#I know this is a normal thing but I’ve never rly had to do it before ??

[bibleofficial]

LOSING IT !!!!!!!! but at least i got the critters 🐟🦐🐌🐜

[garoujo]

✩ ˛˚ . FUSHIGURO MEGUMI — it’s beginning to get colder in the mornings, so now your boyfriend is trying to steal your body heat.

ஜ ˖ ࣪࿐ྂ warnings! aged!up megumi, f!reader, handjob, he’s grumpy :< it’s been so long since i’ve written him! ♡ ˖ ࣪࿐ྂ note! i bring you more writing, i’ve been v prepared this week with having some stuff done .. that break rly did me good <3

it had become colder in the mornings, you realise as you wake up to your boyfriend megumi wrapped up in you — closer than normal as his chest rests flush against your back. you can feel the cool chill on his fingertips as they squeeze at your skin and you shudder slightly when the comforter falls off your shoulders as you move.

“‘gumi~ you’re freezing.” you whine as you nestle yourself back into him, feeling him grumble with the way your voice wakes him up — unruly dark hair falling over his gaze as he sends you a grumpy, sleepy look.

“it is freezing.” megumi mumbles into the pillows before his eyes close again, trying to hold you still in the hopes you’ll go back to sleep but it’s all in vain when you roll around to look at him a few moments later.

“so, you’re making me colder!” you frown at him as he lays still, eyes closed but you know he’s awake when his brows furrow after a few more seconds and he grumbles once more.

“yeah, cause you’re warm. stop staring at me.” you roll your eyes at that before you nuzzle yourself back into him, letting yourself enjoy the few peaceful seconds of his dwindling body heat before you sigh once more. you’re pretty sure you feel megumi twitch with irritation when he realises you’re not going back to sleep, trying to hug you tighter in the hopes it’ll lull you.

“you’re so grumpy.” you giggle again, knowing fine well that your boyfriend was never really a morning person and he actually looks at you with that one. there’s a pout on his lips and his pretty features are already frowning when he lets his eyes finally flutter open to glare at you— although you think he looks cute when he’s still messy from sleep.

“no, i’m cold.” megumi grits before he sighs, deliberately grabbing the comforter and pettily turning to face the other way, wrapping himself underneath the warm blanket like he doesn’t know you’re gonna hug in behind him.

you give him a few seconds of peace before you push closer once more but you remain silent this time, not only are you bored now— you’re still cold, but you seem to have been struck with an idea that could help both of this things.

you press your chest against the bare skin of your boyfriend’s back before you let your arms loop around his waist, feeling him tremble slightly as your fingers press featherlight touches up his toned abdomen. as grumpy as megumi was, he couldn’t deny how much he loved your touch— already feeling him push back into you with every warm press of your hands.

you stay like this for a few moments, until he’s relaxed and his guard is down— breathing mellowing out slightly, that’s when you act. you make sure it’s swift, the way you push your fingers down the waistband of his sweats, squeezing languidly at the semi-hard bulge of his cock as he almost jolts in your hold.

“h-hey, what’re you doing?” megumi gasps but you think it sounds more surprised than it does angry, he’s definitely awake now— you can tell with the slightest squeeze of your palm along the length of him, feeling him twitch completely hard so quickly until you can wrap your fingers around him completely.

“warming you up. my hands are warm, right?” you tease and you hear your messy haired boyfriend click his tongue before his attitude melts with your next stroke, making him shudder against you as his hand wraps around your wrist— but you can tell he really doesn’t want you to stop.

“so.. yeah but, shit—“ megumi’s hips stutter with the next languid pull of your wrist, biting on the inside of his cheek in the hopes it’ll help to muffle the needy sounds that you’re already pulling from him so easily.

it only takes you a few more moments to find a pace, one that has him arching into you, throbbing in your hold and chasing every languid squeeze of your palm as he rocks into your fist. his lips part to pant while his fingers squeeze desperately at your skin and you can already feel the pre-cum smear along the inside of his sweats. you give him a lidded look from over his shoulder, noticing the flush blooming along your boyfriends pretty features and you think it’s cute the way he avoids your gaze while you pump his cock so desperately.

fushiguro megumi wasn’t a morning person, but he sure was sensitive..

© 2023 GAROUJO. please do not copy any of my layouts or writing and translate or repost onto any other sites.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi so I’m 15 and in a relationship for the first time so I don’t have experience with any of this stuff. My partner and I have been doing sexual stuff for a few months now I just have some questions.

First, I was wondering how we can do sexual things in a way that doesn’t bother other people in the house. Like maybe that’s a dumb question and the answer is just be quiet but idk it’s hard bc my partner is very vocal. Also there’s very few opportunities to do stuff without anyone else home so that’s not rly an option.

Also my parents have been very weird about my relationship with my partner. Making lots of odd comments such as “i wonder if they’re having sex up there” (to my brother who is a *child*) and giving me lots of looks that just kind of make me feel really bad about my relationship. I know that sex is natural but they make me feel really bad about it and I could use some advice on what to do about that

Next, my partner and I are both interested in getting in to kink but I don’t really know how to go about it. I’ve never heard of people getting into that stuff as minors and we don’t want to do anything too crazy especially since we don’t really have access to any supplies.

You’ve definitely talked about this before but could you tell me what kind of protection is best and easiest to use and obtain for f/f sex. School didn’t teach me how to use anything other than a male condom.

Thank you so much. Sorry for asking so many questions

hi anon,

your first question is going to be pretty circumstantial; I don't know what the layout of your house is like or how realistic it is to wait for privacy. the ideal if of course to wait until everyone else is either asleep or out of the house, but I recognize that the former may be difficult if not impossible for someone your age and you've already said the latter is hard to come by. using other noises, like music or TV or white noise, can be helpful, although it's unlikely to prevent your parents from speculating.

to address your second problem most directly, I'm afraid there's no much that I personally can do to rectify that. it is unfortunately very normal for parents to have an anxious, awkward, and difficult time adjusting to their children becoming sexually curious. I think the most crucial thing to remember here is that this has nothing to do with what you're doing being gross or wrong, and most everything to do with how your parents were raised to think about sex. unless they have specific concerns they want to raise with you about sexual safety, their reactions are most likely coming from a place of discomfort that they don't know how to channel appropriately. that's not a shortcoming on your part, but on the people who failed to help them develop a better way of understanding their own feelings about sex - and, yes, on them for how they're handling those feelings now.

