#I need to relapse so bad it's not even funny but I'm trying to not do it while previous sessions r still healing and the ones from the-

[mosspapi]

My appointment with my doctor is on Friday but apparently my mother is making us go to ikea on Wednesday. I'm still laying in bed basically all day from last Friday. How does she expect me to go to ikea while I feel like this AND be able to have a coherent conversation with my doctor on Friday. I'm gonna lose it

[hipipi]

.

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 22

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words : 5k

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Monday, November 30; 8:15 AM - School.

Spending a day in the snow is nice. Doing it two days in a row and getting sick, not so much. I caught a nasty flu. Seeing my condition on Friday morning, Bronze outright forbade me from going to class. I was only good for crawling back into bed for the day. I even had to give up my trip back to Barcelona, even though my leave had been approved. I figured there was no point in going home just to stay in bed and spread my germs to everyone. Bronze stayed behind and spent some time with me when I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't even able to talk to her because of my hoarse voice. It wasn't until today that I regained enough of my voice to speak.

I sneeze for the umpteenth time as I make my way to my instructor's office. Since my condition has slightly improved today, I insisted on going back to class. Bronze couldn't forbid me from going, especially with the determination I showed. I didn't want to fall further behind, given I already was. Everything seemed fine, but I never imagined my teacher would turn me away after seeing my state. Well, it's true I look a bit pale, tired, and haven't fully recovered my voice, but I felt capable of working! He finally gave me a chance, but it was short-lived. He forced me to leave after five minutes because I couldn't stop coughing and blowing my nose. Great, right? For once, I was motivated, and they wouldn't let me work. I knock on the office door, which is wide open. The two instructors I'm used to seeing instinctively look up at the sound.

"He sent me away because of my condition," I mumble in a raspy voice.

I sound like a duck. Engen suppresses a laugh. I have trouble understanding what I just said myself. I cross my arms to pull my jacket tighter around me. The classrooms may be heated, but the hallways are a different story.

"No wonder," chuckles Engen. "You look like a zombie!"

"Stop mocking her, Ingrid," Bronze scolds. "I told you it was a bad idea."

I sneeze again and cover my nose with my hand as it starts to run. That was too much for Engen, who bursts out laughing. My supervisor stands up, grabbing her jacket. I thank her when she offers me a tissue. She gave me a pack this morning, but it's already empty. Well, I can only agree with her. It was really a bad idea to try going back to class.

"I'll take her back to her room. I'll be back soon."

"No problem. Get well soon, Ona."

"Thanks."

She escorts me to the dorm. I head to the bathroom to put on some sweatpants and a thicker sweater, and I take the opportunity to wash my hands. Then I dive into my bed. To think I had taken the trouble to make it neatly. Bronze looks at me with amusement. She approaches me and checks my temperature. We both know that if I'm sick, it's because of my recent relapse. My immune system is shot. The pill Bronze gave me this morning must be working because, according to her, I no longer have a fever. I had one over the weekend. I felt like I was going back a few weeks.

"Well, I'm going to Wiegman's to see if I can take you to the doctor. You need proper treatment if you want to get well quickly. I won't be long. Stay put here in the meantime."

"Very funny. Where else would I go?" I grumble.

"With you, one never knows," she smiles. "I'll be back."

I sigh as I watch her leave, then lie down with my back to the door. I pull the blanket up as high as possible and try to fall asleep. I almost succeed before Bronze returns. She orders me to get up. She got Wiegman's permission to see a doctor. It looks like my day in bed is ruined. I'm forced to put my boots and jacket back on. Luckily for me, she doesn't make me wear my uniform. We head out in her car, and I recognize the route to downtown.

"By the way, did you give my wish list to my teacher?" I ask her.

"Yes, on Friday."

I sense some hesitation from her to continue. She eventually refrains, but my curiosity gets the better of me.

"Is there a problem?"

"Actually, yes. I shouldn't be telling you this, but he was surprised by your first choice," she admits. "We ended up talking a bit, and he showed me your grades. Why didn't you tell me they were so bad?"

I regret pushing her to continue. We hit a traffic jam at that moment. The only subjects where I manage to get average grades are literature and languages. I shouldn't normally worry about my last two choices.

"You should have told me. You have failing grades in everything!" she scolds.

"I do not!" I retort. "In literature and languages."

"That's not enough to get you into management!"

I sigh and rest my head against the window. Bronze moves forward with the traffic. Is she trying to make me understand that I have no chance of getting my first choice? That's probably it. I don't have the time or means to catch up. We're nearing the end of the first semester, which means there aren't many assignments left to improve my grades.

"Do you even study at all?"

"The minimum," I admit.

"I managed to get an opportunity for you."

"Oh, really?" I ask uncertainly.

"Yes. But only if you want to and feel motivated to do it."

"What opportunity?"

"You have the chance to retake a test in each subject. The new grades will replace your worst ones. Your teacher also told me that you'll likely have two more tests per subject before the semester ends."

"How am I supposed to do that? There are only three weeks left!"

"That's why I said you need to be motivated. It's a chance for you since they don't have enough grades."

"How did you get this opportunity?" I ask, watching her bite her lip for a moment.

"Don't get mad, but I had to explain your academic situation. If you accept, I want you to come study in my office after your classes starting Wednesday. We have three weeks to turn things around. It's up to you."

"Why are you doing this?" I whisper.

She's going through so much trouble. It's my problem if I don't get accepted into my first choice. It's because of my behavior at the beginning that I'm in this situation. I didn't care about grades or being here. I never tried to catch up since then. The only test I think I did well on was last week's math test.

"I know you care about your choice. Be grateful I'm giving you this chance, once again. It's clearly the only thing that can save you. Even if you get average grades, they'll see you've made an effort, and that will only be positive for you."

"Alright... I don't have much choice anyway."

"Good. I'll tell your teacher then."

The cough that takes over prevents me from replying, so I nod. Damn illness. We arrive at our destination shortly after this conversation. She parks in front of a tall building. I don't know exactly where we are, but it's impressive. I follow Bronze, who seems to know the place. The interior is as vast as the exterior. I spot signs indicating the names of several doctors. We reach the reception where Bronze introduces us. The receptionist directs us to an elevator, noting our presence. Bronze seems to know where we're going because she presses the third-floor button without being told. I keep alternating between sneezing, coughing, and using tissues. I'm slowly losing patience while Bronze mocks me. When we arrive on the floor, we head to a waiting room that's thankfully not too crowded. Bronze makes herself comfortable while I don't even dare take off my jacket. The wait is long. My supervisor is lucky to have games to occupy her while I twiddle my thumbs.

"Is the doctor a man or a woman?"

"A man, why?"

"Will you come with me?" I ask, biting my lower lip.

She frowns and puts down her game. I don't really want to be alone with him, especially since I don't know him. Seeing I won't explain, she shrugs.

"I planned to wait here, but it's fine if you want me to come with you."

"Thank you," I sigh.

"Do you have a problem with doctors?"

"Not really... Do you know him?"

"He's my doctor."

"Oh."

"He's young and cool. You don't have to worry."

She says that to reassure me, but it has the opposite effect. I sigh after sneezing again. Bronze smiles and hands me a tissue, which I accept with thanks.

"You'll come with me, right?"

"Yes, Ona," she rolls her eyes with a smile.

"Don't make fun of me," I grumble.

"Oh no, not at all," she smiles more.

She chuckles softly as I pout. We attract the attention of the other people in the room. It must have been very quiet before we arrived.

"Will you tell me about this problem someday?"

"Maybe once."

For now, I'm not ready to do so. It would reveal a lot about me.

"Here, do you want to play?" she asks, handing me her phone.

"Really?" I ask, surprised.

"Yes, you need to relax. You're way too stressed," she giggles.

I stick out my tongue and take her phone. It's been so long since I last played. I don't find the time to do it anymore. I smile when I see she has a Candy Crush level in progress. I was addicted to this game for a while. I remember this level where she's stuck very well. It took me a month to pass it. I'm playing through all her lives under Bronze's watchful eye. Meanwhile, other patients come and go.

- Oh shit, you did it!!! I’ve been stuck on this level for two months!

I giggle at her childish behavior, which once again draws attention to us. She apologizes for the disturbance before returning to her phone. I’m surprised myself that I passed this level. I guess it was just a stroke of luck. She seems in disbelief as she stares at the screen. We lift our heads when my name is called. I panic slightly when I see the young doctor. Bronze is the first to stand, placing her hand on my shoulder. I force myself to follow them into the office. He recognizes my supervisor, which surprises me. I didn't think she was the type to come here regularly. He asks me to lie on the examination bed in the middle of the room. I do as he asks without taking my eyes off my supervisor. She sits on a chair in front of the doctor’s desk, turning it to watch.

- Is she your sister? the doctor asks Bronze.

- What? Bronze chuckles. Do we look alike?

- No, I was just asking. It’s the first time you’ve come with someone... for the few times you do come.

Bingo, I was right. Bronze laughs softly. I don’t see what’s so funny. The situation is quite exasperating. It’s clear the doctor is interested in Bronze from the way he looks at her. I almost want to tell him he doesn’t stand a chance because she’s a lesbian.

- She’s a student from my workplace.

Bronze is too kind. I wouldn’t have even bothered answering for her. The doctor turns to face me. He gives me one of his best smiles while I barely avoid squinting at him.

- I didn’t know you were teachers.

I snicker as he frowns and begins my examination. He’s not gentle, the bastard. He must be doing it on purpose to get back at me. I look at my supervisor, who smiles at me unexpectedly. I roll my eyes with a slight grimace, which makes her smile wider.

- You’re not a teacher?

My doctor turns back to Bronze. She tries to regain her serious demeanor. I snicker, realizing it’s a lost cause. In reality, I think she’s fully aware that he’s trying to get her attention. I’m surprised she doesn’t shut him down. It’s something that would annoy me if I were in her place.

- No, not really, she replies as seriously as possible.

- And what do you do then?

- I don’t think that interests you.

- Oh, but it does!

- Of course it interests him, Bronze, I say cheerfully.

She silences me with a stern look. The doctor finally asks me to cough. I almost scream in response to his rough movements. What a bastard! It hurts more and more!

- She’s a student in a private school, and the student in front of you is my responsibility, so you better make sure she gets well quickly and in the best conditions.

Bronze uses her famous tone that always gives me chills. I hold back a smile, seeing the doctor swallow hard. I’d almost pity him, knowing how that feels. I didn’t expect Bronze to defend me or even notice how he was examining me. Strangely, since her intervention, he stops hurting me.

- It’s a nasty flu, he announces.

- Thanks, I already figured that out, I roll my eyes.

- Ona, be nice like I taught you, will you? my supervisor scolds me.

I roll my eyes. Well, I deserved that jab, but she could have spared me from looking like a complete idiot.

- It’s okay, don’t worry, the doctor laughs, which makes me want to vomit. I’ll prescribe your treatment. Take it morning, noon, and night with meals for a week.

He lets me pull down my shirt and moves behind his desk. I jump off the bed to sit next to Bronze.

- You’ll see how well you taught me to behave, I whisper, loudly enough though.

She slaps my thigh unexpectedly. A loud noise makes her eyes widen. I groan, holding my thigh. She didn’t miss. She laughs softly, patting my shoulders.

- You okay? she chuckles.

- You’re a brute, I swear! I grumble.

She laughs even more, apologizing this time. I look up at the doctor, who seems surprised by our behavior. At the same time, I’m supposed to be her student. It makes me realize we have an exceptional bond. It’s a bit of a strange relationship, but we appreciate each other a lot. If we had met in a different context, I’m sure we’d be friends in another way.

- You seem very close for her to be your student, the doctor comments.

- Well, let’s just say she’s a special student to me, she replies, ruffling my hair.

- Stop that, I grumble, pulling away from her hand.

