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cosmiclion · 1 year ago

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An egg in the process of cracking 🥚

A design of younger Grell from my AU (she's about 20 here). I changed almost everything from her backstory since I first came up with this AU, notes (that I've been working on for months lol) under the cut.

(Also yes, I hid the hands behind the body because I didn't wanna draw them, don't mention it ☠️).

-Born in February 17th, 1863 in England, in this universe she's not a reaper but she's still not human.

-She's a werecat (I explored the concept for the first time in this post and I liked it so much that I ended up using it for my main AU). While werebeasts have a human form they are 100% nonhuman as the curse that turns someone into one fully alters their DNA. Adults are immune to the curse, which means if an adult gets bitten and survives they won't turn. However, cases of teenagers and younger surviving an attack aren't enough to properly determine up until which age a person can be affected. A child can also be born a werebeast as the curse can be passed to a fetus if a pregnant person gets bitten. The latter is Grell's case, as her mother got attacked during pregnancy.

-While she didn’t actually transform until her early teens, she did show feline traits from the beginning, such as a desire to hunt and chase small animals and moving objects, climbing trees or other structures, hiding in narrow spaces, etc.

-A homeschooled and pretty sheltered only child, with dead maternal grandparents, a dead father, an emotionally distant mother who eventually bailed on her and paternal grandparents who loved and spoiled her but didn’t really understand her on a deep level, Grell grew up angry and frustrated. She had always felt that something wasn't quite right with her, and when she slowly started to experiment to try to figure herself out she had no one to turn to. As a teenager she decided to just run away from home and leave everything behind. She knew she was leaving her grandparents to die alone but she didn’t care, she had never genuinely loved them anyway.

-She chose her own name AND surname, the first after a nickname her German grandparents often called her and the latter after a character from a book she liked.

-Struggles a lot with internalized misogyny thanks to a mix of her mother’s neglect and eventual abandonment and her grandparents only talking shit about said mother whenever they mentioned her, which greatly contributed to shape her views on motherhood and womanhood in general. Would love to have a child of her own but deep down that’s just because of her dysphoria, in reality she has very little patience for kids and is probably not the best parent material.

-Went through a phase of compulsive heterosexuality both when she thought she was a man and also after she realized she was a woman. Figuring out her orientation wasn’t any easier than figuring out her gender but she’s probably bi with a slight preference for men and masculinity in general.

-I still haven't come up with a story for what she does after leaving her home and before the main events, I only have some ideas. Like she's young when she goes out into the world, she's passionate and adventurous but also full of pent up anger. Also there's the small issue of her being a beast with a huge prey drive, being a trans girl in the middle of self discovery is harder when you're also learning about and trying to gain control of (or at least cope with) your literal wild side ☠️ I know that werebeasts' main driving force is hunger, and the longer they go without eating the more they revert back to a feral state. I'm tempted to make her go the serial killer route but in this case she doesn't have much control of her actions 🫢

-Her werecat form is based on a maine coon. When she first starts showing signs of therianthropy she doesn’t have much control of it, and transforming and becoming that big and rough looking makes her more dysphoric (even more so because “male” maine coons are bigger). Over time she starts accepting it and, as she discovers how powerful it makes her and all the things she can do with it and gains control of it, she fully embraces it as an important part of her.

-The only part of her feline form she cannot hide in human form are the teeth, no matter the form she takes she always has sharp fangs. This is a common trait of all werebeasts, some of them are self conscious about it and avoid smiling or opening their mouth at all while others are proud of it and will take any opportunity to flash their teeth at anyone (guess which one is Grell’s case lmao).

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cru5h-cascades · 11 days ago

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LORE-fi Bag: Corrine's Journal (Part 1)

I have nothing else to say here besides pretty much this is the stuff that happened before the main story leading up to Corrine getting murked from the dead wife herself's perspective. Enjoy :D

November 10, 2014

While walking home after my shift at the restaurant today I found this one guy crying on the side of the road. He didn't have an umbrella or anything to keep him dry in the rain and he looked like he's seen better days. I asked him if he was okay but he only shook his head slowly. When I said he could stay with me he didn't say anything but he walked with me back to my apartment. I guess he has nowhere else to go. Poor guy...

So here we are now. I tried talking to him but he still wouldn't talk. Can he even talk? I guess I'll figure it out eventually. He's sleeping on the couch right now. I'll go clothes shopping for him tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he's homeless. I think it's gonna be a while until he can go off on his own. As long as he isn't a weirdo I'll let him stay here. Now that I think about it I should probably clean up the spare room here. I think he'd probably like that better than sleeping on the couch.

November 17, 2014

So he's been here for a week now. He has some new clothes. The spare room's all cleaned up for him but he still chooses to sleep on the couch. He has a huge appetite (either that or he hasn't had a proper meal in a long time). He still won't talk to me, though, not even by writing things out for me to read. I really wonder what's going through his mind. I just wish I knew...

December 2, 2014

Mom and Dad found out I dropped out of college. To say they weren't happy would be an understatement. They wanted me to go back to Greensburg. Fat chance. Yesterday during my break when they called me I told them that I wasn't going back there. What they wanted for me wasn't what I wanted in life. I don't want to live just to do what they want me to do. I made sure they had no way of contacting me after the call. I blocked their numbers, both their personal and work emails, all of it. Thank god they don't know my address. I walked back home crying and vented to what's his name about what happened. I didn't expect what happened after I told him about that to... well happen. He went into the kitchen and made a mask thing out of a paper bag, put that mask over his head, and did some silly little dance to try to cheer me up. I was sooo confused at first but it was funny either way. This was actually my first time hearing his voice.

I finally asked for his name then (took me long enough, huh?). Emio. Or at least that's what he'd rather have me call him. Later that night he told me about his past and... he's been so much. Bad house life. Lost his little sister. Running away from his shit hole home just to get away from his dad. Spending months out on the streets. I guess that makes the both of us runaways. He told me has nowhere else to go and thanked me for letting him stay.

Today he's a bit more talkative for some reason. Maybe opening up about my past helped him open up about his. Made him feel less alone. He's been looking at my keyboard lately. Is he interested in learning piano? Does he even know how to? Only one way to find out I guess. If he is... maybe I'll teach him...

December 20, 2014

So apparently Em's blind as a bat. He got glasses today. I'm pretty sure he can actually see the sheet music I'm showing him when we're practicing now. Speaking of him learning piano, Em's a quick learner! He already knows how to play Daisy Bell! While I'm not actually teaching him he's been trying to play the song I wrote a while back without sheet music. He seems pretty determined to learn how to play. One day I wanna get a grand piano for the both of us. Sure the keyboard we have right now is fine but I think it'd be neat to have a good grand piano here at home.

February 15, 2015

We got a new piano at the restaurant and I asked the boss if she'd let me bring the old one home and she said yes! When Em saw that big old piano for the first time he lit up. That's what I like about Em. He has a sense of childlike wonder. He's silly. He's been messing around with the new piano for the past two hours trying to play some songs and make some of his own.

We called the piano Felix. I know, naming an instrument is kind of weird but screw that! It's not like we're the first people on earth to name our instrument.

March 6, 2015

Happy birthday to me!! Anyways, Em got a job yesterday. Ghost tours! Not sure why he went for that job in particular but hey it's nice to see the guy gain some more confidence. Some of the honeysuckle bushes we have in the community garden have started blooming and I took a few flowers with me. When I told Em that the flowers were edible he went through almost all the flowers I had brought home today. God what have I done lol... Guess I'm going to have to bring more home next time I get the chance to. Now that I think about it I think there's honeysuckle bushes growing right outside the apartment that haven't started blooming yet... oh boy when Em finds out...

June 10, 2015

So Em's been here for more than half a year now. I was thinking about just letting him stay until he could make enough money for himself to get an apartment for himself and whatever but I think he likes it here. And I like having him around. Honestly the apartment was way too quiet before he came here. I'm going to let him stay.

Alongside me teaching Em how to play piano (speaking of he's learned more songs, including the one I made!), I've been teaching him English, too. And he's helping me improve my Japanese. Like with learning piano he's picking up English quickly. The way he speaks and writes in English kind of reminds me of this one teacher I had when I was in Greensburg. Sophisticated. Rarely using slang even if I taught him some. I don't mind, though. It's pretty suave. I like it.

Em... you're a man of many talents. I can't wait to see what you get up to as time goes by. But my god could you at least have the decency to leave me some honeysuckle flowers to eat myself?? Hahaha

#emio #famicom detective club #emio the smiling man #lofi bag au #lofi bag #th1nking out l0ud #lore-fi bag

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scarlet--wiccan · 4 months ago

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Sorry if this is an annoying question, but how is the scarlet witch comic doing with sales right now? I’m worried it might get canceled because of a tweet the writer posted like a year or more ago that the series wasn’t doing too hot (apologies if this is too vague). That being said I’m not going to buy any of the comics due to the boycott.

