#I really like humans are space orcs

[cassandraxiv]

"You're welcoming us with open arms!? After all that we did to our own planet, you'd still welcome us into galactic society!?"

"You were a different people then. Just the fact that you realize this shows how much humanity has matured as a species."

"We nuked ourselves! We irradiated our planet, blotted out the sun and nearly wiped ourselves out!"

"Everyone does. It's a rite of passage..."

[stubz]

Storyteller

"Hello Max, I'm here to surprise Pollix with a early pick up."

"Oh how nice, although I don't know if he'll want to go right now."

"Why not? Is he in the middle of a game?"

"No, its story time."

The tighalax smirks. "You really think he won't want to come because of 'story time'?" he laughs.

"Just look and see." the human smiles.

The teacher leads the giant feline being through the child centre to a corner where a colorful and beautiful plush carpet lays on the floor. Not that you could see it as it was covered by sitting younglings. All entranced by the human standing before them telling them a story rather animatedly and loudly.

"Pollix, lets go." calls Dux, looking at his cub.

Not even a glance.

"Pollix."

An ear twitch but still no look.

"...Pollix!"

The whole class looks including Kim.

"Oh, Pollix, your dad is here."

"Papa, not yet! The story isn't done." whines the cub.

"...you want to finish the story?"

"Pollix wants to finish the story! Jax and Morgana are fighting the monster now!" cries Nova.

"...is it almost over?"

"Oh, um, almost but, Pollix I can tell you the rest tomorrow-"

"My Papa says its okay!" Pollix cries interrupting Kim

"...is it okay if I...?" trails a very embarrassed Kim.

The tighalax nods and actually goes to sit next his cub. The sight making Max snort as the 8 foot tall feline like being towers over the younglings. After he settles in and Pollix snuggles in on his Papa's lap he gives Kim the okay to continue.

"...story teacher!" whines the children, their teacher taking too long for their liking to continue the story.

"Oh...right...okay then." she mutters, face red from nerves and embarrassment. This was the first time a parent saw her tell a story.

"...the monster roared at our heroes, swinging his mighty axe down at them. Flung into the air our hero, Jax, is grabbed by the giant's fist and thrown into the monster's mouth." The cubs gasp as the human acts out the catching their hero. Her voice slowly getting louder again.

"NO!"

"What does Morgana do?!"

"Is he dead?!"

"Morgana, seeing that the villain ate her friend charges at him as soon as she lands. Her sword drawn and ready, her face angry, eyes full of tears, and with a mighty cry leaps at the giant." She begins to act out the story, going back to her story telling enthusiasm.

"The monster in turn swings his axe at her, with her in the air it will definitely hit her. The axe hits Morgana and she falls to the ground badly hurt...but not without killing the beast. At the last moment she gathers all her magic into her sword and throws it at the giant monster, piercing his evil heart!" cries Kim, thrusting her hand out as if she had just thrown the very sword.

"...and then..." whispers Nova.

"The monster fades away, revealing a hurt but alive Jax. Seeing Morgana he drags himself to her and they hug, happy to see each other again. Even if they're both not in one piece. The healers arrive and the two head home where they continue the rest of their adventure together, as they were always meant to be. The end."

The cubs cheer with most asking for another story.

"No, no more stories for today. Let's give Kim a break, okay, she's already told you 4 stories." Max ushers the kids towards the toys.

"That was a very good tale teacher Kim, I never knew Earth had such interesting history."

"Hmm? Oh that wasn't our history."

"A legend or folktale then?"

"No, just a made up story."

"Ah, could you tell me the name of it? I would like to read it to Pollix at home, it sounded very interesting."

"Oh uh, I actually just made it up." the human smiles.

"You made it up!? How long ago? Must have taken you ages." Praised Dux, tail flicking in excitement.

"Actually I just made it up now, I make the story up as I go."

"...you make it up as you go...y'know that offer to quit your job and join my pack still stands right? Our planet and culture greatly value Storytellers such as yourselves, you could even make a great living if you worked for me."

"Thanks but I don't think I could ever do that, I hate public speaking!" grins the human.

"...but you just-"

"Children are the exception."

[ruinatlantis]

Honestly, thank god for the tumblr version of humans are weird/space orcs/whatever. I love the stories I read on here about discovery and interaction between different species and how cool space is. Every time I try to go to reddit (into the r/HFY one, which is supposed to be the same thing), all I get usually is stories of human's deadly military in space.

[thenixkat]

Broke: Humans are space orcs

Bespoke: Humans are space raccoons

[Note: If yer reblogging this post b/c you enjoy the shit-tastic white-flavored built-on human exceptionalism trope of 'humans are space orcs' this post is not for you. I am always deriding you people. The 'raccoon' part of my joke is that humans are a rather average and not special at all middle-tier organism with one or two things going for it.]

[theology101]

A Simple Financial Decision HFY - 1/3

Aboard the Command Ship Mother of Invention

>>> FTL JUMP SUCCESS

>>> BEGINNING SYSTEM SURVEY

>>> ERROR; INTERFERENCE

>>> ANALYZING INTERFERENCE

>>> CHEMICAL AND FISSION EMISSIONS DETECTED

>>> ERROR. PARAMETER ‘uninhabited’ NOT MET

Junior Commander Wa’l Hildnid was not having a good first night on duty. Despite serving on the bridge crew several times, tonight - or what passed for it in the carefully controlled light system meant to match their circadian rhythm - was the first night that Hildnid had command of the bridge. Which of course meant that the first (and hopefully only) unexpected problem came up on his shift. Although perhaps the Celestials were playing a joke on him - after all, the fierce and ruthless Foreman Wa’l Sonogth in charge of this operation, was his uncle. 

After a firm rapt on the door and announcing his presence, the door was opened from the other side. Already - or perhaps still - awake, he was hunched over with one of his three eye stalks on a different display. “Report,” he said simply.

“Capt-“ He cringed, reminding himself he was no longer in the Navy, “Master Foreman, - one of our long range probes has encountered an error.”

The question hung for a moment - Sonogth turned one eye towards his nephew. “And?” he asked dryly.

“Oh! Apologies uncl- sir. The system-“

“Which system, Junior Captain?” Foreman Sonogth interrupted, crossing his bulky arms over his chest and foremen’s pin. “Our charter is to strip mine any system within a hundred square parsec region. So far, we have sent out four hundred drones and most have already reached their secondary target.”