I see her smile from the corner of my eye. Her words echo in my head. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s nice to hear. The doctor pulls us out of our bubble by handing me my prescription. Bronze takes it before I can.

- Well, it was a pleasure to see you again.

- Likewise.

I cough exaggeratedly, letting out a small "liar" between coughs. This earns me a disapproving look from Bronze. He might have been credible if she hadn’t been holding back a smile. I hit the nail on the head again. She finally shakes the doctor’s hand, and I do the same right after. The doctor leads us out to open the door. We say goodbye before he goes to get his next patient. I jump when I get a kick in the butt as I head to the elevator. I say nothing until the doors close on us. We both burst out laughing.

- Don’t make a scene like that again, or you’ll see what happens, she scolds, hitting my shoulder.

- Admit it was funny! He was openly flirting with you! He even took it out on me because he was jealous.

I widen my eyes when she shows me a little piece of paper with a phone number written on it. She steps out of the elevator and continues as if nothing happened. I don’t know what shocks me more. The fact that she took the piece of paper or the fact that I didn’t notice. I quickly exit the elevator to catch up with Bronze, who is still laughing.

- Tell me you’re not going to call him? Because I mean, even I can do better than him at that level, right? He’s really annoying, don’t you think?

- Are you kidding? she laughs. I told you I’m only interested in women. I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And you’re right, he’s a bit annoying.

- You’re giving him false hope, which is worse!

- You think?

- Definitely! He expects you to call him now.

She looks at the piece of paper carefully before tearing it up without hesitation. I giggle, understanding what that means.

- Well, it seems I’ll have to change doctors.

I shake my head, amused, as we return to the car. At least I’m sure now that she’s not interested in men. I’m still struggling to get used to the idea. It seems like she has no trouble showing it. Yet, after what just happened, I understand that she doesn’t shout it from the rooftops either.

- I don’t regret asking you to come with me to the office.

- Hmm, don’t get too excited. I expect explanations for this in the near future, remember.

- Or a distant future.

- Near and non-negotiable.

She challenges me with a raised eyebrow. No matter what she wants, we both know I’ll talk when I’m ready. Before heading home, Bronze stops at the pharmacy to get my medication. It looks like her confidence is returning. She left me alone in the car with the keys in the ignition so I could keep the heat and music on. I take the opportunity to observe her dashboard in her absence. I’d love to have the same car someday. Her sudden return surprises me. I blush for being caught red-handed. I quickly reposition myself as she settles back in. She places a full bag on my lap.

- Like my car? she smiles.

- Yeah... I say, my cheeks still red. Bronze, will you let me drive it once?

- Lucy.

- Pardon?

- Call me Lucy. It’s starting to annoy me that you call me by my last name all the time when you know my first name.

- You’re the one who doesn’t want me to call you by your first name, I remind her.

-At school, yes, but outside, I allow you to call me by my first name.

- And like when we’re alone at camp? Like our future evening classes? I ask, making her roll her eyes with an amused smile.

- Your flu should have completely silenced you.

- Hey! I didn’t ask for anything bad.

- No, but you always ask for more. You should be happy I let you call me by my first name outside. Otherwise, it’s too risky. We don’t know who’s around.

I nod, biting my lip. She’s probably right that I keep asking for more. I can understand that she doesn’t want to take risks. We’ve already been interrupted several times without noticing someone else was around.

- Do you have a license? she changes the subject.

- Yeah, but no car. My mom didn’t want to take any risks at the time.

- Understandable.

- Yes, completely, but it makes- Oh shit, you did it!!! I’ve been stuck on this level for two months!

I giggle at her childish behavior, which once again draws attention to us. She apologizes for the disturbance before returning to her phone. I’m surprised myself that I passed this level. I guess it was just a stroke of luck. She seems in disbelief as she stares at the screen. We lift our heads when my name is called. I panic slightly when I see the young doctor. Bronze is the first to stand, placing her hand on my shoulder. I force myself to follow them into the office. He recognizes my supervisor, which surprises me. I didn't think she was the type to come here regularly. He asks me to lie on the examination bed in the middle of the room. I do as he asks without taking my eyes off my supervisor. She sits on a chair in front of the doctor’s desk, turning it to watch.

- Is she your sister? the doctor asks Bronze.

- What? Bronze chuckles. Do we look alike?

- No, I was just asking. It’s the first time you’ve come with someone... for the few times you do come.

Bingo, I was right. Bronze laughs softly. I don’t see what’s so funny. The situation is quite exasperating. It’s clear the doctor is interested in Bronze from the way he looks at her. I almost want to tell him he doesn’t stand a chance because she’s a lesbian.

- She’s a student from my workplace.

Bronze is too kind. I wouldn’t have even bothered answering for her. The doctor turns to face me. He gives me one of his best smiles while I barely avoid squinting at him.

- I didn’t know you were teachers.

I snicker as he frowns and begins my examination. He’s not gentle, the bastard. He must be doing it on purpose to get back at me. I look at my supervisor, who smiles at me unexpectedly. I roll my eyes with a slight grimace, which makes her smile wider.

- You’re not a teacher?

My doctor turns back to Bronze. She tries to regain her serious demeanor. I snicker, realizing it’s a lost cause. In reality, I think she’s fully aware that he’s trying to get her attention. I’m surprised she doesn’t shut him down. It’s something that would annoy me if I were in her place.

- No, not really, she replies as seriously as possible.

- And what do you do then?

- I don’t think that interests you.

- Oh, but it does!

- Of course it interests him, Bronze, I say cheerfully.

She silences me with a stern look. The doctor finally asks me to cough. I almost scream in response to his rough movements. What a bastard! It hurts more and more!

- She’s a student in a private school, and the student in front of you is my responsibility, so you better make sure she gets well quickly and in the best conditions.

Bronze uses her famous tone that always gives me chills. I hold back a smile, seeing the doctor swallow hard. I’d almost pity him, knowing how that feels. I didn’t expect Bronze to defend me or even notice how he was examining me. Strangely, since her intervention, he stops hurting me.

- It’s a nasty flu, he announces.

- Thanks, I already figured that out, I roll my eyes.

- Ona, be nice like I taught you, will you? my supervisor scolds me.

I roll my eyes. Well, I deserved that jab, but she could have spared me from looking like a complete idiot.

- It’s okay, don’t worry, the doctor laughs, which makes me want to vomit. I’ll prescribe your treatment. Take it morning, noon, and night with meals for a week.

He lets me pull down my shirt and moves behind his desk. I jump off the bed to sit next to Bronze.

- You’ll see how well you taught me to behave, I whisper, loudly enough though.

She slaps my thigh unexpectedly. A loud noise makes her eyes widen. I groan, holding my thigh. She didn’t miss. She laughs softly, patting my shoulders.

- You okay? she chuckles.

- You’re a brute, I swear! I grumble.

She laughs even more, apologizing this time. I look up at the doctor, who seems surprised by our behavior. At the same time, I’m supposed to be her student. It makes me realize we have an exceptional bond. It’s a bit of a strange relationship, but we appreciate each other a lot. If we had met in a different context, I’m sure we’d be friends in another way.

- You seem very close for her to be your student, the doctor comments.

- Well, let’s just say she’s a special student to me, she replies, ruffling my hair.

- Stop that, I grumble, pulling away from her hand.

I see her smile from the corner of my eye. Her words echo in my head. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s nice to hear. The doctor pulls us out of our bubble by handing me my prescription. Bronze takes it before I can.

- Well, it was a pleasure to see you again.

- Likewise.

I cough exaggeratedly, letting out a small "liar" between coughs. This earns me a disapproving look from Bronze. He might have been credible if she hadn’t been holding back a smile. I hit the nail on the head again. She finally shakes the doctor’s hand, and I do the same right after. The doctor leads us out to open the door. We say goodbye before he goes to get his next patient. I jump when I get a kick in the butt as I head to the elevator. I say nothing until the doors close on us. We both burst out laughing.

- Don’t make a scene like that again, or you’ll see what happens, she scolds, hitting my shoulder.

- Admit it was funny! He was openly flirting with you! He even took it out on me because he was jealous.

I widen my eyes when she shows me a little piece of paper with a phone number written on it. She steps out of the elevator and continues as if nothing happened. I don’t know what shocks me more. The fact that she took the piece of paper or the fact that I didn’t notice. I quickly exit the elevator to catch up with Bronze, who is still laughing.

- Tell me you’re not going to call him? Because I mean, even I can do better than him at that level, right? He’s really annoying, don’t you think?

- Are you kidding? she laughs. I told you I’m only interested in women. I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. And you’re right, he’s a bit annoying.

- You’re giving him false hope, which is worse!

- You think?

- Definitely! He expects you to call him now.

She looks at the piece of paper carefully before tearing it up without hesitation. I giggle, understanding what that means.

- Well, it seems I’ll have to change doctors.

I shake my head, amused, as we return to the car. At least I’m sure now that she’s not interested in men. I’m still struggling to get used to the idea. It seems like she has no trouble showing it. Yet, after what just happened, I understand that she doesn’t shout it from the rooftops either.

- I don’t regret asking you to come with me to the office.

- Hmm, don’t get too excited. I expect explanations for this in the near future, remember.

- Or a distant future.

- Near and non-negotiable.

She challenges me with a raised eyebrow. No matter what she wants, we both know I’ll talk when I’m ready. Before heading home, Bronze stops at the pharmacy to get my medication. It looks like her confidence is returning. She left me alone in the car with the keys in the ignition so I could keep the heat and music on. I take the opportunity to observe her dashboard in her absence. I’d love to have the same car someday. Her sudden return surprises me. I blush for being caught red-handed. I quickly reposition myself as she settles back in. She places a full bag on my lap.

- Like my car? she smiles.

- Yeah... I say, my cheeks still red. Bronze, will you let me drive it once?

- Lucy.

- Pardon?

- Call me Lucy. It’s starting to annoy me that you call me by my last name all the time when you know my first name.

- You’re the one who doesn’t want me to call you by your first name, I remind her.

- At school, yes, but outside, I allow you to call me by my first name. You don’t hesitate to use “tu” with me, so a first name won’t change much.

- And like when we’re alone at camp? Like our future evening classes? I ask, making her roll her eyes with an amused smile.

- Your flu should have completely silenced you.

- Hey! I didn’t ask for anything bad.

- No, but you always ask for more. You should be happy I let you call me by my first name outside. Otherwise, it’s too risky. We don’t know who’s around.

I nod, biting my lip. She’s probably right that I keep asking for more. I can understand that she doesn’t want to take risks. We’ve already been interrupted several times without noticing someone else was around.

- Do you have a license? she changes the subject.

- Yeah, but no car. My mom didn’t want to take any risks at the time.

- Understandable.

- Yes, completely, but it makes me want to now. I never really got to drive since then. I don’t even know if I can still do it.

- And you’re asking if you can drive my car? she raises an eyebrow.

- You can’t blame me for dreaming of driving an Audi.

She laughs, shaking her head. Once again, I feel like I’m asking for too much. We continue talking for the rest of the trip. I tell her how I learned to drive with my dad. He let me drive in the countryside when I was a teenager, without my mom knowing. Later, I really learned on the roads with my mom. It wasn’t a pleasant time. We always argued. This conversation keeps us occupied for the entire return trip. My cough still doesn’t calm down. I had to clear my throat more than once during our conversation. I feel exhausted now that the excitement has subsided. It’s eleven o'clock when we get back to my room. She goes back to work while I crawl under my blanket after taking off my sweatpants. I’m alone long enough to sleep in my underwear. I fall asleep quickly. Unfortunately, I’m woken up shortly after. It’s Bronze again, standing over my head with a smile.

-Wake up, sleepyhead. I’ve let you sleep long enough.

"What time is it?" I mumbled.

"Past one o'clock."

I sighed deeply after coughing so hard it hurt my chest. I rolled onto my back to see her better. I thought Alexia was going to wake me up, but she must have gone back to class.

