#I messaged my mum with a minor breakdown

[prideandprejudice05]

if nobody got me today the outlook “you seem to have forgotten to attach a file” got me

[luxarcher]

Hi, um I saw your post about being trans masc and it's really hit me. I'm a trans masc and I can't do l anything to make me more comfortable, and it's gotten to the point where if I look at certain parts of my body I start to cry and breakdown and I can't stop crying. My parents refuse to say anything regarding me being trans and are visibly uncomfortable, so I can't do shit. My mum bought me a binder but it was too small so now she won't buy me another and I can't purchase one cuz she'll get upset and I'll "make my dad uncomfortable". How do I get over these feelings? And how do I make them stop outside if getting stuff to help my dysphoria? Sorry if you don't know, I'm just a bit desperate.

Hey there, sorry for the late reply but I really hope this gets to you. I'm glad you enjoyed my art, and I'm sorry that you're dealing with that, its never easy to be in that kind of "transition limbo".

When I first came out to my parents (they kinda saw my trans stuff and sat me down for a talk, dragged me out the closet) they also pretended like it never happened. My parents were very conservative, traditional asian parents with high expectations and wanted grandkids. For years they pretended to never hear me when I talked about trans or queer stuff and I know first hand its absolute torture to feel so unseen and unheard, esp from your family/friends, so you are very brave to be honest with how you feel to me.

I know its hard, but the best thing you can do in this situation is to stand your ground and continue to be yourself, irrespective of how they act. If you're still a minor and living under their roof, be yourself but also stay safe if your parents can get abusive. Just wait it out and hang in there. Once you are of age, proceed with transitioning and don't compromise for anyone, don't look back. Stand your ground. Make your roots. Find others who will appreciate you for who you are. Continue to grow.

You're trans. You're beautiful. You are worthy of love and a time where you can be happy in your own skin. This is just who you are and you are going on this journey whether they like it or not. You love your family and you've given them to chance to have a son. The ball is in your family's court at that point. If they decide not to keep up, its on them for losing you. Never blame yourself or apologise for searching for a happier life.

I know its hard to fight this silent war against people you care about, its going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go through, but trust me in that once you stand your ground, more likely than not anyone in your life who truly want you to be happy will eventually realise that they have to accept you for who you are for you to flourish and they will make an effort to try harder.

After a couple of years, my parents eventually began to give in. It was a long and awkward fight but it paid off in the end and they eventually realised they were either gonna lose me or gain a son and decided to join me in the latter.

I don't know if its any consolation to hear my story, but I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (even if you go through more tunnels after, there will always be light again). Stay strong and firm. Use these feelings and turn it into strength. Speak to others and bond over the pain. It sounds cheesy but hang in there and one day you will see the light again.

Re: The binder - DM me. I've got some spare binders and am happy to spare some money to get you whatever you need. And I'm here if you want to talk. I'm not great at instant messaging but I'm always happy to chat and support you through this time.

Hang in there. Thanks for your message.

[poetrybyanelf]

My sister misses social cues

Over the years she has copied

Many toxic traits

Not understanding them

And used them with me

I am both her hero and

The one who is always wrong

My sister has crossed all my boundaries

And every time it hurts

The pain building up like a cut

Never allowed to heal

And I would get angry

My mother, would try to quell my anger

By disciplining me for it,

In her effort to maintain harmony

But harmony is not the absence of anger

It is coexisting in a way that every can be happy

My mother had chosen a side,

Whenever she told me off,

And it wasn't mine

For, by demonising my anger and telling me it was wrong,

She had told my sister, her behaviour was appropriate and mine unreasonable

She had told my sister that my anger was an overreaction

To a valid feeling of violation

At the trampling of my boundaries

My reaction was

Something to be corrected

Rather than acknowledged

She had unwittingly allowed

Encouraged even

My sister to continue to ignore

My boundaries

Because she corrected my anger first

Before moving on to consider what I had said

And then, she would ignore it

Because it was only a minor incident

If it had happened just the once

But it was never a one off

I would break down,

Crying and pleading for it to stop

And then they would listen

They would realise how much it had hurt

But it was too late

My boundaries had been pushed further out

My pain was no longer minor

But my sister now saw me telling her,

Her behaviour was wrong

As an overreaction and me being in the wrong

She would now respect my boundary

The ones that I had cried over

But ignore the new one that had gone up beneath her feet

When she had made me so upset

That I had had to cry

As my only recourse

For the pain I felt

And the process would start again

She would cross it

I would get mad

My mum would hate my anger

My sister would copy my mother

In seeing my reaction as wrong

I would breakdown

My boundaries would expand

And back to the top

In an endless cycle

Where she never actually learnt

To respect me as a person

And constantly told me I was in the wrong

For hating it

How she violated the few rules I actually laid down

Willfully ignoring them

For not getting social cues is one thing

But I told her verbally and she still did it

She choose to ignore me

Whenever I told her no, stop

And then wondered why I hated her

Wondered why I wanted nothing to do with her

When I felt so uncomfortable

Just being around her

Expecting her to cross my boundaries

Expecting her to cause me pain

And expecting to be told off for

Crying over it

I want nothing to do with her

Because the only thing she has brought is pain

Yet I am the bad guy

Because I am her hero

I am her older sibling

I should protect her

The one who caused me nothing but pain

The one who ignored me whenever I said no

The one who was allowed to do so

You don't get to tell me I am wrong

For hating her

When she so clearly doesn't respect me

You shouldn't treat anyone this way

My brother and I get along

For the simple fact that I

Respect his boundaries

And he respects mine back

He listens when I tell him no

He stops when I say it hurts

And he treats me as an equal

Someone worthy of respect

Yet I am in the wrong for liking him better

For choosing to spend time with him over her

Why

Why should I spend time with someone who hurts me so

Why is it okay for her to violate my boundaries

But not for me to be angry

My brother is angry when I go into his room without permission

And I respect that

That's why I don't

I am angry when he undermines me

And he respects that

That's why he stopped

But me being angry that she hugged me when I didn't want it

Is somehow wrong?

Why is that different

Because she might have Asperger's and I should have explained it better?

Well I was a kid

I barely had the vocabulary to vocalise my anger

How was I supposed to explain why

You were the parent

Wasn't it your duty to explain boundaries

Her not understanding social cues, just means she needs them spelling out

But now she has internalised the message that me spelling out my social cues

Is me overreacting

And she only does that with me

Because rather than letting me explain, correcting her behaviour or making sure she understood

You demonised my pain

The outpourings of a child

As an overreaction

As mean

As unforgivable

So I broke down

I never learnt a healthy way of expressing it

Because you didn't let me

And now I know

My anger was justified

But it escalated to toxic levels

Because it was demonised

And I no longer see the point of even

Engaging with her

Because all she'll do is

Violate my boundaries,

Demonise my anger,

Make my cry,

And repeat

Until she eventually learns it's wrong

Until she changes

It's not up to me any more

And I don't see the point in trying to fix

Something I didn't break

Why should I work on a relationship

I don't wanna be part of

Because she is my sister?

Well I want nothing to do with her

Haven't since I was a child

Because she has caused me more pain

Than she has ever brought me joy

And you want your kids to be happy

But it's not my job to make her happy

At the cost of mine

She needs to work on herself

And her behaviour

Before she is ever allowed near me again

[beautifuldarkmind]

Thank you for your response! It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

I mean I have been tempted to go private for a while, but it’s scary giving money to someone when there’s no guarantee it’ll go well. And assessments like that are expensive and I don’t currently work. I’m on work benefits, but I have a feeling that might end soon because I have an appointment with them soon and I literally haven’t looked for any work…so I think they might stop paying me. Had a bit of a breakdown about that last night and thinking about it is making me anxious, so moving on!

Yeah, I think my parents definitely invalidate my struggles. They care much more about physical illness than mental illness. As I said (I think), they barely bat an eye if I say I’m su*cidal, but if they found out I s*lf harmed they suddenly start to be concerned a bit? But then again, they don’t ever address why I did it, they just want to stop me doing it. It’s to the point where I might be physically ill rn and I’m actually kinda wishing it is smth bad so that for once in my life, someone cares about me being ill. Which is disgusting and twisted but that’s how I feel.

