#I regret everything I said to him but I’m aware that I can’t take any of that back

[rainy-dayzzzz]

Guys what if I got back into yttd again

[dimplyowl]

😩 one of the main things I see about Izzy and why he’s an innocent little lamb who has done nothing wrong is that he’s got a lot of internalized homophobia going on, as well as issues with toxic masculinity. And yeah, OFMD is all about taking those toxic societal expectations and telling them to shove themselves up their asses. And I think having a character who has those internalized feelings and who holds onto them until being proven that they’re wrong is an interesting character arc. Growth is a great thing! We love to see it!

The problem comes when people use those characteristics as excuses for any of izzys bad behaviors, as if they give him a free pass to do whatever he wants to do. But that’s not how these things work. The problem I have with Izzy’s character arc in s2 is that he doesn’t do anything to make reparations until his deathbed apology to Ed. He just kind of…continues to be there, ignoring Ed, letting the crew extend kindness to him and still not really engaging until Calypso’s Birthday.

You know who has done some really shitty things and does actually work toward making reparations? Ed. And that’s another thing I see a lot of Izzy fans say: that gb people give Ed a free pass for everything he did because of his childhood and his trauma and his self hatred and broken heart. But babes, when we talk about these issues, you’re misunderstanding why we’re talking about them. I obviously can’t speak for all Ed fans, but the majority of us aren’t listing these issues as excuses, we’re naming them as reasons for his behavior. So we can understand why he feels the way he feels and did the things he did.

I am fully aware that he did some really shitty things to people who care about him and who he cares about. I acknowledge that. I also know why he did them. And knowing why doesn’t make it okay. It helps me understand him more, and to know that he wasn’t doing them because he enjoyed them and, most importantly, that they’re things he regrets doing. That’s obvious throughout the entirety of eps4-6, in his hesitance to return to the ship, in agreeing to wear a burlap sack and allowing Lucius to push him over the ship, in taking time to actually listen to fang about his own experiences during the kraken era. It’s part of the entire reason they have a party, it’s part of turning poison into positivity. Ed doesn’t have great apology skills. His “apology” speech was definitely lacking as far as our modern standards are concerned. That’s fine. Those aren’t natural skills to have, they’re learned, and he never really had the opportunity to learn them. But you can see that he wants to, and he’s trying and he’s learning, and that’s the most important thing.

Izzy doesn’t do that shit. In season 1 he uses his position of power to bully the crew, to go against Ed’s orders (his captains orders; that’s essentially mutiny right there); he loses and turns his captain and a ship full of queer and poc to the cops; he then becomes captain and it takes less than a day for the crew to mutiny on him because he’s a fucking asshole and no one wants to work for him; and to top it all off, he tells his boss—his friend, supposedly, his depressed and already established to be suicidal friend—that he would be better off dead than be like he is.

Where are his attempts at reparation? Where does he turn around and say “yeah calling the cops on you was fucking horrible and I shouldn’t have done it” or “I shouldn’t have said those things when you were already struggling” or “I’m sorry for taking advantage of my power and using it to bully and abuse my employees and another captain’s crew.”? He doesn’t do any of that. He doesn’t even try.

Internalized homophobia doesn’t make intimidating your gay subordinate or calling your friend a “namby pamby in a silk dressing gown” okay. Toxic masculinity doesn’t make repeatedly insulting someone for having traditionally feminine traits and interests okay. Doing those kinds of things can never be okay. But recognizing these as faults and actively working to improve yourself and grow and apologize to the people you’ve hurt and try to make things better does make it more likely for the people who care about you to forgive you.

[baronessblixen]

Fictober Day 25: A House Is Not A Home (And A Dinner Is Not A Date)

Prompt: "It consumes me"

For the anon who sent this: Can you write a fic where an IT billionaire falls in love with Scully and pursues her, while Mulder gets very jealous - oh, and they're already dating, but still in secret. Rating: T, wc: 1,713

Tagging @today-in-fic @xffictober24

Over the past few years, he’s learned many things in therapy. One thing is to be honest with his emotions and not bottle them up and send them out into the world as a joke.

Right now, it proves to be difficult. How is he supposed to stay serious and true to his emotions when this 30-something guy with the whitest teeth Mulder has ever seen, is hitting on Scully?

“This was one of my prototypes,” the young man explains. Mulder knows he has a name. It’s Chad or something similar. Mulder doubts that Chad-or-whatever has caught his name, seeing how he only has eyes for Scully.

“Staying in this house was an experience.” Mulder glances over at Scully. Why is she indulging Chad-or-whatever? She’s smiling at the younger man. Oh. Oh, no. This man-child could be their son. Well, not quiet. Almost.

He’s seen Scully flirt plenty of times over the last 25 years – sometimes successfully and sometimes less so. Hell, he’s helped her out once. Too bad that the guy turned out to be a vampire. A fact Scully does not like to be reminded of.

“I cannot tell you how sorry I am,” Chad-or-whatever explains. “Let me make it up to you. I have another unit. Bigger, better, brighter. It’s yours. Rent-free for the rest of the year, of course.”

“It’s fine, Mr.-”

“Chad. Please call me Chad.” His grin is so blinding that Mulder has to look away.

“It’s fine, Chad. I do have a place to stay.” He wants to shove it in Chad’s face that Scully is staying with him. In their house. They’re sharing a bed. Something this guy can only dream about. The way he’s looking at Scully, he’s doing exactly that right this second.

“Then you must let me take you to dinner,” Chad insists, taking Scully’s hands into his. Mulder searches Scully’s face for discomfort, but can’t find any. He’s expecting her to politely decline any moment now. He’s waiting, and waiting, and waiting. It takes her a good ten seconds to answer – one second longer and Mulder would have done it for her.

“I’d like that, Chad.”

“You won’t regret it,” the younger man says, and Mulder stares at him with narrow eyes. “I’ll text you later. I have your number.” How much can a grown man grin? Mulder balls his fists, knowing he can neither say nor do anything. It’s not his place.

“Looking forward to it,” Scully says much to Mulder’s horror and Chad winks at her before he jogs off.

“Looking forward to it?” Mulder repeats, leaning his face close to hers, wondering what he’s missed.

“He’s sweet.”

“Sweet.”

“Are you parroting everything I say now? Yes, he’s sweet. It’s just dinner, Mulder. He’s sorry my house burned down.”

“Um, no, Scully. It’s not just dinner. That guy was hitting on you.”

“I could be his mother, Mulder. He wasn’t hitting on me.” But he sees doubt creep into her expression. “Was he?” Mulder nods at her. They went through this last year with Tad. Except back then, she was aware of what Tad was doing. And back then, she hadn’t been entirely uninterested. She admitted as much to him one night, not too long ago.

It was right after her house blew up and she moved back into their home. She said that she couldn’t in all honesty start being with Mulder again if she wasn’t honest. So she confessed about Tad. Mulder, on the other hand, had nothing to confess. No other women whatsoever. He had tried to hit the apps once and given up. It was Scully or nothing for him.

“It’s just dinner,” she says, shaking her head. “Mulder, he’s rich. He made a fortune with these smart homes. He just wants to make sure I won’t badmouth them.”

“So you’re going on a date with him?”

“It’s dinner,” she reminds him.

“Dinner, date, whatever. You’re going.”

“Yes, I’m going. You're not jealous, are you?"

"Me?" he asks in mock surprise, pointing at his chest. "Why would I be jealous if it's just dinner?"

But of course, he's lying.

*

She can’t believe Mulder was right. She and Chad are at an upscale restaurant where a meal costs as much as her monthly rent. He picked her up in a limo and brought her roses. That should have been her first clue. Mulder had looked miserable standing on the porch, watching her leave. As though she wasn’t planning on returning. Now she understands why.

“Dana, I cannot hold it in any longer.” In the dim light, his teeth look comically white, and his eyes are like molten chocolate pools. There are no blemishes on his skin and it hits her how impossibly young he still is. She knows a little bit about him; most importantly, she knows that he’s rich. Really, really rich. A billionaire, if the magazine she read is to be believed. Judging by his clothes, and his attitude, she has no reason to doubt it.

“Hide what?” Her whisper is not deliberate. The restaurant is quiet; a perfect atmosphere for two young lovers making their first moves.

“My feelings for you,” Chad says, smiling. “My love for you. It consumes me.”

“Chad, you don’t even know me.”

“You’re mistaken, Dana. I do know you. The moment I met you, I knew.” His smile is disarming. He isn’t a Philip Padgett, or a Donny Pfaster. He’s just a young, lonely man who’s mistaking his feelings for something they aren’t.

“Chad-”

“You said you’re single.” A mishap of her own making. She and Mulder have been back together for all of three months and she isn’t ready to let anyone else know. She knows that Mulder would like to scream it from the rooftops. He’s been the perfect gentleman, keeping his distance – as much as he can – and pretending to only be her work partner. It has worked so well that she’s ended up on a date with a man almost half her age.

She still can’t believe Mulder was right.

“I’m not… exactly single. It’s just very new and we’re keeping a low profile.” She can see the disappointment on Chad’s face, making him look even younger—almost like a little boy. His hand slips from hers, and he starts fiddling with his napkin instead.

“I should have known,” he says. “A woman like you. It was too good to be true.”

“Chad, there’s someone out there for you.”

“I thought it was you.”

He stares down at his plate and out of the corner of her eye, Scully spots a waitress, watching them closely. The expression on the other woman’s face is oddly familiar to her. Longing. Scully isn’t the first woman Chad has brought here and obviously, none of them have worked out. Maybe, Scully thinks, observing the waitress, he’s looking in all the wrong places.

“Excuse me a moment,” she says to Chad and he nods, not looking up.

“The restroom is this way,” the young waitress informs her when Scully walks toward her.

“I know. That’s not – you probably saw all that, right?”

“I’m not supposed to see things here, Ma’am.”

“I see the way you look at him,” Scully says softly. “I once looked at a man the very same way and I will go home to him now. Why don’t you keep him company?”

“I’m not supposed to… I couldn’t…”

“Sometimes we can bend the rules,” Scully says to her and the younger woman gives her a shy smile. She nods and takes a deep breath before she walks over to the table. Scully watches for a moment and is convinced that she sees a spark in Chad’s eyes. Before the man can spot and miss her, she disappears.

*

Imagining Scully on a date with another man while they were broken up is one thing. Waiting for her to return from a date while they’re living in the same house is torture. It’s shortly before 9 p.m. when he hears the tell-tale sound of the key in the door. His heart is doing somersaults. Returning home early has to be a good sign, right?

“Hey you,” Scully says, throwing her purse into a corner before she plops down next to him on the couch. She smells like roses and vanilla. A primitive part of him is trying to detect a whiff of competition. There is none.

“Hey.” He gives himself 15 seconds. If she doesn’t start talking until then, he’ll ask.

“You’re not going to ask how it was?” She turns to him. She’s gone for minimal make-up today and he spots her freckles peeping through. That alone makes him smile.

“Didn’t want to pressure you. How was it?”

“You were right.”

“Oh, you know what gets me going, Scully. How was I right?”

“Chad. He was hitting on me. He was interested in more than just dinner.”

“And?” He trusts Scully implicitly. There’s no doubt in his mind that she loves him. She wouldn’t have come back if she didn’t. That doesn’t mean he trusts Chad.

“I told him that I’m not available.”

“So Chad’s the first to know about us? Did not see that coming.”

“He said he loves me,” Scully says, shaking her head in disbelief. “He’s only just met me.”

“Hmm, I get it,” Mulder says, nuzzling her neck. He’s not staking his territory, but maybe he is. Just a little bit. “I was infatuated with you right from the start.”

“You were not.”

“Oh, but I was.”

“That’s funny,” she says, kissing him. “Cause I had a crush on you, too.”

“What about now? Do you still have a crush?” Another kiss, this time longer and with more tongue.

“More than a crush,” she murmurs into his mouth, and together they make their way upstairs. In the morning, Mulder will admit that he was jealous. Just a little bit. And Scully will raise her eyebrow, but smile and remind him that he has nothing to worry about. Ever.

That’s confirmed when a month later they get an invitation to Chad’s wedding.

“That guy moves fast,” Mulder says. “I wonder who she is.”

“Oh, I know who she is,” Scully says, grinning triumphantly, recognizing the waitress she saw in the restaurant that night.

[ashriverr]

You’re sitting on a couch, a glass of human world wine Barbatos ordered in your hand. The New Year’s party continues to be lively in the ballroom of Diavolo’s castle and you close your eyes, basking in the calm and quiet of the empty lounge. A fire is crackling in the fireplace in front of you. You slip into your thoughts and don’t notice the door open and close.

“It’s a wonder how you managed to slip away from my brothers unnoticed,” a voice like silk speaks from behind you. You open your eyes to see Lucifer make his way over to the couch and sit next to you. “Is everything alright?”

You ignore the fluttering in your stomach at his proximity and respond with a gentle smile, “A bit overwhelmed is all. A little more quiet time and I’ll be good to go.” You’re fully looking at Lucifer now, his eyes sparkling and his face glowing from the flames of the fire. You think about resting your head on his shoulder but refrain from doing so. Instead, you take a long sip of the alcohol.

“I’m afraid if you wait any longer, you’ll miss the true celebration.” You raise an eyebrow. “It’ll be midnight in two minutes.”

“Oh.” You bite your lip. You would love to be out there celebrating with the others when the clock chimes and announces the changing of a year, but your battery hasn’t filled up quite enough for the chaos that’d be sure to ensue. Besides, a part of you relishes the idea of celebrating with only Lucifer as selfish as it sounds. “That’s alright.” A silence falls over the both of you and you shift until you’re facing Lucifer. “So, Mr. Perfect,” he frowns at the nickname and you grin, “everyone always has some sort of resolution for the next year, but that’s lame. Got any regrets from this year?”

You can hear the party grow in volume and you hope your question will get the demon to stay with you. You even think, for a fleeting moment, how nice it would be if you two could share a kiss to start off the new year. Perhaps that sort of luck could stretch throughout the rest of the year. It’s a big wish for sure, but it could happen. Asmo always complains about how much attention Lucifer seems to give you compared to the others, but you always brush it off as it being his duty to make sure you’re having a good time in the Devildom for the sake of Diavolo. But maybe, just maybe, that attention means something else, something more.

Lucifer studies your face and you find yourself staring at his lips for far too long. Maybe you shouldn’t finish your drink. You can’t even remember how many glasses you’ve had already. Your gaze eventually moves to meet his as he answers. “Perhaps.” There’s a playful glint in his eyes and his lips are turned upwards in a smirk. You place your wine on the coffee table. He does the same and you rest your arm on the back of the couch and lean your head against your closed fist. Matching his energy, you say, “Oh really?” You have regrets? I feel like I should be reporting this to a news station.”

Lucifer laughs and your heart feels as if it’s going to explode. His laugh is low and solid, like it came straight from deep in his chest. It doesn’t last very long, your joke wasn’t even that funny in the first place, but it still electrifies you nevertheless. You find yourself laughing with him and before you know it, you have both leaned towards each other. You can feel that you’re tipsy, but your mind is still clear enough to make decisions and remember things. You know Lucifer is fine as well, but you can see a tinge of red dusting his cheeks, red that only shows up when he’s starting to drink a bit more demonus than he should be, but a light enough red that he’s still very much aware of his actions.

The party outside begins to countdown in sync and the two of you get lost in each other’s eyes.

10

“Would you really like to know?” Lucifer asks.

9

“You don’t have to tell me, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious.” You move your head off your hand and put it in your lap.

8

“I’ve always liked that about you. Your curiosity,” he begins.

7

“Though it does seem to always get you in trouble.”

6

You laugh lightly, confused at what he’s getting at. “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

5

Lucifer’s eyes drop to your lips. And your body heats up.

4

“You wondered what my regret was this year, yes?”

3

“Uh-huh,” you reply, slowly. Your heart feels like it’s going to break free from your chest.

2

Lucifer’s hand cups your cheek and you notice that it’s gloveless. You feel yourself getting drunk off his presence. His natural scent mixed with the sweet smell of demonus overflows your nostrils and his warm hand slowly and gently pulls you closer towards him, his thumb brushing your cheek. His eyes are lidded and begin to close as he leans in and you follow.

1

The ballroom erupts in cheers as the clock strikes midnight. Lucifer whispers, his lips nearly touching yours, just loud enough for you to hear.

“I regret not kissing you sooner.” Your lips meet and you feel as if you’re flying in a sky full of stars.

His soft lips slot against yours perfectly and your hands slide up his chest until they’re resting on both of his cheeks as you eagerly return the kiss. Everything around you fades and you can only focus on the feeling of his lips against yours and his hand sliding to the back of your neck.

Eventually, you two part and rest your foreheads against each other.

“Happy New Year, Lucifer,” you breathe. Not even a second later, his lips are back on yours and you cannot wait for what the rest of the year has to offer.

[return-to-twisted-wonderland]

🔆anon

Canis wasn’t supposed to be up right now. He was well aware, but his body made sure no doubt would be left. He should be in bed right now because apparently if he’s in the wrong place at the wrong time, he ends up in the middle of an overblot fight.

He just had to make friends with Heartstopper and Bluey over there in Heartslabyul. He just had to listen to them complain about their dorm head. He just had to join them when they went to challenge him “for their safety”.

Does Canis regret what he did? No, not really.

Does it hurt as he bumbles his way to Ramshackle to make sure his other friend Grimstone has food? Absolutely.

He opened the door and it only took one second for the screaming cat appear in front of him, swiping at the bag he brought. “It’s been the whole day! I was starving.” Grim sniffed the air. “And what’s that smell? Smells like you brought something extra good.”

Canis pushed past Grimstone as he tried his best to close the busted door. He went to sit down on the dilapidated couch before taking out some tuna. “Relax. I had a lot happen today. And I just brought you usual stuff.” He opened the can, and was assaulted by the horrid smelling fish. “I still don’t know how you can stand this.”

Grim dumped the can of tuna in his mouth, not even swallowing before he stared talking. “Mu-uph. U gof somfing good. I shmell it.”

“I can’t understand you if you talk and eat.”

Grim gave a hard swallow to everything in his mouth. Canis was genuinely shocked he didn’t choke or something. Then again, is Grimstone even capable of that? “I said you’re lying. Cause I know you got something good. I can smell it.” Without asking for permission, he went to dig through the inside of Canis’s blazer.

“Hey! Stop that! I went through a lot, I’m not in the mood for games, Grimstone.” He pulled out the cat only to notice a black stone in Grim’s paw. Is that what he meant? That was a stone he just picked up after the fight with Red Rose. He thought it was cool and picked it up, but shoved it in his pocket without thinking when someone came over to him. There wasn’t any smell on it though.

“See! I knew you had something!”

“That’s just a rock. Does stone eat stone or something, Grimstone?”

“If it’s just a rock, why does it smell so good? It smells like a bunch of flowers and cakes and stuff.” Grim shoved the stone in his mouth. “Tasts lyk it too.”

“That’s a rock! Spit it out!” Canis tried to pry open Grimstone’s jaws but it didn’t work. The stone ended up swallowed.

“You seriously bought some good candy and wanted to keep it to yourself by calling it a rock?”

“You know what?” Canis took a deep breath. “I’ve had enough today. I’m just going to sit here in silence for a bit. You have the bag of food. It’s got some sandwiches and water and stuff left. Get whatever you want. I’m just going to close my eyes.” He closed his eyes to the sound of Grim shuffling through the bag, and the world started to fade as he drifted off to sleep.

Oh jeez

Grimmy please, stop eating the rocks.

[traineecryptid]

NPSS Weibo Q&A (20240831) Part 5

This is a Q&A session held on Weibo. People will tag their questions with the hashtag #南派三叔藏海花在线答疑# (#NPSS Zang Hai Hua Online Q&A#) and NPSS will look through the tag to pick some to answer. The event started at 1500 hours on 2024 August 31st.

Folder with screenshots and big compilation google doc is here. Part 1 is here. Part 2 is here. Part 3 is here. Part 4 is here.

1634

Q: Sanshu! I really need to know this, does Xiaoge shave?

A: Don’t you think it’s a little weird if he doesn’t shave?

1635

Q: Shu, why did writing ZHH affect your mental state like never before? (But this is also the time where everyone thought that your writing was in top condition.)

A: It’s the emotions and scenes. If I can’t write out the scenes, at most I’ll have a headache. But I have to sacrifice myself for the emotions.

1637

Q: Shu! I want to know if Yucun Wu Xie returned to the “Dragon’s Backbone, come quickly” moment in the beginning, what would he do?

A: He has to go. Else, he’ll lose even more.

1638

Q: Can the Scorpion Team be reassembled in the later episodes?

A: Scorpion Team is in the story after this.

1639

Q: Sanshu, will Haixing grow up to become a very powerful adult in the future?

A: She will. But she will also have her own worries.

1643

Q: You seem to understand fengshui very well.

A: I knew how to write it the most when I didn’t understand it. But after understanding it, I dare not write it anymore. I’m afraid that writing it will disturb the dragon’s veins.

1643

Q: Shu, at the moment when Wu Xie knew about Xiaoge’s backstory, if Xiaoge was right in front of him, what would he say to Xiaoge? What would Pangzi say?

A: Buy wine. Wine. Wine. Drink some, drink some. Pangzi, is there food in the fridge? Go take a look.

1647

Q: Is Wu Xie satisfied with his current condition? Does he have any regrets?

A: Do you know that once a person is satisfied with their condition, they would start to be afraid and collapse from the nice things. Little satisfaction is greater than big completion. Never ever live in a condition where you’re satisfied with yourself. Because after that, it’ll be the pain of losing everything.

1650

Q: Shu, Xiaoge had obviously saved them. How did you come up with Zhang Jiuri and Zhang Nian’s turning point where they hate Xiaoge?

A: Keep watching. That’s key.

1658

Q: What do you think about the saying “even if it sucked, at least a Heavenly Palace”? Do you plan on remaking Heavenly Palace?

A: Yes!

1658

Q: Xie Yuchen wanted some shares of the eye disease research. Will Hei Xiazi’s eye disease get better?

A: The more patents he gathers, maybe there will be a chance to get better.

1829

#NPSS Zang Hai Hua Online Q&A# Let me say this to everyone. There are a lot of you who don’t allow comments or only restrict comments to your followers yet you keep @-ing me nonstop. I don’t know what this means. I’m really— I wrote a long reply but then I can’t post it. It’s really maddening.

1831

Q: (T/N: original question was deleted but according to the comments…) Didn’t you say that you’ll keep answering questions? Where did you go? A: I went to take my food delivery.

1840

Q: Last year you said that Wu Xie smelled like peaches. So, what does Menyouping smell like?

A: The scent of distant mountains brought by the wind.

1841

Q: Shu, don’t the Iron Triangle’s Pangzi deserve a trophy for his awareness? Something like “The spiritual middleman who touched everyone’s hearts in the DMBJ universe.

A: Once you understand Pangzi’s importance,  you’ll understand a very important part of this story.

75 questions (or well 75 posts now!) I'm really sleepy today so pardon the mess of the grammar and what not. But I will do a double update today.

[ejzah]

Collateral Damage, Part 2

***

“Kensi’s pregnant?”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Oh my god, that’s why she was sick for two weeks.”

A sharp whistle cut through all the chatter and jarred Deeks enough for him to realize Sam was walking towards him, blocking out everything else.

“Everybody shut up for a minute,” Sam said. Gripping Deeks’ shoulder, he dipped his head, giving the illusion that it was just the two of them. Deeks focused on the tight, almost painful pressure of Sam’s fingers. “Deeks, can you hear me?”

Deeks nodded sharply, purposely drawing in a long breath.

“Good. Now are you sure about Kensi being pregnant?”

“Yeah. She’s 13 weeks,” Deeks answered, his chest squeezing so tight he thought he might pass out.

“Hey, steady Deeks, it’s going to ok,” Sam said, centering Deeks with a palm in the center of his chest. Glancing over his shoulder at the rest of the team that Deeks only just now noticed were still watching. “C’mon, let’s go take a breather. You guys get everything together. We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Deeks numbly followed Sam to the locker room, barely aware of anything around him. In the back of his mind, he knew he needed to rescue Kensi, but overwhelming panic made focusing on anything impossible. Kensi, their children, could be dead right now.

“Hey, Deeks, breathe!” Sam ordered him as he carefully shoved Deeks down onto a bench.

“I—I can’t,” he stuttered out between ragged breaths that did nothing to stop his fuzzy vision or shaking hands.

“Yes, you can. Focus on me, Deeks.”

Deeks looked into Sam’s eyes, forcing himself to study the way his pupils almost blended into his irises.

“That’s good, Deeks. Now breathe with me.”

After an unknown amount of time, Deeks felt his heart rate start to slow, and the tightness in his chest eased.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m terrified, Sam. I feel like I’m about to lose everything.”

“That’s understandable,” Sam assured him. “This is scary.”

“If anything happens—this pregnancy is everything to both of us, but for Kensi. I don’t know what she would do,” Deeks whispered. “This can’t be happening.”

“We aren’t going to let anything happen to them. In order to do that—and I’m probably going to regret saying this—I need angry Deeks to come out to play. Because as destructive as you can be when you’re angry, you get things done. And Kensi and your baby need you right that from you right now.”

“Twins.”

“What?” Sam asked, thrown off by the single word. At any other time, Deeks would have been pleased to shock Sam Hanna.

“We’re having twins,” Deeks repeated slightly more loudly. He laughed weakly. “Not exactly how we planned on telling everyone.” Tilting his head back, he swallowed against his teeth. “I need them back, Sam.”

“We’re going to do everything in our power to make that happen,” Sam told him. “And you’re going to be right there with us.

***

A/N: I hope this was satisfyingly angsty and emotionally whumpy.

[ghxstlly]

Semicolon

586 words, Attorney AU

TW: Non-violent suicide attempt

Occurs roughly 1 month after Ego Death

—

Ira,

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this. I know you said you wanted me out of your life, so when/if this reaches you and you don’t want to read it, that’s okay.

I’m not exactly sure what’s going to happen after tonight— it’s not something I can plan for, but I think I can safely say that you won’t be hearing from me again. I think that makes this a pretty good time to clear the air.

Meeting you was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. 

We were a disaster waiting to happen. I should have known better. I should have listened to my instincts. I don’t know why I didn’t— that wasn’t like me at all. I guess I wanted you bad enough to try and be something I’m not.

I just had no idea it could hurt so bad. It isn’t at all like people say, or how it looks in movies or books. It isn’t beautiful, or sweet. It is raw and ugly and awful, like being eaten from the inside.

Is that how it’s supposed to feel? Or did I do it all wrong? Maybe I was never meant to feel this way about someone. Maybe I'm not strong enough for it. I guess I’ll never know.

But despite all that, something I realized in the time since we last spoke is that I would gladly do it all over again if I could, even knowing how it ends.

I don’t regret knowing you. Not even a little.

You have the most integrity of anyone I've ever met. You’re fierce. You’re brave. You’re everything I’m not.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone strong like you, someone you can trust. Someone who won’t let you down. I wish it could have been me.

And even though I know I was stupid for feeling the way I did about you, I think I’d be more stupid not to. I love you, and I miss you, and I hope that someday you might miss me too, even if just a little bit.

I’m aware that sounds kind of pathetic, but I suppose there isn’t any point in being anything other than honest right now.

That’s all. Thank you for being a part of my life.

I’m sorry I had to complicate things.

—Freddie

—

In his trembling hands, a small mound of white pills sat like pearls. He looked at them for a long time, counting them, thinking about nothing.

He brought them to his mouth, paused, wavered, and drew away. 

It’s not going to hurt. There’s nothing to be scared of.

Taking a deep breath, he lifted his eyes.

In front of him, a blanket of sticky notes hid his reflection, crowding the mirror, the bathroom wall, the medicine cabinet, their messages scribbled in shaky blue pen, desperate, fearful.

You'll get through this.

Everything will be okay.

One step at a time.

Though they begged and pleaded, they could not reach him where he was, now, suspended in a moment of eerie calmness, of detachment, and soon the pills were back against his lips, but they would not pass. 

He gagged. He choked. His mouth refused them, again and again and again.

No matter how many times he tried, he could not swallow them. A terrible, frustrated sob tore from his throat, his vision blurring with tears.

He felt his lips moving, saying, I can’t, I can’t, but he couldn’t even hear his own voice.

[the-amber-raven]

Snippet Sunday

It's just past midnight here, so it is technically Sunday... and when I wake up it will be all about NYE and I have no faith that I'll have time to post so doing it before bed! It's been a hell of a crazy and kind of awful few weeks quite frankly, but I'm proud of myself for completing the first chapter of the 6b fic before the end of year.

