#I new my stomachs was weird about it
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You ever eat cereal and you can just ***feel*** your body going “wtf is this??? Why did you eat cardboard????”
#screaming into the void#i have a tummy ache#and I’m being very brave About it#tummy ache survivor#if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions#why did I eat that#I new my stomachs was weird about it#owchie
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tonight’s iwtv brainrot has me considering the concept of armand creating a portrait of daniel out of human organs and other body parts as a hashtag romantic surprise
#i fear young daniel might faint and/or throw up about it unfortunately#i know my guy is used to gore because he literally drinks his boyfriends blood and vice versa but like.#i don’t think he’s quite at the point where he can stomach seeing a portrait of himself made out of other people’s internal organs#old daniel on the other hand !#he loves it. he thinks it’s weird but what’s new? he loves his weird autistic boyfriend and his weird romantic gestures#he asks questions and takes in all the little details#iwtv#interview with the vampire#the vampire armand#daniel molloy#devil’s minion#armandaniel#tw g0re#adding the tw just in case
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i'm so fucking stressed out
#dude my dog had acl repair surgery in march#she's healed fine with that but developed stomach issues#so she's been back and forth to the vet with that#and now when i was at work she just randomly started walking weird as fuck. she kicks her leg that was operated on backwards as she walks#and sometimes looses balance in both legs#and then when i pick her up she acts like it hurts her spine or something#i'm gonna wake up in 4 hours to call the vet and see if they can see us today and pray that this isn't something that she'll need surgery#for again#i also am supposed to work tomorrow and then friday we have a rehearsal dinner and then saturday the wedding which is two hours away.#vets closed on sunday so if she can't get seen tomorrow it'll be a whole new fiasco trying to get her helped somewhere else#this dog is my lifeline like it#ruins me#seeing her like this#genuinely if i didn't have her i wouldnt be here#it's so hard to watch her not even be able to walk#but it's so fuckinf weird bc my mom said she was just laying in her bedroom and she came back out doing it? there's nothing she could've#gotten into it just makes no fuckinf sense#like it's possible either her kneecap or her acl implant thing popped out of place but#she stiffens her entire body when i pick her up#and she acts like she's losing balance#it's so fucking weird#i'm also terrified that i'm about to get told she has some kind of onset of neurological problems and she'll have to get put down#or something along those lines#it's just too much rn#pls keep my doggy in ur thoughts#we just spent 3k on her surgery in march if she has to get operated on again first of all the recovery process all over again sounds like#a nightmare#but just the cost alone#i'm gonna FUCKING KILL MYSELF
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Random: turns out "fear of man-made stuff in water" is enough of a thing that there is an entire subreddit dedicated to it. Huh.
#it's not like I thought it was uniqque to me#I just never thought about it all that much#I can see pictures of straight up corpses and shrug#but show me the titanic and my stomach clenches#submechanophobia#<- new word of the day#i remember swimming next to my grandfather's motorboat as a kid#a perfectly friendly little white boat#and just looking at the hull or the anchor rope#freaked me out#what a weird thing to be scared of
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i’m. so confused
#not necessary to read i’m just sending words into the void bc these past few months have been so stressful and then my brain is like#do you know what we should do right now? we should develop a crush and spiral over NOTHINGGGG#normally i shake crushes off in a week’s time maybe a lil longer if we’re talking a lot#but Man.jpeg i’m down bad for a friend of mine and the weirdest thing is: it’s a girl#i’ve always had thoughts about gender and how i didn’t feel like a girl but more like girl lite but this is totally new to me#literally get nervous and can’t make eye contact with her for more than a second at a time. my stomach feels weird when she giggles#planning a hangout feels so high stakes bc i wanna make sure she has fun#we chat every day and make consistent plans and i’m literally rethinking everything i thought i ‘knew’ about my relationship preferences#i kinda wanna hold hands with her and see where this goes but i’m so scared of leading her on if it’s just my brain goin crazy#idk man#jo tag
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Groin cramps are the worst. Feels like my body is like "Yeah yeah upper abdominal lower abdominal cramps, whatever. We really gotta focus on this area tho"
Like
Holy fuck
Thank the gods for heating pads
#jen talks#honestly im just complaining cause im sore and cranky#also its an experience i feel like i cant talk about all to much without making people uncomfortable#its such a new (relatively speaking) experience and its unpleasant and validating at the same time#and like boy howdy have mine gone hard#like ive spoken with some friends and it seems like the course im gonna take is to find out if ive got any extra bits#like theres a solid chance im intersex#just given everything from my childhood and how fucking painful my cramps are#but like when i was younger i thought i had “gas”#it usually only lasted like 3-4 days max but it happensd regularly for a long time#it was just something i had gotten used to and didnt think much of#my diet was trashy enough so it made sense to have some stomach issues#but then flash forward to now#what i have identified as period cramps as of last year#which up until i found out that trans girls can get periods. i wasnt aware of what it actually was#and the weird part is. asside from the intensity of the cramps#i remember this feeling#when i was younger and i got this pain#sometimes it was so ungodly that id end up vomiting and then passing out#but like it also got to the point sometimes where i couldnt even stand up straight#and given that perspective on what im experiencing NOW it kinda makes a lot of sense
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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Had a kinda shitty therapy session w my new therapist and man. She wants me to try 'accelerated resolution therapy' to like. I guess rewrite my traumatic memories? But the absolute fucking fear I feel about it.... Literally everything in my body is telling me NOT to fucking do it. I don't even wanna go back.... idk what to do. I want to get better and not have a panic response every damn shift I work, but something is telling me this is a bad idea.