I'm unsure exactly what you're interested in exploring, since kink covers a very broad array of activities and "supplies" could mean almost anything, but I would definitely recommend an abundance of caution in your explorations. kink is great, but that doesn't mean it's easy for for everyone. there's a reason that you seldom hear of people your age getting into kink, which is that it generally requires a great deal of practice with navigating partnered intimacy and communication - something that few teenagers have had time to develop the skills for. kink is also something that many people find works best as a communal activity, by finding others to help introduce them around and sharing experience to help safely explore their fantasies; for obvious safety reasons, few kink spaces are looking to admit 15 year olds. by all means, do your research - Evie Lupine's youtube channel is a great place to start, with a backlog of hundreds of videos covering all kinds of kink-related topics - but be careful with how you act on it, and recognize that kink comes with more potential complications and risks than "vanilla" sex that cannot be taken lightly.

if both parties have vulvas and vaginas then you can use dental dams for protection during oral sex, latex or nitrile gloves or finger cots to cover hands/fingers, and external ("male," although there's nothing inherently gendered about them) condoms for any penetrative toys (or cut them down one side to flatten them out and make the aforementioned dental dams).

please don't apologize for asking questions! questions are how you learn and stay safe :)

[eurydicees]

so i’ve had a night to sleep on it and a full day of work and i still feel fucking deranged. so. thoughts on the haikyuu movie (*SPOILERS* + long post under the cut):

ok general impressions first—

oh my god it was so good. i’m inconsolable. it was really really good.

i was so strong and normal in the public movie theater until the start of the third set.

at which point i started trembling violently.

which turned to silent crying at the last like five points until the end of the movie.

i’m so sorry to the one other guy sitting in my row.

Anyways. i know we were all apprehensive abt it being a movie but i think it actually worked really well

pacing was good and iirc they managed to fit almost everything in there, which. is very impressive

plus the experience of getting to watch this game all at once in a theater was really fun

HUGEEEE props to the sound editing team oh my god. i could FEEL every spike in my chest and every breath was tangible and the cheering sections were phenomenally mixed and the squeaking of sneakers on the floor throughout….and then the CRAZY moments of pure silence…….man.

AND THE SOUNDTRACK. THE MUSIC. THE MUSICCCCCCC. there is one thing haikyuu will never do and that is miss with the music. oh my god even just the OPENING had me shaking. the music added SO MUCH and was SO well done.

the animation in general was REALLY good. especially that final point of the game which i will mention more later bc man. god. the animation was REALLY GOOD.

the characters were all so well done. like yeah ofc but. they were so good.

i walked in with an already deep love for nekoma and i walked out feeling like my heart had burst with how much love i have for them

kuroo and kenma in particular were REALLY good. there was a good amnt of childhood kuroken and when i tell you i was sobbing for half of it…

also very good was tsukishima!! he’s not one of my faves usually but he had me silently screaming in the movie theater during this game

and OF COURSE hinata. how could i not mention him. he was done so well. i watched it dubbed and the voice acting was VERY good.

no fukurodani game so. Sad. but also i do think if they had put that in there it would have broken the tension in a bad way, so i’m not actually upset about it. praying for an ova or smth

overall good blend of memory/flashback and realtime gameplay

re: flashbacks--a lot of them were to childhood kuroken and a lot of them were also just to training camps and scenes we've seen before but in a different pov....biting down on things rn

re: gameplay--saw some review that was like "gah they expect you to care about the characters/teams already and dont tell you who to root for" bitch YEAH and that's the POINT ! so yeah. if you care about the characters already and love both teams. *chef's kiss*

besides that they did NOT pull ANY punches. the game is REAL from the FIRST whistle, maybe only 10-15 minutes in

which like. that was the only way to do it. and they did not fucking hesitate

some stand out moments for me, in no particular order—

*disclaimer i have a rly bad memory so if im mixing some moments up i apologize. you shouldn't take this as an official source for anything.*

oh my god the last point was done BEAUTIFULLY. it’s already such an insane way to end the game and i swear the movie was just as insane.

they did the last few minutes of the game through kenma’s eyes, so you’re seeing his pov of the court and the ball, and that glimpse of the practice match moment, until the ball slips and it cuts to his eyes. oh my god. i went crazy i went crazy i am STILL going CRAZY.

kenma falling down and “that was fun” going into kuroo’s laugh……………changed LIVES !!!!!!

similarly, kenma’s last speech of the game oh my god oh my god oh my god

we KNEW it was one of my favorite speeches in any manga ever but they genuinely did it justice. the cuts between shots of the court and kuroo inviting kenma to play volleyball and kenma following him out the door and leaving behind a video game controller and a volleyball magazine……what if i went crazy forever and ever and ever !!!!!!!!

ALL of the childhood kuroken moments…..literally feeling deranged about them

TSUKISHIMA SOMETIMES ITS ACTUALLY FUN !!!!!!

everything about tsukishima and kuroo’s banter across the net was incredible

tsukishima laughing...... im EMOTIONAL !!!!

all of the little glimpses and montages they had to training camps and practices outside of actually playing, when they were just hanging out……sir im crying !!!!

they all reminded me a lot of the special one shot where kai has that moment of reflection on his volleyball career but all that came to mind were the breaks where he was hanging out with his friends…..i’m gonna cry thinking abt it.

HINATA’S CENTER BOOM JUMP. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. i think i actually like. gasped. <<< knew it was going to happen

OOOOOOH. when kenma has his panic moment of oh what do i do and then kuroo comes up and it flashes between that spike and them learning to spike together as kids……what if i went ballistic right fucking now

the “we are each other’s teacher” moment jesus fucking christ. they didn’t say that line but. you’ll know it’s that scene when it happens. i think it broke something inside me.

that might've been around when the tears started coming but it's all kinda a blur lol

kurodai hug. yeah.

after the game kai's im glad i spent these three years with you...felt that scene in my bones

kenma "keep surprising me, shoyo. this is good" << lines that will live in me forever

getting to see kenma and hinata's first meeting again but from kenma and kuroo's pov.......killing biting kicking maiming sobbing

lmfao post-credit scene. daishou <3

the glimpses of tendou and goshiki watching together were rly funny. obsessed w tendou as always.

kenma "i thought kageyama would lose interest in hinata if he had no wings" kozume vs tobio "i will make you fly" kageyama.........showdown of the century

THE CAGE IMAGEERYYYYYYYYYY. THE CROW BREAKING FREE. IM NOT NORMAL ABT IT.

oh my god. fuck ok i can't forget this one, in that final “i never want this to end” scene youre in kenma’s pov and you fall down and all you can see is kenma’s reflection in his own sweat dripping onto the court i am SHAKING remembering it

speaking of, they wove the foreshadowing w the sweat on the court and the ball etc into the game really seamlessly and aghadlgkjahg;ajdgfkal. god. ok. this is fine.

anyways. the animation in that sequence goes SO HARD. the animation overall goes so hard. im in hysterics.

ok this got long but there's DEFINITELY more things that im missing...idk these are just my first thoughts. i want to see it again. i NEEEEED to see it again. oh my god i feel crazy. i love haikyuu so much. i love it so much. like so much. did you know i love haikyuu.

