#I need her to know Lloyd was right and will never love her again regardless

[withdenim]

Hindsight’s fickle, huh

[akariarda]

I still can't stop loving

Thanks for the request! Garmadon and Misako fixing their relationship after crystallized.

the title comes from a song in my language. Tell me if you want me to translate it because it's just right for this work.

Garmadon stood at the monastery door. He wasn't sure why he was there; Lloyd, Ninja, and Wu were somewhere training.

The only one there with him was Misako. He wanted to talk to her. He didn't fully remember his past, but he remembered his conversations with Misako. He always enjoyed spending time with her; she understood him.

"Does she understand me now?" They had talked a few times, mostly about Lloyd, avoiding a topic that wasn't easy to broach.

He gathered himself and knocked.

"Garmadon?" Misako said, surprised. "Lloyd isn't here."

"I know," Garmadon replied. "I wanted to talk."

"About Lloyd?" Misako asked, setting something she held on the floor.

"No, actually..." He stumbled. "I don't know. I just wanted to talk to someone."

"Alright," she said gently. "Then come in; what are you waiting for?"

He entered and sat at the table. Misako sat across from him.

"So, tell me," she said. "What's bothering you now?"

He didn't say anything; he just stood there. He didn't really know what was bothering him. Something about her evoked a feeling. He presumed it was love. But with that love came immense guilt.

The feeling that he constantly caused harm and that he could never be good enough For her, Lloyd, Wu, and their father...

"I'm sorry," he said, not knowing what else to say.

Misako looked into his eyes for a long time. After he returned to help Lloyd and the ninjas, she could see traces of the man she loved in him. As if he wanted to come out but couldn't.

"You don't have to be sorry. You were  evil."

"I don't want to talk about that," Garmadon interrupted. "I'm sorry for agreeing to be evil again. For coming back and destroying lives, yours, Lloyd's, Wu's..."

"You didn't destroy our lives, Garmadon." Misako cut him off mid-sentence. "I know you came back to save Ninjago. I can even say that I'm glad you  did."

"Why?" Garmadon was completely confused. "I'm not the person I used to be." He stood up.

"Yes, you are," Misako replied confidently, which scared her. "I know you are; I can see it. You just have to allow yourself to come out."

"I can't do it alone," Garmadon sadly said. "We'll help you," Misako told him, standing and grabbing his hand. "Lloyd, Wu, me, the ninjas."

"Seriously?" Garmadon asked with disbelief.

"Absoulutly." She said that and smiled warmly at him.

"Why?" Garmadon asked again, not understanding why they wanted to help him.

"Have you ever considered that your family loves you?" Misako's tone was serious. "That Lloyd needs you?"

"Do you need me?"Garmadon smiled suddenly, letting his emotions come out. Misako always had a way of cheering him up.

Regardless, he still couldn't stop loving her. He held her hand tighter and brought it to his lips, giving her a small kiss.

"I'm glad to hear that. And if you I need me too, I will definitely accept your help." He said that and smiled at her.

"You really haven't changed," Misako said and sighed. "Yes, I need you,"she said, smiling sincerely at him.

"Then we have a deal?" he smiled even more.

"We do."She said.

He pulled her into an embrace. "I swear, I love you, Misako," he said as he let her rest her head on his chest and gently caressed her.

"I just needed time to find myself again. I don't remember everything from the past. I remember that I lied to you, that I took some Wu from  Wu.

"Forget about that," Misako interrupted him abruptly. "You were forgiven a long time ago."

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking into her eyes.

"One hundred percent."

"Thank you," Garmadon told her, gently grabbing her chin. "I promise to work on my relationship with you, our son, and the others."

"I know you will," she said. "I truly love you, and I want you to come back."

"Can I then?" he asked. "

Misako laughed. "I guess you can."

Garmadon held her tighter around the waist and leaned own to give her a kiss. Misako placed one hand over his shoulder and the other on his neck as he deepened the kiss.

There was something special about how their lips met. His flat tongue slid over her teeth. She tilted her head slightly to taste him better as she let their lips meet again.

She couldn't help it. She still couldn't stop loving him.

Make me know what you think and do you want more parts!

Also,make me know do you think Garmadon and Misako will back together in DR.

[aroninshonour]

Hello!! :)

Could you do 🐍(fav kind of serpentine), 💎 (fave realm) and 📺(fave season and why) for the ninjago ask game? Thank you :D

Fhskfjqkfjej YESS !!

Okok so my fav kind of serpentine is definitely the Constricti, I think they are so cool and and and I love the blacks and the oranges and the grays and dhfkwjtkwjtjektje (I have a thing for like. The ground. Or like. Earth themes I guess)

My favorite Realm is definitely the Departed Realm, idk it just kinda...draws me in, in a way- yk? Like, uhm- ghosts and the death that surrounds it is interesting to me I suppose. It's ghosts have a ton of different stories too, and I like to imagine that the Departed realm can be exactly what a ghost wants it to be, at least in that ghosts view of it, if ykwim?

Controversial opinion, but it's Skybound. It's kinda always been my favorite season, even with the addition of other seasons after it.

Skybound, to me at least, gives the characters development that they needed, even if it's pretty much ignored after the season.

Jay, making the mistakes he does in the beginning, is able to learn from them and makes himself better about it by the end.

Nya is able to express how she feels about, well, everything. How she's always been defined by someone else, how she's just considered the 'girl ninja'. Her and Jay getting to have that talk is something really special that I think will always hold something special too it.

Nadakhan, although I hope he dies horrid painful deaths an infinate amount of times over, was an absolutely amazing villian. He did everything wrong in the right way. He was legit just an amazing villian, the trickery, the hostages, his demands, torture, the way he *knew* how to break someone, the control he has over basically everything is terrifying. All the way to the end he was a great bad guy, he had everything under control...until he didn't. Until he let his guard down after he got his infinite wishes. I could go on for hours talking about him but I'm not going too-)

This season we got reveals about Jay and his parents, we got a team up we never thought would happen, we got characters too (ECHOECHOECHOECHO) I dunno it just did so many things right. Although I don't like that they randomly made Dareth sexist- that was dumb -

So yes, Skybound has a ton of things wrong with it, but it also has so much to love about it, at least it does to me. (So do the other seasons but this ain't about them)

And the last wish Jay made, I know tons of people hate that because the show just ignored all the character development and all, but honestly I don't know what else he could've done. If he hadn't made that wish, and he chose to make it so Nadakhan wasn't a dijjn, then Nya would've died(No one wants that. I hope...) and Lloyd probably would've continued to get older because the wish was never actually reversed(Unless Nadakhans magic being gone reverses it but idk...)

So yeah, Skybound has its flaws and it's got it's good bits, But I love it regardless. (Prime Empire is second by the way...damn my favs are all Jay and Nya suffering...crazy)

Oh and also I think they should've waited a season or two before putting Nya and Jay together again, maybe could've gave them a little recovery arc and then putting them together......but they didn't which is sad but ykw whatever it's fineeeeeeeeee...I guess

[lightcreators]

@tiimecrash​ continue from here

“Baxter? I like it. It suits you.” she smiled to him. She could understand his need to use a new alias other than Harold Saxon again. That alias would cause some issues for him and they did not need that here in their private bubbled timeline. This was a safe place, and untouched by any other Time Lords but themselves. She arched a brow to him wanting to rule an island. Perhaps there was an unclaimed island someplace that he could rule  and she could be an empress. However, the prospect of ruling over anything ( or anyone ) didn’t suit her. If she were to rule, she’d be kind and just, allowing her husband to do everything else. “You want to rule an island? Maybe we could go look for one here, I’m sure there’s an undiscovered on someplace.” she mused, approaching her husband as her hues looked him over. He looked very calm here, much like his previous incarnation did.

The  thought  still  amusing  him  :  settle  down.  Him,  among  the  various  Time  Lords,  deciding  to  take  similiar  path  of  Theta  who  decided  to  settling  down  inside  time  …  meanwhile  he  was  requesting  normality  —  him,  among  all  people.  By  the  discovery  of  that  letter  of  an  unknown  source  about  such  timeline,  he  pondered  possibilities  between  that  place,  unreached  opportunities  too.  Nevertheless,  heaviness  of  his  timeline  had  becoming  …  too  much.  He  was  tired  to  been  nothing  more  than  an  flattering  shadow  in  Theta’s  eyes.  He  was  tired  to  wait  for  a  miracle  he  didn’t  saw  happening,  neither  an  triggering  sensation  the  Doctor  was  still  there  somewhere,  inside  these  pensive  brown  eyes  who  pictured  existence  differently.  As  tragic  at  it  was,  he  did  witnessed  the  universe  with  his  old  friend,  he  did  managed  to  get  an  long  time  ago  promise  fullfilled  …  where  he  had  been  his  oldest  friend  holding  power  over  that  dimension  he  knew  nothing.  However,  he  wasn’t  a  witch,  and  cannot  gasp  by  himself  all  the  concept  of  Game  Master  by  simply  be  an  observer.  However,  it  was  different  of  everything  he  imagined,  when  he  was  standing  as  a  moral  compass  when  it  should  be  the  opposite,  where  he  should  be  the  one  been  stopped  inside  his  actions  by  his  friend.  The  pain  turned  heavy  he  needed  somewhere  inside  that  large  universe  where  he  could  be  at  peace.  Nevertheless,  it  remained  painful  to  his  own  thoughts  to  been  forced  to  push  back  behind  his  alias  of  Harold  Saxon.  Casualness  in  uncontrolled  emotionality,  sweet  pleasures  of  having  influence  on  the  world,  pronounced  taste  for  suits  anchored  him  inside  that  incarnation.  That  alias  was  part  of  him  (  regardless  if  every  fiber  of  such  condition  had  been  belonging  to  an  preetablished  script  )  so  personally  that  he  made  fun  of  breaking  his  own  fashion  code  —  an  British  man  in  holiday,  who  accidentally,  was  avoiding  presence  of  the  underground,  meanwhile  be  tempted  to  inflitrate  them.  Finishing  cleaning  his  glasses  he  had  a  little  satisfied  smile.    ❝  Glad  you’ve  love  it.  Baxter  Lloyd,  local  British  man  in  holiday,  when  nothing  can  go  wrong  obviously.    ❞  He  grinned.  There  was  an    irony  as  he  found  catchy  the  idea  to  owning  an  island.  As  he  was  catching  up  something  in  mild  air  of  the  atmosphere.  Theta  never  talked,  Theta  never  expressed  a  thing  about  how  suddently  he  discovered  that  kind  of  ‘witches’,  though  he  understood  an  tragedy  underneath,  though  there  was  still  a  mystery  around  Lady  Bernkastel  connection  towards  the  Time  Lord  …  though  he  experienced  simply  faraway  elements  of  the  reason  who  changed  his  oldest  friend,  enough  to  do  it  five  incarnations  prior.  Somewhere,  that  sound  strangely  right,  on  point.  Somewhere,  there  was  an  comforting  sentiment  he  could  be  the  Master  of  an  entire  island,  if  he  didn’t  know  if  there  would  be  people.  There  was  an  pleasant  laugh.  Beyond  all  the  humans  consideration,  there  was  also  the  underground  consideration  he  would  have  to  take  care.  Or  even  simplicity  of  name  of  such  island.  It  was  only  musings  thoughts,  nothing  too  much  important.  Putting  his  glasses  back  on,  he  completed.    ❝    Owning  an  island  would  be  more  accurate.  Having  an  manor  all  by  himself.  Having  the  entire  forest  for  myself,  be  the  king  of  the  night.  Even  privatize  it,  and  be  another  vacation  spot  where  all  the  wealth  I  would  have  accumulated  could  be  kept.  where  I  would  be  the  king  of  my  own  kingdom,  able  to  raise  my  glory  as  much  as  I  wish.    ❞  His  smile  inscreased.    ❝  It  would  be  interesting  to  research.    ❞

[onsunnyside]

So while stepdad!aus aren’t my cup of tea I will posit the question to the group….

Isn’t Lloyd Hansen a very stepdad type of guy that gets into the family for some work purpose but ends up walking away with you? He’s just giving the vibe 😳

dear goodness… all holy beings look away

𝗣𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 | stepdad!Lloyd Hansen x reader

𝗪𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 | age gap, stepcest, possessive behaviour, smut - minors dni, unprotected sex (p in v), daddy kink, spitting, lots of cum, breeding kink, overstimluation, p*ssy slapping, finger sucking, some praise, dumbification, degradation, dacryphilia, smidge of tear licking, squirting, creampie(s). 

𝗪/𝗖 | 1510

🍆 𝐃𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲? 𝐒𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲… 𝐃𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲? 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

“T-Too full,” you try to get away, clawing at the bed sheets as his thick, red tip prods at your creamy hole, “can’t—not again.”

“You can,” Lloyd spits on your cunt as if you weren’t already a wet, sticky mess. His head traces up and down your slit, paying extra attention to your sensitive clit. “Remember? You promised me a special gift for Father’s Day.”

Through blurry vision, you spot the handmade card and photo album on his nightstand. That was the gift you spent weeks making, between fussing (and failing) with the card multiple times, and collecting and arranging the perfect album of your stepfather, Lloyd has been in the back of your mind in more ways than one. 

The gift wasn’t your idea, it was your mother’s. She wanted Lloyd to feel welcomed to the family despite it all being business, just a marriage between two of the city’s most influential people for security, power and status. 

She wanted him to feel at home and ultimately, like he belonged. And to do that, she wanted you to be a sweetheart, to create and gift it to him yourself. 

“He’s your stepfather and the reason we aren’t back in that terrible place again.”

You know she didn’t think he’d fuck you in their shared bed. 

“Remember when you used to avoid me? Go out whenever I was home, I heard you even wanted to skip the wedding.” He whispers in your ear, the low creamy tone makes you melt. “Thought you hated me—now look at you, taking my cock like a good girl.” He presses on your stomach, pinning you down as he pounds into your sloppy cunt. “So full of my cum, you gonna let me fill you up again, sunshine?”

“Didn’t hate you…” You trail off to a moan as he kisses your jaw, slowly working down your neck. 

“Well, you didn’t like me either.” Lloyd murmurs against your skin, groaning as your legs wrap around his hips and pull him deeper. “Fuck—you were such a daddy’s girl, huh? Didn’t want me taking his spot?” 

He wasn’t wrong. You weren’t sold on the newest addition to your family, especially so soon after your parents divorce and your father’s arrest. Regardless of how grateful your mother, and the rest of your siblings were, and Lloyd’s reputation and wealth, this new man would never amount to your father. 

But as your mother stated, you needed the label, protection, and image. 

She was a woman who never faltered, even with the rumors of her cheating husband, and his untimely arrest for fraud. She will stand unwavered, and unaffected by the publicity. 

She remains steady with resolve, and will happily marry another high status man within a few months. Even if that man happened to be far worse than your father, neck deep in shady businesses and bad things. To the public, Lloyd was a clean, sophisticated CEO who was the perfect replacement for your cheating and lying father. 

Right now, he’s your stepfather fucking you into the bed he shares with your mother, pumping you with another load while you squirt all over his length. He doesn’t stop or slow down, if anything, the oversensitivity makes him more ravenous. He loves watching you tremble on his cock, caught between begging for a break and pleading for more. 

Your arms shoot out, yanking him down for a messy kiss full of clashing teeth and warm breaths. “Wanted you so badly. Please—don’t stop.” You moan, twitching under him when he pulls out, plugging you with the heavy tip before ramming forward. 

With every thrust, your head brushes the headboard. Lloyd fucks his cum into you, forcing you to take the previous loads and his fat girth, he wants to mark you from the inside out. Your cries are music to his ears, he wishes he could watch his cum dribble out around his dick, and smear down your ass to the once-clean sheets. But, he doesn’t want to move, this position with your breasts against his chest, your fingers digging into his shoulders, and your pulsating walls milking his cock—if he had a choice, he’d never move. 

“I know, your new daddy knows, baby.” He coos, lowering his body until his balls touch the filthiness between your thighs. He’s pressed to the hilt, you can practically feel him in your guts. With slow grinds, he watches as you sink into the mattress, small hiccuping breaths escape your parted lips. “Poor baby, those college boys don’t know how to fuck you. They don’t know how to stretch out this little pussy, make you a stupid mess—bet they leave you high and dry.” 

