#I love cal he and Ezra are my special little guys

[riyo-soka]

The blanket Cal has in his room during the order 66 flashbacks matches the colours of the battalion he’s with so picture for me: a group of battle-hardened super soldiers using the precious little time they have between battles to make a simple blanket to sleep with at night as a gift for their 12 year old commander. They make it their battalion colours because they want him to know he’s one of them.

[softpadawan]

Liveblogging Jedi Fallen Order pt. 2

In the time between this post and the last, I have learned that the Mantis is basically a luxury yacht. And you've got this filthy probably-smelly scrapper Jedi on board with no idea how hard it is to get oil stains out of potolli weave fabric. It's Pretty Woman set in the GFFA

Greez in the galley, making food, having a crisis LOLOLOL

Ah, we meet Merrin! I wasn't expecting such a thick accent (why did I think she would sound like Buffy Summers? And why is it that the Nightsisters have accents but the Nightbrothers don't?) 🤔

I'm actually surprised there's anyone left on Dathomir, but everyone forgets the Nightbrothers I guess.

Damn that looks like Maul's lair. Wait, is that a GRILL? Was Maul a BBQ fiend? Is that why he looks like a bottle of extra spicy Tex-Mex rib sauce? 🍖

NO NO CAL, DON'T TALK TO STRANGE OLD GUYS IN HOODS IN SPOOKY DARK PLACES. THE SAME THING WILL HAPPEN TO A KID NAMED EZRA IN ABOUT 11 YEARS AND THAT DIDN'T TURN OUT WELL EITHER

Greez calling Cal "weirdo" again hehehe

Cal used Push... IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!

I like how Cal periodically runs his hand through his hair in idle moments. Yeah, dude, we know your hair is perfect 🙄

STUMBLING UPON SOME HIDEOUS GIANT RAT-THINGS EATING A DEAD STORMTROOPER, JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THE GFFA LOL

Gather round, kids, time for another one of Greez's cockpit talks *sits crosslegged on the floor*

I hope Cal knows to keep his ankles together and clench his sphincter when diving feet-first into water

Perfect hair, even when wet (of course)

I don't know what the actual gameplay is like, but in this video, Cal has a new poncho every time he visits a new location. Are there tourist shops on Dathomir and Kashyyyk where they sell ponchos? Is Cal picking up a new one every time he goes somewhere? Is this a souvenir side quest?

HANG ON TO THOSE VINES, TARZAN

Cal performs the Zeb Orrelios Double-head Knock Maneuver™ on the Walker pilots LOLOL Maybe it's a Lasat move and Cal learned it from his Master. Bonus: "I can't believe that actually worked."

CAL CACKLING AS HE AND BD-1 TAKE CONTROL OF THE WALKER LOLOL I FEEL YOU MAN, I'D BE LAUGHING TOO

The fact that Cal didn't scream and shit himself when Saw Gerrera suddenly appears on his windshield is proof that this is pure fiction.

Cal: What are you guys doing? Saw: Pissing off the Empire. Wanna help? Cal, with approx. 47 current missions, shrugging: Sure why not

OH GOD THESE WALKERS DON'T HAVE AIRBAGS OR SEATBELTS OR ANYTHING AND WE'RE GOING DOWN, HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTT, BD

Annnnd this is how Cal gets roped into the rebellion!

Cal freeing Wookiee prisoners just like Ezra does 10 years later 🥲

YIKES that Purge Trooper sounds just a little bit too horny to see a Jedi 😳

Holyshit that special attack move is incredibly sexy, I love it when one dude just rolls across the back of another dude. Just bros being dudes fighting to the death

Oh fuck OH FUCK CAL WATCH OUT THERE'S A SECURITY DROID RIGHT BEHIND— *Cal gets lifted up and tossed like a candy wrapper* I swear it sounds like he grunts "OW DAMMIT" when he lands* Where are your Jedi instincts man? Lol

Cal awkwardly accepting thanks from the free Wookiees is so cute

I love it when he smiles. I am so in love with this guy it's embarrassing.

HOLY SHIT CAL DON'T GET SET ON FIRE, IF YOU LOSE YOU HAIR I WILL FORCE CHOKE THE EMPIRE MYSELF—

Boy, with all this ruckus Cal's causing on Kashyyyk, it's only a matter of time before Biggus Dickus hears of this.

