He’s begging babe stay, stay, stay- Matty Healy x Reader
a/n: self titled era has a special place in my heart and I wanted to write a proper story regarding this era. Sorry if it’s shit and it feels like it’s very long.
content warning: maybe a bit angsty? fluff, smut, 18+ MDNI, p in v, dry humping, fingering, praise, dirty talk
It’s a shit day. All you have done until now is count the hours until your brother Ross is leaving to go on tour with his band.
The past days the boys were at your house just hanging around, smoking and to practice in your garage. You know because you spent time in the living room, pretending to work when all you’ve done is watch him or listen to his voice.
Matty's voice, raw and magnetic, cut through the music. Every time he sang, it felt like the world around you blurred, leaving only his voice in sharp focus.
Some times in their breaks you prayed that he would leave the garage to get a drink and when he did you felt giddy, like a nervous school girl.
Your eyes followed his every move. His black skinny jeans clinging to his body, the black shirt and leather jacket matching his persona. He’s just so attractive.
You’re grateful that Ross is part of the band. The past years have been a blessing because you could innocently see Matty and be around him without it being weird.
Your heart started racing when he entered the room, most of the times it was the middle of the night and you were grateful for the darkness that hid your flushed cheeks. You tried to focus on your breathing, but it was futile. The mere thought of him noticing you made you feel like a bundle of nerves. You had been around these boys all your life, but Matty—Matty was different.
You’re dreading the moment he leaves the house for good..
21:18- You’re sitting on the porch trying to smoke the thoughts away but every drag hurts your lung immensely.
They’re playing ‘you’ right now and you can’t help but close your eyes to the muffled music. You really will cry to the end. Cry until there’s no tears left. Maybe it’s over the top because you can’t even hold eye contact with Matty and he would never fall for you.
You’re very aware of the many different girls he had or has. And you, you had your first kiss a month ago with some football player because you tried to forget about him but you just can’t.
The reality of their imminent departure is settling in. The garage is alive with music, but you feel the weight of the upcoming silence. You will miss Ross, of course. His absence will leave a void in the house, but Matty's absence will leave a void in your heart.
You take another drag, the smoke burning your throat. The stars above are a blur through your tears. You wish you can be brave enough to tell him how you feel, but the fear of rejection is paralyzing. You would rather suffer in silence than risk the delicate balance of your current reality.
As the song changes to ‘robbers’, you let yourself sink into the music. The lyrics feel like they are written for you, capturing the longing and the heartache you can’t express. Tomorrow, they will be gone, and you will be left with nothing but memories and unspoken words.
You exhale slowly, the smoke dissipating into the night air. The porch light flicker, casting fleeting shadows. The night is as restless as you are, and the loneliness is beginning to set in. You hug your knees to your chest, feeling the cold concrete against your skin, and let the tears fall.
The music winds down, the final chords of hanging in the air like a whispered goodbye. You feel the silence settling in, heavy and inevitable. The garage door creaks open, and the boys' laughter floats out into the night, but it feels distant, like it belongs to another world. You crush the cigarette under your foot, watching the embers fade, a mirror to your fading hope.
You’re sitting there hugging your knees, covering your face and you can’t even hear footsteps approaching.
“D’you mind some company?”
This can’t be.
You look up, mascara completely ruined but you wipe your face with your sleeves. Matty is looking at you and his gaze drops, you think it’s almost a bit of worry.
“Shit,” he says, “sorry, I can go if I’m interrupting?”
“No no, it’s ok.” You say, pulling out another cigarette.
He nods as he leans against a wooden beam in your driveway, mirroring your movements by also lighting a cigarette.
The silence is sickening. You sure as hell won’t say anything because he caught you crying like a wimp in front of the door while they are playing their songs.
“S’ it Ross?” You think about how stupid the question is and you agree with Matty even though you want to say, ‘No, it's you.’
"Yeah," you lie, nodding. "It's Ross. Just gonna miss having him around."
Matty takes a drag, his eyes fixed on some distant point in the darkness. "He'll be back, you know. It’s just a tour. He’ll come home."
You nod, the lie sitting heavy in your chest. "I know. It's just... different without him here."
He flicks the ash from his cigarette, the glow illuminating his features for a brief moment. "Yeah, it's always different when someone's gone. Makes you realize how much you take them for granted."
He’s looking at you. He’s seeing you. The way he looks at you makes your breath catch in your throat. There's an intensity in his gaze, a softness that you rarely see. It's like he's trying to understand, to reach out without words.
