#I know I'm screaming into the void and I'll be lucky if even one person reads all this rambling crap

[last-flight-of-dickarus]

(Apologies @ryfkah if it's weird to see someone geeking out about a story you wrote years ago, but hopefully you like or at least don't mind playlists based on your characters)

This story has settled firmly in my brain and cemented itself as a new sandbox for my silly daydreams, so I made a playlist (right before I learned there's another wonderful Suradanna playlist out there that even shares a couple of songs with this one). I've built up this world and these characters in my head so much that half the songs I associate with them wouldn't make sense to anyone else, but I tried to keep the playlist rooted in canon.

Song list and a little about why I chose each one below the cut because I'm incapable of posting anything without commentary but it got like... really long.

Hyperfixating on a short, standalone story is the book equivalent of falling in love with a side character who only appears in one episode. Something something you fill in the rest with your heart. Anyway.

Hozier - It Will Come Back: This one was irresistible. It's the longing. It's the "please don't offer what I can't accept". It's Bog Man, Honorary Lesbian Icon.

Florence + The Machine - Never Let Me Go: I mean come on. "The crashes are heaven for a sinner like me/But the arms of the ocean delivered me"? It's the imagery. It's a person as a constant and an anchor and the sea all at once. It's, again, the honorary lesbian icon.

Arctic Monkeys - Love is a Laserquest: It's the whole vibe tbh. It's that sweet sweet distant longing for something you're trying not to want. "Do you still feel younger than you thought you would by now/Or darling have you started feeling old yet?/Don't worry I'm sure that you're still breaking hearts/With the efficiency/That only youth can harness"

Arctic Monkeys - Only Ones Who Know: It's the secret shared with only one other soul in the universe with the constant awareness that that soul is far away in every sense of the phrase. "And even if somehow we could have/Shown you the place you wanted/Well, I'm sure you could've/Made it that bit better on your own"

Sea Wolf - Dear Fellow Traveller: It's the sea imagery as always. It's the shared journey of immortal wanderers. There are so many lyrics that fit them so well but I've always loved "You spoke my language and touched my limbs/It wasn't difficult to pull me from myself again/And in our travels, we found our roads/You held it like a mirror, showing me the life I chose"

Alana Henderson & Joshua Burnside - On Board: This song. The perfect sailor's love song. I've loved it forever and it's perfect for them. Every line, the way the lines are shared between both singers, the entire theme. It's just. Yes. Even just the chorus: "You should get on board/With someone whose course is steadier than mine./You should get on board/With someone whose eyes are on the horizon, and not on the skies/On board with someone/Whose anchor is heavier than mine"

The Staves - Dead & Born & Grown: It's the tragedy of immortality, this time from an old immortal to a young immortal. "I'll stay the same and stand here on my own/'Til everything is dead and born and grown/Just go at your own pace/As you slip and tumble down from grace"

The Mountain Goats - Sometimes I Still Feel the Bruise: It's "I needed you for years." It's the missing what was never yours and what you don't even really want to find again. "I'm under no illusion/As to what I meant to you/But you made an impression/And sometimes I still feel the bruise"

Lord Huron - I Will Be Back One Day: Again, it's the restless traveler who never stays long enough to get attached. Again, it's the 'I would stop running for the first time in my life. I would try to stay still long enough for you to understand me. I would do it for you.' I don't even know which one of them this song is about but it's sure as hell Them. "I remember the fateful day when I ran away/And you told me I couldn't return/You made me swear I'd never forget/I made a vow I'd see you again"

Gregory Alan Isakov - If I Go, I'm Goin: Again again, it's the wanderer who keeps a bag packed, always ready to run for fear of getting attached, but who deep down really really wants to get attached. "I got my change behind the bed/In a coffee can I throw my nickels in/Just in case I have to leave./And I will go if you ask me to/I will stay if you dare/And if I go/I'm goin' shameless"

Jason Isbell - Traveling Alone: Ok obvs I'm a sucker for this whole theme. Song does exactly what it says on the tin. "I know every town worth passing through/But what good does knowing do/With no one to show it to?/I've grown tired of travelling alone/Tired of travelling alone/I've grown tired of travelling alone/Won't you ride with me?"

Gregory Alan Isakov - That Sea, The Gambler: I'll admit, the lyrics to this one don't fit quite as well as the others, but there's something about it that perfectly hits both the restless traveler and the sea-as-a-person-and-home-and-freedom-and-fear vibes at the same time. "Cursed your captain and stow me below/Hold me amongst all your cards/Oh, we were sea bound and aimless at best/Clutching to the wheel and those charts/That sea was just a gambler at heart"

Billie Eilish - ocean eyes: Yes it's basic. No I'm not sorry. It's the longing for the gray-eyed mystery you don't want to want because they piss you off endlessly but you feel lost at sea and so so safe in those eyes every time. Also just "Careful creature made friends with time/[S]he left her lonely with a diamond mind/And those ocean eyes/No fair"

Boygenius - Cool About It: Again, basic and not sorry in the least. It's the running into your ex who you genuinely thought you were over and realizing that you still hope they think about you all the time, becuase they may not have been in a relationship but they were definitely exes lmao. "I'm trying to forget about it/Feelin' like I'm breaking a sweat about it/Wishin' you would kindly get out of my head about it/Tellin' myself one day I'll forget about it/Knowin' that it probably isn't true"

Lord Huron - At Sea: If the captain had a guitar, this is what I could see her playing. Just plucking away at the strings on a quiet night, lost in thought. "Lonely/All on my own just like I wanted to be/Lost out at sea/I might stay on my island for a couple of years/See how it feels"

Seafret - Oceans: God I've loved Seafret since their first release and look at them now, killin it. Anyway. Again with the ocean imagery and the longing. "It feels like there's oceans/Between me and you once again/We hide our emotions/Under the surface and try to pretend/But it feels like there's oceans/Between you and me"

Dar Williams - The Light And The Sea: Another based as much on vibes as lyrics, but once again it's the sea as home and the only eternal constant. "There is a light/There will always be the light and the sea/The rolling sea/The light and me/And it all comes down/Down to me/To feel the presence of my soul/Amid the torrents and the cold/Of the sea"

Seafret - To the Sea: Again again with the sea imagery and the longing. The lyrics don't exactly "fit", but I couldn't not include "Do you think of me/When you look to the sea?/I know it's hard to grow/When you're pushed to your knees"

Lord Huron - Frozen Pines: Another song for a restless, lonely wanderer who would stay if they only knew how. Also another one that could really be either of them. "I look up to the sky/And I know you're still alive/But I wonder where you are/I call your name into the dark/I wake up in the morning, oh/And I don't know where I've been/All alone on a mountainside/And I'm huddled in the wind/And it feels like I've been away for an era/But nothing has changed at all"

Mitski - Francis Forever: This one is lowkey so Suradanna. Again, it's thinking you're over your ex and then realizing that you've been hoping they've seen everything you've done. "I don't need the world to see/That I've been the best I can be/But I don't think I could stand to be/Where you don't see me"

Jack Johnson - Only The Ocean: Another one purely for the sea imagery and the captain. "After all of this time/After all of these seasons/After your one decision/To go to the water for reason/It's only the ocean and you" and like... all of the other lyrics too, tbh.

Boygenius - Not Strong Enough: Just like the first song, it's the 'please don't offer what I can't accept; I'm sorry I can't be what you need.' "I don't know why I am/The way I am/Not strong enough to be your man/I lied, I am/Just lowering your expectations/Half a mind that keeps the other second guessing"

Keaton Henson - Late To You: I fucking love Keaton Henson and so many of his songs could fit on this playlist. I didn't let myself overthink the order of the songs as much as I wanted to, but this one had to go last because it's just so perfect for that last scene on the balcony. It's the 'It took a lifetime, but I'm here now if you'll have me.' from both of them. "All these years parading/Parading my flaws/I've been slowly deflating/But baby, now I'm yours/Oh, I left it late to love you/And what is left ain't much/It took too long to trust you/I fear I'll crumble at your touch"

A novella featuring trade routes, magical fertilizer, and one girl’s centuries-long effort to impress a woman who is already in a committed relationship with a boat.

[tolorelai]

If I lost my memory, what's the first thing you'd tell me about us?

Leo: Débiter? No, I'd rather plug "timeless" volume 100, place a pair of headphones over your mane and wait because I know music will always bring you back to me

Lore: I'll probably read you a bookI would have written about our love and our story just like in the notebook; reading it until memories come back

What part of your life has changed the most since we met?

Leo: So as not to deviate from the obligatory corniness we have going on in this relationship, I'll say that this is the first time my faith in love is genuine; you're what I want, you're the person who fills the void and I now understand others when they say they can't live without their person.

