#I know I’m where I’m supposed to be but it still hurts
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Between Two Brothers~Jobe Bellingham and Jude Bellingham (love triangle)
The situation had started almost by chance, as often happens with things that later become complicated. You had met Jobe first, at an event where some mutual friends had invited you. He was charming, charismatic, with that slightly shy but captivating smile that seemed to promise laughter and adventures. By the end of the evening, you had exchanged numbers, and a few days later, he invited you out.
Your evening with Jobe had been perfect: a quiet dinner, strolling under the city lights, and, at the end, a sweet and gentle kiss. You liked Jobe, truly. But then, something unexpected happened.
Just a few days later, at another social gathering, you met Jude. Older, more self-assured, with an entirely different energy than his younger brother. Jude had a magnetic aura, and it didn’t take long before he, too, asked you out. You hadn’t found the courage to say no, perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps because you hadn’t yet realized how complicated things would get.
With Jude, the atmosphere was entirely different. There was nothing sweet or delicate about your time together: your date was full of sparks, passionate conversations, and intense, lingering gazes. When you kissed, the chemistry was undeniable.
You didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t your intention to create a conflict between them, but the truth wouldn’t stay hidden for long. And indeed, the day after your date with Jude, the two brothers found themselves alone at home, and the tension was palpable.
“So, explain this to me,” Jobe said, crossing his arms and glaring at Jude accusingly.
“What’s there to explain?” Jude replied, seemingly calm, but with a hint of irritation in his voice.
“Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You went out with her, didn’t you?”
Jude sank onto the couch, leaning his head back. “And what if I did? You went out with her too. It’s not like you own her, Jobe.”
“This isn’t about ‘owning’ anyone!” Jobe raised his voice, his fists clenched at his sides. “But you knew I liked her. I told you about her!”
Jude stood up, facing his brother directly. “And? Was I supposed to step aside just because you decided she’s ‘yours’? That’s not how it works, Jobe. She’s free to choose.”
“Oh, really? And you think kissing her made things easier for her?”
At that, Jude fell silent for a moment. He ran a hand through his hair, visibly frustrated. “Look, I don’t want to fight with you over a girl. But I can’t ignore how I feel.”
“Oh, because you think it’s any different for me?” Jobe shot back. “I can’t believe you did this. You betrayed me, Jude.”
The silence that followed was heavy. Jobe turned away, heading toward the window. Jude stayed where he was, staring at the floor. Eventually, Jude broke the silence.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, okay? I didn’t do it to… to steal something from you. But when I’m with her… it’s like nothing else matters. I can’t just pretend.”
Jobe turned slowly. “And you think it’s any different for me? Jude, you’re my brother. You’re the person I’ve always trusted. And now, this…”
Jude sighed, the weight of his emotions evident in his eyes. “Maybe we should talk to her. Let her decide. I don’t want this to ruin us.”
Jobe looked at him, the pain and anger still present, but a flicker of understanding beginning to show. “Maybe you’re right. But don’t think I’ll give up without a fight.”
Jude offered a faint, sad smile. “Neither will I.”
---
The situation was far from resolved, and you knew it. That evening, when you received two separate messages—one from Jobe and one from Jude—you realized that you could no longer avoid addressing the issue. You had to make a choice. But which brother would win your heart?
#jude bellingham#jobe bellingham smut#jobe bellingham#jude bellingham blurb#jude bellingham x reader#jude bellingham smut#jude bellingham imagine#jude sweetwine#jude x reader#jude speaks#hey jude#judes hoe😚#judeswifey#real madrid#smut imagine#jude bellingham x you#p links#jude bellingham one shot#footballer imagine#football imagine#love triangle#footballer fanfic#football fanfic#football#football x reader#footballer x reader#footballer x y/n#kylian lottin mbappé#kylian x reader#vinicius jr
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okay! here's the first poseidon 'snippet' . this takes place before and during this scene!
hope you guys enjoy! ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
*a few months after poseidon had left apollo’s infirmary finally all free of holes all healed up*
*up on olympus*
zeus: *bored outta his godly mind after 20 years of entertainment (especially those last 10 years)*
zeus: *suddenly struck with an idea*
zeus: *to no one in particular* i think i’m going to go pay my brother a visit… just to check on how he is…
zeus: *disappears in a flash of lightning*
hera: *entering the room*
hera: *stares at the scorch marks on the ground where zeus just was*
hera: *to herself* as long as its nothing to do with a woman or illegitimate child… then i don’t care.
*below the sea in poseidon’s palace*
*poseidon enjoying some peace and quiet; when in a flash, zeus on one of his very rare visits, appears in front of him*
zeus: *looking around the room* so… how are things?
poseidon:
poseidon: *sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose*
poseidon: what do you want zeus?
zeus: *ignoring poseidon’s question* where’s your queen?
poseidon: amphitrite is out visiting her sisters…wait never mind that-
poseidon: what do you want?
zeus: *now looking at poseidon* can’t i come see my big brother?
poseidon: you never bother, unless you want something.
poseidon: *anger now in his voice* so out with it.
zeus: *putting his hands up in front of him* whoa! no need to get angry…
zeus: *putting his hands down and a smirk appears* ...remember how that ended for you last time?
zeus: *smirk gets bigger* how you let odysseus beat you like that, i have no idea…
poseidon: *glaring at zeus* do not speak that name in my home
zeus: why my dear brother? are you perhaps… scared?
poseidon: *falling right into zeus provocations*
poseidon: i am NOT scared of that mons- mortal!
poseidon: he merely took advantage of my state after using a lot of my power!
zeus: *under his breath to himself* that power still didn’t kill him though, did it?
zeus: *to poseidon this time* but you’re not in that state now, are you? nor have you been since you left olympus… so what’s holding you back now?
poseidon: *raising an eyebrow at zeus* holding me back from what?
zeus: *knows he has poseidon hook, line and sinker*
zeus: i understand you can no longer hurt him or his family; unless you want to incur the wrath of my daughter… and i suppose even my wife
zeus: but you can make trouble for him still, can’t you?
poseidon:
zeus: *notices the slight hesitation*
zeus: or maybe you are truly fearful of him now? the mighty god of the seas, terrified of a mortal king.
poseidon: *blinks and then goes back to glaring at zeus*
poseidon: i told you i am not sca-
zeus: -then what’s stopping you?
poseidon: NOTH- *coughs* nothing.
poseidon: *crosses his arms and looks away from zeus*
zeus: *laughs knowing he’s done what he came here to do*
zeus: well, i shouldn’t stay too long away from olympus... enjoy the rest of your day brother.
zeus: *disappears in another flash of lightning*
poseidon: *looks at the scorch marks on his floor*
poseidon: he always leaves a mess…
poseidon: *thinking over the conversation again*
poseidon: i’ll show him who’s scared.
