#I remember a quote of her saying 'if I'd known then what I know now....' and I wonder what she meant

[asurrogateblog]

so at what point do you think linda was like "...OH."

[trapastrology]

Venus-North Node Synastry

~Using Jamie and Landon from "A Walk To Remember"~

Song that corresponds- Teach Me by Musiq Soulchild

Venus-North Node synastry is without a doubt one of my most favorite synastry placements. Especially when it’s sextile! Jamie and Landon show how this synastry plays out very well. Jamie is Venus while Landon is North Node. As we can see they come from two different worlds, have 2 different mindsets, morals etc. Jamie is still in his South node when he meets Jamie so he exhibits those traits. In the beginning of this synastry the venus person is unknowingly helping the north node person get closer to where they need to be simply by saying/doing things that they normally do. At first, the NN person is pulling back a lot. Like him not wanting to be seen with her, calling her interests stupid, and hanging with the popular crowd etc. But that soon changes the more her venus influences his NN. Venus unconsciously inspires the NN person to want to be a better them and often pick up a lot of hobbies/interests that Venus is interested in. Venus exposes them to new things that they never knew of that’s a part of Venus's daily life. North Node becomes more artistic and peaceful, less stubborn, improving oneself and realizing that they have someone they can be vulnerable with. Venus has the natural ability to put NN at ease, they’re like the breath of fresh air that nn so desperately needed. They’re like the missing component to life that nn didn’t even know they were missing. As a result of Venus’s presence, NN person now has more self-confidence and believes in themselves and what they can do. A creative bug they’ve never had suddenly won’t stop biting them. Usually picking up the exact same or similar hobby that venus has and loves. Their life that once had no direction becomes very clear now and Venus is usually in the center of it. There’s mutual support, great communication, shared values (that were once very different), personal growth and great conflict resolution. Here the North Node person and The Venus person evolve together! The Node Node is usually more drastic and apparent to others. However, Venus’s perspective on love and relationships changes a lot here and they feel very fulfilled by the person the NN has changed into. This is a love that stands the test of time more often than not. I’d say their Venus & NN was in earth signs being that they both brought each other a sense of comfy stability and helped each other complete their life's goals. 

Quotes from the Movie that are true to this synastry… 

~~~~~~~

“Landon, look, I thought i saw something in you, something good, but i was very wrong” -Jamie This is usually how the Venus person feels when the NN person isn’t accepting but instead afraid of the change they feel venus invoking. Causing them to act out in many ways then hurting the venus person. 

“You don’t know what you want” -Jamie In the beginning the NN person actually is clueless as to what they want in life and the direction they're going to take. 

“She makes me want to be different, better” -Landon Venus, without trying, inspires the NN person in many ways to want to be better and improve themselves. They may also look up to the Venus person in some way or want to know that they are proud of them and who they’ve become. 

“Maybe you inspire me” -Landon 

“She’s the best person I’ve ever known” - Landon More often than not and depending on other aspects, the north node person feels this way. 

“Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything. About life, hope and the long journey ahead.”- Landon

“I hadn't done any of the things that I normally did with girls, yet somehow I'd fallen in love.”-Landon This is very common in this synastry. Even down to venus not being NN’s type. Yet somehow the north node feels things for this person they’ve never felt with anyone before. 

“Listen, I’m sorry I haven’t treated Jamie the way I should’ve. She deserves more than that. I’m just asking you for the same thing that you teach us every day in church. And that’s faith.” -Landon The response I wrote for the first quote applies here. As well as NN realizing their mistakes and wrong doings from embodying their SN and doing the best they can to do right by the Venus person. 

Thank you for reading, if you’d like to book a reading, join my Patreon or know more about my e-book, “Written in the Cosmos” check my pinned post!

[doylldonmagar]

So I saw @hermesmyplatonicbeloved 's post and had some thoughts. I agree and disagree. I am a percabeth fan but I also know that some of it is screwy, and if you are familiar with my blog, you know this. I think RR screwed up and wrote out a LOT of trauma, I think he really should have dealt with that better. I think it's not good that he wrote trauma and mental issues and abuse into the foundation of many characters and then has ignored it when it became convenient for the plot.

I would love to see specific quotes and books for these because some of them I have no memory of and would like to revisit them.

I'm gonna talk my way through all of this so I'm gonna text break here

The first point is Percy scaring her to tears. I can only imagine in Tartarus? Like when they're both in their worst state? I don't know. I agree they should have talked about it, but I think they should have talked about all of HoH, which brings me back to saying: Rick really failed at dealing with trauma and processing and long term effects. Honestly, being scared *of* him, yeah I agree that's bad, but is that the situation? If she's scared by his power, then I'm not sure of where I stand on this, I don't know anyone with demigod powers, but I don't think I'd be scared simply because I know someone is capable of hurting me. Plenty of people are capable of hurting me. Like I don't know, what situation is this?

"Percy has been suicidal the whole time annabeth has known him, in BoO Percy attempts suicide and annabeth said nothing, noticed nothing" I'd really like a page or quote because i remember him being suicidal but never attempting. (Im rereading what i wrote, is this maybe referring to percy deciding it would be better if he drowned when hes with Jason? If so, I thought the book said annabeth wasn't told that he wanted to give up) But really my bigger issue with this statement is the fact that it's not necessarily a bad relationship just because a person doesn't realize someone is suicidal, or if their suicidal thoughts are fluctuating. If he's been suicidal the entire time she's known him, how should she know? And why is it the girlfriend's job to stop him from suicide? Like yeah she should care, but that's not her responsibility. No one should feel responsible for a significant other's suicide unless they encouraged the SO to do it.

The judo flip, I agree, annabeth should have been more sensitive to Percy's past and again, I blame Rick for conveniently forgetting that an abused kid is not going to laugh or even take well to being thrown on the ground. This also reminds me of a post I made a while back, because I was so frustrated by media portrayals of women getting upset (usually worried) about another character and shaking them or hitting them or using some form of violence, and that's portrayed as acceptable and normal and as a sign of love. I'm not a fan of that.

"Annabeth likes to keep percy on his toes" this point, I want specific quotes, cause I'd like to go over it again. I agree this is funky. Percy says he feels more comfortable with annabeth and feels like he can talk to her blah blah, but yeah, I think I remember him saying she makes him anxious and that's a problem for me. Like genuinely, to anyone who reads this: if your SO makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, or unsafe, please reevaluate your relationship and be safe. That's not good. And back to percabeth, I'm really not sure why RR would say that.

Bringing up abusive stepfather. If annabeth didn't already know about Gabe...I don't know, that says to me that percy was too traumatized to talk about it, in which case, why can annabeth see it in his actions, his comments, his reactions? I don't know that either. But I do know that having met my fair share of traumatized kids, it's not at all uncommon for them to share trauma as a joke and for multiple kids to laugh it off, not to mention suicidal jokes or jokes about their own abuse. Now I want to be clear, I'm not saying that's healthy, I think that's bad, but I also think it's common. And if annabeth doesn't realize what he's really talking about, or is caught up in her own experience, or is uncomfortable, laughing is not an uncommon response. And I don't think that makes their relationship toxic. (And I'm saying it again: I think Rick wrote that so that people could say oh poor percy and feel strongly about how horrible the situation is, but he didn't want to get into the trauma, so by annabeth laughing it off, he can move on with the scene but include little details that show how bad tartarus is)

I don't remember any comments about poseiden, but I agree her interactions with Tyson are problematic. I have zero explanation or excuse, I really don't know what rick was thinking with that, unless it was maybe a way to signify how all halfbloods feel about monsters? (Now that I've said that, that kinda makes sense, if percy sees a monster who was his human friend, but everyone else just sees a monster who is just like the other monsters who have killed their siblings. But still. Annabeth saying he was gross was uncalled for, Rick could have said she was scared or concerned this was a trick or something, but disgust?)

I agree about Percy's unresolved trauma manifesting as fear of annabeth. I already commented on the judo flip, see comments above.

Percy absolutely has horrible self asteem. I'm not sure that's annabeths problem. Yeah she should support him in every way she can, but it's not her responsibility or anyone else's to make him feel better about himself. She should want to, and she should be positive and encouraging, but I don't think Percy's lack of growth is her problem or necessarily a sign of a toxic relationship. It can be, but I'm not certain it is in this case. I think, as I'm sure you know if you've read this much, Rick doesn't know how to write characters who are further along in their trauma- processing, healing, discussing- rick fails to deal with anything besides a currently traumatized kid and a unresolved but out of the directly abusive situation. (This is where I'd like to note, the whole seaweed brain thing, not funny to me, not cute. I'm not a fan because I do think that encourages negative self image. I am aware that that could be link to annabeths childhood, but again, I would expect her to be hyperaware of this sort of emotional abuse. And I blame Rick. Why does she never have her actual abuse mentioned?)

I don't recall annabeth pushing percy to choose between them. I would have said she had doubts about him still wanting to go to CA and he said that he regretted not being there for Estelle but didn't want to be without annabeth (which is kinda cute, kinda codependent to me, and I agree, codependency is not cute)

I would argue the last point "Percy has no interest in going to New Rome or University" is clearly false. In SoN (2nd book of HOO) Percy discovers there are full families living in New Rome, and how it's safe there, and he says multiple times that he wants that, how he remembers he had a girlfriend named annabeth and he wants her to be there and wants to be able to settle down *there*. And in ChaliceotG he's torn, because he does want to stay in New York for his mom and sister, but he really wants to be with annabeth and he loves new Rome. He says multiple times how he wants to go to New Rome. Its true, if the only reason he wants to go is for annabeth, that's a bit funky. But new Rome is the safest place for demigods, and he's been in wars for years, of course he wants that. And wanting to be out of school- okay? New Rome isn't just about the university, not to mention the New Rome university is focused on kids with dyslexia and adhd, obviously. So it will be tailored to him, his struggles are understood, accepted, and aided. Who wouldn't see the appeal in that?

And finally, I agree, that if a character or couple is going to have broad reach, they should be healthy. That's a problem i have with Colleen hoover and all her toxic relationships that have a large audience and are so loved by that audience. And back to this, I hate that the pjo hoo couples are so focused on in the books because fans always pay attention to the couples, but the focus amplifies them, and I think having a relationship be the main focus of a kids/teen/ya book sets up horrible mindsets, and idolizes relationships and all in all is not good for kids. Percabeth or not, healthy or not, I don't think the emphasis on relationships is good.

I might link some of my other posts that I mentioned or that address similar issues in the reblogs

[missingpolinseason]

Penelope Featherington deserves to be public adored and worshiped. She spent a lifetime being invisible and voiceless - wich is the reason for Whistledon and the face place.

She wrote it for herself, because she had no one to talk about, no one that would hear it - we have to remember that Eloise debuted a year after her, for context. Being a wallflower is also the reason Pen can be Whistledown. She is underrated and not seen.

There's this beautful moment in the books where Colin makes a speach to the whole ton informing how witt she is. In fact, he says:

"I wasn't surprised that I had fallen in love with her, but rather that it had taken so long. I've known her for so many years, you see, and somehow I'd never taken the time to look inside, to see the beautful, briliant, witty woman she'd become. Therefore, with all of you here as my witnesses, I would like to say - Penelope - I love you. I adore you. I worship the ground you walk upon".

And procides to make everybody in the ton do a toast for his wife.

Penelope get's really surprised. She's not expecting it. She actually could feel the tears trickling down her face, but she couldn't move. She could barelly breath. She had expected him to reveal her secret, and instead he was giving her this incredible gift, this spectacular declaration of love.

Then Colin indeed reveal the secret:

"I have one last thing to say. One last little thing, in case you still don't believe me when I tell you that my wife is the wittiest, cleverest, most enchanting woman in all London. You might say my wife has two maiden names. Of course you all know her as Penelope Featherington, as I did. But what you didn't know, and what even I was not clever enough to figure out until she told me herself is that she is also the brilliant, the witt, the breattakingly magnificent - Oh, you all know who I am talking about. I give you my wife! Lady Whistledown!"

People seem to forget, but Penelope IS a powerful woman in both the show and the books. Having Colin be the one to tell she's Whistledown doesn't erase it. And It is so so important for her as a character. For this romantic woman who's been in love with this man for about half of her life, who wasn't take seriously, who wasn't seen, to have him public declaring his love... Is a moment when Colin decides to choose her, all of her, no matter the consequences.

The Whistledown reveal is one of the most iconic scenes in the book serie. It is romantic. It closes Colin character arc as he is jealous and worried and separates Pen from Whistledown is him mind as if they were 2 different women. But in this moment he embrances Whistledown while also loving and acepting ALL of Penelope shameless. While also brings this Pen to center stage and makes her seen.

The show version of this scene, from my point of view, not only removes Colin from the Whistledown plot somehow as it denies Penelope of being revered in front of a society that underrated, underapreciated, didn't see nor heard her. It denies Penelope to watch Cressida scream in the audience while being public unmasked from pretending to be Whistledown while they also don't acept her blackmail. Instead of it, Cressida, her bully, recives yet another opportunity to speak and justify herself. At the end, the scene is not remembered by the reveal nor the love declaration, but by the quote "now, Varley, the bugs!"

I'm sorry. But I don't see this scene change/adaptation as an empowerment for Pen. I see this as a decion made by a writer who doesn't understand Penelope - in the sence of being a wallflower. Someone who's not familiar with the sentiment of beying underrated, unseen or unheard an therefore judge being reverenced and supported in such a puclic way unimportant for Penelope.

I believe it is.

[musedisorder]

Nerdy Prudes Must Die! Part 2.

This is a sentence / prompt meme with quotes from Starkid's nerdy prudes must die for roughly the second half of the show. You can see the first part on my page! Feel free to alter / edit the quotes as needed! Lots of sexual implications / foul language / and mentions of violence in this one

"I had a nightmare! A horrible nightmare."

"He was so angry and he wasn't sexy at all."

"Do you have everything you need for school?"

"You don't say."

"They didn't say."

"Oh heck. I'm so heckin' fudged."

"Is there something we need to be worried about?"

"Holy shit! Are those cop cars?"

"Just shut up and keep your beans cool!"

"Don't look at me!"

"How do you know it was murder?"

"You wanna think a little harder?"

"Oh man! Oh no!"

"Well, we're fucked!"

"People tell me to die every day!"

"I think somebody knows what we did and now they're after us!"

"I don't know about you guys but I smell a heckin rat."

"Relax, ye of little faith."

"I'm gonna get those pigs off our backs!"

"Our town is no longer safe!"

"What about you, eh?"

"I've never known darker times."

"Watch the blame go around!"

"It ain't great."

"Suddenly this quiet town's exciting."

I certainly don't LOVE killing."

"I remember before the lockdown!"

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I wanna remember who I am."

