#I once found myself distraught because I was attracted to a “nice” character

[evilejfan]

Franco is NOT a victim.I think you all saw that one post. Franco is not a victim, no one forced him to murder those innocent women. He did it for his own pleasure. Yes, he had a bad childhood, but a character's bad past is used to explain why they're like that and not used as a justification for their actions.

This should be OBVIOUS.

Those women he killed were already struggling with life, they were sex workers who were looked down upon that time and still are. Defending Franco and saying that those women deserved it, or dismissing his actions just shows that you are misogynistic.

I don't care that it's fictional. You are misogynistic.

"All male characters are victims and all female characters are bitches" that's how you sound like. Franco was abused by MEN in his life, women did nothing to him, he chose to murder them."He didn't know any better!" He is not a LITTLE BABY! He is a grown ass man canonically in his late 20s. He is very aware of his actions and knows that it's wrong. I can't believe we have to have this discussion in 2024. Just because he's a fictional character doesn't mean you can freely support his actions, his actions are not fictional and they happened in real life A LOT.

Ummm I'm not sure why I got this? I don't believe I have ever supported Franco's actions. If you are referring to the post about supporting people who fetishize his character then allow me to elaborate. It's a fictional character and just a game. Folks have always taken problematic characters, sliced off what they don't like and loved the rest. Does it make that right? Not exactly, but it doesn't make it wrong either.

I am positive that many people who adore Franco Barbi are appalled by the majority of his behavior. And being attracted to someone like that does not mean you support or condone that behavior. It's a sticky wicket and a personal dichotomy that I have fought for years.

I understand that his actions are lethal in the real world. But people who engage in fantasy about "bad boys" are desperately trying to escape the real world. People love a bastard. Not everything has to be a lesson.

[lady-star-strings]

DNF/Georgebur PotO & LND AU

Okay, to begin with, thank you so so much for giving me the chance to blab about this @dtvibez because I’ve always wanted to work with this AU, but I’ve just never had the characters to do it with and my musical nerd heart is thriving right now. Alright, anywhodilydo, geek-out over, let’s get into it - just a warning kiddos, this is gonna be a long one so strap in and hold on...

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Roles

To start off, let’s address the roles here for how I believe these plots would fit best with the characters involved - it’s purely up to individual interpretation, but these are my thoughts as an in-depth lover of these musicals.

Obviously, our dear George is the leading lady Christine Daae in this story, that was pretty much a given - let’s just be honest here guys, he’s the simp-bait through and through and if that wasn’t Christine, I don’t know what was. Meg - Christine’s friend - and her mother Madame Giry I’m going to combine and make Fundy for reasons I shall disclose later in this post, and Sapnap will have a role to discuss later down the line too, just lemme get there. Now as for the love interests, I can easily say that Eric/The Phantom is Dream and Raoul is Wilbur in this situation. Some of you might be questioning why it wouldn’t be switched because Raoul was her childhood friend and Eric was a gifted musician, but I have answers for you ahead on that, don’t you worry~ ;)

Phantom of the Opera Arc

After studying under Dream - or the Nightmare of the Opera as people prefer to call him - for years to be the star singer he was always destined to be, George is finally granted the chance to do so when some strings are pulled behind the scenes to give him a leading role in an opera. There isn’t anything George wouldn’t do for his Angel of Music after giving him such a chance at success, and Dream is practically preening with pride over how astounding his Georgie has turned out to be. Before Dream can whisk George away in triumph, however, his childhood friend Wilbur shows up out of the blue to shower him in praise and remind him of the puppy love they shared as children before George moved to the opera house. George is smitten with nostalgia, to say the least - it’s nice to put a face to the affection for once.

Needless to say, Dream is hardly pleased with this turn of events and actively tries to keep George not only away from Wilbur, but also to himself because George is quite literally all he has in the world - not even his music can compare to how much George means to him. Of course, the way he goes about this is hardly morally right and only serves to drive George further and further away from him and into Wilbur’s arms as a safe haven from all of the horrors. In the end, though, even after so much heartbreak and all the terrible things Dream’s done to keep him hostage as his muse and love, George finds it in his heart to forgive him for being how the world made him to be and genuinely offers to give up his freedom if it means he won’t be alone in that darkness anymore and Wilbur won’t die.

As expected, Dream realizes he really can’t do that George when it comes down to it - he simply loves him too much to force him to stay if it means he’d wind up hating him for it in the end. He’d rather let him be free and live the life he’s been dreaming of with Wilbur than have him stay and live the rest of his life resenting him. Even so, George is surprisingly hesitant to leave and can only offer to return the wedding ring Dream gifted him as a final goodbye and a silent show of his remaining love for him before he let’s him go in return and goes off with Wilbur. Following that night, Dream disappears from the opera house altogether, never to be heard from again...

Love Never Dies Arc - *SPOILERS*

...Or so the story goes in Paris 10 years ago. Little did anyone know, Fundy actually helped Dream steal away from the opera house when the mobs came searching for him and was unyieldingly by his side as they made their way to America for a fresh start. Once there, Dream - with a little seedy behind-the-scenes help from Fundy - founded a successful side show on Coney Island where he and others like him such as Sapnap and Punz - Miss Fleck and Dr. Gangle - are able to live freely and are treated with respect for their unique traits. Fundy has actually taken to training under Dream to be a successful singer in his own right with a well-known show in the attraction, his only goal to gain Dream’s favor and hopefully prove he’s able to replace George in his life. Dream unsurprisingly has no interest in anything of the sort and still actively mourns the loss of his muse - not even his music brings him joy anymore because it only reminds him of what could’ve been, and Fundy will never be his Georgie despite how much he insists otherwise.

But Dream is a clever thing, and he winds up securing a contract for George - who is now married to Wilbur and is raising a 10-year-old son with him - to come perform at the side show for one last performance. George takes the contract with little to no thought as to the odd pseudonym on the paperwork because Wilbur has lost himself to gambling and alcohol over the years, and they’re desperate for money to survive. At first, George is irate and somewhat heartbroken to learn that Dream’s been alive after all these years, especially after how their lives have turned out following the one night of passion they shared before he disappeared. He admits he still loved Dream when he left and would’ve gone with him, but because he thought they couldn’t be happy and left without him, that ship has long since sailed. They both wish things could have been different, but also accept that what happened happened and all they can do now is move forward with the choices they’ve made.

Much to everyone’s immense shock, though, George’s son is actually Dream’s and not Wilbur’s - a fact which Dream deduces on his own after connecting the dots between his age and musical prowess. Unfortunately, the child is terrified of Dream’s true face just as George once was and after getting the truth confirmed about the child’s real parentage, he begs for him to never know. George ultimately blames himself for what’s happened, and although he can’t take back not telling Dream of their child and the fear said child feels toward him, he swears to perform for him one last time to make up for it before they return to Paris to avoid hurting him further. Meanwhile, Dream vows everything he’s worth in the world to be the child’s once he’s gone even if he can’t be his father, and Fundy isn’t happy to hear that in the slightest because he will have nothing after all the sacrifice he’s made for Dream. All of the sleazy deals and late nights in his dressing room plying people for Dream’s success, and he will get nothing - his mind is just too fragile to face that reality at this point without doing something rash.

Naturally, Wilbur has no clue about any of this at first and makes a drunken deal with Dream regarding George - if George sings for him, he and the child will stay with Dream and Wilbur will leave. If George doesn’t sing, he and the child will leave with Wilbur with all of their debts wiped away as not to burden their family further with his problems. Wilbur then proceeds to try his best to convince George to stay with him by using nostalgia yet again since he now knows who the child belongs to as well, but in the end, George realizes that although he may have loved Wilbur at one time, his love for Dream transcends all that and has never once wavered despite everything they’ve been through. Throughout everything, Dream has always been there waiting for him and wants nothing more than for George and their child to have the life they deserve - Wilbur lost all of that a long time ago. George makes his choice, and Wilbur leaves as promised with the acceptance that he while no longer makes George happy, Dream does and he’ll take care of him - but the child, however, leaves with a distraught Fundy seeking to “right his problems.”

They manage to catch up to Fundy in time to avoid disaster, but not completely as he still views George as the reason he could never be happy with Dream and winds up fatally shooting him in the midst of a mental breakdown. Dream can do nothing but hold George - the man he loved and was finally loved by in return  - as it’s revealed to the child who his real father is, only for him to flee the scene in horror of the truth. For once, Dream is at a loss for what to do because there isn’t any more time for them to have their happy ending and he hasn’t any idea what to do about their child without George. In his dying moments, George soothingly reminds him of one simple fact: Love never dies, and the best thing he can do is just live and give everything he can for both himself and the child now as all they have is each other. With a final kiss, George slips away and a sobbing Dream is left cradling his body when the child and Wilbur - who he ran to find to help George after he was shot - arrive on the scene. 