“Of course, sir, sorry sir.” 

“Make sure it doesn’t happen again - which system?”

Grimacing at failing to answer with his apology, Hildnid was pleased the correct screen was ready. “The star has been codenamed as ZN0-52081, sir, and the error was unexpected life form contact.” Songoth’s eyestalk returned to its central monitor at that.

“Two ice giants and gas giants, an asteroid belt, a habitable planet, and a deathworld, on top of a few dozen barren moons…” his uncle thought aloud, his voice sonorous as he dropped into a contemplative tone. “Too remote for pirates, too much work for colonizers, and not near anyone who could’ve taken it…” 

The eyestalk came back up. “Were the life signature Bioforms?”

“No, no sir.” He knew that one, at the very least. There were several ways to tell if one of the Old One’s children was lurking, and none had been present. “What little evidence we have at the moment suggests the usage of traditional, albeit old, spacecraft. No psionic resonance or evidence of interstellar gas manipulation.”

The eyestalk bobbed a nod. “Good, at least we won’t need to deal with any damned Citay.” Wa’l Sonogth sighed, leaning back in his chair and finally turning all three of his eyes to his nephew. “They’re either smugglers or political dissidents illegally occupying our territory. If it’s smugglers, we can pay them off and give them one of our empty systems, if they’re rebellious colonists…”

Wa’l Hildnid swallowed so hard that it seemed to travel through his neck and into his shoulders and chest. 

At that, his uncle laughed. “Don’t get squeamish on me, boy! Your mother told me about what a brave military man you are, don’t tell me you never killed before?” The black of his sclera seemed to grow even darker, “if it’s easier on your soul, I’ll make it an order. It’s a simple financial decision.” 

“Yes, Master Foreman.”

“Good. Send the probe to its next target, and…” The left eye moved back towards its screen, “order ED-3 to move in. Clan Gis also were a gang of firebreathers…”

“If that will be all, sir?”

“That will be all”

Aboard Mining Ship Salinonk

Captain Ghis Halnfur was looking forward to an extremely profitable day. 

In charge of “ED-3” - Excavation and Demolitions Team 3 - and the seven ships that made up that command. Two of them were traditional deep space mining ships, barely a hundred meters long, three more were of the wide bowed transport ships that would carry full loads for processing, two hundred and twenty meters long and capable of safely transporting its precious cargo without additional protection. And of course, his flagship, half again the size of the transports and the most heavily armed, was to act as the command and operations hub for the mining operation, as well as transporting any workers or engineers to ground-based projects - in this case, a legion of Galfrei-class combat units and a platoon of enhanced mining equipment retrofitted into combat-ready suits. And of course, the final ship, and Halnfur’s personal addition to ED-3 - the screening ship.

Taken from his days in the Navy, the idea of point defense protection against fightercrafts and gunships would also work when it came to asteroid mining. Halnfur himself captained the first one deployed, and saw to his immense delight that it could cut through those asteroid fields like air… it simply made it harder to collect them afterward - so instead his poor Lii’lya had been reduced to operations like this, where collateral damage was expected. 

Blinking out the white that always came from leaving faster than light, he kept his eyes on the stellar horizon while his communications officer began a survey. “Near distance, clear. Middle distance, clear. Far distance… occupied.”

“Occupied?” Ghis Halnfur’s second in command, Ak’no Jel, asked as he moved to take a better look at the display.

“Yes ma’am,” comms responded. “By… a battle, it looks like,” she paused, another bright flash of light from the viewport, this time significantly smaller and at range. “Yes, it’s a battle, ma’am. The fission signature we just picked up was equivalent to one of our class-4 explosives.”

“Who’s fighting?” Halnfur felt obligated to ask, if no one else would.

“It’s hard to tell from this range, sir, but I’m seeing two distinct ship design styles, maybe three.”

“Are you ready to go in, Captain?” Jel asked, back behind his command chair.

He surveyed the scene for a moment longer, tapping his chin dramatically. “Yes… I believe we shall. Navigations, plot me a skip-jump, pull back a hundred fifty kilometers from the plotted edge of the battle. I want them to know we’re there, but don’t fire yet.” He’d never believed Sonogth’s predictions - and he knew who was behind this whole damn thing - the Citayans. If he could get proof, solid evidentiary proof, that they had not only moved into the Celestia Republica Castelleum, and that they fired first, it would be the airtight justification they needed to finally wipe the Citayans off the galactic map, then their unevolved Citay vermin, and then all the other Bioforms. At least the Citayans didn’t use bloody animals for space-craft.

The flash was proportionally weaker this time - but the battle was not what he expected.

Aboard the War Ship Antioch

Aleksandrya Sokolov-Meyer of the United Nations of Terra and Venus Navy, and captain of the Zeus-class Antioch, was having a terrible day. “Status!” she barked, leaning over the massive command table and wincing at each new red mark on her ships. And they weren’t even supposed to be her ships! “I need those torpedo tubes unjammed!” she yelled to no one in particular.

“Torpedos still down, ma’am, repairs underway!”

“Rio’s Pride is requesting additional firing support!”

“Acknowledged, patch me over to the captain.” It wasn’t looking good for Rio’s Pride. The only destroyer she still had on her left flank, Rio was built for capital ship combat, and the swarm of Jovian Stinger and Biter drones that had just polished off her support ship. “Captain Holt,” Meyer said when she saw a flicker in her periphery. 

“Damn, Meyer, its a bloody mess that Gilly left us, isn’t it?” Despite herself, she let out a low chuckle, glancing up through the loose strands of red hair to look at her friend’s face on the screen. He wasn’t looking good, behind him the devastation of his ship was obvious, lights flickering and a disturbingly loud shudder. She was tempted to pretend that this was a simulation again, that this wasn’t real and she had enough time for a clever comeback.

But it was real this time. And with the death of Commodore Gilroy Faux and High Captain Tsoss, Aleksandrya was in command.

And she was about to kill a friend.

“Holt, we can’t send anyone to rescue you,” she said solemnly, turning back to her display and drawing her intentions. “If you yaw fifty degrees starboard and a few clicks further out-“

“I can hit the damn nest.”

“We’ll cover you for as long as we can.”

