#I love them all but they need help

[satandoesntwannabehere]

erm hallo 👋👋

have some doodlez !!

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[maudiemoods]

WAAAAAUAGRGGG!!

I love them so so so much!! AURGG!!

[qqueenofhades]

I'll leave you with this thought for the night, gallows-humor though it is: even the lowest-informed, misguided, confused, and sometimes let-us-say-it flatly moronic people in America like to vote and take it for granted that they can meaningfully do so on a regular and expected basis. So if the evil orange and company actually try to make good on this whole no more democracy and/or actual elections thing, I really don't see it working out well for them.

[sea-webs]

"I don't know who I want to be, anymore."

Oc - Cirque | The Dragon Chosen by the Shadows |

| mary oliver / franz wright / chelsea dingman / mary oliver / sue zhao / can't find :( / can't find :( / i am a dog. i have blood all over my teeth. - sciencedfiction / little weirds - jenny slate / the unabridged journals of sylvia |

[cuntchuck]

sorry i havent posted for the last day of chilaios week, i wish i could describe better why i havent been able to finish the last drawing-

my best explenation:

if anyone knows how to deal with this please help, i am in desperate need of it.

[kala-mies]

We'd play our parts and be people later

[milkchocimono]

??????????

[sysig]

Blind side (Patreon)

[shepscapades]

This one was a freaking doozy. If I keep talking i think i may be in trouble

[kindaasrikal]

Do you think Cole used to help Nya with feeling comfortable in her own skin again and feeling flesh and bones, as well as acting alive again, whilst also helping her keep her form and be more conscious and sure of it after merging with the sea, simply because he gets it?

Ghost Cole you will not be forgotten.

[shortkinglogan]

I may be alone in this but I just want Logan to be in a happy relationship with many people.

Wade, Kurt, Kevin, Scott, Jean, Ororo, and Victor (and maybe a spidey) just all sharing Logan healthily and lovingly and no one gets hurt, maybe they group up on occasion, maybe Logan's not always there, but they all agree, gotta protect this self destructive wild man from himself and let him know he is LOVED!

[trappedinafantasy37]

Sometimes I think about when Minthara first joins camp after you save her from Moonrise. She sits in her tent, alone at night, surrounded by strangers who she believes have every reason to kill her. She sits there paranoid, feeling that they will just kill her at any moment for any reason. You have earned a small sliver of her trust, but not completely. And she goes along with you and everyone because she really doesn't have much of a choice. And it's not like her fears are unfounded, some of the companions do state their reservations about her when she is first recruited (and one of the companions actually does want her dead if a certain datamine ever gets added to the game).

She only comes to completely trust you when you allow her to read your mind. But, it doesn't clear her of any paranoia with the other companions. She only trusts them because you trust them, and she trusts you.

In spite of this paranoia and fear, she is still willing to risk her life to protect them and save them from whatever trouble comes their way. Even if she won't admit it, she does care about all the companions in camp. Yes, even the wizard. But she feels that none of them will ever lift a finger for her and will let her die when she needs help the most.

One of the many reasons why Orin kidnapping her is so heartbreaking. Because ALL of the companions want to go and save her and get her back from Orin. And one of them is extremely outraged and pissed that Orin had the audacity to take her Minthara away from her. The one time the companions show unanimous love and support for Minthara, she isn't even there to hear it. If only she knew how much they wanted her back, she would probably stop being so paranoid of them.

And she attends the reunion party still thinking that nobody likes her and they all hang out without her. When in reality, they all love her. She is surrounded by people who love her, and she thinks they hate her and are still plotting to kill her. And it's all because she wasn't there to hear how much they do care about her.

[randomalistic]

Wait you guys are actually buying Disney products I thought it was a joke

(READ TAGS FOR FULL CONTEXT Sorry it’s long dies

[fumifooms]

Chilchuck analysis speedrun: As a hardworking half-foot who grew up poor and discriminated against and had his gullibility taken advantage of multiple times in his early adventuring days, Chilchuck thinks optimism is a dangerous flaw. He’s stressed and strict all the time because his job is noticing details like traps that could get everyone killed before anyone knows it, he takes the lives of everyone to be on his shoulders, and with the way he speaks about it that probably partly reflects how he felt about taking it upon himself to provide for his family too. His life’s always been pretty centered around work and has become even moreso now that his wife left and everyone is independent, and due to past events he’s very iffy with bonding with coworkers. He thinks feelings and job are a disaster mix. Like with his wife or with parties hiring him as sacrifice, being open or having good faith is vulnerability which can get you hurt, so he processes and shows all his stress as anger instead of worry. Doing strict dieting probably isn’t helping the irritability what with hunger, and on top of being a hunger suppressant alcohol might be the main stress reliever he has.

His grey hairs are so earned

[vaggieslefteye]

HUSK, Hotel Bartender & Concierge | 1x04 - Masquerade

"Oh, I FORGOT — you're the wise-old bartender who's seen it all! Get the fuck over yourself and pour me a real drink."