#I listen to it whenever I need to get into his headspace | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

londondungeon2 · 1 month ago

Note

Im going visceral /pos

What are your thoughts on Floyd? Any kind

But if that's too vague, maybe what kinds of dynamics do you like writing with Floyd? (ex. visceral/toxic yaoi, tall/short, tall/tall, "i can make him worse", "i can fix him", etc)

any kind of thoughts work, tho! ex. I think he'd be killer at jazz (I'm thinking jazz drums, because it's the most "feel" out of all of them, and is the most "rhythm" out of all of them, too)

No need to respond if you don't feel like it, as always!! Have a great day, either way!!!

hi hi icarus!! was so excited to see you in my inbox!! hello!!

any time i want to think floyd thoughts 💭 i just listen to ‘the pillows’; a lot of their songs put me into the headspace i envision when writing floyd!

i’m going to ramble under the cut because i got carried away (it’s even got a table of contents)!!

because of the cake event, i’ve got a couple of requests for floyd … more so than jade which is fine, i’m fine (ʘдʘ╬) …. & i’ve been thinking of a concept of floyd as living armor! i won’t be able to write it because the two medieval AU requests are fluff and the concept is anything but fluffy (well, it is sweet and cute to me but my vision is warped)!

just a preface: whenever i solidify an AU in mind, i always divide into what are both jade and floyd doing. i like narrative foils.

— it’d be fun to get around to what jade is getting up to via mafia AU one day ….

medieval concept:

floyd and jade are both knights in this AU. floyd’s path is actually much sweeter than jade’s, despite how horrific it is.

as young knights, appointed to the front lines, floyd and jade were an invincible force. they slip through the grim reaper’s claws like water, finding themselves persevering no matter what. the grim reaper only catches up to one of them when he stumbles upon a suit of armor left in the ruin of a kingdom they just bested.

floyd is entranced. the material is studier than his own; it is exactly his shape and build; and the visor, shining the brightest silver, is shaped like a set of fangs enclosed. it is the finest piece of blacksmithing and forge work he has ever laid his eyes on — and jade, wiping red rain off his face and content with his kills, does not fight floyd when he declares he will take it for himself.

it is a descent into madness plot.

the more floyd wears the armor, the less he wants to take it off. he is starting to see twisted shadows out the castle’s windows. it only gets to the point of no return when he tries to remove one of the gauntlet and his skin peels off with the removal.

after that, floyd swears to never put it back on, resolute in his decision, as his brother smashes their room apart in a terrible rage over his arranged engagement to the king’s daughter.

however, he does put it back on. it keeps shining in kaleidoscope stars and beckoning him with honeyed whispers.

when he puts back on the helmet, it is last time he sees the sun with his own eyes.

the kingdom goes to ruin. jade has killed the royal family. there is nothing left for floyd, because try as he might, the suit of armor will not come off. he tries to push his own sword through the helmet and shoulder-plate, only to hit his neck and realize it is metal rather than flesh.

floyd rots at the bottom of the castle. alone for a decade. until one day, a scavenger from a neighboring building comes and raids whatever is left from the castle’s innards.

one last time, floyd decides he will serve his dead king one last time and kill this scavenger, hungry and desperate you. it is a wild chase around the hallways, him at 6’2”, face full of carnivore teeth, swinging a claymore that is intent on cutting you clean in half. he has you cowering in a corner, about to add another body to the ghosts that float in his ruined kingdom, his ruined home, only to stop when a loud yip ripples your tattered coat.

you have a puppy. a puppy you were trying to feed with the leftovers.

it is not bigger than a kitten and yet it barks at floyd like it is the size of the bear.

floyd’s sword slowly drops.

it is an unsteady friendship from then on. he still dislikes you roaming around in the castle; you are still afraid of this man in the armor. but, eventually, you do come to a truce.

floyd finds himself becoming more endeared to your company. you bring a light back into the court that has been extinguished by his own brother.

and for the first time in a decade, floyd gets to feel the sun on his armor (his skin will never be the same) as you slowly take his clawed, metal hand and bring him out the catacomb of his home.

“can i finally see your face?” you will ask him one day.

and silent, he will shake his head. no.

that’s okay. the company of each other is enough for the both of you.

tall/tall dynamic:

i really really enjoy the dynamic of tall/tall for floyd!!

like absolutely adore it with my whole heart!!! 🖤they’re slowly morphing into the height and relationship dynamic of okuyusau and josuke for me!!!

picture for reference, mc and floyd are almost always the same height in my head.

i always have chess piece ocs in mind when writing /readers. its subtle but in narc, mc is the same size for shirts as floyd and is around the same height too. there is no part of standing on their tippy-toes for kisses & the eye contact is on equal footing.

i’m workshopping the scene where mc and azul meet in arnolfini portrait again & have to slap myself on the wrist every time i write ‘you glared down at azul’ or any variation of azul moving his neck to look up at mc.

idkw i feel so strongly about tall/tall dynamic with floyd. but i ADORE floyd with a tall shrimpy!!!

drummer! floyd:

from what i’ve seen from reading canon information on floyd, he did in fact play drums in a jazz band w/ azul and jade during middle school!! which i took to incorporating in ‘got you (where i want you)’ bc it’s largely a oneshot revolving around pop music club:

i want to explore a bit of the difference between how kalim plays drums and how floyd plays drum in it. it is going to be a big piece, about three chapters!

i only play piano and drums so we’ll see how i can handle talking about guitars (but like every single guy involved in my life plays guitar — brothers, bf, friends, co workers — so i got people to ask about it)

also was going to have floyd keep knives in his drum sticks during narc but scrapped it.

cake event:

the lineup for floyd that will come out nov 5 is:

royalty AU — jester x princess smut

NRC — viscera part 2 smut, 69 position

Arranged Marriage AU — hurt/comfort (FINALLY some angst from my request list б（＞ε＜）∂!!!)

royalty AU — mutual pining (no plot outlined yet but i’ll figure out a dynamic)

time loop AU — requester was very specific so the outline is already there!

arnolfini portrait:

HERE, is a snippet from that long Floyd work I’m going to release next year, some fluff (i think idk fluff) in a pool of angst;

Jade looks down at the both of you, a moue on his face. “I told you to watch him; not join him.”

Bleary, tear-soaked eyes blink seven times before you finally can fix all the puzzle pieces of Jade’s visage clearly in your vision. Above you, he stands, tutting in disappointment with a single teacup in hand. Steam curls out of the ceramic, reminding you of the absolute flaming heat on your cheeks. In response to his serene anger, you mumble, “Hmmm what?” into the pillowcase.

“Really, what am I going to do with the two of you?” Jade sets the teacup on Floyd’s desk.

“Leave us alone,” Floyd grumbles, nasally and exhausted. He takes to rub his forehead in your neck, impossibly hot as well.

See, Jade told you to watch over his brother for the afternoon. It is the weekend; you had no classes so you sought Floyd’s company. Said company happens to be suffering from a high fever he developed Friday night. Fretful, Jade told you he would return during his break at Mostro Lounge with tea for Floyd. Which must be now; not that you are keeping track of time. With little convincing, you fell in bed with Floyd due to his clogged and snotty siren call, snuggling up into the tempting warmth and accepting his infectious kisses.

Now contaminated, you wake up from your nap to face off the enemy of Jade’s frowning discontentment. Your attack move is to shimmy yourself down until the comforter is up to your chin. Floyd’s arms wrap around you tighter, thinking you are trying to leave. You cast the verbal spell of, “Yeah, what he said.” and close your eyes to get more sleep.

A subtle, amused laugh is Jade’s counterspell. “I hope you two will accept the responsibility of holding each other’s hair back when this virus wants to make its exit.”

Cheek to cheek, Floyd mumbles back, “Of course, I’d do anythin’ for (Name).”

The atmosphere in the room suddenly shifts. The fluidity of your limbs that were melting into the cuddle hardens into stone. Even Jade seems to stand a bit straighter despite his already perfect posture. Slowly, you pull your upper body out of the hug, bleary eyes wide as saucers.

“Did you just –?”

It is hard to tell: is the blush on Floyd’s face from his ridiculously high fever or is it because of his embarrassment? He looks at you like you are the one who has grown two heads. He has no reason to be looking so shocked when you are one who has whiplash!

“I – um –”

“Oh my God, you just did!” The fact of the matter – Floyd using your real name – has put your world on such an axis that you worry Floyd is going to have to hold your hair back like Jade suggested; you are about ready to throw up from nerves. Nerves exit your mouth through laughter instead. “Oh my God! Hahaha! You – hahaha!”

“Shrimpyyy,” Floyd whines before erupting into a coughing fit.

“It’s cute! I promise, it’s super cute! Hahaha!”

Floyd, who hates being called cute, fixes you with a glare that is lackluster due to the sweat glistening on his forehead and the chagrin that has sunburnt itself on his skin. He pulls his hand off your stomach and pinches your nose. You let out a honking laugh that is more geese than human.

anyways,,, always holding floyd like this. i do enjoy his character (but never more than his brother)!!!!

#twisted wonderland x reader #floyd leech x reader #floyd leech #sometimes family is a living suit of armor; a orphaned girl; and her little puppy

28 notes · View notes

baby--charchar · 9 months ago

Text

Baby Vaggie + Snack Time

So like I've said, I see Vaggie as being autistic and think that would factor into her regression. She has exactly 4 (...3) safe foods that she'll always agree to, including pupusas, rice, chicken nuggets from a specific brand, and water. She's also probably food aversive in her bigger headspace, but she may try to hide that more since she'd be masking. As a baby not needing to mask, she has no qualms about saying 'no' to unwanted food.

'Saying' may be a strong word. She's nonverbal in babyspace, so "chuck the plate at the wall and run away" is probably more accurate.

It worries Lucifer. Honestly. He worries over vitamins, he worries over protein and fiber, he worries over whether he made her enough food to keep her full. Charlie's always been such a little foodie. Even regressed, she loves trying new things! He's never really had a loved one like Vaggie to look after, and he's scared he's doing it wrong. He's certain he's neglecting her by not giving her enough.

