#I kind of just fucking hate this country
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God I’m so fucking miserable
#a girl I had an internship with in like 2016 who I don’t know that well#just posted like LOOK MOM I MADE IT TO AUSTRALIA!!!!#and alllllll these pictures of her here#In the same town im currently living in and in the same place I spent time on the drive here#and she just looks absolutely fucking STOKED like so purely high on life#and she’s traveling alone too and seemingly spent her whole life wanting to be here too and it just#it just really put into perspective how fucking SAD I feel due to everything#sad sad sad sad sad like that level of happiness feels like a parallel universe#and we’re in the same fucking TOWN#it sucks to know my bad gut feeling was right#it sucks to know I could be that happy but im not#and im not simply because the universe chucked every bad coincidence possible straight at my head#I don’t know what to do to get my spirits back up#I just don’t#I don’t know what to do to put myself back on the right track#I feel so beat down by life it feels impossible#I don’t feel like myself anymore#I kind of just fucking hate this country#and I can’t believe I feel that way when it’s the concept the entity I have loved the MOST#my entire fucking life#it’s not fucking FAIR#I’m just out of steam#I want to see a kangaroo and be happy I want to drive with the windows down I want to go on little road trips#I want to not have the crushing weight in the back of my mind of a $4k repair bill on every purchase I make#cars are like a sacred safe space to me and I want to look at my car and not feel devestating and fucking rage#I want to have had a pleasant Australian Road Trip up here#I want I want I want#I want the new eyes I once looked at this place with#I’m tired of the anxiety I’m tired of it all
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#I also think american exceptionalism and their bizarre cultural one-way street isolation plays a role#i think it's different if you actually see other countries as equals and see that they have female leaders and realise that it's#not going downhill it's not solving everything it's business as usual and it's just another boring fucking politician#and this makes the gender of the candidate LESS (not saying no) issue people obsess about or feel a need to discuss#(e.g. people laying into the appearance of female politicians? certainly misogyny. making jokes about cooking and shoes? definitely too#but I feel like that was more a 'gotta insult these fucking politicians' and gender being one of the targets when people want to do that)#but if you're the US and giant parts of the populace think they're the specialmost extra complicatedest country in this our planetworld#the fact that it works for so many other countries takes a much lower priority#because 'yeah sure a woman can govern a....'checks notes' Fineland and United Kingdom of England or Germanland'#but the US of freedom? we got a red button and what if she's on her period!!?! We are a REAL country!!'#not to mention how deeply entrenched the idea of the US as being CONSTANTLY under attack is and the president as the PROTECTOR#and that protector needs to be daddy of course#i also think the different attitude to leaders plays a role#because a part of misogyny is how much people love to HATE women - to sink their teeth into them and demonise them for every flaw#so any country that has some kind of weird worship of their leaders or sees them as some heroes or extra-class of person*#in my opinion might have a harder time to elect a woman because the moment a woman becomes a candidate#you just have to find the right flaw to go on and on about to make the population absolutely hate her or question her competency#meanwhile the general slack we cut men means they can do whatever but somehow still be compatible with that concept of leadership#(*not just the US ....though a lot of other countries with similar attitudes to their leaders are not standing out as democracies tbh)
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We're watching Eurovision because we love it, and we love Jewish people 🇮🇱💖 Hope this helps you antisemitic asshole
Equating condemning a genocide with being antisemitic is kind of fucked up, don't you think? Maybe don't use bigotry to defend bigotry. And hiding behind anon while spreading your hate, yikes
It's not virtue signaling when it's a boycott, and yea, I get that it's a thing that people enjoy, as I stated (I guess I don't know what you are responding to, since you hid behind anon, so maybe you didn't actually see much of my opinion and just decided to go on the attack?). But that's kind of the point of a boycott. It's not virtue signaling, it's not holier-than-thou, it's listening to the people suffering and following through with their requests. Sure, you can watch it, but you have to sit in the misery of being a scab. I'm sure it's worth it. Unless you're Palestinian, I don't really see why you get to lament about the "sea of terrible-ness" and how this thing that is hurting Palestinians is your only escape rather than something that is less hurtful. Like reading a book. Or touching grass. Have you tried touching grass? Again, yikes my cowardly anon, yikes
#eurovision#free palestine#im an atheist so i cant say equating condemning genocide with antisemitism is in itself antisemitism but it sure feels that way#you hate slavery therefore you hate people of color kind of fucking take#like fuck you man#thats such a shitty take#but yea boycott eurovision and eyes on rafah#this isn't over and people still need help#as second coward put it there are A Lot of fundraisers that need attention and regardless of your home country there's someone you can call#or email or whichever and just constantly pester them
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unfortunately, there are no universities in my area that offer courses in becoming a gotham villain
#they only offer courses in the next country over and i'm just not willing to commit to moving there if i'm being honest#my dream job is inconveniencing batman but in a catwoman kind of way and not a joker kind of way#i fucking hate the joker#the scarecrow#jonathan crane#im low-key in love with the scarecrow#batman#gotham#gotham rogues#gotham villains
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the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something
