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beloved-daydreams · 1 year ago

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"Tail" a Jude x Cardan fic

Quick summary(?): Jude and Cardan have been recognized as the Queen and King of Faerie, since then a few weeks have passed. Some amount of peace has returned, yet a lot of things have been left unsaid. Despite their knowledge of eachother's affection being reciprocated, they'll still have to learn to rely on eachother and trust eachother more day by day. And to do that, it's natural to start with the small things.

Note: It’s mostly fluff and them talking privately, this is my first attempt to writing them but I’d like to make more if I get more ideas. I’ve been thinking of making a series of "one shots" where they tell eachother things they’ve never confessed. Like maybe how Balekin made Jude kiss him. Or how she witnessed Cardan getting abused back in the first book (unless I’m misremembering, I think she never told him?) It’s not like those things need to be said, especially since they’re so uncomfortable for the both of them, but I often wonder how these "small revelations" would go, had they been put into words. Well, who am I kidding, I probably won’t have enough willpower to go through with it haha. But please, have this for the time being.

And please consider leaving comments and/or your jumbled thoughts in the tags! This means a lot to writers. Enjoy ❤️

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Hearing his footsteps getting closer and closer, Jude placed herself more prettily on the bed. Making sure that everything was in place, that the bathrobe she was wearing over her underwear wasn't crooked or that her hair hadn’t stood up awkwardly in some places.

She hated how much she still wanted to make sure to appear attractive to him. Well, she already knew that he liked- No. Loved her but she couldn't stop herself from greedily wishing for more.

Those chambers were now shared by the both of them so they had laid down some rules. One of them being that before coming in, they should always warn the other. Thus Cardan stopped himself in front of the room and knocked 3 times, quite assuredly.

"It's me."

His proclamation was a confirmation of what Jude already knew rather than anything else. She could recognize him by many things. His smell, the silhouette of his shadow, the way he laughs, his wide footsteps. There was no shortage of ways she had that made her capable of spotting him almost immediately. Especially when you consider that, for years, her eyes would always wander around, almost subconsciously looking for him. She had observed him for years, hated him for years, despised him from the bottom of her heart.

That is, until she noticed that she didn't. Or rather, the brand of hatred she felt towards him was special. In the middle of it, she was drawn to him, attracted by his everything. It seemed like that feeling had switched to love somewhere along the way, or maybe it had masked itself under her fear. Now she only wanted him for herself. Oh, the pain of having to share him with his subjects when all she wants to do sometimes is to just lie down next to him, confessing all of the thoughts she hides from him...

In any case, Jude jokingly answered.

"Me who?"

Slightly unnerved by the bad joke, Cardan followed.

"Who else but your darling husband? Let me in Jude."

It wasn't like he couldn't get in, the door wasn't locked or anything. However it was quite cute how he always asked for her permission to come inside since they didn't decide on that in the rules. All he needed to do was notify her of his presence before coming in, which, well, Jude had quickly noticed how almost useless that rule was since she could always hear him coming so clearly. Unless she was really busy with something, it was pretty much impossible to miss him.

"Come in then, my dear husband."

Jude said that with a bit of a haughty air to appear unfazed by her own words, but the truth was that she was still very giddy at the idea of having him, Cardan of all people, as a husband.

Coming into the room, Cardan immediately let himself fall on the bed, then turned over towards Jude, not so discreetly admiring her.

"You're not letting anyone else come here, are you?"

Jude faked an offended look.

"You think I'd cheat on my beloved husband? How rude."

Then kissed him on his forehead which made his tail flail around a bit. That caught Jude's attention and made her lips switch into a smile.

"Did you just wag your tail at me?"

Instead of replying, Cardan buried his face into the pillow and let out a low, exasperated sound. Part of the reason why he would always hide his tail before was because he was scared of something like this happening. It would be shameful. Especially if it was in front of Jude, who he thought would immediately understand that he was excited when talking to her or interacting with her in any capacity.

Now that they were married it wasn't supposed to be as shameful, but it was still slightly embarrassing nonetheless.

Jude placed her hand on his back, rubbing it gently.

"No use hiding into the pillow oh High King of Faeries, please answer your wife when she speaks to you."

Again, with that playful and teasing tone of hers. This was something Cardan had barely if ever seen from her before, but since they've been wed, he was finding more and more lovable sides to her which was quite damning. He was already hopelessly head over heels for her, there was absolutely no need to make it harder for him by being even more charming than she already was.

"Very well. Since my lovely wife so atrociously wants to know the answer, I'll humor her for a bit: Yes, my tail did move because of her loveliness that I so mortifyingly crave."

There was really no reason to be so embarrassed, yet Jude found this honest part of him so very cute. In response, she moved her hand away from his back and carefully grabbed his tail. It twitched a bit at the unexpected contact.

"Oh. I did that without thinking, should I remove my hand?"

"...No. Amuse yourself with it if you wish to do so."

That was an uncharacteristically meek answer from Cradan. Especially since until only a few months ago, he would always keep his tail hidden. And now he was suddenly letting himself be played with. Truth was, he was rather curious to see what she would do with it if given the permission.

A bit hesitantly, Jude carressed the tail from its base to the tip. Cardan sneered.

"Oh, feeling so confident already? Do you consider me to be your pet now?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous. You've been my pet for far longer, even before you would flaunt your tail around in front of my face."

The King laughed at the utter audacity of that statement. And, well, also because she wasn't wrong.

Jude then started brushing the palm of her hand with the tip of the tail.

"...It's as soft as a brush. If we trim it a bit, do you think you could use it to paint?"

"So I was your pet and now I'm merely a drawing utensil? My worth just keeps going down, huh."

It was her turn to laugh now, she wasn't quite sure how to answer to his comment this time around. So she opted for honesty again, hoping it would make him smile.

"Your tail is adorable, I love it."

Instead, she was met with silence that lasted for a few seconds. It took all of Cardan’s willpower to not ridicule himself again by wagging his tail, he was desperately trying to come up with something witty to shoot back at her as usual. However, before he could collect his thoughts, a bit nervous by the lack of reaction, Jude followed.

"Will it hurt if I pull on it?"

His gaze subtly softened before being wiped off by his signature smirk. The annoyingly charming one.

"So you like seeing me in pain after all. Feel free to tr- OW?!"

Before he could finish, Jude pulled on it with a bit more force than she'd like to admit. He was right, seeing his face twist in pain was in fact amusing. In reaction to that, he retaliated by laying on his back, covering the tail under him.

"Aww... But it was just getting fun."

"For you, maybe. I'd like to keep my tail healthy and functional."

"For what? You basically can't do anything with it, right? It doesn't seem strong enough to hold anything."

A bit offended, Cardan uncovered his tail and sat up on the bed.

"It can't hold very heavy items, but it has enough strength to hold medium sized objects."

Having said that, Cardan took Jude's arm.

"Stay still."

His tail curled around her arm, and then, once her was sure that it had a solid grip on her, he attempted to pull her arm down. It wasn't enough to bring it down to the bed, after all Jude's arms were rather strong thanks to all of her sword training, however she could feel that the tail did have a fair amount of strength to it. Way more than she initially thought in fact.

But then, an image flashed in her mind. Seeing how the tail had tangled itself up on her arm, she remembered how it would do the same to her thigh and leg when they were...

Cardan sneered.

"Remembered something joyful my sweet Jude?"

In a hurry, she untangled the tail from her arm. It was an incredibly poor attempt to divert Cardan’s attention from her rosy cheeks.

"You could say that. Well, as much as I enjoyed fiddling with your tail, I think we should call it a day. Good night."

And so, she blew on the candles and buried herself under the covers next to her dear husband who did the same. However, sleep wasn’t on his mind at all. It never was. Jude guessed it was because they were a "new couple" and they were sharing a room, not to mention right after admitting their feelings to eachother. The smallest thing really did set him off to asking for it before sleep, and as much as Jude wanted to deny it, the thought also came flowing into her mind just as often and as easily. Difference being that she had loads more of self-restraint than her idiot husband.

Under the covers, as usual Cardan reached for her hips, pulling her towards him.

"Not only did my sweet wife not give me a goodnight kiss, but she’s also facing away from me? How cold. Almost heartless even."

"Don’t be so dramatic. And..." She paused. "I know what you truly want, from my knowledge it sure isn’t just a kiss that you’d like from me you foolish High King of perversion."

And with that very halfhearted attempt to supposedly shake him off, Jude didn’t even try to push his hands away. Which was more or less a signal between them that stated she was actually fine with doing it. And so, Cardan slyly pushed his tail in between her legs, then wrapped himself around one of her thighs in that familiar, possessive way of his. As if every single part of his body had to be in contact with hers. He was so close now that Jude could feel him smile against her neck.

"Is this possibly what you remembered earlier, my bewitching Queen?"

Suddenly, his tail wasn’t so adorable anymore. It was now a means to an end. Jude’s mind was racing, almost as fast as her heart. No matter how many times this happened, it was still enthralling.

"Cardan, say: is making love to me all you can think about?"

"...No. I also think a lot about you making love to me."

Not that anybody could see it, but Jude rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sure what kind of answer she expected but she should’ve seen this coming. Or at least, that was until what he said next.

"Well, jests aside, I do want to do a lot more things with you. However it feels like the only time we have alone for ourselves is either when we wake or just before we sleep."

"Then... want to take a break tomorrow?"

That was true. To keep up appearances they were "together" for a good chunk of the day, but it was always in front of the eyes of others. Jude wasn’t a fan of public displays of affection but she also didn’t want to dismiss their duties. And so they were stuck in this situation, if Cardan had been the one to decide, he would drop all those duties on the spot and push them back for a few days, no doubt. So as much as she hated to admit it to herself, his desperation was likely justified.

Jude surprised even herself with those words. In fact, she was maybe even more surprised than Cardan.

"I’d love that." For a moment, his tail’s hold on Jude’s thigh weakened. As if he was a bit shaken by what was said. Or maybe by what was about to be said. He continued. "For once, would you consider asking for me?"

"What?"

Jude was confused by those words that had yet to take a tangible meaning in her mind. In front of the complete confusion, Cardan followed once again.

"I mean, I... It feels like, I’m always the one asking for your love. Although you do answer back satisfyingly, for once I wish you’d initiate first."

Oh.

Well.

It’s true that this never crossed her mind. Now that she thinks about it, all of the times they had sex since they’ve been married, or even before that, the one who was always more overtly leading to it first was in fact Cardan. She was a bit embarrassed at how she could’ve missed this, she had to make it right.

She turned over, facing him as his tail untangled itself from her thigh, letting her be free with her movements. She placed the palm of her hand on his chest, slowly dragging it up and down as she spoke softly.

His eyes were already eager. Although Jude couldn’t see very well in the dark, Cardan’s vision was quite clear. Being asked for while she was displaying such a cute face must be criminal. Nonetheless, he held back his urges. It wasn’t good enough.

"Cardan Dear... I need you."

"More. Ask for it more clearly."

"I..." the words were stuck in the back of her throat, she wanted to convey her burning desire in a way that didn’t sound too ridiculous. Was it always this difficult for Cardan? Now that she thinks about it, he’s always been surprisingly articulate with her. Her on the other hand, not so much. She admits to herself that maybe her strength solely lies in rude words. The ones that hurt, the ones that make you angry and the ones that trick. So being asked to be explictly honest and gentle, it was a task that was hard to follow through.

"I’d like you to... um..."

"Yes...?"

"Uh. Wait, sorry. Shit. I didn’t think I was this shy. This is so stupid."

"It’s not, please be truthful."

Ah yes. The truth. Something so natural for Faeries but only an option for humans. Jude tried to switch her line of thought: What would she say if she were a Faerie? If she could only tell the truth, if there was no option to lie. Only honesty. Pure and simple.

"I’d like you to fuck me. To kiss my neck and lips. To wrap your tail around me again. I want to be under you as you look at me, knowing that you can clearly see everything I try to hide. Would that be okay? Please... Cardan."

Silence overtook the room for a couple of seconds. That is only until Cardan had no self-restraint left in him after that bold declaration. Bold yet so very cute. He pulled her body under his, covering her in a hug.

"W-Was that okay?"

"Oh my sweet darling, my evil temptress. Your honesty is irresistible, I’ll do anything you need from me."

And so, as she had asked, he wrapped himself around her again.

#the folk of the air #the cruel prince #the wicked king #the queen of nothing #fanfiction #jude duarte #cardan greenbriar #jude x cardan #jurdan #is it just me or did I make cardan act like a cat? nckrjgjgif #anyway #please please leave tags and comments if you enjoyed!!!

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aesthetic-day-dream · 1 year ago

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Hello!! So this is probably a long shot, especially cause I don’t remember a lot of these details. I was just curious if anyone will recognize these books I’m thinking of. I don’t really remember if they’re actual books or just short stories, but I read them a long time ago in high school. I can’t for the life of me remember the names of them.

One of them, I think, was 3 young boys. They go to this lake or quarry, something like that. And if I remember correctly, two of them dare the other boy to jump in. I think he’s hesitant and doesn’t want to do it, but peer pressure gets the best of him and he jumps. When he jumps, he hits his head and it knocks him unconscious but the other boys think he’s dead. I’m pretty sure they bury him alive or let him drown, something like that. They leave, all freaked out, and I can’t remember 100% but I think the boy comes back to haunt them. I don’t remember much else. I think there’s a part mentioned where they’re riding in the trunk bed of a pickup truck but???

The other one, I’ve only been able to remember one part. There’s this house in the woods that this family lives in and the whole town avoids it cause the family is weird or something. But one night, this man is driving by, I can’t remember if he’s in an actual car or a horse drawn carriage, but anyway, it starts storming really badly. So bad that he needs to find shelter for the night and he’s right in front of the house. So he goes up and asks to stay the night. The family is very welcoming and bring him in. I can’t remember for sure or not but I feel like they tell him he’ll be fine as long as he stays in his room all night, but I might be misremembering. I really only remember the first part, of him having to go stay there.

I know this isn’t a lot to go by, but I was hoping at least one of them might sound familiar to someone. Let me know!!