You wonder how he sees you. Here you are, sitting on the porch with ruined mascara, tears staining your cheeks, and your heart on display. It's embarrassing, and you feel exposed under his gaze. But there's something in the way he looks at you that makes you think he sees more than just the tears and the smudged makeup. Maybe he sees the vulnerability, the raw emotion that you've been trying to hide.
You want to tell him it's not just Ross. That the thought of him leaving is what's tearing you apart. But the words stick in your throat, and you just nod again, staring at the ground.
“Ross became my family as well,” he says softly, “means you’re family too and we all are going to miss you.”
Your heart aches at his words, knowing how much more they mean to you than they do to him. "Thanks, Matty.“
You wonder if it’s the last time you’ll say his name, how long it will take for you to say it again.
“How long until you leave here?” You ask hoping deep down he tells you they won’t leave at all.
“Planned on leaving at 2,” he tries to smile, “punctuality isn’t our strength as you may know.”
You manage a small laugh, though it feels hollow. "Yeah, I know."
He glances at his watch and then back at you. "It's not too late. We still have some time. You should come inside, hang out with us for a bit.”
“I think I’ll stay out here for a bit.” You want to be alone with him, and the thought of being in a room with the whole band right now feels overwhelming. So you decline, shaking your head gently.
He seems to understand, not pushing further. Instead, he surprises you by sitting down next to you on the porch steps. The proximity sends a rush of warmth through you, even in the cool night air.
"Y'know, I've always liked these quiet moments. Sometimes, it's nice to just... be.”
You nod, appreciating his words. "Yeah, it is.”
He turns his head slightly to look at you, and you meet his gaze. There's a softness in his eyes, a hint of something that feels almost like longing.
You notice Matty's smell—a mix of his cologne, a hint of leather from his jacket, and something distinctly him. It’s comforting and intoxicating, a scent you know you'll miss.
You shift slightly, turning to face him. "Do you ever think about what comes next?" you ask, your voice barely above a whisper.
He looks at you, his eyes reflecting the dim porch light. "Sometimes," he admits. "But it's hard to focus on the future when the present is so demanding."
You nod, understanding all too well. "I get that. But I mean, beyond the tours and the music. What do you see for yourself?"
He takes a deep breath, his gaze thoughtful. "Honestly, I don't know. I guess I hope for something more stable, something real. It's easy to get lost in the chaos, but I want to find something that grounds me." His eyes drop to your lips and if you would have blinked in that moment you would have missed it. “Someone who grounds me.”
“I understand,” you gulp, wanting to be the person.
“I think about it.” You frown, not knowing what he means. “What it would be like to settle down, find someone real.”
“Like a relationship?”
“Yeah,” he says quietly, “someone who just gets it. Would sort me out I think.”
“Maybe.” You could fucking punch yourself. You’re giving short ass answers but you’re scared to say more. You’re scared that if you reveal yourself it would be so much worse when he’s gone.
He leans back slightly, his arm brushing against yours. "Maybe it's not so far off, you know? Sometimes, the right person is closer than you think."
You feel a blush rising to your cheeks, and you look away, hoping he doesn't notice. But he does and he thinks it’s for the wrong reason.
“Do you have a person?” He asks.
“Don’t you think you would know, you’re here all the time.”
He chuckles and it might be your favorite sound. “Alright you’ve got a point there, love.”
Love. It’s a british thing but your heart still skips a beat, and a warmth spreads through your chest, melting away any lingering doubts or fears. The simple term of endearment feels like a promise, a glimpse of something more between you.
“Does it mean you still haven’t had your first kiss yet?” The question surprises you, he’s very forward and it makes you regret that you didn’t wait. Because maybe he could’ve been your first kiss.
“No I had my first kiss,” you say, “wasn’t anything serious though.”
“How was it?”
That’s the Matty you’re familiar with. Not the ‘romance talk’ kind of guy but the guy who has a shit eating grin on his face because he’s experienced and wants to know everything about the sex life of others.
“Not sure,” you cringe, “wasn’t how I imagined it.”
“How did you imagine it?”
“I didn’t imagine him slipping me tongue the second we kiss,” you groan at the memory and he laughs, “and he was just so violent, didn’t really feel good.”
He hums, stepping out the cigarette. “S’ a bummer, everyone should know how a good kiss feels.”
You don’t know what he’s hinting at because it would be dumb to assume he’s projecting the statement on to you.
“Not every guy is like that.” He says and your eyes find his again, “mate was bloody inexperienced.”
Matty is only 23 years old, three years older than you. Can’t be that much of a different between the guys.
"Yeah, well, it's not like I've got a lot of experience either," you admit, feeling a bit exposed.
