#I know what I'm doing. I've studied them like bugs. One post does not show my full view on their relationship

[lilacs-stash]

Hello fellow polyam grand slams enjoyers, may I ask you

[zagreuses-toast]

I come from a place of sheer curiousity and I just wanna ask genuinely- you say that you're a fan of 13s/ the chibnall era. Why? Doctor who is my favourite show and I've connected with every incarnation deeply and immediately, but have never been able to "click" with 13, despite my best efforts. What is it that you like about her? What is it that you like about chibnalls writing? I want to know and I want to like her/it too, but as of right now, I just... don't. Obviously you're not obligated to, but can you explain why?

Ok so this ended up being a Long Post, so I'm putting my response under the read more. Also I'm assuming you've actually watched the Chibnall era up to The Power of The Doctor, if you haven't then heads up for spoilers and stuff that might not make much sense without context.

Oh and I'm gonna @ @rearranging-deck-chairs and @ssaalexblake because I see their DW opinions all the time and they're really good and they can probably give more nuanced answers on some things. (Idk how well I did on explaining why I liked some of them, and it really is up to personal preference on some things)

Thirteen herself:

There are a lot of reasons I like Chibnalls era, but one of the biggest ones out the gate is definitely Jodie and her acting in the role of the Doctor. I think the way she balances bouncy gregariousness with the colder more angry and mean aspects of the Doctor is great. She does this thing where she can just make her eyes go dead and then smile like it's a threat, like she's gonna bite, especially when going up against villains. It's great. And Jodie herself is a delightful person.

Beyond just physical acting choices, I find the thirteenth Doctors struggle between her anger and secrecy, vs her desire to connect and her joy at life very very compelling. She keeps this distance that's really interesting I think, where she's genuinely attached to and trying to be a friend to the Fam, but still trying to keep her whole past out of the deal, which doesn't work that well, as we see in s12 and Flux. She's surrounded by death and haunted by the knowledge of how little time she has with her friends, (Grace, and she just came back from bill) but she still wants and needs that connection, and she learns to live in the present a bit. I made a whole post about her final regeneration speech here. I love her arc a lot even if it hurts. Also she's such a horrible hypocrite about so many things, which also makes her a fun character to rotate in my head and study like a bug. I do see it as being on purpose, some people seem to think it's just bad writing that she contradicts herself but imo that's a big part of her character.

Chibnalls writing:

I personally like the timeless child plot because :

There are a lot of stories and ideas in the Chibnall era I like, and a lot more I find very compelling. Whatever your opinions on the writing (and I definitely have had a lot of critique for some bits), there were a lot of ideas introduced that were fun and interesting. One of the weaker points of the era IMO is having so much fun stuff set up, but only shallowly or quickly exploring it, and then adding more stuff on top.

A lot of things didn't get the exploration/screen time I thought they deserved (especially characterization and interaction/dialogue wise). But that just gives my brain more to chew on at the end of the day, and I do love what was done during the seasons itself, not just all the potential stuff.

1) I can connect with it, I know Chibnall was coming at it from a place of being an adoptee, but as a native person the story of a kid taken and raised into an imperial/colonial society, who had their history stolen and their body exploited to further that societies ends, hits very close to home.

And 2) I have a "everything is true at once" approach to canon and I think the more origin stories we make for the Doctor the funnier it is.

This era had a lot of repeating themes, ideas that showed up and we're explored in a lot of different circumstances, often with a rule of 3 aspect to it. One is themes of Empire and Exploitation. Particularly through the stenza in s11 (empire using up planets, introduced to us basically doing foxhunts for clout, but with People instead of foxes), the dalek specials, the Cybermen in s12, and Division/the timelords in flux (as well as the sontarans &co).

Within that there's the repeating motif of how by exploiting people or their beliefs for power the imperial power/bad guys sew the seeds of their destruction. From Tzim Sha using the Ux and them turning against him, to the Division being destroyed by the Ravagers, who they tried to use to get rid of the Doctor/the old universe (and the doctor and even the master going rogue in the first place). Hell even Kerblam! (I know I know) Has a version, where the AI system being used to do terrible things is the one to call the doctor for help!

Another standout are themes of breaking cycles, Ryan is estranged from his dad and was distancing himself from Graham, but they both put in the work and grow extremely close over their two seasons. He also chooses to leave the TARDIS when he realizes he's absent from his friend's lives and wants to be present. And the Doctor gets to break the cycle of exploitation that Tecteun started, when she meets a vulnerable being with mysterious power (the energy being from TPOTD) she helps it free itself, on a way she wasn't helped.

Individual character stuff:

Going again into more individual character stuff I love, I've gotta give it to Sacha Dhawan for being a fucking superb Master. His acting is bonkers amazing and he does a great job portraying the sorta huge personal crisis the master is going through, and externalizing via evil schemes. At the end of Twelves run we saw Missy try to be like the doctor, to get her friend back (and even succeed a bit) but end up dying for it. Now we come back to a master who died trying to be like the person they see as their only equal, and has discovered (wrongly) that they were never equal to begin with, that the doctor is so much more than them. So he tries to make her like him instead, and If she won't become like him and kill them both along with the rest of gallifrey, then he will become her properly this time (by body snatching), ruin her legacy, and die with her eventually (overtaking her in the same way his whole existance has now been caused/overtaken by the doctor in his eyes, because of her being the source of regeneration)

Also can we talk about the Yaz?? I've been dying to talk about Yaz!!! I love her a lot and I find her fascinating, shes probably my favorite companion based on just sheer amount of time spent Thinking about her. Her doctorification/character arc is so good

