#I need to remove her mom from social media I know I do

[alreadywondering]

nothing like seeing pics of your ex with her new gf looking so happy on christmas

[caesium-55]

—everything is orange. [ i ]

pairing: lando norris x kpop idol! reader

summary: a racecar driver who needed a fake girlfriend to dispel rumors and a kpop idol who needed publicity for her song. somewhere in between orange cars and orange sunsets, stands something they're afraid of naming.

author's note: i wont take tags for this im sorry 😭 also, i changed the faceclaim

masterlist.

The room is dimly lit. You didn't like dim lighting. It reminds you of your childhood bedroom. A barely functioning lightbulb hanging on the ceiling, your mother never bothering to change it. You were too short to change it yourself. You asked your neighbor once to do it for you but he had asked for a night with you in exchange so you kicked him out of the house before he could change the light bulb. You chose to study under the sucky light which became the reason behind your poor eyesight today.

You sit on a chair across Atty. Kim Jin Hwang, HAN entertainment's legal representative and one of the best lawyers Seoul has to offer, with a table dividing the two of you. He’s a man in his fifties, quite close to the age of retirement. He’s a veteran and despite his age, his mind is still sharp. 

You refrain yourself from tapping your foot against the floor anxiously. Anxiety does not look good on you and you refuse to show people that you're anxious. Anxiety is weakness so you keep your posture straight and make sure to keep eye contact with Atty. Kim. If you look away first, you're a coward.

“Tell me honestly. Is this you in the pictures?” Atty. Kim Jin Hwang points at the pictures sprawled across the table. They’re blurry and grainy and incredibly zoomed in. You can't even tell it was you from some angles. You look quite different from the person that you were when you were sixteen. HAN Entertainment is particularly fond of investing in their idol’s plastic surgeries and while they only fixed your crooked teeth, removed the hump on your nose bridge, altered your uneven ears, bleached your skin, and plucked your brows—which are quite minor changes—you still hold very little resemblance to the teenage you. 

You grew up well. Thankfully, you inherited only the best parts of your parents. Or at least, the best parts of your Mom. You have no idea what your father looked like, only knowing that he was from Brazil or some country in South America.

“Yes,” you answer immediately, not bothering to lie. What is the point of lying anyway? People have been calling you all sorts of malicious names across different social media platforms and you’re sure Atty. Kim has seen some of them. There’s no point lying to his face and saving your image anymore. Might as well admit that you are exactly the kind of person they’ve been yapping about. An illegal driver. A criminal. 

“Why did you do it?” Atty. Kim asks and truthfully, you did not expect the question. You expected the what and how and where and when but never the why question. You fall into a thoughtful pause.

“I was sixteen,” you shrug your shoulders, almost uncaringly so. “I wanted to leave home as early as I could and to do that, I needed money. Nobody wanted to accept student part-timers and I tried doing stuff like tutoring and doing other people’s assignments but it wasn't enough. I have a friend who joins street races. He’s not a good driver but he’s got a good car. He really wants to win so he cheated and let me drive his car on the condition that if I win, he’ll split me the winner’s money. I did it. I won races in that car, acting as if he was the one driving it.”

Atty. Kim gives you a long look. You don’t know what it means. 

“Alright,” Atty. Kimlifts his chin and rises from his chair. “That concludes our meeting. In the meantime, you lay low. We’ll handle everything.”

You nod, “Okay.”

True to Atty. Kim’s words, HAN entertainment handled everything. They released a statement that you watched one race because you were sixteen and clueless and didn't know you were getting yourself involved in an illegal activity. It helped that you drove under a different name so people were easily convinced of this lie. You knew your friend—the owner of the car— wouldn't even reveal that it was you who’d driven the car. His ego would be bruised once the people discovered that he cheated on the street races and a sixteen-year-old girl with no license and no personal car outperformed him. 

Additionally, HAN announced that you were to depart your group—ORACLE—which absolutely destroyed you because ORACLE had been the place where you felt like you belonged. ORACLE had been your goal. You worked yourself to the bone to the point of collapse because you wanted to be in ORACLE and wanted to remain in ORACLE.

Nevertheless, you accepted your fate easily. There was no point destroying the other members because of your fault alone. 

Your members cried for a whole week after the announcement was made public through HAN Entertainment’s official social media platforms and you spent every single day you could still spend inside the dorm reassuring them, telling them that you’d still be there for them, that you’d be standing behind them in each step to their success. You loved your girls so much. You wouldn't even choose to leave them. If only fate was a bit kinder to you. If only life was less brutal.

Furthermore, HAN made you publish a handwritten apology letter. You couldn't remember what you wrote anymore but you did remember how heavy the pen felt, how your hands trembled as you wrote each sentence, how writing the damn letter took three hours because you kept breaking down midway. They announced your hiatus promptly after. They used the term indefinite hiatus but it might as well be retirement.

You can't believe that you suffered through sixteen years under the same roof as your incredibly abusive mother, left home with only a backpack and a paper bag of cash just as you hit eighteen years old, worked your way in the harsh world by juggling three part-time jobs and a scholarship-shouldered university education until a scout noticed you, undergone the rigorous and borderline suicidal training of a KPop idol to-be, and sacrificed everything you had—mental stability, blood, sweat, and tears—just so you could pass every monthly evaluation and become your company’s darling, only to have everything disappear because someone found pictures of you predebut in an illegal street racing event. Fuck. 

You were fucking sixteen at that time! You didn't know any better. You only wanted money. You didn't have a license. Getting one is too expensive. You borrowed a car from a friend. It's an unregistered car. You drove the car. You won races. You stopped when you turned eighteen. That was it. 

Knetz decided to crucify you for a sin born out of your desperation when you were sixteen. When a dog was hungry, it ate whatever was thrown its way, uncaring if the food thrown at it was good or not because its primary instinct was only to cure its hunger. It was not as if you sexually assaulted someone. It was not as if you bullied someone and involved yourself in school violence. It was not as if you drank alcohol and drove or even involved yourself in gambling. Sure, street racing was illegal but you never even hurt someone! You never even crashed into someone mid-race.

You’re sure you’re going to leave the company and you won't fight their decision if they want you to do so. People spit out their gum when they lose their flavor. That's also what the industry did. You saw it happen too many times to too many idols. They collect pretty faces, push them to their limits until they could be loved by the public and once the public decides they’re not worth loving anymore, they’d spit them out. You are a gum in this story.

You feel like you’re eighteen again. You want to run away from home all over again. You ran away from the house you were born in once and now, you’re going to run away from the house you worked hard to live in. You want to pack your bags and board the next plane to another country even before the light of the rising sun touches the ground. That gnawing feeling of not belonging to a place that’s supposed to be home kept tormenting the cracks of your heart and the only way to seemingly get rid of it albeit only temporarily is to pick up on your feet and run away, never to leave anything behind you. Not ghosts, not traces, not memories—nothing.

But HAN entertainment won't let you. Yoon PD-nim knocked on your door, a contract in hand. He offered you an apartment to live in, a salary, a place in the company, and told you to keep creating songs. HAN Entertainment knew your talent in song making and producing was partly behind the success of ORACLE, their rising girl group. You were too useful to get rid of easily. 

And like that, you spent the last two years making music for every kpop group under HAN Entertainment. You mostly made B-sides for the junior girl groups, AURORA and PRIZMA, and the title tracks for boy groups, HIRA and 1THEBOY. You worked for soloist, Ciel, once for his last comeback before his mandatory military service and worked on half a mini-album’s worth of songs for ORACLE every comeback. Thankfully, the songs gained positive feedback from the general public. That was your ticket to keep staying in HAN entertainment as a ghost producer and ghost song-writer.

Two years. You rotted in your apartment and the studio. This felt no different than the time you lived under your parents’ roof. You felt like a ghost, present but also not quite there. It's quite fitting, you think. You're a ghost producer and a ghost song-writer. 

This was not a life worth living but you’d rather a life not worth living than have nothing at all. 

You empty your fifth cup of coffee for the day—an unhealthy brew of Americano with five shots of espresso—before standing up from the ergonomic chair where you’ve glued your ass on in the last two to three business hours. The demo for Sunset Paradise is almost finished. There are still a few parts that need major adjustments and refinement but you’re confident that you’ll be done by midnight.

Manager-nim enters the studio just as you reach the door. You jump, almost kicking the indoor potted plant inconveniently positioned near the door. The caffeine made you extra jumpy today. Once you get over your tiny shock, you bow your head in greeting. Manager-nim mirrors your actions.

“You're still working?” he asks.

“You're still bald?” 

Manager-nim rolls his eyes at you, smiling. You chuckle. 

Manager-nim, or rather, Song Dan, is ORACLE’s manager. He is a middle-aged man who only came up to your shoulders. He’s shaped like a square with round glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose. He treated you and the other members of ORACLE as if you were his daughters. 

“I’m going to go get coffee. You can sit here for a while,” you invite, gesturing to the tiny cream couch. You use your feet to nudge the potted plant and clear Manager-nim’s path.

“No coffee,” Manager-nim stops you, taking a seat. “That's enough coffee for you today. Sit down here. We need to talk.”

“You can't kick me out. I won't give you Ciel’s first post-military mini album and ORACLE’s summer title track if you do.”

Manager-nim’s eyebrows draw together, a vertical wrinkle appearing between them, “What? No. We're not kicking you out.”

Your shoulders sag, relieved.

“Yoon PD-nim wants you to release a single.”

At that, your entire body stiffens, eyes going wide as saucers. You let out a noise in disbelief.

“You're joking.”

Manager-nim’s face doesn't shift in the slightest.

“You're actually serious,” you rub your chin with your hand. 

What is Yoon PD-nim trying to pull now? Two years have passed since you’ve disappeared from the limelight. You're certain that you're not returning to the world of flashing lights and stage performance anymore and you’ve already accepted that your career has ended.

“Why?” your voice slightly wavers as you ask. Manager-nim sighs heavily, patting the vacant space beside him.

“Take a seat. We’re going to be talking for a while.”

The girl in the mirror stares back at you. She looks exhausted. She has deep bags underneath her eyes. Her shoulders are bony. They look like they're about to pierce through her pale skin. Her lips, which should be a nice shade of pink, are pale. Her eyes hold emptiness.

You pull your gaze away from your reflection and direct it to the bathroom sink, where a hair brush sits on the white tiles quietly. Fallen hair gathers up in its numerous sharp teeth. At this rate, you’re going to end up like Manager-nim—bald. 

You can't go bald. You have a weirdly shaped head.

“Yoon PD-nim wants you to release a single but before the release, he needs you to be in a PR relationship with someone.”

You hiss loudly, slapping a hand on your temple. God, you want to act like Manager-nim never said that. You don't want to remember it.

You? A PR relationship? With someone you don't know? How atrocious. You didn't even need to hear Manager-nim out until the end. You are out. You do not vibe with romantic relationships. They make your skin crawl.

“Listen, [Name]. This might be your only chance to come back again.”

“What if I don't want to come back again?”

“Then why are you still here? Why are you still making music? You're good at leaving so why didn't you?”

The public still terrifies you but you will never tell that to anyone. You can’t even go out and buy groceries without trembling. So many eyes. So many judging eyes. They're all waiting to destroy you again with their stupid eyes and stupid mouths with sharp teeth. A stupid PR relationship won't save you.

But what if it will?

You hold the edges of the sink and lean the majority of your weight against it. Your knuckles slowly turn white. Your knees feel weak. You close your eyes and let out a shaky sigh.

Why are you still here? A voice in your head asks.

I just want to be home. You reply.

Do it. This is your ticket to go home. It says.

You open your eyes and gaze into the mirror. 

Do you want to be home?

More than anything.

With a nod, you push yourself away from the sink and exit the bathroom.

