#I know so much is in the past
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man having grown up in an abusive household makes it so hard to tell when something is a normal disagreement a normal family would have and what is a fight that is absolutely something a normal healthy family would never ever haveā¦ likeā¦. š
#it happened so fast too I canāt even process how it set off#context being my mom got really dizzy which happens because of her condition#and so we asked her to lay down#about 30 min later sheās back up again making sandwiches for my dad#we all start like calmly kinda teasingly being like cmon dad#she should be laying down why did you have her get up for that#and then my sister said something and then my dad got louder and she got louder and I was like why are we yelling#and so I had to get loud and it was just a whole mess#and my dad got really really fucking mad#and was being a total dick in my opinion#over likeā¦ nothing#and my mom sounded all scared and idk man it was a very weird interaction#and I was really shocked up about it because my brain just always goes back to when we used to get hit#but weāre adults now so Iām sure that wonāt happen again but sometimes the way my dad gets pissed off#like it feels like it still could happen again one day yknoā¦.#idk#I know so much is in the past#but it still feels like it happen again every so often and itās very very very scary lol#anyways I canāt wait to leave <3 hahaha#but seriously like is that normal idk probably not I wish I had some sort of reference to what a healthy parent is supposed to be like#i donāt know a single person with a good relationship w their parents at least not both of them#itās always just like one or none of them lmao#anyways#</3#abuse cw#also to make matters worse this all happened during our movie nights weāve been having#to make my sisters boyfriend feel welcome in the family#since he moved in#like I canāt imagine moving into my partners house#and just hearing like constant screaming fighting matches randomly throughout the week like ok ššš
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Physically? I am sitting in my bedroom. Mentally? Spiritually? I AM DEAD ON THE FLOOR!!!!! THESE TWO HAVE KILLED ME!!!!
(Another drawing! This was originally attempt #1 at drawing stan, and then fiddleford just showed up. Kinda feels like them five minutes after the above acting like nothing happened though, so it works sdjkgkjfshj)
#HEALED FIDDLEFORD HAS ME BOUNCING OFF THE FUCKING WALLS!!!!!!! GIVE THE MAN A BRIGHT HAPPY FUTURE!!! FUCK!!!!!#I don't know how i'm coming off right now#when i say that i've been super manic about them for the past week I really mean it#guys Idk but I think I might be fiddlestans number one fan#I liked this pairing before book of bill and after reading it it only solidified things#IT IS SO MUCH MORE THAN A CRACK SHIP TO ME!!!!!!!!#fiddlestan#gravity falls#anyway this is supposed to be them the next summer#stan is working the shack to tutor soos for tourist season#fiddleford has changed while the twins were on the stan o war#STAN DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL AT FIRST and they have a lot of shit to work through from their past before they can start making out dksjds#sketchbook#traditional art#pencil drawing#traditional drawing#stanley pines#fiddleford mcgucket#gravity falls fanart
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I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.
I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:
Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)
Getting the dƩcor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' dƩcor section and I adore it)
Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often
Eat dessert first
Celebrate well, and often
Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)
Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.
Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate
Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)
Walk without having a specific destination or goal
Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.
I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.
#mental health#mental health support#positivity#if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them!#i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all..#...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in...#...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air...#...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life...#...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with...#...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it...#...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it#i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive#unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better
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crowley
#fem presenting crowley you're everything to me#as you might know I've been recovering from an injury these past few weeks which is why I couldn't draw as much as usual#been doing a bit better so I wanted to give drawing a try again#while my arm isn't back to normal yet it feels a LOT better than 2 weeks ago#which is a good sign#still gonan take things easy of course#good omens#good omens fanart#crowley#fem crowley#why was one of teh suggestions for that tag fem crocodile#I'll have to look that up#david tennant#crowley fanart#aziracrow#aziracrow fanart#my art#fanart#my good omens art#good omens 2
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Someone's last crush didn't live up to the hype š¬
#yes fyodor literally called dazai by name a second ago what of it#WHY did he say it like that!! ''atsushi i'm going home to sleep come with me š'' WHAT#i don't even know if this should count as ship art it reads more like fyodor's obsession with dazai grasping at straws to bounce back#up next: fyodor's past flirting with natsume TRUST dazai was the also a bounceback bf#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs#bsd fanart#bsd spoilers#bsd manga spoilers#bsd 119#bsd atsushi#bsd nakajima atsushi#bsd fyodor#bsd fyodor dostoyevsky#nawy's comics#i tried to get something out of this comic but i have so much trouble being funny these days i'm so dissatisfied with everythingš
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the new jjk cafe fits have been living in my head . no thoughts except yuuji in a letterman
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#itafushi#fushiita#yuji itadori#fushiguro megumi#megumi fushiguro#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#havent had yuuji fight me this hard in a MINUTE omg far left took forever i redrew his face and hair like 10 times minimum#he looks good now but like rly yuuji i thought we were past this i thought we were cool :((((#i put Hand On Thigh and this is how u repay me.....#sighs#whatever this took a million years longer than it should but im finally happy with it im finally done ths all that matters#i dont know what yuuji's pants look like in the official art but i ripped them as a treat fr me :)#ik theyre probably just regular jeans but i think yuuji deserves to show a lil knee#real talk tho yuuji's fit is so so good i love it so much. megumi i am ehhhhhh but it's on brand fr him#plus i like that they dress him like he's canonically cold all the time lmao yuuji in a light sweater n megumi in a thermal and puffer coat#its what they deserve
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Soup solves everything.
