#I just pulled myself out of a seasonal depression thing so im

[lovelornings]

( There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just gonna be blunt about it: 

My grandmother had her 3rd stroke on Thursday and on Saturday I realized that although she’s alive, the person I loved growing up is never coming back 

I mean - I guess i could go into detail, but i don’t really want to relive that afternoon any more than I already have. If you have anyone in your family or a friend’s family who has Dementia, you probably already know why. 

I wanted to say this because I still want to stay active with this account, and I hope you’ll forgive me if I’m ever seem out of sorts 

Understand that me making the decision to continuing rping during these times is not me ‘forcing’ myself to do anything, it’s understanding that Yumi and Misato have both become  incredible tools for helping me understand and processing the feeling of both grief and anxiety. 

If any one of you are religious  ( or not, if you’d like to humor me ) I’d appreciate any prayers you could give ) 

[angelmush]

starting to feel my enjoyment of cooking seeping back in after a long period of intense burnout that had me really slogging along preparing meals with gritted teeth for a good month there. i credit the return of this spark to the much needed break i took on our 3 day vacation that resulted in us eating solely theme park food. while delicious, in all its greasy overpriced glory, i found myself missing the kitchen. so last night for dinner i made heavily spiced chicken wings with crushed peppercorns and garam masala that rendered slowly in its own fat while roasting in the oven, resulting in flavorful charred crisp skin and a really juicy bite. we picked them clean over steamed rice with lime and scallions. i also baked a loaf of marbled pumpkin and dark chocolate bread yesterday for my neighbor as a thank you for doing me a favor last week. it looked delicious. the crumb was tender and plush and velvety, the spiced ginger molasses pumpkin batter swirling alongside the bitter dark chocolate espresso batter, with puddles of dark chocolate bubbling across its top. it looked so lovely i whipped up a second one for us to have for ourselves that's in the oven now, i think it could be a really good breakfast pastry for us this week.

[tonydaddingham]

I love Aziraphale but I DO kind of feel like he was objectively more wrong than Crowley was, bc Aziraphale's plot for most of S2 comes straight out of Terry Pratchett books: he shuts down Crowley and focuses on setting up this storybook romance for them, while ignoring everyone else's distress. Like we see from the start of the season that Crowley is depressed and clearly upset, and it gets worse as it progresses, but Aziraphale doesn't even clock that something is wrong, even when Crowley is outright telling him. Of course this is going to create and nurture a situation where Crowley doesn't communicate. Aziraphale's not listening to him anyway. One of Terry's books features a witch who uses her magic to force fairy tale plots onto the people around her. It's the pinnacle of toxic positivity.

hi anon!!!✨ oooooh i have a feeling that this is going to be a long one, my apologies in advance!!! also, please forgive my ignorance on pratchett's works, im not deliberately ignoring it, but definitely not familiar with it enough to draw on any narrative similarities unfortunately!!!

so on the point of aziraphale not recognising that crowley is depressed, i do think that there are some indicators that if aziraphale paid more attention, he would pick up on it. that being said, i do think that the depth of crowley's not-okayness is largely masked from aziraphale, and is mostly shown only to other characters and obviously to the audience; the scene on the park bench with shax, for example, or any scenes between crowley in/around the bentley. one example that aziraphale could have picked up on:

c: "what i need is for him to be nowhere near me, and the precious, peaceful, fragile existence ive carved out for myself here..."

a: "i thought we carved it out for ourselves?"

c: "so did i!"

so, obviously crowley started in on the fact that gabriel threatened aziraphale in ep6, and quite rightly uses this as a reason to leave well enough alone, get rid of gabriel, and go back to their life as it was before. and crowley's language and delivery is absolutely indicative of how desperate he is to keep the status quo, that he's hanging on practically by a thread. shax and hell are keeping tabs on him, he's living in his car (which i'll come onto later), and he doesn't have much of a Purpose anymore than just existing.

aziraphale should be reading into this, 110%. but, crowley ends up underplaying his own struggle by talking about 'i' and 'me'. that doesn't mean its less true or valid, but to aziraphale's mind, he appears to be thinking only about how gabriel's presence would affect him. it immediately undermines how crowley first went in to trying to convince aziraphale to turn out gabriel, because it reads like crowley is revealing his true issue with the situation. we know that it's because, to crowley, aziraphale is ignoring him and his warning (which he absolutely is).

but crowley hasn't told aziraphale the full story of what happened; what gabriel said. aziraphale doesn't have the context to understand the full scope of crowley's fear and anger. i don't think knowing it would have necessarily changed the ultimate outcome/decision - i do think aziraphale is still kind and forgiving ("it's one of my favourite things!") to a fault - but it might have stopped aziraphale completely closing off and shutting down the continuance of what could have been a communicative and honest discussion. that, despite all of it, crowley is stepping away from aziraphale and planting himself on His (crowley's) Side, not Their Side.

aziraphale attempts to pull the conversation back; he tells crowley he would love for him to help, and that aziraphale is actively asking for help (which, verbally and with full intent, i don't recall aziraphale having done anywhere before this point in canon; he's intimated it, made very strong suggestions that he wants crowley to help/do something for him). this is a big show of vulnerability on aziraphale's part ("i need you!"), to literally put those words into the space between them... and crowley is silent. crowley is absolutely justified in not helping gabriel, but i think aziraphale's reaction is just as understandable.

but then moving on through to ep2, i think the next bit where aziraphale probably should have seen that crowley is Not Okay is the bentley/bookshop discussion, and crowley's reluctance to share it. from crowley's point of view, this car is literally the only tie he has left (will still get to the Sleeping In His Car debacle later) to anything permanent. this car that is literally an extension of him, comforts and shelters him, his complete Ride or Die - even to the end of the world. it is completely understandable that crowley would be jealous of it, want to keep a portion of his world for himself.

from aziraphale's point of view, as suggestive as it can be interpreted, he's opened his doors literally to crowley since at least 1941 - even earlier, if we count the 1800 scene that was cut (where, if gabriel and sandalphon hadn't turned up, i have no doubts that crowley would have been welcomed in straight away). it's definitely believable that crowley, between at least 1800 - 1827, might have been welcome in the shop... possibly even between 1827 - 1862 depending whether or not crowley spent "quite some time" in the pits of hell after edinburgh.

and this is likely to have been an exponential occurrence between 2008 - 2023, possibly even between 1967 - 2008 (depending on whether they had or had not been in continued contact follow the holy water incident). either way, again from aziraphale's perspective, the tie he has to earth and his life on it has been steadily then repeatedly shared with crowley. that's where he feels safe, and is himself, and is an extension of him. it's where they both feel like that in 2023. aziraphale has, presumably, shared that without quibble, has even been - judging by the s2 scene - something he has actively encouraged. it's definitely presumptuous, and possibly even entitled, but i think aziraphale has seen this as crowley being willing to share his life with aziraphale; why wouldn't he share the bentley? he's driven aziraphale everywhere he's wanted to go in it - doesn't crowley trust him enough to let aziraphale drive himself, for once?

ep3 sees a continuation of the above; that aziraphale changes the car, and does so without permission. whilst cute and adorable, and with the best of intentions, there is a major degree of this that is absolutely a violation on crowley, even if he logically would know that it's reversible. potentially, this is even foreshadowing of how he feels in the Final Fifteen with the angel restoration offer (im sure someone else has drawn this parallel somewhere...?).

but i do think it is absolutely a declaration from aziraphale of how wonderful he sees crowley just as he is now (his mf eyes), and how actually he doesn't want to change crowley to something better, but instead to paint the whole world in crowley's image. and its all the more powerful because a) crowley isn't there to see it, and b) he doesn't know that crowley can so viscerally detect changes made to the car.

the fact that crowley doesn't make this connection is surely a reflection of how he sees himself (see: he doesn't), and aziraphale should pick up on that... but if to aziraphale's mind crowley already knows how aziraphale feels about him through other gestures, in aziraphale's mind maybe crowley's just being coy or a bit possessive of his beloved bentley - that's fair, it's practically married behaviour! aziraphale wouldn't necessarily think to infer crowley's objections as anything different.

then we move on to ep4 (and finally talking about crowley living like a nomad), with the last scene of aziraphale helping him take out the plants to the bentley. you know - im still not 100% sure what to make of the whole situation of aziraphale not knowing that crowley is living out of his car. my main two schools of thought are that:

crowley has been spending enough time in the shop that him going out at random intervals is just normal to aziraphale - he's off doing Demon Things! he's just out on a jolly, having some time to himself! but it's okay, he always comes back! that would be possible, but we don't have any narrative to actively support this, and is practically a hc at this point. but there must be something that keeps aziraphale from digging any deeper - he is by all accounts a smart guy, and clocking that crowley has his plants in his car must get him thinking even if only for a moment... (unless he literally just chalks it up to Crowley Being Crowley, which is also feasible lbr)

the alternative thought (and not saying this is right - as i said, i literally do not have a scooby as to why aziraphale doesn't seem, on some level, to realise it) is that aziraphale does realise it, but doesn't want to face the implications of why crowley might have kept it from him, and so he buries it. i parsed this thought out more in a LWA response, full post here, but snippet screenshotted below:

i'll probably leave that bit there, but absolutely; aziraphale should be realising that something is wrong... but equally - as the king of cognitive dissonance, frankly - i don't think he wants to look deeper into something that, to him, would suggest any reason for there to be distrust between them, or a lack of openness. of course, we can see as the audience that this is a very small drop in the ocean where that's concerned, but to aziraphale - there's surely no possibility that crowley would keep something from him, not something this important.

when it comes to the Loving Gaze in ep6 (i'll come back to ep5 in a sec) that he gives when crowley admits that he's been living in his car, again - not entirely sure what to make of it. obviously it is just pure 'i utterly love/adore him', 'yes, it's you i want to be with, yes', but also maybe a measure of 'oh, you silly demon, why didn't you tell me? not that it's a problem now though, because in time we'll be together properly and you'll never have to be without a home again because your home can be with me'. he does gloss over the fact that crowley didn't tell him, and was obviously not in an okay place - but possibly in a, 'we'll talk about it later sometime, but for now - im just happy about what future we could start having from here on out. everything else is immaterial'. it's dismissive, but i also think potentially an indication that aziraphale does see, but they'll have the rest of their existence now to talk about it and heal.

anyway, back to ep5. the ball. oh lord - i honestly don't know if i have the mental acuity to even go into depth on the ball, rn. it's a Problem, and 100% on aziraphale's part. he's overcome with love, god bless him, isn't he? just so hellbent on showing crowley - it's not even about the girls, anymore, not if aziraphale really admitted it to himself - that he loves him. i think the magic spell that aziraphale creates bewitches even him, slightly - maybe not so literally, but this is a moment that has at least been decades in the making. and crowley is running around telling him there's an issue? well, they're safe in the shop (which, in a way, is absolutely true)! don't spoil this, please just hear me, hear what im trying to tell you unequivocally!

i think in aziraphale's mind, crowley tends to have a habit of overreacting (gabriel as a case in point), which is not true - but understandable when you potentially consider that aziraphale never really has all the facts. he's definitely overprotective, a point that is shown in s1 (imo, aziraphale never actively encourages the damsel-in-distress thing, but crowley just happens to show up at the slightest hint of trouble, and instead aziraphale takes this to mean that saving him, when he doesn't need saving, truly does make crowley happy). this is something crowley through his actions has encouraged - i think to assume that crowley is overreacting in this context is understandable, but yet; no, aziraphale should be listening to him. he should. and it once again feeds into the thought process that aziraphale cannot save himself - on and on it goes.

