#I lost a grandparent to covid because of that man

[emberkyrlee]

I voted

[queeraroace]

coming out in ten christmases

The first Christmas 

I have an inkling of my gender

My boyfriend brings me home to his family

We drive an hour in the snow to buy Pokemon X and Y on Boxing day

I introduce him to my grandparents down the road

It’s the last time I will see them alive

In a quiet voice, in an even quieter house

I ask if he would date me, if I came out as a man

He says he wouldn’t

I don’t believe him

He keeps his word

Next year, 

my family knows

The aunt who tells me the next generation may get this “transgender stuff”

Buys me a shawl from the women’s section

My jock brother says it’ll make a nice housecoat

And wears it for our family photo.

It’s the last one I will be in

Next year, 

my friend takes me in

Her family gives me small gifts,

Hidden sad smiles at the table 

And never get my pronouns wrong

It is my first introduction to feeling like an alien

Posing as a lost cousin at a family reunion

Next year,

I try friendmas

I get everything I could think to ask for

And a few I couldn’t

The tradition doesn’t stick

Neither do the friends

It’s more of the same next year,

My mom asks me to come home for Christmas

Asking me to patch things up with my dad

I ask why that’s my job

She keeps me in the car after Chinese food,

Driving around our old neighborhood to look at the lights,

No matter how much I beg to go back to my apartment

I scream at her until I can’t speak anymore

We don’t speak for the rest of the year

Next year,

I fly halfway across the country 

to spend Christmas with my favorite aunt

She gets me everything my heart desires

Doesn’t ask why I spend all my mornings in bed

And gets me winter socks from the men’s section.

She hands me the phone on the 25th, 

asking if I want to speak to her brother,

My father

I will never get to spend Christmas with her again

Next year,

My best friend introduces me to her family

I get a vegetarian meal all to myself

I accidentally eat the wax

Coating the outside of their fancy cheese

We watch Jim Carrey’s Grinch,

Reciting the lines from memory,

And it almost feels like home

Next year,

My roommate and I are trapped inside

The pandemic has struck

And we don’t talk about the fact 

Neither of us would be seeing our families

Even if the whole world was well

Next year

Covid roars on

Either way,

I am not invited to family dinner

I shave my head on Christmas Day

Just to feel lighter

Last Christmas,

Both my grandparents have died

And I was not at their funerals

My cousin reaches out,

to bring me home for the holidays,

I say yes.

The invitation is revoked by her mother,

As I’m getting dressed to go to their second home.

This Christmas,

My best friend is staying in her apartment,

To keep her family alive

And I stay home, away from my family,

To keep myself alive

We will spend it together,

Keeping each other alive

It will always be like this

I feel as distant from the twinkling lights,

And season’s greetings

As I do from being proudly called a daughter

Christmas is an open wound

It cannot close,

Because Christmas is never over

[thereconstructinggirl]

The Reconstruction After the Deconstruction: The Tower Falls

I remember the day that my faith finally crumbled around me. It was June 19, 2020, and it started like a pretty normal day working at K-Kountry in Branson, Missouri. I remember going about my day in the kitchen, visiting my kids during free time, reminding other campers to keep their face coverings on because COVID-19 was wreaking havoc on society around us, and feeling all of the joy that came with my summers at Kanakuk Kamps.

I remember being pulled aside by the head women’s director and told that my mom had called to let me know my great-grandfather, my last living blood-related great-grandparent, had passed away.

No.

I knew he was old and sick but no. Pop was the strongest man alive he couldn’t die yet. Not while I’m trapped in a place states away from my family and leaving means I can’t come back.

I can’t imagine what I looked like trying to walk calmly to the front office to retrieve my phone and call my dad. I can’t imagine what the poor girl who asked me if I had permission to get my phone as I burst into tears was thinking while I used what little strength I had left to not jump the desk and get it myself. She was just doing her job, and I was simply experiencing grief like I hadn’t known in a long time.

A girl I knew pulled me into a hug and attempted what every evangelical Christian uses to comfort someone who just lost a loved one.

“He’s with our Lord. He’s not suffering anymore.”

And while that would usually bring me a lot of comfort, my Pop was an atheist. According to his beliefs, his existence ended the moment he took his last breath. His body would be lowered into the ground, and that was it. According to my belief, the kindest man I ever knew and who never let the horrors of war he experienced color his view of people who were different than him was in Hell.

Nobody knew what to do after that. Pop was stubborn. We didn’t call him an ironhead for nothing. I knew that there was no way that he would have some eleventh-hour spiritual awakening and suddenly accept Jesus as a savior or belief in God.

They let me take the evening off. I brought my dinner, my Bible, and the tarot deck I had snuck in my backpack down to the dock. Eventually, kids would file into the lower field because of course tonight was a party night. And as a hundred or so 7-11-year-old boys and girls from around the country (but mainly Missouri, Texas, Arkansas, and Tennessee) played a summer camp-friendly spy-themed scavenger hunt, I was asking God why. Why did my incredible great-grandfather who I knew was such a good person deserve to be in Hell forever for simply not believing?

I pulled The Tower.

If you know anything about tarot and about how to read and interpret the cards, you know that it’s one of the most feared cards by novice readers. In simple terms, it symbolizes chaos, sudden change, and destruction.

This card was the final straw in what I felt was my already dissolving faith. I had just figured out I was queer, I was discovering “witchtok” and finding comfort in divination through tarot cards, and there was no more ignoring that the world around me was burning. If there was a God, He was cruel and unforgiving. He let young black men be murdered by the very police officers who had sworn to protect them. He let a deadly virus bring the world to a screeching halt (and my study-abroad ventures be ripped from my hands). He let a man who meant the world to me go to Hell just for being an atheist.

I went from being an active member of the Religious Life Leadership Team at my college to literally never stepping foot into the office again for my last two years of school. A place where I had felt nothing but acceptance despite not being Methodist or being pre-ministry, suddenly brought me anxiety. The Wesley ministry group I was an active member of that welcomed queer people and questioners sent me into fight or flight mode.

Because I had experienced such a sudden change in attitude at the summer camp I had given 13 years of my life to, who’s to say that these people who have barely known me for two years wouldn’t treat me the same?

Not only did I start the grueling and mentally taxing process of deconstruction alone, but I searched for liberation in the ancient traditions of my long-dead ancestors. So I started calling myself pagan. It brought me comfort and confidence, but I was still angry and scared. I began calling myself a practitioner, because "witch" never felt quite right. I reclaimed my personal power that I was often led to believe was sinful.

When I moved across the country from my family and friends after graduating college, I found myself falling out of my practice. I found myself sobbing watching Midnight Mass on Netflix and sitting in the parking lots of a local Episcopal or Unitarian Universalist church near my apartment in Tucson. Never going in, but simply sitting and listening to the ringing bells. I found myself driving up to my favorite lookout on Mt. Lemmon to feel as close as I could to anything divine.

I didn't want to admit that I didn't know who I was or what I believed any more.

Now I sit here, almost done with my first year of graduate school, and a kind of regular at an Episcopal cathedral where I live now. I contemplate confirmation (since I was never confirmed as a child) and even contemplate going to seminary.

I still can't call myself a Christian. That term comes with baggage that I'm not ready to tote around again quite yet, but maybe I will get there again.

I still read tarot and still pray to and work with Brigid, but she's morphing into St. Brigid now.

I find myself praying again and opening up my Bible app to read the verse of the day.

I read my favorite book of the Bible regularly to remind myself that the theology that does not include justice for the disenfranchised is not the theology for me.

My hope is that this blog will document my thoughts as I begin to formally reconstruct the faith that shattered right before my eyes.

