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lemonluvgirl · 3 years ago

Note

You asked for it, babe (Ignore the ask game pun 🤣🤣)

3, 15, 19, 21, 23, 24, 25, and 27.

(lemme know if you answered any of those before but I demand ALL answers!! 🤣🤣)

WOW! Lots to answer! Let's get started!

3. Fave line/scene you wrote this year- I answered this one in detail a separate post. Its actually a scene from the very first fanficion I wrote (Burning Bright & Blazing Free) but here I'll just shorten it to a line instead of the whole scene and say, "we just lean on each other as we keep watch against the dangers in the dark. And it feels as if we've always done this. Like we've been here over and over again. It feels like this is who we are, and that it is finally, blessedly enough for us to be together this way."

15. Something you learned this year- Actually I learned how to insert fic cover aesthetics on AO3 from you Stella! And it really comes in handy! Thanks wifey ;)

19. Any new fics to start next year- well I recently got a couple tumblr ask/requests for drabbles, but there's also this one fic idea that evolved late one night while you and I were chatting with @jhsgf82, and that's to Everlark the movie Misery! I'm definitely wanting to start that fic next year.

21. Most memorable comment/review- There have been so many. Namely all of your reviews @sparklingdust4612, which are so in depth and encouraging they always make me cry happy tears. Your reviews are GOLD babe. I wish I could review as good as you. In addition to all of yours, ( I won't list them all because I'll run out of space) there are a few others.

"You truly have a gift. This is by the far the best reimagining I have read and I’m very excited to continue on to “Golden CagesBorrowed Wings” you really need to consider taking this on as career cause you strung these notes to make a beautiful symphony. Also, the listening suggestions is now my favorite playlist. I very much enjoy how the music really captures the color and feel of what you are trying to bring to life. Keep it up! Can’t wait to read how it all ends…begins? Comes full circle? Lol" -from Silentlight on Burning Bright & Blazing Free on FF.

"WOW! This was such an amazing fanfic for catching fire and is hands down the best rewrite I have ever read. Honestly. You have such a way of bringing out emotions in your writing that is so hard to put on paper. The way you had Katniss and Peeta connect over the course of this fic is the most natural and most true to the characters that I have ever read. It was never rushed and was done so beautifuly. You have such a strong ability to bring characters to life and have us all fall in love with them (deen for example). I am so thrilled you have decided to keep writing into mockingjay because your story cannot end here! We need to know how things are different now that Katniss is the one captured and how Peeta will deal with the rebellion. So amazing so beautiful! Congrats on such an amazing story!"-from Natalie5678 on Burning Bright & Blazing Free on FF

"This is my new obsession. Your writing is PHENOMONAL; the way you can keep the integrity of the characters and make all of their POVs so unique and distinctive. It is true talent that's for sure. I've blazed through your stories in the last few days, thinking about the next time I'm able to read throughout the whole day. I am just so captivated and hooked on this story. Honestly, I want to pay you for the hours of enthralling reading you've given me. Like I haven't felt this invested in a story for years. So seriously, drop or message me your Venmo or something and I will pay you. It is the least I can do."-from SimoneSnickers on Golden Cages & Borrowed Wings on FF

I read your catching fire story in two days and immediately read through all of Golden Cages that you have so far. I am obsessed. The writing, the characters, the life you’ve given them it’s so well done! I’m so invested and want to thank you for the amazing artistry youve allowed us to read. I eagerly await your updates!-from Ahyoka20 on Golden Cages & Borrowed Wings on FF

"I’ve beem reading your fic by the last days and i can say that i loved it, truly, i loved, this one and the catching fire alternative, both are amazing. One thing that really touched me was that the characters kept their essentials through the hole time, I've already read some fics that the characters kind get losts and seemd fake, so congratutions to keep everything "natural" . I am really excited to keep reading the next chapters 3."-from FlyingHighThias on Golden Cages & Borrowed Wings on FF.

"I seriously think you should write a romantic or rom com book! You have an amazing talent at capturing these moments and making them feel so real! I loved this story!!"-from xmasrose20 on The Hoodie on AO3.

23. Fics you wanted to write this year but didn't- I had this one idea recently that captivated me all day. I told you about it on messenger once. I've even got a title and premise worked up.... In an alternate universe, where the Capitol ceased the Hunger Games and began celebrating art above violence, every year the nation of Panem holds a countrywide competition called the Aptitude Games to find the most promising talent from across the 12 districts. The winner of the competition becomes the newest victor, and gains an all access pass to the parties, shows, and secret workings of the Capitol. Katniss Everdeen & Gale Hawthorne are rebel spies tasked with infiltrating the Capitol Elite’s inner circle, by impersonating a rich benefactor and his alluring new mistress. Having run away from District 12 when they were just teenagers, and starting their lives over in District 13, they have trained for years to help the rebellion bring the Capitol down from the inside out. But on their first mission their past from district 12 comes back to haunt them, in the form of that year’s newest co-victors, Peeta Mellark and Madge Undersee.

How will the rebel spies keep their cover from being blown? And more importantly how will Katniss keep up the pretence of being a bought and paid for companion when she begins to desire Panem’s newest victor instead of her partner?

Anyway that's what I have so far. I wanted to start it but didn't. It seems like it would be another huge WIP. I don't know when I'll get around to it. But I want to call it Rebel Heart of Mine.

24. Fave Fic You Read This Year- Wow that's like asking me to choose between my loved ones. But....I guess if I had to choose....ahhh I would pick...Owning Me by Elisza94. The world building and characterization for this one is insane, especially for someone who is not a native English speaker.

25. Already answered this one ;)

27. Favorite Fanic Author of the Year- Again with the making me choose between all the things I love most!!! I guess if you put a gun to my head and told me to pick or else I'd have to say....NOPE! Can't do it. There are too many amazing writers. I would feel wrong picking just one! Can I just give you a list of all my serious nominations??? That's what I'm going to do!!

1. @sparklingdust4612 nominated for her everlark drabbles, especially "Chill..." & "It was just 3 times!!"

2. @endlessnightlock nominated for "A New Path"

4. @jhsgf82 nominated for her "I do Solemnly Swear" & "Today's Forecast..."

5. @mrspeetamellark nominated for "The Professor's Secret" & "Academia"

6. @softlikethesunset12 nominated for "The Most Amazing Coffee"

7. @bethpeaches123 nominated for “Oh, Its You.”

There. I can't narrow it down anymore than that. Don't make me!!! In my personal head canon all of you guys are the winner.

#fanficendofyearasks #letsplay #thiswashard #butfun

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solalunar-eclipse · 3 years ago

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SYCS - 1 Year Anniversary

Chapter title: Set In Stone

Word count: about 4000 words

Author’s Note: On July 26, 2020, I posted the first chapter of Scars You Can’t See. One year later, I’ve written five stories of varying lengths and am currently working on a sixth (wow)! My writing’s come a long way since then, and a lot of my improvement is thanks to everyone who encourages me to continue said writing, whether it’s through likes, reblogs, or comments. Thank you all so much for your support so far! :)

This is a rewrite of the very first chapter of SYCS, since the original could use a little fixing. Some important notes: I’ve edited a few parts of the story to be more in character, Chapter 2 starts in a different place after this updated version, and I’ve also fixed up chapter 13 because apparently I forgot to finish the motif I started?? Somehow??? At least I remembered eventually...

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the (revised) story!

Before, Shadow had always been able to just ignore what it meant to work for G.U.N.

He’d managed somehow to convince himself to brush aside the fact that the soldiers he worked with (had been coerced into working with) wore the same uniforms as those who killed Maria, his dear sister and first friend. To push away any idea that he couldn’t deal with serving the same organization that had once wanted him dead. (It was the only way to stay with his friends, of course he could deal.)

The same thing went for using guns during the Black Arms invasion- even though he’d had amnesia, he remembered enough that he’d needed to rely on adrenaline near constantly just to make it through those times. Despite this, he had still taken the better part of a month to recover afterwards.

His memories of that day were particularly fresh for a while.

Once the invasion had been successfully repelled, G.U.N. had hired him to work for them very rapidly, as a matter of fact. During the process, some of the people along the way strongly suggested that if the organization wasn’t able to keep an eye on him, then…well, then they’d be very displeased.

Shadow knew all too well that you did not want G.U.N. displeased with you.

The hybrid felt nothing but exhausted as these thoughts whirled through his head for the hundredth time. They’d only become a major problem recently, ever since the military organization had begun to require him to resume using guns on his missions. Every single time he touched one, the cold steel left his palms slick inside his gloves and made his head swim with flashes of memories too often repressed. Still, he had to use them- he’d be taken off missions entirely if he refused, and Shadow would never leave Rouge and Omega in the lurch like that.

However, his mental health had been growing ever worse these past few weeks as a result. He thought (hoped) he’d done a good job of hiding it from Rouge and Omega, but Shadow had been sparring with Sonic noticeably less. The hybrid had struggled with the idea of inflicting more violence on others in his spare time, and the hero had asked him about it several times, trying to figure out the reason for his sudden change in behavior.

Shadow shook his head, pushing his doubts and worries away just as he always had before. He couldn’t allow himself to become distracted by his thoughts- they might spill over into missions if he wasn’t careful. Forcing himself to focus on his schedule for the day and nothing else, he walked out of his room to take on whatever might come his way.

…

He was skating through the halls of an old, decrepit building (currently being used as a hideout by Eggman) on a mission. A robot stepped into his path.

Shadow hadn’t used his weapon yet on this assignment. He remembered the thinly veiled threat after his first refusal- we may have to remove you from missions if you cannot handle this responsibility- and felt a cold sweat break out on the back of his neck.

He shut his eyes, whipped out the firearm, and pulled the trigger. Flinching at the sound out of instinct, he refused to open his eyes until the gun was away, when he didn’t have to see it anymore. The robot lay on the ground, a smoking hole in its center. He tried to ignore the lingering sensation of the G.U.N. logo embossed on the handgrip in his palm.

Shadow felt the floor tilt for a moment under him before he regained his bearings.

He refused to look at the machine as he rushed by.

…

The exhausted hedgehog curled up in bed at night, unable to keep himself from hearing gunshots over and over and over. He fought against the memories of that day, refused to let them spill over into his thoughts.

Yet despite his best efforts, he knew he’d dream of it again tonight. He knew that he’d wake up screaming with her name in his mouth and the sight of blood still burned into his eyes. It had happened every night since he’d received the weapon.

Shadow swallowed down his fearful apprehension over what would come next. He forced himself to breathe deeply, to close his eyes, even though he wished to do the exact opposite. Dreams were not real. He could not let them hold power over him.

But still, he shivered as he tried to fall asleep.

…

He and Omega were standing in the center of a courtyard, broken badnik scrap lying all around them. This mission was supposed to be easy, just a simple in-and-out. Take out the bots, grab the intel, and go.

Rouge had asked them to cover for her as she searched for information in the abandoned computers alone. Shadow hadn’t liked the idea of leaving her alone but agreed grudgingly anyway.

He looked down at the firearm he held in his hands and tried his hardest not to cringe.

Flashes of memories threatened to surface again, of escape pods and gunshots and too much blood-

“Shadow.”

He jumped, not expecting Omega’s loud voice so suddenly.

“Yes, what is it?”

“You have been distracted for nearly ten minutes. Are you unwell?”

Shadow sighed, projecting a relaxed attitude. “Everything is fine. I was simply thinking.”

“About what?” Omega asked curiously.

“Nothing much.”

Silence descended upon the two again for a minute.

“Shadow.” the E-series robot repeated.

“What.” he snapped, sounding more irritated than he’d intended.

“Tell me what you were thinking about. You looked distressed.”