I’ve tried telling my parents many times that I’m struggling, but I guess they just assume I’m them because my dad will say it’s social anxiety, my mum will say everyone experiences it. Then when I told them about how stressed the work thing made me, they just told me that’s life. (Then when I brought it up in an angry convo with my mum, she denied it and said I was just remembering stuff negatively.)

And now I’m stuck becoming way too stressed over a text message and getting irrationally upset over mouldy bread. It sucks. Last night I flicked between incredibly anxious and upset to completely angry to slightly angry to okay in the same like 30-45 minutes.

Anyways, idrk what this ask is lol. I hope you’re having a nice day. <3

- 🌸✨

Yes invalidation is really bad, people don't realise how detrimental it is to our mental health but it literally puts the idea of not being good enough into our heads, cos even our parents wont value us. They always want to shrug it off as something minor right? your parents sound exactly like mine!

The stress of how you're feeling can make you physically ill too, I became really unwell last year its why I seeked help because I didn't understand why everything was so emotionally painful? I'm someone who likes to pretend shit doesn't bother me so I was making it even worse for myself.

I really hope you get the answers you're looking for but it seems like you're already on that journey and you are self aware and know what you need. It's hard but if you need anyone to speak to I'm always here!

Hope you're keeping well <3

[polyamoroamer]

Webs and Nets

I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want out of life, what I can offer the world and those around me, and what I need to grow and change. I think we all have.

The world right now is in flux. It is a scary time and scary place. We have violent men in power; rising bigotry and hatred; a global pandemic with hundreds of thousands dead; rampant transphobia and rampant racism; police brutality against those who dare to rise up for peace, for strength and for love. We live in a dystopian novel.

But the thing is that we always have, in many ways. Native Americans are still living through the apocalypse that decimated their ancestors and stole their land; African Americans are still living through the apocalypse that pillaged them from their homes and forced them into slavery thousands of leagues away. The legacy of horror continues. This is not new. But what we are seeing right now is a pinch point, an historical time where things could swing toward the better, the brighter future.

During lockdown I have been keeping away from people almost totally, as my grandmother whom I shop for and visit is 97 next week and I want her to see 100. I went to one BLM rally, the biggest protest I've ever seen in my predominantly white little conservative town. Bigger even than our ridiculously large Pride (we have a truly exemplary number of radical LGBTQ+ people for such a Tory stronghold). But I have not stepped out past that, as it was simply impossible to socially distance, and I am protecting someone.

I have been working hard on the campervan conversion, building the bathroom and starting the kitchen cabinets. I'm considering linking this blog with my real life at last, so may eventually post photos of it when it's finished. I've complained about it to you friends enough!

I started a new kids' novel about a trans girl who finds out she is a witch and navigates the difficulties of coming out to her parents and living as openly trans at school, and learns magic at the same time.

I've cut the pieces out for so many new items of clothing to sell, and am hopefully going to sew them all soon.

It sounds very productive but it doesn't feel it. Every step is three steps backward before I can move on, every day feels like a punch. I've been creating out of desperation, trying to justify my use of oxygen and food and space by making things.

A few weeks ago on the Solstice that came to a head. Dash and I were going to go out in the campervan and trip for the first time since last summer. But I couldn't fix the leaking skylight (again), I took hours longer trying to make it work than I should have done, and finally when the time came to leave, we picked up my mattress to put in the camper and it had been utterly ravaged by mould.

This might sound like only a minor setback, but to me it was breaking point. That mattress has changed my life. I woke up in the mornings without pain, able to get up and go whether I did my morning yoga or not. I slept soundly, heavily. I dreamed strange dreams and I felt rested. I didn't hurt. It was a £1800 mattress I found secondhand for £250. And I ruined it. It felt like the perfect coming together of all of my failures as an activist, as a child, as a partner, as a creator, a builder, an adult, a grandchild, a sibling, performer, writer, as a human being. Through my own negligence I destroyed something very expensive to replace that had supported me, cradled me, held me and become my haven and sanctuary.

So I had a pretty solid breakdown. I slid back into old habits, the clawing of skin and banging of heads. I had a headache for days. It felt so ridiculous. Such a small, insignificant thing to go wrong when compared with the huge issues facing vast swathes of humanity. But as we all know, often the thing that sets off the breakdown is not the biggest issue. It's just the last little drip that makes the bucket start overflowing.

Since then I have had several smaller incidents in a similar vein, and every time I mock myself for them.

But I am lucky. My mother and my partner, and most of my family really, are all very supportive of my, and one another's, difficulties. When I fuck up and spiral into a self-destructive vortex, my loved ones give me space to recover, help me to fix the problems, and unquestioningly forgive my mistakes. It's astounding to me, the amount of patience they can have with me, when in my own eyes I am a ceaseless burden and chronic fuck up. They hold my hand and tell me I am wanted, I am loved and it is a pleasure and joy to be with me. They help me to repair or replace or heal or learn. They love me.

And in this I come to see how similar we are. Because I do the same for them. When Dash makes a mistake and becomes convinced he's always just an accident waiting to happen, I reassure him, help him to fix the problem, and give him space to stew. When my mum panics two or three times a day over technical issues, I swoop in to save the day. When Nanny Ogg puts herself down because she believes the voice of her abuser, I swamp her with verbal affirmation and love.

We all take care of each other. We are all parts of the web. Or really it's more like a net, with no one person at the centre. Everyone looks after everyone.

I want to expand this network. Recently I have been trying something new in my relationships. Whenever I think positively about someone, I send them a message, even if it's only 'hey, how are you? Thinking of you'. This is a hard practice to get into, because it requires fighting executive dysfunction and social anxiety and depression to reach out even when I don't feel like it.

But I have frequently not done this, and people have died suddenly, and I have felt so guilty for not having sent those messages. Many, many loved ones right now are suddenly seriously ill or abruptly gone. And I can't afford to not send every loving message that pops into my head because the grief and guilt are just too much the way it stands.

When faced with that stick, it's much easier to pursue the carrot.

I have felt very alone and very grief-stricken for a long time, and so have many of us. COVID is just the latest upheaval and tragedy in many people's lives. We're almost numb to fear and grief, but not quite. We're just full up. But we are not alone, and it's up to us to remind other people that they aren't either. As we show love, so we shall be shown love.

So right now I am throwing nets wide, throwing love out into the world and reminding the people I like that I care about them. Because I want to forge new relationships, rebuild old ones, and create unity and community with the people around me. What does it matter what form those relationships take, as long as they exist and are nutritious to our hearts and souls?

The world is hard right now, and we can't survive it alone. But together we have a chance, and if we don't start now, when will we?

