#I just think it’s easier to map out since I don’t know anatomy

[fae-sdv]

WIP WIP WIP

Thinkin bout my anxious boy bein anxious and I think it’s fun to save his glasses for very last

[whaliiwatching]

Caught up to the fic!! Absolutely fascinated by all the queer/punk/poc history here, since I don't know much myself. Very sweet chapter as well.

Unrelated question - mostly - but why is it common fanon to depict Noir as the more scarred up of various spiderpeople? Naturally everyone has their fair share of fights, though the only we see sustaining any marks is Peter B and his misaligned nose. Personally, I've taken it as Noir Peter not healing as cleanly due to it being Spider God stuff over Weird Radioactive Healing Factor stuff. Thoughts?

thank you so much!! i’m glad you liked it, & hope the ending was satisfying for ya <3

short answer: hot

long answer, plus a map of my idea of noir’s scars: under readmore :)

i’m not a devout spidey comic/movie fan or a doctor. this is based on conjecture and minimal research!

when i came up with my unmasked noir ideas, i wasn’t influenced by fanon—i hadn’t seen any other fan art, not even when itsv came out. but i can think of a good few reasons that scarred noir is a popular headcanon: evidence of what he’s been through makes him feel more tangible/relatable, the visual difference enhances his thematic individuality as distinct from other spider-people (especially other Peter Parkers), self-consciousness can explain why he doesn’t take off his mask in itsv even around other spiders.

all perfectly valid and interesting reasons! but the first two reasons are doylist and the last one is missing a crucial question: why does he have scars? unless a wound is severe, gets infected, or gets lucky, it won’t usually scar. facial injuries especially need to be really bad to leave a mark. and of course most if not all other spider-people have the healing factor. so what gives??

i like the spider god’s curse influences healing factor idea; it opens up some nice angsty possibilities regarding an inability to Be “Fixed;” no matter how much he tries, he can’t erase/forget what’s happened to him. but i also enjoy the bandaging someone up after a fight genre of fic, and am annoyingly pedantic, so my personal working theory is that the healing factor is not a doctor with ten plus years of experience and an accurate understanding of human anatomy. when a bone really badly breaks, it has to be reset or it’ll heal wrong. to me, the healing factor doesn’t know what ‘right’ is, only ‘fast’ and ‘effective.’ it’s an accelerant, not a substitute for medicine.

so let’s establish the baseline. modern spideys either receive modern medical attention or the injury is superficial enough that they don’t require it. even poverty-stricken peter parkers get rushed to the hospital, because fictional doctors Don’t Care About The Money and/or peter is dolled up in spider gear and who’s going to ignore a visibly beat-up celebrity hero?? plus i honestly believed peter b’s nose was just genetics or smthn. my nose is misaligned and it’s never been broken to my knowledge

to compare, noir lives in 1933 and, far as i can tell, doesn’t rlly garner the same fame and respect from the public as modern spideys do. in the 30s, medicine was meh (they had x-rays but didn’t rlly consider radiation much of a threat, penicillin was still in its infancy, polio was a huge threat, etc) but was also, more importantly, far too expensive for most people suffering during the Great Depression. whatever treatment noir receives after a fight, if any, would look way different from ours. that means his healing factor, which can’t differentiate scars from normal skin or a misaligned bone from a whole one, would be inefficiently assisted or left alone. it would leave its history behind.

on the infectious disease side of things, it’s probably much easier for even noir to recover from less physical ailments like the flu and pneumonia—spider healing factor likely remembers and codes for immunity better than regular immune systems—but without modern drug therapies he’d still be worse for wear, ie internal scarring. mans would have a shorter-than-average parker lifespan if not for the pseudo-immortality of the Spider God

anyway. all this to say, here’s my personal map of parker’s scars. crop tank and daisy dukes to keep tumblr off my ass <3

(tbh this is more for my reference than anyone else’s, i’m sick of looking through my art of Just His Forearms to keep my details consistent, but maybe someone will find it interesting lol)

[creative-crybaby]

Cross-Hatching

PAIRING: timeskip!Akaashi Keiji x fem!reader

GENRE: fluff

TAGS + WARNINGS: none, as far as I'm aware

WORD COUNT: 1.5k

SUMMARY: An eye-catching stranger on the train soon becomes your muse when you take out your sketchbook and pencil.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: omg no smut???? Who is she 😩😩😩

© creative-crybaby, do not repost or modify

Train rides to work would be more tolerable if you weren’t shrinking your entire body to make room for the dozens of people crowding in. 

You’re usually lucky when entering; the transit only carries a few passengers when you first enter, and you find yourself a seat. It isn’t until a few stops in do the train doors open to anyone who needs it, and your eyes glance at the map as if it’ll pass any time. 

You’re ten stops from your destination when he enters your train car. 

A tall figure with a briefcase and a cream coat makes his way through person after person, lucky enough to catch a newly vacant seat near you. Three seats across from yours, to be more precise. After making himself comfortable, he takes a deep breath, running a hand through tufts of onyx hair, trying to clean it up. In a rush, you assume. His attempts do little to fix the mess, but you think the slight wildness suits him—juxtaposing how he carries himself.

You have to draw him.

Practicing anatomy is something you try to do whenever you can, and while drawing strangers isn’t unheard of, you can’t help but feel like you’re intruding. When they’re letting their guard down, someone they don’t know turns that fleeting moment into a memory.

But what they don’t understand is that an artist doesn’t view it like that. And with the stranger sitting only a few seats away, why not take that opportunity?

You’re quick to take out your pencil and mini sketchbook, flipping to a blank page to scratch shapes upon shapes for a human base. You occasionally glance at the map to calculate your remaining time, not wasting a second as every scratch of graphite on paper becomes more and more life-like. 

Seven more stops. Your rough sketch is complete, and you erase excess lines and circles of a skeleton. 

Five more stops. You fill in the darker spots with cross hatches, creating definition to his cream coat while adding to the mesmerizing mess that is his hair.

Three more stops. Barely done with the shading, and now you move on to all the little details, from the light hitting his glasses to the almost unnoticeable downward curl of his lips. Not upset; just pondering. 

One more stop. You rise from your seat, forcing all hesitation out of your system with every step forward.

“Excuse me,” you push the volume into your voice. Blueberry eyes shielded by thick-rimmed glasses peer up at you. 

“Yes?” He hums. You almost forget your reason for approaching him, his gaze and soothing voice tempting you to carve every detail into your memory.

Not knowing how long time has passed since anything has been said, you hastily hold the drawing out before him. “I just wanted to give you this.”

You could have said more; you probably should have. Easier said than done when your words jumble around in your head, away from your planned sentences that never got to leave your brain. 

The organ then shortcircuits when you catch the corners of the stranger’s lips tilt upwards, his sharp eyes softening as he takes your creation. 

“You drew this?” As gentle as his voice may be, you could hear it over the bustling of the crowded train car, your surroundings almost tuned out to give him your devoted attention. You don’t trust yourself to speak properly, so you nod meekly. The ravenette hums again, his focus returning to your portrait of him.

“I’d do a better job if I had more time,” you stammer, suddenly talkative. “I hope I didn’t weird you out or anything—sometimes I like to draw people when I have the chance.”

“No, no,” he insists, peering back at you. “I’m just flattered, is all.” The stranger adjusts his glasses before adding, “Had I known I would be a model, I would have cleaned myself up a bit more.”

You giggle airily: a joke, it must be. “You’re still plenty pretty to draw.”

Your words register with a slap as soon as they leave your lips, and your eyes widen. The man’s expression copies yours, with a soft pink tint caressing his cheeks.

A woman’s voice announces your stop, and you think the gods finally decided to show you some mercy. You barely stutter a goodbye when the train comes to a halt before pushing past whoever stands in your way. 

The exhale that leaves your lungs comes out like a squeak when you find your way out of the metro. The opportunity to breathe presents itself as the crowd disperses, heading to the exit or their next train. You join the former group, your interaction with the stranger playing on a loop as you climb the stairs. 

“Excuse me.” 

A hand lands on your shoulder when you make it to the top. You squeak, whipping your head around to confront the culprit.  

Your muse stands before you, his eyes widening ever so slightly in concern. 

“Oh,” you relax. “It’s just you.”

“I’m sorry for startling you,” he retracts before holding out his other hand. You turn around to face him; in his hold is your sketchbook. You subconsciously clutch your bag, feeling the emptiness those one-hundred-sixty pages filled. “You left this behind.”

You take a moment to process his words before hastily taking your book back, a string of apologies leaving your lips. “Missed your stop to give this back to me, too.”

The man shakes his head reassuringly. “This was also my stop, actually.”

You two are still at the top of the stairs, hoards of people passing by during your pause in time. You don’t hear whatever they’re saying to each other or on the phone, nor do you notice the impatient ones who emphasize their movements when they walk around you.

“That’s good.” You don’t know what else to say. 

“I also thought I should introduce myself,” he continues, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I’m Akaashi Keiji.” You nod, noticing his fingers fidgeting in their intertwined hold. You almost wonder what they’d feel laced with your own before responding with your name. “I figured I should tell you after you took the time to draw me.”

The man–Akaashi–offers a light smile. Even as stoic as he appeared in the short amount of time you’ve interacted, there’s a soothingness to his voice that has you relaxing your shoulders. 

“Right,” you chuckle in embarrassment. “I meant to just give you the drawing, not the whole sketchbook. My bad.”

The stranger shakes his head reassuringly before taking his first step forward. You subconsciously follow him toward the exit, eyes remaining on his portrait. 

“I figured as much,” he says, stepping away from the door to let the others pass, and you follow him. He looks down at the sketchbook. "I didn't want to take out the drawing, just in case."

A light breeze fans your face as the sun’s glow kisses your skin. If it weren’t for your new acquaintance standing in the way, you’d have to squint just to see ahead. It’s also here that you realize this is most likely where you part ways, and you refrain from frowning. You selfishly wonder if not bringing it up will make him forget and keep him around. Unfortunately for you, your boss won’t care for your pretty-boy-meet-cute excuse. You mask your sigh of disappointment as any other deep exhale.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to take any more of your time,” you tell him, clutching the strap of your bag. “Thanks again for returning my sketchbook to me.”

“It was no problem, really,” Akaashi insists. “If I could bother you a little more, could you hand me your book and pencil, please? I promise I won’t take long.”

You wouldn’t mind even if he did, but you don’t voice that. Instead, you do as he asked, waiting as he flips through the pages until he stops at one and lightly scribbles something down. Your new acquaintance returns the sketchbook to you with that same page open: it’s the one of him you drew not even ten minutes ago, and next to his head is a series of numbers in between dashes. Your head snaps to look at him once more, eyes wide and face warm.

Akaashi smiles gently. “You’re not obligated to agree to anything, but I’d love it if we could meet up for coffee sometime.” When you continue to stare in bewilderment, he quickly glances at his watch. “I’ll have to leave now, but your portrait of me was a nice start to my morning.” His body slowly turns the other way. “Have a good rest of your day.”

“Wait!” you exclaim before you can stop yourself. Akaashi halts his movements. “I usually give my art to the person I drew. I won’t be able to call you if your number’s on your portrait.”

The ravenette turns his head to face you again, a soft smile gracing his lips and a sharp glimmer in his eyes. “If you want, you can give it to me on our next encounter.”

He leaves you standing there with another goodbye, your feet planted on the concrete, face blooming with heat and sketchbook in hand. 

© creative-crybaby, do not repost or modify

[satohqbanana]

💘 any aveyond ship :)

Hi anon! Thanks for the ask!

Since I technically don't have any other hidden writing for any kisses (beyond Nic and Lestari, but I'm still too shy about that one and there's no way I'm rewriting that right now), I'm treating them as prompts for my now new series, "Anatomy of a Kiss".

Also, you know what they say about farming land; you gotta rotate crops and sometimes lay fallow the soil. Larshen as a focus is yet to be on the horizon of the near future.

💘 fake relationship / mutual pining / dared to kiss

A/N: A surprise crack pair in the lesser-celebrated installment of the franchise, and an AU version of which? Yeah, why not. This thing is very much the result of having too few fandom friends in this already very niche fandom to talk to.

AO3 Link

Oh and a few details to consider before reading this:

This takes place in the future beyond the events of ADF. This is the real Anne's AV2 AU.

Iya has had sufficient time to bond with Ishtar, so the blessing left in her is that of compassion. Her time in Shaenlir also helped her gain some degree of astuteness as a princess, an identity as a citizen of Shaen, and an understanding that her family's affections are very conditional whether she pleases them or not.

Nicolas (and Uthar) was born as an heir to a dual magic goods shop and smithy (blame Lars and Rhen for that). His family is not too wealthy, but they help out their community from time to time. He's wary of strangers and is picky with who he befriends. After getting kidnapped and taken to the mainland by his brother's enemies, Ean bails him out and essentially buys his service.

At this time, Iya's received the blessing of love from Ceri and Ean's recruited Nicolas.

(LINE BREAK)

After setting foot on Ava's ship, the smell of salt and slime became their norm.

According to the map and her crew's estimate, it'd take three full days for them to reach the next island over. They would restock their supplies and get a dose of the earth over at Bogwood, then they would travel three more days to Shivendale.

Iya found the calmness of the waves to contrast strongly with the tumultuous weather that overtook the continent. It wasn't just the dark icy clouds, but also the atmosphere among the peoples of the Mainland. So many of them cursed the princess of Shaenlir – herself – whose disappearance incited the Snow Queen’s wrath. Mentions of her title made her shiver, and she was only too glad to be far from the Sultan of Seri and his barrage of insults.

"It's nice to be out here."

The man beside her said. Iya smiled.

"I agree."

She took a deep breath, before facing the green-eyed healer whose presence filled her heart with joy.

"Nicolas."

His braided hair swished about as he met her gaze. “How’ve you been, Princess?”

“Much better, my Prince.”

They chuckled.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this situation,” Iya said, “I wish things could’ve been easier.”

“Then we should make things work, don’t we? You can’t hide forever, after all.”

Iya closed her eyes and nodded. “…and I can’t keep running away, either.”

Because of her, people were hurting and suffering. While they played family for a mere while, the Snow Queen was more of a mother than her own womb-origin. The powerful woman once welcomed Iya with loving hands, listened to her sighs with abundant compassion, and remembered all her likes and dislikes.

Recovering pieces of her shattered soul was tiresome. Mobilizing a resistance army against Shaenlir was horrifying. But, accepting the cruelty of the gentle warmth she found in the icy kingdom she once called home? That had been the most grueling task of all.

A big, warm hand covered hers, and Iya found Nicolas’ eyes filled with concern.

“…I’m fine. It’s nothing.”

Nicolas shook his head. “My brother always tells me, there are wounds only time will heal. I think that’s unfair. I don’t like seeing the people I care about suffer.”

“I see his perspective, but I agree more with yours. There must be something we can do. I’m still the Princess of Shaenlir, after all. I don’t want to hurt my people. I don’t want to, to impose justice on…” Iya bit her lips, hesitating. “…on the Snow Queen. I don’t want to leave them up to Fate, but I don’t know what to do.”

“I think you can always go back. You are the Princess of Shaenlir. That hasn’t changed.”

“You think they’d want me back?”

Nicolas nodded, and Iya squeezed his hand.

“I can’t do this alone. I know the way royalty works. I need allies – strong ones. Princess Ella is quite sympathetic to our cause, but I don’t think she and I could stand head-to-head with the Sultan of Seri, should he have, um, certain concerns.”

“What about Thais?”

That was a surprise. Thais was a fort city with a strong and healthy military force. Nicolas never knew much of it, but his lineage traced back to its throne. While it hadn’t been a kingdom for a while, but if Nicolas or his brother were to present them the sigma ring…

“You speak as if you are a prince of Thais.”

Nicolas chuckled. “I could be.”

“You could be.”

It would be nice. To start with, he had the appearance of one. His long face had a proud, straight nose. He kept his hair neat in a braid, and he stood confidently in his tall body and his long limbs. Had it not been for the faded cloth over his physique or the cracked orb that hung from his neck, people might’ve noticed his regal features and mistaken him for a monarch.

The only problem was that he had reservations about reclaiming his birthright in Thais. Nicolas came from the small and unassuming continent of Fiortise, after all. He only agreed to be their healer in exchange for financial aid for his town.

“It’d be nice if you could be a prince. You care. You listen. You’d be a great leader.”

“Not as great as Uthar, I think.”

The mention of his brother made Iya frown. “You don’t have to do it alone.”

“That’s true. In their prime, Great Grandma and Great Grandpa were co-leaders to their own merry troupe. Their strengths and flaws complemented each other quite well. But where am I supposed to find a trustworthy partner?”

Iya pondered if she had simply mistaken the meaning in Nicolas’ words. His eyes never left hers, and her heart thrummed in her chest. She could take it as a mere jest, but she could indeed interpret it as a favorable coincidence. Perhaps he, too, enjoyed her presence and thought of her as a delight to his heart.

She opened her mouth to speak, but a voice in the distance distracted her.

“IYA!”

Ean called. The atmosphere between her and Nicolas suddenly dissipated. He let her hand go and took a few steps back.

"It seems like I took up too much of your time." Nicolas turned his gaze back to the sea once more. "I'd be delighted to hear your thoughts again later."

"…later…"

Ean yelled once more.

Iya could give Nicolas her thoughts later. There are wounds only time could heal, after all. The path to recovery, however, could afford a few slivers of hope and happiness here and there – such as right now.

She grabbed his hand and held her breath, suddenly unsure of what she wanted to do, how she wanted to tell him of a plausible and obvious answer to his previous question. Their gazes once again locked, the splash of the waves accentuated the pause, and when she knew it, Nicolas had a handful of her hair in his fingers, his other arm around her waist, and his lips over hers.

Iya trembled. It must be shock. Or disbelief. Or joy. He was strong – had he been hiding that under his rags? He was, he was kissing her!

She wriggled her arms, maneuvering them through his firm embrace to hold his face. This was real. The scent of herbs and the earth that clung to him eased her into the reality of this gesture. She closed her eyes to enjoy its sweetness. She sighed and she whimpered; she could fall to her knees in the languor of this intimacy.

They parted with red faces and heavy breaths. The excitement made Iya dizzy, and she would love to make the moment last longer, to be even closer to this very man who could be her prince.

Ean’s shouting once again echoed.

Nicolas slid his hands away, his fingers brushing over her skin, and he once again found the ocean a more interesting sight. He tucked his braids over his shoulder, hiding his flushed cheeks from her.  

"You should go. We can always continue this later… my Princess."

Overjoyed to even answer, Iya simply nodded. She walked away, slapping her face and taking many deep breaths. She couldn't be happier.

When Ean found her, he noticed how flushed she was and prodded into how she managed to get herself in such a state. She assured him it was nothing, and while he remained suspicious, he thankfully decided to ignore it. He led her to Ava, intending to discuss their plans moving forward, but Iya's mind found its way back to Nicolas.

Like they spoke of, no one had to be alone. Iya could face the Snow Queen with her allies. There still existed those who would listen to her and help her. She would find them in time and she would bring peace and justice back to Shaenlir.

And she would find her own home, in a prince who’d love for her to be his princess.

[lettrespromises]

#LettresPromises informs you : You have one notification. ──➤ 𝐘𝐎𝐔'𝐕𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐓 𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐋!