"God! I gotta do everything around here."

"I could act. If it wasn't for my anxiety."

"In my dreams, I'm the star of the show."

"How can something be MEDIUM and WELL?"

"Life is fine. If only it were mine."

"But just for once I'd be the center of attention."

"But just for once my life could be just what I wanted."

"I used to dance."

"Booo!"

"Who's watching me?"

"You fucking suck!"

"I can't see! Somebody help!"

"What a stirring performance!"

"Take a bow, bitch."

"Who stands to gain for these murders?"

"I've been looking for this thing everywhere!"

"You're not half as smart as you think you are!"

"Uh, I don't think I should answer any questions until I have a lawyer present."

"No, no no! You can't do this to me! This isn't my fault! This isn't my plan!"

"It was God's plan! And now he's leaving me out to dry!"

" Do something you son of a bitch!"

"Look at all those cop cars. I bet they're after a PERP."

"I'm in the neighborhood watch now."

"Very smooth."

"I have been waiting for what feels like five FUCKING years and I still have not received my goddamn hot chocolate!"

"Jesus! Keep it together!"

"Oh, this is EASY for you."

"Oh, so you're saying this is MY fault?"

"We both know you can't ignore me because you're crazy about me."

"It's obvious! You can't stay away from me!"

"Have some respect for yourself!"

"Well who says I want to go on a date with you anyways?"

"I never wanted you anyway!"

"I always knew my place and my lane!"

"Who's the victim when you shoot me looks?"

"If I loved you, you would know it."

"If I loved you, I would show it."

"If you were the one I'm thinking of, oh babe, I'd let you know."

"I think you'd better go."

"You first!"

"Leave room for Jesus!"

"How'd it go with the cops? Did they buy it?"

"Gimme a cup of hot water and make it STRONG!"

"You're kinda freakin me out here."

"Does your phone plan cover calls to hell?"

"No! No more of your plans!"

"Oh my god! Is that a gun!"

"This is crazy! I'm not helping you flee the country!"

"You have no idea what the hell you're doing."

"You ruined our lives!"

"I just haven't been thinking clearly lately!"

"I've done so many terrible things! Like touching myself and lying to the police!"

"I called God a son of a B-word!"

"WHO AM I?!"

"Don't comfort her. She's fuckin' weird."

"Unfortunately, we're in this mess together."

"I don't give a shit who you kill."

"Get in the car."

"Ghost. Demon. Call it what you want."

"I've got one hell of a party planned for ya."

"Ready for your recall?"

"I beg to differ, bitch."

"You are the LEAST FUCKING persuasive person!"

"Are you out of your goddamn mind?"

"What the fuck!?"

"There's something deeply wrong with this whole town!"

"I have no idea what's I'm doing."

"Did it work?"

"The book has all but closed on your life."

"Someone's been a little naughty!"

"We heard you could help us."

"Hm, what could you give to me?"

"Do it, or die!"

"We don't give a shit about your phone!"

"You can lie to yourself, but not to me."

"I can't!"

"Pay the price or fuck off!"

"Who do they want you to kill?"

"It doesn't matter where we go!"

"There's only one way to end this."

"All my life I just wanted a girl to like me."

"I didn't want to like you. You made me."

"No matter what, one of us has to die."

"Let me do it."

"You can call this luck. That's my perspective."

"One of us is in love. It doesn't take a detective."

"I can't... I can't shoot you!"

"Let me be cool this time!"

"Is it really a crime if you get to live your life to the fullest?"

"What do you think you're doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?"

"What if you are wrong?"

"What if I should go?"

"You get to live on."

"You're not as cool as you think you are."

"But you're as smart as I know you are."

"You have to do it."

"If I loved you... I couldn't show it."

"If I loved you like you should be loved... Loved you more than the stars above..."

"Love you like I.... could've...."

"I'd have to let you go."

"If things were different, would you want to go to homecoming with me?"

"I'm ready."

"I never wanted you anyway..."

"Careful with that thing! You might hurt someone, and that's my fuckin' job!"

"I used to worry my life would be over after high school!"

"You betrayed me! You fuckin' Judas!"

"So you do know the bible!"

"I always thought there was something about your wrath that was so... Old testament."

"Shut your fuckin' fart-hole!"

"I wanna hear this!"

"I'm a dirty girl."

"Fuck yeah!"

"That's nasty! I like it!"

"What the FUCK is happening right now?!"

"Are you really gonna pass this up?"

"I'll be right back!"

"What're we watching!?"

"Wow! I needed that!"

"Don't you wanna cuddle a little bit?"

"It means you're going to hell now!"

"I paid the price. Now fuck off!"

"No! Let go of me!"

"You're in my world now, bitch."

"Whatever!"

"It was fucking worth it!"

"What the fuck you just say to me?"

"I am gonna get some fucking coffee."

"You're such a nerd."

"I never wanted to love you like I do."

"I'm the best of you and you're the best of me."

"I think the reason I always used to put you down is because I always thought you were pretty."

"That was.... Absolutely disgusting!"

"You think the time that I was chaste is was being waste on a holy mission?"

"I'm the girl you thought you knew."

"Just keep your hand there on my thigh like all the guys that came before you."

"Are you hard because you're stressed? Or is this a power I now possess!"

"Run you little bitch!"

"Darkness will spare my soul."

[rosanna-writer]

we said hello and your eyes look like coming home (18/?)

Summary: A canon-divergent AU where the bond snaps for Rhys on Calanmai, Feyre unwittingly accepts it, and Fire Night magic proves to be more transformative than anyone bargained for. Feyre drags a mate she hardly knows out from Under the Mountain, then puts him back together as war with Hybern approaches. Warnings: dubious consent, canon-typical sexual violence, canon-typical violence Rating: Explicit Chapter Word Count: ~5k

Content warning for the aftermath of a massacre and preparation of bodies for burial in this chapter. Some dialogue is pulled directly from A Court of Mist and Fury, and the poem quoted in this chapter is Tithonus by Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

On a lighter note, shout-out to @thesistersarcheron for beast Rhys tongue inspo and to @popjunkie42 for all her Feysand poetry thoughts <3

Read on AO3 or you can find the eighteenth chapter below the readmore.

ch. 1 - 10 | ch. 11 - she underestimated just who she was stealing from | ch. 12 - no amount of freedom gets you clean | ch. 13 - stay stay stay | ch. 14 - call it what you want to | ch. 15 - even when you're sleeping, keep your eyes open | ch. 16 - you drew stars around my scars | ch. 17 - do you remember all the city lights on the water? | ch. 18 - and it smells like me

Rhys halted, taking in Mor's news. "Who," he said, and I hadn't known such utter rage could be conveyed in a single word.

I set the paintbrush down and stepped closer, feeling sick. If the priestesses were anything like the ones I'd come to know at the library…

At that thought, both our anger surged down the mating bond, and it felt as if my chest had been set ablaze. There had already been too much senseless violence Under the Mountain.

"We don't know," Mor said. "Azriel is investigating now."

Rhys began to pace. He'd hidden his wings to avoid them dragging on the floor when he'd sat with me, but shadows rolled off his shoulders as they appeared again, almost involuntarily.

But his voice was still soft as he said, "Does he have any initial theories?"

"You know Azriel—he won't say until he has enough information in hand to be sure. Cassian is pissed, though. He’s convinced it must be one of the rogue Illyrian war-bands, intent on winning new territory."

The rest of the Inner Circle must have heard this news first, then. I watched Rhys carefully for a reaction, unsure if that was how things were typically done. He didn't seem any more agitated than before, and I took that as a positive sign.

"I'm worried he may be correct."

"What are your orders?"

"For tonight, there's nothing to be done in Illyria that we aren't already doing. I'll discuss everything with Cassian in the morning. Mor, you and Amren will assist Azriel with whatever information-gathering he needs done. Be ready to field questions from other courts as news spreads. I'll inform Clotho myself and handle incoming correspondence."

Mor's eyes slid to me, and I nearly jumped—she'd been so focused on Rhys that I'd assumed she'd forgotten I was there. "Cesere is within the Night Court's borders. It falls to us to handle this alongside the priestesses," she said, obviously for my benefit.

"How can I help?" I said, fully expecting to be told to stay out of the way.

"The priestesses at the library will need assistance. Our kind bury our dead as swiftly as possible and keep watch until funeral rites are complete. It will mean something to have you there, Feyre, even if you're only comfortable sitting through the service as a representative of my Inner Circle," Rhys said.

There had been no similar sense of urgency among the mortals. When my mother died, there had been a wake, and for several days before her burial, our house had been full of friends and family paying their last respects. I wasn't surprised to hear things the fae did things differently.

For a moment, my mind flashed back to the sight of Tamlin carrying the bloodied corpse of a Summer Court faerie out of the manor. Tonight would be more of the same. And Rhys was giving me an out to avoid the grisly work if I couldn't stomach it.

I didn't hesitate. "I'll do whatever's necessary," I said. If the priestesses needed me to spend the night digging graves, I would.

With one last promise to keep Rhys informed, Mor winnowed away, and there was nothing left to do but head to the library. Before long, Rhys had left to make arrangements for increased security at the other temples, and I made my way down to the spare rooms near the dormitories to help in whatever way I could.

Merrill, a silver-haired scholar I'd once overheard terrorizing a research assistant, was organizing the efforts and barked out orders at me. I rolled up the sleeves of my tunic and got to work.

The carnage turned out to be exactly as horrific as we'd feared. And in Prythian, a land of immortals, there were no morgues or funeral homes. The gore, the obvious evidence of violence…for many of the priestesses, it brought back too many dark memories for them to even approach the bodies.

I choked back bile as I wiped tear tracks from cold cheeks and scrubbed dried blood from every body part imaginable. Gently, I slid soiled nightgowns and torn robes from stiff limbs and replaced them with shrouds. It was difficult, with the extent of some of the injuries, to create any sort of illusion of peaceful repose; whoever had done this hadn't made these deaths quick or painless.

As we worked, the sisters took turns singing prayers. I didn't recognize the language, but I sensed that it was ancient, the tune slow and mournful and in a key I'd never heard before. Down here, surrounded by the red rock of the mountain and no windows, the repetition was the only thing marking the passage of time.

Eventually, all the bodies were laid out in neat rows—too many rows, the scale of the devastation laid painfully bare. Each was clean and covered in a white linen shroud, ready for burial. For a moment, I just sat with the heavy awareness that each one of the bundles was a life—a world, really—that had been snuffed out. So much loss, just to loot a trove.

Rhys hadn't exaggerated when he'd said the fae moved quickly—as soon as the work was finished, I followed the rest of the priestesses towards the sanctuary for the service. I hadn't expected it to be so soon; one of the sisters caught my look of surprise and gently explained that according to faerie traditions, the soul was in a state of confusion between death and burial, and it was cruel to let it linger like that any longer than absolutely necessary.

The sanctuary was a massive cavern, full of dark wood pews surrounding a plain dais at the center. Though about half of the mourners finding their seats were priestesses, all in their identical pale blue robes, faeries from Velaris were there as well. The news had spread, then.

There were more prayers and singing in that strange, ancient language. No instruments, only voices that echoed in the cavern, beautiful yet melancholy. A candle was lit for each slain priestess as their names we read out one by one.

Unable to follow it, I stood and sat in time with everyone else and allowed my mind to wander. The bond had been quiet—presumably, Rhys was busy but otherwise fine—so I took in the assortment of faeries who'd come to pay their respects.

Perhaps it shouldn't have been such a surprise, but I recognized a few of them. Evelyn, the priestess who'd been teaching me to read, had nodded hello, and I spotted faeries I'd seen a few times in the library or out in the city. I doubted every single one of them knew any of the victims; this was just the community coming together.

That thought made Velaris feel a bit more like…home.

And though Rhys hadn't said it outright—and seemed so intent on not pressuring me that I doubted he ever would—I wondered if attending a vigil like this was something expected of the Lady of the Night Court. Since we'd decided to keep it a secret, we hadn't spoken about my title at all. Or any obligations that came with it. My lack of understanding of the situation when I accepted the bond didn't make me any less of a High Lord's mate, though.

My family's money had run out when I'd turned eleven—my sisters had been the ones raised to be ladies. They'd been the ones expected to someday be the wife of a rich, powerful man, to run households and host balls and busy themselves with charity work that made their husbands look good. I was just the hopeless, half-wild heathen.

Rhys loved me, had confidence in me like no one else, and I doubted I could ever be a failure in his eyes. That wasn't true for the rest of Prythian. I didn't take representing him lightly, especially not for something like this.

Before my thoughts could spiral any further, the funeral ended. The bodies had been winnowed to the graveyard, and there was nothing left to do. It was the middle of the night when I headed towards the townhouse.

I reached down the bond for Rhys as I walked, careful not to startle him. The thread between us went taut anyway, and I could sense that he was instantly on alert.

I didn't even give him a chance to ask if something was wrong I'm fine, home soon. Do you need anything else from me?

Go rest while you can. I've sent Azriel, Mor, and Amren to do the same.

But you aren't? I wouldn't let him talk around it.

I am High Lord, and some things can't be delegated.

For once, he didn't sound arrogant, just matter-of-fact. There was no point in attempting to mother-hen him out of finishing whatever he was obligated to complete tonight, so I didn't bother. I sent a pulse of affection down the bond, assuming that was the end of the conversation.

But he added, None of us liked the thought of you in the townhouse alone. Mor is there.

I was so unused to being looked after that I almost asked why anyone would be concerned. But Mor had mentioned them all being duty-bound and overprotective on my first day here, so perhaps it shouldn't have been a surprise.

And at least it wasn't Amren babysitting me.

Something pleasantly warm crossed the bond, along with the strange sensation of a soft kiss pressed to the back of my mind. Then Rhys's shields went back up, and the rest of my walk home was uneventful.

Mor was in the living room when I arrived. At first, I'd thought she must have just been waiting to make sure I'd gotten home safely, but before she'd turned around at the sound of my footsteps, I'd noticed the empty wineglass and the way she'd absentmindedly pressed a hand to her lower abdomen. And then I understood—I wasn't the only one who was better off with company tonight.

I'd never asked about the scar I'd seen peeking out from the waistband of Mor's pants on days she wore something that bared her midriff. She would have covered it if she'd been ashamed, but…it seemed private. Some of the priestesses laid to rest that night had been ripped open in the same place, and I could guess what weighed on Mor.

But still, she brightened immediately at the sight of me, the light coming back into her red-rimmed eyes. I sank into the chair next to her.

