#I might actually need to come back and draw a background but my iPad was suffering because I used such a big canvas

[cs-cabin-and-crew]

Runda from under the earth over the sky

McCosh as her 2k celebration on her YouTube, posted the whole audiobook in its entirety. And as my own celebration I of course, drew fanart.

(Also a mini celebration for her upcoming Kickstarter for Wind and the Wild. Apparently there shall be sprayed edges and I can already hear my wallet crying.)

[cyberphuck]

So now that the AWOL iPad has come home (it was a gift from a very very dear friend) I will finally be able to start taking commissions again. I need to get back into practice doing digital art, though, so I am offering

FREE COMMİSSIONS

To anyone who wants their OC or fursona or blorbo drawn (If you ask for a fursona it might be a little shitty, I have drawn one fursona in my entire life).

1. Three slots

2. You either get a character head-and-shoulders or bust-up (bust-up usually turns into waist-up with me)

3. One character, no background, but you can request a caption, speech bubble, or emoji bubble

4. No Sleep For Whales is fine, I have no issue with nudity or face covered in manchowder or whatever but *at this time* I will not be drawing things-in-mouth only because I am lazy (gore and body horror are fine too.)

5. Provide references and/or a detailed description as well as pose and expression. You can also tell me your OC's backstory, it actually helps me get a feel for what they look like

And finally, 6. They get done when they get done. I don't expect a commịssion to take more than a week and I'll send you updates as I go, but my life sometimes explodes at random and these are free.

I will be using the art I make as examples for when I do paid comms.

Send me an ask or a DM to claim your slot, then you have a couple days to think of what you want.

[taikk0]

old art dump!?1!11?!! [part 1]

yeah I really wanted to post these at some point but they're so fcuking ugly they don't deserve to be posted out in the open for all to see 💀💀

like if I were to ever post these one by one I think my dignity would take a huge blow, and that's coming from someone with a massive crater in their chest where their ribcage once was because all their self-respect got absolutely THWACKED out of their body the moment they started simping for the krang. SPOILER ALERT I'm that someone

anyways they're all under the cut peer at your own risk

I know I already posted this here on my improvement post but fun fact: this was the very first fanart I made this year getting back into Rise

also yes there will be commentary, I will always feel the need to explain myself when it comes to things I would greatly want to apologize for 🧍‍‍♂️

WHY DID I DRAW THEM SO HORRIBLY DEFORMED WHO DROPPED THEM RAPH OVER HERE LOOKING LIKE MEGAMIND AND LEOS BUILT LIKE A PIATTOS CHIP

I literally do not remember the context of this at all. not sure if it was a continuation of something, but if it was I can't find the rest of it

don't know how to draw the turtles???? MEME REDRAW BABY

character development is finally realizing Mikey isn't a literal circle lIKE????? WHY IS HE SO BOILED EGG

this was also in my "I have no idea how to properly color" phase, which explains why it's so monotonous compared to the colors I tend to choose now. Everything just looks so murky.... like dirty paint water.....

the mystic door symbol thing doesn't mean anything, I think past Michael just wanted to fill in the space

mikyomix name reveal real?? jk it's always been out, I just haven't mentioned it here, anywho yes hi it's me a Michael

might redraw this soon actually, who knows

this was the very first time I ever actually drew Donnie right, where he didn't make me nauseous just by looking at him, and IT WAS FROM THIS WEIRD SPECIFIC ANGLE FROM SOME REASON. If I ever drew him in a way that looked good it was almost always THIS angle, especially in doodles, it was never ever Donnie actually facing front, it was just him with this weird slouch and his back turned slightly.

am I using too many of whatever "," is, listen I almost flunked English I can't punctuate for crud but I'm trying my best over here ok

(side note: the file name is called "dunkin donuts"???)

this was never supposed to see the light of day, but I think this would be considered fanart of a fanart?? I saw taytei 's species swap au on pinterest before I knew who they were and decided "yk what?? yeah I'll steal it but only for me because I'm bored"

which brings me to the next few drawings

LOOKING AT THESE SENT SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE AND MY DINNER UP MY THROAT I DON'T LIKE THEM

we're moving on I don't like looking at these they're gross 💀

I made a joke about Donnie giving Leo his own tablet because he kept stealing it based on a very old drawing back in 2019 and it led to the idea of Leo turning into an Ipad kid, crusty screen and Ipad case in all its glory

if it wasn't obvious the background is a png of McDonald's because of course they're at McDonald's

ok, this is gonna sound so stereotypically ADHD of me but listen it makes sense lemme explain

so basically, I had a silly thought in my head that I've had for a long while about Donnie being British for no reason with no explanation as to why, it's not a headcanon it's just a funny thought I like to think about (so maybe it's an AU idk)

and I was binging Jack Whitehall (who was British) and it got to the part where he went on a schpiel on Robert Pattinson where he was talking about what it was like to go to school with him and there was this one section where he talks about being in school theatre with him.

and I thought.... "man wouldn't it be funny if that was the disaster twins..." and everything spiraled from there.

I made up this whole Yokai school they would have gone to if they didn't live in the sewers. Donnie is the head of the drama club, he always plays and casts himself as the main character in his own productions that he himself directs because he's just that good at his job. Leo joins the drama club and shows Donnie up, making him a little bit jealous. Leo is only let in because of the club members vouching for him, Which then leads to Donnie treating him poorly and casting him as a tree (SEE WERE COMING FULL CIRCLE) this obviously upsets Leo and ends up giving him more of a reason to become the center of attention, What was supposed to be a drag ended up helping Leo more than harming his chances of ruining Donnie's plans.

Everything then spirals into a competitive back and forth as to who is the better actor. It stops being about who gets to play which part and more about who comes out of this feud alive with a prestigious acting role tied to their name.

That was everything I thought about at the time though I just thought "HAHA DISASTER TWINS HIJINX" and that was it

someone send me that Donnie toy with the big head and maybe I will start writing fanfiction/JJJJJ

I had this idea of Donnie adopting a dog from Todd because it had an attitude and then the dog ended up being just as smart as him helping him solve equations and stuff and eventually it became his lab partner

yeah that paired up with the RotTMNT drama club thing I sound like I have a very weird brain we're moving on

I have to admit this because I really didn't wanna post this without a heads up but yes this is inspired by that one drawing made by h*bermen right before I even knew about what they did and I feel guilty about this one sometimes just by the sheer fact that it's even loosely associated to them :/

I have nothing to say about this one other than I suck at rendering

this drawing of the boys fighting over their childhood blankie was supposed to be a bit of a concept for a comic I wanted to make but never got around to even writing it out,

the gist of it was that the lair was starting to get a bit messy with the things they've hoarded over the last couple of years, so the turtles+splinter decided to clean everything up, managing what to throw away and what to keep

they come across a blanket that they used to have as kids (which was the same blanket from the flashback in hidden city's most wanted) The individual turtles are hesitant at first and decline wanting to keep it, but overtime they start to realize just how much they want their childhood blanket back. They start making excuses and stealing the blanket from one another, insisting that they needed it for something important, which was very much not the case.

soon everything ramps up to the point where their methods of trying to take ownership of the blanket start getting wilder and wilder and hijinx ensues, not long before everyone overtly starts fighting over it like their life depended on it at the climax of the episode.

I didn't really have a plan yet as to how it was going to end, but if I were to make something up on the spot I'd say either:

A.) it's revealed that the blanket was actually splinter's old bath towel that he doesn't use anymore, the turtles are disgusted by this and stop fighting over it. That is until the twist at the end where one of the turtles comes back for it and takes the towel for themselves when no one is around. gross.

B.) Mikey stops the fight before it gets too serious, calling him and his brothers out for acting like savages over a blanket. Soon everyone realizes that the blanket isn't important, the blanket may be of great significance to them, but their memories together will always be more important, and they can't let a simple piece of cloth tear them apart.

and then after everyone else has left and made up, turns out that it was actually Mikey's plan all along to have them stop fighting to keep the blanket for himself.

this is more of a doodle but I had to bring this one up because it's just funny to me

basically, I was drawing Leo and I had two separate layers, I drew Leo photogenically on the layer above with the deranged Leo invisible underneath, and after some time I completely forgot what I drew on the layer below and made it visible again

yeah you can imagine my soul leaving my body

white-eyed Raph freaks me out,,, where did the yellow go,,,,

"I'M SENSITIVE LEO"

this is the only non-turtle drawing in this whole post I think

okay, a bit of a backstory on this one, this was my very first actually finished RotTMNT animation. It was for a trend on TikTok not too long ago where artists would be drawing a character and the character would move to let the artist continue drawing them

This one animation has single-handedly given me so much clout, like holy crap it's literally at 5M views now and it scares me a little 😭😭

for anyone wondering, its this one

YES I AM AWARE OF HOW CRINGE IT IS LEAVE ME ALONE IM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS BACK IN MAY

or whatever month it was, I have no idea what 5-5 is supposed to mean I can't read tiktok dates

not rise related but oh my word I absolutely do not have an actual art style 💀

donnie gets trolled

very eyestrainy. this is a WIP screenshot from an animation meme I never finished

I still have the Krita file btw, so maybe one day ill get to show u guys the full soon if I ever get around to finishing it

I have no idea why I formatted this the way I did, but I'm assuming this was most likely a doodle right on top of the animation meme I mentioned earlier and I just didn't bother cropping it

yeah idk why I drew them with really big eyes

he's sleep-deprived and done with everything he's about to go apeshit

also, weird brush

when I tell you guys I was SO READY to see Leo die in the movie before any information on it came out

vine reference in 2022 baby

I'll have you guys know this was completely by accident

Anyways that's as much as I could fit in one post!! I have a bit more but ehhh maybe sometime later

these are all in the order I made them in, which explains why it kind of gets better the more you scroll, so I hope your eyeballs have been cleansed even slightly by the newer ones jfdsjfkI

I have no idea how to end this post uh like and subscribe

[raibebe]

Of needles and seduction

Genre: Fluff and smut Words: 15.2k Prompt: Johnny tattoo shop AU featuring best friends Yangyang and Jaemin Warnings: contains smut, Daddy-kink, size-kink, mentions of mirror-sex

A/N: This is very self-indulgent, I’m sorry. While I do have piercings myself, I know next to nothing about tattoos, so I’m sorry if anything is inaccurate. Also I don’t advise what some characters in this are doing for yourself. Just a quick special thanks to @burtonized​ who has listened to me ramble about this story and Johnny and helped me write this by giving me ideas and support. Thank you darling! This fic is a beast, I have never written anything this long,it’s insane. If smut isn’t for you, you can stop reading after the phone call and still have a pretty decent story. If you feel like, you’ve seen this post before, you might have. I deleted the original one because tumblr decided to delete it from the tags.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” You asked for what you felt was the tenth time in the past five minutes. “It’s going to be fine. The shop is clean and sanitary,” your friend Yangyang groaned while running his hands through his messy, blonde hair. It was getting way too long, hanging low into his eyes. “I’m just saying that this doesn’t seem like a safe place,” you mumbled but followed your hyper friend through a more than dubious looking side street of Itaewon. “Jaemin got his piercings done in the same shop and those healed just fine, stop being a baby,” the blonde said while rolling his eyes. He quickly checked his phone for the address of the (probably illegal) piercing and tattoo shop and took a sharp turn into an even shadier looking street. “I still don’t get while you need me to come with you when you want to get your nipples pierced for god knows what of a stupid reason.” “It’s easy,” Yangyang grinned at you, “Ten said I wouldn’t dare to do it. And I’m going to prove him wrong and you’re going to document the progress.” “Do you ever listen to yourself talk? You’re literally paying someone to stab you into your nipples to shove a piece of metal through it just to prove a point.” “It’s just one nipple though.” “How does that make it any better, Yangyang?” You deadpanned. Your friend groaned again. “I knew I should have taken Guanheng with me. He would have been supportive.” “He would also be supportive of getting ‘I love Tacos’ tattooed on your ass.” “He would,” Yangyang agreed with an exaggerated dreamy look on his face. “What a madlad.”

You sighed but couldn’t help smiling at his antics. You had befriended the hyper exchange student when you had been assigned to be partners for a group project for your mandarin class. Yangyang had only taken the class for extra credit and easy good grades while you were struggling like crazy and had seriously questioned all your life choices that had let to you taking the class. (But mostly you regretted listening to Renjun who had convinced you it would be an easy class.) The group project turned out to be rather easy when you had a native speaker as your partner and you had become fond of the younger student, staying in touch with him and helping him find his way around the big campus. If you had known that he was a package deal with a bunch of other equally hyper and questionably crazy exchange students, you might have thought a little longer about keeping in touch after the project was over. But who were you kidding, the other boys and Yangyang were incredibly dear to you and if Kun had his regular morning coffee, the others weren’t even that chaotic.

“That’s it,” Yangyang suddenly exclaimed, pointing at a small beat up looking wooden door that looked like it was ready to fall out of the doorway any second. But a little green neon sign that hang next to it flashed the word “open” onto the street indicating that a shop must be hiding behind it. Your arguably best friend quickly grabbed your hand as if he had been sensing that you were about to complain again and dragged you into the shop. A little bell jingled quietly when Yangyang closed the door behind you two. You took a deep breath to calm your nerves (hell you weren’t even the one to get stabbed with a needle) and took a look around the small room. It was small and poorly lit and every free space on the walls was plastered with drawings and photos of both freshly done and healed tattoos. You had to admit that whoever had done those had done a good job, they looked really neat. You guessed that at least two artists must be working in the shop. A good portion of the art were very neat black and white works (some looking freakishly realistic) while others were very vibrant and artistic.

With a confident bounce in his step, Yangyang went up to the counter to a man with wild bubblegum pink hair wearing a black tank top that showed off the ink on his arms and torso, all kept in black except for a deep red rose on the side of his neck. His eyes were lined with dark eyeliner, making them seem like dark bottomless orbs, and they were fixed to the screen of a laptop that was covered in stickers that were a wild mixture of cute characters and various rock and hip-hop bands. “And what brings you here?” The man asked with a surprisingly deep voice, turning his head towards your friend. “A friend of mine told me I could get pierced here,” Yangyang spoke, his hands fumbling with the loose threads of his sweater. “And if that was the case, what would you want to get pierced?” “My nipple.” At that the other man raised one of his perfectly arched eyebrows. “People usually start off with getting an earring or something.” “Go hard or go home,” Yangyang grinned, making the other man snort. “If you have 70.000 Won in cash, I can look if one of the piercers is free.” When your friend got out his worn wallet and put a couple of bills onto the counter, the other man smiled for the first time. It didn’t quite fit his whole dark punk aesthetic but you couldn’t deny that he was really good looking.

“Don’t run away now kiddo, I’ll see if someone is free,” he grinned, “I’m Taeyong by the way.” When he disappeared behind a curtain made out of pearls into the back, Yangyang turned towards you with the biggest smile on his face. “I told you it was going to be fine.” You just hummed nonchalantly, still not entirely supportive of the whole idea. “One of the guys is ready in a bit,” Taeyong said when he came back to the main room. “Are you getting anything?” He asked, looking at you. “Oh no, she’s a scaredy-cat, just here for moral support and to document that I actually did it,” your friend answered for you. Your face immediately heated up under the intense gaze of the pink haired tattoo artist. “Too bad,” he just shrugged. “So technically you need to sign stuff for legal issues and whatnot. But since this place doesn’t exactly exist on records, we’re skipping that part. You’re not on drugs or any meds, right?” “I’m not,” Yangyang shook his head, making his hair flop back into his face. “Any issues with fainting or other medical conditions?”   “Nope.”   “Great. Had a good meal before coming here?” “I had breakfast,” Yangyang shrugged. “You had a slice of cold pizza from yesterday,” you groaned. “That I ate in the morning, therefore it’s breakfast,” he argued. “Well in that case,” Taeyong interrupted your bickering and threw a granola bar into Yangyang’s hands, “Eat that and let your girlfriend treat you to some proper food afterwards.” Before the blonde could deny anything, you had already opened your mouth to tell the other man that in fact you weren’t dating.

“Sure, sorry for assuming,” he shrugged and sat back behind the counter, taking out an iPad and began drawing something, probably a tattoo design. “Nervous yet?” You asked Yangyang who was uncharacteristically quiet while munching on the granola bar. “Shit, I’m really doing this,” he replied, exhaling shakily. “You don’t actually have to, Yangyang,” you tried to comfort him. “And let Ten just get away like that? No way. I am doing this. I’m not his little baby Yangyang anymore,” he said like the stubborn child he was. You could just sigh and roll your eyes at him. “He might have just been joking, you know?” “One does not simply challenge Liu Yangyang like that and not expect consequences.” “Kun is going to actually flip and pop a vein,” you tried to reason with your friend for a last time. Kun was doing a lot of coordination work for the exchange students with a Chinese background and had taken on almost a fatherly role for the younger students that hadn’t been in Korea for long. And even though Ten wasn’t even that much younger than Kun, he almost lost his otherwise calm composure when the Thai boy had announced that he successfully had pierced his ear by himself yet again after he had convinced a poor med student to smuggle some equipment for him. And from there the situation had somehow escalated into Ten daring Yangyang to get a nipple piercing. “Well he can’t do anything about it once it’s done. We’ll just make sure he’s with someone who can call an ambulance if he ends up having an aneurism.”

“Someone still wants their nipple pierced?” A new voice interrupted your conversation and a tall man with dark inky hair came into the room, making the pearls of the curtain clink against each other. One side of his head was shaved while the longer hair on the other side framed his handsome face beautifully. He was wearing a loose black T-shirt paired with ripped jeans with almost as many holes as there was fabric that hugged his long legs perfectly, showing that he had also ink on his legs. From his lobe dangled a little silver chain and of course his arms were covered in intricate designs, one arm strictly black ink while the other sported some colorful pieces as well. In the center of his plush lower lip sat a black ring and just beneath his left eye two little silver balls were reflecting the low light. You couldn’t deny that the man looked absolutely stunning despite his unusual appearance.

“Yes, me,” Yangyang eagerly answered the man’s question and walked towards him, tugging you with him. “Too bad,” the piercer grinned cheekily and winked in your direction, making your heart flutter in your chest and heat rise to your face, before he extended a big hand to shake Yangyang’s much smaller one. “I’m Johnny,” he introduced himself before leading you both into a smaller room in the back with a simple black padded bench in the middle of the room and a desk tucked into a corner. The walls were plastered with art and photos like the main room, showing that Johnny apparently was able to pull off a bunch of different tattoo styles. He seemed to have a thing for florals and roses though. The only free space was taken up by a full body mirror at the opposite wall. Johnny sat down on the little stool that was standing by the desk and motioned for Yangyang to sit on the bench while you sat down in the only other chair in the room, made of worn looking black leather.

“Let me see your chest before we start this whole thing,” Johnny spoke to your friend after he had grabbed a pair of silver framed glasses that sat low on his elegant nose and slipped on a fresh pair of black gloves. With only slightly trembling hands, Yangyang pulled his sweater over his head, keeping his hands buried in the fabric. “Looks good to me. Left or right one?” “Ehrm, I haven’t really thought about it,” he confessed. Johnny chuckled. “Spontaneous decision to get your nipple pierced?” “He does it to prove a point to a friend,” you supplied before Yangyang had the chance to answer. “Seems like a valid reason,” the tattoo artist grinned, “You play guitar or anything where the strap could irritate the new piercing?” “Just the violin,” Yangyang supplied, demonstrating how he would hold his instrument. “Then I’d suggest we go for the left one,” Johnny concluded, grabbing a bunch of stuff he needed. “Is it going to hurt badly?” “No idea, mine aren’t pierced.” “The first one is fine,” another voice chimed into the conversation and a pink mess of hair appeared in the doorway. “My client is there and Jaehyun isn’t back from his break yet, have an open ear for the door.” Johnny just hummed but it seemed enough to satisfy Taeyong who disappeared just as quickly as he had appeared.

“You ready?” Johnny asked one last time. Yangyang took a deep but shaky breath and nodded. “You better film this so Ten knows it’s real,” he said, holding out his phone towards you. Rolling your eyes, you got up from your actually really comfortable chair and took the phone from your best friend’s hands while Johnny disinfected Yangyang’s nipple and drew two little circles where the bar would go through it before grabbing a small mirror to show him. “Let’s do this,” your best friend nodded and you pressed record. “It’ll be quick,” Johnny promised, disinfecting one last time before he grabbed a pair of tongs to hold the nipple in place and freed a needle from a foil package. “I’ll count to three and then I’ll start, alright?” “A-Alright.” “Last time to chicken out.” “No, I’m doing this,” Yangyang gritted out, closing his eyes. After that everything happened really fast: Johnny counted to three and steadily pushed the needle through Yangyang’s nipple, who bit his lip hard. He then let the needle dangle from the nipple while freeing a little barbell from another foil package to insert it through the canal he just had made. “And that’s it,” he announced when he secured the little balls on either side of the barbell. You ended the recording when Yangyang left out the breath he had been holding in. “Now no sports, especially no swimming or sexual activities for a while. Clean it well and don’t worry if it gets sore, that’s normal. It can take a while to heal, so be patient and don’t let it get infected. You can get a smaller barbell or a ring once it’s healed. Just come back to get it changed to be safe.” “Fuck I really did that,” Yangyang cursed and looked down to his chest, “I think I need a minute before I can get up.”

“Take your time, I don’t have any clients for another half an hour,” Johnny reassured him, putting the used materials into the trash. “Just please don’t vomit all over the floor or hit your head while fainting.” “That has happened before?” You asked, eyes wide. “Not on me but it’s not unheard of. You sure you don’t want anything?” he asked, turning towards you. His silver framed glasses had slid down his nose a little and you couldn’t deny that the man looked really hot, looking at you from beneath his lashes. “She’s too scared,” Yangyang teased. He couldn’t feel too bad if he still could do that then. “Too bad, I think you would really suit a little conch or something,” the piercer motioned around his own ear to indicate what piercing he meant. “A conch?” You asked, turning towards the mirror to try to imagine it. “Wait let me show you.” Johnny quickly got up to search through the drawers of his desk before he pulled out a little box with a bunch of jewelry, grabbing a small hoop. He stood behind you in front of the mirror. “Hold still for me,” he breathed and bend down to push your hair behind your ear before he carefully put the fake piercing in place. For a moment you could swear that time had stopped. You felt his breath fanning over your skin gently and could smell the intoxicating smell of his cologne. You were so close to each other, you were sure that if you turned your head, your noses would brush against each other. But before you could do anything stupid, Johnny pulled back and gently turned your head so you could see the little silver ring. “I think I could put an even smaller one if you wanted,” he said, watching you through the mirror with an intense gaze from his dark eyes. “I’ve never thought about getting a piercing,” you admitted shyly. While you did get your lobes pierced when you were a child, you never thought of it much. “It looks good. Not so much like daddy’s good girl anymore,” the piercer grinned. You almost choked on air when the words left his plush lips, feeling the heat rush to your cheeks.

“How much?” “For you I’ll do it for free, darling,” he grinned, running a hand through his thick dark hair, making his muscles shift beneath his inked skin. While your brain was still short-circuiting from the nickname, Yangyang seemed to be back to 100%, destroying whatever the atmosphere between you and the tattoo artist just was. “Are you really going to say no to a free piercing, dude?” You could just groan and roll your eyes at your best friend. “Stop calling me dude, Yangyang.” “Only if you get that piercing.” “That’s blackmailing.” “Just do it, it won’t even hurt right?” “It’s just a bit of pressure,” Johnny assured you, his lips curled into a smile. “I can always take it out if I don’t end up liking it,” you thought out aloud. “The beauty of temporary body modifications,” Johnny sighed before he stepped in front of you to take the fake piercing off again. With his face so close to yours again, your eyes traveled over the little silver balls beneath his left eye, over his elegant nose down to the black ring in his lower lip and you briefly wondered what it would feel like to kiss him. “So what will it be?” You looked over to your best friend who had put his hoodie back on and nodded his head enthusiastically, making his fluffy hair flop into his eyes. He really needed a haircut.

