#I mean from the male side

[paraffinliquidum]

Girl who has only seen Nige Haji, watching her second tv series: Getting a lot of 'Nige Haji' vibes from this…

[astrarche-x]

thinking about how we never have an actual flashback from the Ouyang clan execution and how that adds to the unreliability of Ouyang's narrative about his life and death. [sorry, long rant incoming bc i have feels]

Especially in regards to the scene when Ouyang is tasked with execution of Zhang Jr.: he thinks that he willingly chose to avenge his father and to bear the suffering of his fate when he was 10. But did he?

''He was giving him a chance for his death to have meaning. He should be grateful", he thinks in regard to Zhang Jr. So did he himself just stay alive for his death to have meaning? Or - what I suspect - did he just invent all this a posteriori to justify his will to live?

Apart from the fact that the scene with Ouyang killing Zhang Jr. is one of the most memorable in HWDTW for me for the layers that it has, it highlights one of the most fascinating facets of Ouyang: his will to live vs. his deathwish.

Obviously as his whole arc is about falling downhill, we as readers don't see much of the former, while the latter is in abundance especially in HWDTW. But nevertheless this tension is very much there.

As I said, we don't see - even through Ouyang's eyes - what went down that fateful day of the massacre; did he really beg for his life to avenge his family or just for the sake of it. But personally - I'm betting for the latter. Like, come on, he was 10 AND - more importantly - he DIDN'T know that Chaghan would have him castrated as he begged for mercy. He had no idea what the consequences would be. He might have thought about revenge; it's evident that even at 10 yo, the masculine ideals were already drilled into him. But he DIDN'T choose that with full awareness; it's something he told himself over the years to justify his will to live.

And I think this is the deepest root of his shame: that he so desperately wanted to live he could do anything. Him being an eunuch was shameful too, but not so much as the fact that he PREFERS it to being dead. This is what Chaghan calls him out on and this is why the scolding is such a turning point (something I didn't catch at first): Ouyang realizes that if he wants to live free of shame and justify his existence, he must have his revenge. But to do that - ironically - he must destroy himself.

The excuse he came up with over the years to make up for his will to live is that he is a tool of revenge; he is allowed to exist as long as he is this tool. Where the tragedy lies is that he never allowed himself to imagine that he could exist after his revenge is complete. Which is, I think, part of the reason why it took him so long to start plotting it: he wanted to live. He wanted to be with Esen. (The passage "He felt a surge of hatred towards the monk. [...] Without him, how much longer might Ouyang have had with Esen?" is one of the most heartbreaking in SWBTS imo). And I think that deep down he didn't even think his revenge was actually doable.

"[...] the monk had triggered the start of his journey towards his purpose. He couldn’t find it in himself to be grateful. It felt like a violation. A theft of something he hadn’t been ready to give up. Not innocence, exactly, but the limbo in which he could still fool himself that other futures were possible."

I think that these ''other futures'' were futures in which the opportunity for revenge never came; not so much as in ''his enemies were dead by other means'', but as in "Ouyang kept waiting but he just didn't get to meet the Khan" etc. And I think that in his mind, it would have been the best possible option - he could keep on living, waiting for the opportunity that somehow never came, but hey, his excuse of being a tool for revenge was still valid, right?? nobody could tell him that he didn't want it or forgot! he just didn't have the opportunity! oh, such bad luck, sorry not sorry. (And one day he would have died on the battlefield, possibly in Esen's arms, and it would be the best life he could have imagined).

But Zhu gives him the opportunity and he feels he must act on it, which means that his excuse for existing will soon be no longer valid, and it makes him so angry. I still don't get why he couldn't imagine a life after revenge; possibly because despite everything he LIKED this life - or, at least, liked it more than the alternative. Revenge meant destroying everything he enjoyed: his life as a general of the Yuan, and - more importantly - Esen. He probably didn't imagine a life for himself after revenge not only because he thought himself a tool to be discarded, but also because he didn't see in there anything worth living for. And this is when his deathwish comes in. It practically appears as soon as Esen is dead; and the rest is history, with Ouyang's ''I have to live because I must have my revenge and I sacrificed too much for it to walk away now!". But still, it strikes me how at the beginning of SWBTS he's clinging to life as he knows it despite it not being ideal, and how in HWDTW he is awaiting death eagerly.