He gives you a sympathetic look, but there's a playful edge to it. "Experience isn't everything, love. It's about the connection, the moment. And trust me, when it's right, you'll know."
You do know. You know with him, you’re sure that you want to kiss him. You want to experience life with him, do everything.
“A good kiss shouldn’t leave you feeling anything but wanted.” He shifts closer, his thigh now next to yours.
You look at him, feeling a flutter of nerves in your stomach. "Yeah?"
He nods, his gaze never leaving yours. “Yeah.”
You can feel the electricity in the air as Matty leans closer, his eyes locked onto yours with an intensity that makes your heart race. Your mind is a whirlwind of emotions—excitement, fear, longing. For years, you’ve harbored these feelings for him, tucking them away in the corners of your heart. He’s always been more than just your brother’s bandmate. He’s been the one who makes your pulse quicken, the one whose presence can light up your entire day.
You've watched him with other girls, feeling a pang of jealousy each time. You've imagined what it would be like to be the one he looks at with that mischievous grin, the one he holds close in the quiet moments. And now, here you are, on the brink of something you’ve dreamed about for so long.
Your thoughts are a jumble, your heart pounding in your chest. You want to kiss him so badly it aches. The desire has been building for years, a slow burn that has now become an overwhelming flame. The way he makes you feel—giddy, nervous, hopeful—no one else has ever come close. He’s the reason you find yourself smiling for no reason, the reason your heart feels too big for your chest sometimes.
You glance at his lips, and the anticipation makes your breath hitch. You’re nervous, of course you are—this is Matty, the guy you’ve loved from a distance for so long. But beneath the nerves, there’s a deeper, more insistent feeling: the need to finally close the gap, to feel his lips on yours and know what it’s like to be kissed by him.
You swallow hard, feeling a mix of excitement and fear. "Matty, I... I don't know what I'm doing."
"That's alright, love. Everyone's gotta start somewhere. Just tell me what you want." He gives you a reassuring smile, his hand brushing against yours.
You take a deep breath, gathering your courage. "I want... I want to know what a good kiss feels like."
His smile widens, a glint of something mischievous in his eyes. "Well, I can help with that."
You nod, feeling a rush of anticipation.
He leans in slowly, giving you time to back away if you want. But you don't. Instead, you tilt your head slightly, your eyes fluttering closed as his lips meet yours.
The kiss is gentle at first, his lips soft and warm against yours. There's no rush, no urgency, just a slow, deliberate exploration. His hand cups your cheek, his thumb brushing lightly against your skin.
You relax into the kiss, feeling the spark, the connection. It's everything he said it would be—electric, grounding, and utterly unforgettable.
It's like every dream, every late-night fantasy you've ever had is coming to life in this single, perfect moment. His lips are warm and soft, moving gently against yours, and it feels as if time has stopped.
Your heart is racing, pounding so hard you're sure he must feel it too. There's a nervous excitement bubbling inside you, mingling with a deep, almost overwhelming sense of joy. The kiss is tender, unhurried, and you can feel the care and attention he's giving to every movement. It's everything you imagined and more.
Years of unspoken longing, of watching him from afar and wishing for this very moment, flood through you. You've dreamed of this kiss, of being close to him like this, feeling his breath mix with yours. The reality of it surpasses every fantasy, every hopeful thought. The connection you feel is electric, a spark igniting between you that sends shivers down your spine.
His hands are gentle, one cupping your cheek, the other resting lightly on the small of your back. The warmth of his touch sends shivers through your body, grounding you in this moment. The way he holds you feels protective, yet respectful, as if he's cradling something precious.
You almost whine when he pulls back.
“How’s that?” He asks, a soft murmur, his thumb still caressing your cheek.
You don’t have any words. You have to concentrate that you won’t start crying because of all the things you felt while his lips were on yours.
“Where’s your mind gone, love?” He asks, lifting your chin, not even realizing that you dropped it. “Care to tell me?”
He stops and he puts his hand back to his own body. You’re scared now, that you’ve done something wrong, that you’re too innocent for him.
“Was the kiss shit?”
“No!” It comes out way too fast, “it was the opposite.”
You can tell he’s relieved but he still doesn’t know why you’re reacting this way.
“I just don’t- ugh,” you groan.
“Take your time.”
You would but the truth is you don’t have time.
“I don’t want it to end but I don’t think you realize what you’re doing to me.” You admit and it’s a huge step for you.
“I think we have a lot to chat about hm?” He says and stands up. You don’t, you only stand up when he offers you his hand.