You are no less capable than me of looking up sales information on your own.

As far as I know, the book is guaranteed another six issues, including this month's. There are listings for up to #10, plus the trade paperback. It's too soon to say what will happen after that-- it's almost half a year away. We probably won't get a clear idea of what's next until February, January at the earliest.

Generally speaking, books like Scarlet Witch-- a solo title for a character who, popular though she may be, has never had a long-form ongoing series-- are always in danger of getting cancelled. Sales are a big part of that, but it's honestly pretty arbitrary. I do remember Orlando saying, pretty early in the run, that he wasn't sure how long the series would go for, and reminding readers that preorders are the best way to guarantee its longevity. That might sound grim, but it's unfortunately pretty normal. I believe in this case, it was in response to a fan question along the lines of "will we see so-and-so," with the answer being, "if the series runs long enough and there's time to include them, but it's too soon to promise anything." Again, that's a standard outlook for this type of book.

So, if you're thinking of a post from last year, that might be what you're remembering. It doesn't mean the book was doing poorly, only that keeping the sales numbers up is, unfortunately vital. And right now, if you count both volumes of SW, plus Scarlet Witch & Quicksilver, Orlando's run is set to break a record at 24 issues, and has been consistently in publication for two and half years, with only a brief hiatus in the middle. That's the longest ongoing title Wanda's ever had, by a significant margin. I think that's a sign of success, and I'm grateful for it, no matter where it ends. I wish more people were focused on that.

I do think that relaunching the series in the middle was a mistake, and it definitely makes the numbers look worse than they are. The most recent issues have not been top sellers, but that decline is not unusual at this point in a longer run. But people on social media, particularly twitter, have a really bad attitude about this book and are constantly going out of their way to create a negative atmosphere in the fandom. Fearmongering that the book will be cancelled is absolutely a part of that. It's not worth engaging with.

#i don't have sales numbers off the top of my head but i know you can find them online if you look. But I genuinely don't have enough insight #to accurately compare digital sales vs print.#And I have no way of knowing how likely a book is to get cancelled-- even based on numbers-- bc it is famously arbitrary and often quite #unfair

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fountainpenguin · 5 months ago

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Recent 'Fic Progress 'n Stuff

I'm in a very busy period of my life right now, so updates may become sporadic, but here's some news I have for now!

Fandoms discussed: MCYT, Total Drama, WordGirl, Fairly OddParents

MCYT - Typically updates Tuesdays

- Aiming to post something for the Pixels Imperfect series on Tuesday, but don't be alarmed if it doesn't happen.

-> I'm in this weird zone where my chapter for Herobrine's Guide to the Between Dimension is complete except for the map I'm almost done with, but I'm having some artist block getting the map where I want it, so... I might hold off a bit until I'm happy with it. It's not bad, but I'm struggling with clean-up and labels.

-> Really good progress on my next Dog's Life chapter. In a weird zone of hesitating over whether I'm going too far with X or Y. Needs more attention, but I'm really happy with what I have so far. Very exciting! I did some doodles that I'll post under the cut :)

-> High likelihood of skipping this next Tuesday of posting, which gives time to let Collector's Fee sink in anyway (Plus I did a double update for Dog's Life at the start of August for its anniversary and that was probably too much for me), but we should be back the week after :)

- Herobrine's Guide will go on hiatus after Chapter 14 (the next chapter to post is Chapter 11) because that's where the buffer runs out. At that point, we've finished all world lore (except the Hels stuff that goes in the Additional Info final chapter). That's where we enter the bestiary, and they're huge chapters I want to ensure are consistent all the way through. So... I need to finish all the bestiary chapters before posting the first one :'D. A lot of work is done, but a lot still left to do!

-> Since I've been posting Herobrine's Guide during Dog's Life's intermission, we just won't have Tuesday updates for a bit. I think I'll switch to finishing The Candles We Light (and Should Regret) & Top 10 Hanahaki Life Hacks (#8 Will Shock You), which I started during Guess the Author.

-> Comparatively, they're shorter projects and it would be nice to finish them instead of leaving them hanging. That should work well, but we may have a period of no Tuesday updates during this adjustment period.

- Dog's Life is still on soft hiatus through to January or February 2025. It's between Sessions 2 and 3 right now and that hasn't changed. At this time, it posts once a month (although as mentioned, there may be a slight delay in the next chapter, but we had a double update on August 1st, so no surprise :))

-> When Dog's Life resumes, it will most likely be once every two weeks instead of every week. I really enjoyed posting weekly, but I have to admit it's A Lot. I was able to do that when hyperfixating on it as the only fandom I was posting consistently for, but I'd like to roll it back for 2025. Considering I post chapters above 10k words, I think it's fair; weekly updates was a lot. Final decision will be made when we actually reach 2025!

- We know Grian's working on Life Series Season 6 and that he said it would be a while. When that drops, I expect to do liveblogs and maybe one-shots depending on inspiration.

Total Drama - Currently updates Wednesdays and Saturdays

Life of a Loser is getting close to its end! Once it's done, we'll switch to posting one TD 'fic a week (probably) until they're all posted. Leaning towards posting on Wednesdays or Thursdays. Subject to change.

You can subscribe to the Riddle's Drama AO3 series if you want those emails. If you are only subscribed to Life of a Loser but you want to continue seeing more of my TD work, now is a good time to subscribe to the series, as basically everything from here is one-shots.

Reminder: I wrote these works between 2013 and 2016. I'm moving them to AO3 for archive purposes. You can leave comments or send me Asks if you want to chat about these works or their worldbuilding, but my knowledge of the show ends after Ridonculous Race; I didn't watch Total Dramarama and I don't know anything that came after it.

My Total Drama works will continue posting for the rest of 2024 and into 2025. I don't anticipate writing more works for this series, although if I had infinite time, I'd be interested in finishing the ones I started and left unfinished (because Leonard, my beloved).

WordGirl - On hiatus

Still on hiatus for now! Was hoping I'd be able to post more for it before the end of 2024, but that was pushed back by a very busy summer, which led to me not getting the Frayed Knots buffer where I wanted, and Frayed Knots has priority.

These works are not discontinued (I've been working on Factor It In since 2018 and I'm not dropping it now, lol). They're just on break, because I'd prefer leaving them on break and returning with a buffer over random updates.

I do have some one-shot drafts I've been sitting on, and I might clean and post those, but my attention's pretty divided between IRL, MCYT 'fics, and FOP right now, so this isn't super likely.

Factor It In has a serious vibe, as it's a realistic exploration of superhero life and biology, and there's also, like... no death or serious injury in it. I'm currently interested in things that are either wackier or angstier, but I look forward to coming back to it when I'm ready to be serious again. I genuinely like these 'fics a lot, including my WIPs, but it's an exciting time for FOP fandom right now and I want to enjoy it :)

If you want updates for my WordGirl 'fics, you can subscribe to Heroes' Journey or 28 Million Degrees. And you can always send me Asks if you want to!

Fairly OddParents - AO3 updates on Fridays, plus I've been posting on the blog any day of the week

- New cover arts for Frayed Knots and Origin of the Pixies are done! Their new announcement posts will go up soon, as I wanted to get all the 130 arc covers done first (for reverse tag scrolling purposes).

I did these two first and I think they're my favorites <3 These will replace their existing covers in their respective 'fics, and these are the posts that will be linked to when discussing these projects (Ex: I need to clean my FOP 'fics page and these will go there).

Reblogs always appreciated for cover / announcement posts, but no pressure! These are messy 'fics and not to everyone's tastes.

- I've committed to the name City Lights AU for my New Wish works. I'm REALLY excited for the "arranged marriage & not in love but we're going along with it anyway because this is what we do as upper class kids" trope I've set myself up with... for reasons...

- The AU guide is complete and will be posted after I finish Hadley's full sideblog profile, as I want her to be linked on it.

- I... emotionally cannot post Hadley's profile until I clean the freakin' blog, because I HATE what the update years ago did to bullet points, so I'll see if I can make some time for the sideblog. I have to go back and change them all to indents with dashes, like I've been doing in my posts over here... and I still have to fix all the broken masterpost links (which broke during the same Tumblr update from years ago). Gonna be a pain, but...... :'D The things we do for love.

- I went through my drafts and it looks like I do have some lore and reference posts that can be cleaned and posted for the sideblog, which would be nice; I have more to work with than I thought.

I can also do things like post the Fairy School Schedule on the sideblog instead of on a Google Doc. Up until now, it was relying on the doc for color coding (for ease of reading), but now we have color-coded posts, so it can go on the blog directly. - Also ?? it turns out I never actually compiled my multiple posts on Fairy aging into a single post, and thus the detailed info never made it on the sideblog. -> I compiled an age chapter for today's "So, You're Studying the Cloudlands..." update (i.e. I'd had the development charts there as placeholders since the start, but I really wanted actual info too) and that will become a sideblog post in the future.

