#I might try eating something with little to no gluten tomorrow and see how I fair

[existentialcrisis-24-7]

That awkward moment when you can’t tell the difference between a tummy bug, dietary issues and a genuine infection of (a) vital organ(s).

[bogunicorn]

cw for talk about weight, food, disordered eating, mental health, suicidal feelings (but only a little)

i am no longer the heaviest i've ever been.

i weighed myself... at some point earlier this year. the months are such a blur i honestly don't know. but i definitely was, at some point in 2023, 386 or 389 pounds, and i had a big breakdown about almost being 390 which is almost 400, because i've got it in my brain that 400lbs is some kind of moral point of no return or something. (it is not. if you're reading this and you're 400lbs+, please don't use my feelings about my own body as a judgement on yours. my depression and self-dislike is not a reflection on other people and does not mean that i'm actively judging other people. it just means that i, personally, am very physically uncomfortable and unwell. i hate that i feel like i need a disclaimer in this part but i know how sticky this is and i want to be extra careful. good? good.)

anyway, i weighed myself today just for the fuck of it, and i'm 379. so now i don't get to use "i'm the fattest i've ever been" to bludgeon myself with. granted, i've lost that weight by Being Poor and Depressed, basically; i've developed, like... just kind of an apathy. i don't have cravings, i no longer have the urge to binge, i don't get anxious or sad when i don't feel like finishing my food anymore (which was often the cause of binging, the feeling that if i don't finish my food i'm wasting it and therefore Bad and Stupid).

i've talked to my wife, because we're grocery shopping today or tomorrow, and i've decided to try going gluten- and dairy-free again. if i don't really care what i'm eating, i might as well eat healthier and be kinder to my insides. right now i'm literally only eating gluten and dairy because it's easy to get my hands on and i've been avoiding food until i'm actually sick, not because i want to eat it, and it's just doing nasty things to my stomach.

i also have a GP appointment in february and want to talk about food sensitivities, because i'm sick all the time. i ordered a new blank journal just to track my food and my stomach issues and menstrual stuff. no measurements, no calorie-counting, no concentrated attempts to lose weight. i want the best possible medical advice when i see my doctor, and have 6 months of information when i get there will really help, i think.

usually when i'm like "i'm gonna get healthy", it feels like this massive chore and i'm very put upon about it and resentful about giving things up. but i don't really feel like that this time? food feels neutral, finally. the idea of giving up gluten/dairy and then using that as an excuse not to snack is strangely comforting? i have to be careful that i don't swing the other way into complete avoidance, but that's what the tracking is for. i also saved some food prep containers on my amazon wishlist to buy when i have money.

i feel like some part of my brain just, like, snapped and went, "you can get your shit together or you can kill yourself but you have to pick one." and i want to be happier. i want to live. so i guess i'm getting my shit together.

I also deleted all my diet and fasting apps. that's a firm boundary I need to set for myself. no calorie tracking, no deliberate fasting.

[13uswntimagines]

Leave the Cooking to Me (Sam x Rose x Reader)

Request: Sam x rose x reader. Where R was a part time chef so she’s always cooking their meals and the team is jealous of the good food

Author’s Note: Special Thanks to @literaryhedgehog. We had way too much fun doing this one and spent way too much time looking up random food things. Gotta say that we are both a sucker for writing for Sam. 

Sam and Rose were lucky and they would tell that to anyone who would listen to them. You weren’t just the sweetest human being they had ever met, or the most thoughtful. You were all of those things, and you knew how to cook. Not just recreationally either. You were the full fledged winner of Top Chef season 19, and the Sous chef at one of the hottest restaurants in Washington D.C.

“How can you make such good food dressed like that?” Sam asked, leaning over the island and resting her chin on her hand. 

“What do you mean?” You raised your eyebrows at the woman, continuing to run your knife along the onion without looking at it. 

“Don’t all of your skills come from your chefs coat?” Rose asked, sliding up beside you, her hand trailing under the back of your shirt. You shivered at the cold hand touching your skin. 

“I’m not Iron Man. I can function without an outfit,” you said, rolling your eyes, as you grabbed an egg. You happened to like wearing an oversized pajama shirt and short-shorts while cooking. You never felt bad about spilling anything on them, since you didn’t exactly wear them in public. “Sam, since your hands aren’t literal icicles-” Rose stuck her tongue out at you playfully “- can you hold this and warm it up to room temperature while Rose helps me hold the pastry?” 

“Ohhh what kind of pastry? Why is that filling purple?” Rose squealed. You knew how much she loved when you baked for them (especially considering those croissants you made them for special occasions). She pulled the bowl closer to her, and scrunched her nose when she saw the contents. 

You may have had a good track record, but that color was crazy. 

“It’s Spanakopita, but we’re going to experiment just a little bit. If you don’t like it you have to eat it anyway,” You shrugged, rolling out the dough onto a cutting board, and positioning Rose’s hands right where you wanted them. 

“If you make it, we’re going to like it.” Sam snorted, and Rose raised her eyebrow at her. 

You bit you lip, wilting just slightly. “I just got inspired, cause the beats are going to look so good in the risotto for the Arancini,”

“If it’s anything like that curry you made last time you got inspired, I think we’ll be ok,” Sam said, kissing your neck with a grin while you worked. You squeaked a little and jumped, hip-checking her to keep her away from accidentally touching the food. 

“It’s just a shame Valentine’s day already happened,” Rose said, looking at the three bowls of filling in their various places on the counter or in the fridge, “Pink, red, and purple dishes would have made great themed appetizers for your restaurant!” 

You snorted and shook your head. “I wish, we could do anything this interesting.” The arancini, maybe. The other two would probably be avoided like the plague for fear of any garlic or other lingering spices. “People are too bougie to enjoy the simple things like strangely colored foods.” 

“Good thing we’re not!” Sam smiled broadly, stealing a piece of orange-colored pork from the bowl to your right. 

“Yeah, we get all the sass and none of the class,” Rose giggled, barely avoiding your slap at her hand as she also stole a piece of pork. 

Just then you heard singing from the couch. “We are family,” Sam stuffed the piece of pork in her mouth and jumped up to grab her phone from where it was wedged between the cushions. “I’ve got all my sisters and me.”

“Tha’s Kwsten,” She spoke through her mouthful then swallowed. Do you mind if I go take this?” 

“Go for it, we’re about to stick this stuff in the oven anyway,” You nodded, giggling when she tripped over a chair on her way to grab the phone. “Make sure you swallow before you answer,” 

“Took you long enough. What were you doing, trying to find your pants?” Kristie’s voice rang through your apartment the second Sam answered the call. You smiled when your girlfriend’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink. 

“No, Y/n is cooking. She’s so good with her hands Kris, it’s not fair,”  Sam said shaking her head. 

Kristie snorted, wiggling her eyebrows at the woman. “I’m sure she is,” 

“Stop trying to turn everything I say into a euphemism.” Sam groaned, sending a glare at Rose who was cackling like a madwoman. 

“But you make it sooo easy,” Kristie teased, “I mean what was it you said last time, ‘she kneads aggressively?’”

“Bread, Kris. She was making bread. And you’re supposed to do-I mean knead it aggressively, that’s how gluten develops.” 

“Stop trying to explain it babe,” Rose sang, her voice bubbling with suppressed laughter.  

“You’re just making it worse,” You nodded along. 

“You know, I’m not this mean to you when Emily and Lindsey pull this shit with you. I was even sympathetic with the Sketchers thing,” Sam pouted. 

“We agreed to never mention that again,” Rose said menacingly, but Sam was distracted as you handed her a plate with the Spanakopita.

Sam’s pout melted off her face at the sight of the plate. “Ooo goodies. Thanks babe,” 

You kissed her cheek and waved to her sister on the phone before heading back to the kitchen to finish the next set. 

“What is that?” 

“Just course one of the amazing appetizers lunch my wonderful girlfriend is making for me.” Sam bit in and rolled her eyes at the taste, holding up the other half of the Spanakopita so she could see the gorgeous and delicious purple filling. 

“For both of you Sammy. Don’t leave Rosie out, that’s mean,” You called out, your tongue poking between your teeth as you stirred the pot on the stove. 

In the background of Kristie’s call, Sam could see other teammates gathering around the phone to see her food. She stood and walked back to the kitchen, turning the facetime camera around so they could see the two trays out of the oven and then you stirring at the stove. You waved your spoon but stayed focused. The rice was just at the point when it was most likely to burn and you needed to make sure the texture didn’t go from delicious to goopy. Risotto wasn’t for the faint of heart. 

“Look at how fluffy this Bao is!” Sam said, slowly tearing one of the dumplings in half in front of the camera. Sisterly torture went both ways- her sister may turn half of what Sam said into sex jokes, but Sam could rub the delicious food in Kristie’s face. 

“Why is it so orange?” Emily asked, piping in from behind the older Mewis sister. 

“Some awesome Indonesian spices that Y/n thought would be good,” Sam said, taking a huge bite out of the bun. 

“Tamarind and Turmeric in the mix,” you called out from behind her.

“It’s not fair that your girlfriend is a literal chef who enjoys cooking in the weekend,” Emily whined, followed shortly by a “shut up Sonnett” from Lindsey and a thump. 

“Experimenting apparently,” Rose said, mischievously. 

“Not helping dear. Anyway, what were you calling about Kris?” Sam said pointedly. 

“We just wanted to know what you eta for camp was?” Kristie asked. 

“Um, the flight leaves tomorrow at what time was it again Rose? 8 am?”

“Try 4:30 am Sam,” You rolled your eyes. It was going to suck, but you were going to make sure to pack some tasty overnight oats so no one was grumpy on the plane. 

“Ugh. That’s bullshit. Anyway, takeoff at god-awful early in the morning, and then we’ll see you when we land!” Sam said. She hung up the phone and moved back towards the counter. 

“Don’t worry babe, I’ll schedule the flight next time,” You leaned up to kiss her cheek. “Now how bout you help me roll some balls?” 

*****

“I don’t know what we did wrong this time?” Kelley said, poking the overly pale cinnamon rolls that had just come out of the oven. Then she turned the roll over to see a crisp black scorch on the base. “It looks like we took them out just in time though?”

“They’re pale on the top and burnt in the bottom,” Rose whined, tapping the middle of one of the rolls experimentally. 

“Kind of line you Rose,” Sam laughed, patting her shorter girlfriend on the back. 

“Haha, at least they’re not hockey pucks like the last batch,” Rose grumbled. 

How they had let their teammates talk them into this, she didn’t know. What she did know was that cooking with you was way more fun than doing it with this bunch. At least with you everything turned out tasty in the end. And if she accidentally messed something up you always knew how to fix it. 

“Stop that,” Kelley swatted Alex’s hand away from the bowl of icing. “That’s unsanitary. Let us drizzle it on the rolls first and then you can clean the bowl.” 

“But then what are we gonna do with this caramel you insisted I stir?” Emily asked, looking up from the pot in front of her. 

“It’s for the next batch. You put it in the bottom before you bake,” Sam answered, beginning to roll out the next set of cinnamon rolls. 

“And technically, we didn’t insist you do anything Sonnet. We mentioned our idea to make caramel for the cinnamon rolls and you jumped up and said “I volunteer as tribute”” Rose grumbled. “You didn’t even let us suggest a recipe.”

“Which considering the success of the other recipes you picked, might have been a good idea,” Emily said, frowning slightly at the bubbling mixture in front of her. She was stirring but the bubbles weren’t going away like they did with pasta. Maybe because it was thicker? She stirred faster to compensate.  

“Hey guys, what are you-... oh shit,” You raced over to the stove, nearly barreling into Emily as you grabbed the practically overflowing pot of molten sugar and moved it off the heat, praying you had gotten to it before it was too late. You really didn’t want to have to explain to the trainers why you and Emily had third-degree burns if the pot exploded. 

You spun towards the group of older players, glaring at them. “Who let the child do the most dangerous job?” 

“Dangerous?!?” Kelley and Rose sputtered. Sam just blinked at you

You shook your head and pinched the space between your eyes. “If it crystallizes and you don’t take it off the heat it can explode. You don’t stir sugar,”  

“Oh. Well. At least there’s still icing?” Sam grabbed one of the better rolls and gave it a hearty helping of icing before handing it to you.

“What did you use, because Alex is vegan and she’s been eating it?” You narrowed your eyes at the offered plate, glancing sideways at a set of very pale rolls and a set that were very burnt and flat. 

“Flaxseed and applesauce instead of eggs and oat milk instead of milk. And margarine instead of butter.” Kelley said, automatically. She and her fiance had been making vegan substitutes for a while now, and while they might not have been traditional cinnamon roll ingredients, she knew the measurements by heart, so that’s what they had used. 

You bit your lip and squinted your eyes as you reached out and swiped a bit of frosting from on top of the bun and put it into your mouth. 

You gulped when the salty substance hit your tongue, trying and failing to conceal your wince after the flavor. Your girlfriends were a lot of things, but apparently good cooks wasn’t on that list. “Hey, what container was the powdered sugar that you used for this in?”

“Um, this one?” Kelley said, sliding you a container. 

Your eyes widened at the blue-lidded container. You had been experimenting for a new dish at the restaurant and had gotten a hold of some micro powder salt flour for it. You thought it would give the new cracker-jack-themed desert a better taste, and help to balance out all the sugar from the Caramel ice cream. 

“That’s not sugar,” you said weakly. 

Alex dipped her finger into the bowl and tasted it, gagging. “It’s salty!”

Sam frowned down at the plate in her hand. She hadn’t wanted to do this, to begin with, but the team had insisted. Assured her they knew what they were doing and that you would love the surprise. Instead, Emily had almost burnt down your kitchen and everything was a mess. 

“Is none of it alright,” Rose asked softly from behind you, her lip jutting out. 

You scanned the kitchen, looking from the still ominously bubbling ooze on the stove, to the cinnamon rolls so undercooked you could catch salmonella from them to the icing, then finally to a glass on the counter. You grabbed it and took a large swig of vanilla oat milk. 

“Your milk tastes great!” you said enthusiastically, as the others started laughing. 

Sam and Rose just wilted further. You sighed, wrapping your arm around your taller girlfriend and holding your hand out to Rose. “It’s the thought that counts guys. And I love the thought,” 

“That’s what your parents tell you when you give them shitty presents so you don’t feel bad,” Rose grumbled, and Sam nodded. 

You sighed, unable to keep your lips from tipping up in a smile. It was just. It was so bad it was funny. “Maybe next time start with something a little easier? I’d love some scrambled eggs and toast!”

 Sam sighed. “You hate eggs,” 

You laughed again. “But I love you, even if you two can’t cook,” 

You leaned up to kiss under Sam’s chin and over to Rose’s cheek. You loved them and would remind them that their skills were on the field. They should leave the kitchen stuff to you. 

