#I just need occasional external validation

[misskamelie]

Fastest way to get me to do something is to make it in such a way where I know what the end goal/performance should be like + bonus points if it has clear and delimited subtasks

[motorsportbarbie13]

Post It - Part 7 - LN4

when lando stumbles upon a random tiktok of a pretty american influencer, he can't stop himself from sliding into her DMs. what happens next is more than both of them ever bargained for.

|| - Part 1 || - Part 2 || - Part 3 || - Part 4 || - Part 5 || - Part 6 || Master List

warnings & notes: lil bit of smut at the end. swearing. As always, thanks to @lestapiastrisgirl for the external validation, even if she does forget about me sometimes. 😁 pairing: lando norris x influencer!reader word count: 4.6k words

The blistering Miami heat beat down on the paddock early Friday morning, the humidity hanging in the air thick and heavy. It clung to everything like a damp blanket, even this early. Outside the air-conditioned haven of McLaren’s hospitably, the sun was already blazing hot overhead and you were regretting your choice of spots for breakfast. 

You and Lando sit at a small shaded table just outside the doors of building, half eaten breakfast of fruit and whatever else your boyfriend had chosen sits scattered between you. The air buzzes with the low hum of generators and the distant roar of engines being prepped for the first and only practice session of the weekend. Lando sits across from you, a mix of nervous energy and focused calm radiating off of him as he scrolls through his phone, occasionally glancing up at you as if he’s checking to make sure you’re still there. The moment you two had been reunited yesterday, it had felt like a giant weight lifted right off his shoulders. He’d slept so well last night, better than he had in what felt like weeks, with you tucked up against him, limbs tangled together and his arms curled securely around your middle. 

He felt focused as he sat watching the replay of the weekend warmup show from his phone, prepped after a win in Saudi Arabia and confident from his maiden win here last year. You were just happy to have today off to a better start compared to yesterday, despite the fact that the heavy humidity was already making your skin prickle in protest. 

Just as a comfortable silence settles over the table, punctuated by the clink of cutlery and the distant shout of an engineer, Hannah breezes over, a whirlwind of energy. You hadn’t seen her for a few weeks either, as she had needed to go home to California for a bit but with the race being state-side this weekend, she was able to make it. 

“If it isn’t my two favorite love birds.” Hannah teases as she pulls out a chair before plopping down beside you. “I heard you guys caused quite the PR nightmare yesterday.” 

You scoff, looking pointedly at Lando. “Hey now, that wasn’t my fault!” 

Lando rolls his eyes, dismissing Hannah’s teasing with a wave of his hand. “It’s fine. I made it up to her last night, didn’t I baby?” 

The smug look on his face has Hannah choking on her water and you reaching over to swat at his arm while you shout, “Lando Norris!” 

Lando holds his hands up in a show of mock innocence, “What? You’re going to look at me and tell me that I’m wrong.” 

Brows raised, you have to admit can’t really argue with him. As soon as he had gotten you back to the hotel room late last night, your clothes had been on the floor and had remained there until Lando’s alarm had gone off early this morning. He had pulled you to the edge so many times over the course of the night, in both his bed and this morning in the shower as you were getting ready for the day that you were still deliciously sore as you sat next to him in the paddock. 

“Okay, that’s enough from you two.” Hannah says, nose wrinkled in distaste. “Come on,” She stands before turning to you, hands on her hips. “Can we go find Alexandra? Ferrari always has the best iced coffee, better than anything Red Bull has.” 

You laugh, leaning over to press a kiss to Lando’s mouth. “Yeah, I need some extra caffeine this morning, don’t I Lan?” 

“Enough!” Hannah groans. 

“You’re both traitors.” Lando mutters as he watches you take a few steps away. “McLaren’s coffee is just fine.” 

“Oh stop. You know that is total lie.” You say, hands on your hips. “Ferrari has the best food in the paddock.” 

Lando captures your waist in his arms, pulling you closer. If he was going to suffer the backlash from the comms team after his little slip up yesterday, he was certainly going to enjoy his new found freedom in being able to paw at you openly in public. “Fine, but don’t forget I need a good luck kiss before quali this afternoon.” He says, bottom lip poking out in a over exaggerated pout. 

Hannah rolls her eyes, “You can have her back for lunch, Lando. I told you we’d share custody of her, didn’t I?” 

“Fine, but make sure she’s back in time so I don’t have to send out the authorities to look for her. I don’t want to have to take you to court for modified visitation.” 

“Okay! That’s enough with the divorced parents analogy, thank you!” You grab Hannah’s arm before the two can bicker over you even more. “Let’s go find some decent coffee before you two start drawing up a custody agreement.” 

You and Hannah navigate the bustling paddock, weaving your way though the throngs of team personnel, media, and VIP guests. The air is thick with the smell of fuel and the hum of voices, loud and excited in anticipation of this weekend’s races. It doesn’t take long before you’re standing in front of Ferrari’s hospitality, a hive of activity surrounded by a sea of scarlet and yellow. After a few moments you spot Charles LeClerc’s girlfriend Alexandra sitting by herself at an outdoor table. 

“There she is.” Hannah says, nudging you with her elbow. “Lets go say hi.” 

You’d met Alexandra back in Japan and had instantly clicked with the brunette. You had a lot in common and had instantly bonded over your shared love of art and her dog Leo. You and Hannah approach, exchanging quick hugs and cheek kisses before quickly catching up on the latest gossip, most of which seemed to center around you lately. After catching up in the latest goings on and getting some of the coveted iced coffee you were craving, Hannah suggests a walk to stretch your legs before the first practice session. 

“Let’s see if we can find some shade.” Alex suggests, gesturing towards a less crowded area of the paddock. “I’m already melting, this humidity is so gross.” 

As the three of you stroll along, the noise of the garages fading into a dull roar, you find yourselves walking down a less frequented path towards the back corner of the paddock. The air is still thick with heat, but a slight breeze offers you a small reprieve and you start to feel your body adjust to the heat. 

Suddenly, Hannah stops in her tracks, mouth dropping open when she spots a familiar figure standing a few feet ahead of your group. You follow her line of sight and when you see who she’s starting at your stomach flips very unpleasantly. 

Allegra. 

“What the fuck is she doing here?” You hiss, heart hammering so hard against your ribcage, you’re surprised you don’t bruise something. 

“You don’t think Lando…” Alexandra lets the sentence hang in the air but you’re shaking your head before her thought is even completed. 

“No, he showed me the messages between him and her weeks ago. There was never anything going on.” 

“Well don’t look now but she’s coming over here.” Hannah warns, sliding her sunglasses up into her hair so she can fully glare at the blonde walking towards you with a smug grin on her face. 

You thought it would probably not be a good look if you punched her, but you considered it anyways. As she approached you felt a pang of insecurity rush through you just looking at her long blond hair, wondering how she kept it looking so perfect in the Miami humidity. She was thinner than you, perfectly tanned and was flashing you a blindingly white smile that reminded you of a shark circling it’s prey. 

“Well well,” Her voice is light and airy, the perfect innocent tone that would lull anyone into a false sense of security. “If it isn’t my replacement.” 

Beside you, Alex huffs and you can practically hear her roll her eyes. 

“Replacement?” You tilt your head to the side, studying her as if she’s a strange creature that’s crossed your path. You’ve dealt with mean girls before and have this act down pretty good, even if you have to fake it with the way your heart rate has jumped sky high since you saw her. “Honey, there was nothing to replace. You and Lando were never anything other than a desperate attempt to drum up some positive PR for the both of you, nothing more.” 

To your surprise, Allegra smirks like a cat with a mouse in its jaws. “Then why did he invite me to Saudi Arabia a few weeks ago?” 

You blink, caught off guard at her question. You’d heard through the grapevine that she had been spotted skulking around the circuit and in the city but nothing had surfaced proving that she had been at the race. Had Lando invited her? Your previous confidence in his sincerity waned for just a brief moment as you thought back to yesterday and how you felt like something had been off. Had you trusted Lando too quickly? 

And then Alex spoke up. 

“That’s a bunch of bullshit and you know it, Allie.” Allegra’s eyes flare in anger at the nickname you knew she reserved for Lando alone. “I was at the race all weekend and I didn’t see you at all. Not a single hint of that cheap perfume you’re wearing, and let me tell you, I can smell that shit from a mile away.” 

You blink in surprise at your friend. If there was one thing Alex was, it was quiet. Once you got her alone, she was downright chatty but out in the paddock with the public? She was quite reserved. 

“Just because you didn’t see me doesn’t mean I wasn’t in his hotel room all weekend.” 

Now it was your turn to laugh, the doubt that had been clutching at your heart for the last few moments dissipating as quickly as it had come. “I was on FaceTime with him pretty much any time he was in his room, Allie.” 

“It’s Allegra.” She hisses. 