#WHAT AM I DOING!!!!#i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch#too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun#no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point#trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this#WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!!#there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time#my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me#my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job#i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time#i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again#and WHAT DO I WANT!#THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY!#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!#anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed#delete later#i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious)#versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected)#i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want#ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you#i miss that i want that back#whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go
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olympics are all fun and games until you see how the people in your country shame the olympians that don't score, and suddenly all your hard work and your dream prospect of going there slowly diminishes as you realise that this might happen to you too if/when you reach there
#olympics#maan#I just hate how people are so medal-centric istg#like#do you have any fucking clue what it means to be an olympic athlete?#it took fucking guts and hard work to reach there#yet you from your lazy ass couch find it suitable to shit talk the people representing your country just because they didn't score#the actual genuine fuck?#and I just found out that apparently this is everywhere in the world#not just in my country#and I don't know how the fuck we can hope for a better world when the people themselves are like that#nationalism be damned— just be kind to your fellow human beings#that's literally the fucking barest minimum#fucking hell imma stop#paris 2024#paris olympics
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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please remind me to not fcking talk to my mom in a nicely way again
#tw vent#she wants to manipulate me UGGH I HATE EVERYTHING#i want to leave my house forever#im gonna scream#im gonna find a new home no matter what#never talk or interact with her like i used to do#she wants to control everything about me#i have mommy issues ddy issues and a third secret thing#she is mad now because I DIDNT DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED UGH#my other sibling barely does what she wants to avoid conflict with her#BUT SINCE IM A LITTLE WE ARE ALWAYS ARGUING#im gonna leave this fucking country omfg#i dont have that kind of relationship with anyone just with her#i hate it here#im here to FUCKING BREAK AND DESTROY the generational cycle im not going to become a fucking mother in my life#i dont want to be married plus i dont like men im not going to have kids#im not my mom im not my mom im not my mom im not my momim not my mom
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what’s a fun fact about you that people may not guess
i am not anyone's idea of athletic. however since my social circle is like 90% other honors student orchestra losers, i technically qualify as a jock given that i have six years of experience playing field hockey
#i was a goalie though. jysk. lest you think i was actually running around like a fit person or something#sasha answers#infinitelytheheartexpands#i wasn't bad at it actually. though my 12th grade season was squandered by my fucking coach who never let me in varsity games#my team was shit and my teammates hated me. i don't think i ever had an unqualified Great experience playing with them.#by some miracle though i came out of it all actually enjoying field hockey as a sport#both as a player and a spectator#and to this day it's the only sport i've willingly gone to see professional matches of#and will actively sit down and watch the olympic matches of#though they don't often get broadcast here because field hockey in the us is not taken seriously and our teams rarely make the olympics lol#so if i want to watch i'd have to stream it online at odd times. like a netherlands or australian match or something#though the upside of the sport being kind of small in this country outside of specific regions (like where i grew up)#means that going to see literally the us national team play on their home turf is great. the crowd is modest it's not cramped or too loud#lots of fun. too bad they moved their home base though and are no longer in driving distance for us to attend games. oh well#my sister was always way more into field hockey than me. she played in college as a recruited athlete...i just played in high school#mostly cause i had to. but i still somehow enjoy the sport anyway#which i can't really say of any other major team sport#not the ones i've tried to play anyway
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thinking really hard about logging into my old tumblr acc after being gone for like a year and a half cause i stumbled upon a post that led me to my old mutuals and i teared up a lil </3 but also i feel so ashamed i left without saying a word to anyone aaaa
#like i genuinely feel so bad for simply disappearing from people's lives :c#i used to talk to some of them daily and like even had plans to see one of them on holiday to another country?? like that level of close#and then well my mental health went to shit i took a semester off uni and disappeared from my irl friends' lives too for a good 6 months#some of my mutuals had my ig and we followed each other but i also haven't really been there much since dissappearing last year so#but i just snooped into some of their accounts and seeeing what they're up to made me want to talk to them sooo bad#everyone was so cool and kind and i miss them so much it's just i feel so guilty and also don't even know if i'm able to mantain constant#contact and conversations with people now. like it's been even hard for me to stay in touch with my irl friends aaa#why must my brain hate me so much and not let me socialize !! i used to be such an extroverted person what the fuck happened!!#i know some of them messaged me worried and i felt so guilty for not responding but i saw those dms when i was very much deppressed#so i never answered and now i feel like it's too late GOD!!#anyways at least it was nice snooping and seeing how they're doing i genuinely wish them only good things they're fucking great#maybe i just need to suck it up and just go back and talk to people again but i get so overwhelmed just thinking about it!!#okay it's like 4 am i'm posting this and maybe deleting it in the morning sorry for the rant i just am feeling a lot !!
