#I just have autism and introspect a lot

[officiallygoblin]

I think what often misses the mark for me when consuming art and writing or just conceptualizing g/t media is the base experience/feelings evoked by g/t are very often overlooked/not captured by certain things for me. Like, for example, simply seeing my favorite character but big isn’t always going to hit the mark as would a scenario/scene/concept that captures this certain personal, inner sensory experience almost. Like g/t art that is very evocative is something that I really appreciate and enjoy, like, oh you get it, whether intentional/conscious or not.

I also have autism LOL

[miss-musings]

Analyzing the Allegories in The Bad Batch Episode 3.05 "The Return"

I know a lot of folks out there love analyzing the metaphors and allegories in The Bad Batch Episode 2.09 "The Crossing." (This video has a great breakdown! I highly recommend it.) It really dives into Tech's psyche, his autism (or the Star Wars equivalent of it) and his bond with Omega.

And, as much as I love that episode, I have to admit: I love Episode 3.05 "The Return" even more so for a lot of the same reasons people love "The Crossing." It really dives into Crosshair's psyche, his trauma and his bond with his family (especially Hunter).

Both episodes are so rich and layered, giving us a lot of time for introspection in an otherwise fast-paced, action-packed show.

I'd like to present two allegorical readings for "The Return." While there is some overlap, they ultimately have major contrasts and reinterpret some moments very differently. They ultimately hinge on whether you want to interpret the Wyrm as a good thing or a bad thing.

Thus, you may prefer one over the other, or maybe you'll like both. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments/reblogs!

Author's Note: This will end up being the second part of a much longer analysis I want to write about 3.05 "The Return." But, this second part about the allegories wasn't as time-consuming as I imagine Part 1 about the character beats/analysis will be, so I'm tackling it first. Once I've written Part 1, I'll update this intro section with a link. Cheers!

Allegory #1: The Wyrm is a Good Thing

The one overlapping point between both of these allegorical interpretations is that the Outpost base represents Crosshair, mainly his heart.

Like the Outpost, Crosshair was abandoned by the Empire. He served his purpose and was cast aside, set adrift. Now, he is alone, isolated and purposeless.

Additionally, Crosshair carries Mayday in his heart (which is something TBB composers recently confirmed on Twitter), and the Outpost is home to the last remnant's of Mayday and the other clones -- their helmets.

But while he carries memories of Mayday, Tech and other clones in his heart, he doesn't have anyone actively in his life. Just as the Outpost doesn't have anyone actively stationed there anymore.

Now, under Allegory #1, the snow represents Crosshair's trauma.

Just as the snow has covered the Outpost, Crosshair has been buried in trauma -- from many things, but especially from his experiences in 2.12 "The Outpost" and from his time on Tantiss.

The snow is emblematic of his trauma because the last time he was on Barton IV, he and Mayday are nearly buried in an avalanche and then they have to fight their way back through the snow-covered terrain, in a blizzard. While it isn't actively snowing at the Outpost in 3.05 "The Return," the snow that's covering the base has left it inaccessible.

Arguably, the snow can represent the specific trauma of losing a brother, because Crosshair audibly freaks out when Hunter falls into the crevasse. He's afraid of losing Hunter the same way he lost Mayday. He doesn't want to lose another brother to this planet and its snow.

So, just as the Outpost and Crosshair were both abandoned by the Empire, now they're both buried under the weight of the snow (or what it represents).

Now, enter: The Bad Batch.

Crosshair's family arrive at the Outpost and they take down the perimeter defense at the base. But, under Allegory #1, this is a Good Thing.

Because the Wyrm represents Crosshair's family, love and hope.

You can argue that the Wyrm represents Hunter specifically. They're the only two characters we see in the tunnels, and Crosshair has the remark about "I think I just made it angrier," which applies to both Hunter and the Wyrm at different points in the episode.

You can also argue the Wyrm represents Omega, because it shows up as they're talking about her. Plus, just as the Wyrm ultimately brings Hunter and Crosshair together and forces them to reconcile, so too does Omega. Plus, Hunter's line of "Not alone -- we'll do it together" can apply to facing the Wyrm as much as it does to eventually raising Omega.

But, ultimately, the Wyrm represents Crosshair's family (whether Hunter or Omega specifically) and the love and hope that they bring with them.

In the final shot of the episode, we see that -- even though the snow still covers the Outpost -- we also now see tunnels that the Wyrm created during its attack. They're essentially inlets into and/or outlets out of the Outpost now that weren't there before — a way through the snow.

Now that his family and their love and hope are back in his life, Crosshair has a way out and a way forward in life (or back to his family) that he didn't have before — a way through the trauma. He has their love and support. He has an outlet now.

(P.S. I also just love the idea of his family metaphorically wyrming their way back into his heart. LOL)

Allegory #1 fits better when you put it in the context of 2.12 "The Outpost" and the final scene in 3.05 "The Return."

Crosshair, in a very big character moment for him, takes the initiative and opens up to Hunter.

Crosshair in general, but in this episode specifically, is very closed off. Earlier in the episode, he avoided talking to Hunter, and wasn't forthcoming about his time on Tantiss or his experiences at the Outpost. Part of that is because of his personality, but a lot of it is because of his trauma.

But, at the end of the episode, Crosshair now feels comfortable enough to open up to Hunter. Arguably, he didn't really need to, at least not right then. He and Hunter had reached an equilibrium or understanding after facing the Wyrm together. Whatever anger and resentment they had for each other had dissipated.

Yet Crosshair feels he's ready to and needs to truly reconcile with his brother. Despite everything he's faced, he feels he has an outlet now, and he uses it and basically starts his healing process.

(PS - There’s a great side-by-side comparison of this scene vs. the S1 finale here.)

And, as I said, in the final shot we see the Outpost still covered in snow, but now there are tunnels going into/out of the base. There is now a way out, a way forward.

Allegory #2: The Wyrm is a Bad Thing

Just as in Allegory #1, the Outpost represents Crosshair -- isolated, abandoned and purposeless. But, now we're going to switch gears on what the Bad Batch and the Wyrm represent.

After months of isolation on Tantiss, Crosshair has his guard up. He isn't letting anyone in. He isn't letting anyone save him.

Until Omega.

It's clear from 3.01-3.05 that he has bonded with her in a way he hasn't bonded with anyone since arguably Mayday.

That's because he keeps letting people in, and then failing them and subsequently losing them -- his brothers, especially Tech; then Cody; and then Mayday. It's partly why he pushed Omega away so much on Tantiss. He definitely wanted her to increase her chances of escaping successfully by not risking breaking him out too, but he also didn't want to get emotionally close to her after failing and losing so many other people.

But, thanks to Omega, he escapes Tantiss and reunites with his brothers, and he suggests they go to the Outpost to pull more intel on Tantiss.

Under Allegory #2, by bringing them to Barton IV and the Outpost, Crosshair is inviting them into his heart. And the fact that the group debates whether Omega should go and that it's Omega who ultimately deactivates the sensors is significant.

