#I missed Liam! I miss Liam! Liam deserves more! so much to say so many feels… is this a projection? am I projecting my own grief? idk ilh

[sainz100]

2024 Hungarian GP | x (edited)

[violentdelightshavevioletends]

SHE’S SEEING LIAM😭😭😭

[babygirlspurgeon]

aka welcome to the minnesota wild as shania twain songs! this is a many months long passion project @alshaverpressbox and i have been pecking away at but here on the eve of a fresh season we are ready to share! 

daemon hunt - man! i feel like a woman!

i bet you’re wondering how this all started….. mr hunt mentioned this was his karaoke song and well, it spiraled into the rest of this. we thank you for your service sir 🫡

wild fans - you’re still the one, i’m holdin’ on to love (to save my life)

love is stored in wildblr ❤️

jon merrill - i ain’t no quitter

is he the best at hockey? no but he is for mullets & gays <3

jake middleton - you win my love, party for two

there's no speed limit/just go faster, faster, don't be slow/rev it up, rev it up 'til your engine blows (please watch this music video with him in mind i beg)

brock faber - rock this country, no one needs to know

i just know he also screams the minnesota mention in rock this country. also was sad to realize months too late how good of a brock for calder song it is

matt boldy - the woman in me (needs the man in you)

i'm not always strong/and sometimes i'm even wrong/but i win when i choose/and i can't stand to lose

joel eriksson ek - honey, i’m home, gonna getcha good, giddy up

most persecuted girl in the world who deserves a good foot rub and a lil snack

marcus foligno - i’m not in the mood (to say no), party for two

ain’t no need to plan it, jump right in and jam it also yes party for two is for both middsy and moose and they’re singing it to spurge. they're cool fun guys who bring the party what more is there to say?

marat khusnutdinov - ain’t no particular way 

welcome to minnesota get loved bitch

marco rossi - up!, i’m jealous 

nice young man who’s persevered with mild antics for his goalie that he’s totally normal about

zach bogosian - you lay a whole lotta love on me

beefcake..... i can feel your body tuggin' gently on my mind/stirring up a feeling i thought i'd never find

jonas brodin - love gets me every time, don't be stupid (you know i love you)

really need to hear “i gol’ darn gone and done it” come out of this man’s mouth Right Now

liam ohgren - wanna get to know you (that good)

don't wanna miss a minute/wanna be right in it/do everything you're doing/go everywhere you're going

marc-andre fleury - legends never die, when you kiss me 

feel very normal about our record setting goalie really really liking us

jesper wallstedt - thank you baby (for makin’ someday come so soon)

he's here........

filip gustavsson - what a way to wanna be!

giving "android in the group chat" giving nobody’s perfect by hannah montana

mats zuccarello - you've got a way

when your hockey soulmate shows up and your career revitalizes.....

ryan hartman - whatever you do! don’t!

hartzy is soooo normal about kirill as we all know

jared spurgeon - any man of mine, from this moment, come on over

i do indeed give my hand you with all my heart.....

declan chisholm - white claw

so when he calls/say fuck it all

freddy gaudreau - i won’t leave you lonely 

soft song..... soft man....

marcus johansson - c’est la vie

hold tight, it comes right eventually

jakub lauko - (if you’re not in it for love) i’m outta here

passing this vibe check with flying colors btw

kirill kaprizov - she’s not just a pretty face, that don’t impress me much

she's got everything it takes, and yeah she thinks you're alright but that won't keep her warm in the middle of the night.... he is That Bitch

nordy - juanita 

nordy save us, save us nordy

billy g - whose bed have your boots been under?

you never know with that bitch...

gone but never forgotten (affectionate and derogatory)

mason shaw - forever and for always

and there ain't no way/i'm letting you go now

charlie coyle and jason zucker - when

zoyle will be reuninted one day right? right????

brandon duhaime and connor dewar - in my car (I’ll be the driver), if it don’t take two

if i'm not with you/no it ain't worth goin' through/if it don't take two

matt dumba - it only hurts when i’m breathing

do i think about dumbs talking about how he and jimmy wanted to be around til the reds came back all the time? perhaps

dean evason - i ain’t going down

her smile got me through the years/dried away the tears/it filled me with hope

pat maroon - is there life after love?

answer: there is not life after love. at least not for patty "chicago" maroon

kevin fiala - nah!

yeah, that's it (that's all), we had fun (we had a ball)/it was good while it lasted, but now i'm past it

parise and suter - ka-ching

dig deeper in your pocket, come on, i know you’ve got it <- them to chuck fletcher

[itreallyburns]

Hmm. Lots of rambly feelings and thoughts about Liam (and by extension 1D). Not necessarily lighthearted. Beware. Just sorting out my own grief with it as we near the end of the year... 💔

The more supposed details come out of Liam's last hours, the darker it gets. I don't even know what to say. It's so heartbreaking. I wish things had been so different.

I keep thinking that 2025 is just around the corner, and it'll be the first full year without Liam at all. Sickening.

Even though it's unfair and irrational, I sometimes get so bitter about the rest of the boys' fans 'cause they still have so much to look forward to. Life for them continues as always. It is untouched and unchanged.

Can't help but resent Liam's life being over and all that was left unresolved, unreleased, and unrealised. He deserved the opportunity to live longer and sort it all out.

I wanted new music, new collabs, a tour, and whatever else he wanted to do. I'm genuinely so sad I never got to see him live.

Can't even listen to 1D or Liam's music. They were such a source of comfort and joy in my life, and now I don't even have that 'cause it makes me too sad. It's so upsetting.

That rumour about 1D reuniting really pissed me off tho. It's probably not even true. Regardless, 1D died with Liam. I don't want it anymore. Unless it's some unreleased songs that Liam was a part of.

I have complicated feelings about 1D, looking back. My perception's different now. Part of the issue is the fandom. So many of them STILL treat Liam like his sole purpose in the band was to be a prop to highlight the other lads or 'prove' ships. Like he didn't matter beyond that . It's so tragic that even in death it continues.

I had essentially walked away from the fandom for this same reason, never mind the awful drama and hate. I know it'd be healthier for me to walk away again and eventually I'll have to. I just... need to be ready to let him go. Yikes.

It's all selfish. My grief only extends so far as the joy and hope he gave me through his music, his jokes, his shared relatable experiences, and his performances. It's also just the humanity of it all. There's no way to be unaffected.

Doesn't compare to what his family is going through ofc, which I can't even imagine. I'm sure his family, more than anyone, wanted Liam to overcome his addiction and mental health struggles, and maintain some stability in his life and learn to thrive again. (Before anyone brings it up, if that included reckoning and learning and growing from what is alleged, then so be it - it's part of being human).