- Somewhere in the depths of my literal 2,400 drafts on main blog is some sideblog stuff that I saved as drafts here instead of there, and one day... I will find it. But we'll talk about that again after my A New Wish liveblog is done.

I'm also going to change the sideblog's mentions of Riddleverse Classic to Cloudlands AU, now that it has a real name. Just... finally coming back and power washing everything before I risk posting anything new that attracts new eyes while the blog is messy, haha.

Technically the term Riddleverse 'fics covers all my AUs, so some mentions will stay (like things that say "contains Riddleverse spoilers"). However, this should make things more clear.

I had a lot of self-censorship internalization and general nerves when I was working on the sideblog back in the day, but I'm a lot more "cringe and free and I'm gonna make it everyone's problem" now than I was a few years ago, so it'll be nice to move on from those memories and learn to enjoy the blog again.

- I also feel happier with my art and writing styles now compared to where I was in recent years. Looking forward to blowing the dust off and polishing stuff nicely! I'm not going to try to keep future profile arts consistent with the old arts, so it'll be what it'll be.

Heavily leaning towards redesigning my adult Chloe, as I was never that attached to her, and I want to slightly tweak my Timmy and Cosmo to better fit my current art style. Debating whether to add Anti-Wanda's scars. Also need to do a scar ref for H.P. since he has a huge one on his cheek I rarely draw because I always seem to draw him facing the other way, sdklj... Someday...

- I had a lot of IRL stuff happen in recent years that was similar to things happening in my FOP 'fics and I wasn't able to truly enjoy them for a while. A New Wish brought back a lot of my excitement for the series and I feel like I'm healing a lot in regards to being able to enjoy FOP :)

I'm excited to share the arc guide and start outlining 'fics.

- As previously mentioned, I've cleaned the 130 Prompts summaries page so it's up to date with 2024 plans. Also, I've finished all the arc guides and made a new cover image for the project!

- I'd like to kick off Arc 3 of the Prompts with a piece about Dale shortly after "Nectar of the Odds" - "#96 - You Deserve It." The piece after that will loop back to the "Am I adopted?" drama Poof went through in Arc 2, and it'll be fun! I'm really excited :)

- Frayed Knots is high priority, but it's also a massive project requiring lots of brain power, so it'll be nice to sprinkle lighter one-shots in between.

- Great progress on Frayed Knots! Things are really coming together. Might post one chapter soon, but the next few need more attention. Still hoping to build a proper buffer, but it's a slow process.

-> I... think I'm going to take the plunge and commit to dropdown chapter warnings for Origin and Knots, the way I do for my MCYT multi-chapters :'D Will this be exhausting and require a lot of rereading? Yeah, but it makes me feel less self-conscious (and it helps me quickly check each chapter to confirm I know what's in it). So... That'll be going on in the background, but expect it to take a while. It will not be fast.

-> Next chapter gets a standalone E-rated version, like we did for "Cageflight" back in the day. As previously stated, Frayed Knots maintains it's T and/or mild M rating despite now being classified as Not Rated; E-rated content will always be posted separately. And this one's pretty intense, so prepare emotionally before reading.

/whispers loudly - It's the big "raised in a culture where sex is done for ceremony" vs. "longing for passion and ready to ask for it" clash we've been waiting for... I finally am happy with my blocks for this scene. Just pulling it all together. It feels SO FUN to finally write the ceremonial bits of their culture as a proper ceremony explored onscreen. It's always been hypothetical... sdfljksdflkj...

This chapter is called "House of Cards." The standalone will be titled the same, and these are the AO3 series that will get the email notification:

Rainbow Train -> Not in the 130 Prompts

Red Train -> Suggestive / explicit

Orange Train -> High fantasy (Deep-dive into Anti-Fairy culture)

Subscribe or ignore at your preference, but there's your heads up. And obligatory reminder that this is a 'fic about a protagonist who has hypersexuality and we explore that more now that he's an adult than in the earlier chapters when he was younger.

Anti-Cosmo being hypersexual, bipolar, pan, AND ace, AND carrying trauma from a past life, and VERY confused about attraction, you will always be famous to me <3

As we know, Origin of the Pixies is all the way up to the war chapters, so it's on hiatus until Knots catches up. From there, we'll alternate between H.P. and Anti-Cosmo POVs through the war! Very exciting.

Knots still has to get Anti-Cosmo through his first meeting with Cosmo (who still has to hit Wanda with his car in line with "Cosmonopoly"), then through godparenting schooling & into a high rank in Anti-Fairy World (in line with his appearance in the truce flashback of "Balance of Flour"), but we're getting close!!

Also as previously stated, I might get around to posting some sensual / sexual stuff for FOP that I wrote as character studies and warm-ups back in the day, but...

I cannot emphasize enough that these delve into really heavy topics like consent violations, setting up a plot about being underage and desperate that will later crash and burn, and sexual trauma, and they're not necessarily sexy or fun to read, so just... [obligatory I Write Trauma & Morally Gray Characters In 'Fics For The Show About Trauma & Morally Gray Characters reminder].

But I do think there's really interesting stuff in here in terms of character studies and I wouldn't mind having them available, if for no other reason than because I've lost them multiple times and would enjoy having a place to find them.

-> Those all go in Red Train and Rainbow Train. Again, subscribe or ignore at your preference. They are not part of the 130 Prompts (which are strictly G and T works).

-> These are certainly not necessary reads in order to "keep up with what's happening" to the characters. Anything you need to know for their plot arcs is in their G and T stories. This is just bonus stuff for people who're interested in... The Horrors.

That's all I have to say for now! Thanks for reading!

Doodles for the upcoming Dog's Life Chapter 41 and/or 42 depending on where I cut it

Mild spoilers depending on how good you are at deciphering these out of context:

#ridwriting #I... am fine not putting this in main tags :)#Dog's Life #Dog's Life spoilers #ridspoilers #Frayed Knots #Cloudlands AU #/drops that last doodle and walks out- “I am not taking questions at this time but iykyk”#City Lights AU #130 Prompts #mcyt #apparently art #Long post

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delurkr · 1 year ago

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The Semicentennial Nightmare Walk au

For your consideration: A version of events where the reincarnation cycles are real, and every time they die they get trapped in the spirit world and run around the town of Little Hope (however it looks in their era) trying to save themselves from the same demons, and their tether in the material world is always the A-boy who outlived the previous cycle. The A-boy is always traumatized by what happened when he was 18 and he always looks crazy to the people in the material world, and from 1692 on down the line the cycles have always failed to beat their demons up to and determinately including the 2020 cycle, and when they fail the next cycle starts.

Does it make any sense? Probably not. But to illustrate, the way this would look for the 1972 cycle is:

The five Clarkes die in the house fire and Anthony gets hurt like canon. All six of them wake up in the spirit-world housefire and get out of the house minimally injured. They start wandering around the town, which continues to look just how they knew it, and they're figuring out what they're going to do next and whatever, but only Anthony gets proper responses from people they try to talk to. They think it's weird; they know the townspeople and all and they're still getting ignored. It's night so there aren't too many people out around town but there are more people than in 2020 when it was just Vince acting weird, so it's easier for the Clarkes to theorize stuff about being dead and all. They get the same 1600s flashbacks, presumably recognizing Carver as Carson, and the demons start coming after them.

So Anne, Tanya, Dennis, and James get chased and are each conquered by their demons at any point during the night. (Megan has been involved but she's a spectator and still distant and uncommunicative like before they died). Anthony, Megan, and whichever of the others are left then make it to the final flashback, which does not necessarily take place at the ruined house, and Anthony along with one of the other adults make the big choice. Even if they save Mary, the remaining demons then kill the rest of their targets because nobody broke their locked traits. Megan is around somewhere, but no matter what the "ending" was Anthony then returns to the material world and wakes up in the hospital or whatever went on the morning after the housefire. He was unconscious the whole night, and in fact the person who had been running around the material world interacting with the townspeople and everything is the guy from 1917, the previous cycle:

who is old now and is probably reclusive and not known to many of the townspeople. They think he's weird because of the way he's been acting while he was Anthony's tether, and he could be arrested or not depending on how he acted. About a month passes and then, because the Clarkes failed to break the curse, Angela is born in February 1972.

And then yadda yadda everyone grows up and the 2020 events of the game happen, and this time it's Andrew in the spirit world with Anthony in the material one. Whether Andrew gets arrested, makes it to the diner, stays at the ruined house, or shoots himself, it only affects Anthony because the moment we get the reveal of the bus driver is when Andrew wakes up in the hospital or at the site of the crash or wherever, and Angela, Daniel, John, Taylor, and the little girl are corpses who died in the crash. If any of the four adults failed to beat their demons, a new cycle will be reincarnated. The size of the next cycle could determinately be just 3 people (A-boy, M, and only one person who did not break their locked traits) or any number up to the full 6, but Andrew will still be the tether. And the cycles continue like that until all of A-lady, J, T, and D have beaten their demons.

