#I really wanted to draw little scenes but I’m finding myself with less and less free time with work and pregnancy stuff 🥲

[keri-mcberry]

Heya I were wondering

Lyla love flying and quidditch?

What is her role in quidditch? Seeker? Beater ? Guardian or keepers?

Yes, Lyla fell in love with flying the moment she got on a broom! In her Sixth Year, she joined the Hufflepuff Quidditch team as the Seeker! ✨ I like to think the Quidditch captains would be scrambling over themselves to recruit the MC, especially hearing rumors of them beating Imelda at her own flying courses.

@theinstagameremily Oooh, this was a good question, and it took me a while to decide! But I think Lyla and Imelda would be cute together 🥰 I love how Imelda is initially rude and arrogant towards the MC but slowly grows to respect them and open up more to them as their relationship progresses. Plus, I’m a sucker for Slytherpuff relationships if that wasn’t obvious already 🤭💚💛

[halastar05]

Thoughts on Mastermind

(So yeah spoilers ahead)

So after letting my thoughts on the episode settle a bit and giving myself time to analyze, I have a LOT to say.

So first of all… yeah I think this is officially my new favorite Helluva episode.

I think this episode was pretty well paced (a little fast, but there was a LOT to cover) and also did a surprisingly good job at balancing the drama and humor. Also obviously ADORED the IMP found family showcased in this episode, they were entertaining in the first scene, and heart wrenching at the court.

Now for a bit more analysis, the way they handled the writing was REALLY interesting here. While first watching the episode, I was a little confused about Andrealphus’s plan, but after thinking about it… it’s scarily clever.

He knows that Stolas is smart in his own right, if he straight up brought him to court, he’d find a good way to argue. He knows how to work this type of stuff as shown in Oops. But if they brought in only Blitzø, they knew Stolas wouldn’t see until the broadcasted execution. He would have no time to form a concrete rational plan, Andre wants him to either act irrationally, or make himself look like a fool and incompetent. No one knows exactly what he��ll do, but Andre is giving Stolas as little time as possible to think it out. The hope is that he acts as irrationally as he has before.

And even if Stolas didn’t come, Andre purposely tries to make Stolas seem weak and somewhat helpless, incompetent. All the while he makes himself look an almost better version of our favorite bird. His backup plan is to make Stolas look incompetent and vulnerable, while it may be less immediate, with Stolas’s already somewhat declining reputation, this would make it easier for him to take Stolas’s title.

And despite being EXTREMELY irrational, Stolas did a pretty good job with his plan in my opinion. First of all, he brought ALL the theater kid energy in the song (which was an absolute banger by the way, I don’t care how cheesy the Stolitz part was I LOVE CHEESY) and did a great job playing the part. To me, this is proof that he had finally started to realize the classism. This is the type of part you can only play by understanding it even if you don’t necessarily believe it. He plays up the the classism and distaste for imps, he uses the fact that the other royals see them as useless and incompetent. And honestly, I think it was smart of him to be so vague in the song. Once again, he didn’t have a lot of time to think this through, and he somewhat used this to his advantage. Being vague added an air of mystery and made it seem like more of an unpredictable threat. He’s building up the fact that this mastermind has a dangerous plan, something possibly having to do with taking over the mortal realm. And then when he reveals himself to be the “mastermind”? Well of course he wouldn’t expose any of his “future plans”, Stolas is playing as someone who just wants the recognition and to be feared. Someone arrogant, feeling offended that an imp was getting the credit for his crimes. Claiming he has more planed while not naming those plans makes him a threat and will draw away almost any blame from Blitzø.

And of course this plan is impulsive, but he barely has any time to plan. He arrives right before the axe is about to come down on his lover’s neck. His only goal right now is making sure Blitzø stays alive. In the song he even acknowledges how impulsive it is to throw everything away for this idiot he is still frankly mad at. But he’s learned he can choose his fate, and that’s exactly what he’s doing.

And of course I ADORED the Stolitz in this episode, they were both so perfectly dramatic and the absolute SOFTNESS in the last scene had me making absolute demonic and feral noises. But, despite this somewhat being a closure to the season 2 Stolitz drama (however we do still have Sinsmas) I’m happy they’re still leaving room for more angst even with them now being able to properly blossom. This episode did an EXCELLENT job at showcasing the classism via the unfairness of the court case, so it feels fitting that at the end the power dynamic almost switches. Blitzø is now a celebrity amongst imps and lower class demons, while Stolas essentially lost everything, including his daughter. And while I definitely think this is setting up for angst in at least the next episode (in which I very much think they’re going to go and try to save Octavia from her bitchy mother), this power dynamic is going to feel different, because while there is still somewhat a power dynamic now, there is also a much larger level of understanding between the two of them. They now feel more capable of facing this together, there is less doubt of feelings. I’m REALLY excited to see how they handle this, and yes I also am an absolute sucker for hurt/comfort.

Those are most of my major thoughts in this episode. I loved every single part of this beautifully dramatic episode (yeah I expectantly loved Vassago) but most of the other things I would bring up have already been said. Plus this post is too long so yeah that’s it for now.

[demaparbat-hp]

hi dema! i’m learning how to do digital art, would you mind sharing your coloring process? coloring (and lineart) is the hardest thing for me to do T_T… what brushes do you use for coloring and how do you not make it look muddy? i’ve been trying to follow tutorials from different artists on youtube but i find my work to look so muddy… thank u in advance >__<

Hi, and thank you for thinking about me for advice! I'm honoured to share a bit of my process, nerve-wracking as that is for my shy self, and hopefully help you out as much as I can. Forgive me if I don't express myself very clearly—I have a bit of a hard time explaining these things. Now, let's get started, shall we?

I'll be using the first panel of this artwork as an example.

My process is pretty straight-forward for most artworks. Make a sketch, draw the lineart, and follow a self-made guideline for coloring and rendering.

Sometimes I'll throw the guideline to the trash bin and start experimenting with brushes and chiaroscuro and color palettes, but that doesn't happen most of the time and, when it does, it's more a challenge than anything else, and not really what I think you're looking for.

I'll include my usual steps here, however, and like I said earlier, these steps are more like what you'd call guidelines than actual rules.

(I just realized I didn't save the sketch for this artwork. Oops)

This is the lineart!

I tend to think that details bore me and are actually pretty exhausting to do, but then I go and make things as clear and detailed as I can. Because I'm a hypocrite like that.

I did try to keep things simple here, though, mostly because I had to go through three other panels and didn't want to burn out my fuel mid-process.

Base colors! The blush (and Zuko's scar!) I draw in a different layer in case I need adjusting the brightness or saturation later.

It's time for shadows!

Pick a color depending on the atmosphere you want the artwork to have. Is it a cozy, warm scene in a honey-tinted room, or is it a moment shared under the moonlight? The color choice should come as an answer to those questions—deep red for the first one and dark blue for the second.

Choose a color and make it dark and saturated. Then, play with the layer opacity! A darker shadow means harsher light, while less opacity works best for a softer look. See the difference? It's subtle, but it's there.

Of course, this is my personal choice. The way shadows are drawn and color is chosen depends on the artist and the artwork. I choose to play with a more simple coloring style, keeping shadows from blending into each other, but you may like a more realistic approach to shadows and colors.

My best advice? Try doing it every way you can, but in the end choose what works best for you. Whatever feels more comfortable, whatever you enjoy drawing the most. And then work to improve it. Love the little proof that you've gotten better, even if it's subtle.

And talking about subtlety...

I love to play with gradients. I use them mostly to give the artwork some form of atmosphere, and make it look cohesive and whole. A light gradient in the color and direction of the shadows will help the characters blend with the background, as will another gradient in lighter colors for the light.

Get creative with gradients! Use them so the lights feel brighter and the shadows darker.

Now it's time to work with the lineart again.

The pure black lineart makes the artwork look harsher, sharper, so I tend to give it some color to soften its edges and compliment the rest of the drawing. In darker shades as the rest of the colors, growing more saturated as the light comes closer.

I love to make the characters' eyes pop and glow! It's really fun what you can do by just messing a bit with the tones of the lineart.

Finally, I play with the level correction. A high contrast will help your artwork stand out and look brighter. See the difference?