"It was good to finally see you painting earlier," she said, voice warm.

I shrugged. "It was just a decoration, not something on canvas or paper. It doesn't really count." Flowers on a table were a start, but it wasn't quite the same as capturing an image that had plagued my mind or using paint to express a feeling that words couldn't.

She nudged me with an elbow. "It was also the happiest I've ever seen you. That counts for something too, you know."

For a while, Mor and I talked about nothing consequential. We both needed it. After everything we'd witnessed, it helped to pretend for a while that nothing was wrong. It made the violence feel more distant, enough that I was able to fall asleep when we both went upstairs, even without Rhys back.

My sleep was fitful, but each time I woke, a caress of talons against my mind—and once, loud purring and a wet scrape against my shields that would have made me think I was being groomed by a cat if it weren't for the forked tongue and rustle of feathers—relaxed me enough to drift off again.

It was nearly midmorning when I got out of bed, the latest I ever managed to sleep. I sensed that Rhys was nearby, and I followed the bond down to the kitchen, where I found him sitting at the table, head in his hands and wings drooping. He didn't look up at me.

"How bad is it?" I said, lingering in the doorway. It was late enough that he must have already spoken with Cassian.

He rubbed at his temples. "No definitive answers. I'd hoped there would be proof that this was nothing more than rogue war-bands that can be put down. Whoever it was knew what they were doing and covered their tracks. It could still very well just be Illyrians…or an act of war."

My blood ran cold. I knew it was foolish to think that killing Amarantha had ended the danger—she had been connected to Hybern, and Rhys and the rest of the Inner Circle had already discussed the possibility of opportunists taking advantage of a weakened Prythian after fifty years of Amarantha's rule. But something about Rhys putting it so plainly suddenly made it hard to breathe.

Before I could say anything, Rhys continued, "This needs to be dealt with swiftly, so I've moved up my visit to the Court of Nightmares. I'll go tonight, take tomorrow to plan. Cassian, Azriel, and I will hunt down the war-bands that are hiding out in the forests."

I knew Rhys—the security of the Night Court was at stake, so he'd find a way to push through it, even though I doubted he was ready to face the very court Amarantha had modeled hers after and his wings were still weakened. He'd tear open as many wounds as he needed to keep his people safe.

But perhaps…I could make sure he didn't have to.

I crossed the room, standing next to the chair and looping an arm around his shoulders to pull him close. He curled a wing around me and hid his face in my shoulder.

"If war comes, we'll face it. Together," I whispered against his hair as plans formed in my mind.

He said nothing, too overwhelmed to do anything but tug on the bond. I held him like that for a while, and with my shields firmly in place, I considered how exactly I'd lighten those burdens for him. Neither one of us was alone anymore.

"Have you slept at all?" I said eventually.

He sat back, tipping his head up to look at me. "No. It's—"

"Then go rest, Rhys."

"Is that an order?" Something sparked in his eyes, and I could have sworn amusement had crept into his voice.

"The point of this visit is to show your face in the Hewn City again. You need all the beauty sleep you can get."

His lips twitched—not quite a smile, but close to it. My hand had been resting on his shoulder, and as he stood, I let it trail down his arm. He interlaced our fingers, and for a moment, just from the way his eyes went soft as he looked at me, I was sure he was about to ask me to come to bed with him, risk of slashing talons during a nightmare be damned.

I would have said yes. And even if he never asked, I still had half a mind to follow him upstairs anyway, just to give into the feral, protective instinct to keep watch while my mate slept.

But Rhys didn't ask. Instead he pressed a kiss to my knuckles and said, "Make sure you eat something."

I knew what that meant. "I love you, too."

He squeezed my hand once, then winnowed upstairs. For the next few hours, I could feel through the bond that he'd at least managed to catnap before he had to leave. I had things to do as well, but I wouldn't let Rhys sleep in an empty house, either. And I did need to eat. So I paced the townhouse restlessly with food in hand.

Then once Rhys left, my first order of business was making my way to the House of Wind.

I could have asked him to bring me there—and probably saved myself the trouble of climbing ten thousand steps again—but for now, I didn't want to tell him exactly why I wanted to go. As I climbed and climbed, I hoped my assumptions about who might be in the training ring were correct.

And they were. "Is everything alright, Feyre?" Azriel said, without turning from the target he was sinking a dagger into.

"I'm fine," I said, and at the very least it was true that I wasn't in danger. "I wanted to speak to you."

"Now?"

"Yes. While Rhys is busy." That finally got Azriel to drag his attention away from target practice. The way his gaze swept over me was an obvious assessment, as if he was cataloging all the information he found at the sight of me. I didn't mind. When Azriel didn't say anything, I added, "I think I should come with when you go to Illyria."

I'd half-expected him to immediately tell me no, that it was too dangerous. But Azriel tipped his head to the side and asked, "What makes you say that?"

I sat down at the edge of the ring, more grateful than ever that Rhys surrounded himself with the type of people who'd hear me out. Azriel sheathed the dagger and sat down beside me.

"I know I can't take on an Illyrian, and I'm not stupid enough to try," I said, choosing my words carefully, "but I'm concerned it will be difficult for him if we're separated again so soon after….everything. You and Cassian will need him to focus, and he can't afford to make a mistake and appear weak."

Azriel was silent again, clearly mulling it over, but I couldn't read much of a reaction from him beyond that. It was unsettling to consider much that impassive face could be hiding. If I didn't trust already him, I would have nervously blurted out all of my thoughts right then and there.

"It's an angle to consider. Is there…something you had in mind to do while you're there?"

It was a valid question, though I hadn't expected Azriel to ask how I intended to ensure I wasn't a deadweight so tactfully. And at least I had an answer prepared.

"Let me hunt so the three of you can focus on the task at hand instead of trying to feed yourselves or carry rations. You'll get done faster."

Azriel raised an eyebrow. I was ready to remind him that I was still a competent enough tracker to avoid anyone in the woods I might not want to run into. My muscles tensed almost involuntarily, my body preparing for a fight.

But instead he said, more gently than I'd ever heard him, "Tell me why you really want to go."

I stared out at the mountains in the distance and thought about what to say. Even though I knew there was nothing to be ashamed of, it was still difficult to find the words. Azriel just waited, patient as ever.

"I need to be outside for a few days straight. After— After being stuck in that cell, I just want to be able to pick a direction and run, somewhere there's so much space that I'll tire myself out before I find a single building."

I almost told him that I didn't want to sit behind in Velaris and wait for Rhys to come back, but that seemed cruel, all things considered. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Az rub his thumb along the spot on his hand where the scarring was the most obvious.

"I know the feeling," he said quietly. I started to respond, but he added, "You can't scream in Velaris, at least not without scaring the neighbors. But if you ever need to…let it out, I'll show you the empty places in the Illyrian Steppes."

Azriel knew. Just like with Mor's scars, I'd never asked about his, but whatever had happened, he'd been confined in the dark once. I hadn't realized it—I'd come to him first because he'd supported me trapping the Suriel on my first day in the Night Court.

"Thank you."

"You haven't brought this up to your mate, have you?"

There was no accusation there. Azriel's voice was even, and I had the sense he was just…gathering more information.

"Not yet. I wanted to see what you and Cassian thought first."

A single nod. "Prudent."

"Do you think it's a good idea, then? For me to go?" I said, once the silence stretched on long enough that it was clear he wasn't going to elaborate.

"It's worth discussing. Even after the frenzy, mated males are…volatile."

Azriel shifted awkwardly, tucking his wings in tight. And I understood—I didn't particularly want to discuss the mating frenzy, either. Especially not with someone who was more or less family. But after the way Rhys had growled at Cassian over me, we were right to consider what those instincts might mean, whether being apart or potential danger in the woods was a bigger risk.

I thanked him again and got up to leave, but the sound of Azriel's voice, midnight-dark and more stern than I'd ever heard it, stopped me in my tracks. "Where do you think you're going?" I turned, and Azriel had already gotten up from where he was sitting and unsheathing another blade. "You climbed ten thousand steps to get up here, so make it worth your while and work on your knife skills."

Azriel had earned that reputation as a hard bastard. Even today, I wasn't going to get out of training.

And if war was coming, I'd need all the training I could get. I took the knife and got to work, if only for a short lesson.

When we finished, Azriel flew me to the townhouse, and Rhys wasn't back yet. That was fine—there was still more I needed to do. The chances of a nightmare were too high that he'd share a bed with me that night. But he needed sleep, and he'd said that I smelled like safety.

I was used to hiding my scent, not spreading it. With the glamour on me, I wasn't even sure my idea would work, but it seemed worth a try, even if it did make me feel faintly ridiculous.

I dug my clothes out of the laundry and tucked them in the corners of Rhys's room. When I'd hunted, I'd kept a specific set of clothes for the woods and washed them as infrequently as possible, minimizing the scent of laundry soap. If it worked in the forest…maybe it might work here.

Then I hesitated, just for a moment, to touch the bed. Before, I'd only ever ventured into his bedroom when Rhys had a nightmare, and I couldn't quite shake the feeling that this was somehow a violation, ridiculous as that was when there was an unbreakable thread connecting our souls and my bite marks made him preen.

I pushed those thoughts aside and crawled under the covers. Trying my best to be thorough, I rolled around and rubbed my hair against both sides of the pillow. I repeated the process under both the sheet and the duvet for good measure, then made the bed and spent some time on top of it.

I hoped it was enough. I doubted we'd take a sleeping draught tonight; being difficult to rouse if there was another emergency was too much of a risk.

By the time I finished, it was getting late, and I wasn't sure now was the time for Rhys to come home and find me waiting in his bed, even if it was…tempting. I filed that thought away for another time.

I was still restless—too long without anything to do, and I found myself thinking of the slain priestesses again, the sight of mutilated bodies flashing across my mind again. In search of another distraction, I wandered back to the living room and looked at the bookshelves lining the walls. I'd never paid much attention to them before. But apparently Rhys considered them mine too, and perhaps there was something worth copying for handwriting practice.

I pulled the book with the most cracks in the spine off the shelf, idly wondering if it was his favorite. I'd ask, but…misplaced shame still made it difficult to talk about reading. Still curious, I flipped it open to a random page and struggled through what appeared to be poetry.

The woods decay, the woods decay and fall,

The vapours weep their burthen to the ground…

I scowled and put the book back. Years of hunting had been more than enough decaying woods for a lifetime, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know what a burthen was.

I tried another book and found more poetry—Cauldron, how much of it did Rhys read? But the words were shorter, which I felt better about, so I found a pen and paper and brought the book to the roof with me. The full moon and the light of the stars and Velaris were enough to read by.

I didn't pay much attention to what the poem was about, just focused on copying the letters as neatly as possible. Something about the work and sitting under the stars was strangely meditative.

But I didn't relax completely until I heard a soft rustle of wings and turned to see Rhys landing a few feet away. Something inside me settled. Perhaps some of my restlessness had just been the mating bond railing at him being away, even for only a few hours.

Rhys nearly always looked elegant, but for the Hewn City, there wasn't a single speck of color on him. There was no sheen to the fine black fabric of his suit, no embroidery like he often favored, just cloth so dark it seemed to gobble the light, buttoned up to hide his tattoos. The night itself clung to him more tightly than usual.

His grip on his power was still a bit looser than usual, and though it was faint, I felt familiar darkness reaching for me.

I watched his feet touch the ground, the movement far more graceful than the last time I'd seen it. For a moment, I just savored it—the wingspan, the promise of death in just the way he carried himself, my blood singing in answer to the darkness rippling from him.

I almost didn't notice the ebony crown. He'd never worn one in front of me before.

"Is there magic keeping that on your head," I said, "or did you have to learn to fly without it falling off?"

He snorted. "Hello, Feyre."

A flick of his wrist as he sank into the chair next to mine, and the crown disappeared and the top button of his jacket loosened itself. His gaze landed on the open book and notepad in my lap. Before he could ask about it, I said, "How did it go?"

"I didn't have to make an example of anyone, so as well as could reasonably be expected," he said, rolling his shoulders with a pinched expression on his face.

No violence, then. It felt like the first respite in a while.

We sat on the roof and talked for a while about nothing in particular, a silent understanding passing between us that we both didn't want to feel enclosed or alone. I summoned up the courage to ask about the books downstairs; my visible relief at the lack of dirty limericks Tamlin favored made Rhys snicker and tell me the awful verses were still a mercy compared to fiddle music.

Until he'd spat those last two words like a curse, I hadn't realized I'd put enough distance between myself and the Spring Court to joke about it. Despite everything that had happened in the last day, I felt…lighter.

Exhaustion still settled over both of us as we'd talked, and in just the set of his shoulders and wings, I could see the way being underground had taken something out of him. It was an early night.

As I slid into bed, I was tired enough that I'd nearly forgotten what I'd done in Rhys's room earlier. But his voice floated into my mind, as if a night-kissed wind carried it through the crack in my shields I'd left for him.

Feyre darling…

"Yes?" I said aloud. He'd hear it from across the hall.

Do I want to know what you were doing that involved rolling around in my sheets and leaving your socks for me to find?

My cheeks heated, and even though couldn't see it, I rolled over and hid my face in the pillow anyway. "Tonight might be another bad night. I thought my scent might help. Because I can't…"

For the length of a heartbeat, the bond lit up with gratitude. Then there was a dip in the bed next to me, and Rhys's arms were banding around my chest and pulling me to him. He'd winnowed right to me.

"You are impossible to stay away from when you're being brilliant," he murmured against my hair.

I nearly asked him to stay. But I knew it was hard enough for him to let me in enough to see the aftermath of a nightmare, and that was when there was no risk to me. He didn't say it, but…I suspected he was only holding me until I fell asleep.

I twisted in his arms so we were face-to-face, then kissed him gently. "It won't always be like this. The bad nights will be behind us eventually."

He sighed and let his head tip forward until our foreheads were touching. I closed my eyes and let my breathing slow, warm and comfortable. We stayed like that for a long time, until he finally winnowed back to his room.

I scooted over to the warm spot he'd left, already aching for him. It would still be a while before my thoughts stopped racing enough for me to finally drift off, but Rhys didn't need to know that. I'd pretend anything at all to give him peace of mind.

Sleep finally claimed me as his side of the bed went cold again.

[sagan-starstuff]

Secret Santa Gift Exchange Questionnaire

Starting broad, tell your Santa about your relationship to The X-Files. This could be how you got into The X-Files in the first place, what the show means to you, or just general information you think might be relevant for your Santa to know.