“Alright, let’s do this,” you decided. “That’s what I like to hear,” Johnny grinned and moved to get his stuff ready. “Need me to hold your hand?” Yangyang grinned when you took his place on the bench. “I wouldn’t want to contaminate you with girl germs,” you teased, sticking your tongue out at him. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind some girl germs if they’re coming from such a pretty girl,” Johnny cut in when he rolled back over on his stool, his glasses pushed back up his nose again. You couldn’t even fight the heat that crept onto your face at his words, he sure could feel it radiating off your cheeks from where his gloved hands were touching your skin. “I’ll do it where I placed the fake one, just with a smaller ring, alright?” He spoke softly when he disinfected your ear. You could just nod, anxiety taking over, making your heart race and skin prickle. When you heard the plastic bag that held the sterile needle rip, you pressed your eyes shut and balled your hands to fists. “Take a deep breath for me, doll,” Johnny mumbled, gently caressing your skin where he had grabbed your face to stabilize you. “In and out.” You shakily did as he asked you, his low voice comforting and calming your anxiety a lot. “Now you breathe in and let me count to three, then you gently release that breath. Can you do that for me, darling?” “Yeah,” you breathed, eyes still closed so you missed the soft smile on Johnny’s face. “Alright, deep breath in. One, two, three,” the pain of the needle piercing through your skin made you clench your fists harder, “And breathe out.” You tried your best to release the breath evenly until the pressure of the needle was just a low thudding. “You’re doing great, darling,” the handsome piercer reassured you, “I’ll just push the ring through and we’re all done here. Take another breath for me.” This time the feeling wasn’t as painful, just a really uncomfortable feeling of pressure. “All done, pretty,” Johnny concluded, clicking the ring closed. “Open your eyes.”

When you did open your eyes again, he held the little hand mirror from before in his still gloved hands so you could see the little ring that sat against your ear now. The skin was a bright red and you could feel your pulse throb around the metal but it actually fit the shape of your ear really nicely. “Thank you,” you smiled at Johnny. “It’s been a pleasure,” he winked before gathering the used needle and tissues to throw them away. “Take good care of it and try to not sleep on that side for a couple of nights and it will be healed in no time.” “Let’s go home, big baby,” Yangyang chirped in, already on his feet to leave the room. “I’m starving.” “There’s a good ramen shop a little up the street, not too expensive either,” Johnny recommended.

“Thanks for the piercings, man,” your best friend thanked the artist when he took you back to the main room. “No big deal,” Johnny shrugged and sat down where Taeyong had sat before, putting his long legs up on the counter. “Well, have a nice day, maybe we’ll come back for more some time,” Yangyang grinned, opening the door to leave the shop. “Oh I’m sure you will,” the artist replied, locking eyes with you before winking. “Take good care of that piercing, doll. You know where you have to come to if you want more.” You nodded shyly before bowing to the man. “Thank you, Johnny.” “I’ll see you again,” it wasn’t a question. Somehow you and him both knew that this wouldn’t be the last time you would step into the shady tattoo shop.

The next time that you found yourself in the shady streets of Itaewon came faster than you had thought. This time you were accompanying Jaemin to his tattoo appointment after Jeno had ditched him because he had to take over a shift at the cat café he worked at. (That poor boy had to take antihistamines before every shift because of his allergies but couldn’t resist the charm of the kittens.)   “You’re a lifesaver seriously,” the hyper boy repeated while jumping up and down excitedly, “Sitting still for hours on end is really so boring if you have no one to talk to.” “Can’t you talk to your artist?” You asked confused. “He threatened to stab me with the tattoo gun the last time when I was trying to talk to him while he worked,” Jaemin pouted. You could only imagine how irritating Jaemin and his moods could be to someone who wasn’t used to him. Ever since he had decided that he wanted to commit to what he had dubbed a soft punk look, he had been going to the shop somewhat regularly to start a collection of tattoos and piercings. It had started a year ago when he first had dyed his hair to a light blue color. Shortly after that he had first gotten his ears and then his nose pierced. The two lip rings in his lower lip were his newest addition as far as piercings went. The tattoos came a little later. After much consideration he had made the decision to start a floral piece on his arm, the center would be a hummingbird, all with black ink for now.

After a little bit of Instagram stalking you had easily identified the intricate flowers that adored Jaemin’s upper arm as Johnny’s work and the thought of seeing the handsome tattoo artist again had made your heart beat faster in your chest. Not that Jaemin needed to know that you weren’t coming with him for his sake but rather because of your desire to see the dark haired flirty man again.   You had been thinking about his dark eyes behind his silver framed glasses and how he scrunched his eyebrows when he was concentrating a lot for the last weeks. (Not that you had replayed the video of him piercing Yangyang an unhealthy amount of times or anything…) Every time you took care of your new piercing it reminded you of how his fingers felt on your skin and how his deep voice had gently guided you through everything. Not to forget how easily the pet names had rolled from his lips. And oh god his lips… His Instagram account featured a good amount of pictures of himself both casual and while working and the way his plush lips would curl into a confident smirk did things to your heart. His latest update had been the actual death of yours though. It had shown the new tattoo he had gotten recently: It was an intricate eagle that spread over his muscled chest, the feathers of the wings blending seamlessly into the other art covering his strong shoulders and biceps. Did you already mention that he was freaking shirtless in the picture? And that he was hiding a seriously ripped body beneath the wide T-Shirt he wore the last time you were at the shop? So to say that your thoughts had started to spiral after seeing that post was a little understated.

You still felt a little uneasy when you followed Jaemin through the backstreets of Itaewon but when the shabby door with the neon green ‘open’ sign came in sight, you felt the feeling disappear, only for it to be replaced with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Jaemin grinned widely when he pushed the door open and his good mood was always infectious, a smile creeping on your lips. This time a new man sat at the counter, lazily rocking back and forth on the chair with his phone in his hand. His hair was dark and hung into his eyes and he wore a dark, long sleeved hoodie, so you couldn’t see if he had as many tattoos as his colleagues but if the tattoos on his hands and neck were any indication, he must be pretty covered as well. You recognized the rose on the back of his hand from one of Johnny’s Instagram posts. When the man looked up, you saw that he didn’t only have tattoos but piercings as well: In his lower lip sat two rings right next to each other, a ring dangled from his nose and two little silver balls sat in the hollows of his dimples that showed when he smiled at Jaemin. “Back for more?” He asked with a deep, rumbling voice and got up to greet Jaemin properly, bumping their shoulders together. “Got an appointment with Johnny for my sleeve,” the blue haired boy replied. “I see the snake bites healed well.” “Done by the best piercer of the shop.” “You know it,” the man laughed, throwing an arm around Jaemin. “Brought your girlfriend?” “I’m just a friend,” you quickly corrected the piercer. (Why couldn’t you just platonically join a friend for his tattoo session?) “Alright, just a friend, I’m Jaehyun. Johnny should be ready by now. You know the way?” Jaemin nodded and pulled you with him to Johnny’s room.

When Jaemin pulled the curtain to the room open, you weren’t prepared for what you were seeing: Johnny was standing in front of the full length mirror with his black button up shirt unbuttoned, applying cream to his still tender looking eagle tattoo on his chest, making his beautiful sunkissed skin glisten. “You’re early, Jaem,” he spoke. “Jaehyun said you were already ready,” the blue haired boy shrugged and plopped down onto the black bench. “Oh you brought company,” Johnny turned around when he spotted you and grinned, “I knew you’d come back, doll. How’s your piercing healing?” You had to summon all your strength to rip your eyes from Johnny’s strong and glistening chest to meet his dark eyes. “It’s fine as far as I know, doesn’t hurt anymore,” you stumbled across your words. Couldn’t he just button his shirt back up? “Let me see.” Before you could protest he had made two big steps and was right in front of you, the intoxicating smell of his perfume filling your senses. He gently tucked your hair back to have a look at the piercing and you swore you could feel electricity buzz beneath your skin where he had touched you. “You took great care of it, darling. Not regretting it yet?” “No, I like it.” I like you. The words had laid on your tongue but you managed to swallow them back down.

“Stop flirting with her, I’m the one paying for your attention,” Jaemin whined from where he was sitting. You of course immediately felt all your blood rush to your head but Johnny just chuckled. “I haven’t seen any cash yet, boy.” The tattoo artist gave you a last wink before turning towards his actual client, buttoning his shirt back up but leaving the last two buttons unbuttoned, letting the head of the eagle just barely poke out. Taking a deep breath you sat down in the worn leather chair while Jaemin handed Johnny a bunch of bills that the taller quickly counted. “Alright, I’m all yours for the next five hours or so,” he grinned, “You saw the drafts I sent you?” Jaemin nodded while he took off his jacket and rolled up the sleeve of his T-Shirt to expose the ink on his arm. It was already beautiful even though it wasn’t even halfway done. The hummingbird was still missing its shading and he hung in the air for now, the flowers and leaves stopping above its head. “Yeah, I’m still not sure about the color though. Can’t we just do more flowers instead?” “Sure but the inner arm and near the elbow is going to hurt like a bitch. So it’s either that or you let me color that hummingbird.” Jaemin groaned dramatically, turning his arm to look into the mirror. “He does look weird just half-finished like that.” “So color it is?” Johnny asked while rolling up the sleeves of his shirt a bit, exposing his own tattoos: A snake like dragon curled around his entire right arm, kept in all black ink. “I really liked that green-blue watercolor thing you sent,” Jaemin supplied when he turned to lie down. “Right, then I’ll do some flowers directly surrounding the bird and color that thing.” He snapped his black gloves on and turned to prepare his machine and the colors.

“Come closer with that stupid chair,” Jaemin whined, making grabby hands at you. After Johnny nodded, you pushed the chair closer with great effort. “Are you going to whine for the whole time?” You groaned but smiled fondly at your friend. “Most likely,” Johnny answered instead of Jaemin and rolled over on his little stool, his silver framed glasses back on his nose and a pen between his lips. “I’ll freehand a bunch of flowers first to make sure they fit around that little guy nicely.” “And I thought you liked putting others in pain,” Jaemin joked when Johnny adjusted a little lamp and began to draw flower after flower. It was really fascinating how quick his hand drew delicate petals and leaves, filling up the space around the hummingbird. “Oh if I put others in pain, they usually like it,” he grinned, his voice dropping an octave. You almost choked on plain air and had to try to mask it as coughing but if the way Johnny’s eyes twinkled was any indication, he had seen right through it and dared to be smug about it. “Wow my third appointment and we’re already talking about kinks?” “Sorry Jaem, not interested,” the artist laughed, “I’m more into cute girls.” He leaned back to examine his drawing, throwing you another quick wink. You barely held in a squeak. He really wasn’t even trying to be subtle about his flirting anymore. “Ready for the big gun?” “Oh dick jokes now, nice,” Jaemin chuckled while you were sure your head was about to explode from how much blood was collecting in there. You covered your hot cheeks with your hands in a hopeless attempt to cool them. “Oh look Johnny, she’s getting shy already.” “I haven’t even started yet, baby.” That was it. This man was going to be the death of you. You really didn’t need to know what it sounded like when he spoke those words that were dripping with honey. “Why did I agree to come with you?” You groaned, hiding your face in your hands. “Because you missed me”, Johnny said at the same time as Jaemin said: “Because you’re a good friend.”

After a beat of silence in which Johnny arranged his actual tattoo gun and Jaemin stared at you while his smile grew bigger and bigger, he asked: “Now which one is it?” “I’m not answering that,” you mumbled from beneath your fingers. “No answer is an answer as well,” Jaemin singsang but luckily the low buzzing of the tattoo machine saved you from any further embarrassment… For now…   “Now hold still or I’ll actually stab you,” Johnny warned before he dipped the needle into black ink and began to trace the lines he had just drawn on with a fine needle. “Yessir,” Jaemin joked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Johnny was unusually quiet while he worked, completely tuning out the chatter of you and Jaemin about shitty professors and assignments. You were absolutely fascinated by the confidence he radiated while dragging the needle over his client’s skin. He went back and forth between two different tattoo guns and rubbed Jaemin’s skin every now and then to get rid of excess ink. Soon Jaemin’s whole upper arm was decorated with delicate flowers and leaves and Johnny leaned back to both take a deep breath while stretching his back and to look at his work. “Let’s take a break before I do the color,” he proposed, wiping down the skin. “It looks great,” you complimented his work, taking a picture for Jaemin so he could see it himself. “Damn that pain really pays off,” your friend grinned, zooming in and out of the picture before posting it to his Instagram. “Does it hurt badly?” “You get used to it,” he shrugged, not taking his eyes from his feed, “It’s more like someone continuously scratching you.” “I can show you if you want,” Johnny chimed in from where he was cleaning his tattoo gun from the black ink. “I don’t think I’m spontaneous enough for a sudden tattoo.” “Not even if I offer it for free again?” He laughed. “I’m not mentally prepared for that,” you tried to reason. “I can still show you how it feels though. Without ink.” You shyly nodded and held out your arm for him that he quickly wiped down with disinfectant when he was done putting a fresh needle into the gun. “Just don’t flinch, darling,” he softly spoke before the buzzing of his tattoo gun filled the silence. You expected it to hurt a lot more when the needle touched your skin but it really wasn’t that bad. It was an odd kind of pain you couldn’t really describe. “It’s not that bad,” you told him, looking into his beautiful brown eyes behind his glasses. “It hurts more when it’s directly on the bone or at a more tender area,” Johnny explained and turned the gun off again, bending down to look at the slightly reddened skin of your arm before chucking the used needle into the nearby trashcan. “Let’s patch that up real quick, just treat it like any other scratch.” You nodded and let the handsome man put a band-aid over it. But before you could pull your arm back again, he leaned down to press a kiss on the cloth “For a good and quick healing,” he breathed and grinned smugly when you quickly turned your head away to hide your heated face.

“When you’re done flirting, will you finally put some color into me?” Jaemin interrupted, grinning widely. “That’s what she said,” you mumbled under your breath, making Johnny chuckle. “All you need to do is ask, darling.” Before you could even wrap your mind around what the tattoo artist had just implied, he had already rolled back over to your blue haired friend to take a look at the hummingbird. “Alright let’s do this,” he grinned before wiping down the skin once more. The buzzing of a new machine filled the room and Jaemin scrunched his eyes shut when the needle dipped in turquoise ink met his skin. “This is nasty,” he complained. “Don’t be a baby,” Johnny murmured, dragging the needle over your friend���s skin that accepted the ink quickly. “You want to hold my hand?” You giggled. What you didn’t expect was for Jaemin to actually reach out to you with his unoccupied arm, making a grabby hand. “Jeno always holds my hand,” he whined. “You’re such a big baby, Nana,” you sighed but still laced your fingers together, yelping loudly when Jaemin squeezed down hard. “You said it didn’t even hurt, you big liar,” you squeezed out between gritted teeth. “You’re not the one getting stabbed,” Jaemin argued, “That shit hurts different than the black.” “It’s a different needle,” Johnny explained, “People usually say it hurts less than outlines though.” “It’s not more or less, it’s just different.” “Well it’s going to hurt more if you keep seizing up like that, relax.” “You’re one to fucking talk,” Jaemin sounded upset. “Don’t curse at me for giving you a pretty tattoo,” Johnny just said, dipping his needle into the little pot that held the color again. “Talk him through it,” the artist said to you, looking up from behind his glasses that had slipped down his nose again.

“Hey, remember that time when Donghyuck was so drunk he wanted to jump from the roof into the pool at that frat house?” You quickly said, the silly story coming to mind first. The memory made Jaemin giggle. “Jeno and Mark had so much trouble holding him back once he managed to climb out of the window,” the blue haired boy chuckled. “They were lucky they didn’t fall off.” “That would have made for an even better story though,” Jaemin laughed. “They could have hurt themselves,” you said, scandalized, “You’re hanging out with Renjun too much.” Jaemin didn’t answer, instead he just hummed and wiggled his dark eyebrows.

“Did you ever go to college?” You asked Johnny out of curiosity even though Jaemin had said that the artist preferred to keep quiet and concentrate on his work. “Do I look like I went?” He just laughed, cocking one of his stupidly perfect eyebrows at you when he looked up. “Well, I didn’t want to assume,” you shied away under his gaze. “I dropped out of high school to learn tattooing,” Johnny shared while painting Jaemin’s skin as blue as his hair, “I wasn’t good in school anyways. So art school or something wasn’t an option either. Not that I would have had any money for that.” “What made you want to pick up tattooing then?” You asked curiously. “Art usually is very temporarily and if you make a mistake, you can just erase it or paint over it with another color. Not so much with tattoos. I like that. It’s immortal as long as you don’t start shooting lasers at it.” “I’ve never thought about it like that,” you confessed. Tattooing had never seemed like art to you but that was exactly what it was. Just not on a canvas but under your skin. “Thinking about getting one now?” Jaemin teased, squeezing your hand that he still held. “I haven’t even told my parents about the piercing,” you scoffed, “They would disown me.” “Well too bad, I know a pretty good tattoo artist,” he joked and poked his tongue out. “Do you now?” Johnny asked, a grin on his lips, wiping down Jaemin’s arm before going in with a lighter color. “Yeah, he works in this shady ass shop in Itaewon and I am pretty sure you can buy drugs there as well.” “Those are not for sale,” the artist chuckled when he saw your scandalized expression. “It’s just anesthetics for certain piercing procedures, calm down doll.” “So sadly, it turns out you can’t buy drugs at their shop but it still looks shady and I’m pretty sure they’re paying part of the mafia so the police won’t come to investigate.” “I know nothing of transactions of this sort,” Johnny commented before you could get an actual heart attack. Illegally tattooing and piercing was one thing but mingling with the mafia was a whole other thing. “Anyways, he does pretty cool tattoos and pierces as well,” Jaemin continued, a grin on his lips, “Also talking male to male here, he’s pretty ripped.” At that Johnny started grinning as well. “Wanna know his name?” Jaemin asked you when Johnny turned to clean his needle and you just rolled your eyes but nodded, wondering what he was getting out of all of this. “It’s Jaehyun.” “Excuse me?” Johnny exclaimed with wide eyes when both you and your blue haired friend started laughed at his stupid joke. “This kid,” he mumbled and shook his head before putting the needle back to Jaemin’s skin who seemed to have forgotten to whine about the pain.

The rest of the appointment was spend with you and Jaemin chatting about this and that and a short video call from a red eyed Jeno who had finished his shift at the cat café and wanted to apologize and promised to buy you two dinner after you were done. “I think that’s all I can do for today,” Johnny said after he had stared at the little hummingbird for a while, “Your skin took the color well but if I do any more, I’ll stress the skin too much. I can go in another time if I need to fix anything.” Jaemin nodded, sitting up so he could inspect the colorful hummingbird in the mirror. “Wow that looks sick,” he commented, his eyes going wide, “Totally worth the pain.” “That’s what I wanna hear,” the artist grinned, grabbing some paper towels to rub the tattoo down once more. “Let me snap a picture to post.”

After both men had taken about 20 photos each, Johnny quickly wrapped Jaemin’s arm in plastic wrap, reminding him how to take care of it. “Text me for the next session, I think we could fit some pretty roses at the bottom. Maybe add a dash of color here and there or other animals,” the artist smiled, slipping the glasses off his nose, gently placing them on the table. “I’ll think about it but first I gotta slave away behind the bar to make more money,” Jaemin sighed, shrugging his jacket back on. “And you darling?” Johnny asked, putting on his confident smile again. “When will I see you again?” You just stared at him, at a loss for an answer. Did he really want to see you again? But before you could even open your mouth, Jaemin had already pulled your phone from your grasp, unlocked it and shoved it towards Johnny. “Put your number in already,” he sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically. Laughing, Johnny did as your friend had said. “Very smooth, Jaem.” “I- I guess I’ll text you,” you stuttered when Johnny gave your phone back, your fingers tingling where his touched yours. “I’ll be waiting, darling,” he winked, raking a hand through his inky strands. “Alright, time to leave, before you start drooling,” Jaemin destroyed the intense atmosphere and grabbed your arm to pull you back to the main room and out of the parlor, leaving a laughing Johnny behind in his room.

“I wasn’t even drooling, what the fuck Jaemin,” you argued when you were outside, your phone clutched to your chest. “Stop complaining, I got you his number, you should be thankful,” he just grinned, absolutely shameless, tugging you along through the little street. “I will not thank you for embarrassing me in front of him,” you pouted, unlocking your phone to confirm that Johnny had indeed put his number into the contacts with a little black heart behind his name.

“Is it too early to text him?” You asked when you and Jaemin sat in the subway on the way to his and Jeno’s dorm to take him up on his offer for food. Your friend just laughed at you, making an elderly man scowl at the two of you, who shook his head in disapproval. Well, Jaemin’s visuals didn’t help him when he acted like this in public. But as long as he didn’t care, you wouldn’t care either. “Text him after we’ve eaten,” he advised you. “Then you don’t seem as desperate as you are,” he added, which earned him a punch to his not tattooed arm.

All through dinner, Jaemin retold every embarrassing moment that happened at the tattoo parlor, making Jeno laugh so hard that he almost choked on his rice. You really needed to find new friends. These ones were just harassing you at this point. (Aside from the fact that Jaemin had indeed managed to get you Johnny’s number, you’d thank him later when he couldn’t make fun at you.)

Later that night, you laid in bed in your own dorm room, staring at the screen of your phone. Your fingers were hovering over the keyboard but you really couldn’t think of what you should text Johnny. You didn’t want to seem weird. With how confident he was, he probably did this a lot and you were too proud to make a fool of yourself. Groaning you tossed and turned in your bed for a while, still staring at the empty chat box that by now must be mocking you for your cowardice. Sighing you typed out another short message to immediately delete it again. Should you just send him a simple ‘Hi’ or ask him if he had eaten? How the rest of his day went? In moments like this you whished you were more confident in yourself.

The sound of an incoming message suddenly filled the room and made you jerk. When you saw Johnny’s name on the screen, your heart first stopped for a second before it started beating about three times as fast as it should. How did that happen? With shaking hands you unlocked the phone to see that you in fact didn’t delete the last message but accidentally send it. Luckily it wasn’t as embarrassing as it could have been and Johnny had just answered that he was glad that you had finally texted him. Before you could think of an answer he sent another text asking you why you were still awake this late when he expected you to be a ‘good girl’. You could practically hear his smirk and you couldn’t fight the heat that rose to your cheeks. You replied that you were already in bed and were about to sleep if he was concerned about your sleep pattern that honestly wasn’t the greatest ever since the semester had started. ‘Oh, sexting already’ he replied, making you shriek in embarrassment. Was this what your message had looked like? ‘You alone?’ He asked and with a furiously beating heart you answered with a simple yes.

