#I know logically I could add something positive like 'you're not too much the right person will stick around!'

[fruchtfliege]

🐺🤍💋🫡🧪 ALL!!! I NEED THEM ALL!!!

...ask from this post...

🐺 - stuck as a wolf!theo

“And if ever it becomes too much in there, then we'll just leave. Leaving is always an option,” Mason adds with a kind smile. “And you won't be alone for the pack meeting. We're all coming. And we'll all have your back! Mostly. We'll mostly all have your back!”

Liam straightens himself a bit, nodding at the logical and calming words.

“Honestly, I'd be more worried about your boyfriend potentially biting Stiles' head off if he says something mean to you.”

Liam sends him a smile.

“Thanks, I needed that,” Liam says and, with one final exhale, he finally looks confident enough to face the day.

Mason frowns at him. That wasn't… the last one wasn't supposed to be a comforting statement. He was serious!

🤍 - first chimera!liam

Theo can't help it. He looks back and freezes when he spots Liam already staring at him. It had been difficult to really see him yesterday between the chaos and the obscurity of the night but, now, it's undeniable. Liam is hot. Like hot hot. And he has a smile that makes him look like he's got nothing between his ears. Theo didn't know that could be a positive attribute but it's now at the very top of his list of “must have”s.

💋 - petopher mean girls!au

“If ever you think I'm slipping, like… if I forget the plan and I'm letting Peter have his way again… I'd like for you to tell me,” Chris admits with more vulnerability than he'd like. He's not used to asking for help. It feels wrong in his mouth.

Melissa nods, understanding the seriousness of his request. “You're slipping.”

“Yeah, just say it like that, it doesn't need to be a big-”

“No, I mean it. You're slipping.”

“What!?” Chris can't help but scream. “But we barely started and I'm… I’m fine!”

She keeps her spoon in her mouth for a few more seconds just to slap his arm. Then, she takes back her spoon.

“I know you didn't put up a fight at Halloween,” she scolds him.

“I did!”

Melissa gives him her mom look. It's terrifying. It's a “I know you better than you know yourself, you can't fool me” look. The worst part is that she's right.

🫡 - the caretaker

“And don't ever talk like that about my best friend or I swear it won't end well for you,” Theo warns Liam, still haunted by his words, the self-loathing not sitting right by him even an hour later. 

Liam is shocked and he makes a pleased little gasp, a grin on his lips for the first time tonight. He tilts his head to the side. “I'm your best friend?”

“Not much competition these days…” Theo tries to mock but it's too vulnerable for it to have any punch. “I know I'm not yours, that's fine.” 

“Well, I can have two best friends!” Liam says, very excited about this new genius idea of his. 

“No, I- Liam, the fucking point of a best friend is that it's the best of all your friends. The point is to have one.” 

“I have two best friends,” Liam repeats to himself like he enjoys how it makes him feel. Happy, Theo guesses by his goofy expression and the content chemosignals.

Theo sighs, pretending to be annoyed, but it's the first time he can sense any type of positive emotion from Liam tonight so he takes it as a victory. In the darkest corner of his heart, he's secretly pleased by the idea of being Liam's second best friend. Even if it's definitely not a thing!

🧪 - re-animator au

“Well, as you said, officer, we weren’t close.”

The officer raises an eyebrow at Theo's smug attitude. “No, but I know at least one of you was close to Ms Romero,” the cop says, shifting his gaze to Liam who starts sweating out of fear. Lying isn't his best skill.

Just as he opens his mouth to try and spin a story that doesn't involve necromancy, Liam spots a hand – as in only a hand – running loose on their living room floor. Liam screams, instinctively moving closer to Theo who, judging by his shocked but amused face, has also seen the experiment running free. The hand sprints everywhere on its little fingers but thankfully makes its way behind the couch before the two cops can see it.

“Oh… A spider! He’s very afraid of-” Theo says smoothly before he gets a rough elbow jammed into his ribs.

“What did you do!?” Liam whisper-screams at Theo.

“Nothing!” Theo says, his eyes never leaving the two cops in their apartment. “It’s not like I control the spider population in the house, Liam!”

Liam gives him a mean glare like he knows damn well Theo is responsible for this. As if they didn't have enough problems with the cops asking questions! Before he can think of a way to subtly say all of this without alerting the two police officers taking notes of their every move and word, Liam sees the hand creeping out of the couch, its fingers making the faintest tap tap tap on its way to the kitchen.

“Well, can you go and control this one!?” Liam snarls through gritted teeth.

[letmeoutofthebasementt]

Hyunjin in relationships Astro pt.2

This is the second part of my other Hyunjin reading. I'm going to be so for real here, I was going to add more aspects and stuff I look into but this is already way too long. So...Yeah. Also, preferably you should start with my tarot reading here

Pt. 1

So, to start, if Hyunjin was married to his partner he'd like their marriage to be very orderly and structured. He'd want a balanced family life that's harmonious and a place where he and his family can be truly at ease. Though if he ever had kids he'd definitely struggle with laying down the law for them and probably be prone to spoiling them rotten, so his partner would have to be the authoritative figure.

He's very responsible and practical in matters of the heart, all things considered. At first when he falls it's a steady, controlled love before it very quickly consumes his entire being because that's how he is.

His love is definitely the type that flip-flops. It could go from calm, fluffy romance to (Tell me why I was about to put Kevin Gates...Never that) this passionate, fiery, sensual kind of romance.

He could be prone to...Abusing his natural sexuality? Like he'll use...Intimacy to get out of situations or gain what he wants. Like (I'm trying to keep this PG13 so bear with me here and I really don't know if I used the right bear but it's like 3:00 AM and I can't be assed to check) for example, him and his partner have a disagreement about something so he uses his...Body against them? Like next thing you know you're rolling around in the sheets unable to think straight and he's like "So yeah can we get a dog?" And naturally you say yes because you're not thinking straight because it's Hwang motherfucking Hyunjin and next thing you know you have a dog

Arguments? Minor quarrels? Jealousy? Etc. etc. Any and everything

Hyunjin 100% is the type of partner to take you on a date to the mall and something and it's almost like a mini fashion show. You'll probably walk out with arms full of new clothes.

So much in his chart revolves around either sexuality or romance. Like it's split 50/50. So.

He's most definitely the jealous type. He gets very paranoid and overthinks everything. Probably the type that doesn't introduce you to the group or his friends for a while, not because he wants to hide you but because he's scared you'll fall for one of them or vice versa, and he just overthinks everything.

I wouldn't be surprised if Hyunjin has had breakups because he cheated. LIKE, I think he's a generally loyal partner, but he's very influenced by the people around him. If they're cheating, he thinks it's okay for him to. And cheating is very normalized in Korea, ESPECIALLY via prostitution, and he has a very strong sex drive. Granted, apparently he has a very religious background which would kind of repel him from cheating? So it's a toss up.

But he's also very restless. If things are the same for too long he grows bored of it. If things are too easy for too long he grows bored of it. And then he starts to wander. And settling down in general is a task for him. And sure he should probably just break up if he notices his eye wandering, but he doesn't want to hurt you, so naturally (note my sarcasm, but this is just how I see his logic being), he just needs to keep it a secret and stay with you, right?

Then you find out.

But with Hyunjin...He could be cheating for YEARS before you find out.

Now, if he has a lot of positive influences cheating won't be something you have to worry about. And even if his eye wanders he'll probably just break up because he doesn't wish to hurt you.

And if he's genuinely in love with you you don't have to worry about him cheating either.

But do you remember how I said he's prone to be in relationships but never in love with the other party? Yeah.

He also expects impossible and unreasonable things from his partners.

He's drawn to things that are forbidden, and loves a chase in love. Not in the sense of "Oh, let's pursue this person who so obviously wants me to stop" but kind of in the sense that in love he likes someone who keeps him on his toes and makes him have to work hard for it, but not too hard. Just that little push and pull.

He'd probably try a lot of new things if he knows you like or are interested in them.

[lakia-chan]

Science & Faith

A parallel case study of how Alhaitham is like in love.

pairing: alhaitham x gn!reader

contains: fluff, stream of consciousness

word count: 722 words

a/n: i feel that most people either write alhaitham as loving rationally or irrationally and stick with it. but i love exploring both sides depending on my mood lol. (also yes the title is a rip off of The Script) ANYWAYS!! my very first fic!! i haven't properly written since i was like 12 so here's my debut i guess lol. i wanna take requests but felt that i needed to write something first y'know? my blog is kinda empty right now so just ignore and feel free to send in anything or interact!!

Your existence is a phenomenon.

Scientifically, you check all the boxes. Your unparalleled beauty that would make the divine envious, your pleasant demeanor that makes the coldest hearts thaw, and your soft gaze that engulfs your target.

Despite all his flaws and yours not, you've decided to grace him with your affections and time. The one in a million idyllic scenario that he concluded was only theoretically possible.

He's knowingly a rude, uncaring hermit that grimaces at the grievances and noise of the people that surround him. Yet, you have never once been the subject of his ire. Somehow, you're never too loud, never too proud and always so understanding of his disposition. It's as if you’ve cracked the code that is him, a skillful balancing act of not too much and not too little. Everything there is that makes up you compliments him, from the melodious inflections of your voice, your easy gait and the click of your heels, to the things that pique your interest that you speak so passionately about. You neither annoy nor bore him, something he’s unused to.

You're the missing piece in the complicated puzzle of his life, something he didn't even know he yearned for until your arrival. You fall into place easily, with all his awkward corners and sharp protrusions.

It just feels so right. You just feel so right.

You've jump started his heart into life, something he didn't think would happen in this lifetime, and it truly feels as if he was created solely to meet and love you.

The people of Sumeru City mourn the fact that you've decided on him out of all your potential suitors. And his own personal friends wonder about the intricacies of the seemingly odd pairing.

He feels quite the opposite. You decode all the errors of his mind, turn the negatives into positives. It's as if you're the missing variable in the formula, and the perfect solution you and him. To him, it is inconceivable that he could be with anyone other than you.

He will continue to love you so, because rationally, you just make sense.

Your existence is an anomaly.

Despite all the empirical evidence that you're just so wholly different from him and that he should find no reason to, he loves you.

Your charming image, the twinkle in your eyes, and the teasing lilt in your sinful cadence mess up the neat lines in his head, break the code in the already failing system that is his heart before you. Until the only thing that makes sense is you, loving you.

There's nothing to decode, to analyse, when it just feels so right in the depths of his chest to be with you. It's unfathomable that something that feels this right could be wrong.

Unknowingly, he has accepted you and your anomalies into the ecosystem of his mind. Thoughts of you become entangled in the web of information and pure logic he operates on. You become part of the algorithm. You're a part of him, mind, body and soul.

Now, your smile that sends his heartbeat into overdrive is part of the procedure, the tips of his reddening ears an expected outcome when conversing with you.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

It's decidedly bad for him, with the way he humiliates himself in your presence and throws caution to the wind when you're concerned. Terrible for his reputation too, might he add, with how he indulges in nonsensical mannerisms to please your whims and ignoring his ethos of order and rationality.

The people of Sumeru City constantly speculate how a mismatched pair came to be, scrutinising his actions and concocting wild assumptions. Even his own personal friends are in doubt, how far does the cliché of opposites attract truly go?

Truthfully, he feels the same. You've made the man who functioned on logic and numericals crumble at your feet, ensnaring him in the trap that is you. He's a man gone insane, having consumed the forbidden knowledge of loving you.

You're a curiosity to him, the way you've made him experience and embrace the irrationality of human nature. Under your guidance, he now believes in something as superficial as fate and coincidence, rather than calculated chances and statistics.

He will continue to love you so, because irrationally, you just make sense.

strictly do not repost or plagarise my works on any social media platforms. likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated!!

[thekaratcake-blog]

It has a purpose because physical disability is rarely mentioned on this site and also a single positivity post online hurts absolutely no one. There are a million positivity posts for neurodivergent people on this site, I would argue that those are EXACTLY as exclusionist as one for physically disabled people because it excludes the same amount of disabled people. You could easily make one of those instead of throwing a days long hissy fit about that one, and then claiming to care about "facts" and "real issues". You just behave like a childish Reddit "debater" believing that you're a 5000 IQ intellectually superior genius because you screeched at people for something trivial for days at a time.

You called people a certain slur beginning with r several times, as well as brain damaged, brain dead, etc. as insults. So maybe don't pretend you care about other disabled people when you pull shit like that. All you care about is thinking you're morally and intellectually superior.

Yeah, right. If you behave anything like this offline then of course you think that. People around you tolerate your shit and pretend to agree because they know if they call you out on your borderline unbearable behaviour, you'll just scream and rant about that too, because everyone who disagrees with you is wrong and an idiot and you know everything.

I didn't call anyone a slur, you're just completely off your rocker, I feel like you're reading someone else's posts and passing them off as mine

Also weird how you had to do a whole tirade to dodge the question, the answer is simple though, isn't it? The use of the word physical was to... exclude people who aren't physically disabled from relating to the post!

Also I'm sorry in what fantasy land do you live in where physical disabilities aren't talked about on this site lol, I literally had to add it to my exclusion list because there are so many posts it was stressing me out how much I was being reminded of my own disabilities, there are so unbelievably many that I could scroll or a couple seconds without hitting one

Also hey you wanna know a secret? Not everyone who disagrees with me is an idiot, and I for sure know everything, but when people like you come to harass and bother me, over actually nothing, over something that you can't even say out loud without it making it extremely obvious that the post was infact intentionally excluding anyone with non physical disabilities, yeah no you're idiots, you can't even read my own posts and I don't know if you're deluding yourself to feel better about harassing someone on the internet who called out someone from a group they are in in defense of other people, or if you're just straight up lying to make yourself feel better

At no point did I use any slurs and you either know that or need to get off the internet until you can read properly, ffs

See this is why I call people like you idiots, you can't go a single post, you come to my blog to harass me and you can't go a single post without saying something blatantly incorrect, without accusing me of saying, doing, or believing something just completely wrongly, and who can't be bothered to read for more than a minute before throwing out weird shit and throwing your own lil temper tantrum, accusing me of everything under the sun, using only insults and literally no logic or reason to back up anything you say

You should actually be ashamed, I am currently talking to a right wing transphobe who doesn't believe in general relativity and they are both more respectful and reasonable than you and your lil cult of fake acceptance have been, you should actually, genuinely be ashamed that you are worse to talk to than a right wing transphobe

[noyasaur]

OKAY OKAY OKAY I've been asking myself all day what am I missing with shifting, like, it's so easy, I believe in it and I affirm and I am persistent so what is it that it's not clicking?!?!?

I think I just found out. During these days I've seen a lot of "signs" (it's not the approval word but whatevs) that I am too much logical.

And I think that also might be the problem with shifting, the thing is, HOW AM I BEING TOO LOGICAL I MEAN I-

😓😓😓😓😓😓😧😧😧😧😧😧😧😫😫😫😫😫😫😫

Im trying to figure it out, I've been seeing so many angel number, specially today, and a lot of 555 (that means change) and 444 and 333 and 222 AND WHATEVER HELP SOMEONNHEMKAKAKIHGCG-

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

HIHI!! OKAYY AAA i'll try and add my two cents in and give you some personal advice! (along with a message based on my intuition and my interpretation of the angel numbers you told me!!)