“I’m fine, alright?” Shadow insisted. “Just- forget it, Omega.”

Omega stepped closer. “Past experience has informed me that you tend to hide important thoughts from others. Therefore, I will assume that this is essential knowledge until proven otherwise.”

“It’s not important.��

The robot placed his hand on Shadow’s shoulder. The latter wouldn’t admit it, but the weight was comforting, in a way.

“This is not adequate proof. Do you not trust me, Shadow?”

He sighed. “I do trust you, Omega. You know that.”

“Then talk.” Omega’s processors whirred for a moment, before adding, “Please.”

The hybrid’s shoulders slumped- he knew his friend wouldn’t stop until he told the truth. “I was thinking, how weird is it, that I work for the same organization that ki-...caused my sister’s-” He paused on the word, fighting not to trip over his sentences. “-death and...attempted to cause mine. Among other things. And how now...I must use weapons like the ones that took her from me...to harm others.” He sighed, nearly worn out just from the effort of discussing that event’s existence.

Omega jerked away from him, startling Shadow. “G.U.N. is the organization that killed your sister?” he asked, sounding- if it were possible- shocked.

“And the one that locked me away in cryostasis for 50 years, yes.” Shadow said, feigning calm.

Omega made a staticky noise that sounded like a sharp exhale. “Shadow. Why did nobody tell me this before? And why in the name of Chaos do you still work here?”

Shadow looked away, hiding the bitterness in his expression. “Multiple reasons. One, the organization has somewhat cleaned up its act, as far as I can tell. Two, it wants to keep me under surveillance, since I am still ‘potentially dangerous’ to them...and consequences would be severe if I did not obey.”

He tapped his heel on the ground. “Also, it was one of the main avenues for us to become heroes. Unlike Sonic and his friends, we don’t have the luxury of fighting someone who wants us to know where they are. And you know we didn’t exactly have the best record with law enforcement beforehand.”

“Still.” Omega replied. “I am highly opposed to the concept of fighting in the name of such an organization. Have they at least apologized to you? Or admitted their wrongdoing?”

Shadow frowned, thinking. “No, actually, they never did.”

Why did he have to bring this up? There’s no point in talking about what’s past. Let’s just get over it and move on.

Omega looked down, his eyes dimming slightly. “Processing.”

He was still processing by the time Rouge arrived, and remained mostly silent for their exit, post-mission briefing and the entire ride home.

Once the three had gotten inside, Rouge faced the E-series robot. “Alright, what’s up with you? You’re never quiet, but you’ve barely said a word since I got back.”

“I am considering an important decision.” Omega said.

“Oh? And what might that be?” she asked, folding her arms.

“My potential resignation from the government organization known as G.U.N..”

“Wait, what?” Rouge gasped.

Shadow shouted out from the other room simultaneously. “Omega, what are you thinking?!”

“Current logic process is as follows: G.U.N. hurt one of the few decent people on this planet and my friend fifty years ago by murdering Maria Robotnik and many others aboard the ARK, as well as imprisoning him for said fifty years against his will. It has not apologized or shown remorse for those actions. Therefore, this organization clearly has no respect for Shadow, and therefore I refuse to aid them one moment longer.”

Shadow appeared at the robot’s side, placing a hand on his arm. “Thank you, Omega, but you don’t need to do that for me. I’m alright with this.”

(He was lying, of course.)

“Hold on a minute here, Omega’s got a point.” Rouge said pensively. “I started working here so I wouldn’t go to jail for stealing, but I’ve served my ‘sentence’ ages ago. Honestly, I kind of hate it there anyway? Like, nobody even respects us and it’s got way too much bureaucracy and too many outdated ideas. It’d be much better if it was just the three of us doing our own thing away from them, wouldn’t it?”

“Besides, hon, you’ve got to start standing up against those guys. I know you were going through a major existential crisis a while back when this all started, and that was the main thing you had to deal with. But now that you’ve started to figure everything out, it’s time to stop letting people treat you this way! We don’t have to give G.U.N. anything. They never helped you at all.”

“Agreed.” Omega said. “This organization does not deserve you- or any of us. They have wronged you, and though forgiveness is supposedly a ‘virtue’, it is likely so only when it is deserved.”

Shadow stared at the two of them. “That was...actually kind of philosophical for a minute. And convincing.” He huffed, frustrated, his hands curling into fists. “I just…how would I even go about dealing with my grievances with an entire military organization? I would need proof...and I don’t want to damage my standing with the government. G.U.N. can easily claim that I have gone rogue.”

He swallowed, trying to ignore the various insecurities at the corners of his mind. “I’m just...should I really be digging all of this up again? I’ve finally started to get over it…”

“Okay, so first of all, hon, you’d better not let G.U.N. walk all over you just because they can make up fake blackmail.” the bat insisted. “And second, you’re clearly not over it. Shadow...I can hear you when you wake up from your nightmares, you know. You deserve some kind of closure to help you, and if G.U.N. won’t give it to you, then you have to take it.

“Also, here’s another thing- how much worse would you feel if G.U.N. hurt someone else, and we had never said anything to warn anyone?”

Shadow stiffened, feeling ill again. The very idea was abhorrent. That another person’s Maria could be lost due to his silence...“That...that would be unimaginable….” he breathed.

“Exactly.” Rouge replied. “So, consider it.”

Shadow frowned. “I...I’ll keep it in mind. But we should at least see if they’ll do something first before we try to attack them. We might be able to convince them to make amends, after all. I mean, if we fight, we’ll be completely out of a job, and I don’t know if the funds from Club Rouge will be enough to keep us afloat- if we succeed. It’s too risky, at least for now.”

“If that’s what you want to do, then we can definitely stick with that to start.” the bat said. “I don’t know if I could’ve taken any of their apologies if it were me, but it’s not my life, it’s yours. So I’ll be right with you no matter what you decide to do, okay?”

“As will I.” Omega added, placing a hand on Shadow’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Rouge. Thanks, Omega.” the hybrid said, finally allowing relief to show on his face as he looked at his friends.

He couldn’t help but feel that with them by his side, everything would be alright.

…

They talked through most of the night about how to bring it up, what they would say, and even where they would sit to keep Shadow feeling as safe as he could. The hybrid had final veto power over anything the other two suggested, and he tried to keep the wording of the speech he’d give as controlled and polite as possible.

However, he tried not to bring up the “maybe G.U.N. still thinks I’m a weapon to be stored and used, not a person” topic during his proposal. Those insecurities could wait for another day.

They fell asleep late at night, all three in the same room- Shadow made a blanket nest on the floor, Omega plugged himself into the wall, and Rouge was on her bed.

Pleasantly enough, Shadow didn’t have any nightmares that night.

…

“You want us to do what?”

The head of the public relations department stood behind his desk, cutting a slightly dominating figure in front of the team in his room. Omega could easily detect an increased heart rate in Shadow. He was not betraying any nervousness externally, however, and the robot was impressed by his friend’s willpower.

The PR head sat down, and he gestured for Team Dark to do the same. However, since there were only two chairs in the room (as they had known), Omega remained standing. Among other things, it would allow him to more easily defend his friends should the talk go awry.

“I’m afraid we just can’t do that kind of thing...Shadow.” He said the last word like it was distasteful, like it didn’t belong in his mouth. (Or, perhaps, like he wanted to add a “Project” or “Experiment” to the front of it, but didn’t for fear of a missile to the face delivered by Omega.)

“Why not?” The hybrid asked. “Sir,” he forced himself to add politely. “Don’t you agree that it was wrong? That G.U.N.’s soldiers shouldn’t have done...what they did?”

“I am incredibly saddened that Miss Robotnik’s death occurred in the search for you, and that the head of G.U.N. at the time considered you unworthy of any basic living rights.” the PR leader said, sounding more than anything like he was reading a script off a teleprompter. “However, I am not going to make a public statement digging up something that happened fifty years ago.”

Rouge leaned forward in her chair furiously. “So you’re just going to pretend it never happened? What about the trauma Shadow experienced? What about the fact that this kind of thing could happen again?”

The leader looked at her coldly. “I can assure you that this is an isolated incident, and that such an occurrence has not happened before or since.”

“But you can't just-! Can’t we speak with the commander?” Rouge gasped, outraged.

“I can, and I will. And you know very well that the commander is taking a well-deserved vacation, and we are not to disturb him for any reason except an emergency. Now then. Did you have anything else you needed?” he said smugly.

Omega was so, so close to just arming the missile launcher anyway.

Shadow looked up at him carefully, clearly going over the words in his head. “Sir. May I respectfully ask why G.U.N. considered it necessary to arm me? I can apply lethal force if necessary in other manners.”

The PR head frowned. “Close quarters are not necessarily a safe space for you, Shadow. We need you alive, and if that means you’re farther back, then so be it.”

“But- me? Destroying with impunity? In such a cold, distant manner? That’s not what G.U.N. wants to see from me, I thought. And with my experiences, I really don’t think-”

The human folded his arms. “Don’t worry about thinking, just worry about completing your missions on time. And what’s past is past, right? Now then, I expect no more complaints from you three. This meeting is concluded.”

Shadow stood up stiffly. “Yes, sir.”

Rouge froze. “Wait, Shadow, you’re not just going to-”

“We’re leaving, Rouge. Now.” Shadow said firmly, but the two other members of Team Dark could hear the unsteadiness in his voice. Omega remained silent, but internally was playing a very nice simulation in which he repeatedly punched the head of the PR department.

Once they had exited the office and walked through the facility for a while, Shadow leaned heavily against a wall. “He’s not sorry at all.” he muttered. The robot didn’t need his sensors to tell that he was experiencing far too many negative feelings at once. It wasn’t healthy for organics to deal with all that all the time…

“Agreed.” Omega said. “I would not be surprised in the least if he was lying throughout all of it.”

Rouge sighed, before pulling an unresisting Shadow into a hug. “Honey, I’m...” She paused for a second. “I’m sorry you had to deal with that. You shouldn’t have to cope with people like that, ever.”

Shadow closed his eyes quietly and stood like that for a long time. Eventually, though, he spoke up. “.....I know what we have to do. I...I know we need to fight, like you said last night. I don’t feel ready, but just…it has to happen.”

Omega looked down at them both. “You two go out to the car. I will go and get your sister’s files myself while you take a few minutes, Shadow. I am bulletproof and the most likely to make it out unscathed, and if I need help I can call.”

Rouge rolled her shoulders briefly, her wings flexing. “Alright. I’ll be ready to get out of here the second you get in. Sound good?”

“Alright.” Omega agreed. “Let’s go.”

The robot marched down the halls, on a mission. He stopped first to gather everything from their office- or at least all of their personal items. They might need them later, after all. He placed them into his empty chest compartment (he hadn’t refilled on weaponry in a while) and moved on.

The lower levels of the G.U.N. facility were darker and less well-maintained. This was most likely on purpose, to keep people from wanting to go down there. Omega, however, did not fear the dark. He had a flashlight, and a hulking five-foot robot was usually enough to scare most creatures.

Thankfully, the guards stationed throughout these levels knew him, and simply stepped aside to let Omega pass. Quite a few of them were honestly nervous down there themselves, and barely even noticed him.

He noticed a small door marked ‘Records Room- Classified’ and knew he was in the right place. The door did not give him access, but that was alright. Rouge had hacked the system a while back and given herself the highest clearance possible...and now Omega had her spare card.

Once he was inside, he scanned the cabinets methodically until he found the file marked ‘Maria Robotnik’. Inside were papers detailing her death and her life. Everything one could have wanted to know about her was inside.

The red stamp on the front reading ‘Terminated’ was pretty ominous, and Omega briefly wondered if he would be able to remove it. He considered the possibility that Shadow would not be quite so pained upon seeing it if the stamp were gone.

