#I know this is a normal thing but I’ve never rly had to do it before ??

[bibleofficial]

LOSING IT !!!!!!!! but at least i got the critters 🐟🦐🐌🐜

[garoujo]

✩ ˛˚ . FUSHIGURO MEGUMI — it’s beginning to get colder in the mornings, so now your boyfriend is trying to steal your body heat.

ஜ ˖ ࣪࿐ྂ warnings! aged!up megumi, f!reader, handjob, he’s grumpy :< it’s been so long since i’ve written him! ♡ ˖ ࣪࿐ྂ note! i bring you more writing, i’ve been v prepared this week with having some stuff done .. that break rly did me good <3

it had become colder in the mornings, you realise as you wake up to your boyfriend megumi wrapped up in you — closer than normal as his chest rests flush against your back. you can feel the cool chill on his fingertips as they squeeze at your skin and you shudder slightly when the comforter falls off your shoulders as you move.

“‘gumi~ you’re freezing.” you whine as you nestle yourself back into him, feeling him grumble with the way your voice wakes him up — unruly dark hair falling over his gaze as he sends you a grumpy, sleepy look.

“it is freezing.” megumi mumbles into the pillows before his eyes close again, trying to hold you still in the hopes you’ll go back to sleep but it’s all in vain when you roll around to look at him a few moments later.

“so, you’re making me colder!” you frown at him as he lays still, eyes closed but you know he’s awake when his brows furrow after a few more seconds and he grumbles once more.

“yeah, cause you’re warm. stop staring at me.” you roll your eyes at that before you nuzzle yourself back into him, letting yourself enjoy the few peaceful seconds of his dwindling body heat before you sigh once more. you’re pretty sure you feel megumi twitch with irritation when he realises you’re not going back to sleep, trying to hug you tighter in the hopes it’ll lull you.

“you’re so grumpy.” you giggle again, knowing fine well that your boyfriend was never really a morning person and he actually looks at you with that one. there’s a pout on his lips and his pretty features are already frowning when he lets his eyes finally flutter open to glare at you— although you think he looks cute when he’s still messy from sleep.

“no, i’m cold.” megumi grits before he sighs, deliberately grabbing the comforter and pettily turning to face the other way, wrapping himself underneath the warm blanket like he doesn’t know you’re gonna hug in behind him.

you give him a few seconds of peace before you push closer once more but you remain silent this time, not only are you bored now— you’re still cold, but you seem to have been struck with an idea that could help both of this things.

you press your chest against the bare skin of your boyfriend’s back before you let your arms loop around his waist, feeling him tremble slightly as your fingers press featherlight touches up his toned abdomen. as grumpy as megumi was, he couldn’t deny how much he loved your touch— already feeling him push back into you with every warm press of your hands.

you stay like this for a few moments, until he’s relaxed and his guard is down— breathing mellowing out slightly, that’s when you act. you make sure it’s swift, the way you push your fingers down the waistband of his sweats, squeezing languidly at the semi-hard bulge of his cock as he almost jolts in your hold.

“h-hey, what’re you doing?” megumi gasps but you think it sounds more surprised than it does angry, he’s definitely awake now— you can tell with the slightest squeeze of your palm along the length of him, feeling him twitch completely hard so quickly until you can wrap your fingers around him completely.

“warming you up. my hands are warm, right?” you tease and you hear your messy haired boyfriend click his tongue before his attitude melts with your next stroke, making him shudder against you as his hand wraps around your wrist— but you can tell he really doesn’t want you to stop.

“so.. yeah but, shit—“ megumi’s hips stutter with the next languid pull of your wrist, biting on the inside of his cheek in the hopes it’ll help to muffle the needy sounds that you’re already pulling from him so easily.

it only takes you a few more moments to find a pace, one that has him arching into you, throbbing in your hold and chasing every languid squeeze of your palm as he rocks into your fist. his lips part to pant while his fingers squeeze desperately at your skin and you can already feel the pre-cum smear along the inside of his sweats. you give him a lidded look from over his shoulder, noticing the flush blooming along your boyfriends pretty features and you think it’s cute the way he avoids your gaze while you pump his cock so desperately.

fushiguro megumi wasn’t a morning person, but he sure was sensitive..

© 2023 GAROUJO. please do not copy any of my layouts or writing and translate or repost onto any other sites.

[real-life-cloud]

text messages are scary …………………

[samyanggs]

“I’ve rejected affection.. for years & years..”

Prompt:buddha, thor, jack and some other character telling Reader theyre pretty After Reader has rejected affection for years b4 Meeting them ans They don’t know how to respond so they just say that he(thor, buddha, jack and some other) that Theyre pretty too?

Characters are slightly ooc sorry for that, they/them or you for reader (mostly you), the “some other character” will be revealed for you to see later (this is rly js an excuse so I can figure out who to write) requests are open and please tell me someone gets the song reference in the title I think I’m smart for it 😭 my first time writing thor so sorry for ooc

Warnings: non other than obvious favoritism (from me)

Buddha

Buddha didn’t get why you seemed so confused over affection. He figured someone as nice, kind and cool as you would be used to affection. He soon found out why you were confused about affection later once you had opened up to him and ever since then he’s been showering you in affection. He found your reactions cute whenever he complimented you or showed you any type of affection. This time was no different than all those other times. He enjoyed teasing you about your confusion a lot. “You’re pretty.. you know that?” He said, a hand stroking your hair while you both were cuddling. He looked down at you on his chest expectantly. He loved seeing your reactions whenever he complimented you, it was adorable. Though he wouldn’t say that out loud.. not until you get comfortable and used to the affection he gave you. You however, reacted the same like you always did, confused on how to respond and blushing. “You’re pretty too..?” You responded unsure of what to say. His eyes widened slightly. Out of all the things he thought you would say he never thought that would’ve been your answer. Snapping back to reality, he grinned, “thanks” he said pulling you closer to him.

Thor

He may be a stoic person, always bored and uninterested but there’s a reason why he chose you to partner with. And that’s because he loved you, truly. He was happy when you guys finally got together. However the both of you were not good with affection. Thor decided that they were going to shower you with affection every time he could, after you told him about why you weren’t used to affection or knew how to show affection, after all he was your partner. Who would he be if he didn’t at least try to show and shower you with affection. This day wasn’t that different, you and him were peacefully doing your own thing while close to each other, silent but calm and pleasant. You were both often liked basking in each others presence rather than going on a date. “You’re quite pretty.. don’t you think?” He said breaking the silence looking up from his book to look at you. He watched as you froze, unsure on what to say or do. He watched as your face became tinted with pink. He huffed out a small, silent chuckle. You looked up at him looking at him in the eyes. “You’re quite pretty as well..?” You said confused and unsure about what to say or do in this situation. Thor, however, felt blood rushing to his face, tinting his normally pale skin a tint of pink. He mumbled out a thanks and got back to reading his book, flustered. You chuckled at his reaction before going back to what you were doing.