*outside the shores of ithaca*
poseidon: *looking the nice clear weather and seeing the merchant ships coming to and from ithaca*
poseidon: it would be a shame if something disrupted this...
poseidon: *smirks* *summons his trident & lifts it to the sky*
*the wind picks up and storm clouds quickly start forming*
poseidon: *can hear distant shouts of mortals reacting to the sudden storm*
poseidon: *laughs to himself* perfect.
poseidon: well, i guess i’ll leave this to brew. i’ll check back later to see what damage has happe-
poseidon: *a full body shiver comes over him out of nowhere*
poseidon: *turns to look at the ithacan docks where he can see..a mortal?*
poseidon: why i am i bothered by that mo-
poseidon: *sees deep red eyes and realises who the mortal is*
poseidon: -oh no.
*the king of ithaca odysseus stands there, glaring into the storm*
odysseus: *in a cold voice* I am going sailing with my son. There will be no issues, is that understood?
poseidon: *even though he knows odysseus can’t hear him* aye aye captain!
poseidon: *with a whimper calls off the storm immediately and quickly dives back under the water*
poseidon: *before he can completely leave, he can hear the voice of odysseus saying “good.”*
poseidon: *about to head straight back home but pauses*
poseidon: *remembers odysseus said he was going sailing with his son*
poseidon: *knows he may be god of the sea, but he can’t always be there to control what the residents of said sea get up too*
poseidon: maybe i should just make sure there’s nothing to make him angrier at me
poseidon: *secretly follows & stays near odysseus’ and telemachus’ ship*
#poseidon: i’m definitely not scared#poseidon: i just don’t want any trouble#*meanwhile zeus watching it all unfold from olympus*#zeus: i mean that’s not the entertainment i was expecting#zeus: but i’ll take it!#*back at poseidon’s palace*#amphitrite: husband i’m hom-#amphitrite: *realises poseidon isn’t home*#amphitrite: he said he didn’t have anything schedule-#amphitrite: *sees the scorch mark on the floor*#amphitrite: *sighs* well that explains it#listen amphitrite has enough experience of seeing zeus rile poseidon up to know he’s got him tricked into doing something stupid#also yes hera won’t let any harm come to odysseus and his family#that man fought monsters and gods to get back to his wife#she now ain’t letting anything else disrupt her otp#poseidon epic#zeus epic#odysseus epic#hera epic the musical#friends in higher places au?#poseidon snippets#epic the musical#epic: the musical#odysseus#poseidon#zeus#nonsense thoughts
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SSR - Arlo Wake - Applepom
Vignette - Not Here For You Guys (Part 1)
read fic under the cut!
“So that’s two.” Epel says, looking between the odd collection of NRC students before him. He sighs, “Where are we going to get a third person, though?”
“I find it a bit odd that you haven’t asked your fellow Pomefiore dorm members. Vil and Rook, I understand, but…” Jade tilts his head to the side, indicating one of the tables near them. Epel’s eyes follow his direction, but the minute he spots the person being pointed out, he grimaces.
“That’s not a good choice, either!” He protests, but Jade’s mouth simply curls into a smile.
“Hmm? He seems like a perfectly good candidate to me. Let me go get him.” Before the first year can stop him, the mer is already walking away to retrieve his target.
“I’m not familiar with that one.” Sebek says, scrutinizing the two second years who now seem to be having an argument of some sort. “He doesn’t seem like he’d be any good in an athletic competition.”
Epel groans. “His athletics isn’t the problem!”
“And what exactly is the problem with me?”
“Ack!” The first year startles, looking up to the two mer who have now appeared beside their table. Jade is smiling, but Arlo looks incredibly annoyed—not that that’s much different than usual. He narrows his eyes further as he takes in the group settled around the table.
Well, he’s here already, so it would be fine to at least ask, right?
“Umm, nothing! Actually, we were looking for another person. You see, there’s this sled race in Harveston, and—“
“Oh, that.” The mer interrupts, tilting his head. “I should have realized you were going to that too.”
“Yeah—“. Epel stops, “Wait, too?!”
“Oh my.” Jade’s eyes widen, “This is unexpected. You already know about this?”
“The race truly is that famous and rigorous, then?” Sebek asks excitedly.
Arlo glances at the Diasomnia first year, raising an eyebrow. “Uh, no. I don’t care about things like that.”
“And I suppose it would be wrong of me to hope that you were similarly interested in Mount Moln…” Jade sighs, shaking his head. “I can only dream.”
Arlo turns to the mer, a look of disgust on his face. “What are you talking about?”
“Neither you or Floyd have any taste, of course…”
“Jade, I swear…”
“Wait, wait!” Epel holds up his hands, temporarily interrupting the two childhood friends. “Seriously, what’d ya’ mean ‘too’?!”
Arlo tilts his head, “I was invited to watch the race.” He says simply, as if it answers the question.
“Wh-?! By who?!” Epel suddenly gets a stricken look on his face. “Don’t tell me—“
Much to the Pomefiore student’s horror, his upperclassman’s cheeks flush a bit red, something that only happens with mention of one specific person. “It doesn’t really matter who it was, does it?” He spits back harshly.
“Oh?” Jade perks up, a smirk on his face. “My, I haven’t seen that reaction from you in a very long time. Who might we be talking about?”
Arlo shoots him a glare, “It’s none of your business, you fungi obsessed freak.”
“Your words do hurt, you know.” Jade says, entirely unfazed.
“No way, Neige invited you?” Epel blinks at the mer in shock. “And you’re going? To MY hometown? With HIM?”
Arlo stares back at him, unimpressed. “It’s only polite to accept an invitation when you’re invited.” He says, like a liar.
“Neige…?” Jade tilts his head. “…Neige LeBlanche? The actor?”
“No, the florist.” Arlo rolls his eyes, “Obviously the actor.”
“I was simply surprised, is all.” Jade grins widely at him. “Although, perhaps I shouldn’t be—that was your type, wasn’t it?”