It was unlikely, and so he moved on.

Omega exited the room, hoping that the guards in the security monitor room were slacking off. They often were, so he calculated at least a 70% chance of exiting the facility without incident. He placed the file inside his compartment and continued on.

Being a robot meant that he could not act nervous. Therefore, nobody questioned him as he walked through the halls and outside, where he saw Rouge talking to Shadow inside their black-and-red car.

The hybrid appeared to be rather panicked about the whole plan, so as Omega slid into the backseat, he placed his hand on his friend’s head for a brief moment. “Everything is going to be alright, Shadow. I promise you that.”

Shadow sighed and slumped back against the seat. “Let’s get out of here before someone notices what we did.”

Rouge pulled out of the parking lot with a screech of the tires and didn’t let the speedometer dip below fifty until they got home.

“Right.” she said, once they were all inside. “We’ll probably have G.U.N. beating down our door by tomorrow morning, so let’s make sure they don’t catch us still here by then. Omega, refill your weapons and pack us some clothes and stuff. Shadow, you just try and chill. I’m going to look over this file.”

As Rouge flipped through the pages, Shadow decided that he needed to see these for himself and walked over to stand behind her. Before long, though, he recoiled in shock upon seeing that when G.U.N. discussed Maria’s death, they justified it. Made it seem like Shadow was the villain. A monster. A weapon.

“Shadow?” the bat asked.

“...yes?”

“You know we can’t use this by itself, right? We need more proof. Like, video proof.” she said, sounding resigned.

“I know.” he said quietly, disappointed that so little had changed despite the fact that half a century and some new management had taken place.

Omega cursed out G.U.N. from the other room in response and came over to them, his eyes in their ‘angry’ shape. “We need to stop them now. This revolting organization does not deserve to spend another minute active anywhere on the planet.”

“Let’s get them, then.” Rouge hissed, clearly furious as well.

Shadow felt terribly apprehensive, but despite that, he agreed as well. “Then they won’t be able to hurt anyone else in the future.” he said, sounding more determined than he had in a while.

“You ready, guys?” the bat asked, holding out her hand in the midst of their little group.

Omega allowed his giant metal hand to hover over hers. “Always.”

Rouge looked at the hybrid. “You sure you’re up for this, hon?”

“Not entirely…” Shadow admitted, but took a deep breath and held out his hand too, allowing Rouge to guide his hand to Omega’s, just like she had so long ago. “...but I need to do it, and so I will.”

“Then we’ll expose them, Shadow.” she said confidently. “And we’ve totally got this, because we’re doing it together.”

And as they all clasped hands for a moment, before breaking off to head to the garage, Shadow felt like they really had a chance to succeed.

#scars you can't see #sol's fanfiction #shadow the hedgehog #rouge the bat #e 123 omega #i've actually had this saved for a while! i thought the anniversary would be a good time to post it :)#i went back and reread chapter 1 and was like '.......i could write this so much better now'#so here we are!#i especially didn't like how omega forced shadow's hand- i much prefer this one where it's a team agreement #shadow's still a little hesitant because of how it turned out the last time he went up against g.u.n.#but he knows he needs to do this for himself (and for others too)#i did still try and keep the general plot structure the same though- just improved it (hopefully)#either way i'm looking forward to another year of writing! it's been really cool so far :D #thanks as always for reading

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bedlamsbard · 3 years ago

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Writing tag game -- tagged by @lessattitudemorealtitude

how many works do you have on Ao3?

Discounting podfic on which I’m listed as a co-author, 24. My concept writing doesn’t go to AO3 and the vast majority of my Narnia fic was never cross-posted there. (Or reposted there, actually, I think most of it pre-dates the AO3.)

what’s your total Ao3 word count?

1,050,810. oh, huh, I didn’t actually realize I’d passed the one million word mark (probably with Crown).

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

all of these ended up being Star Wars, which is not a huge surprise. Morning will probably reach Dirt in the next couple of updates, I’d guess.

Immutable, or, Five Times Obi-Wan Kenobi Compromised His Jedi Ethics for Anakin Skywalker -- this is not the oldest Star Wars fic on there, but I think it’s the second oldest. people just really like 5 times fic.

Wake the Storm - did you know that when I started Wake I assumed it was a very niche trope in what was, at the time, a pretty dead fandom? the kudos count on Wake actually outnumbers Gambit by more than 1600 kudos, so the number of people who go from Wake to Gambit is a lot lower than you might think.

Queen's Gambit - a significantly lower kudos count than Wake or Immutable. Gambit’s such a weirdo of a story, tbh, I can’t be surprised by anything about Gambit anymore.

On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone - about 600 kudos less than Gambit, so less difference between Gambit and Backbone than between Wake and Gambit.

Dirt in the Machine - another older fic. I’d rewrite this one if I cared enough to do so, because it’s not at my current standards (Immutable isn’t either, for that matter) and I kind of wince every time I get comments on it. this is the first one of the top five to have below 1K kudos.

do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I’ll usually respond to direct questions, but I very, very seldom respond to comments in general. This is an old standing policy of mine that’s now more than a decade old -- it used to be I’d wait twenty-four hours before responding, then I’d respond right before the next chapter went up, and for a while I’d only respond to comments on the first few chapters of a story. Now I just mostly do not. The reasons for this are: (1) many, many years ago, I lost my temper pretty badly at a comment on a fic of mine (this was pre-AO3, this was back in my LJ days), and after that I moved to the “wait twenty-four hours” response so I didn’t say anything without thinking about it, (2) I do go back and reread comments but I hate rereading my own responses, (3) I prefer to know the comments numbers on my fic are all from actual comments and not from me saying “thanks for reading!”, (4) I can’t take that kind of responsibility for answering every single comment, man.

what’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Of stuff I’ve written in the past ten years? (I can’t really remember before that.) Maybe Backbone, because it ends on that pretty upbeat “yay team we’re going to be rebels now!” note. or Devil’s in the Details (other side part 1), though I don’t really want to consider it a finished fic even though it’s technically finished; it has another “yay team we’re back together (minus Ezra)” ending. I tend to end on complicated and reasonably open endings, not like...happy endings.

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

probably Gambit for the “everything is super fucked up” factor and also the fact that I never wrote the sequel. plus it ended with the entire Wake trio split up in a whole new universe, plus back in the Gambitverse Amidala not able to go back to Naboo, Ahsoka shunned, Palpatine’s new empire, Rex trapped in the Gambitverse, etc.

do you write crossovers?

I did in my Narnia days. I don’t anymore. Working in widespread fandoms like Star Wars or the MCU is basically like writing crossover fic within the same universe, anyway.

have you ever received hate on a fic?

*hysterical laughter*

...yes. yes I have. it’s the reason every time I get a comment notification on Gambit or Wake I freeze in absolute terror. people HATE Wake and Gambit. I hate to say never, but I will probably never write those characters or in that series again.

do you write smut? if so, what kind?

not really? I’ve done relatively non-explicit sex but it’s not something I’m super comfortable writing, especially in recent years. I’m much more likely to do a fade to black.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

I think Gambit got scraped once when it was still in progress and my response was something along the lines of “good luck, bro,” given the whole “still in progress” thing.

have you ever had a fic translated?

I’ve gotten a couple of translation requests but I can’t recall if anything’s ever been translated. (Or if I responded to them...I know a few I forgot to respond.)

have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, back in my Narnia days. Some SW concept writing and that ended so badly that I’ll never co-write again.

what’s your all-time favourite ship?

Kanan/Hera, of course!

what’s a wip that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

gods, Dust in the Air, my Narnia Last Battle AU. Back when I started it in 2008 or so I didn’t have the self-control or discipline I do now, even if I had a lot of the worldbuilding ability and the ability to conceive of if not execute long plot arcs, and I broke off more than I could chew. If I ever went back to it I’d probably have to do a complete rewrite and it has the unique problem among my WIPs of being the last major fic I wrote in present tense -- I now write exclusively in past tense. The bones of the story are good, I’d just have to go back to the bones and not just pick up where I left off.

what are your writing strengths?

Plot, worldbuilding/environment, action. I also do genuinely think I’m very good at characterization too, but I think they’re all inter-related. (Except the action, that’s me alone. I love writing action and I generally get a lot of compliments on my action scenes.) look, I know it’s conceited, but I’m good and I know I’m good, and I’m good in a pretty well-rounded way for the genre I write.

what are your writing weaknesses?

brevity. can’t do it.

honestly, there are others, but I don’t write stories where they’d come up. I think I have a tendency to get to bogged down in dialogue in a way that I’ve never quite solved. I also let my emotions take over too much and not in the good fannish way, in the “I’m having a fucked up relationship with canon or fandom and it’s affecting my ability to work” way.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

please stop having your Asgardians speak Latin for magic, man, that’s my feeling on it.

okay, my feelings on it for me -- I’ve sprinkled bits and pieces of Huttese, Twi’leki, and tee-tiny bits of other stuff here and there in fic. I’d not be comfortable doing more than that because the only other language that I really feel comfortable doing anything significant in is Latin, and even then I’d hesitate. also, like, Latin! not a language that comes up in the fandoms I write in. even then, like -- any extended dialogue should be intelligible to the audience, and I don’t expect my audience to be able read anything other than English; I’d rather just say “they switched to Twi’leki to say” or something similar.

what was the first fandom you wrote for?

like, online? Harry Potter. for things that I didn’t post online because I didn’t know what fic was yet? probably either The 10th Kingdom or The Mummy.

what’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

On the Edge of the Devil’s Backbone. I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever written, I think it’s the most tightly plotted, I think it’s got the best worldbuilding, I think it’s remarkably consistent thematically, and it was, at the time, a fic that I was very devoted to finishing or dying trying, because I was going through it at the time and some of it was connected to the fic.

I don’t tag people, but please go for if you want!

#meme response

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ryukyuan-sunflower · 4 years ago

Note

I have been reading your fuugen monster of a fic (which hands down is the landmark fanfiction of this fandom) and i just wanted to say that i am so unbelievably in awe of your talent, and bain, and skills and reading that story genuinely has changed my view of fuugen and made it so much more...real. I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done for this fandom and yet all i can do is try so; Thank you. So so much 💕

Wow. ...Please excuse me for a moment. I just need to grab a glass of water.

... *wipes eyes with tissue*

Huh? Oh, I um...spilled the water. In my eyes. Ahem. Where was I? Ah, yes.

I'm glad that my fanfic has allowed you to see Fuugen in a new light. More "real" as you said. Actually, that's why the story features so many flashbacks to the anime in key moments. Though, it's assumed that Mugen and Fuu are falling in love as the journey goes on, the flashbacks reveal that they already were in love all along in the anime. But circumstances always worked against them before...like Fuu getting thrown in a brothel in Episode 4...and Mugen going back to save her, but she never finds out. So now, being thrown in a brothel AGAIN in Chapter 17-19, we see a familiar occurrence, yet with all new circumstances and outcomes for Mugen and Fuu. So I guess I'm trying to not only tie up loose ends (like Yatsuha and Hankichi in Chapters 13-15) but also untying the knots that Mugen and Fuu missed out on in the anime.

Finding the Four Eyed Samurai...WITH YOU? still requires a LOT of work. There's still 15 chapters to go. And I'm sure you noticed that the earliest chapters are...well, written VERY poorly by comparison of the later ones.

I originally started writing it 9 years ago, when I was 13/14. Thank you for carrying on through the earliest ones. Even some of the later ones need work too. The only ones that are currently in my mind, "done" with need of minor fixes, are Chapters 13-19 and 32-45. Everything else, particularly 1-12, needs overhauls.