🪐 BEING TOO LOGICAL (REALITY SHIFTING)

first of all, yes. being too logical can be something that can be holding you back from shifting or that one missing piece of the puzzle (if you believe in shifting blockages/limiting beliefs). it's normal for us to get logical sometimes, especially when it comes to shifting. it's a completely normal thing to experience since the way we live our lives is based in 'logic' and shifting goes against what we've been taught our entire lives!

to try and avoid being too logical, you could always try and just have fun with shifting! try and remember to relax and have fun. focus your mind away from the logics behind reality shifting and how it works, to your destination and everything you will be doing there.

get excited! think of all the possibilities and things you will be experiencing in your desired reality! make your shifting journey/process/method fun and enjoyable for you. that way, you'll find you're actually enjoying the process and your journey so your mind will turn away from focusing on the logics of it all.

you could also try and let yourself detach from all the 'methods' and 'proper' steps of doing things. let yourself loose, relax, and trust that you will shift. yes, affirming and persisting is good! but remember to also try and relax and not to stress so much. if you truly know you've shifted or you now you're a master shifter, would you be constantly affirming? would you be constantly worrying whether or not you will shift or not?

additionally, you could also play into your logic. if you feel sceptical about shifting or how exactly it works, research. find the answers your looking for. make shifting make sense to you, and find out how it works for you! if you find that you can't turn your mind away from being too logical, then find answers. use your logics to your advantage.

for example, (might not be your case but using this specific situation as an example) whenever you are doing your shifting method and you might be affirming to yourself, "i am in my desired reality," but your brain gets too logical and starts thinking, "no i'm not. i'm still in this reality," you can use the knowledge YOU obtained and fight back against your brain.

also, just a friendly reminder, maybe try to come to peace and terms with the fact that reality shifting isn't something that is always based in 'logic' (which is subjective) and 'science.' i always like to believe that reality shifting is both something that is scientific, but also spiritual and metaphysical all in one. it can be both. so yes, you can accept your logical side of things, but don't lean toward one side more than the other.

i'm not sure if this was the sort of advice you're looking for but i hope this helped!

🪐 ANGEL NUMBERS/INTUITIVE MESSAGE!

regarding the angel numbers you've said you've been repeatedly seeing, in my opinion, i think it does indicate you are on the right track and positive things are to be expected! like you said, 555 does indicate change and that positive changes will come which bring you closer to your goal. this is a sign to try and release what no longer serves you. any fear, doubts, worries, negative thoughts. in conjunction with 222, it's a sign to let go of these things and realise that they serve you any power and that they will only keep you stuck in a spiral of negativity and stagnancy. keep a balance in your life (could be referring to your 'logical' and 'illogical' sides of mind, or your shifting journey and personal cr life, for example. whatever resonates with you). be patient, persistent and let go of the old and embrace any new opportunities, thoughts, or ideals.

you've already found one piece of the missing puzzle and you are 100% on the right track! (333) so keep continuing onward in your journey will focus and again, follow your intuition and your decisions. (333) you have all the capabilities and abilities to shift so remember this!

YOU GOT THISSSS 😩i believe in you and you're on the right track so KEEP GOINGGGG!! good luck and you got this! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

- saturn ♡

[memori662]

My dear Liraz you're not escaping this one...

Liraz is a ruthless man.

𝓡𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼

adjective

❝ Having or showing no pity or compassion for others. ❞

Really.

His choices are all based on pure logic.

“Would you kill a loved one to save 100 of people?”

He'd think: what if those 100 of people are all assasins? They'd cause more deaths. But short answer: yes.

He can't say much about the assasins because he himself isn't a saint either.

His position as the boss of the [REDACTED] (HAHA sorry I don't have a good name still... But it's a not so legal organization) requires him to be cold-bloodied. Emotions? They're just things to weaken a man (like humans, in general). They serve no purpose if you want to be a good boss, sacrificing everything to make your fellow organization see the light. He has excellent leadership skills. Everyone in the [REDACTED] rather than kneel to him with fear, they kneel to him with respect. I mean, maybe the newbies and subordinates that aren't wings do fear him a little... But that's because he's the boss! Of course if they appreciate their lives a lil' bit, they'll think twice before creating a conspiracy cult against Liraz.

Before becoming the [REDACTED]'s Boss, people would gladly tell you about how much of a charismatic and easy to talk man he is! Though, even back there, he was a sweet little Devil with his manipulation tactics. He was a natural at it, accompanied by his intelligence? Oh yes. But don't think he was manipulating people just because. He didn't actually add manipulate people into his daily routine. He started to when he started working for the —previous— [REDACTED]'s Boss. How did he even get involved in shady bussiness...? ... Well, he was a shady doctor (?)

And at that time, his bestie (winkwink) broke up with him (winkwink) 'cause he was becoming too evil for his taste. Basically they're a divorced couple now. Though they never became a couple, they're an old divorced couple, trust.

Anyway, back to the topic...

He didn't let his emotions go in his way even when he had to deal with children. This man almost has a baby fever! Yet he still resisted the urge to spare them... Memori, Kai and Kian are his favourite kids, no doubt. There may be a slight favoritism with Memori thanks to her participating in his very legal medical activities, but meh.

The list would go like:

1. Memori

2. Kai (... He sent him to his death).

3. Kian

He never lost the composture. His mask was one he has been wearing since his birth. Never letting anyone see past it. The perfect poker face.

Maybe that's why his men are still a little wary of him, because they know if they're no longer useful to him, he won't doubt to trash them.

If he wants to kill you, he won't do it right away. He'll wait until there's something he may win with your death. That's what happened with Kai.

Now, why would he sacrifice his strongest man? Okay maybe that was for plot reasons-

Well, because if he ever died suddenly, they'd assume he had chosen Memori as the new boss since she's his right-hand woman. The problem? At that time, she was or too cold and detached or overly emotional. And she has no leadership skills for such a big place. He could've easily discharged her from her job at the [REDACTED], yes. But then people would assume they're free to attack her, and she'd no longer have to obey Liraz's orders compulsorily. He may wake up in a coffin if that happens. And second, Kai's death would bring them more benefits than losses (two of his most skilled wings leaving). Oh, but he still had Kian. The one who would be a wing if not because there are only 4 wings and all 4 of them were occupied. Now there would be only 2 wings out of 4. So Kian could be another wing. That means, he still had some gems in his organization. And he trusts blindly that Memori wouldn't reveal anything sensible to anyone about the [REDACTED]. Because even if now their bond is broken, he's confident that Memori isn't the type of person to spill good-hidden secrets. Plus, now they're officially (who-knows-how) a legal organization, so why even bother to try to ruin it?

That was his reasoning. And it did go just as planned. His prediction skills are great, too.

And he does have an ability? What is it? Hmm... That is a top-secret data even for the [REDACTED] members... But maybe it isn't that hard to guess?

[dmcoffee]

Journal is packed away but I need brain clarity.

I think I am sitting pretty between panic and disassociation, so here's me whinging about the chaos to get it of my brain because I cannot find my journal atm.

So! RV's got hiccups. Some of this I expected. My range of solutions and subsequent picking of more mechanically minded individuals brains has netted me bumpkis atm. (Pretty sure there's an electrical issue. Alternator is my guess.) My tools are limited. My funds are limited at this precise moment. (And I have to make sure I'm careful about keeping gas money available so I can work.)

And I haven't been able to really get in there and so any work sealing up holes, because current elevation and lack of a ladder prevents me from monkeying all over it. Still missing two massive windows, rendering it unsafe to use for sleeping atm. And I cannot move it to work on it. I did run some primer on the inside and treated some of the wood pieces (I think I can get by on 1-2 small spackle cans here, the damage there is minor.)

Packing is slow and overwhelming. I think its emotional, but I'll bear it in mind next time I have to go see the doctor. Considering how much my other siblings are getting fascinating diagnosis's recently, there's a chance I too may be not as balanced as I could be with medication or some other accommodation.

Right now however, it's like pulling teeth. And I'm physically exhausted. Pretty sure I've managed to remember all the meals I need to eat. Have more going now because I felt hungry, so I'm trusting that. Also good way to get rid of perishables.

Technically I should be out tomorrow. IDK how the hell that's gonna look. There is still so. much. stuff. And only the van to put what I'm keeping into it.

This place needs to be cleaned too. I'm not sure I can let myself be petty enough to leave it as this guy's problem, even if he is a shit landlord.

I also think I might be getting sick. I'm hoping that this fatigue and that feeling in the back of my throat are all just from stress and allergies. I can't afford to get sick. (I'm an American, duh.)

The really crappy part is I might have to ask to stay at someone's for a while. With my cat...

I do not want to do that. Logically I know that even with it being a temporary thing, it's a big ask. And my friends have said that's a better alternative to me sleeping out of my car...I just feel incredibly frustrated and ashamed to have to reach out.

I've reviewed everything I know about what's happened, and aside from some minor tweaks, I don't think I could've avoided this outcome though...

The mental health had to be addressed. The meds were from my doctor. The side effects weren't caused by anything I did. And I physically could not keep up. My job hunt was long and difficult. I interviewed for the same position at the same store 3 times! And they're still "hiring.". (How???? The place was always packed with eager applicants too.) I wasn't being picky, I just picked whatever I could do that would cover my rent. Not enough.

I had 6 months put back for emergencies like this. It wasn't enough.

I partially paid the landlord and kept him in the loop. (Something he didn't do for me, I might add.)

And then when I looked into what to do once he gave me my two weeks, I lucked into the RV deal. Because rent's too high or with unknown roommates. (Bonus points for them being college guys. I'm don't want to room with guys I don't know. Did ask 1 person I knew, but we couldn't make that happen.)

All in all? It all makes sense. It all sucks. And at most I could've...applied more than just 10 apps per day? That's it, I think...

Yet I still feel guilty, like I didn't do enough, because that's how I was taught you're supposed to think of people. If you can't see them burning themselves out first, then they clearly aren't trying, and are probably just mooches and manipulators. (Ironically, I can't hold this opinion of others, but I sure as hell apply it to myself.)

Even though a few steps here and there might've forestalled worse consequences. (I guess I could've asked for help to pay rent until I found a job, but...I hate that. Intensely.)

So I'm starting to fizzle a bit and I'm going to have to ask, and I hate that. So I'm mad with my situation. Frustrated that I'm not an island and the cool self-sufficient adult I've heard about in grown-ups myths. Mostly I just feel like a very sad houseplant. IDK....

[starstofillmydream]

I'm so behind on my comments and reblogs I'm so sorry 😅

The tension interspersed in this chapter is unmatched.

I felt so stiff and on edge in Kazi and Magistrate Aro's conversation, Kazi and Neyti's encounter when Kazi picked her up from school, and Kazi, Neyti, and the commanders' interaction back at the house. It momentarily dissipated when Kazi's past was detailed, but it cut right back to the tension immediately. Brilliant!

Having attended the University of Cybersecurity and Analytics on Ceaia, Kazi graduated in the top three percent of her class. Professor recommendations and near-perfect test scores earned her a position at Ceaia’s top-clearance security bureau. There, she worked as a military analyst: data collection, research, analysis, dissemination. She worked with some of the Outer Rim’s best analysts and agents. 

An educated queen 😌 I also love how quickly Kazi can counter Wolffe in an argument, especially in volatile topics like Imperial politics and philosophical debates. I could never—I'd be way too intimidated haha.

This line in particular struck me:

One of the most surprising, and frustrating, difficulties about being a caregiver was her inability to intervene and fix each problem through logic. Logic relied on rationalization and problem solving, and it allowed an individual to retain control over a situation. There was a reason Kazi studied analytics in school and was good at it. Logic was her strong suit.

I've told you this on multiple occasions, but I LOVE Kazi as a character. You're challenging stereotypes of FMCs with her by giving her traits that are typically heralded as "masculine" (even though, in reality, they are not exclusive to just men): stoicism, focusing on logic, physical and mental strength, assertive. It's incredibly refreshing—and I've come to notice that her and Wolffe are two sides of the same coin. They are both unrelenting and guarded and I always look forward to them interacting because of their quick instances of verbal sparring that cut deeply. The argument at the end of this chapter is a perfect example of that!

“Why doesn’t your kid talk?”

DAMN. Wolffe's lack of filter literally makes me anxious. Like a bomb was dropped in the middle of a conversation that no one can take back or forget, even if they tried.

“How was school?” Commander Cody asked. The openness on his face, and the kindness in his tone, made Kazi grimace. 

Sweet Cody 😭 I don't know what is going to happen to him over the course of this story but I hope he gets all the good things.

Scratching the top of her head, Neyti considered her for a long moment. Her eyes darted to the sketch. She lifted it, tongue poking out the corner of her mouth, most likely imagining the sketch placed on the fridge. Neyti smiled.  A small, toothless smile. But a smile, nonetheless.

This warmed my heart too 😭 Something as seemingly trivial as putting her artwork on the fridge made her brighten with a toothless smile just makes me happy. Just the imagery of a little girl with a toothless smile is so CUTE.

I'm continuously impressed by your worldbuilding and how intricate the lore is behind Ceaia and Eluca and their politics. It's so intriguing and adds a beautiful layer to the story.

My thoughts were all over the place lol but this story just makes my thoughts incoherent because there's just so much cool stuff to talk about and unpack and analyze 😌 incredible job as usual, Alli!

I Yearn, and so I Fear - Chapter III

Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

General Summary. Nearly a year since the Galactic Empire’s rise to power, Kazi Ennari is trying to survive. But her routine is interrupted—and life upended—when she’s forced to cohabitate with former Imperial soldiers. Clone soldiers. 

Pairing. Commander Wolffe x female!OC

General Warnings. Canon-typical violence and assault, familial struggles, terminal disease, bigotry, explicit sexual content, death. This story deals with heavy content. If you’re easily triggered, please do not read. For a more comprehensive list of tags, click here.

Fic Rating. E (explicit)/18+/Minors DNI.

Chapter Word Count. 5.7K

Beta. @starstofillmydream

23 Nelona

One-hundred kilometers from Hollow’s Town, the Security Institute of Eluca was located in the heart of the capital. Kazi landed the job through Fehr’s connections. She was more than qualified for the job; however, a government application required listed experience. Experience she couldn’t admit to. 

Having attended the University of Cybersecurity and Analytics on Ceaia, Kazi graduated in the top three percent of her class. Professor recommendations and near-perfect test scores earned her a position at Ceaia’s top-clearance security bureau. There, she worked as a military analyst: data collection, research, analysis, dissemination. She worked with some of the Outer Rim’s best analysts and agents. 

Four years at the Bureau prepared her for the most classified military projects. 

Until the Purge.

Revealing any connection to Ceaia’s government—admitting to her work experience—was a direct path to an ISB interrogation. And subsequent imprisonment. Possibly execution.

So Kazi relied on Fehr’s connections. She completed ten interviews, passed the analysis and mental tests, headed a small project, and soon found herself working for the Security Institute as a data analyst for Imperial exports. Specifically, she was tasked with tracking exports within Veridian Sector’s military bases to ascertain stolen goods. 

It wasn’t until two weeks before the clones’ arrival that Kazi learned why Fehr had paid special attention to her. 

The rebel network wanted people inside as many Outer Rim governments as possible. Kazi was Fehr’s—and by extension, the network’s—best chance at an Elucan spy with access to Veridian Sector confidential data. 

Fehr convinced her the job was fairly safe. Expectations were simple: report any suspicious government activities, important security decisions, persons of interest, and, when able, retrieve necessary intel and/or scrub incriminating data. 

The latter part of the job was the most difficult. The first time Kazi scrubbed intel she spent ten minutes retching in the ‘fresher. Endangering herself meant endangering Daria and Neyti. 

Now, she regretted it. Regretted the decision to seek aid from the network in order to evade Imperial capture, and regretted the decision to scrub data from Imperial records.

Shifting in an uncomfortable wooden chair, Kazi assessed the bare office. Plain white walls. Windows to her left overlooking Canopis. Dark gray buildings built from stone. Kilometers of jungle expanding to the horizon.  

The lack of intrigue inside the superior’s office shifted her attention back to her worries. She replayed the three instances in the past month she had scrubbed or stolen intel. 

Bypassed security clearances, offline cams, reconfigured data to appear untampered. She was careful, methodical, in her approach. 

Someone must have discovered her, though. It was the only explanation for this surprise meeting.

The door behind her swished open and Kazi stiffened. Rising to her feet, she mustered an easy smile and then froze. A human man—someone who was not her superior—strode inside. 

“Ms. Kazi Lucien?” the man asked. 

Over the months, she had grown accustomed to the fake last name—the name she gave the network to protect her identity. She extended a hand. “Yes, sir.”

The man smiled—a disarming smile bracketed by bright white teeth that belied the deadness in his eyes—as he accepted her hand. “Magistrate Aro.”

Dumbstruck, Kazi could only shake his hand. His palm and fingers were cold, his skin dry and smooth. Symbolic of a life behind a desk rather than the typical farm or mining work expected of most Elucans. Then again, this was Magistrate Aro, a native to Eluca Moon One.