I haven't done one in a while, so have a slightly longer snippet where Bobby gets some initial inklings that Buck is perhaps more involved in the Diaz family than he realised:

--

“Are you sure you don’t want to make yourself one, Buckaroo? There really is a perfectly good room for you to stay in.” 

“Bobby said he’d make blueberry pancakes for breakfast,” Harry added enthusiastically. “And I’m working on getting him to do his mac and cheese for dinner!” 

“That does sound amazing, but I need to pick Christopher up from his party tonight so I definitely can’t,” Buck said apologetically. He was genuinely regretful, because the idea of waking up to Bobby’s pancakes and then maybe helping him bake mac and cheese while Athena and Harry hovered near them as they caught up and unpacked Harry’s things was a pretty amazing fantasy that he would have enjoyed indulging in. 

“Christopher?” Bobby said sharply, startled and concerned. “Is everything alright with Eddie?” 

“Of course,” Buck replied, mystified as to what had made Bobby jump to that conclusion. “Eddie dropped him off, I just offered to do the pick-up."

"Eddie didn't feel comfortable driving at night...?" Bobby probed, mouth pressed together in worry. There was a brief period, right after his breakdown, where Eddie had avoided driving at night since he was anxious about potentially getting triggered by something so Buck supposed he could understand where Bobby's worry was coming from.

"No, nothing like that. It just didn't seem like there was much point in him going when I was planning to crash at Eddie's anyway."

Bobby didn't look any less concerned, so Buck expanded his explanation.

"I promised Chris that we could plan out our next zoo visit tomorrow. They’re offering koala photos at the moment plus there’s some new baby gibbons so we need to make some sacrifices and adjust our usual schedule.” 

Bobby opened his mouth, probably to ask for more detail because he now looked puzzled. 

However, Harry jumped in first, his eyes wide with wonder. “As in you can take a photo with a koala?”  

“You can take one holding a koala if you want.” Buck pulled out his phone, handing it over to Harry once he found the screenshot that he’d sent to Eddie which explained the experience and showed a sample photo. He angled it so that Bobby could also see the phone, wondering if maybe Bobby hadn’t been aware that the LA zoo had Australian native animals and that was why he was confused? 

--

Hope y'all have a Happy and Safe New Year's Eve! And may the muse be stronger than ever in 2024 ;)

[abbatoirablaze]

Deal With The Devil, Chapter 2

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: slight angst, manipulation, using a sibling as a bartering chip, dubcon engagement

“We’ve got to find a way to make sure Barton, Romanoff, and Belova stay in their place.”

Steve nodded along with everything Sam was saying, “I know…I’ve got something in the works, but I can’t show my hand just yet.  I don’t want them involved in it.  Last thing I need is for any of them to catch wind and try to get the drop on me.”

“Well, what is it?”

 “Something that could really put the odds in our favor, Sam.  It’s why I called Buck earlier and told him to get back here.”

“That meeting was too close for comfort, Steve,” he reminded his long-time friend, and boss, “you saw how they just trounced in like they owned the place.  The three of them joined up and their territory is nearly as big as yours.  I understand that you have Brooklyn, but they have Queens.  Now, I know that to the west of us, Stark has Manhattan, and he’s chummy with Parker, who has the Bronx.  And you know Thor won’t take Romanoff’s side.  He can’t stand her.  But he’s friends with Clint…so who knows…”

“Odinson is too stuck up to side with anyone.  He’ll keep Staten Island to himself.”

“I think our play is getting in with Stark and Parker,” Sam reminded his friend, “they aren’t looking to combine, but they could be allies.  The three of us would be able to keep Barton, Belova, and Romanoff out of the way.”

“The boroughs have their families…no one will combine, Sam…you’re right on that.  None of us are going to be willing to give up our power.  Or our land.  Not when our families have fought so long for it in the first place.”

“We need to meet with them…”

“I’m way ahead of you,” Steve reminded Sam, “Like I said, Wilson.  We have to leave for our meeting in a few minutes.  Buck won’t be back in time.  Leave a note for him about setting up the club for tonight.  We won’t be back before open.  Then have him set up to scope out the three stooges.”

“Got it, boss.”  

Tony scoffed as he looked at Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson, “you know…you’re down a man on your entourage, Rogers.  Got a little weakness in your ranks?”

Steve frowned, suddenly regretting letting Bucky have the time to scope out what Barton, Belova, and Romanoff were getting up to in Queens. 

“Recon!” he said simply, not wanting to give Tony too much information about his own operations, but wanting him to know that one of his best friends wasn’t a weak link in his business, “are we going to talk business, or are you going to just keep me standing at your door all day?  I’m a busy man just like you are…but I made time to come to you, Stark.”

Tony smiled suddenly, gesturing for Steve and Sam to come in and sit in his boardroom, “I was wondering when you’d come by, Rogers.  Belova, Barton, and Romanoff already tried to get me to side with them…but I’m not keen on the idea of combining boroughs or letting go of any of my territory.”

“Nor am I.”

“Only one who’s territory I wouldn’t mind sharing is with Parker…but you know that,” he shrugged, “our families have been friends forever.  I married his cousin, Pepper, so we’re practically family.”

“I’m aware…”

Tony’s smirk widened as he went over to the bar that lined one of the walls.  Reaching up he grabbed a rocks glass, and a crystal decanter, pouring some amber liquid into it, “so then, Rogers…tell me why you’ve stopped by…you’re being awfully short on words, which is quite uncharacteristic for you. And some would even say that you are coming across a little secretive.  You wanted to talk business, so let’s talk.”

“We could be allies…”

“I have an ally in Peter.  Together our territories are bigger than the rest of yours; even if you did side with those trio of stooges and Odinson.  And we’re plenty strong on our own.  If you’re trying to ask for protection, this isn’t the way to go about it, Rogers.  You’ve come without giving me anything.  So try again.”

“I’m not asking you for protection, Tony.” Steve growled, “and I’m not going to sit and grovel just so I can become besties with you and Parker.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to, Steve.” Tony replied, “you’re far too headstrong for that.  And anyways, I know that you don’t really need an alliance.  You’re not looking to start any problems with anyone else, now are you?”

Sam stared between the two men.  The tension in both of their voices did nothing to ease the situation that everyone was aware of. 

“Your sister…” Sam said simply, showing the hand Steve had hoped to keep closer to his vest, “we know that she’s of age.  She has been for a while now, but no one has come for her.  And while you’ve tried to keep her out of the family business, we know that Barton approached you about her hand…and so has Odinson.”

Tony scoffed, “and that means that you’re here to do what?  Throw your name in the hat, Rogers?  Who’s to say that I won’t marry her off to one of my lieutenants?”

“If you planned on doing that then it would have already been done,” Steve pointed out, “and anyways, every single one of them that rank high enough is already married with children…and I know that you aren’t going to pimp your sister out to them as a mistress.”

Tony’s jaw clicked, eyes flickering up to Steve’s, “watch what you say about my sister, Rogers.  Inez has plenty of options, not that it’s any of your business…”  

“Bullshit!”

Tony frowned, “Rogers.”

“Come on, Tony.  Be realistic here.  We both know that she can’t exactly marry your wife’s cousin…I know that the families have done some questionable things over the years…but that one would be a little more than curious.”

The door closed softly behind the latest addition to the Stark family, pulling away from the tension in the room, and Tony watched his wife curiously as she came into the conversation.  Pepper’s brow raised, “Sam has a point, Tony…Inez can’t marry Peter, as much as you love him like a younger brother.  That’s coming a little too close to a line that I don’t feel comfortable crossing; even if he would take her as his bride!”

Steve smiled. 

Tony’s jaw twitched as he looked at the younger man, “what are you smiling about, Rogers?”

“I’m just the best prospect your sister has,” he smirked even more as he sucked in his cheeks, “Brooklyn is a tough borough, but we are strong.  Compact.  My family has ruled it with an iron fist since the boroughs started, just as the Starks have, and the Parkers.  I know that we haven’t always gotten along, but I’m the last of the old families.  If you give her up to Barton or Odinson, you’ll be caving in to new blood.  I mean, if you give her to Odinson that sends a horrible message.  His dad was one of Potts’ lieutenants, but he had no issues getting rid of her father just to fill the space.”

“That’s enough!” Pepper growled, “you won’t disrespect my father by t-“

“Pepper,” Tony sighed, cutting his wife off with a single look, “Rogers is trying to explain why he should get Inez’ hand.  He meant nothing by it in talking about your father…right Rogers?”

“I apologize,” Steve frowned, sparing her a glance, “I mean no disrespect, Pepper…I’m just trying to explain my position.  As Tony said.”

“Then tread carefully, Rogers!” Tony warned.  He reached up and put an arm on his wife’s waist.  She sighed and moved into his lap before grabbing the rocks glass and drinking the amber liquid.

“Right,” he answered, “as I was saying…Odinson would send the wrong message.  Parker is practically family.  And while my number two would have been a good option had his father been able to keep the borough that those idiots run now, that only leaves me.  You don’t want to give in to a borough that has three people leading it.  They haven’t had stability since Buck’s father was executed…you’d be sending her into a fucking massacre.”

“Are you getting to your point anytime soon, Rogers?”

“You need to send the right message, Stark…a carefully crafted one that has all the markers of being strong, bold, and thorough,” he reasoned, “anyone other than me, won’t send that.  If you gave her away to another family’s lieutenants, that wouldn’t do it.  That might put the wrong image of you out there.  Might give people the idea that you’re soft…aging out of your position before your time by giving the only daughter of Howard Stark to someone that’s unimportant.  You don’t want that.  You don’t need that.  You need me, Tony.  Send a message of strength.”

Tony’s jaw twitched even more at the younger man’s insinuations, “you’d be smart to be nicer to me, Rogers.  Especially since you’re asking for my sister’s hand.  Manhattan may not be the biggest borough, but our contributions are strong ones.  You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need me just as much as you’re insinuating that I needed you.”

 “Boys…” Pepper said with a soft, but warning tone.  Tony looked to his wife, and then to the man from Brooklyn, “if you’re not here to ask for protection, or wanting to combine your territories, then what are you looking for Mr. Rogers?  An alliance and my sister-in-law’s hand must not be all that you’re asking for?”

“How do you even know about Inez?” Tony asked after a moment, “I’ve done everything I can to make sure that none of you have seen her.  My mother and father worked tirelessly in making sure she received her education outside of the states…she only came back after their deaths, and I made it my life’s purpose to make sure that I stayed the most powerful borough, and maintained the secret that I even had a sibling.”

“Just because she’s a mystery to us, doesn’t mean we don’t know of her existence, Tony,” Steve chuckled, “sure…none of my guys know what she looks like, but we all know that Inez Stark exists.  It’s my job to know who is who, and how to make sure I don’t lose my place to someone attempting to fly under a radar.  Be smart, Tony.  You had to have known that one day this would happen.”

Tony’s eyes closed and he rubbed his forehead.  Steve frowned, suddenly feeling guilty over using Tony’s younger sister as a pawn.  He remembered how his best friend had felt whenever Mr. Barnes had used Bucky’s sisters as bargaining chips in retaining the number two position under his father when he lost Staten Island to Odin Allfather when he was a child.  He remembered how his best friend’s heart broke when his sisters were shipped off to different parts of the state to keep Odin Allfathers’ empire happy, and the outlying generals up his sleeve. 

“I never wanted this life for her, Rogers…” Tony said in a slow, sad voice, “my parents never wanted Inez to be a bargaining chip…and she’s not going to be one.  She’s my sister.  I don’t want this life for her.  I know what happened to Barnes’ sisters.  And Wilson’s sister…I know the torment that Pepper felt when she thought she was going to be used as a bargaining chip for her father’s power.”

“No one ever prays for that life, Stark…” Steve frowned, “it’s why our fathers all prayed for boys.”

“Pepper…can you go get Inez for me?” Tony asked his wife gently.  Pepper gave him a soft look and nodded, before leaving the boardroom.  Tony downed the rest of his drink and began towards the wall once more.  This time he grabbed two more glasses.

“Sam doesn’t drink on the clock, Stark…”

“Third glass is for Inez,” he muttered softly as he filled the three glasses and walked back to the table, “she’s going to lose her shit when she hears…I’d always told her that when we were little, that I’d keep her safe…now I’m about to hand her over to a wolf.”

Steve chuckled, a sigh escaping his lips as Tony slid a glass over to him, and placed the third on his side, “Look…I never had a sibling, so I don’t know what this is like from your side…but I remember how much it tore Buck up when his dad lost Staten Island to Thor’s father a few decades back…I-I may seem old school, but I have respect for women…I helped Rebecca get out of the Allfather’s clutches when he started using them up like they were chips.  I just want you to know that your sister will be safe with me, Tony.  I can promise you that.”

Tony’s eyes flickered to the young Rogers man, “you have a reputation, Steve…you may have helped Barnes’ eldest sister, but that was for a different reason.  We all knew that you cared for her in a different way.  You don’t know my sister…and I know what you do…your reputation is one that people are loud about.”

“I know what they say…”

“Yeah?” Tony asked, “and what’s that?”

“I’m known for fucking the girls in my clubs…I know…”

“That stops when you marry Inez…”  he warned thoughtfully, “and if I ever see her with a mark-“

“I’ll be kind to your sister, Tony.”

“She’s a reserved one, Rogers…”

“Is that your way of saying she’s ugly?” he asked cheekily, “because I can do a wedding just for the paper’s sake and you could keep her here in her ivory tower while I take a mistress.”

There was a gasp from the door.  And suddenly Steve regretted his words.  Pepper stood beside a young, dark-haired woman, who looked simply appalled. 

“Shit…” Tony cursed, his eyes trailing between his sister and newest ally, “Inez, this is-“

“Whatever business deal you’re trying to set up, I won’t be a part of it, Tony,” she growled, shooting her brother a look that should have sent him to the grave, “I’m not some piece of pussy you can barter with…and I’m not some homely, desperate woman looking to be married off to a pompous ass either.”

She shot Steve a look and he frowned. 

“Inez…” Pepper sighed.  She shot her sister-in-law a worried look, and Pepper put one hand on her shoulder, wrapping it around the younger woman, while the other made its way to soothingly rub her other arm, “Tony’s doing this for you, Inez…this is Steve…Steve Rogers.  He runs Brooklyn.”

The young woman swallowed the anxiety that was building in her stomach.  Steve stood up to properly examine the young woman. 

She had olive skin, and her curly chocolate hair seemed to fall down her back, flowing like a river of ringlets.  She was petite, and perfectly proportioned, and Steve found himself salivating at the thought of her as his wife.  He found himself regretting the cheeky joke even more, knowing that he had unintentionally dug himself a hole where he wasn’t sure he’d be able to dig himself out of.

And as much as it was a business proposition to align himself with Tony and Peter, actually seeing his future bride made him want to please her, in hopes that he could do more than just have her on his arm.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” she groaned, rolling her eyes and separating herself from her sister-in-law only to find herself walking towards the bar.

“I already got you a glass, Inny…”

“Save it for yourself,” she moaned, opening the crystal decanter and taking a large gulp of the amber liquid inside of it, “the rest of this is mine now.”

“Woman after my own heart!” Steve teased as he shoved his hands in his pockets, “gorgeous and knows how to take what she wants.”

Her eyes flickered up to his, and his breath caught in his throat, “let’s get one thing straight right now, Rogers…one thing I’m not going after is your heart.  And despite your position, I’m not impressed with your cheap words.  So, you can go to hell with that cheeky attitude right now!”

“Happy engagement, sis…” Tony tried nervously as he looked at his little sister.  Guilt gnawed at him when he watched the happiness drain from his little sister’s face, “I-I’m sorry Inny…”

“Don’t call me that, Anthony!” she all but begged as she gave him a sad look, “I-I don’t want you calling me by that name, anymore…not now.  Not after this.  I’d rather marry Peter…”

“Inez,” Pepper tried, rushing up to her, “you have to understand.  We’re doing this because Steve is the lesser of three evils.  You saw Clint Barton and Thor Odinson both coming in the past week and Tony turned them down…he wouldn’t put you in harm’s way or-”

She turned towards her brother once more, “Tony…were you-were you waiting on Steve to come to you for my hand?”

Tony frowned, his younger sister revealing his thought process aloud as his wife explained it to her.

“Pepper…”

Steve’s brow rose as he too, hit the realization, “so Odinson and Barton were already here?  And you already turned them down?  Stark, you were waiting on me to come for your sister, weren’t you?  Who exactly was it that let it slip that you had a sister who was of age?”

“Like you said, Rogers…” Tony sighed, grabbing the glass and downing it like it was a shot.  The glass hit the table with a firm click as Tony breathed out, “we need each other…Inez was the ace in my pocket.  I knew that you’d come for her.  It was only a matter of time.  You needed an alliance.  Well so do Peter and I.  Odinson and Barton want to start another war…and we’re going to stay out of it.  You marrying Inez means that the three of us band together and stay neutral.  Let the new bloods kill each other…and the three of us will split the territory when it all goes to shit.”

Chapter 3

Tag List:  @teambarnes72, @prokey16, @lohnes16

[ode2cheol]

minute too late

this is angst there’s no happy ending ＾▽＾ there’s not even any fluff ＞ω＜ 0.7k words

jun couldn’t take his eyes off of you. but oh he prays he could.

because the more he looks at you, the more he stares and hates himself for staring.

you’re not his to admire. you’re not his to want to compliment every time he lays eyes on you. you’re not his to want to hug you, and kiss you, and just tell you everyday how much he loves you.

does he even love you?

he knows he does but he tries asking himself that every now and then so he can convince himself he hasn’t been hopelessly in love with you for as long as he could remember.

everyday he regrets introducing his friend to you that one day.

and everyday he’s disgusted with himself for being so jealous of his friend for becoming your boyfriend instead of jun.

it’s not fair he thinks, but maybe it is?

he supposes it’s his own fault. why couldn’t he tell you sooner? why was he so much of a coward? why was he so afraid of rejection? why was he so sure you didn’t feel the same way?

he knows why. because he’s seen how you look at him, the look you’ve given to any past lovers was never the same as the look you gave jun. he knew he couldn’t compare. and at the end of the day, he’d rather he suffer in silence rather than lose you forever.

that was what jun wanted, but why was he avoiding you now? he couldn’t stand to be near you when that lovesick grin was never for him but for his friend.

“babe? you haven’t heard from junnie have you?” you asked nervously from your boyfriend’s side, “he hasn’t answered his texts. and ever since we all hung out that day he’s hasn’t said anything since he randomly left. and every time me and soonyoung tried hanging out with him since he says something came up”

“jun? nah he’s been the same to me, did you guys have an argument or something?” he replied, rubbing your side gently.

“no not that i’m aware of” you pouted, “hey how ‘bout i text him from your phone to see what’s up?”

“no! u-uh no” your boyfriend jumped, “you— you can’t do that- sorry baby. how ‘bout you just drop by his house instead?”

you eyed him for a few seconds before shrugging, “sure. hopefully he’ll actually talk to me instead of just slamming the door in my face”

you spent most of the car ride just thinking about jun. why was he avoiding you? did you do something to upset him? you sat nervously for a few minutes in your car parked outside of jun’s place.

you knocked on his door, dusting anything off your sweater while you waited. why were you so nervous? this was jun. jun who you’ve known since you were a kid. jun who you’ve been through practically everything with. jun who you had that crush on in-

“yn” he sighed, luckily, he actually did answer, albeit he probably didn’t even know it was you when he answered considering his surprised face, looking at you for a few seconds before his gaze was stuck on the suddenly very interesting sleeves of his own sweater, “something wrong or..?”

“can’t i just see my best friend?”

right. best friend.

“especially since my best friend has been avoiding me for a week. what’s up? did something happen? did i do something to make you mad? whatever it was junnie i’m really sorry-“

“you don’t have to be sorry. i promise” he cleared his throat, “it’s just— nothing. yn, i can’t do this anymore. i don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve this, your boyfriend doesn’t deserve this— let’s just, agree to not hang out anymore”

and before you could reply, he was gone. you chuckled mirthlessly at how he really did slam the door on you. at least he actually heard you out you guess, is what you tried to humour yourself with to distract yourself from the tears pooling in your eyes. you hummed along with the music in your car to distract yourself from the tears falling down your cheeks when you knocked his door for five minutes before you realised you really had lost your best friend.

[boogiewrites]

Seeing Stars Pt. 21

Part 1 if you missed it!

The aftermath of Star and Eddie's big fight spills over into the lives of those around them. It takes them a few tries before they're able to talk again, both feeling hurt and defensive. What will it take for Eddie's stubborn nature to be derailed? What will be the thing that makes Star realize she has to confront her fears to grow? Eddie finds out from the source what Star went through in her past relationship. Star is left with no more reasons to deny that she's in love with Eddie.

CW: Descriptions of events that happened in an abusive relationship given by the victim. Not graphic but I still wanted to mention it. The abuser uses hurtful language toward the victim. Use of gay slurs by the abuser. A short conversation on men and women and their differences, it's a bit black and white and outdated so I wanted to mention that as well, gender roles and that. More fighting and more hurt. But also a light at the end of the tunnel.

-

Star survived the long lonely night after her and Eddie’s fight. She drove to school, painfully aware of the fact that she was very alone. She had only taken her sunglasses off if commanded by teachers. She was hung over, she felt like hell down to her bones. New depths of feeling hurt and terrible had been discovered.

She was shaking, watching the clock tick to lunch. She was starving and somehow also nauseous. She didn’t know how to face him. Would he act like nothing happened? Would he tell her to fuck off? She had no idea. So she acted in the way he had called her, and she hid in the bathroom for lunch. She wasn’t proud. She’d try again tomorrow.

Feeling defeated already, the universe felt it suited to further punish Star for withholding her feelings. If she wouldn’t open up and be vulnerable on her own, it could always beat her into submission. So it started with her car. Except that’s exactly what it wouldn’t do. Start. She was on the side of the road out of town and banging her head against the steering wheel. Unlike the guys in her life, she didn’t know much about cars. When your older brother is a great mechanic you never have to learn anything. She let out a groan before popping the hood to make it feel like she was doing something. That way when Robbie inevitably asked her what happened she could say she looked and that it wasn’t on fire at least. She grabbed her bags, locked up the car, and started the walk home. The dark clouds were a middle finger from the universe as it started to rain.

“I would say it can’t get any worse but I know you’ll prove me wrong and hit me with lightning or something so okay I GET IT!” She shouted alone on the side of the road with her arms in the air in annoyance. Luckily it wasn’t too long of a walk.

Tomorrow came, and she’d found Eddie completely ignoring her in their classes like the day before. He made her wonder if she’d gone invisible. She didn’t know he could act like that. But then again, she hadn’t expected him to blow up like he had either. Even if she was starting to understand it. She felt really strange about it. As heartbroken and sad as she was, she felt oddly… calm. She didn’t know that it was acceptance creeping in. Deep down she agreed with everything he’d said. She just had to realize it for herself now.

Greeting her was a not-unusual collection of mail on her counter Robbie had politely sorted for her. She knew the news couldn’t be any worse than the one she’d already got about Bobby so she flicked through them without much thought until one from a Chicago address came into view. Holding it with unsure hands she realized it was from the art scholarship group.

“I don’t even have to open this with the week I’m having do I?” She said aloud.

Sure enough.

“We regret to inform you you were not selected to receive-“ she sighed and tossed it into the trash can not bothering to read the rest. “Fucking great. So I’m stuck here with a guy I love that hates me now and I can’t even escape after graduation to be some shitty artist. Great.” She kicked the cupboard and immediately regretted it. “I guess this summer I’ll be working doubles until I collapse to save up, huh?” She plopped into the bed, full of disappointment in herself.

The next day she made it halfway to the Hellfire table. Eddie still ignoring her, she thinks she would’ve preferred if he was been glaring at her. Indifference hurt more somehow. So she turned at the last minute and sat with Robin. She didn’t ask why. At least not at the table. She did demand answers when it was just her alone, so Star gave in and went to Family Video to spill the beans to both her and Steve. Both were disappointed in her. Both were surprised at Eddie.

After rehashing everything with the Family Video duo, she felt a new wave of gloom wash over her. The bad news of the scholarship and an out-of-service car was enough to push her into old habits. She fell back on the old coping mechanisms she’d taken comfort in before and found herself at The Hideout. She wasn’t proud of it.

Unlike his usual behavior, Eddie took to the confines of the dive too. He knew he could be left alone to brood and have a few drinks. Fulfill some aesthetic of a heartbroken man wallowing in his self-pity for a bit. But he’d been wrong. Now he was trapped, unable to leave the corner booth where he’d hidden away because Star was busy drowning her sorrows across the bar. He had his hood up, zip-up black hoodie, and thankfully no major identifying articles of clothing like his vest. Star had been quiet at first, sulking and somber, sipping away at hard liquor and making small talk with the bartender she liked. The longer the night went on, the louder she got. In 2 hours she was singing karaoke and although it wasn’t bad, the articulation of her words was certainly lacking. Sad song after sad song she went, being ignored by the few other bar customers. It wasn’t hard to tell the poor girl was going through something, so they let it be. She was finishing up a Queen song, trying to sing every part, which was physically impossible, but that certainly wasn’t stopping her from trying. To Eddie’s surprise he saw Steve enter the bar, a noticeable sigh, then a fond smile, a shake of his head as he watched her perform. He took in the space around him. A leftover paranoia from his trauma always compelled him to know where exits were, see who was in the room, and check for danger. He missed waltzing into a room without a care, thinking he was untouchable.

He met Eddie’s eyes, and despite his hair being pulled back into his hood to make himself less noticeable, Steve recognized him. At first surprise, a step back and glancing quickly around the room. His face then shifted and gave him a look that Eddie had seen him give the kids. It was full of irritation and disappointment. Eddie’s eyes widened as he saw he’d been discovered, quickly shaking his head no, pleading with Steve through his eyes to not draw attention to him. Steve picked up on the situation quickly, crossed his arms, and rolled his eyes, head still shaking back and forth as he ran his hand through his hair and left Eddie’s line of sight to retrieve Star.

He was being gentle despite how annoyed he was, Eddie could hear him politely telling Star it was time to go. He heard Star perk up at his voice, saw her melt, and hug him around the neck tightly.

“Oh, Stevie. M’so glad you’re here.” she cooed, kissing his face.

“Alright, there hun.” Steve pat her back and rubbed it as she nuzzled into his chest.

“God you smell so good.” she groaned. Eddie felt heat rise in his face.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, knowing any response from him wouldn’t truly be heard. “Let’s go home. C’mon. Get your coat.” he instructed the wobbly lady.

“We gonna go to your place?” she asked.

“Do you want to?”

“Whatever you wanna do Stevie, baby.” she pat his cheek and Eddie scowled. “Wherever you wanna take me I’ll go,” she said with a bright smile and a nod. She was fully giving in, throwing her misplaced affections at Steve. He was handsome and sweet, and she was craving intimacy something awful. Of course, Steve had no intention of letting her try anything. Eddie was his friend, and Star was drunk. That wouldn’t stop her from acting out though.

“Let’s get you back home then,” he said putting his arm around her shoulders and directing her out of the bar. He shot daggers at Eddie one last time, a look of, 'see what you’ve done'. But to his surprise, Eddie was shooting them right back at him this time. Steve scrunched his face in confusion, shaking his head and turning his attention back to Star who had slid her hand into Steve’s back pocket.

“You gonna stay with me? I don’t wanna be alone.” he heard her whine as they walked out the door. Eddie didn’t hear Steve’s reply but he could certainly hear the blood rushing in his ears with jealousy.

-

So the next day she sat with them at lunch. Eddie was surprised but from a lifetime of hiding his emotions he didn’t give away anything at first. She tried to talk to him, fleeting moments of eye contact as he’d lower them to the table and give her sharp, short answers. He could see her hair hadn’t been washed that morning or the night before, he saw the way it lay flatter in the back because she’d slept on her back. Or had she been on her back for other reasons? He took in every inch of skin he could, any mark of redness or bruise pulling his attention and fueling his delusion that she’d slept with Steve. There was a red splotch on her neck, it wasn’t like the ones he’d left on her before but his mind wasn’t listening to reason. He was fuming, grinding his teeth down to nothing. Star could feel the anger coming from him now, assuming it was from her. The conversation kept moving among the other people at the table.

“I don’t know, I’ll ask Steve after school, I couldn’t get ahold of him last night.” Eddie’s eyes shot to Dustin, snapping the pretzel he had in his fingers.

“He was with me,” Star said casually and Eddie wondered if she was crueler than he had ever imagined she could be.

“Oh, did he say anything about this weekend?”

“No, sorry. Not that I remember anyway. But we weren’t really talking about him taking you all to the movies so I doubt it.”