"Come on, get out from under there. Let's eat."

I grumbled in discontent. I really didn't want to get out of bed, especially to eat when I wasn't hungry at all. That didn't stop her from throwing my tracksuit right in my face.

"I managed to catch Alexia in the hallways to give you an extra hour, so do me a favor and get up to share your meal with me."

"I'm not hungry," I admitted.

"That's why I asked for some soup to be prepared. You need to eat something with your medication."

I rolled my eyes, which made her smile. I could have done without it, especially the soup. I had eaten enough of it during my detox. I held back a groan, stretched, and then pulled off my blanket to sit at the edge of the bed. She had a victorious smile when I put on my tracksuit. She rummaged through the medicine bag lying on my desk.

"What are you doing?" I asked, dragging my feet toward her.

"I'm checking what you need to take this afternoon."

"Yeah, basically I have to take everything," I said, seeing her pull out the boxes one by one.

"Have you taken any syrup?"

"No, I haven't touched anything."

"Make sure you take some after eating then. It will calm your cough."

"You're not going to manage my medication again, are you?"

"It seems I will, since you can't take them yourself."

I rolled my eyes, sniffing loudly.

"Got a tissue?"

"Yeah. Take this afterward," she said, handing me a nasal spray.

"You're so annoying."

I sighed again but listened to her. She wasn't going to give me the last word on this kind of thing.

"Can I wear my sneakers?"

"We'll make an exception this time."

She took my medicine bag, and we went to the cafeteria, which was empty. Our tray was already prepared by the staff. Bronze must have notified them before fetching me because she thanked them. We sat at her table on the educators' side. She didn't force me to eat anything but the soup, but that was already too much. I slumped over the table.

"Make an effort and eat a bit."

"Um... I won't be able to go out this weekend, right?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"I don't know."

I stirred my spoon in my soup while she prepared all the pills I had to take. There were at least five. I swallowed them without complaint with my glass of water.

"You can go if your leave is approved. Eat your soup; it will get cold," she scolded.

I forced myself to eat a few bites to please her. It felt like my stomach disagreed. I had already lost my appetite, and now that I was sick, it was even worse. I spent more time playing with the soup than putting it in my mouth. Bronze eventually took the spoon from my hand, dipped it into my bowl, and brought it to my mouth. I groaned, understanding her intention to feed me.

"More?"

"It's the only way you'll eat, isn't it?"

"Fine, I'll eat."

I tried to take the spoon back, but she pulled it away.

"Too late. Open your mouth."

I sighed, resigned, and opened my mouth where she placed the spoon. I swallowed everything under her smile.

"Happy?"

"When you've finished everything, yes. Open."

I rolled my eyes, taking another spoonful. I had tried to take the spoon back, but she even smacked my fingers. She finished her dish in the meantime. I finished mine without much enthusiasm. I didn't like her doing this. One, because I was forcing myself to eat, and two, because it made me feel dependent.

"Can I stay here if I don't want to go back?"

"This weekend?"

"Yes..."

"Why wouldn't you want to go back?"

"I want to do my Christmas shopping..."

"Are you trying to tell me something?" she smiled.

"I just want to know if there's a way to go out if I stay here. Well, I still need to recover first..."

"We'll discuss it if you like. Now, open your mouth; you're almost done."

I accepted the end without protest. I slumped over the table right after she took my bowl away. I could have fallen asleep on that table; I was so tired. The flu was draining all my energy. Bronze had to pull me up from my chair.

"Can't you carry me?"

"And what else?"

"You have no pity for the sick," I grumbled.

"Correction, I have no pity for you. Come on, Ona, don't be a child. You'll be back in bed in five minutes."

With this news, I found the motivation to move. I accompanied her to clear the tray, and then we returned to the dormitory. Before letting me lie down, she made me take some syrup to calm my cough and use the nasal spray. Finally, I lay down after all that. I took off my tracksuit again to be more comfortable. I was surprised she stayed by my bed to keep me company.

"Why are you staying? I'm going to fall asleep."

"I know. Just sleep. You need the rest."

I smiled softly, watching her read with my sleepy expression. Her presence reassured me. I was glad she stayed, even though sleep came quickly thanks to my light conscience.

[chunkymamatam]

I'm currently having a Vil obsession...do you perchance have any stories about him/any interactions with him? :') <3

-Reena

Yeah one is a really shitty interaction I had with him (which happens to be literally the first interaction we had lmfao) the rest are chill tho

Now, I’m a big bitch and I start this first interaction off by saying this because context is important and I understand that he genuinely wasn’t trying to be a douche but there’s a reason I’m fat and it’s not cuz I eat too much. Actually most times I struggle to eat at all.

Tw: I’m gonna mention my Eating Disorder and medical issues

Story 1:

I was getting signatures for an interest form about possibly starting a cheer team. I was doing this for a friend and I get to the table with Vil, Rook and Epel(Vil insists that they eat together to keep both Rook and Epel at least somewhat in check lmfao) and I was asking if they’d sign and this mf we looks at me and is like “have you tried the Salads here? They’re good and healthy.” Nah cuz wtf bro 😭 I was flabbergasted bro cuz what???

So I look at him, cuz honestly I expect this from mfers that are that conventionally beautiful, and I’m like “you better shut your fucking mouth before I beat that pretty face of yours black and blue and not that it’s any of your god damn business but I love salads. Ever had a Greek salad?” And he shakes his head “You should try them. They’re good. And healthy”

Then that night Malleus asked about it and I told him that Superstar is lucky he didn’t trigger my ED and he needs to be careful who he talks to like that because it’s gonna make someone relapse and really get hurt. Plus it’s those exact comments that made me feel like it was my fault when I was on medication with the side effects of weight gain and literally took my ability to sweat so what I can physically do is now limited. Malleus did NOT like this. Idk what he did but not long after that Vil approached me before classes and apologized. I relayed what I said to Malleus back to him. He genuinely felt bad and didn’t even think about that which is crazy considering his industry.

On a lighter not I asked to use his sewing machine for the cheer outfits and he said yes. Slight push back on the basis of “wouldn’t Crowley order them”

to which I was like “this man can’t even give me adequate housing” LMFAO

He said yeah after that and was like “only if I have final say on the design.” We’ve been pretty close friends since pfff

Story 2:

When the SDC came around and Ace and Deuce got on the team I panicked when the entirety of Pomefiore tried to beat our asses and broke a vase over someone’s head. Vil yelled at me that “that was expensive” BITCH I AINT APOLOGIZING I WAS BEING MAULED BY A BUNCH OF THEATER KIDS 😭😭😭

Vil was so done with me but like everyone else agreed with me so 💀

Story 3:

There was also this one time I was having a breakdown and he was like “oh sweetheart no. I can’t have you going out looking a mess. Let’s clean you up.” And he took me into the room he was in while staying at Ramshackle and did my hair and makeup. I took a picture and posted it to my Magicam (Cater forced me to make one lol). Tell me why his crazy ass fans identified him by his jawline, shoulders and a pixel of his hair???? This wasn’t even in frame enough that reasonably y’all should’ve been able to identify him 😭

It’s an ongoing joke between us now and we just occasionally post pictures of our legs next to each other, maybe I’ll put one leg over his. It’s really funny cuz I posted pictures of us in our Halloween costumes too and it wasn’t even just with him and they were like “You fat bitch you don’t deserve to date him” Now you can tell me I’m being dumb but that is such a massive leap to conclusions 😭😭😭

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

i feel like the “no more drugs + booze” conviction will last for like one episode, before reuniting with stede and relapsing almost immediately because im pretty sure staying sober while your weird blonde ex follows you around is a trial not even jesus could withstand.

I'm gonna put what I think will happen up here and then I'm gonna put my drug takes under the cut.

To me it kinda seems like the scene where he's smoking weed might happen after the scene where he says no more drugs. Even if I'm wrong there OFMD is a comedy where Jack and Ed can just sorta drink on an empty stomach while they actively have hangovers and be completely fine so I don't imagine that line is the start of a preachy sobriety plot. No more booze probably just means Eds gonna take a break from drinking all day to try to drown his Stede thoughts rather than a total ban, and I do think a relapse could be funny in the context of the show frankly. Stede follows him around like a lost puppy and he's like fuck it. However

Honestly my preference for substance abuse arcs is quitting the drugs until you figure out what was going on in your life that made you want to escape from it with drugs so bad, sorting that shit out and then if you want to easing back into it to see if you can have a healthy relationship with substances when you're actually in a good mental place. I feel like if we had more media like that that twelve step type cults where you have to say that all your successes are the work of God and all your failures are your own fault would have less of a chokehold on the rehab industry and people would be less terrified of drugs and addicts wouldn't feel like one relapse is all their hard work down the drain. I just really think most addiction is caused by shitty life circumstance and not personal failing and it's a capitalist refusal to admit that there's anything wrong with the way we do things that keeps people blaming drugs and addictive personalities for addiction.

I don't think OFMD is the show to tackle that shit obviously it is a pirate rom com already doing heavy lifting on topics like race and class and masculinity. I just really hope it's not gonna be another one of those half baked "hes an alcoholic because his dad was an alcoholic and he can never drink again now or else he'll turn into Mr. Hyde" plots. That type of thing does exist irl but it's way overrepresented in media and I genuinely think that we need to give it a break

[rogueddie]

Omg!!! 21 tattoos!! That's amazing I'm so jealous and so happy for you at the same time. I've also watched waaaay too many tattoo tours but it's just so cool and fun and easy way to obsess over tattoos and I'm happy I'm not the only one doing that. I'm curious, do you have a preferred style? Like, neo-traditional, old school, blackwork, fine-line, realistic, sketch (that's not an official style, I think, that's just what I call tattoos that take on a more drawing-like look because I don't know if it has a name) etc. Or are you someone who doesn't look at styles but just focus on the tattoo you're going to get?

When I got my first tattoo I preferred fine-line and sketch-like styles (That look like drawings) and I didn't really care about or looked into the specific styles, I just picked the tattoo shop from reviews and the way I liked their website was presented. But now, 5 years after my first one I actually really really love old school and neo-traditional (Which is funny because I couldn't stand old school 5 years ago and now I'm in love with it, though I haven't got a tattoo in that style yet)

The leg Hermes staff tattoo you described sounds so cool!

Yes! You can ask about my tattoos. As I said, I only have 4 which is a major bummer. The first one I got is just the word "Hope" written in cursive, nestled in one side of my hip where I cut myself for a period of time. When I turned 18 I'd just come out of a really rough time of my life, a really hard year where I relapsed on self-harm, so when I managed to stop again and I started feeling better, I got the word Hope as my first tattoo because it felt right and as something to hold onto if things went bad again (I'd been thinking about getting a tattoo since I was 16). The word was made too small though so it doesn't really look that nice anymore. But that's okay, I don't need it for the purpose I got it for anymore

I have a gymnastics pose in fine-line on my upper arm. The lines all look like they were drawn in one continuous, never-ending line so there are a lot of swoops. Like a drawing in cursive, if you can describe it like that. Then I have a typewriter on my forearm, which I got made last August. And my latest one, which was made through several sessions throughout september-november-december is a Phoenix half-sleeve. It ends by my elbow where there's a peony (directly on top of my elbow, which was a fun experience). It's absolutely my favourite one. It's big and cool and epic. Made in Japanese style. It's basically an homage to my identity as a trans and nonbinary person. I call him Felix (phelix, if I'm feeling punny). I felt like he ought to have a name since he's a creature. And it's a he/him even though hes a representation of my trans identity and my gender identity is 100% agender (no gender, none whatsoever). I hope to get the half-sleeve into a full sleeve sometime in the future

- tattoo anon 🦇

I think the only preference I really have is for the patchwork sleeve look. I do try to keep things consistent though; my left arm and leg are all traditional/neo-traditional, but my right arm is a little chaotic, less tattoo style and more aesthetic (mostly solid blackwork).