You can’t do anything but take his pounding, tears trailing down your face as he rams into your spot. Your whole body tenses, and your cunt sucks him deeper, hungry for more despite there being no room left. Squelching noises bounce off the walls and make you cover your face, weeping into your hands as he splits you apart. 

He leans back, and between your fingers, you watch his abs flex and his neck tense. A guttural groan rumbles from within his chest, a stark contrast to your blubbering of daddy, daddy, daddy. Lloyd moves your hands and brings one to his mouth, sucking your fingers and swirling his tongue. 

“You’re going to come for me again.” 

You immediately shake your head, but make no movements to escape, all too lost in the pleasure. Your hand is pulled from his mouth soaked with his salvia, and as if in slow motion, you watch him bring it to your cunt—and that’s when you try to get away. 

Lloyd easily tugs you back, pounding harder and deeper. He’s rearranging your insides, pulling you to meet his thrusts, then reaching down to collect your cream that’s formed a ring around his base. He shoves his fingers between your lips, fucking your mouth as a mixture of your salvia and arousal drip from the corners of your lips. 

“Look at you, getting fucked from both ends. All that’s missing is something in your ass.” He hooks your knee over his shoulder, stretching your sore hole, and exposing yourself to the hot air. You can only imagine how filthy you look down there. “Slap your clit before I do it for you.” 

The next few moments have faded into one. Between his unrelenting thrusts shoving your sweaty body higher on the bed, and his demands of harder, and to spank your clit until it hurts—you fall over the egde again. 

“I know no one knows how to make you do that. That’s it, such a good girl for daddy.” He leans back, watching you squirt and cover his lower half in your release. Your whole body convulses as a silent mewl pours from your mouth, tears of pleasure and pain stream down your face. His thrusts have slowed into thorough grinds as sticky strings connect your most intimate parts. 

You allow him to move you as he pleases, dragging out your orgasm as it bleeds into another—you can barely breathe as he rubs your sore clit, his rough fingertips are cruel on your overworked button.

His face his inches away and blush blooms over his skin. “I’m going to leave your mother, and you’re going to come with me.” He promises, swooping down to kiss your tear-stained cheeks. Lloyd can’t reisst licking a few. “You’re going to be my little wife, and I’m going to fuck you like this everyday, fill this tight cunt with my cum, and you’re going to make me a real daddy.” 

His hips rail forward as you lay a limp mess, still crying as he pumps you full. His cum spurts along your sore walls, trying to find space but there isn’t any left, and it seeps out around his girth, leaking down your ass and his heavy balls. These sheets will never be saved.  

Then, the door downstairs opens, and your mother’s voice rings out. 

Lloyd pulls back with a smile, sweat brimming at his hairline. “Looks like it’s time to share the news, pumpkin.” He takes pride in your dazed expression, you probably can't even hear him now, let alone process his words. Slowly, he starts fucking his cum into you, desperate to knock you up for the final nail in the coffin of his marriage to your mother.

Wet noises seep into your foggy mind, playing dully in the background to your Lloyd-filled thoughts. He’s successfully fucked you stupid, and you’ve never felt so good. 

Your cunt is filled to the brim, his seed coating your core, marking you with his scent and presence. Each grind sends shocks throughout your body, your pussy is a pathetic mess—there’s no doubt that he’s got you pregnant already—and that brief realization shoves you deeper under the surface of pleasure. 

Lloyd groans as you start to meet his motion, although weak and stuttering, you silently tell him you want him too. “Or maybe, she should catch us, hm? Wouldn’t that be interesting?”

[themadauthorshatter]

SO!

How am I giving Lloyd a PG-13 do over?

FIRST, he does not want to rule the world and eat candy. He has not been left behind in Darkley's school by his mother. And he is not a f*cking brat.

To take less shade off Misako, and to build on what Garmadon said in an episode in season 2("You won't get away from me again, Misako."), let's give little kid Lloyd this backstory:

While Garamdon was in the Underworld, Misako gave birth to and raised his son, Lloyd. She waited for him to return, even though Wu explained what had happened between them and Garmadon being cast into the Underworld. Wu also said he would help raise Lloyd in her husband's stead, but Misako declined and said she knew Garmadon would be back one day.

Unfortunately, she was right. When Lloyd was three, Garmadon and the skeleton army attacked and she saw how corrupted her husband was, though he snapped out of it when he saw his son look up at him in fear. Misako, who had been armed, lowered her weapon as Garmadon dropped to his knees and held his hand out for Lloyd, who carefully walked up to him and held his hand.

"Is... Is he-?"

"Yes. He is your son. We've both been waiting for you to come home."

Garmadon holds his child, who hugs him, becausd he's glad to finally have his father.

Too bad, the darkness takes over, when he sees Wu out of the corner of his eye, and Garmadon goes into protective dad mode. He holds Lloyd close in his arm and shoots some sort of dark spell at Wu.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY!" Garmadon shouts, clutching a now terrified Lloyd. "YOU WILL NOT TAKE THEM FROM ME!"

Misako pleads for him to stop, but Garmadon gets ready to attack again as Wu stands back up.

Lloyd, now kind of getting hurt by how tightly Garmadon is holding him, cries for his father to let him go and that he's hurting him.

Garmadon panics and sets Lloyd down before pushing him behind him.

"Dad, NO! THAT'S UNCLE WU!"

Just as Garmadon readies another spell, Misako takes Lloyd by the hand and runs out of their home, Garmadon panicking and giving chase.

"No! LLOYD!"

Wu pounces on his brother and tells Misako to run and to take Lloyd with her.

It is chaos in the street and Misako tells Lloyd to hold onto her no matter what as they run. He does, but it gets really hard to as they reach the gate that encloses the village they're in; it's so crowded and people are moving quickly to evacuate. In the chaos, the two are separated. Misako, who is being pulled away in order to board a bus to safety, cries to the guard pulling her that her son is still there and all alone and she needs to go back for him. Lloyd is having a terrible time as he's getting knicked over, thrown out of the way, and screamed at to "KEEP MOVING!" until he resorts to standing and crying for Misako, Wu, and even his father.

A man finds him instead and leads him to a different bus than Misako, a man who teaches at a certain boarding school in Ninjago City, which is where the bus their on is going; Misako's bus is going in the opposite direction towards the monastery.

When they reunite, Misako cries in Wu's arms, absolutely destroyed over losing her child. Wu promised he will find Lloyd and she will see her son again.

Lloyd, however, is given no such warmth as he is enrolled in Darkley's boarding school and must learn to be evil. Sucks that six year old Lloyd is being told that his father is the example they all must strive to be, willing to do whatever takes to achieve their agendas, even if it means hurting your friends and family.

Whenever Lloyd doesn't listen, he's made to reset trap doors and hidden passage ways, which physically hurt him; he gets cuts and splinters from them.

One day, Lord Garmadon is used as an example of pure evil for not being afraid of hurting his brother and family. Fed up, Lloyd snapped at the teacher, "My dad would never do that! He just wanted to protect me and my mom! He got scared! We all got scared! He wouldn't hurt anyone! He wouldn't hurt ME!"

Lloyd gets kicked out of his boarding school and fends for himself until his encounters with the serpentine. He resorts to digging through waste bins to eat apple skins and whatever people don't eat. Yes, it gets him kind of sick, but people still give him a bad rep for being Garmadon's son and a thief, in their eyes, because people suck.

The ninja catch him one day and give him a scolding for stealing from a vender, but all have a collective, 'OH, SHIT!' moment when Wu asks the boy's name, which they give, and reveals to them that Lloyd is his long lost nephew.

They go back to look for him, but it's too late. He's already allied with the Hypnobri, who give the village a HUGE scare and take food for Lloyd, who is hiding because he's heard scary stories about his uncle and the ninja in Darkley's. Zane finds him, but, when the ninja call for him, he doesn't reapond and reveal Lloyd, seeing a huge amount of fear in his eyes and seeing he's found security with the snakes, granted it's dangerous and toxic, but whatever helps him at this point.

The treehouse is built because Lloyd can't sleep in the cold. Furing the Fangpire's move on the junkyard, he hides behind a vehicle until the wrecking ball goes rogue and Zane tackles him out of the way, revealing Lloyd to Wu and the other ninja. Lloyd runs and rejoins the Fangpire and Zane gets chewed out for not only not telling the other ninja and Wu he found Lloyd, but also letting him go.

"I've never seen a child look so afraid," he admits to Cole and Wu. "For all he knows, we are the ones who will do him harm, regardless of if that information is incorrect."

"Impossible," Wu gasps. "Lloyd is my nephew. I wouldn't even dream of harming a hair on his head!"

"He may need time to see his misguidance, Sensei. And we may need to be patient in waiting for that day to arrive."

Zane's words prove correct when Lloyd finds Pythor and gets sick whilst they "terrorize" the town they're in. Pythor mockingly checks on him, but Lloyd says he's fine and they "attack" Darkley's.

The ninja are subjected to both harmless and dangerous booby traps, Pythor takes the map, and the ninja acquire Lloyd, who passes out on the roof and is caught by Jay before he falls. Zane determines he has a fever, which Kai shoots down, because Zane is just really cold, but Wu confirms that Lloyd indeed has a fever and is incredibly sick; he's been picking food out if waste bins and has been exposed to the elements for too long. Zane apologizes for not returning Lloyd to Wu, but Wu only tells him to focus on helping Lloyd get better.

When he's better, Lloyd apologizes to his uncle and mostly stays in his room, because he's scared.

The ninja leave him alone, but Zane visits him and helps with his studies; 'Even ninja have to be smart. Perseverance is key to achieving anything. That is how your uncle found you.'

TLDR: Lloyd used to be happy, but saw his father go crazy because love and evil do not mix, and list his mother in a crowd, leading him to getting pit in Darkley's school for bad boys, where he was bullied, treated terribly, and ultimately kicked out. He was left to fend for himself, which didn't go well at all. Upon finding the serpentine, Lloyd tried to find a semblance security, but only ended up almost falling off the school that abandoned him because of an illness from the stress and eating food from wastebins; desperate times call for desperate measures. He was brought in by and reunited with his uncle and is being properly cared for, even though Zane is the only one that's actually glad he's safe.

I'll probably make more posts of this Ninjago UA, something more for teenagers that's fun to watch and still really edgy.

I hope you guys are enjoying this and thanks for reading!!

[evil-lloyd]

Found this old draft I wrote about my AU with my oc. Idk if I still like that oc or not but I thought it was pretty well written so I decided to share it with y’all. (Includes Oc/Lloyd ship)

Note: My oc was sealed away for 300 years in a magical dimension but time moves incredibly slowly there so she is roughly the same age as Lloyd. Also she tends to ask Zane questions on everything since he seems to know so much,and Zane is happy to help.

Also I don’t hate Kai by any means,he’s just protective over his lil bro and doesn’t want him to get hurt 💖

Also also idek remember most of the story of my character so

_________

“Lloyd.”

Lloyd doesn’t look up from his task,he continues to dry the dishes. Kai knows he hates dish duty,that really he’s doing it so he can avoid Kai without making it look obvious.

But he can’t hide from Kai. He knows him too well after all.

“Lloyd.” Kai tries again. “You can ignore me all you want,but we both know what’s happening. I may not be the best at maths or science,but I know a thing or two about love.”

Lloyd straightens his back. “I’m not ignoring you Kai. I’m just doing the dishes.” He says in with a false calmness to his voice. He must have got it from Zane Kai muses,after all something’s bound to rub off on him considering how long he’s spent around the ninja.

“Well can you pause your dish duty and talk to me?” He doesn’t point out how Lloyd skimmed over everything else. He didn’t deny anything either.

It’s worse than he thought.

“Fine.” Lloyd turns around and wipes his wet hands on the apron around his waist. “What exactly is the issue here?”

“The issue,” Kai starts ���is that you’ve been spending more and more time with that... thing.” (Thing? Girl? Kai isn’t sure what it is regardless of its feminine appearance)

Lloyd crosses his arms. “First of all- it’s not a Thing. It’s a she. She’s a girl Kai,as human as I am. Secondly- Of course I’m spending time with her. I have a limited amount of time to convince her not to obliterate our world. Its world saving stuff.”

“Uh huh. World saving stuff? Well Mister World Saver,if you really are putting yourself under so much strain to convince her,then why don’t we try to find a way to defeat her in the meantime? Maybe you won’t have to convince her at all and we can just seal her away again.”

Something twitches in Lloyd’s faux cool expression. Anger he thinks.

“Why? So she can rot alone for another 300 years until some other guy comes along and frees her again. Except this time there’s no chance of reformation because last time she agreed to something of that nature she got betrayed and locked away?!” Lloyd’s voice raises on the last few words and they both pause to check out to the living area.

The team had decided to all play video games in the living area. Currently Jay and Cole we’re competing in some fighting game. The rest were situated on the couches,Nya cheering Jay on from the armrest beside him and Zane sitting on a nearby sofa next to the Girl. He’s explaining something to her in a hushed tone,both of them staring at the screen in front of them. The girl in question looks focused,nodding every once in a while. Pixal,who is sitting on the seat beside Zane seems to chime in every once in a while. Kai takes note of how Lloyd’s eyes linger on Her for a moment longer than the others and how they soften slightly before they return to look at him.

“Why are you being so cruel?” Lloyd hisses. Kai reels back.

“Cruel?” He hisses back. “Cruel?! I’m only trying to protect you from the heartbreak Lloyd because that-“ he gestures to where She sits “can’t love. Maybe it’ll say it does,to gain your trust long enough so it can carry out its plan-“

“What plan Kai?!” Lloyd looks pissed now. “If you didn’t realize it,she doesn’t need a plan to stop us. She could kill us all if she wanted to and you know it. You act as if I’ve never been blinded by love before,it was my heart harumi broke. Not yours.”

“How do you know that?Did you even try? Or did you just make some stupid deal like you could really convince something that’s literally made of darkness that the world isn’t that bad and it’ll just... oh I don’t know,agree?!”

“For the last time Kai. She’s not an It. She’s a she. She’s half human. She’s still a person with a history,with emotions and ideas and beliefs. You seem to forget that my father is the Evil Lord Garmadon. By your logic I guess I’m an ‘it’ too!”

Kai throws his hands up in the air. “That literally doesn’t make sense! Garmadon is not the same as literal Darkness! And that’s besides the point anyways,my point is-

“Save it Kai. Nothing you can say will change my mind. She deserves the right to experience the world. “ Lloyd looks to the side and sighs. “Just...give her a chance..please?”

Kai stares at him for a few seconds before looking back out into the living room. This could go horribly wrong. That thing could betray them all and destroy the world..but at the same time if Lloyd’s right and they seal her away again then..

Kai sighs. “Fine. But the moment I get even an inkling that things are going to go wrong I’m taking action. Got it?”

Lloyd smiles gently. Kai knows he hates arguing with anyone in the team. “Thanks Kai”

[goron-king-darunia]

Annon-Guy: Hi Darunia. What did you think of the Marta Defense Post I sent you? What did you think of it? Did it have good marit to it?