“What were you talking about then?” Eddie hide his emotion, looking down as he asked then a pointed swing up as he saw Star turn her head with hopeful eyes that were matched with his, black with anger.

“We-uh.” she stuttered at the surprise of the question, and more so the fact that he was speaking to her directly at all.

“Or were you two not doing much talking?” he accused and she tilted her head in confusion. Everyone felt the wave of anger now, looking at Eddie with the same expression.

“I don’t-? I was…” she huffed, her cheeks turning red. “I didn’t wanna talk about it but I was drunk and he took me home,” she confessed, looking down, her hands fidgeting. She was ashamed. She looked at him defensively, turning in on herself, feeling hurt from his stinging accusation. Dustin glared at Eddie.

“Dude,” Jeff said sympathetically to Star at Eddie’s tone.

“Why are you talking to her like that?”

“If you’re so sore-assed about it maybe you should’ve taken her home.” Gareth, a surprising voice of reason caught Eddie’s attention as they stared each other down. No one knew exactly what had happened, they only knew Eddie was being a dick this week.

“Thankfully Steve was there to take care of me last night,” she said looking down, gathering her things as Dustin reached to stop her but she shook her head. “You’d be surprised what a little support and kindness would make a girl wanna do.” She stared right into Eddie's eyes as she stood. She was seething with anger. She wanted him to hurt, wanted him to think his friends had scorned him by sleeping together. She walked away with her tray and Eddie was left to be gawked at.

-

So naturally, the next question Eddie asked Steve when he went to Family Video the next day was direct and full of venom.

“Are you fucking her?” He almost growled at an unsuspecting Steve in the empty store. His eyes blinked rapidly, his hands raising between him and the glaring man across the counter.

“Woah, Woah. What?” Steve sputtered out.

“Don’t play stupid, sweetheart. I know you well enough to know you aren't.”

“That’s the weirdest compliment I’ve ever gotten,” Steve said bewildered.

“Stop avoiding the question.”

“No!” Steve shouted, now moving into being offended. “What the hell, man? You think I’d sleep with Star? Now? You’re off your meds, man. Don’t be crazy.”

“I saw her all over you at the bar.”

“She was drunk. You saw her. You know how she gets. She’s very friendly.” his nose wrinkled at the underselling of Star’s physical affection needs when intoxicated.

“And she’s pissed at me. Plenty of reasons to try it with you. I know she wants to fuck you. It’s the perfect storm to fuck me over.”

“Calm down,” Steve said in a drawn-out deep voice, leaning on the counter. “We didn’t do anything like that. I took her home, and all she did was cry over you.” he shook his head, his hair bobbing at the force.

Eddie blinked and leaned back in response.

“You think I’d sleep with her knowing you loved her? Good to know you think so highly of me, shit.” he leaned back and crossed his arms.

“I-” Eddie shook his head and put his hands to his face. “I’m sorry, Steve. Fuck.” he groaned. “I accused her at lunch and she-”

“You didn’t.” Steve groaned, his chin leaning forward “You idiot! Why would you do that!” he shook his hands at the run-down looking man across the counter.

“I don’t know. I’m all messed up. I saw her all over you and I saw red, man. I’m sorry.”

“All she did was sling snot and blubber on about how much she loved you but she couldn’t say it because what if she fucked it all up? What if she’s a terrible person and you find out and leave her? And you go and accuse her of sleeping with me? No offense but- you know, NO, FULL offense that’s bullshit!” Steve was angry on his behalf as well as Star’s now.

“I see that now,” Eddie muttered and hit his head on the counter in front of him.

“Get your shit together man, Jesus.” Steve scowled. “Go talk to her. Apologize. Don't be a dick. She’d never do that to you. I can’t believe you’d think that. And about me! I thought we were friends!”

“We are! I’m sorry. Old habits die hard.”

“You’d gonna die alone with your old habits if you don’t stop being such a stubborn jackass.” Steve pointed out, leaning down to Eddie’s mushed face on the counter.

“I know I hurt her, I thought she was trying to hurt me. I know she used to-”

“Yeah. USED TO. She even said that. That before she would’ve tried. To distract herself for a minute with someone else. But she wouldn’t anymore because of you. That she didn’t want to take a step back or hurt you. She was already upset she got so drunk.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. Fuck… you.” Steve said with a joking tone but there was truth behind it.

“Yeah, fuck me.” Edie groaned and hit his head a few times on the counter.

“Stop that shit. Someone’s gonna come in and 5150 you.” he shoved Eddie’s shoulder and he stood up.

“The Van Halen album?” Eddie asked, a bit dazed.

“Did you hit your head that hard?”

“Sorry I-”

“The more you say that the less it means you know.” Steve glared.

“What?”

“Sorry doesn't mean shit if it doesn’t come with changed behavior.”

“You sound like her.”

“Good! Because she’s smart! She’s trying to get better despite you being a baby and saying you were done with her because she couldn’t say she loved you back.”

“Wouldn’t you wanna hear it?” Eddie hit his hands on the counter, the weight of them making a heavy sound.

“Of course! But when she tells you she can’t because she’s afraid she’ll fuck everything up and then YOU go and leave, proving her right…what does that accomplish? Nothing! You need to see how much she loves you. She needs to be brave enough to say it and not think everything is gonna go to hell when she does. You’re both wrong and you’re both right.”

“I have the right to want to hear it from her. I’m not wrong.”

“That isn’t wrong, no. It’s how you’re going about it.”

“I deserve to hear it. I said she has to say it for me to be able to keep doing whatever it is we’re doing. I’m not even asking her to be my girlfriend, I just want to hear her say it.” Steve sighed, seeing the circles under Eddie’s eyes and the hurt behind them. He was just as sensitive as anyone else. So much for the whole macho tough routine. “If I don’t stick to my guns, then nothing I say means anything.”

“Yeah, you’re stubborn.”

“I’m not stubborn, I’m sticking to what I said.”

“Dude! That’s THE definition of stubborn.”

“Ugh!” Eddie threw his arms up. “It’s like everyone’s gone crazy this week.”

“If everyone around you is an asshole…. Chances are you’re the asshole.” Steve said with a lecturing face.

“I’m not the asshole here. Neither is she. I’m stating what I need from her. That’s it. That doesn’t make me the bad guy.”

“It doesn’t… not.” Steve bobbed his head side to side in thought. Eddie stared with a deadpan expression back at him. “Look, you’re asking her to do the one thing she can’t. That’s the issue. If you can't get past that then you need to tell her and drop it. End it. Completely.”

“But I love her, I don’t want to lose her.”

“You can’t have both.”

“Yes, I can. She’ll say it.”

“At least stop being an asshole to her in the meantime then? Just treat her like she’s your friend.”

“I can’t. If I’m around her I'll give in. I can’t act like she’s just my friend anymore I don’t know what that feels like. I’ve loved her for months now and I don’t know how to act.”

“Sounds like a you problem.”

“Now you’re being a dick.” he grumped at Steve.

“Yeah. That was me being a little bit of a dick.” Steve grinned. "Cut me some slack I’m stuck in the middle of you two. It’s not fun for you? Imagine how much it sucks for me to have to hear you both bitching and moaning?”

“Nothing about this is fun.”

“No shit,” Steve said sarcastically. “Love hurts, man. It sucks. It’s also the best thing that exists. It’s…” he sighed.

“Yeah. I know what you mean now.”

“First time, huh?”

“Yeah,” Eddie grumbled.

“I don’t have any happy metaphor for you man. My first love ended in flames. I won’t bullshit you.”

“I appreciate it.”

“Then don’t accuse me of sleeping with your…girlfriend…person situation.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Yeah, you should be.” Eddie sulked. “You’re a good guy.” Steve slapped his arm. “But even good guys can be assholes sometimes.”

“Not an asshole.”Eddie lilted, raising his head, his mood lighter but not chipper by any means.

“You’re not… not an asshole.” Steve clarified.

-

Thursday was awkward. Eddie felt like an idiot after what he’s said the day before. But Star braved his misplaced anger and sat with them anyway. If anything, she could use spite to be brave even if she was still hurt and sad. Eddie was apologetic with his eyes. They didn’t say much, but the intensity was certainly more tolerable. The group conversation flowed with no issue this time, Eddie answering like a sane person and Star doing the same. They exchanged a few words and kept it civil. She felt hopeful.

At the end of the day when Star shut her locker, she jumped at the appearance of Eddie after the door moving gave away his approach.

“Shit!” she squeaked and grabbed her bag. “You scared me,” she said, looking down immediately.

“I didn’t mean to,” he muttered, hands shoved into his pockets.

She stood with her face downward, fingers picking at the yarn in the strap of her bag, her eyes turned upward to meet his. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t know what to say.

“I wanted to apologize for what I said yesterday. At lunch.”

“Okay.” she nodded slowly, eyes wandering again.

“I saw you two in town that night and you looked… awfully cozy together.” he groaned out, eyes now losing their bravery as he too looked away.

“I was drunk. You know how I get,” she answered quietly, but the tone wasn’t lost on Eddie’s ears. I was drunk because of you, is what she’d wanted to add.

“Yeah.” he kicked at the linoleum floor with his sneaker.

“We didn’t do anything. Not that you’d have any right to be mad at us if we did." Eddie tilted his head and his nose twitched.

“I think I would have the right,” he muttered.

“You essentially told me to fuck off,” she stated plainly. “Or do you not remember storming out and saying you were done with my bullshit?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“It’s burnt into my memory because I’ve been crying about it for days, I’m pretty fucking sure that’s what you said.” she hissed back.

“Then that’s not what I meant! Okay?” he said back with the same defensive attitude she had.

“Then what did you mean?” the snarky attitude she was giving him wasn’t helping their situation.

“I meant…” he lowered his voice. “That whenever you were ready to give me the validation I needed to hear that I’m here. I didn’t mean I’m done with you, like, totally. I..” he groaned and sighed. “I love you, I don’t want you being with anyone else,” he mumbled, eyes paranoid and seeing if anything else was around to hear. “I meant I was done with… that conversation. There was no point in fighting more about it. It wouldn’t have helped.” he added with his exhaustion showing through.

“And I still can’t give you that,” she said entirely annoyed with herself and the situation, but Eddie took it for her not caring. He felt like a dagger had been shoved in between his 4th and 5th rib. “I’m sorry,” she added quietly. “I’m… trying,” she whispered, less angry as she saw the hurt in his body language. “I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never done this… felt this before. I’m not... equipped to deal with this level of shit.”

“So what we have is shit now?” he blurted out.

“No.” she whimpered, “You know that’s not what I meant.” she huffed and closed her eyes.

“That’s what you just said.” he bit back.

“Shit as in the overwhelming amount of emotions I’m having. Everything little fucking thing is triggering the hell out of me!” she admitted with a crack in her voice.

Eddie didn’t say anything, he sighed in response. They stood in painful silence for a moment.

“Well, I’m gonna go. This clearly isn’t going anywhere. I wanted to say sorry for accusing you of sleeping with Steve. And I did. What I said still stands. When you want to give this a real try, and man up to how you feel then come talk to me. Otherwise…we’re just going to argue.” he threw his hands up.

She didn’t respond as he turned and walked away. She felt the exhaustion hit her all over again. She missed him so much. She missed how he used to bring her comfort and not pain. She was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Something had to give.

Star was dehydrated she’d cried so much. She thinks if she tried again dust might come out of her eyes. She was drained. So she did what she knew, and sat at her kitchenette, her cards in her hands.

“Alright. Hit me with it.” she sighed.

The Star reversed slapped onto the table.

Star let out the first laugh she’d had since the argument.

“Yeah.” she let out a deep breath. “Fuck me, right?” she snorted and chuckled, rubbing her face. “Okay… Two card pull here.“ She says aloud, another shuffle. “If I tell him I’m in love with him. If I let myself be vulnerable enough to very likely fucking up... What’s gonna happen?”

The Lovers.

Star rolls her eyes and pulls another card.

10 of cups.

“If I had a dollar every time I pulled that when I asked you about him.”

“Then maybe you should fucking listen, you dumb bitch.” She heard in her head and laughed again.

“It’s too good to be true though. But… every time.” she tapped the 10 of cups card. “Is he really it?” she whispered, holding up The Lovers card. “Did you really send me a soul mate?” her face was sad, tired at even the thought of the effort it’d take for her to digest such a weighted statement. “Okay, so if I don’t tell him? At this point... why pull these? You’re going to hand my ass to me.” she slapped down a card.

Two of swords.

“Yeah, no shit.” she cringed.

Five of cups.

“Ugh.” she leaned away from the table, concerned. “Fuck.” she frowned and looked around as if something was going to jump out at her. “Tell me how you really feel.” she slumped back in the booth. She lovingly put the cards that had just rode her hard and put her up wet into their velvet holder. She sat, elbows on the table, chin on her hands, looking out the window. She wasn’t being left with a choice. Not if she was going to grow and change. What Eddie had said had hurt. Deeply. She wasn’t denying that there was truth to it though. How long was she going to stay like this? She wasn’t happy. It wasn’t working. And according to the cards she’d handed a gift she was shunning. So of course her life was going to shit. She had to adjust. She’d extend the olive branch, she’d figure out how to tell him. Somehow.

-

So then came Friday. She wore her Hellfire shirt, the same as the rest of them and Eddie was visibly tense. More so than usual before a session. She could feel it coming off him from where he sat at the table adjacent to her. Lunch was civil enough again. She hoped he wasn’t as angry as he had been the previous afternoon. She stopped him, waiting him out to be the last two to leave the table.

“Eddie?” she asked, his back facing her as he was walking away. His eyes screwed shut at the way she said his name. Man, he missed that.

“Yeah?” he asked, turning, his shoulder shifting with anxiety.

“I just wanted to say I’m really looking forward to Hellfire tonight,” she said with a subtle smile.

“You are?” he met her eyes, surprised.

“Yeah. I was looking forward to it as a distraction at the least. I’m sure you’ve come up with something brutal. Plenty of… fuel for that sort of thing.” she laughed nervously, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I’ve put a lot of time into it this week,” he confirmed with a small nod.

“I was looking forward to seeing you too.” she offered, losing her nerve halfway through the sentence and looking away.

“Yeah?” a hint of hope in his upturned voice.

“Yeah.” she nodded chewing her lips. “I mean, it’s weird not seeing you. Talking to you.” she quietly added.

“Yeah.” was all he was managing to say. “I’ll see you tonight then.” he nodded and turned away. It wasn’t the warmest of interactions but it helped fuel Star’s optimism.

So she showed up early to Hellfire. She hoped to extend that olive branch. To show him she was trying. She wanted so badly to move past whatever this was that they were stuck in. If could just get through to him she was certain things could get closer to normal.

“Hey,” she said with bright eyes and a hesitant smile as Eddie was putting out the grid and making his control center.

“H-hey,” he said looking around, then to his watch seeing she was early. He hadn’t expected her to be early or alone.

“I thought I’d come early to talk.” she hesitantly stepped farther into the room. “Is that okay?”

“I mean… you’re doing it so…” he shrugged, anxious about her appearance. He saw the dejected look on her face at his response.

“I was hoping I could maybe… extend an olive branch, you know? I hate this weird disconnect, this animosity between us. I know it’s not good for anything, especially the campaign.”

“Yeah I’d been thinking about that.” he stood still and rubbed the back of his neck.

“I wanted to say that I get where you’re coming from, you know? I was hoping you had had time to think and see things from my point of view too. So maybe we could go back to talking to each other like…not like we used to but more like normal.”

“Star…” he sighed, and rest his hands on the table in front of him. “I said what I said. If you’re not ready, I can’t.” he saw the lump in her throat, and the shine in her eyes grow.

“I’m trying to meet you halfway. I’m trying. I want you to see that I’m trying.”

“Trying isn’t doing, sweetheart.” he shook his head.

“Don’t call me that,” she whispered, wiping away a tear before it fell. “Not like that.”

“I’m not trying to be difficult,” he said in an exhale.

“That’s good to know because it feels that way,” she admitted with a soft laugh, rolling her eyes and sniffling. “You have to try to do. And you being so cold and distant is making it harder. I can’t respond with love when I don’t feel it back.”

“You’ve been feeling it for months. It’s there. It’s just... I’m having a hard time too.” he admitted.

“Then we could make it easier on each other by trying to be normal again.” she offered with upturned hands.

“I can’t do that, Star.” he rubbed his face. “I’ll go back on what I said if I do.”

“And that’s SO terrible?” she snapped, covering her face after the outburst to hide the way it contorted with a building sob. “It’s so hard to see you and not be able to be myself,” she whispered, sniffling.

“Then maybe you should go?” he said calmly, his eyes sad as he looked up to find hers full of tears. “We’re both still emotional about this and I don’t want it to affect the session. It’s not fair to everyone else.”

“You don't want me in Hellfire?” her voice broke and her lip quivered.

“I mean you’re crying already and we’re not even fighting. It’s going to make you play poorly. It’ll distract me. Maybe sit this out until you figure your shit out?” he shrugged.

“Y-” she choked and stopped, looking away. “Fine.” she bit back, tears now proud on her cheeks. “I don’t see how I’m supposed to want to be with you when you’re picking this game over me.” she motioned to the table.

“Star, That’s not-”

“If you say that’s not what you mean one more time I’m going to fucking scream.” she hissed in a loud whisper. “Start saying what you mean instead of backtracking and maybe we could get somewhere!” she said fists balled and shaking.

“Maybe you should take your own advice,” he said back, his exterior so calm it made her infuriated. She said nothing, a huff, and a choked sound left her as she turned her heel and ran.

She sobbed in the girl's bathroom. She couldn’t control it. She’d run out of the theatre, and into the far wall of the bathroom where she slid down it into a lump on the floor.

Eddie hit the large wooden table so hard he worried he’d hurt his hands. He hadn’t meant to be so angry still. He was so cold. Too cold. She was trying but he couldn’t meet her in the middle. All he had was his word, and if he went back on what he said he’d do then his word would be nothing. He slammed himself into the throne, covering his face and groaning into his hands.

Dustin and his insatiable curiosity followed the sound of crying into the girl's bathroom. He hadn’t expected to find Star there, hiccuping as she was crying so hard. She met his eyes as he appeared, lip trembling before a cry broke from her throat, a wail that quietened only when she shoved her face into her sweater to dampen the sound.

“Holy shit, Star. What’s wrong? Are you okay?” he ran, sliding on his knees on the tile floor toward her.

“No.” she sobbed.

“Do I need to call an ambulance? The police? I’ll go get Eddie.” he began to rise and her hand shot to jerk him back into the floor so fast he was startled.

“No.” she said, wiping her face and raising her head. “He’s why I’m crying.”

“What’d he do? I’ll kick his ass.” he meant it and it broke Star out of her self-hating cycle.

“It’s my fault too.” she shook her head.

“I’ve never seen you like this, man. This isn’t normal. This seems like his fault.” he put his hand on her arm.

“We had a fight.”

“Oh.” he grimaced.

“Yeah.” she let out a wild-sounding laugh. “He kicked me out of Hellfire,” she said, looking at him and trying to stop her sobbing.

“He fucking WHAT?” he shouted.

“I tried to make amends. But he didn’t wanna hear it. He told me if I wasn’t there to apologize and do what he said that I shouldn’t come back. That me being there was too much of a distraction for him.”

“Eddie said that? Shit.”

“I fucked up, Dustin.” she whispered, shaking her head.

“Nothing could warrant him kicking you out of Hellfire.”

“Maybe it does.” she shifted and leaned against the wall, her eyes far away and unfocused.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know if he’d want me to say.”

“C’mon. Let me help.” his eyes were so kind, and his hand was so warm and comforting as he rubbed her arm. Star took a deep breath.

“He told me he loved me. But I couldn’t say it back. Even though I do. With the parole thing and the abuse from before I just… I’m having a really hard time. He got mad and told me I was a coward. And he’s right.” her lashes fluttered and she sniffled, wiping her face. “He told me he was done. Until I was ready to say it back he didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“He’s being a fucking asshole,” Dustin stated plainly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

“He’s right though. It happened over the weekend and I’ve been thinking a lot you know. And I thought that by coming here tonight I could start to make amends. But he…” her lip trembled and she whined, wiping her face again. “Don’t tell him any of that, please. I don’t want him more mad at me.” she grabbed Dustin's jacket and looked desperately into his eyes.

“I won't. I won’t. Don’t worry. I’m going to talk to him though.”

“I don’t know. I thought maybe I could do it you know. Stop listening to my ex’s voice in my head and maybe I could be with someone. Maybe I was worthy of it. But now he’s making me feel like I was right all along. That I’m not. Why can’t I just fucking say it back? It makes me feel like the world’s gonna end if I do. I hate it so much.” another sob grew.

“Star you’re a badass.” Dustin grabbed her face and shook it, her eyes went large from surprise. “You’re great. You’re a good person, you’re a great friend. I know you’d be a great girlfriend. You practically are Eddie’s girlfriend already. He’s just being a dick right now and I’m sorry. He’s a sensitive guy. I think he’s just acting out because he’s hurt too. But he needs to realize he’s not the boss. He can’t just demand things from you.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled from squished cheeks. “He was really mean tonight.” she whimpered.

“You should go home. I’ll talk to him. You shouldn’t have to be here while you’re this upset.”

“Okay,” she said meekly and it broke Dustin’s heart. She truly was defeated.

“Is there anything you want me to say to him? I can relay a message since he wasn’t willing to listen to you. I’ll make him fuckin’ listen.” he said angrily.

“Yeah I made him some things,” she muttered and dug through her bag. Dustin's shoulders slumped, seeing the formerly strong girl broken down to next to nothing in front of him. “I mean you can have it.” she handed a large cookie to Dustin, wrapped in plastic cling film. “It’s his favorite,” she whispered.

“It’s a D20.” Dustin grinned, hard icing tracing out numbers on its surface.

“I thought it was cute. He likes the hard icing.” she swallowed audibly. “I thought if I made him something he’d see I cared.” her bottom lip trembled.

“I’m so sorry he was such a dick.” Dustin looks at her with pity and she hated it but she needed it.

“I know.” she nodded, wiping her face and sitting up straight. “I also made him this but I wanted to give it to him myself. I don’t know if he’ll talk to me.” she shook her head and held out a cassette. “Don’t open it. There’s a letter inside for him. It’s… personal.”

“I won’t. Promise,” he says holding her hands as she extended it to him. “I’ll make him take it. And promise me he’ll read it. Okay? It’ll be okay.” he promised her with a nod and crooked smile.

“Thanks, Dustin. I don’t know that I deserve all this but thank you.”

“Don’t listen to him right now. He’s just hurt. He’s a stubborn dick when he’s got his feelings hurt.” Dustin rolled his eyes. “You go home and rest okay? I’ll handle this.”

“Thanks. You’re a really good guy. A really great friend. I mean it.”

“Shush, I know.” he grinned and stood, holding his hand out to help her up. “Let’s get you out of here.”

-

“What’s your fucking problem you absolute dick head?” Dustin strutted into the Hellfire Club chest first.

“Excuse you?” Eddie said with high brows.

“He kicked Star out of Hellfire.” he stood and declared it to the group, jerking his seat back and not taking his eyes off Eddie. He wanted him to be publicly shamed.

“You what?”

“What the fuck dude?”

“She was really good!” all came in a chorus of annoyed members.

“Shut up!” Eddie screeched and everyone leaned away, surprised. “That’s not what happened. You shouldn’t be throwing around accusations when you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Eddie gritted through clenched teeth.

“I do know. I just talked to her. I found her crying in the bathroom because of you, you asshole.” Dustin was pissed, and Mike was side-eyeing him, impressed and also scared at what Eddie might do. “She came here trying to make amends.” he raised his voice at the glaring man opposite him at the other end of the table, now standing with his hands on the table. Dustin looked at the group. “They had a big fight over the weekend, that’s why she’s been so weird and Eddie’s been such a pain in the ass,” he announced to the other members, meeting their eyes as they nodded and groaned, now understanding. “She brought you this.” she tossed the cookie down the table and it slid to a stop in front of Eddie. “But you were too busy being mean for her to give it to you.” It split on impact, and he looked just as sorry as he felt at that moment. “It’s your favorite.” Dustin spits out.

“Did she tell you what happened?” he asked, now less boisterous. Eyes not leaving the rifted cookie.

“No. She said you fought. She wanted to respect your privacy even after you were a grade-A piece of shit to her tonight.” He crossed his arms. The exact comment hit Eddie like a knife. That’s what he’d called her ex. That’s what he said he wasn’t. Shit. “I’m here to play. But this isn’t over. I’m talking to you after this.” he pointed his finger angrily at Eddie.

“She would’ve been a distraction from the campaign.”

“C’mon.” Gareth, to everyone's surprise, groaned. “So you and your girlfriend had a fight. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.” Gareth gave a much-needed pushback to Eddie’s stubborn stance. “She’s a member of this party. We get a say in who comes and goes. You’re the DM, you aren’t God.” he sassed back and Eddie blinked with a blank face. “I’m here to play too. But this is about D and D, not your feelings.”

“Okay then. She can come back next session.” Eddie raised his hands in defeat.

“If she’ll come back.” Jeff says with a more subtle lecturing look toward Eddie.

“If she doesn’t I’m gonna be so pissed at you, dude,” Gareth says with a shake of his head. “Her stats were just getting good,” he mumbled.

“Fine!” he slapped the table to break the subject. “Let’s get this fucking going.” he said loudly as he plopped back into his throne.

The session was fine, Eddie went a little too hard on them but no one fought him about it. They understood why.

Dustin sat in his chair with his arms crossed, waiting for everyone else to clear out.

“So?” he says with a sassy bob of his head. “Since when do you make girls cry, huh?”

“I didn’t mean to. Not really. I might’ve gone a little too hard on her.” he said, sitting on the tabletop beside the judging younger guy.

“A little? She was hiccuping on the bathroom floor from crying so hard. That’s not you being “a little too hard” on her.” Dustin scowled and use air quotes.

“I couldn’t have her here tonight. I wouldn’t be able to think straight. I’m a fucking mess about all this. Is that what you want to hear?”

“YES!” he screeched, his arms going up in the air. “Maybe if you’d brought this kind of honesty, to begin with we wouldn’t be having this conversation!” Eddie rolled his eyes and slumped, his hands on the edge of the table by his thighs. “Look, she gave me this,” he said pulling out a cassette and Eddie’s brow lowered in surprise and hesitation. “I told her I’d give it to you and I told her I’d make you promise to listen to it. She said there’s a letter in it.” he held it out and Eddie took it, looking it over. “She’s really sorry. I’ve never seen her like that, man she was fucked up over you. She really loves you, Eddie.” Eddies eyes snapped to Dustin's.

“She said that?” his voice gave away a certain desperation.

“Yes.” Dustin leaned forward and nodded.

“Then she should say it to me. Why is she saying it to you?” he deflected again, back to brooding.

“Well, she’s not in love with me so I don’t think those two things are comparable.” Dustin snarked.

“I just want her to tell me,” he whispered and Dustin softened his approach.

“She would if you’d give her the chance. She said some super depressing stuff about her ex. She’s still really messed up from that, you know.”

“And how long am I supposed to just wait and act like I’m not in pain every time I’m around her? Huh? It physically hurts to be around her I love her so much.” he gritted out, still looking angry despite the soft subject. “And I know she loves me. She did everything but say it when she was drunk. She even said she feels it but can’t say it. What the fuck does that even mean?” he groaned and hung his head.

“I think you’re being selfish,” Dustin said calmly.

“What the fuck, man? Are you hear to make me feel like shit or talk about this?”

“I’m not trying to, you feel guilty and you’re feeling that way all on your own.” he said with a confident turn up of his chin. Eddie turned away and glared at nothing in particular.

“What if I am? Don’t I have the right to? I’ve been the dirty little secret for most of my love life, do I not deserve to hear it if it’s true now? I feel like she’s being selfish by not saying it to me. Because she knows it’s true. She’s being a baby about it.”

“You’re in so deep you don’t even know it.” Dustin chuckled.

“What?”

“You’re in love bad. You’re getting possessive. That’s how being in love goes bad. You think you’re entitled to something from her. You know better.” Eddie glared, unhappy with the truth coming from the little shitty sage. “You’re acting just like one of these assholes that bully us.”

“That is NOT fucking fair.”

“I think if you were honest with yourself you’d agree.” Dustin stood, leaving Eddie to sulk. “Maybe do that meditation stuff she talks about. Really think about it. Listen to what she has to say.” he motioned toward the cassette. “Maybe what you want is right there.” he shrugged, grabbing his bag.

“Unless it’s a recording of her saying she loves me back it’s not.”

“Quit being such a stickler for rules. I can’t believe I’m saying that to you.” he rolled his eyes.

