#I needed to vent somewhere about this bc I’m having a bad day

[sad-lime]

One of my best friends often gives me unsolicited advice which pisses me off when anyone does it but her doing it especially pisses me off because it’s usually things I already know and don’t want to hear

[tellie-vision-art]

…

[chvoswxtch]

Hello my love! I love the way you write Frank (AND Matt, but im in a Frank mood tonight). I’m not sure if you’re taking requests rn, but if you are, I love to submit one!! Tbh I’m so sick of how douchey guys are these days on apps, and the “oh you just wanted a free meal” behavior and dating rn is the fucking worst. What’s your take on a situation where you’re friends with Frank and you complain about how badly men behave these days, and he offers to take you on a real date and treat you right? Bc I could use a Frank to rescue me and treat me right rn 😫

hello my darling! thank you so much, omg. you're too kind🥺

ok first of all when I say you are PREACHING to the damn CHOIR !!! I tried a few dating apps and I loathed every single one of them. straight up was not having a good time. it was an absolute travesty, so I feel for you so hard right now angel.

this is my first time doing a headcannon so this is super exciting and i'm happy we get to do this together!! because you absolutely DESERVE a frankie to rescue you and treat you right because you are a goddamn CATCH you are a GLOWING GODDESS and anyone should be so heckin LUCKY as to go on a date with you ❤️

headcannon is going to be below the cut bc y'all know I get carried away, especially with my baby frankie

frank castle & dating apps

first things first: frank castle is very old fashioned, so the idea of a dating app probably not only confuses the fuck out of him but also makes him grimace. like the man without a doubt hates texting, preferring an actual phone call instead, and most likely comes up with a million different threats to your security and worst case scenarios when you teach him about online dating

"don't you wanna meet someone the old fashioned way? how can you tell they're not a complete asshole just by a picture and a few words? what if they ain't who they say they are? you still got that knife I gave ya?"

frank already made you share your location with him a long time ago for safety reasons but now makes you text him the address of wherever it is you're going on these "dates" as well as check in with him every hour

he would probably be adamant about coming with you and sitting in a corner somewhere so he could keep an eye on you but you quickly shot that down bc it's frank and he's very hard to miss and you would have a hard time explaining to your date why that big guy across the room looks like he's seconds away from committing murder (you know exactly which look i'm talking about)

frank requests you send him a picture of whatever guy you're meeting just in case he needs to hunt him down find him if you don't check in or something happens, and never hesitates to offer a look of utter disdain and merciless judgment when you finally send it

"really? you're goin' on a date with this? the options on them apps that goddamn bad, sweetheart?"

frank is extremely shameless in verbally eviscerating every single guy you show him or tell him about and never misses an opportunity to make his opinions known

one night you storm into his apartment without knocking (a common occurrence he's finally gotten used to) and plop down next to him on the couch with a glass a wine (he made a mental note to keep the kind you like on hand at all times) and start to vent about your latest disaster date

the guy made you drive nearly an hour out of your way to meet him at a sketchy dive bar, spent the whole night talking about himself and cutting you off every time you spoke, and then had the AUDACITY to ask you to cover the tab because he "forgot" his wallet at home (this actually happened to me once)

frank can't take it anymore. this online dating thing has been going on for months and every time you vent to him about these assholes, it gets harder and harder for him to control his feelings for you because he's supposed to be your friend and the guys you've been going out with look nothing like him and as much as he wants to be with you, he's scared to ruin the one good thing he has. so, frank hatches a plan

"alright, I can't take this shit anymore. don't make plans friday night. we're goin' out."

he says it so nonchalantly, you almost don't catch what he means. you splutter out your wine, staring over at frank because there's no way he just asked you out on a date??? frank catches your look and offers a timid smile, reaching over to squeeze your knee gently

"relax. i'm just gonna show you what a real date should be like. you've been on so many shitty ones, I don't even know if you know what a good one is. let me help you raise your standards a bit."

let me tell you something, frank castle knows a thing or two about romance. this man goes ALL OUT. picking you up at your door (on time, early even), flowers in hand (your favorites bc he actually listens when you talk), is the most dressed up you've ever seen him (it's a dress shirt and jeans but he's usually covered in blood so), opens all the doors for you and pulls out your chair, takes you to a restaurant he knew you would love bc he knows your favorite dish & dessert, spends the whole night asking you questions about things he's always wanted to know about you, makes you laugh with silly jokes and stories, and tells you several times throughout the night how beautiful he thinks you look

you've always had a crush on frank (how could you not honestly) so you were a nervous wreck about the whole thing and what it meant for your friendship and if he was just doing this to be nice because he felt sorry for you or if he actually liked you back

but the date is not only the best one you've ever been on but also the easiest because it's frank and he's your best friend and you've never felt more comfortable or at ease with someone and when the check comes it makes your heart sink because you never want this date to end, even if it isn't real

the entire walk back to your apartment there's a palpable nervous energy between the two of you and his hands are in his pockets but you desperately wish they were holding yours and when you stop at your door there's a million thoughts racing through your head that you wanna say but the look in frank's eyes steals the oxygen straight out of your lungs

"listen I uh...know I said this was just to show you how a real date should be and what not, and I did mean that but...I really just wanted to show you how you should be treated ya'know. how...how I would treat you, if you'd let me. i'd give you the goddamn world if you asked, sweetheart. I don't know if I read tonight wrong, but I know I could be the right man for you, and I think you know that too. at least, I hope you do. there's nothin' I wouldn't do for you, honey. I understand if you don't feel the same way-"

you don't even let frank finish that sentence before you're dragging him down by his collar and crashing your lips together because holy shit frank, your frank, wants you just as much as you want him

needless to say you invite him up and show him just how much you want him despite his weak attempt at trying to continue to be a gentleman

"sweetheart, we can take it slow. I don't mind-" "frank I swear to god if you don't take your pants off right now, i'm never kissing you again." "yes ma'am."

[compassionatereminders]

I was wondering if it’s okay to vent? You can totally delete this- you don’t even have to read it, I just.. need somewhere to put it

I got into it with my sister really bad a few days ago. I said that you can’t be friends with different political beliefs and she asked if we can’t be friends because we have different political beliefs- and it lead to this whole thing. I’m not going to play the victim or anything, I know for a fact I was disrespectful (I’ve apologized, doesn’t make it right) I called her an asshole and a dick, in retaliation she said I was a self centered spoiled brat, stupid, ungrateful, insane, and asked if I love our mom because our mom bc mom and I have different political beliefs and I started crying.

I can handle people being rude/hurting my feelings but I can’t handle frustration and I always end up crying when I’m super frustrated/can’t articulate my thoughts into words (which has lead to people saying I can dish it out and not take it). And now everytime I say the word “I” or talk too much- I feel like a total bitch. and it’s not that I don’t care about them- I just thought they’d tell me how they were/talk about their interest without me having to ask. I mean I ask to a degree but not enough to make them feel like I love them, but I love them so much. I’ll start asking more and being more conservative with how much I talk but I just- i don’t really know. I can’t come back from this.

I'm sorry you had this unpleasant conflict. It always confuses me when people act like caring about political views in relationships is superficial and unfair like. Your values? Your view of the world? How you view and treat other people? I'm not supposed to care about that? That's not supposed to matter to me? Like what the fuck

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi Kait.

It’s been a little while. I hope you’re doing well. <3

I’m always rooting for your success and happiness lol.

I feel bad and sheepish because I never wanna be that person who only ever pops by to like,,, dump a vent when I’m struggling.

I wish I had more fun or creative stuff I could share with you more often.

I think about trying to make you a gift of some sort a lot but I always chicken out. 😔

But tbh I think the reason I feel inclined to come here when I’m feeling bad is because when I am struggling,, that’s when I turn to thoughts of Saeyoung as a source of comfort. And your blog is the best outlet I’ve found to be able to express those feelings haha.

At any rate…

I wonder if you can relate to this experience…?

When I was really sick, my mental health issues actually kinda felt better…?

It’s not like they actually went away or anything.

It’s just that,,, I literally didn’t have the mental capacity to fixate on those things like I normally would. I was deadass too exhausted to indulge my anxious or depressed thoughts and let myself spiral lmao

But now that I’m slowly staring to feel better physically, those old patterns and thoughts and feelings have been creeping back in little by little too :))

(Super unfair if you ask me 🙄 bc I *am* still sick and in pain. Just slightly less so. And now I gotta deal with the mental illness on top of it all? Now my bones hurt AND my tummy hurts AND my silly little pathetic heart hurts. Homophobia at its finest, truly.)

And like… I’m trying really hard to claw my way out of this cute little pit of self-loathing I’ve found myself in.

Especially since I know now, better than ever, that it’s completely pointless…

The world’s gonna keep turning whether I hate myself or not. It’s just a matter of whether or not I’m choosing to make myself miserable in the process.

But,,, you know. It’s never that simple.

And. It’s kinda the “trying hard” that’s been making it hurt tbh.

I can’t stop thinking about the ~injustice~ of how hard Ive tried my whole life to build a future for myself where I could finally feel ~stable and happy and loved~ like I’ve been craving my whole life or whatever. But the universe just keeps saying Sike! Over and over :’)

I had to work so hard just to fuckin survive and keep myself alive my whole childhood.

I never thought I’d be able to go to college,, I didn’t even think it was on the table for me.

But I got lucky and got support and encouragement from my friends,, and somehow I managed to make it. And it meant so much to me. I felt so overjoyed and lucky to be able to be in a place where I didn’t have to worry about my safety all the time, or where I was going to sleep or get my next meal. And better yet,, somewhere where I could pursue my dreams and passions and get a little closer every day to a future I never thought I’d have. :’D

Buuuut then Covid hit, my mental health tanked, and I stopped being able to afford my tuition. And even though I was doing everything I could and DESPERATELY trying to figure things out,, it wasn’t enough. Bc nobody at the school would fuckin help me. And it was so frustrating and upsetting to know that, no matter how good of a student I was (I was a 4.0 student in STEM smh)

And no matter how genuine and passionate I was,,,

It didn’t make a difference. Because all they cared about was my money.

Like. Not to be dramatic. But that shit legit shattered my heart and crushed my soul. :’)

Even so! I told myself,,, hey. It’s okay. You can turn this around. You just have to work harder! Push yourself even further! You’re good at that. You’ve done it before. You just need to get a job and save up so you can go back.

So I got my silly lil minimum wage pet store job.

And goddammit, I was great at that too.

I was the best damn employee at my store, if not the whole company 🙄 bc I’m SMART AND PASSIONATE ABOUT LEARNING AND HELPING ANIMALS AND CREATING BETTER LIVES FOR THEM. UGH. 😤

Worked my tits off for a year and a half. Saved up as much as I could. Got over halfway to my goal that would allow me to finally move away from my home state that I’ve always hated. Go back to school. And really and truly get a shiny new ~fresh start~

But then the universe was like, HA bitch you thought!

You actually worked *too* hard this time and now your body is broken.

So… all that money you just saved up…?

POOF! That’s all going to your medical bills now.

Or at least. A tiny fraction of your medical bills :)

And now you can’t keep working to pay those bills off, or save up more money to go back to school. Because you’re too sick!

So like… good luck I guess??

And now I’m here having to deal with the fact that my friends who started school at the same time as me are graduating this semester.

And I’m just. Spending all my days alone in my room helpless and lonely and rotting :)))

It just really stinks that even though I’ve been trying so hard my whole life and putting SO MUCH of myself into literally everything I do,,, it’s never seemed to pay off.

In fact it feels like if anything, all it’s done is come back to bite me in the ass and make the failure hurt worse in the end.

🙄🙄 big “please please please let me get what I want by the smiths” moment

But anyways *ahem*

Like I said,,,,,

Whenever I get to feeling like this. I definitely always end up thinking about and coming back to Saeyoung.

Because… different life situations, obviously.

I’m glad at least I haven’t had to check “lost twin” or “being a secret agent” off my trauma bingo card yet.

But then again. I never thought I’d check off medical trauma either and look how that turned out, so who knows what the future has in store for me? 💀

At any rate,,, I know he’d be able to empathize, and understand those feelings.

More so than anyone I’ve ever met in real life, probably.

That’s definitely a huge part of why he came to mean so much to me in the first place. And why he’s the character I come back to time and time again when things start feeling really unfair.

And,, knowing just how and why he’d be able to understand and relate to those feelings is a big part of why I love him so much…

I just get so overwhelmed any time I get caught up thinking about that man’s endless capacity for goodness and love. Even through all the shit he’s been through. And how,, no matter how hurt he was, how hopeless he felt, or how much he *wanted* to give up. He never ever could. Because that’s just who he is,, if there’s even the slimmest margin of a chance that he could do something to make the world better for his loved ones, he’d drag himself there to the point of physically falling apart and not even think twice about it.

And like,,, yeah,,, it’s an issue in its own right and breaks my heart to think of how far he’d go for others while having so little regard for himself.

But also,,,,, it’s so admirable 😭 I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Saeyoung Choi is made of love.

And like,,, more than just Ye Olde “self-destruction in the name of helping his loved ones” thing,, I also get so worked up just thinkin about him being his silly dorky self,,

And again just… through everything,, even when he tried to convince himself that it was a front and he wasn’t actually like that,,, he never stopped being bright and curious and passionate,,, because that IS who he is,,, he’s a NERD and he genuinely loves learning and trying new things and having fun,,, and spreading that joy to the people around him. 🥹❤️

It just makes me wanna fuckin SMOTHER him with all of the affection and appreciation I could ever possibly muster up. And tell him over and over and over again how incredible and kind and brave and strong and special he is, and how much I love and adore him, and how lucky and proud I feel to even exist in the same universe as someone so earnestly and relentlessly Good. 🥺🥺

I would simply like to love him to death dhdjdjd

And like. I guess it’s cathartic to me to imagine being able to do that and say those things to him.

And to really just,,, bask in those overwhelming feelings of affection.

Bc I guess that’s how I wish someone would see and feel about me 😅 and that I could have someone in my life who would see how hard I try,, and be proud of me, and make me feel like I have value outside of my achievements in life (or,,, lack thereof). And like,,,, love me for all the times I kept going even when it hurt. That would be cool,,,,

Me out here since 2016 trying to fix myself by fixing Saeyoung ��💀

Literally even now I feel better than I did when I started typing this message having thought about him and how much I love him fjfjfjf

Kuz,,, there’s the catharsis in thinking about being able to say those things that i wish I could hear myself to someone else.

