#psychosomatic bullshit up in here or something idk

[midnightwind]

having the weirdest stomach issues of just having a negative appetite even when I'm so hungry it hurts, but only being able to eat like half a meal at best before it gets too much all while my stomach hurts

why does my stomach feel the need to shake up the chronic problems, were the last few years not interesting enough?

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary42

10/19-20/2023

thursday - friday

i saw my friends today, it was nice.

but now it's late and i'm tired again, i went into 2 songs today and i think i made them a lot better though. i should stop saying fixed, cuz i am in a different stage now. there's less wrong, it's more about getting the sounds precisely "there" i guess.

anyways tonight was fun. i saw my friend's band at the same pizza place we ended up at the other night, and i got more free pizza, which makes me feel yucky but whatever, i got to eat enough. this new band i saw tonight was like, they really wanted to be nirvana, pretty funny i guess, hope they do something more interesting in the future they're all obviously capable musicians and stuff. my friend's band played a new song of theirs he was talking about a lot, i really liked it, i think it's one of their best for sure at this point. trying to think, a lot of the time we spent at the pizza place was just kind of standing around and bullshitting. i thought watching my friend about how much i would like to do anything live, i feel like there's some sense i have of time running out in that way, i wonder if everything i want will just fail to materialize, and i'll be a huge failure creatively.

hopefully not.

at my friend's place i messed w/ vcv rack and made horrible noises, and watched him fuck with it, and he made slightly more musical sounds, it's hard to make it really musical, i feel like, so i like just making it do fucked up textural stuff.

maybe tomorrow i should try to just transpose stuff from my note's app into my story, and work on writing more than music, which is proceeding at a fine pace, i can take a break i think, i should do that, and try to figure out what i need to do there to get closer to a draft, i really want that to be finished. i want to finish something. or get to the first finishing of something that will go on for a while. every project goes on so long, my perfectionism maybe leads to more wasted time. it sucks but i can't help it.

i also think i'm psychosomatically making myself feel itchy because i'm paranoid the hotel room had bed bugs even though i sat there and checked and flipped the bed up and everything, and i'm scared my gf's mom's dog gave me fleas too or something. i'm just so scared and uncomfortable, and tomorrow i have to cook and stuff because we got home so late.

and now it's 3 am which is like my bed time now and i should just sleep now so i don't have to struggle or something through all of tomorrow. it will be good to sleep. i also get to work on another collaborative poem tomorrow too. that might be a good warmup for writing. i am going to sit down and really write i think, before i shower, i'll sit there and do it. i might need coffee or something. maybe just tea. i just have to focus. transposing notes out is a good start, and getting things to slot in. ughhgh.

i make everything sound like busywork, it's all just about realizing everything is manageable, nothing is too much trouble, it's not overwhelming, i can do it.

anyways i need to sleep, today was a good day but i'm sitting here thinking myself into being depressed about something and letting all my paranoia make myself feel worse than i really should i think. i don't think i'm allergic to anything in pizza. idk what it could be, what if i have some kind of disease and it kills me. that would be really sad. i will have done nothing with my life.

so like, byebye!!!

[dracarysbitch]

tagged by @ayzrules​ （*/∇＼*）ｷｬ  thanks so much for the tag!!!!   ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ﾉ⌒♡*:･。.

o Name: Clara o Star sign: Scorpio o Height: 160cm o Put your iTunes or Spotify on shuffle:

Funny Girl by Laura Rizzotto

Shinzo we Sasageyo! by Linked Horizon

Lost in You by Lena

Natsu’s Theme by Yasuharu Takanashi

My Empire - Acoustic by Emmelie de Forest

Eurovision and anime, shocking exactly no one. Also, can you believe that like all of Fairy Tail’s ost is available on spotify? When Yuki Hayashi finally uploads Haikyuu and Bnha ost to spotify, my life will be complete! o Who is your celebrity crush? Like, how long you got? But Top 3 is probably Chris Evans, Rebecca Ferguson, and Bruna Marquezine.

o What’s a sound you hate and a sound you love? high heel sounds for me too! I finally found a pair that I can wear without dying, and the feeling of power that courses through my veins! I feel so powerful and so good! It’s really a confidence boost, and makes me feel better than other people when I’m making the noise.

The sound I CAN’T FUCKING STAND is the shuffling noise this guy at my office does, and he never fucking just sits down! Every 30 seconds he’s shuffling around, and he’s hogging like everyone’s desks and always places his papers and files everywhere! Anyway, the sound I hate is the shuffling noise he makes when he walks. Like quit dragging your feet and walk like an adult, you’re older than my dad!

o Do you believe in ghosts? no

o How about aliens? not in tin foil hat, bullshit Scientology type conspiracies. But the universe is to big for us to be the only planet with living organisms on it. To think we are is human arrogance, and why the aliens never visit us! ‘Cause we’re assholes and we suck!

o Do you drive? Yeppers, got my G2, and one more test to go before my full license, after which I can drive wherever, whenever (I can drive mostly whenever, wherever now, but there are some more rules. the G2 is essentially the highway driving test). I don’t drive that often though, ‘cause we only have one car, and daddy works far away, so he needs the car more. Also, it’s his car.

o What was the last book you read? I read some paw patrol books to my cousin the other day. I remember nothing about what happened in them though. I also already forgot their names. Raider? Patch? Pretty sure I made that last one up. Sky or Skylar is the girl puppy who flies in a very transformers-esque way. For myself, I reread the Lays of Beleriand again a few weeks ago, because I am a nerd. And thus in anguish Beren paid, for that great upon him laid... *trails off*

o Do you like the smell of gasoline? No. Super fucking hate it. Filling the gas of my own fucking car gives me a headache. When I was little, I used walk around in the convenience store whilst papa was filling up the car so that I wouldn’t get sick, even when all the windows were all closed, I would still get a whiff of the scent and get sick from it. Part of that might’ve been psychosomatic, some of it might’ve been how cars were built in the late 90′s-early aughts. I remember being more or less okay in the car 2008-ish onwards? Idk. It’s only problematic again now ‘cause sometimes I fill up ze car. Oh Lordi, when will I become rich so that I can finally buy a Tesla?

o What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? Nothing ever serious. AH! I was playing by cousin’s (a different cousin from the one mentioned before) balcony when I was little, and sliced my hand on something sharp in the gap. We still don’t know what it was. It just bleed a lot, I don’t think I needed stitches. OH WAIT! I remember! When I was even younger, like 2-3, I stabbed my cheek with my sister’s pencil! I needed stitches for it. Cried a lot, still have a little scar on my face. It’s super small and not really visible unless you’re right in my face, or touching it, but it der.  

o Do you have an obsession right now? BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA AND HAIKYUU! Okay, it’s been a few months of bnha, and years of hq for me, but yeah, those are me current number one’s. I just started watching Saiki Kusuo no Ψ-nan, and because I don’t know how to enjoy anything in moderation, I’m obsessing over it right now. Of course, I’m still Disney/Marvel’s hoe. Literally wearing a marvel shirt right now (it says “I woke up super.” I didn’t, but whatever).

o Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? eternally. I’m super bad at forgiving, but I also suck at confrontation, so I usually just push all that down and maintain a happy face whilst actively avoiding the person for the next century.

o In a relationship? does *insert 6000000 fictional character names here* count? (yeah, no, I am not. Except with my laptop, you’ll never leave me right dell?)

tagging: @kzombi3 @thethiefofyou​ @cupcakeparody​ @themonsterslut​ @turquoisesiren​ @hq-volleybabes​ @maybones and anyone else who would like to do this.