#I just have autism and introspect a lot

[officiallygoblin]

I think what often misses the mark for me when consuming art and writing or just conceptualizing g/t media is the base experience/feelings evoked by g/t are very often overlooked/not captured by certain things for me. Like, for example, simply seeing my favorite character but big isn’t always going to hit the mark as would a scenario/scene/concept that captures this certain personal, inner sensory experience almost. Like g/t art that is very evocative is something that I really appreciate and enjoy, like, oh you get it, whether intentional/conscious or not.

I also have autism LOL

[babybsweettea]

im sorry but this reeks of “social cues are bad” rhetoric. its extremely common to convey that youre frustrated with someone through means other than simply saying “im mad at you.” for instance, if someone is making condescending comments at you, an appropriate response could be to sarcastically talk about how obvious the thing they tried to explain to you was. the reason subtly of social cues is important is because it allows for LEVELS of these things, a spectrum. for someone to flat out say “I am mad at you” they are probably like, legitimately pissed. if someone uses other social cues to try and indicate that your behavior is unwanted or obnoxious, they are indicating both a different level of this AND giving you the opportunity to change said behavior before it escalates. “All or nothing” is a horrendous way to look at social interactions

“no one’s ever mad at me unless they tell me so” is the best assumption i’ve ever made

[hiddensanctuarywrites]

Lawrence Oleander Mental Health Analysis/Headcanons

What is going on in this guy's head? He's quite the enigma but I think I have a few diagnoses that might help explain why he is the way he is. These mental disorders are comorbid, meaning they’re all linked together in some way.

Note: I am in no way qualified to actually diagnose anyone, but I have put a lot of research into this. If you disagree with anything that’s cool, these are just what makes the most sense for me.

This is a long one so everything will be under the cut.

Alexithymia: 

This is a secondary diagnosis, coming from autism in Lawrence’s case.  Having alexithymia means he has a hard time intuitively identifying his own emotions and the emotions of others. This is not to say he doesn’t Feel emotions, he does, and often quite intensely, but being able to figure them out enough to describe them or show them when it’s required socially is very difficult for him. It’s also quite difficult for him to self-regulate.

The more anxious or distraught he is, the harder it is for him to identify his feelings. He's pretty disconnected from his own needs and desires as well, so it’s unlikely he will know what he wants at any given moment. All of this is incredibly alienating for him and made worse when he’s pressured into trying to introspect or act accordingly to social cues. Trying to empathize with others is another thing he tends to struggle with due to this condition.

Lawrence doesn’t have a solid sense of self because it’s so hard for him to introspect. He finds it easier to live moment by moment and doesn’t really have aspirations for the future, other than wanting to get away from society as a whole.

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD):

Multiple of his other conditions make him more prone to developing anxiety. This is an intense and pervasive fear, usually having to do with everyday situations. His fears are all centered around other people, or the living to be more specific. He learned as a kid that interacting with others is dangerous and often causes him to get hurt in the process. 

Social anxiety can be very debilitating. Often in social situations the biggest thing on his mind is this sense of panic and the intense desire to get away. It makes it difficult to concentrate on others and what they’re saying, much less how to contribute to a conversation. Even just thinking about talking to others makes him nervous, so it’s easiest for him to cope by trying to avoid people entirely. Seeing how many locks he has on his apartment door is a good indicator of just how pervasive his social anxiety is.

Other symptoms of anxiety include an increased heart rate, sweating, rapid breathing, trembling, nausea, feeling weak and difficulties sleeping. This can get even worse and turn into a meltdown or an anxiety attack if he doesn’t find ways to alleviate his symptoms or leave the situation entirely. His alexithymia makes it a lot harder to figure out any specific reason why he’s feeling anxious so even if he had someone to talk to about this, it’ll be difficult for him to explain what he’s going through.

Panic attacks are another thing he suffers with. They are different from anxiety attacks because they happen suddenly and without warning. Usually his symptoms are depersonalization, derealization, confusion, disorientation, rapid heartbeat, dizziness, numbness, stomach and chest pain. It can take quite a lot out of him when one happens and it takes a while to recover from it.

If he finds someone that he feels like he needs around, he will most certainly develop separation anxiety towards them. He hasn’t had anyone he’s felt close to in so long so it’ll be terrifying thinking about that person having the ability to leave him. This is why he decided to remove all of MC’s limbs in the Lawrence kept you ending. How willing he would be to talk this out and figure out a different way to lower his anxiety will depend on how someone has interacted with him before he develops this particular anxiety.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD-1):

Having this disorder is the underlying cause for pretty much all of his struggles in life and it’s heavily linked to all of his other conditions. While he is level 1 on the spectrum, it’s still very pervasive and made even harder to handle without any support or understanding.

When he was a kid, it was made very apparent to him that he was different from other people. Social interactions are filled with rules and social cues that everyone else around him innately understood, and when he didn’t know what to do or did the wrong things those same people would make him feel bad by chastising or ridiculing him. He’s since learned how to mask by imitating facial expressions, tolerating uncomfortable situations, concealing his special interests, and for the most part dressing appropriately.

Because of his long history of negative social interactions, he feels a great deal of anxiety when he’s forced to interact with others. He doesn’t really feel in control when talking to people unless he’s scripted out what to say ahead of time, and even then it’s pretty nerve-wracking for him. 

There's a lot of things that he's learned to avoid bringing up. Even though he still wants to be able to talk about these things, he often finds it easier and more comfortable to just not say anything at all. He will slowly stop filtering himself the more secure he feels around someone or will forget it altogether if he's hyperfixated on something enough.

Hyperfixation is an intense and prolonged focus on a specific interest or activity. The “moods” he gets into are actually him hyperfixating on something. Usually this is directed at his plants or when he's spending hours googling things on his laptop but as we can tell with MC, he can and will hyperfixate on people as well, or on specific parts of their body. This likely will happen more often towards anyone he's attracted to. Note that it is possible to get him out of this intense focus but if he's set on doing something it will be difficult to change his mind on it.

The things he tends to hyperfixate on usually have to do with a special interest of his. Special interests are long term passions, topics that fascinate the person and bring them joy and fulfillment. Lawrence has a few; plants, herbalism, anatomy, death/decomposition and the river. He knows a lot about each of these topics but has a hard time sharing this info with others. He'll often notice things that others don't when it's related to one of these interests and things that aren't related to them tend to bore him.

Lawrence has a unique way of viewing things. As his brain isn't neurotypical, it makes associations that others might not correlate. He does this a lot, regularly talking in metaphors. This also means that when he finds something funny it's hard for others to understand why he's amused. Conversely, he tends to struggle to get other people's jokes and might need them explained to him. He'll probably need a lot of interpersonal things in general explained to him.

Getting overwhelmed is something that happens to him fairly often but stimming can help him regulate and cope in these situations. It’s hard to decide in what ways he would stim but he likely enjoys listening to music on repeat. Gatobob has mentioned that slow trance and electronic mood music are his go to genres. He also likely paces and squeezes/plays with his hands for stimming.

When he’s unable to calm down or get away from a stressful situation he will react with a meltdown. Meltdowns are completely involuntary and he’s unable to control himself when going through one. For him, behaviors can include withdrawing, shutting down, agitated pacing, getting physically aggressive, yelling, running away, being unable to be reasoned with and having difficulty communicating. Meltdowns can be extremely exhausting for whoever goes through them but there are ways to help minimize the risk of them happening again.

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD): 

This is a condition connected to autism that affects the way the brain processes sensory information. SPD is divided into three categories but I will be treating it as a whole for the sake of brevity.