But then there’s the added layer of self-indulgent catharsis of being able to be like,,,

I mean, hey, Saeyoung probably *would* see you in a similar light,,, if anyone would be able to understand and appreciate those things in me, it would be him. :’D

We are,,, the pointing Spider-Man meme,,, but make it gay dhdhdj

And that shit is,,, overwhelming to think about.

Ahh the euphoria of loving Saeyoung Choi shdhjd

And,, imagining a world where he loves me back just as much,,,

That’s nice,,, :’D

Anyways. I don’t know where I intended on going with this. I feel like I’m just awkwardly talking in circles and not making sense.

And I didn’t mean to get as vent-y as I did there.

I guess I just was all tangled up in my thoughts about all this shit and wanted to try and articulate that side of why Saeyoung means so much to me.

And to have an excuse to gush about my precious little meow meow. 🤡

As usual,,, if you’ve actually taken the time to read through this mess. Thank you haha.

Wishing you the best, always. ❤️❤️❤️

Don't worry, I get where you're coming from.

I had the same experience, similar, anyway. I thought college was the way out and went like I was "supposed" to. I suffered for a long time as a child in an abusive, impoverished environment, and there was no way out but a single door that everyone sold me. Well, as soon as the door closed on high school, my body started to give up. I dealt with a single diagnosis at first, and then, by the next time Spring Break was around, I had two more issues that would nearly cause me to lose my life.

Being on death's door after you've fought so hard to escape is a sick joke, and it's hard to put that grief into words. I'm sure you know what I mean, though. You think you're getting out and then it feels like God is laughing in your face. As if to say, "You thought you were allowed to be happy and free? Ha! Sike!" Hitting rock bottom with those types of emotions is not fun in the slightest. I still feel grief in that way when a bad day comes along. Even if you're working through your feelings, a bad flare will make you struggle.

Being Disabled and Chronically Ill means you're in a perpetual loop of "I'm okay with this" > "I hate this" > "This is okay sometimes" > "Why is it that I'm being punished" > "I can't take it anymore" > "This is... okay. I am okay".

You cycle through acceptance, anger, grief, begging, and everything that comes with loss. We don't have to be okay with our struggles, you know? It's not something people can understand unless it's their experience. Sure, if someone close to you is that sick, you might be able to understand, but not all of it. It's something that can't be put into words. Sometimes, the hardest part is trying to get someone to understand that you won't get better. You will only get worse. It's not like a broken arm.

I want you to know that I've been there. Stuck in a bedroom for years and it hurt. I lost out on experiences because I didn't have support in the way I needed. I had to become my own doctor and advocate the second I realized the healthcare system latched onto my anxiety to blame for all my problems. I haven't had health care in years because America is a piece of shit, but I don't think anyone should be forced to become more intelligent than their doctor to save their life. Then, you have to act like you know nothing because if you know too much, they think you doom scroll health conditions online.

But, that's another thing. You get used to it. You shrug. Your pain is a 7 to an average person but to you, it's a 2. You get used to it. You just learn how to adapt. You forget what not being in pain feels like. I can't remember what it felt like to not have something hurt!

Mental health and physical health are other things. When you've got to deal with both of them, it's weird. You might have a bad day with a flare but your mental health is just fine, vice versa, or the opposite of that. If you're in too much physical pain to think, you're not going to think about your depression. You just sleep. God, one thing that did happen to me was that my compulsive hand-washing started to be something I did less because I physically couldn't get out of bed at one point and I just said, "Fuck it. I can't do it. It's fine."

Still have that issue but it's not what it was. It's hard to explain how these issues clash with each other.

Haha. Anyway, I get it. I know what you mean about Saeyoung 'cause I feel the same way about Saeran. I met the RFA in 2016. I was on the door of death, not knowing what was coming next, and they saved a life that day. I don't know where I'd be without this game. Everyone in the group helped me see a chance to live.

Saeyoung was one of the first, too. I love him like a brother because I saw my sacrifices in him. I'm like him in that sense. I would throw my life on the line to see someone else happy. That's not always a good trait because you need to protect yourself, too.

You can't always give to others. Sometimes, you need to be selfish. But, having him by your side to empathize with is cathartic, you're right. He gets it. He knows what you mean and he doesn't judge.

You love him because you see yourself in him. You know he's capable of love, just like you are, and you know that he's safe. He'd know that you're safe, too. He knows you better than you know yourself, and I'd dare say it's the same way the other way around. That's why it's easy to love him. You know he'll never let go of you. You know he'll always fight for you. You want to be fought for, you want to be loved, and you want a chance to be validated the way you validate Saeyoung.

I'd say there's nothing wrong with that.

I look to Saeran because he'd get me. He's been just as sick as I've been and I wouldn't have to tell him what's wrong in detail. I could just look at him with pain in my soul, and he'd know. He'd get it and I wouldn't have to explain it. He'd just hold me... like I'd just hold him at his lowest moment. I feel like loving him makes me a better person. It reminds me that I have to try to treat myself the way I'd treat him... and the way he'd treat me. He'd want me to see something good even at the worst, and that helps me more than a lot of things.

So, I'd say, if you feel low... think about how Saeyoung would fight for you and help that inspire you to fight for yourself. Because he loves you and he always will, even if the galaxy keeps the two of you apart from one another. If you feel a flutter in your chest, it's him, calling out to your heart with a prayer you'll smile again.

And just remember, talking about your grief helps. Don't ball it up. If you have to write something down to let it out, do it. Never hesitate.

[ask-hannah-blog]

Hey it's uh, Pretzel here. Probably a bad idea I keep calling myself that but darn it internet anonymity matters to me! At least for now, if I could talk to Pretzel the Clown right now I get the feeling they would disagree. Too bad for them they're not driving this meatbag body of mine just yet!

Anyhoo, just wanted to talk about this Cassidy girl a bit. I wish I had met her, the human version of her I mean. She seemed like a sweet gal. I've seen videos of other fully turned Clowns like her. I dunno, I guess for me it's kinda chilling. I look at that and I keep thinking "wow, is this what I'm gonna be like soon? A comple joke that no one will ever take seriously?" I don't have very many friends, nor does my family like me (long story, #transrights). I guess it's just a weird thought to know that eventually to society I'll just be some wacky clown walking the streets doing pervy shit to debase themselves with no end goal other than making people laugh. I wonder if clowns still need to take estrogen lol. I guess that would be nice to not worry about anymore.

Personally right now my biggest worry is my major buck tooth problem. Big dumb overbite like that Cassidy girl. Makes me feel like a beaver lol. I think my newest urges are probably the ideas I keep getting about adding Cartwheels and similar stunts to my yoga routine every morning.

Sorry for all the rambling, I guess it just feels nice to have somewhere I can vent a bit about all this clown stuff that's (literally) taken over my life. My plushies say hello btw. Honk Honk and all that 👋💝🤡

🥨

Pretzel!

Yes, trust me girl I was silently screaming my whole time with Cassidy. Part of me was really happy she’d gotten over the shame she felt last time we talked in public, but goodness a little shame is healthy.

If you’re in the middle of nowhere I can do see your fear of becoming your town’s weird wandering clown. I know I’m so thankful for all my friends, patients, Daisy, and my sister. I’m very lucky I have so many people to share the load. I’m glad I’m at least giving a place bc where you can air your frustration.

I know exactly what you mean about the transformation. I would give anything for a tf that would let me keep my practice. Just the thought of being so aimless scares me.

As far as Estrogen goes, I’ll try to find a journal I was reading the other day, but clowns on estrogen have reported supercharged effects as their change progresses.

And I like buck teeth personally, but they do admittedly make you look kind of dumb. I shared a boyfriend with this bimbo is college who had Buck teeth, oh my gosh I loved watching her use her mouth.

Anyway, good to hear from you! Give those plushies a hug for me! Honk honk!

[the-fandom-abyss]

i feel like you’re handling yourself as best as you could be in a situation like this. and saying it’s been 7 years of if i get it can be quite frustrating and you for sure would expect some sort of growth from her.

a big question (can be an invasive one): is your partner seeking help for her anxiety? bc if no, then looking into that may help!

though things that have helped me be able to still be able to go out with my gf is: i have bad silent panic attacks initially in a large crowd bc of feeling unsafe etc so we make a plan in case i can’t manage it, even with trying, of leaving or just going somewhere quiet for a short time to ground again. grounding for me has been just her touch at some point and just to know everything is okay. it can be dependant on the person and triggers to what conversations to be had and what will work. if we are going somewhere to eat either she orders for me or helps me with knowing how to say things properly (ik it sounds stupid but it’s a way to still be able to go out without a stressor). i found for me just little things. if i decide to stay home and she goes out, she’ll come back and just cuddle with me and watch movies (or whatever i want but if tired then it’ll just be another day)

just idk if she’s the type of person who will sit with you and have a civilised conversation about ways to reduce stressors and anxiety triggers etc to have a more enjoyable time. that’s what i did with my gf, i told her the aspects that stressed me the most about different situations and she helped me together to come up with plans and ideas to make it less stressful (this is taken as far as trying clothes on, she’ll take it up for me and go with me the whole time). i definitely feel so stupid for my anxiety like all the time bc i just can’t do the most simple things but i don’t just use it as an excuse either. i work through it and you should never be blamed like that bc from what i’ve gathered is you don’t force her. i’d never blame my gf if i went out and had a horrible time and wished it was different.

idk if any of this will help you both should be able to listen and talk to each other in a way where it’s like a casual conversation and if things get tense then maybe just have a space to go to collect thoughts again and lower the tension before returning to it.

i also want you to know that you are doing your best, you are trying. you aren’t selfish for wanting your needs met as well. you aren’t selfish or a bad partner for doing preplanned things with or without! it’s a hard situation to manage, it’s impacting your own social needs and social life which isn’t right <3 also never be sorry and always rant/vent if you need to! letting it out is good!

-🐝

At this moment in time, she isn’t seeking help for her anxiety (with money and all that) but she has mentioned that she would like to in the future. So she is open to exploring her anxiety and develop some healthy habits around it.

Those are some amazing strategies! I’m happy that you and your gf can be a grounding factor for each other 🥰 and it’s totally not stupid to get clarification on what to say! My gf writes down the orders on my phone so I can read off it like a speech or else I’ll panic and get the wrong thing. ALSO if they start to ask extra questions, I have the answers right in front me me! So I feel you bee anon, I am the exact same!

I would love to get to that point in our relationship where we break everything down and build it back up. I personally think the reason why we have yet to reach that is because in terms of what we need and want, we are very black and white. There is no in between, so I know that’s something that we need to work on more.

Thank you little bee, I appreciate you and your words ❤️

[passionbruise]

it’s almost the one year anniversary of the era where my cat made me wanna kms and it’s happening again ouo

[moemammon]

When I was in High School, my crush and I got into a fight and neither of us were talking to each other. One day I was headed up the stairwell to get to my science class, when I saw them coming up from behind... I don't think they had even noticed me yet considering that they were busy talking to their friend BUT I am slow going up stairs so even if I rushed up the stairs roadrunner style they would have caught up to me, well; the little corner that connects the steps going up to the second floor and the steps heading down to the ground floor had a large open window... and I jumped out, like I literally just jumped out. I didn't even think it through, I just saw the window and my body was like "Yep, IK what to do." I landed on a bush or tree? It's too big to call a bush but too small to call a tree, landed in a squat before my feet gave out and I fall onto my knees and got two large grass stains on my jeans knee part, couldn't walk right either after that landing, I was shaky all day lol but it was a risk well calculated bc the whole thing would have been so awkward. I mean we used to be like BFFS before the rumors began and then they started and we just stopped talking without warning, we couldn't even look at each other. Our science partners, bc we were in groups of four, literally got fed up of our bullshit bc we literally refused to acknowledge the others existence... anyway, I digress...

Anyway, this whole story is a long winded way of me requesting how the brothers would react to an MC that literally just jumps out windows to avoid awkward moments, or to dodge people that want to ask them for favors, or when they straight up want to avoid someone?

And sorry about the large ass message, but thanks for letting me vent

You have a special place in my heart, window-jumping anon. Just uhhhhhhh look down next time okay? Ily

The Demon Brothers react to GN!MC jumping out of a window to avoid an awkward moment

(Mario jumping sound effect)

Lucifer

He approached you after class to ask exactly what you were snickering at your D.D.D. about during class.

Must've been real funny if you weren't listening to your lecture, huh?

"I imagine you've somehow found something worthy of laughing about in Demonology 101?"

You do not have the guts to tell him that you and Mammon were texting back and forth, abusing a new photo editing app to alter pictures of the eldest himself.

I mean, take a wild guess about how he’d react to seeing how big you edited his head to be-

The avatar of pride lets his eyes pierce into you, like he's trying to stare a hole through your blanket of "uh"s and "um"s,

You don't exactly see a way out of this one, but you can NOT let Lucifer see your photo gallery.

So you glance to your left to the open classroom window, and do the only thing you can think of: you jump.

Luckily you're on the ground floor so you??? really didn't have to jump so dramatically. But the fact that you yeeted yourself into a bush JUST to escape has left Lucifer speechless.

Honestly? He so impressed with your dedication that he's not gonna stop you. Besides, he's gonna see you back at home anyway so-

Also thinks you might be hanging around Mammon too much because that 100% seems like a stunt he’d pull.

Mammon

GIVE GOLDIE BACK RIGHT NOW

He KNOWS Lucifer told you to bring the credit card to him, and he demands to know where it's hidden! He's positive you know where it is!

But you don't really though?? You just brought the card to him like you were asked. If anything, you're the victim here!

But Mammon isn't having that. The avatar of greed is circling around you like an angry cat, patting you all over like airport security to see if you've got his beloved card.

"Where is it, huh?! Ya really think you can steal from THE Mammon?! Even if Lucifer told ya to, who do ya think you are?!"

When he has confirmed that you don't in fact have his previous Goldie, he's now cornering you up against a wall.

If looks could kill, you would've exploded into a fine powder

And you feel like your mental strength is about to do just that. So what do you do after you notices the slightest of breezes caress your face?

You jump outta that open window, before Mammon can even finish his "Wh- Oi! What're ya-"

Even though you just face planted into the garden, you're up on your feet and making a mad dash for somewhere that wasn't here.