A couple of seconds went by with no answer from him which definitely didn’t lower your anxiety before the loud sound of your ringtone tore through the silence, Johnny’s name on the display. You quickly answered it to not wake up anyone on your floor, pressing it tightly to your ear. “Hello?” “Good evening, miss,” you heard the rumble of Johnny’s voice, “Missed me already?” “You’re the one who called,” you argued, making the man on the other end of the line giggle. “That is true.” “Why did you call?” You asked curiously, shifting to lie down on your back, staring at the ceiling. “Just wanted some company. My last client just left and I’m cleaning up the shop for today, the others already left,” he explained. “Jaehyun and Taeyong?” “Yeah those two guys,” he sighed and you heard him rummaging in the background. “Is it just you three at the shop?” “Yeah, it was just me and Taeyong at first but Jaehyun is an incredibly quick learner once he had found someone who was willing to teach him a thing or two. So he quickly joined the two of us.” You just hummed, your fingers playing with your hair, unsure of what to say. It was somehow easier to talk to him like this when you couldn’t see his eyes twinkle in mischief or his lips curling up in that confident smirk. Like this he was just a boy who wanted company and not an insanely handsome, heavily tattooed man who flirted shamelessly. “Do you usually work this late?” You asked to fill the silence and out of curiosity as well. If the shop wasn’t legal there sure weren’t any laws regulating how long the artists were supposed to work. “I don’t,” Johnny laughed, “But thank you for your concern. I was just tattooing a friend for free after my last paying client left because he was in the area.” “You do that a lot? Offering up your services for free?” “Just for friends and special people, doll,” he chuckled, “Why? Are you considering getting inked after all?”

Well were you? You didn’t even know at this point. Whenever you had thought of tattoos you had only ever thought about big bold and very black lines, of skulls, names of exes on your skin forever and warped pictures of people’s faces. But never of delicate flowers, bright colors and intricate designs. Johnny had made it obvious that it was art that he was doing and that it wasn’t just some technical procedure to get color beneath your skin. “I- I don’t know,” you confessed, “I never thought much about tattoos until Jaemin started getting them.” “I thought so,” the artist chuckled, “But I bet I could design a pretty piece that would compliment you nicely.” “I don’t think I’m the type for it though,” you argued, thinking about the amount of ink on Johnny’s body and you hadn’t even seen half of it. (Not that you planned on doing so but you were curious to know if there was more hiding beneath his clothes.) “It doesn’t have to be an obvious one. Just something only you know about.” That really got you thinking. His tattoos were really delicate and you had seen that he could write in really pretty cursive. “I don’t want to pressure you into anything, darling. But if you ever want one, you know who to ask.”

“Yeah, thank you Johnny,” you murmured, lost in thought about how you would look like with multiple tattoos. “I like the way you say my name.” “You- what?” You stuttered when he caught you off guard like that, making him laugh. “You’re cute,” he said once he had calmed down. “Stop pouting,” he added when you weren’t answering. “How did you know I was?” Johnny chuckled again. “I just knew.” “Thank you for keeping me company,” he said when you hadn’t said anything in a while. “It’s alright. I like talking to you,” you confessed. You could hear a door closing and his deep chuckle on the other end of the line. “You probably hear that a lot…” you murmured, embarrassed at how the words had slipped past your lips. “I actually don’t,” Johnny said, “I appreciate the words, darling. I’m all done cleaning up now, thank you for keeping me company.” “It’s fine, no need to thank me.” “You should go sleep now, it’s already late. Sweet dreams, doll. Maybe I’ll even visit you.” “Goodnight, Johnny,” you squeaked. The last thing you heard before he ended the call was another chuckle and a hushed goodbye. Smiling widely you turned your face into your pillow to muffle the scream you let out. How could this man make your heart beat faster like that with just a few simple words? And why did this short phone call make you so happy? Sighing, you put your phone to your nightstand and cuddled tightly into your blanket, the thought of Johnny’s smooth voice guiding you to sleep where he indeed did visit you.

After that initial phone call, Johnny called you more and more often. Sometimes when he was on his lunch break and his colleagues were still working, sometimes later at night when your head was spinning from studying and he was cleaning up the shop. You two talked about your days, you complained about professors, deadlines and assignments and he told you about tattooing and his sometimes crazy clients. And every now and then Johnny would bring up his offer to tattoo you. Which made your thoughts spiral every single time. In class you would scroll through Johnny’s Instagram account, imagining what some of the intricate, more feminine designs would look like on your skin. After much consideration you definitely ruled out anything big or colorful. But something small wouldn’t hurt, right? Well it would, you would be giving him permission to stab you with an automated needle a bunch of times which in itself sounded really scary. But Jaemin’s tattoo looked nice. And after his skin had peeled, the hummingbird truly looked absolutely incredible and you couldn’t wait for him to visit the shop again to keep working on the sleeve.

So in a whim of bravery and with the help of the little glass of wine you had drank you told Johnny that he should tattoo you. “Are you for real?” He asked. “I am,” you giggled, “I’ve thought about it a lot the past weeks.” “I am honored, darling. What will it be?” “Something small and no colors please,” you told him. “That’s all you’re asking for?” “Yeah, I… I like the simple black stuff you do,” you stuttered, suddenly really nervous and unsure if this was actually a good idea. “I’ll design something that’ll match you perfectly,” Johnny promised, sounding very eager. You could hear some rummaging on his end of the line. “I could fit you in Friday evening after my last client. It won’t be too late and I need some time to come up with a design that’s worthy of being in your body.” You swallowed dryly. If you said yes, you couldn’t back out anymore. You would be getting inked. Secretly. Without telling anyone. Not to mention illegally. In a reasonably shady shop that was owned by the most gorgeous man you had ever met. Taking a deep breath, you nodded before you realized that he couldn’t see that. “I’ll be there,” you promised. “I’m looking forward to it, doll,” Johnny said before he wished you sweet dreams just like every time when he called you late at night.

The neon light in front of the door to the shop was already shut off when you arrived the next Friday late in the evening but the door gave away when you pushed it open with trembling hands after taking a deep breath. “I thought you weren’t going to come, darling, you left me waiting,” Johnny greeted you, jumping down from the counter he had sat on. He was wearing a simple black t-shirt with a little white rose design over his heart that fit him perfectly. His hair was elegantly swept back, exposing the freshly shaved part on the side. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled, fumbling with the sleeves of your hoodie. “Don’t be nervous, I’ll take good care of you,” he promised, quickly locking the front door before taking you to his room where he motioned for you to sit on the bench. “Do you trust me?” He asked, tipping your head up so you would look into his dark eyes. “I- I think I do,” you stuttered. “I won’t tell you what you’re getting,” Johnny grinned and your eyes widened in shock. “You will like it and it’s not that big.” “I’m not sure, Johnny,” you voiced your concerns but he just pressed his index finger to your lips before you could say any more. Your breath hitched and he could definitely feel your shaky exhale against his finger. “You said you trust me, doll.” Taking another shaky breath, you nodded and a smile spread over his plush lips. “I need you to take off your shirt and lie down on your left side,” he spoke, his voice casual but you could feel something shift in the air between you. At a loss for words you just nodded again and did as Johnny asked when he turned around to gather his stuff.

“Take a couple of deep breaths for me, darling,” he instructed you when he rolled over on his little stool, his glasses sitting low on his nose and his hands already gloved. “It’s going on your ribs,” he told you so you wouldn’t flinch when he quickly dragged a razor over the area before disinfecting it. “I’ll draw a quick sketch first. I don’t want to mess it up when it’s going on your beautiful skin.”  You felt the tip of his pen meet your skin in a gentle stroke, tickling your skin so you had to giggle. “Don’t make me mess this up, baby,” Johnny scolded, playfully slapping your back. “It tickles,” you pouted. “I’m trying to be gentle with you,” he said and you could hear the smile in his voice. While he was sketching, you closed your eyes, trying to figure out what he was drawing. But all you could figure out was that it was something rather small which calmed your nerves a bit.

“All done,” the tattoo artist announced after a while and quickly pulled his little side table with his tattoo gun and ink closer. When the low buzzing noise filled the air, you pressed your eyes shut even tighter, balling your hands into fists. Technically you knew it wouldn’t hurt badly, Johnny had shown you before. But you were still getting stabbed a bunch of times and fuck, you were really doing this. Letting this man put something on your body that was going to be there forever and you didn’t even know what it was going to be. “Relax, darling. I’ll be as gentle as I can be,” he promised, running a hand up and down your back. “It’s going to be on me forever,” you said. “It is. Your own personal piece of art on your body. Just for you to have.” That was a beautiful way to see it, you thought. It’s not just some pigment stabbed into your skin but art. Something unique no one else had. And Johnny would be painting it on just you for you and you alone. “Okay, let’s do this,” you breathed. “That’s my good girl,” Johnny praised and the words made your stomach twist with a feeling you didn’t want to further explore.

The pain was bearable. It was weird at first and the ribs sure hurt more than it had on your arm and the bones somehow seemed to amplify the buzzing, making it travel through your body. You had to grit your teeth when Johnny went over what seemed to be the middle part of the tattoo, where he grazed the skin in quick successions. “That hurts.” “I know, baby. But you’re almost done. You’re doing so well for me,” he soothed and gave you a small break to breathe before he went back in.

“All done, darling,” Johnny announced a little later, turning off his machine and rubbing the tattoo down with a wet paper towel. “Can I see it now?” You asked. “In a bit, keep your eyes closed,” he spoke softly and took your hands in his now ungloved ones to first guide you into a sitting position and then off the bench and over to what you assumed to be the mirror. He turned you so your side was facing the glass and put one of his big hands on your waist. It felt hot on your exposed skin and made goosebumps break out on your skin. “Open your eyes, doll.” You did and looked directly into his dark chocolate brown eyes behind his glasses. “I’m too scared to look now, is that silly?” You asked, losing yourself in his eyes and leaning towards his body that just seemed to radiate heat. “It’s beautiful, just like you,” he assured you, squeezing your waist reassuringly. After taking a deep breath, you tore your gaze away from him and turned to look at yourself in the mirror where a delicate, black chrysanthemum was awaiting you on the skin over your ribs. It indeed looked beautiful, absolutely stunning. It was small but looked so delicate and realistic and fit well with the curves of your body. “It’s stunning,” you whispered.

“Thank you, Johnny.” “No need to thank me, darling,” he chuckled and when your eyes met again, his were dark and almost hungry. “But I think I should reward you for being so good while I tattooed you.” Before you could ask what kind of reward he was talking about, he had already connected your lips in a passionate kiss and pulled your body flush against his. You couldn’t help but sigh now that you finally knew what the metal of his lip piercing felt like against your lips. Johnny was a good kisser and you were boneless in his strong grip not long after he had slipped his tongue past your lips after you had moaned into the kiss when he had started to push you backwards to the bench again, hoisting you back up. “Let me make up for the pain I’ve caused you,” he breathed against your swollen lips when you broke apart to breathe.   “Just keep kissing me like that,” you demanded, burying your hands in his soft black locks to kiss him again. He chuckled and let you dominate the kiss for a while, toying with the black ring in his lip and exploring his mouth. Meanwhile Johnny’s hands started to wander from their place on your waist down to grope at your ass, pulling you forward against him, so you could feel his growing erection between your legs which made a spark of arousal shoot through you.

“Let me make you feel good, baby,” he breathed heavily while kissing down your neck, gently taking the skin between his teeth. “Please Johnny,” you begged, feeling the arousal simmer low in your stomach. Grinning he pulled back and raked his dark eyes over your figure before making quick work of your belt and sliding your jeans along with your panties from your legs, only shortly struggling with your shoes. “It’s not Johnny now, baby,” he rasped when he kneeled down in front of you, pulling you towards him roughly, so your glistening core was exposed to him. “It’s Daddy,” he added before licking a broad stripe through your folds and flicking his tongue at your clit. You could just mewl and throw your head back in pleasure. You didn’t know that this would be such a turn on for you. “Say it, baby,” Johnny demanded, lazily dragging his tongue over your sensitive bundle of nerves. “Please Daddy,” you whimpered and you could feel his low groan vibrating against your core. He wasted no time to attach his plush lips to your clit, gently sucking and grazing his teeth over the little nub, making you mewl and shiver in pleasure. He definitely knew what he was doing, altering between stimulating your clit to the point where it almost became too much before he focused on dragging his tongue through your folds, gently prodding against your entrance before it gave away. When Johnny moaned you could feel it travel straight through you, making your head swim with pleasure. Looking down to the man kneeling in front of you, you were met with his dark eyes, staring straight up into yours. Moaning, you threaded your fingers into his soft hair and pressed his face closer to your core, not even taking the chance that he could move back. “Feels so good, Daddy,” you moaned when he spread your labia with his fingers so his tongue could dive deeper into you, stimulating your velvety walls. When he hummed it send sweet vibrations through your core and you could feel your orgasm approach almost embarrassingly fast. “Mmmh, so close Daddy.” “You wanna cum, baby?” He rasped, his hot breath fanning over your clit that he was lazily rubbing with two fingers. You bit your lip and met his dark eyes, nodding furiously. “Then beg for it, doll. I could stay here for hours,” Johnny spoke before he turned his head to mouth at your thigh, gently biting and sucking at the sensitive skin until it bruised under his ministrations. “I would just keep you right on the edge for hours until you’re a shaking mess for me, begging for release.” His lips split into a wicked grin when he saw how his dirty words affected you and he slowed his fingers on your clit until it was just enough to keep you stimulated but not enough to make the knot in your stomach snap. “Please Daddy,” you whimpered. “Please what baby?” He rested his head on your thigh, looking up at you from innocent eyes as if he wasn’t driving you insane with just his fingers. “What is it beautiful?” He repeated the question, replacing his fingers with his tongue. “You wanna cum?” “Yes please,” you whined, grinding your hips against his tongue to get more friction. “Well if you ask so nicely…” Johnny immediately slipped two fingers inside you with almost no resistance from how ridiculously wet you were and began pumping them in and out of your core fast, crooking them to search for your sweet spot. “Come on baby,” he growled, locking eyes with you again when he closed his lips around your clit. Almost screaming his name, you came hard when his fingers finally found your sweet spot, rubbing at it mercilessly to help you ride out your orgasm. Your thighs were shaking and you fell back onto the bench, the leather sticking to your back where you just laid for a while, your head spinning, breathing heavily.

“You look gorgeous like that,” Johnny complimented you, when he got back up from the floor, raking his clean hand through the mess that was his hair before he shamelessly took his fingers that were covered in your essence into his mouth, sucking them clean. Through half lidded eyes you could see the way he was still straining against the fabric of his jeans and the sight made your mouth water. “You’re still hard,” you said breathless.   “I am,” he said matter of factly. You wordlessly let your thighs fall open for him, exposing your core to him. “Oh baby,” Johnny cursed, pressing the heel of his palm against his bulge, “As much as I want to fuck you right now, you still have a fresh tattoo, doll.” “Please, Johnny, I want it,” you begged. “Shh, baby,” he soothed you rubbing a hand over your thigh, “Let me dress that tattoo and then I’ll take you upstairs to fuck you on an actual bed like you deserve.” You nodded, amazed by his amount of self-control.

Johnny worked quickly and efficiently: Cleaning your tattoo one last time before putting some ointment on it to keep it moisturized. At last he gently taped down a small sheet of plastic foil to keep it safe. “All done, beautiful,” he spoke before pecking your lips, “You still want to come upstairs with me?” “Yes Daddy,” you answered and you swore you could see his eyes darken just from the word alone. “Hold on tightly,” he ordered before scooping you up into his arms, holding you up by your thighs. Squealing you quickly wrapped your arms and legs around him, holding on tightly. “I’ll get your clothes before we open up tomorrow,” he mumbled when he carried you through the back door of the shop that lead to a dusty staircase. You pressed your body closer to his, nuzzling your face into his neck where the smell of his cologne was the strongest, to have some of his warmth seep into your skin when you started to shiver from the cold air. Lazily you let your lips travel over his skin, sucking a mark next to a splash of ink.

Johnny quickly grabbed the keys to his apartment’s door from atop of the doorframe (not really safe) and unlocked his door while holding you up with just one of his arms, the display of strength making your head spin. With quick steps he crossed the way to his bed and gently laid you down on the soft sheets, immediately crawling on top of you, crowding you against the mattress. “I knew you would look good in my bed,” he rasped, kissing your neck while his hands made quick work of the bra that you were still wearing for some reason. “You’re gorgeous, doll,” he breathed after he had sat up on his knees, looking down at you with dark eyes, his big hands roaming your body. Feeling shy under all the attention and compliments he was giving you, you tried to hide your face behind your fingers but he wasn’t having any of it, quickly grabbing your wrists in one hand to pin them above your head. “Don’t hide from me baby. Daddy wants to see how much you’re enjoying yourself.” You could just nod, trying to force down the whimper that almost spilled past your lips, he hadn’t even done much yet and you were already feeling arousal pulse through your veins. “I couldn’t hear your answer,” Johnny teased, gently grabbing one of your boobs to massage the soft flesh. “Yes, Daddy.” “That’s my good girl,” he grinned, releasing your wrists to slip his T-Shirt over his head, revealing his strong chest where the eagle majestically spread its wings and the hard lines of his abs. “Like what you see?” He asked smugly, climbing off the bed to unbuckle his belt and slip his jeans off his narrow hips, revealing strong, muscled thighs. One of them was covered with the face of a growling panther while the other was decorated with a colorful koifish tattoo that disappeared beneath the fabric of his dark boxers that were doing very little to hide a prominent bulge. “Let me,” you breathed and crawled over to hook your thumbs into the waistband. But before you pulled them down, you pressed a couple of kisses to the cherry blossom branch tattoo that seemed to stretch from his back over his hipbone and further down, mingling with the koi tattoo further down. With every centimeter of skin you exposed, more ink from the blossoms became visible and you kissed every single one of the delicate flowers. When his length finally sprang free, you had to swallow dryly: His cock was huge and hung heavy between his legs. Licking your lips you looked up to him, to find him grinning down at you. “Go to town, baby.”

He didn’t need to tell you twice, you were itching to feel his heavy weight on your tongue. You pressed a sweet kiss to his tip before placing a hand at the base only to find him surprisingly soft as you experimentally pumped your hand once. “It takes a while for it to get fully hard,” he groaned when you moved your hand up and down his shaft a couple of times, feeling it pulse beneath your fingers. Damn if he wasn’t even fully hard, how big would he be if he was? Holding him at the base, you licked a broad stripe up the whole length before you swiped your tongue around the pink head, pulling another groan from Johnny’s lips. Taking a deep breath, you finally took him in your mouth and hollowed your cheeks, tasting his skin. The weight on your tongue felt just right and you couldn’t help but moan as you slowly started to take more and more of him until you felt him hit the back of your throat. Shit, you were barely able to fit half of his length in your mouth like this. “You’re so big,” you moaned when you pulled off of him with a wet pop, spreading your saliva down the shaft with both of your hands. Johnny just hummed and grabbed a handful of your hair to shove your mouth back onto his dick. He cursed when the velvety heat surrounded him again and gently began to thrust in and out your mouth. “Fuck you look so good with my cock in your mouth,” he breathed heavily. You could only moan where your lips were stretched around his length and hollow your cheeks when he pulled out, the grip he had on your hair keeping you in place while he snapped his hips. “Shit baby,” Johnny cursed when he pulled out, panting while he rested the head of his cock on your outstretched tongue. “I could cum like this.” You whined pathetically, looking up at him with pleading eyes. He chuckled and gently slapped his cock against your lips, smearing them with precum. “But you don’t want that, don’t you, baby? You want my cock inside you? Stretching you out?” “Yes Daddy, please. I need it so bad,” you blabbered, not even knowing where those words were coming from but you seemed to have said the right thing with how Johnny’s dick twitched in his hand.

“Then get on your hands and knees for me, baby. Ass up.” It was almost comically how fast you complied, baring yourself to him. “Such a good girl,” he praised, grabbing your asscheeks to knead and pull them apart. “Beautiful.” “Please Daddy,” you begged him, arching your back further. “Patience baby,” he chuckled. A frustrated groan got stuck in your throat and turned into a drawn out whine when he pushed two of his fingers inside you, pumping them quickly and curling them to find your sweet spot again. Soon two fingers became three and he had reduced you to a moaning mess with how he abused your sweet spot once he had found it again. “You think you’re ready for my cock, baby?” “Yes. Oh god, yes please,” you begged while shamelessly grinding back on his fingers that he had stilled inside of you. “Spread your cheeks for me,” he ordered while quickly grabbing a condom from his bedside table and rolling it onto his cock. Balancing your weight on your knees and shoulders, you reached around yourself to pull your asscheeks apart so Johnny could see your core clenching around nothing. “You’re such a good girl for me,” he rasped, running his palm along the curve of your body while lazily thrusting his cock through your folds, making it glisten with your essence. Finally you could feel him nudging at your entrance with the thick head of his cock. “You want it, baby?” “Yes please Daddy,” you gasped, trying hard to be good and not grind back against him. “You’re such a good girl for me,” he chuckled, “And good girls get what they want if they ask so politely.” With that he finally sank into you in one agonizingly slow thrust until you could feel his hip bones press against your skin. You had to screw your eyes shut and bite your lip to suppress a whimper. You had never felt so full before.

“Fuck baby, you’re so tight,” Johnny groaned, grabbing you by the dip of your waist with his big hands, grinding you on his cock. “I’m so full, Daddy,” you gasped when he slowly pulled out until only the head of his cock was inside you before he languidly thrust back in. “Yeah? You like that? Being stuffed full of my cock?” You could only moan and nod where your head was pressed into the sheets. His cock was so big that it seemed to press against every good spot that was inside you, setting your nerve endings on fire, the pain from being stretched like that only adding to your pleasure. “You‘re sucking me right back in baby,” he cursed and gripped your waist harder, pulling you back on his cock as he picked up the pace, low groans falling from his lips. Your moans got progressively louder and louder the faster Johnny snapped his hips. “Hands behind your back, baby,” he ordered panting and immediately grabbed both your wrists in his hands to use them as leverage so he could fuck into you faster, the change of angle and pace making you moan his name. Your head was swimming with pleasure and you could only moan and mewl beneath him, imagining how he would bite his lip while watching his dick disappear inside you over and over again, stretching out the delicate skin of your sex. “God baby, your ass looks amazing,” Johnny groaned, praise after praise falling from his lips that reduced you to a moaning mess.

With one particularly hard thrust he buried himself to the hilt inside you and draped his body over yours, his hot breath fanning over your face when he spoke, a deep rumble in his chest while grinding his dick right against your sweet spot that had you seeing colors behind your closed eyes. “Wanna see you bounce on my dick, doll. Can you do that for me?” Taking a deep breath, you nodded. Your ability to form coherent sentences had left you as soon as he had begun to fuck you in earnest. “You’re such a good girl,” he purred and gently pulled out, making you whimper from the loss. You felt the bed dip next to you and when you opened your eyes, you were met with Johnny’s pleased smirk as he leaned against the headboard of the bed, his cock resting against his hip, too heavy to properly stand up and you couldn’t stop another whimper. “Come on baby, I know you want it,” he grinned, crooking a finger in a ‘come closer’ motion. Dragging your limbs from beneath you with great effort, you climbed onto his lap, immediately claiming his lips in a messy kiss. You buried your hands in his stupidly perfect hair to mess it up and tug at the inky strands, causing Johnny to moan into the kiss. “Hmm, my baby is feisty,” he chuckled when he broke the kiss, the pupils of his dark eyes blown so wide that they seemed almost black. “But you promised me to ride my dick,” he reminded you. “And I’m gonna,” you slurred, reaching between your bodies to grab his cock, giving it a couple of strokes. “But turn around for me baby. Wanna see how much my fat cock is going to stretch you out,” he rasped, playfully biting your lips. “But I want to see you too,” you complained. “Oh you can,” he grinned and pointed over your shoulder. You reluctantly turned around before you saw what he meant. Right across from the bed was a big mirror and you gasped because of how fucked out you already looked. A couple of tears had rolled down your cheeks and messed up your makeup and your lipstick was smeared around your lips.

