#I know I can't truly recreate that feeling BUT I TRIED MY BEST

[just-nonsense-bungaku]

花人局/Hanamotase/Flower and Badger Game Translyrics!

I've really wanted to write lyrics for hanamotase for a while now, ever since I finished reading Tousaku (I'm sure anyone who's read it can understand why). I honestly think this is the saddest Yorushika song, and that's saying a lot when the entirety of Elma exists. Since I should be doing something else right now, I managed to write these in a couple hours. They're really messy, but I'm actually really proud of them this time. There's a lot of anaphora and epistrophe.

I keep it in my heart, the flower you gave me that day,

I was still in a daze as the dawn bore you away

I woke up in a room with you nowhere in sight

Feeling only your warmth as you left me behind

So last night I got drunk and forgot, and I think something happened, but I wouldn’t know

There’s just a feeling that’s left in my heart that my night hadn’t been quite so lonely

I’m hungover and can’t even think, so I might’ve imagined the feeling of warmth

And even if I don’t know in the end, well, I think that’s alright in its own way

In the sink, I see a toothbrush next to somebody’s cup, and a bottle of lotion

They don’t mean a thing, I don’t know them at all

The pillow smells like flowers from someone I knew

I kept it in my heart, the flower you gave me that day

Still I’m stuck in a daze as the dawn takes you away

I wake up in a room with you nowhere in sight

Feeling only your warmth as you left me behind

So last night I got drunk, and I think there was something important, but I can’t recall

Some kinda badger game sounds about right, but I don’t really care at the moment

My hangover is already gone, so I guess I can think but I’m not really sure

And being honest, I’d rather not know, so I think it’s alright if I don’t

A window with a blooming lavender, a dirt-covered sink, and an unfinished muffler

I don’t know why I don’t know them at all,

And suddenly the scent of the spring fills the room

The flower-badger game can take even storm-clouds away

And I’m left all alone in the fading of the day

Sparing me nothing but the last ray of light

In a daze, just like when you had left me behind

So last night I got drunk, but I think I remember a bit more than I had said before

I can recall that my life will go on, even if I feel lost when you’re gone

Even now, I remember the day when you showed me a flower and told me of its name

And so I kept it there deep in my heart, to remember when you went away

Surely then, tomorrow I’ll meet up with you

With that look upon your face like it’s nothing new

You’ll say that you’re sorry you took such a long time

I’ll laugh as I say “I’ve done that too”

Wanting nothing but those words, I’m waiting for you

As the sunset turns to night, I’m waiting for you

So that I don’t forget, I’ll write songs of flowers and love

All alone in the night, knowing words won’t be enough

And sleeping in a room where you’re far out of sight

Knowing only your warmth as you leave me behind

I’ve been a fool, I know, but I can’t let it go

For the flower you left me as springtime overflowed

I’m living in this town when you’re so far ahead

Knowing only the warmth that you left on our bed

Knowing only a flower and words left unsaid

Wanting nothing but those words, I’m waiting for you…

As the sunset turns to night, I’m waiting for you…

[sharedramblings]

Recreational Activities

Summary: It's your first game session with Larissa! However, what you said made you fight for your life physically.

Author's note: I can't believe the amount of notes on that first one. I've thoroughly enjoyed reading the comments left either in the fic itself or in the reblogs made. Thank you! Truly. Now this one, I feel like Larissa's kind of OOC because I can't really imagine her playing nintendo but eh.

—-—-

You've been playing the game with Larissa for probably 2 hours now. This was the first time that she tried playing nintendo with you, something along the line of wanting to have quality time while doing an activity you want.

"Careful. Just jump righ–"

"I know, darling" Larissa cuts you off, her gaze focused on the tv screen. You were tense as you watched her character jump through the acid on the floor, letting out the breath you were holding when she succeeded. However, the relief you felt immediately ended when your character walked in on the water.

You groaned as both of you were transported back to the checkpoint.

"What happened?" Larissa looked at you, one eyebrow raised at your wrong move.

"It was the controller! I didn't do anything!" You retort. The woman beside you hummed, not quite believing you.

—

"Wait! No, no! Stop!" You yelled, but Larissa's character went straight to its doom. Sending you both back to the last checkpoint.

"Go to the platform, I'll–" you stopped abruptly before looking at Larissa. Her character went back and ultimately stepped in the lava.

—

"Wrong button. I apologize, darling" She sheepishly smiles, and you simply nod, rolling your shoulders back a bit.

Your patience was wearing thin. You've been stuck on this level for what feels like ages now. But the fact that you're finally on the last part of the level is making you quite hopeful.

—

That is... before your lover's chosen character dies again.

"Nooo! We were so close!" You let your head fall back on the couch, eyes closed as you heave a sigh.

Larissa scoffs, her glare fixed on the screen. "The amount of obstacles my character faces on this level is ridiculous!" Her patience was waiving as well.

You turn your head to her, "Not really, I think we both have the same number"

"Let's switch then, prove me wrong." She offers you her controller, her irritation still evident with the way her eyebrows are furrowed. You just shook your head.

"You were just uncoordinated, babe" The older woman narrows her eyes at you, as if thinking if she heard you right.

Truth be told, Larissa actually plays well for a first timer. You've cleared a lot of levels already since you started, and she adjusted rather quickly with the controls and the game. Maybe it's the length of your game time, or maybe it's because of the enhanced difficulty that resulted in this situation.

"Come again?"

You sat upright, suddenly feeling nervous with her question. "I meant on this level–"

"I'm uncoordinated" Larissa cuts you off and repeats what you said earlier, throwing her controller on the side of the couch.

"Babe–" Her glare made you pause. You're unsure what to do, slowly placing your controller on the table to stall for a bit.

This was when you were blindsided. Your actions were taken advantage of the woman as she caged you in her arms, her fingers immediately assaulting your waist. You shrieked with loud laughter, your body thrashing in her hold.

"Stop!" The tickles were relentless, and so were your cackles. You try to get away, but it proves to be difficult as your energy was spent laughing uncontrollably.

"I played with you and you're calling me uncoordinated? Hm?" The playful glimmer in her eyes were evident, as her hands travel back and forth from your armpit and waist.

"I didn't mean it!" You tried your best to reason out in between your laughs.

"Oh, but you were quite serious when you said it darling" Her fingers now travel to your neck, where she plans to do her next attack.

"Who's uncoordinated now?" You did your best to wriggle out of her touch, your hands firmly pushing her arms away.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please!" Your eyes were now glazed with unshed tears from the relentless laughter. Larissa stopped as soon as she heard you apologize, her lips painted in a grin.

"That was mean" you were panting as you lay your hand in your stomach, and both of you were trying to even out your breathing.

"No, what you said was mean and I only gave you what you deserve" She guides you in her lap and you happily obliged. You rest your head in the crook of her neck, your hands playing with her hair.

"My stomach hurts" Larissa chuckles, her arms wrapped around you in a warm embrace.

"What do you want me to do?" You suddenly perked up, raising your head so you could be eye level with her. A wide grin plastered on your face as your hands now cup her face.

"Kisses. Lots and lots of kisses"

Larissa relishes in the warmth of your palm, eyes firmly holding yours. "I can't possibly do that. I'm uncoordinated, right?"

You whine, pouting at her reply. You can picture it now. She will use this against you for a while.

"I'm wrong! It isn't true! You're the most coordinated person I've ever known and–" Whatever you were saying, you quickly forgot because she gave you a peck on your lips and you were instantly dazed.

"More, please" Your lover shakes her head at you before kissing you. Again, and again, and again. On your forehead, on your lips, on your cheeks, on your nose, on your temple, and back to your lips again.

She showered you with kisses, and you can't help the lovestruck smile that was plastered on your face. You can feel how warm your cheeks are with the attention, your heart doing somersaults in your chest.

"I love you" was how you broke her kisses. She smiled softly at you, her hands gently tracing your side.

"And I, you, my darling" Her I love you's always make you lightheaded and giddy, as if it was always the first time she ever tells you that. You lunged forward and captured her lips in a sweet kiss, the game long forgotten as you basked in her presence.

This is what Saturdays are for. A day completely shared with Larissa doing anything you both want with cuddles and kisses whenever you want to.

[leconcombrerit]

Last one and I'll stop bothering you, but here's the big outline of my interpretation :

An endless loop

The boys are stuck in a loop ; as Phee said at the end, even he, Jin and Tee had never left the house. I don't think they're dead. I just think them being dead or alive doesn't matter, because they will all circle back to the house in the woods anyway, and the loop will start again from the beginning of ep 1. Much the same as Phee didn't remember how they got out, they won't remember how they got back in. They won't remember much, actually. Events will replay the same way they had last time -and the time before, and all those beforehand for all we know. A neverending recreation of Non's first and only movie. But I think there's more.

If they die like Por, Top, Fluke, White and New, they're brought back to the loop anyway. Death isn't a get out of jail card. If they get away like Phee, Jin and Tee, they get brought back as well -but I think they keep a vague memory of the slaughter on a subconscious level. Not the flashbacks kind ; rather that feeling etched in your bones, something you don't even notice that still guides your moves and thoughts.

The masked figures

Time travel usually tends to get tricky since the very principle of a loop is that things already happened while they're happening, the masked figures would be the boys' own 'ghosts', or previous selves if you'd like. I made a post about it here, and another here about which masked figure would represent each character.

Tee's memories

Tee freaks out and refuses to consider any option other than the ghost of Non being out to get them. He feels guilty, sure, but he still seems to overreact compared with his usual behavior. Not that I had noticed much since we barely knew him at the time. Tee knows. He does't know that he knows, but he knows anyway. And he'll get rid of the ghost haunting him and protect White this time.

Just kidding. He failed again.

Phee's memories

Unlike the others, Phee breaks out of the nightmare by his own means. He doesn't cave in like Fluke, Top or even Tee ; he doesn't need saving like Jin. Phee escapes by convincing himself what he sees is entirely an hallucination, a certainty that allows him to figuratively let Non die and keep the ghost at bay (more about it here).

A ghost that can't appear if you're not scared ; if you don't believe in it at all ; if your mind isn't plagued by fear and clouded by drugs. Phee abandons Non again to save Jin and Tee, but forcing your way out isn't going to be enough to beat Non's curse. His mind being the clearest, he'd retain bits and pieces that would help him navigate the scene, as I mentioned in one of the linked posts. One of those memories would be that Non doesn't haunt them, it's all manmade. Second would be little things that allow him to make impeccable guesswork.

Phee being Phee, he probably tries his best to save as many people as he can every time. But hey, he failed again. And he loses even when he wins.

The drugs and the ghost

When I said paranormal and factual dimensions were intertwined, I mean you can't cut a clear distinction bewteen the two. It overlaps. Some events are both paranormal and material at the same time ; I think that's what happens with the hallucinations the boys get. It is due to the drugs, yet at the same time it is Non. I felt like the more you see him with a mask on, the less it's him and the more of a drug induced hallucination it is.

Those who truly see him are the ones Non feels the most strongly about. Tee, who tried his best but also sentenced him to death. Phee, who abandoned him when he needed him most. Jin is still a mystery but I'm working on it. And New, of course.

New was never cursed ; he is part of the curse

New who doesn't see his worst fear come true, but gets comforting words instead, even after breathing the gas. New who is yet stuck in this nightmarish loop like the rest of them in spite of being forgiven by the end of it.

As I stated here, he serves as an ally for Non. He's the one who makes everything possible. Non holds his hand with the red string of fate on. New will forever carry out his brother's revenge, over and over and again. I don't think it's such a bad fate for him. He has the time of his life anytime he takes one of them down after all.

