#I know exactly why I’m writing it it’s bc I need external validation

[the-hopeless-haze]

Someone tell me why I’m writing a Hotchner fic when I haven’t watched Criminal Minds in like five years

Anyway it will be posted later today lmk if you wanna be tagged!

[annikuh]

lil vent abt writing man lol

why tf did I say I was gonna share this fuckin story man, I was just gonna give it a quick overview but now I’ve been hacking away at it all day and I feel like it sucks and I can do so much better. I’d love to fucking ask my partner to just let me talk thru the things I’m struggling with with him bc he knows these characters and he’s right next to me, but he straight up refuses to engage with anything about Panathir bc he upsets him for reasons completely lost on me, so I’m like…ripping things with my teeth.

the cross between “everyone look at the great work I’ve done with creating these characters” and “nobody fucking look at them bc you’re gonna misconstrue them and if you hate them I’ll murder/suicide” is fucking brutal LMAO

I hate not having control over who exactly sees it and what judgments people are making. I posted abt it being almost done on my art insta and seeing so many people like the post, and then hearing other people mention it…I’m getting scared like…I don’t feel safe with all of these ppl reading my shit. I have a reputation and this shit’s personal. I had some friends the other night say sumn like “what should we do if we don’t like it”—it was as a joke but I was like “please don’t tell me‼️” like I can’t handle more than my few little Jax stans who I know are safe and will like it seeing it. they already know I’m fucking weird—you guys already know I’m fucking weird—I can’t handle the vulnerability of everyone else knowing I’m fucking weird too.

& again I mean my fuckin bf already hates it so much he can’t bear to hear abt it so that doesn’t make me feel great either.

sry I’m just so stressed, its so dramatic but it feels like my life is on the line with this and idk what to do. it’s just so personal, which I know nobody really needs to know but still, I feel like I fucked up. & I feel stupid going back on it now bc that’ll make me look worse. oooogh I hate this, it feels like public humiliation, and it’s made even worse knowing that it’s not that serious, but to me it is serious which is even MORE embarrassing. I’m so fucking mad I can’t handle this I’m going to start ripping my skin off and killing people.

whatever. I’m still gonna post it. I’ll push it back a little, which is still very embarrassing (for nothing—allow the spiral to continue), but I’ll give myself more time so I can actually feel confident in it.

maybe I just send it to a few ppl or just get some fuckin hype going or sumn. hate that I need to ask for external validation—also very embarrassing—but whatever. I’ve got some safe people I can ask. had one of my best friends call me their successful little writer yesterday and it made me kick my feet, and my girl Andy always goes fuckin wild for OC content, amongst many other sweet vocal friends. So I am loved and supported. & it means a lot 🥲

ok it ended nice, thanx for letting me talk, I’ll have an edible and keep the violence to myself for now

[bisluthq]

hi! so i remember that you joked on cam’s podcast that harry styles turned you bi, so i’m coming to you for advice haha. so ive identified as a lesbian for about 1 year now. prior to that i identified as queer for like 3 or 4 years, but i never had a Real crush on a man. but lately i’ve been wondering if i might be bi. quarantine has me spending a lot more time fantasizing, and lately men have been sneaking their way in to my fantasies. one thing that might be relevant is that these are always faceless men, and i’m almost always much more interested in the specific woman theyre fucking rather than the man himself. and the other thing is that i can’t name a single real life man i find /that/ attractive whereas pretty much every woman has me swooning.

but here’s the thing. the idea of a dick has been turning me on so much lately. like the idea that you can do the motion of fucking and it’s not just a strap - both of you are feeling it. also lately i’ve /really/ wanted to suck a dick. like i cant imagine a single man whos dick id want to suck, but god that idea turns me on so much. i also think that i would love to have a dick myself so i could feel what it would feel like to rail a woman with a dick (before you ask - i know i’m not a trans man because i used to present very butch and i was frequently mistaken for a man and i did Not Like That At All). anyways, now im thinking maybe i’m bi but can’t imagine an actual man—just like male features—bc of mild trauma i have related to men? or maybe i’m just a lesbian with a dick kink????? oh my god haha i’m wondering if you have thoughts on this situation

oh, another relevant thing here might be that i may have been attracted to real life men before, i’m not sure. like one time i caught my gaze lingering on a jacked tan waiter, and in my youth thinking about men made me curious and a bit turned on (but maybe that was just the idea of sex turning me on and not men themselves?? ugh this is hard haha. maybe i just need to have sex with a man after quarantine is over and see how i feel.)