You carefully grabbed Johnny’s cock again and held it steady so you could sink down on him, watching yourself in the mirror until you sat snug on his lap and had to close your eyes because the feeling was so overwhelming. He felt even bigger like that. “You okay, baby?” He asked, grabbing your hips tightly to help you swivel them on his cock, making it press into your walls just how you liked it. “How does your cock feel even bigger like this?” You gasped as you leaned forward and slowly started to ride him at first to get used to his size and figure out the best angle for you. Your legs shook with the effort to keep your rhythm but the look Johnny had on his face, his eyes glued to where you two were connected, made it worth it. Suddenly a wicked grin spread on his lips and he snapped his hips up when you lowered yourself again, tearing loud moans from both of you. “Fuck, do that again,” you demanded when you raised your hips again. “What’s the magic word?” Johnny teased, holding you up so you wouldn’t drop down again. “Please, Daddy.” Groaning he started to snap his hips up every time you ground down on him, making your skin slap together with an obscene noise.

God you wanted to die on his dick. “Do you now?” Johnny laughed. Shit did you say that out loud? “Want to feel how deep it goes inside you?” He rasped, wrapping his strong arms around your waist. You went lax in his hold and mewled helplessly. Who knew that a little display of strength and a big dick were such turn ons for you that your brain was reduced to mush. Grinning he carefully pulled you up and against his chest and draped your legs over his after he had planted his feet firmly onto the mattress. “Watch, baby,” he ordered as he lifted you off of him until only the tip was barely inside you anymore before letting you drop down again. You mewled and thrashed in his hold, the feeling just on the edge of too much. Feeling him deep inside you was one thing but actually seeing it was a whole other thing and it messed with your head. Curiously you pressed your hand down on your lower stomach when Johnny had started to piston his hips up into you instead of dropping you down onto his cock every time and you swore you could feel him move inside you. A drawn out curse left your lips and you threw your head back onto his shoulder.

With the way he was snapping his hips up you could feel your orgasm approach at lightning speed and you were so far gone that you shamelessly reached between your legs to stimulate your clit. “Fuck baby, you’re so hot like this,” Johnny groaned, grinding his dick inside you as you quickly rubbed your clit, toeing right on the edge. “Please Daddy,” you cried out, not sure what you were even begging for. “You gonna cum on my cock?” He rasped, snapping his hips harshly, “Wrapped around my big cock stretching you out like this?” You nodded your head furiously, your eyes screwed shut. You were so close that you could already feel your toes curling. “Show me baby. Show Daddy how good his cock makes you feel.” That’s what pushed you over the edge, the way he was panting in your ear, his voice strained from how he was drilling into you. The coil in your stomach snapped and you almost screamed his name, your body curling inwards and thighs shivering as your orgasm washed over you, making a bunch of colors explode behind your lids. In the back of your mind you registered Johnny’s curses and how he was grinding his cock inside you to help you ride out your orgasm. “Such a good girl,” he praised when your body went lax on top of him, your chest heaving with heavy breaths. You briefly wondered if you had ever cum this hard and you couldn’t think of any other time. “Thank you Daddy,” you panted, turning your face to press a messy kiss to his plush lips that were bitten raw. He chuckled lowly when you whimpered when his still hard cock shifted when you tried to turn around.

“Will you let me fuck you for a little longer, baby?” He asked, running a hand through your sweaty hair. Instead of answering him, you lifted yourself off his dick to turn around on his lap, capturing his lips again. “Want you to ruin me,” you whispered between kisses, “Want you to ruin me for any other men. Want to only remember how you feel inside of me.” Johnny growled deep in his chest before he pushed you down onto the bed, hungrily licking into your mouth. “You’re the one who is ruining me,” he panted, rising to his knees. He quickly grabbed your legs and threw them over his shoulders before he sank into you again with a low groan. This time he didn’t waste any time with building up the pace and immediately snapped his hips harshly, chasing his own orgasm. “You’re taking me so well, baby,” he panted, folding your thighs to your chest so he could push into you even deeper, making you see stars with how he was nailing your sweet spot with the new angle. And even though you had just cum, you felt another orgasm build inside your stomach. A row of curses left Johnny’s lips when he could watch his dick slide in and out of you again and he gripped your thighs so hard you were sure you’d have bruises there tomorrow. But that was something you’d worry about later, right now your world was only made up of the handsome man with his huge cock that was currently rearranging your guts with how vigorously he was snapping his hips, making your skin slap together with lewd sounds.

“I’m gonna cum baby,” Johnny grunted, his hips losing their rhythm. “On me,” you managed to choke out, still lost in your own pleasure. Another groan left his bitten lips before he quickly pulled out and ripped the condom off, jerking his cock with quick strokes, his eyes fixed to yours. All it took was a couple of jerks before he threw his head back and you could see his abdominal muscles contract before the first burst of white hot cum spurted from his dick and covered your chest and stomach. With parted lips he stroked himself through his orgasm, milking rope after rope from his cock until he hissed with overstimulation. “Fuck,” he cursed before giggling when he saw the mess he had made of you, his cum dripping from your boobs and running down your stomach. He cursed again before claiming your lips. “You want to cum one last time, baby?” “Please Daddy,” you whined, spreading your legs further for him. “My good girl,” he sighed, sinking two fingers into your heat, quickly crooking them to stimulate your sweet spot while his thumb was putting sweet pressure on your clit, making you thrash beneath him. “You look so good covered in my cum,” he rasped before he kissed you harshly to swallow your moans and cries of pleasure. You desperately held on to his shoulders, breaking the kiss when your head was spinning from the lack of oxygen. While speeding up his fingers, Johnny began sucking bruises low on your neck and over the soft skin of your cleavage. “Shit, I’m gonna-“ you didn’t get to finish your sentence because right that moment he had sucked one of your nipples into his mouth which was just enough to send you over the edge for a third time that night, your lips parted in a silent scream of his name and your thighs shaking and closing around the handsome man kneeling between them. “That’s my good girl,” he praised breathily and gently rocked his fingers to help you ride out your orgasm before he pulled them out, instead winding his strong arms around your body, holding you to his inked chest.

For a while he just held you close, not caring that his cum was now also stuck to his chest. “Fuck that was a lot,” you chuckled, burying your face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his calming scent. “Not what you thought would happen when you get a free tattoo?” Johnny softly spoke, carding his hand through your messy hair. “Not at all.” Another question was burning inside your head but you were too scared to ask it. You didn’t want to push him and ruin the mood. “I should clean you up and see if that tattoo is still okay. Then we can cuddle, alright?” The tattoo artist said before he detangled your bodies from one another to get up from the bed. He looked around on the floor for a cloth and you could finally see where the cherry blossoms on his hip were coming from. A big samurai was stretched over half his back, surrounded by the pinkish blossoms. It seemed like it wasn’t a complete piece yet, the samurai staring at the still untouched skin of Johnny’s left shoulderblade. “Your back tattoo is really pretty,” you mumbled to fill the silence while Johnny was wiping his chest clean before he gently did the same to you, taking extra caution when looking at your still fresh tattoo. “Thank you,” he smiled, pressing a kiss to your forehead, the metal of his piercing feeling warm on your skin, “We should change that foil real quick.” You just nodded and let him do his work, exhaustion settling into your bones.

“Do you do this with all your clients?” Shit. You hadn’t meant to ask that, the question had just slipped your lips and you could feel Johnny freeze where he was dressing your tattoo again before he secured the last piece of tape. He sighed and slipped beneath the covers, pulling you against his chest, so you could listen to his heartbeat. “Not all of them,” he answered eventually, “I haven’t slept with a client in a while. It happens sometimes but usually I don’t think much about it.” “And now you do?” He just hummed nonchalantly, playing with your hair. “They usually don’t come back after I fuck them.” He paused, holding his breath. “Will you come back?” Your heart started to race and you could feel a bright smile spreading over your lips. “For more free tattoos and piercings?” “Oh, yeah, I guess,” he sounded so deflated, the confident tattoo artist suddenly gone. “You idiot,” you giggled, pillowing your head on his sternum so he could see the smile on your lips, “I like you Johnny. I’ll come back if you want me to.” Now he was also smiling, his features softening. “Don’t make jokes like that, my heart is fragile,” he joked, wrapping you up in his strong arms.  

“Which one was your first one?” You asked him when the silence between you stretched while you traced the scales of the dragon that wound around his arm. “My first tattoo?” Johnny shifted around for a while before he showed you his other arm that had all kinds of different designs on it, some in bright colors, some strictly black. “That little guy over here,” he said with a smile on his lips and pointed to a little sunflower at the bend of his elbow, “To remind me to always look at the sun, at the bright side of life.” “It’s cute,” you breathed, touching the yellow petals. “And then it went downhill from there,” he chuckled, “It’s addicting.” “Let’s hope I can stay abstinent.” “What a shame, I’d love to cover you in my art,” Johnny confessed, tilting your face up so he could claim your lips in a kiss. “Maybe one or two more,” you breathed in between kisses, making him chuckle against your lips.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

If I Fell For You (Part 3) - A Moment

Summary: Jensen is away from home for a few days but isn’t having the easiest time being away from the kids for the first time since the accident. When he returns home, he has a gala to attend on Saturday night but a kiss on the cheek and slip of the tongue will snowball into the reader and Jensen sharing a moment...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 6,100ish

Warnings: language, death of a spouse, death of a parent, anxiety, self-worth problems, referenced past harassment

A/N: I love this part so much for so many reasons. Please enjoy!

________

“Hi Jensen,” you asked Monday night when your phone rang. “How was your flight earlier?”

“Same old same old. I just got out of work,” he said with a yawn. “Gonna grab a bite out with a friend. Kids eat dinner okay?”

“We had honey sriracha glazed salmon with brussel sprouts and roasted red potatoes.”

“Really?”

“They had kraft mac and cheese and I had Taco Bell.”

“See this is why I like you,” he chuckled.

“I’ll try the salmon again tomorrow. I was gonna make it but they didn’t have any at the store,” you said, opening the fridge and taking out a pint of ice cream. “Hey can I have what’s left of this mint ice cream?”

“Sure. Pick some more up for me sometime before friday please,” he said. “Also, Taco Bell? You do realize we live in freaking Austin right. There are literally hundreds of places you can go that have better mexican food.”

“Yeah but fake cheese tastes good,” you said. He laughed and your stomach rumbled. “I so should have gotten more than two tacos.”

“You in the kitchen?” he asked. You hummed and you heard him let out an oof in the background.

“Yeah. You alright?”

“This bed in my hotel room is comfy,” he said. “But I was starting to say, go in the drawer at the end of the counter by the table. There’s only five hundred gajillion take out menus in there. Order a treat for yourself. It’s on me.”

“Jensen. I can get my own dinner.”

“True but you’re on call 24/7 until I get back.”

“Well in that case I bet you got a menu for a fancy steakhouse in here somewhere,” you teased as you picked up one for a tex mex looking restaurant. “Does this place really have quesadillas this big?”

“You must be looking at the menu on top. I almost ordered from there last week actually. The food’s great. They do delivery too. Just buzz the guy into the gate when they get there.”

“Any recommendations?” you asked, taking out the menu and flipping it over.

“Quesadillas are good. Loaded nachos are amazing. I’ve literally never had a bad thing from there,” he said. “To be honest I’d rather be getting that than where I’m going tonight.”

“Why’s that?” you asked, reading through your options, surprised to find such good prices.

“I have to wear a suit,” he said with a sigh. “After being poked and prodded all day I literally would rather just eat crap and watch food network.”

“How long have you known this friend of yours?” you asked.

“Twenty years, why?”

“Then you guys knew each other when you were young. It’s not too late out there. Call him, see if he’d rather get some crap food, a six pack and just catch up on his couch or in your room. I’m pretty sure he’s more looking forward to seeing an old friend again than the food,” you said.

“You make very good points. I should pay you more,” he said.

“You pay me plenty and barely let me spend a dime of my money on myself,” you said. “I don’t need more.”

“You got that fancy computer though.”

“You literally have the exact same mac in your office.”

“You moved in like three boxes and two computers,” he said.

“An ipad is not a computer,” you said.

“Debatable.”

“Well I like to draw sometimes and it’s easier on an ipad when you’re laying in bed,” you said. 

“Are you any good?” he asked.

“No.”

“I bet they’re really good,” he said as you rolled your eyes. “I see you draw with the kids sometimes and those are good.”

“It’s a hobby is all,” you said, leaning back against the counter, your stomach grumbling again. “Anything else you want me to grab at the store? I’m going to hit it tomorrow while everyone’s at school.”

“Nah. Get the usual stuff,” he said. “The kiddos in bed?”

“Yeah, got the last one down about fifteen minutes ago,” you said. He hummed and you heard the sigh in it. “I got a video of them playing earlier I’ll send you.”

“Thanks. It’s my first night away from them in a long time. Normally I’m able to come back same day. I was kinda hoping they’d still be awake to say goodnight.”

“They’re safe and sound dad. We’ll call again after school tomorrow to talk like today,” you said.

“Yeah,” he breathed out. He was quiet and you pulled the phone away, taking a deep breath. 

“You okay?” 

“I haven’t been alone like this in a really long time.”

“I know. You check out your backpack yet?”

“No. Why?”

“You didn’t bring a jacket with you so I put that yellow hoodie that’s always on the hook in there in case you got cold.”

“That was Dee’s hoodie.”

“I was pretty sure it was,” you said. You heard him shuffle around briefly before he hummed, much happier that time. “I thought you might like to have a piece of...something-”

“I really don’t pay you enough,” he said quietly. “Thanks for putting this in there. I need something from home more than I realized.”

“Well put it on, call up your buddy and have some fun tonight, Ackles. Nanny’s orders.” He laughed and you felt that twinge in your stomach again, your eyes quickly closing.

“I will. Hey you mind if I call again tomorrow night? I don’t have any plans and sitting in a hotel room by myself isn’t very fun.” You smiled and felt heat in your cheeks, quickly thinking it away. He wanted company for a few minutes was all and you were friends. It was completely normal to talk with friends on the phone everyday.

“Of course. As long as you get a dinner in at some point that’s more than fine with me,” you said. “We can talk about The Bachelor!”

“Oh God no,” he groaned, chuckling after a few seconds. “I’ll settle for Grey’s Anatomy.”

“This Is Us?” you asked.

“Supernatural?”

“I haven’t watched that yet. I’m working up to it,” you said. 

“Work faster woman. I only know legit everything about that one,” he chuckled. “But probably not a good idea to watch that one until I get back and you're not alone. First episode is kinda scary.”

“Oh well thanks for that,” you said, watching the clock tick by, knowing it had to be almost seven out there. “I’ll let you go. Have fun tonight Jensen.”

“I will Y/N. Promise.”

Friday Night

“Arrow,” you said after she’d flung her pasta bowl all over herself, covering her hair and face. She sniffled and you forced a smile. “Okay. How about a bath after dinner?”

Fifteen minutes later JJ and Zeppelin were in the movie room watching a cartoon while you had Arrow in the kids bathroom, scooping up some water over her head in the tub.

“Well hello ladies,” you heard behind you. You jumped and spun around, glaring for a moment before you recognized Jensen.

“Just me,” he said, backpack still on his shoulders. 

“Daddy I got ziti all over my head,” she said.

“You did?” he asked, dropping his bag and taking off his jacket, kneeling down next to you. You got the last bit of sauce off and squirted some shampoo in her hair, Jensen watching you with a smile. “How was your day?”

She told him all about breakfast and daycare, playing with a few toy boats with him while you rinsed out the soap. You did a bit of conditioner before getting it out as well and putting the spray nozzle back.

“I got the rest if you wanna get the dryer ready?” he asked you, reaching for the soap. You swapped spots with him, Jensen washing her up while she kept talking about her day. By the time he was all done you had the dryer out and plugged in, Jensen picking her up and wrapping her up in a big bundle of towels before he set her on the counter. You went to work drying her hair, Jensen draining the tub and finding some pajamas for her.

“Do you want your hair up or down, sweetie?” you asked. She tried gathering it up and you grabbed her soft scrunchie perfectly fine for sleeping in from the counter. You put her hair up in a soft little bun, Jensen making an adorable sound when he returned.

“Aw, you look so cute, baby. I’ll be right there alright?” he said. She hopped off the counter and got dressed, rushing off downstairs when she was all done. “Survive the day?”

“Somehow we always do,” you said, gathering up the towels. “Kids are in the movie room.”

“Thanks. I’m gonna shower but we’re all good for the night,” he said. “Thanks for watching them this week.”

“You gotta go do your job,” you said. “You working on a movie or something? You never said.”

“Uh gonna be in a show called The Boys,” he said. “I’m gonna be one of the superheroes so I gotta go out and get my suit made all special for me every so often.”

“You’re gonna be a supe! That’s so fucking cool!” you said. He grinned and you blushed, shaking your head. “I’m so sorry. That was so not appropriate.”

“I don’t see any little ears around,” he chuckled. “You like the show then?”

“Yeah. It’s great. Like no other show consistently makes me go what the fuck did I just see. That’s so cool you get to be a supe though. Are you a one off or like a main character?”

“I’ll be very present in the next season. Gonna deal with the seven, all that,” he said. “I’m gonna be Solider Boy.”

“I can see that. You have that all American boy thing about you.”

“It’s my adorable face,” he teased. 

“Well remember to not stay up too late. You have the gala tomorrow night remember?”

“Yes mom,” he said as you walked out. “Get the kids some takeout for dinner tomorrow and yourself.”

“Sounds good boss,” you said. “Night Jensen.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

The Next Night

You froze from where you were mixing up some brownie batter with JJ at the kitchen counter as Jensen popped downstairs. He was in a gorgeous black suit, a maroon pocket square and no tie going on, his hair scruffier looking than normal.

He started to laugh and you realized you were staring, your cheeks feeling hot as you went back to stirring.

“Mmm, you guys save me a brownie or two for when I get home?” he asked, leaning over and dipping his finger in the bowl of cream cheese frosting.

“We’ll spare one for dad,” you said, Jensen going back for seconds. “Ah, ah. No.”

He dipped his finger in and got another fingerful, kissing the top of JJ’s head and the twins at the counter.

“Be good for Y/N guys!” he called as he rushed out.

You whistled and he jogged back, catching you holding up his phone from the counter.

“Thank you,” he said, taking it and pecking a kiss on your cheek. You looked up at him and he froze. “I am so sorry. I…”

“It’s okay. Go have fun and be all charitable,” you said. He shoved his phone in his pocket and ran out, JJ scratching her head.

“Dad’s kinda weird sometimes,” she said.

“Yeah, he is. But so is everybody,” you said. “Let’s get this in the oven so you guys can pick out colors for your frosting, hm?”

“I really shouldn’t. But I really should,” you said to yourself, plopping your second brownie of the night in a bowl and sticking a scoop of ice cream on top. You carried it over to the couch and lay back, watching TV on the big screen as you heard the door open. Jensen came into view a minute later, taking his jacket off and groaning as he washed up at the sink. He went to the tray of brownies on the counter and picked one up with a big sigh. “Fun night?”

He jumped and whacked his head against the cabinet above, hissing before he spun around.

“You okay?” you asked. He nodded and left the brownie behind, pushing his sleeves up before taking a seat on the other end of the lounger.

“Y/N I’m really sorry about the kiss on the cheek. That was so inappropriate. You’ve kinda implied that there was some stuff that’s happened to you at other jobs you found over the line and I’m really truly sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I wasn’t...I forgot you’re my employee for a moment. I really am sorry.”

“Jensen if I had a problem with it or you or your behavior I would quit on the spot. I don’t let myself get pushed around anymore. You were happy and busy and you pecked a kiss on my cheek, not reach a hand down my pants. It’s really okay. You’re way too hard on yourself.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Positive. It’s barely ten which means you left as soon as you could. You’re supposed to be out having fun,” you said.

“I was kinda freaking out that you hated me,” he said.

“Dude you gotta relax,” you said. “Have a brownie and some ice cream.”

He got up and after a minute took a seat at the other end with a bowl of his own, smiling as he got a taste.

“This is fucking awesome,” he said.

“I know,” you said, Jensen smirking. “Do you feel better now silly boy? I promise that if you ever do anything I find inappropriate I will promptly kick you in the balls.”

“I can agree to that,” he said. He ate for a moment, watching the TV and laying back. “Do you ever like, want to go do things with your friends on a Saturday night? If you do that’s totally cool. These aren’t normal hours anyways.”

“Being a nanny eats up a lot of your social life,” you said. “Kinda got kicked out of my friend group after I broke up with my ex anyways.”

“Well they sound like they suck,” he said.

“Yes, they do,” you said. “I don’t mind so much. I meet plenty of new people through work. Only person you can depend on is yourself and I don’t tend to let myself down.”

“That’s a very lonely way to go through life,” he said.

“It’s not easy to make friends in your thirties,” you said. “Maybe for someone like you who travels and meets new people a lot and stuff but you have like, real friendships. You know?”

“Well we have a real friendship, don’t we? You’re friends with Jared and Rob and Ruthie and Rich,” he said. “I don’t trust just anybody with my kids. That’s real.”

“Yeah,” you said, taking a bite. “So when’s your friend free?”

“Hm?”

“Blind date guy. Maybe he could be a friend if things work out,” you said.

“Oh yeah. He uh, he actually got a gig up in Canada so you might need to wait like a month or so. But he’s excited to meet you,” said Jensen.

“Can I have his number?” you asked. “Or do you think that’d be weird?”

“No, not weird. I think he just kinda wants to do it old school if that’s okay. Meet you first and go from there.”

“This friend of yours better be like super hot,” you said.

“If it’s a problem-“

“I can respect him wanting to do things like that. But I’m gonna want a firm date soon,” you said.

“I’ll make sure to get you one,” he said. “I’ll get it down tomorrow, promise.”

“He better not mind me eating like this either. I ain’t a salad on the first date kinda girl. He’s gonna need to keep up with my eating while were at it,” you said. He snorted in his seat beside you and ran his hand over his face.

“I will keep that in mind. I have occasionally had dessert first truth be told,” he said.

“This is why I like you Ackles. You get my sweet tooth,” you laughed.

“It’s a good thing your dinners are healthy cause I swear I haven’t consumed this many baked goods in months,” he said. “The kids love it and my stomach loves it though.”

“I’m gonna need to start working out though if I keep this up. Oh hey is it okay if I do laps in the pool in the mornings? I’ll be super quiet and stuff.”

“You don’t gotta ask,” he smiled. “Like I said when you started, you got free reign to use the pool, the gym, whatever, aside from my room. You a swimmer?”

“Not really but I hate running and supposedly it’s a good workout or something,” you shrugged, eating another bite of brownie.

“Anything in the gym you’re free to use. I know you must get a little bored sometimes when I’m gone and the kids are,” he said.

“Not bored per say. Ordinarily I would do more chores but you have like a cleaner and a landscaper and you just...give me more time in the day than I’m used to is all. It’s actually great though. It gives me plenty of time to come up with ideas for the kids and stuff.”

“Well as long as you’re taking breaks and your lunch do as you please,” he said, his spoon scraping the bottom of his bowl.

“Now that’s just sad.”

“I really should get another one of these,” he said, sucking the spoon.

“It’s really the only choice you have,” you said. He laughed as he hopped up, skirting back into the kitchen and fixing up another brownie and ice cream combo.

“Hey you want more, Dee?” he asked. You popped your head up and he spun around. “I’m-“

“Don't apologize, Jensen,” you said. He tapped his fingers against the counter and took a deep breath, putting his back to you.

“That’s the second time tonight I’ve done that,” he said. 

“Jensen. There’s nothing wrong with missing your wife.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“You don’t...talk about her much.”