Could they break free ?

Ultimately ? I wanna say no. I like it better that way. Non won't forgive them. But if you told me 'hey, let's make a season 2, those fuckers need to find a way out', well...

A classic would be that they need to all survive. Or that's at least something they could try (and by 'they' I mean Phee, he's the obvious hero). Keep Por from impaling himself on a branch, or keep Top from killing him. Find ways around New's plan. Get everyone to calm their tits when actual ghosts haunt their hallucinations. Good luck with that.

Another classic would be to get them to accept and face what they did to Non. No more 'I'm sorry's, no more 'it wasn't me'. Man up. Face your fear. Look the ghost dead in the eyes and take it all in. Tee especially would need to get a lot of work done before he inhales the fumes, and more again when he faces Non. He did kill him. Trying to repair his mistake doesn't change shit to that. He has to stab him or he'll stab White.

Phee would need to accept that it is indeed Non he's facing. He needs to accept that he let him die and that Non hated him for it. Phee desperately wants to be a good man, true to his word, strong and reliable. He wasn't any of this to Non. His final reaction is the right one ; he had to let Non die in that bathtub. He had to let him jump off the roof. But he has to do so acknowledging that it's Non.

And if they all do this, Non doesn't have power on them anymore. His vengeance becomes empty. Only New remains as a threat, robbed from his main weapon. The whole thing becomes meaningless and falls apart. I hate it because Non and New deserve their killing spree, but somehow I don't think a second season would go that route...

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 12: Jane, Advice Column

Jane-centric pining, Transitive Property-verse,

~700 words; 40 minutes

Jane ignoring advice about a best-friend crush for @riotsquirrrl

*

I think I'm in love with my best friend.

My friend and I met four years ago when we were freshmen and we've been basically inseparable ever since. Lately I've realized I have romantic feelings for him and they're just getting more distracting and intense. I have no reason to think he feels the same way but I can't get the idea of kissing him out of my head...

Jane will truly do anything to avoid studying for her math test during study hall. Even flip through the glossy pages of this teen magazine that must have fallen out from between the textbooks of some girl in the previous class. The advice column is really the only good part, something kind of cathartic or at least distracting about other people's problems, but then the very first letter puts the word love next to the phrase best friend. Which is probably a sign to put it away and actually take out her notes.

But.

I can't get the idea of kissing her out of my head.

Of course she did kiss Daria once, and if the answer to this lovelorn student involves a suggestion like 'try it once and see if you like it' she'll demand her money back. Metaphorically speaking. Because having the smallest and thinnest of memories of what Daria's mouth feels like against hers has only made that incoherent wanting scribbled up inside her so much worse. It makes her want to take out that memory again and turn it around and over and try to inhabit it one more time because it's the best she'll ever get. Each time it's like she remembers it a little less well.

Then she has to reach for it again, recreate it again. Sometimes she tries to remember the before, too, the moment right before when it just felt right somehow and she just knew that Daria Morgendorffer was going to kiss her, or maybe the other way around. That moment's why she's been so bent out of shape about Daria for months. Because it seemed to underscore this inevitability between them, like every school day, afternoon, phone call, shared thought, days when they were separated and she missed her, weeks when she missed her, were all about building something—

Not knowing what that something is but only the undeniability of it is what keeps clawing at her.

It's so much worse than I just want to kiss her. Again.

There's really nothing any Val advice columnist could say about a problem like this: Daria and her quiet insistence that they'll never speak of it again, not even when they're squashed into Jane's bed with Tom between them and the only sounds in the room are The Cure and their own heartbeats, and Jane almost thinks it could happen again. Daria and her presence like something that could happen.

She has no answer. There is no answer here. But. Jane really doesn't want to do math. So she skims over the bottom paragraph anyway.

The best thing you can do is approach him and be honest about your feelings. He may not reciprocate, but at least the topic will be out in the open...

Yeah right.

Sure.

She closes the magazine but keeps her index finger between the pages.

Glances around. One of the lesser football players is asleep in the chair next to her. Mr. DeMartino, on babysitting duty this period, is reading a magazine too. Probably not Val.

Jane skims over the answer again. Just be honest. Okay, yeah, easy; for other people; for girls whose best friend isn't a girl, for girls whose best friend didn't run. Isn't dating a guy already. Isn't straight. Then it's easy. But Jane doesn't need to be honest and tell her anything because, hey, she's so smart, she must already know. On some level at least. And she's still with her boyfriend and she still kisses him like that and Jane can only stand it if she thinks of him as Daria's boyfriend anyway.

She doesn't need to be honest, she thinks, doesn't have anything to be honest about, because Daria and Tom have each other and that's enough.

She takes her finger out from between the pages and lets the magazine close.

[miggydiaz]

An additional thought...

Even though Buddie still is my endgame, I am pretty sure I would've been more on board with EddieTommy than I am with BuckTommy in the short term.

Not to say I am anti BuckTommy because I'm truly not. I think in another time, they could be really good together. But honestly, I think Buck needs to not be in a relationship for a little while. It's been Abby, then Taylor, then Ali, then Taylor, then Lucy, then Taylor, then Natalia...

And one of Buck's biggest character traits is that he feels he needs to go above and beyond to make himself worthwhile of love and attention. He thinks that if he's not giving all of himself to someone/something, if he's not doing THE MOST, that he's expendable. IMO, I think Buck really needs to work on learning to love himself and accept that other people can love him for just being him, without him having to turn himself into whatever he thinks they need or risk life and limb to earn that love. And that's a journey you take on your own, with your therapist, with your chosen family and friends who have been there to love and support you... it's not something you figure out through romantic relationships.

Buck's issues with relationship aren't that he can't find someone who will love him and appreciate him for who he is. It's that Buck hasn't figured out how to love and appreciate himself first. And no romantic relationship is going to fix that. It could *help* him figure it out, especially if he's with someone who has bore witness to Buck's chronic low self-esteem and has always (although maybe not always as gently as he should) tried to dispel Buck of those notions... but in the end, that lesson has to be one that Buck learns on his own. Which I don't think he's ever going to do, especially if he keeps looking for love and acceptance from romantic partners to fill that void. I think EddieTommy would've worked better just because Eddie is at a different place in his journey than Buck is. Eddie's problem isn't feeling like he's not enough anymore. Once upon a time, it was (his conversation with Bobby after Shannon died and his devastation that before she died, she told him she wanted a divorce). But now, Eddie's issue is he keeps trying to recreate the same dynamic he had with Shannon because he thinks that's what is correct for him. He's romanticized a lot of his relationship with Shannon -- and I say that as someone who truly believes he loved her and was in love with her -- and he's trying to get back to that brief stint of time where the two of them and Chris were happy. And because that looks very specific to him, he's trying to find a woman who can slide into that place in his life. The one who makes him want to wrap his arms around her and his boy on Christmas morning, and makes his heart squeeze every time he looks at pictures of her.

But Eddie's trying to recreate something that never existed in the first place. Not in the way his brain has romanticized it anyway. Because underneath those feelings of wistful melancholy, he and Shannon still had real problems that they never worked through. Shannon knew that, which is why she asked for a divorce. But to Eddie, who was ready to re-propose to her, things were good again. If Shannon hadn't have died, I think Eddie would've realized that wasn't the case, but since she did die... he can just hold onto that idea of them. The one where things were good and could have eventually been perfect, just like things could be perfect again if only he could find a new Shannon.

He needs someone to shock him right out of that 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity' situation he keeps finding himself in, and you know who would've been really great for that? Tommy. Full on record scratch moment for him. Simply *because* Tommy is a man.

Now, do I think Eddie also has a notion that he's in love with his best friend? Yeah, I do. I just don't think he realizes that's what it is yet. Right now Buck is... Buck. The person who shows up for Eddie, and for Christopher, the person who dragged him to safety after being shot, the person who was there when he had his breakdown, the person he couldn't even look at when they were dying in the hospital because he cannot deal with that level of loss again. I think, somewhere in his mind, Eddie knows that Buck is MORE than just a best friend... he just doesn't have the vocabulary to really name what that thing is. Primarily because he's trapped in this very Catholic idea of what sex and family and romance should look like for himself.

Tommy would've been a safe person to jar him out of those notions -- that his family and his romantic life has to look this certain way because that's what it looked like before -- because Tommy already disrupts that thinking just by being a man. It forces Eddie to consider that maybe his ideas of what a perfect family for him should look like aren't the end all be all. And, if Eddie freaks out, or it doesn't work out, it doesn't hurt his friendship with Buck at all. It may, in fact, help Eddie figure out that while he's not going to have that kind of relationship with Tommy, he's already got that relationship he's been looking for... it's just with BUCK, who he never consciously considered as an option because Buck is a man. I know there's no going back now, because BuckTommy is a thing, and Eddie is trapped in Catholic hangups hell with M*risol, but the more I think about it, the more bummed I am that this wasn't the route they took. I hope Eddie still gets a queer story arc, and I obviously hope Buddie is endgame, but damn, we really could've had EddieTommy helping Eddie figure out how to put a name to the thing he's had for Buck forever and Buck acting like an insane person until he figured out that who he's really in love with is the person who always makes him feel like he's enough and not expendable, the person who accepts him for exactly who he is and indulges all of his quirks and doesn't ask him to change a thing.

[thisdykesthoughts]

Greta Gerwig's Filmmaking Has Become Anti-Feminist: My Predictions for "Feminist" Film in the Near Future

Greta Gerwig has created an image of feminism for herself. With Lady Bird subverting expectations and becoming an icon of feminist filmmaking. Once she took on the challenge of little women, she set herself up for failure.

Little Women is a beloved but outdated depiction of a group of sisters living through the Civil War. Gerwig mentions the expectation for women to end up in a romantic relationship at the end of classic stories, yet she gives us this ending anyway. At this moment, Gerwig is a subject of the creation before her. Little Women is a story that everyone knows. She is involved in a system that expects her to write a story that has been written for her. She tries her best to include feminist themes in the classic story but it ends up coming across as disingenuous. It feels like an attempt to dodge potential feminist commentary on the film before the film is ever released.

This is not entirely her fault, as she becomes involved with projects that are recreating a classic story or telling the story of a beloved doll, she puts herself in a box and becomes the system she fights against.

As Gerwig grows in popularity as a director and writer, she finds herself more and more in the political spotlight. She is expected to take on projects that have feminist themes, like Barbie. Mattel has been criticized for the sexualization of Barbie and the singularity of her body image for decades. Only recently, in 2016, did Mattel release more body types for the popular doll. This change was only implemented after a major profit crash for the toy company because of the criticism of Barbie.

Gerwig has become involved in an inescapable industry where profit is the main priority. The Barbie Movie has been criticized for its "half-baked feminism" before. But this is not what I seek to achieve. Barbie is another story that has been told time and time again. Gerwig has involved herself in a narrative that already exists. Like in Little Women, she attempts to avoid commentary by throwing in lines like "Margot Robbie is too pretty to say that she's not beautiful." This does not make the audience feel better about themselves, it does the opposite.

The Barbie Movie has victimized Barbie. Creating a "real girl" that feels the impact of misogyny. In the movie, Barbie is a victim of Mattel and their agenda. When in reality, Barbie is the product of Matel and their agenda. When their agenda is profit. all the while, Mattel is portrayed in the movie as silly little men who can't tell the difference between two blonde women. The true driver for the company has been hidden behind pretty colors and Will Farrel. It sounds silly because it is supposed to.

Greta Gerwig has dug herself into a system that by definition uses feminism as a veil to generate profit. Barbie as a company is too far gone to be truly feminist. Gerwig's involvement in the film is the only thing that keeps me believing that the film is feminist. But the more I think about it, the more I believe that Gerwig is veering further away from feminist ideas with every film she puts out.