Yoon Sang Hyuk, CEO of HAN Entertainment—the black marble desk name plate indicates; the text an intimidating shade of gold. The owner of the name sits behind the table, his legs crossed over the other. His face is sealed with a neutral expression. Suddenly, a satisfied smile works its way across his face and you swear the wrinkles that permeated his entire face doubled in amount.

“I knew you still had it in you,” he says calmly. “That's good.”

“Thank you,” you say, your tone coming out bland. 

“I’ll give you a manager and you are to leave for Singapore tomorrow.”

You nod, “Yes, Yoon PD-nim.”

“Oh and [Name]?”

“Yes, Yoon PD-nim?”

“I know you're smart and you're hardworking and you're strong,” he begins. “I am confident you’ll do well so when you fly out there, don't be intimidated by any of them. You're as powerful as them. Remember the reason why you're there in the first place and do what you think is best.”

“You're putting a lot of trust in me,” you observe. 

It's questionable; the amount of trust he’s giving you. You already expected that Yoon PD-nim would send out an entire escort team just to make sure that you're not going to mess up again and get yourself involved in a PR nightmare incident. Who knows? Maybe someone will dig up pics of you copying homework from your seatmate in middle school and crucify you for being an academic cheater while you're out there holding hands with your fake boyfriend.

“I know you won't make the same mistake twice.”

You finally catch the underlying message behind his seemingly harmless words.

Focus on coming back and don't make another mistake. 

You nod, “Yes, Yoon PD-nim.”

“Lando Kinder Norris,” you read the name on the folder, brows furrowing. That's a rather unique middle name. “British-Belgian. Born November 13, 1999—” 

It's good that your fake boyfriend and you were born in the same year. You're not very fond of age gaps.

“—in Bristol, England. Currently racing for McLaren. Car number 4. First entry is the Australian Grand Prix.”

Below is a series of long paragraphs detailing his racing history that you’re definitely not reading. Shoving the folder aside, you lean back into the seat and cross your arms over your chest. Your eyes flutter close. Jinnie, a HAN entertainment manager who looks like she’s half white and half Asian, gives you a judging look from her seat. 

“You should read it,” she advises.

“No,” you say.

“I spent hours compiling that information,” Jinnie frowns. 

“You compiled the wrong info,” you tell her, not even bothering to glance towards her. “Nobody will believe we’re real if I only know the things written in Wikipedia. You should have asked his PR team how he likes his coffee, if he prefers brunch dates or dinner dates, if he likes staying in or going out, if he likes the sunny weather or the rain, if he’d rather get food delivery or cook, if he’d like to hold hands and walk side by side or walk ahead of you so he can act like your guard dog. Those things.”

To be loved is to be known.

“You speak as if you have romantic experience.”

“Do poets have to experience the things they write poetry about?” you retort. “Immanuel Kant believed that everything depended on how individuals interpret and respond to his environment based on their personal opinions and feelings. I don't need to experience it to know.”

Recurring observations are your common source of knowledge. Reading is another.

And besides, this isn't your first PR relationship. You like to think that you know exactly what you're doing.

“Tell me something that's not written in the folder, Jinnie-ssi,” you open your eyes and tilt your head so you can lock eyes with her. “For example, why does a distinguished racer need a fake relationship? I can’t be the only one benefiting from this agreement.”

Jinnie purses her lips, “I don't know much.”

“But you know something,” you rest your chin on the palm of your hand. “Tell me.”

“There have been rumors that Lando Norris got a girl pregnant. The woman marched into Woking and demanded to see him. Apparently, he got her pregnant when they slept together in a bar,” Jinnie shakes her head. “It's a messy ordeal but McLaren recently proved that Lando wasn't the father. Too bad though, the public isn't believing them.” 

“And they think giving him a girlfriend would somehow make the public love him?”

“They need to show the world that their boy isn't an asshole,” Jinnie says. “That he’s a loving, loyal partner. That he isn't capable of committing fuckboy crimes because he has a girlfriend waiting for him at home.”

You snort. McLaren really decided that you’ll be the best girlfriend? How did they even know your existence? The KPop community and the F1 community are worlds far away from each other. It's easier for them to choose a supermodel, an American actress, or even a pop star. But no, they really decided that a washed-up KPop idol is a good girlfriend for their star boy. You can think of a few reasons why they chose you. 

“Are you sure he really isn't the father?” you ask. Companies can ignore morality for the sake of protecting their golden images. HAN Entertainment is no different. For all you know, you’re going to be fake dating an asshole who made a woman pregnant and refused to take responsibility. He’d be no different from your father who left your pregnant mother.

“Beats me.”

An hour later, the plane lands in the most expensive city in the world, Singapore.

You have three choices: a VAQUERA blue devil sweatshirt, Motel Rock chute trousers, and a Adidas forum low shoes combo, or a varsity baseball jacket, Bonbom rhee cargo pants, and a Curetty C round toe mary janes combo. You went with the varsity jacket-cargo pants-mary janes combo. You put on a bonnet to finish the look. When Jinnie enters the hotel room and sees what you're wearing, she immediately says:

“No. You're definitely not wearing that.”

“What's wrong with this?” you ask, looking down at your fit. This is what you usually wear. They're comfortable and acubi fashion is a trend nowadays. 

“You're a WAG now. Dress like it.”

Your eyebrow arches.

“WAG?”

“Wife and girlfriend,” Jinnie replies. Your confusion isn't absolved, not even the slightest. Your mouth pulls to the side.

“And how does this correlate to my fashion sense? Do race car drivers control their girlfriend’s fashion style?” you genuinely question.

“No,” Jinnie says. “But they’d prefer it if you dress in something befitting for a WAG, you know? Elegance? Classic timely looks?”

You put a finger up, “No.”

Jinnie huffs, “I’m not taking a no for an answer. Wear a satin dress. Wear cotton trousers and silk blouses. Look like you're from an old money family, not some hip hop dancer from the streets. You're no longer your own person, you are an extension of Lando Norris. You have to look a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way. Your goal is to make Lando Norris look good.”

You push your tongue to the inside of your cheek, annoyed. Your jaw is tense.

“And when Lando Norris looks good, you’ll look good. Good enough that the public will love you again to support your new song. Do you understand?”

She's right.

She's right.

You hate that she's right.

No matter how bitter the truth tastes, you are irrelevant and Lando Norris is your ticket to going back. In any other world, you will never ever allow yourself to become a jewelry for a man to wear. So you grit your teeth, keep the ugly prideful monster within you at bay, and clench your fists. You have nothing and when you have nothing, you need to be resourceful and make use of the people who have the things to push you to the top again.

You let out a sigh, “Jinnie, choose my outfit for me.”

Jinnie nods and leaves the room immediately.

It's three days before the Singapore FP1 2023. Jinnie drives you to meet Lando in his hotel. They organized a lunch gathering with you, Jinnie, Lando, and the other McLaren PR representatives who are responsible for this entire PR scam. 

You're wearing a Versace tweed cardigan and a boucle tweed skirt paired with high heel leather boots and Greca goddess large shoulder bag. All black in color. Jinnie is the one who styled your hair. She insisted on it actually, claiming that your beach waves hair isn't doing it. She flat ironed the hell out of your hair so now, it's straight as a pole. She also sprayed your bangs with strong hold hairspray to keep them in place.

The outside world is nothing but a blur of high-rise buildings and cement pavements as the car runs. You're picking on your nails. They're clean but bare of manicures. Your two pinky nails are a bit too short. You tried to stop yourself from biting them in the airport but you can’t resist.

Two years is a long time. A bit too long in your opinion. You don't remember the things you learned in your etiquette classes anymore—how to stand in the public, how to walk, how to pose in front of the cameras, how to smile, how to greet people, how to look completely in your element despite being anxious of having a thousand eyes staring at you, how to act as if you're not crumbling at the pressure of looking good for everyone. That's the only way they’ll love you. If you look good in their eyes.

“We’re here.”

You blink.

“Come again?”

Jinnie points outside the car window. The car stopped and you didn't notice.

“Sorry,” you mutter, flipping your hair over your shoulder. You let out a breath, roll your shoulders back, and push the door open. Your entire face relaxes and you smile politely at the valet when Jinnie hands him the keys of the car. You ignore the starstruck expression on his face as you gesture to Jinnie to lead the way, following after her but not before saying your thanks to the valet. You're polite. You're trained to be.

You keep your shoulders square and your walk confident as you enter the hotel lobby. There aren’t a lot of people inside. There's a family of four in a corner, a group of elderly people sitting in the waiting area, and a group of posh friends chatting near the front desk. You can see a few heads turning in your peripheral vision. You can't blame them. You can be stunning if you try to be.

Your heart begins to ram violently against your rib cage. A million butterflies infest your intestines. Your ankles feel like it’ll snap in half a few minutes later. Your mind chants: DID THEY NOTICE HOW SCARED I AM? DID THEY NOTICE HOW TERRIFIED I AM? DID THEY NOTICE? DID THEY?

You want your ball cap and your sunglasses and your face mask. You want to hide your face.

You have to control your breathing as subtly as you can but you continue walking as if you're the prettiest yet the most down-to-earth creature to ever grace the planet. You fix your hair again once Jinnie and you stop in front of the elevator. Jinnie presses a button and you wait. While waiting, you twist the sole of your boot against the floor. It's better than tapping it against the floor. The elevator dings and the two of you enter the empty box.

When the doors close, your knees give out. You slam your hands against the stainless steel walls to stop yourself from dropping to your knees on the floor. Jinnie’s hands wrap around your waist, supporting as you pull yourself up. Her face contorts in worry.

“Are you alright?” she asks. You nod quickly.

“Yeah, yeah,” you lay your palm against your chest, right above your drumming heart. “Thanks.”

You straighten up, tugging the hem of your Versace tweed outfit to smoothen the creases and fixing your hair again. You clear your throat. The elevator dings and the doors open. You step out and your mask slides in place. 

Jinnie leads you to a private dining hall. In the middle of a hall is a table occupied by five people wearing tacky orange-black polo shirts. You recognize one of them to be your fake boyfriend, Lando Norris. 

Jinnie had already shown you what he looked like in her tablet and a few printed pictures but the pictures didn't do him justice. He looks extra charming personally.

He's still not your type.

The entire group rises to a stand just as you and Jinnie reach the table. You give a ninety degree bow, hands flat on the collar of your top so you won't accidentally give the McLaren people a view of your chest. (It's not like they have something to see anyway. Your chest is flatter than a rice field.) The edges of your lips curl upwards in a polite smile. You see Lando, your supposed fake boyfriend, try to imitate the bow, although he doesn't go as deep as you did. Your head tilts slightly at his action. 

Jinnie is the first one who speaks, stretching a hand in front of her to shake hands with the McLaren team. She introduces herself in fluent English, “I’m Jinnie Jo of HAN Entertainment. It's a pleasure to meet you. This is [Name].”

They each introduce themselves one by one. Nicole, Greg, Kyla, and Louis. You try to memorize their faces and their names, drilling it into your brain so you won't forget. You're going to be working closely with them after all.

“Hi,” you greet them. You also shake hands with each of them. It feels weird, shaking hands as greetings. You are more accustomed to bowing. 

“Wow, Jinnie, your accent is good,” Kyla compliments your manager.

“Thank you,” Jinnie smiles pleasantly. “I was born in Chicago. English is my first language.”

“How about her? Does she speak English?” Louis inquires. He's giving you a funny look. You ignore it.

“She does,” you smile at him pleasantly. “I’m very fluent. You don't have to worry.”

Risha, the Canadian member of ORACLE, was the one who helped you master English. You even have a Canadian accent when you speak English because of her. Additionally, you also took language classes when you were a trainee—Japanese, Chinese, English, and you even requested Portuguese, Spanish, French, and Korean sign language. You dabbled a bit on Tagalog, too, because you know how large the ORACLE fanbase is in the Philippines. You continued taking the classes up even after debut, even after all the members of the group had stopped, because you wanted to master the languages for the fans, to be able to hold conversations with them, to connect with them. You only stopped going to the classes after leaving the group two years ago. It's nice to see that your English skills are still in perfect shape.