I’ve seen it before. I admit, the author of the post writes in a convincing manner, but it still doesn’t change my mind. I do feel she spent at LEAST half the game showing the negative traits Lumenary insists were only there for 1/4 of the game and that being 16 isn’t much of an excuse for Marta. 16 definitely excuses her from, say, accusations that “she didn’t stop her father so she is bad.” Like... She is 16, has no real legal or physical power and has no allies so of course she can’t take down Brute and the entire Vanguard by herself. She’s a kid. 30-year-old. Yeah, she might be able to oppose her father (even though it’s definitely not her responsibility to do so). 16-year-old Marta? I don’t blame her at all for stealing the core and running. Despite what Lumenary thinks, my problem with Marta stems not from the fact that she didn’t oppose her dad and the Vanguard. It comes from how she treated Emil.Being 16 does NOT excuse her from being that insensitive to Emil’s and Ratatosk’s needs for a large portion of the game. Her mother being dead also isn’t an excuse. Emil lost both parents and Richter is also an orphan and neither of them have the same boundary-breaching issues Marta has with intimacy. Emil repeatedly confirms what he’s comfortable with and she keeps pushing his limits. (It’s also especially nasty of her to demand Emil choose between Colette and herself IN FRONT OF COLETTE and the only reason Emil avoided giving the ‘wrong answer’ was because he didn’t understand the question and Tenebrae bailed him out. Like... it’s not nice to ask someone to pick favorites in front of the people he’d end up hurting if he said they weren’t his favorite, you know?)Also the part where Marta goes to sacrifice herself to save Luin that Lumenary talks about? I see that as selfish. When Emil asks her to hand over the core to save Luin, he doesn’t understand that removing it is impossible for her without her dying. Yes, he should have let her explain why she couldn’t hand over the core, but as far as he knew, the Vanguard - which Marta was part of - is fighting over this core and the entire reason Palmacosta burned was because of that and Luin was currently under attack for the same reason. As far as Emil knew, all they wanted was the core. And, as far as he knew, it could simply be removed and handed over... and once Tenebrae said she would die? He immediately changed his tune. “We have to tell her!” “SHE ALREADY KNOWS.” She didn’t try to explain again after Emil’s outburst. She didn’t say “I would hand over the core for you if I could, but if I try, it will kill me. And besides that, I think it’s better for us to hang onto it, since I believe what Tenebrae says about the importance of waking Ratatosk.” She didn’t try to explain or wait for Emil to calm down. She just saw he was angry with her and said “LOL, okay, I’ll go die for you. And once Emil realizes she will die? He immediately backs off of that idea, even though Tenebrae REMINDS HIM that the town will ostracize him for protecting Marta and the core. This reads less to me as a noble sacrifice and more like petty squabbling. “Marta, eat your broccoli” “But I don’t wanna!” “But you have to.” “FINE.” Eats broccoli and dies of allergy for SPITE. Now, I’m not saying this is how it’s meant to be read or even the correct way to read that, but it feels like she didn’t even try to explain to Emil again. It’s possible that she thought he wouldn’t listen, but the fact that he listened to Tenebrae suggests that perhaps if she’d said “Dude, it would literally kill me to remove this core” Emil might have said “Oh, yeah, nevermind, handing over the core is a bad idea.” Like... poor negotiation skills is not a trait I admire in Marta, regardless of if she turned herself in to be spiteful or if she never thought of another option or thought it would be noble. She basically just threw her life away without considering other options. (I’m aware the same can be said of Richter, though.)I agree that it’s nice of her to consider Magnar’s wellbeing when Ratatosk decides beating him to death sounds fun for no reason, but saying “Oh she has morals! Look!” doesn’t address my problems with her. I feel Lumenary has a fundamental misunderstanding why a lot of us dislike Marta. She’s a good person. We know she is. Or at least, we know she has morals and wants to help others. We have no qualms with that. “She does fawn over him, but Emil doesn’t stop her. He talks with Tenebrae about how he feels about it, but not with Marta. He willingly holds her hand in Asgard, but when he is VISIBLY embarrassed/awkward about it, she lets go. She’s not trying to make him uncomfortable, and when she can see that he is, she drops whatever she’s doing to try to make up for it. She may get carried away, but at the end of the day she tries her best to be considerate. That fact needs to stop getting overlooked.”I think Emil gives off enough of a clear signal that he’s uncomfy. Yes, it would have been better if he told her earlier that he was uncomfortable instead of just telling Tenebrae, but I feel like he was afraid of hurting her. But here’s the thing. When I was a kid, I thought tickling and hugging were all great signs of affection. I’d tickle and hug everybody. This made people avoid me because tickling isn’t pleasant for a lot of people. Not all of them told me to stop (and frankly I was a little asshole idiot who didn’t stop even when people told me to because laugh=happy to me so I was always just “why would I stop? We’re having fun!”) But just because they didn’t tell me to stop, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have noticed they were uncomfy and STOPPED. I’m not much better than Marta in this respect because it took me until adulthood as well to learn “Hey, stop means stop, no ifs ands or buts. Respect peoples’ boundaries no matter what.” But I’m also not your average joe. So maybe I’m holding Marta to an unfair standard since it’s one I also didn’t meet until recently but I feel like consent matters and since Emil wasn’t enthusiastic about all the affection he was receiving, she should have not only STOPPED when she saw he was uncomfortable, but she should have stopped initiating those activities as well. (Also, at least this is a reminder that they DO hold hands, but... it was kind of mandatory so they didn’t get sent flying by the wind.) Tenebrae really doesn’t help in this endeavor because he also shoves his nose into their relationship and rubs Emil's nose in the fact that he had to hold Marta’s hand and it was awkward. And yeah, she lets go when he asks but she teases him about it. Also IDK if I can call it “willingly” holding hands if it’s for their mutual safety. “Willingly” to me means that if no other factors changed, would he still do it? And he probably wouldn’t have held her hand if it wasn’t for safety. But who knows? Maybe he would have if she asked nicely? It’s hard to say. “Marta doesn’t really acknowledge it afterwards, only getting a bit jealous when Emil later says that Colette was soothing to be around. She tried to fish for compliments from him before and got nothing, but then he casually complimented Colette. Given that he’s her only friend in the world (besides her confusing relationship with Colette), and she has a puppy crush on him, I think it’s pretty understandable why it would make her feel not so great inside.” See, this is what I have a problem with. It’s not even just that she fished for compliments. She actively asked him to choose between herself and Colette. The fact that Emil can’t say anything nice to another girl without making Marta jealous is a little unnerving to me. Jealousy has a purpose and is a valid emotion, but if I was Marta, Emil complementing Colette would be my first sign that maybe he doesn’t like me and I should stop pursuing him. Also, yeah, it’s understandable that she gets upset that Emil is giving extra attention and paying compliments to Colette, but it’s no excuse to make it EMIL’S problem. Her unrequited love is HER problem.“When Emil and Marta end up in Iselia, Emil is extremely agitated from the get go. He makes rude comments, and has an overall bad attitude since it’s Lloyd’s hometown. Marta lost people too, and Lloyd took Lumen’s core, but she chooses to be the bigger person for the sake of their objective.” Double standard is intense. When Marta is being pissy about Colette, it’s forgiveable because she’s “confused and upset” about someone “letting her mom die” but Emil is not deemed “being the bigger person” for not hating Colette right off the bat. But when Emil is upset that he has to be around people who grew up with the guy that he thinks ACTIVELY AND MALICIOUSLY murdered his parents, Marta’s calm demeanor is read as “being the bigger person.” All that tells me is that Lumenary thinks that it’s okay for Marta to be petty because she’s sad someone accidentally killed her Mom, but Emil isn’t allowed the same amount of pettiness because someone ACTIVELY killed his parents.“When Emil finally tells her he doesn’t like the way she treats him (like a prince, etc.) she owns up to it and vows to change. She takes legitimate personal criticism and applies it immediately, and that’s hard to do.” It honestly doesn’t feel like that to me. She is less possessive of him, certainly, but she still doesn’t treat him as an equal. She treats him better, but it’s not enough. And it’s definitely not instant.“She changes her view and without meaning to, starts to love the true Emil. And she tells him that. She tells him, “I think that the real you is much, much cooler than the fantasy I had in my mind.” She acknowledges her flaws in this same scene but by this point, has actually already overcome a lot of them.” This takes her until the end of Chapter 4 to do, which is basically half the game.IDK, again, there’s a lot to like about Marta, but I feel like she doesn’t really begin respecting Emil until the very end of the game, and the interim is just an awkward slurry of her either being weirdly obsessive and creepy or her just... barely trying to change and treat Emil like his own person.

[lloydskywalkers]

terrorize y’all’s neighborhood

I can’t write short fics, you guys. I tried. 

Anyways, I know DOTD is the canon Ninjago-Halloween-equivalent thing, but I wanted to write about the ninja having a normal holiday, because in what world would Lloyd not love an opportunity to dress up and eat all the candy he wants?

(And the title is completely stolen from Thriller. Completely.)

Hope you guys are having a great holiday!

"Kai."

"Kai, look."

Kai rolls his eyes, glancing skyward briefly before turning.

Sure enough, Lloyd is holding a bloodied, rubber eyeball up to his own tightly closed one, his face screwed up in a grotesque expression. "Agh, my eye fell out!"

Kai leans one arm against the shopping cart, the other on his hip. "What did I tell you about picking stuff up we aren't gonna buy?" he says, even as he suppresses a snort.

Lloyd's expression falls, and he sticks his tongue out at him. "You're not fun," he grouses.

"I'm lots of fun," Kai says. "I'm just trying not to raise the Green Ninja to be a corrupt child criminal who steals bloody eyeballs from Walmart."

"I'm not stealing," Lloyd protests. "Look, I got it from the Halloween section, it's right there!"

Kai looks up and realizes that he has, indeed, made the crucial error of wandering into the Halloween section with Lloyd in tow, when they're only supposed to be getting a few groceries.

"Oops," he mutters.

"Oooh, look at all the fake blood they have…"

Kai quickly makes to drag Lloyd away before he's forever swallowed by aisles of plastic skeletons and cheap ghoul masks. "C'mon, bud, we've still gotta get stuff for meals," he says, as he tugs a reluctant Lloyd toward the food aisles. "We can't all eat rubber eyeballs for dinner."

"Aw, but they have so much cool stuff," Lloyd pouts, watching the Halloween aisle disappear forlornly. "What's the point of Halloween if you guys aren't even gonna let me celebrate it?"

Kai is only half-listening what Lloyd is saying, too intent on the scrawled shopping list he's got in his hand. He brings it closer to his face, squinting. Why do they keep letting Nya write the shopping lists? Her hand-writing is terrible, they should just appoint Zane as secretary from now on.

"-and that's why Halloween is clearly the best holiday in the entire world," Lloyd is still rattling on. "It's way better than those other dumb holidays, kris-ness, or whatever-"

"You mean Christmas?" Kai gapes at him. He shakes his head. "Boy, we're gonna have to change your mind on that one…"

Lloyd shakes his head. "Halloween is definitely the best, because you get to dress up and scare people, but most importantly you get-" He stops abruptly, eyes going wide as Kai desperately tries to drag them to the next aisle.

"Candy, Kai, can we stop, please, please please-"

"Lloyd, I told you, we're only here for groceries."

Lloyd groans, hanging off the shopping cart as Kai struggles to push it forward, kicking at Lloyd with his leg. "Just some of the mini snickers bars? The ones with little ghosts on them?"

"Lloyd-"

"I'll die without them."

"You've been hanging out with Jay too much," Kai huffs, dragging Lloyd up by his arm. "Look, if you're good, maybe I'll buy you a candy bar at the check-out."

Lloyd brightens immediately at that. "Okay!" He says. "What's next? Do we need cereal? 'Cause the cereal's right here. Can we get Froot Loops?"

Kai rolls his eyes, but he can't help but grin at Lloyd's enthusiasm as he practically tears down the aisle, the sleeves of Jay's old hoodie (that's still way too large for him) flopping over his hands again as he does.

The grin slides off his face as Kai glances back down at the shopping list, highly conscious of the tiny numbers Nya's scrawled at the bottom of the page. Those are painfully legible. He drags a hand over his face. They're not scrapped for money, per say, but after everything - the loss of basically all their belongings on the Bounty to the Devourer, the cost of keeping up with rent - they really do need to be keeping an eye on things, financially. They aren't terrible, but it reminds Kai uncannily of the days he spent struggling to support himself and Nya on the blacksmith shop.

It also means he can't buy Lloyd anything he wants - not even cheap little bloody eyeballs.

Kai glances over the list again, chewing on the inside of his cheek. They can't not get ibuprofen, that's a big no-go. Basic medical supplies are a must, obviously, and he can't skimp on the milk or Zane'll kill him. They could maybe skip the anxiety meds this time, but then Kai would feel awful if anyone had trouble-

"What's wrong?" Lloyd says, craning his head over Kai's arm. "Do we not have enough money? Do you owe some to somebody? Are we in trouble with the mob?"

"Are we - what?" Kai blinks. "The mob - no, Lloyd, geez. How do you even know about that?"

"Gene had an uncle in it! He said they would go yank people off the street, then they would like, steal their kidneys an' stuff if they couldn't pay you back," Lloyd says, gleefully.

Kai stares at him, mentally despairing. He finally decides to let this particular one go. "No, Lloyd," he sighs, wearily. "We're not in trouble with the mob. We're just…a little tight on stuff, right now."

Kai winces. How is he supposed to explain their financial woes to a kid? "Sorry kiddo, we probably won't be able to get those snickers today."

"It's okay," Lloyd says, with surprising nonchalance. "I know we're not super rich or anything. Stuff cost a lot. Before I was with you guys, back when I was on my own, I would try to buy food and stuff, sometimes? But it cost so much. Who even has that much money, anyways?"

Kai winces even harder, feeling the same frustrating mix of pained anger he does whenever Lloyd brings up his childhood thus far.

"-anyways, the point is, I totally get why people become bank robbers, because imagine if you had that much money, you could buy, like, so much candy-!"

"And that's our cue to check out," Kai says, a hand on Lloyd's back as he ushers him past the employee eyeing them suspiciously. "Didn't I say we were trying not to turn you into a corrupt child criminal?" he hisses.

"It was just a joke! You're never fun, geez-"

They get through the check-out line mercifully quick, and Kai's total ends up being slightly under budget, so he caves and buys them a snickers bar to split. Lloyd is seemingly pacified, so Kai decides it's a good time to bring something back up.

"Anyways, back to the whole 'we're tyrants who won't let you celebrate Halloween' thing," Kai says, as they pile the now-bagged groceries back into the shopping cart. "Where'd you get that idea? We're obviously going to celebrate. You can even go trick-or-treating with the other kids in Ninjago City, if you want. Or we can hit up Jamanaki, or Cole's hometown, I guess."

Whatever place is safest at the moment, Kai decides, as they head out of the store.

Lloyd, to his surprise, doesn't exactly look thrilled with that idea. "I dunno," he says, dully. "I don't really wanna hang out with the other kids. Can we just watch scary movies at the apartment?"

"What's wrong with the other kids?" Kai says, frowning. Lloyd isn't usually shy - maybe a little quiet around new people, but he's definitely not one to shy away from any opportunity to get candy, regardless of who's around.

Lloyd shrugs, looking down as he toes a scuff on the linoleum floor. "There's nothing wrong with them," he mutters. "It's more kinda...me."

Kai blinks, coming to a halt. "What?"

Lloyd gives a jerky little shrug. He grins up at him, a toothy one that shows his slightly too-sharp teeth, his red eyes flashing. "'Cause I'm the spawn of evil, duh, they all fear me!"

He says it brightly, still grinning fiercely, but Kai catches the slight waver in his voice, the fake edge in his smile.

Oh. Kai's heart twists.

He opens his mouth to give a rebuttal, fully prepared to insist to Lloyd that nobody even notices those things - and stops. Kai hesitates, thinking back to their trip in the store so far. You'd think, living in a place where literal snake people ran around constantly, red eyes wouldn't draw much attention. But living in a place where Garmadon is relatively well-known…

There'd been that shopper passing by who had done a double-take at Lloyd, her eyes quickly skirting away from his. Kai had shot her a death glare, and Lloyd thankfully hadn't noticed, but…still.

Kai's jaw tightens, and he feels about ready to bare his own teeth.

"You just…you just gotta show 'em it's nothing," he opts instead, trying to sound encouraging. Cole is usually much better at this positivity stuff. Or Zane. Or Jay, really, just anyone other than Kai. "Just be yourself," he finally says. "Once they actually meet you, they'll like you, no sweat."

"Just be yourself? What kind of stupid advice is that?" Lloyd glares. "You didn't even like me when you met me."

"Wha- that's not true," Kai says, frowning. "I-"

"You guys hung me from a roof!"

Kai cringes. "Ah, yeah…um….look, in hindsight, that was super uncool-"

"And then you all hated me for like, a month, until you found out I was the Green Ninja-"

"Hey, woah, now that's not true," Kai says, grabbing Lloyd's shoulders firmly, forcing him to look at him. "We definitely liked you before then, and you know it. But c'mon, Lloyd - you acted like a total brat, you know that, right?"

Lloyd huffs, but he nods, looking sour. "Yeah, yeah," he mutters. His expression falls a bit. "But…you guys are different. No one else has ever liked me. All the kids at Darkley's hated my guts."

