#I love a little garden place like this
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let me in. let me iiiinnnnnnnn
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the mighty nein - critical role
this is a place where i don't feel alone. this is a place where i feel at home.
#also with softer vibes. i offer They#every silly little brainheart found family deserves a to build a home edit#the mighty nein maybe most of all. thats my family#also the lyrics deliciously well suited to m9.#when jester pulls that. stupid tarot card for fjord. home or traveler. and there's a carnival wagon. and veth says Thats Us! . them#i just think about . the tower is their home the xhorhouse is their home the lavish chateau is their home the balleater. the mistake.#the nein heroez. veth and yezas apartment. the dome. fjord and jesters living room floor.#a bar with a silly name on rumblecusp#also like. the song has stone and dust imagery. gardens and trees.#the inherent temporality of life and love and how that holds no bearing on how greatly people can love. im losin it okay.#ive been making this edit for days straight with my computer screaming at me for trying to shove 143 episodes of cr into a 2min20sec video.#crying becuase. theyre a family do you get it. they were nine lonely people and most of them had given up on seeing their own lives#as something that might be good. something that might make the world a better place. and in the end they're heroes.#and it doesn't matter if no one else knows because They know they're heroes. and they wouldn't've believed that was true when they met.#rattling the bars of my enclosure. to be loved is to be changed#posted on twitter and want to get in the habit of posting here too bc.#general reasons but also bc . i have noticed some of the ppl liking/sharing it are also ppl who shit on my ops by vaguing about my posts#which is in general whatever but does leave a funny taste in my mouth.#critical role#the mighty nein#cr2#caleb widogast#caduceus clay#jester lavorre#fjord#veth brenatto#yasha nydoorin#beauregard lionett#mollymauk tealeaf#my posts
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here today
#I recently made a trip to London and was like “what random beatles spot haven't I been at”#and then we went to see the Japanese Garden in Regent's Park and opportunity arose#and now I just felt inclined to do a little stupid photo montage#okay I now the angle's don't match up perfectly#but it kinda works doesn't it#one thing I love about many places in the UK is how timeless it feels bc so many old buildings still exist#john lennon#paul mccartney#the beatles#john and paul#martha#mclennon#regent's park#1967
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Day 2: Maglor of @feanorianweek
Kingship
Poppy = Sloth | Manipulation
I do think Maglor mourned when Maedhros got himself captured, I just also read Maglor as a manipulative power hungry character.
He probably convinced himself that Maedhros had died and ignored everything that proved otherwise, both as a poor coping mechanism and, subconsciously, seizing the power of being a king, although he never named himself one as that would give him trouble. He differently enjoyed the power and mourned, when Maedhros came back, for the power loss. He was happy to have his brother back of course. I don´t think he spoke against Maedhros choice to give the kingship to Fingolfin, even if he wanted it himself, as he did except Fingolfin to do something stupid and get himself killed eventually, and by agreeing he seemed more "civil" and the friendliest of his brothers, which would end up giving him political power, giving people the illusion that he´s the innocent and harmless of his family.
Maedhros | Celegorm | Caranthir | Curufin | Ambarussa | Nerdanel and Feanor
#beloved manipulative minstrel king#most of this is just my headcannon and how i read him as a character just ignore it if you dont like it#in his perfect world he would sit and play music while telling people what to do and everyone would love and respect him#when he was king he had help from caranthir and curufin with the things he didnt like or thought below him yk boring stuff like paperwork#and only did what he thought sounded fun or helped him keep support and power and of course just for the sake of being in control#i would have liked to give him a fox a cat or a snake but held on to the lion#as a way to show maedhros through it too if that makes sense#but thelien what does poppies have to do with manipulation#easy dried poppy seeds are drugs and was once used as medication and yes you can get high on them you just need a lot like a lot#which is why that if you need to take a drugtest and you have just eaten poppy seeds youll test positive but only on a very little#trust me its not gonna affect you#fun fact in some places its illegal to have red poppies in your garden because of this#still going on the flowers and deadly sins#maglor#makalaure#kanafinwe#tolkien#silmarillion#jrr tolkien#digital art#silm art#my art#feanorian week#feanorian week 2023#feanorianweek
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how was playing hsr? was there anything that you liked in the game and the story?