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

The latest draft chapter for Caramel Skin Under A Purple Rain

The infirmary wasn’t a fun place at the best of times. Keith’s instincts left his husband cranky and brooding, sitting in the corner of the room Lance was now occupying for the next few nights. Krolia was sitting in the visitors chair beside his bed, because unlike Keith, she could keep her temper. Poking had turned to prodding, prodding had turned to scans, scans had turned to an IV and a monitor strapped across his stomach. That led to Veronica interrupting their “family” moment, his sister now sitting on the end of his bed as she talked to their mother, angry that Kosmo had stolen the prime position. Kosmo listened to no one. He was his own wolf. He was his own wolf that was laying up along his side with his head on Lance’s shoulder. Veronica had tried scolding him, telling Lance to scold him, “ordering” Keith to evict him off the bed because it couldn’t possibly be good for him or the twins... She’d even tried sitting on the edge of the bed and forcing him off, nothing had worked. Lance was secretly glad it hadn’t. He’d missed his dopey wolf, and from the look of it, Kosmo had missed him too. “Lance, Mami wants to talk to you” Rising from her chair Krolia held her hand out for Veronica’s comms. Lance wasn’t able to move due to Kosmo, not that he wanted to move “Krolia, the call is for Lance” “I don’t see you moving to pass him your comms” It was as if two vipers were poised to attack each other. The look in their eyes sent a shiver down his spine. Veronica and Krolia were both strong willed women, that scared him in near equal parts. Narrowing her eyes at Kosmo, he cuddled his baby boy closer, knowing he was about to the object of her anger “How can I with that wolf there?” “Gracious. Here I thought both sides of the bed were accessible. Kosmo, you seemed to have grown larger than you appear” “I’m his brother” “Kosmo’s? I thought you were Lance’s older sister” As the invisible sparks flew, Lance kind of wished he was sulking in the corner with Keith. Veronica was scary enough without being provoked. Krolia had thoroughly burned his sister, cruelly if he was asked. Though, it was only cruel because he couldn’t laugh. His mother-in-law sounded as if she’d been part of the family for decades. “Veronica! Pass the comms to Krolia! I can’t see anything!” “You wanted to talk to Lance” “And I still do. Now pass the comm to Krolia. I know she’s grown up enough not be upset over a wolf” Ooooh. His mother was in fine form too. Veronica very nearly snapped her comms as she set her jaw and handed the device to Krolia with a cool glare. Ignoring her, Krolia smiled brightly as she settled back down. From where he was propped up, he could see his mother’s anxious face “Krolia! Dear, how is he?” “We’ve settled him in the infirmary for now. Minor hiccup with morning sickness. We’re going to run a series of allergy tests as he’s having trouble keeping things down. Simply precautionary. The twins are being monitored, but things are much as they were when we spoke. Only, he’s awake now” “Thank goodness. I’ve been wondering if I should come. But what can one dottering old lady do” “Now, now, Miriam. You look amazing. Five children and that figure...” His mother giggled. Honest to God, giggled. What the quiznak was going on here? “Krolia, we both know a few things are below the belt by now” “I refuse to believe it. I’ll pass you over to Lance now” “Thank you. I’m sorry about Veronica. Lord only knows where she gets her stubbornness from” From his Mami. Veronica’s stubbornness was one hundred per cent from their Mami “It’s perfectly fine, Miriam. Young pups have their moment” Veronica had no idea she’d just been called a baby. Lance sucking in his lips at the insult. Krolia knew he was struggling, so she threw in a wink. Laughter bubbled up as he took Veronica’s comms from Krolia. Personally, he didn’t think he needed all this fuss over morning sickness, but there was no stopping Krolia. Tilting the comms to his face, his mother set her face in “mum mode” “What did you do this time?” “Hi, Mami. I’m ok. Twins are great. Keith says hi” “Lance. You’re pregnant, you shouldn’t be picking fights” Nope. She was pissed. Her expression didn’t change the slightest “Mami, I wasn’t picking a fight. I was defending myself” “I’ve read. I’ve had Marco calling daily for updates. Your team wanted to storm Daibazaal and take you away from there. I bet you haven’t called poor Daehra, have you? Do they know who’s responsible yet?” “No, Mami. It’s complicated. I’ve been sleeping off the pod, and now Krolia is channeling you. The cast’s off my leg, knee all healed up” “And what if you didn’t have access to the pod? What if you were stuck healing the normal way? Did our Keith have his foot looked at? Don’t tell me you’ve both been neglecting your health” Lance rolled his eyes, swapping to Spanish simply because Keith didn’t know Spanish “Mami, he’s fine. Daehra fixed it right up. I’m ok too. Krolia suggested that I might have developed an allergy. I didn’t know that was a thing. I’m good. I’ve been out to talk to my therapist. I’m safe with Keith and Kosmo. I know you’re going to tell me to go back home, but I’m fine. Had a scan about half an hour ago, both twins still intact” “You need to be careful. Your health has been so fragile. I really do wish you’d consider coming back home. I worry for you, and for Keith” “I can’t Mami. The coalition is sending us on a publicity tour... I may have upset them” “Did they do this? Did they hurt you and my grand-babies? Do I need to talk to them? How many people have you upset?” Lance let out a sigh “Mami, if I started listing everyone who wanted me dead... it’s better you don’t think about that. I have some new twin scans to send you, or Krolia can of you message her. And tell Marco to call me if he wants to talk to me. I didn’t have a chance to call Daehra. The second Keith saw I was awake, it’s been one thing after another. They’ve put me on an anti-nausea thing...” Against his wishes. Keith didn’t even try to back him up. He was too busy being mad and glaring at all the medical staff “... Besides, they want me to stay here because of the pods” “Why must you get into so much trouble?” “I wasn’t getting into trouble when I was at the outpost” “Don’t give me that, Lance. The only thing that’s changed is that you cannot get away with things” “Hey! I’ve been on my best behaviour” “Says the man who hid from his mother that he could fall pregnant” “Of course I hide things from you. I don’t want you to worry any more than you have to” “Do not take that tone with me, Mijo. I am well aware I would probably faint on the spot if I knew half of what you did” “I was attacked going to the bathroom” “Why were you going to the bathroom alone?” “Because after 23ish years of existence, I know how to pee alone” “Why wasn’t Keith with you?” “Because he doesn’t need to hold my hand” “Obviously he does” “He was supposed to be getting his humanitarian award. He was on stage with Krolia. Mami, I want you to be careful. If this is related to Kre’el, they could go after you” “Do you believe it’s related?” Lance paused. No. He honestly didn’t... not that he knew exactly who was “I can’t say and that worries me” “We’ll be safe, Mijo. You stay safe. My heart couldn’t take it if I lost you” “Mami, I’m being safe... I am. This is all Krolia overreacting” “Krolia doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman who’d overreact. If you need me to come, I will” “No. No, Mami. It was a fight that got out of hand. And you know how I feel about the coalition” His mother sighed deeply. He may or may not have yelled at her more than once that he wanted nothing to do with them, and that they could shove their job offers where God’s light didn’t shine... “Mijo, if you’re not comfortable with this, then step back. You don’t have to turn yourself into a public spectacle” “I do, Mami. People need something to believe in. Allura gave her life for peace, and they’ve brought stability, even if I don’t agree with their methods. If they’re lost, then someone else is going to step up. I’m not doing this for them. I’m doing it for Keith and his dream of the Galra no longer being feared and hated. I’m doing this for our children. I’m so sick of it all, Mami. I didn’t go looking for this fight. I’m tired of my name being used to spread all these lies. I’m the useless and disgraced Paladin, and I’m sorry you’ve been caught up in it... we had a good run. 5 phoebs before it all went downhill” “Oh, Mijo. Is Keith there? Can I talk to him?” “If you’re going to dob me into him, I’d rather not. He’s been having a mental breakdown since everything happened. Everyone’s fussing way too much, and he’s not ok” “Someone has to fuss. Now put him on for me” Lance sighed to himself “Make the pregnant person do all the hard work...” “I am and I will. You brought this upon yourself” “Thanks, Mami. Nice to know you love me” “I do. We do. We all do” Lance raised an eyebrow “I would bet you GAC that Rachel isn’t rushing to tell me she loves me” His mother’s expression changed at his sister name. Rachel must now know he was pregnant and not pleased at all over the news “Rachel will when she’s calmed down. Now pass me over to Keith” “Keith, Mami wants to talk to you” Holding out the comms, Keith eyed it as if it was something toxic, mouthing at him “why me?”. At least, that’s what Lance thought he was mouthing. Waving the comms, his husband remained seated until Lance glared at him. Dragging himself up, Keith snatched the comms from him, stalking through the infirmary room then out the door “He does realise that’s my comms, doesn’t he?” Lance shrugged. Mami was a woman on a mission “It’s Mami. Do you want to tell her that she can’t talk to her favourite son?” “You’re the “prodigal son”. As long as you’re safe and well, it doesn’t matter how much you worry everyone around you” “And you’re acting like a bitch. I don’t know why we keep having this fight, V. I’m your brother. You know I didn’t pick this fight. You’re so much like Marco that it’s laughable. You both lash out when you’re worried, only making both of us feel shit. Yeah, I lied to you. I kept things from you. But that’s because I’m sick of being treated as anything other than normal. I get that I’m a freak, but you’re my big sister. I always knew you had my back. I’ve ruined and disappointed our family enough. I don’t even know why any of this happened. I don’t want to be in the news for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to live at my outpost and be left alone. Somewhere you screwed up little brother wouldn’t cause you any more embarrassment” Veronica pushes her glasses back up her nose “It’s not that! We were so close and you hid it from me. I thought you trusted me. I want you to come to me... I don’t want any of this for you either. But I don’t understand... I could have been there with you. I would have been there with you” “For which bit? There’s a lot that’s happened. I don’t want to always be calling when things have gone wrong. I can handle things when I’m alone, V. It’s when other people are involved that it becomes complicated” The machine behind him let out a series of beeps, both he and Veronica looking to Krolia for an explanation “Your blood pressure