Saw's speech is putting tears in my eyes, god stop it man

Is... is anybody going to put those fires out??

"I'm a very positive guy. I'm positive that if I die, I'll be very upset." I LOVE YOU GREEZ

Second Sister, in a haughty drawl: Cal Kest— Cal, if he were me: AUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! Stop scr AUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! Stop screaming I just— AUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!

I actually like Trilla more than I thought I would

Oh hohoho she's getting Cal pissed off, I like that. "What would Jaro Tapal say if he could see his Padawan now?" ...maybe I've been reading too much smutfic, but that sounds like a line straight out of a smutfic. Now I'm imagining Cal bound spread-eagle and [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]

Cal, fiercely: I won't let anyone touch them [young Force sensitive children] DAD CAL WILL PROTECT EVERY KID IN THE GALAXY TRILLA DON'T TEST HIM

Cal sure does squeeze through a lot of tight spots. It's cute when BD hops off his back and onto his shoulder or arm

Are... are all Purge Troopers this horny about killing? Is it a requirement? "Must be this psychotic and horny to qualify"?

OH SHIT NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN CAL IF YOU LOSE YOUR FKKN SABER AGAIN I WILL COME THROUGH THIS SCREEN AND yessss remember Jaro's teachings! Good boy (I feel like I'm raising this kid lol)

Squeezing through passages yet again. This boy has more in common with Ezra than he'll ever know LMAO Kanan now has TWO duct-spelunking gremlins to deal with. Everyone say a prayer for Kanan Jarrus

"I don't care if they're a Jedi, a Wookiee or a Bogling, I'm going to destroy them!" Props to the stormtrooper for using a non-binary pronoun for Cal until he learns his preferred one LOL "We may be evil fascists, but we won't stand for misgendering our enemies!"

Cordova, I'm getting just a liiiiiittle bit sick and tired of your obsession with ancient artifacts. Your name henceforth will be Jedindiana Jones.

Ba-GONK? Really? A droid named Ba-Gonk? HAHAHAHA

OH SHIT HE'S LIGHTING MY BOY UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE WHAT NONONO

OH GOD WHERE'S BD IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO HIM I'M GONNA AAAAA CAL CALLING FOR HIS LITTLE BUDDY I'M SCARED AND FURIOUS

Cal muttering "these jerks" as he takes the restraining bolt off BD 😭

IS THAT THE HU Cal: Hey, I recognize this band. I RECOGNIZED THEM FIRST

Sorc Tormo, no relation to the Grandmaster of Sakaar I'm sure LOL Ooh what is this, a gladiator scene? Are we gonna see Cal in a loincloth? (wishful thinking)

OH HELL IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE MUTANT CROCOFROGS FROM THE FLORIDA EVERGLADES, AND THIS ONE IS ON MIAMI BATH SALTS

This scene would have been 9000% better if Cal were in a loincloth and knee-high gladiator sandals, just saying

Annnd the Mantis arrives in time to save Cal! Hoo boy Cere, you got some splainin to do

Greez, having another crisis: This is fine. Everything's gonna be fine

Aww Greez waking Cal up again for a chat 🥺 Cal don't be mean, Greez just wants to know what's going on :( CAL SAY SOMETHING, GREEZ IS POURING HIS HEART OUT TO YOU "You two are the best thing that ever happened in my life" GAWD I'M WEEPING PAPA GREEZ

Sometimes a family is a crusty old pilot with a gambling addiction, a traumatized former Jedi, and a masterless Padawan with more scars than happy memories

"That's a game term." "I know what it is." 😂

"I'm busy. I gotta figure out what to cook next." Getting some STRONG Italian grandma vibes from Greez

Hoo boy ANOTHER horny Purge Trooper (wtf is he wielding? It looks heavy and cumbersome) Purge Trooper, orgasmically: YeeEEeess! FIGHT MEEE! Cal: Not until you buy me dinner

"Electrohammer Purge Trooper". Sounds like a mixed drink or a funky novelty dance from the late 90s.