Yes this blog is all Harry’s fault tbh I’d be a good ole fashioned lesbian without the Lights Up MV (jk jk jk). So dick kinks don’t necessarily make you bi because women could have dicks right and I think your point about both feeling penetrative sex is... pretty valid lol and tbh hot for me too! I mean don’t get me wrong sex between two vaginas is AMAZING and a dick is by no means compulsory or important. But at the same time dicks are pretty hot as both a concept re externalized desire and like can be hot irl for reasons you state.

As I said I’m a cis femme woman and imagining fucking a girl with a dick gets me horny af so that part of what you said makes complete sense. Like it’s just a hot concept. I genuinely couldn’t care less about writing or even reading hetty smut from a female POV but FFS male perspective hetty smut is AMAZING. I mean except when it’s that weird straight man smut where it’s like highkey abusive because I just... don’t get it lol like I said the other day why would you want to fuck someone if it’s not to give pleasure I just do NOT UNDERSTAND THE MENTALITY.

I think what you know for now is you want to fuck someone with a dick. Again, that’s perfectly reasonable. I’d say try it and see what that’s like and... figure out from there. Labels are VERY HARD and you don’t have to use one and stick to it forever and if none fits exactly that’s also fine! “Queer” is enough.

[your-turn-to-role]

So I just got round to watching ep 75, and god, I’m in love with the way Caduceus talks about religion? Because it’s potentially the only story I’ve seen where a character’s spiritual beliefs resonate with my own, and also it fits really beautifully into the story as a whole.

Overwhelmingly when people talk about gods, at least in stories, they all come from the same sort of concept. It’s the general understanding that gods are all powerful beings. Some people want to serve these beings, some people are afraid of them, some people feel these beings created the universe and thus own it, some feel protected by them, some scorn their very existence. But however you feel about it, it’s generally understood in these sorts of settings that gods are beings of power beyond comprehension, that rule over a certain domain.

And that’s sort of where Fjord is coming from here, too. He sees that gods grant people power, has heard stories of the various gods and everything they’ve done. He’s dealt with Uk’otoa, knows how those kind of deals work. He’s going into this expecting a being, something with a personality and goals, something that may be feared or bargained with or trusted depending on who you are, but by and large, something much more powerful than he is.

But that’s not really how the Wildmother works. I haven’t listened to enough of campaign one to speak for that too, but at least in campaign two, that’s not how any god we’ve seen works. Melora isn’t a deity of nature, she is nature. That’s what Caduceus means when he says he talks to her all the time, every word out of his mouth is talking to her, because everything is nature. Sure, she has magic, and a voice, but so do most things, more things than we often realise. We’re not talking about an all powerful woman, we’re talking about life given to the very concept of every tiny piece of the universe that all moves as one.

There were a lot of really good Caduceus quotes in this episode. We’re really getting to the heart of who he is, and two of the big themes around him have been the interconnectedness of all things, and the fact that if you need proof to have faith, it's not faith.

The Clays are connected to the Wildmother, and also to the Raven Queen, and through that to all the gods. Caduceus serves nature, and by serving nature he serves life, and also death, and through that knowledge, and civilisation, and magic, and stories, and so on. He has a very strong concept of destiny, and he trusts in what the Wildmother wants, but he knows that equally she trusts him. What Fjord doesn’t seem to grasp is that Caduceus having faith in her and Caduceus having faith in himself are the same thing.

Because that’s how divine intervention works. And not just in this story, this concept comes up a lot when it comes to religions, but people have a hard time grasping it, because again, they expect an all powerful being to intervene. There is no all powerful being to intervene, just the pieces of that god’s domain working together. And the biggest pieces are people. People affect change. People are the intervention. We serve the gods by making our own destinies.

Which then relates back to the whole game they're playing, because like... people have made jokes that by Taliesin creating Caduceus he's made a character that can basically say "let's go this way bc it's where the DM wants us to go" without metagaming, and that has an element of truth to it, but at the same time, Matt's not writing this story.

Matt's making a world for them, and guiding their hands a little, sometimes, but its their choices that define it. And sometimes things happen outside of their control. Molly's death was entirely unplanned and just a combination of various bad outcomes, but it also became a pivotal point in the story that has defined so much after it, and without it Caduceus wouldn't even exist to say this.

Which is how this stuff goes, and defines perfectly the influence the gods have on the world. Sure, they create it, sure, they can cause problems for players sometimes, but they're not the ones moving this story. All the power is in the players' hands. (Honestly, the way Taliesin has folded so much game meta into his deep rooted ideas on religion absolutely delights me, this works all the way down)

Which comes back to why I like it. Because my problem with religion was always that as soon as you give the world to the gods it stops being your world.