~ The Reconstructing Girl

[spacedewey]

I just remember in 2020, saying Trump, Sanders and Biden were in a 3-way battle to be the first sitting US president to die of natural causes. I remember making "joke" comments about how whoever Biden chose as his VP would be important since he'd probably die and they'd be president (That turned out great). I remember joking about the US having a Great-Grandparent Ruling Class. Like... it was so clear he was too fucking old before and during his term as president. He was too old in 2020, and believe it or not, he's older now, a concept apparently lost on many liberals. And 2024 Democrats first pretended to be outraged by the implication that he was a doddering old man, and have now pivoted to just pretending not to see it. "Pretending not to see it," of course, being the deft political strategy Trump applied to covid and lost 2020 with. It's almost poetry. Joe Biden's job in 2020 was to prevent a 2nd Trump term, after which he should have immediately announced he would not seek reelection due to having already died and not noticed. Instead, he gives Trump that 2nd term on a slightly delayed schedule. Proudly, on purpose, marching into the sea because he can't remember where he lives.

[sunshineandlyrics]

I saw "LouisTom" aka 'All Of Those Voices' this evening. Just a mix of thoughts which contain some SPOILERS ..

I haven't been to the movie theatre for about 2 years. The last movie I saw was either Parasite or Mulan live action. Only Louis could entice me back to sit in a public room surrounded by strangers for over an hour.

I really loved the behind the scenes in the studio, Louis talking about music and sharing FITF with his band, and all the interactions with his team. Lottie's comments shows how much she admires and loves Louis. The more you hear about Louis, the more you admire him.

The parts when Louis was talking about his Mum, and around Louis performing Just Hold On on the Xfactor were really hard for me. And Grandpa bless his heart.

Theo Hutchcraft really looks like a cool Vampire.

Oli is a gem. The most understanding friend and goofball mate anyone could ever want. I get why Louis has Oli with him all the time.

Mark Tomlinson quoted Louis saying something of an epiphany while during his Grease days (which reminded me of the Vanessa Hudgens' Austin Butler/Elvis epiphany).

One of my favourite moments was of Louis with his team on the yacht. The beautiful visuals, the chill, seeing some of the food, the band sharing their thoughts about Louis.

I heard Oli and Chris Frewin talking full sentences for the first time, and Oli's voice is not as I imagined and I understood him easier than I do Louis.

Louis has had to overcome his emotions and outside obstacles over his entire career. The documentary shows us the bumpy ride, from getting picked on Xfactor but dismissed and feeling insignificant, then overcoming that by contributing with his songwriting. He was shattered by the break, feeling lost on his career path, the family tragedies, then it's years to make his debut album, only for his tour to be hit by Covid, then tour starts again and his career is eventually on a roll. We already know the history but it's seen with some new insights. His Mum truly raised a man of good character.

The teary eyes didn't make me emotional for a few reasons and didn't make me change my mind because I've been here from the start of this stunt. Louis could've spent so much time between 2016-now (like during XFactor Judges), and especially during the lockdown with the kid but he didn't. Not even the dangerous Californian bushfires inspired Louis to visit the kid, and his team was like no comment on an article.

The scenes with the kid were cute but a bit awkward, and it raised more questions for me. Like why is Oli ALWAYS with them? Why didn't his family travel to America to see him more often if they miss him? Why does he hardly visit the UK, and only for the last 2 Christmases and the only clue of it was via the same pic we saw already posted by one of the sisters? Why is there a lack of unseens of Louis or his family with the kid from between 2016-2021? And the only baby pics were the ones taken in 2016 and already overused in the tabloids.

And my Dude, if 'it gets harder to leave the kid every time' and you get teary eyed talking about it, you should've gotten a lawyer to get full custody, or at least 50/50 years ago. Why does Louis need to travel 20 hours each time to LA for such little time with his own child? Also why none of his American family were with him backstage after the LA concert, just this other kid friend and a guardian (and remember the 'grandparents' and 'uncle' were there but sat separately from him, and potentially had to buy their own tickets to the concert).

It's funny hearing Louis being called both Lou-ee and Lew-is (Doncaster v non Doncaster people).

Given the amount of time I saw Oli and Louis spend with the kid and how they both interacted with him, it would not surprise me if it was later revealed that Oli was the Dad. That would explain why Oli hasn't spend more time in America with him, how the child hardly visits his family in the UK, why he hasn't hired a lawyer for better custody arrangements, because remember people, Oli's only on a PA's salary. And what the hell was that place Louis and Oli were supposedly staying at with the kid. Total opposite of the infinity pool house.

And after I heard Charlie talk twice about the filming having been organic, natural, not set up, etc and watching the 2 sections of the stunt in the docu, it just felt the opposite. Charlie was definitely trolling when he said that. And honestly for me, if these sections with the kid weren't in the film, it would not have been missed because Louis' own grandparents, siblings and childhood friends confirmed to us Louis' love for family and his personal journey. It defiantly felt like filming the kid was an afterthought, rather than preplanned or in the vision Louis or Charlie had in 2019.

Sadly no new insights about either broken arm incidents, no Louis hair and skincare discussions with Krystle, no fashion discussions with Helen, and no Clifford.

They celebrated Steve's birthday too hard in Iceland. His band is funny especially Matt. Mark Gillespie was seen backstage at Louis' LA show.

Familiar frequent flyer 'fans' were interviewed.

Louis loves his Louies, and his whole team appreciate us too.

There was only English subtitles for us. No local language because it was probably not worth translating for a limited screening that could only be used in 1 country.

I left feeling exhausted and heavy hearted seeing his journey, and very proud of Louis for how he kept going to where he is now, and how he has stayed a sweet person, and happy seeing he is surrounded by good people now. It's clear that Louis is loved and respected by those closest to him. As a One Direction fan and Louie, I enjoyed and appreciated this documentary.

This documentary is about a journey, and not a blockbuster, exposé film.

Now I feel so super ready for the tour to start because seeing Louis in concert again makes me miss those loud and fun times.

And remember, Louis is only getting started ...

(22 March 2023)

[misslavenderlady]

Thought is asked based on the horrible question number 57

57: Do you believe in true love?

I do. I found it myself. 💜

So I'll go ahead and use this opportunity to tell the story about how I met my fiance.

We actually met on Cherubplay, a writing forum for those of us in the Homestuck fandom (yes I was a Homestuck fan don't judge me). I posted a writing prompt that I really liked and someone answered it. The two of us had very compatible writing styles and ideas to share with one another. Since we hit it off so well we exchanged Tumblr and Skype usernames so we could talk more.

The two of us developed a really good friendship, talking over video call and in messages. After a couple of months I realized I was developing a crush on him, but didn't really know what to do with my feelings. Then one day I got lost on my way home from work, and I was really scared because of how dark it was outside (we were both only 17 at the time). He comforted me and let me know I wasn't alone and when I finally got home, he made sure I felt safe.

That's when I realized I was falling in love.

I didn't want to say I loved him more than as a friend because I didn't know if he felt the same way. But the day after his birthday, we ended up flirting a bit, and I outright asked if he liked me. Turns out he did and he was worried about saying anything because he thought I didn't feel the same way. So it was a big misunderstanding lol.

We jumped right into being boyfriend and girlfriend. It would be hard since I lived in Maryland and he lived in New Jersey. I'd never been in a relationship before, let alone a long-distance one. But I was optimistic.

The two of us met in person a few months later. We were in NYC to see the Rockettes, and I was chaperoned by my family in public for safety. Getting to hug and kiss and hold him for the first time was pure magic. That whole day was perfect.

After that, we ended up doing visits every 3-4 months. He was my date for my senior prom, I got to meet and befriend his friends in New Jersey, we went on beach vacations, went to museums, got to get to know our families better, and so much more. He was my biggest supporter as I studied for my degrees in college. He was there for me at my graduation too.

I had hoped we'd move in together soon after that, but Covid threw a wrench into things. He was working in a hospital at the time, so he got it right away. I was scared to death because nobody knew anything about it or the danger is posed. Thankfully, his symptoms were minor and he made a fast recovery.