The Hermes staff tatt is definitely a cooler than I can make it sound, it's the best idea I've ever came up with and my artist made it even better. It's based on the version of the myth where Hermes finds two snakes fighting and stops them by putting his staff between them.

Your tattoos sound really cool! Especially the phoenix, that sounds SO good! And the gymnast one too; I know exactly what you mean by a drawing in cursive, they always look beautiful.

[ambreiiigns]

Me again sorry hello, what do you think is gonna happen next if you have any idea? or anything you want to happen? i hope our doubleblack yaoi boys stay thriving

you again omg hiii 🥰🥰 i have. been like. tossing this over in my head all day. very inchresting

so like for sure. i hope at least. we get to see what happens during the 2 hours timeskip and hopefully how it ends. bc i have No Clue at all 0 thoughts 0 ideas abt any of that. but i hope they'll sell me more of akutagawa and atsushi as shin soukoku. like maybe it's just that i have an insane attachment to the originals but i do feel like the show has been a coward abt investing in the kids ? like. i'm not buying it. they don't compare. but the anime will give me three episodes abt 15 dazai & chuuya WHICH I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN ABT IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS but idk like three episodes for them in a season that is so weirdly paced feels like the easy way out in a way ??? like people enjoy those two so you'll give me a lot of those two when you should focus on building the actual main characters to the same level of those two. does this mean anything. i'm under the impression that the manga does a better job w akutagawa and atsushi but alas i will not be reading that so i can only complain. the last time i sort of cared abt akutagawa and atsushi has been back in s2 finale and i would. like more. come on.

but at the same time i also hope they keep focusing on more characters instead of atsushi ANFNSKFKKDG I'M SO SORRY HE'S JUST A BAD MAIN CHARACTER TO ME. I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF CARE ABT HIM me & brother say that bsd peaks when ranpo's the main character and IT'S TRUEEEEEEE LET RANPO TAKE OVER I DON'T EVEN CARE i wanna see more of. anyone else. if we did a 180 and made akutagawa the main character instead i would Not mind at all.

besides all this the like big question and interesting thought abt what happens next is who will be picked by mori to join the port mafia out of the detectives. we know yosano is out of the picture he is not allowed to choose yosano which is So Funny that fukuzawa would only protect her but ?? not his son ranpo ?? not dazai and/or kyouka who have also been under mori's wing ?? it's funny. i'm really interested abt that tho. bc if like mori picks atsushi i kinda hope not it's a bit sort of obvious if the protag gets picked but it could be interesting maybe it'll make him interesting And he gets to soukoku all over the place. And we get fun new interactions like when atsushi and chuuya interact in wan or whatever it's very fun. wan is the silly spin off that i don't super care about except when i do.

but also ranpo ? in a way heart and soul of the detective agency it would be FUNNY if mori was like i wont that. and i KNOW ranpo would be funny in there he's already been working 24/7 with a former criminal enemy Edgar Allan Poe his boyfriend i wanna see what he does in the mafia. does he bring poe w him. would he have beef w chuuya after the s3 book incident. (chuuya's the strongest little guy so remember the cannibalism arc. ranpo locked himself and chuuya in a book to keep chuuya out of business. the book being poe's ability where he can trap you in the books he writes and ranpo's been using poe's ability like it's his own fnsjkfowf) i'm intrigued.

but THEN. what if dazai. that would kill me a little bit. and it'd be interesting. i'm not going to Lie i would Love it if i got double black permanent reunion but ALSO. it Would be. a little excellent if dazai gets pulled back in the mafia and was like... forced to relapse to some extent after trying to flip himself out for oda and then he's forced right back when he started? yk how his bestie oda died and that was the kick dazai needed to get out of the mafia and be a good person. if he goes back would it all be undone. he can either prove he REALLY changed or he's still the same shitty little guy no matter his efforts. would he spiral LMAO. it would slay. but i would also be really sad for him and i don't know if they'd go there

or someone like tanizaki who's a bit irrelevant he's just a little guy it could be an excuse to develop him more ig kenji and kunikida aren't really sparking anything in me and i don't think koyo would allow mori to pick kyouka fjejfjskf man i REALLY HOPE IT'S NOT KYOUKA IT WOULD MAKE ME SO SAD but the possibilities are cool and fun and interesting and i really wanna see That. power move is if mori says he wants fukuzawa and the detective agency is orphanized

and then in general once the 2 hours situation is fixed the only thing that makes sense is follow thru on what the Fans have picked up w the teasing european authors as new characters i think it's our only option. i think we have no other choices and i am ready to see it. they've been talking a lot abt some british girlies and we feel like that might be the next step.

(( in that same vein sort of i hope we Do in fact get stormbringer MOVIE QUESTION MARK !??!?!?! stormbringer being the light novel set when chuuya's 16 in which he finds out more of his insane backstory. there is either rumors or wishful thinking abt stormbringer movy. i would like it as a movy i am TIRED of wasting episodes on flashbacks i want MOVY it feels too long and too much happening to be adapted in episodes AND if it's a movy it can be its own separate thing that the more casual viewer can skip if they so wish. i don't love a movy that's mandatory viewing tbh if i signed up for episodic stuff yk ?? stormbringer is kinda not central to the story you Can do without stormbringer so it'd make sense to be movy. and i find it so fascinating even tho i know so little and maybe i'll read it but it sure would Slay if we got movy there's some bits i really wanna see animated ))

so SO if we get europeans it make sense to make stormbringer there's french people and frankenstein in there yk ????? i'm ready. i wanna see the europeans it'd be fun. and we ran out of other things we got the americans and some russians they need to keep it rolling. i made a joke that they'd introduce italian authors as a second more powerful mafia lead by dante alighieri i can give bsd the copyrights to that

i guess sigma sticks around and maybe he tells us something abt fyodor i'm fucking tired of fyodor the least he can do is tell me his business. and i kinda maybe would like more worldbuilding ? it might be too late in s6 but like. brother said this and i've been thinking. what's up w abilities is there an Origin is there a reason why some people have them and some people don't is there other mythology that is based on abilities like bram and vampires what about the war. there's a cool post explaining why the war works as like a backdrop we don't really get more of and i'm INTO that but maybe something else could come out of it ? do we get to learn more abt other Mysterious Characters. what about the cat man. what even is elise as mori's ability etc. brother also said he'd like to see more 1v1 between characters and see how abilities work w each other ? or other sort of. fusions like shin skk does and i agree ! wanna see how abilities interact. and i am going to Say This i am ready for more chuuya in the main show i am ready for chuuya to be in every episode thank you. i think it's time i think we can handle him now. thank you :)

[lf2mode]

feeling a bit moody tonight so i'm going to bring back my dumb tumblr blogging again...stream of consciousness time :)

for some context, i'm writing this after a year break from work; ive been job hunting again and i have study/interview duties coming up.

before my work break, one of the things i used to frequently get truly deeply sad over was this constant repeating cycle of me not allowing myself to pour infinite hours into just doing what i want, because work and life responsibilities were always looming. obviously, this went away when i took my work break, but before then…

2020 was a year where i started -really- getting back into drawing again, and it was also the year where work ramped up the hardest due to rona. for the next few months, almost on a weekly basis, i would find myself in bed brimming with inspiration yet also mentally stomping it out as hard as i could because standup was at 10 am and i really needed to hit work deadlines, so i really ~really~ needed to fight myself to sleep and not do my "draw until 7 am" thing again or else i would be in deep shit. i got better at this process over time, but every once in a while i would relapse (aka draw into the morning) and suffer work-wise, and it did get to the point where my managers would be concerned over my work performance. consequently i felt more trapped by my life circumstances than i have ever felt…this is coming from someone who is always feeling trapped and fighting for my own freedom, and somehow i fought my way into the deepest corner i could find on the map. every time i relapsed on "doing what i want" would lead to work consequences, and every time i didn't i would wake up the next morning deeply depressed at the mental ashes that represented my inspiration from the previous night. go figure that this work break felt like the best fucking thing i've ever felt in my life after years of self-denial.

anyway, now that i'm job hunting again, i am finding myself back in this cycle of forcing myself to stop again. funny thing is that i stopped myself from drawing and tried to go to bed, but here i am just writing until 3 am instead.

anyway, i've realized something about this that i think is a good thing.

while i am sad to find myself walking into this corner again, i also realize now that having competing priorities is one of the greatest motivators for me to do literally anything else beside the thing that i "should" be doing. so, even if i have to force myself to take breaks for the sake of my "real" resposibilities, ~at least~ i'm trying to work on what i want as much as i can in the slivers of time i can find. somehow, when i frame it this way, i don't feel like i'm stomping out inspiration. i'm relieved that, when i consciously look at what is happening, it's really not as bad as it feels.

side note…recently, i did allow myself to just work on one thing whenever i wanted to AND for however long i felt like at a time without feeling bad about it (can't post yet but probably soon) and i'm so happy that i did. i'm also thankful that i'm still job hunting since i can take intermittent breaks like this, though i know they won't be long.

anyway, that was the main thing i wanted to write about, but there are two more big things i wanted to dig into a bit…

one: in hindsight, i think my old tendency to "stomp out inspiration" or "feel bad about doing something for myself for too long" has stifled my ability to achieve anything long term. this isn't even just in the realm of "work" or "productivity" but actually goes even into things like "leisure" because wow i am still unable to get myself to just watch a movie or show. the medium of enjoyment i allow myself must be short-form so as to maintain the illusion of being able to stop at a finer granularity, unless it's in audio form only because then i can listen while doing other stuff at the same time.

anyway, i think this tendency of mine is connected to my tendency to stop myself from doing anything for too long for most of my life…and i believe this work break was instrumental in my realizing this. hell, i can even go further - growing up, my mom would never let me do anything for longer than an hour unless it was productive. the only way i would be able to enjoy things for longer than an hour at a time was if i snuck onto a computer after sleeping hours until 3 am and cross my fingers that my mom was asleep. ok...when i put it this way, i think it all makes a little too much sense.

two: one might look at the entire problem that i'm having and wonder "why not just turn what you enjoy into your work?" and to that i say: i have zero faith that the world will support me adequately for simply doing what i want to do. some people are able to have this belief and that's great. i don't. i'm also very sensitive to others' expectations, and i think the fastest way to dooming my hobbies is to tie it to my livelihood. however, maybe i should actually give it a shot instead of just saying that, because maybe it will feel fine and i will have a good time. maybe the world would want to support me adequately for doing what i want to do, but honestly…that's gonna have to wait for another work break.

not to harp on the same thing, but this just reminds me how i gave a whole presentation to my mom when i was 14 about how i wanted to become an animator and presented her with stats on salaries and job prospects, and i'm pretty sure that night ended with her yelling me into tears. again, makes a little too much sense how i feel about things based on just my upbringing.

ok last thing now that i'm looking back at what i wrote. i'm gonna be really obnoxious and quote my own tweet from a private account...

people attribute a very high proportion of mental health symptoms to childhood trauma, and i used to think it was very cheesy to pigeonhole so much of what drives mental health, but over time i've come to accept that the proportion of symptoms caused by trauma is just really huge

last last thing for real. i don't hold ill will toward my mom. i think she did her best and we just have to deal with what cards we were handed. all things considered, despite what i've said, my circumstances are pretty good. i bring it all up for the sake of understanding myself, not for the sake of placing blame or whatever.

cool. i think i got all of my thoughts out. gngn

[mosspapi]

I'm so done with everything

[paper-teeth]

8-7-23

Jobs, relationships, adulthood

I’ve been off my last project for two months now and it’s looking like I have no option but to go back. My new project never kicked off and I don’t have many immediate options elsewhere. Starting to feel like charlotte from pride and prejudice:

I'm [twenty-four] years old, I've no money (potentially, I could lose my job) and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents and I'm frightened

Just the thought of going back to that stressful position is overwhelming and I’ve relapsed into some not-so-great behaviors. Unless I get picked up by someone else I’ll be stuck here for a year doing tasks I hate.