If you say all of these facets of nature belong to specific people, you hand the power of that thing to those people. And that's why people rebel against it a lot, what fuels a lot of angry atheism, because they don't want beings like that to have that power, and honestly that's perfectly valid of them.

And I like the concept of there being gods in the world. Everything in this world is so interconnected, I feel like there has to be, not in the traditional sense of the word god, but just in that force that keeps things running. Because really, what is an ecosystem if not just a vast living being?

But it's not my job to protect it, or to serve it, or to fear it. I can't affect change on that massive a level, no one can. It can't do it itself either, except in the sense that each part within it moves at its own pace, in its own way, to affect change. Caduceus has also said that his role as a follower of the Wildmother is to give gifts, both to her and from her. And I think that's a nice way of looking at it. I bring gifts to the world with every decision I make and every goal I work towards, because that's how it functions. And if I ask the sky a question and it responds with the wind swirling around my feet, if I'm in a bad mood but it starts raining and I feel better, if a good song comes on the radio at the right time, those are gifts back.

And sometimes that puts me in the right place at the right time to help people and some people could call that divine intervention and they'd probably be right, and the path that led me there was mine, because of my faith that that would happen.

This is what Caduceus is trying to grant to Fjord. The power to walk his own path. Fjord’s entire character arc has been centered around the fact that he, at his core, does not know who he is. Fjord knows who he can be, is excellent at molding himself to become someone else, but he, as a person? He doesn’t know his history, he barely knows his interests, he definitely doesn’t know what he wants. Every goal he’s had has been to try and learn more about himself and the situation he’s in. And so far, he’s defined himself by his circumstances, and his use to other people, which is why he’s flailing now. The safety net of “I know I am worth something to these people for as long as they can use me” is gone. He needs a strength that doesn’t come from an external source.

Fjord thinks that by Caduceus doing all this, Caduceus is trying to make Fjord a Wildmother cleric. Caduceus isn’t doing anything of the sort. Fjord thinks that if he chooses a god, they’ll grant him powers. That’s not a deal that can be made, not with any good entity. Fjord thinks that the Wildmother needs a reason to accept him. Fjord doesn’t realise that she’s already made her offering.

Caduceus does, because Caduceus is the offering. Fjord needs help in knowing who he is, so she sends him a friend with a +9 to insight. Fjord needs faith in himself, so Caduceus teaches him what faith is actually about. And he’s learning, even if he hasn’t realised it yet. If faith needs proof, it isn’t faith. Fjord doesn’t have any proof right now that he has any worth to the team. But he stuck with them anyway. And they’ve accepted him, and he’s continued helping them, even though he doesn’t believe he’s capable.

And he does have strengths, which is what the two of them are on this mission to find out. Everyone’s expecting Fjord to multiclass, but Fjord’s not at the point yet where he can make that decision. He’s viewing the gods as a menu, waiting for someone to tell him the right thing to choose. But the strength comes with the decision. He’s not going to magically gain new powers. But when he decides on his next path, when he’s ready to commit to it, with faith it won’t fail, that’s when he’s going to gain the ability to see it through

(And, to go back to the whole “Taliesin how the fuck have you wrapped this perfectly into game mechanics holy shit” thing, that’s exactly how it’s going to work, because he’ll multiclass when he’s ready, and gain the benefits of whatever he chooses next)

[justthatspiffy]

it’s time to vent just a little bit more about getting stranded in the desert

i was feeling a little overwhelmed with surveillance and self-image, as i do, and i thought, hmm, i know how to fix this

i’ll drive out to a remote art installation that i’ve been meaning to visit bc 1) i’m an art hoe, 2) i wasn’t going to do anything important this week anyway, and 3) there is basically no chance anyone will notice me out there

interestingly, the fact that i figured i could shoot some for my photo class kind of defeated the purpose of being unseen. and i wondered, am i so desperate to be seen? or so desperate to control the way i am seen i would find a way to remove all external means of perception so this instance is seen only through my own (literal) lens? likely. unsettling reflections. something i explored in my final photo project (which i’m quite happy with, conceptually, but i forgot to turn in the digital copies which resulted in getting literally zero points and i should probably press this issue but like ugh)

so i absolutely interacted with the art exactly the way i intended to, just for a little longer than expected. the fact that isolation, basically the least of my worries, happened to be the main source of anxiety for my boyfriend made the whole thing a little awkward, but provided the motivation to actually do something instead of waiting for search and rescue (bc ya girl is popular, ya girl is loved, ya girl is an idiot who instead of saying where she’s going bc that would DEFEAT THE ENTIRE PURPOSE AND MAKE ME FEEL WEIRD just says ‘i’m going into the desert to look at art, i shan’t return’ (but everyone knows i intend to return)) or dying from exposure. dying from exposure in an isolated area sounds like an awfully poetic way to go