And it's done!

Sometimes I like to add other effects or details, but this is the very, very rough shape of my usual process, and thus what I thought you'd like to see.

Once again, I'd like to point out that this is what works for me, and a large part of improving as an artist is just fooling around and messing up until you find the tools and tricks you're most comfortable with.

So keep drawing those muddy shadows and colors! They're only a step of the process.

[chuuyadelune]

now that i have recovered from the emotional shock of seeing *that* akutagawa scene from chapter 88 animated in HD 4K (i thought i’d have another week to emotionally prepare myself LMAO), i just wanna be a little bit of a nerd and say that i really liked the cinematography/composition this episode.

in particular, i really enjoyed the anime’s decision to draw visual parallels between this fight and previous fights (in particular, the fight against francis, which is important because it is the first time they worked together).

after all, this fight is the culmination of everything they’ve done together. from the combining of their abilities, coming to an understanding with each other, realising the potential of beast-beneath the moonlight-rashoumon… bringing back similar shots that were used in previous fights is SUPER effective at highlighting the parallels and how far they’ve come, in my humble opinion.

here are a few things i noticed:

- first of all, both of them activating their abilities one after another is an explicit nod to S2’s fight;

- the confrontation/conversation in the hallway from S2 (to an extent! they’re on the same sides, which caught my eye);

- akutagawa blowing up the engine room on the ship, and kyouka doing the same during the first fight between him and atsushi (S1);

- and a similar angle being used for black tiger claws / koukko zessou as a nod to the fight in the S3 finale.

the parallels — though maybe less explicit, *are* still there in the manga? like, the entire “structure” of the fight so to speak is very similar to the francis fight in S2 — akutagawa finding atsushi, taking place on a(n air)ship, breaking away from the fight to strategise before confronting the final boss (then, francis, and now, fukuchi) is undeniably a nod to that fight? i love that this is given its due in the anime as well.

another thing about the cinematography this episode i loved was them using the clock as being the indicator of fukuchi’s fuckass space-time sword doing its thing. that was a really nice touch, in my opinion; the cuts in between were jarring and disorienting and really helped put us into sskk’s shoes.

and as for the background design alongside the clock itself — there were a couple of things about them i enjoyed:

- the number of floors / levels of the ship in the back (5, as a nod to the five ways an angel decays, the DOA)

- the blue of the clock is meant to be reminiscent of fukuchi’s sword, i’d argue, with the way both of them pops out of the sunset/orangey-red lighting

- the clock’s design being super ornate and gold plated reminds me a *bit* of a tabernacle (where they keep unused eucharist in a church) — and thus brings up connotations of sacrifice. that white bridge-thing beneath the clock as well reminds me a lot of an altar, too (see the image above the last to see what exactly i’m referring to, because image limit)

okay, yeah, that one might be a bit of a stretch, sure. but its placement as being above them, combined with the two tables/boxes to the left and right of the ship’s bow (which looks very much like a cross, btw) gives it a distinctly religious, altar-kinda feel, i’d argue. and crosses have been used in S4 as symbolism as well!

(tbh, there could even be a bit more imagery i’m missing, because — the angels of the DOA refers specifically to the buddhist conception of an angel. i’m not too familiar with buddhist imagery, but i thought that this was worth pointing out regardless!)

the last thing i want to say is that the red and blue symbolism went CRAZY this episode. i don’t have much else to say because it was super obvious — they even reused the same “black tiger claws” shot from S3, after all — but i do wanna point out that the symbolism even went into the carpets. the fucking carpets.

like, the shift: it’s red when akutagawa’s leading the conversation but changes to blue after atsushi’s suggesting of the submersible as a strategy? i mean, i don’t know if this (or anything i’ve said, to be fair) was intentional or not, but it’s a cool detail anyway!

personally, i enjoyed this episode, the action was great, and all of this too was a really neat addition as well! and now… uh. we wait for the chaos to get worse i suppose !? (laughs nervously)

[mimbotomy]

more writing asks!! 5, 9, 28?

5. What's a tag you never want to use for your works even when it applies?

If you asked me this a few months ago, I would have had a different answer for you, but I recently feel like I got over some of my weirdness about tags! For a long time, I was super picky about my tags because I didn’t want to overwhelm anyone like I’ve been overwhelmed scrolling through my feed and having to keep scrolling and scrolling through a fic that tagged absolutely everything the author could think of. So while I would sometimes include personal notes like “I don’t know how the Isu work and I don’t care,” which fyi that applies to all my fics, I wouldn’t necessarily tag all the major characters or even all the ships. I didn’t tag any ships for the Children of Kephallonia until a few months ago because I was worried doing so would make it too long, but I got over myself eventually.

I also don’t really tag genres like angst or romance or fluff, although all of my fics tend to be majority fluff, but I think that’s because I don’t think any fic is just angst or just romance or just fluff. There’s always so much emotion in a fic because the author had to have a lot of emotion to write it, and so searching for one specific genre just feels like a disservice to the author a little bit. And tagging it sorta feels like a disservice to me if that makes sense?

9. Thoughts on cliffhangers.

I have a love/hate relationship with cliffhangers, which I’d argue is the norm lol. I think they’re hard to get right though, and while I’ve definitely read some stories that do cliffhangers so well, a lot of times I feel like they’re just mean and done for shock value rather than to add anything of value to the story.

For me though, I don’t feel like I use cliffhangers in my work that much. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I don’t really see them as cliffhangers? I like to have each chapter tell a relatively self contained story, so any cliffhanger I might have feels less like a cliffhanger and more the natural end of one storyline and the jumping off point for the next, at least to me. Plus I don’t think my work is that groundbreaking or full of twists, so I feel like it’s pretty obvious that whatever trouble the characters find themselves in will be resolved pretty quickly lol.

28. Any writing advice that works for you and you feel like sharing?

Not going to lie I think these are all pretty weird but they work for me 😂

First off, I act out a lot of my scenes, albeit in my head so my dog and husband don’t look at me weird, kinda moving around the space as I run through and refine dialogue in my head. Like I will legitimately stand on one side of the room pretending to be one character and then go to the other side of the room pretending to be the other. I think it helps me figure out people’s vibe and mannerisms and visualize the scene before I put it onto paper.

I also draw a lot, although I don’t finish a lot of my drawings to the point of being comfortable posting them, but those are more to force me to think about character relationships. For example, for my drawing of Kassandra, Barnabas, and Herodotos all hugging, I sat there for a long time thinking about how they would hug each other, and there’s a lot of symbolism in like the ways their arms are wrapped around each other, at least in my opinion. Down to explain that in the comments if anyone’s interested but that would make this way too long and it’s already too long lol.

Lastly, and I’m not quite sure how to say this without sounding like an asshole, but I literally just write until I can’t write anymore. Like whenever I find myself stuck, whether I’m stuck on a specific line or a transition or even an entire scene, I write XXX and either add a short note or a little drawing about what I’m imagining and move on. And then I’ll go back later and search for every instance where I wrote XXX and fill in the gaps. Or if I’m unsure about which direction I want a scene to go, I will write brief snippets of all my options. Sometimes they aren’t very brief - for example I have five different half written versions of the Arkadia arc of my fic the Children of Kephallonia because I know how I want that storyline to end but I just keep changing my mind about what should happen in the middle RIP.

But if I’m just totally stuck on a story in general, I will literally open up another doc and work on that one, and I do that again and again until I am all out of time or creative writing energy. I’ve talked before about how I have way too many WIPs, but those are also just the ones I talk about. I have a bunch of stories that probably will never see the light of day but are fun to write, like a super weird modern AU or ridiculous crossovers that make no sense or just a bunch of random unconnected scenes of various Kassandra ships. So if I’m stuck on all of my actually published or planned to be published fics, I go work on one of those until I become unstuck on one of my real fics or need to close my laptop/put my phone down for a while. Probably why I’m pretty slow at updating but it works for me!

Imma be honest this doesn’t read overly coherent to me, but I’m really tired and I have a lot going on this week too and so I will probably continue to be tired. So I’m not going to edit 👍🏼 If you would like to read more my semi incoherent ramblings about my fics, more prompts can be found here! These are always fun to do and I could definitely use the mental break this week.