Kai is dying, just a bit, on the inside. Like the I-Need-To-Light-Someone-On-Fire-For-This kind of dying, the kind where he goes out and does something stupid-

"Except for maybe Brad," Lloyd mutters, hand on his chin. "I think he sorta liked me, a little bit…"

Kai finally cuts in, his voice only mildly venomous. "Well, the kids at Darkley's were all little assholes-"

"Nya says you're not supposed to use that word," Lloyd says, suddenly very serious. He'd taken his "language learned at Darkley's is not acceptable language if you want dessert tonight" lecture very seriously, it appears.

Kai huffs. "Okay, those little jerks - they don't know what they're talking about. They're a bunch of brainless rock heads."

Lloyd gives a slightly happier giggle at that. "Like Cole?"

Kai gives him a side eye. "Be nice."

"Cole is way cooler than anyone at Darkley's, anyways," Lloyd amends.

"How about this," Kai says. "We all go trick-or-treating together, so if anyone decides to mess with you, I light them on fire."

Lloyd lights up brighter than the flashing electronic pumpkins next to them, and Kai mentally congratulates himself.

"For real?" Lloyd says. "You'll dress up and everything?"

"Cross my heart," Kai draws an x across his chest. "Now hop on," he says, patting the shopping cart handle. "I'll run and push us across the parking lot."

Lloyd whoops, hopping up on the cart.

"Okay," he says, as Kai puts one foot up. "I lied. You're sometimes fun."

"Oh, just sometimes, huh," Kai grins.

"On weekends, and holidays, and-"

Kai never does learn when else he's fun, because Lloyd is too busy laughing as they careen down the parking lot, shopping cart rattling loudly in their wake.

******

Nya thinks them all trick-or-treating a great idea, and she claims that she can make fake blood all on her own - so by the time Zane agrees with her, nobody stands a snowball's chance in hell of saying no to that particular team-up of puppy eyes.

Cole tries arguing that they don't have costumes, until Jay wickedly reminds him that they've still got the pirate outfits from the whole thing with Captain Soto and his men - but by that point, Cole isn't resisting much anyways. Lloyd's excitement is infectious, and it's fun to celebrate holidays with a family this big.

It's something none of them are quite used to, but it's welcome nonetheless.

"We're only sticking to this neighborhood, okay?" Cole tells them, for the hundredth time. "It'll gonna be crowded enough that I doubt anyone will notice it's us, and they're running a haunted house in the middle, so-"

"A haunted house?" Lloyd says, looking up from where he's finishing off the blood splatters on his own costume. "Can I take back what I said about Ninjago City being lame? This is awesome."

Lloyd, economically, has decided to as a ghost, which only requires Nya's old bedsheet, eyeholes, and a good deal of homemade fake blood splattered over it.

"I've gotta be a scary ghost," Lloyd tells Jay, seriously. "The more blood, the better."

"You got it, kid," Jay says, who's getting pretty liberal with the blood himself.

"You're a pirate, Jay, not a zombie," Zane says, ducking the drops of red paint that go flying.

"A zombie pirate," Kai offers.

"A zirate," Jay grins. Cole groans.

Nya's the last to dress up, and she's ended up going as a vampire, to Lloyd's eternal delight.

"You look like me!" he says excitedly, as Nya gives him a sharp-toothed grin.

"Yup," she says, running her tongue over the plastic fangs and making a face. "They feel kinda weird, because they're just lame fakes, but they look super cool, right?"

Lloyd's own fangs (which is a generous term) are tiny in comparison, of course, so they really look absolutely nothing like each other, but the megawatt grin he's got on - Nya's playing the long game here, and Kai has to respect her for that.

This means he's gotta get those snickers bars with the little ghosts on them later, though.

******

Trick-or-treating ends up being a lot more fun than Kai had been expecting - then again, he's never really been himself that he can remember, so maybe it's a new experience for all of them.

Well, except Jay and Cole. They're both far too invested in making sure they hit every single house possible.

Kai grins as he watches them head back from their latest house - Lloyd makes the cutest little terror of a ghost he's ever seen, swamped in the sheet as he is. Albeit a very bloody ghost, fake blood dripped gruesomely all over him. But he seems happy enough, flapping his sheet-covered arms around at anyone who dares get near them.

Well, he had been. Lloyd had discovered, much to his dismay, that it's almost impossible to eat candy with a sheet draped over his face - though there were an amusing few minutes where he had tried vainly to shove several Starbursts through the eyeholes at once. He's finally given up and shoved the sheet back over his head, where it drapes over him like a very bloody cape as he surveys his bag of candy. He's beaten them all by a ridiculously large margin, but that's just because they're all suckers who are slipping half their own candy into his bag the entire night.

"Hey, you got any chocolate you wanna share?" Cole says, reaching his hand toward Lloyd's bag.

Lloyd opens his mouth and snaps his teeth together. "I'll bite you," he threatens. "Like a shark."

"Ooh, Lloyd the Fangfish," Cole pretends to shudder. "Watch out, he's got rabies."

"I do not," Lloyd huffs, but he grudgingly hands Cole one of his Kit-Kats.

"Don't eat too much in one go," Zane reminds him. "You don't want to make yourself sick."

"Aw, c'mon Zane, it's Halloween," Jay says, through a mouthful of his own candy. "Lighten up."

"Hey, Zane can't help being such a mom," Kai says, slinging his arm around him. Zane shrugs at him good-naturedly, not hard enough to actually shake him off. "One of us has to be."

Zane rolls his eyes long-sufferingly. The moon dips behind a cluster of clouds, darkening the streets a bit, and Kai's about to suggest they head home - when a voice echoes across the street.

"Lloyd - hey, Lloyd!"

Lloyd's head snaps up. "Brad?" he says, almost incredulously, as the boy runs up to them, tugging on the hood of his own costume.

Kai stiffens, and he's distinctly aware of Nya giving the kid the stink-eye where she stands off to the side. Sure, Lloyd kind-of made-up with his friends after they lured them all to Darkley's and tried to re-evil-brainwash him, but years of being demon brats don't just go away (look at Lloyd). That, and Lloyd's words from earlier are still pretty fresh in his mind.

Kai narrows his own eyes. Lloyd can handle himself against one little tyke, but just in case…Kai isn't too opposed to shoving some kids in a trash can tonight.

Lloyd and Brad have gone quiet, carefully eyeing each other. Kai holds his breath as they size each other up. Brad was the one Lloyd said might have liked him, right? Maybe this can work in his favor, then. If Lloyd can just be chill for five seconds, then maybe-

"Your fake blood is lame," Lloyd finally says. Nya smacks a hand against her head.

Apparently, it's the right thing to say when you're an ex-evil hellion of a kid, though, because Brad immediately relaxes, jutting his lip out in a half-pouting scowl.

"Is not. Where'd you get yours, anyways?" He gives the ninja a wide-eyed glance. "Did you get it from somebody they killed?" he whispers.

Zane sputters as Cole claps a hand over his mouth, holding back snickers. Lloyd rolls his eyes.

"Nah, they'd never actually kill somebody. They're good guys, remember? Nya - that's Nya, by the way! - she made it."

"Cool," Brad says, looking a little less nervous. "Hey, Gene's over at the playground - wanna help scare him? We still owe him for the fake spider thing, right?"

"Oh - uh, yeah, obviously," Lloyd says, and Kai almost snorts at the gleam in his eye. Gee, you spend all this time trying to reform a kid.

The two fall into easy conversation - mostly plotting an unfortunate Gene's demise - as if they'd never been strained at all, and Kai watches as Lloyd runs off with him to the other kids, feeling a little abandoned and a lot protective.

"Just one little hair," he says to Nya. "I'll just singe one off."

"Kai, he's his friend, look," Nya sighs, gesturing at Lloyd and Brad where they're now tearing around the playground with several other kids (who are, no doubt, equal hellions). "They're just having fun."

"Yeah, well, I don't trust 'em."

"Well, Lloyd can always blast them across town with an energy burst, if they give him any trouble," Jay says, tossing a chocolate bar at Cole.

Zane frowns at him. "That's…not exactly the use of power we should be teaching him."

"What, you don't want Lloyd to protect himself from bullies?"

Zane considers the point. "Perhaps, if the situation called for it…"

"Great!" Jay stands up, linking his arm with Zane. "Then who's up for the haunted house with me?"

Cole takes a step back. "Nuh-uh, you know how I am with creepy houses. I don't do that kind of stuff-"

"You do with us!" Nya says cheerfully, grabbing one arm while Kai wrestles the other. Cole sputters indignantly as they drag him along. "Come on, let's see if Lloyd and his little demon gang wanna join."

******

"Welp!" Jay throws the door open with unnecessary dramatics as they pile back into the apartment. "We're banned for life. I hope you guys are happy."

"Hey, I wasn't the one who drop-kicked the chainsaw actor," Kai mutters.

Cole flushes. "I'm a ninja, I can't help it - it was reflex!""

"Was the high-pitched screaming reflex?" Jay says. Cole elbows him in the gut, and Jay snatches the candy bar from his hand in retaliation. Cole gives an indignant yelp.

"Hey! That was my last chocolate bar!"

Nya roll her eyes as she squeezes past Jay, who's loudly chewing Cole's candy bar in his face. Lloyd totters in behind her, half-buried in the pile of candy he's amassed in his bag. He's giggling manically, and the look in his eyes is genuinely more terrifying than anything Kai's ever seen.

"Pace yourself on that candy, alright?" Kai says, eyeing him. "I don't wanna wake up to you puking your guts out tonight."

"Nuh-uh," Lloyd says, through a mouthful of taffy. "I don' ge' sick from candy. S'impossible."

"That's what you said the last time," Cole says, snatching the bag from Lloyd's hand and ignoring his cry of displeasure. "That's enough for tonight. You can eat yourself sick again in the morning."

Nya strides by them, falling onto the couch next to Kai with a a thwump. Kai watches in amusement as she rubs a hand across her eye, smearing mascara and eyeliner across her cheek in a raccoon-like smudge. Nya notices his stare, glancing at her hand and huffing.

"Remind me not to wear costume makeup again," she mutters, as Kai snorts. "At least I didn't ruin it for the picture."

She digs into her bag, pulling out a slightly-rumpled but still glossy photograph.

"Not that it matters," Nya continues. "This is the worst picture of us I've ever seen." She makes a face, staring at the picture the workers at the haunted house had snapped of them before they went in.

Kai shifts on the couch so he's looking over Nya's shoulder, squinting at the photo. "Is that supposed to be Zane?" he says, pointing at the blurry figure on the right.

"May…be?" Nya says. "At least you turned out alright."

Kai grins at where he's taking up half the picture, Lloyd wrapped in a chokehold around his neck that could be considered a hug if generous, both of them grinning wildly.

"Someone's gotta bring the beautiful," Kai says. He looks up to where Lloyd is being accosted by Cole, having somehow gotten his hands on yet another chocolate bar.

"Lloyd, I said that's enough. Lloyd, don't - no! Stop!"

Lloyd's hand stills, the chocolate bar hovering inches from his mouth.

"Put it down," Cole hisses. The chocolate bar moves half an inch closer. "Lloyd! No!"

Lloyd shoves the chocolate in his mouth before Cole can blink. "Lloyd!"

Lloyd springs from the chair, cackling wildly as he runs. Cole tears after him, seething. "I'll use you as a toothbrush for the Ultradragon, you pint-sized punk-"

"I'm surprised Sensei Wu hasn't come in and killed us yet," Jay says, flopping down on the rug below Kai and Nya, fumbling with the remote.

"He went out for the evening," Zane says. "Which means you can scream as loudly as you want over the movie."

Jay chucks a wrapper at Zane's head. He snatches it easily, tossing it back at Jay. Their worn TV finally flickers to life just as Cole and Lloyd finally wind down, Lloyd looking a lot less gleeful with his decision.

"O-oh, too much candy," Lloyd moans, clambering onto the couch next to Kai.

"You puke on me, I'm tossing you off the roof," Kai says, but he wraps an arm around him nonetheless, pulling Lloyd against his side.

"No you won't," Lloyd yawns, eyelids already fluttering as the movie starts. "You'd miss me too much. Wouldn't ever have any fun without me."

"Oh, I wouldn't?"

"Nope. I gotta…keep you from getting boring."

"No worries on that one," Kai says, grinning. He bites back his own yawn, settling further into the couch as Lloyd nods off, curling up against his side. "No worries at all."

Lloyd is soundly asleep against his side in seconds, snoring softly. Kai's getting all sorts of looks from Jay and Cole, but he masterfully ignores them - for now. Nya's taken to nodding off on his other side, so he's kinda sibling-sandwiched at the moment. Upsetting them isn't worth putting Jay in a headlock tonight.

"Here," Nya suddenly whispers over the movie, waving the picture up at him from where she's using his shoulder as a pillow. "Wanna put it in your modeling portfolio?"

Kai maturely sticks his tongue out at her, but he still snatches the picture. "Nah, but I'll keep it as a reminder of what massive dorks you all are."

They settle back to watching the movie, and he glances at the picture again. It's a pretty cute one - not that he's gonna admit that. It's a keeper, at least. They really don't have a lot of pictures of their team, and hardly any at all with Lloyd and his disaster-haired self.

Ah well. He can take more later. They've got plenty of time.

[aion-rsa]

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 7 Review: Three Dreams Denied

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This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 7

The Simpsons season 32, episode 7 carves the turkey a little thin for a pre-Thanksgiving offering. “Three Dreams Denied” has all the makings of a full and funny meal for the whole family. But a half hour later, you wish there was more stuffing. The ballooning game hunters even miss the flying turkey in the opening gag, which ends with the couch so exasperated she tells the family to sleep on the bed.

Comic Book Guy’s “Comicalusa” experience is a wild ride from the moment the patronizing pilot taunts his passengers with Superman sightings. The owner of Springfield’s only comic book store then sets about doing what he was born to do, paying the mockery forward on every aspect of the things he loves most. Who was the Joker, he asks, before dismissively concluding none of them.

If only someday people like him could make fun of people like him for working at a real comic book organization — not DC, but a real one — he would be transported to a superheroic fate. This week’s featured Springfield resident’s question, the best question ever asked at a comic book convention, is quite good — Superman-origin-story good: Are comic book mythologies the new religion, and if so, shouldn’t comic books be tax-free? He earns a celebratory pretzel for that.

Comic Book Guy’s dream costume should be standard issue at any convention, it allows him to alternate bites between a choice of beverages, fries, hot dogs, and tacos, which loom large in his legend. A Krustyburger 100-taco-for-$100-weekend is the stuff of Doctor Who marathons, and here he is riding escalators with the Who’s Who of Doctor Who. But Comic Book Guy’s real dream is to work at Marvel — to be plucked out of a crowd of complaining fanboys and lord over the fate of the Avengers.

“Comicalusa” is Burning Man for nerds, twice removed because Burning Man is also really just for nerds. Here he is with his idols, creative geniuses who have all blocked him on Twitter. And Comic Book Guy freezes up. It really is unlike him not to at least give an impromptu ultimate nerd variation. He had two steps to get it together when he stepped into third position. It feels, though it’s not said, like self-sabotage. It is sad that Comic Book Guy is ultimately saddled with the “worst question ever” title, but it is a worthy comeuppance for the man’s whole back-storied attitude.

This isn’t Comic Book Guy’s first humiliation at the hands of his, for lack of a better word, peers. He’s been outclassed by competitors, guest panelists, wise-ass kids and people he’s actually trained. He ultimately is redeemed by the only person who could never outclass him because he barely knows the meaning of class, or homework or the difference between arts ‘n crafts glue and oatmeal.

Ralph Wiggum, coming off a loss for first triangle to an empty chair, is like a sticky-fingered Baby Yoda, offering inscrutable answers to Comic Book Guy’s universe. It is really a very subversively touching scene because what Ralph brings back up in Comic Book Guy is the bile which he malevolently bestows on kids just like Ralph on tap.

Lisa’s crush is presented quite musically. She gushes in the key of Eeee. But the fight for first chair is best played in a minor key, regardless of the seemingly meat-free-sweetness of her blue-eyed boy. But Blake’s (Ben Platt) adorable blue contact lenses are as fake as the vegan BLT he was bragging about.

For a final insult, his four-note honk in competition for the first chair saxophone part is a deliberately humiliating bad run which is only marginally better than Lisa’s. We don’t actually even know if he can play. He seems like he might be such an evil little boy that he will continue to throw hot dog water on anyone who dares to out-reed him, whether he can play or not. Lisa, whose love of the music can inspire mall stores to close for jazz appreciation, is addicted to playing for free.

