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Recap: “Welcome to Christmas” (Hallmark, 2018)

SARAH FROM “THE VOW” IS IN THIS MOVIE.

And it’s 2018, so you know she was branded.

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Review: “Christmas Town” (Hallmark Channel, 2019)

This is definitely the same town facade as used in “Switched at Christmas.” They clearly had adjusted it to Candace Cameron Burke’s lighting and figured why mess with a good thing.

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REVIEW: “A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby” (Netflix, 2019)

Holy shit, things are happening in Aldovia. Queen Amber (which will never not be hilarious) is expecting. Her due date is January 11 - we all know that is not going to happen in a movie called “Christmas Prince.” NY BFF Melissa shows up because Formerly Evil Simon has invited her. They’re in love! Also, King Pinky Ring seems to have developed narcolepsy. But most importantly, there is a treaty that is traditionally signed every hundred years by the king of Aldovia and the king of Paglia. Paglia is another fictional country that borders on Aldovia but is also in Asia. Queen Amber is pumped to sign the treaty, but Queen Ming of Paglia is not so sure.

But oh no! The treaty goes missing! And Princess Emily finds a historic document that says that if the treaty is broken and unsigned by Christmas Eve, the firstborn of the royalty that breaks will be cursed. It’s a mystery! And since Queen Amber is a journalist first and foremost, she will investigate this missing treaty.

But things get complicated, especially since investigative journalism is very different from gossip reporting. Formerly Evil Simon is a little too friendly with the Paglian King and Queen’s attaché Lin. Melissa is totes jealous. She also spies and sees some conspiring - did Formerly Evil Simon and Lin steal the treaty to create their own kingdom? Or is he just terrible at hiding an engagement ring?

Naturally, the Aldovians bring in a specially trained police dog to sniff out the treaty. I am not so sure about dogs being able to sniff paper, but okay.

But in the interim, we need to have a royal baby shower (can royals accept gifts?), ice skating and an archery contest. King Pinky Ring and King Thai also bond putting together a crib. Why are kings assembling furniture? Shouldn’t there be a crib carved out of royal oak or something?

Anyhow the dog doesn’t find any paper. And oh shit, the airport is open again, and Lin is looking to peace out of Aldovia ASAP. But oh shit, Queen Amber is going into labor. And OH SHIT, their earthy crunchy baby doctor has crashed into a snow bank. In accordance with royal protocol, no one goes to hospitals in Aldovia. King Pinky Ring hops on his trusty stead to rescue her from the snow bank, and meanwhile, Queen Ming is going to deliver this baby.

Also Queen Helena and Princess Emily are trapped inside the dungeon, which turns out to be haunted. Who knew? They try and try to get out of the dungeon but all that happens is Princess Emily falls over despite her best efforts. But that cracks open a stone thing to unveil the hidden treaty! And then Queen Helena just pops out her hair pin and fucking breaks them out.

They boogie up to the royal suite and present the treaty! It turns out it was some guy who swore revenge who hid the treaty! Formerly Evil Simon was just proposing to Melissa! Everybody including the queens sign the treaty, just in time! And Queen Amber gives birth to a clearly six month old baby girl. Elleri? That’s some Twilight baby name level shit. But on Christmas!

Queen Ming gives Queen Amber a Paglian pendant for mother’s strength. And they present the baby to the crowd, and that kid is definitely six months old at least. Everyone loves each other. And Queen Amber gets her New York bagel, which I relate to most of all. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a decent bagel.

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REVIEW: “Picture a Perfect Christmas” (Hallmark, 2019)

This new Hallmark Christmas movie has, to paraphrase Stefan, everything: returns to small towns. Orphaned moppets. Grandmas. Dogs. Sports photography. Enormous teeth.

Sophie just can’t seem to book a job photographing extreme sports, so she goes to her grandma’s house outside of Seattle to take care of her. Grandma doesn’t need that much help, as it turns out, so Sophie starts nannying for the boy next door. In this case, it’s a literal boy next door - the recently orphaned Troy (who you may recognize as Baby Legion from “Legion”) is now staying with his uncle David. Seeing as how Davis is a very busy businessman, he needs someone to take care of his nephew. Why not the under-employed sports photographer?