The Bad Batch, specifically Omega, deactivating the Outpost’s sensors represents how they make Crosshair feel vulnerable again.

Just as the base’s guards were up until they (specifically Omega) deactivated them, so too were Crosshair's guards up until his family (specifically Omega) re-entered his life and his heart.

This is partly why, when Hunter confronts him about betraying their family and then the Empire, Crosshair goes for the proverbial throat by bringing up Hunter's insecurities about failing Omega.

For a combination of reasons, Crosshair is feeling vulnerable for the first time in a long time, and while Hunter had very reasonable concerns and questions, he picked the worst possible moment to confront Crosshair about it.

Enter: the Wyrm.

Under Allegory #2, the Wyrm represents everything that threatens Crosshair and his heart -- whether that's external threats like the Empire or Tantiss, or internal threats like his fear and trauma.

After Crosshair comes face-to-face with the Wyrm, his initial response is to confront it alone. He likely feels guilty for endangering his family by bringing them to the Outpost, and doesn't want to risk failing and subsequently losing them the way he lost Mayday and others.

However, Hunter and the others emphasize that Crosshair can't and shouldn't face the Wyrm alone -- that they have to do it together.

Hunter also says: "Then let's get to it, before it tears this place apart." Crosshair and his family have to work together to protect the base, the same way they have to work together to protect him.

Allegory #2 fits better in the larger context of Season 3, specifically everything that happens after this episode.

Crosshair insists on facing CX-2 alone in 3.07 "Extraction" and would've died if Howzer and the others hadn't saved him. He is alone in 3.11 "Point of No Return" when he misses the shot to track Omega's ship. And he feels like, because of his failures, he needs to spare Hunter and Wrecker by infiltrating Tantiss alone in 3.15 "The Cavalry Has Arrived."

But, just as the Bad Batch work together to restore the Outpost's defenses and protect it from the Wyrm, Crosshair is best protected when he is with his family -- when they are working together.

With prompting from Hunter, Omega helps Crosshair to start facing his physical and emotional trauma in 3.08 "Bad Territory." His brothers refuse to let him infiltrate Tantiss alone in 3.15 "The Cavalry Has Arrived," and after they get captured, Echo and Omega work to break them out. And, when faced with an impossible shot to save Omega from Hemlock, Crosshair makes it thanks to Hunter's support and Omega's faith in him.

These are situations he wouldn't have been able to navigate alone, just as he wouldn't have been able to face the Wyrm and protect the Outpost alone. Heck, even Batcher helps Crosshair find and save Hunter after he falls into the tunnel. He probably couldn’t have done that by himself.

Crosshair needed his family to support and protect him from both his external and internal threats, just as they protected the Outpost.

So, in the final shot of 3.05 "The Return," we see the ship flying away from the Outpost. The Wyrm's tunnels are visible in the snow -- reminiscent of scars or wounds -- but the Outpost is still standing, still protected.

Analyzing the Title, Final Thoughts

I honestly can't decide which allegory I like better. I think they can both be powerful ways to interpret and 'read' the episode. Let me know if you have any additional insights or opinions.

As I said, I really love how emotionally poignant and significant this episode is. Just like 2.09 "The Crossing" was about Tech and Omega's bond, 3.05 "The Return" is definitely about Crosshair's bond with Hunter specifically, but his family in general.

Like Jennalysis says in The Crossing allegory analysis, I also enjoy thinking of all the things a TBB episode title can refer to. The Return has a lot of options:

Crosshair's return to Barton IV, obviously

Omega's return to Pabu, and her return to Hunter and Wrecker

Echo's return to the Bad Batch family, even if temporarily

Under Allegory 1: Hope returning to Crosshair's life and heart, as Hunter alludes to in the final line: "And who knows? There just might be hope for us yet."

Under Allegory 2: Crosshair's physical and emotional return to his family; or said another way, allowing his family to return to his heart

There might be more but that's all I have for now. As I said, this will end up being Part 2 of a much larger analysis on the episode. I plan to write Part 1, which will break down Hunter and Crosshair's character beats and some other fun details, in the coming days.

Stay tuned! :)

[bogkeep]

this is very vulnerable of me but i have been doing some Introspection and i think. i identify as a furry agnostic. as in, i believe in their beliefs, i respect the community a lot, but i don't find myself particularly More drawn to anthropomorphic animals than humans - it's about the same for me. i don't seek it out specifically but i am welcoming what comes my way. from what i understand it's also just a very large spectrum with a lot of grey zones and overlap with other communities (such as otherkin, i would assume??). i especially feel like on the weirdo side of the internet (affectionate, familial) it's been more and more common/accepted to explore non-human identities and aesthetics even among non-furries, and it makes the lines between softer and softer. like, i can just Have a fursona without being branded a capital f Furry, because whomst among us doesn't enjoy assigning ourselves an Creature as a little treat for funsies. i don't need to make this post! it's chill! i'm probably in the exact same space as lots and lots of other people and there's nothing special about it! but also i Do need to make this post because i used to be so worried about being misidentified as something i was not, mostly for ocd/autism reasons but Probably Also stigma and shame reasons. and i don't want to be restricted by that.

[doctorpandorica]

So Fanfiction, Deadpool and Wolverine, and Logan, made have a fucking epiphany about my mental health. Seeing it sky rocket at the box office, gives me hope that A, I am not alone and B, the world can be a better place. And I have to say, I really do believe both Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman deserve the world.

For the first time in my life yesterday, I looked at myself and thought I look pretty. The FUCKING kicker is I did again this morning and I felt the same way. Maybe just a baby step, but it's a step in the right fucking direction mother fuckers. But, How did I get here (Yes, I'm pulling this shit on you).....

I have horrendous fear of endings and I finally learned....or accepted it's because it's symptomatic of my misery. Things like desperation, depression and anxiety can trick you into the allure of mistaking familiarity as comforting, even when it's hurting you. That you are far less that what you are actually and are deserving of far less than you actually do, that the consequences of our choices are proof that our pessimistic view is the whole of reality.

But, it's only half of the truth and that is the majesty of realism, seeing the glass is both half full and half empty. The best understanding of Pessimism, Optimism and realism can be explained in a quote by William Arthur Ward. Where the three are stuck out at sea on a sail boat,

"The Pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."

To make the best choices in life you need to see every possibility and my heart goes out to those that are so blinded by pessimism, hope seems like fairy tale. I mean it's hard enough even if you can see things are possible but, it's still a bitch of an up road battle.

Which brings me to one of the most devastating ones in my life, the death of my dad. I always wondered how someone who seemed so sure of himself, could understand my pain so well. In hindsight I knew he had very hard life, it shouldn't have surprised me that he not only had crippling OCD, Anxiety but, depressions that at times reached suicidal ideations.

I was more my father's daughter than I realized, and took those fucking movie, to really appreciate what that meant.

Don't blindly accept things, ask questions.

If I had, I would've realized it's not that I don't care what others think, I'm really fucking depressed. And that's why I don't put effort in what I wear, or personal hygiene or wear make up. Never assume to know who you are, that's part of the majesty of life, that not knowing.

You never truly fail, until you give up.