[possibilistfanfiction]

Hi, may you please spare some advice on what casual, but also cool in a hot climate, clothing a baby butch could look into wearing that’s a bit fashionable and isn’t just a shirt and a cargo shorts?

whew first of all donate any & all cargo shorts immediately (pretend tan france is telling you that Urgently). i do understand finding shorts can be kind of weird depending on ur body shape bc men’s shorts are often bulky & long. i prefer a 5’ inseam, but you can go for a 7’ if that feels better. under No circumstances should ur shorts hit ur knees lol. madewell has some pretty good options (if you can find one that’s mens & womens in-store that’s the best). pacsun usually has some pretty chill options. for online shopping, bearbottom shorts is not too expensive & has a lot of colors in both 5’ & 7’ shorts. i really like the swim shorts both& just made (not sure if they’re sold out). get lighter colors in the summer if you want for shorts, & just… no khaki.

& i love a t-shirt, but it’s in how it’s worn. i don’t think it even needs to be an interesting t-shirt, but it should have a fit & pov that looks intentional. i like to get my t-shirts a size up & tuck them in, sometimes pair them with an overshirt. if i know i’m going to be SWEATING & i want to wear a tshirt, i’ll wear something looser & actually thicker cotton in either black or white. i’ve had top surgery so i can wear tanks without stress but if binding is a concern, both& has some great tanks for ppl who bind.

if you do want to be more dressed up than a short/t-shirt combo, the answer is & will always be linen. a short sleeved linen button up (from really anywhere you like that fits well — uniqlo has both men’s & women’s in many earthtones for under $50!) is The Key. put it on as an overshirt over your t-shirt or wear it buttoned halfway in a french tuck. i prefer to stay away from patterns & bright colors bc it can easily look a little zany, but do your thing there. i have a few pairs of linen pants i also love, especially for things like taking my wife on a date, or if it’s just a cool day/nighttime activity etc. literally just… linen button ups & linen pants, even drawstring pants! if you wanna ball out, theory makes my favorite linen pants, but oak + fort is a close second & much more affordable. everlane also has all of these pieces in mens & womens & is very high quality!

idk ur shoe situation but two great options are always birkenstocks (the rubber ones are under $50 & v comfortable) and/or all white low air force 1s. a good all white sneaker is a great starter sneaker & will always go with everything. i myself prefer dunk lows but u gotta rly be wanting to invest in some sneakers to do that lmao but if you are! they’re cool

lastly, small accessories go a long way! i have a few chains, a small hoop earring, a ring (& my wedding ring but lol i don’t think we can count that as an accessory), & then sunglasses i love. i have a Beautiful watch from my wife but literally just a watch w a normal watch face & a leather band is better than nothing or wearing a smart watch out when there’s quite literally no need lol. a good baseball cap, either plain black or from a cool brand (mine for this summer is aime leon dore) is both a nice addition & also practical. do not & i mean Do Not carry around a backpack unless u Absolutely have to lol. masc cross body bags or canvas totes are much better if u need a bag

also:

- you can find tons of overshirts thrifting or at outlets! since they don’t have to fit perfectly it can be a great place to look for them

- i live & die by a good pair of light wash denim in the summer. allsaints & madewell always have beautiful denim, but you can look at levi’s as well, or thrift!

- tailoring is not expensive!!!!!!!!! if u find pants u love that are too long, just get them hemmed! fr it’s like $10, everyone needs a good tailor

- never underestimate a good sweatshort/t-shirt/overshirt/birks moment to go get a cup of coffee or something… 10/10

- i have definitely not been in a place financially to do this in the past, so pls take this w a grain of salt & of course do what’s best for your budget, but higher quality, simple fabrics ethically made are ALWAYS going to be best. they’ll last longer & keep their fit. launder ur clothes carefully too! hang drying pants & heavy cotton will get their lifespan to extend. & it’s 100% cool to find brands u love & stick to them. if u find a piece u like, u can get it in a few colors, rather than trying to find a bunch of other stuff. quality > quantity, capsule wardrobes are easier to wear & maintain

- some ppl whose fashion i like rn: courtney williams, arike ogunbowale, shanice van de sanden. & sue bird knows how to wear a short/button up summer set with the best of them. kristen kish Obviously. (& also i love mal from the queer ultimatum lmfaoooo)

- wear whatever u want, just not cargo shorts :)

[neopuppy]

im dead we mustve been sitting next to each other cuz i saw miss crazy in the front row w her entourage. absolutely bonkers. also the anon who thinks they might not know their faces ... girl if WE know their faces you dont think the idols do?? this particular ssng hops on planes with them to each city and gets fancalls every comeback like.. they know exactly who these people are. i legit used to think some fans get lucky to get interactions or their phones/gifts taken on stage by the idols but then noticed the watermarks on the videos of who posts from all these "lucky" angles :) shit started clicking real quick. youre right tho, I guess they do have a fuckton of power over these idols (esp if they can get someone to willingly step down from a group when sm themselves let him back) nauseating i hate it here

we prob weren’t cbnwnxndnx BUT THATS BC THESE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS IN THE FRONT

I did think tho, abt that anon like….ok I’m pretty normal with my consumption online BUTTTTT my friends, some of my friends, they’re chronically online and they keep my ass updated on everything going on😭

(im abt to rant)

like without them I would still definitely know abt some of these ssngs, there are literal youtube videos dedicated to ‘exposing’ many of them, tiktoks, viral threads on twt….like if you are REALLY out of touch, zero connection to the online fandom then yeah- you might have no idea what extent these people go but if you’re on MY account I highly doubt this😅

okay so I have some thoughts on this overall, as a fan(who is actually just a fan and not a fucking freak that tries to ‘run’ into idols in public). I went to three TDS2 stops and had to deal with ssngs FACE TO FACE, like we were brawling. if anyone went to the TX trust show you know what I mean😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

the whole GA crowd experience is an issues and needs to be abolished bc not only are we all competing with each other for a damn close spot- but THE SSNGS…..these bitches DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!!!! like omg the fighting bro. and what drove me most crazy is how they would get their way?!?! like their behavior is worse than you think….these mfs would roll up to each show 30+ people deep talking abt ‘our friends been holding our spot’ mannnn. that shit would work for them in the states tho, BUT NOT IN MEXICO😤😤 MI GENTE LATINA🦾 I was like finally some actual fucking decorum bc they way these ‘fansites’/ssngs think they own these groups and run the fucking show is ABSURD, and really dampens the experience as a fan imo. like they dont want us in Korea and their concerts but they’ll be at every single one of ours😂

so yeah in general im rly observant and good at talking to ppl(thanks capitalism🫡) so I’ll usually chat with strangers in line and literally just say a ssng name and everyone has stories/knows who you are talking abt. SO TO THINK THE IDOLS DONT KNOW THEM IS PRETTY CRAZY😭

anyway I have so many thoughts abt this, I’ve talked to many people irl about these things and how kpop will just never be fair or enjoyable for anyone other than asian fans. its the truth🤷🏻‍♀️ bc the companies are not for us and they asian fans dont want us either😂