[remy2fang]

A.K.I. Birthday Commentator Audio in SF6, a Rant, some Copium, and perhaps Additional F.A.N.G Content in Future DLC. LONG Post!!

A.K.I. Birthday Commentator Audio

From the sounds of it, I don’t think a lot of English speaking players use the commentator audio in SF6. If they did, they would’ve posted about the special commentary about A.K.I.’s birthday on Twitter. Even EventHubs didn’t mention about the special commentary:

For sure, Japanese players uses it:

This is the English commentator audio, extracted by me:

Truth be told, I actually heard the English commentary version more than a month prior to A.K.I.’s birthday, so back in early October then. I extracted and search through audio files within the AKI patch. The time when I found it, I honestly thought that it’s already available in-game if you switch the commentary audio on, but that’s really not the case. This particular line can only be heard on A.K.I.’s birthday. Another thought that came to mind when I first listened to this audio was, “WHEN is AKI’s birthday?” A month later we all found out that it’s 11/11.

-RANT TIME-

Everything about that special birthday audio for AKI sounded nice and lovely until the part with “…she MAY end up killing him (FANG) herself.” I know it’s been foreshadowed in AKI’s World Tour dialogue and how FANG had to kill his closest Nguuhao brothers for his first assassin job in the Toxicity story, but damn, it’s a reminder that AKI’s happiness (and mine too 😭😭) MAY eventually have a grim ending. After listening to that audio, it prompted me to write these posts a long while ago:

I much prefer the Japanese commentator audio because it said that “AKI almost poisons FANG” rather than “she MAY end up killing him herself” like in the English one. It’s far less doom and gloom in the Japanese version. Plus, FANG is already immune to poison lol.

Honestly, I’m happy that “almost” no one heard the English commentator audio on AKI’s birthday and Eventhubs never even mentioned it. I can imagine the barrage of dumb comments from F.A.N.G haters wanting him dead. Come on, give A.K.I. a break on her birthday. Telling her to kill F.A.N.G, the most important person in her life, would make her truly upset.

-END RANT-

Now the Copium

Shortly after finding that audio, I kinda formed a headcanon-pseudo fanfic to make myself feel better. I don’t normally make these kinds of things because I generally just stick to canon…but also I lack creativity when it comes to story telling. Anyway, this was what I wrote:

“I hope FANG stays a coward. The day when AKI and FANG must face each other and FANG finds out that AKI finally surpasses him, he’ll plead for his life in front of AKI. AKI will say that she’d never want to kill him anyway and they could live happily together. FANG says he’ll do whatever AKI wishes. AKI says there’s no need and they should live as equals…but she has one request. The scene changes where AKI is in a Victorian style cafe and FANG is the sophisticated stylish butler with a monocle serving AKI tea and desserts. AKI claps in excitement like a little girl.”

And of course, I had to draw this idea because I thought it would be cute. A lot of people have seen it already on AKI’s birthday:

This was the result of making my little made-up scenario. The best thing about it was Street Fighter Official retweeted this art. It’s like they’re validating it or something lol. It’s kinda ironic really. Me hearing that birthday audio more than a month prior, and then me drawing my fantasy picture for AKI’s birthday and Street Fighter Official retweeting it. It feels like poetic justice. I know this is reaching here, but I think the social media staff saw it as AKI’s longing to have a truly happy moment with FANG. Perhaps to the staff that this image, my very own coping fantasy, closely aligns with what AKI truly wanted. It’s like I am A.K.I. or A.K.I. is me. Lol. There were better, more popular art that came out on her birthday, but they often leave out on what’s most dear to AKI. Though there were also a few birthday artworks where FANG is included…I don’t know why they weren’t retweeted and mine was. I don’t know. I’m just making conjectures on why my piece was chosen when there were much better ones that came out on AKI’s birthday.

Additional F.A.N.G Content in Future DLC

Anyway, speaking of how important F.A.N.G is, I think we’re going to see more of him in World Tour Mode when Ed DLC drops. Yes, it’s pretty obvious that he’s going to turn up later because of AKI’s arcade ending and FANG’s WT cutscene that has JP and Ed in it. But those aren’t the only reasons why FANG will come back. The same time I found out about the AKI commentator audio was also the time when I uncovered additional FANG audio. He only said a few lines in WT, but there are more lines that were not used in the game as of 11/15/2023. I extracted them all, both in English and Japanese.

ENGLISH

JAPANESE

I uploaded these audio clips on October 11, exactly one month before A.K.I.’s birthday. Go figure.

From the sounds of it, he has more varied reactions, some more missions for you to complete, and mentions M. Bison’s name twice in unknown contexts. I believe these voice lines will be utilized in later dlc, if not in the upcoming Ed release. I found the AKI birthday commentary audio long before her birthday was even announced, so I’m betting that we’ll hear these unused FANG voice lines in the future. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any battle voice lines for FANG, but perhaps in a future dlc he might be a fightable NPC?

If you’ve finished reading this, thanks for bearing with me lol.

[chicgeekgirl89]

Packing a Piece

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: Carlos Reyes, T.K. Strand

Rating: T

Summary: 

“Yeah, I’m not really a talk-it-out kind of person,” T.K. mumbles around the lip of the glass as he takes a sip.

“So I’ve noticed,” Carlos tells him, a knowing smile on his face. “I believe your motto is ‘punch first, questions later?’”

“You’re never going to let that go, huh?” T.K. asks, wincing at the reminder of his recent bar brawl.

“The image of you in handcuffs, looking like a cranky, beat up alley cat? Probably not.”

A/N: I always love the early days of a ship. The will they/won't they. The longing looks. The miscommunications. Here for all of it. So when a happy little fic involving the darts scene came into my brain, I took it and ran. Also this fic has one of the dirtiest lines I've ever written, so if my mom ever finds this...I'm sorry.

Read on AO3

This was not how he’d planned to spend the evening. He glares across the room at Judd Ryder, chomping on the straw in his drink as the activity of the bar swirls around him. God, he’s literally never met someone more infuriating, someone more rude…who the hell does this guy think he is?

“Your turn.”

Carlos’ voice draws T.K. back to the game at hand and he looks up to see the other man smiling as he holds out a couple of darts. Right. He’s on a date. One he should definitely have said no to given his current fury at his teammate.

Two hours ago he’d stormed out of the firehouse and run smack dab into a firm torso. 

Strong arms grabbed hold of him to keep him from toppling over. “Whoa,” Carlos said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry,” T.K. said, distracted by his bad mood. He just wanted to get out of here and as far away from Judd as he possibly could.

“Trying to add assaulting an officer to your rap sheet?” Carlos asked.

That got his attention and the uncertainty must have shown on his face because Carlos smiled. “I’m kidding.”

“Right,” T.K. said. He frowned. “What are you doing here?”

Carlos actually blushed and it was so fucking cute it made T.K.’s heart skip a beat. “Oh, I, um, I…kind of came to see if you’d give me another shot.”

T.K. raised his eyebrows. 

“Listen, I—I guess I wasn’t completely honest with you, or myself,” Carlos said. “The one night stand, fuck buddies kind of thing…it’s not me. And I don’t want to put any pressure on you or anything but…I like you. So I thought I would take my chances and see if you wanted to go on a date. With me. Tonight.”

The word “date” immediately made T.K. balk. That wasn’t a lifestyle he wanted anymore. Love ‘em and leave ‘em seemed like a much better, less heartbreaking option. Plus he’d already bared far more of his soul to Carlos than he was comfortable with during his brief incarceration. Better to walk away while he still had at least a little dignity left.

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” he said slowly.

“Just one drink,” Carlos urged. “Well, I mean, not a DRINK drink, obviously because…” His hands fluttered around aimlessly as he tried to recover from his verbal fumble and he let out a nervous half chuckle. “Okay I told myself I wouldn’t screw this up, but I guess I did. So, never mind. It’s fine.”

The sight of strong, brawny, hot-as-hell Officer Reyes looking for all the world timid and shy made him weak. “Okay,” he’d said before he could stop himself.

Carlos had frozen. “Really?”