The magistrate settled himself behind the polished wooden desk, waving for Kazi to sit. Adorned in a purple robe with black-and-white hair mussed stylishly, the magistrate was charismatic and good-looking. And yet he was commonly disliked by Eluca’s locals. 

Three years ago, Eluca fell victim to a global plague. More than half of the small population died, leaving the planet vulnerable and weak. Eluca Moon One took advantage of the planet’s momentary weakness to initiate one of their own as interim magistrate. Due to government subsidies and a general inability to resist, the remaining Elucans begrudgingly accepted the term. 

They hadn’t known “interim” would lead to permanency. 

Skin gold and eyes pale gray, Magistrate Aro carried himself with a confident aura that bordered self-absorbed. Like a macaw—chest puffed in a show of domination and pride. 

Kazi gleaned from the locals in Hollow’s Town that the magistrate’s greatest fault was his immigration status. He lacked Elucan culture and tradition. He lacked their devout loyalty. He was too brash in his political endeavors, and too impulsive in his decision-making. His refusal to sanction local holidays as paid time off convinced most of their dislike. 

With a probing look, Magistrate Aro gestured to the bar behind his desk. “Would you care for a drink?”

Kazi fixed a polite smile on her face. “I’m fine, thank you.”

The magistrate poured himself a glass—recently imported wine from Alderaan, if the tag were to be believed—and then sat back in the ornate seat, crossing an ankle over his knee. He swirled his wine while regarding her. 

Did the magistrate suspect her of stealing intel? If he did, why would he meet her without security? 

“I reviewed your file,” the magistrate said. He arched a brow in friendly curiosity, and yet Kazi noted the subtle shrewdness in his gaze. The slight tilt of his head as he assessed her. It set her on edge. “You immigrated here back in Kelona?”

Political coyness was not her forte, but years training to be a socialite had taught her the art of masking. So Kazi forced herself to relax in her chair. “I did. Eluca is a lovely planet. I’m glad to be here.”

The magistrate nodded, taking a sip from his wine. “And how would you describe your time here? Has it met your expectations?”

It was obvious the magistrate wanted her to elaborate on the locals and her interactions with them, perhaps as a result of his paranoia. Her mind betrayed her focus, though. Her thoughts shifted to the past month and her cohabitation with the clone commanders.

Kazi thought that first day would be the last time Commander Wolffe interrupted her morning routine. She was wrong. 

Sometime after her morning swim, when she was showering, Commander Wolffe appeared in the kitchen. He sat in the same stool in nearly the same outfit—white work shirt exchanged for gray or black—and was always drinking a cup of caf. A dark roast. 

They never exchanged a greeting. Kazi pretended he didn’t exist while she prepared breakfast for herself and Neyti, and Commander Wolffe ignored her, opting to read his datapad as he sipped his caf. And while he was distracted, she quickly yet politely ate her porridge.

However, as she washed dishes or prepared Neyti’s lunch beside the sink, curiosity encouraged her to peek at the commander’s datapad. Each morning contained something new. Files on military strategy and battle tactics. News updates across the galaxy. Manuals on ship parts. Schematics detailing a prison. They were files she expected a soldier to read. 

One morning, about four weeks ago, she snuck a glance at his ‘pad and did a double take. He was reading an article on adolescent mental development. The subject was so surprising she didn’t look away in time. Commander Wolffe lifted his face, found her blatantly staring at his ‘pad, and scowled. 

That morning, he finished his caf at the wooden table in the backyard.   

True to her routine, Kazi relied on the HoloNet news reports to fill the silence between her and Commander Wolffe. More often, pieces of news caught her or the commander’s attention. Whenever he found her staring intently at the flatscreen, he commented on the subject. His comments weren’t something she could ignore: blunt, cynical. He seemed to comment simply to make her respond.

And she did. Because she had to explain why his opinions were objectively inaccurate. 

Their arguments vacillated between the niche and the extremes: 

Would a new emperor prove a more benevolent ruler? 

What qualifies as a just war?

Is the Empire’s current existence sustainable? 

Does military might guarantee ultimate success? 

How does morality play into lawmaking? 

They spent one morning debating the merits of Empire-controlled pharmaceuticals and healthcare. The commander argued it would prove ineffective, and increase dependency on the government. He further argued the government couldn’t be trusted to provide effective healthcare to every species. Ultimately, the Inner Rim would retain priority. 

It was one of the few times Kazi agreed. So she remained silent, her pride unbent. 

Another morning they argued the legality of tracking. Kazi argued it an invasion of privacy. Commander Wolffe argued the placement of tracking beacons in a public space negated the law of privacy, and he further argued security a more pressing concern than protection of privacy. 

Rolling her eyes, Kazi said it was an ethical dilemma, and to her surprise, the commander agreed. But it was a pointless argument. The Empire neither respected civilian privacy nor abided by ethical deliberation. 

From their debates, Kazi mentally constructed a character profile of Commander Wolffe. 

He…confused her.

The commander clearly didn’t like her and yet he joined her every morning. 

He didn’t trust the network and yet he ran operations out of her house. 

He thought rebellion was pointless and yet he rescued deserting clones from the Imperial military. 

He scorned absolute authority and yet he defended the Republic’s position on the Clone War.

She wasn’t the only one forming a profile. It was clear from pointed questions and probing comments that Commander Wolffe was studying her. Testing her. 

She only hoped she was as unsolvable as he was. 

The other clones were less enigma and more intrigue. 

Commanders Cody and Fox were civil whenever Kazi interacted with them. The former was the friendliest—in a subdued manner—and he didn’t shy from engaging Kazi or her sister in small conversation. 

The latter was reserved, though his quiet was more contemplative rather than mistrustful. Kazi came across him twice in the sunroom, whittling a piece of wood into an intricate carving. He merely nodded at her but she could tell her presence unsettled him. 

Most weeks the clones were gone for days at a time. They returned from their missions with only a handful of deserted soldiers. Those soldiers recuperated for a day or two and then left. 

Interactions were rare. When the commanders were recovering from their missions, they kept to themselves. Most nights they played card games and drank at the outside table. 

Kazi knew little of their daily habits considering her work schedule, but Daria had mentioned the clones spent little time at the house, returning from day-long hikes sweaty or from the Marketplace with groceries. 

Their daily activities were odd. Normal. She thought, since they were soldiers, they would spend their recovery hours doing soldiery things. 

Their habits bamboozled her, and a piece of her wondered if her perception of the clones was inaccurate. Possibly skewed. The thought troubled her, and so she paid more attention to the commanders. Analyzed them like she would her intel. 

Her assessment revealed one common denominator: the clones were weary. They hid it well. Reddened eyes, lined foreheads, burdened shoulders. Small ticks most people would overlook. 

But Kazi saw the strain—she recognized the hollow look in Commander Wolffe’s eyes each morning. She knew it well. It was the same look she saw every time she stood in front of a mirror. 

Cohabitation was easier for her sister. Ever the kind and gentle host, Daria developed an easy rapport with the new soldiers. Neyti, on the other hand, remained shy and suspicious. 

One morning, Commander Wolffe retrieved a cup from an upper cabinet, offering it to Neyti. She glared at him. And then, with a determined scowl, she climbed onto the counter and grabbed a new cup. A cup with a different color and pattern.

Child-like wariness aside, Neyti was curious. She might have glowered when the clones attempted to engage her, but she spent most interactions studying them. Gray eyes narrowed shrewdly. Nose scrunched in deep thought. Kazi wanted to pick her mind on her observations but Neyti’s refusal to speak made it impossible. 

“My time here has been easy,” Kazi answered the magistrate.

The magistrate took another sip from his wine. “When you think of Eluca’s future, what do you imagine?”

Kazi frowned. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“Come now, Kazi.” She didn’t like the sound of her name on his lips, and she didn’t like his knowing smile. “Humor me.”

“I imagine a future…of peace and justice, security for the people,” she said slowly. “A future based on advancement—”

Magistrate Aro snapped his fingers. “A future based on advancement. Spectacular.” His smile widened, like a cave grinning open, eager to swallow sailors astray. “We want the same thing, you and me. We want Eluca to rival the other planets in our galaxy—we want Eluca to stand above all else. We are the future of the galaxy’s success and prominence.”

Voice rising in feverous passion, Magistrate Aro leaned across the desk. “Can you see it? The future where Eluca is no longer considered a measly backwater planet? The future where Eluca is the most advanced and well-bred planet in the Outer Rim? The future where Moff Harpy and her sycophants bow their heads to me, in reverence and respect?”

Kazi bit the inside of her cheek to hide her shock. She had heard the rumors of the magistrate’s paranoia—heard the rumors of his delusions and greed—but she hadn’t realized the severity of it. His current political position proved his cunning nature, and with too much power, he could pose a threat to the rebel network, to Eluca, at large, and even to her and her family.

The magistrate paused his speech. “Well?”

Kazi blinked. “I’m not sure—”

“Can you see it?” The question was sharp, underscored by a hint of distrust bordering suspicion.

“Yes,” she answered. The lie was smooth, buttered with a cold smile. “I can picture it easily.”

The magistrate held her gaze, body tautened from leaning so far forward, and then he exhaled, settling back into his chair. Good-natured suave replaced fervent greed.

“The future we imagine is being threatened.” Magistrate Aro set aside his wine and steepled his fingers together. “Poor leadership, rebel scum, ineffective political backstabbing. I have a vision for Eluca but this vision can shatter too easily if it’s not properly protected.” 

Feigning sympathy, Kazi nodded in agreement.

Magistrate Aro eyed her. “The Elucans lack proprietary for their future. They are too localized and culturally aligned; their traditional sentiments prevent them from being assets to the Empire. Do you know what worries me?”

Before she could answer, the magistrate continued, “Local disgruntlement. Their grumblings foster rebellious behavior, and rebel existence on Eluca would hinder our desires for security and peace.”

Kazi internally scoffed. Rebel existence would ridicule the magistrate’s rule. Make him look incompetent and weak. His self-effacing behavior was a politician’s façade to disguise megalomania.

“I fear rebel sentiments have infiltrated our ranks.”

A spike of fear punctured her lungs and it took effort to remain still. To force her features into confusion and surprise. 

Did he suspect her? Was this the purpose of the meeting?

“Are you certain?” Kazi asked.

“Unfortunately.” Magistrate Aro shook his head, false disappointment belied by the vexed glint in his eyes. “The Elucans are an untrustworthy bunch.”

It took a moment for Kazi to realize his unspoken intent. He didn’t suspect her. Rather, her immigration status made her desirable. Someone he believed he could trust. 

Political backstabbing was rampant among Imperial ranks. Most Imperial officials maintained high-levels of secrecy to achieve greatness, and to protect their backs from their supposed allies. They were, after all, motivated by the same things: money, power, recognition. 

“Have you seen anything of suspect?” the magistrate asked.

Kazi pretended to think, her eyebrows stitched together and lips pursed. She started to shake her head. “I haven’t noticed anything.”

A flicker of disappointment crossed his face. “Rebel activity is increasing across the Outer Rim. Outright terrorism in some places. I am committed to eradicating rebellious sentiments. I can rely on you to keep your eyes open?”

One of the reasons the Empire succeeded in authoritative control and subsequent oppression of the people was its fearmongering.  

Fearmongering allowed the Imps to uncover legitimate rebels more easily. And could easily turn a population against certain ideologies. It also convinced the people to turn on one another.

Rumors were ubiquitous and truth difficult to determine. People were scared, and to protect themselves and their loved ones, they turned on neighbor. Or coworker. 

It was easier to betray a stranger than endanger your partner, or sibling, or parent, or child.   

“I’ll do my duty,” Kazi answered. She brushed her clammy palms down her trousers, prepared for the meeting’s conclusion. 

“One last thing”—the magistrate leaned back in his chair, his smile sly—“I am increasing your duties of responsibility. You will remain on your current team, tracking exports, but I want you to split your time on a separate project. A confidential project.”

Nonplussed, Kazi cocked her head to the side. “What type of new project?”

“It shouldn’t be too difficult for someone of your caliber.” The magistrate slid a datastick across the desk. “I want you to analyze the desertion of clone troopers.” 

Kazi tensed.

The magistrate gestured to the datastick. “You have the necessary records there. I want you to track the locations of desertion, the timeframes. See if there are any patterns.”

“Is this sanctioned by Moff Harpy?” Kazi asked casually, pocketing the datastick.

“It’s our secret.” The magistrate winked. “Can you handle it?”

Aware of the subtle threat in the magistrate’s question, Kazi grinned. “Patterns are my specialty, Magistrate.”  

Hollow’s Town boasted a population of five thousand. It was one of a dozen towns that survived the epidemic, and both population and workforce were booming. 

Primarily an agricultural-based town, the community was convivial. Helpful and close-knit. Outsiders, though, were ignored. Kazi didn’t mind. The Marketplace vendors were always nice to her, and she didn’t care enough to make friends. 

Her only concern was Neyti. 

Hollow’s Schooling One—a primary school for younglings aged five to ten—was one of two primary schools in Hollow’s Town. Located on the west side, and therefore the closest to the house, Hollow’s Schooling One enrolled roughly 150 students. In Neyti’s class: 30 students.

School started at the beginning of the year, in Elona. Neyti arrived a month late, and, as a current six-year-old, was placed into a class full of students who spent the year prior together. 

Kazi worried about Neyti: lack of friends, bullies, loneliness, schoolwork. The last point wasn’t too much of a concern. Neyti was studious, and her grades reflected her hard work. 

However, there were times Neyti struggled with her homework. Instances when she threw her stylus at the table and stomped to her room. Instances where she didn’t understand a problem and her lower lip started to tremble. She never asked for help. 

Kazi had two theories. One, Neyti preferred to solve problems on her own. Or, two, Neyti didn’t know how to ask for help, and/or was too afraid to do so. It left Kazi feeling incompetent. 

So she made sure each evening, after dinner, to work at the kitchen table while Neyti completed her schoolwork. To help, in case the need arose. 

But Kazi couldn’t help Neyti at school. She didn’t know if Neyti had friends, and any related questions were met with silence and an embarrassed shrug. 

One of the most surprising, and frustrating, difficulties about being a caregiver was her inability to intervene and fix each problem through logic. Logic relied on rationalization and problem solving, and it allowed an individual to retain control over a situation. There was a reason Kazi studied analytics in school and was good at it. Logic was her strong suit.

But younglings were driven by emotions. And Kazi couldn’t force other younglings to like Neyti. She would, if she could. 

Having left work early and after warning Daria she was picking up Neyti, Kazi arrived at the small school. Low-squatting and built from a mixture of dark wood and gray stone, the school sat alone on its street.

An elaborate playground bordered the school. Twirly slides, rows of swings, monkey bars (it wasn’t uncommon to find native monkeys swinging from the bars), balance beams, climbing walls, and ziplines interrupted the swath of cleared jungle. Younglings overflowed the playground. Like ants to an anthill. 

Kazi scanned the area for Neyti. A few youngling girls close to her age sat in a circle beneath a shade cover, braiding one another’s hair and giggling. Neyti wasn’t with them.

Frowning, she perused the climbing walls, then the slides, then the balance beams. Finally, her gaze landed on the swings.

Seated on a swing, alone, was Neyti. 

Kazi winced and quickly made her way toward the swings. She had suspected Neyti would have difficulty making friends—the little girl’s refusal to speak probably isolated her from other students—but a part of her had hoped for a better outcome. 

Originally, Kazi theorized Neyti didn’t speak because she didn’t understand Basic. She theorized Neyti learned the Ceaian tongue. A language only a couple hundred people spoke, and the first language she learned.

But the first time Kazi tried to speak to Neyti in the Ceaian tongue the little girl had merely blinked in bewilderment. 

It wasn’t until Neyti’s biweekly therapy sessions with a grief and trauma counselor—therapy sessions Kazi attended to make sure Neyti didn’t accidentally mention Ceaia or other incriminating information—that she learned Neyti’s silence stemmed from the trauma of losing her mother. 

According to the counselor, Neyti would speak when she felt safe enough to do so. And so far, she hadn’t. It was something that bothered Kazi late at night. 

“Neyti.” Kazi stopped a meter away and waved.