Yaz is into the travelling and saving the day lifestyle the Doctor gives her for the responsibility of it all, for feeling useful and capable and good. Her early characterization Monet's include her complaining about not having more interesting jobs as a cop because she wants responsibility, she wanted to be important and helpful (that's the entire reason she became a cop, to help people like she was helped when she was in a dark place, and she finds a better way of doing that with the Doctor). And she GETS THERE, narratively and on a character level, she spends three years on earth with her own companions! She co-pilots the TARDIS and can fly her herself! She saves the day when the master steals the doctors body! And most of all SHES EXTREMELY SAD AT THE END BECAUSE THE PERSON SHE LOVES DIED BEFORE HER!! JUST LIKE THE DOCTOR !! (ugly crying) (I could write a whole other post about thasmin, good and bad, but a lot of people have put it better than me)

Also, I'm a big TARDIS girlie, she has somehow ended up being one of my favorite characters in doctor who, and the chinball era does so much fun stuff with the TARDIS!! Different writers take different approaches to the TARDIS, and how alive vs inanimate, or how active vs passive she is. I think the Chinball era had something special in terms of the way the TARDIS was depicted, and I loved it a lot. We never really get to see past the control room but it's a gorgeous control room! And throughout the era the TARDIS just feels so alive, it's always humming and beeping and chirping, I especially love the moments when the lights change color to match the doctors mood (mostly to blue, for sadness, sometimes red to yell at that dalek that one time). And speaking of the doctor, starting with ghost monument thirteen has a bunch of sweet moments of banter or just ~emotions~ with the TARDIS. I genuinely teared up a bit when she entrusted the timeless child memories to the TARDIS,and before her regeneration speech when she asked the TARDIS to look after her. Because who can she trust with her past AND her future except her oldest truest friend.

I could add a lot more of specific things from the era I love (solitract my beloved) but I think this is getting long enough as is lol.

[a-tale-of-legends]

ohhhh since you've been Bugsy posting, do you have any thoughts about him for your verse?

Outside of a pronouns change ( I believe I said they use they/them pronouns in my au but might change that to they/he?),not much atm! Though reblogging those bugsy posts got me thinking.

1) I genuinely did not know he stated he wanted to become a pokemon professor like Oak, which I think is amazing actually. I can already envision him and Beryl ( oc of mine) getting along great as researchers - especially with Beryl completing the pokedex. I think it would be cute if they formed a friendship.

2) Oh, technically this is something I've always thought: I've always seen him as the youngest of the Johto league: could never find an age that I exactly see him as. Either they're only barely older than Kenji and Aiko ( who's 10 during the HGSS stuff) or just in their early to mid-ish teens. But overall, I do see Bugsy as the youngest.

3) ^ following that point, I think he gets along well with everyone in the league - including Clair! Clair is a bit haughty, but I don't think she has it in her to really be her usual self around Bugsy's ever glowing enthusiasm and politeness. I think he's closest with Whitney and Falkner, by proxy that they are close by. Whitney more so bc Bugsy frequently goes to the bug catching contests.

4) in general, I want Bugsy and the other gym leaders in Johto to feel a bit more involved in the plot, especially given it's their region that's in danger (...."danger". Team Rocket isn't that threatening to me in the Johto stuff. Like....it's there, but the only person who's really reacting to them and doing anything about it is the player and Lance. Silver does shit lmao). It always struck me as odd that Bugsy didn't mention what TR was doing, so again he either wasn't there or he just doesn't care and I doubt it's that. When it comes to involving gym leaders, I get worried about "scaling", as in everything is handled by them and the protag doesn't get to protag ( and get traumatized lol we always gotta do that). But with Bugsy I'm realizing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the reason they have a metapod and kakuna during their gym battle is bc he was studying them right? Arguably his strongest pokemon would be his Scyther and even then, it's probably not enough to take on a bunch of grunts at once. So basically I'm saying he could get jumped lmao. Not to say he isn't a strong trainer - he is! I would Argue Bugsy is like. One of the Best bug type specialists around. I'm simply saying he was caught in a moment of being very unprepared. Or! It could have been as simple as him going " I can't risk leaving my post as a gym leader with team rocket around, could you go and handle this for me?".

So whether Bugsy was out doing research, got jumped, or simply asked the player to handle TR as he stays behind to look after his town,I do kinda see a semblance of self doubt in him? Especially with the first two options, I can see him feeling guilty for not being there/being strong enough or prepared enough to handle Team Rocket. God and I'm just realizing Bugsy is basically a prodigy - a gifted kid if you will. This pressure to perform at his best is probably weighing on him, only really overshadowed by the fact that they genuinely love bug types and researching them and just his general positive attitude. But ya know. He's a prodigy and probably has high expectations for himself, even if subconsciously.

Outside of what he could have been doing during the azalea town stuff in the Legendverse, I am not sure if he has further plot relevance. I can see him being called to Goldenrod bc he is one of the closest gym leaders in the area outside of Whitney - if there's still proper communications up, which I think there is. If I go with the " Bugsy got Jumped" route, then it would be a perfect time to show those rockets how powerful he really is~

But yeah! That's all I have for Bugsy, or at least what I can remember. Thanks for the ask, this was very fun!!

[anne-ominous]

loved your take on the barb and max dilemma in the fandom!! tysm i felt so validated lol! the internet was making me feel crazy!!

Like I am very clearly a ghoul simp.

I have always loved ghouls since the first time I played New Vegas, and Cooper is obviously my favorite character in the show, but like.

Just the way fandom has glommed on to him makes me so uncomfortable. Like I don't even dislike the Ghoulcy ship, but so much of what I've seen in fanfics so far reminds me of the old bad days in the Harry Potter fandom where you can't just ship characters, you have to DESTROY the the person being pushed as the canon love interest first.