It doesn’t matter that Sophie has a boyfriend because he is Totally Wrong For Her, and Grandma knows that. It’s only a matter of time (seriously...just a few days between Sophie’s arrival and Christmas) until Sophie and David fall in love. And make it to Troy’s Christmas play!

Also there is an adorable nugget of a puppy.

This movie delights in its blatant disregard for the accessibility of travel, and then later its embrace of the ease and affordability of air travel. First taking a job in Switzerland for a few weeks will RUIN Sophie’s days old relationship with David, but then suddenly David and Troy can just pop over there with her! Instant family! To be perfectly honest, everyone’s veneers are distracting. Focus goes right to those sparkling Chicklet teeth. But this makes for a completely heartwarming, non-offensive background noise that you won’t need to fully commit to because there won’t be Christmas tears here.

On a rating scale from Lifetime Christmas drama to Candace Cameron Bure movie of the year, I give it a rating Movie Starring an Actress You Recognize from Freeform But May Be New to the Hallmark Channel. This makes for a completely heartwarming, non-offensive background noise that you won’t need to fully commit to because there won’t be Christmas tears here. Watch it while you address cards or something!

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Review: “A Christmas Prince” (Netflix)

I typically don’t like to stray from Hallmark for my Christmas movies, but I decided on a whim to catch up to the buzz on this movie two years late. To my delight, it is wonderfully cheese balls.

The crux of the plot is that an American (played by someone who is definitely not American) is sent to Aldovia, a small country known for being very Aryan and English speaking. She works for a gossip magazine, and her assignment straight up from copy editing is to get the scoop on the prince. Will he take the throne? Is he a man slut? Is he generally a good person, or is he spoiled by growing up rich and handsome and able-bodied?

Girlfriend gets into the castle with absolutely no security issues and lands herself a gig pretending to be governess for the young princess, who has spina bifida. And go figure, she falls in love with the handsome Prince Pinky Ring. BUT THERE ARE TWISTS!

The prince was adopted? And Aldovia has not updated its order of succession like Great Britain?

Amazingly, the prince stands by this gossip writer as she is the most “genuine person he’s ever met.” It is weird how American girls are the most genuine people princes ever meet. She earns that title when she figures out a weird riddle which leads to a proclamation by the former king. Totally normally way to write laws. Also, a prime minister is present, so how much law making does the king do? It doesn’t matter, because the Aldovians are very invested in the king. And this bitch manages to save the kingdom and become the future Princess Amber!

There are certainly advantages to a Netflix Christmas movie, including but not limited to: filming in an actual castle, or at least not a single room dressed with a suit of armor; filming on location in a country with snow; respect for time zones; mouth kissing early and often; jokes about boobs. You do miss some Hallmark tropes though, and the movie doesn’t have the same kind of sweetness you’d see there. Still, on a scale of Lifetime Christmas drama to Candace Cameron Bure movie, I give it a rating of a Lacey Chabert joint. Fun, but not perfect. What will happen when they try to get married in the sequel?!

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Original pitch: “Making the Moose of Christmas”

Obviously the lead’s name should be something like Allie or Callie or Hallie. She is a very busy businesswoman rushing around the city. She hurries into her big city office where she works at some undefined corporate job. She barks out orders while her assistant takes her coat and hands her papers to sign. We stop right at her desk as her assistant gives her the bad news: the Big Boss wants to see her about the Big Job.

Well, her boss, Mr. Boss calls her into the office. They are sending her up to Maine (actually filmed in California) to look at a forest they are thinking about tearing down completely to build a luxury hotel and water park. A forest that just happens to have been in a family for four generations - but Mr. Boss knows they can be convinced to sell. Mr. Boss wants her to scope out the scene and see how much of the many acres of untouched nature they should plow over. And…her big promotion to Senior Businesswoman is on the line here. So even though she hates nature (she hates Christmas more), she packs up all her inappropriate shoes and heads to Maine (actually California.)

As soon as she arrives, she comes face to face with a slightly rugged Canadian actor in a flannel. He spills maple syrup all over her fancy business suit. But even worse, he is the fifth generation of the family whose land is in question - his father owns all the woods of Maine. Already unimpressed, she climbs aboard the back of his moose to go to the heart of woods.