Lore: ive got to be cheesy on this and confess: everything? but mostly, maybe the peacefulness behind the thought that I'll never feel alone (i’ve regained faith in love and true compatibility (destiny??))

What's your favorite weird habit of mine?

Leo: i don't think it's a weird habit but i would say that you are so meticulous that i find the whole process quite adorable. i know you don't do things randomly and it's really endearing to witness.

Lore: oh gosh I have no idea?? Hahahah okay i might get one, but it's not weird just truly cute. It's the way you always«??? » in ANY situations. Like I say something stupid =???. I say something surprising = ???. WHATEVER happens = ???. (and I kind of stole this habit so I love it more)

Why do you think I fell in love with you?

Leo: That's quite a question... Well, I guess it's because I'm the only perfect man alive (or because I was born to be yours); comme on dit: lorie has a great day every day, but leo only has a great day if lorie looks at him

Lore: cause im obviously the best you could get around there and maybe cause we love the same things (partly) and when we don't, we like to share, to listen, to learn, we are suckers for knowledge meant to be also, of course and cause we are a sort of balance? I don't know, it must be cause you felt safe and at your place with me (which is mutual)

What do you get from me that you don't get from others?

Leo: I rest easy knowing that my feminine ideal is my girlfriend; totally dream walking this life with you by my side.

Lore: as simply as it is: something real. I know you love me for who I am, and you're not building an image of me to satisfy fantasies, i know you're fully awards of my bad sides and you love me anyway

NEW SET OF QUESTIONS

What changed in you after we met?

Lore: i don't think I've changed?? Or maybe cause I'm still on the process of not overthinking. Yes that's it actually, you're teaching me how to feel safe and how to accept to be heard, like completely, without any doubts (so leading to calm anxiety, insecurities etc)

Leo: alors the thing that's altered is my self-identity (for sure); I can no longer imagine a world without your touch, and without you I feel lost; in a way, you're my compass

What was the first thing you told your friends about me?

Lore: if I remember correctly, it was « i like him a lot, he is sweet and makes me laugh ». later I was screaming cause of all the things I was feeling for u (brouahah de sentiments I never felt before, I was like « I think he's the one »?!)

Leo: I think I might have mentioned that I thought you were gorgeous and intriguing + I also might have said something about you and I having a lot in common.

If you had to describe me in three words what would they be?

Lore: loyal - the smartest - multitalented (disclaimer: humor comes with intelligence to me)

Leo: refined, delicate, demure but also (mouthwatering, divine, femme exquise, flawless, tender, discreet, charming, sweet)

What's the first thing about us that others probably notice?

Lore: our chemistry

Leo: I like to think that they see how much you and I fit each other like a glove. After all, I'm sure they can tell you make me look even better cause you're my lucky charm

What makes you so sure that you love me?

Lore: I'd rather die than be apart from you another day, i feel myself with you, i can be myself with you, you are so extraordinary, I admire you so much, I always learn something from you, and I've got infinite tenderness for you. + our relationship is a monument to me, i can sabotage myself but I'll never sabotage this again (afterglow gf is over)

Leo: It feels as though I've been waiting for you all this time - as though I'm inebriated, on some type of high, at (seemingly) every interaction I have with you, and I genuinely don't think I've ever felt such pure devotion to anyone - like they'd say "I would do anything for you; you just got to love me"; that's the only thing my heart wants from you (but id still do anything for you even if your love dries out)

When did you first know I loved you?

Lore: i got hint, but more about you demonstrating you cared about me (I've got an example of this I thought truly sweet; it was during a ngl time and you anonymously asked me if I was happy at the time or something like this)

Leo: *totally clueless, misunderstood the question and he thought qu’on lui demandait when did HE know that he fell in love* Alright, I won't deny that it's a difficult question, because i gradually became aware of it. déjà, I was drenched in an immeasurable happiness whenever it came to you and i had no desire for it to stop, the thought of you consumed me. it was always a struggle for me to be in tune with my emotions but over the course of time, as i started talking to you more and more, it felt like hell when you were missing cause you were clearly imprinted on my brain. the more you opened up about yourself, the more i realized that i was starstruck by you. you made me feel at ease with my emotions (très safe space vibes)

What was the first thing you noticed about me?

Lore: but I must confess: i can't lie about it, it was your sense of humor!!!!! I used to picture you as untouchable. im impressed by you since day one

Leo: hantise tu jouais selena gomez... thank god we didn't start talking when you looked like her. but on a more personal note parce que jai que des anecdotes superficielles: i was like - damn shes rly listening to me ramble alors que je fais le clown-très vaillante vibes

What's something we did that you never thought you'd do?

Lore: when we get back together? let me explain this one i always had the thought « if the relationships comes to a breakup, just move on, you'll be okay » and it was true cause each time I tried to fix things with my exs was more nostalgia speaking than love. so I was decisive about this way of thinking, and that's also why I took that much time to come back... but you and I, we are inevitable.

Leo: pareil, get back together.... i truly thought we were doomed because you didn't rly like me (?) but i guess i've been proven wrong…

What's your favorite thing about me?

Lore: how much you care for your relatives; this unquestioned and unconditional love you've got for them, it mesmerises me.

Leo: how sweet of a woman you are like if i put you in my coffee every day i'd end up with diabetes. my fav thing about you is your identity, your entirety t'as tellement de facettes (que i cherish) i couldn't pick you're such a woman to me, like think ideal? that's what you are.

When did you see a new side of me that surprised you?

Lore: Hahahahaha at the very, very first beginning, when I did not imagine you could have any interest in me & then suddenly you said something (can't remember what) and I thought « is he... flirting with me? ») THERE you surprised me.

Leo: O_o when you liked me back

[penginlord]

trying to get into a relationship with a lovely mix of social anxiety, autism and ADHD is just. .not fun in the worst ways possible (in my experience) and I kinda need to vent about it for a bit.

Part of the problem is that I'm just. . . really bad at asserting myself (?). I'm bad at communicating my wants and needs because I've always grown up not really wanting to be a bother, not wanting to annoy or anger or frustrate others (as well as the general struggle of being able to read where "the line" is socially) so I kinda just stayed back. And that makes it hard for me, now, to admit what my needs are, or to even talk about my own things, OCS, worlds, ideas or opinions for very long without starting to worry that I'm talking too much and bothering whomever I'm talking too. (Which sucks because I want to talk! I want to share what I like and what I'm doing, but I struggle to do so without explicitly knowing that's what a person is ok with. And even then I still look too the other person in a conversation to keep it moving, for little bits of their engagement so I know that I'm not boring them or something.) And I definitely struggle saying "hey, I need to spend more time with you in person so my anxiety can settle down and I'm not doubting this whole relationship", because that sounds selfish and that's a sin. I struggle to say that I want to talk more because even though I need it, it feels bad that I even do.

Which is also another fun part of social anxiety. Although I want a relationship, I really really do, getting one is not easy for me. Walking up and talking too someone is clear out if the question for so many reasons, and it's not like my college classes have much of an option either. (yay male dominated field). Dating apps are a desolate wasteland of gender imbalance, but they also feel like the only option I really have for trying just because I don't know anything else. (And dating culture in my state(Utah) really sucks for anyone outside of the social norms, which I am.). It just seems very hopeless, and admittedly kinda desperate to make whatever connection is made works. Which only makes the communication of needs/wants worse because I desperately don't want to mess something up and break everything back to square 0,

I may have gotten luck and found someone who I like, but I'm just so afraid of messing it up by being a socially oblivious and anxious boy that I'll probably end up losing it another way. Maybe it won't work out in the end, as much as I want it too, and I won't be lucky and find another person close to this for a while. And I don't know what I'll do.

This has just been a vent of my emotions and feelings and stuff. A scream into the void, if you will.

[yeeggbenny]

I'm feeling.

just feeling.

thinking about volunteering with my local youth LGBTQIA+ community services. wanting to do more with my community and, as a byproduct, hopefully gain some gay adult friends. I'm the only outwardly gay person in my job location (at STARBUCKS of all the god damn places) and I feel like I'm losing parts of me I felt so much in my last city, even though this place is so much more mentally better for me. being on testosterone being the biggest contributor to this gain.

i moved into a place on my Own for the first time at 31 two months ago (still renting, alas) and I've been overthinking my whole life in that time, as one does.

one of my co-workers last day was yesterday and she kept it on the downlow, she was partner of the week without me knowing and I had to erase her for the new partner today and someone said "awe, that's sad, erased for the last time" and I damn near cried.

I left my water bottle in my managers car, went home a few hours later, having set my mind that okay, I'll use a new cup, it'll be fine. found my water bottle on my doorstep. did cry this time.

sitting on my porch across from a river and realizing how lucky I am to hear the crickets and frogs, even though there's a busy street in between.