Jack The Ripper

Jack wasn’t bothered by your lack of affection. In fact he asked you about it and asked if you were okay with it. He sat you both down for tea and asked you about it. He partnered with you for a reason, he held you dearly in his heart. Whenever he complimented you, your colour showed one of discomfort and confusion. He didn’t want you to leave him, so he did what he thought was right. Asking you about it and making your boundaries clear for him to follow. He disliked the colour of discomfort on you. It certainly didn’t look nice on you. However, once you told him why exactly you didn’t know how to respond or react to his affection., he understood and tried his best to make you as comfortable as he could manage. He showered you with attention and affection everyday since that day, hoping that once he complimented you enough, you’d get used to the affection and wouldn’t have that colour on you again. Today wasn’t any different than the other days. “You’re rather pretty don’t you think dear?” He said, while he combed your hair. He enjoyed times like this because he could get close to you and you both could spend time together. He must admit he’s rather clingy.. but that hasn’t been a problem for either of you rather enjoying it. He combed through your hair while looking at your face. He felt you tense as a colour of embarrassment and confusion washed over you. he smiled softly, treading through your hair with the hairbrush waiting for you to relax. “I think you’re rather pretty too..?” You admitted softly, unsure of what to say but saying what you said truthfully. He stopped brushing your hair to look at you fully. He didn’t expect that from you.. but he’ll still treasure it in his heart. He continued brushing your hair smiling softly. “Thank you, dear” he said, putting the comb down. “I’m done now” he said, you hummed in response. Getting up and giving him a kiss on the cheek before leaving towards the kitchen to prepare some tea for the two of you leaving a flustered Jack in your shared bedroom.

Sasaki Kojiro

Surprise its Sasaki it’s my first time writing him too, sorry for ooc!

He helped you get comfortable and used to receiving affection after you told him about your past and why you weren’t sure on how to react to receiving affection from others or knowing how to show affection to others. He taught and helped you get used to showing and receiving affection. He told you everything you needed to know about showing affection. Due to you being unused to showing affection it took a while but sooner or later you got used to it. Not only that but you were also clingy, always being close or near Sasaki made you happy and who was he to ruin that? He loved showing you affection. While you two were together, you watching him train and him training, he always made sure you had everything you needed. “You know. You’re very pretty” he said in the middle of training. You were surprised. You didn’t expect him to say such a thing at a time like this.. but it was him anyways the man who beat Poseidon. He continued training unfazed by what he just said. You didn’t know if he thought he said it to himself or if he meant for you to hear it. “You’re pretty too..” you muttered, mostly to yourself but he heard it which was expected, you were looking out the window unaware on how Sasaki had stopped training. And was now looking at you, a light tint of pink colouring his face. “Thank you” he said softly before going back to training, flustered and shocked. You looked at him before chuckling a little going back to what you were doing.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi so I’m 15 and in a relationship for the first time so I don’t have experience with any of this stuff. My partner and I have been doing sexual stuff for a few months now I just have some questions.

First, I was wondering how we can do sexual things in a way that doesn’t bother other people in the house. Like maybe that’s a dumb question and the answer is just be quiet but idk it’s hard bc my partner is very vocal. Also there’s very few opportunities to do stuff without anyone else home so that’s not rly an option.

Also my parents have been very weird about my relationship with my partner. Making lots of odd comments such as “i wonder if they’re having sex up there” (to my brother who is a *child*) and giving me lots of looks that just kind of make me feel really bad about my relationship. I know that sex is natural but they make me feel really bad about it and I could use some advice on what to do about that

Next, my partner and I are both interested in getting in to kink but I don’t really know how to go about it. I’ve never heard of people getting into that stuff as minors and we don’t want to do anything too crazy especially since we don’t really have access to any supplies.

You’ve definitely talked about this before but could you tell me what kind of protection is best and easiest to use and obtain for f/f sex. School didn’t teach me how to use anything other than a male condom.

Thank you so much. Sorry for asking so many questions

hi anon,

your first question is going to be pretty circumstantial; I don't know what the layout of your house is like or how realistic it is to wait for privacy. the ideal if of course to wait until everyone else is either asleep or out of the house, but I recognize that the former may be difficult if not impossible for someone your age and you've already said the latter is hard to come by. using other noises, like music or TV or white noise, can be helpful, although it's unlikely to prevent your parents from speculating.

to address your second problem most directly, I'm afraid there's no much that I personally can do to rectify that. it is unfortunately very normal for parents to have an anxious, awkward, and difficult time adjusting to their children becoming sexually curious. I think the most crucial thing to remember here is that this has nothing to do with what you're doing being gross or wrong, and most everything to do with how your parents were raised to think about sex. unless they have specific concerns they want to raise with you about sexual safety, their reactions are most likely coming from a place of discomfort that they don't know how to channel appropriately. that's not a shortcoming on your part, but on the people who failed to help them develop a better way of understanding their own feelings about sex - and, yes, on them for how they're handling those feelings now.

I'm unsure exactly what you're interested in exploring, since kink covers a very broad array of activities and "supplies" could mean almost anything, but I would definitely recommend an abundance of caution in your explorations. kink is great, but that doesn't mean it's easy for for everyone. there's a reason that you seldom hear of people your age getting into kink, which is that it generally requires a great deal of practice with navigating partnered intimacy and communication - something that few teenagers have had time to develop the skills for. kink is also something that many people find works best as a communal activity, by finding others to help introduce them around and sharing experience to help safely explore their fantasies; for obvious safety reasons, few kink spaces are looking to admit 15 year olds. by all means, do your research - Evie Lupine's youtube channel is a great place to start, with a backlog of hundreds of videos covering all kinds of kink-related topics - but be careful with how you act on it, and recognize that kink comes with more potential complications and risks than "vanilla" sex that cannot be taken lightly.

if both parties have vulvas and vaginas then you can use dental dams for protection during oral sex, latex or nitrile gloves or finger cots to cover hands/fingers, and external ("male," although there's nothing inherently gendered about them) condoms for any penetrative toys (or cut them down one side to flatten them out and make the aforementioned dental dams).

please don't apologize for asking questions! questions are how you learn and stay safe :)

[eurydicees]

so i’ve had a night to sleep on it and a full day of work and i still feel fucking deranged. so. thoughts on the haikyuu movie (*SPOILERS* + long post under the cut):

ok general impressions first—

oh my god it was so good. i’m inconsolable. it was really really good.

i was so strong and normal in the public movie theater until the start of the third set.

at which point i started trembling violently.

which turned to silent crying at the last like five points until the end of the movie.

i’m so sorry to the one other guy sitting in my row.