By 2021 we FINALLY moved in together. It's been incredible. I get to see him every day, we get to go on adventures and have fun together whenever we want. And we both work hard to provide for my family. I'm incredibly grateful for the work he's done to help my family, as my mother is disabled and my grandparents can't work like they used to. He's such a kind-hearted man and has such a loving soul.

On 2-22-22, he proposed to me. I obviously said yes. He picked that date because it was a special good luck day from all the 2s. We're moving into our first house together next year.

So yes, I believe in true love. Not just romantically though. My partner shows true love when he picks up a special treat that he knows I like. It's how he helps make sure my mom gets her medicine. How he helps my grandfather move heavy furniture with no issue. He's kind to everyone, brightening up their day with his amazing smile and personality. He gives me big belly laughs with all the silly things he says. We write together and help one another with our stories so we can grow together as a team. And his hugs remind me that I'm loved so very much.

I believe in true love 💜💜💜

[keisgellesnwmn]

Going back to May 2020 at the moment where both of my grandparent died due to covid-19. After that, my life started to twist into a new chapter. My parents started fighting over unnecessary reasons. I am very thankful that every time I am out of the blue, there is someone who will lend an ear. In times of taking the hard road. I am optimistic that I can fight every battle I am facing in. After years, the time has come, the deafening silence of the night surprised me, while I am straightening my two curly wigs using my hands, my eyes are melting when I heard the news that a virus called COVID-19 has fully attacked our country. The land of resilient people becomes silent and noisier at poverty.

A few weeks of happiness, the light, and the pillar of our family are slowly turning into stress and sadness. The carpet of new normal started to roll. I started to attend an online class. In my first take, it wasn't difficult for me because we have gadgets and an internet connection. The week passed by and the poverty level down fast. The angelic face of my parents turns into an angry beast. They started to fight through punching bag words. I was thinking, why is this happening to my family. I find solutions to lessen the level of stress in our family. After the unstoppable war about money, my parents choose not to talk to each other. The gravity of emotions that I am carrying at that time cannot describe by words.

One day while I am in the middle of my online class, I heard some noises outside. I know my parents are arguing again. I muted my microphone, and I smiled at the camera while my teacher is teaching. When I heard my mother is crying, I left the online class (pretending that I lost my internet connection). I went outside to look at my mother then I see both. The sunny day faded and became shady. I was looking at my mother's eyes. I asked. I was speechlessly crying, when I heard what it is, why this is happening in our family, I said. Why did he do this to us, especially to you, mom? I spoke. I ate the words that I said before. I became depressed at that time because he continued his unpleasant habits even if we are in a tricky situation. I am just praying for my family's safety and happiness, especially for my mother. Today I have forgiven my father. I realized that even those things happened, I still have my father and my family. We did not became broke.

Months passed by I started having social anxiety, and to be honest the lock down a year ago made me feel good. I hate being with people and knowing that we are in a face to face set up, I must interact with people and deal with them. As days goes by, everything feels like it is going through how I like it, the lockdown extended, it was not good but for me who has social anxiety, I couldn't feel any better, but as the lockdown extends, I started missing my life, my life outside my room, I missed my friends, the people around me, which is weird , for I have a social anxiety.

It was all bearable, not until the lockdown lasted months already, breakdowns, I have no one to talk to.

That's when I realized that No man is an island, we need each other to survive, we need each other's presence. So, I gathered up all my strength, and communicate with everyone I know, and as they reply, I felt my heart warm, and realized, if it was not for them, I will not really survive.

After that I lived a very solitary life. My mother was usually gone at work, my brother would devote himself to his own activities, and there I was.

I remember I would sit outside of my home and pretend to be a rock, because rocks did not feel anything and they certainly won't cry. They were indestructible, I thought. But last summer when I spent some time alone and tried to improve my own self with all the things I wanted to learn, learning how to be alone (not lonely), I realized it is one of the most important times when you realize that you can be on your own and get your life together. It is known I realize how important was that time for me to grow.

I am not sure what exactly you are going through but try to take some actions, independent of what others around you are doing, read books, go to coffee shops meet new people, try to make some goals, and achieve them. I promise within a few weeks you would start enjoying your solitude!

[bookishtck]

Uber conversations

In jr. year undergrad, I had to use Uber for my education practicum as the school I was placed in was far from campus and I didn't have a license. (Needless to say I am still recovering financially, but the drivers were cool.) Here are some of the conversations I remember...

A 40-something Korean American man who had bought land in Costa Rica from his college roommate's family to make a coffee business, but was now back in the suburbs to take care of his parents. He was the self-proclaimed black sheep middle child with no kids, so the responsibility fell on him.

A brusque, corporate-sounding, well-dressed Tesla driver who told me that he bought two or three other Teslas at the same time he had bought this one. I asked why he was doing Uber if he had money for 3 Teslas and he said "In life, you find that the only money you really have is the cash inside your hand. I've gained millions and lost millions overnight." He was a car dealership owner and we talked about how the invention of the lightbulb changed our society to be pervaded by capitalism. Obviously, he assumed I didn't know how to open the door.

A borderline drunk man in a wifebeater who kept trying to find out my age. I was going to a gyno appointment and he overheard me telling my birthday to the check-in worker over the phone. He made a "pheeeeewwww" sound and seemed genuinely concerned for me (I think he thought I was getting an abortion.)

A former racehorse trainer who was not so much angry at the world as he was confused about why things are so messed up. Because of how Covid changed the entertainment industry, he had lost his job. I offhandedly mentioned my beliefs as a Christian. He said he believes in God and grew up in church but still doesn't get why people are so selfish.

A Ghanian man who after hearing that my grandparents immigrated from Korea, went on a passionate tirade on how lazy Americans are. "You've got to TOIL," he kept saying. He seemed okay hearing that I'm studying to be a teacher.

The car pulls up and there is a giant poster saying I STAND WITH IMRAM KAHN with Kahn's face on the door. I ask the driver about the poster and it turns out he ran away from Pakistan because he's in trouble with govt for speaking out against their actions. I think his family is still there. Naturally, I related his political situation to the only one I have extensive knowledge on: North Korea. We emphatically bashed world dictators together while agreeing on the necessity of free speech.

Similar to the Pakistani gentleman, an older Turkish man who taught me how to say thank you in Turkish, and also was in trouble with their govt. He kept saying "If I go Turkey, I go jail. They are very bad." But I think he has family here, which is good. He was quite cautious and even asked me if he could take a call from his wife. I wonder if previous customers gave him a hard time.

An extremely relaxed-sounding Romanian man who asked every Korean American's most dreaded question ("North or South?"), then said it was just a joke when I told him, laughingly: "Every driver asks me that." He talked about his upcoming travels to Europe, and I asked him what it's like living in the US. He sped through a railroad crossing as the bar was coming down and we kind of just laughed it off.

The worst by far: a guy who asked "You Chinese? Oh, Korean? You doctor?" and then "You so beautiful." It was scary because it was still dark outside and no one else was on the road. I stayed as quiet as I could. He was the only Egyptian I've met that I didn't like.

A man who gave me the inside info on how Uber exploits its workers. He asked how much I paid for the ride and said he gets about $3 less than that. Also, the Uber app is skewed in favor of the customers and the company, not the drivers: they have a harsh penalty for cancelling rides, even if they are in danger because of the customer. I had never thought of that. This driver also talked about how he dodged bullets because he once drove a distraught young girl to her mother's house out of state while her crazed abuser chased her out of the airport. Apparently she was holding a pillowcase as a backpack and was crying. Upon arrival, her mother gave him a massive tip, so he said that in hindsight he probably saved her life.

A cheery Puerto Rican lady who practiced Spanish with me and was impressed with my accent, laughing the whole time. When she turned around to say goodbye, she happy-freaked-out at my eyes (monolids) and pulled her own eyes in a slant. Weirdly, this has happened before from another Latina lady. I took it as a compliment both times.