“It was...she wasn’t…” he trailed off. He sat down on a barstool and you got up, walking over and hopping up on the counter beside him. You set your feet in the stool next to his and paused before you put a hand on top of his head and ran your fingers through the short strands. “This shouldn’t have happened to her.”

“Death is the price for living. Pain’s the price for caring. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it,” you said. You started to move your hand away when he turned his head. 

“Don’t…” he said, easing when you played with it gently again. “That’s always calmed me down since I was a little kid.”

“Someone should take care of you every once in a while you know. Your parents, siblings, friends. Everyone needs a break.”

“I had a lot of help at the beginning. I don’t need a whole day. Just a moment here and there,” he said quietly.

“It’ll be okay, Jensen,” you said. He nodded and you played with his hair a few moments, watching his shoulders ease. This time when you pulled away he smiled up at you. “Better?”

“Yeah. Thank you. That’s not in your job description to do that sort of thing.”

“Well I think your wife would want somebody to watch your back, even for only a minute or two,” you said.

“You don’t have any brain aneurysms I should know about, do you?” he chuckled. 

“No. That what happened?” you asked, a single nod coming from him.

“She was sleeping. Not a bad way to go I was told, you’d never even know,” he said. “Not a fun thing to wake up to in the morning though.”

“My dad had a mass at the back of his head. It was that same kind of thing where one second it’s fine and the next everything’s different deal. It was inoperable. Then he goes and dies from a car accident of all things before it got bad. My mom had a hard time with that.”

“You said she had a boyfriend later on right?” he asked.

“Yeah. I know you’ll be okay, Jensen,” you said. You ruffled his hair and he smiled, a soft look on his face. “Pro tip too from someone who’s been there, kids with a single parent turn out just fine.”

“Do they ever wish they had another parent?” he asked.

“They wish the parent they still have around is happy again someday. They won’t understand until they’re older that it’s a different kind of love between parents. But they’ll know it’s a little different and they’ll hope dad feels better too. Your kids are tough. They’ll be okay too.”

“Thanks, Y/N,” he said. You hopped off the counter and washed up your dish, sticking it in the dishwasher before you went to leave for your room. “So I gotta ask. Who takes care of you?”

“Me?” you asked, pointing to yourself. He shrugged and smiled, your gaze going past him. “I’m all good. I don’t need somebody to take care of me.”

“Liar,” he said softly. “You know my friend tells me everybody needs to be taken care of sometimes.”

“That’s the difference between us Jensen. You’re not like me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed, his face scrunching up suddenly.

“It means you’re not on your own and even if you feel like it, it’s only been a little while. You’ll be okay. I’ve been taking care of myself since I was a kid. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“You haven’t lived my life and I haven’t lived yours. Don’t try to tell me that I’m not capable of-”

“It’s not about what you’re capable of. You said pain is part of life, it’s the price for living. You’ve had more than your fair share-”

“Lots of people have it a lot worse.”

“Don’t compare your pain to someone else's. They haven’t lived your life,” he said. You rolled your eyes and started to walk away, Jensen out of his seat and catching up with you in the hall. “You can be taken care of too you know.”

“By who? My non-existent circle of friends? My crappy ex? My mom’s ex boyfriend who’s got his own wife and kids? I am perfectly fine managing all of this by myself. I’ve been doing it for years.”

“You’re so frustratingly annoying,” he said, running his hand over his face. “Me. I’m talking about me. You just...you took care of me tonight. The least I can do is show you the same compassion.”

“No,” you said.

“No? Why not?”

“Because taking care of me turns into you walking into my shower without my permission and you being a dick and this going away and I don’t want you to be those things so no. We’re getting too friendly. Please leave me alone tomorrow.”

You left him in the hall and went down to your area of the house, shutting the door after you. There was quickly a knock and you growled, ripping it open.

“What?” you snapped at him.

“I am not going to hurt you or be a dick to you or whatever else you think. You need to realize in the real world, not everyone is an asshole.”

“You’re the one not living in the real world then, Jensen. Everybody’s an asshole.”

“Fine. I’m an asshole. But I’m not leaving until you say I can take care of you tomorrow. Two minutes is all I’m asking for.”

“This is my part of the house.”

“And technically I am outside your door,” he said. “Why are you so resistant to somebody doing something nice for you?”

“Because I don’t wanna get used to it,” you said. He stared and you shook your head. “You’re attractive and an actor and kind and funny and it’s not a matter of if you date again but when and when that day comes, we ain’t gonna be sitting on the couch eating ice cream anymore. Please do not invite me to anymore outings as a friend. I’ll attend if required as a nanny but this between us is done.”

“For the record, the only one around here that thinks of you as just the hired help is you. My children are completely like their old selves. I feel more like my old self. You seem happier than when I met you but for some reason, that’s a big problem to you. I do not understand that.”

“Leave or I resign and move out first thing,” you said. He crossed his arms and lifted his chin. “This is my formal resignation then. The company will-”

He moved quickly and you weren’t sure what he was doing at first but soon you realized he was hugging you, your hands resting against his chest. You swallowed and he didn’t move, your forehead resting against him.

“What are you doing?” you breathed out.

“When’s the last time you got a fucking hug?” he asked.

“The kids-”

“Not the kids.”

“I don’t remember,” you said quietly. 

“Then you are overdue,” he said. You let yourself reach your arms around him and return the hug, breathing deeply, a small bubble in you rising up. You tried to push it down but it came back harder and you were fighting back tears before you knew it. 

He could feel when you lost that battle, hand rubbing up and down your back. There was a soft shushing in the air and after a few minutes you felt better. You lifted your head but didn’t look at him, Jensen squeezing you in his hug again before it eased.

“You know you’re not allowed to quit on me...like ever,” he chuckled. You let out a small laugh, Jensen smiling at you when you forced your head up. He wiped off your cheeks and you let out one last sniffle. “You’re not alone. I promise you’re not. It’s not the quantity of people you have in your life but the quality and I’m sorry but we are friends and there’s nothing you can do about that so I’d just accept it now.”

“I’m sorry I was such a bitch.”

“You were scared, not a bitch,” he said. “I wish I could make you happier is all.”

“I wish I could bring back your wife for you,” you said.

“One of those is a lot more possible than the other,” he said. A small smile crossed his lips before he ducked his head down, shoulders heaving back before his head raised. “Y/N, can I confess something to you? I hope...I hope it doesn’t bother you but if it does, you don’t have to continue working for me. I’d still like to be friends regardless.”

“What’s wrong?” you asked, Jensen looking past you.

“My single friend I was going to set you up with? He doesn’t exist.”

“Oh.”

“Cause he’s kinda me.”

“Oh,” you said, staring at him, a lot of his previous behavior starting to click into place. “That’s…”

“I know,” he said, stepping away and rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s weird and douchey and I’m sorry. I like you and I was trying to see if you would ever go for a 42 year old actor. I left out the widow and kids part but...I’m sorry.”

“When did you like me?” you asked quietly.

“The whole time?” he said, laughing nervously to himself. “It’s kinda snowballed since we met. I never in my life thought I’d like someone again. I didn’t want to like you. I hired you because you were the best candidate and I knew the kids would be in good hands but everyday it’s there, even more, and I know this is so inappropriate on so many levels and I’m really starting to ramble here but you make me think maybe your mom had a point and people are allowed to have...more than one…and sometimes the way you talk to me and treat me and look at me...” 

He swallowed as you stepped in front of him, taking a quick breath. 

“I will keep working for you and I’ll be your friend...and you can make me dinner tomorrow,” you said with a smile. “We’ll see where it goes from there?”

“You’re not...weirded out?” he asked.

“By your age, you’re my boss or the cheeky lying about a fake friend?” you said.

“All of the above.”

“Age doesn’t bother me. You have no idea how to be a boss, no offense, and the friend...I don’t blame you for wanting to test the waters first,” you said. “But I expect honesty from here on out.”

“Absolutely,” he said.

“Good,” you said.

“You do like me right?” he asked. “Like you don’t feel obligated or-”

“I like you Jensen. Why do you think I was trying to push you away before you got too close? I didn’t want to be hurt.”

“Give me a chance to not,” he said. “We can have dinner and see how it goes from there.”

“Normally the best course of action,” you said.

“But maybe with a few more hugs from now on,” he said. “For the both of us.”

“That’d be okay with me,” you said. He smiled and you returned it. “I guess I’ll see you in the morning then.”

“I guess you will,” he said. He turned to go when he spun back on his heels. “Or we could go back out there, eat way too much dessert and hang out?”

“Yeah,” you said with a smile. “Give me a minute to wash up my face.”

“Take all the time you want. I’m gonna change into something more comfortable anyways.”

He left and you washed off your face in the bathroom, drying it off and taking a deep breath.

You did like him. There was something calming about him to you and you enjoyed his company, even if it was just the two of you having a quiet cup of coffee in the morning.

But he was an actor. And kinda famous. And a widow. And had three kids. 

“But your face is cute,” you said aloud, looking the mirror. “Gah, of course you have to be like...into me. Nutjob. He must be a nutjob. That’s it.”

“Y/N?” you heard him saying and you smacked yourself in the face. “Are you talking to yourself?”

“Uh, yeah,” you said, stepping out and seeing him in the hall sporting a pair of pajama pants and a t shirt. “That was fast.”

“Well I didn’t go through an eight step skin routine too,” he chuckled.

“For your information, my routine is only three steps,” you said, walking past him and waggling your fingers.

“I didn’t realize I was living with such a savage,” he said. You laughed and went back to the kitchen, making up another dish of brownie for him while he went over to where he kept his liquor. “You a bourbon kind of girl?”

“Is there any other kind?” you said.

“Touche.” He poured out two glasses and slid one over while you passed his bowl to him. “So what’s this three step routine? Do I need to up my game or what?”

“I think I need your routine, not the other way around,” you said.

“Nah. I like looking at your face more than mine. Trust me.”

“Oh. How long you been holding back those kinds of comments?” you teased.

“Longer than you’d think,” he said, sharing the bowl with you. “Feel okay now?”

“Yeah. I can’t remember the last time I cried,” you said. “Especially in front of someone.”

“A good cry session has never hurt in my experience. I’ll do it for work and stuff but normally I’m not much of one. Aside from the past six months I mean.”

“Are you ready to try this?” you asked.

“Yeah. I know I am,” he said. “I’m positive of it.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because you make me happy. You make me...want to do stuff again, believe in all the romantic...if I wasn’t ready, I’d feel guilty. But I don’t. I just know that maybe some people get more than one chance and maybe I’m one of them.”

“I know you are, whoever it ends up being,” you said.

“Are you ready to try this?”

You took a drink and bite of ice cream, pushing the bowl back.

“I miss my family,” you said. “I miss being happy. I’d like to...have someone that could take care of me for a moment every once in a while. I might mess that up sometimes but I’m willing to try.”

“Me too,” he said. “I’d expect some screw ups on this end too. I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time.”

“I’m sure it hasn’t changed all that much,” you said.

“Well I’ve never dated with kids and as a widow,” he said.

“I’m just in this for them to be honest,” you laughed. 

“I see how it is,” he said with a smirk. 

“I don’t think it’ll be as hard as you think,” you said.

“I hope not,” he said. 

“Do they know? You want to date?”

“JJ does,” he said. “She’s little but she understands that it doesn’t mean I’ll never love her mother any less. She’s been strangely okay through this whole thing aside from the first few weeks. She helps her brother and sister out more now.”

“As someone who was that kid, minus the siblings, I know they’ll be okay. She’s a great kid. I’ve met plenty of spoiled brats. Yours are not.”

“Well that might just be the second best thing I’ve heard tonight,” he said.

“Whatever was the first?” you teased, eating a spoon of ice cream.

“Oh I think you know,” he said, stealing the spoon back. You smiled and heard some feet run around upstairs before the stairs creeped and a little head ducked down into view. “Arrow. It’s bedtime sweetie.”

“I had a accident,” she said. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, honey,” he said. “I’ll be right back.”

“Want help?” you asked.

“Sure,” he said. He scooped up Arrow on the way up the stairs, setting her down in the kids bathroom. He got some clean pajamas and you found a pair of pull ups, Arrow pouting at you. 

“I don’t need ‘em,” she said.

“Your brother wears them. I wore them and your mommy and daddy wore them. Everybody wears pull ups when they’re your age,” you said.

“Just tonight,” she said, stepping into them. Jensen walked past with the mattress liner and she was dressed by the time you heard the washer going off in the distance. You walked her back to bed, Jensen slipping in past you and tucking her in. “Night daddy.”

“Night sweetie,” he said, kissing her temple. 

“Night Y/N,” she said.

“Night night kiddo,” you said, giving her a tiny wave before you left, Jensen flipping off her light and pulling the door shut. 

“Come here a second,” he said, nodding and you saw him head towards his room. The double doors were open and you stepped inside, Jensen going past the bed and over to a set of french doors. He pushed one open and waved for you to follow, showing you out to a rooftop balcony.

“Wow,” you said, a set of chairs, a table and a lounger out there along with a whole lot soft string lights. “I didn’t realize you had this up here.”

“Kinda a place to go unwind, relax,” he said. “I disappear out here sometimes. Been out here a lot at night lately.”

“Thinking about what?” you asked.

“You,” he said. “I talk to Dee about you sometimes as crazy as that sounds.”

“Doesn’t sound crazy at all,” you said.

“I just wanted to say...this area isn’t off limits anymore. Nothing is,” he said. 

“She asked you out, didn’t she,” you said with a smile. He rubbed the back of his neck and blushed. “You’re cute.”

You leaned up and kissed his cheek, heading back towards inside.

“Come on, Jensen. Before the ice cream melts on us.”

_______

A/N: Read Part 4 here!

[heshemejoshi]

13, 14, & 15 for the ask game? :]c

HEHE HII TY!! :-D

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

Tatsuki Fujimoto i think! Chainsaw Man is his main work right now and the reason he's most known for but i don't find the story appealing personally. however i did read both of his oneshots just to see how his work was like and Oh My God. Look Back is great honestly, but instead of being more enthralled in the actual events of the story when i read it i was Taking Notes on how he managed to achieve certain plot points and story beats and how the paneling got across exactly what he wanted to say. i don't remember the other one too much, it wasn't as appealing and mind-opening to me as Look Back tbh

14. Any favorite motifs

LORD ALMIGHTY this might get personal but i am obsessed with art that has more focus on backgrounds than in characters lately and i really want to explore that in my work. it's so interesting how everything in art can be seen as its own entity? everything has its own soul and we act as the gods of our own universes etc. massive extra points for me if the background is super desolate and/or filled with nature, maybe with some abandoned buildings too. despite me coming from a kiiiinda rural town, it's still quite packed and i do have to make trips to the main city because Everything Right Now revolves around that place it's insane . i've been fortunate enough to be living alongside nature and cement, but i always grieve about the things we keep losing and the things that will never come back. this is both about green lands with healthy life flowing through it as well as abandoned hotels, houses etc that i see too. the city keeps growing and it keeps forgetting. it needs to abandon its pain to continue growing like moss throughout terrains that are risky to inhabit. i want to make a whole ass essay on how i feel about my state but i won't post it anywhere for obvious reasons LOL

15. Where do you draw

ok so to make the answer more interesting i'm gonna go waaay back LMAO.. i drew at my house first, in multiple rooms, in multiple canvases (printer paper, my sister's books, etc). then i drew in school too. then i got a screenless tablet and was confined to the desk and the old computer to draw, and i also continued drawing at school. then we upgraded the computer and changed desks so i drew there, but in the same room with my dad's star wars etc figurines and comic books and all that jazz. then i got an ipad and now i draw inside the house all over the place LMAO because i hate staying still. i also draw on my notebook outside but less often nowadays. i never had, never do and never will take my ipad out of my house though <3 it's for its own safety

[markrichardson]

My Year in Spotify Listening

Like a lot of people I checked out the Spotify year-end summary thingy, and since Spotify is only a certain percentage of my listening, the results were surprising, and I tried to figure out what it meant. In general, I listen to new music via iTunes, if I am sent promos. That only encompasses a certain amount of new music of course, but if I’m sent a download, I tend to use that for my listening all year long. Often, I’m “done with” an album more or less by the time it comes out, but sometimes I’ll keep listening (as w/ DJ Koze this year) and I do that with my promo files. My Spotify listening tends to be a mix of things I stick on a few different playlists based on mood or genre, and they could come from anywhere (but they aren’t usually new). 

In terms of my favorite artists (Bill Evans wound up in my top spot, somehow, followed by Joni Mitchell) it was hard to figure out how it’d happened, because I didn’t spend the year obsessed with either. Then I looked at my 100 most played songs, and that did bring back a few things. I’m not sure if the whole list is in order, but the first 5 songs in the playlist are the 5 listed when Spotify gave me my most-listened-to tracks of the year, so I think so? Anyway, that’s what I am going with here. This is how my Top 10 songs show up on the playlist, in order, with one exception: in the middle of the list was Bow Wow Wow’s “See Jungle,” which I already wrote about on Tumblr 8 years ago (and about which I have very little to say now, except that yes I do still listen to this song a fair amount), so I’ve omitted that and included No. 11. 

Wussy: “Runaway” This was my favorite song of the year, it has 600 plays on Youtube and 5,400 on Spotify, which makes me a little sad. Technically it’s not from this year—Wussy put this out on a small-release tape or CD-R a few years ago—but I’m still counting it. This is the rare case where the streaming media playcounts tend to match the responses of folks I’ve talked to about this song—I mentioned to 4 or 5 people, and in each case they said “Yeah that’s kind of nice I guess...why do you like it so much?” I’ll try to answer that here.  

First I should say that I have no real interest in or knowledge of Wussy. They’re an indie rock band from Ohio, most notable at this point for the fact that Robert Christgau loves them, and has written rapturous reviews of their work over the years, which surely has helped them to achieve whatever small amount of notoriety they have. I checked them out here and there but they didn’t make much of an impression on me. I wish I could remember how I came across this particular song, but I can’t, probably either Twitter or a streaming media algorithm. But I loved it immediately, like, stop-what-you-are-doing-and-listen kind of loved. It just clicked. 

The first thing that comes to mind is the chorus: “I love you, let’s run away.” That’s the theme of so many of my favorite songs, I mean, the first album I bought in my life was “Born to Run,” and if you could sum up the first three Springsteen albums in in 6 words, “I love you, let’s run away” wouldn’t be bad. And I think I liked that this song didn’t try for poetic phrasing, just said it in the simplest way possible.

But the romance of a song like this has a shade of darkness to it, and that draws me in even more. Escape is never a long-term strategy. Eventually you have to figure out how to make life work when you’re in the thick of it. So while it’s such an appealing dream to exit the world with someone you’re crazy about, there is a shelf life to that sort of gesture. I relate to this idea of being fed up with everything in the moment and wanting to jump in the car with the only person who gets you, but eventually, the car is is going to need gas. What then? 

I didn’t know when I first heard this song that it was a cover, so the immediate impact of it was as a Wussy song. But I learned that it was written and recorded by another Ohio artist that people in the band had known, a woman named Jenny Mae. She died last year. Pitchfork did a news story on her passing. She was 49. And when I found that it was her song, I listened to her version and I loved it almost as much (but not quite), though her take also made my Spotify Top 20. I did think enough of her version to order the 7-inch, which was her first release. When I read about Jenny Mae’s life, the song took on another layer of meaning. She suffered from mental illness and self-medicated with alcohol. And she was described by people who knew her as brilliant and creative and hilarious but also impulsive and self-destructive. Which for me gives a sentiment like “No one likes us anyway / I hate my job / Sweet, sweet are the innocent / I love you, let’s run away” and “40 ounce between your legs/ Shakin up my heart / Turn around and look at me / Light another smoke” a different tint. These are the kinds of things you say when in the throes of a rush of feeling, but they’re not impulses you can safely follow for a lifetime, even though goddammit, sometimes I want to.

Bo Diddley: “Nursery Rhyme” In Richmond early this year I bought an old Bo Diddley album called The Originator. I saw it in a used bin, it was $20, and, it was pure instinct, I had a feeling it was interesting. For me, buying used records, $20 is a fair amount of money, I don’t pay that for something I’ve no idea about, typically. But something compelled me to pick it up. I was intrigued that it had none of the hits I knew. And I took it home and when I put it on a short while later it blew my mind. This surprised me because on the one hand it sounds so much like the idea of “Bo Diddley” I keep in my brain, the one rhythm we know from the song he named after himself, but this was just so controlled, so well rendered, with so much atmosphere. The whole thing is brilliant. I became particularly obsessed with this cut from the record, and then I started exploring the “Bo Diddley” beat in general, reading whatever I could about it and listening to examples. This kind of random deep-dive is the best thing about the internet era for a music fan. 

Mulatu Asatke: “Tezeta (Nostalgia” At nights when I hang out with my Mom at her condo in Michigan I play music over a Bluetooth speaker I bought a year ago. My Mom’s default has for a while been to put the television on, but at some point I asked her about playing music instead so we could talk or just hang out, and she grew to like it. Sometimes we’ll chat about stuff, and sometimes she will play Candy Crush on her iPad while I do things on my phone, which sounds distant but is actually very comforting to me. One of the things I’m doing on my phone during these evenings is finding songs to play. It’s quite fun (and interesting) for me to say to myself “What is a playlist that would make my Mom happy?” and then try and figure out what that might be on the fly. She was never really a music person so I don’t have a lot to go on, mostly her age, a story or two about a song she liked, and a vague knowledge of what she might have heard on the radio in my lifetime. 

In September, my Dad died, and I stayed with my Mom in her condo for a number of days that month. I felt a strange mix of feelings. On the one hand, he was father, I missed him, I thought about never being able to talk to him again, to not be able to share the things in my life. I thought about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to learn more about his life, my knowledge of which is pretty sketchy. There were all the usual things a person would be sad about. But then there was the fact that he had a severe and debilitating case of Parkinson’s disease for the last eight years, and at times he suffered so terribly. I remembered how on a few occasions he called me while he was delusional, he would tell me that he was sure he was going to die. One time, he told me that he saw someone in the driveway who was going to kill him. Another time, he said that it was hard to explain but that he had been split into two people, and he couldn’t take it, he was terrified. I told him that it would be better tomorrow and he yelled, “I’m going to be dead by tomorrow!” I would get calls like this while I was walking to work in Brooklyn 700 miles away, and I would feel so helpless. And so when he passed, I thought about him during situations like that, and also felt like maybe not he had some peace. 

A night or two after my Dad died I was sitting with my Mom, talking, and playing music. She dug out some old photos and we were looking at them, pictures from her in high school that I had never seen. I wanted to see everything, learn every detail. And over that Bluetooth speaker I was playing some random playlist I had found called something like “Jazz for late night.” I wanted background music. And while we were hanging out and talking, this song came on, “Tezeta” by the Ethiopian jazz bandleader Mulatu Astatke. And man, it’s hard to describe, but the mood of this song so perfectly captured the exact feeling I had. The phrase that comes to mind is “bombed out,” that’s the way it seemed, like I’d been beaten up and thrown in a ditch and my ears were ringing and now I was trying to reorient myself after all that had happened. There was a feeling of weariness and sadness but also a feeling that life continues, that we have to gather our memories and keep on. And this impossibly beautiful song captured every bit of that, the one-chord riff moving ahead, in spite of it all, while the sax line captures all the sadness dripping off everything at the same time. I listened to it constantly in the weeks afterward.  

Galaxie 500: “Fourth of July” (live) One of my favorite songs by one of my favorite band in my favorite version. This song is indicative of how (as with all songs on this list) when I’m in the mood I can listen to one track over and over. On a couple of occasions in 2018, I listened to this maybe 8 or 9 times in a row, immediately hitting “back” when it had finished. And the thing I was typically listening to was Naomi Yang’s bassline, which to me holds the lion’s share of the song’s feeling. Her bass playing in Galaxie 500 is so incredibly emotional to me, and it was never more so than here. 