My takes on this are all based on fanfics because I spent a lot of time reading them since I can't write for beans myself, so it bugs me more when I catch trends:

It's a little funny that this bashing is so blatantly done in a setting specifically centered around there being no such thing as black and white, and you're often presented with choices that simply don't have a "good" ending.

But like, the fandom reactions are tripping over themselves to either amplify and fetishize how evil The Ghoul can be or alternatively softboi Cooper tamed in a week by Lucy. Either way, it's a fuckfest all about them.

But for Max, it's all: "hey this kid who lost everything at a young age and was raised in a cult he believed to be his saviors, only to be abused and berated and shown the ugly realities of life in a short span of time just stood back and let this guy (who was gloating about how he was going to get him tortured and executed for 'incompetence' despite being the one to do all the hard work and save his ass) die instead of helping him, despite the fact in the games we reverse-pickpocket live grenades into NPC's pants for a fraction of the shit-talk and disrespect Max was getting, so he's clearly evil and doesn't deserve anything".

And for Barb I have literally seen like two fics that mention her as something other than a glorified plot point, or an accessory to turn Ghoulcy into a 3-way. And I can kind of understand her not being featured as much in present day fics since we don't have the answers as to where she is or what she did during/after the divorce, but nearly every pre-war fic that does have her in the character tags she's an afterthought being actively cheated on for AU Ghoulcy to happen. If she has any characterization in those fics, it's a one-dimensional corporate bitch who is not a good mother to Janey.

I'm sorry, the woman who was willing to sell her soul to keep her family safe and together doesn't care about her daughter as much as Lucy who just popped in as a babysitter or whatever? The literal Deal With The Devil for her family's survival is suddenly doing it all for herself?

Like, duh, she's wrong. We know the spoilers, and that whatever survival Vault-Tec was offering wasn't worth the blood on her hands for supporting them, but that's the whole fucking point? I've seen "burn the world down and kill everyone in my way for my family" types get venerated before in other fandoms, so it's weird why suddenly Barb is deemed uninteresting here.

And I've seen a lot of defensive posts from people about how it's simply a coincidence the OTP is an old white guy and the young white girl, but like, is it also a coincidence that so many of the shippers have suddenly regressed to character-bashing instead of multi-shipping in this specific scenario? That only the OTP get nuance and character studies, and thoughts behind their actions and motivations?

[mego42]

I 100% agree about wanting more fanfic lists! I honestly think it's the best way to get a variety. Everybody has personal preferences, if someone, who mostly reads long, fluffy au Brio fic, is making recs, they're not likely to mention short, angsty, canon Brio (which is understandable and fair!) so ideally someone else, who does like those, would also do recs. I'm pretty sure I've read or at least tried the vast majority of Brio fics, but the recs often make me re-read the fic and author.

YAAASSSS!!! I mean like, okay, I v much get why people have issues with rec lists, and I def do not by any stretch endorse the idea that recs/rec lists should be considered anything other than one person sharing a think they liked, but to me a lot of the issues (the same fics/authors getting recced, feeling like awesome fics/authors are going unrecognized) can be solved by more reccing, not less. everyone’s got different taste and different stuff they look/read for and I am extremely pro sharing that.

Idk, I think about it like this: in a previous internet life I was a YA book blogger and I lived and died by recs from other bloggers whose taste and preferences I knew. I mean, you know, I’d check out a book bc the premise sounded interesting but literally the first thing I would do was go to Goodreads and look for a handful of people who tended to like the same books I did and see what they were saying about it bc that was the best way to get a good idea of if I wanted to give it a shot. Or, on the flip side, there were some people whose reviews I followed bc I knew we v much did not read for the same things so if they hated a book for X, Y and Z reasons, I was probs going to like it (one thing about book blogging is if you want to keep current, you do not have a lot of time to mess around, snap judgements are key but that’s a whole other thing and idk if it’s even relevant anymore bc that landscape has changed so much). 

ANYWAY, the point is, I got in the habit and now I do the same thing with fic bc, tbh, I don’t have a ton of time to read, esp not when I’m actively writing which, with the exception of the last week or two, I’ve been doing p non-stop since I got here. All of which to say is, I am desperately in favor of fic recs for purely selfish reasons, I need them! Give them to me!!! Please!!!!!

That said, I uh, am v bad at returning the favor and I recognize that (I think I’ve made what? two rec lists for this fandom?) so I will try to do better to live by my own, idek what this is, moving on and here are 10 recs not really thematically linked by anything other than I’ve read them and loved them and don’t think I’ve put any of them on one of my rec lists yet (and if I have, my blog is a trainwreck I cannot be expected to remember what’s on it LET ME LIVE):

The Goodest Boy by EnsignDisaster

There’s a key turning in the lock and Buddy rushes over to greet his Master excited for her to meet his new friends. The door opens and he dances around Master’s feet rejoicing on the fact that she’s made it home. It's been literally forever.

“Hey Buddy what’s wrong? Need to go potty? Need to pee-pee?”

“Nah he’s good we took him out.”

Master does something very unMasterlike, she drops all the food she’d brought in on the ground and screams. It’s a non traditional avant garde type of hello…Buddy loves it. Mostly because while Master taps furiously on her small light box and sits tense in the corner opposite his new friend Buddy can lick up the egg smashed on the hardwood floor.