i don't think there is much to discuss in ep6 (im not going to get into the Final Fifteen - it's been analysed so much better by other people and by me too), this answer is already long enough, and i think for the most part it's fairly obvious. i do however have a dedicated FF tag in my masterpost if you do wish to peruse the various ponderings on the subject.

the only thing i guess that's really left for me to parse out is s1; aziraphale does lie to crowley. a lot. most egregious is lying about finding the antichrist but, i will say, in his defence - crowley has repeatedly asserted that they should straight-up murder a child. aziraphale drew his boundary, and crowley kept pushing, even going so far as to try tempting (and then practically demanding) that aziraphale be the one to do it. i don't think it's unjustified in that respect that aziraphale would keep that knowledge, therefore, from him - and instead turn to heaven. obviously that doesn't work out, in that respect crowley is proven right, and aziraphale immediately takes action to remedy it (calls crowley after the 9-1-metatron call).

but, it's an interesting mirror to what goes on in s2 in the theme of mutual trust and openness between them. crowley doesn't trust aziraphale not to dismiss him and run back to heaven when the going gets tough, nor does he trust him to have any sense of self-preservation (despite, yk, being a literal miracle worker and being the one to actual save their bacon in the 40s s2 minisode). but aziraphale similarly doesn't trust crowley not to try making him do something he has expressly said he will not do, and would betray a core tenet of who he is - temptation, which they both know works on aziraphale, and crowley could arguably exploit as he sees fit if aziraphale were to let him be completely vulnerable to crowley. in this respect, the foundations of their relationship, such as it is, is quite demonstrably built on sand of the quick variety.

so in essence, anon (honestly - gold star for you if you've made it to here), i don't disagree with you at all. but i think it's slightly reductive to not see that they are just as bad as each other. each have their trauma and unreconciled issues that directly inform on the action or inaction they take, and both are completely justified in that. i think it's more than possible to be empathetic to both of their perspectives, because ultimately, imo, their relationship as it was where we left it at the end of s2 was practically doomed right from where we first - in 2008 - properly join their story. im all for a huge, screaming row, and the promise of quieter, more delicate conversations thereafter, in s3; boy, do they need it!✨

[fuck-i-like-too-much-stuff]

15 Day BL Challenge- Day 5

Biggest Flop- I Actually Can't Decide

[Original Challenge Here]

In my definition of flop, it means that the show did not match, let alone exceed, the expectations I had set for it by a huge margin.

When it comes to what I watch, maybe its because I am pretty good at filtering out things that don't match my vibe or maybe I just haven't been here for all that long- but I haven't yet watched a show that hasn't given me what I expected from it by that much.

That being said, there have been shows that are so hyped by everyone, and i found myself never liking them as much as them.

That being said, i am not hating on these shows, and may change my opinion if feel like rewatching

Boss and A Babe: I love Force and Book as actors, and i do think they nailed their roles but the story was sooo weakly built and didn't know how to deal with the themes it touched on at all. The ASMR thing Cher did, which was the premise of this show in the first place wasn't touched beyond bringing them together in the beginning. Tyme's betrayal and the whole stealing of ideas wasn't given half the attention it should've gotten. The discussion of themes about depression, sexual abuse, and homophobia were touched upon in the most speed run way of things, giving nothing enough importance to actually become centric to the story. The couple themselves were okay, and the chemistry was there only because Force and Book had it, but honestly they became borderline weird. I didn't find this series worth remembering, but when i started it, i didn't think i would either.

Love In The Air (but only the PhayuRain episodes): Look. Before anybody comes for me, hear me out. These two have great irl chemistry, and im excited for Boy Next World... but Phayu and Rain are ragingggg red flags and its to the point where I do not care that they can cancel each other out. I just don't. You don't fuck with your crushes car just so they'll ask you for help when they get stuck in the rain. You don't play with consent like that unless you've both pre-agreed to it. Please do not pull the stunts these two decided were okay without a word with each other. Even if you're both into it. CONSENT MATTERS AND DO NOT DAMAGE OTHER PEOPLE'S POSSESSIONS JUST TO HAVE THEM PAY ATTENTION TO YOU. COMMUNICATION EXISTS FOR BOTH OF THOSE.

That being said, Prapai and Sky managed to make it through my criteria and I love them dearly. Just can't ever say the same for Phayu and Rain.

2gether (but not Still 2gether): I can hear my girlfriend fuming as I type this because this is one of her all time favourite shows. And I can agree with what she says, its about the nostalgia of early BL days and the sorta funny jokes that make you roll your eyes but still laugh. That being said, the first season is riddled with the fact that the premise makes zero sense, the bromantic chemistry is questionable at best and the raging question that how the fuck is Tine gonna become a lawyer when he can't even defend himself from a dude hitting on him??

This show definitely does not live up to the name it carries being the most popular Thai BL, but it is not the worst. It is what it is according to the time it was made in, and the second season is actually cute. And of it gave me Drake and Frank, with whom I'm obsessed despite the tragedy.

Middleman's Love: Respectfully- GET A FUCKING GRIP OVER REALITY AND A CONTROL OVER YOUR VOLUME. That's all I have to say here.

[mamamittens]

I was getting a little frustrated with myself for not just hammering out the next Spooktober fic before the workweek and wondered if I was going to do the same thing to myself for Christmas/Winter season.

Mainly giving myself deadlines for writing when it kinda requires my Utmost Focus Only On Words And Maybe Lofi Mix, which is great when im in the Zone but not so much when I get that... Weird squirmy feeling where I wanna do some unspecified Other Activity.

It's dumb. I do these events cause I love it but it's like the dog meme of "No Write! Only Fic!" And unfortunately I don't have boundless time during the week to Get Shit Done.

Anyway, I was thinking of what I'm going to do for Christmas season since I know it'll be so much worse at work lmao. And how I could instead do pinups again. Those are fun. Maybe write fics if I'm feeling it. And I had...

An idea.

For Christmas.

In October.

(please don't kill me lmao, I don't know why I'm like this either)

But! Basically! It's Izou and Thatch (separately) having lost the Spirit of Christmas and Togetherness. They both keep skipping out at spending the holidays with family and each other because they're super busy and mutually pissy about it (hence why they've been On Break).

Anyway, both of them end up setting up sad little trees cause they're sappy dumbasses too prideful to admit they were wrong (for separate but similar reasons) and find that, suddenly, there's an angel topper on them? That they didn't buy themselves?

It'll be hard to bounce between them so maybe they share a place but keep "giving the other distance" or whatever.

Anyway, this angel topper is pretty fancy and cute so they mostly just think it's weird.

Until Hallmark Bullshit Shenanigans ensue and the damn thing comes to life to bully them into fixing their personal issues before Christmas.

Nikia is like, a very low-key guardian angel of the season meant to bring back the spirit of the holiday in those that need it but aren't like, Scrooge or whatever and require three whole ass ghosts.

Anyway, neither one realizes the other sees her as she goes about her bullshit until near the end. It's very Shenanigans and shit as she pulls their heads out of their asses in time to spend the holiday together with family.

Mayhaps, after they've learned their lessons, she disappears and they're super depressed about it. Until they spot her (not as an angel, maybe it's a part-time gig lmao) and collectively decide they could hardly let HER spend the holiday alone either!

Super cheesy Hallmark Fluff.

Anyway, it sounds like a nice thing to brighten up what I KNOW will be a gruelling holiday season since I work online retail.

Hopefully I get my shit together and smash out those fics before I wind up doing them in November or all in one week (which I nearly did last year but it was literally Get home->write->eat->shower-> bed with no break)

Yeah.

I... Really do this to myself lol, but it's better this year cause I'm not doing 13! So there's that! And so far the reception has been great so it's not like I'm doing a little solo party for no one! Here's to hoping the rest of the fics hit well too!

[hardtchill]

For me it’s very similar to the other anon. I’m turning 25 this year and I’ve still not got my bachelors degree because I had to quit my first go around at uni since i physically couldn’t learn for my exams. Granted it was compounded by other issues such as depression and anxiety but i genuinely believe that a not insignificant part of those issues come from the fact that adhd makes it near impossible to organise myself (unmedicated btw).

Seeing this on my feed rn is kind of ironic since even though im in my third year of a degree that I actually enjoy now, I literally dropped out of an exam that I was supposed to write today cuz I couldn’t revise. It’s not like I didn’t have the time and I’ve known for weeks about the deadline, but with every assignment or exam I push my own boundaries further and further back until I can’t do it anymore. Last semester I crammed 84 pages worth of notes in under 48h, an exam mind you that I’d pushed back over a year and was literally my last shot or I’d not be allowed to continue with my studies. I barely slept, I was throwing up, but I somehow passed, and with a good grade at that. Since then my brain is like, well you managed to do that that one time so you can totally afford to wait until the DAY before an exam to finish it. Or write a 15 page paper in a day.

And you know what, maybe I can. But the problem is the cost. It’s killing me. I find that it’s also very isolating cuz generally people don’t have a lot of empathy for this? So I end up pulling back from everyone including my best friends until I’m at a point again where I can be around people without letting on how incredibly bad I’m doing. Or I just straight up lie so they don’t know that I’ve not done the things i said I would do.

And all this is not just within the framework of academia. It’s also impacted my wellbeing in a more general sense - cooking for myself is hard because I tend to not listen to my body’s cues until I’m on the verge of passing out cuz i forgot to eat or drink, or by the time I’m hungry I still have to make a meal so I end up ordering something cuz it’s faster. Same with showering daily or brushing your teeth. Getting any routine started in general and sticking with it. I’ve been meaning to start exercising again but I keep delaying it for no reason. I’ve worked out regularly in the past so I know it’s something that I enjoy and that makes me feel good but despite that I’m still stuck in this place of inertia? It’s awful.

I’ve talked to some friends who also have adhd about it and the inability to start something cuz it isn’t instantly gratifying or that doesn’t align with an interest but is an obligation is quite common. Can I binge 7 seasons of a reality show in a week if it really interests me? Hell yeah! (I do watch everything at 2x speed cuz everyone talks too slow lmao but still). Will i fly through a massive book and literally forego sleeping if it means getting through more of it if im really invested? Absolutely. 1500 puzzle? Massive Lego set? Yep! Taking notes from a textbook for an assignment? Literally kill me right now.

I’m sorry for this long ass message and idek if you’re gonna read all of this but yeah just wanted to share my experience. Adhd is absolutely not quirky or a superpower and I wish there was a better understanding of it out there because it makes me my own worst enemy every day.

Ugh anon i feel you so much. I have skipped on many an exam during my bachelors because i just couldn't concentrate, focus or start revision. It's completely miserable to literally see the time go by where you feel the stress but you just cannot get your brain to start on what you need to do.

Any time i told teachers and now colleagues that i work well with deadlines i get told i'm not motivated enough because if i was i wouldn't need deadlines. That's just so unfair! My brain is graving dopamine, it's not laziness that my brain does this, it's literally just ADHD.

This is the same reason why your brain (usually) jumps into action when that crippling anxiety hits, because you're so close to a deadline that your brain can smell the dopamine.

The only reason that i finished my 6 month thesis is because i had many mini deadlines during those 6 months. I felt the anxiety to finish a part of it every month and i had a teacher who was very nice and gave you compliments when you did (DOPAMINE). If i didn't have that i would still be writing my thesis now.