Pusha T: “Infrared” The one truly “new” song on here.” I didn’t have an advance of this record so I listened on Spotify when it came out and I loved it. And this song in particular seemed so perfect, the carefully constructed rap, executed as if it’s coming off the top of his head, the sample—I listened to this many times in a row on a few occasions, and it also sent me to revisit Clipse, which brought me a lot of joy. 

Joni Mitchell: “Carey” Another song about freedom, but here it’s real. Blue is a perfect record but I probably revisit this one more than any other single song because I’m so in love with the production—that bass, that hand percussion...sonically, an album recorded almost 50 years ago simply cannot be improved upon. I remember hearing this one on AM radio when I was very young. It was a single, b/w “This Flight Tonight,” one hell of a 7-inch. I’ve always thought the picture it painted was so incredibly romantic—”Maybe I’ll go to Amsterdam, maybe I’ll go to Rome / And rent me a grand piano and put flowers 'round my room.” Hey, why not! And if Carey is indeed keeping her in this tourist town, we know it’s only for another hour, another day, another week, whenever she’s ready, she can’t be tied down. But then, that’s the future: this night, now, is a starry dome, and we’re alive, inside it. 

Arthur Russell: “That’s Us/Wild Combination” Sometimes w/ my favorite Arthur Russell songs you can hear the strain as he creates a new genre trying to get a particular unnamable feeling across. But not this one. Sitting in a room with his friend Jennifer Warnes he made a song that feels as natural as a breath. 

Carole King: “Pleasant Valley Sunday” I’m in awe of Carole King’s ability to write songs that sound perfect on the radio. Even if her prime hitmaking years only lasted a bit over a decade, the number of her songs with her name on them that left a huge mark on culture is staggering. Her demo for the Monkees hit “Pleasant Valley Sunday” shows how perfect everything was before the artist who would bring the song to the public got anywhere near it. I found this one on Youtube 8 or 9 years ago and it’s been in regular rotation since. 

Hank Williams: “The Angel of Death” In February and March I was doing research my Pitchfork Sunday Review on Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska. It’s one of my favorite records, and I’ve wanted to write something long on it for years, so spending time w/ it as the winter wound down was an intense pleasure. It’s common knowledge that Springsteen was listening to a lot of Hank Williams when he was writing the album, and when I came across this song, I became obsessed with it. One, the melody sounds right off Nebraska, and “My Father’s House” (another song I listened to a lot this year) especially seems directly modeled on it. But this song has so much going for it on its own. It’s about death and the moment of judgement, but Hank’s melody and phrasing don’t sound frightened. It’s hopeful, a prayer instead of an admonishment. 

Guided by Voices: “Motor Away” I’ve loved this song for years but I listened to it intently around the same time I was playing the Hank Williams, when I was thinking about leaving Pitchfork. I’ve never been a big fan of Robert Pollard’s lyrics (though I love many of his tunes), but he second line here is the one I couldn’t put out of my mind: “When you free yourself from the chance of a lifetime.” That’s where I felt I was. Editing this music magazine that I cared so much about was the culmination of a dream that took a long time, a ton of work, and a fair amount of luck to realize. When the chance of a lifetime comes along, you’re supposed to hold on to it as tightly as possible for as long as possible, until someone finally pries it away, which will happen eventually. I knew that. And yet, deep down, I knew that after 11 years, I wanted to try something else. Run away, motor away, drive away. Sometimes a song can give you the tiniest push.

[akysi]

Always wanted to do one of these, and now I have. :D 8 years of improvement, wow! I’m also really bad at picking things so I don’t know if I picked the ones that best represent my progress, but eh. I did some edits, but the original base for this can still be found here. Extended thoughts about each year below, it’s a lot! Here’s to bigger and better things in 2019 (please ;_;)

2010: I started drawing digitally in 2006, though regrettably I didn’t save any of the art I did back then. 2010 was when I joined DeviantART, and thus when I started uploading art online. I had frequented DA well before that though (from about 2007 I think), and influence from the artists I followed are pretty evident. A few notable ones were ShaloneSK, Fourth-Star (now SeaSaltShrimp), and thazumi, all primarily dragon artists. Though none of my traditional art is showcased here, this was still a time when I did it often, usually via doodles in class when I was bored. The digital art you see here was made with my first tablet, a Wacom Graphire 3, and Photoshop Elements 3 that came with it. I had little knowledge of file quality, layering, colouring, and other mainstays in using Photoshop properly. Humble beginnings are these! My art education at this point was limited at best, but art was always something I did in my spare time. And like all of the art years leading up to 2010, I drew almost entirely dragons. Aside from practicing foxes for a story I had at the time, I wasn’t interested in drawing much else. I didn’t draw people at all until college, but we’ll get to that. 2011: Christmas 2010 / New Year’s 2011 marked the time I got Photoshop CS5, a version of PS I still use today. For a while I was obsessed with the idea of PS’s Pen Tool, as I saw it could give me much cleaner line art than what I could achieve on my own. I was finally able to test that when getting CS5, and while it worked well for the time, I soon learned the tenets of line weight and tapering, something I would have to practice myself. Up to this point all of my lines were either shaky or fabricated via the Pen Tool, and it shows. This was also a year of trying to mimic Fourth-Star’s dynamic perspective...without any knowledge of how it actually worked. Not a lot of improvement happened here outside of that. 2012: This was the year I bought my Bamboo Create tablet, something I still use with my laptop nowadays. I remember trying it out at my friend’s house before I bought my own, and really loving how I was able to do the line tapering without the pen tool. It still took a lot more practice, but looking back now it was easy to see I was on the way to making line art one of my art’s strongest qualities; something that stays true today. I find it ironic that line art used to be one of the weakest aspects of my digital art, but I suppose that speaks to how far I’ve come. I did more fanart this year, oddly enough. I’d always done it before but I guess I felt shy about sharing it. Notable fandoms were Danny Phantom and Sonic. I didn’t grow up with either, but ended up liking them both a lot, and would doodle them as much as my dragons. 2013: I graduated high school and started my first year of art college, specifically Art Fundamentals at Sheridan College. At this point, everyone I knew pointed to that school (and only that school) for anything related to what I wanted to do; if it wasn’t fine art, go to Sheridan. So I went into college with a bit of tunnel vision at first, but I knew from the start that I would be gunning for animation. Not to animate specifically, but to do character design / concept art for animation. I would learn later on what having this tunnel vision would mean for me, but we’ll get to that later too. This is about the point where more expansion of design and subject matter occurs, albeit slowly. The art featured here doesn’t include my schoolwork, but the much needed increase of anatomy, structure drawing and other college level art courses started me on a path to better things. I still had a long way to go though, and Fundies could only do so much. Unlike most people I actually got decent practice from it given my limited art background, but I still can’t say it was at peak efficiency. This was the first year I actually started drawing people, and it certainly didn’t come without its growing pains.

2014: Surprising no one, I didn’t get into Sheridan after my first year, though that didn’t stop me from being disappointed at the time. I took what was effectively the second year of Fundies, called Visual and Creative Arts (VCA). This was the year that sparked my interest in graphic / logo design, an interesting turn of events all things considered, and that would stick with me a lot more than I expected. This year also featured a few smatterings of character designs, or more specifically design sheets with multiple views, costumes, etc. Character design was a required segment of the animation portfolio, so this is likely what spurred my practice in it, aside from my pre-existing interest. That does not mean I knew how to rotate a character though, yikes! At this point I’d gotten pretty good at clean line art in Photoshop with my current tablet, as well as the merits of high quality imagery. There was a lot of purple in this year and 2015, though that’s nothing really new for me.

2015: This was easily the busiest (and most path altering) year. Second semester of VCA happened during this time, but also what would be new beginnings for me. If I didn’t get into Sheridan animation, I had a choice to make for a plan B: Either stay at Sheridan for VCA Year 3 and try again for animation, or try to get into animation at another school. My buddy Amelia then dropped Seneca’s name in one of my elective classes, and I had no idea how much of a fateful conversation that would be. She mentioned it was considered a second to or even better than Sheridan, and that at least provided a clearer answer for me. A lot of trepidation followed: I didn’t get into Sheridan animation for the third time, and thus applied to Seneca (and a few other places). I was pretty scared of being a first year again at a new school with new people, and while my art definitely reflected the time I spent at Sheridan, I had no confidence in it being good enough for a portfolio given my track record. But low and behold, I got in! I was on my way to a three year rollercoaster of all-nighters, amazing ride-or-die classmates, and relentless, rigorous training. The art from this year does reflect this, both in quantity and quality of uploads, though in more of a “transition period” kind of way. This was the year I really started to draw human characters, most notably with the creation of my first comic project: Starglass Zodiac. This was the first time I had a story idea with a primarily human cast, much less a comic idea, though the designs for them didn’t start appearing in my uploads until the following year. As you might expect I didn’t have a lot of confidence in drawing people. Ironically, my first year of animation taught me all the skills I initially needed for the portfolios!

2016: When I mentioned a path altering year for 2015, I was referring specifically to the path in my art education. 2016 was a path altering year for everything else, and a polarizing one at that. 2016 was a year that was kind to no one, and while the details of what happened to me are not really relevant to this post, there’s no denying what effect it had behind the scenes. This was the year that I fully realized I’d developed symptoms of depression, and with my increasing anxiety to match, this didn’t (and still doesn’t) go so well. I don’t think that’s really reflected in my art, however. Regardless of my mental state, the outside view of my art still features the colourful characters that they always had. By this point I was in my finishing first year / starting second year, and this was easily the best time for me. My time to shine, if you will, at least when it came to character design class. We had an overarching story project that was perfect for SGZ, so I used that time to develop the characters. The double-edged sword of troubled times is my escapism is cranked to 11, so this was probably the year that spurred the most story ideas out of me. This year (and part of the next) started both Id Pariah and Feather Knights. I got my iPad Pro for Christmas this year too, and that proved to be a game changer in the amount of art I could make. I was already used to the Cintiqs at my school, and I was lucky to finally have a screen tablet of my own. 2017: The end of my second year and the beginning of my third and final year of animation. Classes split, streams chosen and a world of missed opportunities began. I didn’t do a lot of art at the beginning of the year, aside from the beginning of my Feather Knights stuff. On top of that, my college had a 5-week long teacher’s strike that literally no one wanted to be a part of, effectively derailing all hope for a good semester. Attempting to do a short film project with this happening was a recipe for disaster. During this strike was the start of my first month long challenge though: Huevember. It was an uncertain time, and most of us were not compelled to get much school work done. Completing Huevember did feel like an accomplishment though, as I was actually able to keep up with it even when school started again. I’d say this art year focused a lot on colour for this reason. What art I was able to complete outside of my schoolwork saw a lot of expansion in that area. In all honesty 2016-2018 tends to blend together for me, for better or worse. 2018: My graduating year. The strike did its damage to my final semester too, but ultimately I survived. Despite completing 5 years of college, my path became the most unclear. Third year taught me a lot of things about myself and how I approach art, but most were not positive revelations. The expectations set out for me are ones that I cannot achieve. However, I have more time than ever to do art, making this year the most art I’ve made to date. I also participated in Inktober, which reminded me how far I’ve come as an artist, despite not doing traditional art for what felt like a century. My illustrative work for Inktober ended up being some of my best art this year, and the prompts made me get creative in more ways than one. The dark cloud hanging over my head has not disappeared since 2016 however, and the toll that has taken shows more everyday. As far as my art was concerned I did more of what I loved, mostly in the form of character sheets and designs. It’s all I can do, for now. 2019, I have one thing to say: Don’t you DARE.

[taetaesource]

Behind The Scene

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 

Taehyung and you fell in love at first sight but he had a dark and dangerous business which he could not let you know. He rounded up his 7 friends to keep his secret from you and told his best friend to protect you at all cost.

The next morning, you woke up to Taehyung sleeping beside you. You cuddled in his chest and wrapped your arm around his body, causing him to stir awake. 

“Good morning princess,” he said in his husky morning voice as he swept your fringe to the side of your face. You tightened your hold around his waist and cuddled closer to him. He hugged you back and pecked your forehead while drawing circles on the arm that he was embracing. 

“Are you still scared?” he asked gently before kissing your forehead again. 

You shook your head. “I was just shocked by Jimin and your reaction,” you looked up at Taehyung’s face. The man gave “mm” as a reply and kissed you again before shifting his body to cuddle you longer. 

Taehyung sent you to work that morning and told you that he will be picking you up tonight. He headed back to office for another meeting with the stakeholders. 

“The other side could have discovered her. Updates anyone?”, was Taehyung’s opening speech when he entered the door and threw his phone onto the table in front of his seat. 

“Obviously. You aren’t exactly very low profile about your impending wedding Mr Kim,” Hoseok retorted. 

“100-table banquet at the Shangri-la Gangnam and engaging Gong Tammy as your wedding planner. You might as well give them a call to invite them to the party,” Jin said in full sarcasm. 

“Just to remind you, they are still very unhappy about the X incident previously. By throwing such a grand wedding, you are only asking for trouble up your ass. You are literally giving them a good opportunity to take you down for what you have done previously. And if I were them, I would take your wife, because the whole world knows that she is your weakest spot. Why? Because you are literally telling the whole world that you are keeping such a vulnerable little thing by your side right now,” Yoongi had his index finger out and pointing at Taehyung as he spoke angrily. 

“Hyung”,

“We have to protect her…. at all cost.” The person who spoke looked up with such serious eyes that everyone could no longer protest. It was not Taehyung who spoke, but Jimin. 

“Now I am really curious about this woman”, Jungkook spoke up. 

“I guess we will have to meet this very interesting woman,” Hoseok said in a frivolous tone. 

“First, I will have to meet the elders to push them for ways to get our asses out of the X case,” Yoongi said before he stood up, brushed his blazer harshly and exit the room. 

Taehyung’s secretary saw how worried and stressed out Taehyung looked during the meeting and felt bad for him. Taehyung had wanted his members to help him out, yet all he got was shaming and blaming. She gently knocked on Taehyung’s door and entered his office when she heard a faint, “come in”. 

“If you need, I guess I could ask my grandfather if there’s any way to help the situation.” 

Taehyung’s secretary had a grandfather who was influential in the field and he was also Taehyung’s godfather. Taehyung respected the old man and to some extent, feared him. Her powerful background was also the reason why the members did not dare to make sick jokes out of her even behind her back or fuck her when she was totally hot enough for them to want to fuck her in her office there and then. 

“I really don’t want to bother godfather with a nuisance like this. I will take it on my own don’t worry. But thank you for offering, I really appreciate it.”

“Alright… I have some contacts in Dior and Laboutin that sort of thing. I mean if your wi-wife-to-be needs something, it’s always easier to have a girl around to assist with such things,” she almost choked when she had to say the w word. 

“That would be really helpful” - a knock on the door interrupted the conversation and Jimin entered hastily. 

When he saw the secretary, he collected himself until she left the room and closed the door behind her. 

Jimin was holding onto his ipad and telling Taehyung that they would need to come up with a detailed daily plan for you especially since the masked man incident. 

“It’s only the two of us around the clock, we would have to plan this well”, Jimin said. 

“Jungkook and Hoseok agreed to help me out with being her bodyguard.”

“Come on you know the both of them are just out to check out how fuckable she -” Jimin stopped himself as he saw his friend’s face darkened. 

“I really don’t want any risks,” Jimin sighed in defeat. 

“Me too, but we really need both of their help. The risk could be higher for her if the both of us missed out on anything,” Taehyung rationalized. “I will set up a meeting to introduce her to the members, so that they know this wedding is going to be real.” 

When Taehyung visited you at the cafe that evening, you were back to your chirpy self as the routine of work got your mind off what happened yesterday and lifted your mood up. Seeing you happy and bright again, Taehyung smiled and felt the stress that he was holding for the entire day was relieved. 

When you whined for Taehyung to take a walk with you before going back home, he almost relented but he was glad that he managed to stay firm about going home straight after getting out of the car. It was too dangerous to be wondering around. It was only when Taehyung told you that he had something important to tell you that you decided to forgo having a cozy walk with him around the neighbourhood before heading into the house. 

The important thing that Taehyung wanted to tell you was the meeting with the other members whom he mentioned as his good friends since his teenage years who would be helping out with the wedding preparations. He suggested to have a dinner at some posh restaurant, but you told him that it would seemed more sincere if you invited them over to have a meal that you specially prepared for them. Taehyung could never say no to you and told you to get Jimin to help with the groceries and chores. “Hmm but do you think they would like it here? My house is a little shabby… and ordinary.” 

“Hey your house fine. Wait till you see your new house, our new house,” Taehyung held your pouty face and kissed your lips. 

The next morning, you woke up to an empty space next to you where Taehyung was sleeping in the night before. He was sitting at the dining table having a serious conversation on the phone. You decided not to disturb him so instead of greeting him, you went to the back of the kitchen to get your towel from the laundry and headed back into the bathroom. Taehyung noticed that you were awake and seemed a little startled as he immediately told the person that he had to go. 

You were rinsing your mouth when you looked up and realised that Taehyung was standing behind watching you since god knows when. He had an idiot-grin that made you laugh. 

“How long have you been peeping at me you perv?” you said into the mirror as you dried your face with the towel. 

“I can’t help it, you are too cute,” Taehyung said as he moved forward to give you a backhug and kissed you on your cheek. 

“And now I have to wash my face again,” you teased. 

“How about making you brush your teeth again?” He pulled you around and kissed your mouth deeply, prodding his tongue on your lips, and when your lips gave entrance, his tongue fought for dominance, pushing for a deeper kiss until you were out of breath. You could have sex with Taehyung there and then but Taehyung had always managed to stop himself. He had always wanted to wait till the both of you were officially married. Sometimes you would purposely put his hands on your breast, your butt, your inner thighs, in between your legs, but Taehyung would usually just give a light squeeze, or graze along the outside of your panties without actually pulling them aside and sticking even his fingers in. You wondered where his self control came from as he would always end your hot make out sessions with, "god i want to fuck you so bad right now." But he wanted to treat you differently from the other girls so he would pull away after another round of long and deep kisses.

You sent Taehyung off at the door as you did not go to work that day. You were waiting for Jimin to arrive when you had a phone call from one of your suppliers. 

“I don’t get what you mean by you can’t send the stocks down on time this month. It was agreed since a long time ago and all along you’ve been sending it down on the same day every month.” 

When Jimin rang the doorbell, you opened the door and gestured to him that you were on the phone, and for him to help himself around the house. 

“But it’s really unfair to me because it was agreed on both sides. You can’t just tell me at the last minute, how am I supposed to run my business if I don’t have the supplies?” 

“I understand that you are running a business as well and it’s difficult to reject a bigger deal but you’ve got to understand that an agreement is an agreement. We have both agreed to have this amount of stock sent to my place at this time every month at this price. If you would like something changed, you could have given me a month notice at least.” 

“I really understand where you are coming from and I hope that you can understand where I stand as well. Thank you so much, I will be ready for your delivery next week.” 

You hung up the call and heaved a loud sound of relief. 

“Something wrong?” Jimin asked while helping himself to some water in your kitchen. 

“Yeah my supplier almost bailed on me because some big client asked for more stocks at a higher price at the last minute, but it’s all settled now!” you ended in a high pitched voice and went over to the kitchen to join Jimin. 

Jimin was impressed with how you were always so cheerful and bright. Taehyung was right, your smile was really something. He liked how you were optimistic but not naive, you were simple but fiercely independent, pure but also smart. You were ordinary, but at that moment when Jimin watched you bent over to look into your fridge, he thought that you were actually quite pretty. 

“We might need to get some eggs,” you said in a sing-song way.  

“You better check for a list of things to buy, we ain’t gonna go back to the supermarket once we get back.” 

Having Jimin around while you were cooking helped alot. Unlike Taehyung who would only praise you, Jimin gave constructive feedback about whether there was too much cream, too little salt or something was just not right. He would also include details about each member like how Namjoon hyung didn’t like tomatoes, Jungkook liked beef and how much rice was necessary to feed the entire group. Jimin was a great helper in the kitchen too. He would wash and cut the vegetables, thaw the meat and kill the squid. When you wanted to tease him, you tapped on his shoulder and fed him a spoonful of the soup that was without the seasoning. You would see his face pause and cringe at the taste of the hot liquid and laughed out loud. He would tease you back by calling your name and with both hands, fling the vegetables that he was washing when you turned in response, so that the water would splatter on your face. “Hey people are paying great money for broccoli essence for their face, you are getting it for free”, he would laugh.  

When dinner time was approaching, you were getting nervous. You were afraid that you might missed out on something but Jimin assured you that you’ve got everything prepared. “I think what you need to prepare right now is yourself. Please don’t tell me you are going to meet my friends in this look.” You giggled sheepishly as you knew that you looked like a mess right now. So you went to take a shower and changed into a new set of clothes and put on some make up that were fitting for reception of your guests. When you came out of your room looking fresh and done up, Jimin’s breath was taken away for a moment. You were not particularly dolled up but he thought you looked fresh and pleasant like the field of white flowers among the green mountains in spring. 

The boys were not particularly attracted to you but they were very interested in what kind of person you were, mainly out of curiosity because they were still wrapping their heads around Taehyung’s hasty decision to marry you. But after figuring that you came from a plain background, like you haven’t even been to any of the night clubs at Gangnam, even Hoseok who was the only one actively creating conversations with you, gave up on pretending to be interested in talking to you. 

“Okay so this dinner is for all of you to get to know my wife-to-be as all of you would be seeing her around often for the next few weeks to come!” Taehyung announced. 

“Hoseok hyung and Jungkook would be helping you to move your things to the new house,” Taehyung turned to tell you kindly. 

Hoseok and Jungkook looked at each other and shrugged, “yeah I guess we will.” 

“Sure thank you!”, your voice sounding like bells. “So... how did you guys meet one another?” You asked in an attempt to get to know them better. 

There was a few “ahem” around the table and the older guys continued eating without looking up. 

“We were from the same team in school. Baseball. Some of them were seniors and Jungkook here was the most junior. We played for the school team,” your boyfriend explained. Well, he wasn’t lying. The 7 of them met in school and their friendship continued beyond the sport and the schooling years. They worked as a team to fight against competitors even after they left school. 

“Ahhh... so do you guys work together now?” 

Even Jimin looked down and continued with his food.  

“Erm... not really. Most of us are helping our family to run the business, or running our own companies,” Taehyung was trying to not say too much for the fear that his voice might shake. Well he was not lying as well. Most of the guys at the table owned the companies that they were running. They were CEOs or GMs of the companies that they inherited from their dads or granddads, or set up as a subsidiary company from the other guys’ companies. For example, Jungkook owned a chain of creative gaming agencies that was a subsidiary of Yoongi’s construction and properties company which was passed to him by his father. Those holding on to family wealth and the parent companies were the more influential ones, and they were Namjoon, Jin, Yoongi and Taehyung. They were the ones with the connections to both the black and the white, the officials, governments, mafias, yakuza etc. But nobody needed to know that, especially you. 

After dinner, the 6 boys got into the lift and heaved a sigh of relief after the door closed and they stopped hearing your cheerful farewells. 

“That was so awkward,” Yoongi complained. 

“I think my dinner is not going down,” Namjoon added. 

“I really wondered what Taehyung saw in her,” Jin sounded out. 

“Maybe he saw what we can only see in her bed”, Hoseok said. 

“Tsk,” Jimin gave a distasteful face. 