“Please take a seat,” Nicole invites. You and Jinnie sit down. You place your bag on the empty chair beside you and when you pull your gaze up, you coincidentally meet Lando’s eyes. They're blue and green with flecks of hazel dusted in the middle. It's the first time you've seen someone with eyes wielding three different colors. They're stunning.

You smile at him. He smiles back and then averts his gaze. You turn to Nicole, who’s sitting beside you.

“Now,” she says, putting two folders on the table. She slides them towards you and Jinnie. Jinnie picks them up. You don't. Instead, you stare at them. 

“What are these?” you question, slowly bringing your eyes up and meeting Nicole’s gaze.

“Contracts,” she answers.

“Contracts?” you echo, picking the folder up and opening it. You take your sweet time reading from top to bottom, tilting your head a bit to the side.

“You don't have to read it all. It's all just formalities. Just sign it,” Louis inputs. “Reading can be hard for you since it's not your first language—”

“I read just fine,” you interrupt, not glancing up as your eyes thoughtfully scan through the words printed on the paper. “Thank you for the concern but this is a contract that involves me and my future. I wish to know what I’m agreeing to.”

Louis wisely keeps his mouth shut. You put your hand on your mouth so you can discreetly smirk.

When you finish reading, you slowly set the folder back on the table. You press your tongue against the inside of your cheek as you tap your finger on the wooden surface of the table. 

“This is unfairly written, don't you agree?” you ask. “You're putting rather lots of demands on me but so little on him.”

From beside you, Jinnie thins her lips. You know she's also thinking the same thing. Fucking HAN Entertainment. They didn't even make sure that the contents of the contracts are not disadvantageous towards you. You are disappointed but not surprised. They really just sent you to be devoured by wolves and demanded you to not make a mistake.

McLaren also thinks they can just choose a washed-up KPop idol to cosplay as their golden boy’s trophy girlfriend and make her do all their demands with little benefits and zero complaint. They deliberately chose someone who still holds popularity but little power. Someone who needs them as badly as they need her. They chose you.

Assholes. The two of them.

“What do you want him to do anyway?” Louis sneers. His face is beginning to look a little too annoying. “He's busy building his career. All you have to do is support him and make sure everyone knows it because you have none. That's all. Or is that a little hard for you?”

Louis is getting this all wrong. Jinnie told you that you're going to fix his reputation for him so his career wouldn't be ruined. In exchange, he gives you publicity so you could bring your career back from ruination. This is not a parasitic relationship where only their side gets the benefits. How could you even work on that comeback of yours if you're going to be glued by his side? 

Your jaw ticks with restraint yet you choose to smile, “He’s not the only one building his career.”

You pick up the folder and toss it to Jinnie, who catches it skillfully. 

“Throw that away. We're flying home. I don't need a PR relationship to promote my single that much.”

Satisfaction fills you when their faces grow alarmed. 

Ha.

“Wait,” Kyla stands and she shoots a dirty glance towards Louis. Your eyebrows scrunch a little. “The contracts are open to revisions.”

You clap your hands together, smiling widely.

“Perfect. Jinnie, hand me a pen.”

The team leaves you and Lando alone in the hall to eat, to give you both a chance to get to know each other. 

You allow your eyes to scan the hall. It has a bright spacious ambiance. The windows are stretched from the floor to the ceiling, allowing as much natural light inside. Singapore looks absolutely breathtaking down below. The flooring is made out of natural pine and a crystal chandelier hangs atop the table where you and Lando ate. You keep thinking: what if it'll fall? You shake the thought out of your head and put a fork full of pasta into your mouth.

“Is the pasta good?” Lando asks. You nod, humming and smiling. You don't like it one bit. You're also mildly allergic to shellfish. You're definitely going to get a bad case of rash later. You hope Jinnie is prepared with a medicine kit. You forgot to bring yours.

You wipe your mouth with your table napkin, announcing, “I’m full.”

You have only eaten half the plate.

“Oh you have a…” Lando points at the corner of his lips. You wipe the same area in your face. “No, the other side.”

You wipe the other side, “Is it gone?”

“Allow me,” he says, standing up from his chair and leaning across the table to thumb the stain. 

“Is it gone?” you ask again. Lando nods.

“Yeah, it is.”

He goes back to his seat.

“Thank you,” you smile. “You're already doing great with the whole fake boyfriend act.”

A flustered smile splits Lando’s face, shaking his head.

“I try.”

“By the way,” you begin, leaning a little forward. “Did they also give you a folder with my information?”

Lando nods, “Yeah.”

“Did they also suck?”

He purses his lips.

“Well….” he drawls.

“You can tell me if it sucks. The one my manager gave me looks like it's copy-pasted from Wikipedia.”

Lando chuckles. 

“I mean, your biography is very…detailed? Too detailed, I think. I didn't remember most of them, sorry. I only remember a few of them. Like your birthday. January 1, 2000.”

“1999.”

“Pardon?”

You wave your hand in a theatrical flourish, “I was born in 1999. The company manipulated my public information.”

Lando’s brows raise in surprise.

“They do that?”

“You’ll be surprised,” you lean back into your chair.

“But why?”

“So every member in ORACLE can be born in 2000. I don't know,” you shrug your shoulders. 

“That seems like an unnecessary change.”

“It is,” you agree. “But HAN wants everything to be perfect. They see a flaw. They fix it to their liking immediately.”

“What are the other things that are a scam in your biography?”

“Scam is a big word,” you tell him, amused. “But I’ll tell you. In exchange, tell me about yourself. Not the info I can read in Wikipedia. In order to make this work, I have to know you.”

To be loved is to be known.

“Alright,” Lando says. “We can take turns asking each other questions.”

“Cool,” you bring a glass of water towards your lips, taking a sip. “I’ll start. How do you like your coffee?”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not giving someone the wifi password and not telling my parents about it when they asked?

this happened a while ago and ik it sounds trivial but i feel so damn guilty and i just need to know if i did something wrong (fake names used ofc)

so about seven or eight months ago a friend of mine (liz, 16f at the time, now 17) was brought to our house. child protection services had taken her and her two brothers (they're all adopted, but one of the boys is her biological brother, who i'll call james) from their parents because the boys did something to their neighbor's dogs and were found wandering all over town at night. i'm not sure exactly what as i've never been told, but i deeply suspect it was something sexual. i'm not sure. about a week before this, my friend's dogs were brought over here, again because cps wanted them removed.

so my friend is now staying with me (16f) and my twin sister sister (anna). we have a large "closet" that is really more of an attic than anything, so we put liz in there because our house is small and we didn't want her sleeping on the couch.

for about a month, things went pretty well. we had a good time! we hung out a lot, and she told me about some volunteer firefighting she did, and also some farming stuff she did with her adoptive uncle (this is important for later). but she had a secret cellphone (her parents weren't big on cellphones and they were kinda strict) that she used to do social media behind their backs. most importantly, she was talking to an older guy (axel, 28m) via snapchat. anna and i have autism and adhd and are kinda clueless about some things, so we didn't think it was such a big deal at the time. so when she asked for the wifi password, i thought nothing of it. one day when my mom asked if she had a phone, i told her no bc liz asked me not to tell my parents and i thought being loyal to her was the right thing

well, one day, liz found her biological family via facebook and started contacting them

from what little i've heard, liz and james were taken from their bio parents because the mom was an alcoholic and doing drugs, and the dad was abusing them. they never visited the kids once. but now this mom is telling liz that she wants the kids back, and because of this, liz really wanted to go back to her bio family, even though they lived in another state that was pretty far away.

so she goes up to my mom and tries to talk to her about it. also, cps came by again and said liz couldn't sleep in the room she'd been sleeping in anymore because it had no windows and thus no fire escape. and my mom found out about the phone and the older guy she was talking to. things finally got so stressful that my parents had to have liz moved to another home about an hour away

now here's why i think i was the asshole. apparently, liz had been lying to me A LOT. she never actually did the firefighting work (she did some cooking for them. that's it) and when she said she knew how to milk a cow, she actually didn't know how, AND THEN WENT ON TO MILK OUR COW ANYWAY. IN FRONT OF MY DAD. it was insane and it made anna and i freak out because we have a hard time making friends sue to previous bullying issues at a school we'd gone to

later on i overheard my mom telling my dad that she was afraid that the bio parents were trying to groom her or something, and they didn't know i'd heard that. so now i'm afraid that i'm responsible for my friend leaving and all that. also, since she's left, liz has gone on to refuse to go back to her adoptive parents and has basically made their lives hell. and she keeps getting james upset by trying to convince him into thinkking that he should want to go back to the bio parents

so am i the asshole for hiding stuff frmo my parents?

(fyi: they have since known that i gave her the wifi password. they were pissed, but they realized that i didn't know any better and aren't mad at me)

What are these acronyms?

[clownmoontoon]

RAAAAHHH HELLO ITS BEEN A MINUTE!!! \OUO/

YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN IS BACK IN BUSINESS ive been quiet a while, a LOTS been going on in my personal life that brought my social medias to a complete (and unfortunate ToT) standstill til now!

i rlly wanna talk about it, its been honestly life changing and for safety i need to add some warnings:

cw for abuse both physical and emotional, and suicidal thoughts/ideation (dw im ok and not suicidal! i used to be and i finally have real context as to why)

ANYWAYS LETS TALK ABOUT IT

i got the opportunity to see a therapist for free for the first time since i was a kid and it was IMMENSELY eye opening.

SOME CONTEXT: ive lived with just my mother since i was a teenager as i tried to "make it" as an artist. ive had my ups and downs w this career goal and have been heavy in the midst of a very big Down period. entirely brought on by how sick i was at the start of the year to june (infected lymph nodes, pneumonia, 2 pounds of tumors in my uterus that required the removal of the organ entirely etc, i may have a weak immune system im realizing sdlkjd) which resulted in me having very little energy to create and/or post content. by july i needed to basically start over. which i was excited to do! i WANTED to get back to work and i was even excited for art fight! ;u;

aaaand in july is when my mom thought would be a good time to threaten to kick me out unless i found money to give her or got a "real" job. this came as an extreme and horrifying shock as i had just asked her the month before to "believe in me just a little longer" as i finally felt i realized what id been doing wrong all these years before and felt strongly i could succeed before the end of the year, she not only emphatically agreed but even said i didnt need such a time limit and she definitely didnt mind supporting me til i reached my dream lol i couldnt even do anything until july bc i was busy recovering from major surgery, coming home with tape on my stomach to heal the incision that hadnt fully closed yet

ive wanted to see a therapist for ages bc im Full O' Trauma and i knew it would help. The way this worked was basically like getting a free trial, i got six days of therapy (to be spread out as far as i liked) thru zoom.

i used the visits more for getting advice on how to reach my goals thru mental blocks and exhaustion bc ultimately i felt like 6 days wasnt enough time to get into trauma stuff and i really just wanted to get my career off the ground again, hopefully permanently.

i had vented a tiny bit about my mom and by the final visit w my therapist i decided to forgo the "how to better reach my goals" questions and ask if she had advice on how to handle someone like my mother, who i had to live with and rely on and who would often say something cruel whenever the mood struck. as i told her about my situation she stops me and asks

"do you hear yourself? bc i hear you"

and im suddenly so scared shes going to tell me the same, "get a real job" "stop acting so selfish" etc

instead she says, "this is abuse, youre literally describing an abusive relationship"

i was in complete shock

i even asked her how could i be the one being abused when i was the one using the resources and she compared it to a person getting married to someone rich and that rich person treating them like theyre worthless for not also making money.