Since Chapter 45, the end of the Tsuru and Giri arc, I have not been writing Chapter 46. Instead, I have dedicated time to rewriting from the ground up.

Currently, I'm working on the rework of the "ghost arc", which is now a whole episodic story, with side characters, a mystery plot, and somehow, more Fuugen highlights. Fuu and Mugen sharing a bed? Well, that's about the extent of what has stayed intact, but for a far more logical, and plot driven reason, if you can believe that. No pointless fluff anymore. Not in this fanfic. But you'll have to wait and see how this happens XD

On fanfiction right now, it's still the same two chapters from all those years ago... But I am extending it to a four-chapter story. I have the first two chapters of it completed, and working on the third. However, even when I finish all four parts, I can't post it on the website, as some of the details in it retcon other things in earlier chapters.

(If anyone else is interested in reading the rewrites before they get posted on the website in May or June, please let me know! I have so much content finished that I can't post!!)

Most majorly, Mugen and Fuu in the retcon will meet in Yokosuka. Not Edo. This is because the ghost chapters will take place in Edo, as part of historical accuracy and reference to real history and mythos of the ghost this arc is being based off of. Yokosuka chosen as the retcon place they reunite in, is in reference to "Letters from Yokosuka" by Nujabes. It is also in reference to the fact that Yokosuka is known historically for where Commodore Matthew Perry from America first landed to open trade with Japan: a nod to the chanpuru concept of American Hiphop meeting Japanese history.

Because of these certain retcons, it sucks that I have to wait until i finish ALL the retcons, instead of arc by arc, like I'd initally been doing. I'd already posted the brothel arc rewrite, and then the Yatsuha arc rewrite after. But now...I can't post the ghost arc. It may take until May or June to have them all done...

If you ever wonder if rewrites have been posted yet, check out my Fanfiction profile, where I post what I have recently finishing revising.

Aside from the rewrites though, an all new will be posted after that.

Chapter 46 will star Jin. He hasn't been featured since Chapter 28, when Shino was confirmed pregnant, and we meet the two boys, Norio and Mirai. His little makeshift family and new way of life will be the focus. Strangely enough, writing about him has gotten me...emotional?...Perhaps because he is still separated from his best friends... And, well...the end of the last arc just happened, and he has no idea what his friends are going through. He will be in his own state of distress for reasons he can't quite place. It's almost like they're all still connected, even when they're apart.

But anyway, I work on this fanfic every single day now, whenever I have free time. I remember, for nine years I took suuuper long hiatuses. But, ever since Covid-19 struck, inspiration and motivation struck me too.

Everything was getting so crazy in the world, and I just wanted to give a little glimmer of happiness to readers who were still waiting. In the darkest, most hopeless moments of my life, there were so many readers that sent me such kind reviews and comments about the story.

But during 2020 and now, my life is ironically at its very best. So...I wanted to return the favor to everyone who had no idea what their words helped me persevere through. I am so blessed to still have such supportive and enthusiastic readers, even after all these years. If there is ever month long hiatuses (like now. I havent updated since December), know that I am actually working on it obsessively.

Your words mean so much to me. More than you will ever know. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

OH BOY. I need water again. What a long tangent this turned into.

I hope that, no matter how long it takes, you will continue to read and enjoy this journey to find the Four-Eyed samurai to the very end. ...More importantly, will Mugen ever get his 100 damn dumplings?!

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy my many Fuugen proof posts on Tumblr as well!

#oops spilled more water in my eyes again #ITS RAINING I TELL YOU #WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERES NO RAIN #WHAT DO YOU MEAN IM INSIDE THE HOUSE #fuugen

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mopeytropey · 4 years ago

Photo

a beer buds series: chapter 4

Author’s note: my moodboard skills are not what they once were ... let’s just pretend that Lincoln’s head is shaved and that they aren’t sitting in front of a giant drop screen, shall we? The point is, this photo 100% encapsulates apu!Lincoln + Lexa energy. Cheers!

Update available below or on AO3: here.

Timeline: the opening scene is a rewrite from Lexa's POV of a scene in chapter 4 of 'a pleasant undoing' as Clarke and Lexa discuss an upcoming day on Clarke's boat in a completely platonic, casual and cool manner, completely devoid of any sexual tension ...

Beer: Heady Topper DOUBLE IPA (DIPA)

The Alchemist IPA contains a proprietary blend of six different hops and has an International Bitterness Units (IBU) value over 120, but it doesn't have an excessive, overpowering bitterness. You'll smell or taste hints of spices, pine, grapefruit, orange and tropical fruits. Even though you'll notice a slight note of malt, hops are still the protagonists.

ABV 8%

Heady Topper: The Alchemist (Stowe, VT)

::: “So, we’re on for Saturday?”

Lexa slips her hands into the front pockets of her well-worn jeans as Clarke opens the front door at Dockside. She extends her arm, holding it open so that Lexa can walk through.

The scent of Clarke’s subtle perfume hits Lexa as she passes by, and she exhales in an anxious puff of air. “Yes. What time?”

There’s an unfortunately adorable twist to Clarke’s mouth as Lexa watches her contemplate. “Want to meet at the coffee shop at nine?”

The seaside port to which Lexa is still acclimating hosts several independent coffee shops. To Clarke, there is only one.

“Sure.”

“Okay, cool.” Lexa has potentially never felt more uncool in her entire life.

She returns Clarke’s smile, easing her nerves by squeezing her hands into fists within the confines of her pockets. She takes another breath while rising onto the balls of her feet and lowering back down. Lexa finds comfort in the sensation—a habit formed long ago to help calm her during overwhelming situations. She feels grounded by the crunching gravel beneath the soles of her sneakers.

“So, what should I wear?”

Clarke leans into the door at her back while they are still stood at Dockside’s front entrance under the soft glow of gas lamps above them. “I’ll double-check the weather, but it’s supposed to be warm. Cooler on the water by a few degrees, but you’ll be fine as long as you dress in layers.”

“Layers,” Lexa nods. “I can do that.”

There’s not much else to discuss. They’ve sat and ate, shared harmless barbs at the other’s expense, and told stories of their reckless youth. At this point, Lexa should be saying her brief goodbye and walking away. Except what should be a simple act, has begun to wind its way around her limbs, pinning her to this spot. Her desire to spend time with Clarke is unrelenting.

The notion of parting ways, of spending time away from her bright eyes and warm smile (and even, though Lexa would unequivocally deny it, her terrible jokes), swarms a heavy dread at the pit of her stomach.

“Okay, I’ll see you Saturday,” she forces herself to say after a rough swallow.

And Clarke smiles again, as if encouraging Lexa to do the right thing. Whatever the hell that is. “See you then.”

Lexa moves across the gravel lot quickly, putting distance between them at a clip. She heads onto the paved walking path that follows along the harbor, breathes in the sea air, and is swallowed up by a darkening sky.

:::

“Someone’s in a better mood than when I saw you last.”

Lexa ambles into the bar with a half smile. She’s only just left Clarke, and there’s a residual adrenaline still prickling her skin.

“I just ate dinner. Well-prepared food generally puts me in good spirits.” She finds Lincoln at the only pool table near the back. He has ordered for them both, and two pints of light golden beer sit on the table in front of him.

“Oh, okay,” Lincoln grins, eyeing her strangely.

Lexa practically hops onto one of the stools at Lincoln’s table and slides a pint closer to her. She’s in a good mood, a little buzzed from the beer she’s already had at dinner, but too proud to let Lincoln feel justified in his assessment of her demeanor. “I wasn’t in a bad mood this morning.”

Lincoln watches her sceptically, amused. “You looked like you were ready to drop kick someone off a very tall building.”

During a meeting with Lincoln and Indra at Trikru early that morning, before Lexa’s delivery shift officially started, she had perhaps been less than chipper. She has no interest in currently dissecting the reasons why and shrugs it off.

“I didn’t sleep very well,” she justifies vaguely. Lincoln looks as if he doesn’t entirely believe her, but she’s enjoyed too good an evening (and one too many beers) to linger on the sour way her day had started. Lexa lifts the pint to her lips before asking, “What are we drinking?”

“It’s a German pilsner. I wasn’t sure how lit you would be leaving Dockside so I ordered lightly.”

For reasons she is not yet ready to admit, Lexa feels entrapped by Lincoln’s assumption. “I’m not—how did you know I was—”

“Octavia told me you’ve been hanging out down there more often, grabbing food and whatnot.” Lincoln shrugs, draining at least a quarter of his own pint. “I made an educated guess.”

First Clarke had questioned her and now Octavia—who wasn’t even working—has noticed an uptick in her patronage as well. Lexa tries not to feel exposed.

“I hate cooking for myself.”

She can hear the vulnerability in her own voice, and she wishes Lincoln weren’t looking at her like that. It’s not pity. He wouldn’t dare pity her. It’s the look of someone who shares an intimate knowledge of Lexa’s life and how much of it she has spent feeling lonely. She wills him not ask any further, urging him to change topics with a kind of hopeful telepathy.

“Can’t argue with you there. The food down there is addictive,” he finally says. Lexa looks up at him to see his face much lighter, matching his easy tone of voice. She relaxes again and is grateful for Lincoln’s perceptive kindness. Then he winks, and she regrets any platitudes she’s ever bestowed on him. “Company’s not bad either.”

“Don’t start,” she warns, already feeling a jolt of panic at the insinuation.

Her cheeks flush, remembering the meal she’d shared with Clarke not an hour before—the easy conversation, sidelong glances, and soft smiles.

“I was talking about my girlfriend. Why?” he smirks, looking all of sixteen and full of mischievous charm. “Who did you think I was talking about?”

Lexa groans into another sip of her pilsner and jumps off her stool in two quick motions. “Did we come here to play pool or so that you could interrogate me?”

��Who says we have to choose one or the other?”

Lexa ignores him and walks towards a rack along the wall where the pool cues are stored.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says, his voice following her across the small, mostly empty room. “If I win, you have to tell me why you were so angry this morning.”

When Lexa has selected a cue from

the wall, she spins to inspect it for bends and warps, arching an eyebrow challengingly. “How about I annailate you handily and tell you nothing?”

Lincoln laughs as he stands from his own seat and begins setting up the table by racking the balls.

“What exactly did they serve you down at Dockside? You’re feistier than normal.”

Lexa pauses, quietly debating whether or not to show her hand before conceding with a grin, “Clarke has that limited-released from The Alchemist on tap.”

“Oh boy,” Lincoln chuckles, his eyes widening. “That’s kind of a heavy hitter.”

“I know. I drank two.”

Lincoln braces himself against the pool table in another burst of laughter, and Lexa resumes her bright and cheerful mood.

:::

After Lincoln starts their first game and breaks the balls across the table with a loud crack, he misses his second shot and Lexa steps up. Brightly colored balls have scattered across the green tabletop, and she carefully examines her plan of attack. She clears half the table before narrowly missing a long corner, and Lincoln grimaces into the last dregs of his beer.

“I always forget how good you are at this game.”

Lexa grins at the reluctant compliment. “You can blame Anya for that.”

“Oh, I blame Anya for almost everything when it comes to you.”

Lincoln squares up to the table and Lexa leans against her stool without actually sitting down. Watching him hover over the cue ball, lining up his shot, gives Lexa an idea and she pulls her phone from the back pocket of her jeans.

“Did you just take a picture of me?” Lincoln asks after he’s sunk the four ball into a side pocket.

“Yes. Anya is convinced I have obliterated any chance of a social life by moving into the heart of Red Sox Nation. I’m proving her wrong.”

“You’ve known me since I was eleven. Does that even count?”