I went to 2 stops this tour(tds3) and I went alone to one bc I lucked out and got a rly good barricade ticket during the sale somehow, but only one(I had oomfs there but even ticketing is another damper on this whole thing), and when I got to my seat I was like hmmm…..every single girl in this front row is a fansite/ssng, every single one of them. and I was like AINT THAT SOME SHIT?!?!????!!??🤨🤨🤨 like damn….how the fuck?!!??!!? I recognized a lot of them from last tour, and the girl next to me even got kicked out at some point bc of her fatass giant camera she was trying to hide, then she snuck her ass back in😒 and ofc I see a picture of her right next to the Dreamies at the baggage claim the next week with YOU KNOW WHO^

at some point I was talking to the other girls next to me(bc the fansite girl only talked to me to ask me to send her a video I got of her and [redacted] having a full ass conversation next to me reading all of her fucking fatass notebook questions💀💀 not my ass standing there waving at him like an idiot while this ssng on all his flights is catching up like they’re old chums!!!!!🤣😭) and girl next to me asks how I got my seat so I told her AND SHE TOLD ME SOME SHIT BUT THATS FOR ME TO KNOW ONLY SORRY. anyway, you’d be shocked how many times I’ve gone to a kpop concert alone now and ended up standing/sitting with people who have alllllllll this tea and chat with me bc im a very likable person irl🤣🤣🤣🤣

AS FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST LUCKY!!!!!!

THATS ME!!!!!!!!😁

and I can confirm from my own personal normal ass fan experience that some people are just lucky, not everyone is a freak.

the first time I ever saw 127(origin tour), I had TONS of interactions, and Jungwoo threw me an autographed ball. I had no signs, had never seen them before, was just having fun🙂‍↕️

and like I said I did tds2 stops 3 times and tds3 2 times, and saw dream at a festival in KR once in 2017(one song, and I was far🥲), and kcon(I was in the seats not the pit). so in total I have seen them…. 7? times? yes. and out of those 7 I saw them close up/barricade 3 of those times!!! AND JENO TOOK MY GIFT THE SECOND TIME🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

but also I have said it before Jeno is legitimately the nicest idol I have ever biased. kind of crazy when you think abt the way I write him sometimes you might not believe I love the fuck out of him and think he shits gold BUT THATS JUST BC IM NASTY THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM😅😅😭😭

like *actual* Jeno is perhaps the loveliest human ever?!?!? well no, but compared to even the rest of nct💀 imo he’s just SOOOOOOOO fucking nice. to the point that it shocks me. Jeno’s been super engaging since the first time I ever got to see him up close and again without me using a ridiculous sign, just enjoying myself watching one of my fav groups. he definitely knows he’s my bias tho! and thats all I care about, I just want him to know that he’s loved and appreciated🥲

I cant speak for all idols and from my experience I am being so fucking honest when I say the rest of nct who I have seen are NOTHING close to as nice as he is to fans(and this is just from my own perspective). like it would probably genuinely shatter my spirit once and for all if I ever heard anything negative abt his character but also I’m always on guard bc at the end of the day this is a stranger and a man I am talking abt!!!

as a fan and nothing more tho, he is an amazing person who I will always appreciate for simply allowing me to enjoy his existence🖤

[trickstarbrave]

.

I feel like other adopted kids and foster kids constantly long for their bio families whenever I see them talking abt their struggles online. And I guess maybe it’s bc I wasn’t directly adopted but became a ward of the state but was basically always raised by my grandparents (who I am not biologically related to, my mom is adopted)

Past a certain age I never really missed my dad. I am completely over it. I used to get sad but I think I mostly wanted a father to feel normal and have all those “father daughter bonding moments” described by other ppl. I have my grandpa who I often call dad bc he’s the only father figure I’ve had, and I think that’s more than enough. I guess I also missed my dad himself but I’ve forgotten most of the memories ZTFXVXGJBJB

My mom talking abt getting in touch w her bio parents and I do not know how to tell her I don’t rly WANT to meet them bc they’re strangers. I have never at once felt like my grandparents weren’t my real family. My uncle is like my older brother, and tbh my grandparents have been more my parents than my mom ever rly was (not entirely her fault she is deeply mentally unwell and had substance abuse problems, but fails to recognize that was why she lost custody of me and was never really a full parental figure). My mom has even said I’m “the kid they actually wanted to adopt” instead of her and yeah that was. Weird to hear. But I guess that cements we simultaneously have a sibling body and mother and child bond with the sibling one being being strong since she views me as the spoiled youngest sibling. I don’t think I’m necessarily spoiled for that reason I think it was more so bc my mom had serious psychological issues that were effecting me and I nearly died multiple times as a baby and continued to be sick the rest of my life. Then again my mom was also disabled as a baby. I don’t know if I can trust her judgement that she was not spoiled considering her parents have bailed her out hundreds of times and made excuses for her to my uncle and I. So

Anyways that was a tangent this family is my real family. I don’t wanna blend with my dad’s and not just bc his mom is crazy and I don’t wanna meet my mom’s bio family but I guess I will if she really wants me to. Doesn’t mean I need to have a relationship w them. But I don’t really have any desire to. Maybe that’s also the autism or mental illness for me idk

I’m really afraid to like, say it around other ppl who grew up not w their bio family bc idk I’m afraid I’ll get accused as ungrateful or trying to trample on their feelings. Or that I am actually a freak and no one else feels like how I do bc my situation is so weird and convoluted or that I don’t “count” and “wouldn’t get it” bc my bio mom WAS still technically around

On a side note oh my GOD I just realized in grade school when they asked me to meet a woman in the office and she asked me a bunch of questions abt my problems at home that was a social worker. I was being interviewed by a social worker. I think I was actually being interviewed bc I missed a lot of school, came to school w random bruises and scrapes, was underweight, and didn’t react much when getting hurt. None of those were from abuse or neglect tho I was just chronically ill so I missed school and had trouble putting on weight, have a weirdly high pain tolerance, and had poor spacial awareness so I often bumped into things or fell down (I think i still do actually). I literally had no clue until now when I remembered that while writing this post VHCGUVFCHVVHVHBJ HELP

[huxkisser]