Anyways. i know we were all apprehensive abt it being a movie but i think it actually worked really well

pacing was good and iirc they managed to fit almost everything in there, which. is very impressive

plus the experience of getting to watch this game all at once in a theater was really fun

HUGEEEE props to the sound editing team oh my god. i could FEEL every spike in my chest and every breath was tangible and the cheering sections were phenomenally mixed and the squeaking of sneakers on the floor throughout….and then the CRAZY moments of pure silence…….man.

AND THE SOUNDTRACK. THE MUSIC. THE MUSICCCCCCC. there is one thing haikyuu will never do and that is miss with the music. oh my god even just the OPENING had me shaking. the music added SO MUCH and was SO well done.

the animation in general was REALLY good. especially that final point of the game which i will mention more later bc man. god. the animation was REALLY GOOD.

the characters were all so well done. like yeah ofc but. they were so good.

i walked in with an already deep love for nekoma and i walked out feeling like my heart had burst with how much love i have for them

kuroo and kenma in particular were REALLY good. there was a good amnt of childhood kuroken and when i tell you i was sobbing for half of it…

also very good was tsukishima!! he’s not one of my faves usually but he had me silently screaming in the movie theater during this game

and OF COURSE hinata. how could i not mention him. he was done so well. i watched it dubbed and the voice acting was VERY good.

no fukurodani game so. Sad. but also i do think if they had put that in there it would have broken the tension in a bad way, so i’m not actually upset about it. praying for an ova or smth

overall good blend of memory/flashback and realtime gameplay

re: flashbacks--a lot of them were to childhood kuroken and a lot of them were also just to training camps and scenes we've seen before but in a different pov....biting down on things rn

re: gameplay--saw some review that was like "gah they expect you to care about the characters/teams already and dont tell you who to root for" bitch YEAH and that's the POINT ! so yeah. if you care about the characters already and love both teams. *chef's kiss*

besides that they did NOT pull ANY punches. the game is REAL from the FIRST whistle, maybe only 10-15 minutes in

which like. that was the only way to do it. and they did not fucking hesitate

some stand out moments for me, in no particular order—

*disclaimer i have a rly bad memory so if im mixing some moments up i apologize. you shouldn't take this as an official source for anything.*

oh my god the last point was done BEAUTIFULLY. it’s already such an insane way to end the game and i swear the movie was just as insane.

they did the last few minutes of the game through kenma’s eyes, so you’re seeing his pov of the court and the ball, and that glimpse of the practice match moment, until the ball slips and it cuts to his eyes. oh my god. i went crazy i went crazy i am STILL going CRAZY.

kenma falling down and “that was fun” going into kuroo’s laugh……………changed LIVES !!!!!!

similarly, kenma’s last speech of the game oh my god oh my god oh my god

we KNEW it was one of my favorite speeches in any manga ever but they genuinely did it justice. the cuts between shots of the court and kuroo inviting kenma to play volleyball and kenma following him out the door and leaving behind a video game controller and a volleyball magazine……what if i went crazy forever and ever and ever !!!!!!!!

ALL of the childhood kuroken moments…..literally feeling deranged about them

TSUKISHIMA SOMETIMES ITS ACTUALLY FUN !!!!!!

everything about tsukishima and kuroo’s banter across the net was incredible

tsukishima laughing...... im EMOTIONAL !!!!

all of the little glimpses and montages they had to training camps and practices outside of actually playing, when they were just hanging out……sir im crying !!!!

they all reminded me a lot of the special one shot where kai has that moment of reflection on his volleyball career but all that came to mind were the breaks where he was hanging out with his friends…..i’m gonna cry thinking abt it.

HINATA’S CENTER BOOM JUMP. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. i think i actually like. gasped. <<< knew it was going to happen

OOOOOOH. when kenma has his panic moment of oh what do i do and then kuroo comes up and it flashes between that spike and them learning to spike together as kids……what if i went ballistic right fucking now

the “we are each other’s teacher” moment jesus fucking christ. they didn’t say that line but. you’ll know it’s that scene when it happens. i think it broke something inside me.

that might've been around when the tears started coming but it's all kinda a blur lol

kurodai hug. yeah.

after the game kai's im glad i spent these three years with you...felt that scene in my bones

kenma "keep surprising me, shoyo. this is good" << lines that will live in me forever

getting to see kenma and hinata's first meeting again but from kenma and kuroo's pov.......killing biting kicking maiming sobbing

lmfao post-credit scene. daishou <3

the glimpses of tendou and goshiki watching together were rly funny. obsessed w tendou as always.

kenma "i thought kageyama would lose interest in hinata if he had no wings" kozume vs tobio "i will make you fly" kageyama.........showdown of the century

THE CAGE IMAGEERYYYYYYYYYY. THE CROW BREAKING FREE. IM NOT NORMAL ABT IT.

oh my god. fuck ok i can't forget this one, in that final “i never want this to end” scene youre in kenma’s pov and you fall down and all you can see is kenma’s reflection in his own sweat dripping onto the court i am SHAKING remembering it

speaking of, they wove the foreshadowing w the sweat on the court and the ball etc into the game really seamlessly and aghadlgkjahg;ajdgfkal. god. ok. this is fine.

anyways. the animation in that sequence goes SO HARD. the animation overall goes so hard. im in hysterics.

ok this got long but there's DEFINITELY more things that im missing...idk these are just my first thoughts. i want to see it again. i NEEEEED to see it again. oh my god i feel crazy. i love haikyuu so much. i love it so much. like so much. did you know i love haikyuu.

[voiceofsword]

hiii can i ask you about cannibal niki?? what ya think bout him?? (in theory, where Niki's parents were the ones who 'ate fish' in the cult of Shinkai!!) and if ya open to request can i see a lil rinniki kiss?? on cheeks or something like dat just a smol doodle🤲 (AND SORRY ABOUT MY ENG IDK HOW TO WRITE😭)

hello anon! putting this behind a readmore again bc it might be a little long (it is) but i assure you the doodle is at the end of the post! sorry if i sound at all hostile during any parts of this post i tried to look back and change the wording for a lot of things, but like that other long ass rinne post i made it's smth i feel very strongly about! 🙇

i’m gonna keep it real with you, i’m not particularly fond of that headcanon! i feel like i’ve mentioned it before, and i respect anyone who likes it, but i see it as sort of edginess with no concrete basis besides gags and a crucial main story scene (that i think disproves it), therefore i don’t rly like talking about it or discussing it. i’ll go on to explain where i think the origin for this headcanon lies, bc while i do think it’s something that can be extrapolated from the story, it’s not necessarily the “truth” behind niki’s parents, or him being a cannibal, or anything like that.

in the main story chapters 136-140 eichi goes on to explain crazy:b’s weak points: if worse comes to worst, alkaloid can use these points against them to take them down. in 139 specifically, eichi says that niki himself is hard to exploit — but they can use his father’s infamy to their favor. niki’s father was a famous chef known for his cooking tv programs. he had a period of popularity which was quickly ended when rumors were spread about him using human meat during one of his shows, and thus he was sworn to never be on tv again. 