I love opening my windows and having summer air, having moved coincide with the release of seasonal depression, my season, someone who thrives in the heat and this past winter was the longest, coldest winter of my memory. feeling poetic about nature and singing more.

thinking about how I used to be a shitty person? I've been working on redirecting my thoughts and being able to just say fuck off and distract myself instead makes me cry about the progress I've made in my mental health.

and I've been biting back my lip for days, how I used to scorn at people's "it gets better" posts and now I want to scream it from the rooftops, shove it down your throats and promise you that. the bitter irony.

if you've followed me long enough y'know I'm not usually posting personal rants but I needed to tell the void this one.

[prometheusinitiative]

Chapter 1 Execution | Just One Promise

Kezia’s image on the television screens cuts briefly into darkness as the world around her disappears into pure void. There are no dancing colors of noise or stars where she is, or wherever it is that she isn’t. She free falls into oblivion, into a place where there is no meaning of time and no meaning of space.

Until, of course, she doesn’t. She lands someplace, sometime, somewhere.

Everyone can see on her television screen as Kezia finds herself walking down the stairs into a very dark tunnel. Kezia can barely see the steps ahead of her, never mind where she's actually headed to. There’s a thunderous rumbling coming from below as the distant sounds of trains whirring past vibrate in the hall as she heads on further, down, down, down.

After what seems like too long of a time - the stairs stop and Kezia arrives at a busy platform. Someone knocks into her and grumbles incoherently under their breath, and when Kezia looks to see, a faceless shadow of a man has pushed past her. Then another one does the same thing, and another– And suddenly the platform is busy as if it were rush hour. 

A train pulls up and suddenly the platform is swarming with the faceless shadows. The doors on the train chime, ding ding ding. Kezia swears she sees Tracy step off-  But before she can even get close to the doors, the flood of shadows pile on board the train and it takes off, Kezia's hair being blown in the whoosh. 

The platform is now eerily empty and after a minute wait, the next train is announced. 

“?̵͝͠?̴̕͝?̴̊͑ line! The train now approaching is to the Domain of Contracts. Please stand back from the edge of the platform.”

The lights in the station flicker red as the train draws to a stop. The doors open with a chime, and before Kezia can take a step, an unseen force pushes her on. 

"This is the ?̵͝͠?̴̕͝?̴̊͑ line to the Domain of Contracts. Please stand clear of the closing doors."

And there sits Tracy, as if they hadn’t just been bludgeoned to death merely hours ago. Their red hair combed back, coveralls swapped out for a smart long coat, long boots, and a daring crop top paired with suspenders. But what is most strikingly different is their expression – no longer friendly, happy-go-lucky Tracy. This person is almost a stranger. 

Tracy gestures for his murderer to sit down. Kezia is visibly in shock seeing them but feels compelled to do so. She watches as Tracy reaches into their coat and pulls out a piece of paper. Reading it silently, an amused grin spreads across their lips.

"Aw, someone's feelin' guilty, huh?"

Tracy mocks, side eyeing their roommate.

"...Of course I am. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I could have helped, maybe, I just needed more time..."

Kezia protests, tears forming in her eyes.

Tracy gives a shake of their head and lets out a dark chuckle under their breath, unmoved by the other’s distress.

"...I'll look back on it n' laugh eventually but... man, you've really pissed me off. Usin' my own plans to frame Oz? That's kinda fucked up, don't cha think— Oh, you do. Says right 'ere."

They tap the note they're holding.

(Art by Rin)

"N' you got the balls to be all boohoo 'bout it. You killed me, set up an innocent to take the fall, for what?"

Kezia begins to beg, tears streaming down her face,

"... S-stop. It didn't... it didn't have to be this way... I didn't have a choice... "

She's shaking and looks like she's about ready to leap out of her seat to scream in their face—and as if reacting to that urge, the train suddenly ties her down, locking her in place. 

Tracy watches Kezia struggle, unimpressed.

"N' I'm tellin' you, neither did I.” he replies with a roll of his eyes. "Fine, don't tell me. It's not like I'm gonna tell you my reasons, either."

Finally snapping, Kezia shouts--

"What the FUCK did you expect out of me? FINE! You wanna know my reasons? I don't want to die. You got a reason to live too, don't you? We all do! We all fucking do, Trace!" She's sobbing through gritted teeth, straining to get closer to him. "I made a fucking promise!"

Tracy loses their edge at that, slowly tucking away the piece of paper into their jacket before simply... staring at Kezia. The announcer interrupts the terrible silence. 

“The next station is Kezia’s Execution. Doors will open on the right-hand side.” 

The train begins to slow, the brakes whining and the carriage shaking. Tracy clicks their tongue, looks to the door, then back to Kezia.

"You made a promise, huh?" they ask.

The words from the intercom etch into her heart, the rattling of the cart making her tremble from buried memories... So this is it, huh? The mixture of anger, guilt, sorrow, regret, all come crashing together so heavily it dulls the rest of her sense. Does she really blame them for this outcome though, or herself...? 

Tracy speaks again as the tears keep rolling off her cheeks, despite how lifeless she feels. The question is the only thing that burns against the numbness. Last stop—might as well.

"So many promises. So many..." The weight of her head hangs low, only propped by the chains keeping her in place. "...And so many broken. Just one... just one promise I wanted to not fuck up.... just one I'd like to keep... for her memory."

Her voice can't keep from cracking under the pressure of her heart. If this is the last chance her voice will be heard...

"I'm so sorry..."

She says this out loud in desperation: To her friends and familiars she's hurt, to everyone she's lied to, to every shattered promise in her wake. To her mother, and especially, to Tracy. 

It doesn't change anything that she's done, she knows this, but still...

There's a heavy sigh from Tracy as the train finally draws to a stop. The doors chime before opening, and the manacles keeping Kezia in her seat release her. Before she can stand, Tracy is the one to get up. A firm hand on her shoulder keeps Kezia from standing, Tracy looking down to her.

"Then... consider this an opportunity to try n' keep it, yeah?" 

They look towards the door, which is beeping quickly, signaling its closing soon.

"This is my stop. You get off at the next one."

And just like that, Tracy steps off. The doors close. And Kezia is left alone to ride the train back home.

TRACY QUINN spares KEZIA LOCKE.

[tarotnoob]

PAC: Life is a movie; what's your role?

What role would you play in a movie? Lead actor, supporting actor, director, cinematographer, music editor, producer, stylist, stunts?

Would your life story be a rom-com, adventure, tragedy?

Choose a Taehyung and scroll for your reading!

Pile 1

My first inclination with this pile would just be validation for someone. Although, sometimes I'm not always sure if - when I use a photo of a person to shuffle - does it really pick up on the energy of the group or the individual? Because, I knew that this type of story also fit a time in Taehyung's life, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't resonate for someone else.

So, with that, there are several cards to indicate grief and loss of someone, particularly an older relative - a grandparent, likely a grandfather, but it just seems an older individual. Rather than read too much into that, I'll just say if that's a message you need to hear, their presence is - for me - all over the cards. And there may have been some real grief and difficulty accepting the passing of this older relative. You may have been closer to them than even a parent or other immediate family. They would have taught you things about life or had a great impact on you. You still think about them a lot. Likely, you had a lot in common or you may even carry similar traits to them in terms of hobbies or likes or ways of thinking, maybe even looks.

I don't know why lately it feels I'm getting messages from people who've passed as I'm not a medium, I don't see or hear dead people/pets unless they pop into my dreams, but there are times that the cards just scream it, so I've said it.

Now, what's your role? After glancing at the cards, your role is: lead actor. But, in a movie where the main character is heart broken or doing a lot of soul searching. Movies that come to mind: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, A Star is Born, 10 Things I Hate About You, Garden State, Truman Show, Breakfast at Tiffany's, etc... A little bit angsty and emo at times, sometimes you wander around lost and reflecting on life, looking for something to fill the void. Likely, this would be in another person.

Now, what the cards have to say - so Mentor and the door card both seem to be about gaining wisdom (at least the picture on the door card which you can't see is a gate that looks out into the mountains), and I read that as someone trying to climb some mountain to seek knowledge, right. Some of you may even be able to astral project or something because when you look at page of cups, it's like a part of them is ascending, as well - but we'll just slip this into someone rising higher in order to attain wisdom.

Oh, also I want to point out that when I was looking over these cards after I shuffled, two birds hit the windows downstairs and then I had a woodpecker peck at my window and look inside at me. I don't know what that means but it's a bit creepy. One of the birds that hit the window knocked itself out, so I went out there and sat by it in case anything tried to get it, debating on if I should bring it in or what, but eventually it flew off. How is it relevant? I don't know. But ... it's flying.