it shook me to my core especially bc my mom loved calling me an abuser and comparing me to her abusive ex husbands (one of which used to abuse her physically, punch her/beat her etc) and saying im just like them

for the record ive never laid a hand on her, she would say these things whenever the mood struck, often out of nowhere

once bc i told her i couldnt read her mind and didnt know what she wanted lol wild

ANYWAY after this conversation i started looking back on my life and realizing why ive always felt so worthless, why i thought until my early 20's that suicide would be the best option for everyone. i was so exhausted from chasing this dream and feeling like such a worthless burden, my mother would get so angry with me for just existing and i felt like she would be so much happier if i were out of the picture, my sisters (both a decade older and living w their own families) calling me a leech and selfish for "using" our mother etc

any time i would stand up for myself, kindly and meekly as i could my mother would tell me how she wanted to punch my mouth, slap my face etc for years i thought she'd eventually fly into such a rage one day that she'd kill me and... i honestly didnt really mind the thought once while in high school my mom picked me up for lunch and offered to pay for a prom dress. i told her that it was ok, i knew she was struggling w money rn and i didnt really wanna go to prom anyway she flew into such a rage she pulled over on the highway just to pull my hair and beat me, and then dropped me back at school to finish my day lol

realizing that all of that IS NOT OK OR A NORMAL WAY TO FEEL OR BE TREATED AND I DEFINITELY DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THAT was extremely eye opening

i told my best friends what my therapist had said and they were both like YEAH... DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU HAD AN ABUSIVE MOTHER??

apparently it was very obvious ^^; my friends were shocked to find that i thought everything was my fault, my therapist even used the term "gaslighting narcissist" to describe her which was WILDLY VALIDATING for me lmao

sitting w all these thoughts whirling around my head my mom texts me suddenly and tells me to ask my sisters for money (13 hundred dollars lol) bc she needs it for "bills"

i didnt want to do that at all she told me to "use my big words" to convince them and not to say it was her idea, but instead to act like i was asking bc i wanted to

it felt gross and made my skin crawl and honestly didnt even make sense bc WHY would i need that money so i asked but let my sisters know it was my mom asking and said she prob felt embarrassed to ask, while telling my mom that i asked in the way she wanted

my oldest sister makes good money and has helped our mom w money in the past. she texted me back asking why our mom needed money and why 1300 and i told her honestly i didnt know, i asked my mom what to say and she said to tell her she had an itemized list but she left it at work and couldnt remember what was on it lol

my sister told me to tell our mom that she couldnt help rn, so i did and my mom encouraged me to push harder to my other sister

suddenly the sister i had been talking to texts me and says that our mom left her a voicemail saying she doesnt know WHY i would ask for money, must be bc she threatened to kick me out bc i never help her with money :,( which was WILD bc any time i had money my mom would get most if not all of it, i havent been able to save money since ... ever tbqh, even when i tried my mom would successfully guilt every dollar from me letting me know i didnt deserve to save a penny after all shes done for me aaAA

ANYWAY i was so angry and hurt that my mom would just throw me under the bus i told my sister i had proof i wasnt lying (bc she was already inclined to believe our mother since they both considered me a leech to start with) and sent her screenshots of my texts

she was shocked and hurt too i decided to tell her about my therapy and how my therapist had called our mom an abuser and she answered that she understands more than ill ever know... which is very sad hjghfgf

we havent really talked more since and i deleted my texts to the other sister, more likely than not my mom sent her a similar voicemail

im very tired

i want to get out of here, im finally seeing this relationship for what its been for years and years, even back to when i was a little kid! i didnt know about suicide but id dream of being an animal in the wild bc i felt like if i were just out of the picture everyone at home would be less angry

its something that enrages me now tbqh ive tried all my life to be as little of a burden as possible and now im ready to be a problem LMAO :o)

the long and short of it is that i will be posting art sales and opening my patreon FINALLY to try and save up funds to get out of here ive also gotten a part time job on weekends for a little cushion tho some of that money will inevitably go to my mother, unfortunately

she doesnt know about the money i make online :o)

my family has constantly called me selfish, entitled and spoiled for just asking for common decency and to be treated like a person, theyve dehumanized me to the point that my greatest coping mechanism was creating a creature sona that isnt human but a monstrous equivalent lol AND I LOVE THEM IM EMBRACING CREATURE LETS FUCKIN GO

i know this has been long and if youve made it to the end i love u and im so thankful for your support!! ;u;

FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!! i want to come back full force, i havent stopped drawing at all, just havent had the energy to do much til now

my therapist even pointed out that i probably WOULDVE had at least moderate steady success by now if it werent for my mom's constant abuse

OH ALSO I NOW HAVE FOUR CATS LMAO a stray i had been giving water to and keeping safe from weather things (extreme heat, extreme cold etc) had her kittens here! and my mom gave me the ok to keep them all ;u; (and then ofc rescinded that but thats hardly a surprise now lol) and man, having kids cats sure changes your perspective on what u want and feel like you deserve! I NEED TO DO WELL BC THESE KITTIES DEPEND ON ME AND I LOVE THEM QVQ <3<3

SO YEAH IM BACK BABY IM GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE ASAP AND CONCENTRATING ON MY WELL BEING AND MENTAL HEALTH!! 😤🔥

[f1ghtsoftly]

All The Women’s News You Missed Last Week:

9/9/24-9/16/24

US Reproductive Rights:

The Young Woman Making Kamala Harris’ Strongest Case on Abortion Rights

A judge strikes down North Dakota’s abortion ban and rules that access is protected

Missouri’s ballot will include abortion rights measure in November, court rules

More Women Had Their Tubes Tied After Roe V. Wade Was Overturned

Transgender/Gender Critical:

A look at Trump's 'transgender operations on illegal aliens' debate claim

Transgender New Hampshire teens can play for girls' sports teams during lawsuit, judge says

Sarah McBride is one step closer to becoming the first trans member of Congress

Greens hit with £90,000 bill after discrimination case

Graham Linehan 'subjected to discrimination in Belfast pub over gender critical beliefs'

US:

Trump says 'I hate Taylor Swift' after pop star endorses Harris

If Harris wins, she would make history. But she isn’t talking about that

A’ja Wilson becomes 1st WNBA player to reach 1,000 points in a season as Aces top Sun

WNY high school athletes, transgender advocates bring awareness to NY PROP 1

New York officials to release new renderings of possible Gilgo Beach victim

The anti-abortion activist urging followers not to support Trump

Trailblazing ballerina Michaela DePrince dies aged 29

Arkansas’ gov says Medicaid extension for new moms isn’t needed. Advisers disagree

Biden commemorates Violence Against Women Act as 'proudest' legislative win on eve of its 30th anniversary

She couldn't go to her daughter's graduation, so the hospital brought it to her

A venture capital grant program for Black women officially ends after court ruling

U.S. urges Israel to swiftly investigate killing of American woman in West Bank

Global:

Man accused of killing a Ugandan Olympian by setting her on fire, dies of burn wounds

Channel 4 will not remove alleged abuser from show

'Baby Reindeer' is facing a lawsuit — that didn't stop it from winning 6 Emmys

Kidnapped and trafficked twice - a sex worker's life in Sierra Leone

Couple accused of murdering teen to steal baby acquitted

'Lashed for a social media photo' in Iran

Olympic runner Cheptegei defied her violent ex. She lost her life anyway

Former prominent BBC news anchor gets suspended sentence for indecent images of children on phone

A union leader freed from prison vows to continue a strike against Cambodia’s’s biggest casino

Mother in Gaza longs for triplets in Jerusalem hospital

Princess Kate completes chemotherapy treatment for cancer

A Filipino preacher on the run from sexual abuse charges surrenders

Culture:

Profiles in clean energy: She founded a business to keep EV charging stations up and running

Hillary Clinton takes stock of life’s wins and losses in a memoir inspired by a Joni Mitchell lyric

Her piano concert was six years in the making. Then Puerto Rico's power went out

'I wanted to make a gay Clueless': Jamie Babbit on how her lesbian comedy But I'm a Cheerleader became a cult classic

'Criminally underrated': Why My Brilliant Friend is one of the best shows on TV

Jessica Pratt cracks open the sunny veneer of the California dream

Cooking for the most powerful person in the world

Rachel Kushner's new espionage thriller may be her coolest book yet

Want this emailed to you instead? Subscribe here.

As always, this is global and domestic news from a US perspective covering feminist issues and women in the news more generally. As of right now, I do not cover Women’s Sports. Published each Monday afternoon. 

I am looking for better sources on women’s arts and culture outside of the English-speaking world, if you know of any-please be in touch.

[just-promise-me-jm]

An essay no one asked for

It was a long stressful day today so when I was taking a break from work I decided to do a quick scroll through social media to see what had been going on today.

Unsurprisingly, I almost immediately came across a number of posts trying to shade Jimin or make fun of his fans along with the typical "fuck solos" type narratives that seem so popular these days. All I really wanted to see were cute pictures of Jimin on his way to Hungary or hear some theories on what he might be doing there.

In fact, here is a cute Jimin pic to thank you for taking the time to even read the rest of this:

credit to @UpdateParkJimin

So here is a short list of a few of the things I saw just today:

Jimin is obviously copying JK by going to film something in Hungary (such a stupid theory and I saw someone post that Seventeen actually went there first)

Jimin isn't as popular as JK because he didn't get mobbed by his fans (tbh they seemed very well behaved and I was proud that they didn't act like absolute fools and put Jimin in danger)

Jimin and the remaining members should just shave their heads already and go to the military so that we can get the promised 2025 reunion (absolute nonsense and a highly problematic take)

Solos are the worst and should be eradicated from the fandom (just because you are a solo it doesn't make you toxic, just like being an ARMY doesn't mean you are a good person)

Obviously I'm sure there is a lot more than that but that is all I had the pleasure of seeing on my break. Now most of these aren't totally new, just the same story with a different font, but it doesn't make it any more fun each time they go around. I could go into detail on any of these but to be honest most of them are so shallow and stupid that it's not even worth bothering.

What I really want to focus on today is the narrative that solos are toxic and something that needs to be removed from fandom spaces. The reality is that almost everyone in the fandom has a self-professed bias that they proudly display in their bio or profile pic. Even if they have a tiny seven somewhere in there, it doesn't make that fact any less true. I think it's natural to be more drawn to one person, one type of food, one pair of shoes, etc. as your favorite and it's incredibly rare that anyone can honestly say that they "love everyone equally" (even if it's your mom saying she doesn't have a favorite child, I don't believe her).

Like I said above, I know that some solos are toxic just like I know some ARMY are toxic. Again, I think that unfortunately it's natural that some people are going to just be shitty people no matter what. What it really all comes down to is how you treat others and how you conduct yourself in these fandom spaces. I said this in my first post but I'll say it here again - you and I don't have to agree on everything to treat each other with respect and decency. But if you come into a space and harass others and generally act like an idiot then yea you should be barred from those spaces. Painting a whole group in broad brushstrokes, however, is not the solution.

Saying you "hate solos" (which let's be real - it's often just a thinly veiled way to hate on PJMs or other Jimin supporters) just means that you are stereotyping a whole group of people that hold a variety of beliefs, feelings and behaviors. If you see something truly problematic that someone is posting or saying do what you are supposed to do - block and report. If it's just that someone doesn't agree with you or if you have some sick obsession with Jimin and his success - do me a favor and turn off your phone for a bit. Calling other people names and harassing them because they don't think your fave is the greatest thing ever is just pathological.

We live in a really messy world and I will never understand the desire to make it messier for others by being a dick. A much better way to spend your time and energy in a fandom is to actually do the things that help support your bias - stream, buy, vote, and share them with others who might not have found them yet. Or be like me and write multiple paragraphs that people may never read in an attempt to call out some real bullshit that is going on.