except everyone in hindsight is pretty critical of my lack of preparation/forethought/idk and to die poetically and have people not romanticize it would be a huge letdown. i have to write my own damn poetry so y’all can even come close to understanding my performance art but i kept telling myself the performance art was for me except i’m such a slut for validation and understanding i cannot set with that, others must understand why i do the things i do. i am never free from the need to justify my actions to others and bc of the art classes i’m taking i am getting really good at that but the better i get at that the higher my concept and the more i alienate those around me

but like yeah no from a practical standpoint it was literally stupid

not tell people where you’re going and assume there will be no problems

try to dig a ford pickup out of mud

cannot do these things

so i see both the stupidity of my actions as well as the conceptual/artistic reasoning, along with spiritual learning as a result bc goshdang if you can’t manage to learn something from your stupid decisions, and all others seem to think of it is 1) glad they’re not dead 2) lots of poor decisions all around 3) impressive they didn’t get mad at each other, they could get married

[mysmeshc]

Eyyyyyy mate, could I maybe get some RFA+V+Unknown scenarios with a tomboy MC? Full package of Mistaken For Gay kind of tomboy (short hair, wears men's clothes, lacks makeup 95% of the time, has more guy friends than girl friends, etc., etc.), whole nine yards. Not gonna go through the trouble of discluding Jaehee because reasons but you can write that one platonic or romantic as you see fit. as a smol straight tomboy i want to feel validated here because obvious reasons

Ofc!! You’re beautiful just the way you are!!

RFA +V + Saeran react to Tomboy MC

Yoosung- Yoosung was surprised when he saw you for the first time. - You never came off as very feminine, but for some reason he pictured you with long hair and softer features. - So when you show up to the party wearing a similar outfit to his own he was definitely thrown for a loop. - “Yoosung? Hi! It’s me, MC!” He blinked in response. - “MC… is that, really you?” - You immediately knew why he was confused and you were crushed. - You didn’t blame him, but you had hoped he grew to enjoy your personality more than your external appearance. - “I’m sorry, Yoosung, but this is who I am. I’m not interested in make up and dresses and other feminine things- not that there’s anything wrong with that!!- It’s just really not my cup of tea…” you rubbed your neck sheepishly. - Yoosung blinked once more before shaking his head slightly and smiling. - “MC!! I don’t care if you’re not girly! I just wish you would have told me! We could have coordinated matching bow ties!” he grabbed your hands, finding it hard to make eye contact after what he said. - “I’m glad you are the way you are…”- AWE MY PRECIOUS BBY- When you smiled back up at him he thought he was gonna faint. - You were breathtaking.

Zen- When he flirted with you over chat he did refer to you as very feminine, so to say you were nervous was an understatement. - You really liked him, and it seemed he really liked you, but you knew that your appearance could be called… unexpected. - Jaehee had short hair like you, but her face and body screamed femininity, while yours was much more androgynous. - It wasn’t that you had a problem with how you looked! - You just hoped that your appearance wouldn’t be a deciding factor between you and Zen. - So upon seeing a long white ponytail in front of you it was hard not to panic. - so, like the brave lil tomboy u were, you tapped him on the shoulder. - “Hm, yes-” - “Hi Zen! I’m, uh… I’m MC!” - His eyes opened slightly before a gentle smile took over his once surprised expression. - “You have no idea how much it means to meet you.” he grabbed your hands and kissed your knuckles, treating you like a princess. - “Z-Zen! You don’t… You don’t mind the way I look?”- omg he looked OFFENDED- “MC, what could you possibly mean? You and I are the most gorgeous people in this room!” He winked. - cue ur face turning into a straight up tomato- “But really, MC, you’re perfect just the way you are.”

(I’ll skip Jaehee since you didn’t seem worried whether she was here or not)