[weebtarurights]

Sakyo Furuichi SSR (MANKAI Encore )  - Part 1

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 ||

Story Title: “Encore: Ginji”

Izumi: All our ad hoc duties are done . Let's  have a good time strolling and eating at the market today ! Omi: You already went to this place during last performance, right? Izumi: Yup, I went here with Citron-kun and Guy-san. Guy-san said the salted seafood they here is delicious. Sakyo: Salted seafood, sounds good. Juza: Citron-san recommended their chocolate croquette. Banri: Ha? Chocolate croquette? Azami: Sounds like it's ridiculously sweet... Omi:  I'm curious how they're making it. Juza: I'm sure 's good. Izumi: But this place is really crowded. Sakyo: Yeah, it ain't called "Kyoto's Kitchen" for nothing. Banri: Oi, Hyodo. Where are ya goin'? Juzu: Gonna buy chocolate croquette. Sakyo: Don't just go around on your own. It's going to be a huge problem if you get lost. Azami: Are we elementary school students? Omi: There there, let's all look for it together, Juza. Taichi: That's right! We might find more  sweet specialties ~ Juza: ....'kay. Shop Assistant: We have matcha soft serve with warabi-mochi ! Juza: ....! Give me one. Banri: Right away? Really. Juza: If you wanna eat, go buy one yourself. Banri: Don't need it ! Sakyo: Oi,  y'all. Stop wasting time. Taichi: Omi-kun, what is that over there? Omi: Ah, it's Namafu Dengaku. Wanna try them? Excuse me, Namafu Dengaku, please. Shop Assistant: Yes, here you go. Taichi: Mm-! Chewy and tasty ! Banri: First time eating sumthin' like this. Izumi: Ah, Juza-kun. The chocolate croquette shop is over there. Taichi: tasty fried food smell is all over the place~! Juza: .... Chocolate croquette please. Shop Assistant: Got it! Juza: nom nom... 's tasty. Just bout the right sweetness for chocolate croquette. Izumi: It's not extremely sweet, delicious. Omi: Choco's hardness is just right. This fried food is exquisite. Juza: One more, please. Azami: I won't forgive you if you damage your skin from eating from eating too much sweets. Izumi: Ah, Sakyo-san. You like Okaki, right? Looks like they're selling freshly-made ones here. Sakyo: Freshly-made Okaki, sounds good.  I'll get one each. Azami: You're nagging about us wasting money but you're also buying as much stuff. Sakyo: Ah? Omi: They're selling Kyo Dashimaki on the other side. Banri: Dashimaki on skewer 's pretty innovative. Makes it easier to eat ‘em while walkin'. Let's buy some. Taichi: I wanna try it too ! Sakyo: ....Geez... Don't eat too much. The performance is already scheduled tomorrow but y'all don't look nervous at all. Izumi: Fufu, There's a lot of delicious food. It's also important to relax before the performance. Plus, I'm looking forward to seeing  Sakyo-san's Ginji again after a long time. Sakyo: ... Yeah. Izumi: I'm glad Azami-kun joined the cast without any problems. Sakyo: I think it's better to make him part of  Kosei Group than Tatsuta Group. He doesn't want to be in the same group as me after all. That brat is going through rebellious phase. Izumi: He declared it himself, something like Azami-kun will really do. Sakyo: He never hesitates to shoot flak.  Izumi: Azami-kun wasn't around during the first performance and a lot of things happened. You were enthusiastic about your first leading role and Autumn Troupe members had misunderstandings because of that. Sakyo: Well... Thanks to that I've learned something. I think I'll be able to show a different Ginji from that time. Izumi: I'm looking forward to it. Sakyo:  I'm all good, but that guy, Hyodo... Izumi: ( Sakyo-san must've noticed. Juza-kun is  acting a bit strange ) I wonder if he's okay... I have no idea what's happening. Sakyo: Hyodo and I will be sharing rooms tonight. I'll try to talk to him. Izumi: Understood. I'll leave it up to you. (I'm a little worried but if he says so, I think I can let him handle it)

NOTES: 

1) Warabi-mochi is a a confection made from bracken starch. It's more jelly like than mochi made with rice. 2) Namafu Dengaku is a popular Kyoto street food that is made of solid gluten mixed with rice flour. It is usually shaped rectangular and is roasted over the flame. 3) Okaki is Japanese also a snack made of glutinous rice.  They are frequently sold in snack aisles of groceries   but freshly-made ones are sold as street food. 4) Kyo Dashimaki is another food popular in Kyoto. It is a layered omelette cooked in a special broth and served on a skewer. 5) Sakyo used the term "ばっさり斬り捨て" or to truncate a haircut, which also means to criticize or scoff at.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

T/N: It seems like the setting of this backstage is in Kyoto. Sakyo got to perform his leading role at his father’s hometown. I’m sure Furuichi-papa is going to be really proud of his son T////T.   Also, seems like the Autumn Troupe is strolling around Nishiki Market in Kyoto, a foodie paradise~ ! >//////< I’m getting hungry~ 

[thequeendesi]

Title: Never Forget It

Alt Title: You mean me?

Warnings: Vaguely mentioning reader's been assulted before

Pairings: Scott Reed x Reader

AU: N/A

Disclaimer: i dont own you or the 13 Reasons Why franchise, i do own the writing.

Rating: PG-13

..

You sighed, your hand flat on the door. Your mother suggested the group to you. A support group, though you couldn't help but still feel like you weren't victim enough.

"You going in?" You snapped out of your thoughts as you made eye contact with brown ones. "Oh.. hi." You moved out of her way. "I'm scared too." You let out a soft laugh.

"I was my first meeting too. You want me to walk in with you?" Tears threatened to spill as you nodded. The girl reached out her hand as you took it.

The room smelled like vanilla and pop. A few girls had already sat down and made small talk. "Jess! Nice to see you again." The older woman said who sat at the north of the circle.

You bit at your lip nervously as you sat next to Jess, your denim purse in your lap, your ankles crossed.

You watched as Jess conversed with the other girls, smiling happily. "Will you be going to Liberty High?" A girl sat next to you. "I'll be starting the week after your guy's first week."

"My name is Nina."

"(Y/N)."

"What grade are you in?" She asked, trying to make conversation with you. "Senior." You rubbed your shoulder. "I'm taking extra classes so i can graduate earlier."

"That must be a lot work." Nina smiled at you.

Honestly, you could feel your nervousness leave your body.

…

You listened to everyone talk about how they were coping.

"Now would anyone else like to share… new girl?" The woman looked at you. "Can… can i stay sitting down?" You fidgeted with your thumbs.

"Of course, as long as your comfortable."

"Oh.. alright, um.. My name is (Y/N), I'm 17, turning 18 (Y/BD), my favorite color (color), and I moved here a week or so ago." You cleared your throat. "I don't know what else to say."

"And that is perfectly fine. You're doing just fine (Y/N)." Everyone began to chime in, telling you it was fine and you're doing well.

..

You sigh, and rub your knuckles as someone approached you over at the snack table. "I think you're really brave for coming here."

You turned around, "thank you. Justin, right?" You tucked some hair behind your ear. "Oh yea." He laughed a little.

"So, where'd you come from?" He asked, grabbing a red cup of Sprite. "Dothan." You said, looking over at his confused expression. "Alabama." You chuckled nervously, you hadn't really been that close to another person since..

"Have you gone too our towns movie theater yet? Me and Jess we're going to go see that new comedy."

"Oh are you and Jess..?" You asked, looking over at the caramel skinned girl, who, surprisingly, thrown a thumbs up at you.

"Yea. She thought you might need some friends who.. get it."

That's all you needed, honestly, you felt alone and wanted friends who understood.

..

Soon, you were included into Jess and Justin's friend group. Upon that, you met Zach Dempsey, Tyler Down, Clay Jensen, Tony Padilla, Alex Standall, Sheri Holland, Courtney Crimson, Scott Reed and Sheri Holland. They'd allow you at the table at Monet's, you definitely had a strict 'no-touching-me' rule. Which everyone ahered too.

"Did anyone do any of the math homework last night?" Zach asked, sitting down in his usual spot. "I did." You said. "Do you all need it?" You asked, looking up from your other classes' homework.

You ended up discarded your wants to graduate early. The high school experience seemed to suit you.

Your friends nodded, making you give a soft laugh and get the paper out of your binder, putting it on the middle of the table.

You looked over to the other side of the table. "So, (Y/N), got any plans for the weekend?" Alex asked you, prompting you to shake your head.

"Want to go see that new movie with me and Zach?" Alex rose an eyebrow.

Zach and Alex had been dating for a few weeks. "I wouldn't want to intrude." You laughed a little.

"I, honestly, just wanted to stay home this weekend, watch both Zombielands, eat pizza and just… just chill." You messed with your knuckles. "Not to say that I don't really like hanging with you guys, but I just want a weekend in." You dont say love, you haven't in months, not since him. "Calm down (N/N)... you don't have to explain shit to us." Tony who sat next to you, moved to nudge you, but stopped before you could notice.

"I know a pretty good pizza place. I could bring one over." Scott said, looking over at you, holding a mug in his hand. "That sounds... nice. Thank you."

..

You sighed, you wore a pair of grey baggy sweats and a Repzion hoodie, two sizes too big. You sat on the couch, legs crossed. Commercials started as you checked your phone for the time.

A knock at the door made you jump up and walk over to it, looking through the peephole. "I bring gifts." Scott smiled, holding up 2 boxes of pizza and a bottle of Sprite.

You unlocked the door letting him in. "Welcome to my humble adobe." You watched as he found his way to the kicthen with ease. "Wow… you really know this house."

"I actually lived here as a kid, then moved to my current house 8 years ago." Scott said. "I got plain cheese and a pepperoni meat pizza." You walked behind him. "And in case you had an allergy or something, gluten-free."

"Well, don't just stand around," he laughed. "Grab a slice." You nodded, grabbing a (pizza) slice. "So, what made you come here?" He asked as you both ate a slice of pizza.

"I don't like talking about it." You said, discarding the crust. "I can respect that." You nodded. "Do.. you want to stay?" You looked at him. "Watch the movie with me?"

"Are you comfortable with that?" He asked.

You paused, before nodding. "Yea. I am."

..

You ended up asleep, your head on the side of his chest. Your breaths were slow, calm, anxiousless. Scott hasn't even noticed, his arm was draped over your shoulder.

Your parents ended up coming home at around 11pm at night. This wasn't the first time Scott had been over, however it was the first time with out Jess, or any one else for that matter. Scott came over loads of times in the few months you has began hanging out with the group and your parents quite liked him, kind, respectful, 'a good pickle' as your dad said.

They nodded to him as they put the pizzas in the fridge along with the soda. "You get sleep soon Scott." Your mother said too him as she went down the hall to her bedroom with your father, closing the door behind them.

Scott sighed as he turned his head to the TV, watching the remainder of the movie.

..

Morning came and assuming Scott left you let out a disappointed sigh, sitting up you pushed your hair from your face and stretched.

"Good morning sunshine." Scott said before handing you a biscut and a cup of coffee he had gotten at the local breakfast place. "Oh, good morning." He had went into the kitchen, placing down two other coffees and biscuts on the counter before drinking his own walking back over too you.

"How'd you sleep?" He asked sitting next to you on the couch.

"I slept… fine." You said, even shocked yourself at the end part. "Well, I gotta start getting back to the house." He said before reaching his hand out. "Goodbye handshake?" He asked. "I know you don't exactly like touching, but what's a handshake got to hurt?" He asked, smiling softly. It make your stomach flutter as you grabbed his hand, shaking it.

"Come back another time?" You asked, a tinge of hope in the question.

"Maybe Saturday's can be our movie night." Scott smiled before taking his hand back.

"Maybe." You smiled a little.

..

And so it did, just about every Saturday, you two would watch a movie, eat a box of pizza, drink a liter of soda, fall asleep, Sunday, Scott would bring you and your family breakfast and a coffee for each and then leave around midday.

This went on for an entire school year, and in that school year, Scott had immense joy watching you change into someone new.

You were still socially awkward and wary of new people, but it wasn't as bad as it was when you first got here. You didnt wear as many hoodies anymore either, it was upgraded to teeshirts and jackets, his jacket sometimes.

There was no doubt about it. Your best friends definitely went Jess, Scott and Tyler.

"So... plan on telling me the details with Reed?" Justin teased. "(N/N) definitely has a crush." Jessica teased. "Even if I did?" You rose an eyebrow, sitting at the lunch table. "Why dont you ask him out?"

"I don't want to mess anything up with him." You sighed. "With who?" Scott asked, sitting next to you. "My dog! Uh, we're training professionally." You said, making a quick excuse up.

"You don't even have a dog." Scott rose an eyebrow.

"We're getting a Dobbie." You said. "Oh, cool. So what's gonna be the movie for tomorrow night?" He asked, eating a french fry. "I was thinking The Grudge? In theaters?" You asked, looking up at him.

"Oh dude, that's sick. Hell yea. Let's definitely do it."

You heard Jessica snort a little, she could obviously tell your attempt of asking Scott out on a date was, to say the least, failing.

"What are we gonna do for food though?" Scott asked. "I got paid yesterday.. we could go out for dinner too." You paused. "Finally could actually go to that pizza place you talk about." You looked at him.

"Oh, uh, sure." He laughed a little.

"Pizza and a movie? Don't you guys do that every weekend? Switch it up a little. There's a new restaurant opened next to the theater, just gotta go next door." Jess winked at you two.

"What kind of restaurant?" Scott asked, his hands in his pocket.

"Hibachi."

"Hibachi next to a theater… sounds sanitary." You laughed a little bit, causing your friends to look at you. "Hibachi sounds fine." You cleared your throat, shoving your hands in your pocket.

..

You sighed, looking at yourself in the mirror. You couldn't even remember the last time you wore makeup, you wore a smokey eyeshadow look and black lipstick. "Why not do something different?" You asked yourself outloud.

"(N/N)?" Your mom walked into your room, her eyes welling with tears as she saw you looking at yourself in the mirror, a smile on your face. "It seems so long since you've smiled at yourself." She walked over to you.

"Is he here yet?" You asked, rubbing your arm. "Living room." She smiled at you. "No later than 2."

"Alright mom." You said, walking towards the living room, messing with the scrunchie on your wrist. "Hey Scott." You said, making him stand and face you. "Oh wow." He chuckled, looking up at you.

"Ready to go?" You asked, grabbing your wallet.

..

You laughed as you leaned back in your chair. "You didn't!"

"Oh, but I did." He smiled, obviously beeming with pride. "All I've done is talk about me. Why don't you ever wanna talk about you?" He asked, putting a forkful of his food in his mouth.

"I'm not very interesting." You laughed a little.

"C'mon. Tell me something from your past." He grinned.

"Hm.. When I was 13 I dyed my whole head green because I was watching some anime and I wanted to look just like the main character." You chuckled a little at the memory.

"Have you ever gotten into a physical fight?" He asked. "A few times." You looked up at him.

"I didn't expect that from you." He joked.

"I was a pretty scary person at my old school." You paused. "Was the the all mighty 'goddess' there. No one really fucked with me… but it uh.. it changed because..." you trailed off, staring at Scott's hand.

"Hey, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. Don't stress it." He held your hand.

"Thank you." You whispered. "Ever had a boyfriend before?" He asked.