“I said what I needed. I’m sticking to my word!” he said with a pointed finger.

“Rules are made to be broken, man. What can I say? Think of it this way, would you withhold affection from an abused dog?”

“That’s a messed up comparison, Henderson,” he said feeling defensive of Star.

“No! Hear me out. A stray shows up and it’s scared right, it's clearly been abused by someone before. Do you get mad when the dog snaps or cries or runs away? No. You understand that it has to learn that YOU won’t hurt it. YOU have to be in control and not get mad and hit it when it snaps or growls. You have to be patient with it.” he chopped his hands at Eddie. “Star had a bad owner before. He taught her she was bad and wrong and to expect to be hit. And how are you fixing that point of view for her right now by doing this?”

“It’s not the same.”

“Is it not?” Dustin said with a low brow, his head tilted and a tone full of disappointment. “You show her you love her by loving her, dude. It’s that simple. You can't demand she all of the sudden open up after she’s been told that opening up is the worst thing that she could do. Do you get it? She’s scared. That’s why she was such a tough nut to crack when she first showed up. You see how much she’s changed. If you’d keep supporting her like you have, she’ll be able to change. Just like she has with other stuff.”

Eddie looked away, not knowing what to say because he knew the child genius was right.

“It’s Psych 101 man.” Dustin continued to rub salt into the wound with his words.

“Okay! Fine. I get it. Shit, man.”

“No shame in being wrong. You can apologize,” he said walking back towards the door. “I’m looking forward to telling you I told you so!” he called out as he walked out of the room.

Eddie snarled, his nose wrinkled as he glared at the cassette. He put it in his bag and went on to put away everything else before heading home.

The tape mocked him that next day. He went to band practice, ran errands, and ignored it. He was now mad at himself and not just her. He smoked himself stupid and fell asleep. If he’d had more money he would’ve added some drinking to the mix. He hadn’t felt so emotionally drained in years.

He woke up sweaty, Wayne was already asleep, back from work in the living room. The sounds of the first frogs he’d heard since summer ended were croaking in the puddles around the trailer park. He shut his window, taking his comforter with him across the room. He sat back down on his bed and his bag sat there looking back at him.

“Okay.” he sighed and stood, still dramatic even alone. “Let’s do this.”

He took his portable radio and sat with it on the bed, plugging his headphones into it. He opened the cassette with its pink broken heart on the front and a letter, folded up tumbled out. He saw the label on the cassette, C120, and became more interested. This was two full hours of music. She’d put work into this. What he didn’t know was that she’d been working on it for days, from the time she got home to her falling asleep listening to the radio for inspiration. She’d put her heart and soul into the flimsy plastic rectangle.

He snapped the tape in and unfolded the sheet of paper. One side was simply a tracklist. It was written out beautifully in ink, he’d always admired how pretty her handwriting was with its loops and leans. The other side was a simple message.

“We know I’m not good at saying these things. The songs can say it better than I ever could. Listen to the lyrics. Please. I hope they tell you all you need to know.”

Another chunky square had fallen out of the squeezed-in paper. He dug around it, unfolding the intricate bends. He saw a flash of orange. He pulled out the Get Out Of Jail Free Card he’d given her. He cracked a smile, feeling a hint of tears in his eyes. He’d practically forgotten. On the inside of the paper around it, concealing it until he took he time to open it was also simply stated.

“Forgive me.”

He sighed, looking at the card, he put it to his mouth, tapping it against his lips in thought. It even smelled like her. He wondered where she’d been keeping it all this time. He had to play by the rules of the card. He had to forgive her. She’d held onto his silly little gift and remembered it this whole time. He owed her for the sentimentality it showed in the gesture. She really did love him, didn’t she?

Eddie clicked the tape on, mouth dry and fingers fidgeting on the edges of the paper. Looking over the track list it was apparent that this mix was not for him. It wasn’t music catering to him, it wasn’t metal or thrash or a collection of songs he liked. It was all songs that were distinctly Star. He could feel her in the choices. First, a gut punch of nostalgia with Fleetwood Mac. He recalled her singing and dancing, how he’d spent so much time learning new songs just for her. And she was always appreciative of each one. Even if he didn’t quite get every chord just right. A throwback to an evening with Wayne with her favorite Dion song.Then Maggie May. She memorized every song and every emotion attached. He felt a little nauseous, she had remembered. She’d remembered that post-Valentine’s night this whole time. Moving out of nostalgia he listened to songs that spoke to him directly in the lyrics. Stumblin’ In, Right Down the Line, I Saw the Light. They all told him what he needed to hear. He sat there, unmoving for hours. He rewound and listened to some over, he read her letter again. He finally laid back, Otis Redding in his ears. He looked to the window and the sun was up, he didn’t even know for how long. He stared at the stain on his ceiling, hand to his chest, hearing Star tell him how much she truly did love him through someone else’s words.

“But it seemed so natural darling, that you and I are here. Just talking over cigarettes and drinking coffee. And oh, my whole heart cried out love at last I’ve found you. And honey won't you just let me build my whole life around you?” he let the tears fall. Finally. The warm brass sounds pulled them out of him. He wiped them away, but not denying their existence this time. He sat up, switching off the tape, his ears suddenly cold from being housed in his headphones for hours. He put the papers in his bedside table, somewhere to keep them safe and close to his other prized possessions. He snapped the tape back into the case and put it into his bag. He stretched and took a deep breath, shaking off the anger he’d felt before. He had to go to her. He‘d forgive her and he could take it slow. Music was a love language for Eddie. It was also Star’s. By showing him in a way he could hear and feel, she’d been able to get through to him. He could feel she did love him. There couldn’t be lyrics like that that resonated with her if she didn’t love him. For her, he would try to be patient. He would apologize. He’d probably have to beg and maybe deservedly so. For her, he’d do anything.

Eddie had jumped into the shower, leaving without a word to Wayne, speeding to Star’s house with the tape in the console. To his dismay, she wasn’t there. No one was. Everything was locked and shut. He took the key he had, and let himself in her trailer, there was an old suitcase out, and a letter on the countertop.

“Shit. That’s tomorrow,” he whispered. The parole hearing. “Fuck.” he shouted out in frustration. They’d left early. He’d missed her. Being back in her space made the last words he’d said there smack him in the face. He’d promised her he’d be there for her for that. He felt another wave of nausea. “Oh god I really am an asshole.” he whispered.

Wayne was awake when Eddie returned, another morning just like the last, sipping his coffee on the front porch. He was no stranger to Eddie driving like a maniac. But Eddie leaping from the van and stumbling up the stairs was new.

“You okay?”

“I'm going to Chicago.” he said before disappearing into the house.

“What in the Sam Hill?” Wayne muttered as he followed him inside. “Now?” he followed Eddie to his bedroom, dumping the school contents of his backpack onto the bed and shoving things he’d need for a long drive in. “I didn’t think ya’ll would head out until later, maybe leave before dawn tomorrow.”

“Yeah, neither did I. I’ve been so caught up in being mad at her that I forgot. I didn’t forget I just… I didn’t think about it.”

“So that’s why she’s not been here and you’ve been sulking.” he nodded and took a drink.

“Yeah. We had a big fight. And she wrote me a really sweet letter and apologized and I’m seeing that I’m the asshole in this situation.” he shook his head, scoffing at himself. “I didn’t get it until this morning and I went to her place to apologize and she’s gone. So… I’m going to Chicago.”

“Do you know where to go?”

“I know the name of the prison. I can figure it out.”

“I'll grab a map.” Wayne said, calm amongst Eddie’s chaos. Eddie soon bound into the living room with his bag on his shoulder. “Here.” he handed Eddie a folded-up map. “Just in case.”

“Thanks. I’ll be back sometime Monday afternoon I think. I’ll call if I need to.”

“Take this too,” he said with a fatherly tone, holding out a 50-dollar bill to him. Eddie stared at it for a moment.

“No way, that’s too much. I don’t need that.”

“Take it.” he shook it at him.

“No, that’s too much Wayne, I’ve got gas money, I’m fine.” he insisted. Wayne took it and shoved it into his boy’s pocket.

“You say thank you when people give you things, Eddie. I raised you better than that.”

“Thank you.”

“That’s better.” he grinned and fixed Eddie’s collar. “Mind your manners when you find her, alright?”

“I will.” he nodded. “I”m gonna fix this. I’m gonna come back with her. It’ll be okay. It’ll work. Like you said. Me and her we’re… we’re supposed to be together.”

“C’mere.” Wayne said bringing him in for a hug. Eddie felt small in his father figure’s arms. They didn’t NOT hug, but it wasn’t a daily occurrence by any means. Eddie hugged him back, slow on the draw. Wayne pat his back. “You’re a good man. You’ll figure it out. Plenty of time on the drive to figure out how to beg her forgiveness.” he grinned at him, pulled away, and slapped his shoulder supportively.

“Yeah. Lots of that.”

“You be careful.” he wagged a finger at him. “And remember what I taught you about women. Don't make me look bad.” his tone was serious but he said it with a smile.

“I won’t let you down.” a promise to his uncle and himself.

“You never do.”

-

Eddie drove with Star’s tape blasting, shaking the metal of the van for hours. He cried, screamed, and talked to himself. The long hours of the highway gave him plenty of time to playback everything everyone around him had been saying. He could eat the I told you so’s with a smile if it meant having her back and happy again. He hoped his ego hadn't done irreparable damage.

He drove for hours in the city, finding the prison then seeing the parking wasn’t 24 hours. So he went on another adventure to find overnight parking somewhere. He figured a parking garage with a security guard at the gate was the safest bet to not get carjacked. He took a short walk, some blocks to find a place to eat. He took it back to the van where he played her tape at a much lower volume in his portable stereo not wanting to drain the van battery too much. He ate what might’ve been the best pizza of his life and talked to himself for hours. He had a method to his madness. He practiced apologizing, going over what he might say when he saw her. He tried to cover every retort and response he could think of.

-

Star had one place in mind she wanted to go upon returning to Chicago. She was someone Star’s mom had liked. She was part of the reason her name was Star. Robbie waited outside, not willing to leave Star alone or get involved with any of her hippy-dippy shit. His words.

The place smelled like incense and years of cigarettes. It smelled like home to Star. Through beaded curtains and shimmery drapes, she walked down the floor of stairs and into the small business.

“Would it be to cliche to say I was expecting you?” An older woman with wise eyes and a welcoming demeanor sat at her small round table. The entire space was covered in jewel tones and occult paraphernalia. The neon sign with a palm and the word psychic across the top buzzed and gave a glow to the sacred space.

“Just a little.” Star smiled and was welcomed into the arms of the woman. She was someone she’d sought out during hard times for guidance, especially after her mom had passed. She was a big part of who Star was now.

“Are you okay? I thought you were running when you left? Oh, wait no don’t answer that. You know I like a challenge.” She said spiritedly with her long layers of skirts and shawls flowing with animated arms. “Is this business or pleasure?”

“Both as always.” Star sighed contently and sat in the worn thatch chair across from the whimsical woman.

“Do you want your cards?”

“No, I’ve been doing them a lot and they’ve been very rude.” Star chuckled.

“You’ve kept up your studies?” The woman perked up at the news.

“I’ve never been more into them.”

“But?”

“I still need guidance.”

“Are the cards not clear?”

“Too clear. I kinda wanted to see what my guides had to say. I’m not good at tuning into them and certainly not like you can.”

“They’re annoyed.” She laughed. “Proud and annoyed.”

“Can’t blame them. Things have been weird lately. I’ve been struggling.”

“They’ve been trying to take care of you.” She looked around the room at times and others shut her eyes. Star sat amidst a realm she couldn’t touch yet. “But you’re fighting it. They don’t like being ignored when they work so hard to reach out.”

“I should say it shouldn’t I?” A question vague enough for the woman to not know what she meant. But her guides did.

“A resounding yes.” She nodded. “I’m seeing… two things?” She tilted her head, her eyes narrowing as she tried to see something more clearly. “Whatever these two things are they’re okay. Oh, it’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”

“Good news.”

“They’re showing me…” she held out her two hands as if she were weighing something. “A good thing and a bad thing. They’re not being very clear sorry.”

“Outcomes?”

“No.” She paused.

“Oh, men.” Star nodded. “A good man and a bad man.”

“They seem to be happy with that answer.” “One is being tossed over the shoulder and forgotten. The other..” she giggled. “The other they're acting like they’re kissing something in their hand.” Star laughed.

“Eddie.” She grinned.

“Oh, they like him.” The woman laughed. “Tell me more about this Eddie.” She leaned in like a gossip. “There’s a man in your life already? So soon.” She seemed happy but curious.

“I said the same. I thought he was too good to be true.”

“Smart girl.” She nodded her hand to her chin. “You can ask them about him. They’re open to it.” Star pondered for a moment.

“I know the cards have told me I should be with him. Soul connections and whatnot. We’ve channeled each other before. It’s very intense. Is that all true?”

“There’s a box with a bow. Like a Christmas present.”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh! He’s a gift!” She laughed, amused.

“But am I the same for him? Or am I a lesson for him?”

“Don’t shoot the messenger but I’m being told to tell you to not be stupid.” Star snorted out a laugh.

“I’m trying.” She sighed. “So I should go against all my instincts and go balls deep, deep end of the pool with Eddie? Full in love and believing in soul mates and all that?” Star didn’t look convinced.

“Oh hello, darling.” The woman cooed. Star sensed she wasn’t talking to her. “Yes. Live the life I couldn’t.” The woman sighed. “She was always so sweet, wasn’t she? She loved you so much. Still sacrificing even now to give you good things.” Star softly smiled.

“I miss her.” Star pouted unintentionally.

“She knows.” a warm smile and nod from her mentor to ease her fear.

“I’ll do it for her, I’ll believe in fairy tales.” Star huffed out an uncomfortable laugh and wiped at her cheek.

“Believe in yourself.” The woman confidently said. “Open up your heart. That’s where your higher self is.”

“And becoming my highest self is the goal of this trip, this realm.”

“What scares you most shows you where you need to grow the most. You’re still cynical. For good reason, my dear but letting go of that and trusting the universe will care for you is the next step.”

“Hard to take the next step when you can’t see the stairs” Star sighed and stared at nothing.

“That’s why love is blind, sweetheart. You don’t have to see the stairs to know it’s there.”

-

Eddie set his watch for dawn, not knowing when to expect Star. So, he was going into the prison lot as the workers were. He parked out of the way, not wanting to draw attention to himself. Just being at a prison made him nervous. He thought the weird metal guy sitting in his van alone was suspicious enough, it’d be worse to stand at the gate and wait or be parked in the middle of everyone else and have them stare him down. Again, he waited hours.

9 am was the start of the parole hearings for the day. Like the prisoners, no one else knew when they would be called. So Eddie waited with burning eyes, watching the entry gate. Eventually, Robbie's truck pulled in. He saw him taking up a good portion of the cab and Star with her head against the window. Unlike the last time she had to speak in front of people she looked like herself today. He watched as they pulled in like him, a little out of the way. Eddie got out of the van. Taking a deep breath and then checking it to see just how bad it was. So a stick of gum was shoved into his mouth at the last second.

Star was feeling numb. Only because she was feeling so much she couldn’t compute it anymore. Robbie held her around her shoulders, half comforting and half making sure she didn’t run. She’d been so quiet the whole ride. The whole night in the hotel. She’d barely eaten and the one thing she missed the most about the city was the food.

Robbie saw Eddie before she did. Even his jaded heart lept a little at the site of the goofy guy. His hands were clenching and unclenching, slowly walking away from the entrance and toward them.

“Star?” Robbie said softly to not startle her.

“I’m fine.” She mumbled, still looking at the ground.

“Star.” he demanded again, this time in a deeper voice.

“What?” She said with a tired voice, looking up at Robbie.

“Look who showed up.” He had such a warm smile on his face Star was gobsmacked. Robbie didn’t smile like that. He nodded his head toward the already very apologetic-looking man tentatively approaching her, almost tripping over his feet as he dragged them.

Star turned with a low brow and her eyes landed locked with Eddie’s as if she’d been aiming for them. She stopped moving, involuntarily. Her face fell, mouth dropping open as he approached. She could swear there was a faint ringing in her ears from the shock. Her breath caught in her throat and she felt a wave of tingly ice move across her skin. Robbie stayed by her side as she shakily took steps forward. A sob erupted from her throat, but for the first time in a long time, it was accompanied by a smile. She took another step, another sob rocking her torso. She held her hands out with no shame in her desperation for Eddie who started jogging towards her, his frightened body language switching seamlessly to caregiver. She picked up her pace, leaving Robbie behind as her knees gave out on impact with Eddie’s chest. He lifted her into a hug, her feet leaving the ground and kicking up. She gripped him with white knuckles and sobbed loudly into his chest. He held her as tightly as he could and pressed his face to her hair. His tears fell then too, he didn’t sob like her but his cheeks were wet in the early light just the same. He held her, letting her sob. Ugly choked gut-wrenching sounds left her small body. It was a release she’d needed desperately.

“Man am I glad to see you.” Robbie said with a hand to Eddie’s arm.

“Wouldn’t miss it.” He smiled back, only his wet lashes giving away he was crying too.

“I told you not to give up on this idiot.” Robbie grinned, rubbing Stars back.

She cried something unintelligible.

“You’re gonna have to use your words, kid. Breathe for a second. It’s fine. Your knight in shining armor is here.” There was no ill will towards Eddie for Robbie. He’d known from the moment Star cried about their fight that he’d come back. Eddie wasn’t a quitter. He knew the guy that much. Everyone has fights, and he knew Star was admittedly hard to love sometimes. But she had people around her that were the same way. When you found your people like that you didn’t give up on them. He knew Eddie was one of their people. First loves were intense and these young fools were no exemption to the rules of messing things up when emotions ran high. Robbie's years of experience told him that with time, the two bumbling goobers he had watched fall in love would be just fine.

“I’m here.” He spoke softly in her ear. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“M’Sorry.” She blubbered out as he smiled wide at her pitiful little red face. He took his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped her cheeks then squeezed her snotty nose. She cracked a smile through her quiet tears and took the cloth to clean herself up.

“There she is.” He put his hands to her cheeks. “There’s my pretty girl.” He watched her face screw up into a comedically deep frown as he laughed and kissed her forehead.

“Y-yours?” She shakily breathed in.

“Yes. I’m sorry. Okay? We can talk about it later. Today's about you right?”

Y-yeah.” She nodded.

“Just know I’m here for you, okay? I’m sorry I made you doubt that.”

“Did you get my tape?” She asked with big bright glossy eyes.

“That’s what snapped me out of it. I'm sorry I doubted you. I was just so used to being a secret, a backup plan, a story to tell, you know? But I’m here now. I hope that counts for something.”

“It does.” She said finally losing her quivering voice. “I’ll fight you later, kay?” She gave him a soft smile and she saw a tear fall down his cheek as he beamed down at her, squishing her cheeks and kissing her pooched lips.

“You can hit me with your car if you want, I know you’re good at that.” He joked and got a laugh out of her.

“That would make me feel better.”

“Yeah? It’s a date then.” He kissed her forehead and squeezed her.

“No sex on the first date but murder is okay.” She said into his chest as she felt him warm and laughing around her.

“I missed you so fucking much.” He said pulling her away to kiss her cheek.

“I missed you more.” She admitted with a crooked smile, it and the statement made Eddie’s heart flutter for good reasons now.He kissed her briefly again.

“I’ve got you today alright? Whatever you need I’m your slave. Got it?” He smoothed her hair down and wiped some errant mascara off her cheek.

“Hold my hand and don’t let go until I say.” She stated as her first order. He stood next to her and laced their fingers together. He stood up straight and she mirrors him. He lifted her chin back up.

“Lead the way, boss.” He said with an approving nod, holding his free hand out for her to take the lead.

They sat on the uncomfortable wooden bench outside the room for hours. Star had her headphones on for a good part of it, Eddie sat next to her, only breaking their handhold to put his arm around her and take her hand with his other. She’d fallen asleep on him, he’d been stroking her hair and rubbing her back and she’d fallen into the missed lull of safety only he could bring her. Eddie looked down at her for the longest time, smiling and kissing her head.

The woman across from them watched them with an adoring smile.

“She have to speak against someone too?” She asked, giving the information that she too was there for the same reason.

“Yeah,” Eddie said softly, rubbing Star's arm.

“First time?”

“Yeah.” He nodded again.

“She’s lucky to have you “ she gave a sad smile.

“Nah.” He shook his head and chuckled. “I’m lucky she puts up with me.” He said wholeheartedly.

“You’re the boyfriend then?” The woman grinned. Eddie paused, his mouth open trying to figure out how to answer that.

“He is,” Robbie answered. “More like the husband.” He smirked from behind his magazine. The woman looked over at him in surprise as he joined the conversation. “I’m her older brother.” He added to give context. Eddie had blushed at Robbie's words. “I’m here for moral support since I dealt with her going through this the first time around with her piece of shit ex.”

“Ah yes. Same here. She reminded me of me my first time back here.” She gave Star a sad smile even though she couldn’t see it. “It won’t be so hard next time.” She said kindly, looking to Eddie. “It won’t be easy but there’s a fear that first time.” She shook her head. “You don’t get the same fear after that.” She sighed. “If she can get through putting him in there she can do anything. Remind her of that when she needs it.”

“Thanks,” Eddie said softly to not wake her. “I never know what to say because I can’t relate you know? It’s hard to understand sometimes.”

“Because you’re a man.” The woman chuckled. “No offense, but you can’t understand what it’s like dealing with a man like that unless you’re a woman. There are certain things you just can’t understand. It’s something that makes us different.” She shrugged. “The world is different for us. It’s harder in ways you don’t have to deal with. Just be there for her, listen to her. Believe her.”

“That’s what I plan on doing.” it was Eddie’s turn for a sad smile as he thought about how he’d failed her.

The woman let out a content sigh. A small sign of hope in the young couple.

She came and went before them, Star waking up as the doors opened and the next was called. She’d turned to read the list she’d written. She didn’t know if she’d stick to it, not knowing how she would react when she saw him. But she felt better to have it. There were only bullet points and words on the page, they didn’t make much sense to Eddie. It was funny, it was a list of reminders of the most heinous things he’d done to her. And he couldn’t understand a word of it. He would understand far more than he bargained for very soon.

The next steps ensued, the warning call of the name. Her standing by the door waiting to be let in. Her hand trembled in Eddie’s and he squeezed it tight.

“I’m gonna throw up.” She whispered.

“No, you’re not. You’ve got this.”

“What if I can’t?”

“You can. I know you can. You can do anything.” He meant every word and she felt it.

“You had to put that bastard in there last time,” Robbie said from her other side. “This time he’s already in. You’re just helping keep him there.”

She nodded and took a deep breath. The door started to open.

The funniest thought she had walking into the room to sit at one of three tables in a rather anti-climatic conference room, was that orange looked terrible on him. She wasn’t in any spot to chuckle about it, but seeing him and not feeling fear or conditioned attraction made her feel a huge wave of relief. Part of her was worried she’d fall under his spell as soon as she saw him again. But she stood a little straighter feeling the old her slipping away.

Eddie was flabbergasted at the guy. He didn’t know what he’d expected, but it hadn’t been this. This guy was very possibly the best-looking guy he’d ever seen in real life. He had two realizations, one, he understood why a 16-year-old girl would fall for whatever he said, and two, he looked nothing like Eddie. They both had dark hair, that was it. This man had hair that hit about his ears, swooping back thick and shiny. His eyes were a soul-piercing blue and stood out like some lich king around his dark lashes and brown skin. He had a jaw that could cut glass and a strong nose that suited his intense appearance.

He didn’t look in the guys' direction much, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, Bobby's eyes were only set on Star.

They all three sat down at a table as his name and charges were read.

“We have Florence Reynolds. The plaintiff in the case that sentenced him to prison.”

Eddie’s brow lowered, confused, and looking at Star who didn’t flinch. He turned to look at Robbie and he nodded. Eddie hadn’t know Star's real name.

There were formalities. Name stating and the relationship to the prisoner. She was asked to stand and did so without stumbling or projectile vomiting across the room. She considered that a win.

“As she said I’m Florence, I go by Star.”

“I always like Flo better.” Bobby smirked.

“Please refrain until she’s done speaking.” The woman who was calling out the formalities said and gave Star the nod to continue.

“I’m Star.” She stated again just for the reason of making him hear it again. “I was the victim of Bobby, as I knew him. He was found to have a narcissistic personality disorder and one we now both share, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’ve been in extensive therapy since leaving the violent and manipulative relationship I had with him. My therapist has given me many diagnoses that affect my life every day because of the mental, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and physical abuse I endured while with him. I was only 15 when we met for the first time. A minor and a child. He was over a decade my senior and I believe that speaks to how he chooses his victims. If you let him out he will do it again. I know this because after I left him he did the same thing to one of my peers. He told them I was trying to get back with him and she believed him. That’s how I got the scar on my head, from a brick the girl and her friends hit me with. After a fire was set to the outdoor area of the school where I was knocked unconscious, I got these.” She held up her arm. “I have these and had to go through painful surgeries and physical therapy on top of mental therapy because of this inmate in front of you. I hesitate to call him a man because I don’t believe he’s human after the things he did to me and my family.” She put the paper down and took a deep breath, Eddie put his foot next to hers, she could feel it. She put her hand on the table, fingertips brushing the surface and she felt Eddie’s with its signature cold rings slide into hers. “He will tell you whatever you want to hear to get his way. That's what he does. He can act however the situation calls for. He'll lie and pretend and he’s so good at it that you won’t know it. Which is what I know is happening here. I went from a young teen who wanted nothing more than to be loved and dance with her friends on the weekends. I turned into a shadow of myself, alone and isolated and turning to drugs to make it through the day. He made me need them by tearing me down piece by piece for years and then supplied me with the drugs. He assured that I wouldn’t go anywhere. Control and isolation were his end goals. He framed me for stealing from my brother who knew of the trouble I was in and had warned me from the start about Bobby. But I didn’t listen because Bobby told me everything I ever wanted to hear and made me dependent on him for everything. Before I was able to escape I would be locked in our apartment with no key and no phone. He took my money and at one point my shoes so I couldn’t leave. As I said he made it look like I stole from my brother, both money and material possessions that belong to our mother. Robbie believed him and gave up on me. He thought I was a lost cause. This is what Bobby wanted. I was truly alone. He proceeded to keep me in the apartment after getting me fired from my job. I escaped by smashing a window and leaving via a fire escape. I made my way to Robbie where I told him the truth and seeing the state I was in and that I was sober he believed me. Without him, I wouldn’t have escaped. He had to physically defend me and himself to retrieve a few prized possessions I had left from my apartment, that’s when the original assault charge started. With that, I told everything to the cops, and trauma dumping as they asked me what happened, they took me to the station and asked if I wanted to press charges to which I said yes. I hope you believe me and the court's decision that he isn’t fit for public life. I hope you don’t make the same mistake I did and believe his lies. I hope you don’t force more women to be victims like I was by letting him free.” She nodded and sat, looking at the surface of the table in front of her and breathing through her nose. She’d done it.

“The board will take a recess to make a decision.” Was announced. Bobby was staring, unwavering at Star.

“You’ve looked better, Flo Jo.” The man smirked, spread legs, and sat back in his chair. Star met his eyes, glaring. “Was I so bad I turned you into a dyke? Who is this?” He laughed nodding at Eddie.

“It is a priviledge you get to stay out here while they deliberate. That can be taken away just as quickly.” The woman snapped as the officer standing off the side took a step forward.

“We’re just talkin',” he said with a smug face. Eddie and Star's hands were both shaking now. “This your boyfriend? That’s cute.” He looked them over. “Did she tell you what she told the courts that I did to her?” He asked sucking his teeth. “I didn’t do it of course.” He raised a brow. “But if you’d heard the things she told them you wouldn’t be able to hold her hand right now I’ll tell you that. She’s a dirty… filthy little girl aren’t ya Flo?” He winked.

“Robert! Last chance.” The woman says having the officer approach him.

“Nothing she doesn’t know. Don’t worry. I’m good.” He said with his hands up in cuffs.

With a united front of indifference, they didn’t give him the reaction he was hoping for. Nothing upsets a narcissist more than seeing they don’t have control over you anymore.

“Thank you ma’am it’s fine,” Star said as calmly as a glass lake. “He's trying to get a rise out of me.” She rolled her eyes and blinked lazily.