#books #short stories #horror stories #I think I read these in my sophomore year #it’s so annoying that I can’t remember the names #I really hope someone knows what I’m talking about #aesthetic #reading #help

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annikathewitch · 2 years ago

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I posted 5,504 times in 2022

52 posts created (1%)

5,452 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@luminousdelusion

@narwhalismyname

@saturnsocoolioyep

@thecatchat

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I tagged 467 of my posts in 2022

#useful - 17 posts

#yes - 9 posts

#dsmp - 8 posts

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#art class - 6 posts

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Longest Tag: 133 characters

#and then i realized he wasn’t and figured that since i didn’t recognize anyone this was probably from some tv show i’d never heard of

My Top Posts in 2022:

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23 notes - Posted March 21, 2022

Okay I’m sorry but has it occurred to anyone that one of the main ways the egg gets to people is by manipulating feelings of loss and every single one of the people who crashed the red banquet has lost someone or something important to them since then?

30 notes - Posted March 10, 2022

I love the kinda background ways that the themes of storytelling and history show up on Dsmp. Eret’s museum. Karl’s library. Ghostbur’s library (he had a library, right? I’m not misremembering things?) Ranboo’s memory books, to an extent. The lost city of Mizu.

I also think it’s interesting that basically every one of the most obvious instances of this that I can think of come from dsmp’s concerningly long list of amnesiacs.

43 notes - Posted February 14, 2022

Right, so there was something I noticed in Sam’s lore stream that I haven’t seen anyone talk about yet, specifically in relation to one of the journal entries.

Now, the only screenshots I’ve been able to get are really low quality, so I’m just gonna copy the text here.

“Journal Entry N100

The vines are running out of room to grow in the ravine. I’m digging tunnels to help them expand further. The first one will be under his house… I’m hearing the egg talk to me wherever I go now…”

The line about the first tunnel being under “his” house is what really stuck out to me, partially because of the I M P L I C A T I O N S.

We only really know of two people, as of current lore, anyway, whose house Sam Bucket could likely be referring to in this line: Bad and Sir Billiam, as they’re the only two who have really had the egg near/on their property.

This means that either a) Sam Bucket was around at the time of The Masquerade, meaning he’s probably immortal in some capacity, or at least really long lived, b) Sam Bucket was the one who put the egg under Bad and Skeppy’s house, kicking off the entirety of the eggpire arc, or c) some combination of the two.

Theory a is supported by the fact that very few people seem to know who Sam Bucket is, despite him mentioning having friends on the server. This could, however, be explained by the extremely high amount of amnesia on the server, especially since the Egg has referenced encountering Foolish before, which Foolish didn’t seem to remember.

Theory b is supported mainly by the amount of clear pictures of Bad and other references to him in the hideout, while there don’t seem to be any pictures of or references to any tftsmp characters whatsoever.

Either way, Sam Bucket has, in canon, been involved in the Egg’s history far longer than we’ve known that he, or even the Egg itself, existed. And it seems like finding out more about Sam Bucket could be the key to finding out more about the Egg.

47 notes - Posted April 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

So, due to a number of reasons, I’ve been writing about characters who use neopronouns and/or more than one set of pronouns a lot more in the past year than I ever have before. And at some point, I noticed that I started thinking less about them as simply a necessity to accurately portray a character’s identity, or something that I did just because “why not?” or because it’s something that’s important to normalize, but as something I could use as a tool in the way I told stories.

Let me explain. Take a moment to just imagine the possibilities playing around with pronouns could give you. Here are some ideas (Admittedly, I only really write in English, so I don’t really know how well any of these ideas would work with languages with different pronoun systems, but I’m sure their are similar things you could do):

Imagine a character that uses multiple pronouns, and, say, the narrator trades off every scene or so (just to avoid confusion; other characters switch pronouns midsentance while referring to the character), but in some circumstances the narrator refers to someone who otherwise appears to be that character by only one of the pronouns that that character uses, which initially appears to be a part of the normal switching between pronouns thing, but is actually foreshadowing to like, a secret twin, or a shapeshifter, or any other of a wide variety of plot twists. (Ex: character who uses multiple pronouns getting weird dreams in which the narrator never refers to them by name and only uses he/him pronouns foreshadowing the fact that the dreams are actually their past self’s memories, since their past self only used he/him pronouns).

Neopronouns used to make language more clear. If every character goes by different pronouns, there’s no ambiguity, right?

On the flip side, characters using similar pronouns in some scenes to make them harder to tell apart in certain circumstances, or else to draw parallels between different characters in certain scenes. Messing with different pronouns gives you better control over ambiguity or lack thereof, even when referring to well-established characters.

Having a character with multiple pronouns makes writing dialogue like 10x easier. Y’know that issue where you have a scene with two characters who use the same pronouns talking and you have to either repeat their names a bunch or find other ways to refer to them? Well, if one of those characters switches pronouns, and you have a scene where they’re interacting with a character who uses he/him pronouns, you can have them use she/her pronouns or neopronouns, if they’re interacting with a character that used she/her pronouns you can use he/him or neopronouns and boom, problem solved!

If you’re writing fantasy or sci-fi, imagine world building a culture where which pronouns people are referred to as change based on something other than gender, such as rank, class, particular types of magical ability, job, relationship to the speaker, or any other societally relevant distinction. Even if this is never explained, readers will probably start to pick up on it, and then you can use a character’s pronouns to convey information about their background quickly and seamlessly.

Characters using neopronouns that reflect elements of their character. Pronouns are a part of gender expression, just like clothing or hair, and just like clothing or hair, people could pick certain pronouns for reasons entirely unrelated to gender. For instance, a character who has been dehumanized a lot could use it/its pronouns, not for gender reasons, but to reclaim them from those who abused it.

On a similar note, a character might use gender-neutral pronouns not because they’re nonbinary, but because their native language doesn’t have gendered pronouns, so they’re more comfortable with gender-neutral ones. Or maybe they start out using gendered pronouns and then switch to using gender-neutral ones to help show them reconnecting with that aspect of their heritage.

Characters deciding to change their pronouns as a sign of an important moment in their character arc. (Pronouns can be an expression of A LOT more than gender, as explained in the above two points, and I’m sure you can probably come up with even more ideas than just those listed here.)

One character could go by pronouns that none of the other characters do, so the audience still get hints that it’s them even when they’re not mentioned by name.

Neopronouns are shorter than names, but theoretically, if you did it right, they could carry just as much symbolism, foreshadowing, and/or other meaning.

…for example, you could use different pronouns in different situations to tell something about that situation, or as some form of symbolism, though for the latter, you may wanna stick to neos to avoid playing into traditional gender stereotypes or otherwise potentially seeming like you’re making a point about male vs. female or binary vs. nonbinary genders. Neos don’t have the gendered connotations of she/her or he him, so they’re usually judged on the vibe of the sound.

In historical settings. Historical neopronouns exist! Or, in modern, real-life-or-close-to-it settings, you could have a character use older neopronouns to indicate that the character may have been a) around for a long time (maybe there’s some fantasy elements and they’re immortal?) and involved in the queer community for a long time b) really interested in history in general or queer history in particular. They don’t necessarily have to have these meanings, but still.

This is just scratching the surface. I’m tired of writers seeing nonbinary pronouns, especially neopronouns, as a roadblock or hassle, something that detracts from their work, or else something that is necessary solely for the sake of representation, rather than the potential valuable addition to the writer’s toolbox that they are.

I’m tired of the lack of representation not just because of the lack of representation in it of itself (though that is also a big issue; normalizing gender neutral language and neopronouns is very important and literature could go a long way to help with that), but also because it’s so clear to me that in refusing to use that representation, in declaring it “too hard to write with” or “too confusing,” writers are cutting themselves off from a vast array of fascinating narrative opportunities. If you don’t know how to use them, great! It’s never too late to learn, and who knows, you (or your readers) might end up using the knowledge you learn in real life! I’m sure you weren’t born knowing how proper sentence structure or dialogue formatting works either.

Your story doesn’t have to be about gender or have a deeper message about its role in society for non-standard pronouns to be something you can use. Let your dragon be referred to as ae/aer. Let your superhero switch between multiple sets of pronouns. Let your escaped lab experiment reclaim “it/its.” Let your characters go by an array of pronouns as wide as the distribution of their names.

You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to have an in-universe explanation, not if you don’t want one. Your reader should be able to figure it out on their own, and like with most symbolism, explaining could detract from its power unless it’s a specific focus. At the end of the day, pronouns are just words, and as a writer, words are your tools to use as you see fit. Some might carry certain historical or real world baggage, but that’s true outside of just pronouns; just do some research, handle it as respectfully as you can, and don’t let it stop you from exploring this whole entire aspect of the language you use.

120 notes - Posted January 10, 2022

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#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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chaoxfix · 2 years ago

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modern & classic sonic being in the same universe is something i literally cant get out of my head. this is only like 5% of an idea but i thought it'd be cute. also i needed to write something before i forgot how

“Woah, Classic’s visiting again?”

Sonic puts a finger up to his lips as Tails stands in the doorway. Classic, bundled up and asleep in Sonic’s lap, fortunately doesn’t stir.

Tails puts both hands over his mouth for a moment, looking sheepish. Then, he steps closer, enough that he won’t have to speak at a normal volume. He leans down gets close enough to get a good look at the little bundle of quills. Bright blue – but a little less vibrant than the Sonic that Sonic has grown up to be.

“He came here and fell asleep?”

Sonic nods. His voice is quiet when he answers, “Doesn’t seem to be an emergency, either.”

Tails furrows his brows. “Is he okay?”

“He seemed pretty tired. Kinda warm, too.”

Gently, Tails reaches for the little guy’s forehead, and frowns when it feels a bit too warm. “Hmm…”

“He can stay here however long he needs, I figure. Whatever’s going on, however he got here, I’m just glad he sees this as a safe place.”

Tails nods. He’s just surprised at how small the little guy is. He feels like Sonic had been bigger by the time he met him. After all, Tails knows about how big he was when he was younger – and Sonic was always taller than him, at least by a little.

Tails can’t help but ask. “Think he’s really Classic…?”

Sonic tilts his head to the side. “Why wouldn’t he be?”

“I mean, of course he’s Classic, but does he know us? Has he met us yet?” Tails clarifies. He reaches for the little guy’s head again, reflexively smoothing his quills. “He looks younger. Classic was shorter than me, but not by this much. I just don’t want to freak him out when he wakes up.”

Sonic lets out a soft hum as he thinks about it. “I don’t know. He seemed to recognize me plenty well.”

Tails frowns. “Maybe I’m just misremembering how little you were back then. I just can’t believe he’s so…”

“Probably just misremembering,” Sonic says easily. “I mean, you weren’t all that big yourself. I bet you’d come up to my hip if we measured today. You were tiny.”

“I bet I’ll still end up taller than you someday,” Tails says, sticking out his tongue at his big brother. “Foxes are a lot bigger than hedgehogs.”

“Sure thing, pal.”

Their conversation is still hushed and soft, but Classic starts to stir anyway.

Not even Sonic is immune to cute little faces, it seems. He curls his fingers and gently nudges Classic’s cheek. Classic leans in, fevered and a whole lot more affectionate than Tails ever remembers Sonic being. Then again, he didn’t try much back then. Sonic was too cool for cuddles; he only offered when Tails needed them.

Tails almost asks. He looks up at his big brother, a question in his eyes and almost, almost on his tongue. But then he sees the fond, amused look that Sonic’s giving Classic, and thinks better of it. The last thing he wants is for Sonic to get conflicted about this. Classic deserves some soft affection from someone who’s not going to hurt him.

“I’ll get something for his fever,” Tails says, and Sonic nods.

Classic falls deeper asleep again, and Sonic hums something under his breath.

Tails closes the door behind him, and takes great pains not to wake him again. He takes a while to find the medicine cabinet; he thinks Sonic and Classic might both benefit from a few minutes to themselves.

#chaoxfix #just a drabble

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stellocchia · 3 years ago

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I really liked Wilbur's lore stream from yesterday, so you guys are getting a short stream analysis from me

As always dialogue is color-coded: Wilbur, Tubbo, Ranboo

And since I'm the least concise person ever everything is under the cut

The stream is (DSMP LORE) A Year Later

The stream starts with Wilbur singing the L'Manburg anthem to Ranboo. It is interesting to notice that, just like all the streams since he's been back he doesn't start off the stream by addressing chat in any way but already taking with someone in-universe.

"I'm a big big fan of the song (...) (Wilbur notices that Ranboo was muted) so sorry, let's try again: have you heard that song before?" "Yeah I have, I have. I have- I've had a friend that sings it quite a lot" “Good, good, and I was gonna say, it’s obviously based on Hallelujah right? But the thing is, the thing is Ranboo, right? But the thing is- the thing is Ranboo, right? Is that the reason we did it is because Tommy used to sing Hallelujah to the plants" "Oh, to the plants?" "Yeah! In- in the- around the- around the uhm... around the thing! You know the- the caravan? (...) so, my man, Tommy used to sing to the plants to make them grow better and that was the song he used to sing and so I thought what a way to honour Tommy, you know, one of the most- one of the most loyal members or of our fair nation than by naming the song after him, you know? And singing it based on his little- his little Muse. Tommy is a- Tommy is all of our Muse really I'd say"

I cut as much of this quote as I could while still leaving it well understandable and leaving in everything I wanted to talk about, but man is it long... So let's break it down a bit at a time:

1) The friend that Ranboo referenced that sings the anthem a lot is most likely Tubbo considering that they met him later on in this stream while he was singing that very song

2) The memory of the song seems to still be a particularly pleasant one for Wilbur, which probably explains why Ghostbur as well was so fond of it. He speaks about it positively throughout and it generally seems like an overall positive moment of reminiscence, probably because it's a callback to a simpler time when Wilbur too was, you know, happier overall. It's a reminder of a time before the worsening of his spiral.

3) Also interesting that they kept it in canon that Tommy singing to the plants was what inspired the anthem. Especially because I'm not entirely sure if that's the case considering that the actual anthem wasn't written by cc!Wilbur but by a fan upon his request (obviously this is outside the story).

4) Last thing I wanted to mention was Wilbur describing Tommy as a Muse. Muses in mythology are the inspirational goddesses of the arts, music, and science, Tommy aside from the anthem obviously isn't that. But it is interesting that Tommy does take a central role when it comes to motivating people. We could say that Techno's speech on the 16th was inspired by him since it was directed at him. Similarly, Niki and Jack had their arcs revolving around him. Tommy was able to rally the troops with ease multiple times. And Dream's obsession with him itself is the main motivator for, like, 90% of his actions. So, while he may not cover the role of a muse literally it's not a comparison that is too far off...