Ninth Sister is going to make strawberry-ginger jelly outta Cal and spread him on her morning toast 😳

Cal's boots are gonna be so caked and crusty after sliding through 10km of Kashyykian mud, Greez is gonna have to hose him down before he lets him in the ship LOL

GIANT VENUS FLY TRAPS oh boy Cal narrowly escaping getting vored again

Hollllyyyy SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GIANT BIRD IT'S THE SIZE OF A SHIP Cal: What is that thing? Is is a bird? Yes. Is it a plane? Also yes.

I love Cal's little baby Padawan voice (Why couldn't they have made FPJ's Kanan/Caleb sound like that? Instead we got a Padawan who has a 3 kids, a mortgage, and a receding hairline.)

Hurt Shyyyo bird uh oh! We need Dr Bridger here STAT!

Awww Cal has a way with animals, too. I'd love to see him and Ezra bonding over their connection to animals.

Kanan seeing his partner and his Padawan bring home yet another injured animal: YOU ARE RELEASING THIS ONE GO BACK INTO THE WILD, UNDERSTAND? NO MORE ANIMALS ON THIS SHIP Cal and Ezra: But Kaaaaayyyy...

I KNEW HE'D BE HOPPING A RIDE ON THAT BIRD SOONER OR LATER (🎵 I believed he could fly 🎶)

OMG when BD runs it's like a cockatiel puttering across the floor at 100 mph HAHAH I would die for that droid 😢

Ooh costume switch in this play. Cal looks fucking hot in the Inquisitor uniform

Aww Cere and Greez have dinner lunch ready when Cal comes in, I love seeing families eat in the GFFA

God this is the most uncomfortable dinner ever. Cloud City dinner with Vader doesn't even come close

GREEZ HAS BEEN SALTING HIS FOOD FOR A SOLID MINUTE JFC IT'S INEDIBLE NOW

Cal don't be an ass, Cere is pouring her heart out to you... I forget that he's just 18 sometimes 🙄

(I just found out that Debra Wilson is playing Cere, no wonder she was so familiar to me. Also I love her)

"This Cordova guy's really putting some wear and tear on my ship." SEND HIM A BILL, GREEZ, I'M SERIOUS

"Dathomir. The one place in the galaxy we don't want to see any closer... and the one place we're trying to get to, Mr Frodo."

Oh HELL dead Nightsisters, this is even worse than when Maul called them up from the grave in Rebels, these ones are still juicy

In a situation like this, you can only do one thing: THE MONSTER MASH

And this is where I've gotta call it a night. I hope my losing my mind has been entertaining

[theshijlegacy]

Rise of Skywalker ramblings

Saw RoS last night and loved it. 

I’d seen the mixed reviews and was a bit apprehensive going in, but was pleasantly surprised in a lot of ways.  It kept some of the spirit of TLJ that I liked while still delivering a lot of the “safer” Star Wars story that I expected.  Being part of a super enthusiastic opening night crowd is always fun too.  And it’s nice to see that I’m not the only person who liked the whole 7-8-9 trilogy!

Spoileriffic thoughts below.

--Rey Palpatine was one of the theories I’d kicked around, but it would have been nice if she really was nobody, like the Force doesn’t care who you’re related to. Timeline-wise she would have been better off as his great-granddaughter but I completely buy Sheev having lots of kids and/or having some later in life.

--I’d been running with the “Skywalker is the new name for Force user” theory for a while, but I’m OK with Rey adopting it as her last name.  She doesn’t have to be a Palpatine and the name of the family that saved the galaxy is continuing.

--HOLY CRAP FINN IS FORCE SENSITIVE.  I would love it if that was what he wanted to tell Rey.  (Best answer from Reddit: “I’m in love with Poe and don’t know how to tell him!”)

--Ben Solo didn’t make it to the end!  I was convinced he’d get a redemption arc and live happily ever after. Props to JJ/whoever for going in that direction, especially with the Jedi fadeout.

--The opening crawl getting right to "oh hey the emperor isn't really dead.” So happy they didn't drag out the “when-do-we-see/hear-the-emperor???” mystery

--Sheev Palpatine and his motherfucking contingencies for contingencies, plans-within-plans shit.  This guy was a thousand steps ahead of everyone else, all the time.  Got a glimpse of that in Empire’s End too.

--LOL the tank of Snoke clones.  Sheev loves his clones, in both canon and legends!