So... did anyone read all of that? If something doesn't make sense go ahead and poke holes in it, I won't be offended lol

#calling it the #semicentennial nightmare walk au #because goofy names appeal to me lol #it roughs out to about every half a century that two a-boys link up to experience a night of horrors #its like a planetary alignment or something 😆#ramblings #little hope au #the dark pictures anthology #little hope

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nokingsonlyfooles · 1 year ago

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The menus don't work, the menus don't work, the menus DON'T WORK...

OK, my few readers. I took a break, I went back to fix the navigation, it's unfixable as-written.

I need some complex stuff in places, I was willing to forgive WP for putting out a new site editing interface that barely works - as long as it has the basic features someone would use on a storefront. I'm an outlier. I know this.

BUT IT IS NO LONGER POSSIBLE TO CREATE A MENU WITH A WORKING SUB-MENU IN IT. IF YOU TRY, THE SUB-MENU LINKS ARE UNCLICKABLE.

I am using their site editor and their 2024 theme, I should say.

I crossed my fingers and looked for the (now liable to vanish from anything more complicated than a paragraph) "edit as html" option. Nope! It's gone! I can't fix it. I would have to hack the interface somehow to fix this for WordPress, within WordPress.

I had to go looking for plugins. I HAD TO GO LOOKING FOR 3RD PARTY SOFTWARE TO GET A FUNCTIONAL MENU. And, of course, they paywall features I need. I found a "floating" menu that actually does work well enough (it's a little cramped on mobile unless you put the screen in landscape mode, but at this point you should really do that anyway, I can only format so much) but the sub-menu function is paywalled. And I'm actually fucking tempted to buy (haha, I mean "rent") it. Because the damn thing works in dark mode and across devices. And it sticks to the side in a fairly unobtrusive way, which WP's menu will not. It won't stick anywhere. And it sure as hell won't do that thing where you scroll up and it plops down for your convenience.

But if I use that floating menu without sub-menus, it's gonna get longer, and longer, and longer, until it doesn't fit on your mobile screen anymore, or potentially your tablet or desktop, and then I dunno what happens. Also, in order to keep it small, everything is a cryptic icon that displays a title when you tap it (on mobile) or hover over it (on desktop). That's kinda counterintuitive, I don't know if I want my one working menu to be like that.

I might keep looking and find another plugin that also works that well but... it's not likely. Or, if I do, I may run into another paywall. They gotta get their rent somehow!

This is a stupid problem and so far I am unable to come with with a non-stupid solution. I can:

Put all the links in the header menu, and you'll have to scroll through EVERYTHING to find the actual content every time.

Put all the links in the content area, in different places and different combinations depending on the page. (And this would mean doing some reformatting on every instalment AGAIN.)

Start fucking around with the sidebar - I don't know if it works and I'd have to rip up every template I've already made to add it.

Put all the links in the footer menu, and nobody will notice them.

Put all the links in the floating menu (see above for the issues with that).

Make sub-pages for Misc/Notes and similar that are just lists of links and serve the function of a sub-menu.

Actually put the content on the sub-page and have it navigable via anchors (this seems like it would be a bitch to load, but most of my content is just text).

Make a list of links that isn't actually tagged as a menu, thus losing the collapsible function for small screens.

Kill God.

That last one is probably the most doable but I feel like someone would get mad at me. Like, Hazbin Hotel finally got its first season on Amazon, and if God dies they might have to rewrite some shit.

If I don't lay out the money for the cryptic icon menu, we're probably going to end up with three or four accordions that are not technically menus at the top of every page. And I'll hafta check back every once in a while to see if WP fixed their shit yet.

If they don't stick with that site editor and make it useable, all this work is going to vanish like chalk marks in the rain.

I WANTED to put up another six-pack in February. I have it ready to go! But the site doesn't work. If I can't fix it this week, I won't even be able to put things up without illustrations. And forget having time to fill in the missing artwork. I got enough to do trying to kill God!

#tin soldier and soldier on #updates #website woes #in other news i woke up with an inexplicable ability to focus better on text today #which i should not have?#I'm not wearing reading glasses to write this #pretty sure this isn't gonna stay like this but wtf happened?

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player1064 · 10 months ago

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Feb 2016 (becks) 🥺🙏🏽

WIP asks but it's just the various sections of my happy (???) beville (/angsty carraville) WIP

---

February, 2016.

Gary doesn't pick up, the first time David tries to call him. It doesn't even ring, just goes straight to voicemail.

It's not surprising. Gary's always struggled, after a loss. And this was a very big loss. He's probably turned his phone off, gone straight back to the hotel to drown his sorrows with a - sensible, always sensible even now - single glass of wine.

He leaves it for a couple of hours, gives Gary some time to mope. I won't sleep well tonight, he'd said in the post-match press conference. David will be surprised if he sleeps at all, he knows what he's like: the guilt and shame will have him tossing and turning all night long, until he'll eventually give up and go find a treadmill to run on until his legs give out.

David's memories of Camp Nou are all good. He's only played there a handful of times, only beaten Barcelona there once, that season he was with Madrid. But that's all irrelevant, because for David, for any of his old United teammates, Camp Nou was the setting for one of the best nights of his life. And now that's been ruined for Gary.

When he calls again later that evening, he listens to the phone ring and ring, far longer than he's come to expect from the man glued to his phone. And when Gary picks up there's no greeting, just the sound of his shaky breaths on the other end of the line.

"Gaz?"

He hears a choked sob, then a sniff and a "hi, Becks."

This… this is unexpected. Gary doesn't cry, not ever. A bit, last summer when he lost his dad, but even then it was only when he and David were alone in their hotel room in Australia, his face pressed against David's chest while silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

David doesn't really cry either, now that he thinks about it. He's not sure what that says about either of them.

He tries to keep his tone light now, asks jokingly "why so glum? Your team lose or somethin'?" which should've made Gary give a feeble sort of laugh but instead just earns him another muffled sob.

More seriously, he adds "it's only football, love. It's only football."

"Yeah. Right," Gary says quietly. There's a slight echo to his voice, like he's calling from a bathroom or something.

"Are you out somewhere?" David asks, which feels like an embarrassing question when even the thought of him going out after a loss goes against a quarter of a century's knowledge about Gary.

"Wha? Oh, no. No, I'm at the 'otel, just - felt a bit sick, is all. Been campin' out in the bathroom for a little bit."

David's gut twists with guilt. "Say the word, Gaz, and I'm on the next plane over there. This time of night, I reckon I can be at your door in less than four hours."

It's an empty promise, not because he wouldn't go - David would quite readily run all the way to Spain if that was the only way to get there - but because he knows Gary will say no. Because Gary is far too proud to admit he needs other people, even his bloody husband. And because Salford has a game tomorrow, and Gary would lose all respect for him if David skipped out on watching it just to fly to Spain for a bit of a cuddle.

They sit in silence for a few moments, David listening to Gary's shaky breaths slowly start to even out.

"Can I ask you somethin', David?" Gary asks after a while, clearing his throat awkwardly.

"Of course," David replies without a moment's hesitation. "Anything, always. You know that."

"Yeah." He hears Gary's uncomfortable chuckle, can just picture the way he's probably running a hand through his hair right now. "Yeah, I - I dunno, it might be stupid. Tell me if it's stupid, Becks, but lately I've - I've been thinkin', about Spain. I mean, obviously I've been thinkin' about Spain, see, stupid, but I mean - I've been thinkin' about Madrid."

David's been thinking a lot about Madrid lately too. Hard not to, when the man you love has fucked off to Spain and there's not a damn thing you can do about it without being marked a hypocrite because you did the same.

He'd hated Madrid. He'd loved Madrid. Both things can be true. He sometimes wonders what his life would look like now if United hadn't recalled his loan at the end of that season, if they'd sold him for good. Though who knows, maybe that wasn't an offer that Madrid had on the table. Maybe he was always going to end his career at Manchester United.

"I miss you more, this time around," David says gently. "Never would've thought that'd be possible, but. There you go."

"Yeah." Gary chuckles again, still uncomfortable. Like that's not the end of his thought, like the worst is still to come. "I just - I always wondered, an' I know it's stupid, so like - but I always wondered, like. D'you remember valentines, that year? With the - the red card, and the international break, and - but before all that, when you sent all them presents for me to Old Trafford? I - I dunno, I keep thinkin', lately, about somethin' Roy said that day. That maybe you felt guilty about somethin'."

David has had twelve years to anticipate this conversation, but the question still makes him wince, still feels like it's causing him physical pain.

He'd been all alone out there. He didn't know any Spanish, couldn't speak to any of his teammates. Back in Manchester, Gaz had lost his form, it was obvious even on a TV screen a thousand miles away, so David had been tiptoeing around him in all their calls, careful not to rock the already unstable boat.