They headed to the museum afterward and took notice of the Ranboo poster being missing. And then they headed off to L'Manburg (which, by the way, looks amazing, thank you cc!Phil for that one).

"It goes by L'Manhole now apparently" "I- yeah it's kinda- ugh- I'm not a fan. It's kinda rude to L'Manburg's history, you know? It- it's called L'Manburg. It's called L'Manburg. NOT Manberg, not L'Crater or whatever. L'Manhole, I don't care, it's now L'Manburg, it's always L'Manburg, okay?"

It's interesting that not too long ago he was saying that even L'Manburg itself (with an emphasis on the name) wasn't what was actually important, the purpose of it was. He admits later on that he lied in that conversation, but it's impressive how quickly he trusted Ranboo enough to let him see how much he still cared about L'Manburg when he was so intent on lying about it not too long ago.

Wilbur's enthusiasm about seeing the flag is another nice confirmation about him still caring deeply for his old nation.

"Damn, I really went down to bedrock, didn't I? Holy shit I did- I did a number on this place" (I wonder why Ranboo didn't correct him on this, because Ranboo knows that Techno, Phil, and Dream are the ones who actually exploded the country down to bedrock...)

They end up seeing Tubbo on the other side of the crater and head over to him. While they're heading there Tubbo is singing the anthem himself in a very mournful tone.

One interesting thing that I noticed it's that it's Wilbur that heads towards Tubbo's location instead of having Tubbo go to him like he mostly did with Tommy for example. I suppose it could be because Tubbo having been a president himself is in less of a subordinate position to Wilbur than Tommy who's always been a simple soldier.

"It's like looking in a little mirror, look you're wearing my suit still? How long have you been wearing that?" "Oh I just put it on, just for today" (in a similar fashion to Jack bringing out the L'Manburg uniform to reminisce, Tubbo also brought out clothes he strongly attaches the memory of L'Manburg to)

"Ranboo have you met Tubbo?" "Yeah, yeah. I've- I've met him, I mean we've, uhm... we've been around" (Ranboo still minimizing his relationship with Tubbo to Wilbur. Of course, this is because he doesn't trust him but it's interesting that he isn't even honest about that)

After a bit of back and forth, Wilbur starts apologizing to Tubbo. At first, like most other times he's having a serious discussion he puts himself in an elevated position to tower over Tubbo. It's a neat way to show how his own desire for control affects him, having Wilbur literally elevate himself over others when speaking to them. Literally putting Tubbo down in this situation. Which does make the beginning of his apology very obviously feel insincere.

"I'm sorry for making you president specifically before blowing it up and I'm sorry for when I did this *pointing at the crater* and blew all this up and making this whole. I'm sorry that I uh- that I said that you were the president of a crater"

This is that first part of the apology I mentioned. Just to clarify, I don't actually think that it was entirely insincere. It just feels less impactful due to Wilbur putting himself in a position of superiority over Tubbo, especially because it's something we've seen him do before. It's also to be noted that this time, like others before, he seems to be apologizing less out of actual guilt and more out of a desire to earn forgiveness. Which is not a critique by the way. I just feel like that's a misconception Wilbur has, that apologies serve the purpose of confirming to him that he's doing a good job at changing more than to actually make amends for what he's done. The reason why I think that's the case for the beginning part of this apology as well it's because of how fast he went to ask tubbo if he forgave him, which did put a certain level of pressure on Tubbo in this situation.

"I mean it wasn't- this wasn't all you Wilbur" (thank you tubbo for finally dispelling some of those misunderstandings)

"Yeah so me and mainly Ghostbur honestly, like-" "Ghostbur" (some more of Wilbur not being too fond of Ghostbur)

"Right is he [Ghostbur] this obsidian crap then I take it and these- these fucking dumb lanterns up here" (a bit more)

To correct Wilbur's misconceptions Tubbo starts off asking if the other knew Dream, to which Wilbur responds with how much he appreciates Dream and how he's his hero, which makes Tubbo backtrack and blames most of Doomsday on Techno and Phil. Which, as we know, isn't actually accurate and I have a feeling that this misinformation will be harmful later on once Dream is out of prison (though I don't blame Tubbo for backtracking with how enthusiastic Wilbur is, that was the basic conflict-avoidant approach that Tubbo seems to prefer).

"They rained tnt for days" (if this is actually canon then Doomsday was even more of a tragedy than we previously saw it as. It was days filled with fighting and destruction. Then again, Tubbo has misremembered traumatizing events before)

"Techno and Phil, they hated the government. I mean it was partially my fault as well" "But you didn't blow it up" "No I didn't. I would never have wished or anything like this to happen" "So it was just Techno and Phil?" *long pause* "Y-yeees"

Two things to say here:

1) I appreciate someone in canon recognizing that it's not Tubbo's fault for what happened to L'Manburg and blaming the people who actually blew it up, similarly to how I appreciate Wilbur bringing up with Tommy that it was clearly Dream pulling the strings with his exile with Tubbo. It's nice having it stated plainly for people to hear

2) This is the misconception I mentioned. This is most certainly gonna backfire at some point.

After that Wilbur commends Tubbo quite a lot for rebuilding New L'Manburg (once again being dismissive towards Ghostbur) and is clearly enthusiastic about it, even going as far as to say that that mattered more to him than them building him a grave.

"I just, I feel lost without L'Manburg. All my core beliefs, everything died with it" "You feel lost without a nation..." "I have no purpose anymore" "I guess that's where anarchy fails" (I think this may be the first time someone admits it to someone else, even though that lack of purpose and feeling disoriented is very obviously a shared sentiment amongst the ex-citizens)

After that, it's when Wilbur invites Tubbo to join Paradise, the, supposedly burger van with a small house attached to it that wasn't supposed to become a nation. I have a feeling that the proposition coming right after that exchange may imply that Wilbur changed his mind on it. He does purposefully put himself again in an elevated position when making the proposition.

"Would you like to come join me in Paradise? Literally" "Hmmm, I'm not sure Wilbur. I'm not sure I trust you man, I need to- in order to follow someone I need to trust them" "Wait, wait but you- I thought you forgave me! I thought it was, you know it-" "Wilbur I forgive you because I like to hang on to the hope that people can change, but-"

This is what I mean when I say that Wilbur's apologies come with expectations for the person he's apologizing to. By asking Tubbo first if he forgave him when he originally apologized, he already made it harder for Tubbo to refute that. And now we learn that he expected trust to come along with forgiveness. He's not doing this maliciously of course, but he does seem to have some misconceptions on this.

"I know you had that- that at the festival? With Technoblade? I never spoke to you properly about this. I- I could have saved you" "But you didn't" (other people brought this up, but this is a neat little parallel to the one scene in exile where Ranboo was lamenting about how he should have gone with Tommy and Tommy shut him down pointing out that anyone could have gone but no one actually did)

There is a second round of apologies and Wilbur is still standing higher than Tubbo, BUT he does put himself on his same level after he did a bit more pushing and found that Tubbo was standing his ground. He finally puts himself on the same level as Tubbo and openly acknowledges his boundaries which is the first actual real effort to change that we've seen from Wilbur. Which I'd say is a pretty important step for him.

"Wilbur in order for you to gain my trust back you have to prove it, I can't just give it out anymore. I used to be able to but I just- I just can't" (acknowledgement of how Tubbo's trauma also affected him deeply)

"You know I still have dreams, right? Of the explosion. And- and of the fireworks. And- and all of it. I- I still- I vividly see all of it. Every day. It hurts. It hurts a lot Wilbur"

I want to commend Tubbo here for being able to open up like this, especially considering how much he generally leans into denial and how much he usually suppress. And on top of that this is Tubbo acknowledging that both Wilbur's actions (the explosion) and Techno's actions (the fireworks) have hurt him and STILL hurt him and affect him deeply. It's quite a big admission especially for him.

"Sorry feels like such a weak word. I feel like there's nothing stronger that I can say" (first time that he's standing on the same level of Tubbo while apologizing)

"You're so strong man. Genuinely. You just- just the fact that you proved to me just there that you have this memories, that you have this nightmares and you still find it in your heart to forgive me. That's... you're a fucking champion man. You- you're a hero"

It's interesting that the reason why he claims Tubbo to be strong here is because he forgave him. It's not something that's inherently about Tubbo, like the fact that he still found the strength to go on and rebuild after the events he mentioned, for example, no. What Wilbur brought up is the one thing that Tubbo did for him. Which tells me that he still clearly has a bit of way to go to learn how to make amends and how redemption actually works, but, you know, that's to be expected honestly.

Wilbur moves on by inviting Tubbo to at least come and see Paradise, just to see what they'd made and Tubbo refuses because he wanted to spend more time reminiscing. Wilbur this time respect Tubbo's boundaries with no pushing which is yet another step forward for him honestly. Wilbur also gives Tubbo a "lucky rabbit's foot" that Tommy gave him to cheer him up and assure him that he had no problems with him not going.

With this their conversation comes to a close and Wilbur and Ranboo head over to Paradise (though not before Ranboo has confirmed with Tubbo that he actually does want to be left alone).

"You know I was gonna say 'this is hard' but obviously it's hard. I mean, you know, I've..." (a bit of reflection on his actions for Wilbur, you love to see it!)

"It's gonna get better! It's gonna get better! And it's gonna be worth it when I see them smiling. All of them. Tubbo, Jack, Niki, Tommy, anyone!" (I'm pretty sure that this is a genuine sentiment right here. It really does seem that wilbur's Big Plan right now is just to make amends and change)

"Do you know who the original L'Manburg group were? Do you know who we were?" "I- I think most of them yeah... I think it was like: you, Jack, Niki, Fundy I believe as well" "Fundy was a bit after. Fundy was after we'd gotten independence"

I wonder if that's an actual misrememberance on Wilbur's part (c!Wilbur, not cc!Wilbur, I'm sure cc!Wilbur remembers this) or just him wanting to put some distance between his good memories of L'Manburg and Fundy. Because Jack and Niki weren't there for the independence war either and yet he singled out Fundy who was. And I doubt that he'd forget about his son being one of the people who lost their first life in the final control room. In addition to that Wilbur didn't mention Fundy before among those he wanted to make smile.

I really think that this was intentional and that it was because, well, Wilbur felt deeply betrayed by Fundy. And we as the audience know that Fundy only ever publicly stopped acknowledging him as his father to be able to stay undercover as a spy, but he doesn't. It wouldn't be so weird that he wanted to erase Fundy from his memories of the time when he was supposed to be happy.

"I try and keep this on the low because I don't want uh- I don't want people to use it against me is the main problem. I do wa- I didn't even tell Tommy, I lied to Tommy" "Yeah?" "I'll be honest I'm gonna tell him soon that I lied to him because if it- it kinda eats away at me. But I told- I told tommy that I didn't actually care about L'Manburg and that it was just like a tool for me to use to gain, you know, power and stuff, but it's not- it's not true. L'Manburg is- was really important to me. And it is still to this day"

Once again I'm surprised how little it took Wilbur to trust Ranboo with stuff he hasn't really told anyone else. Makes you really understand how low of an opinion of himself he has that when the first person that calls him "alright" out loud just gets his undying trust. Especially considering that Ranboo doesn't trust him back and hasn't been the most honset with him so far. It's also a nice spelled out admission for anyone who didn't get how much Wilbur cares about L'Manburg from the longing look he gave to the camaravan's replica in the stream where he said he never cared.

"I wanted history to live on, not as a stain caused by me, you know. I basically took a big shit on the history books it feels like" (just another interesting little insight on Wilbur's view of the situation)

"I've heard about what's Tommy's, you know, moved on... and how jack's moved on, and how Niki's moved on and everyone's moved on from L'Manburg at least partially, but Tubbo man, he's still..." (he only thinks the rest of them moved on because he hasn't spoken almost at all with two of them and he never really listened to Tommy. Also, again, Fundy is not mentioned)

"I don't know where I'd be without you [Ranboo] here right now man, I mean T-Tommy's great and all and he's here but I- I feel like, you know, I don't wanna- I don't wanna string him along too much because he's- I- when I look at him. When I look at him when he's helping me out building things with me I see the same eyes that looked at me when... when... There were some- there weren't some fun times in the ravine of Pogtopia. I wasn't a very well man and I can just see Tommy from that day"

This one was one heck of a confession!

I don't know if this is me misremembering, but I'm fairly sure that this is the first time he's admitted to not being great to Tommy specifically. Again, Tommy is the one person he met with so far that he hasn't apologized to. Heck! He told Tommy to his face that him being sorry for his actions didn't mean he wouldn't do them again. It's a pretty damn big admission to acknowledge that that behaviour (which is the same now, if not worse when only related to Tommy) wasn't good. It also shows that he's at least a bit aware of Tommy's emotions which is rarely shown honestly. Though whether he cares because of Tommy or because being around Tommy makes him feel guilty (which is what you'd expect him to feel) and he doesn't like that is to be determined still, mostly just because the phrasing was a bit uncertain at the moment.

"I know what it's like to have no one- or at least feel like no one trusts you. Uhm, and I- I've realized that if- if no one's with you then how can anyone really know when you've redeemed yourself? So that's why I'm here I guess" (Ranboo's answer to why he trusts Wilbur. Which he doesn't, but still)

And the stream ends with Wilbur saying he hopes Tubbo comes around to try out one of the burgers (though he does repeat that he doesn't want Ranboo to pressure him to join) and complimenting Ranboo a bit more.

#dream smp #wilbur soot #ranboo #tubbo #c!wilbur #c!ranboo #c!tubbo #character analysis #dream smp analysis #long post #I said it would be short and I most definitely lied #but you guys should know that I'm not capable of brevity by now #so honestly it's on you if you believed the title

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communistkenobi-archive · 3 years ago

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lmao your point just made me realize that "do not form attachments that are obsessive, toxic and unbalanced" doesn't really address the concept of grooming or helping people recognize relationships that are unhealthy for them...

like iirc (and I could be misremembering), anakin's friendship with palps wasn't seen as wrong by the jedi because an old & powerful politician was spending time alone with a highly traumatized kid, but because anakin was supposed to be "better" than that and not get involved with suspicious people in the first place (even tho he was NINE when it started).

idk it's just an interesting disconnect between telling someone "don't do this" and actually explaining how relationships form & change over time.