“What? I mean we all know how tight Jungkook’s -” Hoseok shut up when he realised what he was about to say when Jungkook was just standing there in the same elevator. 

“Well, she must be quite good down there for Taehyung to choose her vagina for life in just 3 months”, Yoongi said in a matter of fact way. 

Jimin rolled his eyes and stomped out of the elevator when the doors finally opened. The other guys thought he was throwing a tantrum. He got into his car angrily but stopped himself as he fell back and rested his head on the headrest and closed his eyes. Why was he even so mad? The boys talked about girls in this way all the time. His engine roared and he drove off, speeding all the way home. 

On the day when you had to move your things into your new house, Taehyung had an important business meeting and told you to move your things in first. He sent Hoseok and Jungkook to helped you out. Jimin was held up by something in his office for the morning and the idea of being alone with Hoseok and Jungkook made you nervous. 

When the two boys saw you, they were first taken aback by how you looked. You had hired two movers and a lorry to help you load your items from your old house. The two boys were leaning on their BMW and maserati when they saw you waving at them from the passenger seat of the lorry. You were sitting in the middle of two big guys, the driver on your right and another on your left near the door. 

When you jumped off from the truck, Hoseok was even more shocked by how down-to-earth you looked as compared to Jungkook’s wife who was there to help with the moving. You were in T-shirt, denim shorts and dirty sneakers, sleeves rolled up and hair tied up in a mess. You looked like you had worked quite a bit before getting here. Jungkook’s wife on the other hand, wore a casual outift as well, a cami crop top with straps that were self-tied into ribbons on the shoulders, ripped denim shorts that would expose her ass if she lifted her legs any higher than standing still, nude pump heels and a big floppy hat. 

“Good morning! The keys are with me!” You exclaimed excitedly when you saw Hoseok and Jungkook and made your way to the front gate to unlock the door. 

You couldn’t help but smile happily at the sight of your new house. You proceeded to open the windows to allow the sunlight to come in and the fresh air to ventilate the house. Your new home was in a quiet district. You had wanted to live in an apartment so that it would not be too quiet for just the two of you but Taehyung wanted to give you a big house. So you compromised and got a one storey private house instead. 

“You could just unload all the boxes here and I will sort them out and take them to the respective rooms later!” you told the two boys as well as the two movers who seemed more willing to help you than Taehyung’s friends. 

The three of you followed behind the two movers and you unloaded the big boxes with the same vigour as the two big guys which caught Hoseok in another surprise. You were moving in and out as quickly as the guys and was not afraid of the heavy boxes. But most of the time, the movers would stop you from carrying the heavy boxes yourself and take the box from you, causing you to just laugh it off and thank them. Hoseok was getting pissed off at Jungkook for not helping out but entertaining his whiny wife the whole time. When Jungkook told him that he would be dropping his wife off to somewhere for awhile, Hoseok waved the youngest off in irritation and told him that he was not of any help at all. 

After the last box was moved in, the three guys were standing in the new living room panting and sweating. You took out a plastic bag full of drinks inside and gave it out to them, “please take a rest, I’m sorry the drinks are not cold anymore I got them this morning.” 

The movers gulped down the drinks with gratitude and bid their farewells after they had made sure you didn’t need any more help with moving the boxes into the rooms. “No it’s okay, you have done enough,” you sent them off at the door and waved goodbye. You sat on the floor and drank up, looking around at your new house and smiling uncontrollably. 

Hoseok was amused by your genuine admiration of your house which he honestly thought was not very impressive. “Are you really so happy?” He asked in amusement. 

“Yeah it’s a strange feeling, I don’t even know why am I so excited!” you said with a little squeal in your voice. Your happiness seemed contagious as Hoseok couldn’t help but chuckle a little. 

While you were unboxing the cartons, you accidentally slashed your palm and winced in pain. You looked at the cut for awhile and found that it was not deep so you clenched and unclenched your fist and continued with what you were doing. Hoseok caught you and immediately stopped you, “hey hey hey what do you think you are doing?” He took your hand and checked the wound. 

“Ah it’s not a deep cut”, you tried to brush him off but he gave you a look. “Still? There’s blood. I have a first aid box in my car, let’s go.”

“Wait!” you got up and went into the kitchen. Hoseok followed after you to make sure you were not up to any tricks that would worsen your cut.

You turned on the tap and placed your injured hand under the running water. Your face winced in pain and you let out some small “ahhh ahhh” sounds as the running water flushed the blood down. Hoseok could almost feel the pain himself and he was surprised again. The girls that he met would whine and cry at the slightest bruise or pain except those caused during sex, and he was impressed by how fiesty you were. “Ok let’s go!” you chimed after you were washing your wound. 

Hoseok was very careful with the administration of your wound and he bandaged your palm as though you had broken your hand. “I don’t want Taehyung to be nagging at me” was his answer when you told him that you only needed a plaster. You could only laugh at him and his first aid skills as you moved your bandaged hand like how you would if you were wearing an oversized glove. 

“I didn’t bandage it tighter because I’m afraid you might cry if I were to do it properly okay,” was Hoseok’s defense. “But I like it haaard”, you teased. Hoseok laughed as he scratched his forehead lightly and looked out of the window of his car. You were really one very interesting woman. 

At the next stakeholders’ meeting, the group shared the latest updates on the other side. 

“The wedding is approaching, we don’t have much time to negotiate. I think the best we could do would be to throw them some contracts just like previously. Namjoon could sort out to see which contracts would be the most beneficial for them, we don’t have time to weigh our losses. Just give them a big one,” Yoongi proposed. 

“I’ve offered them some of contracts that we had but they were not interested. Mainly because we screwed up big time for the previous one. They lost an important man. They are not going to settle so easily. But I guess if we are desperate, we could offer our bigger fish to them. A&W, they couldn’t possibly say no. Though I am not sure if that’s all they want,” Namjoon added. 

“They want Taehyung down, isn’t it obvious? Take the fisherman and all the fishes are theirs, isn’t it?” Jin sounded out. 

The meeting room went silent and Taehyung looked tense again. 

That evening, Taehyung picked you up from your cafe and took you to his usual restaurant for dinner. He was very quiet and he looked as though he had a lot on his mind. 

“Did something happen?” you asked softly while he was driving. 

“No, I’m fine,” he forced a smile and took your hand with his other hand that was not on the steering wheel. You held his hand throughout the ride, rubbing it with your thumb, hoping to make him feel better. 

When Taehyung was holding your hand as the both of you followed the waiter’s lead into the restaurant, somebody called him from another table. It was Taehyung secretary and an old man. 

“Oh godfather, how have you been?” Taehyung greeted carefully and politely. 

“I was just wondering when would you give me a call or come to visit me?” the old man laughed. 

“Grandpa, Taehyung is very busy these days. The other side seemed to be giving him some problems and... he is busy preparing for his wedding...” the young lady spoke up but her voice trailed off when she talked about the wedding. 

“Ahhhh.... the other side... seemed like I would have to catch up with some of my old friends....” the old man said with a voice that sounded like he was looking very far away. There was something insidious about it.

Taehyung had his head low the entire time, he seemed to be very respectful of this old man. 

“And what is this wedding about? Is this the young lady you would be wedded to?” the old man said as he saw your interlocked hands with Taehyung. 

“Ah yes. This is my fiance.” 

“He is my godfather,” Taehyung whispered to you. 

“Hello, nice to meet you,” you said politely. 

“Ahhh I was hoping to introduce you to someone, can’t believe you have already found someone before I could do that. What a waste. But she seemed like a nice wife, a very clean face. I hope you wouldn’t miss me out on your wedding,” the old man laughed. 

“Of course not. Enjoy your meal godfather, I shall not hold you up any further,” Taehyung replied, he knew the full meaning behind calling you a clean face and he suddenly felt a ball in his stomach. 

“I think you mean I am holding you up, ha ha ha, I shall leave the two lovebirds alone. It’s good to be young, enjoy your time together now, marriage is a different story,” the old man laughed. His words didn’t seem to have any meaning but Taehyung seemed to have felt every weight of it. 

The stakeholders’ meeting before the wedding was intense and everyone looked worried. 

“Okay by some kind of magic, we were given the chance to negotiate with the other side face to face AFTER the wedding,” Yoongi updated. 

“We would still have to be prepared, we’d never know if a wedding might turn to be a shooting spree,” Jin said in a matter of face way. 

Jimin’s face clenched and they continued talking about their game plan for the wedding. They had only one goal - to ensure that you were safe throughout the wedding. 

[vis3003]

Business Card Project - Part 1

Around the time this module started, I got back into contact with someone by the name of Josh Hitchcock who I met and worked with back in college. We met when we were 16 and worked on several projects with each other during our year studying photography together, I learned a lot from Josh and we’ve stayed loosely in contact ever since leaving school but haven’t collaborated on anything for around 5 years despite having always had similar interests, styles and aesthetics. Josh is also still pursuing his passions and talents in visual communication and is beginning to build a portfolio with the aim of applying for a BA, just like I was doing this time last year. Alongside getting himself prepared to do a degree, he has been expanding his online presence and slowly establishing a business and brand identity for himself. He reached out to me originally to ask if I could potentially create him a logo that he could use across all of his platforms which he needed fairly quickly as he was building a website, unfortunately I couldn’t meet the turnaround deadline and so he commissioned someone else to do a logo, later reaching out to me again to ask if I might be able to create business cards instead.

Josh had already started sketching out ideas and so he sent me his drawings as a starting point for the design

After some discussion and a little bit of time, Josh came to the decision that this was his favorite prospective card design and even began experimenting with it's colors.

It was at this point that I asked him to create a Pinterest board to help gather all of the ideas together which he promptly delivered on. Pinterest’s description of the board “Clean, simple doodles. Photography orientated based on nature and ancient art. A perfect combination of tech, nature and aesthetic.” sums it up perfectly. This was a really strong starting point for the overall design as it includes everything from small decorative graphic details such as flowers, vines and suns; to a concise range of colors for the palette of the art itself. The board isn’t overcrowded, it's clearly well thought through and does good job of clearly communicating the kind of style that I was expected to reflect in my design.

Coincidentally around the same time I started this project, I decided to treat myself to an iPad Pro and Apple Pencil to support my University work, these have become increasing popular in the art world because they are incredibly powerful creative tools, I chose to invest in it mainly for it’s capabilities in creating digital art using the Adobe suite and Procreate using the pencil which is exclusive to iOS and has is slowly becoming the standard for digital drawings.

Having recently attended the Illustrator workshop, I thought that I would experiment with using this software both on my iPad and computer as I figured if I could learn to use them in conjunction with one another from the get go, I would be in a better position overall later on; but in doing so, I threw myself two learning curves at once as I was not only dabbling in software I wasn’t comfortable with but also using that software on a device that I am a complete beginner to which was a definite challenge for myself.

I started out by doing a Google search to find out what the standard size is for business cards and found out that is generally 3.5 x 2 inches (1050 x 600 pixels at 300 DPI, which is the standard DPI for printing). This is how I decided to set my document up which is what gives me the white rectangular shape that you see me working on to start off with.

To begin the design, I picked out my favorite things from Josh's sketch which were the wavy line details and the bohemian style sun. I created some simple outlines using the line tools on iPad Illustrator starting with the border and dividing horizontal line where I intended the design to end, from this I was able rough out where patches of lines would go and add the sun. For the sun, I originally tried to draw one with wavy points but I was struggling to get it proportionate, even when I'd figured out how to use the reflect tool to make my drawing symmetrical, it seemed to be throwing the design off and so I threw this idea out and went for a pointed sun design instead. I chose triangles for the points as a subtle reference to the exposure triangle which is a rule that dictates camera settings when it comes to photography so it ties in with the business well and was also a concept that Josh was trying to reflect in his logo. I achieved the geometrically accurate shape of the points around the sun by creating the very top triangle and then using the Radial Reflect tool whilst using my iPad which automatically created the rest of the points for me with even spacing and perfect symmetry; all I had to do then was resize the points as I pleased. Once I had done this, I decided to repeat the process but with a small line between each point to give it an extra beaming sunshine look, this also fits in with how some of the sun's and graphics are drawn on the Pinterest board that I'm referring to as I design this.

Once the outlines were complete, I started experimenting with filling in the patches with lines, this is an effect that is featured on the album art of one of my favorite albums of all time, Currents by Tame Impala which I previously learned how to do using a vector pack from Spoon Graphics as I did work inspired by it for my University portfolio. Although I have used these particularly line textures before, I have only used them in Photoshop and not Illustrator so I haven't actually used the vector versions of them up until this point. I inserted these into my work using my computer as that's where they were saved, I was able to use Adobe Cloud to sync my work between my PC and iPad making it easy and convenient to switch between the two whilst working. Adjusting the waves worked similarly to how it does when I use them in Photoshop, I just added them in as a layer and then used direct selection mode to delete the extra lines around the outlines and border that I’d drawn in leaving me with what you see above. At this point, I sent what I’d done so far to Josh so that I could begin to get his feedback and make sure that what I was doing was in line with his vision.

Whilst I was waiting for him to reply, I started experimenting with adding color to the design hoping that it would help us visualize it better; I used colors directly from the Pinterest board for my palette by taking a screenshot of the webpage, opening it up in Illustrator, swatching all of the colors and adding them to my Color Library so that they could be easily accessed whenever I needed them.

At this point, I just filled in the colors according to what made sense to me, blue for the sky, yellow for the sun and something contrasting for the wavy lines, honestly, I chose orange because it’s my favorite color and I really like the way that the purple looks next to it, especially against the blue background where it appears slightly more subtle whilst still being effective at breaking up the image in the way that it needs to.

I continued to add colour, changing every other point on the sun to be red to give it more dimension and incorporate more of the colours from the chosen scheme; I then added green to the bottom section which I chose because I thought it would represent grass and fit in with the sun and sky theme that seemed to be emerging. I also added some small stars as I was experimenting with the shape tools dotting them into some small empty spaces on the design so that they line up in a triangular shape which is another subtle reference to the expose triangle.

Then I started experimenting with adding text and social media icons, Josh had told me that he wanted his name, website and social media information on the card, we decided to leave his phone number out as he only has a personal mobile number and didn’t want to risk handing it out to strangers. I chose this Art Deco style font for the name because I liked the lines in it and thought it went well with the lines in the top half of the design which are probably my favourite thing about it at this point. I didn’t use the same font for the website because it doesn’t look as good when it’s small, you can’t really see the lines and it made the website hard to read so instead I chose this glyph font which I thought Josh would like based on some of the imagery from the Pinterest board; I was unsure about this choice at first but it quickly grew on me as it’s subtle and yet it makes the website look bold on the bottom of the image which draws your eye down to it when you’re reading the information. I also added some social shapes to the front keeping Josh updated on my progress as I went along.

It was at this point that I started to receive some feedback from him, he was really happy with the first impressions of the design but did want to make a few changes. He started out by asking if I could change the green on the bottom to the orange colour in the waves with the hope of giving the card a more uniform look which we both agreed looked much better. He then asked me if I’d started designing the back which I hate to admit that I hadn’t actually thought about at this point and so we started discussing the layout; collectively agreeing to move the social media information to the back of the card and have that there along with some sort of bio which I much preferred the idea of as I wasn’t too keen on how the social shapes looked on the front of the card and I was worried about how I was going to fit all of the contact details on without making it look messy.

Originally we thought it might be nice to add some floral details to the front of the card where the space had now been freed up but we quickly decided that this didn’t look quite right.

[tea-and-toblerones]

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum | A Unison One Shot

Happy Halloween guys! This is my all time favorite holiday and since you guys are so amazing you all deserve a treat!

RATED M FOR ALL THE SMUTTY SMUT YOU LOVE SO MUCH

"Aah, I love Halloween!"                                                                                                      

I was standing in the middle of the store, ripping off the mask I had been modeling, tossing it aside in the jumbled mess of fallen apparel. We had been digging through the racks of clothes for at least an hour trying to find the perfect costume. Well I had been digging through them. Once Ed had realised that I turned into a tornado sweeping through the store, he stood back and let me do my thing. He could tell I was enjoying myself trying on random costumes, modeling them in ridiculous way. He even slipped on some crazy wigs, with me, both of us cackling at how ridiculous we look. He slipped away as I was practically swallowed by costumes.                                                                                                                                                      

"Hey, Adi, how about this one?"

                                                                                                                           He held up a simple pirate costume. The shirt was an antique cream color long, and with a square cut neckline that was low but not too low, with off the shoulder sleeves that were long and flowing, little strings around the cuffs to keep them above the hands. A brown leather corset that went over top that would settle right under my breasts and black leather pants. His other hand held the stereotypical pirate hat and a dark red bandana. I look it up and down carefully, keeping my face as expressionless as possible.                                                                                      

"That one huh?" I cock one eyebrow up, folding my arms across my chest.                                                                                                        

He looked down at it "Well, yeah, I thought you had the look...y'know...the swagger and the fierce attitude...and you like rum..." He trailed off, lowering the costume, looking slightly downtrodden. "If you don't like it I can find something else..."                                                                                                                                         

I walk over to him, putting my hand under his chin, lifting his head so he was looking me in the face. I let a smirk cross my face, scruffing his facial hair a bit as I did so. "How did you know it was my secret ambition to be a pirate?"I give him a hug, kissing him on the cheek. "I fucking love it Teddy." His face lit up, breathing a sigh of relief. I take the costume out of his hands holding it to my body for a size comparison. I should have known he'd pick the right size. "Yknow this might be the first time this scar actually comes in handy. It'll definitely add to the look."                                                                                                                                                                                       

"Do you need any boots to go with it? We can run to the shoe store if you need to."                                                                              

Bless this boy. Willing to not only go shopping for costumes, but actually suggests we go shoe shopping as well.                                               

"I've got some boots that will go perfect with it. You've done suffered enough for today."                                                                                 

"Hey, I had fun too. Besides seeing you enjoy yourself isn't suffering, love."                                                                                                                                

There was no denying I had fun. Costume shopping was the last thing we did before heading home. After Ed found out just how much I loved Halloween and fall in general, he suggested we take a day to some fall activities.  We had spent the morning stumbling our way through a corn maze, laughing hand in hand.  After we managed to find our way out, we headed to the pumpkin patch. "Adi, if you can't carry it by yourself it's too big!" The patch filled his his laughter as I struggled to haul the biggest pumpkin I could find up to the attendant. He must have resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to be able to talk me out of it and came to help me, still laughing. I found out afterwards he  had snapped a picture. The image of me with my arms around a giant pumpkin with the biggest smile on my face was his ipad background for weeks. After our pumpkin adventure we went and stocked up on candy. He stared in amazement as I chucked bag after bag of candy corn in our basket "Wait, you actually like this shit? It's like chewing a poorly flavored candle." I pouted, tossing in a couple bags of gummies in  when he wasn't looking so he'd have something to enjoy as well.                                                                                                                                  

We made it back to my apartment and started unloading our day's haul. I grabbed all the bags, while Ed wrestled with the pumpkin I had jokingly named Lucile. I hurried ahead of him to unlock my door so he wouldn't have to stand and wait for me to fumble for my keys. I dropped the bags beside my couch, rushing back out to help him with the large gourd. He deposits it on my kitchen table.                                                                                                                                                          

"So, you know what you're going to carve yet?"                                                                                                    

"Well, I had thought it was something we could do together so I hadn't really settled on anything yet."                                                                                                                                        

A smile crossed his face "Really? I'm not great at carving, so it might come out looking poorly and I don't want to mess it up."                                                                                                                              

 I wander over to my catch all drawer in my kitchen, digging through until I find what i'm looking for. I pull out the same kit I had used the year before and showed it to him.                                                                                

 "Stick and cut technology my dear. Makes it a lot harder to mess up. There's no way I'd be able to do it without it. I can't even draw a line."                                                                                                                          

I pass him the book, letting him flip through it as I start unpacking the bags. He chuckled at a couple of them, finally pausing at one.                                                                                                                           

"How 'bout this one?"                                                                                                                        

 He passes the book back to me.  I take it looking it over, laughing. He had to have picked the most complicated one in the book, a creepy looking demon face. It was the one I was planning on doing the year before but ended up picking a castle with bats instead.                                                                        

"For someone who was worried about messing it up, you picked the hardest one out of all them."                                                  

"Didn't you say you liked a challenge?" That eyebrow coming up.                                                                                                                 

We spent the afternoon elbow deep in pumpkin guts. I had let Ed do majority of the actual carving. His face was a perfect display of sexy concentration. His brow furroughed, his tongue just peaking out from between those gorgeous lips. I had gathered all the seeds, rinsed them off, baked them and were currently cooling on the stovetop. I had put in Silent Hill to watch as we worked. That's when I found out Ed was not a fan of the horror genre.                                                                                                                                                           "Jesus fuck, those things came out of nowhere! Movies are supposed to be relaxing. How can I enjoy myself when I'm constantly on edge wondering when the nex- oh fucking hell!"                                                              

Once the movie was finished, our freshly carved pumpkin flickering on my countertop,  and a big dent taken out of our candy supply, I decide to try on my costume. The party wasn't until next friday but I wanted to make sure I didn't have to return it for whatever reason. Ed had decided to sit this party out, not wanting to cause a scene at my place of work. I slip the shirt on, adjusting  the top of it until it fit the way I wanted. I added the corset, luckily it was just a zip on, not an actual corset so I could handle it on my own. The pants fit perfectly, almost like a second skin. I turn in the mirror, looking myself over. Damn, he sure picked a great costume. I add my knee high stilleto boots, bandana and hat before walking out into the living room.                                                                                                                      

 "Well, what do you think of your choice?"                                                                                                                 

 Ed's mouth fell open slightly. His eyes traveled over my body, gleaming with lust. I did a little twirl to show off the ensemble. By the time I had turned back in his direction he had closed the distance between us. His tongue running over those gorgeous pink lips. "Give me your booty, matey" His voice low and sultry. His hands came up, squeezing my ass. A lascivious grin spreading across his face as he did so. "You look so fucking sexy."                                                                                                                                                                                   

His mouth came to mine in an hungry wanton way. I pressed myself into him, revelling in the hardness that I could feel pressing against my hips. He tore his lips from mine, moving down to my neck. His tongue gliding across my skin, soft as silk, paired with the roughness of his facial hair was almost a sensory overload. His teeth made contact with my neck, pulling my sensitive skin into his mouth. I moan angling my head back so he had better access. He answered with hot, wet kisses, trailing from my pulse to my collarbone.  I thread my hands through those luscious lock as he worked his way down.                                                                                                                                       

"Oh fuck me..."                                                                                                                           

I felt his hands come back to my ass, this time lifting me up. I quickly wrap my legs around him. His mouth on mine again, more frantic than before. I could feel his need flowing into me, only adding fuel to the fire that was already raging within me. His fingers digging into my ass as he walked us toward my bedroom. The bed was suddenly at my back, his frame was hovering over me, placing more kisses on my neck.  He tossed his glasses aside, clattering against the floor. His knee came up between my legs, spreading them slightly apart. His fingers coming down rubbing me outside my pants, causing me to moan and push myself against his hand, which only made him tease me more. I reach up and run my hands under the dark blue sweater he was wearing, savoring the feel of his chest, noticing that his skin was even hotter than my own. He grabbed the sweater, yanking it over his head, throwing it aside.  He ripped my corset open in one quick fluid motion, yet careful enough not to damage it. I shrug my way out of it, shoving it off to the side. He pulled my shirt up over my head, unclasped my bra taking a moment to marvel over my naked torso before finding my mouth once again.                                                                                                                     