They stop at the Jellystone camp ground in the middle of no where. She certainly can’t get a soy milk here, and her stilettos immediately sink into the dirt. The mother (fourth generation, married into it) of rugged moose man rushed out to chastise her son for the poor treatment of their guest. She guides Callie/Allie/Hallie into the cabin, where she has a nice kettle heating on the stove, some clean comfies for her to change into, and even some Uggs that might fit her (even though Mom Moose is about a foot shorter than our heroine.)

Callie/Hallie/Allie awakens in a very comfy wooden room with wooden furniture and tons of rustic Christmas decorations made out of like evergreen twigs and found berries. Mr. Moose Dad and Mrs. Moose Mom knock on the door and bring in a tray overflowing with blueberry pancakes and huge mugs of hot chocolate. Callie/Hallie/Allie looks very uncomfortable, especially since she is in sweats and a fancy city blow out and full makeup in bed. But they are trying to get back on her good, especially since Moose Son is taking her out to see the woods.

The clear disgust on her face dissolved into a more disgusted face as she rides on the back of a moose with Moose Man. He shows her the expense of woods, and she comments that it all looks the same. He says sure, but it’s all the same for ten thousand acres. Why on earth would his family want to sell ten thousand acres?, she asks. Well, he responds, his parents are getting older and it’s getting harder and harder to maintain ten thousand acres of untouched land, and also it’s a good plot device to bring her up here. Why won’t he take it over?, she asks. Because he just wants to dance. But seriously, he doesn’t trust himself since he had an accident and a baby moose was lost. (It didn’t die. It just got lost for a few hours.)

So many little incidents happen and she starts to loosen up and enjoy being outside and he starts to like her despite her icy demeanor. She starts to see the beauty of trees staying in the ground, even though her boss keeps calling her to remind her to figure out exactly how many acres they can build this hotel/water park.

Finally, one night, Moose Man wakes her up and tells her to follow him. They go deep into the woods. He stops at a seemingly random point and says, “Shh. Listen.” And there they hear the song of the moose. It’s beautiful and haunting. The two lean in for a kiss but quickly pull away because this is G

It’s Christmas Eve and Callie/Allie/Hallie still hasn’t called her boss for final numbers. She decides she now loves nature and can find answers in the woods. She sets out alone without telling the Moose family where she is going or that Mr. Boss will be in town soon to see her big presentation.

Callie/Allie/Hallie gets deeper and deeper into the forest and soon finds herself very lost. But not alone! A baby moose has followed her. She decides to call her moose friend Holly (even though the moose identifies as male and that is NOT his name in Moose) and laments that at least they will die together. (She doesn’t say “die” because it is rated G.)

Meanwhile, the Moose family has realized Callie/Allie/Hallie is missing, especially since Mr. Boss has shown up. Without even a sign of his former panic, Moose Man knows exactly where she is. He grabs his trusty moose and rides off into the deepest, darkest part of the woods.

Callie/Allie/Hallie has dug a hole for herself and Holly to climb into and die. She and the baby moose settle in, muddied and sad, and she puts her arms around Holly. Suddenly, in the distance, she hears “Hallie! Callie! Allie!” She stands, and yells back, “Demetri?!” (That’s Moose Man’s name. I just decided now.) He rides into the hole and picks her and Holly up with one arm.

“You rescued me!” She cries, “Even though you had so many hang-ups about losing things in the woods, you came and found me!”

“And you found me right back,” Moose Man says.

“I don’t want to do that PowerPoint and sell your family’s land to be a hotel/water park. I want to keep letting it grow wild…with you.” She says.

Moose Man rips up the contract that he happens to have on him and really his father should be signing. Woodland creatures scramble to pick up the pieces. He says, “and you doing me right back.” They finally kiss this time for real, even though it is closed mouthed and chaste. Moose gather into the scene to sing their moose song, which songs like a knock off of “All I Want for Christmas is You”.

And

Fin.

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Recap: “The Christmas Cure”

Photograph is a Photoshop of Robert Smith of The Cure and Santa, not featured in Hallmark Channel’s 2017 TV movie “The Christmas Cure.”