The goal is not to "have it all" (the saying being misogynistic altogether) yet there are still the narratives that movies like Barbie are pushing out. To create truly feminist media, directors like Gerwig need to abandon the big-money deals that keep pulling them in.

Barbie was destined for failure since its conception as a film. The goal of feminism is not to make life as bearable as possible under the patriarchy but to dismantle it altogether. Yes, I am using Barbie as a brand as a metaphor for the patriarchy. Let me live. By becoming involved in films like Barbie, Gerwig is participating in the system that is capitalism. Capitalism is inherently anti-feminist. Barbie's image has always been about buying. Barbie is not all of the careers that she claims to be, she has all of the clothes for them. Since the beginning, Barbie has been about consumption. Mattel sells the idea that to be like Barbie, you should buy all of the outfits and accessories that go with whatever career you want! Because girls can do anything boys can do!

Barbie was never about encouraging girls to be whoever they want to be. It has always been about pushing out more Mattel products to children. The movie falls victim to this narrative too. The matriarchy of Barbieland is a mirror image of the patriarchy, just with women in the leading roles. This is a perfect illustration of my criticisms of the movie. Instead of breaking out of the cage, Gerwig contributes to it. A true matriarchy looks nothing like our current society. The way our society is designed is created for men.

Here comes the parallel: the way Barbie has been designed by Mattel is created for our current, patriarchal society of consumerism and capitalism. The movie is a victim of this too. As long as we create media within the confines of previous narratives and under larger institutions, the media will be inherently anti-feminist. No matter how "feminist" the director may be. No matter how many random lines they add to the subtext to avoid feminist attacks on their film. The film was never feminist. Once the idea was conceived, it mirrored the ideas of a patriarchal society; a cage that can be criticized from the inside, but not broken out of.

AN: hey! thanks so much for reading! this post was originally a twitter thread on my account @/dyke5ever if you'd like to check it out.

this post was kind of half-assed, i didnt really dive into my arguments as much as i would have liked to but i plan on writing a take on allan and why women love him as a character so much later, so i will jump into more feminist themes in that post.

[meirimerens]

what are your thoughts about tarpan and (consecutively) Heck's horse and konik polski?

i've talked about the Tarpan somewhere on here already (possibly in my #horseposting tag?) many thoughts. many thoughts indeed. for my #nonhorsey readers, the Tarpan is an extinct equine subspecies which is widely believed to be the common ancestor of most modern horses (and horse breeds). it is extinct like zip naught nada gone, and the "modern" horse we call Tarpan is either an (incorrect) naming of the Heck's horse, or the Konik polski, both being breeds that were created in the purpose of recreating the Tarpan, or horses that were as close to the Tarpan as possible. the Heck's horses were at some point believed to be descended from Tarpan directly, but we know now they are genetically real different and are mostly only outwardly similar (primitive coats and markings). the konik polski seems to be more genetically related to the extinct tarpan.

i'm fascinated by the Tarpan because, unlike the Przewalski horse which as far as we know stayed mostly on the eurasian steppe and did not make it to western europe (which is why it is believe the horses on the for example Lascaux cave paintings are NOT przewalski horses but like. a cousin. some guy who really looked like them), a morphology of the Tarpan (the forest-dwelling type) had made its way to eastern europe, to Poland (which is why the konik polski's main habitat nowadays are reservations in eastern/central europe). there are chances the horses that dwelled western europe, where i am, were closer to Tarpan than to Przewalski. while on a purely #artistic standpoint my heart will always belong to the przewalski because, as i've said, even if they Are Not the ones painted on the walls of the caves, they look so similar that just staring at these horses you feel like you are staring into time herself; the Tarpan and its reconstruction feels like reaching for a beast that's closer, both in time and in space, to the animals that my ancestors from [?] years ago would cohabitate with.

i'm always kinda... conflicted about reconstructions of extinct horses because on one hand, it is an effort to genetically reverse the harm humans have done, as the tarpan became extinct through human extermination, it is an admission of harm and hurt, and a desire to correct it; on the other hand, with the tarpan genetic material so diluted in the equine pool of all of europe, you're not recreating The Tarpan, you're trying to preserve its likeness, which is different from perserving it... some scientist whose name i'm forgetting puts it as a "fabrication of the Wild" or something of the sort. it also comes with social/political implications about myths of pre-civilization Wild, the myths of Origins/A Place Of Origins... all of that is fascinating too.

it does break my heart to know the Tarpan, as it once was, is fully and truly extinct, but all extinct species make me feel that way to be fair. it lives on, in a way (in two, in four if you keep reading this), and i guess that's the best we can do. we can't live in a world where the tarpan has not been hunted to extinction, but we do live in one where people have tried to keep it, or the memory of it, alive.

also here are some other horses who are either believed or proven to be genetically close to the Tarpan...

Carpathian [ukrainian - polish - romanian - hungarian] huçul/гуцул/huculski/huțul

Iberian Sorraia

tldr anybody to drive me from warszawa to białowieża forest to see the konik polski i'll pay you in bread. please. please. please. please. pl

[bulgariansumo]

Feeling mildly disappointed in my art as of late. I still like it, but on a scale of "Yeah, this is great! I'm sure other people will, too!" and "I can't see anyone else being interested in this but me. There's so many artists I don't measure up to..." I feel on the latter side right now.

I think it's one of those slumps that tend to happen before I find a way to sharpen my skills, but also it's kind of silly to be concerned with how my art may or may not appeal to other people. I can't control that. So I'm going back through my sketch pages for this year and looking for stuff I haven't posted yet that makes me happy.

February: I was watching a playthrough of a Professor Layton game and wanted to see if I could recreate Hinimato characters in my style. I did this about two or three time, but these of Toni and Nicky are the ones that I liked the most.

March: Here's Kenji being a little goofy, a little serious. He can do both. Sometimes. I posted these on Twitter, but I'm not sure if I posted them here.

May: Higgy's sister unintentionally asking him to collab with his rival. Anyone else asking this would've immediately gotten shot down, but her...? He'll think about it. Also, Toni in a cute sweater. I think I drew that on his birthday.

June: Unfinished sketch of an older Angelo and Emil.

July: A Leon, full of love. And some cute Roxies.

September: Toni.

October: I watched a little bit of the game Boku no Natsuyasumi. It's very quaint and reminded me of Toni, so I tried to draw him in that style. There's also a sketch of him with Angelo. I feel like if they were friends, maybe Angelo wouldn't have turned out quite the way he is. And finally, a sketch of Toni and Mai. They could not be more different, yet their friendship is so sweet.

November: Honestly, there's so many sketches here that I love and haven't posted yet, so I think I'm just gonna post them all.

A Maxy I sketched after rediscovering that "Wicked Witch of the East, Bro!" video, an argument he would absolutely start with someone, complete with the aggressive hair bouncing.

I think someone suggested that Leon seemed like a character who would wear goggles, so I drew them on him. Very cute! So cute, that I drew Roxie hugging him.

Every few years, I draw Angelo as Ron DeLite, the most Angelo-like character in all of the Ace Attorney games (as far as I know.) It's truly unreal how much they were cut from the same cloth. Also, there's an extra doodle of Leon consoling Angelo.

Finally, doodles of some of the Hinimato gang as adults, featuring Higgy trying his best to act annoyed that the people he respects most are in his personal space.

These aren't the best things I've made this year. I can't see these standing out to anyone except me, maybe some close friends, but that in itself means a lot. My characters, my art, and my writing make me happy and they will continue to do so even if I'm the only one.

[lightningarmour]

Star Trek the next-er generation part 2: the hologram

She enters the office of the ship's counsellor, and is caught off guard to see... another Romulan?! That can't be, surely she'd have known if there was another Romulan in Starfleet? Who are you, she asks, unable to mask her surprise. Oh, forgive me, says the counsellor, it's just that you're the first Romulan patient I've had, and it's a bit of a blind spot in my files. I find that typically, many people feel more comfortable speaking with members of their own species, so I thought this might help put you at ease, obviously I can see I was mistaken. The Counsellor then changes appearance to that of a human.

TNG made quite a few bold changes to the Star Trek formula when it began. Worf, a Klingon, the aliens who were the kind of arch nemeses of Starfleet in the original series, is a member of the crew! Data, a robot! Troi, the ship's therapist, and some kind of psychic alien!

Of the three, Data is most definitely the character who gets the lion's share of good material. Worf episodes are mostly dedicated to klingon politics, Troi episodes are mostly about her being bad at her job and also being the most useless psychic person in the galaxy. Or they're about her fucking mom.

Data is a much richer character with way more good episodes and character growth than either Worf or Troi are allowed to get(at least until Worf joins the cast of DS9) The crux of Data's character is the exploration of "can a machine be a person." Not the most original stuff, but done well, anyway. His attempts to become more human, his assertion of personhood, despite those who would claim he cannot be anything more than a machine an thus not truly alive.

Star Trek Voyager has it's own, largely reheated version of this same character archetype in the EMH. They really want him to embody the exact same set of ethical dilemmas and whatever as Data. Is he really a person? Does he have the right to exist, and what does existence even mean for an artificial lifeform and blah blah blah.

The difference is that Holograms, for the most part, in the TNG era of star trek are mostly depicted as simple computer constructs. Characters in stories, or simulations at best of real people. Yes, of course you have Moriarty who gained self awareness because Geordie foolishly told the computer to program a character that was smart enough to become self aware. Oopsie. And then there's Vic Fontaine, another hologram character that knows he's a hologram, but he's still a character, a host of sorts for a virtual recreational program. He starts to develop a sense of personhood after his holodeck program is left on for too long.

I personally don't really like this persistent elevation of holograms into sentient beings because it's a whole can of worms that really doesn't make any fucking sense if you dig through it for more than 10 seconds. So in voyager they get way too obsessed with this idea of holograms as people. The EMH starts lamenting the state of "hologram rights" and shit when, by all evidence there's an entirety of like 3 holograms that have ever been close to expressing self aware consciousness. But then you get the whole thing with Haven, the quaint little village full of Irish stereotypes who all start becoming aware that they are holograms in a fake construct after being left on too long.

It's like suggesting that if you fire up your PS5 and leave Grand theft auto 5 running for a week straight, all the NPC's in the game will suddenly become aware that they are programs in a video game and demanding that you treat them as citizens of the united states.

The thing is like, all of the dumb shit they do to suggest that holodeck characters are real people is never extended to say, the ship's computer. Like, it's what's creating all the hologram people, and it can perform complex functions and it even has a voice you can talk to! But nobody ever tries to argue that the ship is a person who deserves to be treated as an equal, probably because you can't fuck the ship. Holograms have faces and look like people so to the dipshit writers of Voyager, that means that they are people.

This is something I'd like to get away from. Especially with all the hysteria these days surrounding Artificial Intelligence. People have this completely overblown idea of what AI is and what it's capable of, probably thanks in large part to movies, so I think it would honestly be more interesting to have a computer character who actually behaves more like a computer program would. They perform a specific set of functions as dictated by Their programming. Let's not try just making Data over and over again.

I also don't inherently dislike the idea of the EMH. But once you consider, okay a hologram in the infirmary that can lend a hand in emergency situations, well, why not have one of those in Engineering so that when a power conduit explodes in an engineer's face, you can pop a hologram over there to fix the problem with zero danger. In fact why not just replace the entire crew with holograms? Like I said it's a can of worms.