“Semantics,” Lexa responds, eyes trained on her phone and the scathing message she’s composing to her sister.

“Your social life is fine. Clearly Anya isn’t aware you recently hosted a wildly successful game night.”

As she waits for the photo to send, Lexa sips at her beer. “She would probably be horrified at the thought of so many new acquaintances in her personal space.”

“She is suspiciously private,” Lincoln contemplates. “Secret life in espionage?”

“Entirely possible.” Lexa’s phone buzzes and she looks down anticipating a snarky response from her sister, only to see a message from Clarke instead.

Clarke Griffin (9:00pm): just checked again, forecast for Saturday looks perfect

There are smiley faces and random nautical emojis and bursts of sunshine, and it’s more-or-less everything that Lexa hates about text messages. Except—

“That is not a smile I have ever associated with your sister.”

Lexa nearly drops her phone.

“Oh, it wasn’t—I was just—“

“I’m just kidding,” Lincoln grins, clapping a hand to Lexa’s upper arm. “You’re up.”

Lexa shakes her head, brushing off Lincoln’s curiosity as if her heart hadn’t violently knocked against her sternum. “No, it’s fine. Clarke is taking me fishing on Saturday—she was just texting about the weather.”

“Ooh, Clarke’s taking you on the boat?”

Lincoln looks practically giddy as Lexa finishes her beer and pushes away from her stool to examine the pool table. “Yeah.”

“She must really like you.”

Leaning into her shot, Lexa pretends her stomach doesn’t feel hollow. “We’re friends.” She keeps her focus and sinks her final ball seamlessly.

“Yeah, I know,” Lincoln shrugs with an easy smile. “That’s what I meant.”

“I’m about to end this game by placing the eight ball in that corner pocket. If that’s okay with you.”

“Perfect,” Lincoln laughs with a clap. “I’ll get us more beer.”

:::

“I’m walking with you.”

“You’re being absurd.”

“I’m walking with you,” Lincoln reiterates while signing for their tab.

“Lincoln, I can practically see my doorstep from here.”

“Do I think you’re going to get mugged on State Street at eleven pm? No. Do I think you’re entirely capable of walking 600 yards on your own? Absolutely. Do I worry for your safety anyway because I love you? Fuck yes I do.”

Lexa’s small chuckle is concession enough, and Lincoln slings an arm around her shoulders as they exit the bar. “You’re an imbecile.”

She thinks, by the adoring look on Lincoln’s face, that he understands she also means: I love you, too.

They cross over State Street and turn onto a smaller, darker street with less foot traffic. Not entirely residential but quieter than the city square. Ducking into the alcove of Lexa’s building, she reaches into her pocket for her keys.

“Tell Costia I said hey … and sorry for getting you drunk,” Lincoln tacks on a second later, and not looking entirely apologetic.

Lexa screws up her face and lightly shoves his broad shoulder. “You didn’t.” She exhales and jingles the small ring of keys in her hand. “Costia is staying in Boston tonight anyway.”

“Oh.”

“When she works late and has early classes, her friends from the program let her crash at their apartment in the city. The train can be exhausting.”

Lincoln massages the back of his neck, and Lexa wonders why her pulse has started to thrum. “That’s tough. Are you … okay with that?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Lex—“

“Her friends are impossibly nice people, and Costia is doing what she loves. I’m happy for her.”

The sentiment is not disingenuous; it just says nothing of Lexa or her role in Costia’s new life.

“Okay,” Lincoln shrugs, his hands deep in his jeans pockets as he gives Lexa an easy smile. “If you ever need to talk about any of it, though.”

“I know. Thanks, Linc.”

“All right, get in here.”

Lexa is wrapped up in a smothering hug, bound by Lincoln’s hulking arms before she can react. She exhales against his chest, relaxing into the embrace a moment later. She’s still a bit tipsy, feeling vulnerable from talk of her relationship, and savors the warmth of Lincoln’s arms holding tight.

“Do you want me to come up? Stay the night for a sleepover?”

“No,” Lexa laughs as they gradually release from the hug. “I’m exhausted. I’m going to crash the second I hit the sheets.”

“Okay good, because Octavia is meeting me at my apartment.”

Lexa frowns, landing a soft punch to Lincoln’s abdomen. “Get out of here, jackass.”

Lincoln feigns injury and falls backwards off the steps with a laugh. “Hey, you’re gonna have the best time on the boat on Saturday—send me pictures if you catch anything, okay?”

“My expectations are relatively low.”

“It’s not really about the fish anyway. It’ll be great either way. You’re gonna love it. Trust me.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Lexa says, channeling casual indifference instead of the anxious uncertainty she has felt since agreeing to Clarke’s offer.

As she keys into her building and jogs up the narrow staircase, she lets herself imagine, even briefly, what it might be like if Clarke were there on the couch in soft clothing, waiting for her to come home.

:::

#a beer bud series #apu #a pleasant undoing #brewkru!#clexa fic

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cycwrites · 4 years ago

Note

Hi! I read your fic “Switching Gears” a few weeks back and I just wanna express my gratitude for making that fic! It’s amazing really, I can’t wait for you to make an update, I recently found your account in tumblr so I don’t really know how you’ve been doing but if you are resting then rest well! Your rest will be a great investment for your future updates xoxo

I just realized I am a terrible person because I haven’t answered this yet!

At the time I was feeling down and didn’t really have a lot of oomph about my progress and didn’t want to be a downer. (Too late.)

But I did - and still do - appreciate that you took the time to send this. It helped a lot and gave me a wee bit of pep to maybe get off my butt.

I’ve hit a serious lull this year, an unexpected one at that, and have increasingly stressed myself out for not producing as much content as I did year one of writing. I don’t think I’ve even matched year two at this point lol.

But. I’ve finished a fic tease that’s going up this year. I’ve almost got my Mitchsen oneshot done. And I have it in my head to really try and finish Gears before the end of the year. It’s been long enough and really there’s only 2 chapters so what’s my problem. (I can’t write smut anymore is my problem, I’m broken.)

Then hopefully I can start the year fresh and work on my rewrite of PP2 with other oneshots or things mixed in.

I love Gears, so much more than I thought I would when I started it. It makes me happy when other people do too, since it’s a Staubrey story and gets less love than the others. They deserve their happy ending and who knows. Maybe I’ll get around to writing the sequel that lurks in the back of my mind, takes place a year or so later and would put the 4 of them together like they’re insisting is endgame.

Thank you again for reaching out, it does mean the world. I hope you and yours are safe in the chaos that is life.

#send me asks #answered asks #cyc writes #cyc overshares

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beatrixacs · 4 years ago

Text

2020 IN WRITING

Tagged by: @indestinatus 💖

Tagging: Do I even have anyone else to tag? @lexinoctura? @tivaholic4? @geranition? @dazzlingstarlight?

1. List of works published this year:

Published: Episode IX: Victory of the Dyad (Star Wars, Reylo, rated M/E, in progress)

AO3, Fanfiction.net

Updated: Christmas Meeting (NCIS, TIVA, rated M/E, completed)

AO3, Fanfiction.net

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

I guess Christmas Meeting mentioned above. When you finishing writing something you have been working on for five damn years, you feel proud.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Since my work this year was solely focused on finishing one story and starting a new one, I haven’t really written much in the amount of stories so I can just list a chapter I’m not proud of and that is... Chapter 43 of Christmas Meeting, the TIVA wedding. Even writing them after so many years, I didn’t write a wedding before (for them) so it was a challenge I think I did right only from half. Half of the chapter is fine, half of the chapter isn’t that good as I pictured it to be.

4. A favourite excerpt of your writing:

Oh jeez... I don’t know? A whole excerpt would probably involve Chapter 42 of Christmas Meeting where I made Tony and Ziva rethink a real event in their life and transform it into a sexual fantasy. That was such a fun to write, honestly and it’s one of my favourite things I have ever written this year. It wasn’t much popular among the readers (not sure why but honestly, Fanfiction.net as a site is dying slowly and painfully) but that finally felt as something I wrote for fun and myself than for someone else and out of duty.

5. Share or describe a favourite review you received:

Can’t really choose one, that’s impossible and disrespectful to everyone. I appreciate and cherish every single one I get and that’s that.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

March/April? The whole ‘let’s rotate in the office after 2 weeks’ and be constantly locked at home didn’t really do anything good for my writing. I was less inspired and just not myself the whole time. And even when I went out for the walk, it didn’t get better. I guess more factors where at play because nearing the end of a story you work on for so long is both exciting and terrifying and the whole fandom has changed so many times during it and I just didn’t feel as excited as I was supposed to be, I guess, because the whole mood in the fandom was just... zero. Many people left and I don’t blame them. But it felt disheartening as if the people that used to wait enthusiastically for my updates were gone without a word, focusing on other things and I just couldn’t move on because I always finish what I start. And I really wanted to move on as they did. Not their fault but mine.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Hm... Writing Anakin Skywalker? It was something I planned to do and feared it because my relationship with Star Wars prequels is complicated (I like them and it’s not Hayden’s fault, I just struggle with some of the weird dialogue in the movies) and I think the result is actually pretty good. People still need to wait to see it but it’s written and I love it.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I found my passion again and I resolved NOT to write another long-ass story for five damn years. I admire if someone can do that without getting affected but I just... I love the story, I really do but a lot of chapters just felt like a chore to me, and not fun. I wanted it to end but I also wanted to communicate the rest of my ideas to bring it to the ful circle. Maybe it was a mistake, I don’t know. I just don’t wish to feel like that ever again.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

To learn – and I repeat that every year – that not writing that day I imagined I would write is not something I should reproach myself for. Stuff just happens. If I choose to play a game instead? So what... If I have a migraine that I can’t even keep my eyes open? So what? The result would suck and I would spend yet another day by rewriting it. It’s not a sin.

10. Who was the greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Well, aside the stable people in my life I know I can turn to whenever I have some writing problem and need another point of view – and they know who they are – probably @lexinoctura ? Just the sheer thought I can come in with some question for an opinion or just general talk about the topic is amazing. I don’t have many Star Wars writer friends and the ones I know have zero idea about the universe so I really appreciate it.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Believe it or not, there is always something from my real life that shows up in my writing. The greatest one for this year is – Christmas Meeting Chapter 43 and the wedding in Prague. I have included my home and birth city so that’s me.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Just because you decide to write something else after devoting most of your writing skills to one fandom, doesn’t mean you hate it, forgot it or erased it from your life. It’s still part of you and it will always be part of you but life is life and if you feel inspired by something else, it’s not bad to turn away but actually, it would be a shame not to do it. So do it, spread your interests and even if you are ‘famous’ or something in that one fandom while ‘unknown and newbie’ in the other one, don’t let it discourage you. Remember, it’s a start and beginnings are always the hardest. It’ll be fine.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Surely! I’m looking forward to finishing the story I am currently writing while starting a whole new idea that developed in my head over Christmas, just as I intend to return to my original fantasy story and approach it from a different perspective. It needs to be redone.

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year:

Well, of course I am going to promote a story I have recently published!

Episode IX: Victory of the Dyad (Star Wars, Reylo, rated M/E, in progress)

AO3, Fanfiction.net

15. Year word count:

144,692 words – not my strongest year but I have struggled a lot in certain point, plus the whole year situation wasn’t that ideal for writing but I still think it’s pretty decent.

#about me #tagged #2020 in writing #writing tag #personal #writing

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matsumi101 · 4 years ago

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Who is this Kid?

Crossdressing Fem!Reader Hamilton Insert

Secret

Description:

General Washington has been relentlessly receiving letters one after another that has been requesting two same things over and over again. It’s high time he confronts the writer directly about it, and maybe clear something that he’s been hearing around while he’s at it.