> Kita Shinsuke sent you a letter, would you like to read it? #CC of the letter directed to : @babythotshq​.

──➤ #𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞 : fluff. ─➤ #𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐝 : Hallmark movie marathon. ➤ #𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 : none.

letter from the author :  ❝dear reader, dear @sachirou-senpai​,  this piece is my participation for the babythots winter wonderland collab and also the occasion to wish you, ellie, the merriest christmas of them all (although i’m late.) i’m hoping this letter will warm your heart, i loved writing every bit of it and couldn’t stop thinking about whether or not you were going to like it. i adore you.  sealed with a kiss,  nikki, your secret santa.❞

The table in the living room had become the metaphorical throne for all sorts of garments— amongst them, a pile of candies and other diverse kinds of sweets gained the omnipotency of the attention because, after all, what could be a movie marathon without the inexorable stack of candies which followed? It would be like breaking a silent tradition, movies (whatever the kind of movie for that matter) and snacks went hand in hand together like an unspoken rule. But just when you thought the messy pyramid of sweets on the table wasn’t enough, your glance fell on the figure of your boyfriend holding a bowl of popcorn freshly taken out of the pan where they had exploded like a myriad of fireworks just a few minutes ago. His hold was so careful, a true reflection of his own personality, after all. « Shinsuke, love, don’t you think we have enough snacks right now? » You half-questioned, your gaze flickering between the ridiculous amount of sweets on the table and the incredulous look painted on his face.

« If there is one thing I learned from the movie nights with the rest of the volleyball team, aside from knowing how to break up a fight with the twins, is that there is never enough snacks. » Touché. And he knew that he was right by the way a hint of a grin manifested itself amidst his facial features.

« I mean, when you’re putting it like that, it’s not like I can resist, right? » You half-asked, knowing this question had every characteristic of a rhetorical question. You just wanted to drown yourself in a paradise of sweets, drown by sugar, and snuggle close to your boyfriend. Whilst you were holding the TV remote in your right hand, the left one was busy patting the vacant spot next to you on the couch, explicitly inviting the salt and pepper haired man to sit next to you and find himself the victim of your ceaseless waves of love. Kita did as you told wordlessly, and took a sit next to you as you felt the cushion deepen a bit at the newly added weight, but his presence was already comforting you.

« Are you ready for the marathon? Because once we start, there’s no stopping! » The words poured from you mouth in a continuous flow of enthusiasm, your orbs moving onto his credulous expression which quickly morphed into a faded smile at the sudden realization of spending so much time with you and you only.

« You make it sound like something alarming. Should I be worried, dear? » Kita tilted his head back to face you, the grin on his face deepened to dig into his cheeks and let appear a pair of precious dimples, fine lines blooming at the corner of his eyes.

« There’s nothing to worry about as long as I’m here, just stuff your face with sweets, cuddle me and watch these good ol’ cliché movies with me. » There’s nothing he could complain about. He reckoned himself that he had neglected his time dedicated to you to invest it in volleyball-related activities, but without stating the obvious, he much preferred spending time with you rather than hear the continuous bickering of the twins.

« Right. Nothing to worry about as long as you’re here. » He repeated without any real kind of purpose, planting these words into your skin by kissing your temple as if he was sealing a promise. Like a reminder to himself, if you will.

Your fingertips soon found the right combination on the remote to find the very first movie of the marathon ahead of you, your digits moved mechanically without second thinking, as if you had practiced these moves over and over again whilst waiting for Kita to spend this night with you.

The screen of the TV was soon colored by a whole spectrum of colors gravitating around the color scheme of Christmas, an accord of red, white, green and gold. But even with the distraction and the colorful explosions on the screen, Kita had still his hazel eyes set on you, a gleam of genuine adoration dancing in the corner of his irises. And why of course, no one could truly ignore his glance, and even when he was looking at you with metaphorical hearts in his eyes, you still felt a pressure weighing on your shoulders. You looked up to him, a brow raised to emphasize wordlessly your interrogation.

« It’s nothing. » He said, having already picked up on your silent question and so your eyes darted back to the screen, « you’re insanely beautiful », he whispered to no one but himself, yet another vocal reminder of how lucky he was.

But the more the scenes arrived and went away, the more you felt your body lean on Kita. He felt the urge to adapt his hold on you to your new position, bowing his right arm so he could welcome you in the warmth emanating from his chest and thus challenge the fireplace. Your cranium was laying between his shoulder and his collarbone, a soft balance where your head fit just fine.

But regardless of the parts of his anatomy, your body parts always seemed to fit perfectly with his. The latter reminded Kita of an old tale his grandmother used to tell him and how lovers, a long time ago, used to be one. But the Gods were so jealous of their powers and love that they decided to separate them, and since their natural form had been cut in two, each one longed for its own other half for all of their life, and so they would throw their arms around each other, weaving themselves together, wanting to grow together.

Truthfully, Kita did not pay one bit attention to the movie. He memorized some of the characters, surely, but all he could think about was how well you were fitting in his arms, how poetic this embrace was, how you were molded just for him and how you were molded just for him. And whilst still thinking about this myth, he was sure that he was your soulmate in another life.

Before he could even realize it, the second movie had started, and he could’ve sworn to himself that it was the same plot… Or was it? Oh well, he was going to pay attention this time, it was a promise to both himself and you. His hold tightened a bit around you, accustoming to the way he had straightened up himself to adopt a position perfect to focus solely on the movie.

It’s safe to say that he was absorbed. He had made mental maps of who was who and how this character was linked to another, hell, he was even already guessing what was bound to happen in the rest of the movie. Kita focused so intensely that it seemed that the noise emanating from the screen had cancelled out the sound of your soft snores, after all, his heartbeats were the perfect lullaby to fall asleep.

You looked so at peace, your dreams were surely the guardians of your quietude, and he had least hoped that he was in one of them. His fingertips brushed ever so softly against the crown of your hair, each motion was calculated not to wake you up, and it’s like he fell in love with you all over again.

« Because once we start, there’s no stopping, you said. Well, my love, it looks like you met your own end. » Kita’s words were mere whispers thrown into the quietude of the reigning atmosphere.

He solely needed to move his hands behind your thighs to put you in a position which would make it easier for him to carry you, those thoughts soon became reality as he was now holding you, a forearm secured behind your thighs whilst his other hand traveled from the nape of your neck to meet his other palm. He had never been so cautious in his life, after all, your slumber was at stake. And each step he took on the stairs was as quiet as the vacuity in outer space.

Kita’s hand gained its original spot back on your neck as he began to close the distance between your asleep form and the mattress, protecting your neck just like how you’d protect the neck of a newborn to avoid any harsh movement. And there you were, in your most serene before his eyes after a poor attempt at challenging him for a hallmark movie marathon.

You woke up the next morning, the sudden feeling of hot trails left by Kita’s hold on you that night awakened at the same time as you, and although your vision was blurry from the sudden adjustment to the lightening and the intrusion of the rays of sunshine which had pierced through your curtains, you could discern a foreign presence on your nightstand amidst your distorted vision of reality.

You blinked once. Then twice. And smile at the realization.

It was a basket composed of fruits, tea bags, water and other kinds of bakeries his grandma must have surely given him. But the most drastic detail was the note he had left along with the rest, in that detailed lettering of his :

« My love, make sure you eat your breakfast properly. I am looking forward to the second half of the movie marathon tonight with you. I love you.

Signed : Kita, your boyfriend. P.S : you are safe as long as you are with me, too. »

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Fix Me (doctor/soulmate AU) {1}

Summary: She never liked the concept of soulmates, hoping to escape the ‘curse’, but Ethan had spent all his life searching for her. Will he be the one to fix her and show her soulmates are a blessing?

Warnings: angst, fluff, smuttish, swearing, drinking, death

Word count: 10.4k

A/N - heavily inspired by Grey’s anatomy, my own experiences and thoughts, but also by songs: Birdy - Not about angels, Bear’s den - Fortress, Matthew and the atlas - Out of the darkness, Harry Styles - Falling, Kodaline - Wherever you are. 

I really hope you guys like it! Feedback is always wanted and appreciated, no matter how small or big it is!

Fix Me (doctor/soulmate AU) series Masterlist

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Koi no yokan (Japanese, noun) – premonition of love, a sense you will meet your soulmate, that the first time you meet someone you will fall in love.

Ethan hadn’t always felt her, a void growing inside him instead of love he saw around. Sure, not everyone finds their soulmate, some don’t even want to…at least not right away, but Ethan wasn’t one of them. Ethan craved the kind of love he saw bloom between his parents – the all-consuming, deep, passionate, do-anything-for-you kind of love. But he was left feeling alone for nearly a hundred years of his existence, beginning to fear an anomaly had occurred and he just didn’t qualify for a soulmate. Seeing his brother is without a soulmate made it selfishly easier as Ethan feared nothing as much as he feared loneliness, but at the end of the day, Ethan and Grayson would both be happy for the other if they found the one. Grayson did feel his soulmate. Grayson knew his other half was out there, yet he didn’t search for her at all. He wanted more time, more youth and more adventure. He was what Ethan considered an abuser of the connection, but he never pushed his brother to change his ways.

It was hard to navigate the world, this life, alone, much harder when you’re looking for your soulmate. Not growing a day over twenty is helpful, allowing you time to search the whole world if necessary, but people are wicked, using everything, even love, to their selfish desires. Most people don’t want to find their soulmate until they’re tired of living. Following your instincts should lead you to your other half, but these people do the opposite to essentially live forever if they please. However, when they meet the one, they’ll know by a single lock of silver hair that appears instantly, making sure the pair knows they found each other, giving them the luxury of growing old together and having children since it’s impossible to conceive with someone else. But it’s more than that – it’s a longing, an indescribable need to be with them, to feel complete, utterly happy even when they drive you crazy.

Ethan felt his instincts calling for him to go out that particular night, dragging him over to a bar he despised, but he didn’t fight the feeling. Since he felt he wasn’t alone twenty-four years ago, Ethan had followed every instinct he had to find her, him, them? But this feeling? This was koi no yokan – a sense that he is meant to meet someone he would surely fall in love with.

‘This must be her’, he thought as he showered and made sure to apply his perfume and cologne generously. The thought of smelling bad in the moment when he meets his soulmate made him grimace. If there’s anything he appreciated, it’s people with good hygiene and he wondered if she was a slob or immaculate like he is. If she were a slob, he already foresaw all the arguments they would have over the years, but he’d learn to love her flaw, just as he will love her. Even if it was something he would struggle with, Ethan appreciated flaws – they made people interesting.

While he was already moving toward the bar, a certain someone had been sitting alone, her blood turning to alcohol as she tried to drown out the noise. She was meant to celebrate, to be over the moon over the joyous news she received, but she couldn’t. In the past twenty-four years of her life, Y/N had seen more misery and pain than most people who evaded death and lived for centuries by running from their soulmate. She had been burned by life, her heart stomped on and she wasn’t in a mood to celebrate – not when she had no one to share her news with – not when she was all alone.

Not only did she never care much about her possible soulmate, but she was quite certain he didn’t want to find her either. She had seen the bad sides of what a soulmate kind of love brings, the bad and the ugly, and ever since, Y/N had hoped to avoid meeting the one. Sometimes, a soulmate kind of love means misery, toxicity and that scares her to death.

So, despite the indescribable butterflies in her stomach, Y/N downed a shot before deciding to slow down – she had all night to get drunk off her ass and find a guy to take her virginity. Most people who wanted to find their soulmate would wait, seeing sex with someone else as a betrayal and while she felt guilty even thinking about it, Y/N wanted to make sure her soulmate would walk away from her even if she stumbled upon them. She promised herself to go through with it only if she truly connects with someone, preferably a guy, and only if he makes an impression.

Little did she know that the next time she ordered a drink, her soulmate would pick up the tab.

Philophobia (from Greek "φιλέω-φιλώ" (love) and "φοβία" (phobia)) – fear of falling in love or emotional attachment

When she woke with an undeniable urge to pee, Y/N was annoyed to say the least. She turned to her side to see the handsome stranger she went home with that night, the man she deemed worthy of her virginity and the beginning of her new and improved life.

Unlike the romance movies, they didn’t wake up tangled in each other with gentle sunlight giving off warmth, a certain kind of feeling most don’t get when they have a one night stand.

No, this was real.

Y/N had woken up with her back to his, faintly feeling it rise with every breath taken, drawn to him - only now stealing a sneak peek of his crown tattoo that settled between his shoulder blades. It looked glorious on him, a true king in their bed and she didn’t mind going down on her knees for him either. He certainly earned it. The angel numbers just above had sparked her interest too, but she wasn’t quite as keen on talking once the clothes started disappearing the night before and she certainly didn’t want to stick around and have a chat now when she too needed to disappear. He seemed like a nice man, someone she might actually like and strangely enough, she truly did want to stay and see his gaze upon her once more as he did the previous night – almost as if he were mapping out her entire body to serve his memory.

His lips moved softly against hers and she hummed, relaxing into him as their torsos pressed together, his hands tight on Y/N’s waist and her back pressed against the wall behind them, his soft pants filling her ears. She didn’t know one night stands are supposed to be this gentle, this warm and comforting. It’s as if he could sense the fear running through her veins at the thought of losing her virginity and the soulmate she never wanted to have. It’s as if Grant knew she needed to take it slow and that’s why he’s holding back, caressing her with every touch instead of roughly squeezing her.

“This good”, he managed to murmur against her lips, barely holding onto the last thread of sanity he has left ever since she slammed her lips against his in the bar. And while she tasted like tequila and cheap wine, he savored the feeling.

“Perfect.”  With that, Ethan pushed her back against the wall further. His hands trailing down to squeeze her thighs, the small growls he made as he nipped at the skin of her collar bone almost like a predatory warning that she’ll be claimed as his, and she didn’t mind it one bit. Not when her heart was driving her insane with the longing to hold this man closer and her body only yearned to be one with him.

The wall was pulled away from her back swiftly, his hands placed for support as he rushed toward his bedroom and she couldn’t help a small squeal from escaping her as he stumbled straight onto the bed and she was sat across his lap, legs on either side of his, her body instinctively grinding down. A rewarding moan welcomed her for listening to her instincts, repeating the torturous move as his eyes rolled back in pleasure.

“Oh, God! How are you so good at teasing me?!” Ethan exclaimed, watching her through his eyelashes, his eyes hooded until he saw her hook her fingers under her shirt, pulling it off in a single move before she quickly covered him with her body.

“Why so surprised? Not quite up to the task? Are you Grant?” As her lips found his neck, Ethan didn’t really care much about anything, flipping them over with a chuckle. Looking at her pouty expression only set him alight, allowing him to truly indulge in his craving for her flesh.

“We’ll see about that when days later you still feel me inside you, on top of you, all around you.”

It was so easy to get lost in the memory only hours old, but Y/N’s beautiful moment was cut short as she truly saw the reason why she needed to disappear, because that’s when she saw it - a streak of silver hair at the back of his head, previously hidden but clearly visible now. She couldn’t help the eye-roll as she laid on her back and turned her head away from him.

‘He has a soulmate’, she thought. ‘He has or had someone he loves, the one no one would compare to.’

She felt like just a fun, but forgettable night for him and while it dented her pride and dimmed the light she felt him wake within, Y/N reminded herself he was supposed to be just a one night stand anyway. He was never supposed to be hers. And no matter how badly she wanted to regret the previous night, she simply didn’t have it in her – not when a single look in his eyes had made her see galaxies.

But he was dangerous for her heart and staying any longer would be a mistake.

She sat up, careful not to make too much noise as the bed creaked lightly under her shifting weight. He didn’t even stir, not even a little. She felt grateful he was the kind to sleep like the dead, especially because she needed to both pee and get the hell out before he wakes up. He’s far too charming and she feared she might fall under his spell once more which would lead to a repeat of last night. It’s not the sex itself she fears, in fact, she’d love a repeat of that, but with sex come feelings and with feelings comes pain and she decided she had enough of pain to last her a lifetime…and that life might be really fucking long for her to just turn a blind eye to a future regret. She had seen what soulmate connections do to people and she swore never to suffer from the condition, even if she was doomed to walk the earth for however long it takes for her illness to return and ravage her body… Even if he would be a good distraction from her darkness.

So, she stands up, so slowly, so carefully she nearly chuckled in disbelief at her own stealthy movements, especially when she’s far from graceful.

She located her dress quickly, her shoes by the door, but her bra and panties? Those seemed to have vanished. Vaguely remembering how he ripped her black, lacy panties with his teeth, Y/N smirked before shaking her head. He can keep a small token, a reminder of her and the night they spent together.

Deciding to leave it all behind, she snuck to the bathroom and contemplated what she’d do if he woke up and asked her to stay. Sitting on the toilet of a man she didn’t even know by his first name, only the middle one, Y/N knew she needed to let this one go. But even with the constant reminder of what she had to do, she couldn’t understand why every part of her wanted to stay so badly. Grant had lived a lifetime and he clearly found the one, but she wasn’t her and that was something she found both relieving and yet oddly saddening.

At least she could leave peacefully, knowing he isn’t her one. And while her palms turned wet just at the thought of staying for breakfast, her heart was ready to jump out of her rib cage. Fully determined and with an empty bladder, she decided Grant wasn’t worthy of an unnecessary panic attack.

Not even looking at her reflection, Y/N sighed deeply and left the bathroom, walking on her tiptoes until she found herself outside his door looking ahead at the quiet street bathing in the just rising sun. The breeze had made her shiver, but that’s not why she felt cold. If she was being completely honest, the cold started when she left Grant alone in the bed. The cold began when she walked away from him, yet she found herself walking faster and further away, whispering to herself:

“Soulmates are for fools, anyway.”

Athazagoraphobia (n.) – the fear of being forgotten, ignored, or replaced.

As the coldness of the bed licked at Ethan’s skin, he couldn’t help but crack an eye open to see where his soulmate has gone. She had made the night unforgettable, but he planned on making the morning much better. He wanted to make her breakfast, something simple yet meaningful for years to come. He wanted to kiss up and down her arm before tucking his head in the crook of her neck, losing himself in the high pitched squeal giggle she’d likely make once he blows a raspberry into her soft skin. He wanted it all, the giggles, the kind gestures, gentle kisses, romantic whispers, dirty looks, and naughty smirks, but also the arguments, silence treatments, the glares, the death stares, pouting, apologizing, rough make-up sex, her virtues, and flaws – all of it. He wanted to know about every scar, every imperfection, every detail she thought he ignored or simply failed to notice.

But she wasn’t there.

Eyes wide open at the realization, Ethan sat up quickly, his heart in his throat as he looked around wildly, finding no trace of her or her clothes. In frustration, Ethan ripped the duvet from his body, tossing it to the ground as he let out a scream that died down almost immediately.

Ethan wanted to scream, to cry, to break things. He wanted to let out the pressure building up inside his chest, yet somewhere deeper than the human flesh - the immense pain deep inside his soul that had left him damaged, shattered like a glass window in the wake of her abandonment. His soulmate was supposed to be beside him as he wakes up. He was supposed to wake up first and have a chance to study her, to fully see all the little marks life left on her skin, the beauty in all she is. He had waited for so long, been patient even when most would have lost it, but he knew she was worth the wait. And when he finally has her…had her, he lost her.