For more clarity , I would like to add, some words of wisdom from a beloved science teacher,

"If at first you don't succeed, find out why"

Treat people fairly, across the board "Give people a chance"

To be sparingly coupled with, both

Trust your gut

This requires a lot of hard work, with self regulation and introspection. I've found DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy to be very helpful. Which I must add the following because, I was wrongfully diagnosed with Autism (feeds into the dangers of acceptance). My therapist who diagnosed me ironically introduced to me the saving grace that is DBT. But, told me it wouldn't help me because I am autistic which she came to the conclusion based on ...

Flat Effect

Only developed when I hit puberty, the same time I developed depression and anxiety. People don't develop autism later on in their life, they are born with it.

Black and white thinking

If anything I think this is the problem with society and for anyone to say this about me, has obviously never heard me talk about anything. I found this utterly insulting

Anger prone

Repressed emotions and didn't start happening until 20's

Lack of Eye contact

I get really nervous around meeting new people, particularly if they stand really close to me for some fucking reason.  Once I get to know people I have no problem looking them in the eye.

Lack of Socialization

Low self-esteem brought on by my Depression

Social Anxiety and general Anxiety (fear of doing something wrong)

I actually do have a desire to socialize, but mistook relief after social based anxious episodes as me not liking it.

The same was done with someone very close to me, who was told they were Bipolar even though it didn't fit. They chose to trust they 're doctor, and was proven insanely wrong by they're new Doctor who aptly diagnosed them as having Borderline Personality and they are doing so much better.

Anyway I participated in a DBT group for about 16 weeks or so, one of which was diagnosed late in life with a form of autism. And the difference by the end of those weeks only strengthened my faith in DBT.

Don't start anything, but always finish

Don't go looking for a fight but, stand up for yourself when necessary, emphasis on necessary.

As long as people aren't hurting others or themselves, mind your own business

For some people this can be tricky, especially for those guided by their idealized narratives of the world. Again DBT can help with this in the grand scheme of things.

I mistakenly thought, that because I didn't seem to react how I would expect (bad assumptions) that I was fine. Even though, I was able to acknowledge that I was deeply depressed, which I was able to trace back to age 11, which for clarity was 20 years ago. Which fun fact I only discovered in my senior year of high school, followed by my anxiety a year later my first year of college. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE !!! EVEN IF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW!!! HAPPYNESS MAY NOT BE A CHOICE BUT THE PATH TO IT IS!!!

More In-depth analysis of how Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds and Marvel factor into follow in follow up post. Because This post is too damn long, already. Thank you to those who read it all the way through , I wish you contentment.

[just-nebularomantic-things]

So is nebularomantic unable to distinguish or can having a harder time or having a lot of confusion around it fit? Because I think I'm possibly aromantic and nebularomantic because I cannot distinguish what is romantic and what is platonic, but that results in me thinking I don't experience it in the first place because even though I can't distinguish it intuitively, from what people have told me I think that what I feel doesn't fit into romantic attraction. Although to be honest I'm still not completely sure I just don't think I've experienced a crush and that it was actually something like queerplatonic or alterous (or something that just can't be labeled) or hyperfixating on someone due to autism (and possibly adhd but I'm not diagnosed with that.)

(Okay I know I'm rambling, mainly asking because these labels can be so confusing for me to navigate and I'm just trying to clarify something, such as above question and also have you met or spoke anyone who identifies as being both aro and nebularomantic or any resources around that, because I read here that you didn't think it made sense and I am confused because that contradicts with my experience)

Nebularomantic can mean that you are unable to, or have difficulty differentiating between romantic and platonic attraction/love/affection due to any neurodivergency - and it sounds to me that you are experiencing that difficulty!

Sometimes it takes a long time of introspection to find out how you really feel. If at any point you figure out that, maybe you do make a meaningful 'split' between platonic affection and romantic attraction, (as in, you find there is some clear way to tell them apart), then, well, you can keep identifying as nebularomantic, or you could look for a label that make reflect your experiences more. But there's also the chance that, you never do find that distinction, and there's absolutely no shame in that.

Of course, I am not the total dictator over what labels you can call yourself! If you feel both aro and nebularomantic suit you, then go for it! I think a lot of people assume aromanticism is all about, just not experiencing romantic attraction - but I feel like it should be about, of course not experiencing and not needing that, but experiencing what *other people* (who are not aromantic) could consider romantic attraction in atypical or non-traditional ways, like queerplatonic relationships.

I created this blog, truthfully, to find other people who were like me, because I couldn't find much. I do not mind your rambling. It is always good to here about other people's experiences. If something I said contradicts *your* experience, pay it no mind. Your experience and how *you* feel is what's most important.

I hope my answer made enough sense! Thank you!

[weeb-polls-with-pip]

Autistic Anime Girls Group 2 Round 5 Match 2

SUBMISSION PROPAGANDA:

Ahiru -

"She's just like me for real! A lot of Duck's story is about accepting herself for who she really is instead of pretending to be a normal human girl like everyone else, which makes me feel so comfy inside. Also that one person in the notes who said that the magical girl genre has a lot of autistic girlies? So true. She's one of them! I love her so much, she's awkward and genuine and so very lovely and I've been looking up to her since I was a little baby because again… She's just like me for real. Also I feel like this gif makes good propaganda because mood."

Marcille -

"Dungeon Meshi is a manga about autism that just so happens to also have monsters and cooking.

On a surface level, Marcille seems like the most 'normal' one in the main group, she's often playing the straight man role in jokes and objects to their crazier plans. But its all just masking yall. She is a very introspective and anxious person, she spends a lot of time silently worrying about things like mortality and social rules. So whenever she's freaking out about people cooking monsters, she doesn't actually have any personal objections to it, she's just watching people break the rules she has fixated on and is unsure what to do about it. Likewise, she fell in love with her girlfriend after watching her openly being a weirdo who scampers around in the wilderness to look for cool bugs.

And yet, for all of her worrying about fitting in, she never quite manages it. At the wizard school she was seen as a weirdo half-elf who does unusual experiments and gets too excited. Over the course of the manga, she travels in an adventuring party with a few other openly autistic people (and a chronically divorced hobbit), and she slowly opens up to them over time and becomes more okay with the idea of coming across as weird.

A vote for Marcille Donato is a vote for your local weirdo autistic transbian who fails to fit in."

[bite-the-bloody-hand]

6 SONG SOUNDTRACK (Part 1 - DISCO FUNK)

@chaosteddybear tagged me in the following game and the autism won. I decided to make an extra challenge for myself: a themed playlist with 1 'outsider' or anachronistic track that still fits the overall vibe. We begin... with Disco Funk.

PREPARE YOUR BUTTS

Rules: If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following: 1. An event that defines your character's past 2. How your character sees themselves 3. How others view them 4. Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic) 5. A major fight scene 6. End Credits song

Spotify Youtube Music

1. AFRO CUBAN BAND* - Something's Gotta Give -

Dreams have done their share of dying love cries out but no one hears - oh, Something Something's got to give We can't, We can't go on like this

Is it a little on the nose? Sure. But a midnight revelation that he simply couldn't continue his life as it was going put Zell on the road to discovering his own path. He aches for the hurting, broken world he was brought into; he may not have the answer for fixing things, but he has to try something. Even if he's unsure of himself, even if he's convinced of his own fragility, he can fake strength if he can get out. He can't do anything while locked away in a Hellknight compound in Lepistadt, so he goes. And so it goes...