So he sets off to try to find more foods to offer little Vaggie! Fruit? ...no. Oatmeal? Yuck. Mac and cheese? Never. She either won't come near him if he's holding something for her to try, or she rips the plate out of his hands and slams it on the ground, making a huge disgusting mess. Not once does she bring herself to try anything.

He means well. He just wants to avoid upset tummies for her. But it's stressing her the fuck out. Every time she slips into babyspace, he wants to get her to try something new. But no!!! She hates all the foods!!! It gets to the point where Baby Vaggie starts throwing tantrums whenever she starts feeling hungry, just anticipating a fight.

Well no, see, NOW Lucifer fucked up. Now she won't even eat her safe foods if he's the one who makes it because she can't trust him. He feels just horrible.

Eventually he and Vaggie need to have a talk when she's not regressed, with Charlie mediating. With a really thorough explanation on sensory issues, plus some tough love, they're able to convince Lucifer that backing off with the food thing is how he can support Vaggie best. Not by forcing it.

He completely stops trying to force the food issue. He understands why it was harmful for Vaggie. But secretly...he doesn't actually feel BETTER. He's still so scared that Vaggie's not getting enough and that he's making her sick by underfeeding her. He thinks he just can't win as her caregiver. But he LISTENS to her and stops. And that matters the most to Vaggie.

One day, by chance, Baby Vaggie toddles over to the kitchen counter and starts messing around. Lucifer is so wrapped up in what he's doing that he doesn't notice her at first.

She found an apple pie. Cooled thankfully, so it won't burn her. But a big, beautiful baked pie he made to surprise Charlie later.

He looks over and there's Vaggie just having the time of her life destroying it. She loves the smell and the *SQUISH* of squeezing it in between her little fingers. He starts to react but...just gives up. It's too damn late to stop her. He sighs, feeling defeated.

But her laugh is pretty contagious. The goof ball's smeared pie everywhere. Across the counter, in her hair, on her pajamas. Kid's just a walking disaster and is having too much fun to realize it. He can't stay mad at her. In fact, he comes over to join in. He draws little pictures and scribbles in the muck with her, and makes silly "SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!" noises when he crushes the sliced apples on the counter. Vaggie cackles from all the energy.

Vaggie goes to wipe the drool off her lips with the back of her hand, and Lucifer notices she's smeared a big glop of syrup across her face. Across her mouth. Her little pink tongue just barely pokes out of her mouth in curiosity. Lucifer pauses and holds his breath.

She cringes and spits on the floor. Yuck.

But...the baby's tried it...! The baby tried some new food! Lucifer is delighted!

"OH you little sunshine! You little duckie, I'm so proud, you're so brave!" He goes on cooing at her until she's just sick of it. But! His babyest baby girl did a thing! Tried a new thing! On her own terms and in her own time! It's just one tiny little thing but it means the world to him because she means the world to him!

He starts brainstorming more food they can play with. More smearing! More sensory! More messes! More fun! Get his baby all the fun!!!

Charlie comes home and nearly faints at the sight of the kitchen, which is absolutely trashed. They're both walking disasters.

#hazbin hotel age regression #hazbin hotel agere #cg!lucifer #little!vaggie #charlie morningstar #hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar #vaggie #autistic agere #sfw agere #moral of the story: dont force us autistics just make us feel safe and secure and ya never know #maybe well feel safe enough to try something new with you

84 notes · View notes

linkeduniverse-writing · 11 months ago

Text

General LU Headcanons part 1

Heya! So I'm starting this blog with some general headcanons about the boys, I think I'll divide it in three parts so it's not too long. First up are Four, Hyrule, and Legend! Hope you enjoy :D

Part 2 Part 3

Four

It takes him so long to emerge from sleep

Like he'll be in a haze for like 20 minutes, not able to form any coherent thoughts

Which is kind of a surprise because he's one of the early risers, and is super reactive once fully awake

He tends to talk to himself a lot, mostly when he does something or thinks through a problem

It's mostly to exteriorize all the noise inside his head tho

The others aren't as weirded out by it than he feared, and he's thankful for it

Whenever they're in a market or just in a town, he always finds himself drawn to craftsmanship

Like if they need to interrogate people about monsters and stuff, he'll go ask artisans mostly

He feels more comfortable around them

It feels like home

Also he likes to compare his work to other blacksmith's

He feels like he has a lot to learn still, and he's very curious about how the craft has evolved with time

He doesn't know first aid and the scent of blood makes him sick, but if his teammates need tending he'll do his best

He tries to see their wounds as metal work needing repairs

It helps him keep his cool

But he'd rather leave it to someone else

Hyrule

Another early riser, but he hates it

He loves sleeping in and wishes his body would let him sometimes

But oh well, when it's time to wake up it's time to wake up

He's a very light sleeper too, like the wind blowing in the leaves above would wake him up

He hates it

Botany nerd

Loves keeping track of the new plants he finds along the way

He always asks the Link from the Hyrule they're in if he knows about it, and will pick them up if he can't get an answer, to study them later hopefully

He rarely can, but when they have a moment he'll either find a plant book (and a Link who can read it for him) or straight up ask someone if they know about the plant

He's always so polite and genuinely curious, people can't help but answer

He accidentally set Sky's stuff on fire once when showing off his fire magic to Wind

Sky was too impressed to truly be mad at him tho

(Also Hyrule replaced all of the stuff that couldn't be repaired, don't ask him how)

He doesn't mind blood and grime and gore, but can't handle anything with maggots in it

He'll stitch up anything, he'll put bones back in place if necessary, but one bug? In a wound? Don't count on him

He can keep his calm even before the grossest injuries, which is why he's often fixing up the others after a fight

He rarely uses his healing magic tho, he knows he'll tire too easily, and he can't help them if he can barely stay awake

So potions potions potions

He's a gentle caregiver but you better do as he says when you're hurt

Legend

A heavy sleeper, and he dreams a lot, but he never remember them

Probably for the best if you ask him

He usually wakes late, but never truly rested unfortunately

That never stoped him from being immediately efficient and fully awake tho

He knows he has a reputation of being sharp and closed off, but he's a really good listener

He's the kind of person curse the world with you when you vent until you're in the right headspace to find a solution

He kind of encourages the others in their dumbest ideas just to see what'll happen

(not the too dangerous ones, of course)

But he's curious, and after all the adventures he's been through, he believes that if he survived all of this, surely Wild will survive trying to cook a bomb flower

He did, but Twilight almost died of stress

He's the one who helps Warrior with refilling their inventory when they're low on supplies

He's a great negotiator and can get them twice the supplies for the same price

He's sometimes even charming enough to get them all a free meal

It's his favorite skill

He doesn't mind blood but will not look at broken limbs

Not his own, not other's

He tries to keep his cool around the others to not make them panic, but he really hates broken bones

If one of them is hurt, he'll try to distract them and make sure they have water and enough heat

He'll also keep them in place if they move around too much for Hyrule or Warrior to work on them

He's not gentle, but he's still reassuring somehow

#linked universe #linked universe headcanons #lu headcanons #lu writing #lu four #lu hyrule #lu legend #i hope its good #im gonna write the rest of them now wish me luck lol

83 notes · View notes

skyfallscotland · 7 months ago

Text

I had a hard time today, so obviously I bawled my eyes out and started writing. I’ll be ok, it’s just…hard. It’s always hard. You think you’re doing fine and then something sets you off and it’s just…there’s no other feeling like it, the emptiness.

If you know the feeling, check the tags and consider whether you’re in the right headspace to read this right now, or ever. I promise if you never read it, you’re not missing out, you already know what happens anyway 🖤

And if you’re feeling it right now, if it’s not too presumptuous to say, the message I want you to hear is this: your sign is right in front of you. Hold on. You never know what you could be missing out on.

Remi / 14 years old / 628AU

“I don’t want to come out with you and Dain and listen to the two of you talk in your own secret little fucking language, ok?!” It explodes out of me, a yell I can’t control, can’t quite tamp down on.

“Remi, we wouldn’t use—”

“You always do.” I snarl. The two of them have all these dialects that only they know, that they’ve studied together without me and whenever they’re around each other it’s all they speak in. So they can ‘practice’ they say. Funny how they never need to practice Tyrrish.

“I promise I won’t.” Violet’s eyes are wet with tears. “I just want to spend time with you.” She begs.

“Why?” I spit. “You never did before.” I roll my eyes. “Face it, you don’t want to spend time with me, you’re just worried that I’ll die too and you’ll be left feeling guilty.” I scowl. “So don’t worry about it, consider this me absolving you.” I turn on my heel and storm away.

My sister’s never cared about me before, she sure as hell doesn’t now. She wouldn’t even miss me if I weren’t around, she’s already replaced me with Dain. My arms are crossed over my chest, the oversized jacket on my shoulders covering the way my hands clutch at my ribcage, hugging my waist as I try not to cry.

The jacket is my mother’s. I used to wear Brennan’s old one all the time, taking comfort in his things while he was off on the frontlines, but of course that was taken from me the moment he was—all his things burnt to ash in a heartbeat.

I don’t know why I bothered trying to take comfort from something of hers, it’s not like she cares for me either—none of them do, except maybe Mira and she’s not here. I’m more likely to get in trouble for taking the damn thing than anything else. I stumble towards my favourite turret, the one connected to the parapet. It’s the closest I can get to my older sister. I hate the height, so I try to never look over the edge of it, but sometimes I go sit up there, just looking out hoping that one day I’ll see a green dragon fly towards me—my sister told me that’s what she’d bonded, a Green. But that’s only wishful thinking.

My chest burns, my lungs constricting as I climb the turret, in the dark, up and up and up. I want to scream, to see if that will expel this furious fire in my chest, the way the dragons always do, but I know it won’t. All it will do is bring people up here and I…I hate people. I don’t want any of them anywhere near me. None of them have any clue what it’s like, how much it hurts.

I’m crying by the time I reach the top, wretched sobs shaking my body as I steady myself with a hand on the stones. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. For a moment, I wobble on my feet and fear has my heart leaping into my throat. I quickly make my way into the top section of the turret and slide to the ground, my back to the wall. I’d almost…

For a long minute, my heart thunders, but then I think at least it would have been over. Over. I don’t know if I believe in Malek, but if the world holds any kindness and the gods are real, I’d hope they would reunite me with Brennan in the afterlife. My breath comes in fast pants as I rip the jacket off and toss it aside, grief overwhelming me to a point where I can’t breathe, can barely think.