I don't remember his name, but he was a younger guy from an African country, maybe Kenya, and he asked for help to he could take an English competency class at my college. I gave him the info, but now I feel like I should have directed him to a college nearby my own, which would be more practical. I wonder if it worked out for him; he's probably very busy.

[butwhatifitis]

A mysterious damsel in her 30s venting about her life in #secret. The #manifestations. The #love. The #situationship. The #heartbreaks. The #healing. The #mania. All in little snippets. #TTPD has inspired the spilling of my real life because maybe, just maybe, someone can relate.

BACK STORY - Mom. Divorcee. Two kids. Who can handle her shit and always comes back from the lowest of the low like a phoenix. No parents, grandparents or siblings. Raised by a beautiful single mother who has passed on. My father is non-existent in my life, but lives 5 minutes away. Ex-husband was a controlling, narcissistic emotional abuser but we’ve learned to co-parent well after time.

Here we go. I met someone who has added so much happiness to my life but has also broken my heart more than once. We met four years ago but COVID killed the opportunity to be together. After a year of no communication, he found me again at random. This time? It was beautiful. The only way to describe how much he means to me is…home. A short 8 months later, he ended things with what I’ve come to know now as excuses. He’s never left his childhood home. The man has commitment issues. My suspicions are he can’t picture a future with his living situation with anyone. No matter how much he wants them..so he runs. He doesn’t keep exes around, but I’m the exception. It’s a true definition of a situationship. #imgonnagetyouback is quite literally applied to my “ship” as I’ve been #downbad for quite some time. He decided last year that he had found someone that he wanted to give a real chance to and he couldn’t do that with how we are. He told me this the morning after my first suicide attempt. No, he didn’t know. I was already broken, but that obliterated me. I was already no longer in control of my mind or body. Ive hid my manic depression very, very well to everyone in my life. I wore an invisible mask daily. I tried again after I begged him not to stop being my friend...but I’m still here.

Those three months of no communication were one of the worst times of my life. He never left my mind. I thought I was delusional because if he felt the same way as I do…how could he leave me safe and stranded? I convinced myself he hated me, that I annoyed him and was a burden. It was the only way I could cope. But he came back, admitting I was always on his mind. That his feelings for me had never left and were so strong he couldn’t have a real relationship with me in his life. Our #alchemy wasn’t just my imagination. Our attempt to be back together failed because I had a close friend that I considered a sister betray me. Things I’d told her in confidence were told to him behind my back. The drama of that situation was too much. But we never stopped talking. Let’s fast forward to the present.

I’ve met lifelong friends because of him. His mother loves me and I love her. His sister is now my best friend after starting to work with me. Due to this, we see each other quite often. We dance with our hands tied constantly. We’re playful in front of everyone but oh…if you could only see what happens when they aren’t looking. #Illicitaffairs can be applied as well. The longing and stolen stares are incredibly real. But we’re both seeing other people (nothing official…just dating so far) and I’ve come to my own crossroads after being able to see the other side of him that I’d never seen before. The at home life. I love him and I’ve told him this once. He didn’t say it back all that time ago but damnit I know in my bones he loves me and it scares him because being with me pushes him out of what he’s known and is comfortable with. I’m independent, strong willed and have my own home that I manage well. Hes never done what we consider normal. I’m intimidating it seems. The person I’m seeing is everything I’ve wanted and could picture developing into something great but it’s hurts so much that he could…no I absolutely know…he will realize what he’s lost once I fully commit to this new man. That what if is what keeps me apprehensive but I can’t wait anymore. I have no more sad in me. He will always be in my life which is why this is so hard and hurts but this new man deserves to be treated so, so good.

…okay I’m done for now. I need to touch grass and be social. We will continue pouring out my soul soon.

[mariacallous]

Editor’s note: We decided to keep our special correspondent anonymous because of concerns about their safety.

Protesting on the streets had always seemed risky for Zhu, even as a Chinese student in the United States, so she had never attended one before. (She asked to use a pseudonym for this piece.) But last Friday night, she attended her first-ever demonstration, near the gate of Boston’s Chinatown, where a small marble memorializing the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre stands.

About 200 mostly Chinese people gathered to commemorate the lives lost in an apartment fire on Nov. 24 in Urumqi, the northwestern Chinese city where Zhu’s grandparents had been under a strict lockdown for more than three months. The Urumqi fire inspired anti-lockdown protests across China, which helped spark a wave of policy changes that have severely weakened the zero-COVID regime. One of the earliest and most prominent demonstrations occurred on Shanghai’s Urumqi Road, right across the street from the elementary school Zhu had attended.

“It feels wrong not to show up,” Zhu, a public health student from Shanghai, told Foreign Policy later. “I have the privilege to live a comfortable life here in the U.S., while people back home are dying from zero-COVID policies.”

Zhu is among the tens of thousands of young Chinese people in the global diaspora who have turned up at protests in solidarity after China’s extraordinary wave of protests in recent weeks. As Beijing moved quickly to clamp down on protesters on the mainland, overseas organizers staged hundreds of gatherings worldwide, according to a tally kept by activists at Citizens Daily, a network run by a handful of anonymous volunteers that focuses on pro-democracy causes in China.

Zhu’s concern for her safety is not unwarranted. The Chinese Communist Party (CCP) is known for spying on overseas students and sees the diaspora as a potential source of political unrest. Attending an anti-Beijing protest abroad could easily bring the police to the doorsteps of their relatives back home. All interviewees spoke to Foreign Policy on the condition of anonymity to protect their safety.

Seven weeks before this round of demonstrations, a protest at Beijing’s Sitong Bridge had already spurred a smaller group of overseas students into action. Peng Lifa, the lone protester now known as “Bridge Man,” hung banners in central Beijing directly criticizing Chinese leader Xi Jinping’s zero-COVID policies and called for him to step down.

Although he was quickly arrested and few in China heard about the incident, overseas students put up flyers inspired by the banners on college campuses. Those flyers allowed them to raise attention to the issue without risking their safety. The wave of reactions already surprised and encouraged activists, sowing the seeds for a new round of action.

The looming threat from Beijing also forces most organizers to stay anonymous, using more secure social media platforms, such as Telegram, to coordinate their efforts within a small group. Then they post information about their protest to accounts like Citizens Daily, which has been aggregating protest information since overseas students started echoing the demands of Bridge Man two months ago by putting up flyers on university campuses.

On Nov. 28, Citizens Daily published a list of four demands of the “A4 Revolution,” named after the blank sheets of white paper held by protesters in China to symbolize the country’s heavy censorship. The four demands—ending zero-COVID policies, releasing arrested protesters, allowing public vigils for victims, and guaranteeing constitutional rights—were adopted by many groups.

In some of the protests in China, such as the gathering on Shanghai’s Urumqi Road, there were calls for Xi to step down. But while many in the overseas movement share such views, organizers have largely steered clear of such language in their official statements, wanting to push a broader platform and avoid internal disagreements.

Pica, a student who attended a protest in Seoul, told Foreign Policy that some demonstrators at the scene disagreed with the majority there who called for Xi to step down.

A small number wanted to prohibit non-Chinese people from attending the demonstration, attempting to avoid being accused of foreign intervention—a trope frequently employed by Beijing’s propaganda organs to smear dissenters.

“I am totally against this,” Pica told Foreign Policy. “Protests against authoritarianism and injustice shouldn’t exclude anyone. It should be transnational.”

For some activists, Uyghur issues were the missing piece of the protests. There has been a brutal crackdown on Uyghur freedoms and culture in Xinjiang over the last five years, and the fire on Nov. 24 took place in a majority-Uyghur neighborhood.

“We made it very clear that ‘end Uyghur genocide’ is part of our platform,” said Ava, a Han Chinese student activist based in Toronto whose group has staged several events since the Bridge Man demonstration, including one in front of the Chinese Consulate in Toronto that drew hundreds of people.