Surprisingly this subplot has the most satisfying payoff, even though it’s the only one Lisa estimates cannot be fixed. The song that plays during the closing coda is an inspired variation on the song “Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)” from Annie Get Your Gun. It says so much more and ends with a big whoop. It is a highlight.

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We all know how much trouble the voice actors have been to the networks when it comes to The Simpsons, and the writers have some fun with it through Bart’s introduction to the game. “Who knew it was so easy to become a working actor?” the young vocalist says admiringly as he rakes in more money in one day than Homer does in a year. This isn’t the first time the boy has out-earned his father; it happens at least once a season.

While Comic Book Guy is away at the convention, he leaves the store in the hands of a veteran voice actor. The guy’s got a great repertoire from Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future to Scratchy from the “Itchy and Scratchy” cartoons. When he seals the deal with a classic, the rules of Cider House, Bart is floored enough to admit if he knew what that was he’d be even more impressed.

This is such a perfectly Bart line that it cements the character and leads to the chance to mock the network’s treatment of The Simpsons. Homer doesn’t believe a check from Warner Bros. Animation is any good. Bart is still getting his head around how any show which takes longer than a day to do a cartoon is trying to milk their studio dry.

Bart’s gender neutrality could have been mined for more comic possibilities. The mini-arc of him getting beaten up for playing a girl to proving how rad it is to be a unicorn-riding action figure who kills every adult on his show hits all the proper notes, but will it get him on a float on Pride Day? His accent is inconsistent, and his hetero normative tendencies freak out the bullies.

Fight as they often do, Lisa and Bart share some of the warmest moments of the series. Whether hugging as co-losers in hockey games or gaping in awe as Homer gets something right, they work best as a unit. When Lisa tells Bart he’s brave and should be proud of what he’s doing, it registers, but it feels more like he appreciated the dangerous aspects of playing a badass Queen.

The episode has its share of quick sight gags. It opens with Bart stuffing a chocolate bar into the cryogenic-plastic covering of a priceless comic. Martin Prince can be found shoved in the Springfield Elementary trophy case towards the beginning, and again hanging on a clothesline. When Comic Book Guy sees the opportunity to snatch and sell the rare, unopened, Radioactive Man toy he covers up his shrieks of pleasure by chortling into unsold Hulk hands. Good thing his girlfriend isn’t there to see that. The music teacher has to drown out the discordant cacophony of his band with noise canceling headphones and fistfuls of CBD gummies. The bum-not bug zapper is also an inspired visual.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

The Simpsons are always self-referential, but it gets very subliminal in “Three Dreams Denied.” Yeardley Smith, who voices Lisa, made a guest appearance on last week’s episode, “Podcast News.” She was very adamant about not mentioning the voice she’s most known for. This week, Bart is playing a voiceover actor. I’m sure Professor Frink could come up with some reason this somehow flays the laws of animation physics. This is probably why the episode falls short. No one episode of The Simpsons can handle the voiceover click-track continuum, smooth jazz and the ultimate question to ask at Comicalusa. It’s just too much.

In the past, The Simpsons could have borne the extra weight. They’ve always had cross plots, subplots and occasional mini-arcs which play out under the radar. Each of the three stories are strong, funny and have the pathos or peril needed to make them great. In that sense, “Three Dreams Denied” is very much operating in The Simpsons early mode. While the journey flies by without too many bumps, the episode lives up to its title.

The post The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 7 Review: Three Dreams Denied appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[itstimetowatch]

Leave it to Beaver

Okay, let’s do this damn thing! Here comes the pain!

Lloyd the reporter was Tara’s father on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Well, Keith’s DNA test results certainly took a lot longer to come back than did Veronica’s.

Music to match the meal is an interesting concept. I’m not sure why it has to match while making the meal, but hey, every character needs their quirks I guess.

Is it just me is does Keith seem decidedly not happy to have Leanne back in the house? Maybe I’m projecting, but none of that endearing little exchange seems to have impressed him even a little. I mean, I certainly couldn’t blame him for not being happy to see his habitually unfaithful, (supposedly-recovering) alcoholic estranged wife.

Cliff!

Dick and Beaver have a secret. What do they have to do Lilly’s death? I assume they’re someone’s alibi.

Keith, you can be a part of Leanne’s support system without getting back together with her. You and Alicia are happy together, so much so that it routinely grosses out your kids. Don’t throw away a good thing for someone fresh out of rehab, someone who isn’t even supposed to be starting/resuming serious romantic entanglements right now anyway.

But then, I’m pretty sure she didn’t finish rehab anyway and thus she probably didn’t listen to that instruction.

Heheh! Huge pregnant pause says, NOPE, it’s not what he wants. Keith, what are you doing?

Oh my god! That was horrible! I’m assuming the blood on Duncan’s face is from him cradling Lilly’s head and not from him trying to eat her brains. Like I know Duncan has problems, but I think zombie might be a little much. (It might also be another show by the same Executive Producer.)

(Yes, I already watch iZombie, before anyone asks.)

Also, the flashback very pointedly DIDN’T show him killing Lilly, which means that he didn’t but they think he did. So that’s why the covered it up because Duncan’s DNA would have been all over the crime scene and more specifically all over her body, regardless of whether he did it or not.

Holy Shit! This means it could have been anybody! Or at least anybody who could get into the Kanes’ backyard. Logan, Weevil, Aaron (one assumes), hell even my Abel Koontz theory isn’t that ridiculous, now. Well, I’m certainly glad I spent the better part of a day trying to puzzle all of that out for the show to throw a giant monkey wrench into the works seven minutes into the episode!

Way to have your priorities in line, there, Celeste. You’re more worried about being sued for the money that you know damn well that you owe than your son who’s just had his whole world turned upside down. A+ parenting there.

I take from his tone here that Cassidy doesn’t really like being called Beaver, which reinforces my theory that Beaver is a nickname that was forced onto him, presumably by Dick. And apparently, he’s here to break Logan’s alibi.

Wait, so it’s only been a couple of days since the last episode? Keith definitely could not have gotten that big a story published in only a day. Something that big, claiming an infamous death row inmate is innocent… that’s the sort of thing that has to be thoroughly, thoroughly vetted. You’re talking a couple of weeks at the earliest.

Uh oh! Weevil on a warpath!

So does this waiver against the Kane Estate apply to the Kane Scholarship as well? Or does this only apply to litigious matters?

So that’s a really good scene where the matter of Veronica’s paternity is settled for good. I can’t help but feel like it would have resonated more if I had believed, even for a second, that it was possible that it might not be true, which as you know by now, I didn’t.

Oh, Christ! Sheriff Shithead has a soul patch? I didn’t think he could get any worse.

So is Aaron tries to tell the cops they can’t come in even after they’ve shown him the search warrant? Is he being suspicious or just narcissistic? It’s basically impossible to tell with him.

So Logan’s a minor being questioned without a lawyer or a parent or any sort of advocate… I think Lamb really may have forgotten to read the manual. Logan could confess to every murder committed in the entire State of California in the last year and none of it would be admissible in court. Good work, dumbass. At least I know I’m not being overly harsh on you when I continue calling you Sheriff Shithead.

Oh, Logan, you can kiss up to Backup all you like, but I promise you he loves himself some Veronica. He’s attacked bikers and threatened muscle-head drug dealers for her. Don’t doubt for a second that he would floss his teeth with your skinny ass. Because he’s a good boy!

Oh, the days when naked photos were still a rarity! I’m glad this show never misses a chance to remind me of its age.

Speaking of... Veronica’s phone.

Water bottles full of (one assumes vodka). Called that!

You’d think after “An Echolls Family Christmas” people in Neptune would be a little more high security about their Help at big events, especially those hosting “The Governor” but apparently not. Apparently, a wig and some glasses are enough to get you into the Kane house, which only makes the suspect list all the longer.

The vent is already unscrewed? And someone is watching them. Someone else was trying to get into the air vent and Veronica dropping that platter alerted them to someone being nearby. Who else would even know to look there?

Aaron knows Lilly and Logan hide things in air vents.

Holy shit it’s him! Aaron killed Lilly and left her for Duncan to find. I mean, he probably didn’t know Duncan would find her, but y’know… he found her, Jake and Celeste found him, and we’ve seen how the rest of it plays out.

And apparently, I worked it out with one minute to spare! HA!

Is this flashback meant to be jittery or is my DVD messed up? Assuming it’s meant to be that way since the audio isn’t skipping.

This is the bridge where Lynn killed herself, isn’t it? This is bad.

Oh, I was wrong! This is bad! I suppose a final confrontation between Logan and Weevil was inevitable at some point, huh? Didn’t Logan even say exactly that way back in “Credit Where Credit’s Due”? Unfortunately, Logan’s all alone this time.

Aaron must be following her.

Oh, bullshit! How did Aaron get out of Lilly’s closet, through the house, and into Veronica’s car without being noticed by anyone faster than Veronica could walk directly to her car? He’s not a horror movie monster… I mean, he would make a good one, but this isn’t a horror movie.

Even sitting in the back seat, Aaron should either be dead or traumatically injured after that. If he’s big enough to break that seat back over, there’s no reason he should have stopped there.

Aaron punched through a sliding glass door? He should be bleeding profusely by now.

That was one hell of a brutal fight!

Stop fanning the flames, Veronica! Put the blanket on him and roll him!

HAHA! BACKUP, MY GUY! TEAR HIS FUCKING ARM OFF, CHAMP! Such a Good Boy!

Get fucked, Aaron! Not sure how he isn’t dead. Maybe he is a horror movie monster.

Hey, Alicia, glad you didn’t take getting dumped too badly. I assume Veronica told her that Leanne wasn’t going to be around much longer. You’re too good for any of this situation, quite frankly.

And once again, I have to call bullshit. That check would definitely have to have been made out to Mars Investigations, not Keith Mars, which would have made it pointless for Leanne to steal since she has nothing to do with Mars Investigations. It’s still pretty pointless, anyway. No bank in the world is going to just cash a $50,000 check and Leanne can’t deposit a check with someone else’s name on it. Also, in what universe would Keith not have taken that directly to the bank?

Cliffhanger! Honestly, I hope it’s Wallace. No one else has any business knocking on Veronica’s door at three a.m. I mean, sure it would be a total cop out, but whatever. Also, it’s fairly amazing that Veronica could wake up at that hour, considering the day she’s had.

How was that only one regular length episode? It feels like three or four episodes worth of stuff happened.

[watchingthesuperbowl]

Notes taken during Super Bowl XXX

PREGAME

This is another Channel 4 joint. Gary Imlach, Marv Levy, and Drew Pearson are the UK commentators.

Cowboys to receive the kickoff.

NBC had this game in the United States. Dick Enberg on PBP. Paul Maguire is the color commentator. Phil Simms is in the booth too, it seems.

FIRST QUARTER

First play is a pass to Jay Novacek underneath. Broken up by Carnell Lake.

Second down, intermediate pass to Michael Irvin. 20 yards, out to midfield. Irvin motioning that he couldn't see the ball because he was looking into the sun. Caught it anyway.

Michael Irvin can’t see.

Deion Sanders in at WR for the Cowboys now, so of course they hand the ball to Emmitt Smith. 23 yard run, to the Pittsburgh 28.

Third and long, jet sweep to Kevin Williams. Enberg calls it a reverse. (Grrrrr.) He's stuffed and the Cowboys will attempt a 42 yard field goal. Chris Boniol. Yep, got it. 3-0 Dallas, less than three minutes into the game.

NBC graphic: Team scoring first has won 21 of 29 Super Bowls.

Steelers heading into the sun in the first quarter. First play is a handoff to Erric Pegram for two yards.

Kordell Stewart in for Pittsburgh as a slot receiver. 1995 appears to have been the year of the multi-position star.

Steelers go five-wide on third down. Enberg says it's a revolutionary formation from the Steelers this year. That seems a bit overly effusive, no? I feel like run and shoot teams like the Falcons, Oilers, and Denver Gold would have gone five-wide with some regularity.

O'Donnell throws underneath on third and long. Receiver tackled immediately and it's a three-and-out.

Imlach asks Marv Levy how the Steelers should deal with the great Dallas offensive line. I love Marv Levy dearly - he's one of my favorite sports people of all time - but I think we've established that Marv doesn't have a bunch of answers for the Cowboys in the Super Bowl.

NBC graphic: Cowboys offensive line averages 333 pounds per person.

Maguire: Steelers say Cowboys' offensive strength is their run game. Cowboys say Cowboys' offensive strength is their pass game.

Aikman goes deeeeep on a post pattern to Deion Sanders. Perfect throw. Sanders makes the grab. 47 yard gain, inside the Pittsburgh 20.

Maguire: Aikman tells a story about practice, when he threw a pass to Deion Sanders as far and as hard as he can throw it. He was certain he'd overthrown Sanders, but when he went back and watched the film, Deion actually had to slow down to catch the pass.

Aikman to Novacek inside the 5. First and goal from the 3.

Next play, play fake to Smith, toss to a wide open Novacek. Easy score. 10-0 Dallas in the first quarter. Replay shows it was pretty clearly an illegal pick to clear space for Novacek.

Drew Pearson: Expect Steelers to pass more - need to open things up for the run game.

Levy: Novacek hid behind his line on the touchdown pass, lined up as a wingback right and crossed behind the line, and the Steelers lost track of him.

Maguire: This is a brand new field since the Fiesta Bowl. Players expected it to be tight, but they're slipping all over the place. Field isn't tight.

Steelers go no-huddle after a first down. Cowboys only have nine players on the field and have to call a timeout.

NBC promo: Next weekend, Gulliver's Travels starring Ted Danson!

Byron "Bam" "Choo Choo" Morris into the backfield for Pittsburgh. CHOO CHOO!!! Up the middle for six.

Third down, a pitch to Kordell Stewart. Short by a half-yard. What a weird call - why not just snap it directly to him, since he's a quarterback and stuff.

Steelers going for it on fourth and less than a yard. Kordell Stewart lines up under center and Neil O'Donnell lines up as a wide receiver. Again, weird. Everybody in the stadium knows you're not passing the ball to Neil O'Donnell. Why play with 10 offensive players? Anyway, it works. QB sneak.

Enberg: Bill Cowher is the youngest coach ever to take a team to the Super Bowl. 38 years old.

Third and 8, O'Donnell stands in and fires it to Andre Hastings. He has plenty of time. First down.

They go no-huddle again and the shotgun snap is about five feet over O'Donnell's head. Loss of 13.

Current drive: 11 plays, 24 yards, 5:07 and counting. 11 plays for 24 yards!

Last play of the quarter, O'Donnell to Corey Holliday. He's a rookie who had zero receptions in the regular season and, over the course of his career, had a total of one regular season catch.

First quarter ends. Dallas 10, Pittsburgh 0.

SECOND QUARTER

3rd and 13, O'Donnell rolls and is nearly picked off by Larry Brown. It's decision time on 4th and 13 from the Dallas 39. They'll punt. There are no good choices here, only choices that are less bad than others. Predictably, Rohn Stark blasts it through the end zone for a 19 yard net.

Enberg: Jay Novacek's mom collected aluminum cans all year so she could pay her own way to see her son in the Super Bowl. She didn't want him to have to pay for her.

Four passes in a row to Novacek. His mom's getting her money's worth.

Second and 10, Aikman to Irvin into Steelers territory for a first down.

Maguire: Emmitt Smith told his linemen that when they block, he doesn't want to see their stomachs. Just keep blocking straight ahead and Emmitt will find the hole.

Simms: Steelers are getting no pressure at all on Aikman.

Third and 5, Aikman is confused by the play call. Looks at the sideline quizzically, figures it out, and completes a pass to Moose Johnston for four and a half. It's a measurement, but it's almost certainly going to be short. He is. It's about eight inches short. Barry Switzer will go for it.

Moose Johnston gets it easily. Everybody expected Emmitt, Switzer crossed them up.

Aikman looks deep and Michael Irvin grabs it as he steps into the end zone. Offensive pass interference. He grabbed Carnell Lake on the way past him.

So what do the Cowboys do? They throw the ball to Jay Novacek. He's having another big Super Bowl. 19 yard gain.