ADHD is so misunderstood by so many people. It affects every part of your life and the negative consequences are so much bigger and impactful than the potential positive outcomes. I mean yeah i'm creative and can think fast, awesome but that doesn't make up for the anxiety, stress and grief you go through anytime your brain just doesn't want to start something.

[ipodtouchtouchtouch]

sleep paralysis and inviting negativity in

i experienced sleep paralysis for the first time. immediately after waking up from it i sent a voice message to my roommate and my girlfriend telling them what happened. i felt like id been attacked in the night, not like id woken up from a dream. dreaming is not so common for me since i smoke so much weed. but most of the dreams i do have are nightmares. i think those just stick out the most. a typical nightmare for me includes lots of teeth falling out anxiety. its stress in my life manifesting when ive not been addressing it properly in my waking life. theres honestly many things in my life i dont address properly. i should make a list of those things probably. but i will do that later. my sleep paralysis happened on a monday night. the week prior my roommate and i had an honestly traumatic experience together involving a show at our basement venue. it all centered around this lana del rave we hosted. but this subject i absolutely can not get in to. it did though bring a lot of negativity in to our lives. i honestly havent cried that much since deciding to drop out of college in january 2020. its almost certainly what brought on my sleep paralysis. or invited this demon in to my bedroom. or whatever it was. bad energy. my sleep started off all wrong. i fell asleep sitting up watching true detective season one sexy matthew ma con a hey idk how to spell it with my roommate. after that i decided it was time to put myself to bed. but i couldnt be bothered to wash my face or brush my teeth as these days ive been hopelessly depressed. went to bed in my dirty sheets with my dirty face and dirty teeth... in an effort to save myself from being a complete failure. i put on the crystal bowl sound bath chakra healing vibrations album on spotify and set it to repeat. i fell asleep to the crystal bowl vibrations really easily. at first i had normal type dreams. i was in my middle school cafeteria but for some reason it was a high school reunion. i was wearing a backpack and feeling embarrassed about it. my old classmates tried talking to me but i couldnt speak because i kept stress eating candy and then stress chewing on the wrappers and drooling everywhere. i think at one point i was trying to answer a facetime with my friend who lives in new york. then the scene changed. i walk in to a room that is bright and all white with a backdrop hanging, a camera, clothing racks. a man and a woman are standing in the middle of the room waiting to greet me. i looked right at them but i dont know what they look like. "congratulations" they said "you made the call back" i felt very sick suddenly. i told them that i didnt feel well and asked if they would pick my outfits for me. then i laid down under the clothing rack to rest. as they were pulling clothes out above me the man pulled a knit sweater off the rack. it honestly kind of looks like this sweater we sell at urban outfitters. as he pulled it out the yarn began to unravel. it tangled around my neck somehow and the more he pulled the tighter it got around my neck and it felt like a rug burn as it choked me. i tried to yell out "stop, stop, stop" over and over again but i couldnt really audibly yell. this happens to me a lot in my dreams. as im getting over the fear of being choked and start to realize that im dreaming i wake up. i open my eyes and im laying in my bed. but i am not actually awake. it is still a dream actually because i rolled over in bed to see that someone else was asleep on my right. i felt so scared honestly exactly how id feel if i experienced this in real life. i didnt remember falling asleep with anyone. did i black out drunk was a thought i had. i reached out to touch the person in my bed, they looked small i thought maybe it could be my friend em. when i touched their back this person or thing sat up abruptly and began to shriek. that is not em i knew immediately. it felt like it was screaming in fear like id startled it awake. as the high pitched shriek continued another figure that i had not noticed rose up from the end of my bed and began to shriek as well.

[nardonotes]

23 oct '24

7:25pm

woke up at 5pm today did absolutely nothing,, ( ;´ - `;) ended up cancelling on my friend because i was so fucking tired and just drained out man... i feel like i've been saying that i'm drained out forever now. BUT I REALLY AM!! like i have no motivation to do anything and my sleep has gotten so fucking bad to the point where i cant even just relax anymore. idk. this is literally seasonal depression hitting me bad!!!!!!

honestly, thank god im still writing these though,, cause the second i dont... oh it's over. ദ്ദി ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ ) but we hold on tight yall........ im getting there even though i am actually really struggling to keep myself intact LOL.. !!

anyways, after i ate some TACOS WITH SOFT SHELL TACOSSSSS ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ) i went to get my film developed YIPPIE!! im so happy,, i can't wait for them to come through, they'll probably be done tomorrow at around 11am, and im gonna pick them up during my lunch !! and i also bought mini baby cokes with my sister because my mum wanted them :33

now im bored as shit!! like -_-" what do i do? should i catch up on school work like i said? or should i rot like the stupid piece of shit i am........ i hate knowing i have potential to be better but being too lazy because i know i got that potential inside me which is like the only thing keeping me from falling far deep inasense idk anyways.

im going to write in my journal a bit and bujo... i also want to edit some pics but im going to do that another time. DAMN I REALLY JUST BE SAYING WHAT I WANT TO DO AND NOT DO THEM FFUCKKK!!!!!!! (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

also dreading the fact that i have work experience on friday... like i really hate that for me bro. like i REALLY HATE THAT. even though it's only for a few hours. -.- im so lazy.

im gonna pretend to be productive now. bye and goodnight. watch me not be able to sleep at all tonight. i might just fucking pull an all nighter.. fix my sleep again. who knows. i am unpredictable.(ᴗ_ ᴗ。)

song of the day: Fantasy by JADE ⭑.ᐟ

[cyanophen]

IM BACK

ok so like where do I begin

I am SO SO SO SORRY for leaving yall like that

going into winter was rough for me, I thought things would calm down but nah

seasonal depression and more rehearsals for crap got me like ‘oh wow I’m gonna stop doing everything I’m doing and just stare at the wall until something happens

but I’ve pulled myself out of that to return to making art for yall here’s a list of what I’ll be most likely going from now on:

-I’ll be posting finished digital art at least once every two weeks

-I will be making another vote for my big drawing project, yall decided on Murder drones but now it’s time to choose the character(s)

-some of my drawing might shift from one thing to another, Ive uh got some new characters I’m obsessed with drawing bevise I love drawing the same characters over and over again once I’ve memorized designs

-gonna be posting a lot in the next 2 weeks or so to try and make up for my 2 month absence again I’m so so so sorry and I deeply apologize

I will be trying my hardest to make a consistent posting schedule but bear with me

[just-some-random-blogger]

I LOVE TEN AND ONE SO MUCH YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i know you said that you’re not yet in soft!daemon feels but what if reader already got pregnant and seeing her pregnant makes daemon so feral & just want to breed her so much…………

Mine

Daemon Targaryen x Reader

Summary: After trying to get pregnant for months, you fell into a state where all you could do is cry. It left Daemon erratic and so easily triggered. To clear both your minds, he thinks a ride on dragon back would help, but it seems even Caraxes is not in a good mood.

Word Count: 3k+

Warnings: Mentions of failed pregnancies/miscarriage, wife!reader, depressive episodes, smut (sad fucking, rough fucking, vaginal penetration, hair pulling, impregnation kink, claiming kink, cock warming ig), angst, fluff, typos, etc.

A/N: CONGRATULATIONS FOR ACTUALLY CONVINCING ME TO MAKE A P2 OF SOMETHING. a word of caution though, it's probably not exactly what you expect. btw if you're new here, this is technically a part two to Ten & One, but you don't have to read it to get this. It will help you get in the feels more probably, but you don't need to read it to understand. I'd appreciate it if you did read it though LEAVE COMMENTS AND REBLOGS I HELD BACK ON THE PRAISE KINK BUT I ASSURE YOU MINE IS VERY REAL ISTG IM GOING TO GO FERAL IF NO ONE REPLIES TO THIS

"Our home was once so warm," one of the head servants sigh to the two younger servants, "and not because of how Caraxes sometimes has fits, but because the lady of our house warmed it so," she shakes her head, "now she has done nothing but cry and my heart hurts for Lady Targaryen."

"I do hope she finds comfort soon," one younger servant adds with a frown, "my cousin said that her late lady eventually fell ill after grieving so long that she succumbed to her illness."

There was no ill-intent in their words, and yet he could not stand hearing it.

The sharp sound of a sword unsheathing promptly halts the servants.

Daemon is in front of them, coming out of the chamber they were meant to enter. He points Dark Sister at them, jaw clenching tightly at the words he heard them speak.

The three look to their master in fear as he takes a few steps closer to them, "I will not tolerate any word from any tongue about my wife."

Daemon watches them quiver under the gaze of his sword. Had he not been attentive of his wife, he would have killed them out of annoyance. Yet he doesn't, "do your task and leave at once."

The head servant nods and the servants scurry off into the room.

I was lying in bed, chest down, when I heard the telltale sound of footsteps. I peel my teary eyes open and mutter against the cushion, "Mileva?"

My childhood handmaiden turns to me and frowns, "yes, milady, I'm here. I have come to serve you your food."

My eyes begin to water again as I watch her set the food out on the table.

On theme with my other thoughts, I recall how she took care of me as a child, and then how she excitedly told me she was eager to do the same for my children. Her hair was now grey and yet I still had not even one child.

"Mileva," I whine, lips quivering as I reach my hand out to her for comfort.

Daemon walks back in, face hard and tense.

Mileva turns to me and sighs, "oh, sweet child." She walks over to me, taking my hand, kneeling by the side of my bed, "cease your sorrow. You will fall with child soon enough."

"But it's been a year since I've been wed," I sob, pulling her hand towards me, "what if something's wrong with me?"

"N-" "There's nothing wrong with you," Daemon quips before Mileva could speak the same words, albeit with more softness.

Mileva turns to Daemon who stood by the door, as if guarding it, then back to me, pressing a kiss on my knuckles, "my lady, take heart and regain your strength. I know you are going through a difficult season, but soon you will have what you so desire," she brushes my tears away with her calloused hands, "it is not uncommon to experience what you're going through. I myself grieved the same things you do when I first fell with child."

"Oh, Mileva," I weep helplessly, moving to sit up, "I had no idea, and I-"

"Enough, my girl," she hushes, grabbing both of my arms in her hands, "now please, do us all a favor and eat. I would never forgive myself if I allow you to lose yourself completely."

Daemon watches as I move to the table near our bed. Once I sit down, my husband speaks, "you may go now."

In exchange of the company of our servants, Daemon comes upon me, placing a hand on my shoulder as I dumbly look at the food I once loved.

"Your dear Mileva is right, you must regain your strength," he mutters, walking behind me, massaging both my shoulders.

"I feel I will be sick if I so much bring a spoon to my mouth."

He stills his actions then the drags the other chair close to me with a screech. "Shall you prefer I feed you then?" he asks, sitting next to me.

Daemon does nothing but look at me as I gaze off into the abyss that was a plate of food before me.

"I don't think I will ever find peace, Daemon," I mutter, mostly I think to myself, "I was with child," I start to feel tears burn in my eyes, "then I was not."

He brushes his fingers on my cheek, "The gods are to blame, not you."

I finally turn to my husband, chest heaving as salt water runs down my face uncontrollably. He frowns as he sighs, hand taking mine in comfort. I choke on more tears and fall to his side, unable to withhold the helpless yelps in my throat.

Daemon wastes no time in readjusting in his seat, expertly unclasping the holster on his waist, allowing his weapon to clatter to the ground. He then in one scoop brings me onto his lap, allowing me to nuzzle on his neck and pour my sadness onto his skin. His arms envelope around me, behind my back and over my thighs.

I bring my hands up to his cheeks, attempting to even out my breathing as I take in his familiar scent.