So he'd had nobody. That's his excuse, and it's a weak one. Gary deserves better than that.

"I love you," he says quickly, even though they both know that's not a valid answer. "I've loved you my whole life."

"Becks."

"It only happened once. I can barely remember what she looked like. It was just once, Gaz, swear on my life. An' I felt sick after, for weeks and weeks."

"Alright." Gary lets out a long, shaky breath. "Yeah, alright then. Yeah."

"Gaz -"

"Think I already knew, didn't I? But I think it's good, that - at least now I can stop wonderin'."

"I love you."

"Yeah." Gary sighs again. "Night, David."

Felt a bit sick, Gary had said.

It's probably just coincidence.

#I looooove this section tbh.#idk if becks is like. genuinely suspicious here or if he's just dismissing the thought as crazy... up for interpretation ig!#beville #wip asks

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the-guilty-writer · 2 years ago

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Okay hang on wait I have a timeline question. Okay, so it’s established there is about 1 year between RR jointing the bureau & the show beginning.

The first installment within the show is Gideon leaving, which is 3x01

Reid and RR are married at this point.

The next is Rossi’s introduction episode, which is a few episodes after (is it 3x14? It might be 3x14)

This installment discusses RR and Reid’s wedding anniversary (er, proposal anniversary). It talks about it with the air of it being at least a 2 year tradition. IMO.

We can vaguely assume the season’s are a year each, based both in Elle’s having been there a year after she leaves in season 2, and Jack turning 4 in season 4, after being born in S1.

SO, exactly how long DID RR and Reid know each other when they got together? And how long were they together before they got married?

The answer is not long enough in my opinion, but it's because I wasn't smart enough to put together a timeline before I started writing the series.

I didn't think it through and made a (sort of) mistake by saying that they got married before the show started and it crunched the timeline of their relationship between meeting and mairrage to about a year.

To draw it out the longest, we can say that Reid joined the BAU in October of 2003, right after he turned 22, and RR joined the BAU in late February/early March 2004 (approximately 20 weeks apart from one another).

It's already established that Morgan ships them (in The First Case when he tells Reid to wake her up) and Spencer absolutely has a crush on her (he gets flustered by Morgan's comment). If we're being honest we all know that Gideon is trying to set them up. So I'd imagine that Morgan really pushes Spencer into asking her out fast.

So they probably go on their first date by the end of March 2004.

With their jobs there isn't a whole lot of time for dating in the traditional sense and they're already with one another all the time because of work. The phase of only going on established "dates" with specific plans and time frames would be short-lived because it simply isn't feasible with their lives.

They'd skip to the phase where they hang out at one another's apartments after work, grab quick dinner together after a case, and "the metro doesn't run this late. you can just stay over" part of their relationship fast. It's the most practical way for them to spend time together outside of work. By mid-May 2004 they both have keys to one another's places.

They're practically living together, but I think both of them would feel like they were rushing so they'd put it off actually moving in with one another depite the fact that they're just splitting their lives and belongings between two seprate apartments.

This is when I imagine the chain reaction of events takes place that begins to really force speed.

At the end of August/beginning of September 2004 something happens. I imagine Spencer's mom's care fees rise, and while Spencer has the money, it's still stressful for him. RR finds out because Spencer can't hide anything from her (she can't hide anything from him either), and she suggests they move in together to lessen the financial burden. So they move in together.

Their relationship has been serious since the beginning, but now it feels even more serious.

At the end of October 2004, something happens on a case and RR lands in the hospital in pretty bad condition. Rossi is overseas for some book thing, so Gideon is the power of attorney for RR, but he's still chasing after the unsub with the rest of the team. Spencer wants to stay with her, but because of laws, the doctors won't tell Spencer about her condition and he is loosing his mind.

She pulls through and she's going to be fine (other than the fact that she'll be on desk duty for a few weeks which will drive her bonkers) but Spencer is absolutely not fine. He was terrified having to sit around knowing nothing until Gideon and Hotch got there.

RR comes home on Halloween and that day Spencer proposes the idea of getting married for legal purposes. It makes sense from a logistics standpoint- it would give them both power of attorney, tax benefits, and if something were to happen to Spencer then RR could make sure everything goes towards Diana's care, etc.

RR says yes, but it's a hesitant yes.

Because of Rossi's three failed mairrages, RR does keep putting off the paperwork though, and Spencer understands her hesitation. They have moved fast and they're young and neither of them had great examples of healthy relationships growing up.

They're coming up on months of "engagement" and RR is still hesitant, but then... Boston. March 2005.

RR was with Hotch when it happened and Spencer was with Gideon. They're in two separate locations and all the information that is being relayed is that a BAU agent is dead. RR is losing her shit because all she can think about is how she's put off marrying the love of her life (even if it is just for legal reasons, because this is the excuse they make all the time) and now he might be dead.

When they get home the team is given time off and Spencer and RR get married. She wasn't going to hyphenate her name before, but she is now and Spencer secretly loves it.

So the answer is about a year between the time they meet and the time they get married! I don't think this is entirely compliant with everything I've written so far, but it takes up the most time.

The show starts in late September 2005 so by the time the show starts Spencer and RR would have been mairred for about 6 months!

#gill and doctorsteeb talk rossi reid #the rossi reid

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bluedjaywrites · 2 years ago

Text

𝙺𝚊𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊 𝙺𝚊𝚣𝚞𝚑𝚊 𝚡 𝙵𝚎𝚖! 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛: 𝙼𝚘𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚒𝚝 𝙼𝚎𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐

♪♫.ılılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılılı.♫♪

Date: February 7, 2023

Title: Moonlit Meeting

Pairing: Kaedehara Kazuha x Female Reader

Scenario Type: oneshot, 3rd person POV, some crack, Kazuha being cute

Summary: While scouting the Inazuman coast, Captain Beidou's right hand sailor—[Y/n], comes across a poetic ronin on the run from the Vision Hunt Decree.

Legend: 800 words, [Y/n] = your name], [h/c = hair color], she/her pronouns used, reader is referred to as a girl, reader has an Electro vision 😭 and wields a bow

Notes: Hii! DJay here!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVEN'T WRITTEN FOR KAZUHA YET MY BABYY 😫❤��❤️

[Y/n] sighed and gazed longingly at the maple trees behind her. She was patrolling the area around the harbor, as per Captain Beidou's orders. The Captain stated she had something she needed to get done, so she sent the crew on a few tasks.

Although it was a bit off-putting being on her own, [Y/n] was the Captain's right-hand sailor for a reason. Besides, it was rare being in the wilderness surrounded by land for her, due to being on the Crux for most of her days. The bright moon and the ocean's reflection of it illuminated the area enough to see properly. She quite enjoyed the beauty of Inazuma's land. The beautiful maple trees, the sweet smell of the flowers carried by the breeze, the red forest. Not to mention the yelling over the birds' chirping.

Wait, yelling?

[Y/n] quickly looked over to see if anyone was nearby, when she spotted a flash of white and red through the tree branches. She snuck a peek behind her shoulder. The Captain probably won't mind if I go check it out. Who knows, someone may need help!

The [h/c]-haired girl grabbed her bow from behind her back and carefully inched closer and closer into the forest of trees, trying to pinpoint where the voices were coming from.

"Vision Hunt Decree! Hand over your vision!

She came across a scene between members of the Vision Hunt Decree and another guy. He had white hair with a streak of red, and he looked battle-ready. But what caught her eye most was the maple leaf motif he adorned. The boy had multiple maple leaves on his clothing, and his red getup made him blend in with the surrounding maple trees. [Y/n] decided to watch a bit more to decide if she should intervene and stayed in the shadows.

The maple boy got into a battle stance, hand poised over his sheath, ready to defend himself at any moment.

"Don't move!" one of the soldiers yelled, which only made the samurai narrow his eyes and reach for his sword.

"Just a breath away until I reach the port..." the boy muttered, his red eyes darting at the enemies surrounding him. "Seems I couldn't evade you after all."

The group of soldiers unsheathed their weapons. "Vision Hunt Decree! Hand over your vision!"

Suddenly, something pierced the nearest soldier. The rest of the soldiers backed up. One of them spoke up, "An arro—!"

A flurry of arrows emitting a purple aura rained down on half of the soldiers, somehow avoiding the shocked boy in the middle. The remaining fighters ignored the boy they were chasing and charged at [Y/n], who emerged from her spot in the shadows.

She readied her bow, and, understanding the cue, the white-haired boy unsheathed his sword. "If only you could make one exception... things could've been easier for you."

Together, they blocked, attacked, and used their visions to defeat the Vision Hunt Decree soldiers. For extra measure, [Y/n] unleashed her elemental energy. "Gaze upon your demise!"

A myriad of Electro bands that resembled tape danced from her fingertips and tied the soldiers. She noticed how the boy's Anemo barrier swirled her Electro energy. "So you're an Anemo boy, huh?"