I also like the idea of Troi. Sadly, they never knew what the hell to do with her so she got a bad deal as a character. In space, a lot of really weird, really traumatizing bullshit happens all the damn time. So it would make total sense to have like, a therapist on the ship to make sure people aren't permanently fucked up from all the insane situations they go through in Starfleet. Troi, however, was never depicted as being particularly effective or useful in the role of ship psychiatrist. I can think of at least two instances where she full on just gives her patients terrible advice, and most of her episodes revolve around her having personal issues that she has to like, turn to Guinan for guidance on. Honestly, Guinan helps more people with their problems throughout that show than Troi ever does. Also, Troi has too many personal relationships with a lot of the main cast to the point where I don't think she'd be a very objective party if they had to speak with her professionally. Also is she the only therapist meant to treat a crew of like 300 people? Does she have her own shrink she sees?

So my thought was, what if you mash these two ideas together? Ship's counsellor who is a hologram. It has access to service records and psyche profile of every crew member, it's programmed with like, all the knowledge of the leading research and whatever in the field of psychology and whatnot that the federation has access to. And it's office is a mini-holodeck so it can adjust not only the decor or the scenerey but it's own appearance so it can present the most comforting setting for people to speak about their problems.

From a sort of meta, production standpoint I also think it could just be a really fun character that you could approach two ways. 1. get different actors to play the Counsellor depending on what appearance they are taking. 2. Have one actor play the Counsellor and dress them up in different makeup and costumes for each appearance change they do. That could be a really cool role for a talented actor. I think of all the different hats Brent Spiner got to wear as Data in TNG and I feel like it would be cool to have another person like that in Star Trek again.

Computer, end program, she says. The Counsellor gives a short smile, apologetic. I'm afraid only the Captain has the authority to shut down my program, in the case of emergency. I wouldn't make a very good doctor if you could just turn me off when you don't feel like talking. Of course we can end our session at any time if you don't feel comfortable, though I'm afraid I do need to clear you for duty before you can officially join the crew, so maybe you wouldn't mind talking with me for a bit? She eyes the hologram skeptically. How do I know this is confidential? For all I know, everything in this room is being recorded and sent back to Starfleet intelligence. Do you worry that Starfleet can't be trusted? Perhaps we can try and ease your sense of mistrust if we talk for a bit. Why don't you tell me a little bit about the field of psychology in Romulan society, I'm afraid it's a bit of a blind spot in my database

Of course, the Counsellor wouldn't only be interacting with our Romulan character. Part of the fun would be giving them a kind of unique persona for each different member of the crew you see interacting with them. It could be a kind of interesting framing device for episodes where you have various crew members recounting events of missions and shit, and to get nice little expository scenes about their lives and shit.

There's one character in particular that both the Romulan officer and the Counsellor would have an interesting relationships with. For the Counsellor, he's a difficult patient to work with because oh boy does he have a lot of baggage to sort through and he doesn't particularly like discussing some of the more... complicated parts of his life.

For the Romulan Officer though, he's possibly the only member of the crew who doesn't look at her funny or whisper about her behind her back. He gives her the full respect he'd afford to anyone else onboard the ship. He'd say that when he was a kid, he grew up onboard the ship with the distinction of having the first Klingon member of Starfleet, and he had such a great time learning from Worf about Klingon culture, and isn't that what Starfleet is all about? Travelling to new worlds and meeting new people and sharing our knowledge with each other in the name of progress and camaraderie?

Yes, that's right folks, it's none other than Commander Wesley Crusher!

To be continued???

[hergan416]

Ok. So my Albert propaganda is going to be less canonical than my Louis propaganda for glasses swag was because I just can't ignore the way my headcanons make this man a PILE OF ANGST.

CW: Suicide/suicidal ideation, alcoholism, and untreated mental health problems

Like, you do have the canonical suicidal ideation/near suicide attempt when he's like what? 12? 13? Young. And all that is mentioned above. He's certainly got PLENTY of canonical reasons to be the saddest boy.

But.

In the same chapter where we get Albert deciding that instead of the world being wrong he is wrong and needs to remove himself from the world (then becomes too spineless to pull the trigger of his father's gun, and then he starts beating himself up about that ... like seriously. Albert. God. You are precious, stop), we also get some evidence of Albert's other mental health problems.

There is a reason that OCD/OCPD Albert is a common tag on Albert fics on AO3.

Because we learn that a) order and things being "right" is innately pleasing to him, and b) that the world has been rotting at the edges at any hint of disorder for longer than he's truly known about the problems of the world. And he tries very hard to do charity and help stop the world's rot... but the world doesn't work that way and his charity isn't always helpful in the ways he wants it to be.

He tries to recreate the scene in Les Mis where the Bishop gives away silverware caught being stolen, and the thief is able to make a better life on that one act of charity/forgiveness. And it doesn't work. The man pawns the silverware for weapons and tries to rob a bank, kills several people and dies himself.

The world isn't a novel. Albert doesn't have the power to change the world, and the world doesn't even seem to want to be changed.

Even panels where nothing bad is happening (like when Albert receives orders from Mycroft) have subtle darkening at the edges. Albert's world is constantly distorted by the imperfection of the world. This doesn't go away for anything except maybe William.

Now, add in the alcoholism.

Albert doesn't live in a time where OCD/OCPD (or whatever else his problem might be, I'm not a therapist) are recognized as problems. A good psychologist during this era might lock you in a psych ward and experiment on you to see what makes you worse and better (think Jack Seward - Dracula, or Sigmund Freud). There aren't psychiatric medications. There's basically no way to treat this.

And then you get Albert's canon alcoholism, where he consumes large amounts of wine so frequently that he can win any drinking contest because he requires it to function. Now that's... my interpretation of it, based on literally watching someone with diagnosed OCD do the same thing with beer. But I stand by this for Albert with my whole fucking chest. Because it seems extremely likely.

So you have that, and then you have fan treatment of the character.

Do you know how many Sherliam/Mycal fics I read where Albert romantically loves William and William only sees Albert as a brother and that is their relationship at the beginning of the story before they find their endgame partners? Because fandom goes the fuck out of their way to make Albert even more sad before giving him Mycroft Holmes. Like Albert angst is the best angst BUT HE'S ALREADY SO MUCH ANGST.

William also has tons of angst, but people always push him towards healing pretty quickly. Albert has to go through more to get his happy ending.

Hell, even in my Alwill verse where he is getting what he wants, I'm making him suppressing his thoughts and feelings re: William being forced to announce that he wants Albert to live on after their Plan is over but William still wants to die and like. Holy shit. To like, know that you and your partner have been planning essentially a suicide pact and then one wants to break it and leave you behind and goddamn alive?? There just isn't a happy version of Albert for the entirety of a story.

So that's why I think he deserves this award for saddest boy, because he is, in fact, the fucking saddest. He needs to be held..

Round One

Propaganda

Moriarty: do you ever hate the class system and have no power to do anything about it and you're suicidal but too afraid to actually kill yourself. and then you see this random orphan kid saying he wants to kill evil nobility and you're like "oh that is a great idea. i Have to adopt him and his brother into my family." and then about a year later the three of you kill the rest of your family because honestly they fucking suck. cut to about 13 years later. you and your adopted brothers have killed a LOT of awful nobility. and people are starting to notice. one of your brothers (william) gets revealed to be the lord of crime. will goes to have his "final showdown" with his VERY gay-coded nemesis/friend. the plan is for will to die publicly so people KNOW the lord of crime is gone. he jumps off a bridge into a river and is presumed dead. albert decides that the best course of action is not to. yknow. stay with his remaining brother, but instead to volunteer himself to go to prison! and that's where he stays, wallowing in his own guilt, convincing himself that everything was his fault and he killed his brother. and that's how he stays! for three whole years.

Miles: dad died when he was 9, and he believed he was the one who did it until he was 24, causing him to be a very big sad boy. he starts recovering when he finds out it wasnt him, but his personality remains mostly the same, just not as closed off

[skania]

The Final Stroke: Thoughts on Haru's conflict (+Rin)

Okay so reading all the summaries of The Final Stroke Part 1 has left me with A LOT of thoughts. About Haru, about Rin, about Rin & Haru and how all the different character conflicts will be tied together in Part 2.

BUT since I have been waiting YEARS for Free! to feed me some juicy Haru conflict, of course I'm sinking my teeth into that first because peeling off Haru's layers has always been my favorite Free! sport.

It's been a long while since I've tried to get into Haru's head AND I haven't even watched the movie yet so I'm probably wrong, but here goes nothing. As per usual, it will be long and image-heavy because I can't keep things short and sweet to save my life.

Also, it's heavy on spoilers about The Final Stroke so please do not read without reading Fencer's summary first!

AND since it's basically impossible to discuss Haru without discussing Rin and vice-versa, please do also expect a healthy dose of RinHaru.

Utsumi: Indeed; it’s a path Haruka never would have chosen himself. But despite claims that he doesn’t care about winning or losing or scoring certain times, he’s always been attentive to Rin’s presence. [x]

Please assume there's a huge "IMO" attached to this whole post.

In Season 1, we saw Haru struggle to understand that the reason for his emotional turmoil was quite simply that he wanted to swim with Rin again.

In Season 2, we saw Haru struggle because he wanted to follow Rin into the Pro world, but he felt like he didn't deserve to do so because he didn't have a dream and thus, no strong feelings about competitive swimming itself.

Needless to say, there's a pattern.

In Season 3, the series kind of took a detour. Still, it did plant some seeds, the most important IMO being the following:

"After I hit 20, I will be..."

"If you ask me what lies ahead of me, I..."

"You can't survive without throwing something away. I didn't want to throw anything away. But I lost."

"Maybe I don't deserve to compete at the global level."

Road to the World adds some extra layers to all that by showing us just what else is connected to that fear of Haru's.

Because, what do we see after Rin tells Haru that no matter what wall [Rin] faces, the one thing that doesn't change is his desire to keep swimming with [Haru]?

We see the moment Rin tells Haru "aim for the world with me, Haru!". Then, the moment Rin asks Haru what his dream is—right when Haru finally felt free after achieving the dream he had that season, that of swimming with Rin again. Lastly, we see the moment Rin asks Haru "what will you do?" when it comes to choosing between swimming in a recreational pool, or the one used by the National Team.

Every single one of these moments brought Haru closer to his dream—and Rin is the common factor in them all. So when Rin tells Haru,

It's obvious by those flashbacks alone what Haru's answer is. He, too, wants to keep swimming with Rin in that world.

But before the thought can fully form in Haru's mind, Albert flashes through it. We immediately see Haru's disposition change, and the result is the most telling of all.

Just like always, the imagery is on point. Rin and his desire to swim with him give Haru strength and purpose and Haru clenches his fist—but this time, Albert seeps that strength from him until his fist goes limp. And suddenly, Haru doesn't know what to say to Rin anymore.

Because, what Albert makes Haru wonder, is this:

From my limited perspective (like I said before, I haven't watched TFS yet), I think that might just be where the heart of Haru's issue in The Final Stroke lies.

I think a big part of why Haru wants to win against Albert so badly is probably because he wants to prove to himself that he does deserve to be in that world—like Rin. That all his friends are right to believe in him.

And he feels even more pressured because he thinks he's running out of time.

All this pressure to win—not to feel the water better or to be the best in the water he loves so much, but simply to win before he's "ordinary"—does not let Haru swim freely. He doesn’t swim like himself.

He is probably terrified of his own limits and of how close he might be to hitting them, and this fear and pressure are binding him.

Moreover, while Haru decided that he wanted to swim in that world, the truth is that he doesn’t know what the future holds for him.