Teraz is a card about being in the now instead of focusing on past/future, but I was more drawn to the "acceptance" and even "awareness" but this had to do with that grief, and accepting loss. Granted, this could be accepting and being aware of anything (spiritual), as in simple spiritual awareness or... awareness of a spirit of an ancestor, maybe it'll come up again later.

Grand Trine - so this is that thing in your chart that might indicate being especially lucky or skilled in a certain area, but because you're naturally okay at this, you can get kind of lazy so you're asked to put in some effort. But, it can also indicate a "right time, right place" energy. It could also indicate relationships to people with whom you have something in common or even share a similar sun sign or moon sign, etc... but it's also just "blessings."

I know 7 of pentacles fell out first - and then 5 of pentacles and page of cups. For 7 of pentacles I'm drawn most to the meanings of... effort, patience, and "growing" something, but that just makes me think of growing in knowledge, but you grow in knowledge by doing the thing. Such as, you want to be a farmer, well... you're going to have to grow crops. You want to be an artist? You have to draw. You might feel at times that... you're not seeing payout for your efforts or for anything good to happen you have to put in a lot of work, that things don't come easy which is ironic given the grand trine here. But this may be about the lazy part... because five of pentacles is typically a lack in something and we have page of cups, so it's some sort of lack/void around love/emotions (is how I'm reading it, you can always come up with your own take). I feel some lonely energy in these cards... and that's maybe what's lacking, is someone who understand you on a deep level, so perhaps you're waiting for a partner to come to you or some of you are grieving someone that you've lost... and it could even be that you've been trying to manifest this relationship (or grieving) for a longer period of time, enough for all the roots in 7 of pentacles to become tangled. There's also this kind of winding branch in Teraz which would make me think they're connected... That would make me feel that in the present, you are possibly in the process of becoming more "aware" of something and working on "accepting" something, and are seeing some type of growth or progress - though it's not like HUGE, but it should be bubbling up at the surface here. However, the message is also to continue being patient and keep doing the work that you've already been doing - there is some type of knowledge you are gaining or growing currently during this period.

On page of cups - I'm drawn to the pig, which makes me think of "when pigs fly" which is a saying that means "it'll never happen" basically. So, you may have some doubts on whether whatever you're trying to manifest is going to happen, but... what I can say is, if there are any "things" getting in the way it would be a negative way of thinking, yeah, but... a lack of patience... and maybe a tendency to be lazy or fall back on what makes you feel comfortable?

In page of cups I see you desiring something, in five of pentacles I feel something negative surrounding your heart - like doubt or... not great human emotions, it can be envy or jealousy, sloth - I don't see this as financial, but with the pentacles, sure it could be trying to save up money to get something you want... I also see page of cups as this tiny sapling in 7 of pentacles, so... even if you don't see it with your eyes, there is something... growing for you... and imo, it has more to do with the "want" you've put out in the universe for it. The universe has HEARD what's in your heart, but... something isn't quite aligned, as in perhaps you aren't putting in your part (the effort). You'd have to investigate what you feel you see in the 5 of pentacles because your heart wants to go "up heeeeeere" but your brain or something else is keeping you in 5 of pentacles. Maybe it's frustration with the process or yourself... maybe that "now" stuff is because you aren't appreciating what you have at present or I should say you aren't appreciating the progress you've made because it's "too small" compared to the effort you've put in (if you have).

Also, this five of pentacles having a key and a keyhole, it's like okay if you just unlock the door, there may be something behind it that can help you? Which draws me back tot he "knowledge"... so it's like also what is in your way or is a next step seems to be attaining some type of wisdom. That's pretty vague, so apply it how you need to... it could be literal knowledge like some type of skill to get what you want, it could be some type of emotional or spiritual or philosophical knowledge you need to acquire. Usually something like that is: BELIEVE IN yOUrSeLf... there is some insecurity here, too. Maybe you feel like you can't do it as well as someone, but it feels like - okay so your grandparent made clothes and they were so stylish and amazing because your grandma was coco chanel. and then it's in your blood so you want to design clothes, but you're like - i'll never be grandma chanel so why bother even though i used to hang out in her workroom and i have the knowhow but I'll never be as gooooood.

So it's like well first of all you have that kind of blessing to even have that experience, but perhaps as you grew up because some things were easily available to you compared to someone who grows up on the street and creates their own fashion from thrift shops... so you kind of slag off in some areas... like there's a piece of your brain or experience you're missing due to your circumstances. Because you were blessed in one way... and so you never really had to try or work for it or feel pushed to do something... so there's this... lack of ambition... but the ambition is also connected to self-motivation... so it's like you WANT to be FAMOUUUUUUUUS and think you can do that because you have a pretty face, so you'll just be a model, no problem. But, your face only gets you so far. "Spoiled" is what I hear... maybe someone in the family spoiled you and you didn't learn some important life lesson you need to push through to the highest level.

There's not much to say about those of you calling in a partner either... there are notes of that in the distant kiss card which says "i wish of all wishes that you were here through sunlight and rain i need you near" this is interesting, too, with the 7 of pentacles... so it's needing someone to be there to comfort you, good or bad times, and whatnot... and then there's a loneliness without that person... and then trying to call them in with page of cups... there are all kinds of ways to interpret this for relationships... i tend to leave out established couples bc i'm perpetually single but say if you were in a relationship and we turned this into a love reading... well... it reads more like people who'd be putting effort into... well get through a rough patch, sorry I can't see much positive in these tarot cards with this five of pentacles... I guess you could go oh well I've moved past that five of pentacles stage with the help of my partner and we've grown - nah cuz page of cups is like more the start of a relationship so... if you were just starting a relationship but... or even if you were wanting to get with someone, the five of pentacles has a closed door with a key... there's feelings, but someone has a door closed... and it's going to take patience and effort to get the door to open.

I guess another component is... maturity is needed here, like the maturity that comes from life experience. That may be lacking for this lead character... their mind doesn't seem to be in the now, focusing on what they have, but seems to focus on what they don't have, and what they don't have could be love... or this thing they desire related to... some heart-centered desire. I keep getting a kid pouting because they aren't being handed what they want... or they just don't have access to what they want. Like, they feel locked out.

But, if you use your own hand and put in the effort, you WILL see results IF it's something you want/desire to have. The tarot have... like a very basic story plot for you... I don't find them particularly deep?

They're like "you have something you desire, you don't have the thing you desire, you're waiting for the thing you desire to appear... you may be or need to put effort into getting the thing you desire... the kind of effort you have to put in may take patience to grow"

Now, what the oracles add onto it are - don't be lazy and assume it's going to fall in your lap, abundance IS out there for you and maybe luck will be on your side at some point, that some of you are wanting a person - romantically or... spiritually.

More than anything, though - I do feel this heavy grief of missing an older loved one... that there's probably been... years since their passing but it still has an effect on you... and I guess not to be morbid, but... a couple of you who have lost someone, the grief has been so strong you've had (*TW*) thoughts about "joining them" - or just... very depressive types of thoughts. And to that, I would say - there's too much love in the cards from this person for them to ever be happy if you were thinking you want to be with them again or something - that's not what they want. They would rather see you grow old and share the things you've learned in life to help others and to also consider your blessings that you do have…

I think there's some type of awareness in your life they want you to have NOW and that awareness is ... self awareness... around a way of thinking... like somehow a way you are thinking isn't... in alignment, is the nicest way for me to put it. Your brain is either in the past or future, but it's not just enjoying now - like this mentor card where the older person and child are talking or reading a story - they're doing something joyful together and enjoying the moment... even in 7 of pentacles, it's like this person is enjoying what they're growing or doing or working on by themselves... also in 7 of pentacles with the roots connecting to these circles plus the mentor card - there is potential to... have your talent or ability or experience connect with others... it could be that you are in a position to mentor and share your knowledge with others at some point but in particular I think it'd be a creative expression of some sort in which you share painful experiences... maybe you write a story about grief or a song about losing someone or how sad life is, idfk... as for the numbers, there's 5, 7, 10... those are pretty tough... 5 is conflict/change... 7 some people see this as a spiritual number... when you look at the tarot 7's i mean I guess you have chariot, 7 of wands, 7 of swords, 7 of cups, 7 of pentacles... that's defensive/standing your ground/under attack; lying or deceit; lack of clarity or indecisiveness; waiting a long time

So - for me - those indicate lessons? Or... things that are hidden. 10 is, ofc, about cycles completing…