Neyti lifted her face, gray eyes wide in shock. Dark brown eyebrows knitted together and she glanced behind Kazi, looking for something.

“Daria isn’t here,” Kazi said. She hadn’t considered the possibility that Neyti didn’t want her here. “I decided to pick you up. I… I hope that’s okay.”

Neyti scrunched her nose in deep thought and then shrugged. 

Kazi’s shoulders sagged in relief. “Are you ready—”

“Ms. Lucien?” 

Tensing at the familiar voice, Kazi schooled her features into professional politeness and turned around. “Teacher Jaci. Did you need something?”

Ivory skin offset by black hair styled in soft waves, Teacher Jaci wore the same ingenuine smile she had worn the first day Kazi met her. Her smile shifted, though, into a frown of insincere confusion. “I wanted to remind you about the kids’ field trip next month.” 

Bewildered, Kazi slid her eyes to Neyti. The little girl was staring at her shoes, shoulders curled inwards, cheeks darkened. 

“You haven’t signed up for it,” Teacher Jaci continued. “Can we mark you as an expected absentee?”

Expected absentee.

The words echoed in her head. A taunt growing louder and stronger.

Kazi fisted her hands behind her back. “What date is the field trip?” 

“The fourth of Helona.” Teacher Jaci retrieved a flimsi sheet from her satchel and handed it to her. Lowering her voice so that Neyti couldn’t hear, she said, “If you are unable to make it, perhaps Neyti’s father can.”

Kazi gripped her wrist harder. “He’s not in the picture.”

“Aw.” The teacher smiled sadly at Neyti. “That does not surprise me.”

With that, Teacher Jaci strolled away. 

For a quiet minute, Kazi stared at the flimsi sheet, the words blurred and incomprehensible. When she lifted her gaze to Neyti’s face, she found the youngling scrutinizing her. The moment their eyes met, Neyti looked at the ground, toeing a patch of grass, her tiny hands clinging to a sketch Kazi hadn’t noticed before.

“So,” Kazi said softly. “A field trip, huh?”

Unmoving and unspeaking, Neyti blinked her apprehension. 

Kazi looked toward the sky—afternoon blue, wooly clouds adrift—and breathed in slowly. Neyti didn’t owe her. If she didn’t want her on the field trip, then she would respect Neyti’s wishes. 

Releasing her breath, Kazi took a tentative step toward the neighboring swing. The seat squeaked beneath her. Wrapping her hands around the chains, she stared at the swarming playground.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the field trip?”

Silence met her question and Kazi lowered her gaze to her neighbor. Neyti gulped, eyes rounded in guilt. 

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to go—” Neyti shook her head. Adamantly. Kazi frowned. “You want me to go with you?”

Mouth opening, Neyti hesitated. She searched Kazi’s face, desperate but guarded, and with the barest dip of her chin, she nodded.

Kazi bumped her knee against Neyti’s. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

Abashed, Neyti cast her eyes downward and toed the ground again. 

“Did you think I would say no?”

Another small, nearly imperceptible dip of Neyti’s chin. 

Guilt thrummed beneath her skin and Kazi tapped her foot against the ground. “I want to go. If you’ll have me.”

Neyti nodded eagerly. 

Smiling to herself, Kazi dropped her gaze to the sketch in Neyti’s hands, perusing the colors and shapes. 

A dark blue ocean washed across the page. Tiny sailboats raced among white waves, their sails painted an assortment of bright colors. A single sun glistened in the sky. A face smiled on it. Gray clouds were reminiscent of—

“Is that…” Kazi leaned toward the sketch. “Did you draw Ceaia?” 

Neyti ducked her cheek into her shoulder.  

“I didn’t know you like to draw,” she remarked.

Shrugging, Neyti traced the arcs of the white waves. 

Kazi leaned back in the swing, staring blankly at the small youngling beside her.

She should have known. A real parent would have known; a better caregiver would have known. Neyti had been in her care for three months—98 fucking days—and she didn’t know the little girl liked to draw. 

It was a failure on her part. And she despised failure. 

From a young age, Kazi worked hard to excel at everything. Difficult school courses demanded hours dedicated to studying the subject until she perfected it. Two points missed on a test earned her teasing remarks from her parents. She was expected to make top grades, and her parents were proud of her. She couldn’t disappoint them. 

When she did fail, as was inevitable, it bothered her late at night. Like a terminal disease, unwilling to die and incapable of prevention.

Kazi clenched the swing’s chains until her palms grew numb and her fingers hurt.   

“We can hang it on the fridge.” Her voice was lower, hoarser, and she mustered a smile when Neyti stared at her dubiously. “What do you think? Can we hang it up?”

Scratching the top of her head, Neyti considered her for a long moment. Her eyes darted to the sketch. She lifted it, tongue poking out the corner of her mouth, most likely imagining the sketch placed on the fridge. Neyti smiled. 

A small, toothless smile. But a smile, nonetheless.

Disgruntled voices greeted Kazi and Neyti as they stepped into the house. Shoes shucked off and backpack haphazardly tossed onto the stairs, Neyti led the way into the kitchen. 

The voices quieted. Kazi eyed the card game at the kitchen table. The three clone commanders were joined by two clones Kazi hadn’t met. They gave her skeptical looks, eyes narrowing at the sight of Neyti. Kazi let her gaze wander between the commanders—Cody to Fox to Wolffe. The latter was lounged back in his chair, gaze on her face. 

A pan of cooling vegetables revealed Daria’s recent departure. She was most likely in her garden. 

“How was school?” Commander Cody asked. The openness on his face, and the kindness in his tone, made Kazi grimace. 

For some reason, the commander tried hard to engage Neyti and gain her trust. Unfortunately for him, Neyti was too proud. She refused to bend.

Case in point, Neyti halted before the fridge, a scowl marring her features. Her nose wrinkled. The look she shot Commander Cody was both indignant and unapologetic. 

Deciding the commander was undeserving of Neyti’s disdain, Kazi intervened. “Neyti has a field trip in a few weeks.”

The little girl threw her a betrayed frown. Kazi gave her a pointed look and Neyti huffed her irritation. 

Easing the sketch from Neyti’s hands, Kazi grabbed a handful of magnets from a broken drawer, and slid the picture onto the larger of the fridge’s door.

“Where’s the field trip?” Commander Cody asked conversationally.

“The Museum of Nature and Science.” Kazi looked to Neyti, and with the youngling’s nod of approval, she snapped the magnets in place. “I heard they have a new exhibit about Eluca’s role during the Clone War.”

The hairs on the back of her neck prickled and she glanced over her shoulder. Commander Wolffe had wandered into the kitchen. He stopped at the sink to fill a glass of water. 

“I wasn’t aware Eluca played a role,” Commander Cody said. 

“They didn’t.” Kazi stepped back from the picture. It was crooked and she made to correct it, but Neyti’s satisfied nod convinced her to leave it. She returned her attention to the commander. “Eluca wasn’t militaristically or politically strategic. Which is why the Empire won’t establish a significant Imperial presence here.”

“You don’t think the Empire will move in soon?” 

The voice behind her startled enough she recoiled. Commander Wolffe gave her an unimpressed look, leaning against the opposite counter. The space between the two counters—the sink and the bar versus the fridge and oven—seemed more cramped with his imposing frame in it. 

“I don’t.” She widened her stance, crossing her arms over her chest, prepared for whatever argument the commander was sure to initiate. “Eluca provides nothing of value. The Empire can rest happy knowing Eluca is technically conquered—”

A tap on her arm drew her attention and she found Neyti holding a bag of crisps. A question wrinkled her forehead and Kazi nodded. Neyti disappeared upstairs, the crinkle of her crisps masking her silent footfalls.

“Speaking of the Empire”—Kazi lowered her voice; the game commenced and quieter arguments broke out—“I had a meeting with the magistrate. He has intel on clones deserting from military bases in the Outer Rim.”

Commander Wolffe stilled, former apathy shifting into concern and then wariness. “The magistrate told you this?”

She nodded.

“Why would he tell you that?” The commander pushed off the counter, mirroring her stance. “I thought you were a low-level analyst—”

“Who said I was low level?”

Commander Wolffe rolled his eyes. “Why would a planetary magistrate meet with you?”

Barely concealed derision laced his words together and Kazi stiffened. It didn’t matter she had asked the same question hours ago—before she learned Magistrate Aro’s intent—but the suspicion in the commander’s gaze, his clear disdain for her, incited a sharp flare of anger.

“It’s no concern to you,” she said calmly. A muscle flexed in his jaw. “I only mentioned it to give you a warning.”

“You’re helping us now, is that it?”

“If you’re caught, you could rat us out.” He scoffed and she gritted her teeth. “I’ll do whatever is necessary to protect Neyti and my sister.”

“Why should I believe you?” 

Kazi dug her fingernails into her arms. “I know you only care about yourself, Commander, but your carelessness can endanger my—”

He scoffed. “I’m not careless. Our missions are strategized to the most minute details and—”

“I don’t care about your missions. I care about my sister and Neyti.” Her voice tightened. “I’m giving you a warning and you’re dismissing it like it’s nothing—”

“Tell me why the magistrate informed you of this,” the commander demanded. “Does he suspect you?”

“No. He wants me—” Kazi cut herself off, considering the blatant mistrust in his face. If she revealed Magistrate Aro’s project, Commander Wolffe would assume the worst of her. And she wasn’t in the mood to be questioned or ridiculed.

“I don’t care if the Empire discovers me,” she said. “But I won’t endanger Neyti and Daria.”

Something—perhaps understanding—rippled across his features.

“Be more aware of your surroundings,” she concluded. “That’s all I’m asking.”

Tugging on one of her braids to dispel her jitters, Kazi made to leave. 

“Why doesn’t your kid talk?”

The question was so unexpected she froze. Commander Wolffe was staring at the sketch on the fridge, arms still crossed over his chest, his brows drawn together. 

Kazi didn’t immediately respond. The answer to his question was weighted in trauma and history she preferred the clones didn’t know, and it would provide too much insight. Not only to Neyti, but also insight to her. 

Commander Wolffe’s annoyed curiosity by her presence—his too-personal questions in the morning—led her to believe he was searching for a weakness. A weakness she never wanted him to discover.

His gaze flitted in her direction. He arched a brow. The simple gesture made her spine straighten. 

“The therapist she sees blames it on grief,” she said. A frown marred his features. “Losing a parent is hard. Much less watching them die.”

A blink was his only sign of surprise. “You’re not her mother.”

“Her mother asked me to watch over her.” She held his gaze, her stomach coiling with unbridled tension. “She didn’t make it. Because she was shot. By one of the Empire’s clone troopers.”

His reaction was immediate. Stiffening posture. Clenching jaw. Inscrutable emotions crossing his face before settling into a hard, stony mask. 

Kazi looked at the sketch. Tiny figures manned the sailboats.

In Traditionalist Ceaian culture, learning to sail was a rite of passage. Navigating a storm and returning a boat safely to harbor proved a juvenile was prepared for the trials and challenges of adulthood. Everyone in the harbor celebrated the success. 

Kazi wondered if Neyti had ever sailed. 

Far from land. Wind in her hair. Salty breeze in her face. 

She knew the little girl would love it. 

But the opportunity would never arise. Neyti would never learn to sail. And she would never see her mother again. 

Kazi turned away, murmuring to the expressionless male beside her, “Good evening, Commander.”

A/N: Next chapter release – January 25th

Star Wars Time Measurements: 

1 day = 24 hours 1 week = 5 days 1 month = 35 days 1 year = 10 months

Masterlist | Chapter 2 | Chapter 4

[mythicalcoolkid]

I think the most depressing aspect of being chronically ill is that people lose their sympathy and understanding

When they first learn about it they’re happy to be accommodating, help out during a flare, deep you company during the bad days. But after a while people loses their patience. “Aw, I’m sorry!” becomes ”again?” “That sucks man” becomes “don’t you always have that though?” People who promise to help you through flares, who promise you that they’re happy to do it and you’re not asking too much, get tired of dealing with you by the 20th bad day this month. You start feeling impatience in people because you’re sick, again, what a surprise

There’s a deep feeling of guilt that it instills in you. A feeling that no matter how good someone is, it has an expiration date before they abandon you. No matter how much reassurance you get otherwise, you always feel like too much. Too high-maintenance. You’re terrified that the people who stay are only there out of obligation. You feel like you have nothing to offer as a friend because you take so much just by being you. You feel guilty even thinking about wanting a close friend, a partner, a spouse, because you would be subjecting them to dealing with you day after day and you feel bad wishing that on another person. After all, if you don’t want to deal with you, why would anyone else?

[thebangtancloud]

34, 45 and 49 with Chan, please! I'm in the mood for something fluffy!

Strawberries ~ Bangchan

"How about a kiss?" + "You're joking...right?" + "I've wanted this for so long." from this prompt list :)

Summary: Chan offers to let you repay him for those ridiculously expensive organic strawberries...with a kiss.

"But I never asked you to buy these, Chan!"

"I bought them anyway! What do you want me to do? Throw them in the bin?"

"I don't know, give them to someone...or something?"

Bangchan gave you a pointed look, raising his hands to rest over his hips.

"Take these. That's it. End of discussion!"

"But- they're so expensive!" You pushed the large box back across the floor so that they were closer to him.

"Well, they're not coated with gold. It's just strawberries, organic strawberries. You can take them."

"No," you shook your head stubbornly. "That's like... too much. Even if I could, I wouldn't know how to repay you. God knows, one day you might end up convincing me to let you use my farts as some random sound effects for your music because 'I owe you one'."

"Your- what?!" Bangchan wheezed, laughing incredulously at your logic. "Use your farts?!"

"Bro," you deadpanned. "Just take them back. What will I even do with these?"

"Eat them, obviously," he stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Make some smoothies, freeze them, add them as toppings to a cake, eat them with your cereal, get creative, (Y/n)!"

"I don't even bake," you rolled your eyes at him. "Chan, I'm pretty sure I'll get sick if I eat so many strawberries."

"I can share them with you," Bangchan suggested, slowly raising an eyebrow to gauge your reaction. Sensing that you weren't reacting - at all - to his statement, he felt compelled to add something to it.

"And why would you even want to repay me? Who even does that?"

You huffed slightly, looking away with a frown.

"I do."

"I'm not asking you to repay me, in any way, (Y/n)," he assured you, inching closer to pat your back twice.

"They're just strawberries, for God's sake."

"Doesn't matter," you insisted, shaking your head again. "I can't accept gifts this way. I need to give you something back, and I'm not in a position to do that right now."

"Oh lord," Bangchan sighed deeply. "No one's asking you to give me anything back."

"Just let me... follow my life's motto, Chan."

"Take the strawberries."

"I told you-"

"And give me something in return."

You turned to look at him with a surprised raise of your eyebrows. Bangchan held your gaze confidently, something that made you want to look away and hide your face behind that big brown box of ridiculously expensive organic strawberries or something.

Why was he looking at you like that?

"Like what?"

Bangchan sniffed, leaning back against his forearms and looking all the way to the ceiling, testing the waters tentatively.

"How about a kiss?"

It was a blessing that he wasn't looking at you, or else he could easily mistake you for one of those stupid strawberries. You didn't realize you had stopped breathing voluntarily until Bangchan finally looked across at you with a startled expression.

"(Y/n), are you okay? Your head looks like it's about to explode!"

"Huh?"

"Are you even breathing?"

"Me? Yeah, of course, I am. Why wouldn't I be breathing? You want me to die or something?"

"No?" Bangchan looked genuinely concerned, raising a hand to touch your cheek. "You're like...burning up."

"Why would I be burning up?" You brushed his hand away and lightly fanned at your face to help cool yourself down. Maybe if you could stand up without your legs giving way and proceed to yeet yourself off of the window, you wouldn't have to face the possibility of having the same conversation with Bangchan again.

"Isn't it because of what I said?"

You scoffed, or at least tried to, waving wildly and giving him a look as if to say really???

"Why would I even get a fever because of what you asked me?"

"Who even said it was a fever?" He challenged, cocking an eyebrow at you. "Maybe I just made you blush."

"Pfft- yeah no, why would I even blush?"

"Yeah, why would you, (Y/n)?"