You made me think of what jobs I would give modern AU hux and Kylo, or have given. Most of the time they’re either teenagers or college students in mind (my headcanons for their Majors are Kylo is majoring in kinesiology and Hux double majors in acting and strategic analysis) I’ve definitely taken the figure skater hockey player thing before and if Kylo is a sports player (or a jock in the highschool AUs) i always make it hockey. As for Job Jobs idk I’ve had Hux just Still be in the military once. But most of the modern AU ones I do Hux is like a famous Actor, Model, Dancer, you name it and Kylo is some form of crew member. But that’s more a fame AU then a normal modern AU so I rly don’t know what normal jobs I’d give them

valid honestly. i do enjoy high school/college AUs but i also love making sad men in their thirties fall in love. but also yesss i can definitely see those majors!!!

i know nothing abt ice hockey (unfortunately it’s not really big here :( - but i’ve always thought of kylo as a hockey player. i saw this video of this guy smashing a hockey stick on his knee and the immediately picking up another one and breaking that too and i immediately thought of kylo 😭

i definitely get that i do really like hux being in the military in modern AUs i think it’s something pretty integral to him yk. i have sometimes pictured him and kylo as lawyers or some kind of business men but honestly medical AUs r my favourite (i also like to live vicariously through hux bc i know i could never be a surgeon and he definitely has the discipline and drive for it). but omg model hux is such a good idea i see it 👀👀👀 same w any kind of performing arts i feel like he just has those vibes.

i honestly also really like AUs where kylo is a criminal of some kind lmao or is like. a porn star or something they’re fun

[alittleillumination]

2023 Drama Round-Up!

I know no one asked for this, but I figured I’d post what I’ve watched this year and how I rank them in case anyone is looking for recommendations! I saw @dangermousie did this and stole this idea (hope that’s ok!)

14. Heartbeat: It was…fine? Didn’t really leave me with any lasting impression. Was hoping for more from a drama about a vampire. I need a good vampire drama. This wasn’t it.

13. Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo - So much potential, didn’t live up to the hype. Give me those BATB vibes any day normally, but in this case the FML was too Mary Sue for me.

12. Back from the Brink- Fun! Good side characters! ML bored me to tears. FML carried the drama. Will keep an eye out for her.

11. Moon in the Day: A solid story. Nice and neat. Definitely would watch the ML in other things. I’m always here for a reincarnation storyline.

10. My Journey to You - Esther Yu! Zhang Linghe! Other awesome characters! Vibes! Otherwise just OK, I wasn’t super invested in the story. Would watch a second season if they deign to make one.

9. The King: Eternal Monarch - Another one that had great potential and I ended up somewhat disappointed. The concept was fantastic. I really love a modern day story with a modern monarch who’s beloved. I’m a big fan of the two main actors so that bumped it up the list. Unfortunately their chemistry was only so-so.

8. Tale of the Nine Tailed S1 - LEE YEON AND LEE RANG brother dynamic sobbbb

7. Doom at Your Service - Great leads with awesome chemistry! Sad! Story was simple and sweet.

6. Love is Sweet - OG Bai Lu/Luo Yunxi couple!! I loved them so much, I’m def watching this show again and again. Couldn’t stand the second couple, though, I skipped all of their scenes.

5. Alchemy of Souls S1 - This show has such a phenomenal concept, and a really well flushed out universe. The side characters are all great and three dimensional. I love the magic too. It’s lower on the list just because I’m not as emotionally connected to the leads as I am to those in other shows, but I really love this show.

4. Tale of the Nine-Tailed 1938 - This show has it all: magic, romance, historical setting, fashion, time travel, politics, humor. As much as I love LDW/Lee Yeon, the show was really an ensemble triumph. The story, the action, the humor, everything was top notch. Excelled in surpassing the first season in quality which seems so unlikely but they really did it.

TIED FOR SECOND

Til The End of the Moon - What can I say about this show? It’s wump central. It’s serving misunderstanding trope but make it completely overdone and unbearable. The fake blood budget alone could have paid all of the actors’ salaries. The female lead got shafted in favor of the male lead.

And yet…

You’ll think about this show every day for the rest of your life. I know I do.

(Also credited for the beginning of my obsession with Luo Yunxi. He’s babygirl. Tantai Jin is the best character ever written.)

Goblin - Oh man, this show. THIS SHOW. Despite some controversy over the age difference between the main couple, i love them. I grew up on vampire romance, nothing can sway me there. I really bought into their romance and I was devastated when they went through it. I cried more in this show than I have in any other. I also completely loved and was invested in the second couple, which almost NEVER happens.

Despite the romance of the two couples being stellar, it was the friendship and the found family that really sold it for me. The Goblin and the Grim Reaper have the best friendship and wildly fun chemistry onscreen. I couldn’t get enough of them. I watched the bts of them so many times over.

And my favorite for 2023…

1. Love Between Fairy and Devil - My first Asian drama. My first love. Noting will surpass this. No couple will touch Dongfang Qingcang and Xiao Lan Hua. I’ve rewatched it twice already. It’s the clear winner.

I’m currently watching My Demon and so far it’s rly good. Might break top ten.

On the short list to watch in 2024:

- Alchemy of Souls S2 (I’m not ready for it to end but I NEED to see it)

- Ashes of Love (I’m forcing myself to finish this I HAVE TO FOR LY)

- Story of Kunning Palace

- Only for Love

[hongism]

Can I just say the grip that MOC has on me??? absolutely insane. Like I may rival Hongjoong type of insane, the way you write each character!!!like no character seems to be less complex or pushed in the background they all have such depth about them, same with the planets and side characters too! I absolutely love story telling like this and ugh I could gush about how much I love this story all day.

I wanted to ask questions about MOC but then I realized that all my questions would lead to more questions-

BUT I was thinking about moc hongjoong and it kinda occurred to me that he treats everyone differently and that wouldn’t be a problem if he was normal but now it makes me just side eye him?? Because I do believe that you can see the common denominator of his personality despite who he talks too(like Minho alluded) but it makes me wonder, if mc never actively went against his authority would he had still felt the need to manipulate her from the beginning? Or would he have just done it out of instinct but in a different way?

ALSO I was kinda confused? because everyone in moc likes to speak in riddles about their motives and feelings😭 But Hongjoong is so adamant that he doesn’t need MC even though Seonghwa insists(at the time at least) that he does. Does Hongjoong actually feel like he needs mc?

And I’ve been wondering Mc and Joongs dynamic, it seemed like be “good” at times. Ex: the times they’ve gone to save San together or when he sorta lets her off the hook for things. But it so easily gets flipped at any moment😭is that just because the hate is so strong on both sides that it’s just thin ice? or like revealed does Joon only let the good moments happen when he’s deciding what will make mc the most docile in the moment?

Also is the way Mc feels about Hongjoong(her wanting to be needed, the hatred so intense that anything is ammo, and this hatred going into obsession and in turn obsession making her want him so bad) similar to the way Hongjoong feels about Mc?(I use the term “feel” loosely but the intense hatred, obsession to break and mold her into what he wants)

Basically I think i’m asking does any part of Hongjoong hate Mc so much that it’s turned into “oooo he wants her so bad”like it has for mc(bc this child gives me second hand embarrassment sometimes but same) or is it just the “oooo the captain has a list major issues and mc is challenging a crazy person, therefore he’s just gonna act however makes mc fall in line) kinda like with his scene with Yunho where he was thinking “this simply won’t do.”