In Lawrence’s case, he’s under-responsive to touch, taste and smell, and has oversensitive hearing. This is why he can down the hottest of hot sauces or everclear like it’s nothing, doesn’t get bothered by the smell of decomposition, doesn’t notice when his place or he himself smells weird. Being hyposensitive to touch gives him a high pain tolerance and means he isn’t bothered by temperatures that would normally be considered too hot or too cold by others. He likes to wear as little as possible because it makes it easier to actually feel his surroundings. He also seeks out things that are physically stimulating, i.e. touching things like dirt, hair, fur, bones, skin, going barefoot, ect.

When it comes to his hearing, he can get very easily overstimulated. He even monitors the volume of his own voice to avoid triggering himself. This is why he gets upset whenever someone is being loud or making too much noise. For him, too much noise can feel genuinely uncomfortable, and quickly leads to him feeling physically unwell and anxious. 

Things that are alive make so much noise, even just by existing, and that was even more overwhelming for him as a kid. This is why he became so fascinated when he came across roadkill as a child. Something so full of life was now bearable for him to be around. He could finally get close to an animal, something that was usually filled with noise and also ran away on sight, and didn’t feel overstimulated by it. He could see it up close and feel it. It was quiet. It was Safe. This same logic applies to his love for The River. It’s a place devoid of sounds so to him it’s like a sanctuary.

SPD also gives him issues with incorrectly processing sensory information, more specifically, body awareness and muscle sensation. Difficulties with intuitively feeling where his limbs are and what they’re doing makes him fairly clumsy, but more importantly, it takes conscious effort from him to accurately tell how much tension and force is required to interact with something. This leads to his actions often ending up a lot rougher and more aggressive than he means to, especially when he’s under stress. He’s hurt people by accident and he’s killed people by accident. This is why he got his tattoos, to try to disconnect himself from the many times he wasn’t able to control the strength behind his actions.

While he might not be fully aware of it, his job of carrying around heavy boxes is something that is a very grounding activity for people who struggle with body awareness. Working the muscles and pressure/compression are both needed to activate the proprioceptive system. I like to think that Lawrence likes to occasionally go out into nature and bury himself in dirt to get that sense of pressure he needs and would probably enjoy long tight hugs for that same reason.

I put a lot of time, mental energy and research into this post but I think this does a pretty thorough job at explaining the reasoning behind everything he does. Please like and/or share if you did like this!!

[miss-musings]

Analyzing the Allegories in The Bad Batch Episode 3.05 "The Return"

I know a lot of folks out there love analyzing the metaphors and allegories in The Bad Batch Episode 2.09 "The Crossing." (This video has a great breakdown! I highly recommend it.) It really dives into Tech's psyche, his autism (or the Star Wars equivalent of it) and his bond with Omega.

And, as much as I love that episode, I have to admit: I love Episode 3.05 "The Return" even more so for a lot of the same reasons people love "The Crossing." It really dives into Crosshair's psyche, his trauma and his bond with his family (especially Hunter).

Both episodes are so rich and layered, giving us a lot of time for introspection in an otherwise fast-paced, action-packed show.

I'd like to present two allegorical readings for "The Return." While there is some overlap, they ultimately have major contrasts and reinterpret some moments very differently. They ultimately hinge on whether you want to interpret the Wyrm as a good thing or a bad thing.

Thus, you may prefer one over the other, or maybe you'll like both. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments/reblogs!

Author's Note: This will end up being the second part of a much longer analysis I want to write about 3.05 "The Return." But, this second part about the allegories wasn't as time-consuming as I imagine Part 1 about the character beats/analysis will be, so I'm tackling it first. Once I've written Part 1, I'll update this intro section with a link. Cheers!

Allegory #1: The Wyrm is a Good Thing

The one overlapping point between both of these allegorical interpretations is that the Outpost base represents Crosshair, mainly his heart.

Like the Outpost, Crosshair was abandoned by the Empire. He served his purpose and was cast aside, set adrift. Now, he is alone, isolated and purposeless.

Additionally, Crosshair carries Mayday in his heart (which is something TBB composers recently confirmed on Twitter), and the Outpost is home to the last remnant's of Mayday and the other clones -- their helmets.

But while he carries memories of Mayday, Tech and other clones in his heart, he doesn't have anyone actively in his life. Just as the Outpost doesn't have anyone actively stationed there anymore.

Now, under Allegory #1, the snow represents Crosshair's trauma.

Just as the snow has covered the Outpost, Crosshair has been buried in trauma -- from many things, but especially from his experiences in 2.12 "The Outpost" and from his time on Tantiss.

The snow is emblematic of his trauma because the last time he was on Barton IV, he and Mayday are nearly buried in an avalanche and then they have to fight their way back through the snow-covered terrain, in a blizzard. While it isn't actively snowing at the Outpost in 3.05 "The Return," the snow that's covering the base has left it inaccessible.

Arguably, the snow can represent the specific trauma of losing a brother, because Crosshair audibly freaks out when Hunter falls into the crevasse. He's afraid of losing Hunter the same way he lost Mayday. He doesn't want to lose another brother to this planet and its snow.

So, just as the Outpost and Crosshair were both abandoned by the Empire, now they're both buried under the weight of the snow (or what it represents).

Now, enter: The Bad Batch.

Crosshair's family arrive at the Outpost and they take down the perimeter defense at the base. But, under Allegory #1, this is a Good Thing.

Because the Wyrm represents Crosshair's family, love and hope.

You can argue that the Wyrm represents Hunter specifically. They're the only two characters we see in the tunnels, and Crosshair has the remark about "I think I just made it angrier," which applies to both Hunter and the Wyrm at different points in the episode.

You can also argue the Wyrm represents Omega, because it shows up as they're talking about her. Plus, just as the Wyrm ultimately brings Hunter and Crosshair together and forces them to reconcile, so too does Omega. Plus, Hunter's line of "Not alone -- we'll do it together" can apply to facing the Wyrm as much as it does to eventually raising Omega.

But, ultimately, the Wyrm represents Crosshair's family (whether Hunter or Omega specifically) and the love and hope that they bring with them.

In the final shot of the episode, we see that -- even though the snow still covers the Outpost -- we also now see tunnels that the Wyrm created during its attack. They're essentially inlets into and/or outlets out of the Outpost now that weren't there before — a way through the snow.

Now that his family and their love and hope are back in his life, Crosshair has a way out and a way forward in life (or back to his family) that he didn't have before — a way through the trauma. He has their love and support. He has an outlet now.

(P.S. I also just love the idea of his family metaphorically wyrming their way back into his heart. LOL)

Allegory #1 fits better when you put it in the context of 2.12 "The Outpost" and the final scene in 3.05 "The Return."

Crosshair, in a very big character moment for him, takes the initiative and opens up to Hunter.

Crosshair in general, but in this episode specifically, is very closed off. Earlier in the episode, he avoided talking to Hunter, and wasn't forthcoming about his time on Tantiss or his experiences at the Outpost. Part of that is because of his personality, but a lot of it is because of his trauma.

But, at the end of the episode, Crosshair now feels comfortable enough to open up to Hunter. Arguably, he didn't really need to, at least not right then. He and Hunter had reached an equilibrium or understanding after facing the Wyrm together. Whatever anger and resentment they had for each other had dissipated.

Yet Crosshair feels he's ready to and needs to truly reconcile with his brother. Despite everything he's faced, he feels he has an outlet now, and he uses it and basically starts his healing process.

(PS - There’s a great side-by-side comparison of this scene vs. the S1 finale here.)

And, as I said, in the final shot we see the Outpost still covered in snow, but now there are tunnels going into/out of the base. There is now a way out, a way forward.

Allegory #2: The Wyrm is a Bad Thing

Just as in Allegory #1, the Outpost represents Crosshair -- isolated, abandoned and purposeless. But, now we're going to switch gears on what the Bad Batch and the Wyrm represent.

After months of isolation on Tantiss, Crosshair has his guard up. He isn't letting anyone in. He isn't letting anyone save him.

Until Omega.

It's clear from 3.01-3.05 that he has bonded with her in a way he hasn't bonded with anyone since arguably Mayday.