There’s a blade in my hand and my vision blurs as I stare down at it through my tears. It doesn’t have to be a fall. I could…

I look up at the sky, hoping for a sign, but there’s no dragon, no burst of flame or message in the clouds. All there is, is a few twinkling stars and an inky blackness. It’s beautiful in it’s own way, I suppose, like a living canvas of gold-flecked onyx. There’s something comforting about that and my sobs die down, a strange calmness washing over me.

It doesn’t have to be like this, I realise. I don’t have to do it anymore. No one can make me. I can just…go.

My brow furrows and I clutch the blade tighter. I’m ready. I’m so ready to just go. The blade glints in the low light of the moon as I lower it to my skin.

“You know, you don’t have to be—”

I jolt, staring up wide-eyed as I freeze in place, icy dread filling my veins. Dain stares back, lips slightly parted and I swallow hard. Before I can think of anything to say, to do, he’s crossing the distance between us in two quick strides and wrenching the blade from my grip, tossing it off the side of the turret. A moment passes, then another.

“Get up. Don’t be an idiot.” His eyes narrow, and I scramble to my feet, my lip trembling. He says nothing else, just…watches me. His eyes are alight with anger and I squirm anxiously, my breath stuttering under his gaze. There’s nothing I can say—nothing I want to say—and eventually I can’t stand it anymore. I turn on my heel and run.

#tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicidal ideation #tw: depression #try and be kind to yourselves; always #basgiath (remi's version)

39 notes · View notes

avoxrising · 1 year ago

Text

True Romance - A Hunger Games One Shot

Finnick x Reader

So this fic is inspired by the song True Romance by Tove Lo. I recommend giving a listen before and after you read this. There will also be ~lyrics~ scattered throughout.

Synopsis: You and your soulmate/fellow district 4 victor Finnick are both reaped for the Quarter Quell. Your worlds shatter as you both realize you could not live without each other… and you won’t.

Note: This fic deviates from cannon as in the story, there is no rescue plan/rebellion plan to get the victors out of the QQ/save Katniss. The rest of the characters are the same outside of you going in for Mags.

Also, I do not own the rights to any of the lyrics I sprinkled throughout this story. They all come from the song True Romance by Tove Lo and thus belong to their respective copyright owners.

Content warnings: severe emotions and suicide - please do not read if you are not in the right headspace. Warning you will cry (I cried writing this). Fluff and angst but no smut outside of kissing. Normal hunger games violence/murder. Mention of bullets in the song lyrics.

Also it’s a long one! About 5.5k words but I didn’t want to split it up into parts as I felt the story was better being one long part. Also sorry for the formatting I write my fics in my iPhone notes. Enjoy!

———

“I walk in a vision in red

Your favorite movie playing on my silhouette”

He had been your everything for as long as you could remember. You grew up as neighbors in a small neighborhood on the edge of District 4. You remember walking to school with him every day, convinced all you would be was best friends and nothing more would come of it.

That all changed when at the age 14 he was reaped for the Hunger Games. You have never cried so much in your life. Holding onto him as you said your goodbyes in the back of the justice building, you made him promise that he would win and return to you.

He kept his promise, just as he has kept every promise since that day. When he returned to you a few weeks later, you were the happiest person in all of District 4. Even though he was no longer your neighbor, you visited him constantly in Victor’s Village whenever you could sneak out of your small neighborhood.

You grew closer together over the years until at age 16 you were reaped for the Hunger Games.

“I’m not coming back Finn,” you cried as you said your goodbyes to your mentor.

“Yes you are,” he said. “If I can come back then so can you.”

You wanted to believe him more than anything, but at the same time you felt hopeless. When you did actually make it out of the games, you were so completely numb and ready to shut everyone out, but he wouldn’t let you. You were back to being neighbors again, but it wasn’t the same.

Slowly, but surely you returned to him. You became even closer as he became your reason for living. Slowly your feelings started to develop past friendship, but you didn’t have the heart to tell him. He was one of the only people you had left, and you were so scared of losing him and messing up the friendship you had.

“You turn to me just for a minute

Do you know my real secret?”

Returning to the capital every year to mentor was hard, but at least you got to do it with him. You often spent the night curled up in his bed on the fourth floor, unable to sleep due to the nightmares. You were worried that he would soon catch onto your feelings for him, but you needed him more than anything and we’re too scared to push him away, or let your feelings for him go.

Over the years, he started to catch onto your feelings. He had always felt the same way, but never thought you would feel that way about him. He was equally scared though to voice his feelings in fear of messing up the dynamic you two had. You were his everything, and he couldn’t bear the thought of losing you over confessing his feelings.

“Make my move

Spillin' all my popcorn over you

You're confused

What does a girl like me want with you?”

After a particularly long day of training your newest tributes for the arena, you slid into bed with him and curl up in his arms. This was your normal routine, but you could tell something was off tonight. He was nervous and you could feel his chest rise and fall faster than normal.

“What’s up Finn,” you asked concerned as you pulled away to look at him, sitting up on the bed.

“Nothing,” he mumbled as he refused to make eye contact with you.

You raise his head to look at you as you reply, “I know you Finn, you can tell me anything. No judgement, just honesty.”

He tried to hide his nervousness as you looked at him, hoping that you would let this whole topic go for once, but he knew you. And he knew you would keep asking until he gave you a straight answer.

“I love you,” he said nervously. “I’ve loved you since we were 7 but I never wanted to tell you because I was worried it would end our friendship…”

You tilt his head up to look at you again as you pressed your lips into his. It felt so good to finally hear him say those words to you, knowing you had felt the same way for quite a while. He kissed you back slowly pulling you back into his arms.

“I never thought I would have a chance with you,” he mumbled. “You were always the pretty one growing up and I was the class clown who was constantly getting in trouble. I put you through hell and back when I was shipped off to the games and I know you went through hell and back to return to me after yours.”

You kissed him again in reassurance.

“I love you Finn,” you told him. “Forever.”

“I want your hands

Your future plans

To the bitter end”

Three years later, you were walking down an aisle of rose petals on the beach with a beautiful bouquet in your hands. Your friends and family had gathered for your special day and you couldn’t be more excited to finally marry your soulmate. As you looked at him, you could see tears gathering in his eyes.

“You’re so beautiful my love,” he whispered in your ear.

“Forever and always Finn,” you smiled.

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Your kisses were always passionate, but this was the best one of all. You both were over the moon to finally cement your love in eternity for each other, and you couldn’t wait for your happily ever after to finally begin. Unfortunately, that happy ever after was short-lived.

A quick six months later and you were both sitting in front of the TV of your home, anxiously awaiting the announcement of the 75th hunger games. When the words came out of President Snow’s mouth, stating that the tributes would be reaped from the existing pool of victors, your heart shattered into millions of pieces. Finnick was the only living male victor of district 4, and there was no way you were sending Mags into that arena. After her stroke a few years ago. Her health had rapidly deteriorated and you don’t even know if she would live long enough to make it to the reaping let alone the games.

You fell asleep that night, and every night after, completely numb and crying in his arms.

“Take a life for me, you know I'd do it instantly

In danger of a true romance

We are meant to be, I'd die for love and loyalty

In danger of a true romance”

Mags passed just two weeks short of the reaping. Her funeral was brief and intimate, with only a few gathering. You were grieving the loss of your mentor as well as both you and your husband’s impending end.

Are the reaping was painful as you were forced to look out over the sorrowful faces of your community who gathered for your send off. They knew that they were most likely going to lose their only remaining victors in a few short days.

You held his hand as your names were both called, putting on a brave face for the cameras, but you both knew neither of you were making it out of the arena. Although you both had a good shot of winning against the other victors, you knew he would die for you and you for him.

You held onto each other the whole train ride to the capital, wanting to spend each and every moment together. You were angry at the capital. You would never get to have his kids, you would never get to grow old together and you would never have your happily ever after that you had worked so hard for.

The tribute parade was bittersweet. You were both adored in the capital and were seen as the royal couple of the capital. The people lived vicariously through your love, and were devastated to see both of you back and headed into the arena.

“You look beautiful as always love,” Finnick stated as he took in your parade outfit. Your long, baby blue dress perfectly hugged your curves as it flowed down your body, gently giving the impression of water. Your husband was dressed in a flowy blue dress shirt that matched your dress as well as a pair of tan slacks. You grabbed his hand as he pulled you up onto the chariot, handing you a sugar cube as you anxiously waited for the parade to begin.

Tears streamed down your face as you rode your way down towards the cold eyes of President Snow. You couldn’t bear to look at the crowd or Finnick. He squeezed your hand as your chariot pulled around the circle and started back towards the tribute and remake center.

Finally, the ride was over and you were able to go back upstairs with your husband. You collapsed in his arms, drifting off to sleep under the warm comforter of the bed.

“I don't like the real world

I don't like the real world

It's tough out in the real world

Let's go back to our world”

Over the next few days, you didn’t leave his side at all. You held his hand as he practiced with the tridents in the training center, and he held yours as you threw knives at the dummies, pretending they were Snow. The rest of the victors gave you both sad and knowing looks as they could see the pain in both of your eyes.

Every night you held him tighter and wished that you could stay in bed forever with him.

“I don’t want to leave you,” you cried as you held onto him.

“You’ll always be with me love, forever and ever,” he whispered as he kissed your forehead.

“I wish we could just run away and escape all of this,” you mumbled through sobs. “Never enter the arena. Never have to leave each other.”

“I know,” he whispered. “I love you forever.”

“Bullets fly, you took him down

And now we're honeymooners dreamin' 'bout tropical skies”

Peacekeepers had to pry you two off of each other as they sent you to your respective rooms under the arena. You cried the entire way to your room, desperately, hoping that you would find him quickly in the arena.

“It’s a wetsuit so I would expect a hot climate with water,” your stylist stated as she got you ready.

Looking at it, made you sick as you knew this was Snow’s twisted way of separating you from Finnick. He knew that both of you would have the advantage in the arena with there being water and he wanted one of you to survive without the other. He wanted you both to suffer.