And - circling back to Zhang Jr. - this is why Ouyang kills the boy: for Zhu it might have been tying up loose ends, but Ouyang at this point sees that staying alive wasn't worth it. He does what is better for the boy in his opinion; he even lets him die with honour, something he himself wants. He wishes he had chosen death all these years ago.

[impostorsshow]

I'm actually so obsessed with him it's not even funny if i'm not listening to a TikTok or music directly related to him I can't focus free me free me

This is @/cherubpuppet's OC for a object show [au? pitch? wip show? How do I categorize this] and I've been destroyed by the fact that ruler art is infinitely superior [and 10x longer] and i don't have a good enough grasp on lip gloss's personality to make fanfiction so I am frozen in "want make fanart but fanart takes effort :["

[nightcity-scrapbook]

Entry 9: When there's drama at Denny's house, all ya gotta do isss 🎶walk awayyy-ayyy-ayyy 🎶

(Johnny refuses to elaborate but told me this'll be a hit from something called 'Vine'... He's laughing as I type this and won't let me delete it)

[moth-tea-merchant]

Ever wondered what Zafira sounds like?

Don't try too hard. This will be embarrassing enough for you. Ah, the water beckons! Can you hear it calling for your blood?

Well now you know

[rebornofstars]

Hey! How do you feel sepfember is going? I've enjoyed seeing all the lovely art and writings. Hope you're doing well!

luna!! hi!! thank you for the ask 💞

sepfember is going more brilliantly than i ever could have hoped. it's been absolutely wonderful seeing people coming together to create things! i've been trying my best to express my joy in the tags of my reblogs, but i'm not sure anything ever could! it's been truly wonderful. i have loved every minute of it so far - writing the prompt drabbles every day, and checking the tag for other people's work to reblog, and sniffing out beautiful art for the queue... a couple of times people have pinged me on the LU discord too, to show me sepfember art, and it entirely melted my heart. and i can't tell if it's coincidence but i'm seeing more sepfember-unrelated/untagged female focused art on my dash too!

in a franchise that caters a great deal to male gamers (and in my own linked universe bubble where all of our main characters are men), my only wish for this event was to balance the scales just a little - create a little bit of brainspace in our minds for the women. show more people who they are and what their names are and what they do! spare a moment to wonder about their goals and motives and characterisation. because they do exist! there are more women in this franchise than even i thought before this event! and i think they're worth celebrating, don't you?

[marginal-notes]

Okay, so. No one needs to hear me out on this. I’m just saying. One day I’m going to crack and heave out all my biting commentary about Naruto gender and clan and lineage politics through the lens of an always-a-different-sex Kakashi fic or outline, and it’s just going to… exist… out there.

No one else gets changed, it’s just Kakashi, and it’s going to be a nightmare from start to finish that’s definitely also heavily tinged by my personal perspective on being agender aro ace.

[rottenlittlefink]

Socializing with neurotypicals is like trying to cut the right color chord but you’re colorblind. And you’re also a fucking horse. And no matter which wire you cut, the bomb will still explode.