Trying to stay positive but absolutely losing my mind.

Pros and Cons of my current situationship:

Pros -

He’s gorgeous, kind, emotionally stable, and I’m obsessed with his personality (the great sex is a plus obviously)

Cons -

He said he’s not looking to jump into a serious relationship (hence the situationship) and he barely elaborates on his personal life. I don’t mean to pry but we’ve been on like, 7 dates at this point? I don’t need a trauma dump but maybe a funny childhood story would’ve come up?

I’m not that concerned about not being official, it’s only been like a month and a half. I wasn’t looking for anything past a night out with him to begin with, he’s just been nice to hang out with. I’m just thrown off by how little he talks about himself… I don’t think I’m the other woman but what is he hiding? A childhood in a cult? An abusive household? Family illness? Or is it just a bad breakup?

I also unintentionally went on a date with an ex classmate thinking it was just a hangout (it was obviously a date). Now I never want to be seen at an event with him ever again. Nothing happened, we just got coffee and talked, but thinking back on it makes me uncomfortable. He’s intense, let’s his intrusive thoughts spill out, and has probably said some not so great things that align with his conservative views. I’d like to keep him at an acquaintance distance, not any closer.

Moving out:

I was hoping to get picked up by my dream project because their office is an hour and a half away, meaning I’d probably move. This was my best excuse at getting out of my parents house without it being a silly waste of money. Why would I move out for a remote position or even just a 30 minute drive? For a while I wanted to move to another city just to get a different environment. I‘ve grown to love my hometown and the people in my local office, but that itch to get out is still strong. Maybe if I go back to my old project I can move to another city for 6 months?

XOXO

losing myself in adulthood

[dzpenumbra]

2/25/23

8. Fucking. Hours.

8 hours of screaming into the void. Why? Because I didn't drive my car enough over the pandemic. Because I relapsed into becoming a shut-in. And wasn't able to pull myself out of it. And my car suffered permanent damage because of it.

Just a simple car inspection, on my way to moving up north. Just another thing to check off the list. And they needed to "order a part" and set me up with a rental car "in the meantime". This was in mid-November. I don't even want to think about how expensive this is. And that price... that bill... that gets put on my shoulders. It's not the dealership that fucked over my family, that knew that I was moving, who I explicitly told that I was moving... I am the money drain. It's my fault.

So... I come to terms with going through the adjustments of not having a vehicle of my own, which hasn't been a thing since I was... 18? 17? So like... almost 20 years? I've never lived anywhere that has public transit without a car. This life is alien to me. But I'm willing to learn. I get told that's "dangerous", and "you don't have to do that, we're going to lease you a car." When I try to exercise some agency in what vehicle I will be acquiring, I am told that my preferences can be vetoed because "they're paying for it", and that I'm "spoiled". Here's the kicker, my preferences? I was trying to find an older used car. A cheaper one. I thought it would be easier to find. And the state is giving people pretty big credits for buying electric cars. Like... the majority of the changes I've been trying to make... are to save money. And increase the odds of acquiring a vehicle sooner. And I get suspected of being... greedy. Of taking advantage of the situation. It's fucking disgusting. It's so upsetting.

That was just the first few hours. We did a nice tour of my career again. Funny how that all keeps coming up, like I have to keep explaining exactly what purpose a creative person has in society. The word my mom keeps using is "value", what "value I'm creating for society". Thanks. Way to say the shit I make isn't "valuable enough". I don't "create enough value" for other people, definitely not that people don't appreciate and value me. Fucking backwards as shit. Good lord. It's so frustrating because she's clearly seeing the problem, but just translating it all backwards. Like "oh, I see people are treating you like shit and not appreciating the hard work you put in and talent you have, the obvious answer to this problem is that you have work harder and do better!" Fuck off. And that nasty voice in the back of my head is dancing around and clapping and yelling, "yes! Yes! See?! I told you! You're lazy! You're a talentless hack! You're a fake! Just fucking quit already!"

She broke me several times. The strain of it all. The wear of it all. I swear. The only thing that breaks her out of this shit when she gets locked in is me sounding authentically terrified or genuinely crying. Both of which happened several times today. It is deeply upsetting that it needs to get to that point, I need to feel so much pain or fear that I'm audibly incapacitated for her to stop. But hey, to her credit, at least she stops then. My dad and younger brother never have.

The whole situation still baffles me. It's like I keep forgetting that this is what my family is. And getting surprised when it goes wrong over and over. What do they call that... what did that therapist say a few years back... um.... Stockholm Syndrome, that's it. Yay.

And, as I said last night, if it weren't for the fact that I'd have to walk home alone in the dark 3 miles from the bus station in the snow as an alternative to this... Well... now that I'm thinking of it? Honestly, 3 miles isn't that bad. I mean, it sucks. It's rough. But I've done worse. The dark is not ideal, that part is the worst part, and it's really not optional, the busses only run at set times. But I can definitely do 3 miles in one day. I'm just not sure the industrial district of a city is a great place to be walking alone at night. I'm scared of that. I have PTSD. I get a bit unnerved just walking down my hallway sometimes.

It's a "rock and a hard place" situation. And my entire day was devoted to it. And it's just. Fuck man.

What the fuck happened to the happy times? I have no idea if the world outside of my horribly depressed/depressing family is even... celebrating shit anymore. It's like all it is is bitching and being afraid and predicting how everything is going to go wrong and trying to prevent that at any cost. No looking forward to things. No planning fun events. No excitement. No "I'm proud of you". Everything is doomsday all the fucking time. And it's just grown and grown over the decades, super slowly, so slowly that no one noticed.

And I just... I broke free of it like... 4-5 years ago. And my shitty toxic relationship too. The only "real" relationship I've ever been in. And I found myself. I found my childlike love of the world again. I found the beauty in sunsets and misty morning fog rising off my old pond. I found the bliss of walking barefoot on stony river shores with my dog, splashing and playing and searching for cool rocks to turn into jewelry or polish or carve. I found things that I loved and looked forward to again. I invited everyone I knew to this new life, including people from past lives, people I hadn't talked to in years. And they all... came down on me like I was "sick". Like "who the fuck are you? You changed. I'm concerned." And I said, "yeah, no shit I changed, I was a depressed sack of shit who hated the world and never left my house. Now I love the world and love life and want nothing more than to explore it and learn new things and love and play. Of course I changed." But they meant... "you changed."

I hate reliving this. I don't want to anymore. It's so damn depressing. I couldn't even get my mom excited to see her grandson today. I was trying to get her to give me a ride back to my home city, because she lives in the town where I need to drop off the car. And my theory was that she could come up and visit my brother and her grandson as that's happening. And she just... barely even gave it thought. She just went, "yeah, I could give you a ride, then sleep in your comfy chair thing, then head back the next day, sound good?" And I'm like... "um... are you really thinking this through before you offer it?" And, guess what? Another damn fight over that. I still would phrase it the same way. Seriously. She has two german shepherds. She's not going to like... try to get a dogsitter lined up first? She can't park in my parking lot... I have no idea where she would park overnight in the city. Just... didn't think about that. Is she prepared to spend the night in a beanbag chair? In someone else's house? In an apartment building? Does she think maybe that might be a bit... forward? To invite herself over like that? I don't think it's going to be all fun and games, but honestly, it's at very least worth discussing. And she just outright refused to discuss it in detail, just wanted a yes - or no, but... she wanted a "yes, thank you, you're the best."

Fuck me I'm exhausted.

I somehow managed to convey to her that I haven't even had enough time to figure out how I'm going to call the vet back to thank her for being so kind about my cat's death. And I think that hit her pretty hard, and I think it broke through whatever bullshit filter she put up. My tears pouring down my face surely sealed the deal. And she started to get it. She said something like... "wow, you've really been put through the wringer this year." And I said, "I just want a break, and some peace, that's all. I just want these problems to go away."

The car/transportation issue is the last big one; for a while, at least. It would help so much for me in getting out into the world and socializing again to have mobility... but I'm not dependent on it currently. I'll find a way. I'll adapt. I always do. But, at very least, I need to get rid of that god forsaken rental car. As soon. As fucking. Possible. It's a nice car, but it's an illusion of safety, an illusion of security. I can feel it in my bones. The first week of living in my apartment, I realized that my deadbolt wasn't actually latching... I was just sleeping with the door unlocked, when I thought it was locked. The rental car feels eerily similar to that.

My family is in a tremendous amount of pain, and they don't deal with it in the healthiest ways possible, but they do not deserve to be taken advantage of by some car dealership trying to cash out before big internet car delivery companies put them out of business. It's disgusting. Like... I'm seriously going to write up my experience as a review for this place. You fuckers know how much I love to write... XD

That was my entire day. Yoga, a "calm flow". Worked for a bit. Added a new pose to my dictionary. Then right into the phone call. After the call, around 10PM... made dinner. Refried beans and cheesy rice (with habanero ghost pepper jack cheese), avocado, fresh tomato and a cheese and green onion quesadilla. Very glad I decided to cook, it was very worth it. Topped it off with a little Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra, which was my favorite of the limited ice creams they had at my old grocery store where I grew up, second on the list was Strawberry Cheesecake. Watched MOONMOON play Hitman, which... I have mixed associations with. It was what I was watching on my last night with my cat. Which is bittersweet. Then I played a tiny bit of Noita and here I am.

I think I want to take some time to play or make some music tomorrow. To try to heal. I am... I feel like my will was really close to broken today. Like... I shouldn't have to cry for a fight to stop. I shouldn't be in a state of abject horror to the point where my mouth is trembling and that thing happens where you like... your chest gets really tight and compressed and you can barely get the breath out of your lungs to speak? Like it turns into a whisper and it's like you're really winded and gasping for breath or something? That thing? I get that in dreams sometimes. That happened today. It was fucked up.

But hey, check this out. I've been through all of this shit. Both of my girls dying. Moving. Alone. Being scammed by a car dealership. Constant fights. Pressured to quitting my life's purpose on a near-daily basis. And somehow, someway... after 18 years of it being my only coping mechanism... I'm still not smoking cigarettes. And I could buy them fucking anywhere. I am still not smoking cigarettes.

Is that a good thing?

I don't even know anymore. XD

I'm going to go to bed. Silver lining? The good in this all? I'll be honest, I'm struggling to see it. Maybe she'll remember who I am this time. Maybe she'll remember who she's talking to and what I'm dealing with, and remember that I'm not a spoiled brat teenager who wants a sports car or some shit. I'm a deeply traumatized 36 year old who is really struggling to function in society that is not built for him, who took on one of the hardest careers in a consumerist society, who is actively grieving the very recent loss of a very close loved one. And I just... I don't want any trouble, man. I just want to make cool pretty things, and write poetry and long-rambling stream-of-consciousness books like Jack Kerouac, and make powerful music, and tell meaningful stories, and share life-changing insights I've found in my journeys. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be popular, I don't want to take more than I need, I don't even want to ask. I just want to make cool shit and not bother anyone, and hopefully help others see how beautiful this life is, they way I do. To use my passion, and express my passion, in order to spark passion in others. In a world doused with the jaded, the uninterested, the doomscrollers who just hunger and hunger for more and more, faster and faster. My older brother watches youtube on 3x speed now... Like that. More. Faster. Now. Hungry. The zombie apocalypse. And in that world, I really hope I can play the role of someone who says, "holy shit, did you see that bird, that's absolutely incredible! Did you know they can hold their breath for 5 minutes underwater?! Like... not only can that bird fucking swim... but it can stay down there for longer than the length of a standard pop song." And hopefully someone will value that. (callback, zing)

So, I guess the silver lining... after everything I've been enduring... I can still see the point in sanding pieces of stone until they have a mirror shine. Making precious objects out of things people piss on. I can still see the point, and the value. It is deep in my heart, it's a "duh" kind of understanding. That is a miracle. And my work on this piece continues tomorrow. :)

[noosesurroundsme]

I hate feeling like this. Irritated everyday. I'm just an angry bitch. Hormonal angry bitch. It's frustrating. Even if everyone knew how I felt and what he did to me, I'm still just the angry bitch. Men are the fucking same.