Cowboy drive stalls there and Chris Boniol comes on for a 35 yard field goal attempt. Right down the middle. Three possessions, three scores for Dallas. 13-0, mid-second quarter.

During commercial break, Channel 4 plays a bit of the Navajo language broadcast of the game. Neat.

Drew Pearson: Players are probably using wrong shoes for this surface, there are a lot of slips. If it were me, I'd use Astroturf shoes because the ground is hard under the grass.

O'Donnell throws behind Yancey Thigpen on first down. Nearly picked off..

Pittsburgh goes three and out. Rohn Stark punts. While the ball is rolling, a Steeler comes from out of nowhere and clobbers a Cowboy in the back, sending him flying into the ball. The Steelers recover, but it's (correctly) ruled Dallas ball. That was weird. Pittsburgh players are flipping out, but c'mon. That was never your ball.

Levy says the Dallas player should have been nowhere near that ball, regardless of whether he was shoved.

Pearson: Steelers are confused. Don't know whether they want to run the ball or throw it. Dallas defense is dominating at the line of scrimmage and O'Donnell isn't hitting passes.

Greg Lloyd hits Emmitt Smith in the knee on a tackle on second down. It wasn't intentional. Emmitt is limping a bit.

Third and 10, Chris Oldham knocks down a pass intended for Irvin, who was behind the defense. Cowboys three and out for the first time.

Steelers take over at their 46. First down, O'Donnell misses an open receiver. Second down, it's a coverage sack. Charles Haley got him for a loss of 10. Third and 20, O'Donnell to Hastings for 19 yards. Maguire emphatically says they have to go for this. This is four-down territory, period.

A replay shows Deion Sanders completely whiffed on an attempted tackle on the third down play.

Fourth and inches, Kordell Stewart has no trouble picking up the first down on a QB sneak.

Second and 10, CHOO CHOO! Bam Morris blows through the line for around 13 yards. We hit the two-minute warning with the Steelers at the Dallas 30.

Third and 7, O'Donnell to Mills for six and a half yards. It's an absolutely horrible spot and the refs give Pittsburgh a free first down.

Enberg begins to talk about NBC coverage of this game on the World Wide Web, but Channel 4 cuts away mid-sentence. That was the first internet reference I've seen during a Super Bowl.

Third and long, O'Donnell finds Mills near the 5. Probably should have been overthrown, but it was a great catch. Steelers call timeout with 0:17 left in the half. They have no more timeouts. If they don't kick here, they need to throw into the end zone.

And they do exactly that. O'Donnell zips it through some traffic to Yancey Thigpen, who beat Deion Sanders. Deion shoved him into the path of the ball. Suddenly, despite the Cowboys' dominance, it's only 13-7. 13 seconds left - you'd think Pittsburgh squibs the kickoff and Dallas takes a knee on first down.

Cowboys run a reverse on the kick return. They get it to their 37.

Yep, Aikman takes a knee. 13-7 at the half.

THIRD QUARTER

Kickoff goes out of bounds. Steelers get it at their own 40 yard line.

CHOO CHOO! Bam Morris blows through tacklers like a freight train. 15 yard run gets the Steelers to the Cowboys' 35.

Steelers go five-wide on third and 9. Dallas blitzes and O'Donnell has to throw too quickly. Incomplete pass, so inexplicably they'll punt from the Dallas 33. Rohn Stark kicks it into the end zone because that's what happens when you punt from the opponent's 33.

Pearson: Steelers didn't really lose momentum on that drive. Didn't score, but they moved the ball.

Second and 11 for the Cowboys, the Steelers try to cover Michael Irvin underneath with a linebacker. Predictably, this doesn't work and Dallas gets 15.

Cowboys don't do much - just the one first down to Irvin - and they punt.

Steelers run on first down. Maguire says he cannot understand why the Steelers aren't running four and five wide receivers.

Second down, Kordell Stewart takes a handoff on a run/pass option. Doesn't have his receiver open, pulls the ball down and jets down the sideline for 12.

Maguire: Steelers are throwing plays away. I don't even know why they're running some of these plays. (Runs up the middle on first down, in particular)

Third and ten, Pittsburgh goes four-wide, Neil O'Donnell has plenty of time, and throws the ball right to a wide-open Larry Brown. He hit Brown right in the numbers. The problem is that Brown is a cornerback for the Cowboys. Brown returns it inside the Steelers' 20. First turnover of the game.

First play of the Dallas drive, Aikman to Irvin on the sideline. Steps out of bounds at the 2.

One play later, Emmitt Smith powers it into the end zone. Or so the officials say. He's clearly down before the ball crosses the goal line. Whatever. It's a touchdown. 20-7 Cowboys, middle of the third quarter.

Levy: Not sure the interception was a gamebreaker, but it's going to come down to how the Steelers respond. And the fact that they got called for a penalty on the kickoff return isn't a great sign.

Levy thinks Smith got into the end zone, for what it's worth. I disagree, but I respect Marv.

Pearson: I'm not saying the Steelers need to abandon their (run-heavy) gameplan, but they need to throw the ball a bit to open up space in the Dallas defense.

Maguire is still baffled by the Steeler offense after they hand the ball to Choo Choo Morris on 2nd and 13. They pick up the first down on third and long when Andre Hastings breaks a tackle.

Third and short, O'Donnell pitches the ball way the heck backwards to Erric Pegram. I really hate the call - going backwards to go forwards when you need a yard and a half - but he cuts it back for a first down.

Incredible catch by Ernie Mills out near midfield. He was wide open and had to dive with his arms fully extended to get to the ball. Miserable throw.

Fourth and yard and a half near midfield. 2:00 or so left in the third. Steelers go for it, run Choo Choo into the teeth of the defense, and he doesn't have a chance. Cowboys take over on downs, up 13 with 1:26 left in the third quarter.

...and they do nothing with the ball. Cowboys will boot it away after Rod Woodson makes a nice break on a third down pass to Michael Irvin. John Jett kicks it through the end zone.

Steelers pick up 12 on a first down pass to Mills. Deion Sanders, in coverage, tells his teammates after the play that was his fault, he should have done better. Third quarter ends, still 20-7 Dallas.

Pearson: Very surprised Cowher went for it on the fourth and one, particularly at midfield. Would have run a lead blocker.

FOURTH QUARTER

First play of the quarter, Choo Choo shows his nimble footwork. Dances to midfield.

One play later, Ernie Mills is nearly decapitated by Scott Case on a catch over the middle. He maybe drops the pass, maybe fumbles, but it's called a fumble. Tight end Mark Bruener recovers. The officials didn't seem to know what to do. It took them forever to make that call.

Later in the drive, O'Donnell scrambles, rolls right and finds Mills. Nearly picked by Larry Brown. He easily could have had three picks by now.

Third and short, O'Donnell to Thigpen now. Pittsburgh is moving the ball. A touchdown here and it's anybody's game. 12:00 and counting on the clock.

Steelers have to burn a timeout before a crucial third down play. That hurts.

What hurts worse is a sack by Charles Haley on that third down. Knocks Pittsburgh almost out of field goal range.

Norm Johnson attempts and makes a 46-yard field goal on a field with shaky footing. Nice kick. It's now 20-10 Cowboys. Steelers still alive.

Onside kick! Steelers recover! They've got it at midfield and coach Bill Cowher is PUMPED.

Enberg: 12th onside kick in Super Bowl history. Fourth successful one.

Steelers on fire now. Two great catches on the first two plays and they're inside the Dallas 30.

Third play of the drive, O'Donnell to Mills near the Dallas 20. Larry Brown hits Mills in the back and the receiver's knee twists. Mills is injured and the furious Steelers comeback has to take a break.

Steelers get inside the Dallas 20 on a punishing Bam Morris run up the middle.

O'Donnell to Thigpen, and the Steelers have reached the Dallas 5. Thigpen is decked by linebacker Dixon Edwards, but holds on.

First down, Morris to the 2. Second down, Morris to about the six inch line. He got royally boned on that call. He was in the end zone.

There's no such controversy on third down as Morris goes untouched around right end. He walks into the end zone. Suddenly it's a three-point ballgame. 20-17, mid-fourth quarter. (6:36 to be exact.)

Kevin Williams drops the kickoff and only gets out to the 12. Steelers fans in the stadium are going crazy.

NBC graphic: Cowboys have a total of 41 yards on their last five drives. They get 22 yards on the first play of this drive.

Second down, linebacker Levon Kirkland blitzes and runs into Aikman. Didn't tackle him, but blasted him backwards for an eight yard loss. Now it's 3rd and 17.

Incomplete pass on third down, Kevin Williams wants pass interference, the officials (correctly) say nope. John Jett will punt. The Steelers have 4:15 to get into position for a game-tying field goal. Plenty of time.

First down, Andre Hastings drops an easy one. He was wide open downfield.

Second down, O'Donnell hits a wide-open Larry Brown in the numbers again. Still a problem: Brown still plays for the other team. He returns it to the Steelers' 6. Looked like O'Donnell expected his receiver to break outside and he didn't.

Replay shows that if O'Donnell had thrown downfield, his receiver was so wide open that could have almost walked into the end zone. That's (probably) the ballgame.

Yep, it's the ballgame. Emmitt gets into the end zone on second and goal. 27-17 Dallas. That's Smith's 18th career postseason touchdown, tying Thurman Thomas for most all-time.

The Steelers need 10 points in 3:43. Not impossible, but certainly improbable.

First down, Andre Hastings fights for an extra five yards and stays in bounds instead of getting out and stopping the clock. Next play, complete to Corey Holliday. Holliday now has more catches in this game than he had in all of the regular season games he ever played combined.

Enberg: O'Donnell is #1 all-time in least interceptions thrown. Presumably this is in terms of INT%.

Steelers near the Dallas 40 as we hit the two-minute warning. Again, this comeback isn't impossible, but it's unlikely.

Maguire says he thinks Deion Sanders might take a year off from baseball if the Cowboys win this game. They did and he did.

Third down, Andre Hastings drops another pass. O'Donnell is limping after Cowboys DL Chad Hennings lands on him.

John L. Williams, one of the best receiving backs of his era drops a pass on fourth down. The ball was behind him, but he probably should have had it. Cowboys get the ball on downs.

Larry Brown named MVP. Was a 12th round pick in the draft, 320th player picked.

Aikman takes a few knees and the game ticks away.

Simms: The Steelers had many, many chances to win this game.

0:13 left, fourth down, and Dallas will punt because they have to do something. Dallas downs it with 0:03 left. The Steelers need 10 points in three seconds. Spoiler alert: They don't do it.

12th consecutive Super Bowl win for the NFC. (XIX-XXX)

Steelers lining up to throw deep on the final play. Why not, I guess. Brock Marion picks it off, not that it matters.

Final score: Dallas 27, Pittsburgh 17.

POSTGAME

Enberg: Pete Rozelle said his favorite Super Bowl was the 35-31 Steelers-Cowboys game in Super Bowl XIII. (For what it's worth, I agree and also have that game atop my list, at least through the first XXX Super Bowls.)

Marv Levy: Games in which a team has turnover differential at least +2, they win 94% of the time.

Imlach to Pearson: Are the Cowboys a legitimate Team of the 90s? Pearson: Yes, they're absolutely the Team of the 90s.

I think this is the first trophy presentation to happen on the field.

Jerry Jones: I want to tell all Steelers fans, and their owners and coaches, what a great team you have and how hard they fought tonight.

Jones: As talented as our players are, they're even more mentally tough than that.

Jones: Of my three Super Bowl wins as an owner, this is the sweetest. This was the closest game of the three.

Greg Gumbel to Switzer: Before the game, you told me whether you win or lose, you're not concerned what people think about you. Is that still true? Switzer: Yes, still true. I care about my family, and these guys are who I want to be with. The Dallas Cowboys.

[tophatsnap]

Nothing But a Man Ch 6

Hi guys! Sorry that these updates have been so sporadic. I have a heap written. Let me know if you guys are keen and I’ll keep posting :)

Phanty belongs to Leroux and Lloyd Webber.

Erik

I looked down at her in complete and utter fascination. How could this woman, this perfectly sublime and innocent creature be so forgiving of me, so understanding of my faults that she could actually bring herself to embrace me after all she had heard? I could not figure it out. Her words had completely disarmed me. All the hate and bitterness I had felt had simply melted away as she held me and uttered those incredible words...

'I need you...'

I had not hoped for pity or any sort of acceptance upon telling her those things; I just felt as if I owed it to her to speak the truth... or at least some of it. I froze as she willingly embraced me... it had been the first I had ever received and it was everything I had imagined it would be and more. Soon, I returned it; relishing in her warmth and trust. I wanted to speak, I wanted to tell her how much I felt... I wanted to thank her for what she was doing but all I could utter was her name. It was too much for me but I never wanted it to end.

"Erik." She said; my name, my loathsome name uttered from her perfect lips.

"Don't leave." She said.

That was all I needed to hear. If she wanted me there... that was where I would be. I would do anything for her. Anything she asked of me.

"No..." I said, my voice wavering more than I would have liked. No, I would not leave...

She smiled and held me again, head resting against my chest, arms around my waist. It felt so wondrous that I wondered how I had gone so long without this feeling... without her...

"This was my final performance for the week... so, you can stay late if you'd like..." Oh, how I would love to. I would stay forever...

Tomorrow.

I had heard of her plans with le Vicomte...

I had to mention it. I was being honest now and I had to get into the habit of it...

"Christine... tomorrow... in lieu of our conversation and... being honest." She looked up at me, almost afraid of what I would say. "You know that I heard your conversation with... the boy..."

"'...The boy?'" She laughed. "Yes... my conversation with Raoul..."

"Yes... well I know of your plans with him tomorrow. I won't pretend that I'm ignorant to his intentions... I just wanted to make it clear that I knew."

"Just as friends, I assure you... you don't need to worry."

But I could not help but worry...

"I appreciate you trusting me; letting me see him. I know that you used to be quite strict with what I did..." I smiled politely. Of course I trusted her. It was him I did not trust, and I was not comfortable with any of it.

"Will you stay though?" She asked.

"Yes... Of course I will stay." I said, almost admonishing her for asking such a trivial question.

"Alright, let's sit down." She said, taking my hand and leading me to the divan I had previously sat down on. I removed my jacket for fear of creasing it and sat back next to Christine...

Christine...

Never had I thought that such a thing would be possible. Perhaps it wasn't, perhaps it would end just as quickly. Regardless I would make the most of the time with her that I was permitted. I was reminded of Madame Giry, and her concerns.

"There is... something you should know as well."Again, she looked at me in fear of what I was about to tell her.

"It's nothing bad, I assure you. Well... it can prove inconvenient for me but, nothing to fear. Madame Giry and I are... acquainted."

"Really?!" She asked, utterly bewildered by the fact.

"Yes. I see no harm in telling you as long as you keep it to yourself. I'm sure that I can trust you as I have trusted her these many years."

"Yes, of course! Where did you two meet? How do you know each other?"

"A long story, I'm afraid. One for another time... I thought I should mention it because she paid me a visit earlier today."

"She did? So... she has been to your home?"

"Oh, yes. She quite rudely barged in while I was sleeping, come to that."

"Oh, she didn't." Christine said, covering her smile with her hands.

"Yes. I wasn't quite dressed either."

"Oh no!" She exclaimed, actually giggling.

"It isn't funny Christine." I warned, holding back a smile myself.

"It is... just a little bit." She laughed, now making no attempt at all at disguising her amusement.

"No!" I said, actually smiling. "It wasn't funny at all, quite embarrassing actually."

"Then why are you smiling?" She teased.

"I... alright, maybe it's a little funny... but I told you because... stop laughing at me!" Christine was visibly laughing now and I had to admit that it was infectious...

"I'm... sorry." She laughed.

"I... No, you aren't." I said, refraining from actual laughter myself. "I didn't mention this for you to make fun of me! She came to see me because she was worried about you."

"Worried?" Christine asked, wiping her eyes.

"Yes. She wanted to know of my intentions."

"Well... she has always been like a mother to me. I still cannot believe that the two of you know each other."

"Yes." I smiled, my eyes distant. She had also spoken of her worry for me but I decided not to mention it. She could see that I was spending more and more time with Christine and her worries were probably warranted. The more time I spent with her, the more I lost myself in the utopia; the perfect world in which I did not belong. With each passing minute I fell more deeply in love with her and with each passing minute I worried that it was too good to be true; that it would be taken away from me. I was well aware that If Christine changed her mind now, I would be utterly broken. And yet... I could not stop myself from giving her everything I had...