Jumin- oh boy was he excited to meet you- Literally felt like a child on christmas morning- He was even more excited when you agreed to wear the dress he bought you. - you seemed hesitant but he concluded that you were worried about cost, which he ensured you he had covered. - he tried hard to keep composure but when word came through that you arrived he spoedwalked to the front of the party like it was NOBODIES business- Jumin is now Nyoomin- He looked around frantically until a gentle tug at his coat sleeve caught his attention.- “Hi Jumin, I’m MC.” you greeted warmly. - “MC…” He looked down upon you and you looked… uncomfortable. - “MC, are you okay? Is the dress the right size? You seem unhappy…”- Just like you could read through his bullshit he could read through yours. - You sighed, having dissapointed him in your eyes. - “I’m sorry Jumin, it’s a beautiful dress! And it fits like a glove! It’s just that… I don’t really like wearing dresses. It’s not my style, you know? I’d much rather wear what Yoosung is wearing…” You rubbed your arm, glancing off in Yoosungs direction. - Jumin looked like a kicked puppy, his eyes widened slightly with his lower lip barely puckered out. - “MC I wish you would have told me… I never want to be the reason you’re uncomfortable or don’t feel beautiful.” He grabbed your hands in his. - awe this man is too good and too kind- “Jumin it’s okay, I just thought you wouldn’t find me beautiful if I-”- OH HE WAS HAVING NONE OF THIS- “I would have to be the stupidest man on earth to not find you mind numbing my beautiful! No matter what you’re wearing, you’re my MC.”- … His MC?- Jumin realized what he just said and coughed, breaking eye contact. - “I- uh, What I meant by that was-”- you cut off his stutters by giggling behind your hand. - “It’s okay Jumin. I… I feel the same way.”- The smile that just lit up that man’s face is a smile you would never forget.

Seven- Bruh u could have shown up wearing Optimus Prime cosplay and he would still be like “LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL MC!!”- 100% loves how tomboyish you are. - When you arrived he nearly tackled you with a hug. - “MC!! You’re finally here! In person! HOW CRAZY IS THAT!!”- “Seven! Calm down! It’s just me…”- oh was that a smidge of SELF DOUBT HE DOTH HEAR?!?- oh no sweaty ;)- not on his watch- “Ya, MC, just you. that’s like saying the Mona Lisa is JUST a painting! or that Doge is JUST a meme!”- awe that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to u :’)- Seven understood your attitude though, when the waiter addressed you as sir. - He saw your confidence drop and knew exactly how to fix it!- “Actually, sir, it’s ma'am-”- “I think he was referring to moi~” you looked over and he had a LONG ASS WIG ON WTF WHERE DID HE GET THAT??!- you broke out in laughter as he used a redoculous high voice. - “See, MC? that waiter was just stupid! If putting on a wig makes him question my gender shows that he’s the problem, not you, so keep on keepin on with ya cute self!”- and that you did.

V- Honestly V had no clue bc u know he’s basically blind. - He could almost see your silhouette but just barely. - He was so overjoyed to meet you that he didn’t really consider that much about what you look like. - He was falling in love with your kind personality. - “Excuse me, sir, would you like anything to drink?”- V was about to answer when you cut him off. - “A-Actually, it’s ma'am.”- wait he wasn’t a ma'am what are you talking abo-- “I’m terribly sorry ma'am! please what would you like to drink?”- you ordered and he turned to V- “And you, sir?”- wait… the waiter thought you were a sir?- V ordered and as soon as the waiter left V smiled. - “Was the waiter blind too?”- when you didn’t laugh, but instead sigh, he got concerned. - “If you could see how much I looked like a boy you wouldn’t be surprised.”- oh no MC- “Well, then, even though I’m blind, I can clearly see a beautiful woman standing in front of me.”- “V… That’s very sweet but i’m over here.” you giggled, tapping on his shoulder. - V turned towards the sound of your voice, an embarrassed blush painting his cheeks. - “Ah, I’m sorry… but i still find you incredibly beautiful, MC.”- AWE V

Unknown (I’m gonna have this where he is found and at the party with Seven so this is where u meet him but u 2 had been talking and such on the messenger app b4)

- Despite his cold demeanor, Saeran wasn’t intentionally cruel- unless u were Seven lolol- but otherwise he was just straight up neutral. - so when u introduced yourself you were expecting a “hey dude/bro/other masculin nickname” - but instead when you said hi all you got was a “hey mc”- okay could u be ANY MORE disinterested. - you managed to talk to him, your nerves not easing throughout the conversation, afraid that he’ll bring up your appearance. - It takes him a while to notice your discomfort. - you’re in the middle of talking when he cuts you off - “Hey, stop acting all… tense and shit.”- ???- how did he know??- “I’m sorry, Saeran… I just thought you would reject me sooner or later.”- he raised an eyebrow - “It’s just that I look so much like a boy and-”- “Do I look like someone who gives a flying fuck about what people wear? For the love of God, MC, I wear chokers and I paint my nails. Fuck what society thinks a girl needs to look like. Who cares?”- you just stared at him in awe- “Wow… Thanks, Saeran.”- He looks back at you, ruffling your hair and the smallest hint of a smile graces his face. - “Don’t mention it.”