I just miss him being around and all the hope associated with it. 😔 It's hard to swallow the lost potential of an unrealised future and all that was left behind unfinished. 💔

I know time and distance will bring ease, but I'm not ready to let go...

I wish he was still here.

[pop-punklouis]

if maya was telling the truth (who knows) why do you think per your tags zayn wouldve done it during 2014-2015? granted i wasn’t here for that era so is it just because that’s when zayn left?

not specifically.

i think it’s hard to explain how the autumn of 2014 and beginning of 2015 felt as a fan if you weren’t there for it. there was obviously a lot of tension on many fronts at the time. even coming off the tail end of the weedgate video in the summer…. think the ben winston interviews, the louis twitter account bashing the rainbow direction project with bullshit 2.0, liam’s weird tweets/favorites about the rainbow project, i hate to say it bc i try to not speculate too much over appearances but the obvious weight loss of both louis and zayn in 2014, the zerrie engagement the media wanted to make part of their press cycles regardless of it making zayn uncomfortable anytime he had to open up about his personal life, 1989 releasing and all the press associated with harry— including all the pap walks he was doing with different girls and going to different parties, the rumors of tension while recording four and zayn’s songs not being chosen, the boys hanging out with separate producers and drastically different industry personalities who i’m sure were whispering in all their ears, FOUR and WWA being the peak of their success and fame as a band and what comes attached to that, the pressure to ride that wave and continue pushing certain images and too many public appearances on radio and print and award shows and tv etc., louis and zayn consistently in the nightlife scene, the not-so-subtle marketing of harry as the face of the band was in full-form here, naughty boy made his first appearance during this era, harry with his black & white instagram feed and the color theory that felt very. real at the time, zayn missing televised performances last minute, louis getting his dagger tattoo, the drugs and alcohol abuse im sure was starting to really occur at this time, the first leg of OTRA where it was obvious none of the boys had real tour rehearsals of the four tracklist because they fumbled the words back and forth during the australian dates (i always remember how shockingly poor those performances of stockholm syndrome were), the beginning of party boy!louis’s public persona was rearing its head as spring of 2015 rolled in, liam’s tweets being the cause of controversy back and forth, the lack of personal interaction on stage with everyone, zayn missing tour dates before the bombshell of his departure was dropped……

there was a lot of tension there that i know i only realized when i looked back at that time period altogether. as it was happening, all of these things were either missed or didn’t seem too significant because the music was great, we were getting more content then ever, the band was finally starting to get the praise and recognition they deserved in the industry, the boys were more active on social media, and the fans, for the most part, were having fun. but, it’s obvious (at least to me) that the cracks in the machine that was One Direction started as the latter half of 2014 came. And no matter how much duct tape and glue they or their team or the label execs tried to put on it, it eventually fell. i do believe that time period was the foundation for all that came after though, so that’s why it isn’t surprising me to me if that’s when zayn and liam had that altercation because i can imagine tensions were high with everyone behind the scenes off/on as they continued at a speed that just. wasn’t sustainable.

[rememberingliampayne]

Dear Liam,

When I first discovered One Direction as an 11 year old girl, the band had already gone on hiatus. But it hardly mattered. I was so starstruck, constantly immersing myself in video diaries, music videos, and interviews so fully that it felt as though they were happening in real time. That little girl was so different from who I am now. She grew so much, learned so much. And you and the boys were right there with her the whole time- whether you knew it or not. When I was so insecure I wondered if anyone even cared if i existed, I could always turn on What Makes You Beautiful and remind myself that you loved all your fans. When I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, the comment sections under your video diaries were always full of inside jokes that only us Directioners understood. We had a family. And when I was scared of the future, my feelings too complicated for me to understand or explain, you had a knack for saying it for me, all while reminding me I would be okay. I remember so clearly the feeling of comfort I felt listening to Night Changes for the first time- and it was a feeling I held onto, one you continued to give me no matter where I was in life. I always thought I would have the luxury of continuing to grow up with you. I could see you were struggling, and as much as I worried, I guess I took it for granted that you would always be there. I never thought enough about what it must have been like for you. I don't think I could fully comprehend the weight of it. You sacrificed your childhood for ours, and though I am forever grateful, it breaks my heart. You were just a kid, 16 years old. You just wanted to sing, and to make people happy. And you did. Truly, more than I can explain. This world was far too cruel to you, and you deserved so much better. But despite the unfairness of it all, it comforts me to think that you made beautiful memories as well. I know you were hurting, more than I could ever fully grasp. But I hope more than anything that you still cherished the laughs, joys, and accomplishments you got to feel. You were always a positive person, and something in me tells me you did. I'm so sorry I couldn't help you the way you helped me. I never got to thank you. For being my escape when the world felt too loud. For opening the door to things that were so new to me in the most exciting way. For teaching me so much about the world. For all the laughs, the screams, the jokes, the tears. For the cherished memories, for being a highlight of my childhood and youth. I wish I could have told you all this, but I'm saying it now, now that we've reached the end of this magical and unforgettable chapter of life. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Liam. I will never forget you and all the memories you gave me. I will always miss you. I will always remember, and I will carry you with me throughout my life. I know you will continue to be a part of me and my life forever, I know I will continue to learn from you, and you will continue to give me more than I could ask for. If I am lucky enough to have children one day, I will tell them all about you. You will live on through me and all of us who love you unconditionally, I promise. You were a beautiful soul, and you changed so many lives without even knowing it. I hope you're in a better place now, somewhere you can finally be treated the way you deserve. I hope you know how loved you truly are, and I know you'll be watching down on us, taking care of us the way you always have. It has been such an honour and a blessing to experience my youth with you. Love you, Payno. Sleep tight. Xxx

[mayasdeluca]

That episode was a lot and had so much but overall I thought it was pretty good. That last Marina scene was so many mixed emotions and feelings but we got so much from it. 😭 We FINALLY heard Maya speak Italian and Carina was wearing Maya's SFD shirt!!! I'm so bummed that they did Carina dirty yet again for no good reason and felt it was necessary to have her find out that she can't get pregnant but the idea of using Maya's eggs is definitely intriguing and I do hope they continue that story until the end of the season now and we get to at least see some progress made. I do wonder if any of it will be touched on in a big way in episode 7 now.

The FaceTime scene was adorable too. Maya calling Liam probie and Danielle adding in a 'babe' (bless her) was perfect. The only thing missing was a reaction from Carina to Maya wearing her Class A's. But Maya loves her family so much and it's the cutest thing.

As for the other stuff...the audacity of the writers Emily to write Maya apologizing to Beckett for her part in what she did and then to not have Beckett apologize for literally torturing and bullying her for 6 months??? For dumping fake blood on her in a Halloween episode??? So Beckett's actions are excused and fine but Maya apologizes and this dumbass still doesn't trust her and acts like an absolute fool on the call and then Maya has to DOUBLE DOWN and own up to her part again and he says nothing again for the way he treated her?? That was such a slap in the face it's ridiculous.