Mammon lets you run for ten while seconds before he's hopping out after you. You think you can outfox the Great Mammon?! Think again!!!

Levi

You... weren't interested in this movie in the slightest, but you didn't have the heart to tell Levi that. Especially not after he’d begged/harassed you for the past week about watching it with him!

Reluctantly you agreed, and now you were suffering,,,But Levi was ecstatic! This movie was a classic! Sure it was an old one and the acting was a little bad, but you could overlook that if you watched it with your heart, not your eyes!

According to Levi.

You managed to keep your eyes open for the grueling one and a half hour movie, enduring every corny line of bad acting, horrible CGI, and lame sound effects straight out of a 90s super hero movie, and now the hell was finally over...

Or so you though, until Levi followed that up by immediately pulling out a cosplay outfit worn by one of the supporting characters in the show.

Funny how it seemed specifically tailored to your measurements. Even funnier how Levi was looking at you with those damned eyes.

You knew what he wanted without him even having to say it. But one look at the gaudy outfit he presented to you made your heart burn with a sudden indescribable urge.... to escape.

Honestly you caught him so off guard by suddenly getting up and sprinting out of the room, that he makes a sound that's pretty much the noise equivalent of "?!?!?!?!?!?"

He watches you run down to the end of the hall, throw the window open, and fuckin JUMP. Pretty sure he just witnessed your death??

Also this kinda solidified his 'gross otaku' mentality, seeing as you literally jumped out of a window to get out of cosplaying with him. A simple no would've sufficed, MC.......,.,,..,,,

Hey gamers... can we get an F in the chat? 😔✌️💦

Satan

Satan lent you a book to read last week that he was sure you'd be interested in! He found it pretty interesting himself, so he wants to see if you'd like it as much as he did.

That being said, you don't have the heart to tell him that you,,, didn't read any of it. Well you kind of did, if the cover counts for anything.

You doubt he would accept that as an answer, considering how you told him how much you appreciated receiving the book, and how you'd definitely read it and let him know how it was.

So now, Satan had come into your room with two cups of tea, ready to settle down and have a nice, long talk about your thoughts on the riveting plot that you promised you would indulge in.

"I'm really glad you decided to read it. I found that the protagonist reminded me a lot like you. I'd like to know what you thought about it."

Satan sets down the tea cups, and one sip tells you that he brewed it exactly the way you like.

His expression is eager and warm as he waits for you to begin gushing about just how deeply the story touched you... how absolutely moved you are by the sheer majesty that was the book he lent you...

Okay yeah, you're sweating bullets. You can't imagine how the sparkly eyed avatar of wrath would react to learning that you chose the company of your D.D.D. over Satan's book.

You don't have such an ice cold hard that you can just crush this book nerds dreams like that! And every time you look at his expectant face, the weight of your crimes weigh heavier on you until... you break.

Satan watches in shock and awe as you almost perfectly reenact the big scene where the main character leaps out of the window of a building rigged to explode, before making their escape. And you did just that.

Wow.. he never thought you could be so moved by a story, but he completely understands...

Asmo

How many outfits, Asmo. HOW MANY OUTFTITS WILL IT TAKE TO APPEASE YOU?

He's made you model TWELVE outfits so far, and you swear if you see another ascot, you're gonna lose your mind.

Asmodeus doesn't seem to notice the way the light slowly fades from your eyes, because he's pulling out outfit number thirteen with that cheery smile of his.

"Isn't this one absolutely adorable? Look, this part will look lovely around your waist! This part here hugs your body in all the right places, and this-"

You can't do it. You've gotta get out of here. You'd love to stand around and get mild rug burn from trying on a billion different clothes, but-

Actually no you wouldn't.

You DID promise Asmo you'd hang out with him today, but this wasn't really your idea of a good time.

"-Oooh, just thinking about it makes me want to eat you up~! Here, put it on for me, will you? I'll give you a kiss as a reward!"

You would do no such thing.

You make a mad dash for his ornate window and push it open. He has no time to stop you as he helplessly watches you vault yourself out like the room was on fire.

"MC?! Wh-where are you going?? Come back here! Grass stains are impossible to get out of that fabric!!!"

Beel

He means well. I swear he does. It's just that Beel can be a little... overbearing when he's worried about you. He cares, okay?

But he hasn't seen you eat anything all day! You tell him it's because you've got a stomach ache from who knows what, and you promise you've had little snacks here and there to keep from starving, but he can't accept that!

Eating is important, and you need it to survive. So Beelzebub was currently trying to nudge your mouth open with a pizza slice, while you vehemently refused. "Just one bite. And then another after that. You have to eat, or you'll go hungry... and I don't want that."

Beel knows the true pain of being hungry, and he’d never wish that on you! So just forget about your stomach ache for two seconds and open up-

Not that you really can. The aroma of that pizza was not sitting well on your stomach, and you were pretty sure you needed a fast escape or you'd risk losing your lunch. Greasy foods didn't exactly mix well with sour stomachs...

Beel still won't let up. He has a strong hand planted firmly on the small of your back, as if trying to prevent you from leaning back any further in your attempt to escape the pizza.

"If you eat this, I'll treat you to dessert at Madam Screams," he says, as if bribing your refusal of food USING food will somehow work out.

You can't break his heart, but you seriously can't eat that! Your head is spinning, thoughts racing, face becoming greasier and greasier from the pizza pressed against it, and-

You snap. In a sudden burst of strength you break free from Beel's grasp, and sprint toward the nearest window. All you see is your chance for freedom, and you're taking it.

You leap out and tumble into the ground, all while Beelzebub wonders what?? Just happened???? Did you really hate pizza that much...?

He never knew you were such a picky eater... To think you'd go so far as to jump out of the window though...

Belphie

You thought it was cute at first, when Belphegor wanted you to join him for his naps. And you didn't mind much. It was the weekend, you were tired, and he makes a pretty good body pillow.

But you didn't realize he planned for this to become an everyday thing. The youngest might not act it, but he sure could be spoiled.

But seriously, if you slept any longer, you might never have a normal sleep schedule again! It never occurred to you just how often Belphie sleeps.

He's definitely not human, because there's no way you can keep up with that, and maintain a normal lifestyle.

But the way he quietly, gently grabs your sleeve to cue your next nap session makes your heart clench. Why was it so damned hard to say no to this gremlin??

You were trying your best though, but the words always seemed to get caught in your throat. Belphie picked apart your excuses, doing everything in his power to take you back to the attic.

"You can study when you wake up." "Mammon wants to go shopping? Reschedule." "Lucifer told you not to be late to the board meeting? Just hide."

You're starting to get sucked into the sleepy lull of his voice, and it feels like your entire body is becoming heavy with fatigue. But no.... you resist!

Since there's no escaping this through words, you have to think fast. Fortunately, your fast thinking has led to an amazing solution!

Jump out of the window, baby

Belphie is just??? Did you fuckin???? Are your legs okay??????????????

He probably stops asking you to nap with him for a while, since you're willing to almost break your legs just to get out of it. You're gonna make him have weird dreams....

[tobiosmilktea]

hiii can i request tsumu, kenma, oikawa, and kuroo where they’re in a secret relationship and the reader feels like they’re hiding her bc they’re ashamed of her ? like a hurt too comfort type of thing? thank u bb 🥺🥺

- 🍒

secret relationships w/ atsumu, kenma, oikawa, and kuroo

a/n: i have so many angst requests,, yall must like getting hurt 💀 also this wasn’t as angsty as i thought it was gonna be since im going through writers block yet again and i can not handle pain rn (also not proofread, so read with caution lmao)

— m. atsumu

it honestly surprised you at first, the way someone like miya atsumu returning your feelings the moment you told him you liked him near the start of the school year

there wasn’t that instant gratification though, knowing that one of inarizaki’s golden boys still felt out of your reach

despite being in a relationship with you, it wasn’t like anyone knew of it besides osamu and your closest friend

of course you didn’t really mind as you’ve always thought couples who were obnoxious with their relationships 24/7 and constantly making out in the hallways wasn’t your cup of tea either, so you get why atsumu wanted to keep it a secret

besides, with a guy so popular like him, you really just thought he was sparing you from the harassment (not that it would be bad if all the girls crushing on him new)

you get that he was just trying to protect you, and yet the more you thought of it, the more than it was simply just an assumption and you really didn’t know why your relationship was kept secret

it wasn’t like either of you would get backlash in any way, so what was the problem?

you weren’t exactly the type to be the most insecure either

sure, you were aware of the flaws you had, but it wasn’t something you were ashamed of as you learned to get used to it

yet it’s hard to fully love yourself when your boyfriend isn’t even comfortable with the fact that no one knows you two are even together

you hated jumping to conclusions, but you couldn’t help but to think the worst case scenario—was he ashamed of being with you?

you honestly thought the idea was impossible

if he was seriously ashamed of the thought of being with you in public, why would he even waste all those months dating? were all those dates and nights sneaking out to see each other for nothing?

it was like this for weeks with the way your own thoughts sabotaged you as you stood next to him during lunch

in moments like this in school, surrounded by your classmates and acquaintances, you and atsumu were only friends who sat next to each other occasionally and shared conversations that only friends would have

only friends

god, you hated the way that atsumu wouldn’t even look at you the way that he would when you two are alone

was he that embarrassed to be with you?

you didn’t want six months of all your hard work and effort of making time to be with him for nothing,, you had to do something about it

everyday, you, atsumu, and osamu would walk to school together with osamu typically walking ahead of you and your boyfriend

most couples would hold hands as they walked together, but atsumu had made it explicitly clear as the closer they get to school the farther they had to be from each other to avoid suspicions

thinking of it now, it sounded wrong to begin with and you had no idea why you even agreed to do such a thing

the school was close, maybe a block away and instead of slowing down your pace to create a gap between you and atsumu, you stubbornly stayed next to him to which he flickered you a weird look

he shrugged it off but the moment you two passed the gates and into campus, you slipped your hand into his

without missing a single beat atsumu immediately pulled his hand away from you with a look on his face that held all the questions running through his head at that very moment

“what are you doing?” he asks, almost in a harsh whisper

a frown melted upon your expression at how quickly he pulled away, almost as if he was disgusted by you. “i um, didn’t know you hated the thought of people seeing us together so badly.”

you didn’t know where all your strength went as it disappeared the moment you needed it the most

yet as you were about to walk away, atsumu tugs at your wrist lightly and pulls you into his embrace—his warmth and comforting scent of chamomile from  saved you from the embarrassment that was tainting your cheeks red

“no, no it’s not that,” he mutters, lips tickling your forehead. “i just wanted to keep you to myself a bit longer.”

— k. kenma

you honestly weren’t surprised at the fact that kenma wanted this relationship to be kept secret

he never seemed like the type to be in a relationship let alone get the attention of being in one in the first place, yet it irked you to the core

it was fine at first; acting like you two were just friends while at school or at volleyball practice and it wasn’t at all weird or out of the ordinary

maybe that’s why you were okay with it in the first few months of your relationship with kenma as you were always near him the majority of the time

yet you constantly had to fight the urge to not be so touchy with him from wanting to hold his hand to leaning your head onto his shoulder—you often had to stop yourself especially in front of your friends and his teammates

you were good at keep secrets, but it was absolute hell not being able to even tell kuroo considering you always hung out with him too (it was a given obviously but you digress)

kuroo is a bit curious in his closest friend’s antics so his constant teases of how you and kenma would be such a cute couple annoyed you to your core

he laughs as if you and kenma being together would be absolutely impossible and wouldn’t happen in a million years, and yet here you two were, pretending to laugh at his jokes and agreeing and it would be, in fact, impossible

as mentioned before, you’re more annoyed at keeping your relationship secret rather than angry

your actions were more abrupt and cold rather than your usual warm self and kenma definitely noticed

despite his usual calm and collected expression that he has on a daily basis, it covered up his own emotions of blatant insecurity and worry that you were losing your feelings and losing them quick

the last thing kenma wanted was for everything that happened between the two of you to be wasted over his own fear of being judged for being with you

you were his first in everything and he certainly wasn’t going to let you become his first heartbreak either

he worried about this for a few days, overthinking while he played video games with kuroo, lev, and yaku that they noticed how quiet he was being over the call

it was then did he impulsively asked kuroo to go on a separate voice channel with him just so he could blurt out, “i’m dating (y/n).”

and to his surprise, all his best friend said was: “yeah, i know. (y/n) told me.”

“what? why?” kenma asked with confusion evident on his visage

“she had no one else to go to vent.” kuroo answers, his amused laugh echoing through kenma’s headphones. “don’t worry, i won’t tell anyone.”

“thanks, but... i think (y/n)’s angry at me and i don’t know what to do.”

“she told me that she was getting tired of keeping your relationship a secret. she asked me if you felt embarrassed or even ashamed of being with her.” he explained.

confusion and a bit of worry washed over kenma as his words suddenly faltered, “i could never be ashamed of being with her,”

“then i guess, you should tell her that.”

“what should i do?”

his best friend lets on a smirk (not that kenma could even see it, anyway), “i’m so glad you asked.”

you weren’t exactly sure what you expecting to be honest

you knew there was something going on between kenma and kuroo as if they were planning something intricate, but you weren’t bothered to even ask

perhaps you were still in that petty mindset of giving kenma the cold shoulder after having to keep your relationship on hold all the time that stopped your curiosity

sure, it was a bit childish, but you were planning on talking about it with kenma the moment he came back into the classroom after going off somewhere with kuroo

which by the way, where the hell were they? lunch was ending soon and you needed to talk to you boyfriend asap

the timing was almost perfect the way the thought of him entered your mind was at the same time as his familiar blonde hair walked back into the classroom with a melon bun and a canned drink in his hand from the vending machine—your favorites

“i noticed you didn’t eat lunch, so i bought you this.” he says, placing them down onto your desk.

“is this supposed to be your way of apologizing to me or something?” you mused at him.

there was a faint smile on kenma’s face when you did. this was your usual self, one that constantly smiled at him rather than deadpanned and cold. “no,” he simple put it. taking in a breath of confidence before pressing his lips on the corner of yours. “but i was hoping that would.”

with wide eyes, your eyes scanned the room to see if anyone noticed, afraid at the fact that you broke the first rule. despite being a blushing mess from a minuscule peck on your cheek, there was an inkling of confusion still evident within you, “why did you do that?”