“You too good now?” He laughed. “You ran away from your home just like you do your problems and you think you’re too good for me now? That it?” He kept it lined with a huff of laughter to not seem angry and stay in the room to try to mess with her. “I hope you’ve your fun with Mr. Trianon over there because once he finds out what you’ve done he’s gone, baby girl.” He threw his head back and laughed. “I don’t know how she’s not the one locked up in here man. She's done some wiiiild stuff with me, my man. She’s a good time. Especially when you get a few drinks in her. I’ll give her that… but save ya some time and let me tell ya, that kitty cat ain’t worth it. If ya catch my drift.” He snickered and leaned into the table, despite being far away. They all three gave him a stone wall in response. They could see him get angrier, nostrils flaring. “You’re really gonna be with that pile of damaged goods?” He went for hurting them both again. “He must be as pathetic as you if he knows how messed up you are and he’s still with you.”

Star raised her hand to the woman who opened her mouth to stop him. “He’ll tire himself out eventually.” Another wave of reddened face from the handcuffed monster.

“You can’t talk to me like that alright? Just because I’m in here. You aren’t better than me now little Flo Jo. These?” He raised his hands in cuffs. “Don’t mean anything alright? They don’t make you right. They don’t make you okay now. Because I know you, Flo. I KNOW you.” He leaned in as far as he could and glared. “And you’re always gonna be that stupid little girl. The one with a sick mommy who can’t do anything right. You were born stupid that’s not your fault.” He lashed out. Star held a finger up as the woman caught on to what was happening. “Your mother was stupid for fuckin around with those queers and gettin' sick. She knew better, and so should you. But it never stopped ya. Your daddy was the only smart one because he got a jimmy free ride off ya mom and left!” He laughed again, deep and menacing, eyes growing slightly erratic.

“When you’ve said the same thing so many times it becomes boring.” Star responded, a perfectly timed yawn appearing afterward.

“There’s the mouth. There’s that smart mouth again, eh?” He nodded. “This guy isn’t hittin' you enough.” He growled. Star saw the door the deliberations were happening behind start to open and she smiled. “You’ve gotta keep this bitch in line. If not she’ll think she runs the place. She’s got a bad attitude and no respect, you need to remind her of what a little fuck up she is. How everything she’s touched has turned to shit. She’ll take your money, she’ll fuck your best friend then have the nerve to cry about it when you hit her for it. You gotta hold her down and-“

“I think we’ve heard enough to make our decision.” The man speaks as Bobby jumps and turns with wide eyes.

“You’re back just in time. She’s been out here trying to make me mad this whole time! It’s like I said before, check the papers, she’s a lying little snot. She’ll push you to the edge until you pop.” He rushed out to place the blame on anyone else.

“Ms. Reynolds thank you for your time we know this wasn’t easy. We appreciate your candid nature and you’ll be happy to hear we agree with you. The board will not be granted parole. The case will be revisited in 5 years' time.”

“FIVE YEARS? You fucking kidding me with shit?” He shouted as he was being stood up and moved away. “You did this to me Flo! Look what you turned me into! You’re taking a man’s life away here!”

Star stayed sat until he was gone, his voice fading behind a now closed door.

“Thank you.” She said with a nod and stood.

“I'm sorry for him speaking to you like miss. But I believe you knew how he’d respond and it seemed to work in your favor today. I'm glad.” The woman with a very sharp and cold suit said but he eyes were warm.

“Thank you, ma’am. The one good thing to come from all my therapy is I know what makes men like him tick now. It’s not hard to upset them.”

“Good luck. Enjoy the rest of your time in the city. ” She nodded and gathered her files. Onto the next one.

-

Not a word was spoken as they walked out of the prison. Eddie had so much information thrown at him so quickly he felt like the words were falling out of his ears.

The early afternoon sun hung high but not harshly over the drab grounds of the prison. Star stepped out feeling the familiar wind on her face and in her hair. It was at its longest she couldn’t ever recall it being, a grown-out choppiness with a few of her home-style cuts in the mix. Breaching the gate she walked calmly until she reached Robbie's truck where she slowed to a stop. The two men trailed behind her, letting her set the pace for the next move. Eddie moved beside her to observe but not disrupt. He couldn’t help but be compelled to treat her like she was fragile. She had every right to be. Plus, focusing on her needs let him ignore the avalanche of epiphanies and questions the last hour had brought down on him.

She closed her eyes and took in a chest-rising breath she felt into her toes. A single tear tan down her cheek to meet the corner of her mouth that curled into a smile. Her closed lips were tight before she turned them in to chew at them for a moment. Fluttering her eyes open she released her second audibly exhale. She turned, knowing she should address her support system. She didn’t meet their eyes, mouth opening to speak before she tilted her head, brows rising and falling as she tried to pick which words to come out of her mouth like a ball being plucked from a bingo cage. That’s how her brain felt anyway, rattled and spinning. She didn’t know how she felt, she knew it was good but, it didn’t feel real.

She decided to meet Eddie first, he knew she had on her thinking face. It always made his hands want to mush her cheeks with the way her lips pouted and her nose took on a bunny-like characterization. He mirrored her loss of words, both blinking as if they were trying to remember how to speak.

The silence stretched over a minute. After which Robbie decided to be the adult and guide them in a direction. Any direction.

“You two have a lot to talk about.” Both a factual statement and a jab at how they were looking at each other like fish out of water. He put a hand on both their backs, putting them both into the shade with his large silhouette. “I assume you’re gonna drive back with Eddie?” He asked with a gentle tone.

Star had been looking up at Robbie like she had when she was small and listening to his advice, eyes full of trust and awe. They quickly flicked to Eddie’s as he too looked away and to her.

“I’d like that.” He stuttered out, leaning forward a little nervously. “If you want to. That is.” He nodded and looked away leaning back again with his chin pressed into his neck. This decision came much faster and not to mention easier as she nodded before affirming with words to accompany it.

“Yeah. I’d like that.” She looked down with the same bashfulness and took his hand into hers.

“Are you gonna stay up here a while or get on back?”

“We’ve got school tomorrow we should just get back.”

“Eat first,” Robbie instructed.

“Oh right.” Star became aware of the painful empty feeling in her stomach. For once it was from a physical cause and not an emotional one. “That okay?” She asked Eddie.

“Whatever you want.” He nodded with high brows.

With that Robbie wrapped her up as she smiled into his shoulder.

“Proud of you kid. You should be too.” He kissed her cheek and she pouted, almost tearing up again. “Shush you know I love you don’t make me say it.” He grinned and shoved her shoulder to knock off her balance. With the order to drive safely and not be stupid, Eddie and Star found themselves side by side in his van again. It felt like months they’d been apart. Both scrambled to recall the last time they’d been in his van together.

“You need to talk about it?” He asked before turning on the van. Star shook her head and looked at him with a subtle smile.

“Not yet. I’m still processing it. It’s not hit me yet. Not really. It’s been a hell of a week, I don’t think my brain's caught up yet.” She huffed out a quiet laugh.

“It really has.” They both stared at nothing, eyes out toward the front of the van. “I’m sorry, you know. For… everything. For me and this today and just..” he sighed.

“It’s okay.” She put her hand on his arm. “We have all the time in the world to talk about it now don’t we?” She said with hopeful eyes. He put his hand to hers in his arm. He gave her a smile that showed his dimples and she softened even more. He took her hand into his and kissed it.

“Yeah, we do.” It was a tender moment they both needed. A moment of recognition and reprieve.

“But food first.” Star said seriously then she shifted into a light-hearted smile.

“Of yeah duh, obviously. Food first. Always.”

-

PART 22

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If you enjoyed it, reblogs, likes and comments help IMMENSELY.

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Here's the playlist for the mixtape mentioned in the chapter if you're interested.

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Tag List:

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[ja3gerb0mbb]

bloodsucker chapter 15: reconciliation

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

word count: 3.3k

content warnings: none

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“jean, i think i might actually die,” i threw my fists onto my eyes; applying pressure to them. as if i wasn’t drowning in schoolwork before; i was now with the extra four classes i took on. making up work for the content i missed meant that i barely had time for any form of social life. 

he looked up from his textbook, “well, this is what you get for trying to finish two years of college in one.” for the past few weeks, jean had become my rock. the confidant i could tell all my vampire problems to. he also made a good study partner because he didn’t bother me as i worked. “yeah, i know.”

the visit with grisha was still fresh in my mind. like it was just yesterday eren and i went to the mansion. my anxiety was topped with the end of the semester work. it was easy to run away to germany with eren; but the reality of getting there was back-breaking. eren only had to take a couple extra classes to finish by the end summer, but i had to double it. 

on the drive home that night, we figured we might as well get our degrees. even though we truly didn’t need them; it felt like the right way to tie up our lives here with. at least, at the time it seemed like a smart choice. “i can’t believe you guys are really doing this, though,” jean grabbed my attention back, closing his book as i shut off my laptop. a quick break won’t hurt anyone. 

“i can’t either. but we’ve got it all planned out.” a smile i couldn’t hide appeared on my face. thinking of the life i had ahead with eren made all the work worth it. i knew the fear of grisha would follow us; but we hoped he himself wouldn’t. “did you plan to leave all of us behind?” jean joked, but his face was concerned. 

i laughed at him, “no, we planned that too. as long as grisha is away from shiganshina, it’s easy enough to visit you guys. and my dad.” with zeke as our ‘mole’ everything worked out perfectly. too perfectly. eren kept telling me i was paranoid; maybe i should start listening to him. i hoped the nerves would start to settle after finalizing the move.

his mood perked up instantly, “wait really?” his voice had gone a bit higher. i nodded my head. “i’m just glad you’re happy. eren too. i watched as vampirism took over his life, i was worried it would happen with you,” his features dipped back into a twinge of sadness. memories haunted both of us. 

but jean was right. i was happy like this. it might’ve been eren, or the vampirism, but it didn’t matter. i adjusted well and quickly, the amplified changes made everything easier. it was comforting having eren go through it with me. he made the biggest difference. sometimes i felt like nothing was even real; like i was in a coma and this was all just a dream. 

the door to my room swung open with a loud thud, drawing me out of my thoughts, “hey slut!” connie squealed, pitching his voice to sound like a girl. he jumped from his spot in the doorframe, tackling my sitting body to the floor completely.

i was aware of the pressure his body weight put on me, but it didn’t register as being painful. “do you really have to tackle me every time you see me?” i complained. he lifted himself above me, extending his arms to read my face, “course i do!” he said it like it was obvious.

sasha stood a few paces behind us, “we’re going to the beach,” she interrupted, high pitch in her tone. in a swift movement connie jumped off of me, standing on his own feet again. going over to jean, he ruffled his hair, earning a hard slap to the arm from him, “cut it out,” jean bit. 

they didn’t distract me for long, “no way, we’re literally balls deep in finals.” the workload was so heavy, i don’t think i could even have fun without feeling guilty about it. i really am starting to regret this. connie started snickering,  “your boyfriend’s waiting in the car.” he continued to torment me with kissing noises; but the mention of eren was all i needed to ditch my studies. 

“kay, fine, but we can’t stay long,” i heaved a sigh, showing dramatics to guilt trip sash and connie. jean gave a light hearted scoff, “what were you saying about finals?” rolling my eyes, i hit his shoulder hard as i quickly leapt up from my spot on the hard floor. 

i didn’t wait for any of them to catch up as i made my way down the apartment complex; running towards eren’s car as soon as i spotted it. throwing the car door open, i all but jumped in, skipping over the center console to be closer to eren. 

eren’s face lit up, eyes glinting. he pushed my body back slightly with the force of his own, cupping my face as he pressed a kiss into my lips. i melted into him easily; the feeling of eren comfortably familiar now. he opened his mouth wide, trying to suck as much of me in as he could. a smile tugged on my lips at his desperation, causing him to pull back. 

he scanned my face, then trailed down my body. making sure i was still in tact, “i missed you so much, pretty.” he pulled my face to him again, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. i couldn’t hold back my giggle; just happy to see him, “stop with the pet names,” i complained but the butterflies were strongly present in my stomach. i couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, either. 

a shuffling in the back seat caused my head to turn. i faced armin, features slightly scrunched in awkwardness. i looked away, hiding my embarrassment, “sorry armin, didn’t even know you were here,”

eren laughed viciously, “armin don’t pull the uncomfortable act, you were doing the same with annie.” armin’s face lit up a bright red, his eyes going wide. “what? no- i wasn’t!” he tripped over his words; trying to profess an innocence i didn’t have to see to know was false. “okay, freak your shit armin,” i butted in, watching his face turn impossibly redder. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

jean waved a bucket of fries in my face, “you sure you don’t want any?” i pulled my body away from the stench, further into eren's body. his legs closed around my torso, holding me tighter at my movement. “it’s really not funny,” i pushed jean’s hand away. armin and mikasa were huddled on a different set of blankets, exchanging a look at my refusal. 

it was moments like this that proved to me it was a good idea to run away with eren. our closest friends were already getting suspicious of my behavior. eren stroked through my hair with his fingers; futile as the wind kept blowing it in every direction. 

mikasa shivered, “why the hell did we go to the beach, anyway?” her teeth jittered lightly. i was thankful my body kept me from feeling most of the chill. eren pointed to the shoreline; where sasha and connie splashed each other in the ocean, “it was connie’s idea.”

“we need to stop listening to him,” armin's head shook. mikasa raised the bottle of vodka in her hand and took another shot from it. she extended it to me after. i stared at it for a few seconds before looking over at eren. he had a small smirk on his face; knowing i would never get drunk again. despite that fact, i raised it to my lips and took a long swallow from the bottle. 

the liquid was warm going down my throat. but only for a second as my body seemed to neutralize the heat. the normally sour sting of vodka was amplified; almost unbearable. i brought the bottle back down and scrunched my features together. armin laughed, “i’m not the only lightweight anymore, huh.”

skipping over eren, i passed it to jean, “can it, i’ll catch back up soon.” i tried to keep the frown from showing, knowing that i would never catch up. the taste was subsiding, and there were no other signs that i had even consumed alcohol. mikasa stood from their towel, grabbing it up as armin followed, “we’re gonna warm up by the cars,” she wrapped it around her body, hiding the shiver. 

“‘kay, we’ll wrap up here soon,” eren responded before tying his hands to my body again. jean laid back on his towel as his shivers subsided with the alcohol, “so you really can’t get drunk?” 

“nope,” i sighed my answer, leaning into eren further. 

“damn, that must really suck,” he smirked, exchanging a glance at me, then eren. connie and sasha had emerged from the water, their screams becoming less muffled as they approached. connie broke into a sprint, heading towards jean. he was already laughing in preparation, before shaking his body violently; dripping all of the ocean water on jean.  

jean jumped up immediately, “fucking asshole!” he yelled, already beginning to chase a fleeing connie. sasha giggled as she ran after them; arms held out to jean. my chest heaved with a laugh, bumping up against eren’s, “dumbasses.” 

laying my head flat on his chest, my phone ringing caused me to retract it right back. 

(xxx)-929-6785:

could we meet at the cafe?

my eyebrows furrowed, and i could feel eren lurch in curiosity behind me. “the fuck?” i muttered lightly, more to myself. i knew who that number belonged to; even if i didn’t have it saved anymore. why would she be texting me? 

“who is it?” eren laid his hand over my shoulder; to offer comfort, or draw me out of my thoughts, i wasn’t sure. “it’s historia?” i mumbled again in confusion, but eren heard it. i held my phone screen so he could read the message; i felt him stiffen slightly. “you should go,” he was confident, barely had to think about it. 

his grip on my shoulder squeezed in reassurance. i knew he was right; and i would regret not meeting with her. but i couldn’t help but feel like i was fifteen again; insecure and cleaning to the comfort of historia. no, i thought, i’m not doing it for that. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

i stood outside of the coffee shop an hour later, hesitating to go in. eren waited in the parking lot, it would be easy enough to go back. i wasn’t going to pass up this opportunity, though, and that thought is what let me open the doors and walk in. 

her blonde hair was easy to spot, she looked over to me almost immediately. a hesitant smile was on her face, unsure if she should even be smiling. it was weird to see that expression directed towards me; it had been so long since we had really looked at each other. she didn’t have any coffee in front of her, just her hands that were intertwined with each other. 

i sat down opposite her, mimicking her facial expressions. just as unsure as she was. we made awkward eye contact again, “hey,” my tone was quiet, not sure of what to say. her lip twitched, “i wanted to reach out, when hitch told me about the break in, but.. it just felt false.”

historia seemed somewhat nervous, spouting words without really thinking them through. i didn’t know what to say, so i nodded instead. we both looked at each other uncomfortably again. it was hard to believe we had once been inseparable; now we passed for two strangers. “i, um- i’m really sorry,” she began again, stuttering over her words with uncertainty. 

“for what?” i couldn’t help but probe. there was a lot for us to apologize for, but i wondered what part of the story historia was even sorry for. maybe this was a bad idea. “for sleeping with porco,” her tone was finally definitive. definitely a bad idea. hearing those words caused me to pick at my cuticles. it didn’t bring me any relief, as my skin stitched itself together quickly. 

i sighed, “that’s really not what i need an apology for,” i said it quietly. suddenly, i was submissive in her presence. like i still had something to show for. each of us stood still, breathing audibly, “why now? we’ve been going to sina together for two years?”

she shrugged, somehow still making the action look delicate, “i heard you might be transferring. didn’t want a stone to go unturned.” i couldn’t gauge how that made me feel. i guess i should be happy she didn’t want me to leave without a resolution? after we move, i likely won’t see historia again. how does that make me feel? i still couldn’t decipher it. “how do you know?”

“it’s obvious when you pick up extra classes at the end of the year,” she humorlessly laughed. if i didn’t know her any better, i’d say she was hurt. it made it even more apparent that i shouldn’t mend the friendship we once had. “guess so,” shrugging, i looked away from her gaze. 

historia sucked in a breath, “but i am sorry.. for everything that went down between us, it’s all my fault.” it was easy to believe her; but i wasn’t naive. does this mean she truly did love me all those years? i couldn’t bring myself to ask. “it isn’t all your fault, but i forgive you,” i tried to keep my voice steady. 

hearing that from historia finally felt like a book closing. i felt like i could finally move on from that chapter in my life. i got up from the booth, ready to return back to my present life. “hey, y/n?” historia pulled me back in, still seated, “are we ever going to talk again?”

my steps faltered, the words sounding weird coming from her, “i don’t think so, no.” maybe if my life was different, i would run back to historia. instead, i took my leave to the exit, making my way back to eren. 

the cold air was comforting; i hadn’t realized how stuffy i had gotten in that booth. there was a small pressure gone from my back. the little bit of historia i had always carried around with me. i was happy for the closure; it made the move a definite choice. nothing was really keeping me here any longer. 

opening the door to eren’s car, i sat down, somewhat shell shocked. i was still absorbing the conversation; still taking all of it in. i was sure myself a year ago would be jumping for joy, and running back into hisotira’s comforting arms. “how’d it go?” eren broke the silence, tone walking on eggshells around me. i shrugged, unsure of how to unravel it to him. “that bad, huh?” he laughed through his nose. 

“it wasn’t bad, i just don’t know how to feel,” it was the truth. i couldn’t make sense of the emotions stirring in my stomach. “are you glad you listened to me?” he mocked, a goofy smile spreading on his face. i pushed his shoulder; which he didn’t budge from. 

i rolled my eyes, moving my neck with them, “i hate that you’re phrasing it like that, but yeah.” eren pulled the gear shift down into drive, “i have something that’ll brighten your mood.” his hand found mine, interlocking our fingers, and giving my palm a squeeze. “what?” i tried to fight the smile on my face. 

“it’s a surprise,” he dragged the words out, taunting me. “come on, just tell me!” eren turned his focus on navigating the road, already starting to tune my pleas out, “it’s not a telling-thing… trust me you’ll want to see it.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

the blindfold eren tied to me was beginning to irritate me. “is it ready yet?” i asked, although i could still hear his fingers clicking on the laptop. i heard him grunt, and i knew he was rolling his eyes, “i don’t understand how you have so little patience.” his hand pushed against my back, throwing me off-kilter. 

i groaned, “i don’t like being blindfolded.” eren’s breath grazed the side of my neck “really?” he whispered in my ear. a shiver went down my spine, and i clenched my legs together to hide the reaction before pushing him back with my elbow. “okay, fine. done,” he chuckled. 

eren pulled the blindfold off, tussling my hair in the process. i didn’t have time to fix it, eyes focusing on his laptop screen in front of me. “eren, what is that,” although, i already knew the answer. it was a cottage; similar to the cabin he took me to. it was quaint; but cozy. the exterior was covered in lush vines, and it was surrounded by what looked like acres of empty land. 

“it’s a house. our house actually,” i peeked over at him. he was already staring into my eyes, a satisfied smile on his face. “OUR house?” my tone was obnoxiously confused. it was obvious we would need a house.. but eren took the time to find one himself. a perfect one; and it would be ours. the feeling was so surreal i couldn’t begin to describe it. 

eren laughed at my reaction, wrapping his hands around my waist and fiddling with my skin underneath my clothes, “well, yeah as long as you like it.” i flipped through more of the pictures, looking at the interior. the rooms were old fashioned; down to the kitchen appliances. “i love it.” 

the photos showed a closer view of the land around it, “there’s enough room for farmland, so we can own animals.” the next was a picture of a small brown barn. i couldn’t keep the smile off my face imagining what life would be like there, “really?” i still couldn’t believe it. “mhm,” he mumbled, a goofy grin still glued to his face. 

“are there vampires in germany?” i hadn’t thought about it. i suddenly wondered if we were trading in grisha for a worse masochist. “i can only assume so. but grisha was too caught up with the vampires here that he never cared to venture out,” it didn’t bring me much comfort. 

i turned my body to face eren fully, “it’s perfect,” i whispered, bringing my face closer to his. our lips connected, and his grip on my waist tightened. he picked up my body to position myself on his lap; i opened my mouth allowing his tongue to enter mine.

my hands traced up his body, stopping to grip his moving jawline. his hands made their way up my shirt, two fingers squeezing my nipple. i pulled back from him, letting out a soft moan. the thought hit me then, “what if you get tired of me?” i couldn’t help but voice it. 

his features turned serious in an instant, “i won’t,” he answered immediately, and confidently. when i thought about it, i hadn’t known eren for that long. it doesn’t matter, my mind contradicted. “you can’t know that.”

“i can,” he pulled his hand from underneath my shirt, cupping my cheeks while squeezing them lightly. “you’ve been on my mind longer than you know.. i’m not going to get tired of you,” i wasn’t quite sure what he meant, but it warmed my heart anyway. like a natural reaction.

i nodded, “i’m more worried you’ll get tired of me,” eren laughed, squeezing my cheeks even harder, squishing my lips together. “impossible,” i giggled, shaking off his grip. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

spotify playlist

[timebranded]

His father had gone out to pick up some herbs, which left Lucas alone in the shop for once. He hadn’t wanted to come along; going out in the daytime had become almost overwhelming for him as of late. He found himself regretting his choice to stay home anyway. At least he wouldn’t be worrying about what happened last night.

Did someone see? He sure hoped not; in that chaos of what had happened, he liked to think that he had slipped away with little issue. All the same, something nagged at the back of his mind, telling him that someone had seen him. While he couldn’t be certain if it was truly his intuition or just the result of his overactive mind, the thought wouldn’t leave him be.

In an effort to distract himself, he chose to throw himself into his books. If nothing else, he could at least update his notes. One doesn’t become an apothecary by not taking notes on what kind of herbs did what.

Lucas’ studies were interrupted by a knock at the door. He ignored it at first; anyone looking at the sign would know that the shop was closed for today. Maybe this visitor didn’t see the sign yet, and would walk away soon enough.

Apparently not; the stranger not only lingered, but decided to knock on the door two more times. By the third time, Lucas had become fed up and stood.

“Hey,” he called as he approached the door. He knew the door wasn’t soundproof, the stranger could absolutely hear what he was saying. “Can’t you read the sign? We’re closed for today, you’ll have to come back tomorrow if you really need something done-”

Lucas cut himself off as he actually opened the door. Even upon getting a good look at the stranger’s face, he reflexively shut the door.

Two things occurred to Lucas in that moment.

First: that was Aevus at the door. The court mage, the one that hosted that stupid event in the first place. Not only was he famous for his use of time magic, he was also said to be a talented tactician. Between his strategic mind and the might of the Royal Guard, many people felt that very few could actually threaten the kingdom.

The second thing Lucas realized was that he had just slammed the door in Aevus’ face.

Slowly, he opened the door again and peered out. Mercifully, Aevus was still standing patiently. Other than a raised eyebrow and crossed arms, there was no way of telling what Aevus could have been thinking.

“Um,” Lucas stammered. “I-I’m so sorry. I wasn’t expecting any visitors, especially not one like you. Not to say I’m not honored-!”

Aevus let himself in. He wasn’t alone; he was followed in by an armored fellow. That particular suit of armor marked him as a member of the Royal Guard - he was probably there in case Aevus got into trouble.

“You can relax,” Aevus said, turning to Lucas with a polite smile. “I’ll say it right now; you’re not in any trouble.”

Despite Aevus’ words, Lucas found it incredibly hard to relax. There was an intensity in the air that the court mage seemed to bring with him; whether it was because of his magical strength or something else, it made it near impossible for Lucas to be anything but tense.

“I hope you’ll forgive me saying so, but I find that hard to believe,” Lucas said, eyes flickering towards the knight. He seemed content to just stand by the doorway. “It’s not every day we get a visit from the court mage, after all. And a member of the Royal Guard, if I’m not mistaken? If you’re looking for my father, he’s out gathering herbs-”

“I was looking for you, actually.”

The words filled Lucas with dread; he could practically envision what Aevus was about to say next. Sure enough, Aevus took a moment to observe Lucas before continuing, “I saw what you did back in the Mage’s Tourney. Are you aware that was time magic?”

It took everything Lucas had to not respond with a sarcastic comment. The man somehow saw him completely reverse a whole awning's collapse…and he chose to not only state the obvious, but to phrase it like he was talking down to him? “Are you looking down on me? Of course I know that was time magic.”

At least Aevus had the courtesy to realize the weight of his words.

“My apologies, I hadn’t meant to…” He trailed off, and for the first time he seemed almost awkward. That was a surprising sight from the man that seemed so stoic and self-assured before.

“My point is, I’d like to know how you came to learn that kind of magic,” Aevus said. “Dialga is rather…picky with who he imparts his wisdom to.”

“I actually don’t know how I learned it,” Lucas admitted. He placed a hand on his arm - he could feel it tingle. “All I know is that I got hit by something, and ever since then…”

“Where were you struck?”

“My arm.”

“May I see?”

Lucas complied; he pushed his right sleeve up so that Aevus could get a good look at his arm. The scar stretched from the back of his hand to his elbow. Maybe it would be more accurate to describe the scar as a mark - his arm looked more like one of those bowls that had been glued together with some kind of paint. He couldn’t recall the name of that particular art.

Aevus carefully traced a finger over the scar. “Well, this is indeed temporal energy you were struck by. A very strong blast of it, too. That you survived is a miracle in itself.”

He circled around the boy. “Is that scar the only physical change? You don’t feel any older or younger than you should be?”

“Well…people always tell me I look younger than I am. That said, I don’t feel any different.”

“Have people told you this before you got the scar?”

“Yeah.”

“In that case, I’d say you haven’t aged any.” Aevus stopped his circling and looked at Lucas. “Count yourself blessed in that respect; such a blast could have easily aged you sixty years.”

“Great. Nice to know I miraculously dodged being eighteen going on eighty.” The comment seemed to burst out of Lucas’ mouth without warning. Aevus seemed to take it in stride, though; in fact, he thought he could hear something like a chuckle coming from the mage.

“Now, have there been any other changes? Any other scars, or things that have changed since the incident?”

“Well, now that you mention it…I’ve been pretty sensitive to light. I mean, more sensitive than I was before. Is that normal?”

Aevus paused. “That depends. Have you started seeing colors around every living thing as well?”

When Lucas nodded his assent, Aevus hummed, “Interesting. That’s actually an indicator of a different kind of ability. Perhaps the temporal energy awakened that trait in you.”

“What do you mean, a different kind of ability?!” Lucas cried. “It’s not enough that I can apparently use time magic, but something else is going on with me?!”

“Calm down,” Aevus assured him. “What you are sensing is called Aura. It’s actually very common in certain circles of magic. I’d be more surprised if you didn’t sense this kind of thing, considering what you’ve been through.”

“Does that include time magic?”

“As a matter of fact, yes,” Aevus answered. “I can sense it as well.”

Lucas had to admit, that was almost comforting. If only because he knew he wasn’t alone in being this overly sensitive.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” Lucas said. “How did the rest of the event go? Was everyone safe?”

“I was actually hoping you’d ask that,” Aevus said with a smile. “Not to worry. What you did actually ensured everyone’s safety. You stopped the collapse right before it could cause any lasting damage.”