Dream isn’t cruel. He understands how Wilbur must feel in the same situation, so he allows him to mourn the loss of George in his own way with the child as he contemplates whether or not he can continue on. While he debates what to do with himself, the child slowly comes to him unafraid and willing to face the man he now knows to be his father in a new light. In his eyes, Dream can see George, and that’s more than enough for him to stay just a little longer in the world.

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Sorry if that’s a lot to process and read through, but it was a lot to get out and I wanted to be crystal clear on things as not to confuse people. This is for the most part just hitting the main plot points of the musicals, however, tweaking and adjustments and further deep-dive analyses can be done now that I’ve gotten the main idea out of the way. I definitely don’t want to stick too strictly to it myself and want to tailor it more to the SMP events and characters, but I’ll save that for later since it’s already super late and I should be writing my fic instead.

Happy writing kiddos, thank you for letting me indulge myself with this concept and I hope you enjoyed it~ <3

[fountainpenguin]

Question Meme: (Ignore this if you don't want to answer all these....) 1, 2, 3, 28, 31, 33, 40 (sorry i couldn't pick one)

40 Questions For ‘Fic Writers Meme

#1 - Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.

Gradual character development spread across a piece with deepened, believable worldbuilding. You know, I often say I’m not into romance, but here’s the thing: A nice long, serious slow burn does a person good. I’ll happily accept romance if an author can really get me into the minds of the characters and make me want their relationship to develop as much as the characters do.

It’s shallow romance that rubs me the wrong way. Give me two characters who honestly, truly care about each other to the point where they’ll sacrifice something they love, or even be willing to let each other ago if it means the one they love will be happy. I love that. But if you’ve got one character who will pitch a fit rather than let their love be happy with someone else, you’re really working uphill with me.

Worldbuilding doesn’t have to be as deep and complex as my ‘fics tend to get, but I do love to see how different authors expand the same world in different ways. I’m not a big fan of horror and for some reason I just can’t get into sci-fi. I enjoy fantasy and biology.

Really, I love anything that doesn’t contradict canon. AUs? Eh, sometimes, but they’re not my favorite. I like behind-the-scenes, between-the-lines, believable futures, and backstory pieces with some nice worldbuilding. And some complex characters who don’t always make the best choices and then have to suffer the consequences for their actions. Yes. ‘Fics like those are very nice.

#2 - Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

A queerplatonic relationship that’s happy, healthy, and long-lasting. You would think I would let my aro/ace children be happy, but alas, ‘tis not to be! You could say I like to squash zucchinis. I am self-projecting my own insecurities. I made Bennett a horrible person to show the “worst possible relationship with an aro/ace who wants a sexless marriage” so that the hopes and dreams of the other aro/ace characters look more reasonable by comparison. I do that a lot.

Okay, I lied. I can think of six “official” queerplatonic relationships we will see in my FOP works, and one of them actually does have a happy ending. I mean, probably. I haven’t written it yet, so who knows?

Spoiler alert: Mario and Peach are the OTQP and I’m going to milk it. What can I say? I call ‘em like I see ‘em and canon literally gave us a plumber who’ll collect 120 Power Stars in return for cake, and a princess who turned down his hand in marriage after all the times he’s rescued her, but adores him anyway.

#3 - Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole?

“We pretend to hate each other but secretly we’re both in love and will one day in the heat of the moment spontaneously confess our romantic feelings and form a mutual, caring relationship without any further character development.”

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a very serious, honest, straightforward person (being INTJ and all), or if it’s because I’m asexual, or if it’s a combination of both (or neither), but I can’t stand huge plots about people refusing to admit that they like someone. Love has always been a logical thing to me. I was sixteen before I found out sexual attraction was a real thing. I don’t really understand it, but I guess it’s possible to have physical feelings for someone even if you don’t logically want to? And you can’t stop yourself or turn it off? I honestly don’t know how that works, which is why the “I wish I wasn’t physically attracted to you” trope has infuriated me since childhood. I just didn’t get it.

Even before I realized I was asexual, I would have discussions with my mom about how if I ever had a crush, I would openly admit this to my friends if they asked. I wouldn’t protest or deny, as I see so many media characters do. Then it turned out I’m incapable of feeling physical attraction and I get friendship squishes instead of romantic crushes, so that happened.

As a general rule of thumb, you should trust the characters I write if they say they aren’t attracted to someone. If they like someone, they’ll tell you so. If they don’t, they’ll tell you that too. And if they’re confused, then it will be very clear that they’re confused. No means no. I’m very strict about that. Don’t read into it looking for signs that they’re being secretive even to the reader. They are not. I emotionally cannot bring myself to do that.

#28 - Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

Oooh. I’m going to say that Shaddic takes the cake on this one. If you’re a Total Drama fan, or even if you’re not, then “Daddy’s Characters” will break you deliciously like very few fanfics will. “Before and After” is just a step behind it. The emotion captured by these ‘fics is incredible, and I highly, highly recommend them if you’re into evil villains who are undeniably and yet realistically cruel. Both ‘fics revolve around Mike and his multiple personalities (“Daddy’s Characters” revolving around adult Mike and Zoey, married with a daughter and with twins on the way, coping with something horrid that lands a distraught Mike in prison, and “Before and After” being the trauma-filled childhood backstory ‘fic). 

Shaddic characterized everyone perfectly. So horribly, painfully well. Ugggh, I love it. My gallery has Identity Theft on the way, which will revolve around Foop and Hiccup and some multiple personality trauma, but it won’t be as beautiful as Shaddic’s work. They’re honestly worth a read if you ever have the time one day, even if you aren’t a Total Drama fan. You really don’t need to know the show to enjoy them. And enjoy them (and suffer) you will. In all my years, I’ve never seen an evil villain portrayed so… villainously. Love it.

I’m also a fan of SelanPike- partially for sentimental reasons, I suppose. I remember reading her Mario ‘fics over and over eight years ago, and I still read them today on a regular basis. Crazy how time flies. They’re just ones that I love going back to. As most of you know, I tend to fall in love with background characters. Fawful, Kamek, and Doopliss fit those qualifications- and coincidentally, those three are Selan’s favorites too! Technically, it’s because of her that the 130 Prompts project came to be. I always loved her 100 one-shot challenge, and that’s sort of how I eventually decided to write my own.

I really admire Selan for her characterizations. Her Kamek portrayal is my all-time favorite. So is her Fawful, her Doopliss, her Bowser, her Bowser Jr, her E. Gadd… she’s just a master of character. Even her freaking Jojora is spot-on. I mean, talk about background characters, am I right? Ha. Her writing is excellent and she has some fun plots. I always enjoyed drinking up her fanart and reading her comics on her deviantArt too. Still do. She has such a fun, bouncy art style. Her 8-page comic about Fawful attending school in the Mushroom Kingdom after Kamek hits him with the truant officer threat gets me every time.

I highly recommend “Until Tomorrow” (Her post-“Superstar Saga” ‘fic about Kamek and Fawful attempting to revive Cackletta so Kamek can kick her butt in a magic fight and Fawful can get the mother figure he refuses to call his mother figure back), and her famous ‘fic “On My Own” (about Fawful coping with Cackletta’s death and eventually working his way up the Koopa Kingdom social ladder). “Fragmented Spectrum” is a wonderful, tense, horror-ish ‘fic as well, with my absolute favorite Bowser Jr. portrayal. Plus, I love the rivalry between Kamek and Fawful seen in “F.S.” with Fawful trying to draw magic circles that he decided must be 100% perfect to count as circles, and Kamek not even knowing how to deal with him and his technology brain. Beautiful. 

Check out the rest of her gallery too. Her two FFN fandoms are Mario and Invader Zim. She isn’t active there anymore, but her ‘fics are worth the read. I will say that I’m not a fan of her ‘fic “Everything You Ever” because I feel that Cackletta was way too sweet and nice for an evil villain in that one. But then again, I haven’t read it in years, so who knows. I’m not crazy about Selan’s Peach portrayal either, but that’s where my third recommendation comes in.

GuardianM1234 is a recent discovery of mine, and she does not disappoint. I’m a big fan of her ongoing ‘fic “Smoke” (which updates twice a month right now and is nearing its climax). It’s basically the story of Peach and Bowser growing up, and the development of their relationship from being fairly friendly as children to their complex relationship as adults. I’ve never seen Peach portrayed so perfectly, and I adore her. Never thought I would, but I do. Guardian also has a very unique take on Mario that’ll really make you squirm.