"Not really." You looked up at him.

"Is there someone you want? 'Cause I could hook y'all up, just say the name."

"Scott."

"Scott Shellings, Scott Quinn, Scott Brown?"

"Scott… Reed."

"We don't have a Scott Reed… oh… oh… oh! You mean me?" He asked, smiling a little.

"Nevermind, it's stupid, I should've figured you didn't like me like that."

"Hey, stop." He squeezed your hand a little. "I… figured it was the other way around." He chuckled.

"What?" You picked your head up, looking at him. "I've... I like you. You're sweet and funny and kind and… you're my best friend." He chuckled.

"You don't have to lie to me." You looked down. "Have I before?" You looked back up at him after he asked that question. "No."

"Do you think I am now?"

"No..."

"Do you think I will ever?"

"No Scott." You said.

"One more question, how would you feel about being mine?"

"I feel… okay with that." You smiled at him.

"Just ok?" He chuckled, kissing the knuckles of your hand. "I'm not gonna say I love you just yet. But when I do, you'll never forget it." He grinned.

"I'll never forget this night."

[emetoandotherthings]

Meet: Lorelai

A/N: So I know I haven’t posted here in an age... and this isn’t my normal type fic, but I wrote it a while ago and this is me finally getting round to typing it up. So here, meet Lorelai!

_

Damian had seen her on the same bus as him several times before. He’d noticed her, yawning on the early morning route, or tucking strands of her hair, which had fallen from her dark bun, behind her ears. Damian had smiled politely at her as he travelled to and from the hospital for placement.

A few times, Damian had found himself watching her - noticing that she was wearing scrub-like trousers, and trainers, along with her hair drawn up. He assumed, with the evidence, that she was a nurse, or a healthcare assistant, but he never saw her getting off the bus at the same stop as him at the hospital; and sometimes she was already on the bus when he clambered on at the end of a shift.

That was the case on that Thursday evening as Damian wearily embarked the bus. He’d ended up staying over an hour later than he should have finished, and he was rather looking forwards to getting home. His head was aching, and so were his feet, but he was still able to smile at the girl sitting across the aisle. She was very pretty, Damian thought, her dark hair a little untidy and her red lips contrasting her pale skin. She turned her head and caught his eye; slightly embarrassed that he’d been caught looking at her, he turned his head and stared out of the bus window.

Damian yawned, leaning his head against the cool glass of the window. It had been a long, and very busy, shift - they’d had three separate car accidents. Each one had its own complexities, and Damian had been allowed to help with some of the more serious resus patients. While he was pleased that he was beginning to be trusted with such treatments, it meant that he’d hardly had any breaks for the whole shift. It was only now, while sitting on the bus that he felt the dull grumble of an empty stomach.

Pulling out his nearly finished water bottle, he took a few glugs of water, then pushed it back into his bag. He’d have to wait until he got home until he got home until he could get something to eat. He leant back against the glass, wishing that the bus would go quicker, but it stopped often as people got on and off as they headed back to the student area of town.

His eyes were starting to feel heavy and droopy just as the bus rounded the corner onto the long road which led to Damian’s flat. He made sure that his bag was definitely zipped shut and stood up from his seat. His head swam as he got up, and he flung his hand out to grab on to the pole. He clung on, swaying precariously as the bus slowed towards Damian’s stop; he stumbled over his own feet as the bus halted. He only just managed to force out a thanks to the driver before he nearly fell out onto the pavement.

The colder outside air hit his face, and his whole body felt like it was doing a jump from a diving board - falling in mid air before jerking to a stop. He could feel his knees trembling, and the impending sensation that he was going to pass out.

He was glad that there was no one sitting on the metal perch inside the bus stop as he staggered towards it, dumping his backpack down onto his feet as he sat down rather heavily. He took a few deep breaths in through his nose, and sunk his head into his hands, realising that as he did, his hands were shaking. He closed his eyes, trying to dispel the shaky, light-headedness, at least enough to get himself back to his flat. He tried to count back within his head when the last time he actually ate something, but trying to figure out was making his head hurt.

He opened his eyes, and almost at the same time a hand holding something appeared right in front of his face.

“Eat this.” A voice came from right beside him, and he jumped slightly in surprise.

The bus had drawn away from the stop, and any other disembarking passengers had headed off in their own home directions. All except the dark haired girl who Damian had smiled at on the bus. He blinked, feeling afraid for a second that he might be hallucinating, but then she shook her head again.

“Here, eat - I can tell low blood sugar when I see it,” she repeated, and he looked down at the cereal bar held in her hand.

“I can’t,” he shook his head, and was surprised at how stable his voice sounded even as his insides felt wobbly.

“You can,” she insisted. “I keep it in my bag for exactly a reason such as this.” He shook his head again.

“Sorry, I’m not meaning to be impolite,” he explained, “it’s just - I’m coeliac, so-”

“Ah, gluten,” her hand with the cereal bar in it dropped, and Damian nodded.

“Yeah, thanks though,” he nodded; the girl flipped open the lid to her bag and replaced the cereal bar within it.

“I’m afraid I don’t have anything gluten free with me,” she said, “I’ve got some water if you’d like some of that?” She drew out a water bottle and offered that out to him.

“Are you sure?” He hesitated.

“I wouldn’t be offering if I wasn’t,” she smiled, and Damian noticed that her eyes sparkled when she did.

“Thank you,” he accepted the bottle and took a drink, then handed it back.

“Do you live far from here?” She asked conversationally, putting the bottle back into her bag.

“Just up to the next right turn and down that street really,” Damian told her, not entirely sure that he wanted to tell her exactly where he lived. After all, he didn’t really know this girl - he didn’t even know her name!

“Are you feeling up to walking now?” She asked.

“I think I’ll just sit here for another minute,” he said.

“I’ll walk you back - I don’t want you flaking out all alone in the street.”

“You really don’t have to,” Damian said again.

“It’s on my way anyway,” she waved her hand. “I’m on Pentland Walk.”

“Isn’t that like another two stops on the bus?” Damian questioned, his eyebrows raising.

“Well yeah,” she agreed, grinning a little sheepishly. “But it’s a nice night…” She added, slightly lamely; Damian looked at her rather inquisitively, and she folded. “Alright, I saw you stumble on the bus and I worried, okay?”

“Well, I -” Damian stammered, rather flustered. “I’m alright, really.”

“That’s good, but I know what low blood sugar can do so I wanted to check,” she folded her arms, “better safe than sorry. And if I’d read an article on Facebook tomorrow about some guy getting mugged or hurt on his way home, then I’d’ve felt bad. So I’ll walk you your way home.” She said this with a finality of sort that Damian didn’t want to argue.

“Okay,” he said, gently easing himself up from the metal bench, glad that his legs weren’t shaking so bad anymore. “Let’s walk then.”

“Right you are,” she adjusted her bag on her shoulder, waiting for him to take a few steps before falling in alongside him. Damian looked down slightly, trying to think of something else to say.

“So are you a nurse?” He asked.

“Of sorts,” she shrugged.

“Of sorts?” He repeated. “How can you be sort of a nurse?”

“I’m a veterinary nurse,” she said. “So yes to the nurse bit, just not with humans.”

“Oh…” Damian was slightly blindsided by this. “I guess it’s more difficult when your patient can’t talk to you…”

“In a way, yes,” she nodded, “but a lot of them do communicate in one way or another. I’m Lorelai, by the way.” She added at the end, and Damian felt slightly embarrassed that he hadn’t asked her name after she’d gotten off the bus to check he was alright.

“Damian,” he replied, sure that the darkness of the evening would hide the flush he knew would be creeping up his face.

“And I’m assuming you’re something at the hospital?” She pressed further.

“I’m on placement there,” he said, then to explain further added: “I’m studying medicine.”

“Oh a brainbox then!” She commented, and Damian couldn’t quite tell whether she was joking with him or not.

“No - I’d - I’d hardly say that!” Damian felt flustered again, and Lorelai let out a ringing laugh.

“It’s not easy to get into medicine! Even I know that,” she said, then smiled as she tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “It was a compliment.” She told him gently.

“I, um - thanks,” he answered, still feeling embarrassed. He was glad that they’d reached the low wall which split to lead up to the front door to his flat. “This is my flat,” he said, pointing upwards to indicate the building. “Thank you for walking me back, you really didn’t need to.”

Lorelai smiled, then held out her hand with her palm up.

“Give me your phone,” she commented, firmly but kindly.

“S-sorry?” Damian asked.

“Your phone,” she repeated, and before Damian realised it he’d taken his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it and placed it in her hands.

“I’m putting my number in your contacts,” she told him, her fingers gliding across the screen, “so you can let me know that you’ve managed to eat something and are back to full strength.”

“You really - really don’t need to, y’know?” Damian protested, feeling his cheeks burn again.

“Damian,” she looked directly at him as she handed his phone back across, “I’ve been trying this whole time to hit on you, so now you’ve got my number… I’d like a text from you, if you’re interested, okay?” Damian simply stared at her for a few moments, a little taken aback by how direct she was. “But now, go and get something to eat,” she instructed, “and I’ll be hearing from you… I hope.”

And with that, Lorelai turned and walked away to the end of the street, giving him a small wave before she turned the corner.

Damian stood, dumb struck, trying to take in what had just happened. Had that pretty girl from the bus really got off to check that he was okay? He looked down at his phone, and saw the new entry in his contacts list, which plainly read: Lorelai.

[bluetostone]

Unexpected Places (Gluten Free)

Paring: Yoongi x Reader

Rating: PG/PG-13

Genre: Slice of Life, Established relationship 

Warnings: Language. Non graphic mentions of a medical condition?

A drabble based on some comments I’ve heard Yoongi make in passing and is based purely on speculation. Either way, I had fun writing this and since I’m posting this here about a month since I posted it on ao3  I suddenly want to write more Yoongi drabbles :( 

Enjoy! 

"Wait, it's in soy sauce too?"

"Mmhm."

"Why? For what purpose?"

You were at home, Yoongi on the couch with his phone in his face, frantically scrolling, while you piddled around the kitchen. Every so often he would swear and share with you a new factoid he'd just learned about gluten.

"Noodles I understand," he exclaimed, exasperated. "But beer? Liquor?"

"Beer is literally fermented wheat," you chuckled, turning a bottle of liquid seasoning around to read the back. “Soju is usually safe though.”

"Okay, but why put it in vitamins? Or seasoning? Or fucking shampoo?"

"Corners were cut. Or you know, they needed to thicken whatever they make or maybe they just process wheat at that factory too or something. There could be a lot of reasons. Don’t make it right."

Yoongi turned to face you, his face pinched with suspicion. "How do you know so much?"

"My aunt is celiac." You shrug.

Yoongi makes another face. "What the hell does that mean?"

Hours later Yoongi helped you dispose of what you'd been collecting from around his kitchen. It wasn’t much. He rarely ate at his personal apartment and the majority you'd tossed out had been packets of shin ramyun and Chapgetti. Most of his condiments had been gluten free by accident: his favorite brand of gochujang was actually gluten free, a coincidence that didn’t come as a surprise to you. But he would need to buy another type of soy sauce.

This change had been weeks in the making. Yoongi had been cutting out obvious signs of wheat for months after noticing a correlation between what he ate and how he felt. But he was still feeling sick, better than before but sick, and it was beginning to frustrate him. He’d been upfront with the members through the whole discovery and transition, and while they didn’t fully understand and sometimes forgot, they naturally supported him.

He'd know about your aunt’s strict diet but hadn’t thought to ask for the reason. You'd suggested he should trying going completely gluten free for a few weeks just to see how he felt and to find his threshold. He told you'd it would be easy for him, but you challenged his to search Naver to find out the place’s wheat hides. He'd been appalled.

His usually mild but light personality was noticeably glum by the time you'd finished your purge. Now you needed to reassure him that there was still plenty left for him to eat.

"This is all very overwhelming, but there’s more than you think. Most of the foods we love can easily be made with Japanese soy sauce, which is usually gluten free. With the exception of like noodles or hotteok or other street foods, most Korean food is easy to make gluten free! Thank God we're not American, right?"*

You could tell his mind was working. Suddenly he stood up. "Let's go to the store. It's..." he checked his Rolex. "8 pm, few people will be shopping now. I wanna buy the dorm some of this stuff." He gestures vaguely to the hastily written list he'd made a moment ago.

"You wanna go now?"

"Yes. While it's fresh in my mind. I might not be able to decipher this tomorrow," he murmured holding the list up and squinting.

"You could send some staff tomorrow morning. Or I could go later. I know more or less what you’ll need."

He shook his head, determined. "I wanna do it."

You smirked at how cute he was being. Cute and responsible, albeit hastier than usual. "Okay. I'll let Hochul-ssi know where we're going so he can ready the driver."

Satisfied, Yoongi collapsed back on the couch. You scooted closer and laid a hand on his shoulder, squeezing softly.

"Feeling overwhelmed?"

"Mmm, not exactly. Just wondering if all this will be enough."

You took his hand. Lacing your fingers together. "It’s worth trying. And if it doesn’t work maybe your doctor would have some suggestions. I wouldn’t recommend getting tested for celiac disease unless nothing your doing is working. It's a…terribly invasive procedure."

He gripped your hand and offered a weak smile. "You might need to introduce me to your aunt the next time we're on Jeju. I might have questions."

"She might love to talk to someone about it," you chuckle, smiling up at him. Your heart was warm at the prospect of the man you loved wanting to meet the little family you had. It was a step in your relationship that you'd been looking forward to since your first date, a fact you kept to yourself for the time being.

"Alright," he said suddenly, releasing your hand and standing. "Heard back from Hochul? Let's just meet him downstairs. I don’t wanna lose momentum, let's go now." His voice raised in volume as he stretched and worked the kinks out of his neck. You checked your phone, noticing a reply from the head of Yoongi's security outfit. They were ready for you two.

Remembering to grab the list, you made an effort to mirror his enthusiasm. You secretly planned to join him at least for the short term, a decision he would call unnecessary, but appreciate.

"Okay! Let’s go!”

[talabib]

How to Break Free From The 9 to 5 Grind And Find A More Meaningful Life.

What did you do last week? Was each day about getting up, going to work and coming home exhausted?

Is your house filled with gadgets and toys meant to distract you from the dreadfulness of those 50-, 60- or 70-hour work weeks?

In case you haven’t realized this for yourself, there’s little happiness to be found in devoting your life to a job that only provides you with a paycheck. And to make matters worse, the meaningless things we buy to make the job easier to cope with only serve to clutter up our lives and cause more anxieties and distractions.

As these post points out, it’s time to reprogram our minds and bodies away from the corporate culture of fast-food, disposable goods and instant gratification. With some simple techniques and a bit of effort, you can reclaim your life, declutter it of all that’s hollow and useless, and refill it with meaning and purpose.

Money and stressful jobs are not keys to happiness.

Many people grow up with the expectation that getting “a good job” is everything. From this perspective, true “success” is based on how good the job is – which is largely dependent upon the size of the paycheck. But the truth is: money doesn't buy happiness.