Matty’s hand reaches out, his fingers slowly intertwining with yours. The contact is gentle yet firm, his touch sending a thrill through your body. Your fingers are cold from the night air, but his are warm, and the contrast makes you shiver slightly.
The warmth of his hand spreads through you, soothing the anxiety that had been knotting in your stomach. His fingers fit perfectly between yours, like two pieces of a puzzle coming together. It feels so natural, so right, and you can’t help but squeeze his hand gently, as if to reassure yourself that this is real.
He smiles, his eyes filled with a mix of affection and relief. "Your hands are freezing," he murmurs, his thumb lightly brushing over the back of your hand.
You laugh softly, the sound a little shaky. "Yeah, well, it’s not exactly warm out here."
“Let me talk to the boys real quick, then we can go inside yeah?”
“Sure.” You don’t know what he’s going to say to them, if he’s going to tell them the truth about where he’s going and what he’s doing but on the other hand you don’t even know what he’s doing.
He’s leaving you on the doorstep and you already pull out your keys to open the door. When he comes back you embrace him. His eyes meet yours, and for a moment, everything else fades away. He's wearing that familiar smirk, his hair tousled, and you can't help but admire how effortlessly handsome he looks. There's a magnetism to him, a charm that draws you in
“Your room alright to talk?” He asks as you both go inside, where it is a lot warmer. The heat is getting to you and you feel a familiar tingly feeling in your stomach.
You don’t want to wait until you can talk or kiss again or feel him on you. You want to grab his arm and pull him against you and devour him whole. But you’re too shy to let him know.
“It’s straight down the hall,” you mumble, letting him lead you upstairs, his hands now intertwined with yours again.
22:30- And you’re in your room, sitting on the bed which is fucking exciting because Matty is sitting on your bed.
He’s getting rid of his jacket and throws it on a little chair next to your dest. He’s wearing a basic black shirt with a cutout, his tattoo on display for you.
“Talk to me, I want to know what’s on your mind, and clearly there’s a lot on your mind.” You both sit on the edge of the bed and after he’s gotten rid of his jacket he grabbed your hand again.
“I don’t know where to start,” you whisper truthfully.
Matty's hand tightens around yours, and you feel a rush of nerves as you meet his gaze. His eyes hold a mixture of curiosity and warmth, encouraging you to speak your mind.
“I don't know how to say this," you begin, your voice barely above a whisper. "But I've... I've liked you for a while now."
He raises an eyebrow, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips. "Is that so?" he says, his tone light.
You nod, feeling a flush creeping up your cheeks. "Yeah. And I don't know... I don't know how to interpret the kiss. Why did you kiss me?"
Matty lets out a soft laugh, his thumb tracing circles on the back of your hand. "Why does anyone kiss anyone?" he replies, his gaze meeting yours. "Because they want to, I s’pose."
You can't help but scoff at his nonchalant response.
“You think too much, love.” He chuckles and grabs your chin to look at him. “I kissed you because I like you as well.”
“You do?” You ask.
This is all happening very fast and you doubt his words, not believing that he likes you.
As Matty's words sink in, you feel like you're floating in a dream. Did he really just say that he kissed you because he likes you too? The thought sends a rush of warmth through your entire being, and you can't help but let out a breathless laugh.
“I do,” he nods.
“Now what?”
“Up to you, love,” your head is pounding, the room is spinning, the kiss from earlier still in your head and you just want the feeling back.
You lean forward to kiss him again, your lips finding his and his hand on the back of your neck, making sure you won’t leave his your place. You can’t breathe which makes you gasp and matty slides his tongue into your mouth.
You didn’t know that this can be hot, you go with the flow, letting your tongue brush against his in a steady rhythm. You’re getting hot, your skin is on fire and you’re sure he can feel it.
You’re panting more than Matty when you both pull back to breathe. Your pupils are already dilated and you’re ready for more. You’re never ready for anything but with Matty it just feels right.
“Can we just do this for a while?” You ask, wanting to be absolutely sure of what you’re going to ask him in a couple of minutes.
“Of course, love, it’s your pace we’re going for.” You smile at his answer but before you can kiss him again he speaks.
“Can you get on my lap, it’s more comfortable this way.” You blush but nod.
You waist no time to sit yourself fully on top of him, your legs on each side of his narrow hips. You stare at him through half lidded eyes, if you were a cartoon there would surely be hearts drawn all over them, as he captures your lips in a slow kiss. The two of you sigh and grunt into each other's mouths, moaning softly when hands met bare skin, pulling and squeezing all the right places.
“Breathe, love, we’ve got time.”
“We don’t.”