Ava, who sees Uyghurs and Tibetans as persecuted nationalities, said the organizers are mindful that conflicts can occur between those who hold mainstream Chinese nationalist views and minority groups. But instead of shying away from the problem, her group is deliberately inviting representatives from the Uyghur and Tibetan communities to speak about their experiences at their events.

But others found the new sense of solidarity moving. In the past, Chinese students on U.S. campuses have used intimidation tactics against their classmates from marginalized groups who tried to speak out.

According to an anonymous submission to Northern Square, another aggregation account on Instagram that has become a community for ordinary Chinese people who hold anti-Communist Party views, a Uyghur representative who spoke at a demonstration outside the Chinese Consulate in New York City on Nov. 29 said he had never seen so many Chinese nationals standing in solidarity with Uyghurs. Organizers of the event invited Uyghurs to provide personal accounts of CCP suppression in Xinjiang, which drew unified chants in support of the Uyghurs.

Zhu, the student who attended a protest in Boston that also featured Uyghur speakers, said listening to such personal accounts has inspired her to pay more attention to Uyghur causes. Despite having Han Chinese grandparents who live in Xinjiang, Zhu said she had not previously known much about the concentration camps.

Aside from Uyghurs, activists at many of these events took the opportunity to build solidarity with other oppressed groups, in and outside China.

“Women’s rights and LGBTQ rights were very much highlighted,” said Ava of the events her group had organized, noting that more than half of the 18 organizers in her group are female or queer. “We always have women’s rights and queer rights speakers.”

She said it was the “chained woman” incident—when video of a woman chained by the neck outside her home in a rural Chinese village spurred public outcry this year—that prompted her to speak out more, even though her “political enlightenment” happened when she was 14. In addition, Ava said, the events also featured Iranian feminist groups, who spoke about their struggle for equality.

Yet Wu, a student in London, said attending protests as a woman can be frustrating. She estimated that over 70 percent of the more than 1,000 attendees at a demonstration she attended were women, yet she could still hear male speakers make offensive and sexist comments.

Despite that, hearing the chants for Xi to step down outside the Chinese Embassy was still an empowering experience for Wu.

“It wasn’t my first time speaking out, but hearing the large crowd shouting … I just couldn’t help crying,” Wu told Foreign Policy. “It was so thrilling.”

Experiences like this motivated Wu to continue her activism. Recently, she and her friends started an Instagram account to highlight gender inequalities in China. The account is called “We Are All Chained Women,” referring to the same event that spurred Ava, and many other Chinese women, into political activism.

As zero-COVID policies end in China, Wu and her friends are worried that many people will lose their interest in protesting. But she will be among another group of young Chinese people spread across the world, gathering again this Saturday on U.N. Human Rights Day.

As authorities in China take measures against student protesters, overseas organizers hope their activism could bring more safety to their allies back home.

“If we keep advocating for the release of those who are arrested and garner international pressure onto the Chinese government,” Ava said, “these people have a higher likelihood of being released early and being safer.”

While protesters abroad still face significant risks that forbid them to speak more openly, the recent protests have offered a sense of hope for many.

“If we build a stronger diaspora community,” Ava said, “we can try to support the domestic resistance better.”

[enzie-ki]

OOC || Uncanny counter s2e5 thoughts

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

Poor Mr.Ma :( bro lost his wife and unborn baby I feel so bad.

And his poor mother

it hurts so much song older women cry

PIL KWANG YOU BASTARD LEAVE THEM ALONE

GELLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER

Y'all better not try and recruit him

YOU AND YOUR STUPID COIN PIL KWANG

Oh Mo-Tak is theorising now

AHHH MY BABY'S BACK

THE ATMOSPHERE IS WRONG BUT I APPRECIATE YOU

oh no now he has to tell his grandparents

WAIT IT'S GOING BACK TO WHEN HE SAVED HER FROM THE ROOFTOP

NOOOO THAT'S TOO SAD WHY

WHY THAT

OIL DEMON LEAVE HIM ALONE

YOU AND YOUR STUPID SCREECHING VOICE

AHH STUPID PRISON BULLIES YOU BETTER LEAVE HIM ALONE

LEAVE HIS WIFE OUT OF IT

OH NO IT'S KWANG AGAIN

leave him alone!!!

WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED IT WAS HIM GELLY AND WONG THAT KILLED HER DAMNIT

LEAVE HIM ALONE PIL KWANG

(I just realised it's spelled Hwang/Gwang not Kwang)

Who is this guy

why u flirting with ha-na

wait you're the piano guy!

WAIT HA-NA FLASHBACKS

HE VISITED HER WHEN SHE WAS IN A COMA THAT'S SO SWEET

BUT SHE CAN'T TELL HIM

AYO CHAIRMAN CHOI COMING IN CLUTCH

they ain't gonna shoot him right

BRO YOU'RE SCARING MY BABY BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE GLAD HE'S BACK

GLAD THE SNIFFER IS BACK BUT GELLY I HOPE YOU LOSE YOUR OTHER EYE

Now who the hell are these guys

WAIT SHE'S BEHIND THE CONSTRUCTION SCAM???

NOO THESE GUYS REALLY RUINED MR. MA AND MRS. LEE'S LIFE

bro they're trying to kill her?

OH IT'S NOT ACRYLICS SHE'S GOT IT'S KNUCKLE SPIKES

hell yeah go counters!

Oh shizwizzle Gelly really got them all huh

Not that I underestimated her but damn

YEAH YOU BETTER RUN GELLY

JEOK BONG DONT REVEAL URSELF

BRO SKIS JUST STEP OUT OF THE GAS

Ur poor nose baby

Wait they know about the construction stuff now!

Ms Chu hell yeah you go girl, start theorising!

AHH HAN-UL MY OTHER BABY I'M GLAD MO-TAK IS STILL WORKING WITH YOU

Oh not Pil Hwang again

Stop being so weird and mysterious

You're hot but don't overdo it

AHH WALL OIL MONKEY DEMON BE QUIET

STOP TALKING ABOUT HIS WIFE

OH NO HIS EYES YUP HE'S GONE

AAA yeye HAN-UL!

YOU AND MO-TAK ARE A GREAT DUO

Jeong-Yeong would be proud

OH NO IT'S THE GUY THAT'S IN LOVE WITH HER AAA

wait but I wanted her and Mun to get together! I'm conflicted about this...

He's so sweet!

WAIT THAT'S MUN'S FRIEND OH SHI-

LET JEOK-BONG EAT DUMPLINGS DAMNIT

DONT STARVE MY BABY

WAIT UNG MIN TOLD MUN OH

wait jeok Bong likes her?

Girl you got all the men SIMPING gawsh dayum!

AA SHE'S HAVING FUN THAT'S GOOD

Wait don't touch her

don't touch her or you will get thrown into next week

HUH SHE'S NOT?

oh yeah he has no powers lol

OH NO JEOK BONG'S HERTBROKEN

My poor baby

I want Ha-Na to be happy though

Ooh money laundering, great

HAN-UL I LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE LEAVE THIS IS THE WRONG TIME

Gelly which poor man are you choking now

WAIT THEY'RE BREAKING KNYK THE PRISON?

LEAVE MR. MA ALONE YOU FURRY BASTARD

HE'S GONE GONE OH NO

GELLY WHAT DID THAT GUARD DO TO YOU

ok Mr Kwang/hwang/Gwang you look really hot rn but I still hate you

WHY DO I FALL FOR ALL THE VILLAINS ALL THE TIME DAMNIT

LEAVE MR MA ALONE

I FEEL LIKE LATER ON HE'S GOING TO KILL THEM

OR AT LEAST TRY

Now that I notice both Gelly and Mr k/h/g look fine

GELLY LEAVE HIM ALONE

STOP

WHY DO YOU BULLY HIM SO MUCH

HE'S GONNA GET WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU ARE AND YOU'RE GONNA D-I-E

GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM PIL K/H/G

NOOIOOOKKKKOOFKRJDHSKSBSJKSBSJSKSVSJSJSNDBSMKS

nuuu my baby😭😭😭

Mo-Tak and Mun are genuinely such a good duo

there's so many good duos in this show

Poor Mr. Ma's mother, I feel so bad for her.