If you read this, I appreciate really it 💗.

Here is another Jimin for your time:

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

NIGHTWISH Singer And SABATON Drummer Welcome Their Second Child

NIGHTWISH singer Floor Jansen and SABATON drummer Hannes Van Dahl have welcomed their second child, a daughter named Lucy.

Jansen and Van Dahl already have a six-year-old daughter named Freja, who was born on March 15, 2017.

The Dutch-born vocalist revealed the news in a social media post earlier today (Friday, October 20). She shared a photo of her, Hannes, Freja and Lucy holding hands, and she wrote: "There she is! With great happiness we can announce the birth of our second daughter Lucy! Big sister Freja is delighted with our dark haired little girl too!

"Health is not a given fact, and so it's humbling to report that both our baby girl as mom are in a great one! We are enjoying these special moments to the fullest and ask for understanding of our privacy in this intimate time! Big thanks for all the love and support we received during the pregnancy! We have now welcomed our dear Lucy into this beautiful world".

Shortly before Freja was born, Hannes was asked by Spain's Metal Journal whether his family situation would have an impact on his ability to tour with SABATON. Hannes said: "Well, you know, as far as I'm concerned, nothing will really change, 'cause this is what I do, an this is… this is what I do to make a living. People have had kids before in this business. So, to stop any worries — 'cause I know a lot of people are worried [about me] quitting the band — I will stay in the band. And as far as I can say, when it's time, I need to go and be there with my family. But when I've done that, I'm going back to touring. So I won't leave. I will be there."

Jansen herself had spoken about the challenges of raising a child while being in a touring band like NIGHTWISH. She told Finland's Radio Rock in 2016: "Of course, it's a very challenging combination, and I was very happy that the way [NIGHTWISH is] today — or, actually, have always been — it's a very open group; we can talk about things. And the guys, actually, were curious. A few months ago, we started talking about it, like, 'So, 2017… How about kids? Yeah?' So it's great to think about things together: how can we combine it? Also 'cause my partner is in a successful band, touring a lot. Yeah, then you need the cooperation of the people that you are family with also. So I am not afraid that won't work. It will be a challenge, for sure, but, yeah, a little SABATON or NIGHTWISH daycare program sounds lovely, doesn't it? [Laughs]"

Jansen also dismissed rumors that she would leave the band after welcoming her first child. She told Mariskal Rock TV: "No, I won't [quit NIGHTWISH]. I love this way too much; don't worry. You don't even have negative speculations one way or another. Things are great, and let's keep on doing this forever."

NIGHTWISH played its last concert before its current break from touring on June 17 at Lemonsoft Stadion in Vaasa.

In November 2022, Floor revealed that she was "cancer free" after undergoing surgery to have a tumor removed following a breast cancer diagnosis.

In April, NIGHTWISH surprised fans by announcing that the band was not going to be playing any live shows for the foreseeable future and would be not be touring in support of the group's next studio album, which is tentatively due in 2024.

Floor's debut solo album "Paragon", arrived in March.

As part of NIGHTWISH, Jansen has landed two number one albums in Finland, and Top Five albums in Austria, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, the Netherlands, Norway, Sweden and Switzerland.

Born in the Netherlands, Jansen joined her first band, one of the world's first symphonic metal bands, AFTER FOREVER, when she was only 16 years old. The group went on to release five albums from 2000 to 2007, before they broke up in 2009.

Jansen's next band, REVAMP, released two albums in 2010 and 2013, before she joined NIGHTWISH as a full-time member. NIGHTWISH's first album with Jansen as the lead singer was 2015's "Endless Forms Most Beautiful", which landed in Top 10s around the world. This was followed by 2020's "Human. :II: Nature." , which was also an international success.

Jansen has toured extensively with the band and appeared on three of NIGHTWISH's live albums "Showtime, Storytime", "Vehicle Of Spirit" and "Decades: Live In Buenos Aires".

In 2019, Jansen participated in the popular Dutch TV show "Beste Zangers" where she scored a big hit with "Phantom Of The Opera" together with Henk Poort. She was recognized with a Dutch Popprijs award — a prestigious accolade for artists that has made important contributions to Dutch music. In the same year, her first solo tour sold out in less than 24 hours.

Jansen performed live with NIGHTWISH for the first time on October 1, 2012 at Showbox Sodo in Seattle, Washington following the abrupt departure of the band's lead singer of five years, Anette Olzon. Jansen officially joined NIGHTWISH in 2013.

[waterfallswords]

Magazine: Vanity Fair Issue Date: August 2021

You come from a family of actors. How did that influence your decision to pursue acting?

Acting was always a part of my life. I was on sets young and there were always conversations at the dinner table surrounding the industry. It felt natural to gravitate towards acting, but my parents never pressured me or my sister. They always encourage us to be ourselves and to do exactly what we want to do in life.

You took a break from acting as a teenager. Can you tell us why?

It can be overwhelming, especially when you start young. I wanted to reflect and pursue things that could help me learn about myself. Being a teenager is already such a difficult age range, you're unsure about yourself and the future. I think a part of me was scared of putting all my eggs in one basket, I needed to see what else was out there.

Social media is a big part of many celebrities' lives, but you keep a low profile online. Why is that?

I really value my privacy and I always have. I think, sometimes, social media can become superficial and performative even though it's supposed to be genuine. Who cares if I grabbed coffee or had dinner with friends? There's so many moments I want to keep for myself, too. Now that I have a daughter, I don't want her to feel as if anything and everything she says or does is going to be put out there to be seen.

How did your parents influence your approach to acting?

Their guidance is invaluable. Neither my mother or my father were born into a life where they had connections into the industry, so they taught me the value of hard work and dedication. They like to remind me and my sister that we had it a lot easier than they did, too. The second I need help or advice, I'm calling both of them because they teach me all the time. They support my decisions in accepting or turning down roles. They help me in so many ways.

Motherhood is a big part of your life now. How has it changed your approach to your career?

It's changed my priorities and definitely for the better. I don't want to ever choose work over being there for my daughter. Now, I consider roles for a lot longer. I won't take them if they will disrupt the routine and flow of our family. It's a balancing act, more so than before. Keeping hold of your identity as a person can feel difficult when you become a mother, because you're suddenly responsible for a literal life. I don't want to completely erase myself in the process but she will always come first.

What kind of roles are you drawn to now?

I think every actor wants a role that they can dig into. Complex characters and stories are more rewarding and can test your craft. Even though I want that, I really just want to try as many different ones as possible. I'm a big fan of rom-coms, maybe because of my mom. I'd love to do some of them.

How do you stay grounded in an industry that can be so intense?

That's easy. My family. With them, I'm just a daughter or a big sister, a mother. I can be completely myself and everything slows down. In a way, we have our own bubble and I love that. If I need to feel connected to myself, I know exactly who I need to be around.

How do you handle criticism, both from the public and within the industry?

I try to take constructive criticism in my stride and use it to improve my craft. It's easier said than done. As for public criticism, I know I can't take it personally. People will always have opinions and I can't change them. The fact that I keep myself removed from that side of everything helps. I know that I don't try and set any records straight, so I have to be okay with people having opinions when they don't know the whole story.

What’s something people might be surprised to learn about you?

I'm an extroverted introvert, or an introverted extrovert. I will talk to anyone and I laugh at anything but I really value time I have by myself or with my family. There's no way to predict which side I lean more towards on any day. Even I don't know what I will wake up feeling like. I either want to do everything at once, or just read a book.

What’s next for you? Any upcoming projects?

No Time To Die is released soon, so I'm just excited to see the response to that. It was a huge honor to work on such a popular franchise, and I want to make sure I take time to appreciate it before I jump into anything else.

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2024.

Would you rather visit The Eiffel Tower or the Egyptian Pyramids? I would be much more interested in visiting the Pyramids.

Would you be surprised if your most recent ex called you tonight? I probably wouldn't even answer because don't pick up numbers I don't recognize.

Do you need to lose or gain weight? I still need to gain a little bit of weight. I don't know exactly what I weigh (I haven't checked since sometime around February or March of this year), but going with an estimate based on that, I'm about 1 BMI point below normal. Obviously, I might need to gain more than that to feel my best, but we'll just see how things go.

Do you think you have a disorder but haven’t been properly diagnosed yet? No. In fact, I'm approaching a point where at least some of my previous diagnoses could be removed. I still struggle to an extent, but perhaps no longer at a "clinical" level.

What is the population of the city you live in? Approximately 111,000.

How many pairs of jeans do you own? I have a few pairs of jeans. Most of them are stuffed away in storage and I basically never wear them, but I do have a dark gray pair that I should wear more often…

When did you last vacuum your room? Monday afternoon.

Have you ever put on or lost a significant amount of weight? Both. I've relapsed and "recovered" and relapsed and "recovered" from my eating disorder since I was 14. "Recovered" is in quotes because even though I would put on some weight, the mental side of things was never fully resolved. I'm in a pretty stable place now, though. I've been through some things over the past year(ish) that would have had me running right back to old habits, but aside from a few dips, it's been a mostly upward trend. At least when it comes to the foreseeable future, I really can't see myself returning to the way I was. The desire is still there, but I don't want to give up the life I've created for myself for something that would be comparatively miserable.

On a scale of 1-5, how often do you curse? Maybe 2-3. It also depends on who I'm around.

What is the worst thing you’ve ever smelled? Probably dog shit. At the end of the day, we have to go around and empty all the trash cans at the shelter, and the dog poo cans are especially potent. Skunk spray is a close second. Yesterday, a woman brought in a kitten that seemed to have been sprayed. It's currently being housed in one of the bathrooms, and even though the smell isn't that strong, it's still not pleasant.

What’s your favorite social media platform? YouTube, Instagram, and Tumblr.

Name someone with brown eyes. Liv.

Do you know what your next injection will be? I have no idea.

Does anyone call you darling? If so who? No.

If you had to have a cartoon character tattooed to you what would it be? Maybe the Aristocat kittens. :')

You have to dye your hair two colours, what do you choose? Black and blood red. I would also consider doing something with pastels, but I can't decide on the colors.

If you could, would you look at your future self? No. I might see myself doing well and that would be a comfort, but what if I saw myself doing poorly? As difficult as it can be, I'd rather just deal with that unknown.

Who was your first serious relationship? I'm not sure who to count as my first serious relationship.

If you had to cut a parent out of your life who would you cut out? My mom. I don't want to cut her out of my life, but if push came to shove, then I would much rather have my dad around.

If you had to get a piercing right now what would you get done? Probably another lip piercing. I've had other piercings before (both eyebrows, bridge, and ears), but those didn't do well.

Who is the number 1 person/thing in your life? My dad and my cats (if it's okay to count cats as people in this case). As for a thing, volunteering.

What are two things you wish you never did? I don't know. I do have regrets and some of them are rather painful, but I try to look at them as lessons learned the hard way.

Would you rather have three personal wishes or world peace? Ahh fvck it. World peace. I might not care much about the world as it is (blah blah blah I'm going to die in 50 years and none of this will matter blah blah blah), but if I was presented with a magical opportunity to improve it for everyone, then I would probably take it.

What were/is your high school colors? One was red and white and the other was gold and white.

When someone sneezes, do you say “Bless you,” or “God Bless you?” Typically "bless you." But sometimes my dad will get to sneezin' up a storm and I'll just be like: blessin's, bleezin's, sneezus, my condolences, etc.

Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? No.

What are two things you are excited to do in the near future? Lunch with my mom at Chili's. She's picking me up soon, so I might not have time to finish this survey before she does. Also, Halloween at the animal shelter. It falls on a Thursday, which is normally one of my days off, but I'm thinking of going in anyway and taking Friday or Saturday off instead. Oh, and I know this only asks for two things, but I'm also looking forward to going to the Mountain Park tomorrow. I'm so glad my dad and I have turned it into an almost weekly thing.

Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? A house.

Are you one of those people who like to spell out numbers? It depends.

Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? Brianna, a woman who works at the animal shelter. She had her birthday just a little bit ago.

Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I don't.

Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? My mom might not approve of some of the political stuff I watch.

Do you plan your meals in any way? I pretty much eat the same things day in and day out with relatively little variation, but there's still some planning that goes into it. I have to buy the ingredients, etc.

Were you in the scouts when you were young? Yeah.

How many people could sleep in your home? (Not counting floor space; beds and couches only) Depends on how squished you want them to be.

Have you ever made a hole-in-one at mini-golf? I don't recall.

What genre was the last song you listened to? Who provided the vocals? Classical. There were no vocals.

If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? Idk.

What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? Last I knew, they were in a relationship.

Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? Yeah. There are two people I miss. I wouldn't want to reconnect, but…y'know. They still have a place in my heart.

If you could go forward in time and see your life 5 years from now, what would you hope to see? Hopefully even healthier, working at the animal shelter, possibly living in my own apartment…

Who came over last? My mom. I just got back from the lunch outing I mentioned above.

Has one of your friends ever tried to “hook you up?” No.

What is your card game of choice? I don't have one.

What is your favourite books series? It's not exactly a series, but books by Joshua Cutchin. I think I've read all but his most recent release.

If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it and what’s your favorite flavor? Most of the time, I just add water. I also use plain oatmeal more often than not and just flavor it with other things (peanut butter, fruit, chocolate syrup, etc), but as far as flavored packets go, probably brown sugar & cinnamon or peaches & cream.

Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video and if not, what was it of? It was "Varsity Boos! Homecoming Haunts and School Spirits" by Belief Hole.

Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery and if so, how much did they win and would you or have you ever played the lottery? No.

What was the last thing someone has sincerely thanked you for? I'm not sure.

What band, celebrity, etc. do you know the most information about and who would you like to learn more about? I know nothin 'bout nothin. I can't really think of anyone I want to learn more about either.

[ivysangel]

drop the mean girls review! my friend wants to go see it and i need to know how much to mentally prepare myself

sunnie (@fic-over-cannon)

Okay, so I need to preface this by saying I'm a huge Mean Girls fan. I've seen the movie dozens of times. I've seen the show on Broadway once and left the theater begging my mom to take me again, and then I cried when the show closed before I could see it again. I've also seen the Mean Girls sequel on multiple occasions (unfortunately). I'm also a fashion lover, music lover, and the enjoyer of some tasteful political incorrectness in a movie like...Mean Girls (2004). I'm not a movie buff or an expert critic, but I am a girl who has spent hours putting Rachel McAdams’ Regina George on mood boards and listening to Taylor Louderman's performance of 'Someone Gets Hurt' from the Mean Girls Original Broadway Cast Recording. With all of that being said, here's my review.

(proceed with caution: spoilers and supreme level hating, cw: mentions of weight)

First of all, the pacing just felt kind of off? I think it's because there were so few scenes set outside of the high school, and I think that has something to do with them cutting 9 songs from the original soundtrack and even the ones they kept; some were still cut short. Which took away some of the best parts of the movie. For instance, Gretchen's part in 'Meet the Plastics' was one of the most memorable parts of the soundtrack, and it was cut down to the one introductory line that wasn't even delivered by her, Karen's part, too. How are you going to call the song 'Meet the Plastics' and only have Regina sing it? I'd also like to mention that in the original song, there's a line that Regina sings, she says, "I never weigh more than 115," and they change it to "that filter you use looks just like me." now, there are two explanations for this, first, they wanted to keep it going with the social media theme which runs rampant throughout the entire movie or they wanted to be mindful of what they put in the movie considering the audience consists heavily of women and young girls. However, there is so so so much emphasis on Regina's weight during the entire rest of the movie (like, I honestly feel more than normal, but I'm not sure) that if it is the latter, it just completely defeats the purpose of removing that line, so I'm really hoping it's the former.

Cady can't sing, or at least I just found her voice, so...not good? Something about it just wasn't giving nuh uh. She also wasn't a convincing mean girl, a convincing socially awkward, not-aware teen girl who had been homeschooled her whole life? Yeah, she nailed that, but a MEAN girl, nope, not convincing at all. This is also where the pacing was off to me. I felt like she was a mean girl for 0.5 minutes, and that, paired with the fact that she just wasn't convincingly mean? Didn't really do it for me.

They also made most of the insults more palatable? Which was fine at times. Like yeah, you should probably refrain from saying slurs in the big year of 2024, but trading social suicide for "socially ruinous," What the hell? How old are we? I just think it's a little funny bc the word suicide isn't okay (apparently), but Kevin G performing a song where he talks about how he basically uses geometry to be good at sex is more appropriate? Like, I don't know what the thought process was, how they decided on what was getting put on the chopping block and what wasn't.

Also, Gretchen gets a solo, and ik it's in the musical, but it feels so incredibly out of place in the movie, like SO out of place. Also, Gretchen is Latina, apparently? Which isn't a problem in the slightest, but it's just mentioned once and never referenced again ever...like at all...not even in passing. They threw in the "this was a gift from my abuelito" for brownie points and called it a day.

Cristopher Briney is one of the most unattractive men I've seen in a while, which is why it's so hard to see so many close-up shots of his face since he's supposed to be the super heart throbby Aaron Samuels that these girls are fighting over. "Cady, tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back." he has a prematurely receding hairline; let's keep the hair down while he still has it. Also, he has no singing lines in the movie, which is so...bc he has them in the original musical. The ending of the original version of 'Someone Gets Hurt' is sung by both him and Regina. Like you hired an ugly man who can't sing to play the sexy heartthrob in a musical? Oh ok.

The fashion was so genuinely terrible. I was mortified. MORTIFIED, I TELL YOU. Regina making fun of other people while she was walking around in #those outfits. I can't even begin to describe what she was wearing half the time, but it was so bad. Ironically, the outfit she wore when she was shunned was like??? one of the more palatable ones, along with her prom dress and the outfit she wore during the burn book scene, which was a nod to Rachel McAdams' Regina George (that was cute). But the outfit she was first shown in...those ugly fucking shoes???? The furry black sweater and highlighter green pants???? What the fuck is going on!!! Everyone was dressed head to toe in shein and cider, and it was obvious. I think the problem with a lot of remakes these days is they develop costumes using trends from a specific era of social media, but those trends so quickly go out of style. Micro trends are the reason why shows and movies set in high school almost never hit the nail on the head, that and the fact that they use influencers as guidelines for how teenagers act when most of us are normalish? idk that's a whole different convo.

i kinda tuned in and out after the gym scene, like idk man i was just mad at that point. I guess I should list some redeeming qualities now?

Tim Meadows reprising his role as Principal Duvall was amazing ofc; his comedic timing is great, and kudos to him for acting through one classic, one flop, and one box office banger that should've been kept in the drafts. Avantika is beautiful, stunning, amazing!! There was nothing about her acting as Karen that really did it for me, but I love her so bad I can't hate on her. Reneé Papp is a fantastic singer like who's surprised? No one? Exactly. They also got Megan Thee Stallion and Chris Olsen to make cameos in tiktoks during the movie, which was funny. It had its good moments, but I really just think for me personally, as an enjoyer of both the original movie and the original musical adaptation, this fell so so so flat. Of course, my opinion doesn't reflect the opinions of everyone, and you may very well love it!! I do definitely urge you to listen to the original versions of 'Meet the Plastics' and 'Someone Gets Hurt' because those are so very good; also, Auli'i Cravalho's rendition of 'Revenge Party' was very good, and I really like Jaquel Spivey as Damian.

Anyway, that's it!

update: forgot to mention the extremely obvious product placement and the way they changed one of the lines in revenge party from “what’s regina doing, what’s regina wearing, is she dating aaron” to “what’s regina doing, what’s regina wearing, is she texting aaron” which is totally harmless but it irked me so bad bc they’re trying sooooo hard to be with the times or whatever and it just ??? like !!! they’re trying TOO hard bc dating was perfectly fine in the context of the plot that’s why it was put there in the first place!!!!

another update: more pros, principal duvall still has a hand injury (funny i like it) AND TINA FEY REPRISING HER ROLE!!! BIG PRO!!! also there’s literally a whole song in the og musical dedicated to the plastics realizing they’re sentient beings that don’t have to rely on regina…and they just cut that out lol? also listen to the og revenge party bc there’s a whole bit where regina cheats on aaron and it’s wildly different in that version (it was better and funnier too) but like i said…they made the movie more palatable.

[ezekieltobiasfletcher]

Keep It Simple

The worst of my bout with COVID is over. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I noticed the uncomfortable tingle in my throat. Yesterday marks one week since I suffered the worst of it. I am on the mend, but some symptoms still linger. As much as I want them to go away, I need these remaining mild symptoms to linger a little while longer as a reminder. I need to be reminded of the promises I made to my higher power that I would take better care of myself. To sleep when I am tired, and not to use substinances, screens, and people to distract myself from the work and pains of living my life on life's terms. I need to be reminded of how honest I was with myself as I pleaded through prayer to survive this virus. I need to be reminded that I will not find my salvation in thinking about what I need to do. I will only save myself by focusing on my higher power and walking my talk. If I want things to be different, then I need to continue breaking from my old habits and coping mechanisms and act as-if, being different, everyday, one day at a time.

I had very little appetite while I was in the depths of COVID. For a few days, all I could tolerate was Lipton Noodles packets with some added rice. The first day I felt a little better, I knew I needed to consume calories, protein, and fiber to help my decimated digestion system. I decided to keep it simple, and made myself two eggs, scrambled in the pan, and two slices of wheat toast with butter. I also decided to nourish my soul by playing one of my favorite games with my mind. I call it, "look how lucky I am..."

I was raised by an early Boomer mother, born in the latter half of the 1940's. She was raised by parents who grew up during the depression, and she also spent a great deal of time with her maternal grandparents, who together with my maternal grandparents, all survived The Great Depression. The love and hardships that my mom was raised with gave her the ability to always find silver linings and to make do with what she had. I will write more about her someday, but for today, I just want you to know that I am very grateful for her and her simple, everyday values that bring me comfort when I need it most. My mother's spirit is part of the great amalgamation that is my "higher power".

As I was making my breakfast, I put on a YouTube Music playlist called: Depression Era, Golden Age of Radio. I remembered stories I was told about what it was like living through world wars, the 1918 flu, and the Great Depression. While preparing my meal, these memories of stories from my family made me thankful to have a stove, cookware, a toaster, sliced bread, butter, eggs, salt and pepper, and a warm home with indoor hot water plumbing to live in. By my grandparents and great grandparent's standards, I have everything I need to live a good and simple life. By simply having a job and a home in the United States, I am in the top 5% of the world. Look how lucky I am.

As horrible as COVID has been for me, it helped me get to bed earlier, I haven't had any marijuana in two weeks, I've limited my screen time, I removed all the social media apps from the home screen of my phone, I've logged off from work by 5:30pm each day, I'm being more intentional about my meals, and with not getting the munchies from the pot, I'm not snacking all the time like Scooby and Shaggy. And as shitty as being sick was, literal pun intended, I am back to my pre-COVID lockdown weight. So yeah... I'm letting this recent mental bottoming out affect me, and I'm getting out of my own way and drawing even closer to my higher power. Look how lucky I am to be alive and be able to change for the better.

For what it's worth, that meal of eggs, toast, and a small glass of orange juice, it was the most delicious fucking meal I have had in a long time. I never want to forget the depth of gratitude I felt on that morning; ever.