--Poe’s lightspeed skipping.  Poe being an ex-spice runner.  Poe and Zorii!  Poe in general.  Poe is great.

--Luke/Leia training flashback!!  Leia's lightsaber!!!!  Which she presumably built herself!!!!!

--3-way Finn/Poe/Rey hug.  And the sound of a thousand fanfics being composed…

--More First Order defectors who had been kidnapped as children.  (Also a plot point in Empire’s End, complete with a 6-year-old-ish Armitage Hux ordering around a group of kidnapped-and-brainwashed child recruits)

--Hux being the mole, not because he agrees with the resistance, but because he hates Kylo Ren.  I bet he was hatching a plan as soon as Snoke was killed.

--Force-healing onscreen!  And it wasn’t just “Force magic” (which I also would have been OK with), it was actual taking life from one to give to another.

--Rey was noticeably better at lightsaber fighting.  She was… not great in TFA.  Only slightly better in TLJ.  Her year of training really shows and I like that we’ve seen a pretty clear progression.

--Rey stopping that transport with some Kyle Katarn shit and Kylo trying to get it back and OH SHIT REY SHOT OUT FORCE LIGHTNING  

--Palpatine: GLADoS edition has been added to my recent “horrifying scene that works but really gives me the creeps” list (also includes flashback to Coulson resuscitation/brain surgery with him repeating “just let me die” on Agents of SHIELD, Brainy getting rebooted on Supergirl)

--Aside from his GLADoS-esque support arm complete with wires, I liked undead-Palpatine's look - missing fingers, whited-out eyes, and his transformation after he stole life from Rey & Kylo.  Especially the red-lined robes.

--Got serious Endgame vibes at the end with all the ships showing up. Husband unit also pointed out the parallel of “I am inevitable”/”I am Iron Man” and “I am all Sith”/”I am all Jedi”

--OMG ALL THE JEDI SPEAKING TO REY.  I didn’t recognize everything at first but I heard Obi-Wan (young & old), Yoda, Mace Windu, Ahsoka(!!!!!), and Anakin.  Per the credits, voices also included Qui-Gon(!), Luminara Unduli, Aayla Secura, Adi Gallia, and Kanan Jarrus(!!!!!).  Two notable absences: Cal Kestis and Ezra Bridger.  I can accept Cal’s fate as TBD since Fallen Order just came out, but this is really good news for Ezra.  I am now super super interested to see where these two have been.

--Kept the Rey/Kylo force-connection deal.  It weirded me out in TLJ but I’m really glad it was kept here.

--Wedge coming back for one last ride!  (and aging pretty well, wow)

--RIP Snap.  :-( I’d grown a bit attached to him after the Aftermath trilogy, but I think Norra and Brentin would have been proud.

-- ForceGhost!Luke has a new attitude; I guess being dead for a while tends to mellow you out.  I am still 100% OK with his character in this trilogy.

--Kylo not being as good at fighting after he dropped the dark-side allegiance – specifically the 6v1 fight against the Knights of Ren before he got the lightsaber.  Like he'd been into it so deep for so long he forgot how to fight without it.

--Han coming back one last time for some Ghost Dad Advice

--THANKS FOR NOT KILLING CHEWIE!!  I was seriously worried

--Rey fights herself!

--Where can I buy a replica of that Sith wayfinder?  I do like shiny force-user crystals/holocrons/etc

--Rey finally builds her own lightsaber!  And it’s yellow.

--TAKE THAT REYLOS: Oh you want a kiss huh?  There’s your kiss!  AND NOW HE’S DEAD.

--That whole scene.  Kylo staring at dead Rey.  Kylo force-healing Rey and bringing her back to life.  And now they’re staring at each other, and I’m thinking don’t kiss you idiots, don’t fucking do it.  FUCK they did.  I actually booed out loud.  (I will not deny being a little bit happy that Kylo died immediately after)

--All of the “are you happy Ep 7 & 8 haters???” stuff: Rey is super powerful because she’s Palpatine’s granddaughter, someone bringing up a “why don’t we Holdo this” argument and getting shot down with good reason, showing Leia’s Force powers with a flashback to being trained by Luke AND having her own lightsaber

--The urgent timeline got kind of.. muddled?  Forgotten?  They had 18 hours or 12 and still had time for all those spacejumps and Lando gathering friends from all over?