I did like how they had Andy acknowledge that Maya is always there for her and the call back to them in the academy but they definitely could have done more with that. I guess it's impossible for Maya to ever get any kind of remorse or apology in return though.

Carina mentioning Andrew was too much for me 😭 Liam deserved to have his Zio Andrea in his life and I'll forever be sad that he doesn't have him.

The obsession the writers have with Ross and Sullivan truly needs to be studied. They will never be the epic love story romance that they continue to try and force on us.

But anyway...

“I didn't want to have a family until you showed me...what a family was.”

[fortunatelyseveredreamland]

What a week…

It’s so weird to be back here. I am sad I deleted my blog so many years ago and forgot what it was even called. I knew I’d come back eventually if something big were to happen. Never thought this exact thing would be the reason.

I was at work on Wednesday when I found out. My hands immediately shook and my heart sank. I couldn’t wait to leave to get home and be able to know more and mourn. As soon as I got in the car, I started crying.

It’d been such a long time since 1D took up this much space in my brain. It feels like a lifetime ago, sitting on tumblr from night to morning. Rewatching the video diaries and music videos millions of times. Making my friends and followers one shots and photoshopped texts. Plastering my entire room with posters from every magazine I could find. But somehow, it also feels like yesterday?

It felt weird to have my mind immediately transport back to being in my room and only caring about the boys. Sleepovers with my bestie revolving around their music.

I don’t think I have ever loved something as much as I love One Direction. The feeling of hanging out with you all and loving the boys so very much. I wish I could feel that way right now without the overwhelming amount of guilt.

I had to come back here with a brand new account and feel this community’s embrace again. The only people that will ever truly understand this feeling. And I’m so glad I did. While everyone is speaking how they feel, they are also sharing old posts, and funny ones. Ones that make all of the good memories come rushing back like a rough river. It’s like I never left. And in some way, I don’t think I ever truly did. I left my heart on this website and in One Direction and now I feel like there is a part of my soul that is never coming back. But maybe in due time, he can live in that void for the rest of time.

I have seen a lot of posts about inner child. But to be honest, I don’t think my inner child is crying. My full adult self is crying. The part of me that would spend all of my life savings on a ticket to an ot5 reunion. The little girl inside of me left long ago, but the adult 27 year old woman who has nothing to look forward to now feels like she’s actively dying inside. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. They were supposed to live until they were 90. It’s just unfair and too soon.

I’d like to say that I hope all of you are doing well. This is the first day since the news that I haven’t been a full puddle of tears, but I also keep waking up and hoping this is a nightmare. I took a shower and blasted take me home. I cried a little bit it was cathartic. It made me feel that all of those memories are worth so much to not only me but to the boys and their families.

I’d like to round this off with my letter to Liam.

Hey Leeyum,

I miss you like crazy already. Which pains me to say because I could’ve been a more active fan for you in the last few years. I knew what had been happening, but always felt like you were going to come out on the other side, stronger. I wish we all could’ve saved you.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for writing songs that helped me through my teenage and early adult years. They still do. Thank you for making us laugh. Thank you for making us proud. I know you wouldn’t want us to wallow in sadness for you. You’d want us to talk about the memories.

The boys love you so much and I hope you knew that. There was no One Direction without you. You were the glue that held it all together. You deserved more public love than you were ever given. I just hope you know how much the 1D family cares and loves you.

I’m so sorry this was the way your story ended. You deserved so much more than life gave you. I will love you until the end of time, sweet boy. <3

I love you all. Please take care of yourselves. I plan on sticking around a while. Hope to see more names that I recognize on my feed.

[faithinthekindness9194]

Hey guys,

I managed to finally listen to the boys music on Wednesday… I was out in the car and put on their playlist but I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel anything. I just felt numb.

I sang along but not to have fun or because I was happy but because I always sing along. No matter how I’m feeling.

I feel so bad for just being numb. It still hasn’t sunk in that it’s been 2 weeks. I miss Liam more than anything. He was the first member of One Direction that I fell in love with. I knew Liam’s Grandad through my auntie. She is a hairdresser and cut his hair. I had weekly conversation with him about Liam and the boys. He was so proud of him, you could tell every time I spoke to him. I never got chance to meet him but the conversations were enough. I managed to send Liam a drawing and a birthday card to which he tweeted and followed me. It made me feel a little closer to him even though I didn’t know Liam.

My heart is still so broken that he’s no longer on this earth. He shouldn’t have gone so soon. The boys have saved my life so many times and in so many ways. I probably wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for them, my depression and anxiety wouldn’t be as calm as it is if it wasn’t for them. I’m 27 and still as obsessed and in love with them as I was at 14/15.

Liam,

I am heartbroken that you are no longer with us. I feel numb. You need to know how much you are loved. The whole world loved you for your impeccable talent and your limitless kindness. You lit up this world in so many ways for so many people. You were an incredible person and didn’t deserve the hate and rumours you had to live through. You meant so much to me and so many others around the world. I hope you can see how much we all love you. You made the world a better place, with your smile and personality.

I feel for your family, friends, girlfriend, the boys and especially for your son. Bear will grow up forever remembering what an amazing and talented person his father was. We will never let anyone forget you.

I hope that wherever you are you are now at peace and happy. You deserved the world Liam and it failed you. I can’t believe that we couldn’t save you when you had saved so many of us. I’m so sorry that we let you down, you didn’t deserve it. You deserved so much more than what life dealt you. So from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry.

I will never forget you and everything you brought to the world. Stay happy up there Liam, you deserve it. I love you so much Liam and I hope you’re now who you’re meant to be.

Sleep tight and rest in peace Payno.

I send you love and hugs, forever our Daddy Direction.

(I’m sorry for the long post but I need somewhere to write how I feel. I’ve spent 2 weeks trying to put into words how I feel and although this is all I can say at this moment in time, I feel like I’m able to write and help myself and hopefully others. If anyone ever needs anyone to talk to my DMs and Ask Box is always open.)