 I unbuckle his belt, unbutton his pants and push them down. He kicks them off, I hear the dull thud of the belt hitting the floor. He mouth moves from my own, to my neck, pausing only when he reaches my breasts. He takes my left nipple in his mouth, while teasing the right with his fingers. The combination of the hot wetness of his mouth and the gentle bite causes my back to arch. He switches to the right, doing the same thing. His tongue flicking, his mouth sucking, teeth grazing, it was all so much that I hadn't noticed his hand had left my nipple until it slid under my panties, his fingers tracing my slit.                                                                                                                             

"Mmm, already so fucking wet, you're almost dripping for me." He dipped a finger inside, causing me to moan even louder. "That's my girl, your moans drive me wild." He slid another finger into me.                                                                                                                                            

"Ah, fucking, yes, Teddy, fuck"                                                                                                                           

He nipped and sucked his way down my body, all while finger fucking me into oblivion. I roll my hips into his hand, helping him hit the right spots. When his mouth reached the top of my pants he withdrew his fingers to untie them.  I raise my hips off the bed to make it easier for him to pull them down. He realised I'm still wearing my boots so he yanks them off, throwing them off somewhere towards my closet. My pants and my already soaked through panties were next, flung to some far off corner of my room.  He looked down on me, his gaze almost primal.                                                                                                                    

"Fucking hell, you are a vision, laid out on display, just for me. I can't get a fucking enough."                                                            

He throws my legs over his shoulders, biting his way up my thighs. His tongue pressing against my opening, causing me to whimper in anticipation. My body stiffening when he drug his tongue slowly through the slickness that had gathered. I moan loudly once his tongue flicks across my clit. As he suckled and massaged it with his tonuge, I began gyrating my hips, essentially fucking his face. I could feel his fingers digging into my flesh of my thighs as he pulled me even closer. I could feel my release nearing, I grab ahold of his hair, my hips moving faster, his mouth moving at a faster pace to help me along.                                                                             

 It hit me like a bolt of lightening, the warmth rushing through my body, my walls spasming, my cry's filling the room. His tongue flicking over me a couple more times, causing me to jump due to over stimulation before he raised his head.                                                                                                                                    

"I'm no where near done with you yet." He growled, a fire burning behind those bright blue eyes.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

He slid his boxers off, lining his cock up with my opening. The head running through my wetness, slowly, tantalizingly slow. His eyes locked with mine, his expression so sexy it had to be sinful. His lips curling in a lewd smirk as he watched my need for him grow. Jumping every time his head brushed against my bundle of nerves. Finally I can't take it anymore.                                                                                                                                        

 "Teddy, Teddy, Please I need you."                                                                                                                                   

That was all he needed to hear. I felt the familiar burn as he entered me.  He went slowly for the first stroke or two before his speed intensified  His thrusts weren't the normal controlled ones I was used to. These were faster, more frenzied and rougher than they normally were. I quickly match his pace and rhythm, my hands gripping his shoulders. His eyes were closed, his hair stuck to his sweaty forehead, the sounds coming from him were so so sexy and so deliciously sinful.                                                                                                                                                              

"God, I love fucking your pussy. It's so fucking tight and so wet, fuck you're always wet for me."                                                                                                                                              

I had never seen him in this state. He was usually so controlled and caring but this was different. It was like he had given over to his basic need and it was fucking hot. He had quickly brought me right back to the edge again. His head dipped back down to my neck, biting harder this time, chuckling when I cried his name out, my cries for more spurring him on even more. My hands grabbing his perfect ass,  my nails sinking into it. His eyes were still squeezed closed, those primal grunts still spilling out of his mouth, along with the occasional swear.                                                             

"God, I'm so close Teddy."                                                                                                                     

He must have known, I could feel my walls tightening around him in mini spasms. His thumb came down, pressing down on my clit. Slowly he moved his thumb side to side, maintaining the same steady pressure. Stars exploding in my vision as I came, the fire flowing through my veins. The swears that stumbled out of his mouth spurred me farther along. His free hand tangled in my hair. He thrusts a couple more times, chasing his release. I feel his cock twitch within me and a look of panic flash across his face, pulling out last minute, spilling his seed on my stomach and bed.                                                                                                                                                                     

"Oh fuck, I'm so sorry Adi, I got carried away. Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I?"                                                                               

There was the Teddy I knew. The concern behind his eyes, his hand coming up to brush the wisps of hair that had stuck to my sweat covered forehead.  He collapsed down beside me, our breathing still elevated. Since I already had to wash my sheets, I snag my sheet and use to to wipe off my stomach, balling it up and kicking it off the bed. I turn my body towards him pressing my lips against his forehead. His arm came around me pulling me closer to him. I rest my head on his chest, taking in the sound of his frantic heartbeat, savoring the fact that I was the cause of it.                                                                                                                                                                            

 "That was amazing Teddy and no, I'm fine. I promise." I stick my pinky out, causing him to laugh, wrapping his own around mine. My hand tracing the outline of his tattooes.  We lay in silence for a few minutes until Ed finally broke it                                                                                                                                  

"So I have to ask, why is it your secret ambition to be a pirate?"                                                                                          

 "Well, lots of reasons, but mostly the freedom that comes with it. Not having to follow anyone's orders. Life on the open sea. Waking up everyday to the fresh salt air. Going where you want, when you want. Plus drinking rum under the night sky? Who wouldn't want that?"                                                                 

He laughed "You're really something, you know that? I can't wait to discover what other dreams you have, love. "

[brynsharrattbcu]

Summary Post: Week 3

I’m feeling optimistic. My ideas are running well and i think i have a strong breadth of ideas that have opportunity for some deep diving to find my final piece in there somewhere. I think because I’m so dead set on tattooing i have basically decided my method and medium already so it’s mainly based around the contextual and conceptual referenecing I want to pull in.

I am a bit wary of tying in my theme to the overall brief of the Open Borders but I think by keeping it at the front of my brain ill be able to manufacture a body of work inline with the brief. Also, blog posting, as I’m doing now, is very alien to me. I have always been a sketchbook artist even from A-Level art i worked in small notepads, sketching and documenting what I do. To transition to a blog post format is proving to be difficult but i will keep referenceing back to other class mates who have had more experience and regular tutorials with John and Stuart should aid me moving forward.

Photographs of my A Level and HND ideas generation in an A4 and A3 sketchbook:

Now is the time for me to churn out works and drawings, I’ve spent a long time in relation to what remains of the course looking at artists and developing an idea in my head about what is to come. I am used to working at pace as the ALevel and HND courses i attended were very full on, however i still need to maintain tempo and get about pulling relevent artists and developing reference drawings so i can further my practise towards a final outcome.

The lectures have been interesting and i have definately found an area of art that i really engage with. I love the work of Holt especially, the idea of adding astrological reference to such a man made material like concrete whilst incorporating the winter and summer solstice showed great planning and strong conceptual reference. It’s artworks like Sun Tunnels that really inspire me to do more and think of art that hasn’t been done before; search for gaps in the artistic community and i believe a fine art variance on tattooing is that gap.

Sun Tunnels, Nancy Holt:

Time keeping has always been a bit of an issue for me. During the ideas generation and research development aspects i always go full steam ahead and generate work like it’s nothing: i picked this up from my English Literature and Language background that helped me analyse and evaluate extremely fast. However, i am a slow drawer and i take my time to generate precision pieces which often becomes a downfall when I look to create a breed that of work not just depth. To combat this i am going to be doing a lot of digital works through the ProCreate app on my IPad. There is a certain lack of character as the work isn’t physical but it aided me massively during my previous semester to generate work surrounding propaganda and American cartoons and pop culture.

Year 2, Semester 1 works of social commentary through graphic propaganda:

I am struggling at the moment to attend both my Live Projects Module and my Collabrative Practise Module as both operate on the same day with only 30 minutes in between classes and my Collaborative Project being over at Parkside. In addition, i was unable to attend the first site meet to the prediscussed allotment space because my Collab Project ran over its time slot and meant I couldn’t get to my site visit on time. I’m going to try and manage my time better in this regard and might have to look at leaving my Collab Project before the session finishes to reach my Live Project site visits on time.

However, overall i am happy with how these first 3 weeks have planned out. My work actually excites me and i feel very engaged in the work I’m doing; it feels very positive that I’m finally excited to be starting a large body of work that i have genuine passion for. Not just an array of work i think is clever and well get me marks. I will continue going on as i have been and believe my next stage is relevant artist research int the field of self reflection, autobiographical works and large scale tattoo artists.

[janiklandre-blog]

Monday, April 17, 2017

On Easter Monday - 9:45 a.m.  - not a holiday - yet part holiday - my eye op scheduled for this afternoon - I am to be there at 1:30 - equipped my grandson with phone numbers - very grateful that he is coming. - Once again my mother - she often talked about how when in the 1930's things were getting worse and worse in Europe it was the blood families who were drawing together - her best friend Marianne for whom I was named - she and her daughter later perished in Auschwitz - but close as she had been to my mother - after we had come to Prague and Marianne and my mother lived in the same town again - my mother lamented, the friendship was never the same again.

The Catholic Worker prides itself on being a family - often I was assured of being a member of that family - yet in this instance - how fortunate my grandson now lives in Brooklyn. How fortunate I am to have a grandson.

When I came here at 9:15 the computer room was still closed - security told me of the three maintenance men only one on duty - a holiday? - once again my bells were going off, learn to use the ipad - she promised it would be open by 9:30 - I waited a bit beyond that - glad to find it open. Cannot deny being nervous about the operation - it was nice two weeks ago to have Pim and his friend take me - having time for me later, Pim helping with the drops, taking me next next morning for a 7:30 appointment to the doctor - but I will manage - somebody there to walk out with me from the clinic is a law. The laws. Our president will do away with all of them - also may do away with us, altogether. Things do look scary.

People all say - nothing to it with these cataracts - and of course compared to most other operations it is "nothing" - still I think it was late February I went to the original doctor - now out of the picture but the two doctors still seem to collaborate after some fashion - and it will be the middle of May that my last eye drop is scheduled for. Besides - when did I begin fretting over this operation - the optometrist who had been my student whom I so much liked had, so I was told by his nasty successor written something about cataracts in my file but kindly not told me - this was 10 years ago. It was seven years ago his successor nastily told I had cataracts - it's written here he said - I never went to see him again - and have found out how many people are trying doctor after doctor. You are never sure do you really need a procedure or are they trying to make money. That is what modern medicine has come to. Harder and harder to find a doctor who went into it because he/she loves people and not "it is a good business". 

Luckily until now I have been able to live with a real minimum of medical care - my European doctor friends always willing to share their knowledge with me over the telephone. Never an American doctor - the law forbids it - and the law has made so many people happy to sue - which has made things worse and not better. Insurance rates for doctors are astronomical - also years and years to pay off debts for their education -  urgent reforms are needed. Once I found a wonderful nurse practitioner - she was sitting next to an anatomical chart - had time - was happy to give me anatomical instruction that I badly need - it was an instance where an expensive Park Avenue wanted to operate immediately - this must have been 1975 - the nurse practitioner suggested exercises. The doctor had been recommended by Christine F.

I guess a topic to dwell on this morning - though there is something I had met to mention. Among the familiar faces I met at the funeral on Saturday was a man who long has been called Jerry the Peddler, a Vietnam veteran, in his 60's now he already came to my attention around 1985 when a woman who had changed her name to Cassandra mentioned him. She died a few years ago, she came into my life in 1968 - still Thelma then - a student at the New School about to take PhD qualifying exams in anthropology that she passed. She was the mother of four sons, she also was a student of communes. I met her at a meeting where urban communes were planned - and again in my memoirs you could read about my involvements with urban communes, other communes - always an observer. Cassandra wanted to do a dissertation as a participant observer - filled reams and reams with her observations - got three of her four sons involved - never could get any funding. Under Carter - the president - she got some job in some program she liked - teaching computer skills - funds were cut - she was disgusted - and got into peddling - yes, she did love marihuana. On East 9th street she met a squatter, Jerry - and this was actually how I learned about the squatters - also would have loved to write a book - no connections, no funding, no guidance - did not know how to go about it. Peddling, any kind of business, alien to me, I made do on shoe strings.

I see Jerry practically throwing himself under garbage trucks hauling away pocessions of homeless people who had set up a tent city in Tompkins Square Park - they with help from the squatters and also other people fought City Hall for three years, almost unprecedented. I was there at every raid - bringing cookies, hoit coffee and helpoing people robbed of the little they owned in small ways. One woman asked me to safe keep her journal - Cassandra asked me to safe keep beautiful poems she wrote - all burned in 2000 -  including my 6th Street Log - typed forerunner to this here blog. Hundreds of pages.

Back to Jerry last Saturday -  I had spent not too long ago a little time with him and he had told me about the program he had found - it involved gardening - and when I saw him Saturday he was fitter than ever - I asked had marijuana kept him young - no, he said - gardening. I think the garden he works is not too far away and in days not very long ago I walked, and walked watched what was happening in this here neighborhood and well might have come across his garden - yes - gardening - my mother loved it, my younger son loves it - I - when we lived in post war Germany my mother did wonders with a little stony soill at her disposal - no tools, no water hoses - we worked practically with bare hands, carried water out in pots - yes, she supplemented our rather poor nutrition in signficant ways - but scolded and scolded and scolded my father and me for not helping enough - in any event, I never wanted to garden again. It seems - my mother's father when they had almost no money turned a little bit of land practically into subsistence farming - my grandmother did not garden much, she raised geese and chickens, was a wonderful baker, cook - house, laundry spotlessly clean - and as my mother describes in her memoirs - a most wonderful volunteer social worker - many people seeking her council.

The green thumb, it has passed me by - the Central Park Conservancy has a long list of applicants who love to garden - and have turned the park into a great garden. I do enjoy their efforts, much is in bloom now, I love to gp there - don't have a desire to put my hands into the soil. Might keep me a lot fitter than sitting at this here computer. Jerry does also show that marijuana consumption has not hurt him. A truly kind, alwasys smiling man - he gave me a friendly hug.

Well, it 11 a.m. - quickly about yesterday - a lovely long lunch at the Ukrainians with Haralld - we met when he was 20 and I was 22 - for years were very little in touch - alas he lives in Los Angeles - by now we both have lost many friends who died - and enjoy each other and have much to tell each other about our lives. He gives me excellent advice - he is a lot more practical than I am. We then came to my roof - it was a bit windy - and we both preferred the sun vehind clouds where it stayed most of the time. We enjoyed the green furniture. Then on to the Catholic Worker - where he wisely suggested I should keep my long time bonds - was greeted in the usual very friendly way - Edgar insisted on playing on the piano for us in the auditorium - took Hrald over to 1st Avenue for the #15 that only comes on ther rarest of occasions, specially on a Sunday - but there it was and Hrald got on.

At the CW I had seen the lovingly set tables for Easter dinner - tablecloths, cloth napkins - the best service in the world - I returned for the dinner - was served by M.H. - lovely dinner, devilled eggs, slices of kielbasa with - now the German comes: Kren - cubes of cheese, endless refills of apple juice - mashed potatoes , carrots, string besns with a cheese sauce, roast beef that I forwent - they really were outdoing themselves - I watched - just don't have much to say to the topics broached.

Kept waking up - but here I am - ready to leavetoo early - I am everywhere too early - peasant background?  Have caught charter flightd that left two hours early - Zurich - too expensive for them to sit on the tarmac - they had arrived early - the flight was a shaky affsir, very old plane, no idea who flew it, but it got me to New York - to a difficult scenario - all described in my memoirs. I know,I am writing them over - since I don't find ways for publishing, that is what I have been doing. And yes, I do repet myself. Also Harald told me horror story of a man publishing on face book - I think he nearly landed in jail - also said tumbler is often used for pornography - who knows into what hot waters I still my get - with a little bit of luck, a little bit of luck - hopefully I'll be back here tomorrow, and tomorrow - some more tomorrows   adios Marianne

[hastings03cole-blog]

Scared Etihad Airways Passengers Howl In Anxiety As Extreme Turbulence Strikes Trip In Dramatic Online video

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[renegadehymnal-blog]

Adventures in Digital #1

The Theory and Practice of Podcast Opera : part 1 (of 3)

A transcript of a Composer Commentary podcast, by Martin Ward, exploring the creation of the opera serial Road Memoir.

Road Memoir is a digital opera podcast serial, written by Martin Ward and produced by Renegade Hymnal. It was created, recorded and podcast in summer 2017. It features the voice of the soprano Billie Robson.

This Commentary assumes that the reader has listened to Road Memoir and it therefore contains some minor spoilers. To listen to the work go to http://www.martinwardmusic.com/road-memoir

Hello, my name is Martin Ward. I'm the creator, writer, composer and producer of Road Memoir. As a composer, my background is in writing for the stage – particularly opera, theatre and ballet - and especially in creating dramatic work. I come from a music college education and I worked for the Royal Opera House music department after leaving college, so the traditions of western classical music are well instilled in me but recently I've been increasingly wanting to explore how opera in particular might develop in the current and future digital age.

By digital I'm not just talking about the use of digital technology in staged productions - through video projection, lighting and sound - I'm more getting at exploring the ways that opera can exist and embed itself within digital media. Particularly the digital media we carry around with us, literally or virtually, in our phones and iPads and laptops.

There is obviously a role to be played by technology in promoting stage productions (via youtube, websites and social media) and more recently the screening and streaming of live or filmed productions is clearly bringing the artform to a wider audience and that's all fantastic but still what these methods are presenting is the traditional staged work. In contrast, what I'm looking to explore is the creation of work that uses this media and these devices as the platform - the digital stage - for which it is specifically created and on which it is "performed".

Increasingly we experience the world through our phones - news, art, culture all come to find us. You receive a notification, you tap on that and away you go. The immediacy of that is exciting and stealthily addictive. So I wondered what it would be like to attempt to bring that same immediacy to a dramatic musical story, to have the work come to the audience rather than making the audience go and find it. The prospect of being able to embed a work within or alongside the normal everyday interactions of the audience's digital life, to have some control over when that "performance" moment happens, and to have that as a storytelling tool, is all quite enticing too.

For this piece, which is really a first stage on that journey, I chose what is intentionally quite an easy step to begin with, by using podcasting as the medium for the "performance" of the work. I say "easy step" just because the podcasting platform is well established and the process of uploading episodes; and for those episodes to then automatically migrate into iTunes and other podcast providers; and to gain a global reach therefore, is all quick, painless and pretty simple. Given the creative challenges I was imagining, ease of delivery was an important factor.

I decided early on that I wanted to make an episodic piece – what I started with was an idea for a work that was really more like a song cycle than an opera. The inspiration I was taking was from works like Schubert's Winterreise, where a narrative is told by a single character in the first person and the songs are about moments in a journey, extremely intimate glimpses of personal experience or emotion or memory that end up saying something profound about the world they are set in.

I had also been wanting to write a piece about refugees for some time. By way of research, I'd read a lot of refugee stories and testimonies online and thought that I'd try to concentrate on what was common to the refugee experience, avoiding the bigger pictures of the political causes and the wider humanitarian ramifications of refugee crises, stripping away geographical or historical setting and any backstory that wasn't completely personal to the single character that I would focus on. So, by taking this route in, the piece is largely about how a person is not in control of their own fate, things happen that are outside of their control and they react, often without the luxury of understanding the context or the bigger picture and often in the only way they can, they literally have no choice other than "run and live, or stay and die" and those survival choices lead them in certain directions and they have to then live with where they end up. So in this piece I wanted to create a character and then put those kinds of life or death moments in her path and let her snap decisions in those moments lead her journey, whilst I concentrated on showing how it must feel to constantly be that helpless and afraid and threatened.

An intriguing factor in writing a piece that will likely be experienced through a phone, probably on headphones, is the intimate one-to-one nature of that communication, that connection, and I decided pretty early on that that needed to be embraced by the work. That this needed to be a story and an approach which tied in with that intimacy and used it to it's advantage. Hence the idea that every voice you hear in the opera, be it sung or spoken, is being sung or spoken into a phone. I hoped that that might draw in the listener, make them feel more involved in the drama.

It's a decision like that that marks a kind of break through in the development of a work because immediately other things fall into place. So, straight away I knew that the woman's voice had to be recorded up close in a dry space and then had to be mixed without reverb (to sound as it would on a phone recording made outside) and I also had to create the sounds that phones pick up other than your voice. So there's the natural ambiance of the surroundings – be it a city, or a wood, or on a beach – as well as more specific sounds of other people or vehicles or of movements like footsteps, the sound of the wind on the microphone even, all of that went into making it sound authentically like a phone and also into creating a sense of the character's surroundings. A lot of this is quite subliminal because the listeners ear instinctively homes in on the words and obviously there's the music in the mix as well but I really came to believe in the power of that subliminal sound - the ear takes it all in and interprets it, even if it doesn't flag it up to the conscious mind. For instance, a dry-recorded voice accompanied by just a natural ambient recording of wind blowing through trees can have a significant emotional impact. The changes in ambiance also really helped to chart the journey from one episode to the next and I constantly used them to give a sense of place before using any words to fill in detail.

On a practical level, I tried to record as much of the sound myself over the course of the creation of the opera. My Olympus LS-5 Recorder has been a constant companion on dog walks for the last few months. A lot of the woodland ambiance and sounds – footsteps for instance – are recorded in a wood near my home in Bedfordshire. I needed to EQ out the drone of the M1 motorway which is about 5 miles away and record between passing planes but that's pretty much unavoidable wherever you go in the UK. For the beach sounds I spent an afternoon at Dunwich in Suffolk. I thought it would be quiet on a weekday but it ended up being a really sunny September afternoon with lots of retired people walking their dogs – so not quite the desolate coastline I was after but, if you're patient in the recording and prepared to work in editing the sound files in the studio, you can make it work.

So all of the initial development and thought and planning was happening early this year and the creative work didn't really begin until after I spoke to Bill Bankes-Jones at the start of May and he offered to present the piece as part of the Tete a Tete Opera Festival in July and August. This was important not least because, as a podcast opera, there wasn't an audience in existence. Unlike staged work where an established opera audience simply follows the companies and theatres which produce the work they like, monitoring the websites and the brochures, etc. I was aware that no-one would be looking for this, that podcast opera didn't exist as a thing and so, partnering with a new opera festival would hopefully flag up the piece to the kind of audience who are open not just to opera (and that's already a small enough proportion of the population) but also to contemporary opera that's exploring new ground and new methods and unconventional stories.

Figuring out my approach and the details of the story, creating the characters, writing the libretto, all that took some time, not least because I was kind of inventing the form of it as I went along. And from an initial idea of having short episodes (two minutes maximum) daily for two weeks it was suggested that it would work better as weekly episodes. This made sense with the established podcasting routines and I hoped to attract seasoned podcast listeners – something that I don't think really happened actually – and it also felt like it would buy me a bit more time as the series would then be spread over 12 weeks and so I agreed on that change and took a step back to see how that might alter the possibilities for the piece. I decided (and this was a decision that I almost came to regret) that with weekly instead of daily episodes I'd have to increase the length of each (to five to six minutes), to keep the audience engaged, and that I should include a second voice...

This second voice was the spoken text role of The Investigator, which had come initially from an idea that if the opera mixed sound and music maybe it should also mix sung and spoken, to create a fuller sonic picture. I'm also a fan of parallel stories in films and books and it occurred to me that having someone investigate the woman's experiences at the same time as we hear her living them, might be interesting, and might make it possible to bring more insight and context to her story whilst also underlining how little she is really aware of what's going on around her during her journey. This seemed to be an addition which would add real depth to the piece.

In the next blog I'll talk about the writing and composition of Road Memoir and some of the conclusions that I've taken from the process.

[annoyinglymysticbouquet-blog]

In 'Air' Laptop, As well.

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