“What are you even doing here?” Hannah asks, taking a sip of her coffee before flicking her gaze away from the blonde as if she was bored out of her mind. “Did you not see Lando’s interview with Crofty yesterday? Their posts right after?” 

“I know a PR relationship when I see one.” She sniffs but you can tell you’ve unnerved her. Allegra hadn’t totally thought this through. Either that or she was just dumb enough to think that she could have the upper hand here still. 

“Of course you do!” You laugh, swirling the ice around in your coffee. “You spent the last year pretending to date someone who barely tolerated you.” 

As Allegra sputters, searching for a response, your phone begins to ring. “Hi baby.” You say, glaring directly at woman opposite you who has turned bright red in the last few moments. “Yeah, of course, we’ll be right there. We’re just finishing up with a fan. Of course I’ll say hi for you. See you soon!” 

You swear you see steam coming out of Allegra’s ears as you glance over at Hannah and Alex next to you. “Lando got out of his engineering meeting early and apparently feels the need for a pre-practice kiss.” You turn back to Allegra, smirk on your face. “Athletes and their superstitions, am I right?” 

Before Allegra has a chance to respond, you spin on your heel and walk away, leaving her standing in a deserted part of the paddock alone. 

When you’re out of earshot of her, Hannah speaks up, her voice wary. “Should we tell Lando she’s here? Maybe McLaren PR? I don’t think that’s going to be the last time we hear from her this weekend.” 

You shake your head, “Not right now. Lando doesn’t need any distractions. He was pretty anxious this morning about the sprint and I don’t want anything to take his focus away from that. I’ll tell him tonight.” 

The darkened hotel room was a stark contrast to the frantic energy of the Miami paddock that you had spent your day in. The air conditioning hummed softly, a cool, artificial breeze that did little to dissipate the residual heat that was clinging tightly to your skin. Outside, the city throbbed with the sounds of Miami on a Friday night. It felt as though everyone was out enjoying everything that the city had to offer, but in the hotel room that you shared with Lando? The suffocating silence that hung in the air was almost too much to handle. 

Sprint qualifying had been a complete disaster, a series of unfortunate events that included a deleted push lap in SQ3 and getting stuck in dirty air behind George on his second attempt. The difficulties had resulted in a disappointing P7 start for tomorrow, further advancing Lando’s distaste for sprint weekends. He’d carried that frustration back to the hotel, the tension radiating off of him in palpable waves as he laid on the bed in just his boxers. Even with you wrapped around him, his normal playful demeanor was replaced by a dark, brooding intensity. 

You weren’t feeling much better though, to be honest. Seeing Allegra earlier in the day had really spooked you. Lando hadn’t made any indication that he knew she was here this weekend and you still fully believed that he hadn’t invited her to the Saudi race but there was something so unsettling about her presence here. Like she had expected to be welcomed back into Lando’s orbit with open arms. Like you didn’t even exist to her. It felt disrespectful and unnerving to have her in town, even if you felt secure in your relationship with your boyfriend. 

The silence stretched, thick and uncomfortable, broken only by the soft rusty of the sheets as you tracked idle patterns on Lando’s skin with your fingertips. Your boyfriend’s love language was touch and even if he was silent and broody now, you knew that having you here, legs tangled with his, fingers running up and down his tanned skin, was good for his mood. The warmth radiating off of his body felt charged though, almost volatile and you knew Lando was busy battling his own demons, replaying the day’s events over and over in his head, trying to figure out where he went wrong and how he could blame himself even further. 

You also knew you had to tell him about what happened earlier. If he found out from anyone other than you, it would be a disaster. The unspoken tension in the room was becoming unbearable but you knew you needed to tell him, no matter how bad his reaction was. 

Finally, you decide to break the silence. 

“I need to tell you something and I don’t think you’re going to take it very well.” You murmur, shifting so you’re on your side, propped up by your elbow. 

Lando turns to you then, eyes dark and stormy. This was shit timing and you both knew it but you had to get it out in the open. “What’s wrong? What happened?” 

The thought of another shitty thing happening today nearly sends Lando into a tailspin. The way you were talking had him thinking worst case scenario. With the way this weekend was going, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was you had to tell him. 

“Allegra is here.” You say, the words hanging in the air like a fragile confession, the weight of them settling between you two. 

Lando’s body stiffens ever so slightly but you notice it immediately, the sudden surge of tension rolling through his body telling you everything you need to know. He turns his head to meet your gaze and you’re struck by how dark and guarded his eyes are. Your normally goofy, playful boyfriend is nowhere to be seen. Unable to resist, you lift your hand to card your fingers through his still shower-damp curls, a move you know calms him and soothes out the rough edges of his anxiety. 

“What? How do you know?” He asks, his voice so low you almost miss the question.

“When Hannah and I went to Ferrari this afternoon we ran into her in the paddock.” 

“Babe, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He asks, frustration sneaking its way into his voice. 

Biting your lip, you second guess your decision to keep this from him until now. Knowing how shit qualifying had been though, it only takes a moment before you’re firm in your belief that you did the right thing. “I didn’t want you to be distracted. I know how are when you get inside your head and I didn’t want her to ruin this weekend for you.” 

Which is exactly what was happening. 

Lando turns away from you then, limbs untangling from yours. Your skin is instantly chilled after losing his body heat and you have to restrain yourself from moving to follow him across the bed. Lando may be a pretty physical person but you knew how to read his body language well enough to know exactly what he was feeling. Everything that he was communicating to you with the way his shoulders were set, his jaw tight, eyes unfocused on the dark ceiling above him told you that he needed space. 

“Fuck.” He whispers, scrubbing his hands over his face, the slight stubble starting to make its way back on his face after not shaving this morning. 

“Don’t be mad at me.” You plead, unable to keep the anxiety out of your tone. 

Lando rolls back over towards you, eyes soft with regret. “I’m not mad.” He assures you, reaching out to pull you closer to him. You practically sigh in relief when he slots his thigh between your legs, hitching your top leg over his hip. He drags a finger down your jaw as he pastes a smile on his face, one that you know is for your benefit only. You can still see the pain and regret in his eyes as he holds your gaze and you know he’s thinking about how Allegra nearly ruined everything that he had with you. 

“I’m not mad at you.” He repeats himself, more for your benefit than his own. “I know why you did it and I appreciate it. I’m just so fucking frustrated that she’s here. It’s just another reminder of…everything that I’d rather put solidly in the past.” He pulls you closer, nose nuzzling into the crook of your neck where he mouths at the skin there. “I don’t like thinking about how close I was to losing you.”  

Dragging a single finger up and down the toned line of his bicep, you can’t help the smile that finds its way onto your lips when Lando visible shudders at your touch. “But you didn’t in the end and that’s what matters the most, isn’t it?” You murmur, lips finding his in the dim room. Pressing your hips into his, you try to remind him that you’re real, you’re here and you’re not going anywhere. You couldn’t bare to lose him any more than Lando could bare to lose you. 

“It’s just such a mess. A mess I know you don’t want to be brought into. You’ve worked so hard for the reputation you have and here I come, threatening everything you’ve built because I allowed myself to get talked into a fake relationship with a woman I can’t stand.” 

You pull back to Lando’s forced to look at you fully. The anguish you see on his face sends a sharp shock of pain cutting across your chest so brightly it steals the breath from your lungs. “I want you to listen to me, okay?” You wait, staring pointedly at Lando until he nods his head in agreement. “She can come and try to ruin what I’ve built, what we’ve built together these last few months but she’s not going to succeed. You have proof of what she was to you and that was nothing more than a PR thing. Sure, it might be embarrassing for that shit to get made public but we’ll get through it.” You pause to lean forward, pressing your lips to his. “Together.” You murmur against Lando’s mouth. 

Lando pulls you closer to him, deepening the kiss but its you that runs your tongue along the seam of his mouth, a silent ask for him to open for you, which he does immediately. The warmth that floods your blood has you rolling your hips into his, desperate for more friction. You know Lando is in a mood and you’d do anything to smooth out the rough edges of his troubled mind.

 “Please don’t give her one more thought tonight, okay? We’ll figure this out but right now, I want to make sure you feel better. Can I do that? Can I make you feel good?” You murmur against his heated skin as you drag your mouth away from his lips, down his jaw, towards the thick column of his neck. 

You take the moan that rumbles through Lando’s chest as permission to do exactly what you’ve just asked. Usually it’s him taking charge when you two are together like this but tonight there’s something different crackling in the air. You can tell he needs to be taken care of, the combined stress of a tough day and then Allegra’s appearance in the paddock is weight heavy on his shoulders. With a gentle push of his shoulders, you roll your boyfriend onto his back before dragging a heated line down his neck towards the hollow of his throat. 