Tears began slipping from your eyes as you rose into the arena, but you quickly wiped them away. You couldn’t let the other tributes see you as weak as they would quickly pick you off before you could find Finnick. You desperately looked around for him, but couldn’t locate him. He must be on the other side of the cornucopia. Your hands began to shake as the countdown neared zero.

When the gong sounded, you dove into the water, swimming with all of your strength towards the spoke to your right. You quickly pulled yourself up and sprinted towards the cornucopia, but not before the male tribute from nine tackled you back into the water. You struggled against his grasp as he tried to pull you under, but you knew you could hold your breath for at least three minutes. All you could hope is that he couldn’t hold his breath for as long as yours.

He began thrashing about in the water as he repeatedly kicked you in the ribs. You managed to kick him a few times yourself, but you were mainly focused on holding your breath. Gasping in pain would only allow the water to enter your lungs faster and there is no way you were drowning less than five minutes into the games.

Slowly, you noticed him starting to struggle as he tried to pull you back towards the surface. You yanked him down with all of your strength, trying to stop him from swimming upwards in his panic state you managed to kick him in the ribs enough times to knock the air out of his lungs, he began choking on the water as you were able to get out of his grasp and quickly swim towards the surface. As your head breached the water you heard a cannon go off, and the male tribute’s body floated to the surface.

Panicked, you looked around at the carnage surrounding the cornucopia. Bodies laid everywhere and cannons went off every minute or two. Suddenly, you heard Finnick screaming for you and saw him running around the cornucopia trying to spot you. You were out of breath from your struggle, but managed to pull yourself up on one of the spokes as he came running over to you.

“Oh my god I thought you were dead,” he said as you shook in his arms.

“I killed the male from 9,” you said as sobs racked your body.

“Come on we have to go now,” he said as he pulled you into the woods.

After about an hour of running, you sat down to rest. The adrenaline was slowly wearing off, and your ribs were beginning to bruise under your wetsuit. Luckily Finnick had grabbed some knives for you and a trident for himself from the cornucopia.

Suddenly 11 cannons rang out through the area, marking the end of the bloodbath.

“How many people did you get,” you asked Finnick as you both were trying to catch your breath. The arena was unbelievably hot and you had yet to find drinkable water.

“Two,” he replied. “Both from 5.”

You held onto each other for a few more minutes until you decided to start moving again, desperate to find fresh water.

A few hours later, you still have no luck finding water. You decide to set up camp under some large trees and settle down for the night. You both snacked on some of the food Finnick harvested from the surrounding trees and talked about who was going to take the first watch.

Suddenly the familiar chimes of a parachute grow louder as a gift from your sponsors floats down to your camp. Finnick lets you open it, and you discover a small metal object with a note that says “drink up”.

You turn to Finnick as you exclaim, “do you have any idea what this is? It’s way too small to store any water.”

He laughs at you as he takes it from your hand and walks over to a tree.

“Honey it’s a spile,” he laughs as water starts flowing from the tree. “Come here and drink.”

“Honestly, I have no clue what that is but I’m not complaining,” you state as you start drinking from the tree.

After you both rehydrated and washed your faces, you settled down for the night. Finnick insisted on taking first watch so you could get as much rest as possible. Suddenly the anthem started playing as the fallen we’re about to be shown. There had been no cannons since the bloodbath but you were anxious to see which faces appeared in the sky.

The faces of Beetee, Wiress, Blight, Wolf, and Seeder appeared in the sky along with both tributes from 5, the female morphing from 6, both tributes from 9 and the female from 10.

“Eleven down, thirteen to go,” Finnick muttered.

You squeezed his hand and gave him a sad look as you laid down to rest, quickly dozing off.

“In trouble again

When does it end?

Will it ever end?

Save me”

You woke to the sound of heavy rain hitting the canopy of the jungle that surrounded you. It couldn’t have been more than a few hours since you dozed off but Finnick was still alert and on guard. Suddenly, the rain became heavier and you and Finnick quickly realized that the rain was not water- it was blood.

Hot thick blood coated your bodies as you ran through the jungle, desperate to find anything to shelter you from the rain. You felt like you were suffocating but Finnick held your hand tightly as you stumbled over roots and vines.

After running for what felt like hours the rain finally stopped. Finnick grabbed some moss off of a nearby tree and began to clean the blood off of you. He managed to get the spile working again and you were both able to somewhat rinse yourselves off using the small stream from the tree.

Once you both were clean and had a moment to catch your breaths, you heard the scream of a man in the distance. You couldn’t see anyone but you could sense that they were too close for comfort.

“Which way Finn?” you whispered to your husband.

“This way,” he replied as he slowly started moving in the opposite direction of where you heard the screaming from. Your hands were clasped tightly together as you tried to sneak away quietly but that all changed the second you heard the cannon go off.

“Run!” you whispered as both you and Finnick took off into a sprint away from the other tributes. You couldn’t see them but you had the feeling they were following you.

Suddenly an axe flies past your head as Finnick pushes you to the ground. You quickly get up and turn to face your assailants. You were met with the faces of Johanna Mason and the male from district 10 wielding a spear. You slipped a knife from your belt and quickly flung it at Johanna who was getting ready to throw her other axe. She dodged and it grazed her leg but not enough to stop her from charging at you with the axe. You rolled underneath her as she swung down at you, narrowly missing your head. Pulling a larger knife from your belt, you took a swing at her, slashing a gash into her cheek.

You lose focus for a second when you hear Finnick grunt and then a cannon go off. Johanna and you both look over to see Finnick standing over the body of Johanna’s ally, fresh blood dripping from his trident. You stab Johanna in the arm before she kicks you hard in the ribs and flees into the jungle. You would have bolted after her but Finnick was suddenly by your side to checking to see if you were injured.

“I’m fine Finn she just kicked me in the ribs,” you said as you stood back up. You looked over at him and saw his shoulder was bleeding.

“It’s fine,” he said as he noticed you looking at his shoulder. “He barely grazed me and it’s not deep.”

You gave him an annoyed look as you went to gather some moss to press on his wound. As you returned you both agreed that you should get moving as your fight wasn’t exactly quiet and you didn’t know if others were on their way, eager to capitalize off of the carnage of your fight.

“Running from the scene, more money that we could ever dream

In danger of a true romance”

You set off back towards the beach. Johanna had run further into the Jungle and you weren’t looking for another fight just yet. Both of you knew the beach was a risk but you wanted to wash the remaining blood off from the rain you had encountered earlier.

After an hour or so of walking you decided to pause for a snack break. Finnick had gathered some nuts and berries earlier that you had deemed edible so you both sat down to eat. Quickly you are both on your feet again as you hear the all too familiar sounds of water crashing- a tsunami. You can’t remember the last time you ran that fast. Memories flooded into your head of the tsunamis you had seen in the past but you had never experienced one first hand. Feeling the water getting closer you looked back, only to notice that the trees weren’t falling from the impact of the water.

“Quickly Finn! We need to climb the trees!” you gasped, out of breath from the running. You only had seconds to spare as he hoisted you up into a tree before climbing up behind you. You both climbed up and up until the branches were too thin to hold your weight. The water had shook the tree violently upon impact but you both held on tight. Looking down, you saw the body of a woman being swept in the current. It was too loud to hear if a cannon had gone off but you think you could make out the dark hair of Cecelia, the woman from District 8.

“Bodies left to bleed, they all had it comin'

In danger of a true romance”

When the water had finally subsided, you climbed down from the tree and walked the remaining distance to the beach. Finnick went ahead to check if the coast was clear and you followed once he gave you a nod that it was clear.

He gathered some leaves from the trees to use as cushions as you got the spile working again. After a few minutes, Finnick had woven a picnic blanket for you to both sit on. The familiar chime of a parachute sounded as a picnic basket full of bread floated down from the sky. You laid there for hours with him, snacking on the bread and talking about the beaches of home. He quickly dozed off into a nap as you soothingly ran your fingers through his messy hair.

You didn’t realize that you had fallen asleep until he woke you up to watch the sunset with him. There were tears in both your eyes as you realized this might be your last sunset together.

“Thank you for everything Finn,” you said as tears ran silently down your face. He wiped the tears from your eyes and planted a kiss on your forehead.

“You don’t have to thank me love,” he replied. “I would do it over and over again in all of my lifetimes with you. I love you forever”

You both sat their crying until the sky grew dark.

Dread filled your chest as the anthem began playing. The faces of the male morphling, Cecelia, and the district 10 male populated the sky before it went dark again.

You took the first watch, waking Finnick a few hours later so you could rest. He kissed you gently as you fell asleep in his arms.

You slept until dawn when he shook you awake and quickly pulled you back into the forest. He hushed you he pointed you towards the cornucopia where you could make out a fight happening on the rocks. The siblings, Gloss and Cashmere, were taking on Katniss and Peeta from 12. You were terrified that they had seen you but Finnick steadied your breathing and held you tight. He didn’t think you guys had been spotted but he wasn’t sure.

A bloodcurdling scream broke out followed by a cannon, Katniss lay bleeding on the rocks, her throat slit, while Peeta was frozen in fear. He quickly snapped out of it and began sprinting away from the siblings down one of the spokes. He wasn’t running directly towards you, but he wasn’t running away from you either. Maybe he had seen you and was hoping Cashmere and Gloss would be more interested in hunting you down than chasing him.

“Thought I watched you die, I killed a man with tears in my eyes

In danger of a true romance”

He was partially correct. Cashmere continued to follow Peeta into the jungle but Gloss quickly turned towards you and Finnick. You thought it was stupid that he would try attacking both of you without his sister until you saw the rage in his eyes. He was full of adrenaline and was not messing around.

You threw two knives at him in quick succession as he sprinted straight towards Finnick, holding a long dagger in his hand. One of the knives lodged in his torso but it wasn’t enough to immediately take him down. He dodged Finnick’s trident and jammed his knife into Finnick’s thigh. It must have penetrated a few inches in as Finnick fell backwards onto the ground. Before Gloss had the chance to finish him off you flung a knife straight into his throat. The cannon was almost immediate as he fell onto Finnick.

Relieved, you thought the fight was over until a screaming Peeta was suddenly silent as another cannon boomed. You knew Cashmere was going to come looking for her brother and so you had to act quickly. Finnick was not in any position to move so you gave him a quick kiss before running off into the jungle towards where you thought Cashmere would be.

