#I rely on my parents for so much
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I don’t know how I will be able to look my parents in the eye after this.
I want to know how they will be able to look in mine.
#us politics#2024 election#I rely on my parents for so much#they are the reason I am in college#if I fight them on this I genuinely believe I will be forced to drop out#conservative parents
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Idk new post bc the last lost traction, no donations in a week. We need 450 for the rest of February, 450 for a deposit, and 950 for March, 50 for the rest of the utilities. We were homeless since Aug 2020 excepting 4 different months whose places fell through for various reasons, have to get rid of the van we were living in because it's falling apart, Collie got FFS December 28th, she's recovering well and maybe could do something with a car if we had a better car, given her ability to drive. I still haven't found much work but I'm still looking. Anything helps.
paypal.me/NoraEstherRose
venmo: nora-esther-rose
venmo: Leah-Esther-Rose
#i wish i could get a loan ? i hate how little my parents have ever helped me. we rely too much on collies mom who can only do so much#we both have various disabilities we still are in the process of understanding.... i hope i get adhd meds soon. :(#we havent been able to afford better anti depressants for over a week now. i hate feeling dependent#i wish it were a prescription.... stupid world. stupid time
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South Park fans! How many things do you have in common with your favorite character(s)? I’m curious!!
#So like Tweek I struggle with anxiety#I get can very jittery/twitchy too sometimes#though not as badly as him lol#I feel like I’m never able to express myself properly and can often be misunderstood#ESPECIALLY by my parents#I’d probably describe myself as sweet/sensitive#I worry a lot about both myself and others#but I can also be very snarky 😭😭#I also tend to be insecure and need validation sometimes#and I have a very active mind#and a lack of social awareness 😭😭#KENNY on the other hand#I tend to rely on my friendships a lot#I take a lot of comfort in them and struggle with the idea of not having them around#and id probably consider myself a pretty protective person too at times#and once I’m comfortable around you I have a pretty chaotic/laidback type of personality#asides from that though I tend to stay in the background/not talk as much#south park#tweek tweak#kenny mccormick#honestly theres probably more but these are the ones I can think off of the top of my head
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The actual dialogue from Sydney in the code is "Eventually, I just wasn't allowed to come over anymore. My <<sydneyOtherParent>> said... no, nevermind. That's not important." to verify what Dolxiba said.
Me when I’m in a “Follow every word/order a trusted figure says” competition but Sydney’s competing-
#dol#dol sydney#sydney the faithful#sydney the fallen#like…. ‘my other parent said-’ WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS SYDNEY.#DO YOU REALLY THINK EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAYS IS TRUE#I’m begging for them to think for themselves with anyone influencing them#which I understand is an impossible task game play wise but I’m purely thinking writing wise#I need to figure out why they do this and rely on PC for so much. is it a reaction to their other parent dying. is it the Kylar thing.#is it the fact that in every relationship Sydney is in they are always being lead and never do the leading#*led#until they are corrupted#like what is going on with THEM#merry answers
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he literally sews his kids stupid little outfits from scratch does anyone even fucking care
#tmnt#i could talk about this for hours but it pisses me off so bad when people ON MY OWN POSTS are like ooh splinter is neglectful he suuucks#shut up you idiot everything he does is for them he would kill himself in a heartbeat for them#the fact that they even survived past infancy in their circumstances is a testament to phenomenal parenting by any realistic human standard#it's just that a) it's a show about the ninja turtles so of course they're going to have a lot of unsupervised escapades#& it's not fair to read THAT much into his absence b) they are older kids at this point & it's perfectly reasonable for a group of 13-17 y/#s to go to the grocery store without a chaperone and c) his strained relationship with his grandpa heavily informs his approach to parentin#so he thinks that smothering too much at this age will drive them away & he wants to encourage their blossoming independence as much as#possible because that's what he craved at that age#and it's so clear in every flashback that he was a constant nurturing & encouraging presence in their childhood & he misses the days when#they really relied on him hence piebald#and he WANTS to spend time with them he really does. he begged to be in their family band he has to excruciatingly hold himself back from#following them on their adventures at times but again he doesn't want to smother them at this age so he finds other outlets#remember when he bought a 20$ cup of lemonade from raph & leo because he didnt want them to be sad that they got no customers in their#Sewer lemonade stand#he loves them more than anything he's just weird and autistic about it okay. shut up. Shut the fuck up#not really relevant but his room is so baller i'd spend all my time here if this was my room. minifridge and everything