Lando tangles his fingers in your hair, gently guiding you further down his body. You work slowly, teasing and nipping your way down his chest, stopping briefly to flick your tongue across one nipple. When he gasps at the way your teeth graze the sensitive skin there, you can’t help the grin that finds its way onto your face. 

“Fuck, baby.” Lando breathes as you continue to move your mouth further down his body. The way you feel against his heated skin has the tension melting out of his muscles so quickly he barely has time to wrap his mind around how quickly the energy shifted between you. The way you always wanted to make sure he was taken care of, that he was okay, was something he’d never experienced before and he was certain that he’d do anything to make sure you never doubted his feelings for you ever again. 

You reached the waistband of his boxers, the soft fabric a stark contrast to the heat radiating from his skin. With a slow, deliberate movement, you pushed them down, revealing how hard Lando already was for you. His breath hitched, a low groan escaping his lips as he lifted his hips slightly, a silent plea for you take him in the way he desperately needed you to. 

Your hands graze the thick corded muscles of his thighs as you finally take him in your mouth, the taste of him, salty and musky and familiar to you now, filling your senses. You moved slowly at first, teasing the sensitive tip with your tongue, eliciting a series of soft moans from deep within his chest. You ran your tongue up along the underside of his length, tracing the vein that runs up the underside of his cock. 

“God, that mouth.” Lando moans as he gathers your hair together in a makeshift ponytail to give him something tug on. He knows how much you like that, when he guides you to the places that give him the most pleasure with a rough tug of your hair. It has you squeezing your thighs together, which you barely ignore, wanting to remain solely focused on Lando and his pleasure tonight. 

You begin to move with more urgency, your hand gripping at his thigh, eyes flicking up to look at him through wet lashes. Lando’s moans grow louder, his free hand reaching down to twine his fingers with your hand, giving it a squeeze to let you know how much he’s enjoying this. He’s lost in the sensation of being surrounded by your wet, warm mouth, the tension that had gripped him all day finally melting away. The way you took all of him without hesitation, whimpering when his hips force his dick deeper towards the back of your throat grounds him, reminding him that he’s got someone to share the good and the bad now, that he’s not alone and you’re in this thing together. 

The way he reacts to the way you take him has heat pulsing between your legs. Unable to keep your fingers to yourself anymore, you let go of Lando’s hand before trailing your fingers down between your legs. It’s not enough to really distract you, but the pressure from your fingers against your clit is enough to dull the aching need that you know you’re going to need to deal with later. 

Lando bucks his hips against your mouth, his moans turning to ragged gasps as you take him even deeper. The way you swallow against him has a desperate whine spilling from his lips in a way that sends zaps of electricity straight to where your fingers are currently working over your wet pussy. He was so close, you could feel it in the way his thighs were tensing beneath the hand that gripped at his taut flesh. 

“Gonna swallow all my cum baby? I’m so fucking close. I want you to swallow every drop of me, can you do that for me?” 

You’re too preoccupied to give him a proper answer, not wanting to let go of the heavy length of him that sits so solidly in your mouth so you just nod, hoping that its enough for him. It’s so grounding, so erotic the way you feel him twitching away in your mouth that you’re pretty sure you could spent the rest of the night with him in your mouth like this. 

And then he’s there, right on the edge of release and you’re flicking your tongue against the sensitive head of his cock and with one last guttural moan, Lando spills into your mouth. The warm, salty cum slides down your throat as you hold him steady, allowing him to fuck up into your mouth as he crests over the waves of pleasure that you brought him to. 

Lando’s eyes, still glazed over with pleasure, find yours as he reaches out to trace the curve of your cheek, his touch gentle, almost reverent. “Holy fuck, baby. Thank you” He croaks out, voice raspy as the exhaustion of the day settles over him. He’s soft and pliant like this and you continue to hold him in your mouth, waiting until he’s fully come down to release him with a soft pop. 

He pulls you up his body, his lips finally finding yours in a slow, tender kiss that says more than he could ever find the words. His mouth works yours over, the taste of his own release still on your lips. “You’re too good to me.” He murmurs against your lips as he tucks you against his side. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll repay the favor, okay?” 

You hum, eyes drifting shut as the warmth of Lando’s body sinks deeper into your muscles. “It’s okay, this is enough for me right now. Go to sleep for a bit and we can take a shower later tonight, okay?” 

“What did I do to deserve you?” Lando wonders before his eyes flutter shut and he allows a deliciously satisfying sleep to pull him under. 

tag list: @shelbyteller, @martygraciesversion381, @samantha-chicago, @stelena-klayley @dark-night-sky-99 @luckylampzonkland, @aykxz98 @forensicheart @cheer-bear-go-vroom @lieutenantchaos @willowsnook @linnygirl09 @meglouise00 @mixedstyles @secret-agents-stole-my-bunnies @mrosales16 @charlesgirl16 @leclercdream @daemyratwst @dramaticpiratellamas @mochimommy2002 @llando4norris @iamaunknownsecret @maxivstappen @imlonelydontsendhelp @nina-or-anna-or-nora @a1leexxa @littlegrapejuice @sunflowervol18 @freyathehuntress @finn-dot-com @swiftie-4-lifes-stuff @chirasama @lauralarsen @dr3wstarkey @saskiaalonso @rbv3rstappen @ilovechickenwings @guaaafiiburg @mcmuppet @mindless-rock @piastri-fvx @mel164 @schumi-angel @myescapefromthislife @supertrashbread @sunny44 @tinystudentblaze-stuff @sarx164 @xoxomansee

[leconcombrerit]

This thing had been rotting in my files for a year (minus three weeks but that's basically a year). It was a redraw of one of my first ever pieces for this fandom, and I still find it quite okay if a little stiff in places, so I thought I might as well share it since I don't draw that much anymore.

And then I had second thoughts, which obviously led to me posting it anyway, as you can see, but I realized I've almost made it a point not to draw anything related to Sasi anymore. As in at all. I can't, and I don't want to, and even sharing old art feels a bit 'meh'. It's too directly linked to my long going art block.

What I mean by that is that if I took all the followers I have out there and asked them what they know me or initially followed me for, you might have a fair amount of Lis 2 and the occasional Desert Bluffs afficionados, but you'd get an overwhelming majority of Sanders Sides. Sanders Sides fashion posts even. I was by no means famous for it or anything, but at my small artist scale, it was the biggest success I had.

And it makes it much harder to go back to it at all now. One, because I don't give a damn about the show anymore. Two, because I haven't been properly obsessing over anything in a while (there was a series early this year but given the actual emotional distress I get thinking about it I'm ruling it out). I haven't had real engagement from my own brain, nor real engagement from a broad audience -which makes sense, I'm not posting for anything that will reach a broad audience. But it takes its toll regardless.

Even when I finally finished writing a long fic, I couldn't help but feel 'all this for what ? Ten people or so and two hundreds have dropped it ?'. Which is a bad way to think about stuff you write for your own enjoyment but, you know, the brain gets happy with external validation even if you pretend really hard you don't care.

And so it feels tempting to go back to the golden goose just the time to get the creative juice pumping back, and I try, and I always end up frustrated and angry and feeling even less like making art that before. I'm not having fun with Sasi. Like an old friend you have nothing to say to and yet you have so much to say otherwise, so you get a bit frustrated, you know ? Not sure I'm making much sense, but that's how it feels. I want to have something like that again, but it won't be with Sanders Sides, and I somehow just want if off my radar.

It was left hanging, then lost its spark, and then I stopped caring altogether and I most likely won't even watch the finale when it does come out. I'm over it. I wish I wasn't though, because it does feel like the artistic spark won't come back all on its own this time, and the buzzing community made it so much easier to bounce back and do shit when your brain got wired all wrong.

It sounds like I'm just bawling after love and likes and stuff, and I guess that's part of it, in a way ? Like I'm in no place to do things for myself, and seeing the one thing I used to use to get back in the flow giving me a bored sense of dread doesn't feel too great.

Yet this drawing is still good ! I find it good ! I don't remember everything, but I can tell from the looks of it that I spent a while on it ! It's nice ! I should celebrate that. So I'm sharing it. I think it will be the last piece of Sasi I ever share, though. I'm not watching the finale when it comes out. I don't care about it. I'll just keep doodling my OCs and characters from cool books every once in a while. I'll write little things.

I just really, really need to stop trying to go back to it when it's clearly not working and not even for good reasons. It was a fun ride though ! So yeah. Basically. A whole ass rant for a one year old piece of art. I'm in my bi-annual depresso mood, nothing too surprising there.

[randomasfuk]

Absolute Insanity

Jason Todd

I was tagged in a fic rec post and it gave me motivation to write another but I didn’t have a clue what to write so I shit you not I looked up fic ideas on Pinterest and going ware the wind blows me on this one so if it’s shit blame the wind and people saying I make good fics bc have an unhealthy need for external validation.