You melt into the next kiss, your arms wrapped around his neck. You feel him, he’s hard and you want to grind your hips but you have self control and you don’t know if that’s what you want.
He feels the same though, wanting to touch you everywhere at the same time, wanting to undress you and show you how much you mean to him.
He finally lets his hands wander over your sides, under your shirt and you sigh into his mouth. You still need more. “Can I touch you here?” He asks, referring to your boobs and you nod.
His hands meet your waist, run over your tummy, and up to your breasts, palming them lightly, not quite the way you are expecting. You grab wherever you can get your hands on — his shoulders, his back, pulling him closer and closer — huffing when it’s getting too much, or too little.
The kisses you share are still slow, sensual, following the rise and fall your shared breathing, but this time he follows your lead, running his hands over your thighs, your hips, grabbing your ass and dragging it over the front of his jeans, where you can feel him. You bite his lower lip, and your eyes are still closed but you can feel his smile.
“Need to tell me f’ you want something,” he says against your lips.
You hum, not saying anything but you roll your hips again, whimpering when the friction is perfect against your clothed pussy.
“Wait, love,” he makes you whine as he stills your hips. “Need to know what you’ve done.”
“Nothing more then kiss.” You say and he’s not even surprised anymore.
“Oh,” he groans, he’s fully turned on and he can’t believe it’s him who’s going to show you how perfect you can feel. “I don’t want to pressure you, I’m fine with kissing.”
“I’m not,” you interrupt, “please just do something.”
You’re begging and it drives him insane. “Alright alright, lay down for me, will you?”
You lay down on the bed and watch him get rid of his shirt, throwing it on top of his jacket. He’s crawling over you, kissing your face before moving down to your neck.
“You touched yourself before though right?”
You nod, feeling too embarrassed to let out words. He’s sucking at your neck so sweetly you’re sure you’ll forget your name.
“Can I?” He refers to your shirt and you answer with a short ‘yes.’ He pulls your shirt over your head and you reveal your black lace bra to him.
He groans, “if you want me to stop,” he says, his lips returning to your fiery skin, trailing barely there kisses down the expanse of your neck. Your eyes flutter shut, hands grasping at his bare sides. “You tell me right away.” His kisses litter your throat, your collarbone, all the way to your breasts. “Understand?”
“Yes,” you moan.
“Clever girl,” the praise goes straight to your core which you are pressing against his bulge.
“Lift up—” he says, giving your thighs a light tap. You lift your hips from the mattress, allowing him room to shuffle the fabric off your legs. You assist him towards the end, fluttering your feet until you could kick the jeans to the floor. Within seconds, he is back between your thighs, this time straddling his shoulders as he settles further down the mattress. His face inches away from your cunt, now only protected by the thin cotton barrier.
“And when you touch yourself,” he continues, fingers tracing the softest shapes on the outside of your thighs, over your hips. You can feel his hot breath through your panties, and it makes you squirm. “How many fingers do you use?”
“Two- sometimes three, like to rub my clit though.” You are even surprised that you’re vocal but your eyes are on the clock and you know there’s no time for being shy.
“Can do that f’you, let me?”
“Yes yes.” He slides off your panties.
He never takes his lips off of yours when you feel the pads of his fingers prod at your hole, already leaking with desire. You anticipated his fingers to be much larger than yours, but when he sinks his two digits in, the stretch is satisfying. The way he works up your arousal aiding in how easy it is to slowly pump them in and out, curling up ever so slightly to find the spongy spot inside of you.
“Matty.”
He begins to quicken his pace, the flex of his forearm curving his fingers up into that sweet spot with precision, leaving your toes to clench and your thighs to squeeze around his head.
You are begging for his name like a prayer, the only word you can find as your abdomen tightens, a subtle tremor cursing through your legs.
“You’re a dream come true.”
You brush his hair from his forehead, wanting to have a clear view of his eyes when your jaw falls slack, the euphoric high starting at your core and bursting out over the rest of you.
At first, you couldn’t move, can’t think, couldn’t breathe. But Matty keeps working thumb on your clit and his fingers inside of you through your orgasm so adamantly that your head flings back, and a lewd moan echoing off your lips.
“Fuck,” you whine and when he drags his fingers out of you, you can hear the sound of your slick.
He takes them into his mouth, licking the glistening off of his finger. “Taste so sweet, love.”
He lays completely on top of you again, he’s trying not to rut into your leg but you got him so turned on it hurts.
You whine into his mouth, wanting him to fuck you but it’s your first time and you’re nervous and your mind starts rushing again.