Somehow I'm the one feeling bad. Yesterday someone from another store came in and kept bothering me about how I looked like something was wrong and kept pushing my buttons so to be funny I scratched my nose with my middle finger. I hate when people keep asking what's wrong and you tell them nothing, and they keep pushing to the point it becomes frustrating. I don't like airing my feelings to people so to get him off my case I did the middle finger thing and he knows me we'll enough that I'm sarcastic and he still took it personally. "Well someone's cranky today." "Tori seem cranky today too you?" The coworker who had no business saying we're doing just fine, said I seemed fine with him. No fucking place to say anything about how I may or may not feel, especially with him.

It's so irritating and infuriating every day to have to act like I'm fine so nothing happens. I am constantly caught between my blood boiling and wanting to call him out for what he did to me but knowing that won't solve anything because all the guys will see it as my fault, and wanting to go to the bathroom to cry and cut. It's draining. I'm exhausted. I'm so sick of feeling how I feel. No one understands it. He certainly doesn't. He doesn't understand why I would be angry with him at work, so I yelled, "you don't understand? You are the one who touched me at work without even asking me how I felt. I have to live with that." He texted me after work saying he's not mad at me. He had no idea that it still bothered me. He thought we moved past it. HE THOUGHT ALL WAS FINE. FINE. ITS ALL FINE. I want to know how he can be so oblivious. Is this gaslighting? Because that's how I feel. I have been biting my tongue for months. Trying to avoid him. Talking to him the least amount possible. How CAN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU THOUGHT WE MOVED PAST IT WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE WHO ASSULTED ME IN THE WORKPLACE. YOUR OPINION OF HOW I FELT SHOULD BE IN QUESTION BECAUSE YOH THOUGHT MY PLATONIC FEELINGS AND MY ASEXUAL SELF HAD ANY FEELINGS FOR YOU. You didn't even bother to ask me. You started feeling under my bra. You started feeling under my underwear. You put your hands under my MANY LAYERS. I am simply trying to work with you because I care too much about my bosses sanity over my own. I'm the one not eating. Every day I have to deal with it. I am trying so hard to let it go but I am becoming more bitter, more angry, more depressed, more anxious. I RELAPSED ON OVER A YEAR OF NOT CUTTING BECAUSE KF YOU. The one victory I had made got taken away. Everyone at work gets to call me names because to them I'm just a hormonal angry bitch who needs to be fired. I am losing my sanity. I'm losing the respect of everyone around me. My mental health is in the toilet. I can't even get out of bed anymore. But we've moved past it.

I'm just sick of it. My friend told me last night when she stopped by to stop minimizing how I feel. I can't. Why do I feel so guilty for just existing in my workplace or in any space. I just want to live my life but I feel like a magnet to shitty people who take advantage of me. I put up so many walls to keep myself from being hurt by people and being vulnerable but somehow they still find a way to take advantage of my presence. This is why I don't like people. This is why I don't have friends. I have to wall off my entire life into my room, my Camaro, this fucking hellsite. I can't trust anyone. Do little and go nowhere to have any kind of fun time because I'm too afraid something will happen to me. I can't even go to work. I can't go to the bank since last year without checking my mirrors, turning the music off, and locking my doors at the ATM. I don't enjoy any activity where there are people. I don't go shopping even though I need clothes and makeup refills because I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I haven't had a good femme day in such a long time. I would give anything to be able to have a good day where I can put some makeup on, wear a cute outfit and bum around shopping but I don't allow myself to do any of it unless someone is with me. I can't keep living like this. I'm so fucking exhausted.

[noddytheornithopod]

So overall, I liked it. It did take a bit for me to warm up to cuz it definitely had a lot of kids movie cliches, so there were many moments that felt very try hard with humour (some to the point it kinda messed with the tone for me). I also struggled to like Nimona at first because they tried to play up her wackiness and edginess so much, it got kind of annoying. That being said, the fact that they really made me feel for her by the end honestly makes this film even more impressive.

When the movie works and isn't trying to be overly funny and hip with the kids, it really works. Some stuff feels cliche, but other things are stuff I'd have never expected to see in a movie for kids in a while. I mean, has a Dreamworks movie discussed suicide? Not to mention even with a big bad they made a point that society as a whole needed to change and you can't just kill one religious zealot (honestly, bold move to have the villain basically be a nun type figure, I see why Disney chickened out lol).

Also nice the characters aren't completely perfect, especially Ballister, who literally relapses the moment there's a chance to make everything make sense the way it used to again (probably best character in the movie, liked his BF too tho, also yay kiss, Disney be chickens).

I guess if there's one thing I wished for story-wise it would be a bit more worldbuilding, at least for the "outside" world. I wonder if the source material goes more into that, like is Nimona the only fantastical being or are there more? Who lives outside the kingdom?

So if you get past some of the cliche try hard attempts at comedy and being cool with the kids, it's pretty solid! Like I said, your movie has to be worth something if I go from finding one of your main characters insufferable to then really hoping they don't die at the end.

(Also some of this might just be a me thing, I'm not really a fan of super boisterous main characters that feel tailored to child mischief. But again: it made me sad for her DESPITE my own personal misgivings.)

Anyway, to finish this off, fuck Disney for being a bunch of cowards. It's great Annapurna was able to pick up where Blue Sky left off. You deserve to have more than Steamboat Willie be public domain you stupid mouse.

Also: with Palestine being on the mind a lot, I couldn't help but see the kingdom reflect Israeli society in a lot of ways. Nimona is obviously a queer story first and foremost, but seeing a society full of historical revisionism and run on constant paranoia felt very real.

hashtag nimona is intifada

alright before my netflix runs out gonna watch nimona

[awakeshedreams]

sugar and spice ( 1 )

pairing : resident bad boy!jjk x model student!reader

setting : highschool!au x stepbrother!au

summary :

a messy highschool!au x stepbrother!au where model student reader who has quite a few dirty little secrets sees her world take an unexpected turn when her mother comes home one day with an engagement announcement, to the father of none other than the school's resident bad boy.... Jeon Jungkook.

genre : smut, for laughs, kinda pornish, slow burn with collosaly overwhelming sexual tension

rating: soft m ( for now ) due to adult content

warnings : unconventional relationship of sexual nature, tropes and clichès, teenagers partaking in porn-esque activities, made up things with made up people happening in a made up world, don't like don't read XD

wordcount : 2.3K

a/n : i've been fighting in a long standing war and I have lost. the man known as jeon jungkook had his foot on my neck for years and today, I have finally submitted to my fate and surrendered to his reign.

yes. after a hundred years, i'm writing again. specifically, writing for bts. particularly, writing for jungkook. its been a long time coming.

life just took over and I transitioned into an adult and kind of grew out of the state of mind I was in before. but. sigh. jeon jungkook has been tormenting me the whole time. it was only a matter of time before i relapsed honestly.

so here I am again. in mind, body and spirit, a different person from who I was before but still the same in the sense that with the way bts have my whole heart, jk will always be the demon in the corner of my room that I invite to bed for a cuddle even though it's (probably really) not good for me.

do not misconstrue. I love him more than I can say. but. sigh. he has me in a chokehold, loves. please try to understand where I'm coming from.

anyways, enough with this ranting. you all came here for the nitty gritty so let me not hold you hostage with my dilemma rambling any longer. here's to the first bts fic i've posted in literal years. introducing- sugar and spice.

1 2

Unless they told someone, no one would have been able to guess it.

At school they were complete strangers.

She was the nice head girl with a clean record, all smiles and straight A’s. He was the mysterious bad boy with a track record, all tatted up with bruised knuckles.

She wore plaid skirts with neat pleads in them and pastel sweaters with bows at the collar. He wore jeans with rips in them and leather jackets with studs.

They couldn't have been any more different.

As far as anyone was concerned, they existed on two extreme ends of a vast spectrum.

What they didn't know was that they shared a dirty little secret.

.

You were a girl with many dirty secrets.

For instance, you used to sell nudes online. It was a side hustle you did.

Not because you needed money.

Your mom was a renowned doctor so there was more than enough of that in your life.

Not because you needed validation from people online either.

Even without the constant compliments and the praises you knew you were visually blessed with a pretty face and a nice body too.

All things considered, you simply thought you had a nice pair of tits and you took pictures of them sometimes.

Posting the shots you snapped online came much later when you heard about this website where people were getting paid crazy money for posting racy things.

‘It’s just so degrading…’ It was one of your friends, June, who sneered, pretty nose scrunched up. She fixed her long ponytail and rolled her brown eyes while looking in the mirror at her locker. ‘Who would do such a thing, am I right?’

She said this, but June was the girl who has slept with more boys than she could count on her two hands. And those were the ones she told you about.

Like every other time, you said nothing. Even when it carried on to lunch with the rest.

‘Pretty desperate if you ask me.’ Mei the stellar track runner shrugged casually as she stretched her limbs like routine.

‘Where are their parents?’ Nina the library nerd shook her head in disapproval as she fixed her glasses so it sat right on the bridge of her nose.

‘Um… I don’t think it’s … appropriate… to talk about ….’ Kiko the one who always carried a cross and bible around mumbled into her sleeve.

All your friends spoke of it in derision and repulsion of course. This was a school for proper children so they were proper girls. At least they were supposed to be.

Regardless the conversation sparked a curiosity in you.

So you made an account and uploaded your first picture. Nothing bizarre. Just your tits in a pretty lace bra.

You made sure to keep your face out of the frame because that was the smart thing to do and you were nothing if not the smartest student in school.

In all honesty, you weren’t expecting anything out of it. In fact, in between work with student council and tutoring your juniors with finals right around the corner, you even forgot about it for an entire month.

It was by a complete whim that you decided to open the app while you’d been unwinding at your desk following a tedious day at school.

To say you were amused by the response you found waiting for you would have be a grave understatement.

You were staring at the four figure digit that now sat in your bank account.

Reading through the comment section was even more interesting.

There were all sorts of people there who had all sorts of things to say. Ranging from honestly sweet to downright dirty.

You had never been brought to tears laughing in her life before until then.

It was just so funny to see people misbehave and lose their minds over a pair of tits.

From then on it just sort of became a thing.

.

But that wasn't the worse of your secrets.

You were making a name for yourself on the crude web months later.

The next step was naturally to move from making taking pictures to making videos. Since you was already in too deep you didn’t see why not.

So you upgraded and opened another account. An amateur one where your touched yourself for an audience.

You were no prude.

You might have never been touched by a boy before but you had touched yourself plenty times. Stress and frustration came hand in hand with being head girl. Since you couldn’t quite vent it out at the annoying troublemakers at school, this was your second best option.

Third was watching porn, but that was mostly when you were extremely bored.

But that wasn’t where that little endeavor ended.

Later on it became a lot more risqué.

.

It all started when your mom hit you with a marriage announcement.

She met a guy on her business trip who she really liked and she was convinced he was the one.

Your mom had a tragic history of being a bad judge of character.

You’ve had this conversation at least five times since you became old enough to understand that boys and girls who were just friends didn’t kiss and sleep with each other.

Most times, it felt like she was doing it because she thought you needed a dad around.

You might have once, when you were younger and your mom was too busy with work to be there. But she worked from home these days and you were soo busy with school to worry about things like that.

This time it was like she was doing it for her. You were glad.

Your mom looked genuinely happy when she spoke about this guy.

Who were you to get in the way?

.

She spent almost the whole weekend in the kitchen. It was the longest you’ve seen her in there in your entire life.