Buddy! The! Dog! POV! no further explanation necessary. Technically WIP, but it covers the whole pilot in a way that could be read as standalone (THOUGH THAT WOULD V MUCH GIVE ME A SAD though, when did the show forget the Bolands had a dog? so maybe that’s a tragic casualty of canon, idk)

May The Moon’s Silvery Beams by @pynkhues

Emma hums in agreement, and Rio turns her around to sit her on the counter, grabbing one of the older looking boxes of muesli while she kicks her legs out, heels bumping back against the counter, watching him. He gropes around the inside of the box, finally just opting to pull the plastic cereal bag out and peering inside. He can’t quite keep the grin off his face when he sees the wad of cash lining the bottom. This woman kills him, she really does.

Then there’s a little face peering up beside him, trying to peek into the box.

“What is it?” she asks, and he tilts the box sideways so she can see inside.

The upside to not getting here until s3 is that old fic is new to me! Huzzah!! Idk how many of y’all have already read this on but if you haven’t I highkey recommend. Extremely cute take on what if Emma woke up when Rio and came by to collect his/Beth’s/whoever's money during the shutdown. Cannot believe I’m reccing kidfic. Witchcraft!!!!!!

Maybe You’re My Fantasy by ohmisterjapan

He fucking loves the involuntary. It speaks to how he likes to unlock chaos and walk away. He's been called a control freak before and it felt like such a misunderstanding of him - he's all about self control but he doesn't want to control others. It's more that he enjoys revealing to them how little they can control themselves. It's more that he likes to stand still in the eye of someone else's storm and pick coldly through the wreckage.

Another oldie but a goodie. This fic is more like an extended character study (first chapter Rio POV, second chapter Beth) and I LIVE FOR THIS KIND OF SHIT. I really really really love the take on both characters, it really digs in and pulls out some nuances that made me sit and think about my own read of them and I love it.

A Shock Of Blue by mintletters16

“You don’t look very well. Would you… like me to get you a glass of water or something?”

Her voice is low but smooth, laced with a softness that cuts straight though to his core. Strawberry blonde locks fall gently just above the pair of magnets freezing him in place.

He can still feel the chaos tearing through his veins - emanating from the gold plated gun stuffed in his waistband - and suddenly he can’t be here anymore. Can’t meet this wide-eyed gaze that’s been locked on his for the past God-knows-how-long anymore.

Can’t see blue alive and concerned when he just left it cold and void somewhere in oblivion.

She’s looking at him like he’s on the brink of madness. He thinks maybe he is.

Apparently, it’s backlist rec day over here and I’m not sorry. This one is another technical WIP but the chapter works as a standalone (BUT if the author decided to return to it I WOULD NOT BE MAD). It’s a what if Beth and Rio met pre-canon and it works so!!! well!!!! The tension and fascination and build are all *chef’s kiss* plus the writing is gorgeous and lyrical and ugh, I love it.

for a moment we were strangers by openhearts

“We got stuff,” Rio motions with a nod to the backpack Beth hadn’t noticed when they arrived hanging on the back of one of the chairs at the island.

She swallows and turns back to the dishes, realizing Rio apparently means to sleep there , assuming the place isn’t bugged.  Or for some kind of cover story if it is.  She turns and fixes Rio with a narrow-eyed stare, studying his face, the corner of his jaw especially prominent from the angle she’s looking up at him.  He’s methodical about drying each dish and setting it back on the rack, maddeningly ignoring her hard stare, so when he goes to take the next plate from her hands she grips it tightly and gets his attention.

“Hey.”

“What you on about now?” he asks, irritated.

It gets her gut uneasy, how he’s just . . . there, settling in, in ways he never had before, no matter how nonchalantly he would let himself in through her locked doors.  

“This is,” Beth tries, failing, to find words for it, “. . . it’s weird .”

This one takes place post 204 and Rio and Marcus end up spending a long weekend staying with Beth and Emma for reasons (that work, for the record, I’m just not trying to summarize rn) and it’s domestic and cute but honestly my fav part of it is how weirded out Beth is by how easily they slip into sync. The story does an excellent job balancing where they are in canon (uneasy post-sex truce) with a snapshot of what they could be if they got over themselves (HA! as if) and Beth is DEEPLY FREAKED which makes her slow slide into realizing she could maybe sort of kind of oh shit like it/him??? that much more satisfying.

Not So Careful by @bensonstablers

When he doesn’t answer, her eyes go to his but he’s too busy watching the letter opener which is still pressed against the back of his hand. Curiously, Beth runs it up his arm, careful not to press too hard, and smiles a little as he shivers. Pulling her leg up onto the bed, she shuffles closer to him before pressing the tip of the sword to his chest and slowly circling his left nipple with it, being sure not to get too close.

“You ain’t gotta be that careful.”

And when she lifts her eyes to meet his, he’s got that look. The one that always makes a lump form in her throat and for her to fall back into bed with him without a single thought of what they have to do that day. Only thing is, this time they’ve got nothing to do for the rest of the weekend and well, staying in bed the entire time had seemed like an appealing idea so she allows herself to give in a little to that look.

It makes me EXTREMELY SAD that knifeplay ranked so low on the kink survey so I’m gonna need y’all to check out this V V V EXCELLENT example of it and come back and tell me you’re sorry and you voted wrong. I am v reasonable what are you talking about.

love (where it wasn’t supposed to be) by @lilliloves

"You know what I can't stand?" Rio asks, stepping closer. It's a rhetorical question but he pauses for a second and watches Dean sniff, watches a bead of sweat trickle down his forehead, watches him shift on both his feet as he contemplates making a run for it.

"A guy who don’t realize how good he's got it." Rio continues, looking Dean up and down in disgust. "A guy that will literally fuck up a good thing just to get his dick wet."