just rose. I think it’s best you both admit that you’ve each stuffed up, but that you each love each other and call it a day. Both of you should know better, you’re acting like a pair of pups” Lance ducked his head, Veronica was wearing an expression as if she’d been sucking on a lemon “Sorry, Mumma K. V, you should go. I’m ok. I’m hooked up to these machines, and all I’m gonna be doing is eating and drinking to see what I can keep down” He hadn’t kept down the ginger tea. The scent had made him more nauseous, the taste was like drinking battery acid, or how he imagined it would taste. Following up with food, the spread of bread, soup and fruit... He’d managed a little of the bread, the soup tasted wrong and the consistency of the fruit was hard and chewy. His gums started bleeding thanks to the fruit, Keith started panicking over the blood. Lance ended up choking on some space version of a pineapple chunk as Keith tried to fuss and baby him while he coughed painfully from the feeling of the fruit, Krolia saved him from his panicking husband and now they were here. There was some kind of condition that wasn’t simple morning sickness, Krolia was worried he had it, but Daehra hadn’t diagnosed him so he doubted that he did. Krolia trusted Daibazaal’s medics, Lance didn’t. Nonetheless, he was sure it was on the test list... A completely useless test list. He’d been in a pod. There wasn’t a whole lot that could possibly be wrong with him. A little nausea wasn’t going to kill him, all this was providing to be was a major stressor for Keith, which in turn was raising his own stress levels, because he feared for his husband “Krolia, can you tell Keith we need to talk. He might be hiding outside” “I expect he’s still talking to Miriam, but I will notify him. You get some rest. I’ll be back later and you better believe I’ll know if you haven’t” “I’m behaving. V, you can head off too. I’m fine. This is one huge overreaction” Veronica shot him a glare “Your health is nothing to be joked about. You need to be careful. And don’t think I’m not still upset over your seizures, let alone your pregnancy. You have far too many secrets and I’m going to get to the bottom of it all” “If keeping my secrets means having you hate me for the rest of my life, then I know what I’m choosing. I love you, V, but it’s better this way” “And you’re my brother. You’ve got to stop ending up here” “I know. Now go. Go make the most of your time with Acxa. We’re all about to get a whole lot busier” Veronica climbed off the end of the bed, she seemed as if she was going to hug him, but was disused by Kosmo’s hulking mass. Within a few ticks, both she and Krolia were gone and Lance finally had 5 ticks to himself to think. * Standing in the corridor beside Lance’s room, Keith had his back against the smooth grey stone as he stared down at Veronica’s comms. Miriam was worried about him. Mami was so worried about both of them that she’d asked Keith to bring Lance home to Cuba if he wasn’t coping, or if Keith felt he was no longer able to care for Lance. Anger bled into frustration, that bled into self annoyance. He was trying his best... but he was exhausted. His instincts were being stupid, and that apology he owed Lance seemed to be stuck in his throat. Lance suspected Krystaal of being behind everything that happened, leaving him quiznakking pissed that his husband could be so petty and jealous... the same feelings that Shiro and Lance’s new found closeness had spurred within him. He might be mad, but it was himself that he was mad at... and maybe a bit with Mami. Lance should have been safe to go to the bathroom alone. He should have been there to make sure he was. Not stuck on some stage he didn’t want to be on. They’d been spending so much time together, but... he didn’t know what he kept doing wrong. Lance was very clearly mad at him when they were back in their room... and Keith wasn’t sure why. His husband had finally woken after sleeping off the pod’s affects. He hadn’t said anything “wrong” that he could think of. The feelings in his heart were a kin to standing by the door to the principals office, only this time he had no idea what he’d done wrong. He hadn’t gotten into a fight. He hadn’t stolen anything, or acted out. He couldn’t help it that he didn’t understand... He was trying his best. Ignoring the slight grating noise that accompanied the door to Lance’s room sliding open, Keith could tell from the scents alone that it was Veronica and Krolia. Holding out Veronica’s comms, the device was taken from his hand. His sister-in-law not saying anything as she took it and left. Placing her hand on his hair, Krolia ruffled it lightly “You know he’s ok. He’s only here because of the allergy test, and the risk of that drug, impacting the twins. He said he wants to talk to you” About what? He didn’t want to talk if it only led to another fight... His instincts were exhausting. Keith wasn’t sure they wouldn’t flare. He’d screwed up royally by taking Lance from the infirmary in the first place... He wouldn’t be back in the infirmary only vargas after waking if he hadn’t been so hot headed “Maybe I should let him sleep?” “Get in there and talk to your husband already” Dragging his feet, Keith fought against his instincts as he headed back into the infirmary room. Lance was still cuddled into Kosmo, Kosmo’s tail thumping as he scratched under his chin “Mum said you wanted to talk?” Lance nodded, stopping his scratches as he did. Huffing as it was the end of the world, Kosmo slumped down like he knew that scratches had to come to end so his two humans could talk “Yeah. You going to hide in the corner again? It looks like a nice corner” Keith glanced to the corner he’d been “hiding” in, it was a pretty nice corner... “Babe, come on. I’m joking. Here, Kosmo’s claimed this side but I’ve got space up here and I thought we could talk” His instincts said “Yes!”, his feet however said “no”. The best he could manage was an awkward shuffling of his feet. Lance biting his lip before he shook his head, forcing a fake smile to his lips. Fuck... if that wasn’t a kick in the heart. He hated that smile with all the power of the burning sun... or suns... every single sun they’d ever passed “It’s ok. I thought we should talk, but if you want to go then that’s okay. I’m going to be here a few days, so whenever’s fine” “I fucked up. I couldn’t handle you being in here. I took you back to our room and now we’re back here, because I fucked up. I didn’t listen to you. I laughed in your face when you got that letter and I didn’t listen. You were seriously shaken, and I thought it was one of your nightmares. You were scared and I shot you down. Every time I shot you down. You said this was a possibility, and I should have listened. No wonder you went and talked to Shiro. It’s my fault that you ended up in here. Mami’s probably right. I told her I’d protect you, and instead you’re back here again because I thought I was doing the right thing taking you back to our room. I didn’t want you in here with other people. What if you’d lost the twins. That would have been my fault. You could have been killed, and I was up on that stage. Fuck, Lance, I don’t know what to do. Your health’s all over the place. Someone wants to hurt you. You’re pregnant and I keep losing my temper. I’ve got no idea what to do. We’ve got to go on this tour. You’re pregnant. We’ve got twins on the way. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You have no idea how much blood there was. I don’t even understand how you’re still pregnant. I don’t understand any of this pregnancy things. How do you suddenly have allergies? Have you always had allergies? Do the twins have allergies?” The more Keith spoke, the faster the words came out. He was deaf to most of it, speaking out of fear. Word vomiting out of fear. Word after word turning into a jumble as messy and tangled as his emotions. He had no idea what was up, or what was down. His heartbeat was pounding in his ears as he stumbled as if drunk, taking one step back and one to the side, he threw up, then promptly fainted on the spot. Scaring the absolute quiznak out of Lance as he did. * When Keith came too, he was seated in Lance’s lap. His face against his husband’s neck as Lance’s fingertips massaged his scalp. Wrinkling his face, his mouth tasted revolting. He didn’t remember how he’d ended up on the hard floor, but Lance was hushing him softly. Kissing his temple, Lance sighed softly against him “Hello, sleepy. Nice to have you back in the land of the conscious” “What happened?” “You pulled a “me”. Had a spectacular panic attack, then fainted. Krolia wasn’t too far away, Kosmo rounded her up. And we’ve been sitting here on the bed like this for the last varga or so” Keith groaned. He didn’t remember panicking... He didn’t really remember much after Lance smiled so horribly... they were on the bed? Then why was it so quiznakking hard? “Why does my mouth feel gross?” “You threw up. How do you feel? Are you tired? I didn’t want to move you until you woke up. Krolia left you to me, not that I mind” For his pregnant husband to have been sitting there for the last varga... it made him feel shitty... “You should have just sat me in the corner” “Nah. I wasn’t sure this would work, but it’s what you do for me, so I thought it’d help keep you grounded when you woke” Lance’s fingertips felt amazing against his head. Keith couldn’t deny his head didn’t feel weird... kind of empty, as if he was mentally drained and definitely disorientated “Thanks...” Nuzzling into his husband’s neck, Keith sighed softly. Kissing his temple again, Lance nuzzled him back ���Pidge will be back soon, do you want to stay in my lap or lay beside me?” “Pidge?” “She came by while you were sleeping. Screamed and everything” “She screamed?” “She thought you were... straddling my lap for another reason” “Pidge thought you were...” “Yep” “Ugh. In the infirmary?” “Yep. Pretty much. She calmed down when she realised you weren’t actually moving and still had pants on. I told her you fell asleep. You’re probably exhausted from not just your attack, but looking after me too” “I’m fine” Lance laughed softly, though it wasn’t in humour “Babe, you’re not fine. I said we need to talk, and you panicked. It can wait though. It’s a crappy feeling when you’re coming out of an attack and you’re being made to think” “‘m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you” “It wasn’t your job to. Your job was to be on stage, not to worry about me. If anyone should be worrying, it’s me about you. Panic attacks are awful. I think it’d do you some good to talk to To’ral” “I’m fine. I didn’t mean to scare you” “You’re scared. I know you���re scared. You’re trapped in your head thinking things over and over. I do it too. Take a few deep breaths, and stay here. You saw the scans. The pod fixed the damage right up. Your pups are still safe and healthy, being monitored until the drug is out my system. You need to let yourself rest” “I’m still sorry” He was. He truly was sorry he’d ignored the signs out of a desperate need to believe that Kre’el was firmly behind them. He was truly sorry that Lance had been attacked. He was sorry that he’d taken his husband from the infirmary too soon, endangering Lance’s life, and that of their twins “It’s ok. It’s ok and I’m here. I’ve got you, Keith. I’ve