That's because he keeps letting people in, and then failing them and subsequently losing them -- his brothers, especially Tech; then Cody; and then Mayday. It's partly why he pushed Omega away so much on Tantiss. He definitely wanted her to increase her chances of escaping successfully by not risking breaking him out too, but he also didn't want to get emotionally close to her after failing and losing so many other people.

But, thanks to Omega, he escapes Tantiss and reunites with his brothers, and he suggests they go to the Outpost to pull more intel on Tantiss.

Under Allegory #2, by bringing them to Barton IV and the Outpost, Crosshair is inviting them into his heart. And the fact that the group debates whether Omega should go and that it's Omega who ultimately deactivates the sensors is significant.

The Bad Batch, specifically Omega, deactivating the Outpost’s sensors represents how they make Crosshair feel vulnerable again.

Just as the base’s guards were up until they (specifically Omega) deactivated them, so too were Crosshair's guards up until his family (specifically Omega) re-entered his life and his heart.

This is partly why, when Hunter confronts him about betraying their family and then the Empire, Crosshair goes for the proverbial throat by bringing up Hunter's insecurities about failing Omega.

For a combination of reasons, Crosshair is feeling vulnerable for the first time in a long time, and while Hunter had very reasonable concerns and questions, he picked the worst possible moment to confront Crosshair about it.

Enter: the Wyrm.

Under Allegory #2, the Wyrm represents everything that threatens Crosshair and his heart -- whether that's external threats like the Empire or Tantiss, or internal threats like his fear and trauma.

After Crosshair comes face-to-face with the Wyrm, his initial response is to confront it alone. He likely feels guilty for endangering his family by bringing them to the Outpost, and doesn't want to risk failing and subsequently losing them the way he lost Mayday and others.

However, Hunter and the others emphasize that Crosshair can't and shouldn't face the Wyrm alone -- that they have to do it together.

Hunter also says: "Then let's get to it, before it tears this place apart." Crosshair and his family have to work together to protect the base, the same way they have to work together to protect him.

Allegory #2 fits better in the larger context of Season 3, specifically everything that happens after this episode.

Crosshair insists on facing CX-2 alone in 3.07 "Extraction" and would've died if Howzer and the others hadn't saved him. He is alone in 3.11 "Point of No Return" when he misses the shot to track Omega's ship. And he feels like, because of his failures, he needs to spare Hunter and Wrecker by infiltrating Tantiss alone in 3.15 "The Cavalry Has Arrived."

But, just as the Bad Batch work together to restore the Outpost's defenses and protect it from the Wyrm, Crosshair is best protected when he is with his family -- when they are working together.

With prompting from Hunter, Omega helps Crosshair to start facing his physical and emotional trauma in 3.08 "Bad Territory." His brothers refuse to let him infiltrate Tantiss alone in 3.15 "The Cavalry Has Arrived," and after they get captured, Echo and Omega work to break them out. And, when faced with an impossible shot to save Omega from Hemlock, Crosshair makes it thanks to Hunter's support and Omega's faith in him.

These are situations he wouldn't have been able to navigate alone, just as he wouldn't have been able to face the Wyrm and protect the Outpost alone. Heck, even Batcher helps Crosshair find and save Hunter after he falls into the tunnel. He probably couldn’t have done that by himself.

Crosshair needed his family to support and protect him from both his external and internal threats, just as they protected the Outpost.

So, in the final shot of 3.05 "The Return," we see the ship flying away from the Outpost. The Wyrm's tunnels are visible in the snow -- reminiscent of scars or wounds -- but the Outpost is still standing, still protected.

Analyzing the Title, Final Thoughts

I honestly can't decide which allegory I like better. I think they can both be powerful ways to interpret and 'read' the episode. Let me know if you have any additional insights or opinions.

As I said, I really love how emotionally poignant and significant this episode is. Just like 2.09 "The Crossing" was about Tech and Omega's bond, 3.05 "The Return" is definitely about Crosshair's bond with Hunter specifically, but his family in general.

Like Jennalysis says in The Crossing allegory analysis, I also enjoy thinking of all the things a TBB episode title can refer to. The Return has a lot of options:

Crosshair's return to Barton IV, obviously

Omega's return to Pabu, and her return to Hunter and Wrecker

Echo's return to the Bad Batch family, even if temporarily

Under Allegory 1: Hope returning to Crosshair's life and heart, as Hunter alludes to in the final line: "And who knows? There just might be hope for us yet."

Under Allegory 2: Crosshair's physical and emotional return to his family; or said another way, allowing his family to return to his heart

There might be more but that's all I have for now. As I said, this will end up being Part 2 of a much larger analysis on the episode. I plan to write Part 1, which will break down Hunter and Crosshair's character beats and some other fun details, in the coming days.

Stay tuned! :)

[gotham-adrenaline]

The Importance of Abnormalities

Author note: Really pushing my autism/alexithymia on Tim this time but I cannot be contained- not beta read to even heavily proofread cause it is past 1am...

Pairing: Tim Drake x Kon-El/Conner Kent

Word Count: 1300

Warnings: nothing really though Tim thinks a lot about feeling "different" than the rest of the world (very hinting towards autism)

Look, Tim wasn’t stupid. It would be impossible by now to be unaware of his own… eccentricities.

Not many people stalked and then blackmailed their way into a family of vigilantes to essentially babysit a grown man running around every night in a bat costume. He was completely aware he was a bit outside the norm.

But most days it was easy to forget that everyone around him didn’t function like he did. Life was busy, he was busy, and his family wasn’t exactly known for self-analysis and being introspective of their feelings.

Today was not most days.

It started firmly in “most days” territory, with a nap before breakfast and Damian accusing him of trying to “lure Titus into a life of debauchery” when Tim attempted to slip the dog some bacon on his way down the cave. He had only just opened up a file when, immediately, as if it had sensed Tim trying to be productive, his phone began to ring.

Kon calling to ask for a bit of help with a stealth mission was not an everyday occurrence, but Tim pushing down the swell of warmth in his chest absolutely was a regularity (Kon called him, Kon could have contacted so many people but he chose Tim to help, trusts Tim even after everything Tim’s done-), so Tim could ignore the disruption to his routine and suit up so Kon could come get him.

The mission went well, really well actually, which could be considered odd with their track record but by the time Tim and Kon had finished, he was tired enough to disregard that and let Kon fly to the nearest safe house for them to crash in for the night.

The safe house only having one bed was somewhat standard too, and yet that’s where everything seemed to get weird.

Kon showered first and was already curled up in the bed by the time Tim slipped out of the bathroom, hair wet enough it would be a nightmare to fix tomorrow if he went to sleep now… but that was a future Tim problem. Present Tim was busy very pointedly not looking at how adorable Kon looked buried under the covers (he always bundles himself up even though he can’t get cold, just his eyes and hair peeking out and it makes Tim's chest a bit too tight). So he grabs himself a blanket and gets ready to curl up in an armchair to sleep for at least 10 hours when Kon, voice soft in a way to Tim can only describe as “safe”, breaks Tim’s worldview like it’s nothing.

“Hurry up and get in bed, it’s cold.”

And that is not how this usually goes.

Stranger yet is that Kon doesn’t get cold, and Kon knows that Tim knows that, which means that Kon is concerned about Tim getting cold, wants Tim curled up in bed with him and oh god his heart is racing, there is no way Kon hasn’t noticed-

Kon shuffled a bit around behind him and Tim turned before he could stop himself, taking in the sight of the clone sitting up partially and blinking at Tim like he’s the one being strange here when once he’s being completely normal.

“Tim,” Kon has this little smile like Tim is the one being cute and maybe a little ridiculous when he most definitely was not- “Come on, seriously, I’m tired.”

And when Tim didn’t move, Kon’s smile slipped away, and no no that was not allowed-

“I- if you’re okay with that, obviously. Don’t wanna freak you out.”