He has no long-term, tangible plans. Unlike Rin, who wants to win a gold medal, Haru just wants to swim "in the whole world". This, added to the fact that he thinks he’ll be ordinary by 20 and that he has not managed to beat Albert, makes it so Haru is basically blinded to what the future can bring for him. He can’t see that sight.

Part of the reason for this, I feel, is that the series has never addressed the big elephant in the room.

What exactly does Haru get out of competitive swimming, besides swimming with Rin? Because "swimming in that world" is nice and sweet and idealistic, but it doesn't cover the fact of racing itself.

I used to talk a lot about why Haru needed to find a reason to enjoy competing even when it isn't against Rin. That he needed to find a reason to want that for himself. I even thought S3 may finally go for it, but it ended without Haru finding meaning in that "world of wins and losses", as he used to call it.

Usually, he’d look at Rin to point the way forward. And it is knowing that Rin (and to a lesser extent, Ikuya) is there fighting with him and aiming for the world as well that gives Haru some reassurance.

However, from what we know from the summaries, Haru isn’t thinking of them when he swims. He is entirely caught up on needing to beat Albert because of what it has come to represent to him.

There’s also the issue of Haru’s competitiveness. Haru spent a long time suppressing it and only indulging in it with Rin. But he has always wanted to be the best in the water—the one who "feels" it best.

It wasn’t that he wanted to win, or that he hated losing; it was just that he couldn’t simply accept that there was someone who could feel the water more than he could. (x)

So when you combine all of this, I feel like Haru has lost sight of the most important thing—that instead of swimming just to win, like it’s a job, he should swim to feel the water he loves so much and, most importantly, for the team (with his friend’s feelings in his heart).

That way, he could swim like himself and the water won’t be sad nor lonely.

This all sounds like a lot and it is. Haru is all but suffocating under this weight.

So, when Rin comes and tells him that [Haru] will be facing Albert alone—that they aren’t fighting him together, like Haru hoped for—Haru snaps.

It’s not only that what Haru perceives as the biggest obstacle to his dream (Albert) is standing before Haru (alone) and Rin won’t be there to share his struggles, but also that Rin is the reason he’s there in the first place because Rin is the one that made Haru stop wanting to be ordinary.

He’s the reason why he’s gotten to this point and the reason he came into the global stage and ran into Albert. He’s also the biggest thing Haru will lose if he can’t win against Albert—because if Haru’s dream ends, he won’t get to swim with Rin in that world anymore.

And now Rin’s walking away from swimming free and leaving him alone with this beast of a swimming machine and with [Haru’s] own limitations. And Haru feels trapped. He feels bitter. He feels betrayed. Terrified.

And, of course, lost. Because just like Rin once said, "Without you, I have nothing to aim for, you know?"

So, he snaps.

And by burning bridges with Rin, the very embodiment of "For the Team", the one person that he has always wanted to swim with most of all, the one whose feelings he was still connected to above all—by virtue of swimming together in that world, by sharing a dream—Haru now feels like he's truly alone in the water.

Haru is essentially turning his back on the very reason he swims for—in more ways than one. So, he’s becoming a second Albert. Only there to win, not to have fun.

Because that’s the thing. Haru says he’s doing it for his dream, but since he can’t see that dream clearly, he lacks direction. All he can see is the immediate future and all that stares back at him are his own limitations—embodied by Albert himself.

Albert represents, then, the road Haru must not take. Haru can’t be all about becoming stronger simply for the sake of winning—and he must definitely not do so alone. Like Ikuya said in S3, if Haru isn't gaining that strength for someone else (the team), there's no point.

So, since this is Free!, Haru needs to go back to his roots and truly swim for the team once again. But I feel like he also needs to re-contextualize his dream and truly define what it entails, for once and for all. Which, if we go by everything we've seen so far—should involve swimming with Rin.

Only then will he be able to swim freely again.

There's A LOT of foreshadowing and things from S3 that will most likely play a role in that and I haven't even touched Rin's choice to not swim free anymore, but this has gotten really long and I've run out of image slots lmao so I'll just have to ramble about those some other time 🙇‍♀️

[helloalycia]

my happy ending [two] // kara danvers

summary: the secret Kara has been putting off for months finally comes to light, leaving you both in a precarious situation

warning/s: mentions of a breakup (let's be honest, this isn't a spoiler lol)

author's note: here’s the second part! hope you like it :)

part one | masterlist | wattpad

It had been a few months since Kara and I said 'I love you' and it was around that time when things between us were moving forward. We were still going strong and I had never been in love with someone as much as I was with her. No relationship I'd had in the past was as amazing as it was with Kara – she was magnificent.

I was sure nothing would get in the way of us; we were going strong and despite small, petty arguments we'd had in the past, we'd never truly fell out over something. I couldn't imagine us doing so either, because our relationship was built on honesty and trust. What could possibly break us up?

I was in charge of all social media content for CatCo, so I wasn't one who usually went with reporters to cover stories. In fact, I rarely did unless it was to help a colleague, like now. My friend, Cara, was covering a story at L-Corp – something science-y to do with the labs. I wasn't too into the details, but she didn't want to go alone, so she asked me to accompany her.

So, that's where I found myself now, standing with Cara as she was being shown around the labs of L-Corp by a scientist.

Cara was a professional, asking question after question and digging for the nitty gritty details in which the scientist would try to avoid. It was pretty cool to witness.

"So, that's everything we're working on so far," the scientist finished the tour, stopping by some glass doors.

"What's in there?" I asked, nodding behind the scientist.

The woman glanced behind her before forcing a small smile. "That's something I shouldn't discuss."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Seriously? Now I definitely want to know."

"Look, this isn't a scrutinising article," Cara explained, her voice sounding convincing. "We're not trying to uncover L-Corp's secrets. The last thing we need is another 'evil Luthor' recycled news story."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but I still can't share what's in there," the scientist said, apologetically.

"Off the record?" Cara offered, and I could sense her curiosity, too. "We won't tell anyone. I won't report it."

The scientist seemed reluctant. "It's not a secret, I can tell you both. But it's just, you're the media..."

"Technically, she's the reporter," I pointed out, literally pointing to Cara, who smacked me in the arm.

"C'mon, we'll sign an NDA or whatever," Cara promised.

After some puppy dog eyes and pouting, the scientist (whose name I couldn't remember) gave us some NDAs to sign before finally taking us inside the glass room.

"As you know, we manufacture many different products," she explained, leading us to a desk with some microscopes on. "We're working on recreating Kryptonite."

I furrowed my brows. "That's that stuff that Supergirl and Superman have right?"

"Their weakness," the scientist corrected. "We've managed to recreate the properties of Kryptonite and can use it in case of an attack from Kryptonians."

"But the only Kryptonians we know of are Superman and Supergirl and they would never attack," Cara stated with confusion.

"Not necessarily true," the scientist said. "Remember Astra?"

"The woman who tried to kill us all at the start of the year? Yeah, we remember," I replied, shivering at the memory.

"It's for cases like that," she explained. "It's not a big deal, but we're keeping it on the down low to avoid public scrutiny. As you said earlier."

Cara nodded and began to look through the microscope, studying the Kryptonite on the slides. I looked at the green glowing rock beside the microscope, picking it up and wondering how something so beautiful looking could be so dangerous to an alien.

"Amazing, isn't it?"

I looked up at the scientist. "I guess. This stuff really kills Kryptonians?"

"Too much can, yes," she answered. "Small doses can inflict pain, and manageable doses can strip them of their powers, making them similar to a human. This piece you're holding is a highly-concentrated dose."

"Best keep this far away from National City's only hero then," I joked, feeling a tad uncomfortable that I was holding such a powerful object.

I placed the Kryptonite back on the desk and tapped Cara. She got the hint and concluded the tour.

Cara and I headed back to CatCo after and she thanked me for accompanying her to the tour. It wasn't a big deal, so I smiled and left her be to write it up, promising to give it a read before she submitted it.

I decided to head to Kara's afterwards, seeing as she was working from home today. I brought some food – her favourite, Potstickers – to surprise her, and knocked on with a smile on my face. Just the thought of seeing her got me all giddy, like a little kid.

"It's open!" Kara called out from the other side.

I rolled my eyes playfully and walked into her flat, setting the food on the kitchen counter. "What did I say about leaving your door unlocked, Kara? It could have been anyone!"

Kara grinned from her position at the dining table, standing up to approach me. "But I knew it was you and– ah!"

I furrowed my eyebrows when I saw Kara stumble over her feet when walking towards me.

"Kara, what is it?" I asked, moving forward to help, but when I touched her, she pushed me away and held the table for support. "Kara!"

I looked closely and realised her veins were glowing bright green. That could only happen if...

"Wait a minute," I said, staying stood still as she gulped hard, still hunched over with pain. "You're in pain... and that can only happen if you've been in contact with–"

"Kryptonite!" she cut me off breathlessly, before staring at me with startled eyes.

I stepped back, feeling my heart drop to my stomach. "You're a Kryptonian."

"Why do you have Kryptonite?!" she questioned, still clutching the table and cowering away from me.

I shook my head, still in awe. "I was at L-Corp and we saw some Kryptonite... but only Kryptonians are affected, and there's only two known Kryptonians on Earth... Superman and..."

She avoided my eyes and that's when my suspicion was confirmed. I felt my mouth go dry as I looked at Kara carefully. Her glasses, that was it. That was the only thing separating her from her other identity, her other life. How could I have missed that?

"I've gotta go," I got out finally, my throat closing up.

"Y/N, please wait," she said desperately, stepping forward, but she stopped herself when overcome with pain. Her skin was glowing green now and I realised that there was still Kryptonite residue on me from that highly-concentrated piece I held earlier.

I turned around and left, feeling my heart beat fast in my chest. Kara was Supergirl. I didn't know what to feel because that very fact was still trying to sink in.

I had no choice but to go back to CatCo after, needing to get the rest of my work done for today. But I couldn't concentrate because of what I'd just discovered. Kara was Supergirl. She was an alien. She had a whole other life I didn't know about.

My phone kept getting notifications from Kara – she wanted to explain herself, but she couldn't see me until she was sure the Kryptonite residue had dispersed. I didn't care about that anyway, I didn't want to see her right now. I wasn't sure what I would say if I did – she'd hidden this from me!

I thought we had something special and unique. I thought I'd finally found someone, something, indestructible. I thought I knew Kara inside and out, I wanted to believe I did. But I was wrong. She was pretending this whole time.

I went home after work, leaving a little early because I wasn't actually getting anything done. I was confused, lost, unsure what to do with this information. Kara was Supergirl. When she disappeared randomly, that's probably why. When she would sneak off with James and Winn... they probably knew, too. It seemed that everyone important to her knew. But I didn't. Maybe I wasn't as important to her as I thought.

When I reached my flat, I saw Kara leaning against the doorframe. She perked up when she saw me, clearing her throat.

"Y/N," she muttered, her voice breaking.

I wanted to ignore her, but I couldn't. I simply stared at her, noticing her red, teary eyes and puffy face that were hidden behind her glasses, the same ones that had hidden her identity. It was literally right in front of me and I hadn't noticed. She hadn't shared it with me. I was so sure we would last. A relationship built upon honesty and trust. Huh. What a joke.

"I don't want to speak to you right now," I said as calmly as I could muster, before fumbling with my keys.

"Y/N, please, I know you're angry, but I need to explain to you," she said desperately. "I don't want to hurt you."

"It's too late for that," I mumbled, swallowing down the lump in my throat before managing to slot the key in the hole and push open my door.

"I'm sorry," she said, following me inside. I rolled my eyes as she watched me with a guilty expression. "I didn't want you to find out like this."