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okay but. why does it seem like 24 year old majima’s ridden a horse before. why does he talk like he has Experience. what is this lost lore
#rambling#we just gonna gloss over this#to me this either implies he’s from either a REALLY country background Or on the other end of the spectrum (my personal belief) and he’s#from an upper middle class to well off background and has been to like horse camp or horseriding lessons or something in his childhood#oh man please i love the image of an 8-14 year old majima being made to do horseriding by his parents because hes this#lanky pale ass kid who needs to do SOME kind of sport or something#and boy would he Hate it#he’s bizarrely prodigious at a Lot of the (especially technique based) things he tries canonically so I imagine he wouldn’t actually be Bad#at it after some trial and error but. he’d still fucking hate it. and his cool persona in his head would be riding a motorcycle or something#instead cause that’s Way cooler to him#man I have so many thoughts about young majima I really gotta go into depth on it soon#oh yeah just a note: part of the reason I don’t think he’s from a country background is cause his Real Accent canonically is#a tokyo one which he’s still getting the hang of covering up with a kansai one when he’s 20. meaning there’s not a ton of time for him to#have adjusted into a Tokyo one or something prior if he hadn’t grown up there#so I’m pretty damn sure he’s from Tokyo#that + a number of other details that make him seem to me like he grew up with a more formal education#and ywah blah blah blah#majima#Yuki#sunshine siblings#y0
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ngl i think i kind of was a genius for being like 'yeah this character is a scary killyou cannibal scary killer who scary kills you' and then realizing that the way my worldbuilding works out is that there's a nonzero chance that if you leave literally any body parts over they can just come back, depending on what they believe in their heart of hearts can kill them. Of course she'd start eating her kills. She probably tried normal stuff first and then realized it didn't work and she had to try harder if she wanted to actually keep them dead.
#red rambles#im working on a character who i made up years and years ago and wasnt even happy with then because he didnt seem to have enough like#interior thoughts he was just like a guy who killed people when he was stressed and his life was constantly stressful and then he killed on#person too many and they were like 'this is fucking untenable and he has to die' and then they killed him#which is soooooooooo absolutely nothing honestly. Like it works as a barebones summary but i want to stress there was actually straight up#nothing else there. the entire rest of his whole whatnot was just being entangled with Haven who is a different character who at the time#ALSO felt unsatisfyingly lacking in interiority but at lesat he had really complex motivations and action flowcharts. that werent just 'i#get grumpy and i just go kill some random person with no regard for what the consequences will be and then i am so mean and i kill you'#now theres a lot more happening. i really didnt. like.#okay so i had a Backstory worked out but it was vague because i didnt know what the fuck he WANTEDDDDDDD right like. i had no motivations a#literally all except 'oohhh i kill people ooohhh i like killing people ooohhh im erratic i kill people' and the background i HAD was like.#Upper class scion of some rich family whose family honest to god just did not like him very much and also [gestures vaguely] i guess he#maybe kicked dogs or something and then he ??nebulous timeline meets haven and then kills his sister or kills his sister and very quickly#thereafter meets haven but i usually lean toward the former because haven LOVES convincing people to kill their whole families its like#cathartic for him because he would love to kill his entire family but physically cannot do it. but like kind of the implications of this#as far as i was concerned given this is set in the mid 1800s was like. ehhh he's getting away with this because he's rich white and male an#it pays to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions or w/e. a genderswap means that she'd be subject to a lot more scrutiny on basis of like#misogyny. LOL. and i already had the preexisting 'hates half sibling' (i genderswapped the sister into a brother because why not) and 'hate#parents' and 'parents strongly dislike her' and 'unsettling' and it worked nicely to start giving me actual fucking. Literally anything to#work with there. because it means that by going off with Haven she walks out of one situation where she has like 0 agency into another one#and like to be clear i respect anyone who is sitting around in haven's general vicinity for snapping and just starting to kill people. me t#but this works. SOOOOOOOOOO much better for real#im still working the kinks out but like also this means that she wins. she wins like multiple times actually. she comes closer to killing#haven than anyone since he learned what fucking species he was and causes him more trouble in the interest of getting the FUCK out of there#than anyone else has and then she fucking gets what she was going for against literally every effort haven could've made over ~five decades#get owned loser.#every time i draw her i cant help it i write some shit like PLEASE JUST GET DIVORCED on it even though i wrote the fucking narrative i know#it will never fucking happen and thats why she does all this shit instead#in another world she'd be like the wildly capable owner of Raytheon 2 or some other shit like that. like she'd never be a nice or good#person but she wouldn't be dead. god she could be in charge of a country or some shit. Alas. Please get divorced.