Jason was, without a doubt, a dramatic fool and a complete lunatic. Despite loving Bruce to death though he’d never admit it, he lived for spiting the man as much as humanly possible. And now, he had come to you with one of his ridiculous schemes, teetering on the edge of outright begging for your help.

Well, no—he had actually come over to eat your entire kitchen, play Mario Kart, and talk shit. A shared pastime of yours, and one that was never boring. Whether it was him burning a pizza that you then had to resuscitate while he watched in awe, or the two of you trash-talking each other within an inch of your lives, there was never a dull moment. Even your deeper conversations—deep for Jason, anyway—had their own rhythm. You could talk about your opinions, your thoughts, your experiences, and he’d do the same. But when it came to his past, that was where he struggled.

Not you, though. You trusted him enough to tell him everything, and he listened—not with pity, never pity—but with a quiet, obvious sympathy that you deeply appreciated. If you were drinking, those conversations sometimes led to him squeezing your hand, and occasionally, a hug that lasted a little too long. Not that you minded. His embrace was intoxicating, and though he’d never admit it, he didn’t want to let go either. But he only got that affectionate when he was drunker than he’d ever usually allow himself to get, so it was a rare comfort, one you weren’t often graced with.

You probably knew more about Jason’s past and how he truly felt than most people ever would. And you never judged him—no matter how twisted his thoughts could get, you understood. After all, who were you to judge, given your own past and the darkness you carried? Jason never judged you either. He wasn’t good with feelings, but the way he looked at you told you everything: nothing but sympathy, and maybe anger—but never at you. No, that anger was reserved for the people who had hurt you. Primarily your father.

What you didn’t notice in his eyes, however, was the adoration hidden beneath the surface. And the ridiculous request he was making now only made it harder to see.

Jason had technically made up with Bruce—to a degree—but he was still far from happy with him. So, naturally, his next course of action was to irritate him in every possible way. And this, apparently, was step one.

He was lounging on your couch, while you stood in front of him, arms crossed, thoroughly unimpressed by whatever big idea he was trying to sell you on.

“It’s just for one weekend.”

“Would you just do me this one favor?”

As if you hadn’t put your ass on the line for him more times than you could count.

And then came the part that actually hurt. His grand plan—the brilliant scheme that was supposed to drive Bruce insane—was pretending to be your boyfriend.

Of course, it wasn’t just that. His entire strategy was to get under Bruce’s skin with small, calculated irritations that would eat away at him slowly—things Bruce wouldn’t be able to call out because, A) it wasn’t technically his place, and B) it wouldn’t be worth risking his semi-functional relationship with Jason. And step one? Inviting you along on a weekend trip with the family, where Jason would introduce you as his girlfriend.

And you knew why he picked you.

Because you were a freak, even by Bat standards.

Ex-rogue. Daughter of the Joker. Topped off with your weird style and bad reputation.

You knew that wasn’t what he meant, but that’s how it felt.

You knew Bruce hated you, but that wasn’t what stung. What hurt was the implication that Jason saw you that way, too. That he still thought of you as the freaky, villainous mess you used to be. That all your effort to change had been for nothing. That no matter what you did, it would never be enough. And worse than all of that—he was ashamed of you. That any real relationship between you would be a joke.

Which sucked, by the way, because you’d been in love with him for ages.

Since his Robin days.

Back then, you were The Mime, always running instead of fighting when he chased you through Gotham. While Batman fought your father, you did everything you could to avoid getting caught up in his atrocities. Not that it mattered—nobody ever asked what you actually wanted. Nobody ever cared that all you wanted was to get as far away from your fucked-up father as possible.

And when Joker had Jason locked up, you were the one who snuck in. You tended to his wounds in secret, gave him water, sometimes leftover food—whatever scraps you could take unnoticed.

You never spoke much, just pressed your fingers to your lips and whispered apologies as you worked.

“I’m sorry. I’d let you go if I could, but he’d kill me… plus, I’m sure Batman will be here soon.”

You really thought he would.

And you blamed yourself for what happened next.

Maybe that was why you always went to such ridiculous lengths for the absolute twat sitting in front of you now.

And maybe that was why, despite your better judgment, you agreed.

Okay, sure, it took him almost an hour of borderline begging and offering to cover your rent, bills, and food for a month—but still, you gave in. If anyone else had asked, you wouldn’t have hesitated. But this was Jason. And your feelings for him made it complicated.

You didn’t trust yourself not to fall completely.

On the other hand, you’d be staying in a gorgeous cabin for free, getting front-row seats to the most insane reality TV show ever. Maybe you’d finally get over him. Maybe he’d fall for you (unlikely, but hey, miracles happen). Either way, you were going to abuse the shit out of his wallet.

“I can’t believe I’m basically paying you to be my freaky girlfriend,” he said, smirking. “Do me a favor and act like an even bigger weirdo—really make B-man’s skin crawl.”

Insulting each other was practically your love language, and normally, you wouldn’t think twice about a comment like that. But this time, it stung.

Because now you knew—this wasn’t just banter. This was him, actually seeing you as a freak.

A circus act.

And you knew you were being ridiculous. You knew Jason valued you, that he saw you as a close friend. That, in his own way, he loved you—platonically, of course. But still. It hurt.

“Do you want to do this or not?” you snapped.

“Yes, ma’am,” he grinned, completely oblivious to your feelings.

“Before we do anything, we need ground rules.”

Jason raised an eyebrow, waiting. When you didn’t continue, he prompted, “Well?”

You thought for a moment. “Okay—no kissing. Any PDA should be kept to a minimum and only in front of your family. We go back to normal when nobody’s around. And absolutely, under no circumstances—no, no, NO kissing. Got it?”

He nodded, watching you closely. “Anything you wanna add?”

He considered. “No ridiculous pet names. None of that ‘sugar plum’ shit.”

You blinked, confused. Jason knew you weren’t the type for pet names—especially extravagant ones. “Didn’t plan on it.”

He tried to hide his smirk. “Good.”

Sighing, you flopped onto the couch. “This is insane, you know that, right?”

“What else am I supposed to do?” he shot back, sharper than intended.

“have you tried being honest?” You knew he hadn’t tried being honest with Bruce. And he knew it, too.

He didn’t know how to go about explaining his big, complicated emotions to Bruce, of all people—the most emotionally stunted, unstable, and, quite frankly, emotionally ignorant person who should not be considered clinically insane. Although you doubt he had been checked.

“Okay, so I’ll pick you up at nine o’clock on Friday. They know my girlfriend is coming with, but they don’t know it’s you.” He was getting ready to leave.

“Okay, see you then.” You knew there was no point in pressing him on the matter; you knew it wouldn’t get either of you anywhere because you know him inside out.

But what you forget is that it’s because he lets you know him; he lets you see the deepest, darkest parts of him—things, feelings nobody else sees or understands—because he trusts you, values you, respects you, and, God, he loves you.

[deityoftherain]

sleepy snuggle struggle - skizzpulse oneshot

https://archiveofourown.org/works/63751594

Rating: Gen

Relationship: M/M

Archive Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Status: Completed Oneshot

Word Count: 1,503

Summary: Skizz is a hot sleeper, and every once in a while, Skizz wakes up sweating in the middle of the night because the server is experiencing the summer heat and Impulse is glued to them like he's trying to hibernate in the dead of winter. Curse his code for making him run so hot because his husband is just so stinking cute, he could never deny him his well-deserved sleepy snuggles.

Little happy fluffy skizzpulse gift for @v1neyy <33

Full oneshot is included under the cut for your convince, so please kudos/like, comment, and/or reblog so I get some of that sweet sweet external validation >:D

One thing no one told Skizz about having a netherborn husband before they got together or even became best friends was the juxtaposition of a netherborn’s sleeping tendencies.

The two laid together in their shared bed, Impulse’s arms wrapped around Skizz’s torso with his face buried against Skizz’s left pec. Their legs were intertwined, so much so that Skizz barely knew which were his own and which were Impulse’s. Granted, he was still half-unconscious for he had just blinked awake, but still! The limbs must have lost some circulation while they slept, and any attempts to move them risked waking Impulse, and obviously he couldn’t have that.

Besides, waking sleeping limbs tended to lead to blood rushing to heat the affected skin while pins and needles attacked his muscles in the most annoyingly agonizing way it could think of. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, to put it lightly, and Skizz would rather walk barefoot in snow. At least his feet go numb when exposed to the frigid Overworld powder.

Impulse had a few layers of fuzzy blankets draped overtop of him to help insulate the heat his body did produce, but he had also insisted on Skizz’s wing wrapping around him too. He had confessed to liking it when he was completely surrounded by Skizz, and, well… who was Skizz to deny his amazing husband of that? 