"It seems that you didn't want me to find out at all!" I snapped at her, slamming the front door and spinning around to face her. "I found out by accident, Kara. You lied to me. You didn't trust me."

"I do," she tried, but I shook my head, disguising my hurt with irritation.

"No, you don't, otherwise you would have told me," I stated. "I feel stupid for not figuring it out sooner."

"I'm sorry–"

"I don't want to hear it!" I cut her off. "At first, maybe you didn't trust me enough to tell me, that's fine. Then we admitted we liked each other and okay, fair point, you didn't know if we would last so you didn't want to tell me. It's fine, understandable even, that you didn't tell me. But then we told each other we loved each other. And that could have been your chance. But no. You kept pretending that I actually meant something."

"I wasn't pretending!"

"If you weren't, then I would mean something to you, Kara. I would be important enough in your life to have known the truth!" I shouted, my vision blurry with tears. "You let me fall in love with you! Believing we could go somewhere when this whole time, you were living a whole other life! And apparently everybody else knows but me! Right? I presume that's why you're always hanging out with Winn and James?"

She stayed quiet, watching me with tears streaming down her face, but I couldn't care less. She was hurting me.

"Get out," I said, breathing out.

"Y/N–"

"I said get out," I repeated, glaring at her.

She nodded slowly, looking down to her shoes. "I'm so sorry, Y/N..." She walked past me, and I didn't turn around until I heard the door close.

I released a shaky breath, closing my eyes as tears fell. So much for a happy ending.

–

A lot can happen in a month, which is funny because it goes by quite quickly.

That's how long it had been as I tried to come to terms with how I felt about Kara hiding a big part of her life from me. I couldn't just forgive her and pretend it didn't hurt. The more I thought about it – which was a lot, as much as I tried not to – the more I felt like an idiot.

I was in love with somebody who I truly believed was my perfect someone. I believed she was everything to me, but she was pretending the whole time. I was convinced God was out there, letting me know not to get too attached, too safe with someone, because I would just be setup for disappointment.

Obviously, seeing as Kara and I worked in the same office, it made for, well, pretty much every day an awkward encounter. I tried my best to avoid her presence, which I thought wouldn't be too difficult, but gosh it was. It was like she was everywhere I went – the photocopier, the coffee machine, the toilets. It was infuriating, especially because I began to miss her a lot.

I had to put up with avoiding her eyes and stares from across the room for a long time. I knew she wanted to speak with me, because at first she tried to, but then she gave up and I think everybody knew. Nobody in the office brought it up, but it was obvious they knew, judging from the tension in the air when we were around each other.

And if all of that wasn't enough, it didn't help that I was reminded of Supergirl pretty much every day. She was all over the news and it was literally in my job description to tweet about her when I could. Seeing her – Kara – in all of those photos, reading about how she was literally saving people's lives... it hurt. She didn't trust me enough to tell me about all of it. Was it something I'd said? An impression I gave that made her deem me untrustworthy?

I didn't know anymore. I just knew that by the end of the month, my heart ached more and more, craving for the arsehole that was Kara Danvers. I refused to admit it at first, but when I kept finding myself searching for the blonde around the office, I knew I'd finally accepted what had happened. I wanted her back. I missed her.

It took a while to find the guts to go forward with this, but when I did, I tried to find Kara at work. She wasn't at her desk and nobody had seen her around. I did a quick search around, calling her name, but nothing. Only, when I was on my way into the hallway, I found her standing by the coffee machine. She wasn't alone.

The new-ish guy, Mike or whatever, was stood with her, pretty close to her side, his hand resting on hers on the table.

I knew I had no right – I'd literally blown her off for a whole month – but my heart began to ache at the sight. Whatever they were talking about must have been important. She was staring at him like he had hung all the stars in the sky. Unless that's just what I saw, I wasn't sure. I just knew that I hated it.

The two of them turned around when they heard me call Kara's name and I froze, meeting Kara's eyes for the first time in a long time.

"Y/N?" she breathed out, surprise in her voice and expression.

I licked my lips, backing up. "Sorry, I– sorry. I left it too late. I'll go," I mumbled, my voice breaking.

"No, Y/N, wait!" she tried, but I'd already turned on my heel and speed-walked away.

I felt my eyes tear up like an idiot as I walked away. Of course she'd moved on. Why wouldn't she? I'd wasted her time.

"Y/N, please wait," her voice broke me from my self-pity, and she stopped in front of me, eyes searching mine. "Let me explain."

"I didn't mean to interrupt," I said, clearing my throat. "You don't need to explain anything, Kara. I– I made you wait too long without saying anything. You don't owe me anything." I sucked up a shaky breath and avoided her eyes. "I've gotta go, sorry."

I didn't give her chance to respond, not wanting to hear her comfort me out of pity or obligation, and instead pushed her out of the way before leaving abruptly.

I just felt like an idiot.

–

I sat at my kitchen counter and opened the pizza box, tucking in there and then instead of getting a plate. I was tired, upset and wished today was over with.

After seeing Kara with Mike earlier on, I felt embarrassed and couldn't wait for my day to be over with so I could sulk over a box of pizza. I guess I should have seen it coming, since I practically pushed her away and gave her no benefit of the doubt. I deserved it, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt any less.

As I was halfheartedly eating my pizza slice, I heard a knock on the door and groaned inwardly. I really couldn't be arsed with the company.

"Go away," I called out, hoping they'd take the hint.

"Y/N? It's me."

I groaned loudly this time, recognising the voice as Kara's. I paused, glancing at the door, debating whether to tell her to go away. But I realised I'd have to face her eventually, and she was way too stubborn to take my word and leave.

With a heavy sigh, I dropped my pizza slice into the box and wiped my hands on my jeans before going to answer the door. Kara was standing there with a small smile on her lips as I avoided her eyes, cheeks growing warm.

"Hey," she said softly.

I nodded awkwardly. "I– er– hi..." I swallowed hard, saying, "Look, if you're here about earlier today, I'm really sorry, Kara."

"No, you don't need to apologise," she was quick to reply. "It wasn't what you thought, I–"

"You don't need to explain," I cut her off, finally lifting my eyes to meet hers. I didn't want her to explain it. "It's your business. I shouldn't have assumed anything."

Her eyes softened as she clearly had more to say. "Can I come in? Please?"

I would have rather ended the conversation there, but the part of me that missed her deeply was telling me to let her in. Next thing I knew, I was stepping to the side and letting her come in, hoping she couldn't hear the racing heartbeat in my chest.

"Mike isn't just the new guy," she said when I closed the door. "His name is Mon-El. He's an alien."

"Kara–"

"He's an alien and I've been helping him to settle into living on Earth," she cut me off, continuing hurriedly. She held my gaze, not giving me chance to interrupt. "Supergirl has been helping him. That's all it is. That's all it'll ever be."

I pressed my lips together, nodding slightly to show her I understood. Her shoulders relaxed and I felt a bit more at ease now myself. She wasn't moving on. Or at least, not with him.

"I didn't know that because I pushed you away," I admitted, frowning. "I didn't give you a chance... I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise," she insisted, shaking her head.

I smiled sadly. "I get it could be too late, but–"

"It's not too late," she said quickly, eyes glistening with hope. "I... I was waiting."

I felt butterflies in my stomach as I felt my embarrassment return. "I needed time, that was it." I sighed to myself as I began to pace uncomfortably. "It was silly, really, how I didn't realise the truth. Everybody else knew and I... I should have known."

"Don't say that," she said, and I felt her hand grab my arm reluctantly. I stopped and faced her, seeing her shaking her head. "I didn't mean for you to feel like that. It wasn't your fault, Y/N, it was mine. I should have told you. I wanted to tell you."

I couldn't help but feel betrayed again. "But you didn't."

She let go of my arm and frowned. "It just happened that Winn was the first person I told. And James already knew because of Superman. And then I wanted to tell you next, but being Supergirl was hard at first. It was demanding. And being Kara with somebody who didn't expect anything more was nice. It was selfish, but I had you. And I wanted to tell you after, but I was scared. And once again, I was selfish because I knew I was falling in love with you and I didn't want to scare you away because of this lie."

I swallowed the lump in my throat as she searched my eyes for something.

"It got out of hand and I was in way too deep," she admitted regretfully. "You won't believe me, but I did want to tell you, Y/N. But now you know. And I know you hate me, but I wish you didn't because I am truly sorry I ever hurt you. I never wanted that."

"I don't hate you," I told her, eyes glassy with tears. "I don't think I could hate you even if I tried, Kara."

"I love you," she whispered, a tear slipping from her eye.

I couldn't stop myself as I pulled her in for a hug, squeezing her tight. I had missed her so much and to have her back in my arms was a blessing, even if it hurt me at the same time.

"I don't completely trust you right now," I muttered truthfully, before pulling away and holding her close.

"I understand," she said, nodding and sniffling.

"But I love you, too," I added, knowing that deep down I couldn't stop. "I want to be with you, Kara. You mean too much to me."

She seemed confused as she furrowed her eyebrows. "What does this mean?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'd like to start again, but go slow. I still care about you and seeing you with Mike– Mon-El– whatever, made me realise that I can't see you being with somebody else."

"I'll earn back your trust," she promised, tucking a strand of her behind my ear. "I never meant to hurt you."

"I know you didn't," I said, grabbing her hand and kissing it gently. "And I know you will."

She smiled through her tears and I felt my heart beating quickly again, glad I had her back. I moved forward for another hug, relaxing into her arms as she squeezed me comfortingly.

We'd get through this. She was still my happy ending, Supergirl or not.

[historygeek14]

https://www.wattpad.com/1264299296?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_on_publish&wp_uname=HistoryGEEK14&wp_originator=XOynLDyWYMALS%2FWSSELD0GjEuyx%2BHFJepuBJa%2BgG4LfLsiC5BtR%2Fk11GcGn6GI6%2FX%2FRMXnhFhMT%2BFrHIkE4NpV1KOVDcgSi89LcSMjq%2FMs73yeExWRmwWDAk4IOUcLV%2B

I wrote a fanfic about Robin Buckley . It’s an Robin X OC with more than one OC. In this fic my twos other OC’s will be shipped with Steve and Nancy . Because Nancy needs a bad bitch for her to completely dominate and Steve is just hopeless and needs a stable love life . The description will be right down her so have fun. It will start in s2 and on to s4 , because I want Lori ( Main character) to not just be Steve’s sister or Robin’s girlfriend but her own person too. So yeah here the Intro in the book:

Loraine Harrington is an it girl , and she's been one all her life . She is always striving for success and always achieving it.she basically has it all rich parents , perfect grades, pretty face, humor and charm . There wasn't anyone in Hawkins who didn't know her name , she was friends with everyone , she was a known problem fixer , she was also so easy to talk to she always knew how to  make someone smile or what to say in stressful moments .

People love her or maybe just the idea of her 

Everyone wanted to be her or be friends with her, Just to have a taste of what it was  like to be her . They all thought that she had everything It wasn't ,all that was just a facade , a mask she wore to protect who she truly was because if anyone were to find out what or who she was , she would be called a monster and a .... FREAK .

The thing about Lori Harrington was that she wasn't completely a Harrington ,she was left at their doorstep , as a baby . she was one of the few children Dr. Brenner tried to recreate which  went wrong , her birth mother was able to get her back from the lab after finding out about Brenner's sick twisted plans . 

But after  a few weeks she realized that she wasn't stable enough to take care of her anymore . Money was tight and taking care of a child wasn't easy or cheap . She didn't want her to grow up an orphan like her , so the orphanage was out of question . So her mother did the next best thing  she could think of .

Though she was a surprise to the Harrington's ,they still loved her to bits , And she did them .