How could he say no to those beautiful, soft, guileless brown eyes? And he really did kind of owe the guy after being such a dick the last couple times they’d been together.“Yeah. Sure. Let’s grab a drink or whatever.”

And now here he is, in a bar, pissed as hell, and the subject of his ire is across the room, further souring his mood. He can’t even have a date in peace. Judd “Stop Acting Like the Coach’s Son” Ryder has to ruin that too.

He needs to relax, to blow off some steam, and forget that the people working alongside him at the firehouse are the most judgmental, ass-backward, hillbillies he’s ever met. And hopefully, if he plays his cards right, there will be some blowing of other things later. Judging by the way Carlos keeps checking out his ass when he thinks T.K.’s not looking, his chances seem pretty good.

Although T.K. might ruin everything if he keeps complaining. Nobody wants a cranky lay.

“You know, if I was a less secure man, I might be bothered by the fact that I worked up the nerve to ask you out, and you’ve spent the entire night talking about another guy,” Carlos finally says after T.K. mouths off yet again. 

He should apologize. But he doesn’t. Instead he presses on, practically goading Carlos into calling time of death on this miserable date over his assholery. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone as good as Carlos anyway. This is the third time in a row that he’s been a jerk to the man, and he really doesn’t understand why the guy keeps coming back for more. 

A tiny voice in the back of T.K.’s mind whispers that he’s self-sabotaging yet again, but he tells it to shut up and reminds it that at least he’s not shooting up or getting the crap beat out of him to deal with it this time. 

“You think he’s right?” he asks. It’s a challenge, a test, one designed to make Carlos fail so T.K. can prove to the world that he’s still a screw-up that no one could possibly ever want.

Carlos doesn’t say anything, just tosses another couple darts at the board, then waits for T.K. to go collect them.

“Do you?” he finally asks.

It makes T.K.’s blood boil. Because yeah, that is one of his greatest fears. That he’s only here because of his dad. That he’ll never be good enough on his own. And he doesn’t like anyone to push on that particularly tender part of his ego. “You know I’m holding a dart?” he says, sending Carlos a pointed look.

Carlos’ answer is immediate. “And I’m packing a piece.”

T.K. freezes in surprise at the snappy response. It’s just enough to break through his inner monologue and get him to fully pay attention to the gorgeous, completely ripped, incredibly good at sex stuff, man in front of him. “That’s hot,” he says, thoughts of Judd Ryder and his terrible day slowly melting away.

Carlos gives him a charming little smile. “Do I finally have your attention now?”

T.K. leans closer, amusement and desire swirling in his gut. “Yes.”

“Good.” Carlos cocks his head to the side and then swipes the dart from T.K.’s hand. “Because I want you fully present when I kick your ass.”

Carlos does kick his ass, not a surprise considering the man wears a gun as part of his uniform. But T.K. doesn’t do too badly either. And despite the fact that he came into this with a chip on his shoulder…it’s fun. Carlos is sweet and snarky and unbelievably good. He’s kind to T.K., the bar staff, the people who walk by. And god help him, T.K. feels something stirring inside himself that he’d thought had died on the floor of his New York apartment five months ago.

“Okay, how are you doing that?” T.K. asks when Carlos hits his sixth or seventh bullseye of the night.

“Practice,” Carlos says with a shrug. “I can show you if you want.”

He steps up behind T.K., his lips right by T.K.’s ear as he speaks. “Relax your body,” he says, his hands skimming gently over T.K.’s frame, positioning him just so. “I like to line my shoulder up with the bull’s eye.”

The warmth of his breath on T.K.’s neck causes goosebumps to rise along his skin. Carlos’ hips bump up against him and he sucks in a sharp breath. This is…beyond a turn-on. 

“Then you just draw back and let it go,” he says, giving T.K. a quick pat on the ass before he steps back. “Go get ‘em champ.”

The heat T.K. was feeling seconds ago immediately turns into annoyance at the obvious reference to Judd’s words. He sends Carlos a scowl. “I’m glad my workplace harassment is funny to you.” 

“Are you going to take the shot? Or should I have your dad come over here and coach you from the sidelines?” Carlos asks, a sassy grin on his face as he needles T.K.

T.K. rolls his eyes, but he draws his arm back and gives the dart a toss. It hits only millimeters off of center.

“Nice,” Carlos says. “Keep practicing and maybe next time you’ll beat me.”

Next time. Like this isn’t a one time thing. Like Carlos wants to see him again even though T.K. has tried his damndest to fuck this evening up. Who the hell is this guy?

“So I was thinking—“

“You want to get out of here?” T.K. asks, cutting him off.

“Yes,” Carlos says immediately. “Let me close our tab.”

He’s back in less than two minutes and then it’s a short drive to his place where they immediately lose themselves in an already familiar rhythm of lips and hands and teeth and skin. 

“Well that was fun,” Carlos says when they’re both laid flat out on his bed, a satisfied smile on his face as he pulls his briefs back into place.

“You deserved some fun after I was such a crappy date,” T.K. tells him as he reaches for his own briefs, which have gotten hung up on a lamp.

Carlos’ face immediately drops. “Wait, you didn’t—T.K. you didn’t come over here because you felt obligated to, right?”

God this man is so damn good, it almost physically pains him. “No,” T.K. says quickly. “No, I—that’s not what I meant I was just…”

“Because if you felt like I pressured you into any of what just happened or thought I had some kind of expectation—“

“No, Carlos, it’s okay,” T.K. says, reaching out and putting a hand on his thigh for reassurance. “I was being self deprecating. I promise, I wanted everything we just did as much as you.”

Carlos relaxes. “Okay good.” He looks down at T.K.’s hand. “You’re really hard on yourself, you know that?”

“Not hard enough according to Judd,” T.K. says with a roll of his eyes, then inwardly cringes for bringing that up again. He truly is a terrible date. No wonder Alex left him for someone else.

“Have you ever thought that maybe whatever Judd is saying, it’s not about you?”

The question catches him by surprise and so does the earnestness in Carlos’ eyes. “What else could it be about?” T.K. asks.

Carlos shrugs. “His marriage. Money. His truck.”

T.K. snorts a laugh. “You think he bit my head off because he’s upset about his truck?”

“You’re in Texas now. Men love their trucks. Sometimes more than their wives,” Carlos tells him as he gets up and heads into the bathroom. “What I’m saying is, usually when people are mad, it’s about more than what they say it is.” He returns with two glasses of water, one of which he hands to T.K. “I’ve known Judd a long time. He’s a good guy. And he’s been through a lot lately. Might be worth it to try and talk it out.”

“Yeah, I’m not really a talk-it-out kind of person,” T.K. mumbles around the lip of the glass as he takes a sip.

“So I’ve noticed,” Carlos tells him, a knowing smile on his face. “I believe your motto is ‘punch first, questions later?’”

“You’re never going to let that go, huh?” T.K. asks, wincing at the reminder of his recent bar brawl.

“The image of you in handcuffs, looking like a cranky, beat up alley cat? Probably not,” Carlos says, leaning back and giving T.K. a spectacular view of all the muscles in his abdomen. The man is built like a freaking god.

“An alley cat? Seriously?” he asks.

Carlos shrugs. “I saw what I saw.”

“You’re very lucky that you’re hot,” T.K. tells him with a roll of his eyes. He takes a peek as his phone. “I should probably get going.”

“Or…”

“Or…what?”

Carlos leans forward and presses a searing kiss to his lips. “Or you could stay a little longer. And give me a new memory of you in handcuffs,” he says, soft eyes going dark and stormy.

T.K. stays.

“I had a good time tonight,” Carlos says a couple hours later as he walks T.K. to the door. He had made it very clear that T.K. could stay over but…he’s not there yet.

“Good,” T.K. says, throwing on a cocky smile. “I’d hate to think all my hard work upstairs was for nothing.”

Carlos gives him an exasperated look. “I mean the whole thing T.K. The date, the sex, all of it.”

“You are not going to tell me you think tonight falls into the category of a ‘good date,’” T.K. says incredulously. “I was being a dick the entire time.”

Carlos shrugs. “You had a rough day. It happens. I still had fun.” He steps forward and runs a finger flirtatiously down T.K.’s chest, toying with the top button of his shirt. “Besides, I like being someone who can put a smile back on your face.”