She took my hand in hers and began to remove my glove.

"Erik?" She asked as the glove came off.

"...Yes Christine?" My reply was almost automated as I watched her deft hands strip me of yet another one of my defenses.

"Will you take me down to your home on our next meeting?" I watched her remove my other glove and proceed to hold one of my hands in her own. I had already expressed my feelings regarding my home but I found that I could not deny her wish... She was now lightly tracing my fingers with her own and what little resolve I had was lost in her caresses.

"Y...Yes." I replied, still watching her hands. I don't think that she knew what power she possessed or that she was intentionally using it against me. Either way, I could not deny her. I could not even speak. Suddenly I realized that my home would be the perfect opportunity... I could at least cook for her as if it were an actual date...

"Does that feel nice?" she asked, watching my face.

"Yes..." I repeated. Seemingly it was all that was left of my expansive vocabulary. Nice was an understatement... and these were just my hands! She smiled, apparently quite pleased with herself and then suddenly, much to my disappointment, she stopped.

"Can we... Do you mind if we..." I looked at her.

"What is it?"

"I was wondering if you would mind... if we lay down." She asked.

"You... lie down...?" I thought about it for a second. I could not possibly lie down next to her, it was highly improper... wasn't it? Of course, nothing at all would happen... was there anything really terrible about simply lying down next to someone? Of course, I wanted to. Just the image of my body next to hers was enough to make me agree without hesitation but I had to consider her...

"Do you not think it... improper?" I asked her seriously.

"No I... I don't think so. We would just be lying down. Is it improper?" I found humor in the fact that she was asking me about social normalcy. Me. I didn't know any more than she did.

"I don't know..." I answered truthfully.

"Perhaps we should just try it then." She reasoned. "If neither of us is sure... then it isn't really wrong, is it?"

No... Potentially, it wasn't.

Christine lay down on the inside of the divan and I, next to her on my back. This was arguably the most awkward I had ever felt but I didn't want to be anywhere else. As soon as I lay down she draped her arm across my chest and pulled me closer. I had no idea what to do... never before had I been in a situation such as this. I lay next to her awkwardly until she instructed me as to what to do.

"Put your arm around me." She said, gently lifting my arm. Immediately, I obeyed.

"Sorry..." I said. Surely it was not for the woman to have to direct the man in what he was doing. It must have been tedious for her and I felt a complete oaf.

"Don't be sorry." She said quietly, snuggling closer to me.

"What are you doing?" I asked. Surely this was wrong... it felt too good to be right; to be... allowed.

"I'm getting comfortable." She replied innocently. "Just relax."

Relax. How could I relax? This had to be perfect; every action of mine had to be delivered with precision... I didn't want her to think me a fool. I had always been so capable. What had happened?

But I was able to relax. After a few moments of lying next to her it felt as if I had never been anywhere else, never belonged anywhere else.

"Are... are you free tomorrow night..." I began, surprised by my own courage. "...after you see the boy?" Why could I not ask to see her? She wanted to be with me... surely what she was doing was evidence of that.

"Yes." She said sleepily, pulling me closer. I smiled.

"Take me to your home." She said, she was falling asleep, she really was. What was I to do? Surely, I couldn't leave. I certainly couldn't stay where I was and fall asleep... what if someone found us? Worse, what if Madame Giry found us? Regardless, I wasn't in the least bit tired. No, I would simply have to wait until she was fast asleep and leave. It seemed a horrible thing to do...

"Christine..." I whispered.

"Mmm." She mumbled against my neck. Oh, how wonderful it felt.

"I should go..."

"No..." She said, pulling me close once more. "Stay until I'm asleep..."

I sighed. If I stayed, would I have the power to leave? But again... how could I deny her when she was so deliciously pressed up against me?

"Christine...?" I whispered. No response. Time to leave... How could I? She was so inviting, so soft... her face was almost buried in my neck, her warm breath tickling the soft skin there; unbearable but ambrosial. I was reluctant to leave but I could stay no longer, she was undoubtedly asleep. I slipped my arm out from under her, now fraught with pins and needles and gently stood up. She was beautiful... so beautiful.

Collecting my things, I checked my pocket watch; it was quite late, late for those who slept at night anyway. I decided that it would be quite a nice time for a stroll up to the roof. I did a lot of my soul searching up there; a lot of my big thinking... but I had never been up there in such a state of mind... I couldn't go back down to my home; not down there... that darkness. Not just yet. Not while I felt so alive.

Instead of exiting through the mirror, I left through the dressing room door; just as a normal suitor would have...

Normal.

I smiled to myself and closed the door behind me. I put on my jacket and cape as I walked confidently through the halls. I knew that no one would be awake at his hour and even if they were, no one knew the twists and turns of this building better than I. Slowly, I made my way up to the roof, stopping just above the auditorium. I walked above the stage as I had done many times before and found myself in the exact same position I had been when she had found me...

I smiled to myself, stroking the splintering wood of the rafters pensively, almost fondly. So much had changed. I moved my foot to adjust my stance when it was met with something on the ground; my lasso. I must have left it behind when I had let Buquet escape. I bent down to pick it up, and when I rose I was met with a voice.

"Ghost." It said. I turned around slowly.

Buquet.

"Is that a question or a statement?" I asked. I was somewhat surprised by his presence but not entirely. I had let him go after all and even then I had known it to be a faux pas... He had seen me. I should never have let him go. I could not help but toy with this man for he looked utterly ridiculous; pointing a knife at me as if he were the one in power. Even with the weapon in his hand, he looked utterly terrified.

"You shouldn't have let me go." He said, ignoring my rhetorical question.

"No, you're quite right." I said, walking towards him. He stepped back and raised his weapon. "I shouldn't have. I'm happy to remedy that though." I threatened.

"Not another step."

"Or what?" I asked. "I don't suppose a man like you could stop me." I had always loathed this man. He was filth; did not deserve life. I had seen him doing horrible things; looking in on the chorus girls changing, stealing... but worse, he had seen me. And I simply could not have that. How was it that someone such as him was permitted to live a normal life, a life above ground with all of the pleasures and rights of a normal man when I was reviled for the way that I looked? It was not fair... It was not just. It was time to even things out. I stepped towards him again with my lasso firmly in my grasp.

"Don't come any closer, Ghost." He said, waving the knife in front of me.

"Ghost." I repeated under my breath as I continued walking. He waved his knife again, lumbering forward and closely missing my arm. I looked at him and shook my head.

"I will kill you!" He jeered, his filthy brown hair falling in his face. "And when I do, I will find that Christine you love so much..."

Christine? The mention of her name distracted me momentarily and I lost focus. Buquet threw his knife in my direction but I managed to evade the brunt of it. I yelled as the blade sliced my side. Before I knew what I was doing, the rope was around his neck.

"You will not so much as LOOK at her!" I yelled as I pulled with all my strength.

After a few moments, he was still. It was done.

All of a sudden Christine's face came to mind; flooded my vision, my thoughts and every fiber of my being. Christine... How could I have forgotten? I had grown so accustomed to living my life without consequences, without having to trouble myself with the opinions of others that I had completely forgotten that I had something to lose. She would hate me for this. She would hate me. She would likely never speak to me again! What had I done?

I couldn't breathe... I stepped backward shakily, holding on to whatever I could in order to retain my balance. She would end it... This was the end. I had ruined everything. My heart was beating fast and I found that my cravat and collar were suddenly much too tight. I was suffocating. I had to get out... I needed air. I couldn't be in this prison a second longer. Hastily I made my way to the roof, holding my side and clawing at my throat in an attempt to let air in when, in reality I had more than enough.

I climbed the stairs, three at a time, stumbling here and there but never stopping. I had to get out. Finally I reached the rooftop, almost exploding through the door and falling to my knees in the snow. My head was spinning. My side was on fire but I did not care. It was not important. What was I going to do? I could not change anything... Perhaps she would not know? Perhaps I would not have to tell her that I was responsible...

What was I thinking? Of course I would have to tell her...

It was ruined and I had been the cause... I had known that it was too good to be true.

I held my head in my hands and wept. I wept unabashedly for what I had done and for what my actions would cause.

Christine... I'm so sorry...

So, it was destined to happen anyway... but what will change now that Christine and Erik have already formed a bond?

[leycaria-blog]

Lloyd of the Dance

IT’S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAS! Like hell it is. Personally, I think there should a blanket ban on all Christmas products and advertising until the first of December. Anyone caught violating it would be suspended upside down in a chimney until Christmas Day as penance. Of course I’m excluding advent calendars, but I think of them as advent products rather than Christmas products, and banning them until December makes them very difficult to use properly. Regardless, I think I’ve made the point that I maintain a steadfast attitude of Bah Humbug until the twenty-fifth is actually in sight, so you can imagine my outrage as the Christmas adverts started coming out of the woodwork.

I’ll start with a bizarre and disgusting advert that, to be honest, has nothing to do with Christmas. Yesterday I had the misfortune of watching Oasis’ new advert for a product they aren’t selling. They’re following on from that bizarre and disgusting thing a couple of years ago where an advert had two pretend strangers kiss for the first time in front of a video camera. I can’t even remember what it was advertising, but the clinical aura and the sense of unease it imbued in the viewer was difficult to forget, and in a bid not to be forgotten Oasis has gone for the same thing. Two strangers are asked to drink from a single Oasis bottle with a cap at both ends, one which isn’t even a real product. Surprisingly enough, this results in hesitant scenes, mostly culminating in both gagging and spraying a mixture of saliva and Oasis juice drink all over the room and each other. Unpleasant doesn’t quite cover it. I don’t even know what it was trying to say, that Oasis is so good you’ll be willing to ingest someone else’s putrid, curry flavoured mouth gunk just for a sip? I’ve no idea who though this advert might have been a good idea, because it really isn’t. I’ve never really tried Oasis, and I’m certainly not going to now that I’ve permanently associated it with the image of two people spitting on each other.

Of course, the Oasis advert is just trying to tie in to the current fashion in advertising, that of seeming friendly and promoting social unity or whatever. In theory, I don’t have a problem with people trying to bring a little more love and understanding into the world, but when the message is being put across by a multinational cooperation I start to lose my faith in whether it’s actually genuine. While the advert remains disgusting, I get the principle of bringing people together. However, when this is being said by Coca-Cola, who on a fundamental level couldn’t care less about togetherness provided people keep buying their cans of liquid sugar, my natural cynicism kicks in and I start seeing such adverts as little more than an attempt to sell more drinks by associating them with something that people want at that moment in time, which is all an advert really is, if you think about it. Usually I wouldn’t care, like when they use Star Wars to advertise toothbrushes or whatever Star Wars is advertising at the moment, but I do think that the world could stand to be a little more united so the thought of massive companies pretending to care just to make themselves even richer genuinely angers me.

In my eyes, banks are the worst offenders. I’m aware that I’ve had this little rant before, but I was out of ideas for this week so I’m doing it again. The bloody Lloyds adverts have been around for a while now, with their new slogan, ‘By your side’, which makes me want to wretch. I mean, they’re all crap, but the mental health one angers me so much I try to avoid it whenever I can. It’s a good advert. It makes an excellent point about mental health and recognising it, which I suppose isn’t surprising when you consider that it was made with Mental Health UK. If this was just an advert promoting mental health awareness I would fully support its broadcast, but I just can’t for the simple principle that it was made by a BANK. Banks are not ‘by your side’. Banks are the wretched monoliths which tower above capitalism like volcanoes, just waiting to burst and pour rock and fire down on the poor people below. Banks are businesses. They can dress themselves anyway they want, put silly hats on or wrap themselves in sheep’s wool but the fact remains, they don’t care about you. They don’t care about your family, your health or your mental health. It makes no difference to them whether you live or die or are sold into slavery providing you keep giving them money. I’m well aware that there’s probably a significant number of people in the UK suffering from mental health problems because of Lloyds’ bringing them to financial or physical ruin. They don’t care about people, they care about profit, so pretending to have such noble goal doesn’t endear them to me, it just drives my ire as they profane something so worthy of respect. I suppose the slogan isn’t too inaccurate after all. If you sign any contract with Lloyds, they will be by your side for life. They’ll follow wherever you go, keeping to the shadows and just biding their time, waiting until either the world destroys you or they do so they can siphon off whatever’s left of your life as profit. By your side indeed.

All right, now you know quite how angry I am at the moment, let’s finally hit Christmas. John Lewis! Ever since that incredibly trite advert a few years ago with the boy and the baked beans the world has been watching your Christmas advert, and they’ve been going downhill from what wasn’t a high summit in the first place. This year they decided to cut all ties and do nothing to do with Christmas or John Lewis, instead showing a two minute trailer for an upcoming Elton John biopic. The implication is that if you buy something like a piano from John Lewis for Christmas, the recipient may then metamorphose into Elton John. It’s completely ludicrous. John Lewis only started selling pianos this year, just to get their advert to make sense. You get the feeling that they booked Elton John for the job then just sat back and watched a Flog It marathon. “Ought we try to write something for this year’s Christmas advert?”                                         “Nah. We’ve got Elton John.” I find it hard to believe that the planning of the advert went any other way. It’s a film about Elton John. That’s it. They end with the tagline – ‘Some gifts are more than just gifts’, which is true, but ignores the fact that 99.99% of gifts are. They certainly are if they come from John Lewis, they even have a section of their website labelled ‘Gifts’. I’m not even going to touch on how clicking that brings you to a rather sexist page for ‘Gifts for her’ and ‘Gifts for him’. I don’t think my poor laptop would survive.

Sainsbury’s! Oh no, just because John Lewis’ efforts were pitiful doesn’t mean you’re getting away with it. Sainsbury’s decided to copy John Lewis’ advert from earlier this year, the one with the school production, only they changed the song from Bohemian Rhapsody to the New Radicals’ You Get What You Give, which when you listen to the lyrics seems an interesting choice. It followed that pattern we saw in Love Actually and those dire Nativity films, where the school nativity becomes an amazing festival of music and amazing costumes that stirs the soul. In many ways it just seems mocking to actual parents who have to go to real nativity productions, which are inevitably just half an hour of four year olds with dish cloths on their head wandering about among other four year wearing bad cow suits and singing simple songs very quietly. To be fair, I’m only talking about the final number of the nativity in Love Actually where the girl comes out and sings All I Want for Christmas is You. The rest is more true to life, and the finale is played for comic effect. Just to be clear, I LIKE that film. My word, you’re unlikely to ever hear me say that in this column again.

Having said that, I actually don’t mind Tesco’s advert. It does what it needs to, shows lots of attractive food and just generally gives a sense of festive relaxation. It’s not a master class in film making, it isn’t going to shatter the earth, but it’s certainly the best offering so far. It does what was asked of it. Oh yes. You’ve seen it coming haven’t you. I’m getting ready. In less than one sentence I’m now going to segue into The Apprentice! The link of course being that Jackie and Khadija completely failed to do what was asked of them in the hairdresser’s courtyard during this week’s gardening task. Rather than jet wash the place as requested, they poured water on the floor and then brushed all of the dirt that had lifted from under the plant pots into the centre. It was not a good showing. They are ridiculously lucky that their team won. Khadija didn’t even seem to understand how a leaf blower works, and I don’t mean the mechanics of it, I mean that it blows leaves. I’ve no idea how long she spent in that courtyard blowing leaves around, but given that there was nowhere for the leaves to go, the fact that she tried at all indicates a condemnable fault in reason. Did she think that a leaf blower blew leaves out of existence? Then Jasmine and Sabrina claimed to have renovated a rooftop by painting odd planks of a bench yellow and dotting Homebase plants about in their sale pots. I hope they at least took the prices off.

To be honest, I don’t think that Kayode deserved to be fired. There were people on the other team who were far more deserving. However, he did dress up in a daffodil hood and call himself the sunflower guy, which is difficult to ignore, and he had a howler in the pitch last week, even though it wasn’t explicitly his fault. So farewell Kayode. You weren’t useless, but you were rubbish.