Even rich people will tell you that more money comes with more problems, including being so stressed that you resort to comfort eating, waste money on meaningless gadgets and constantly think about the future while never enjoying the present.

Success often comes at another great cost: very few hours to spend with loved ones. Hired help raises many children from families of success-oriented adults, just so their parents can spend more time earning money.

So, more often than not, the thing that money really buys is unhappiness. Ask yourself this: Is any stressful job worth having?

Ryan Nicodemus asked this question while working at what many would consider to be a great job. He was even on the rise, getting promoted to a managerial position, but the role came with 80-hour work weeks and huge amounts of responsibility and pressure. What it added up to was debilitating anxiety, stress and depression.

Nowadays, Nicodemus believes there is no amount of money to justify the toll a stressful job has on your mental health. However, when you’re wrapped up in the job-is-everything mentality, it feels like you always need to make more and more money.

Both Nicodemus and his friend, Joshua Fields Millburn, thought they would be happy once they hit $50,000 a year. But after reaching that milestone, the goal quickly crept up to $75,000, then $100,000 and so on. At no point did they feel satisfied.

Part of the reason for wanting more was that, as their paycheck grew, so did their financial commitments and responsibilities – in the form of loans, cars and mortgages. Eventually, enough was enough and they both quit their jobs and decided to live on less money.

It was at this point that Millburn and Nicodemus finally experienced happiness. All thanks to their decision to adopt a minimalist lifestyle of working and consuming less.

But as we’ll see, the minimalist ethos is about more than money and work; it’s about letting go of everything that holds you back.

To begin your shift to minimalism, pay off your debts and declutter your surroundings.

If you were to ask yourself “What are the anchors that are dragging me down?” the answer might not be readily apparent. But there’s a good chance that you have some form of debt, be it a mortgage, credit cards or student loans, that weighs heavily on your well-being.

That’s why the first and most crucial step to minimalist living is to pay off all your debts.

At some point, you may have been fooled by credit-card ads or a banker telling you to take advantage of a certain mortgage, but let’s be clear: there’s no such thing as “good debt.” All debt is bad, plain and simple.

As Joshua Milburn was preparing for a minimalist existence, he followed a strict budget and spent two years saving as much as he could to pay off his debts. This meant a hundred weeks of no vacations, no restaurants and no luxuries of any kind. But it was worth every minute for the relief he felt in finally paying off his debts. He was now free to live the life he wanted.

While you’re decluttering your finances, you should also turn your attention to reducing your material clutter.

First of all, it’s important to recognize that your possessions aren’t a meaningful statement about who you are as a person. Instead, you should ask yourself whether your belongings truly help you live in the present or if they prevent you from doing so.

For decades, Joshua Milburn’s mother had four sealed boxes in her home that she never opened. They contained every scrap of work John had brought home from elementary school, from handwriting tests to drawings.

Millburn understood that she was hoarding these things in an effort to hold on to her little boy, but the cherished and meaningful things in life aren’t objects, they’re our memories and relationships. This doesn’t mean you need to throw away everything, but Milburn’s mom could keep one meaningful drawing in a frame rather than four sealed-up boxes.

By decluttering, we not only give ourselves more physical breathing room, but we also provide more mental breathing room. Having objects everywhere vying for our attention can easily weigh us down mentally.

Minimalism is also about reducing the amount of junk you put into your body.

There’s no shortage of diets or fitness programs out there. In fact, the sheer amount can seem overwhelming. But you can avoid trendy diets and temporary fixes by reprogramming the way you think about your body.

From now on, think of it as a machine: when you give it high-quality fuel, you’ll allow it to perform at its maximum potential. With this frame of mind, it should seem obvious that junk food, like processed and prepackaged goods, should be avoided.

This kind of food is full of additives and preservatives that add zero nutritional value to your diet. All they provide are empty calories, especially sugar, which are terrible for your health. Sure, these foods may taste good in the moment, but they can often make you feel awful afterward. So any temporary pleasure is far outweighed by the long-term damage they can cause to both your physical health and your mood.

A good decluttering regimen should also include dairy and bread. We’ve been eating wheat and pasteurized milk for a relatively short period in human history – only since the invention of agriculture. Our bodies were never designed to digest the vast quantities of dairy and bread contained in the average modern diet.

So, whether you have a gluten or lactose intolerance or not, you can benefit from cutting back on these foods and replacing them with natural whole foods like vegetables, fish and beans. Once you’ve made this adjustment to your diet, you’ll soon find yourself with a surplus of energy. And this is a good thing to have for the next step: getting the most out of your body.

Fitness is something that works best when you have a constant growth mind-set, which means you’re always aiming for more than last time – whether it’s a faster running time, more repetitions or heavier weights.

To adopt this mind-set, you need to demand more from yourself. To help make this happen, you can reprogram your thinking away from “I should...” to “I MUST...”

Don’t tell yourself “I should go out jogging three times this week;” instead say “I MUST go for a run tomorrow at 8 a.m.” With some persistence, you can even make yourself accomplish new things.

Maybe you can’t do a single pull-up now, but you can probably hang from the bar for 30 seconds. So, do that and then tomorrow, hang for 40 seconds, and then continue doing more until you build up enough arm strength to do a pull-up.

Change and improvement don’t have to impact your authenticity; they can lead to better relationships.

Friends and loved ones are important. If you’re currently feeling isolated or unhappy with your relationships, it may be time for another round of reprogramming, this time to become more accepting of others as well as appearing more acceptable to others. The first step to making this happen is to have a willingness to change.

It’s hopeless to try and change other people – in fact, it’s cruel to even attempt to do so – but it is possible to improve yourself.

However, you may be resistant to the idea of change if you think that there’s nothing wrong with being your “authentic self.” But it’s important to take an honest look at your behavior and recognize when you’re doing something that upsets people or is a turnoff.

If you’re unhappy about being shy, a poor listener or overweight, don’t think “that’s who I am.” Instead, do something about it and be proactive in your self-improvement.

Changing yourself isn’t betraying your authenticity; it’s simply a way to attract better relationships. Would you rather be lonely or would you rather work on yourself so that you’re a better conversationalist and a more appealing person?

Another avenue toward self-improvement is to be more accepting of those with different opinions than your own.

Don’t think that you’re meant to find someone who thinks and shares the same opinions as you – this is just another fallacy. Relationships aren’t about hobbies and tastes; they’re about love, so you should accept that people are going to think differently than you.

If more people were open-minded about whom they hang out with, there would be far fewer lonely people in the world!

So, don’t just tolerate and accept your loved ones' peculiar habits; respect and appreciate them!

Let’s say your loved one has a hobby you find annoying, like collecting action figures. After all, isn’t a silly collection the opposite of minimalist living? Actually no, especially if they get a lot of meaning and pleasure out of that collection. So don’t deter them; understand that the collection enriches your partner’s life and therefore should be cherished as part of what makes them the person you love.

With this in mind, here are the four steps to help you better tolerate, accept, respect and appreciate the person you’re with:

Tolerate their unique hobby or passion;

Accept that it will always be there;

Respect the effort your partner puts into their pastime;

Appreciate the hobby as a part of your life because it is an important part of your loved one’s life.

Don't let work define you as a person.

Just as we saw the importance of breaking away from the idea that money and work are the most important things in life, so too should we avoid thinking that our jobs define us.

Think of it this way: You’re a complicated person with a variety of interests and talents, some of which make money, some of which cost money. So you’re far more than just your job. Nevertheless, it's easy to fall into the trap of letting your job title define you.

Many people will find a job in a certain industry and feel they should stick with that industry for the rest of their lives as if it's a part of who they are. But remember, a job is just a job. In fact, your job might even be an anchor that weighs you down.

Consider this: your job isn’t even one of the top five most important aspects of life. Those are: your health, your relationships, your passions, your personal growth, and your contribution to society.

These are the aspects of your life that make sense to measure yourself against, not your job title or how much money you make.

This is why you should avoid the annoying small-talk question of “So, what do you do?” This is often asked early on in a conversation as if it were the most important characteristic of someone’s life and not just a different way of asking, “So, how much money do you make?” Instead, why not ask them, “What are you into?” or “What are you passionate about?”

And if someone asks you, “What do you do?” you can redirect the conversation by saying something like “Oh, I do a lot of things, but my current passion is gardening. How about you?”

For more freedom, reduce your dependency on money.

One of the primary purposes behind minimalism is to spend less of your life working at a job. Naturally, this means finding ways to become less dependent on a big paycheck.

There are a number of ways to help with this, including learning how to make things yourself rather than buying them, and selling off the needless clutter in your home. But the next reprogramming you should learn is how to live on a small income.

The first step here is to create a monthly budget and stick to it. So start by making a list of needs, which includes all your fundamental household costs, such as food, pet food, gas, electricity, insurance and transportation. These are basic needs that have to be met, so there’s no getting around them.

Next, start a second list of wants, which might include categories like new clothes and entertainment. Now, at the start of each month, separate your extra money so that both of these categories are given a budget. And to make sure you don’t break the budget, you can separate them into different spending accounts.

Remember, every dollar in the budget should be accounted for. So, if you dip into the entertainment budget to buy new shoes, you’ll have to wait until next month to go out to that restaurant.

To reduce hard feelings and make things fair, get the entire household to agree on the budget. Since everyone has a say, there should be a feeling of mutual responsibility for making it work. For example, by making the kids part of the process, they’ll know not to bother trying to get extra money for video games when that money is being set aside for school supplies. But it’s still wise to set up a safety net.

Once you get yourself set up, you’ll find that it isn’t hard to live comfortably with less money, but that doesn’t mean life won’t surprise you with something unexpected, like an illness or the car breaking down.

This is why it’s smart and sensible to establish a safety net of at least $500 to $1,000 at first. You should not only do this as soon as possible, but you should also put the money in a place where it isn’t easy to spend.

Once you're out of debt, you can add to this safety net. And with your new found powers of budgeting, you’ll find that this fund can grow quite quickly.

Make life more rewarding and purposeful by taking on difficult work that contributes to society.

So you’ve cut all your anchors and are finally free from your dependencies. The only question now is: What are you going to do with your newfound freedom?

Sure, you have your new plans to get healthy, fit and friendly, but you won’t get far without a strong purpose in your life. And true purpose only comes from a meaningful life that allows you to actively contribute to society.

You might think that donating money to a charity means doing enough for society, but you can only have it be meaningful and purposeful if you’re directly involved.

What you’re sure to find is that the most rewarding activities are the ones that are the most challenging.

Some activities are easy, like reading in the park or swimming in the pool, and while easy activities are fun, they aren’t very purposeful.

Challenging activities, on the other hand, might make us feel uncomfortable while we’re in the middle of them, but afterward, they make us feel fantastic. This can include child rearing or running a marathon – there are a lot of difficulties involved, but the rewards make these efforts feel worthwhile, and they become the most significant experiences in our lives.

That’s why these are the kind of events we should seek and build our lives with, especially when we don’t just contribute to our lives but to society as a whole.

Fortunately, there is no shortage of charities looking for volunteers for this kind of meaningful work, whether it’s building affordable homes for the poor or turning vacant lots into community gardens. This is tough work, but it’ll be extremely rewarding when you’re looking back on it.

You can still make these tasks fun, too. If you’re building homes for the needy, there’s a good chance some days will be rainy or cold, and morale might take a dip, but you could rally together to sing songs. Or you could have an emergency supply of hot chocolate with marshmallows.

But unlike a cushy office job, where you may not even understand how your work contributes anything of value, this difficult work comes with a strong sense of purpose that will make your days a lot easier to get through – no matter how bad the conditions might get.

You are not your job, and you don’t need as much money as you think. You can restart your life by dispensing with all the “stuff’ you don’t need and the relationships that are dragging you down. Living simply will help you open up to and relish a more meaningful life.

[poetic-beats]

I’ve noticed lately I’ve only been coming on here and writing/sharing really depressing poems or short pieces of prose/excerpts etc. I’ve actually been doing good the past two days.  I should share more about the good going on in my life on this blog. I guess because it’s like..I don’t know I mostly use this to vent and share my poetry but I guess lately I’ve mostly only been writing when I’ve been depressed or worse.  It’s not that I don’t write positive poems cos I do it’s just, as of late I’ve not been writing as much as I used to and suppose it’s become something again that I’m doing as a coping mechanism and not something I also do out of just enjoyment. Like I enjoy writing but when I write as a coping mechanism the underlying motivators are depression and trying to claw my way out of that pit. When I write happy poems typically it’s not because I NEED to write, you know? It’s because I felt like it, I was inspired and wanted to write not as a necessity to facilitate a quicker recovery from a BPD meltdown but because I just...wanted too cos I enjoy writing I truly enjoy it. I don’t know if I’ve been less motivated to write in general or if I’ve just ended up being really preoccupied with my small business stuff. Also I guess lately I’ve been having a lot more mind fog/issues with speech and cognition and being able to get the words out so it makes sense I’d maybe not be writing as much since it’s not something my brain can concentrate on as easily right now I guess. Either way I am doing pretty damn good right now I’m hoping I won’t have a minor crash tomorrow because today I have made 3 sales via my discount codes as an affiliate for Redbubble and sometimes this can lead me to get overly excited and expectant to get sales again soon and if I don’t cos that is how life is. Then I can get a little bit of a low/crash nothing major just a small crash which honestly I’d rather not get. So I need to try and prevent getting to hyped up for a crash to inevitably come down on me after the hype is over.  It’s a work in progress....I’m a work in progress! I’m gonna go to bed now it’s like 11pm and I am wanting to sleep at a reasonable time. I’ve been eating good the past two days or so as well. Been doing good at avoiding Gluten and keeping within my calorie limits so I’m not binging it can be so easy  to overeat when your at home I mean even when I worked in an office I would graze throughout the day I guess that’s how it is but I’ve been doing good especially to avoid gluten for the most part. I think it still gets into some pesky items like today I managed to buy gluten free gravy and I’m still confused of if Oats contain Gluten always or do they sometimes just highlight it because they cant guarantee it’s gluten free for coeliacs a bit like a may contain milk warning that I ignore because may contain in my eyes is the same as doesn’t contain. Idk Gluten is in SO many things but the point is I’ve managed to buy and/or cut out the main sources of gluten I’ve identified so far. If I am still some how getting gluten in my meals it’s got to be a low amount. I’ve just realised as I’m typing this out I haven’t checked my new fave vegan salad dressing to see if its gluten free man I hope it is! Anyways for now tho I’ve found vegan gluten free meats & yoghurts and so on. I’ve got gluten free pasta & desserts. Actually tbh theres a good amount of vegan AND gluten free desserts which is kinda cool ofc I have them in moderation I have these mini mini choc pots which are only 100 cals each they are tiny but you dont need a lot.  I’ve managed to get my weight down a bit not in two days of course its been over the course of a week just prior to two days ago I was still consuming some gluten in the fake meats which I’ve now stopped. I think some of my weight was probably due to bloating which might explain the gain in the first place.  Man I am rambling now anyways TDLR: Ive been v. negative on this blog I’m gonna try speak about the positives on here too. I’m happy things are good. Getting good sleep eating good gluten is a bitch it gets into everything. I’m making some good sales this month more than I’ve ever made even if it is through affiliate stuff and not in my store so much Ive made a couple sales but not as much as I’ve made through this affiliate stuff. Oh I’ve lost some weight....anddd once again Gluten is in too many things it can suck a dick.  Night night ily all.