“kuroo told me everything.”

“i knew that guy couldn’t keep a secret,” you mutter as you tried to ignore that infamous feeling of butterflies in the pit of your stomach. “i don’t think people saw, so they won’t think we’re together—”

“what if i wanted people to know we’re together?” ded asf

— o. tooru

you honestly should’ve known oikawa was going to keep this relationship between the two of you a secret since the moment he confessed his feelings to you

what else could you have expected from aoba johsai’s most popular boy wonder with an actual fanclub full of naive girls

perhaps you’ve become naive yourself considering you dealt with months of having your relationship constantly being swept under the rug, psyching yourself out that he was doing this for your sake

and you understood that

it was the reason why you even agreed to keep your relationship on the downlow considering how annoyingly notorious oikawa’s fangirls were, they wouldn’t have let you see the light of day if they were to find out

if you were in fact being honest, there was a period in time near the beginning of the relationship how cautious you were being—barely talking to oikawa unless it had to do with school, avoiding his gazes during class, and even swallowing your pride by just watching his fangirls flirt with him and there was nothing you could do about it

you honestly had to give yourself a pat on the bat for dealing with six months of this treatment

you figured it wouldn’t be that bad, especially after schools where you and oikawa could finally have alone time to yourselves, but even those times alone with him there was a lingering feeling of tension and unease

the thought of someone from school even finding out of you two being  together even affected your relationship outside of school hours

you were tired of waiting outside the school gates for hours just for him to come out of volleyball practice and apologize that he couldn’t walk you home yet again

you figured that oikawa had grown far to used to seeing you waiting for him all the time that it was practically common sense that he was going to reject you again and again

you had to stop waiting for him at some point, but there was an inkling inside that for once, just for once, he would look at you with a smile so sweet that he would finally go with you

but not once has it happened

was he really that afraid of people finding out of his relationship with you that he’s willing to disregard all your hard work to even make this thing (whatever is was) to even happen?

if you were truly being honest with yourself, the only reason why this relationship is still up and active for this long is all because of you

you’re the one always asking him when he’s available during the weekends so you two could finally see each other, you’re the one always texting him first, you’re the one always being the most understanding of the situation

and yet it’s almost like oikawa isn’t even batting an eye at how difficult it has been for you

you absolutely hated jumping to conclusions and thinking of the worst case scenario and yet here you were, suddenly drowning at the possibility that the only reason why oikawa wanted a secret relationship was because he was ashamed to be with you

it was a thought that kept you up at night, tainting your optimistic thoughts of hope that this relationship would actually work out to decimate into thin air

the more is simmered in your head, the worse it became—what if his feelings that he confessed to you was a lie?

you hated overthinking

but if you really thought about it, even before you and oikawa dated, neither of you two were close. just two acquaintances in the same class that occasionally shared answers with each other just by the convenience of sitting nearby

you even went as far as believing that him dating you was just a joke, that this whole goddamn relationship was just some mindless prank just because he was bored

six months of wasted time. you were over it

the next day at school, you didn’t even look at him, you didn’t smile or even acknowledge the way he said good morning to you (as a friend does)

you figured he’s probably too dense to even notice, but he did. the usual glow you had each morning when you said good morning back to him was gone

he already missed the way your gazes would meet and how he would constantly find himself lost in your irises, but now you couldn’t even look at him in the eye

the only person who’s aware that you and oikawa were dating was iwaizumi. it was a given as who else would oikawa ramble on and on and on about how pretty you looked or how smart you are if it wasn’t his best friend?

if anything, iwa was the only guy oikawa could complain about how you were ignoring him

“maybe she’s bored of you for once,” iwaizumi cuts straight to the point. there was really no point in beating around the bush

offense was written all over oikawa’s face, utterly surprised, “how could she?”

“you can’t keep your relationship with her a secret forever, you know.” his best friend goes on to explain, “with the way things are going with you two acting like you’re nothing but acquaintances, (y/n)’s bound to lose her feelings.”

“but i don’t want her to lose feelings for me! and it’s not like i can suddenly tell all my fangirls that i’m dating someone, they’ll freak!” whines oikawa.

“why do you care about your fangirls’ feelings more than your own girlfriend? seems to me, it doesn’t even look like you care about (y/n) at all the way she’s constantly waiting for you after practice only to be rejected.”

it’s obvious iwaizumi wasn’t here to sugarcoat

“i just don’t want them to harass (y/n)...” oikawa reasons, trying to ignore the way his heart drop at iwa’s words like a gripping poison

“then that’s your job to tell those girls to back off.” he suggests, “they literally treat you like a god, surely they’ll listen if you tell them to leave her alone.”

the following day, you came across oikawa waiting outside your door, dressed in his uniform with his gaze lingering about to occupying his attention

“what are you doing here?” you ask him as you close your front door behind you. he’s probably here to break up with you, you thought to yourself

you had to force yourself to ignore the way your heart dropped at your own self-destructive thoughts

taking a deep breath as you approached him, you readied yourself for harsh news to come your way

but it never did

instead, you were greeted by oikawa’s infamous smile that made everyone at school to fall in love with this guy (including you)

he takes your hand into his, intertwining his calloused fingers that dwarfed yours in size. you don’t remember the last time you held oikawa’s hand, but it felt so familiar and warm

it was like home

you couldn’t help but feeling the ends of your lips tugging into a smile as you looked up at him, “what if someone at school sees us?”

you were expecting some kind of excuse, but all he did was shrug. “who cares?”

— k. tetsurou

when you and kuroo started going out, you certainly wasn’t expecting it to be like this

if anything, ‘going out’ would be a stretch if you count late night dates and sneaking out at midnight just to see each other as dating

it certainly wasn’t your usual definition of dating either as you yearned greatly to be able to do normal couple things with your boyfriend—like actually going out on dates during the day, eating lunch together, hell, even just holding hands!

it almost seemed laughable how normal things done in relationships were something you never even experienced with kuroo even after a few months of being together all due to him wanting to keep the relationship a secret

and if you were truly being honest with yourself, you never really understood why he wanted to keep it on the downlow in the first place

you never really questioned it as you just that much of an understanding person, but at a certain point it just wasn’t adding up

it wasn’t like he had girls going after him 24/7 despite being at the top of his class, popular, and nekoma’s volleyball captain

it wasn’t like oikawa who had an actual problem with hoards of girls surrounding him and tracking his ever move, so what was the big deal of letting your relationship public?

it was then did it hit you

the suddenly downpour of insecurity within your own loving boyfriend that you trust so much was getting the best of you

“what if he’s embarrassed to even be with me?” you contemplated in a harsh whisper to your best friend

it was in the middle of lunch and you two were sitting alone on a bench in the school’s courtyard chatting while eating—well, more like overthinking in your case while you friend just sat there and nodded

“if he actually felt that way, then he would’ve broken up with you already.” your friend stated in between bites, “besides, if i didn’t have feelings for someone, i wouldn’t put in the effort to sneak out just to see them.”

you hummed, not sure what to say as she did have a point

but could you really blame yourself for wanting an actual relationship rather than one that’s forced to go unnoticed?

“i should talk to kuroo about it...” you sigh out.

“talk to me about what?” an oh-so-familiar voice calls out to you and your friend

kuroo’s figure approaches the two of you as he give you a curt smile with hidden meanings that you weren’t able to even notice. you were too caught up in your own meddling thoughts that you also didn’t notice the way kuroo frowned slightly at the way you avoided eye contact with him

“nothing,” was all you said before standing up and throwing your trash away. “lunch is almost over so we should all get to class.” was all you said before briskly walking away

kuroo’s brows furrow in confusion as he looks over to your friend, “what’s up with (y/n)?”

“she thinks you’re too embarrassed to be with her, that’s why you hide your relationship.” she cuts straight to the point (homegirl just wants to eat her lunch in peace ffs)

“what?” your boyfriend huffs out in shock, almost offended at the fact that you out of all people would believe such a thing. “why does she think that?”

your friends shrugs, “not sure. that’s something you should be asking her, but if it were me, i would want a normal relationship as well.”

kuroo doesn’t say another word before walking away. and yet his walk quickened so he could catch up to you before you could get to class, footsteps echoing through the hallway in patters as he sees your familiar figure near your classroom 

“(y/n)!” he calls out to you as you slide the classroom’s door open. it was sure to catch the attention of the rest of the students already in the classroom as you turn towards him, brows furrowed in the same confusion

as he neared you, there was almost no sign in him stopping, sending your heart beating in a frenzy as you parted your lips to tell him to slow down

but before a single syllable could even fall from your lips, your boyfriend’s own pair press against yours harshly. it was sweet like caramel and you swore everything moved in a slow motion when you suddenly realized where you two were

he stole your breath away when he pulled apart from you, eyes immediately scanning the room of his own classmates staring at him in awe

“since when were you two dating?” matsukawa asked rather loudly, it seemed that others were interested in knowing as well.

panic suddenly coursed through you as you gave kuroo a look, gravely ignoring the way yoru heart was thumping against your chest and the dozens of unanswered questions running through your head

“w-we’re not actually dati—”

“we’ve been together for a few months actually.” kuroo cuts you off, sending you a wink before entering the classroom

[writingonsaturn]

Better Unsaid

a/n okay this has been all over the place!! it was originally going to be a blurb and darker and closer to smutty (so keep your eyes out for that??? lol), but then I made it softer and the concept got away from me and it got soooo much longer than expected lmao and i still dont love where it ended so maybe part 2?? i have the idea i just dont know lol 

summary: Reader is a princess and Anakin has been her guard during the most public season for the past two years (not the most logical thing but just go with it lol, it gets explained better in the fic) and after a near death experience the two are conveniently forced into a....

ONE BED TROPE ONE BED TROPE *cough cough* ONE BED TROPE WITH ONE PERSON HAVING TO WAKE UP THE OTHER BC THEYRE HAVING A NIGHTMARE,, :)))))))

  --

His smugness is the only thing about him I can consider ‘ugly’. And because I am so desperate to not have feeling for Anakin, the Jedi who has been assigned to protect me through coronation season (which lasts for most of winter), for the last two coronation seasons, I hold onto my distaste for that side of him. Which is why I suppress my laugh as he waits for my reaction with that confident smile. 

“Come on, that was funny.” 

Rolling my eyes, I let myself sit on my bed. I can’t tell if he’s actually funny or if my evening has been so boring that his sense of humor has started to become appealing to me due to comparison. In short, the suitor I was forced to spend an entire evening with lacked personality so much I’m starting to find Anakin funny.

“You’re much more entertaining than this evening’s suitor.” 

Anakin’s expression shifts slightly, his assured grin dropping slightly. “Another miss?” 

“You have no idea.” I relax slightly, taking a moment to be glad that I completed my father’s request and now I can just enjoy the time I have with Anakin. “I know my father’s desperate to make sure my marriage is useful for our people and that he worries about this selection process because he always thought my mother would be here to help, but sometimes I wish he wouldn’t rush it so much. It feels like all he wants me for is to marry me off in exchange of finance or weaponry or something diplomatic.” 

“You’re more than that.” His response is so soft I think I might have missed it if I needed it less. I curse myself for feeling so validated by him. His words shouldn’t mean anything to me. After all, he could easily just be saying that because agreeing with my father will just make me more unpleasant to be around. 

I smile politely while avoiding his eyes. I keep my hands on either side of me, fighting the urge to fidget. “Thank you, Anakin.” My words sound weak in my own ears, so I’m sure he notices my shift in mood. “I’m tired today, I think I’m going to go to bed early.” Normally, I’d be able to shrug off these kinds of things, but the beginning of Coronation Season makes me irritable. The anniversary of my mother’s death hits me harder each year. 

“Y/n.” My name comes out so velvety I can’t find it in myself to interrupt him. “You are more than someone meant to be used as some kind of royal currency, and I mean that as more than just a...friend.” 

I let his last word linger. We’ve tried so many titles that never seem to fit right. He’s the chosen one, one of the most powerful Jedi to exist, and the Jedi assigned to protect me each Coronation Season because that’s when my mother was assassinated. He’s my guard, but we’ve spent too many nights laughing together and talking about everything and anything. And I guess now he’s my friend, even though sometimes when he looks at me in a certain way or sits too close to me or reaches for my hand to guide me somewhere I can’t breathe right. 

“Anakin, you know I love when you’re here, even though sometimes you drive me insane. And I appreciate your kindness, but your words can’t change the truth. That’s how my father sees me and he’s not exactly wrong. I’m not a son, I haven’t been raised to lead an army or lead much, and--” 

“I’ve seen you in meeting after meeting, convention after convention. I’ve witnessed the way you handle real problems and I know how you care about your people. You’d make a great leader, you don’t need a husband to be valuable.” 

My chest swells, feelings I never let myself think about mixing with thoughts of Anakin that I’ve spent so long trying to avoid. “That settles it, you’re my favorite person.” 

He grins, the look warm enough to melt the odd lump in my throat. I fight down a smile as he steps forward. “And I wasn’t before?” 

“I take it back--your head’s big enough without the additional praise.” 

Rolling my eyes, I lean back slightly in order to recreate the distance he so easily destroyed. “And I thought you had finally warmed up to me, princess.” 

The use of my title makes me skeptical. The last time Anakin used it was when he was trying to ease me so that I’d walk around the palace garden so he had an excuse to do the same. It was beyond late and I was half asleep, but he had os much energy he was desperate and just needed to do one more thing. I felt bad that his schedule revolved so heavily around mine (and when he softens his eyes and says please, I’m left incapable of saying the word ‘no’) so I agreed. 

“What do you want?” 

Anakin dramatically clutches a hand over his heart. He throws his head back slightly as if he’s just taken a fatal blow. “When did you turn so cynical? I’ve been back for three days and I’m starting to believe you’re a different person now.” 

Yeah...he’s definitely getting ready to ask for something that’s more trouble than it’s worth. Then again, everything with him seems to be worth it in some capacity. Even if it’s just that one smile he gets when he’s truly content and doesn’t think anyone’s looking. 

“Mhm,” I mumble, still fighting a grin, “so you’re not going to ask me anything?” 

His lips part slightly as he exhales. I watch the way his eyes narrow at my victorious expression. “I don’t have anything to ask of you, but I do have a small request. A request so small you won’t have to do anything but say yes.”

Suspicious. Too easy. “You’re unbelievable.” 