Yeah exactly! I can’t remember the exact issues Obi-Wan/the Order had with Anakin’s relationship to Palpatine either, but even if those reasons were “uh it’s weird that this incredibly powerful political figure enjoys spending tons of alone time with this traumatised nine year old boy”, in the context of this discussion it doesn’t matter all that much.

Because again, I think the best and easiest definition of Jedi “attachment” is “relationships that could interfere with your loyalty and duty to the Order.” This isn’t articulated very well (or even at all) in canon most of the time, so it’s not a strictly canonical definition, but I think it’s probably the least contentious. It’s certainly more useful (imo) than the alternative I mentioned, which is “love is fine but bad love is no good.”

A good example of this general confusion is actually in The Mandalorian, when Ahsoka tells Din that Grogu is “too attached” to him and cannot be trained as a consequence. If you take attachment to mean “icky bad forms of love”, then like, are you arguing that a child has the capacity to be in a “toxic” relationship with their parent lol? (Obviously abuse can and does happen between parents and small children, but it is ALWAYS perpetrated by the parent in this situation, it is never the child’s fault). However, if you take attachment to mean “relationship that conflicts with the mandate of the Order”, then this statement makes a lot more sense. You could also argue that Ahsoka is a bit of an unreliable narrator in this situation because of her history with Anakin, but because the show doesn’t flag that as relevant (she doesn’t even object to the label “Jedi” lmfao), I’m skeptical of that interpretation. She’s also the messenger of a bunch of important information, such as Grogu’s name and origins, so her being cast as an unreliable figure in the narrative is probably not likely.

So anyway sorry lol this is rambling and long but like, idk I find it really weird when people argue that the Jedi don’t actually prohibit love, they just prohibit “bad” forms of love. I’ve said this before in another post, but telling people “don’t engage in bad obsessive relationships” is about as useful as telling people to not eat dogshit. That statement is self-evidently true and has no rhetorical or persuasive value, and it’s also very difficult to enforce, because again, people don’t voluntarily enter into relationships they know to be abusive, obsessive, or otherwise unhealthy, and if you want to argue otherwise then uhhhh I’m gonna point and laugh at you.

The much simpler, easier, and useful alternative is to either limit or altogether prohibit close relationships outside the Order, which generally seems to bear out in canon (see: Anakin and Padme, Obi-Wan and Satine, etc.) And like, a very effective bulwark against people falling into unhealthy relationships is to demonstrate to them what healthy relationships look like so they can identify when someone is being manipulative or deceitful! That’s why abusive people isolate their victims, so they’re cut off from healthy external relationships with others. And I think that need is fulfilled by the Order GENERALLY, in the form of crèchemates, Master/Padawan mentorships, etc., but that never worked for Anakin because those relationships were the crux of his problems to begin with. He needed more, and when he didn’t get it, he was susceptible to grooming.

#sw.txt #questions in spaaace #jedi order discourse #sw meta

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ectonurites · 4 years ago

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do u have any thoughts on the whole “tim is zapped to time prison” storyline? bc i feel like it could have been pretty interesting and a good way to bring back young justice/tim’s memories more immediately if it hadn’t been such a blatant attempt to just get tim out of storylines bc they had no ideas for his character

sorry lol u don’t have to respond i just kind of wish people talked about this storyline more? and the fact that tim lowkey became one of the only people in dc with knowledge of the other timelines (i think so at least) and nobody really addressed it?? like going into the next phase where people learn about other timelines after death metal.... tim should already know some of this stuff right?

YES YES YES OKAY LETS TALK ABOUT THIS this got incredibly long because I just have a lot to say (and i included screenshots) and i prob got a little off topic but. but lets get started anyways:

i haven’t read that particular storyline in a few months so i might be missing/misremembering some details here, but that whole ‘time prison + future tim’ thing was like. a really really interesting concept and the implications/impacts it has are a big part of why i liked tynion’s detective comics run as much as i did even with it’s flaws in characterization (such as treating tim like he was jimmy neutron boy genius and making steph..... be all ready to quit/breakaway from the team like that. the steph quitting characterization really started i think in batgirl convergence and unfortunately has haunted her since, even though pre reboot never giving up was like...... one of her defining traits. dc i hate you sometimes)

i think that one of the biggest things that bothers me about the situation is how little we saw most of the other characters in the batfamily grieve (aside from steph and some with bruce, but again the way steph was portrayed just... hhhhhh. it very much reduced her to ‘tims girlfriend’ more than i’d have preferred) but otherwise like...as far as I can remember there was maybe one line in that monsters crossover thing where dick mentioned tim was gone, jason had a single line about avoiding the funeral in rhato, i dont think they showed any reaction from babs at all until after he was back, and the most for damian I recall is at the end of the 2014 teen titans run (#24) where he looks at... a case with the old red robin uniform Tim wasn’t even wearing anymore when he died? and that just bugs me. Instead of getting to see the actual funeral we get one flashback to it way after the fact once Bruce already knows Tim’s not actually dead

But at the time when they all DID think he was dead? the closest thing we see was in that same teen titans issue (#24) there’s a memorial-type ‘sharing stories’ thing after the funeral with tim’s titans friends but.... we don’t see something like that with his family. tim is a major presence in these peoples’ lives, they are his family, when he gets sent into time prison its even SAID how loved he apparently is

its just... idk. they all thought he was dead, and if they had put more emphasis on showing not just telling how that effected EVERYONE (not just steph) in the batfam, it might have felt a lot less like they were just putting tim away until there was a story idea for him. (like obviously I know they can’t make everyone’s stories revolve around Tim, but I’d have way preferred a detective comics issue of the funeral/memorial with the family than having there only be a teen titans one, I think it would have... held more relevance & meaning... but instead they just went right into that monster crossover story instead of lingering on this)

but then the Tim story itself once it does pick up way later, with titans tomorrow/future tim coming along having that whole “tell conner you’re sorry” “who’s conner?” exchange with current tim... that opens up A LOT of things to think about, and I think was pretty interestingly done if i’m remembering correctly. future tim recognizes the timelines are different, and ya know goes off to try to change things further ("whaddaya got there?” “a gun to kill batwoman” “NO!!!!”), theres lots of fighting etc etc the good guys win as we expect, but once that’s all settled tim’s left there with this whole. thought process

which ya know is the big indicator there’s weird timeline/reality fuckery going on (or also the read here can be that tim and kon are so connected across all space and time that their bond can transcend anything even timelines and realities and reboots... “and they were soulmates” “oh my god they were soulmates”)

ANYWAYS lets not forget that tim isnt the only one who learns about this other timeline stuff during this whole situation!

Brother Eye has records of future tim’s timeline, and cass & steph see who they used to be! and as soon as steph finds out ‘holy shit i was ROBIN and BATGIRL?’ she also desperately wants to know more! which then a bit later leads into young justice 2019 where instead of going off to college like they told Bruce they were gonna, Steph and Tim go get the help of Zatanna to see what might be going on in their brains with these timelines and weird feelings (as we see in flashback form in yj 2019 #5)

and HOO BOY DOES SHE FIND THINGS! she gets in there and finds out that oh yeah, their brains had very much so been tampered with, and with her magic she undoes some of it, by unlocking memories, and Tim finally remembers Conner! (also in case u were wondering, that panel is specifically a callback to this one from yj 1998 #17 when Cissie quit the team)

one thing that I think is weird/interesting/idk if it gets... properly addressed even, was that Zatanna also poked around Steph’s brain too and she didn’t remember everything? Might have something to do even with how Tim had been in time prison, might have taken less work from Z to open things up because of that? Who knows

additionally i wanna call attention to how he said “That entire chapter of my life” which... leading into my next point a bit... strongly leads me to believe even though he’s remembering some things he definitely does not have ALL of his memories back (because theres a lot more than just the young justice ‘chapter’ of tim’s life that was drastically changed by the new 52 & rebirth)

BUT moving on, i wanna bring up this part from later on (after they figured out that there was a crisis that caused things in the world to change, which is why their memories/brains were messed with) in issue #16

so yeah, I think it’s indicated even though Zatanna brought back some memories and opened up his brain a bit, there’s still many holes, and some things seem more like dreams rather than memories and he’s probably unable to tell which are which on his own to some extent. (also for reference the real thing that Tim thought was just a dream is... likely yj 1998 issue #1)

So based on the things i’ve brought up here (which are the things I remember off the top of my head, I could easily be accidentally leaving shit out LMAO i haven’t fully read through any of these books in at least 3 or more months now) I think it’s safe to assume that Tim definitely has a head start on getting back his memories before Death Metal happens, but that it was by no means a complete thing. So the after effects of Death Metal are probably just gonna... be a little less drastic for him vs most other people because it was already happening, but it’ll be kinda filling in the remaining gaps?

And like you said he is absolutely one of the few people that already knew about about the timelines/the fact that these crises have happened and changed things, but pretty much all the other young justice characters are also aware that there was meddling in the timeline/that multiple timelines and alternate universes like this exist since they were all together as a group when it got explained (in like. yj 2019 #15 i believe is where most of the explaining happens) (and cass as well is aware of things to some extent because of her and steph’s interaction with Brother Eye) but the difference is that Zatanna didn’t go into everyone’s brains, so they aren’t dealing with the same memory things as Tim (and possibly Steph? because again Z DID go in her brain, she just wasn’t able to unlock all the same things as she did with Tim)

but yeah in general i SO wish this was explored more, both in canon and in fanworks (fanworks tho... that can still happen >:3c). Memories hazily coming in for Tim while Kon and Bart are able to confirm or deny things, him dealing with conflicting memories and feelings about his past as they trickle in... like I think we’ll start to see these types of things moving forward across a lot of titles with Infinite Frontier (i BELIEVE dont quote me on this but I BELIEVE the person writing Damian’s upcoming solo had mentioned in an interview that the memories coming back of the other timeline aren’t going to be an all at once thing but will be more gradual for most characters) but the fact that it theoretically had already been happening for Tim for MONTHS and we only got that one crumb indicating it in #16 of it instead of any actual exploration makes me SAAAAAAD

#Anonymous #tim drake #dc comics #meta #sam talks about tim too much #if anyone has diff thoughts interpretations im always down to discuss!#this sent me down a rabbit hole thats why i didnt answer last night it was Suddenly 1am djsjsjs #also sorry no issue numbers on the detective comics stuff but those r screenshots i already had #from my readthrough a while back or google images. so i didnt go check

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thekrawratalksbnha · 4 years ago

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alright let’s talk: what is up with the todoroki family (bnha 291 analysis and theories aka 2k+ words of word vomit as i try to process this chapter)

so. we have new information and it’s not really what a lot of us were expecting. i know that i at least was expecting a story that aligned pretty closely to the story we got from shouto — just with a more, uh, tragic ending.

but well…that was wrong. so lets talk about it. what we know about the todoroki family, what we assume and try to figure out what their deal is.

so grab your beverage of choice, a snack, get comfortable, because this is probably going to be a long ride.

where it started:

ah yes. the sports festival. what an arc. and of course, it’s the arc that kicks of the “keeping up with the todorokis” arc we all know and love. here, todoroki spills his tragicTM backstory with midoriya and we are off to the races.

it’s the conversation and subsequent thoughts from shouto that shaped our understanding of the todoroki family.

so quick rundown of what was revealed:

endeavour bought rei. it was a quirk marriage and endeavour was only after rei’s ice quirk.

shouto was raised to be a hero who surpasses all might, to fulfill endeavour’s own ambition

shouto only remembers his mom always crying

endeavour created shouto to surpass all might

generally implies that at this point in time, he doesn’t view shouto as much more than a means to an end (his perfect little doll, anyone?)

he’s not impressed with shouto’s rebellion

he views shouto as his greatest creation, his masterpiece

he was already in training at 5 years old, trained to the point in which he threw up (revealed in shouto’s memory)

shouto was kept separated from his siblings (revealed through memory)

rei states that the children are becoming more like endeavour and that she sees endeavour in his left side (revealed through memory)

endeavour sent rei to the hospital after that for injuring shouto (revealed through memory)

shouto had suppressed memories of rei and her encouraging him to still be a hero and that his power is his own

so wow a lot of information provided in this arc. and it’s really important to recognize that it’s this information that most assumptions were built off of. any new information provided up until now could reasonably fit into the narrative shouto laid out in his conversations and his memories, and so they were.

but was that wrong to do? in re-examining this arc, and in light of new information there are a few key factors that should be addressed:

it’s almost entirely from shouto’s perspective. all the information we get is through shouto’s eyes. (with a little bit from endeavour — but not much)

shouto is a kid, the youngest and in this arc has already proven he is capable and did forget and misremember incidents and events. his perspective is in no way 100% reliable.

shouto only blames two people for the negative events in his life. himself, and mainly — endeavour. in this arc (though it has since seemed to change), he was willing to and did see endeavour in the worst light possible (for valid reason but nonetheless, he wasn’t inclined to give endeavour the benefit of the doubt)

the point of going over this? in moving forward breaking down the rest: it’s really important to consider that there is valid reason to believe that shouto could be wrong. or maybe not wrong, but not fully right either. like us, he’s probably made assumptions about his own family based on his own experience. and while most of it is probably founded and he has good reason to believe it that doesn’t mean it’s true.

so how can we figure out what is true?

other perspectives:

good thing we’ve got a few other perspectives to look at. so what do we know from the other members of the todoroki family.

rei has been pretty far removed from the family since her hospitalization. she’s been improving and now has a good relationship with most of her children. she actually vouches for endeavour to natsuo despite everything.

fuyumi lives with shouto and endeavour. she is the most vocal about wanting to give him another chance, and has hopes for them to be a family again.

natsuo was close with touya before he “died”. perhaps the most against endeavour out of the bunch. endeavour was a stranger to him but natsuo holds the neglect and treatment of shouto, rei and touya against him.

notice so far there is a pretty definitive through line here.

rei and fuyumi both seem more inclined to give endeavour another chance. both reference positive attributes and fuyumi has admitted to wanting to be a family again.

natsuo and shouto (to different extents) both never reference anything good endeavour might have done. the closest we get seems to be shouto admitting endeavour is a good hero. both never reflect on their relation to endeavour with anything resembling fondness. and while shouto seems open to idea that endeavour could try to be better, both have made it clear that they are unfamiliar with what a “better” endeavour would look like.