IT'S THE OIL DIMENSION AGAIN GAHHHH

OIL MONKEY DEMON GO BACK TO WHENCE YOU CAME

YOU AND YOUR STICKY HANDS AND STICKY SELF

EW STOP KISSING HIM

YOU WEIRDO WTF

DUDE PROBABLY JUST GOT COVID-20 AND HEPATITIS-F

Bro leave Mr. Ma alone

You're all gonna die bro but I don't feel bad because you're all pricks

Actually no I do feel bad

He's straight up vecna-ing them rn

WHY ARE PEOPLE RUNNING AT A MAN WITH TELEKINESIS

WHY ARE YOU STILL TRYING TO GET AT HIM

ayo?????

bro drank some redbull or some shiz bcus damn he got WINGS

NAHH YOU BETTER NOT TURN HIM AGAINST MUN

OIL MONKEY BRAT

AND IT ENDS THERE GOSH DAMNIT

Overall, great episode, 10/10, everything was great(seething with rage), I saw so many of my favourite characters(foaming at the mouth), the plots coming together is honestly awesome (gnashing teeth)

OOC || UNCANNY COUNTER S2E4 THOUGHTS

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

glad we've got another furry lady (Gelly) to replace hyang-hui

If she hurts my baby I will break her acrylics

and also her spine

Pil Kwang and Mun are really just stranger things-ing it right now and I'm all here for it

It's giving eleven vs one but better because I like this show

Ah yes the power of a promise made you stronger good

how dare that man try and shoot chairman Choi if I snatch your weave this second

Gelly please stop with the scratching

So many problems would be stopped if people used their teeth as weapons

Getting choked? Bite. Getting held down? Bite. Jeok Bong I know you're new but please just bite her

MS SO IS BACK WOOHOO AND WONG IS GONE BOY GETCHA VAMPIRE LOOKIN-AHH OUT OF HERE

(he was kinda cool though)

oh damnit I forgot about the other Chinese counters

WAHOO MS CHU AND MS SO APPRECIATION

Chairman Choi you better thank Mun for saving you from that bullet

mo tak coming in with the tango disc pop off king

MS CHU WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU

CHAIRMAN CHOI IS SIMPING REAL HARD RN

DAMN ARE THEY GOOD AT DANCE

oh no jeok-Bong are you good

my poor baby noo

GELLY YOU DESERVED THAT I DIDN'T EVEN REALISE YOUR EYE WAS GONE BUT HELL IF YOU DESERVED IT

Pil Kwang why are you naked Pil Kwang why are you naked I don't care you just got out of the bath WHY ARE YOU NAKED PIL KWANG WHY ARE YOU

excuse me what is this wet monkey looking thing

you look like you smell of bin juice and petrol

STOP CORRUPTING MY MR. MA

STOP BREATHING IN HIS FACE TOO YOU'LL GIVE HIM BLACK LUNG

oh I really hope he doesn't get possessed but I have a very bad feeling he will

JEOK BONG WHERE ARE YOU

YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE ME NOOOO

GELLY YOU FURRY BASTARD YOU SCARED HIM

NOW HE FEELS WORTHLESS ASDAGFJGKGASHKHF

HE BETTER COME BACK

I swear if its because his pores are clogged that his power stopped working or because he got punched I will cry

Jeok-Bong's dad stop comparing your son, that happened to me and it was BAD

My poor baby UnU

SEONG-SIK YOU BASTARD

HOW DARE YOU PUT MY BABY IN DANGER

LEAVE HIM ALONE

LEAVE THE DAD ALONE TOO

ayo why does this man have so much blood in his nose

AHH HIS POWER CAME BACK

HE JUST HAD TO GET GUT IN THE NOSE AGAIN

HELL YEAH GET WRECKED YOU STINKY BASTARD

GET HIM BABY WAHOO

PUT COW DUNG ON THAT MAN

MMMMM Y'ALL IN YUNG BETTER BE CHEERING

WELL DONE JEOK-BONG

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

TO ETERNAL OIL HELL WITH YOU EVIL SPIRIT

AWWW JONG-GUK ISNT MAD GOOD

WAIT HE'S 21?

I SMELL MORE BS IN THAT STATEMENT THAN JEOK-BONG DOES AT WORK GOSH DAMN

THE BIG BROTHER STATEMENT

Aww him and his dad are bonding again finally

This is so wholesome I'm going to cry

MHM UR MAKING YOUR DAD PROUD JEOK-BONG

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

No because tell me why Mun has such a good fashion sense

And Mo-Tak too

And Ha Na

All of them actually

Gelly I regret to tell you but that steak is raw

I hope you get food poisoning

STOP MAKING CONNECTIONS DAMNIT

LEAVE MR MA ALONE

NOO IT'S THE EVIL OIL DEMON THING

LEAVE HIM ALONE

YOU AND YOUR MONKEY SOUNDING VOICE BETTER SINK BACK INTO THE OIL OCEAN

Mo-Tak please relax you're like three 9 year-olds in a trench coat

KWANG AND GELLY

YOU BASTARDS

EVIL OIL DEMON STUPID

LEAVE MY MR. MA OUT OF THIS

HOW DARE THE EPISODE END THERE

[thatdisasterauthor]

It was exactly two years ago that the East Troublesome Fire made its big run towards Grand Lake Colorado. And I have. Feelings.

That fire was so different from all the others. That whole summer was. I had been interested in natural disasters before, been pretty well educated on them, but that summer really kicked it into high gear. I was surrounded by fire. There's three access points to where I live if you're coming in from the east (not counting backroads) and all but one, the one most out of the way, was shut down.

I watched the ETF roll over the ridge across the valley. I listened on the emergency radios to the evacuees and fire fighters running out of gas. I watched the planes dip out of the reservoir where my sister and I always go kayaking. I read the Facebook posts of people begging for help evacuating their horses even though they'd already evacuated once and thought they were safe, but then things got worse and they had to evacuate a second time. I listened to calls for food and water for the firefighters because the fire had run so hard, so fast, they didn't have time to figure out supplies. I brought hygiene supplies to the local fire departments, because their crews were running out and it was the height of COVID and no one had soap. I listened as they found a man who was on his tractor protecting his fields and tried to get him to leave, but he wouldn't go. I listened to everyone trying to rationalize how the fire had jumped the divide, something no fire had ever done, not like this. I watched as people panicked that all of Grand Lake had been lost, because we just didn't know. I listened as people panicked as they realized that even if their home survived the fire, they might lose it to burst pipes because a blizzard had rolled in on top of the fire. I listened as they found the two victims of the fire.

I walked around our house and photographed everything we owned. Generations of family heirlooms, made an updated plan with my dad of what to grab in what order. The lovely pastel dishes my grandparents were gifted on their wedding. My great-grandfather's guns. The dishes cabinet that has been passed between a dozen family members over a hundred years; I'd just repainted it a soft yellow color the summer before. The mounted deer antlers from deer my grandfather had shot. The little bunny picture that had hung in my room since I was a child. The footprints in the concrete from generations of babies.

But, at the same time, as dark as those days were, the way people came together was amazing. The horses all got evacuated. The man on the tractor managed to save his fields. The firefighters got fed (regulations be damned, they were getting some fucking sandwiches). Gas got trucked in over the pass. Plumbers from all over the county teamed up with firefighters to go into the burn zone and get people's water turned off so their pipes wouldn't burst. Everyone traded information on what had burned and what hadn't. A whole new law office was formed to help people navigate insurance and rebuilding.