I love Guardian’s writing because she pits characters in emotionally-difficult situations and lets them learn and grow. They make bad choices, but she demonizes no one. Not even Bowser. Plus, Bowser has a little sideplot with Clawdia going on (the canon mother of the Koopalings if you know your deep hidden lore, though since the Koopalings were recently ruled “not Bowser’s children” by Nintendo’s “official” canon, I don’t know if she will be their mother in “Smoke” or where Guardian is taking this ‘fic). Basically, what I’m saying is, Clawdia and Bowser roastfest. Be there. They crack me up. And Guardian’s TOADSWORTH is perfection. Please give that old boy his gossip.

Plus, Daisy takes Bowser shopping for wedding dresses once and he bribes her with a six-pack of soda. Nice, short chapters with a few pleasant hints of worldbuilding slipped in, and a LOT of character. Guardian is still somewhat new to fanfiction, but she’s very sweet and she would adore some reviews if you do read her work. If you love her stuff, give her a shout-out! She’s great.

#31 - Do you take liberties with canon or are you very strict about your fic being canon compliant?

I fall halfway between this one. The answer is, sort of both! For my main fandoms, I have one rule: I don’t contradict canon, unless canon contradicted itself and I was forced to pick a side. Origin gets so deep into biology and Knots into culture that they feel more like original works than fanfics sometimes, because I’ll flesh things out as much as I want to. So that’s sort of a liberty I take with canon. But I never contradict canon if I don’t have to. I always comply.

It’s a puzzle. I love connecting dots behind the scenes. I love forcing everything that’s canon to be canon, even if it looks like it contradicted itself. If I can solve a plot hole, I try to. I will make ridiculous backbends to fit colorful Anti-Fairy eyes, Crocker’s ebb and flow of wealth, Miss Idaho’s “rare genetic condition that prevents her from aging,” Mary Alice Doombringer’s random abilities, and Girlfriend the cat’s sentience into Riddleverse canon, and I’ll love every second of it. I only cut a piece of canon out if I feel like I absolutely have to. It’s fun.

I can definitely enjoy reading ‘fics that stray from canon, and might even write them on occasion. But the reason why I write fanfics is because I loved the canon and I want to see it expanded, not taken away. I’d like to publish my original works someday, so if I’m not sticking close to source material, why would I write a fanfic that I could publish as an original work instead? 

For the same reasons, I’d rather read a fanfic that expands on canon than eliminates it. When I fall in love with something, I fall in love with its world. I like ‘fics that blend worldbuilding aspects in with the plot they’re writing, even if it’s a short one-shot. I don’t love reading something that feels like its writer just inserted the names of popular characters into their otherwise original work so that people would read it. I want to have the little details and feel convinced that these are the characters (and the world) that I love. Personal preference.

In some cases, I default to realism over canon, such as by giving Cosmo the ability to recognize faces. In my psychology classes, I’ve learned that sometimes during investigations, police will show pictures to people and ask them to select the face that matches the one they were shown earlier. People pretending to be mentally handicapped in some way will often get the answers wrong on purpose in an attempt to maintain their facade, while those who are actually mentally handicapped will get them right. Just a nitpicky thing I do.

So I often favor realism over canon in certain ways, even if it possibly contradicts canon a bit. I respect canon and try to stay true to it as much as possible because I enjoy doing so, but I don’t consider myself 100% beholden to it, especially considering how many different contributors there can be to a project over the years. I do my best, but enjoying what I write comes first.

#33 - How do you feel about crack?

I can enjoy the occasional way-out-there thing, but I prefer serious stories in general.

#40 - Write an alternative ending to [insert fic title] (or just the summary of one).

Well, you didn’t give me a ‘fic you wanted to see an alternate ending to, but I do have a few short pieces I can share. You see, the “That Was Then” Prompt (the Jay Rhoswen and his studies about Anti-Fairies one) wasn’t supposed to end the way it did. Here is how it was meant to go:

Rhoswen scooted back hand over hand along the counter, his feet skittering in the vapor. What in the name of dust was he doing? He shouldn’t be looking at his wife’s counterpart more than at his wife! He shouldn’t be having these sorts of thoughts at all!

Anti-Shylinda placed her palms to his cheeks and gazed into his eyes. “No talk,” she whispered, and when she leaned forward, those burning lips closed over his.

As for whether that Seelie Courter chose to kiss the anti-fairy back once she’d started to draw away? Well… You ought to look to the term “Rhoswen syndrome” to answer that.

I didn’t like the idea of Anti-Shylinda being the one to make moves on Jay, so I scrapped it. Not only that, but the whole piece is written as snippets from Rhoswen’s journal now, so the voice here no longer fit the narrative.

At the end of the first chapter of Frayed Knots, “String Theory”, Anti-Cosmo cuts off the tips of his ears. I was originally going to expand the scene as follows:

Blood spattered the floor. With a hiss through my teeth, I withdrew the knife and dabbed the blood up with my sleeve. The stone might stain.

Recalculating, I dragged my stool over to the sink. The angle was awkward, but at least my blood would wash easily away. There, I slit off the tip of my ear, cutting carefully around my first canetis ring. Then I mirrored the action on the other side. Both rings bounced across the stone with a clink, click, clatter.

I uncurled my tongue and set the knife aside. Then I took the severed tips of my ears and held them to my head again. It took three agonizing minutes, but the smoke that filled my veins stretched out and wound around my fingers. It absorbed my ears and pressed them into place again. Full, soft, and whole. I fingered the gashes mother’s piercing clamp had left behind. Apparently, even regeneration couldn’t heal injuries left by an unenchanted tool. Useful information to know.

The canetis rings disappeared into my pocket. Then I got up and pushed open the window. I took a running start, dove out, and unfurled my wings.

However, I kind of liked leaving the chapter on the cliffhanger of “Oh my gosh, what did he just do to himself???” I also couldn’t include a sink in the castle in a time period when there is no indoor plumbing. Then I decided that I would rather give Anti-Cosmo permanent gashes in his ears he had caused himself, rather than ones caused by his mother, to always remind him (and everyone around him) of that day he stood against Anti-Fairy tradition. Kind of a shame to delete the scene since I like how it gave us information about smoke and Anti-Fairy healing right from the start. I might recycle it later.

Actually, if we’re talking about the original version of Knots, everything was supposed to be different than what it was. Here is another deleted scene that was originally planned to be the opening scene of Knots:

“Mum, I’m nine and a half minutes old. I’m not a baby anymore. Come on, please? You let Anti-Robin leave home to get his wand when he was only three!”

“You weren’t even born yet. How can you possibly know that?”

“He told me about thirty seconds ago, right before you came in here.” I grabbed my mother’s skirt in two tiny fists. “Mum, I’m going to be the only pup in the colony without a wand. What about our image?”

She wavered visibly, running her thumb along her staff. “Well…”

Father peered over his spectacles and frowned. “Now, wait just a minute here, Anti-Florensa. He’s just a pup. You can’t send him into the woods to gather the materials for his first wand all by himself.”

“But it has always been our family’s tradition,” she sniffed. “It’s not as though he’ll die. On the contrary, I’m more concerned about him killing valuable plants with his acid. Anti-Cosmo, you’re drooling again.”

I wiped my mouth. “Sorry, Mum.”

I really loved the “I’m nine and a half minutes old- I’m not a baby anymore!” idea, especially since there aren’t many times when you’ll have the chance to use it. As you can see, Frayed Knots was going to begin with baby Anti-Cosmo leaving his manor home alone to obtain his first wand. 

But overall, in the end, I decided that it was more important to show the importance of smoke in Anti-Fairy culture, and we ended up with the scene we have now. Also, I really wanted Anti-Cosmo to grow up never knowing who his father was until several years after Anti-Robin had died, which meant I had to scrap or replace this scene in some way anyway.

The “Mama’s Boy” Prompt was actually written with the manor idea in mind, and I believe Anti-Florensa even uses the word “manor” in it. I added an author’s note to that piece several months ago mentioning that “Mama’s Boy” is semi-canon for now until Frayed Knots is finalized. A lot has changed.

Some other deleted scenes from the early plans of “Anti-Cosmo lives with his family in a manor near the Castle, and they are nobles but not royalty” include:

“I got something for you, kiddo.” Anti-Robin flicked an aluminum medal across the table that read #2 Son. I grinned.

“This is for me? Thanks! I love it!”