[onward--upward]

Hi 🦀🦀 some Weird Asks for you: 18 (leaving it up to you to choose the passage), 25, 36 💞

HELLO BELOVED thank u!! 🦀🦀

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

i am going to take this opportunity to talk about my baby boy avery o'connor from steppin' into fate <3 <3

he has a bunch of spare toothbrushes in his bathroom for when friends stay over, in a variety of colours.

he hates beer (bold and controversial opinion for a hockey player.)

his crush on buck was sooooo obvious that it's a running joke on the Kings' social media. he is never ever escaping the obsessed-with-evan-buckley accusations

when he's a little more settled in the league and has a longer contract he goes out and adopts TWO dogs in the summer break. avery o'connor dog dad CONFIRMED

he absolutely goes out and gets a bf at some point i just haven't decided Whom or When

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice... what do you Know?

excellent question!!! the answer is Not A Whole Lot. I know.... terrible retail jobs? academia? oh!!! i know Hockey, but i've already written about that one!

i know Being Bisexual and Stupid, that's why i gravitate towards evan buckley <3

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end.

Okay this is my favourite question ever!!! I decided to go with the opening to my beloved soulmate AU, stitch my soul, because it was the story that i wrote over the longest period of time so i was interested to go back and see how it changed.

passage and the rest of the answer is under the cut because i don't want to clog up people's dashes <3

from the finished version:

For a long time, the crook of Eddie’s arm read only Ev. For such a long time, even, that his parents sometimes asked him if he was sure it hadn't settled yet. Maybe he had missed the signs. “It could be an unusual name, Eddie,” his mom says one night, when he’s been fighting with Shannon, his girlfriend who isn’t his soulmate, his girlfriend that his parents have never liked very much at all. “Ev. You never know, these days, what people are naming their children.” 

“It hasn’t settled,” he’d insisted, because you were supposed to know, when it did. And he’d never felt the shift, the one that you always see in movies when the music swells and everything falls into a sharp focus. There was no click, in his chest, nothing coming together. It just felt… unfinished. 

Unsettled. 

There are lots of potential reasons that a mark might take a long time to settle into your soulmate’s name. They make it seem like everyone settles right around the time they reach adulthood, but Eddie’s done the research, and he knows that plenty of people don’t settle that early. The experts don’t seem to be able to agree on why it takes longer, for some people. There’s no definitive explanation. And Eddie has never needed one. 

Because Shannon shows up on his doorstep at his parents’ house with a positive pregnancy test, and he marries her in a church that his parents pick out, and he enlists in the army because he’s 21 and terrified and he doesn’t have many employable skills. The scrawled Ev on the inside of his forearm doesn’t matter much, in the end, when he’s out there learning to have steady hands and quick problem-solving skills, and practising how to remove a bullet from beneath somebody’s skin. It doesn’t matter much when he’s flying home to cut the umbilical cord and meet his son and then shipping back out to the dust and the sand before any of it really starts to feel real. And he has Shannon – brave, beautiful Shannon. She’s never been his soulmate, and he’s never been hers. But he loves her. And he has Christopher, now, and he loves him, too. And whoever his Ev is, he doubts they would want… all of this, even if he was going to drop everything for them. Which he’s not. So it doesn’t matter. Hasn’t mattered, really, for a long time. He’s not sixteen years old anymore, watching the v fade in, sharp and kind of clumsy, deep black against his skin. He’s not that same kid who was Googling one of those lists that filled in common names to fill out your letters, skimming through them all, breath caught in his throat. Ev is kind of an unusual combination, really – nothing like Adriana’s first two letters, which had come in four days apart, spelling out Ma against her calf, and narrowed absolutely nothing down. Turns out Ev is even rarer when you filter by common names for Eddie’s geographical location. The possibilities used to fill up his head. Eva. Eve. Evelyn. 

(Everett. Evan. Evander. He tried to read those ones and forget them, but they lingered just as much. He shoved them to the back of his brain, where they couldn’t quite see the light of day.) 

But he isn’t that kid anymore. So he forgets about his letters altogether, for a while. Afghanistan is all his brain has room for, these days, and every spare space left over is filled by Chris. His team brings up soulmates on occasion, the usual locker room ribbing, trying to keep things lighthearted. He listens to cheesy romantic stories from those who’ve already found their match, the whining from those who are unlucky in their search. When the questions turn Eddie’s way, he brushes them off, and they mostly let him be. Nobody wants unhappy stories. There are enough of those out here. 

Eddie puts Ev aside. 

Christopher gets diagnosed with CP, Shannon is more and more stressed out every time they manage to speak to each other. He sees men and women die beneath his hands, and he wakes up some days to gunfire, and there’s no room anywhere for the little letters on his skin.

now, because i tend to write a lot of my first drafts by hand in notebooks, i actually have the first verison of this! (and my handwriting actually looks nice in this one, yay <3)

when i first wrote this i don't think i really had any idea where i was going with things, i was just thinking: soulmates, eddie's past with shannon, how does that work? and i just kind of sat down and went for it lol.

a lot of this survived to the final version! but it's missing a lot of connective tissue -- it's a much shorter version of the same passage. also i think it's interesting how in the original version i had eddie refering to his soulmate with she/her pronouns, where in the actual fic he always uses they/them even in his own head. this version of eddie i think always knew that his soulmate would be a guy, but shoved that wayyyy down where he didn't have to think about it. but it's one of those things that you do still know, even if you pretend you don't, so i'm glad i took the she/her pronouns out.

anyways i'm actually surprised how cohesive this original version is! a lot of my notebook first drafts include a lot of crossed out lines and false starts, especially if i don't really know where the story is going.

--

thank you my most beloved, i had wayyyy to much fun with these!!

here are the questions if anyone else wants to hear me ramble about writing <3

[kariachi]

Random quick fic- some proper aftermath for the shit Ben pulled at the start of Store 23.

~~

There were two levels of Serious Mess, Kevin had learned. Gwendolyn pacing back and forth, on the phone with her grandpa, swearing heavily? That was level one. Level two was Argit calling him while this was happening.

“Would you like to know what your buddy’s been up to?” Already bracing himself, he leaned against the nearest wall and shut his eyes.

“Is that why the Tennysons are losing it?”

“He destroyed four Vaxasaurian eggs.” Kevin stopped breathing, eyes blowing wide. “There’s video.”

“Confirmed unedited video?” You had to make sure. Killing Ben over a lie would be on theme for him, but Rabbi Fisher would be very disappointed and Gwendolyn would actually kill him. Argit scoffed.

“Of course confirmed unedited, you think I’d call you over a rumor like this? Besides, it was taken and released by J9‘s third, uh… Haavee! Haavee, and Helen’s confirmed she’s a Ben 10 fangirl and can hardly manage to work Instagram filters. Not exactly the type to have edited a vid to make him look bad. Apparently, the kid’s been in a tizzy since everyone realized what it was he was blowing up at the start of the vid, she didn’t know at the time.” Kevin forced a deep breath to keep the sour rage building in his gut at bay.

“Send me the vid? I need to see this for myself.”

“Sure thing, Ravrsa. Oh, be on the ready for a call from your brother, too, right now he’s busy with the parents but, I’m thinking he’s gonna have things to say.”

He was sure he would.

~~

“Just tell us why you thought that was a good idea. Please, any explanation.” Somewhere between pouting and scowling, Ben looked to the ceiling for strength.

“I had to stop Liam, and they were just eggs!”

Cooper and Manny took a long step back, dragging Gwendolyn with them. The lights flickered erratically as Kevin sparked, not that it mattered since Alan flared up bright enough to light the room better than they had anyway. Helen was actually vibrating, hard enough you could hear the hum.

“Okay,” Pierce said, stepping forward with hands raised, “we do this youngest to oldest- no grumbling, Kev- and nobody fucking kill him, the Jobaris are going to want their fair slice.”

~~

“And to the shock of literally nobody, the Plumbers have suspended Ben for six weeks while they ‘investigate’.” As one, the youths of the Hollow Tone Pack huffed.

“This sorta shit is why our parents quit.”

“Literally.”

~~

“Lucy’s removed every post on her social media that includes Ben and refuses to acknowledge he exists.”

“That’d be because Lenopan lay eggs too.”

~~

“I cannot believe this.” Heaving a sigh, Gwendolyn crossed her arms. She also stayed securely by the doorframe.

“It’s not like I approve, but he’s still my cousin!”

“He still thinks the rest of us are overreacting! About him destroying eggs!” The back of her parents’ couch creaked worryingly under Kevin’s grip. “And you’re going to ‘testify to his character’?!”

“He made a mistake-”

“He killed four unborn children! To stop their kidnapping! How far up your own ass do you have to be to stand up in front of their parents and defend his character!?” Nose crinkling, she drew herself up with a glower.

“Kevin!” He flashed menacing Ossy teeth.

“Love you to pieces, Gwendolyn, but this is a line in the fucking sand.”

~~

“Just- how the fuck am I supposed to trust them? There’s at worst even odds I’ll be laying eggs and here’s Ben pretty much saying they don’t count, and G saying she disagrees but still wants to support him in court- And they’re surprised and upset that I’m pissed off about it!”

“You know, I do know plenty of people who’ll take a bitch out for a decent price.”

“Please, don’t tempt me, Mom, it’s one of those days.”

~~

“Okay, I know you said you never wanted to hear about Tennysons again,” Argit said, draping himself over Kevin’s shoulders as he worked, “but there’s big news.” Rolling his eyes, Kevin sighed. Several months was enough time to start moving forward, but not to lose that sting of sharp betrayal. Not just for the egg thing, but because after ages of them being proud that he was trying to ‘be better’ and ‘be good’ Ben went and pulled that shit and it supposedly made no change to whether he was good.

If Kevin had done that, it’d be seen as a backslide, or proof he was a horrible person. Ben did it and it was a ‘mistake’.

Watching half his fanbase jump ship in response could only soothe so much when the person who mattered hadn’t.

“Let it rip.”

“Benny lost the lawsuit. Four mil settlement.” It was bittersweet news, and hardly a drop in the bucket of the money Ben was going to have some he hit twenty-one and got access to his royalty payments, but Kevin grinned all the same.

“Good.”

[schlurp-schlurp]

!! im completely stealth in certain parts of my life, and while i can say "yes, i have male privilege", it comes with:

1. paranoia. what if someone who knew me before i transitioned or prior to being stealth outs me to people who don't know i'm trans. what if one of my coworkers that loves to instagram-stalk people stumbles across my transphobic family member's accounts, and scrolls far back enough to see pre-transition pics of me. what if that pic i posted of my top surgery results goes viral in TERF communities, and i'm identified by my tattoos. what if i post a selfie on an account where i commented smth about my transition on a post, and a transphobe doxxes me with my face pic, and that goes back to my workplace? what if, what if, what if?

2. being unable to engage in certain conversations about childhood, and important parts of my life.

any conversation about high school is instantly a no-go for me, bc i went to an all girls school - i was the person to come out as trans at that school, and my mom helped campaign for the school uniform to include the option to wear trousers. i mentored a kid who asked me for help on coming out as trans within a week of myself coming out - his mom told him he should talk to me. i helped get the school to change the "girls" toilets to "student" toilets. i fought and fought, and the year that i left there was finally an LGBT+ club set up, with the trans kid i mentored at the front of it. it's a huge part of my life that helped make me the man i am today, and i can't speak of it.

all conversations about my early childhood, dating, bullying, mental health - i have to omit so much, or just remove myself from the conversation as best i can.

"my kid is going through depression.. oh you went through that too? how did you overcome your depression? your insight could help us so much" is an impossible question to answer when the answer is "well, i cold turkeyed all my medication bc it wasn't doing anything to improve my mental health, and i'd had enough. i pursued private healthcare and within a month of starting testosterone, my suicidal ideation left, my insomnia cleared up, and i didn't have to worry about PMDD. it cured a variety of mental health issues and cleared up some physical health issues too"

idk, there's more examples but i don't want to overshare lol.