Plus, Skizz rather enjoyed being able to hold Impulse close with the white feathers if not his arms themselves, even if it meant someone laying down on the occasionally-sensitive feathers. It wasn’t too bad as long as he kept up with preening, and Impulse never let him go more than a week before confronting Skizz’s avoidance and procrastination.

See, Dipple-Dop’s preferred sleeping environment wouldn’t be too bad if he were a typical Player, but Skizz had always run on the warmer side when it came to his internal temperature. This meant that he didn’t get as cold as his mortal counterparts and his code wasn’t as developed in terms of natural regulation for it hadn’t needed to when he was up in the Heavens. 

While his friends of Overworld origin bundled up in the dead of winter, Skizz would walk around comfortably in shorts and a sleeveless top. When he first fell from the Heavens and gained Player status, it had taken him a bit to get used to the fact that most other beings required external warmth to avoid freezing to death.

Back then, back when Skizz met Impulse, he had assumed that, being from the warmest dimension known to Players, Impulse would be similar to him. Impulse could take a dip into lava with no issue, and, on first glance, anyone would guess that he simply radiated heat. Was it that big of a leap in logic to think he would also run warm? Especially when Tango Top– a blazeborn also from the Nether– was practically a living furnace, especially with the flame on his head?

Apparently so because Skizz had assumed wrong. Crazy, right?

Impulse’s internal temperature was quite cold, his code adapted to accept the constant boiling temperatures of the Nether without consequence to his body. Since he became a Player in his own right, entering the Overworld full-time to join the rest of their friends, the function that had once been an asset became maladapted. Skizz supposed it made more sense why Impulse often opted for more layers than Skizz ever did when they changed their skins to suit whatever server they were messing around with at the time.

The soft hum of a redstone fan’s blades whirling filled the room, accompanied by Impulse’s gentle snores. Most Players couldn’t even hear it, but Skizz’s ears have always worked better than his peers’. Skizz wouldn’t dare complain, though. He quite liked the background noise paired with the little sleepy sounds Impulse made unknowingly.

The fan was directed so its breeze brushed against the bare skin of his face and neck to avoid his fallen angel body from overheating as badly as it once had. That was a rough period of fevers and previously unexplained exhaustion that Skizz would rather forget. Impulse made the redstone device for Skizz far before they were married, as the two had always been a cuddly duo even when they were simply platonic. Gemstone– one of their friends– had always teased them about it, only growing more smug when she was proven right.

Skizz hadn’t meant to confess his discomfort, but Impulse overheard Skizz offhandedly mention the issue to a fellow Player one day, claiming that he hadn’t been sleeping well when they cuddled due to the extra heat Impulse required. Impulse didn’t grow upset or complain about Skizz’s comments to another Player instead of him, and, instead, he went to fix the issue! That moment was one of many that aided in Skizz’s realization that he was lucky to have such a great homie buddy. Skizz more than appreciated the effort and care Impulse infused into the device a lot, understanding that the action was much more than simply the tangible fan itself.

The unfortunate thing was that, even with the fan, he still tended to overheat some nights, especially when the general outside temperature was warmer than usual. The heat would then cause Skizz to wake up with his clothes just a little sticker with sweat than before. Still, he didn’t complain, simply using the half-conscious time in the middle of the night to smile gratefully down at his husband’s sleeping face. Skizz didn’t know where he would be without him. Impulse was the first to help him when he first fell.

Dipple-Dop looked so peaceful as he slept, even with his face squished against Skizz’s chest and a little drool trickling out the corner of his lips. His brown hair was a mess and the curled posture in which he slept was honestly atrocious, but Skizz couldn’t help but find any “fault” of his absolutely endearing.

Skizz gingerly brushed a few stray pieces of hair out of Impulse’s face, not wanting anything to obscure his view until his lover shifted in his sleep again. He bit down on his tongue in an attempt to be quiet, knowing that cooing over his husband may wake him, which isn’t what Skizz wanted. Instead, Skizz redirected the surge of adoration that demanded action within him by leaning toward Impulse to press a chaste kiss against the top of his forehead, a spot just below his hairline and right between his horns.

Impulse squirmed a little when Skizz’s cheek accidentally brushed a horn. He froze, watching Impulse’s face carefully to see if he would open his eyes. Fortunately, he didn’t. Instead, his nose scrunched as if mildly peeved for a moment as he twisted to bury his face against Skizz’s chest again. Impulse muffled a snore against Skizz’s torso, and he couldn’t resist giggling at how cute he was. Void, how Skizz loved him.

A large yawn forced itself out of Skizz’s mouth, leading Skizz to squeeze his eyelids together as he pushed his shoulders backward to stretch his upper back. He smacked his lips together a few times before using his free hand to rub crusties or whatever that gunk was from his eyes. 

During these quiet moments, these little bubbles stuck in time, Skizz would occasionally forget that it was indeed the middle of the night and that he needed rest as much as Impulse did. He couldn’t just stay awake until the sun started to rise peering down at his lover!

Skizz tried not to move too quickly as he reoriented himself, not wanting to risk waking Impulse with him. He even held his breath for maximum efficiency, the thought making him feel better even if it didn’t actually work that way. Skizz allowed his eyelashes to flutter shut for the last time that early morning as he tugged his heat absorbent of a husband closer to his chest. He idly scratched his fingers in Impulse’s hair as he silently commanded his limbs to relax.

Was he a little hotter than he would like to be, hotter than he would be if he were sleeping by himself?

Sure, yeah, of course. 

Would he rather be alone then? 

No way, dude! 

Skizz would much rather sleep beside Impulse any day, even if it meant no actual sleep for him– even if it gave him a fever! Not that that had happened in a very long time–

Cough, anyway– 

Skizz would much rather sleep beside his husband every day than sleep by himself, no matter what the outcome may be.

Impulse’s unconscious form was just as stinking cute as awake Impulse was, and Skizz was never one to pass up an excuse to gaze lovingly at husband nor trace his features with his eyes, if not, his finger. They’d been together for forever, and Skizz was more than content to spend an eternity more by his side, however long that would be for them.

If you got all the way to the end, please consider reblogging this post, kudosing/liking the fic, and commenting on the ao3 fic itself, thank you <333

[rmbunnie]

Another little inconsequential red hood thing and I'll admit that I'm decently biased but it irks me to see the whole "Jason can't shut up about his death/he makes his death everyone else's problem" take really frequently because he simply does not do that enough for it to be a thing in like any actual Red Hood story.

It's a thing you see sometimes in modern annuals/comics with large casts, particularly if a writer doesn't seem super confident with writing all of the characters that they're working with or if he's just a background character in this one, because with comics it's quicker to reduce a character to recognizable landmarks than to try and work out a whole new complex voice if you don't really need to, so it's tire iron, Jane Austen, Joker, and death, and it's all written out in dialogue because every character in a group event can't have their own internal monologue, but like. That's pretty much it. UTRH is the establishing event for Jason Todd post death so of course a lot of it is about his death, although it's arguably about the lack of response to his death more than his death itself, and he certainly makes it Bruce's issue but one beef doesn't make a trend. Plus if his death is anyone's issue beyond his own Bruce and Joker are like the number one guys whose issue it is. He THINKS about his death a ton in Lost Days, but it doesn't really reflect externally on any of his interactions besides with Joker, which again, that's justified and relevant beef. Teen Titans 29 is more about his place in the hero community/feeling like he was an outsider even before the bomb/Tim being the new robin than about his death, and side note, that being counted as an attempt on Tim's life also bugs me. He beat him up and then left of his own volition. That's not an assassination attempt its called a fight, albeit a sneaky and unfair one. But anyways. I can't speak on Battle for the Cowl because i haven't read it, both that and Batman and Robin 2009 don't really compel me, but it's entirely possible that's an outlier to my point seeing as I kinda sorta haven't read it and don't care to lmao. Even New 52 (although HIGHLY unpopular) and Rebirth/Dawn of DC/Whatever we're doing now Red Hood content don't really have him talking to people about it besides the occasional little quips. He might make stances that were developed because of his death other people's problem, like in the Mia Dearden Green Arrow situation with the "getting involved in other people's business" issue, but acting like he makes specifically his death everyone else's problem is ignoring all of the perfectly valid actually canon things he makes other people's problem. Most of the unpleasant traits he brings to the table are a result of his death and the sense of abandonment and betrayal that came with it, but that doesn't mean he's bringing his death into it when he acts unpleasantly any more than he's bringing his birth into it when he shows up in the first place. The consequences do not equal the event. All this to say it's irritating when people say the character is grating because he doesn't stop whining about his death when that kinda just indicates to me that they're working off fanon based on fanon based on kinda mid batman annual.

[artbyblastweave]

hello. I am in the middle of doing My Take on vampires and would appreciate your thoughts on Them in fiction. they don't seem to pop up more than occasionally in superhero media, but also you are pretty widely read & they have noticeable Eras/Tendencies that I can see.