You fell short of words. Looking away was so much easier so that was exactly what you did, delicately wiping at the sweat that was forming around your temple. Bangchan seemed amused with a lopsided grin that made you want to literally run for life.

"I'm not blushing."

"So... you're not in a position to repay me with a kiss?"

"I was talking about literal things, Chan. Like money, or some other fruit or table or charger or something!"

"You're funny," he teased you with a smirk. "But a kiss is a literal thing, too."

"You-"

"I'd say it's an excellent deal. No damage. No loss."

"Are you even-" your eyes widened when Bangchan shuffled across the floor and crawled over towards you, "you're joking...right?"

He stopped mere centimeters away from your face, arm holding himself above your slanting figure that was sliding across the floor in an attempt to move away from him.

"Do I look like I am?"

"I mean..." you trailed off, "I don't know."

"Do you want the strawberries?"

Why did he suddenly smell like strawberries? A sweet, fruity scent that made your brain short-circuit for a brief second before you nervously looked at the box that he was referring to.

"Uh..."

"I know you like them. So keep them. And pay me back right now. With a kiss."

"Chan, I-"

"Or I can give them to one of the boys. Maybe Jeongin, maybe Felix."

"What?"

"You don't bake, but Felix does. He can use the strawberries. And a hundred strawberries are just the right about for the eight of us."

"But-"

"We could look up some recipes for strawberry ice cream. Minho can help us. He likes-"

"But you said you'll share them with me!"

Bangchan grew silent, the ghost of a smile playing at the corners of his lips that were suddenly too close to your face for you to even think properly. Blinking once, then again, Bangchan chuckled fondly.

"That was if you accept the deal."

"Okay, I will."

His eyebrows shot up at your answer.

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"So... you're going to repay me with a kiss?"

"Yes."

He looked pleasantly surprised and only looked away for a split of a second before he nodded.

"Okay. Repay me, then."

Your eyes widened slightly, breath catching in your throat.

"You want me to kiss you?"

"You're supposed to be repaying me for the strawberries, ma'am," Bangchan giggled at the way your eyes were trembling.

"Or do you... not want to?"

"No, I want to," you answered, a little too quickly. "I mean- I don't want to- no, don't get me wrong, I want to, but..."

"(Y/n)," Bangchan laughed softly at the way you were panicking. Taking a final moment to trail his eyes across your face up close, he began to recoil with a little laugh.

"Chill, I'm not trying to make you- umph!"

The force with which you lunged across at him made him fall back onto the floor, hands held out in surprise before they landed on your hips to steady you. It took a moment for Bangchan to realize that it was not just your body that was on top of him, but also your lips.

For a few seconds, he wondered why his eyes remained wide open, but all too soon, he felt you pull away and that was when his right arm that was on your hip slid all the way up until he could hold onto the back of your head and guide you back to his mouth.

With a swift movement, Bangchan had you on your back with his body hovering over yours instead, protectively cushioning your head from the floor with his own hand.

He kissed you tenderly, holding onto you like you were a little teddy bear, unknowingly grazing the skin of your neck with his thumb that pulled a shudder up your spine. Your hand remained on his arm, holding him as though you could collapse under your own weight, trying your best not to break away from him in an attempt to calm your racing heart.

A few moments later, Bangchan pulled away with one last lingering kiss to the corner of your mouth, his eyes still remaining closed as he breathed out the nervousness that he had been trying his best to hide from you.

"That was-"

"I've wanted this for so long," you murmured in a single breath. His eyelids fluttered open at the sound of your voice, delicately tracing the outline of your ear.

"You did?"

"You have no idea," you shook your head, letting your eyes close again with a little sigh. "I've just been so scared to even give you a hint."

"You gave me plenty," he smiled at the way you were still holding onto him.

"Really?" You frowned in confusion, barely able to open your eyes when he lowered his head to kiss you again.

"Yeah," he whispered against your lips, letting them leave a trail of tiny kisses across your cheeks as his mouth made its way to your ear.

"That's why I bought you strawberries. You always remind me of one when you blush."

.

.

.

.

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A/n: I'm so glad the first request was for Chan!! I really wanted my first skz piece to be about him first hehehe I hope you liked it!

Request 1/30 :) Go ahead and request soon before all the spots are taken!

Permanent Taglist: @hopestastic , @joondiary , @0xnna0 , @cuteipat , @koalasandcuddles , @bangrauhl13 , @blissedjoon , @underratedbitch-number13 , @tinyoonsblog , @itachi-chi @sparkyprotectionsquad @scuzmunkie @uno7

[baekhansol]

relief & reassurance

pairing: san x reader, wooyoung x reader (both san & wooyoung are doms, reader is sub)

genres: comfort, angst-ish, smut, completely self indulgence | rating: mature ! do not interact if a minor

word count: 3812

plot: you're feeling down, and your boyfriends try to make you feel better

warnings: depression, self hatred, skin picking disorder, body weight insecurity, polyamourous relationship, nipple/ breast play, fingering, sex toy usage, oral, bdsm themes, doms/sub relationships, orgasm denial & control, squirting, spanking, choking, biting/marking/slight scratching, a bit of hair pulling, slight teasing, use of pet names (princess, good girl), bulge kink, creampie, unprotected sex (please be safe!!), doggystyle, praise kink, multiple orgasm, pain kink(?), threesome, use of the color light system (just check-ins, no safe word use), subspace, and sweet sweet aftercare - as usual, let me know if I missed anything!

a/n: this is a very very self indulgent fic. a very special thanks to @sugasbabiie for beta reading this for me and pointing out some things that I needed to change 💜💜💜

You felt disgusting, broken, and just downright depressed. You were supposed to hang out with San for the night, but he was running late. So you went ahead and ordered takeout, getting his favorite. Ever since you started dating him and Wooyoung, you would take time to have a date night with them separately and together. That way, you wouldn't always be the victim of their teasing.

You hear San unlocking the door, so you do your best to act fine as you go over to greet him.

"I'm glad you're finally here!" You say, pulling him into a hug.

"Hi baby," he says, his dimples appearing as he hugs you back. "It smells delightful," San adds, pulling back and looking at you. His eyebrow twitches, and you're afraid he is going to ask what was wrong, but instead, he takes off his shoes.

"I'm glad! I bought your favorite barbecue, and I think it might still be warm," you tell him, clapping your hands once as you go to check, San trailing behind.

"Did you already eat?" He checks, looking at you sternly as he breaks the wooden chopsticks.

"Yes, and if you want proof, it's in the trash can," you say, looking down and away.

"Alright," he says, his voice softening immediately. "Go turn something you like on, okay? I'll eat and then clean up."

You nod and kiss his cheek, going back and turning on the show you've been marathoning. San comes and sits next to you, eating and half-heartedly paying attention.

You lean against his shoulder and curl up into your blanket, trying to relax. Your insecurities were getting the better of you.

When San finishes his food, he kisses your cheek. "I'll be back in a few," he says, and you know he is going to shower.

"Make sure to brush your teeth!"

"I will," San responds with a chuckle.

When San returns from cleaning up, you hadn't realized you zoned out from the show and started crying. He turns off the TV and pulls you into his lap slowly, giving you the opportunity to pull away.

You don't, so you end up letting out a soft sob against his chest. San soothingly plays with your hair and rubs your back, letting you cry while saying soothing words in your ear.

"It's okay baby, let it out. I'm here for you, don't worry. You can tell me anything; you know that, right?"

When you’ve calmed down enough, and you blow your nose, San finally asks, "What has you so worked up, Y/N?"

You sigh, looking away and shaking your head.

"I just want to help," he assures you, "So please, tell me."

He wipes your tears away with his thumb, his own eyes full of concern.

"I've just been… feeling really insecure and hating my body," you murmur, looking away. "I hate that I have a stupid skin picking disorder. I hate how fat I am. I hate my stretch marks and my stupid eyes. I hate that I have two incredibly attractive boyfriends, and I'm just a potato," you rant, getting overly worked up to the point you start crying again.

"No, no, no, no, precious no," San says, his heart breaking as he sends a quick text to Wooyoung (get your ass over here asap).

"You're so beautiful, okay? We are all humans with flaws. Woo and I are idols, so that's why you think that. Remember my high school and middle school photos? I'd probably look worse than that now if I weren't an idol and could spend lots of money on skincare," he says with a slight giggle, handing you tissues again.

You take it and blow your nose again, groaning slightly. He just had to be logical.

"And I love all of you. I love your sexy body. I love your personality. I love the way you think and talk; how you see the world. I love your pretty eyes. They can see, you know? So you can see me," he giggles at that a little, gently kissing each of your eyelids.

"I love your pretty lips," he says, running a thumb over them. "I love your body. There's so much to cuddle, and you're soft and even better to cuddle than shiber, but don't tell them." At this, San gently starts caressing your body.

"And you know, your sweet tummy isn't going to be flat like mine. It's hard work to keep abs, and I generally don't eat before we perform to keep them there. Because when I eat, bye bye abs," he tells you, pulling his shirt up to show you how his stomach was just smooth and soft.

"And for your tummy," San begins, laying you down on the couch and pulling your shirt up to kiss it. "Your pretty tummy holds your uterus and the most precious parts of the entire female reproductive system, your ovaries and eggs. And right here," he kisses under your belly button, getting closer to over your pubic bone, a very sensitive spot for you, "right here is where all the magic happens."

You quirk an eyebrow, waiting for him to explain as you feel your cheeks heating up.

"It's where a baby will grow, if we decide to have one, and it's where your body let's you know it's reproductively healthy," he starts, kissing lower and lower each time, until you're biting your tongue to hold back a moan. San picks up the change in your state, swallowing the need to smirk.

"And your legs, your beautiful legs," he murmurs, massaging your feet and up your calves. "They carry you around all day and are so pretty." San kisses your shins, then slowly up your inner thighs, making you squirm.

His strong hands hold you in place as he continues worshiping your body. "You're beautiful thighs," he murmurs, nipping them. "They hide something beautiful between them, but even on their own…" San tries not to groan, as he can tell he is growing hard by your soft gasps. "They're soft and lovely to rest my head on, like your breasts, and I could spend all day marking them up. I love the way they jiggle like your ass does when spanked," he adds, looking you in your eye as he rubs your thigh, what he normally would do before spanking you.

When you nod, he gives them a resounding smack. This time, you don't hold back your moan.

He takes your hands in his, kissing your palms. "Your beautiful hands are perfect to hold, and your arms giving the best hugs, but don't tell Wooyoung or really anyone I said that," San giggles a little again, kissing up your arms, nipping here and there on the soft flesh.

"I know you hate how you pick at your arms, and I know how hard it is for you to control that impulse. But I want to help you, and I assure you Wooyoung feels the same way, okay?" he assures you.

You look away, more embarrassed than aroused now. "Precious, I asked you a question," he says, turning your chin to make you look at him, his dominance coming out.

"Yes sir," you say, biting your lip.

"You don't have to call me sir right now. This is about you. Now, can I make you feel good?" He whispers, his thumb ghosting over your lip as his knee ruts into your core.

"Please," you sigh, wondering if he would ask first or if he would make you beg.

Your word pleased him, as he immediately picks you up and kisses you deeply, carrying you to your bed.

“I love you so much; you know that, right?” San asks as he sets you down on the bed, helping you out of your shirt.

“I do,” you say softly, looking down as your face heats up.

San plants another sweet kiss on your lips, then slowly down your neck.

“Your soft skin is so kissable,” he says with a little giggle, nipping and sucking lightly, just enough to leave slight marks for the day. He undoes your bra, laying you back on the bed as his mouth travels down your decolletage, his hands caressing your breasts.

“You’re so precious to me, and I love all of you,” San assures you. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ll say yellow if you’re uncomfortable? Red if you want to stop?” he adds.

“I love you too,” you whisper, looking down at him lovingly. “And I always will,” you assure him.

He immediately takes one of your breasts in his mouth, his teeth lightly grazing your nipple, causing you to moan out his name.

He smiles against your skin, giving the same attention to the other breast. San begins to kiss down your stomach, humming while he does.

“I love your soft tummy,” he murmurs, looking up at you with utmost sincerity in his eyes. “It makes you extra cuddly,” he giggles.

You blush, not sure how to respond until he hooks his fingers beneath the waistband of your shorts.

“May I?” San asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes please,” you say, raising your hips to help him. He ends up taking your underwear off as well, a somewhat sheepish smirk on his face.

“Sorry,” he says, his tone rather unconvincing.

You roll your eyes as he spreads your legs, his eyes going face to face with your heat.

“Can I eat you out?” he bluntly asks, his warm fingers opening your folds.

“Please,” you say, letting him position your legs better as he immediately licks your folds, kissing your clit.

You let out a soft whine of pleasure, falling back onto your bed and allowing yourself to relax. San continues to suck on your clit, feeling your arousal start to drip onto his chin as you clench around nothing. Before you could beg for more, San’s tongue enters you, lapping up your arousal and easily hitting the spots that make your orgasm begin to quickly grow. San’s nose rubs against your clit, and he smirks as you grind against his face.

“San~ Sannie~ ah~” you moan, causing him to chuckle softly. The vibrations make your toes curl, and you gasp and grab the sheets.

San reaches up and takes one of your hands in his, gently squeezing it in reassurance as he continues his ministrations.

As you start feeling closer to your orgasm, San stops. He stands up, causing you to whine.

“Don’t worry, I’m not done yet,” he says with a gentle laugh. San opens the drawer where you kept your sex toys and lube, and he takes something out you can’t quite see.

“What color are you?” he asks.

“Still green,” you assure him, trying to smile for him.

San kisses your forehead before going back down on you, this time putting his fingers inside of you. He turns on the bullet vibrator he took on a low setting and presses it against your clit, smirking when you groan his name and buck your hips.

“God, you’re so sexy like this,” he murmurs, kissing your thigh.

You whimper in response, boosting his ego. San turns up the setting on the vibrator, relishing in the power he had over you. He was glad he could help you feel better, even if it was only temporary. Which he hoped it wouldn’t. He wanted his words to have comforted you.

“I’m close-” you begin, your toes curling and thighs shaking.

San immediately pulls his fingers out of you and turns off the vibrator.

“San, what the fuck?” you whine. You weren’t being bratty; you were just confused.

“I promise I am still doing this to make you feel good,” he assures you, setting down the vibrator. “What color are you?” San asks.

“Green,” you admit, causing him to smirk and go back down on you.

After being denied twice, the coil built into a strong pressure, causing you to furrow your brows and whine out his name, being more vocal than usual. You almost feel overstimulated, but he holds your hips in place with firm hands so you can’t escape.

“San, fuck, I’m gonna- fuck!” you nearly sob, suddenly orgasming harder than you have in the past.

He lets you ride his tongue through your orgasm before he pulls up, a confident smirk on his now rather wet face. “I made you squirt,” he says proudly.

“I-?”

“Squirted, yeah,” San smugly confirms, standing up and sauntering to the bathroom. You’re not sure what he is doing in there, but he soon comes back with a dried face and a damp washcloth.

“I want to keep going,” you sheepishly admit.

He nods and cleans off some of the mess, tossing the washcloth into the hamper. “Let's take off the blankets then, yeah?” San says, helping you stand as he strips off the blanket.

You sit back down and look up at him, pulling him in for a kiss when he comes back. “I want you inside me,” you say softly, tugging at his pants.

“Be patient, you will,” he assures you, pulling away to undress himself.

His self-control never failed to surprise you because as soon as he got rid of his clothes, his hard length stood erect.

He hovers back over you, laying you down and kissing you sweetly. San grinds against you to test how sensitive you were. When you shivered, he stopped, continuing to gently kiss you.

San pulls away after a moment in order to align himself with your entrance. “I love you so much,” he tells you, sliding his tip in.

“I love you too, San,” you assure him, gasping as he continues to enter you, stilling only when he was fully seated inside.

“See, your tummy is even bigger now,” San giggles, rubbing your tummy.

“Are you trying to get me to say you have a big cock?” you giggle.

“No, but I wouldn’t be offended if you did say that,” he responds with a giggle of his own.

“San, please move your big cock,” you tease a little, laughing softly.

“As you wish, princess,” San teases right back, beginning to move at a comfortable, intimate pace.