The red-eyed boy nodded, a small smile escaping him. "My sincerest apologies for involving you in my problems, my companion."

'My companion.' The boy's words made [Y/n] feel fuzzy. She shook it off. "No worries, just doing my thing. You alright?"

The maple boy smiled and shook his head. "I'm perfectly fine. Though, I should probably introduce myself. I am Kaedehara Kazuha." He reached out his hand. "And you, my savior?"

Why is this guy so smooth? "I'm a member of the Crux fleet and Captain Beidou's right-hand sailor, [Y/n]. Nice to meet'cha." [Y/n] met Kazuha's outstretched hand.

Her eyes caught Kazuha's bandages. "Woah, those are a lotta bandages, dude."

"Yes. I injured myself in a previous tragedy." He sat down on a nearby rock and cradled his hand, motioning his head for [Y/n] to join him, though she didn't. Kazuha's eyes flickered with an emotion [Y/n] couldn't quite place. Sadness? Determination?

[Y/n] sighed and peered at the ocean peeking in between the cracks of the trees. "Whatever the case, I bet flex tape will fix it."

"I... beg your pardon?" Kazuha cocked his head to the right, confused, making [Y/n] chuckle.

"More specifically, my flex tape," [Y/n] grinned, showing off her Electro vision by making bands that danced on the ends of her fingertips. She manipulated them so they formed a smiley face in midair.

"Mildly unsettling... but thank you." Kazuha gave [Y/n] a gentle smile.

Ignoring her hammering heartbeat, [Y/n] reached out her hand. "Let me introduce you to the rest of the crew. Then, maybe, you can tell me more about those maple leaves you adorn."

Kazuha chuckled and took the girl's hand. "You're quite the charmer, [Y/n]."

I'm the charmer??

Notes: I'VE MISSED WRITING SO MUCH THIS FELT SO GOOD-

Happy new year!! 🥳 How are you guys doing??? I missed you all 😭

It felt nice to finally get out some writing after a while of being inactive. But I will have you know becoming more active is one of my resolutions 😤 Because I am a cool kid™ 😎

I hope you enjoyed this! (Also, I hope Kazuha wasn't too OOC)

- Rara :)

♪♫.ılılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılılı.♫♪

→ 𝙺𝚊𝚎𝚍𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊 𝙺𝚊𝚣𝚞𝚑𝚊 𝙼𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝

→ 𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗 𝙸𝚖𝚙𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝙼𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝

→ 𝙼𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝙼𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚜

#DJay Writes ☁️#genshin impact #genshin #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin impact x y/n #genshin oneshots #kaedehara kazuha #kazuha kaedehara #kazuhax reader #kazuha x you #kazuha x yn #kaedehara x reader #genshin kazuha #kazuha

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astral-athame · 11 months ago

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((Life for me has pretty much been: Wake up at 8am. Desperately try to get more sleep until 9 (usually I doze off for, like, 2 or 3 minutes at a time and that's it). Get ready for work. Leave between 9:30 and 9:45. Work from 10-1:30-ish (it's supposed to be until 1:15 but I'm never out of there on time). Get home around 1:45. Leave for work part 2 around 2:30. That goes from at least 3-7, usually closer to 7:20 when I finally leave (sometimes stay until 8 or 9). Get home between 7:30 and 7:45. Make a quick dinner, shower, etc. Around 8:30, watch Ba.tt.le.st.ar Gal.act.ica with a couple of friends (if things work out, this couple may eventually be more than just my friends, but we'll see how that goes ^^;) until about 10:30, then chat with them for a bit after that, usually until almost 11. Bedtime routine (wash face, brush teeth, etc etc). Then stare at drafts until midnight when I realize I need to get to bed because I know I'll be up earlier than I need to be. Then the weekends have consisted a lot of babysitting, running errands, and trying to finish unpacking here and there because it's been 4 months and finding time to unpack has been a pain in the ass with everything that's constantly going on. Also, I spent 3 hours on Saturday putting together a kitchen cabinet- thankfully we have extra screwdrivers because the phillip's-head screwdriver they included was such bad quality that it was messed up and unusable less than half an hour in because the metal of it was so soft -_-

ANYWAY- Work both shifts the rest of the week (except Friday, but only because I don't have to do the second shift, still have the first). Saturday we're going out for my dad's birthday (which was actually last week, but we couldn't make things work for going out last weekend like we'd wanted to). Saturday night is also game night, as usual. Then Sunday I *should* have some free time, but I also desperately need to get some cleaning done that's being semi-neglected throughout the week. So what I'm saying is Sundays are chore days.

If things go well, I should, soon, only be working the first shift in another week or two (with the second shift just being Fridays and when absolutely needed)? Right now both my sister and I are stuck doing the second shift every night (and have been since before mid-winter break last month) because the custodial staff is down two people (one girl broke her leg and has been out since October, I think? And the other has been on temporary (paid) probation since early February while they consider whether or not to fire him and go through all the legal jargon of all of that). But they should be coming to a decision about that soon, I would hope, which would mean that if he gets to come back, then we won't be working nights unless someone calls out. And if he doesn't come back, then they should be hiring someone to fill his place so we'll just have to wait until someone snags the job (hopefully, in that case, they'll offer it to my sister first because usually they try to offer it to substitutes and she really wants it, but we'll see). They're also slowly running out of budget for substitutes, so, that's something to consider, too.

ANYWAY- TL;DR: I've basically had no writing time / personal time and that's why I've not been around. Hopefully work stuff will calm down soon because leaving the house around 9:30am and not really getting to be home until usually after 7:30pm (sometimes 8:30pm or 9:30pm) has been exhausting ^^;

I'll try to be around on Sunday (probably focus on Rogue's blog because I've been writing the fic in my head at work most nights so I have a lot of muse for her AND her blog has been sorely neglected for at least a few months now WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AT MYSELF). If I can even get one or two asks done, then I'll consider that an accomplishment at this point!

I'm so sorry about the long absence. I'm sorry to everyone for neglecting replies. I'm sorry to everyone I was writing with and haven't had the time / social and physical energy / emotional capacity to reach back out to in a while. That's on me. I dropped the ball on that. I've never been good at ooc communication anyway, tbh. I was really hoping things would be a little bit calmer after I moved, but instead they went in exactly the opposite direction and haven't really slowed down any since November. In fact, they've just gotten more hectic over the last few months ^^;

I adore you all so much and I really do hope that I can get back to writing soon. I've been missing it (and all of you) terribly.

Take care and I'll try to be around soon <3))

#ooc.#long post #((Sorry for the rambling. I've just been gone so long that I feel like you're all owed a proper explanation.))#((I miss being here. I need to stop giving all of my free time away to other people and give myself a couple days a week #that are to focus on myself and writing again.))

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chocoholicannanymous · 1 year ago

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Evil Author Day #3

February 15th is Evil Author Day - you can read more about it on Jilly James’ site, but in short it’s about posting titles or descriptions or parts of stuff that’s not actually ready for posting, the evil part being that there are no promises what so ever that there will be more.

What I’m posting under the EAD-tag either isn’t finished and might never be, or it could be considered finished only I’m not happy with it.

Either way: Enjoy. Or not.

Follows Doesn't Hurt At All, A Little Hurt (Goes A Long Way) and (It Hurts) To Have To Be This Honest With The One You Love.

Posting this one under the EAD-tag as I have never been able to be satisfied with it.

AN: Timelinewise, Kurt goes to London during the first week of April, Adam returns to England first week (or so) of June, and Kurt sends the first email to Adam beginning of August. This takes place about two weeks or so later.

Love Hurts (When You Do it Right)

Part 4 of Doesn't Hurt At All

Kurt picked up his book, read two paragraphs, then put it down again with a sigh. He'd been repeating that process now for close to twenty minutes. He'd also shredded two napkins, rearranged everything on the small table, and finished half a lemonade.

Being early for this meet-up had probably not been one of his brightest ideas.

Then again, it was possible that the meet-up itself wasn't that bright of an idea.

Kurt swallowed, looked at the time, and considered – for at least the tenth time – if it might not be best to cancel. Just...walk away, send Adam an email about being detained, and then never approach the subject again. He could do that, right? After all, it wasn't as if Adam even knew that Kurt was staying in London for the time being – he'd assumed Kurt was on vacation. (Which, admittedly, had been exactly what Kurt had been aiming at. He'd wanted to reduce the pressure on Adam. Maybe he had, but the pressure on himself? Very much present, and very much too much.)

Four minutes until he was supposed to meet Adam for the first time in nearly six months – for the first time since spooking, and refusing to be in a committed relationship. And see how well that worked, with the running back to Blaine and the getting engaged... Kurt ignored the snide inner voice. He'd messed up, and he'd done so repeatedly, and horribly. To leave now would be another mistake, and that's why he was going to stay, no matter how many butterflies seemed to have taken up residence in his stomach.