Peeta had put up a better fight than you had expected as Cashmere was bleeding from her nose and ear. She flung a knife in your general direction but it was clear her balance was effected by whatever damage Peeta had done to her head. You flung your last two knives at her before she had a chance to throw anymore at you. She fell to the ground as your knives had hit her right eye and her heart. The cannon sounded and you quickly picked up your knives as well as the remaining knives she had on her belt and ran back towards where you had left Finnick.

You found him pressing moss to his leg, the dagger laying besides him.

“Why did you take it out! You aren’t supposed to take it out,” you cried as you looked at the dagger next to his leg.

“It’s ok it’s not that bad,” he said as he tried to console you, but you were violently sobbing on the ground next to him.

“No you can’t do that. You’re gonna bleed out,” you cried.

“Shhh it’s ok,” he whispered as he pulled you into a hug. You laid on him sobbing into a parachute made it’s way down through the canopy and onto the ground next to you. Quickly opening it, you found first aid supplies for his leg. You apologized as you pressed alcohol onto the wound and your husband cried out in pain. He squeezed your hand as you gave him stitches and then bandaged the wound. You moved him a few yards away from where Gloss’s body still laid and made him rest so the medicine on his leg could start working. He could tell how exhausted you were so he made you take a nap while he took watch.

“No you need the rest,” you complained as you brought him water.

“I can’t sleep until the pain meds kick in,” he stated. “I’ll wake you up before they make me sleepy or if any danger appears as I’m not in any shape to fight right now.”

You reluctantly agreed and laid down on his lap. Sleep came quickly as you were exhausted from the morning’s events. Eventually Finnick woke you up as the meds were making him sleepy.

“Stay awake for a few more minutes,” you said. “I’m gonna go grab some more moss for your leg.” He hummed in reply and you quietly got up to grab some moss.

“Saved you from that room, the powder and gold and the men were all doomed

Against our love, they never stood a chance”

A few steps into the jungle your head began to vibrate and you felt a weird energy come over you. Paranoid, you looked around as the trees changed colors. The green leaves were turning blue and the trees seemed to be leaking a yellow sap. Suddenly, you noticed movement to the left of you and you quickly flung a knife towards the movement. A grunt was followed by a swift punch to your jaw. You guess your assailant was closer to you than you initially thought. Dizzy, you fell to the ground as the world started spinning around you. Swirls of color clouded your vision as the man who had punched you moments before was now on top of you, his spear pressed against your neck. Looking up at him, you saw the face of Finnick.

“Finnick it’s me!” you screamed. “Get off!”

He pushed down further on your neck as you began to choke. Grabbing the spear you began trying to push it off of you and away from Finnick. You grabbed at his hands only to realize he only had one. Where his other hand should be was a stump of flesh. Your mind continued to race as you quickly realized whoever you were fighting wasn’t Finnick. For one, Finnick didn’t use a spear, and secondly he had two hands and the stump of flesh did not look like a recent injury.

You continued to scream until the person on top of you was shoved off of you and impaled with a trident. He slowly morphed into Chaff as the real Finnick pulled you up into your feet and dragged out away from the body. The cannon sounded and your vision slowly returned to normal as your head stopped vibrating.

It suddenly made sense- the missing hand, the spear, the trees changing colors.

“It’s ok love it’s ok,” Finnick said as he held you tightly. “You’re safe.”

Finnick brought you back to the tree line by the beach and laid you down. He held you tightly as you took a nap.

You woke in a panic to the sound of another cannon but quickly relaxed when you saw Finnick was ok. You noticed his leg was looking better which made you relax further.

“Your leg looks better,” you said as you smiled up at him.

He gave you a quick kiss and a smile as he replied, “I told you I would be alright.”

“Who do you think is left?” you asked.

“There’s just two besides us,” he stated. “I don’t know who’s cannon that was. It’s a toss up between Johanna, Brutus, and Enobaria.”

“Who do you hope it was?” you asked.

“Brutus or Enobaria,” he replied. “I am hoping Johanna is still in a bad shape from our last fight and Brutus and Enobaria are probably teamed up.”

You agreed with him but quickly realized the finale would be starting soon. There were only four of you left.

“Take a life for me, you know I'd do it instantly

In danger of a true romance

We are meant to be, I'd die for love and loyalty

In danger of a true romance”

The sound of mutts startled you but you could tell they were coming from the other side of the arena, probably chasing the other victors towards you. Finnick and you both stood up quickly and gave each other a kiss as you readied for battle. A bloody Johanna emerged from ten jungle about 100 yards away from you, and both you and Finnick bolted towards you. Taking her out now would mean you could face the final other victor together.

Finnick was faster than you as you raced towards Johanna. Suddenly, you were struck in the collar bone by a sword and stumbled to the ground. An enraged Enobaria stood over you, ready to pounce. Thinking quickly, you kicked her sword out of her hands but she quickly jumped on top of you, her full weight on your chest as she clawed at your stomach with her hands. You desperately grabbed for your knives but Enobaria put her knees on your arms, pinning them to the sand.

You let out the most blood curdling scream as Enobaria’s teeth ripped into your torso, taking a good chunk of flesh and probably some of your insides with it. You heard a cannon, honestly thinking it was yours, until you saw Enobaria get impaled by a trident. Another cannon sounded as your vision started to fade out.

“I don't like the real world

I don't like the real world

It's tough out in the real world

Let's go back to our world”

You feel Finnick pick you up as sobs racked his chest.

“Please don’t die on me!” He sobbed. “Please.”

You felt like you were floating until you realized you were. Finnick had laid you in the water as he held onto you for dear life.

“Please don’t leave me,” he cried.

It took all of your remaining strength to reach your hand up, cupping his face.

“I love you Finn. Forever.”

His final promise- “I promise I won’t live without you.”

He cried harder as your vision faded out. The last thing you felt was his lips on yours as you lost consciousness.

The last thing you heard was a cannon going off as Finnick impaled his heart with one of your knives, sinking into the water next to you.

The last thing you remember was how much you loved him.

The final cannon sounded.

They would have no victor.

——

I hope you enjoyed/cried!

#finnick odair x reader #hunger games fic #hunger games angst #finnick x y/n #thg finnick #finnick deserved better #finnick odair #hunger games #the hunger games #finnick x oc #everlark #district 4 #mags flanagan

149 notes · View notes

cosmickvi · 1 year ago

Text

Praise Kink 🦊🐧 18+

Written for day 3 of Kvigust!

If there was anything that all idols shared, it was the fact that they were constantly hyper aware of themselves. Appearance, attitude, tone, personality, voice, skill, humor, etc. It was exhausting. Kai wasn’t usually prone to being kept up at night from insecure thoughts, but it was becoming more frequent. He caught himself being an internal bully about everything he did. His thoughts repeated insults and worries in endless circles that drove him mad. All he wanted was for it to just stop. He was at the end of his rope and knew that if he didn’t do what he usually did to release these pent up feelings, he would resort to something bad. Something he used to do before finding the safety and security of his headspace.

One night, after an especially brutal loop of self loathing, Kai sought out one of his hyungs. He needed their strong hands to hold his wrists down and their soft voices to play with his mind. He needed to be taken care, yet put in place. It was the only thing he desired. So, Kai exited his hotel room and walked to the door directly across from his own. He put his ear to the dark wood to listen for any snores. If Yeonjun was asleep he would seek out Soobin or Beomgyu instead. A moment later, he hesitantly knocked on the door when there was no sign of sleep.

“Hm? Why aren’t you in bed? Do I need to tuck you in?” Yeonjun grumbled, appearing in the doorway after opening it up. He wasn’t sleeping, but he wasn’t exactly awake either.

“Uhm- I need…you.” Kai murmured. He could feel the punches his thoughts threw at him.

‘He doesn’t want you here. He doesn’t like you. This is stupid. Deal with it yourself. Such a creep. Gross. Ugly. No one wants you.’

“Kai-ah? Hey, come here.” Yeonjun said, as he watched Kai’s eyes avoiding his own and filling with tears. He grabbed his elbow and ushered him inside and over to the bed.

Kai sniveled, sitting up by the headboard with his legs pulled to his chest so he could hide his face in his knees. Yeonjun sat beside him, silently coaxing him to open up. He pet his hair, leant on his shoulder and rubbed his back until Kai was no longer crying. What he didn’t expect was for him to jump up and run into the bathroom, locking the door. Yeonjun didn’t get up right away. He just listened for anything strange. There was nothing but the sound of running water.

“Oh dear…” The oldest sighed. He knew what Kai was doing. Whenever he cried or broke down without intending to, Kai would always flee to the nearest sink to rinse his face off with cold water. He hated crying in front of people. So much so, that he didn’t even want to look like he had been crying once he was calm again. Eventually, the bathroom door eased open and Kai stood by the bed.

“H-Hyung…can we do that- that thing.” Kai asked meekly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Yeonjun tilted his head and hummed inquisitively.

“What thing?” He asked.

“The thing…yknow, like t-take care of me. But, in a different way…” Kai mumbled. A lightbulb practically popped up over Yeonjun’s head.

“Oh! You mean get you into subspace for awhile?” He clarified. Kai nodded shyly.

Yeonjun crawled to the end of the bed and took Kai’s hand, pulling him back on to the bed. They didn’t need to go over ‘why’ Kai was asking for it because he already knew. The negative thoughts were at it again inside his head and he needed help escaping them. Yeonjun was proud of Kai for coming directly to him instead of burying it down until it came out explosively in an inappropriate setting. In the past that had happened.

They would never forget when they were backstage at an award show, two thirds of the way through the night, when Kai interpreted a flat facial expression sent his way as one of disgust. It lit the fuse to the bomb. He dropped to the floor of the small room they had to be in and sobbed uncontrollably. He started wailing about how much he hated himself, that he was the worst person on Earth. He begged for Yeonjun and Soobin to make it stop, referring to them both as “Daddy” in front of multiple staff members. It was a mess they all learned from.

So, without further hesitation, Yeonjun cupped Kai’s cheek and gave his forehead a soft kiss. It had been a long time since they had a chance to be so close.

“I’ll take care you, baby. Just tell me if you want to stop, okay?” Yeonjun whispered.