Once I finally felt like I wasn't suffocating, I begin to fiddle with Daemon's silver hair.

He leans against my touch. I pepper kisses on his cheeks.

For a moment, he is satisfied with this, but then decides to meet my lips with his own. His hands begin to tighten around me.

I release as sigh, pulling my hands away so I can readjust his grip o me and maneuver my legs over him. He makes no fuss when I straddle him, in fact his arms fiddle with the nightgown I did not bother to change out of from the night before.

My fingers travel to his tunic, and I begin to undo the its clasps. When my hand finally rubs the bare skin underneath his clothing, that's when he halts and pushes me off him to stop our kiss. He is finally certain of my actions.

I look at him. His eyes are closed and yet I could see his resolve dwindling. I place a peck on his lip as I grind down on him.

He groans, legs spreading beneath me. For a moment, he allows me to continue, but then his hands grab on my waist at an attempt to stop me.

I halt at just as he wants, but feel betrayal rise up my throat as I speak, "will you not even have me now, husband?"

Daemon releases a prolonged sigh, leaning his head back on the chair, lightly scratching my sides with his fingers, "with all my strength, I am not strong enough to even think of doing that."

I continue to buck my hips on him again.

His grip tightens but not in an attempt to withhold me.

"Then do not kid yourself by resisting me."

Daemon's eyes finally open with a grunt. The dizziness in his mind clears when he sees my face. He knits his brows and wipes my tears away, "my love."

I blink rapidly as I whine, "have me, Daemon, and end this mourning."

He calls my name, stilling me again with his hands.

This time, I bang on his chest in anger for trying to stop me, but then all at once, I crumble against him in a fit of tears.

Daemon kisses my cheek as he tightly pulls me against him.

We remain like this for a long while.

After being calmed by the sound of his breathing, I finally have the strength to cease my weeping. "I do want you, Daemon," I mutter against his cheek.

"I always want you, my queen," he replies, rubbing my back, "but I do not wish to take advantage of your sorrow."

I move against him again. He loosens his arms around me as I turn to him with glassy eyes, "then have me for no other reason than my own desire to have you, Daemon."

He is about to say something, but my hand on his hardened member takes the words out of his mouth. I palm his through his pants, "will you require me to beg for it on my knees?"

I pull away, hands snaking behind his nape, "I will be most eager to do so," I whisper, hips rolling atop his, "anything to take my mind off this, Daemon."

"Fuck," he hisses, hands tightening around me yet again.

This time, Daemon carries me to our bed and pushes me open underneath him. He hungrily kisses my neck and begins to rub his clothed member against my burning core.

"Take your clothes off," I whimper, urging his tunic and pants off.

In an instant, not only is he naked, but as am I.

Our lips take each other's desperately, and a satisfied moan fights between our kiss when I feel him enter me slowly. My limbs latch around him out of instinct and my fingers dig into the small of his back, urging him to move.

He whispers my name in my ear. He does so with much care that my heart quickens at it.

"I will try my best to be gentle, my love."

I whine at his sentiment, but I nibble his ear in response, "fuck gentle. Ruin me, Daemon. I don't want to walk around any time soon anyway."

Daemon begins to rut his hips into mine upon hearing this. He moves slowly at first, as if to measure the truth in my words. He then enters me at a quicker pace, exhaling deeply against my skin.

I whine his name out, "Daemon please, please, please, fuck me."

He heaves against me, "say that again."

I claw at him and whimper, "please, fuck me so hard I can't walk, Daemon." I match the movement of his hips, "make sure I have no choice but to stay in bed."

That's all it takes for him to thrust into me like a man gone mad.

The sound of skin slapping each other almost makes me unable to hear my cries.

He enjoys breaking my legs open and hammering into my heat. He enjoys it so much that he remains in this position for a while, savoring the feeling. He soon decides to move his hands up my legs and push my knees to my chest. Daemon lifts himself a bit, so he could hook my ankles by his shoulders. The more compromising position makes me stretch my hands above me and grip at the pillows for dear life.

I cry so hard that I don't hear anything else. I'm sure even if there weren't anyone near our chambers, my screams would still be heard.

"Do you like it when I take you like this, wife?" he asks, or challenges almost.

I'm too fucked up to reply and only the in sync rising and falling of my voice to his relentless slamming was what he got out of me.

He finds a more secure stance on his knees, and he latches his fingers under my knees as he drives into me like it was what was going to keep him alive.

His breathing is unbelievably controlled in comparison to my raggedy hitches.

As Daemon looks before him, his hands reach out to my core then to my belly. His mind floods with obscene images of previous couplings. He groans at the ideas flooding his head. He rubs my belly, "you will look so glorious filled up with my seed."

I whine as his hands grab my breasts.

"Maybe I should fill up all your pretty holes, hmm?" he pants, "but maybe then your body wouldn't know what to do with my seed anymore."

I release a string of curses as my hands shoot up to grip his biceps. My back arches to better feel him and mentally thank myself for it, screaming ecstasy when he knocks on me just right. He chuckles in satisfaction, "so fucking eager, my love."

In a twist of fate, he pulls out of me.

I'm too delirious to even realize it or manage to complain. All at once I'm being flipped onto my knees. I do however know exactly when he pulls on my hips and slams into me with dare I say more intent. I don't even manage to push myself on my arms as I am utterly boneless against him.

"Daemon."

His response to the sound of his name was to rub my sensitive nub with his keen fingers. His other hand yanks on the roots of my hair, "who does your cunt belong to?"

I growl, one hand coming to his that was pulling my head back. I am even more unable to push myself up. I scream his name.

"Mine," he growls, "mine," he flicks his hips.

He yanks on my hair again, "say it. Who do you belong to?"

"You," I heave, "you, you, you, you-"

"Good," he praises as I loose my mind, "I'll make sure you only ever cry over how good my cock makes you feel," he mutters breathily. And although his words are lewd, there is a certain sincerity to it.

Much like before, because I never really stopped, tears begin to drip from my eyes in a tinge of pleasure, pain, and residual sorrow.

Daemon massages my scalp with his fingers as his thrusts reach a quick and steady pace. I can almost feel him hit inner most parts of my mind and taste him on my tongue.

My head helplessly crumbles onto the cushions when he releases me so he can piston inside me at a better angle. My screams are finally muffled.

My husband seems not to appreciate it as he yanks my hair back and forces my shouts to me audible again, "let them hear me breed my you, wife, scream out who makes you feel like this."

At this point, I've left my mouth gaping too long that my throat dries up and the sounds of his name that I produce leaves a burning sensation.

I feel my stomach begin to tighten at his ministrations.

"That's right," he encourages, "chase that feeling on my cock," he says, "come around me, darling. Come on."

My hips instinctively buck against him at the sound of his encouragements.

Daemon revels in the repetition of his name. He feels like he is invincible at the praising sounds.

I inevitably quake around him as if it was the surface beneath that forced me to do so. My voice is absolutely wrecked at the cry that leaves my lips.

Daemon rubs my core again, milking my reaction for all he's got.

Once even my knees began to give in, that's when I feel Daemon's heat shoot into so sharply that my body quakes all over again. He fucks into me even after. There is so much of him that I feel him drip out of me with wet squelching sounds.

My womanhood is practically crying at this point.

"I'll do you well, wife," he announces, pace drastically slowing, "I'll fuck you good even if the gods obstruct your womb from carrying my seed."

I repeat his name over and over again.

Daemon finally stops, but he does not exit me. He rubs my butt in a soothing attempt, "let me stay like this for a while, your cunt is leaking."

I shake my head, "no please, turn me over. I want to hold you, Daemon."

He does not dare deny me this.

He quickly uses his strength and expertly has me on my back, barely pulling out as he does so.

He wraps my legs around him snugly as he eventually presses his chest against mine. I seal his torso in my arms. He sighs in content when he finds his face on the crook of my neck. He lazily kisses my skin as his his arms loop around my own body.

"I love you, Daemon," I mutter, fingers lightly grazing his skin.

"I love you," he responds, "I will continue to be a slave to your desires."

"Good," I pipe up blinking away the tears that were left in my eyes, "I don't want you to leave me today. Stay right here, like this."

Daemon kisses my neck, "I wouldn't dare move from where I lie."

A good seven days passed, and I was feeling a lot more myself.

Daemon, in all his paranoia that something would happen to me the moment he's not looking, made sure to either not leave my side, or to bring me everywhere with him. And since he really did leave me in quite a discomfort after our intense fucking, it was only now that he was able to bring me along to accomplish his errands.

In all his smugness, he offered to carry me if I still found it difficult to walk. I, of course, slapped him because of this. It obviously didn't hurt him, because I meant it not too, but he promised me he'd get even for it.

Today, we were apparently going for a ride on dragon back.

"How have you been, boy," Daemon calls in High Valyrian as we made our way to his dragon.

Caraxes whines the way he always does. I smile at the creature, sensing somehow that he had missed his rider. Daemon catches this and squeezes my hand in response.

All at once, Caraxes whines shift into a louder more desperate version, dare I say it was a form of discomfort. The unforeseen reaction makes me nervous, especially when the large creature makes his way towards me.

Daemon feels Caraxes' agitation, but he is more concern about mine, which is why he releases my hand and raises it up to the dragon. He promptly scolds the beast in a long string of High Valyrian I wouldn't have been able to understand even if I wanted to.

Caraxes screeches, seemingly determined to go to me.

I decide to walk back slowly, although I do this out of concern more than fear. Perhaps he wanted his rider all to himself. I agree with my mental thought, since deep down, I knew Caraxes would not turn to me will ill-intent.

One of the keepers, I find, is suddenly ghosting a hand over my arm. I gasp at the unexpected touch and furrow my brows at his words that I do not understand.

Daemon's gaze rips away from his dragon over to the keeper, "what did you say?"

The keeper turns from me to my husband, hand pulling away so he could motion to the restless Caraxes.

Daemon's face contorts at whatever it was that he was told. My concern now drifts from the dragon to his rider, "Daemon? What is it?"

He turns away from me, back to Caraxes, hushing him, "I understand now, boy."

I look at Daemon as he offers me his hand without turning away from his mount. I wordlessly take his hand in mine. Daemon pulls me slowly in front of him, hands going to my sides.

Caraxes stands on his legs upon seeing me, letting out a powerful roar.

I reel back, pressing against my husband's chest, "Daemon, I-"

"It's alright," he mutters against my ear.

Daemon looks up to his dragon then screams some sort of accusation.

Caraxes lands back on his claws, huffing out so deeply that there is a strong gust of air that nearly blows me away. Had it not been for Daemon behind me, perhaps I would have fallen on my ass.

Suddenly, I hear Daemon shudder. His hand travel to my belly. He takes one step forward, moving in front of me and calls my name out in praise before kneeling before me.

I look down at him in concern, almost not noticing how Caraxes brings his snout close to me.

I am distracted by the dragon head that I almost don't hear Daemon say, "you're with child."

My hand darts up to Caraxes and my eyes widen as I turn back down to my husband.

He kisses my skirt, but I shake my head in disbelief, "don't mess with me, Daemon."

Daemon looks up at me then stands. He hushes me as he takes my face in his hands, "Caraxes can sense it," he presses a kiss on my forehead, "the gods have finally bended to my will."

Tears begin to glaze my eyes. "Daemon," I grip his wrist and look up at him, "I'm so happy, but what if-"

"Shhh," he pulls me against him, "I will not have you speak ill of this glorious discovery."