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“The Shining” (1980) Review

Welcome back! This is going to be the first full movie review. Hopefully you have already listened to Season 1 – Episode 2 of “Here’s Johnny” and heard what both Justin and I had to say on this film. I am so very happy that this was the first movie we reviewed, not only because it is a personal favorite, but Kubrick is such a brilliant filmmaker and there is so much to dissect with this film. So before we start the review, let’s discuss some of the more important notes about the development and production of this horror classic.

This movie is based off of the novel of the same name, written by Stephen King. After the commercial failure of his last film, Kubrick needed to make a film that would be more financially successful but that would also allow him to flex his artistic ability. He decided to do a horror film, and for inspiration he locked himself in his office with a stack of horror novels and started his way through them. According to his secretary, there were constant slams against the wall as Kubrick discarded whatever book he was reading because it was not what he was looking for. However, the slams stopped and Kubrick emerged hours later with “The Shining” in his hand. According to Kubrick himself, the reason he chose the text was that “there’s something inherently wrong with human personality. There’s an evil side to it. One of the things that horror stories can do is to show us the archetypes of the unconscious, we can see the dark without having to confront it directly” (from Stanley Kubrick: The Complete Films by Paul Duncan). Kubrick did take a lot of artistic variance from the book, and although this allowed him to leave a great deal more to interpretation it also upset some people, including King himself.

A fun note in regards to casting; Kubrick’s top choice was the man who eventually took the role, Jack Nicholson. Others who auditioned for the role included Robert DeNiro, Harrison Ford, and Robin Williams. It blows my mind to try and imagine this movie with Robin Williams playing Jack Torrance. Stephen King is on record saying that he would not have picked any of these actors (B105FM in 2007).

Principal photography took place over a year, and each day is said to have been extremely long. Kubrick is known for his meticulousness and getting the exact shot he sees in his head. This is where some of the stories about the tensions between the actors and Kubrick arise. Kubrick apparently made changes to the script almost daily, and for anyone who has ever acted before it is obvious how frustrating that can be. Nicholson stopped even reading the new scripts and would just memorize lines or improvise right before shooting a scene. Shelly Duvall had an even more difficult time. She and Kubrick constantly argued, over the script, over the delivery of her lines, and her overall acting skills. Allegedly this fighting became so severe that she became physically ill and even started seeing her hair fall out. The scene where Wendy finds Jack’s manuscript was shot many, many times. This was not only due to Kubrick looking for a specific acting performance from Duvall, but also because he had different manuscripts each in a different language and with that language’s version of “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” (from Chris Hooton at the Independent, January 2017).

“The Shining” was also one of the very first films to use ‘Steadicam’. Steadicam allows a camera operator to maintain a steady shot regardless of his movements or any rough terrain. Garret Brown, the inventor of the Steadicam, was very intrigued by what Kubrick was using his new technology for with this film. So much so, that Brown became heavily involved with the filming and still proclaims the master vision of what Kubrick sought to place on film (from the audio commentary on the 2007 DVD release). The final budget was $19 million and the film made $44.4 million in the box office.

Plot:

I am not going to go into an in-depth discussion of the plot of the film. If you want that, listen to the podcast, go to Wikipedia, or WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE! Needless to say, it’s a great film with a whole lot to discuss. First, I am going to highlight some pros for the film, and then I am going to look at some cons. The film is great. There is a reason why it’s not only considered one of the best horror films, but also one of the best overall films of all time. The script is tight, the acting is brilliant and the tension throughout is palpable. I have also found that the older I get, the more I start to understand what happens to Jack Torrance. When you watch this as a kid, his craziness is scary but hard to relate to. However, as you mature and life starts showing you its hand, it becomes apparent that it would not take too much to take a normal man and turn him crazy. This film is also my favorite kind of horror film, because of how easy it is to see a situation like this taking place in real life.

It is important to note that the plot is not perfect, and those imperfections are far more apparent when watching the film critically. The injury timeline is a little screwy. Wendy tells the doctor at the beginning of the film that Jack hurt Danny five months prior to the start of the movie. However, when Jack is telling the ghostly bartender Lloyd about why his wife hates him, he says the injury took place three years prior to the events in the film. Although it can be explained away that Jack is starting to lose his grip on reality and his view on time is screwed up. And Kubrick is not one to let an error like that fly. But it is never addressed as such and I truly believe it was an oversight. I also feel that Dick Halloran was wasted as a character. I truly don’t see the reason why they brought him all the way from Miami just to kill him. He doesn’t even get to interact with any of the characters and his arc never develops. The film would have been better off having some random forest ranger come up and see what was going on at The Overlook. The furry scene is another that I find out of place. There isn’t a lot of setup for it, and it doesn’t fit in with the rest of the ghostly sights Wendy is seeing as she flees the hotel. It is iconic, I just don’t think it is necessary. Next, I feel the use of the N word is unnecessary. It might be that living in 2018, the word is so far from normal context that when I heard it used in the film I was immediately taken out of the scene. I also don’t think they can even use the excuse “it was a different time” because the film was released in 1980 and it was already established that it was taboo. Finally, my biggest problem is how fast Jack devolved mentally. The film had five months to play with, and for some reason they decided to use less than two for Jack to completely lose his mind. I think that the film would have been better suited to allow more time to pass to make Jack’s devolution make more sense.

With all this in mind, I gave plot 8.5 out of 10.

Cinematography:

I believe that this is one of the best films to use when justifying Kubrick’s genius as a filmmaker. There are three scenes in particular that I find illustrate this best. The first is the opening scene, with Jack driving up to The Overlook. It is shot from a helicopter, and shows Jack’s car driving on the mountain roads, surrounded by nothing but wilderness. It lets the audience know right away, without any need to speak words, that the family is isolated and that there is NO ONE around. The second scene takes place after Wendy finds Jack’s manuscript and his craziness is brought to light. Jack has his back to the large windows in the room and since this scene takes place midday, his face is hidden in the shadow. Wendy however is facing the windows and the light is illuminating her. And it’s as simple as that. Jack is shadowy because he is no longer the man we first met, and Wendy is in the light because she is finally seeing what the hotel has done to her husband. It’s a brilliant piece of directorship. Finally, the last scene that I really feel show why this film is a work of cinematic genius is when Jack is cutting down the bathroom door. The film is shot with Steadicam, so throughout the rest of the movie there are no shaky shots. But when Jack’s axe hits the door, the camera shakes. Each time. This is used to make the audience FEEL how hard Jack is hitting the door through camera work. It is so flawless, that the audience may not even notice.

This is why I give cinematography a 10 out of 10.

Audio:

I also strongly feel that the overall audio of this film is exquisite. One scene that illustrates this is Danny riding his tricycle throughout the hotel. When he is riding on the carpet, it is quiet. But the moment he hits the hard wood, the sound changes. It is abrupt but it is what it would sound like in real life. And again, when Danny goes from the hard wood onto the carpet it is silent again. It would have been so easy to ignore this, but Kubrick knows how important it is to hit the small details. Another audio aspect that I love is the main score. It is brilliant. If for some reason you don’t know it, go listen to it on YouTube. It will speak for itself. I also really enjoyed the “buzzing” that takes place periodically throughout the film. The buzzing will build throughout the scene, and sometimes it will lead to a scare and other times it will lead to nothing. It keeps the audience constantly guessing about what is actually going to happen. The last thing that I think is very important when discussing the audio quality of this film is Jack Nicholson’s delivery. At the start of the film he is articulate and charming. As the film goes on and Jack loses his mind, his speech devolves as well. Ultimately, he is reduced to grunts and screams.

Not surprisingly I gave audio a 10 out of 10.

How Scary is it?

When discussing how scary this film is to me, I feel I have to talk about how scary I found it when I was a kid and then as an adult. The first time I watched this movie, the horror came from the things that were scary to Danny. It is very easy to see how the events that take place in the movie could scare a kid. A rotting corpse attacking you in an abandoned room, two little girls that want you to play with them forever and ever and sometimes appear chopped into bits. Blood rushing down an elevator shaft and filling the hallway. And probably most terrifying of all, your father wanting to murder you. I think every son has a very basic fear that they are not good enough for their dad, and to have it realized in such a malevolent way is brutal for a young kid watching this movie.

As an adult, the fear comes from seeing what happens to Jack. It would be terrifying to be isolated in such a manner as the family is in this film. And to not only be isolated, but to feel yourself losing your grip on reality. To start questioning what is going on around you. To have your wife blame you for something you (think) you could never do again. And probably most basic of all, not being able to trust the one you love while dealing with all of this. This may not be the same kind of fear one experiences when watching a movie like “The Conjuring”, but the fear is one you feel deep in within yourself.

But even with all of that this movie is not all that scary, and modern technology prevents a modern audience from relating as well. Internet and cell phones make the idea of isolation seem so foreign, even when stuck on a snowy mountain.

This is why I rated this section the lowest. 7 out of 10.

Final Grade:

Out of 40, I scored “The Shining” 35.5. This gives the film an 89%, or a B+ which I feel it richly deserves. Even though the film may not be all that scary, the cinematography and acting make it more than worth the dollar it takes to rent on Amazon.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

The email problem no one is talking about: mistaken identity

This post is part of Me, online, Mashable's ongoing series digging into online identities.

In 2009, a San Francisco web strategist named Tim — last name withheld for reasons that will become clear — opened his Gmail to find a message from a Build-a-Bear workshop in St. Louis. The email was addressed to someone called Tamara. 

That's odd, thought Tim, but thought little more about it. Days later he received an email directed at someone called Toby. It contained photos of a family eating an Easter meal with, his correspondent assured him, "lots and lots of BACON!" 

SEE ALSO: Everyone's getting new Gmail — and old Gmail will soon go extinct

So far so mundane. But the misdirected emails — for Tyrells, Terrys, Thomases — kept coming at an alarming rate. They often contained the kinds of things you really don't want shared with strangers: hook-up notes ("I got a bottle so we could drink and I'm putting on a dress"), medical records, divorce papers, real estate deals, demands from a debt collector, a request from a police officer for his license plate, even an autopsy report. 

Tim keeps a folder in his Gmail now, purely for the more random, weird, indiscreet ones he's received over the last nine years. The folder currently contains 1,355 messages. 

"At first I would write back and say 'you have the wrong email,'" says Tim. But sometimes the correspondent would keep bugging him: Okay, what's the right email? The debt collector kept hounding him regardless. These days, with the misdirected emails coming at the rate of one a day, he simply deletes or sends them to spam.

Cases of mistaken identity like this are becoming more common as more people around the globe acquire email addresses — and more of their correspondents misremember or mistype them. But so far as we know there are no email providers, much less startups or security researchers, working to solve the problem. Unlike with spam, there isn't even a catchy name for it. 

For many recipients, the problem is amusing at best and irritating at worst. Some misdirected emails can even be useful. (One Mashable editor receives regular discount coupons from a liquor store intended for someone else; she invariably uses them.) 

a funny thing unconnected to anything else i have tweeted about this week is that someone named Alexis Mull apparently used my gmail (amull85) to purchase a background report on someone named Tiffany from a sketchy people-finder site and it got emailed to me today

— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) June 7, 2018

Yet the risk is real. Not just the risk of personal embarrassment when a stranger sees your family photos or love notes, but the risk of identity theft when they see your bank records, mortgage application, divorce decree, or any other of the astonishing amount of personal documents we send via the internet these days. 

Examples are everywhere. You don't have to look very far on message boards for Microsoft or Apple to find people locked out of their accounts when a security code was sent to the wrong address. In 2016, the National Australia Bank admitted sending emails containing account numbers for some 60,000 customers to the wrong address. The cause? "Human error."  

No confirmation required

I could empathize with Tim's problem because it was mine, too. We'd both heard about the arrival of Gmail before it launched in April 2004. We'd both rushed on day one to grab Gmail accounts based on our first initial and last name. We both celebrated our good fortune at the time, not realizing the tangled web that would await years later when you have a common initial-last name combo.

For me, it's been a long decade and a half of fielding emails for what seems like every Chris, Charles, Cynthia, Claire, Clare, Christian, Catherine and Cheryl Taylor on the planet. I'll often wake up to discover a flurry of follow-up emails from auto dealerships in North Carolina — this seems to happen in the Carolinas more than other states, for some reason — and surmise that yet another Charles Taylor has gone car shopping and misremembered his email address. (Or worse, he deliberately fobbed those pesky salesmen off with a Gmail address that sounded like it could be his.) 

Like Tim, I've given up trying to respond and mark most of these emails as spam, even though that doesn't quite describe what they are. And even that doesn't fix the problem, because there are invariably more email newbies making fresh mistakes. It isn't the greatest thing for productivity; I probably spend a good half-hour of every day extracting misdirected missives from my poor beleaguered inbox.

If that's all it was, I'd be relatively fine with it. The even larger problem is this: Many popular online services don't require proof that your email says what you say it is — or they treat "ctaylor" and "c.taylor" as different addresses, whereas mail providers like Gmail treat them as one and the same. 

That means you can sign up for Instagram, say, with someone else's email address, and they'll be hit with annoying messages from that day forward. Years ago, someone signed up for Instagram with my email address — or at least, the c.taylor version. Occasionally they'll try to log in, and guess where the reset code is sent? 

PSA: My actual Instagram account is @futurechris.

Image: gmail

Meanwhile, someone named Lloyd Taylor successfully signed up for an Apple ID using my Gmail address. (I used a pre-existing account for my Apple ID.) He requests a password reset that gets sent to my email with such regularity, about once every two weeks, that I assumed it was part of some elaborate phishing expedition. 

To its credit, when I contacted the company for this story, Apple was able to confirm that Lloyd is for real. As I write, Apple reps are going through the process of disentangling my address from his account. 

How common is this problem? I asked Twitter, and 56% of those who replied said they'd never encountered it in their own digital lives. But that means a whopping 44% did. 

[POLL] Have you ever received a private email intended for someone else with a similar name or email address?

— Chris Taylor (@FutureBoy) June 14, 2018

Granted, it's not a scientific poll, and more study is needed. But given that there are an estimated 4 billion email accounts in the world (owned by roughly 2 billion people), if 10 percent of people are encountering this problem "all the time," that's up to 200 million people affected. This is a hell of a problem for something that doesn't even have a name. 

I’ve written back when I received an email about a job offer for another Heather, emails where a woman with a catering business thought I was her colleague; emails regarding family reunions; and one time when I got a very personal email with an apology meant for another Heather.

— Heather Lynn Weaver (@HeatherWeaverDC) June 14, 2018

I also get a lot of order confirmations from various websites for Heather Weavers across the country. I don’t contact the companies when i get those (though they often have personal info like address and phone). I also got medical records from a dr office once. I wrote back there

— Heather Lynn Weaver (@HeatherWeaverDC) June 14, 2018

I didn't even have to look that far. My wife Jess has a similar issue, even though she doesn't have a common last name like me or Tim. And she was smarter than both of us, reasoning at the time that merely using her first initial in the account would bring her more misdirected email than she bargained for.

Then in 2010, a woman with the exact same name in Vermont, evidently disappointed by being beaten to the account, signed up for an email using "Jes" rather than Jess. Ever since, it seems, almost everyone emailing that Jess reached my Jess by mistake — especially since the rise of autocorrect. 

West Coast Jess has received dozens of wedding planning emails, job applications, rental contracts, Comcast logins, orthodontic and hospital appointments for Vermont Jess' kids, and a hospital ID login. She emailed "Jes" directly, who didn't seem to see the problem. She tried emailing her correspondents, but found the same thing that Tim and I discovered: Whereas you can say the words "wrong number" and people will understand you when they call, you don't get the same reaction when you write back and simply say "wrong email." 

"People think you're crazy for pointing it out," Jess says. "They're adamant that they've reached the right person."

This is where technology could help. Gmail has a button that lets us easily report spam — and unsubscribe from annoying lists — with two clicks. How about a button that will have Gmail write a form letter back to the correspondent, explaining that they have not reached the person they think they've reached, to check their records and try again, and maybe don't hound this person for debt payments?

It's an interesting concept, but we're going to have to wait to find out whether Google is interested in implementing it. When I contacted the company for this story, I was told that the Gmail product team is "all heads down" in advance of Google Cloud Next, a conference that isn't happening for another month from now, and an official "no comment." 

If and when Gmail and other email providers get around to implementing a fix for the mistaken identity problem, let's just hope those press releases make their way to the intended inboxes. 

WATCH: Screen name confessions: Our most cringe-worthy online handles