Vanessa is a big-time big city trauma doctor (in LA. The neighborhood she works in is never specified, so we don’t know what kind of trauma she is dealing with on the regular.) And guess what? She is interviewing for chief of the trauma department. She returns home to her father’s small town rinky-dink no good family practice only to learn he is retiring. Oh no! What will the town do without a doctor? Certainly not go to the urgent care down the street.

 Everyone is going bonkers though, particularly her high school bf, Mitch. They broke up after she went to college, which is specified in dialogue as being ten years ago. So in ten years, she graduated college, went to medical school, and established herself as a talented enough trauma doctor to be a contender for chief? And with that, I realized: Hallmark Channel doesn’t think doctors go to medical school after college. Or at the very least, they don’t think they have to do residencies? The math does not add up...really, whatever you take out of her medical background. I would not be comfortable with Vanessa Turner administering to me. 

 But anyhow, Mitch is hanging around their hometown, doing all kinds of construction work for everyone that is probably too much for one worker, keeping the torch burning for Vanessa, renovating Dr. Turner Sr.’s practice. For his retirement? Not sure. But while Dr. Turner Jr. is bumming around for no real reason in her hometown, Mitch is doing some renovating and falls off a ladder. 

 Oh shit! Mitch definitely is dead, right? 

No, turns out, he only has a “sprained arm” and some bruises and scratches. None of which we see on him (and there’s no sling or anything) when Vanessa drags him out for fresh air. I feel like he should rest? But I am not a trauma doctor who didn’t go to medical school. They stroll around the very small town, listening to a very auto tuned choir, and enjoying peppermint ciders. The fuck? I hope that’s a fermented peppermint tea. Things get awk.WARD when Mitch tries to give Vanessa a Christmas gift he’s been sitting on for ten years. Being a Hallmark heroine, Vanessa runs away. But after caring for an allergy patient (Benadryl?) at the last minute before her father’s clinic closes, and receiving her father’s stethoscope for Christmas, Vanessa runs right back to Mitch’s arms. (He is conveniently at her house, measuring her father’s office for “renovations.”) That’s right, she’s staying, mothafuckas. This small snowy town needs a Dr. Turner. 

 First things first: I’m the realest. Second of all, both of these young lovers are clearly Canadian. I’m not hatin’ - I would go Canadian in a heartbeat, if they have enough litigation support work and/or Hallmark Channel Christmas movie script writers there. Thirdly, I definitely thought Dr. Turner Sr. was played by the late great Alan Thicke - RIP. Turns out, it’s Patrick Duffy. Where does the time go? Did you realize Patrick Duffy looks like skinny Alan Thicke? 

 This movie rocks, mostly because at one point, Mitch lays his hand tenderly again Vanessa’s cheek and she breathes, “What are we doing?” Classic romance shit. There is also a secondary character in Mrs. Willis, who teaches all of the characters about baking and love - but has no familial connection to anyone. She does, however, make and present a German cake to her dead husband’s portrait on Christmas Eve. That got me right in my soul. I would do that. My husband’s oil painting will have a pile of apple pies and Reese’s peanut butter cups beneath it. I will not make peanut butter cups though. Also: almost non-stop snowfall against lush, green trees. Get it, bullshit small town that is definitely California.

  “The Christmas Cure” stars Brooke Nevin, Steve Byers, and Patrick Duffy NOT skinny Alan Thicke (RIP). It was directed by John Bradshaw. It premieres on the Hallmark Channel on July 15, 2017 (Hallmark Christmas Keepsake Holiday Preview, bitches!) and it fucking awesome.

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From tonight’s movie “A Gift to Remember.” Are nude heels or black heels more appropriate for a Christmas Eve party at an independent bookstore?

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Recap: “A Gift for Christmas”

Amy recaps tonight’s newest premiere.

It was SO CUTE. This bookworm gal named Darcy who is a hopeless romantic works at a charming independent bookstore. The bookstore just happens to be throwing a party for its customers on Christmas Eve (Mel notes, which should be a day for family and miracles.)

Darcy spies this cute guy looking at her through the window, but it’s not creepy because he has a wholesome smile and a dog, and she works in an independent bookstore.

One night, Darcy falls asleep in her comfy chair reading her favorite author and wakes up late for work. She hops on her bike, but thanks to her haste and the hills of Pennsylvania, she crashed into a man on the street. And it’s the same dude! That was watching her from the window! He hits his head and loses his phone and ID when they are dramatically washed away into the sewer. He has AMNESIA.