“I got you, love, it’s just me,” yeah that’s the fucking problem. “We don’t need to go any further since you have never.”
“My first time was shit, don’t want that for you,” he continues, now you wonder about the details but maybe he can tell you some other time.
“I want this, with you Matty, no one else.” You earn another kiss to you lips.
“Hang on then,” he stands up to grab his wallet from his jacket and he pulls out a condom, it’s cliche and it’s making you giggle that he has a fucking condom in his wallet.
He pulls his pants down and his boxers and your eyes drop down to his fully hard length which is dripping red. He’s big. Now you’re scared of how it will fit.
He puts the condom on and moves on top of you again. “I’m going slow, don’t want to hurt you now do I.”
“If I do though, you tell me or tap my head okay?”
You nod and he tuts, “tell me, love.”
“I will, I promise.”
His mouth lowers down to yours as he slowly begins sheathing himself inside you, inch by inch. He is taking it slowly, which you appreciate. Feeling tears prick in the corners of your eyes at the painful but pleasurable fullness, he leans down to kiss them away.
“I will make it better yeah?, s’ normal that it hurts.”
Once he’s fully buried inside you he keeps his hips still, peppering kisses all over your face. “Shit,” you hiss, still feeling a sting.
“I know,” he keeps kissing your face, your neck, your arms to try to make it better. “Don’t worry, keep that head here with me.” He realized that you wanted to drift off again, but he keeps you in reality.
After a while the smile that adorns your lips makes him feel relieved, hating that he hurt you even for a minute. Once you are some what used to the feeling of him inside you, you lift your hips gently to show him you are ready. Matty is still hesitant with his movements, that is until you start moaning. The pain still lingers faintly, but the pleasure that’s coursing through you is enough to over come it.
“You’re such a good girl,” your hands grip his shoulders as continues to rock his hips into yours, his pace beginning to speed up. Matty is pressing a messy kiss to your lips, tongues dancing together as he makes love to you. There isn’t a doubt in your mind that this is what making love should feel like.
He brings his finger between your bodies, gently rubbing your clit. You don’t stop the constant cries from falling from your lips, head falling deeper into the pillows behind you. Matty can’t help but groan, your noises spurring him on further.
“You’re doing so good, showing me how good you feel, keep that going.”
Your nails are leaving behind crescents in the skin of his shoulders, but he doesn’t seem to mind. With his available hand he slips a pillow under your hips. Providing him a deeper angle as his thrusts become sharper.
“Stay, stay Matty, stay,” you moan. You both know how you mean those words. Of course you want him to stay inside of you but the real meaning behind those words are that you don’t want him to leave ever. You can’t handle him going away.
“It’s alright, everything’s alright hm,” You can barely get a sentence out, Matty fucking any remaining thoughts from your head.
He knows you aren’t going to last much longer, as your walls repeatedly pulse around his cock. He rubs your clit faster, feeling himself starting to loose it as you scream out his name. Your orgasm shakes your frame, as he continues to fuck you through the euphoria. It only takes a few more thrusts before Matty meets his end, singing you sweet praises as he spills into the condom.
“You’ve done so fucking good, Christ,” you can’t help but smile as he nearly collapses on top of you, his lips leaving kisses anywhere he can reach.
You’re both sweaty and exhausted, as he slowly slips out of you. You try not to wince as you feel so empty, already missing the feeling of him nestled inside you. You wonder if you ever going to know the feeling.
You watch fondly as Matty ties off the condom and tosses it in bin next to your bed. You immediately reach for him once he’s done, pulling him back down onto the blankets with you. Matty lays his head on your breasts with a content sign as you stroke your hand through his hair. The only sounds are of your breathing.
00:30- and you’re cuddling in your bed, you’re clinging to him, holding on to the remaining touch he can give you.
“Are you alright, love?” He asks.
“Yes, thank you matty.”
“Nonsense,” he says, rolling on to his back to pull you on top of him, “thank you, big step for you.”
“Yeah,” you sigh in contentment.
You drape one leg over his thigh, a hand of yours traveling over his tattoos.
“Matty?” You break the silence, looking up at him. You want to tell him how you feel, how he made you feel and how you want him in your life. You don’t want this to be the last time and you don’t want him to come back in two years with some random girl. You want to be his girl.
You think about how you tell him, if you should tell him. Minutes pass and he lifts your chin to give you a kiss. “I know.” Is all he says.
You stay like this for some time, not wanting to know the time.
-
2:15- and you look outside your window to see him driving away.