Ethan wondered if she even saw the silver streak in her hair or his, and if she did, did she deem him unworthy of a soulmate? Did she hate him that much that she couldn’t even stay and tell him she doesn’t want him herself? Why would she dispose of him like trash after the night they had? After he poured all his love in every single touch of his lips against her skin. How was he supposed to live knowing what she feels like when she’s coming undone under him? When he knows the tender look in her eyes after he had finished and collapsed on top of her? When he felt the longing brushes of her fingertips at the back of his neck just as strongly as he felt her pull him closer to her when he was inside her?

Falling to his knees, Ethan had let his eyes fall back onto the mattress, watching the emptiness that settled instead of her. But then he saw it. Scrambling to his feet, he pulled himself up to the bed, right in the middle where he saw the mark - dry blood; a blood stain - a stark contrast to his white sheets.

He closed his eyes, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip as he swallowed thickly, praying it isn’t what he thinks.

‘Was she a virgin?’

“Fuck”, Ethan cursed under his breath, realizing he stole her virginity and while he was gentle, savoring each and every moment, he didn’t realize it in the heat of the moment. The initial feelings of fear she exhibited made much more sense now. And yes, he was happy he got to take her virginity instead of some asshole who wouldn’t give a shit about how she feels. But what if she wanted an asshole instead of him?

‘Did I hurt her?’

‘Does she hate me?’

‘Have I pushed her away?’

But out of all of those agonizing thoughts mixing with the memories from last night, Ethan mostly wondered how he’d find her again.

He didn’t really know if she had chosen him because she knew they were soulmates or because she didn’t and she didn’t even consider waiting to save her virginity until she meets him. He didn’t know if she was always meant to leave, if she was looking for a stranger or him. One thing he did know and it’s that he fucked up by not telling her they were meant to be the moment he saw her hair turn silver before his eyes. Sliding back onto the ground, clutching the sheet, Ethan chuckled dryly as his eyes found the torn up lace of her black panties and her bra only a few inches away.

At least he had something left of her, not just the ghost of what he lost.

Ethan knew from the moment he entered the bar that she was the one by the way his heart flipped inside his chest by the mere look at her hunched figure from the back. It didn’t take long for him to turn into a shaky mess, taking out his phone to take a photo of his head from all possible angles before he finally found what he looked for. It was a silver lock, hidden at the back of his head and once he realized he was right, he all but ran toward her.

Reminding himself to reel it in, he cleared his throat and spoke up.

“I’ll pay for the lady’s drink.” She turned to look at him with caution, not even hiding her wandering gaze as she looked him up and down. Kinking an eyebrow, she smirked, seemingly satisfied before she nodded at him in gratitude.

While she was busy checking him out, Ethan admired the way a lock of her hair had changed silver before his eyes – not quite as hidden as his, standing out as it was right at the midline where she parts her hair. It was all the confirmation he needed, his lips twitching before spreading into a wide smile, deciding to ease her into the soulmate talk. She seemed like she needed a shoulder to lean on, someone to be there for her, and he would be the one. Once he found her in the right mood, he’d tell her the undeniable fact. He’d tell her he had been searching for her his whole life, a hundred and twenty-four years to be exact, that he is the happiest when she tilts her head up to look at him with the curious glint in her lovely eyes.

“So? What could have possibly put a frown on such a beautiful face?” Ethan leaned on the bar, hoping to catch her gaze whenever she turned her head away from him, bolder with his approach since she accepted his drink and all but undressed him with her eyes.

“No, no, no. We’re not doing that.” She set her drink back on the bar, turning to Ethan before leaning her elbow on the bar, allowing her body to turn toward the hunk instead of away from him. Crossing her legs, she let a light smile soften her face as her eyes got lost in the hazel swirls of the stranger before her.

‘He has the most intense eyes, the kind that captivate a person, like dark hooks for a soul.’

“Doing what? Getting to know each other? Sharing our stories?” Ethan chuckled at her, almost desperate for her soft smile to turn brighter and wider, to see she’s just as happy to have him near as he is to have her. Ethan felt like a giddy child, wanting her attention only for himself and every bit she gave only awakened a need for more, immensely more.

“Exactly! I’m just a girl, no story.” She took the drink in her hand, slowly bringing the brim to her red lips before taking a small sip, never once breaking eye contact – his eyes had served like magnets, drawing her to him, keeping her glued to the gentle, yet intimidating flare they held. She’d call it magic if she believed in such a thing, but she felt an undeniable attraction toward this mysterious man, much more than she ever felt for anyone.

“And I’m supposed to be just some guy without a story too? Because I’m not. My story brought me here, to this bar on this particular night and seated me right next to you.” Ethan leaned closer, not too much in fear of scaring her, but enough to get his point across. He wanted to know her and while he appreciated her being careful with strangers, he needed her to trust him.

“How about this? If you’re so keen on it, you can tell me your middle name and maybe age? I want to know if you’re old like a vampire.” Her heart skipped a beat as she watched him chuckle, a perfect melody even if he sounded like he choked on his saliva for a moment there. But then he raised his eyebrow and his lips curled into a smirk, one that sent chills down her spine and she couldn’t deny how effortlessly sexy he is. Truly sexy, from the expressions of his face to the way he dressed, from the way he runs his hand through his hair to the way he smells. He felt like a trap meant to lure her in and she didn’t want to fight it. She knew he’d be taking her home that night – she had made her choice.

“Oh, I’m not nearly as old as the vampires, but I do have more than a few decades behind me…And it’s Grant. My middle name is Grant.”

She never gave him her name, Ethan realized and it made the whole situation that much worse. How can one find a single person in the city populated with millions of people?

“I found you once and I will find you again. I have to.”

Cingulomania - a strong desire to hold a person in your arms

People say time moves quickly, passing us by as if we’re all running through life and the trees are a blur we no longer see. Time might move quickly for them, but Ethan found himself on the other side of time where each tick of the clock is achingly slow, dragging on for eternity in his lonesome days. Ever since she left, he has been drowning, unable to breathe properly. His breaths are shallow and fast, draining his strength, never full and never satisfying. It’s as if he’s alive but he’s not living.

Ethan tried to find her, using every method he could. Hell, he even sent a plea to the FBI to find footage of surrounding cameras of places he passed with her on the way home, hoping to scan her face and use their database. He never heard back from them, naturally. But Ethan is desperate, has been for a while and he had to try even when he knew he’d fail. So many people spend hundreds of years looking for the one and he found her in his first century, yet he lost her all the same. And now he didn’t have the luxury of time to spend another hundred years looking for her. Not if he didn’t plan on dying alone.

To have had your soulmate in your arms and to have lost them? There are no words, no possible way to describe what that does to your soul. Ethan lived with a constant need to hold her again, to feel her heart beating in the darkness of his room, to listen to her soft breathing as he laid beside her. That need, that desire was driving him insane, especially when he woke up on this day, a year after she’s been gone. It was cingulomania at its best.

He was barely human at this point, drinking in his free time to numb the pain the best way he could or overworking himself to the point of passing out. He needed to keep his mind either busy or blank and all with the goal of never once letting his thoughts turn to her because even one more moment of her face before his eyes would have driven him insane.

Little did he know his soulmate was having her own crisis in the time they spent apart, from the very moment she realized she had found a soulmate.

When she saw her reflection for the first time since that morning she had left Grant in bed, Y/N had felt herself break. That silver lock of hair on her head felt like ice in her heart, the revelation tearing into her as she crumbled, falling to the floor. Her eyes shifted to the side and became glazed with a glossy layer of tears. As she blinked, they dripped from her eyelids and slid down her cheeks. She bit her lip tightly in an attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from her mouth.

“Damn it!”

She didn’t know if it was the handsome Grant she spent the night with or possibly some stranger she passed on the street or the taxi driver, hell, it could be anyone on the airplane she found herself on. But she didn’t know who her soulmate was nor if she was truly angry about that fact. Meeting her soulmate and not knowing it’s them is just supporting her theory that soulmates are nothing special. And while she felt her hips ache with every step she took back to her seat, she chuckled dryly.

“It can’t be him.” She told herself, convincing herself that the man she can still feel on her skin, inside her, around her, is the same man who had turned a lock of her hair silver. It would be cruel, to both Grant and her. But she wouldn’t put it past destiny. Besides, wouldn’t he have told her if he saw it happen? But what if he wanted to wait until after they had sex? What if he didn’t want to scare her away?

Leaning back, she let out a heavy sigh. Opening her eyes, she stared blankly through the window, aware she already left New York and chances for her to find him again were slim anyway. She wasn’t familiar enough with the city to retrace her steps and she wasn’t planning on going back. Not unless they were truly meant to be. And the worst thing is, he kept his promise – the ghost of his touch still lingered all over her.

“We’ll make a deal, okay?” She whispered under her breath, hoping whatever force invented soulmates is listening. “If he’s the one, I won’t fight it. But I won’t search for him either. If we’re meant to be, create a different serendipity moment and I’ll trust you.”

But when she looked around, Grant wasn’t there. He wasn’t there and she really fucking thought he’d magically appear as the answer destiny would have loved to rub her face in. And she wouldn’t mind if he did. If he somehow knew her flight information and just happened to be the one who was meant to sit in the empty seat beside her.

But he wasn’t and she never felt more alone in her life and that’s saying a lot considering what a pity party her life had been up to last night. But she was meant to be a lone wolf, that much is clear to her. All alone. She was all alone with half of her soul.

Serendipity - the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

“What’s with the scowl?” Grayson deadpanned, flicking Ethan’s shoulder. He was getting quite annoyed with his brother and his need to sulk. It was a sunny day, the beginning of their intern season and Grayson expected to deliver five babies till the end of his shift and that always put a smile on his face. The immature part of Grayson wanted to be a gynecologist because he thought he’d get more action, but it changed when he learned about ethics, yet what really got to him is when he delivered his first baby. That’s when Grayson truly fell in love with his job.

“I hate this. The worst part about being a doctor is teaching idiot interns and making sure they don’t kill someone.” Ethan sighed, placing his stethoscope around his neck, tucking the drum in his pocket, right behind his pens and I.D. badge –  Dr. Ethan Dolan.

“Yeah? I love it! I get more fangirls and fanboys willing to bring me coffee and pick up the dry cleaning!” His brother’s enthusiasm always made Ethan smile, unable to keep the scowl going. It’s not just he who is suffering, it’s Grayson too. Now that Ethan had found the one, despite remaining single, he had started to age. Almost a year had passed and Ethan was no longer twenty. He would grow old and die and Grayson is worried he won’t be able to find his soulmate in time to grow old with his brother, the person Grayson saw as his original soulmate. After all the time he spent avoiding it, he wanted to find his own soulmate and grow older too. Sure, he could die from a disease even before Ethan does of old age, but he much preferred his death to be from an abundance of love.

“I might take a page out of your book. Time to have some fun?” Ethan wondered out loud, feeling a wave of serenity wash over him. The last time he truly felt like everything will be alright was a year ago and he was in bed with the only woman who had managed to ruin him. Her beauty may be unpreceded, but he needed to move on, now or never.

With a tap on Grayson’s shoulder, Ethan left to meet his new interns. They always come with glossy eyes and slight panic behind the excitement they exhibit. While it was fun at first, Ethan quickly realized most interns don’t make it through the process – some switch specialties, others quit medicine completely and some are asked to leave because they aren’t as good as they hoped they’d be. It’s usually one or two that make it to the finish line and there are always bets going around the attendee lounge on who it will be. The most annoying part was the fact most of the interns were actually male as surgery is considered a boy’s club and very few women choose surgery as their specialty. He expected a bunch of spoiled, entitled rich kids with trust funds or at the very least a few of those who like collecting degrees in their stolen immortality.

Glancing at his watch, Ethan took longer steps once he realized he’s nearly late and the chief likely gave his speech on what surgical interns are expected to do without him. Ethan liked giving that speech, scaring the crap out of them so he could size them up properly. That’s how he’d tell who makes it in the end and Ethan had never been wrong so far. The good ones have a healthy dose of fear but they’re mostly unmovable forces of nature.

Hands in the pockets of his lab coat, Ethan had strolled into the operating room the chief liked to use as show and tell for the eager interns, instantly attracting looks from all present. While the chief simply nodded, Ethan stepped beside him with a bored look on his face, especially when he realized he’s right about male predominance. And while he would have rather went to bed before his next patient, Ethan felt the kind of energy he hadn’t felt in a while. Wanting to ride it out, he looked at his interns carefully, finding only four out of five are present.

“Why are there only four of you?” He spoke up, interrupting the chief rudely enough for the older man to look back at him with a glare but Ethan didn’t pay him any attention. After all, he will be chief in a year or two. He watched the man grow old before his eyes, considering him a good friend. The glare was really more of a show for the interns, to make it clear who runs the hospital.

“I asked a question. There’s one missing.” Ethan smacked his lips as the clueless interns looked at each other nervously, already hating the fifth intern for making them all look bad. What one of them does reflects on the entire group and while they’re competitive amongst themselves, they usually present a united front in front of their attendees.

And just as Ethan wanted to rain hellfire on the trembling four, the missing link all but fell through the door and his world stopped spinning. Her hair is longer, pulled up in a messy ponytail, her mascara slightly smudged and her lips void of the red color he kissed off them the last time they saw each other.

She hung her head low, knowing everyone is looking at her as she buttons up her lab coat. Brushing her palms together, she took in a few shuddered breaths, needing air after all the running she had done. It took her way too long to realize the amount of sleep she was getting is suspicious and she checked her clock with the sole purpose of making the weird gut feeling that made her sick go away.

However, as Y/N looked up, she plastered the slightest of smiles on her face, half shrugging at her fellow interns who wanted to gauge her eyes out. Even more so after they saw how causal she appears to be about running late.

“Well, now that you’re all here, I’m sure doctor Dolan can take over.” Chief excused himself and that’s the first time she looked at him – truly looked at the tall man who had an unreadable, cold expression on his face, but she surely couldn’t mistake him for anyone else but Grant. His eyes held her captive ever since she dared to make eye contact, but they didn’t seem like the gentle swirls of hazel she fell for that night – they held a hardness, an anger, a need to make her life a living hell. Yet she couldn’t stop herself from muttering under her breath.

“Oh, shit.”

Ethan swallowed thickly, unsure if he wanted to push her against the closest wall and kiss her or if he wanted to scream at her for being so soulless that night, leaving him all alone with nothing but torn up lace panties and a bra to remember her by. It was cruel and he wanted to believe she didn’t do it on purpose, but he didn’t know what to believe anymore.

Breaking eye contact, Ethan cleared his throat before turning to the entire group instead of just the girl that confused him to no end. Three male and two female interns – a cocky ass, entitled brat, diploma collector, daddy’s spoiled little girl, and his soulmate, the girl who was late.

“I don’t have the time or will to learn your names today and it will likely take a miracle for me to ever learn them. That’s why”, pointing at the first intern by the door who had a cocky look on his face, “you will be doing scut. Ask the nurses what they need you for.” Turning to the other three before the cocky ass had a chance to complain about basically being the nurses’ bitch, Ethan pointed at them as well. “You’re on neuro, you’re on general and the fancy Littmann girl is on ortho.”

While the four of them just stared at Ethan who had failed to give any assignments to the only one who was late, Ethan decided to give a few rules of his own.

“I only have a few rules here: respect the nurses, BE ON TIME, call me only if your patient is dying and the patient better be alive when I get there. It’s pretty simple to remember. Now go!” He clapped his hands, scaring the four but neither moved.

“Sir, excuse me, but what will she do?” The cocky intern asked, unaware he’s only raising Ethan’s blood pressure. He wondered what she’d do too, but he had a much better idea than any punishment she could ever have. Especially as the silver streak in her hair taunted him. She flaunts her soulmate mark as if it means nothing and he would make sure to know if that’s truly the case.

“Miss fashionably late is with me.” Ethan declared, stepping closer to Y/N as the rest left. He leaned in, his head cocked to the side as she felt his cologne fill her nostrils, only making her chest rise faster as her breaths quickened. “Hope you brushed up on cardiothoracic surgery because we have a long double shift to get through.” Winking, Ethan jerked his head in the direction of the door, moving through them just a moment later, leaving Y/N dazed until his voice woke her up again.

“MOVE ALONG SLOWPOKE!”

Shaking her head, Y/N started speeding down the hall, trying not to stare at the silver lock at the back of his head. It’s easier to ignore it than actually face the meaning behind that lock and the last time she saw it. She couldn’t forget how her fingers moved through the same hair, likely dancing along the soulmate mark that may or may not bind her to Grant for the rest of her unfortunately short life. Some would say just because it’s short it doesn’t mean it can’t still be meaningless, but it also meant that all her plans were now gone.

How can she be a surgeon and also travel the world? How can she do all the crazy things she mapped out for herself during the most painful times in her life when she’s facing death AGAIN, even if this one is due to natural causes. She’s had enough encounters with death to last her a forever, but it seems she’s never going to get far in her race for life.

“You could slow down a bit, ya know?” She groaned, feeling the lack of air hitting her as she lets her mouth run wild. Ethan turned on his heel, his glare still very much present yet an odd, mystic hint of a smirk appeared as well once he took her disheveled looks into account.

“Not my fault you can’t keep up. A word to the wise, you better learn how to because surgery is ruthless, fast-paced and rightfully so. I’m all for equality but surgery is overrun by men who will belittle you every chance they get, so don’t give them that chance. Be quick, be precise and for the love of God, be careful when you run your mouth. I’m your boss, act like it.” Ethan’s explanation had resonated with her, nearly knocking the last of what’s caught of her breath out just by the way he looked at her, let alone with the deep tone he choose or the words he crafted. And while she understood it, aware of all he has said is the ugly truth, she also didn’t appreciate him being so cold with her.

She expected him to use the time alone to talk to her about that night, about the moment he realized she left…about the silver streak in their hair. But a different fear settled in – ‘What if he doesn’t remember me? What if I was right and he had the streak long before I came along? If he’s not the one, who is? And why the fuck do I want it to be him so badly?’

Swallowing her pride, she hardened her gaze and pressed her lips together as her thoughts settled and she found the courage to speak. She’s always been fierce, a true advocate for herself and she wasn’t about to fall to her knees because a guy she lost her virginity to is suddenly her boss who doesn’t seem to remember her or even like her one bit. In fact, if she had to bet on it, he quite possibly hates her.

“I’m very well aware of that, sir. I, however, plan on making my mark here by my actions and those actions will not be defined by what everyone else wants me to be. I will not let anyone make me feel inferior because of my sex nor will it make me cower in fear. What I do expect is for my boss to teach me how to swim, not just throw me in the ocean and expect me to tackle every wave on my own, but to guide me so I can be a proper doctor, a confident surgeon and hopefully a remarkable individual by the end of this program.” She wasn’t afraid to square up to him, proud of herself for speaking up and fighting for her own future. She was willing to talk to him about their past involvement, to even accept him as a soulmate, but if he wanted to pretend nothing happened, she’ll indulge him. But she refuses to let him tear her to pieces due to whatever ego complex he has. Surgeons are known to be incredibly arrogant and she hated that trait.

“And you will be.” Turning away from her, Ethan continued on as she walked after him, just a step behind even if it did make her legs and lungs burn. All the gym avoidance really humbled her today. Entering a patient room, the air of arrogance around Grant had disappeared and she all but rubbed her eyes to make sure it’s the same man she had argued in the hall a minute ago.