Steve and her always had the best relationship ,they were the best of friends , though polar opposites they still had this amazing connection .  At first she didn't always feel like she  belonged ,  after finding out she was adopted . He always reassured her by telling her that she was his sister and that she  was part of the family . That Blood or not he'll always love her .

But ever since high school Steve wasn't the same anymore ,the popularity got to his head , causing them to drift apart and him to become a douche bag . Though he convinced her to hang out with Tommy H. and Carol , To try and fill the void between them . it just wasn't the same anymore . She felt alone , like no one truly saw her  . 

Except her best friend Tabitha Sinclair . These two were attached at the hip ever since the 5th grade, Tabs outrageous personality and Lori's calm soul were like yin and yang. 

They first became friends when some jerk was making fun of tabs hair because she wore her Afro that day , and she stepped in and said  " You're just mad cause she makes an effort to look good ,while you can't take 2 seconds to brush that mess on your head " she said crossing her arms trying to look brave enough to intimidate him  .  Not the best insult be hey, After that they were the best of friends .

After her parents became  too busy with work , her father became quite the jerk , after he took on the role of a raging workaholic . So she spent most of her time at the Sinclair's , basically becoming part of the family. Her and Erica got along really well  , after they bonded over my little pony , Lucas introduced her to the party one night after , during one of their sleepovers. They really liked her so they had her babysit them a few times .

After will went missing she was devastated , Her and Tabitha were on the case trying to connect the dots with Nancy and Jonathan . After finding out about the demogorgon, Eleven , the lab , her life turned upside down ( see what I did there) . she started to question her whole life , all thanks to......  

006

[fruti2flutie]

extra notes (potential spoilers ahead!!!):

written for seungchan fest 🐺🐶

the title taken from "you'll never know" from the shape of water (2017) soundtrack, sung by renée fleming

i literally Did Not rewatch this movie. i wrote it using my memory of watching it several years ago, the wiki synopsis, and Summer Vibes. also, the power of seungchan 🩷

the multimedia format was inadvertently inspired by one last stop by casey mcquinston. i didn't realize that's where i got the idea from until i cracked open the book (which i have not finished yet asdfghj) and saw that the beginning of every chapter has some sort of headline or text media!! i have horrible memory lol i think using different formats like pics or headlines just a fun way to tell a story that's not the actual writing, if that makes sense?? it's another way of setting up exposition that isn't just Text hehe

my first fest fic...!! i get very worried at deadlines so i tend to stay away from fests bc i don't think i'll write in a timely manner. but out of curiosity i glimpsed thru the prompts & this one caught my attention 😳 i went back to it like... five times before making the decision to apply, and then hit the ground running 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

I HAD NO IDEA HOW LONG IT WOULD GET!!!! i outlined pretty much all the scenes, debated between a chapter format vs oneshot, figured out the media interludes... what i ended up with (30k oneshot) felt right in the end, and pretty on brand (i.e. i only know how to write long fics 😔)

i feel like i see a lot of chan being a creature in fics, so i wanted to flip the script & make seungmin the non-human entity. a fish? an alien?? who knows what he is!!!! he's very interested in bang chan, maybe to the point of imprinting??? it's an intellectual & emotional connection that just... happens. love 🩷

after LMB got announced & the ties zionism got exposed, i was very very very hesitant to continue working on this fic. i might've been 3/4 done with it at that point? it was pretty disheartening as a fan, and writing felt.... bad for a while. i did my best to avoid any & all content regarding the collab, and i'm doing my best to stay informed. a free palestine is more important than kpop & streams!!!!

making up seungmin's youtube history was one of my fav parts!!! the shu and tree dog grooming youtube channel is sooooo comforting to watch, i'm glad i found it 🥹

the time period of the original movie is set in 1960s, and since i'm never too into researching for fics i tried to make a setting that was more comfortable for me to write. i chose modern day! more specifically, the vague pacific northwest lol some references are for real places (e.g. tiger sugar, the puget sound, etc.) while others aren't (e.g. bayleigh's bayou, gangnam grub, etc.).

elisa, the main character of the movie is mute, with damaged vocal chords. she doesn't communicate with The Creature verbally at all. in contrast, i wrote HoH!chan to pay homage to her with telepathic!seungmin so i could write their dialogue more smoothly. chan's rambling is so important to me, and i don't think i would be able to write him unable to speak his mind.

seungmin's "dick compartment" legitimately was what convinced me to bump this fic from Mature to Explicit 😳 i had to explain it 😳

the climax of the story may have been inspired by a werewolf boy (2012). it damaged my young heart & i can't tell u how much i cried watching it,, hopefully i was able to recreate an ounce of that pain??

while making the media interludes made a Significant Mistake that i have no idea how to fix & therefore will live in this fic forever. if anyone catches it, i'll audibly cry to them. truly. for reals.

i didn't mean to include all the skz in this fic tbh... like, hyunjin was gonna be an even lesser side character!!! but i loved writing him into a bigger role, and it really can't be a fic by me unless all of them have an appearance 🥲

speaking of: minho is the kind of significant other that makes sure changbin always smells like clean linens 🥰

moonlight & memories

summary: Chan discovers– Well, no. He finds– That isn't exactly right either. Maybe the moon goes full, the stars align just right, and he feels an impossible, otherworldly connection. He meets Seungmin, and falls into the deep.

pairing: seungchan (seungmin/bang chan), minor background relationships

rating: NC-17

posted: june 1, 2024

———-

Something is there. Undeniably, something is there, in the tall grass. The movement is too irregular to just be from the fan's wind. Closer to the light is a shadow. An indiscernible figure. Something.

(read on ao3)

[babylooneytoonz]

Summary: Your first meeting with Sergeant Barnes wasn't exactly charming, hell, it was a disaster. And the only adjectives that came to your mind when you thought about him were words like prick, bastard and a jackass. He made your life hell, and you lived to make sure you made him suffer. And neither of you realized, how your sole mission of tormenting each other became the most important part of your life.

Warnings: Bucky Barnes continues to be an ass // Reader has finally has it // War declared

Coffee Stains - Masterlist

Coffee Stains

Your anger still lingered inside of you like a deep rooted worm, even after you had stepped into the warm soothing shower, after your encounter with whoever the fuck that man was. You were still annoyed, and you were sure as hell worried that your mood might end up affecting your performance at the training today. You stood in your room, the pads of your feet nestled onto the feathery carpet that adorned the floor of your apartment, semi dressed when you heard Friday.

"Miss Y/N, Captain is here, waiting for you."

You frowned, wondering if it was already 7 and somehow, you had lost the track of time, but you noted that it was still 6: 40 pm by the clock.

"Thank you, Friday," that was the fastest you had ever gotten into your yoga pants, pulling it over your round bum, the elastic strap stinging against your soft fleshy belly as it hit it with a slap. The towel still rolled over your hair, you ran up to the door and flung it open, only to see Steve standing there with two people you didn't know of and who were probably newbies like you.

"Y/N, how are you holding up?" Steve asked in soft voice, and somehow you found your previous anger slowly melting away.

"Great, Steve. I thought I'm late on my first day," your lips now crept upwards in a grin, and Steve just shook his head, his hand flying to the back of his head as he ran his fingers through his blond locks.

"I thought I'd introduce you to the two of them, they were the only ones I could find lurking in the recreation room, so I dragged them here."

"No, you did not, I was the one that insisted I wanted to meet the newbie," the dark haired girl just winked playfully in your direction, and you couldn't help but snort at her words when you saw Steve's face turn crimson like a cherry.

"I'm Wanda, well, people around here might call me stuff like the Sokovian witch and all that, but when they're saying that, consider it is me they're talking about." The woman threw out her hand towards you, her hand extended in a shake, and you took her hand, feeling a comfortable warmth radiating from her. Wanda then turned towards the one to her right, and smiled, "Well this one doesn't talk much, but you'll like him."

"Hello Miss Y/N, my name is Vision, and I have taken it upon myself to welcome you to our team."

"Thank you Vision, it's my pleasure." You shook his hand; the little meet and greet causing you to temporarily forget about the man; the stranger you had met in the kitchen a few minutes back.

Steve's thick voice reaching your ears caused you to turn towards him, and you saw him looking at the trio of you with a small smile playing on his lips.

"Well, I'll leave you guys to it– " He took a step away, his front turned towards you, but his steps moving backwards until he was now a good distance away, " Y/N, I will expect you to be at the training room in ten minutes." With that, his heavy footsteps retreated away, until you couldn't hear him anymore, and you were left standing with Wanda and Vision, on your doorstep.

"Around here, punctuality is the key. And in general," Vision began.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

Vision and Wanda lingered around in your apartment for the next ten minutes along with you, talking to you about the life at the Avengers Towers and how you got used to it once you had started adjusting.

"After a while, it feels like you are living with your roommates, except the fact that they all are superheroes," Wanda chuckled, as she watched you place your glasses away and pull out your contact lenses and fix them into your eyes.

Exactly nine minutes later, you left your apartment, and slowly started making you way towards the training room with your newly found friends, who you realized just couldn't stop bantering and talking amongst themselves; and it was cute, not in a way you felt left out. The three of you made your way to the fourth floor, and towards the training room when Wanda and Vision finally parted ways with you as it was time for their own training as well, leaving you alone.

It wasn't long before you reached the training room, but before you could step in, you heard muffled voices from the inside, until you strained your ears a little and an automatically induced frown found its way to your forehead.

"What's gotten you so grumpy today, Buck?"

Steve.

The other voice that replied wasn't one of the voices you really wished to hear again.

"What's with Stark hiring all the weirdos found in NYC? I can't believe my best tshirt got ruined."

"Come on Buck, it was a tshirt. And besides, I'm sure it was an accident."

"Who the hell cares what it was, if I was Stark, I would have fired her lousy ass right away."

"Buck, language."

You couldn't believe this piece of shit was still stuck over what had happened that afternoon. You couldn't say you had forgotten about it, but atleast you were acting all grown up and weren't bitching about it to anyone. And here he was, bitching around with none other than your mentor. This day was getting worse and worse, and you internally begged to call it a day and disappear into your apartment so you could peacefully spend your night curled in that soft, mushy pillows and the silken sheets.

You cleared your throat, intentionally, so you could announce your presence and as if on cue, Bucky's head snapped in your direction and his scowl widened, making him narrow his eyes at you.

"You again? The hell you following me around for? If you're here to apologize– "

Steve's eyes widened when he sensed the tension slowly rising in the room and it wasn't like he was daft. Having put the two and two together, he understood now that the person responsible for putting Bucky in this foul mood had been you, well not intentionally.

"Buck, easy. She is our newest recruit. Thank you for being on time, Agent."

Bucky took a double take, his eyes raking over you, in a very obvious way; and not in a sexual kind of a way but in a way to believe that he was truly shocked. This annoyed you even more and your fingers clenched against your sides.

"You got to be kidding me, punk. She can't even walk straight while holding a darn mug of coffee."

That's it, you had it with him taking continuous digs at you.

"You know, you deserved it. And now I wish it wasn't just coffee but something way worse. Probably horse piss," you literally spat and if it wasn't for Steve who had now fixed himself in front of you, blocking the two of you from slamming anything you could lay your hands on, into each other's faces, things would have gotten messy in the training room within seconds.

"Bucky–" he warned, his palm outstretched towards him, glaring at him, "we have to train now."

He then turned towards you, his expression reflecting a bit of disappointment in his orbs, "Y/N, I expect atleast one of you to be sensible, and if not, then cordial, he is a senior in here."