Stunned is an understatement. This is…he’s really not used to being treated like this. Like he’s allowed to have bad moments. Like maybe Carlos isn’t going to just use him and then walk away. Like maybe Carlos actually…likes him. Not just tolerates him or wants him for sex.

“Can I see you again? Maybe this weekend?” Carlos asks, that sweet, innocent look in his eyes. The one that turns the “no” in T.K.’s throat into a “yes” by the time it reaches his tongue.

T.K. nods, uncertainty shifting around inside him like the open seas in a storm. “Yeah.”

“Great.” Carlos smiles and then leans in, capturing T.K.’s lips in a soft kiss. “It’s a date.”

T.K.’s mind whirls as he slips into his cab. What the hell is happening to him?

[yukidragon]

I don't know how this site works and if this question has been asked before, but I can't stop thinking about it. After a night together with Jack, which was very significant for both of them, MC goes to open the door for Shaun and spends a lot of time with him, as if forgetting about the naked lover in the bedroom. She doesn't go to him to put him in a situation, but sits with Shaun and talks about crap. I don't know how to interpret it, but it seems sooo weird to me, What can that mean?

For this, I would like to draw attention to MC’s thoughts in the demo at a few scenes. First, here is their thoughts after Ian’s phone call when Jack goes to comfort them.

I’ve felt so bad for so long…I almost feel guilty, how he seems to make it all just disappear… How I think I… Maybe I might just… … ... No. No, something isn’t right about this. I feel for him...But something about this is too good. I won’t use him as a bandage, to cover up the feelings I don’t want to feel.

Then a little later...

After all this time… Is this. Love? Does Jack really make me feel whole, all on his own? Or…Is this just a hallucination too. Is this even real? Do I want to love…A hallucination?

MC regards being with Jack as being in a dreamy haze, as they themselves remark on in the “yes” route.

I can’t help but feel odd when I’m grounded in reality. The things I can see and hear and touch for myself. At the moment. Jack is all that I can see. He’s the most real thing there is. But after that, when anything else has my attention, I can see the utter ludicrousness of the situation. Is it intoxicating? Is that what this is? What is this dreamy haze that I find myself consumed by when it comes to him? …And I still don’t quite know what he is. No. No, I really shouldn’t be giving him this kind of power over me.

Jack’s presence in MC’s life is supernatural, and seems to feel like something out of a dream. When reality snaps us out of that dream and demands our attention, we usually tend to forget about the daydream for the most part and focus on the here and now. This could be the case whenever anything else distracts MC from Jack that he feels less real to them in the same way.

However, it could be something much more mundane than that. MC remarked that they were not quite awake and coherent when talking with Shaun. They forgot he was coming and panicked at that fact. These two things, plus their reunion, could serve as enough of a distraction to make them forget that their lover is waiting for them in the other room. Sometimes people are just awkward that way, and we’ve seen MC get distracted at times when engaging with people, as Jack, Shaun, and Ian comment on in their own ways.

Shaun Jeez. Nice to know you’re still a total space case, huh?

Ian Alice?…Are you alright? I snap out of my blissful trance. Alice Oh. Uh. Yeah! Yeah, no, I’m alright! Ian You’re totally spacing on me…Is everything okay?

Jack Alice? Are you okay? Ack. I jump as I return from the realm of warm fuzzies and back to reality.

I hope you don’t mind that I saved these quotes with my version of the MC’s name in them.

Anyway, it seems to be a plot point in the game that MC is the type of person to “space out” on people. This mild disconnect from reality could be part of why they struggle to believe Jack is even real and wonder if they’re just hallucinating his existence entirely.

If MC has this sort of habit of wandering off inside their head, only to snap back to reality when someone is asking for their attention, they could be used to just pushing everything to the side to focus on what’s immediately in front of them until they’re reminded of other things they should be focused on. This could just be something normal for them, or it could’ve been affected more strongly by their fatigue, Jack’s supernatural nature, or any combination thereof.

This tendency to disconnect from reality might also be another reason why MC is running away from nostalgia so desperately. They need to focus on what’s ahead, not what’s behind, though they can’t seem to help wandering off and getting lost inside their head, as we’ve seen in their narration in the demo.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur  

[is-she-suffering]

06/2000 - Dazed and Confused

QUEEN ADREENA WORDS: ROGER MORTON

AGAINST THE HARSHLY LIT BACKDROP OF CALIFORNIA, QUEEN ADREENA’S SEXUALISED ROCK THEATRICS APPEAR AS A WELCOME BEACON OF DARK.

“I think childbirth is pretty fucking amazing,” says Katie Jane Garside. “I think that sex isn’t golden copulation. I think sex is like childbirth really I do. It’s blood, it’s blood and it’s caring and it’s breaking out.” We are trying to draw correlations for Katie Jane’s rock'n'roll band, but somehow even with prompting in the direction of Frida Kahlo and some edging towards Anais Nin, we keep slipping out of highbrow into something more amniotic. It is disconcerting, particularly because the Pre-Raphelite dryad of a singer is intermittently slurping pink slush through a straw with matching coral vampire lips.

If the job of an artist is to make you reinterpret life, then Queen Adreena’s ectoplasmic chanteuse is due for promotion. It’s been a long time since a band came along with such a powerful, prenatural, psycho-sexual aura. Drop the fourth ‘e’ out of their name and you find its derivation in the notorious American dominatrix Queen Adrena, a six foot four giantess who specialises in crushing submissive men. A fascination with the fetish world surfaces again in Martina Hoogland-Ivanov’s Victorian postcard style short films made to accompany the album Taxidermy. In one scene guitarist Crispin Gray crawls on all fours with a bit in his mouth while a naked Garside rides forth. In another, the singer towers spookily, a 12 foot child giantess in a 19th century ballgown.

In less skilled hands the Adreenal vision of insane sex faery rock would be in danger of descending into the dungeon of camp, but Garside and Gray plus bassist Orson Wajih and drummer Billy Freedom have taken extreme pains and a good few years to perfect their current incarnation. In 1991 Gray and Garside were the creative core of the briefly mesmerising Daisy Chainsaw. Their electric chair punk and Garside’s damaged doll charisma made a sizeable impression, but only one album - LoveSickPleasure - emerged before “fragile” Katie ducked out of the spotlight, shaving her head and literally heading for the hills. Most of the '90s was spent recovering. “I haven’t ever not been involved, I’ve always just done music,” says Katie. “It’s the one thing that’s been consistent in my life from the moment I can remember. I’ve always sung and it’s always given me solace, sanctity. It’s what’s kept me safe. Because I think art, or whatever you want to call it, it’s not, in my experience, a choice. If I don’t do what I do, I get very sick. I don’t want to make it sound too melodramatic, but what it does is allow me to be a witness of myself so I’m not absorbed by the other stuff that’s going on around me. That’s what I mean by it keeps me safe.”

In the intervening years before she met with Crispin again and reconciled their differences, Courtney Love had popularised Garside’s ripped petticoat and lace “kinder-whore” chic (“I adore Courtney, I think she’s amazing”). But no one apart from PJ Harvey proved much cop at the lid-off-female-subconscious volition. Backed by a ridiculously great band, Katie Jane is now the most stage-articulate and daring woman performer in music, making Tori Amos look like Sarah Brightman.

In LA, showcasing he Taxidermy album, she terrifies the crowd at the Viper Room. Her voice is now beautifully controlled, cutting from petal-child to succubus harlot. Eyes rolling beneath the flowerpinned snake tresses, she approximates possessed sex with the mic stand and spends half the show upside down. Then she heads to the nearest strip bar to study.

The music and the performance express a version of sexuality that goes against the norm. Is that a political act? “I’m not sure that I want to be political, but I think the true feminine has been denied and is really being written out. It’s got just a tiny little edge of the screen and I think that’s why so many women are so down on themselves. You don’t really witness the true feminine at work very often at the moment, but I know that she’s bubbling underneath, and things like eating disorders, they’re symptomatic of that, because she’s being denied. She’s being forced out of existence, but whenever you repress something or deny something it comes back with such a force.”