#what am i supposed to do. i told her i would at least just try the eye movements to get accustomed to them but the thought of rewriting#my memories. changing them. it feels wrong and it makes me sick at my stomach.#she says ill still know the facts of what happened..... but i just dont trust it#i cant stop crying. what a horrible session#i told her about a bit of the things that have happened to me. i feel like she doesnt quite grasp how much my past is inherently traumatic#i miss my old therapist. i wish i could still go to her.#she understood and accepted all my weirdness. we mostly focused on processing/talking abt my trauma and also getting me away from my abusers#but my new one just. idk. i cant tell if its my own hypervigilance/paranoia but she gives me a bad vibe.
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I was supposed to be writing my thesis and sure, I added something to it, but then I started watching some live show footage For Research(tm) and now here we are
#hey you know what#I will find a way to reference Domi's conference presentation here somehow#it was a pretty big (international I think?) conference it's a valid thing to do#+ you gotta support your doctorate student bestie with citations <3#(in your master's thesis. which. doesn't really mean anything.)#(eh.)#I also ended up reading several news articles and interviews#added them to my bookmarks#but instead of adding a proper citation I just wrote [that article from 2017 about CDs y'know the one]#because I don't feel like properly formatting said citation rn <3#pls don't look at the [CITATION NEEDED] footnotes it's not a big deal it's really noth--#(again I didn't feel like formatting citations and then I lost the things I was referencing)#(or I need to find a good representative example of a thing I've seen over and over but now I don't remember any ofc)#man shit's hard#+ I've had a headache since the morning and the painkillers not only didn't help#but also made my stomach Weird
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. Vent??m
#The fact that honobono actually got a song had me sick to my stomach when I found out today.#LIKE GENUINELY#I FELT SICK#people liking her will always be beyond me and that is exactly what I am seeing in the hpmi tag rn#This is not in any way about the song#I haven't heard it#Just.#Needed to vent a lil I guess#Yes my feelings on hifumi/hypmic are normal#The dram a track news also has me scareeddd likeee#It feels like it just gets worse and wanting to catch up on hypmic stresses me out lately#I will just continue to catch up on the manga and try to. Idk. The way I have been feeling about hpmi is weird#It's weird to be such a huge fan of smth and it making you happy and then you. Kind of fall out of the loop of things and you feel forced t#Catch up and all the news you get are upsetting? My anxiety makes it so hard to just consume media without stressing over it god
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#man there's some blogs out here that i really cannot follow#not through any fault of their own but genuinely thinking about one direction in any way that is related to rl analysing makes me so sad#and yearning#i'm fine with fics i'm fine with edits and gifs and cute pictures and songs#i'm even fine with bbg discourse (fine as in: i ignore it as i've always done)#but this fandom.... this fandom. idk#1d entered my radar for the vmas 2013 and i slowly got into the fandom first in italian and then i came here around uhh#i don't remember but i started reblogging in feb 2014 apparently#i remember being an anti at first and then one gif made me change my mind#but that's not the point#the point is that in august 2014 my abusive ex left me and one of the reasons why i'm still here and i am what i am is the fandom#it's this fandom#and coming back to it after years in which while a fan i wasn't technically in it is....#it hurts. it's a weird feelings in my stomach. it's looking around and seeing new faces and wondering where the old ones are#it's seeing narratives change and analysis change as well#and i guess it's more about the time passing. idk.#me? i just wanna write fic at the moment#i cannot handle really thinking about irl them#so anyway
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My cramps are actually so BAD girl help
#i’m not really getting it in my thighs for once and the back pain is relatively easy to ignore as long as i don’t try to do much#but girl my entire midsection is killing meeeeeeeeee#feels like my uterus has just taken over my whole abdomen and stomach area#and dear god i am having the worst lightheadedness of my life. i feel so deeply sick#i feel empty like i’m hungry even though i’ve eaten a normal amount today#i’m having fish and chips with my mum and stepdad tonight so i’m trying to hold out but dear god i want to EAT#i just know it won’t help and will make me gassy and give me new abdominal pains to worry about#i’m so tired and lethargic my watch actually saw fit to warn me that i had a low heart rate#it dropped to 48-49bpm for like five minutes straight#then my water flosser arrived and i jumped up to answer the door so that took me to like 60#am i fucking dying or something??? like should i be concerned#i take all my vitamins and try to stay moving.. surely my body cannot just randomly decide to flatline like that#i’ll just keep an eye on it i guess. i saw somewhere it’s not a severe cause for concern unless it’s regularly dropping under 40#while you’re awake (and you’re not some kind of endurance athlete who adapts to have a ridiculously low resting heart rate)#i mean my heart is generally going like a bunny rabbit so that’s why i was a little weirded out by the notification#we’ll keep an eye on it! and probably do exercise bike tomorrow because i’m supremely freaked out now#personal