“Yes ma’am, over and out.” And just like that, exposing itself to more fire and making the battered destroyer even more of a target, Rio’s Pride followed orders. The swarm of drones saw that and gave chase, their hive programming convincing their fellows of better prey than the main battle group. No doubt some kid would notice and correct the mistake eventually, but it wouldn’t be immediate and every second counted.

“Comms Officer Henri, order picket group one to chase those fuckers, then patch me into the rest of the fleet.” The situation had already changed radically from the last time she checked - the enemy formation, surrounding them in a rough U, had begun to collapse inward on the port side as they moved in for the kill, while the automated Jovian ships - primarily their smaller ships though there were two cruisers in there. The Caliphate of Mars was stubbornly holding the rear line as a firing position, uncharacteristically cautious - especially compared to the Jovian Brillenschlangen, of all people - and the ship they were chasing, the only damn reason they were here, the Samel-Class Man of War Big Tex which should’ve been on death’s door, had yet to make an appearance. The only benefit to the situation was that another Jovian carrier had gotten speared through by a CAT-7 coilgun.

Again, the flicker in her periphery, again she began to speak. “Tighten up, those drones are going brainless in a few minutes and I don’t want any of them flying blind in between my ships, you hear? Good - keep your CAT-1s well-oiled, I want you all to coordinate on deflecting incoming projectiles” She glanced up, looking at the faces on her screen. Only thirty-three of the seventy-four ships that came out to Jupiter were still active, and soon it would be thirty-two. “Let’s see Rio be proud one last time and on my mark, I want complete offensive saturation on these targets,” Meyer selected them on her display for them.

Holt’s face popped up, his ship even more damaged with only the emergency lights active and a nasty gash on the side of Holt’s face. Meyer wondered how he got it - she figured that she’d never know. “On your orders, Admiral.”

Despite herself, she smirked. If she could manage to salvage this… but now was not the time to think of her career. Not when she was staring at the one who would give it to her. “Give ‘em hell.” And with a triumphant final firing of its massive primary canon, Rio’s Pride unleashed a two-hundred-ton rod of tungsten-depleted uranium alloy shell at a low, but not insignificant, percentage of the speed of light. The Nest - the hangar and control point for all the drones in the ether - was there one moment. The next, there was a blinding streak of white-yellow fire cutting straight through the thing, and then it began a cascade of errors as things meant to be held securely were suddenly and violently released.

Even knowing it was coming, she braced herself for the violent jerk of the main cannon. “Fire!” a second streak of light emerged, then another and another as dozens of missiles and high-category coil guns were launched at once - not targetting the battleships closest to them, but the undamaged secondary line. Expecting the luxury of a near-endless supply of drones the Jovians had programmed to make suicide rushes to intercept traditional and nuclear ordinance, the Martians were caught off guard by this sudden weakness in their defenses. Already, Aleksandrya could see their CAT-1s and teslogats ready for dealing with this, but not all at once and not nearly fast enough. And every second mattered.

And then, emerging off her starboard side, was a fleet of seven, massive ships. She had a moment of absolute shock and surprise. What? How did they move like that? But that quickly faded when the lead ship, a massive thing as long as her Zeus but much, much larger and heavier, rammed directly into Rio’s Pride.

Aboard Mining Ship Salinonk

“Blasted!” Captain Ghis Halnfur shouted, standing to his full two-meter height, his eyestalks pulled in tight to the skull. “Jel, I want to know what the hell is going on, Comms, tell the flotilla to open fire.”

“Captain-“ 

“They set a trap for us, Jel. I don’t know how, but they knew we were there...”

“Captain…”

“A damn trap, and Sonogth sent us-“

“Captain!” Jel said it forcefully enough that others stared - only for a moment before they risked one of her eyestalks finding them. “None of those ships exist in our records.”

“What?”

“They’re unknown configuration,” Jel repeated.

“I know what unknown configuration means, commander, what I meant was-“ One of the five ships closest, and turned directly to face Halnfur’s force, exploded as a few shots lanced from one of his transports. And at that, he grinned. “Ah, nevermind. We seem more familiar with their configuration now. No shields? How did they even make it through FTL?”

The Captain and Commander watched the battle for a moment, before Halnfur finally sat down in his chair, watching as the ships - and there were indeed three distinct designs, began to create a new line of battle. Clearly, whatever battle they had been fighting seemed to be forgotten against a superior enemy. A feral smile colored his face before Jel said something that made his heart stop.

“What if this is their home system and we made first contact?”

Aboard the War Ship Antioch

“I don’t care what you say, but that arschloch on this line, now!” Aleksandrya looked up just in time to see another CAT-9 shot get mostly disintegrated before whatever melted slag could be reformed in the coldness of space. “Come on you martian bastard, come on…”

“I assure you, ma’am, that Jamil MacCready is not here!” High General Sakira Morrison of the Jovian Coalition said. At least the fotze had picked up, which was more than could be said for that Martian Coward. “But the Martian troops have been placed under my temporary command while they recieve humanitarian repairs, as-"

“Humanitarian? He’s a murderer!”

“As we were given the right to by treaty. It was your forces under Commodore Faux that an illegal-“

“Halst den Mund! - Euphrates, Flaming Sword,” the two captains flickered on screen and this time, she did look at them. One clearly favored more of the Arab side of the “TexArab” people of Mars, while the other was more ambiguous - both were men, and oh what she wouldn’t give to hear them complain about being subordinate to two women. “One of those energy balls is coming at you both, nadir-starboard. I want to see how big of a coil shot it takes to defuse. General Morrison, are your crews in formation ready for a massed volley?”

“The battleships, yes, but it’ll take the drones-“

“Comms, patch me into all ships,” Aleksandrya said with certainty she didn’t have. Removing her officer’s cap to fix her hair, she instead tossed the damn thing away, pulled out her pins, and shook out her hair. If she was gonna die fighting an unknown evil from beyond God knows what, she wasn’t going to do it by regulation. “This is acting Admiral Aleksandrya Solokov-Meyer of the Antioch - on my first mark, coordinate Coil fire onto this target,” she tapped it on her display, “Upon my second mark, fire traditional ordinance - third fire nuclear. Ready… mark.”