The seconds ticked by slowly, and a minute past their agreed upon time Kurt's stomach sank. No Adam. Adam, who never was late. Kurt blinked to avoid the tears that wanted to well up, and gave himself a stern talking to. First of all, he didn't really have any reason to be upset – he'd placed himself, and Adam, in this position on his own – and second, well, public transportation could be tricky. Maybe Adam was simply stuck on the Tube?

Either way, he would wait. He'd finish his lemonade, to begin with, and then reassess.

Twenty-four minutes past the hour saw Kurt out of both lemonade and hope. It didn't look like Adam was showing. Still. He'd give it until half past, and then... Then he'd go back to the apartment and cry into a pint of ice cream or something.

(A Long Island Ice Tea or five sounded tempting, but Kurt had learned by now that alcohol acted as a depressant and thus did not make him feel any better. Quite the opposite. Plus, if he drank when already down... Well. “Stupid” was a kind description of his behavior then.)

“Kurt?”

Oh! Kurt looked up, and was met with Adam's kind face. Looks like maybe I won't need that ice cream. At least not quite yet, he amended after taking a second look – it was obvious from the other man's body language that he wasn't entirely comfortable, or happy, with the situation, and it was as if he'd tried to close the shutters of his usually expressive eyes. Maybe I should make that two pints.

Kurt tried to keep his trepidation from being noticed though, choosing to nod and send a small smile the Brit's way.

“Adam. I'm happy to see you.”

And he really was. No matter the outcome of their meeting, Kurt would be happy – and grateful – that he'd gotten to see the other man again. He wanted to know that Adam was fine, that he'd gotten on with his life even after Kurt had screwed things up. In the end, that knowledge meant even more to Kurt than the possibility of losing some of the guilt he carried over his cowardly actions and the end of their relationship.

“Kurt.” There was a standoffish quality to Adam that Kurt had never seen before, not even when mocked by other students, and his heart ached knowing that he deserved it. “I have to say I was surprised to hear from you, and even more so when you asked to meet up. To be quite honest, up until just now I wasn't sure if I should go through with it.”

The confirmation of his suspicions shouldn't hurt so much, but yet it did. It wasn't anything he hadn't expected, or earned for that matter, but the words still made his heart sink even further in his chest.

“Well, while I understand that – and I really do – I'm happy you came. I know I could have tried to apologize through email, but it didn't feel right. I wanted – no, I needed to actually talk to you. And if you never want to see me again, I'll understand. I'm not going to lie, I want us to stay in touch, I really do, but I am going to respect your wishes here.”

It would be hard, yes, but somehow Kurt suspected all things worthwhile were. Also, considering he'd complained about others not being willing to respect his wishes, well. “Do unto others” and all that, right? Treating others the same way he himself wanted to be treated was a good way to live, Kurt knew, and it was time he did. Adam was a really good place to start.

“Not to be rude, but why should we? I was willing to try that, you know, when you got back with your ex, only I couldn't even get you to look at me. I have absolutely no desire to be someone for you to use when trying put yourself back together again. Once was enough. Actually, no – once was one time too many, but. I'm sure you get my point?”

Yeah, he got it. He got it straight into his bruised and battered heart, alright. But. As much as it hurt, Kurt felt he deserved it – and more, considering how he himself had hurt Adam. Still...

“I do. And you're absolutely right, it shouldn't have happened even once, regardless of how it was never my intention. I never meant to use you, never. I do understand how it looks though, I really do.

“And I don't expect you to be there for me again – I don't expect anything from you. I would love it if we could be friends, or even just friendly, but also know exactly how badly I screwed up. So, as I said, if you never want to talk to me again after today, I promise you that I will respect that. If that's what you want, I will do everything in my power to make sure you never have to see me again.”

And he would, no matter how little he wanted to. Because Adam deserved so much, the least of which was respect. Kurt had failed him too many times when it came to that. He refused to do so again.

“I just... I owe you, Adam. So, so much, for all you gave me. And if you want me to repay that by leaving you alone, then I will. But don't you want closure? To be able to let all that crap go? Because I do. I'm trying to get over it, and heal, but honestly? The past has a way of dragging me down, and I would love to be able to cut that loose, and just live.

“And I think that as long as I feel this guilty over what happened with you that's going to be hard. As for you, well, in your shoes? I'd want to know what the hell happened.”

Adam's mouth twisted into an unhappy, sour grimace for a second, then relaxed again.

“But I already know what happened, don't I? You lied to me, and you used me – intentionally or not, there's no other way I can take what you did – and then you went running back to your ex, like it was all a game to you.”

“It wasn't!”

“But that's what it felt like. You were happy to date me for weeks, months even, but god forbid you commit. Instead you went back home and had sex with the guy who cheated on you. Then you didn't tell me about it, not until Santana basically forced you. And yeah, sure, we weren't exclusive, as much as I wanted to be, but Kurt? Not being exclusive didn't mean it didn't hurt. Because unlike you? I was committed.

“Still, I thought 'okay, he's been burned, he doesn't mean to hurt you, it'll be fine, we'll get through this'. Because you promised me I wasn't your rebound, that you wanted to be over him, and that you wanted to try. And so I trusted you. I trusted you, only to have you go back to Ohio only to come back with an engagement ring. You didn't even have the decency to give me a heads-up, Kurt. I had to find out through others. Hell, I wasn't even lucky enough to hear the gossip. Oh no.

“All those stuck-up brats that only stopped outright mocking me to my face because you pulled rank with them? Yeah, they took great pleasure in informing me about your changed relationship status. Telling me how you'd finally decided to 'get rid of the trash' and such.”

Kurt felt sick to his stomach, not just because of his guilt but also because of the hurt and the venom in Adam's voice. He had a good idea of exactly how nasty some of them had been, and how they'd relished in hurting Adam. And it was all his fault. He'd fucked up, and while he'd certainly paid for it, Adam had suffered just as much.

“I could have dealt with you deciding to break things off with me, Kurt. I wouldn't have liked it, no, but I would have accepted it. But that's not what happened. Instead you just threw me aside, showing me less respect than you do than yesterday's paper. Not only did you start dating someone else, after telling me you weren't ready for a relationship, but you started dating the guy who treated you like crap and who you told me you didn't want to go back to. And to top it all off you agreed to marry him?

“And as if all that wasn't enough, you waited until everyone who cared to bully me had had a go before trying to talk to me yourself.

“You owed me better, Kurt. I don't care that we weren't boyfriends, that we were only dating casually, you still owed me more than that. As someone who was both in love with you and trying to be your friend, I deserved more.”

Kurt swallowed down his tears and his shame, because Adam was right. The way Kurt had acted was so beyond okay it was hard for him to understand why Adam hadn't simply just spat him in the face when Kurt had tried to talk to him – both back then and now.

It was, he acknowledged, a testament of exactly how much of a good guy Adam was.

“You're right. You deserved so, so much more, and the way I acted was deplorable. I owe you so much, the least of which is an explanation. It's just hard finding the right words. It's always been. And all of this, it's going to sound like a bunch of excuses, like me trying to shift the blame of my behavior onto others, I realize that. Just, this is the result of hours of therapy. Because yeah, I needed that.

“I've needed it for years.

“When I left for Lima it was only to be there for my dad. I had absolutely no intention of getting back with Blaine – he wasn't even on my radar. I was planning to come back and keep trying the dating thing with you. We were going somewhere, I thought, and I wanted to see where that was. I wanted to see what we could be. Because I looked at you, and I saw sunshine, and I liked that.

“And then I was back, and everything was closing up on me. Blaine was around from day one, everywhere that wasn't the hospital, and sometimes there too. And he was...familiar, I guess. And I know, that's not an excuse, or even a good explanation, but it's the truth.

“And the longer I was there, the harder it was to see past him. Past the memories connected to everywhere I went, past the memories all over my room, because I hadn't had the heart to clear them out. Past everyone telling me we'd been so good together, that we belonged together, that part of being a couple was forgiving each other for mistakes, on and on.

“Add that both Rachel and Santana, the only ones who knew you, kept comparing you and what we had to Blaine and what I had with him, and making it all negative. Not putting you down, just... Making you sound less. Making our relationship sound like a cheap knockoff, and all emotions between us like a pale copy of what love and passion was supposed to be. And I was enough of an idiot to think that they had a point.”

Adam's face closed off and he started standing up, making Kurt panic.

“Being with you didn't hurt!” he blurted out, terrified that Adam wouldn't let him explain. Then he flushed scarlet, as the people at the next table turned and looked at him.

“Adam, please...”

He blinked back tears as Adam sat down again, both grateful for it and terrified it'd be for nothing as Adam looked as close to furious as Kurt had ever seen him.

“What are you talking about, Kurt?”

“Do you know how many guys have been interested in me? The first was so deep in the closet that his response to kissing me – without my consent, by the way – was a death threat.

“The second was Blaine, and he only went for me after he got shot down by who he really wanted, and he wanted to change like 90% of who I was.