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Warnings: swearing, drinking

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Notes:

> Masterlist

> Read from the beginning.

> “F/N” means fake name and “Y/N” means your real first name

> I don’t think I warned y’all before but I wasn’t really planning on writing chronologically. I’m not sorry lmao

> Surprise Wednesday update! I’ve been reading the rb tags and the replies you guys keep leaving in my story and honestly it makes my heart go 💞 aaa ily guys sm and im glad you’re enjoying the story 🥺🥺🥺

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Taglist (if u wanna be added do tell!)

@thebitchiestnerdtowalktheearth @cutie1365 @girlmadeofivory @i-honestly-dont-know-anymore @takemyhand-bitch @hamiltrashqueer

———————————

“Hey, Juggernaut.”

You adjusted your coat before pulling your tent open. “Yo,” you greeted quietly to the soldier waiting in front of your tent. “General Washington calls for you,” he informed you. You nodded and ducked out of your tent, not wanting to wait another second to know what your superior wanted to talk about. You walked at a brisk pace, never stopping until you were now in front of the tent that was noticeably larger than the rest.

You swallowed thickly, millions of possibilities running in your head to as why you were called. A big part of you hoped that it was with regards to your plans, though there was a smaller bit of you that feared that it might be of something else. Not wanting to keep yourself on edge any further, you pushed the tent open and let yourself in.

"Your excellency, sir. You asked to see me?"

You readily saluted at the presence of not only George Washington but the aide-de-camps and officers that were with him as well. They circled a table, where a map and a few mock pieces were laid out for them to view and move around. While John and Lafayette's eyes twinkled with recognition, the others simply stared at your arrival. "Private F/N L/N?" George assumed. He motioned you to be at ease, which you silently obeyed.

"Yes, sir," you confirmed with a steady voice.

George quickly dismissed the rest of the people out of the tent, the only ones remaining were you, him, and Alexander who was busy writing something at his desk at the corner. “I’ve been reading your letters,” George began, moving to get something from his main desk. You immediately tensed as he pulled out a small stack of envelopes underneath. You kept your lips sealed, waiting for the General’s input on your requests.

“You’ve been asking to have the same thing approved for years now,” he began, “and recently, you’re asking for a rather unique position in your unit, correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

From the corner of your eyes you could see Alexander perk up slightly at the conversation. He subtly glanced up from his work, his eyes falling on George as the general picked up an open letter that had been lying on his desk. “Let’s talk about the first one,” George announced. “I’ve noticed there was a slight change with your offer.” You licked the bottom of your lips out of nervousness, fiddling with your hands behind you.

“Unfortunately, even I can’t agree to it.”

“If I may sir, why not?”

George looked up from the letter to you. “Women cannot be paid to study, son,” he explained plainly. You tilted your head the slightest, confusion from his statement evident. “Sir, I do not seek for women to be paid to be taught basic medicinal procedures,” you murmured, and that was enough for George to mirror your expression.

“That doesn’t seem to be the message I’m getting from your letter, L/N.”

You opened your mouth to counter, but when a vague memory hit you like a punch in the gut, you couldn’t help but to smack your forehead in realization. “Shit, I am so sorry,” you apologized, the annoyance woven in your voice directed to yourself more than anything. George furrowed his brows at your sudden drop of formality, noticing how you were cursing under your breath as you returned to position.

“I must’ve sent you my draft letter instead of the actual one. The pay that I mentioned in the letter refers to the pay of the nurses, not the education that I wish to be provided to them.”

Your face turned to more of an embarrassed one. “I... might’ve written this late at night so my thoughts merged while I was writing,” you confessed, looking down at the ground. “I apologize for causing a misunderstanding. Writing... has never really been my best suit.” You could feel the back of your neck heat up with embarrassment, and the blood was slowly creeping its way to your cheeks the more you dwelled on your mistake. George huffed, and you could’ve sworn there was laughter that came along with it.

“We have our own weaknesses, son,” he said. “Rewrite your statement, then I’ll have it sent to the Congress for approval. Hamilton.”

“Yes, sir?”

The called man straightened from his seat almost instantaneously. “If you’re not too busy, you can help Private L/N draft his proposal to the Congress tonight?” he requested. You looked at Alexander almost the same time he looked at you. “I take it you approve of his plans, sir?” he asked George, though it came off more of a statement than a question.

“Yes. If our nurses are given the same pay as our male doctors, or at the very least raise it, then there wouldn’t be any need for our officers to resort to... violent methods of recruiting them.”

Your jaw visibly clenched at the last few words, and George wasn’t dense to not notice it. “If we treat our camp followers properly, as we should’ve been since square one, then they wouldn’t be working out of spite or fear,” you pointed out through gritted teeth, “and by teaching them the required medical procedures to treating our wounded, then there would be more hands on our medical team without really hiring more hands.” Alexander nearly beamed at your words and hurriedly wrote something down on a spare piece of paper.

“That’s an excellent point F/N, I’ll make sure to include that in your proposal,” he announced eagerly.

You stared at Alexander with surprise while George chuckled in amusement. “Now, since we’ve cleared all misunderstandings for your first request, I take it we’re good to move on to the next one?” his voice wasn’t as light as when he brought up your first request. “Ready as I’ll ever be, sir,” you replied. George nodded, pulling a different letter.

“Private L/N, I’m sure you already know the contents of your own letters, so I will say right now that I just can’t approve you to a... what is this term you used?”

“Field medic, sir.”

“Right.”

“Field medic?”

Alexander wasn’t really supposed to be a part of the next conversation, but he couldn’t help but inquire about the strange new term he just heard. “Basically a doctor soldier tasked specifically to treat wounded men while on field and pull them out of there,” George explained, and you nodded. Alexander’s face contorted, and you sighed internally as it was the response you already expected to get from someone hearing your concept for the first time.

“I... I don’t get it,” Alexander murmured. “We can bring our men to the backlines just fine during combat, I don’t see the point of having a person to specialize in that.”

You were just about ready to explain, but then George put up his hand to stop you. “I can hand you Private L/N’s letters of proposal for later, son,” George reasoned. Alexander’s face fell, and the man buried his face back to his work. “With all due respect sir, I feel like I am fully capable of putting this concept into action. My endurance is beyond average to run around the field and carry our wounded, all I need left is some proper first-aid training.”

“And we need your endurance in the frontlines!” George retorted. “Juggernaut, you’re our best foot soldier, I cannot afford to send you to the medics.”

You nearly physically recoiled at the use of your nickname. You wore the title “Juggernaut” with pride ever since, and George knew. Your tendency to almost never use your gunpowder and instead resort to close combat was what earned you the nickname, and your commanders made sure to utilize you best for that. Simply put, your fearlessness to be up close with the redcoats was something praised by your fellow soldiers and feared by the enemy.

“Sir,” your voice dropped low. “Many men die bleeding out in the field when they could’ve lived if only someone had been there to pull them out, but the second they’re crippled they are not our standing soldiers’ priority. Moreover, many more die in the tents simply for having infected wounds that could’ve been survivable had someone treated it long before. These men have hopes of coming home to see the end of this war and what follows as much as any of us, even while they lay in their own pool of blood as the rest of the fight ensues around them. Sir, they have lives they want to go back to, too, just like us.”

When you were done talking, the air within the tent was heavy. Was it out of realization or just the sheer weight of your words, no one was quite sure, but the tension was so thick no blade could cut through it. “I can see you are as adamant in saving lives as you are taking them,” George mused, finally breaking the suffocating silence that wrapped around the three of you. He glanced down at your letter, hesitancy clear as day. Between the two of you, it was the sixth one you sent for your proposed role. For every letter of declination he gave you, you rebutted with a new letter no more than two to three days later countering his reasonings. For someone who isn’t the best at writing, you do write a lot, he thought.

“Let my hands be stained saving the blood of my allies than spilling the blood of my enemies,” you responded, quoting your own letter.

George huffed, setting down the letter. “I will... think this through for the meantime,” he announced. You resisted your mouth that nearly quirked upwards at his words; consideration was a good enough sign for you. “Thank you sir,” you breathed. George eyed you carefully, thinking if there was anything else needed to be said to you. “I suppose that will be all for now,” he decided tentatively. He dismissed you, and just after you thanked him for his time and turned around was then he remembered.

“Hold on, Private. I feel like there’s one more thing needed to be discussed.”

You looked over your shoulder, almost fearfully, as you moved away from the tent’s exit. George leaned back, crossing his arms as he looked at you with a nearly blank stare. “I feel like we should address the secret circulating around you,” he pointed out. Your jaw dropped to the floor, a chill striking you from the feet up. A hand flew over your arm as goosebumps riddled your limbs, and you feared the worst.

“What secret, sir?” you asked, your voice nearly returning to normal with panic.

“Juggernaut, I don’t think we need to beat around the bush over this. Other soldiers have seen it, too, and you need to come clean with it.”

Other soldiers? The thought was everything but comforting. You always thought you had been discreet with your identity, but apparently you weren’t based on the General’s accusations. However, you kept your mind straight enough to keep droning on. Maybe it was just a mistake, maybe it was just a false rumor that was meant to drag you in the dirt. Yeah, maybe that’s it. You desperately wished that was it.

“It must be a mistake, sir. Whatever this secret may be must be just a measly rumor to throw me off,” you tried to reason out.

“Would it be considered a rumor if we have a witness?”

Your stomach dropped. So there are people who saw? That was definitely not right. You were always sure to have your corset on, only taking it off inside the tent, and whenever you bathe you made sure you were either alone or the last one out and never surfacing from the water. George glanced over to Alexander expectantly, and for the first time the secretary seemed to not want to partake in the conversation.

“Hamilton here has your verbatim.”

You could feel your palms turn sweatier as the seconds passed. You steadied your breathing, trying to calm yourself and stay reasonable. Alexander stared at George incredulously, as if he was the one who’d been ratted out by their superior. He looked over to you, and despite your seemingly calm stature there was nervousness in your eyes that spoke otherwise. Not wanting to lie, Alexander nodded almost apologetically to confirm. You felt your shoulders sag. Had you been too lax when you discussed about pretending with other disguised women? Or had you been too loud when you were rambling to yourself in your own tent? You feared what was next to follow, but if there was someone who bore evidence of your secret, then it was better for you to speak the truth.

“I apologize for deceiving you, sir,” you conceded, dropping your head. “I am more than willing to accept the punishment for my actions.”

“Funny, I figured you’d know enough the consequences of having more liquor than the daily rations you’re given.”

“Wh... what...?”

You tried to wrap your head around the new information. Liquor... daily rations... was that what General George Washington accusing you of this whole time? “Or is the excess whiskey your secret to your fearlessness after all?” George mused teasingly, and you shot up straight when it finally registered to you. “No sir, that would be my low sense of self-preservation,” you answered hurriedly, jokingly. Thankfully for you, George chuckled at your banter.

“Well, don’t think of dying too early, young man,” George advised lightheartedly.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, sir.”

The tight feeling that was mentally suffocating you the whole time released your entire being. “Though, if it’s any assurance, my stash of vodka hasn’t really been consumed,” you informed. “If anything, I think the only time I made use of it was when I disinfected someone’s wound.” George sat up straight, a curious look flashing in his eyes.

“Is that so?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Who’d you heal?”

You paused, wondering if you should really say. “It was Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens.” You glanced up, noticing the inquisitive look both George and Alexander held. “If it’s any compensation for my troubles, I can offer some of my personal beverage. Surely, you’d like a shot,” you then offered, swiftly dodging the questions that might’ve followed your prior statement.

“And how will I know this is not a ploy to try on my good side, son?”

“Was I on your bad side this whole time, sir?”