got you” Keith remained curled into his husband until Pidge returned... with Hunk. Hunk seemed flustered, hanging in the background as Keith moved carefully from Lance’s lap to lay at his side. His arm wrapped around his husband with his head resting on his shoulder so he could see Pidge. Armed with her holopad, the previous green Paladin went to work tapping on the screen while Hunk moved to take the seat in the corner, his movies clumsy with nerves. The space felt awkward to him. Their friends felt like intruders. Lance’s stomach was wired up, evident from the wires snaked out from under his semi-risen gown. The blankets in his lap and his sweats giving him at least some level of modesty. “Keith, I can feel you glaring” Hugging him tighter, Lance snorted at Pidge’s comment. Keith felt stupid as quiznak as he hid behind his pregnant husband, but it wasn’t his fault he hardly felt like socialising “It’s kind of his thing, remember. Dark. Broody. Emo... You know, he hasn’t changed that much in the last decade. Did Krolia fill you in on my theory?” “For a dumbarse, you’re pretty smart. She sent me the data from the thermal cameras, and you were right. There was a second person at the scene. They cloaked themselves against the scanners, but they still left residual heat signatures on the door edge where they touched it. We weren’t looking for it, because of how your attacker moved, and the fact he was drugged before the attack. When he showed up shot in the head, that should have raised more red-flags, but I was busy worrying about your idiot arse. How did you end up back here?” “Allergies” Pidge wrinkled her nose “Thanks to a certain someone, I’ve been reading up on pregnancy. I didn’t even know you could develop allergies while pregnant. Have they told you what yet?” “What I’m allergic to? No. It’s a theory Krolia is forcing me to pursue in this stylish room. I have to say, I’m sick of hospitals” “I’m sick of you being in them. How are my minions? Still baking?” “Yep. Pod healed them right up. The minion carrier is also alright” “Excellent. I can’t have an army of minions without said minions. I still can’t believe you’re pregnant” “Surprise?” Pidge laughed as she continued to tap on her screen. Keith felt his instincts rile at Pidge’s teasing, nuzzling harder into Lance as he tried to squash them back down “I still have questions, but seeing you got your arse handed to you, I’ll play nice for now” “Nawww. Were you worried?” “Pffft. No. But if you do it again, you won’t have some secret gang after you” “Understood, Pigeon. What other news have you got for me? I’m so out of the loop that the loops falling asleep on me” Wrinkling her nose, Pidge shook her head “I don’t need to know whom does what bit to whom” “Coming from the woman who thought Keith and I were having sex here. Trust me...” Pidge covered her ears, Lance shutting up immediately “I said I’m sorry! You two already made babies so we know you can’t keep it in your pants” “You don’t have to take your pants off...” “I think I liked it better when you were in the pod!” Growling at Pidge, Lance jabbed him in the ribs. Keith didn’t appreciate the gesture. He knew Lance was no where near as comfortable with Pidge being there as he was acting. He knew that Hunk’s presence wasn’t welcomed either, and that his husband was simply playing the bigger man by not raising a fuss or making a scene. Technically he had no reason to be mad at the pair, especially when he hoped Lance would reconnect with them, but that didn’t mean they needed to do it while Lance was confined to the infirmary wing of the palace “Ignore him, Pidge. It’s a Galra thing. Are you coming on tour with us?” “Nope. New students are coming into the garrison for the start of the second semester. I’m not having one of them risk my experiments” “Gotta defend that lab of yours” “Yep. They forced me to take on a second assistant. They were useless. I mean, worse than you with the “techno-babble”. If it’s in my lab, that means you don’t touch it. Even if I let you touch it, it’s not alright. Let alone when they get it into their heads they have to clean my lab. Can’t a girl leave parts around without someone deciding that maybe “the floor should be cleared of all trip hazards”. Iverson suggested teaching, but how do you train monkeys who’s only enjoyment in life is ruining mine?” “Sucks to be you. You could branch out on your own” “Try telling my mother that. Hunk and Shay are going. Though from the sound of it, it’s mostly going to be Keith’s team, you guys, Krolia, Shiro and Curtis that actually visit wherever the coalitions decided. Sucks to be you” “Touché, gremlin. Think of all that tech we’re gonna see without you” “It hurts, but if it means not seeing you two being gross than I’ll survive” “You’re just jealous” Rolling her eyes, Pidge climbed out the of the visitors chair “No offence Keith, but Lance you’re the only person in the universe who’d marry him. You can keep him. And because I’m a great friend, I sent you the thermal recordings and related data. If you ever pull something like that again, I’m going to kick your arse myself” “Awwww, I knew you cared about me. Thanks for this, Pidge. It’d be nice to know who’s after me this time and why. At least space pirates have the decency to attack me for a reason” “Don’t think I won’t turn into one if you get hurt again” “That genuinely scares me” “I’ll come back and visit you again when Keith isn’t giving me death stares” “Ignore him. That’s what I do” Pidge laughed, behind him there was a scraping as Hunk climbed to his feet. Walking over to Pidge, he was nervously wringing his hands, his eyes flicking towards them before he opened his mouth and closed it, then following Pidge when she gave a wave and headed out. When the door closed behind them, Lance let out a sigh. The rigidity in his limbs loosening as he half rolled towards him. Tilting his head up, Keith stole a soft kiss from his husband, Lance closing his eyes as he tried to wrap his arms around him. Shifting to accomodate Lance’s stomach, they wound up nuzzling into each other’s cheeks, Lance’s voice a whisper “You ok, babe?” “I should be asking you that” “I’m getting there. I’m more worried about you right now” “I’m ok. Sorry about my instincts...” “I could smell your anger. I know you want to protect me, but we’re going to need to work this anger out” “I know... I’m sorry for making you so uncomfortable” “By knocking me up, or with your “cranky pants” scent?” “Either. Either. Both... I don’t know what I’m doing anymore” Choking softly on the emotions welling, Keith closed his eyes. This panic attack business really quiznakking sucked. He didn’t prefer Lance to be the one having the attack, but I felt out of his depths to handle his own. Kissing his cheek, Lance’s right hand found his left, interlacing their fingers together lightly “I don’t know what I’m doing either... I’m sorry for falling pregnant...” “Don’t... don’t apologise and don’t blame yourself. At the moment, these twins... they’re our future. I don’t want to keep fucking up” “We both fuck up semi-regularly. It’s kind of our thing. Technically we didn’t even know we were married” “But when I fuck up... you end up hurt. I’m so sick of you being hurt. I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of you crying. I’m sick of making you cry” “Shhh... You’re going to push yourself into another attack” Keith didn’t care if he did. He didn’t remember what he’d said to Lance, only that Lance was handling things too well which had to mean something else was on his mind so he was attempting to distract himself “Why can’t I get it right with you?” “That’s enough, babe” Lance’s voice was gentle yet firm, Keith wasn’t about to have him have the last word. He was too emotionally drained, speaking freely much like Lance did when he was tired “It’s... it’s all so complicated. When everyone’s around, they’re always there. I like it better when they aren’t” “It’s still hard to be around them... Hunk didn’t say a word. He’s probably revolted still... they’re supposed to be our friends. We have to try...” “I’m too tired to try” Keith was too tired to do much of anything. All he wanted was a world of their own. Where he could live up to his personal promise to protect his husband, no matter when or from whom... even the times he’d protected Lance from himself didn’t way on him the way this attack had “You don’t get to give up. It’s been a quiznakkingly awful return, but we’re ok. We’ll do this stupid tour. Then I want to go home. This exhaustion. I feel it all the time. The constant judging. The constant wondering if you’re doing the right thing. If you’ve said something stupid. Done the wrong thing. Wondering how messed up your head is. If they can see how scared and messed up you are about being around them” “Then why are you still here?” Lance’s sigh bordered on a groan “Because our marriage was falling apart. I was falling apart. I wanted to make it work with you, because for some unknown fucking reason I still love you. But if you ever, ever, treat me like you did, accusing me of cheating, making me feel like a whore, making me feel like a dirty disgusting vile thing for being too upset to tell you I needed to go see my therapist, I’m going to leave. I am going to leave and I won’t be coming back. I don’t blame you for taking me back to your room. The fact I’m here again isn’t your fault. I’m here because allergies are apparently a thing, like I told Pidge. I’m here because I’m a fucked up junkie and someone knows. They shot me up and it could still hurt our twins. That’s why I’m here. Now just shut up already and give me cuddles because you’re exhausted and I’m done with everyone that’s not you or Kosmo... or Krolia. Mumma K can stay. Shiro’s alright, so is Curtis. Everyone else, I’m done. The way people carry on, it’s like they’ve never met a pregnant person before. I’m so fucking done” Lance’s words were hardly comforting or soothing, something that didn’t match the intimacy of their position. His husband’s anger seemed to catch in his nose, and the way his voice didn’t waver was enough to tell Keith that Lance meant every word of it. It also told him it was better to “shut up” now, and let his husband’s anger fade rather than pushing or stepping on some unknown mine that would send them into another fight. The fact that Lance was threatening to leave tugged heavily on his heart. Maybe if he’d remained silent, his husband wouldn’t have snapped like this... although, he also supposed that Lance had reached the end of his emotional rope long before the incident and was finally putting his needs first instead of going along with everyone else’s plans and desires... but then again, Lance had asked about the planned coalition tour... so maybe that was what had set him off this time? Caused him to snap, because Pidge had laughed at the issue? His mind was no better than food goop in his head. Everything felt all blended together... too blended together for him to hope to part. Kissing his husband and telling him how much he loved him would simply be an insult if he was to do it now... but he didn’t know how to do any of this, or how things would proceed. Scrunching his eyes against the unwanted tears emotional exhaustion had caused, he clung to Lance for dear life, because, right now, what else could he do?