"Yeah, well I can't stand a guy who can have anyone he wants but chooses the married woman he's not entitled to.” Dean shoots back. "And I really can't stand the fact that you're always in the room with us even when you aren't there."

And who brings him into the room Dean hmmmmm????? Jk, jk (or am I). In this one Rio catches Dean out on the town with another woman (bc of course he is) and tries to call him out but whoops! gets called out himself. I really love the like, idk, undercurrent of wistful regret in this fic. I love Dean straight up calling Rio out on his feelings (spoilers but there’s an exchange right after this one that made me straight up holler), and, you know, obvs I am here for Rio making Dean feel like an ass. 

Hell Is Other People by makemanybraver

Rio: We're in Hell, Elizabeth! If you don't think you belong here, then repent! Don't fuck everyone in the room in hopes that you get to go out!

Beth: Why do I have to repent?!

Rio: Because you did some fucked up shit in your life, Elizabeth! You keep doing fucked up shit here, too! And you think you don't belong here!

Beth [screaming at the top of her lungs]: Because I don't!

This fic is existentially bonkers and I love it. It’s the kind of experimental format/homage/what have you kind of thing that I L O V E. Based on No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre, Beth, Rio, and Fitzpatrick are stuck together in a room in hell for all eternity. What more do you need, honestly.

Working On Things by odenkirk

Unknown Hold up, Elizabeth. I'm really thinkin about you here.

Beth turned her face into the pillow, effectively suffocating herself for a moment, but thinking it was a good trade off for the way the cool silk of her pillowcase chilled her skin.

She lifted her head to glance at the still sleeping Dean before replying.

Beth I'm thinking about you too. But this can't happen.

She wanted him to know she wanted him, but she also thought that admitting she was already there would save Rio from trying to convince her. She wanted him, but morals had to win just once in a while.

YES this is technically Beth/Dean while also being Beth/Rio BUT it’s also sort of Rio/Dean and I am HERE FOR THE DIVERSITY OF SHIPPING leave me alone who asked you.

Five Times He Knew What She Was Thinking, and One Time He Didn't by JoeyLee

Aight, so tell ‘em I was hittin’ it. Said deliberately blunt, eyes locked on her face the whole time, just to see those blue eyes widen. She looked so shocked that he almost laughed, so he softened it teasingly just to keep her going. Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart, tell ‘em we were makin’ love.

Then he just watched her, just watched her face, just fucking fascinated. Her lips were parted and her eyes were big as saucers, and…there it was. Before she could look away flustered, he watched the thought go through her mind. Him and her together.

He wondered what she was picturing or where. Them in the back seat, her bed, a motel?  Her on top or him from behind or his face between her legs?

Whatever it was, the blush started immediately, and he watched it bloom out from her cheeks to her hair. Then she was tearing her eyes away to gulp a little.  But it didn’t knock her down for long before she was looking back. And then, wait, was she actually asking him how to go about telling a fed they were fucking?

Okay this is another technical WIP but works as a standalone. I am absolutely fucking feral for character POV takes of canon scenes and this is a supremely excellent take on Rio POV of some notable scenes from the pilot through 204. Imo it brilliantly captures Rio’s voice and I love it a lot. 

HEADS UP I am absolute shite at tracking ao3 to tumblr unless people have specifically told me someone’s ao3/tumblr name SO if you recognize any of the non-tumblr authors on please lmk so I can tag them and YES I recognize that I am asking y’all to do things for me throughout this entire post and I’M SORRY OKAY I’M A WHOLE ASS MESS LOVE YOU BYE

[mvsas]

Flora's Chat, April 21, 2005 (4Kidz).

Host says: Good day everyone. Welcome to our second celeb chat session. This time around we have Flora from the Winx Club joining us.

Host says: Flora is here, she's just sitting down with her tea.

Host says: And here she is!

Host says: Welcome Flora.

Flora says: Hello!

Flora says: *Flora smiles waves hello

Host says: We're excited to have you here.

Host says: So I'll open the floor to questions.

Flora says: Thank you!

Winx_girl44 says: Hi Flora I have a question, why don't you have a boyfriend

Flora says: Ummm... (blushing) I guess the right guy just hasn't come along yet!

mg_winxclub says: Hi Flora! I'm your biggest fan! I have to ask you, what's your favorite flower scent?

Flora says: Hi -- ummm, well I really love jasmine, and plumeria

WinxGirl99 says: Flora, i see you have a tulip icon next to your name... What is your favorite flower?

Flora says: I really love gerbera daisies, and I love indigo moon blooms

Flora says: But really, I love all flowers

Queen Renee` Bridget 7891 says: Are you to be queen when you get 20?

Flora says: No -- I am a princess, but my parents still rule the realm.

Flora says: I hope they'll be there long after I turn 20

cutiepieangel_06 says: Flora who do u think is your best friend?

Flora says: Ummm.. well, I can't really pick a favorite -- I like all the girls of the Winx Club

Flora says: I room with Bloom though, so we might be a smige closer

winxNwitches says: Flora what witch do u dislike the most

Flora says: OHHHH -- I think Icy -- well, all of them are pretty bad -- I mean so much bad karma!

fashionfairy says: Flora, what does your planet look like?

Flora says: It's wonderful, and totally green in a lot of places

Flora says: there are lots and lots of different environments on the 5th moon

Flora says: something for every type of plant you can imagine

Txdancer says: so have you see a dragin

Flora says: Yeah -- they have them at Red Fountain, and we've gone to see the stables

lilbabygrl says: When did you first discover your powers?

Flora says: Oh -- I've had them since I was a baby -- everyonbe has them in my realm

winx777 says: which plant food would you MOST recomend for flowers and plants??????