And oh, it was way too late for that, but Kon looked nervous and Tim could fix that. He was sliding under the blankets before his brain realized his body moved.

Kon settled back down onto the bed and stared at him in a way that made Tim wonder if he’d learned mind reading recently, or worse if Tim’s thoughts were written all over his face, if his heart rate gave away how much he wanted to curl up as close to Kon as he could and not move until he was physically forced away-

And maybe somehow Kon had known (or maybe Kon wanted it as bad as Tim had) because he reached out slowly, giving Tim enough time to move away before pulling Tim into his chest and that was all the permission Tim needed.

Pushing his face into the curve of Kon’s neck, Tim went completely slack in Kon’s arms. The clone gently rubbed his hand on Tim’s back, and god Tim’s muscles must’ve disintegrated or something, Tim is a detective so he should really look into that- and yet Batman could walk into this room right now with an assault rifle and stripper boots and he probably wouldn’t even twitch.

“All good?” Kon is using that safe voice again, which sounds even nicer up close, his chest rumbling under Tim’s hands.

And Tim knows he’s different, okay? He knows, because he spends most of his days neutral to most of life and apathetic at worst. Sometimes he just can’t connect to things in the way everyone else seems to so simply, can’t summon the emotions the world wields as easily as breathing. He has to monitor his face to make sure he doesn’t ruin a new Wayne Enterprises contract or scare a victim on a crime scene.

He feels emotions, he’s still human, but it’s hard enough to know what he’s feeling and even harder to make sure everyone else can identify the emotion correctly when his facial expressions don’t ever seem to display them naturally.

But this? This is easy. Loving Kon was so natural to him that it sometimes hurt.

There hadn’t been any second-guessing in years, not since he first identified the feeling pushing at his rib cage in a desperate bid to get out, and that love had only grown, a hungry creature that Kon often unknowingly fed.

People always make love seem so gentle and Tim could relate to that too, sometimes. When it feels like laying in the sun in the backyard of the manor or taking a warm shower after a good workout.

But so often, Tim’s love was just so… forceful.

He had nearly destroyed himself in his attempts to satisfy his parents, stalked Batman and Robin for years and threw away what was left of his childhood to save his city and Batman himself (because he was too late to save Robin and he knew he could have done more-), put himself into harm's way time and time again for his friends, searched the whole globe and manipulated the League of Assaains to find Bruce-

And he’d never want to make Kon uncomfortable, to scare him, but sometimes he felt as if he’d crack the whole planet open if Kon truly needed him to. Would take the very air out of his lungs if Kon needed the oxygen.

When Tim loved, he loved hard.

Tim knew he wasn’t normal. He just couldn’t find himself to care if it meant loving Kon like this.

And since Kon asked and now that he’s thinking about it, he was all good right now. Tim sighed into Kon’s neck sleepily.

“Yeah.”

Kon’s arm around his back tightened. It felt like a shield from the rest of the world and he let out a breath that felt far too controlled, something that Tim would read more into if he had any brain space left for anything other than being warm and safe and happy and-

“Good.”

And that was the last thing Tim heard before drifting off to sleep.

[doctorpandorica]

So Fanfiction, Deadpool and Wolverine, and Logan, made have a fucking epiphany about my mental health. Seeing it sky rocket at the box office, gives me hope that A, I am not alone and B, the world can be a better place. And I have to say, I really do believe both Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman deserve the world.

For the first time in my life yesterday, I looked at myself and thought I look pretty. The FUCKING kicker is I did again this morning and I felt the same way. Maybe just a baby step, but it's a step in the right fucking direction mother fuckers. But, How did I get here (Yes, I'm pulling this shit on you).....

I have horrendous fear of endings and I finally learned....or accepted it's because it's symptomatic of my misery. Things like desperation, depression and anxiety can trick you into the allure of mistaking familiarity as comforting, even when it's hurting you. That you are far less that what you are actually and are deserving of far less than you actually do, that the consequences of our choices are proof that our pessimistic view is the whole of reality.

But, it's only half of the truth and that is the majesty of realism, seeing the glass is both half full and half empty. The best understanding of Pessimism, Optimism and realism can be explained in a quote by William Arthur Ward. Where the three are stuck out at sea on a sail boat,

"The Pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."

To make the best choices in life you need to see every possibility and my heart goes out to those that are so blinded by pessimism, hope seems like fairy tale. I mean it's hard enough even if you can see things are possible but, it's still a bitch of an up road battle.

Which brings me to one of the most devastating ones in my life, the death of my dad. I always wondered how someone who seemed so sure of himself, could understand my pain so well. In hindsight I knew he had very hard life, it shouldn't have surprised me that he not only had crippling OCD, Anxiety but, depressions that at times reached suicidal ideations.

I was more my father's daughter than I realized, and took those fucking movie, to really appreciate what that meant.

Don't blindly accept things, ask questions.

If I had, I would've realized it's not that I don't care what others think, I'm really fucking depressed. And that's why I don't put effort in what I wear, or personal hygiene or wear make up. Never assume to know who you are, that's part of the majesty of life, that not knowing.

You never truly fail, until you give up.

For more clarity , I would like to add, some words of wisdom from a beloved science teacher,

"If at first you don't succeed, find out why"

Treat people fairly, across the board "Give people a chance"

To be sparingly coupled with, both

Trust your gut

This requires a lot of hard work, with self regulation and introspection. I've found DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy to be very helpful. Which I must add the following because, I was wrongfully diagnosed with Autism (feeds into the dangers of acceptance). My therapist who diagnosed me ironically introduced to me the saving grace that is DBT. But, told me it wouldn't help me because I am autistic which she came to the conclusion based on ...

Flat Effect

Only developed when I hit puberty, the same time I developed depression and anxiety. People don't develop autism later on in their life, they are born with it.

Black and white thinking

If anything I think this is the problem with society and for anyone to say this about me, has obviously never heard me talk about anything. I found this utterly insulting

Anger prone

Repressed emotions and didn't start happening until 20's

Lack of Eye contact

I get really nervous around meeting new people, particularly if they stand really close to me for some fucking reason.  Once I get to know people I have no problem looking them in the eye.

Lack of Socialization

Low self-esteem brought on by my Depression

Social Anxiety and general Anxiety (fear of doing something wrong)

I actually do have a desire to socialize, but mistook relief after social based anxious episodes as me not liking it.

The same was done with someone very close to me, who was told they were Bipolar even though it didn't fit. They chose to trust they 're doctor, and was proven insanely wrong by they're new Doctor who aptly diagnosed them as having Borderline Personality and they are doing so much better.

Anyway I participated in a DBT group for about 16 weeks or so, one of which was diagnosed late in life with a form of autism. And the difference by the end of those weeks only strengthened my faith in DBT.

Don't start anything, but always finish

Don't go looking for a fight but, stand up for yourself when necessary, emphasis on necessary.

As long as people aren't hurting others or themselves, mind your own business

For some people this can be tricky, especially for those guided by their idealized narratives of the world. Again DBT can help with this in the grand scheme of things.

I mistakenly thought, that because I didn't seem to react how I would expect (bad assumptions) that I was fine. Even though, I was able to acknowledge that I was deeply depressed, which I was able to trace back to age 11, which for clarity was 20 years ago. Which fun fact I only discovered in my senior year of high school, followed by my anxiety a year later my first year of college. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE !!! EVEN IF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!!! HAPPYNESS MAY NOT BE A CHOICE BUT THE PATH TO IT IS!!!

More In-depth analysis of how Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds and Marvel factor into follow in follow up post. Because This post is too damn long, already. Thank you to those who read it all the way through , I wish you contentment.