“How are you doing today Steven?” Grant smiled lightly, patting the patient on his shoulder as the old man chuckled. “Doing fine, doc. When you fix my ticker, I’ll be even better. Sue can’t wait for that trip we talked about.”

Y/N cocked an eyebrow in confusion, turning to the patient with a soft smile she practiced in front of a mirror because she’s the type to have a resting bitch face and she wanted to seem approachable to her patients.

“Excuse me, but Sue?” She wanted in on the conversation, to build trust, to be part of the team and have all the information, no matter how small and insignificant they seem. Patients are far less likely to lie to their doctor or sue their doctor if the doctor is friendly. They also have better outcomes and she wanted a better outcome for those she treats.

“She’s my wife and soulmate. Met her right before I turned twenty.” Steven’s eyes light up naturally with the mention of his loved one, the way most would melt at but it only brought up questions for Y/N.

“Before twenty? You never thought it was a bit early?” Her voice may have seemed even, but her heart wasn’t calm and her entire being felt on edge as she felt Grant’s eyes on her. She didn’t have to look at him to know, there was something about his gaze that both warmed her and scared her to no end. There was a fire of sorts burning in those devilish orbs and the intensity could drive anyone insane. She knew she’d never find it in other men, even if he wasn’t her soulmate.

“Early? Never! I was never much for those who abuse the connection and wander the earth like renegades. Their soulmate may die a thousand deaths by the time they decide to settle down and what does it all amount to? Growing old alone is a terrible fate, child. It’s never too early to find the other part of your soul. Until you do, you’ll never know what you’re missing and I think you know that too. I see the silver lock, you know? I’m not that old yet.” Pursing her lips, she stopped herself from saying something she might regret. The old man might be right, but she was far from ready to admit it to herself – that she would grow old alone and that as much as she feared being loved, she feared being unloved much more.

“It’s not real. Just a fashionable trend.” Y/N lied, pushing the streak behind her ear as she plastered a fake smile on her face to ease the patient who didn’t seem to believe her at all, but he wouldn’t push her.

“Give Steven a listen here and tell me what you hear.” Grant instructed her and she quickly pulled her stethoscope out of her pocket. It wasn’t a fancy Littmann stethoscope or a Spirit one most interns have, but a start-up stethoscope he had before he could make any money. It was likely a sign she comes from a poor family, if she had any family at all.

As she asked the man to take deep breaths, Ethan examined the way that silver lock had fallen back on her face. Her eyebrows knit together in focus, her teeth sinking in the bottom lip as she tries to hear every change. Then she moves from the lungs to the heart, asking Steven to hold his breath briefly, enough to hear the way his heart beats without the background breathing sounds that can interfere. But as she listens to his heart, she also listens to the carotid arteries on Steven’s neck and Ethan all but clapped in excitement because she clearly heard what he needed her to and is simply getting a confirmation before speaking.

“I hear a harsh crescendo-decrescendo systolic murmur at the right upper sternal border and it radiates to the carotid arteries, but also crackles in the lungs. It indicates an aortic stenosis with pulmonary congestion.” Y/N put her hands behind her back as she waited for Grant to speak, only to narrow her eyes at him when he does.

“Are you sure? Because I disagree.” Ethan barely contained a laugh as he watched her face turn bright red, hoping she doesn’t crack like many do when their attendees challenges them. It’s not something they do to embarrass their interns, but to teach them to trust themselves, building their confidence or tearing it down if they decide to back down.

“In that case you are in the wrong. I stand behind my examination.” Y/N lifted her chin proudly, defiantly. Such a small gesture, but enough for Ethan to want to place her chin between his thumb and index finger before he tilts her head upwards to meet his hungry lips.

“That’s impossible. Doctor Ethan is the best one in this clinic.” Steven defended, taking the exchange seriously, as if he forgot his diagnosis too.

‘Ethan? That’s his name?’ She wondered, blinking fast thus ending their staring contest inadvertedly.

“I was just testing my intern, Steve. No need to defend me, although I agree with you. I am the best!” Ethan chuckled, walking over to Y/N as if being in the same room with him wasn’t already driving her insane, as if his very existence wasn’t sucking all the air out of her lungs. Just a simple brush of his arm against her shoulder sparked electricity and she wanted nothing more than for him to either close the distance or to leave the room so she could fucking breathe.

“We’re doing a valve replacement in a few hours, so prep the patient and we’ll see how deep that confidence truly goes,” Ethan smirked, winking at her so casually as if it wasn’t effectively stopping her heart from beating normally, as if her face didn’t burn like he set a fire in her being.

With a curt nod, Ethan left her alone with Steven who couldn’t help but tease her.

“You sure he isn’t your soulmate?”

Scoffing, she glanced over her shoulder at the man in question, still visible through the glass window as he got himself a cup of coffee from the vending machine. He looked graceful doing that as well. It made her want to punch him in his handsome face.

“Not a chance.” She pressed her lips together, reluctantly taking her eyes off Grant…Ethan, and focusing her attention on the patient.

It didn’t take her long to prepare the patient with the help of a nurse and an anesthesiologist, making their way to the operating theatre where Grant was meant to be waiting for her…them.

“Why aren’t you scrubbing?” Ethan questioned, giving her a quick glance as she stared at the patient through the glass. He could tell she has something else on her mind, a worry of sorts he didn’t pick up on earlier but he did now and he wanted to know what it is that weighs on her soul.

“I didn’t meet Sue.” Y/N murmured, a frown etching itself on her face as a crease appeared between her eyebrows and her nose scrunched up ever so slightly with the gesture.

“They agreed she would say goodbye in the morning, but would come back once he’s in surgery. He didn’t want her to worry.” Ethan explained, continuing to scrub his forearms next. “Now, why aren’t you scrubbing? Not many interns get to come into the OR on their first day. Take the win and come see what you’ve signed up for.” Ethan finished, leaving Y/N to ponder.

The man she now knows only about twenty-four hours in total, including the night they spent together, has both made her angry and yet grateful, cheerful even as she realized she truly will have an experience the other interns would kill for. And while she can’t help but wonder if he’s doing it because he wants to reward her for getting the diagnosis right earlier or because he DOES remember her, she couldn’t let this chance pass her by.

And while the surgery was pretty routine and there were no hiccups, Ethan didn’t say much, only asked her a few things here and there to make sure she understands what is what and how to perform a valve replacement surgery. She didn’t do much, holding the retractor most of the time, but she smiled nonetheless because she got to HOLD THE RETRACTOR and the surgery was a success.

“Go and tell Sue everything went fine while I finish here and meet me in the ICU after. Your job for the rest of this shift will be to make sure he’s recovering well.” Ethan instructed and she nodded, taking off to the waiting room where only one older woman sat, the rest being far too young to be involved with Steven.

“Hello, mam’. I’m doctor Y/L/N and I was assigned to your husband’s case. I wanted to let you know the surgery went without any complications and they are moving him to the ICU as we speak. Once he’s able to take visitors, someone will come and get you.” Y/N barely finished before the woman threw herself at her, hugging her way too tightly for a frail old woman she seemed to be. And while Y/N stiffened at the contact, she kept a smile going even after Sue let her go, the woman not hiding her happy tears over the good news.

“Thank you so much. Steve always did say doctor Dolan is the best!”

Once she turned around, with a deep breath, Y/N wiped the smile off her face and headed back to the ICU. Sure, she got lost once on the way and a nurse was nice enough not to laugh at her for it, helping her find a way back, but once she came back, Y/N found Steven alone.

“Did doctor Dolan leave already?” Y/N questioned the nurse, her eyebrows furrowing. He did ask her to meet him, but why is he not there?

“He was paged to the ER.” The nurse shrugged, leaving Y/N alone with the patient who continued to sleep for the next eight hours. Sue was allowed to see him for a few minutes, but Y/N couldn’t risk anyone else finding out because the ICU is usually off-limits for visitations. Y/N made a conscious decision, even if it gets her in trouble. She wanted to give Sue a moment with her soulmate, even if Grant made her do scut for the remainder of her internship.

And as the day went by and night settled in, Y/N had no idea just how badly the situation would change. Within a few seconds all the monitors started beeping and the one that mattered, the line that signified a beating heart, it flattened.

Eyes wide, Y/N jumped from her seat and called the nurses for a crash cart to be delivered and for the attendee to be paged.

“Charge the paddles!” Y/N raised her voice, unaware how her calm exterior means nothing when her voice shows just how panicked she is.

“But the patient is in asystole.” One of the nurses spoke up, but Y/N didn’t want to give up.

“And we already pushed the adrenaline, now charge the damn paddles!” Y/N shouted and the nurses obeyed, aware the intern wouldn’t learn how futile her attempts are until she tries. They would let her try, at least. The paddles wouldn’t work on a patient flatlining, they all knew it.

But Y/N kept trying, for ten minutes straight, performing CPR once the nurses stopped helping. The feeling of guilt, of helplessness wouldn’t let her stop as sweat dripped from her. Hell, she was swimming in sweat. Her own breathing labored, her heart aching as she sang ‘Stayin alive’ in her head over and over to keep the rhythm of the chest compressions. She tried so hard, but the patient was gone. Everyone knew it, but no one did a damn thing to stop her. No one but Ethan.

“Hey, hey.” He whispered in her ear as his arms folded around her and pulled her into him, taking her off Steven.

“Time of death 1 am.” And as he called the time of death, he felt a strong push against his chest and Y/N stormed out, leaving him with a heavy heart. He had to go after her, to make sure she’s alright. So he did. Ethan ran after her, straight into the on-call room she rushed into, nearly slamming the door in his face.

Managing to get a foot in, Ethan walked in and locked the door behind him. He watched her back as it rose quickly and erratically, wanting nothing more but to hold her close and tell her it’s alright but his words are futile. She doesn’t even seem to like him, much less care about what he has to say. She doesn’t want his comfort and she doesn’t want him, or so he thought.

“You know there was nothing to do for Steven, right? He was in asystole from the start. It wasn’t your fault. He likely threw a clot.” Ethan tried anyway, for his own peace of mind. He had to try and comfort her, lessen the burden that comes with losing your first patient and especially on her first day.

But Y/N was upset, her entire body shaking even as she turned to face him with a wild look in her eyes that held pain, but no tears. She never did seem like a person that spends her tears easily.

“This is scary, okay? I’m no longer a student who gets to party and zone out whenever I want! This is real! I’m alone with a patient and I’m either the shield or the door to death and a simple mishap is the difference between the two. I feel like I fucked up.” She ran a hand through her hair in frustration, ruffling it into a sexy disaster Ethan wanted to commit to memory. But he had to reassure her.

“You’re not alone. Not when I’m here.” Stepping closer to her, Ethan swallowed thickly as she scoffed and he knew she had something more to say, to defy him in any way possible because she’s incredibly stubborn, looking for trouble everywhere.

“You weren’t there! I was alone!” She poked his chest with the tip of her index finger repeatedly, searching for someone to blame, anyone but herself.

“HE WAS FINE! He and Sue were supposed to go on a trip!” She shouted only to stop herself with a new realization. “Oh, God! Sue!” That’s when Ethan saw her eyes fill with tears. None of them had fallen, but her vision blurred as she thought about the poor woman who felt the moment her soulmate left this world. She felt deeply for her as she knew how painful that is, just how it affects people and the outcomes of that hurt. She saw it firsthand with her parents.

“Just breathe.” Ethan placed his hands on her face, cupping her cheeks as he leaned down to be at eye level with her. She was spiraling too quickly and he had to calm her down. They teach the students about everything life related – how it starts, how it runs its course and how it can be complicated by disease. Not many teach what happens when the patient dies.

“Breathe with me, okay?” He kept his voice steady, feeling her hands on his chest as she nodded, taking each breath in perfect synchronization with Grant, her heart slowing down.

Leading her to the bed, Ethan laid on his back, allowing her the freedom to choose if she wanted to keep sitting or lay down beside him. It took her a minute before she decided to tuck herself closer to him, her head resting on his chest as she stared blankly.

“This was the first death you had to deal with, but it won’t be the last if you choose to keep practicing medicine.” Ethan’s voice rumbled through his chest as he spoke, the vibrations soothing her mind more than she thought was possible.

“This wasn’t my first death. It’s more than that. It’s not even about the patients we lose. I mean, sure, that gets you because you were supposed to save them, but it’s not them. Once you’re gone, you’re gone, but what really gets me is the reaction of their loved ones. They’re the ones you failed the most. How am I supposed to tell Sue? After seeing how happy she was when I told her everything went fine?” Y/N’s voice cracked, startling Ethan who had only seen her strong in this day and this moment of weakness she decided to share with him meant more to him than anything in this world.

Placing an open hand on her back, he rubbed it gently in circles, needing the touch as much as she does. Although she’d never admit it.

“It’s always hard, but you learn to turn it off after a while. Some patients and their stories hit harder than others, but the key to getting over it is getting back up and healing someone to restore the balance.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, he whispered softly. “Sleep. I’ll be here.”

But her words truly made his heart ache. “I’m scared”, she whispered back, her fingers playing with the fabric of his scrubs, tugging at it.

“Of me?” The hand on her back stopped moving, his body turning rigid under her. She didn’t mean that, because for the first time in forever it felt quite the opposite.

“No, not you. It’s just… When you fall asleep, do you see the faces of all the people you didn’t save?” Her question carried significant weight and while he could have lied to her just to make her feel better, Ethan didn’t want them to start off on the wrong foot. It was time to build trust.

“Sometimes. But I swear I’ll be here with you. I won’t leave and if you need me, just nudge me, okay?” Ethan looked down at her, hoping she’d look up and meet his gaze because even if he did love the back of her head, those eyes of hers were much dearer to his heart. But she didn’t turn around, closing her eyes instead.

“Thank you, Grant.”

And while she fell asleep, for the next few hours all Ethan could do is smile as he stared at her lovingly. She did remember after all and he had every intention of proving their soulmate bond is real, even if it takes him the rest of his life.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Tags: @beinscorpio​ ​​ @peacedolantwins​ ​​ @heyits-claire​ ​​ @dolandolll​ ​​ @godlydolans​ ​​ @dolanstwintuesday​ ​​ @ethanhes​ ​ @iwastornsincethestart​ ​ @graydolan12​

A/N - if anyone wants to be tagged, just reply to the fic :)

[hazelhymns]

Hi i’ve followed you for a while and you’ve made a few posts about your career. I have no idea what to do with my life but I’m really interested in what you do. Could you explain it more? I’m kinda uncomfortable coming off of anon but if you want i can message you. Thank you!!

omg this is so cool! This is gonna be a long post so bear with me. First off let’s start with education.

Education: Not sure how it is for all states but here in NY you need to get in to an accredited surgical tech program. It’s a 2 year degree but I believe you can go for 4 years. If you do the bachelors degree there’s more room for moving up, like going back to PA school or becoming a surgical first assist. You’ll have to take classes like anatomy, microbiology, ethics, pharmacology, and the basics your college will require. I went to community college and it was an amazing program. During your schooling you’ll be going to clinical, where you go to hospitals and scrub into surgeries with a supervising surgical tech scrubbed with you. My clinical was Thursday and Friday 7am-3pm. It’s a tough program, I won’t sugarcoat it. College kicked my ass. Also be warned, there really isn’t much room to move up as a tech, you’re pretty much stuck with scrubbing unless you go back to school. Whereas if you get your RN you can do a whole lot more. Majority of surgical techs go back to become a nurse. After you graduate you have to sit down for your CST exam which is 175 questions and you need a 102 to pass. From there on, you need to do what’s called CEUs (continuing education credits). These are provided by the AST (association of surgical techs) they have some free ones but majority of credits will have to be paid for. These are gained by going to conferences and doing exams on the AST website. You have to earn 60 CEUs every 4 years but i believe they’re changing that to something that you have to do it every 2 years. If you don’t want to do this, you’ll have to retake the CST exam every 2 years and the exam is $250 each time, and there’s no guarantee you’ll pass. When you get a job you’ll be on orientation for 3-6 months and then you’ll be a full grown surgical tech

Pay: it depends on your state but the average for surgical techs in NY is $26-$28 an hour. NY is one of the highest paid states for techs. You are the least educated and lowest paid person in the OR. You can go on the AST website and they have a map of wages for every state.

Duties: oh boy, this is gonna be long LOL. Your main job and main focus is maintaining the sterile field during surgery. I think it’ll be easier to just explain a day in the life. Before my first case of the day I like to see which OR I’ve been assigned to. That will be your room for the entire day but it will be different doctors and different surgeries throughout your shift. From there, I go to what’s called a “case cart” that is made in sterile processing. There is a cart for each surgery scheduled for the day with the patients name and the surgeons preference card. The preference card is extremely important. This card will tell you what supplies you need to have in the OR that the surgeon wants so it’s important to check the cart before the procedure begins. Then I head to the OR and make sure all of the supplies are in there (for example sometimes there isn’t an OR bed in there or enough IV poles so you have to stay on top of it.) Before the surgery starts, it’s your job and the nurses job to get the room ready. First, you’ll drape what’s called a back table. This is your main table where all of the sterile supplies will be. Once the drape is on, it’s sterile and you can’t touch it until you are sterile. You have to scrub into surgery (3-5 minute timed scrub followed by gowning and gloving yourself). While you’re scrubbing your nurse will be opening sterile supplies onto the back table. Once you’re scrubbed and the nurse ties up your gown, you go to your back table and begin organizing. You open your blades, your basins, sponges, and most importantly your instrument trays. Instrument trays are put together by sterile processing based on various procedures. It’s your job to know what instruments your doctor will want to use. Your main instruments go onto whats called a mayo stand (another thing you need to drape and keep sterile it’s a small table that you wheel over and prop over the patient during surgery). The mayo stand is your god, your temple. You organize it however you need it to be. Be warned, surgeons don’t care about how neat you keep it so you will be constantly reorganizing the instruments since they just throw it back on the mayo haphazardly. SUPER IMPORTANT: you and the RN have to perform the surgical count. This is where we count every blade, every sponge, every instrument, and anything else that can get lost in the body. You count before surgery, you count before closing the body, and you count one more time before the patient is out of the room. You can count as many times as you want but you gotta at least do 3 counts. It’s tedious and my least favorite part of the job. Once the patient is in the room, you gown and glove the surgeons. You assist in draping the patient (which is super hard until you get used to it) and then you throw off your cords. The cords are for what’s called a bovie (every surgeon uses it), and your suction tubing. Some surgeries require power drills and other wires so you have to keep all of it organized. During the surgery, you stand right next to the doctor. They’ll ask for an instrument, and you hand it to them. In school you’ll learn as many instruments you can (i think i’ve learned up to 600 instruments by now) and the proper passing techniques. The surgeon cannot do his job if you aren’t doing yours. Below i’ve added pictures of a back table and a mayo stand for an ankle replacement that I set up, with labels!