Unlike her very distant relatives the goths, Garside does not melt in the tungsten sunshine of LA. She’s of a different shade. Her complexity and the close partnership with Crispin shine through in Taxidermy. “Madraykin” is a blues in calipers; “Hide From Time” a creaking womb; “Sleepwalking” a dreamscape and “Cold Fish” is bloody bones violence. It sounds like Jane’s Addiction fronted by Ophelia. Katie’s addiction however, is not going to fuck her up this time.

There’s a track called “Are The Songs My Disease?” which appears to be saying all this might be bad for your mental health. “Yep, that’s true. But that’s what I meant in the beginning about if you’ve got a choice about this stuff don’t do it. But I’ve got nothing left to lose in a lot of ways. See, when the struggle really comes on, it’s taken me to some really, really crazy places that I wouldn’t have anyone else go to. It’s the place where people become Jim Morrison and Napoleon Bonaparte and where you become God and omnipotent and you think you’re the only thing alive. That’s the most frightening place I’ve ever been to and that’s also a kind of living death because there’s nowhere to go after that.”

[flowerandblood]

Ahhh, hello Hagi!!

I heard it was officially Q&A time, and I thought I’d drop in a message! What are some ways you’ve gotten better at writing emotional/intellectual detail/scenes, and how do you battle writers block? I have so many things planned but I’m struggling to force myself into officially starting.

What are some ways that help you find out how to begin your series/fics? I think that’s what I struggle with the most.

Also, I am so sorry you’re in such pain, I am sending all the wishes for your comfort and relaxation these next few days! 🫶🏻

- Autumn 🍁

Hello, my love!!! Great to see a question from you!

As for the first part about writing and the experiences, feelings and intellectual part of the characters' thoughts, I usually draw from my own experiences or try to imagine myself in the hero's place. In my opinion, the biggest mistake is unfounded exaggeration, using big words to describe experiences that are not really so.

For example, you could write a sentence like this:

He couldn't live without her, he only thought about her, his little girl.

In my opinion, something more appropriate, closer to the real thoughts that flow through people's heads, would be something like this:

He thought about her before bed or as he drank his morning coffee, surprised by how much she filled his mind now, his little joy, his sweet girl.

The point is that, we rarely experience emotions in our lives that are extremely bad or good, they are usually a mixture of several things at once, desires and doubts, in my opinion, by giving up on them, the authors deprive the relationships they write about of realism (which is not necessary, after all, in fanfics, what I mean is that if you want your story to be realistic, it's worth remembering such things).

As for writer's block (which I actually have lately, haha), the most important thing is not to force yourself to do anything. If I don't feel something at the moment, I leave it. I only write what I feel inspired to do. I don't blame myself for writing and publishing less than usual.

As for the beginning, I always start from the middle, pushing the reader into the centre of the events. I believe that excessive thinking about the beginning, about how to present the characters, that they must first be properly described, kills the desire to write. The reader can get to know the character through conversations between the characters, through the thoughts of someone who reacts to them, not everything has to - or even should - be written directly.

I don't know if it will help you anyway, these are just my thoughts, which are not an obligation to anyone except me, because this is the type of writing I like the most. Kisses and hugs!!!

Ask me anything you want Q&A

[xxxdreamscapexxx]

wow uhh you calling me cute made my brain melt ;m; thank you maam.

im okay, its late for me and i cant sleep :(( but your writing is a good comfort <3

but yeah! like i was saying— you are *excellent* at writing believable character dynamics, which is messy and frustrating to do well in a strict 24/7 dynamic like most of your stories are. a lot of the time it can feel forced or corny when people (me lol) write kink dynamics like yours? but you pair it so perfectly with this sort of… quiet domesticity that is SORELY needed to balance it out.

Im thinking specifically of your emphasis on cooking, in a lot of what ive read of yours but in this case with the new one, with the opening moment of the new fic being the reader running to her arms and burying her face in her domme’s neck, just to feel close to her and wrapped in her scent. it’s sensuous its tactile it’s warm, its a tiny detail but it really serves to balance out the scene, hinting at the much needed understanding that their dynamic is about more gentle and caring than the story’s scope, and since the story is sooo sex based you REALLY need that soft hit right at the beginning to prime the audience. its a really deft move that you pull often, like the way a dominant touches her submissive’s face in the heat of things, it’s grounding and stabilizing, re centering the reader and prepping us for whats next. little gentle moments to imply the broader relationship outside the sexual. it’s a really lovely touch.

ive also been thinking lately about your username, and how because your stories often orbit the same kinks and similar dynamics, it gives your broader library this lovely feeling like a recurring dream. i dunno about you but i get a number of recurring dreams, and with them its rare that the exact circumstance and narrative repeats, rather that there are a few central details or beats or images that appear in the same order, but the events of the dream between them shift and bend and warp as time goes on. for your writing it’s less that plot beats or narrative arcs repeat, and more that the central guiding points the rest orbits around are your kinks? if that makes sense?

the word mommy, the constant teasing and edging, the gentle lilt of wanda’s voice in the precise way you write her, the feeling i get in the pit of my stomach when the work presses my buttons… on a wide scale these become more than the sum of their parts, painting your blog into this alluring dreamscape where i find myself returning to the comforting sensation of your work, like a recurring dream that I’m relieved to return to, the consistent ebb and flow of tension and afterglow lapping at me and lulling me from sleep back to the waking world. it’s a really compelling feeling, and makes me appreciate your blog name for giving words to it. whether or not its intentional is irrelevant, the mere fact that i feel it when i see you post a new story is enough.

sorry for rambling so long maam i got a little absorbed…

thank you for letting all of us into your dreamscape <3 it’s no surprise i come here when I can’t sleep.

~ 🙇🏽‍♀️🙇🏽‍♀️🙇🏽‍♀️ ~

Holy... I... I'm speechless! I've never, in my life, read a better, more flattering, more beautiful review of my work! I read it twice and I'm still in awe at how unbelievably alluring you make it sound! I love your attention to detail, and just the dreamy aura you wrap around the stories. I... I feel so flattered and so honoured to receive such high praise... Honestly, I draw so much of my writing from my own vision of a good, healthy, happy relationship, that I never knew how soft and sweet it must look from the eyes of the reader. I... I want to give you a hug and kiss your forehead, because I've never felt so appreciated! This is... Just heart-warming. Thank you for being so kind to me, dear!

[babeczka415]

Eternal Love - Chapter 6

It’s been a few months now since I’ve seen Jake. My heart hurts less when I do think of him or when Hannah and Lilly mention him by mistake. I guess he’s been in contact with them. That thought brings a smile to my face as that means even while on the run he’s trying to be their brother. Jessy and I have been having girl nights which are just full of horror movies, junk food, and laughing. But hey, they say laughter is the best medicine, right?

Dan and I ever since that night in the bar have gotten really close and tonight he’s over here for some movies and popcorn. He had put on a movie as I was making it. I walk into the living room with the bowl, and I find myself smiling at him. Not the way I used to but I find myself wondering why this man is still single. He loves hard for those he cares about and will do anything to protect them. I’ve seen this side of him way more than anyone else I feel.

He looks over and catches me smiling “hey boo, don’t let that popcorn get cold” he laughs.

I can’t help but laugh with him and I throw a piece of popcorn and he catches it and realizes it’s still hot. His face makes me laugh harder as I sit down next to him, maybe a little closer than I should but something is drawing me to him.

We enjoy the movie eating popcorn and laughing at the funny scenes. There’s a few spots that make me jump and I hear his laugh at me.

The movie ends and we both go to grab the remote to put something on and our hands touch. This is different from other times. I find myself looking into his brown eyes. I never noticed the hint of gold and different browns in them before. I notice he recently cleaned up his beard and his hair is let down which frames his face.

I find myself leaning in towards him but I notice he is too and our lips touch. I feel his soft lips on mine and I feel my body melting. Everything over these past few months with him just makes sense at this moment. How have I never noticed him like this before?

We pull away and I see a look on his face. It’s one of uncertainty. “I’m sorry if that went to face. ” His voice feels distant as I’m still thinking about that kiss. 

I shake my head “no we both leaned in Dan. Maybe we should give us a shot?” I ask, biting my lip.

The nerves as she stares at me makes it feel forever but in reality it’s only seconds before his lips crash back onto mine this time more demanding and I give in to him as I feel his hand on the back of my neck. 