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23/8/24 [draft from friday — key + significant photos at end]
yay i can finally post this!! woke up at 6:30 and said goodmorning to boris. he was inside again, i think because of how cold it is out. i then got dressed as soon as i could so i was completely ready before the time we had to leave to go away. i put on a light gray low cut shirt, but then started freezing alive so i changed into my sleeping with sirens shirt as it was the only shirt out that i hadn’t already packed. i paired it with black ripped skinny jeans, gray + black striped arm warmers, knee high converse, danger days my chemical romance zip up, my kellin quinn necklace, a surfboard shaped wood carved necklace — and no cuffs/bracelets as this outfit is just to be worn for the car ride to the campus and then ill get changed for swimming.
after getting ready, i had a snack and painted my left hand’s nails with black nail polish. i surprisingly did them pretty neatly to how i usually do it and considering how small my nails are. within a few minutes of them being dried, half of my second smallest nail’s polish came off halfway lmao - i was going to put some more on to cover it up, but i was in a rush and i needed to do my teeth, i finished at 7. i then checked on boris again and replaced the pins on my bag. ive needed to ever since i took a ton off to put onto my jacket. all that’s left now is: incubus pin, spider-man pin, the last of us pin, t-rex pin, saliva pin, kittie pin, shark pin, beetle pin, brendon urie pin, chi cheng pin, soulfly pin, collide with the sky [pierce the veil] pin, and a silent hill pin. which sounds like a lot, but because of the way they’re set out, it dosent look like many. at least not compared to what i’m used to.
once i was done [7:18], i packed my bag. i packed: my camera, skeleton gloves, collage scraps, my collage journal, camera charger, headphone charger, extra bracelets, my spiral earrings, battery packs, my hairbrush, my wallet, hand sanitizer, meds, and my phone charger. after doing that and a few other odd bits around the house [turning off switches, making sure i’ve packed everything, etc] i went to see boris properly at 7:40. i told him about everything that’s going to be going on [who’s taking care of him, that she’s not comfortable letting him out, when we’re getting back, things like that] and said goodbye to him. i finished officially at 8:20. i’m gunna miss him so much while we’re away, but i’m excited to see him again afterwards and tell him everything.
everyone [me, my sister, my parents] got in the car at around the same. unrelated, but i also forgot to mention in yesterdays journal, archie was taken over to my sister’s friends house to be looked after. we set off at 2:30 and i looked through soul punk patrick stump videos along with a few pretty odd era panic! tiktoks. also watched my chemical romance’s song 2 [blur] cover, i don’t know why i haven’t seen this before i’m obsessed. i started journaling at 9:16 and wrote all of the paragraphs above. than at 9:30 i took a break and started listening to some music. [just surrender, fall out boy, gerard way + ray toro, frank iero, falling in reverse, blur, my chemical romance, death of a bachelor panic! at the disco, a static lullaby.]
i had a nap somewhere near 11:30 [on my seal plush] and woke up at around 12:40. i continued listening to music [CKY, HIM, frank iero, darling you should be ashamed, linkin park, lovehatehero, before today, a bullet for a pretty boy [[so underrated]], and sleeping with sirens.] i did so until 1:44 when we arrived at the resort. my dad pulled the car into the drive through place where you get your keycard/folder of leaflets and after driving round to our car park, we started unpacking into the room. on our holiday guide, it said that we could only get in our room at 3, so we were lucky to get in early. as soon as i found me & my sisters room and claimed my bed, and hung up my necklaces on the windows’ handle. along with taking a few things out of my bag + putting cuffs/band bracelets on. we did plan on going to swimming as soon as my extended family arrived, but that ended up not working out as they had to leave late.
i then took out my collage journal and started cutting up the leaflets from the folder into separate letters [etc] to make a collage tomorrow. well i say tomorrow, when i started cutting everything up, i intended for me to put everything together today. [photo at end] but i only got round to collecting the bits of paper i need. i used my stamps to print stars onto a yellow sticky note and took a couple pictures of the leaflets incase we needed anything off them after id cut them up [e.g wifi support]. me, my parents and my sister left for a show and arrived at the venue at 3:12. on the way to the venue, we met up with D [one of my cousins, his girlfriend — L, and her son, W.] we got the time wrong so we thought were really short on time, but it started 20 minutes after we found a table.
first up was a beatboxer, except he made more sound affects than sounds to make into some kind of song. he was also really funny with the way he made and timed the sound affects. it’s impossible for me to explain with unless you were there and saw him, but he was really good. next was four breakdancers, ive never really had much interest in breakdancing, but it was quite cool to watch them. one had come all the way down from japan or something.