I begin to weep, and it seems Caraxes does not enjoy it for he huffs helplessly upon hearing it.

"I will be here, my love," he mutters, "I will do all I can to make sure nothing harms you or our child."

Caraxes makes a sound that seems to be of agreement.

[magniloquent-raven]

so like. ed never actually intended to kill stede right. im not the only one who thinks this? like, he 100% pulled that plan out of his ass on the spot to placate izzy. you can see his face fall the second izzy can't see him, he was totally putting up a front about the whole thing. and it's as he's walking away that the what the fuck did i just get myself into starts to sink in

and i just...kinda. think that's really interesting. because izzy was leaving. he could have just let izzy go and hung out with stede and everything would've been fine, except. he seems to, on some level, genuinely care about izzy. it's not just some one-sided fanatical devotion on izzy's part, they have a rapport. he couldn't just let him leave, because he actually likes this little fucker. or values his loyalty at the very least

idk it just makes the end of the season regression that much more depressing to me, because it's not like....ed getting bullied back into blackbeard mode by some asshole coworker or whatever, it's someone he's close with being openly hostile about his personal growth, and that shit hurts.

[maximumcheese]

210. Loopholes

Season: Summer

Location: Stalls In Front of the Live Stage

Time: Just after MDM

Kohaku: Go-o-raaaaahhh! Wait for me! I said I'm not going to beat 'im up, I'm just gonna pull a couple of hairs outta his head!

Why can'tcha just take your punishment like good little boys, you dumb idioooooots!

Niki: Stop stop stop!

My body and hair are my precious, precious possessions that I’ve dumped all my nourishment into~ I’m not gonna let anyone take that away from meeeee!

I didn’t do anything wrong, it was all Rinne-kun’s fault!

If you’re gonna pluck out my hair, at least get him too~! He’s a grown man, so it should totes be terrible for him!

Rinne: (—Ah, ha ha ♪)

(They’re havin’ fun, hey…It’s like I’m dreaming it all up. We’re not still noddin’ off on the late-night bus, are we?)

(That’d be nice, huh, but well, I’m not, so…)

(I'm not a little brat that believes that bad and miserable things don't happen in this reality.)

(Unfor~tunately, I'm a member of society who already understands that "Depressing Mondays" are sure to come, huh?)

(I don’t want to get climbin’ up in the years, but I can’t keep playing around forever.)

(Anyways—)

Hiiro: ………

Rinne: (Last time, I coulda’ taken him by surprise, confused him, and gotten away while he was still open.)

(But it won’t happen again, ‘cause his hunting skills come from my help, after all.)

Hiiro: ………

Rinne: …Hey. Don’t just stand there all silent and starin’ at me, you’re somehow starting to look like some cute girl tryin’ to pick me up.

Hiiro: …Yes. It seems that in the city, staring at other people's faces is a rude, or even detestable behavior. I just didn’t know where to start.

Rinne: Haha? You poor little thing, you’ve really been disowned by your own family, huh? ♪

You’ve got no right to call me “Nii-san” anymore, and it’s rude to address someone older than you without any honorifics.

You got some sort of psychological resistance referring to someone you hate as “san” or “sama”?

If you don’t know what to call them, it’s fine to just use “scum” or “idiot” you know?

That’s what everyone in this world does, they read off the labels pasted unwillfully on others. ♪

Hiiro: Hm. No, I’m going to call you “Nii-san,” like I normally would.

Rinne: …Really now? And why is that?

Hiiro: Well if it’s you, Nii-san—You’d understand. I was, in fact, disowned by you by virtue of your authority as monarch.

And I was ordered to never call myself an Amagi again.

But. In other words, I’m no longer a citizen of our hometown anymore. I lost that right. And back home, the monarch should have complete submission out of me but—

Rinne: …Yeah ♪

Hiiro: As I’m no longer obligated to follow the monarch’s orders, I can refuse your orders, too.

That’s why no matter what you say, I will call you my brother with dignity because—

I will hold my chest high, because I am Hiiro Amagi.

I’m Alkaloid’s Hiiro Amagi. In that capacity, as a formal idol from ES…I have a request for you Crazy: B.

Hiiro: Will you comply, or not?

Of course, you have the right to refuse this request. But if possible, I would be happy if you could accept.

Of course, if you fulfill my request, I'll also pay you the official fee in accordance with ES regulations.

…How about that, Nii-san?

Rinne: Hm~......I still think that you’re only thinking with your head, you know?

I want to praise you for findin’ that loophole on your own, and I'm glad we can have a somewhat normal conversation like this but, you know—

I've loved you since the day you were born.[1]

Hiiro: ………

Rinne: That’s why, cheer up. Do as you like, I’ll accept anything you got for me…What are we supposed to do, Alkaloid?

Hiiro: I’ll explain it now…I'm not going to ask you to do anything that difficult, so don't worry about it. Yes, probably.

Rinne: Gyahaha. Why are you being so delicate and inarticulate, is it ‘cause you had a hard day today? Did you get a sore throat from singin’ too much?

Hiiro: No, I’m fine. Mayoi-senpai trained me well in “bocal teck”.

But. When I was a child, you had been so nice to me, and I thought that had been because you were fulfilling your role as an older brother, as chief but—

After we met again in the city, you had such a disagreeable attitude and you’d make all these reckless remarks.

Surely, I had decided for myself that you hated me.

So when you show me kindness again even now it’s—What is it, like this, embarrassment? I have this strange feeling, is this embarrassment, Nii-san?

Rinne: Ah, yeah…I think? Stop that, you’re makin’ me feel embarrassed too, you know?

For just this line, Rinne uses “俺” (ore) instead of his usual “俺っち” (orecchi).

[dog-teeth]

2 weeks post op top surgery update!! pics & details under the cut!

i had my 2nd post op appointment on monday, getting the stitches off of my grafts and medical tape off my incisions. other than my limited mobility and some mood stuff and scar care, im pretty much back to normal! im v happy with how my chest looks, and my doctor said i was looking more healed than average for the 2-week mark :)

physical healing:

having the stitches taken off the nipple graft was a bit uncomfy but just felt like a light tugging and only took a few minutes. having the medical tape taken off hurt a bit bc the adhesive pulled on my skin, but it was super fast and not an intense pain at all.

so i had been instructed to keep my nipples very very hydrated with aquaphor (which is why they look shiny here lol), and not to pick at them or rub them. before my appointment yesterday, the entire grafts looked how the nipple does now, all black and scabbed, but i hadn’t been able to tell that it was just dead skin scabbed over & ready to come off because i had been keeping them so hydrated that they didn’t flake off like normal scabs, i thought it was just my bruised healing skin and that the scabbing process had barely started. then, i went into my appointment, and when my doctor took out the stitches, she swabbed the area lightly, and all of the dead skin came off super easily! i was so surprised! turns out almost all of the scabbing of the areola had already happened, i just didn’t know, because it was so different from normal scabs due to the constant hydration. now all thats left is the nipple, which takes longer to heal because its a thicker part of the graft.

you can see the little indentations on my skin from the gauze pressing down under my compression wrap, which i still wear all day every day, and will continue to do for the next few weeks. there is still a light bruise on one side of my chest and a numb patch on the other, plus a bit of swelling around the incisions, especially near the center of my chest. the bruise actually looks more visible in these pics than it does irl.

current physical care:

i’ve started scar care, which is super exciting! i massage my scars twice a day with healing ointment, keeping them nice n hydrated under a thin layer (but still dry enough that they dont get weird from being wrapped up all the time). i also started using silicone scar cream, which is for healing and fading scars.

i massage the incisions for about 15 minutes per day total, for 5-10 minutes at a time. it feels nice, its pleasing to run my fingers over the incisions, it is a bit tender on the place where there is still swelling and a light bruise. i also (very lightly) rub the outside of my nipple grafts when applying the aquaphor, which is to prevent the buildup of excess scar tissue that would raise my areolas up.

i feel much more confident about my healing after having the tape taken off my incisions and the scab tissue wiped off my nipple grafts. i spent the entire past 2 weeks worrying about my nipples falling off, and now i know that won’t happen lmao. im very excited about scar care, being able to massage the incisions and confidently touch my nipples is great. i’m looking forward to my nipples scab tissue flaking off, and for the dissolvable sutures under my incisions to dissolve completely, because i can feel them under my scars which is weird!

concerns going forward:

-spitting sutures, which is when a dissolvable suture gets agitated or rejected by your body and has to be removed, but it’s an easy fix if it does happen, i just have to go into my surgeons office and have them take it out.

-scar care! keeping my nipples hydrated, massaging my scars and the rims of my grafts, keeping everything wrapped under my ace bandage compression with gauze pads over the nipples.

-limited mobility and not carrying stuff- now that i’m pretty healed its hard to make myself not do normal things like reach my arms out, stretch, and lift things up, but i really shouldnt do it even if it doesn’t hurt.

-compression, i still wear my ace bandage wrap and will for at least 2 more weeks, which sucks, i can’t wait to be done with it! but im also glad it’s there because it makes my chest feel protected, i’m still very very cautious and weird about my giant wounds and still-healing nipples.

mood:

overall, i’m very happy with how it looks and how it’s healing. im very relieved to be past these first few weeks when everything is at its most difficult. i’ve been really really stressed out about it this whole time, worrying about my nipple grafts failing or not healing right, having full on anxiety attacks when i accidentally stretch my arms out too far or put too much weight on them, and being terribly afraid that my chest won’t look good aesthetically.

i’ve also been depressed lately, idk if it’s post-surgery depression or my normal depression or my seasonal depression. i was in very good spirits the first week, but i’ve been having low moods and low energy more recently :( i think once i’m able to drive and exercise again i’ll be much happier, but for now being trapped inside all day in my room has been rough.

recovery has been physically grueling and mentally very weird, because i literally did not believe it would actually happen until it had actually happened (seriously i was at the hospital getting prepped to be taken into the OR and i still didn’t think it would happen), and i didn’t believe it would be okay until my 2nd post op on monday when i saw how healed my grafts and incisions were. so really, i’m just now getting to experience the relief that i finally got surgery!!!! the more healed i get the more i enjoy it, which i’m sure will continue for the next months and probably years.

[lilyclawthorne]

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔 

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

[reidgraygubler]

a different type of high (spencer reid/reader) pt 3

Title: A Different Type of High (part three)

Request: no

Couple: spencer reid/gender-neutral!reader

Category: mostly fluff, but there is some angst

Content Warning: swearing, mentions of withdrawal and symptoms of withdrawal, talks of depression and suicide (but not for a sentence), mentions of overdose, (if i missed anything that needs to be tagged, please let me know!)

Word Count: 6,148

Summary: Spencer keeps his promise and takes Reader to get coffee before NA. While at the coffee shop, Reader meets one of Spencer’s co-workers and finds out who he actually works for.

A/N: i don’t have much to say other than… i don’t know if it actually snows in quantico virginia or dc. everywhere i’ve looked told me yes and told me no.. so i just made it snow. so if im wrong about that sorry o.o and, this one mentions the episode ‘elephant’s memory’ season 3 episode 16 (i think) anyways, thank you all for the love and support! check out my masterlist! and here’s a series moodboard i made on pintrest! 

previous part  series masterlist  next part 

{***}{***}{***}

Three firm knocks came from the front door of my apartment. I looked towards the door as I struggled to tie my shoes. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I stood up. My sweater was on the hook by the front door, so I can’t even excuse myself for running behind. It was just my anxiety causing me to be a little slow.