“You just said I was your favorite person. Remember that.” 

I’m too tired for his coyness. I’d rather him make his ridiculous request now so that I can be in bed within the hour. Though I can’t pretend I don’t normally feel better after letting him drag me along on whatever ‘adventure’ he just needed to complete while also not letting me out of his sight. I used to tell him that I wouldn’t tell anyone if I wasn’t under supervision for an hour or two a day, but he dismissed the idea immediately. That’s been the cornerstone of everything. 

“What is it?” 

He sighs once, tilting his head slightly. The way his eyes soften tells me he’s already won at least half the battle. “They still haven’t caught the attempted--” Anakin pauses, something behind his eyes darkening. I know what he’s remembering. Last night, an assassin had gotten closer than they ever had. I had almost been shot in the garden, Anakin had barely pushed me to the ground in time. A fact he’s been beating himself up for since, especially considering that no one has been able to find my attempted killer yet. “They were so close to you. They were within palace limits and they disappeared like they never existed. Who’s to say they don’t work here and are waiting for the next moment you’re exposed? Who’s to say they aren’t here tonight, waiting for me to retire for the night?” 

I didn’t realize how my near death experience had been so personal to him. He, like everyone else, was beyond frantic after it happened. But my father put an end to verbal worry before it could truly begin. He said the best thing we could do was act like everything was fine as the assailant was searched for. Anakin hadn’t been particularly cheery after my father instructed the guards to focus their search on known enemies instead of prioritizing venting the staff closest to me. I comforted him as best as I could, but he didn’t feel like speaking about it and I had to worry about the suitor meeting my father wouldn’t let me cancel. 

“Anakin, you’re right next door to me.” I have to fight the urge to reach for him. “I was fine because of you, and I will be fine because of you.” 

He sighs once, his expression not easing. “And if the person is silent? The attacker could easily work in the palace, but no one wanted to direct the search inwards.” His words are more strained than I’ve ever heard them be. “I think it’d be smart for me to stay in here. I know you’ve refused having a guard stay in your room or outside your door, but...” Anakin sighs. “Your safety would be more assured.” 

Him staying in my room? The only line I’ve ever been allowed to draw, and I’m actually considering letting that go. If he seemed even slightly less sad, I wouldn’t even consider it. It’s not a good idea. I’m already too attached to him. “Anakin--” 

“I’d feel more assured.” 

Damn him. Stupid, extremely sweet Anakin who makes saying no to him impossible. I stretch my arm forward, letting my hand squeezes his forearm gently. “There’s no reason to not feel assured.” He doesn’t ease, the cloudiness behind his eyes remains stubborn. “You’re still worried.” No reaction, the haze that’s taken him isn’t letting go. “Fine--but tell no one or my father is going to take to posting guards at my door every night.” 

...I guess there are worse ways to spend a night. Which is kind of a problem since I’m trying to...enjoy Anakin less. Ugh, I even sound dumb in my head. “I promise, princess.” 

Ugh, he’s adorable. “You’re intolerable.” I stand from he foot of my bed and pull back the covers on my bed. He doesn’t reply, something dark still playing for him. I watch him move to face the door. Wait--is he doing what I think he’s doing? “No, you’re not going to stand there all night. You need sleep.” He has the audacity to give me an annoyed look. “I already didn’t want to do this so now you have to listen to my conditions.” 

He raises an eyebrow, his lips pressing together oddly. He’s trying to gauge something from my expression, perhaps he’s looking for buttons to press to get his way. I guess I look as stubborn as I feel because instead of arguing he just sits on the floor. What? I watch him cautiously, trying to figure out if this is some weird argument trick. 

“What are you doing?” 

“What you asked.”

And just like that I’ve put myself in a position that I will no doubt regret terribly the second common sense returns to me. There’s no way to deny that Anakin and I are closer than we probably should be. We’ve felt like friends first since the day we first met. I can’t think of any reason to not offer to let him sleep in my bed except those stupid budding feelings I refuse to label. 

It’s not like I actually like him. I can’t--I’m going to be married to some nobleman and he’s prohibited from ever forming attachments. I’m not even sure if we’re allowed to be friends. Having actual feelings for him would be so, so pointless. It would just lead to heartache and the ruining of the one genuine relationship I have. I’m just a tiny bit confused right now because he’s objectively really attractive and he’s always there for me. Always there to make a joke after a particularly rough meeting. Always there to offer me a supportive smile. Always there to humble me when I teeter on acting like my father. 

Anyone’s heart would flutter at that, so it doesn’t mean anything. And if it does, I need to squash any budding feelings now before I mess things up. Which is why I should keep him at arm’s length until I get it together. But is that fair to him? And what if doing that is making things worse? What if it’s just reinforcing the idea of having feelings? 

This is ridiculous. I’m going to get over this if it kills me. It’s just a bed and it’s only sleeping. I’m meant to be able to lead an entire union and I can’t sleep next to someone and act normal?” “You don’t have to sleep on the floor.” 

The second the words leave my mouth I regret it all. What’s wrong with me? Did I seriously think I’d be okay?

I hear his soft exhale, “I’ll be fine. I’ve slept in worse places than on your marble floor.” 

His voice sounds so weighted I can’t help but feel bad for not noticing that he’s still bothered. Whether he’s upset about his near miss or the fact that my father didn’t take his advice, I don’t know. But something’s wrong. The easy thing to do would be to just let him sleep it off. The smart thing to do would be to leave him alone until tomorrow. 

I think of all the times that I’ve been upset and Anakin had refused to let me go to sleep angry or sad or overwhelmed. “I know, but it’s really not a big deal. It’s not like we don’t know each other. I mean, last Coronation Season you buttoned me into more gowns than my handmaid. And I owe you for saving me from one of the worst suitors I’ve ever had.” 

“I’m starting to think we need to develop some kind of signal.” 

The tiny bit of lightness that’s returned to his voice makes all of my internal struggle feel worth it. “You always seem to know.” 

“That’s because when you’re reaching your limit, that one line appears between your eyebrows.”

I didn’t realize I had such a tell. I try to remember the way that the suitor drawled on and on about how amazing he was and how he couldn’t wait for the day he had a bride to bear his children and plan (tedious) social events. My hand moves to my forehead, trying to feel the crease Anakin mentioned. Can everyone tell when I’m growing tired? Am I that transparent? 

Anakin’s slight laugh steals my attention. He’s facing me again, his elbow holding his head up on the foot of my bed. “What are you doing?” 

“I don’t--I don’t think i get a crease between my eyebrows when I’m irritated.” 

I hear him stand. I don’t realize he’s approaching me until he’s so close I could touch him without even needing. to stretch. “No, when you’re irritated you raise your eyebrows slightly, because that’s when you’re at your most sarcastic.” 

“Really?” 

The corner of his mouth tugs upwards. “Just like that.” I force myself to keep my expression blank. “When you’re reaching your limit, your eyebrows crease here.” His finger taps the space between my brows so gently I almost don’t realize what he’s doing. “And when you’re trying not to laugh--which is often, because you refuse to admit that I’m funny--you press your lips together in a way that forms a dimple here.” The knuckle of his pointer finger brushes against the bottom of my cheek. 

I bite my tongue to fight the warmth spreading across my face. “I didn’t realize i was so transparent.”

“I can’t always tell what you’re thinking.” 

“I’ll take it.” Maybe if I was less tired, I’d argue a little more. “You know you’re not that difficult to read either.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes, I can tell when you’re just being stubborn for the sake of it. I can see it in your eyes and you’re doing it right now.” 

His expression harshens slightly before softening. “Y/n--” 

“I’m not wrong.” 

He sighs once, stepping back. I watch him pace around my bed before taking a seat on the edge of my other side of the bed. “Are you happy now?” 

“Happy that I won? Absolutely.” 

Anakin halfheartedly glares at me. “Careful, add a crown and a robe that trails down a throne and I’d feel like I was speaking to your father.” 

“Careful, another side comment like that and I’ll ‘accidentally’ kick you off the bed in the middle of the night.” 

“Not if I kick you off the bed first.” 

I trace a thoughtless pattern on the fabric of my bedsheets. “What are you? Twelve?” 

“I’m older than you.” 

“Barely.” I continue the thoughtless pattern tracing as I fight the sleep from my eyes. “Your comebacks are usually more creative than that.” 

He exhales, relaxing slightly as he rests his back against a pillow. “I’m tired, like you claimed to be.” His eyes flutter slightly, a bit of his exhaustion showing. “Go to sleep.” 

I should. I’m too old to think I can put off a tomorrow I don’t want by just staying up. This is stupid. I’m too old to think I can put off the anniversary of my mother’s death by going to bed. She had been taken from us on castle grounds, killed by a revolutionist who viewed my mother as a class traitor. I still remember the way she slumped to the ground, her blood staining the snow beneath her. I remember the way the guards were so busy chasing her killer no one thought to keep me away from the body. 

“Y/n?” 

I scratch the back of my arm in hopes of banishing my thoughts. “Yes?” 

“You’re being quiet.” 

“You said to go to sleep, that tends to be a quiet thing.” 

I can feel his eyes on me. “Since when do you listen to me?” Not trusting myself to actually reply, I only offer him a hum of acknowledgement. “I know you’re not half asleep.” 

Folding my hands on my lap, I avoid his gaze. “It’s tomorrow.” 

I don’t know why I trust him to understand my vague response, but I do. His silence stretches over us like a thin blanket on a cold night. Maybe he doesn’t understand what I’m implying. I can always correct him tomorrow, when my eyelids are no longer as heavy as my heart. The more seconds that pass in total silence, the more I think that maybe he’s fallen asleep. 

I wouldn’t be surprised, Anakin has seemed tired recently, like some additional weight he won’t share with anyone has been thrust onto his shoulders. A small part of me rolls in guilt. I need to be a better friend, just because I’m suddenly a little too aware of him doesn’t mean I can shrug him off and ignore him. 

My hand almost flinches away from the feeling of something surprisingly warm touching my pinky. When I realize that it’s just Anakin and that the contact was probably accidental, I force myself to ease. It’s not like we’ve never touched before, I don’t understand why I’m making it weird. Sitting in my bed in the dark doesn’t change anything. His hand turns slightly, pressing into mine a little more assuredly. Biting my tongue, I turn my hand slightly, exposing my palm. And just like that, our fingers intertwine. 

“She would have been proud of you.” His voice comes out so low I barely register the words. 

The words shouldn’t mean much to me--he never knew my mother and has no way to know what she wanted me to be.--and yet I find comfort in them. I smile, turning my head towards him. “You didn’t even know her.” 

He rolls his eyes slightly, relaxing further before squeezing my hand once. “Who wouldn’t be proud of you? You’re kind and smart and decent to be around when you’re not telling me what to do.” 

My heart swells in my chest so much I’m surprised it doesn’t burst. Could he be cuter? “Yeah...now I’m sure you’re my favorite person.” 

“Now you’re sure?” 

The smugness in his voice has me rolling my eyes. “Don’t make me regret saying that.” 

“Maybe in the morning,” he says easily, “now go to sleep. There’s nothing worse than escorting you from meeting to meeting while you’re tired.” 

“I’m not that bad.” Even in this darkness, I can make out the way he raises an eyebrow. “Shut up--I’m going to sleep, but not because of you.” 

He lets out a slight huff. “You’re impossible.” 

The desire to respond to his comment is not enough for me to win the fight against the weight of my eyelids. The moment my eyes shut, I feel powerless to anything that isn’t sleep. I let myself fall into a weightless sleep, my only tether being the Anakin’s fingers around mine. 

--

A distant noise yanks me from my sleep. I’m too drowsy to do anything but register the sound. I hear another similar...whine? cry? I can’t tell and I’m too asleep to figure it out. I almost fall asleep again, but a third distressed sound keeps me from it. I wipe my eyes lazily with the back of my hand as I try to sit up. 

Squinting, I make out a figure on my bed. It takes me a moment to remember Anakin and how I fell asleep. Our hands are still together and no light is peering through my window so it can’t be that long since I fell asleep. Another disgruntled sound carries itself throughout the room. I shift slightly, leaning over Anakin cautiously. 

Golden brown curls are beginning to stick to his forehead and his eyebrows are drawn together sharply. He’s having a nightmare.  I shift even further forward before cautiously placing a hand on his shoulder before squeezing him gently. 

“Anakin,” I whisper, “it’s not--it’s not real.” His eyebrows draw together even more harshly. I shake him a little more stubbornly. “Anakin, wake up--you’re having a ni--”

 My forearm is grabbed so suddenly I barely register it before I feel my back shoved into my mattress. I blink twice. His dark eyes are frantic and the look on his face is far from the gentle, easygoing expression I’m used to. He’s breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling from above me. I swallow a slight panic and something I don’t understand as I try to keep my eyes on his face and my thoughts away from how close he is. Anakin pries his fingers from my forearm one by one until only his palm is touching me. 

“Y/n, I--” 

“It’s okay.” Honestly, I’m more worried about his uneven breathing than the way he grabbed me. I can’t imagine everything he’s been through or how justified his nightmares are. Anakin moves his hand away from me. I don’t sit up until he’s off of me and sitting with his back against my headboard. “It’s okay--I just--you were having a nightmare and I thought I should wake you.” He doesn’t react. I turn my body further, keeping my back straight. Anakin doesn’t move, and the longer he stays still, the more I feel like I should say something else. “Do you want talk about it? Or do--do you want to talk about something else? Or go to sleep? Or get some water? Or--” The far off look behind his eyes silences me. I scoot forward slightly. “You’re okay, Anakin, I promise.” 

His head turns at that, his eyes searching mine for something I don’t understand. “I thought...” He cuts himself off by swallowing once. 

I shift a little more, trying to find anything normal in his expression. “Thought what?” 

Anakin’s hand is on my arm so quickly I don’t even register his movement. I let his fingers press into my skin. He’s holding onto me like I’m a figment of a dream and he’s beginning to wake up. “I thought I’d failed.” He exhales, the sound heavy. “Failed you and that you’d--I  thought I had lost you.” 

A lump rises in my throat, thick and unmoving. Cautiously, I place my hand over the one still gripping my shoulder like a lifeline. “You didn’t. Nothing happened, it was just a dream.” 

His gaze falls to the ground before he repeats the last of my words. “Just a dream.” There’s a hollowness to his voice I don’t understand. 