you see, it’d be perfectly reasonable to assume niki’s father is a cannibal if eichi said this in all seriousness. however, taking context into account and how during this and the previous chapters eichi is going out of his way to make crazyb sound as bad as he feasibly can, it shows that this is their last resort and that the smear campaign needs to WORK. ES needs to make crazy:b look as bad as possible to make them give up. also eichi is kind of known for making his speech grandiose and generally making things sound more severe than they actually are, this is enstars 101. and even so, eichi himself softens the claim immediately afterwards, saying that these accusations were made at a time when tv stations were trying to get the idol industry back on its feet — they made that up, because they wanted to make sure there was no competition on the same network! and he follows that up with saying “yeah lol that’s pretty normal in this industry”. 

i won’t make any mention of the shinkai cult here because there rly is no ties except for…the cannibalism, i think? i also feel like what kanata talks about in meteor impact addresses something that may or may not have happened a long, long time ago, and at a very dire time rather than something reoccurring — and i doubt niki’s parents were even alive. i havent seen this spoken about anywhere else so im not sure where you’re coming from, sorry anon :( 

that aside, niki also seems to be at least somewhat aware of what happened, and the ramifications it had on his own life. you have to understand, niki’s parents left the country when these allegations started popping up, and niki’s been on his own since then — niki’s not stupid. if his parents didn’t tell him, he pieced it together himself. he knows what happened, and generally makes light of the situation and having to live on his own because that’s just how he is; these events have helped shape how niki is, on a fundamental level. but all of that aside, he more than anyone knows that his father would never do something like that, that all of it is baseless lies made to hurt him:

when i say these things shaped him, i mean that the incident has made him feel like, regardless of whether the allegations are true or not, his father caused a lot of trouble to many people. niki idolized his father — and seeing this happen to him, niki is left to think that he, too, is bound to cause people problems, both bc of this, and his constitution. he makes it a point to be like i don’t want to be like my father, again, not because of the cannibalism, but because the whole ordeal had very lasting repercussions on niki, on their family, perhaps even for any chef that might’ve pursued a similar career path to his father. i find it hard to believe that it was a one and done type thing; tabloid news and everything. he probably had his name run through the mud. 

niki consciously tries to not make trouble, he laughs off his insecurities, he tries not to take up too much space, even now. gotta keep his image clean but it's also like. obviously hes not really going out of his way to expose himself and be in the culinary world more than he needs to. he carries the weight of knowing his family name is taboo so that just kind of bleeds onto how he perceives himself and what he does — that coupled with his condition makes him feel like he deserves the bare minimum. bc of these things happening, i can also imagine his parents drilled the idea into his head before they left — to not cause trouble for others if it’s the last thing he does. kind of on the nose, niki does mention during one of the flashbacks that his father told him human meat is the one thing he must absolutely never do. which is like. well, yeah

also (tapping mic) part of the reason rinne causes so much trouble for him is because he wants niki to see that it’s ok to cause trouble for him back — that if niki goes out of his way to do stuff for him, even if begrudgingly, rinne can pay him back in kind. one of rinne’s main drives is that he wants to be able to dismantle this idea niki has in his head that he’s less deserving of good things because of his past, and his body. i’d even go as far to say that it’s an integral part of their relationship and both of their characters. um anyways

people are allowed to think or portray him however they want, of course, but i think saying that his father is a cannibal and thus niki is a cannibal too feels like completely dismissing parts of his character for the sake of making this otherwise “wholesome” person be more 'edgy' and perhaps aligning more to their tastes. i can’t police how people perceive him but i think a lot of where this stems from is wanting to have a character to project specific aesthetics onto, latching onto small bits of his story and lines without really looking at the full picture. 

niki tries so hard to be someone who can move past these allegations and still struggles with thinking that he can do what he likes lest he be like his father, so, idk. i personally don’t like to engage w/ or see these interpretations. to each their own!

also as to why niki makes jokes about eating people and it’s somewhat a recurring gag with him: well personally i think he’s just a little weird. it’s done in a cutesy playful way like "omg u smell so good i could eat you right up!" and its more like... a compliment. (esp coming from him w his rly good sense of smell and taste) yeah its joking abt eating ppl but not joking abt cannibalism itself its all theoretical eating. (have u never joked about wanting to eat someone up…or wanting to bite ppl.. i think it’s kind of like that. it’s just that they juice him for the bit)

also to thank you for your patience. here’s the doodle ♡

[fuck-customers]

💋had a customer today insuate that I’m a racist simply because I greeted her. It’s hilarious honestly bc me and one of the cool leaders were talking about ppl pulling the “you’re just profiling me” card for any and everything, even if they WERE actually up to no good. I’ve seen it happen to several of my leaders and coworkers but it’s never happened to me til now.

And it happened literally as me and that leader were still talking. She walked in, and since I was speaking with him, I just gave her a quick “welcome!” She just kinda mumbled an acknowledgment but didn’t rly return my greeting, but whatever right? Well my leader goes off to do his own stuff, and so I take the time to actually greet her the way I normally do with customers (“hello welcome to ******* did you need help finding anything today? No? For sure, whenever you’re ready just meet me at the counter to check out!”). She is again kind of rude and acts like me greeting her is just the weirdest thing ever. Again, I just say whatever and keep doing my job like normal.

I then take a few laps around my store (bc if I stand in one spot too long I can get in trouble and am automatically blamed for any theft in the store) and I passed by her exactly one time. Tbh I wasn’t even rly perceiving her, I was just pacing around and picking at my fingernaiks while totally zoned out. One time I walked past her and I didn’t even say anything but I guess that was enough to set her off. She sees me walking past and just loses it. She gets all huffy and starts going on about “you are hovering way too much. I don’t need this. You didn’t do this with the other people. This is just too much and I don’t need this, I’m leaving.” Like… bestie, I’m literally just doing my job. I haven’t treated you any different from how I treat literally every other customer to walk in here. And the people she was talking about was a group of kids that poked their heads in the store and then immediately left. I’m also a POC myself so this just makes it doubly stupid. I wonder too if I hadn’t greeted her, would she still pull the racist card and say I didn’t say hello to her because of her race? God like obviously I know racial profiling is real issue especially for African American people, but this was so clearly NOT that that I’m truly astounded how this woman can actually think i was being racist against her. Just doing my fucking job makes me a bigot I guess…?

Posted by admin Rodney.

[possibilistfanfiction]

Hi, may you please spare some advice on what casual, but also cool in a hot climate, clothing a baby butch could look into wearing that’s a bit fashionable and isn’t just a shirt and a cargo shorts?

whew first of all donate any & all cargo shorts immediately (pretend tan france is telling you that Urgently). i do understand finding shorts can be kind of weird depending on ur body shape bc men’s shorts are often bulky & long. i prefer a 5’ inseam, but you can go for a 7’ if that feels better. under No circumstances should ur shorts hit ur knees lol. madewell has some pretty good options (if you can find one that’s mens & womens in-store that’s the best). pacsun usually has some pretty chill options. for online shopping, bearbottom shorts is not too expensive & has a lot of colors in both 5’ & 7’ shorts. i really like the swim shorts both& just made (not sure if they’re sold out). get lighter colors in the summer if you want for shorts, & just… no khaki.