You move your hips in tandem to his thrusts, gasping softly as he brushes your g spot.

“I’m so lucky to have you in my life,” San says, praising you sweetly. “You’re an amazing person, and I can’t believe you love me back.”

You feel yourself blushing, unable to say anything besides soft moans and whines.

“You’re so beautiful. Like this and any other time. You’re always beautiful,” he assures you, reaching down to start rubbing your clit.

You grab onto his bicep that was holding him up, whimpering his name.

“Good girl,” San groans, reaching down to capture your lips in a kiss. “Go ahead and cum when you need to, don’t hold back,” he adds, picking up his pace ever so slightly, knowing you were growing close.

“I- oh, fuck,” you whine, your nails digging into his bicep as you orgasm.

He continues to thrust through yours, and San soon releases inside of you.

“You couldn’t wait for me to get here?” You hear Wooyoung cry indignantly.

“How long have you been there?” San asks, pulling out of you and cupping your cheek before rolling onto the bed next to you, giving you a view of a very irritated and flustered Wooyoung.

“Long enough to start getting hard,” Wooyoung complains. You glance down to his crotch, and there was a definite tent in his pants.

“Well, this wasn’t the original plan,” San begins, and you are quick to look at the floor, taking great interest in the carpet suddenly. “Y/N was feeling depressed and very insecure about her body, and it just happened to lead to this,” San explains, leaning back and crossing his arms.

“You did?” Wooyoung asks, his eyes snapping to you.

You don’t look up at him or say anything, but you nod a little.

Wooyoung doesn’t say anything, but you know he walks over in front of you. His fingers grip your chin and tilt your head up. “I asked you a question,” he says, his eyes hard.

“I… yes…” you say, sounding uncertain of yourself.

Wooyoung raises an eyebrow, waiting expectantly.

“I… don’t like myself?” you tell him, your words coming out as more of a question than a statement.

“Y/N,” Wooyoung says, trying his best not to sound disappointed. “You’re an amazing person. The best partner we could ask for. I don’t know what exactly is wrong, and I would love to talk about that later if you want. But I love you so fucking much, okay?” Wooyoung’s eyes were a little glossy, and you could tell how much he meant his words. He wanted you to feel better.

“I know… I love you both too…” You say, holding onto his arm before leaning up to give him a gentle kiss.

Wooyoung holds you close, deepening the kiss. “Is it okay if I have a turn?” he asks you, his hand resting on your hip.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” you whisper, rubbing your noses together.

“I love you so much,” Wooyoung says, mostly to himself. He then asks, “Can I be rough?”

“Yes, I’ll say if it’s too much,” you assure him, Wooyoung and San both nodding.

Wooyoung is quick to undress and is soon guiding you onto all fours. He spreads open your legs and cheeks, watching San’s cum drip out of you. “You didn’t use a condom with San?” he leans forward and whispers into your ear.

San shrugs, knowing it didn’t matter since you were all clean and you were not likely to get pregnant.

Wooyoung pulls back and smacks your ass. “I love the sight,” he groans to himself, teasing your entrance as he smacks your other cheek. “I love how your body reacts to me,” Wooyoung says, grinning as you arch your back up, trying to get him inside of you.

“You had San, and you need more?” Wooyoung teases, slowly entering you.

“Yes, I need you too,” you gasp out, getting fistfuls of the sheets as you hold them to keep yourself up.

“Good,” Wooyoung grunts, beginning to harshly thrust into you.

“You’re making such a mess with your pretty cunt,” Wooyoung laughs a bit sadistically.

“Just for you, just for you both,” you manage to get out, angling your hips so he would hit your g spot.

“You’re such a good girl for us both, and you’re so fucking perfect,” Wooyoung groans.

San scoots up closer to your face, tilting up your chin to look at you. “You okay?” he whispers. “Color?” He knows Wooyoung could get a bit carried away at times, so he wanted to check.

“Green,” you choke out, your arms giving in on a particularly strong thrust.

Wooyoung slows his thrusts and grabs your hair, pulling you up and moving his hand to your throat. “You’re beautiful, Y/N. We are so lucky to have you,” he whispers, rolling his hips into yours.

You nod a little, your orgasm building again. Wooyoung hums softly and starts thrusting faster, grunting softly in your ear before he decides to suck colorful marks onto your neck and shoulder.

“That’s our girl,” he murmurs, reaching down to rub your clit as he squeezes your neck.

You gasp, your thoughts going blank from the slight lack of oxygen to your brain.

“Go on and cum on my cock, princess,” Wooyoung urges you, biting down on your shoulder as he squeezes your neck a little more, searching for his release.

At the slight increase in pressure, your body explodes, and you cum, your fluttering walls encouraging Wooyoung’s orgasm.

He lets up on your throat and clit, thrusting a few more times to ride out your highs. Wooyoung pulls out of you and helps you lay down, cupping your cheeks.

“How are you feeling, baby?” Wooyoung asks, cupping your cheeks.

You’re zoned out, blissed expression was a dead giveaway of your state, as you felt high and floaty.

“Damn, if I had known you were going to come and fuck her like that, I wouldn’t have made her squirt,” San says with a sigh, getting up.

“You did? Without me here to watch?” Wooyoung groans.

San shrugs, heading into the bathroom and drawing a bath.

You watched the two, not quite able to make out their conversation.

When Wooyoung picks you up, you gladly lean against his chest and gently hold him. He leads you into the bathroom and sets you in the tub, which San had filled with a bubble bath. Wooyoung kisses your forehead, and San squeezes your hand, saying something.

San stands up and sighs, looking at Wooyoung. “Don’t leave her alone like this. I’ll wash the sheets,” he tells him.”

Wooyoung lets you play with the bubbles and soon gently washes your hair. “You’re doing so good,” he says, rinsing out your shampoo. “Our pretty girl,” Wooyoung adds, smiling. “Turn a little to face me, and I will wash off your makeup~” he says, putting the cleanser oil on his hands.

“Okay!” you giggle, turning and closing your eyes.

Wooyoung is gentle as he massages the oil into your skin, singing to you softly. You hum along with the tune, letting him rinse off the oil and use your regular cleanser.

“Are you ready to cuddle?” San asks, coming back into the bathroom and now fully dressed.

“Cuddles~!” you say, nodding immediately.

Wooyoung giggles and unplugs the drain, readying a towel.

“I have your favorite pajamas ready for you,” San says, smiling.

You let out an excited squeak, reaching out to Wooyoung to help you up. He gently grabs your arms, helping you find your footing before beginning to dry you off.

“Will you finish her up?” Wooyoung softly asks San, wrapping you in the towel before picking you up.

“Yeah, go clean yourself up,” San says.

Wooyoung kisses your temple and goes to the bathroom, and San helps you into your pajamas.

“You pretty princess,” he says, pulling on your pink pajamas.

“Mhm, your princess!!” you confirm, nodding.

San smiles, plugging in your hairdryer.

“You are the prettiest princess I have ever seen,” he assures you, brushing your hair before adding essence to it.

“Then you’re my… prince?” you ask, glancing up at San as he picks up the hairdryer.

“I’ll be whatever you want me to be,” San assures you, turning on the hairdryer and drying your hair.

Before San finishes drying your hair, Wooyoung returns and lays on the bed next to you, rubbing your back.

Once finished, San unplugs the hairdryer and turns off the light. Wooyoung pulls you under the covers, holding you in his arms. San joins you, kissing your cheek.

“I love you,” Wooyoung murmurs.

“We love you,” San corrects him, smiling.

[syubub]

May 13th Reading

Definitely long awaited and way bigger than I intended it to be so buckle up.

Funky disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact! This is my interpretation of the cards!

Oh boy. The continuation of yoongis soulmate saga.

(Note frome future me: it's not proofread but I'm hungry. Sorry for mistakes!)

So so so so

Let's start.

I started with all the normal jazz. Connecting with his energy and shit. Same as usual same old same old. Platform= same same. I was like, "hey, let's talk about your soulmate and the whole may 13th shit" and we connected via energy stringy thing to the forehead and such. I was intresting bc my end of the string was kinda my energy color! Neato. Looks like some rest has really done me good!

Okay, here's where I start actually asking shit. I made notes at this point before the reading as I usually do. I'm just gonna insert the screen shot here.

The 14 thing really fucked me up. You'll see later. Also, when I got the whole Pisces Jupiter thing I had to do me some googling bc we established that Jupiter went into Pisces ON May 13th so I was like?? Am I missing something?

I was. I forgot that it goes retrograde and then co.es back to Pisces on December 28th. And I do indeed think it to be significant.

The shit about temperance makes a lot of sense. In yoongis first soulmate read I flipped my shit bc he was like, "You're gonna get temperance reverse" in regards to a card for his soulmate and I was like "pft whatever. Don't play me like that"

And then I got temperance reverse. It's been a significant card from the jump.

I asked him if he had any advice for his soulmate and that's what "Don't wait for big things, you'll miss the small ones that lead you to bigger things" and "Look for facts before assuming" and "Don't try pushing it, forcing it won't make sense" and "A spade is a spade/ ace is an ace" and "Don't make ill informed guesses" all were

Now this part:

"Union has happened , yet to on the physical"

Gave me some hints thankfully because he straight up said no more hints.

This ties back into the whole Jupiter thing too. The seeds are/ have been planted and now they have to grow before they can be harvested.

Well Mr. Yoongi, I'm impatient and I don't want to wait. I want to see you in love pronto.

Anyways

He showed me a little dream box/ trinket box looking thing and a super vague Keychain with no further explanation... so... there's that I guess.

I can't quite decide if "Don't make ill informed guesses" was a tongue-in-cheek pike at me or if it was genuine advice to his soulmate? He just loves to not explain things.

Now let's begin the monster read.

So. The first row of cards

I asked the question, "what the fuck was May 13th and what was it's purpose in regards to your connection"

Important is what it was lol. I interpret this as them finding their footing and this being the starting point of the genuine foundation being layer. Like they've been manifesting eachother for a while but May 13th marked the start of them making the real life changes in their actual lives that will be the set up for them meeting.

The seven of coins is about thoughtful planning and creating security/ stable plan. The tower is essentially ripping away anything and everything that was built on unstable foundation and challenging/ testing your character (an extremely rude awakeing if you will). Judgement is releasing the past so you can rise above it and confronting yourself as you are (Also legit awakening) the queen of coins is financial security and self confidence in your abilities. Ten of coins is prosperity and abundance and most of all, stability. Eight of wands is explosion of potential and rapid movement. Temperance is awareness and balance between physical and spiritual. It's also that quiet peace where you find balance.

So. Seeing all those cards it really does seem like maybe his soulmate took on something new that could lead straight to union? Same for yoongi. I'd like to analyze and recent or new-ish habits or hobbies he's picked up?

Moving right along though. I asked what the 13th did for each of them in their personal life and personal journey. Kinda like what came as a result of that energy? Let's start with yoongles

This was really intresting to me. I think he definitely gained some form of clarity about the situation with that sun card. The 5 of cups tells me that either he was kinda forced to confront some of his flaws in a way that he was trying to avoid or he had to consciously let go of something dear to him? Could be something he had to leave behind because it crumbled with the tower moment but he didn't see it coming or didn't know that it was time to part with it? With that queen of wands though fits beautifully with the sun! Its like he's found warmth after a long winter. Definitely found a spark of compassion and generosity from a place of happiness and love rather than anger, fear, obligation or pitty.

I asked for clarity cards/ anything else that may 13th signified bringing in and we got the 2 of cups and 10 of swords. I have two thoughts. Either he let go of a relationship that he was already in because he didn't feel as though they were particularly compatible anymore (Also ties into the above section) OR the 13th had made him very much consciously aware of his soulmates incoming status and he is now preparing and working on himself for when this person comes. The 10 of swords would be him releasing the past and the pain and any ill fitting behavior that don't vibe with him any longer. Yellow really seems to be working for him by the way.

Soulmate time

Lol. All signs point to his soulmate genuinely starting a new venture. New creative pursuit that will bring them good money. 10 of pentacles is abundance, prosperity and stability. The ace of wands is a new creative spark and passion and it's the first big steps into something new. The 2 of wands is "the world is in the palm of your hands" vibes. Choices need to be made swiftly and with the ace of wands I think they will be. With the heirophant too, it will be a well informed decision because they've been manifesting this and has been searching for all the possible information.

As for clarity, we have the moon. Damn. Soulmates been doing that shadow work. Dredging up all their bullshit and getting rid of it while still taking the time to sit with it and release it so nothing is unresolved. Also probably extra creative due to all the emotional baggage being thrown out. (Definitely helping with the ace of wands vibes tbh)

Now for the bad boys in the middle

The question I asked is what those individual changes (detailed in the last two sections) will bring for the bond and I just can with them. These fuckers. I am so invested in their love story bc it's so... them? And just so fucking ROMANTIC. UGH I CAN'T.

Back to the point. High priestess, 4 of wands and the lovers. The high priestess is deep knowing and insane intuition, the 4 of wands is the purest joy and marriage and the lovers is well, the lovers.a magical union.

FUCK DUDE I NEED THIS TO BE A ROMCOM.

For the row of bottom cards

I asked if they had anything at all to add so I'm gonna explain each card individually bc I think they could be individual tid bits of shit.

Knight of coins is good news about finances/ money looking promising and organized work (also dependability!!). Death is all about transformation, the beginning of a new chapter and accepting in order to move foward. Ace of coins is spiritual and material abundance and also a reminder to keep grounded. Page of swords is confidence, important news coming and really good insight! Roots out secrets or hidden things like a truffle pig. The star is promising potential, healing and guidance from an enexpected place. The two of cups is a soul connection, love, intuition especially in regards to another person and a good bind. The emperor is self awareness, foresight, fearlessness to achieve a goal and confidence. Eight of coins rev is poor discipline and skating by on low effort.

Now to the sides!

Yoongi is the left, soulmate is the right.

So, let's begin with yoongi. The first two cards are anything he wants to say to his soulmate. Wheel of fortune and three of swords reverse. I take this as "its all in divine time/ it's destiny" (wheel of fortune) and "trust your intuition. It's okay to get hurt, you just need to remember you can always pick yourself up" (3of swords rev.)

We have now cards that I asked what he was learning through this process/ in this time. Be positive and first step.

The last two cards are affirmations he wants to give his soulmate.

"When I introduce joy to a situation, I change the vibrational frequency of what's happening around me" and "directing my focus onto what's thriving creates more of what I want"

Now for soulmates cards (same structure)

Strength and eight of swords. "You're stronger than you think. Take every part of yourself and acknowledge it. You're a force to be reckoned with" (strength) and (soulmate snapped at him on this) "the only thing holding you captive is you."

Now we have peer pressure (I think soulmate is learning to say "fuck you" and "fuck off" to people who have a set idea of how everyone should be living their lives), emotional healing and open your arms to receiving.

Then we have "its good to feel good" (lol I feel like yoongi definitely needs this one) and "when I connect to the spiritual realm, I open the door to recieve divine guidance, clear direction, and great wisdom"

The last stretch my friends.

So. Completion, leave behind the things that no longer serve you. Exist in the present and don't keep mulling over the past or any future happenings. Magic, pay attention to the magic around you. Listen for the signs of the universe and take them as they come (essentially listen to divine guidance) . Be open minded but logical as well. Luminous warrior, try focusing on the good in yourself instead of berating yourself for every small flaw. Spiritual path, self explanatory. The blade, your power can be a weapon when used willy nilly (most often wounding the wielder) or it can heal. Don't fear it but also consider how you choose to utilize it. The give away, be greaful for the sake of being greatful for it, not because you want something in return. The rain maker, manifestation station. Create with the tools you have because you have everything you need in order to manifest. "Don't take life personally"

Now we have heaven sent.

""Let yourself be helped" assistance is coming your way so act on it and say yes"

" This Oracle also comes with the message that you are to trust in the things that you feel and say to others without knowing why. It moves them. You might not understand, but through trust you are allowing yourself not to overthink and censor yourself. As such you are able to become a vessel through which the spiritual gift can be passed on to others. Don't block yourself. Let life happen through you. Only benefit can come from this."