3. i can't engage with trans communities on identifable social media accounts.

instagram goes "hey mutuals! homosexchad liked: "if youre trans, like this post! signal boost if ur trans! here's information about trans people for trans people"", and i learnt that the hard way when i was 16. it's isolating to have to create completely anonymous and/or separate accounts to engage with positive trans content. and while you can argue i don't need to like or comment to engage in it - how often do you hit like without thinking about it? i tried doing it like that, and i was haunted with thoughts of "oh god, did i accidentally like that post?"

4. having to listen to unfiltered bigotry in my day to day life. bigots think they're safe when there is no one of that minority present.

my coworker casually declared that if her son came out as trans, she would take him to the vet to have him put down. i wasn't involved in the conversation, but i was in the same room, i heard it, and i knew that there was no safe way to inject myself into that conversation without outing myself or coming across poorly and ending up in HR for not allowing people to have violently bigoted ideals.

another coworker reads the news every morning on her work computer. trans people are on her newsfeed reguarly, it's the media's hot topic. she said she'd beat a tranny to death if she ever met one.

a friend in my class telling me that he hopes his date is a "real" woman, that "you can't tell these days!", and that if he found out his date was trans he would kill her.

i walk up to a friend to say hi- they're deep in conversation with someone else. they're discussing how they don't want to share toilets with dirty trannies, and that they with trannies and furries would be forced to use litter boxes outside bathrooms, so everyone can see what they really are.

i fear what would happen if i slip up, if i make a mistake, if they find out i'm trans.

5. gyno issues. accessing gyno care as a woman is difficult - accessing it as a trans man is somehow even more difficult, regardless of whether you're stealth / passing. this is a long one.

when i came out at 14, it gave me more confidence in taking control of my life. i finally called my GP to discuss the crippling pain i felt when i had tried to use tampons, the fact that it was impossible to insert anything vaginally, the fact that my periods were impossibly heavy and came with cramps that caused me to pass out and vomit every month, and what i know now to have been PMDD - i'd been dealing with this since i was 11. the GP told me he suspected i was overexaggerating and making shit up to get him to prescribe me BC to stop my periods. and that was it. he wouldn't prescribe it.

thankfully, i managed to convince the children's GIC services to write to my GP to recommend he prescribe birth control to stop my periods bc of the dysphoria they caused. the children's clinic didn't want to prescribe me puberty blockers since i was "too old for them to do anything at this point". after some back and forth, i was prescribed it, but i was instructed to stop taking it twice a year to have a period bc ?? idk actually.

when i switched GPs at 17, my new GP refused to continue prescribing me birth control when she saw that it was for preventing periods rather than preventing babies. i talked to 2 different GPs at that surgery, neither believed me when i discussed my gyno issues - both came to the conclusion that i was making shit up to get them to indulge in my transitional care, even though all i wanted was birth control. i eventually lied and claimed that i was having vaginal sex - they decided that they were correct, i was just lying, or embarrassed that i enjoyed sex "like a woman", and finally prescribed it.

at 18 they randomly stopped prescribing it to me for no apparent reason, but i was in the process of starting testosterone privately, and i couldn't bring myself to fight any more. my vaginismus cleared up, which i discovered during the increased libido phase of being on T. my periods completely stopped (thank god), and i no longer had the mood swings and shit.

at 19, after moving to a new town, to my first flat, with a new GP surgery - i started experiencing vaginal atrophy. fine, it's better than all that other crap i was experiencing. and it's easy to treat, right?

nope.

the private clinic i was seeing for my T prescription told me i had to go through my GP for treatment for vaginal atrophy.

my GP didn't believe it was atrophy, and demanded that i get a full internal examination. i complied bc i figured they might find smth wrong that would explain all the previous shit, and maybe justify a hysto.

the nurses at the GP who examined me said it was absolutely vaginal atrophy, and that i should be prescribed topical oestrogen to treat it. then they told me that they won't be able to prescribe it until an NHS gender clinic had approved me to start it.

well fuck. i was 19, i'd been privately taking testosterone for a year, and i'd been on the waiting list for the NHS adult's clinic for 3 years at this point.

so i fought that decision, and was told i needed to be referred to the local hospital's gyno department. they got back to me with "we do not see or treat transgender men, you need to speak to the doctor prescribing your HRT" - i fought that decision, and was seen, after 6 months of back and forth with my GP, private doctors, and the hospital.

i got seen, it was confirmed to be atrophy (again), was recommended E, and my GP said no again, and re-referred me to the hospital gyno for an internal biopsy and internal ultrasound without my consent. i got the letter and went "fuck off" and cancelled the appointment. i'm fairly certain they just wanted to surprise and traumatise me. i did end up having a third gyno appointment where i had a standard, external ultrasound, with a wonderful male gyno who was completely chill with my transition. we both bitched about my GP.

welp, after 4 years of waiting, i got seen by the nottingham gender clinic through the NHS. in my appointment, i bought up atrophy - they wrote a letter asking my GP to prescribe T and topical E. my GP said no.

9 months after i was approved for T through the NHS, my GP relented (lots of complaints and communication from myself and Notts), and prescribed me T.

hang on? where's my treatment for vaginal atrophy?

oh, they completely ignored it! great!

back and forth, back and forth............. it's now been a year since my first appointment, and 3 months since my second appointment at the nhs clinic. still no treatment for vaginal atrophy. they've had multiple letters about it, but don't want to. they "don't know how it would effect a trans man", despite having about 3000 letters with detailed information from NHS gender clinicians, and my own pleas and emails with research articles and best practice treatment.

TLDR - i just realised it's 11.30pm and my partner wants me to spoon him. can't write out more examples, but basically: even when we have male privilege, it comes with terms and conditions and so much fucking stress which negatively impacts mental health.

I DONT KNOW WHO NEEDS TO HEAR THIS BUT TRANS MEN ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY AFFORDED THE SAME PRIVILEGES AS CIS MEN JUST BECAUSE WE SAY WE'RE MEN AND I INVITE MORE OF YOU TO GET OFF THE FUCKING INTERNET AND TALK TO TRANS PEOPLE OF VARIED IDENTITIES IRL INSTEAD OF COMING UP WITH THEORIES ON HOW YOU THINK WE ACT

[maxanddogspike]

My life part 3/?

Before reading ; make sure to check the previous parts ^^ The loose connection between me and my siblings got even worse. They even start to drop their bonding with our dad. Knowing it is all my fault, my suicidal thoughts return from being in the background. Always wondering what went wrong, and why everyone has to be in pain due to my issues with my mother.

Months pass on, while we try to survive our lifes. At some point the brother of my father passes and we're all invited to the ceremony. I remember clearly to having to pick up my brother, whilest he's wearing his dirty suite. Stinking of beers and puke, hungover as he'd just came back from a party. In the church whilest the ceremony was ongoing I see my dad break and cry.. Whispering to his kids that "They'd just stop and go love eachother before it's too late".. As it just hit him that his brother passed away.

It did nothing..

Months go by before I get another phonecall, it's my mom telling my her dad might pass away because of a surgery.

I told her "ok" and hung up, the next day she sends me a text that he did pass away as the surgery failed.

As I didn't respond to it ( fyi. He wasn't veeery kind.. see part 1) .

At night I get a phonecall from her, saying once more he passed and all I could answer was " Sorry it wasn't you.". As I was filled with fear and anger.

Quickly after that moment, my siblings broke all contact with me and our dad, the whole side of my moms family started reaching out and trying to get me to visit the ceremony for my grandfather. But I just couldn't nor wanted to go there.

After the ceremony I did receive a card from it, as it's common here to send them to people close to them. I noticed the writing on the envelope and it took me days before I could even gather enough courage to open it..

The following months the interaction slowed and died down again.

Up untill it was the marriage of my sister, suddenly she was there ( well I did know as it was expected). And at the end of the evening I had my brother beg me to go talk to our mom.. With fear and anger in my body, luckily dosed down by the beers. I went to her and she tried to play it all off as if nothing had happened and we were just "long lost mom and son"..

Hoping it would help reconnect me with my sibling and them with our dad.. Only to see that we'd all still act platonic as fudge when we meet.

Around this time I went to lock myself down for anything that could come from my mom, I removed all social media, new address once again, I contiplated about a new phone number but that wouldn't work anyway as she controls my siblings like her spies.

Time went on, and it was quiet.. Well it still is.. But my mind can't stop racing and being alerted by anything that can happen. I surrounded my house with cameras, hidden everything I can just to try to give myself a calm state of mind. But deep down I know it won't be long till something happens.

It's all a matter of time till she starts. And until then I get the pain from knowing and noticing my dad being forced into this. AS they still are platonic towards him, after all those years and nothing but trying to do the best he can.. He still can't just see and enjoy his family overcome this..

Meanwhile I try to continue my life, find people I do want around me.. But the scare of them leaving or scarring me like I have been before, it is weighing down so heavily.

My days up till now are either good days or bad. When the meds work, I have an OK day, till something triggers me and it turns bad.. I believe due to all this, I have my mind as my biggest enemy. The voices in my head just trying to talk me down constantly. I noticed that when I am surrounded by people I care about and care about me the voices slow down. But after a bit my lone-wolf comes back and I'd need time to recharge my social battery.. Till the voices come back.

[whatbigotspost]

Yeah, exactly my point.

Some people (I am talking about in the original post) hear that term and think (ignorantly, but ultimately innocuously) it's about their right to keep their kids "safe," choose what they are exposed to, etc., so that they can have a happy, healthy childhood and become happy healthy adults.

But the MOVEMENT using these terms and talking this talk are white supremacists, hate groups, violent transphobes, Christian nationalists, and fundamentalists hellbent on the full scale removal of queer people from public life and total fascist rule by white Christians.

The parent who isn't paying attention to all of that^ can be unaware of what they're affiliating with if they think that "parent's rights" are important. The most recent real life example I experienced: I was talking w/ a mom who deeply wants to help "protect" her adolescent daughter from dangerous messages that she could be getting through social media...messages of thinness, appearance obsession etc. She was inclined to think that tools which allow her to "monitor" her daughter's social media use are good...that it's her right as her parent to be able to do so in order to mitigate the possible negative affects by talking to her about what she sees. My response was, "Sure, I get that, but I worry about queer kids who need access to affirming support in unsafe homes, or any kid who has a parent like mine where you never know what they will find upsetting if they are surveilling their kid and they will fly off and there WILL inherently be violence that occurs..."

My input blew her mind. It shouldn't have...what I said was not revolutionary, but to her in that moment, it was. She didn't think of this behavior as "surveillance" or control. She can't yet get her brain to that place. To her "parents rights" are ONLY comprehensible through the lens of her first hand worries for her kid and in their relationship. (Which may or may not actually healthy, I don't know, that's not my point.) My point is that she thinks she is a good mom and so therefore she thinks that "parents rights" are good. She has very little in common with hate groups like "Moms for Liberty" but she needs the dots connected for her between those groups and things that fall under the "parents rights" umbrella.

I've realized that a LOT of very reasonable, not fascist people around me are kinda into the "parental rights" gibberish fundies are peddling these days……….on the surface.

By far the most compelling way I've challenged this thinking? Simply saying, "I'm just really concerned for all the kids who have abusive parents like mine..." and I share like 1 careful anecdote about what my childhood was like. I get a lot of "WOW 🤯 yeah, I really hadn't thought about that…" back. I've (not exaggerating) had 7 convos of the past month or so like this and most have thanked me for saying it.

People have all kinds of cognitive biases that affect their perception. To people who think of parents as "inherently good" due to their first hand experiences and/or biases, you quite literally have to point this stuff out to them.

Children's rights are constantly overlooked, dismissed, and ignored. A lot of people want to "have babies" but don't think of it as producing autonomous humans who deserve to be seen that way and not property of their parents. I’ll keep looking for more and more ways to underscore that fact.