Put it together and it's something like... life lessons that you had to learn regarding hard change/conflict and certainly those types of lessons can come through ... grief or loss... or maybe even constant... unexpected... bad luck or trauma or something... which is just weird to me because of blessings... it's almost like if there's someone who's blessed but who also has really bad luck? this sort of reminds me of Jimin but maybe Taehyung is like that too in some way - where obviously they have fame, but Jimin just seems... unlucky, plus he was born on the 13th so... I don't really see Taehyung as having a "limit" on him in some way that he has to fight through but maybe he feels that way... maybe this is a "chip on the shoulder" vibe about something. BUT when I see the triangle in grand trine... it's like okay maybe it has nothing to do with effort and everything to do with timing and you can try all you want but if the timing isn't right it's not coming bc jesus christ you have to create this perfect equal triangle where everything connects and is in harmony - so if it were a person, well the timing has to be right BUT they will be perfect for you. the job is perfect for you BUTTTTT it's about timing... and the timing can only come after whatever knowledge you gain happens... i don't know what that means probs cuz only the universe knows but likely it's some sort of life lesson and then once you learn it, the thing comes in *shrug* - timing, who knows... pentacles indicate years... I won't say it'll take 12 years but the point is what you want will take years, it's not going to happen over night. maybe a specific timing is 5-7 years for some while for others it's 5-7 months or weeks. it may also be a time where like three planets are in the same sign like sun in cap, moon in cap, whatever in cap... it could be that other aspects of your life come together at the same time to create the "points" as in well first you have to get a degree, then you get a job and then you meet a partner. but they would all kind of happen at the same time i guess.... or it's just that things have to line up first but to me it looks more like it.... all magically connects at once or looks like it does when reallllly you had to 7 of pentacles to get there and it wasn't magic - it was like... the product of your effort?? i guess what i'm seeing is instead of a triangle, there's a line with three dots an dots and it's all on the same spectrum but from your pov you see it as 3D when it's like 1D (not the band). i guess i could phrase it like - when it all happens at once you'll be like woaaaaaaaaaah maaaaaaaaaagic. but like... it's actually not because they were all sitting right there in a nest waiting for you to take them. literally just sitting at the top of a mountain in one place but you had to climb up to the mountain first? and to get to the mountain you had to take a donkey and before that a plane and a bus and a car... so it feeeeeeeeeeels long but like they were just sitting up here on top of the mountain not going anywhere. but to get there YOU had to do all the work? i'm sure you get it by now.

maybe you're just making it harder on yourself than it needs to be and overthinking things... when maybe the solution will end up being simpler than you think... or at least when you get the result... so.

ok that's pretty long so let's stop there. maybe it's like life of pi except i don't really remember that movie too well... and then there's a twist... but when you think about the people in the movies i mentioned, a lot of them are pretty emo but really they just had too much time on their hands and a fair amount of privilege that they were even able to worry about things like - what is liiiiiife. like, philosophical and spiritual worries are still a privilege. it means you don't have to think every day about just surviving. you have the privilege to reflect on spiritual lack and quandaries and - well that's a whole other conversation i think about a lot. it's a privilege to be on social media and do nothing but complain about everything.

on that note - don't feel so discouraged... a lot of it is about timing and a lot of it might be in your head... and if you don't know how to do something or how to get what you want... there's some level of knowledge you need to discover first before what you desire will... be found. but my feel is if you just looked at the door in five of pentacles instead of ... lying there on the floor crying, you might... actually find what you need right behind it???? like it was there the whole time, dorothy? good chats.

p.s. i realized the forsythia leviosa was hidden under my laptop as i was typing but i guess i just connected it to the "spirit" aspect... until i looked at the damn bird at the bottom that looks weirdly like the woodpecker that peeked in my window - so idk maybe birds are relevant to someone somehow or flying/rising

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Pile 2

You might've been drawn to pile 1 because there is one small thing that they have in common, which may have to do with... certain things happening at the right time and place. As in serendipity. Because four of pentacles has this waiting period or pause while something builds up and then 9 of pentacles is like that... financial independence vibe.

In terms of your role in the movie process... I see you more as a producer or producer/director - there's a lot of cards to indicate someone good at saving money or holding onto money, building up money and then using their intellect to do that. And that's more of a producer's role, keeping on top of the spending or providing money and being able to see the big picture. That's why I also can see a producer-director type because with the king of swords, I'd also imagine someone who has a vision... but is very practical... and would be good at executing that vision. So, enjoy that role.

In Once in a lifetime, I also see the serendipity stuff, but I see this as you being in a role that brings other people together - I did see this in pile 1 with the seven of pentacles and all those "seeds" being connected but here it's more like... you have the ability to bring these planets into alignment, which falls under your role rather nicely.

Of course this card also goes well with destiny. Which we don't need to read too much into that other than this pile is capable of great things or has some particular purpose for bringing something/people together or it can solely be about things having to come into alignment for certain events in your life to happen (big ones I mean).

Pluto - transformation; well, don't need to get too deep with that either, we're looking at the transformative properties of pluto/scorpio. It also reminds me of the 11th/12th month and these are 11/12 cards or 2/3... you could read this as being okay well... some type of major transformation in life is part of your destiny. Well what does that mean? All kinds of things. Moving, getting a job, finding a partner, having kids, projects... i can only say it's a major event that also feels serendipitous. It'll be different for different people.

Estafania and forgive and forget obviously seem similar. This... was similar in pile 1, as well - this process of something needing to be released before you can grow... the forgive and forget says "a ritual cleansing of pain and lies; arise and awaken, see a new sunrise."

so the sunrise fits with that once in a lifetime, we're seeing a planetary/universe/spiritual moment once we let go of something toxic like... fear or anger or doubt, whatever... it's a pretty common transformative process - when we let go of what we no longer need, we transform into a higher level of ourselves *shrug* not that deep lol, pretty standard which is why it appears in readings ALLLLLLLLL THE TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMEEEEEEEEEEEE.

the messiah card though certainly we can fall intot he shadow aspect of it of having some type of god complex, the lighter part is serving humanity with humility - which might clue us in to what needs to be released (issues of ego - possibly even like overconfidence or self righteousness, control issues, etc...); but it does seem like that your purpose could lie in serving humanity in some way. and doing so with humility - so... that's kind of hard to think about bc we do need money to survive, but... and also when you look at the messiah card it also has all of these planets lining up so let me peek at the guidebook. well that was mostly negative lol so yeah it mentions people with god complexes or martyr complexes, feeling like god sent you for a purpose to save others. perhaps this is something you do or something others do to you (religious families/partners) and such...

there's not a lot in the tarot for me to feel that... is really a root issue bc there's nothing in the tarot to indicate anything negative. except four of pentacles which can be seen as... clinging to something... or being stingy or greedy but that's more if the card was reversed. i'm feeling more of a 7 of pentacles vibe from the four of p...

unlike pile 1 which... kinda seemed... like lost and lazy in terms of ... meeting an objective, i see pile 1 as someone with a plan... and like... is the one bringing things together? i think pile 1 is more the type to just get lucky and things happen to line up sorta based on their choices. but i see pile 2 as... being the ones to put together the plan and have more control over what they accomplish? like a person who makes their own dreams happen? it's very - earth sign feelz... i mean but there is some air here, too... so it's like bringing ideas to life. if you had an idea for a business you'd also have the means to draw up a business plan and run it and make money and organize some system. it could be that you are a person who... has those skills but uses it for a good cause. like say you come up with a plan to build a youth center... i guess this is the evolved pile 1... i feel like you've already let go of the negative stuff and are in the process of building this thing whereas pile 1 still needed to let go of something...

there might need to at some point in life for you to experience a breakthrough? i don't know what that will be but i see it more as... a level? like umm... getting this degree. as opposed to... some type of spiritual breakthrough... where someone has to build confidence in themselves... i mean that may be a thing but your breakthrough feels more like a phase or stage of life in which you have to do something physical... get a license, degree, get a loan... there's some type of plan that has to come together but it's a physical plan.

there is still this message of forgiving and forgetting or releasing some type of pain or betrayal though but it feels like a sidenote; however, i'll try to read it in a way that this isn't just a ... business journey here or career or studies... but something spiritual and you all just happen to have a lot of earthy vibes...

so spiritually there is some step that involves releasing pain/betrayal/lies - whether you need to forgive someone or yourself... some type of negative feeling you feel tied to that's preventing a new phase? idk or it's just happening right now as a sidenote and literally there's someone you're having conflict with and you need to move past it.

transformation/destiny could be something bigger and better is waiting for you as you keep evolving spiritually in life... it could be that the event that transforms you is destiny or it's your destiny to help others spiritually evolve, etc... which fits in with messiah. it being pluto could also be about hidden things in the subconscious you might need to let go of or work on... since pluto is kind of a sexual nature, too, perhaps there are sexual issues idk. pluto for me is also behind the judgment card, which is like an "awakening"... so in that regard there's some type of spiritual awakening that's part of your destiny... and then once in a lifetime is like.... you ... and other people... making the planets line up... but at the same time, it's also like... produces something miraculous? like together all your efforts also create something once in a lifetime? but you also caused it??