He tilted down his glasses. “You say, ‘Thank you, Father, for this generous gift.’”

I repeated the words, and he tousled my hair. “Now, go do second son things.”

“Yes, sir! I will! Thank you, Father!” With the medal swinging from my neck, I trotted happily off.

and

I clung to the frame of his office door, beating my wings to keep myself from staggering forward. I knew better than to cross the threshold, even though there was nothing I wanted more in the universe right then than to throw my arms around his waist and squeeze him in a hug. The bruise Mother had left on my arm hurt even more now than it did in the kitchen, somehow. My eyes slid back and forth across his desk.

“Where are you going?”

Anti-Robin calmly placed another folded shirt inside the suitcase. “Back to Anti-Scarlett’s.”

“With your other family?” I asked. “With her kids, Anti-Xavier and Anti-Tom?”

“Yes.”

“Why can’t I come with you? I want to meet them.”

“It’s a dad thing.” He closed the suitcase with two clicks and turned around. His eyes were steely calm, his frown very firm. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

and

“ELEANOR!”

Anti-Robin and I grabbed our mouths and looked at each other, gaping with our eyes. Mother was over 150,000 years old. Her real name wasn’t supposed to be said out loud.

Father slammed a newspaper on the table, then stepped back and crossed his arms. “Might I inquire what the meaning of this is, ‘dear’?”

“Whatever do you mean?” she asked, not looking up from the end of her staff. She studied its base, then ran her polish rag across it again.

“Anti-Bryndin had the green fairy locked up, and I know you’re behind it.”

So, don’t feel too sad that Anti-Cosmo grows up without a dad in my works! It wouldn’t have been the best relationship anyway. Besides that, now that I’ve had time to think about it, this Anti-Robin portrayal isn’t that far off Ambrosine, and I’d rather H.P. and Anti-Cosmo had fathers with very different personalities.

If you have a really sharp memory, you may possibly remember seeing that medal around Anti-Cosmo’s neck when I drew my late-night FOP/Moana doodle dump that one time.

I also have oodles of scenes deleted from Anti-Cosmo’s visit to Winkleglint’s estate, since originally Scarletfeather was supposed to show up and Anti-Cosmo panicked when he couldn’t stop Scarletfeather from luring Mr. Thimble away. I could have filled another entire chapter with what happened during that study abroad week, but in the end I decided they were mostly self-indulgent and not important enough in the grand scheme of things to justify leaving in.

I’m skimming through my files of deleted scenes and I forgot I had this one too. Anti-Cosmo wasn’t supposed to have his intelligence test proctored by Ambrosine originally, as I was going to send him to this mental hospital facility. I decided against it, but here is a terrifying scene that we almost got. So, it’s technically an alternative ending too:

Dr. Gabriel handed me a piece of bark marked with the word Failed. “Don’t get cocky. Everyone has their limits.”

Failed? That lout outright failed me? I dropped the bark strip and looked up as Dr. Gabriel spread his wings. With a few sharp beats, he flew out of the pit. I chased after him, searching the platform above me with my eyes. So I couldn’t fly, and I was short, but I could make that leap-

“Oof!”

Or… perhaps not. I slid back down to the floor and landed on my rump. Never one to be deterred, I leaped back to my feet. Something to boost me, something to boost me… Oh! Snatching up his forgotten broom, I backed against the opposite wall, and then ran forward. I shoved the handle of the broom into the corner offered by the platform and the floor and launched myself into the air. Yes! Yes! Ahahaha! I hurtled out of the pit and went rolling across the ground. Dr. Gabriel spun around, his mouth falling open in surprise.

“Please,” I begged him, climbing to my feet again. My broken wings batted feebly behind me. “I want to gain a Fairy education. Level with me, doctor. You don’t want Anti-Fairies filling up your precious conservative school. And I don’t want Anti-Fairies filling it up either. True, we Anti-Fairies are known for our memories, but I like to feel special, and I shouldn’t want to chance anyone stealing my thunder away from me. You let me in, and I won’t breathe a word about your biases against my people.”

Dr. Gabriel studied me with idle coldness, clutching his tablets to his chest. He drifted a few steps backwards along the corridor. “Anti-Cosmo, your genius is entirely creative. You’re severely behind in your knowledge of technical skills, and you lack basic common sense as well as a sense of self-preservation. Because of this, we can’t recommend you be placed in any advanced programs. You’ll need to stay where you’re at.”

The corners of my mouth twisted into a frown. Then a sneer. “Frankly, Dr. Gabriel, I’m not particularly fond of that option.”

With that, I yanked out the can of forget-a-cin I’d nicked from his pouch when he’d been turned the other way. Dr. Gabriel had time to look horrified before I mashed the button down. My eyes were squeezed shut, but even so, the world around me lit with white. I let the empty canister fall to the floor and opened my eyes again to find the nervous fairy glancing around in bewilderment.

“There,” I said. “I’ve just put a block over this memory of yours. I do hope no one else would care to challenge me, or I will be forced to perform the same trick on them. Now, I demand that you, good sir, will have me enrolled in all the classes of my choosing. Is that understood?”

Dr. Gabriel’s wandering eyes finally latched onto me. His shoulders shivered, although he possibly didn’t remember why. He bobbed a bit lower in the air. Then his wings fell silent altogether, and he leaned his back against the wall. He slid down to the floor. “S-security! Security?”

His voice was too weak for anyone who wasn’t an Anti-Fairy to hear. I sighed. Covering my eyes again, I made a signal with my other hand. “Oh, dear. I do apologize. I really never do this, you must understand. It’s so messy.”

If he hadn’t been so hazy from the aftereffects of the forget-a-cin, I’m sure Dr. Gabriel wouldn’t have let me get away with as much as he did. As it happened, I walked right up to him and lay my claw against the karmic pouch on the left side of his neck. He yelped, but I knocked his clumsy hands away from me without any real effort. I braced my hand against my hip.

“I really never do this. It’s vile and crude. So sorry, I really am. But then again, well, perhaps I’m really not.” And with that, I sunk my fangs into his neck. Blech. He tasted of old mutton.

Dr. Gabriel screamed. He twisted, his shoulders rapidly seizing up. I rolled my eyes and kept my fangs embedded until his coughs turned to silence and he had frozen in place, as still as a stone statue. Only then did I wrench back my head, bringing the coils of his karmic weave along with me. Most of them were blue, but here and there a pink one surfaced, or a yellow. As the colourful threads of his life whisked above us, I stood back and traced one claw beneath my eye.

“Anti-Fairy tears consist mainly of sulfuric acid, of course. And I daresay you hurt my feelings quite a bit back there, didn’t you?”

Forcing myself to cry came as naturally as forcing myself not to cry always had. I captured the burning tear on the end of my claw and, very slowly, held it out towards the paralyzed fairy sitting against the wall. For several long seconds, I let him see it glistening there. Threatening to drip down on the place where I had bitten him. Which was still bleeding.

“I never do this,” I said again, truthfully apologetic. “It’s messy and you’ll be rather cross when you wake up, assuming you wake again at all. But it is true that I am crying, and here you are, lying so very still. We’re standing rather close, aren’t we? So close that I could touch you.”

Lacking the ability to move, all Dr. Gabriel could do was sit numbly, his mouth gaping. I lowered my claw towards his neck.

“But it’s only a single tear, isn’t it? Why should a fairy care if he made an anti-fairy child cry? No, a single tear cannot hurt your conscience. A single tear may sting your skin, perhaps, but it shouldn’t cause any long-lasting problem so long as no liquid in your body is particularly warm. Oh, wait…” Here I feigned surprise, and brought my claw a mere centimetre from his karmic pouch. Green liquid trickled down his neck. I smiled. “Why, internal Fairy body temperature borders on the boiling point, does it not? Oooh, I’d hate to see what happens when that acid comes into contact with your blood. I’ve heard it’s prone to such catastrophic explosions.”

There was, of course, no reply. Sighing, I withdrew my handkerchief from my pocket and wiped the tear from my claw.

“No, but I suppose I’m a gentleman, so I shan’t leave you comfortless. As I told you, I really never do this. I’m all boasts and bluster, really. That’s all I really am. Let’s get you cleaned up, lad.”

I was just wiping away the last drops of acid from his stunned face when the door opened behind me. I looked over my shoulder to find Anti-Jolene floating there with a clipboard in hand. She took in the threads of wild karma and my kerchief, and looked at me with her ears cocked forward.

“So… How is it going?”

I sighed and tucked the handkerchief away. “Dr. Gabriel and I have just finished, painfully. I say, are business deals with Fairies always so messy?”