& i love a t-shirt, but it’s in how it’s worn. i don’t think it even needs to be an interesting t-shirt, but it should have a fit & pov that looks intentional. i like to get my t-shirts a size up & tuck them in, sometimes pair them with an overshirt. if i know i’m going to be SWEATING & i want to wear a tshirt, i’ll wear something looser & actually thicker cotton in either black or white. i’ve had top surgery so i can wear tanks without stress but if binding is a concern, both& has some great tanks for ppl who bind.

if you do want to be more dressed up than a short/t-shirt combo, the answer is & will always be linen. a short sleeved linen button up (from really anywhere you like that fits well — uniqlo has both men’s & women’s in many earthtones for under $50!) is The Key. put it on as an overshirt over your t-shirt or wear it buttoned halfway in a french tuck. i prefer to stay away from patterns & bright colors bc it can easily look a little zany, but do your thing there. i have a few pairs of linen pants i also love, especially for things like taking my wife on a date, or if it’s just a cool day/nighttime activity etc. literally just… linen button ups & linen pants, even drawstring pants! if you wanna ball out, theory makes my favorite linen pants, but oak + fort is a close second & much more affordable. everlane also has all of these pieces in mens & womens & is very high quality!

idk ur shoe situation but two great options are always birkenstocks (the rubber ones are under $50 & v comfortable) and/or all white low air force 1s. a good all white sneaker is a great starter sneaker & will always go with everything. i myself prefer dunk lows but u gotta rly be wanting to invest in some sneakers to do that lmao but if you are! they’re cool

lastly, small accessories go a long way! i have a few chains, a small hoop earring, a ring (& my wedding ring but lol i don’t think we can count that as an accessory), & then sunglasses i love. i have a Beautiful watch from my wife but literally just a watch w a normal watch face & a leather band is better than nothing or wearing a smart watch out when there’s quite literally no need lol. a good baseball cap, either plain black or from a cool brand (mine for this summer is aime leon dore) is both a nice addition & also practical. do not & i mean Do Not carry around a backpack unless u Absolutely have to lol. masc cross body bags or canvas totes are much better if u need a bag

also:

- you can find tons of overshirts thrifting or at outlets! since they don’t have to fit perfectly it can be a great place to look for them

- i live & die by a good pair of light wash denim in the summer. allsaints & madewell always have beautiful denim, but you can look at levi’s as well, or thrift!

- tailoring is not expensive!!!!!!!!! if u find pants u love that are too long, just get them hemmed! fr it’s like $10, everyone needs a good tailor

- never underestimate a good sweatshort/t-shirt/overshirt/birks moment to go get a cup of coffee or something… 10/10

- i have definitely not been in a place financially to do this in the past, so pls take this w a grain of salt & of course do what’s best for your budget, but higher quality, simple fabrics ethically made are ALWAYS going to be best. they’ll last longer & keep their fit. launder ur clothes carefully too! hang drying pants & heavy cotton will get their lifespan to extend. & it’s 100% cool to find brands u love & stick to them. if u find a piece u like, u can get it in a few colors, rather than trying to find a bunch of other stuff. quality > quantity, capsule wardrobes are easier to wear & maintain

- some ppl whose fashion i like rn: courtney williams, arike ogunbowale, shanice van de sanden. & sue bird knows how to wear a short/button up summer set with the best of them. kristen kish Obviously. (& also i love mal from the queer ultimatum lmfaoooo)

- wear whatever u want, just not cargo shorts :)

[dnpbeats]

Adam knew Phil before he met Dan and he's gay himself. Im pretty sure most of Phil's friends pre-Dan knew they were a couple. Dan sometimes makes it seem like he wasn't out to anyone but I don't think that's the case. I believe hearing somewhere that Phil and Adam dated briefly? I don't know if that was true or just a rumor, but that would explain Dan's jealousy lol

I do think a lot of phil’s early friends YT friends knew they were a couple but honestly based on what dan has said I just figured it was more one of those things where d&p acted like a couple but phil was never like ✨this is my bf dan✨ so in d&p’s minds they had some form of plausible deniability lol, even if it was obvious to everyone around them that they were together. But with everything that happened in 2011/2012 dan so overcompensated with the “I’m not gay” stuff that I find it hard to imagine him (and by extension phil) acting normally/how they would alone with someone else in the house, even an acquaintance/friend who knew them and how they acted in 2009, yk?

Also I’ve heard rumors of phil dating so many YouTubers I rly don’t put much stock in it but at the end of the day I know nothing 💀

[trickstarbrave]

.

I feel like other adopted kids and foster kids constantly long for their bio families whenever I see them talking abt their struggles online. And I guess maybe it’s bc I wasn’t directly adopted but became a ward of the state but was basically always raised by my grandparents (who I am not biologically related to, my mom is adopted)

Past a certain age I never really missed my dad. I am completely over it. I used to get sad but I think I mostly wanted a father to feel normal and have all those “father daughter bonding moments” described by other ppl. I have my grandpa who I often call dad bc he’s the only father figure I’ve had, and I think that’s more than enough. I guess I also missed my dad himself but I’ve forgotten most of the memories ZTFXVXGJBJB

My mom talking abt getting in touch w her bio parents and I do not know how to tell her I don’t rly WANT to meet them bc they’re strangers. I have never at once felt like my grandparents weren’t my real family. My uncle is like my older brother, and tbh my grandparents have been more my parents than my mom ever rly was (not entirely her fault she is deeply mentally unwell and had substance abuse problems, but fails to recognize that was why she lost custody of me and was never really a full parental figure). My mom has even said I’m “the kid they actually wanted to adopt” instead of her and yeah that was. Weird to hear. But I guess that cements we simultaneously have a sibling body and mother and child bond with the sibling one being being strong since she views me as the spoiled youngest sibling. I don’t think I’m necessarily spoiled for that reason I think it was more so bc my mom had serious psychological issues that were effecting me and I nearly died multiple times as a baby and continued to be sick the rest of my life. Then again my mom was also disabled as a baby. I don’t know if I can trust her judgement that she was not spoiled considering her parents have bailed her out hundreds of times and made excuses for her to my uncle and I. So

Anyways that was a tangent this family is my real family. I don’t wanna blend with my dad’s and not just bc his mom is crazy and I don’t wanna meet my mom’s bio family but I guess I will if she really wants me to. Doesn’t mean I need to have a relationship w them. But I don’t really have any desire to. Maybe that’s also the autism or mental illness for me idk