but maybe you didn't realize it was going to be as big of a deal as you thought. so like if you produced/directed a movie and then it grossed 10x more than you expected and won about 20 oscars.

so let's get back to the tarot in regard to spiritual stuff:

four of pentacles; queen of pentacles; king of swords; 9 of pentacles. this is someone very savvy-minded and business-minded... so good with money or maybe not as 9 of pentacles can be about indulgence, like buying luxury items and such but maybe you have the money to do so at the end of your... big hit. it's almost like someone holding onto money and building it up to a certain point and then it... earns a profit. like i guess you could compare it to investing in stocks and letting it sit for a period but you invested wisely and then - in the end - you end up making a lot of money.

spiritually right... sidetracked cuz money's more interesting lol

j/k

i often see four of pentacles as someone conserving their energy or protecting it... but with the 9 of p here which is also about... doing work on the self, self care, independence...

it would be someone who as a person is... pretty gentle by nature... very intellectual, practical even... i feel like you have strong boundaries... you have ideas about things, but... you don't attack anyone with them... you're more focused on the self than worried about other people... i kind of feel like you mostly mind your own business... it could also be as simple as... someone who's started working at a good job and... they're saving up for something...

these court cards could be other people as well... if one person is the queen and the partner is a king of swords so if you have some earth-air relationship... these could be parents, as well... like if say your mom was a banker or accountant and your dad was a lawyer/doctor... and they've encouraged you to be financially independent but save up... it could be the opposite and these people have seen you spend a lot lately but they urge you to save money? that's so specific but... court cards are weird.

here's another thing and maybe the transformation is ... going from four of p to 9 of p or queen of p to king of swords - as these are opposite energies in a way especially the conservativeness of 4 of pentacles to the freedom of 9 of pentacles... and queen of pentacles is great but she's in her safe little garden surrounded by her home while king of p is out in the mountains, learning through adventure...

it might be that these are your extremes in life or... in life your transformation will include being rather conservative in nature to... expanding into something that's more... free in terms of how you think about things... or even... the amount of control you need to have. this four of p could be about... protecting yourself after some lies/betrayal stuff... and guarding your energy... but once you release it, you'd move more into this 9 of pentacles/king of swords energy *shrug* however on their own both of these court cards... are very wise - about different things... so they're both strong people.

but i guess it's like one is hermione granger and the other is... i dunno, katniss. bc i couldn't think of a really interesting and free thinking character who's also really innovative and can think on their feet. one is pretty rooted in a certain way of thinking, the other may be more flexible (mentally) in how they deal/perceive stuff... i don't see one as being better than the other but maybe the message is to be... a good combination of both as opposed to one or the other... since transformation is here tho it seems more likely... someone's energy will shift from... something closed off to... something open...

but this could also read as a couple who comes together and both are like that - yet as a couple, they balance out. one spends a lot, one saves... "saves" well that fits in with messiah that'd be cheeky of that four of p to mean saves that way hmph well if that were the case it'd be like... saving others by... helping them/teaching them to... gain their own independence and self expression, self worth... through - again - some type of business thing... or... it could be a situation where you... give out scholarships for people to pursue their passions like... giving a scholarship to the arts... so some of you may have a philanthropic calling in life to... help people out in learning something physical but also like increasing their self worth and confidence... it's got a real "mentor" type of vibe which is interesting bc pile 1 got the mentor card... but this may be the god complex thing of saving everyone and anyone idk maybe you do have a habit of trying to save or fix people... bc of... you didn't have this either when you were young and you earned it or built up some career... and so you want to give others what you didn't have and what they don't have... and that gives you some type of "control" over your past stuff - but anywho.

we don't need to go that deep...........

in terms of the future, i just see you as being largely successful in terms of making money or building a career... a pile for lawyers, doctors, bankers, accountants, professors... very accomplished people in the... "societal" label of success... an intellectual... maybe a bit snooty or a superiority complex but... idk... if you earned it and stuff... however the "humility" word came up so maybe that's a thing you need to keep in check, is staying humble and doing things for the good of it instead of it being a list of qualities you can brag about... i didn't tell you about this but anecdote: i went to a party a couple of weeks ago at a house owned by some pretty rich folks. they happened to own some businesses in town where i work at one of them on occasion as does my mom so... we went for the christmas party. i went for the good. there were a lot of... kinda snooty real estate people... and... tbh the rich people were welcoming but... really... weird and scary and clearly live in their own world... that just made me uncomfortable af bc it's "old" money and by old money i mean to the mid or late 1900s idk, the patriarch was a ceo of a big international company... and his son was there who now runs some of the smaller companies and he was weird af. like totally full of himself to the point that he just was not connected to real reality?

i'm not saying that's you but sometimes a certain level of material success and accomplishments can narrow the mind of people until there's a complete disconnect from the simplest aspects of life. maybe that's me being judgmental - but... i know i felt uncomfortable. i know i got a vibe from certain folks. i've also had personal experiences with rich people that were abusive, so -

point being that if god complex is coming up... like wow you're a doctor, but... idk... don't become a dick. although when you think about it i'd rather have a narcissistic doctor bc then they don't get emotional, they get so clinical and then they won't fuck up your surgery. but that's surgeons, not doctors... ?? as in like specialists.

ok i digressed. i'm getting tired. my bad.

maybe the message is - don't forget where you came from/where you started

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Pile 3

Someone was just asking about a collective reading, which I've never done, but as long as I've done PACs, I've noticed similarities within piles at particular times where a similar message may run throughout everything. And so far, there is that, and what's weird is 1, 2, 3 - when this happens it's like 2 and 3 are the more evolved versions of 1. Like as in stages. Because the other two piles talk about... letting go of any kind of negative or "lack" thinking around what's possible, there may also be a sense of bringing aspects of ourselves into balance, there's also a lot of scorpio energy coming up and the idea of providing some type of service to people, destiny, etc... oh and attaining some type of knowledge in order to do this stuff, lol.

[future me after your long-ass reading: What's your role? Well, after you read all this, you will find I ultimately placed you as screenwriter or storyboard person - or whomever does a lot of that research before a series starts? Like really developing the lore or philosophy of a series, piecing it together and having deep knowledge of its lore]

Even in this pile there's a mix of transformation and thinking (deeply). We have some virgo and scorpio, the previous pile had that going within to learn some inner lesson and then... there's freedom in what you learn, as well as knowledge and through that process, you end up being able to serve others (the collective?). Which yeah it sounds vague and general because that's sort of the spiritual community's woowoo speech they give and I'm not really a drink the koolaid and accept it person; objectively, i can just tell you the cards do repeat this process often - so in theory it reads something like... something is a catalyst that leads us to go inward and explore inward-like stuff, through this we attain some type of inner knowledge, then when we share the knowledge we learned through this spiritual process with others, it's also part of like our path/destiny - so i would guess that this universe-cult out there is trying to brainwash us all into thinking a certain way and then brainwashing others with this message for some purpose. i said that pretty cynically but again... okay let's be theoretical here - why... like... is it that we as humans will start evolving more through... like intellectual processes or a combination of intellectual and spiritual. i think i read somewhere that the next stage of evolution well not next stage but down the line, we'd learn esp as we as a collective begin like... idk i know i'm butchering this and some light worker out there somewhere could say it better - and i don't get downloads or anything i just read cards ok... but let's say that as we all start focusing our thoughts on one thing or thinking in a certain way, just being more open to extrasensory stuff - eveeeeeeeeeentually down the line we can somehow connect via... our brains or... vibes or feelings... because we've taught ourselves to be more open to it? i mean it could also just be a spiritual blueprint of how to evolve your soul into its highest form... could it have religious undertones, too? of like... a god being out there and directing a certain type of path to the end of times? i mean what's the difference. but the bottom line is... people experience some type of fall... or tower moment... it leads them into spirituality... they become more open to all those philosophies... then they engage in... disseminating that information or philosophy...

oh well does it really matter what it all means? idk. i'm just saying bc that stuff is all over this pile's cards... but let's actually talk about... the cards >.> oh and what role you play

well i feel like ... maybe a lot of people will pick this pile which is why it has the most cards. i also wondered if maybe if it was for one person it's like... prequel and a sequel... because two cards kept falling out from each deck, very annoying, so i almost took it as two separate readings were happening but not necessarily knowing which go where except i can tell you seven of cups and page of swords came out together and that reads very simply like "clarity on a decision" 7 of cups is having... lots of choices or a lack of clarity, page of swords is... finding your way out of that haze... especially by... learning something, being curious about how something works, having an epiphany or even some type of info/communication you receive makes things more clear. the other tarot pair is hermit and 8 of wands... these two together always make me think of the concept of receiving downloads bc it's like okay you go within like a hermit and then you're hit with this huge amount of fast moving info... so you can see how those pair of cards parallel each other as... the general meaning here is... someone being hit with information that would make things very clear and would also up some level of knowledge. especially with the hermit, that's usually when you'd go within and isolate to sort of... be introspective and think about life, but it also indicates studying and learning... especially someone ... studying information/communication. reading things online, spiritual activity online... things that you're learning or reading are making "something" more clear for you.