She smiled a thin smile. “It would behoove us to find a neutral party who could settle things between our two races more easily, wouldn’t it?”

“I’ll be cleaning karma out of my fur for weeks,” I muttered, and went about gathering up his tangled threads so I could stuff them back inside his soul.

He was one messed up kid in this draft, that is for sure. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll find a place for this scene in the current version someday, if I ever need to send an older Anti-Cosmo to a mental health facility. For now, however, it’s deleted.

“This Is a Box” was actually supposed to end differently as well. And of course, so was “This Is Halloween.” Every once in awhile I’ll have a piece get away from me and end the way it wants, but most of them end the way I plan from the start.

Thanks for all your requests! I really appreciate your curiosity!

[randomfandomimagine]

The Doctor Always Lies (Eleventh x Reader)

Character: Eleventh Doctor

Fandom: Doctor Who

Categories: Reader Insert, Female!Reader, Angst

Title: The Doctor Always Lies

  Requested by anon:

hi can you do a 11th doctor x female reader based off "rule number one the doctor always lies" and just like quite angsty and dramatic thank you also hope you had a wonderful christmas and new year !! x

Requested by anon:

Can you do an imagine about doctor who (eleven) where the reader and the doctor are on an adventure and they meet a weeping angel but reader gets caught by one then the doctor saves the reader and at the end they kiss (lots of fluff pls)

Requested by @darkknightiplier:

The reader getting in trouble with some kind of alien or other kind of supernatural thing. The Doctor saves you in time and feels like there's something special about you that he gives you a key to the tardis and the reader becoming the companion?

There was something in the air. An eerie feeling confirmed my hunch that something strange was happening that day.

I tried to go on with my life, even if a constant dread told me something awful was about to happen. Something I couldn’t really explain. An intuition, perhaps.

All I knew was the environment felt different. And just as I thought about that, I realized something: I couldn’t hear a sound.

That was odd, especially because the streets were usually crowded with people and filled with varied noises. The silence was unsettling all of a sudden, even if some days I found myself wishing for it.

I warily walked around the streets, wondering what was happening, when I saw it.

A strange figure, which oddly resembled a statue even if I had a feeling it could move. It was right in front of me, and I was paralyzed by fear.

“Don’t move!” A voice yelled behind me, making me turn my head. “And don’t blink!”

“What?” I asked in confusion, frowning as I stared at the strange man running in my direction.

“No, don’t look at me! Look at it!” The man told me urgently, pointing a finger to the statue in front of me. “Keep your eyes on it!”

I obeyed, turning my head again so I was facing it. Once my eyes were settled on it, I realized it was closer. At mere centimeters from my face.

I screamed in fear, realizing it had actually moved. It was alive, or at least sentient. Which was extremely scary.

Especially due to the fact that it had moved its hands to uncover his eyes and the angelical and calm posture from before evolved into a threatening and wild one that seemed to imply it wanted to kill me. Judging by its teeth and terrifying appearance.

“What is this?!” I exclaimed, keeping my eyes on the statue and trying not to blink as the man had commanded me to.

“Weeping angels” He replied, getting ahold of my wrist and cautiously and slowly pulling at it. “If you aren’t looking at them, they move and get you”

“Then what should we do?” I gulped, breathing heavily because of the fear that was taking over me.

“Just keep looking” He said as though he was trying to stay calm.

“Okay” I slowly walked with him as he gently pulled at my wrist, still trying to take a few steps away from them.

“Oh, and one more thing?”

“What?”

“Run!”

His gentle pull turned into a frantic and urgent one, and he almost knocked me over. Luckily, I could regain my balance and avoid falling, which would have probably ended up in me being captured by those ‘weeping angels’.

I screamed at the top of my lungs when I looked back and saw that they were so much closer, they were right behind us.

Then the man pulled at me even stronger and I was suddenly indoors. I just barely could catch a glimpse of the blue police box we were running towards before I was dragged inside of it.

I tried to breathe slowly as I looked around the enormous inside of the tiny police box as I leaned on the handrails in a daze.

“Who are you?” I asked him once and for all.

“I’m the Doctor, nice to meet you” He dedicated me a carefree grin, as though we hadn’t just been chased by moving statues with fangs. “Got a name?”

“Y/N…”

“Pleasure to meet you” He repeated without looking up, too busy messing around with a panel. The Doctor kept pushing buttons and pulling levers.

“Where are we?”

“The TARDIS” The Doctor announced proudly and jokingly smug. “It travels through time and space”

“It’s…”

“Bigger on the inside?”

“Well, yeah”

He finally glanced up at me and grinned again. Even though I didn’t even know him, his smile was reassuring and warm.

“Want to go on an adventure, Y/N?” The Doctor kept showing me that wide and bright grin, which seemed truly inviting and warm at the same time.

“You want to go on an adventure with me?” I observed him, puzzled, as he offered a hand for me to take.

“Why, of course!”

“Why me?”

“You look quite special, Y/N”

“There’s nothing special about me” I had never been treated in that way, I felt embarrassed and out of place. I truly didn’t know how to react. “I’m so ordinary, so… unimportant!”

“Don’t ever say that” He frowned and shook his head in disagreement, almost offended. “I have been travelling for a very long time and I have never met anyone who didn’t matter”

His words were heartwarming and encouraging. If I liked him before, that made me like him even more.

The Doctor made me smile in spite of myself.

“Come on then” He impatiently waved his hand in the air, the one he was still offering me.

I laughed a little, both bashfully and happily. Then I gently placed my hand over his, not knowing that such simple gesture would change my life forever.

*

I had no idea where we were, but I guessed I would soon find out.

The Doctor partially exited the TARDIS and looked around briefly before he stepped out on the streets. We were somewhere unexpected.

I had never been there, and to be honest I had no idea where we were at.

“There are some rules you have to learn if you want to travel with me” The Doctor said as he started walking, so I followed him.

“Like?”

“First, don’t wander off” He held one finger up as he looked at me. “It’s dangerous to go alone, many things can happen and you can get lost”

“Okay…” I knew he probably meant that as an innocent warning, but it scared me a little.

“Second, the Doctor always lies” He raised an eyebrow as he stared into my eyes, with an enigmatic but attractive grin on his lips.

I was about to ask what he meant, tell him to explain, but he kept talking.

“For now, let’s not bore you with more rules” He just kept walking, confident and excited.

I couldn’t help but to feel confused and out of place. Maybe because a strange man had offered for me to go with him in a police box that travelled through time and space and I had obliged without giving it a second thought.

But it made me question some things. Why me? Was he seeking a companion and I happened to be the first person he saw?

“Can I ask you a question?” I stopped walking and acquired a serious expression.

“Of course” Despite noticing my severe demeanor, he complied, his smile never faltering.

“Why did you want me traveling with you?” I sighed, trying not to show how confused and distraught I was about it. “Why not someone else? Was I the first person you saw and you thought I would do?”

“No!” The Doctor got serious as well, even if his expression displayed a tender compassion. “I chose you because I was attracted to you, Y/N! Because I see something unique in you, because you’re special and I want to have you around”

His response was exactly what I wanted to hear. It was what many times I hoped someone would say, what I hoped he would say but never expected to hear.

There was something enticing and fascinating about the Doctor as well, and I was pleased by the idea that he saw that in me too. I couldn’t wait to spend more time with him.

“Thank you” I genuinely felt gratitude, and I tried to show how happy his words made me by smiling widely.

“That said” He grinned too, in a friendly and playful way. “Welcome to the Renaissance, Y/N!”

“Re-Renaissance?” I could not believe my ears. “As in Michelangelo and Da Vinci Renaissance?”

“Exactly!”

“And we get to actually meet them?”

“Only if you want” With that inviting grin, he offered me his hand.

“Of course I want!” I took it and we ran to the adventure together.

*

Even after spending most of the day walking around there, I still couldn’t believe we were in Italy during the middle of the Renaissance period.

That the Doctor, this odd and fascinating man, had brought me to meet geniuses like Michelangelo and Leonardo Da Vinci. It was like a dream.

And in that short amount of time, we had become close. It was like we were already friends, like we had known each other for a long time just to meet again. We were so comfortable around the other that we joked around, we acted natural and genuine.

And most importantly, we were starting to really know each other. The Doctor could be quite transparent sometimes, just like me. So it wasn’t hard to read each other like a book, like we had been friends for a very long time or had a very strong connection.

Which helped me figure out something was wrong as soon as I saw his shoulders getting tense. When I saw his frown and noticed his alert demeanor.

“What is it, Doctor?” I asked him warily, getting slightly scared.