2. ARTIE SHAW - Nightmare - (Instrumental)

The problem with having an unclear sense of purpose and underdeveloped, poor self-esteem is that it can lead one down a path of introspection that keeps one in a spiral. Zell is an outsider when he isn't a rebel, never fitting with any authority and rarely synchronizing with any group; uncomfortable in his own body even when he's done everything he can to feel like himself. He desperately wants to solve the conundrum of connection - even when he's successful he has doubts that haunt him, especially in the lonely hours in the night.

(It's called Depression but they haven't invented therapy in Golarion yet)

Why this is the Anachronistic Outsider - Zell himself is a man out of time... even he doesn't know how old he is or how long he spent in Areelu Vorlesh's "care."

3. DEODATO - Also Sprach Zarathustra (instrumental)

I'm being a little bit of a shit with this; historically the misinterpretation of Nietzsche's Zarathustra have been that the title character is a teacher of doctrine/great leader/himself the 'Übermensch' he urges humanity to become. The actions of someone who wishes not to speak to the masses but instead live his own life of contemplation - and if he ever leads, to do it by example - often get twisted into fanatic parasocialization... if that isn't the life of the Knight Commander I don't know what is. Plus, this is just a bop.

4. EVELYN "CHAMPAGNE" KING - Shame

Ooh-ooh, it's a, oh-oh, it's a shame (Shame) oh-oh, it's a (Shame) mama** just don't understand Oh, how I love my man (shame) It's a, oh, it's a (shame)

Falling for someone when you already don't like yourself a whole lot can be hard, but it's much harder when nobody else likes the someone you love. Sometimes you just have to whip around and be assertive: the real shame would be abandoning what you have. Especially when it's this good.

5. C.J. & CO - Devil's Gun***

Get a new direction Well, well, well another resurrection Well now don't wait hesitate Or it's gonna be too late Flames are getting higher Got to jump out of the fire

I felt this fit as a big combat piece for Azata path especially; deeply anti-authoritarian theme about bringing together the community and avoiding the Devil (literal, figurative, and so on) and rebuilding? Yes please.

6. FRANCO MICALIZZI - Stridulum Theme (Instrumental)****

I wanted to close us out with something that felt a little magical and strange; this is a longtime favorite that really fit the bill.

TAGGING~ @Rlainarin @thedosianexplorer @arendaes I'm pretty sure two of you have already been tagged so feel no obligation, naturally.

*Had to transcribe the lyrics here myself so I'm not 100% sure I got them on the mark. Frustratingly I think this group only did one other track, which was the b-side for Something's Gotta Give. Real bummer, I love what I've found.

**Mama in this context is 100% Irabeth. She does NOT approve of this obviously farcical union. She's watching Arendae like a HAWK .

***YES, OF COURSE I played this during the Mephistopheles fight, who do you think I am?! TBH it was a real close call between this and Stayin' Alive but Devil's Gun won out for thematic reasons.

****I've had this track on Zell's playlist for a long time simply because I love the sound. It's the theme to a truly bizarre 70s Italian horror flick called The Visitor / Stridulum that's worth catching if you're curious. Free on youtube via the link.

[thatadhdmood]

what the fuck . that exact fidget cube in your pfp. i have it. i've had it since i was like 6. my dad bought it for me cause i had just learned about the existence of fidget toys and i was like wow this could benefit me a lot at school. and he didn't know i wanted it for school until after he bought it for me and they said i couldn't take it to school so i didn't and i still have it and it's chilling in one of my boxes and here i am now after facing the horrors and doing a shit ton of introspection and realizing i've just had adhd (and autism) my whole life. and then i see that. how did you do that

Get got.

Ive had this pfp the entire time ive been thatadhdmood for like 5-6 years now.This is the same fidget cube that i ordered from the original fidget cube kickstarter baby. Its the best color one fr!

[jackalopescruff]

have you made a post or anything talking about being a therian and like, how you came to realize it and stuff? im questioning myself and was hoping maybe, as a longtime follower of yours, your experience (any amount of it really) could help me out. no need to push urself to explain or anything of course!! i appreciate you being open about it in general ❤️

I never made a generalized post about it really since I'm very much a private introspective person (usually bounce things off my wife and my closest friends) and of course sought out input from Therian pals to help unpack my feelings but! with the disclosure that I'm still relatively new to this whole thing, and am by no means an expert I can offer a little insight to some of the stuff but I'll be brief. (Other Therian folks who are following me feel free to reblog and add your own insight for anon I wont mind at all!)

My realization definitely stemmed a lot in part I believe from not only my own journey and struggle with my Trans identity which had its own ups and downs, how even after feeling comfortable in a certain gender expression and identity there was still some itching piece that was not falling into place. Because while I felt very happy with being a "woman of my own making" (pat on my back because that was my rawest line from my own gender journey while i was working my ass off in a warehouse talking to my wife on the sly on my earbuds) I knew something else was there nagging at me beyond being a Non Binary Trans Woman.

With having Autism there is already that feeling of out of place that you get with being separate from society and its standards as a whole and at first a lot of my feelings on non-humanism I chalked up to the dehumanizing that autistic folks face as part of society expecting us to mold to the standards they practice and demand so it went left unexplored for some time because I just figured "yeah I'm autistic of course I feel out of place in 'normal' society" (again the language here not implying its wrong to be me or autistic obviously) But once around friends and people I trusted who didn't other me for my transness or my autism that itch still persisted.

My being a furry helped me explore more animal mannerisms and behaviors just out of the fact that its furry community we get sillay. But the more I acted on certain things (barking, meowing, various other noises) as well as more referential to myself not as a human but as a Dragon, Bear, Dog etc just a change of language as part of the fun I started noticing those same warm feelings as I did when I started new pronouns or names, the social feelings of being referred to with things that otherwise I wouldn't normally experience. My fascination with nature, my love of the outdoors beyond just the joy of fresh air the actual genuine peace that I'd feel in the woods away from society as a large, listening to all the other animals in the trees feeling the sun and wind on my face how it deeply went into me in some spot inside me that I never really knew was there at least never knew how to acknowledge how it felt like each breath filled my body with this new life I hadn't known.

My wife knew she was Therian first, and through her I explored myself and began to realize that I probably was too. With insight from other pals who also were Therian and just a general fact that I am not afraid to just sit down and look myself in the mirror in a sense and unpack shit when I need to I really just had this sudden explosion of "oh wow this is what it was, this is that itchy piece" I am beyond happy with where the journey has already taken me and I do not feel shame to be that which I am. My wife, my friends, plenty of people around me encouraged, nurtured, and embraced who I was.