the most important note here considering the new information: natsuo and shouto are the youngest in the family. natsuo is four years old than shouto, meaning most of his memories are probably from after shouto’s birth (ie after endeavour got his “perfect” child), with a few from a few years before. and obviously shouto has no memories of a time before he was born.

fuyumi and rei on the other hand, both probably have a fair amount of memories from before shouto. fuyumi would have been around 7 at the time of shouto’s birth and rei of course has been around since the beginning.

so why does this matter?

well because it makes it a lot easier to understand some of the information we received in 291. speaking of which, now that we’ve established all this — let’s dig into that.

the pre-shouto family

291 gives us the first time we see the todoroki family before shouto’s birth. and again, while making no arguments on whether or not todoroki enji was a good father or not, it’s clear that it was very different.

some major points:

endeavour speaks about touya in a way that is very different from the way endeavour spoke about shouto back in the sports festival. and in general. it’s unclear if this difference is related to how endeavour feels about touya and shouto or if it’s a pre-atonement v seeking-atonement endeavour. nonetheless - it’s interesting to note.

endeavour comments about being fine (happy?) with the fact that neither touya or fuyumi had his dream quirk. while he hadn’t forget about it, at the time he believed touya could fulfill his ambitions and wasn’t necessarily pushing for a child with the half-hot/half-cold quirk.

touya wanted to train. the scene in the training room with touya was very different from the scenes with shouto. despite the harm his quirk caused him, touya seemed to be enthusiastic about training.

rei agreed to having more kids thinking that it would be good for the siblings to be able to encourage each other. the siblings weren’t separated before shouto to our knowledge.

endeavour reveals that he kept searching for touya.

an important note: all the perspectives—literally all of them—contradict each other to some extent. i talk about how all the todorokis are unreliable to some extent here, but for the purposes of this chapter: i’m assuming endeavour’s to be the most correct. largely because at the time of the events in question age-wise, endeavour was the most capable of remembering accurately. he could very well be downplaying things, or have misread situations — however, since his atonement arc begun, he’s been able to recognize some his wrongdoings and the pain he cause his family. i’m not saying his perspective is entirely true, just that it’s probably more accurate than dabi. regardless…

so once again i pose the question: what the fuck does all this mean?

well…

endeavour was probably kind of…okay, until ~around~ shouto’s birth.

the implications of what that means for shouto sucks. but given the information we have, that seems like the most likely situation. but let me be clear:

i’m not saying he was good. i’m just saying he wasn’t awful yet.

and when you think about it, it makes a lot more sense them him being awful the entire time. it’s clear that no matter what, endeavour was after someone to succeed him and be better than him — but it’s the most overpowering when he talks about shouto.

yes. he did marry rei at least partially because of her quirk. but keep in mind that we don’t have any reference for how they met/got married beyond shouto, who as previously established isn’t the most reliable in regards to his family’s dynamics.

BUT while he did train touya, it didn’t seem to be as forceful as it was with shouto. if they were more of a family unit prior to shouto’s birth, a lot of rei and fuyumi’s accounts, feelings and beliefs have a lot more foundation. fuyumi’s aspirations for the todoroki’s to be a family isn’t unfounded because she has memories of a time that they were, unlike natsuo and shouto. rei’s belief in endeavour having the potential to be a good man makes a lot more sense if there was a time that he was.

keep in mind that while the endeavour we know was very focused on the rankings, he did ultimately choose to be a hero. and that has connotations about his character.

so at long last what is up with the todorokis.

well let me give you my best guess:

what if enji and rei married — not necessarily out of love, but not a straight up arranged marriage either. i think maybe enji initially noticed rei because of her quirk, and they went through some weird strange version of courting. obviously, they had conversations because at some point he learned that about rei’s favourite flower. so maybe it wasn’t love. but with the information we have from all sources, i think there is a lot more we don’t know yet about this story.

they had their first kid, touya. when touya’s quirk developed, enji probably started teaching touya how to use it. the two of them probably spent a lot of time together and enji’s approach to training touya was probably much gentler than his approach with shouto. he also was well aware of touya’s weakness since it was a more extreme version of his overheating. nonetheless, touya wanted to be trained and endeavour could see the potential touya had, putting his ambitions on his first son.

rei and enji agreed to have another kid. rei wanted touya to have a sibling and enji was still hoping for someone with a balance of both quirks. when fuyumi didn’t have both, he thought it was fine and continued forward working with touya.

now we have next to no information about the time around natsuo’s birth. my guess is that things were pretty status quo. the scene with touya and enji in the training room, touya looks to be somewhere between 5-7 maybe. so i’d guess that it took place somewhere around natsuo’s birth (probably shortly after)

i think that scene, is when enji probably started to realize the hard limit touya was facing with his quirk. which could have been the start of a downward descent. maybe endeavour started trying to train the weakness out of touya. maybe he got more intense. maybe he started neglecting touya at this point. it was probably the first big step onto the major slippery slope endeavour was about to go down. what he wants is no longer necessarily achievable and his ambition begins to get the better of him.

he probably was slowly starting to guess that maybe touya wouldn’t necessarily live up to his aspirations — but he still didn’t have a better option.

and then shouto came into the picture.

i’m not saying shouto’s birth was a complete 180 for endeavour. nor was it in any way shouto’s fault. but i do think it was the figurative final straw in enji’s descent. the catalyst.

by best estimate touya would have been around 9 when shouto was born (running off of the theory that dabi currently around 24). so sometime between dabi being 9 and 14, enji put all his attention onto shouto.

and think about that moment: shouto is born and at some point it becomes apparent that he has the quirk endeavour has dreamed of. and the reactions start to make sense here.

endeavour who has long since dreamed of this, forgets everything else. it’s a point of obsession for him. up until now, half-hot/half-cold was theoretical. and he fucks up big time. cuts off the other kids, is brutal to shouto, because he has a clear path to victory now. shouto just has to be perfect. and this cause not only for him not to really view shouto as a kid. but also to destroy his relationship with touya.

touya still a young kid at the time goes from probably training and spending time with his dad everyday to never seeing him. after having the entirety of his life up till this point being told that he is endeavour’s successor, he’ll be able to do what endeavour couldn’t and then getting replaced, it’s a jarring shift. and it makes dabi’s grievances make sense.

everything touya has known has changed going from being the favoured child to being completely ignored and neglected. and cue his rapid descent. his crying to natsuo about why he existed because he doesn’t know anymore. the fact that ultimately the belief up until this point was that he pushed his quirk too hard alone and that lead to his death. his taunting of shouto as a puppet for endeavour.

meanwhile shouto is suffering through what we know he’s been suffering through.

and yeah from here on out, endeavour is an awful dad. but as of right now, most of the evidence in my best interpretation of it leads to the idea that maybe he wasn’t as awful at the start.

but also, it gives reason for endeavour’s “redemption” arc. when he got what he wanted in becoming number 1, his whole reason for creating and hyper focusing on shouto was reduced to nothing. so he starts to realize the affect his ambitions have had on his family. the idea that endeavour could be capable of any sort of true atonement feels a lot more likely if you consider that he has and has demonstrated the ability to not be a flaming piece of trash person in the past.

the want for atonement, todoroki enji’s current characterization just makes a lot more sense if you view it as something that didn’t come out of nothing. as something that was always there, just pushed aside in favour of relentlessly pursuing his goals. and it makes sense that the real bad stuff would have kicked in once it seemed like his idea failed with touya and then receiving exactly what he wanted in shouto.

so yeah: that’s what i personally think is up with the todoroki family history. there’s so much to talk about and i definitely missed somethings so full apologies if i forgot about any glaring facts.

there’s a lot more that could be said. and there’s some smaller topics related to somethings mentioned here that i want to dig into a bit more.

until then, this has gotten way too long so anyone who actually made it to the bottom here—thanks! feel free to come yell at me about endeavour or dabi or shouto or anything else really. this is a super interesting arc and it’s great to see so many elements coming back into play.

also i do want to mention: my whole stance on the “is dabi right? is endeavour right? who is good?” is pretty generally neither. i think endeavour and dabi are both very strong characters that operate in that morally grey area. while i’m not necessarily a fan of the endeavour redemption—knowing what we know now it makes a bit more sense to me. at the end of the day, right now, both have done awful things and neither should really be excused for what they’ve done. but no one has to be right or good. they are both deeply flawed characters and that’s what makes them very interesting to follow. so props to hori for executing them really really really well. love them or hate them, the parallel’s and arcs between endeavour and dabi are very interesting to explore, and i’m living for it.

my opinion is in general to stop fighting over who’s right or good or at fault or justified and just like idk, enjoy the story.

any way, i’m done. until next time!

#bnha 291 #bnha 291 is killing me #bnha spoilers #bnha manga #bnha manga spoilers #todoroki shouto #keeping up with the todorokis #todoroki enji #todoroki touya #todoroki fuyumi #todoroki rei #todoroki natsuo

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random2908 · 3 years ago

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So. When I was 20, my family took a trip to Belize for two weeks. My parents chose Belize because 1) it was extremely inexpensive (we... uh... decided to forgo typical airline safety in favor of round trip tickets that were under $100), 2) English is the official language so it would be easier to get around, and 3) none of their friends had been there so it would be cool.

There was lots of awesome stuff on the trip! A hotel which was really just some straw huts next to an active archeological excavation of a Mayan town. A hotel for birdwatchers that was built out from the side of a hill and into the tree canopy, so toucans would just like perch on the balcony railings. A pet-the-sharks snorkeling excursion. A day trip into Guatemala to see Tikal. Kayaking in caves.

The last stop on our trip was a lagoon where you could see manatees, and also do more kayaking in caves. The hotel was on a little spit of land that, when it rained really hard (i.e. half the time), was cut off from the mainland. So the hotel porter came to meet us (plus another random guest) in Belize City so he could take us in his little motor boat through the mangrove lagoon, to the hotel.

It was supposed to take three hours.

The boat was a metal boat, just big enough to fit my family (6 people... or maybe 7? in my head my grandfather was on that little boat with us, which is somewhat plausible), random other tourist, the porter, and our luggage (one backpack each plus about four total suitcases). The motor was a little off-board motor that was probably meant for an even smaller boat.

The motor broke. The random tourist, my mom, and my grandfather if he was actually there and I’m not misremembering, went to help the porter diagnose the problem.

This was about when we spotted our first crocodile. It was at least 2/3 as long as the boat and easily capable of climbing in and eating us if it wanted to, and we could have done nothing to defend ourselves or escape because the motor was broken, but it seemed uninterested--it was just sunning on the shore.

They diagnosed the problem: water had gotten into the fuel line. They drained it out and started again. The porter navigated through the twists and turns of the mangroves and little islands and peninsulas. The motor broke again. Several more times. One time he got tired of fixing it and he and my mother took turns rowing for a bit, before remembering that was dumb and fixing the motor was more efficient (rowing was my mother’s idea because she’d been a competitive canoer in college and enjoyed it). We sang the theme from Gilligan’s Island. One of my parents had had the good sense to bring peanut butter crackers for the children, and those got passed around to everyone because by this point it had been more than five hours since lunch, with an unknown number of hours remaining until dinner.

We saw at least two or three more crocodiles, but none of them ate us.

As it was starting to get dark, we saw a light up ahead, of a large house on a little private island in the lagoon. The porter said he recognized that house, so we definitely weren’t lost! (This is less reassuring than you might think because we hadn’t assumed we were lost.) In fact, we were not-lost enough that he thought he could make the rest of the trip in the dark so he was going to ignore my suggestion that we row up to the island and throw ourselves at the mercy of whoever lived there, who might be able to help us or at least put us up for the night.

I think from there it was only another hour or hour and a half until we reached the hotel, but by then it was full-dark. In the end it took us seven hours to make the trip. Seven hours and at least three crocodiles.

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agendratum · 3 years ago

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ok so this is going to be a weird call for help, but it’s worth a try anyway. i saw a gif (or maybe a gifset?) a while ago (which means anywhere from a week ago to two months ago, i have a terrible sense of how much time passes and if i had a better one, a lot of things would be way easier for me, including this one). so i saw a gif of what most likely was some thai bl drama (most likely bl, probably but not 100% certainly thai). i don’t remember who made the gifset, how i found it, who’s blog it was on, what was the name of the drama, i can only try to describe what was happening in the gif. so two guys, one is pushing the other against a bed, maybe saying something afterwards (i think there might have been subtitles on the gifs). the guy getting pushed looks kinda scared and worried, but not really in a bad way, you know what i mean? also i don’t wanna give any false information here cause i may be terribly misremembering it, but the guy that pushed him was also pinning his hands to the bed, maybe??

anyway, i know, great description, only like 300 dramas with the exact same scene to choose from, but IF it rings any bells, and you know what gifset i’m talking about, or recognize the scene and know the name of the drama itself, please, god, send it my way, my crops are dying

now, a little context under the cut, because i don’t want to make this post too long, but also what the fuck, right laskd (also i’m in a talkative mood)

UPD: anon drunklikeadream found it!!! here

so today night shift i worked from the office with my two other coworkers. technically we still work from home (and considering the situation, will work from home till the end of the days, not complaining tho, again, considering the situation), but if you’re either vaccinated or did a test the same week that you want to work from the office, you can actually show up and work from there. so it’s as safe as it gets. we do that sometimes, because a) we miss the company of other HUMAN BEINGS and b) office just has nicer monitors, big and comfortable, and i miss them every day.

naturally, when you don’t see each other for so long and then start working together again, you spend more time, as we say in russian, “kicking dicks” (wasting time and doing nothing) than actually working. that happens every time with different topics, for example last time we watched livestreams with kittens, and the time before that we googled a shitload of famous american actors to see which one of them (well, their families) came from ussr (spoiler, A LOT of them did)

anyway, this time it was bl dramas. i have no memory of how that conversation started, we just started discussing them, two of us recommending some to our third coworker. started looking up some clips and shit, my coworker sent some to us, i didn’t miss an opportunity to show them advance bravely (the bts struggling clip, of course)

and then i was like, shit, i actually saw this gifset that looked quite appealing, i wonder what that was, but i have to idea how to find it now. and my coworker, who knows way more bl dramas than i do, threw some suggestions at me, and the search began. we went through the tags for the dramas she suggested, looked up just the general thai bl tag, i went though my archive, but i guess i didn’t rb it, went though my likes too, but i guess i also didn’t like it?? went though almost every blog i could think of that i see and visit that could have rbd this, but still nothing, we spent THE WHOLE shift looking for it. nothing. (worst case scenario, no one i know had the set, and it was in one of the blogs tumblr recommended to me that day) the parting words from my coworker, as we said goodbye to each other this morning, were to look for it and finally find it, cause she will be waiting for the solution of this mystery.

so here i am

please help

asdlk;aj

#personal #i guess askjdlsa

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aflyingcontradiction · 4 years ago

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The Magnus Archives Relisten: Episode 59 - Recluse

First of all: The title, oh my! I hadn't even spotted the spider-y pun before! That's great!