There was the familiar lunge backward as the gun fired, joined in a loose arrowhead formation with the broken hulk of the Nest acting as their anchoring point. While not all ships could fire given the angle, the effect was all that she could’ve hoped for. As the first rounds made contact, they began to superheat, melt, and vaporize as before… but then the second, third, and fourth were all landing in the same spot too. And then, that etheric blue bubble that surrounded those ships began to bend inwards with a burning red fury… until it couldn’t bend anymore. The rounds hadn’t even all made their target before she called “Mark!” 

This motion was more subdued, as the still working torpedo bays launched too - straight into the hole they had just created in the shield, and not just the shield - somehow in that stream of light, they’d cracked the hull. Meyer imagined that the follow up missiles didn’t do much for the ship’s internals either, and this wouldn’t be much better. “Mark!” The barrier was already starting to close up, the cruiser was still opening fire… and then the nuclear missiles got inside the ship. Several dozen missiles exploded on the exterior of the shield in massive shows of light, but the dozen or two that made it underneath the shields before detonating?

For a brief moment, Jupiter had its own sun. And then the shield burst like an overfilled balloon.

“I want confirmation the second your guns are ready for another volley, we’re hitting him next.” She looked back at her display of Captains… having more faces with proportionally even more empty spots didn’t thrill her, but she knew the bastards could die. And that was good enough. “High General, I want an update on those drones, and for the love of God, someone get Jamil MacCready - or at least his ship!”

Aboard Mining Ship Salinonk

His flotilla was sent to pacify the whole system, Ghis Halfnur thought ruefully as he watched his last transport ship get destroyed. It was just him and the Screener left. “Jel?”

The woman had been trying to help coordinate fire with the weapon’s commander but came at his command. “Captain?”

“We never managed to do our full recon,” he said moreosely. It was his own fault, his own overconfidence. Removing his captain’s lapel from his uniform, he handed it to Jel. “Take one of our shuttles, take as much non essential personnel as possible, and then complete a survey of this system before reporting to your commanding officer.”

“Sir- that’s-“

“Foreman Wa’l Sonogth will want to know about this. And if you’re right about this being their native system…” Halfnur shook his head. They were doomed. No way about it now. Even if he could still win this fight - and given the numbers against him, he didn’t like those odds - as the commander on the scene who had belligerently initiated contact with a pre-uplift species, his life was forfeit. The Celestial Tribunal would ring him dry, probably most of his crew and commanding officer. “In your logs, write how you argued against my course of action, and wanted to file a report to the Castelleum and I countermanded you. Now go!”

Always a good sailor, Ak’no Jel did as she was told. He had confirmation that she and the evacuees made it on the ship, and waited another five minutes to make sure they were gone before he gave what would be his last, most bitter order. “We’re going in.”

Aboard the War Ship Antioch

The battlecruiser and spindly ships were the only two left - and for a moment, Aleksandrya had thought she had won. Or at the very least, was winning. For that act of pride, God decided that the placid, so far only supporting ships with its long-range fire. That seemed to be over now, now it was going to be a broadside. 

“Admira Meyer, the drones are online,” a both familiar and unfamiliar voice said over comms, the signal shakey and broken. 

“I want them running picket, sofort! If any fucking plasma gets through, it’s your ass!” Meyer was already turning to the weapons board, seeing that it was only at 90% charge… and the battlecruiser was getting closer with only missiles harmlessly bouncing off to show for it. But her secondary weapons… “Lower caliber until your main gun is fully charged, he’s not getting an inch without steel,” she ended that call, already having Comms initiating her second, “Admiral Meyer, do you read me Virgo I?”

“Loud and clear ma’am,” the voice sounded winded on the other side, the tight confines of a cockpit not allowing a view. “What can me and my jockeys do for you today?”

“That smaller ship, I want you to poke at it. Bring two squadrons with you…” she paused, thinking. With only teslogats and missiles, the hundreds of fighters wouldn’t do anything to the big ship. Short of just ramming it, she couldn’t see what the rest of the fighters would be doing. “Take as many as want to come.”

“Yes ma’am - think your Comms get can get me over to their jockeys?”

“She’s already on it - Henriette is very skilled.”

“Why thank you, Commander Henriette, over and out!” 

Meyer looked back at the display of the field - already she was down two of her bigger ships (a part of her wanted to add ‘thankfully, Martians’ but she restrained herself) and a dozen smaller ones. And her firing predictions still had it a click out from its maximum range. If those drones didn’t show up -

“Fighters pull back! Repeat, pull back!” It was a laser show over there. While having never taken a shot at any other vessels so far, it became abundantly clear why - it didn't have the range. The powerful plasma jets burned through any fighter unfortunate enough to get too close. “General, where are my drones? Fuck it, drones, this is your new primary target. Are all cannons ready? Good, on my mark - mark!”

Only this time, this time the brilliant display of light didn’t end with a hole. When the light cleared, it was the imposing blue of the shield bursting out through the debris cloud with only a few minor red spots, its impish friend chasing after her fighters untouched. “Prepare a second volley! Reroute power, shut down gravity for all I care, just get those damn guns ready or we’re all dead!”

“Don’t be so certain of it, Admiral,” the same voice from before, only far, far clearer now. And without the static and fuzz… she knew that voice. Thousands of drone ships came rushing by the viewport, creating a cloud of grey and blinking lights that covered the horizon before passing. “I apologize for arriving late but, my father always did teach me ladies first.”

“MacCready,” she snarled under her breath.

“Ah, so you remember me? As you can tell, my ship doesn’t remember either of ours from our most recent or first dance.” 

“Ma’am, a new signature just appeared as… leaving Jupiter’s upper atmosphere,” Henriette said hesitantly. “Samael-Class, and moving quickly. Designation-“

“Big Tex.”

“If you hadn’t done such a wonderful job damaging her, I might’ve been able to help from the beginning,” the man’s cocky voice echoed in the bridge speakers, Meyer’s face turning as red as her hair as his ship quickly advanced towards the enemy. She was going to kill that man. For his crimes, for the Moscow and her old crew, and for stealing her fucking victory! Already, she was watching as the drones broke against the enemy ship like the sea, dozens dying but always being just a few too many to get them all. And the shield was turning red. “Ganymede Spaceworks also added something new, I was hoping to surprise you at our next dance but… well, a Prince must make sacrifices for the good of the people, even if it scorns his lady love.”

All it took was a glance, and Henriette had cut off his comm. “Fucking prick,” she added for good measure.