“With the direction your letters were going, you might be at the tipping point of being so with the Congress.”

You laughed uneasily. “Rest assured sir, my offer is all in good faith.” George uncovered the mug that rested on the edge of his table, and you took that as the sign to approach. You pulled out your flask, which had been refilled from the much larger bottle that you were hiding in your tent (you wondered if someone that visited your tent before saw the bottle which led to the accusations), and poured a hefty amount into the mug, much to George’s pleasure. You waved to Alexander with the flask. “Do you want some too, Hamilton?” you asked him. Alexander stared at your flask, then to George, and then to his papers.

“Come on, son. It’s not everyday we have a little extra liquor,” George insisted, a welcoming smile on his face.

Alexander didn’t hesitate to come over to the table the second he got George’s approval. He brought his own cup, and you readily poured him almost the same amount as George. “Thanks, I needed this,” he sighed gratefully, the strong scent already wafting through his nose. The three of you shared a toast, and you took a nice, long swig from your flask. A satisfied growl emitted from each of you, the burning sensation running down your throat.

“Well sir, I should head out now,” you said quietly.

George nodded, and finally dismissed you. “Call the others back on your way out,” he ordered, and you gave a verbal confirmation before pushing one of the tent flaps open. You peered outside and saw that Lafayette and John were talking nearby. You headed to them, waving a hand to catch their attention.

“F/N! The General didn’t chew you out too much, I hope?” John teased.

You rolled your eyes. “Well, I got out alive,” you joked. “The General requests you guys and the other officials to return, by the way.” John chuckled, patting your shoulder as he passed by. Lafayette ruffled your hair before he and John headed out to look for the other officials that dispersed in the camp. You sighed and walked back to your tent, the clashing sensation of relief and anxiousness washing over you.

Your secret was safe... for now.

#hamilton #hamilton musical #hamilton fanfic #hamilton fanfiction #hamilton reader insert #reader insert #fanfiction #fanfic #alexander hamilton #john laurens #lafayette #george washington #who is this kid

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bathunterofdevon · 4 years ago

Text

Art/Animation/Video Update:

Good day everyone.

You may or may not notice how quiet and inactive I've been lately - when I promised I would give regular updates about my renewed determination to practise art and learn to animate successfully. In the beginning, when I first started this new challenge, I was pumped up, and full of energy to start it. I made a promise that I would never give up no matter what, and always focus on getting better. And in the first 5-6 days, I did keep a level head and kept on going, with a clear goal at the end of it. But, over a relatively short time, -by day 5 I think- I became exhausted and couldn't carry on anymore. My own brain kept feeding and replaying bad memories over and over again, which left me feeling weak and spiritually broken. Eventually, I just burned out and collapsed. That was weeks ago now. Something I didn't expect to see again has returned suddenly, and with a vengeance.

The past two weeks have been nothing short of hell for me. Realistically speaking, there is nothing wrong with me. I didn't have a rough or traumatic childhood. I haven't lost anyone close to me. I didn't break up with a long term girlfriend (never even had one to begin with). And yet, for some reasons which I feel are too complicated and awkward for me to discuss here, I've been feeling overwhelmingly cynical and bleak, like there is absolutely no point to me being alive. I feel like I have no future. And my brain is stuck in the past and I can't pull it out of there.

I remember feeling like this back when I was in Canada, and 3 years before that. It is strange. I don't think I have any legitimate reason to be depressed. There are so many people around the world who have really suffered terrible losses and come from real, hard and trying life circumstances. I know people who were sexually abused when they were children. I know someone who suffers from Schizophrenia, and regularly experiences headaches after being involved in an incident that gave them serious injuries in their childhood. I don't have either of those. I'm living with my family again - my Mum and Dad, and my family all love me and think the world of me. I recently started a new joj as a host and food busser for this new fancy restaurant in the town near where I live. And when people ask me what I'm feeling, I always tell them I'm fine. So everything should be okay. I'm doing all the things I ought to. I'm not old. I'm not ill. But for some reason, I'm just so sick and tired. Of virtually everything.

I'm beginning to feel increasingly distant from my own life situation, like I'm on some kind of autopilot. Everything feels almost illusory and surreal. In a way, I wish I had some kind of real illness, like Coronavirus, or Cancer, with visible, manifest symptoms that everyone would notice. At least then there would be some kind of treatment for it. The past few days, my bedroom has slowly turned into a prison. I've become so lethargic, I haven't had breakfast in weeks. I've spent virtually entire days in my bed, and my dressing gown. I haven't even had the energy to take my dog for a walk. He is always sitting outside my bedroom door wagging his tail waiting for me to take care of him. I haven't spoken with my old school friends, or my extended family in ages, and I fear I'll never have the courage to break the mould and talk to them. And my bedroom is increasingly full of useless things that used to amuse me many years ago, but are now collecting dust. My piano is basically an ornament now - I haven't touched it in a very long time. My guitar's strings have long rusted and I haven't changed them in 7 years. I retrieved an old TV from the attic and hooked it to this laptop so I could use it as a second monitor to help with studying references while attempting digital art. But I've never even switched it on in months. My studio mic and audio interface - I suspect one or maybe both of them may be broken, but I can't even be bothered to investigate which - it just doesn't matter anymore. There are old songs from years ago that are half-finished that I wanted to finish and put on Soundcloud/maybe even Youtube, but music doesn't bring me enough joy anymore. Nothing does.

You know–it's funny. My Gundham Tanaka video I released a year ago is becoming far more popular than I ever anticipated it would. I keep receiving new messages from newcomers telling me: 'My depression is cured' or 'this just made me feel so much better', etc etc. It's gratifying for me to hear people say things like that. But it's beginning to get a little tiring, all the same. It's a message that's just so out of tune with what I'm feeling.I just feel like a walking, rotting corpse. Even Kaede isn't making me feel happy anymore. Instead, I just feel lonely, and miss her. Speaking of which, a few weeks ago, I watched a video by Weebynewz about her execution, and I've discovered new information about it that I didn't notice before, which has made me feel a hundred times more uncomfortable. Now I feel quite sick, and even seeing the thumbnail for her execution video is enough to ruin my mood and break any focus and concentration I once had.

I am lucky that I have online freerfs who I converse with regularly and who are always asking me if I'm okay. I'm grateful that they are there to make my daily experience marginally less shit. But these days, I rarely ever talk to them. I only respond now. I haven't got the energy to make small talk, or follow up on new developments or catch up with new memes. I know they're always looking out for me, but they are never going to get me out of this. The best they can do is stand well away from the event horizon and wait for me to force myself out of it.

Fortunately though, for those of you who are worried about me, it's not completely bad. I have started taking medication again. You see, for a long time, I mistakenly believed you weren't supposed to take antidepressants while driving/learning to drive because they make you experience tiredness as a side-effect. Recently though, I learned that that's not technically true. You can take meds while you are driving, but the idea is that you are not supposed to drive if you feel tired, or your senses are impaired. In addition, I am looking to see if I can visit a counsellor and start having sessions. I'm kind of desperate for good news and a hope of recovery at the moment, but I guess it's still better than nothing.

No matter what happens, I know this isn't really me. It's certainly a large part of me, but it's not all there is to my character. And frankly, I'm sick and tired of this, and I want it to stop. I want to keep entertaining all of you with silly videos. And maybe one day, I'd like to do a Q+A video/face+voice reveal, unprivate my old videos I made a decade ago, and introduce all of you to my real self. Then when that happens, I can finally move on, transcend my love of the Danganronpa franchise, and try something new. I'm not sure what that would entail. But it might be something that incorporates my love of music, anime, visual novels, and possibly writing/voice acting.

Until that day finally comes, I'm going to remain stuck in this rut for who-knows-how-long. I won't know when the day will come, but I like to think I'll be fully aware when it has, since I'll feel totally different and refreshed. The only way I can come to terms with this long, dreary spell of melancholy is if it exists to serve some kind of purpose. And if this experience is to mean anything, then ultimately, my purpose is finally one day break free from it and discover a secret 'purpose' or 'why', or perhaps unlock a hidden potential I never knew I had all along. When that happens, then I can make my return and move on. Then my story could pick up from where I last left it. Or perhaps I can rewrite it altogether.

I wish you all very well and sincerely hope NOBODY else in the world feels like this,

- Bat

#Bat Hunter #Update #Long emo post

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calloniel · 4 years ago

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re: ode to sleep

Hey guys.

I didn't think that I was going to do this so soon (or at all, actually) but ode to sleep is going to officially go on hiatus.

I've been wanting to rewrite this fic for a long time now. I started writing this story when I was a teenager, and the quality and ideas that I had back then no longer match up with what I really want to write now. It's been really difficult to find muse for this story - it's so emotionally draining, and god I love to deep dive into it all and write it out into a story that you guys can read and enjoy alongside me. But I'm not quite sure that I'm enjoying it right now. Not in this moment, anyways.

I was planning on holding back on this rewrite until I finished what I'd already started. The idea of abandoning years of work is not only a terrifying concept, but one that my stubborn little heart refuses to contemplate. But it's been a serious struggle, and I've gone back and forth and back and forth like a seesaw trying to decide if I should go ahead and just… start the rewrite and put my energy into making something more updated and new for you guys or finish what I started with this older, more wonky fic and do the rewrite later. I'd essentially decided on the latter…

Until the recent series of tweets sent out by Twenty One Pilots, the artists behind the title of this fic.

I'm not going to get any more political or preachy other than saying, once again, black lives matter. Black. Lives. Matter. Social injustice has been happening in my country since the very beginning and in this day and age there is absolutely no excuse. Black lives matter. That's all, the end. It is not difficult to stand up and say it, and I am truly heartbroken that a band that has been there for me through some of the hardest times in my life can't stand by such a simple statement and instead, must create a whole circus that devolves into hurting the fans who have supported them for years.

There are other aspects to these tweets as well as other things that have been brought up in regards to the bands history that I don't want to get into. But I hope you can understand that I'm hurt and struggling to separate the behavior of the performers who created the music with the songs that have time and time again talked me off the ledge. It's hard. But what I do know is that I feel uncomfortable tying almost a decades worth of writing and work and emotion to their work when this is the message they want to (or rather, won't) send.

I feel almost as if this is a sign? That it's time to finally sit down and think about my fic and the themes and messages that I'm trying to convey. The actual song Ode to Sleep has always been deeply interwoven in my story and I want, need, to stop and start to separate the lyrics and the melody of the song with my own words. I want to craft this story that's been a big part of my life with my own words, outside of the influence of a band or a song to structure my theme.

Maybe this is over the top and dramatic when it comes to fanfic. It actually is, I think. But I've been working on this specific story since I was a young teenager. I remember sitting in class physically writing this story out in a notebook instead of studying or paying attention to lessons. So I guess you could say that this means a lot to me. I've spent over a third of my life with this story, which is absolutely wild for a fanfic. And it's probably super weird and awkward to stay but hey! I'm weird and awkward! I'm just a dumb bird, guys.

I'm not going to stop writing this fanfic. But I'm going to take a break - how long? I don't know. But I'm going to take a break, think about what I want to change, what I want to keep, how to make this story something I can be proud of, and then I'm going to come back and post it under a new title. One that doesn't have connections I'm not proud of. I want to make this fic something that I'm excited to write for again instead of… an emotionally draining chore.

I think that's all that I wanna say. I already wrote way too much to explain going on hiatus for a fanfic but I hope that it is a decent enough explanation for you guys as to why this is happening now vs later. You are all welcome to ask me questions or anything you wanna say in regards to this or anything else any time. It's something that I've always meant to do but… the timeline just got scooted up a bit. You guys have always been amazing and so freaking patient and caring, and I hope you guys will be willing to wait a little bit for this.