[tarnished-butsogrand]

When I first opened this account in 2017, I was a different person. I was going through a challenging time academically and I sought refuge in an online community which at that point of time provided me with the escape I so desperately needed. The fanart artists, the fanfic writers who I still idolise even though they don't even write for this fandom even more, the gifs. I love Ziam but there was a time I used to devour all kinds of pairings, the rarest of the OTPs. I had a Lirry fic I wanted to write that I made the cover for and never wrote. I have a Ziam fic that I never ended up finishing and probably won't ever complete to be honest. 😭I knew I was late to the party and I was eager to consume all that I had missed out on. I have loved One Direction since I was thirteen. That's more than a decade. I remember discussing their new songs, albums, interviews, so excited for what was to come. I remember listening to This Town which was the first song released after the hiatus, and all the subsequent releases, vibing to both Harry and Liam's music, the Strip that Down trailer release. I remember Louis' performance and how they all showed up for him. I remember Back To You fucking slapped. Zayn already had a chart topper by then. So many wonderful things happened, and kept on happening even in the subsequent years when I couldn't be here.

Now I am at another point in my life, that's eerily similar to where I was in 2017, just a lot tougher, older, wearier and it kills me to say this, but sadder. I wish I could explain in words how much all the people I have had the opportunity to talk to or interact with over the years have meant to me. How much I loved sharing my love for this band and its members with all of you! Nothing is the same anymore and losing someone, and by extension something you have loved so deeply, that has connected you with so many wonderful people just hurts in a way that I probably won't be able to express. So I won't try. I just cannot watch this circus any longer because it just hurts and it keeps on hurting. Every time I try to move on there's a new interview or article, and I just. Cannot. Liam was a person. Maybe a flawed person, but he still deserves dignity in his death. He deserves to explain his side but that's not going to happen.

I probably will try to keep my queue running whenever it's possible, and I probably will be online once in a while, but I guess I am putting this blog on a semi hiatus. I will be back, hopefully with good news academically. Till then, take care and stay safe, all of you. My best wishes, always.

[shipmistress9]

For whatever it’s worth

Fandom: The Empyrean (Rebecca Yarros)

Rating: Explicit

Pairing: Xaden/Liam

Summary: The morning after the night Liam spent with Xaden and letting him Dominate him.

Now, Xaden finally has his mind clear enough to examine his feelings. And he's done holding them back.

_____

AN: This follows directly after Making Up For Missed Opportunities .

Originally, I didn't plan to write this scene out. It was always just something that happened off-screen, an obvious development. But I see now how stupid that was, they deserve their moment. 🥰

But I also realised I had to write this scene, as I clearly did a poor job at portraying and explaining Xaden’s feelings 😅

Read more below or on AO3

“Okay, wow!” Liam gapes as he opens the door to my private bathing chamber. “This would actually be worth becoming wingleader for.” 

He takes in the room with the sink, the separate toilet, the tub, and, most prominently, the large shower. It isn’t anything special, rather simple, all in all. But I know the fact that I have a private bathing chamber is a luxury around here.

“Just… wow! Too bad Rhiannon is already heading for the leadership position, or I might give it a try. But to be honest, she’s far better suited than I am anyway.”  

I snort. From what Violet told me, Liam’s probably right there.

With a gleam in his eyes, he turns toward me. “Would it be okay if I took a shower here? So I don’t have to sneak down to the first-years’ bathing rooms?”

Chuckling, I make an inviting gesture. “Sure. It’s all yours.” 

He throws me a smirk that seems to say ‘Hopefully not,’ then peels off yesterday’s clothes. And even after how intense last night was, I can’t help my body reacting to the sight of him naked. His firm ass, the muscles covered by smooth golden skin, but most of all how unguarded he enjoys the hot water running down his skin have my cock filling out in an instant.

Halfway to distract myself, I pick up Liam’s clothes. Like most things around here, they’re the standard we all get issued, so I throw them into my laundry and pick fresh ones from my stash for him. It’s a good thing we’re the same size. 

As I reenter my bathing chamber, I find Liam still beneath the hot spray of the shower—and I pause. I don’t know why it took something as ordinary as this, but in this moment, it hits me. That Liam is truly back in my life—and not just as a fellow rider, a friend, someone as close to me as a brother but… more. And in opposition to last night, where I had to maintain the role he’d asked me to play and couldn’t risk slipping out of it, I now have my head clear enough to truly examine what that means, to realise and accept why I’m so happy, to put into words what it is I feel for him.

It’s ridiculously easy. 

With an inner calm I haven’t felt in a long time, I place the clean set of clothes onto the shelf by the sink then take off my own. “Mind if I join you?” I ask, more so I don’t startle Liam as I step into the spray of hot water behind him. 

Liam huffs a laugh. “Almost feared you wouldn’t.” 

He turns toward me, and that spark of… of something in his eyes makes my chest grow tight. Without hesitation, without thinking about it, I get closer to him, ignoring the water running down my face. My hand curls around his jaw, sliding to the back of his neck, and I kiss him. 

If he’s surprised he catches himself quickly, his one hand mirroring mine as the other arm curls around my waist, his hand splaying at the small of my back. He hums against my mouth, his lips curling into a smile before he angles for a deeper kiss, his tongue gliding along my lower lip. Groaning, I give in, give him access and let him pull me against him, momentarily too stunned to do much else. Too many emotions whirl around in my head, my heart, as he licks into my mouth, his tongue stroking against mine in a long-forgotten dance. Stoking a fire deep inside me that is near impossible to resist.

But even though there’s nothing I want more than to give in to this fire, there’s something I need to do first. Something I need to say.

“Liam,” I gasp, tearing my mouth from his. “There… there’s something I…”

“Yes?” he asks, waiting, breathing hard. 

I press my eyes shut, my forehead resting against his as I search for my words. “I… I’m sorry.” 

Those were the wrong words. I know it even before Liam’s shoulders slump, and I know he’d retreat if there wasn’t a tiled wall at his back. But I shake my head, hoping to convey what it is I meant. 

“I’m sorry for… for pushing you away all those years ago when I should have talked to you instead. I was a fool, I know that now. And I’m so relieved, so grateful that you agreed to give this a try, to give  us a try. Because…” I pull back to search his eye, need to see them, to look at him. “Because I love you, Liam.”

Something flickers in his eyes, but with the spray of hot water blurring everything, I can’t be sure whether it’s joy or hesitation. 

One second passes in silence, then a second and a third.

Liam swallows. “You do?” He sounds hesitant, maybe disbelieving even. But also… hopeful?

I take a deep breath. No backing out now. “I do. I… wasn’t in a good place back then, in my head, wasn’t able to examine my feelings with the grief and anger still overruling nearly everything else. And I’ve been too scared and frightened to admit it to myself since then, it seemed pointless anyway. But I’ve been in love with you since the first night we spent in that tiny room at Duke Lindell’s castle and you smiled at me despite what my family cost yours. And I—”

I don’t get the chance to say more. Liam’s hand curls around the back of my neck, and before I can comprehend what’s happening, he pulled my mouth back against his. 