Drifting into formation above the battered and broken Hive was a Samael-Class Man Of War. Over a kilometer long and with more than enough firepower to match three Zeus classes, the massive primary gun was its primary characteristic… only now it was even more massive, with two isosceles triangles coming from what should’ve been the barrel. And then, in a single shot, a massive round moved in an instant - she barely had time to see it before it had punched straight through the shield, the ship, and then out the other side of the shield. 

Not wanting him to get the last laugh, “Main gun on the spindly.”

“Yes ma’am.”

A rod of Tungsten later and Aleksandrya was mollified enough to call her query. The man she and all of Task Force Chancellor had been sent to capture in the first fucking place. “Jamil MacCready.”

“It’s customary to use my title when greeting me.”

“What was that?”

“Ah, you like my new tachyon-enhanced coilgun? It’s brand new! Honestly worked better then I could’ve-“ Aleksandrya ended the call herself. 

“Helm, take us to Venus Blue Dock. We’re going home.” To fix my ship, reconstitute my numbers, and figure out what the hell we’re going to do next. 

[ishipgenfics]

You and Your Human: Part 1

You are small. You have tall ears and a long tail you use for balance and to carry things. You are covered in orange-yellow fur. Standing on two legs, you are about three feet tall, but you do not usually stand on two legs. Your front legs have opposable thumbs. Your language is a series of chirps and squeaks.

You are very, very smart. You were a member of your species first space venture. You were sent as a doctor. In the years since, you have worked on nearly twenty different ships. You discovered you have a natural knack for languages. You know everything you would ever need to know.

But... you do not understand humans.

You have heard the stories, of course. Humans are very new to the galaxy, even newer than you, and they are feared. They are strong, able to take levels of pain that would kill even a Xephala. They choose the things they care about, and will destroy anything else without hesitation. They are unaffected by mental tortures, seeming to suppress memories that would make any other species break. They are deadly, and to be avoided at all costs.

But personally, you don't really see it. Your human is bigger than you, of course, but you know that you are small. It rips fabric easily, but it as gentle with you as a Kaysbury beetle. Terror flashed in its eyes when you tried to give it a medical examination. It shrieked like a nestling when it accidentantly cut itself on a bolt.

For Saint's sake, this thing can't even handle spice! How could this possibly be a threat?

You cannot speak with your human. Though you know many languages, you do not know the one it speaks. You are trying to learn. You have never yet found a language you could not master. Until then, you find other ways to understand him.

Your human is tall, obviously compared to you, but even compared to the pictures of other humans you have seen in books. It is good at projecting a confident aura, but it has tells. Its hands shake, just a little, when it is in an enclosed space. It clenches its paws when a Cervilian comes on screen. And it hates medical equipment. Its breathing speeds up noticeably when it is forced to be near such.

You record all your observations with a keen eye and a yellow notepad, and adjust your behavior accordingly.

Although your human seems uncomfortable around others, you need your crew back. This flight was supposed to be a test drive, trying out some of their duties in the new vehicle. You got distracted by your human, but the deadline is swiftly approaching. They will assume you dead if you do not return soon.

Your human is sleeping. You do not know if it has gone at light-speed before, and you do not have the words to explain. You hope it will not awaken.

You hop up into your captain's chair. It was made for a creature taller than you, but it will serve. You tap the appropriate command and passcode into the panel at your side. It glows and hums in acknowledgement. Your human has never been here. It does not like bright lights. You will have to ask Meritha if she can adjust it once you get back.

To your relief, the light-travel goes off without a hitch. It's always a dangerous procedure, no matter how many pamphlets they pass out, and you know it. You also know you aren't the best pilot in your crew. The only reason you were sent was for your diplomacy. You might not make it back, but at least you won't start a war.

You knock on your human's door and it emits a low beeping frequency until your human wakes up. Its lips are pointed downward and it is slumping. Your human dislikes being woken up.

"Thing? What-is?" your human says in your language. You shake your head (means negative, negate action). You know its language better than it knows yours, and you already have to translate for your crew. You have explained countless times that it is simply easier for you to learn rather than it, but your human is persistent. It is... endearing. In its way.

"New place," you explain. "New people. You okay?"

"Why?" your human answers. It looks uncertain. You jump up onto its shoulder and run dexterous fingers through its hair. Your human likes touch.

"Ship," you hesitate. "More safe with them. Them here, than you safer. Us safer."

"They are good?" your human asks. Its voice is low. It is being vulnerable, showing its emotions. You are so proud.

You nod. Your tail is swaying, your eyes are bright, your ears tall. It's honestly a little embarrassing-- you are glad your human can't read Pyrican body language. "Good. Safe."

You land upon the planet, your human by your side. It is wrapped up in tight clothes and a mask. It did not fight this, although you did not have the words to explain why. Your human never seemed to need the explanation that being a human was a dangerous thing in this galaxy. It knew.

Your crew is not here. This is the meeting spot. You checked, and double checked. It is in an isolated location, but with a mountain to serve as an easy sign if you land in the wrong place. This is the right spot. And you are here and they are not.

They... left you.

You have left ships before, of course. When you would get a new assignment, if you saw a better opportunity, if they did something you could not tolerate, if they asked you to do things you were unable to do. You are not a criminal, but you are a freelancer, which means you have run in the same vein as criminals before. Every time you left, it was professional and communicated clearly. If a fight broke out after that, well, that wasn't really your fault now was it?

You have never been left like this. You did not realize quite how much it would hurt.

You feel a gentle tap on one of your front legs, and turn around to see it is your human. It is bent down, with an expression you do not quite recognize on its face. "You-safe?" it asks. "Body tesned. Mind tensed. Me worried you?"

You are too tired to tell it to speak its native language, to not bother itself for you. You are one of the few species that can safely produce adrenaline, and although it doesn't make you a saints-damned killing machine like it does with humans, the crash is just as bad.

"Expected outcome not," you try to explain. Your small body shakes with heavy breathing. Light-travel is stressful and adrenaline is a void of a drug. "Crew should be here. Crew not here. Alone."

Your human wraps you up in a gentle embrace. You feel certain that if it just squeezed a little tighter, it could pop you like a balloon, but it does not. "I am here."

Whimpering and snuffling, you bury your face into your human and let yourself cry.