My mother was an X-Phile long before I was, she watched from the Pilot on. She was in chat rooms, on alt.tv.xfiles, in fic groups. I was afraid of the theme song at first, so much so that I made her mute it if I was still awake. I started watching in 1997, when I was 11 years old. I don't really remember my first episode - some time during the cancer arc. By the time the summer of 1997 was over, thanks to my mom's recorded episodes on VHS and re-runs on FX, I was fully caught up and 100% a shipper when Redux I premiered, and I've been obsessed ever since. I lived and breathed X-files, accumulated stacks of spiral notebooks full of bad tween fic and drawings, scrawled quotes and logos on the covers of my school binders. I was in chatrooms and on Haven, reading fic on Gossamer waaaaay too young, but everyone there still made me feel like I belonged. I was a weird, lonely tween/teen who had an incredibly hard time relating to my peers thanks to being skipped ahead a grade, but I could pretend Mulder and Scully were my friends. They were the smartest people in the room, they were outcasts, too. If they could be smart and strong, I could, too. The fandom gave me a community when middle school couldn't. I met my best friend in 1999 when she wore an X-Files shirt the first week of high school. I decided to become a doctor because Scully showed me that I could. I watched the way that Mulder and Scully loved each other with their minds and souls, and decided that I would never accept any less for myself.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I cannot understate the influence that The X-Files has had on my life. It was always a comfort for me, even when I was in college and the chatrooms and boards started to go dark. I lost connection with the fandom by the time IWTB came out, but I never loved the show any less. When my husband and I first started dating, I'd invite him over to watch X-Files with me...and we did, for a while, before we got up to other activities. He says I seduced him with The X-Files. It worked!

I reconnected with the fandom in 2023, and I wish so much that I'd known you all were out there this long. Finding other X-Philes, now in their 30's, 40's and beyond, has been such a treasure. As has been finding out that people in their teens and 20's love the show, too! I love seeing younger fans, people who may not even have been ALIVE for a lot of the original run. This is how we survive, how the show lives on.

I wear Mulder and Scully on my skin now. They'll be with me until I die.

2. Tell your Santa about your favorites! Favorite characters, favorite moments, favorite episodes, favorite seasons, favorite ships, etc.

This is so hard! My favorite will always be Scully but I love Mulder endlessly, even when he's an idiot. My favorite side character is Byers, though it's hard separating him from the rest of the Gunmen. My favorite moments...god, so many. But a moment I come back to again and again is Scully facing down the senate committee in Tunguska to protect Mulder. She displays strength, grace, and integrity that I can only aspire too. Every MSR moment is my favorite. My favorite seasons are 4-6, I cannot choose between them.

3. Tell your Santa about your LEAST favorites! We all love our show, but it also sucks sometimes. Which parts suck the most for you?

I hate season 9 - its like the writers forgot who these characters were. Mulder would never leave his new family after a lifetime of trauma from the loss of his old one. Scully would never give William up. Parts of season 8 are ok, though the way Mulder is written after his return is absolute character assassination, and I HAAAAAATE the secret brain disease. I don't even acknowledge it. I don't like IWTB much. I HAAAAAATE the My Struggles. I have...come to terms with the breakup, though I'll never like it. The Revival gave us a few great episodes and amazing moments. The parts of the show I rewatch most are season 1-7. Oh, and I hate Diana, but don't we all?

4. Tell your Santa your favorite tropes and genres! Only one bed? Friends to lovers? 5+1? Fluff, angst, hurt/comfort? You get the idea.

Ohhh I love first kiss/first time, I love love confessions, I love hurt/comfort. I like angst but only if it has a happy or hopeful ending. I looove Only One Bed, or huddling for warmth. I love fluff. I'm not a big AU fan unless it's a fix-it fic (like Mulder not leaving Scully and William, or Scully not giving Will up). I also love slice of life fic, seeing all their lost moments in rental cars and airports just...existing together.

5. Tell your Santa about tropes you tend to avoid.

Major Character Death, SA/Non-Con. I just want Mulder and Scully to be safe and loved.

6. For your Santa, but also just for fun, describe your ideal X-Files episode. Is it mythology? MotW? A literal porno? 

MOTW with an aspect that emotionally affects Mulder or Scully, with some nice MSR and evolution of feelings. I'm also down with a literal porno.

7. Speaking of pornography, tell your Santa what your spice preference is, using the following scale:

Salt only⁠ ⁠— No spice at all please! I.e. General audience rating.

Black pepper ⁠— A hint of spice. I.e. Teen rating.

Chili pepper ⁠— There’s a bit of a kick! I.e. Mature rating.

Habanero ⁠— Definitely spicy, but most spice lovers can handle it. I.e. Explicit rating.

✨Ghost pepper✨ ⁠— Only for the spiciest of spice lovers. I.e. VERY explicit/kink/POANG rating.

I will read anything Salt-Habanero, for Ghost Pepper it depends on the kink. Not into choking, non-consensual anything, nothing involving urine/feces, not a big anal fan, no physical or mental degradation of any kind. No feet.

8. Those are the most important things, but I want there to be ten questions because it’ll look better, so tell your Santa what ONE song you would pick to describe MSR. (Or if you’re not into MSR, pick a song for your favorite ship, or for TXF as a whole.)

The canonical MSR song is Walking After You by the Foo Fighters. Lovers in a Dangerous Time by the Barenaked ladies is also them in a nutshell.

9. Almost there. Pick your favorite TXF quote. 

"Please explain the scientific nature of The Whammy."

10. Aaaaand, ten. And the last question can be open ended: Is there anything else you think is important for your Santa to know? Put it here!

Thank you for being a part of the best fandom on the planet! Please feel free to reach out to me with questions or even just to chat!

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 09/05/2024

edge of a balcony

Season 8 Featured on: The Joke​-​Explainer 7000​™​'s Highest Quality Rips: Sunrise

Ripped by Emm Bee Sea

Requested by Fezaki! (Request Form)

Tentative rip name: A Balcony atop the Labyrinth of Lights

Remember back on guess what​?​?​?​?​?​?​?​?, when I talked about a "secret" recurring gag on the SiIvaGunner channel that I'd been completely oblivious to for the longest time? We're talking about another one of those today - only now, its one that I actually have noticed and been decently familiar with. On almost every April 4th since 2021, a certain Mori Calliope's birthday has been celebrated with a small bevvy of rips made in her honor. Funny enough, I've known of this joke since it started despite having no real attachment to Calliope or her music - but the rips themselves have been consistently good enough for me to always remember to check in on the channel on April 4th every year. It would seem as if my efforts paid off in spades this year: edge of a balcony, more than celebrating Calliope, doubles as a surprise celebration of SiIvaGunner itself, making it an incredibly rewarding and heartwarming listen to long-time fans like myself.

Which is oddly fitting, when you think about it: I learned in reading up for this post that Mori has been an open fan of the SiIvaGunner channel since a long time ago, and has referenced it openly from time to time. 2022's event for her was notable enough to get a page on the Wiki, and through this she eventually learned of the event's existence in 2023 and was overjoyed seeing all the rips made for it. I've made it clear before that I don't really follow the VTuber scene at all in posts like Shiny Smily TALE, but that mutual love between channels is just so fun to see from a distance - especially given that Morio's original music just so happens to work really well within rips. Given that distance from her channel, end of a life wasn't a tune I'd really heard before tuning in to edge of a balcony in particular, but it struck a chord with me that I genuinely wasn't expecting it to. I hate to say it - but it was like a repeat of the exact same feelings I had upon discovering Logan Paul's Shop - only now even moreso, given that it was from an artist I already knew had some genuine merit.

Because yeah, end of a life is a fantastic tune. It's a rather melancholy, reflective piece, where Mori reflects on how many things she's been through in life, her friendships, her opportunities, what she's grateful for, all that which led her to where she is now. That's befitting enough to be used for Balcony - a theme I've already spilled far too much love over back on Balcon Fusion Collab, but one that to summarize also hits those very same thematic beats within Cave Story itself. So that's a slam dunk of a rip concept right out the gate! But if there's anyone who I know knows her SiIvaGunner lore, it would be Emm Bee Sea, someone I've been seeing in the comment sections to just about half of the channel's uploads since way back in Season 2 - and one who's not shy to express her affection for what she loves through rips like Staff Roll (SM64) Fusion. And indeed, through that knowledge, through that love for the channel's life, Emm Bee Sea was able to turn edge of a balcony into a celebration of Balcony not just as a theme, but of its eight years worth of rips throughout SiIvaGunner's life.

It might not shock you to learn that Balcony Cruise was not the first rip of the song to be featured on the channel. Cave Story as a game is immensely popular for its music, how much it resonates with the exact kind of person who would also grow attached to SiIvaGunner - hell, Quote as a character in the King for Another Day Tournament was added specifically due to winning the MAGFest 2019 character ballot in vote popularity. And as the chorus begins in edge of a balcony, as Mori's vocals continue leading the melody of end of a life forward, keen-eared viewers will identify the melodies being played by Balcony's original lead instrument in the background - The Flintstones theme from Balcony - Cave Story, music by clipping. from balcony., Subwoofer Lullaby from Moog Island...its all remarkably understated, never taking attention away from the central focus of the rip, never turning it into another Fusion Collab. Yet I find that it plays to the theming of end of a life, and to the theming of small-scale celebration of the day as a whole, so beautifully. Not everyone who follows SiIvaGunner cares all that much about this VTuber girl - I myself am far out of my depth there - yet, for those who care to listen in, there's an unmistakable beating heart to edge of a balcony that makes listening an absolutely magical experience.

On a personal note...It's easy for me to worry sometimes, having ran this blog for so long, with so many words spilled on the most minute details, that I'm more invested in this whole thing than I should be. I still regularly meet people confused over how this channel could even HAVE "seasons", befuddled as to what there is to be taken seriously in its storytelling let alone that it has theming, and most importantly, unable to see the channel's beating heart of creativity as anything more than a tired running joke. I'm not going to act all superior over other people not "getting it", I know full well that SiIvaGunner is not a channel for everyone. But that's part of what makes getting rips like edge of a balcony feel so unbelievably reassuring - to see such unfiltered and pure expressions of love toward not just the entire SiIvaGunner channel, but toward a creator with just as loyal and undying of a fanbase, toward yet another part of the internet many simply "don't get". That the kind of love that I needlessly worry about being too open about is not just allowed to exist, but allowed to flourish, blossom, into something this beautiful. It's the kind of reminder I keep getting from the SiIvaGunner channel at a regular basis, and the kind that'll keep me coming back to this blog through thick and thin.

♫ We were singing at the top of our lungs to the numbness ♫ ♫ This city never died... ♫

[booksrbetterthanpeople]

Some incorrect quotes with Marc as Starfire

Cosette: Way to go, Troqie!

Marc: *Scowls* You do not call me that!

Cosette: But Lucien calls you Troq all the time.

Marc: … That does not make it right.

Cosette: What's up? I thought you said it didn't mean anything.

Marc: No. I said it means "nothing". When Lucien calls me "Troq", he is saying that I am worthless, a nothing.

Cosette: Marc...

Marc: There are those on other planets that think Tamaraneans are inferior. Troq is what they call us.

Cosette: So he's calling you a terrible name. And you know that if you punch him out, it'll only confirm all the bad stuff he says about you?

Marc: Yes! You know what it is like to be judged simply by the way you look?

Cosette: Of course I do. I'm a meta-human.

—

Aurore: I'm sorry Lucien treated you like that. If I'd known I never would've let it happen.

Cosette: None of us would.

Marc: There will always be people who say mean words because you are different. And sometimes their minds cannot be changed. But there are many more people that do not judge people based on how they look, or where they came from. Those are the people whose words truly matter.

—

Marc: *To Nathaniel* All the fault is yours! I commanded you leave me alone, but you insisted upon the 'being nice'!

Nathaniel: MY fault? You blast me, you kiss me, BUT YOU NEVER STOP TO MENTION THAT THEY HAVE A GIGANTIC PARTICLE WEAPON?

—

Marc: I suggest a large pizza with pickles, bananas, and mint frosting.

Simon: Uh, Marc? Not everything on the menu is a pizza topping.

—

Ismael: Four and a half pounds of baby back ribs! Man, I love picnic food! *starts scarfing away*

Marc: Agreed, Ismael. This tangy yellow beverage is truly delightful. *starts slurping more of his drink. The Science Kids slowly stop eating and start looking at him, flabbergasted*

Reshma: Um... Marc?

Ismael: That's mustard.

Marc: Oh… Is there more?

—

Rando: Hey, Hot Alien Babe, you digging the scene?

Marc: Oh I didn't know we were suppose to bring shovels...

—

Emani: Hi, Little Doll!

Marc: Nathaniel... who is this boy, and why is he calling you "Doll"?

—

Nathaniel: *After he and Marc have switched bodies* Marc! You have to calm down. My powers are driven by emotion. The more you feel, the more energy you unleash.

Marc: I will try to calm down. *takes a few deep breaths and closes his eyes* Peace... quiet... tranquil... *His powers cause a car to flip over and blow sky high*

Nathaniel: We are sooo doomed.

—

Nathaniel: You're getting married?!

Marc: Indeed, and I cannot wait to get to Tamaran. I have been having a bit of the sick-home feeling lately, and am eager to introduce my home planet to you, my friends.

Nathaniel: You're getting married?!

Mireille: Yeah, anyone we know?

Marc: I have never met him. My betrothed has been chosen for me by the Grand Ruler of Tamaran.

Nathaniel: You're getting MARRIED? And to SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER MET?

—

Denise: Make him laugh, or something!

Marc: Uh… How many okarins does it take to hogie a morflark?… Fimbar!

—

Marc: Friends! Awaken! Alarm! The Mother Mae-Eye is not truly our mother, but an evil witch who has tricked us all and invaded our home and forbidden our missions and keeps us all under her spell with frequent and plentiful helpings of enchanted pie! *stops and gasps for breath*

Reshma: … So... what now?

Jean: I think he’s saying… He wants more pie!

—

Marc: *After getting hit by Kim’s prank* Is this punishment? I did something wrong?

Kim: Marc, it was... You weren't supposed to... I didn't... Heh, just remember to change that oil every 3,000 miles. Heh heh.

Marc: … On my planet we have a name for those who do such horrible things, you are a... A CLORBAG VARBLERNELK!

Kim: … I'm a what-bag?

Alix: You heard the guy.

Nathaniel: You are such a clorbag.

—

Marc: Your Atlas is nothing but a Zolworg Tubeck Plixing Zarbmarker!

Jean: Yeah, what he said!

—

Cosette: Can't be any scarier than that documentary on hot-dogs Marc made us watch.

Marc: It was fascinating! I had no idea Earth-people ate so many pigs... and insects!

—

*After Nathaniel laughs*

Marc: Many of your Earth ways are still strange to me, but that was... just plain freaky, correct?