[dangerouslyfantasticwizard]

How am I feeling?

My relationship with mental health.

I wanted to pen a little something to help shine a light on the big messy swirl that is my mind.

I have been depressed for a number of years, clinically diagnosed in around 2009 but I can’t tell you when it really started, and I agree with the idiom “It never gets better, it just gets easier".

I have struggled on and off for as far back as I can remember, my parents divorce being a pivotal moment but only a small cog in the machine that ultimately lead me to here and now, sitting on the bathroom floor crying into some toilet roll because of the latest brick that was pulled out of the fresh mind-set that I was trying to build in my mind.

The second notable incident began in 2011, but he didn’t show himself until 2012.

Becoming a teenage parent is hard, and keeping another real life human alive is tough. Especially when you have a complicated relationship with the mother. We didn’t stay together for long after he was born, but we stayed close. It was a tough time for both of us and she was building on top of her own series of poor experiences that made her the person that she was. Neither of us had had it particularly easy, but she was dealt a hand worse than mine from the start.

This took its toll on my studies, as you can imagine, and I didn’t grade particularly highly at A Level. The combination of young child, my age and my poor grades formed a clear path for me. I was to go straight into work.

I juggled through various jobs, some much better than others, and did some pretty wonderful things. I was never truly happy in any one job and my home life never got any easier. The relationship that my sons mum and I had became increasingly difficult as we both tried to see other people and raise a child together as closely as we could. There were arguments, fights, slanging matches, I was banned from my sons 2nd birthday party, I collapsed in tears on multiple occasions and overall my life didn’t feel particularly worth it. I lost my friends, I rarely saw my family.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything, but the situations I often found myself in because of the circumstances were not healthy places to be in.

I continued to jump through jobs building my skills and eventually settled into an industry I thought I liked. Until the stress made me ill.

My old friends reached out to me and I began being sociable again. That was quite an important thing for me as it helped me bounce back and had sounding boards to discuss my life with. Regaining my best friend from school was a real blessing. And then I gained a whole new group of friends scattered across the globe growing year on year, the Lost Legion. They have always been by my side in times of need and they are so precious to me.

So, I jump again from a job that makes me ill to a job that makes me regret waking up in the morning. I’ve never clock watched so much in my life. Thankfully it wasn’t long lived but during those 6 months there were many, many dramas involving my son and the circumstances around it.

Coparenting is hard and I believe that even people that praise us for our parenting style don’t quite understand what we go through. The relationships that have suffered because we try to do what’s best for our son are numerous. Coparenting for us is all about sharing parental responsibilities and acting as a family unit to show that our love for him overcomes any personal feelings we may have. This means that, ultimately, we have minor influences over each other’s lives. If we believe something is best for him we will work together to achieve it and sometimes that means making sacrifices and supporting each other. Two people with very poor mental health can lead to an element of “chipping in" when required to alleviate the pain that the person is dealing with. We both require parental getaways from time to time and we work to make it work.

This sometimes makes it difficult to hold down effective relationships as our partners feel they are being treated as second best to my ex. This couldn’t be further from the truth and maybe one day I will find a way to make them see. It's also something that I know will get easier as my son gets older. He's not far off 8 years old and it won't be too long before he can choose as and when he wants to see me and he can have jnout on how it all works.

Anyway, I jump around a bit further. At this particular point in the story I had remained single since the birth of my son. The loneliness wasn't easy at all. No matter how many friends or family members I surrounded myself with I still felt alone. Many questionable decisions were made including some that I am certainly not proud of. As you can probably imagine, this did not help the state of my mental health. Being alone is a dangerous feeling.

One thing I haven't covered is my confidence. As a natural born introvert I always struggled to make friends and express myself. This went hand in hand with the struggle that is being bisexual (biphobia is real and awful). I also enjoy make up, traditionally-female clothing and generally being a big queer. I was raised in a liberal family in a rather neglected bigotted environment so this was very very difficult to develop with and thus expressing myself was hard. Feelings had to be repressed from an early age and only recently have I felt more free to express them.