“Mhm.” Kai mumbled, already feeling a little lost within the close contact of their bodies.

“Good boy. Now, take all this off and lay down for me.”

Kai nodded silently, his heart fluttering from the first praise of the night. He followed Yeonjun’s directions and removed all of his clothing, leaving nothing between his skin and the silky bed sheets. Yeonjun removed only his shirt to make Kai feel less exposed and laid down on his side next to him, hooking one leg over Kai’s thigh. He started by running his hand over his plush chest, avoiding his perked up nipples and leaving wet kisses along his jaw and down his blushing neck. Kai inhaled shakily, his body quickly warming up and responding to the touches.

“Hmm, already getting hard? Just for me?” Yeonjun murmured against his ear. Kai nodded and glanced down at his cock. It was starting to swell up on its own, resting partially on the top of high thigh.

It twitched when Yeonjun flicked his nipples, and squished them between his fingertips. Yeonjun chuckled and nipped the edge of his ear, dragging his hand down from his chest, over his stomach, and down further to his balls. He held them lightly for a second before nudging them out of the way so he prod at his perineum. Kai parted his legs slightly, not missing the pressure of Yeonjun’s own half hard cock pushing harder into his thigh.

“I didn’t even have to ask. So smart, baby.”

Kai continued to let himself relax under Yeonjun’s careful touches, but he still felt too close to the surface of his normal conscious. He wanted to be drowning in Yeonjun’s voice, following every direction, earning the reward soon to come. It was harder to let go when Yeonjun was so focused on making his body feel good, accidentally going quiet.

“I- I want you to talk more…please.” Kai requested bashfully.

“Need some taking down?” Yeonjun asked thoughtfully.

“Yeah. Jus’ still thinking too much.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Those thoughts won’t be around much longer.“

Kai felt Yeonjun pull away to settle himself between his legs instead. His hands massaged the soft combination of fat and muscle built up upon his bones, as he wet his tongue before taking Kai’s cock into his mouth. He moved his tongue lazily along the underside of his shaft and bobbed his head slowly. Kai’s cock wasn’t larger than his own, so Yeonjun didn’t even blink when his hips bucked harshly and pushed it further into his mouth. Kai hissed, now fully hard and grabbed a fistful of Yeonjun’s hair. Yeonjun batted his hand away and pulled off, making Kai whine pathetically.

“You’re not in charge, mister. Aww, look how flustered your face is, tears already in your eyes. You’re my good little boy, aren't you? so obedient just for me, letting me do anything i want to.” Yeonjun purred, absentmindedly spreading his salvia around Kai’s dick with his hand.

“Yes, M’good.” Kai mewled.

“That’s right, now let Hyung taste you for awhile.” That didn’t sound right to Kai.

“Not Hyungie…just Daddy.” Yeonjun smirked at those words and chuckled, going right back to suck him off.

“Then be a good boy and watch Daddy.

Kai’s breaths steadily grew faster and lighter, his belly clenching and jumping everytime Yeonjun swallowed. He watched with half lidded eyes, occasionally lifting his head up from the pillows to get a better look at the man between his legs, only to dramatically drop it back. Kai’s thoughts blurred into a mess of spilled ink, as Yeonjun finally filled up his mind. He brought him all the way to the brink of an orgasm, and suddenly pulled away completely, making a cock ring with his fingers around the base of his dick.

“Ennhhh! D-Daddy noooo!” He moaned loudly, groaning and panting.

“Did you think I was going to let you cum? I don’t think you’ve earned it yet, baby. If you’re good, like I know you can be, Daddy will let you cum.” Yeonjun explained tantalizingly. He ignored Kai’s protests and shoved his fingers into his mouth. Kai instantly sucked them, like it was second nature, and got them drenched for him.

“Knees up and apart. There you go.”

Yeonjun took both wet fingers and pressed the tips of them against Kai’s hole, moaning in the back of his throat at the sight of Kai arching his back in an attempt to get them inside faster. He licked a strip up his reddening cock, and applied more pressure until they breached the tight muscle. Kai practically sobbed, toes curling into the mattress from the burn. He could take it. He knew he could take it. He was going to be a good boy, a perfect boy.

“Just relax, let that cute hole of yours loosen up a little. You’re doing so well.” Yeonjun praised, kissing the side of his thigh.

“Daddy~” Kai squealed, his dick leaking as he was suddenly pulled back into the boiling of being milliseconds away from coming.

“You sound so beautiful, baby. Take my fingers a little more, you can do it. Don’t cum, yet…Good boys do what they’re told.” Yeonjun challenged him. He could feel Kai’s muscles spasming throughout the lower half of his body, but he wanted to see how much longer he could hold back.

Kai snapped his thighs closed, only for Yeonjun to block them with his broad shoulders. He tsked, but didn’t take his away his hands. Kai whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut. Yeonjun slid his fingers halfway out and pushed them back in at an angle to make Kai yelp. He was so warm inside, practically on fire. Yeonjun would fuck him dumb if he had the energy, but this wasn’t about him. This was about making Kai feel special and loved.

“Ahh! Oh my god!!” Kai groaned from the way Yeonjun picked up the pace of his hand, properly fingering him. Tears rolled down the sides of his head and into his ears, but he hardly noticed. He was long gone.

“Good job, doing so good for me. So pretty and sexy. Feels good? Yeah? I want to see you cum, baby. I want to feel you cum in my mouth.” Yeonjun said, spitting on his fingers to keep them slick before slotting Kai’s cock between his lips again.

Kai unabashedly thrust his hips up into Yeonjun hot mouth, effectively fucking his throat while fucking himself down harder on his fingers. He wasn’t even coherent anymore, blubbering nonsense and letting out whiny cries over and over again. All he could focus on was the intensity flaming inside his body, screaming to explode. It nearly started to drive him crazy, but right before it could, he was arching his back and flooding Yeonjun’s mouth full of cum.

“AH-Hh! Mhnn! Mn! Mmhmm! Ahh! D-Da”

Yeonjun diligently worked him through his orgasm, leaving him trembling like a leaf as he swallowed the entirety of his load. He carefully removed his fingers from Kai’s hole and helped his baby sit up. Kai was basically jelly, whimpering and crying from the after shocks, as he felt Yeonjun holding him against his chest.

“Shhhh, I’ve got you. Daddy’s not going anywhere, baby. You did such a good job. I’m so proud of you…well, I’m always proud of you.” He soothed gently, going as far as rocking him and Kai side to side.

“You’re such a good listener, made all those sounds I love, too.” He whispered.

Yeonjun gave Kai the time he needed to properly catch his breath all while showering him in endless praise, which felt like sunshine on the boys skin. Kai basked in it; mindlessly soaking in the love radiating from his hyung. He felt safe, protected, and relieved. Yeonjun’s arms were there to hold him as long as he needed him to, or to pick him back up when he fell.

“Hm…Hyungie sleepy.” Kai murmured after calming down a significant amount and slowly returning to his senses.

“I bet!” Yeonjun chuckled. “Only good boys get this tired after coming, hm?”

“Only good boys.” Kai agreed, already nodding off.

#txt smut #txt gay #kpop smut #tomorrow x together #bottom huening kai #txt gay smut #top yeonjun #praise k!nk #praise #yeonkai #yeonkai smut

102 notes · View notes

aidensteddybear · 2 months ago

Note

Hi! I really enjoy your work its super cute!

I saw you were taking requests would like to make one if that's okay.

Its a regressor Jake and Tom fic with Ashley as their caregiver, and the prompt is Jake being jealous because he feels Ashley is giving Tom more attention than him, mainly because Tom is regressed a lot younger than Jake and needs the attention.

Thanks in advance and have a great day!

Regressors! Tom & Jake w/ Caregiver! Ashley

Jake wasn’t having a good day at all today. The only thing he wanted was attention from Ashley, but it seemed like he was never going to get it. Not with Tom’s need to be the “center of attention”.

Though, it wasn’t Tom’s fault. Tom was in a lot younger headspace than Jake was. He was only one year old, if that, while Jake was around four.

So obviously, Tom was very dependent on Ashley and needed pretty much her constant attention. Jake didn’t really understand that, he knew Tom was younger than he was, but he didn’t get why he needed so much attention.

To Jake, it was extremely unfair. He just wanted time with Ashley all to himself, that didn’t involve Tom being there or interrupting them with his whining and crying.

Currently, Jake was glaring at Tom and Ashley, though his anger was mainly towards Tom.

Jake was supposed to be playing with Ashley right now, but just like he expected, Tom had to ruin it for him.

Jake didn’t even get to play with Ashley for ten minutes, until Tom started fussing. So now, Ashley was too busy feeding Tom a bottle to play with Jake.

It wasn’t fair. Jake just wanted to play with Ashley and be given attention, but it was impossible. Tom kept stealing all of the attention he should be getting.

It didn’t take long for Tom to finish his bottle, but to Jake it felt like he was taking forever and doing it on purpose, just to spite him.

Jake watched as Ashley got Tom settled on the couch and went out into the kitchen, so she could go wash the bottle.

While Ashley was out in the kitchen, Tom climbed off the couch and quickly crawled over to Jake, who angrily glared at him.

“Go away..” Jake grumbled, but Tom didn’t listen. He giggled and attempted to sit down beside of Jake, but when he did, Jake harshly shoved him.

“Go away, Tom!” Jake yelled at him. Tom stared at Jake with a confused and upset expression. He had no idea what he did wrong or why Jake was so angry.

Tom tried to sit beside Jake again, but Jake pushed him once more.

“Gooo!” Jake whined as he kept pushing Tom away from him. At this point, Tom was extremely upset over being yelled at and pushed away.

So, Tom began to cry, which caused Jake to loudly groan and cross his arms. To him, Tom was being very annoying and was acting dramatic on purpose, just so he could be favorited by Ashley.

“Hey, hey. What’s going on, boys? I heard yelling and crying.” Ashley quickly went over to the two, and sat with them.

Tom crawled into Ashley’s lap and clung to her while crying. She hugged him back, which obviously only made Jake more upset.

“Jake? Can you tell me what happened?” Ashley questioned as she looked at him. Jake only pouted and shook his head, before standing up and storming off to a different room, making Ashley sigh.