--A bit too on-the-nose with some of the ROTJ parallels.  Lando in disguise saving the day on a desert planet! Speeder bike chase!  Emperor taunting Our Hero while their friends are losing a huge battle outside!  A Skywalker dies so Our Hero can live!

--Also wondered if one of the writers played SWTOR: Emperor who really isn’t dead uses Super Mega Force Lightning and tries to jump into Our Hero’s body to take over their mind.

After chewing on this for a day, here’s my ranking of Skywalker/Palpatine saga films from best to worst:

5 > 8 > 9 > 4 > 7 > 6 > 3 > 2 > 1

And including Solo and Rogue One:

5 > Rogue One > 8 > 9 > 4 > 7 > 6 > 3 > Solo > 2 > 1

tbh I’m so far into the “inject all Star Wars content directly into my veins pls” territory that I can’t say I hate any of it, and even the cringiest prequel moments are leaps and bounds ahead of a lot of other junk I’ve watched/read/played.  So much about Star Wars is just FUN, and I will gladly handwave away most of my nitpicks (SpeedForce, I ain’t gotta explain shit) for the sake of enjoying the story.  Even the ridiculous stuff that I poke fun at is still a part of the whole mess; it can’t all be great or even good or OK and that is fine with me.  [NOTE: I have not watched the Holiday Special but the husband unit is weirdly enthusiastic about me doing so; it may happen yet this year.] 

I really like this comment from the A.V. Club.  More cynical than my overall take on the whole shebang but I totally know with where they’re coming from.  I don’t agree with all the responses but it’s a pretty good discussion.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 21st October 2018

Ughhhhhhhh

Okay so we have an episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS. All this week I’ve not been in either the right physical state or mental state (and I’m probably still not in either of those) to do basically anything and I’ve felt like keeping up with this is a chore. It’s late as all hell, but here is a shorter – and probably crappier-written – episode of RTC. There’s going to be a Halloween special on a Charlie Brown special sometime near Halloween so check that out but let’s just stop wasting time.

Top 10

To my nonexistent surprise, “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith replaces last week’s debut and returns to the number-one spot for what I believe is its seventh week.

“Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo, however, has not moved as much as I thought it would have, dropping only one space down to the runner-up spot.

“Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille, however, is not moving at all at number-three.

“Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper moves up two spaces to the top five at number-four.

There’s a debut at number-five – yep, that’s “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj, the lead single from their upcoming fifth album, also the first time their lead single hasn’t gone to #1 initially in a while.

“Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora, meanwhile, is down a position to number-six.

The meme seems to be wearing off at number-seven, fortunately, where “I Love It” by Kanye West and Lil Pump featuring Adele Givens is down three spots, although it may rebound soon due to either YANDHI or Harverd Dropout, whenever the hell they’re dropping that is.

“In My Mind” by Dynoro and Gigi D’Agostino is down a spot to number-eight.

As is “Electricity” by Silk City and Dua Lipa at number-nine.

Finishing off the consecutive trio of one-downers is “All I Am” by Jess Glynne at number-ten.

Climbers

There aren’t many, but they’re bigger than I expected, actually. “Always Remember Us this Way” by Lady Gaga is up eight spots to #31 – I think this may be because of a video? That’s also probably why “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B is up six to #25, after God knows how many weeks. “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez, the Godawful trash volcano that it is, is up 12 spots to #21. Meanwhile, “No Stylist” by French Montana featuring Drake inexplicably has a 10-space boost into the top 20 at #19. Guess the Drake verse is all you need these days.

Fallers

Fallers, on the other hand? Oh, trust me, we had plenty. Let’s start with pop and dance:

“Eastside” by benny blanco, Halsey and Khalid is down five to #16, “breathin” by Ariana Grande is down eight to #26, “Thunderclouds” by LSD (Labrinth, Sia and Diplo) is down 12 spots to #29, right next to “Body” by Loud Luxury and brando down 11 to #30.

We had a pretty sizeable handful of rock or rock-adjacent hits getting hurt too, like “High Hopes” by Panic! at the Disco is down five to #18, “Shotgun” by George Ezra is shot down six spots to #20 and “Falling Down” by Lil Peep and XXXTENTACION is doing just that to #33.