—

*In the dark*

Marc: Someone’s claws are on my grebnacks!

Lacey: Hehe... my bad!

—

*Marc is teaching Nathaniel how to fly, because they have switched bodies, and his powers require a happy thought*

Marc: Very good! What was your joyful thought?

Nathaniel: You don't want to know...

Marc: Oh, but I do... please tell me... what did you imagine?

Nathaniel: You… Kissing me.

Marc: *Blushes* Oh... well, I am glad I was able to help...

—

Marc: Come, Friends. I shall thank you all by reciting the Poem of Gratitude. All six thousand verses!

*The DC kids pass out*

—

Reshma: It's all right. We're friends, remember?

Marc: … Friends? *advancing; they back up* Why? For what purpose did you free me?

Zoé: Just...trying to be nice.

Marc: "Nice." We do not have this word on my planet. Closest is "rutha." Weak!

—

Marc: Nomosguoguomuozog! GUO ZOG!!!

Zoé: I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING!!!

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Hey! Was just in the midst of rereading "Lily" and I had a question about your rewriting process:

Was it hard having to replace all the "Harry Potter" elements? Are things REALLY different from "Lily" the fic, or is it just the basics? Is there still a school for magic?

The most important one, tho, is: Did you change Lily's name? I hope not lol

On another note, REALLY excited for the published book! Which actually brings another question, I looked at the word count, and I don't think you can make all of "Lily" one book, so is it gonna be a trilogy, cuz I remember once you said that there are three main arcs, or is it just gonna be a series?

Sorry about all these questions!

Feels weird answering this without having released anything to the wild yet but why not.

And no worries about the question, it's great to know people are still interested/interested at all. That fic is kind of... my ridiculous pet project gone wild that consumed my account for too many years.

Was it Hard Replacing Things?

Yes.

This was the main trouble/what took so damn long. The main story and characters (Lily and her journey and all of that) aren't really reliant on the HP framework, which why it was possible to convert at all, but it's dependent on there being known archetypes and tropes. I like to think I pull it off with a very stereotypical high fantasy setting but a lot had to change, while serving the interests of the story and characters, and also making internal sense.

That meant a lot of sitting down and thinking about the new world, how it works, and the new cast of secondary characters.

Are Things Really Different?

Yes and no.

The overarching point of the story is the same and the main characters go through the same major emotional arcs. The actual plotlines though are vastly different, the world is different, and the secondary characters are different (well, some are reminiscent of the fic but get way more speaking lines/some changes to personalities and others are new).

Basically, I had to write new content for most of it (but the beginning was sadly similar enough that we got the whole pulling down debacle that I still have to wait and see where that lands).

Some things are still the same in that there's still a prophecy, still a case of Lily having been dumped somewhere else for convenient reasons of convenience, and so on.

Is There a Magic School

Sort of.

It's Sir Not Appearing in Book One but does get quite a few name drops.

Is Lily's Name Changed?

She's still Lily and Ellie to start with but she has another name as well and the surname and middle name are different. I was too attached to Lily as a name to drop it by this point.

How Many Fucking Books Is It?

You're right in that it's a long story.

Fuck, it's a long story.

What I've got now for this to be published book is the first arc, roughly the equivalent of chapters 1-25 in the fic version for those following along (same major arc going on). In Lily I'd say while there's three major arcs it'd probably break down best into 4-5 books (though don't quote me, I'm bad at doing this stuff until I sit down to actually write it).

Once I finally get done with this editing business of book 1, book 2 is pretty well scoped out, I have a solid idea what book 3 would be, and then... could be one to two more as I have to sit down and really think about those (that's a future me problem).

[gryfflepuffinthetardis]

Natural Born Killer

Season One Masterlist

The Fox

Derailed

Summary: The BAU is called in for a brutal triple homocide of one woman and two men which turns into a rescue mission for a missing undercover federal agent and a hunt for a misanderist serial killer who moonlights as a hitman with Antisocial Personality Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder who was brutally abused by his father in his childhood but he finds out that not all those who were unfairly abused turn out like he did.

Warning: Mentions of abuse; Hints of main characters being abused in childhood; Mentions of Torture; Rats (Yuck!! I bet Nonna Rossi also said “I no like-a the rats"—This is a reference for Season Thirteen’s Dust and Bones—also I feel to point out that I am part Italian… we think… just in case someone wants to shout at me.); Zoe being kind of mean/sassy to Garcia; Mention of real-life famous unsolved case of Room 1046 or the murder of Roland T. Owen also known as Artemus Ogletree

"Hurt people hurt people. That's how pain patterns get passed on, generation after generation after generation. Break the chain today. Meet anger with sympathy, contempt with compassion, cruelty with kindness. Greet grimaces with smiles. Forgive and forget about finding fault. Love is the weapon of the future.”

November fourteenth, 2005

Zoe and Morgan met the team at a Baltimore crime scene, Morgan was teaching an in-service at the Baltimore Field Office while Zoe had been called with a possible tip on Zarah's whereabouts and just as always it ended up too good to be true.

Zoe spoke to the witness and immediately had a feeling that she wasn't going to be totally reliable when she knocked on the neighbor's door and a woman in her fifties with those stereotypical oversized overnight hair-curlers in her hair. This woman had many, many cats and Zoe felt like one had nestled in her hair by the time they actually got to the case.

"Helen and William are usually such a quiet couple. But last time, it must’ve been around eleven at night, I was trying to sleep but there was loud music coming from their house. It had been on for a while but finally, I got fed up with it. I am a mild-mannered lady. I don’t get involved. But I told myself, Evelynn, you need to shut it down! So I marched over and I knocked on the door, shouting ‘Helen, do you know what time it is?’ But no one answered, I called again, still no one answered or turned down the music, so I reached for the doorknob but it was wet and when I looked at my hand, it was red and sticky and then a man pushed past me and the door, he knocked me over, down the steps, must’ve been hopped up on those damn drugs.”

Zoe pursed her lips together and nodded, "Okay. Now, Ma'am, did you get a good look at the man?"

"No. It all happened so fast."

"Can you remember any specifics?"

"Well, he was White. I'd say he was older than you, twenties, thirties, maybe forties. And I bet he was hopped up on those damn drugs."

—————————————————————————————

Zoe re-entered the DiMarco household as Morgan brought the rest of the team through the house.

“Just finished, interviewing the neighbor and her fifty cats,” Zoe said.

"How'd you get here so fast?" Elle asked.

“I was out for a drive.” Zoe said, vaguely.

"At ten in the morning?"

"I've been out since five-thirty."

"When do you sleep?"

"Who says I sleep?" Zoe asked. "I had a lead on Zarah's whereabouts. Didn't pan out." She started up the stairs, "The neighbor says the suspect is a white male from twenties to forties fleeing the scene, and I quote 'hopped up on those damn drugs'."

"Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable." Gideon said.

"So far, sounds like a standard double homicide. Why are we here?" Hotch asked.

They entered the upstairs bathroom where the murders took place. There was blood splattered up the walls on the ceilings and on the lights, there was a steady blood stain in the tub where it seemed that someone bled out in until the stopper was pulled out, and blood stained around the drain. Blood all splattered in the shower, on the glass, on the shower rug outside the glass, still wet blood on the shower floor. On the vanity, it looked like blood just spurt out of somewhere, on the chair and the floor below it.

"Massive overkill." Morgan said.

"You know I always imagined the hotel room 1046 where Artemus Ogletree was murdered would look a bit like this." Zoe said.

"You've imagined that?" Morgan deadpanned.

Zoe just looked at him.

"I can see that." Spencer said as if this were a normal thing to converse about.

Morgan shook his head, incredulously at the pair and got to the case.

"Helen DiMarco was found here tied to the chair in front of the vanity. No defensive wounds. Ligature marks around the wrists. One clean laceration from ear to ear."

"Looks arterial. Probably the carotid." Zoe remarked. "She went quickly."

"The husband William was found in the shower, but he wasn't quite as lucky." Morgan said. "Ligature marks on the wrists and ankles and one long laceration up the abdomen through both layers of muscle."

"Evisceration? That's typical of disorganized behavior." Spencer said.

"It looks like the prison after Maze was done. Despite all the blood, this crime scene shows method, order, control. I'd say it's pretty organized. Whoever did this, knew what they were doing and I'd say this wasn't their first time." Zoe said. "Was there torture with the husband?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I just know." Zoe said, mutteringly.

"Burns, contusions, lacerations. You name it, this guy tried it." Morgan confirmed.

"If torture is the UnSub's signature, the methodology's usually unique. A person who burns someone doesn't normally use a knife." Spencer said

"So maybe we have more than one killer, or we have one killer with more than one personality." Hotch said.

"And three victims." Zoe said.

"Hmm?"

“Blood on the vanity, wife’s body was found there. The husband was in the shower. I’ve seen an evisceration live, all the blood in there belonged to the husband, and he wouldn’t have much left to spare. So why is there a ring of blood in the tub, if there were only two victims.” She crossed the room to the tub, “It looks like whoever was in here, lost their entire blood volume."

"Approximately ten-point-six pints." Spencer said.

"Which means the victim was dismembered." Elle said.

"It looks like our guy took all the parts with him." Morgan said.

—————————————————————————————

Hemingway wrote, "There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it never really care for anything else."

They moved to the living room—the light was better—the smell was also much better.

"Okay, what do we know about the UnSub based on the two bodies we do have?" Hotch asked.

"Typically, torture falls into two categories, sadistic and functional. Functional torture is used to extract information or to punish. It's measured, impersonal, completely disinterested.

"Like a military tactic."

"Exactly. Then there's sadistic torture which is used to extract some sort of emotional need."

"Yeah, that's always fun." Zoe sassed.

"But sadists are sexually deviant, yet there's no evidence of sexual contact." Elle said.

"That we know of." Hotch said.

"What do you mean?" Spencer asked.

"Well, we don't have the third body yet."

Zoe's phone rang.

"Sorry, let me take this." Zoe said and excused herself. She answered the phone call.

————————————————————————————

The next victim was found last night and it took a while to gather up all the pieces.

"Third victim was positively ID'd as a low-level Mob guy, Frederick 'Freddy' Condore. He was the nephew of the older couple. Body parts were found in seven different trash cans two blocks from the crime scene." Morgan said.

"Were they able to completely reassemble the body?" Spencer asked.

"The killer didn't keep any trophies."

"Is there any evidence that he got off?" Elle asked.

"No."

"Garcia has a number of unsolved murders in D.C., Virginia, and Maryland over the past fifteen years. Many of them have ties to organized crime. All different MOs." Spencer said.

"What's the connection?" Elle asked.

"Torture." Zoe said, bluntly. "Marks on the bones are consistent with the same cutting tool. Tortured victims, most tied to organized crime, no signs of sexual sadism. We're looking for a hitman."

"No, a hitman doesn't need to torture to get the job done." Morgan said.

"Hitmen have baggage too. If I were an UnSub and I liked to torture people before I kill them, a hitman is a perfect way to turn that hobby into a career." Zoe countered.

JJ entered and said, "Two things—Baltimore just forwarded a sketch of the man running from the scene. And you've got some agents out there who think that you're poaching on their turf."

"I'll handle it." Gideon said and he got up and left. He and Alexander came back a few minutes

"Are we dropping it?" Zoe asked her father as Gideon wrote on the whiteboard in red pen.

He looked at her, "I'm sorry, who raised you again?"

Zoe's face split into a wide grin.

"These guys don't know what they're dealing with." Elle said,

"Our UnSub is male, intelligent, organized, and methodical. He has the confidence of a man who's been killing for a long time. The only victim removed from the scene is Freddy Condore, indicating some tie to him. Elle, you, Zoe, and Reid stay on Condore's background with Garcia, dig deep, see what turns up."

"Condore worked as a supervisor at a scrap metal yard in Baltimore. It's owned by a guy named Michael Russo, boss of a small Mob crew. I'm going to grab Hotch and go check him out." Morgan said.

Spencer leaned over Zoe's shoulder, watching her type like the wind on her laptop, she sat in her own chair with her legs out. Her fingers flew across the keyboard like they had a mind of their own, proving to be just as talented in the world of hacking as she was profiling. Garcia sat at her desk, typing.

"You're breathing on my neck." Zoe said.

"Um, sorry." Spencer cleared his throat, pulling away, realizing that once again he was feeling a bit light-headed from Zoe's spiced vanilla perfume. "Sorry for that."

"You three having fun?" Elle asked, entering the room.

"Oh, yeah. Sifting through the life and times of Freddy Condore with Doctor Reid and Zoe Noble-Valdez, MD here is a party I wouldn't want to miss. Credit card receipts show Freddy loved crab cakes, preferred light beer, and used to spend his thursday nights with a woman in Fells point." Elle leaned over, placing her coffee cup near Garcia's equipment as Zoe kicked her chair to roll over to look at the screen as well, engulfing Spencer once again in her unique perfume. Garcia irritatedly moved Elle's cup away from the equipment. "An, uh, expensive woman."

"What about his associates?" Elle asked.

"Most of them have criminal records." Spencer said.

"That much I guessed."

"But one of them is particularly interesting." Spencer said.

Zoe brought her laptop on the small bit of Garcia's desk that wasn't covered in colorful knick-knacks that were so pink they made Zoe's eyes feel like they were melting.

"This is James Baker's rap sheet. He spent time in juvenile detention for attempted murder, was released at age twenty-one, and then subsequently arrested for—and this is in order—armed robbery, petty theft, burglary, narcotics sales, and rape."

"But there's no other sexual assault complaints in his file." Elle said.

“Absolutely nothing. I told you it was interesting.” Spencer said.

"What's so interesting about that?" Garcia asked.

“You need to read a profiling book. Uncle Rossi’s got more than he does ex-wives if you can believe that.” Zoe deadpanned.

"When it comes to psychological behavior, anything is possible, but this criminal history—it just isn't probable. I mean, as a minor, he began with attempted murder and then devolved into pettier crimes? It's the criminal history of a fractured schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder. It just does not make sense."

"Unless someone made that rap sheet up, and they weren't thinking about the behavior—they just plugged in whatever sounded good." Zoe said.

Garcia’s computer beeped and Zoe took her laptop from the desk. “Hold on. His mug shot’s coming up.” Spencer took the sketch and held it beside the mugshot.

Elle took out her phone and said into it, "I've got an address for you to hit."

—————————————————————————————

It turns out James Baker was an undercover federal agent working for Organized Crime and Hotch and Morgan went to talk to Michael Russo while the others waited.