I reluctantly pull away from the kiss and looking into eyes I see the love in his eyes. They aren’t like I’m used to but dang he knows how to make me feel good at least in this moment.

“Maybe we should take it slow and not tell anyone just yet” he states cupping my face.

“Yeah, I agree let’s see where this goes before we tell the gang. Even though they are going to figure it out fast.” I say with a chuckle.

He chuckles as well at that, “you’re so right. They might have figured out something already.” He stands up. He leans down and kisses me softly and quickly. “But I should go boo. Work in the morning and don’t want to mess this job up” he smiles.

“Goodnight Dan. Drive safe” I say following him to the front door and watch him get in his car.

————————-

It’s been a few weeks, Dan and I are keeping things quiet but everyone is starting to figure it out. We’re all heading to the Aurora tonight as there is live music. We figured tonight is the night to finally tell everyone officially. Dan had picked me up and are now standing outside the Aurora, we know everyone else is inside already. He grabs my hand and looks me in the eyes and then kisses my forehead. 

I would have never imagined Dan to be like this in a relationship and I love it. He’s not afraid to show the world I’m his but there’s always a thought in the back of my head of doubt. 

What if Jake comes back and is free? Can I really stay away from him?

I shake my head out to get back to the moment. No, I can’t think that way not now. I’ve done so well moving on from him that I can’t let what if’s ruin a good thing that is building.

We head inside hand in hand and walk up to the table. Of course my red headed best friend is the first one to notice us holding hands.

“I KNEW IT!” Jessy exclaims hugging Dan and I

“I think we all did at this point” laughs Lilly.

“Oh shush we’re happy” I say looking at Dan.

“MC do you have a moment?” Asks Hannah.

“Yeah lets go get a drink, I need one” I say with a smile as I let go of Dan’s hand.

Her and I walk up to the bar and I order my drink. “What about Jake?” She asks.

“I’ve moved on like he told me to Hannah.” I sigh as I wait for my drink.

“But what if….” She starts to say

“No, what if Hannah. He’s the one who pushed me away. I’m finally healing and happy. Dan isn’t a rebound like Phil was. I promise you that. Will your brother always hold a spot in my heart? Hell yes…. I still believe he’s my soulmate but obviously it wasn’t meant to be.” I see my drink show up and I grab it.

Hannah grabs my hand. “I just don’t want to see Dan or you hurt. I know what he did was wrong but I will tell you, he asks about you when we talk. It’s the first thing he types every single time.” She sighs.

I look into her blue eyes, they are just like Jakes. “I can’t say down the road I won’t forgive him but right now I can’t let him or the thought of him back into my life. I’m healing and happy with where things are. I need you and Lilly to accept that him and I might not be the end game like everyone thought.” I walk away from Hannah back to the table.

Dan instantly realizes something is wrong and holds me tight not wanting to ask what we talked about. He’s protective of me for certain but he won’t push me too far when I don’t want to talk about something.

We enjoy the night. I do notice Hannah on her phone a little more often texting and it’s noone in the group so I know who she is. She’s telling him everything I said.

[seeminglyseph]

Somehow I am getting so many more scenes with Astarion as Py than I did as Lake. I feel like I should just backtrack Lake a bit and have *him* romance Gale and have Py romance Astarion because Py is absolutely connecting with Astarion 100% better than Lake was. Though honestly Lake is connecting with Shadowheart the best and it’s completely by accident because I don’t know a lot of BG or official DnD lore, like I’ve said in the past my DnD knowledge comes from Critical Role so like. Even my knowledge of the pantheon is like. Idk, questionable at best. Making Lake a Drow Selûnite Cleric was a happy accident for twinning Shadowheart. I didn’t *plan* on Lake being like… Shadowheart’s weirdly intense best friend. But the idea that Lake and Shadowheart are best friends in that weirdly intense way that like. Makes everyone kinda uncomfortable and not really sure what’s going on especially since Lake isn’t into women and is dating someone else. Double especially since Lake is trans but like, not really transitioned because a) he’s very femme presenting and b) there isn’t a top surgery option. But also because I project certain traits into him, he has a sort of “I’m comfortable with using aspects of my femininity, and I’m used to finding power in these aspects of myself, I’m learning how to come to terms with what that means when my identity doesn’t align with many of the things I’ve learned to draw power from” and the whole. Moon Goddess Sacred Femininity thing worked for part of that. There are aspects to being a trans masculine person who is in some way used to drawing power from femininity and how that feels like a betrayal to self once you identify that schism in your identity and how you feel that I want to explore and Lake is an interesting character to explore it through. Making him a Cleric to Selûne was part of that. Having him have what would *appear* to be a very homoerotic friendship with Shadowheart despite not having sexual attraction towards women and also having complex feelings towards Selûne that I doubt will be explored in gameplay but that’s what headcanon and fan material is for. I don’t join fandoms to be passive. I join fandoms to create my own experiences for my blorbos.

Py is developing his own existence and I’m very much going to have to double check how long half elves live. And I’m very close to throwing in the towel and romancing Astarion with him and backtracking with Lake because Astarion is going significantly better on this run.

Plus it would probably be better for me to fix some stuff in my Lake run… I think I missed a bunch of stuff it would be better to go get… especially now I’ve figured it out. So. I think that might be the new plan. Because Py has had like. 3 new scenes with Astarion and I haven’t even done the end of the act and triggered a romance yet. I mean we’re still cooking at medium while Gale is at Very High but I feel like Gale is just. Easier to get to like you if you play a Good For The Most Part character. While Astarion is harder to find the Approval triggers for. Or there are fewer of them in the first act. I’m not looking it up right now, I don’t want to look at walkthrough levels of clarity.

Part of me is a little afraid like. “Meet him where he’s at” Bitchy talk like “can I convince you to kill someone less useful” will trigger as evil and send him on the dark path rather than come across as like… “seen some shit morbid humour” to which I am accustomed. Because the conversation feels like a weird Fuck/Marry/Kill flirting session. But I’ve been Glassed before and I just want these video game people to like me. And Astarion is very stubborn.

I’m sitting outside taking a smoke break so this has gotten quite rambling and disjointed, but. I’m also just. Really enjoying something to eat up my time and attention and I’m hoping to get far enough in the game I can enjoy some of the more meaningful and spoilerful stuff. I really am enjoying digging everything I can out of the first act so I don’t miss anything important

[keefwho]

April 26 - 2023

8:17 AM

Okay straight up I hate how I’ve been feeling/acting lately. I’ll try to change my behavior today, whatever that means. Maybe I haven’t been very true to myself and that’s whats wrong. I’m not sure, all I know is I don’t feel very good. 

11:30 AM

Holy fuck I hate myself lol.

2:37 PM

Well here I am having another episode. One that will end over time but I know I’m gonna be in a dark place for a little bit. 

I feel alone and hopeless. For years I feel like my life has steadily been going downhill. Like I’ve desperately tried to hold onto everything I have but I lose things one by one until one day it’ll reach a breaking point and then it’s game over for me. People don’t care about me as much as I’d like, or at least I don’t always feel like they do. Probably because ultimately I’m a bad person to rely on no matter how hard I try. I feel destined to fail in everything I do. I struggle to find meaning in literally anything and the things I do find meaning in might just be coping mechanisms or otherwise unhealthy. I can’t even tell. All I can think to do is stick to my miserable schedule and wait for tiny moments of what I think is true happiness when I end up being able to gaslight myself into thinking I’m okay for a little bit. 

3:11 PM

Part of my horny problem is not even knowing what I want to do. I don’t just want to orgasm, I want something conceptually intense. Thats why I started leaning into watersports. I just love the humiliation aspect of it, no nutting is required to get my fix off of it. A lot of things have gotten old to me, like I’ve gotten much pickier when it comes to how scenes I like are portrayed. I wish I could get over this problem and have an easier time enjoying what I used to. My current plan has been trying to delegate horny behavior to more specific times. I think being a porn artist has led me to constantly seeking the sexuality in situations like it’s my job. I don’t want to constantly idea generate because it ends up getting in the way of wholesome times and burns me out on concepts. 