I’m really afraid to like, say it around other ppl who grew up not w their bio family bc idk I’m afraid I’ll get accused as ungrateful or trying to trample on their feelings. Or that I am actually a freak and no one else feels like how I do bc my situation is so weird and convoluted or that I don’t “count” and “wouldn’t get it” bc my bio mom WAS still technically around

On a side note oh my GOD I just realized in grade school when they asked me to meet a woman in the office and she asked me a bunch of questions abt my problems at home that was a social worker. I was being interviewed by a social worker. I think I was actually being interviewed bc I missed a lot of school, came to school w random bruises and scrapes, was underweight, and didn’t react much when getting hurt. None of those were from abuse or neglect tho I was just chronically ill so I missed school and had trouble putting on weight, have a weirdly high pain tolerance, and had poor spacial awareness so I often bumped into things or fell down (I think i still do actually). I literally had no clue until now when I remembered that while writing this post VHCGUVFCHVVHVHBJ HELP

[huxkisser]

You made me think of what jobs I would give modern AU hux and Kylo, or have given. Most of the time they’re either teenagers or college students in mind (my headcanons for their Majors are Kylo is majoring in kinesiology and Hux double majors in acting and strategic analysis) I’ve definitely taken the figure skater hockey player thing before and if Kylo is a sports player (or a jock in the highschool AUs) i always make it hockey. As for Job Jobs idk I’ve had Hux just Still be in the military once. But most of the modern AU ones I do Hux is like a famous Actor, Model, Dancer, you name it and Kylo is some form of crew member. But that’s more a fame AU then a normal modern AU so I rly don’t know what normal jobs I’d give them

valid honestly. i do enjoy high school/college AUs but i also love making sad men in their thirties fall in love. but also yesss i can definitely see those majors!!!

i know nothing abt ice hockey (unfortunately it’s not really big here :( - but i’ve always thought of kylo as a hockey player. i saw this video of this guy smashing a hockey stick on his knee and the immediately picking up another one and breaking that too and i immediately thought of kylo 😭

i definitely get that i do really like hux being in the military in modern AUs i think it’s something pretty integral to him yk. i have sometimes pictured him and kylo as lawyers or some kind of business men but honestly medical AUs r my favourite (i also like to live vicariously through hux bc i know i could never be a surgeon and he definitely has the discipline and drive for it). but omg model hux is such a good idea i see it 👀👀👀 same w any kind of performing arts i feel like he just has those vibes.

i honestly also really like AUs where kylo is a criminal of some kind lmao or is like. a porn star or something they’re fun

[alittleillumination]

2023 Drama Round-Up!

I know no one asked for this, but I figured I’d post what I’ve watched this year and how I rank them in case anyone is looking for recommendations! I saw @dangermousie did this and stole this idea (hope that’s ok!)

14. Heartbeat: It was…fine? Didn’t really leave me with any lasting impression. Was hoping for more from a drama about a vampire. I need a good vampire drama. This wasn’t it.

13. Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo - So much potential, didn’t live up to the hype. Give me those BATB vibes any day normally, but in this case the FML was too Mary Sue for me.

12. Back from the Brink- Fun! Good side characters! ML bored me to tears. FML carried the drama. Will keep an eye out for her.

11. Moon in the Day: A solid story. Nice and neat. Definitely would watch the ML in other things. I’m always here for a reincarnation storyline.

10. My Journey to You - Esther Yu! Zhang Linghe! Other awesome characters! Vibes! Otherwise just OK, I wasn’t super invested in the story. Would watch a second season if they deign to make one.

9. The King: Eternal Monarch - Another one that had great potential and I ended up somewhat disappointed. The concept was fantastic. I really love a modern day story with a modern monarch who’s beloved. I’m a big fan of the two main actors so that bumped it up the list. Unfortunately their chemistry was only so-so.

8. Tale of the Nine Tailed S1 - LEE YEON AND LEE RANG brother dynamic sobbbb

7. Doom at Your Service - Great leads with awesome chemistry! Sad! Story was simple and sweet.

6. Love is Sweet - OG Bai Lu/Luo Yunxi couple!! I loved them so much, I’m def watching this show again and again. Couldn’t stand the second couple, though, I skipped all of their scenes.

5. Alchemy of Souls S1 - This show has such a phenomenal concept, and a really well flushed out universe. The side characters are all great and three dimensional. I love the magic too. It’s lower on the list just because I’m not as emotionally connected to the leads as I am to those in other shows, but I really love this show.

4. Tale of the Nine-Tailed 1938 - This show has it all: magic, romance, historical setting, fashion, time travel, politics, humor. As much as I love LDW/Lee Yeon, the show was really an ensemble triumph. The story, the action, the humor, everything was top notch. Excelled in surpassing the first season in quality which seems so unlikely but they really did it.

TIED FOR SECOND

Til The End of the Moon - What can I say about this show? It’s wump central. It’s serving misunderstanding trope but make it completely overdone and unbearable. The fake blood budget alone could have paid all of the actors’ salaries. The female lead got shafted in favor of the male lead.

And yet…

You’ll think about this show every day for the rest of your life. I know I do.

(Also credited for the beginning of my obsession with Luo Yunxi. He’s babygirl. Tantai Jin is the best character ever written.)

Goblin - Oh man, this show. THIS SHOW. Despite some controversy over the age difference between the main couple, i love them. I grew up on vampire romance, nothing can sway me there. I really bought into their romance and I was devastated when they went through it. I cried more in this show than I have in any other. I also completely loved and was invested in the second couple, which almost NEVER happens.

Despite the romance of the two couples being stellar, it was the friendship and the found family that really sold it for me. The Goblin and the Grim Reaper have the best friendship and wildly fun chemistry onscreen. I couldn’t get enough of them. I watched the bts of them so many times over.

And my favorite for 2023…

1. Love Between Fairy and Devil - My first Asian drama. My first love. Noting will surpass this. No couple will touch Dongfang Qingcang and Xiao Lan Hua. I’ve rewatched it twice already. It’s the clear winner.

I’m currently watching My Demon and so far it’s rly good. Might break top ten.

On the short list to watch in 2024:

- Alchemy of Souls S2 (I’m not ready for it to end but I NEED to see it)

- Ashes of Love (I’m forcing myself to finish this I HAVE TO FOR LY)

- Story of Kunning Palace

- Only for Love

[hongism]

Can I just say the grip that MOC has on me??? absolutely insane. Like I may rival Hongjoong type of insane, the way you write each character!!!like no character seems to be less complex or pushed in the background they all have such depth about them, same with the planets and side characters too! I absolutely love story telling like this and ugh I could gush about how much I love this story all day.

I wanted to ask questions about MOC but then I realized that all my questions would lead to more questions-

BUT I was thinking about moc hongjoong and it kinda occurred to me that he treats everyone differently and that wouldn’t be a problem if he was normal but now it makes me just side eye him?? Because I do believe that you can see the common denominator of his personality despite who he talks too(like Minho alluded) but it makes me wonder, if mc never actively went against his authority would he had still felt the need to manipulate her from the beginning? Or would he have just done it out of instinct but in a different way?