This ask is so long I’m so sorry idk what I’m talking about and I never have! No pressure if you can’t answer these yet because I have a billion questions about so many things in MOC that I won’t ask right now BUT I just wanted to tell you how much I admire your work.🥹🤍

hongjoong type of insane pls 😭 but rly thank you so much!! im so glad the characters read well and feel balanced across the crew bc that's one of the harder things to balance with the story haha <3

hongjoong does indeed treat everyone differently hehe part of that has to do with how he runs the crew, where he lets them decide how they want to be treated, but part of that is also just down to him and his personality too! there is indeed a common denominator like you mentioned as well! now, if mc never actively went against his authority, yeah he would have probably been way more normal towards her! which ofc makes it like damn girl you could have had everything you wanted at the cost of what? a slight bit of obedience? but then it wouldn't have been nearly as exciting or fun skksksk there definitely would still have been some manipulation on his part, mostly because that is something deeply rooted in him and something he constantly feels is necessary for 👁️reasons👁️

hongjoong very much puts up a front of not needing y/n, but he very much needs sirens. he knows that she's one, and he hates that that in turn means he needs her but he is adamant that his need for her is solely bc of what she is, not her as a person

hongjoong's mood towards y/n is highly dependent on her own mood towards him. when she acts more hostile, then he responds in kind. hongjoong reacts in extremes, and he does so to everything y/n does. there are times where mc does behave more obediently, and we'll see hongjoong be more lax in those moments, but he also very much likes to let her off the hook on certain things solely bc he wants to see her fail and be able to sort of have this "see, you failed, you need me to make the decisions for you" manipulation tactic

i think it is safe to say that their mutual hatred-obsession-strong lusting is on both ends to an extent but hongjoong wants mc to want him badly enough to make her look stupid bc he's a total psycho LKFJSLD but still we've seen seonghwa call him out point blank for being stupidly obsessed with her too so ! but it leans more on the side of what we saw him do with yunho <3

thank you so much again i love answering asks like this, i'm so sorry it took me such a long time to respond 🥹🥹🥹

[absolutelyinlove]

let's talk: canon events! how'd you get into the dream team? what brought you to dtblr?

oh god ok my like. origin story of how i started watching dteam is insanely convoluted so i’m going to put it under the cut and like. to preface i just need u to know i’ve never been normal about anything in my life like i am so completely incapable of having passive interests. that is really crucial to understand

ok. So. basically i’ve always been super into mcyt content, i was a Massive cube smp + cube uhc stan back when that was a thing, i was like. 12-14 at the time but i was on stan twitter, wrote rpf on wattpad, experienced the severe trauma of ccs i wrote about Finding my fic and talking about it very publicly. The whole experience. and then when cube smp started to die my overall mcyt interest heavily faded, i’ve still always been incredibly fixated on minecraft itself i used to be super into uhc and other competitive gamemodes but in terms of actually watching content creators that was like. something that kinda faded in and out i’d go through long phases of watching nothing at all sometimes for entire years then randomly get slapped by nostalgia and fall back into it and rewatch old series’, etc.

but anyway. i had other interests, i had a different main fandom, i was still on stan twitter (kpop twitter to be specific) when dream rly started blowing up and. All i ever heard abt him was negative. because i was. on kpop twitter where like everyone was just excited there was a New Most Hated Fandom on the internet so he was an extremely common punching bag and i just Solely knew of him in a negative light and i’d never actually watched him to form my own opinions because (and this sounds so absurd) i also had this very irrational Jealousy toward the like. “new wave” of mcyt stans in 2019-2020 because suddenly it was a COMMON mainstream fandom and it ABSOLUTELY WASNT back when /i/ was a teenager and at my peak obsession so therefore all i felt was very misplaced dislike because How come this massive fanbase wasn’t around when this was My interest ? anyway.

Then like. sometime still in 2020 ? my irl friend sent me a manhunt and was like u NEED to watch this (because all my irls know i am. Very abnormal about competitive minecraft content) and i was like. Huh is it time for me to finally watch this dream guy. and i watched it and well it was very inevitable i got hooked because manhunt is soooo comedically perfect in terms of how me-catered it is, it is Literally everything i could ever ask for in terms of youtube content so it was absolutely over for me and i binged the entire series over the course of like. a week. and at first i really did think i would just be a passive youtube fan, because again. all i’d ever heard about dream was that he was a Bad Person and therefore i really did Try not to get invested beyond just thinking the videos were good but ofc as soon as i finished watching every manhunt that was out at the time i moved onto other dteam videos and i just fell reallyyyyy really in love with their dynamic and it was like. MAN! i had to accept i was growing attached and i Wanted to know more abt them at this point. i watched every single video on dream’s channel by the time i accepted Okay im in too deep now i want to know more.

this is the part that is going to make me sound incredibly fuckin g crazy so i need u to just hear me out. so i started googling dream and looking at the dsmp wiki (because as a youtube-only viewer i knew Nothing about dsmp other than people on my side of twitter hating it) and i was so surprised to realize hbomb was a member i’m crying because i knew him from CUBE SMP!!!!!!! i was like whta the fuck. now i feel Obligated to care like this is my Past combining with the present… it’s like fate… so then. naturally. i Looked up like. Reasons Dream Is Problematic threads on twitter. because i was like if im going to do this i need to know what exactly i am going into here i want to know why this dude is so hated and i unironically went through every single thread and callout post i could find, looking at Every reason someone gave for hating him then looking up the original clip with full context and watching it for myself so i could make my own judgement of it and also looking into how he responded and that was how i realized Oh like 87% of this is exaggerated and the stuff that’s true is either kind of nothing or he seems to be trying to do better. And that was how i decided. He is just some guy who seems very well-meaning and is making efforts to Grow and Now i can allow myself to . watch his stream vods? i know ho w crazy this sounds im crying but u need to understand i genuinely waited to watch any vods and grow attached to his content in a non-casual way until after i was SURE no secret horrible misdeeds were going to catch me off guard and i’d realize i didn’t actually want to support him i’m fucking crying

and then naturally ijust got incredibly fixated on mcc when i discovered That and that was what led me to watching a ton of other streamers, i was never super into dsmp but i Did get very into watching non-lore dsmp vods and just. tons of vods in general. i got severely fixated on mcsr around this time too which was awesome until it Wasn’t and i made a lurker account on twitter like literally a priv with 0 followers where i only followed ccs because i didn’t want to follow them from my acct with all my kpoptwt mutuals and get Called a freak for supporting dream. i also kept up very closely with any drama/situations involving dream even before being on dttwt in any capacity because again. i just like to have full context for everything so this was like. when i was unfortunately a very active dwt2 user because that was mostly how i stayed in the loop with things and tbf at the time it was actually a pretty good place for nuanced discussion this was before it got terribly unbearable but. Yeah. i started reading heat waves “ironically” while it was ongoing like i was reading it bookclub-style with my dranti friends and pretending i knew nothing abt dream or george outside the context of the fic (I AM TERRIBLE) but i ended up getting curious about what other fics were out there and that was how i started reading dnf earnestly.