Arlo’s eyes widen, and then his face flushes bright red even as it immediately contorts in anger. “Shut up! I don’t have a type! And even if I did, he’s not—! Ugh! You’re so annoying! This is why Floyd is the better twin. I wish he would’ve eaten you.” He viciously continues insulting his fellow mer, all while Jade grins on victoriously.
Epel just stares on in despair. “So… not only do we still need to find another person, but Arlo will be there? With Neige?” He mentally starts calculating the chances of Arlo telling on him to Vil. Maybe he’ll be too distracted…? Or—
“Jade, I swear to the Great Seven if you say a single word more about this I will make sure to rip off your tail fins and eat them in front of you.” Arlo finishes, threat hissed in a low tone with his finger pointed at the other boy’s chest. It’s rather comical, considering the height difference, if only Arlo didn’t seem serious about it.
“Wh-?!” Sebek splutters from off to the side, having mostly stayed out of it yet maintaining a disappointed look. “Eat them—?!”
Arlo turns his frightening glare onto him next, anger not sparing a single person no matter their involvement. Epel, unfortunately, is used to it.
He sighs, “Uh… so you’ll be going to Harveston tomorrow too, then…?” He asks hesitantly, conscious of making the older boy even angrier.
The mer crosses his arms. “Yes. I suppose we’ll be seeing each other in the morning, then.” He scoffs.
“Right…”
“I’m leaving now.” Arlo announces, and then throws another glare at Jade, who seems to be radiating smug happiness. ���Don’t talk to me.” He hisses.
“See you tomorrow.” Jade calls at his retreating back. Arlo makes a rude gesture over his shoulder.
“I see what you were saying now.” Sebek comments. “We’re better off without him on the team.”
“Yeah…” Epel sighs, “We still need a third person, though…”
#surprise! this card comes with a fic!#I live for Jade bullying Arlo actually#twisted wonderland#disney twst#twst oc#twst original character#twst fanart#arlo wake oc#neige leblanche#twst neige#<- he’s relevant so#jade leech#twst jade#sebek zigvolt#twst sebek#twst epel#epel felmier#harveston sledathon#twst harveston#twst fanfic#sunny’s fics! ☀️
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Ok sorry I caught the brain worms and now I have to share them with you. I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes and what not. I’m not a writer, I strongly prefer reading, and English is my second language. So feel free to ignore my ramblings.
So. Your “A painted white rose, still so red” fic. Wonderful thing. Love that Ace was dreaming about all of the horrors that would happen to him and his friends. And Yuu the one that is trapped in a time loop doomed to repeat every overbolt until they survive / make sure everyone else gets out unscathed.
That’s all well and good but… Ace and Yuu aren’t the only ones that have to face each overbolt.
Deuce always knew he wasn’t the smartest academically. Seven he’s barely passing his exams with the help of his house warden. But he isn’t dense enough to not notice his best friends weird behaviors.
He has caught Ace multiple times pulling the Prefect away from the group to talk to them in private. That in and of itself wouldn’t be so weird if they didn’t insist on him taking Grim for a minute while they talked. The others brushed this off but for some reason it stuck with Deuce.
This proved useful as during a lecture one of their classmates decided to mess around and almost blow up the classroom. Due to Ace and the Prefects quick thinking a majority of the damage was prevented.
Deuce always knew he wasn’t as smart as the Prefect or as annoyingly cunning as Ace. That didn’t keep him from being impressed by how prepared his friends seemed whenever disaster struck. It’s almost as if they knew it was going to happen.
He really starts to suspect something was up once the Prefect sent him an SOS in the middle of winter break. Once he met up with Ace to return to NRC to check up on them Ace was beside himself. Constantly checking his phone for any updates or always mumbling something about Snakes for some reason. Whenever Deuce tried to ask him what’s wrong or what Ace meant by that he’d always get waved off and or ignored.
When they finally, finally made it back to NRC and found the Prefect chilling with the Octavinelle Trio and the Scarabia dorm Deuce was confused. Ace on the other hand pushed past the crowd of people without another thought, on the way glaring at the Vice-House Warden of Scarabia.
(Why would Ace glare at someone he’s never even met before?) Deuce doesn’t need to wait long for an explanation to come, because it appears in the form of two familiar eals that explain that surprise, surprise another overbolt happened. (But how would Ace know that?)
Deuce knows what it’s like to have secrets you would rather not share with anyone. Really he understands. After all he also has things he only shares with his best friends if at all. But as he watches Ace and the Prefect reunite after all the stress of the past week he can’t help but feel hurt as he realizes that his best friends don’t trust him enough to keep their secret.
in reference to this post
ugh you just smashed my heart with an anvil— i love how it aches :)
(but i loved your rambling and your english was great! do drop by with those ramblings of your sometime, i adore it :DDDD )
Poor Deuce. A part of Ace thinks that Deuce is lucky that he isn't plagued with such nightmares, but never stops to consider that his best friend has his own inner turmoil. Ace, Deuce, the Prefect— they were always supposed to be a trio. And yet, this friendship has grown into a triangle, and Deuce sits at a point where his two friends had grown further and further away.
This weird sense of distant doesn't catch his eye in every loop. When Deuce feels out of place, however, it threatens to make him angry. There were certainly times when he has wanted to fight Ace for an answer, especially when he knows when Ace is lying straight to his face when the redhead was clearly bothered. Deuce never exactly confronts you, though. The Prefect has grown so tired of reacting and making mistakes to the point that you're just going through the motions sometimes.
To twist the knife even further, Ace and the Prefect never communicate about what is being foreseen in most loops until it's too late. Now, you have three different people tugging and pulling at one another to avoid the worst possible endings. Ace, who tries to prevent those Bad Ends from happening. The Prefect, who is still searching for more options and routes to take to survive the next overblot. And then there's Deuce, who cannot see ahead of the script and is forced to play along with the messes that Ace and the Prefect make. Ace would never confide in Deuce because he won't consider the idea that someone will believe in his crazy story. The Prefect can never confide in Deuce because it hurts to see him try to find a solution.
Nonetheless, no matter how hurt Deuce gets, his care for his best friends never change. Even when it ended with him hurt or dead in some loops, Deuce trusts both of you, even when the truth is something he would never hear.