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i don’t want to be skinny but i want to feel comfortable in my body
#i like my weight just not in my stomach ig#like it just makes everything look weird#like i want to be able to feel comfortable in my clothes again and not only wear sweatpants and leggings#i’ve fell off the fitness journey in like late october/ early november and now i can’t go back because of every small reason lol#only thinking about this because i’m like well i definitely should get in shape in the next year and thinking about the people who hate…..#when people do the ‘new year new me” thing#mwah 💋#thoughts#inner workings on my mind#black girl diary#black girl tumblr
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Healthy people: wow what a beautiful day to have the ability and energy to complete all my tasks :)
My cursed flesh husk: heyyy wanna experience a new and exciting pain you've never felt before? JK you don't have a choice
#not only are all my joints hurting and my tendons in my arms sore making me unable to work on xmas gifts#but im also experiencing a weird stabbing pain in the skin of my stomach right near a new stretch mark that seems a little redder than usual#so i uh. im a bit concerned about that.
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having the weirdest stomach issues of just having a negative appetite even when I'm so hungry it hurts, but only being able to eat like half a meal at best before it gets too much all while my stomach hurts
why does my stomach feel the need to shake up the chronic problems, were the last few years not interesting enough?
#getting on a plane within the next 24 hours to go to a weekend wedding#but it's with my fiance's extended family and I'm gently Dreading that#I do honestly hope they all bother us with asking when our wedding is instead of asking about my job#the job I super have and didn't get ghosted about again#so I'm like is it anxiety?? am I anxious enough that my stomach has been awful for 3 days???#because this isn't usually how it works!!!#usually it's borderline hyper ventilating and nausea day of or just the day before#before the dissociation shuts it down and I can come off as a relaxed and almost aloof normal person#weird stomach and an appetite so gone I can barely remember what a good meal was is New and Not Fun#go back to making me shake like a wet dog in winter at least I knew what that was#I haven't gone to bed yet because I'm constantly exhausted and my only queue I should sleep rn is that I couldn't hold up a conversation#but I had to east Something because we were hitting the 12+ hours mark between food again#4 donut is enough right :') because it's all I can handle#weird vent typing stuff out helps having chronic stomach problems that evolve when you get too used to them Sucks#psychosomatic bullshit up in here or something idk
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so at my workplace, there's the day shift and a part-time evening shift. some of the evening shift people start to trickle in before i leave, so i've made acquaintances with some of them over the years.
the lady who sits in jane's seat in the evening showed up today looking like she wanted to say something. she goes "oh, how are you doing?" like normal, and i can only be honest and reply "tired. you?"
and she's like "oh, excited, nervous..."
and i'm like "did something cool happen?"
"yeah" she says as she's digging around in a plastic bag she brought with her for some reason.
"do tell," i say, and she hands me a hockey puck-looking disc of chocolate.
"this is gonna be my last day," she says, "here's some homemade chocolate!"
i start laughing and tell her that i'm probably leaving this week, too. she thinks that's pretty funny and asks where i'm going after that.
"nowhere!" i say cheerfully. "i'm so burnt-out, i don't think i'll be able to work ANYWHERE for awhile!"
she's going to a high-end grocery store, i guess. i didn't ask what position, but i hope she's happier there. she always seemed nice.
anyway, jane got to work today to find that the mannequins and backdrops she uses to photograph fur coats were gone, and she's no longer posting fur coats. even though just on friday she was told she was still gonna post coats. so i think the evening lady was smart to get out when she did. jane's openly talking about quitting, too, but she has to find another job first. i gave her a little pep talk about how she needs to take care of herself and find something better for her before this job breaks her, and she thought that was sweet of me.
i just care about the welfare of other people, i told her. because i do. and i hate seeing everyone around me so miserable. i hope jane gets out soon, before she breaks like i did. james, too, though i think he'll probably stick it out longest.
god i hope we all get better jobs soon.
#working birdie#i don't know if i'm gonna eat the chocolate cos my stomach gets weird about new foods and there's stuff in there i don't usually eat#but it was very kind of her to make these for her coworkers on her last day of work#i think she made them in a silicone muffin tin given the size and shape and slight dome on the bottom#i hope she has fun making chocolate for her new coworkers around the holidays
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