“The third was you.

“That's it. That's my romantic history.” Kurt swallowed back a lump of humiliation and old hurt, and continued.

“Between the two of them Blaine and David made love into something twisted. They probably didn't mean to, it just... It happened. My friends... They were always in relationships, but never truly healthy ones. There was always something, you know? Mike and Tina came close, I think, except for how they got together when she was still dating someone else.

“And my brother was going to marry Rachel, only on the day of the wedding instead of taking her to the town hall he took her to the train station and sent her to New York alone. And that's not healthy, that one person feel that they can make that kind of decision about the relationship. Of course, Rachel saying she was going to stay in Lima to marry Finn instead of going to NYADA was hardly healthy either.”

And then there was Kurt's stupid crush on Finn, and how twisted that had made things, and... Well. No need to drag up everything.

“I used to think they'd end up together some way in the end after all, but now... They loved each other, I know they did, but I don't know if they could ever have been healthy together.

“It took me quite a lot of therapy to realize that I'd pretty much told myself that it wasn't love if it didn't hurt. It took even more before I could say that love shouldn't hurt, that if it hurts there's something wrong. It took me months to be able to say that what you and I had was real. That the fact that it didn't hurt proved it was. That it could have been everything – if I'd only let it.”

Kurt hated how his voice broke and wavered, hated that even after all the work he'd put in to become stronger talking about how fucked up he'd been made him feel anything but strong.

“When I told you about what happened at the wedding you acted as if it was okay. The same happened when I wouldn't commit to you. You never pushed for more, never pressured me to do – or be – something else. And I took that as meaning that you didn't really care.

“Stupid, I know. But... It was what I knew. I didn't understand that allowing me to decide for myself was something you did because you cared – because you did like me, and because you liked me, not who you could make me into. I had forgotten what it was like to have my wishes respected, because to be honest no one's done that fully since my mom died.

“I didn't know how to be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't push for me to do as they wanted, not what I needed, who didn't try and make me less so that they could be the one looked up to. Some part of me expected you to take offense at me doing well, or use it to your own advantage. Not because of anything you did, but because it was what I was used to.

“I was fucked up, and I should have found a therapist a long time ago.”

Once he'd started it was as if he'd forgotten to keep things inside, and he just kept talking even though Adam looked at him as if he'd pulled of a mask, revealing himself as an alien. The doors were open, and everything was coming out.

“It wasn't just about romantic love either. My dad was a part of it too. He... I love him, I do, and I don't doubt that he loves me, but sometimes... Sometimes I need more. Sometimes I resent him for not giving me more.

“Dad never said it out loud, but I always knew I wasn't what he'd hoped for in a son. Parts of me, yes, but me as a whole? Never. And that made me feel as if I had to earn his love, and acceptance. It drove me into doing all kinds of things I wasn't really into, in the hope that he'd be happy.

“I learned basic mechanic skills to please dad, I watched shows that made me so bored I wanted to cry, I hid things I loved, I gave up ballet, I tried out for the football team, I tried dating a girl... All so that dad would approve. Not just of my interests, but of me.”

Saying those things hurt, because Kurt really did love his dad, and criticizing him was hard. But, they were all true, and holding back had never helped. Quite the opposite, I'd say.

“After mom died I kind of got into a mindset of doing whatever it took to keep dad – in every way. Turns out, that also meant accepting a marriage proposal because dad thought I should. I remember coming out to him, and how scared I was, because I knew that his love wasn't unconditional. I knew that I was most likely going to disappoint him, and that he might love me less for not continuing to pretend I was 'normal'. And I would have, only I felt like it was killing me. I was scared that I would lose my dad by being honest, but I was even more scared that I would lose the will to live if I wasn't.

“And then when he told me he knew, and continued to tell me he loved me even after, I was so grateful that I ignored all the warning signs. Dad loved – loves – me despite being gay, and having to accept that breaks my heart.”

“Dad hated the idea of me dating in New York, and since I never told him any of the bad things about my relationship with Blaine he thought we had been good. He liked the idea of me only being with one boy – it was the next best thing to me staying single and celibate until I turned 30 or something, you know?

“So when we broke up, and I told him it was because we couldn't do long distance, well, dad never expected us to stay broken up. He figured it was just us being young and that we'd get back together once Blaine was in New York if not before.”

It had been so obvious, or should have been, that this had been the reasoning behind Burt bringing Blaine with him to New York over Christmas. Helping the two of them reconnect. Kurt avoided even thinking about the possibility that his dad would have pushed for him to get back with Blaine even if he'd known the whole truth, but he could tell that Adam was thinking something along those lines.

“For some reason dad thought that me getting married to Blaine was a good idea, and somehow I took that as me having to do just that. As me having to repay dad's acceptance with compliance.”

He choked out the words, feeling as if his life depended on no longer holding them in. And, miracle of all miracles, Adam reached over and rested his hand on Kurt's arm in a gesture of support. Only for a few seconds, but it felt like everything Kurt could ever have asked for.

His next words came out in a whisper.

“Sometimes I wonder if me not telling dad the truth about all the ugliness in my life was because deep down I didn't trust him with it. Didn't trust him to side with me, instead of saying I deserved it for being myself.

“The same goes for the ugliness in my relationship with Blaine. I didn't tell dad, because subconsciously I didn't expect him to take my side. He... Well. Let's just say he doesn't have the best track-record when it comes to taking my side against other guys.

“And when it came down to it, he didn't this time either. When I broke off the engagement my dad immediately sided with Blaine. He didn't even stop to listen to me, or consider my wishes. In the end that was what drove me out of New York. Not Blaine stalking me, or all my friends siding with him, but my dad's failure to support me and trust that I had good reasons for my choice.”

Bringing it up still hurt so much, even after all the therapy he'd had, and Kurt knew that just a month ago he would not have been able to to have this conversation, to lay himself this bare in front of Adam.

Burt Hummel had failed as a dad, utterly and completely, and that hurt more than anything. More than his friends failing him. More than Blaine betraying him. It was almost as painful as losing Finn.

Almost, but not quite, because while it felt like Kurt had lost his dad just as brutally as he'd lost his brother, at least Burt was still alive. The option to mend the fences some day was still there.

“Anyway, that's not an excuse, just like none of it is, but it's part of why I had such a hard time believing fully in you. Having a stranger be that accepting and supportive when my blood couldn't be bothered? It had to be fake. It had to be, because I couldn't deal with what it said about my life if it wasn't. It wasn't fair to you, and you deserved so much better, but that's how it was.”

“I'm not saying we ignore everything that's happened, and just go back to dating like I never went back to Lima and got stupid. Like I didn't hurt you. I know we can't do that. Not only would it be impossible, but it also wouldn't be healthy.” He should know – he had, after all, done exactly that with Blaine. “Too much has happened, and we're not the same. At least, I'm not, and I don't really think you are either.

“But could we start again? Could we try? Because Adam, I know it was my fault, but I'm not ready to lose you. I miss you. I want you in my life. You're one of the best people I've ever met. You're someone I'd be honored to call my friend.”

Kurt almost stopped there, almost allowed fear to keep him quiet. He'd come too far though, and something told him that unless he put all his cards on the table now he'd come to regret it.

“I'm not going to lie. I'd love for us to be more than friends again – would love it if you gave me a chance to love you, because I could. So easily.

“And if you're willing to try, again, if you're willing to trust me with your heart? This time? This time I'm ready. This time I'm free to move on, to commit. It would be just the two of us, no ghosts, if you're willing to give me a chance even though I haven't deserved it.”

Kurt held his breath, impatient for an answer and scared of one at the same time. Seconds ticked by and became a minute, then two and three, and Kurt's heart sank. Maybe he was too late. Maybe he'd misread Adam, again, and all this was just about closure to the other man.

You know you had to try though. Even if nothing comes of it, you hadto. The inner whisper came, as it occasionally did these days, in Finn's voice, and Kurt listened. You had to do this for your sake, because you'd never have been truly free otherwise, but most of all? You needed to do this for him. Either way you'll be fine, little brother. You know you will. You're strong enough to stand on your own if you have to.

He was broken out of his musings by Adam drawing a shaky breath, then speaking, voice a little wavering with emotion.

“Hi. My name is Adam.”

“Hi, Adam. I'm Kurt. It's a pleasure meeting you. I don't want to be too forward, but you seem like a really amazing guy. Would you like to meet up for a cup of tea some day? Maybe catch a movie?”

And as Adam met his smile with one of his own, almost as brilliant as the ones from before, Kurt felt his heart burst with joy and the soft hum of a triumphant melody rise in his soul.

See? I told you you'll be fine. Love doesn't have to hurt, little brother. Not when you do it right. He'll show you, just you see.

~ The End ~

#chocoholic fics #ead #ead 2024 #evil author day #glee #kurt hummel #adam crawford #kadam #doesn't hurt at all 'verse

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