That being said, I still think about the scene that I cut from the original. Contrary to what Ace thought, Deuce would have definitely trusted that Ace was telling the truth. That was why Deuce breaks out two blastcycles and was more than willing to help row a boat to get the Prefect as far away from the campus as possible during the events of book 7. You could only imagine how heartbroken Prefect was to reawaken back in that coffin, knowing that all the love that Deuce and Ace poured into you was now lost.
The Prefect has watched Ace and Deuce care for you for over a hundred loops now. There are time loops where the Prefect pushes aside those failures and puts up that smile as the process repeats itself again. There are also those time loops where the Prefect cries and cannot explain why when Ace and Deuce come to the rescue in the mines.
#twst x reader#a painted white rose still so red#ace trappola x reader#deuce spade x reader#viaviavie snacks
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LU Wild x Reader Part 3: Sharing stories
Okay, I forgot how long this piece was but I'll be slowly putting it up every week. Part three yayyy we get to meet Malon hehe! Sorry its a bit short, I actually need to edit some parts so there's extra work to do but here we goooo
Start here!
Malon and Link’s house is adorable, it’s the cutest little place tucked away in a farm, looking over the forest and rest of castle town. Just stepping underneath the expanse of the blue sky makes me want to live here.
“Oh my gosh! I’m so jealous of your house!” I can’t contain my excitement, wrapping my hands together. A few moments later the door opens, and a beautiful woman steps out, Time is smiling, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy. She reaches her arms around him, both melting into each other. I can’t help admiring them, tilting my head at the endearing look they share. My gaze falls towards Wild for a moment, raising a slight brow in mockery and nudges my arm.
“I can’t lie, their adorable.” I say, echoing the sentiment everyone else is probably feeling. Most of us are staring in pure admiration, watching them pull away. Time places a soft kiss against Malon's head.
“It feels like forever,” she says, letting go then stares at the rest of us, a hand against her hip before landing her eyes on me.
“Oh! I you must be y/n," Link wrote about you so much to me, come in the rest of you.” I look towards Link, finally this time the old man actually smiles at me, to my relief. I almost let out an audible sigh.
“Told you he was fine.” Wild whispered. I roll my eyes, continuing inside as they lead us into their home. It’s so cozy, and there’s already a whole table full of food set up for us. For a long moment we just let them be, sitting around as we all hungrily stare at the plates. Neither of us reaching for food, striving to be polite. Wild pouts, and Legend reaches his hand out before Sky swats his arm.
“Not yet! Can’t you just be a little patient?” it all makes us laugh, but then my stomach cramps. Hungrily.
“Oh! You guys can all eat, what are you waiting for? We’ll be there in a moment.” Her eyes are still on Time’s, it’s almost like he’s forgotten the rest of us exist. I can’t blame him really, but I still keep looking towards them.
Perfect, their so perfect together.
Again I catch Wild glancing towards me, a smirk growing on his face until I snap out of it, realising their all looking at me. A blush spreads across my face, embarrassed.
“What’s up with you? Daydreaming about having a life like that?” I kick Wild’s leg, a few others noticing, like Twilight.
“Ew, no? what on earth.” I stutter, not coming out the way I intended at all.
“Isn’t it what everyone wants? It’s cool to explore the world but at the end of the day something like this is peaceful…well having someone.” Sky says, hand against his cheek. I keep my face non chalant, but it’s true. And knowing I may not ever get it, really stings.
"that’s so lame.” Legend rolls his eyes, but the others are quiet.
“It definitely warrants that, and who are you lying too? We know how much you miss-“ Sky gives Warriors a cautionary glance, softening his expression as Legend looks genuinely hurt. I’m still quiet, staring below at the floors.
For the rest of the evening Malon kindly asks us questions, about where we’re from. And me, which is a little hard to explain granted I sort of jumped through a well and ended up here.
“Do you think you’ll stay?” she poses the question casually, and everyone looks at me.
“Aha well…I don’t really know yet. It would be nice to stay, but then everyone else will have to go back home at some point, and I suppose my home isn’t really here.” The realisation hurts, and suddenly I don’t have a huge appetite anymore. Time looks at me sympathetically, and Wild also softens, knowing how I truly feel about Twilight right now. He may already have someone in mind anyway right? Best to keep expectations low.
“Whew! I’m kind of full, I think I’ll go for a walk. Would it be okay if I walk?” I push my plate forward, clearing my throat. The tension is making my face heat.
“Oh of course, just don’t wander too far. I’d hate for you to run into a monster at this time.” Time almost looks traumatised just as before, but Wild chips in once again.
“I can come!” I look at him, surprised, but suppose it would be good to talk. He’s really the only one I can sort of confide in right now.
“Sure.”
It’s cold, really cold around here that’s worse than the camp night. I’m shivering, pulling my sleeves while looking up at the moon, remembering that story Time told us about how it had almost fallen and crushed the entire world. It still feels like a silly fable, but then again this whole chance to be in Hyrule is pretty unbelievable.
“So that’s the moon in question? It looks friendly.” Wild says, staring up at while removing his cape, placing it over my shoulders. I freeze, holding onto the end then glance towards him, holding onto the fabric. It carries the scent of peppermint and wood, all the adventures he told us around the fire lingering in this fabric.
“What- aren’t you cold?” I say, letting my hand down. He puffs out his chest, albeit very much freezing and not doing a good job of hiding it.
“I’ve braved snow capped mountains in this tunic, this is nothing.” His teeth chatter, but I giggle.
“Alright, if you’re sure, hero. Also, the moon looks like cheese to me.”
“Cheese?”
“See the craters?”
“Well if I look too long I’m afraid it might start to resemble a face. Do you think the old man was serious about the moon falling?” I give him an incredulous look.
“Do I? at this point anything is possible for me.”
“Oh…right. I mean in my world it turned red. A very, aggressive and blood sort of red. Then at exactly midnight all the creatures and monsters I slayed came back to life." He narrates his story again, walking through the fields while I listen intently watching his eyes colour with intensity.
Once we're closer to the edge of a hill, We come to a stop, overlooking the town square, quiet at this time with a few fires flickering distantly. My stomach churns, the lingering realisation becoming more prominent each day that all this will fade. Wild stops talking, facing me.
“Wait sorry- I forgot about your world-“ he says quietly, "Tell me about it!" I'd been pushing away any thoughts about home, even though I'd come from there, part of me never felt like I'd belonged.