I'm definitely not as much of a vampire guy as I'm a Superhero guy, so all my opinions on vampires should be taken with a grain of salt, and with the knowledge that a lot of this is stuff I've picked up through Osmosis and the occasional lit-review for that one class in college. But here goes-

One of my potentially more controversial takes about Vampires is that I think Vampires (and adjacent creatures like werewolves) are great at capturing the emotional truth of being part of a marginalized group, or sometimes just for being subaltern- the world against you, people make you feel like you're wrong for existing, that you're dangerous, etc.- and this is why they go gangbusters both on this website and in general. But the narrative often faceplants for me if it tries to portray vampires as a literal marginalized group because all of that stuff is often objectively true within the fiction in a way that it isn't true of real-life marginalized groups. It's a souped-up version of the X-men problem, because most of the X-Men aren't obligate cannibals! The result of this is that there have been several times I'm consuming something vampire-related that wants me to primarily sympathize with the vampires, and meanwhile I'm going "geez, that's a rough deal, but I think you all need to be killed on purely utilitarian grounds, sorry."

(I do also get the sense as well, right, that this is inextricably tangled up in the fact that a lot of foundational vampire literature was kind of just taking a lot of the horrible lies people tell about the scapegoat group du jour to justify their oppression and then making a guy of whom these things were objectively true. I get the impression, at a distance, that Dracula demonstrates like fourteen different flavors of "Those Depraved Easterners Are Coming For Our Women," although to truly lock in that Take I'm gonna have to read the thing instead of just absorbing it through Tumblr Osmosis whenever Dracula Daily is running.) There are ways to thread this needle, the big one of which is to just sand down the negative externalities of vampirism. Have them feed on animals or voluntary donors or make the human predation thing an in-universe slanderous fiction to begin with. Have them feed on exclusively on quote-unquote "criminals," if you have the right unexamined assumptions about the validity of the death penalty. Go the Elder Scrolls route, where drinking blood isn't necessary to survive but is necessary to maintain a human appearance, thus ensuring that the most morally conscientious vampires are the ones most likely to be identified as vampires and scapegoated by the angry mob. The issue I sometimes take with this is that the act of implementing a "fix" of any kind can sort of broadcast that you're trying to have your cake and eat it too- that you're cutting away the ideatic core of what makes vampires interesting when divorced from metaphor, taken objectively- that they're living trolley problems. As others have said, if you sand them down too much, what are you getting out of a vampire story that you couldn't get from a Tolkien Elf, or from Batman?

A fictional group which I've never really had this issue with, though, is Zombies, in the Romero tradition. When a work wants to construct Zombies as a primarily sympathetic group, it's much easier for me to get on board with that without feeling like the core Vibe has been compromised. This is because there's actually a fairly recent source text for zombies in the form of Romero's Living Dead films, and a major component of the Living Dead films is how much it sucks without recourse to become a zombie.

I was working on a post once, which I never finished, about how there are like, three-to-four vectors of horror that zombies can embody, which different works play up to different extents. While obviously one of the big straightforward ones is the fear that your entire community starts trying to kill you and eat you one day for basically no reason, a major anxiety on display in the original Living Dead trilogy- Dawn in particular- is that in the face of a weird but manageable problem human society would act as its own condemnation, totally failing to rise to the challenge-the horror is that we would let something as inept as a zombie be dangerous to us! Also present in those films? The horror of the idea that your daily routine is so rote and conformist that you wouldn't need to be sentient to continue to carry it out- that the biggest difference between you and them is that you can occasionally be evil in more interesting and evolved ways. And there's this fear of physically and mental degradation with zombies, which for a host of reasons I find extremely fucking relatable. The sense that your body is falling apart piecemeal, bits of you sloughing off when you turn the wrong way or turn your head too quickly. There's this fog over your thinking. The bone-deep knowledge that you used to be more, and are now fundamentally less capable- that there's just enough of you left to understand something is missing. (Read into my personal circumstances whatever you want from this.) Being a zombie is foundationally, fundamentally gross in a way that being a vampire isn't; when people try to do "sexy zombies" half the joke is the pairing of those two words. There's this horror comic Kieth Giffen did once called Tag which is basically entirely about the horror of being a corpse that could feel it; I think about that comic a lot. Anyway, because so much of the horror of zombism is external to whether they're actually attacking and killing people or not, you can totally sell me on zombies as an unfairly-maligned demographic in a way that's much harder for me to buy with Vampires- dropping the danger they pose to other people allows you to maintain so much more of the core of the thing than it does with Vampires, where it feels much more like you're tip-toeing around the tensions between Wanting To Have Fun and the moral horror inherent to what you're trying to have fun with.

[fkapple]

as a fellow Shane x Emily fan, your drawings make me sooo happy, but I've also have to ask, thoughts on Clint?

yesss there are dozens of us!

sooo Clint. He's an awkward Nice Guy chump for sure, but I don't think he's the malicious incel Emily stalker some of the fandom makes him out to be, or whatever bad faith read of his character people believe.

He's just kind of frustrating I guess- like, he's one of those passive but resentful types who can't quite see inward enough to do the work to be less miserable. His need for external validation is, y'know, valid and human lol, but it impedes his ability to work on his sense of self so he's forever chasing the fantasy of falling in love and having someone else do that for him. But that's why his occasional self aware, deadpan interactions are funny and make me like him lol. I just wanna shake him I guess.

Regarding him in my comic....he's such a non-fixture in Emily's day to day life that it felt unnecessary to have him there? Like, I wasn't gonna go for a love triangle in this lol. It'd be all in his head anyway. To Em, he's a quiet but nice regular she sees every day and that's sorta it. I probably should do a comic from his POV at some point tho......

[bonefarm]

So… we need to talk about the c*w blog because I’ve gotten a metric fuckton of anons about it and I need you guys to know I do not need updates on what that person is doing. I know I’ll post about it occasionally and that’s because it DEEPLY upsets me how many animals have died of preventable causes and how that is being presented as normal. It absolutely is not.

I don’t hate that person, I don’t want them to fail and I do think they have good intentions but part of any situation where you are raising and breeding animals is being realistic about your limitations and motivations. That’s a self interrogation I am intimately familiar with.

Most of you know I let go of my rabbit herd this year and it was because I am in the middle of a lot of personal and professional changes. When I made that choice I was definitely worried that my “rabbit friends” and the people who interacted with me online would drop me like a hot potato. Turns out! Not the case! That external validation was NOT worth the amount of personal turmoil I was going through maintaining them and most of the people I’ve become friends with are still my friends.

Any kind of animal keeping where you become the authority on that animal online, and you rely on that validation, walks a fine line with self harm.

I still have one rabbit and some goats and I am SO much happier and, tbh, more successful being able to give them all my focus rather than just bouncing from crisis to crisis.

Alright yall. That’s enough public vulnerability for me today. Good talk, you left the horse water on. Go team.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Heyyyyy, got a question if you don't mind

I'm aroace. The problem (I think) is that I'm not visibly aroace (can one even be visibly aroace?) and I'm also quite antisocial in general.

It's not that I'm hiding it (I can (I think) casually mention it when relevant) or that I'm in the closet, I just don't really feel the need to change my appearance due to it. If that makes sense

Anyway, now for the (I suppose) controversial bit.

Due to not being "visibly" queer, I don't face (I think at least) the using discrimination (or whatever you call it).

And due to that I sometimes (quite often) don't feel like I'm "actually" queer/aroace.

And yes, I know that it super fucked up to "want" (not the right word, but I'm not English. Just to clarify in case it's not obvious, I do not actual want that) to face the challenges other people do.

Any advice for this?

(extra appreciated if the advice doesn't include going out and/or meeting people, it that's just wishful thinking)

Hey! OK, I hope I don't ruin anyone's day (including yours) or say anything that might be harmful to anyone, as always I'm not gospel and can only speak from my own experience...

...But long story short, honestly, if you don't feel discriminated against, and don't suffer from it on a day to day basis... That's awesome!! And... I feel weird having to say this, but I don't think suffering discrimination should be a requirement for being queer, should it? I mean, that's literally our goal, as queer people, to end discrimination against ourselves, so if this is a demonstration that we're getting closer to that, that's awesome, honestly!

...But yeah. I mean... I hope it's not a stretch to say, but I can imagine there's quite a few queer people out there (not just aroaces) who have had the luck in their life never to be discriminated against, and I hope that continues for them, because... Yeah, that's the goal!

Being queer isn't about that, I don't think. I think first and foremost what defines you as queer is that you deviate from the hetero norm that is viewed as the "default" in society. And I've said that before and I'll say it again, because it might be even harder to actually integrate as an aroace (there's so much external pressure from in and out of the queer community, and yeah, like you said, it's hard to be visible when your orientation revolves around the ABSENCE of something), but you don't have to prove anything to anyone. If you feel you're aroace, then you are. It oughta be that simple most times.