Gideon left his office, "Success. Hotch and Morgan just shook Russo's confidence in his hitman."

"Well, he'll want to bring him in and get a read on him." Elle said.

"Yes, ma'am."

"What if by playing them against each other, we've made Russo as paranoid as his hitman?" Spencer asked as Spencer, Elle, and Zoe followed Gideon and Alexander. "What would stop them from trying to kill each other?"

"Well, if that happens, then we'll never find Jimmy Baker alive." Elle said.

"We've got a surveillance team outside of Russo's office. Stay on it." Gideon said.

"Bye, Angel." Alexander called to his daughter through the closing elevator doors.

—————————————————————————————

Zoe and Garcia worked on the phone tap.

"Is this gonna work?" Elle asked.

"The beam is reflected from the window pane according to the law of optics." Spencer said.

"Yeah, the angle of instance is equal to the angle of reflection." Zoe said before Garcia could.

Elle held up her hands to stop them from talking about things she didn't understand. "Uh-huh. Is it gonna work?"

"Yes, Elle, it'll work." Zoe said, "I've got a friend in Paris who does things like this and she's not been caught."

Russo's voice came on over the tap, "Hey. It's me. I need to see you tonight. I'll call you from a secure line.

"Apparently." Garcia said.

"Criminals think they're so smart." Zoe grinned.

"Hey. Listen, you brought a lot of heat taking down Freddy like that. What—I'm dealing with the Feds! Listen, meet me here at the office. They don't know nothin'. I'm dealing with them. Stop being paranoid, Vinny.

"Bingo." Spencer said.

"No. Vinny."

—————————————————————————————

"Russo's got eleven associates named Vincent." Spencer said.

"No, make that ten. Vincent Chiletto died last summer." Zoe said.

"You know, here's something," Elle said and placed her coffee cup down on Garcia's desk who glared at it like was a personal insult to her. "What can you tell me about Vincent Sartori...?" Garcia had grabbed Elle's cup and threw it in the trash. "I was still drinking that."

"Not only is this equipment expensive, it's also extremely sensitive." Was Garcia's excuse.

“Yeah, that's the reason. Not that you overcompensate the gore of our work by living in a world of denial and cupcakes and unicorns and stains ruin that fantasy and also you touch my cup and I will hack your technological world to bits... or we'll just have to see how hard it is to hack with broken fingers.” Zoe deadpanned with a death glare and then she causally continued, "I used to have this set up before you, it's not that sensitive. I used to eat lunch at this desk. If you're done, who's next?"

"Vincent Sartori." Elle said.

"Currently doing six at Dannemora for racketeering," Garcia said.

"How about this 'Perotta'? There's not much on him." Spencer asked.

"Can you get into those records?" Elle asked.

"Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, Zoe or Garcia can find the faintest echo of deletion and successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts. " Spencer said, sarcastically.

"Eh, my dad's got connections." Zoe said, shrugging off jail time.

"Can he do that?" Spencer asked and Zoe looked at him.

"Do I look like I was a well-behaved child?" Zoe asked. "I just threatened to break Garcia's fingers if she touched my hot chocolate."

"Yeah, well, not everyone's daddy is the future head of the FBI." Spencer muttered.

“The Valdezes also have a lot of connections… and death threats.” Zoe said, typing on her laptop, "You've met Maze. Why do you think she only got kicked out of the FBI rather than arrested for massive overkill and mass murder despite in self-defense."

"The rest of us can make bail. Garcia?

"Already in." Zoe called, rolling over.

"You know, hacking is kind of my thing." Garcia said, annoyed.

"And overachieving to distract myself from my lifetime of survivor's guilt is mine." Zoe said, "And it is now on your screen."

"Alcohol addiction at fourteen, violent outbursts, assaults. Once threw a Molotov cocktail at someone sitting in their car." Garcia read.

"Several notations for aggression. He once scheduled a visit to an infirmary to gain access to a boy who looked at him for too long?"

"I've done something like that." Zoe muttered and Spencer gave her an incredulous look.

"No fear, no remorse, quick temper, and he was smart enough to stay off the radar as an adult. Paranoid personality, could be our guy." Elle said.

"There's absolutely no information on him as an adult. No driver's license, no utility bills, nothing. It's like he became a ghost."

"Let's just hope they can catch him." Spencer said.

"I think they need my help for this one. I've dealt with hitmen before."

—————————————————————————————

Zoe was given permission to join them catch Vincent and she joined them on her motorcycle, dressed in black. She moved through the Russo's junkyard slowly with her gun in her hand.

"Remember, we need this man alive." She heard Gideon say through the comm.

"Copy that." An officer said.

"It's all clear." Morgan said.

"Nothing." Agent Josh Cramer, a friend and co-worker of Jimmy Baker said.

Zoe kept to the darkness, avoiding the light, her small stature and dark clothing she had changed into helped. Hotch, however, wasn't as lucky.

Zoe froze when she sensed something. Someone was moving in the darkness, not wanting to be caught. Then she heard a thump and the sound of someone being attacked. She ran towards the sound, going stealth mode, jumping and sliding across the hood of a broken car as Hotch hit the ground and fumbled to grab his ankle gun when Vincent started to strangle him with a garrote.

Morgan arrived and pointed his gun, "Hotch, let me take him!" Hotch shook his head as he struggled to breath, not having the training that Zoe had on how to avoid this.t

"Gideon, I've got a headshot. That's it."

"Don't take it. We need him alive."

It was a tense moment before there was a metallic swish in the air and a knife flew between Hotch and Vincent's bodies, cutting the wire and releasing Hotch, cutting Vincent’s skin.

Vincent got up, turning, ready to attack but he faltered when he realized Zoe was a woman as she jumped down from a car hood. She raised her eyebrows at his hesitation before she raised her taser and tased him until he fell. She got the sense that he hadn't wanted to fight back even then.

"Well, that was interesting." She remarked.

"What was so interesting about that?" Cramer asked.

Zoe ignored him and went to Hotch's side along with Gideon as the others restrained Vincent.

"Hotch, you okay?" Zoe asked as Hotch coughed. "Yeah, garrotes' never fun."

"Take your tie off for once in your life, huh?" Gideon said, helping Zoe loosen Hotch's tie.

—————————————————————————————

Zoe arrived at the BAU first.

"Did you get him?" Elle asked.

"Yeah, he tried to choke out Hotch with a garrote." Zoe said.

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah, I threw a knife, cutting it." Zoe said as they reached her desk. "They'll be here in like ten minutes."

Zoe took her black beanie off as Elle walked off to meet them when they arrived. Zoe's hair tumbled out of her beanie and Spencer got a whiff of Zoe's vanilla-y perfume again.

"Uh, did-did you change?" He asked, nervously, looking at her all-black outfit.

"Yeah, I have a change of clothes for every occasion. Stealth. Running. Climbing. You name it."

They brought Vincent into the interrogation room and chained him up real good.

"We don't have time for this little show." Cramer complained to Hotch. "Interrogation techniques say make the guy comfortable, make him your friend, give him a way out. That's how you get a confession."

"That may work with a common criminal. It's not going to work here." Alexander said.

"Why is that?"

"Because anti-social personality disorder means never trust anyone with anything at any time." Hotch said.

"Then what are you supposed to do?" Cramer asked.

"Make him uncomfortable." Alexander said.

—————————————————————————————

There were several boxes of stuff taken from Vincent's van.

"This was all in his van?" Spencer asked.

"Yep." Morgan said, once he had joined them from chaining up Vincent. "The guy wasn't exactly neat."

"Classic antisocial personality." Spencer said, "What are these tapes?"

"I don't know. Why don't you, Zoe, and Garcia go take a look, let us know, alright?"

"Yeah! Movie night. I'll make popcorn."

“Are you the equipment’s not too sensitive for that?” Zoe deadpanned as Garcia walked off.

—————————————————————————————

Gideon, Alexander, and Hotch looked at Vincent through the glass.

Gideon turned to Hotch, "Go home."

"I'm fine. He's got a little slack."

"Morgan says he's secure, he's secure. Zoe recommended those chains and she'd know." Alexander said as Gideon put his gun down and went to enter.

"Uh, Jason." Hotch called.

"Yeah."

"Let's not give him a weapon." Hotch said and took Gideon's pen in his breast pocket, "He's kind of strong."

Gideon went back to go in but pulled back, "Hey, Hotch?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll be okay."

Gideon entered the interrogation room, I'm Supervisory Special Agent, Jason Gideon. Federal Bureau of Investigation."

"You afraid of me, Jason?" Vincent asked.

"You were advised of your rights?" Gideon asked.

"Take these off and we'll really talk." Vincent said, referring to the chains.

"Were you advised of your rights?" Gideon repeated.

"I know my rights." Vincent answered.

"You want to talk?"

"I got nothing to hide." Vincent said, shaking his head.

"Good."

Behind the glass, Cramer and Morgan re-entered, "How's it going?"

"Don't turn your back on him, Gideon." Hotch muttered.

"Hotch, you know how he is. He's just trying to show him that he's not intimidated." Morgan said.

"Yeah, it's not about fear, it's about being dismissive." Hotch explained, "Perotta could assume that he's disrespecting him."

"Why don't we turn these cameras off? I'll get him to tell us where Jimmy is." Cramer suggested.

"That wouldn't work." Hotch said.

"You sure about that?" Cramer asked.

"Yeah, he was probably abused by one or both of his parents. He's learned to take the pain." Hotch explained.

"And that's why he has no compassion for anyone else's." Alexander said.

"You've got to trust us." Morgan said.

Back in the room, Vincent said, "You're not organized Crime."

"No." Gideon said, "We're Behavioral Analysis."

"What's that mean?"

"Well, we study how you think, why you do what you do." Gideon said, sitting in the chair across from Vincent.

"No kidding?"

"We have a word for you." Gideon said.

"You've got a word for me?" Vincent asked.

"Oh, yeah, actually we have a few." Gideon smiled without mirth, "Psychopath. Paranoid personality disorder."

"That's quite a mouthful, Jason." Vincent said, unbothered.

"Yes, it is."

Vincent leaned forwards, "Michael Russo set me up, didn't he?"

Gideon took out a picture of Jimmy, "Do you recognize this man?"

"Nope."

Gideon looked across the room to the board with the three recent victims on it. "How about them? Anyone look familiar?"

"Wait a minute. The third guy over." Vincent said, referring to Freddy, the one he dismembered. "I think he does those late-night commercials for the dead worms. You know, softies." Gideon chuckled, again without mirth. "That's funny to you?"

"It's just interesting that you'd choose that expression." Gideon said, "You have problems performing?

"Not me."

Behind the glass, Morgan asked, "Where's he going with this? There's no evidence this guy can't perform.

"I know. Gideon knows that. He's just pushing his buttons." Hotch said.

Back in the room, Gideon asked, "Does murder excite you? Is that the only thing that can give you a sexual release?" Gideon crossed to the board. "Vincent," So the hitman looked over at the agent and watched Gideon flip the board, revealing it filled with Vincent's other victims, all men. "I believe you are an extremely impotent man."

Vincent suddenly jerked, the handcuffs rattling when they were pushed to their extent. "Take these off and we'll see."

Cramer suddenly barged in, "Where's Jimmy, you son of a bitch?" He grabbed Vincent by the sweater, "He's a federal agent!" Morgan came in and pulled on Cramer as Gideon pushed him out. "I will personally execute you! Personally!" Gideon slammed the door shut but Vincent had already heard and he was smirking.

"Baker is a federal agent. I knew it." He said.

"Where is he, Vincent?" Gideon asked.

"Hey, Jason! Is it still called 'paranoid' if I'm right?" He asked and Gideon left the room.

————————————————————————————

Garcia held up one of the tapes.

"Ten bucks says this involves naked coeds and a plumber." She said.

“What?" Spencer asked, incredulously.

"Never mind." Garcia sighed, remembering who she was talking to.

“Aw, you’re just so innocent.” Zoe cooed.

Spencer’s cheeks burned, “No, I’m not.

“Yes, you are. You were twelve when he went to college."

“Fourteen.” He muttered. "How old were you?"

“I started taking college classes when I was five. Zarah and I agreed to go through high school together but you know, life happens. But we all can’t be Morgan and good thing too or I would’ve given up on men altogether” Zoe said, blankly and Spencer blushed at the subtle compliment that she thought he was better than Morgan, “Give me that.” She put the video evidence in and it started to play.

There was a man with dark hair, screaming in pain but the camera was too close to really see anything distinct other than that.

"Okay, who's that?" Garcia asked.

"I have no idea." Spencer said.

"I'm guessing someone about to be butchered." Zoe said.

Spencer cleared his throat, not wanting to verbalize the torture to Garcia, "Put another tape in."

Garcia did so and the next tape had screams coming from it.

"Oh my god." Garcia muttered with disgust and horror.

“Well, that’s a form of torture I’ve never experienced,” Zoe said, tilting her head at this rarity.

"I'll be back."  Spencer said and left.

"Well, I'll leave you to this." Zoe said, clapping Garcia on the back and leaving her alone to follow Spencer.

—————————————————————————————

Gideon stormed over to Cramer, "What the hell is wrong with you?" He growled.

"We don't have time for this, all right? My friend might still be alive out there somewhere." Cramer snapped.

"You just told him Baker was a federal agent. He may never tell us now."

"I told him to hang tough." Cramer said.

"What?"

"Jimmy. When he called me, I told him to stick with the assignment, that we didn't need to bring him in right away." Cramer confessed and Gideon turned his back to him to walk a little ways away. "Hey, I had too much invested, all right? Too much time. And I wanted Russo. So we waited twenty-four hours to go in for him. By the time we got there, that maniac..."

Spencer and Zoe entered, interrupting Cramer, "There's a chance Agent Baker's being tortured. And I think we know how."

"Rats." Zoe said.

—————————————————————————————

You needed me?" JJ asked when they called her over.

"Yeah. These are the faces of new victims off the videotapes we found." Hotch said, handing the photos over to JJ, "Check with local, see if they have any open homicides or missings that might correspond."

"Are those rats?" JJ asked.

"Yeah."

"Fun, right?" Zoe asked, sarcastically.

"What are we going to do?" Cramer asked as JJ walked off.

"Well, we looked at all the stuff in the van and besides the videotapes, there's nothing that interesting."

"I got Garcia going over the sound on the tapes, trying to isolate the background noise. Maybe something there will help."

“The good news is, it seems like they were all filmed in the same space,” Spencer said, fiddling with a bent-out paper clip. “It could be some sort of home base for him.”