Another thing is how much more I used to enjoy doing things with other people. I erp’ed with a few people I wouldn’t have considered “close” and had fun, but that desire went away a long time ago. Partially because I always thought I was supposed to be giga horny and fucking around just to fit in. These days I like to save myself for more meaningful interactions which unfortunately results in less activity than I think I’d like. But there is no way around this. 

This’ll probably stop being such a big deal when I stop blueballing myself and finally do something. I think it’s been about a week of keeping myself pent up for basically no reason but at this point I’d wanna end it with something good so I’m still being patient until I’m in the right mood. 

8:26 PM

I am unlovable because I can’t even accept myself for who I am. I am alone because of myself. I will always be alone unless I can change. 

Honestly I wish I could have an existential giga crisis that either results in me offing myself or developing a miraculous life changing perspective. 

What have I ever done to deserve love anyways? Let down everyone I’ve ever known? Hence why I’m a friendless loser clinging onto to the few people that bare to put up with me. I don’t want to live knowing I will always end up with nobody. 

12:09 AM

Well obviously today was shit. Getting all my work done didn’t even feel good in the end, just pointless because who cares about when I draw my own OC? I didn’t really care too either so it feels like a total waste. 

I calmed down over the course of the evening but I’m still aware of my fundamental issues. Being inspired by what my friend is going through, I think I need a sort of change as well. I know how bad I am at hanging onto the past and how much it keeps me from moving forward. I more or less feel like I’m still meant to be living up to things that have long expired. For example, I still feel like I’m supposed to be a part of the TDS group and that I’m not allowed to move onto a different group. I feel like I used up my friend group slot and it cannot be replaced. I feel like that with friends I no longer talk to as well. I really need to move on from them. Yeah what we had was cool and maybe it would have been nice to salvage it but in most cases, things are far beyond that point. Ideally they’d turn into actual memories instead of current thoughts in my head. I’d have so much potential if I just didn’t consider them to still be relevant. 

Nothing is “used up.” There is so much potential in anything I choose to do if only I can see it. But that’s the hard part. 

[blairbeau]

I honestly really agree and at this point am desperate to rant about this with anyone man.

I fucking hate Nicole apologists. Oh she was a nuanced character SHUT THE FUCK UP. I hate HATE IT that portraying genuine sociopath makes her a flat character. No she’s a bitch. Jecka is important to her yes, but on Nicole’s scale of empathy and functioning. I can totally believe her fucking jecka over if she got tired of her. Especially with money involved. Also this was after she graduated, the girl wasn’t looking for a long fulfilling life of friendship. She steals shit and sells other on eBay, degrades guys for cash at the expense of her friend, and is a emo sociapth. The girl is killing herself before she even reach 25 no doubt.

Nicole is interesting because she can both warn Jecka about her father, but also fuck feet fuck her dad especially after not giving Nicole what she wanted she’s also a vindictive bitch.

Are we all forgetting what she did to Megan? Just because Nicole like Jecka a lot more than Megan doesn’t mean shit, she’s shown that she’s still willing to go there.

Nicole has little to no empathy, she doesn’t hold Jecka higher than her fucked up philosophy of life. Under very specific story circumstances and events could they have a friendship where Nicole wouldn’t do that. People are writing Jeckole in their head forgetting that their idealized versions of them are not what happened after whatever timeskip led them to graduating. The original game had so many choices and also effects of Nicole’s character and this game simply isn’t explicit on what exactly happened in chop during the graduation routes that led her to where she is now.

~

Jecka’s abuse. It was weirdly comforting to me because it felt realistic, the calm and rational nature of his voice then changing to rage and vulgar threats. Jecka’s breakdowns felt very very real. And sure it’s “misery porn” but it’s also simply reality. The fact that all other teachers that weren’t explicitly pedophiles turned out to be pedophiles in this game felt oddly comedic and dramatized, it probably would have been more realistic to create new character for those scenarios/routes but that can be a lot of work. Finding a new voice actor, drawing sprites, and writing in shit. And yes 5 endings is really disappointing and I personally don’t think it’s right to charge 15 bucks for that alone. But the re-up also had way less endings than the original. Creating all these different scenes choices and how they affect the narrative, making sure everything lines up correctly like a goddamn flowchart- it’s a LOT of effort. Would the flipside be better with more endings? Absolutely but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal that everyone is making it out to be (other then the price point)

Comedy is merely tragedy from far enough away. The flip-side simply zoomed in and showed up the same dark shit without Nicole’s sociopathic buffer and witty remarks.

It truly is an inverse to the series in every sense and I think the attention to detail to that fact is also praiseworthy

~

Is this a good finale for a sardonic comedic visual novel that reflected the dark edgy nature of the early 2000’s? Nah not really. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that this is not by no means the biggest flop of the century. It really makes me fucking hopeless that when brutally shown reality (even just for cheap shock value) people claim it to be some sort of “retcon” No bitch

I probably feel way too sensitively about this for my own personal bs reasons, my life could’ve easily turned out like Nicole and it’s really terrifying how much I see myself in her, so my opinions be very strong rn. Also i have so many wips for these toxic TOXIC fucking lesbians and I’m will kms if this fandom falls apart over Nicole being a dick to Jecka in one singular route.

.

.

.

I will make no comment on the foot stuff. I do not give a single fuck about the creator allegations against him or whatever I’m not here for the creator I’m here for the story. Yes some people can’t separate art from artist but I’m not one of them and am simply judge ig the work on its own merit. (Also I have way worse kinks than foot stuff so I really can’t judge 💀)

sick of seeing people complain about the flipside

it was SUPPOSED to be uncomfortable

that was the fucking POINT

to show how fucked up jeckas life is

also to the ppl complaining about nicole being ooc are you fucking blind??? she was always like that???

[solarissantaella]

2023 Update

I don’t want to make any big, sweeping promises about what I’m going to do with this blog moving forward because odds are, I won’t follow through with them, but I did want to give y’all an update on where I’m at writing-wise and in life. 

I recently got accepted to Western Colorado University’s publishing master’s program, and I start classes this summer, which I’m super excited about! It’s a very new program (I’m going to be in the fifth cohort), and it puts a lot of emphasis on practical experience, meaning I’ll get to jointly edit an anthology and independently publish a reprint of a book in the public domain while I’m there. I think that second project in particular will give me really useful experience in terms of self-publishing. While I think I could have some success via traditional publishing, I’d love to self-publish some smaller projects, like a chapbook, maybe. It could be a fun experiment, if nothing else. 

I more or less took December off in terms of original writing (filling out grad school applications as well as completing NaNoWriMo burnt me out pretty hard), although I did work on some smaller projects. The only ones worth mentioning would be the two songs I wrote for Csillo-Alexandra Domingue, an indie pop artist and good friend of mine. (The song I linked to here uses lyrics I wrote around a year and a half ago since the ones with the lyrics I wrote last month are still being produced). 

Her music deals with themes of mental health and alienation in an ultimately uplifting and affirming way, which makes writing for her a bit of a challenge, as my natural creative impulses tend to draw me in darker directions. I would say they’re more in line with the tone of Francisca and the Forgotten rather than Lemon Squares in All Dimensions or the chaotic, fragmentary poems I’ve shared here before. I actually wrote a poem for a friend who suffered a recent tragedy just last night, but since I’m waiting to share it with her until she’s in a better place, it doesn’t seem right to share here just yet. 

I’ve been meaning to get back to finishing Lemon Squares in All Dimensions, which still has a ways to go, even with what I accomplished during NaNoWriMo. Most of the major scenes are there, but they’re missing the connective tissue necessary to hold them together. I’ve been putting off filling in the gaps because what I really need to do is read through the whole thing and find out which parts, exactly, I need to go back and add in, and I’m kind of dreading having to confront my own writing. I’m worried I’m going to get too caught up in that to actually complete a draft before going in for a more thorough edit, but we’ll see. 

As for this blog-- I’ll try to update more, but who knows. I at least want to get back in the habit of sharing quotes that I like from whatever I’m reading-- if nothing else, I like having a little virtual archive for myself-- and I’ve been in a more poetic mood lately, so I might share some smaller things here and there while I put off dealing with Lemon Squares in All Dimensions.