She was excited for the dinner on Sunday.

Mr Jeon was the name of the chosen man.

He was coming over with his kid. A son, his only family. His wife passed away years ago.

You wore the dress your mom picked out for you, something cream in color and off the shoulders that brushed your knees. She looked pretty in her champagne dress. It was different from the office slacks and loose blouses you were used to seeing her in.

You stood by her at the door while the guests came through.

Lifting your head from a polite bow, you found herself staring straight into an achingly familiar pair of glinting dark eyes and went completely still.

‘Sweetie,' Your mother said sounding delighted, a soft hand on your stiff shoulder. 'This is Mr Jeon and his son Jungkook.’

Ah. Fuck.

‘Jeon dear, this is my daughter. Isn’t she lovely?’

.

Dinner was a mild affair, with small talk and the occasional clinking of cutlery on fine china.

From the outside looking in, you probably looked the picture perfect family already.

Only if no-one looked close enough.

Arms crossed, tongue in cheek. Your discomfort could be detected from miles away.

The two adults were oblivious.

The dark eyed boy with the slightest wave to his nape touching, brow grazing, ear covering onyx hair sat across you though; he took note of this with a passing glance and wordlessly returned to his food.

Jeon Jungkook had a countenance that betrayed his reputation.

Even though you’ve never talked, you knew plenty about him and you were sure he knew a lot about you too.

You went to the same school.

Dressed as he was in a crisp white dress shirt buttoned at the wrist and dark tailored pants with a fine belt on, it might have been hard to tell what kind of person he really was.

You lifted her gaze from your plate to look study him wordlessly, idly twisting the noodles with your fork.

People either called him the black sheep or the dark cloud but for you, Jeon Jungkook was the school’s resident lone wolf.

He smoked in the secluded areas on campus, sometimes playing his guitar. Beat up people who got on his nerves, sometimes using his guitar. Slept in class the rare times he was there, many times on his guitar.

Being his senior, you had never seen any of any of that for yourself. But you received plenty reports weekly to come to a sound conclusion.

There was no way people hated him enough to join hands in solidarity and make this all up.

It was quite the contrary actually. He had an alarming number of fans.

On the surface level you couldn’t see why. Most times you saw him, he looked bored out his mind and honestly, intimidating.

Maybe it was the tattoos. Or the ripped skinny jeans. Or the leather jackets with studs.

Maybe it was the domineering height and fit frame and structured face.

Maybe it was the intense dark eyes or the silky ruffled hair.

Even then, you failed to see the irresistible appeal in him. All those things that made him up only added to his unapproachable aura.

Bottom line was, he was bad news.

.

You didn’t want to be a spoil sport.

But how much of a thug your mom’s boyfriend’s son was shouldn’t be something that would make her like him less.

They were both their own people. Right ?

It was just that you just didn’t want her to be shocked and devastated if something happened later. When it happened.

Yet it seemed the serious conversation would have to wait.

After dinner your mom suggested you head to the living room to chat over wine and cheese.

You stayed back to do take out the dishes.

Earlier, your mom had stood to do it instead at first.

‘Don’t bother with that, dear.’ She reached for the plates in your hands. ‘Let me do it.’

‘It’s okay, mom.’ You smiled a little. ‘This is your night. I’ll meet you in the living room.’

'Sweetie...' Your mom looked close to tears. ‘But there’s so much of it…’

‘Jungkook,’ his father's voice had cut through the moment. He was a serious man in a crisp suit with a stoic countenance. His voice was just naturally authoritarian without him trying ‘Give her a hand.’

Jungkook stood, almost robotically.

‘It’s fine.’ You said. Politely. Nicely. Tightly. ‘I can handle this much.’

You left without another word.

That had been moments ago and now you were done with cleaning.

You stood at living room entrance for a while, taking in the scene.

The two adults were exchanging moon eyes and whispering in each other’s ears at the love seat.

Jungkook was sitting on a solo seat, but he was on his phone, completely unbothered by what was happening.

Your mom seemed to think it was the perfect time to pull out the photo album right then and there upon seeing you.

It was embarrassing but at least you knew you didn’t have to worry about the pictures spreading at school.

Jungkook was looking, picking up a picture occasionally to rove over, but he wasn’t the type to do that.

He also wasn’t the type to stare but you felt his glance shifting to you and lingering multiple times.

Once, you caught his eyes and he just stared at you across the coffee table wordlessly with a curious tilt to his head, idly flipping a picture of you dressed as a knight in glitter shining armor for Halloween at eight in his hands.

Honestly, it was starting to get annoying.

But you endured. For your mom’s sake.

.

Your alarm went off at exactly ten.

As subtly as you could, you excused yourself with an apology to the guests, saying you weren't really feeling well.

In hindsight you probably should have used a better excuse.

Your mom was notorious when it came to worrying, especially when it comes to your health.

Also, you probably should’ve locked the door before undressing just for good measure since people were over.

But in the moment, you were too busy setting your camera up where you were kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed to be concerned about that.

That day you were testing out a new toy.

.

Distractedly, you took note of a couple of people asking you if that was your boyfriend’s shirt you had lifted over your tits.

You ignored them.

Couldn’t a girl own an oversized tee without getting any flack?

Trivial comments like that aside, a good majority of the audience are fawning over how wet you were and how perfect you bouncing tits look being played with.

Your head fell back and your eyes fluttered shut.

You were sitting there, knees raised to your chest and legs splayed, your gushing pussy in full display where the toy was stuffed deep into her tightness, vibrating pleasantly.

‘I’m close…’ you mumbled throatily, squeezing your tits and pinching your stiff nipples in between your moving fingers. You moved your hips move faster, feeling the toy buzz against fluttering walls. You took a hand off one of your tits to rub at your engorged clit. ‘Fuckfuckfuck…’

Deep in your high, you didn’t hear the door open and close with a foreboding click.

You only heard your name being called by a deep, smooth voice through the heady haze.

Instantly you stilled.

When you snapped your head to look over her shoulder Jungkook was there, hands in his pockets, leaning against your doorframe with his sleeves drawn up to his elbows, muscle roped, inked skin on full display.

When he tilted his head to the side a little, appraisively, you dared to say as a quaking chill ran down your spine and your entire body felt like it was about to burst into flames, a bit of his hair fell over his face.

His eyes were like two black in the dark as he took you in, dragging his gaze up and down your exposed body languidly.

In the back of your mind, you wished the ground would part and swallow you whole.

‘Your mom,' he starts, capturing your attention wholly, dark gaze finally flickering to your face, his voice suddenly lower, hoarser. ‘She sent me over to check on you.’

It took you a moment to realize where you were, who you were, who he was.

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dropped over your head.

Jeon Jungkook, the school's resident trouble maker, soon to be your step brother, just walked in on you fingering yourself in in front of a recording camera.

Well. Yeah.

You gulped.

You were royally fucked.

depending on the response I get I might ( most probably will ) delete this. not because I'm ashamed of my work. because I'm embarrassed of myself. I really swore to never write again and here I am. sigh. yes, I have seen my previous works and noticed just how terrible they were and this is a big reason why. so sorry for putting you through that. a million apologies.

also, that's right. I have adopted a new style which might not be to everyone's liking. another reason why.

anyways, if you liked this filth ( i know it seems mild but I can tell you it's very likely gonna get worse ) please idk uh... fuck this isn't ao3. hm.

like and drop by in the ask box if you liked it and want to see more. it makes me happy. its like serotonin fuel to me.

have a nice day. see you next time ( maybe ). stay fresh. yeah. 💜💜.

[witheringvoice]

Grief - A Poem

Before I get into this, I decided to play my moody mix on Spotify to write this poem, right? WHY THE FUCK DID MASK PLAY???? It's so funny but still makes me want to cry---I don't get life sometimes...

TW: Mentions of attempted suicide, mentions of suicide, mentions of sh, mentions of deaths, funerals, mentions of cancer, mentions of guns, mentions of alcohol and pills, etc

I've never truly been able to experience it.

You see, family of mine has died.

Ones that I was very close to.

When I was little.

When my great grandfather died when I was in second grade.

He died of cancer.

When I was little, I was really close to him.

I know I was.

But in second grade, I barely recalled those memories.

I went to his funeral, and I even saw him.

I don't remember what he looked like.

But I didn't feel much.

Two years later I stared at the clouds and cried for him.

I don't know why, to this day.

The rain fell that day.

September 2017, beginning of fourth grade.

Someone who could've become my father.

Shot himself.

He wasn't in the right state of mind.

Anti-depressants and alcohol don't mix well.

That night, that early morning of the 17th.

Was traumatic.

Though, I only heard about him doing so on the radio.

We were in a cop car.

I did cry, I did feel broken.

But quickly I put on a happy front.

I told people about the incident.

I was trying to make myself know it was real I think.

But I must've seemed so apathetic.

I'm still not over that, but I don't think of it much.

During September, around the 16th and 17th, I get upset.

Last year, I think.

Seventh grade, 2021.

My great grandma died.

A heart attack.

A different side of the family.

My grandmother's side, not my grandfather's.

I barely remembered her.

I remember the walk to her place.

I slightly remember the old folk's home.

I remember the smell.

I remember rice crispies.

I don't remember her well.

I didn't feel much, toward her death.

But I know it affected me.

Why didn't I cry for her?

My sister attempted suicide multiple times.

It hurt, I never took it well.

I lashed out at her.

I will never forgive myself for that.

But she isn't dead yet, I'll make up for it.

Technoblade died of cancer.

It hurt, but it didn't.

I felt sorrow, I broke down, I cried.

A depressive episode was triggered.

I drew something to pay respects.

But I didn't truly know him.

Even so, I still cared for him.

Because he helped me when I was sad and lost.

Did I grieve then?

Am I still?

It still makes me sad sometimes.

But at the same time, it doesn't.

Is that bad?

One of my best friends, his friend died recently.

Suicide, how do I help him?

I don't know what it truly feels like.

I have no words that can help him.

But I want to, even if it's useless.

Today he messaged me out of the blue.

"I'm sorry."

My heart stopped, tears pooled in my eyes.

Is this it?

I started grieving like I lost him.

What if he did something?

I'd never be mad, never disappointed, just hurt.

Without him, I'd feel so lost.

He relapsed, he cut again.

Relief and sorrow rushed over me at once.

I did my best, my useless words.

I love him, my best friend.

If he died, I would never forgive myself.

I'd forgive him immediately.

Why do I still feel like I've lost something?

He's alive and well, he's okay.

I'm okay, everything is okay.

What will happen the day I need to do it?

I've gotten close for family pets, for people I barely knew, for family, for people who inspired me.

But when the time comes, I know I won't know how.

I don't understand it, after all.

Grief.

[librarianbusdriver]

Ted: Okay, where was I? You were telling us how you met mom. In excruciating detail. Right. So, back in 2005, When I was 27, My two best friends got engaged, And it got me thinking, maybe I should get married.

*Sigh*

And then I saw robin. She was incredible. I just knew I had to meet her. That's where your uncle barney came in. I suggest we play a little game I like to call Wait, no, no, no. We're not playing "have you met ted?" Hi. Have you met ted? So I asked her out. But after just one date, I was in love with her Which made me say something stupid. I think I'm in love with you. What?! Oh, dad. So then what happened? Nothing. I mean, I'd made a complete fool of myself. So, a week went by, and I decided not to call her. So you're not gonna call her? You went from, "I think I'm in love with you"

Trapped, the same hollow, dull story repeating again, and again, and again all around me. No way to change its course. No way to do anything but just... watch.