I exhale, carefully running my thumb over his knuckles. “Yes.” He doesn’t say anything but his expression hardens again. I let us sit there like that for a long minute. “I promise.” 

“You can’t promise things like that.”

I sigh, unsure of where to go from here. “Bad dreams are only bad dreams.” He doesn’t reply. “I think you should try to get some more sleep.” 

Anakin is unresponsive. I shift back, but before I can transition from almost being on top of him to just sitting next to him, he pulls on my arm to keep in place. “I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.” 

“Nothing’s going to happen to me.” 

“You almost died today, y/n. I was right there and if I had been a second later--” 

“But you weren’t.” He doesn’t ease. “You were there and I was fine. Don’t torment yourself over what could have been. You’ll drive yourself crazy.” 

“If anything ever happened to y--” 

“It’s not going to,” I whisper, ignoring the way his hold on my arm tightens even further, “Especially this time a year when I have a pretty good gau--” 

He tilts his head slightly, eyebrows drawing together and a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Pretty good? Really?” 

“Someone needs to watch your ego, chosen one.” This time when he tries for a smile, the look has some strength behind it. Relief pools in my stomach. “Now get some sleep, tomorrow’s a busy day and when you’re sleepy you’re beyond irritable.”  

Anakin lets me pull away enough to lay down, but he doesn’t follow. Not for a long second. When he does, his movements are impossibly rigid. I watch him out of the corner of my eye as carefully as I can manage. 

“Y/n?” 

I regret turning my head immediately. I didn’t realize how close he was. It would take no effort from me to make our lips meet. Wait--why am I thinking of that? I’m not allowed to think of stuff like that...especially not about him. 

“Yes?”

He lets out a breath before moving his hand. I don’t understand his hesitation until I feel his hand cupping my cheek gently. “What if next time I’m not enough? What if next time I lose you because I’m not strong enough?” 

I never thought my death would be such a personal thing to him. Sure, I knew that we had some kind of bond, some kind of friendship, and that my death would bring sadness. But I never imagined I’d matter enough to him that thoughts of my death would be frightening enough to slip into his subconscious and become a thing of nightmares. 

“You are enough. Nothing is going to happen to me and if it does it’s not going to be because of you.” Anakin’s lips press together in a way that implies serious uncertainty. His thumb brushes across my cheek so unexpectedly I almost ask him what he’s doing. The intensity behind his eyes is enough to burn me. “Was your dream really that bad?” 

He lets out an uncertain breath as his eyebrows draw together. I don’t miss the way his jaw clenches. “It’s more than the dream. I...y/n, princess,” he tacts on, a hint of humor returning to him, “you’re more than a mission to me.” 

The admission is so soft I can’t help but smile. “I know, Anakin, we’re--” 

“You’re more than a friend to me.” I don’t know if my blood freezes in my veins or if my lungs don’t contract when they should or if my heart literally skips a beat, but I know something in me completely stops at his words. “I--” 

“Don’t say it.” I don’t know how I managed to cut him off so sharply and I’m a little disappointed when I do, but it’s the right thing to do. Thought of the code that’s so important to him have clouded half the immense shock and joy swelling in my chest. “What you’re trying to say...I um, I want to say the same.” I try to drop my gaze but he tilts my head up slightly with his hand. “But we shouldn’t, you know that.” 

"You want to us to pretend that nothing’s different? You want me to escort you from meetings with one suitor to the next every Coronation Season until you’re married off?” 

“No, I’m not saying that. The point is that I’m not saying anything.” His eyebrows draw together in uncertainty. “Isn’t it enough for now, for both of us to just know? If we say it...that could mean bad things for you. And I don’t want to be a bad thing for you.” 

“You could never be.”

It’d be so easy to believe him. To believe him and to let him say what I never imagined I’d be able to hear and damn the consequences of tomorrow. “Can we just refrain from verbally saying anything until you’re sure?” 

“I’m sure right now. I’ve been sure since the first time we ever walked in the garden together. The night after the first Coronation Ball I escorted you to.” 

I remember that night well. The way he hadn’t scolded me for needing air or taking off my uncomfortably high heels to walk in the grass. “If you mean it, you won’t say it yet. I refuse to get in the way of what you’re meant for.”

His thumb runs my cheek entirely, stopping at the corner of my mouth. “Are you capable of not disagreeing with me?” 

Rolling my eyes slightly, I place my hand over his. “Probably not.” 

Anakin exhales, his playful irritation clear in the sound. “You’re impossible when you’re tired.” 

“I am not tired.” 

“I can see the sleep in your eyes.” 

“I can see it in yours too.” 

He pauses, eyebrows drawn together cautiously. “I’ll go to sleep if you do.”

He must be more tired than I thought if he’s compromising with me so quickly. “Deal.” 

Neither of us close our eyes for a long second, we just watch each other with wide eyes. It still doesn’t feel like he’s eased, but he’s come back to me so much more than he was earlier. I’ll make sure to check how he’s feeling in the morning. The first morning after we’ve...I don’t know. 

I’m trying really hard not to get excited because anything that’s been not said could be taken back so easily. That’s the point--but it’s hard not to let my heart get ahead of my rationality. I’ll just take the good for what it is for now and tomorrow we can figure out the rest. Even though he’s not allowed to form attachments and my father really wants to marry me off to foreign royalty.

Tomorrow. This can begin to be solved tomorrow. My eyes shut and I let myself roll fully onto my back. The second I’m comfortably settled, I feel Anakin shift against the bed. I’m too tired to open my eyes until I feel a weight placed against my chest. 

I open my eyes on instinct, less surprised than I should be when I see Anakin’s head resting against my chest. Before I can speak, I feel his arm rest against my side. “Anakin,” I breathe, my hand moving to smooth his hair out of his face the way I’ve wanted to for so long. “What did we just talk about?” 

“You said not to say anything,” he mumbles comfortably, “I’m not saying anything.” ...It is kind of the ideal compromise. Especially since I’m too tired to find reason and he feels so warm. “I can feel you overthinking. Go back to smoothing my hair before I have to rise and stand at your door so that your handmaid comes to wake you. Something tells me she’d be glad for the excuse to get rid of me.” 

That might be the most dramatic thing I’ve ever heard him say. Selma is the most patient woman in the palace. “Selma would never report anything involving me, I can’t believe you don’t like her. She’s the sweetest woman I’ve ever met.”  

“She’s the one that doesn’t like me,” he says, “she always watches me like she’s trying to figure out if I’m planning on stealing you away.” 

Too tired to fight my smile, I go back to smoothing his hair out with my fingers. After a moment, he lets out an exhale that relaxes his entire body. “Goodnight, princess.” 

“Goodnight.” The word is barely a mumble as I feel sleep tug against me for the second time tonight. 

It’s strange, but my excitement doesn’t diminish my tiredness, it just makes the prospect of rest feel so much fuller. Safer. Because there’s so much to sort out and grieve but it’s okay, because we have the time and everything feels okay because Anakin is here, right beneath my fingertips. 

[pascalpanic]

Could you write something about submissive Frankie? I feel like he would probably be into Bondage and praise, and he definitely likes getting bossed around and told what to do because he always has to be the one in charge of the boys. He'd definitely be into someone forcing him to stop worrying and trying to be there for everyone.

Let Go (Frankie Morales x f!Reader)

Summary: Frankie needs someone to take care of him too sometimes.

W/C: 3.4K

Warnings: holy shit what isn’t in here. talk of bad mental health. talk of Frankie’s cocaine addiction, which is in the past. talk of death, specifically of Tom. Smut, 18+ ONLY. unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it, babes), bondage, lots of dirty talk, “good boy” is used frequently, oral (m and f receiving), spit as lube, titty-fucking, cum eating, dom/sub elements, bottom/subby Frankie, face sitting, p in v sex, uh that should be everything.

A/N: okay I don’t write this kind of stuff that often (bc I’m a mega bottom) but I hope this was okay, anon!!

The boys love to call Frankie mom. Frankie is the one who coordinates the plans, who sets the time and the place, who is always the designated driver because lord knows the other men like to get shitfaced.

Frankie is and always has been a caring man. He doesn’t call the shots, or take the lead. He hangs back and makes sure the other men are okay first. He knows Benny is soft-hearted, more than any of the others. He checks that he’s handling things. He asks Pope if he can head any other smaller tasks. He makes sure they all eat something and stay out of too much trouble.

He’s often the voice of reason too. The men love to cause chaos, and particularly love to make rash decisions. Pope’s leadership makes the other men blindly follow on occasion, and Frankie is always the one to stop and question. Most of the time, Pope finds that he’s right. Frankie has the strongest moral compass of the group.

Out of all the men, Frankie refuses to be cared for. He bundles his emotions away somewhere deep inside and focuses on the task at hand, leaving him to unravel the knot he created of his feelings later. That’s what led him into addiction- it was the support of the other men that helped him once they uncovered the truth.

That’s what happened in South America, in the disastrous events that killed Redfly and left him with a small sum of money for a lifetime of trauma. He came home to find that his wife left him, and it took everything he had not to relapse again.

The men knew better this time, and Frankie was finally so broken that he gave in. He cried into Benny’s arms while Pope flushed his stash down the toilet, while Will enrolled him in a quiet and discreet outpatient rehab.

That was a long time ago now. Frankie returned to his normal place in the team, the voice of reason. They even respect him more now that they know the depth of his wisdom. Then Frankie met you.

You were everything Frankie needed. You brought sunshine and warmth and happiness into the man’s dull and dreary life. He was no longer living from fight night to fight night, but from the time he got to see you until the next. When you finally moved in together, the men all rejoiced too. Frankie’s energy and happiness and mood all lifted, and he was a happier man with you in his life.

For the first time of his life, Frankie allowed someone to take care of him. He allowed you to cook him meals and took naps on weekends, knowing you’d wake him if something happened. You’d shower him with kisses and affection, rubbing his aching back and working out his sore muscles. He works a hard, manual-labor job, and you treat him wonderfully when he comes home.

He loves you, more than he’s ever loved anything. He loves coming home at the end of the day to find you there, loves the way you wrap your arms around him and kiss him. It’s been months of living together and neither of you have ever tired of each other, never lost that excitement of hearing your partner walking through the door after a long day.

Frankie has softened under the warmth of your love, melted like butter from the affection and love you offer. When he’d normally come home and channel his frustrations through his hips and into his hand, he talks to you and tells you what’s wrong. He listens to his friends more carefully but allows their problems to leave his mind when he gets to see you again.

Today has been hard. Frankie had a hard day at work, his supervisors hurrying him around and giving him a seemingly endless pile of tasks. When he finally finished work, he met up with the you and the guys for a beer. All of the men had their own problems to vent about, and Frankie naturally put aside his own frustrations to listen to the struggles of his friends.

Benny’s been on a mean losing streak. Will has been having endless nightmares of their time in South America, which only brought the four men at the table down even further when he told them all of the terrible memories. Santiago was in a mean mood, shooting snappy remarks at the other men and sinking lower into his annoyance. You tried to lighten the mood, but it seemed that no one was in a good mood tonight. The alcohol didn’t change much, only made Benny weeper and Santi more annoyed. You and Frankie left after about an hour, and he sighed as you drove his truck home, removing his cap and running a hand through his curls.

“How was your day, baby, hm?” You asked gently, your hand reaching over to rest on his thigh.

“Bad, but better now,” he smiles softly. Your touch always reassures him, and the both of you know what the image of you driving his truck does to him. “Lots of shit at work. I was hoping the guys would be a mood-booster, but…” he trails off. You obviously know.

“Hey, let it out,” you ask of him, rubbing his thigh and squeezing it gently. “Tell me about it.”

So he does. Frankie tells you a play-by-play recap of his godawful day, leaving out no detail. You frown as you listen, his frustration and tiredness evident in his voice. “So. I left work pissed off.”

“I can tell,” you chuckle, bringing your hand to his and lacing your fingers together. “But it’s over now.”

He nods with a little smile, looking over at you. “It is. I got my girl with me, I have tomorrow off, and we’re headed home, far away from those fucking idiots.”

You chuckle, loving the way he calls you his girl. Something about that nickname makes your heart flutter every time. “I know something that could make your night better,” you offer in a teasing tone, raising an eyebrow at him and smiling.

He can read the context. He plays into it, grinning. “Oh yeah? How do you plan on doing that, pretty girl?” He asks, dropping your hand and rubbing your thigh as you drive.

You’re at a stoplight, so you lean across the console with a smile. “Let me take care of you tonight, baby. We need to break in those new ties we got, don’t we?” You ask, bringing your face close to his.

Frankie’s pupils widen with lust as he hears the word. “Oh, yeah, we do,” he breathes out, his pants already starting to feel tighter and tighter. “You sure, baby?”

You nod and smile, kissing him quickly. “You deserve it. I’ll be real good to you tonight, I promise,” you murmur as you press a kiss to the tip of his nose.

Frankie smiles. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Frankie baby.”

-

“Is that okay?” You ask him softly.

Frankie’s wrists and ankles tug against their constraints. He can’t move any of his limbs more than an inch before the soft rope holds him back. “It’s perfect,” he nods as he tries each of the restraints and finds that he can’t move. “I fucking love you,” he says as he looks up at you.

He’s the picture of vulnerability, fully naked in front of you and bound to the bed by each limb. His unsurprisingly thick and long dick is standing at attention, fully ready for you. His eyes hold all of his love, and you grin down at him.

You’ve never been the dominant one- not in your social life, at work, especially not in bed. But something about Frankie, about this kind and warm man, makes you desperately want to take care of him. It’s not that you get off on the ties holding him down, necessarily, though the way he struggles against them is a sight to behold. No, it’s the fact that for this moment, Frankie gets to relinquish all of the control and you get to take care of the man who takes care of you so often.

“I love you too, Frankie,” you coo, putting on your best bedroom eyes. It’s easy to slip into this persona for him, in the way he sometimes needs to be the one dominating you. “You gonna be a good boy for me, baby? You gonna let go?”

“Gonna be so good,” he nods, watching your face as you lick your lips and hungrily eye his dick. “Please, baby,” he begs of you.

You nod. “Always such a good boy,” you purr and climb over the end of the bed, settling between his legs and taking his dick in one hand. He’s so thick, you can barely encircle it with your fingers. You give it a slow tug, not bothering to spit into the hand to make it smoother. Frankie loves the friction, loves the way your warm hands move against the sensitive skin there.