[bogkeep]

this is very vulnerable of me but i have been doing some Introspection and i think. i identify as a furry agnostic. as in, i believe in their beliefs, i respect the community a lot, but i don't find myself particularly More drawn to anthropomorphic animals than humans - it's about the same for me. i don't seek it out specifically but i am welcoming what comes my way. from what i understand it's also just a very large spectrum with a lot of grey zones and overlap with other communities (such as otherkin, i would assume??). i especially feel like on the weirdo side of the internet (affectionate, familial) it's been more and more common/accepted to explore non-human identities and aesthetics even among non-furries, and it makes the lines between softer and softer. like, i can just Have a fursona without being branded a capital f Furry, because whomst among us doesn't enjoy assigning ourselves an Creature as a little treat for funsies. i don't need to make this post! it's chill! i'm probably in the exact same space as lots and lots of other people and there's nothing special about it! but also i Do need to make this post because i used to be so worried about being misidentified as something i was not, mostly for ocd/autism reasons but Probably Also stigma and shame reasons. and i don't want to be restricted by that.

[sheepieautism]

hi i struggle a lot with organising my thoughts and writing about my autism like introspection and i don’t like typing but i want to make a post today so i am typing.

i want to talk about what it means to me to be medium support needs. i am going to try to use specific words, because words like hygiene confuse me because they are ambiguous.

i am trying to cover big things and small things so that everyone understands my experiences. i will also talk about symptoms of autism and not just things i need help with.

this is very long so feel free to bookmark it or something if you want to reread it later.

mentions of physical abuse and suicidality below but no descriptions of these.

showering

showering is difficult for me because i don’t like doing it. i understand that for most people, in order for me to go outside i need to shower, but i don’t like it. i don’t see it as important to do and i don’t like showering.

i know how to shower but i do not like doing it. so most days i have to be heavily verbally prompted to go shower.

i don’t like alarms or reminders for this because i have demand avoidance and so i need someone to be there and to encourage me obliquely to shower. as in, they cannot say, go shower, but they can say that we are going outside or leaving the house and then i will shower.

i also do not like showering because something is currently causing my heart rate to increase a lot when i stand for some time, or raise my hands in the shower, and i sweat when i finish showering, even when i use only mildly warm water, turn on the bathroom fan and put on the fan in my room and the air conditioner. still i sweat. so showering does but make me feel cleaner and so i don’t like to do it.

lastly i have sensory issues with showering. it is difficult to feel the need to shower because i don’t like the dry skin after showering. body lotion helps but it takes energy to apply lotion so i don’t like to.

i have a routine after i shower which is using some hair grease, combing my hair (i have cropped 4c hair), using roll on deodorant then spray deodorant, then putting on pawpaw lip balm. and then if i am going out i will use a body spray and a perfume because i like to smell like nice things. if i don’t follow this routine i will not be happy all day.

brushing my teeth

i don’t like it when my breath smells or i have plaque but i can only brush when i shower. i also only brush once a day. this is my routine and i cannot upset it.

keeping my room tidy

i don’t like to keep my room tidy or fold my clothes. i often forget that i am meant to put my clothes in the closet. but i also get very stressed and anxious when my room is too messy. my mum helps me tidy my room sometimes. sometimes if i put music on in my headphones it helps me be able to tidy up.

i have lots of toys and items and i like them all but they are visually overstimulating. so sometimes i don’t like them. but i stay in my room most of the time because there is no humming or whining of electricity and it is very quiet.

i do not usually vacuum or wash my sheets because i forget. i know that my sheets need to be cleaned but i never remember to do it. the thought that ‘my sheets are dirty’ does not make me think ‘so i should clean them’. and so i don’t. my mother helps me take them off, wash them and dry them. and then put them back on. i sleep on a bare mattress for up to two months sometimes if she doesn’t have time.

getting dressed

i am good at getting dressed and i know what i like to wear. sometimes i forget the weather so i dress too warm for the weather and i overheat. usually i wear something loose and comfortable for my body because i don’t like tight clothes. i don’t like shorts but i like mid calf length skirts and dresses and i like trousers.

eating

i am good at eating breakfast. i have the same breakfasts most mornings, which is an omelette with nothing added, on a piece of wholemeal toast and peanut butter. i drink one juice box of apple juice too. i sometimes don’t eat lunch if my siblings are at school because i forget to eat and then i get really hungry later. i have to be told to have lunch and told where it is, because i will not make it.

i have nausea problems after eating so i usually lie down after that because it takes my mind off of the nausea.

i can cook food like spaghetti and hokkien noodles but i don’t do it unless i feel a sudden urge to, as i have bad demand avoidance and executive dysfunction problems i think. so my mother cooks most times and reminds me to eat.

i am a picky eater based on the look and perceived texture of the food. for example when i was 9, i was travelling on a 13 hour international flight and i refused to eat anything except for dinner rolls and chocolate bars. now i can sometimes eat plane food but usually only the meat because i don’t like vegetables.

i eat with my headphones on because i can get very angry when people eat near me. i also usually watch something while eating which helps to regulate my auditory seeking brain.

drinking

i don’t like drinking water and usually forget to drink water until i am very thirsty.

using the toilet

i can use the toilet safely but don’t know when my bladder is getting to be full so i have near misses sometimes.

walking

i am able to transport myself around my home.

supervision

i usually can stay at home alone without supervision because i just go on my phone. however if somebody comes to the house looking for my parents i cannot help them and i don’t know how to talk to strangers who knock everywhere. so i don’t answer.

it can be risky for me to be at home alone for a few reasons. firstly, i can have suicidal urges so can sometimes do something bad to myself when i am alone and can’t talk and understand how i feel.

secondly, i don’t know what to do in an emergency so i would be in danger if something bad happened. this has happened when i set fire to a piece of paper and dropped it on my bedroom carpet. now there is a burn mark on my carpet and my desk.

i also can be impulsive and get myself injured. i have cut myself kind of badly when i was trying to do a craft and wasn’t being safe. and for example, i look both ways when crossing the road, but don’t know how to judge if a car will hit me, and have almost gotten hit in traffic a lot. this is because i can’t read car body language.

money managing

i am able to use my money that i get from centrelink (disability support pension) as i need. i spend it on toys and dolls, ubers because i don’t like taking more than one direct bus and doctor appointments. i also buy clothes and stationery for myself. my medication and food is covered by my parents.

every fortnight when i receive money from the government i send it to my mother to store in a second bank account for me, because i can be very impulsive with money. so if i want to buy something i usually have to explain to her what it is which helps me sometimes to not buy things impulsively. this doesn’t always help because sometimes i don’t transfer it to her but i am trying to do better.

i do not do any grocery shopping because i don’t know what the essentials are and i don’t like loud places and cold places and so i get very dysregulated.

transport

i do not drive because i get sleepy while driving and i have very bad intrusive thoughts related to accidents so i haven’t driven in over a year. i also don’t know how to react to stressful situations when driving so i don’t like to drive or i could crash.

i take public transport but can only take buses alone even though we also have trams and trains. this is because i worked on being able to use the bus for two years with an autism trained psychologist so she helped me to understand what everything meant and so now i can use it.

otherwise i need to be driven places. i usually take an uber because my parents usually are not free to drop me and pick me up from appointments.

i don’t walk long distances because i have flat feet and they overpronate which makes walking for more than a few minutes at a time painful.

cleaning

i like cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing our balcony with water, detergent and a broom, cleaning the stove and i give our chickens water and food but i avoid doing anything else because they are overstimulating. i also don’t usually know when the house or yard is dirty or untidy until it is very bad.

i can wash my clothes but i forget to wash them correctly so my mother tells me what settings to use.

i cannot do dishes because i don’t like the sensation of food on my hands and i can’t clear the dishes from the dishwasher because it is too dry and causes me distress.

communicating

i don’t like to call, email or text people and so often do not respond to people for some time. i have a script i use for every phone or email so i use this to help me. but still i don’t usually respond timely, even if i want to. i always have my phone on do not disturb now because i don’t like to see emails or phone calls before i feel able to answer.