Lotsa love,

Calloniel

#ode to sleep fanfiction #tokyo ghoul fanfiction #calloniel fanfiction

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im-hqlover · 4 years ago

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Weekly Update Post.

(Okay, doing this a second time because tumblr bugged, I hope it works now.)

Soooo, I decided that I will do an update post every week, reporting on the status of what I'm writing, along with a little spoiler of what I've already written, so, spoiler alert!

As you can see I have written a lot of things, but my problem is that somehow i can't get some of my ideas down on paper, because of that i'm writing several things at the same time, but it comes to a point that i just don't know how to unfold the story, and this is annoying me a lot. I hope you understand why I haven't posted anything recently.

Arkham Knight (AK) - Chapter 2

Words written so far: 1473

Status: Last edition 40 days ago / Very hard written block / Hiatus / I may have to rewrite this

Spoiler:

- Baby, I'm going to have to go back to Bludhaven.

- Can I go with you? - I asked him while turning off my cell phone and paying attention to him.

- No, you better stay here, it's safer.

- But-

- No, you will stay here, it is the best, and you know it. - He approaches me and I get up from the couch and stand in front of him.

- Okay… just be careful.

- I promise. - He takes my hand and kisses it softly, he always did that when he promised me something. - I'll be back tomorrow, okay?

Arranged marriage/Royal AU (AM/RAU) - Chapter 4

Words written so far: 2693

Status: Last edition a week ago (or are there two? I don't remember)/ Writing block / Little hiatus / May I need to rewrite.

Spoiler: I had my suspicions that this was supposed to be a gift from Jason, since he was the only option for me to have left a gift on our bed, but why would he give me a gift? Maybe I was wrong and he just left it there to deliver to someone else later.

Dinosaur Trainer (DT) - Chapter 2

Words written so far: 5827

Status: Last edition yesterday / Little Tiny Writing Block / Thinking about what the other characters would say is a very difficult task.

Spoiler:

- Owen Grady, it's nice to meet you. - He extends his hand, I shake it too and return the smile.

- It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Grady. - We pulled our hands away, and again, I don't know how I didn't stutter to answer.

- Call me Owen. - I nod, and muttered an "ok", he greeted Mr. Masrani and then the four of us sit at the round table, Simon was still sitting across from me, with Hoskins at his left side, and Owen standing between Hoskins and me. Kodi continued to lie on my left side, occasionally taking cold water from the glass bowl.

DT - Fallen Kingdom - A new life (part 2 of Mistakes)

Words written so far: 1230

Status: Last edition 3 days ago / Little Written Block

Spoiler:

- Look, Sleeping Beauty woke up. - He approached the two of us with a bag and coffee cups, I just roll my eyes at what he said and hear Maisie laugh.

- My prince charming didn't come to wake me with a kiss of true love. - I answer him by joining the game, and Owen and Maisie laugh, I try to sit up with a lot of effort, but it seems to me that I was still a little weak.

- Wait. Maisie, can you hold this for me? - He handed her the bag and the coffees, and then put a hand on my back to help me adjust. - How are you?

Outer Space is the Limit (OSitL) - Chapter 1

Words written so far: 3450

Status: Last edition 5 days ago / Little Writing Block

Spoiler:

- I am Groot! - That being on my leg raised its head looking at me with big eyes, and in a way I found it kind of cute? Okay, maybe that was weird. Peter approaches me and crouches in front of me, close to where was what it said was Groot.

- Well, it seems to me that you already knew Groot - Peter removes the small being from my leg and puts it on his shoulder, and then offers his hand which I took nervously, and then he helps me to stand again.

- I am groot! - The little one raises its hands in the air when saying its name animatedly.

There's an alien in my bed (TAB) - Chapter 1

Words written so far: 4360

Status: Last edition 4 or 5 days ago / Little Writing Block

Spoiler:

- Why the hell do you think he's gonna come because of me? - I feel my throat burn as I speak.

- Because apparently you're the only one he really cares about. - As soon as he said, more tears fell.

- If he really cared about me, he wouldn't have left me without telling me. - I whisper, saying it more to myself than to anyone else.

Ideas I had but I don't know when or if I will actually write

Passengers - Jim Preston x reader

What I have in mind: Six months after Jim Preston woke up, another hibernation capsule gave problem, y/n l/n awakens from hibernation almost 90 years before reaching Homestead II, when she woke up everything looked confused, but it got worse when she didn't see anyone there, if they were about to arrive at Homestead II, how was she the only one awake? Or she thought she was the only one awake, until she finds Jim Preston.

Back to the Wild West (BWW)- The Magnificent Seven - Joshua Faraday x reader

What I have in mind: Y/n L/n and Marty Collins are fanatical about the Back to the Future trilogy, and when the boredom of Social Isolation due to the pandemic hits them, Marty, who is a scientist, decides that he would create a time machine, of course y/n said he was crazy to think that would be possible, but he did, but then regret knocks on his door when he makes it work, that would be a mistake, they would have to destroy it, leave no trace and not let anyone know. But y/n had other plans, she wanted to go back to the wild west, just stay a day or two to see what it was like and then come back. Marty hesitantly accepted, and so they took what was needed and y/n went back to the wild west, but she ends up getting stuck there, how would she get back to her time? What wrong could happen?

PrattPack Imagines/Oneshots/Headcanons.

I'm kind of stealing the idea from @im-an-octopus where she does some headcanon about some Chris Pratt's characters, and I really wanted to do something like that, but I don't know if I'm really going to do this or when I'm going to do this, but it's been on my mind for a few days now. (And maybe accept requests from them)

Characters that would include:

Peter Quill

Owen Grady

Josh Faraday

Jim Preston

Andy Dwyer (maybe, I need to watch more Parks and Recreation to find out more about him)

Onward - Barley Lightfoot x Reader

I'm divided into three ideas, and I don’t know if I write them all or choose only one.

First: Y/n is a mermaid, coming from a special lineage with several stories, and perhaps one of the only families that continues with her ancient traditions, so she along with her father, mother and brother ended up moving away from the rest of the family and moving to Mushroom Town, but when she finds out that her family is in danger, an unknown person says that she must find two people, a wizard and a knight, she was very confused because of this, and said that wizards no longer exist, but not long after she sees a news about Ian Lightfoot she went to find him, because she believed he was who that unknown person was talking to. Maybe this will be a long journey. What surprises await for you?

(both the second and the third would happen kind of in an AU where it happens in the real world, and everyone is human)

Second: Y/n is new to the city, and is in the penultimate year of High School, she feels out of place and alone, in the beginning some people even tried to be friends with her, but when y/n realized that they were assholes she walked away and decided it was better to be alone, who needs friends, right? Everything seemed to be going well, or at least the best possible, until school literature work needed to be done in pairs, the pairs were drawn and she ended up with Barley Lightfoot, she wasn't very comfortable with that, not because of the things she had heard about him, but because she really didn't want to do that to other people, because she was afraid that she could do something and he would end up making fun of her and she would suffer again, but things were much better than she expected and maybe that was the beginning of a new friendship? Or something else?

Third: Y/n's younger brother got hooked by QoY, and because of that, he and his friends would go to an event that would take place in the city, where it would be kind of a rpg but with everyone acting and dressing properly instead of being on the board, with their father traveling, y/n is responsible for taking his brother there and waiting until everything is over, but maybe with some events the heart of y/n will end up being stolen by a handsome knight.

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gosatsuvns · 4 years ago

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Weekly Update #315 - Post-Update Notes & Plans For The Remainder Of 2020

If you haven't caught the news yet, we've just released an update for SHINRAI - Broken Beyond Despair in celebration of its 4th anniversary! If you're curious about what exactly has changed, you can read all about the additions and changes to the game here.

Today, I'd like to say a few more words about the update, our new projects and our plans for the rest of 2020!

The Update:

First of all, I need to say that I would have loved to do way more than what we ultimately managed to infuse into this update. Unfortunately, we kinda ran out of time, since we couldn't allocate too much to it in the first place. I mean, it's been four years now since we've released this visual novel and, rather than keep tweaking it, I'd like to focus on our new titles and make sure that those are going to be improved in the areas that players criticized with BBD.

Besides, there are always going to be things that can be done even better and I am quite a perfectionist, so I'll never be satisfied anyway. Therefore, I originally didn't really intend to touch this game again, as I'd like to move forwards and accomplish new things.

I would have eventually made some tiny script adjustments, due to some of the developments regarding GENBA no Kizuna and Withering Without Hope. Both stories have evolved quite a bit from my plans in 2016, after all. But those adjustments would have only been minor continuity/consistency fixes. Like how the place where Raiko lives has been upgraded from a town to a giant metropolis. Thus, the word "town" has been taken out or replaced during the recent update, for instance.

(I told you, I'm a perfectionist... *cough*)

Earlier this year, however, we've been presented with an opportunity I couldn't pass up on. It's something I'm personally super excited about, so I can't wait to finally make the official announcement (which should happen within the next two months, I guess). And it's this opportunity that led us to make an update now, a little bit bigger in scope than simple script adjustments.

Given what we're working on in secret right now, I ended up deciding to also address the bigger criticisms we've received. Unfortunately, in some regards, there was only so much I could actually do about them.

The slow pacing in the beginning is almost always brought up and I did try my best to revise some parts, making them more concise, but ultimately, I doubt there is a noticeable difference. I didn't want to simply erase big parts of the game and I didn't have the time to completely rewrite and restructure things, nor did I really want to. After all, even though most people criticized the slow start, there are also players who didn't mind or even enjoyed it.

But yeah, if it was too slow for you, you probably won't feel any different even after this update.

Still, overall, I do think that we've improved the experience quite a bit. And delving so deeply into BBD's script again was quite beneficial to its sequel, as well.

GENBA & WWH:

After SHINRAI's release in 2016, I immediately started working on GENBA and WWH. One year later, however, I realized that working on two murder mysteries simultaneously maybe wasn't the smartest idea. Not only did it drag out development for both of them, it also complicated things as I was trying to craft two different murder cases, filled with dozens of mysteries, at the same time.

So, I eventually decided to put WWH aside and fully commit myself to GENBA, as this title sets up quite a few things for WWH.

And in the end, it turned out to be a really good idea, because working on GENBA, along with the recent SHINRAI update, has really helped me in shaping the story for WWH into something much better than it was three years ago.

I'm really excited about it and, with GENBA's story fully set in stone now, can't wait to finally do the same with WWH's!

Plans:

For the next week, there is still some post-update stuff to take care of, which I'll probably talk about in next week's blog post. However, in general, I'm going to get back to GENBA now. As mentioned in the update announcement post, I have the perfect release date for it in mind, and I will do everything I can to get it done by then.

Before I make any promises, however, I want to see how the remainder of the year goes and if I can actually accomplish all of my goals. So you'll have to wait until our New Year's post before I will elaborate on any of this (sorry).

Anyway, with GENBA's story planned out and vast chunks of the script written, it's mostly asset work that's left. So that will be my main focus until the end of 2020. Although the first big goal is to get the first chapter fully done (the extended demo only contains about 70% of it), so that will include some script revisions, too.

At the same time, I also want to get a full outline done for WWH, so that next year, I can write its actual script!

As you can see, there's still a lot to be done, but I'm feeling very motivated. I'll further detail some of our plans in our next few blog posts, but for now, I guess I'll wrap this up! As always, please enjoy the rest of your weekend and, until next Saturday, take care! :3

#shinrai #visual novel #visualnovel #visual novel development #vn #evn #vndev #interactive fiction #game development #gamedev #indie #indiedev #indie game #murder mystery #detective game

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