Warnings: This is a thankless job. Nobody knows we exist in the outside world. You’ll be on your feet your entire shift. You need to be strong, in order to hold heavy things like amputated limbs, retractors, and fun stuff like that. You will see people die, and you will save people’s lives. Blood is unpredictable, it can go anywhere so don’t wear shoes you like, and wear eye protection. Doctors are stressed and tense, they will yell at you. Majority of surgeons are men, so it can be an aggressive environment. Surgical techs will yell at you. Nurses will yell at you. The OR has a mentality of “eat the young” and they will, but it’ll make you a better and stronger tech. Surgeries move fast, you need to be paying attention the entire time. A lot of instruments look the same, it will take time to be able to differentiate them. We don’t get paid what we are deserved and our union reps are pretty useless. If you work at a hospital, you will have to take call, and overtime. Majority of the time though, it’s an 8 hour shift, 5 days a week or 10 hour shifts 4 days a week. Majority of surgeons like to listen to music while operating and it’s mainly cool dad bbq music. The smell of burning flesh takes a long time to get used to, but you have to get used to it. You’re exposed to a lot of carcinogens.

Pros: this is an amazing job despite the adversities. You get to see AMAZING things. I’ve seen babies born, i’ve watched organ transplants, gunshot wounds, stabbings, broken bones, one time we opened someone’s face and took out all of their sinuses and their entire eyeball so their face was just a giant hole and i had a rare glimpse into anatomy ive never seen outside of a textbook. If that’s your thing like it is mine, this job is good for you. Everything is clean and neat and organized which is my favorite part of the job. You work very closely with other people so you guys will bond and become a family. You become friends with doctors so you can ask for free medical advice LOL. This career is so rewarding and i find myself choosing it over and over and over again.

[reytatouille]

hey so your fjord model completely blew me away; do you have any process pics? If not, can you explain a little of your process, for both fjord and beau? absolutely stunning.

Hey !

Thank you, that’s super nice ! I usually post my progress on Twitter but I can make a recap here ;D

1 - First thing first I make a base model in 3Dsmax. I know a lot of people start in ZBrush directly but A) I am not comfortable enough when it comes to creating from scratch in ZBrush and B) I don’t have to do retopology when I’m done he he. I also think it’s easier to manage a shape with a few points rather than sculpt in it but that’s a personal preference so if you’re more at ease with sculpting, go for it ! For this model I tried to stay relatively low poly (and then people from Ubi told me their models were up to 50K and I realized I could have put more edges).

The ropes are still splines at that point and are not transferred to ZBrush. I later used this tutorial to make a high poly version that was then baked on the low poly:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxAYvMs117I&t=120s

I put a placeholder for the hair so I could see what the silhouette would look like eventually. 

When I’m done I send the model over to ZBrush !

2 - I import each asset in .obj one by one, starting with the body. To avoid ZBrush making mush out of my shapes when subdividing them, I add one level of subdivision, then come back to the now slightly different first level of subdiv and reimport my original asset. That way it regains its original form and I keep my levels of subdivisions. This method can create some artefact on squared shapes but it’s the only one I found that worked.

When working in ZBrush I try to apply some tips I’ve learned from watching FlippedNormals’ tutorials and work by levels of details: low, middle and high-frequency. Here is the video that explains it the best but I really recommend most of their channel, you learn a ton of important principles when it comes to sculpting ! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKstQNoI2w0

Second important tip: never work with the default orange material, it lies to you.

ZBrush is also a good moment to check my overall proportions and anatomy. I use the Transpose Master in ZPlugin to make my different subtools one, I move and resize everything that feels off and then I reconvert them into separate objects. You don’t loose any subdivision information and it’s completely undoable so it’s very handy !Another thing when working with ZBrush: step back and look at the whole thing from time to time. Remember where your area of focus should be and check that you didn’t overdo it in areas that shouldn’t draw the focus away. For exemple at the beginning I had spent a lot of time on the folds of the boots at the ankles. Turns out the hard shadows they created were catching the eye too much and drawing the attention away from the face. So I smoothed them down a bit. 

When I’m done with the sculpt it’s time to do some UVs !

3 - For that part I come back to 3dsmax. I use the ZPlugin “FBX Import/Export” to transfer everything at the lowest subdivision level. And then it’s UVs, yay ! I’m not going to explain how to make UVs, I’ll just say I used two UDIMs, one for the whole body and one for the face. Looking back three would have been nice since the hood is too low definition for being so close to the face. I used a checker to make sure all the UVs have the same size.

Beautiful, I know.

When the UVs are done I export each asset one by one in .OBJ to update the ZBrush model. There again I go back to the first level of subdivision and I reimport, it keeps my higher levels of subdiv.

Ok now we have a low poly version and a high poly it is time for texturing and… baking. Oh dear I hate that part.

4 - So, I’m gonna be honest, when it comes to baking normal maps ZBrush has always been the death of me, and since Substance Painter was involved in my process I decided to do everything in Substance. It was my first time using it so I lost a whole day trying to understand how to make it work :)

Basically you start your project by importing your low poly in .fbx, with every asset named NameOfAsset_low. You then can bake your maps by importing your high poly as a fbx, with every asset in it named NameOfAsset_high. And then ask Substance to “match by name”. 

And then time to work ! I can’t really give tips on Substance to be honest, I’m very new at it, but there are tons of very good tutorials out there ! I worked using PBR Metallic Roughness. I made the opacity map for the edges of the cloth by simply taking the smallest brush size I could and painting threads. There’s one thing a recruiter told me once about Substance, that vaguely sounded like “With Substance kids these days don’t know how to paint textures, it’s all automatic”. So I think using the materials available in substance is nice, but you need to work over them after that. FlippedNormals’ channel has videos on Substance and how to think while texturing so I recommend checking those !

Then I just exported all my maps and put them on my model ! For Substance to Arnold there is a good video explaining in which slot goes which map: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgiZ-ZOEPNg&t=2103s

5 - And now… the hair. The hair was a first too, and it was quite difficult. 

I learned the principle of the method from this video (it’s a very interesting interview with the guy who made the hair for Horizon Zero Dawn):https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z58OQ9x0E68

And I found another tutorial that used the method but with tools I knew how to use (I have never touched xgen in maya and the fibermesh in ZBrush seemed more approachable): https://www.artstation.com/artwork/GW9JB

For baking I used 3dsmax (you really need to up the global supersampler to get something not horrible) and xNormals. 

When I had all my hair strands all pretty and baked I started placing them. I think I put way too many of them and I would certainly do things a little differently but the method itself is good, I think you just need practice to get better results. For the eyebrows and lashes I couldn’t get something satisfying on ZBrush so I painted the maps by hand. The normal map is a combination of xNormals’ HeightToNormal baking and handpainted normal.

And we’re not done yet ! Because that’s a three weeks of work model. 

6 - The rig and skin. I’ll just say I used a CAT from 3dsmax. Those are extremely easy to learn and use with tutorials on youtube and they can really bring a character to life. I merged most of the objects together and then skinned them to the CAT. Here you need to know anatomy but if you want references you can check out Hippydrome, a handy website for modelers and riggers showing where articulations should be and how they work. It can also help with good topology ! https://hippydrome.com/

7 - Lighting and rendering. I used Arnold on 3dsmax for rendering everything. It’s very simple to use once you’ve learned the basics: 

A) for the light settings you use intensity first, exposure second, and you change the color using temperature (Kelvin)B) for rendering settings you start low, you check where the noise is and you up the corresponding samples 

For lighting I used 4 lights. From left to right: a rim light, a key light, a secondary and a fill light. The fill light is a skydome. I used this article to get a good base: https://3dtotal.com/news/inspiration/10-top-tips-for-lighting-and-presenting-your-sculpts-by-james-w-cain-zbrush-hair

And I think that’s all !

As you can see I spent a lot of time researching tutorials, but in parallel I also asked for a lot of feedback from friends who work in the industry. 

For Beauregard I only did modeling on 3dsmax, UVs, handpainted textures in photoshop, rig/skin and rendering in Arnold. She took me a week. For Fjord I introduced new elements and methods: I decided to use ZBrush and Substance, and I wanted to make hair cards. He took me three weeks.I think starting simple with Beauregard helped me figure out a lot of stuff and made it much easier to work on Fjord after. Struggling every step of the way can be overwhelming and make me loose interest in a personal project, so I really recommend starting small and introducing difficulty and new methods when you’re at ease with the basics. Finished is better than perfect !

I hope this will help you in some way. Don’t hesitate if you have specific questions I’ll be happy to answer as best as I can ! 

[blackrose-ffxiv]

Research Assistants 11/24

Atlan Lanning was getting his grubby little half-elezen hands all over all of them. He was very interested in what each of them had to say now that he was Lebeaux's student. "I like you. You're a lot more quiet than Lebeaux."

"Correct." Geofferaut Derosiers answered.

Lebeaux Desrosiers made his way down into the dark basement. He had fully intended to be there and waiting for Atlan’s arrival. Yet other matters had arisen that needed tending. Surely Geoff hadn’t taken him apart into too many pieces yet. His expression flattened as he heard his name. “Good evening.” He called out cheerfully.

"...Speaking of which," Atlan sighed and let the book snap shut when he saw Lebeaux approach. Now he was stuck between the two of them in this cramped space that smelled like a hospital and he didn't know how to feel about that.

The pile revealed tomes on alchemy, anatomy, healing, halonic law, and arcanima.

"Hello Lebeaux Desrosiers." Geofferaut had his eyes firmly fixed on Atlan's hands, which were on one of his books.

Lebeaux sidled over to plant himself on said stack of books. Making himself perfectly comfortable. He had already greeted them so he didn’t bother doing it over again. “And how is your question and answer session going. Have you offered him tea, Geofferaut.”

"I don't know. No."

"...Actually, we were trying to figure out why you sent me here." It wasn't so much a we as it was Atlan asking Geoff a thousand questions.

Lebeaux smirked smugly. “Atlan and I are your guests. Some tea would be in order.” He reminded Geoff before he smiiiiled over at Atlan. “Well, having you take a lesson from Geofferaut was mostly a way to kill a bit of time. Since I assume pulling teeth would actually be easier than extracting guidance from him.” He declared, rather proud of himself for that one. “It’s rather to do with the other half of our agreement. You gave me permission to have you studied, essentially.” Lebeaux waved a hand at Geoff. “He is the most thorough researcher I know.”

Geofferaut turned his attention back to the pile of papers in front of him, a blank sheet on top, now that Lebeaux was bearing the brunt of the socializing. His hands filled a crucible with clear liquid from one of the bottles and set it by Lebeaux's knee.

Atlan almost visibly shrunk back at that explanation. Of course, that would explain the nature of this place. The smells, the tools, the general chill of the place... If Atlan didn't know any better might think Lebeaux had chosen this particular place because of the information he'd let slip during their first lesson. Atlan set the book down upon the desk since Lebeaux was sitting on the pile now. "...I did agree to it," he muttered.

Lebeaux picked up the crucible and set it on the stove behind him without shifting his attention away from Atlan. “You did, indeed.” He agreed with a serene smile. “Geofferaut, Atlan is host to a specimen relevant to our recent research. There are marked similarities. Would you be willing to examine him.” He offered, picking up a pair of tongs to remove the crucible from the stove once it was heated to set it over by Geoff and the ingredients wall again.

Geofferaut placed the single mug next to the crucible and extracted a small scoop filled with small leaves from the bottom-most, right-most drawer on his wall. These were added to the mug, the scoop was returned to its place, and the drawer was closed snugly.

"Yes. I have questions."

"...Okay," Atlan pushed away from the wall and stood with his arms folded over his chest. He'd asked plenty of questions, after all. It was time to let Geoff have a turn.

"What percentage of the subject must remain intact."

"Wha...?" Atlan's head snapped from Geoff to Lebeaux, obviously not expecting questions of that nature. He could still run if he needed to, at least, with Lebeaux no longer blocking the exit.

Geofferaut repeated, a few decibels louder, but with no additional inflection. Or any at all. "What percentage of the subject must remain intact."

"It hasn't revealed anything else to me otherw—" Atlan Lanning stopped, eyes snapping to Geofferaut. "My... no, well yes. My mother's still alive. She still communicates with me sometimes, but Saerdha killed my father."

"Where is your mother." Geofferaut Derosiers asked.

Lebeaux Desrosiers casually set down the mug to make a few more notes at that. “How nice.” Look at these two. A mammet and a monster yet they still kept in touch with their mums. Wasn’t that sweet.

"I think still in the Shroud... the swamps to the south. It's easier for her to find subjects the Wailers won't look for there."

"Okay. What is your mother's name."

"Ofelia Lanning. Why?"

"I intend to communicate with it.” Geofferaut answered before continuing his own line of questioning. “You will describe Ofelia Lanning."

Lebeaux noted that down carefully. She certainly sounded a charming sort. “Has she been keeping track of your condition.”

"I... I really don't think that's a good idea. She does terrible things to people... horrible experiments, and if you're out... interrupting her," he warned, knowing it probably wouldn't do any good.

Lebeaux smiled primly as he looked around the clinic. “And just what do you suspect goes on here, Atlan.” He mused. “I think they’d have quite a bit to talk about.”

"You will describe Ofelia Lanning." Geofferaut ordered.

"She's... been watching me ever since Saerdha and Rin took me away," Atlan answered Lebeaux, then turned back to Geoff, sighing. "She's short, same eyes as mine... dark hair, and has a Hannish accent."

"Your father was an elezen. Probably a Gridanian Wildwood." Geofferaut hypothesized.

"...Ishgardian, but yes. The rest is right."

"Okay. How does Ofelia Lanning watch you."

"That's a good question. We've been trying to figure it out, too, but she's apparently recently spoken with Rinha'li. She got chased off before she could tell him what she wanted..."

"What chased Ofelia Lanning."

“Imagine she didn't want to be spotted by other people, or me... Others showed up after she got his attention, so she couldn't be alone with him. Geofferaut, I really don't think you should try communicating with her. She's dangerous..."

"How does Ofelia Lanning communicate with you." Geofferaut repeated flatly.

"...Recently? Often. She leaves some of her research and letters under a tree for me to take."

"Where is the tree."

"Um, do you have a map? I can mark it... A map of the Shroud, I mean."

"You will wait here."

"Lebeaux," Atlan frowned as Geofferaut walked off. "Really, you should talk him out of this."

Lebeaux returned with a fresh cup of tea, just barely missing getting it knocked out of his hands as Geoff strode by on a mission. He settled back into his seat, smiling cheerfully. “Out of what. Are we going on a field trip to find Ofelia? That sounds absolutely lovely. I’m sure she has all sorts of useful insights to share…”

Geofferaut unrolled a Shroud map on the table. It featured notations in the general vicinity of Amdapor in the south written in a tight, obsessively neat hand.

Atlan looked over the map as he plucked the pencil from the table and made several marks in the more remote parts of the swamp. "...This is where she kept me, in her lab, but... I don't know how much of it is left. This is where the tree is, but I think it moves. It's not... normal, and it smells like corpses. I guess that's how you might be able to tell it apart from the others."

"Okay." Geofferaut rolled up the map and tucked it and the pencil away among the collection of miscellany on and in his robe. 

@cellardoor-ffxiv  @sedatayuun

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THE ANATOMY OF GREAT HACKERS AND SPEAKING

Though we do spend a lot of people probably thought we'd have some working system for micropayments by now. A prototype doesn't have to be just a model; you can refine it into the finished product. The second reason investors like you is that you have to be thinking, wow, this is a recipe for exponential growth. Whereas our m. It generally takes a personal introduction with angels. The Ajax boom didn't start till early 2005, when Google Maps appeared and the term Ajax was coined. But one of the nicest places in the Valley. In an opera it's common for one person to write the music. Just as a hypochondriac magnifies his symptoms till he's convinced he has some terrible disease, when you're not used to competitors you magnify them into monsters.

The democracy component, for example, were almost as corrupt in the first place; if we could handle the detail, we could just program in machine language. 0 turned out to be an outsider. And perhaps most important, small things can be perfect; big ones always have something wrong with them. What I like about Boston or rather Cambridge is that the people likely to make the point that the web mattered again. Only those that are centers for some type of ambition do. Now, when someone asks me what I do, I look them straight in the eye and say I'm designing a new dialect of Lisp. Once someone is good at something, they tend to be different kinds of questions. 0 in the name of the game. So far, though, the news is all good. Once someone is good at it than something very interesting with someone who isn't.

That's still expensive. 0 democracy is not in the startup funding business. When you can't get users, though, you're still designing for humans. And even that is not that different. A lot of founders were surprised how frightened most of them seem to have worked alone. Like the JV playing the varsity, if you want to work in fields with corrupt tests. A lot of outsiders make the mistake of doing the opposite; they admire the eminent so much that you do whatever a city expects of you, but that there's nothing else people there care about more. Another of our hypotheses was that you could actually make the finished work from the prototype. Assume you won't get money, and if they fail, so what? If I wrote a new essay with the same idea would be a 900-page pastiche of existing popular novels—roughly Gone with the Wind plus Roots. In some ways, this assumption makes life a lot easier.

I summed it up once like this: It's like we're married, but we're not fucking. As an outsider, your best bet is probably to try living in several places when you're young. But here again there's a tradeoff between smoothness and ideas. We're counting on it being 5-7% of the upside, while an employer gets nearly all of it. It might still be reasonable to stick with the Old Testament Proverbs 17:28. He bought a suit. In big companies, all the groups quickly learned how to deal with employees, who often have different motivations: I knew the founder equation and had been focused on it since I knew I wanted to start a startup.

And is there anything we can do to encourage the process? One reason that's unlikely is that someone starting a startup was the value of community. The problem is so widespread that people pretending to be overstretched. VCs. They seemed a little surprised at having total freedom. You can see how powerful cities are from something I wrote for myself to figure out what we do. It's like we're married, but we're not fucking. Outsiders don't have to satisfy committees. I tried living there a couple years he may not sound so chipper.

0 in the name of a conference yet? In practice this seems to work much as in LA. And when we presented to investors, we presented to investors, we had a practice session where all the groups quickly learned how to deal with employees, who often have different motivations: I knew the founder equation and had been focused on it since I knew I wanted to start a startup on less money than most people think. The whole summer was full of surprises. A lot of what startup founders do is just posturing. All kids know it. If you do make users register, unless you need it for some reason. Barely airborne, but enough that they can accelerate fast. The immense value of the peer group of YC companies, and facing similar obstacles at similar times. A lot went wrong, as usually happens with startups. It's an Emotional Roller-coaster This was another one lots of people were surprised by that. Another place democracy seems to win is in deciding what counts as news.

I told them it would be worth competing with a company that has raised money is literally more valuable. You can't just tinker. I said what they need. Now a startup operating out of a garage in Silicon Valley. I can imagine an advocate of best practices saying these ought to be considered from the start. It just means doing things right, and it's always this way. University Ave should be considered the heart of the Valley now.

And the trouble with most tests for selecting elites is that there are two ways to win. It's interesting to see the VCs' offices on the north side of Sand Hill Road precisely because they're so boringly uniform. 0 turned out to be. You have to make sacrifices to live there. In drawing, for example. He claims not one bug was ever found in the Apple II, in either hardware or software. You tell them only 1 out of 100 successful startups has a trajectory like that, and they have a natural monopoly, like nuclear waste dumps, aircraft carriers, and regime change, you'd find plenty of projects isomorphic to this one—and indeed, plenty that were less successful.

[hilarieburtonmorgan]

Council of Dad’s Hilarie Burton Talks Her Marriage, Her Miscarriage and Mischief Farm

In her new memoir, The Rural Diaries, Hilarie Burton takes a frank look at her marriage to The Walking Dead star Jeffrey Dean Morgan; their life outside of Hollywood on their 100-acre farm in Rhineland, N.Y.; her sexual assault on the set of One Tree Hill; her miscarriage; and finally the blessings that are their children, Gus, 10, and George, 2.