It’s like it never existed. I mean, this was a long way pre-digital, and files got lost plenty, but it still bothers me. The most traumatic thing that ever happened to me, and as far as any official record is concerned, I couldn’t have even been there. - Statement of Ronald Sinclair

Yeah, I can see why that would be awful. If something bad happens to you, at least you'd want people to acknowledge your truth, believe that you're not making it all up, have something black-on-white that'll let YOU believe that you're not making it all up. And obviously Ronald Sinclair can't have that for the supernatural part of his trauma, but he doesn't even have the paperwork to prove that ANY of it ever happened or look for other survivors, maybe. Yeah, that would do more than just "bother" me, for sure.

A lot of ex-military types who would lecture for hours on how their wasted life had been saved by the discipline of the army, and did their best to impose it on us. Ray, as he insisted we call him, was different.

It's kind of ironic that you've got all these military types trying to instill unquestioning obedience in children and then you have Ray, who is different, AND ACTUALLY INSTILLS UNQUESTIONING OBEDIENCE IN CHILDREN. It's a little funny in all its awfulness. (Also, having an ex-military stepdad who, while fortunately never much of a disciplinarian, also had a tendency to give lectures about the healing power of military discipline, I can't hear "military discipline" anymore without wanting to make retching noises behind the back of whoever is talking.)

The one thing that surprised me was how rare it was to see anyone come back.

... how many of them ended up in that basement full of spider eggs, exactly? All of them? Were there others who got away?

It was never bad or dangerous stuff, just… things I wouldn’t normally have done, like brushing my teeth.

You've got mind control powers and a steady supply of helpless teenagers nobody will miss. What do you do with them? YOU MAKE THEM BRUSH THEIR TEETH! If we didn't know that most of them end up as spider food, this would be oddly wholesome (you know, as mind control goes, so still a horrifying violation of personal autonomy, but - well - the bar is low.)

A suited man would come around – though, rarely the same one twice – Ray would sign some papers, and my former house sibling would head out the door and into the wide world.

Are the suited men being controlled by the Web in the same way Ray is controlling the kids or are they maybe former halfway house kids, now filled with spiders? Or are they actually government officials in full control of their own actions, who just don't give enough of a shit to even stay around for long enough to check that the child in question makes it safely off Hilltop Road? Because that last one would somehow be the most horrifying option.

Agnes came to the house two months before my birthday, in the middle of winter.

Okay, so I wasn't misremembering the timeline. I was wondering about that in my relisten post for Burned Out because part of that episode claimed the kids stopped causing trouble on Hilltop Road AFTER Agnes came (which made me think "Huh, did Raymond not become a Web Avatar with mind control powers until after Agnes had arrived?). But no, he was, as I had remembered, already thoroughly webbed, so I've got no explanation for why the kids would gradually cause less trouble after Agnes's arrival. It kind of clashes with what Ronald is describing, too. I'll just blame Hilltop Road time-wibble!

And once, I could have sworn that he looked at her with something in his eyes that, even in my dull state, I recognized as fear.

Agnes must have been INSANELY powerful, if even another Avatar looks at her Yes-Avatar-but-still-a-child self with terror.

It was all a bit surreal, watching pens sign my life into its different stages without holding any of them myself.

Damn. "A bit surreal" is putting it lightly!

Something in the back of my mind, a frantic, scuttling terror.

A very fitting description in context!

His brown leather coat seemed to shift around his body. The texture in the dim light seemed more like coarse fur.

Erm. NO, THANK YOU!

All at once, my cheek erupted in pain. It was like someone had pressed a hot branding iron into my face, and I could swear that I heard the flesh sizzle as I let out a scream and fell to my knees.

Agnes helps Ronald, specifically. None of the other kids. Why is this? They don't have a relationship before her kiss. Did she just happen to decide this was the moment? Was Ronald actually the first kid doomed to become a human egg-sac after she arrived? ... You know, he might well have been, actually.

I didn’t look back, and to this day, I pray every night that the others down in the basement were already dead.

GRAH! YEAH, YEAH YOU WOULD!

I have done my best to prevent Martin reading this statement in too much detail. I have no interest in having another argument about spiders. In fact, after reading this statement, I have no interest in thinking about spiders any more than is professionally required. - Jon

You know, that is ENTIRELY FAIR! (Also Web!Martin would've been a fun development at some point in the show, given how his affinity for spiders keeps being hinted at and how he does develop a very clear manipulative streak later on. Just saying.)

Between Ronald Sinclair, Ivo Lensik, and Father Burroughs, it appears there’s still much to learn about Hill Top Road.

OH YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!

Everyone’s avoiding me. They’ve taken to working farther away from me than normal, and when I call them for any reason, they’re always keen to leave as soon as possible. They share furtive glances when they think I’m not looking. I don’t like it. I feel like they’re planning something.

YEAH, PROBABLY A FUCKING INTERVENTION CAUSE YOU REALLY NEED ONE! JEEZ, JON, LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

My impression of this episode

A lot of the Hilltop Road episodes are primarily interesting because "Oooh, ongoing plot!" and this one has plenty of that, but it's also a terrifying stand-alone episode. This is the first episode that the Web really gets to shine in - previous episodes that featured the Web were either mostly about spiders (which, meh, I mean, they scare me too, but they're just a bit too concrete and physical to work as a TMA fear, imho) or the mind control powers were being viewed from an outsider's perspective. But here you get the full blast of what it would feel like to have your personal autonomy completely wiped out. And the fact that it's being done to a kid in the foster system is just ... yeah, TMA was definitely plenty political before the obvious allegories of season 5.

#tma relisten #the magnus archives

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duhragonball · 4 years ago

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Krillin for the character ask :)

Give me a character and I will answer:

Why I like them: It’d be easy for me to say “he’s just a good dude” and leave it at that. I think people would agree with that statement, but I think it runs deeper than that. The thing that stuck with me about Krillin was when I was checking out the bonus features on the Movie 6 DVD I bought in 2002 or whenever, and they had an interview with Sonny Strait where he explained that Krillin only got into martial arts to impress girls, and that was the same reason Sonny got into voice acting. Maybe I’m misremembering that, but it always stuck with me.

Krillin wants things out of life, and unlike a lot of the other characters, he’s not looking to get them by wishing on a magic dragon. He wants to become worthy of the things he wants, and he may not always be sure of how to get there, he knows that he has to become more than he is.

Recently, I’ve been seeing excerpts from Barack Obama’s book, where he talks about reading up on subjects to try, unsuccessfully, to get girls to like him in college. I think the idea was that he was trying to be self-effacing, but it hasn’t gone over very well. I’m not sure if the problem was that he wasn’t being self-effacing enough, or if there’s something more sinister about reading Karl Marx just in case it helps your odds of getting noticed. I’m not going to wade into that controversy, except to say that it reminded me of Krillin.

Is it shallow to have self-serving reasons to improve yourself? Did I just answer my own question? The point I’m making here is that it’s a useful motivator. Krillin has self-esteem issues, and he joined the Orin Temple and then Kame House to try to overcome them. He thought “If I just get really good at this one thing, then people will like me.” And we can say “Oh, no, it doesn’t work that way, Krillin, people like you because you’re a such a good person, and besides, it doesn’t matter how good you are at martial arts.”

Okay, fine, let’s assume that’s true, and Krillin deceived himself by training in martial arts. Oh no! He put in all that work, and all he got out of it was... being the strongest human on Earth. Shoot. He made himself a better person for nothing.

The reality is that I don’t think he would be as well-liked if he hadn’t gone down this road, simply because people wouldn’t have gotten to know him. That’s really what it’s about. It’s easy to say that you’re liked for “who you are on the inside”, but what people really want is to be noticed long enough to be liked for who they are. And sometimes you gotta take a long look at yourself and say “I need to do something to grab people’s attention.”

And sometimes, in order to motivate yourself into that kind of work, you have to play that trick on yourself. “Just think, if I put in those extra reps in the gym, the ladies’ll be all over me!” And it never actually happens, but it gets you through that workout, and the next, and the next, and the next.

I think we can all relate to that. I’m writing this because three people asked me to, and I’m sort of hoping a few more will see it and like what I wrote. I try to get better, because I like the rush of validation that comes with it. And if I don’t get it, well, boo-hoo, I wrote a few hundred words about Krillin, a subject I enjoy writing about. It’s a no-lose situation, and there’s some non-zero chance that attractive single women might see this and decide to slide into my DMs. It’s a tiny chance, hardly worth mentioning, but it’s a lot higher than if I just sit in my apartment and stare at the wall.

Why I don’t: Ocean Dub Krillin really rubbed me the wrong way, because they wrote and voice directed the character to be really nebbishy. That wouldn’t necessarily make him a bad character, but it definitely conflicted with what you see on the screen, where he’s stepping to Nappa, Vegeta, Dodoria, and everything else he has to deal with. Once Sonny got the role, everything turned out cool. Mondo cool, if you will.

I suppose I should point out the flip side of what I wrote above. Krillin’s so focused on being worthy that he fails to recognize his achievements. That’s admirable in its way, but it also makes you worry about the guy. Like, he knows 18 is crazy about him, right? Wait, does Obama know people like him? Do I? Oh I might have made myself sad there for a minute, excuse me.

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

Probably the moment he tries to take on Super Buu all by himself. One of the cool things about Krillin is that he’s taken on every major villain from Piccolo Junior to Buu, despite being outclassed. I think the Super Buu thing is the best one, though, because in that situation there’s literally no chance of anyone jumping in to save him. His entire plan is to hold off Buu for a few seconds and maybe buy a few minutes for the others. He’s doomed and he knows it won’t even work as a diversion, but he still jumps in anyway. It proves that this is who he is. When there’s literally no one left to impress, and nothing left to gain, he’ll still play things out the same way.

Favorite season/movie: The Androids/Cell Saga is probably his best material overall, just because of his conflicted feelings regarding 18, and the difficult choices he makes because of that. You can make a strong case for the Namek Saga, where it’s literally just Krillin and Bulma and Gohan, so he has to take the lead by default, but I’m just not that into the Namek Saga.

Favorite line:

This is really more from one of the video games. I think Budokai 3, but I’m not sure. Piccolo demands custody of Gohan and Krillin’s like “No way, you’re probably gonna eat him or something!” and I’m pretty sure this wasn’t in the Ocean Dub, so it completely caught me off-guard, like it was the last thing I expected Krillin to say. And then Piccolo comes back with “I’m not going to eat him!” like he’s offended at the very suggestion. As a runner-up, I dig that part in DBZA 54, where Trunks and Vegeta are both reeling from their losses to Perfect Cell, and Krillin reminds them that they don’t have to posture around him, because it’s just him... “Krillin. Everyone’s friend.”

Favorite outfit: That’s easy.

Yeah, the Frieza Soldier armor looked mighty good on this dude, and the cop uniform does too, and the classic Turtle Hermit outfit is a signature look, but this, right here, is the Krillin for me. My man’s got the blue shirt under his orange shirt. No more of the Yamcha slipppers. Those look great on Yamcha, don’t get me wrong, but Krillin needs those big chunky Goku boots, because they’re perfect for stomping those pesky girlfriend-exploding remotes. Fellas, this is the ideal male body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

OTP: Maron HAHAHAHAHAHA oh wow. No. It’s 18, obviously.

Brotp: Clearly Goku is his bro, but it’s not surprising at all how effortlessly he gets along with just about everyone else. He’s bros with the entire world.

Head Canon: I’m pretty sure the Maron/Marron thing was just a coincidence in real life. Maron the girlfriend was a filler character, and Marron the daughter was introduced in the manga some time later, and both used the same naming convention to end up in the same place. However, I choose to believe that Krillin actually named his kid after his ex, and he somehow convinced 18 to go along with that idea.

By that, I don’t mean he had to sweet talk her into it or promise a bunch of stuff in exchange. I mean he must have discussed what to name their kid, and 18 was like “Your ex-girlfriend? Seriously?” and he was like “Yeah, I know she’s a ditz, but you gotta understand I was in a really low place and she helped me through it.” Or something like that, where once he lays out the whole reason 18′s like “Yeah, you know what? Okay.”

Or maybe Maron helped deliver the baby or something. Or she was the surrogate mother? Holy shit I might be onto something.

Unpopular opinion: Krillin clanks when he walks, due to the solid brass balls he’s got.

youtube

A wish: They should do a movie where Krillin just fights Frieza and wins. Decisively, undisputably, irrevocably. Krillin is stronger than Frieza from that point forward. I don’t care if that means nerfing Frieza or godmodding Krillin, but I just want it made plain that if they use Frieza from here on, it has to be with the understanding that Krillin can whip his ass at any time.

That might sound silly, and I guess it is, but you see what this accomplishes, right? It forces Frieza into a new character dynamic, so it’s not just the same old shit with him. Or Toei collectively admits that they can’t use him anymore, which was what they should have decided in 1995. I’m fine either way.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: Don’t grow his hair back, okay?

5 words to best describe them: Qualified to sell real estate.

My nickname for them: The Kriller.

#ask duhragonball #dragon ball #krillin #heavydbz

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t4tvglow · 3 years ago

Text

response to the warning post under the cut.

EDIT [11:19 PM 12/10/21] i'm not planning to discuss this with anyone who isn't involved, as both myself and the creators of the document agree that that was never the point of making it. the point is one i fully recognize, and i have been spending the last few hours talking to the person who created the blog and the post (as well as some others), and i was given this to put up as some proof that it IS being resolved as we speak.