after was one of those big hoop acts. there’s not much to say as there’s not much to explain — following on from that, a bmX rider came out and started doing all kinds of crazy tricks. i somewhat remember seeing the show itself around a year ago, but this bmX guy was different than last year. its tricky to explain a bmX show generally, but its even trickier for people to read id they don’t know what it is. so i recommend looking up bmX tricks. once he’d done his thing, a basketballer came onto stage. he was manipulating the ball and circling it around him shoulders etc. behind him was a fake button with “do not push” plastered above it. obviously, it’s a show, he ‘pressed’ the button and everytime another ball would roll out from backstage.
in the end, he was working with 5 different basketballs. it was super impressive. before the show finished, everyone came out and did all their tricks side by side. during the entire show, the beatboxer was singing and making even more sound affects. he actually had a pretty decent voice. at 4:30, after we’d all packed up our stuff and gotten ready to leave and do something else, me, my parents and my sister headed back to our room. D, L and W went off to their rooms aswell. upon getting into our chalet, i went to have a nap but ended up putting on my skates. my sister stuck on hers and we circuited a section of the resort, looking for D’s room. it didn’t take us long before we found it. but during skating around and checking door numbers, i stupidly sped round a corner on the second level of chalets and nearly fell headfirst down a huge staircase.
i assumed that it’d turn and go round the other side, so i could look at the numbers on the other rooms, as a few other of the second story ‘balconys’ or whatever you wanna call them - don’t have stairs and just follow on around the other side. but i was wrong. i slightly toppled down the first two stairs and then grabbed onto my sister’s back. luckily i didn’t make her fall over lmao // at 5:30, all of us [all of my family] went round to our restaurant for dinner. it was a little cheeky of us to even eat together as everyone in the family apart from my parents & sister have reservations for another restaurant.
after dinner, i went back to the room and stayed there for 30 minutes alone before me, my sister and my parents made our way to yet another show. we arrived at the venue and i sat near the front on the floor with my sister. my mum sat on some stairs and my dad stayed standing. it was a magic show, which is quite a complicated thing to explain, especially because i actually didn’t understand how any of the tricks were done, but i enjoyed it. also while the backstage staff were sorting out some more props the start of my generation by limp bizkit played!!
the show finished at 8, and me and my immediate family went round to the rest of the family’s chalets to check them out. i went into the more cousin based one first, the people staying in it were: RY and H, and R and E. i sat on R’s bed and just people watched [mostly] until H offered to paint my right hand’s nails dark purple as id forgotten to paint that hand in black when i was at home. then i went to see the rest of my family’s room. the family members in this chalet are my aunt and uncle, and L/W. when i came in my uncle had a jumper over the radiator and it smelt so bad and was clearly just about to light on fire. i went back into the cousin’s room/s and went to see E and see what she was doing.
she was applying gems to her eyelids with some kind of makeup glue. she asked if i wanted some and i agreed so she sat me down and gently glued the gems onto my face. [photo at end] when she was done and if verified i was happy with it, i went back to my room to quickly get something — i’m not sure what it was as im writing this on the 27th. when i got back at 9:10, we had to leave for another show. we walked across the resort and arrived at the venue to get ourselves some seats. me and E tried taking pictures of our gemmed-up eyelids together but wasn’t able to because of bad lighting. the show was advertised as a ‘rock’ festival, however the music that played was things like lizzo and ed sheeran.
i was kind of disappointed because i thought it’d be punk rock or something else i would be able to sing along to, but it was funny that we were catfished so bad. me and R just sat there making faces for eachother, indicating that ‘this isn’t rock, wtf is this’ - the performance ended at 10:20 and we went straight to another venue to join in with a ‘music dance party.’ as you can imagine, the music was dance music, but i like dance music. i somewhat danced with my grandad, E and R. R spun me around and my sister stayed swaying across the dance floor with my dad. [photo at end]
i haven’t really ever seen my dad dance before, but his favourite ‘party’ track came on and he went mad. he was doing all sorts of weird dance moves but it was cracking me up. if only whoever is reading this saw it in the moment. we parted with the rest of the family and went back to the chalet at approximately 11:30. i started to do a bit of my journal, made a picture collage of the day, and had a little nap. after my nap, i asked my parents questions about boris, said goodnight to boris via a picture of him [the picture in question is at the end] and went to sleep at 1:45.
🗝️ — boris/my cat, archie/my immediate family’s dog, questions about boris/i ask my parents questions about my cat to verify he's okay + will be okay in the morning. its a compulsive thing and i'm hopefully going to be tested for OCD in the future.
have a good day/night O_o
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