[internaljiujitsu]

You’re Not Lazy, You’re Just Human: 8 Steps To Forge Discipline

I’ve always felt lazy, though I never looked the part. I started lifting weights religiously when I was twelve years old — so long ago that I don’t remember what it’s like not to work out. When you’re fit, people make assumptions about you just like they do when you’re fat. Fit people are like walking billboards for discipline. We get asked all the time how we can skip dessert or go to the gym instead of playing video games and eating pizza. The truth is, plenty of gym rats plop their asses on the couch for some Grand Theft Auto after training, but in at least one area of their lives, they’ve built beneficial long term habits.

Fit people may be disciplined enough to get to the gym because they have a passion for exercise, get a “high” from working out or are just vain — That doesn’t mean they are disciplined people. It means they’ve forged discipline in one part of their life. That’s not the same as a disciplined life in which your practice is reflected in everything you do.

I began competing as a bodybuilder when I was fourteen years old. My training and eating habits were very strict, particularly before a contest. I lived in the world of 6000 calories and twice a day workouts for nine years, but I didn’t give a damn about my health. I just wanted to be as big and freakish looking as possible. I was disciplined about lifting heavy weights and consuming 300 grams of protein a day because I had a singular goal. The other parts of my life were chaotic. I partied like a rock star when I wasn’t training for a show, used recreational drugs and would balloon up to fifty pounds over contest weight in the off season. A disciplined person, I was not, though I was building my affinity for discipline with each can of dry tuna I forced down my throat.

When I was done with competitive bodybuilding, I attacked martial arts with the same dedication pumping iron taught me. The difference was that I was older and had gone through such an intense period of being driven by superficiality and carnal desires that I was hungry for a better way of living. As I learned lessons in martial arts, I consciously applied them to everything. The more proficient I became at fighting, the more at ease I operated in my life.

At my most passionate, I only wanted to go to the gym or dojo 75% of the time. The rest of the workouts I downright hated it. I did it anyway. Why?

I don’t care for having a “boss” because I don’t like doing things just because someone told me to. Instead, I make myself do things I don’t want to do because I think they’re important. They may not appear to be needle movers from the outside, but internally these personal challenges form the scaffolding that allow me to keep reaching higher.

Doing tough tasks because they help me grow started out as me trying to prove myself. What I didn’t realize then was that managing ADHD and depression necessitates that I keep myself constantly engaged. Now, discipline has become a way of consciously exercising control of my mind and body. Starting out on a regimented path doesn’t always come easily. There’s a period of misery that must be endured before you break yourself. But once properly trained, you can get yourself to do just about anything.

Here are the seven steps that help me build lasting habits and make me seem like a disciplined person:

KNOW THE WHAT AND THE WHY

First off, figure out what you want. What do you want to change and why do you want to change it? What are you getting out of this new habit you want to form? If the reason isn’t significant enough, you won’t stick to it. That’s a guarantee.

I’d been wanting to cut gluten for a while with no success. I loved bread and pizza but I knew cutting them out would help me get leaner and feel better. But that wasn’t enough motivation for me. When I noticed my skin was dry and breaking out, and cutting gluten might help, I made the decision to stop instantly. When research into brain health showed me the effects of inflammation due to gluten consumption, the change became permanent. My brain is just too important to me.

2. KNOW WHAT’S BEEN STOPPING YOU

This doesn’t mean pointing figures at some bullshit excuse like not having enough time or loving cupcakes too much to avoid diabetes. There’s a deeper reason you haven’t already gotten started on the road to a fitter body, better job or more fulfilling relationship. Maybe you don’t think you deserve a better life. Maybe you don’t wanna outshine someone you care about. Is this stuff you are consciously aware of? Probably not, so it will take some digging to figure it out, and maybe a little professional help. Before you can reprogram your mind into making your new habit stick, you’ve gotta subconsciously believe you’re worth it.

3. ONCE YOU DECIDE, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

The time to deliberate is before you’ve decided. Once your mind is made up, that’s it. There’s no more discussion to be had. Shutting the door to any possible objection means there’s no haggling. You do what you gotta do, no questions asked. That means no “I’ll do it tomorrow,” or “just this once.”

The moment you begin entertaining excuses, you are vulnerable to give in.

4. MAKE IT THROUGH THE MUD

It’s gonna be terrible. Don’t be surprised and don’t act like it’s supposed to be some other way. Make the most of the lessons you learn while you’re down in the dirt.

The longer you do it, the easier it will get. Not that the actual thing becomes easier, but you think less of the misery before doing it. It’s just the way it is, and until you’ve learned to love it, you’re gonna hate it.

5. IGNORE THE QUITTING VOICE

During the hating it phase, you will be telling yourself to quit. You’ll say it’s not worth it and it won’t matter if you stop. It is and it does. Keep going or you will absolutely regret it.

6. IT’S OK TO ENJOY IT

Once you’ve done it enough times on the days you didn’t want to, you’ll start to occasionally look forward to the torture. You’ll wonder why you’re not dreading it anymore. Don’t question it. You’re changing. Just go with it.

7. WHEN YOU WANNA DO EXTRA, GO FOR IT

There are days you’re barely gonna squeak by. You’re gonna just finish. Then there will be days, once you’ve gone through what author Seth Godin calls, “The Dip,” that long valley of drudgery enroute to self improvement, that you’ll have plenty left in the tank in the end. Do more! Go until you have that, “ok, I’m done,” feeling. Take advantage of your high energy days because you won’t always have them.

A little extra practice here and there will go a long way, but always make sure to stop short of burn out. Leave yourself wanting more while confident you gave your all at your maximum attention level. You should definitely push until the wheels fall off once in a while, but for the most part stop once you start drifting. Too many torture sessions will make you hate the thought of practice. You probably won’t enjoy or retain what you do from that point on and your progress will suffer.

8. DON’T GO FOR THE SHORT TERM

See what you’re doing as a life change. No matter the habit you are building, discipline is cumulative. As you challenge yourself to do difficult shit, conquering or mastering something and leaving it behind does not mean momentum has to stop. Moving on to learn something new, whether related to the first thing or not, will prevent a lull in your creative thinking and keep you building on your progress. With each difficult endeavor you stick to, you build the skills and systems to conquer the challenges ahead.

Don’t label yourself as lazy. It’s a cop out. Everybody has the potential to sit on their ass and vegetate. Take this seven step approach to snapping yourself out of complacency and you’ll be on your way to real change — I know you’ve got it in you. Remember, disciplined people love lying on the couch just as much as slackers do, we just like progress a little bit more.

[sobbingoverthechallah]

Pesach Problems! Or: Are My Housemates Assholes, Or Am I Too Sensitive?

Okay, I’ve got about an hour before candle lighting so I’m just going to dump this into your figurative laps and yeet myself off of Tumblr for the time being. It’s a long rant. I apologize in advance, and i’ll probably delete it later, but anyway please don’t reblog this! Because! It’s! Garbage!

So, this week has been my first PESACH! The two seders I went to at my university’s Hillel were absolutely incredible. I have never felt more included in my life, and my rabbi encouraged so much introspection and debating among us students and alums. I was allowed to bring my old family charoset recipe (I made it vegan, gluten-free AND kosher for Passover, which is almost impossible with a Sephardic-turned-Texas-hick charoset recipe for some reason). I have been eating matzah for a week straight, and I’m not going to lie, I really miss my morning toast. A lot. So much. But it’ll be over tomorrow, and then I can exhale a little bit and go back to not depriving myself of the joys of chametz. 

But that’s been outside of my house, where I live with thirteen other individuals- some undergraduate students, some PhD candidates, some who aren’t even in university. If you read my little rants on here, then you know that my roommate is an atheist, and she has a huge problem with me. See, she’s the only person in this entire house who knows that I’m in the middle of converting. I don’t advertise it, obviously, and my eating matzah noisily with every meal has attracted the attention of my other housemates. If they’re curious about something, I have no problem answering questions. But no one knows that I didn’t grow up Jewish except for my roommate. 

This past week has been filled with little passive-aggressive jabs about, well, Judaism. And my practices. It’s been one long week of side-eye and demeaning jokes about matzah. Of one housemate asking “why are you celebrating something so irrelevant, and without J*sus on Good Friday?” When I dressed according to tznius for the first seder- because, you know, it’s important to be respectful and I wanted to honor my ancestors by wearing some white with my long black skirt- my housemate made sure to give me a long, hard stare and then say “Well! Don’t you... look... modest”, in the most condescending and patronizing tone I think I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s been jokes about “Jews” being thrown around despite the house being FULL of goyim, with the exception of one housemate who’s Jewish and who has been sharing his kosher wine and matzah with me. I was honestly trying to brush all of it off, I swear I was, because I thought I was being too sensitive. But I think I have fully lost my patience. And it starts with my bacon pants. See, I used to LOVE bacon- I loved it so much, my aunt bought me pajama pants covered in bacon for Xmas six or seven years ago. I still wear them quite frequently. I have worn them on a very regular basis over the last five weeks that I’ve been living in this house. 

So imagine my surprise when, after coming into the kitchen to get a glass of wine post-dinner dressed in my pants, a housemate stopped me and said “oh wow, you know, I knew that you had bacon pants, but I didn’t make the connection between JEW and bacon pants until right now!” That’s when I think that I decided to not let the next comment slide. Because Gd knows what kind of crap they would have been telling me over the past week if they’d known that I wasn’t born Jewish.

 And I really don’t want to know. They were comfortable mocking “Jews”, referring to me as a “Jew” right in front of me (pro tip: if you’re not Jewish, don’t fucking call a Jewish person a Jew), making nasty jokes about matzah and blood libels (that came up exactly once this week, but they mercifully withdrew from the conversation after seeing how close I was to exploding sans apologizing), insulting the cultural and ancestral significance that Pesach has for me , because that charoset recipe is all I have left of my ancestors and I won’t stand for someone calling it “a mediocre garbage thing to eat” when they think I’m out of earshot. Lastly, someone put needles (???) on top of my quinoa faux-oatmeal, but that could have just been someone’s stupid negligence, although I don’t know why they thought it was okay to put things in my cubby full of Passover food. It got to the point where I was uncomfortable eating in the house, so I had to eat my breakfast very early in the morning and then eat a big lunch at Hillel, then run up to my room with some matzah before anyone saw me. But Pesach ends tomorrow night, and after saying havdalah, I am going to run to the grocery store and stuff my face full of bread and say a big fat “fuck you” to the guy who thought it was okay to eat a thick slice of freshly-baked bread right in front of my face while saying “oh man, it’s so terrible that you can’t have any of this”. It’s going to be glorious. 

So, am I being too sensitive? Probably. I haven’t had to deal with this before, and it’s become very apparent to me how much privilege I had the last 21 years of my life not having to worry about what I say about spirituality and what I eat in front of other people. That being said, are some of my housemates assholes? Absolutely. I hesitate to put a label on their behavior, because it’s too mild to be something serious enough where I was afraid for my safety, but it’s enough to make me feel slightly on-edge whenever I’m around the same three to five people that think it’s appropriate to insult my life choices, my spirituality, my practices, and my identity. 

I am going to go to Shabbos, hear the yom tov reading, have a lovely Shabbos dinner, and then count both the omer and the hours until I can eat my morning toast on Sunday. Thank you for reading. I just needed to tell someone, anyone, who might understand why I’m so uncomfortable in my own house. 

[followtheintuition]

Relapses are hard. They’re scary, and they’re difficult, and you may feel recovery isn’t working. Relapses can make you lose all hope of ever getting better. I had many relapses in recovery, but it was all a part of the learning process! Just remember that nothing is broken! You have to get up and keep going!

Everybody has experienced some sort of relapse in recovery. You’re not alone, and you’re not a failure. You’re a human being just like the rest of us!

The most important thing is to learn from your relapse. What were the warning signs? What triggered you? How can you avoid it next time? If you learn from it, you can brush off the dust and continue along your road to recovery.

So in this video, I will discuss some warning signs that will indicate you are heading towards a relapse. What to look out for and avoid.

1. Restriction of any kind

Sometimes people still do not comprehend fully that restriction will NEVER lead to recovery. If you want a full recovery restriction cannot, ever, be an option for you.

Maybe you are freaked out by the extreme hunger or just the fact that you hunger does not seem fully normal yet and you start to come up with all those reasons why your recovery is different and why you need to “eat intuitively” aka “not more than your eating disorder feels comfortable with”. You only allow yourself to eat until full and do not respond to the extreme hunger or mental hunger because that would be “bingeing” and “wrong” and will only result in “unnecessary” weight gain. This is not healthy and it’s another eating disorder way to make you restrict. You are not following the body but are following your fears about eating and weight gain.

I have to stress that intuitive eating comes after recovery, and you do not have to force it to happen. If you do, it might just be another form of restriction because the recovery symptoms like extreme hunger, bloating, water retention, and digestive issues are just freaking you out.

Another example is that you may feel “ready” – way too soon in your recovery – to start exercising again. You convince yourself that from now on you’re just being “healthy” or you “looove to run” or it’s your “me time.” In some cases, it might be true, but if you find yourself being more and more religious about it, and you feel guilty if you miss a day (or a month or a year) of exercise, it is very likely (and probable) that you’re not doing it for pure fun and enjoyment but because you think you “have to.” In your head, the weight gain in recovery is “unnecessary.”

Or you may start to exercise again despite still having many symptoms of starvation: no menstruation, still feeling cold all the time, gaining weight easily when you eat until fullness, bloating, retaining water, constipation. These are clear signs that you should continue to avoid all exercise and eat, rest, repeat.

2. You start to collect “thinspiration” pictures on your Pinterest account.

This one is just as an example, but I hope you know what I mean in general. If in any way you start to engage in (or you never actually stopped) looking for images, videos of perfect bodies, or health gurus who are skinny, you’re engaging in the eating disorder. You are still doing the things that keep your eating disorder alive. You follow fitness accounts on Instagram or other social media platforms, you look for diet advice to be “lean and healthy,” – blah blah blah. Stop it, you are heading towards a relapse!

3. Focusing on weight loss

I know that water retention and bloating are both very uncomfortable. Gaining ten pounds in a day is a bitch, and you want to make it pass, but you have to let it go and just wait it out! It will even out as long as you do not relapse.

With weight gain – bloating, water retention, indigestion, or real weight gain – most people hope they will be the exception. “Maybe I’ll be different! Maybe I am the unicorn, and I won’t gain weight. Or if I do, it’s not because of healing but because something is very wrong – and I have to eat less!”