Lucas let out a sigh of relief before Aevus’ words registered. “…Why were you hoping I would ask that? I mean, of course I would. What kind of apothecary would I be if I wasn’t concerned for people’s safety?”

Aevus shrugged, the smile remaining on his face. “A rather poor one, I must agree. You would also be a pretty poor excuse of a court mage. Fortunate that I’ve chosen you to be my successor.”

Lucas stared. “Excuse me?"

[bambinotattoo]

Hello all my babies, bedwetters, pants wetters, adult babies, and etc etc. hi! Just me again. Your lonely diapered stinker Eric. I have been so down lately, really wanting to be babysat and can’t seem to find any one wiling to. Pretty common.

So this is the EXACT picture I posted to my Tattoo Business page Instagram. Lmfao. Talk about humiliation, but hey…weirder things have worked. I guess my thought process is “maybe one of my really good clients will be all like (awww. I want to help him). Of course, that’s a pipe dream. So the main conclusion I was afforded was the embarrassment of yet another “I wear diapers and am sissy diaper boy” screams from the rooftop.

The other day will working I did have a funny and embarrassing moment I thought all of you all would Appreciate.

In the middle of a session I got up to take a break and was stretching a little as my back was tightening up. While doing that one of the wings of my daytime diaper had become unhinged and was totally beginning to peak out! My daytime selection right now are AbUniverse Cushies. I like the low noise, thin design, and 2 tapes…and if I need too, I can always stuff with a booster. (Which I almost always do). My client that day was a mid twenties school teacher,we have worked together on several projects and have grown quite fond of each other. We had the open kind of dialogue between us that meant just about nothing was off limits. Now, most of my clients now of my diapers either from post like this, or from some hater trying to belittle me be spreading the word that I wear diapers. She was aware, but never talked about it. Until…

“Eric, I think…um…yea, I think your “dia—per is um, well…” and pointed at my waistline

Too my horror, before looking down I instinctively ran my hand down and swiftly tucked the crinkly tab back in and looked up blushing.

“I’m sorry, that happens sometimes. Lol”. I said

“No worries man, it’s all good. I just wasn’t sure how to say anything. Lol”. Jennifer replied

After a few awkward smiles and chuckles we sat back down and began to chip away at what we were working on. When out of nowhere she makes the bold decision to start asking questions…

“So, you really wear those everyday…huh. I mean like, if you don’t wear them, you would like…um, wet your pants?? I don’t mean to be offensive, I’m just curious” Jennifer asked inquisitively

“Lmfao, your fine. And your not being offensive in the least! But yes, that is the gist…I have been diaper dependent for quite a while. It sucks sometimes, but I have paved a way to make the best out of it…and try to not make it define me…unless I want it too!” I answered

“Unless you want it too? What do you mean by that?” Jennifer muffled with interest

“Over the years I have chosen to indulge in the ABDL side of things to help make the diapers more realistic and like enjoyable…if that makes sense” I answered to the best of my being

I was never very good at answering some of those question’s, I mean…yeA, I like being diapered now. I like being changed, baby powder, my wipe warmer, pacifiers, onsies etc etc. you all know how it is. But as soon as I start saying stuff like that to a normal person they immediately claim up and start thinking I’m weird or have some pedo issue. And, as you all know…that’s so far from the truth. At this point I had already started getting excited and antsy and should try and change the subject as soon as possible before I say something I will regret or that will make her turn cold on me. The next exchange blew even me away

“So, what’s this ABDL thing.?” She asked point blank while starring right through me

“It stands for ABDL, that’s Adult Baby Diaper Lover. It can encapsulate everything from someone like me who has to wear diaper, to someone who wants to…either for fun or sexual fetish reason. There is a wide spectrum to be honest. I fall on the weird side of it because I am really excited about being babysat, one day having a mommy, being dressed in toddler clothes, public humiliations, etc…but it is not a sexual thing for me.” I said almost forgetting to have some self check and blurted everything out like pee pee while I’m sleeping.

Jennifer sat there, quietly getting tattooed as I sit there starting to sweat knowing I had just said FAR TOO MUCH.

This is when I decided to try and run things back and salvage what’s left of my dignity lol

“Aww, I’m just playing with ya. Who would do that stuff?!?! Am I right!? Weirdos, that who”. Letting a forced stomach churning chuckle

“Yea, then why do you wear diapers that look like baby diapers? Why not something more conspicuous especially when your working? Jennifer said with no humor in your voice

There it was, to existential blow that would break the camels back. Called out, and in the worst possible way. No hiding it now…what had I done. We sat there in silence for a few seconds when the unthinkable happened.

“Eric, you know I’m just busting your balls, right? I think it’s great you have found a way to cope with your situation. Do you mind if I ask a few questions? Jennifer’s words like song birds in April

“Oh, chuckling, I knew that. Lol. And of course, you are free to ask anything you want!” Eagerly awaiting the curiosities

“So like, do you just wet them or do you like…” as I immediately blurted out

“Yes, oh yes…just pee pee. I have urinary incontinence or urge incontinence. Life long bedwetter, even now, and been having daytime accidents since my early teens. So yea, no number 2.” I immediately cleared that rumor

“Okay, cool cool. So what’s like your favorite baby thing or things to help you feel more normal”. “Not normal, I’m sorry, Eric your normal…lol”. Jennifer asked blushingly

This is where I needed to be straight forward and precise. No beating around the bush…and definitely no going to far. I have a horrid habit of over sharing when it comes to me diaper life

“I really love thick diapers. Thick diapers with booster pads, and LOTS of baby powder…I freaking love baby powder. I like onsies, they keep my diaper in place cause Eric doesn’t have an ass, lol”. I have grown fond of pacifiers and footed jammeies and would give my left arm to have a full time\live in Mommy to always change me, baby me, and hire me sitters when ever she went out”. As soon as I stopped talking, I knew I had over shared again.

To my surprise, Jennifer looked up sheepishly and started blushing… “okay, I think I get it. So are you wet right now”. Jennifer asked with the confidence of a seasoned caregiver eager to hike down my pants and perform a diaper check

“Um, oh gosh…well…lol…you seee what ha happened was…I kinda am always dribbling a little. That’s how it works. I don’t just pee all at once and it’s done. It weird to explain. I answered to the best of my ability

“Okay then, we can have you sitting in that stinky diaper Mr….do you have a change with you? Maybe a diaper bag”. Jennifer said smiling ear to ear

“Um, why?” I asked intently

“Because we don’t want you getting a rash on your bum bum, do we? Where’s your diaper stuff” Jennifer wipe eyes and bushy tailed

“Oh Jennifer, you don’t have to do that…really, it’s okay.” I clumsily whispered

“Did I ask for your permission, No…I asked for your diaper bag”. Jennifer now with extreme seriousness

I do as a matter or fact, keep a diaper bag with me most days. And that day was no different. However, I never kept daytime diapers in it, only my super banish thick diapers and a couple boosters. As well, I usually have a onsie in there too. Things were escalating very fast

“Okay, my diaper bag is by my backpack, in the corner.” I replied while my voice quickly changing frequencies

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere” Jennifer said as she grabbed my sissy bag and began rummaging through it

“Oh, wow…there are really pretty baby boy, all pink and thick. And what are these princesses? How cute, and what’s this? No way, is this a onsie?!?! That’s so fucking adorable!!! It matches the diaper perfectly! And what are these?” As she began to remove the three Rearz over night boosters from the bottom of my bag

“Those, are um…diaper stuffers, or boosters. To like make them thicker and more absorbent…and also to make the feel more like I’m wearing a thick baby diaper”. I began to almost feel sick to my stomach while answering. All the bad feelings, horrible comments, years or shame, and etc just poured out of me. I began to sob, uncontrollably apologizing for nothing just trying to catch my breathe. All the while, as always when I’m getting embarrassed my bladder started leaking pee pee and filling the remaining balance of the thin Cushie.

Jennifer immediately felt bad, coming to consult me and trying to calm me down.

“Oh Eric, I. So sorry…I was trying to be in to it, I wasn’t trying to make you feel some type of way…I’m so sorry” Jennifer said while rubbing my back.

After a few minutes I began to calm down, and we needed to get back to work. So I stood up to collect myself when Jennifer and I both got a surprise we weren’t expecting…

“Oh…baby, honey…you think, I know you may need to…yea” and pointed down towards my now soaked and LEAKING diaper.

Upset, embarrassed, and now I’m standing there 4 feet away, big wet spot from my crotch to my lower thigh. Maybe the worst leak I’ve EVER had…and now of all times. I again became upset, and frozen with fear. What happened next, will down as the most excited/most humiliated I’ve ever been at once

“Eric, baby boy…lay down” Jennifer said as if she uttered those very words before.

I just stood there speechless staring through her not sure how to move, when Jennifer put her hand back into my diaper bag and pullled put my pacifier. And before I had a chance to refuse, I was pacified, and directed to the floor where Jennifer began to un button my pants.

All I could do was lay there and suck my paci, I was in shock. Before too long I was laying there wearing nothing but a soaked diaper while my tattoo client for the day removed all the items for a diaper change.

“Okay buddy…please just lay there and stay calm. We’re going to get you out of that stinky diapee and into a fresh clean one with your cute booster pads and lots of powder, okay? And if your behave, I will let you wear your onsie too, does that sound good little boy?” Jennifer said with the confidence of an experienced adult baby nanny.

Jennifer had never changed an adult diaper…she was obviously out of her depths, but that didn’t stop her. She found the tabs on either side of my hip and pulled them free letting the cool air breeze over my very wet baby dick and socking wet diaper. I was starring at her figuring things out, and would normally jump in offering to help…since it was her first time doing this. But as I began to remove my pacifier and wipe some tears away she immediately snapped…put my paci back it and told me to settle down, and enjoy myself.

I did as I was told and again was starring at her as she got some wipes out and began to clean and cleanse my diaper area. She began wiping and moving things around while smiling devilishly, I knew she was enjoying my tiny baby dick. I have always had sitters, hell even my own mother tell me how adorable it is that my pee pee marched my need for diapers. I’m small. She continued to wipe and wipe me jumping every time to cold wipes touched me as I was used to the warm wipes from my warmer. She had me left my legs and butt and began to throughly clean EVERYTHING, even making a little comment about how it’s could I have a clean booty hole.

I was doing pretty good at starting the process of calming back down about the time she removed the soiled diaper and had me lift up to put the new Pink Princess diaper under me. Followed by not one, not two, but All three Boosters I had with me. I was going to waddle so bad. Before grabbing the powder, which she remembered I like a lot of…she grabbed one of my gloves and opened my tube of diaper rash ointment. I again looked at her, and she paid no attention. Only problem was, no I’m calm…and my brain is catching up to what is happening…about that time Jennifer is having a blast smattering me with oint. The ointment I have is some that kinda tingles in all the wrong ways when applied, and she was applying it EVERYWHERE. Just then, nightmares were realized when that little baby dick we mentioned, got to much attention from the wipes, and oint application and started growing.

“Oh. Well we’ll well. Look at that little bugger! Does baby Eric like when I rub his pee pee with diaper rash oint? Jennifer said while continuing to tease and arose me

Again, frozen…I through my pacifier said to just walk away and it will go down”

“What’s the fun in that.” Jennifer smiled and continued exploring my exposed private area

I haven’t been sexually active in several years. Just wasn’t my thing always diapered. So despite my penis becoming active it was all the way active. And after a few seconds Jennifer unprovoked from me told me too..

“Lift up those legs baby boy”

To which I complied totally helpless. Knowing exactly what was happening next. She slowly began to massage the edges of my anus gradually sticking more of her gloved fingers inside me. She looked up to make sure I was okay, and saw just my red teary face yearn for more and more. To which she complied. After a few moments she was 2 fingers deep and locating my prostate. It has been a while since being milked. To be honest, I did really enjoy the process ( one day I am gonna have a cS sitter, and I will have a dream come true, but till then…this was just fine.

She began to forcibly stick and poke my milk spot each pump and movement making me lift my ass up higher and higher…which brought Jennifer much excitement. After seeing how close I was getting, and how long it was taking she sheepishly said “it was cute I don’t have stamina…A diapered sissy shouldn’t”. At the same time to again grabbed my semi flaccid baby dick and began pumping it to the rhythm to which see was punching my prostate. The next thing I know, I see stars and almost black out. I open my eyes just in time to see her dodging the weak and plentiful squirts of baby boy sauce. It had been maybe 2 years since any orgasm at all. ANY. So to say I drained milk for a a few minutes would be an understatement.

Before I knew was happened it was over, my little butt hole red and on fire and my little pee pee still draining hot liquid all over me.

“What a good baby boy, now let’s get you cleaned back up and powdered so we can close this diaper before you have another accident”

Thanks for reading and enjoying this with me. As always, Eric needs a caregiver mommy. I am too cute not to be owned, damnit.

[senashenta]

Cheap Motel

Title: Cheap Motel

Pairing: Destiel

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Sex. Just. All the sex.

Summary: Almost nine months ago, Dean and Cas met in the cafeteria at Caspar High and the rest was history. They fell in love, they fought monsters together—and then Dean’s dad yanked him off to the next job, leaving Cas behind. Now, Dean and Cas meet up for the first time in seven long months of being apart, of texting and phone calls and video chats, to try to make up for lost time and stock up memories over the course of a too-short weekend in a cheap motel in Amarillo, Texas.

Notes: To anyone coming into this blind, I highly recommend that you read Horror High before this fic or Cheap Motel won’t make a lick of sense. :D

I said I was going to wait two weeks to post Cheap Motel, but then I got impatient and now I’m posting it a week early! :D (I’ll post the next one next week, I guess.)

It’s literally just 34 pages of 12-point Arial font worth of smut. Top!Dean and Bottom!Cas, same as Horror High was. Sorry, that’s just how I like them. Just… just get used to Top!Dean and Bottom!Cas from me (mostly) if you like my SPN writing, it’s going to be a theme. Not that almost anyone DOES like my SPN writing, but you know, just a warning.

I arbitrarily decided that Dean was travelling from Sacramento, California and since Cas was still in Jacksonville, Florida, I just picked a city that was kind of in-between the two. Hence, Amarillo, Texas. I also actually looked up how long it would take to drive from Jacksonville to Amarillo, and google told me 20 hours, so since Cas is taking the bus, I added on 4 hours for stops and layovers. See me doing actual research?

I know nothing about Amarillo, Texas, I have never been there, so almost everything is just made up, same as all the Jacksonville stuff was made up in Horror High. They do have a botanical garden, though! Anyway, I am Canadian, and I am poor, so I can’t afford to travel to all these places for research, even though I would love to. :P

The whole 1426 F Street in Sacramento, California deal is actually a THING, I am a True Crime fan and it’s one of my favorites. Go look up Dorothea Puente. She’s fascinating and horrifying at the same time. If any house is haunted, hers is!

Phil’s is actually a diner that is local-ish to where I live and does, in fact, have AMAZING hamburgers/cheeseburgers. Technically they’re an hour drive away but I will MAKE THAT JOURNEY just for one of their burgers. SO GOOD. If you are ever in Penetanguishene, ON, Canada, GO THERE YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.

Also, I am perfectly aware that no one is going to read this, just like no one really read Horror High, I basically just wrote it for myself. If anyone DOES read it, consider dropping me a comment and/or kudos, I thrive on feedback. Can also be read on AO3. <3

HORROR HIGH et al TUMBLR MASTER POST HERE.

CHEAP MOTEL By Senashenta

[Southcrest Inn, 129 Cactus Drive, room 7]

Cas looked at the brief instructions on his phone and then up at the motel in front of him. It wasn’t that he was skeptical, he knew the Winchesters chose cheap, often run-down motels to keep a low profile, it was just that the place was so very run-down. It looked like it shouldn’t even be in business anymore. Like it would blow over at the slightest breeze.

But the neon sign out from was blinking Southcrest Inn: Vacancies and there were a couple of cars in the parking lot, so Cas just hummed to himself, hiked his backpack up on his shoulder and made his way closer, down the row of rooms until he reached the one with the number seven haphazardly tacked to the door.

Cas had been on a Greyhound bus—or, rather, a series of Greyhound busses—for the last twenty-four hours. He had left Jacksonville late Thursday night, basically sneaking out of the house with nothing but a note left for his father that he was taking off for the weekend and would be back Monday night. His father wouldn’t be angry that he had ducked out for the weekend, since it was the middle of summer break and his first semester at Florida State didn’t start until September, but Cas really hadn’t wanted any safety lectures.

Now, he knocked on the door to room number seven almost hesitantly—then knocked again, louder, a minute later. When he listened carefully, he could hear movement inside, the frantic shuffling of items, and smiled to himself. He was just about to knock a third time when the door flew open and an arm shot out—a hand grabbed at the front of his shirt and he was yanked into the room, the door slammed shut behind him.

Then his backpack was pulled out of his grasp and discarded to the side, and he was shoved back against the now-closed door, a body pressing close to him and lips finding his own, kissing him hard and deep and passionately. Cas just allowed it all, kissing back in kind until a long moment later when he was finally allowed to breathe again.

Cas smiled widely at Dean. “Hi.”

Dean grinned back. “Hi, yourself.”

Cas pushed him back to arms’ length to look him over: same ripped blue jeans, same grey t-shirt, same flannel, same pendant, same adorably tousled hair, same green eyes. Nothing had changed. Good. “You’re still wearing your bracelet—ah. Cuff.” He observed, obviously pleased.

“Of course I am.” Dean ran his hand over the wrist cuff in question with a smile, “you gave it to me. It’s one of the few special things I own. I only take it off to shower.” And then, to explain; “don’t wanna ruin the leather.”

“Makes sense.” Cas’s smile widened and his grip on Dean tightened slightly—then he pulled the other man back against himself, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and tugging him in for another kiss. “I missed you.”

“Mmhm.” Dean agreed against his lips, tilting his head to deepen the kiss, pushing Cas back against the door again. He brought his hands up to rest by Cas’s hips, kneading there restlessly before sliding his palms up the other man’s sides to his chest and farther to push Cas’s trench coat down off his shoulders.

Cas shrugged out of it easily, leaving it to fall to the floor. Then he let his hands come down to shove at the flannel overshirt Dean was wearing. “Off.”

Dean let go of him long enough to shrug out of it, then returned to letting his hands rub up and down Cas’s sides—then under his shirt, fingers dragging against his skin. Cas let his head fall back against the door and Dean dove in to kiss along his exposed throat immediately.

A soft groan and Cas swallowed thickly. “Dean, come on. Can we at least find a bed?”

“The bed here is shit.” Dean muttered, still mouthing along Cas’s neck, “prepare to be disappointed.”

“I guarantee you nothing about this will be disappointing.” Cas replied with a chuckle, even as Dean’s arms snaked around his waist and the older man pulled him away from the door, backing farther into the room, over toward the bed in question.

Cas followed along easily, ducking in for another kiss as they moved—then yelped out a surprised noise when Dean’s knees hit the edge of the mattress and he tumbled backward, pulling Cas along with him. Cas landed on top of him with a laugh and ducked his head to kiss at the crook of Dean’s neck. Dean squirmed, trying to work them farther up the mattress with little success.

“Dude, get off me so we can do this right.”

“I feel like that sentence entirely contradicts itself, Dean.”

Still, Cas climbed off Dean and watched the other man shimmy his way into the proper spot on the bed before climbing back on himself, crawling over to lean over Dean for another kiss. Dean just grabbed at him and pulled Cas down on top of himself—and Cas threw a leg over his boyfriend, settling straddling his hips. He sat back and smiled down at Dean.

“This is much better, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Dean’s voice came out the slightest bit strained and his hands rested on Cas’s thighs, kneading there restlessly. “Much better.” But then he grinned and added, “you know what they call this? The full cowgirl.” Followed by a pause before; “cowboy, I guess.”

Cas blinked down at him and just leaned down to kiss him again. “You’re talking nonsense. You often do that when we have sex.”

“I do not.” Dean protested against his lips, “you just don’t get the reference.”

“That is entirely possible.” The younger man agreed. He began tugging at Dean’s t-shirt, pushing it up as much as he could. “Take this off.”

Dean didn’t complain, instead just leaning up and tugging his shirt off, tossing it to the side before looking at Cas expectantly—Cas chuckled and pulled his own shirt over his head, getting rid of it as well, and Dean’s hands slid away from his thighs, wandering to his abdomen, then further up his torso, just feeling out his skin warmly.

Cas, meanwhile, reached to undo Dean’s jeans—though he couldn’t exactly get them off the older man sitting on him as he was. So, he lifted up onto his knees and then eased away, ending up sitting on the bed beside Dean instead. Dean absolutely pouted at him, and it was absolutely adorable.

“Just take your pants off.” Cas told him, amused.

Dean didn’t need to be told twice. He quickly shucked out of his pants and boxers, then waited while Cas finally shifted over to stand up off the bed, kicked his shoes off (finally) and then got out of his own jeans and boxers before turning around and crawling back onto the mattress, up to settle half-over Dean, leaning down to kiss him once more.

The older man brought one hand up to cup the side of Cas’s neck, holding there as he deepened the kiss—and at the same time slid his other hand down to wrap his fingers around Cas’s half-hard cock. Cas muffled a moan against Dean’s lips, hardening up the rest of the way quickly, rocking his hips into the touch. Dean gave a soft chuckle. “Just from a little touch like that?”

Cas bit at Dean’s lower lip gently and muttered, “it’s been seven months, Dean.” He had missed Dean’s touch. His own just wasn’t as… satisfactory anymore. “Did you bring stuff? Because if you didn’t, I did.”

“You mean condoms and lube?” Dean let his head fall back with a laugh and regarded Cas with obvious amusement. “Of course I did.”

“You should go get them now, Dean.” Cas rocked his hips against Dean’s hand again but followed that up by reaching down to push it away from him. He shifted back once more, this time rolling onto his back beside where Dean was laying. He looked sideways at Dean and raised his eyebrows, waiting.

While Dean hurried to get out of the bed and across the room to the dresser, Cas slid one of his hands down to stroke at his own cock, back arched slightly and breath starting to come faster. From across the room, he heard Dean curse and Cas gave a breathless laugh at the sound but didn’t stop what he was doing.

Barely a few seconds later and the mattress was dipping again as Dean climbed back into the bed. Cas didn’t open his eyes or stop stroking himself off until Dean settled over him and pulled Cas’s hand away, replacing it with his own. And it really felt so much better that way—with Dean doing the touching instead of himself.

“You’re still hot as hell.” Dean muttered against Cas’s throat, “don’t know how I got so damned lucky.”

“I—ah—feel the same way about you.” Cas gasped out—and turned his head to kiss Dean, hot and wanting, before breaking off with a moan. “God, Dean… come on…!”

But Dean was way ahead of him, already letting go of Cas’s cock and grabbing for the lubricant, slathering it on the fingers of his right hand and then tossing the tube onto the bedside table where it would be out of the way. Then he patted a hand against one of Cas’s hips, urging him to part his legs—which Cas did, easily and without question, head back and already breathing hard.

When Dean pushed the first finger into Cas’s body, Cas hissed, nearly flinched, and Dean paused, glancing up at him to comment, “you really haven’t been with anyone else since I left, have you?”

Cas gave him a look that Dean returned with a cheeky grin. “Of course not. You know I would never…” And then; “it’s just practically new again after all this time, give me a minute to adjust, Dean.”

Dean eased his finger deeper even as he slid up to look Cas in the eyes. “I’m sorry.” He apologized, “I didn’t mean it like that. I know you and I are exclusive. Just… sometimes it’s hard to believe that someone like you would wait around for someone like me. Especially for so long.” Leaning down, he kissed Cas softly, even as he began moving his hand, gently, carefully; “I haven’t been with anyone else, either, just in case you were wondering.”

“I wasn’t wondering,” Cas offered a little smile, his hips shifting slightly and one hand sliding down to palm at his own cock again. “I know you’re faithful. I trust you—ah!” A small gasp when Dean barely grazed his prostate and Cas let his head fall back, “okay, yeah, I’d almost forgotten about that…!”

“Your prostate?” Dean asked smugly.

Cas nodded, head still back—then gasped again, loudly this time, when Dean pushed a second finger into him and immediately eased deep to drag the pads of his fingers across the nerve bundle in question. Cas grabbed at the sheets with his free hand and moaned, the faint discomfort from the stretching completely forgotten now. “God, you didn’t forget where it is!”

“I have an awesome memory.” Dean chuckled, and leaned down to mouth along Cas’s exposed throat, even as he continued stretching him out, purposefully rubbing against his prostate as much as possible.

“You really do, I—oh, God, Dean!” Cas’s voice came out high and loud and it made Dean laugh against his skin. The younger man arched and panted and finally brought both hands up to grab at Dean almost desperately, “I’m ready—I’m ready! Please, Dean, just… I’m ready…!”

Dean actually had the gall to smirk and ask, “are you sure? It has been seven months…”

Cas had to bite his own lip hard to muffle a too-loud shout when Dean followed that up by a particularly good push against his sweet spot. He sucked in a shaky breath and smacked one hand against Dean’s side. “Dean, please just—fuck me already!”

Cas wasn’t known to swear very much, especially the more serious words like “fuck”, and Dean actually blinked down at him in surprise for just a moment before pulling his hand away, licking his lips absently and reaching for a condom. He ripped it open and rolled it onto his own straining dick while Cas attempted to collect himself a little, head still back and breathing hard.

Once he was ready, Dean settled himself between Cas’s legs and reached to pull Cas into a kiss, even as he pushed his cock into the other man. Cas moaned against Dean’s mouth and Dean gave a low groan in response. The two of them were still for a long moment, just breathing together—and then Cas wrapped his legs around Dean’s hips and his hands slid up to grip at the back of Dean’s shoulders. “Move, Dean, ah…!”

Dean didn’t need to be told again. He ducked in to kiss Cas once more and rolled his hips, fucking himself into the younger man’s body and rocking his hips to start up a rhythm, his thrusts deep and hard—and perfect, as far as Cas was concerned; but then he didn’t think this could be anything but perfect.

For his part, Cas just dug his fingers into Dean’s back and met the older man’s thrusts with the rocking of his own hips, hot, kinetic and just this side of rough. They fucked deeply, thoroughly, in a totally full-bodied way that easily conveyed just how long they had been apart, how much they had missed each other—they kissed and touched and moved together with obvious longing.

The shitty motel bed held up, though it creaked and groaned loudly under them. It would have been comical in any other situation. For now, they both ignored it. Dean ducked to bury his face in the crook of Cas’s neck and Cas threw his head back against the pillows, gasping for air, dragging his nails down Dean’s back. Dean hissed out a curse but didn’t stop moving, biting down on Cas’s shoulder just a little more than gently in response, totally lost in the moment.

It couldn’t last forever, though. Eventually Dean eased a hand between them to start jerking at Cas’s cock along with his thrusts, and after that it was only another couple moments before Cas was coming, arching and tensing with a sharp cry, still gripping hard at Dean’s back.

When Cas tensed up, he clamped down on Dean inside him and the older man gave a grunt at the feeling, his movements getting sharper and jerky, falling out of rhythm until he tumbled over the edge as well, coming with a low moan, muffled into Cas’s shoulder. Another couple of short thrusts, almost cursory, and Dean slumped over Cas to pant by his ear with a grin. “I, ah… I definitely missed that.”

Cas gave a breathless laugh. “Me too.”

“…I think you scratched my back up.”

“Well, you bit me, so let’s call it even.”

“Mmm… yeah, I guess I can go with that plan.”

“I think that was the best sex I’ve ever had. We’ve ever had.”

“It must have been, you haven’t even told me to get out of you yet.”

“…Dean.”

“Okay, okay.”

-- --

Some time later, Cas found himself laying on his stomach with his arms crossed under his head, smiling at Dean, who was laying beside him, propped on his side with his head in his hand. His other hand, meanwhile, stroked up and down Cas’ bare back, just petting along his spine gently, making Cas arch into the feeling. “I told you the bed would be disappointing.” Dean commented idly.

Cas laughed. “Maybe a little.” He conceded, “but everything else was perfect.”

“Yeah, it really was, wasn’t it?” Dean continued petting along his back, the touches gentle and affectionate. Eventually he dipped to touch his fingers along the scars that striped across Cas’ ribs and commented, “these healed up nicely.”

“Mm.” Cas agreed. The wounds the jorogumo had given him had left behind two long parallel scars that ran along his ribs, from the front of his ribcage almost to his spine. They didn’t hurt anymore, though, and would fade out naturally over time. “I’m… still trying to figure out what to tell my Father.” His father hadn’t seen the marks yet, miraculously, but it was probably an inevitability, all things considered. Cas didn’t know what to tell him that didn’t involve fighting giant spider-ladies with his Hunter boyfriend. “I’m open to suggestions.”