#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#Senshi#izutsumi#chilchuck tims#laios touden#marcille donato#THE SOUP CHAPTER HAS BEEN ANIMATED#I have so many thoughts about senshi's backstory and how much that experience has shaped who he is.#This is such a powerful moment because it makes it clear how *stuck* senshi has been because of his trauma.#Up until now he has been a mystery! He's the chef guy! Don't worry about his apparent reclusiveness from society!#Don't worry about his intense need to make sure 'the young ones are fed'!#Senshi still has a lot of healing but this was the moment he could finally forgive himself.#This chapter is so important to me because sometimes you truly do need to face the most terrifying things to move past them.#This joke here is a bit too narrow to be funny for the masses...but mdzs fans know.#MDZS :handshake: Dungeon Meshi: Soup moment.#Laios and Jiang Yanli have a powerful magic call "Eat some soup and maybe you'll feel better'#That is also a spell you can cast upon yourself. Go eat some soup and you will feel better. Merry Soupmas everyone.#One more week of Thistle Thursdays....I'm not ready to say goodbye B*(
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mmm not to be a solasmancer on main but im thinking about those few days after the Cole debacle if a solavellan Inquisitor encourages him to remain a spirit. just. Solas, watching her fret so much in the aftermath, terrified that she may have taken someone's choice away, worried that she influenced what Cole wanted somehow, watching her sheer relief and unbridled joy after Cole's, free and light and brimming with happy incredulity, "but you didnāt change, didnāt make me change. Thank you". He watches her, and thinks of Mythal. Thinks of devotion, and abuse. Regret. Thinks of Cole, and spirits and Wisdom and Pride- Thinks, wistfully, achingly, "in her hands, I might have been safe".
#i know the fandom (myself included) had already pretty solidly agreed on the Was a Spirit until Mythal made him an Elvhen thing#but having the canon confirmation and the heartbreaking dialog about it really just#makes a lot of Solas' past little moments in dai so much more poignant#i already have SO many emotions about the Spirit Cole path#like the follow up scene makes me cry almost every time and now!??#da:v#datv#da:v spoilers#datv spoilers#veilguard#veilguard spoilers#dragon age veilguard#dragon age veilguard spoilers#solas#solavellan#cole dai#ugh
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š±āļø (crop from this month's patreon piece)
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#thanks to everyone who's supported me there over the past couple of years#i know i haven't posted much publicly#most of what i've done lately is only on there bc it's either hard to crop and share nicely#or it's just sketches#the past 2ish years have been the worst of my life so unfortunately that translates also to less art to share
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This past year and three months have been such an awakening for Jewish people, but one with a certain flair of absurdity. It feels like un-reality, like a wicked nightmare you can't wake up from. It's like the entire world has lost its mind and when you try to tell them this isn't normal, that what they're doing is wrong, they twist reality itself to say that no it is actually normal, it is you who is wrong. They dehumanize you, treat you as a symbol of evil and disgust. It's like we all woke up a year ago no longer humans, something else, something vile, like a bug, like a... oh. oh.