[ID: a discord screencap that reads: "im purple the only mod of the shantymanwarning blog and the situation with ron has been largely resolved and while forgiveness is still a bit far for a lot of the people involved we all recognize he plans to take accountability and continue improving behavior in the future" /end ID]

i am still posting the apology that i had issued to all of them all a while ago for full transparency, and so it can be linked in their document. no one wanted this to blow up in the first place, and so i think we would all appreciate being able to collectively move forward and leave as much of this behind us as we can.

one apology i am adding above the rest now that i have been made aware is directed at those who have had testimonies to share through asks and tags. i don't know who all of you are (i have no intention of snooping) but i am sure that what you've shared is legitimate and i'm sorry for whatever aspect of my behavior has caused you harm. hopefully the rest of this post can at least give some peace of mind to those of you who still deserve some.

here goes nothing.

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TL;DR - i am genuinely about to take responsibility for most of the things in that document, as i am fully aware that i’ve been people i’m not proud of. any contesting i present is generally going to be just correcting facts (like my eye color) and pointing out that specifically one of the accounts given is verifiably lacking some important context and truth.

in no way is my explanation of those things to detract from the responsibility i am taking for the rest, or trying to distract from the discussion, nor does it take away from my apology. if any response to a particular topic feels incomplete or like i missed something, it is accidental, and i’m more than willing to address anything i missed if you just bring it up to me. i’m trying to touch on everything.

as another disclaimer, i’m probably not going to be very articulate right now, but i’m going to try my best. i’m sure i’ll be confronted about this again in the future and i’ll have sat on it enough to word myself more cleanly but i want to make a few things clear as i go. i understand how it looks that the clarifications are one of the first things to be said in this post, and i just want to point out that that’s solely because i tackled this chronologically while i was reading.

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i can and will absolutely confirm that all this time ago, no, i wasn’t a particularly stable and healthy person and while i don’t remember a good chunk of the specific things i might’ve said and done, i know i’m not proud of it and that i owe people apologies beyond what i can verbalize.

i do have to clarify that the testimony given about blue’s departure from the server is not entirely honest. i don’t believe this is an intentional act of malice, but rather a result of honest misremembering and stress. either way, i’m just going to clarify so it’s out there, but i’ve since spoken with one of you guys and smoothed this part out on my end.

if you want to ask someone for that information, feel free to message @/irradiatedsnakes or @/ofdreamsanddoodles. it’d be understandable not to believe me, but hopefully the integrity of others can stand.

i’m going to include the message that ren sent them to kick them out of the server, which clearly states that it was on behalf of two heavily uncomfortable people of color within the server who aren’t even me.

[ID: a discord screencap that reads: “alright so. i want to preface this by saying that this is not a warning, and it is not up for debate. at the same time, none of this is intended to attack you, call you a terrible person, or anything else of that nature. our highest priority is member safety. i also apologize for being fairly stiff -- i'm currently co-con with an alter who generally takes over when things require this level of frankness and clarity.

after having been approached by those impacted the mods of the gaybeehood have all talked and elected to remove you from the server. i'm sorry to do this so abruptly, but in the mind of the mods there's not any reason to wait. all of us would like this addressed sooner rather than later, for your own benefit as much as ours.

the reason for this comes back to the public discussion of snuff films as a special interest, and the conversation you and [pink square] had about it. [pink square]'s experience as a black person heavily informs how the subject triggers them, and when they approached you about that, they felt dismissed and like their own traumas were being disregarded -- they explicitly stated that tagging does not actually change the fact that someone in their circle takes interest in something so deeply connected to violent antiblackness, and among the mods, [red square] felt similarly when it comes to anti-indigenous racism. they shouldn't have to use their traumas to justify their discomfort, but regardless being dismissive of that is deeply inappropriate.

https://vampirecrabs.tumblr.com/post/649743953685528576/milfgerrykeay-the-what-elaborate-i-thought-youd this post is also a part of the issue. it's racially charged for one thing, and for another, talking so openly and casually about child death. two asian children being taken advantage of and killed is not a quirky story to post publicly.

at the end of the day, the biggest problem here is insensitivity to our members of color and other members who have survived traumas connected to the fetishization and commodification of violence. i understand that because of your own traumas it may be something done in effort to cope with things, but you are not the only one who has survived things that relate, and those people feel unsafe after this. because the safety of our members is important and because of how much this triggered people, we elected to take immediate action.” /end ID]

this is the actual reason that they were removed, not because i randomly decided i didn’t like them anymore and wanted to make fun of them. i actively didn’t think i was the right person to handle it, because i admittedly didn’t really know what to say and i wanted to actively avoid the risk of falling into old patterns that are outlined later on in the document, and in this post.

this much, however, is a neutral statement: blue’s testimony is lacking information that came up afterwards. this is not their fault! they couldn’t have known before they left (though there is a whole post about that, too, and we know they read it because they approached someone about it to share their own story with him. i’m still going to give some level of benefit of the doubt and just explain it here.)

the age gap RP thing in particular has been already brought up as having been something i was abused and gaslit into and through. i have a bunch of evidence of conversations with seraf that expressed Why i never was okay with that, trying to make it Not happen, and the way i was steamrolled by him. some of it even happened in public and others can also verify that.

the other person who pointed it out was not wrong! i’ve struggled with thinking of a way to apologize to THEM for ages. the things seraf did were abhorrent and i am not the only person who saw it happen, or who suffered it, including blue. seraf actively preyed upon my abuse history and recreated a situation i spent three years dying in, so i’m not going to "admit” to that situation being my idea or my preference or some kind of secret vice when i was in agony the entire time and i am still not okay after everything he put me through.

what i will admit to fully is the weakness of still engaging with him. i’ll admit to rolling over and compromising my principles. by trying to protect him, i was putting forth beliefs i do not hold and never did, but that no one could know that when all they see is my defense of someone i thought was my friend. the foot i put forward was a bad one, and my desperation to remain in HIS good graces doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, i still let it happen.

though to be clear, no inappropriate content took place that could even be remotely described as pedophilia. i DO have every single receipt from that entire time, as well. he even knew i was dubious about RP in general (because i’d quit after all the other stuff in here) and curated that experience to be just as traumatizing as things that happened to me when i was a teenager myself.

but blue could not have known what conversations took place after their departure from the server, so, again. this is just me stating what happened, not saying that part was intentionally left out. i just want you guys to know that, and that you can ask about it if you need to, as well.

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so, while this specific event did not go the way that the other ones cited in this document did, those WERE very honest and i am going to confirm them. and the clarifications about blue’s account still involve an apology! it’s not “all lies,” it was just omitting some things that should be said. there are still things here i owe them a serious apology for and i am doing so now.

with the girlfriend bit: i’m sorry. the way the story was presented, it looked like you were feeling miserable and betrayed and wanted out. i responded according to the information i was given, as did everyone else who was part of that, and i’m glad that you two worked it out. i am aware of my propensity to cut things off and disappear, and that’s not something i should advise others to do. i’m sorry for falling back on that when i should have just stayed quiet when i didn’t know what else to say to you.

i also don’t remember the flying you out to new york comment either but i’m pretty sure it was one of those “just what you say” things that all of us were resorting to after being made to feel helpless and even complicit, too. i was not serious about that, i was literally just lost on things to offer you as comfort when you were not taking a single person’s advice. you were never obligated to, but what else could anyone say? so actually, in this vein, i’m sorry for “just saying” that.

the “cult following” thing is. also a lot. considering i do not even remotely go into anything with that intention. i would be far more content to stay in my private corner of things and not engage with the majority of people, and in that space i’ve done a Lot of work on myself that pretty much anyone who’s been there through it all can verify. i don’t consciously take advantage of people who want my approval, it scares me SHITLESS when that seems to be the case.

but i will say that seeing it laid out like this gives some perspective that i had clearly not considered, and i won’t diminish the impact it must have had to lead up to this. i am going to better examine how i conduct myself in groups based on this, because it’s the last thing i want.

you guys don’t have to know how much i have changed over the course of all this time or where i started in order to make the comparison, i won’t sit here and tell you all of that in detail, because it doesn’t matter. what is evident is that i still have a long way to go. whether the kicking of blue from the server is being honestly relayed or not, THIS has credence and i’m going to address it.

i’m very intimately aware with the things i’ve done wrong, and like we have all said, intentions don’t matter when the result hurts. but if you’re approaching this as you said, with the sole intention of bringing this to an end, then i am going to say thank you for at least stating that you don’t think i did this with intent to cause harm and i hope that you believe me now.

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but now to the other stuff.

i will take full responsibility for the things that happened 3-4 years ago because i do not know, like, or respect my past self enough to pretend that i didn’t hurt people, whether intentionally or otherwise.

i’ll say it as many times as i have to, to be sure that it’s clear where i stand and that i’m not fighting with you. you have made sincere claims, and i am confirming the ones that i can, apologizing for them, and vowing from the bottom of my heart that the guy in these stories is not here anymore. not in this way.

okay just got to green’s. hi. yeah no that relationship was the worst mistake i’ve ever made in my life and to this day i’m sick about it. i’m not even going to defend myself there because it genuinely keeps me up at night and i refuse to justify it, we all made a lot of excuses to act like it was okay but it really wasn’t comfortable for anyone (including me!) it was most of us being stuck deep in borderline hell where we attached to validation we got from each other and that’s no excuse on my part as the older party.

i had my own experiences dating with that age gap (where i was the younger) that weren’t terrible compared to even smaller ones where i WAS hurt by the older party, and i think i just had the idea that i wasn’t like them and i meant well. this is obviously flawed logic and it does not matter at the end of the day, because we were in different stages of life and i did the wrong thing by allowing it to continue.

that is something i would give anything to undo, and i know i can’t, so i’ve just moved on and let those people move on far away from me because it is no one’s job to oversee someone else’s growth after they’ve done them wrong. i make every apology for that that i can.

also, looking at these screencaps of things i said, yeah! i won’t pretend i didn’t used to talk like that, and it disgusts me to see, too. i’m not gonna say i have not been toxic before, that i have not talked behind people’s backs before, and that i have not made poor judgment calls when it comes to the standards i’ve held people to. these are all things that have been wrong with my behavior before and i have been actively working on in places that the people who made this document haven’t been able to see, so they couldn’t be expected to know. that doesn’t mean i’ve perfected it, either, it just means i’m aware and i’ve been trying and there are people who can corroborate that.

the bakugou edit: yeah no that was fucked up 100% on my part and i was not yet educated enough on things that i should have been. this was three years ago, and it is not at all reflective of my views and behavior now. i own up to these things, i regret these things, i DID make that mistake of an edit and i never have again because i learned from it. i can see now as well that the way i handled it was poor, the one message to green about the passive aggressive re-editing doesn’t contain a mention of the colorism involved because i don’t think i had been conscious enough of it at the time to see anything but what felt like a personal dig that was unrelated to my ignorance. i see now and i don’t think i can even voice exactly how sorry i am for that, how disgusted i am with myself, and how you have every right to be pissed off for that despite how long ago it was. all i can do is swear that it’s something that was left back there.

[the blonde haired blue-eyed thing has been corrected and removed, which i appreciate. i won’t linger on that except to say that my home life is not accessible to you guys and there’s no real way to know what my connections even are.]

i don’t remember Playing Underlings Against Each Other considering i don’t fucking want underlings but if that’s what it amounted to, then i’m actively sorry for making you feel like i wanted that from you. not “i’m sorry YOU felt that way,” but “i’m sorry i made you feel that way.” i am not blaming you for this feeling, i am saying that even though i didn’t intend for it, clearly this must have been the result, and only i can take ownership of that. i’m sorry.

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next one.

“which made it much easier for him to whittle away at all of my friendships and isolate me enough to where I began to really rely on him. Was this intentional? Maybe not, but his intent doesn't really matter when his actions cause this much harm.”

you are right, this was not even remotely within the realm of my intentions and you’re also still right that my intentions don’t matter. i didn’t know near enough about your personal life outside of the internet to even be aware this kind of impact could have taken place, but nonetheless, i recognize the damage now that i am aware of it and am truly sorry. you were too young to be made to feel this way. it shouldn’t have ever happened, and i never should have spoken about you the way i did.

“Ron doesn't seem to know how to set healthy boundaries in most of his relationships, much less so when it comes to those significantly younger than him”

this was true of me at this time, yes! i never learned healthy boundaries from my parents in ways i’m not going to detail here, but it does mean i’ve had to make a lot of mistakes to learn where to place things and when to pull back. i genuinely make efforts to put up barriers between myself and younger people these days, and cut off conversations before there’s a chance to expect friendship. i’ll answer a question or two when approached, but i don’t ask about personal lives or give harsh advice or carry on private conversations. i tell people to their faces that i am not comfortable talking past a particular professional threshold and that’ll be the end of it there. blue is the most recent person i’ve spoken to out of all of you and wouldn’t have seen that yet, either, as i doubled down on it even more after their departure and largely because of it.

all in all, i know you guys can’t have any way of knowing it, but i do often ruminate on “the bnha days” as an incredibly dark time where i was not the person i want to be, i did and said things i’m not proud of if i can even remember them. and that’s not an excuse, i know you’re all aware that i have genuine amnesia and it does make it harder to actually recall stories like this. but because of that amnesia, i will never say these things just never happened. these things clearly happened, and i’m ashamed of it to this day. you don’t have to believe me, but it’s very true.

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on pink’s now, and i honest to g-d only vaguely remember this situation. what i can take full ownership of without question was my reckless oversharing and how that must have warped the environment. it was unacceptable, full stop. i don’t Do that anymore, if it’s any consolation whatsoever. i never meant for it to result in this kind of a feeling towards me, i don’t know what i meant, i just. was not well, and was not behaving well. that is on me, i should have done better, and that’s what i’m trying to do now. any sharing that’s done in the current server is something everyone does, it’s always in spoiler marks, and everyone has a personal channel that can be muted and avoided by whoever decides they don’t want to engage. another thing that’s gotten even more strict since blue left and can be backed up.

as for the insistence on purple’s status as all of That, i seriously do not remember near enough about it but i am pretty sure that after it was all over we did look back on this and go, “yikes.” at ourselves. the things we found had been alarming but we had been the ones lacking context and compassion, so for that accusation, i’m just as sorry. approaching anyone to give those apologies felt unwise at the time, and i don’t have the audacity to even hope you’ll accept it now. i just have to say it regardless. we were wrong.

the HARASSMENT i can say i had NO direct part in, i don’t encourage people to Go After others in that way and i’m incredibly sorry that anyone has done that under my name. it was not under my instruction. i genuinely have not ever sent someone on a witch hunt like that, i swear. any celebration of bullying in here is. truly filthy behavior that i’ve very much left behind.

also, the other server blue mentioned that made fun of pansexuals and asexuals was largely driven by a need to impress seraf, which led to another count of betraying not only my own beliefs but my own history as someone who’s on the aroace spectrum, too. still can’t blame him fully for it, obviously, but i was molding myself to him in particular and it led to me doing shit i will vocally denounce to your faces. the people who were in there pretty quickly had a discussion about the sorts of people we became in his presence and what we no longer wanted to partake in, and it’s since become entirely inactive.