Plus... Not feeling discriminated against at one point in your life sadly doesn't mean that won't happen later down the line. When I discovered myself as aroace as a teen, I didn't really feel my orientation gave me many problems, other than having zero resources at the time to figure out what I was even existed, and being mistaken for gay and facing the occasional homophobia because I didn't date boys. But after a while, after getting into adulthood and being dismissed a couple too many times when I mention my orientation, after the lack of rep getting to me at times (though hey, there IS rep, which I didn't even think I'd see in my lifetime), or after people decide you're old enough to ask you when you're gonna get married too many times for comfort (why do people even do that?), it kinda stuck with me to the point where I wanted to vent in comics. I don't have much to complain about in my life at all! Thankfully the laws in my country or the society I live in can't FORCE me to follow a hetero pattern, so the worst I get is systemic stuff and micro-aggressions, so yeah, I have it good. It's just an itch on a day-to-day. But yeah, made me wanna talk about it sometimes I guess.

But yeah! My bottomline would be: you're in a good situation, from what I understand, and that's great. I hope for you that it lasts. And you shouldn't feel guilty or less valid as an aroace or as a queer person for it. Your experience and your identity are what they are and no one can define your identity but yourself. I know saying "don't feel guilty" or "feel more valid" is easier said than done, but I hope that helps, anyway TwT

[luckyshouse]

your post about did helped me a lot i may or may not be a system but i have some people show up in my head sometimes and ones been around for a while so it means a lot to me and validating as im still very confused about it so thank you

of course! im more than happy that it helped. i speak from experience, i've been diagnosed with severe ptsd since i was twelve, and psychiatrists/therapists have brought up DID in the past, but for years i rejected the idea because i simply just don't line up with the typical presentations of DID. ive never felt like i had more than one person in my body, i've never had obvious or noticable switches, and everything i've ever done, i've always held a "oh yeah that sounds like me i did that" mentality, even if i didn't remember directly doing it. a lot of my DID symptoms are more internal than external, but even when it is internal, my alters do not come to me in the figures of people or even "Characters" most of the time. Just a large rotating wheel of concepts and aesthetics and occasionally kins, but even the kinning part is less about the character and more about the metaconcepts of the character and the tropes.

we live in a society in america that encourages people to bisect their identity even without DID, and i think that has contributed a lot to peoples experiences as well. even if you get all the help you can for PTSD, or feel like your trauma isn't that bad, the way society is set up to encourage you to splinter your identity and keep them seperate. that mixed with trauma is absolutely how you end up developing DID, and i think it's something thats left out of DID conversations all the time. another thing i think isn't spoken about enough is that DID is never the same as someone elses, and is primarily based on your preferred forms of escapism while you were a developing child. i believe the idea of DID having multiple people in one body may actually come from the older sorts of systems that existed before the internet, and before larger forms of escapism became common. with the internet, i feel like that's broadened the way people could develop DID as well, since it's easier than ever to get into rp spaces, or make ocs, or pretend to be different people, or distance yourself from your body. i know people whos alters genuinely do not come to them as characters, they embody themselves as a large processing machine and their "alters" are different apps they run on the computer for different tasks. when i was told about their experience, it sort of clicked for me, that this isn't a disorder about having "more people" in your brain, but an organizational system for your trauma and reactions/beliefs. it will always and forever be based off of how you existed as a child, and it never will fall under the rules of what people will try to tell you.

i think a lot of "syscourse" on tumblr has lead to a really terrible awful idea of what DID is and how someone can experience it, and has convinced people that they need to seek out "fake" systems. but even if a system WAS faking, they are still undeniably a person with PTSD and identity issues, and i don't see why assuming they are fake would help anyone in that situation. they still need help, they still need to cope, and they'd likely still benefit from plurality spaces. people see it as a very black and white issue, when in reality its like no system will ever be the same as the other, none of them will communicate the same, none of them will ever experience the same exact things, and this is because dissociative systems literally are based off of the persons family and life dynamics. no one lives the same life twice. there for no system exists the same twice.

i hope you have a good day! and i hope the ppl that show up in your head have a good one too

[multiplicity-positivity]

Do you have resources for ppl with severe aphantasia to make a headspace/communicate when we have no internal voice? I have P-DID we're pretty sure because I've basically always been stuck in front since I've formed, but we've never had internal communication and sometimes other altera front or like kinda feels like they "join" or "merge" with me a bit and I really want to see if it's possible to do that

So sorry, but we don’t have many resources or advice on creating a headspace with aphantasia. We like to recommend the blog @aphantasicheadspace for folks with aphantasia who are looking for headspace-building tips, guides, and experiences.

As far as communication goes, though, it may be useful for y’all to attempt external communication as much as possible. We’ve touched on this in our post on establishing contact with headmates (<- hyperlink). For our system at least, we had to communicate externally a lot in order to help build and bolster internal communication. We still have parts who communicate externally, because that’s their only way of being heard and acknowledged as we’re still seriously struggling with dissociative barriers.

Even though you haven’t been able to successfully communicate internally, it may be good to just keep trying every once in a while. Definitely don’t stress or overwhelm yourself/ves, but if you have the energy for it, reaching out to your alters occasionally could be really beneficial for your system. You’re still attempting to make those connections and practicing a new skill, even if you don’t hear back from anyone else! And just because you don’t hear or feel other alters doesn’t necessarily mean that they can’t hear/feel you. So sending positive vibes or emotions their way (it doesn’t have to be images or complete thoughts!) could really help communication improve overall.

We hope that internal communication will come to y’all with time. Remember that all sorts of expression are valid forms of communication - you don’t need to have an internal voice or an active imagination in order to have a method of communication that works for your system. We’re wishing you all the very best with figuring this out!

[welcometoteyvat]

random but have you thought abt gaming and hutao?

funny story anon, when I was writing ga-ming's fake voicelines and needed to give him more characters to talk about, I was considering adding a hu tao voiceline, but decided against it because I didn't really see a reason for them to meet (besides via friends (new liyue 6ang addition?!?!?!)). lowkey I now feel validated bc they don't have any in-game voicelines abt each other, but this would be a very boring ask if it just stopped here lol.

there's something to be said about gaming and hu tao's family baggage vs their cheerful external demeanor vs both doing a job that isn't super well received (?) by people in liyue harbor. but hu tao leans into her eccentricities a lot more while gaming is on the 'likeable by everyone' grind LOL also the dad similarities might increase if we ever get 76th funeral parlor director lore: hu tao's parents have been conspicuously missing forever, where did genshin put them? an interesting possibility would be if the 76th somehow split off from the family trade and subsequently got wiped from the family tree bc of ideological diffs (like ht's beef with baizhu), which could increase gaming and hu tao's possible shared father(?) troubles. but besides that I feel like there's not too much similarity there. They're both enthusiastic outward facing individuals, but idk if they'd have an interesting dynamic if they met.*

Although, you know that voiceline where hu tao does a magic trick and makes a butterfly of fire? and also how she plays with those lion statues outside the ministry of civil affairs? those two things would be straight up gamings alley ngl like he'd be so down for that kind of whimsy and playfulness. also hu tao would be a good candidate for a 2nd lion dance partner. she'd be completely down for doing odd jobs and this is absolutely a fun odd job, at least until she gets tired of it or has to focus on official business lol. idt she's the type to work hard at it; she's just there to try it out because it looked cool but gaming appreciates the enthusiasm regardless. would request to be the lions head in order to lunge at people and also pick greens. also there's potential for a gaming yun jin xingqiu hu tao tea appreciation club

oh also i think smth underrated abt hu tao is how shes like cheery and eccentric but takes her job seriously and has unidentifiable but occasionally present baggage .... which i already mentioned before is similar to how 75% of gm's voicelines are cheery, and then the other 25% is emotional conflict. idk! maybe under the right conditions, they could open up to each other and sympathize

*addendum: imo, hu tao has mostly moved on from her grief over her grandfather's death, and she doesn't have any regrets about the state of their relationship when he passed away, since they were pretty close and never on bad terms. My personal hc is that she still has some things she wished she said, ie. sincere thoughts and feelings from the heart that she usually avoids talking about (she would say "nice speech, but that kind of killed the mood" if someone made one of those anime protag power of friendship monologues). in my head, her grandpa taught her everything about death and funeral customs, played with her/listened to her poetry, pretended to go along w her pranks, and was in general a very loving person, but I don't think hu tao ever explicitly told him "I love you" before he died. she canonically tried to find him right after he passed away but knew that he wouldn't be there. by now i think she's made peace with his death, but still has a certain wistfulness about things she didn't think of saying. and then on the flip side, if ga-ming could see his mom again, he'd probably spend a whole day talking to her i think. he's also not someone to get drunk on grief or regrets, but i don't think he's quite gotten over it completely, and his rocky relationship with his father (before lantern rite 2024) makes this more emotional idk. not sure where I'm going with this, but maybe hu tao would be able to talk him through a bit of this messiness and urge him to simply continue with his own life. or show him that his mother was not at the border, perhaps never lingered there, because she didnt think there was any unfinished business with him or his father that she needed to worry about. the annoying thing about death is that even if the dead person was free of regrets, those who are still living will still miss them. maybe both gaming and hu tao would be able to understand that and/or sympathize with it. or maybe they'd just be silly together who knows, up to you

edit: it'd also be so funny to have gaming call hu tao "boss hu" 胡老板～～～～～～～

[elvenbeard]

4, 14, and 24 for Vince!