As for myself, well. There's a reason I own a truck. Yeah, I use it to haul firewood, or convention supplies. But mostly? I own it because I know damn well that one day I am going to have to run. That I am going to have to pack up as much as I can carry of my family's legacy, and drive away from the rest. I'd prefer for "the rest" to be as little as possible, so I will always keep the truck, stereotypes be damned.

[myloveandlifeinlajolla]

It’s good to know that this still helps some people/Being MIA / Update

I haven’t been on Tumblr for some time.  Honestly, life is just so busy that it’s hard to find the time to sit and write.  

A little update then.  My sisters are doing great.  My youngest is still taking classes remotely from La Jolla and says she has no desire to go back to NY.  .  She lives at the La Jolla house with my grandparents.  I think she really enjoys hearing all the stories of dad and mom.  She get’s questions all the time about boiys, classes, why don’t I date, all the usual stuff.  The Coronado house we bought for them is just a rental now and dad keeps it.  My mIddle sister is going around Europe right now and has been having a blast.  We went out for a week to visit her.  I have completely forgot what it’s like to travel. Como and Niece were so amazing.  It was a much needed break because I have been living in a book for the past year.  My first year went well but very tough.  It took me a while to get my head back into study mode.  And honestly pulling 6am to 1am days get’s very old very quickly.  I used to drink quite a bit of tea but I have been living off of coffee, cappuccinos, and yes the total basic pumpkin when its out.  I am finding I like living in the bay area much more than visiting.  There is a small cafe I like to study at but it’s a bit of a drive/walk called, cafe Trieste.  There is something amazing in this city for everyone.  The big festivals are fun and a great way to experience parts of the city.  Dad is moving his boat up here and has found a new passion in road-bikes and crossfit. I can’t say I mind I haven’t seen his legs look that good in a long time and the lifting has totally boosted his libeato.  Ugh... rar it’s been fun for sure.  The business has been amazing right during the last 2 years.  I guess that’s a good thing that came from covid. And, it forced me to make a concrete move on my career.  

The new house is just about done it’s stunning and I never thought I would go for an older style house but I fell in love with this one.  The floors are white oak, there is wainscoting everywhere, The kitchen is amazing,  Anyways, that’s done. Were moved in.  Dad has the top floor pretty much to himself.  (and me).  His study is absolutely amazing and I find myself using it alot more than him.  

Dad and I are still great.  We are not nearly as careful as we were in San Diego.  Here people assume that I am either his trophy wife or and escort.  I don’t really hang out with people from school and I’m not a party animal as much as I used to be; only when Catie comes up.  IT was fun we took Catie out when she came to visit and Dad knew she knew but it was like the first time that he didn’t pretend anything was going on.  He greeted her like normal and then he came back to the loveseat and sat back right next to me and put his arm around me and let me put my hand on his thigh....wow there big steps!  He’s been working out doing HIIT, Crossfit, and riding and it has made him really fit I didn’t mind when he lost his abs because honestly so did I but now his shoulders are huge, his lats look like he’s been swimming again.  His calves look like his legs swallowed a grapefruit.  Ugh it just makes me want to jump his bones everytime were together.  The sex has been incredible, I have been joining him in the shower again like I haven’t since my college days and I’m not saying I have the motivation for a bj every morning but he definitely gets alot more of them.  He’s still super soft in bed and sometimes I still have to take charge but man he’s still got it.  There was one Saturday i woke up early (for me) he was in the shower and I was still sore from the last night but I went in and started my thing and he came, then had me on the bed again which was great but I was still oozing from last night and he just straight re arranged my guts, I swear I could feel  him under my stomach.  I came so many times, I oozed all day!  Let;s just the move has been great for our sex life and relationship.  

The other day I had the privilege of talking to a new follower.  

myloveandlifeinlajolla Hi, and thanks for the reblogs. I love yours as well. I try to say hi to everyone that stops by. Anyways, have a good day!

- Oh wow, that is so kind of you 🌸🫧 Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing glimpses of your life with such clarity. That truly means a lot and somehow makes a lot of difference! It‘s encouraging to read your story and I am grateful that you speak up about it. Thank you so much being!

myloveandlifeinlajolla Are you involved in it?

-No, I‘m not. Coming from a different niche. I have experienced what many people call child abuse. And while there are some effects that have been causing long lasting damage, which definitely have been frightening and scarring me emotionally, there were plenty of moments filled with immense pleasure even as a young child. What I perceived to be the most traumatizing was the social mindset and tabooing of sexuality in children. As there is no open and public discussion about it, there is no opportunity to integrate a healthy sexuality into a young persons life, causing all sorts of dilemma and everyone pointing the finger at the other. It‘s truly agonizing to me to watch this happen, as this leads to preventable harm being caused. Children are humans too and denying that won‘t eradicate their sexuality, even if it is different from adult sexuality. You sharing your story opens up a discussion about different forms of sexuality in a non-judgmental way. I‘d love to see this happen more often, which is why your blog has got such an important impact on me. Deeply appreciate you for that

myloveandlifeinlajolla I am so glad I can help. If you want to talk to me about this stuff Id love to hear your story.

myloveandlifeinlajolla It's so complicated. Everyone is slightly different and I understand the desire to protect younger children because honestly most have no idea what they are doing, have bad judgement etc... Take me for example If i knew we going to end up like this I would have been active as early as I could . like I knew what kissing was and that's sex was a thing adults did who loved each other. I had a very elementary understanding of the concept. I'm not sure if my understanding would have changed with more conversations or exposure to it.

-Oh I would love to stay in touch. It means a lot being able to talk about such matters openly! I haven’t introduced myself yet, I‘m Shelley 🌸

-I‘m quite busy at the moment which is why I can’t fully jot down my story now. It‘s difficult to do as well, because I‘m struggling with memory barriers. My flashbacks are incoherent and rather physical (so next to no visuals and no clear story). It’s happened inside the family including stepfathers (I had more than one). What I do remember clearly is that I had quite a flirty relationship with my last stepfather. We would go on dates (dinner, movie night, I smoked my first cigarette with him, he promised me to take me overseas). That was in full awareness of my mother. I loved him. I was in love with him. I still dream of sleeping with him. We did not have sex in those days of my teenage years and I cannot recollect for my life if it was him I don’t had sexual encounters as a child or someone else. I am mourning missed opportunities I could have had with him, but I also build myself anew. I brokered contact with him at 17. I’m 23 now. I‘m yearning for his touch as much as I am relieved to have started a life of my own. It‘s no clear lines, I cannot tell what is right or wrong. I‘ve been coming to terms with the fact that essentially I was in a three way relationship with my mother and stepfather. Watching them have sex as a child. Was it dreams that involved me in those encounters or was it real - I honestly do not know. But I did feel pleasure at times. I cannot tell whose hands it were that introduced me to my clitoris. That tingling sensation, the overwhelming pleasure that made me addicted and ready to submit to whatever would promise me such a feeling again. There were chocking hands and bathtub water. A red penis to be swallowed. I know not many believe in that, but I was fully capable of squirting and causing huge wet spots after hours of being brought to the edge as a child. All of this also made me an outsider among my peers, because I soon figured out I could not talk about such things. Either because I was seen as a dramatic liar or because it would disturb and harm others.

-I‘m sorry for some of the unfitting words. Autocorrect wanted to have a say as well 😅

-I so lace what you have been saying in your second message! It really is complicated! I can totally see the desire to protect a young being as well! I‘m just wondering, if that is possible by completely sheltering and isolating them from sexuality. In my journey to understand my life I have stumbled across a book called Emotional Flow: A Holistic Approach To Healing Sadism. I’ve found some view points in that book to be quite thought provoking, as it was mentioning other cultures in which children as young as 3 years old, that also grew up uns village, were being allowed to live in seperate shelters with other kids their age. It would be totally normal for them to explore and engage in there sexuality. At their pace. Among their age. The book stated that apparently that village had a crime rate next to none. I do not know, if that is true, or a bit skewed, but it would be interesting to explore. It goes on to mention that in our society that would be difficult to introduce as so many are quite rigid, which is also a sign of unhealed wounds. But the author mentions that there are sage ways in which adults may even engage sexually with very young children, if they were only shown how to properly do it without causing the pain, which is what is traumatizing. I also do not know how ideal of an idea that is. But again worth talking about. In this sentiment I am not surprised at all to hear you say that your relationship with your father was on your mind so early. Please know there are people out there who can meet you at your level without any judgement or overindulgent reaction. Would love to hear from you again. Sending my love out to you 💕☘️🐬 -I so agree with your last message* 

myloveandlifeinlajollawould you mind if I posted our conversation? I always keep people anon.