So with that, I walked up to the front door to answer it. I’m not sure why I was expecting anyone other than Spencer, but for some reason, my body was telling me it was someone else. But when I opened the door, a smile spread across my face when I saw Spencer.

Small snowflakes were sitting, and melting, in his hair as he stood in the hallway outside my own world. His nose and cheeks were a light rosy pink color because of the coldness outside. A dark plaid scarf was wrapped around his neck and hung over his unbuttoned jacket. And his eyes had a certain sparkle that I couldn’t seem to look away from.

“Hey,” Spencer smiled at me as he ruffled his hair, getting the snowflakes out. I stayed silent for a moment too long and kept my eyes on him. 

“Hey,” I blinked and shook my head, “I’m almost done… I, uh, was just… Do you want to come… Come in,” I kept my voice low as I asked. I stepped back and pulled the door open. 

“Thanks,” he smiled before stepping into my apartment. I looked around my home, realizing that it was a little on the messier side. 

“Sorry… Sorry for the mess. I usually don’t… I don’t really have visitors here. And, I guess I sort of forgot that you were coming over,” I bit my lips together.

“Oh, don’t… Don’t worry about it, really. My apartment is pretty messy too,” he brushed my messiness off like it was nothing. I looked around my home one last time before grabbing my sweater off the hook. “It’s starting to snow a little hard out there, we should get going,” Spencer cringed as he looked towards the window, which was covered by the cheap dollar store curtains. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m all ready,” I looked at him and smiled. He looked back at me before raising an eyebrow.

“You don’t have a coat?” He asked, watching as I grabbed my apartment keys. I shoved them in my pocket as I looked at him. 

“No, this is enough,” I smiled at him. Spencer nodded before following me out. “So, where was your trip to?” I looked up at Spencer as we stepped onto the sidewalk. He was wrapping a scarf around his neck before tucking it away into his coat. 

“Someplace in Texas,” he nodded as he buttoned the last button. He smiled at me before putting an arm around me. I just assumed he did it because I didn’t have an actual coat and just a sweater. “Work stuff… Kinda scary…”

“How does a work trip get scary?” I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at the ground. A very fine layer of snow was dusting the sidewalk, letting our footprints leave tracks as we walked. The snow was coming down like little cotton balls, so our footprints didn’t last very long. I always forget how cold it gets in the Winter. 

“Well, uh,” Spencer kept his voice low as he spoke. I raised an eyebrow before looking back up at him. “It’s a long story,” he added in an even lower voice.

“I have time for a long story,” I mumbled with a shrug. 

“It’s a really long story,” he looked down at me. I looked up at him and furrowed my eyebrows. It’d take a lot to get this story from him. I’m not even sure if it would be worth the fight...

The chilliness of the air nipped at the back of my neck and arms through my sweater, causing me to shiver. Spencer looked down at me with concern in his eyes. “We need to get you a proper jacket. It’s too cold out for you to be walking in just a sweater and jeans,” he spoke, his tone coming up an octave. I refrained from rolling my eyes because of him changing the subject. I’ll of course bring it up later. He’s clearly not telling me anything about what happened. 

“I’m okay, really. With just this,” I tugged on my sweater. Spencer looked down at me and raised an eyebrow. “Really, Spencer. It’s fine. I don’t think I have money for a coat anyways,” I shrugged it off as nothing. Spencer looked away from me, thinking about something to say. Then he suddenly pulled his scarf off and wrapped it around my neck. “I’m fine!” I exclaimed as I stepped away from him. “Spencer, if being cold is the only thing that gives me feeling, then let me be cold,” I looked up at him, “I’m going through enough withdrawal to be depressed and shit. Just let me be cold,” I pulled the scarf off and handed it back over to him.  The scarf stayed draped in my hand, swaying in the wind, between Spencer and me.

Spencer stared at the scarf in my hand before looking up at my face. I couldn’t exactly read the expression he wore, but he was definitely upset about my sudden mood change. He slowly shook his head as he pushed the scarf to me. 

“Keep it. If you don’t want a jacket and you won’t let me buy you one, I want you to keep my scarf,” he looked up at my face before taking the scarf from my hand. He carefully wrapped it around my neck and placed his hands on my shoulders. I rolled my eyes before smiling at him. “Please, I have another one at home,”

“Are you too stubborn to take no for an answer?” I asked as I started walking again. Spencer laughed as he caught up to my pace. I smiled as he returned his arm around my shoulders. I leaned more into his embrace.

“That would be correct,” he looked down at me and smiled. I rolled my eyes again and shook my head. 

We stayed silent on the remainder of the walk, it wasn’t a far walk from my apartment to the coffee shop. Occasionally, Spencer would crack a joke or two, causing me to laugh. Which was good. I missed a good laugh or two. 

“So, do any of your work friends know… about this?” I looked up at Spencer as we walked side-by-side into a coffee shop. It was probably a good bet to say that he probably frequents more often than not. “This being you and going to NA, you and you’re… and you and me,” I stopped myself from saying any more, mostly because I knew he hated when we talked about our issues outside of NA or the community center. I understood why he hated it, but it didn’t leave much left to talk about. 

“No, no they don’t,” he mumbled as we stepped in line. There were three or four other people in front of us. Just a short wait, that’s it. I’m okay with waiting, in all honesty. The longer we’re here, the longer we are away from the community center. And God knows we both hate that place... “And I’d prefer if it stayed that way,” he spoke, mostly to himself, like he was reminding himself that no one knew of this secret life he has.

“I see,” I whispered and stepped closer to him. Spencer looked down at me before wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I looked down and smiled as he held me closer. “I’ve never been here before,” I looked around the cafe, taking in the atmosphere of the place. It was comfy and cozy. As opposed to the outside, which was cold and snowy. 

“Pretty good. Although, it’s kinda hard for me to say no to coffee,” he laughed as he stepped forward in line. I returned the laughter and nodded. 

“What do you get? Normal black coffee? Or a fun drink?” I looked up at him. Spencer looked back down at me and thought. 

“Usually just plain coffee with cream and some sugar,” he nodded as he looked towards the front at the menu. I followed his gaze and looked over the menu myself. “What about you?”

“Uh,” I shifted on my feet and looked back at his face, “I just... I don’t really drink coffee or anything,” I crossed my arms over my chest. Spencer hummed as he looked down at me. “I guess hot chocolate is okay,” I whispered and looked back up at Spencer. 

“Hot chocolate, pretty good,” he spoke as he shoved his other hand in his pocket to pull out his wallet. We both silently stepped up to the counter. 

“Hey there, what can I get you guys?” The barista had a certain chipper-ness to her tone. It was probably from all the caffeine she consumes on a daily basis. Or it was the fact that she’s been awake for a million hours and is just tired. Probably the former...

“Large coffee, plain… Room for sugar and cream,” Spencer smiled at the barista. I shoved my hands in my pocket, hoping to find a spare bill or two. But when I pulled my hand out and it was empty, I frowned. Of course, I don’t have extra money. I’m a 22-year-old drug addict (Recovering… Recovering drug addict), who buys street drugs and can barely pay rent on time. Why would I have extra money shoved into my pocket?

“I don’t need anything,” I looked up at Spencer and forced a fake smile on my lips. He frowned and looked at the barista, who was watching the two of us with a friendly smile.

“No, no, my treat. Don’t worry about it,” He gestured to the counter. He removed his arm from my shoulder and pulled money from his wallet. I looked at him with wide eyes before looking back at the barista.

“Uh, small hot chocolate… Thanks,” I kept my voice low, mostly because my anxiety was going crazy. No one’s ever gotten me a drink before, much less anything. 

The barista smiled at Spencer and I before taking the money from him. I glanced at him, watching him place the change into the tip jar. He looked down at me with a small smile before guiding me over to where a sign that said “Pick Up Here” sat.

“You didn’t have to buy me a drink, Spencer,” I whispered as we stayed close to one another. He shrugged as he shoved both hands into his pocket. “No, seriously, it’s okay,”

“It isn’t okay, because it’s cold outside and having a nice hot drink is always nice.” Spencer looked down at me and shrugged, “Just accept the kind gesture,” he lifted a hand and placed it on my shoulder. 

“I’ve never had someone just buy me something before. I mean,” I stopped myself from talking because the end of that statement had to do with drugs. “Ya know?” I glanced at him, hoping he’d just know what I meant. 

“Well, that’ll have to change, won’t it,” he whispered and smiled softly. I stared at him and shrugged. I shifted my gaze from his face and to the ground between us. 

“Here’s that hot chocolate and coffee for you two.” A different barista smiled at Spencer and I as he placed two paper cups on the counter. Spencer grabbed both cups and handed one over to me. We both turned to leave. 

“Listen, Spencer, hot chocolate is one thing. But a coat? That’s a whole other thing,” I spoke before taking a sip of my hot chocolate. I hummed as the warmth spread through my body. He smiled at me before grasping my hand.

“C’mon,” Spencer started as he pulled me towards the door of the cafe. I could feel a smile tug on my lips as we walked past a new rush of people.

“Reid?” a woman’s voice spoke, stopping Spencer and I in our tracks. He looked away from me and towards the owner of the voice. I followed his gaze and saw a thin brunette. I didn’t like the way he pulled his hand away from mine like he didn’t want to be caught with someone.

“H-Hi, Emily,” Spencer stared at her with wide eyes. The tone and shakiness in his voice definitely told the person and I that he was anxious that this was happening. Which was valid, considering we were just talking about his friends and co-workers and it’d be bad if they found out about NA. 

“Emily… Prentiss. I work with Spencer,” She smiled as she looked at me and stuck out a hand. Spencer still has to tell me what his occupation is. Whenever I asked him where he works, he always said he didn’t like talking about it or that it’d worry me. So, this’ll be a fantastic conversation topic on the way to the community center. 

I copied the same stare that Spencer held in his eyes. My eyes were glued to her hand. And, no doubt was my anxiety higher than his. “And you are,” she asked after a moment of my staring and silence. Her smile was still kind, but it was a little worrisome. And, her stare scared me, almost like she was reading me or something.

“Right, right, sorry,” I muttered as I placed my hand in hers. I muttered my name and looked at her. She raised her eyebrow before her eyes shifted to look at Spencer. 

“How do you know Spencer,” Emily asked, pulling her hand away from mine. I glanced at Spencer, silently pleading for him to take the lead on this question. I really didn’t want to answer this question because I didn’t know how to answer it. 

“Friend from the library,” Spencer spoke up with a certain… fakeness to his tone. It was obvious he was lying. It looked like Emily picked up on that too. With the way she pointedly stared at Spencer.

“How do you think I met him?” I looked up at her and shrugged. I looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall and sighed. “If we’re walking, we’re gonna be late,” I looked back at Spencer and spoke firmly. Spencer looked down at me and nodded.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Emily,” Spencer looked back at his friend and smiled. Emily looked between the two of us before allowing us to leave.

“It was nice meeting you,” she smiled at me as we finally left. I flashed her a nervous smile just as the door closed. 

Once we were finally outside, Spencer wrapped his arm back around me. I could feel my body get frigid, I played it off as the temperature of the outside even though it was the return of Spencer’s affection. I really enjoyed the affection, but what I didn’t like was his sudden lack of affection the second we see someone he knows. I understand why he did it, but I hated it. I’m a secret. 