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i really don't think it's possible to have productive conversations about mental health without addressing how truly unlivable a lot of places in this world are becoming
like sometimes people have mental illness that can be helped with therapy and medication, but sometimes they're just having a natural reaction to the Horror of it all and the only true remedy is for life to suck less
#sorry bummer post#it just feels kind of empty watching influences talk about how important mental health is to them#and citing like....... the crisis text line lmao#all CTL has done is leave me waiting for hours and misgender me#i know i also have a different perspective than some bc my living situation is a fucking nightmare#so it is really hard to even have a moment of peace#but unfortunately i'd rather be here than barely surviving out on my own#also i live in america so there's that#i'm sure there are other countries where the govt doesn't hate its citizens and actually wants them to thrive#and i know there are countries that have it much worse than we do right now#but i think people here acting like nothing's wrong is what really bothers me#like it's not 'bad enough' yet for most people to acknowledge it#so people just talk about 'the mental health crisis' and blame like. smartphones#ness talks
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I should just clean my room and take bath or something
#that would help me feel better im sure i think#and maybe eat but i dont want to eat rn#snack time#uhh but i hate all the snacks there are#even the snacks in this house arent for me wow#and she knows i hate them too lol#and then she gets mad when i say theres nothing and says well you shouldve got some!! WITH WHAT MONEY. BRO OH MY GOD SHE MAKES ME WANNA PULL#all my teeth out i cannotytttttt#and its not like we go out she uses that stupid app and then cries about it costing more on the fucking apo like yeah no duh#i like going out too so idk why she blames me for this kind of thing#ohhhh we never go outttt. well yeah. i have no money for transportation or food. tf u want me to do#i dont even have a map. you wont recharge my goddamn phone#then you cry about wishing there was a man in this house like ok. maybe you should just help me out a little most of this shit i could do#what is your problem!!! die. well this is all discounting the fact of my social anxiety and language problem but like. i can push through#you make me do that all the time anyway so#whatever#i dont know anymore this just pisses me off#i wish i could burn this whole house down#or blow up this entire country yeah
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USians you will be distressed to know that in the UK far right people use Trump flags, MAGA hats and even confederate flags to signify their allegiances to each other.
#saw the first 2 today#and have unfortunately seen the 3rd in the past#there was a massive right wing march in london today#i dont even know what the catalyst was-labour getting elected? reform not doing as well as they wanted?#either way it was FULL of the above and more#plenty of england flags- outside of international football this is basically always a racist thing#but also a TONNE of union flags#and a notable amount of welsh scottish and irish#is this some kind of right wingers unite across the country thing?#then there were a few flags from other countries in europe and also notably israel#tonnes of the lest we forget ww1 soldiers and poppies flag which is another right wing rallying point#though like country flags it isnt automatically one#going back to the trump thing- it would be tempting to make fun of MAGA used in the uk (and i did)#but its obviously the sentiment (make our country great again in a non specific way that's probably about hating immigrants)#that matters here. not being able to vote for trump doesnt bother them they just want to emulate him and support politicians that do#one guy even had a goddamn trump 2020 flag ffs#like yknow the election he LOST#anyway it was fucked i hate all of this#but it did make me think about the right's allegiances and values#both overt and hidden
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worlds teeniest tiniest vent but i think all transphobic lawmakers should get their balls put in a panini press and get run over by cars so perfectly that their pussies get roadburn actually. they don't deserve happiness or respect and i hope they all die <3 <3 <3 <3
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#if a future employer sees this: this is slash silly#slash joking if you will#anyway point is i am the worlds specialest little guy and i shouldnt have to decide what colleges im going to#based off how deadly the state is.#fuck that man.#i shouldnt have to deal with bullshit like this because i was born and had the audacity to try and be happy and comfortable in my own skin#anyway im fine i just had to get into a small argument with my mom by accident this morning and i hate fighting with her shes too kind she#doesnt deserve it#if the country could stop the genocide pretty soon thatd be kinda pogchamp or something. idk.#i am genuinely fine now btw dw 👍 we all good just felt like i needed to get this off my chest or something#^_^
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