but let's talk about the oracles and try to sus out if they go together or separate stories or are just repeating each other. we have tipping the scales which makes me think of the justice card or even six of pentacles... but ... balance, social justice, equality.

we have deeper which... basically is the hermit card... but it fits with 7 of cups and page of s to me too... like this person even looks like they're building sandcastles and it says dig... so you're digging deeper into something regarding information. the 1111 card annoys me since i got double cards literally but... synchronicities being important here... hmm i can tell you the other side is a wooden door with an arch shape at the top... it looks like it could be a church door but it's really rustic... so really it reminds me of... skyrim and ... that sort of... norse door that leads into the jarl's place? or ... game of thrones door to a castle or something idk... that it's wood can mean humility... simplicity... nature... and also there's like two doors within the door as if you could open each and maybe go through to the same place. so... idk how to interpret this for you... if it's a two of wands scenario and you have... a crossroad you come to and have to choose? if it's... something super weird about parallel lives... if it's related to gemini stuff... but what's interesting in the door pic that you can't even see is that if you went in either door you still end up in this church so it's like maybe you struggle with choices - however the universe is saying well no matter your choice you're going to end up in the same place, which is where you're meant to be *shrug*

we have the fledgling card where someone is falling into a hole... and fledgling's being like baby birds trying to fly and take off... when i look at that card i have a sense of being overwhelmed... it's also someone who's trying to fly when they're a human, not a bird. and i had so many issues with birds when i flipped everyone's cards out today. hitting windows, pecking on my window sill... bizarre behavior.

it also gives a sense of being... like out of your element.

then we have i transform/scorpio and i analyze/virgo. those placements may mean something to you but... this is again another message that's clearly like... going within to think about something and then transforming right... ofc we transform when we learn something new... because once we learn something - we're never the same again? like let's say you learn an awful secret about your family, like someone lied about a big thing... you can never go back to before you knew that. now you know that and... things change based off that, it's never the same, that change makes you evolve for good or bad. that's a heavy negative example... obviously you can get into spirituality and evolve - we all know what i mean, so... lots of things we do and think change as we progress into spirituality... also it's just... humanity. ignorant people won't change or transform but when they LEARN something, they can't go back to being ignorant. racism, discrimination - a lot of that comes from a fear or lack of knowledge about whatever they hate bc they don't understand or have no experience with whatever that is... i think that's why i just can't even vibe with ignorant people no matter who they are or if they're "nice" on the surface. there's always something about them i'm just like "what a waste" and the thing is you know... some people aren't given opportunities to learn. i'm not saying that's an excuse, but let's say a kid has a racist parent and they start repeating what the parent says with zero actual understanding of what it means... or people who only stay in one town for their whole life and never know what it's like in a big city or another country or continent... once we take in information, we transform... and maybe that's on an even bigger scale than we realize and our cells also have some knowledge of what we learn on some level and that's why the "universe" wants us to attain more knowledge bc actually knowledge and info gathering is part of the process of actual evolution as well as spiritual evolution, etc... idk yo i'm just theorizing.

weird i brought up secrets bc we have conscia with "secrets, confessions, confidante" this also makes me think of scorpio as well... but the idea of the hidden... subconscious... unconscious... let's not get too jung-ian... this makes me feel like something hidden to you... something unconscious - now it may be a literal thing in your life like some secret is revealed to you and that's your tower moment but overall i see this as knowledge that was hidden to you is... attained... it also says she who whispers so there's a lot of emphasis on this pile about "communication" and i am drawn to the idea of gemini so... gemini placements and gemini planetary whatever alignments or third house stuff may be relevant. weirder if someone has gemini virgo scorpio placements. or like virgo or scorpio in third house or gemini in 5th or 8th house??? idk

and samaritan came out on its own... which made me feel weird but i got servant anyway and both are about providing service out of the good of your heart - which pile 2 got as well and pile 1 had mentor... so every pile had something that signified... "service" to community or even being a leader-type.... and usually that means that... you can also help other people transform spiritually by passing along your spiritual-cult message just like i do when i do these pacs. omg i'm part of a cullllllllllllllllllllllltttttttttttttttt. i mean. is it really cultier than the sns fandom hahaaaaaaaaa or bts >.> <.< the fandom, not the group. the group isn't a cult. pretty sure.

back to those virgo and scorpio cards, they also literally translate to... i analyze (death) bc of the images on the scorpio card having a sarcophagus. did i spell that right. go me. but i just see that as having an interest or studying the occult... death... spirituality... *shrug* so yeah thanks cards for pointing out the obvious that we're all here studying and learning about spirituality and death >.> *slow clap*

i feel like this pile looks like the universe vomited out a bunch of cards, so let's try to consolidate to give something maybe more... specific and coherent...

we know we have service here. we're a pile that's... helping people in need or providing service to them. it's clearly the most spiritual pile as is typical of pile 3's, plus the image itself was spiritual since it's from season greetings and it's taehyung being a tarot reader *shrug*

let's see the fledgling card as someone going down a rabbit hole such as... spirituality... and then you enter that and go deeper and keep learning more and more and there are synchronicities and such bc we all see that the further we get into it... it's weird conscia looks like taehyung in that outfit a bit... i guess i see this card also as... someone who can reveal things that are unknown or someone... having secrets revealed to them which ... fits with the tarot. and then tipping the scales feels more to me about leaning more into one thing right... tipping isn't balance it means one's heavier than the other so it's... being swayed or convinced into something... and surrounded by water could mean... emotions or subconscious... so just... traveling through deeper layers... lots of virgo-scorpio energy here for sure... and then we'll talk about the tarot. in this deck, the 7 of cups is a guy looking at some cups on a beach and there seem to be surprises under each cup that are good and bad and he doesn't know which to choose... but it looks like he's reaching for the one with the water coming out of it... so that just leads us back to emotions or subconscious - that aside, the general feeling is... this is someone who didn't have direction or has to make a choice based on intuition just like we do when picking a pile. in that respect, like - our choices or intuition end up leading us... where we end up, but... if there are greater powers at be who... give us little signals we don't even realize they can certainly "influence" us on which cup to choose... so is that free will? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. good question. didn't jk talk about this in his drunk live? watch that.

with the rest of the cards it feels like so someone "thinks" they made their own choice but they were probably pushed into it by invisible external forces manipulating you from spiritual realms >.> <.<

and that's also possibly the 8 of wands... it's like CHOOSE THIS CUP RIGHT NOW... but this also kind of represents... communication, especially online information... either way... there's a lack of clarity in the seven of cups and then there's this pow of communication or knowledge or ideas in the form of 8 of wands... this may be the spark of interest in spirituality too... a spark to start learning... and so page of swords is someone who then gives into that curiosity and wants more knowledge on the subject, hermit is someone who studies something spiritually or internally or represents literal learning (like college) or... virgos... a literal dumbed down translation is... someone reflecting on what they want to study... having to choose certain online classes at present, which they want to study... what majors they want to study... but really it's about not having clarity on some "subject/topic/thing"... and then ... having the urge to learn about or specifically learning about this topic online probably or... gaining that information through... reading about it or hearing about it or being taught it, etc... overall this just reads like people here are light workers who've engaged in learning about spirituality, who share what they learn and mostly seem to want to help others in a very natural way of simply... being in alignment... like... spirituality when it's... good is... genuinely wanting to help people... not everyone in the community is going to be a good person, mmkay. that's a sad reality... but a lot of people ARE - i mean it's the same as how i view religious people. some religious people are fucking god awful but some are religious bc they believe in those values - like the ones that are just ... be good to people, care about each other... clearly a lot of religious people... don't subscribe to that and pick and choose what they want to apply and skip the basic "don't be a douche" aspect.

same with spiritual folks. they pretend to spread the word and then act like a dickmunch behind the curtains... i'm not saying spiritual or religious people have to be perfect, i mean like... legit doing awful things or having this perspective on spirituality that they're better than others or everyone's against them or... you have to follow THEIR narrative. that's the BIGGEST RED FLAG. if someone is like THIS IS HOW IT IS AND IF YOU DISAGREE BYE - like this blog... like other blogs i would be drawn to if i was ever actually drawn to any on here which i'm not - is think for yourself. i have no answers. i just share what i feel and always leave it open for you to interpret or resonate with or not or follow or not... like i have no control over you and you can come and go as you please. the only thing i put my foot down with is... bad attitude or personality or negativity or abuse of spiritual gifts or abilities... and that's also my own philosophy on what's abuse or negative... there are some things i've read on blogs on here that just... totally disgust me as a reader and i don't get it and yet they have decent followings??? it's like um... don't you see what they're doing??? don't you think that's shady???

but it's up to everyone's own discernment to decide this stuff, i can't force it on other people, i can only curate my own space and protect my energy how's best for me bc well that's just how it works although ideally i would like to help or assist people bc it's the right thing to do. although "right" is subjective... *shrug* idk, if someone falls on the sidewalk, do you walk past or laugh or do you go up to them and ask if they're ok or need help? if a random person messages you online and needs to vent or needs advice, do you listen to them and give them that time? and what makes that "right"... ? idk.

i've had this argument with myself and had to set boundaries on how much i do for others. or sometimes i do help others even tho i'm thinking this is going to bite me in the ass...

tbh in the long run i don't think that being nice or doing the right thing is easy or even rewarding; frankly, i think it's the opposite. so ofc when something is harder to do, less people are going to do it bc a lot of people are lazy and ignorant and selfish. so why would they? what's in it for them? and you know - that's a valid point. why do a thing when there's nothing in it for you? is it logical? no. then why does something inside of us even in the face of that push us to do it anyway. what makes it feel "right" to do so. what is that.