“Fuck,” he shudders at the feeling, and you can feel his toes curling against your side. “Please, baby girl,” he whimpers as he looks down, sees your lips hovering just above the tip.

“Okay,” you nod with a little smirk. “Only because you asked so nicely.” Your lips take the tip into your mouth, swirling your tongue around it and he moans harder at the sensation.

Bobbing your head up and down, you moan around him softly. “You feel so good around me,” he shudders, forcing himself to keep his hips glued to the mattress. “Love your tongue baby. Wish I could grab at your tits right now.”

You pull away and continue to stroke him, chuckling a little as you look up at his flushed face. “I know you love them, baby,” you tease, pushing your breasts up for him to see. “How far can you move your hips? Can you show me?” You ask, a hand rubbing at his thigh.

Frankie nods and thrusts them, showing that he has a small range of motion. He can thrust them just enough up and down.

“You wanna fuck ‘em?” You ask Frankie, swirling your thumb around the tip. “You want me to fuck you with my tits? How does that sound?”

Frankie’s eyes go wide in shock, in surprise and hunger as he looks down at you. “Yes, please baby,” he nods. “Wanna feel it, wanna feel those pretty tits around me.”

You climb up over his body, straddling his strong abdomen and pushing your tits up, holding them in front of his face. “Spit on them,” you command him, and Frankie complies. “Lick them. Make them nice and wet, baby.” He does it, lavishing the soft and delicate skin of your breasts with his tongue, dampening the skin.

You smile devilishly and crawl back down, pushing your breasts together and positioning Frankie’s tip at the bottom. “Go ahead, baby. Come on.”

He slowly thrusts up into it. The sensation is unlike anything you’ve ever felt, Frankie’s hardened length sandwiched between your tits, but you definitely decide you like it as you look up at the expression on his face. His mouth hangs open in awe as he studies the image in front of him. “Fuck,” he shivers. Frankie has always been a tits man, and this is all too much.

“Yeah?” You ask, licking the tip as it comes up through the soft skin, pressing a kiss to the head. “Go on, baby. You can do it.” You play with your nipples as you hold your breasts there, sighing as you tug at the soft peaks.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he basically whimpers as he thrusts in and out of them, the soft skin driving him crazy. He looks blissed out, absolutely in heaven.

“Good boy, Frankie,” you shiver as you feel his cock twitch against your chest. Your heart is pounding so fast and hard you’re sure he can feel it against the sensitive tip. “You gonna cum like this baby? Here?” You ask him, moving your chest against him. “I’ll let you if you ask nicely.”

His brow furrows as the tip pokes in and out of your cleavage, your wet lips pressing sloppy kisses and licks to it when you can.  “Please, baby, wanna cum in your tits. Wanna see it.”

You nod. “Such a good boy, Frankie. Go ahead, cum all over me.”

He nods and a few thrusts later, he spurts his hot and white cum from the tip, crying out your name. You move your breasts against him, milking him of every last drop. You moan at the sensation, his hot cum against your flushed chest.

When he’s done, you sit back on your heels and Frankie’s eyes are shut. You chuckle a little, rubbing his thigh. “Open your eyes, baby. Look at the mess you made,” you practically purr, leaning forward for him.

It’s too much. The sticky white liquid drips off your tits, splattered all over. You look so fucking hot that Frankie feels himself starting to get hard again. “Fuck,” he shudders, his spent dick twitching and daring to get a little stiffer.

You smirk as you feel it, can practically sense his arousal seeping back in. You’ve always known Frankie has a short refractory period, allowing the two of you to go a few times in a night, but this is something else, something extremely quick and evident of just how much he’s into the moment. “Oh, baby,” you coo and stroke him softly. “Hard again already? You like it that much?”

You can feel him stiffen in your hand. The blood that rushed away with his orgasm is coming back just as quickly. “So fucking pretty. Just want you to fuck me.”

The words go straight between your legs, where the hot arousal has been pooling the whole time you’ve been treating him. “Oh, yeah?”

“Will you sit on my face?” He asks, voice broken. “Wanna taste you.”

Gulping, you want to say no. You want it to be all about him, but you can’t deny how fucking fantastic he is with his tongue, how desperately aching your clit is. “Fine. But not enough to finish. Gotta do that around your dick, pretty boy,” you coo and give his dick one last pump.

You climb over his body until your tits hang in front of his face. “Clean them off,” you order him, and he does exactly that. His skilled tongue swipes off all of the cum, swallowing it as he gathers it. After a few moments, you’re clean. “Good job, baby,” you mumble and scoot until your clit hovers above Frankie’s mouth.

He wants to grab you, wants to pull you down to him. He can’t. He shivers and waits until you finally sink down low enough for him to get to work.

He works at your clit with all of his attention, his tongue lapping against it and sucking on it. “Fuck,” you shudder, leaning against the headboard and propping yourself up with your hands. “Good boy. Doing so fucking good, ah,” you cry out and your head falls forward onto your arm.

He gets harder, you can tell, making soft noises into your dripping folds. He’s so fucking good at it, desperately eating you out.

Before long, you can feel your orgasm approaching. You push up to your knees, Frankie’s face remaining below you. “Oh, fuck,” you shiver. “So good for me.”

“You gonna fuck me now?” He asks, big brown eyes shining.

“Yes, Frankie,” you smile softly and scoot back down his body.

Before you sink onto him, you press your body flat to his and kiss him, softly and slowly. “I love you,” you murmur into his mouth.

“Love you too, pretty girl,” he shudders at the feeling, at the way your tits press to his. “So good to me.”

You have to admit, you sometimes worry you’re not doing it right. You’ve been worried this whole time that you’re not doing what he wants, that you’re being too mean or, god forbid, too gentle. His reassurance makes you feel better.

Sitting up again, you line yourself up over his dick. Sliding down onto him, you bite your lip at the feeling of his thick length splitting you open. “Frankie, baby,” you cry out, your eyes fluttering shut.

You take a moment at the bottom to sit with him inside you, to adjust. It’s all too much, and all you want now is him. “Do you want me to untie you?” You offer, though your voice is absolutely broken.

“Please, baby, wanna feel you.”

You nod and get completely off of him, getting off the bed too. You untie his ankles first and then his hands, which gravitate to your sides. Once he’s free, he pulls you on top of him again. “C’mere baby. You can ride me, but I wanna make you feel good too,” he murmurs, lining you up and thrusting up into you.

You cry out at the feeling again, your head falling onto his shoulder. “Frankie,” you whimper, both at the feeling and how quickly he returned to the one in power.

His hand lowers and circles your clit. “There,” he nods, kissing your neck. “Now ride me, please.”

You nod, beginning to bounce up and down on him. His freedom gives him more of an ability to grind against you, to thrust the opposite direction of you and make it even more powerful when he pushes deep inside of you.

His fingers work perfectly in time against you, and you can feel the little extra wetness as his precum leaks deep inside of you. His strong hips move in time against yours, lots of quiet and pleasured noises trailing from his lips. “Fuck, baby,” he shudders and presses his lips to yours, kissing you desperately.

You squeal against his lips as his dick finds the g-spot deep inside of you, pressing against it time and time again. “Don’t stop,” you beg and press your forehead to his, your sweat mixing with his own.

“Don’t think I could if I fucking tried,” he breathes, thrusting harder. “Come on, baby. Cum on me, let me cum in you.”

You nod, trying your best to hold out just a little longer. Finally, the cord holding you back snaps and the orgasm rushes through you, making you cry out Frankie’s name as your forehead remains pressed to his.

It’s never happened like this, never with your faces so close and intimate. He watches your expression contort, the pleasure on your face and it absolutely wrecks him. “G-gonna cum baby,” he grunts, holding back.

“Please, Frankie,” you tell him, kissing him for a moment before pulling back. “Fill me, please.”

He bites his lip as he shoots deep inside of you, the pure bliss rushing through his veins as your walls flutter and clench hard on him. He slowly comes down from it and his head falls back into the pillows, swallowing hard.

“Good boy,” you sigh and remove him from inside you before collapsing onto his chest, spent and flushed. “Fuck, baby,” you laugh softly, nudging his chest with your nose.

“I’ve never done that,” he admits, breathlessly, his oxygen just coming back.

“Did you like it?” You ask, your ear pressed to his heartbeat, hearing the loud thumping slow its rhythm.

He chuckles and it makes his chest vibrate. “What do you fucking think?” He laughs, kissing the top of your head. “You’re too good to me, babe. I fucking adore you.”

You smile softly. “I just… get nervous. You know that’s not my thing, being the one to tie you up and take control.”

“I know it isn’t,” he nods. “But I love you even more for being willing to do it. For taking care of me.” He pulls your chin up with a finger to kiss you slowly, lovingly. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you sigh as you break away.

-

taglist:

@remmysbounty @mishasminion360 @softly-sad @blo0dangel @binarydanvvers  @sleep-tight1 @apascalrascal @randomness501 @spideysimpossiblegirl @notabotiswear @pedro-pastel @sanchosammy @lv7867 @greeneyedblondie44 @hunnambabe @astoryisaloveaffair @emesispo @pedritobalmando @magikfanatic

[prfctparis]

little random facts with zari & the shatterpoint lineage in my star wars fix-it au

to start this off: zariza is anakin’s little sister – half-sister, technically, but rarely does anyone acknowledge the ‘half’ part

also i’m making this bc idk when i’m actually going to write this out as an actual story so y’all are getting this bullet point style for now

moving on! more background stuff: she isn’t in mos espa with anakin & shmi bc watto’s a dick who sold her when she was 3 or 4 with no warning whatsoever

but then she gets freed & depa billaba is envolved somehow (and maybe quinlan vos. i’m still figuring things out lmao) & they eventually go back to the jedi temple. this happens uhhh 3 or 4-ish months after TPM

anakin who lowkey previously resented every single council member bc they didn’t want him to join immediately loves depa for this and his 10 year old big bro brain is like “well i love you now” for saving his little sister

zari obviously adores depa as well

depa adores them back bc they’re adorable

mace “the skywalkers give me headaches” windu has a vague sense of foreboding bc of this and he doesn’t know why. it’s not bad, per se, but still

so rlly in the early years he doesn’t interact with neither zariza nor anakin a lot tbh but i mean after the kinda-murderous-droid-and-flesh-eating-plant incident they can’t fault him for doing so

only the high council members, obi-wan, my oc jedi master rheba, & the skysibs know what happened; everyone else only hears apparent rumors that are mostly wrong (but none of them know that)

when zari is having Bad Days as an initiate & nothing her crèchemates & master do helps, she finds depa and she braids zari’s hair to help her relax

depa is the reason zariza calls mace ‘window’

when he finally figures that out he isn’t surprised in the slightest

zari also has a connection to living things (v strong in the living force) but mostly plants

after catching each other in the temple’s kitchens that one night anakin was sick, mace keeps a closer eye on zariza & by proxi anakin

somehow it becomes a reoccurring thing over the years until she’s a padawan

speaking of, when zariza becomes rheba toome’s padawan it isn’t a surprise considering the togruta woman was dubbed as a ‘skywalker wrangler’

he simultaneously feels relieved and disappointed

the only one who notices this is yoda (& ok depa too)

and then when zariza and rheba go on a mission when she’s 14, things go Very Very Wrong Extremely Quickly and zari gets enslaved again and rheba dies trying to save her

fast forward through traumatic experiences and zariza gets back literally the day the clone wars starts

now she needs another master (after, y’know, debating on whether or not she actually wants to come back as a jedi padawan at the temple)

mace “skywalkers give me headaches but somehow along the way i’ve gone soft for the youngest one” windu eventually fills in that spot

anakin officially decided that, ok, maybe mace windu isn’t so bad

the Bad Day = hair braiding with depa changes to Bad Day = hair braiding with mace bc of the war

he’s mediocre at it but zari doesn’t mind. he’s not as bad as he could be at it bc he used to braid depa’s hair too

also she climbs through secret hallways, vents, etc at the temple (and in time, the vents in the venatorships). always has. it’s where she disappears to most of the time if she’s not somewhere deep within the room of a thousand fountains

one such secret passage leads to the high council’s room and when she exits the hidden door mace & depa are in the middle of the room talking about a meeting that just ended and the three stare at each other for a solid 5 seconds before zari just. backs up back into the secret passage way.

that happens during her padawan-ship under rheba but she’s been mapping the secret passage ways, the basement hallways, vents, even the fucking attic, ever since she was 7

the only other person who knows this is her best friend elvira who’s plo koon’s padawan bc i said so and also bc he deserves one

and then ezra years down the line. zari enables him in everything and caleb is Not Pleased

“get ur own padawan! ezra is my kid”

“hm no, i don’t think i will”

anakin, overhearing caleb ranting to mace and depa, master of sniffing out little sister antics thanks to zari and ahsoka: “you realize reacting like this just fuels her actions, right?”

caleb: “….well i do now”

anyway anakin tries to get zariza to give him the maps of the passages & all bc he wants to feel included but zariza is a little shit and lives for annoying her big brother so she refuses every single time

r2-d2 knows tho but just for emergencies

when anakin figures this out he tries to get it out of r2 but r2 shocks him instead

“you turned my droid against me!”

“…technically isn’t he padmé’s droid?”