Hip-hop and R&B suffered too: “Venom” by Eminem is down seven to #23, “Best Life” by Hardy Caprio and One Acen is down five to #35, right next to “Drip Too Hard” by Lil Baby and Gunna down eight to #36, as well as “Lucky You” by Eminem featuring Joyner Lucas down 14 to #37, and “Taste” by Tyga and Offset down 13 to #38.

Dropouts

We didn’t have any returning entries this week, and I don’t know if we had any dropouts either, to be honest, because the website that I can quickly extract that info from has yet to update in weeks. I can tell for a definite “KILLSHOT” by Eminem is gone but otherwise I’d just be guessing or checking other websites and examining the info and I don’t want to do that, I have some common sense, and I don’t want this episode to be out any later. New arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Advice” – Cadet and Deno Driz

For our weekly dose of tropical faux-dancehall faux-grime, we have a dude who sounds like a mixture of Swae Lee, Sean Kingston and MC Smally, and his more aggressive friend and/or dodgy uncle who relies on ad-libs to finish his rhyme scheme. Honestly, despite the nonsensical premise of roadman Sean Kingston and his uncle talking about girls they get on Instagram, I kind of like this actually. I love how they trade bars in the pre-chorus, and they’re giving each other advice about picking up women, kind of like “Without Me” by Shaggy and RikRok but British, if that makes sense. The steel pans and cheap synths can’t back up the admittedly pretty fun content and energetic flows from both Cadet and Deno Driz (no, I don’t know which one is which and I don’t care), however, and it ends incredibly abruptly. If these guys got better production, I can see myself enjoying them in the future. For now, well... Cal Chuchesta and Rob Scallon did it better. Just saying.

#24 – “Thursday” – Jess Glynne

So this is the break-out track from Jess Glynne’s sophomore effort, Always in Between, and what I imagine she’s pushing as the next single due to its success. I figured it would be a dance track like Glynne does best, but no, the label seems to be pushing a strong almost ballad-type song, with an incessant acoustic guitar riff that just continues in a building up of airy, foamy synths, until after the first chorus, we get a cheap-sounding but effectively nonexistent instrumental; yes, I complain about production being so bland it’s basically not there, but here, it works, putting more emphasis on Jess Glynne’s powerful vocals here. They’re not fantastic or even pushing her voice to any limits as such, but they feel raw, fitting in with the desperate lyrics, with the chorus reading “I just want to feel beautiful”. Yes, it’s kind of cheesy, yes, it’s kind of “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten (that should always be your go-to adjective for this type of song), but you know what, it just clicks. I don’t appreciate the “oh, oh, oh” repetition in the hook because it feels unnatural despite all of what I just said, so that kind of disappoints me, but if there were any empty spaces for the instrumental here, this wouldn’t exactly feel like a song. It’s on very thin ice and I feel like with just one more touch, this could easily be made either awful or awesome, but for what it is as it was released, it’s pretty good. Maybe I should check out that album after all, I mean, I heard “These Days” is on it and I loved that.

#13 – “MIA” – Bad Bunny featuring Drake

A Drake debut not in the top 10? Preposterous.

Okay, when I first saw this song, I figured it meant MIA as in a member of the armed services, because Drake likes to make up this little “gangsta” persona for himself. Then I saw “MIA” and thought maybe Bad Bunny and Drake were going to compare their girl to an independent, strong, not afraid to experiment (I figured Bad Bunny wasn’t above making Katy Perry references, I guess) and incredible woman and artist, M.I.A., the rapper we all know for “Paper Planes”... although, then I looked into it, “Mia” is a female first-name, right? Is Bad Bunny seriously just name-dropping his real-life girlfriend or ex in the song? No, well, “mia” means “my” in Italian, so it’s just about “everyone wants my girl, but she’s my girl, so step off, fellas”. Maybe I thought too much into the title but damn, it has so many possible meanings, and hell it could mean all of those things but I highly doubt Bugs and Daffy put that much thought into it. This whole title ramble is me trying to covering up how I have nothing to say about the song other than I think I actually really like it. It has a pretty nice groove, albeit almost completely drowned-out by the watery synths (which, yes, I like to). Bad Bunny’s voice has always appealed to me, especially his little “I’m a dog who just went out in the rain and I’m washing it off by just spreading it and flapping my fur” ad-lib. You know the one, the “bgdrrrhr!” Mostly, however, they’re gone, instead he has a really sweet high-pitched vocal harmonising with him and Drake, who sounds beautiful on the hook, by the way. Yeah, didn’t expect to like this one, but maybe I should check out more Bad Bunny. His song “Amorfoda” is one I dig too, check it out, I’ll be talking about it on my worst list as almost a comparison piece for what my #1 did wrong, hopefully that doesn’t spoil my incredibly predictable choice or anything.