So now yeah, my wife and I spend a lot of time speaking with body language and make little barks and reh's and howls and noises at each other instead of words because its freeing to be able to talk with your body and eyes and be understood, especially with autism, being able to be non verbal but still communicate brought such peace and joy. Being able to escape life in society and build a bedroom den and hang vines up in our bathroom and build our own burrow with moss and leaves and just curl up and feel cozy and safe is so comforting and warm.

I know its not a thing everyone gets, and I know its a stigma because "you are bound by your flesh" but much like being trans the flesh is only a small part of what makes us, Us and our soul is much brighter and deeper than anything that our exterior can show. So I may be constrained by limited avenues of external physical expression but that shouldn't stop me from letting my soul soar and be as bright and passionate as it can be.

[bravestworriers]

writer interview game <3

thank u to @pricemarshfield who tagged me in this :) i'm so glad we're friends and u let me bombard you with random writing snippets as i go along!

i will be tagging the og writing wife @atxvanhalen (circa 2012), ao3 famous bffl @riverdanceeee, fantasy-pilled love of my life @multilevelmargoting, the coolest film reviewer in the biz @kaafka, and my begrudgingly kind editor @takeavacation2010 . & anyone else who'd like to write a little something about themselves!

read below if you dare!!!

When did you start writing?

probably as long ago as i could figure out how to & started winning little competitions for it! i love telling stories, usually through a visual medium (storyboarding, screenwriting etc), but it's all writing at the end of the day, no matter how put it down on a page.

i recently located my half finished writing from elementary school (so i must have started from the age of at least 8), all in the email drafts of my oldest email account, and it's always a treat to see how i used to think about romance, about drama and all that good stuff! (i was wrong and sad, but adorably so!)

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

i love big sci-fi adventures, heists, life or death sort of stuff, just as long as it's grounded in something tangible and human. i also just love media where you can tell that the artists are having a lot of fun with the medium and they way they're piecing everything together. like i adore the films kneecap (dir. rich peppiatt) and american animals (dir. bart layton) and dick johnson is dead (dir. kirsten johnson), even though i could never see myself writing a true story/biopic feature like that -- they're just exploring what a feature film compiling those ideas looks like today, fighting against the rules of what people think it should be, and just going for it. other than that, i watch a lot of BAD movies and BAD tv because it's fascinating to pull it apart and figure out where things went wrong -- like looking under the hood of a fucked up car.

mostly, i think i read and watch a lot of the types of things i like to write, lots of introspective dramedies and coming of age stories. but usually no tragedy, it makes me too sad.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

in school i got compared a LOT to tim burton (i made a lot of fantasy focused films that existed in the real world), which honestly feels like a little bit of an insult now. if i was compared to henry sellick, now that would be a compliment.

i'd love to emulate documentarian and cinematographer kirsten johnson! (it's not going to happen. but i love her.)

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

i really can write anywhere, as long as it's in complete isolation listening to the same piece of music over and over until whatever i'm doing is complete (that's the autism for ya!). usually when i'm working, i'm lying down in bed in the evening, or weirdly standing with my computer on a counter in the kitchen early in the morning as i'm getting ready for my day. i'm a slow writer and can't get anything done without a deadline (work related) or a special interest (fic related), and usually things sputter aimlessly until someone explicitly asks for it (this is why my ao3 never has anything finished. sorry guys! #shamelssplug!)

(right now the piece of music i'm listening to is norman's walk by jon brion. and yes, if you're curious, my repetition of single pieces of music always messes up my spotify wrapped.)

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

the only theme i can think of is one of meeting someone that you're meant to meet, exactly at the point in your life that you are meant to meet them. life is chance upon chance upon chance, i've found, and i love capturing that life-changing feeling as it balances temporarily on a pinpoint. i especially love when it ends in tragedy too.

agnes varda's cleo from five to seven is a favourite of this trope. a bit of severance by ming le also has this concept wrapped up in it. and billy wilder's the apartment.

i don't think it surprises me though, i think it's always something i'm looking for in life. to eventually look back and see the path i made, and to know even if i didn't at the time, that it was the right one because of the people i had the pleasure of meeting, even briefly.

i also love 90s wedding movies and the strict structure they're written with, it's fun to replicate and poke fun of in my own work.

What is your reason for writing?

i started writing because i would get really overwhelmed with my feelings over whatever was going on in my life, and need to parse through them somehow. they say it's always best to start with a nugget of something, and build off of it. it's how i've coped with everything from romantic kerfuffles, to immigration, and racism, to parents splitting up, death, and everything else life has to offer. explicitly in my writing, or not.

maybe i've just been exceptionally lucky, but every time i've shared something that felt so isolating and devastating i did not know how to deal with it, i've always met someone after the fact who looked me in the eyes and told me they felt exactly the same thing.

it makes me love being a person on this planet.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

i don't know! if you like it, please let me know! if you don't, please don't tell me i'll think about it for the next twelve years of my life and also cry.

no, but in all seriousness, i just want to make people feel like some part of them is understood, whatever that looks like. yell into the void with me, or yell back at me from the void, whatever works best for you.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

pacing and emotional beats. i can always feel when a scene is done, or when i want it to be done. i love writing the emotional stuff, i don't really care about the stuff that it takes to get there, other than it makes those beats happen.

writing my dialogue is like pulling teeth. writing my inner monologue gets convoluted. writing, i'm a slower than the oldest, most decrepit turtle. writing my descriptions can get too long in screenplay format. literally nothing but pacing out a story and hitting those emotional beats.

How do you feel about your own writing?

it makes me sick to my stomach. after i've obsessed over something for months and it's done, i can't look at it. i'm always terrified that it's so much worse than i want it to be, or that i'm envisioning it is. (i've had this exact experience at a festival with one of my films before and it haunts me forever.) i need other people to tell me it's written okay before i start to feel normal about it. i want to get over this sensation eventually, but it doesn't seem like it's happening anytime soon.

that being said, i don't think i could make myself stop writing and telling stories if i wanted to. my cross to bear, i suppose.

that's all. thanks for this, sarah, and if anyone read this, i hope you enjoyed it :^)

[sophieinwonderland]

Dear, the big problem about transableism and trans-whatever (trans autism ie.) is the lacking of affective responsibility coming from those transabled individual. And the lack of introspection too.

It’s not about your screaming desires of being something. You (and All the transabled community) need to understand that we live in a society and we have to accept and tolerate each other, but also to not hurt others. Your desires to be something else are not your identity. You hurt others, but more importantly, you hurt yourselves.

It’s about accepting who you really are, without your obsessions towards neurodevelopmental and mental disorders. Your real identity and essence is more than the disorders that you are pursuing.

Maybe you are just very sensitive toward people with this conditions, and that’s ok! And maybe your imagination and narrative talents are far beyond the mean, and that’s cool. Also I’ve read that you are good at collecting and applying data. But pursuing transableism is not ok.

Be you.

I am not transabled in anyway, shape or form.

I don't know entirely what it's like to be transabled.

But this gives me some real "have you tried not being depressed?" vibes

Currently, not a lot of research has been done into people who identify with mental illnesses they don't have. But... research has been done into BIID, where people may feel like they should have a physical disability they don't have.