But I’m 101% sure you are not different, and weight gain of some sort (yes, even when already weight restored or even overweight) will happen to you in recovery. Why am I so sure? Because it happens simply because you finally stopped all restrictive behaviors. You start eating enough, and your metabolism is still slow, so you will have bloating, water retention, more food in your system, and slower digestion – and all of these factors contribute to weight gain in recovery. But for the most part, it’s not “real” weight gain. Yes, you will gain some real weight like fat, muscle, and bone mass if your body needs it – and if it’s needed, it’s essential, and you can’t do anything about it! But if you choose to go through full recovery – eat enough and stop exercising, purging, and participating in any other restrictive behaviors – your metabolism will go back to normal, and you’ll restore your body’s normal functions. It’s the best thing you can do for your weight!

4. Too much worry about healthy eating

Eating healthy overall is great, and everybody should learn about nutrition basics like eating more whole foods. Concern about our health is normal, and we should definitely pay attention to it, but I’m talking about the extremes here – the type of healthy eating that makes you miserable and unhealthy instead of making you happy and healthy. The kind of eating that puts you in a very tight restrictive box and gives you an eating disorder.

So many of the people who write to me also come from a past of clean eating and orthorexia like tendencies. If they feel their health is not “optimal,” they automatically start to blame their “unhealthy” diet and beat themselves up about the pizza they had a few days ago because that must be the cause of all their crappy symptoms, not the fact that they are recovering from an eating disorder. So this triggers them to “eat clean” from that point on. They might slowly exclude some things from their diet, and little by little, they fall back into the obsession. They see other “health conscious” people posting triggering food photos on Instagram #glutenfreeforlife and automatically feel guilty about what they’re eating. Intuitive eating is quickly forgotten, and instead, it’s hello rules, food fears, and obsessions!

The way I got myself out of this behavior in recovery was to always remind myself that I wanted to keep eating all the foods I genuinely like, and I wanted to continue being an intuitive eater because it was important for my mental health, not just my physical body. Our mind and body are interconnected. They work together. I knew that restricting the “unhealthy” foods actually made me crave them even more in the long run. Restriction made me binge-prone and obsessed. It’s only when I allow all kinds of foods in my diet, with no restriction, that I don’t crave them so often or in as large amounts. I saw that for my physical health, it was wiser to eat them every now and again than to restrict them completely and then have binge episodes, cravings, food-related stress, and obsession.

5. Former triggering eating disorder behaviors

Any diet behavior will trigger you to relapse and can be a sign that you are already relapsing. Weighing and measuring yourself, body-checking, Paleo/low-fat/gluten-free diet recipe searching or following –all of these previous eating disorder behaviors are signs of relapse or impending relapse. Communicating with other eating disordered people who are not recovering can be a trigger for you as can calorie counting to make sure you do not eat “too much” or eating from blue dishes with chopsticks. You know your former disordered behaviors better than anybody so make sure you get them out of your life for good!

6. Trying to be perfect in recovery

It’s important to realize that recovery is not another diet where you fail. Even though I listed here all possible triggers for your eating disorder, I want to tell you that it’s not possible to be one hundred percent perfect in recovery. Erasing all your triggers and going to full recovery with absolutely no setbacks? Maybe it happens in recovery fairyland, but that’s not real life. Recovery is a journey, and all mistakes are learning experiences.

Nobody expects you to be perfect. Be realistic instead! Expecting to be perfect is another sure way to trigger relapse because if something goes wrong (and it will!), you might just give up altogether because you’ll automatically think it isn’t working. It’s the mindset of “Oh well… I screwed up today so I might as well binge and purge for the rest of the night and start tomorrow…”. If you have this mindset in recovery you will already set yourself up for a failure.

If you climb a mountain and fall a few steps back because there were some loose rocks you didn’t expect, it doesn’t mean you have to go all the way back down and start again from ground zero…or you should start intentionally loosening even more rocks because you can start climbing again from “tomorrow” (makes no sense!). Taking a few steps back does not mean you have to start from the beginning… or that you have to make it even worse by quitting recovery today by going into a full-blown ED-mode because you can start “fresh” from tomorrow…(insanity!) Instead, celebrate the road you have traveled thus far in your recovery, and just continue going!

If you want to learn more about recovery you can take my FREE video course “6 Steps To Recover From An Eating Disorder” or read my step by step recovery book “BrainwashED: Diet-Induced Eating Disorders. How You Got Sucked In And How To Recover.”

Hope you found this video and information helpful!

[davidcarner]

Sarah vs The Life Unexpected Ch 8, Burning up with Love

A/N: For those of you who didn't know, the reason I didn't post to this story yesterday is because I started a new fic, Sarah vs the Life Unexpected: Christmastime is Here. Feel free to click my name and check that one out. I will warn you it does slightly spoil this fic, but if you can't figure out where this is headed (and according to some of you I'll have them married in the next 3 chapters!) you really haven't been paying attention. I hope you enjoy today's chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, but I did/do sometimes write for NerdHQ which Zac owns…

Sarah was excited, and trying her best to hide it. After the meeting adjourned, Chuck invited everyone over to his place for a cookout. When Casey asked what kind of grill Chuck was using, Chuck realized that all he had was a little $20 special square black one. He wasn't even sure he had charcoal. Casey gave him grief for a few minutes, but went to his apartment to get his Beastmaster 3000. Casey also informed Chuck that Chuck was not allowed to touch his grill. Something about that being akin to touching another man's wife. Chuck just shrugged.

Sarah had called her Mom and Emma was going to pick up the girls. Sarah learned that Emma had a date for tonight, so it would just be her, Chuck, and the girls after the party. Sarah smiled at the thought. Years ago, that would have terrified her, now, it just felt perfect. She had run home to pack a bag, while Chuck wandered around his old apartment. When she came out with her bag, he was looking at a wall with his head cocked to the side, remembering years gone by. She surprised him by coming up behind him and slipping her arms around him.

"Do we need to get anything for the party tonight?" she asked. She felt Chuck tense. "You don't have anything do you?" she asked, pulling away. Chuck turned around, a little embarrassed.

"Clara doesn't eat much, and I kinda make do with what we have," Chuck admitted.

"It's okay, we'll go to the store. Together." Chuck smiled at that.

"Is it weird that I think that sounds fun?"

"No, because it does to me to," she admitted.

"Tell me the truth, you've just been bored the past five years, and have a thing with tall guys," he said grinning.

"Especially ones who hair makes funny animals shapes." Chuck put his hand on his head.

"Ellie would kill me if she knew it was this long."

"I kinda like it like that." Chuck's smile could have lit up the entire complex.

"I'm thinking about leaving it like this." She shrugged and picked up her bag. As she turned away, she smiled where he couldn't see her.

"Do what you want, you're a grown man." Chuck snorted.

"The same grown man who didn't buy any food for me last week, so tried some old baby food?" Sarah turned around.

"You're joking, right?" Chuck stuck his hands in his pockets and looked down.

"I ordered Sizzling Shrimp to be delivered," he said, not able to look her in the eye. She couldn't help but grin.

"You're not just dating me so someone will make sure you have food are you?" Chuck couldn't help himself.

"I mean that's not the only reason," Chuck said, smiling. Sarah rolled her eyes.

"Ugh, I'm dating the biggest nerd," as she walked out the door. Chuck stood there smiling.

"And, I'm the nerd," he said happily to himself as he followed her out. Chuck stood by the door of the vehicle, and wiped his hands on his pants several times.

"You okay?" she asked when he got in.

"Yeah, well, I don't know. I did something and I didn't think anything about it, and then I started thinking that you might think it was something, and then I started thinking you might be upset it wasn't something, and mrpphhh." Sarah had put her hand over his mouth to stop him.

"Breathe," she said. He took a breath and nodded. "I'm going to take my hand away slowly, but if you start to spiral again, I'm putting it right back." Chuck nodded. She slowly pulled her hand away. "Now, whatever it is, it's fine." Chuck reached into his pocket and pulled out two keys and handed them to her.

"It's keys to my house. One for you and one for Emma. I figure if you're going to be staying you'll need them. You are welcome to keep them after this weekend as well." Sarah looked him in the eye.

"Did you just ask me to move in with you?"

"No, but I didn't not ask either."

"This should be freaking me out. I should be saying this is all happening too fast."

"We said let's take the weekend and then talk. Let's just do that." Sarah nodded.

"Grocery shopping?"

"Absolutely," Chuck said. "I don't see how anything there can go wrong."

}o{

"Woman, I said no!" Chuck said. "I have said nothing about the lowfat meat, the gluten free bread, and even the insane amount of vegetables, but enough is enough." Sarah's mouth had dropped open. "I am a grown man and if I want Frosted Flakes, then I shall have them," he said, as he put them in the cart."

"Fine!" she said, as she pushed the cart down several aisles and Chuck had to hurry to keep up with her. She stopped in the bakery, turned, looked him right in the eye, and picked up a premade chocolate cake. "Then I will get this instead of making it from scratch."

"Those cookies over there would be good as well," Chuck said in a softer tone. Sarah turned saw them, turned back and nodded, and put them in the cart. The two were trying not to laugh.

"It is quite ridiculous how much I am enjoying shopping with you," Chuck said.

"What's going to be ridiculous is tomorrow morning when Molly sees you eating those Frosted Flakes, and you let her have some, because we both know she has you wrapped around her finger."

"So does her mother," Chuck muttered. Sarah winked at him.

"And then she bounces all day from the sugar high," Sarah continued.

"Ah, there's where you're wrong. She'll collapse at the most inopportune time from the sugar crash," Chuck said. Sarah nodded slowly and graciously.

"You are correct. And, being that you know exactly what is going to happen, I'll let you take care of her."

"You just want Clara because she calls you Mommy." Sarah shrugged, grinned, and didn't deny it. They looked at each other and both started to speak. They laughed and realized that a new song started to play over the store intercom. Elvis Presley's Can't Help Falling in Love came on and they both laughed. "I feel like the universe is trying to tell us something." Chuck shrugged, grinning.

"Who am I to fight the universe. This is probably a pretty serious discussion to have over baked goods."

"Is the freezer section better?"

"Housewares," Chuck replied.

"Well done," she said nodding. "Well done."

"You know, anything you didn't pack, you might need to pick up," Chuck said, slightly embarrassed.

"I'm not judging, but besides work, and watching Clara, have you done anything since Ellie and Devon passed?" Chuck shook his head.

"I mean I'd stop by for food for Clara or diapers or formula, but I just didn't see the reason to do anything else. Ellie and I are both cleaners so there were already plenty of cleaning products. It was just me, so I didn't use a lot of plates and things. I never fixed anything fancy, or even proper. It's not that I was being a slob, I just didn't care. My life consisted of one thing, Clara, and then I realized it was a little more than that."

"When was that?" Chuck looked away, and shook his head.

"You're gonna think I'm lying."

"No I won't, what happened."

"I met a little girl that was upset that she was adopted, and I told her how special she was, and I realized Ellie didn't give up on me, and raised me. I realized she'd be mad if all I did was mope. So I started to get better. It took some time, and I'm not saying I'm 100% there yet, but I'm getting there."

"Molly has a way of getting to people," Sarah said. Chuck just looked at Sarah like she had grown a second head.

"I love that kid, but she's a force of nature. We're going to have problems with her when she's a teenager," Chuck said. Sarah's eyes did something. Chuck thought he had messed up and said something wrong.

"We are when she's a teenager?" she asked quietly.

"Sarah, I told you I'm there for her, no matter what. That kid changed my life, and I love her like she was my own."

"What if I'm married?"

"I'm there," he replied. "Is it wrong to say I hope it's to me?" he asked softly.

"No, it's not wrong, in fact it's right." Chuck realized they were having the discussion in the baby aisle. He picked up a box of diapers, dropped them in the cart, and started to walk away, when her hand came down on her forearm. He turned and looked and her eyes were still indescribable. "You've thought about our future?"

"I don't want to lie to you. No, I haven't," Chuck said, noticing the sadness that covered her face. "But, I can't think about things in the future without thinking about how they will affect you, Molly, and Emma. I haven't really thought about the future itself in a long time. I know it's only been 3 days, but I can't imagine you not being in my life." Sarah nodded. "You know the one thing I do keep thinking about?" Sarah shook her head. "I keep wishing you could have met Ellie. I keep thinking how much she would have squealed when first meeting you, and how much she'd love Molly and Emma. I wish you'd have gotten to meet my family." Sarah took his hand. They didn't say anything else as they went and paid for the groceries. Chuck went to pull out his wallet, and felt a hand on his arm and saw a smile on Sarah's face. He'd give her money later. Okay, he'd try to. He had a feeling anything Sarah didn't want to happen, didn't.

}o{

On the ride back, the two began to loosen back up. They began to talk about anything and everything. When they got to the house, they carried in the bags, and Chuck began to put out paper plates, silverware, and napkins. He walked into the kitchen to help Sarah prepare things. He looked around and noticed everything that needed to be cut up was.

"Culinary school?" Chuck asked. Sarah turned toward him, smiled, and twirled a knife.

"CIA," she replied.

"That's impressive and a little terrifying," Chuck admitted. "Do. Never mind."

"I always have at least one knife on me," Sarah said, smiling, anticipating Chuck's question. Chuck grinned.

"Place strategically? You know, it's probably best not to joke about something like that with your former CIA girlfriend."

"I'm your former girlfriend?"

"This is going downhill quickly."

"Well, then there is something I should go ahead and tell you to make you all sorts of uncomfortable. I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow, but having a daughter wake you at night, makes you realize that's not a good idea. I put my knife in the nightstand beside the bed, and I saw something in there." Sarah was grinning. "You're going to make tell you?" Chuck stood there. "It was an entire box of condoms. Not a little box, but one you buy at LargeMart." Chuck's eyes were closed and he looked like he was trying not to throw up. He opened his eyes.

"Those were probably Awesome's," he said. Sarah looked away, trying to hide her embarrassment. "I haven't completely gone through everything of theirs." Chuck turned to leave the room.

"I'm sorry, please don't leave."

"Oh, I'm not mad, I'm just going to go hide the box I got since apparently that's bad form," he said. The smile on his face said he was completely joking, and Sarah threw a plastic spoon at him, missing. "I thought you were an excellent shot Miss CIA." He hid behind a wall. "Ouch!" he yelled as the spoon was expertly thrown to curve and hit him.

"I missed on purpose the first time," she replied.

"I'm not for sure which is scarier, that you can do that, or that I find it attractive." Sarah rolled her eyes. There was a knock on the door and Chuck went over and opened it.

"I'm hommmeeee!" Molly yelled, walking in followed by Emma carrying Clara. Chuck looked at Sarah. All she could do was shrug.

"You don't have to knock," Chuck said, giving Emma a hug.

"Well, I don't have a key," Emma replied. Sarah handed her one. Emma looked at Sarah and Chuck. Chuck opened his mouth to speak, and Emma held up her hand, shushing him. "I'm not paying for a wedding," she said, and walked off, smiling. Molly came over and hugged Chuck's leg.

"I've got $22 in my piggy bank if it will help," Molly said. Chuck looked at Sarah, who grinned.

"I've got at least $22 in mine," she added.

"You've seen how I run my company, you probably have $21 more than I do," Chuck admitted. Sarah belly-laughed at that one.