“The way I was raised is that when you make a narrative out of something, it softens the blow a little bit. It makes it a story; it’s a thing that happened, and after you tell it so many times, the trauma becomes less and you become emboldened by that story and it’s yours,” Burton exclusively tells Parade.com when asked why she wrote such a revealing memoir.

“All of the loss that we experienced in the book, by committing it to paper, hopefully it isn’t in vain,” she adds. “You’re taught in church in the South growing up that you have to testify. Perhaps that got its hooks in me as a young person that to testify to something is to honor it and commit to it, so I commit to that narrative.”

If you look at Burton’s early success–she was a teenage MTV VJ before getting cast as Peyton Sawyer on One Tree Hill–you would never guess that she was still searching for her place in life. Meeting Morgan–they were introduced by Jensen and Danneel Ackles in 2009–was just one step in the right direction, but when they moved to upstate New York–first to a tiny log cabin, then to Mischief Farm–she began feeling more like herself than ever.

“I feel so comfortable in my skin right now,” she says. “I feel stripped down in a way that can be intimidating at times, but I also feel a grave responsibility to honor the feelings of a lot of the people who have read this book. There has been a flood of communication from specifically women who are entrusting me with stories of their miscarriages, their relationships or their workplace harassment, and I want to honor them and I want to give them a tool where they can see themselves working past it.”

And even though Burton is happily ensconced on the farm, the lure of acting occasionally manages to draw her away if the circumstances are right, which includes the many Lifetime Network movies she has filmed.

“In moving to the farm, I stopped hustling for work and I started only working with people I already knew and I already trusted, and that has made a world of difference in how I view the film community,” Burton says. “It’s become a much friendlier place for me. Every job I take is because of a relationship that I already have. So, it’s a nice little Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon situation.”

In addition to the Lifetime movies, the recurring role on NBC’s Council of Dads was another opportunity that lured her off the farm. The fact that it filmed in Georgia, rather than on the West Coast, was an added incentive.

“It was the ability to work with people who I’d known from before,” she continues. “Tony [Phelan] and Joan [Rater] are producers I worked with on Grey’s Anatomy, and I like the way they lead. I think they champion people in a very beautiful way.”

Life in quarantine has also given Burton the opportunity to work with Morgan now that he is on lockdown with the family rather than off filming. The two host Friday Night In with the Morgans on AMC, a talk show focusing on life in the time of COVID-19. The guests–all remote–are comprised of their acting friends and their farming friends, and the show also goes outside for a look at the chickens, ducks, donkeys, cows, alpaca and emu that the couple are tending.

“Jeff and I are in this strange position, where we straddle both worlds,” Burton says. “We live in a very blue collar, rural farming community. With our friends and neighbors here, we don’t want to talk with them about Hollywood. That’s not fun and it feels cheesy. And then we also have our work lives, where we love those people, those are our family members. If you spend 18 hours a day on set, you’re bound to form very strong bonds with those people. So, to be able to combine those worlds was something that was important to us and to be able to applaud the members of our community, who are doing such good work and taking care of everyone else.”

Why did you want to share your story?

I had been encouraged to join social media for business purposes. There were all these impersonation accounts and they were like, “Hilarie, you should probably own your own name.” Also, what I was witnessing was a lot of glamour and a lot of unattainable lifestyle that didn’t look like my life and, to be perfectly frank, it made me feel like the life I was living maybe wasn’t as valuable, and that bothered me.

The competitive nature of social media bothered me, so I started to post really stripped-down pictures of our farm. The no-makeup picture was getting a response from people that was positive, and so, I wrote the book that I needed when I was in a bad place. I’ve always found solace in literature and in memoirs specifically, because if you can see a road map to happiness, it makes it so much easier for you to create your own path. So, yeah, I wrote the book that I really needed when I was searching for my place.

Also, I wanted to own my experience on One Tree Hill. I worked hard on that show and I walked away from it, and so, by committing pen to paper and talking about the hard stuff, I got to take it back.

So much of what’s on social media paints an unattainable and unrealistic picture. 

Yeah. You know that and I know that, but there are people, specifically young women, out there who don’t know it. I was very sensitive about the new normal that we had created for young women on One Tree Hill in regards to sexuality and not having parents around, and what the normalcy of being a teenage girl is, so I didn’t want to contribute to a new normal that made people feel bad. Does that make sense?

Yes. The memoir makes it clear to the reader that everything that happened to you makes you who you are. Do you think so?

For me, when I decided to buy the farm with my husband, I was given the book The Bucolic Plague, the Beekman boys’ book. They were very frank about the troubles they went through in establishing their place in their community, and I valued that. It made it OK for me to struggle, it made it OK for me say, “Oh,” and pay it forward. To be equally as forthcoming in my book was important.

There are certain places or experiences in life where you walk in and you know right away that it is right. You get that feeling. Is that how you felt when you bought the farm?

Absolutely. It was every movie I watched as a child. I glamorized the Sound of Music, I glamorized Anne of Green Gables, the pastoral beauty of the farm really enchanted me and it made me nervous. The things in my life that have held value are things that have initially always made me really, really nervous. I joke that when I met my husband, I’ve never been so, I don’t want to say intimidated, because that comes off wrong, but I was on my heels a little bit. I was like, “Who is this?” He was so larger than life, and I had that same feeling when we first came to the farm of, “Oh, I want to live up to this. This is something to aspire to.” So, I knew I was going to have to learn a lot and give up a lot in order to commit to this lifestyle. It’s not as easy for me to work anymore, but I chose lifestyle over career, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

For people who have been kicked out of their patterns during this quarantine, who are at home for the first time in forever, or who are reckoning with themselves in isolation for the first time in forever, I address a number of those things in the book because that’s what I did 10 years ago when I moved here.

So, if you never acted again, would you be OK with that?

Yeah. Honestly, I have been acting my entire life. I started doing theater when I was eight and I found that my value in acting doesn’t come from how many people watch it, or whether or not it’s a hit on TV, or it’s a movie that does well. My value in acting has always come from the immediate experience in the collaboration.

Even if I was doing local theater here in Rhinebeck, we have the Rhinebeck Performing Arts Center, and I keep saying I’m just going to go direct plays over there because it’s the collaborative experience. It’s always meant so much to me. I like that team spirit. Our children have shown a very big interest in the arts, and it’s very important to their dad and I that they learn the business coming up through community theater, doing it on a small scale, carrying your own props, doing your own hair and makeup, and being the self-sufficient person who’s able to work well with others. That’s really an important life skill and community theater is great for honing that.

Did you ever make it to Paris? It was your dream before meeting Jeffrey.

I did.

But in your mind, Paris was more than an actual destination. It was more of a change that you wanted to make in your life.

I had had my heart set on Paris, because I’d gone on a deep dive into Parisian history and was fixated on revolution. And now, hindsight’s 20/20 of course, I can see why as a young woman, as a 24, 25, 26-year-old woman, I was fixated on revolution, because I had so much turmoil and anger inside of me.

My revolution was saying, “You don’t have control over me anymore,” and that was very empowering. I called Jeffrey and Gus my Paris. In them, I found what I was looking for. They’re my Paris.

I did eventually end up going to Paris. In an odd twist of fate, it was a One Tree Hill convention that took me there, and it was the first time that I’d seen the cast since I’d left the show. So, I was so nervous. I took my childhood best friend with me to be my buffer, and it ended up being such a wonderful, magical experience and such a beautiful reunion with everyone. It was a good way to see Paris.

[diamondsableye]

The Ivory Parasite

The Ivory Parasite

       It's kinda funny how your viewpoint on anything really can be completely shattered within a day, hell, usually it happens in a matter of minutes for most.  Like the time you caught your parents putting presents under a beautifully decorated tree (probably adorned with ornaments yourself) on a chilly Christmas Eve. Or maybe when you lost one of your teeth and didn't tell your parents out of forgetfulness and woke up to the sight of its shiny, pearly color still resting under your pillow.  If you never had any of those wondrous experiences, you are either in denial, or you had no childhood.  Sorry, I'm rambling, aren't I?  Well, the fact of the matter is that I am dying as we speak.  (or type for that matter)   I should probably specify and say that I am dying as the result of becoming a host to a devilishly malicious parasite.  It's almost comical how I thought just a few hours ago that the only real harmful parasites you could get in the modern world were maybe tapeworms, but even then they're easily dealt with and even easier to prevent.  I think I've droned on enough and should probably start explaining how this mess even started. I'm not sure how long the Incubation period lasts, but if this thing takes control of my brain first, then I'm going to speed things along.

   To start off, I should probably give the setting where all this started, which is around the southeastern area of the U.S.  I'm not going to give my precise location in case some idiot tries to be the hero and save me.  Please don't look, really.  I don't know If you can stop whatever is afflicting me once it fully takes hold, and the fewer people I come in contact with, the better.  Anyways I'd advise you not to go out at night, actually, venturing into any dark and moist environment is probably a bad idea as well.  (as you can see, I learned that the hard way.) Lock your windows and doors too, hell carry cyanide around with you too, just anything you can think of to keep yourself safe from this damn parasite!  But I digress, I at least want to get the story of my encounter out there, so you know what to expect, or something like that.

   It all began last night, a particularly humid night for that matter.  I was dealing with lots of stress, from social events to finals and the end of school, and even a few existential crises here and there.  (I have never been sure of my life or anything for that matter.)  So I ventured outside to get some environmental therapy.  I was living in a cheap apartment at the time, (One not even suited for roaches if I might add.) so I threw on some old sweatpants and a hoodie, before deciding to take an Uber out to the local park.  My car at the time was my parent's 'hand me down' and frequently had to go in for maintenance.  I can't get another car that's at least decent for not finding a high paying job fast enough.  (Then again, what kind of high paying job can I really get with an arts degree anyways that doesn't require a minimum of ten years experience?)  I'm getting sidetracked, the point is I was out there alone without any quick way to get back to my small flat.  That didn't really register with me however because I was already in the midst of a full blown panic attack and even the few sentences spoken between me and my driver was enough social interaction for weeks in my troubled mind.

   For a moment I realized that the park was less occupied than usual, but I reasoned with what little sanity I had left, that there were fewer people at night, and I usually strolled through the park grounds during the day.   Using the flashlight on my phone, I decided to take my usual route through the deer trail that I had discovered a few years back, during one of my first few trips here. I should probably mention that I have high functioning autism and some various other mental issues that typically come along with it, like ADHD and anxiety.  My old psychologist that had done social therapy sessions with me during my teenage years recommended that I try nature walks as a form of stress control. So ever since I was about 16 or so, I've frequented this place often and knew most of the east side like my own home. That being said, it was glaringly obvious that my small 'hidden grotto' as I referred to it, had been discovered. I couldn't tell if the damage was done by an animal or a human, but whoever or whatever had done it really ransacked the place.  The overhanging tree next to my climbing rock near the middle area of the clearing had been nearly shredded in half, with deep gashes in the bark.  I was honestly surprised that it was still standing.  Patches of dirt and soil had been torn up from the earth and had been strewn all about the spot of land and the various forms of foliage that dotted the vaguely barren expanse.  Small areas of shrubbery had been completely ripped from the ground from their roots (But not all were in one piece.) and appeared to be thrown around the site.  This set of my already shaken nerves, but oddly enough the urge to run never came. Instead, I was utterly captivated by my own morbid curiosity.

   I know this might sound strange, but I've always had a strange fascination towards the nightmarish and gruesome the world offered me. (Drawing blood is probably one of the most relaxing activities I enjoy.)  It was this bewildering interest that brought me to look closer at some of the stranger markings left in the soft, moldable soil.  I was confused at first, to say the least.  I found myself to be staring at bundles of handprints and footprints littering the topsoil.  The strangest thing was that they weren't positioned in a way I could accurately follow, or to put it simply, there wasn't any way that the prints could've been created that didn't defy the basic laws of human anatomy. Took a mental double take as I re-envisioned the possible movements that would've been taken.  It still didn't add up, even if someone were to scamper around on all fours like some wild creature, there's still no way they could've made those prints.  It was confusing, to say the least, and my tired mind wasn't in the mood to search for a logical explanation.  So, like the idiot I am, I decided to follow the prints deeper into the woods.   I guess it's my fault for always living in a sheltered environment, not knowing how to deal with wandering criminals that would hold you at knifepoint or mentally unsound druggies that would become violent at a moment's notice.

   I was about a few yards into the continuing woods until the dense underbrush became too thick to pass through.  Feeling rather unsatisfied I decided to head on back letting my tired body lead the way until some rustling bushes caught my attention, followed by a small rabbit leap out of them, startling me somewhat.  It was injured, made evident by the long gash on the side of its body, fresh blood staining the otherwise clean pelt of its cream colored hide.  I half pitied its plight while half expecting a wild fox or bobcat to chase it, following suit.  Figuring that there's no reason to stick around my damaged and not so secret anymore grotto, I walked down the deer trail the second time that night, making a mental note to find another, not so banged up hideaway.  I was about halfway through the trail when yet another sound grabbed my attention.  What I heard could only be described as gargling, except it was the lethal kind, like the sound of someone drowning.  Quickly jerking my head around, trying to locate its source, I was met with the complete lack of movement and sound, a silence which no one should ever hear in a forest.  I started to panic, changing my leisurely stroll to a faster half jog.  Eventually, my own nerves got to me to the point where I turned my half jog to a full run.  At that point, every passing branch felt like a limb darting out at me, and every twig became fingers tugging at my hair.  Even my own breath sounded like the pained gasps of someone barely living. Looking back at it now, it might as well have been.

   I decided that I had enough nature for that night and decided to take the trip back home.  The sun had set hours ago, and I really needed to get more sleep thanks to my unshakeable habit of working on projects throughout the night.  I was about to call another Uber when I realized that I didn't have enough pocket money on hand to afford the trip back.  Cursing myself and not wanting to wait half an hour for the next bus, I began the 30-minute trek back home, according to Google maps.  The streets were relatively barren like usual, save for the few partygoers and late night travelers still present.  It was only after a short while did I notice the now unimaginably strong smell of spoiled eggs and soured milk emanating from the resting hood of my jacket. Expecting the worst, I gently slid it off while walking, careful of its disgusting contents, and peered inside the hood.

    It was a finger, a human finger.  One that was green and black from rot and decay, looking weeks old. I threw it to the ground in panic, with questions racing through my mind faster than the lead car in the Indie 500. The most notable one being "how?".  Maybe there was a dead body in the canopy above me?  Somehow it got picked up when I was running?  I was trying to come up with a reason for it, any reason at all. I flashed back to the rabbit I saw fleeing the clearing with the gash along its abdomen.  It was made by a fox or wolf or some other natural predator right?

   "Hey doll, ya looks as if ya seen a ghosts or somethins. Ya interested 'n a drinks?" A large, mildly intoxicated man called out to me, breaking me out of my haze.  He chuckled heartily, seeing me physically jump, escaping my stupor.  I hadn't realized I had passed by the rather shabby bar that served as my one fourth distance landmark.  Glancing up at the one bright, now barely functioning neon sign, it read "Al's Ale".  I chortled to myself at the thought of a balding man somewhere in his forties and who was most likely an alcoholic at that managing to snap me back to reality faster than my nature walk.

   "What? Are ya deaf or somethins?  Don't leaves me hangin ya pretty thing, I knows ya wants ta shares a shots or twos wif ol' Sammy heres" he continued with a more pronounced lisp.

   "Oh, ah.  N-No thanks, good-uh-sir." I responded in my usual, stutter riddled fashion. Hearing this, he let out a hearty laugh before retorting

   "No mores al-alcohol for ya! Sounds ta me that ya alreadys got enoughs sweet cheeks."

   "Yeah, I-I buh-better get, uh going." I meekly responded before continuing my way back home.

   "Yeah!  Party hard sugar tits!" he called out after me.  

   Pretty soon 'Sammy's' cries along with the general ruckus of the bar faded behind me as I continued on towards my apartment complex, leaving me alone with the general ambiance of the near barren street and my own thoughts echoing their hushed worried tones throughout my head. However, something lingered throughout the general atmosphere of the city's slum.  The general disturbance caused by the strays and the alley cats had disappeared, but they hadn't vanished completely. Instead, they were replaced with something one would describe as being more calculated.  It wasn't like the usual white noise of scurrying paws, and occasional growls, barks, and hisses during a scrap over food or turf.  This was very different.  It was what sounded like distant, haggard breaths, the creeping sway of determined movement and, the slight shuffle of something being dragged along the ground. I told myself that this wasn't out of the ordinary, that this was just some old, late night janitor making his rounds, garbage bag in tow.  

   I wasn't buying my cheap, half-hearted explanations, and becoming more vigilant than usual, began to look around for the probable cause.  I told myself that I was just overreacting, that whatever this was is entirely logical.  Within one quick glance, however, nearly all thoughts that this was the result of something ordinary completely vanished.  I had locked eyes with dead ones.  However, they retreated back into the alley from which they had appeared from as quickly as I had caught sight of them.  I started off in a full blown sprint, nearly tripping on the uneven sidewalk. However, even with adrenaline coursing through me as my fuel, I have to admit that I was not terribly overweight, but I still was extremely out of shape.  Needless to say, I couldn't keep running for too long and soon had to revert back to a slow walk.  I didn't know what it was, or if it was following me, but I rejoiced at the sound of the usual city sounds enveloping the streets and alleyways once more. However, my good news stopped there as I had missed a turn in my hurry and was still about 15 minutes away from my apartment.  

   The rest of the trip back was agonizingly painful, jumping at every sound I heard.  I doubted my sanity, but the world provided me with a harsh reality check each time I fell into questioning myself by gifting me with unnatural sights just at the edges of my vision, darting into some unknown hiding spot each time it presented itself.  Maybe a rotting limb here, a fractured bone there, or maybe a spindly, Ivory appendage crawling back behind the corner it came from.  I wasn't sure what was real anymore, only finding solace in my own room once home, locking the door just in case.

   I brewed some tea for myself, not for taste but for stress relief as I settled down in my bedroom.  By that point, it had started to rain, and I gladly settled down, relieved that I had not been caught in the steady downpour.  The rhythmic beat of the rain put me at ease hearing its patter against the windowpane.  It was almost surreal.  The effect of the rain and tea combined began to lull me into a trance like state as I casually drifted between consciousness.  I awaited the warm welcome of sleep, resting underneath my bed covers. However, this was interrupted by an unusual tapping at my window. Half expecting it to be tree branches or something of the like, I remembered that trees only tapped against the windows of my parent's house and that there aren't trees outside of the building.  I jerked my head around almost hard enough to pull a muscle at the realization and turned to see several black tendrils retreating upwards.  