[jestiamy]

I like mentally equating haircutting in humans are space orcs aus to those hoof maintenance/horn trimming videos that get like. at least ten comments each time going "???? so are we going to ignore the literal animal torture happening here??"

[faytelumos]

Into the Black With a Matchstick, pt2

@those-damn-snippets @thepotatoofnopes @robin-parravel @invader-mint-tea

cw: drug use (barely described)

previous

---

It wasn't waking up from cryo that had Doctor Adina Ramirez clutching a sick bag for dear life. The massive headache that came from being a freeze-dried raisin person and the feverish, wholistic hunger were nausea-inducing, of course, but her stomach was stronger than that. It wasn't even the ship's interface blandly informing her that there was an intelligent, non-human body attempting to establish a communications line. Even walking up to the console and seeing that the four biologists (including both astrobiologists) who had failed to wake up before her hadn't quite been enough to bring her to her knees with a sudden cold-sweat.

It was the mission clock.

26,008,372 years, 217 days, 8 hours, 36 minutes

She had checked four times to make sure that was million, and not thousand. Maybe if it was thousand, she wouldn't have needed the bag.

Doctor Johnathan Harrison sat at the table with his hands buried in his hair, leaning forward on his elbows, the rehydration pouch sitting in front of him. He hadn't punctured it yet. Adina had unfortunately almost finished hers.

The agreement had been that if and when space travel technology advanced, a crew would catch up to The Solstice and update everything. Maybe even wake the crew and check up on everyone. But almost fifty times the length of recorded human history had passed between the launch and this wake-up call.

Humanity was dead. Even if the sun was still alive (she thought it should be), there was simply no way that humans still existed on that planet. Just as terrifying, perhaps humanity had completely collapsed back to the stone age and rebuilt from scratch, hitting a second space age and setting off into the sky without any kind of record of The Solstice to recover.

She wretched again.

"You're gonna make me sick," John whispered shakily.

Adina coughed and spat, then wiped her face and pulled the bag away with trembling hands. She closed it off and carefully placed it in the receptacle.

"Okay," Adina breathed, though her voice was scratchy and uneven. "Aliens. We have to talk to the aliens." John laughed, suddenly and unsteadily.

"Welcome back to the land of the living!" he joked, "Your entire planet is probably dead and there's a real alien ship knocking on the door — have a Slurpee!" Adina laughed, too, even though it made her head scream and her guts ache harder than ever.

John got to work setting up the channel. The frequency the aliens were using was unorthodox, but easy to replicate. But Adina felt like the entire ship was spinning like a top, her badly dehydrated and starving body wobbling all around her. God knew how much more time the aliens were going to give them to talk — for all she knew, the initial message was, "You're trespassing, respond immediately or we'll turn you into space dust."

And then the computer had asked for a confirmation, then proceeded to wake up five pods in careful succession, then handed out a lunch pack, and then finally informed Adina that there had been a message.

"I can't do this, I'm gonna pass out," Adina breathed. Holy shit, she felt like human garbage. The word "dizzy" came nowhere near this sensation. John watched Adina with bloodshot eyes and shaking fingers.

"I, I know of something that'll help."

It took ages, but they finally ended up in the medbay, and John pulled a small bottle out of a hiding spot so out-of-the-way there was no way in hell he hadn't been the one to stash it there.

"Doctor Harrison?" Adina said cautiously as John found a syringe. "Did you smuggle drugs onto an international, interstellar spaceship?" John looked at her like he was confused, eyes wide and lips parted as he held his items. He blinked once, and for a moment he looked every bit like a kid caught breaking the rules red-handed.

"It's a performance enhancer."

---

The aliens looked like exactly what would happen if a lion and a hyena had a baby and it came out a dinosaur.

There was no sense of size with the video feed, but she could tell by their eyes that they were huge. Her guess was a meter and a half at the head, which was well bigger than both Earthly carnivores. The scales on their bodies were thick and healthy, with Paxie's being a glimmering maroon and the other's some kind of iridescent purple-green. Both monsters had jaws that were definitely designed to crush sturdy bones, but Paxie was bigger and had longer teeth. The other one's shoulder spikes were thicker, and its head was more aerodynamic.

These drugs were something else. Adina almost couldn't feel her body right now, which was exactly what she needed. Her brain was running on overdrive and she could feel it, but she was keeping pace like a thoroughbred. These aliens were large carnivores with adaptations for high levels of sunlight, dry air, blunt force trauma, fast-moving targets, and strong prey. Something like this and smart enough to have an instant universal translator could do whatever the hell it wanted with The Solstice and still have time for lunch afterwards.

God, Adina was starving.

"Captain Ramirez, Lieutenant Harrison, please excuse us," Paxie choked before turning off the translator. The other one said something in their unfiltered language.

"What do we do?" John whispered.

"They're trying to be friendly," Adina uttered. "Hopefully they mean it."

"Are we betting the last members of humanity on that thing's friendliness?" John said.

Adina watched Paxie. Their appearance set off alarm bells all across Adina's brain. But she couldn't tell how much was basic instinct and how much was logical caution. And if she was being honest with herself, she'd probably never in her life been this mentally compromised. High on some weird stimulant and staring an honest-to-God intelligent alien in the face while the death of her entire species was pounding on the walls, she knew if there was another choice in leadership, she'd have to tap out immediately.

But she was the first biologist lucky enough to wake up, and she'd finished her thesis a year before John.

"We don't have a choice," she breathed shakily, trying to school her expression. She was the leader of the human species right now.

She was not ready for this.

"No matter what happens, we're at these people's mercy," she whispered. "The best we can do is appease them until we get our bearings." John sighed raggedly, and Adina could see from the corner of her eye that his hands were shaking badly again. Hers probably were, too. She couldn't look at them. She just kept watching Paxie, because she was in charge now, and everything she had ever known depended on her getting everyone through this alive.

---

Paxie tried to keep their breathing even as the shuttle hissed and trundled towards the alien ship. Both sides had agreed that there was no need for the ancient ship to adjust its course; the Xoixe vessel could adjust and keep pace with it without any trouble. Paxie thought it a clever enough resolution, since the composition of the ancient ship's fuel was so foreign it wasn't yet clear if anyone could make more.