i also struggle to think clearly in typing or in talking so i struggle to say things clearly and i have some issues with stuttering so this makes it hard to communicate properly.

medication managing

because of my mental health issues i do not manage my own medications and my mother locks up everyone’s medication in her room. i don’t even know where she hides it.

stimming

i am often talking to myself or humming. i also make noises and rub my feet against each other in bed. i like to play music always and i have specific phrases i like to say. i jog my leg up and down. i am rarely quiet.

in public i sing or hum. i sometimes flap my hands, and i try to even the sensation in my finger tips. i also bounce a bit and this is all why i like to go out by myself because everyone else doesn’t like my music taste.

i like to bite and fiddle with things as well. i don’t like soft things or most fuzzy things because i get overwhelmed with the sensation. my favourite stim toy is chewelry but i often break it quickly because i chew a lot and very hard.

i do not ever make eye contact.

i have other stims but i have forgotten them. also i struggle with auditory processing and other forms of processing things and often can’t understand the words people say or instructions given to me.

special interests

my special interests can fluctuate but i have categories that my special interests always fall into. tactile interests (things that involve my hands, like collecting toys or crafting hobbies) and animals. most other things i just like normally. politics is one of them, but i do not read political theory, i just like to talk about the impact of oppression on me and other oppressed people. while i do collect toys that catch my eye, i do not like to play with them. i organise them on my shelf and then i don’t like to touch them again.

i tend to fixate on characters. right now i am fixated on gregory house and james wilson from house md. i like them a lot and i see myself in them.

i don’t like to have conversations that aren’t about one of my interests.

education

i am good at school when it is just learning to learn in small classes. i do not like applying knowledge and i struggle with it. for example i like to learn about theoretical maths and advanced chemistry concepts.

but i do not do well in university because the schedule is irregular and no one is wearing a uniform and the teacher can’t help me if i get stuck. so i am really struggling in university and have changed university/degree 4 times. i am worried i won’t do well again this year but if i am not at university my parents might say i have to leave their house because they don’t really accept that my autism affects me.

social

i don’t like to make friends or be around people and i struggle to make friends because i struggle with something like prosopagnosia (face blindness) due to aphantasia. i also don’t know how to talk to people, and even though i mask, it is usually very obvious that i am at the very least socially awkward and ‘weird’. i got bullied a lot in primary school and high school because of this and i didn’t know i was being bullied.

i do not usually have meltdowns but i can get intensely suicidal over ‘small’ things, which is basically my version of a meltdown. this is because my parents used to physically discipline me whenever i had a tantrum or meltdown in primary school so i can’t regulate my emotions that way. i rarely cry and get anxious and annoyed when others are emotionally vulnerable with me.

employment

while i have been able to mask well enough to obtain a total of six jobs over the course of five years, my struggle to engage socially and sensory issues has led to me being fired from all six and i developed extreme burnout after each one, to the point of hospitalisation either during the employment or immediately after.

appointments

i need someone to understand each appointment for me apart from the ones related to my disabilities (psychology, occupational therapy, positive behaviour support and speech pathology, most of which i have covered by ndis)

summary

i think i have covered everything i want to. overall i struggle significantly with different areas in life. due to my current needs for taking medication and need to be helped when i leave the house or when i am at home, i require someone else to live in the same house as me to make sure i am safe and stay healthy. this is why i am medium or moderate support needs, and me receiving dsp (disability support pension) and ndis (national disability insurance scheme) means that the government agrees with this. i don’t think i know anything else to say, but i might add it if i think of something.

[just-nebularomantic-things]

So is nebularomantic unable to distinguish or can having a harder time or having a lot of confusion around it fit? Because I think I'm possibly aromantic and nebularomantic because I cannot distinguish what is romantic and what is platonic, but that results in me thinking I don't experience it in the first place because even though I can't distinguish it intuitively, from what people have told me I think that what I feel doesn't fit into romantic attraction. Although to be honest I'm still not completely sure I just don't think I've experienced a crush and that it was actually something like queerplatonic or alterous (or something that just can't be labeled) or hyperfixating on someone due to autism (and possibly adhd but I'm not diagnosed with that.)

(Okay I know I'm rambling, mainly asking because these labels can be so confusing for me to navigate and I'm just trying to clarify something, such as above question and also have you met or spoke anyone who identifies as being both aro and nebularomantic or any resources around that, because I read here that you didn't think it made sense and I am confused because that contradicts with my experience)

Nebularomantic can mean that you are unable to, or have difficulty differentiating between romantic and platonic attraction/love/affection due to any neurodivergency - and it sounds to me that you are experiencing that difficulty!

Sometimes it takes a long time of introspection to find out how you really feel. If at any point you figure out that, maybe you do make a meaningful 'split' between platonic affection and romantic attraction, (as in, you find there is some clear way to tell them apart), then, well, you can keep identifying as nebularomantic, or you could look for a label that make reflect your experiences more. But there's also the chance that, you never do find that distinction, and there's absolutely no shame in that.

Of course, I am not the total dictator over what labels you can call yourself! If you feel both aro and nebularomantic suit you, then go for it! I think a lot of people assume aromanticism is all about, just not experiencing romantic attraction - but I feel like it should be about, of course not experiencing and not needing that, but experiencing what *other people* (who are not aromantic) could consider romantic attraction in atypical or non-traditional ways, like queerplatonic relationships.

I created this blog, truthfully, to find other people who were like me, because I couldn't find much. I do not mind your rambling. It is always good to here about other people's experiences. If something I said contradicts *your* experience, pay it no mind. Your experience and how *you* feel is what's most important.

I hope my answer made enough sense! Thank you!

[weeb-polls-with-pip]

Autistic Anime Girls Group 2 Round 5 Match 2

SUBMISSION PROPAGANDA:

Ahiru -

"She's just like me for real! A lot of Duck's story is about accepting herself for who she really is instead of pretending to be a normal human girl like everyone else, which makes me feel so comfy inside. Also that one person in the notes who said that the magical girl genre has a lot of autistic girlies? So true. She's one of them! I love her so much, she's awkward and genuine and so very lovely and I've been looking up to her since I was a little baby because again… She's just like me for real. Also I feel like this gif makes good propaganda because mood."

Marcille -

"Dungeon Meshi is a manga about autism that just so happens to also have monsters and cooking.

On a surface level, Marcille seems like the most 'normal' one in the main group, she's often playing the straight man role in jokes and objects to their crazier plans. But its all just masking yall. She is a very introspective and anxious person, she spends a lot of time silently worrying about things like mortality and social rules. So whenever she's freaking out about people cooking monsters, she doesn't actually have any personal objections to it, she's just watching people break the rules she has fixated on and is unsure what to do about it. Likewise, she fell in love with her girlfriend after watching her openly being a weirdo who scampers around in the wilderness to look for cool bugs.

And yet, for all of her worrying about fitting in, she never quite manages it. At the wizard school she was seen as a weirdo half-elf who does unusual experiments and gets too excited. Over the course of the manga, she travels in an adventuring party with a few other openly autistic people (and a chronically divorced hobbit), and she slowly opens up to them over time and becomes more okay with the idea of coming across as weird.

A vote for Marcille Donato is a vote for your local weirdo autistic transbian who fails to fit in."