Edit cus I published this post too early: Possibly triggering rant in tags oops lol it’s my personal blog ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[magentagalaxies]

god it's such a shame that i only discovered my ideal vocal range isn't soprano + which songs best fit my voice type + how much i really love belting songs like my voice is gonna cause a sonic boom only after i stopped being involved in theatre productions multiple times per year. like ugh so many years of being a random background character in school/summer camp productions bc sure i technically could hit the high notes but i was always slightly off pitch, why did no one ever take me aside and be like "let's see if this kid can belt a green day song and give her some self confidence"

i deserve a do-over of all my middle school/high school theater productions thank you very much

[blonkk]

“so sad being a harry potter fan/jkr stan and a transphobe pick a struggle” ok but how’s it a struggle? ?? because weird losers i don’t know will try to bully me on the internet ??? y’all are just smug because you were nobody in high school and now you feel like you win at life because you have internet clout from tweens and perverted adult men plus the duds who jumped on the bandwagon because they have zero values and beliefs of their own …. like stop projecting i promise no one gives a fuck that you’re “different” it’s still annoying and your green shaved head and mushroom tattoo aren’t punk or even really that cool at all….get a grip fr …anyways i’m gonna struggle by A) being objectively right and B) enjoying my childish stories that have no shortage of material (and more on the way!) to keep me entertained

[bonestrouslingbones]

for how hyperfixated i am on undertale aus i am so so severely out of the loop for pretty much anything outside of my own business rn but i guess the creator of underv/erse like. resigned from the fandom or something and i'm just lookin at their twitter post and seeing very outspoken undertale twitter-only mutuals saying they're gonna miss em like. damn folks really did just decide that misgendering is ok i guess

[actual-corpse]

Okay... So I am Genderqueer.

Sometimes, I am female

Oftentimes, I'm male

Most times, I'm N/A

Occasionally, I'm both or all of the above

I was feeling kinda female today right?

Well, when I'm female, I usually feel disgusting, and it's songs like this one that really hammer it home. I'm not comfortable being female because I always feel pressured to perform a certain way. I always feel ogled, and it just makes me feel gross, and I hate it.

There's a post I saw about menstruation and the stains and stigma that come along with it.

I love dresses and skirts and the color pink, but I don't feel girl enough or pretty enough or skinny enough to perform as Girl... I don't like being so far removed from my AGAB, I don't hate being female.

I hate how it feels to be female.

[mellomadness]

sometimes I wonder if I should take a gender studies class just so I can bitch every day about how an imaginary boyfriend is often seen as a requirement for a woman to feel safe enough to have fun at a club, or the idea that an imaginary person with a fake “claim” over me has more influence over predatory men than my own voice saying “No, I’m not interested, get lost”

[oldbooxie]

Can we talk about how secret invasion is literally x-men first class sixty years in the future but with no Nazis and with a few more aliens

[designernishiki]

definition : a character who has an obsessive and possessive side in regards to their crush, ready to use violent and murderous means to maintain an exclusive bond.

this came up in a conversation with my friend and it’s stupid but im curious what other people think

[moonrecalled]

i know that it's common to think of nyx as like ryoji's mother, and in some ways that's not entirely inaccurate, but like... in a lot of ways, to my understanding, ryoji IS nyx. or at least the closest thing we'll ever get to her. hear me out???

ryoji talks about nyx as a seperate being from himself, but at the same time, ryoji is a collection/embodiment of "all" shadows - and shadows, as well as being the suppressed side of the self, are also quite literally fragments of nyx's psyche sealed in the human unconsciousness. the p3 club book also mentions how it's nyx's psyche that calls her body down to earth, which is exactly the same as ryoji's role as the appriser! although admittedly later in the club book ryoji also explains how as the 13th arcana death, he's capable of taking on the full weight of nyx's psyche and power and that when that happens, he becomes the nyx avatar - so maybe he doesn't really count as "nyx" until that fusion takes place??

the point is, though that there's no like... separate consciousness belonging to nyx existing elsewhere that he's like "taking orders" from. the moon is just nyx's body, while her "consciousness" is what came together to create ryoji to begin with. of course, ryoji was also given humanity from makoto, so it's not just as simple as that, and ryoji doesn't consider himself nyx at least until becoming her avatar, but... idk. it's just interesting to me.

NOTE THAT THIS IS ALL MY TAKE BASED ON THE TRANSLATION OF THE CLUB BOOK I READ but like. i could be completely misunderstanding it haha :'))