ALSO I was kinda confused? because everyone in moc likes to speak in riddles about their motives and feelings😭 But Hongjoong is so adamant that he doesn’t need MC even though Seonghwa insists(at the time at least) that he does. Does Hongjoong actually feel like he needs mc?

And I’ve been wondering Mc and Joongs dynamic, it seemed like be “good” at times. Ex: the times they’ve gone to save San together or when he sorta lets her off the hook for things. But it so easily gets flipped at any moment😭is that just because the hate is so strong on both sides that it’s just thin ice? or like revealed does Joon only let the good moments happen when he’s deciding what will make mc the most docile in the moment?

Also is the way Mc feels about Hongjoong(her wanting to be needed, the hatred so intense that anything is ammo, and this hatred going into obsession and in turn obsession making her want him so bad) similar to the way Hongjoong feels about Mc?(I use the term “feel” loosely but the intense hatred, obsession to break and mold her into what he wants)

Basically I think i’m asking does any part of Hongjoong hate Mc so much that it’s turned into “oooo he wants her so bad”like it has for mc(bc this child gives me second hand embarrassment sometimes but same) or is it just the “oooo the captain has a list major issues and mc is challenging a crazy person, therefore he’s just gonna act however makes mc fall in line) kinda like with his scene with Yunho where he was thinking “this simply won’t do.”

This ask is so long I’m so sorry idk what I’m talking about and I never have! No pressure if you can’t answer these yet because I have a billion questions about so many things in MOC that I won’t ask right now BUT I just wanted to tell you how much I admire your work.🥹🤍

hongjoong type of insane pls 😭 but rly thank you so much!! im so glad the characters read well and feel balanced across the crew bc that's one of the harder things to balance with the story haha <3

hongjoong does indeed treat everyone differently hehe part of that has to do with how he runs the crew, where he lets them decide how they want to be treated, but part of that is also just down to him and his personality too! there is indeed a common denominator like you mentioned as well! now, if mc never actively went against his authority, yeah he would have probably been way more normal towards her! which ofc makes it like damn girl you could have had everything you wanted at the cost of what? a slight bit of obedience? but then it wouldn't have been nearly as exciting or fun skksksk there definitely would still have been some manipulation on his part, mostly because that is something deeply rooted in him and something he constantly feels is necessary for 👁️reasons👁️

hongjoong very much puts up a front of not needing y/n, but he very much needs sirens. he knows that she's one, and he hates that that in turn means he needs her but he is adamant that his need for her is solely bc of what she is, not her as a person

hongjoong's mood towards y/n is highly dependent on her own mood towards him. when she acts more hostile, then he responds in kind. hongjoong reacts in extremes, and he does so to everything y/n does. there are times where mc does behave more obediently, and we'll see hongjoong be more lax in those moments, but he also very much likes to let her off the hook on certain things solely bc he wants to see her fail and be able to sort of have this "see, you failed, you need me to make the decisions for you" manipulation tactic

i think it is safe to say that their mutual hatred-obsession-strong lusting is on both ends to an extent but hongjoong wants mc to want him badly enough to make her look stupid bc he's a total psycho LKFJSLD but still we've seen seonghwa call him out point blank for being stupidly obsessed with her too so ! but it leans more on the side of what we saw him do with yunho <3

thank you so much again i love answering asks like this, i'm so sorry it took me such a long time to respond 🥹🥹🥹

[absolutelyinlove]

let's talk: canon events! how'd you get into the dream team? what brought you to dtblr?

oh god ok my like. origin story of how i started watching dteam is insanely convoluted so i’m going to put it under the cut and like. to preface i just need u to know i’ve never been normal about anything in my life like i am so completely incapable of having passive interests. that is really crucial to understand

ok. So. basically i’ve always been super into mcyt content, i was a Massive cube smp + cube uhc stan back when that was a thing, i was like. 12-14 at the time but i was on stan twitter, wrote rpf on wattpad, experienced the severe trauma of ccs i wrote about Finding my fic and talking about it very publicly. The whole experience. and then when cube smp started to die my overall mcyt interest heavily faded, i’ve still always been incredibly fixated on minecraft itself i used to be super into uhc and other competitive gamemodes but in terms of actually watching content creators that was like. something that kinda faded in and out i’d go through long phases of watching nothing at all sometimes for entire years then randomly get slapped by nostalgia and fall back into it and rewatch old series’, etc.

but anyway. i had other interests, i had a different main fandom, i was still on stan twitter (kpop twitter to be specific) when dream rly started blowing up and. All i ever heard abt him was negative. because i was. on kpop twitter where like everyone was just excited there was a New Most Hated Fandom on the internet so he was an extremely common punching bag and i just Solely knew of him in a negative light and i’d never actually watched him to form my own opinions because (and this sounds so absurd) i also had this very irrational Jealousy toward the like. “new wave” of mcyt stans in 2019-2020 because suddenly it was a COMMON mainstream fandom and it ABSOLUTELY WASNT back when /i/ was a teenager and at my peak obsession so therefore all i felt was very misplaced dislike because How come this massive fanbase wasn’t around when this was My interest ? anyway.

Then like. sometime still in 2020 ? my irl friend sent me a manhunt and was like u NEED to watch this (because all my irls know i am. Very abnormal about competitive minecraft content) and i was like. Huh is it time for me to finally watch this dream guy. and i watched it and well it was very inevitable i got hooked because manhunt is soooo comedically perfect in terms of how me-catered it is, it is Literally everything i could ever ask for in terms of youtube content so it was absolutely over for me and i binged the entire series over the course of like. a week. and at first i really did think i would just be a passive youtube fan, because again. all i’d ever heard about dream was that he was a Bad Person and therefore i really did Try not to get invested beyond just thinking the videos were good but ofc as soon as i finished watching every manhunt that was out at the time i moved onto other dteam videos and i just fell reallyyyyy really in love with their dynamic and it was like. MAN! i had to accept i was growing attached and i Wanted to know more abt them at this point. i watched every single video on dream’s channel by the time i accepted Okay im in too deep now i want to know more.