It suddenly clicked in the back of your head. You had watched the coverage of the Battle of Triskelion on TV. So, this was him, that ass, Winter Soldier. Of course, this man had issues, like really serious ones. But that didn't excuse the way he was behaving with you. But also, you knew that Steve was right. There was no point in engaging with him, so you decided to just be cordial, if it meant not having to deal with his shit anymore.

"Fine." You grumbled, almost under your breath.

Running your hand through your short shoulder length (Y/H/C) hair, you finally walked up to where Steve was standing, already in the Captain America mode now.

"Today, we'll test your hand to hand combat skills," you heard him say and you nodded your head, zoning out all the unwanted presences in the training room, although you could feel Bucky's piercing gaze on you. You knew he wanted to watch you fail, and falter but you weren't going to give him a chance.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

Sweat drenched down your face, dripping off your neck, as you shifted the weight of your body and threw out your fisted palm towards your mentor, with a sudden looping overhand, but Steve managed to block your punch, his own aim now towards your nose. Your reflexes had kicked in, causing you to duck at the right time and block his punch, at the same time managing to knock him off his feet with your foot thrown out.

Captain America was hard to beat, but so were you.

The distance had once again taken its place in front of the two of you, and the two of you were ready for another round, and you were glancing at your opponent, analyzing what he was thinking, what his next moves were. He was subdued, the weight of his body shifted to his left, his eyes narrowed at you, probably ready to attack, but you couldn't be sure; maybe he wanted you to attack first, and then he would counter you.

Suddenly, he lunged at you, his fists aimed in an attack and you had been wrong there, to study his body language, and even worse, when you let yourself get distracted when you heard a low, meenacing and annoying voice reach out to you, "Agent.. are you sure you can see Steve, because you don't seem to have your glasses on. Not that you know where to go even with them on."

Your eyes flew to him in disbelief and your mouth curved into a perfect O, making you lose your fighting stance, and your guard. Steve was already fast, and when he heard Bucky's taunt, he tried to shoot him a sharp glare for distracting you, but he couldn't stop himself, he was so in momentum, his heavy palm cracked against your abs, throwing you away, down on the mat with a force you didn't think was possible.

Steve threw his hands in the air, as he rushed over to you, kneeling down beside you, to check if you were alright, but you gave him a tight lipped smile and nodded, sitting upright, shooting Bucky a glare.

"I didn't know they taught you these cheap tactics of distracting people back at the army, Sergeant."

Bucky smiled, leaning forward slightly, so his elbows were resting against his knees, his lips stretched into what looked like an evil smirk.

"Weak people always find excuses, one way or the other. You let yourself get distracted."

He stood up, with slow steps, walking over towards you. By that time, you had lifted yourself off the mat, and your hands had flown to your hips, your neck held upright. Bucky stepped onto the mat, moving in front of Steve, who had opened his mouth in protest, but hadn't yet said anything, until Bucky was in your face, giving you a stare down.

"This is the real deal. I don't know where you came from or what you did. But this is the real deal. There will be real enemies, and they will do everything on their part to distract you. There is no room for weakness here."

Suddenly, a feeling of dread washed over you, it wasn't exactly dread, but it was something else all together, like a sudden burst of adrenaline , perhaps provoked by his words, but also because of his close proximity. You hadn't realized till that moment, and perhaps, neither had he, but he was so close, you could feel his hot breath on your face which caused your eyes to involuntarily fall over his lips for a second, and then back up, until you caught him smirking down at you, probably basking in his little mountain of victory.

You only thanked Steve inwardly, when he suddenly stepped in, breaking whatever this moment was, when he grabbed Bucky's palm and pulled him away from you, his eyes now on him, a look passing between the two of them that you couldn't decipher. Maybe it was a best friend thing between them, something only the two of them knew of.

"Buck, that's enough, she was good, and you know she was."

"I agree."

When a foreign voice sounded in the room, the three heads involuntarily snapped in that direction, only to find Sam Wilson leaning against the door, a half eaten apple in his hand, and his mouth moving as he was chewing on it.

"What?" He shrugged, his voice sounding unclear as his mouth was completely stuffed, "that was the Captain that she just fought. And I am impressed."

Your expressions softened, and a smile broke out on your lips and you nodded towards Sam, who nodded back with his eyes twinkling at you.

Bucky shrugged and finally, he let his shoulders relax, and shot you a quick look, "I don't think so. I think you just went soft on her."

You scoffed in disbelief, biting your lower lip to bite back from barking back at him and moved away from the mat to grab a chilled bottle of water that lay on a table. Your fingers worked on the bottle and at the same time, your eyes remained on Bucky, and Sam who had now joined the two of the super soldiers. You could see that Steve was trying to knock some sense into Bucky, tell him how he was just overdoing it, but Bucky just deadpanned, his glare fixed on you until he again took a dig at you, and this time you couldn't take it.

"Did it hurt? That blow to your –" He pointed his index finger towards his abs, that cocky smirk still draped over his lips,   "Now maybe that's payback, for almost burning me a few hours back."

His words caused you to almost tighten your grip on the bottle, the grip so hard, the plastic of the bottle almost shrank. You took a deep breath, taking one step towards him, slowly, before your pace rose, and you were striding towards him, your eyes brewing with anger. The bottle was still in your hand, the cap laying abandoned on the table, so when you were sure you were at a close proximity from him, you tipped the bottle, letting the cold water drain through his tshirt, right on his abs, drenching him completely.

"There you go, I think it won't burn now, I feel I should have done that hours back, atleast you wouldn't be crying about it till now."

Steve closed his eyes, his palm flying to his face as he swiped his hand over his face. He knew that things were going to get murky now, and things had gotten out of hand, which is why his grip on Bucky's arm tightened. Bucky was seething, partly in rage, and partly due to a sudden flush of what he could only name as embarrassment, while Sam was openly smirking at what he had just witnessed.

A woman had managed to shut the Winter Soldier up, and how, with cold water right on his burns.

Today was a good day.

(Feedback is appreciated. 💗)

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[dreamylyfe-x]

Woah boy here we go ok. I need to tell you about my feelings for Bound. Which I have been meaning to do for literal weeks, but I read it so quickly the first time I wanted to give myself a slower second read through in the hopes that it would help me form some manner of coherent thoughts to offer you about why it is so brilliant.

I regret however that that strategy does not seem to have worked. I started a little notes doc with thoughts for each chapter and it began with full sentences but then as I went on and got more pulled into just reading the story the sentences turned into mere collections of words and then single word exclamations. The last note I have is jaaaaamiiiiiiieeeeeee!!!! And after that I gave up the pretense of taking notes at all and just let myself devour.

I think it is perfect?? Perhaps it is a perfect piece of writing???

From the outset, the very beginning of the prologue it is so visceral. Your descriptions of feelings are so physical, that the whole time one of them is in pain, I also feel that I am in pain. And so I feel like I have spent quite a lot of the story in pain, but the phenomenon of that makes me feel that I am so closely connected to both Ian and Mickey and I love it. And likewise when they are feeling joy or desire or relief. God the relief! It starts in that first reunion they have at the Kash and Grab after the gun incident, every second of that is filled with this wonderful release of physical tension, and then it simply escalates from there. I can't begin to describe how effectively you manage to convey the experience of having an emotion as part of your physical body, and how that is heightened by the soul bond aspect of the whole thing. Incredible.

What else? The world building! Heavens. I have read not that many soulmate AUs, but in terms of creating and explaining the rules of this adjacent universe where soulmates exist and endowing it with history and prejudice and letting that all just bleed into and across the story, you have eclipsed every single one. I totally buy into this parallel history and the nuances of opinions and variety of bond experiences and antiquated terms for gay bonds, it's all a very rich tapestry and I think you've done an excellent job of weaving it.

I am so here for a story that follows the canon without exactly recreating it. There are so many moments where you can pick out specifics from the show that are reflected or echoed, but are in a different context or setting, and yet manage to create that same feeling. And it's great because it's like a little easter egg, a little hit of recognition, but also is original in its form and serves its own purpose within your story. It connects us to Shameless without binding us into it and it is very deft and I enjoy it immensely.

We also have to talk about characterisation. Which. I actually don't know if I can talk about at all eloquently but you have to know that I am enamored with it. Ian and Mickey, but equally MANDY my beloved, who is sharp and brutal but also caring and so willing to help. I really like Ryan, I feel like you totally have that guy's voice, even though we knew him for only a few short moments, and I like that you made him not at all a predator. These kids need some adult advice once in a while! Which leads me onto Veronica. Best Aunty I love her, she is perfect.

But mostly I am just in awe of how you have written these versions of Ian and Mickey who feel so true to who I know them to be. I appreciate so much this Mickey who is accepting of his feelings for and connection to Ian from so early on, but that you haven't transformed him into someone who is really very soft in expressing those things. He is still motivated by fear and that fear makes him hard-edged, even when his insides are goo. And I love your Ian, who is sunshine itself, but also so much more alone than he ever is in the early seasons of the show because he isn't able to be out even to Lip really. His relationship with Monica is so heartbreaking and his descent into his loneliness and into resentment and feeling like Mickey doesn't care, all of it feels like something I could have been watching on the show.

That thing that Shameless does where they give you a little moment of pure wonder, and then follow it up by socking you in the mouth, it's that. You've captured that.

I swear there is so much more I could say but I feel that would be maybe concerning and you might take out a restraining order. But honestly I have been thinking about how to write this more succinctly for days and I couldn't come up with a way that could accurately convey how excellent I think this fic is in less words than I have used.

In short though, I love your writing and this work specifically and am very invested in reading the next chapter and all of the chapters after that.

🖤 Howl x

Hello! I'm slow! I'm sorry about that!

I'm also blown away. This whole thing is amazing and makes me grin like an unhinged person. But I sometimes am like "should I reply privately or is that rude?" -- I think I landed on that it's rude (so apologies to people I've done that to) and I apologize for my neuroses.

So first of all: super glad you like Bound. Super glad you have feelings about it! Totally love that you tried to make notes -- it's truly amazing that you'd make that kind of effort over it. Much love. 💕

Bound started life as a one-shot so sometimes I’m momentarily surprised when people talk about how the story starts in season one. I’m glad you enjoy the relief because I feel like it’s the emotion I write with them the most and a lot of times I’m like “I hope this doesn’t feel repetitive…” (though. Not a problem in recent chapters I guess). But. A bond under threat has a euphoric quality when they get to be together.

Also, because it was a one shot I didn’t expect to have to do much world-building, but that’s maybe one of the things I have the most fun with. Like tonight I was doing the dishes and starting wondering about how, exactly, things work when you bond with a psychopath. These are the things that haunt me.

I like the idea of the socio-economic impact of soulmates, so I very much want the other characters to continue their canon journeys. It’s maybe a little pessimistic but I see enough situations where we decide something that occurs naturally is wrong and must be fixed for me to think that people would accept the actual rules that seem to exist around soulmates without wanting to shape them into something else.

So happy you like the characterization! I’d never written Mandy before the one-shot but I immediately loved her. And I love wiring so many of the characters. Iggy. Fiona. DEFINITELY V. So glad you enjoy Mickey and Ian, too. I don’t think absolute security in a relationship is entirely possible for Mickey — but also, even knowing that he’s bound and that Ian loves him, it can still be really uncomfortable for him to be open about everything that means to him. I also, since I will probably never write a 3x12-4x07 fill-in fic I really wanted to get into Ian and Monica. That relationship is so interesting to me.

I don’t know who these people are who look askance at people taking the time to tell them they really like their work ARE, but I assure you I am not among their number. Truly so grateful for this. Thank you for your time, your attention and your really kind and thoughtful words. It truly means so much to me.