“Who’s Emily?” I asked, my tone low. I tried not to sound jealous. Spencer’s my best friend, and that’s it. I don’t like anyone like that, and I probably never will. “I mean, I know she’s someone you work with… But you never tell me anything about what you do for work, Spencer,” 

“She’s, uh,” he looked down at me. I kept my eyes away from him and stayed silent as I waited for my answer. “Yeah, she’s one of my co-workers.” He nodded. I looked back up at him and furrowed my eyebrows. 

“Where is it you guys work? Because it’s clearly not a Starbucks,” I asked, pressing him again about his occupation. “I mean, because if it is Starbucks, can you get me a job?” I smiled at him. Spencer laughed and shook his head. “Okay, okay, you don’t have to tell me where you work… But can you describe where you work?”

“No it’s not Starbucks,” he looked down at me and smiled softly. And with that, our conversation about his occupation ended. I tried not sounding or acting upset. But that’s okay. I’ll get over it. 

“Thanks for the hot chocolate,” I looked up at him and smiled. He returned the smile before taking a sip of his coffee.

{***}{***}{***}

“I just don’t understand… Why can’t you tell me?” I looked at Spencer as we walked towards the chairs. He glanced down at me before gesturing towards two chairs. I sat down before him, then watched as he sat down beside me. “Do you work someplace super duper embarrassing? Oh my god, are you a stripper?” I turned to look up at him. Spencer glared at me, a teeny-tiny smile growing on his lips. “Oh my god, you are,” I whispered as I moved closer to him. My butt was on the very edge of my chair so I could be as close as I could to him. “Can you show me somethi-”

“What, no! I’m not a stripper,” Spencer furrowed his eyebrows before laughing. I returned the laughter and looked up at him. He looked over his shoulders to see if anyone was nearby, or close enough to hear our conversation. “Why don’t we talk about this when we’re done here… No one here needs to hear our conversation,” Spencer whispered as he looked back at me. I looked at him before reaching out to hold his hand. He flinched slightly when I touched his hand. I looked up at him before blinking. As I went to pull my hand away from him, his grip tightened around my hand.  “Does that sound good? I’ll be honest and answer any questions you have,” he looked down at our hands and nodded. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, whether that be saliva or nerves he was swallowing back. A light shade of pink grew on his face, coming up from his neck.

“Yeah, yeah that works,” I looked down at my lap. The scarf was draped over my legs, keeping me warm a little bit. Jacob stood up in the middle of the circle to introduce everyone, and I already wanted the night to be over. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Spencer looking over at me as I silently prayed for death to take me now. “My place or yours?” I smiled softly before looking back at him. 

“Yours since we’re already walking back there,” he dropped his head to his shoulder before looking at me. I smiled and turned to face Jacob. 

{***}{***}{***}

“Uh, I don’t have much in the means of food. I might have a can of spaghetti-o’s… If you’re hungry,” I spoke as I pulled the scarf off my neck and placed it on the hook, along with my sweater. 

“Oh, I’ll just have a glass of water,” Spencer spoke as he pulled his coat off. He placed his coat right on the hook beside my sweater. I nodded before walking over to the small kitchenette area. 

“You can have a seat anywhere, couch, armchair, floor... “ I grabbed two glasses before filling them with water. I walked back to the living room, my eyes down on the ground.

“So,” I whispered as I set the glasses on the coffee table. Spencer, who was sitting on the couch, leaned over and picked one up. I sat on the opposite end of the couch before curling up into the corner. “Emily seems very nice,” I looked at him, watching as he sipped his water. 

“She is… Everyone I work with is like family to me,” Spencer looked at me before placing his glass back on the coffee table. “It’s frustrating because...” he started, but he didn’t finish his thought. I furrowed my eyebrows and stared at him. 

“What’s frustrating?” I asked, watching as he furrowed his eyebrows. He looked back at me for a moment before exhaling.

“It’s frustrating… Because I constantly ask for help and no one helps.” Spencer looked down at his lap. I raised my eyebrow as I turned to face him more.

“How are you asking for help? And… I thought you said no one knows,” I whispered as I laid my head on the back of the couch. Spencer glanced at me before looking back down at his hands. He was pulling at fingers, his joints quietly popping. “Spencer, if no one knows what’s going on, then they can’t help you,” I kept my voice low because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I’m sure with Spencer I couldn’t ever say the wrong thing. I mean, he couldn’t say the wrong thing to me… 

“No, no… I think they know… And that scares me,” he whispered as he looked back at his hands. “I’ve been with them for so long, and they know me enough to know when something’s wrong,” he shrugged before shifting in his seat.

“What is it you do for work? You still haven’t told me,” I looked back at him as I asked. His gaze shifted between the couch and my face. The way his eyes shifted across my face and his silence told me he was trying to find the words to say but was having a hard time formulating them.

“I work for the FBI,” he whispered, dropping his gaze away from my face. 

I could feel my heart drop to my stomach and a certain sickness rise up my esophagus. It took everything in me not to be sick at the moment. My hand balled up into a tight fist, and I could feel my nails digging into my palms so hard, I’m sure if they weren’t nubs I would have bled. The FBI… The police… People who arrest people who buy and sell drugs illegally. People like me...

“The… The FBI?” I asked in a whisper. My voice was shaky as I spoke. Spencer looked back at me and nodded lightly. I shifted in my seat, my body wanting to leave. “You’re not… You’re not an undercover agent, are you?” I swallowed roughly as I stared at him. 

“What? No,” Spencer scowled as he looked at me. I looked away from him, mouthing the word ‘Sorry,’ but not even meaning the apology. “I’m not an undercover agent, and I’m not going to arrest you. No, I’m like you. I’m trying too get better.” He whispered as he looked back down on the couch. “Last week, when I was on the work trip… I was saving a kid… Some teenager… He was… He was bullied growing up and in high school. And, he was…”

“Victim turned bad guy?” I asked, interrupting him. He glanced over at me and nodded lightly.

“Yeah, yeah that’s basically what had happened. They were going to shoot him,” he whispered. I glanced at him and noted that tears were rolling down his cheeks. 

“They? They being the other members of your team?” I wrinkled my nose as I asked. He glanced at me again and nodded. I moved to stand up, but Spencer reached out and grabbed my wrist to stop me from standing. I looked at him with wide eyes and terror on my face. His features softened as he looked at me, realizing that this was getting too real for me too fast.

“And, I… I couldn’t let this kid die. So I stood between this kid, this kid that I only knew so much about, and nine police officers and federal agents and their guns,” he whispered, his voice breaking as he went on. My eyes grew wet as he spoke. 

“That’s really stupid of you, Spencer,” I whispered as I shift back to be sitting on the couch. Spencer laughed lightly and nodded. “Don’t… Don’t do that again,” I rubbed the underside of my nose and shook my head.

“Yeah, it was stupid of me, wasn’t it… But, this kid is alive,” he whispered. I looked over at him and watched as he moved closer to me. “You can trust me. I’m trying every bit as you are to get better,” he spoke as he readjusted his grip from my wrist to my hand. I swallowed roughly and looked down at our hands.

“You… I know we don’t know we don’t know each other too well… But you can’t die, Spencer. I don’t care if it’s because of work, because of a bad guy, or because of someone at work, or if it’s because of drugs… But, you can’t die,” I whispered as I looked back at him. I could really feel the tears racing down my cheeks. “I’ve never been clean as long as I have been. I don’t think I can do this without you,” I roughly rubbed my cheeks and shook my head.  “I’m… I’m sorry, that’s stupid,” I scoffed and shook my head.

“That’s not stupid. Nothing about it all is stupid.” Spencer looked at me as he spoke. He lifted a hand to wipe my cheeks with a thumb. I looked at him before looking at the ground. “I’m having a rough time… With, uh, with, well, you know. I’ve stopped, uh, it. And last week’s case was the first case without it. I just didn’t care what happened, even if that meant dying.” He whispered as his grip on my hand tightened. “If you can do it… I can do it,”

“Accountability buddies,” I smiled as I reminded him of our promise to each other. Spencer looked back at me and smiled.

“Yes, accountability buddies,” he sighed as he pulled me close for a hug. I took a deep breath, breathing in his smell. “You alright?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright,” I wiped my cheeks again, “Mister FBI Agent,” I looked up at him and smiled, “Can you stay the night?” I asked, looking away from his face and at the messy coffee table. 

“Are you sure?” He looked down at me as he rested his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him and nodded.

“I think it’d make me feel better… Knowing that you’re… That you’re here,” I glanced at him. I wasn’t sure if I was embarrassed or not. But, I definitely felt weird asking him to stay here. Just something about him being near for the night made me feel safe. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I understand if it’s weird or what-”

“Yeah, I think I can make that work,” he nodded and looked at me. I smiled before throwing my arms back around him. “Just don't be surprised if I’m not here when you wake up,” he laughed lightly as rested his hands on my back, “I just… I know I’ll have to be at the office early,” he further explained. 

“That’s okay,” I nodded and looked up at him, “I promise I won’t make it a habit… Of asking you to stay the night, that is,” I looked away from him and shrugged. Spencer laughed and shook his head.

“I wouldn’t care if you did,” he muttered. I probably wasn’t supposed to hear him say that, but I did. And it kinda made me feel happy, like unusually happy. “Is it alright if I use the bathroom?” He asked as he stood up. 

“Oh, yeah, yep,” I copied his action and stood up. I looked to the ground as I lead him towards the bathroom, “Here you go,” I gestured into the open room. Spencer smiled at me before entering, pressing the door behind him. I stared at the surface of the door before stepping away. My fingers were tapping together as I walked back to the living room. My anxiety was a little high, and I wasn’t sure why, and the tapping was helping me calm down a bit. I had no secrets in the bathroom, nothing embarrassing or dangerous for him to see. 

I silently went back to sit on the couch, pulling my throw blanket over my shoulders. My apartment wasn’t necessarily cold. But there was enough of a chill to be noticeable. Well, to me at least. I’m not so sure about Spencer. I know I could just turn the heat up, but heating bills are expensive.

I instinctively stood up when the bathroom door clicked open. Spencer stepped out, drying his hands on his shirt. I internally cringed at my lack of paper towels or hand towels in the bathroom.

“Sorry,” I looked up at him and cringed. He looked back at me and shook his head.

“It’s okay,” he smiled as he shoved his hands into his pockets. I stared at him for a moment before walking away from the couches. “I really don’t have an issue sleeping on the couch,” he took a larger step to walk beside me. I glanced at me and shrugged.

“It’s cold,” I pointed out as we walked closer to my room. Spencer looked at me and smiled. “Besides, my bed can hold two people,” I smiled, mostly to myself. My bed wasn’t big, to begin with, two people probably shouldn’t be sharing. But, here we are… Because I didn’t want to be alone tonight. 

“Okay, okay,” Spencer laughed lightly as we entered the room. I looked up at himand smiled more as he looked at my bed. “If you say so,”

{***}{***}{***}

Okay, I was right, yet wrong at the same time. My bed can hold two people. But, it shouldn’t. Even though I’m smaller than Spencer, we were both on the very edge of the mattress. We had been in bed for an hour, and it’d been about 45 minutes since I shut the light off, leaving us in total darkness. I wouldn’t say I was uncomfortable, but it was difficult to be comfortable.

I rolled over onto my side, my back facing Spencer. Spencer was stiff on top of the blanket, making it impossible to get comfortable under it. He laid perfectly still on his back with his hands folded on his stomach.

“You know you can get under the blanket,” I spoke out loud as I looked up at him. He looked over at me, and it was clear that he hadn’t fallen asleep yet either. “Or, I can go get the blanket from the living room and you can use that,” I added in a whisper.

“It’s fine,” he nodded before shifting to move the blanket.