This time, I don’t fight against the fire. I said what I needed to tell him, to confess, and this alone fills me with a sense of euphoria that makes me feel lighter, dizzy, makes me yield into his touch in a way I rarely did before. Our bodies align, pressed together all the way down to our feet, and yet it feels like it is not enough. My hands glide from his shoulders down his arms, to his waist, up his back. Mapping every part of him as he does the same with me. My lips and tongue trace a line down his jaw, and I deeply inhale his warm woodsy scent, tasting it on his skin. Every touch of his wet skin against my own leaves a prickling trail, a sensation I quickly get addicted to. I want more, need more.

“Liam…” I grind against his body, needing to feel him everywhere, and can’t suppress a groan. Where my cock was already filling out earlier, it’s completely hard now, pressed against Liam’s in the wet heat between our bodies. And it feels exquisite. 

Before I can further chase the sensation though, Liam grabs my shoulders and spins us around. From one moment to the other, I’m the one with hard tiles at my back while Liam’s the one grinding into me, taking the lead, and honestly? I can’t help but grin. 

Despite last night and how much he assured me he enjoyed me dominating him, I’m glad to see this confident playful streak is still in him. 

Honestly, he fits in perfectly with Violet and me.

Liam

I love you, Liam.

Xaden’s word keep echoing through my mind as we make out beneath his shower. Words I’d long given up hope of ever hearing.

I love you, Liam.

Over and over, like waves crashing against a cliff, they wash through me, hollowing out my defenses. 

I love you, Liam.

Amari help me, I so badly want these words to be true. And for now, I’ll act as if they are.

Xaden groans as I grind against him, the friction and the sound of him equally sweet. Almost unbearably so. Gods, I want more. I want it all.

Xaden

“Fuck… Liam!” I let my hand glide to his broad shoulders, can’t get enough of feeling his skin, his muscles moving beneath. 

It’s like the years melt away, as if they never happened. Like we’re still these young boys, grieving yet innocent in a way. Like were not fighting for our lives every day, like it’s just him and me. Except that our reality is so much more than that, which makes this even sweeter.

After what felt like hours and mere moments alike, Liam snakes his hand between us, and I can’t suppress a grunt as he manages to wrap it around both our cocks, enough to press them together. Fuck, does this feel good. 

With my forehead resting against his, I can do little more than stare down at where he holds us both, so different in shade yet similar in so many other ways. I can’t look away as he moves his hips, slowly, sliding his cock along my own, his head dragging along my frenulum. 

“Fuuuuuuck,” I moan, clinging to Liam’s arms. My knees tremble, my mind wiped clear of any thoughts at this new and powerful sensation. It feels unlike anything else, powerful yet so intimate. Light and intense at the same time.

“Fuck, indeed,” Liam groans as I watch precome bead at his tip, captivated. “Gods, I fantasised of doing this but never dared hoping…” His words trail off into a low moan as he keeps moving, his gaze caught just like mine.

“Liam…” His name is but a plea on my my tongue, imploring to… I don’t even know to do what. To pause so I can get a grip on these intense sensations? To go faster? Rougher? To slow down and draw it out? Fuck if I know. I feel my orgasm building, feel the moment coming where I could hold it back, stay in control. But in this moment, I don’t want to. 

My grip on his shoulders tightens and a low growl is rumbling in my chest as I watch more pre leak from both our tips, feel him twitch against my cock. Fuck, I’m so close.

Liam

It’s amazing, the things you remember. Like the intimate little tells that let you know your partner is close, even though it’s been years. Or, at least years since the last time you were focused enough to notice them.

Last night and during the one with Violet, I wasn’t, but now I am. I see—feel—Xaden’s body go tight as a bow string, hear that deep sound he always makes right before he comes. And it is too much for me to hold back, too. 

With a low curse, I come, and barely a second before Xaden does, as well. My mind is entirely blank as come shoots up to land on our chests, impossible to determine which is who’s, as it covers my hand, our cocks, as we both twitch, Xaden’s groan. Fucking perfect.

We stay like that, entangled and leaning against one another, both chuckling from the sheer intensity of the moment. Then Xaden hisses, far more sensitive to overstimulation than I am, and I loosen my hand. But even then, we stay close, closer even than before, ignoring the mess on our skin. Just basking in this rediscovered closeness. 

“Fuck, I missed this,” Xaden murmurs, his lips gliding against my skin, and I can only hum in agreement, too blissed out for coherent words.

Until his words from before echo through my mind once more. 

I love you, Liam.

Sucking in a breath, I step back. My eyes dart to the small window, to the rising sun outside. “Shit, I have to to hurry. I mustn’t be late for library duty, especially with Violet being ‘ill’ today.” 

It’s not only an excuse, but if it weren’t for this weird feeling spreading through my chest, I probably would draw this moment out a while longer. We clean and dry ourselves up quickly, then I put on the clothes Xaden hands me. They feel strange on my skin, even though I know, logically, they’re the same as the ones in my own armoire.

I’m just about to leave as Xaden holds me back. “Hey, Liam?”

Feeling tense, I turn to look at him.

“If you need time to think about, well, tonight and just… everything, then that’s okay. Take as long as you need.” He smiles, but I know I’m doing a bad job hiding the turmoil inside me. “Just know that me as well as Violet are here for you, to talk, to answer questions, whatever you need. And… I meant every word I said.”

I love you, Liam.

I don’t think he was lying. But I also know that what’s between him and Violet goes beyond any normal bond. It can't be the same. I want to fit in with them, and I believe them when they say they want me with them as well. But how can I even compete with what they have? 

“I know,” I reply, covering my turbulent emotions as best I can. I squeeze his hand on my arm, smile, and add, “And I love you, too, Xaden. Always have.”

For whatever it’s worth.

________

AN: I don't quite know what happened here...

I only meant to show that Xaden very much knows and accepts his feelings for Liam. And then Liam went all doubtful again, the poor boy. 😣

But then, this also has to tie into Easing Tension And Worries which takes place after this one.

Writing out of order is hard. 😅

[elis-corner]

can people please calm down about mcr??

i'm writing this the day after bob's death was announced, if you want more context of why i'm so fed up with things.

this post talks about people's reactions and expectations about bob's death, and about long live. this is more of a rant/vent than anything. it isn't coherent and has been written very much in the heat of the moment, and may come off harsher than intended.

I'm a relatively recent fan (listening since 2022 but in the fandom since 2023), so I wasn't ever around for Bob's good days. I only ever knew Bob for the bad things he'd done, some interviews, music videos, and of course the songs themselves.

He had such an impact on the band and their sound. This is very clear. For so long, they were friends, spending so much of their time together. Whether Bob did bad things prior to his death or not doesn't change these facts, it doesn't change that he was mentally ill, it doesn't change the fact that people harassed him on a constant basis, and it doesn't change that he's a human fucking being.