"Nothing too interesting to talk about, really." His expression fades, curiousity dimming. "Really? I thought you were a writer though, I'm sure you've got some stories to share." They weren't worth speaking about here, I'd told them about my journals, all the books I'd read but to tell them something from my life still felt like a raw wound. Stories were best shared as scars, but mine hadn't quite healed yet.
"Umm, I don't really want to, sorry." I mumble, but he smiles again.
"Oh well, but I'm going to hold you to it. You owe me!"
#legend of zelda#lu legend#lu warriors#twilight lu#fanfic#lu wild#linked universe#zelda au#zelda oc#sky lu#reader x link#lu time#lu hyrule#loz
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|Bump in the Night|
✨Pairing✨: Tim Rockfordxblack!reader
Summary🪄: You can always count on Tim
🚨: attempted break in/breaking and entering, mention of stalking, brief mention of gun(s), language, violence (man-man), ends in fluff tho💕
A/N🎤: hello☺️! This is my submission to @burntheedges Roll-A-Trope event (I’m so sorry that it’s much later than the deadline/expected😓). Everyone please support the other works that were submitted and I hope you enjoy what I came up with🌸
*DISCLAIMER!: I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP of pictures used as they were all found via Pinterest. Although my works are imagined with a black reader, all are welcome to read💕*
Trope: friends to lovers
Hearing the familiar address come across his police scanner, Tim couldn’t care less about the lawyer that was supposed to be under his surveillance. His silver Honda Civic practically floating over the asphalt as he sped towards the apartment complex.
Specifically, yours.
“No apparent injuries to occupant. No ambulance needed.”
Tim’s grip on the wheel slightly loosens at that. Although he was still stressed not completely knowing what happened yet, at least you were currently safe and unharmed. Minutes later, his car screeches to a stop in the parking lot already occupied by a flashing patrol car.
“Detective Rockford?,” the young officer - he still couldn’t remember his name after all this time - asks slightly startled from seeing the usually stoic and aloof man. “What-?”
“Where is she?” His steps never falter and the younger officer - Davey? Casey? - has to lightly jog to catch up with the detective on a mission.
“She?”
“The victim.”
“Oh! Currently with Daniels as he does a final sweep.”
“Still nothing?,” Tim asks as they both finally arrive on your floor from their ascent up the stairs. He wasn’t surprised to see the elevators out again. There was always something wrong with this place which is why he tried urging you to another complex.
“True it’s not perfect, but it’s not terrible. I’ll be fine Tim,” you assured with that sweet smile that could warm the coldest of hearts.
“Just some shifted furniture, nothing missing yet. We tried dusting for prints, but perp was smart enough to use gloves.”
Walking in to see your nervous expression - lip worried between your teeth as your arms wrapped around yourself - had a storm of emotions swirling he’d never experienced all at once. Relief that he could physically see you were unharmed. Rage at whoever did this. Finally, a sense of protectiveness wanting to make sure this never happened to you again.
By any means.
“T-Tim?,” you asked finally meeting his eyes. Immediately he’s crossing the few feet between you to hug you close. Gently rocking you back and forth as you savor the much needed comfort.
“Let’s uh give them some privacy Kaz,” Daniels whispers. “Kazinski!,” Tim thought as he finally remembered the man’s name. Wow he was way off.
“What happened?”
“Well,” you sigh, “I came home and the door was cracked open. Something didn’t feel right this time though-,”
“Wait, this time? Someone’s done this before?”
You slowly nod. “Well, then again I could’ve accidentally-,”
“We both know you didn’t leave it open. You never leave your door open or unlocked.”
Too many times you were the one reminding him to make sure he’d locked up both his house and car. Always on the go with mind focused on other things, there’s a very strong chance he’d leave his head home if it wasn’t attached to him.
“Why didn’t you call me?,” he asks with deep brown eyes full of concern and slight hurt.
“I didn’t wanna interrupt your case. Plus it’s nothing I can’t handle on my own.”
“But you don’t have to do it on your own,” he sighs. Your hyper-independence just might be the death of him. “Grab some clothes and whatever else you need, you’re staying with me.”
“Tim-,”
“If you think I’m leaving you here tonight you don’t know me as well as I thought,” he simply counters sitting in one of your wooden dining room chairs waiting for you to get your things with arms crossed against his chest.
There’s no use in arguing when his mind is set - which tends to be often. All you can do is what he says swiftly turning towards your bedroom and softly padding down the short hall.
-
Phone to his ear, Tim can’t help the smile that forms at your sweet voice. Deep inside he feels like that giddy teenager again excited and in slight disbelief that he finally gets the chance to talk to the prettiest girl in school.
“Hey, just uh wanted to check on you. Make sure you made it in okay.”
“Yep just got the last of the groceries in,” you smile locking the door behind you. “Hey don’t pick up anything to eat! I’m making lasagna.”
This is how it’s been for the past week. Tim checking to see you made it in and how your day had gone before you both discussed your plan for dinner that night.
And he loved the domesticity of it all. Never did he think he’d say that, typically preferring to be alone so he could come and go as he pleased with no one constantly in his ear. But there was something about coming home to warm meals and music softly playing in the background that had an unexpected calm rushing over him.
Then again, maybe all those new things he was feeling - now wanting every day and wondering how he thought life was better without it - was from you.
“Sounds great, I’m gonna be a bit late getting in though so don’t wait on me to eat.”
“Oh, okay.” Your disappointed tone has him ready to quit if it’ll make you happy again. “I take it there’s good news on the case?”
“Yea and new evidence that potentially puts us closer to solving this.”
“And freeing-?”
“That I can’t discuss. You and I both know,” he softly chuckles. At your little huff he can already picture you rolling those dangerously perfect eyes.
“Okay,” you pout, “I guess I’ll see you later then. Be careful.”
“I will. I’ll try not to be too long.”
Saying your final goodbyes, he’s embarrassingly greeted by the smirk of officer Daniels while he leans against the doorframe of his office.
“Soo the infamous friend..,” he states with a knowing grin.
“Don’t.”
“Can’t blame you, she’s really sweet. Not to mention beautiful-,”
The mix of annoyance and anger on Tim’s face is enough to stop Daniels in his tracks making him deeply chuckle with hands up in defeat. “Relax, I come in peace.”
“Wishing you didn’t at all,” Tim mumbles causing more chuckles from the man in front of him.
“Don’t think you’ll say that after you see this.” Gently placing the folder on his desk, Tim’s brow raises as he curiously flips open the gray cover. “Pretty sure this is our guy.”