Once Spencer was actually under the blanket, he rolled on his side, so my back was pressed against his chest. My body stiffened once he relaxed. After a few minutes, I finally let my body relax and melt into the bed… That was until Spencer draped his arm over my body. 

“It’s okay,” I spoke before he even got the chance to move away from me, “It’s fine, you’re… You can stay there,” I shivered because I was cold and not because of my sudden anxiety. I knew he could sense my nerves. “It’s fine, really, Spencer,” I placed a hand on top of his to keep him from moving away from me. “Are you asleep?” I whispered, already knowing the answer. I knew we both wouldn’t be asleep anytime soon. The cuddling happening between us is obviously something we’ve never experienced before. I mean, I don’t know about Spencer, but I’ve never cuddled another human being other than my own mother (but even then she hadn’t cuddled me in more than 10 years). 

“Yes, I’m still awake,” he spoke, his voice low. His grip around me got a little tighter, pulling me closer to his chest. The way he held on to me was comparable to a child holding their stuffed animal, and I was honestly okay with it. “I’m assuming you’re still awake, considering you just asked me a question,” 

“I don’t usually fall asleep for a while after I go to bed,” I mumbled, pulling the blanket closer to me, “I spend most of my nights in bed, awake till 4 am,” I sighed. I silently hoped that tonight would be different though. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Spencer whispered. I shrugged as I shifted closer to him and further to the middle of the bed. “Maybe you should try to sleep earlier tonight,” “Yeah… Maybe,” 

{***}{***}{***}

I woke up before him. Our legs were tangled together, and he was holding me close against his chest. For the first time in a long time, I actually slept well. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the enormous space heater beside me, or because another person was actually in bed with me, but I was getting very hot.

I looked up at Spencer’s face, wanting to stay like this for a while. Although, I knew we couldn’t stay like this. He’d have to leave soon to go to work. He just looked so peaceful asleep. And, I was so comfortable lying here… 

I widened my eyes as I stared at him. My heart started beating faster, and I wasn’t sure if I could get it to slow. Part of me was worried that it’d wake him up, and another part of me was okay with it all. But, why was I worried as much as I was? And, why was it only when I was with Spencer I felt this way? What was going on? Crap...

I quickly closed my eyes and nuzzled my body closer to him when I saw that he started stirring. I threw my arms over his body and pressed my face to his chest. His heart beating and breath was somewhat soothing for me.

Spencer carefully shifted in his space before pulling my arms off him. I refrained from pouting. The bed shifted as Spencer sat up in the bed, partly bringing the blanket with him. He tossed the blanket back to me, lightly covering me again.

“Do you have to go to work,” I whined as I looked at Spencer as he slid out of my bed. He looked down at me with wide eyes. 

“I thought you were asleep,” he half muttered. I sat up before rubbing my eyes. Sleep? Pfft, I never sleep. He should know that! We just talked about it last night. “And, yes, I have to go to work,” he stood up and turned to look at me. I looked up at him and frowned.

“Nah, I never sleep, we talked about that last night,” I shook my head. Spencer sat at the foot of the bed to put his shoes back on. “I just have a bed to lay in and wallow in self-pity when I’m not at the community center,” I rubbed my nose. I pushed the blanket off me and crawled over to sit beside him. “And when I’m not with you,” I looked up at him.

“You don’t do anything during the week?” He looked over at me with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged and shook my head. “Really?”

“I mean, Wednesdays are really the only days I have stuff. I guess I could do chores and stuff,” I looked towards the door, remembering the mess in my living room, “I know what you’re thinking, I should get a job. But that’s so hard. I don’t have any job experience,” 

“I never said I was thinking that,” Spencer turned to face me. I dropped my shoulders and looked up at him. “How do you-”

“I’m friends with the owner of the building and he knows I live on hard times. And, mom had some money left behind,” I dropped my head so I wasn’t looking at him. 

“I’m not judging you,” he spoke, his tone very insistent. I sighed and nodded. 

“You should go, before you’re late,” I looked back up at him, “I don’t want to be the reason why you’re late. Emily already knows about me. We don’t need the others asking about me. Some random girl you slept with,” I smiled. Spencer looked over at me, trying to hold back his smile.

“You’re not going to stay in bed all day, are you?” He asked, standing up. I looked up at him and shook my head.

“I told you, I can do chores and stuff,” I shrugged and looked around my room, this time at the laundry room. “Will I see you again before next Wednesday?” I asked as I moved closer to the edge of the bed.

“That’ll entirely depend on work,”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right. Agent Spencer,” I smiled at him before standing up. Spencer glared at me for a moment before laughing, “Are you like 007?” I asked leading him back out of my room.

“No, I’m not like James Bond,”

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[darkelite020]

Bad Batch thoughts & predictions Ep 7

Continuing these written reactions/predictions somewhere cause itd be fun I think to see what actually ends up happening and remembering what I thought at the time so im dumping it here, youre welcome. (Feel free to discuss if you want) if you want to keep up with it im gonna be tagging these as #jay rambles about bb

- Ruby? Did I forget? Who/what is Ruby? -- Oh ok. Interesting bounty I suppose. - Wrecker and Omega have a completing mission tradition? That is SO cute. - Hooded person is here >>  -- I’m still holding out on my rex or ahsoka predicition because I think it would make sense for the sisters to call them since theyre friends with ahsoka and obviously she knows about clones and Rex is/was with her last we saw him... but the hooded persons eyes definitely aren’t ahsokas so I think it’s rex and if it is Im gonna be so happy - “Thats not her ugly side?” FFF Tech you bastard I love you - I SEE THE WHITE AND BLUE ARMORED ARM IM GONNA SCREAM - I’M SCREAMING -- REX I MISSED YOU SO MUCH I’M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU AGAIN AHHHHH --- I KIND OF POKED FUN AT MYSELF THIS WEEK REBLOGGING A MEME OF A GRANDMA SAYING ‘REX WILL BE IN THE NEXT EPISODE’ AND SOME YOUNGER PERSON EXCORTING THEM AND SAYING SOMETHING LIKE ‘OK GRANDMA LETS GET YOU INSIDE’ OR SOME SHIT BUT **VIOLENTLY POINTING AT THE SCREEN** MY LOVE IS HERE - Cid shut the fuck up he is a KING how dare you - Oh no. Oh god. “thats a long story.” Is he going to talk to him about his pov with 66 and about the ship and Jesse AND FIVES OH FUCK -- So it skipped to Rex talking about the end of the war but we didn’t hear really the story itself, and I really hope thats not all we get when it comes to him talking about the people he and at least echo knew. Like if he talked about Fives learning about the chips and not being listened to and that resulted in 66 because of the chips where activated and made them betray the jedi but we get no reaction from Echo I’m going to be pretty disappointed honestly. Like I get the bad batch not really knowing the squad so they have excuses but Echo did, and I really hope they don’t do the thing “Oh well Echo was caught by droids so now he doesn’t care about them anymore” because... that sucks. Like honestly Echo wasn’t even super crazy about seeing Rex either tbh (I get that Echo feels like he doesn’t fit in with regs and thats all fine and dandy) but it kinda feels like he doesn’t give a shit about what he’s gone through with other people. ---Rambling and getting off topic now because I have some shit between Echo and Fives: but if thats the case like we all know it fucked up Fives when he thought Echo was dead so if Echo isn’t the same way about Fives I guess thats just like... depressing and it sucks because everyone sees them as “that duo”. Again we really don’t know what Rex said exactly so its possible it didnt get brought up but if it did...  - Wrecker picking up Rex is so cute but you can see the fucking worry in Rex’s eyes for being picked up by him cause Wrecker would throw him and agjsdb I love it. - Omega straight up being like “youre old” while looking at Rex’s face PFFT no filter kid. - REX KNOWS ABOUT WRECKER -- Good I’m very happy Rex is calling them out on this inhibitor chip shit. ‘Oh crosshair was just an exception’ should definitely not be an excuse. - Oh alright so the glimpse in the trailer was a junkyard and not the same thing. Same kind of ship but not where the graveyard is. Honestly thats kind of a relief. - OH SHIT I WAS TALKING ABOUT FIVES NOW THEY ARE BRINGING HIM UP IM GONNA CRY ABOUT FIVES ALL OVER AGAIN -- wait.... now I don’t know if they know or not about him. - The scenery in this show is really pretty im just gonna go ahead and give some appreciation. - Oh no Wrecker! Pull up the rope!!!!!! He can climb but you can also pull him!!!! -- Thank god. - Omega talking about if something goes wrong? It’s not like theyre all gonna die at the same exact time.... like theyre only gonna do the surgery one at a time so... Omega what are you imagining sis? Like if one person turns? It’s still kind of unlikely that they could defeat the other very talented people in the room. - OH SHIT TECH YELL FOR HELP - HEY THIS HURTS MY FEELINGS DAVE HEY HEY -- LIKE YEAH THEY CANT POSSIBLY KILL THEM ALL CAUSE THE SHOW NEEDS TO GO ON BUT HEY --- Lowkey predicting they could all turn by the end of the show season cause like if they dont beat wrecker and cant use the medical bay then they are fucked. Also especially think this is gonna happen because one of the directors literally said the second half of season 1 is gonna get emotional and holy shit can you imagine. ---- WHAT IF THEY DO AND ITS JUST OMEGA AND REX TEAMING UP TO SAVE THEM HOLY SHIT AND ITD GIVE EVEN MORE OF A MEANING TO THE WORDS “THE BAD BATCH” - Holy shit this fight Wrecker grabbed ECHO BY HIS FUCKING FACE - Ok I was seriously wondering about Omega’s concerns but now HOLY SHIT CAUSE THATS ALL I CAN SAY LIKE THEYRE NOT DEAD BUT OH MY GOD I DIDN’T THINK ITD GO DOWN LIKE THIS - THANK YOU REX OUR HERO - I know we’re all having a moment after Wrecker but can you guys like team up to move him off the table and get your own done like even if its a bit risky cause we don’t need a repeat of what just happened like yeah theres not enough time in the episode for it but still - The *immediate* little head pat “Hey kid” ;-;

- Ok I’m glad theyre getting them out - THE GENTLE REASSURING TOUCHES IN THIS EPISODE *deep breath* ARE GIVING ME SERATONIN  - Wreckers apology ;-; THIS IS SO FUCKING SAD AND CUTE - Rex is leaving already? :( Be safe you funky little space soldier. - Not really surprised the empire is gonna know they were there cause it was only a matter of time but if theyre smart theyd get off planet and back to Cid before the empire gets there to see whats up.  -- Im sure they’ll realize they removed their chips though, I wonder if crosshair will show up (he probably will) but if he does rather its gonna be a fight there between the empire and bb maybe the bb can win and save crosshair or they have to retreat and something else goes on idk. - Would love if Crosshair was saved because he really got the short end of the stick and is being called “the bad batch” but like he’s not even really there with them for the show so far... also you can tell subtly that he doesn’t like being alone which is fucking sad :tm: because all his friends are gone and it hurts even more now because wrecker was talking about how he didn’t want to do things and he was trying not to hurt them and stuff in his apology and you know damn well Crosshair is the same way about his friends he’s probably just a lot less expressive about it.  -- Honestly even bad batch aside can you imagine how terrible all of the clones feel like all the regs over all knowing theyre the downfall of the jedi and thinking that they were trying to resist it too. Like they know whats happening and deep inside theyre themselves but they cant do shit about it. That fucking hurts me.  This is a longer post but this episode was a roller coaster for my emotions.