ITS BEEN AMAZING AS EXPECTED!!!!!!!!! i actually havent played genshin in a while since starting it, i have no motivation to do the filler event while a perfectly good star rail is sitting there waiting to be played :')
but for mechanics, i love they have auto battle so you dont have to nessecarily sit there and invest in every little battle you gotta do....and i love that the resin (resin??) system is a lot more forgiving with a higher cap, lower cost, and allow for overflow...thats nice...i also love that the mc and starter units are very useful. im so emotionally attatched to the star rail crew so im glad they never have to leave my team !!!!
storywise im LOVING IT SO FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i started playing it at the beginning of spring break 2 weeks ago and im almost all caught up!!! i went through belabog and penacony and now im just doing those leftover intermission main quests which im only now realizing i shouldve done before going to penacony LMAO
and of course.....danmarch....im so soft for them......and also i love sampo i cant wait to see what they do with him
#besides the star rail crew and sampo im not too attatched to anyone else#im very much a (what would happen in canon) type of player so the only units i REALLY want are himeko welt and imbibitor lunae#(and sampo)#everyone else i can go without#so this game is probably gonna be a lot better for my wallet#overall it just like it better than genshin minus the open world part#i like the story and characters...i like that you can play as bad guys while theyre still bad guys???? like blade and kafka???#cuz in genshin you always gotta redeem them somehow first before theyre playable#not here hueheuhe#also i love that they actually kill off playable characters#(spoilers from here on out)#i know were supposed to be all sad for fireflys death but honestly.......i didnt care about her too much LMAO#i was actually a little annoyed for the secret base part because her base was SO FUCKING DEEP IN ENEMY TERRITORY#i was like (damn bitch how far away is this shit??!)#that by the time we got to the emotional part i was just mad#i never liked characters where the game tries to like....force you to care about them#and its implied you have some super close relationship ESPECIALLY when you havent known them long#now if march died that would be a whole different story#but firefly??? i mean rip but i didnt really know her#im loving the penacony quest so far though#any setting where its like a place of mind tricks and gambling and spending money and sin is always so scary to me#especially the dream within a dream within a dream shit#the mind fuck aspect is always a good plot that i enjoy#i also love that theyre not afraid to upgrade units#like we have dan heng and the dragon dan heng#so characters arnt stagnent forever#everyday i hope we one day get to see a 5-star secret power march#cuz that girl has some shit going on i swear#i just did her luofu memory quest#and those fuckers in the garden of recollection............
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...
#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought#i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy#its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere#bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like#normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes#possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my#reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it#i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything#in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place#i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass#i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired#god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or#read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill#so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating#its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage#bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn#unrelated
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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
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restaurant did this for me wah
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Song of the Day: May 5
"I Hope It Rains" by Jana Kramer
#song of the day#gotta gotta gotta go to sleep so I'll have to make this one quick#very fun silly song! suits my voice well enough but more than that it sounds good with a smile in my voice#'I hope it rains / hope it pours / I hope she's in heels and those little white shorts / you can't find the keys to unlock the doors'#very fun bridge got a solid build to it. enjoyably unashamedly malicious. makes for a good kitchen song!#I did start humming it originally because I was hoping in a purely benign untargeted way for rain#or targeted I suppose but the target is my garden#the song popped in on the heels of the thought though and it is a good kitchen song so it stuck around while I made my soup#tofu puffs and soup dumplings and young mustard greens and yu choy and udon noodles and a ginger-chili-beef broth#very much a throw things in the pot soup but it was so good and I am so happy#oh you know what I should also listen to is 'Pray for You' by Jaron and the Long Road to Love#also enjoyably unashamedly malicious and such fun to sing. bless the ill-will revenge songs with their good building beat#'I pray your breaks go out runnin down the hill / I pray a flower pot falls from a windowsill / and knocks you in the head like I'd like to#I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls / I pray you're flyin high when your engine stalls#I pray all your dreams never come true / just know wherever you are / near or far#in your house or in your car / wherever you are honey / I'm prayin for you'#might've got that 'honey' in the wrong place actually I haven't heard the song in months but the sentiment is there#I'll have to listen to it tomorrow when I'm awake
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Kitty memorial garden is officially set up among the roses. I didn't always have the option or the money to bring home all of my cats ashes but I wanted a way to remember them. I bought the big one in 2019 after Chloe passed on. The smaller one came home last weekend because it seemed appropriate.