"Yeah, but where is it?" Cramer asked.

"What do we know about Vincent Perotta?" Gideon asked.

Ah, he was doing that teaching thing.

"He's off the grid. Garcia can't find a registered phone utility bill, or home address on this hump."

"Come on, everybody lives somewhere. There's gotta be a paper trail." Hotch said.

"If there is, we can't find it." Spencer said.

"In this day and age you can't live without leaving some sort of trace." Hotch said.

"Unless someone pays your bills for you." Elle said.

"What about Russo?" Morgan asked, "Could he be taking care of him?"

"No. No, no, no. Russo's not paying anybody's bills but his own." Cramar said.

“Well, he has to have a weakness. It’s in his crime. It’s in his behavior.” Gideon said all while Zoe remained silent and for once completely still, the gears in her head, turning.

"You know, something's just been bugging me." Morgan said, "Freddy. Wasn't he easy to find? He cut up the body. He removed it from the crime scene. But then he leaves it a couple of blocks away where's he's gotta know we're gonna find it. It's the whole reason we were able to connect Perotta to the crime."

"He made a mistake." Alexander said.

"Yeah, he did. He went off script."

"What does that mean?" Cramar asked.

"Something knocked him off his game." Gideon said.

"That's right."

"His behavior." Gideon continued, "Well what does he do?"

"He tortures." Cramar said

"Always?" Gideon asked, "Zoe, you've been awfully quiet."

"The difference is Mrs. Dimarco. All his victims except her have been men and she was the only one who died quickly." Zoe said, "And when I fought him, he hesitated when he realized I was a woman. His mother didn't physically abuse him but his father did, she just did nothing."

"How is that better?" Cramer asked.

"To most people, it's easier to hate than to love when there so much reason to hate, but some people don't want to accept that they were ever loved any less than they should've been." Zoe said. "All the men were surrogates for his father, the brutality indicates that he was violent with his abuse, so he tortured them before killing them, but Mrs. Dimarco who reminded him of his mother... she didn't beat him. He doesn't hate her; he loves her because she was the only one who showed him kindness in his house."

"You want to finish this?" Gideon asked Hotch.

"Yeah." Hotch said and walked past them.

"Keep working." Gideon told them and he and Alexander followed him.

Hotch entered the interrogation room. "Hey, look who's here. My old friend. Feeling better?" Vincent said with no emotion. "Where's Jason?"

Alexander entered. "Who's this?"

"I'm the father of the girl who caught you." Alexander said, sternly.

"You grew up in a house that looked normal and happy, didn't you, Vincent?" Hotch said.

"Did I?" He asked.

"But your father beat you every chance he got."

"He smacked me around some. Didn't everybody's old man?" Vincent asked.

"No." Alexander and Hotch said.

"Well maybe if yours had, you would have learned to fight."

Oh, the irony.

—————————————————————————————

Zoe sat in Garcia’s lair as she, Spencer, and Garcia listened to the audio. Zoe was leaned back in her chair with her arms across the armrests and her fists balled up and her ankles crossed, making her knees slightly open, she had her eyes closed, this was the position she was put in every day. When she would have rely on her hearing to know what was happening around her.

“There. Do you hear that?” Garcia asked. There was a distant engine sound.

“What is that?” Spencer asked.

“I don’t know.”

“It’s like it’s moving. Getting closer.” Spencer said.

“Airplane.” Zoe said, “When I was captive for those eight months, I would try to figure out where I was, see if I heard any airplanes, I remember explictedly listening for airplanes, specifically but…” She shook her head. She had been frequently moved until the last few months but she did recall when they would throw her in the back of some van, in the rare occasions the drugs didn’t knock her out more so at the end once she built up a tolerance, not only was she blindfolded but she had noise-canceling headphones on.

—————————————————————————————

"Paranoid personalities develop in childhood." Hotch told Vincent.

"You know you're saving me thousands of dollars in therapy bills?" Vincent said, mockingly.

“You learned to take the beatings, the abuse. You learned to smile.” Alexander said, he remembered when he saw Zoe go through that. She smiled through her pain. More and more as she had more pain to hide. He did the same thing. For his sister. He made her think he was strong. Zoe inherited that. “But in the back of your mind, you probably thought, 'One day… One day, when I’m big enough…’”

"So you were bullied and abused, and you became an abuser and a bully. It's a logical progression." Hotch said.

Alexander was immensely proud of the fact despite all the pain his daughter has been through in her life, she has not become like them. She may be a little mean but she had a good heart. It was only her way of protecting herself.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Your father beat your mother, too, didn't he?" Hotch said and Vincent finally looked at them.

"My mother's got nothing to do with this." Vincent said.

"She's got everything to do with this." Alexander corrected.

"Your mother knew. She knew that he beat you every day and she did nothing to help you. And you still loved her. Even though she let you get hurt, you loved her. And I wondered why, why you didn't hate her. Then, of course, I realized that he beat her as much as he beat you." Hotch said.

"Don't talk about my mother."

"You killed all these people. Hundreds of them, and only one woman. That's what made you get sloppy, isn't it? Killing Mrs. DiMarco was hard. That's why you did it first and you made it quick. We thought it was to establish dominance but it wasn't." Alexander said.

"He was a bastard, all right?" Vincent said, finally unnerved.

"Your father?"

"I call him Frank. He was a mean son of a bitch. Is that what you want to know?"

Alexander understood. He called his father, Cain. So did Isobel and so did Zoe.

—————————————————————————————

Morgan and Elle found a certain pizza place Vincent frequented.

"Gideon, I think we got something here." Morgan called him over.

"He's got a bunch of pizza boxes from Franetti's Pizza." Elle said, "It's in Glen Burnie, a suburb that backs up right to the airport."

"Which makes sense since we can hear airplanes in the background of the video." Spencer said.

"Check property records for Frank Perotta."

"Who?

"His father?" Zoe assumed.

"Yeah,"

"Yeah, sounds an asshole." Zoe said.

"He still lives in his father's house." Gideon said.

"He still lives in the house his dad brutally beat him up in?" Zoe scoffed.

"I'll get Garcia on it.

"That's why nothing is in his name."

"If it were me, I'd distance myself as far as I could from the jackass." Zoe said, darkly as Morgan left.

Gideon patted her on the back and she looked at him with a steely look and then she spun away going to her phone.

"Garcia just sent me the file. It says Jackass Perotta did live in Glen Burnie, before he died in a hunting 'accident' with his son thirty years ago, because it's a great idea to take the son you brutally abuse to isolated forests with a loaded gun in his hand." She said, sarcastically. "The only thing more idiotic than men are abusive men."

—————————————————————————————

They entered the house and found Jimmy in the basement, tied up being feasted on by rats which Gideon kept kicking and shouting at them.

"Jimmy. You all right, man?" Cramer asked his friend and turned to Zoe who had immediately gone to check on his well-being. "Is he okay?"

“He’s going to live.” Zoe confirmed. "He might wanna get tested for rabies, just to be safe, and remember, several tests, no single test is sufficient."

—————————————————————————————

Hotch and Alexander still sat across from Vincent.

"You were just responding to what you learned, Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive, violent household... It's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers." Hotch said and he stood up and headed to the door as other agents came in to arrest Vincent.

"Some people?" Vincent asked.

"What's that?" Hotch asked, turning.

"You said some people grow up to be killers."  Vincent repeated.

Hotch and Alexander exchanged looks and then Alexander said, "And some people grow up to catch them."

They held eye contact before the two agent fathers, once abused by their own fathers but would never dream of doing the same to their children, left.

Carl Jung said, "The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers."

——————————————————————————

Note: They don't mention it a lot but my head canon is that Hotch was abused by his father and perhaps even took the beatings for his younger brother which makes it more amazing how Hotch turned out as a father.

*Evlynn is based off a SNL character played by Kate McKinnon in one skit.*

*I feel like there's another reference in here but I can't remember what.*

*I feel like I know a song that would fit but I can't think of it right now but if I find it, I'll add it to this.*

*If anyone doesn't know about the murder of Room 1046, I recommend watching Buzzfeed Unsolved's twenty-minute video on it (Ryan and Shane add a bunch of humor to a dark case and make it easier to learn about it) or Infographic's ten-minute video on it (they have a bit more information on the case). If you search "Room 1046" on YouTube, it's some of the first ones that show up*

*Edited October 21, 2024—I have Grammarly but on Tumblr, it's kind of hard to see when something is misspelled and I have my screen on dark mode, so the red line is kind of a darker gray that's hard to see. Also sometimes I kind of feel like Grammar is at times a sort of change with the person (another reason I think it's stupid that Grammar that changes depending where someone is from is on standardized tests). I am actually from Virginia, actually from a town they have never ever mentioned on the show and I'm not surprised, we're basically nobodies, so I speak with slightly southern slang but I don't have an explicitly southern accent, sometimes I'll slip into one, more so when I was younger but it comes out sometimes like if I say "southern", but Virginia is the most northern southern state, if I lived one state down, it's most likely I'd have a southern accent. (Like I say words like "Flordia" "Forest" and "Orange" with a kind "are" instead of "or" so I say these like "Fl-ar-da", "Far-rest", "Ar-enge".) But the point of the that was, because of that I've kind of gotten into the habit in not checking when the red dot appears beside a paragraph in Tumblr but I'm adding these to Archive of Our Own which actually shows the red line under the word that's flagged as incorrect.*

*Hotch gifs are from @lihiominaa*

[sophiesbookishthings]

July Reads

The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

I read this like 2 days before the allegations against Neil Gaiman came out 🫤. And since now it feels too weird to talk too much about anything regarding him right now, I'm not gonna fully review this book. I considered not putting this here at all, but I want an honest chronicle of the books I've read. And I feel like this little non-review isnt gonna cause anyone to go read his books or support him in any way. So, I will just say that I did enjoy this book, and it's one of my favorites I've read from him, but I'll leave it at that.

5/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Pale Dreamer by Samantha Shannon

This is a little prequel novella to The Bone Season. I enjoyed seeing the dynamic of Paige and her seven dials gang before she gets thrown into the whole main plot of the series. It also gives a bit of interesting insight into why she and the other 6 act the way they do in The Bone Season.

4/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Bone Season (author's preferred text) by Samantha Shannon

This is a really interesting dystopian book. This is the first book in a seven book series and I'm intrigued to see where it goes. The main character Paige has really interesting psychic powers that I think are going to get really badass as the series goes on. There's also the rephaim and I really want to know more about their whole thing. Can't wait to keep reading these. I went and got the authors preferred text editions when they came out cause Samantha Shannon is quickly becoming one of my favorite authors.

4/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

I got an absolutely gorgeous edition of this book from litjoy, and I think I read it like a day or two after I got it in the mail. I remember watching the movie when I was a kid, but I'd never read the book. Sometimes, it's better to watch the movie first, I think. Because I liked the movie, but it's not a lot like the book, and had I known that I probably would've liked the movie less. Anyway! I loved the love story in this book. Ella and Char match each other’s energy and quirkiness so perfectly. And the fantasy element of the book is really cool. There's centaurs, fairies, giants, and elves, and the way they were done felt like an old fairy tale, which I feel like doesn't get done too much anymore.

5/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers

5/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers

I'm going to do a single review for these two novellas because I basically read them as one continuous book and I don't know how well I can deferentiate between the events that occur in each one. This book is very philosophical but also very cozy and sweet. There were some ideas and quotes in these two books that I will probably be thinking about for a long time. The friendship between the main characters (a tea monk and a robot) was incredibly well done and I really liked both of them. These books ultimately hold such kindness at their heart and I think we need more of that. I highly recommend these books.

5/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Secrets of Blackthorn Hall by Cassandra Clare

I read this before when it was being released on tumblr but I received the Kickstarter hardback edition and it's absolutely gorgeous. Shadowhunters is always a comfort series to me, especially anything involving the Blackthorns and Malec.

4/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson

As per the Stormlight Archive, so much happened in this book, dear lord... So much happened in the last like 300ish pages alone (which i guess is the length of a normal book). This is also the longest book I've ever read, so that's fun. For a lot of this book, I was really thinking that Kaladin/Shallan/Adolin all have two hands, and Sanderson should stop being a coward lol. But anyway... I loved reading from the perspective of bridge 4 through the book and seeing what they're doing outside of kaladin. I need to know more about like all of the singers because I've been lowkey rooting for them since the first book. Which is really a testament to Sanderson's writing because I could tell that they really weren't the bad guys, and that there was something deeper going on, and some of that was revealed in this book.

5/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Chlorine by Jade Song

I didn't love this book. I think it was the fact I really didn't like a single one of the characters and there was very little dialog to the point it almost felt just like stating of events and the narrators (usually all negative) feelings about the events and the people involved. I will give it that it had the first scene I've ever read to make me actually physically uncomfortable. It was gay but in a very messy pining way that never really felt like it went anywhere. I think that there are people that would really like this book cause it did have potential, but it just didn't worj for me. I will admit I have been thinking about it a lot, though, so there's that anyway.

3/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

I haven't watched the Amazon series of this, and I'm mad that they changed the songs for it from the ones in the book. I wanted to listen to those ☹️. I feel like I shouldn't like that it was so obviously based on Fleetwood Mac, but I kinda did. I've always found their whole extremely messy deal fascinating, and this was basically the fictional version of that.

5/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

This was really interesting to read after having read the whole lotr trilogy first. This reads like a children's book (because it is) which was a bit surprising because of the much different tone I was expecting after lotr and the Hobbit movies. Also, it basically says the elves are fae. It refers to the Undying Lands as Faerie. Why do people not talk about that more??? It makes so much sense. They act like fae. They're whole vibe and lore is so fae like. It makes sense. Regular elves are little guys! Tolkien elves are fae! Anyway, lol, I really liked this book. I do think I liked lotr more just cause I love books/series that are lore heavy and also Samwise Gamgee.

5/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[alex-guerin]

I had a Death Wish when I left for work today. I was backing out of the driveway and saw something hanging from our little garden flag. I had noticed it last night when I got home but thought it was something Coonhound related (we have 3 and my mom is obsessed with them so....). So, I hadn't thought anything of it.

Then I saw it...a flag with Trump's mugshot on an old fashioned wanted poster saying, "WANTED FOR PRESIDENT" I slammed on my breaks, threw my Jeep in park, got out and ripped it off it's little flag pole so fast I'm surprised nothing ripped or broke. I crumpled it up and threw it on the floor of the front seat and left for work. Got to work and took this ransom photo

Which I then proceeded to send to my mom along with this message

Now, I admit, I probably should have phrased some things differently, and I probably should have left out the swearing, and waited until I cooled down a bit before texting her,but every time I saw that damned flag, I'd just get pissed off all over again, so I gave no fucks and did it anyway.