He was pretty fearless, so there definitely had to be an actual threat for him to get nervous.

“Nothing” His eyes wouldn’t met me, he was too busy staring at one of the statues that stood before us.

The statue of a weeping angel that, for some reason, distressed me. But it was probably a regular statue, not an actual weeping angel...

Right?

“What is so interesting about that statue that you won’t look away?”

“I just can’t” However, he blindly reached out to take my hand.

I had gotten used to the touch of his palms, but that time it felt different. It used to be gentle, sweet and friendly. This time it was urgent and clingy.

Something was definitely wrong.

“Tell me what’s wrong”

“Those are weeping angels” He explained in a matter of fact way. “But these ones are harmless unlike the others, I just can’t help but to stare at them”

I felt like he was taking advantage of my naiveté, of the fact that I was still new to these adventures and he was lying to me. But I wanted to believe him so badly that I did.

“You’re not even blinking”

“It will be okay”

“The Doctor always lies” I reminded him, trying to show him that I knew.

“Just run to the TARDIS, we’ll meet again soon”

“No” I was aware of what he wanted to do, and I refused to do it.

“I will be alright, trust me”

“You’re lying!”

“Just do as I ask, Y/N, please”

“No, please, Doctor” I begged, tears arriving to my eyes. “Don’t do it”

He just stared at me, with the smallest of smiles plastered on his lips. But it was a fake grin, it was forced and it felt empty.

I screamed when I noticed that, as soon as he looked away, the statue moved. It showed its fangs and its terrifying expression as it lunged towards us.

It was just like the other weeping angels. Terrifying and deadly.

I stared at it just in time to keep it from getting closer. Even if it was barely one meter away from us.

The Doctor winked at me as he deliberately ignored my plead. He looked back at the angel and then shut his eyes.

“No!” But the Doctor had disappeared when I looked at him.

He had sacrified himself to save me. To give me more time.

There was no trace of him, like he was never there. I missed his hand, which was intertwined with mine when he was zapped out by the angel.

I had tears in my eyes, but even if I was terrified, I kept my glance on the statue. I was tempted to go with the Doctor, to close my eyes and let the angel take me wherever it wanted. As long as it was with him.

But I was too scared of what would happen to me to actually do it, and it was breaking my heart. I was left alone in there, and no matter how much I missed the Doctor, I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes.

I just backed away, eyes on the statue without blinking, until I reached the TARDIS.

As I walked in and made it work like he had taught me, I got the nasty feeling that I would never see the Doctor again.

[theautumnarchive]

I wanted to write a post commemorating the official one month mark of my hrt, but I don't think I have the energy to muster faux excitement today.

The therapy is going fine. Rather uneventful so far. My reaction to the last shot was a little better than it has been to every other one since the initial shot. Still itches. Still red. Just tolerable.

I am excited about the hrt, honestly, but right now I'm in the middle of a low point brought on by my own inability to keep my mouth shut. I have substantial issues with emotional, physical, or romantic attachments to people, and I thought that perhaps I had found.. Not a solution, but a lifeline, I think... But sometimes it's better not to reach for those lifelines.

It has come to my attention that any time I try to take a leap of faith for myself, at least in this regard, that I end up worse off. When I moved to Florida, I was in the middle of a divorce and I thought that would be the last relationship I'd ever be in. He was a decent person, but we were completely incompatible and his unwillingness or perhaps inability to acknowledge my emotional and physical needs and limitations left me pretty damaged. The four years I spent with him in Louisiana left me so touch-starved and heartbroken that I used to cry myself to sleep because he always pulled away from me when I reached for his hand at night.

He was respectful when I told him I'd realized I was ace. It was nice, because we'd only had one conversation about asexuality before and it went about as bad as it could go without physical violence. It was nice, but it was the last bit of physical interaction we had. I think my coming out cost me whatever bit of attraction he had left for me. Its fine, though. We agreed to part ways and I thought, well, that was the end of that. I have a hard time figuring out how to communicate and connect with other people beyond friendship. I'm not even particularly good at that, but I get lucky, I think. Proximity does the bulk of the work. I just figured that that rollercoaster of a marriage would be my last exercise in romance.

But I was wrong. I wish I had been right. Florida has been a bittersweet experience for me in really every meaningful way. I got caught off guard by a boy who I connected with on so many points that I had never shared with one person. He was friendly and interesting and brilliant and I should've been grateful to just have shared a timeline with a shooting star like that. I was, really. I had no intention of going anywhere beyond friends with him. Powers beyond myself intervened, however, and I was pleasantly surprised to find myself experiencing that sappy shit you always read about in books and see in movies. I haven't been so high on a heartstring since I was fourteen. But I miscalculated. I wasn't ready. I said my marriage screwed me up and I meant it. I was so anxious that I'd screw it up and lose that happiness that I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I needed him too much. I wasn't even.. I don't even think he liked me, to be honest. I think he wanted to. I think he tried. And I wasn't honest. I thought if I told him about being ace, if I told him that my chromosomes messed up and my body is wrong, that he'd realize it wasn't worth all that red tape. Maybe I was right, but it doesn't matter, because I lost anyway.

That was a hit with a harder contact than I expected. I was wrecked over some guy who I had barely known a season. I thought maybe I loved him - how sad is that? I'm so mixed up and bandaged that I think I might love somebody because they make me feel like I matter. And the truth is that he really didn't. When I was in his presence, everything was firecrackers, but then I wouldn't hear from him for days or he'd take a bad emotional day out on me when I made conversation at work. But I can't feel properly. It takes so much out of me to feel any emotional at all - anger, happiness, excitement, fear, love - that those high moments were everything. And when the person who finally made me feel again was gone, I broke.

It was embarrassing and pitiful and disappointing. Someone helped, though. I assumed that losing him would mean losing his friends that I'd met, as well. But one of them stayed. And he was helpful and patient and listened.

Maybe it was my fault for not putting barriers up right away. I don't know. I like to blame the fact that I'm quoiromantic and say that I could've been fine being friends if I'd never been given an alternative, but that's probably not true. It's probably more like a total disbelief that anyone is ever actually interested in me, and especially one who already knows all of the baggage I come with. He was the first person I came out to as trans. He was one of the few people I've met who shared my ace status and didn't need further clarification or ask if that meant I'd been sexually assaulted.

I guess I took that for granted, too. And this one was the relationship equivalent of a nuclear bomb. What a disaster. I made so many mistakes. I should've been more patient. I should've learned from the last 10 years of being a complete failure and pulled my own reigns back. But I didn't. And I wasn't there for him the way he always had been for me. I lost him, too.

We're all friends now. Or, we're supposed to be. I think I'm always going to be a sort of supporting character, especially because I was introduced because I was dating someone. You're never going to be an equal after that. And I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say here, really, except that I just keep messing up. I vascillate between still being a little head over for one or both of them and being fine without anything other than their friendship. It's really frustrating not being able to understand what you actually feel for other people. It leads to a lot of bad calls.

I am in the state I am currently because of another in a long string of bad calls. I wanted to try and see if someone knowing me, the real me, who I am supposed to be, and accepting that would make me less distraught about sexual intimacy. I asked the one person in the entire world who I trust enough with that charge if they thought it was worth testing the hypothesis. But I shouldn't have. Do you know what's sad? Out of this entire post of self-pity and disappointment? The saddest thing to me is that a major contributing factor in my confidence that I could try out this theory with this person was a single night that we spent spooning in the same bed. Honestly, it wasn't the best sleep I've ever had or the moment I realized I loved him or anything cheesy like that. I just felt safe. I felt like all the bullshit up until that point was okay because I had ended up there. I know that experience was strange and new and stressful for him, but I needed it and he cared about me and I was happy and safe. I just thought that trying to get past my traumatic sexual past by taking it slow and honest and positive with someone who is willing to go through a lot of shit for me would work out in the end. He made me feel safe in a time and place where I never have that luxury. I just want to feel normal. I want to have one fucking box unchecked on the list of qualifiers that supersedes my personality and worth. It is hard to be ace and hard to be trans and hard to be gay and hard to have arthritis and fibromyalgia and anxiety and depression and nerve damage and it's really fucking hard to be all of those things at once. I just.. I just wanted to feel normal.