-No, would not mind at all :)

[amurder-ofcrows]

i’m really scared i won’t be able to spend another holiday with my great grandparents ever again. i don’t know how long it will be before my family is able to travel to germany, both for safety reasons because of covid and also money reasons. i zoom call my family every other weekend, and recently, my uroma has been getting sick. she’s had to go to the hospital a few times. and if she passes away, my uropa wouldn’t be able to support himself on his own. yes my opa and oma and my aunt would help him, but how do you heal an old man who will lose his wife of over 60 years? especially an old man who is VERY stubborn and prone to sudden heart attacks.

obviously seeing them at any point is priority. my dad said that as soon as we’re able, we’re going, end of discussion. but more specifically, i’m worried i won’t be able to spend hanukkah with them, or if i’m lucky, the high holidays next year. obviously there are more holidays jews have in between those, but i’m more content spending those with my mom and dad only than i am with hanukkah and the high holidays. hanukkah was always my favorite holiday because i loved my uropa’s latke recipe (which my dad can follow really well) and the chocolate. i also have a dreidel that has been passed down through my family for a while and i’m an only child who doesn’t go to synagogue so i never really had anyone my age to play dreidel with when i was younger. but my uropa and uroma always played with me. if we didn’t go over to germany to spend hanukkah with them, they would come to us. as i got older and school became more important, it became harder to spend the high holidays with my family because they fall towards the start of the school year, but we would always call.

now that i’m an adult and i’m not bound by school, we had made plans to spend the high holidays with my family in germany and then they would come to us for hanukkah. covid made that impossible. and i don’t know when i’ll be able to spend any holiday with them. as i’ve gotten older, i feel more connected to my family’s history. my family was lucky enough to survive the holocaust while still living in germany, even though we lost many family friends and extended family members. and my family is very proud of being jewish. when they were under soviet control in east berlin and east germany, they still practiced their faith even through the harassment they received. even though my dads an atheist (to the dismay of the rest of my family…) he still has a strong connection to the jewish culture and considers himself a secular jew. my family also accepted my gender and sexuality because of their history and strong sense of family. they knew that lgbt people were killed alongside jews in the holocaust, and when i came out, they were scared for me. they know how much antisemitism is still present, and even if they didn’t know personally how much homophobia and transphobia is still present, they knew our shared history and they knew that if antisemitism was still as present as it is today, then homophobia and transphobia would be too. my oma reached out to her rabbi when i came out and he gave her advice on reading the torah from a trans perspective to help her understand and support me. i cannot disconnect my families love of me from their religion and culture.

so that’s why it’s so important to me to spend the holidays with them. i haven’t been able to spend an actual holiday with them since i’ve been on T and got top surgery, and that’s something that’s really important for me to do. yes, we zoom call a lot and we have a family group chat where we share what we do every holiday apart, but it’s not the same. as hanukkah gets closer, the more i want to see my uroma pretend to suddenly find chocolate and give it to me multiple times throughout the night even though my mom tells her i’ve had enough. i want to be by the menorah that survived against all odds. i want my uroma’s homemade applesauce that goes so well with my uropa’s latkes. i want to laugh as my opa ignores the homemade applesauce and goes for sour cream instead and watch my oma shake her head at him fondly. i want to see my aunt’s yearly art project that she does for all the holidays. i miss all of that. and i know that it may be the last time i get to have that ever. yes i would still have my oma and opa and aunt, but a huge part of my heart is my uroma and uropa. i miss them dearly.

idk this is really rambly feel free to ignore it. but if you’re jewish and you haven’t been able to celebrate the holidays because of covid, know i’m with you. it sucks, doesn’t it? so everyone, please wear your masks and get vaccinated. i wanna see my family again.

[ivydoomkitty]

As this year draws to a close, I, like many, struggled and hurt through it all. 2020 has been one of the roughest years of my life. I lost a ton of work, found out about my grandparents dementia and alzheimers, had one cat (Pinky) diagnosed with stage 1 cancer, another (Baby) with kidney and liver disease, and my closest and oldest one, my friend and soul mate, Isis, died in my arms. There was tons of other personal stuff that I won't even go into. I had friends lose their loved ones to covid, and get covid. Like many, my depression and anxiety hit an all time low, and each day was a constant battle. I don't think I've ever felt more alienated or alone than I have this year. To say it was a shit year and one of the worst in my life, is putting it mildly. Through all the bad, though, there was some good. I learned. I grew. I struggled through it, but I grew. Growth is never meant to be pleasant. Some of the hardest lessons learned hurt the most. And I learned. And I bled. I cried. I screamed. I learned. I made it to through the fire. I burned myself, but I made it through. 2020 taught us to hold the ones we love close and never let go. It taught us empathy on a global scale, just as much as on an individual scale. It made us check in on our friends and families more, and made us realize that mental health is a very serious issue and should definitely be normalized. It taught us to appreciate and savor each moment with those we spend it with, because we don't know when it will be our or their last. I'm thankful for every single wonderful human in my life that made me feel valued and that I mattered. Whether it be a comment on my feed, text, dm, phone call, anything. All of it mattered. Thank you. As much as I hate what you've done 2020, I also thank you for making me put the ones I care for first, as well as for my fellow man. Much love to you all and may your 2021 be brighter and filled with happiness, laughter, and love. Hold your humans and furbabies close. See you on the other side. Xoxo, Ivy https://www.instagram.com/p/CJfJiT-nXPi/?igshid=xcc4qse5shvo

[badgraph1csghost]

If you're only following me because ha-ha funny meme man, maybe don't read this.

I've been spending the past year and a half studying my environment, feeling out opinions from people close to me and watching their reactions to different media to try and gauge their feelings about transgender people, and I've gotta say... well, what was I really expecting here? That they'd go, "sure, badgraph1csghost, I think you coming out now is a great thing"? I already have an entire side of the family who hates that I'm practising Judaism again after the grandparents spent so much time and effort covering up how great-grandma was Jewish. Frankly, I don't much care how THEY would react to my being transfemme, because the opinions of people who voted for Trump twice carry zero weight with me. My mum would support me, for sure. It'd be a bit awkward for the first few months, but there's no question there.

But then, we enter into the fact that I live in a republican state. Not just any republican state, but one where the governor and all the congresspeople condoned the Jan 6 fascist insurrection and believe in all that "stop the steal" bullshit. Plus, we've lost the only two voices in our state legislature who are willing to speak out about transgender rights. I thought Senator Wishart was okay, but then she ran off on that dumbass conservative expedition to Mt. Kilimanjaro in the middle of COVID-19 against all possible logic.

I'm convinced that, based solely on my physical appearance at present, no doctor in the state is going to agree to prescribe HRT so much as have me sent up the hospital for mental evaluation, and then maybe sue me for interfering in their freedom of religion or whatever the fuck. The city council banned electricution therapy for gay youth, but that doesn't do me any good, because I'm not 16 or "technically" gay. Anyway, even if I were, they'd just send me to Hastings. No law against it there.

I just have to get used to the fact that I'm stuck here in Armpit, USA, with no means of escape. Out of limitless options, I am reduced to blending in with every other redneck "blue lives matter” imbecile down the Walmart freezer cases and hope I don't accidentally act different.