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Second request: baby todd and Jake fluff perhaps? 💖
Day 12 - Little hands, my one weakness
#My art#Requestober#Vargas#Edgar#Jake#Todd#Uncle Jake! :D#It's funny ♪ I actually asked how Jake might react to baby Todd while I was still making a bunch of those doodles#But I never actually drew anything from it! Even though it's so cute!#I did fully intend to - so I'm glad I can now! :D Thanks for the reminder haha#Jake so nervous with Just how baby this baby is haha - he's so much bigger than this little one!#It's all well and good to hold Edgar - he's an adult! As much as he wants to give him a good hug haha#But little ones are just so fragile! It's nerve-wracking ♥ It's sweet hehe 💕#Babies are built tough - he'll be asking for uppies and spins and to be thrown around before you know it lol#I do love the idea of Edgar having not only a good support system as a single(?) parent -#Being able to ask Devi and Jake for help when he needs it and raises a family as a group! It takes a village#But also of him settling into the parent role and being confident in places that others aren't#He can be quite capable but he's also often prone to being kicked while he's down haha poor lad#Seeing him confident and happy to have someone to rely on and have Jake defer to him on I just jfdlsafjd ♥💕💖#Directing his hands in return <3 They uplift each other!! It can be so sweet
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every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space
i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !
#i inserted [disabled person] because they used a fucking slur instead and i didn't want that in my post#like i feel like there should be room for disabled people like me whose lives literally entirely depend on accessing said >#> extremely limited benefits in conversations about whether voting in this election makes you complicit in genocide#which like! i do understand. i do. it's nauseating to think about what this shit ass country is doing. it's horrific. i do not blame anyone#> for not wanting to be a part of that. *and* i am also terrified for my own life because i remember the first time trump won it suddenly >#> became IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to get on benefits. EVER. and so many disabled ppl i know went to renew benefits theyd had for decades >#> just to be denied. one of whom was a below-the-neck paraplegic. he died because he lost those benefits!!! because trump won#i really do understand why people dont feel right voting for harris. or why they don't vote at all. i truly do. but holy shit i am so scare#and yes! i am aware that people in palestine and gaza are suffering so much worse. and i wish i could change that#but every single person in power in the US is pro-israel and eagerly drinking the anti-palestine kool-aid. no matter who wins >#> things will not change in that part of the world. and it is infuriating. when the revolution comes this will change. but it hasnt.#the revolution will not save me as a physically disabled person. it will not save any of us. we do not matter to leftists. i am sorry but >#> this is the one thing i have learned after being in leftist spaces for over 10 years. and posts like the one i mentioned prove it#so i am very sorry. i really am. for being physically disabled. but i cannot survive another 4 years relying on my parents for everything#if trump wins i will be killing myself. this is a promise. i cannot do that again#i know it makes me a bad person to be afraid that harris will lose. but people on the left already think i'm a bad person for being disable#i want the genocide to stop. i absolutely do. i also want to survive. i am terrified that the US leftists will sacrifice disabled people#like me so they can feel good about being put in a real life trolley situation#again. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. i wish i was a better person. i wish i was able to give more. i know that if i was just a good#person i would be able to have a job and give to every palestinian gofundme on my dash. i would be able to do more than my daily clicks >#> and reaching out and calling representatives that don't care. if i was a good person i would be able to convince my parents that z*onism>#is deeply fucking racist. and that israel is wildly racist and killing palestinians for fun. if i was a good person i would be able to make#>them leftists too. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry im not good enough. im sorry that im scared. im so scared and it's not right for me to be#when so much worse is going on because of this countrys bloodlust. im sorry that im benefiting from being born here i dont want to be#im sorry for not having any other options. if i was a good person i know i would have them. im sorry. god im sorry im so fucking sorry