And in these cases, it's not something that can be controlled or willed away.

It's not even just wanting to, but feeling like you're supposed to and that the fact that you don't is fundamentally wrong. And no matter how much you try, you can never quite shake the thought that you would be better if you were how you're "supposed" to be.

Is this what it's like to be transautistic too? I really don't know. But it seems reasonable to think many are experiencing something similar, but in relation to mental illnesses instead of just physical.

And like with the BIID groups, I don't think it's as easy for many of them as just "accepting themselves".

As for harm, there are plenty of things that are harmful to us as an Autistic system. A small subgroup of a small subgroup of people on the internet identifying as transautistic really doesn't make the list.

[charredcheddar]

Thinking about how the second a routine breaks, I never go back to it.

Funnily enough, this is about Sky COTL bc I keep seeing posts about it

I used to play sky a lot, I was online every day to make sure I did all the daily quests and collect candles. However when my switch broke (long story) I switched to mobile and really struggled. I don't like playing those kinds of games on mobile and it just killed all enjoyment I had of the game. Now my switch is fixed but I've barely even picked it up. I've not played sky (or anything tbh) since it broke bc my routine was broken and I just never picked it back up.

A similar thing happened when I started missing my AddMaths lessons. I just stopped going mainly out of anxiety that the longer I hadn't gone, the more likely I was to get in trouble for it. Eventually I went back bc the ELSA person spoke to the teachers and asked them to just ignore me when I did attend that week so I would feel less anxious. (I caught up and got a grade A bc I genuinely enjoyed the subject)

It's just a pattern I've noticed that. Potentially it's about losing progress and having to build it back up. Potentially its that I'm so unmotivated I cannot do anything without it being ingrained into the structure of my life. Its probably its the autism in some way. I just can't start doing things. They have to be a part of my life already or forced on me by external factors

This got very introspective. It was meant to be about me missing playing sky. I miss playing sky.

[trash-can-sam]

Ive finally made a sandrock OC (KIND OF) I havent just stolen the design of and put somewhere else. and I really want to talk about her. So here she is.

I wanted to give some lore to this character Qi mentions 3 times

AND now shes in my brain, so Ill say some things about her:

She wanted to be a biologist but ended up going into the same type of research job Qi's in because it paid more

Qi and Bugs went to college together and ended up working pretty closely on a few projects, maybe even had internships/jobs at the same place for a while before Qi moved to Sandrock.

She got the nickname Bugs because she would always pick up random bugs in elementry school and the name just kind of stuck. She prefers it to her actual name (which I have not thought of yet because names are hard)

Qi says that they are rivals, but I dont think thats actually true given how much they talk. I think its a lot more like a one sided rivalry where Qi has decided shes his rival and she just kinda plays along because its fun, but theyre actually just friends (not that Qi would admit that, but Bugs refers to and thinks of him as a friend)

Although she still works in Vega 5, she doesnt particularly love it there. To her, she just has nowhere else to go and the pay and lifestyle of Vega 5 is too much to resist, especially for someone wihtout that many goals.

Qi managed to get her into Gungham and so they have amazing conversations that only come from ADHD-Autism friendships where both people have the same hyperfixation. (I speak from experience when I say its the best thing)

She visits sandrock sometimes because she doesnt know where else to go when she has stacked up vacation days.

She gets very annoyed whenever people dont know what they're talking about, hence her friendship with Qi not really being an issue, because both of them are like this and they both thrive off of each others intellectual energy.

ALSO. Some things about her personal relationships to people in Sandrock:

Her and Grace are dating, mostly because I want Grace to have a girlfriend so bad (I am so starved for sapphic relationships you dont understand). They have been rotating in my brain SO MUCH, so I'll talk about them. This is largely because it would be SO FUNNY.

Their relationship started because Bugs would regularly visit Sandrock, so she would see Grace a lot. Since the Blue Moon Saloon isnt really that busy, they would talk to eachother quite a bit. After a few trips of both of them talking, Bugs decides it would be funny to mess with Qi whenever her and Qi eat dinner later that night, and she thinks the funniest way to do that is by Grace hitting on her at this dinner. Make it real awkward for Qi. I plan on making a comic for this actually SO we will see if it actually gets done. If it does it will be so funny you dont even know (it definetly will not be thats the brainrot talking.)

After that, they meet up outside the Blue Moon Saloon to toast to their success of making Qi extremely confused, they walk around sandrock and sit at the oasis a while. Nothing happens that night, but they both come away from it as deeper friends and a little crush. Not in like, a way that is that noticable, or a way either of them intend on pursuing, but a way that definelty exists. Neither of them are stupid, and both of them tend to do a good amount of introspection, so they both pick up on this and it changes the dynamic a little, but in a good way.

As time goes on, Bugs makes more and more visits to Sandrock, to see Qi of course, but the reason increasingly becomes to see Grace as well. They both flirt with eachother a bit here and there, until Grace asks her out on a date and it ends up becoming a thing. Still thinking of details there BUT! They will be thought of, dont worry.

NOW, For what this relationship means for them both and their similarities and a couple differences:

For both of them, this is the first romantic relationship they have had that really feels like the other person can keep up with them. Both of them are super smart, and they both sort of have unfollowed dreams.

They are also both workaholics discontent with the circumstances they're in, and I feel like they bond a lot over that.

BOTH OF THEM ARE VERY SILLY. Grace, especially if youre dating her, uses a lot of very silly language. Like whenever youre dating, her greeting is "Hey good lookin, what ya got cookin?" She has many many silly lines and I would reccomend reading her dialogue page if you havent already read it all the way through like 3 times. Bottom line is, shes goofy. And Bugs is also goofy. Not in exactly the same way, but like she calls Qi a chatty cathy, thats goofy. AND SOMETHING GRACE WOULD DO IF HER AND QI WERE FRIENDS IN THAT WAY. They would be a very annoying couple and I find that extremely funny especially in the context of them spending a good amount of time with Qi, who probably doesnt pick up on it half the time.

Both of them are the type to distract from their inner turmoil with humor. If you have gone on a playdate with grace or read her entire dialogue page, you would know she does this a non-zero amount of times, quite commonly in fact. Bugs does the same type of thing, but she does tend to talk a lot less than Grace.

Bugs is an introvert unlike Grace, but she can read people surprisingly well. Not anywhere near as well as Grace, of course, but still pretty well.

Both have jobs that end up with them being relatively isolated from personal connections. For Bugs, shes working in a team with a lot of people she doesnt really like, for Grace, she has to keep quiet about her job for the most part. This leads to them having an interesting dynamic in which both of them dont really know how to navigate personal, unguarded relationships super well. Bugs hasnt had any close friends in a long time, and Grace cant turn off her agent brain, oftentimes getting a lot more from Bugs than Bugs would want her to. I have a real thing for relationships where one person is quite guarded and the other person can read them super well, and Bugs and Grace fit this dynamic very well in both directions. Bugs tends to read Grace more than she expects too, not by a crazy amount or anything, but she does catch Grace offguard occasionally, just because Grace tends to drop it more often without realizing it around Bugs.