Ashley noticed that Jake was acting a bit off for a while now, but she didn’t know exactly what was bothering him. Right now, she just needed to get Tom calmed down, then she would talk to Jake.

Luckily, Tom settled down pretty quickly. It only took about five minutes for him to fully settle down. Tom rarely cried for a long time, he was pretty easy to calm down whenever he was upset.

Since he was calm again, Ashley got him settled on his play mat. She laid Tom down on his stomach, so he could have some tummy time, and put some toys in front of him to keep him entertained while she went to check on Jake.

“I’ll be right back, Tom. Don’t go crawling off, yeah?” Tom looked up at Ashley and started to happily coo at her. Ashley smiled and patted his head, then went off to find Jake.

She eventually found him in the bedroom, where he was sitting in the corner with his knees up to his face while he quietly cried. Ashley frowned as she went over to him.

“Hey, bud. What’s going on?” She asked, sitting down next to him. Jake whined and didn’t respond to her.

“Jake, can you please tell me what’s wrong? I want to help.” Ashley spoke. Jake loudly whined and stayed quiet for a moment, before speaking.

“Doesn’ matter what’s wrong. You’re not gonna care. Only care ‘bout Tom.” Jake grumbled, still not looking at Ashley.

“Buddy, that’s not true. I don’t only care about Tom, I care about you too.” Ashley said. “Is that why you’re so upset? Have you been feeling left out?” Jake sniffled and nodded as he looked at Ashley.

“Y-Yeah..you keep givin’ Tom attention an’ not me. ‘S not fair! Tom’s doin’ it on purpose and you keep fallin’ for it!” Jake cried, before he practically threw himself into Ashley’s arms and clung to her.

Ashley hugged him tightly and rubbed his back while he cried.

“Jake, I’m so sorry I haven’t been giving you enough attention. But I need you to understand that it’s my fault, not Tom’s.” Ashley told him.

“Tom isn’t doing it on purpose. He’s just a baby, he can’t help it. That’s why he’s been so dependent and needing more attention.” Ashley explained.

“I haven’t been treating you fairly, and I’m sorry for not realizing that sooner. I promise, I’ll try as much as I can to give both you and Tom equal amounts of my attention.” Ashley spoke softly.

“Okay…jus’ wan’ you to play with me..” Jake said quietly. “You want to play?” Jake nodded and buried his face.

“Mhm…feel really bad..” He mumbled. “You feel bad? Why do you feel bad, buddy?” Ashley questioned.

“Cause I made Tom cry cause I was mad at him. I pushed him an’ yelled at him. Thought..he was making me mad on purpose…” Jake quietly admitted.

“Well, I’m very proud of you for owning up to what you did and realizing what you did wasn’t okay. Do you think you can apologize to Tom soon?” Jake nodded.

“Mhm. I go say sorry an’ then me and you play?” Jake asked. “Yeah, baby. We can do that. And I think Tom’s distracted with his toys, so he should be busy for a while.” Ashley said, making Jake smiled a little while wiping his tears.

Ashley held Jake in her arms for a little while, before the two went back out into the living room.

When they got there, Tom was still distracted by his toys and happily playing. Jake slowly went over to him and sat in front of him.

“Tom?” Jake mumbled shyly. Tom looked up at Jake with a smile as he excitedly cooed and giggled at him.

“‘M really sorry I was mean to you. Thought you were bein’ mean to me and stealing Ash from me on purpose..” Jake apologized. Tom only continued to coo at Jake, not exactly processing that Jake was apologizing to him, he was just happy to interact with him.

“I don’t really think he understands what you’re saying, but I’m sure he’d accept your apology if he did. He’s definitely not upset or mad at you, he wouldn’t be all smiley and noisy if he was.” Ashley told Jake as she placed a hand on his shoulder, making him smile.

“Do you want to play now, buddy?” Jake excitedly nodded. He gently patted Tom’s head, then stood up and went to go play with Ashley.

They played for a while, until Tom needed Ashley again. However, this time Jake wasn’t upset or annoyed, now that he knew Tom wasn’t doing it on purpose. He was only a baby, and Jake understood that.

He was well aware that Tom sometimes needed Ashley’s attention more than he did. And Jake was fine with that. He wasn’t jealous anymore.

#disventure camp agere #total drama agere #fandom agere #agere fandom #agere fic #age regression #disventure camp age regression #total drama age regression

7 notes · View notes

jjtheresidentbaby · 4 months ago

Note

Hi.

Can I please make a request for either more head cannons on Spider and Ant (as in their regression and friendship) (maybe some ADHD Ant)

Or a fanfic either about Ant's first time regressing in front of Spider or just a short soft drabble about Ant being with clingy with Spider

Thank you, I apologise if any of these don't make sense.

Ant & Spider Regression Friendship headcanons

warnings: !!season 2 spoilers!!, little!ant, little!spider, but more like flip!spider, cg!harper, adhd!ant & autistic!spider (yall will hear me out on this), swearing

ant is obviously the more rowdy and chaotic of the two

he likes to get spider in on his antics and while spider is reluctant at times, he mostly goes along with whatever ant says

spider is either regressed far younger than ant or far older than him, somewhere between 11-14, and acts as a big brother figure

this works well when they’re both regressed without a caregiver around since spider can care for himself & ant at the same time

if spider’s watching both of them while regressed himself their diets quickly become consistent of only candy, juice (for ant), energy drinks (for spider), and the easiest sandwich spider can throw together without having to venture out to a store

spider’s regression is much quieter and calmer than ant’s but occasionally he can get pretty emotional and ant is always there to try and distract him or wrap him in a hug

they’re both trash at talking about feelings so it’s rare they actually talk about what’s wrong but they find some quick go-to fixes

for ant it’s: candy, playing outside/at the park, make believe games, pacifers, cuddles & making forts

for spider it’s: cartoons, stuffed animals, legos, teethers, cuddles (depending on his mood), reading & trips to the beach

spider only needs one look at ant’s face to know what’s wrong and what action to take to make it better

ant usually needs to ask spider for a sense of direction but he gets it eventually

they have matching friendship bracelets they made with quinni — spider only wears his when he’s regressed but ant will wear it whenever

they both struggle a bit when dusty leaves their trio after s1

spider has a harder time with the change than ant, ant is really only upset because spider’s upset about it

they’ll both go to harper during these times — she’s the only one who will listen to their vents and actually understand, to some degree

ant has a tendency to regress at school much more than spider does

they have an emergency bag of little gear stored in spider’s locker, he also keeps a bit of stuff in his backpack anyway

ant can and will cover anything he can touch in any sticky substance — paint, peanut butter, glue, etc — and in turn, he covers spider in it too

the only time he won’t is if spider says his sensory issues can’t handle it

ant is sensory seeking while spider is most definitely not

they both have their own sets of noise cancelling headphones but ant rarely uses his, he just wanted an excuse to decorate them

spider almost always has his on when he’s regressed, no matter the age range

ant will eat just about anything & spider is picky as all hell — so ant ends up eating whatever spider’s picked off his food and ant gives spider the stuff he knows he likes

spider stutters quite a bit while regressed, especially in his tween headspace, and ant is always there to wait for him to get what he wants to say out & remind him to slow down

ant cannot sit still ever when he’s regressed, spider always lets him move around while they talk or play even if it’s an activity that’s usually meant to be done in one position

they’ll usually spend their time at spider’s place because his mom is rarely home and ant’s parents lowkey suck

#jj headcanons #heartbreak high agere #little!spider white #little!ant vaughn #spider x ant #ant vaughn #spencer spider white #adhd ant vaughn #autistic spider white

9 notes · View notes

borathae · 1 year ago

Note

I beg of you, please expand on the examination play OMG😭

I’m, honestly, thinking of a couple scenarios for this:

1) (I’m thinking more so kook for this) In the play room his arms are tied up in rope which is hooked to the ceiling. Initially, he’s left with nipple clamps (or vibes) and a vibrating dildo inserted, but his trousers and top remain on. He’s just left there. As the day progresses, so do the vibrations. Incrementally, OC comes into check on how he’s doing, to examine him. Shirt come off and she’s rubbing his nipples so to ensure that they’re not numb yet. Next time she comes in, she gropes his crotch and balls over his clothes (clothed teasing is so hot to me), but eventually the trousers are reminded and that why she check him out, by having him bend over and still feels him around and thrusts to ensure he’s all good (meanwhile the vines are still going strong). Just, ever increasing amounts of jumping groping examining etc.

2) With Yoongi Boongie (Honestly I love him so much). It’s centred around getting him into the headspace. The examination comes in the form of her ordering him to present whenever she wishes. When she asks, he must either bend over the nearest surface or just bend to teach his toes (The humiliation aspect is 🥵) So, she inspects him here as well. I’m also imagining crotch stepping perhaps (though I reckon that would work best with Kookie. Like, just stepping and teasing when he’s on the floor in a doggy position?) Eventually, she deems him healthy enough. Because, it’s Boongie, he’s rewarded for being so vulnerable with her.

This, got away from me, I’m so sorry. I just needed to dump these that’s somewhere.

fucking imagine how much more FUCKED Jungkook would look each time she'd come in to check him. imagine how messy and sticky his pants would be because he just keeps cumming over and over again and she just doesn't give a fuck. imagine how sweaty and teary-faced he'd be BESTIE don't do this to me I will actually nut on the spot

I LOVE I LOVE I LOVE jfadjf listen he'd be so teasing about it at first going all like "you want me to bend over? okay fine you weirdo <3" but then by the fifth, seventh, tenth time he'd start arhcing his back, stick his butt out more, put his hands into obedient positions LIKE HELLOO??? also the crotch stepping BRUh Yoongi and his his CBT kink?? he'd probably nut on the spot NFNADNSF

I will now contact my lawyer because holy fuck????? you just afndsnf went THERE nfandsf

#asks: aaol #asks: sanguis duology #asks #madstxo #yg thirst #jk thirst

19 notes · View notes

mukuberry · 3 months ago

Note

hi i'm one of your mutuals but i'm not very comfortable with asking this off-anon ! i would like to ask for your experience/advice. i've been recently questioning being plural but i don't understand how to fully untangle who am i at the moment, how many of me there are and what defines them. the main reason why i started questioning at all was getting a fictive (?) very distinct in values and character compared to how i act socially most of the time. to distinguish me i've tried using 1) strong feelings towards something (problem: depends on emotional state) and 2) what do i remember (problem: all fuzzy), so i wonder if there's an easier method i'm simply missing

Oh god im definitely not the best person to ask, but I'll try my best! Whenever I'm confused on who's who or what's going on, I usually rely on seeing what 'my' interests are. For example, I'm a hugely picky eater, so I'll try and see what food I'm craving in the moment, and if it's something I'd never normally eat, then it's safe to assume it's not me who's wanting it. Or music! I like most music but I'm usually only in the mood for a small handful of songs, so a sudden pull to a song and I don't really want to listen to is a good sign... things like that. Things that you already know your opinions on pretty well, so you'll notice any weird change. Trying to visualise myself in my head can also be pretty helpful at times!! When you're talking with another alter, trying to imagine yourself talking to them face to face can help show you what they look like and help with headspace access/creation, and if you can't visualise them, you might be able to get some clues from how your visualisation of yourself is different from normal.