And free from judgment, free to love

" If you have been asking life for a solution to a specific difficulty you have been having, this Oracle comes with the message that a solution is in gestation right now. This situation is already being sorted out and the resolution will come to fruition very soon. Hold tight and wait for the eminent birth of that resolution."

" This Oracle also brings you a message about love. You may find that you are loving, or soon will love, in a different way. You may worry about this love, given that it defies what you have known or been taught about love. Perhaps you are becoming able to love another tremendously, even though you don't have much of a personal relationship with them. You might question if this love is real. It is real Kama it is just happening at a different level to the love and attachment you experience when you are involved in a personal relationship with someone. It is not more or less, it is just a different facet of love. It may be that you are opening up to love the planet and her creatures, including the animals, the ocean dwelling life, your own body, the trees and so on, more than before period you may feel passionately purposeful about giving your time and energy to causes that protect and nurture the Earth and her creatures. You are affirmed in this love too. The universal mother is operating through you to nurture life. She will support you in your work, so that you can continue To come from love and not become drained, depleted or lost in despair or fear of futility. Instead, you will be energised and expanded by your dedicated service to life."

" Finally, this Oracle has a message for those who may be feeling alone or lonely in a need of greater nurturing from others. You are asked to stop, relax, centre and settle into your body to feel your connection with life itself. The air in your lungs is the same as the air that moves through the trees. The water in your blood is the same water that fills the oceans and is moved by the phases of the moon. The flesh of your body is the same substance as the body of the Earth itself. The heat in your digestive system is the same fire and heat as that from the Sun. Feel this connection, then do something nice for another without agenda. Make a donation, even if just a small one, smile, say a prayer, sent out a good thought or make a wish for another. That's it. You have connected to life again and in doing so, life can connect with you. And so it shall.

And that's all for the cards but but but.

Someone (either my guide or yoongi) was like, "do a song. Do a song. Do a song." And I was like, "oki doki, sounds good.

So I asked what numbers I should try refreshing and then it hit me. The number 14 came up before the reading and it seemed a bit misplaced? So I did 14 shuffles and look what popped up

You gotta be fucking with me.

Istg these fools will actually be the death of me dude. Euphoria is so romantic and I lowkey feels like it describes a bit of what their bond must be like.

YOONGGGIIII

Anyway,

I came back to the platform to be like, "thanks homie" and it was weird bc he was practically pure energy? Like usually I visualize his energy as what his physical body looks like because it's easier to comprehend? But nope, he was just a big shimmery glob of energy.

As I was going to disconnect, a few things happened. I felt tingly and the platform was vibrating almost? So I was like, "hold on, what the fuck is this?"

And then

It hit me

"MIN YOONGI IS YOUR SOULMATE HERE??"

I could tell this fuckin asshole was smug even in his blue glob form.

The color was... blue like yoongi but also a light lavender/ pink kinda vibe. Pretty damn distinct.

I was so stoked and I thought we'd all get to chat and I could yell at his soulmate for being an elusive asshat

But Mr smug butt had different plans.

My dude dropped a little marble thing in my hand and I was like ??? And he was like, "you'll know when you need it" and I was like ?????

My guide took pity on me and said, "it's just a representation on information that you've been given but it isn't the proper time to unpack it yet"

Cool cool so like and energetic zip file that will release itself whenever it damn well pleases? Cool cool cool.

(Asshole)

Anyway, I genuinely think that my excitement of this whole situation must somehow also influence how yoongis energy handles my prodding? Like what the fuck is this marble bullshit?

To top it all off, he gives me a friendly shove off of his platform.

Thanks, buddy.

Now we are here. And as always, I'm left with more questions.

My main take away is that amay 13th through July 28th will be all the foundation and ground work and December 28th 2021 through May 10th (11th? 9th?) 2022 will be a more likely time for physical union and actual relationship stuffs.