this is the part that is going to make me sound incredibly fuckin g crazy so i need u to just hear me out. so i started googling dream and looking at the dsmp wiki (because as a youtube-only viewer i knew Nothing about dsmp other than people on my side of twitter hating it) and i was so surprised to realize hbomb was a member i’m crying because i knew him from CUBE SMP!!!!!!! i was like whta the fuck. now i feel Obligated to care like this is my Past combining with the present… it’s like fate… so then. naturally. i Looked up like. Reasons Dream Is Problematic threads on twitter. because i was like if im going to do this i need to know what exactly i am going into here i want to know why this dude is so hated and i unironically went through every single thread and callout post i could find, looking at Every reason someone gave for hating him then looking up the original clip with full context and watching it for myself so i could make my own judgement of it and also looking into how he responded and that was how i realized Oh like 87% of this is exaggerated and the stuff that’s true is either kind of nothing or he seems to be trying to do better. And that was how i decided. He is just some guy who seems very well-meaning and is making efforts to Grow and Now i can allow myself to . watch his stream vods? i know ho w crazy this sounds im crying but u need to understand i genuinely waited to watch any vods and grow attached to his content in a non-casual way until after i was SURE no secret horrible misdeeds were going to catch me off guard and i’d realize i didn’t actually want to support him i’m fucking crying

and then naturally ijust got incredibly fixated on mcc when i discovered That and that was what led me to watching a ton of other streamers, i was never super into dsmp but i Did get very into watching non-lore dsmp vods and just. tons of vods in general. i got severely fixated on mcsr around this time too which was awesome until it Wasn’t and i made a lurker account on twitter like literally a priv with 0 followers where i only followed ccs because i didn’t want to follow them from my acct with all my kpoptwt mutuals and get Called a freak for supporting dream. i also kept up very closely with any drama/situations involving dream even before being on dttwt in any capacity because again. i just like to have full context for everything so this was like. when i was unfortunately a very active dwt2 user because that was mostly how i stayed in the loop with things and tbf at the time it was actually a pretty good place for nuanced discussion this was before it got terribly unbearable but. Yeah. i started reading heat waves “ironically” while it was ongoing like i was reading it bookclub-style with my dranti friends and pretending i knew nothing abt dream or george outside the context of the fic (I AM TERRIBLE) but i ended up getting curious about what other fics were out there and that was how i started reading dnf earnestly.

i didn’t start writing until wayyyyy later after i came out of the dream stan closet to my friend reyna (still the only one of my kpoptwt-era friends who knows i am. the way that i am) in like. mid 2021? and i got them invested in dteam too and then in december 2021 we made our ao3s + new twitter accts together and both started writing fics

as for dtblr in specific i am relatively new here i guess ! i have been a long time lurker as i’ve always preferred tumblr for fandom discussion compared to twitter but i was always too shy to actually make my own account andddd because i started on twitter and had exclusively used twitter in my previous fandom it just like. Came more naturally to me and it’s so good for fic promo i just. Accepted it. but then after october several of my friends and like at least half of my mutuals at the time all became antis and once i was back to feeling. normal about consuming fandom content in like late october early november i desperately wanted to have a place where i wasn’t being made to feel GUILTY constantly so i finally made an acct over here so i’d have at least one space where i could Talk Freely about fandom things without expecting 10 people to tell me to kms for it. (don’t worry i eventually did finally make a new priv and i’m no longer held hostage by ex-stan mutuals on twitter but it was ROUGH at the time like so many of my friends have told me they assumed i’d just lost most of my interest and was only still in the fandom for the sake of writing because i never talked abt anything anymore for so long IT WAS BAD I JUST FELT SILENCED but im free now i promise) so yeah.

but don’t worry now i am here less out of “i have nowhere else to go” necessity and actually just because i Do enjoy it and i prefer it immensely to maintwt i am so content now with basically solely talking abt fandom things here and on my privtwt and just using main for fic talk life is beautiful !

sorry this is really fucking absurdly long i am so normal

[magnoliamyrrh]

It really sucks bc I’ve had this sneaking suspicion since my early adolescence that I was molested by a preschool teacher. I have no actual memory but just a combination of UTIs + sadomasochistic behavior + nightmares + hypersexuality later made me suspect. But like. It could have been from everyone and their mom in my Balkan family constantly groping me :/ like it’s already blurry in my head this is just confusing me even more but at the same time I’m not sure I wanna know

thank u for sending this, i know its hard to even write this shit out sometimes. im sorry you went through any of this. yea, i went through a long period of not being sure what the hell happened if anything at all too. i still do at times. all the same symptoms + i also thought for a long time that maybe it was from all of,, the other stuff instead of anything else. its rly hard to try to make sense of it all, especially at those ages, and tbh yea, all those symptoms could v well just appear from the general family shit, especially depending on the severity of what was allowed and starting/ending when

... i think its fair to not want to know. i think its rly fair and normal to b either entirely opposed to knowing or just anxious and adverse sbt it. missing as well as blurry memories at those ages can v well be just normal, theres plenty of things ppl start to usually forget, but,, they can also be a sign of your brain trying to protect you from shit it deemed too hard/too much/too distressing to handle.. and that's,.. fair. thats a survival adaptation.

when you go knocking on the locked doors in your mind its often far from a pleasant time.. and tbh shit tends to get worse before it gets any better. On the other hand this is just. personal philosophy/conclusion; i think... the only .. way to Really truly deal things - the issues themselves not just the symptoms caused by the issues - is to face them. must go through the eye of the needle sort of thing. this is how ive dealt w recovering from bpd, ana&mia, and ptsd shit and generally got myself to b a lot more sane, after a period of time in which it drove me more insane. this is what psychedelics reinforced in me anyway.... i dont recommend going poking around in your brain too much if youre not in a remotely stable and safe environment,,, i did that, not the best time

poking around and trying to figure this sort of shit out can often turn into a whole spiral. be gentle with yourself, dont try to rush yourself into wanting answers, and take care of yourself. sometimes it is best to let your brain let you know about things when it deems the time is right, rather than trying to tear down every door

but,.. . something that my ex whose also been through some pretty severe shit said to me when i was falling down a "is this real?" hole: you kinda just.. you feel it. somewhere if youre being real serious with yourself, deep deep down inside you know if you know. we never really forget things. somewhere, they are ingrained in us, our bodies remember even if we dont.... and, tbh, the other thing is. people see it on you. like, recognition of the self through the other sort of thing. something that always got to me before i actually rly idk accepted a lot of things is how much i related to ppl who have also gone through that sort of stuff. could just b the family shit but also 🤷‍♀️ . even if it isnt i guess the question would be, what is the drive behind your suspicion. why there. why that teacher or why a teacher. why that time and place. does it remind you of something else or another time?. and on the flip side.. something else that ive learned is that. predators see it on you? they truly do. i remember when i was questioning shit id tell myself, well, both of these things cant be true right??? thats ridiculous, who has that sort of luck to not only deal with this weird af normalized family shit + other stuff?? i must just b exaggerating things.... except in reality, most predators can tell which victims are vulnerable and they can most often tell which kids have some sort of history of sexual trauma. once it happenes, its actually statistically more likely that it will happen again...... which really fucking sucks

idk, i hope any of this made sense i probably went on for too long but. im rly sorry again u went through any of this im v much sending u a virtual hug. i rly do get the frustration and confusion and... all of it. im sorry but also, thank you for sending me this bc its... both horrible and comforting at the same time to know someone else has felt this same mess. i hope youre going to find some consolation and peace and healing soon <3 <3