Paxie wasn't scared. Of course not. These creatures, unnerving as they were, posed no threat. They were small and their machinery, upon closer inspection, was in a bad way. And it was no wonder, with how long they'd been adrift and asleep. But Paxie would be lying outright if they said they weren't intimidated by the task of assimilating these things. Of course it would turn out that when they finally got a chance to make first contact, they got the most unusual creatures in the universe. It was just their luck.

The boarding party was comprised of three individuals. Paxie had flexed their authority to afford themself a seat with only a hint of shame. The second person was another Xoixe, Ensign Kime, a xenomedic. The third individual was the most important of the group.

Sergeant Klte was a Qomo, one of the smaller species in the Xoixe's catalog of allies. Given the delicate and relatively defenseless physiology of the new aliens, Paxie had determined that Klte would be the best received as the face of the alliance. Klte, like all of its kind, stood on four thin legs, each ended with three hooked claws. It rose up on an elegant, slim torso, four thin arms with four claws each sprouting from reedy shoulders. Its head was sleek and mostly featureless, its face consisting only of a thin, lipless line for a mouth and a pair of large, black eyes. The pale skin that looked much softer than it felt completed the look of a spindly, almost harmless individual.

Paxie was quite proud of themself. Klte was downright cute, and the aliens would surely warm up to its lanky and pale appearance. Especially since the two species shared compatible atmospheric needs.

The boarding ship rotated slightly and decelerated, then made a low-pitched rattle. The clamps were secured. A moment later, there was a brief, deep hiss, and the airlock doors unlocked and slid open.

Captain Ramirez and Lieutenant Harrison both stood in the hall, and they had to look up to meet Paxie's eyes. Paxie dipped their nose respectfully before speaking, and the translator repeated their words in a small speaker on the outside of their environment suit.

"May we come aboard?"

Ramirez and Harrison looked at Paxie and Kime with wide eyes. But when Harrison noticed Klte, they… flinched.

And then Ramirez gasped quietly.

Paxie glanced back at Klte, concern worrying at their stomach. Perhaps these weren't fear responses. As a prey species, these newcomers could have mannerisms a Xoixe simply didn't understand.

"Please, follow us," Ramirez said, and both of the small creatures turned and walked into the ship. Paxie was going to lead, but the tunnels in this vessel were… tight. Being a carrier, Paxie was about as big as Xoixes got, and they weren't confident in their ability to move around in such a claustrophobic space, especially with their full environment suit on. They turned to Klte.

"Go ahead; I might have trouble."

"Aye, sir," Klte hissed in its rasping voice. It clicked forward, and Paxie also allowed Kime to pass before finally stepping in and bringing up the rear.

Paxie couldn't see well over Kime's shoulders, but they heard the moment when Klte popped the seal on its helmet. Ramirez gasped again, something struck the metal floor, and Kime halted abruptly.

"What happened?" Paxie barked, perking their ears against the inside of the helmet.

"Nothing, we're all fine," Ramirez replied. Kime tried to look backwards, but there was no room in the tight hall. Paxie shifted, trying to get any kind of view, but their helmet just smacked against the cable routing in the top of the hall. They gritted their teeth.

"Admiral," Kime uttered, and she had turned off her translator. Paxie did the same.

"Yes?"

"I don't have a good understanding of their chemical biology yet, but these creatures are exhibiting signs of extreme stress."

Paxie watched Kime's back as they all clamored through the corridors. "You're my eyes, Ensign."

"Their muscles are tense, eye movement is rapid as far as I can tell, hypersensitivity to sound and visual input, and I may be detecting altered blood-flow."

Paxie held back a self-deprecating sigh. They had truly thought Klte's appearance would be soothing, but there must have been something about it that set off the new aliens. Paxie couldn't help but wonder what possible characteristic a Qomo had that was unsettling.

"We'll see if distance with Sergeant Klte will make a difference," Paxie said. "Hopefully our new friends will be comfortable enough joining us to tell us what's happening here."

---

next

[fivevotesdown]

"humans are space orcs" "humans are the most universal form of intelligent life" "humans will be known for their adaptability"

humans are the spiritualists actually. humans are the religious, striving to reach enlightenment in all things by any means necessary. humans are the mediums and the fortune-tellers and the soothsayers, humans look to the stars for meaning and understanding. humans search for purpose in a universe crafted of pure chaos, and they find it, or if they can't, they make their own.

humans are the chefs with their sleeves stained orange from spices and fragrant broths, humans take the strange and dangerous plants their world cruelly gives to them and makes foods so wonderful and beautiful and vast that worlds of flavor live within the very air around them. they heal the sick, they soothe the soul with hearty bowls warmed by fireside.

humans are the storytellers, the skalds and the bards and the men sat 'round campfires with guitars in the dark singing hymns to their lovers, odes to the clouds. they tell tales of heroes long past and dangers overcome, to prepare their children for the obstacles and remind them where they came from, to foster adventure and honor and courage.

humans are the wonder and the music and the salt and the sugar and the heart and the soul, they are the spice of the universe. if there is anyone out there to be found, and i hope that there will be, we will bring to them pastries and curries and hope and prayer and we will teach them to tell stories, and they will use our teaching to tell their own children of our kindness and our reverence, of our bravery and freedom, of our spirit, should we ever be allowed to meet them.

or so one can hope.

[maeamian]

tbqh it's weird as hell to me that there's this given understanding about fictional aliens that they'd be surprised or confused by adaptability, but like, as far as we know and understand that is a fundamental quality of life itself not life on earth. In order to become a spacefaring species any spacefaring alien would've had to survive whatever space threw at them for billions of years as well as whatever their planet in specific threw at them, even the 'good' planet we know about is pretty fucking hostile to life. It's just implausible to me that like, among all the possible sapient species we'd be unique or interesting for the level to which we have the ability to adapt to situations, something that any biological creature of any origin would also need to survive long enough as a species to figure out how space works.

[bedlamsbard]

starting to think MCU aliens who attack Earth are the equivalent of the guys on that one chart who think they can fight a bear and win

[betterbemeta]

I feel like we get "human raised by <aliens>" or "<alien> raised by humans", and sometimes "a human but like, from the LARP planet or something,"

but we almost never get "human who's just Like That."

I don't mean a quirky awkward turtle it's-an-autistic-person-but-we'll-never-say, I mean like,

everyone assumes they must have been raised by some obscure species, or come from some remote colony with exotic norms, and it just turns out they're weird. that's all.