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trying to get myself to study by telling myself 'if I revise this whole book then I'll let myself draw cats tomorrow!! :D' or 'if I get a good grade in this test then I will eat strawberries tomorrow :O'. thats not working though cuz even if I don't end up studying enough, I know I will still do those things. still gonna draw cats tomorrow. still gonna eat strawberries tomorrow. nothing can stop me from doing those things so why should I even try restraining myself
#mole talks#strawberries are my favourite food btw and also my safe food .. i don't talk about them here enough probably#i sort of rely on strawberries too much#if theres no strawberries at home then the rest of that week the only thought keeping me alive will be:#'at the end of the week my parents will go shopping and come home with strawberries'#and strawberries sell out pretty quickly so sometimes theres none in stock and i'll have to wait even longer to get any#very sad ;; i've found ways to cope with that though
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the wasted potential feelings are hitting SO ESPECIALLY hard tonight i need to go to sleep
#(vent tags feel free to skip)#i shouldve studied more n tried harder#i could have been so smart!#i should have played a sport in high school#it would have been so good for me n i woulda been able to say i did something#i should have gotten a job by now#im twenty years old never worked a day in my life and i rely on my parents for everything#now no job will take me cause i have nothing on my resume.#i also chose to go to college in the same hick town that i live in#i could have traveled!! but i didnt.#my youth is over forever and i have nothing to show for it#i spent my prime years playing video games and watching youtube videos#i spent them with my family who i am forever grateful for#and with all the love and support they gave me ive done absolutely nothing worthwhile#i had so much potential n ive wasted it#im just so painfully unremarkable
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"hes a boy hes GOING to act like this" shut up!!!!!
#i hate this kid so much#didnt realise acting like a decent human being relied on that#god my parents are godawful at hiding their favoritism#i GET it your sons are perfect and can do no wrong and your daughters are overdramatic and demanding JESUS
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Guess which bitch now has room on its phone for instagram for the first time in like 3 years. This is only good bc now we can post art there again.
Not that instagram is nice to artists or anything. Just that our art tumblr is so very tiny and unused. Gonna probably have to clear it out somewhat when I finally get around to posting art.
#thank fuck for our silm special interest tho#we can finally get like traction on posts#which'll mean that when our fibro flare-up finally dies down (lmao it'll be ages bc our dad is Stressing The Fuck Outta Us)#we can get commissions done again#and through those. well.#money both for clothes to make us comfortable#(which will also last for years & be the right kinda clothing for when we move overseas)#and also for savings for WHEN we move overseas#like our grandma is nice & all &'ll probably help pay for us getting housing or whatever#but i dont want to have to Rely on her inheritance from her aunt(?)#and disability benifits are dodgy at best. and we'll have to survive somehow *before* we get them through#and i kinda dont want to have to rely on the generosity of an old school friend's mum. or a 10th cousin 4 times removed (or whatever)#who might well be dead before we move to ireland#bc he's like 95 rn#and idk if he'd even let us stay at his (scarily enormous) house At All#also. idk if we'd have the money without some kinda work to get HRT when we move out. dont wanna have to be reliant on parents or the gov.#for our HRT. i doubt we could get public healthcare to cover it. not immediately at least.#and i kinda dont want to have to go back on birth control. cause progesterone or w/ever its called has feminising effects iirc#and we're not sure if we want a hysterectomy yet. so.#it'd be a choice between periods (hell) and HRT (expensive)#fuck i hate being disabled sometimes#like actually if anyone calls chronically fatigued ppl “lazy”. i fucking WISH i was lazy.#like bitch please this flare-up is making it so that NONE of my meds get rid of the pain anywhere NEAR fully#and im low-key on the Good Shit™#also so annoyed that ireland hasnt legalised weed. bc. we're almost certainly gonna be doing it for pain#and getting an *illegal* product is so much more difficult#lmao i worked out commas#—Roquén#my fingies hurt so much rn lmao#anyway gonna go draw my source drowning in blood & despair. then im gonna work out what the fuck kinda pigments caranthir would use
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Some pretty silly takes coming out of Batman fandom as to what it's like to be raised by a British person. Bruce wouldn't be unable to speak with an American accent—he's been surrounded by American accents his whole life, and he'd probably avoid drawing unwanted attention.