So Darcy has to help him put back the pieces of his shattered life and memories. It was REAL CUTE.

There is a misunderstanding between them, and even though she was recently promoted to manager of the cute independent bookstore, she feels unfulfilled.

It’s a MYSTERY so I won’t tell you who he really is. I didn’t read any spoilers because I wanted to figure it out for myself. This was a Hallmark Channel crossover because it was a mystery, but it was also a light hearted romance despite a horrific head injury being integral to the plot. (There was no blood, but there was brain swelling.)

So no spoilers to who he turns out to be but I will say she wears a red dress AND red lipstick to the party, which is very well-attended despite being on Christmas Eve. They do kiss outside the party, but due to her high heels and the hills of Pennsylvania, she is taller than him, which I found distracting. And no one had to give up their corporate job, though there was talk of relocation.

“A Gift to Remember stars Ali Liebert and Peter Porte. It was directed by Kevin Fair. It premiered on the Hallmark Channel on November 19, 2017, and it is fucking awesome.

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Vintage Christmas Recap: “Just in Time for Christmas”

(Photo from “Fifty Shades of Grey” NOT the Hallmark Channel Christmas classic “Just in Time for Christmas”)

This is an oldie (I mean…2015) but a goodie on the Hallmark Channel. It features an all-star cast - THE William Shatner! THE Christopher Lloyd! The gal who plays Anastasia’s roommate in the “50 Shades of Grey” movies, and the roommate needing Anastasia to go interview Christian Grey is the whole impetus for their meeting/scandalous love affair. (WHY can’t the roommate just go do the interview? She only seems a little sick and isn’t actively vomiting. She can at least do a Skype interview? How much can she get out of an interview someone else does?) 

 Somewhere vaguely along the coast of Washington state (read: Canada), Lindsay Rogers is a psychology professor who is pretty hot stuff. She has a super cute boyfriend (Jason) whom she has been dating since the beginning of time, and he owns a coffee shop. That’s right, a mother-fucking coffee shop. This is big time on the West Coast. They are totally presh and probably two of the better actors to walk and talk their way through a Hallmark Channel festive town square.

 Everything is coming up Lindsay because guess what: she has a job offer at mother-fucking Yale. I’ll allow it, since we do get to see Lindsay be smart in her field and not just say something like, “We’ll never meet that deadline! I’m a businesswoman!” But turns out, it is shit timing, because sweet Jason and his scruffy coffee shop beard have booked Gino’s (presumably the only non-coffee shop restaurant in town?) to propose! Oh no’s! This is 2015! Married women can’t teach at Yale! And they definitely can’t telecommute! What will Lindsay dooooooo? Well, she does what any reasonable psychologist would do: she runs outta this scene from an Italian restaurant and books it to the park, the only respite for a gal with too many thoughts. 

 At the park, she is approached by a mysterious former star of many “Star Trek” movies, sporting a carefully spirit-gummed goatee and riding a carriage drawn by a horse named Mistletoe. He offers her a ride and she laments her NON-DECISION BECAUSE IT’S 2015 AND WOMEN CAN HAVE IT ALL BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T BEEN DESTROYED BY NOVEMBER 9, 2016 YET. But no one told Lindsay to lean in because she is conflicted. So William Santa-ner helps her out by showing her a magic Christmas comet which sends her three years into the future. 

 WTfuck? Lindsay is really confused even though most things still look relatively the same and her trusty grandpa is there to make lots of “Back to the Future” references. She remembers nothing of the three years she lost but she quickly discovers that she is the author of a best-selling book (I’mma assume she wrote some kind of self-help book even though I’ll stress again, we get to see her being good in her field - it’s just in practice, she’s a lot more platitudes than science.) She is also needed desperately back at Yale by her Dean, who also seems to be her book agent. Since it’s close to Christmas, I feel as though the semester should be over? But maybe she’s doing a local on-going study on the effects of small town high school love on a busy career woman’s career? She should pick a smaller town than New Haven for such a study though. Regardless, the Dean can spare her for a couple days because she has taken advantage of Lindsay’s sudden relocation to schedule a local book signing. Girl does not know what the fudge she wrote about, but she is happy to spend more time around town with Grandpa Bob and Jason. 