“THATS BESIDES THE POINT-“

bc anakin’s a bad influence zari has known A Lot of huttese cuss words since she joined the order & accidentally teaches an 11 year old caleb dume three huttese cuss words within an hour when depa & mace’s battalions team up during the war

the adults aren’t pleased

zari and caleb are awkward with each other for 3 whole minutes the first time they meet & then they get along like a house on fire

ponds and grey try to keep an eye on them when their battalions team up for that exact reason but somehow they always lose sight of them within 30 minutes

zari thinks of caleb as a little brother

with that said the jedi are found family and you can pry that headcanon from my cold dead hands

she 1000% embarrasses him when she first meets hera

and that’s all for now or else this’ll get way too long

[amorisland]

My more detailed thoughts on the Leak/spoilers as I read them:

[don’t read if you don’t wanna know I just want to vent somewhere while reading through them]

(I decided to post this after all for those who couldn’t read the scripts before they were privated and maybe want to know more) 

the line in episode 34 where MC’s partner says they don’t understand how people expect men and women to smell like different things is such a Will thing I just love him sm 

Wowsers they’re shoving Kelly down our throats, I think they really are trying to push her as the next Chelsea or something she’s EVERYWHERE in chapter 34 its kinda annoying. Like she seems lovely but FB really set her up stalking mc  

ALSO WILL + MC HIDEAWAY SCENE????? HSJLKSJDFKS YES PLEASE 

Will CAN pick MC at the recoupling sobbing crying throwing up but his speech should be better, he poured his heart out for thabi then we get “i don’t know what i’m doing or where i’m going but i like the ride” 🙄

AWWW Will was nervous about picking MC even though it was a guys day (also its an exclusive text for him, the others are nervous too but written differently) 

OH MY GOD if you aren’t with Will he picks Tiffany? Plot twist and here we all were thinking it was Kelly (but Will has a prom outfit and Tiff and Kelly don’t interesting) 

Oh god yeah Tom isn’t for me, you’ve known each other like 3 days and you pop an I love you during a recoupling speech? gives me the ick 

Kelly gets eliminated??? Over Angie (no offense I ADORE Angie but she’s been single for 3 recouplings??) People are gonna be PISSED 

WILL (?) TALKING ABOUT UNCLOGGING THE SINK AGAIN AND ASKING IF IT WAS ROMANTIC FOR MC JKLDSJKFDLS BYE 

The omelette/scramble talk sounds like Will too, (Pretty sure it is Will exclusive seeing MC call him Will directly) talking about the slow burn and how lots of people don’t like waiting around 😭 I’m falling in love

“Will finds James comforting. He thinks of him as a dad.” 💀

The game remembers that Will is ticklish I love that 

HAHA Will being worried about another boy with tats 

Youcef’s “Maybe I made a mistake” talking about Dylan I’m dying 

Oliver is turning my head a little, might need to run a second game for him buuut I still feel weird that Will is the only dom guy (and even then I get the feeling Will is a switch) every guy this season is subby which isn’t totally bad I love myself a good switch 

OLIVER HAS A PET CAT NAMED DANDELION I LOVE HIM 

LOL poor Anj she finally see’s a guy she's interested in and MC gets voted to go on the dates instead of her, also yet again we go on another date where we can’t pick our date sigh LET ME GO ON A DATE WITH MY CHOSEN PARTNER 

Will better not get up to something while I’m on a date AGAIN or I’m gonna slap someone probably him

Not Dylan saying artist have unsteady jobs, which is so funny bc I headcanon my mc as being a successful artist who finally got her big break and is selling her art for a lot of money like babe she probably makes more money than you

Dylan is literally just Jakub 2.0 

Dylan “back at home they call me vanilla ice cream” MC “Because it's bland and full of low expectations?”  💀 💀 💀 💀

Oliver Oliver Oliver I love him he’s turning my head so much its spinning also towel daddy is no daddy he’s subby and that’s okay

SITTING ON WILL’S LAP SITTING ON WILL’S LAP SITTING ON WILL’S- 

People seriously thought Will would cheat on us when its Dylan being a dickhead and saying WE cheated my heart’s going to break 

AND THEY FIND OUT ABOUT YOU KISSING HAZEEM HAHAHAHA but I wasn’t with Will when it happened so he can’t be mad at me for it? He had just pied me off for Thabi and my mc was so confused 🥺

During the Dylan argument Will seems to have his own separate dialogue in which he opens up a bit more and I like that there’s multiple outcomes like? Will can dump you or you can work things out from what I can tell which is nice its giving me ON vibes except in this we’re Noah??? and someone is trying to test our relationship??? lol

“I had a miserable night without you too. As lonely as the moon hanging in the empty sky above a mountaintop” WILL HAND IN MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW 

“No one does this kind of crap to my girl. No one.” this is probably Bruno or all the LIs/Besties but this line right here. I love. 

“We belong together now, you won’t get rid of me that easily!” 😭

MC gets to pick first at the final recoupling! Hee haw 

Endgame options (as far as I can tell) are Angie, Bruno, James, Najuma, Youcef, Oliver, Tom, and Will? 

Okay I skipped ahead to chapter 47 and Will YOU KINKY BASTARD I LOVE YOU he’s done it in airplanes, saunas, you name it 

okay back to chapter 42 the way I screamed at the “you and Will are enjoying a lazy afternoon in the sun” AS I SHOULD’VE BEEN ALL DAMN SEASON 

 “It might have taken us a long time to find each other, but I'm glad we did." " feel like a fool for not coupling up with you sooner.” WILL 💍💍💍💍 

Okay that dialogue is repeated with like everyone 😔 

And that’s all that I live wrote as I was reading because I was getting tired and skimmed through the last few chapters, I didn’t even get to read chapter 48 😭💔 I hope it gets reposted somewhere  

[tomatowielder]

mega-list of ideas for coping with distressing voices

these are only offered as possible things to try if ur hearing distressing voices... everyone is different & everyone’s voices are different. you know you better than anyone else knows you. if you need to modify any of these, or reject any of these as actively unhelpful for you, that’s ok. 💜 feel free to add your own.

use this however is most helpful for you - i’m sharing what helps & has helped for me. so in no particular order:

Name your voices. Sometimes when they’re all just nameless forms, it can be hard to understand what’s going on, and they can feel scarily omnipotent. I found naming mine helpful for kind of containing the experience & getting to know my voices. If you ask some voices will name themselves.

Visualise ‘safe spaces’ for your voices. If you ask some voices might create their own safe place. Otherwise, you can imagine somewhere real, like sometimes I ask one of my voices to go to sleep in certain bits of a room. Or you can imagine . If you really can’t be disturbed for a length of time, you can try leaving the radio on for them, visualising them relaxing, and tell them when you’ll be ‘back’.

Draw your voices. (Or create a pinterest board for them.) One of my voices used to say things that were horrendously graphic and distressing, and I used to try to block her out all the time, so she got more aggressive with trying to get a reaction from me. Drawing her, and everything she said, whilst very difficult to do, helped it feel more manageable, and helped me pick out themes in what she was saying.

Are there any kind voices you can draw on as allies? If you have a voice that’s kind to you, you could try asking them for help. To stand up to other voices, to comfort you afterwards, etc.

Planning in advance what you might say to distressing stuff. Does a specific voice say really triggering, threatening things with an authoritative tone? It might help to prepare for the voice, and how you might respond. Often being aggressive to aggressive voices can trigger more aggression from voices (voices will lash out if they’re insulted) - how can you be polite but assertive? An example I’ve heard is “bless you, but I don’t want to do that” for commanding voices. But your response will be unique. 

Set a time to listen to your voices. If voices aren’t listened to, they can get louder and more hurtful and graphic to try to get your attention - it can be a vicious cycle. But, if you engage with some voices without support, it can turn into them playing games with you and playing on your insecurities. It might help to strike a balance - set, say, half an hour a day, let the voices speak, and genuinely listen. After the time is up, you go back to doing what you usually do.

Try asking a trusted person to talk to your voices for you (this is a technique called voice dialoguing). Voice dialoguing was honestly the foundations of my recovery, and mostly conducted by my lovely partner. It’s where you sit in a different seat, and someone else speaks to your voices and you tell the person what the voices say, and you often do this multiple times. You decide what feels safe, and you debrief after. The person has to be non-judgemental about voices, and not frightened of voices. There’s information on voice dialoguing here: https://openmindedonline.com/2018/10/14/talking-with-voices-article-and-video/

Try some peer support. Maybe there’s a hearing voices group in your area? https://www.hearing-voices.org/hearing-voices-groups/find-a-group/ If not, there’s a lot of us on tumblr - hit us up and vent here. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Are you listening with anxious intensity bc they’re saying particularly distressing things? When my voices are calling me worthless or useless, or saying graphic things, or telling me a shameful secret only I know, I can completely drop what I’m doing, and LISTEN with such anxious intensity because I NEED to know I’m bad and evil. Sometimes it helps to notice I’m doing this and “let go” of the anxious intensity. I don’t need to powerlessly obsessively listen just because they’re shit talking me.

Physically soothe yourself to soothe screaming voices. Hearing screaming? Try hugging yourself, or giving yourself a face massage, or telling yourself it’s OK, or whatever it is that soothes you. When I soothe myself, I usually inadvetedly soothe the crying or screaming voice. Sometimes overtly comforting the voice helps too, even if it’s coming from very far away.

If you’ve experienced trauma, voices might be carrying memories you don’t remember or don’t feel strongly about, so they can’t be kind to you - you dissociated whilst they (the voice) stayed. Some voices remember things I don’t. Some memories I have I remember, but I don’t feel traumatised by them - but my voices really do. They have to be aggressive and violent towards me, because a) if I got close to them, I would remember too, and they’re protecting me, and b) they resent me for not remembering it whilst they do. Whilst this doesn’t immediately help how cruel they can be, it helps me have some compassion & acceptance. 

Imagine a protective spell. I used to imagine a pink, sparkling sphere of healing and protection around me, and nothing could get in and hurt me. I was totally safe within this sphere. I was really into D&D, so I statted it too - 1000000000 AC, resistant 10000 to negative energy, etc. On my worst nights this helped.

Have a grounding object. I got a stone from an enjoyable vacation I had, and also an amethyst and a teddy, and I used to curl up into the fetal position and GRIP them. If you’re into this stuff, you could charge the objects with healing energy, anything else that makes the object feel more grounding. (This post is about hearing voices but also if you have visual hallucinations & feel brave enough, throwing something through the hallucination can help.)

Experiment with earplugs, sound, and space. Everyone’s voices are so unique - some get louder in big, echoey buildings, some get louder in small spaces, some shout above background noises, some blend in, some get louder with earplugs, some get quiet. Experiment! Go to different spaces and ask the voices if they can talk. Put different (&no) background sounds on. Use earplugs. See if anything feels more or less comfortable.

Experiment with distractions. When I was strugglling 24/7, the only quiet I would get would be during a good film and I NEEDED that. You can’t use distraction all the time - voices will catch up, and ignored voices tend to try to find ways to not be ignored. But I’ve found it necessary to find some breathing space. Films were that for me. There could be distractions that work best for you.

Hide! It’s OK to hide. It’s so OK to hide. It’s not a negative coping mechanism. Under the desk is my favourite place.

Complete a Maastricht interview. I am continually surprised by how little I know about my voices & how helpful I find it to know my voices more. The Maastricht interview is a series of questions that facilitates more self understanding - it might be triggering, so it might be useful to prepare yourself. Look in your local area to see if you can do it in person. If not, voila! http://www.hearingvoices.org.nz/attachments/article/59/Maastricht_Interview_for_voice_hearers.pdf (fwiw I’ve not done it yet but want to lol & I’ve met voice hearers who it’s helped.)

You’re not dirty or wrong for a voice saying graphic and horrible things. <3 It’s OK to hear graphic and disturbing voices. It’s not a reflection on you. It’s OK and normal to hear these things. You deserve safety & kindness.

If your voices get loud in new or anxiety provoking situations, give them some detailed advanced warning. Voices don’t always know what’s happening, what year it is, etc - they’re not always oriented to our reality. Saying, say, “I am going to a job interview on Saturday. Here is what is going to happen on Saturday: ...” can help them, so they don’t get anxious and take it out on you.

Start the small steps of building a collaborative relationship with your voices. Is your voice telling you to kill yourself, others, and that you’re worthless? Obviously, don’t do these things lol - but it might help to ask the voice if it has, say... a preference for a TV show, or a food. Something that doesn’t hurt you to accommodate. It can start the small steps of building a good relationship to take small preferences of the voice on board.

Educate your friends so they can be kinder to you. I like this talk! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syjEN3peCJw Most of my friends who were frightened of me & my voices were much more understanding after watching this. But you choose your resources. 

Accept that it’s ok to be distressed by them and it’s ok to struggle to cope.. Give yourself as much slack as you can. Hearing voices can be so gruelling. It can be isolating and lonely and PHYSICALLY exhausting. You don’t have to do it all. NONE of us can be ‘super-copers’. It’s OK to need rest, and to cut yourself some slack.

Honourary mentions for https://www.hearing-voices.org/ & https://www.intervoiceonline.org/ & https://understandingvoices.com/ c:

[meltwonu]

Idk why I’m suddenly thinking about this and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else discussing this too so... what do you think are the boys’ love languages, Hina? I have an idea what Mingyu’s and Dokyeom’s might be but I wanna know your opinion hihihi

THIS IS SO CUTE? 

Also for fun so plz, nobody get @ me for my thoughts LOL 

💕SEVENTEEN’S LOVE LANGUAGES💕

QUALITY TIME: Soonyoung, Seokmin, Vernon, Jun - These are the members who will sit by you while you do menial tasks and just keep you company 😩💕  they’re the ones who, when you need to vent, will take you somewhere quiet where the two of you can be alone and talk... like imagine a cute sunset picnic, just you and them, enjoying each others’ company and talking... ugh 😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕

GIFTS: Honestly... I want to say none. Not to get fake deep but I think bc they’re idols and they’re always being gifted things and etc, that they would rather do other, much more meaningful things for people that isn’t just... giving them a tangible object ykwim? not that gift giving is bad either! just for them, they might value other things 😭😭

ACTS OF SERVICE: Wonwoo, Jihoon, Seungcheol, Minghao - Oh man, these are the members that will drop everything they're doing to help you 🥺 And we see it a lot with Jihoon especially, how he helps the other members when they want to record solo tracks and stuff~! Always willing to help them! You can be like “I didn’t have time to do the laundry sorry, I'll make time for it later!” and then you’ll find it done and folded and ironed in a pile on your bed later 😔💕

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: CHAN!!1!, Seungkwan, Joshua - Chan is the biggest offender of this don’t @ me LMAO the types to send you looooong ass messages about how proud of you they are and also the types to send you flowers with small notes like “you’re doing so well today!” 😭💕💕💕 when you’re having a shitty day, these are the members that will make everything better by just encouraging you and picking you up!!

PHYSICAL TOUCH: Mingyu, Jeonghan, (also seokmin and seungcheol tho...) - these are the members that loooooooooooooove to cuddle 🥺 or even just hold your hand and squeeze your hand for reassurance... small little Eskimo kisses and gentle touches... soft kisses to the back of your hand while you’re out.... OOF and on days where you’re not feeling too good, they’ll scoop you up into their arms, take you to bed and cuddle with you while you talk out what’s wrong or how you’re feeling...

💕