Much more likely he'd tell his friend at school that he had "rocket salad" for lunch and 20 years later it's the only thing that person remembers about him so they STILL tell that not-actually-funny 'story' to everyone at high society parties. At every party. Until Bruce regularly fantasises about hitting them with an actual rocket.
#clark thinks bruce is in love with his childhood friend from the immediate physiological response upon seeing him#bruce is actually about to have a hate aneurysm because Charles is going to tell the fucking arugula story again isn't he#like it's cute to think of Bruce as having an accent#but that stuff is bullied/peer pressured/unconsciously trained out of 99% of kids under the age of 12#my dad moved young enough that his accent switched to american (& switches back in England)#so I didn't have a parent with a real accent#but I had several other second generation friends (british and otherwise) whose parents had accents#and they didn't have accents either. after being raised their whole lives by people with them.#most kids rely more on their peers and local culture for reference than their adult. consciously or not.#BUT!! so many people are missing out on the other second generation stuff!#I bet he learned his spelling from Alfred#I bet Alfred tried very hard not to use slang but still used regional terms#so 8 year old Bruce would run into the kitchen and ask for a bacon butty#and Alfred would be like. only if it has vegetables in it. I can add lettuce#and then Bruce would make a face because Alfred always adds too much lettuce and not enough butter
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just so yall know. i'm moving into my college dorm in a few days ✌️
#my horrible procrastination isn't helping the current situation. i still have so much shit to do#i gotta pack all the clothes i'm gonna take and clean out my room#so my parents know what to keep and what to get rid of#there's stuff i should be transferring to my laptop too. some of my firealpaca wips#unfortunately due to reasons my computer and laptop will not have internet access for a bit#(power went out earlier and came back in every room except the one with the modem/router)#but for now i don't think there's anything i NEED to do on my computer that requires internet#so i'll just have to rely on my phone more than usual#kittay's school days#kittay.post
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#so bf left me but were still friends#and the holidays kicked my ass while i was down#and gf and i arent together#and sibling escaped an abusive marriage with a small child but is a 6hr drive away#and im trying to connect them with resources but small midwestern towns have nothing#like the one food bank that i know is in service gives 3 days of food once a month#i get it nobody has anything to give but jfc#they arent working bc of health issues but dont have ssd yet so income is literally $0#but they have a little stash from my parents - who've been abusive to them both and cant be relied on for help#and the health issues includes renal failure which idek how fast its progressing but ive been looking into live donation if it comes to that#and its just so much why is it so much#but anyways thats where ive been lmao
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so apparently my mother is feeling overwhelmed again
if i suddenly stop posting forever its bc she slipped back into imagining im what she wishes i was (able) so she can be mad at me instead of herself, and really pushed me into a corner. maybe i survived but she made me homeless. i tend to catastrophize so lets hope this is just that and it goes away
#she who chose to have children she would never be able to do right by in a country that had just done a genocide on its own citizens#that lets its people starve and struggle and is proud of that.#she who sold the only thing i might have inherited before she'd even try to find a roommate#she who sold my car and ensured my life will end in suicide rather than pay the registration or defy the HOA in any way#she gets mad at ME. can you fucking imagine. the gall#if i could go back in time to when she was pregnant with me and beat the shit out of her and kill myself i would#what fucking kind of sick ego leads people to become parents when they know nothing and dont even actually want it. i loathe her#and my father. but tbh i suspect he did want an abortion which would absolve him of a lot#on the other hand its equally likely he was too chickenshit to ever voice that desire which would indict him much further. so#im not about to ask. i want nothing to do with these people but they created me in a place that would force me to rely on them#and get mad at me for it
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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up
#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade#i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive#bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress#spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse#bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them#and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it#i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together#i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all#the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really#i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying#i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It#i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people#so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable#i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping#in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school#because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow#anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured#and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit#yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside#when you’re 16 as opposed to 25
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