#11 – “ZEZE” – Kodak Black, Travis Scott and Offset

“ZEZE, do you love me?” No, frankly, you’re quite boring, although D.A. Doman’s production is pretty competent, at least. I guess the steel pans don’t do as much for me because I hear them every week on this show, but it’s still alright, I’m pretty sure he produced “Taste” too so I’ll check out what he does nowadays, he can be pretty good. Everyone else ruins it, though. How can you get such a cleanly-produced, airy-sounding beat and just puke all over on it with ad-lib madness? Seriously, with the vocals, this feels cluttered as all hell. The bass is overpowering but Travis and Kodak Black’s autotune both make everything so hard to listen to, especially with the amount of reverb-addict ad-libs throughout. In Kodak’s typically off-beat verse, there’s extra vocal harmonisations as well, that I think are the same guy from “Taste”, to be completely honest. Offset raps well but the ad-libs, again, are too much, it’s just way too much in so little time, like a shoddy BTS song by a rapist and a homophobe. Oh, yeah, and it was a meme three weeks before it released, leading it to debut at number-one in Canada, because Canadians seem to have lost their capability to both make AND listen to good music this year. Sad.

#5 – “Woman Like Me” – Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj

This new album by Little Mix, (lazily) titled LM5, is going to be women and women only! Just female stars and vocal powerhouses on this record, baby... until you realise two frat boy-looking dudes are on the bonus track and this song was written by Ed Sheeran. It’s safe to say I’m never excited that much for a Little Mix album, and the addition of Nicki Minaj as a feature has never given me much to write home about since “Monster” by Kanye West, so expectations were low, and somehow I was still disappointed... because it leads me in with that sassy guitar and intro, before immediately plunging me into suck. The trap beat kicks in, with a badly-mixed autotuned Jesy rapping pretty awfully, to say the least, before sloppily cutting to the pre-chorus with that guitar, but also the trap percussion and “whoop!” vocal effects, and that ear-piercing falsetto note that acts like a synth during the drop, where the bass overpowers everything. Hell, everything about this song is sloppy. They take vocals from other takes and make no effort to connect them together in any comprehensible manner. The autotune constantly put on Jesy is not only unnecessary because she and all of the girls have great voices but it feels cheap. When Nicki Minaj comes in, it actually gives me some space to breath with the empty space between “b****es is my sons” punchlines and a blunt, boring flow as she simply states, “I want all the money”, without any jokes or any wordplay or anything, just she wants all the money. Why does Nicki have to come in during the last chorus and outro, too? Why is everything so all over the place in this song? This is an atrocity. What a half-hearted failure. Steve Mac produced this? What—actually, no, that explains a lot, in fact, it makes me believe anyone on this song tried, because when Steve Mac doesn’t try the end result is listenable (i.e., “What About Us”, “Shape of You”) but when he does we get stuff like “Alarm” by Anne-Marie, “Rockabye” by Clean Bandit and this? Wait, Steve Mac also produced “Thursday”? Well, that explains the shoddy vocal mixing present in both, but God, he’s not having the best of weeks. Take a few months off, Mac. You need it, and maybe during then, don’t try at all so you get into the habit of phoning everything in. That’s the only thing you’re good at.

Conclusion

Little Mix and Nicki Minaj get Worst of the Week for “Woman Like Me”, no question, but I didn’t expect to give Best of the Week to Bad Bunny and Drake for “MIA”, with Honourable Mention going to Jess Glynne for “Thursday” and Dishonourable Mention to Kodak Black, Travis Scott and Offset for “ZEZE”. What a messy week, and quite a few pretty messy songs, actually. Few of these songs feel like they were made by competent producers, honestly. See ya next week!