[ghost-vessel]

So, if it is impossible to spin an object close to and at the speed of light because the power requirement becomes infinite, what will happen if we remove one of the limiting factors? If we put, let's say, a magnet in a perfect vacuum in zero-g, there will be nothing to stop it except walls in the enclosure. It should still move because of its and others' magnetic fields. After all, we already have Electromagnetic Railguns, and that is just "magnets make things go fast." Now, of course, if this does happen, the most likely thing to happen is that it would make a small gravity well, if one at all, and eventually be stopped by other magnetic fields as simply our wires would not be able to handle the number of pulses needed to make it go faster. But what if we make it spin in a circle. It would put less strain on every magnet, and what if we instead made the small object magnetic mettle and put it in the same environment as the last, but this time in a ring. It might just spin fast enough to make a gravity well (most likely crushing everything around it) and break the fabric of reality that would let faster-than-light travel between two points

[boredthoughts]

This is clever, Plus I learned something new today on what 'bear' country is.

(Also that's a lot of tags)

ok i just had a humans-are-space-orcs thought

i grew up in bear country. like, the “you can’t leave food in your car because the bears will break your car and eat it” kind of bear country. so up there people make sure to teach their kids how to avoid getting eaten by bears. and you know the number one thing you do to avoid encountering a bear in the first place?

you make sure it hears you coming

if you’re hiking with a friend, you talk loudly the whole time. if you don’t want to do that, or you’re alone, you wear bells or something else that makes noise. because bears aren’t stupid, they know humans are trouble, and they don’t wanna fuck with you any more than you wanna fuck with them

like. think about that. bears are walking tanks. they can cave in the door to a house or move around a 500 pound dumpster like its nothing. you can shoot a bear with a gun and not do much more than piss it off. a bear could absolutely pick off one lone human on a hike for a free meal. but bears never hunt humans, and they rarely attack humans

like imagine an alien visiting earth and their human friend hands them a bell and says “when we go through here we gotta make sure the local apex predators know exactly where we are at all times”

and they’re like “…oh, yes, of course. the other predators on earth must have learned that they can’t kill a human, and it’s better to avoid a fight if you can”

and the human says “no, if a bear attacked us we’d die”

and they’re like, wait, what?? you want to give our exact location to something that could easily kill us? do you have a death wish??? and their friend is like, no, look, bears don’t fuck with humans if they can help it

not because they can’t, but because they know better

[faytelumos]

Hi! I rediscovered your aliens find cryogen-frozen humans story, and i couldn’t help wonderingif you would ever do a part 3?

Here it is, after quite a long time! Hopefully I get part 4 out faster than this. 😅

Into the Black With a Matchstick, pts 1-2 recap

first previous

---

Previously, on Into the Black:

"This style and material composite isn't in our registry," Engineer Tinel declared. She looked up to Admiral Paxie. "We haven't met this species yet."

The first step was to send the Greeting Call. The way a society answered the Greeting Call was often the best way to determine if they were ready for First Contact.

"S-sir! We're being hailed!"

"Greetings. I am Admiral Uten Paxie of Arkinu. Our species is the Xoixe. It is a pleasure to meet a new race of intelligence."

"I am Captain Adina Ramirez of Earth, and this is Lieutenant Johnathan Harrison. We weren't expecting to meet intelligent life on our journey. Normally, we probably would have packed a few extra diplomats."

"Would you feel more comfortable if we contacted your diplomats?"

"Even if we could, our home planet is twelve lightyears away."

Captain Eme leaned his head close to Paxie's and uttered lowly: "They don't have any rings on their ship."

This ship had no rings or projection structures. They had just been puttering through the system on a barely active engine.

"How many generations have passed on your ship, Captain Ramirez?"

"None; everyone on this ship is in cryogenic stasis."

What in the name of Creation had caused a species to freeze all crew on a ship?

"What the fuck?" Eme breathed.

"Captain Ramierez, how long have you been traveling?"

26,008,372 years, 217 days, 8 hours, 36 minutes

The agreement had been that if and when Earth's space travel technology advanced, a crew would catch up to The Solstice and update everything. Maybe even wake the crew and check up on everyone. But almost fifty times the length of recorded human history had passed between the launch and this wake-up call.

Humanity was dead.

"I can't do this," Adina breathed, hunched over the cantina table and the regurgitated remains of her hydration pack, "I'm gonna pass out."

"I, I know of something that'll help," John rasped.

"Doctor Harrison, did you smuggle drugs onto an international, interstellar space ship?"

The aliens looked exactly like what would happen if a lion and a hyena had a baby and it came out a dinosaur.

"Are we betting the last members of humanity on that thing's friendliness?" John asked.

"No matter what happens, we're at these people's mercy," Adina whispered.

The boarding party was comprised of three individuals. Admiral Paxie, xenomedic Ensign Kime, and Sergeant Klte. Sergeant Klte was a Qomo, one of the smaller species in the Xoixe's catalog of allies. Given the delicate and relatively defenseless physiology of the new aliens, Paxie had determined that Klte would be the best received as the face of the alliance. It stood on four thin legs, rose up on an elegant, slim torso, and had four thin arms, a sleek, mostly featureless face, a thin, lipless mouth, large, black eyes, and pale skin. It was downright cute.

"Admiral," Kime uttered, looking at the new aliens, "these creatures are exhibiting signs of extreme stress."

"Hopefully our new friends will be comfortable enough joining us to tell us what's happened here," Paxie said.

---

next

[cipheramnesia]

I think in the humans are space orcs vein of posts, it's very funny and possible that humans don't have the same emotions as some other extraterrestrial civilization. Imagine they come rockin up to Earth only to discover we don't experience the fundamental emotions of [untranslatable clicking and hissing screech]. And then we discover that we're the weird ones because stuff like love or anger, no one really cares about those, but humans are seen as brutal, emotionless machines because everyone knows we don't have [clicking and hissing screech].

Like, we try and make normal and compassionate decisions, but no matter what we think we're doing, to almost every non-human we encounter, it's just kid gloves, feral dog handling. By all measurable standards, human tech lags behind every other civilization by decades, at best, usually centuries. And yet it's humans that get roped into every conflict, that decimate opposing armies, that break the backs of interplanetary governments - and we just never understand why. Sometimes we don't even realize we're being used in a war, all because we are, somehow, unfeeling monsters with no [?????].