"Do Clara and I get to share a room?" Molly asked.

"For the weekend," Sarah said, and winked at Chuck. "After that, we'll see."

"The playroom is HUGE!" Molly declared. "I can't wait to sleep in my Star Wars bed!" and bounded off. Sarah walked over and wrapped her arms around Chuck.

"I understand if this is too much or you want to take it slow," she said softly.

"What if that's the last thing I'm thinking?" Chuck asked. Sarah smile grew. "I have one more thing to give you." He left the room quickly, and came back with a small box. He handed it to her nervously. Sarah looked at him. "Open it." She opened it, looked inside, and back at Chuck. "It was my mothers," he said. "She left it for Ellie when she left, and I want you to have it."

"Chuck, this is something you give to someone really special," she replied, tears in her eyes.

"Yeah, I know," Chuck replied. "That's why I'm giving it to you." Chuck helped her put the charm bracelet on her wrist. She leaned in and kissed him as the doorbell went off. They broke the kiss and Chuck went and opened the door. The entire crew was there and came in. For the next several hours the house was packed like it hadn't been in months. Chuck and Sarah worked in the kitchen together, bumping hips every once in a while after a badly told joke. Guests came and went through the house. Food was made, devoured, and people laid on furniture. As the afternoon turned into evening, Emma left for her party, the guests went on their way, Chuck and Sarah put the two little ones down to watch a movie, and cleaned up. When they finished they came back in the living room, and both were asleep. Sarah grabbed Clara grinning, because she was lighter and began the trek upstairs. Chuck grabbed Molly and did the same. Soon the two kids were in their respective beds, and the two adults were downstairs, snuggling on the couch, with the TV on, watching nothing.

"You sure do know how to show a girl a good time, Mr. Bartowski," Sarah said as content as she had ever been. Chuck pulled away and looked at her.

"Be honest with me, aren't you bored? You were a CIA agent, jet setting and trotting around the globe. Now you're taking your daughter to preschool, you haven't been on a date in forever, and even thought we are dating, we haven't left each other's house. How can this be enjoyable for you?" Sarah ran her hand across his face.

"I'm not saying I didn't enjoy that. I'm not saying I didn't have girlfriends that I used to go out with, party until 5 am, go to sleep for an hour, and then have a 24 hour mission. What I am saying, those days are gone. I get to do so much with my company now. I get to make a difference, I can go on some small missions, but I get to come home and see my little girl, and now my littler girl, and my nerdy boyfriend. I have it all."

"When's the last time you left California?" Sarah put her other hand on the other side of his face, and pulled him in for a kiss.

"You just don't get it, do you?" she asked. Chuck shook his head. "That life was stealing my soul, and Molly gave it back to me. She let me have the life I wanted, and still do the things I'm good at, and because of that little rapscallion, I met the man of my dreams when she stole his heart. Chuck, she saved me more than I saved her."

"You both saved me," he replied. Sarah smiled coyly.

"It's late. Why don't you give me 10 minutes and come up to bed," she said. She gave him a peck on the lips and a wink, and headed up the stairs. Chuck sat there on the couch, and found he couldn't breathe or swallow. After the allotted time, he stood up, and headed upstairs. He walked in, saw the bathroom door was still shut, found his nightclothes, grabbed them, went to the hall bathroom, and changed. When he came back in, he saw Sarah standing there waiting for him with a black coat on that fell just past mid-thigh.

"Chuck," she said softly as she walked toward him. She pushed the door shut, looked him right in the eye, and took off black coat. Underneath was a purple negligee. Chuck made a choking/moaning sound. She walked up and kissed him on the right side of his jaw. "Remember earlier today," she began and switched to the other side of his jaw. "When I told you that there would be consequences?" Chuck's brain was gone, but the words seemed to mean something. Sarah backed away as it hit him. "Chuck, after tonight, I really hope you never keep something from me again. Because this is punishing me as well."

"Sarah," he half whispered/groaned. "I swear I never will again." Sarah nodded.

"You won't, because if you do….just don't." Chuck nodded smiling. "Now, you said you will be a perfect gentleman and you will, right?" Chuck nodded, a look of pain on his face. "I expect maximum cuddling, and tomorrow…well, that's a new day isn't it." Chuck got a grin on his face. "And, I'm not talking 12:01 AM either." Chuck hung his head, walked over, opened the door, and got into bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Molly's in a new place," Chuck replied. "I thought about turning on the baby monitor, but this way I can hear her fine." Sarah stood there looking at him. She smiled and shook her head.

"I really wish you had just told me the truth today." Chuck closed his eyes.

"I really hate the CIA right now."

"Chuck, open your eyes." He did. Sarah crawled into bed, and got to where just inches separated their faces. "This is not Agent Walker. IF it was, you would gladly do this. This is Sarah Walker, who's pissed that Chuck Bartowski didn't trust her enough to tell her the truth when he had the chance. Do you understand?" Chuck nodded. She leaned down, kissed him, and didn't even bother starting on the other side of the bed. She looked up at him for a second. "Please, don't ever keep something from me again," she said softly.

"There's something you should know then," Chuck said. She looked at him.

"I love you," Chuck said. Sarah smiled, snuggled into Chuck and feel asleep.

}o{

Sarah slept like a rock. Chuck heard Emma come in and go to her room. Sleep came in fits. About three, Chuck was sure he heard something. He slipped out of bed, not really sure how'd he'd get back in because of Sarah, and went to the girls' room where he heard muttering. He opened the door, and saw Molly shivering. He walked over to her, and felt her forehead. She was burning up. He scooped her up, and started downstairs with her. Emma met him at the door to the room.

"What's wrong?"

"She's got a fever."

"I'll get the medicine bag."

Chuck got her downstairs and laid her on the couch. He got some washrags and put cool water on them. He put them on her forehead, and waited for Emma. She brought Ibuprofen and Tylenol. Chuck picked up the Ibuprofen first.

"I always use this first, it seems to knock out the fever the quickest," he said. Emma smiled at him. He poured out the recommended dosage, and gave it to Molly.

"Daddy, I'm cold," she said. Chuck picked her up, sat on the couch laying back the best he could and laid her on his chest. He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and put it over them.

"I'll set an alarm for two hours to wake you up for the Tylenol," Emma said. "Unless you want me to stay with her."

"No, I've got her, if you would just listen for Clara," Chuck said. Emma rubbed Molly's head, and bent down and kissed Chuck's forehead.

"Thank you," she said simply. Chuck just smiled. She went upstairs leaving the two in the dark. Molly stirred, and Chuck sang softly to her. She finally settled down, and went to sleep. Chuck just laid there in the dark, softly stroking her hair. "How did I get here, Ellie?" he asked the room. "How did I go from no one to two daughters?" No answers came, but sleep finally did.

}o{

2 hours later, a slight buzzing woke Sarah. She saw Emma go by her room, and she noticed she was alone. She wrapped her coat around her, went down the stairs and stopped when she got to the bottom. There stood Emma watching the couch.

"What's going on?" Sarah asked.

"Molly has a fever, and Chuck is taking care of her." Sarah looked at her.

"When did this happen?"

"A few hours ago," Emma said, looking at her daughter knowingly. Sarah turned back to the couch and may have let out a noise that sounded like hnnnnng. "I think I'll order some tomorrow," Emma said, still looking at Sarah.

"Some what?"

"Bridal magazines," Emma replied. Sarah turned back to her, and held her gaze.

"Get the ones online, that way you don't have to wait for them to be mailed." Emma nodded, smiled, and went over to Chuck to wake him up. Sarah watched as he cared for their daughter. It hit her like a ton of bricks what she had just thought. After a bit the two settled back down on the couch and Emma came back to her.

"You should really know voices carry at night down here," Chuck said just as Emma got to where Sarah was standing.

"Good to know," Sarah said. "You need anything?"

"I've got all I need right here," Chuck answered. "Get some sleep, I love you."

"I love you, Chuck. Good night."

"Night, Momma, night, Daddy," Molly said sleepily. "I love our new home. Chuck looked over to Sarah who he really couldn't see in the dark. He saw her walk over. She hugged him, kissed him, and bent down to whisper into his ear.

"Forget Sunday, we're talking tomorrow," she said, turned, went back upstairs, and went to bed.

"Daddy, does she know that tomorrow's Sunday?" Molly asked. Chuck really couldn't answer, because his brain was spinning. "Daddy, I think I'm going to be sick." Chuck found his brain suddenly worked just fine.

A/N: The fun of trying to spend a romantic evening with someone when you have kids. Thank you all for all the love on both of these Sarah stories. See you soon. Probably update Christmas next.

DC

[wordydelights]

when galaxies collide - the rest of chapter 2 (draft)

I couldn't rest that night, I had said only about four words to Landon that entire evening and I craved responses to my uncertainty. I rolled onto my side for about the hundredth time. The neon-green numbers displayed on the digital alarm clock resting on my nightstand were glowing causing my eyes to squint from its glare. 1:36 AM. Although it was not the best time to have a heart to heart with Landon, I knew that if I did not get answers out of him soon I would wake up to Nicole glued to his side, making it impossible to have real "bro time."

I crept downstairs, staying near the sides of the walls to minimize the unwanted creaking of floorboards. As I neared the end, I skipped the second to last step, smoothly descending my way to the bottom. On the way out of the sleeping house I made sure to stop by the kitchen and snag a bag of cheese puffs as a peace offering for waking Landon up in the middle of the night.

Our garage was separate from our house, it was like it's own tiny shelter. On it's side it had a door topped off with a welcome mat and beside it a window featuring old fashioned shutters. A few years back I made preparations of turning it into my own little art haven. Just somewhere I could feel safe or free, where I could fit in. Unfortunately my undeveloped sanctuary soon became filled with tacky yard sale "steals," craigslist "must-haves," and trashy pieces of furniture found on the side of the road that subtly reeked of cat piss.

When I walked inside I was not expecting how completely pitch black the room was going to be. I fumbled around in circles for a second, knocking into small objects while trying to locate Landon's sleeping body. I took a step, felt an obstacle, took a step back. After a few failed attempts of finding a secure way to reach Landon I grabbed one of the many broken fishing poles we had stashed next to the door and used it as what a blind man would use as his cane, swaying it back and forth in search for potential threats.

I thought things were going pretty well until I swatted a bookshelf displaying old trophies from my dad's past badminton championships a bit harder than intended. Each were no taller than six inches and made out of plastic with gold spray paint chipping off, however in his eyes they were as great of value as an olympic medal.

The bookshelf tilted over onto a row of filing cabinets causing a box of legos which happened to be resting on top of the cabinets to fall to the ground.

I heard a screech then the shifting of furniture followed by a couple failed clicks of a lamp until the attempts were successful. The lights turned on which revealed a frightened Landon with a wild look in his eyes while holding a baseball bat and wearing nothing but a pair of spongebob boxers and mismatched socks.

"Jackson what the hell man," he squinted while shaking off a couple legos stuck to his skin.

I put down the fishing pole, "Sorry, I just wanted to talk."

"I have legos in my asshole."

"Sorry about that." I replied. Then made my way over to the couch from hell. I plopped down onto the sofa allowing my body to sink into the its plush cushion.

"I brought cheetos."

He proceeded to swiftly snatching the bag out of my hands, and opening it without saying a word. Landon was like a vicious animal mauling its prey when it came to food. Shoving handfuls of the cheesy sustenance in his mouth at a time. I watched him as he continued. It seemed he realized I was still present in the room and briefly stopped.

"Alright man, uh, what did you want to talk about?" He rubbed his eyes then scratched his bedhead with his orange powdery fingers.

I shrugged. "How's life?"

"It's going good. But I seriously doubt you decided to ambush me with a box of legos just to ask how life is." I stayed quiet. There was so much I wanted to tell him, to know. "Things are just different now." I said it very vague but I knew that Landon knew me well enough to understand.

"I take it you're mad at me for not visiting sooner."

There was no response, so he continued.

"Jack, different is good. Don't get me wrong I miss us having our adventures together and I hate not looking out for you. But, things aren't going to be the same anymore. I didn't visit as frequent because I have a life of my own now. A bit of freedom, a girl who I really like, a future to look forward to. Everything is just kind of working out for me right now."

I nodded. "Why did you never tell us about her?"

"Of course," He laughed then continued with a smile across his face. "I just wanted it to be a surprise, I never really felt this way about a girl before and I wanted to introduce her to everyone in person." I stayed silent, hoping he could read my mind so I wouldn't have to say what I wanted to say outloud. But he didn't. "Why her?" I cringed.

"Aw come on man, give her a chance. Once you get to know her you'll love her I swear," he responded confidently.

I decided to change the subject and ask him about the people at OSU. According to Landon most people who go are either preppy white kids who only live to drink, bang chicks and get high, while others were conservative hipsters with unshaven beards and choose to eat only vegan, gluten free, organic meals. Landon shared a couple of amusing stories from his experiences at the university such as a teacher accidentally playing porn on the projector instead of the lesson. I could tell he was happy, I had never seen him happier. It might seem selfish but had I wished he was just as miserable as I was. It was sad seeing him succeed. Not because I was jealous, but because I knew that in time he would achieve that picture perfect life. He'll have his own family and kids, a yellow house with a white picket fence and job that he always dreamed of having. We'll see each other during the holidays and occasional awkward family reunions, with no communication in between. I didn't want that life. I didn't want things to change.

"So what about you man? Bringing home any girls," He raised his eyebrows and nudged my arm. He already knew the answer to that question.

"Haha, you're funny," I responded while slightly scooting away. He laughed and covered his face with his hands while mumbling, "My virgin brother." I shoved him out of embarrassment. He removed the palms of his hands from his face and began staring at the sofa's fabric. I could tell he was exhausted from his absent expression.

"Colt." He began as if he was about to say something serious. "This is one fugly couch." Maybe it was the way he said the phrase or it was at that point the sleep deprivation had consumed us both because after that remark we could not stop laughing. It was then where it felt like nothing had changed.

"Before I forget," He said while drifting asleep. "Do you want to come to the End of Fall Festival tomorrow night? I hear they have a real carnival this year." I was about to politely decline but Landon beat me to it.

"Now, I know it isn't your scene but Nicole really wants to go and I think it would be fun." He paused to yawn, then quickly went back on track. "Plus, it would be a real dick move to say no to hanging out with your incredibly awesome, and may I add, attractive, brother who is only in town for the weekend."

He was right. I needed to take advantage of the time we had together no matter the circumstances. And maybe, just maybe, I'd give my potential future sister-in-law a second chance.

[withlovefromlina-blog]

Budget and Boujee

Unless you’re my mom or dad reading this you’re most likely familiar with the 2016 hit by Migos called Bad and Boujee, and have probably heard the basic definition of the expression Bad and Boujee from Urban Dictionary. If not, take a quick pause, pull up a new browser and get acquainted. 

I started today, February 5th, being back on my own again after having spent a fun filled week in Tulum with two of my Canadian friends. I also started being back on my budget! The joke of the week with my friends was when I shared with them my ambitious goal of a 100 MXN a day budget I had been working towards up until their arrival. We thought we were on the same page over our first lunch when they also said 100, but we quickly burst into laughter when we realized I was talking Mexican pesos and they were talking Canadian dollars!