Unfortunately, my mother had a reply of her own.

I left her on Read.

Now, nowhere did I happen to mention God or religion when I texted her. So where did this rant about God come from? And secondly, me going to college was HER idea. I did not WANT to go to college and be up to my eyeballs in debt. I couldn't think of anything that interested me enough to want to get a degree in that would make me any money. This didn't matter to her. She didn't care if I, and I quote, "get a degree in Underwater Basket Weaving! Just get a degree in SOMETHING!" so that I wouldn't end up working in a warehouse like she had for so many years.

Well. Oops? Looks like that backfired on her and now she's mad cuz I'm working in a warehouse and I have a different view of things from her. Both her fault.

Anyway, I digress.

When I got home, this took place...

I walked in the door, said hi to the dogs, gave Goose his medicine and went to go upstairs...

Mom: WHERE is my flag?

Me: *having folded it up respectfully instead of throwing it out in the garbage at work like I wanted to* Under the cookies I brought home on the counter.

Mom: Good! It better be.

Me: *walking behind her at her computer to get to the stairs, rolling my eyes and trying not to let out an audible sigh of resignation. Get to the stairs...*

Mom: And I do NOT appreciate you infringing on MY First Amendment Rights! This is the SECOND TIME you've done it to me, and it's going to stop!

Me: *under my breath, pretending not to have heard her* Ah yes. Good ol' Freedom of Speech. The only one the Trumpers know, and they are the only ones allowed to exercise it...

Now, dear well-meaning friends...please do not tell me I need to get out of this house (I already know this, I've known for a while, keep walking please), that I do not HAVE to stay here (will you find me a cheap apartment that will let me keep my cats and is close to work...), believe me when I say...no fucking shit. However, as already stated, it's very difficult to find apartments less than 40 minutes from my job that will let me have my boys. Believe me, I have looked. And the ones that WILL allow my boys, want a stupid amount of rent.

For those who fear my mother my throw me out...valid, I sometimes fear that myself. Then I remember, oh yeah, I pay my dad $440/month in "rent", which is literally half the mortgage payment. So even though my mom refuses to admit that I pay half the mortgage, and even though my name is nowhere on the mortgage paperwork, I am literally paying half the mortgage, and without my "rent" money...they wouldn't be able to make their mortgage payments. So they need me to stay so they don't risk losing the house. Thus, she won't kick me out.

I seem to have this knack for pissing her off. We butt heads on so many things, and I think part of what makes her so mad is that in the last few years, I've finally started trying to stand up for myself and not let her try to dictate my life for me. I'm not the timid little six year old who hangs off her every word and never questions anything, just blindly does what they're told. I have my own views. My own beliefs. My own opinions. And I don't think she likes that.

And what's worse, she likes to remind me that I'm just like my father...and I honestly can't remember the last time she had anything good or positive to say about him. I actually don't think I have EVER heard her truly say anything good or positive about him. She's always bitching to me about him. I think she also forgets I am half her DNA also. So like, I got her stubbornness and being ornery and independent streak.

😮‍💨 Sorry. I know people avoid RL Blogging and it's annoying to see someone whining about their life. I just needed to get it off my chest.

[aoyama-division]

Luis's Thoughts on Pixel Syndicate

Anika Kiyozaki

"I'm not a racing fan like Karada is. I know some people are interested, but if I wanted to see people driving down dangerously on roads and such, I'd just head to Osaka and watch people driving on the Kanjo Loop. ...Now that I think about it, I wouldn't be surprised if people used that as some sort of underground racing track. I mean, it's certainly busy during the day, and at night. But I guess that adds to the certain level of recklessness and dangerousness...

"But anyway, if Karada hadn't told me about this woman, I'd not know anything about her. Apparently after an incident, she retired from racing and now works as some sort of therapist. Like Karada mentioned, that's certainly a step away from racing, but I guess she probably wanted something more... low-key. Still, it's good to know she's here if I ever need to talk to someone."

Shian Meizono

"After I spent a day of thinking about it, I finally remembered where I saw this woman before. She had just come in after the lunch rush and asked for a large meal since she apparently had been hunting a criminal that had alluded her for almost three days straight. Not to quote Tomi, but I'm glad she is around. The fewer criminals hanging around here, the better. We already have one or two criminal teams in the D.R.B. The last thing we need is another.

"But anyway, she ate nearly everything on the menu and left a large tip. I'm kind of surprised I didn't recognize her when she delivered my birthday gift. The only other person I've seen eat as much as her is Kanra-chan from Edogawa. ...But, at least I have an idea of what to get her for her birthday."

Makina Setsukura

"Like I mentioned with 'Nikki Yoshie', I'm not all that big on video games. I've played them and I like some more than others, but I'm not as big a fan as Karada is. But anyway, he told me about this young woman. Apparently, she uploads videos of herself playing video games, either speed running through them or posting walkthroughs. ...I guess I know who to look for whenever I get the nerve to play video games again and I need some assistance. But the odds of that are very slim..."

Pixel Syndicate

"Not to quote my teammates, but I have to say, I'm quite surprised that Chuohku actually let a third team represent another division. The first team to do so was the Daybreakers who relocated to Kawasaki. The second team is the current team, the Otaku Corps. And these women make up the third team. I wonder just how many teams Chuohku needs to form or create before they are satisfied. Forming new divisions isn't enough. Now, they even have teams forming in already created divisions. I'm starting to think they just enjoy the chaos that they spread...

"But other than that, I don't think Tomi or Karada were giving these women a fair shot. Just like any other team, they have the ability to succeed, regardless of how well-known they are or not. I'm not saying one team is better than another. Whichever team between them or the Otaku Corps wins, they'll have earned and deserved it. I wish them both the best of luck."

[youremyheaven]

different anon chiming in but man the thing I don't get about Meghan Markle is like... dude, you joined the ROYAL FAMILY, like- the actual royal family lol. They are known for having intense rules and traditions and obviously in recent decades it's become more lax and adapted to the changing culture, but there is a reputation to uphold. Why would you join the royal family then act all 'shocked pikachu face' when suddenly there are rules, and they are uptight, and things aren't always fair.

I don't know the details of the situation, never followed it much tbh but that part of it just confused me, it's like she didn't register how serious of a position it is to be a member of the royal family

LITERALLY???

there is a very famous clip where she says Kate & Will did not hug her when they first met her and she's making it seem like the biggest deal lmfao its sooo funny to me,, this is her exact quote:

"I remember I was in ripped jeans and barefoot. Like I was a hugger, always been a hugger, I didn't realize that that is really jarring for a lot of Brits. I guess I'd start to understand very quickly that the formality on the outside, carried through on the inside," she continued about the multiple etiquette rules followed by the royal family, which she mistakenly believed were only observed in public. There is a forward-facing way of being and then you close the door and you relax now," she added about how she expected the etiquette to be left at the door once the work day had finished. But that formality carries over on both sides. And that was surprising to me."

im not a royal or British but if someone i met for the first time in my life wanted to hug me, i'd be uncomfortable too?? like imagine complaining about that?? "theyre sooo formal😩😩i just wanted to hugggg" like girl WTH 😂

this is what I mean by Moon dominant people being manipulative as hell. that anon literally said my trauma has made me biased against Moon dominants and that's why i'm misogynistic to Meghan Markle. you dont have to be an FBI expert to see how fcked up of a thing that is tell someone ???? if I criticize Meghan its bc IM misogynistic and traumatized?? I bet my money that the anon was also Moon dominant,, what kind of asshole do you have to be to spin things around like that ,,, yuck,,,

[necroangelz]

Im watching a documentary about celts and white people and white power and Europe and Finnic people and Scandinavian people and The Roman Empire and white people feeling real nazistic now anyway sends all the emojis of the emoji game -🎀

Sana Tamaan Ka Ng Kidlat Ni Bathala

haha anyway wow 🎀 anon that sounds like a very educational documentary. did that inspire uu with any nazi feelings?

『 💉 』

a kin memory

as sunny omori, i was genderfluid afab, probably on the aroace spectrum, and used any pronouns. mari's full name was Marianne. can't remember my first name, i just know that sunny was a nickname that literally everyone used so it became a substitute for my actual name

mari and i were filipino-chinese (+american), kel and hero were south american, Aubrey was filipino-american, basil was just north american. faraway town had a lot of poc

『 🎀 』

a name/prn/title/label i hoard

I'm super drawn to anything related to stories :P

『 💊 』

5 min edit of a random character

yk uur talented when uur 5 minute edits still look good as hell /J

i love the "unmotivated" frame sm i wanna use it in an actual edit someday....

"angel stop editing NSO" NO!!

『 💌 』

a quote/song lyric

" i have nothing to complain about. i may not be perfect to you, but I'm plenty good enough to myself. "

" ... now i understand. i wanted everyone to love me. i sought for so much. to know everything when i had everything. but i never tried to find out what i truly wanted... and i can't have it anymore. ah, i could have turned back any time, but now it's all gone because of me ! "

dialogue from the houseki no kuni/land of the lustrous manga. can't remember which chapter but it's near the end. i won't talk about the context much in case i spoil someone but i really really really truly super duper resonate with this dialogue 🙃🙃

『 🫀 』

a game i played

today's game is... va-11 hall-a: cyberpunk bartender action! also known as waifu bartending and the true lesbian experience

time to mix drinks and change lives.

i first learned about it when my friend told me it was the type of game i would like. i looked it up and, wow he wasn't wrong. it really did look like something I'd be into. so when the steam spring sale rolled around a few days or a week ago i bought it!

honestly the title is very direct with what the game is about. you play as Jill, a bartender in va-11 hall-a (referred to simply as Valhalla) in a technologically advanced world and a corrupt city. you serve drinks to your clients, have long conversations with them where stuff about the characters and world is revealed, and tolerate their weirdness. the game is visual novel heavy and focuses a lot on the talking, which is fine with me! i like the combination of lots and lots of dialogue and casual gameplay where uu still kind of need to use uur brain

there's a lot of cute girls in the game (re: waifu bartending and the true lesbian experience)

to the left is Dorothy, a lilim robot (basically an advancedsex robot. her product line in particular is modeled to be on the younger side physically) she's really sweet and bubbly and she has a kind personality. to the right is Dana, Jill's boss. i don't know much about Dana yet but a lot of mystery surrounds her. a lot of characters say she's very strong and there's lots of rumors about how she got her prosthetic arm (a lot of rumors may have been started by her.) also Jill's wallpaper is of herself and Dana together and she apparently has lots of photos of Dana in her gallery. i hope i can see them get together

i find the GUI very satisfying. there's also a home segment where uu sit at home with Jill's cat, fore, and browse Jill's phone. uu can also buy stuff. Jill gets distracted very easily so sometimes uu have to buy things from the online store so Jill would be less distracted at work (SO REAL she's the most accurate representation of ADHD lesbians ever)

since it takes place in a cyberpunk setting there's some political shit going on, the city they live in is a really Bad city with lots of crime and injustice, and the organization "white knights" (basically the cops but stronger and more organized) are known to be power hungry and use their power unfairly for the wrong reasons. also the prime minister seems a bit incompetent? there's also something about a hacker called Alice rabbit... but also at the start of the game, Jill had this weird dream about a girl and occasionally the girl appears on the bar's tv for a split second...... yeah there's a lot going on here

anyways i find the game really fun and i hope to play it more when i have more free time! im still super early in the game . i don't have a singular favorite character yet bc I'm still at the beginning so idk much about them yet and they all look cool to me!!

『 🪽 』

infodump about an oc

OKAY, SO! the oc i will discuss here is connected to nyxa, an oc i discussed here but reading that infodump isn't necessary to understand this one (not like anyone reads these anyway /lh)

remmeber when i said that, as far as nyxa knows she's the only surviving member of her family after they all killed each other?? WELL! that's wrong she's not the only survivor. her older sister survived as well!

this is Amos faust! (or fraust... i spelled her last name differently sometimes) although Amos isn't really her real name, it's just an alias that she always goes by. shes the head of a detective agency! (in my phoebe and nyxa infodump i mention that nyxa becomes a head of a detective agency when she's an adult. she takes over amos' agency)

her backstory is she studied in cloud tower but in her 3rd year she dropped out and disappeared. no one came looking for her because.. no one really knew her, yk? she was quiet, mysterious, she avoided everyone and everyone avoided her. eventually after leaving cloud tower she began a personal investigation where she hunted down a specific person/group that had something to do with her family's demise (like an enemy of the family) and it led her to a detective agency. she concluded that her target was the director. so she entered the agency, climbed the ranks,became trusted and known within the agency, until she had the opportunity to get close enough to the director and kill them. except, she was wrong about her target, so now she had the blood of an innocent person on her hands. out of genuine guilt and regret (and also because she was emotionally attached to this agency and she figured she would have an easier time continuing her investigation within the agency) she pulled some strings and appointed herself as the new director. and she has been the director for the past ██ years.

Amos is a very eccentric person, and those who don't know her well might even regard her as scary. she arrives to strange conclusions, she comes up with strange plans, but somehow her plans always work. most of the time. the people working under her have learned not to question it. she's very skilled at fighting, spywork, reading and using people, etc. it's hard to know if any of her current personality is even true. but sometimes, one can observe that she genuinely cares for the few people who are very close to her, such as her sister nyxa and her assistant. shes also sarcastic, unafraid to speak her mind, really confident in herself and her abilities.

so how do Amos and nyxa meet again?

basically in their 3rd year at alfea, students can sign up as for different part time jobs with agencies that alfea partnered with. there's a wide range of jobs and it's meant to help the students get familiar with the work environment of the career they want to pursue in the future. yk, gain some experience, make connections, get a paycheck, etc. phoebe and nyxa try applying for many jobs but in the end they go with a detective agency. very few students applied for it so they easily get hired after they attend the orientation and pass the test, and also they think it's really cool

when they applied and worked there for a few weeks/months, the director was away on a long business trip so nyxa didn't immediately realize that her fucking sister was in the agency. and idk if she would realize it immediately either. because she hasn't seen her sister in YEARS and i like to think something separated them very early in their lives so they weren't close at all. but Amos would immediately recognize her i think

but yeah. skipping past the specifics of the situation: eventually nyxa learns the truth, she's no longer alone, she still has surviving family etc. nyxa and Amos try to rebuild a familial bond again but it's awkward bc its like.... honestly at this point in their lives they're like strangers to each other. but it's okay they take the time to get to know each other again

i like to imagine nyxa and Phoebe going on missions together with Amos as their chaperone/guardian/protector/guide ^_^

anyway yeah that's all i have to say i think