i didn’t start writing until wayyyyy later after i came out of the dream stan closet to my friend reyna (still the only one of my kpoptwt-era friends who knows i am. the way that i am) in like. mid 2021? and i got them invested in dteam too and then in december 2021 we made our ao3s + new twitter accts together and both started writing fics

as for dtblr in specific i am relatively new here i guess ! i have been a long time lurker as i’ve always preferred tumblr for fandom discussion compared to twitter but i was always too shy to actually make my own account andddd because i started on twitter and had exclusively used twitter in my previous fandom it just like. Came more naturally to me and it’s so good for fic promo i just. Accepted it. but then after october several of my friends and like at least half of my mutuals at the time all became antis and once i was back to feeling. normal about consuming fandom content in like late october early november i desperately wanted to have a place where i wasn’t being made to feel GUILTY constantly so i finally made an acct over here so i’d have at least one space where i could Talk Freely about fandom things without expecting 10 people to tell me to kms for it. (don’t worry i eventually did finally make a new priv and i’m no longer held hostage by ex-stan mutuals on twitter but it was ROUGH at the time like so many of my friends have told me they assumed i’d just lost most of my interest and was only still in the fandom for the sake of writing because i never talked abt anything anymore for so long IT WAS BAD I JUST FELT SILENCED but im free now i promise) so yeah.

but don’t worry now i am here less out of “i have nowhere else to go” necessity and actually just because i Do enjoy it and i prefer it immensely to maintwt i am so content now with basically solely talking abt fandom things here and on my privtwt and just using main for fic talk life is beautiful !

sorry this is really fucking absurdly long i am so normal

[xxwelxx]

Some of my favorite words to use in English sentences are “bas” بس which directly translates to “but”

They’re similar enough that I say it in front of people who don’t understand Arabic and they don’t bat an eye coz it’s short, quick, similar, and the context is easy to grasp.

I type it a lot, it’s become second nature to me, I fear one day I’ll write an essay and use bas instead of but.

Another one I like is “ya3nee” ‏يعني

It means “like” or “as though”

The 3 (ع) might need some getting used to if you’re saying it outloud coz it’s a pretty difficult sound to make if you’ve never had to make it before. You could alway pronounce it like “yaanee” until you learn the actual pronunciation tho :3

My favorite thing about this is you can combine this with “bas” and get “bas ya3nee…” which is exactly the same feeling as saying “but like…” 25 times in a row while you’re blanking on what to say next. It could also be used to connect your last thoughts back to the main point rly quickly

Another one I like saying a lot is “KHALAS” خلاص 

It means enough or stop

Kh (خ), like in the name Khaled, is also a bit of a difficult letter, however I’ve found over the years that people can pronounce it if you ask them to pronounce a different letter 7 (ح), like in Ahmad. It’s always akhmad, and I think you should use that to your advantage to help you refine the other letter. Ur on ur own for ح tho I’m sorry I don’t have any life hacks for u there <//3

I do want to put a disclaimer tho, this is a very VERY gentle letter. People usually put too much force on it and it could end up hurting your throat. If you feel pain when practicing this letter you’re likely doing it wrong please don’t push your voice in that direction

:[

I usually use khalas when I’m laughing so much at something or when I’m ranting about something that annoys me.

“KHALAS ENOUGH ENOUGH” is probably a message I send my irls a lot (coz they make me laugh so much :3c) and “ khalas ya3nee” is sent when I’m complaining about something.

These aren’t as easy to unawkwardly tack onto your messages as the examples above mine, but they’re still things I say, n I think even just knowing what they mean would be better lest I say something like 3ankaboot and you think I’m keyboard smashing in the middle of a sentence. (It means spider btw :p🕷️🕷️🕷️)

I just felt like sharing 😁😁

It would be so awesome if Arabic was more normalized, a lot of my natural reactions are done in Arabic despite what language I’m speaking and I’ve definitely felt like I should repress a lot of that when speaking to others in the past few years.

i think we should all start using arabic words and phrases more often because its a beautiful language and also theres not really. english equivalents that have the same vibes

theres also the comedy potential of it. you guys dont know the joy of having your muslim friend text you "hopefully the racists in our city will all get sick and cant go to the protest" and you, as a pasty white guy, responding with "inshallah they get covid"

its a one hit KO every time. its fucking hilarious. theres no english word that has the same effect.

he also once texted me that he got over a mysterious illness he came down with (i think? i cant remember the exact context) and i responded with "subhanallah he is cured"

again, one hit KO. he lost his shit.

what im saying is we gotta normalise arabic. its just a language like any other, and it has some great words. its just like saying "thank god" or whatever, but theres so much variety and nuance. its beautiful

[muiltifandomnerd]

Hey this is me, from a backup obv. Sorry it’s really long

I just wanted to explain why I got mad and give you a proper goodbye (and apology) bc I didn’t at the time. I figured you’d need a few days to cool off, so that’s I’m doing this now and not the morning after. I usually don’t get mad at you, that was genuinely the first time that I’ve been genuinely like mad; I reacted rly badly not because you don’t like Lois Lane but bc it was just a lot of things piling up and it was just sort of the straw that broke the camels back yk. Regardless of why though it was very mean and unfair and I should’ve tried to just take a step back and find a kind/productive way to say what I wanted to. It was just in that moment I wasn’t really thinking so I’m sorry.

At first I was just kinda annoyed that you brought up Lois Lane, bc it is a conversation we’ve had multiple times and it is one that I never particularly enjoyed bc it’s hard to explain what I mean/how I feel about her. Specifically though, when we talk it feels like you don’t listen or jump to a conclusion before just asking me to clarify, which bothers me more bc I know it’s something you’ve told me not to do. When we talk I often feel like you hold me to a standard that you don’t hold yourself (for example spelling things wrong but correcting my spelling), it comes off as if you do only talk to me for reassurance or an ‘ego boost’. It also just annoyed me that we were talking about this again bc like I’ve said before one of my biggest pet peeves is not being listened to. It feels like a lot of the time you want to avoid arguments (which I agree with, arguments suck) but it seems like you only ever consider that you could be in the right ab them when often times neither of us are. Specifically ab the avoiding topics thing, I have to work hard to avoid talking ab stuff that you don’t agree with but you regularly bring stuff up that you know we disagree on and then get annoyed whenever I try to express that I do disagree; Whenever I express an opinion that you don’t rightly agree with or just try to explain, you assume I’m arguing or mad or stupid and are often times rude but if I talked to you the way you talked to me I know you wouldn’t like it. I know I’m just a not very sensitive person in general, and maybe I do come off harsh, but it feels like I have to walk on eggshells half of the time just to have a normal conversation and I just ‘snapped’. I am genuinely really sorry, it was mean and unfair and I should’ve taken the time to explain what I meant before blowing up on you. I genuinely really enjoy talking to you most of the time though, literally like five seconds before Lois Lane was brought up I was thinking ab how much I enjoyed having normal conversations with you. It does seem though, that we might be too different and after everything i understand not wanting to talk to me again. If you ever need anything or just to vent or something though, don’t be afraid to reach out.