[confessions-official]

i think I might be intersex & idk how to move forward from here

I was assigned & raised female at birth but I have a urogenital sinus & I can't really tell but I think my clit might be larger than usual? I don't think anybody knows that, I've yet to have a doctor look at my genitals and my mom hasn't for years. and I hit puberty relatively early, I think about 8-9? i don't really remember how old I was I just remember I was growing boobs before we moved for the first time & I hit 10 in our second house. I've always had a lot of body hair including on my face, I never like grew a beard or anything but it's still noticeable, but I also wasn't raised being forced to shave- my mom told me I didn't have to but if I wanted to I should come to her so she could teach me, but by that point I had already figured out the whole transmasc thing and I liked my body hair and I didn't want to shave it. So I never really thought about whether or not I had an abnormal amount of body hair because I've literally never shaved anywhere (except my cooch but even then that's hygenic shaving) & anyone I'd be comparing my body hair to would have shaved at some point. also my hormonal cycles are kind of irregular? which I'm only just now noticing because I never thought about it before, it's not like they're super irregular but sometimes they occur way earlier in the month and sometimes way later, I've missed them a few times, I was bleeding for two weeks once? a few times I've had them completely stop & then start back up. I only ever get hormonal acne a day or two after I stop bleeding & my ovulation is NEVER consistent. everyone in my family who menstruates has always said that they can "just feel it" when it's coming on but that could be a hormonal thing or an autism thing I'm not so good at introspection.

idk what to do with this information. do I need to know if I'm intersex? I've never experienced oppression in that way, like I said, born and raised and treated as a cis perisex female my whole life. my biggest worry is if I start testosterone hrt is that going to cause complications if my hormones are all fucky wucky? dawg i do not fucking know

 

[cure-icy-writes]

Okay so. I've been watching the notes on the @pokemischaracterization polls and oh my goodness this is fascinating. A brief summary of trends I've noticed this far:

-ingo and emmet are both in the bracket, but many people say that their characterization is largely fanon and difficult to get wrong. I'm going to argue that you can get it wrong, actually. Because of the ableism. If you write Ingo as someone who likely has an anxiety disorder that masks itself behind his autism symptoms, that's a perfectly reasonable interpretation. If you write him as being a secret zoroark who ate babies and is in a yandere situationship, you may want to re-examine some things.

-nemona, rose, and raihan are all victims of fandom racism. nemona made it to the yandere fandom wiki, and raihan gets similar treatment with people calling him "feral". Chairman Rose is in a much more ambiguous position, as he did in fact do several things wrong! But that just makes it trickier to spot the biases.

-Silver and Lusamine both get the "mischaracterized by their own source material" lament. I haven't gathered enough data on Silver, but Lusamine has canon trying to claim she did nothing wrong in later installments and interpretations, while retaining many of her abusive behaviors in USUM. While pokemon is a multimedia franchise and characterization may vary between adaptations, it does come off like they're trying to walk back on their themes earlier about child abuse.

-Lusamine and Cynthia both seem to get their characterization erased in favor of making them. Hm. Can't say that unless I want to mark the post 18+, but in particular, a lot of fanartists draw them in a way that appeals to a very particular crowd. Lusamine's toxicity is swept under the rug, and Cynthia's kindness and genuine love for the world and her history is dismissed as being unfitting for the particular fantasy that these people want to fulfill.

-Autism coding is something that comes up a LOT. Ingo, Emmet, and N are all a victim of zoroark AUs, a fresh spin on the changeling story that rehashes the same harmful tropes as the original without doing any introspection. In particular, N is infantilized and his character arc of understanding that he has a human heart is erased. which is suspicious because this mischaracterization is a mirror image of ghetsis' abuse. Nemona is viewed by some people as being autistic, hence her overly enthusiastic nature and inability to pick up on social cues. And she's criticized for these same traits.

-Special mention to magma admin Courtney! We're not sure if she's autistic or something else, but she's compared to a robot rather than a zoroark. Diversity loss! Ableism finds a way!

-Cyrus and Volo are character foils, who both wanted to remake the world but have friendship evolutions to show how they're not uncaring or heartless. Fandom seems to be allergic to nuance on them, with Yandere Volo headcanons especially. Volo seems to have it a lot worse, though.

-Red and Blue are somehow mischaracterized? Maybe I'm just not in the right corners of the fandom, but they seemed pretty straightforward to me. Hell, I'm a pretty big fan of Blue's characterization in pokemas, where he's presented as a cocky mentor sort who's largely mellowed out over the years and takes a lot of the newer rival characters under his wing.

-Kamado gets turned into a hate sink. My theory on this is that it's about the way the information about him is presented; he's wary of you to begin with and the banishment comes off as irrational, and then the banishment happens. By the time you learn enough about him to make him feel sympathetic, you're being attacked by a ninja who is likely trying to kill you, and then you have other things to worry about. More information about his backstory is hidden in subtext and minor quest dialogue that you could easily miss.

Anyways! This is just me liking to analyze data and trends. If you have information you'd like to add, feel free!

[or-did-i-project]

Or DID I? A DID-run project diary

Hello, everyone, V here. Howdy and welcome to “Or DID I?” A mental health awareness diary where I talk about my mental health journey as a healing process, as well as to foster understanding about mental health issues.

First I wanted to write a short story about my mental health, I am currently diagnosed with a couple of things I am trying to slowly heal, firstly since childhood I’ve been diagnosed with: Clinical Depression, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), more recently Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). These are all the academic names as per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

I have struggled to achieve a neurotypical development all throughout my life, but little by little I strive to become a better person by trying to sew my holes and patches. 

I want to talk to you about myself a bit. As an introduction; I have a deep passion for medicine, psychology, and technology. I even studied a bit in a biomedical engineering career… before realising it wasn't for me. Now I am starting a psychology degree and I want to share both how my experience around mental health has been shaped by my interest in humanities such as philosophy and psychology, as well as to share knowledge about mental health issues through informative talks.

First I want to talk about my personal experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

This is a heavy topic for myself, as I try to take an academic approach yet I am unable to completely understand it yet.

I recognize that I am but one human being, I possess one brain; for a long time I thought a brain was only capable of having a single internal identity, a single personality. Yet I find that untrue now, I am riddled with all the symptoms, (of course they come from my head, where else would they be coming from dipshit.) I learned of my dissociative amnesia by listening to my friends, I started realising that I didn't remember the thing I had done, that memories were inaccessible, almost like they weren't there. 

I thought intrusive thoughts were just kinda normal, I’ve always been really philosophical so I always reasoned them when they came. 

The impulsivity and emotional changes were more obvious to me. I try to be highly introspective. When I felt suddenly ecstatic, angered, saddened I really did notice, so I always tried to reason the cause. 

I have yet to realise the cause of my affliction, disorder, maybe just abnormality or difference? I have yet to find that huge trauma or changing point where I started to realize the little signs.

Perhaps it was when I first named them, when I first named our Selves… All with the same motif, the letter V, my favourite. They are Vi, Vasco, Viri and The one currently writing this, Vince. I started accepting my fate around the time I ran away one night to smoke, despite having never done so before. I remembered all those times I told my therapist I felt “depersonalized”, “dissociated”, “Like a third person perspective of my own life”.

Now, after thinking a lot about how I can try to be a more stable, friendly, and all around better person to be around. I have a friend who supported me while I took time for myself. I kept investigating the material and I kept developing strategies, coping methods to deal with what I consider to be a complex situation in my own mind. Firstly, I thought about properly separating myself, mentally taking small chunks of what I considered to be; from my studies, dogmas and fallacies of thought. 

I realized a way of maybe regaining control of the situation, being able to command my own thoughts instead of letting them command me, by well, just letting them be, I started letting my personality divide of its own accord and create individual markers for each part, I “sectioned” my own Self. After creating a distinction, I utilized my own thought patterns, the thought patterns that each apparent division of the identity from now referred to as “alters”, had. 

I started to pretend to have these little philosophical debates with my alters, each one had a time to think how to solve the problem and the others debated on that, trying to reach a consensus, middle ground per se. This eventually helped me to create a visual image of my alters discussing in a round table inside my head, which so far has helped unimaginably, of course this is only a mental image, a representation of a series of processes of thought.