Thank you so much for asking!! :D

4. Wild date night out or quiet date night in?

At heart he's an adrenaline junkie, so if there's complete freedom and no external factors speaking against it, he'd always prefer the wild night out over the quiet night in. It doesn't have to be setting a yacht on fire every time, but occasionally he has taken Kerry on little trips to the Badlands or zooming through Night City's streets on his motorbike til the early morning hours. Going out dancing and partying is always a good plan that he's usually down for.

The reason why he prefers the wild nights out is usually because they mean an escape from a life he's often not very happy about. As a teenager he prefers to be anywhere but home, and all jobs he ever had were either "below him" (in his eyes) and boring, or so stressful that he needed a mighty distraction to clear his head and not resort to endlessly thinking things over (or just working 24/7, as he almost does at times while working for Arasaka and as a merc).

Post-2077, with some years passing, the merc and corpo days becoming past memories, as he settles into a slightly quieter life eventually, he realizes he doesn't even need the wild nights out anymore - at least not as often and as much as he used to just to stay sane.

14. What is your muse most likely to notice first about a potential partner?

That really depends on the circumstances of their first meeting. Things that tend to catch his gaze first across a room is how a guy carries himself, walks, gestures and talks. People's body language can say so much about them. If it's more an up-close-and-personal style encounter where Vince is the one being approached, it's usually the other guy's eyes that he first notices, and his voice, or, if he has unusual or bold cyberware, that'll also be something he will first have a closer look at. Not only because maaaybe he has a tiiiny 🤏 bit of a thing for cyberware xD But it's also good to know what you're up against, since Vince himself doesn't have a lot of chrome.

24. Does your muse tend to get jealous when in a relationship? Do they like it when their partner gets jealous over them?

Vince is only very rarely jealous in relationships. As much as he likes his own freedom he thinks his partner should get his own freedoms as well - it’s all a matter of mutual respect and trust to him.

The only thing he gets jealous about sometimes in his relationship with Kerry is due to their busy schedules: that Kerry often gets to spend more time with his manager, studio people, etc etc in comparison to Vince (and since Vince is living on borrowed time when their relationship begins, that realization truly hurts). I guess it’s less a real “someone is stealing my SO from me” kind of jealousy, but more envy and the overall situation making it difficult for them to spend more time together intially.

His partners getting jealous over him is something he’s no fan of at all. When he trusts someone, he is deeply loyal. Betraying friends or a loved one’s trust is one of the worst things to do in his eyes. So, if his partner is overly jealous, to him it feels like he would not trust Vince to not cheat or otherwise be illoyal. And I think Kerry is 🤏just a little bit possessive and jealous now and then (rooted in valid insecurities and experiences Kerry certainly has). Regardless it is one of their smaller recurring arguments. It gets better as time goes on and Kerry realizes he has no reason to be jealous and Vince realizes the jealousy is not from distrust but one too many traumatic losses.

[Romantic Relationship Asks]

[sroloc--elbisivni]

ok FINALLY on desktop! i've decided to be absolutely relentless because i've been bored all day, feel free to pick and choose xD Fanfiction Writing Asks: 8, 13, 17, 28, 40, 76 AO3 Wrapped: 28, 30

aaaaaaand

🌹 one more :P

i'm procrastinating so i will simply do All Of Them

8. Post an out-of-context spoiler from a wip. soundwave is here to insist on a wedding

13. Do you listen to music while you write?  If yes, what have you been listening to recently? yes but my headphones have been broken so recently no :( i will say for carlyfic i listened to 'topeka' by Ludo on loop

17. Do you have a writing routine? not really! i just. write or don't.

28. What area of writing do you want to improve in? consistency and patience. gotta get better about finishing a thing and not needing to post it for immediate validation.

40. What is your favorite world that you’ve created for a fic? OH THIS IS A HARD ONE. man I really did like the Otherworld as depicted in 'Prowl gives away his heart', but mmmm. does mushroomverse count?

76. How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external? i make strategic use of it in order to get anything done and occasionally have to remind myself I Do Not See It when it's having the opposite effect.

AO3 wrapped 28: Favorite work you wrote this year? usually my favorite work is the most recent Done one but I really do and did love writing 'the storm has come again' over in One Piece.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year? new fandoms are always a surprise, but realizing i could just go 'vrrrrrrrr' on mushroomverse and it doesn't have to be perfect and i would still be happy with it has not been at all something I was expecting at the beginning of the year.

and one more WIP line:

‘I know, right?’ Leo sounded as proud as he might have if he’d filled the harbor with water himself.

[yzafre]

Hey I really really liked your tmnt 12/rise post! At first I was like, I don't know about this, but when your actually explained your point I think it made a lot of sense. The series strengths/weaknesses and how it messed with expectations. But I would like to also share if you don't mind, why I think its so frustrating that 12 isn't character focused. The plot in 12 is driven by the characters rather than being something that happens via external forces. 12s plot at its core is about the drama between Yoshi and Saki and how it affects their family. The Kraang kidnapped April's father, space arc kicked off because home planet was destroyed. All very personal. Karai deciding to go after Shredder or April's decision to keep away from the turtles are character decisions that affect the plot. You can absolutely have a plot that isn't so personal to the characters. 03 for example has a less personal main plot, so it makes the relative lack of character development less obvious. The character decision based plot made the character writing all the more apparent imo. (As for Rise I think having a first episode be more plot less character definitely was not helpful, nor was the wacky episode release order, and I think Rise dragging its feet on clarifying the plot included the turtles understanding of the plot, which made it difficult to understand the turtles perspective until it was retroactively filled in).

Hi! I'm so glad you enjoyed my rambling, and even more glad you want to talk about it!

My posts was definitely more focused on pure observation than any kind of judgement on what I think it should/should not have done, but obviously it's going to hit people differently depending on tastes and preferences.

You've definitely got a valid argument for why you would have preferred more character-focused work. I also would have preferred that - but I'm a big fan of character-focused, so I'm very biased. I tend to keep that in mind and try to meet the story where it's at, looking at the type of story it wanted to be (and taking everything it wasn't interested in as creative inspiration for the fandom space).

As for the actual content of your point, I both agree and disagree! That is, I agree with the premise that the set-up (Yoshi and Saki, April and the Kraang) is very personal, which seemed to naturally lend itself to leaning into the characters more. ((I've got several posts in my 'yza talks about a thing' tag that refer to this feeling.))

What I disagree with - sort of - is the statement "the plot in 12 is driven by the characters rather than being something that happens via external forces".

The plot is driven by the Shredder (and very occasionally be Leo).

And I would consider the Shredder an external force.

What I mean to say is, for a lot of the story the turtles - our protagonists - are very reactive. The Kraang are trying to destroy the world, so the turtles need to stop them. The Shredder is trying to kill them, so the turtles need to stop him. That's not really driven by their internal wants or goals. The story... doesn't really care want the turtles actually want? Other than to stay alive. (With another 'except for Leo' caveat.)

There are exceptions! You brought up the space arc, of course, which I think is a mix - the Triceratons just kind of came out of nowhere, you know? Earlier in the story they're actively trying to learn more about the Kraang because they want to help April with her dad, but that goes away half-way through the series. Trying to find/rescue Karai is a recurring internal motivation.

((I have a... very different estimation of how much Karai and April's actions actually affected the plot, so I'll leave that alone. How the writing handled those two would be an Entire Other Post.))

And I think your frustration might actually be the tension between how personal the set-up is on paper, and the lack of investment the turtles (excluding Leo) actually have with it? That it feels like setup that never gets a payoff. I might just be re-phrasing what you were trying to say, at this point.

As for Rise, yeah, I would generally agree with you. The production shenanigans Definitely didn't help. The way the plot drags its feet means it takes a while for things to get personal, which is when a lot of the best episodes start kicking in.

Anyways, maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't - we're kind of getting into opinion/perception territory here! But I love talking about stuff like this either way. Getting different people's perspectives is really interesting.

Thanks for the ask!