Rewind to before this last year, I’d been blessed with a career that provided me with a healthy flow of dispensable income, and never really thought twice about the small luxuries I afforded myself. Needless to say my friends and I shared this same blessing/trait/bad habit.

But things have changed, and I’ve been out of the employment world for about one year now, and I’ve had to make adjustments in my lifestyle and habits. People often ask me how I am able to afford to do what I’m doing. Now as much as I didn’t worry about money, I never got myself into debt, and was still able to save along the way. 

In addition I sold a property and many of my belongings, so I have some relative wiggle room while I gallivant the world. But I have become frugal and do my very best to get by with a lot less than I used to. I like a challenge and it’s almost become a bit of a game each day to see how well I can do. Mind you, I tend to be very good at finding great deals and yummy meals so I don’t always feel like I’m missing out!

That is until…..friends who are still in the world of employment pop into town!

Then I have a hard time keeping the boujee side under wraps.

But here’s what I’ve learnt, it’s possible to bad, boujee AND on a budget!

No doubt, money can be spent easily in Tulum. From the hippie chic boutiques, to the beach front hotels, to the endless 5 star restaurants and cocktail hideaways in the jungle, you can eat, drink and shop your way through any budget without even leaving the beach strip. We definitely tried to have a balance, and stay within our pre-determined budgets, but…you can’t win ‘em all, can ya!

That being said, I found that if I kept my fridge stocked with a few basics, and didn’t over-eat the way I so frequently did back in North Amercia..budget Mexico Lina is very achievable. My Air Bnb’s come with filtered water and coffee which get me through the morning. A salad made at home for either lunch or dinner makes sure I have a good 100 MXN a day for a meal out! 

And so far in downtown Tulum these are my fav spots that are in line with the “budget” give or take a peso or two.

Burritos from the street corner down the block from the main park..yup that’s all I got for you direction wise. He’s the only one who advertises Vegan and Vegetarian! 75 MXN

Gluten free Vegan option from Burrito Amore - 120 MXN

Pizza from Il Bacaro - 200 MXN

Thai food from Thai Tulum - great pad thai - 90 MXN, Massive veggie filled spring rolls - 80 MXN

Vegan Tacos from La Hoja Verde, huge potion with a very very generous topping of guacamole - 90 MXN

Stir Fry Veggies, Tofu and Rice Noodles from Uno Japanese Noodle - 100 MXN

From the local street vendors I got mango, avocado, cucumber, lettuce, onion, zucchini, bananas, carrots, apples, limes and hibiscus flowers for about 250 MXN and this lasted me all week!

Because I did tacos so much within the first few weeks, I actually seemed to avoid most tacos here in Tulum, but there are plenty of options near the main park on Tulum Avenida and down most side streets if you are adventurous to wander a bit.

Splurgy Eats on the beach - A bit more Boujee

Rosanegra, this place was amazing from the moment we walked in. The detail in the decor, the lighting, the artwork, the bathroom experience which ended in free champagne! And the music all created a very cool vibe. We shared appy’s of salmon coconut ceviche, spicy street corn, chargrilled calamari and burrata plate with arugula, but anything here looks amazing!

Mezzanine for Thai food, only for the money bags! Pun intended, it’s the name of an appetizer. We also shared pad thai which was delicious and served in a beautiful banana leaf.

ARCA and Hartwood are other must try’s for which we had many recommendations for but unfortunately missed out on these.

We didn’t drink much alcohol in Tulum, but there are a number of places that do happy hour and two for ones so you can try and find those if you’re feeling like having a drink!

A few of my other practices when I’m on my own that tend to keep expenses down are:

Filtered water versus still or sparkling bottled

Shared colectivo, bike or walk versus taxi

Sand versus beach chair

Re-usable water bottle

Staying away from the shops! (I have zero space for anything extra so this one hasn’t proven to be too difficult yet)

Getting out and in with the sun, for safety reasons but also I find this regulates my eating habits

Making something with the local produce that feels like a treat so you’re not tempted to grab a cold beer, I am working with hibiscus flower fresh brew tea these days!

Sticking to local shops and street food (I must admit I seem to be able to stomach almost anything on my travels and some aren’t so lucky, so be easy on this one and feel it out for you!) versus restaurants. That is until I found the pizza that dreams are made of���.so I had it one last time today before I move on from Tulum tomorrow!

Doing my own laundry, as long as the weather cooperates for drying!

Self taught yoga and workouts

Food and budgets aside, we rocked our colourful beach wear, bandanas, braids and bold lips! We adventured, we biked, we swam with the fish in the cenote (after a long mental battle on the part of some as the steps into the water were swarming with the fish, and these fish were the nibble your feet and body kind of fish!), and we ate fish (not the same fish although that would have made the fear factor very ironic!). 

We called the Cenote “chay-notay” because it so easily slipped off the tongue as we longed for cold Italian sodas. We got pooped on by pigeons as the crowds around us yelled reassuringly that it was good luck! We spoiled ourselves yet kept finances top of mind, and boy oh boy did we laugh. We took turns at being the voice of sanity, reason, adventure and motivation.

What I love so much about the dynamic the three of us have together is that it’s 100% real. Wacky and fun and real. We say how we feel and what we think, even if it’s not pretty, politically correct or what the other might want to hear. It’s real and it comes from a place of love. You always know where you stand, and this creates trust. We talked business ideas, furthering education and general future plans. It made me think of how lucky we are to have the space and freedom to draft the blueprints of our futures.

We nursed sun burns and all too anxious minds. We took time out’s as needed: walks on the beach, Oprah/Eckhart Tolle podcasts, and some good old Tibetan singing bowl meditation music. Of course we took selfies, and took turns getting just the right portrait shot. Which I must admit I am grateful for as I mostly have scenery shots when I travel alone! I will miss their company to say the least. But, as the sign in the magical jungle read, KEEP GOING, and this is what I’ll do. Feeling grateful and feeling the love for my Canadian friends.

For me right now financially, it’s really a mind set. As much as I want to keep a safety net ready and waiting for the next downpayment on a home, or for whatever else might lay ahead, I know money comes and money goes but time cannot be recovered. I also know (and am kindly reminded by the cheerleaders around me), I worked very hard for the past decade, and I now have the means and time to live out a dream and to truly be alive in such beautiful places. Work, and therefore more money, is definitely in the near future but for now I know I can balance between budget and and a little boujee just fine.

So if you’re looking to do Tulum on a budget, splurge a little, or do a combination of the two, just give me a holler, I’ll give you the scoop.

Just for giggles:

Rain drop,  Drop top

We did Tulum in flip flops

Rain drop, Drop top

You aint nothin without your crop top

With All the Love From Lina #badandboujee

[aliceellablog]

Come on Brian!!! You can do it!!!

Hellooooooo :) OMG…. I’m in an actual good mood!! Lucky for you guys this might just be my most positive blog post yet! But let’s not get carried away, I mean, I’ll always find something to complain about eh ;)

So this week I’ve been more up and down than a bride’s nightie. I went from feeling strangely high up to so far down I never thought I’d reach the surface again.

When I last posted I was feeling so god damn positive. Like I could conquer the world - I felt like even though I still had that fluey thing I couldn’t wait to get better and kick my M.E. in the balls….. instead… my M.E. hit me right in the vag. (Don’t worry… my vag is fine…. #TMI)

Monday was nice. It was sunny (Love me some vitamin D) and I traveled down to saaaaaaf east Landan to see one of my best friends. We ate masses of Chinese takeaway and watched shit tele- in other words, best evening ever!! I was in a really good mood and felt emotionally strong. Gwarn gal.

Then on Tuesday I woke up and felt like someone had not only taken out my batteries and buried them in a land far far away  but they had also run me over with their bloody massive heavy bus and then… I don’t even know…. done something to make me cry. A lot.

What a bastard.

No matter what I did I just couldn’t shake it. I managed to keep it together (kind of) most of the morning and was doing the Lightning Process as often as I could (See my other blogs if you would like to know more about what that is- but basically it’s a Neuro Linguistic Programming/ brain training thang I’m trying ATM for my M.E.) and then by the afternoon came I completely broke down.

I couldn’t stop crying and could hardly breathe. I was having panic attacks and it yet again felt like my world has collapsed and I didn’t want to live in it.

The process is a lot about making changes and life choices and sticking to them- it’s really hard because by ‘allowing myself’ to have this break down, that then meant that I had failed in doing the LP. That thought was then just adding fuel to the fire and making me even more upset.

I knew that the LP had been really helping me the last few days, especially considering that I’d had this fluey thing yet I was still able to feel positive (trust me that’s a bloody miracle) so I hadn’t lost all my faith. I just had to find a way to pull it together and power through.

Allow me to please introduce you to Brian. He’s a funny one is Brian… he controls my whole body and everything in it - or does he??? That’s what I am trying to figure out. I THINK I can take control of him and stop his silly thoughts, or at least I hope I can, but does Brian control my thoughts or do I? - Yes Brian is my brain, and it makes me laugh… Every time I am struggling to do the LP and I get a bit annoyed with myself, I start saying in my head ‘Come on Brian!!’ ‘You can do this!!’  …. ‘silly silly Brian’ ahhh… it’s making me laugh now as I type that… god I am a weirdo….

So after a day of sobbing and feeling broken hearted that I was feeling so much worse I went to bed and cried myself to sleep,  but I knew that tomorrow was a new day and a new chance to start over again… AGAIN.

I woke up on Wednesday feeling determined as ever. I was meant to have a writing session that day but it got cancelled so I had a little think to myself….. What could I do today that would challenge my body and mind and make me feel like I had achieved something if I managed to do it?? PRIMARK that’s what!! lols…. even though it is like hell on earth I do love a good rummage!! Throughout the morning I kept getting waves of feeling too ill and ‘Brian’ was there saying ‘you’re not well enough to go’ ‘just stay home and rest’ but I ignored him and went for it! I am lucky enough to be able to pretty much just get one bus there and back so at least I don’t have the tube struggles :)

So I went, I saw, I purchased :) AND I treated myself to my fav chicken wings on the way home!! I was knackered but in a good way- in a - I haven’t done much for a while so I probs should be knackered kinda way.

I rested that evening and then it was Thursday.

Thursday was also a good day!! I went and got ma hurrrrr did!!! YASSSSS QUEEEN!! My hair dresser Kris is amazing! I’ve finally found someone who can get my hair white blonde in one visit!! - trust me, my natural hair colour is really dark brown and I used too have to go like three times for them to get it the right colour!! This time though we decided to go pink :) :)

It’s always lovely seeing Kris, he’s not only gorgeous (unfortunately he bats for the other team) but he’s hilarious too and we always have a proper giggle! Although if you’re reading this Kris, one day I WILL turn you!! HAHAHAH

I did the LP all day and then managed to do my nails when I got home :) How cute are my little bunnies and chicks though right?? 

By the way - I do just feel the need to say that I can not wait to get back to work!! This must seem like I am now just spending my days spoiling myself!… shopping, hair, nails….well….. lol… but seriously, I am spending these days trying to build up my strength and my stamina so that I can book in sessions and gigs and then stick to them. Also I’ve had so much time recently where I wouldn’t have actually been able to go and get my hair done, so to me it’s an achievement. - I have already started booking some writing sessions in for late next week! Wish me luck!! But I feel like if I can stay on the right track I will be able to do them! Yay!

Friyay had been booked in for a while, and for weeks I thought that I wouldn’t be able to go and that I would have to cancel on my friends yet again… but…. she made it!!! We went to a lovely little pub in Hampstead for lunch and it was so nice to spend some quality time together…By quality time I mean that basically we spend ALL of our spare time together as it is, but we are usually just talking bollocks, laying on the sofas with Catfish on the tele - not that I am complaining ;) But this was a little more ‘civilised’ and I felt like a grown up ;)

The food wasn’t that great not gonna lie, but that was more because they didn’t have many gluten free options…so I ended up ordering scallops and bread #random. I’ve never tried scallops before and I wasn’t a massive fan. Chewy bland weirdness in my mouth. Get out please. The bread (sourdough) was ok…. but not really worth £13…I’ll get over that though… or will I?! lol

The company however was GREAT- all of the gals got pretty drunk and I was the sober observer as per usual. I hate that, but am kinda used to it. Maybe I will be well enough to drink again some time soon….although I do have way more important priorities I know, so don’t worry!! I do have problems with self control though and am a bit of the ‘all or nothing’ type, so if I say I am going to have just the one drink, it ends up being a countless amount and then I die for a very long time afterwards- I’m talking weeks! - The last time I drank was New Years Eve - I had just had a really good patch through most of December and was so massively on track! I was working, socialising, still not to the extent I want to be, but I was able to do an OK amount which was AMAZING.

Then NYE hit. ouchhhhhh…whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!? why did I do it? Actually I know why. Because I wanted to be normal that’s why.

We went to a house party where I drank quite a bit of vod (maybe 4 or 5??) which is enough to finish me right off, but had a bloody fantastic night! We were all dressed up as Snapchat filters (obvs) and I actually felt like partying! For the first time in forever I did a little bit of dancing (shocked cat emoji) and wasn’t sat down on the sofa at the side the whole time as expected!! I still left early and slept in the cab home but I was so bloomin’ happy.

Then I was not so happy…. this is my most recent kind of relapse within the big relapse if that makes any sense. I think I’ve been pretty unwell and at home most of the time since New Years with the odd few days of being much better and then straight back down again- They call it ‘boom and bust’ in the M.E. world, where you basically feel a little bit better so you do a bit more because you are desperate to and then it’s too much so you’re worse than when you started. Good times.

So yea, since then I haven’t had any alcohol…ok that’s a lie… I went on a date (shocked cat emoji again please) and really felt like I had to have one drink, but that was a whole other story that when the time comes deserves its own blog!! (just you wait) - and yes I got really unwell after I drank so never again. It’s been about 3 months sober now (LOL I don’t actually have a drinking problem at all) but we have a house party in about a months time…. uh ohhhh I know it’s so easy to say that ‘your health is so much more important’ and not to drink, but there’s a fat alcoholic stuck inside of me trying to get out and she just wants to party and eat LOL.

So now I am on the train down to Sussex now to see my family for the Easter weekend :) I usually end up breaking down to my Mum and spending a majority of the time resting, but I am feeling confident that I can ‘Process’ throughout my time there and really enjoy being home……. AND SEEING MY CAT!!!!!

So I packed my laptop away and got off the train and am now avec la fam :)

Happy Easter you lovely lot!!! I hope that you all eat as many easter eggs as physically possible and that you are able to spend a bit of time with ya loved ones! 

Every day, and week, is so up and down but we’ve just got to keep the faith. Most of the things I did this week I genuinely didn’t think I would be able to do, and couldn’t have done the week before. The darkest roads lead to the most beautiful destinations, we’ve just gotta somehow travel down them without giving into them. Oh, and we’ve GOT to learn to control our Brian's, I really believe that. Let’s see what happens…. ;) xx