#i very much already know what the story is about#but i was thinking of how much i would like to put into writing the experience of the past year#and the horror of the world we live in and how un-human we suddenly are to so many people#(or more accurately how openly they finally are about what they've been thinking all along)#and then i realized that well the story has already been written#it's always the same#an endless cycle we can't break out of#jewish things#jumblr#antisemitism#kafka#the metamorphosis
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leftists genuinely need to start confronting the fact that if theyāre unwilling to associate with anyone who has āconnectionsā to israel or israelis then theyāre never going to know a single jew
#jumblr#judaism#leftist antisemitism#antizionism#jewish#and don't try to pick a token jew in your life that you think has properly cleansed themselves of any ties to israel#so you can now parade them around as an example and absolve yourself#because i guarantee that they are intentionally not being fully transparent with you#because they know how you'll react. they know deep down that no matter how antizionist they are they will always be A Jew#anyway almost half of the world's jewish population lives in israel#do i love that globally jews are becoming less and less diasporic?#and condensing so much in one place typically by force/necessity? no! it terrifies me! that cannot bode well for us!#but that is the current reality. and it means that much of the world's jewish culture is centered in & around israel#so any jews who are connected to jewish culture & community will therefore automatically be connected to....yeah. israel.#sorry that that is so deeply inconvenient to leftists but it's past time to wake the fuck up and engage with reality#because you're never going to get anywhere without jews#text#suchbeloved
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It's "bully Azul" time !!
(Og post here)
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#(it pained me so much to draw Azul in the ugly Subway uniform)#you know#the more I think about it the more I realize I didn't grow past the 4 year old phase of bullying the kid you like#what do you mean 'I can't put snails on their head'?#how am I supposed to get their attention otherwise ?#that's me with my blorbos#I'm actually a 4 year old kid cosplaying as an adult#mello's drawings#twisted wonderland#twst#jamil viper#azul ashengrotto#twst mc#twst yuu#meme redraw#azujami#jamiazu#ashenviper#art#my art#oc x canon#yuu
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heres a crappy venn (??) diagram explaining the dynamics in the tl4j time travel au bc it's easier than trying to write a full plot
#tl4j time travel au#slightly longer ver is cal and ezra have 1. accepted what's happened to them and 2. know tragedy has given them an amazing found family#which they wouldnt have if everything was 'fixed'#and ezra knows from the wbw that changing the past is a Bad idea (which alongside the found family thing cal accepts n agrees w)#but ahsoka cant take her own advice and insists fixing this is Different to the Kanan thing#bc she has not accepted it the same way and her life is soo much more depressing and seeing the live republic reminds her#if she fixed the timeline she'd have her whole family back (bc rn she just has luke) and thered be so much less horrible horrible loss#and luke is the force's specialest boy so he assumes itll all work out great#its basically 'attachments + compassion for those the empire killed' vs 'attachments + acceptance of the world that exists now'#like both 'sides' are going half good jedi ideology and half attachment ig (tho cal n ezra i think have a one-up on jedi-ness of their idea#misc tag#but even tho cal n ahsoka/ ezra n luke have opposed goals theyre the only ones who understand what the other is going thru#so u get fun dynamics as shown by the diagram
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crowley!
#on his way to seduce his angel#which won't take much effort#or any at all#I've been working on nothing but my book thes past few weeks#and my brain is fried#so I really needed to just draw a hot demon again#and also let you know that im still alive#good omens#good omens fanart#crowley#crowley fanart#david tennant#david tennant fanart#GO#go fanart#my good omens fanart#digital art#fanart#e
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happy birthday to one of the greatest fics of all time <3 ( @bisexuallsokka , thank you for writing this masterpiece.)
#atla#zukka#zuko x sokka#zukka fanart#atla fanart#tangled au#now that i see you#now that i see you fanart#fic fanart#so. this ficā¦#I know Iāve talked about it like. two or three times in the past#but Iām so serious about it#genuinely it is one of the greatest fics Iāve ever read not even exclusive to this fandom#itās so well written and thought out and carefully crafted#(much like the rest of Joās work but I donāt want these tags to be overly long)#so if you are a tangled fan and anyone with a brain#please give this fic a read#literally? it will change your life#anyway happy birthday to this masterclass beautiful extraordinary masterpiece
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dead man walking
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#itadori yuuji#yuji itadori#yuuji#fanart#jjk fanart#not me triple counting that i drew all 20 fingers gHJFHGH#in the sketch i only had 18 so that tells u all u need to know about my ability to count past 5#so much RED in this i feel so at home#challenges self one (1) time to not use red in a piece n IMMEDIATELY drowns the next one in it afterwards#listen . listen ok if tbhk can do it so can i .#is yuuji's character colour technically orange ???? lmao well not with me its not slaps red on that boy#i love u yuuji sorry i keep drawing u sad and/or cannibalistic :(
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