Flora says: well, we have onein my home realm called Fizzle's

Flora says: but I don't think you have it on Earth

Flora says: So I think composted dirt is great, and eggshells in the plant water helps provide minerals too

fashionfairy says: flora, when is your birthday?

Flora says: Mar 16th

winxNwitches says: what is your fave color?

Flora says: I love green (and pink)!

lrb98 says: Flora,what's your favorite animal?Mines a lion!

Flora says: Ohhh -- I love all animals, but I really love dolphins , oh, and butterflies

winx-angel says: Whos your best friend?

Flora says: Umm, like I said before, I think I might be a weensy bit closer to Bloom, 'cause she's my roomie

Juliet says: What your parents names?

Flora says: Well, I just call them Mom and Dad ...

Flora says: And officially they are the High King and Queen of the 5th Moon of Marigold

TattooedPixie says: Flora, did you like to climb trees when you were younger?

Flora says: Of course -- You'd think I was half monkey! Tee hee!

Flora says: There are tons of trees that are excellent to climb in my realm!

winx777 says: I don't like climbing trees. I think it hurts them!

Flora says: Well, the ones on my realm can talk, and they don't mind

Flora says: as long as you don't break their branches, or scratch them.

Flora says: So I think it's alright if you ask them

mg_winxclub says: Have you heard from the Junior League lately?

Flora says: Yep -- I try to keep in touch

Flora says: They're always doing such great things for the Black Mud Swamp, so I'll visit from time to time

mg_winxclub says: That's great!

wiggels says: flora what do you like the best about alfea?

Flora says: I would have to say the other girls -- I mean, really -- they're what makes it so awesome

Mimi Imhotep Winxgirl163: Have you ever been to Earth?

Flora says: Nope- not yet , but maybe someday I can go

wiggels says: i wish i was a winx girl

mewichigotomboy says: whats your fave subject at alfea

Flora says: It's a lot of fun!

Flora says: Umm -- I would say, without a doubt...

Flora says: Potions, 'cause we get to use lots of herbs in class

Glam Gal: What's your fave thing to do in your free time?

Flora says: I generally like hanging out with my plants -- I adore taking care of them

Flora says: so I do that a lot

Flora says: and I love working on new potions to help them grow

Glittergurl says: does it feel weired to be a winx

Flora says: Not at all -- I mean, I have had Winx all my life, so I have never been different

Flora says: so it's not at all wierd to me

Flora says: I think it would be way harder for someone like Bloom

#1Flower says: How old were you when you first joined Alfea

Flora says: who didn't know she had winx

Flora says: Oh -- I was 16 when I started here

Chibi Naru says: Flora, may I ask you if you enjoy blasting things? -attempts the nice tactic-

Flora says: Well -- I kinda like it a little bit, but then I soemtimes feel bad about it after

Flora says: Sorry for the poor spelling -- I am a little nervous!

mg_winxclub says: Do you have a favorite holiday Flora?

Flora says: Earth Day -- and it's tomorrow

winx777 says: DO you LOVE spring?

Flora says: I do -- it's when everything comes out in bloom when realms have seasons

Flora says: apparently Tecna's realm doesn't have them

Josie says: do boys have wings

Flora says: I think there are some realms where they do

ShaRinee' says: When you get ready to fight do you fell nervous?

Flora says: Yeah -- I get really really nervous -- I think it would be better if we didn't have to fight at all

Flora says: I mean - everyone could just chill and talk it out y'know

Flora says: but that doesn't always happen

winxNwitches says: Whats your favorite food?

Flora says: I love anything organic! And vegatarian!

Flora says: oops -- spelled that wrong too sorry

mewichigotomboy says: what do you think of the message board

Flora says: I think it's wonderful!

Flora says: It's cool to check out what everyone has posted

Josie says: do you have a chrush on anyone at red fountin please try to answar

Flora says: sorry to say... no. I mean, I like the guys as friends, but right now, that's about it

Glittergurl says: do u like music

Flora says: Yeah I do! And there have been a lot of studies done to show how music helps plants grow

Flora says: -- so does talking to them btw...

Flora says: So I'm all for it!

flowersfall says: whats your favortie plant please answer

Flora says: I love lots of different plants -- but I really like a tree called the madrone

Flora says: I think it grows on Earth too --

Flora says: It can shed it's bark, and it has leaves that stay green all year long

winx777 says:

Catrina says: Flora, my back hurts and itches sometimes. Am I growing wings? I thought I'd ask you since your a farie.

Flora says: Ummm -- I'm not sure -- It never hurt when it happened to me -- I just got a tingling feeling,

Flora says: but if it hurts, maybe you should see your doctor...

Princesss says: i really like this flower called the periwinkle flower.it has a 99% chance of saving somebody fom cancer.i learned about it in skool.

Flora says: I heard about that too.... There are tons of plants that can help people in sooo many ways

Flora says: and we're just learning about all the wonderful, magical things they can do.

Zoey91 says: Was it hard to turn Merta into a girl from a pumkin?

Flora says: Yeah -- it took a long time and I had to concentrate harder than I ever had before

Flora says: I almost didn't think I was going to be able to do it...

Flora says: but I managed to do it

Winx_girl44 says: What would you give to your mom on Mother's Day?

Flora says: well, when I'm at home, I love to make her a garland of flowers and take her breakfast in bed.

Flora says: I know she gets all kinds of gifts, being a queen and everything, but she says she likes that gift the best

lrb98 says: what's your favorite type of tea?

Flora says: I love almost all herbal teas, and I really like licorice

Mimi Imhotep Winxgirl163: Do you like marigolds?

Flora says: I do -- I was just reading about them in my book!