*shrug*

maybe that's what the cards meant by deeper and analyze - it forced me to philosophize on spirituality. I WAS MANIPULATED BY THE UNIVERSE TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS FOR UNKNOWN REASONS. damn it universe. universe 1, me 0. well i can take my control back by ending it here and ... thinking about who you'd be in a movie role even if it doesn't really fit like the other two piles did...

I'd think you'd have to be someone in the creative process... like the writer... or someone who has to do all that research to get stuff organized but... the writer does that... you take something that has no shape or clarity, do research, have to do some deep thinking about the ideas... it's communicated... yeah... you're the... screenwriter? Or... what's that other job too... the story boarding person??? yeah. that. i'll add that to the top here.......... good chats. felt like a fucking philosophy class. yuck. gross. who am i, namjoon??

p.s. speaking of synchronicities - for the record, i took the pic of your cards at 10:01 and when i finished your pile, it was 12:21. >.>

[tiredfoxtf]

Collison Theory (for the fic name)

TW: description of injuries, blood, train crush;

Character(s): Stagedduo/Drunz: Dream and Punz;

Modern setting;

Collision theory states that when reactant particles collide with each other in the right direction, only a certain number of collisions will create noticeable changes.

We can say that all the people in our lives have given it considerable attention. This is nothing more than wishful thinking.

In truth, life in this respect is little different from a chemical reaction. Only a few "collisions" in our lives actually show a tangible result. Who are these people? Passers-by, passengers of the same train, acquaintances, friends, family? People you have never met directly, can they have this impact on your life?

It could be anyone. And the most exciting thing is that you never know about it before it happens. Who will be the person who will change your life.

The light from the dim lamps of the subway car flickered, now taking away into the void, then returning back to chaos. No, it's not light. This is Dream's consciousness itself. He closed and opened his eyes, and everything changed, as if in time-lapse photography. Even though he knew that the train was no longer moving, the world was shaking like an earthquake. Damn, it's a concussion, if Clay survives, Nick will kill him. 

The last thing the man remembers before losing consciousness is the abrupt stop of the train and a sudden blow from the side. He had already woken up among the rubble, screaming, panic, crying and blood. A lot of blood. Is it his blood? No, not everything. Shit. He has to get up and help, which is what he still attends medical school for, after all. But when he tries to get up, he hisses in pain as the world spins, skinned palms grounded him. He must help himself first.

He tore the shirt he was wearing and did his best to wrap his palms. It turned out sloppy, but it is what it is, thanks for that. Clay examined his body for other injuries, starting with his head. Apparently today was his lucky day, as there were no other open wounds and not a single bone was broken. However, he still hit his head hard. He was afraid that he would lose his balance in a second if he stood up. 

But that can wait. Dream heard a man who looked a little older than him groan in the shards of glass and concrete to his right. With a metal bar in his right shoulder. He was only a couple of meters from Dream himself, so it was not difficult for him to crawl to the victim.

“Hey, are you conscious? I need an answer,” Clay spoke, examining the stranger's body for other external wounds. The answer was one open blue eye and another groan. “Can you speak?”

“Yes,” the answer came out quiet, mixed with heavy breathing. Clay went into a sort of trance, as even such a quiet response caused his ears to ring for a second. The man's blond hair was stained with blood and stuck together. Dream found the strength to ignore his head ringing with pain.

“I'm a doctor,” Dream omitted the fact that he was just a student, it didn't matter, he could provide first aid, “You have an open wound in your shoulder, you lose a lot of blood. I'll lift you up, try not to move.”

The other man nodded and Clay made an attempt to lift his torso. Damn, he's pretty heavy. The wounded bit his lower lip and narrowed his eyes, but did not make the slightest movement, as requested. The second time Dream managed to get him off the metal bar, great, one less problem.

“I need you to stay conscious,”  Dream took off the no longer white sweatshirt from the man and tore off another piece (longer than the previous ones) from his shirt, ”What is your name, what day is it today”

“Luke. Today is Tuesday, September 8th, 2020, ouch” male- Luke writhed in pain again as Clay proceeded to bandage his shoulder.

“Sorry,” Clay slightly loosened his grip on his shoulder, “I'm Clay. Does it hurt anywhere else?”

“I would say “nice to meet you”, but this meeting can hardly be called pleasant,” the wounded man chuckled, “The right leg is definitely broken, and I hit my head hard”.

“Yes, it’s definitely not pleasant enough,” Dream grinned in response and finished the bandage, tightening the knot as tight as possible. 

Luke was right, his right shin was swollen and reddened, when asked to move it, it emits a characteristic “crunch” and, according to Luke himself, “Hurts like fucking hell”. Clay put a makeshift splint on his leg, tearing up the remains of his shirt. Luke showed no signs of a concussion, which was already good. But they couldn't go anywhere on their own. Not with Clay's concussion and Luke's broken leg.

Instead, Dream picked up his bag and Luke's backpack and returned to position next to the wounded man. 911 have already been called and are currently clearing the rubble that blocked access to the train, they found out thanks to Luke's working phone. While waiting, they talked.

It turned out that they have a lot in common, in addition to the blond shade of hair. They talked about video games, about Minecraft, to be more precise, about how their Internet names are forever attached to them, about school and university, about sports and personal life. 

Dream told Punz about his roommate, Sapnap, about their mutual Internet friend George, who lives in London, about his cat, Patches. In return, Luke talked about Foolish and his little obsession with sharks, about the teenager Purpled, who is like a little brother to Punz, and about his dog, Teddy, whom he left in Massachusetts with his parents. 

Dream was amazed at how easy their conversation was. He had many friends, at school, university, on the Internet, but something like this, when you barely know each other, but as if you had known each other for many years, happened only a few times in his life.

And every time it changed his life.

Such successful changes are called successful collisions.

[sn0tcl0wn]

honestly so glad i rarely delete rants and personal posts even when they're breakdowns. i realized the other day i actually have actual proof of abuse because i was literally liveblogging shit like being held in captive. i love the way modern technology allows me to keep record of my breakdowns. it's embarrassing at first but then you realize that is honest to god evidence with actual dates stating that the things that hurt you actually happened and at some point when it happened you said something somewhere where no one who was hurting you could see or know about thus allowing a certain level of freedom and eagerness to shout one's frustrations and fears into the void of the internet. everyone warned me not to because then "people will know" but i really and truly do think i was doing the smart thing because all i want now is for everyone to know. i have evidence of every mental breakdown and bit of trauma i've struggled with since i was at least sixteen on this blog and, even with a lot of posts deleted over the years, it's more than enough proof that i was deeply unwell and being severely mistreated by most people in my life. and there were a lot of rants about my ex and how he hurt me. i just gotta remember where they are if i ever need them. i'm not worried about his reputation, rapists usually get off scot free, this is solely for myself as i can feel i'll be facing questions and scepticism very soon. i've been loud and mean over the whole thing lately and i know someone in town is gonna confront me once i start going back there to visit family again. it's a small town and everyone knows that he dumped me, i vanished, and then i came back swinging and screaming "rapist" over and over and refuse to stop speaking my side whenever i damn well please while he plays it cool and looks mature by not saying anything other than implying that i'm a crazy parasitic slut. he has people on his side and was always a part of that community, im an outcast from the wrong side of the tracks who's rumored to be the most instable skank in the neighborhood. i need proof for myself. and if im lucky it would be enough for the tides to change and for people to realize those nasty rumors were all started by people just like my ex who could discredit me with ease cause i never posted or wrote down shit. i cant believe im saying this but god im so happy i have documented evidence of my case of stockholm's.