They have the same sort of (aspiring) archeolegist and researcher dynamic Grace and Qi have (That I touched on here) but romantic so. I think thats fun personally, because its a cool sort of combining of forces. It also hits a bit different from Grace's and Qi's simply because Bugs is a lot more like Grace personality wise.

A couple other relationships in sandrock:

Her and Zeke get along. She visits Zeke sometimes, because of her interest in biology. And I just think they would get along. Not just because she likes plants but I also think she would appricate how Zeke is very knowlegable on what he does as well as desert farming in general.

She doesnt like the church very much (for the innate ideological differences that come with being a researcher), but she still has a laugh with Dan-Bi occasionally.

I like the idea of her getting along with Fang a bit. I think she has at least looked at some of what she uses to make medicine and is like "oh wow thats genius!"

I think she would have a very fun time messing with Yan (because Yan is literally so funny idc what anyone else says I love him so much) I dont think she would like him, but I think she would have fun talking to him every now and then just to prod him (which Yan ofc doesnt notice) for goofs.

I love the idea of her getting along with Unsuur. I cannot explain why. But I think they would be drinking buddies.

Some design notes and how she dresses when shes not in a lab coat:

I had to give her a long lab coat because thats a demographic severely underepresented in sandrock

Her shirt color is pretty similar to Qi's undershirt, it just felt like it fit. Its also half untucked like Qi's, but Bugs does it because she thinks it looks good while Qi does it because hes tired. I dont really know how to draw that sort of distinction, but just know that its there.

Her belt buckle is gold while Qis is silver

Her hairtie is dark blue, Qis tie is light blue. Theres not a whole lot to that I just thought it was neat personally.

Her fashion sense tends to be pretty casual, usually hoodies and shorts while shes in her apartment and pretty normal streetwear outside of it. I dont think that she wears as many belts as the average Sandrock or Portia citizen. Since we havent been to Vega 5, I cant say for sure what the normal fashion sense is like, but based off of Qi and Petra, who are more like the average Vega 5er, and what is known about the culture, I assume regular dress tends to be more busniess casual-formal. I dont count Merlin, who was so eccentric she got kicked out of Vega 5, Or Mint, who seems overly casual, in this assesment. However, Bugs dresses in whatever is slightly more casual than the normal Vega 5 streetwear. Not as casual as Mint, but definetly not formal. She's kind of done with Vega 5's general busniess culture, not done enough to leave, but done enough that she doesnt really care what she wears off the clock if that makes sense.

That is all for my unhinged ramblings. I have a lot of ideas about her and maybe I will actually do something with those, so I thought I should introduce her.

[talesofanaudhdnothing]

Introduction

Good morning, it’s 1pm.

I’m a vlogger at heart and hope to keep up with my channel but thought I would try another avenue of connecting? Anyways the point of that was to explain how I got so used to saying good morning to my camera that I would accidently do it at 4 or 5 pm on my way home from work in the video diaries I would make (not even to upload, I just like to talk but only to myself). Eventually I just started to do it on purpose and while i’m sure no one actually cares, I personally find it hilarious so I have claimed it as my thing.

I’m Bee and this is my blog! Could I tell you what I’ll be posting here? No. Basically, this is just a void for me to shout into just like my youtube channel. I like to think I can offer a pretty realistic and relatable perspective on life and that’s why I like to share. Because I like to consume content I can relate to, and I want to be that content for other people. I crave connection into the world I feel like an alien to. I have autism 🎉 !!! I’m not sure if it’s related but honestly, it checks. Before we go any further let me give you the alphabet soup recipe:

Level 1 ASD 

Combined ADHD

Generalized anxiety

depression

And probaby cptsd, arfid, dyscalclia ????

Aaaand as of now that’s it but give me another month or so of introspection and observation and i’ll get back to you. It’s weird taking a piece of yourself and focusing so hard to figure out what it is like that. Things I thought were just normal, aren’t. Everyone isn’t having the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as I am. Everyone is not having as tough of a time as me. I’m also hyper-independent… for some reason so that doesn’t really help with ever asking for the support I need. Weird, right?

I was officially DX with audhd on april 4th, 2023 through some place online that I still kinda squint my eyes at. But I got my silly little paper that says i’m autistic so that’s really all I needed. And tbh I could have paid for and had the best ASD evaluator in the world and I’d still be like “ ok but like..are you positive bc?”. Not because I don’t want to be autistic, god no. I was RELIEVED to discover I might be autistic. And I totally respect everyones feelings and they are very valid but I never understood being upset. To me; If you are autistic, you’ve BEEN autistic. Having the words to it isn’t going to make it worse. It doesn’t give you autism to say you’re autistic. But what it does is validate that you aren’t crazy or weird or just an outsider. You aren’t alone and now you know how to help yourself. Why would I be upset to learn that the reason I get so irrationally angry and deeply terrified when someone revs their motor is because I’m autistic and I’m not just being dramatic???

Maybe I just guessed all the right answers. I don’t do XYZ or experience XYZ like other people who are autistic so maybe I’m really not and i’ just weird and destined to never fit anywhere. What if I’m just faking symptoms (not for attention because I keep it private because I’m embarrassed). 

But I know it has to be true, deep down and it always has been and always will be. And I just want to share my experiences and my knowledge. I want to help other audhd people like me. So I want to start this blog to talk about myself; Share my experiences, pass along my knowledge, and share the good and the bad. I want people to better understand us because I know I feel chronically misunderstood. And I just wanna have fun man. I have a lot to say when it’s on my terms and I want to say it!

[ashleywool]

I still don't know my "type" and I'm sick of caring about it

In the early years of my Broadway dream-chasing, I often had to grapple with the concept of "type." That is, what is someone's "type" as an actor? How does the industry view them physically and energetically?

Maybe this is an autism thing, but I still don't really get it.

I get it in theory, but in practice, it always feels...wrong. Because you're told that there are rules, but there are always exceptions to the rules. You're told that your "type" will naturally emerge depending on the roles you get callbacks for, the roles you get cast in, the roles you almost get cast in but someone else just fits better.

It is very easy for me to define my type in negatives, by the things I can't do. There are "obvious no" roles, and there are "roles I could theoretically play but am not a natural fit." The "obvious no" roles are things like Effie White or Lady Thiang. The theoretical-but-not-perfect roles are sometimes harder to define, especially to people not "in the business." It's a game of "just because I can doesn't mean I should."

For instance, I can hit the high notes, but I don't have the right "flavor" of soprano for Christine Daae. I can cut my hair and don overalls and Doc Martens, but I'm not convincingly butch enough to play Enid Hoopes. I can learn and capably execute most of the choreography in A Chorus Line, but I don't have the nuanced, expressive qualities required for Cassie or Sheila. I played Eva Perón in a community theatre setting ten years ago, and I'm still really proud of the work I did on that show, but I'm not Latina, so I wouldn't try to play the role in a professional production nowadays, because the culture has shifted to prioritizing ethnic authenticity in a way that historically we haven't. And sure, the real Eva was a white Latina with a similar ethnic background to mine, so my playing her is "passable" in that it's not as blatantly inappropriate as Effie or Thiang, but there's still a difference between being a "passable" fit and being the "right" fit. And those differences become all the more important when it comes to representing marginalized groups who have traditionally been denied opportunities to play roles that they are authentically right for. (See also: autistic actors.)