I sometimes really do say “Oh shit, I am really insane”, when I realise those thought processes did not occur, as they don't occur naturally, I have to put conscious effort to have that internal dialogue. I will suddenly get a memory of something recent that I had completely forgotten happened, forgetting a whole conversation I had two minutes ago is really weird. Recently, I’ve started dealing with the amnesia too, when I realise that I should remember something, I have managed to create internal dialogues where I try to reason which alter had the “missing” memory, after that I have been able to sometimes recall those memories after doing an internal “switch” with my alter, a process of thought that seems to come naturally to me now, by bringing back certain memories, feelings, attitudes, or thoughts I am able to better personalise my other Selves and somewhat force or take control of that process. 

I always wonder if this was all the reading I DID, I have a statistical analysis and a spreadsheet on it, I really did read a lot, I wonder if I created characters in my head, to deal with the trauma for me, to take the heavy blows so that I could spread them amongst a larger area and endure more, I wonder if it's merely “the survival mechanism of the avid reader”. 

I have taken to writing due to this, just as recently as I started to learn about self love;  I have always written, I have always loved the written word, but only until now, can I finally say that, I love writing.

Enjoy this little diary entry. I am trying to make it into a sort of academic / poetic representation of inner thought, kinda thing. This is one of the ways I am trying to create representation for DID, and, as well, try to become healthier in my own head.

[bite-the-bloody-hand]

6 SONG SOUNDTRACK (Part 1 - DISCO FUNK)

@chaosteddybear tagged me in the following game and the autism won. I decided to make an extra challenge for myself: a themed playlist with 1 'outsider' or anachronistic track that still fits the overall vibe. We begin... with Disco Funk.

PREPARE YOUR BUTTS

Rules: If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following: 1. An event that defines your character's past 2. How your character sees themselves 3. How others view them 4. Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic) 5. A major fight scene 6. End Credits song

Spotify Youtube Music

1. AFRO CUBAN BAND* - Something's Gotta Give -

Dreams have done their share of dying love cries out but no one hears - oh, Something Something's got to give We can't, We can't go on like this

Is it a little on the nose? Sure. But a midnight revelation that he simply couldn't continue his life as it was going put Zell on the road to discovering his own path. He aches for the hurting, broken world he was brought into; he may not have the answer for fixing things, but he has to try something. Even if he's unsure of himself, even if he's convinced of his own fragility, he can fake strength if he can get out. He can't do anything while locked away in a Hellknight compound in Lepistadt, so he goes. And so it goes...

2. ARTIE SHAW - Nightmare - (Instrumental)

The problem with having an unclear sense of purpose and underdeveloped, poor self-esteem is that it can lead one down a path of introspection that keeps one in a spiral. Zell is an outsider when he isn't a rebel, never fitting with any authority and rarely synchronizing with any group; uncomfortable in his own body even when he's done everything he can to feel like himself. He desperately wants to solve the conundrum of connection - even when he's successful he has doubts that haunt him, especially in the lonely hours in the night.

(It's called Depression but they haven't invented therapy in Golarion yet)

Why this is the Anachronistic Outsider - Zell himself is a man out of time... even he doesn't know how old he is or how long he spent in Areelu Vorlesh's "care."

3. DEODATO - Also Sprach Zarathustra (instrumental)

I'm being a little bit of a shit with this; historically the misinterpretation of Nietzsche's Zarathustra have been that the title character is a teacher of doctrine/great leader/himself the 'Übermensch' he urges humanity to become. The actions of someone who wishes not to speak to the masses but instead live his own life of contemplation - and if he ever leads, to do it by example - often get twisted into fanatic parasocialization... if that isn't the life of the Knight Commander I don't know what is. Plus, this is just a bop.

4. EVELYN "CHAMPAGNE" KING - Shame

Ooh-ooh, it's a, oh-oh, it's a shame (Shame) oh-oh, it's a (Shame) mama** just don't understand Oh, how I love my man (shame) It's a, oh, it's a (shame)

Falling for someone when you already don't like yourself a whole lot can be hard, but it's much harder when nobody else likes the someone you love. Sometimes you just have to whip around and be assertive: the real shame would be abandoning what you have. Especially when it's this good.

5. C.J. & CO - Devil's Gun***

Get a new direction Well, well, well another resurrection Well now don't wait hesitate Or it's gonna be too late Flames are getting higher Got to jump out of the fire

I felt this fit as a big combat piece for Azata path especially; deeply anti-authoritarian theme about bringing together the community and avoiding the Devil (literal, figurative, and so on) and rebuilding? Yes please.

6. FRANCO MICALIZZI - Stridulum Theme (Instrumental)****

I wanted to close us out with something that felt a little magical and strange; this is a longtime favorite that really fit the bill.

TAGGING~ @Rlainarin @thedosianexplorer @arendaes I'm pretty sure two of you have already been tagged so feel no obligation, naturally.

*Had to transcribe the lyrics here myself so I'm not 100% sure I got them on the mark. Frustratingly I think this group only did one other track, which was the b-side for Something's Gotta Give. Real bummer, I love what I've found.

**Mama in this context is 100% Irabeth. She does NOT approve of this obviously farcical union. She's watching Arendae like a HAWK .

***YES, OF COURSE I played this during the Mephistopheles fight, who do you think I am?! TBH it was a real close call between this and Stayin' Alive but Devil's Gun won out for thematic reasons.

****I've had this track on Zell's playlist for a long time simply because I love the sound. It's the theme to a truly bizarre 70s Italian horror flick called The Visitor / Stridulum that's worth catching if you're curious. Free on youtube via the link.

[thatadhdmood]

what the fuck . that exact fidget cube in your pfp. i have it. i've had it since i was like 6. my dad bought it for me cause i had just learned about the existence of fidget toys and i was like wow this could benefit me a lot at school. and he didn't know i wanted it for school until after he bought it for me and they said i couldn't take it to school so i didn't and i still have it and it's chilling in one of my boxes and here i am now after facing the horrors and doing a shit ton of introspection and realizing i've just had adhd (and autism) my whole life. and then i see that. how did you do that

Get got.

Ive had this pfp the entire time ive been thatadhdmood for like 5-6 years now.This is the same fidget cube that i ordered from the original fidget cube kickstarter baby. Its the best color one fr!

[wolfintestinez]

— SMALL JANIE FACTS ! 🐞 . . .

• hiiiiii , i’m wanting to share little things about my saw oc janine ! and share art, because i have a whole doc on her that i’m just siphoning info from. still unsure of where to put her canon wise.

⚰️ ‘ she didn’t exactly want to work in the mortuary field, she wanted to be a comic book artist, but her family wasn’t exactly the most supportive / motivating. so, she put herself into a career where she could support herself and be better than the people in her family. she doesn’t hate her job, but she yearns for that creative freedom again.

⚰️ ‘ she is weirdly straight edge, not a drinker nor smoker. she doesn’t mind if others do, she just tends to stick away from it for familiar reasons.

⚰️ ‘ she isn’t unfriendly , but she doesn’t seek out socialization. she has about two friends and those are the people she gravitates towards. she knows others see her as offputting, or they’re cautious because they can’t quite tell what she’s really thinking. she’s introspective and empathetic, but not entirely sympathetic. she is a recluse because she couldn’t care less about masking anymore.

⚰️ ‘ undiagnosed autism. i’m gonna be so for real, i write all my characters to be neurodivergent. i just cannot write a neurotypical character 😭.

⚰️ ‘ she wouldn’t exactly admit it, but she’s a hopeless romantic.

⚰️ ‘ she has nerve damage in her shoulder due to a car accident in her teenage years, she often deals with aches and random numbing / sensitivity spikes and can’t handle a whole lot of heavy lifting sometimes.

⚰️ ‘ her uncle was pretty much the only one to actually support her in her family , he did well to teach her life skills. it’s a reason why she’s good with mechanical things, trust her with your car i PROMISE.

⚰️ ‘ a bisexual freak…. also a big fan of lady bugs and werewolves

that is all, for now :3