People are mocking and celebrating his death like he's some villainous character. He's not. He's a person. People make his beliefs the only thing that matters to who he is, but they're not. People, in life and in death, were telling him he deserved to die.

That's not okay. It will never be. Grow up.

Why can't we handle this with the same grace people handled Liam Payne's death? Why can't we recognise that Bob was a man who hurt people, but still deserves respect?

I've also seen people complain that the band hasn't said anything yet. This is someone they were friends with for years. They probably saw him more than their families. And they're suddenly told that he's been found dead. Imagine what that does to a person.

MCR owes you nothing. Let them grieve. They will talk about it when they feel like they can. If they don't want to, for reasons we shouldn't force them to say, then we should respect that. For all we know, they're planning to do something on tour for him.

And here comes the tour discourse.

I'm sick of people complaining about the tour. Yes, pacing and ticket prices were terrible. No, it wasn't right, and I think whoever invented dynamic pricing and decided not to cap resale prices should go to hell. But that's it. That's all that's worth complaining about right now.

I've seen so many people go "this isn't the band that saved me" and "mcr has gone bad", but still call themselves fans of the band as a whole. No. You're stuck in what it was pre-reunion. What's worse is when people shit on MCR for "nostalgia bait" and still buy tickets. If you think what they're doing is bad, why go? If you don't like them as much now, why go?

We don't know what the tour will be like. We don't know shit. So stop going on about how the band doesn't care about it's fans, that it's nostalgia bait, because we don't know what they're doing.

The first time I looked up if MCR was touring, was genuinely two or three weeks after they were in my city. Do you know how heart-breaking that is? I'm a fan of so many people that I'll never get to see, but look! MCR is still going! But I just missed out anyway. People who've missed out before, or weren't fans, are getting to see them for the first time, and I think that's beautiful.

They're not touring in my country. I live in Australia. I hope they do an international tour soon. But they don't owe it to me. They don't owe it to anyone. By how much of Swarm Tour seems to lead into Long Live, we can assume they might be planning an international tour too. Frank himself said that they had big things planned.

Stay calm. Wait.

And don't shit on the band because you don't have the decency or patience for them to do things as they want, or in their own time.

[violentdelightshavevioletends]

Processing through Fourth Wing's Ending thoughts with me Part 4 with SPOILERS!!! (& other 3 post summaries + some Iron Flame theories)

So:

I think Xaden is gonna have a long journey in winning Violet back (as he should, she deserves to be fought for & respected in boundaries). Though it’s also a little hard to watch knowing where this all comes from & it’s a little mixed up/misdirected.

Speaking of misdirection Dain Aetos has some explaining to do, unless I read that wrong; if he intentionally sent Violet & Liam off to their deaths thanks to his betrayal… nope. No.

I am utterly destroyed over Liam & dreading the aftershocks of it… meeting his sister is going to make me cry & I will protect that baby with my life.

Brennan also has some explaining to do, backstory to give, etc.

So mostly I’m ruined and this book is gonna ruin me even more and then it’ll be time to cry with Onyx Storm… so… yeahhh

I am dying to know what the deal is with Lilith Sorrengail… she can’t truly have meant to get her children killed can she? Is she a part of the rebellion somehow? And what was the deal with Violet’s dad? Plus a lesser but still prominent question: what does Mira know? I get the feeling it’s not much… but I am curious all things considered how many more secrets that family holds.

Violet included in the latter as I wonder if the poison affected her memory, powers, etc. it seemed to be a different situation (to the level I was worried she’d turn Venin or something). Have her powers changed with Andarna growing? — WHY DID ANDARNA GROW? How long was she asleep for? What does that make the powers now? … also morbid question I don’t want the answer to but have a fear of learning: if Tairn dies could Andarna keep Violet alive?.. I just have a bad feeling about one of her dragons all things considered. — I’m just scared of who’s going to die next book since clearly they are not afraid to kill the ones I love.

Not important, probably fine, but how’s Rhi? I miss my bestie girl… where is she? What’s up babe? Will I get my crew back? Please tell me she and Riddoc did no betraying.😅😅

And of course between characters and secrets and the final chapter being Xaden’s perspective: what are the many stories he has yet to tell? What’s the deal with his mom? What’s all those one line mentions of things to catch Violet up on?.. please tell me we resume in time so it’s not 5 chapter of brief references & 0 explanations?

I have a bad feeling the robed Venin are someone we know or a bigger deal… also probably Dain’s dad being evil… and some big horrible betrayal upcoming and hurting my babies so not looking forward to that.

Mostly it’ll be fun to see what another year looks like… especially when Xaden graduates… and is tethered to Violet who is going to probably hate him & fill the book with angst… so I’m gonna have to strap in for a bump ride I suppose. We shall see! And no spoilers please these questions are rhetorical/hypothetical😂 though if anything happens to Liam’s little sister give me a heads up please🙃

Finally, in review of the first book:

I love Violet. Her heart is her first power, I love the brave fierce way she loves, and has a true compass for goodness… the way she didn’t blink at rebellion if it was right; she processed that extraordinarily fast & it says a lot as to her as a character. I love her wit, which is honestly awe striking and a superpower in itself and we just LOVE a smart heroine. She is also an awesome representation for the EDS/Chronic Illness community and FMC’s in general, which I greatly appreciated (especially for how relatable she managed to be not only for the disability community, but young identifying women who get called “crazy” or “not believed”, kids who are bullied (though this book is not for kids😅😂) and just generally speaking esp. for being fantasy fiction… she’s funny, she’s a mood, and her POV was great).

On the note of representation: I also loved the way they did adaptations (such as the saddle for example: because she did the work, and it’s just not accessible, so why not make it functional? The debate she has of using it or not resembles conversations I’ve had with many people when it comes to mobility aids, they worry about people seeing, about people thinking them less capable, about the mentality of “power through it” when really it makes more sense just to use the help you have when you need it… it’s not an act of weakness or lesser). The way Rhi even tries to compliment it, to encourage her, and the agency it still gives Tairn & even Andarna, who’s a friggin time-stopping dragon (she’s certainly not weak even if she is not as “strong”—not the word I’m looking for as the other dragons, she’s still a dragon) and she too uses the help!

And the dynamics they have within chronic illness relationships… from the over-protective: I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN many people end up with in siblings & previous caregivers. To the truth that there are some things you cannot do on your own and that’s okay even if your never okay with it. To the way Xaden not once thinks less of Violet for it or gives her special treatment; he is fair to each of them (well as fair as Xaden can be amid murder school). Or the way Dain’s comfort quickly turns into a stinging degradation even if it’s well-meaning & frankly valid (she may very well get herself killed there, he’s not wrong; but he also could, and she could die just as easily getting sent back) it’s her choice, and she does a damn good job honestly. And they try to give agency to Violet in that where they can and I appreciated that.