But - oh no’es! - after creeping around the coffee shop like a socially awkward male comedian, Jason and Lindsay finally come face to face. And Lindsay is quickly informed that Jason is now engaged to Becca with the good hair. She has worked at the coffee shop and snuck right the fuck in there. No worries! Lindsay totally doesn’t care! She is very cool and successful and teaches at Yale even though she cannot be older than 30. (No disrespect because again, she is excellent compared to everyone else on the Hallmark Channel with the exception of our Lord and Savior Alicia Witt.) In fact, she doesn’t care so much, she is fine with Jason helping her with her Q&A before her book signing and drinking champagne in the limo with her afterwards (side note: do they do that? For book signings? In small towns? I have never written a book, but I assume unless you are J.K. Rowling or Hillary Clinton, they make you provide your own transportation.) Champagne + nostalgia + dat book signing hiiiiiiiiiigh = Lindsay sneaks a smooch in the back of the limo. Jason naturally freaks out because THAT IS FUCKED UP, LINDSAY, HE IS MARRYING SOMEONE ELSE IN LIKE TEN MINUTES. 

 Lindsay knows what she did was wrong, and they have a very honest and self-aware conversion about what happened (good thing Lindsay is a “psychologist” although methinks the screenplay writer is truly the one with the psychology degree.) She wishes and wishes she could go back to her own present time so that she could change the results of the 2016 presidential election - ooops, I meant that’s what I would do. Sorry. - so she can right the wrong of becoming a very highly regarded Yale professor and best-selling author. And also making sure she marries Jason. 

 And dude, she goes back to the park (even though a maintenance guy/park ranger told her they never have offered horse and carriage rides there) and poof, here comes William Santa-ner. Turns out he wanted to teach her a lesson, and boy did she learn one about herself and about what a drag it is to be a highly regarded Yale professor and best-selling author who don’t NEED no man even though she can’t remember anything and maybe she had a boyfriend in New Haven or maaaaaaybe she and the Dean/book agent had a thing? Maybe that’s why the Dean kept calling and saying she needed Lindsay back immediately? But Lindsay couldn’t see past the guy she’s been dating since she was five. 

 Anyway, William Santa-ner shows her the comet again and she opens her eyes to discover she is back in 2015. QUICK. GATHER THE WHITE WOMEN. THE ELECTION OF TRUMP WAS OUR FAULT. URGE CHANGE. WARN THEM WHAT 2018 IS LIKE. But instead of doing the right thing, Lindsay runs to her own home to hug her grandpa and mom (oh, her mom had a heart attack and moved to Sweden in the future.) She tells them she loves them and that is the best gift ever. Also, Mom’s going to the doctor on Monday. Cut to that coffee shop, where Jason is pouting. Lindsay texts him to let her in, or at least let in the waiters with the gnocchi from that restaurant. He does, and she apologizes and says she wants to marry him because she know she’ll be successful where ever she goes. He asks why she didn’t just ask him to go with her to Yale and THANK YOU, JASON, FOR BEING THE ONE PERSON WHO REALIZES PEOPLE CAN TRAVEL ACROSS LAND AS WELL AS TIME IN THIS UNIVERSE. They decide New Haven probably has coffee shops too (or should if they don’t), and they will start their new lives there together. 

 The movie concludes with a 150% cheesy wedding with a slightly out of date wedding dress and Lindsay addressing all characters by name before giving them a long hug. Then on to the reception at the only non-coffee shop restaurant in town!

  “Just in Time for Christmas” (2015) stars Eloise Mumford, Michael Stahl-David, Christopher Lloyd and William Shatner. It was directed by Sean McNamara. It is fucking great for crying to on a Sunday afternoon.

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Countdown to Countdown to Christmas

We are a mere 25 days from the beginning of Countdown to Christmas on the Hallmark Channel, and a whole new batch of warm and fuzzy Christmas movies to help us forget our dreary lives as career women. What are you looking most forward to? And will any of these newcomers match “The Nine Lives of Christmas” (Amy’s personal favorite) or “A Very Merry Mix-Up” (Mel’s forerunner)?