-
You think you’re still dreaming when you hear that first click. Another - followed by a scrape against the hardwood - has your eyes quickly opening trying to register what was happening. You can faintly make out the bedroom thanks to the sliver of yellow-gold coming from the hall light as you slowly sit up. Not finding Tim asleep in his usual recliner in the corner of the room, you wonder if it’s him finally returning home.
“Tim?!”
The heavy footsteps - seemingly pacing back and forth - pause, and you feel an uneasiness creep over you at the momentary silence. A shadow of something to come you couldn’t quite place.
As the footsteps grow closer, that unease sets off alarms at the realization that those steps were heavier than Tim’s. He doesn’t wear boots…
It’s as if the intruder senses they’re caught in that same moment increasing their speed towards your bedroom. Luckily you bound from the bed locking the door mere seconds before they reach the knob furiously twisting and banging against the door trying to enter.
Amid the pounding in your chest and ears, you’re focused enough to lock yourself in the adjoining restroom and lie in the tub with trembling hands covering your mouth. Tears slowly slipping down your cheeks while wishing for the darkness to take you before the stranger can.
On the third hard thud, the room door breaks from its hinges startling you and sending screws scattering to the floor - and no doubt chips of wood.
“I know you’re in here. Might as well come out now, it’s only a matter of time before I find you.”
That familiar voice sends goosebumps down your body and bile stinging your throat.
His laugh isn’t a humorous one stepping across the threshold. Wood creaking and cracking under his weight. “I don’t know why you’re making me do this. Things could be so much easier if you’d just…listen.”
The echo of your vibrating phone carries into the bathroom making more tears spring from your eyes. Tim would be home any moment coming face to face with this man who wouldn’t stop until he got what he wanted. Possibly unarmed not expecting danger in what was supposed to be his safe haven.
A danger you ultimately caused.
If something happened to Tim-
“You run to him, but he’s not even here for you! Huh, some protector.”
If you weren’t so terrified, you’d easily be ready to defend your friend. Fight for him just as he’s always fought for you.
Hearing the bed squeak, you know he’s probably leaning on it to lift the cover’s edge and peek in the space under. Not finding you there, you figure there’s only seconds before he’s barging into your hiding place and doing God knows what.
“Guess you won’t believe me until you see for yourself though.” His tone hushes to just above a whisper taking a step closer. Then another, and you’re surprised he hasn’t said anything about your heartbeat how it surely could be heard thudding in your chest. “Fine with me doll.”
Flashes of what that could mean enter your mind only making you sob harder. A sheen of sweat breaking along your body anxiously waiting on that fearful moment the life you once knew would be over.
Rather than the cracking of another broken door, you’re met with Tim’s gruff voice yelling for the intruder to freeze and allowing you to finally breathe. His trusty black handgun drawn and trained on his target daring the stranger to move. “It’s over Kane. Down on your knees with hands on your head.”
Surprisingly he follows Tim’s instructions, slowly kneeling down on one knee then the other. Once his hands are in the right position, handcuffs are being tightened around his wrist and a solid blow sent to his ribs causing Kane to painfully grunt as he keels over.
“That’s assault!”
This time his cheek receives the punch immediately reddening the tan skin under his left eye - and Tim’s knuckles in the process. “Where is she?!”
Kane just darkly chuckles. “You tell me. Aren’t you the detective?” His smug jokes are no more feeling cold metal against his temple. A quick click signaling how the weapon was ready to fire at any moment Tim chose.
“Last fucking chance! Tell me-,”
He hears your cries the same moment Daniels and Kazinski rush into the bedroom with guns drawn themselves. Immediately they take over, hoisting the slightly battered man to his feet and reading him his rights, while Tim hurries to retrieve you. His heart breaking the moment he sees you visibly shaken in the tub with tears staining your face.
“I’m here honey it’s okay,” he attempts to soothe quickly gathering you in his arms. Your face instinctively buries itself in his neck finding comfort in the scratch of his beard and smell of tobacco mixed with sandalwood and his earlier cups of coffee. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”
It’s a few moments before you can find your voice again; even then it prickles climbing your throat and escapes in a hoarse whisper. “H-How did you know?”
“Your coworker told us about him. How he was banned because he came to the job every day bothering you. Daniels looked into him and we found…”
The way his Adams Apple bobs you can tell he’s struggling for his next words. Probably trying to soften a blow that would surely worsen your already destroyed mental and emotional state.
He clears his throat rubbing a soothing hand up and down your arm. “There was enough evidence that led us to believe he’d try something. We rushed here as soon as we could.”
Just when you thought your heart had been through enough. You could read between the lines and knew what Tim meant by evidence, and it made that queasy, unsettled feeling return. Kane found the somewhat secluded house of your best friend, who’s to say another of your friends wasn’t next? Your family even.
Hot tears - summoned from some unknown hidden reserve - begin to soak his shoulder as he slowly rocks you back and forth. Tim’s thick arms holding your shaking body tighter. Little did you know it was as much for him as you.
“He-He’s n-never gonna stop…is he?,” you direct more so to the open air. “Everyone I know-,”
“Hey hey listen to me,” Tim gently starts. His hands slightly pushing you away before moving to caress your face so you’d have no choice but to meet his sympathetic and caring eyes. “We got him. He can’t, and won’t, do anything to you or anybody else.”
“But-,”
“Even if - and it’s a very very small if - he tried something, I love you too much to let something happen.”
Maybe it was the overwhelm of emotions from such an eventful night. Maybe it was how Tim cradled your face - practically dwarfed by his larger hands - looking at you as if you were his most prized possession given by some high deity themselves. And maybe it was your hidden feelings finding a hopeful hook to latch onto that he felt the same about you. Either way, you couldn’t stop your lips from meeting his; moving so smoothly together it’s as if you’ve done this plenty of times.
Just pulling back an inch, Tim’s quick to follow smashing your lips together again as if he was addicted already. Inwardly, it makes you giggle. Feeling fuzzy and light as if dancing on the brightest sun ray on a spring day.
“We’re gonna take him downtow- oh..”
Forgetting where you were, Daniel’s voice is a startling reminder as you quickly part turning your heated face away from the bathroom’s entrance. Meanwhile, Mr. Rockford appears dazed attempting to act anything but trying to focus on his co-worker who just said..something important? “Um…y-yea Kane! We gotta-,”
“It’s taken care of Rockford,” Daniel’s answers professionally hiding his chuckles in his rock solid chest. Wait till he gets home to tell his wife this tea. Hell, he’ll have to text her on the way this was too good. “You uh take care of things here. I’ll keep you updated. Have a good night guys.”