That being said, please don't feel like you need to know who's who constantly! When you first start discovering your system, it can feel extremely overwhelming and you might feel like you need to know everything about everything as soon as possible and feel in control of yourself again (we definitely did), but I promise there's really no rush to these things. Not knowing who you are in the moment is extremely common, especially with blending and passive influence messing with things. As you start to learn more about your system and your other alters, it'll be easier to determine between them based on their opinions, the sound of their voice and ☆vibes☆, but you don't need to rush this process. You'll learn you have alters who are so different from eachother you can tell when they're there before they even know, and you'll learn you have alters so similar to you you'll never be able to really tell if they're even a separate alter from you- especially if you find out if you're a bigger system. I know it's hard and extremely frustrating at times, but it's probably best to try and go with the flow, slowly learn things but don't force anything, and if sometimes you really can't tell what's going on, take a moment to accept the identity confusion and accept that no matter how much you learn, there will always be moments like this. Try not to compare yourself to other systems online and don't beat yourself up if you make mistakes. You don't need to know or understand everything, no system does.

#thanks for the ask!#hope this is helpful!!! even a lil...#OH for alter count i was told by our main gatekeeper.... but u might not have one of those! or they might not wanna say #its the same as the second paragraph really.... you don't need to know all this ^^ trying to force it might make things worse #u can try n keep a count of everyone u meet... but ull probably mess it up since differentiating between alters can be hard #if any other systems r reading this please add on if you can think of anything ♡#im really not qualified though lmao my system is a mess. ive known for 4 years and ive got no clue what's going on at any moment

5 notes · View notes

boyswanna-be-her · 1 year ago

Text

I spent the last five days & nights w BFR, and before that we'd spent TWENTY of the previous 25 days together, usually only pausing to sleep separately. And although we'd been joking about it, I didn't actually realize what a mindfuck for me specifically it would be to spend several years alone and then most of a month with someone and then need to abruptly be apart for two weeks.

Emotionally on a day to day level that's just so not an issue. I spent years and years of my past relationships craving freedom and alone time and the ability to do whatever i want whenever i want it without waiting on someone else or having to take their opinions into account. I was definitely sweating being lonely and probably I still will eventually feel lonely on this trip--but getting on the highway today to head to Denver ended up feeling good and familiar and right.

But this morning was not that way. PTSD is fickle and I'm still learning my triggers. Being around someone I really care about is dredging up a lot of things that didn't get metabolized in my last relationship. And this morning, I woke up at 1 am on my couch with BFR in a full-on panic. Something about the fact that we'd fallen asleep in front of a movie instead of bed was the first thing that set me off (idk man, idk). I woke them up, they said they would come to bed, I went to bed in my panic and put on sleep noises and exhaustion managed to override the panic and I cried myself to sleep assuming I'd wake up w BFR.

I woke up again at 4:00. They hadn't come to bed from the couch. Legitimately I recognized that this meant nothing but that didn't matter. My mind has gone FULL police sirens now. I go back to the couch. They fully wake up and apologize for falling back to sleep and make room for me and I try to get comfortable w them on the couch but NOPE somehow this process makes my mind actually tip from being skittish to having a full-blown anxiety attack. I realized after a minute of sitting with the feeling of overwhelming panic and terror (which it took me TWO more hours to identify as a panic attack btw wrow) that none of the feelings were coming from the sleeping situation, but I failed to figure out WHERE they were coming from. So Iay there on the couch trying not to sob, so so so fucking confused about what was happening beneath the surface of my consciousness.

I just couldn't parse it. Like, BFR is great and our time is great but I don't know them well enough to be in love with them or even to miss them THAT much. Like christ, not sobbing over it! Not heart beating like I'm running type of upset.

Finally after I'd done every errand and packing task I could think of, I was still sobbing off and on so went to my Mom's place for a xanax (she was sleeping but luckily my dad knew where she keeps them). Then i came home abd I woke BFR up and basically said "i think I'm having a panic attack and I could use some company, like, fucking yesterday about it, and at least until the xanax i just took kicks in." And they got up and got their act together and immediately started uhhh taking care of me in a healthy way. Just sat with me and listened, said everything was going to be ok. And I talked at them and cried and cried and finally worked out that it had been a panic attack since I woke up at 1:00, I just had been deflected thinking it was bc I was sad to leave BFR.

In reality, there was this deep and abrupt CERTAINTY that I woke up with that my life had somehow fundamentally changed overnight and there was nothing I could do about it. It's almost 24 hours later and I'm still all shaken up to even approach understanding that headspace, but there it is. Between the fast onset of Jonathan's mental illness, his unexpected suicide, and the really awful way D ended their relationship with me a few weeks after Jonathan died, I have a very deep-seated belief that everything in my life can and will change without warning, for the extreme worse, ESPECIALLY when I feel safe, secure, loved, and excited about my future.

I just woke up and "knew" that it was all changing. I felt deeply that one or several devastating events were going to take place once I left town. Top on my list, when I drill into it, is that one of my parents or friends will get a devastating injury and/or die before I can say goodbye (lmao no idea where that comes from 🙄). It also felt/feels (when I let myself feel it and put it into words) 85% likely that BFR will change their mind about me while I'm gone and pretend like all of this never happened. Which honestly when I look at it with my logic brain is even less likely to happen than someone dying.

So I really got in there and sat with those feelings. It only helped a little bit to say it all out loud to BFR. It only helped a little bit to get their reassurance. That's how it is with this shit: it's not logical or evidence-based, so you can't logic your way out of it.

Eventually the Xanax got me, and I fell asleep in bed with BFR being the best and watching me and stroking me and waiting for me to either wake up on my own or need to be woken so I didn't miss my day of travel.

I slept HARD for two hours. When I woke up they were there waiting for me, sitting in bed. They had quietly continued cleaning my apartment, as well as gathering up all the snacks they had to send with me on the road trip today.

I felt so much less insane after the third attempt at sleep. Without talking through it AND a healthy dose of a sedative, I don't know that I would've been able to get on the road. I cannot think of a time other than during the sheer ego death of Effexor withdrawal in December when I was that completely panicked and inconsolable and SCARED.

I was two hours behind but after all that i was ready to go. I got the dogs loaded up and ran into a friend who said BFR was "a cutie" and we "would be a perfect couple" (i'll tell her later we already are 💕). I finally dropped them off on their side of town and hit the road for my first leg to Tennessee.

It is definitely taking lots of bandwidth for BFR to be there for me in the way that they are currently showing up. I know more about their history now and it makes me even more appreciative of the monumental effort it has taken to let someone new into their life. They had therapy this afternoon (let's goooo weekly therapy havers!!) and I could absolutely tell by the VERY serious tenor of their texts this evening that they'd been talking about us in therapy which is 1. Something a partner has NEVER done before, I'm always begging my partners to get therapy and they dont and 2. Incredibly fucking encouraging/affirming that they are indeed putting thought into me and I'm not stupid to be doing all the communication groundwork to build something nice. Shit is so pleasantly NOT one-sided. Like my last therapy sesh was me asking how I can avoid becoming codependent and wrecking my own life for someone, and their sesh had an apparent focus on communication with me and how to be vulnerable with me. The fuck? How healthy? Go off, I guess. We had a really thoughtful and helpful communication session (I had to pull over while driving but I did so happily bc it's really worth it), which in retrospect was not an easy conversation for either of us. We both were acknowledging some difficult truths about ourselves and setting expectations for what that means about a relationship. It's honestly quite doable things to overcome, and EARLY to be digging in, but it's also really fucking helpful to be in the loop with what they're thinking/fighting and I'd imagine vice versa.

But they sent me thoughtful texts all day (more than I sent them), did their yoga class, therapy, called me once I was settled in the hotel, listened to my stories about the day, asked if I wanted to stay on the phone and watch a movie together. I went to the hotel gym instead. Solo travel is going to be tough on my sobriety, and getting physically worn out has been helping a lot. Doesn't matter much what I do--just gotta tire out the software by running the hardware or something like that.

So. It was an awfully hard day. BFR took it in stride but I did not. I tripped up and kind of rolled down a fucking jagged hill. But all I can do is show up and try again and not sweat it too much that PTSD is going to be a part of my life until it's not. There's a lot that makes it worth it right now.

I think I have a lot of potential to create something special and rare with this person who has found me. Usually when someone cares about me this much and fawns over me and wants to help me in areas where I really need it, I find it a huge turn off. That's always made me feel misanthropic, but idk. Maybe there was always some thin-slicing going on and I felt that there would be a catch. But with BFR there's something I recognize there. The care they give me isnt a donation, or an investment, or a down payment. They genuinely like to see me succeed, like to see my pain eased or erased, even when there's nothing they can gain from me. They're happy to make me happy in a way that I actually don't think I've ever encountered from someone who was interested in me. Like I hate to just relegate them to the cliche of service top but they are indeed panning out to be someone who gets off in every way by overachieving in helping or pleasing me--and they're talented at making that service-y aspect somethinf that I'm the boss of, instead of making me feel like I'm a pet project or something to be changed.

That's my ramble. Needed to vomit it all out somewhere. I'm retroactively editing so my apologies for the everything. Pictures to come.

#bfr #colorado trip

21 notes · View notes