Flora says: I think they are really special little plants.

Flora says: Did you know that most spieces of marigolds are edible? _ the flowers I mean

Flora says: Just be sure you know for SURE they are marigolds before you try eating them -- oh and make sure they're not sprayed

Zoey91 says: want is your favorite class and why?

Flora says: I Love potions -- and like I said before, I like it because we do a lot of work with herbs

IceAngel says: Do you have pestisides on your planet for your plants?

Flora says: No -- they're not allowed on my planet, we have different ways of controlling the bugs

Flora says: like letting lady bugs eat aphids

Glam Gal says: Do you think the girls on the message boards (And me) could have Winx>

Flora says: and that's part of your winx

winx-angel says: I really need help with choosing a flower for my mom's B-day...

Flora says: oh --- well -- roses are a wonderful way to say I love you, but a single stem orchid is great as well -- plus they last a long time when they are cut

Flora says: the orchids - not the roses, I mean

Josie says: flora,please answar me um i planted for get me nots what kind of music would they like please answar back asap if you can

Flora says: umm -- well, most plants seem to really like any type of classical music,

Flora says: but studies have shown they don't respond as well to hard rock (sorry all you hard rock fans!)

Host says: Just a reminder that Flora can't answer everyones question but she'll do the best she can.

uzma44 says:

mg_winxclub says: Sorry for asking so many questions, but I'm such a huge fan, have a Winx Club website and everything. I have to run, but I'm SOOOO HAPPY you were here today to chat with us! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flora says: Thank you -- and everyone for participating!

Flora says: It's so sweet that you like me!

Flora says: *Flora blushes

Glam Gal says: I'm moving to a new house soon... I;m gonna really miss my current house. Can you please help me stop my fear of missing my house? It's close enough to still stay in my current school so please no help saying good-bye, but can you help me not miss my current home?

Flora says: Well, I wish I could make you not miss it at all, but it's really natural that you do miss it

Flora says: but make your new home your own by decorating your room

Flora says: with stuff that you really love. Plant some new friends, then go outside, and try to make some human firends too.

Flora says: Hopefully you'll feel at home in no time. Hope that helps

lrb98 says: What's better-Tofu or pizza?

Glam Gal says: Thanks Flora! SO SORRY FOR SORTA BEGGGING!!! *Blushes even more*

Flora says: well -- tofu has more protein in it, and can be a really healthy choice (and it can taste pretty yum too!),

Flora says: but that's not to say I don't like a good slice from time to time

lilbabygrl says: Do you like your name?i really like it.

Flora says: Thank you -- I do too -- it used to be my great grandmothers name

Flora says: some people think it's old fashioned, but I like it

lilbabygrl says: do you enjoy Alfea?

Flora says: I do -- it's really a great place to be

Flora says: I learn tons of stuff in class, and most of all, I love my friends there

neonbluemoon says: hey flora my friend katie thinks yur the coolest shes upset cause her pc is broken so she cant talk to you do you wanna say anything too her?

Flora says: Sure -- I Katie -- sorry you couldn't come -- maybe see ya posting on the boards -- Peace out Katie!

lrb98 says: Do you like scary movies?I do!

Flora says: No -- they kinda freak me out -- so they're not my fave

Flora says: I'm more a romantic comedy type girl myself

friendsmagic says: Do you like learning new spells and stuff?

Flora says: Yeah -- I really like learning new stuff -- and you never know when something you learned might come in handy

Zoey91 says: has kiko eaten any of your plants?

Flora says: Yep -- Kiko is one hungry little bunny!

Flora says: He tried to eat my talking plant one time, and the plant screamed and nearly woke up the whole school!

Flora says: I decided it was best to plant him some carrots of his own

Flora says: That way he didn't eat mine!

penaazkhan says: Hi bloom

neonbluemoon says: flora if you liked a guy what would he be like?

Host says: Bloom's not here

Host says: That was two weeks ago. :)

Flora says: well, I would like a guy who was sweet and thoughtful

Flora says: And I guess I would prefer it if he liked nature too,

Flora says: Being cute wouldn't hurt either, but looks aren't everything

IceAngel says: What do you think of Riven?

Flora says: Umm.. sometimes he pulls this attitude, and I can't say I like that...

Flora says: but I've also seen him be ok too...

Flora says: so, let's just say I'm undecided

neonbluemoon says: flora i think yur so cool i like everything about you could you tell tecna i like her ALOT to?

Flora says: Sure I will, and thanks...

fashionfairy says: Flora, do you like fashion?

Flora says: Yeah -- I do like fashion, and I really like environmentally conscious stuff

fashionfairy says: I love your outfits the best!

Flora says: like organic cotton, and linen

lrb98 says: what's a lyrid meteor shower?

Flora says: oh -- that's a meteor shower - Lyrid is the name of it.

Flora says: Tecna says it's named after a greek goddess Lyra

Flora says: and there are tons of shooting stars when the showers are on

Flora says: Really beautiful to watch!

shiara says: do you think that the witches will ever leave Bloom alone?

Flora says: Gosh -- I'm really not sure.

Flora says: I really hope they will, but they really want her powers!

mewmewmint says: You are so smart, Flora! Especially about plants and flowers!

Flora says: thanks

shimmeringstar says: what is yor favorite type of music

Flora says: ummm.. I like a lot of stuff -- right now I'm listening to reggae

Flora says: I like it cause it's pretty up beat

Flora says: I find that helps me to stay optimistic

nicole2005 says: Why is the dragon fire is important?

Flora says: well, the dragon fire was the same powersource used by the Great Dragon, who created the magical universe

shiara says: Is there a Alfea Elementary school?