And just as he said, Tim’s kept to his word almost a year later. Lying in your now shared bed with you perfectly molded to his side - your new home just outside of town in the relaxing countryside - he presses a loving peck to your forehead careful not to disturb your pleasant sleep. Watching you go so long without, it gives him a new layer of joy that Kane could no longer steal that from you. Your arm slung over his middle, his chest swells looking at the square cut diamond shining on your finger just waiting for you to wake up and notice it. To say yes to the question he’s been hoping you’d give him the chance to ask for some time now.
And down the line, maybe even build your little family giving you both a reason to decorate and fill the empty room across the hall.
#tim rockford#tim rockford x reader#Tim Rockford x woc#Tim Rockford x black reader#merge mansion#pedro pascal x woc#pedro pascal characters#pedro pascal x reader#pedro pascal#roll a trope challenge
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Missing my fish so bad idc abt the degree anymore I want to go home
#TWO weeks until summer break#Imagining vivid marriage scenarios with childhood friends I haven’t seen in eight years. Not Good.#I thought I’d find solidarity in the art program w other artists but I’m still so alone and I might be 4ever#I love my roomie but I still feel like I need to hide from her#Tired of having to isolate to feel like myself#I just wanna see my friends back home then I’ll feel better I think#Like. is this forever. am I going to be the weird one forever.#Would I even be able to handle it if there was someone weirder than me??? Cuz then like what am I for LOL.#I miss my fish#And my friends#And nature#I know I’m where I’m supposed to be but it still hurts#Wanna go to the mall with my girls where they attt
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asking for help always makes things worse
#I need to just accept that I’m never going to be given any understanding or actual help#I may never escape these worlds it seems it doesn’t matter how hard I try I can’t get anyone to listen to me#this feels traumatizing I feel entirely beaten and ground down into something small and helpless#I have no control at all I keep trying and trying and trying and trying and for what#I need somebody to just listen to me atp not being dismissed is better than nothing but everyone’s a curation anyway no real thoughts or#feelings but it doesn’t matter I don’t even care please just listen to me somebody listen to me I’m so confused do curations have some#autonomy I don’t think so maybe I don’t fucking know they said yes on the clock so perhaps yes so please just listen please pls pls pls pls#I can’t be traumatized I’m not human right but I’m having everything stripped from me every last ounce of control the shadow ppl have all#the control which is funny I’m fairly certain I’m one of them but they still can strip me of control I was bred for this#please somebody help me I keep begging like it’ll do anything can you at least help with the ppl and cameras in the vents#are ppl from the real world watching through them I believe so can anything be done something has to be done escape the impostors something#just something please just listening would help actual listening not dismissal you can think whatever you want about me but listen#maybe some have autonomy and some don’t ?#please understand that I’ve tried very hard I’ve tried very very hard suicidality and homicidality have dug their claws into me even further#I don’t know what else to do I’m at a loss and no one will listen to me at all I’ve tried asking offline I’ve tried asking online it doesn’t#matter what I do where I ask no one will listen even the ones who do somewhat say they don’t know what to do I’m suspicious do they really#not know what to do or are they lying that may be more an impostor thing but everyone and everything is suspicious to me uh uh uh just#listen and help please idk what to do it’s all in the mirrors and clocks and such but I need to find a way to enter the mirrors but I’m#scared what I’ll find who is looking back I’m scared what world I’ll end up in it may be their world I’ll be punished they said yes I’m#terrified can someone go in with me if I manage to find out how that’s pathetic but damn I don’t think I can anyway they’ve been crawling on#the ceilings today hahah doing some weird and wacky shit sometimes they’re a little funky and just there and other times I’m having a heart#attack no in between I know pleading with curations is likely going to be classified as annoying but for the love of god do you know what#else I am supposed to do ??? at the very least just listen to me please it is 02:14:46 how synchronous ! I can’t stop having what I think#are dreams about the mental hospital too haha they send me to dreamworlds sometimes trap me in them waking dreamworlds see I’ve been reduced#down into something tiny I’ve resorted to begging once again do I even want to beg am I lying to myself my words aren’t my own my thoughts#aren’t my own so is this not my own can’t ever speak none of it’s my own it feels unsafe especially to speak of anything that isn’t this#it isn’t safe it isn’t my own it’s not the focus idk idk idk should I ask to talk to someone again I wonder I want understanding for my#situation please listen to me the joints hurt aaaa#my life is a playyy is a playyy is a playyyyyy anyone like marina that song appeared in the head I wonder where that spider went it better#not be inside of the body ok ok ok anyone yes help wanted help needed 02:22:22
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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
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ya know, i’ve been aware of how the end of this season of pjo will go but it’s still gonna hurt in the end
#(i’m exhausted & drunk so idk if this’ll make any sense)#but i know that the ‘older brother / caring / protective figure’ that luke was in the second episode won’t stay#i know that he’s going to be a jaded version of himself who is going to try to kill percy#i know he’s going to betray everyone#and yet it’s still gonna hurt like a mf when i see it happen#maybe it’s s bc i believe that there’s a world where he doesn’t go down that path#or maybe it’s bc he’s annabeth’s only healthy older male figure & if i were in her shoes i’d feel so betrayed & broken#bc i also have issues with older men im supposed to trust & how they’ve treated me#but the point is :#seeing luke in the final episode or so will absolutely destroy me#even though i knew before i turned on the first episode that it was coming#luke 🗡️🪽#seaweed brain 🔱💙#pjo : the series#not kpop
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I’m trying to write around 300 words every day and I couldn’t go to bed unless I at least tried to sit down and write. I’m happy to say that I slaved away and at the end wrote over a thousand words. Yay!