All this to say: between the shifts in the culture and my increased maturity and introspection as a theatremaker, I've gotten pretty good at typing myself out of things. But that still leaves a lot of stuff that I can do, and The Industry People™ expect me to define myself even more specifically within that pool. I am nowhere near as good at that as I think I'm supposed to be at this point in my career. What I think of my type still conflicts annoyingly often with what others think. Or at least what others think upon first impression.

As far as I can tell, the biggest reason for this is the "wait, how old are you?" factor. Apparently, I look a lot younger than I am. Okay, fine. I'm short and I moisturize. Presumably, this is a good thing, especially for women. Because, the patriarchy, I guess. But for me, it's been...confusing.

A common thread in my community theatre experience was, I would initially get cast in a "younger" role, and would then get to play the "adult" roles in later shows after the directors got to know me better. This was all well and good as a tiny baby actressling hungry for the diversity of experience, but those are the experiences that built my resume--and The Industry People™ have told me that from a professional standpoint, my resume gives them whiplash.

The same year I played Eva Perón, I played Logainne in Spelling Bee. The next year, I was in final callbacks for Star-to-Be in the national tour of Annie, but they also had me sing "Tomorrow" because they thought maybe I could swing for the orphans too. I was 28. The year I turned 30, I played a twelve-year-old Alice in Wonderland in a children's theatre production, and then played Amy in Company.

Then, I got my Equity card, which apparently knocked another fifteen-to-twenty years off my playable age. I am thirty-six. In the EPA casting breakdown for HTDIO swings, Jessica's age is listed as 20. Last week--last week--I was called in to read for a 16-year-old in a feature film.

And look, I'm not complaining about the teens-to-early-20s roles. They're not bad roles. I'll happily play them until you decide I can't get away with it anymore.

But it's getting really weird to still not be at that point, and to still not know when I will get to that point. It feels almost like I'm being gaslit. I say I want to audition for a role that's closer to my actual age, and someone says "oh no, you're far too young for that," and I say "I'm actually five years older than the age range listed," then they look at me like I have three heads. Like I'm the one who's confused about a basic, quantifiable numerical fact of my existence.

But what do they expect me to do? Lie about my age? I might have been able to get away with that before the Internet, but not now. One slip of "hokay, so here's the Earth" gives me away instantly.

So...where does this leave me and my whiplash resume?

Do I keep listing Alice and Logainne and Wednesday Addams and Iola the factory girl in Parade even though I know I'm too old for them now? How do I know when to remove them?

Do I keep listing the roles that are closer to my actual age--or roles that I was probably too young for when I played them but have now appropriately aged into--even though I know there will still be people who think I'm too young? How do I know when the pushback will stop?

And most of all, how do I know when it's finally okay to stop caring about any of this? Because I'm sick of caring about it, and so is every other actor in the world, because none of us signed up to care about it in the first place. I just originated a principal role on Broadway that defied all the odds of what people thought was possible on Broadway, and it's REALLY tempting to say "you know what, maybe this is just evidence that I'm a really good actress who can do a lot of different stuff, and I am not going to make other people's whiplash my problem anymore."

But...I don't think I get to do that yet.

I don't think the systematic machinations of the theatre industry have caught up with the multifaceted humanity of its actors.

I'm using this downtime to try to figure out what I can do to get there. For myself, and for all of us.

[kandadara]

Twyla Appreciation Ramblings

Warning: Long

For as long as I've been into Monster High, Twyla has always been my favorite character. So let's talk about her.

Gen 3 Twyla is confirmed to have autism, as evidenced from her music video, the singer from said video posting it on Instagram who is also autistic, and having an autistic VA (according to IMDB). A lot of autistic people relate to Twyla and I'm glad that neurodivergent conditions such as autism are getting positive representation.

Though, it makes me wonder some things, especially about mental health.

I know this is a kids show, so maybe I'm making this too complicated, but I hope they'll incorporate mental health somehow, especially since this sort of thing affects so many. The subject is a delicate one, but even so, it is still important and shouldn't be stigmatized the way it is in our society.

Getting a little personal, as someone who has severe social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder, plus being on the introverted side, I could also see a lot of myself in Twyla as well and her character resonated within me. I don't know if I have ADHD and/or Autism or not, as there's a long history of me being diagnosed and misdiagnosed with a plethora of things since childhood, so I remain unsure of what all I may have anymore, but one, both, or neither are still possible. With that said, I'm still technically considered neurodivergent as I have OCD, which falls under the neurodivergence umbrella. Regardless, Twyla is a comfort character to me and always will be.

Now back to Twyla...

While this could just be me overanalyzing her character and going into headcanon territory (though let's be real, it's fun), her character is enjoyable for me to write and I love adding depth to her. I could see Twyla also having social anxiety and/or avoidant personality disorder, as she is painfully shy. Even for Gen 3, I could still see this being the case, alongside having autism. These sorts of things can and do co-occur. With that said, I'm no psychology expert, but I do try to do my research before trying to incorporate things like mental health issues and psychology into my writings.

This is all my opinion, but I'll share my take on Gen 1 Twyla, though these could still apply to the Gen 2 and Gen 3 versions of her as well.

The way I see Twyla is she's a shy, sweet, and introverted ghoul who prefers to keep to the shadows, finding solace in solitude. An introspective and contemplative sort that is prone to daydreaming, but has a good intuition nonetheless. She's a peaceful and gentle girl who likes to help people from the shadows, like an invisible ally. She always seemed rather innocent to me and I can see her being idealistic to an extent, thinking very much about what could be, especially in regards to a harmonious future for all monsters and normies alike. Though, deep down, I could imagine she feels a bit lonely and misunderstood, afraid to get close to people for fear of being rejected/judged/hurt and finds social situations difficult, but she still wants someone to understand her sincerest self. According to her profile in Gen 1, her favorite class is psychology, so I imagine she's also a curious type that likes to know the why behind things as it eases her mind and likes to read a bunch on various topics, including history (as seen in Gen 3). In her 13 Wishes diary, it is implied she doesn't entirely accept herself as she refers to herself as "bad" and "terrible", suggesting a struggle with self-confidence and self-esteem. More than anything, I think she wants to be able to be herself and live her truth, but also wants to be loved truly as herself by those closest to her so she feels conflicted at times. I see all this in Twyla and more, I could write plenty more, but I will leave it at this for now.

I feel many people can relate to these things rather well, just like I do.

As an older fan, I'm likely always going to be partial to Gen 1, but I look forward to seeing where this version of Twyla's story goes and how she'll be portrayed. Hope y'all enjoyed reading this post and ramble.

(PS: Unrelated, but the way her hands flap as she's reading those books is just too cute!)