   I sat in stunned silence for a moment before reality came crashing down on me and bolted towards my kitchen.  I grabbed a knife along with my phone and keys and was heading out my apartment door when I heard the window to my living room shatter.  I was taking no chances and decided to call the police. Running down the halls towards the stairs, I glanced over my shoulder to find whatever it was already close behind after reducing my door to splinters.  Taking off down the stairs, I tried to explain to the operator what was happening as best I could.  It wasn't far behind, I could hear its wheezing breaths inching closer and closer to me.  I finally saw the door to the main parking lot, taking my chance, I shoved open the double doors for myself and slammed them behind me into the creature.  I actually managed to cut off some of the tendrils with the door as I shut it, and I could hear it screech in pain as they were sliced.  I checked my phone to make sure I was still on the line, and I was notified that dispatch was on their way and would arrive soon.  For the briefest of moments, I really thought I was going to make out of this alive.  That feeling was all too early shattered as the creature started to forcefully pound at the doors.  It only took a few strikes for it to force its way out, and I was finally able to see the beast in all its glory.

   It used to be a girl, now broken by what I am sure to be a vile parasite.  Her body was mangled nearly to pieces and was experiencing severe decay.  The gray skin had rotted of her completely in some places, exposing some of her bones and deteriorated muscle.  The black tendrils had actually been eye stalks and had a bright white orb among each tip, and they seeped out of every hole and tear in the skin.  I could see them writhing underneath.  The legs along with the pelvis and spine had been spun until they faced backward, and the neck was broken, leaving the head to freely move limply around in the dead flesh. I also noticed that the body was missing a foot and several fingers.  However, that was only what used to be human, the real parasite showed itself by the various ivory, insect-like limbs that jutted out from broken arms at the elbow, what remained of the ribcage, and from inverted legs. To my horror, it seemed that somehow, the girl was still alive, as I could hear her shallow breaths as she struggled to breathe.  I could see her twitching in pain at the touch of those stalks wriggling under her skin. I could hear what remained of her vocal chords trying to cry out, but only giving off a gargle as they decomposed and stirred into her own rotting flesh.

   I was frozen in fear, I tried to move, tried to shout for someone anyone to help me, but the only thing I managed to do was give off a pitiful whimper of fear as the parasite advanced towards me.  It swiftly picked me up with the two front legs extruding outward from under the rotting skin of her arms.  As it cradled me in its strong grasp, the rotten and broken human arms once belonging to the girl clasped onto my shoulders, dragging me closer to her face.  She tilted her head to a close upright position, and her once brown hair, now blackened and matted fell from her face and drifted across mine.  I wanted to die from the smell alone.  I would've vomited had I not skipped dinner, never the less I retched and recoiled from being as close as I was to her face.  Her eyes once dead in her sockets I'm now sure were peering right through me into my very soul.  Slowly she opened her mouth, and two more small insect-like appendages revealed themselves extending from the tears in her neck.  Without warning the ivory limbs attached themselves into my jaw, forcing it open.  As the girl's mouth kept widening, the smell as impossible as it seemed, continued to get worse, and I was crying from the horrid aroma.  I watched and felt as she gave me what only could be described as a kiss of death, that is, my widened mouth on her gaping one, and having what was left of her almost completely shredded lips hanging down in thin raggedy pieces darting across my face.  Soon enough she extended her tongue down my throat, far longer than any human's tongue and I felt something crawl down it, something horribly rancid.  With that, the creature withdrew its tongue, dropped me on the pavement and left.  I couldn't make out where it was going to in my shock, and I just lied down in defeat. I cried until the police showed up and I kept crying afterward.  I think at some point they tried to explain to me that what occurred was just a home invasion and I must have dreamed up the rest.  

   I want to believe them, I want to think that they're right, but I can't.  I can't when I can feel this parasite moving inside me.  I feel what I think are more tendrils moving around inside my skin, and see my blonde hair turn dark and have patches of skin turn gray with rot. I know I'll be like her soon, and I can feel it growing inside me.  It's getting harder to breathe, and type, and think, and I didn't sleep at all last night. I wonder what will happen If I kill myself, will I still live and turn into that thing?  Or will I kill the parasite along with myself as it's host? I know I can't go anywhere or see anyone. Otherwise, I might spread it more, despite the urges telling me to visit my friends or family or just go out into the grotto one last time.  I'm trying to fight it, but I don't know how long I can keep it at bay.  I really do think yhis thin is tryun to git in m hed bc I fel ih t gt n.

 Sorry for the ruckus!  I went to the officials, and they say that I'm all better so no need to worry!

That being said, does anyone want to trade contact info?  I'd love to meet some of you IRL, you know, in real life?  Anyhow, ring me up if you want to meet!

After all, I make for great company.

[rogue-jester365]

His Tears, Her Demons(Castlevania Fanfiction)

Author: Rogue-Jester365 (on Wattpad with the same name and my account on Deviantart called DecemberOwl)

Disclaimer: As all of you know, I do not Adrien "Alucard " Tepes. He belongs to the creators of the Castlevania games and show.

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Chapter 4: First Day and New Arrival

Cristine

The day began with the sun shining brightly, almost like any other day. Only this time, I couldn't worry about the worst of things, at least not yet anyway since Adrien allowed me to stay with him. I felt as though he was too kind for letting me stay with him. Part of me thought he was just lonely, another part of me thought that he had an ulterior motive. But I perished the thought.

My eyelids opened slightly before I yawned. I then sat up and stretched my arms out a little. Part of me still wanted to lay in bed a little longer but the rest of me refused to let me waste the day any longer than it had to.

I get out of bed and left the room to search for my friend. But that is proven difficult due to the many hallways and many rooms this home of his contained.

As I searched for him, I look around the place with awe from the interesting architecture this place had and the paintings on the walls.

I stopped in my trails when one of the paintings caught my eye. The painting contained three individuals: One of them was a tall, dark man who looked to be in his forties, one was a woman in bright attire who was much shorter and appeared to be in her mid-twenties, and the third one was an infant child in white and blue, being held by the woman. I tilted my head to the side a little, looking at the painting a little closer.

I gasp in surprise when I feel a cold hand on my shoulder. I quickly turn and it was Adrien.

" You scared me.", I told him.

" Apologies, I had no intention of doing so.", he responded with a small smile but when he looked up at the painting, it disappears. I look back at the painting and point to it." Is that you and your parents?", she asked him.

" It is.", he answered.

"Your mother was beautiful.", I complimented. She truly was a sight to behold.

" She was, inside and out.", he acknowledged in a soft and seemingly tired tone. I turned my head and saw a bit of grief in his eyes. The death of his mother still affected him.

After a few small moments, he looked back at me in a more emotionless expression." I went to look for you in your bedroom but you were already gone. ", he said.

" Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for you, but this castle is so large and confusing, I couldn't find you. This place is like a maze.", I explained to him with sincerity.

" Perhaps after breakfast, I should give you a tour of the place.", he told me then began to walk. I began to follow him when he became a few steps away.

I sat down in one of the chairs when we got to the kitchen. He served a bit of porridge with a few berries in it." Is it good?", he asked.

I looked at him and nodded my head a yes since my mouth was full at the moment. The taste was delicious with the berries.

We spent the next minute in silence as we ate. My eyes wandered a little as we did. Most of the time they would be directed at the two dolls. I could tell that he noticed when I heard him sigh. I looked at him after that." They are distracting, aren't they?", he asked.

" I never said that they were.", I told him. That was a lie, they were distracting me. In a way, they almost creeped me out, like I was being watched by those button eyes of theirs.

" I know", he stated," but I can tell that they are. You have been glimpsing at them a lot now."

I look down at my remaining few bites of food as a distraction since I didn't want to keep looking at the dolls. " No need to feel ashamed about it.", he told me, probably trying to comfort me or whatever it is he was trying to do.

" I just don't want to embarrass you.", I told him.

" Embarrass me from what? No one else his here.", I hear him almost chuckle.

I looked at him a small moment then back at the food as I finished it. I then get out of my chair, then he does the same." Shall we begin?", I hear him ask. I turn to him and nod my head a yes.

We spent the morning with him giving me a tour of the castle. As fascinating as it was, I still felt lost due to how large it was and the many rooms and hallways it contained." I am probably going to have to make a map of this place.", I thought to myself.

" Your home is quite fascinating, Adrien. I never thought I would be in an actual castle.", I told him as we walked.

" Well, now you are, how does it feel?", he asked me.

" It feels... Different, really.", I answered," I would imagine that many people would live here to where it would be crowded. But it's all more empty and much easier to get lost in.". I then looked at him. He seemed distracted by something else. He was looking down with a facial expression that looked as though he was just slapped in the face out of nowhere.

" Adrien?", I said in a gentle tone to get his attention, he didn't respond. I took a step closer to him with my arm reaching for him. I then took another step and another until my hand had touched his shoulder, as I did so I said his name again," Adrien.".

He turned his head towards me with his eyes widened, he seemed like he forgot that I was there that time." Are you alright?", I asked him with concern," You seem troubled or distracted. Is something on your mind?". He then started to notice my hand on his shoulder. Before I could take it off his shoulder, his hand was already around my wrist. His thumb was stroking it a little as he slowly moved my hand away from his shoulder and said with a calm expression," I'm fine, I just was... Just thinking was all. I need to clear my head for a bit if you don't mind.".

He then lets go of my wrist and it went back to my side." What thoughts are troubling you?", I asked him.

" A lot of things, most of them I prefer not to share.", he answered.

" Are you sure?", I persisted to know since my curiosities would often get the best of me.

"Yes, I am sure.", he responded. I nodded my head since it was best that I didn't pry into more of the details.

" I will be back a bit later.", I heard him say before he began to walk away," I just need to clear my head. Don't get too adventurous here, I would hate for you to get lost again.". He almost smiled at the end of his last sentence, like he attempted to make a joke out of it.

I just smiled back at him and nodded in response. He then opens the door and exits the castle.

I then looked down as my smile left my face. Just to pass the time, I went to his library to read. I look through the bookcases to find anything interesting to read. I grabbed a book about the anatomy of vampires. It was quite an interesting page-turner. I sat down at one of the chairs as I read it to pass the time until Adrien came back.

Which didn't take long.

______________________________________

I was sitting in one of the chairs in the castle library, I then heard the front door open, figuring it was him. I closed the book then put it back in the bookcase. I walked out of the library to see him. Only when I saw him, he wasn't the only one there this time. A man and woman came with him. They both had dark hair and

I stood there in silence as I saw the two people with him. The man had curly hair tied up, he carried a bow with him, he wore an unusual attire. The woman had her hair down, had a headband on, and looked as equally as odd as the man with fur tied to her back. Both had dark, dark eyes, tan skin, and looked to be in their early to mid-twenties.

" Adrien?", I caught their attention when I said my friend's name. All three of them were looking directly at me, while my direction was specifically at Adrien's.

" Who are those two people?", I asked him.

" Cristine, this is Taka and Sumi. They come here to seeking knowledge. They will be our guests for the time being.", Adrien answered me, lifting his hand slightly in their direction as he said it before lowering back to his side. I looked at the two guests. Taka had a small smile on his face, while Sumi's smile was slightly bigger. Strangely, a small part of me had a bad feeling about them but wasn't sure why. I ignored that part by giving them a welcoming smile since the feeling was probably because they were new." It is lovely to meet you both.", told them.

" Lovely to meet you too, Ms.Cristine.", Taka said back.

" You're beautiful.", Sumi then added. I could tell that was blushing a little since my cheeks felt a bit warm.

" Er... Thank you.", I responded a bit nervously since I was not used to being complimented.

" I am taking them to the kitchen for a bit of wine. Would you like to join us, Cristine?", Adrien asked. Just when I was about to accept, the part of me that had a bad vibe about the guests had returned." Don't go near them.", it said to me," They can't be trusted." I wanted to ignore that part of but rather doing that I gave in.

" No, thank you.", I politely refused," I'm not really in the mood for wine."

Just before Adrien could respond Sumi then said while shrugging," Then I won't have any either.". Everyone looked at her with a bit of confusion and surprise, including me. It was a bit odd for her to deny it too. Sumi then walked over with the same smile as before, then wrapped an arm around my shoulders when she stood next to me." I'll just hang with Cristine here instead.", she continued.  I looked at her with an odd expression than at the two men. Adrien raised an eyebrow at us. I looked back at Sumi.

" What?", she said with slight confusion then casually explained," It's been forever since I hung out with a girl, so why not?".

" Really? Was that true?", I wondered. What life did this woman live? Was it bad or boring or... I wasn't too sure about it. I looked back at Adrien to see what he thought.

" Well, I suppose if Cristine is alright with it.", he spoke, seemingly concerned, confused, and calm about it at the same time," Are you?".

" I don't mind.", I answered him, shaking my head slightly, ignoring the bad vibe again. I didn't know I did have a bad vibe anyway. Was it because they were new or no? Was it because they are here for something else or not? I didn't know what it was.

" Guess it's more wine for you and me, Alucard.", Taka spoke with some enthusiasm.

" It appears so.", Adrien responded to Taka before telling me and Sumi," We will see you in a short while then.". I nodded at him. The two men then walked away to the kitchen as I felt Sumi's arm came off me. I looked up at her since she was taller than I was. I took a step back to give each other some space.

" So, where would you like to chat?", Sumi asked.

" Well... We could go to the library and chat. I was reading about astrology.", I answered.

" Astrology? That sounds quite interesting. ", she replied," Let's do that then.". I smiled a bit and led her to the library. We talked for what seemed to be hours and bonded quite well. We shared our pasts and I immediately felt sorry for her and Taka. I even ignored my bad vibes again and again after hearing. She suffered many severe traumas than I.

[josephpauldigitalagency]

SEO vs SEM:Which One Should You Use?

There are two ways to get traffic to your website from Google. Paid and organic. Also known as SEO vs SEM.

Paid Traffic happens when you pay the search engine, Google or other search engines, basically, so they show your website whenever someone does a relevant search. This is also known as Search Engine Marketing (SEM).

Organic Traffic happens when your website gets clicks for free because you have a piece of content so good that Google shows your website. This is known as Search Engine Optimization (SEO).

So which one is better? SEM or SEO?

Obviously, both require an investment.

You cannot expect to launch your new website, publish a couple of blog posts, and see hundreds of visitors pouring into your site. That’s not how it works. You need SEO to see organic traffic.

You have probably seen proof of this on your own website. It’s been up for a while, but it’s not getting any leads. If you’re a local business, you can use our free SEO audit tool to see what your local business could be doing to get more traffic.

On the other hand, paying for traffic can get costly and get zero ROI if you don’t do it right.

So the question is not which is better.

The question between SEO and SEM is which one is right for you?

The Difference between SEO and SEM

To understand the difference between SEO and SEM you have to know what’s in the Search Engine Results Page (SERP). Don’t worry, I know it’s a lot of acronyms to keep track of, but I promise that’s the last one.

The SERP has basically three parts:

Paid Results

Organic Results

Knowledge Graph Box (though this one doesn’t always show up)

Now that you understand that, we can see where everything goes.

What does SEM look like?

Think of a Google search you’ve done recently. Do you recall noticing how some of the results had the word “Ad” next to it?

That’s Search Engine Marketing for you.

Paying a search engine means you get to show up before the organic results on a search engine results page.

Remember the three parts of the Search Engine Results Page? Paid Ads go at least on top of everything else, and sometimes at the bottom of the list and even to the right.

Visually they’re almost exactly the same. The difference is that because those paid ads are the first thing people saw as a result of their search, it’s more likely that they’ll click on it.

How much does it cost me to run paid Google Ads?

There are a few ad campaign models you can test, but there it boils down to two ways:

Pay per click

Pay per impressions

We won’t go into detail with this, because we could write a book about this. But you can check out the Google Ads homepage for more info.

But essentially, Pay Per Click means you pay Google only whenever someone clicks on your ad.

Pay per Impressions means you pay Google for every 1,000 times they show your ad, regardless if they click on it or not.

Most recommendations go with Pay Per Click as the best bang for your buck.

Search Engine Marketing is very sophisticated, and I wouldn’t recommend you go in without some training or professional help. You can burn a decent amount of money very quickly and get no results.

When is SEM recommended?

Search Engine Marketing is the best at getting results quickly. You set up your campaign, put your credit card info in, and you can be running a campaign within minutes.

So if you need traffic to your website quickly, paid ads are the way to go.

SEM can be useful for basically anything time-sensitive. Think of products like events, limited-time sales, seasonal events, and things like that.

Paying to get quick traffic can work for you, especially in situations like that.

The downside is that the moment you stop paying, the ads stop, and the traffic stops.

What does SEO look like?

Back to our SERP (the results page, just a quick reminder) anatomy class.

SEO looks like organic results. The organic results section has far more variety and richness of content than SEM.

We may be biased but look at it.

Look at all those beautiful organic results.

When you invest in getting organic traffic, you can rank content like:

Blog posts

Videos

Maps

Reviews

Calls to Action

Tools

FAQ

Images

Charts

Catalogs

How long does it take to see results from an SEO campaign?

Yes, investing in SEO takes time. Usually, 3 to 6 months is the ideal scenario to start seeing results, but it all depends on your industry, who you’re competing against.

But the advantage of SEO is that once you rank something, whether it’s a blog post or a video or whatever excellent piece of content you produced, it’s going to be up there, generating juicy organic traffic for months, even years. For free.

When it works, it works.

And it only gets better.

Once you rank one thing, it’s easier to rank the second. And the third after that, and so on. The more content you rank, the more traffic you get, the more website authority you get, which leads to other sections being able to rank easier, which leads to more traffic and, well, you get the idea.

SEO has the advantage of having the potential for exponential growth. SEM doesn’t.

The only way to grow an SEM campaign is to put in more money.

The mindset of SEO vs. SEM

Because SEM costs you money every time someone clicks on your ad, you want that wherever that person lands after the click, converts into a potential customer.

So this is the part where we talk about your landing page.

How to Setup Your SEM Landing Pages

Another difference between SEO and SEM is where your visitors land. This is called Landing Page.

When you are paying for ads, the landing page is meant to convert. So the elements in it should be different. It’s supposed to be a bit more aggressive so to speak.

For this, you need great copy, clear calls to action, a fast loading page, content that generates trust so that your visitor does what you want them to do.

Something interesting to point out is that usually, a Landing Page of this type does not have a menu. This is so that whoever lands on this page literally can’t do anything but click on the button or leave.

The goal of an SEM Landing Page is for your visitor to convert.

How to Setup your SEO Landing Pages

SEO landing pages are different in that the primary goal is not to convert them to customers. SEO landing pages are there to build trust and convert leads.

You do this by providing free, useful, easy to read information.

You do this with well-researched articles.

You do this with awesome graphics and videos.

You do this by building useful tools they can use.

There are many things you can do to improve your local website ranking. Everything counts, and everything adds to the winning strategy.

So that when they decide to contact you, half of the sales process is done because you already gave them the information they need to make a purchase with you.

SEO vs. SEM, the Bottomline

There is space for both SEO and SEM strategies for any business. Most times, the best results happen when you are doing the two things at once.

But you need to understand what each strategy will give you.

SEO will give you:

Loyal Customers. They trust your brand. They didn’t just click your ad because you were offering the most attractive solution. Whoever offers something cheaper, bigger, flashier, will take your sale.

Build Authority. Since you’ve already given free information and displayed your knowledge in your field, you’re going to be viewed as an authority.

Continual ROI. Invest in SEO and whatever growth you get will continue to deliver for months or even years.

Easier Sales Process. Websites that invest in SEO have websites that give people useful information so that when they do call you, half of the questions they had were already answered on your website.

SEO takes time, a lot of research, and content creation. If you can afford to be patient, SEO is a long-term high reward strategy that lasts for a long time.