#I looked at my psych wip for like less then a second#before abandoning it to quick reread a short one-shot I have in my drafts#and I managed to double the word count for my Macgyver X-men crossover fic#it was kinda annoying actually#Alex was supposed to just cause absolute havoc#and hurt one of the team when he escapes from the Phoenix institute#but apparently he’s playing spymaster#not sure if I’m going to keep the whole spymaster part for sure#but I mean he isn’t going to cause much damage at all#in fact at this rate he will figure out what’s going on pretty quickly and then trust the team#but where’s the fun in that#and even though I doubled the word count of the fic he still hasn’t escaped yet#not that he needs to escape but he doesn’t know that#he just woke up in a medical place with two doppelgängers of some very not nice people who actually aren’t the worst in this universe#so yeah fight it is#I’m toying around with the idea of him somehow accidentally releasing Murdoc or something#idk#we’ll see where it goes#he better get out soon though cause Bozer is going to find out sooner rather than later that he’s bullshitting him and he isn’t Mac#I did not think I’d ramble this much in the tags#I’m just happy I’m making progress because soon I get tot switch to jack’s pov and it will be great#still don’t know if I’m going to have Mac waking up after the explosion at the manor and trying to find his way home or not#I mean like that happens but I don’t really feel like writing that right now#maybe it could like#be a kind of connected series? and I can just eventually write Mac’s universe hopping adventure?#alright I’m headed to bed#goodnight!
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every day I remember that this fandom simply does not care about autistic people and, much like every other fucking thing I experience as an autistic person, the concept of it being a collective found family becomes increasingly alien to me. love this place.
#we really just can’t win I fucking hate it here#like this is my special interest. this is my community. I’ve met so many people through it that ended up becoming lifelong friends#I’ve been here for almost ten years and it’s meant everything to me for ten years. it’s kept me going through so much shit.#it’s more than just a show and more than just a fandom and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever been apart of#and like I didn’t realize I was autistic until like late 2021. I didn’t even realize SPN was my special interest until then either#I didn’t realize JACK was my special interest. but knowing that he is autistic means so much to me#and its meant so much to other autistic ppl in the fandom. somebody at MomentoCon even mentioned it to Alex last weekend for fucks sake .#it’s real and it’s special and it’s important to us but#but no we can’t have that. make him a fucking baby. toss every interesting thing about his character into a fucking volcano#and relegate him to being a fucking prop for everybody else.#I don’t know how else to tell you this but you are literally infantilizing an autistic person. you are being ableist. intentionally or not.#and the way you all seem to just. idk. double down on your own ableism? or excuse it?#or literally ignore autistic ppl who try to point out how ableist and weird your behavior towards an autistic character is?#it’s a lot of things. it’s so many terrible things and terrible feelings. but above all it’s disheartening.#it hurts to know that even in this space where everyone is family and everyone belongs. I’m still on the outside looking in.#I’m still not /really/ a part of everything else. it’s a horrible feeling and I don’t wish anyone to ever go through with it#but maybe you fucking should. maybe then you’d realize what you’re doing. or maybe you won’t. maybe I’m screaming into the void again.#which I literally always am w this topic anyways. nothing but screaming into a vast empty void that’s supposed to be my big special family#but whatever I guess.#spn#supernatural#spn fandom#spn family#spn famdom#jack kline#autistic jack kline#tfw2.0#destiel#sam and dean#castiel
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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All I can do until we see what happens with this election is hope, distract myself, and try to get others to vote, because if I think too hard about it my anxiety and depression gets worse and the voice in the back of my head that tells me to hurt myself and go hide in the woods or something gets louder
#emma posts#I guess I could also try to make offerings as a way to cope#depression#anxiety#the voice in the back of my head that tells me to kill myself keeps getting more chatty#I don’t think I’d go that far though#my desire to do anything keeps getting weaker#I’m scared#I can only do this and think ‘wouldn’t it be funny if we had something else crazy in fandom on the 5th?’#I have a therapy appointment for the first time in months scheduled for Friday#when i scheduled it it was coincidental timing but this might be a good thing#I am also thinking about changing therapists if my long time one feels dismissive of my concerns#I think ‘maybe I should have paid a visit to my family this week actually’ and then I remember that one brother moved back in with#my parents again and I’m like ‘actually maybe it’s best if I keep some distance for a bit. I can still text my parents about stuff’#i don’t want to be scared of that brother and I don’t think he’d ever hit me or anything. but it’s hard to be around him sometimes#he just gets so angry and he won’t get treatment like the rest of us do#he even called my other brother a slur and said ‘he was being sensitive about it’ and I was torn between staying hidden and throwing hands#but he’s way bigger than me and that would have just exilated things#he yells so loud and slams doors and says things that hurt and scare me and I just want to hide away. it’s not good#he refuses treatment for his issues and insults the rest of us for getting it for various issues of our own and he falls for so much#propaganda shit that’s supposed to draw third party people into that conservative fascist bigotry shit#the rest of the family can have totally chill conversations with each other even about politics but he just lashes out and I freeze up like#a scared rabbit. it’s different when it’s brought into one of the places you feel safest#and it’s somehow even harder when it’s your little brother and not your weird uncle#my parents are democrats who are more left than the actual party and my other brother isn’t really into politics#my parents kinda encouraged us to develop our own opinions though and it’s lead to me being really far left and my other brother#being in a really weird position where he thinks he’s some outsider but keeps falling for republican stuff#I know I would get angry for some similar psychological reasons when I was younger before treatment and maturity. but I was 13!#he’s a tall athletic man in his mid twenties! it’s a bit different!#I can see what lead him there. but he’s just been worse about it and it’s scary
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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;
#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know#regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone#because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too#i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too#all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.
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#I feel like I’m going insane and losing my grip on reality#and I’m scared#like all the time I’m just constantly terrified#I can’t eat I can’t think#whenever I sleep I wake up terrified#I have bad dreams all the time#and like today I felt like I was being hunted#like my mom calling me 30 times at 8:00 am#and then calling my friends#and then my JOB#I’m scared#and my friends have been fantastic but I feel like they have been dismissive of my feelings because they are irrational#like#‘she can’t actually hurt you’#ok but I’m still terrified#and for a large part of my life my parents DID have the ability to hurt me#and they DID#which is why I don’t contact my father anymore#and there is something so fucking isolating about being in a situation for your entire childhood and teenage years where you are#just idk surviving horrible conditions and witnessing people throwing things and yelling and drinking#and where they have the ability to put their hands on you as a 90 lb 12 year old#and like#it just doesn’t go away#I have my own apartment and my own room and I’m supposed to feel safe#and I don’t#and when my mom calls my job and my friends and spams my phone because I blocked her#I feel horrible#I feel unsafe#and I don’t care that it’s irrational I want my friends to let me be scared and not try and reason with me#I’m not an anxious person and I’m having panic attacks where I can’t breathe and I don’t know where I am and I’m confused
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