#adventures in gardening#kitty memorial garden#i still need to weed that area more but i like how they're placed#might plant some more annuals around the roses this year too#when i bought the little one the lady at the nursery fell in love with it#thought she was going to try to come home with us for a bit lol#that's one of the reasons i love that nursery though#at least now when I'm missing my fur babies i can go honor them
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I feel like I'm going to explode with stress. How do other people do this. There is a knot of anxiety in the back of my throat, in my chest, in my stomach. I have not slept enough and can't calm down enough to sleep. This is so stupid. Nothing is even happening. This is just from the confirmation that I will be moving out in a month and a half
#a leftover studio viewing today then tomorrow a contract signing for the apartment I'll be living in#and then we should be done with stuff for a while#then it's just a matter or arranging the insurance/gas/power/internet for the place#and scoring furniture where we can find it of course#there's plenty enough time and I'm sure my parents will help anywhere I need help#I'm certain they'll still let me sleep over anytime if I ever need it#so WHY is my body exploding. girl help#I'm entering a stress loop bc I'm leaving for budapest on the first#and last year I got what I believe was a stress induced illness this time of year while I was in denmark#and it SUCKED. I couldn't do anything and it felt like my heart was going to give out.#I was scared to go to sleep bc it felt like I wouldn't wake up. and that fed into the stress sleep deprivation loop#I hope this calms down because if it keeps up I will definitely get sick again. and I want to enjoy my friend trip!! aaaa!!!!#I also hope I can settle into the apartment okay#this is all very new for me and there is a fear that living apart just. won't work for me#but I'll get to try it for a year. and if it doesn't work? then so be it#but if it does? I get to stay in a nice apartment with a little private garden space#so I'll just have to endure feeling like shit for a while and stay strong#hashtag autism I love intense physical reactions to stress and major life changes#bien rambles
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every time i go to a fish place near me (for pets, not food, not an aquarium) i look at the shrimps like the guy looks at the painting in ferris buellers
#there are TWO pet fish places near me. one is in a garden center one is in a actual pet store#THEY HAVE THE COLOURFUL ONES AT THE PET STORE 🎉🎉#i would love some and a marimo one day... i like how theyre only small#there's the closest i can get to looking at my fav little freaks without a microscope in this universe <3#SHRIMP HEAVEN NOW !
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three orchids blooming at my house right now! peace and love on planet earth (:
#five more with buds on... one more devoting it's energy into for some reason growing an entirely new set of leaves alongside it's current 1s#I cleared up my windowsill and bookcases a little this afternoon and now i have space for perhaps TWO new orchids >:)#maybe sometime in the next month i'll be able to get to the garden center and acquire them... i have a voucher... orchids my beloved!#i think they are all quite happy where they are right now but i want to see if they'll like any other places in my house because then#i could get EVEN MORE ORCHIDS!#i love them they are so easy to care for. no dirt just bark. easy to feed. BEAUTIFUL flowers. lots of colours! wahoo!!!#*four with buds on actually whoops! one guy was in the darkest corner and is not doing much.#moved them to a brighter spot so hopefully some growth soon! but dormant periods are good too!
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tag drop 3/3
#301. ( maybe you will always be ; just a little out of reach ) / * noiz .#302. ( you are my sweetest downfall ; i loved you first ) / * koujaku .#303. ( skip a hit don't make a sound ; it feels better biting down ) / * mink .#304. ( i don't know what to do about this dream and you ) / * clear .#305. ( i will not ask you where you came from ; i will not ask and neither should you ) / * ren .#306. ( never loved nobody fully ; always one foot on the ground ) / * mizuki .#307. ( you charmers with your anecdotes have started to show your true colors ) / * virus .#308. ( now there is nothing like that inside of you anywhere ) / * trip .#309. ( out in the garden where we planted the seeds ; there is a tree as old as me ) / * tae .#310. ( with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul ; there's no place we couldn't go ) / * sei .
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if anyone ever needs some swamp smartweed/jumpseed seeds hmu
#i have SO MUCH#its the single most common thing in my garden its in like every pot#im going to give you reasons why you should get some (even if you choose to pettily not get it from me bc ur someone who hates me)#-attracts very cute tiny black bees. they are so smal.. you might think they are flies until you see them land and inspect them.#but no they are the cutest tiniest little bee. it attracts a lot of small bugs bc of its tiny flowers and other bees too. ive had honeybees#and carpenter bees browse it frequently.#-likes moist soil. a good choice if you like having more moisture-loving plants or if you have a straight up body of water somewhere#-its edible? the seeds might be edible too?? idk. it doesnt taste like much. ppl say its peppery. i say it tastes like a leaf lmao.#-birds LOVE the seeds. its also an important plant for wetland birds like ducks n stuff.#-prolific as fuck and will sow itself where ever it fucking wants to and flings its seeds all over the place (hence the name jumpseed)#and you will find it everywhere and you will fall in love with it. thats a command.#sdjhfhjsd
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the way sharing a home with no real corridors, with not a single room Just For You, where you can sit in all day without SOMEONE coming in, will litterally drive you to insanity
#its me im in this situation#last year it was a-okay still to live at home like this but....#this year im really having enough of Everything#like eighteen is right around the corner and i am Fed Up™#i cannot stand Not Having My Own Room all my life#(and the other half of the room agrees)#and like hearing almost everything thats happening in the house because of little distance between them#its almost like living in an apartment but it has two more floors with other stuff. and a big cool garden#which is a plus#but you know#i would really reeeaaallly love to have some privacy in my own everyday living place...#and im not just talking about my own room here#dreaming of moving out hard#dreaming of moving accross the fucking country so my bitchass smothering parents cant spontaneously enter my room just to enter it#and expect me or my sister to entertain them with small talk or conversation about what we were doing that day#when NETHER of us have energy or TIME to spare because school is ruthlessly all consuming as a 10 month activity#yknow what i mean.#id love to be by myself or with a friend or two in a completely new place#just living.#on my own terms#vent#rant#miesozernacma
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