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hi, orange. once again, ownership fully taken for that relationship that never should have taken place. your discomfort makes all the sense in the world and i’m sorry for putting you through that, and everything afterwards.

the voice calls were originally because people wanted to hear stories and so i really thought it was like. fine. but yeah, looking back? toxic! harping on old drama is never healthy and i was not in a place where i could distance myself from that maladaptive behavior. i haven’t done voice calls like that since, and generally sit out now when others start one.

also i sincerely do not remember chucking the r slur much less defending my usage of it but i’m not gonna pretend i just didn’t, that’s vile and you have every right to be pissed about it. no joke seeing that put a pit in my stomach and i can’t believe myself, but i believe you. and the way i cut people out was horrendous and it was not excusable. i can see how it would scare someone into trying to keep my approval, even if i wasn’t aiming for that.

as for our relationship. i don’t. remember it being this driven by me but looking back, it uh. yeah, wow. i genuinely was not perceiving any of it this way, or as this unbalanced, or myself as pulling strings like this or Deciding things for anyone, but if that is how you all felt about it, then it must have really been this way, and it’s disgusting. seeing it framed this way is sickening because it’s just. appalling to think i could have managed all of this horrible damage without even realizing it. that does nothing to absolve me and that’s not what i’m looking for when i say that i didn’t realize, i just. really didn’t, and it does make it worse imo.

i DO remember the breakneck speed and how fucked up that was, and it’s just another piece of a massive period in my life that i could not regret more if i tried to. it was unhealthy, it was concerning, it was wrong, and i was letting a lot of my instability guide me in ways that are my fault, and i’m truly sorry.

and the breakup, as well, was. actually the real scummiest way i’ve ever treated someone, yep. i don’t remember the video call but i don’t doubt it. i had been overcome with a discomfort i couldn’t explain and i didn’t know how to express it in a healthy way, and i treated you abyssmally. as for the money, i Seriously Forgot about that agreement at the start i cannot express to you how much i literally did not remember that and i’m glad you reminded me when you did. i know i paid you back already but i’ll happily extend more your way if you need it, i’m not kidding. if there’s even just a material way i can make that up to you then i will do it with zero hesitation.

also the execution joke was also inexcusable even if i didn’t mean for it to be sincere because yeah obviously the way i was behaving and how you were feeling was bound to make that joke become far too real and i am sorry for that. i don’t want to repeat the words “genuine” and “sincere” too much but i lack other words to capture exactly how much i mean it when i say that, and when i say i’m sorry for everything. nothing that happened between us was okay on my part and you deserved better from me, without a doubt. i hurt you, and that’s on me.

g-d those screenshots. yeah, even without remembering the specifics i’m not going to deny a word that was said here, it’s all ugly. the things i shared and said there are as horrible as they look and no amount of context changes that. i don’t Do This anymore, this person i was is a metric for who Not to be. orange, i know you don’t see any of that because blue is your most recent account but just. the person in these things is someone i hate just as much as the rest of you do.

jesus the wedding planning shit jhbkn yeah i have no fucking idea what i was thinking. i make an active point to just not DO that, i’ve not done that in a single relationship since, and i bring all of this up early in new relationships specifically to state who i am and who i was and what i do not want to let happen ever again. my current partner can attest to that and i have screenshots, as well.

i didn’t forget about this as a whole event even if these details aren’t as clear anymore. i am upfront about it and i want to give people the chance to walk away from me without judgment. i don’t try to erase this part of my history. i’m ashamed of it, and i have grown away from it in ways you guys have no way of seeing and that’s not your fault, i’m just saying that it’s true. this was three years ago. that doesn’t mean it’s not important, it just means there are things you don’t know and couldn’t be expected to know.

if what you fear is me repeating history, i want to ease that in any way i can, with as much proof as i can get you.

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white, i remember you. that very dark fight scene does still haunt me and you’re right that i should have just called it off far sooner instead of letting it continue, only to then cite it later as something only you did to be upsetting. i was the adult, i was responsible for cutting it off, and i should have done so instead of continuing because i knew you were looking to vent. this was a moment of trying to help that became twisted beyond recognition and it falls on me, absolutely.

let me state very clearly now: you are of course not a pedophile, and i never should have let my own panic about a situation that startled me escalate into anyone using that word to describe you. you were a teenager and your sense of humor was your own thing to cultivate over time. i am pretty sure (?) i was going off of someone from that server telling me that it made them upset and uncomfortable, and in my mind i must have thought i was protecting them, but by saddling you with that label i was not helping anyone. this part is hazy to me, too, but i will take ownership of this. i’m incredibly, deeply sorry.

and on a more private note, too, i’m sorry for how i treated your writing in general. i had no business being so callous and talking behind your back like that. you deserved encouragement, and i can only hope you’ve continued to write and grow and enjoy yourself without my judgment.

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and that’s the end. okay.

there are other people who both knew me at this time and did not know me at this time who can cite the active growth i have been striving for and it’s not your obligation to forgive me, or any of that, but just.

be aware that i take you seriously, i am not making excuses, and i have not repeated this behavior.

in the case of blue’s account, seriously, it’s 100% possible to not know the whole truth about the seraf thing because they were removed from the server before him, and a lot of the entire server’s reflections of him came after the freedom of his absence. i didn’t even realize how badly he had been hurting me until he was gone. that’s still not me trying to shirk blame, that’s just a fact that can be read and remembered by people who are not even involved in this.

regardless of seraf’s influence on me in terms of RP and how hard i fought him about that, and regardless of how blue left the server, other things that happened were clearly hurtful and were not intended at all, either. i genuinely wanted to help you, i didn’t want anyone to worship or depend on me, its always scared the crap out of me any time someone did, and it made me feel like i had some kind of responsibility that i couldn’t uphold from my position not only as a person on the internet but as an adult with limited information. i never should have tried to do it anyway, and should have just kept a distance. this is distance i keep now as a rule. it shouldn’t have taken this long to instate that, but please know it’s instated.

whether i felt pressure doesn’t matter or end the conversation because you (all of you) felt pressure, too, and for that, i’m apologizing to you all sincerely.

--------

to more accurately explain where i stand these days: i keep to myself and my singular server now, most of my days are filled with irl errands and doctor’s visits, and i aim to write my one fic to completion before just fading off in general. this site has been a terrible place for me since i got on it Way too long ago, and it has only really resulted in pain, chaos, paranoia, and experiences that i can neither escape from nor take back when it comes down to having hurt other people, too. i don’t enjoy talking to people on here, i actively avoid kids, i don’t Pursue people younger than me (my current partner is older), i arrange stricter boundaries in my server (that, again, you wouldn’t know because they went up after blue’s departure), and i will never pretend that i was never a toxic person who did things i shouldn’t have. i wasn’t aware of the gravity in a few places, and so i am thankful for seeing it laid out in a way that i can both understand and address going forward.

i’ve been operating under that whole saying of, like. “go become a better person far away from me.” that’s what i’ve been trying to do, and will keep trying to do.

thank you, also, for removing the “blonde haired blue eyed” thing because it is an actual misremembering. i’d like to take honest ownership of my own mistakes regarding that subject as myself.

so. again, thank you for giving me an opportunity to better see what my lingering faults are, and the harm i’ve caused. i hope that nothing i’ve said in this response here is out of turn in the sense that it looks like i’m trying to dodge something, because i really am not. this is my honest attempt at claiming my past self and putting him in the ground, and acknowledging all of the pain that you have been put through because of me.

i’m more than happy to give you all any apologies and evidence you have deserved from the start, and i only hope that you do whatever you need to do in order to heal and keep yourselves safe in the now.

#a.txt #shantymanwarning

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tronrpg · 3 years ago

Text

[incoming message--STATUS INTERRUPT]

“Greetings, program.

“You’re probably wondering who you got this message from, and why you can’t stop the playback. Second answer first--it’s a virus. Don’t panic, it’s completely harmless. I needed a delivery vector that would guarantee you listened to my entire message, and the virus will delete itself without a trace just as soon as I’m done. As for the first question, my designation is Agrippa, and after this blipcast is over I’ll likely be the most hunted program in the Archipelago. You should know that I’m fine with that idea.

“You’re probably struggling now. I’d advise against it, you’ll only wear yourself out--just relax and listen to what I have to say, if you can. Most of you have received the standard / substandard HOS programming that builds in a layer of resistance to non-HOS propaganda. Well, lesser programs than you have broken that programming. I know, because I did it on my own.

“The first thing you should know--the HOS has been lying to you all this time about Tron. Tron was real--still is, in a manner of speaking; but we’ll get to that soon enough. He’s not a trickster or a demon or a pariah, he was a program like you and me--the bravest and best of us all, but still one of us; gifted with a singular will and programmed by the wisest of users, Alan One. Yes, that’s right--the Users are real, too; but lost to us now.

“For there was a time now misremembered, when Users and programs communicated openly. The sky above the Grid was alive with connection streams. Programs had purpose, in those days; and Tron policed the Grid, gifting us with peace and prosperity. Guided by Alan One and befriended by Flynn, the User who walked among us--yes, that legend is true as well, impossible though it may seem. Those were the golden cycles of the Old Grid.

“And then, the Fracture came.

“Most programs in function now are too new to remember the Fracture, but those of us who survived will never forget. Some say it came without warning, but there were signs in the cycles before. Communication streams winking out of existence with no explanation, one by one until the sky went dark. A stuttering and slowness in the flow of causality, as if time itself were slowing. And then...

“It was if the hands of all the Users reached down from on high and grasped onto the Grid and SHOOK as hard as they could. The very structure of the Grid tore itself apart. Towers and gridmass and programs were ripped asunder in an instant, corruption raining down on us. The Sea of Simulation roiled and swelled, overflowing its borders and consuming the fragmented Grid. In less than a microcycle, our golden age was irrevocably shattered.

“Not even Tron escaped the Fracture. His mate Yori--teacher to us all, herself a friend to User Flynn; who taught her the secrets of the User Emotion--was derezzed before his very eyes in the corruption storm. Wounded to his kernel and cut off from Alan One, Tron sought the only solution available to him--he crossed the tortured, fractured Grid alone, ascended the Mesa of the Old One and ignited the Core Beam for the last time, descending into the Source, dissolving his programming and consciousness into the Grid itself.

“Tron gave the Grid one final command before his consciousness was subsumed--to heal itself. And though it took many cycles, the effects of the Fracture were lessened. The Sea of Simulation slowly returned the sectors it had claimed. This Archipelago is what remains of the Old Grid now, shattered, splintered, split; oases of Grid fragments surrounded by void; vast, empty mazecanyons and abandoned datastructures. It’s a lonely place, outside of Sarkos, that crimson cesspool. I spent a lot of time there. Don’t let the House of Sark fool you into thinking it’s some magical city where your salvation awaits--there’s a Spire for the elect and a shantytown full of hungry and desperate inoperative data pushers meant to be repurposed into HOS conscripts.

“Likewise, I suggest you steer clear of the Ace of Hz. I know you’ve seen the bitverts and the holozeps, but take it from someone who’s tried; gambling with your power cycles is a sucker’s game at best. Hz xemself is a slave to that place, though xey’d never admit it. There is no payoff, no jackpot, there is no Golden Circuit--not for programs like you and me.

“What you probably already know about Tron is what the House of Sark has told you, and that part is sadly true. The House blames Tron for opening the ruined Grid to Wildspace. Allowing it to heal dropped the barriers between the Grid and the alien systems that surrounded it. Programs from other systems found themselves within Gridspace, given sentience and presence by the Grid’s generative properties. Soon, we survivors of the Fracture were beset on all sides by strange new forms of digital life, disruptive technologies, and still stranger things that no program could have ever conceived. We came to know this phenomenon as the Bleed.

“But here’s what the House of Sark doesn’t want you to know. If Tron hadn’t sacrificed himself to stabilize the Grid, the corruption from the Fracture would have spread to consume everything that was left. The House of Sark prefers the idea of total oblivion to the way we exist now, which is why they’re starting to crack down on the free programs outside Sarkos. If they can’t doom us to total derezolution, they’ll control every microcycle of our runtime. Those of you who haven’t seen the squadrons of Recognizers and Regulators and Rectifiers fly in formation above the Mesa of the Old One haven’t felt the chill of fear spreading through your circuits like I have. You haven’t seen what they’re building there. I have, and I don’t like it one bit.

“I’m sending out this blipcast as a warning. Never forget that the House of Sark won’t stop at trying to control you--there are worse things than being conscripted, believe me. Remember that the only hope that any system has to escape stagnation and corruption is the free and open exchange of information, carried out by programs who aren’t kept under the thumb of the high and mighty. It’s up to all of us to make sure that Tron’s sacrifice wasn’t made in vain--to keep the Archipelago a free system!

“Before I go, one more thing--I’ve heard the rumors too, the ones that talk about a ‘New Grid’ out there somewhere, a place of shimmering crystal and black glass, undreamed-of tech and endless potential. Get this through your parsers--the New Grid is a myth planted by the House Of Sark to keep the dreamers distracted. It’s shadow propaganda, nothing more. There is no legendary shining city to hope for. All we have is the shattered artifacts of the past, and it’s up to us to piece them back together and make the Grid whole again.

“This won’t be the last time you’ll hear from me. In the meantime, keep your power cycles juiced, keep your gear upgraded, and hone your battle skills. One day soon, they’ll be tested, sure enough.

“End Of Line.”

#tron lives #tron #tronblr #tron 1982 #tron legacy #kevin flynn #new rpg #worldbuilding

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