But I should've kept that to myself. I never keep my mouth shut and I told myself it was going to come off idiotic and make him think I was trying to subvert his decision to not entertain relationships anymore. That wasn't what I wanted. I won't lie and act like I don't wish I had done a lot of things differently and that I had gotten it right the first time, but the feeling isn't mutual and I respect that. This was a separate thought entirely. But it doesn't matter. For a lot of reasons, or just one big reason, it didn't work out. It's fine. I'm fine. But I should've kept my mouth shut. I was embarrassed when I thought of it the first time, embarrassed when I proposed it, and I'm embarrassed now. I feel stupid because I got my hopes up. Because I keep thinking that telling people what I actually think is a good idea. Because I never learn. Because I dragged someone else into my mess and made a stressful situation when I didn't have to, like I always do. And at the end of it all, I'm still just as bad off as I was. Perhaps worse, actually, because there's a chance I'll have to watch the two people I can't let go fall into each other eventually. And the fact that that hurts me makes me feel worse because, shit, I should be happy for them. That's what a friend would do. But I'm selfish in my loneliness and neediness and I say things like, "what if we all dated," because I'm poly and I genuinely think it's a good idea and we would all be good for each other and keep each other afloat and mentally stable and because monogamy puts too much pressure on people like me who crave intimacy but need a lot of personal space, when I should've just kept my mouth shut. Again.

So, yes, it's the 24th today and it's my first month on T over with. I hope that next month ends with a lesson more thoroughly learned. Sorry, mom.

[pycsgevonne-blog]

If and Only If

Sana Dati: Movie Review

Gevonne Pascual

Sana Dati, a 2013 Philippine romantic drama film written, directed, edited, and scored by Jerrold Tarog. It is about a woman who stalls her big wedding when a guy with a camera shows up and reminds her of a love she once had. It is the final installment to Tarog's Camera trilogy which include Confessional (2007) and The Blood Trail (2009). The film competed under the Directors Showcase sidebar of Cinemalaya 2013, and won Best Film and other technical awards at the festival's awards night.

Having the same thought, “ Sana Dati’s story revolves around soon-to-be-hitched Andrea Gonzaga (Lovi Poe), who gets cold feet on her wedding day upon meeting her wedding photographer, Dennis Cesario (Paulo Avelino), who reminds her too much of a man she once loved before she ended up with her present fiancé, Robert Naval (TJ Trinidad). In the hours that lead up to the wedding ceremony itself, snippets of happy wedding preparations (cake decorating, an emcee accommodating guests) are juxtaposed with scenes of tension and anxiety (the younger sister bringing the wrong shoebox for Andrea, the bride seeming all too pensive). After realizing that the photographer knew too much about her to be a 100% stranger, Andrea asks Dennis what his last name is and finds out that he is the brother of Andrew Cesario (Benjamin Alves), whom Dennis inherited the camera and one-man wedding photography business from after his death.

Distraught and reminded of her grief, Andrea—with Dennis in tow—hides out on the roof deck of the hotel. In effect, she stalls her own wedding and causes everyone to frantically look for her while she spends time with Dennis to talk to him about his brother. Throughout their interaction, there are scenes of flashbacks from when Andrew had been alive, and Andrea also expresses doubts about marrying Robert. Andrea also appears to express interest in Dennis: she attempts to recreate a moment wherein she touches Andrew’s cheek before kissing him tenderly. She ends up just cupping Dennis’ face before whispering Andrew’s name and walking a few steps away. They speak a bit more until they hear someone approaching the deck. Dennis keeps out of sight as Robert finds Andrea and the pair heads downstairs to proceed with the extremely delayed wedding. Andrea’s little sister brings her the blue shoebox she was told to retrieve, and Andrea puts on blue flats, much to Robert’s surprise and slight annoyance. Dennis proceeds downstairs after a while to shoot the event, and when he arrives in the function room, Andrea’s friend gives him a note from the bride, which he keeps to read later. The ceremony begins, vows are exchanged, and the pair are pronounced husband and wife. After the festivities, Dennis opens the letter, which reads: “After the reception, let’s get out of here.” Dennis leaves without meeting up with Andrea, and Andrea ends up crying in the pantry by herself.

Between the wedding day and the last part of the movie, a few more flashbacks of Andrew and Andrea are shown, including a flashback of Andrea reading a love letter from Andrew. After the flashbacks, the very last scene of the movie is of Andrea leaving a shoebox on Andrew’s grave containing memorabilia, such as the love letter and various pictures of them together. On top of the box, she also places the engagement ring Andrew had given her before he died. As she leaves his grave, she sees Robert waiting for her along the cemetery driveway and realizes that he had found out about her past relationship and asked him how he knew, to which he replies that he’ll tell her along the drive. As they enter the car and it drives away, it is seen that Andrea had left her blue flats on the curb—blue flats that had been given to her by Andrew. In the car, Andrea takes one of Robert’s hands and tells him she loves him, to which he replies, “Totoo ba yan?” (Is that true?). The movie ends with Andrea squeezing his hand and looking outside the car window.”, according to dentandentan.

What I liked about the film is its close to the real life situations, wherein mostly, love stories does not typically reaches a happy ending. In which, most of the people can see the romantic side of love more than of the opposite- love can cause unexpected tragedy. I really liked how the writer and director made the story of the film, not having too much locations, maximizing the use of a location.. What I disliked about the film is that, because of too much flashbacks, I wasn’t been able to easily distinguished the time of the scenes, I was used to watch vintages color whenever it is a flashback. And the ‘bitin’ part where Robert didn’t tell how he knew the past of Andrea and Andrew.

The cinematography is brilliant. All the angles of the camera, the ways the scenes were shot, all of it were not just artistic but meaningful as well. There wasn’t a single form of any scene which purpose is just to show off. The music is wonderful. It’s cued at the right moment and the melody dives so deeply, smoothly, parallel to the emotional turmoil of the characters.

The storytelling is unique. I’ve never seen such an unpredictable, beautiful movie delivered initially as a tangle of mystery. The story was a bit dragging at first. It was a nice, slow, storytelling of the wedding preparations during the first part of the film. Then a mysterious character arrived, slowly revealing more mysteries about the bride, Andrea. I was getting antsy in fact, waiting for the story to move forward and give light to all those mysteries. But when the revelation came, it had hit me so hard. It’s not like a huge, immediate, surprise revelation. It’s slow, and painful, and beautiful. The film is rich in the content, in form, in design. Astounding. Jerrold Tarog is a genius in this one.

One of the best actresses in the country of the Philippines, either way, in the world, Ms. Lovi Poe, the loving child of the great King, FPJ, who almost became the President of the country, but regardless the fact, she is genius on her own. She does not only knows how to be pretty and sexy, in the same time, she can definitely act. Just like a chameleon, which can blend in any situations, Lovi Poe can portray any characters. She suits the role of being bitchy, sweet and innocent, scary and all other adjectives. In the movie “Sana Dati”, she played the character of Andrea Gonzales, a woman who has decided to marry her suitor whom has an assurance that he really loves her, despite of being still trapped in her past. Her mutual attraction with Andrew started the moment they met. Although she met Robert in the first place. Everything was going smooth with Andrew, except the fact that he has a arrhythmia and their relationship was hidden.

One of the most in-demand leading men, but turned antagonist because of the reason having a stern mestizo looks in the middle of the movie. TJ Trinidad plays the character of Robert Naval. A politician turned businessman who truly loves Andrea, the main protagonist of the film, in which his character is willing to give everything to her. The agony, concerrn and the genuineness of his fidelity towards Andrea was showed and myself really felt those emotions.

One of the sexy hunks in the country. Benjamin Alves who pays the role of Andrew Cesario. A very handsome young fine man who holds a lot of promises. However, because of having a severe health problem, he is sheltered and overly protected by his mom. Despite of acknowledging the fact of his life might be shortened if he continued to love Andrea, he still chose happiness of love over his health.

Dennis Cesario, sibling of Andrew whose being played by the actor who is more than just a heartthrob. He has proven himself many times in which he can be lethal or lovable or sweet or someone you would like to despise. He becomes his role, the mysterious videographer who makes Andrea think a lot of times with her decision to marry Robert, most of the viewers have thought: Will Dennis run away with Andrea?

There was some boring scenes. When the characters weren't talking, nature(and lighting) did the talking. According to a blogger, in which myself agreed on, everyone played their part well. I'm sure the people behind the scenes all did their part. Maybe I wouldn't be able to mention everybody, but I will try to.

Ria Garcia was so believable as the little sister who was so tense that she even lost her expensive cellphone inside the cab. Cai Cortez plays a beautiful woman who is so loved by her groom. Nico Antonio is the very lively host who eventually "entertained" everyone who was getting fidgety because of the missing bride. Gee Canlas plays the very witty, but naughty best friend and co-host to the role of Nico Antonio. Bong Cabrera plays the groom of Cai C's role. He is very funny and believable. Such a natural!