“I don’t know, Cas, I never have to explain my scars to family members. This is outside my expertise.”

“I was afraid of that.” A tiny frown, then; “are you still angry?”

Dean looked at him for a long moment before admitting, “a little. You got hurt for me, Cas. You never should have been there.”

“But I couldn’t let you go in alone.” Cas murmured, blue eyes sharp and serious. “Without backup. That’s… you could have really gotten hurt, Dean, and the thought of that…”

“But you did get hurt!” Dean insisted, his hand resting over the scars now, kneading there restlessly; “I thought you were going to die for a minute, do you have any idea what that did to me?!”

Cas winced, glancing away. He knew. Dean loved him, and if he had died the other man would never have been the same. “I—” He began, then swallowed before finishing softly, “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“I know you are, just… seeing the scars again is…” The older man trailed off, then pushed forward, shoving Cas onto his back and settling over him, a comfortable weight. Cas blinked up at him before lifting his arms to wrap them around Dean’s neck and pulling him down for a kiss. When they broke apart again, Dean frowned at him and muttered, “it scared the shit out of me, Cas. Promise me you’ll never do anything stupid like that again.”

“You already made me promise that, remember?”

“Promise again.”

Cas tilted his head and kissed Dean again, just gently, then offered what he hoped was a reassuring smile; “I promise.”

Dean looked down at him appraisingly. Then he just ducked his head to kiss along Cas’s collar bone, the entire thing dismissed for now, and asked against the other man’s skin, “so, what’s with the trench coat?”, changing the topic entirely.

Cas hummed and let his head fall back, enjoying the kisses. “My Father got it for me for my birthday. I actually kind of like it.”

“You’re a weird guy.”

“I know.”

“What else did you get for your birthday?”

“Jody baked a cake,” Cas shrugged and dragged one hand up to thread his fingers into Dean’s hair, “and Charlie made me a bracelet.”

“Yeah, I noticed that when we were taking your clothes off,” Dean grinned up at him, “it’s nice.”

“They’re protection stones, she said.”

“Black tourmaline and black obsidian, mm.” He had gone back to kissing across Cas’s chest, now, the words a little muffled.

“How can you tell the difference?” Cas lifted his arm to look at the bracelet in question; it was made up of medium-sized, round, black gemstones with little blue colored spacer beads in-between—the same color as his eyes. “They all just look black to me.”

Dean shrugged. “A lifetime of training in all things spooky.”

“I guess that’s true.” Cas conceded. Dean paused to lick over one of his nipples and Cas arched into it with a soft gasp, hand flying back to Dean’s hair; “and—ah—Garth got me a kitten, he says because I look grumpy and ‘you can’t have a kitten and be grumpy.’ My Father actually let me keep it, he even got me an automatic litter box and feeder for it. That’s the only reason I could come meet up with you, because I know it’s still being fed and cleaned up after. Its’ name is Marshmallow.” Then, to clarify; “I did not name the kitten, Garth did.”

“Cats make me sneeze, but I’m sure it’s adorable.” Dean chuckled.

“Actually, Marshmallow also has a grumpy face.” Cas frowned a little, “I don’t know what Garth was thinking.”

This time Dean laughed, dropping his head to bury his face in Cas’s chest. “You’re the actual best. I know we already covered this, but you have no idea how much I missed you, Cas.”

“Jo got me a gift certificate for Magickal Things,” Cas continued on, ignoring Dean’s little outburst for now; “and Kevin got me a really interesting book on metaphysics.” Then he added, “I also got a message from you on my birthday, that was my favorite thing.” He smiled when Dean looked up at him again; “I missed you, too, Dean. So much.”

Dean leaned up for a kiss. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for your birthday.”

Cas just hummed against Dean’s lips. “It’s okay. I understand. You were busy, and your job is important.”

A sigh from Dean. “I’m glad you have friends to keep you company.”

“It can be nice.” Cas admitted, “except when they want me to do social things, like go to parties. Charlie is particularly bad for that.”

A snort. “I can’t even imagine you at a party.”

“That’s what I try to tell them, but they are being purposefully deaf.”

“Hey, Cas?”

“Mm?”

Dean nuzzled into Cas’ neck just under his jaw and murmured, “I love you.”

A soft smile. “I love you, too, Dean.”

“Seven months is a long time.”

“A very long time, yes. We shouldn’t let it go so long before meeting up again.”

“This was the soonest I could get away from Dad and Sam,” Dean sighed and kissed down along Cas’ neck to his shoulder, nipping there lightly just to make him squirm. He smirked to himself when it worked.

“I know,” Cas shifted under him, one hand sliding up to rub along his side, “I didn’t even tell my Father I was coming here. I just… left. He’s going to be disappointed in me.”

Dean was working his way downward again, kissing over Cas’ clavicle to lick across a nipple once more, making the younger man gasp. “You’re technically an adult now,” he pointed out, “you can take off on your own for a weekend, it’s fine.”

“I think… ah.” Cas let his head fall back, arching against Dean’s mouth as it continued southward. “I think my Father will see it differently… especially… especially if he finds out I left to meet up with you for—for sex…!” Dean was sucking a little bruise just under his navel, and Cas grabbed at the other man’s hair for purchase, “God, Dean…!”

“You’re allowed to get laid once in a while, Cas,” Dean chuckled. He had paused to regard the small bruise he’d pulled up with self-satisfaction and ducked in to lick across it lightly. Cas slumped a bit during this apparent reprieve—only to gasp and arch a moment later when Dean’s tongue swiped over the head of his already straining dick.

This wasn’t something they had done often, yet—oral sex. Not that they didn’t both enjoy it, they just tended not to go for blowjobs when they could have the real thing. Dean had only gone down on him once before, and Cas knew he had never been with any other men that way.

But what Dean lacked in experience, in this case, he made up for in enthusiasm—he licked up along the underside of Cas’s dick, then let the tip slide past his lips as he began to suck, easing deeper as he went until he had all of Cas’s cock in his mouth and Cas was trying desperately not to writhe under him, pulling at his hair without even meaning to.

With his mouth full, Dean just grunted at the hair pulling—but allowed it, instead focusing on what he was doing, beginning to bob his head, sucking up and down Cas’s cock, swirling his tongue against the head when he was pulled off nearly all the way before sinking back down again, as deep as he could go without choking.

Dean may not have given many blowjobs in his time, but he’d received his fair share, and he really did have an awesome memory, it was true. Now he worked Cas over like a professional, slick and messy and leaving the younger man gasping for air and fighting hard against the urge to thrust himself even deeper into Dean’s plush mouth.

Instead, he brought one hand up to muffle himself a bit and pulled even harder at Dean’s hair—which finally got Dean to pull off his cock just long enough to cough out, “we’ve talked about the hair pulling thing, Cas”—and then he just dove back in, gulping Cas down and continuing to suck him off with obvious enthusiasm. Cas gasped out an apology and loosened his grip on Dean’s hair.

But his climax was building steadily, and it was only another couple of minutes before Cas came with a shout, throwing his head back and tugging at Dean’s hair again, pulling as he panted breathlessly—and then immediately released Dean to fumble for the beside table where the lube had been previously discarded, grabbing the tube with shaky fingers and shoving it down in Dean’s direction.

Dean looked up at him, still pulling off his cock, swallowing and licking his lips, and made a surprised noise. “Are you sure? You just—”

“I am fully aware that I just.” Cas replied, still breathing hard, “but you haven’t yet, and I want you inside me.”

“But—”

“Dean, please.”

Dean’s expression shifted from surprise to amusement, and he quickly reached to nick the lube from Cas’s hand. “We’re gonna be too exhausted to even go out for food later, at this rate.”

“I am completely okay with that.” Cas dropped his head back onto the pillow again, adjusting himself when Dean nudged at him to get his legs up and then swallowing a too-loud moan when the older man prodded at him gently with slicked-up fingers before just sliding two into him immediately, pushing deep with no preamble. He was still loose from earlier, apparently.

Good. That was good. Because—

Cas pushed up abruptly, sitting and reaching to shove Dean over onto his back. Dean went down with a squawk and some slight flailing, but landed with a laugh, grinning while he watched Cas sling a leg over him and settle straddling his hips. He brought his hands up to rest against Cas’s thighs and swallowed slightly. “So, this is gonna be new.”

“Yeah,” Cas agreed, then; “is it okay?”

“More than okay.” Dean continued grinning up at him… then groaned softly when Cas shifted in his lap. “Ah, Cas…”

Dean was painfully, obviously hard under him, though Cas was still recovering from coming just a couple of minutes before. Still. He could do this. So, Cas just licked his lips absently and lifted up onto his knees, reaching down to hold Dean’s cock steady before lining up and lowering himself onto it slowly. There was some stretching involved, but it was mostly a pleasant burn as he sank down over Dean with a low, breathy moan.

Once he was properly seated in Dean’s lap again, Cas took a moment, eyes closed and hands braced on Dean’s abdomen, feeling the unsteady way the older man was breathing. Dean was watching him, green gaze heated and wanting, hands kneading at Cas’s thighs restlessly.

After a brief pause, Cas opened his own eyes again, bit at his lower lip lightly, and started moving, rocking his hips in little, careful movements to begin with, testing the waters. Dean huffed out a groan but didn’t stop watching him, positively enraptured by what he was seeing. “God, Cas, you are…”

Cas’s brows drew together slightly, and he sighed out a moan, starting to rock his hips faster, more urgently, loving the feeling of Dean inside him. “I’m what…?”

“Incredible.” Dean groaned the words, and rocked his hips up against Cas’s gently, barely more than a nudge, still letting Cas set the pace despite the urge to fuck up into the younger man harder, faster. “You’re incredible.”

“So are… mmh… so are you, though… ah…!”  Cas was hard again, now, too, and shifted himself a bit to start rolling his hips instead of rocking them, lifting up on his knees a little on the forward and dropping down on the back—and suddenly Dean was moaning, having trouble keeping his eyes open to watch Cas’s movements over him.

For his part, Cas was starting to pant now, kneading his hands against Dean’s abdomen as he continued moving, his own cock throbbing against his stomach. Dean just continued holding tight to Cas’s thighs and started thrusting his hips up into Cas to meet Cas’s drops downward. Cas threw his head back with a cry and all Dean wanted to do was bite along the other man’s neck. He resisted the urge to pull Cas down and do just that.

Seeing Cas like this, completely unrestrained, entirely debauched, was almost more than Dean could take—he finally had to shut his eyes and mentally count to ten, even as he was cursing under his breath, still fucking up into Cas, because if he didn’t? He was going to come immediately and end things far too soon.

Cas’s hands finally slid against Dean’s skin, up to brace against his chest instead so he was leaning over the older man—and Dean moved his own hands to grab at Cas’s hips, fingers digging in, liable to leave little purple bruises in their wake. The motel bed was loudly protesting their movements this time, but they ignored it entirely, the creaking just mixed in with their panted moans and groans.

Arms beginning to shake slightly, Cas continued fucking himself on Dean’s cock, hard and hot, gasping out little moans with every exhale, eyes closed and fingers gripping hard against Dean’s chest… until he moved one hand down to fist his own aching dick and start to stroke, jerking himself off in time with their rhythm. It was tricky to get everything lined up, at first, but he figured out the timing quickly.

Dean had opened his eyes again, just in time to moan out a curse at the sight, and dug his nails into Cas’s hips, redoubling his thrusts up into the younger man. “Shit—Cas—!"

Cas nodded his head in agreement, mostly mutely, panting, still stroking himself and close—so close.

When he finally came, it was with a bitten-out curse, spilling sticky come all across Dean’s abdomen. But instead of collapsing immediately, Cas pushed himself back up to a proper seated position and continued rolling his hips along with Dean, panting as one hand came up to swipe his own hair back off his forehead. He was trying to catch his breath but still fucking himself on Dean’s cock, so it was proving to be a little difficult to get the oxygen.

Dean just licked his lips absently. He was so close himself that watching Cas sit back up and go right back to riding him was enough to shove him over the edge after another brief moment. He grabbed even harder at Cas’s hips to hold him still and came deep inside the other man with a low moan.

They were both still for a few seconds after that before Dean collapsed back and Cas slumped down onto him, forehead pressing into the middle of Dean’s chest. “I think…” He panted, half-muffled, “we… forgot… the condom.”

“We, ah… definitely did.” Dean rubbed one hand down Cas’s back, still breathing hard himself. “It felt fantastic… but…”

Cas nodded, his hair mussing against Dean’s chest, and after another moment he pushed himself up and lifted off of Dean, rolling to the side to sprawl out next to him instead. “Like I told you… I haven’t been with anyone else… like, ever… so…” He turned his head to look at Dean, then shuffled to tuck himself into the older man’s side. “I know you don’t… you’re not comfortable with… I mean. I know the condom thing is important to you. I’m sorry.”

Dean adjusted to let Cas settle against him, wrapping his arm around him and squeezing gently. “I think… it’s okay.” He allowed after a brief pause, then; “we’re exclusive, and I trust you. And it’s way too late now, so. There’s that.” Tipping his head, he pressed a kiss to Cas’s forehead. “No regrets with you, Cas. That’s what I’ve decided.”

“No regrets.” Cas repeated in a murmur. “Definitely.”

“Mmmmmm…!” Dean stretched a little and then trailed his fingers through the mess of come on his abdomen before bringing them up to lick at them almost absently, “so now that you’ve thoroughly fucked my brains out, how about we get cleaned up and go out for some food?”

“I think technically you were still doing the, ah… fucking.” Cas was back to hesitating over that word, much to Dean’s amusement. He watched Dean licking at his fingers almost curiously but didn’t say anything. “But yes, that sounds like a good plan to me.”

Dean didn’t move right away, eyes drifting to the ceiling—and then he grinned. “That was unbelievably hot, Cas.”

Cas shifted against his side. “I don’t know what got into me.” He muttered.

“Besides me?”

“Dean.”

“Joking, joking.” Dean rubbed a hand along Cas’s side and tipped his head to smile at him, “seriously though, I can’t believe I ever got so damn lucky. You’re smart and you’re sexy, and you love me for some reason…”

“For all the reasons.” Cas corrected him.

A laugh. “I feel the same way about you.”

“I know.” The younger man tilted his head to drop a kiss by Dean’s jaw, then pushed himself to sit up, stifling a little yawn at the same time. He’d only been there a short while and he’d already racked up three orgasms, soon he would have to take a nap—or just keep going until he just flat-out fainted. That actually wasn’t an entirely unappealing option, all things considered. Now Cas just looked down at Dean and asked, “we’re getting cleaned up for food, right? If this is going to keep happening for the next two days we’re going to need our strength.”

A chuckle and Dean grinned up at him, “you have a point, there, Cas. You definitely have a point.”

-- --

There was a diner just down the street, Phil’s, that the motel manager had apparently recommended to Dean when he had checked in the night before. Phil’s reminded Cas a lot of Maggie’s from back home in Jacksonville, minus the jukebox. It was clean, somewhat tastefully decorated, and had a typical diner menu—at least according to Dean. Cas wasn’t as up on his diner food as the other man, so he just took his word for it.

They both ordered burgers and fries. Cas ordered a cola and Dean splurged on a chocolate milkshake. He asked if they had pie and was mildly disappointed to be told that they were currently sold out; apparently it was popular.

“I’ll give you something better than pie when we get back to the motel.” Cas told him finally, when Dean continued to pout over it. Dean’s mouth immediately tilted into a smirk and Cas rolled his eyes, but allowed, “as long as you don’t steal all my fries this time.”

When their food arrived, they were both thrilled to discover that Phil’s had absolutely fabulous burgers, and not too bad fries, either. This time it wasn’t just Dean that ate with gusto, Cas nearly wolfed his food down as well, practically starving after the past few hours. Dean was privately amused at the sight—and at the reasons he knew were behind it.

“Do you still get that ringing in your ears?” Dean asked around a bite of burger. “Tin… whatever.”

“Tinnitus.” Cas looked up from his fries with his eyebrows pinched together slightly. “And yes. That’s what the doctors call it, anyway. From hitting my head. But it sounds more like… voices, whispering. To me. But I can’t quite make out what they’re saying.” A frown and he sighed, “when I told my Father, he said it was angels talking to me. Called it Angel Radio. I think he thought he was being funny, but…”

“You didn’t get the ha-ha.” Dean finished for him.

“Exactly,” Cas agreed, flicking a fry across his plate. He shrugged and took another large bite of his burger, almost finished it already. “It comes and goes,” He continued, mouth half-full, “so it’s not so bad, but it’s really annoying when it is around. Almost painful sometimes. Not something to joke about.”

“You know Chuck means well, right? He probably just doesn’t know how to deal with it, so he jokes.”

“I know. That’s why I haven’t said anything to him.”

Dean took a drink of his milkshake and asked, “did the doctors say, is there anything they can do about it?”

Cas shook his head and shoved a couple of fries in his mouth. He was finally starting to slow down on the food, though. “Mm-mm,” He made a soft negative noise, “once you’ve got tinnitus, you’re pretty much stuck with it. Apparently, you can take antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication or sometimes antihistamines to make it more bearable, but I don’t want…” He shifted in his seat and shrugged. “I don’t like the idea of possibly dulling myself like that, you know?”

“I get it.” Dean finished off the last of his burger, watching quietly for a moment as Cas did the same—and then reached over to filch a couple of fries from Cas’s plate despite his earlier promise. He’d already finished his own. Cas allowed it. “Sucks, though. At least it’s not all the time.”

A nod and Cas picked at his fries for another minute before just pushing the plate across to Dean with a smile. The older man made short work of the few fries that were left, then returned to his milkshake, which was only half gone. They were both quiet for a couple of minutes and then:

“You’ve got more scars now than you did when you left Jacksonville.” Cas observed with a frown, “four more. I counted them earlier.”

Dean nodded, “yeah, it’s been a rough few months.”

“I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

The older man rubbed at one shoulder—one of the new scars was there—almost absently. “I’m always okay, Cas.”

“I don’t think that’s true. But I know you don’t want to worry me.” Cas gave him a little smile, “so, what were you in Sacramento for?”

“Ghost thing.” Dean shrugged, then leaned forward and lowered his voice; “you ever hear of Dorothea Puente, 1426 F Street?” And when Cas shook his head because obviously, he hadn’t, Dean chuckled and told him, “let’s just say that house is really freaking haunted.” Then he added, “but Dad and Sammy are taking care of it. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“What did your Dad say about you taking off?”

“He wasn’t happy, but then again I didn’t give him much of a choice.” A grin, “he really doesn’t like my new attitude, when it comes to you.”

“You’re being insubordinate.” Cas chuckled and shook his head, then smiled when Dean reached across the table to take hold of one of his hands. He threaded their fingers together and squeezed gently. “Thank you for being insubordinate for me, Dean.”

“I keep telling you,” Dean squeezed his hand back, “anything for you, Cas. And I mean it. Anything.”

And wasn’t that a wonderous thing? That someone like Dean Winchester was so devoted to him. Willing to do anything for him. Despite Dean’s assurances in the past, Cas still didn’t see himself as special—certainly not special enough to deserve that kind of attentiveness from someone so obviously out of his league. But he didn’t say any of that out loud—he knew Dean didn’t like when he thought like that.

“Really,” Dean said after a moment of just looking at each other, a smitten little smile on his face, “we’re not waiting another seven months before we meet up again. Seven months was ridiculous. It was way too long not seeing you.”

Certainly, they had texted every day, and talked on the phone routinely, and even video called on the computer maybe once a week, but that just wasn’t the same as being able to touch either other, kiss each other, hold each other’s hands. The physical closeness had been desperately missed by both of them, and that fact was painfully obvious.

“It was the soonest you could get away,” Cas reminded him gently, “you can only get away when things with the Hunting are quieter, right? So, I mean… I understand.” Then a pause before; “doesn’t mean I like it, but I do understand.” Glancing down slightly, Cas offered a little smile of his own, “before this it would have been difficult for me to get away, too, because of school. My Father would never have let me take off and miss classes. But it’s summer break now, so I think I might get away with it. Once college starts up in the fall…” A shrug: “it’s easier to skip a couple of days of college than it is to skip high school. They don’t call your parents, for one…”

“I almost forgot about college.” Dean’s smile brightened and he squeezed Cas’s hand again, “Theology, right?”

“Mm, with a minor in World Religion and Folklore. Florida State.” Cas agreed, “I was going to go for a double major, but I decided against it at the last minute. Two majors is a lot to take on at once.”

“You wouldn’t catch me doing it, that’s for sure.” The older man chuckled, “where are you going to live while you’re going to school? At home?”

Cas shook his head. “No, the commute is too far. So, the dorms, at least at first. I’m hoping to get a place of my own after first year.” He paused then, blinking as he suddenly realized something; “Marshmallow can’t come with me to the dorms, can he? Father is going to have to take care of him for me until I have my own place…”

“He’s not going to like that?”

“He won’t be, um… enthused. But I think he’ll do it. He won’t make me get rid of my cat just because I’m going to school. I think.” Frowning to himself, he muttered, “I don’t know, maybe Garth can take him back for a while if Father refuses? I really hadn’t thought of this…”

Dean laughed, “Chuck’s not heartless, Cas, I think your cat will be fine.”

Dean had a point. He was probably spinning his wheels about nothing at all. Cas sighed and shook his head. “Anyway, once I’m safely in Tallahassee, getting away to meet up with you should be easier. No one will be hovering over me wondering what I’m doing and where I’m going, you know?”

An agreeing noise from Dean, who finally took his hand back to finish off his milkshake before pulling out his wallet, fishing enough cash for the meal—and a tip—out and dropping it on the table. Then he scooted out of the booth and stepped around to pull Cas to his feet as well.

“Have you ever been to Amarillo before, Cas?”

Cas blinked at him, “actually, no.” Not even in all his traveling for his father’s job. “Why?”

“Why don’t we just go for a walk for a bit?”

Cas looked out the window for a moment, almost absently. The sun was starting to go down, so the heat would be dissipating, it might actually be nice. Besides, he had pleasant memories of just wandering the streets of Jacksonville with Dean on their first-and-only Real Date, it would be nice to do it again, even if it was in a strange city. And he did have his cell phone on him in case they got lost, like last time.

Finally, he smiled at Dean and nodded. “That sounds nice, actually.”

They headed outside together, at which point Dean caught his hand again, holding it loosely in his own as they walked. Cas just enjoyed the warm feeling in his chest that resulted from the action and squeezed Dean’s hand gently. “Have you ever been to Amarillo, before, Dean?”

“Mm,” Dean agreed, “a while back on a case.”

“What were you Hunting?”

“Chupacabra.”

Cas blinked because chupacabra were real, too. “Is there anything that isn’t real?”

“Bigfoot.” Dean grinned sideways at him, then amended, “I mean. To my knowledge.”

“I can’t tell if you’re teasing me or not right now.”

Dean laughed at that. “Just assume I’m teasing you, Cas. Just always assume I’m teasing you.”

“I hate you.”

“And I love you, Cas.”

“…yeah, I love you, too.”

-- --

When they got back to the motel it was nearly midnight and they basically fell in the door, barely managed to lock it behind themselves, and collapsed into the creaky bed. It had been a long day, especially for Cas, who had gone straight from a twenty-four hour bus ride into a sex marathon, and after eating and walking about town for a while both of them were well and truly done.

They at least had the energy and presence of mind to strip down to their boxers and brush their teeth before crashing for the night, cuddled up together, limbs tangled and not even caring that they were in possibly the shittiest motel in the country.

Cas’s schedule had him spending three nights there with Dean—Friday, Saturday and Sunday—though the third night barely counted because he had to be up and at the bus station at the crack of dawn to catch the first of many busses back to Jacksonville. But three nights were good. They were enough, he had thought, at least for now, especially after going so long without seeing Dean at all—except through a computer screen.

When Cas woke up in the morning it was after a night with no nightmares—the No Nightmares With Dean Around streak continued—and to Dean’s breath, soft on the back of his neck, the other man’s arm draped heavy across his waist. Cas took a while to just soak it in, eyes closing back over and enjoying how relaxed he was, the feeling of Dean being in the bed with him.

Eventually, though, he shifted, rolling over to peer past Dean’s shoulder at the clock on the bedside table. It read ten forty-three a.m., which meant they had both been out for about ten hours, give or take a few minutes. That seemed like enough time, to Cas. Time to recharge their batteries.

Now, he tipped his head to press a gentle kiss against Dean’s chin, then nudged at him until he was on his back—and began trailing soft kisses down along his chest to his abdomen and further. Dean just shifted in his sleep and sighed. He didn’t actually wake up until Cas reached the edge of his boxers and tugged them down, freeing his cock, still half-hard from sleep, and giving a long, slow lick across the head with a hum.

That was the point when Dean’s eyes fluttered open, and he looked down in blatant, sleep-fogged confusion—and then just groaned, letting his head fall back against the pillow. “Sh-shit, Cas…”

“Good morning,” Cas murmured softly, even as he licked up the side of Dean’s now-fully-hard dick and sucked the tip into his mouth, sucking at it softly. Dean cursed and brought a hand down to thread his fingers into Cas’s sleep-mussed hair.

“That’s a… heh. Hell of a way to wake up.”

Cas pulled off of him, licking his lips absently, and peered up at Dean curiously, “is it alright?”

“Is it alright.” Dean barked a laugh. He shook his head. “Yes, it’s alright, you just… caught me off-guard.” When Cas brought one hand up to start stroking at his cock, he swallowed hard and added, “you just keep, ah… surprising me, that’s all…” Then, after a brief pause and a slight buck of his hips, he tugged at Cas’s hair, drawing him up the length of his body. “C’mere, Cas.”

Cas went along willingly, releasing his hold on Dean’s dick and crawling up until he was even with the other man. He tilted his head curiously. “I thought you said it was alright?”

The fingers still tangled in his hair kneaded there restlessly before Dean pulled him down for a kiss. “It is. More than alright.” He murmured against Cas’s lips, “but I don’t just want your mouth or your hands. I want all of you.” A pause, and he smiled before asking, “is that alright?”

“Of course.” Cas replied easily with a shrug, “you can have me however you want, whenever you want.”

Dean grinned up at him, tugging him down for another kiss. “You might regret saying that one of these days, Cas.”

Cas wasn’t entirely sure what that was supposed to mean, but he still stood by his statement. He was comfortable enough with Dean to offer up that much, at least. He knew Dean wouldn’t ask him to do anything too extreme—or, rather, he might ask but he would never force the issue. Cas was entirely sure of that fact.

Now, he just settled half-over Dean, kissing him back deeply, slowly, for a long couple of minutes until they had to break apart for proper air and Dean took to kissing along his jaw, nipping gently just under his ear. Cas sighed and let one hand rub against Dean’s chest, before sliding it further down to palm at Dean’s erection again, eyes closed and enjoying the attention—and the little gasp that his boyfriend muffled into his neck when Cas started stroking him off again.

“You’re gonna… make me come… before we even get to the good part.” Dean not-quite-complained, even as he stretched, reaching with one arm for the tube of lubricant on the bedside table. One he had it in hand he pushed at Cas’s chest gently. “Lay down and let me…”

Cas nodded and almost reluctantly released his grip on Dean’s cock again to roll onto his back with a huff. This time enough time had passed that he really would need to be stretched out again, and he knew it—and it wasn’t exactly like it was a chore, Dean always made it very pleasant for him, especially now that he knew what he was doing. Then again, he’d been good at that part right from the start, hadn’t he?

Settling back, Cas stripped out of his boxers, then got himself into position and reached to pull Dean closer, licking his lips absently. “Dean…”

“I’ve got you.” Dean leaned in for a kiss—then immediately got to work prepping Cas for what was to come, first one slick finger, then two, then three, until the younger man was arching and writhing under him. Dean really was good at finding—and manipulating—Cas’s sweet spot, leaving him absolutely wrecked by the time Dean pulled his hand away again, gasping for air and borderline begging for his cock.

“God, Dean, please…!”

“I know, Cas…”

But Dean didn’t just slide into him immediately, instead pulling his own boxers off properly and moving to sit with his back against the headboard of the bed, pulling Cas, a little boneless, at this point, up into his lap. Cas moaned and let his forehead drop down against Dean’s shoulder for a moment, but he knew what Dean was angling for here—so after a very brief pause he bit his lip and lifted up on his knees, reaching down to hold Dean’s cock in place as he sank down over it slowly.

Both of them just groaned quietly and Cas was still for a few breaths as he adjusted to Dean inside him.

“This… ah. It makes me feel… privileged, you know…?” Cas let his head fall forward again, his words coming out a touch breathless and his hands sliding up Dean’s arms to hold by his shoulders. “Special.”

“What does?” The older man asked, voice strained.