I love Tairn a lot, especially in character dynamics like his humor & protective affection for Violet in reminding her she is worthy & also please don’t die. He loves a lot, especially for such a “scary, tough” dragon. There’s a strength to that sort of love. And of course Andarna who is a fierce, brave, loving, joyous, other half to Violet’s soul… how could you not love her?

Xaden managed to avoid some very frequent and infuriating YA love interest tropes that I appreciated and while I won’t claim him to be “perfect” (because I know all YA novels have a problem if we’re gonna make it real world) but for the sake of character I actually found him to be not only attractive, intriguing, and entertaining as the classic “rebellious, bad boy, enemies to lovers, angsty brooding burdened softy” but also empowering, fiercely loving, protective but not stifling, and some strong standing points that are needed such as consent, or the why as to how he cares for people. He’s got good reasoning. He’s not needlessly cruel. He also has a cause he is a rebel with a cause, and not some nonsensical brooding, no he has reason. Generally I found him interesting & entertaining without being infuriating. And while he has his issues he’s a very young guy kinda issues? Idk the right way to put it. But I do think him and Violet with trust, and no “forced bodyguard” situations have the potential to be a really awesome couple. I mean he’s pretty much a shadow boi… like it’s fairly simple😂 and she’s the sunny & stormy trope. So, of course I’m an absolute idiot for him and find them sweet.

Also thanks for making the best friend bi! And if I’m correct some non-binary characters too! This book did a good job at trying to give some more representation. And managed to go beyond the basics of YA novels.

Overall it made me laugh it made me cry, I’m not calling it the perfect book but minus killing off one of my favorite characters it was a lot of fun and I look forward to the next one and think this will definitely be a favorite series of all time. And while I’ll process for fuller reviews (not that this isn’t already obnoxiously long). I really enjoyed this one a LOT!

So, off to Iron Flame with our theories, feels, and thoughts we go! Wish me luck! And we’re almost to Onyx Storm so yay for all you long-term fans!

(Should I read slow to avoid waiting a few days inbetween? I’m worried for a cliff-hanger😂)

Oh, and because he deserves to be in here: Yes, Liam was a favorite from day one. He always will be. He was just genuinely good, easy to like, funny, entertaining in his conversations to everyone, depth to the feelings it brought he added layers to many stories, he was kind and loyal… so loyal… somehow even to Violet, even with the lies, he was a good friend and he loved them all a lot. And more than just brawn (though also he was described to be a total heartthrob) he was also smart! And he learned sign language which I always love as someone who grew up speaking ASL for my sisters… he was the best of his class, and frankly just deserved a lot more. Watch Deigh & then him die broke me and I really thought they’d find a way out of it because he just loved his friends so much.😭 And I hate that this is gonna be the pain of the next book… it’s a little too personal for me right now in my own real life with holiday grief & stuff so I totally bawled like a baby… and the fact he said he just wanted to be alive, and see his sister… yeah-not-okay-enough to write this. I shall miss our sweet bb blonde wood carver boi.

Okay, time to go be basic: fall for the shadow guy, root for the FMC & project my life onto her, feel all the ship angst, cry for the fictional sweetheart, & totally fall for whatever the writes me to like/hate & guiltily forgive/hold onto…

[bigswitchenergyy]

RWRB movie thoughts (SPOILER HEAVY!)

So, I watched it. Twice. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.

First off, non-spoilers - I loved this movie. I loved the energy, I loved the humor, I loved the chemistry between all of the actors. Taylor and Nick in particular had phenomenal chemistry and I can't stop thinking about them and firstprince and how beautiful it all was. I miss the boys already. 😭 SPOILERS!!

I'm gonna get the (incredibly minor) gripes out of the way.

We got cornbread!! But we didn't get "cornbread knows my sins" which I was a little bummed about. But the beauty of the scene as a whole absolutely made up for it.

The lack of the emotional kiss after the fight really bugged me, because to me, that kiss is the breaking point for them both. That's the "gonna love this stubborn shithead forever" moment, and it's all of the tension and pain and heartbreak poured out into a desperate, hungry, incredibly passionate kiss. going right from "tell me to leave" to the V&A felt a little like mood whiplash, but the V&A scene is so good I can get past it pretty easily

I wish we could have had more of their emails, the phone call where Henry begins to open up about his family, and more pet names. Especially more baby, considering how much that one word affects Henry in the book.

I know why Matthew did it but fuck Miguel, I miss Rafael and Liam

WE NEEDED MORE PEZ, NORA, AND BEA

Now, for my favorite quotes/moments!!

"I'd break the sound barrier for you." when i tell you i fucking screamed into a pillow and sobbed

HISTORY HUH BEING SAID AT THE V&A, I LOVED IT SO MUCH, I SQUEALED AUDIBLY

THE CAKE SCENE, 10/10

Zahra and Amy are the absolute fucking best and were truly able to shine in a way I didn't expect, I'm so glad we got so many great scenes

"I will brexit your head from your body" I know it was in the trailer but it's SO FUCKING FUNNY

The texting scenes were done so well?? I loved hearing their voices saying the lines and I loved the way they portrayed the long distance conversations. The turkey scene in particular is fucking cinema

THE MOTHERFUCKING RED ROOM SCENE. NEED I SAY MORE.

THE SCENE RIGHT AFTER?? AND THEN THE ONE IN ALEX'S ROOM?? I'M FUCKING WEAK, MAN. THEIR CHEMISTRY IS OFF THE CHARTS

The closet scene was SO good. Watching Alex's entire perception of the man change in a matter of minutes is so well done, and Henry realizing that Alex's feelings about it all were completely valid & apologizing is so 10/10

jesus fuck, PARIS. OH MY GOD. The cafe scene, the one where they're taking a walk, and then their first time having sex. It's so beautiful and emotional and i just... I was breathless watching it. It's steamy but it's just beautiful and loving and the way alex and henry are just so enamored with each other absolutely destroyed me.

"You don't know what that's like." "I'm learning." SOBBING

the entire new year's eve sequence was wonderful. Henry's so happy when he's with Alex and Alex is just so happy he's there, and then that fucking SHOT?? The way they're just staring at each other across the crowded room?? C I N E M A

The first kiss was STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK and it was MAGICAL

Nora is a queen and deserved more screentime but I LOVE her scenes with Alex. I think having her not be his ex in this version is a nice change too

And, of course, the motherfucking STORMING OF KENSINGTON. The boys acted their asses off and Nick in particular broke my heart so many times over

The leak. The leaaaaak. fuck.

"Hello?" "Baby." "Alex??" when i tell you i cried so hard

the piano scene 10/10

THE SCENE WHERE THEY COME OUT TO THE CROWD. THE ENTIRE END TBH

CASEYYY!!!!!!