Goodbye, and I’m sorry

If I wanted an ego chamber, I would have never been friends with you in the first place. Look I’m sorry if I made you feel like you are not listened, I do enjoy your counter arguments even though I don’t necessarily agree with your points. I already forgiven about that day but I don’t feel like rekindling our friendship. You went to far and I feel like I do have to walk around eggshells as well. Like you get angry pretty easily when I don’t agree with your thing and you just snap alot, you just always expect a debate even though I don’t necessarily have the energy for it.

I do thank you for helping me out with my pjo fanfic even though you just not into it anymore, so you did help me go though with writting my fanfic. I do like the dc and marvel posts you kept sending.

If it makes you feel any better, I’m not into supporting RFK jr anymore and I do think all politicians suck ass now. To the point I’m not even going to vote.

I do kept forgetting of not talking certain topics that you just not into (Lois, Azula, Bruce, etc), so my bad. Forgive me for my shitty memory.

I’m at a bad place now, so I don’t think I have a patience to have these argument in the first place and I do think we should stoping talking to each other for both our sakes.

Honestly I just feel like you looking for a fight and it’s a bit hard for me tell you my complete thoughts because you do jump into conclusions a lot and don’t let me explain myself. I do try to understand your answers a lot even though my replies are a bit dryer.

Look I know there are some things I fucked up on, like me jumping into conclusions a lot and me being super blunt, which could tick you off or that I can be a bit repetitive on my opinions which tick you off. Yes I kept coming to you in reassurance because Im not that confident on my opinons being valid so my bad if you feel like I don’t listen to you enough or dare I say if my opinons are offensive.

Im just done having these arguments and I just believe that maybe it’s best to move on from each other.

Im sorry for things I messed up and I hope that my apology is good enough. Have fun getting a cottegecore life.

Good luck with your life.

[binders-and-beanies]

Mental health updates under the cut I guess (tldr I’m still not ok but am taking steps to keep myself safe or whatever)

Told my supervisor I’m in crisis and he was super understanding n supportive n whatnot. We both are trans and have mental health issues and work in an lgbt center so one would hope it’s safe to be honest abt that kind of thing but it was a relief bc it also opened up a conversation abt scheduling moving forward n me having like 2 or 3 days off a week as opposed to the current 1 or 0. Esp since higher ups want me to work less anyways im like that’s totally fine bc i have a million things to do outside of work all the time.

Other thing I did was cancel a workshop I was gonna lead next week and it was a really hard decision. I would have been proud afterwards and I’m worried abt having regrets but I’ve done the same workshop before so it’s off the bucket list or whatev. Person in charge of that was also super supportive for similar reasons as above. It doesn’t solve the problem of there always being too many things stressing me out, and I don’t wanna set a precedent that I can just not do my responsibilities, but it eases a big part of the stress this month specifically.

Ppl in my life are saying they’re proud of me for setting that boundary and it’s weird to be praised for bailing on smth when I’m also feeling big guilty abt it but I gotta remind myself that being flakey is absolutely normalized in society and if ur average person can do so on the regular then I’m allowed to take One step back once it’s gotten to the point where my safety is questionable. I’d like to get to a point where things don’t get that serious in the first place but I’ve also never rly appreciated feeling blamed for being in this kind of position when the kind of things I’m busy with are mostly 1) things that are required for survival and 2) things that make it feel worth surviving. As if this is smth i do to myself bc i just <3 capitalism or smth

Im stressin tho bc as mentioned earlier my job is at risk for unrelated reasons which also means a lot of other things are at risk. This is happening at the same time I’ve just lost my insurance and have my biggest ever college bill to pay. And now I don’t know where I’ll be living or what that will mean for my finances either. It would also mean it takes even longer to qualify for any kind of credit, and therefore an apartment.

Even if nothing happens and I just keep working here for another year as planned it’s like can I not get JUMPSCARED w my livelihood being threatened like there’s literally always at least one Huge actual life or death problem as well as many other less catastrophic but extremely stressful things to deal w. I’m tired of living like that w no relief and I hate that the best case scenario is this fear ends up being for nothing. I hate that I’m thinking abt what I’ll do in x y or z scenario for this summer and my masters if this falls through, instead of enjoying the relief of one less thing on my plate.

I hate that this is how I’m doing the day after my birthday. I had a fun birthday weekend and am grateful for the people I spent it with and the places I went but it didn’t feel like genuine celebration it felt forced, like I was doing it because I Have to have a good birthday. Bc if one of the most important days of the year isn’t joyful then where’s the hope of any other days getting better. I did enjoy it I just couldn’t Feel the enjoyment bc I’m so stressed and I had major breakdowns before and after my bday. It sets a bad tone regarding aging and I want to celebrate progress but it’s hard when the future is more terrifying every year.

I feel like even if all my problems were magically solved, my ability to feel joy is permanently altered and it’s hard to imagine feeling anything more positive than just like, relief and rest. Idk I say all that to say I’m proud of myself for taking steps to make life more livable just like I’ve always done but it also feels kinda hopeless like nothing I do matters if it’s gonna be constant stress regardless

[a-nice-egg-offering]

I always heard there were things you can do to tell if you’re dreaming or not like apparently you can’t read in dreams or u don’t have a phone in dreams and those things have never been true for me (the phone thing obviously only since I’ve had a phone) and many other things I can’t think of off the top of my head but apparently lucid dreaming is the exception to these rules so basically autism moment 1097 finding out ur normal dreams have been lucid dreams ur whole life lol. It can get quite stressful tho bc my dreams are so realistic sometimes I don’t know when I’m awake or when I’m dreaming especially when my mental health is bad it can drive me a bit insane bc ill think I’ve done something that I haven’t or had a conversation with someone that I haven’t and then I’m confused that they don’t know what I’m talking about lol it is helpful however bc when something rly unrealistic happens I immediately know I’m dreaming and I’m able to tell my mind to avoid nightmare scenarios

[real-life-cloud]

text messages are scary …………………