Anyone who knows more about astrology please feel free to chime in on this whole Jupiter in Pisces bit! My understanding is super surface level!!

~~~~

That was a big boi and now my thumbs hurt real bad. Hope you were entertained by the chaos.

[jediken0bi]

At The End Of The Day

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary:

Reid is scared his Job is eventually going to take away the thing he loves the most. You.

word count: 2023

-

Spencer sat on the counter in the kitchen, sipping on his sugary coffee and watching you move around the room. You decided you wanted homemade Waffles this morning and Spencer made the quick decision to not even attempt to lend a helping hand. He usually ends up burning half of the food anyway so you're not complaining.

And if you're being honest you liked being able to do something nice for him while he relaxes. It's not like that's something you get to see all that often.

You really only get to have Spencer to yourself on the Weekends and even then your time together isn't always guaranteed.

That's something you guys struggled with a lot. He even more so than you now that you think about it. He is so quick to beat himself up over not being able to spend more time with you and it breaks your heart.

Of course you would like to see your boyfriend more often but you know how much he loves his Job and you would never ask him to quit or hold his crazy schedule against him.

After all, it's not Spencers fault serial killers don't take the weekends off.

You throw little glances at Spencer every time you add a little bit of batter into the Waffle Maker and each time you find him already looking at you with loving eyes and a silly smile plastered on his face.

You can't help but giggle a bit before shaking your head lightly.

There are certainly days where you can't wrap your head around the fact that the genius with the pretty face feels the same affection towards you as you do.

Another minute goes by before he puts his coffee down, pushes himself off the counter and walks over to you to carefully wrap his arms around your waist.

"Someone is awfully cuddly this morning", you say with a huge smile on your face. You lean into his touch so he knows you don't actually mind the closeness.

He still has days where he can't tell whether or not you're making a lighthearted joke or are trying to reject his advances. It took him a long time to be able to initiate physical contact without you having to make the first move or ask for it.

That's not because he didn't love you though. He simply didn't know what to do in a relationship.

He was trying to figure out the do's and don't's and you were more than happy to help him learn and understand what it means to be truly loved by someone.

Nowadays he doesn't hesitate to seek comfort in your arms and there's nothing you can think of that makes you happier than that.

All you ever wanted was for Spencer to feel at home with you.

He put his head on your shoulder and smiled into the crease of your neck

"I can't help it. I haven't seen you in 8 days, 5 hours and 24 minutes and now that i'm here i don't wanna waste a single second of it"

You silently put the last Waffle on the plate you set out and turned your head so you could face him.

You try to catch his eyes and as soon as you do, you press a light peck onto his pink lips.

"I missed you so much", you say while he softly grabs your waist to turn you around positioning you so that you're facing him.

He presses gentle kisses to your forehead, your nose, your cheek and suddenly stops right before your lips.

"I missed you too, my love"

Before you can form an answer he plants a firm and loving kiss on your lips making you forget about breakfast for a second.

But only for a second.

You start smiling into the kiss and lightly push him away. The distance between you two only big enough to let you catch your breath before you laugh and say

"Let's go eat. We haven't had breakfast together in a bit and i wanna cuddle on the couch and watch some Doctor Who"

He laughs and nods his head so his short curls fall into his face.

You bite your lip to suppress a grin before tucking the lose strand of hair behind his ear.

He reaches behind you to grab the plate and makes his way towards the couch you two picked out just over a month ago.

You follow him immediately, feeling giddy that you get to cuddle your boyfriend for the first time in days.

He puts the plate down, plops down on the couch and immediately opens his arms to invite you to get comfortable in them.

While you snuggle into his chest he grabs the remote and starts queuing Doctor Who Episodes for you guys to watch and analyze together.

You wrap your arms around his torso and bury your head into his neck. You sigh happily and plant tiny kisses on his shoulder and neck.

He tightens one of his arms around you and starts playing with your hair

-time skip-

Almost three hours later, the waffles long gone, you get up to get some drinks for the two of you.

As the credits to the third episode start rolling you can't help but notice that Spencer had gotten unusually quite.

You sit down next to him, put a hand on his arm and ask with a calm voice

"Baby what's wrong? You got so quiet and it looks like something's bothering you. Did something happen at work? Did the case end bad? Whatever it is Spencer i want to be there for you"

He looks at you with wide eyes. Almost like a kid with his hand stuck in the cookie jar. He looks guilty and it's making you nervous. You know you can't push him but you would be lying if you said you weren't worried.

He looks down for a second unsure of his next move. He takes a deep breath and hesitantly turns around to look at you.

Your hand immediately finding its place on your boyfriends jaw. Running your thumb over his stubble in a calming matter.

He leans into your touch and closes his eyes for a second.

You knew that he would eventually start talking so you had no problem patiently waiting for him to summon the courage to say whatever was on his mind.

"I was talking to Morgan the other day and he said something that got me thinking. Actually, i think it's fair to say that thinking turned into overthinking really quick. Although i don't know anymore. At this point, it might be a completely valid fear and i'm just trying to convince myself it's not. Of course you could apply that logic the other way around as well but - I'm rambling, aren't it", he says in pretty much one breath.

You show him a understanding smile and say,

"Yeah but it's okay. I want to hear what's on your mind. No matter how confusing"

He looks up at me and smiles with sad eyes

"I know you do and that's why the thought of ever losing you drives me completely insane"

You stare at him for a moment not understanding why he would be thinking of losing you before taking his hand into yours and asking

"Spence, do you want to tell me what you and Morgan talked about?"

He sighs loudly and runs his thumb over the back of your hand.

Looking straight at you he decides 'Now or Never'.

"He just broke up with his girlfriend and we were all trying to be there for him. He seemed completely fine but you never know with Morgan so i went to talk to him about the break up and he just smiled at me and said 'It is what it is, Pretty Boy. Relationships are doomed to break in our line of profession. Enjoy it while it lasts' "

he tells you doing a weird impression of Derek.

Under different circumstances you would've laughed.

You look at Spencer with a small smile on your face. He looks so distressed, you can't help but run your hand through his curls and climb into his lap.

He doesn't waste a second wrapping his arms around you to secure your position and before he can question you, you say

"So that's what this is about? You thinking i might leave you because of your Job?"

He shakes his head slightly and looks up to meet your eyes

"No this is about you deserving a boyfriend who doesn't spend 90% of his time a couple of states away from you every week. It's about me not wanting to make you feel like you come second when there's nothing that's more important to me than you. I would quit my Job if you asked me to. There's plenty of Jobs out there but no one quite like you. I hate to think that you might come to resent me for being away so much"

You run your hand through his curls again and smile softly. It's your turn to shake your head.

"What i deserve is a boyfriend who loves me for who i am. Someone who cares about my feelings and thoughts. Someone who doesn't mind binge watching Doctor Who with me on the weekends because i like that way better than going out. Someone who reads my favorite book so we can have a conversation about it. Someone who shows me how much he cares every single day. And i already have all that. I don't need anything or anyone else. I promise."

Spencers eyes are shut tightly and he leans his forehead on yours. He presses a light kiss to your nose and wistfully admits

"I'm just so scared my Job is going to take you away one day"

You wrap your arms around his neck and whisper

"I know a thing or two about that. Baby, you do so much good in the World. I couldn't be more proud if i tried. Let me ask you something. You like your Job, right? Despite everything it asks of you?"

He nods softly and opens his eyes

"I love my Job. Helping people gives me a chance to make a real change. It's what i've always wanted to do."

You smile at him and hum in agreement

"That's right. And you love me too, right?", you ask cheekily

He looks at you like you hung the moon, grabs your hand to press a soft kiss against it and says

"Of course i do. More than anything"

You once again nod in agreement.

"Then you have to understand that the World isn't always 'This or That'. I would never ask you to quit your job for me. I wouldn't want that. I love you too much to take away the thing that fulfills you and makes you happy. Relationships take work, Spencer. I'm not saying it won't be rough sometimes but at the end of the day you're my Clark Kent to the BAU's Superman and i wouldn't change a thing"

He looks at you with loving eyes that are glazed over with unshed tears and whispers

"I'm going to marry you one day, i promise. I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you that you're loved beyond compare"

He starts covering your face in kisses resulting in you laughing at his antics.

This wasn't the first time you two talked about marriage. You knew that he was the man you were going to walk down the aisle to. There wasn't a doubt in your mind.

You push him back down on the couch so you can lay down on his chest and say

"Now that we've established that you looove me, i think it's time for you to start the next episode. It's my favorite!"

You said it in a mocking voice but it genuinely did make your heart beat faster and he knew that.

"Damn straight i do", he says as he reaches for the remote.

Weekends with Spencer are simply the best.

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

We Met Within This Screen (chapt. 2)

[Donnie x fem reader]

Sfw, part 1 here

Intellectually, Donnie was the best matchup for their leader as today was sparring day. He'd gone against his oldest brother many times, sometimes even coming out the victor himself, but today was just not his day.

He held his staff with that iron grip of his and waited for Leo to come at him. Donnie was more on the defensive than any of his brothers; he had to be. Out of all he was weakest physically but superior in calculations, but he was missing range in this matchup. Leo had a hard time disarming him as his katana could sometimes get lodged in the solid wood staff, giving Donnie leverage to perform the finisher in the short time it took him to dislodge his sword. He thought this time would be how that would happen.

"You're slow today, Donnie," Leo said as he lunged at his brother with a swing of his katana, forcing Donnie to step back. He was too focused on blocking Leo's rapid succession of attacks to respond.

Leo reeled back to swing his blade again but Donnie parried and struck his arm with his staff, shoving it aside. For a split second, Leo actually thought he was fixing to go down by this move if Donnie could hit him again quick enough. But his brother hesitated in thought, and without any reluctance himself, he used his other katana to put him in a compromising position. The match was over and Donnie was forced to stand down.

"Why did you hesitate?" Leo questioned him, lowering his blade. Raph watched from the sidelines with Mikey as they prepared to go up next. Since Leo was the winner, it was Raph's turn next to spar in his younger brother's place.

Donnie huffed and dropped his stance, putting his staff away. "It's just an off day," he replied. Splinter wasn't there to dictate today's training session and tournament, so Donnie was already on his way out to go to his lab by the time Raph stepped up to spar. But Leo sheathed his sword and put a hand on Donnie's shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

"You've been pretty eager to run back to your lab lately," Leo said matter-of-factly. He was wondering what was going on, why Donnie seemed weirdly distant the last couple of weeks. He had gone through a very withdrawn phase in earlier times upon entering his teenage years, but now, he was legitimately making everyone guess. He didn't snap at his brothers, and he wasn't any more impatient than usual. But something was different. He'd been spending a lot more time holed up in his lab, which everyone began to notice. Leo wanted to know what was wrong.

Donnie shifted and shrugged, "Like I said, I've been busy with some projects. Also, it's not like I have much to do out here beside training and patrol."

Leo opened his mouth to speak, but Mikey jumped on between them. "You missed game night last week! You never miss it," he butted in. Both Donnie and Leo gave him a look as if to say really? and he added in, "Well, uh...not usually."

Gently moving Mikey aside, Leo wanted to continue, but he saw Donnie staring at him expecting a follow-up when he didn't really have one. Whatever this was, Leo knew that coming at Donnie with questions was not the way to go about it. So he stepped back and gave his brother some space.

"We all have off days," Leo said finally after an awkward moment of silence. "Just work on your speed, Don."

"Got it."

With that, Donnie turned to leave, and Raph entered the ring to go against Leo in the last match of the night.

Once Donnie was gone, Leo got ready to spar with Raph. As they got into position, he contemplated bringing this recent development up with the other two, but decided against it in the end. He didn't want to incriminate Donnie, especially with Raph's assertive approach to handling things. Donnie could be somewhat flighty at times when it came to resolving matters of emotion, at times a little too introspective, but Leo couldn't fault him—he had his own struggles with that very thing, too.

Done, finally, Donnie thought as he skirted into his lab and started up the game. He was late to the party quite literally; training lasted longer than he'd thought, and he was disappointed to see that his newest friend was online, but not responding to his invite. Did everyone get together and play without him? After a few minutes, he almost decided on giving up. The instance made him contemplate whether he even wanted to continue this. Perhaps he'd been too eager.

He sighed. And then the menu pinged, and he was there reading the message in an instant.

Hey, sorry I partied up without you, I just didn't know if you were gonna be on or not :/

Without even thinking, he licked his lips typed back, repeatedly deleting and retyping his message to make sure it was casual but not too casual, apologetic but not desperate—

It's okay, don't worry about it

Likewise sorry it took me so long to get here.

That would do. He'd be lying to say he wasn't feeling that flutter in his stomach; the excitement of something new got to him in a way that only a discovery in his research did, or how he felt when he mastered a new technique in his training.

Let's get started then :)

They started the game, and this time he kept the mic on, as she did. They talked back and forth as they fought creatures and enemies and looted things, eventually coming to learn that she herself was in New York City. He was surprised; suddenly, the world felt a lot smaller, and he couldn't concentrate on just playing after that. The time they spent became more of an opportunity to converse than to play a mundane game for hours on end.

At some point, she switched the topic to his whereabouts. Donnie's breath hitched.

"I'm...not anywhere near. So it doesn't really matter," he told her, cringing. If the guys found out—if Splinter found out—he would be in such trouble.

"Oh," she paused for a moment, trying to find something to say. "That's alright, I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me, you know?"

He'd muted his mic to release a deep breath. He got lost in thought thinking about how in that moment, he wanted to be human. If he weren't a giant mutant turtle, he could actually form a connection with someone. It was a very "Mikey" thing to think, he reckoned, but at times he wanted friends just like his brother did.

"Yeah, sorry, I just…"

"It's really no problem, dude."

He felt as though he could hear the smile in her voice. What did she look like, he wondered. He wanted to see her, but he couldn't ask for that when he could never do the same. If he could get her name, he'd be in the clear to do some preliminary lookups on this person, but so far, she'd been dodgy about sharing info about herself as well. He couldn't blame her. They were two strangers online, one with a huge secret and the other completely in the dark about who he truly was. For all she knew, he could have been a creep, looking to stalk her online and perhaps do even worse. The thought made him feel almost nauseous, how she could be considering that about him as a possibility as they spoke. But she seemed comfortable enough. Unlike him, who was still slightly skeptical of the entire thing, because after spending his whole life in practical isolation, he was at a loss as to what to say or do after a certain point. The conversation died off and both of them thought simultaneously about how weird the sudden silence between them felt.

She hummed, as if searching for something to bring up. When she spoke, he was taken aback—"Hey, I'm gonna be honest, I really like talking to you but this game is getting boring. Do you wanna chat somewhere else?"

"Uh…" he trailed off, mind shooting blanks. Oh, was it just a horrible idea. He couldn't keep the jig up forever; the truth was bound to get revealed somewhere down the line. He was fixing to reject the proposition, tell her that he didn't want to take it that far. She could be anyone. The likelihood of it being a clever ruse on account of the Foot Clan was slim, but the paranoia still worked ambiently in the background noise of his mind. But his other doubt stopped him—when would he ever have a chance at this again? He wanted to have the strength to say no and leave it at that. The loneliness that crept up on him from time to time had something else to say.

"Yeah," he answered after a terribly long pause of mumbling, fighting with himself all the way as she told him where to add her. He could have kicked himself had it not been for the fact that he knew how to encrypt data, and that as long as he didn't leak a word about his inner circle or life, it would be okay. It didn't feel okay, though.

"Nice! I'll text you, see you later, Bo. I had a lot of fun tonight," she chirped.

Before he could respond, she was gone from the party, and the mic went silent. It happened so fast. He was barely caught up with the fact that he was now receiving messages and prompts to talk, but he couldn't bring himself to answer right away. He had to refocus his logic; how could this be used by the enemy as a way to get to them? Could they have somehow anticipated he'd download this game and find this random on there? The more the thought about it, the more glaringly obvious it was that it was not the case. It was just too improbable.

"The probability of the Foot being able to simulate such a specific scenario in order to get intel on us is so slim, it is practically non-existent," he told himself as he finally pulled up the messages. He read through them. "Approximately a zero-point-zero-zero-zero..."

My name is (Y/N), by the way :)

Well, that was easier than expected. He figured that somehow, the name suited you—a fitting name for such a personality. But it also gave him a glimmer of hope. It made him want to ask why you appeared to trust him, as he could be anyone on the Earth over the screen, not his benevolent self. Which she had no way of proving, technically. But he soon came to realize the screen painted him in a whole new light that it casted on him. It hit then that he could be anyone. He didn't have to be himself; not necessarily. She'd never have to know, as he could wear a human mask and she'd be none the wiser. Problem was, the lying made him feel guilty, and slowly would develop to be the thorn in his side.

Donnie thoughtfully stared at the screen. Now that he was here, some of his anxiety began to fade. He found himself actually able to talk, someone to listen to his tangents and even build upon them. They spent hours texting back and forth about anything and everything until it was almost time for him to put the phone down to leave for patrol. He felt giddy, like a kid, all over again.

________________________________________

Had you ever been able to talk to someone this easily?

You asked yourself that question as you exchanged with the faceless and nameless stranger over your screen, chatting from afternoon to night. Time flew by in an instant, with him, and you loved every minute. He was someone intellectual, but funny and so easy to talk to that it was as though the conversation carried itself. After some time he came out about his age after you revealed yours. Oftentimes, he'd just present to you a random question when the subject tapered off and run with it, like now:

What do you think of reptiles?

Puzzled, you took a second to reply. Odd question.

Why do you ask? Do you have one?

I was just curious

What do you think of them?

The chat indicator flip-flopped between "typing" and "idle" a few times before a message finally popped up, and you smiled. You'd learned over this short time that he was a dork in a cute way.

Well...I think they're pretty cool.

They've got natural armor and you would be surprised to know just how fast a turtle can be

You laughed a little to yourself. It was such a random thing to bring up, yet you were endeared. Deciding you'd go along with it, you asked him what else he knew about turtles.

Well...

__________________________________________________

Donnie was wondering what he was talking about just as much as she probably was. Stupid, he thought, facepalming. His first time really speaking with a human as an equal and he starts talking about turtles. Of course he knew a lot about them, he was one himself—but for some reason he found himself wanting to dispel myths and misunderstandings about turtles as if they reflected on him, when as far as she knew, he was just a human guy like herself.

He groaned lightly and typed, thinking up a fact that wasn't too conspicuous.

Red eared sliders are semi-aquatic.

As he typed the next part, he caught himself writing "we" instead of "they", to his dismay. He quickly fixed the error and continued, feeling weirdly exposed as it was almost as though in sharing this information, he was putting himself under a microscope for her to inspect.

They can hold their breath for up to thirty minutes, usually

Holding his breath was something he'd tested numerous times before. He and his brothers had actually made a game out of it on a few occasions, with Leo leading at thirty-three minutes, Donnie in second at thirty-one. Raph broke at twenty-nine minutes and Mikey followed behind in last at just twenty-seven. The ability could be trained, nonetheless.

That's interesting, I wonder what it's like to be able to go underwater so long?

It's kind of cool, you should try sometime

For THIRTY MINUTES?

Shit. He promptly replied:

No—not like I can hold my breath that long, I just mean you should try to see sometime I guess

I tested it just for the fun of it.

Looking up how long humans could hold their breath on average (between thirty seconds and two minutes), he bumped the number up a little bit and added:

Personally, I'm at two minutes and forty-five seconds

He was embarrassed, partially covering his face as he waited for a response. Such a foolish slip-up; he couldn't afford to say anything cryptic. But he still was fairly sure that he had recovered that alright. He couldn't help but think about how awkward or weird he seemed to her. Who talked about this?

I don't think I could hold my breath for more than a minute, kudos to you haha

Anyway, sorry to switch gears all of a sudden but if you don't mind me asking, what's up with your family? You have any siblings?

He told her no. He would not bring his brothers into this, lest it be the slim chance of a ploy, after all. He said his family situation was unconventional and left it at that.

With that, he said to her goodnight and put his phone away, getting up to go get geared for patrol. It was only then he noticed the figure leaning against the doorway.

Chapter 3

[elenajohansenreads]

Books I Read in 2021

#84 - The Glittering Court, by Richelle Mead

Mount TBR: 70/100

Rating: 1/5 stars

What did I like about this? It was digestible. Having just come off a heavy, plodding, disappointing fantasy read, the easy YA tell-don't-show narrative style went down smooth like a slushie on a hot day.

And that's the best thing I can say about the whole book--it read fast and easy.

What didn't I like?

1. The fact that this touts itself as fantasy when it's not in the least bit fantastical. I don't require my fantasy to have magic or creatures or zombies or anything, but if you're going to call something "fantasy" it should at least be about fictional cultures that the author has invented. This is just England colonizing the Americas with the names changed. The only thing that could be said to be "fantasy" is that the population they're displacing in the process isn't an indigenous one, it was established by previous outcasts from their own country--though that wasn't clear to me until the first time we met them and they were white, blond, and used woad as decoration. So they're not supposed to be Native American analogues, they're supposed to be displaced Picts?

2. Either way, it's still racist and pro-colonization, because even if the Icori aren't meant to represent an indigenous people, they're still clearly Other, and constantly labeled as "savages" in order to justify taking their land, which all of our protagonists are participating in, in some form. Does it matter what color this fictional group of people is, if the narrative is parroting real history and real racism?

3. The second half of the plot feels, at best, tenuously related to the first half. The change in fortune for our protagonists that happens at the midpoint struck me as so flimsy and unbelievable that it was hard to take the rest of the book seriously, and that made it more obvious to me who the real villain was, despite whatever weak red herrings were planted along the way. Seriously--the first half of the story is The Bridgertons but the second turns into Little House on the Prairie. It's too big a genre shift to make the transition seem natural.

4. There were times when I was approaching a reasonable level of sympathy for our heroine, despite her many flaws, but every time the story had a chance to explore those flaws and perhaps let the character do some work on them...well, she just kept being headstrong and selfish and whiny, right up until the LHotP section where after a single pep talk from the hero, she's completely changed, resolved to her new station in life with a determination that seemed half-delusional and certainly out of character. She didn't work for it, so it didn't seem real.

5. I did not know, having picked up this book in isolation, that the rest of the "series" is actually the same time period from the perspective of one of the other girls, specifically the two best friends of the heroine. Now that I do know that, the giant blank spaces in this story where Mira and Tamsin constantly fall out of it without explanation--or with the pointedly obvious lampshade "it's not my business so I'm not going to ask"--make sense structurally. However, that doesn't mean I don't think it's a terrible flaw, because these holes are constant and irritating. For a while in the middle of the book, it felt like every time I turned two pages, the heroine was asking out loud, "Where's Mira?" And pretty quickly I knew that question wouldn't be answered in this book, so why keep asking?

6. I never found Cedric compelling enough a hero to justify the constant sacrifices that Adelaide made for him. I don't think he's a terrible character, and I enjoyed some of their banter and their occasional fights, but I'm also not about to add him to my book-boyfriend list, so it was hard to imagine myself, or anyone for that matter, doing as much for him as Adelaide did.

7. Religion. Woooo boy. I guess this part is the "fantasy" I was lamenting the lack of earlier, because if the accepted and heretic forms of this fictional religion are supposed to correspond to real-world counterparts, I didn't pick up on it with enough certainty to tell. But my problem is that it's suddenly a Very Big Deal that one character is a heretic, when religion had played such a small part in the story leading up to that revelation that I was mostly operating on the assumption that the main religion was socially performative, and that no one in the story was especially devout. Adelaide certainly doesn't seem to be. But since this heresy becomes central to the conflict later on, I wish it had been better established in the beginning, because (again) the second half of the book seems wildly different than the first, and this was another aspect that made it hard to take seriously.

8. Heteronormative AF. There's one token queer person who has a minor role, showing up just long enough for Adelaide to realize other women/cultures don't abide by her society's rigid norms and to feel briefly uncomfortable about it. But there's no follow-up, no depth, no opportunity for Adelaide to grow beyond what she's been taught. To some extent, I'm okay with that--not every story has room for fighting LGBT+ battles, and even more simply put, stories are allowed to be about other things. But parading just that one wlw character out for a moment, and making her a foreigner to reinforce her otherness, strikes me as a really poor choice if the story didn't actually want to fight that battle. Why bring it up at all? Especially as this is supposed to be fantasy, why couldn't the Glittering Court be an institution that provides marriage candidates to both men and women? If the candidate pool was both male and female, and so was the clientele, then many forms of queerness would be covered by it without having to dig into specifics about each character. (It doesn't directly address ace/aro people, but presumably they'd be less interested in a marriage mart anyway, on either side, and self-select out of it.) I mean, I know why, because that would mean that in the New World there would have to be women in positions of power who needed husbands (or wives, yes, but this wrinkle is about men.) And there's no shortage of men in the colonies, so that doesn't track logically the same way the actual setup does. But again, if this is supposed to be fantasy....

[faemen]

hello mutual who wonders why people like romance i have reached a conclusion and i want to share it with you if youre comfortable

if not (since its romance themed anyway) you are free to ignore all the info below yet say hi to me anyway <3 hi

anyway, if you've chosen to read this then i believe people obsess over romance and involve it everywhere so much is because of multiple reasons.

first of all, i've heard crushes are said to be very exciting. they make you happy when you think about that person. or at least that is what i've heard from others, i don't think i've had a crush so don't expect me to know for sure. and naturally, one often enjoys positive feelings and crushes fall into that as well. most people also want to be with someone, not necessarily in a romantic sense - but just, have someone to love and to be loved by so they aren't lonely and so that they can always go there for the support they need, you know? and since a crush makes you happy - that seems like a good option does it not? you are bound to the happy feelings because it'd only seem logical to want to be with the one who makes you happy. and so, since they're so bound to those happy feelings and desires to be with a person, they remember their crush for that. and it's not surprising you don't want to be logical because you're happy anyways right? if you feel happy around someone, then most want to go after those feelings instead of the logical thinking they could also use. and that is where the 'unflawed admiration' comes in. they follow their happy feelings and stop to think logically about things such as the flaws of their crush. so that is why they love romance so much, i believe.

and, some people find comfort in being understood by someone and having someone to relate to. you know? that is why they project onto characters and headcanon them their own experiences all the time. and even people who do experience crushes do that, because they enjoy the feeling and they experience it so projecting it onto a character and imagining them with another character gives them the happy imaginations they're looking for. they want to be loved and to love and (as i've explained above why) they look for their crush. so imagining such a happy experience and projecting it onto a character is probably the reason they ship characters together. sadly it's really alienating towards those who don't experience romantic attraction or are simply uninterested in it - because the majority is projecting about their own experiences and so they don't bother to think about others'. i am not saying that is good but i believe it's the reason why it happens

anyway, im done! this got long dnfnvkmjkmrm and obviously since i don't experience romantic attraction i can't know this for sure nor do i claim it's the truth or something. it's just my guesses and reasons why to it. i hope this made sense though /lh and if you did read it then thank you for all this ahbdwehbjnjdfnjmdc

hello hello, thanks for sharing!! i think youre right. i hope you dont mind me adding some of my own thoughts as well :}

i think why people also obsess over the idea of romance so much is because they WANT that happiness, and thats all romance is ever advertised as. for people who arent happy, they think that a person who understands them so fully would be the solution to everything. but i feel like these people also forget that romance and relationships are a give and take effort. in order to have someone truly get you, you must give them that in return. and that may also add to why couples breaking up and arguing is seen as loveless, bc crushes are always put on pedestals. people dont want to admit that the source of all possible happiness is human too, with wants of happiness and other feelings of their own.

that might be why fictional characters are so popular too, i think. many more options for your so called soulmate without any of the required commitment. you can make them all perfect and stuff, without ever having to be perfect for the character in return. they get the happiness anyway.

its sad, that bc of society, romance is seen as such a fix it all that people dont even bother trying other things that could make them happy. love is never seen as flawed, and so people lose logical sense since they want that so badly. they dont try and help themselves, or appreciate their friends, or the world in general, since romance just must be so perfect and happy. but when they get it, and find out it isnt, they get upset at the work.

imo, i think the only sort of romance that works out are well... ones that arent romanticized. humans clash with humans no matter your feelings, and unless youre willing to put aside personal values and understand the other person or people, things will never work out. romance is just as much work for the happiness and people should realize that, i think.

anyways, thank you again for the discussion, harai!! we may not really get romance ourselves, but with the addition of our logic not being impaired by romantic thoughts, we can understand it together in this way, i think.