Skipping forwards to mid-2019. I had a job that I enjoy, a girlfriend that I adored that made me so unbelievably comfortable in my own skin. Everything was looking up. Until I received news that multiple very close members of my family had been diagnosed with cancer. Some of them are fine now, but there is a goodbye that I will have to bring myself to make in the very near future.

This caused my world to yet again come crashing down and begin a snowball that was only going to get bigger and bigger. My work studies are suffering, my social life is always hit and miss, my regular depression has moved out and the joy of SADs has moved in.

I am now single, facing a big family goodbye and so far behind in my work that I called my boss to apologise and broke down on the phone to her. All while doing my best to keep a smile for my son.

I don't want him to know that his daddy is falling apart.

Now, of course, I've skipped over many details and avoided particular mental breakdowns. Of course I still love my son and of course I utterly, desperately want my girlfriend back, and my finances are a horrific shambles for somebody that works in finance. But this isn't about any of that.

This post is about something else. Something that many people have done for me.

Checked in.

They've messaged me at night, and in the morning and at regular intervals to make sure that I don't make any foolish decisions.

I know what decision they're trying to avoid me taking, and I'd by lying if I said I hadn't thought about it, but that's not what I really want.

I've thought about taking my own life a few times since 2009, all for very different reasons. But I don't just want the pain to stop.

I want to live.

I want to grow old with somebody and watch my son live his dreams. I want to finish reading my books. I want to see how The Good Place ends. I want to see the people I love thrive.

Suicide isn't an option I have given myself. It's a locked door with no key. I'm far too curious as to what next year will bring to just end it all. Too many people I know have tried or have succeeded and I know the pain it causes.

So basically, I'll be fine, but I appreciate the concern.

I might update this post as I continue to explore my feelings, but here it is for now.

Things I haven't mentioned: Holding hands through miscarriages, other breakups, abuse, anorexia, anxiety attacks, other family issues etc.

[tara-l-blackmore]

....

Today was... just awful.

I'm going to be complaining. If you don't want to read it, PLEASE STOP NOW AND SCROLL DOWN.

...okay, we good? Last chance.

...

.......

Okay.

I had a great evening with Terry, after a couple of days of minor marriagey mishaps. I fell asleep happy.

But I woke up screaming.

Yep. Once again, I was plagued by sleep-paralysis, which translated to dying in my dream, which resulted in me screaming my lungs out at 0830 on a Friday morning.

I couldn't get back to sleep. I wanted to - I felt like shit - but I couldn't. I had no energy to talk to anyone, even the people I need and want to talk to on a daily basis, all morning.

By the time I was medicated enough to walk around, my phone crashed. I got locked out of every single fucking App except Twitter and YouTube (conspiracy???), all because of an "Hub update". And even when I clicked the stupid fucking bullshit update button, it spent over a fucking hour telling me "Update Pending". FUCKING DO IT NOW!!!

I missed talking to everyone, save @anglejoyce , and even then, my phone crashed again in the middle of our convo.

And I crashed with it. I broke down. I cried and cried over it.

It wasn't the phone. Because the easy solution was always there: use the fucking laptop instead, moron.

But I forgot.

Because the phone was the catalyst to the bullshit fest that rained on me after that. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't write, I couldn't draw, I couldn't talk.

I just sat there and cried into my knees, the phone at my feet and still glitching the fuck out.

I felt empty. Scared. Lonely and afraid. Like I could hear my body deteriorating, disintegrating... decomposing...

I broke, because I can't control what I want to be able to control.

And that's the problem.

Because it's impossible to control everything, even stuff that I should be able to control. I haven't been in control since 2010.

It broke me.

It hurt.

And I didn't say a word to anyone, because I'd already concluded that I did not deserve to talk to anyone. Simply because I had lost control, and was unable to shut that self-loathing voice up. I deprived myself of people I love to punish myself, because I felt that those people deserve better than my love.

Even now, I'm struggling. Even as I sit on the couch, one bought specifically for my ailing body, in a home specifically purchased and furnished for me (I know this, because Terry admitted it), watching the person I married cuddle our cat to his chest like a baby he loves, a cat he took in before I even moved in, because he was a menace to my mum and had to go.

I'm... very, very lucky. And also unlucky.

And I think...

I hate myself for it.

I hate myself, for getting sick; for needing my appendix out; for the pain I got as a result, one I feel every day; for the gallbladder I never should've removed; for marrying the one person in the world who understands me the most, who is so generous and kind, who makes me want for nothing; for being ugly; for smoking and getting high; for needing countless drugs to make my body function at bare minimum; for not being a good friend; for not being able to fix everyone's problems; for always being the queer one, the weird one, the one everyone gets off beating up...

I could go on forever, fill a book about why I hate myself. I have even been encouraged to do that, but I'm too terrified, because I know how bad that hate is, and how cruel I am to myself.

But it has to stop.

I can't live like this, anymore. I can't. I can't live with looking in the mirror and seeing an enemy. I want to look in the mirror and see someone I love. I want to be confident. I want to stop giving a fuck about body hair, or my teeth, or my big nose, or my myriad skin conditions, or my ability to sweat simply by thinking about moving...

I want to look into people's eyes, and not see them flinch. I never want to see anyone turn their mind off when talking to me. I never want to have to cry and cry and cry when they leave, because they soon agreed with the vitriol I spouted about myself...

I want one day, just one fucking day, that doesn't have me thinking any of the following: I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm too fat, I'm too pale, I'm too tall, too weird, too loud, too obsessive, too needy, too hairy, too high...

Or that I don't deserve the following: my pain, my loneliness, my insecurity, my past sexual history, my past romantic history, my past ANYTHING...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, for burdening everyone like this, like I have been for two years. And I don't mean that I'm the burden, anymore. Rather, my hatred of myself is that burden, one I'm constantly asking everyone to look at it, to feel sorry for it, to help fix it...

But that's my job. Nobody can fix anyone but themselves.

I'm lazy.

I'm so lazy that I don't even make an effort to like myself.

I want to be constantly corrected in my fears, just in case, in the span of mere days, the person I'm being redundant to might change their mind, and not like me anymore - without realising that it's that behaviour that makes minds change.

I need to learn to trust, more.

I need to learn to trust MYSELF.

And I figured all of this out because of a phone glitch.

I'm still hurting. Still embarrassed and ashamed of the violence of my breakdown (luckily, I was alone, but unluckily for the neighbours, I was loud). Still not sure if I deserve to try and talk to those people I need and love (you know who you are; if you think it's you, it is. If you don't think it's you, but want it to be, it is).

But... I'm also still trying.

I'm still trying to coax myself into sending emails, or leaving messages (haha, no go, but I'm fucking trying, okay?!), or initiating sex, or asking for a hug, or advice, or a shoulder to scream into, and knowing it's - I'm - not a bother...

But... I think this is important to add, because I know many of you are worried about it (despite my angry self, one I've named Ma'ra, saying you would prefer it), I'm just gonna add this disclaimer, here.

Sometimes, I may have periods of time in which I am suicidal. They are, unfortunately frequent, and often, sadly, daily. There have been moments that I've made plans, and a few times I've written goodbyes. This is the reality of the disease(s) I have.

But I am never going to kill myself.

Lemme repeat: I AM NEVER GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

Because... I may sometimes want to die, but...

I really, really don't want to hurt anyone that way.

I struggle with trying to accept that such a thing would hurt people, but when I reverse the roles with others that I love, I get scared, so scared, too scared. I can't do that to people I love. And if I love them, it stands to reason that they at least like me, and wouldn't want to see me die, let alone in such a sad way.

It's traumatising. For everyone involved. And... to imagine that... when I imagine doing that...

I can't. I fucking can't! Because I don't want to hurt anyone! But I MUST accept that doing that would hurt EVERYONE. This isn't about ego. This is fact.

I... I'm...

I... I am... fffffuck...

I am... loved.

I AM loved.

And I love in return.

Killing myself would be the most hateful, cruel, and despicable crime that I could ever commit, not just to others, but also to myself. To murder myself...

No.

Fucking NO.

No.

...

......

Shit. This got long...