Carla Martinez plays the pushy and social climbing mother of Andrea. If I did not know that she is a woman with finesse and class, I would want to pull her hair or give her my two cents worth. Anyways, her character is not all that bad. She just wants the best for her children.

Liesl Batucan plays Tita Baby who is very loving and majorly concerned about her nieces, especially Andrea. Batucan is a professional theater actress who can play a socialite, a bitch, a pauper, a maid, a flight attendant or whatever else. Every role simply fits like it was tailor made for her. Nonie Buencamino is good in anything he does, and he was great as the Judge/Officiator. Chinggoy Alonzo What could I do? I could describe him versatile, because he is. I could describe him as talented, just because. I could say he plays his role well, because he does. Here, he plays the role of Robert's dad who obviously loves his son and because he loves him too much, he also wants to check if he, Robert, knows what he is doing.

The message of the movie that is really applicable to the lives of each individual, love is the most powerful thing to be experienced. You have to be prepared to all the consequences. And the consequences, problems should be faced, not in the other way around. At the same time, there will be no hidden secrets that won’t be exploited. In God, lets put up our faith and trust on Him, everything happens for a reason.

In general, the film was great and very interesting as it gave the viewers a thing to be thought of when it comes to love. I would like to recommend individuals who are in pain, from teens up until the adults who are lost in the path of the pain of love. I would rate the movie eight over ten.

[airmidtheawakened]

The Collector, Part 3

And now, Darlings, the next installment of our woes with the Collector: After conferring with the rest of my cabal, we set out to talk to Isaac’s little brother, Chris. Aces let us borrow her car. Getting to Chris's place wasn't an issue, since Pinstripes had gotten the address for us. Actually getting him to talk was a little more difficult. He was kinda the black sheep of the family, and hadn't actually spoken with his brother or late grandmother in years. When we got to his house - an older building in a not-so-nice area of town - a woman who I can only assume was his girlfriend answered the door. Saki and I were the ones talking. SiSi and Lipsy were staying in the car. We explained that we were friends of Isaac's and needed to speak with Chris right away. The woman said Chris wasn't home, so we pressed a little bit and got her to agree to give him a message for us. Figuring that was the best we could do, we started to leave. That's when we heard someone exit through a door on the side street next to the house and start booking it away from us. Saki and I gave chase. It didn't take us long to catch up, but before we could grab him ourselves Lipsy pulled the car around the corner and sped in to block the exit to the side street. Chris almost ran into the car. He was totally spooked. He tried to draw a gun on us, even! Thankfully some smoothing talking from Saki and myself got him to calm down enough to talk. He already knew his brother was dead, having seen it on the news, and wasn't too happy that we came around to rub salt in the wound. He wanted proof that we knew Isaac. SiSi got out the car and gave him a verbal what-for when he asked. She told him all about her basic training days with Isaac, which shut Chris up right quick. Of course he wanted to know why we were there, so we explained (as best we could without mentioning magic) what Pinstripes wanted and why he'd shot up our house. Chris didn't seem to really buy it, but we managed to get him to agree to hand over the watch to the Collector. On the condition that we'd get revenge for Isaac at some point. Which was fine. That's what we'd decided to do ourselves anyway. 

We gave him the watch and said our goodbyes for the day. We had lots of other business to attend to. Like going to the police. We were listed as "missing" on the morning news, and trying to avoid law enforcement was going to do us no good. We agreed to leave Saki with Aces (he didn't want to go anywhere near the cops with his expired visa) and came up with a story that we thought would hold up pretty well. It was mostly true: SiSi was on a date with Isaac, Lipsy was working late and came home in the middle of the attack, and they fled because SiSi was distraught and needed time to calm down. We'd say I was out partying and Saki was out of town. When we got to the police station they interviewed us all separately. The detective who talked to us was kind of a douche. You'd think that he'd show some sympathy to some young kids who just lost a friend and got their home shot up, but nope. Now that I think about it it's probably because he knew we were lying to him about some things. Our neighbors had seen me running away from the house so my story was blown right away. At least I managed to convince him I lied because I was worried about my dad getting upset with me if he found out what happened, so it wasn't all bad. I think the others managed to stick to their stories. When things started to falter for Lipsy he was smart enough to ask for a lawyer. Which he did by calling Mercy and requesting her help. Which means, of course, that the lawyer she sent was a total phony and probably hadn't set foot in a courtroom for any reason other than being accused. But he had credentials, so the police couldn't do anything about it when he came to pick us up. Let me paint you an image of this guy: Tall, ripped, wore an eye patch, and spoke with the thickest cockney accent one could imagine. I cannot begin to describe how entertaining it was watching him tear into those poor police officers. Nothing I could say would do it justice. We were with the police for a couple hours, but there was still a lot of time between then and when I had to see my dad. We went back to our house to pick up some clothes and other necessities (we couldn't stay there while it was still a crime scene), and drove back to Aces' to update her and Saki on the situation. The five of us just chilled for a bit, gave SiSi some time to herself to keep processing everything that'd happened, and waited for the time I'd agreed to meet my dad. We talked about what I'd tell him - what was okay to tell him - and how best to convince him to let me stay with my cabal. In the end I decided that convincing him I was with good people was the best way to do it. He already sort of knew Lipsy (We'd video-called him a couple a times for advice on how to fix up an old motorcycle Lipsy bought), and I was certain once he met SiSi and learned she was ex military that he'd been confident in my safety. My dad was staying in a hotel in Boston. By the time we got there he'd already arrived and gotten settled in. He wasn't exactly happy when I showed up with my cabal. He thought we'd have a conversation between just us. But I told him that they were pretty much family to me and I didn't care if they heard what he had to say to me. I told him that they were the ones I'd been abducted with, that together we were trying to piece together what happened to us and why we'd been taken. Of course my dad was skeptical. He asked what we'd found out. I looked around at my cabal before I told him. They all nodded at me, to say it was okay. I explained that it was because whatever the group was thought that we were trash. They took Saki because he was gay, Lipsy because he was deaf, and me because I was a slut. I said I still couldn't remember what happened to me specifically, but Saki did and he'd been tortured. To my dad's credit, he stayed pretty calm during it all. He wasn't okay with anything I said - far from it - but I'd expected a little more of an emotional response to hearing his baby girl had probably been beaten near to death for liking to have sex. It was... weird. And then he said if he'd pushed me towards more "conventional" interests then maybe none of it would have happened. That hurt. I know my dad doesn't like that I sleep around, but blaming himself for my perceived weaknesses of character wasn't far. Especially when the whole reason I am the way I am is to piss off my mom. And besides, it was the fault of the people who took me! There was no blame to throw around except at them. It was clear that we weren't going to come to any sort of agreement on me staying in Quincy, but at least Dad wasn't going to force me to leave. I promised to spend the afternoon with him the next day so we could have some time just for us. I know it wasn't fair to sic my entire cabal on him like that (even if it was necessary), so I wanted to make it up to him. That, for the most part, ended our evening. With the exception of one thing. As we left the hotel, Lipsy happened to catch the attention of an absolutely beautiful chocolate lab. The dog trotted right up to him and started nuzzling and licking his hand. The dog didn't have a collar or anything. We were a little suspicious, so I gave it a once-over with my spirit sight turned on, and sure enough the dog was a spirit. A pretty powerful one too. So I knelt down and bowed my head to acknowledge it's rank, and told my cabal we wanted to be friends with this one. And then the dog-shaped spirit told me I had nice tits. I could tell we were going to get along swimmingly. Turns out Mr. Chocolate Lab's real name was Ceras, and he was the same type of spirit as Edgar. Edgar had called in a few favors to get Ceras to watch over Lipsy. Edgar wasn't sure how long it would take for him to rebuild his physical form and he wanted to make sure Lipsy had someone looking out for him. Edgar can be a real sweetie sometimes. That said, Ceras seemed more interested in ogling me than babysitting. Which was weird at first because you know, he was a dog, but then he changed his form into a suuuuuper attractive young man and well... things were less weird. For me, anyway. I don't think Lipsy appreciated it much. But a girl has needs, you know? And if there's a nice looking, sentient being willing to help me with those needs... well I'm not going to say no, now am I? And before you ask: Yes, spirits are perfectly capable of doing the nasty. Assuming their of a high enough level of power and sentience to take on a physical body. So that totally happened once we got home that night. Score one for Airmid! And that, I think, is a good place to stop. We had our final confrontation with the Collector the next day, and I think it deserves its own special recording. Until then, my darlings, stay safe!