To "I'm not gonna call her"? I wasn't in love with her, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract concept Of getting married. It had absolutely nothing to do with robin. Robin. Hi. Look who I ran into. Since when do you guys know each other? Oh, since about... Here. Lily recognized me From the news and... Hello, sailor! They just got engaged. Well, I should get back to the station. See you, guys. Nice seeing you, ted. Yeah, you, too. Thanks. What? Damn it! I'm in love with her. As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse. You blew it, it's over, move on. I don't know, I just have this feeling She's the future mrs. Ted mosby. ( Lily squeaks) Lily, you squeaked? She said something about me, didn't she? Come on, spill it, red! Fine. So, what do we think of ted? ( Iaughs) Ted's something else. Huh. I'm gonna spin that as good. Lots of guys are something, I'm something else. Comes on a little strong. But, that's part of my charm. But, that's part of his charm. Oh, totally. I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, He's just looking for something A little bit more serious than I am. I mean, the most I can handle right now is something casual. This just stays between us, right? Are you kidding? This flapper? Fort knox. Oops. She wants casual. Okay, I'll be casual. I'm going to be a mushroom cloud of casual. Cause it's a game... I want her to skip To the end and do the whole happily-ever-after thing. But you don't get there unless you play the game. So, are you going to ask her out? Yeah... No! I can't ask her out, Because if I ask her out, I'm asking her out. So, how do I Ask her out without asking her out? Did you guys get high? I got it. I don't ask her out. I invite her To our party next Friday. We're having a party next Friday? We are now. Casual. Like inviting a hundred people over just to mack on one girl. Oh, and lily, that's my leg. You waited five minutes to tell me that? All right, so call her up. No, calling's not casual. I just got to bump into her somewhere. Now, if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter. That's great, ted... you'll be the most casual stalker ever. Put that ring on her finger, lily had been, Well, extra affectionate. ( chuckling ): Baby, no. I have a 25-page paper on constitutional law due Monday. Hey, I'm just sitting here, wearing my ring,

Wallachia, how I miss you.

My beautiful ring. ( Typing) Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. Kind of don't want to wear my shirt anymore. Or... My underwear. That's right, I'm not wearing any. ( Sighs ) No underwear? Not even slightly. Ted: Guys. Boundaries. Robin ( on tv ): Thanks, bill. I'm reporting from the razzle dazzle supermarket On 75th and columbus... 75th and columbus. Game on! Where four-year-old leroy ellenberg has climbed Inside a grab-a-prize machine and gotten stuck. ( Panting ) And, all in the pursuit of a stuffed, purple giraffe. For metro news 1, I'm robin trubotsky. Engineer: We're clear. Robin: Thanks, don. Whew. Ted. Robin, wow! What are the odds? Oh, you know, just, uh, shopping for, uh, dip. I love dip. I mean, I don't love dip, I like dip... ( chuckles ) so, uh, hey, you, uh, Reporting a news story or something? Yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news. Wow. Kid in a crane machine. Mm-hmm. You just had to have that toy, didn't you? Couldn't play the game like everyone else. You're all sweaty! Cute kid. Um, you know, It's so funny I should run into you. We're, uh, we're having a party next Friday, If you feel like swinging by. But, you know, whatever. Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. It's too bad it's not tonight. It is... It's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, I guess I've been saying next Friday all week. But, yeah, it's tonight, the, uh, the party's tonight. But, you know, whatever. ( Phone rings) Hello? Hey, am I interrupting anything? No, no, I'm just writing my paper. Hitting the books. Yeah, well, you and lily Might want to put some clothes on. We're throwing a party in two hours. Okay, bye. What are you gonna do when robin shows up? Okay, I got it all planned out. She steps through the door... and where's ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, Showing some foxy young thing all my cool architect stuff. So, robin strolls over, and I casually give her one of these: "hey, what's up?" She says, "hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera." And then, I say, "well, make yourself at home." And, I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later... "oh, you're still here?" I say, like I don't really care, But it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually: Both: The roof! Get her up to the roof, And the roof takes care of the rest. What's so special about the roof? Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline. You can't not fall in love on that roof. We do it up there, sometimes. Solid plan, my little friend. But, may I suggest one little modification. Barney: That foxy young thing you were chatting up, Take her up to the roof and have sex with her. Crazy monkey style... That's not the plan. Barney: Well, it should be the plan. I mean, look at her. Ted, look at her. She's smoking! Thank you! Yeah... But, she's not robin! Exactly! Ted, let's rap. Statistic: At every new york party, There's always a girl who has no idea Whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, And you will never see her again. Do you see where I'm going with this? Barney, I don't think so. ( groans ) Scoping.

I miss it all. The childhood spent in that bountiful castle, the beauty of those rolling green fields...

( Imitates sonar beeping ) Scoping. Man, you're a dork. ( Accelerates beeping sound ) Target acquired! Now it's time we play a little game I like to call "have you met ted?" oh, come on, not this. Hi. Have you met ted? No. Hi. Hi. Do you know marshall? Lily? Woman: No. Hmm. Do you know anyone at this party? I work with carlos. Excuse me. Anyone know a carlos? No. No. On a silver platter. Bon appétit. I don't think so. Your loss, her gain. Excuse me. Can I show you the roof? It's magical up there. Sure. Ted: Wait, wait. Hey, hey, I got that roof reserved. Dude, robin's not coming. Hey, she's going to show up! She'll show up. Ted: She didn't show up. At least it was a great party. I ate, like, four whole cans of dip. You always know what to say, old friend. ( Phone ringing ) It's robin. No, no, not right away... got to seem casual. ( Ringing continues ) Hello? I'm so sorry I missed your party. Who is this? Meredith? Robin. Oh, robin! Hey! Yeah, I, uh, guess you never showed up, did you? No, I got stuck at work. But, they finally got that kid out of the crane machine. Did he get to keep the purple giraffe? Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time, And little kids have small bladders. ( Chuckles ) robin: I wish your party Was tonight. It is... the party's tonight. Yeah, uh... It's a two-day party, 'cause that's just how we roll. Uh, so, if you want to swing by, you know, it's casual. See ya. So, that was robin. What are you Doing to me, man?! I got a paper to write! I know! Sorry! It's terrible! I'll buy more dip! Ted! Ted, wait! Get french onion! Can you believe this guy? I got a paper to write. Okay, fine. But, it's got to be, like, super-quick, And no cuddling after. I'm the luckiest girl alive. You were so right about the roof! The roof! The roof is on fire, ted! That girl from last night... I took her back to my place, Spun her around a couple times and sent her walking. She will never find her way back, and there she is. How did she get here? Did you invite her? I have no idea who that is. She said she works with carlos. Who's carlos? I don't know any carlos. ( Frustrated groan)

The conquests... the blood of my enemies spilled, and villages burnt to the ground in my name.

Hi, you! You're back! I sure am. Mmm. Come on, sweetie, I need a drink. "Sweetie"? Really? ( Barely audible ): Help. Whoa! Whoa, rabbits! Come on, I got that roof reserved. All right. So, it's over between me and works-with-carlos girl. Whoa! That was fast. Yeah. I was trying to think, What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met? I think I'm in love with you. What?! Thanks, bro. Glad I could help. What the... No, no, no. Come on. Sorry, ted. Great. What am I going to do when robin shows up? She'll show up. She didn't show up. All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody wanged, everybody chunged. Now, the kid has got to get to work, And the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me. I will not have sex with marshall. Both: I will not have sex with marshall. ( Phone ringing ) It's robin. Hello? Hi, ted. Amanda? Oh, denise! Sorry, you totally sounded like amanda. It's robin. Oh, robin. Hi. I totally wanted to come. I got stuck at work again. I feel like I live there. I'm sorry I missed your party, again. Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita. Who am I? I guess there's no chance your two-dayer Turned into a three-dayer? It did, indeed. The party continues tonight. Yeah. Uh, last night, people were like, "keep it going, bro. Party trifecta." Wow! Okay, well, I'll be there. Great! See you tonight. So, that was robin. So, I threw a third party for robin... On a Sunday night. Well, this is lame. Lame... Or casual? Lame. Or casual? Hey, law books. Ready for a little 15 minute recess? Sorry, baby, I got to work. I need all my blood up here. Has anybody seen an introduction to contract tort And restitution statutes from 1865-1923? Anybody seen a big-ass book? All ( muttering ): No. Woman: Hello, barney. Of course. You look well. Is it weird they invited both of us? Who? Who invited you? No one even knows who you are! I understand you're hurt, but you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you. Who is carlos?! Hey, where the hell is my...? Oh...! Okay... An introduction to contract tort And restitution statutes from 1865-1923 Is not a coaster! Ted, I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw not one, Not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met Who's probably not even going to show up! I mean, where is she, ted, huh? Where's robin? Hi. Hi, robin. Wow. So, you threw all these parties for me? No. Oh, you thought that... No! I... Okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties Was so that I could introduce you To, um, this guy. Uh, I figured, you know, Since it didn't work out between us And now we can just laugh about it... ( laughs weakly) Anyway, robin, this is... Carlos. Oh! Oh! She's still talking to carlos. I can still win this. I-it's not over. Okay, buddy. Time for the tough talk. Robin seems great, but let's look at the facts. You want to get married. And right now, There's a million women in new york Looking for exactly you. But robin ain't one of them. She's not just one of them. She's the one. Yeah, well, the one is heading up to the roof. What are you going to do? Nothing. It's a game. I got to just keep playing it. ( Rock music playing ) Ted... Hey, carlos, can you give us a minute? Hey, no sweat, hombre. See ya. Robin...

Will I ever be freed of this damnable place?

Look, I didn't throw this party To set you up with carlos, Or the one before that, or the one before that. I threw these parties because I wanted to see you. Well, here I am. There's something here, look, unless I'm crazy. You're not crazy. I don't know, ted. I mean, we barely know each other And you're looking at me with that look. And, it's like... Like, "let's fall in love and get married And have kids and drive them to soccer practice." I'm not going to force sports on them Unless they're interested. ( Iaughing ) It's a great look. But you're looking at the wrong girl. No, I'm not. I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever. I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you Or break your heart, and... I just couldn't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way you feel. Click. Off. Let's make out. What? What? That was the off switch. And I turned it off. I mean, look, sure, yes, I want to fall in love, get married, blah, blah, blah. But, on the other hand... You, me, the roof. There's no off switch. There is an off switch. And it's off. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes... It is. No, it's not. You're right. There's no off switch. God, I wish there was an off switch! Me, too. ( Both laughing ) ( both muttering nervously ) What do we do now? We could be friends. Oh... I know it sounds insincere when people say that, But... We could. I don't know, robin. I've made such a jackass of myself here. We start hanging out, every time I see you It'll be like, "oh, that's right. I'm a jackass." You're not a jackass. Look, I'm sorry. I only moved here in April and I'm always working And I just haven't met a lot of good people so far. But I understand. Well, uh, maybe in a few months, After it's not so fresh, We could all, uh, you know, get a beer. Yeah. That sounds good. I'll see you, ted. Or, you know, now. We could all get a beer now. I'd like that. My friends are going to love you... Like you, you know, as a friend. Jackass. Unbelievable. That's just a recipe For disaster. They work together! Are you jealous? Oh, please. What does carlos have that I don't? A date tonight. All: Oh! Stop the tape. Rewind. ( Imitates tape rewinding ) a date tonight. All: Oh! I'm not sure I like her. Hey, don't you have a paper to write? Dude, you're talking to the kid. I'm going to knock back this beer. I'm going to knock back one more beer. I'm going to write a 25-page paper. I'm going to hand it in and I'm going to get an "a." My name is rufus and that's the trufus. ( Iaughter ) Ted: He got a b-minus. But still, 25 pages in one night, b-minus? The kid was good. At least let me buy you a beer. Come on, I'll buy everyone a beer. I'll help carry. You know something, ted? What? You are a catch. You're going to make some girl very happy. And I am going to help you find her. Well, good luck. I mean, maybe new york's just too big a town. I mean, there's millions of people in this city. How, in all this mess, Is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin? Hi. Have you met ted? ( Music rises over dialogue )

I do not know if I can, but I must.

[STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB]

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOUUU-