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dreamlandcreations · 3 months ago

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Told ya, I'm daydreaming with high speed 🙃

Morgoth torturing Sauron in the show - I was under the impression that it was more psychological and captivity and emotional torture than physical but idk...

I went there bc Morgoth probably slowly corrupted his view of the world and his place in it bc it is said that Mairon wasn't evil to begin with, right? So I bet some of it was what Sauron is doing to Celebrimbor, make his reality twist until he doesn't know what is real... There might also be some physical "chains" in/on his soul from Morgoth's darkness that he couldn't get rid of when he was trying to turn away from evil, so maybe that's the physical part of the torture 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's okay, you don't have to answer any of these, I kinda played it out in my head just didn't want to influence you with something too specific. So yeah, these are just to get inspo if you feel like exploring any of this 🥰

I think I read somewhere that Mairon did not agree with Melkor on how to do most things and definitely not the endgame (idk if it was lore or discussion or fic (it's all blurring together tbh)) but that could be the start of their power play...

Yes, I was just thinking as I read this that ok they bonded but that would be a weakness too, right?

Yay, glad I could brain-tickle (love that phrase btw If you couldn't tell 😅) even if it wasn't to write something new. It's still fun to realise how the pieces fit together with what you have already done, right?

where reader was when Sauron was killed by Adar - so, I guess she was probably broken for a while... then she might have tried to find out what happened? maybe some plans to get revenge? then she could feel him again and when she couldn't find him she decided to get herself together so she would not burden him more/could help him...

If you wanna go with the show's direction (as I saw it anyway) it could be fate that brings her to Celebrimbor like Sauron meets Galadriel in the middle of nowhere... oh oh oh... maybe those meetings were meant to sway them from their path together (I'd pick meeting Elrond rather than Celebrimbor but anyway) instead this worked out for their evil plans 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feel free to rant or ramble or share any random stuff when you feel like it, my ask box is open 🥰

Brain-tickling questions 🫡 (and some thoughts) on the sweetly deranged: the prequel aka the torture-buddies to lovers progression:

How did she get to be a servant of Morgoth exactly? What did it take from capturing her to making her serve him as a healer? (I would also liked to explore sometime how Melkor made Mairon sway to serve him - you could also go there, him sharing his reasons/story when they get closer)

How did she gain Sauron’s trust? (And he hers?) I assume it would take more than just healing him…

Quiet moments between them? First? - conversation, moment of trust/bonding, kiss…

She is watching him turn darker and darker by the treatment of Morgoth and the things he does in his name. How would she react? How would it affect them?

I’m not sure about the timeline… (Like in general with all the canon and show stuff but anyway…) Melkor was defeated and locked up for a while… Did our sweetly deranged meet before this??? (I would assume bc of it would be integral to the story how Mairon chanced to Sauron, right?) So if they were together before Melkor was defeated then what happened to them in the time they were free of him? Why would they go back to serving him???

Their “wedding”? How long did it take to get there? Why did they go that far to make a bond and whose idea was it?

What happened after Morgoth was defeated? (Sauron is supposedly regretful but to shameful/prideful to go back to Valinor but tries to turn to good for a while)

And at last (for now 🙈)… What happened to her when Sauron was killed by Adar? Where was she then and what happened to her for like that 1000 years until they met again?

Oh wow this is a lot to think about. I’ve read the Silmarillion but I still feel like I know so little about Morgoth and Sauron and exactly how they were together. There was nothing about Morgoth torturing Sauron as far as I remember (correct me if I’m wrong) so if not for that tidbit of information in the show my mind wouldn’t have gone to ‘torture-buddied to lovers’ in the first place.

I honestly don’t have answers to all these questions at the moment (and those that I do have might change in the future) but off the top of my head, here’s what I have in mind:

Warning: evil!reader, mentions of torture and fucked up dynamics below the cut:

They met after Mairon ‘fell from grace’, around the time he was talking about in the show—when Morgoth was torturing him in punishment? as an experiment? anyway, when Sauron was maybe growing disillusioned with Morgoth/starting to regret joining him, but it was too late. Reader was also in a situation of helplessness and in need of some way of coping with being imprisoned by Morgoth, so with time they kind of started to cling to each other, each seeing some kind of hope for escape in the other, if not physical then at least spiritual. And in my mind there is also an element of the reader’s own inner darkness finding a match in Sauron’s, I don’t imagine she was this perfectly innocent Elf maiden who never did anything wrong in her life. Maybe she was part of the kinslaying between Elves and did repent but always carried some resentment from those conflicts within her, or a dark secret of what she did to save herself/her family. Her descent into full evil is a blend between there was always the potential for it, and then she went a little insane to cope with the insanity thrust upon her.

Their relationship was a secret at first, because they knew Morgoth would be furious when he found out. Maybe that is part of the reason why they decided to bind themselves to each other the way they did. They were afraid Morgoth would try to tear them apart if he knew Sauron was more loyal to her than to his master, so they wanted to ensure they could still feel each other even if they weren’t physically together. Not to mention Sauron wanted to make her stronger by sharing some of his abilities with her, to further protect her from Morgoth’s wrath if need be.

But maybe that’s exactly what backfires, because the moment Sauron binds his soul to hers, Morgoth senses through his power what his servant has done. It’s too late now to kill her, however, since that would mean losing Sauron (not to death necessarily, but he would, like I hinted at in the fics, lose it mentally if she died, and vice versa). So he exploits their bond instead, threatening each with the other’s suffering unless they serve him well, only letting them be together physically as a hard-earned ‘reward’ (just angst all around). So maybe that answers your question of why they would continue/resume serving him past a point where maybe they could have stopped. He simply finds a way to trap them again and instead of tormenting them separately, he torments each of them to keep the other in line.

I hadn’t considered the bit about Sauron being too prideful to return to Valinor before, but now that I do here’s a thought: maybe in this version where he has reader he does, or at least he communicates with the Valar regarding a possible pardon. And they would grant him this pardon, but only if he accepts a punishment that matches the gravity of all his crimes—and that punishment is to undo his bond with reader and part ways with her forever. Which is cruel for the reader as well, but like I mentioned, she is not exactly averse to dark deeds as long as they serve hers and Sauron’s agenda. The Valar know they have the best chance of ‘falling back into sin’ if they stay together, and that’s also when they are at their most dangerous, so this is the Valar’s way of trying to prevent that. Of course, Sauron and reader refuse. (Note: the bond isn’t something Sauron and reader can undo as simply as you would get a divorce. It would require the intervention of the Valar, but, at the same time, the Valar cannot undo this bond without Sauron and reader being willing, or at least surrendering to it happening.)

Now that I think about it, this works nicely as a broader context for reader’s line in Defied, about how she and Sauron would have been content to simply be together after Morgoth was defeated, but they realized in order to be free to be together they would have to be the ones in control of everything, because otherwise some power will always try to get in between them.

I wondered myself where reader was when Sauron was killed by Adar🤣 All I know for now is she wasn’t there at the time, but she felt it happening from afar and it was... basically like dying herself. For a while, she might have even believed Sauron was truly gone, but in the end she could feel, even if very faintly, that the bond was still there and that with time... even if it’s a very long time... they will be reunited. Eventually she decides to establish herself within the Elven community so that when Sauron returns they have some leverage over them. And since he was experimenting with creating an object with ‘power over flesh’ to rival the Silmarils before Adar killed him, where best to establish herself than at the side of Fëanor’s descendant, Celebrimbor? It’s a guessing game at this point, but it’s likely that his skill will come in handy in the future. Call it a gut feeling.

So, yeah, if you pick my brain right now, that’s all there is. I’ll likely stick to writing reader into canon or at least in very canon-adjacent contexts cause those are just the scenes I can see the most clearly in my head. I do like messing around with these little headcanons though, so thanks for giving me a chance to rant about it a bit😘

#sauron x reader #halbrand x reader #annatar x reader #mairon x reader #the rings of power

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jadenvargen · 3 years ago

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your kiraodo melted through my brain like acid and feels like someone smooching my heart directly!!! but also jay what odo childhood novel (and is it good and should I read it)

ACH i’m glad I really love ’em… omg I have so much to say about the novels I feel like I’m gonna ramble for a hundred years but TLDR; they’re the terok nor trilogy and they’re called night of the wolves, dawn of the eagles, day of the vipers, and are about the occupation of Bajor from the cardassian DS9. the ones concerning baby odo’s upbringing are dawn of the eagles and night of the wolves:)

honestly i skimmed them a lot for character parts because the writing and OCs didn’t really have me hooked personally, but oh man those parts were stellar. It skips a lot since it follows a lot of chsracters but we get Odo learning to talk, babbling like a baby and being a creepy little slime baby not knowing how to make a real body :) Just adored it! Also his basic education, confusion about gender(yayyy), confusion about identity, and very downplayed but still present mora brand parental abuse. more details and rambles about the novels and details under readmore LOL

Also, Odo’s first years outside. We also get his days as an officer. One ”oh huh” thing is that Mora says it’ll be at least 10 years til he’s can think and function like an adult when he starts working, (which I find particularly interesting as he remarks to Laas he first gained sentience 30 years ago in season 7— making him 23 at the start if the show, and the youngest core crew member any way you slice it.) (extra extra funny that In the beginning script Odo was pitched as a ”middle aged clint eastwood type”— gee, that changed quick!)

We also get Kira’s resistance days which I think tend to be written in a kind of corny YA fashion but it might be fun for some people! And also get a Quark Odo meeting much like in — and we also get Odo’s first-first time seeing Kira when she breaks into his lab, which I think is extra gender fun because he thinks she’s a boy before he’s like wait… she has a different vibe…. bit corny but fun:) Odo also helps out with Bajoran resistance fighting as he gains further understanding, and in fact it’s Kira who recommends him for the job of security chief at DS9 so Ok. Interesting.

Some Odo exerpts I think are very. Good! :]

All in all I’m kindof a snob when it comes to published writing and also I hate most DS9 novels they’re all well, tv tie-in novels but also theu’re either boring as hell, misogynist, racist, or like everyone is an evil sex pervert. The Terok Nor ones are fine, buuuut I would honestly skim if you’re not a diehard for lukewarm space politics, I don’t think the conflict or OCs are especially interwsting and the first book is just about Dukat and Doesn’t explore him in any way I personally find interesting. Dawn of the eagles can be found on internet archive but the others aren’t hard to find Somewhere if you catch my drift.

Also if by any chance you’re interested in any other DS9 pockets my two cents are the only ones that are fun are:

-the tempest

-vengeance

-devil in the sky

-saratoga but only the subplot where odo has to impersonate quark for a ferengi deal the sisko plotline is hell on earth😔

and a stitch in time is widely recommended but I’d skip tbh… or like the parts on ds9 with julian are good, but i cannot say i care at all for the cardassian maze runner divergent ghoul school, nor the way any of the women are written lmao and i read classic french lit for a hobby so u kno its bad if i cant stand it it’s literally the she breasted boobily down the stairs meme😂 i never read the 34th rule because i found its concept extremely tasteless. like really… anyway sorry for the ramble I just get really excited talking about star trek tie-in novels.

TLDR theyre kinda boring but have fun parts and are avaliable free online so i mean why not?

++Odo’s first words and some other Le Swag Baby Odo scenes:)

#ask #long post #sorry am a geek at heart!! i will geek out >_<

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slytherinsnekxvii · 3 years ago

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let's talk about lily evans and the marauders, aka moony, wormtail, padfoot and prongs. given that i didn't use their actual names, i think you can figure out where this is going. it's also long as hell, so. canon vs fanon, marauder edition, except snek is sleep deprived.

now, before we begin, i don't dislike the marauders. or lily, tbh. if I'm being perfectly, genuinely honest, i still go back and forth sometimes but they've been growing on me for a while now. the canon versions, at least. fanon does them real dirty, and that's part of why i'm writing this, because i'm genuinely tired of it. it's an injustice.

you can at least make excuses for james and lily, who were so undeveloped that jkr practically dropped a fill-in-the-blank sheet of character information in our laps, but sirius, remus and peter were around long enough for y'all to get real acquainted with them.

in canon, sirius black is an unhinged mf. genuinely. this isn't to say he's a bad guy, in fact, we see that he's still capable of doing good things, still capable of love, still capable of all the things that prove he's actually not bad at heart, just,,, severely traumatised and very steeped in negativity from his time with the dementors. what i'm saying is that this man is absolutely, no questions asked, no holds barred demented, and how could he not be? the guy sat wrongfully imprisoned in azkaban for twelve years, a good portion of which he spent as a dog in order to protect himself from the dementors. he certainly wasn't completely insane, but you cannot tell me that he was all there. he got out of azkaban fuelled almost solely by the intent to get revenge on pettigrew, tried to commit murder in front of three witnesses who were also children—one of whom was his godson—ate rats and was also malnourished, which i'm certain did not help the situation any. this man is off his goddamn rocker, and you know what? you love to see it. good for him.

oh, but, snek, that's what he's like as an adult. what about when they were at school? before azkaban? my guy, the reaction he has to grimmauld place is not the reaction of someone without trauma. i don't believe that walburga and orion were the type to physically abuse their children, but whatever happened in that house helped to fuck him up enough that he skipped the joke of part of practical joke, and pranked snape by telling him how to meet a werewolf that he knew would be fully transformed and dangerous to humans. more than that, the werewolf was remus, whom he's friends with, and who—best case scenario—would be facing a trial if james hadn't stepped in. you can say that maybe he didn't think about or understand the gravitas of his actions, but at the end of it, that's not how properly sane people react to people they dislike, and that's not how they treat their friends. if anything, it reads like he was in the middle of a breakdown and absolutely losing his shit and he wasn't thinking at all.

my guy went through some serious shit, and was in no way completely mentally stable. we can see pretty clearly that he's got a serious dark side to him that probably would have gone unbridled had he not disagreed with his family, and yet, fanon took one look at him and went, "teehee, uwu bad boi go vroom."

fanon said padfoot is a pretty boy with nice hair who is tastefully traumatised from his horribly abusive household. sirius rides his motorcycle and plays jokes and flirts with anything that moves, but he can do no real wrong and always comes back to his soft, bookish, chocolate-loving boyfriend remus, who will laugh about his lycanthropy and quietly disapprove but secretly laugh at his friends' antics while hiding his smile in his cardigan.

respectfully, what in the absolute fuck.

i'd put that meme in here if i could, the one that's like, "well done, you've broken _______ down to its bare essentials," but no. i can't bc it doesn't even apply. this isn't a meme, it's theseus' fucking ship.

fanon broke it down, and replaced the pieces one by one until we got to this point, where we need to sit down and ask ourselves, "is this even the same character?"

the answer is no, by the way. it isn't. when people talk about woobifying characters—you know, taking away every flaw they have, romanticising everything they do and making them only capable of doing good, wonderful, lovely things?—this is what we mean.

and it'd be one thing if it was just the one character, but, no. fanon went all in and made them all squeaky clean and boring, especially peter, who draws the shortest of the straws.

remus got fucked, too. not just because fanon insists on sticking him into a relationship with sirius. which, we'll tackle wolfstar in a bit, but that's not even the worst of it. here, we have yet another example of blatant, rampant woobifying. again, is he a bad person? no. we know he's a good guy, we know he's generally kind and well-mannered, we know that he wants to fo the right thing but hey, fun fact. did you know that you can be nice and a coward? did you know that you can be benevolent and good and kindly and have the greatest of intentions and still be shady as fuck? no? ask dumbledore. the man played people like chess pieces when he needed to, and he was a twinkly grandpa. these are things that can coexist.

teenage remus is a coward who, understandably, does not stand up to his friends, likely for fear of being ostracised, and doesn't uphold his prefect duties as he should and takes part in their bullying of snape as a result. he lets them romp with him in werewolf form while they are in their animagus forms and then, he lets them continue to do so even after they have multiple close calls, which, again, had anything happened, would have resulted in a trial in the best case scenario.

grownup remus is still a coward, he tells no one that sirius can move about the school in his animagus form despite wholeheartedly believing that he's a mass murderer, he tries to run out on his wife and unborn kid. he isn't deliberately making attempts to harm anyone, but he's content to sit back and let things happen to him and around him so he doesn't rock the boat, although he is capable of action, which we see when he is more than willing to help sirius merk pettigrew in the shack. he can be careless, he runs out to the shack knowing he hasn't taken his wolfsbane and ends up transforming in front of the students he, as a teacher, is meant to be protecting. of course, this doesn't negate his good qualities, it just bears repeating that his flaws do exist, and they're pretty serious.

fanon moony is always pleasant and kind and soft-spoken and bookish, and he always has to have his chocolate. he knows when to tell off his friends, and he'll do it, even if he's secretly amused by everything they do and laughs about it with his best friend, lily evans, who coincidentally spends all her time with them so he and sirius can go on double dates with james and lily and no one has to remember peter exists.

why. theseus' ship 2.0. does the actual character still exist or is this something entirely different thing bearing the same name?

as for peter, who needs peter pettigrew, the actual, legitimate, fourth marauder when you have lily evans? canon pettigrew is opportunistic as fuck. he's latching himself to the biggest bad on the block and he's going all in. for teenage peter, that was james and sirius, and for adult peter, that's voldemort. canon peter is good enough at transfiguration to master the animagus transformation, just like his friends, and he's good enough at potions to brew the potion that gives voldemort a body. and honestly, you can't say he wasn't brave. he could've run off somewhere and died, or changed his identity or something after he faked his death and framed sirius, but, no. he goes and resurrects voldemort. that's fucked up, yeah, but it happened and honestly, i respect that it. he stuck to his guns.

fanon wormtail is lucky if he exists beyond being a spineless sycophant for james and sirius, or an evil conniving little rat who's looking to toss his entire friend group to the wolves at eleven.

of course, this isn't meant to negate his bad qualities, he still murdered people and framed sirius and sold out the potters to die, but his good characteristics do exist, and james, sirius and remus genuinely were his friends.

and now, we get to lily and james.

we have hardly any information on either of them. they're a pair of cardboard cutouts that we can paint and stick flyers to and colour outside the lines however we want. we can do whatever the fuck, as long lily is brave and smart and somewhat kind and james is brave and willing to die for his family. we were essentially handed a pair of ocs.

and yet.

what little bits of canon we have are thrown out of the window regardless.

james is privileged and rich, and he throws hexes for fun. he's willing to hex lily when she disagrees with him, and then, he goes behind her back to continue hexing snape after she believes that he's stopped doing so. and that's all we know about him until he dies for his family at twenty-one years old. once again, say it with me: this does not negate his good qualities. he definitely had them, he took sirius in when sirius ran away from home, he became an animagus to keep remus company as a wolf, and he saved snape in the shack, thereby saving remus and sirius by extension. him having flaws does not make him a bad person.

fanon prongs is a feminist. he fights for equal rights for women everywhere, and he constantly treats his girlfriend, lily, like an absolute queen. he's the hottest boy in school and everyone claps when he walks through the halls. mcgonagall and dumbledore are always patting him on the back and making jokes with him. he has a built-in dark detector that helps him sense when someone is a evil and needs to he punished.

give me a break. the dude's cool and all, but was the gary stu treatment necessary?

...oh, he needed to match fanon lily? right, right.

canon lily is a contradiction unto herself. she's supposedly a great friend, but since we see her at a point where they were already drifting apart, we see her putting little effort into keeping their friendship afloat. she victim blames based on rumours, she doesn't seem to care over much about what snape has to say about the people who have been tormenting him since day one. and she's justified, of course, she doesn't have to stick around. canon lily is a bit of hypocrite, she says that snape calls everyone of her birth mudblood, but then that begs the question why she still hangs around with him if that's the case. he calls her mudblood, she retaliates by calling him snivellus, and finishes up with a dig about his underwear, which, sure, it's kicking a man with a rusty spoon and pouring salt in the wound, but she's, again, justified. i get where she was coming from. and then, of course, she dies for her kid after marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied her quote-unquote best friend for their entire school careers. but, like i said, canon lily is, in many ways, a contradiction.

lily is basically a plot device. she pushes everyone's narrative but her own, and does little else.

of course, this trend would continue in fanon. fanon lily exists to be the perfect girl who gets really angry over the slightest injustice, and of course, she gets to be one half of one of the oldest enemies-to-lovers "it was just sexual tension" cliche pairings in the book. she's just,,, a mary sue. in so many fics, so many headcanons, she's just pettigrew's stand-in, a girl to form a gang with marlene, mary and dorcas—who happen to be more undeveloped ocs who also get the woobify mary sue treatment—to parallel the marauders. there is nothing compelling about her character when she's presented as a saint, and even less when she's supposedly the other moral compass for the marauders that doesn't actually work because she thinks that james is cute.

and this brings me to the next topic. jily. what, why, how. this was supposed to be a healthy, happy relationship that would have lasted in the long run? absolutely not. even for its time, i can't say that i see it lasting.

first of all, jkr presents james' crush on lily as just that: a crush. a mildly obsessive one, but a crush nonetheless, which she tries to liken to the pulling of pigtails. and then, we see that james' way of getting her to go out with him consists of blackmail, and when that doesn't work, he resorts to threatening her. this could have been set aside if he had actually, genuinely changed when they started spending more time together, but as we're told by sirius and remus, he didn't. he just got better at hiding what he was up to. and it has to be that he hid it, because if she knew, this further damages the character that she's set up to have and paints her out to be either unable to stand up to him or an enabler.

regardless, they get married. and while i have trouble believing that it was out of genuine love, there are scenarios that could make some semblance of sense. it's wartime, after all, and maybe lily is worried about her stability in the wizarding world, so why not marry into an established family whose son is already showing interest? or perhaps, she falls into the trap of every bad boy cliche ever, and she thinks to herself, well, i got him to be better then, maybe i can get him to do even better in the future. or maybe, she doesn't get into a relationship with him immediately and sees him on and off, until eventually, she accidentally gets pregnant and they scramble to have a shotgun wedding so as not to leave lily alone at nineteen with a baby. or maybe they marry each other because they're there and sure, neither of then is ready and they don't know what love even is but what else is there to do when there's a dark lord about? anyways, the point is, they get married.

and then what? if we count pottermore into canon, he goes on to further damage her relationship with petunia and vernon, to the point where she ends up crying. if we don't, she fades into the background enough that nobody has anything to say about her. she's harry's mum, she's james' wife, lily potter, she was kind and smart and brave and that's it. her agency is gone, anything else we have of her personality is gone.

jily just,,, wasn't built to last. and, yeah, this,,, this is a hill i'll die on.

same with wolfstar, honestly. there are so many reasons why it wouldn't work, but fanon has made it so fucking prevalent that it's literally everywhere no matter where you look.

first of all, i've said it before and i'll say it again. sirius is more likely to get with james that he is to ever end up in a relationship with remus. their chemistry is just,,, underdeveloped. net zero for a relationship.

secondly, sirius instigated the werewolf prank, and lupin would have paid the price for it. this could have been overlooked, but he doesn't seem the slightest bit guilty about any of it when it's brought up in poa. he could have been responsible for lupin losing the security of his place at hogwarts in the best case scenario, and in the worst case, his life. and he seems to look forward to full moons, even though they clearly aren't pleasant for remus, which,,, yeah, you're going to have fun, but like, maybe be concerned about the fact that your friend undergoes excruciating pain and it isn't a pleasant time for him? read the room, my g.

thirdly, they don't trust each other as much as fanon seems to think they do. they were both willing to believe each other the traitor before ever suspecting pettigrew. sirius thought remus gave away the potters, hell, he thought remus was a spy for voldemort, and remus was convinced that sirius was a mass murderer. neither of them needed to be convinced.

fourthly, maybe i'm reading too much into it, but like. sirius had money. remus had no money, since, yk, he was a werewolf and struggling for cash and still, sirius,,, did not leave him any money. i feel like if you had money to spare, you would give to your friend who is literally poor. but, again, maybe i'm reading too much into it and this isn't as valid a point as i think it is.

and ehh, the fifth reason is that it's,,, actually very much not the representation for the ltgbt community that fanon says it is but y'all aren't ready for that conversation.

anyways, just,,, even when you set the couple shit aside, the power dynamics between everyone here is fucked. like, james and sirius are clearly at the top of food chain calling the shots and egging each other on. then there's lily, who isn't even a marauder, but is always ever-so-slightly above remus but still not on their level, because, well. neither of them actually listen to her. remus is the novelty friend, the friend who's,,, alright, i guess, but you keep them around specifically because they're funny or they can dance or they have something that you can either show off to other people or keep as your little inside joke, your little secret, yk? and peter is just sort of there. like, yeah, he can do what we can but does that make him as good as we are? no. does he have a funny little something about him that we can exploit? nah. therefore he sits at the bottom. and like, yeah, james and sirius are on the same level, but james is yanking sirius' chain, not the other way around. anyways, like i said. power dynamic's fucked and it bothers me that we were given all of this, and fanon decided to take it all and throw it away so they could give us flamboyant!badboi!sirius black x softboi!motherhen!remus lupin going on double dates with feminist!trustfundbaby!james potter and saint!lily evans while ignoring peter pettiwho?

theseus' fucking ship, indeed.

anyways, this needed to be said. it might not make as much sense as i want it to, considering it's 4:12 in the morning as i'm posting this, after taking a break from writing to do some research and coming across way too much content about fanon marauders, but it's here and it still makes enough sense that you can read it and understand what i mean. and like, at the end of the day, you can go ahead and headcanon whatever you please, you can write fic and make art and do whatever you like, just,,, remember that they're exactly that. headcanons. stop presenting fanon as canon. please. i'm literally begging. we actually have evidence against it. just,,, acknowledge that they're headcanons and stop putting them forward as though they're able to fit into canon. please.

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ravysu · 4 years ago

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Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

#sannin week 2021 #orochimaru #tsunade #jiraiya #sannin #naruto #naruto headcanons

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sour-n-salty-citrus · 3 years ago

Note

Do you have any hopes for the season finale? I saw in another ask, you described the dynamic between rick and morty this season as "very weak, distant, and downright frankly boring" and I completely agree with you! I hope that, because this is most we'll see rick and morty interacting this season, it'll have at least a few moments of what makes their dynamic so interesting to watch.

(Ok i started airing my grievances with this season, which ended up being... long, so skip this paragraph (starting at / / /) to get to my thoughts on the finale)

Oh gosh I remember that ask (I think-). And yeah, maybe I'm being a bit overly critical. I'll probably look back on this season with retrospect, and a kinder, fonder view. Ik androgynousblackbox (think thats right) made a great point about it being the season FOR rickorty shippers. And sure, I agree on some bits, like Rick acting all pissy and partying the way you would if your ex got with someone new in the planetina ep. Overall though, i think my problem lies in that I was enjoying more individual moments than episodes themselves, especially the middle three. For example- Amortycan Grickfitti. Like, I really liked the idea of the Ship getting on a crazy adventure with Summer and Morty (and Chutback). I like the idea of a Beth-Jerry-Rick adventure. But put together, it's just kinda... meh? You know? I liked the first half of the Thanksgiving special... but it kinda dragged on after that. I get that they want to give other characters (particularly female ones) more attention, which is completely understandable and i encourage it(!) but I can't help but find it underwhelming. Like, Summer in the voltron ep was like- girl how are you STILL vying for Rick's attention! He's the worst! Haven't we done this already? (I will say though I ADORE how far Beth has come, props to her for continuing to seeing through her dad's BS. I was worried the character would relapse into a more typical s1/s2 Beth, and I'm glad she didn't). Some of these plots, funnily enough, seem more fitting of the comics (they actually had a voltron parody already). Fun and entertaining for two or three-something issues, not so much a 22 minute episode. i think most of my complaints come from the dynamic between our titular characters- ok, I know I'm very biased (I mean you can see it), but I came to the show primarily for their relationship. It doesn't even feel drama-fueled, just that they kinda... can't be arsed. I'm torn because on the one hand, they're unhealthily codependent and this separation is probably a good thing, but on the other... it doesn't feel natural? I'm not sure if that's the right word- it's like, season 4 had them practically joint at the hip, but all that's suddenly flung out the window. It just kinda feels like this "i got better things to do" vibe from both of them and its strange. The only time they both got a solo adventure (I'm classifying "solo" as an adventure where they spent a significantly large portion of time together, without the other family members) was in the sperm ep and Thanksgiving ep. And, well, in the Thanksgiving ep Morty felt like a side character in his own show, and the sperm ep... um. Yeah. I don't think it's AS bad as people were saying, but I was cringing the whole time (the second hand embarrassment for Morty was so strong I had to turn off the episode multiple times and return to it. It's just like- godammit MORTY). And I think there's good reason those two seemed to be the most disliked episodes overall. They're the ones RaM spend the most time together and it's... meh. Meh? Meh. I don't mean to say the season overall is bad (it has loads of good points, and its amazing for Smith family as a whole) just that if we're talking specifically about the dynamic between these two? Yeah, I wouldn't recommend a single episode from this season so far to use as an example of their relationship.

/ / /

There's one thing this season has been pretty good at, though. And it's showing us what happens when Rick is alone.

And that brings me to the finale.

"Who is Rick without Morty?"

Well... we already know the answer to that. Pathetic. Sad. Lonely.

This season has been phenomenal in humbling Rick. (And trust me I'm happy for it- every time someone beats the crap outta this shitty old man I'm like YES!!! IT'S WHAT HE DESERVES!). Ep 1 had his "nemesis" clearly besting him, ep 2 had Beth making constant digs (love her) and overall pointing out his extreme callousness and cruelty towards even himself(ves). Ep 3- when Morty shows interest in a girl and ditches him (like seriously it's not like he's moving out, chill) he immediately goes on a bender and develops a deep attachment to the first person he can (wearing yellow, funnily enough). Ep 4, he devotes himself to becoming an "honest man" for his new child, only for it to instantly be taken away from him. Ep 5 highlights how RICK is the asshole for making fun of and taking advantage of someone well-meaning and honest, if "simple", and how literally not cool that is. Ep 6 has his crazy rivalry with the president, and they both get smacked down a couple pegs for that. Ep 7 shows what happens when he allows himself to get carried away, and that he can end up driving everyone else away in the process (lucky they still wanted to save his ass when he needed them). And episode 8? Hooooo boy. Episode. 8. We see a direct parallel in Birdperson with Morty, and the whole "Rick and [insert] 100 years!" Rick has few people he cares about, arguably only one or two that he truly devotes himself to, but when he does, boy does he go HARD. We see younger Rick, optimistic, energetic, friendly and hopeful. And we see all of that crushed in minutes. Rick is desperate for a companion, someone to see the stars with. He needs someone there, someone he can trust and rely on to stay. Someone like Morty. So without Morty, who is Rick?

No one.

And the thing is, Morty doesn't need Rick anymore. Not like Rick needs him. In season 1, Morty was this bright-eyed kid who was new to the cosmos and the multiverse, who needed his grandpa there with him as they explored all these places together. But that's not him anymore. That's not them.

The promo has Morty using the portal gun to go somewhere w/o Rick's permission (i like to think it's boob world lol). It doesn't matter to me as much where he's going, as much as he's doing it alone. He doesn't just not need Rick there, he doesn't want him.

(Also correct me if im wrong but I've missed that sweet portal gun so much. I think the last ep was like- the first time this season we saw it).

Morty's response to Rick? "Replace me!". And wow. Wow. WOW. Morty doesn't give a FUCK! I think Rick thinks that because he's so smart, that he can offer so much, that Morty will come crawling back, and I don't think he will.

Hopes for the finale! Hmm. I mean, I definitely hope "evil" Morty makes a reappearance, haha. I think we all do tbh ;). I want to see some Morty development too, this season has been very Rick-centric (not that there's anything wrong with that!) so I wanna see what's in store for Our Boy. I really hope we get to see the Citadel again, and see the state it's in, but I doubt it. We know something super big is in store, it's just a question of what? Other hopes I have is some Summer + Beth action (please let them team up Im BEGGING) and Jerry too ahaha. I'd love if some other side characters made an appearance as well. Oh- I'm definitely expecting a dramatic cliffhanger at the end of the first half leading to the second half, with the kind of angsty music that leads into the credits (pls that shit is so good (OH WAIT imagine if it was like, for the damaged coda, but like- the chopin version or smth so it could be more subtle maybe bruhhhh)). Ok haha, maybe that's asking too much, the writers made it clear in the story train ep that they weren't gonna do that big dramatic showdown (... unless 👀). Oh, I'd also love some Premium Angst too, like someone getting kidnapped/nearly dying (like ACTUALLY nearly dying). These stakes better be so damn high I could spear a man on them! OH, also I remember androgynousblackbox (is that right? I hope it is) mentioned something along the lines that they could be driving Rick and Morty apart this season in order to have them come back together stronger than ever in an explosive finale, which, I'm strongly hoping for myself.

Thanks if you made it this far! If you have any thoughts on or hopes of your own for the finale please feel free to share! :D

#ohmygod im sorry #i rambled way too long #akdjsksaksn #someone needs to take this phone away #also AGAIN im not shitting on s5 as a whole i actually quite like it #its just the RaM dynamic thats lacking #but again that could be intention so ig we'll see #RaM #rick and morty #meta #?#long post #citrus speaks #oh wait i should probably tag to be safe #rickorty mention

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deepdonutkid · 4 years ago

Text

Nonsense

A/N:

This took me way too long! I’m sorry, I was stuck on the Polly part for a while after Helen’s death.

Even though there is a part in the middle, which I’m not really satisfied with, I’m still glad, I finished that chapter. I hope you like it. It’s a little sad for a story, that will later focus on... other stuff.

Tbh... I forgot, if Martha died from a disease or something else. That’s why this part is a little vague. But he will talk more about his dead wife much later in the story.

English is not my first language and this is not beta-read, just a small part of it! Thanks to @retromafia for helping me out on this chapter! You’re so lovely!

John as mental health issues, but it’s very different to those of his brothers!

tagging: @bonniesgoldengirl @theshelbyclan @justalonelyslytherin

Masterlist Do you wanna touch

____________________

All fucking week he had thought about this date and her. John was distracted at work, at home and at the Garrison. His head was somewhere else, preferably with her, the beautiful Russian girl he had met a couple of days ago. He tried to keep this to himself even though he worried others would start to notice his weird behavior. Well, it was pretty hard to shut up about it, when he sat drunk next to his friends in the pub, but John wasn’t really ready to talk about this. It still felt so surreal like this encounter had never happened and it was all in his head. In addition to that, others- mainly his family- would gladly ruin this for him, before it had even begun, which was why he was so reluctant to talk about it.

They would ask him all sorts of stupid questions, which he couldn’t answer at all. He frowned and closed the book. Later he would meet the mysterious woman again and this was his only chance, since he didn’t know her full name or her address or another way to contact her. So he had to go there or he would go crazy thinking about what might have been. But there was a problem with that.

Of course there was a problem as nothing in his life could be easy. Not even once. However he refused to call his kids a problem. His dad called him like this more than once. And if John wasn’t a problem, his name was either accident or brat. Needless to say John was way nicer to his children than his father was to him. John loved all four of them. He really did, but… somebody had to look after them, while he wasn’t at home. So he had to ask either Polly or Ada and he didn’t know what would be worse.

His sister would spread the word of him having a girlfriend faster around than a disease. Maybe she would even spice up the story a little and add some drama just for the fun of it. Then he wasn’t out for a date, but to meet the woman he had impregnated or what else. And Polly, well she was the main reason he was scared to even mention his rendezvous. His aunt had the great talent to investigate his private life like fucking copper. Once she had sniffed something, she wouldn’t let go of it and kept bothering him.

Anyways he had to talk to one of them and the chat wouldn’t be a nice one. A choice between the foul and the evil. Ugh, he was in the mood to flip a coin. There were some on his desk. So why not? He looked around, if anybody was watching him, but he was alone in his office. Then he took a coin from the daily bets and tossed it. Once it was up in the air, he had made up his mind. The coin just proofed it. He should go to Polly and it would fit in his schedule as now was his lunch break and he would eat with the others anyway. If he would go now, he could still catch her alone in the kitchen. A grunt left his lips while he stood up from his chair. His pace was steady, but fast as he made his way through the betting shop. Luckily nobody noticed that he left his table a little too early.

He had never opened or closed a door as quietly as in this exact moment. “Polly?”, he had asked in a careful tone into the empty room. John heard movements from the kitchen. Suddenly her head peaked around the corner. “Yes, John?” She had emphasized every syllable as if he was stupid. Maybe he was just not ready to have this talk. On the other hand he had no chance. This was a now or never situation and he preferred now over never.

John gathered all his courage to approach her: “Would you do me a little favor?” All the sudden his hands were sweaty and no matter how many times he had rubbed them on his pants, it wouldn’t get any less smeary. Usually he wasn’t so nice and polite to his relatives. It was more like he had earned the title arrogant brat rightfully. He scratched his neck and gave her his best puppy eyes. And just to top it off his angelic smile, which had saved him many times before. Most of the times, he could avoid the consequences of his own actions with his charming smirk.

But today it didn’t help. Polly just shook her head. “What is it this time?”

“Just a little thing”, he began, then paused to take a deep breath and gain courage to exclaim his wish: “Can you watch the kids this evening? It’s really important.”

His aunt froze mid movement and starred at him. After a while she started blinking. Her glare was concerning. “Why this time? The last time was just a week ago. Another task from Tommy? He didn’t talked to me about this.”

John pressed his teeth again and shook his head. He looked at the roof and searched for the right words to explain his situation. Why was this so difficult? It was just a date. Yet it felt like so much more.

The Shelby sighed, while his hand was fumbling with his lighter in the pocket of his pants. “I’m meeting someone” was his short answer to a complex problem.

“Did Tommy ask you to?”, she asked once again. No matter if it was business or his private life, Polly liked to be up to date.

Again he shook his head. “No, not Tommy, but it’s still important. So would you please help me?”

Polly clucked her tongue and hurried back to the kitchen. John followed her and leaned against the door frame, waiting for his answer.

“Well, I got a meeting too, so you better change the appointment with said woman, because I don’t want to change my plans for you”, she replied, while stirring a pot. Afterwards she tapped the wooden spoon against the pot and turned around. “Lunch is ready. Better get your brothers, so we can eat.”

Apparently the conversation was over, because it really started, but John wouldn’t give up right away. “But I can’t”, he protested: “That’s the only night she is available and I don’t know how to reach her.”

Without looking at him, she walked right back into the living room and started putting dished on the table. “Ahh, see? I was right about the woman part… But why do you want to meet somebody you barely know?” Her question was reasonable.

John was so lost in his thought about her and yet he had no answer. No good ones. So he just said the next best thing: “I won a bet and I want to see her.”

Right when he said that his brother came in. Arthur widened his eyes and scratched his chin. “Want to see who?”, he asked. It was horrible how nosy his family was.

There was no peaceful day at the Shelby household. Never ever.

“He has a new girl, but he doesn’t know anything about her”, Polly retorted, before John even had the chance to answer himself.

Arthur chuckled and added: “Oh, Our John was never a man for talking. Right, John boy?”

They had to be fucking kidding him. It felt like he was sixteen again and started to meeting Martha. This was so embarrassing. John nodded slowly and gave his brother a false laugh.

“Well, we had other things to do”, John objected and it wasn’t quite the truth, but close enough. There was just no explanation why he was drawn to this woman, who was a stranger to him, but oh, those kisses really worked some crazy magic on him.

His brother burst out in laughter and slapped his hand on John’s back. “Oh, I know! I fucking know what you mean”, he exclaimed: “Why talk, when you can have fun with a woman?”

And right now, John couldn’t agree less. He wanted to talk with the mysterious woman, but she rushed off into the night before he could even say goodbye to her. Damn, he wished he knew more about her, maybe then he wouldn’t be so nervous right now. The Shelby didn’t feel like his usual cheeky, charming self, more like fucking train wreck.

His face got gleaming red, but he tried to act like was completely cool with it. And it wasn’t like he didn’t want to sleep with her. Gosh, what wouldn’t he give to spend the night with her?

“Pol, you see John’s face. He is red like a crayfish”, Arthur joked and pulled his little brother into a headlock.

Their aunt walked around them, very carefully as she was carrying the big steam pot. She sounded like she was mentally everywhere else, when she murmured: “Yes, Arthur, I see it- shameful red- but now it’s time for lunch, so release your brother and come sit.” Somehow Polly managed to phrase it exactly like their mom used to say it, even though she was only three years older than Arthur, but he’d still respect her.

So he did what she asked him to do and let John go again to take a seat at the table.

It was the perfect timing to beg Polly once again, because he didn’t want to have the same conversation with his sister. “Polly, Please”, he insisted: “I wouldn’t ask you, if it wasn’t really important to me.”

“What is so important about one woman, that you have the great urge to meet her?”

That was the question he was asking himself all week, but okay. Now he needed to come up with an answer or otherwise he would have to get comfortable with the thought he would never see her again.

He licked his lips as he assembled the words in his brain to a convincing answer. “She has…”, he began, but then he got lost again.

“Huge cans?”, Arthur purposed with a big smile on his face.

But John shook his head: “Not that, her tits are average, there is something else about her and I can’t say what yet, that’s why I need to find out…. Or I go crazy.”

He turned to Polly and put on his puppy eyes again. “Do you want me to go crazy, Polly?”

Pol pouted and sighed. “Fine, you get your will again, but that’s the last time and don’t ever bother me with this again.”

His eyes shined bright in the lights of success and more importantly… winning an argument with his aunt. “Thank you and I’ll never bother you again.”

The matriarch went her way around her reign and said to herself: “We’ll see about that.”

Now this problem found its solution, the next question popped up in his head. Where were his kids? Because he was so caught up with his date, he had forgotten to pick them up from school. It wasn’t a serious issue. Three of them could walk home on their own, but the youngest was a different thing.

In his memory of this day, he had left Katie here, but she wasn’t running around like usually. “Pol, where are the kids?”

“The kids?”, she observed: “Oh, the kids you want to get rid of? You mean… those kids? They are upstairs.”

John grunted. That was far from reality and his aunt should know that. “That’s bullshit. I don’t want to get rid of them.”

“Then act like you care for them once instead of fucking around and I might believe you”, Polly chided and gave him the mean side eye, while she filled the plates with stew.

And she acted like a real bitch lately, John wanted to add, but bid his lip to stop himself from saying something he would regret deeply. It was so annoying how she tried to make him feel guilty for having a night off. He was so sick of this. Either he was working or he was with his kids and he had little or no time for himself. Just the few hours when they were asleep and he could go to the Garrison for a beer or two.

“It’s just one date!”, he yelled, but then clenched his fists and swallowed his anger and repeated quietly: “It’s just one date.”

The room was quiet now. Nobody said or did anything for a while.

Then Polly started moving again and explained: “You should focus on getting a wife and not play around with some floosy girl… but you’re an adult now, John, so do whatever you want… just don’t drag me into your mess.”

John nodded and went upstairs to get his kids. Yes, he was still bitter about the things Polly said to him, but he wouldn’t let this ruin his day. After all he had plans. Maybe he gripped the banister a little too tight, well, at least he didn’t bellowed at his children, when he found them making a mess in his old room.

All four were sitting here and around them were all the toys they had. Most of them were his old toys or some from his brothers.

“Lunch is ready”, he grunted and waited for them to get up, so they would follow him. They just stared at him with wide eyes.

His oldest daughter was the first to talk: “We heard you yell at Aunt Polly…”

He didn’t answer instead he just moaned and leaned against the wall.

“You’re away tonight”, she added and tilted her head. There was curiosity in her eyes. It didn’t bother him, but something else did. She had the same eyes as her mother. Like a dagger it pierced his heart, whenever she gave him this look. Martha used to do this as well.

Slowly he nodded. He couldn’t lie to his kids at all. “Yes, but you’ll be staying here and Polly will bring you home, when it’s bed time.”

Breanna thought about this for a second and then like this whole conversation had never happened, she stood up and helped her little sister to get on her feet as well. “Well, it’s time for lunch now”, she declared and look at her twin brother: “C’mon, James, we still got homework to do.”

Now that she was standing, John could see how small she was actually. Sometimes he forgot, she was still a child, but the way she acted was different. His oldest daughter had picked up a lot from Polly and her mother, while he was in France. However he tried to not treat her like an adult. She wasn’t and her childhood shouldn’t be ripped from her. Breanna didn’t need to protect her siblings from anything and yet she still thought it was her job.

James on the other hand was quite the opposite. Loud, angry, such a brat, he picked up fight, whenever he could, much like his father at that age.

Luckily his older brother Colin was also a voice of reason and not as chaotic as James. Colin was the oldest and he didn’t actually talk much, but on somedays and with certain persons he wouldn’t shut up. Most of the time Colin did good in school, read a lot, unlike his uncle Finn who was just five years older than him. And more importantly… Colin did everything his father asked him to.

And then here was Katie, the youngest. Just three years old and a sweet girl, but she was of fragile condition. She was born prematurely and was also the reason why Martha died. John tried to ignore the fact, because even though she was the reason, it wasn’t her fault. How could she? She didn’t pick her time to be born. However from time to time, Katie managed to make him cry. After the war, he rarely shed tears, but every time she was sick and he had to go with her to the hospital, he lost his nerves. She was still his little baby and the thought of losing her too wrecked him.

They were all on their way downstairs and John followed them back. He held Katie’s hands while walking down the stairs.

The lunch was very silent. There was still tension left in the room, but John didn’t cared. Katie was sitting on his lap and they both ate from the same plate, like they always did. But it wasn’t a cute ritual, more like a space problem, with all the family members around the table, it was a little cramped. Too cramped for Katie to have her own stool. Another reason, why he needed a wife. So he and his family could eat in his kitchen and they would all have enough space again.

A part of John was worried Polly or Arthur mentioned his date to Tommy, who would gladly take the opportunity to ruin his day. His older brother would pick all the question, John had been asking all week and then make him look stupid in front of the whole family. But apparently Polly was too pissed about the fight to say anything that day and John thanked god for this.

Somehow Katie spilled the stew all over his pants, but he had no time to go back home and change his pants. He still needed to finish the books and after that, he could get dressed for his date.

So John sat in his office in a damp suit and tried to fix what he did wrong before lunch.

Maybe the luck was on his side today after all, because he managed to get everything done early. Somethings didn’t went as smooth as he had wished for, but at least it worked out so well, that he could go to the date and it was still a win for him.

As fast as possible without running he walked home and sprinted up the stairs to the master bedroom. Now he could change his cloths and he was indeed very happy about it. The stew had dried on his leg, which made his skin itchy. Basically he ripped his clothes off the second he arrived in his room.

“Fuck.” A curse left his lips, because he got stuck in his pants and almost hit the floor. Last second he got his balance back and then threw his pants in the opposite direction. He could care about this later.

First he had to clean the stains from his body. So he rushed to the kitchen, just in his underwear and rubbed his leg with a wet cloth. This had to be enough. With the time he had left, he couldn’t take a bath.

Back in his room again, he stood in front of the cabinet and picked the first suit he had in his hand. There was no discussion about this. Suits were suits and he had plenty of them, all of them looked good on him and she wouldn’t even mind, would she?

While he button up his shirt, he stopped all the sudden. What if she would mind? Slowly he walked backwards to the cabinet. Should he wear his Sunday suit? Thought and thoughts came rushing in. She seemed like a fine lady, but yet she agreed to meet with him. Maybe she wouldn’t, if it wasn’t for the bet.

He got headache since his argument with Polly and it got worse. Maybe he would go to the spot, where they should meet and she wasn’t there. The possibility, that she tricked him, hadn’t occurred in his mind until now.

Honestly, John felt so stupid, when he realized how weird the coincidence was. What were his chances to be so lucky? To meet a beautiful, wealthy and unmarried woman, who was also funny and charming and mysterious and he could find a ton more of adjectives to describe her? And then win the round and the bet, he had made with her? What were his chances for that? So either he was one of the luckiest men in this world or a goddamn idiot.

Or maybe… his mind tricked him. He was pretty drunk after all and in his twisted mind the details of this scene got lost. Maybe he didn’t win the round, but because he wished so bad for it, he had changed his memory of that said night. Maybe he was so lonely he made up this perfect woman, because he couldn’t bare his poor existence anymore.

And did he think about his stupid suit so much?

Yes, he was nervous, but this was no explanation for this nonsense.

Right now, John was freaking out about a woman he barely knew. It reminded him of a time, where he did the same thing… but with Martha, a girl he had known all his life. Back then and today he was well aware of why he was so nervous around his first wife. He loved her and he was afraid of saying or doing something very stupid.

But he didn’t loved that Russian woman. He couldn’t, not after only one kiss. It was impossible and yet the kiss felt so real. The memory of her lips was burned into his mind and it drove him crazy.

And he didn’t know, why he had this feeling, which wasn’t love and he didn’t even know what it was, and suddenly he had more questions in his head than he ever had in his whole life.

Usually, he didn’t think that much about anything. He wasn’t the guy who put much thought into every little thing that happened around him.

Everything he wanted to do now was to yell. He couldn’t even put his frustration into words anymore. His head was full of white noise.

Barefooted he stood on the wooden floor of his bedroom, which he used to share with the love of his life. John took a few deep breaths and looked around. Everything was still the same. After the war he had no energy to change something in here, even though it was just fueling his mental health issues. There was still her cabinet with her dresses and her stuff and sometimes when he was particularly lonely, he felt the fabric and imagined her soft body under it. It didn’t smell like Martha anymore, but sometimes he wished.

It felt like suffocating. He couldn’t breathe nor cry, even though tears filled his eyes.

He walked over to his nightstand and looked at the photograph of her. “You don’t get to fucking judge me”, he whispered: “Like you always did. You died and I’m still here and I love you and I always will, but don’t ruin this for me.”

“You put all these questions in my head, so I’ll fuck up and ruin everything”, he argued… with his dead wife like she was there. And he could imagine her so well, standing next to him with her arms crossed in front of her chest and that piercing look in her eyes.

Even before she died, he talked a lot to her and about her and sometimes just to himself, but it just got worse, when he came home from France. He can’t handle the silence in the room nor the void his head. Suddenly he said with a soft voice: “I know, what I promised you back then and when I made that promise, I believed every word of it, but you can’t be the only woman I’ll ever love now. You are dead.”

He wasn’t there when she died and the worst part was… he hadn’t even known until he got home. Polly said, she was about to write a letter, but then she couldn’t, because she didn’t want to bother him, while he was in the trenches. Of course, he had worries, when he didn’t get a letter from his wife in months. John just thought she was mad at him, because she was pregnant again while he was away. And then he came home and his house was empty. No Martha and no kids. So he walked back to Polly’s Place and then she told him. His wife was dead and he was surrounded by his family, but he had never felt so lonely in the world.

To this very day, this memory haunted him in the worst way.

And yet, he refused to crumble right away. Not before it had even started. Life was going on and he refused to just stand there, while the time passed. He would walk, run away from this memory if he had to.

“Let me try it at least”, he bargained: “You don’t know her and neither do I. She could be a beast, a real bitch and maybe, just maybe I don’t want to see her again. And maybe I’ll do, but that’s not your decision. I make my own decisions now, because that’s how things work for the living people, Martha.”

It hurt to say her name, but he had to. The word had so much power over him and he took this power back, by saying it. Then he flipped the photograph over and walked back to the cabinet.

Without a second doubt he picked his finest suit and just like that Martha was gone. She would come back eventually, but right now he had other things to do. Like do his hair and drink a little sip of whiskey for confidence.

With a toothpick in his mouth, he left the house and walked the road. All alone.

#john shelby #peaky #peaky blinders #peaky fucking blinders #peaky fookin blinders #peaky fooking #peaky fanfic #peaky blinders fandom #peaky blinders fic #peaky blinders fiction #peaky blinders john #john shelby x oc #john shelby x #johnboy #dead wife

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yamayuandadu · 4 years ago

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For the character breakdown, I’d love to see hadad, anat, shapash, yam, mot, athtar, kothkar and khasis... really any of the ugaritic pantheon, of course you don’t have to do all of them >.<, I’d just love to see your hot takes

I shall rise up to the challenge! I’m the only person on this site obsessed with Ugarit as far as I can tell... I covered everyone you asked for plus Ashtart and Yarikh. As much as I like burrowing through jstor and academia edu and persee and so on, I kind of wish there were more people approaching Ugaritic, Mesopotamian, Hittite etc. myths the way many do with Greek ones tbh - sometimes i’d just like to see which figures people think would be into gossiping and so on or which tacky modern fashion they think suits them equally as much as I want to find out if Yarikh’s portrayal in Ugaritic poetry owes more to Nanna/Sin or to the Hittite moon god. ALSO as far as this sort of light hearted takes go, there are two japanese artists on twitter who draw Baal cycle fanart: here and here.

Hadad: How I feel about this character: one of my fave mythical protagonist. I think I genuinely only like Inanna more. Going from a very relatable desire to get his own house to triumph over death is quite the journey. The relative powerlessness many interpreters point out is interesting, too - the fact he mostly gets somewhere because of allies and because even if El was the king of gods, Hadad’s attributes made him the king of people’s hearts arguably, so he has to win against overwheming odds. All the people I ship romantically with this character: Anat, Ashtart/Astarte/however we transcribe her name this week... Kothar? My non-romantic OTP for this character: given the Seth-Baal equation in Egypt and the uncertaininty over whether Astarte papyrus is about Seth or Baal under Seth’s name it’s funny to imagine them as friends. Also I’ll talk about it more underneath but since Dagan was a god with similar purposes further inland (and is attested earlier iirc) and Ugaritic texts - even though they rarely feature him - call him Hadad’s father - it would be cute to assume he also taught Hadad everything. My unpopular opinion about this character: I’m a Dagan parentage truther against all odds. It was the norm outside Ugarit! I think “Dagan isn’t in Ugaritic myths because they take place in Ugarit but people thought Dagan lives further inland in Tuttul based on prayers etc.” is enough to explain his absence from myths, and also note that in the epic Baal is “Dagan’s son” even when he’s at a low point (ex. when Yam demands he gives up his freedom or when he’s dead) and only El’s and Asherah’s son when he’s victorious for the most part (ex. during palace construction) - imo this makes it plausible that Dagan is his real dad and El and Athirat are only his parents in the way vassal rulers called emperors fathers. Likewise I think any references to siblings can be interpreted in the light of ex. kings of Ugarit calling kings of Carchemish or Alashiya brothers. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I really like how corny the Hittite/Hurrian storm god cycle is with Kumarbi constaly raising new challengers to attack Kummiya and dethrone Teshub/Tarhunna, I actually wish the Ugaritic one was longer too via a similar plot device. Also I wish Dagan actually appeared in myths alongside his son - Noga Ayali-Darshan had a theory he was in some oral tradition predating Baal cycle as the god announcing Yam demands a tribute since in Hurrian “Song of the sea” and in Egyptian “Astarte papyrus” a grain deity does this but a possible reconstruction isn’t much... Anat How I feel about this character: well, she’s not Inanna, but she’s still pretty good. I mostly like the parts of the Baal narrative which show her unpredictable character, like her probable parents being afraid of her, listing various never shown enemies she vanquished, or Mot’s death. Aqhat myth doesn’t interest me much. That myth fragment where she and Ashtart pity Yarikh because other gods treat him poorly is interesting, too. All the people I ship romantically with this character: Baal, Ashtart, that’s it I think. My non-romantic OTP for this character: she seems to get along really well with Shapash during the segment of the Baal cycle where Baal is dead. My unpopular opinion about this character: I really hate the speculation popular among bible scholars which amounts to making her, Ashtart and Athirat interchangeable to justify her irrelevance in the iron age. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: honestly? I wish an “Anat cycle” existed. She pretty clearly had a fair share of own adventures considering Baal enlists her help on the account of past accomplishments. Yam How I feel about this character: out of all antagonists in the basic middle eastern “storm god vs sea” narratives I think he has the most fun personality - Hedammu is barely a “character” and Tiamat lacks the more human dimension Yam has. All the people I ship romantically with this character: nobody, he has to move past the Astarte papyrus characterization and learn some respect for that smh My non-romantic OTP for this character: his nameless rude messenger who refused to bow down when speaking to the assembly of the gods My unpopular opinion about this character: contary to what this (very good) paper says, the Yam battle is more thrilling than the Mot one - the strength of the Mot part of the narrative comes from the visceral descriptions of Anat’s emotions but Mot is a flat villain compared to Yam. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: he had a seemingly positive role in cult and there are 13 known people with Yam theophoric names (out of 6000 or so people from Ugarit known by name) so I sort of wonder if there’s some lost myth where he’s the hero or something. Mot How I feel about this character: if nothing else, feeling offended by being offered bread and wine instead of corpses is pretty funny and a great introduction. And the pathetic attempt at a comeback shut down by Shapash is All the people I ship romantically with this character: unshippable by design tbh. My non-romantic OTP for this character: if the theory about Horon - the god from the “anti-snakebite text” and the “may horon crack your skull” curse - being a cthtonic god too - just a generally benign one - is true I think they could have a lot of comedic potential. My unpopular opinion about this character: I don’t understand where the idea of a nonexistent myth about Mot kidnapping Shapash and Yarikh comes from and I wish it wasn’t all over the place online. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: some more detailed description of the afterlife - Mot, rephaim, Horon if he really lives there - would be useful... Shapash How I feel about this character: she seems severly... underrated? There are maybe two papers about her (and one underlines the fact there isn’t much research on her) and yet she’s the second most prominent goddess in the Baal cycle AND has her own narrative in the anti-snakebite texts! She might actually be more remarkable than her Mesopotamian counterpart - with all due respect for Utu/Shamash, in myths he’s the boring sibling between himself and Inanna/Ishtar... All the people I ship romantically with this character: I don’t have any real ideas, some papers assume she and Horon were a thing but this is disputable and Horon is pretty nebulous himself... My non-romantic OTP for this character: “Kothar - your close friend!” from that one hymn has that covered. Since she’s basically a divine herald perhaps they travel together? My unpopular opinion about this character: I suspect the reason why she isn’t studied more is because many researchers are stuck with some sort of false “good mother goddess - evil sex goddess” dichotomy of ancient middle eastern religion and while you can force Athirat, Anat and Ashtart into these roles, Shapash with her aura of a divine equivalent of a mundane earthly official doesn’t fit into it and as such is ignored. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I said I hate the false Mot myth spreading online but I actually do wish there was a myth or at least a cult text of some sort showing what sort of relation existed between her and Yarikh - safe to say it didn’t mirror Shamash and Sin... Kothar-wa-Khasis How I feel about this character: huge fan of artisan gods and he seems genuinely nice. One of my Ugaritic b-list favorites. I like that he’s a reneissance man - armorer, architect, even a musician... The theory that he was developed based on Ptah since Memphis had a large foreign population is great. All the people I ship romantically with this character: Baal sort of? I imagine Baal is actually relatively knowledgeable about architecture given the length of the window debate in the Baal cycle... My non-romantic OTP for this character: Shapash, as I said earlier. My unpopular opinion about this character: based on the tale of King Keret some researchers argue he’s meant to be ugly like Greek Haephestus, but since I like the Ptah theory and his appearance isn’t described elsewhere AND King Keret might be satire where everyone is their worst self possible, I prefer to imagine him as handsome One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: supposedly from Caphtor and yet we never see Caphtor (Crete) in Ugaritic myths... come on, ancient scribes, surely someone went there? Maybe even recorded some proper Minoan myths? Ashtart How I feel about this character: she’s my favorite Ugaritic figure of limited relevance. An Ishtar/Inanna equivalent who seemingly curses other gods and presides over political pacts is a pretty solid premise! And it’s funny she rebukes Baal seemingly for insufficient dedication in battle. I wonder if the Egyptian fragment which implies Yam acted lecherous towards her is a factor in this tbh. Perhaps an earlier oral tradition had both these elements...? All the people I ship romantically with this character: Baal (her title is “face of baal”/”of the name of baal”, c’mon...), Anat (almost always listed together!) My non-romantic OTP for this character: Keret curses his son with a formula invoking both Horon and her so perhaps that’s who she’s learning curses from. My unpopular opinion about this character: I hate that “Astarte is Asherah” is widespread just because people want to defend the historicity of the biblical Jezebel narrative which probably even the biblical compilersdidn’t view as historical. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish she didn’t vanish from the Baal cycle after Yam’s defeat :C Attar How I feel about this character: this sure is... a guy. He’s so pathetic in the Baal cycle it’s hard to even see him as an antagonist - sorry, Handbook of Ugaritic Studies... All the people I ship romantically with this character: nobody, Shapash points out he’s single as the reason why he can’t rule and i don’t think that changes in any subsequent texts? But then Marriage of Nikkal and Yarikh iirc mentions he has a daughter... My non-romantic OTP for this character: again, nobody. My unpopular opinion about this character: he’s actually a pretty vital part of the Baal cycle and the fact he gives up on own accord makes him more interesting than the other “failed god” in a similar narrative, Ashtabi. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: a god with the same name was prominent in present day Yemen so I guess finding some direct connection would be nice - it fits with him leaving to “rule elsewhere” in the myth! Yarikh How I feel about this character: he’s so pitiful in the fragment which compares him to a dog begging for scraps... His main myth is pretty good too, tbh it’s the best middle eastern marriage myth imo - I actually don’t care for Dumuzi much, but Yarikh is cool. All the people I ship romantically with this character: only Nikkal-wa-Ib My non-romantic OTP for this character: given his mistreatment and Nikkal’s father(?) saying he could be a son in law of Baal I assume that in some unknown texts they must have been allies. Note that the Hittite storm god has the sun and moon gods acting as his metaphorical eyes warning him against Kumarbi’s new plots in song of Ullikummi. Also I assume Anat and Ashtart must consider him a friend given how they help him when nobody else does? All around he feels like a god in Baal’s orbit even though we have 0 direct proof for it. My unpopular opinion about this character: I think trying to correct him to Nanna is a doomed endeavor tbh. Their wives have similar names but Yarikh doesn’t give the impression of a “Father of gods” type deity in what little we know about him. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: more myths. None we know show him as the moon even though it’s literally his name! I am afraid I don’t have anything interesting to say about El and Athirat. Handbook of Ugaritic Studies has an amazing El summary that I generally stick to, I can post a cap if you are interested.

#Anonymous

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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1029

[found at: zelthie]

What were you doing before you got on the computer? I took a long-ass shower after the humid nightmare that was today.

Is there anything you really want right now? I wish I had some pastry to go with my iced coffee. I miss my studying sessions at coffee shops :( and it’s not like I’ll get to have them again once Covid is over, because I’m not even in school anymore. Sigh. Also, a longer weekend. I can hardly believe it’s Sunday again tomorrow, and that after that will be Monday again. I love my work, but I also want to reeeeeeeeest.

What's the best gift you've ever gotten? Probably the front-row concert tickets my dad got me for Paramore. Outside of my parents, I really appreciated the scrapbook Gabie made for me three years ago. It turned out to be the first and only handmade gift she’d ever make for me, so I think of it fondly.

What's a song you think the world needs to listen to? Idk, people have different tastes and so it may not be possible to name a song that would successfully appeal to everybody.

Has there ever been a person you regret ever being friends with? As much as I like to firmly believe that regretting friendships should be avoided as much as possible because those people made me happy at one point, I’ve got nothing nice to say about Marielle.

Do you think you have a good understanding on love? I don’t know anything anymore.

You just discovered a new color! What would you name it? No thanks, please don’t ask me to be creative any time of the day.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookies and cream, and recently, chocolate chip cookie dough.

What do you want to do on your honeymoon? I have not had one but should I do, I’d love to go somewhere non-beachy for a change.

What's one thing you remember learning in school? Spelling difficult words. English (the language, not literature) was my favorite subject in middle school and I always liked the pop spelling quizzes we had. There are some words I could still remember getting wrong, like ‘rendezvous’ and ‘coup d’etat’ but I was always excited about learning their correct spellings so that I could start using them on my own time as well.

Are you more of a cat or dog person? Dog for sure.

How do you want to be remembered by people? [trigger warning] Idk. Whenever I think about...leaving, I always also think about leaving some kind of note instructing whoever’s in charge of stuff to keep things hushed, because I don’t want the whole thing to be a big deal and for it to spread. I don’t really want to be remembered for anything.

Do you like road trips? Yaaaaaaaaas. As long as I’ve got the right playlist that’s also long enough as well as several seasons of Friends, I’d be good to go.

Do you think Medical Marijuana should be legalized? I haven’t read much about it and that topic in general is still widely taboo over here, but I personally have nothing against it.

If you were forced to dye your hair another color, what color would you get? Brown.

Excited for anything? My first paycheck :D :D

What do you think of your parent(s)? They’re doing their best.

Are your grandparents dead? Just one.

What celebrity do you think should have never become famous? Amber Heard and the Paul brothers.

What's your favorite thing to do online? Watch stuff on YouTube. These days I’ve been revisiting wrestling again so I’ve been watching loads of matches and promos I enjoyed throughout my teenage years. I’m scared to dip my toes into today’s content though, because I barely know anyone anymore and there would be a lot of storylines I’d have to get acquainted with; but idk, I might get there someday.

Are you glad George W. Bush is out of office? I didn’t know his presidency all that well because I was way too young when he was still in office. Apparently he’s not very popular.

If you could appear on any TV show, what show would you choose? I’ve always wanted to try out The Amazing Race. I was definitely hooked to that show as a kid.

What does your full name look like without the letters t,a,i,o,e,l,n or s? Rby.

Your mood summed up into one word? Emotionless. I’m literally not feeling anything at the moment, but this is still a lot better than being miserable so I’ll take it.

How often do you talk to other people about the weather? Only when we’re experience extremes, like if it’s painfully, annoyingly hot out or if there’s a bad typhoon. Otherwise I try to find something else to talk about.

Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey right now? Nope, my full attention is on here.

What's a name you wouldn't mind having? At this point, I’ve learned to be okay with my name and don’t feel the need to whine about it anymore.

What's your favorite thing to wear that you own? My mom jeans or denim jacket.

What do you think of Barbie dolls? Boring, mostly. I grew up with boys, so we had more toys marketed for boys and those are what I ended up liking more.

When you were little, did you ever want to go to Disneyland? Not really.

Do you currently have a job? What kind of job do you *want* to have? I do. I’m already in the job/career I had wanted and aimed to be in.

What do you like to do on your free time? Being on YouTube, playing with my dogs, surveys, eating.

What's your relationship with your parents like? With my mom, it’s permanently strained after years of verbal and emotional abuse, but at some point I just learned to live with the trauma – it’s like, we get along these days and we barely get into screaming matches anymore, but at the back of my head I’m still constantly reeling from the hurt she had put me through when I was younger.

My dad and I act like each other’s buddies, but we silently look out for one another. For example he’ll sometimes make a plate of corndogs just for me while I’m at work, and that’s his way of saying “Are you ok? Here, have this. I’m worried about you” without ever having to say it to my face.

Do you own any pets? Yes, I’ve got two dogs.

How many places have you traveled to? Six countries and all over my own country, except Mindanao.

Do you own a cell phone? If so, what kind? iPhone 8.

What are your goals for the future? For things to fall into place, whatever that would bring me.

What's your favorite kind of drink? Just plain old cold water, or coffee.

Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze? What about the Harry Potter craze? I was (and am, heheh) into Twilight; I wasn’t into Harry Potter.

Where is your mind at: The Past, the Present, the Future, or all around? My mind tends to make space for all three of these.

What's a really good movie you've seen recently? I haven’t seen any films recently but I am planning to watch Ammonite, which I have high hopes and expectations for.

Are you happy where you are right now? Career-wise, yes. As for everything else...could be a little better.

What's the first thing you thought in your head when you woke up today? AHHHHHHH SATURDAY.

If your best friend confessed that they can see the future, you would...? Ask how they were able to get such an ability.

Write a random quote that comes to your head: I’ve been watching Friends all day so the first set of quotes I thought of upon reading this question was, “I just don’t want to face three failed marriages.” “At what point did you think this was a successful marriage?” hahahahaha.

What's your opinion on milk chocolate? Like it, but sometimes can be too sweet.

What about Dark Chocolate? I don’t like dark chocolate bars themselves – too bitter; but I don’t mind it being incorporated in other sweets, like cookies that have dark chocolate bits.

You do know that white chocolate isn't even really chocolate, right? Yes. But it’s my favorite kind.

Do you get annoyed when surveys mention a band you've never heard of? If they mention it excessively or if they name too many unfamiliar bands, then I’m likely to get annoyed, yeah. But I skim through potential surveys anyway, so if I observe that a survey has too many music references I can’t relate to then I just don’t take it.

What's your opinion about Katy Perry's song "I kissed a girl"? Cool song and ahead of its time tbh, but she has so many other better singles.

What's your least favorite pizza topping? Pepperoni, beef, and pineapples.

What would you do if you discovered the US was now drafting for the war? Don’t care.

Are you even living in America, or are you from another country? Bingo for the latter.

What's your favorite social website? Twitter.

Do you believe in heaven? If so, what's it like? If not, why? No. I associate heaven with gods or higher beings, so believing in it would just kill the point of being atheist. I do like to find comfort in some sort of afterlife where I’m not in pain and am reunited with all my loved ones, though. I don’t necessarily believe in it, but it’s just comforting to think about and makes death a lot less scary.

What's your favorite video game? Super Smash Bros. Brawl would probably be my all time favorite. I do plan to get Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for the Switch, so that might get dethroned soon.

In your opinion, is Bzoink the best place to find fun surveys? Yes.

What's your opinion of high school? It only got fun once I found the right friends. Without them, I’m sure my experience would have been miserable.

Do you prefer the country or city? City.

Texting: Is it fun, evil, boring, or none of the above? It can be all of these things depending on the context of the conversation.

What email service do you use for your main (or only) email account? I’m mainly on Gmail. I have an Outlook account that’s still active, but I’ve been listing it less and less for social media sites.

What's your favorite dumb pick-up line? I don’t do pick-up lines, really. I find the entire concept pretty lame.

What are your plans for the next 48 hours? I got hooked to Friends again, so I’ll probably continue watching for the whole of tomorrow. For Monday, I’ll be at work again.

Did you ever read "Captain Underpants" when you were little? Yes. I lovedddd those books, but I always had to read them in secret (my cousin owned the books and I just asked to borrow) because my mom disapproved of them. My favorites were the Flip-O-Rama sections.

What's better: The old Cartoon Network, or the new one? Or do you not care? I’m not aware of the new version, so that leaves me with one choice. Generally, though, Cartoon Network was my least favorite channel out of the big 3 of kids’ channels.

Disney Channel shows are all pretty cheesy, aren't they? The ones they air today are, but maybe I’m just saying that because I’m already outside of their target demographic.

What's your opinion on the Jonas Brothers? I can’t think of a reason to dislike them. They’ve always been likeable, whether as individuals or as a band.

What are some of your favorite singers/bands? Beyoncé, Paramore, Hozier, alt-J, Coldplay, Against Me!, The Japanese House are the main favorites I like mentioning.

Why do the lead singers in bands always get the most recognition?! Probably because they’re the ones mainly heard. I always recognize all the members in my favorite bands, though.

Did you ever believe in the Tooth Fairy? I did, but when I didn’t receive any money after placing my tooth under my pillow, my hopes and belief got shattered pretty quickly.

What's your favorite type of weather? Cold, cloudy, and rainy.

What's your opinion on reading books? I think it’s great when people are able to find the time to read books, and lots of them. I wish I didn’t grow out of it.

You're given a chance to act in a Hollywood Blockbuster! Would you accept? Nope.

What it if it was a movie directed by Tim Burton?(He directed Sweeney Todd) He ranks pretty low for me. He’s a great director and I respect his craft, but his filmography is not a personal favorite of mine.

How do you feel about Taco Bell? I wish I can have it more often, but we only have two branches in the Philippines and they are both far away.

Are you hungry right now? I can honestly go for a snack right now :/ Like chicken tenders or pad thai. I’m super tempted to order from Grab since I have more than enough cash on me, but I don’t want to be irresponsible with my money so very early on lol

How often do you go on to Youtube? Everyday, and most of everyday.

It's possible to be addicted to anything... What are you addicted to? Curry.

What's your opinion of Wallgreens? Unfamiliar.

Back when Spongebob Squarepants was famous, were you interested in it? Yes, it was my favorite cartoon.

What's your dream pet? Dogs.

You see a mermaid while relaxing on the beach with friends. What now? Think that it’s probably a social experiment and let them be.

Who's been your favorite teacher growing up, and why? My music teacher always gave amazing life advice alongside her lessons, and she was so graceful and so classy and she simply invited respect everywhere she went. I’ve always wanted to be like her.

When you were little, did you ever like Pokemon? Yes. I watched the anime and collected Pokemon pogs and cards. My cousin had a lot of the video games and I’d watch him play those, while my sister had a couple of Pokemon books that explained each Pokemon.

How often do you get headaches? These days, everyday. Hahaha work is super hectic.

Do you have any songs stuck in your head right now? If so, what? Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House.

#survey #surveys

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theworldbrewery · 5 years ago

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A playlist for my current party: 4 idiots + their honorary cult grandma, four with new names and one with someone else’s--god I love them. they requested a playlist breakdown so i’ve placed it under a cut for brevity. I’m always soft for making fan content for the campaigns I’m in tbh.

Alice: an elf-turned half-orc after a reincarnate spell went awry, her wild magic caused her marriage to fall apart when she accidentally burned down her home. She’s looking for control over the magic that is ruining her life.

Remmy: a man of many names, Remmy is an aasimar cleric with more secrets than even the other party members are aware of. He’s untrusting and full of fear, but the party gets him to open up--against his better judgment.

Gadao: an earth genasi from an isolated monastery, he’s looking for an identity of his own after realizing he may not be an incarnation of an ancestral spirit after all. Looking for his place in the world, the party’s fast-paced life contrasts with his steady nature.

Leap: an elderly tiefling ranger, she grew up in a cult of pain and left it only by good fortune. Her taste for adventure--and a need for closure--keep her on the road, though she looks forward to seeing her family again.

Blue: an aarakocra bard, Blue awoke with no memory and promptly joined a shady merchant vessel as a good-luck musician. They’re always down to fight, curious, and ready to hoard as many items as they can get their hands on.

Anger | Sleeping at Last

I love the way this song opens, the energy it has. Favorite lyrics are “it all spills out/reckless but honest words leave my mouth,” which maybe speaks to my love of intra-party conflict… but I also have a soft spot for “and suddenly I’m someone that prays/last-minute man of faith” given the campaign’s attention to the divine. I’ve really loved leaning into that. It feels like this song has threads that connect to every character.

Hellfire | Barns Courtney

God, I love the chorus to this song. I feel that in this party, Leap and Remmy have the strongest links in these lyrics, between Leap’s simmering fury at her cult and Remmy’s...everything. There’s a period of the song that isn’t quite an instrumental, but has sort of mangled lyrics/rap, and though I can’t quite make it out, one bit sounds like “roll the dice” -- a fun nod to D&D as a whole and the risk-takers among the party.

Blood I Bled | The Staves

My favorite lyric here is “raise your banners and ride to war/throwing ‘round your name.” This song feels like a challenge to the world, suitable for a group of adventurers just forming a party. The singers and songwriters mention the song as one of “no, I won’t take this bullshit,” and that strong message really speaks to the PCs.

Hustler | Zayde Wølf

Hustler is all about coming out on top, and y’all are “turning up the heat” all the time. “Looking at the city like I already own it” feels like a foreshadowing moment to me; one day, when you all are level 10, 15, 20, you might reach an unmatchable power, if you live long enough to see it.

Homemade Dynamite | Lorde

I chose this song for the absolute clusterfuck D&D parties can be. “Don’t know you super well/but I think that you might be the same as me/Behave abnormally” encapsulates something really funny about party members getting to know each other and start to trust each other, even when the rule might still be “I’ll give you my best side, tell you all my best lies,” and your secrets and private problems haven’t yet come to light.

Nervous | X Ambassadors

The chorus of foreboding in “cause what comes up must come down” is, how do I put this? Iconique. I think this song especially fits Leap and Alice, both of whom are aware of how quickly things can go awry but put a cheerful face on their own worries. Even when nothing’s wrong (“and I can’t complain, it’s amazing”) they know things could go south quickly.

An Act of Kindness | Bastille

This song best fits Leap and Gadao’s relationship, especially when they met. “Oh I got a feeling this will shake me down/Oh I’m kind of hoping this will turn me round” seems to speak directly to Gadao pulling Leap away from the cult and giving her the opportunity to be better than she was. On another level, the party’s bonds are born from acts of kindness and friendship--Remmy buying lorebooks for Alice, Leap making tea, Gadao stepping in to defend the party from the mimic.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World | Lorde

Despite the name, this has something for everyone, I think. “Turn your back on Mother Nature” suits Alice’s vendetta against the Forest Father, “Help me make the most of freedom/and of pleasure” fits Blue’s brand of hedonism, “It’s my own remorse” echoes Leap’s regrets. Gadao alone doesn’t quite fit in here...unless… >:)

Kicks | Barns Courtney

This is a Blue song! “I’ll show you how to live for free” the artist sings, and Blue’s freewheeling lifestyle seeking “kicks” matches this energy really well. If Blue is “a wild one” “singing in the midnight street,” they’re getting their kicks with this party for sure. Blue lives without being tied down, theoretically limitless.

Hail to the Victor | Thirty Seconds to Mars

This song is about Leap, no question. “Another life, another love/another kill, another drug” fits into Leap’s two lives, one in the cult and one out of it. And in this new mission against Babylon Lionel, she’s seeking a revenge of her own, though it’s one against her childhood more than her actual enemy.

I’m a Wanted Man | Royal Deluxe

Remmy “would kill again to keep from doing time,” without a doubt, so this one’s for him. Constantly warning he’s trouble for his friends, saying that “you should never ever trust my kind” isn’t too far off. Like Remmy, this song is edgy, but with a hesitant moment of emo-ness that makes the performance of darkness something a little more genuine.

Big God | Florence and the Machine

Alice is not a faithful woman, but she’s unfortunately entangled in some religious nonsense she hates. At the same time, I feel lyrics like “you’ll always be my favorite ghost” refer best to Alice’s fraught relationship with her wife. My favorite line here is “Sometimes I think it’s getting better/and then it gets much worse,” which is essentially Alice’s experience of her wild magic. Deep down, she might even be drawn to the magic’s chaos, but she can’t help but resent what it’s taking away from her.

Wisdom, Justice, and Love | Linkin Park

This one’s for Gadao. It starts off so peaceful and hopeful, the instrumentals overlaid with a speech by Martin Luther King, Jr. But as he starts to list the evils of the world, King’s voice, so steady and confident, is warped. Gadao’s own faith experience becomes warped by the power games of the people around him, and even as he’s seeking “wisdom, justice, and love,” he can’t escape the effects of materialism and violence around him.

Icarus | Bastille

Some folks live steady lives, but not these people. Adventurer’s lives tend to burn bright, hot, and short. From Leap’s perspective, most of the party is made of kids who don’t know the world yet. Are they “digging their own grave,” “too close to the sun?” Despite their ride-or-die commitments, Leap can see all of you risking yourselves--and for what? Who do you want to be, at the end of it all? A wife and mason? A sage and monk? Or do you want greater things than that?

Losing My Religion | Dia Frampton

I can hear so much of Remmy’s opinions in this song, saying “I’m choosing my confessions, trying to keep an eye on you” but realizing, over and over again: “Oh no, I’ve said too much.” As he tries to keep up his own facades, Gadao and Leap’s own faith collides with the beliefs of a cult leader and Alice struggles with a religion she doesn’t care for at all.

Start a War | Klergy and Valerie Broussard

Like Hail to the Victor, this song is all about Leap’s conflict with the cult of Loviatar and the Mother of Martyrs. Even though the Loviatar cult might be gone, the spirit lives on. My favorite line for Leap here is “bang, shots fired/pain is what you desire,” for the decision to challenge Babs to a one-on-one fight. But is it Babs who is starting this war, or Leap?

Friction | Imagine Dragons

This one kind of gives me Gadao vibes with the lyrics “when you’ve made it/won’t you tell me what to do?” After all that pressure to fulfill the expectations of other people, he has to get out of the middle and move on, maybe even become someone new. Key line is “why can’t you let go/like a bird in the snow/this is no place to build your home,” reminding Gadao that he doesn’t have a place in this world. Not yet.

Transcendental Youth | the mountain goats

“Sing, sing for ourselves alone,” sings John Darnielle, and maybe that’s what makes this feel so much like Blue. Maybe it’s the lyric, “cedar smudge our headbands/and take to the skies/soar ever upwards,” calling to Blue’s dislocation from time and place, flying away from their problems. Blue doesn’t remember their childhood, and has no idea how old they are. Even if they did know, their lifespan is short. They live every day like the halcyon days of youth, footloose and fancy-free indeed.

Champion | Barns Courtney

I swear this is the last Barns Courtney song. But this song is the resilience of coming through fights and perils and dangers. My favorite lyric is “Oh, Lord, save my soul/take my pain and turn it into gold” which, incidentally, is exactly what happens when you level up. The party’s struggles translate to strength, to influence, to skill, and even riches.

In the Woods Somewhere | Hozier

On the one hand, this could be about any combat in the dark woods at night (*cough*, Remmy killing that dragonborn, *cough*). But more importantly, this song is about Alice. She struggles with a power she doesn’t understand, with something’s eyes on her that she can’t fight. The best she can do is run from the danger and try to survive it. Whatever eyes are watching her now, Alice better take care. Favorite line? “I clutched my life/and wished it kept/my dearest love/I’m not done yet.”

Natural | Imagine Dragons

Natural tells the party one way of surviving. The line “you gotta be so cold/to make it in this world” suits Remmy’s outlook so well, the one he pushes at the rest of the party. The line “rather be the hunter than the prey” speaks well to Blue’s tactics--preferring to act from above. Alice and Leap know better than anyone that “nothing ever comes without a consequence or cost,” and Gadao may be the only one ‘holding the line’ against a harder heart. Another song with bits and pieces associated with everyone.

Dead Hearts | Stars

There isn’t a specific lyric here that jumps out at me, no line that tells me who this song is for. This is the song for the ones who die--those who have, and who will. We might not be there yet, but this is a song for acknowledging the sacrifice of your friends and allies. The knowledge that you knew them once, and in some ways, their ghost stays with you. Or maybe they’re revived, or reincarnated, but there’s always something a little different.

The Projectionist | Sleeping at Last

Eventually the session ends, and the story closes, and the lights come up. “We’re leaving our shadows behind us now/we’re leaving, we’re leaving it all behind for now,” Ryan O’Neill sings. We’re putting on costumes, telling a story for each other, and maybe the game ends every time, but maybe it makes us brave. I’d like to think so.

The lyrics to all these songs can be found at Genius.com. Thanks xx

#dnd #d&d #Dungeons and Dragons

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crowned-ladybug · 5 years ago

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Okay, a summary of my AU in which Josuke Wasn’t Born Of Joseph Being A Dipshit bc I’m tired and bad at words but ppl maybe actually wanna read it. It’s literally just me making canon into a sandbox and having fun with it tbh

( @josephu-joestaar @kirstenonic05 @poppypola bc I think you guys wanted to hear this one?)

Okay so, remember Dio’s Flesh Buds he used to control and safety-switch his subjects with? At some point after yeeting out of the ocean like the worst parody of the evolution he decided that he wants to do A Science now and create the Ultimate Anti-Joestar bc this goddamn family is still kicking around and he’s had enough of them. And he has this Genius idea for it, just watch

He hands a fuckin flesh bud to his Evil Scientists he idk got off ebay or some shit, idk, he def had an evil lab with minimum wage evil scientists at some point, he just didn’t go there often bc he doesn’t know what numbers are. So he hands them a Flesh Bud going “hey do you think you could grow a person out of this? K, cool” and then goes back to drinking wine in a coffin or whatever he does in his freetime

Dipshit thinks babies are made from seeds in plant pots or something apparently, I don’t know. He wanted a lil Pure Evil Mini Dio and thought science could surely do that

Then science somehow Does It and now they have A Baby

Except fuckin Slutty Kneepads McGee over here didn’t really consider that if he creates a child, then it’s gonna be. Well. A Child.

Not to mention a child who shows No signs of possessing the Legendary affinity Those Pesky Joestars seem to have for Hamon, so, like, the whole shebang was pointless. Or so think this glorified mosquito and his yellow track pants bc the idiot doesn’t realise that Hamon is gonna go out of style in like six years anyway and he’s just created the kid who’s gonna become one of the most powerful Stand users of his generation. But the dipshit doesn’t even know what a Stand is yet so it’s fine

(I just realised that later I actually ended up joining this AU up with another one where Hamon Doesn’t go out of style but I digress. I’ll tell that one someday too, it’s cute as hell)

Dio stops caring about the project the moment it stops being relevant to him so instead of issuing a command to get rid of the kid in the murdery way, he just. Moves on. The scientists are left with one whole baby they have no idea what to do with and they kinda just. Leave it on the doorstep of an orphanage bc they’re unoriginal but I guess maybe have hearts kicking around in there somewhere

The kid, as you’ve probably guessed by now, is Josuke

Tomoko adopts him when he’s still a baby and raises him well (and on her own just with her dad bc she had wanted a kid without marrying from the get go despite the stigma around it. She can handle it.) He still gets a Stand when everyone else does, also being a Joestar in the same convoluted way as Giorno is. The Joestars find him when Jotaro is sent to Morioh by the Foundation to check on some Suspicious Rise In Stand Activity and finds a pompadour bastard sitting right in the middle of it (he didn’t cause any of it, he just has a knack for trouble)

Josuke and Tomoko immediately get drawn into the family bc even if they don’t know How Josuke is related to them, he’s Family and he’s Nice so they love him by default. So instead of “Josuke is Joseph’s son” it’s “Josuke is kinda everyone’s son now bc they all adopt him”

They eventually connect the dots between Josuke’s Mystery Origins and the scarce documents the Foundation has on this one evil lab Dio had at some point, and it kickstarts a whole other adventure of Josuke and his friends/some of his family going on a treasure hunt to learn about where he’s come from and probably fight some residual Dio Fans along the way

(This also makes him half-brothers with Giorno which I think is p great and so does Josuke bc he has a Brother now how cool is That)

#kata's chatter #jjba #higashikata josuke #dio brando #the rest i wont tag its just mentions anyway #IDC IF IT DOESNT WORK AT ANY POINT IT WAS FUCKING FUN TO COME UP WITH AND THATS WHAT COUNTS #this post is actually just me finding increasingly stupid ways to refer to dio #i cant call him a walnut to yall bc you dont know why i do that and i dont wanna have to explain it every time

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joonyverse · 6 years ago

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a little comfort to my broken soul - kim namjoon (bts) (oneshot)

A/n: hello everyone! I’m finally back with a fic! It’s a oneshot and featuring namjoon? Shdhdh been having a whole lot namjoon feels nowadays. This fic is basically me writing down my loneliness that i’ve been feeling for a while,,, pretty severe tbh, and yOU KNOW IM A SUCKER FOR ANGST so here it is!

Summary: Everyone knows that the Princess of Saturn is best friends with the Prince of Jupiter. The princess’ and prince’s love & thirst for knowledge was what brought them together. It’s only inevitable in everyone’s thought that they end up together. But what happened is not what it seems to be...

Genre: Angst (slowburn), fLOOF, prince!namjoon x princess!y/n

Warning: suicidal thoughts, curses, loneliness, character death, unedited, grammar mistakes, bad english

Royalty Au

You were only 7 almost 8 years old at the time. Naive? Yes. Innocent? No question. But you know that somewhere inside of you, you seek for something. Something that may be beyond your mind, and maybe anyone’s mind. Your love for books took both the Queen and King of Saturn by surprise, not expecting their daughter’s love for the book. The library seems to be the only place you constantly visit in this huge caste you called home. It only seems right for them to have a book fair to celebrate your 8th birthday.

Coincidentally, your birthday fell on the same day with the visiting of the Queen and King of Jupiter. They brought their son together with him, in hope he will befriended the daughter of Saturn, and perhaps from there, take it into the next step.

And to both side’s relief, both you and the Prince click together very well. Both falling into conversation easily. It all comes from childish banters and talks to serious and deeper conversation as you grow up. But something, something will never be able to leave your mind, not when he seems to beam so brightly like he could take on the world with his smile as he said it cheerfully,

“Hello! I’m Kim Namjoon!”

Namjoon was two years older than you. Despite that, you both are still closer than ever. Everyone, everybody, knows that both of you are inseparable. The rebellious act you both did as youngster in their youth, running away from the castle in the middle of the night to a garden not far from it, a garden you both call as the Sacred Garden. The act that causes everyone in the castle fell into panic, searching for you both whereabouts.

And now that you are 20, and Namjoon was 22. Both of you are still the best of friend. The playful banter was still there. But now, the conversation could be more deeper and more meaningful.

Namjoon was visitting your kingdom. Well, to be specific, he was on break so he visited you, knowing very well you couldn’t leave due to your school.

And there you both. In your room. You were just home from campus. Despite your status as a princess, your mom still want you to be more socially active with the public, and not to differ yourself with them. And you have no complain about it, you rather like it, and having an open minded family is more than you could ask for.

Namjoon was sitting on a beanbag that you kept for fun with a book on his hand. You kept some mundane non royal things in your room, to somehow feel more grounded. Living with all the luxuries in life possible could make any human feel rather euphoric, and you don’t like that, and Namjoon knows that. You were laying down on your bed with your phone, that thankfully the kingdom allowed, even if not for public purpose.

You puff up your cheeks, feeling rather bored with the rather calm or serene surrounding. “Namjoon~” you called.

Namjoon only hummed in response. You sighed, wanting his attention. Let me correct that, you Need his attention.

“Look at meee” you whined childishly, earning a groan from the man. “You and your goody two shoes ass always so drown in books!” you added.

He chuckled, knowing you were probably bored. But he won’t give you the satisfactory of winning, despite he knows he already lose hence his attention isn’t on his book anymore, his eyes just scanning the book carelessly.

You smirked. An idea popped off in your head. An idea to caught his attention. “I don’t get why you’re still reading the hard copy version of books!” you said. “It’s not even… eco friendly! It’s wasting plants!” you added.

Namjoon closed his book. Eyebrow raised. Arms closed. “You and your gadget won’t get the pleasure of reading the book as it is! The smell of paper and the feeling of it” he said before he stick out his tongue at you.

You scrunch your nose playfully. You got up from your bed and walk closer to him. “Yeah? The smell of trees being cut off huh?” you said with a smirk as you stand right before him. “ And you know better that I enjoy books more than anyone!” you said as you stick out your tongue at him too.

Namjoon chuckled and shook his head at the playful banter. He knew both of you meant no harm. One thing that Namjoon always admire from you is your love for the nature. How you always plant any kind of plants in every empty land possible, really avoid the use of non biodegradable products, even though you still consume some meat here and there, if anything, food is rather one of your weakness.

Namjoon stood up from his seat. Staring down at you as you were shorter than him. He smiled playfully seeing you looking up at him still with that confidence, despite your lack of height. He quietly walk closer towards you, making you walk backwards and slightly lose your composure before gaining it again.

“You and your feisty tongue, how am I your best friend again?” he chuckled. An evil smile painted in his face. You chuckled nervously, knowing what will comes next.

“You know Namjoon? You were right! Hard copy books are- WAIT!”

Before you could even continued your words, you felt your body was pushed towards the bed, fingers around your waist, tickling it. Making you giggle uncontrollably. You gasping for breathe yet you can’t find any as Namjoon keep tickling you as he giggle along with you.

“AHAHAHAH NAMJOON PLEA- AHAHAH- PLEASE STOP!” You said through your giggles. But of course Namjoon had no mercy. Not until you finally gained enough energy to hit his arm that he finally stop. Of course he knows that you were a very ticklish person.

Namjoon let out a final tired giggle as he plop down beside you. You giggled along with him. Little moments like this feel so precious to you. It makes your heart do things that you can’t explain. And yet you feel like you know what it is. But you enjoyed it.

“So, how’s your thing with Jiwon going on?” you asked in a playful tone, curiosity peaked in. You knew Namjoon had a thing for Jiwon, from the Noble House of Kwon. The Kwons are a family close to yours. A little bit of friendly rivalry going on, but it’s all good. You’re just never got too close with Jiwon though. Jiwon was a really nice girl, even perhaps, the people of Saturn might like her more than they like you, or maybe that’s what you thought. And not only that, she was really attractive, and not to mention how smart she is too. She is literally everyone’s dream.

You look at Namjoon on your side. His face beamed up, thinking about her must got him so over the moon. His smile probably could lighten a ballroom. You smiled too, knowing how happy your bestfriend was.

“I… really like her” he said shyly. You can see his face turn into reddish color like a tomato. “She’s just so amazing, and so pretty as well, I didn’t know human could be that perfect” he added.

And then he suddenly sat up straighter. Face looking right at you. Seeing him makes you sat up too on your bed.

“What? Spill it” you said, feeling nervous and yet concerned all of a sudden.

“I’m gonna ask her out” he said suddenly. You were feeling caught off guard at him. And suddenly, you felt like the room is closing in on you and yet you don’t even know why.

“Then do it! Do it Namjoon! Go get her baby boy” you teased as you pat his back.

He immediately got off your bed in rush. “See you later y/n!” he shouted as he made his way out of your room which earned a chuckle from you.

You stared back into your phone once he left the room. Eyes soullessly staring into the still beaming bright device, showing where you last read your digital book. For some reason, you can’t focus on the words on the device. Your thoughts keep coming back to one thing and one thing only. Kim Namjoon and Kwon Jiwon.

The sun almost setting. The surrounding could never be more serene. You were sitting on the green grass, enjoying the serenity. Watching the sun sets, with a cup of tea on your side. The knee length skirt you wore beautifully forming a halo around you, if anyone saw you, you would look like a goddess, and yet, you didn’t even realize that.

Until you felt a presence next to you. Your head turn towards the intruder. Eyes scrunching up a little bit at how bright the sun shone on you. “Hey, Junmyeon” you greeted. You beamed up at him. You immediately feel humbled. Fingers instinctively reaching for the loose strands and tucked it behind your ear. You smiled sweetly at him.

Junmyeon was the sweetheart of your dream. He was really your everything. Well, your everything number two after Namjoon, you had to admit. He was there for you to lend his shoulder for you to cry on, when you had your first heartbreak, because of some jerk that dated you because he had to move on from his ex only to date his ex again after your breakup despite knowing very well you’ve liked him for so long. He was there when you fought with Namjoon, to hear your rant and your worries. And it was no doubt he was an attractive man.

“Whatcha doing here y/n?” He asked as he sat beside you.

“Nothing, just enjoying the view!” You said. You can feel your heart racing and you can only hope it wasn’t loud enough for Junmyeon to hear.

Junmyeon looked ahead, and yet you were entranced by his beauty. His side view, you don’t think anyone can top this. “Yeah... it is beautiful, indeed” Junmyeon said before he turn his head towards you and smiled.

Perhaps it was the mood, perhaps it was the overwhelming feeling in your chest, and perhaps it was just you and your mind playing, but you can’t help but lean into him. Your lips kissing his, softly.

You thought, it would goes like how you always imagine. The prince of your dream kissing you back, and tell you how he felt the same, telling you that he’s been waiting for this moment to come. But this isn’t fairytale. This is life. And that moment never came.

You slowly pull away, eyes still close. A pang in your heart. You can feel the tears that start to collect underneath your lids. Your heart is broken once again. Of course he didn’t like you that way, or no, of course all this time all he ever had for you was pity. Of course.

“Y/n...” Junmyeon called, his voice shaky.

You waited for it. You waited for it to come. The worst thing. The rejection.

“I really don’t like you that way...” he said carefully.

‘There it is’ you thought. And here you thought you both had something special going on. But of course it was just you being delusional.

“I like... someone else” he added.

You swallowed the lump in your throat. The feeling of humiliation start coming in. Slowly you open your eyes, hoping the tears won’t fall. “Of- of course” you said shakily. “I’m sorry-“

“No no, it’s me who should be sorry, I shouldn’t lead you on, when I like Jiwon after all” he said. He attempt to put an arm around you, but you flinch away. Being in his arm would be the last thing you want.

“I- I should go” you said as you stood up. You immediately run from there, accidentally spilling the tea on your way.

You ran to your room. Throwing yourself onto the bed as soon as you arrived. You cried, hard, into the pillow. Of course it was Jiwon. Everybody likes Jiwon, who were you kidding?

You probably smeared the light makeup you put on, but you didn’t care. Your heart was hurt and broken once again. And this time with no one by your side, you felt so lonely. You fell deep into your own emotions. Exhausted enough to lull you into the dreamland.

Knocks on your door woke you up from the nap you were in. You sat up on the bed. Trying to collect your soul back. Remembering what had just happened pained you again but you felt like all tears had gone. All there is was dried tears on your face and smeared makeup.

“What is it?” You said a little bit louder than your usual voice, so the person behind the door could hear. You walked towards the vanity section in your room, removing the makeup that has smeared.

“You have dinner in an hour with the Queen and the King” the person behind the door said, earning a groan from you.

“The Royal Family of Jupiter would be there too” he added.

You sighed. You look into the reflection of yourself in the mirror. Even you could see the exhaustion in your face. But now, you have to face so many people.

Silently, you got ready with all the energy in you.

It was a rather private dinner. With only your parents, you, Namjoon, and his parents presented. It was a rather nice dinner, conversation with them make you forgot about Junmyeon a little bit and cheer you up definitely.

“Y/n, Namjoon, we both have something to tell you” your mom said.

You stopped eating. Fork was put down. Your eyes stare into her. And you can feel Namjoon did the same.

“Both Namjoon’s mom and dad had talk to us about this, and we agreed with them, because it’s indeed very beneficial to both of our kingdoms, and well, we both know it might be beneficial to both of you as well” your mom said, as she wiggled her eyebrows towards you both, her face beaming up. Namjoon seems confused. But you knew what this is and you can feel the horror starts creeping in, your hearts racing, your face pale. You knew very well what will happen, it happened to your sister, what makes you think that an exception will come to you?

“So... we decide to marry you off with each other!” His father announced. Your eyes immediately search for Namjoon’s.

A deep frown was in his face. His face was red, and you were too afraid to know whether it’s out of anger or anything else. God, you were too afraid to even know how your relationship now with him. You already lost someone today, you don’t want to lose another.

“You are kidding” Namjoon said as his voice fell an octave deeper. You knew he was angry. And you feel your heart breaking once again in a day. What if you lost him too.

The tension in the room was thick. You can feel it. You can even cut it with a knife. And the lump in your throat, it’s almost hurt so bad. Your anxiety kicking in. You really don’t want to be here and hurting.

“Namjoon, y/n, please just go through it, okay? At least for two years, two years and just public is all we need” his mom said, knowing the situation very well.

Namjoon swallowed down. He look at both parents. He nodded. “Two years, and just public” he said before he got up and left the room.

Your eyes followed him before your body do. You don’t even know what to say to him, and yet there you were still running for him.

“Namjoon! Namjoon! Please come back!” You screamed at him as you still run for him. And yet he never stop. The heels you run in was killing you and yet you still run. You can feel your ankle begging you to stop but you run. You don’t want to lose him.

But of course your body won. Your ankle move into wrong position, you had to twisted it and you fell. God it hurts. Of course it hurts. You can’t help but yelp in pain. Hands clutching at the ankle. You feel more pathetic than ever. Your dearest people leaving you and of course you had to have a damsel in distress moment. This is all too cliche for you and yet it happened. Tears were streaming down your face once again. You felt beyond sad, and yet, nobody seems to realize.

And then you felt a presence next to you. Hands around you. You don’t feel the energy to look up to see who it is. But his warmth, his scent, it’s all too familiar. He felt like home, but maybe he is home.

“Are you okay?” Namjoon asked. His voice full of concern. He might be angry, but you were hurting and he won’t put you last or even second.

You shook your head. Sobs escape from you. You just continue crying sadly as Namjoon make you hold him so he can carry you to your room, knowing very well you can’t walk in this state. You buried your face into his neck as you cry.

Namjoon gently laid you on your bed. Your hands immediately come to your eyes covering and rubbing them. Namjoon gently removed your hands. “Stop, you’re gonna hurt your eyes” he said.

You laid on your side. Not even bothering to check your ankle knowing very well that it’s probably swollen and now you have one elephant ankle. “I know it hurts” Namjoon said as he gently reach for your ankle.

“I’m sorry” he apologised. You were hiccuping. Hearing him apologised makes you want to curl into a ball of guilt. You hate making him feel bad.

“Namjoon...” you called weakly. “If you don’t want to go through the marriage, we can always retaliate and reason with them like a damn adult” you said. Your mind is so clouded with so many scenarios and two of them are the humiliation where Namjoon run away with probably Jiwon, and now that you think about it, that’s probably why he was so angry and that’s a sign that probably he succeed on asking her out and you should tell Junmyeon about it, Or, it will be a lonely first night for you as a bride, the worst nightmare coming true.

“It won’t work y/n, I knew they are planning something, I could see it” he said with a sigh. “It will feels weird, and our friendship will be ruined, because it’s like marrying my sister” he added.

For some reason, you felt a pang in your heart. Does marrying you... sounds that bad? Does he never see you as a woman? Why do you even care? But you stayed silent, opting to not voice your wandering thoughts.

“How’s you and... Jiwon?” You asked as you moved facing him. You can hear your voice sounding a little bit different mentioning her name, and you can only hope he won’t notice. But knowing Namjoon, he probably noticed that. But you couldn’t be more thankful as he didn’t brought it up.

Namjoon beamed at the mention of her name. His face light up, it’s like he forgot of what just happened a moment before , before frown came back as he probably remembered about the marriage. And it pained you knowing you were the source of his unhappiness. You really wanted to cry again.

“I actually succeed...” he said. “But after this-“

“Please, don’t let this marriage be in the way of your happiness Namjoon, that’ll be the last thing I want” you cut him. Your mouth talks faster than your brain can proceed. You messed up and you knew. Now, you’re just going to be a lonely soul eternally.

“You can date her, but in public, you are my- you are with me, that’s all” you said.

“It’s okay” you said. “It’s okay to date her” you added. This is it you thought. Namjoon will definitely agreed to this, if he didn’t you will convince him. This is it. Your lonely life as a bride to a man whose heart belong to someone else. It will hurts but at least, Namjoon will be content, and that’s all you need. The last thing you need is having someone’s unhappy because of you.

“What do you mean?” Namjoon asked, confusion appears in his face because he genuinely didn’t understand.

You take another deep breath. “Our marriage, it’ll be just for the public, but privately, you can date her” you explained.

Namjoon chuckled in bewilderment. “No way, big no way, I’m not an asshole of a husband to date another woman while I am tied to someone, it’s morally wrong!” He said.

“I said it’s okay right? Nothing about having to get married to your best friend is morally right either, marriage in actual need consent from both side, and we both know that doesn’t happen, so please” you said. You closed your eyes. It doesn’t even happen yet and you can feel the loneliness start seeping into your very bones and soul. “Please Namjoon, don’t let me be in the way of your happiness” you said.

You never felt so lonely and hopeless as you did in the moment despite having the dearest best friend of your life next to you. Somewhere deep inside you, you wish to God to take you there and then.

“Y/n...” Namjoon called you. You didn’t want to open your eyes. Knowing very well you’ll lose if you did. He’s always been your weakness, always.

“Please, don’t make me feel even worse for myself, you know how much I hate being a burden to anyone, please, let me lessened it in this way” you pleaded.

Namjoon could literally felt his heart broke at the sight of you. You would never be a burden to anyone. And yet it’s so clear you couldn’t see that. It’s so clear that the clouds of negativity is hovering above you, and truth be told, Namjoon didn’t know what to do this time.

“Talk it out with her, if she’s okay with it, I’m okay” you said again.

Namjoon can’t even say anything. He felt like a damn bastard for even considering your offer. You were hurting and yet he still think about your offer. He’s a man, he’s a human, and he’s weak to temptation. He didn’t want to hurt you even further. And so he slowly retreat himself from you.

And it’s like you both know what choice did he made.

Not till you heard his steps has gone further into the hallway, you sobs loudly. Crying your heart out into the pillow. Screaming into it. Pain of agony felt so unbearable at the time. “God, please just take me now” you chanted, hoping no one will hear, only you, and your demon.

2 months had passed. For some reason, Namjoon had strayed away. He still talk to you time to time, but the chemistry just isn’t there anymore. Namjoon probably didn’t know, but you were dying inside. You were just a shell of a woman.

And the day you dreaded finally come. Of course it bounds to come. The day that you’ll finally be married and live far away from the place you call home, the people you call family, and the scenery you’ll always miss. And finally you’ll step into the journey of being a lonely wife to a prince. A lonely wife to a husband whose heart wasn’t present.

A soulless marriage.

And yet, you went through it all. You went through it all with a bright smile you put on as a facade, like as if you can’t wait for the day you finally get to call your best friend your husband. You pretend like all is fine, beyond fine even.

It’s like everyone here is happy except for the bride and the groom. Well maybe perhaps except Jiwon who had to watch her boyfriend being married to someone else who’s not her and kissed her. But at least, she was spared from eternal loneliness.

It was emotionally and physically tiring. Having to pretend for hours, it was very draining to say the least. And when it was finally over, you thanked god for finally the saddest event in your life to be over. Your heels, your dress that weight several pounds, your crown, they were so heavy it’s all killing you.

After the whole ordeal finish. You all had some private family time. You said your goodbye to your parents as you will live with Namjoon at his kingdom. Now you’ll finally leave the comfort of your parents, of your home, of your people.

It was a rather silent ride to his home. Neither you nor Namjoon said a thing. And all you wanted to do was cry. This should be your honeymoon, and yet, you feel so miserable. ‘God, please make it better’ you prayed.

Your thought was broken by a hold on your hand. You looked down before looking back at Namjoon. Your eyes feel so watery and yet you don’t even know why. So many emotions coming over you and it’s all suffocating.

“I’m yours, y/n” he said, his voice was very gentle, you almost break. “I’m yours” he added.

You were confused. You totally were. What did he mean? He’s technically yours but you both know he wasn’t. “Namjoon, what do you mean?” You asked.

He just pulled you closer into him. He stares into your eyes, so deep you were overwhelmed. He sees it all. Your loneliness, your depression, literally everything. And he just wants to give you the comfort you need.

But he knows, you won’t tell him. Not in a million years. Not until your time finally run out and the bomb that is you exploded. Not till your walls break down and you finally let him back into your heart.

A month had passed. Neither Namjoon nor you had bothered to talk with each other. Things had been hectic anyway for you to even have a serious conversation. You’ve both been busy with public appearances here and there to have a serious deep talk. Your emotions both have been put aside, facing the world with a facade.

Not until you both finally got time to rest. Days off, just like anyone else. You were in the balcony that was connected to the supposedly Namjoon and yours room. Not like Namjoon sleep here anyway. And every night, it kills you just how lonely you are. You never knew how much you could despise the silence of the night. Just how dead it seems the night.

You look ahead. The view from the balcony was everything but disappointing. It faces the garden, just how you would like it if this marriage was anything but a scheme. But nevertheless, you enjoyed the view. It soothes the burning pain inside you. You saw the gardener watering the plants, and seeing people do their own things, it makes you feel a little bit more alive.

Your empty thoughts was suddenly interrupted by the intruder that doesn’t even bother to knock the door and roughly opened the door to the balcony. You immediately look back towards the intruder.

There Namjoon stands, a little bit out of breath and unsteady compared to his usually calm composure. His eyes are wide opened. He seems frantic. And this create a panic in you seeing him so distraught.

“Namjoon, what happened?” you asked, voice shaking. Hands reaching out to him, helping him steadied himself.

“It’s your parents y/n” he said, voice far from calm, it’s like the world calm had been thrown out of the window. “Their car… their car…”

“Their car what Namjoon?” you asked, tears threatening to fall from your eyes like a broken dam. You were scared to know what’s going on and you’re sure you don’t want to hear what happened next.

“Someone set a bomb on their car y/n” he said. “No survivor” he continued.

You fell to the ground. It’s like your whole world finally fell apart. The dam is broken. Tears keep falling, not knowing its end. Your cheeks are wet. Sobs keep coming out of your mouth. Namjoon at your side, pulling you into his embrace. His hand keep caressing your back while the other pulling you closer into him.

You can’t keep your head up. You were mourning. Your people were mourning. Namjoon at your side keeping you grounded. His very presence comfort you a little bit, and that’s enough. The town was so dead, and your feel wasn’t far from it. So many memories of your parents come across you, and every each one of them managed to broke your heart even more. You were hurting beyond belief. You prayed to God for some kind of remedy to your never-ending pain or if he can’t, then please just take you away. You were beyond tired.

The long ceremony finally ended. You laid on your bed in your bedroom. Tears not even coming out anymore. You felt a weight on your side but you said nothing.

“y/n…” Namjoon called as he pulled you into his embrace once again, spooning you just like how he knew it’s always been your favorite since you were little.

“Please, just talk to me okay? Tell me everything, god, I won’t even mind if you hit me, just talk to me okay?” he said gently into your ear. And yet you still say nothing.

“Y/n, I know how lonely you’ve been, and I know you won’t let me in and comfort you, but please, I lo- I care about you too much, so please, let me in, and let me comfort you” he said. “baby, please…”

Your eyes watered again. You can feel it coming. You don’t even know why you held it in again. You don’t even know why you don’t confide in him. “Namjoon, please I’m so tired, I’m so lonely, I don’t even want to live… this is all to hard” you sobs.

He hugged you even tighter, as if to let you know that he’s here, no matter what. “I want to feel loved, I want my parents back, I want… I want to be brave to feel things, because-“ you choked. “I feel so dead inside” you continued.

“So Namjoon please, even if you don’t mean it, please just… just pretend like you love me with the sincerest heart and love, love me just for tonight” you begged.

Namjoon gently turning you to make you facing him. “y/n… It’s always been you, god I know what you’re thinking but I realized…”

“I realized that what I feel for Jiwon, is nothing like what I feel for you” he continued. “It’s always been you, baby” he said. His eyes full of sincerity and that makes you want to cry harder.

“Namjoon please, don’t lie to me, I can take the truth like a big girl, so please… don’t lie to me about this… especially this” you begged. Despair fill your whole being.

“Baby look at me” he said. Your eyes can’t help but stare into him. “Y/n, it’s always been you, and will always be you” he said. “I love you” he assured.

“B-but the things with Jiwon-” “It never happened”

“But why?” you asked, your voice small.

“Because you are you and I love you for who you are” he said. He stared into you with so much sincerity you almost got overwhelmed by it. You looked away, not wanting to fall deep into his eyes.

His lips hovering above your jaw, his eyes were closed, and you can feel his breath on you. “baby...” he called.

You looked into him. His eyes were staring right at yours. You didn’t remember whether it was him or you, but next thing you knew, his lips was on you, kissing you softly as if you were a fragile china that needed to be protected, and yet, you can feel how he tried to proves it to you that his feelings were true. And you can’t help but kiss him back. Lips enveloping each other, kissing like there’s no tomorrow.

Both of you let go to your needs of oxygen. Out of breath, but yet, despite everything, you felt like something inside you is awoke again. Slowly, you opened your eyes. His already looking back at you.

“It will take time, but I will show you just how much I love you”

It’s now been six months. Everything had gone by, and without you realizing, winter has come.

You were curling into a ball in bed. Eyes were still closed. Hand reaching to your side, searching for a certain someone. Not long after, you felt a weight crawling over you, making you smile despite being in your sleepy state.

“Hey, searching for me baby?” Namjoon whispered into your ear before he peppered your neck in kisses, slowly making his way into your face. Smile painted his face

You giggled. Your hands reaching for his face, want to bring it up towards yours. “Good morning to you too baby” you said before you reach up to him for a kiss. “Why were you up?” you asked in a playful whine tone.

“I’m sorry baby, I went to the bathroom” he said before reaching for another kiss. “Do you want to go on a date tonight?” he asked.

“Why tonight when I have a whole day for you?” you pouted.

He chuckled. “Sorry love, I have to visit somewhere later, I’m free afterwards though” he assured.

“Well, Mr. Kim, you have a lunch date with Mrs. Kim at the Palace” you said, your face were beaming so brightly. Namjoon can’t help but give you another deep kiss, what can he do? He is a man after all who will always fall for his wife’s temptation. Making said wife chuckled.

“And who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky tonight”

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space-whalesharks · 5 years ago

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73 Questions

Tagged by: @returnofthepd3 Tagging: All y’all

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? -10. I’ve got nothing to look forward to in life anymore and that’s finally starting to weigh on me.

Describe yourself in a hashtag? #CorgiMom

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? I’ll pass.

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? “Come see the Human Afterthought.”

What’s one thing people don’t know about you? I mean I’m lonely af and try to get friendship going with lots of people so I’m entirely open and will talk about anything, so nothing.

What’s your wakeup ritual? Currently roll out of bed at 10am-11am, tune out whatever nonsense my dad is spewing that afternoon, pack more boxes, fruitlessly apply to jobs, and play RDR2.

What’s your favorite time of day? 7PM-1AM. Blessed alone/unbothered time in this house.

Your go to for having a good laugh? Talking to my college friends and The One That Got Away

Dream country to visit? England

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had? My parents finally caving and letting me get a dog after we lost our first corgi two years prior/they didn’t want to “do all the doghair” again.

Heels or flats/sneakers? Sneakers but not flats. I’m a toe-walker so flats are a nightmare. I have better luck in heels than flats, and I don’t mind heels, but they just feel too formal for me.

Who do you want to write your obituary? The One That Got Away. He’ll do me justice and not get too preachy. He’ll have fun with it.

Style icon? Becca in Pitch Perfect, Carrie Underwood when she/her stylist is pairing stuff with jeans

What are three things you can’t live without? My dog, creativity, art supplies

What’s one ingredient you put in everything? Lemon Pepper

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for? The One That Got Away, my first senior year roommate, and... my three college best friends. No, I won’t narrow it down to three.

What’s your biggest fear in life? At this point it’s about to come true, so moving away and not being able to find a job/carry on the exact same way I’m going now, so... yeah.

Window or aisle seat? Window

What’s your current TV obsession? I had to axe Hulu for a bit but when I still had it, it was Prodigal Son, Almost Family, Dollface, and Perfect Harmony (yeah the latter is fairly preachy and bad but it’s charming and funny in its own weird way). That reminds me I need to re-up Hulu.

Favorite app? Spotify, Choices: Stories You Play

Secret talent? Interior Design, Giving My All to Some People Who Just Won’t Bother to Do the Same For Me

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life? Digging in my heels when my parents were trying to deter me from going to a college seven hours away. I’m not adventurous and I hate it.

How would you define yourself in three words? empathetic, creative, A Pleasure to Have in Class

Favourite piece of clothing you own? My college hoodie. It’s mostly black, has my college logo but the neck/pullstrings are modelled after a hockey uniform’s. I’ve only gone without it the last three days during this whole lockdown and I miss it. The print is also crackling so I need to find another close thing to it.

Must have clothing item everyone should have? Slightly too-big hoodie.

Superpower you would want? Mind reading

What’s inspiring you in life right now? Nothing

Best piece of advice you’ve received? “Stop caving to your parents.”

Best advice you’d give your teenage self? Same as the last question, cut out [Toxic Ex Best Friend], be more aggressive pursuing The Guy it Turned Out We Both Had a Crush on, also be more aggressive pursuing The One That Got Away.

A book that everyone should read? Austenland by Shannon Hale if romantic comedies and/or Jane Austen is your thing.

What would you like to be remembered for? Loyalty.

How do you define beauty? Selflessness, put-togetherness

What do you love most about your body? If eyes count, my eyes. If not, lmao I hate my body, nothing.

Best way to take a rest/decompress? Mindlessly browse internet, play videogames.

Favourite place to view art? On here, tbh. Like, I could say the Metropolitan Museum of Art in the city, but... idk everything but the Egyptian Exhbit drains me in that place for some reason. I’m more of a Natural History Museum gal. Gimme the fun taxidermy and that giant whale sculpture in the food court any day.

If your life were a song, what would it be? Falling Apart - Matt Nathanson

My Name is Thunder by Jet and The Bloody Beetroots.

If you could master one instrument, what would it be? Baritone. I used to play it and then got snubbed from band in 7th grade and my skill with it tanked to nothing. Picking it up again would be nice.

If you had a tattoo, where would it be? Well, the plan before the lockdown was to get one in the middle of my inner forearm.

Dolphins or koalas? Dolphins

Best gift you’ve ever received? Our first corgi

Best gift you’ve ever given? When I was in college I made polymer clay ornaments for Christmas for my five housemates. They were all fairly terrible but I had fun and most of them apparently willingly enjoyed getting them/had a good laugh about it. One of them still sends me the photo of his whenever it’s on the tree.

What’s your favourite board game? Stratego but the version from the 1960s, Battleship from the 1980s. Yes the years are important, the modern ones are entirely different games and they’re Weird and I don't like ‘em.

What’s your favourite colour? Peacock blue

Least favourite colour? Yellow

Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

Drugstore makeup or designer? Drugstore

Blow-dry or air-dry? Air dry. Fuck blow drying, I have too much hair and it puffs out if I blow dry. I call it “Hermione Grangering.”

Pilates or yoga? Neither

Coffee or tea? Both

What’s the weirdest word in the English language? Moist. Why does everybody hate it, idgi. Is it really just a mind in the gutter thing?

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Yes.

Stairs or elevator? Stylistically stairs, general preference: elevator.

Summer or winter? WINTER!!!! Summer is evil.

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? Mac and Cheese

A dessert you don’t like? No Dessert.

A skill you’re working on mastering? Digital coloring, figuring out what I want to do with my life without caving to my parents trying to gaslight me because they want me to be something I don’t want to be.

Best thing to happen to you today? lmao nothing. Since it’s been a rough few hours I’m waiting on The One That Got Away to sense my depression and text me because he’s just got that talent.

Best compliment you’ve ever received? My high school bus driver ran into me at the grocery store I worked at and introduced me to his partner as “the girl I told you about, the one that if we ever adopt a kid and they don’t end up exactly like her, I’m gonna be disappointed.” Also, because I need to put this one into writing somewhere, when my classmates and I were out on a college trip, our professor/advisor was with us and was a few drinks in, so she gave us all superlatives. I was “the smartest person in this entire group... .... .... but [ I ] had to come out of the closet ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... of smartness.” Cue everyone, including myself, looking from her, to each other, and then back to me, absolutely not sure how to process that. It was wild and confusing but because of that it still ranks on one of my best moments in college. And it was arguably a compliment.

Favourite smell? Vanilla, or baked goods.

Hugs or kisses? Hugs

If you made a documentary, what would it be about? Documentaries are garbage, I’d do a drama- movie or show.

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? RDR2 fic, post canon where John meets Albert and tells him A Thing and it killed me.

Lipstick or lip gloss Lipstick

Sweet or savory? Sweet

Girl crush? Alicia Vikander

How you know you’re in love? Undying loyalty to the person, lots of laughs and smiles.

Song you can listen to on repeat? Sinner - Andy Grammer

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be? Anybody other than me lmao

What are you most excited about at this time in your life? Again, I’ve got nothing to look forward to in life anymore. So uuuhhhh... maybe having something to look forward to again? But there’s a minimal chance of that.

#long post #sorry for all the sads like I said it's been a bad last few hours #feeling unwanted and worthless and all that fun stuff

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ralfstrashcan · 6 years ago

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3x19 Reaction / Commentary

I didn't even skip breakfast today, it's almost as if I'm a real functioning adult ahahaha.

SDFALFJSKLDFJASDF I'M ALREADY A MESS

Ngl those first few shots made me think I had fallen headfirst into a zombie apocalypse movie. Wind swooshing through the speakers, no living soul in sight, no cars driving, just Magnus walking along the street, on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams hahahahaha sorry I'll stop.

Wow what a jerk.

There's been so many hilarious jokes about the “What fool summoned you” line, and my favorite one will forever remain this.

So, points to Magnus for asking, minus points for buying this shit not-sound-at-all story. Even “fatherly love” can't just screw the laws of nature, okay, Magnus shouldn't just skim over this. Then again I can definitely cut him slack on this because he is a little preoccupied with other problems at the moment.