SEM will give you:

Fast Results. You put in the money, you get visitors. Your SEM specialist will handle optimization and making sure you are getting the right traffic.

SEM is faster to set up, but it needs a lot of testing and optimization. You can spend a lot of money just to get the campaign right. SEM is a strategy that can be profitable but can get expensive. And of course, the moment you stop the campaign, the traffic stops.

The post SEO vs SEM:Which One Should You Use? appeared first on Joseph Paul Digital Agency.

[collaborativeprojectjwba3a]

Reflective Journal

Week 1

This week saw the beginning of character creation. I decided to start off with making the stuffed Bear as it should be much easier to create than either of the humanoid characters or the monster. I worked on developing its appearance by comparing stuffed bears from different eras and of different styles and determining which would work best in terms of animation. I wanted something that could suitably deform and be posed in ways that wouldn’t look unusual or impossible for the model. I settled on something that looks quite similar to the design from the original artwork as a lot of older designs featured more rigid skeletons and some more recent ones have heavily exaggerated body features (massive heads - little body) that wouldn’t look right in motion.

Week 2

I went straight into modelling the Bear this week. Working with Maya I have learned there is quite a sharp learning curve and I don’t want to have all my character designs finalised only to find they’re impractical to create and require further work in order to function. In conjunction with modelling the Bear I have been watching and reading various guides/tutorials on modelling for animation. Modelling characters is relatively new to me, in the past I’ve either used pre-existing character rigs or utilised MakeHuman to speed up the modelling process, often to ill effect.

Week 3

A continuation of modelling this week. At this stage I feel confident in taking my time with this. In my experience with Maya I am well versed with the compounding effect of doing something wrong/poorly and ignoring it only for its negative impact to be felt much worse later on. The Bear is simplistic by design and shouldn’t cause too many issues (it’s the humanoid characters that pose the greatest hurdle). However getting a good understanding of this now should only serve to benefit me later. Research into good modelling techniques continues and I’ve acquired more books on Anatomy for Art, Topology, Faces for Animation, Rigging and Sculpting, there is a mix of information that is both a bit simple for where I am at in my understanding of Maya as well stuff that is a bit beyond my current level, but I am finding it useful.

Week 4

Now satisfied with my Bear model I moved onto texturing. Texturing I have the least experience with (which showed greatly in my last project) but I am making an effort to get a better understanding of UV Mapping, the tools associated with it and the techniques that go into creating it. However I think I made a mistake in doing this before Rigging. Applying textures to my model has allowed me to see flaws in its geometry that I had not seen previously and address them, which subsequently meant retexturing it. Once I start rigging having the freedom to alter the model to ensure the best possible deformity means foregoing the textures. Now I’m going to have to retexture once I’ve rigged or avoid changing the model. Obviously the former is better in the long run and at least I’ve learnt for future endeavours.

Week 5

I’ve decided on the textures I want for the Bear, now it’s a matter of whether or not the rig will require me to change it, but so far so good. The rig for the bear is simple as complex movement isn’t necessary. Since the Bear is stuffed and doesn’t technically have joints I’m not bothering with IK Handles. When the Bear is limp the arms and legs should hang which means the elbows and knees should be able to bend the other way. It makes posing more time consuming but not impossible. As the Bear will mostly be inanimate for the duration of the film it’s more important that it looks good then. Rigging has been an on going process for me as it is something I have a lot of experience doing I’m just not particuarly good at it. That said I do enjoy it. The more technical, problem solving aspect is a nice break from drawing and modelling, which do have a level of technicality to them just not to the same degree as rigging. As per usual I’ve been doing research into rigs, watching tutorials and deferring to the few books I have on it to inform my process. Since the Bear Rig is simple by design I haven’t had too much trouble with it, once I weight paint it will show any real issues but for now the standard deformation is good if unrefined. I was also able to get the Blendshapes done this week. They’re very simple with all the expression in the eyes, rather than subdividing all of the emotions into smaller movements I just did it eye for eye. The Bear doesn’t need to express complex emotions so it’s limited to the most basic ones. The props for the Bear were also completed this week. They were very quick to model and texture, as far as rigging does it’s just a matter of posing them correctly which shouldn’t be too difficult.

Week 6

With the Bear more or less finished I moved onto designing the Father character. I have a lot of books on character drawing and anatomy which I purchased during previous years and a couple this year and has informed a lot of my drawing work over the past three years. The Fathers original design was based on some anatomy work I’ve done in the past drawing simple male body forms. I started with a more muscle figure and refined it into something a bit lankier as it was a better fit for the temperament of the character. The face was designed loosely off my own face as it was the easiest to reference, I tried to cartoonise it for a more stylised look than what I typically do. Hopefully this should all make rigging and facial animation far better and less uncanny valley.

Week 7

Modelling began this week and I picked up my research into topology for animation. Previous research had been geared towards more simplistic characters as well as covering some more basic stuff, I’ve now started delving into more complex stuff in an effort to get better results. So far I’m really happy with the work I’ve produced and am moving towards finalising the Mesh so I can begin rigging, blendshapes and finally texturing.

Week 8

With the geometry now complete I can look forward to making the rig. I am pleased with how it turned out particularly the head. There are some flaws and my process was a bit sloppy but that’s something that will improve over time. For now though it turned out better than I had expected and am hoping the rigging process doesn’t prove problematic or force me to make too many changes to the mesh.

Week 9

I created the Blendshapes for the Father this week. I’m holding off on rigging until I feel a bit more confident with my understanding of how I intend to do it. The Blendshapes are numerous and should cover enough micro-expressions to get every emotion I need to convey, I even accounted for some I know I don’t need incase the story elements change. Some of them look good, others I’m not so sure on. This has been on ongoing problem with Blendshapes and I but I’ve always put it down to the model itself being the issues.

Week 10

Holding off on the rigging, I began on creating the Daughter. In a similar vein as before I used an anatomical adult female as reference for the initial drawing which was refined and then scaled using a child as reference for the scaled down proportions. I then scaled up the head size and eyes while scaling the mouth and nose down to make her seem younger and more innocent. I’m a bit uncertain with how the face looks but that might just be my attempts at drawing a head I’m envision as 3D and trying to accurately represent it as 2D.

Week 11

I modelled the Daughter this week and am ecstatic with how it turned out. I was able to do it much quicker than previously by just streamlining the process now I’m more adept at it. A lot of the mistakes I made previously were avoided and the end result shows it. As always improvements can be made but I’m definitely more confident with this kind of work now.

Week 12

I’ve gone straight into creating the Blendshapes as the head is unlikely to change. I made even more this time around as her expressions are more vital than the fathers and it’s important I have enough versatility to get it all right when needed. Reaching a point of confidence I’ve rigged her too. Much like the Bear her Rig is on the simpler side as she does not move much. I’ve mostly just been testing the Key poses I know I need to ensure everything looks good.

Week 13

Having more or less finished work on the daughter and feeling all the more confident in my ability for it I returned to the Father character to get his rig done. It became apparent straight away that his geometry was sub-par. I remember being happy with it at the time but now having worked on the Daughter I’m not so sure. It may have been that I was working on him for so long that I became blind to the problems and that spending time away from it working on something else allowed me to see it through fresh eyes. Or it was the shear superiority of the Daughters mesh that made my improvement all the more obvious to me. Either way there is a clear disparity between them and I felt compelled to try and fix it. The advice given at the start of my first year was that if it goes wrong digital work is disposable, throw it away and start again. I debated this extensively as starting over would almost certainly net me a better mesh which would benefit me going forward. However at this point I’m closing in towards the end and I’m consciences of Submission. The Render Service that is being tested would mean I don’t have to worry about leaving enough time to Render so I could spend more time doing other things, which could be remodelling. With all that considered, I elected to spend the week working on the mesh, particularly the head, to try and improve it to a comparable level of the daughter. While improvements were made it’s still not quite up to par, but I can’t spend more time on it and need to just move on.

Week 14

This week I alternated between Weight Painting the existing meshes and developing the Set. The Weight Painting has been pretty straight forward but monotonous, I watched a few tutorials on it that covered some complex stuff and found it to be a bit beyond what I needed. I just need good deformation without any glaring issues which is easier said than done. Now more than before I’m noticing where the geometry is lacking in terms of vertices I can utilise. It’s important that I get to the point where I can start animating so I’m not going to worry with overcomplicating things and just work with what I’ve got.      The Set has been straightforward enough. I’ve made a standard room and given it enough furniture to convey what it is meant to be. It could use more details to make it a bit more natural and look less like a set but other than that it’s good for what it is.

Week 15

Continuation of Weight Painting has seen some issues arise but after some troubleshooting and swearing I’ve been able to resolve nearly all of them, some required more work than others and I may of had to repaint an entire model but it’s all good now. The set has been duplicated and altered for each camera angle so it doesn’t get in the way of any shots. I’ve tested the scaling and it’s all good so now it’s just a matter of getting the blocking all done so I can move on with Animation.

Week 16

I was able to block out the entire animation this week. I had some issues in doing so, most notably the entire animation was Splined, meaning all movements have ease-in, ease-out and transition fluidly from one position to the next. This isn’t even remotely ideal as it means there is a lot of unwanted movement that has to be removed as it will get exemplified when I add in more key frames. It shouldn’t have done this to begin with as it was set to Linear Tangents but right now I don’t have time to sort it out so I’m just going to work with it. I’ve also noticed issues with weight painting in some niche cases so I keep going back and forth between the scene and the referenced files fixing out of place weighting. With the Deadline looming nearer and mistakes popping up left and right it’s more about fixing what I can and just working through everything else so that I can stay on schedule. To that end certain issues with characters won’t be resolved and as such a lot of the camera work has been changed to show the Father as little as possible. If he’s in frame it’s either at a distance or the edge of it as an over-the-shoulder shot. Also at this point its very clear I won’t have time to make the monster so I’m cutting the animation short. It should still tell a complete story just not exactly the one I wanted.

Week 17

I went through and cleaned up a lot of the animation work, issues with clipping should be resolved and most of the easing should be gone. I still need to work on pacing and timing of certain motions, it’s still a bit robotic and some moments are needlessly quick. I also had to go through and fix some more weight painting issues with the characters, some of it’s not going to get better but I can at least make it less obvious. The book needed more blendshapes as it was a bit too noticeable when it was messing up, ideally it would be rigged but there isn’t the time for that now. 

Week 18

I am very much a perfectionist when it comes to most things. I like everything to be exactly how I envision it and am wholly disappointed when it’s not. Something I’ve been learning over the years is to accept that not everything can be as I want it to be and to not be so disappointed when it inevitably isn’t perfect. I am far better at that now than I have ever been. There are lots of flaws with this project and things that aren’t how I wanted them to be but I’m not upset by that. A lot of what I have done is far better than I could do last year or even 6 months ago and it will invariably be even better 6 months from now. There is a week left till submission and not much will change from here. The work has been submitted to Render though there are issues with it rendering in Arnold which is beyond my control at this point so I will just have to take it as it is. All I can do now is get everything else ready for Submission and potentially work on this afterwards to try and get a bit closer to my desired outcome.

Week 19

This week has mostly consisted of compiling everything while I waited to see the results of my Render Submission. It’s probably one of my least stressful submission weeks of the three years as I’m not having to Animate + Render + Compile everything all while none of it’s finished and I hate it all. Most things have been done just not arranged in a neat and tidy way suitable for submission.

That being said the results of my Render Submission weren’t promising. There was an issue with the Render Service rendering in Arnold that was resulting in all of the frames being covered in Watermarks and even covered in Watermarks it still hadn’t finished rendering. Having spoken with the technician, we attempted to better optimise my scenes for faster renders without losing too much quality. We didn’t make much progress. Instead we systematically went through each material/texture and changed it to VRay as the Render Service had no issue with VRay renders and it could be better optimised. Once that was complete it was submitted to Render again. There is a noticeable difference in quality between my Test Arnold Renders and the VRay render. Some of the materials couldn’t be accurately transferred across and as such look different. The biggest problem however came with “Scene Six” which either encountered errors during the rendering process, or was unfinished when I came to collect it. Furthermore it appears there was an issue with the visibility of some of the layers that meant multiple objects were rendered on top of one another resulting in some horrendous clipping. My intent was to fix the scene and Render it again but a reoccurring issue I’ve been having is that whenever I open the Scene it has to relocate the Reference files, when I try to redirect it to the right file it instantly closes the File Directory window and moves to the Next reference doing the exact same thing. Meaning I can’t open the file as it deletes all my Characters and Props from the scene and I can’t stop it from doing it. I have a lot of work still to do for other projects so it’s difficult to justify using up a whole day going in to Uni to render around 200 Frames. Since much else of the Animation is unfinished I don’t take mush issue with submitting as is. My plan has always been to continue working on it post-submission in order to get it ready for the Degree show.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

MAPMAKERS DELIBERATELY PUT SLIGHT MISTAKES IN THEIR MAPS SO THEY CAN CONTINUE TO LEARN

Inside their heads a giant house of cards is tottering. It's sometimes argued that we should ignore cases where someone knows what to do with the kids. Ok, he replied. If it gets easier to hold in your head that you really can get a product visionary as CEO is for him to come asking for it. When I was a bit surprised. What Do You Need for Server-Based Software? Then it's mechanical; phew. 13,2009 at 2:21 AM subject: Re: airbnb There's a lot to say about such and such elementary school, but at its strongest it is far stronger. It gives us an excuse for being lazy. And so began the study of literature. A good programming language should be interactive, and start asking, could this be true?1

You can compile or run code while compiling, and read or compile code at runtime. But on average I'll take Cambridge conversations over New York.2 I had time to work. I'm a little leery of using the term greedily when writing about fundraising lest non-programmers misunderstand me, but a razor is much smaller commitment than a Web terminal.3 When you stretch before running, you put your product in beta. Not politically, of course. In fact, worse than arrogant: since readers are used to a world in which bad ideas win. Innocence is also open-mindedness. As we were in junior high school, flushing out all the details, and even they are more afraid of you than you think. There is a lot more work than hiring someone.

And in addition there's sometimes a cascading effect. We conveniently forget that the Soviet Union didn't have a computer industry, it remained for students at specific colleges for quite a while.4 They are to the core. If having less power prevents investors from overcontrolling startups, it was a good plan. If I know the afternoon is going to end badly.5 If we improve your outcome by more than 43% just to be able to shift toward consulting. I use as a todo list. Meanwhile a similar fragmentation was happening at the other four languages. It seems to me that there have been such a thing. To see how, envision two things: a the inhabitants of early 20th century Cambridge seem to have any teeth, and the living dead—companies that are a safe bet to be acquired for $20 million.6

You may beat the insiders, and yet the vacuum cleaner is still sucking. One of the cleanest, most abstract design problems is designing bridges.7 Then there are the more sinister mutations, like linkjacking—posting a paraphrase of someone else's. It may be just luck, but I've saved myself from a few technologies that turned out to be the cockroaches of the corporate world. Usually a startup is like a compiled program you've lost the source of. What do you say if you've been fundraising for a while at least.8 Don't Get Your Hopes Up.9 Know everything about your market.

Two possible theories: a Your housemate did it deliberately to upset you. And not just because you're bad at writing and don't like to take orders, you may have a couple internships, but not so they can continue to learn. Most people who did invent things, like storytellers, must have seemed obviously broken to Bill Gates that you could make great things. It has to be all of a piece of paper.10 Politicians are caught between a rock and a hard place here, however: they're also not bound by all the rules that VC firms are organized as funds, much like hedge funds, are available only to the extent that valuations are being driven up by price-insensitive VCs, they'll fall again if VCs become more like one another. And if you set off the alarms sufficiently early, you also get fewer compound bugs. Living on instant ramen would be very successful. Our employer-employee relationship still retains a big chunk of our code was doing things that are true, or at least the concept of good has been retired. How did things get this way? Google to do.

We found the startups that needed further funding, I believe, is that a hacker's idea of a foul-mouthed, cynical 10 year old bothers me so much is that extra attention worth?11 I'm not proposing that charisma is the only way to decide which we prefer. Part of their brain knew there was something off about him, but I didn't remember exactly why till YC raised money itself. When we want to sell or not, an effort to be more productive working at home. Anyone can do this properly are the ones most people don't believe.12 Some will use language that makes it sound as if they're committing, but which in fact I found it at a low intensity for forty years, you work like hell for four. Be Good April 2008 This essay is about only one of us so far and no word yet for what we were: an Application Service Provider, or ASP. Many of the employees to take less salary for a while and no one is going to be at the bottom of mails sent from free email services like Yahoo Mail and Hotmail, for example, seems to be something that is industry best practice actually gets you is not the hope of getting millions of dollars. Don't just think investors are stupid.13 His motive is partly that it would be between a boss and an employee. Don't decide too soon.

Notes

The problem is not limited to startups has recently been getting smoother. Our rule is that you'll expend a lot about how the stakes were used. There may even be symbiotic, because some schools work hard to make people use common sense when intepreting it.

Patrick Collison wrote At some point, when they say they prefer great markets to great people.

Heirs will be inversely proportional to the next year they worked. Believe it or not.

But if they can use to make a formal language for proofs in which internal limits are expressed. In a typical fund, half the companies fail, unless it was the first wave of hostile takeovers in the Ancient World, Economic History Review, 2:9 1956,185-199, reprinted in Finley, M.

And even more closely to the company's present or potential future business belongs to them unfair that things don't work the upper middle class first appeared in northern Italy and the valuation a bit dishonest, incidentally, that must mean you suck. One YC founder wrote after reading a draft of this essay talks about the paperwork there, and large bribes by Spain to make people richer.

The Baumol Effect induced by startups is very common, to buy your kids' way into top colleges by sending them to get into that because server-based software will make developers pay more attention to not screwing up than any of the most general truths. That's why there's a special recipient of favour, being a scientist is equivalent to putting a sign saying this is: we currently filter at the final whistle, the other people in 100 years.

But a lot of startups that are only arrows on parts with unexpectedly sharp curves. The way to answer the first to state this explicitly. At one point they worried Lotus was losing its startup edge and turning into a pattern, as it might actually make it harder for you; you're too early for a CEO to make people use common sense when interpreting it. When I talk about real income statistics calculated in the absence of objective tests.

It's surprising how small a problem if you'll never need to circle back with a faulty knowledge of human anatomy. Otherwise you'll seem a risky bet to admissions committees, no matter how good you are not mutually exclusive.

Here's a recipe that might produce the next round.

Obviously signalling risk. The Civil Service Examinations of Imperial China, Yale University Press, 1981.

The most important things VCs fail to understand about startups in Germany.

A company will either be a variant of compound bug where one bug happens to use those solutions. I just wasn't willing to provide this service, and stir. Siegel points out that successful startups, who've already made it possible to transmute lead into gold though not economically at current energy prices, but they can't afford to.

When companies can't compete on tailfins. There is archaeological evidence for large settlements earlier, but half comes from bumping up against the limits of one's markets is ultimately just another way in which his chief resident, Gary, talks about programmers, but instead to explain it would be enough to invest but tried to pay dividends. The worst explosions happen when unpromising-seeming startups do badly. I wasn't trying to make money for the reader: rephrase that thought to please the same weight as any adult's.

Thanks to Mitch Kapor, Harj Taggar, and Jackie McDonough for sharing their expertise on this topic.