kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

New favourite cocktail; jelly baby vodka with this cute little pipette 😍😍😍 #revolution #vodkarevolution #cocktail #jellybaby #vodka #dayoff #shopping #bristol #pink #love

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Super bored after work; snapchat filters are way too much fun 🙈 #suicidesquad #thejoker #harleyquinn #icantwait #snapchat

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Let's see how this turns out! #mrblanc #teethwhitening

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

The past couple of days have been eventful, I had my first ever driving lesson! Also I got bored with brown so bleached my hair and today went for a couple of filling at the ol dentist, hence the evil two face kinda smile. I have work in 6 hours so I’m praying my mouth will get better soon 😂😂. I’ve been really looking forward to going to the gym as well but I came across a few hurdles, I always got self conscious and went home. It happened a couple of times and I ended up going to the gym in a hoodie to try and make me feel more comfortable, it worked but boy did I sweat! I then found this super cute too in newlook and its just made it so much better. I feel comfortable and relaxed and the design is cute as so 👍🏻👍🏻 Here’s to another good week!

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

That time again #makingmyselfhappy #gym #workout

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Thanks to Boomf for making our anniversary hot chocs delish!!

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

I went on a great walk with the parents #beach #seafront #sea #westonsupermare #sunset #coast #walk #fairylights #bridge

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

#glossybox arrived today! 🙈🙊🙌🏻 #beauty #girl #rosegold #makeup #skincare #haircare

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Mothers day

Every year this day gets to me. Every year I don't write anything as I'm never sure what to say. So here goes: Mum, It's been 8 years now, I still haven't accepted. I haven't accepted your alcoholism. I haven't accepted your neglect. I haven't accepted those 15 years where my life was always up in the air. I haven't accepted the memories. I haven't accepted my lack of childhood. I haven't accepted your passing. I haven't accepted the cause. I haven't accepted that any of it was even real, but simultaneously I haven't accepted that it wasn't. Or that it's over. That your gone. That your were here. That you will never be again. I've become such an amazing woman and you don't get to know that. All my years I will always partly blame myself, but don't get me wrong I know it was you. Step mum, If it wasn't for you I might not be here, I certainly wouldn't have a family or even know my family and for that I thank you. You have become more of a best friend and big sister than a mum just because my version of a mum is tainted. I feel to call you mum would be disrespectful to what was and what is. To place you next to her on the podium isn't an option, she will always be my mum, by blood, she will always be my guidance of the path to not follow, of the love to not throw out, and the lessons to not teach. You will always be my stepmum, the one who rescued my entire life and my fathers. The one who gave me a chance to become someone, to do something with my life and to be happier. The respect I have for you overwhelms me and I don't think I could find a suitable word to describe you that would be good enough. Our mothers shape our entire future and our beings so thank them. Today is the one day I let myself think about it, and today is the one day I look at myself with pride at what I've become. Mother's Day eh.

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Second induction at the gym. So far to go. #gym #weightloss #girl #nike

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Thoughts

My gym induction is tomorrow morning, thoughts?

Terrified.

However.. I’m sat here drinking gin, why? Because I’m bored. Thoughts?

Terrified.

Why am I sat drinking if I’m trying to be fit? Do I really care? Or am I just bored?

I think it’s mostly boredom but also addiction and habit, I work in a pub, I drink regularly, like really regularly. This is my normality, maybe I’ll get out if my pattern after a while but at this moment in time I have no ambition to slow it down, I’m young, I guess it’s what we do? I dunno.

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Helping myself

Today I joined a gym! I am absolutely terrified but I feel like I have to do things that scare me in order to move forward. I'm going to ring tomorrow to sort out an induction date and then reward myself by buying gym clothes...oops soz bank. I'm going to give myself treats for accomplishments from now on, to in courage myself to focus on the positives and also the treats will give me a further emotional boost 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻. Today I feel like I can beat this and be a better me. .k

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“I’m used to it.”

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Rant

What makes you able to think you can take the piss out of me? What makes you think you can use scenarios which you are aware hurt me against me?

So... As I mentioned I have been struggling socially in groups and situations. I feel inadequate, judged, ridiculed and overall I feel really really small. My best friend, yep BEST FRIEND, mentioned to me a comment I had said in awkward haste the other night at work and could see I regretted it and felt very bothered by this comment. After this he has mentioned it in front of my friends. WHY. Why if you know something hurt someone or bothered someone would you tell others? Why would you go out to hurt someone or make them feel so small? I literally hate it, I hate the way this feels. I've gone back to being the 16 year old who doesn't want to say a word as it may be used against her. Why. It just seems unnecessarily mean. If you know anyone who is bothered by something or is self conscious of something please don't use it against them or tell others if you're aware of it bothering them. It hurts. It hurts bad.

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

I feel sort of numb, delicate but also tough. Like every day is not quite real but also really intense. At work I’m in a sort of slump, it takes me a couple of hours to adjust and become comfortable and I feel like this is based on my weight gain. It has made my anxiety increase to the point where I don’t want to go outside unless I have to and I feel annoyed. The good news is I don’t like to wallow so I’m joining the gym with my boyfriend to become the best me I can be, and to feel good and confident again. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression long enough to know the best ways for me to combat it. It’s going to be tough as I’m sure I’ll feel out of my comfort zone every second and from past experiences the anxiety is going to win some days and I won’t make it out but that’s OK. I’m fighting this every day and I’m a lot better handling it than I was when I was young. This isn’t new to me I’ve suffered for as long as I can remember but that doesn’t make it easier, it just helps me accept it as part of me.

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Sorry

It's been a weird week, I haven't done anything productive and I've been in a bit of a hole. I've received my glossybox starter pack so I'll be putting that up as well as my zelf soon! But first me, I feel guilty about it but I want to change, I'm completely torn within myself as I'm a firm believer with being yourself and no one should ever change but lately I've been in such a depressive state I don't know. My anxiety tells me everything I'm doing is wrong, I'm talking too much, too loud, I'm too annoying, I'm too weird, I'm not funny, I'm trying too hard, noone likes me, everyone thinks I'm strange. I haven't felt this way in years and I'm worried I'm going to go back to being a quiet sheltered introvert which is the opposite of what I want. But I don't want people to be annoyed by me. My head is a complete warzone between not caring and feeling stupid simultaneously, I could ramble for hours but I don't think it would help, I just want it off my chest.

[kelly-may-and-her-ukulele-blog]

Been a bit busy this last week with valentines and all but.. my Birchbox arrived!! This is not only my first Birchbox but also my first monthly box (although I’ve just subscribed to glossybox too hehe) SO I was a bit nervous as to the contents however I am pretty happy with this box, the makeup brush itself is worth it, it’s super soft and looks absolutely beautiful so very happy!

With Birchbox you fill out and update a ‘profile’ so they can custom your box to your needs! For example if you have dry hair (me) or pores (also..me) or just the type of products you would enjoy to receive. I received some balm to prevent red breakouts and some hair serum to help with my mop, I will say that the hair tie and nail varnish is not for me though as I’m a lover of the new spiral hair bobbles so I’d be breaking my vows and the nail varnish really just isn’t my colour. I will put more details into my next post about the items itself, with brands and prices when I have tried them, off to work now, zelf unboxing will be posted tomorrow hopefully. .k.