Listen, Magnus's body language throughout this whole scene (and also throughout the sneak peek we saw for 3x20) is so expressive. Imma skim over it because I plan to do a thorough Relationship / Scene Analysis for Magnus and Asmodeus, so let me just leave this picture here uncommented.

No wait, I have a question. Isn't Magnus's magic occupied with guarding Lilith's home? Did Asmodeus pick it up before summoning himself or did he call it just now? Also, does Asmodeus know that Lilith is on the loose? Then again, is she even? Because no Shadowhunter can be bothered to look for her and she did say that she wanted to go back to Edom... but that was probably a lie to get Cain to cooperate. And how could she even send herself back to Edom? So many questions. Anyway moving on because who cares about Lilith.

Magnus's face when he gets his magic back. ....................yes I have no witty words here, sorry.

Lol okay I have. I love this scene, I absolutely LOVE Magnus's face and how expressive it is, but I've also been dreaming of an epic eye-sparkling, energy-crackling mid-battle-scene where Magnus regains his magic for uhhhh almost a year now, and in terms of dramatic-ness this was pretty anti-climactic. And I think we can agree he won't lose his magic again and then get it back in a more dramatic fashion. Also where are his cat eyes I feel cheated.

I mean, come on, even he gets to show them!! Btw what a dick cunning move to use them to manipulate Magnus. Since they made a compelling argument the first time around.

Also LOL Asmodeus playing nice for one second and when Magnus denies him he immediately shows his hand with “I won't take no for an answer.” Man has no patience XD

Finally I wanna give a huge HUGE shout out to Magnus for resisting Asmodeus becuase can you even imagine how low he must be feeling and yet he has enough presence of mind left to realize that whatever comfort Asmodeus offers can't be true, there must be a hook and it's best to stay away. Dude what strength.

“I only lost sight of her for a minute.” “Enough time for the Evil Rune to have taken hold.”

Uuuhhhh since when?? Did they also go to the bathroom together before?? Did I miss that?? I mean, sure, Clary was drifting sometimes, but she spent a whole half episode in the same cell as Jonathan with Jace “away” behind the glass wall and out of her sight, so...... yeah. This is a little sudden.

She keeps saying that but we have yet to see her actually filter anything. #nofilter

“No one can hurt us if we get to Morning Star first. And once we have that sword the entire world will be terrified of us....”

So he wants that evil sword not to open a rift but to keep the NY Shadowhunters off his back so he can live his life in peace. I-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g.

Yes, good. Finally learned your lesson.

.............Or not??? I mean it's not like Clary pretended to be on his side before, to lull him into a false security and gain the upper hand. Why would he fall for it now? Because he acts like Jace is the only risk factor here, and Clary is of course truly and wholly on his side. I mean, true, the circumstances are different since she freed him and all, but like. Guy must have trust issues by now. Where are they.

Also

he should start a self help group with Alec hahahahahaha *weeping*

Me, waiting for the next episode of Shadowhunters. (Also I just noticed Simon says “me neither” not “mine neither” so it sounds as if he's not Izzy's thing, either and LOL I couldn't agree more ahahaha.)

Uh-huh, I agree. Perfect timing. I mean, it's not like there was a glaring 98% there earlier, and as if he didn't have plenty of time before to bring this unfortunate line of conversation up. This is on you, Simon. Don't blame the filtering.

HAHAHA ASK ALEC, HE'S GOING TO THROW IT AT HIM HAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously though. Just, uh, crush it into powder, add some saline solution, done. And I'm not even a scientist. This is intuitive. The heck.

I'm 1000000% on board with all of this, okay. Over excited Alec is the best Alec. Handholding is the best. Magnus's weariness of surprises is headcanon confirmed. Yes to all of it.

So there were a few lines that were widely interpreted as allusions to their kinky sex life and tbh I never bought any of it because I thought it was seeing too much where there was nothing, but this is so very obviously meant in a kinky way that I'll accept it. Another headcanon confirmed ahahaha this episode is so generous to me.

Ugh I'm so gonna have to write something about that. And knowing myself, it'll be sad closeted Alec daydreaming of all the things he can never have.

Question time, what are those weird rivets thingies? Do they hold any meaning? Is their placement of importance? Because they look very deliberate and very there. I'm confused.

Also, this scene was designed to drive me crazy. There's 7 different shots where we see the lock's placement and there are no less than 3 (!!!!!) different placements. Placement #1, #3 and #5 are consistent (though really, #1 and #5 shouldn't even count because they are clearly the same shot, just with Magnus's hand reaching for the lock) on the left side of the yellow lock, to the bottom left of the Dips lock.

Then we see Alec placing it in an empty compartment at the very edge of the construction (placement #2), only for it to be on the compartment below that in the next shot (placement #4), sharing space with a little gray-blueish lock. This is the same place from where Magnus removes it then (placement #6).

I hate inconsistencies, okay, and I really did notice all this the first time watching. I can't not-see stuff like this. The only fun that comes out this detail obsessiveness is the lock that clearly ships Captain America and Captain Marvel (left) and the lock that was placed from two years in the future (right) because ahahahaha did the show forget it takes place in 2016?? It would seem so.

And yes, I chose to focus on this instead of the fact that Magnus incinerates their lock because that hurts my heart too much to think about, okay. That scene was perfect, the music swelling in all the right places and just. So heart-wrenching. I might've teared up a little. You can't prove anything.

Why she not removing those paper thingies? Seems impractical.

Paint on face trope? Check.

Yeah Raphael, lemme pay you some respect for facing your mistakes like that. I like it a lot.

Istg if they don't give him GPS this time and just rely on the tracking rune again, which Jonathan and Clary will insist he blocks, then imma flip my shit.

.......................so many fanfics want to be written here, okay. So many.

Also is no one gonna talk about the fact that they all put the ring on the pointer when that's not the intuitive position to place a ring? For security reasons alone you should put it on your middle finger so it doesn't accidentally slip off. Oh right, I forgot. Magic ring.

I love how Alec's voice wavers and you just know he sends Jace away because he'll start crying if he doesn't (even if in this screen cap Alec looks weirdly happy). Btw headcanon that Jace didn't realize something was up at first and was only tipped off when Izzy asked earlier if Alec was okay, and then he prodded at the parabatai connection and realized... there was nothing. Just a solid wall of nothing, because Alec's been sealing off his feelings completely.

1) Wow, Simon, your condolences are amazing. 2) Please, explain? Is she in a coma? Walking around as if she'd had a lobotomy?? But whatever, just skim over this, she's a minor character anyway and nobody cares about her *shrug*

This is the LAZIEST plot convenience I ever had to see with my own two eyes. I really can't work up the energy to rage about this. Just, wtf. Then again, not calling ahead with vital information seems to be Luke's Thing, just remember the 3x15 disaster. At this point it might as well be considered a character trait of him and no longer plot convenience. *sigh* Also, Shadowhunters are major creeps, am I supposed to believe they don't have a few liters of all of their soldiers' blood stored away somewhere, for reasons?

Uh-huh, Izzy. And if you care to remember, that was about 20 episodes ago. And since vampires have a constant craving for blood they seem to have some kind of metabolic. If you want to tell me that Jace's blood is still IN Simon, then either a) he's been chipping away at the Jace-blood-stash he has hidden in his second gastric and if that runs out he'll no longer be a daylighter or b) Jace's blood went into Simon's cells and changed him on a molecular level..... in which case, to extract it they'd have to remove it, un-daylighter-ing Simon in the process. Or maybe just parts of him? Imagine if he was a daylighter except for his left arm or something. In any case, this is majorly ridiculous and I can't believe I have to suffer through this.

????????????? Who opened that portal? I mean, if he had to call on a warlock to get away, wouldn't it have been easiser for Izzy and Co. to stop him from running through that portal and make him donate some blood first? Instead of forcing this bullshit logic on me? Ugh. But I get it, this is necessary to justify a Sizzy scene. Whatever.

Hahahhahha.

Which means nothing, since Jace can activate his runes without his stele. Or did they forget that part again?? I mean, it's been half a season since he last did that.

“And if it wasn't for our connection I suspect you'd do it again.”

lolololol hilarious.

HAHHAHA WILL YOU STOP WITH THE HILARITY

Honestly, the way they all act I get the distinct feeling I'm watching an exasperated kindergartener and two particularly clingy toddlers vying for her attention XD

Uuuuhhhh yeah hit me with more Malec Flashbacks to make me feel shitty, why don't you.

Okay, consoled. Btw thanks for confirming another headcanon that between the two of them Magnus is the one easier swayed by puppy eyes.

HAHAHAHA of course my mind immediately interpreted that as a misguided pun about Magnus being a Prince of Edom hahahaa wtf Alec

Dammit, his eyes. You can really see how he's allowing himself to start dreaming about it.

Also, can't believe they had a kiddie talk with at least some seriousness, what, two months into their relationship?? Haha. And internally Madzie was like “Uh boring grown up talk, at least I got my sprinkles.”

See, this is what I have problems with. On the one hand, even with all his emotional turmoil going on, Magnus is still enough in his right mind not to fall for Asmodeus's sweet talking, but on the other hand he revisits all of those memories and doesn't realize Alec breaking up with him can't have been real? This doesn't really add up. Either he is out of his mind with emotions that he can't see this very very strange happening for being something fishy (then he shouldn’t have been able to so easily resist Asmodeus), or he's still level-headed enough not to be driven by emotions entirely (then he should have realized the breakup was fake).

toddler fight intensifies

I'M WHEEZING HAHAHAHAHAHAH R U FOR REAL. Also remember my statement from last week? Where I said “I mean, in a way it's nice to know that Demonic Clary isn't smarter than Regular Clary.” Turns out she's so much worse than Regular Clary XD

Lol Raphael is that still you talking or the Plot Point? Because ngl, when I saw that sneak peek promo thingy where Jordan eyes the dramatically last vial of serum in the Institute I immediately thought they want to cook up a conflict there, where he steals the last vial needed to help save Clary and bla bla bla. I really hope they don't go down that road because I feel he should be better than this by now. *sigh* In any case, while I enjoyed the first part of this plot line with Raphael coming here to make reparations, this feels really forced and convenient.

OH MY GOD THANK YOU SIMON FOR ASKING THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS WTF I NEED ANSWERS

Wow can't believe they pulled this obvious and clearly unfitting parallel to Sizzy. I mean, Simon lost his glasses back in S1 and even before that Izzy noticed he was hot in like ep 2. She's been appreciating him as a friend since at least 2B if not sooner. So please don't pretend that she just didn't notice what a great guy he is, because she did. She knows he's someone you can count on, who's there when you need him, with advice or a joke or just to listen to you. She knows all this, and has for seasons. But, surprise surprise, you don't fall in love with everyone who's a great guy and a good friend. That is a thing. Friendships are a thing. Anyway, at least I can wholeheartedly agree that in any possible scenario Izzy is the hot girl XD

HAHAHA JACE THAT'S PAYBACK FOR ALL THOSE TIMES YOU INTERRUPTED MALEC HAHA KARMA IS A BITCH RIGHT

.......or just use glamors to look like Downworlders. Just saying.

Jonathan using the cuts to get a secretive chest grab in on Jace, but I know all those sleazy tricks and you can't slip that feel-up past me #busted

*weeping tears* yeah, and he'll never get the real deal. what a tragedy.

“...the Downworlder club. I think the runes front and center on my neck make a compelling argument, don't you agree?” Also the foreboding background music totally spoiled this 'twist.' (I'm using ''s because it was totally obvious this wouldn't work.)

Look I just love Alec, okay. I LOVE ALEC.

*waves hand* elite guard *waves hand some more* blue mark on his neck *smacks self in the face with waving hand* look i'm pretty sure Meliorn doesn't have a mark like this and he's like, the only Seelie that gets regular screen and talking time with the queen. But I'm way too behind schedule to start looking into it, I might edit something in here later (or never ahahaha).

OH DEAR THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

YES YES YES PLEASE

DUUUUDE WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM IDEAS WHAT THE HELL

Also, remembering that short sequence of Magnus shooting red magic at his temples from the promo doesn't bode too well for the rest of the episode. Dammit.

You had one job, Lindsay. One. Job. (Yes, please imagine the Loki Gif here. I just love him a lot, okay. Loki <3<3<3)

(^pls imagine her little disenchanted headshake because any screen caps I tried to take made her look drugged out of her mind lol.)

Yep, this is it. This is it.

Sooooo.... how exactly did they persuade the bouncer? Just curious.

HAHAHAAHAH duuuuuude hahahhaa.

........when exactly did Jonathan spy all that? I mean, I've been having questions about the pacing since that ep with the Baby Jonathan Flashbacks, because that manibus whatever demon? Referring to 2x05. So Jonathan only got to earth after that? Howwww? Not thanks to Valentine, right, since he didn't even know Jonathan existed until 2x15 where Jonathan intercepted him from his portal to Idris? And didn't they say Sebastian Verlac disappeared half a year ago?? How does that all match up?

In any case, I feel like the seelie queen suddenly having a warlock boy toy who she can't order into her realm and who she has monthly scheduled appointments with that the whole shadow world knows about is a) totally absurd b) pretty ooc for her and c) reeking of plot convenience. They just couldn't find a better excuse for her to be at a certain place at a certain time. They should have made her attend a fashion show, or hell, a gardening contest. Would have been more credible than whatever this is.

“I grab the queen. Clary portals the three of us away.” “The four of us, including the queen.”

HAHAHHAHAHHA I CAN'T XD XD XD #slightly consoled

WHEN THE HELL DID JONATHAN READ / WATCH THE SHINING ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW WTF!!!!!

1) This doesn't work in real life. Do you have any idea how much time it takes to catch a snow flake or a raindrop this way? I know because I've tried, and the anwer is ages. 2) Seems a very uneconomical way to distrubute drugs. Whoever invented that business model must be in deep depts by now. 3) What kind of shitty plan was that on Jonathan's part? Get Jace on drugs, he'll surely expose himself to be a traitor? I hate the fact that it works. I hate that everyone's shitty plans always work (re: Sizzy's dilettantish prison infiltration) because that's why they all keep making shitty plans. Positive reinforcement and all that. The only one who always gets punched in the face for making okay-to-good plans is Alec, and that's why he's the overthinker. So unfair.

“Well this is awkward because I just stole it for you.”

So frakkin predictable. Also, how did he steal it from the table when Izzy and Simon where guarding it?? It clearly was still there when Maia left and like

Did Jordan just grab it and run? So many questions.

Don't get me wrong, that whole forging the sword sequence was super badass, but like, if you're wielding scorching hot metal it seems a little impractical to just wear security goggles and a leather apron. There were freaking sparks flying and Izzy ducked. What the hell. What about, idk, unconventional but, a protective suit?? And Simon isn't any better. “Oh, I could die from this sword? Just lemme hide behind this doorway real quick.” *sigh* One of these days a character should die because of dumbass behavior, maybe that'd teach them all a lesson.

Also, this is totally logic. They had a splinter from the original sword that they then made tons of serum from, which they saved 3 vials of..... and somehow this was still enough to forge a whole new frikking sword that's apparently just as powerful as the original one. I don't even know where to start with this bullshit.

.................dude, if you wanted to persuade her you should have pointed out the ring to her. But maybe this isn't about logic at all, this is about wanting to know if he is Clary's first choice without logic or reason, and that would make sense for his character, even if it's not the most sensible or productive course of action.

Me, during the fight scene: “Wow, I believe all that Seelie guard slaughtering is not going to end up in a Downworlder vs Shadowhunter war again..... ha..... hahahaha.”

Arguing with a possessed person. Again. Honestly this is the, uhhh, fifth time this happens on this show? And people just seem to never learn. SIGH

Yeah, by not following the plan and acting stupid, so my sympathy is pretty limited aka non-existent. Btw his slide across the Institute floor was hilarious. And also, pretty nice of Clary not to just kill him. This is the second time she's spared him. Interesting.

ISTG IF THIS SCENE ENDS WITH A CLIFFHANGER IF HE GOES THROUGH WITH IT OR NOT IMMA FLIP MY SHIT

*manic laughter* I love that this makes so much sense. Asmodeus needs Magnus's heartbreak so he'll be susceptible to Asmodeus's influence. So his motives are shitty. On the other hand it's not as if what Asmodeus says to Magnus isn't the truth. Fighting through this will make Magnus stronger, no doubt. Knowing he can be this low and still get back on his feet without running away and succumbing to the pain. And I'm glad, for obvious reasons, that Magnus didn't go through with the memory removal because ain't nobody got time for those issues. Mending the breakup in a satisfying was will be hard enough as is. Back to the scene at hand, I gotta say I love this about Asmodeus: He doesn't lie outright, he mostly lies by omission, and he speaks enough truth to really screw with everyone's perception. It's awesome. He is such a great antagonist and his dynamic with Magnus is highly fascinating.

Conclusion: Not enough Malec (seriously, their only scenes together are flashbacks? the frakkin audacity) but tbh I'm still too high on endorphines since the memory removal didn't happen that I'm mostly okay with it. And the Jonathan-Jace comedy was nice.

#shadowhunters #3x19 #magnus bane #alec lightwood #isabelle lightwood #clary fray #jace wayland #asmodeus #simon lewis #jonathan morgenstern #maia roberts #kyle #luke garroway #raphael santiago #reaction

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