“This… the fact that this is just for me...” Cas shifted his hips slightly, swallowing a moan at the movement, “that no one else gets to see you like this… touch you like this. No one else gets to—to have you like this…”

“Yeah, I… me too, Cas.” Dean panted softly, “I feel the same way. Mmh.”

“I told you before…” Cas began moving finally, rocking his hips in Dean’s lap, and wrapping his arms around the other man’s neck to hold him close, “I don’t want to—ah!—share you…! I always want you… to be just mine…!”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed around a moan, then; “shit, Cas…!”

The thing about being sat up in Dean’s lap the way he was, pressed close together the way they were, this position, was that Dean’s cock rubbed firmly against his prostate with every roll of his hips and Cas was very quickly losing his wits. Now he just nodded his head, forehead pressed against Dean’s shoulder, unable to come up with any more words for the moment, and made a breathless, almost whining sound in the back of his throat.

Dean’s hands were clamped on his hips, right over the little bruises from the day before, a constant, tiny sting of pain that just seemed to set everything off even more. Cas rocked his hips harder and lifted his head to drag Dean into a kiss, then leaned their foreheads together, eyes closed and little “ah, ah” noises with every movement.

One hand slid up so Cas could tangle his fingers in Dean’s hair, pulling along with the rocking of his hips, biting on his lower own lip to muffle too-loud cries that kept trying to escape his throat. Finally, Cas ducked his head to bury his face in the crook of Dean’s neck with an only half-muffled shout at a particularly good thrust against his prostate: “MMH!”

For his part, Dean seemed to be enjoying the entire thing thoroughly—both because it was pleasurable for him, obviously, but also because Cas was on the verge of absolutely losing his shit. He wasn’t entirely sure why, he would have to ask later, but for now he was just going with it because Cas in this state, coming completely undone, was absolutely freaking fantastic. Unbelievably hot.

“Fuck… fuck…!” Cas was actually cursing under his breath, hips rocking hard, now, heatedly, his own cock rubbing against Dean’s abdomen and just making everything even more intense. He wasn’t going to last much longer. He tightened his grip in Dean’s hair and hissed when Dean’s hands tightened at his hips in kind, the bruises there protesting the added pressure.

When he came a moment later, Cas pressed close to Dean and kept his face buried in the older man’s neck, crying out loudly as he painted both their stomachs with slick come. But Dean wasn’t quite there—however, before Cas could pick up his movements again, Dean grabbed at him and flipped them over, pushing Cas down into the mattress and settling over him, starting to fuck him hard and deep.

Cas just moaned, head back against the pillows, gasping for air while Dean took his pleasure—and finally came a couple minutes later, hips jerking and shoving against Cas’s, holding deep for a few breaths before Dean pulled away and rolled to the side, settling beside his boyfriend, panting for air.

“What was… that about?” Dean swiped a hand through his hair and turned his head to look at Cas curiously, still breathing hard.

“Oh, fuck, I just…” Cas had one arm flung up over his eyes, his own chest still heaving, and it occurred to him that there had been no condom this time, either. He didn’t bother to mention it. “In that… position… God, Dean, every single little movement just… rubbed on my prostate, jammed against it…” Lowering his arm, he turned his head to give Dean a breathless grin, “it all felt incredible, I… just. Wow.”

Dean grinned back, rolling onto his side to face Cas and folding his arm under his head. “That was a happy accident.”

Cas laughed. “Yeah, definitely.” He took a few deep, grounding breaths, then, and smiled when Dean’s free hand slid across his chest to rest over where his heart was beating, still a little quick. Cas brought one of his own hands up to cup Dean’s jaw gently. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Cas.” Dean’s reply was warm, and he eased closer against Cas’s side, slinging an arm over his boyfriend’s chest with a chuckle, “with the swearing, this time. It must’ve felt good.”

“So good.” Cas agreed, still smiling at Dean fondly. “Do you ever wonder what it’s like?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your prostate.” Cas clarified, “you know you have one, too, right?”

“Well… yeah, but…” Dean balked and actually began to pull away a little—

—until Cas rolled over and pulled him closer again, wrapping him up in his arms. He bumped their foreheads together lightly, gentle affection. “I was just asking if you were curious. You don’t ever have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, Dean.” Then he offered a little, lopsided grin and added, “it does feel amazing, though.”

A small frown and Dean sighed but allowed: “I don’t know. Maybe someday.”

“Or never.” Cas assured him. “Never is fine, too.”

Dean closed his eyes and leaned in for a kiss. “I guess I have some hangups.”

“Don’t worry about it.” The younger man kissed back with a hum and squeezed his arms around Dean in a hug, “so what are we going to do today?”

“More of this? A whole day of this? Just the two of us tangled up in bed together all day long?” Dean suggested, the grin returning to his face, but then he dropped another brief kiss against Cas’s lips and added, “seriously though, first we should probably get cleaned up and then go get some breakfast. After that I was thinking we might hit up the botanical gardens… like another proper date, you know?”

That made Cas smile. They hadn’t been on a date since their first one in Jacksonville seven months ago. It was incredibly sweet of Dean to even think of it, all things considered. He sighed contentedly and pressed closer into Dean’s chest. “That sounds perfect, Dean.”

“I’m glad you approve.” Dean smiled back at him. “It’s a plan, then.”

-- --

They cleaned up together and absolutely had sex again in the shower, not that anyone involved was surprised when it happened. Once they were done, out, clean and dry, they both got dressed with relative swiftness and soon they were ready to head out the door.

After that it was back to Phil’s where they ordered—well—lunch, because it was so late, and ate and talked amongst themselves while they were there. This time the diner had pie in stock, so Dean got a slice of blueberry for them to share. The same as the last time they had shared a piece of pie, Cas took a single bite and left the rest to Dean because he clearly loved it at least as much as he loved Cas himself. Cas found it so endearing that he wasn’t even jealous, even though he probably should have been.

Once they were done eating, they walked to the botanical gardens with directions from Cas’s phone, and Dean expressed his surprise that two men could walk hand-in-hand down the street in Texas without getting straight-up shot. Cas was happy to inform him that, actually, the majority of Texans supported same-sex marriage and anti-discrimination laws. Dean had choked on his own tongue slightly at the word “marriage”, making Cas smile to himself, amused.

The botanical gardens, when they eventually got there, were sprawling and beautiful, but while Cas appreciated everything about them it was clear from the very start that Dean was bored out of his mind. He continued to follow Cas, though, Cas tugging on his hand gently to lead him around and stopping to read all the little informational plaques that they came across.

Finally, they found themselves at a section of the gardens that contained a decorative fountain and a couple of benches for seating, and Dean pulled Cas over to sit on one of them, needing a break from all the… greenery.

“I like it here.” Cas said, not necessarily to Dean, more to no one in particular. He looked around them, then up at the sky with a smile. “It’s like the Garden of Eden or something. It’s so peaceful and beautiful.” He turned his attention to Dean at that point, expression full of obvious content. “Having you here with me just makes it even better. Thank you for bringing me here, Dean.”

“Technically google brought us here.” Dean returned Cas’s smile with one of his own. “Not gonna lie, this really isn’t my thing. But I thought you’d like it, so…”

“You were right.” Leaning over, Cas pressed a kiss by Dean’s jaw gently. “But we don’t have to stay. I know you’re bored, and we’ve been here nearly two hours already.” Standing, he reached one hand out toward Dean for him to take; “come on, let’s get out of here. We can go back to the motel and find a bad movie to watch on television.”

Dean laughed and took his hand, pushing to his feet as well. “I’m sure we can find something on Pay-Per-View. And maybe we can order pizza for dinner tonight, instead of going to the diner again.”

Cas nodded. “I like all of these ideas.”

Dean grinned as they headed out. “You haven’t even heard all the ideas I’ve got for sex, yet, either.”

-- --

The only worthwhile movie that was playing on Pay-Per-View was the remake of Dawn Of The Dead, and Dean simply could not watch it without bitching. Cas actually found it amusing and somewhat adorable, all his opinions on films, though he didn’t understand a lot of Dean’s criticisms since he wasn’t familiar with the original, and after a while Dean really started to get himself worked up.

Eventually, Cas started pulling him into kisses just to shut him up and distract him—and it worked. Soon enough, the two of them were fully making out, Cas stretched out on his back on the little couch in the living area with Dean overtop of him, one leg pushed up between his thighs as they kissed until they couldn’t even breathe. The movie played on in the background, completely forgotten.

When they eventually parted to gasp for air, Dean ducked in to kiss along Cas’s throat, nipping gently here-and-there, and Cas let his own hands wander up under Dean’s shirt, nails scraping lightly along heated skin.

“God, I knew I missed you, but I almost literally can’t stop touching you.” Dean muttered against Cas’s neck.

Cas just made a quiet agreeing noise in his throat. He had come here expecting them to have sex, yes, but not in the sheer volume that they had been having it since he’d arrived. A couple of times, maybe, but not the going-on-six in twenty-four hours that they were currently at.

Not that he was complaining. It was amazing, and evidently Dean felt the same way, if his enthusiasm was anything to go by. Cas figured they were just making up for missing each other the last seven months, and clocking in memories to get them through the next span of time between visits. (Hopefully less than another seven months.)

“So was your Dad disappointed that you turned out to be ‘just another horny teenage boy’?” Dean asked with a grin, biting on his earlobe—and it caught Cas so by surprise that he laughed, head back and fingers digging into Dean’s sides slightly, shoulders shaking. Dean pushed up on his arms to grin down at him. “You were worried about that, once, remember?”

Cas smiled widely up at him. “I’m not anymore. Especially if this weekend is any indication.” He pulled, then, tugging Dean back down over himself and leaning in to kiss him again. “Not that I plan on telling him any details.”

“Chuck’s head would explode, I think.” Dean murmured into the kiss. “We don’t want to explode your Dad.”

“No, we don’t want that…” Cas sighed against his lips… and then they were making out again, warm and slow becoming hot and heavy in no time, the two of them completely tangled up together, lost in each other, in the feel of moving against each other, even just with their clothes still on.

Not that they stayed on for long. Soon enough Cas was rucking up Dean’s shirt, urging him to take it off, and Dean pushed back just long enough to grab his tee by the back collar and yank it over his head. He tossed it off to the side before sliding his hands down to tug at Cas’s shirt as well, until the younger man sat up a little and allowed Dean to pull his shirt off as well.

Dean leaned down to kiss Cas again, but pushed Cas’s hands away when he immediately went to grab at Dean. “We need the lube,” He muttered against Cas’s lips. “I’ll go get it. You get your pants off.”

Cas fell back with a huff but nodded his agreement. Dean had a point. So, while Dean climbed off him and headed into the bedroom area, Cas undid his own jeans—then adjusted himself on the couch, considering, before standing and wandering after Dean. Dean was already out of his jeans and boxers, and just grabbing the lube off the nightstand. When he turned around to see Cas standing there, he gave a confused look.

Cas shrugged. “The couch is too small; we would’ve fallen off. The bed is better.”

“But louder.”

“Still better.”

Dean glanced between the bed and the couch before shrugging and climbing onto the mattress, gesturing for Cas to join him. Cas flashed a smile but took the time to get out of his own jeans and boxers before joining his boyfriend. Dean drew him up into his lap with a hum and Cas went along more than willingly, settling straddling the other man and leaning in to kiss him warmly.

This time when they started making out again it stayed warm and slow, the heat simmering just below the surface despite the fact that they were both already stripped bare, already hard. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, one hand up and tangled in Dean’s hair, and Dean’s own hands roamed up and down Cas’s sides, smoothing over his skin hotly, the lube discarded on the bed beside them for the time being.

It was a slower process this time, harkening back to their first couple times, when Dean had been in Jacksonville, and they had been having sex at Cas’s house, in Cas’s bed. Kisses and touches that brimmed with emotion that they, at the time, had been unable to express in words. Now they could find the words, but they also knew how to express themselves physically much more easily than back then. It seemed like a lifetime ago, really.

Cas’s arms unwrapped from around Dean’s neck, and he gave one more, gentle tug at Dean’s hair, his hands sliding down to rest against the older man’s chest, kneading there lightly as they kissed, deep and slow. Dean hummed into the kiss, his own hands rubbing up Cas’s back, then dragging back down before pulling Cas closer against himself, rocking his hips upward lightly.

A low moan and Cas began rocking his own hips, just little, light movements, and kissed Dean deeply again before pulling back and leaning their foreheads together, licking his lips absently. “Dean…” He swallowed, paused, then finally murmured almost shyly, “…make love to me.”

And Dean paused at that because oh. But there was such hesitance and earnestness in Cas’s blue eyes that he couldn’t do anything except agree. Not that he wouldn’t have agreed anyway. He would happily agree to just about anything for Cas. Dean offered a soft, utterly smitten smile and whispered, “I can do that, Cas.”

Cas gave a sigh of relief, still looking a touch shy, and leaned in for another soft kiss. Dean returned the kiss just as gently—then carefully nudged Cas out of his lap, settling him on the bed before grabbing for the lube and setting about the task of getting Cas stretched out, the process long and slow and drawn-out this time, until Cas was arching and writhing, head back and hands fisting in the blankets, pulling at them. Until he was an absolute panting mess.

Dean was so, so achingly hard, but ignored his own need until Cas was pleading with him, at which point he finally settled himself between Cas’s legs and pushed his cock into the younger man’s body, slow and deep.

He was still for a minute, then, giving Cas time to adjust, his weight resting on one arm and the opposite hand sliding warmly up and down Cas’s hip and thigh, and leaned down to kiss Cas gently. Cas returned the kiss with a little whine and a rock of his hips. Dean took the hint and began to move.

They moved carefully together, easing into a slow, deep rhythm. Cas’s legs came up to wrap around Dean’s hips loosely and his hands lifted to grab at Dean’s sides, fingers digging in just slightly, then sliding around to knead at the small of his back. Dean ducked in to kiss along Cas’s shoulder to the crook of his neck, then lifted up a little again to draw Cas into another kiss.

Cas kissed back with a low moan, muffled against Dean’s lips, then broke away to let his head fall black, leaving his throat free for Dean to plunder. He continued rolling his hips, hands holding Dean close against him, and panted out, “oh, God… Dean, this is… ah… perfect…!”

“You’re perfect…” Came Dean’s reply, muffled against Cas’s neck. “You feel amazing, Cas… every damn inch of you…”

Dean was a versatile lover; Cas was very quickly learning. He could roll with just about anything. But this—this—was something he was particularly good at, somehow, for some reason. Cas wasn’t about to question it right now.

Everything was heat and passion, the two of them completely wrapped up in each other, and it seemed to go on forever. This was exactly what Cas had wanted—what he had been asking for, and he didn’t regret asking a single bit. He just soaked in everything Dean was giving him, absorbed it into himself and gave back what he hoped was at least an iota of what he was receiving.

A hand slid down his thigh, rubbing heatedly, and Cas tightened his legs around Dean’s hips with a little, choked whine when the movement pulled Dean deeper into himself. Dean just moaned and buried his face in the crook of Cas’s neck again, panting there breathlessly as he began fucking into Cas a little harder, a little faster, working them both toward completion.

When Cas came a few too-short moments later it was with a sharp cry, back arched, head pushed back into the pillow and mouth working as he gasped for air. He continued to cling to Dean with all his tingly-loose limbs while the other man kept thrusting into him for another short time—and then tensed, his grip on Cas’s thigh tightening as he came as well, a short shout in his throat.

Then Dean was sinking down over Cas, settling against his chest, leaving Cas to ease his legs back down to the bed with a huff. The younger man continued panting, but stroked his hands up and down Dean’s back, rubbing warmly, affection on a level he didn’t give to anyone else.

It was another few minutes before Dean finally pulled out of him and rolled to the side to land on his back with a huff. Cas just rolled over as well, tucking himself into Dean’s side and throwing an arm across him with a little pleased noise. “That... was amazing.”

“You know we have done that before. Several times. Several times this weekend.” Dean joked.

“Not like that, though.” Cas protested softly.

��…no. We’ve only—made love—that one other time.” Dean conceded. “At your place just before I had to leave. And it’s…” He trailed off for a moment, considering, before giving Cas a smile, just a little, fond quirk of his lips, “I think it’s the best way we have sex. We should do it more often.”

“I feel very… close to you. When we make love like that.” Cas admitted, voice still quiet, as if he were afraid of breaking whatever spell had come over them, “emotionally, I mean, as well as physically. It’s an entirely different experience than when we’re just…” He trailed off, then, searching for the word.

“Fucking?” Dean suggested with a chuckle.

Cas sighed but made a quiet agreeing noise. “Yes, exactly.”

He really wasn’t a fan of that term for it, even if it was accurate—even if he had used that word himself already over the course of their weekend together. Cas supposed sometimes there was just no other way to put it, even if ‘fucking’ made it sound so… animalistic, almost. Base. Which it could be, granted, but he still had a complicated relationship with that word. He didn’t even like to use it as a curse.

Dean’s hand rubbed against his back, just gentle and warm, and after a brief silence he asked, “what’re you thinking about?”

“Mm…” Cas closed his eyes, his own hand touching absently along Dean’s chest, the pads of his fingers feeling along the shallow scars the jorogumo had left behind on him months ago, too. “Nothing, really, just… this weekend has been…” Trailing off, he gave a soft laugh and turned his head to press a kiss by Dean’s collar bone. “A lot. I wasn’t expecting it.”

“I know, right?” The older man grinned up at the ceiling, amusement all over his voice, “and we still have another whole day to go.”

“You’re enjoying this too much, Dean.” Cas accused fondly.

“Wha—come on! Aren’t you?” Still grinning, Dean tilted his head to look at Cas properly and tightened his arm around him slightly. “I know you aren’t hating it.”

“No,” Cas allowed, a little smile on his face again, “I’m definitely not hating it.” When Dean angled for a kiss he returned it with a laugh, “but I am going to be completely exhausted by the time I leave Monday morning.”

“Mmhm,” Dean hummed into the kiss, already rolling over to press Cas into the mattress again, “I can live with that.”

-- --

Men reached peak sexuality at about their age and Cas was pretty sure they were a prime example of that fact. They spent all of Saturday night and most of Sunday wrapped up in each other, making up for lost time and stockpiling memories to last them until the next time they could meet up. It was good to be young.

There were, of course, occasional breaks to get cleaned up (not that it ever lasted long) or for food, or just to watch television together (as long as it wasn’t the Dawn Of The Dead remake) and cuddle on the too-small couch, but in general they spent their time in the creaky bed, which Cas was actually starting to become fond of—except for the times that they had sex in the shower, or when Dean fucked him over the little kitchenette table.

Really, they had joked about it, but even if he had told his father about the goings on that weekend, he doubted his father would have believed him.

“I’m sorry,” This came from Dean, who was spooned up behind him, one hand rubbing gently against Cas’s hip.

They were cuddled up together on the bed now, in the wee hours of the morning Monday morning. They really should have been asleep—Cas had to be up to catch the bus downtown at six—but neither one of them wanted to miss even a moment of time they could have been spending together. Besides, Cas could just sleep on the bus, and Dean could always come back to the motel and crash after he was gone.

Cas made a surprised noise and glanced over his shoulder. “What are you apologizing for?”

“Your hips.” Dean clarified, fingers touching along the still-darkening bruises there lightly, “I was too rough. I bruised them up.”

“You did,” Cas agreed, and rolled over to face him, tilting his head to drop a kiss against Dean’s lips. “But to be fair I initiated a couple of those times, so it’s my fault, too. Anyway, they’re not bad. They only hurt a little, and they’ll heal up in no time.” Then, just to be clear; “you weren’t too rough. You were just right.”

“This isn’t a Goldilocks thing, Cas, I hurt you.”

“You did not. I’m fine.” Cas rolled his eyes and pushed at Dean until the other man rolled onto his back, then climbed on top of him, flinging a leg over him to straddle his hips and leaning down to kiss him again. “Here, I’ll show you how fine I am…”

Dean chuckled into the kiss but then reluctantly slid his hands up Cas’s legs to push at him gently. “Cas,” Another kiss, then, “Cas, seriously, we can’t, we—” When Cas pulled back a little, Dean gave him an apologetic look, “we don’t have time. It’s after four-thirty and we have to get you to the bus station for six…”

Something sad flickered in Cas’s eyes before shuttering off again, and he sat back against Dean’s hips, glancing at the clock on the bedside table. Dean was right. They still needed to shower and get dressed, and walk to the bus station—or, he did, anyway, and he assumed Dean would insist on coming with him.

Frowning to himself, Cas shifted off of Dean and tucked himself close into the older man’s side. Dean wrapped an arm around him without a word of protest. They did have enough time for this—for a few more, brief moments of intimacy—the emotional kind. Cas nuzzled into Dean’s chest just by his collar bone and closed his eyes.

“I don’t want to go.” He said finally, voice soft and sad.

“I know,” Dean replied, the hand resting on his side rubbing there gently; reassuring, grounding; “I don’t want you to go, either. If I could take you back with me, I would, but my Dad—” He broke off, but Cas knew. And besides, Dean would never actually want to subject him to the life of a Hunter, or a Hunter’s family.

“What if neither of us went back?” He suggested, tone a strange mix between joking and serious, “what if we just… stay here, in Amarillo. It’s a nice town. Accepting. We could make a life for ourselves, here.”

“You have school coming up,” Dean reminded him softly, “a whole future. Friends and your Dad and… and everything.”

“And I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if it meant being able to be with you.” Cas murmured, just as softly. He hesitated then, one hand tracing absently against Dean’s chest, before asking, “you know Sam once said to me that he thought you would give up Hunting for me, if I asked you to. Is that true?”

There was a long, long silence from Dean following that question. Cas could practically hear the wheels turning in his head. He was just about to dismiss it entirely and change the subject when Dean spoke up again, just quietly, to answer his question; “yes, it’s true.”

Cas paused at that. Blue eyes opened and he looked off into the darkness of the room, his hand stilling against Dean’s chest, just over his heart. “It’s very tempting.” He admitted finally, “the idea of you quitting Hunting and us just being able to… be.” Then his hand began to move again, fingers toying absently with Dean’s pendant, and he continued, “but I could never ask that of you, I told Sam that at the time, too. You… I think a part of you needs to Hunt. For your family. For yourself. I understand that. If you stopped for me, eventually you’d come to resent me for it, and I don’t want that. So… I’ll go and get on that bus and head back to Florida, and we’ll meet again in a couple more months. Right?”

When Dean responded he sounded like he was having trouble speaking, getting the words out; “how can you always be so selfless? How can you always, always be thinking about me over your own wants and your own needs?”

A little smile. Cas lifted his head to look up at Dean through the dark. “That’s what you do when you love someone as much as I love you.”

Dean looked back at him for a moment—then leaned to kiss him gently. “I love you, too, Cas. So much. Thank you for being so understanding.”

“What else can I be?” Cas smiled fondly before finally pushing away and sitting up, stretching his arms over his head for a moment. Then he climbed out of the bed and held a hand out toward Dean. “Come on, let’s get cleaned up. I have a bus to catch and I’m making you walk me to the station.”

A chuckle from Dean, but he allowed himself to be pulled up as well. “Don’t gotta make me, Cas, I was already planning on it.”

-- --

The walk to the bus station downtown was made mostly in silence, the two of them walking quietly, hand-in-hand down the street, Cas with his backpack hiked over one shoulder, neither of them showing the wear from the weekend, though Cas was sure as soon as he was on the bus and the vehicle was moving, he would basically pass out. He just hoped he didn’t miss any of his stops or transfers.

Dean was staying in town for one more night before heading back to California to meet up with his dad and Sam, who, by that time, should have taken care of the whole 1426 F Street thing. Then they would be on to the next town, the next job, and Cas would be back to trying to track Dean’s meandering path all across the country.

When they arrived at the station, they were a few minutes early, so Cas took the time to raid the vending machines for food: a couple of pre-packaged sandwiches, bags of chips, chocolate bars and bottled water that he crammed into his backpack along with his dirty clothes. Enough to get him by for the next twenty-four hours on the bus, hopefully, though he could always buy more at one of his layovers if he had to.

Then he sat next to Dean on a bench and waited for his bus to pull in, close against the other man’s side with his head resting on Dean’s shoulder. Neither of them had actually said ‘goodbye’ yet, they were procrastinating over it, but they knew it was coming and both of them were dreading it.

It was hard, parting ways like this, especially not knowing when they would be able to meet up again. This time it had taken seven months before Dean could get away from his family for a weekend, what if next time it took longer? Nine months? A year? Their whole lives could get away from them at that rate, and Cas… he hated it. All he wanted to do was ask Dean to quit Hunting for him, but what he’d said was true, he knew eventually Dean would grow to resent him for it if they went down that road, and that was the last thing he wanted. Still, it was tempting.

The thought of having a normal, apple-pie life with Dean was… well, it was a pipe dream, of course, but it was also so, so nice. Cas was happy when he was with Dean, comfortable and relaxed in ways that he wasn’t around anyone else. It helped that having Dean around kept the nightmares at bay, too. He knew as soon as he was away from the other man’s presence, they would come back full force. He wasn’t looking forward to it.

“You look like you’re doing some serious thinking.”

“Hm?” Cas blinked out of his thoughts and lifted his head to smile at Dean, “just thinking about my dreams, how you keep the nightmares away.” He shrugged slightly, “still don’t know why, but you’re the best dreamcatcher out there.”

Dean reached to take hold of his hand, squeezing gently. “I’m glad I help, even if I’m not there all the time.”

“Not all my dreams are bad anymore,” Cas assured him, tangling their fingers together and giving a squeeze of his own, “some of them are just weird. In one I’m drinking coffee in a restaurant, but it’s like… a thousand restaurants all at the same time, they’re just all identical? Restaurants within restaurants within restaurants. I don’t know. But a lot of them are still… yeah. Not great. On the bus here a couple days ago I nodded off and dreamed that someone cut open my stomach and reached inside with their bare hands and pulled out a… stone. A big, flat stone. And I could feel every second they were ripping into me, it was…”

“God, Cas,” Dean tipped his head to press a kiss against his temple and Cas sighed softly. “Where does your brain even come up with that stuff?”

Another shrug. “No idea. All I know is I don’t get much sleep a lot of the time. So, when I’m with you and you’re chasing the dreams away, however you’re doing it, it’s just… it’s really, really nice. Something I appreciate, even though I know you’re not doing it on purpose.”

“No, but I’m glad I’m helpful, anyway.”

“Mm.”

“I still have that piece of chalcedony you gave me,” Dean told him with a smile, “I sleep with it under my pillow, along with Dad’s bowie knife. I think it helps. But that could just be because it’s from you.”

Cas returned his smile with one of his own, “I’m glad. You know, I—”

And then the announcement came over the loudspeaker that Cas’s bus had just pulled in and would be boarding momentarily. Cas broke off what he’d been about to say, deeming it unimportant, his smile turning sad around the edges. He stood from his seat and waited for Dean to do the same, leaving his backpack on the floor for the time being.

“Cas, I…” Dean began, then trailed off and simply pulled the younger man into a hug, wrapping him up in his arms and holding him tight. Cas hugged back, hands grabbing at the back of Dean’s jacket like he never wanted to let go—probably because he didn’t. And why was saying goodbye this time so much harder than saying goodbye last time had been? “I’m going to miss the hell out of you.” Dean finished finally, voice coming out rough.

Cas nodded, face buried in the crook of Dean’s neck and fighting back the tears that were in his eyes, threatening to spill over. “Yeah, me too.” He sniffed softly and carefully released his hold on Dean, who brought one hand up to cup Cas’s jaw, thumb rubbing along his cheek gently. “Call me tomorrow, okay?”

“Promise.” Dean leaned in for a kiss and Cas returned it, the tears finally overflowing. When they pulled back Dean wiped them away softly and bumped their foreheads together. “I love you, Cas.”

A weak smile. “I love you, too, Dean.”

The call for his bus to start boarding. Cas sniffed again and stepped back from Dean, trying to keep a smile on his face—but it was completely undermined by the fact that he was still crying. He stooped to pick up his backpack and slung it over one shoulder. When he straightened again, it was to give a little surprised noise when Dean pulled him into another kiss—this one deep and full of longing. Cas fell into it and returned it in kind until the next call for his bus, at which point he had to pull away.

“Goodbye, Dean.” He said, swallowing, “less than seven months next time, right?”

Dean nodded, and his own voice came out suspiciously thick when he confirmed, “right.”

Cas reluctantly left, handing over his ticket and climbing onto the bus, taking a seat near the back. He watched Dean through the window—the other man stayed where he was, eyes on him, until the bus pulled away and drove out of sight. Only then did Dean turn around and head back to the motel, alone.

He was already making plans to video call Cas the following day.

The End