Tl;dr: I had a breakdown but in the middle of writing this had an epiphany and decided I will never commit suicide because I love you and I want to love me, too.

💚

[06-1699vt-blog]

160816

My dad came to see us. The meeting was cut short and all that.

It's been quite a while since I last saw him, but I still felt fear..fear. That really says a lot about him.

I managed to tell him directly that I didn't want to see him. It was hard but I hope I managed to get my message across. If they talk shit about my mum again, I might lose it.

He texted after he stormed out. I don't care. A person that doesn't see what's wrong with himself is someone not worth speaking to. Anyway, I wasn't really effected.

But I wanted to tell someone about the fear I felt. In the end, I couldn't find someone.

Amber wasn't replying and Matt had to go, then Jace and I talked for a bit. Jace is my ex, you see. I wanted to tell him ,but that would be too much information about myself to someone I'm not friends with.

It was his birthday as well, so I didn't want to bring in a heavy topic.

I feel so disappointed that I can't call out to anyone. Everyone has their own troubles and they have no need for my drama. I rule out those who are dealing with some ,but I feel pathetic.

I feel so disappointed that I couldn't tell anyone. Not twitter nor my bestfriend. Celine doesn't read my messages. I'm one of those stored "friends".

My heart feels heavy.

I had a minor breakdown while talking to Jace. That's why I'm writing here.

It's 2:44 now. I really don't have anyone to tell hahahaha

Only my imaginary therapist helps me at this point.

[poetrybyanelf]

My sister misses social cues

Over the years she has copied

Many toxic traits

Not understanding them

And used them with me

I am both her hero and

The one who is always wrong

My sister has crossed all my boundaries

And every time it hurts

The pain building up like a cut

Never allowed to heal

And I would get angry

My mother, would try to quell my anger

By disciplining me for it,

In her effort to maintain harmony

But harmony is not the absence of anger

It is coexisting in a way that every can be happy

My mother had chosen a side,

Whenever she told me off,

And it wasn't mine

For, by demonising my anger and telling me it was wrong,

She had told my sister, her behaviour was appropriate and mine unreasonable

She had told my sister that my anger was an overreaction

To a valid feeling of violation

At the trampling of my boundaries

My reaction was

Something to be corrected

Rather than acknowledged

She had unwittingly allowed

Encouraged even

My sister to continue to ignore

My boundaries

Because she corrected my anger first

Before moving on to consider what I had said

And then, she would ignore it

Because it was only a minor incident

If it had happened just the once

But it was never a one off

I would break down,

Crying and pleading for it to stop

And then they would listen

They would realise how much it had hurt

But it was too late

My boundaries had been pushed further out

My pain was no longer minor

But my sister now saw me telling her,

Her behaviour was wrong

As an overreaction and me being in the wrong

She would now respect my boundary

The ones that I had cried over

But ignore the new one that had gone up beneath her feet

When she had made me so upset

That I had had to cry

As my only recourse

For the pain I felt

And the process would start again

She would cross it

I would get mad

My mum would hate my anger

My sister would copy my mother

In seeing my reaction as wrong

I would breakdown

My boundaries would expand

And back to the top

In an endless cycle

Where she never actually learnt

To respect me as a person

And constantly told me I was in the wrong

For hating it

How she violated the few rules I actually laid down

Willfully ignoring them

For not getting social cues is one thing

But I told her verbally and she still did it

She choose to ignore me

Whenever I told her no, stop

And then wondered why I hated her

Wondered why I wanted nothing to do with her

When I felt so uncomfortable

Just being around her

Expecting her to cross my boundaries

Expecting her to cause me pain

And expecting to be told off for

Crying over it

I want nothing to do with her

Because the only thing she has brought is pain

Yet I am the bad guy

Because I am her hero

I am her older sibling

I should protect her

The one who caused me nothing but pain

The one who ignored me whenever I said no

The one who was allowed to do so

You don't get to tell me I am wrong

For hating her

When she so clearly doesn't respect me

You shouldn't treat anyone this way

My brother and I get along

For the simple fact that I

Respect his boundaries

And he respects mine back

He listens when I tell him no

He stops when I say it hurts

And he treats me as an equal

Someone worthy of respect

Yet I am in the wrong for liking him better

For choosing to spend time with him over her

Why

Why should I spend time with someone who hurts me so

Why is it okay for her to violate my boundaries

But not for me to be angry

My brother is angry when I go into his room without permission

And I respect that

That's why I don't

I am angry when he undermines me

And he respects that

That's why he stopped

But me being angry that she hugged me when I didn't want it

Is somehow wrong?

Why is that different

Because she might have Asperger's and I should have explained it better?

Well I was a kid

I barely had the vocabulary to vocalise my anger

How was I supposed to explain why

You were the parent

Wasn't it your duty to explain boundaries

Her not understanding social cues, just means she needs them spelling out

But now she has internalised the message that me spelling out my social cues

Is me overreacting

And she only does that with me

Because rather than letting me explain, correcting her behaviour or making sure she understood

You demonised my pain

The outpourings of a child

As an overreaction

As mean

As unforgivable

So I broke down

I never learnt a healthy way of expressing it

Because you didn't let me

And now I know

My anger was justified

But it escalated to toxic levels

Because it was demonised

And I no longer see the point of even

Engaging with her

Because all she'll do is

Violate my boundaries,

Demonise my anger,

Make my cry,

And repeat

Until she eventually learns it's wrong

Until she changes

It's not up to me any more

And I don't see the point in trying to fix

Something I didn't break

Why should I work on a relationship

I don't wanna be part of

Because she is my sister?

Well I want nothing to do with her

Haven't since I was a child

Because she has caused me more pain

Than she has ever brought me joy

And you want your kids to be happy

But it's not my job to make her happy

At the cost of mine

She needs to work on herself

And her behaviour

Before she is ever allowed near me again

[obviouslyzain-blog]

Night #512

I had a bad day.

I was mainly working all day. But so much went wrong. First I forgot to pay for a bottle of coke. It seems minor but I feel bad for it and then that on top of everything else just makes me feel like a fucking idiot. Then after that, I forgot to feed a party. I FORGOT TO FEED A PARTY OF 11 CHILDREN. Like, how does that even happen? I’ve done countless parties and I’ve never forgotten to feed them. I was on the new ride and putting children on it and I couldn’t leave it unattended. But the party had still completely slipped my mind. I’d already done a party earlier in the day too. Then finally, an autistic kid screamed the place down when he got to the top of the new ride and I panicked and got his Mum to come up (baring in mind she wasn’t strapped onto anything while on a high ledge) to try and calm him down and then I was getting told to get them both down while I had this kid screaming at me and my head was screaming at me and I had a breakdown and my manager had to come and help me because I didn’t know what I was doing.

I fucked yo at work the other day too. When I keep messing up, I feel like I’m just shit at my job and I hate that feeling. 1 bad thing can so easily outweigh hundreds of good things, it hurts me. And then when I look at other people like Kyle who actually really do well at the same job as me (he’s way more energetic and lively and he’s good at playing with kids and getting them to chase him round and stuff) then I realise how bad I am at the job and I constantly put myself down and I hate it because I feel like I don’t belong. It might sound minor, but it affects me. Work is the main thing I hang onto, I don’t put everything into college. I’ve been getting lazier with work too. I just can’t keep at anything. At this rate, I have no direction in life. Right now, my new thing is CoD. I want to put time into that. I don’t want to go to college anymore, just work and CoD. Because it excites me and I want to play more of it and I want it more and more. Then eventually I’m gonna get bored of that and I’ll want something else. I don’t know what else that will be, but I want something else. I want to find something that I will stick to for more than a couple of months. I’m gonna get nowhere in life. I’m a failure. I’m shit at everything. I hate myself. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I have depression.

Goodnight.

Again, I hope this post has been alright. They don’t all have to be massive. And hopefully no one that I know will see this. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions, feel free to message me and ask or if you just want to chat, my dm’s are open. I can also answer personal questions if you need someone. I’m no trained professional but I’ve seen a lot and love helping people. Yeah, I copy and paste that everyday; doesn't make it any less true.