Flora says: No -- mostly people go to elementary school in their home realms

Flora says: they're too young to go to schools that are away from their parents

Flora says: and Alfea is a boarding school -- so you need to be older

Petti_Angel says: What would you do if one of your friends are in trouble?

Flora says: I would help them! I would do anything I could to help my friends

Winx_girl44 says: Do you like the theme song in your show? 'Close your eyes, and open your heart-'

Flora says: I do like that song -- because it really talks about what finding your Winx is all about

Flora says: you've got to trust and believe in yourself for good things to happen for yourself

Host says: Good questions everyone. Flora has to leave pretty soon. But we have time for two more questions.

shiara says: I am in my school musical and I am the lead opening night is tomarrow and I am so nervouse can u give me advice?

Flora says: That's fantastic!

Flora says: YOu'll be great -- I know you've probably practiced a lot -- so now you just have to believe in yourself

Flora says: you go girl! ( I hope you are a girl -- if not sorry -- you go boy!)

shiara says: thanx see you all later and I am a girl

Flora says: Good luck!

lrb98 says: What would you chose?-POwer or friends?

TattooedPixie says: Good luck Shiara and congratulations on getting the lead opening! You must really be great

Flora says: Hahaha -- Bloom said someone asked her that too -- and my answer is the same -- friends -- anyday of the week!

winx-angel says: Yep, good luck shiara!

Host says: Sorry everyone. I know you have more questions, but Flora needs to go now. It was a great chat session.

Host says: Thank you to everyone for coming and thank you Flora for answering our questions.

Flora says: Thanks everyone. It was really great being here.

Host says: I hope you can come visit us again another time.

Flora says: I was kinda nervous -- but everyone here was soo nice -- thanks

Flora says: Thanks a lot!

Flora says: *Flora smiles and waves goodbye

Host says: *Host waves goodbye.

Host says: Keep your eyes on the message board for further announcements.

Host says: We will have more celeb chats with others in the near future.

Host says: We hope to get Stella next time!

[babycommunist]

Censorship and the American Convert(s)

I have no data on this - only a handful of discussions and a handful of comments. But my personal experience unfortunately matches these reports, and given the state of our American Left this needs discussed. I've had a number of experiences where even the slightest hint of criticism levied towards any aspect of a current Communist Government results in a ban. There are 4 subreddits that I consider the natural "core" of the Reddit communist community - r/communism, r/communism101, r/socialism, and r/socialism101. Typically my response would be to delete my account in exasperation - and promptly hiding anything from those subs. It has greatly slowed and in fact harmed the emergence of my own class consciousness - and to believe a handful of Redditors over the years it stopped theirs entirely. Let's start with my most recent experience - one of which I finally remembered to screenshot. User u/cockchewer - uh, wow the names we pick when we think nobody important is watching - posted in r/communism about whether or not we were being lied to about North Korea.

There is a claim that this post was "brigaded". Allow me to show you what "brigading" was in their eyes - I'd been hovering around those 4 subs and others for some time:

Please notice the opening line "So listen, I want to believe in them as one of the few remaining Marxist states." THAT IS BECAUSE I CONSIDER MYSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST A MARXIST. Marxist economics was just correct - historical materialism is beyond fucking obvious. Again and again the dialectic holds true in its attempts to analyze an impossible to analyze world. I'm a *baby* Communist - I'm new - and I'm a *baby* Marxist - but I am still a Marxist.

And my willingness to criticize the lack of transparency in any state does not take away from that, not a single fucking bit.

This hardline attitude, this "you will agree with us on all or you are no true Scotsman" harshness, HARMS US. It sets our movement back. It was a factor in the disillusionment that set in in the post-Stalin Soviet Union - hard lines eventually take lives and impose suffering. (I may be making a slippery slope fallacy going from censhorship on Reddit to costing lives, but I maintain it's an accurate one in a world where non-Marxists and Marxists alike have at times massacred one another)

I reached out to the poster - they had an absolute right to know what answers were being hidden. They were asking a legitimate question - and it's one that many of us ask. I did however try to represent Marxism in a positive light still:

(the chemo makes parts of the body wear down quickly most days, hence my hands were bugging me)

Here's my point: THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT STUPID. THEY KNOW SOMETHING IS UP.

They see that they only get positive pro-team responses about NK of all places, that's truly suspicious.

And I've just spoken with too many people - somehow random people on Reddit - who've had similar experiences. In fact, I mentioned the above interaction on a comment in r/socialism101 and it was removed and I was threatened with a ban there as well. "Not a forum to vent your personal frustrations with another sub's rules" but the comment was in response to a relevant comment - and I stated I was still a devoted Marxist even though I was upset with the authorities in this case.

Americans on the whole - nor even in a majority - will likely never accept that kind of obedience, at least not from the Left. We hold "thinking outside the box" as a valuable and dear principle - we will not give that up, we can't. So we must learn to answer our questions truthfully - and when we do so Marxism emerges, and we don't need censorship for that.

All of this actually bothered me so much that I stopped studying and discussing Marxism and Communism and politics for some time. It was unfathomable to me, that I was called a non-Marxist simply for my statement that North Korea had a transparency issue.

And I'm predisposed towards this by financial strain and illness. I came back - but this would be all that some people in those vulnerable early questioning flip-flopping stages would need, to tuck tail and run like hell back into the easy answers offered by American capitalism.

In response - I've started the possibly hopeless and self-destructive mission of running r/communism_for_us_all - a place where you just won't get banned for observing the slightest valid criticism of a Socialist or Communist government. It might be a completely lost cause and it may blow up under the strain - but I'm into this, I need this, and I'm doing this.

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.