So, yeah. I loved this movie. I'm gonna be thinking about it for a long time, and I sincerely hope Matthew releases the extended cut & all of the deleted scenes and bloopers, because we NEED THEM.

I also hope that Matthew, Casey, Nick, and Taylor know how much we love this film and book. How thankful we are that these beautiful characters were not only written, but then able to come to life. I will forever be thankful for Alex Claremont-Diaz and Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor (yes, i'm using his book last name LMAO) and for their beautiful love.

[grace-williams-xo]

One Direction is the reason I’m the writer I am today.

Sure I was writing stories and printing them to put in a display folder when I was 8, before one direction existed, but fanfiction has become everything to me. The first one I ever read was one direction, in 2013, and within a few months I’d started several one direction multi chaps.

I created Grace Williams in 2014, to share one direction fics in a safe space. Look at me now. The natural crossover got me into 5sos fics, and their fandom, then one direction was over. They lived within me longer than 2015, even if they barely have for the last few years now. The writer they sparked to life in 2013 will always live within me, and for that I must be thankful.

I’m not blind, I’d seen the spiral of Liam since the band ended. It’s not hard to connect how the one touted as the responsible leader of the group fell apart from the pressure of that label, and the lack of structure outside the group everyone told him to take care of. Many things in the past six ish years and have made me question so much about so many things, because, for those unaware, Liam was my favourite in the band. It went on to provide a lesson in parasocial relationships that wasn’t particularly fun, but many teenage girls go through.

One Direction gave me friends that far transcended the band, in time and commonality. It’s weird to think that there’s friends I made a decade or more ago, because of a little band I only ever saw live once, that I either still talk to or they—at the very least cross—my mind fondly and sporadically.

Liam was complicated, as was loving him, but that’s the humanity of it. A not small part of me was still processing, though not head on or particularly well, the horrific and indefensible allegations that surfaced in the last few weeks. It can be, and is, true that victims deserve compassion and that no one deserves to die so young. There’s almost grotesque parallels between the grief of his alleged victims, and that of his friends and family. No one will ever get the closure they truly deserve.

I am reminded of two things. First, the death of comedian Lenny Bruce and the way that was immediately exploited in ways similar to TMZ’s actions. It says so much about how society struggles to find humanity for the living, when some can’t even find humanity for the deceased. The second thing I’m reminded of is a funeral I went to, of man who passed at a similar age, and at the funeral his family found out he had had a girlfriend for the last almost two years. It says that we so often miss things in the lives of those closest to us, and also—I think—that we should love so openly. Love is not finite, but life is.

Lastly, on an ever so slightly lighter note, I’d like to once again suggest you all listen to (if you want to listen to some of his music) the First Time EP. First Time (the song) is meh but the rest of that EP is the strongest releases of his solo career. They have a vulnerability most of the rest of what he did after the band doesn’t, and easily display how this was the man instrumental in writing so much of One Direction’s discography. Liam and Louis’ writing was a perfect storm in the band.

The core of my feelings eludes me, feelings running away from coherent sentences to describe them, but that’s the humanity of grief and love.

–GW xo

[justchillinoutinmeb0x]

I am absolutely gutted.

In light of Liam's death, I have had many emotions and opinions and I just feel as if I need a place to share them so that will be this post, if you are not in a good head space please scroll.

I would like to make it clear that I in no way condone what Liam has recently done and I stand with the victims. He needed to be called out but that does not mean he deserved death.

I will be honest. I was not a huge fan of One Direction growing up. I had merch, and I enjoyed their music. I fawned over their looks and voices with all the other girls my age. I can not even begin to understand how the original Directioners are feeling at this moment, and my heart goes out to you.

Grief and death have always been weird concepts to me, I've always had trouble dealing with them but this is a whole new level, while I do not grieve the man Liam became, I grieve the boy he once was. I grieve for the young bright soul we lost and for all the laughs he will miss, for all the hugs that will never happen.

My heart is with his family and friends, his fans, and especially the other boys. I can't imagine the heartbreak they are experiencing. We didn't know Liam like they do, we'll never know who he truly was but they always have. I am not a religious woman but I have prayed for them all, and for the first time in a long time, I have hoped heaven is real so I can know his soul is at peace.

I find it absolutely disgusting that there were "fans" in their comments demanding statements from the boys and Liam's family and bashing them for their silence. Shame on you those people are grieving, they are shattered. Each and every one of their post made me sob, but I hope those posts came when they were ready, not when they felt pressure.

It is okay to grieve someone you never met, it is okay to grieve for someone you have never spoken to because maybe the things they've done and the music they create spoke to you. It is okay to grieve who someone once was even if you do not grieve what they become. Death is tragic no matter who the victim is. A mom and father lost their son, sisters lost their brother, boys lost a friend, a son lost his father and that alone is a reason to grieve.

Grief looks different for all of us; so you do what you must. Watch old videos and interviews for the next week, listen to the music on repeat, cope with others in the fandom, or get off social media entirely if it's too much for you. Find your way to deal with this news.

Please take care of one another. Hold your friends a little tighter the next time you hug them. Tell them you love them more, stay up that extra 20 minutes to talk to them. Live your life to the fullest, tomorrow will never be promised and even if it's not your last day it may be someone else's.

We need to open up the conversation about mental health. I know how difficult it is to talk about but you can ask someone 100 times if they're okay and they'll tell you yes, but sometimes it's the 101's time that will save them. And if you are struggling with your mental health please reach out, please get yourself the help you need. You don't need to be "sicker" to qualify for help. You don't need to be suicidal or depressed to qualify for help.

I promise there are a million reasons to stay, believe me, I fight this battle as well. Stay, someone will miss you. Your parents, siblings, friends, pets, teachers, Batista's, an internet friend. There is someone out there who will miss you. Please stay.

I know this is just my little post but to Harry, Zayn, Louis, and Niall. If you ever read this just know how much you mean to all of us. My heart is with you during this tragic time and I won't say that I hope you're okay because I know you're not. But I hope you are surrounded by loved ones, friends, and family who will help you through this loss. The music you all created for us with Liam will always be cherished by your fans. I want to believe that if heaven is real then Liam is watching over all of you now. We all love you, take all the time you need we don't mind waiting.

And to Liam, if you can somehow see this. You were and still are loved. Not only by your friends and family but by the millions of people your music saved, and I mean saved. Music is a healer and I know it's been the reason so many people have stayed just one more day on this earth. I wish you would have had the chance to get the help you needed, I wish we hadn't lost you so soon. I hope wherever you are is more peaceful than it was here, I hope you're safe.

Sleep well my love, you will be missed X.