#I just I don’t understand and I still have no clue about many things surrounding my sexuality and shit

[fulokis]

Brain is fucking with me tonight

[calitsnow]

I just finished the Time Killing Event, it was awesome, love our trio of detectives. There are just some things I want to ramble about:

Spoilers below:

Tw: suicidal thoughts, suicidal behaviour (even if it is not stated as this and that it may not be to that extent, I prefer to put this in case, so if you’re uncomfortable with these subjects, don’t go past the photo and stay safe)

Just wanted to start with, it was an event so funny, I really liked the comical situations and the story.

I loved all the illustrations (there were so many, it was so nice)

loved the interactions between the members of the bus

loved the focus we got on Rodya and also the bit of focus we got on Ryoshu (it was super nice to see that she had warmed up to the other sinners)

Dante please go talk to Ryoda, she needs to tell someone how she feels and put off her mask for the moment of a conversation

But I have to just ask: Hong Lu, are you okay?

Because like 60% of the time Hong Lu spoke I was like: wait what

Hong Lu are you okay ?! What do you mean “when my siblings tried to kill me”, what do you mean “the first time”?! And what did you just say about your family ?!

I know, we knew Hong Lu’s past was probably as messed up as his family, and this event really confirmed it. But the way he talked about it, the way he talked about the first time (implying that there was others times) his siblings tried to kill him, how he proposed himself to be a bait to this time killing distortion, it was so unsettling but also kind of sad ‘cause Hong Lu clearly doesn’t care about his end or even, in a certain way, himself. And the fact that he understood them wanting him dead, either because Hong Lu also wishes to be dead, or (and that’s probably more this case) Hong Lu understood their hate for him because Hong Lu knows how to read people and how to understand them at a, sometimes, really deep emotional level. We saw it with Yi Sang, we saw it many times, Hong Lu is capable of very profound empathy.

Okay, sometimes he said things that are very off with what the sinner usually meant and so it passes as something pretentious or said by a rich guy who never had to live a hard life but sometimes those lighthearted comments also convey a form of truth or clue for the others to understand.

Hong Lu gave so much the impression that he wouldn’t mind dying or at least doing something akin to dying. And the fact that he just want to experience a lot of things before having to go back to his family I guess, is still concerning for me because even though it seems that his family agreed on having Hong Lu going on a trip, I can’t help but getting the impression that Hong Lu is a teenager who allegedly ran away from home following a crisis with his family. And I know Hong Lu never phrased it like that and everything is pointing toward him going on a little trip with his family’s authorisation , but I can’t shake off this impression that that’s not the case …

And this sentence about the world staying unchanged, what does this mean??? Of course, it made me think about the book, but I don’t know yet how to put it together yet. You see, if I get it right, one of the thing The Dream of Red Chamber tackles is this notion that nothing is truly unchanging, even more, that things are constantly changing and so never the same, never a fix thing/identity. And these changements are something that Jia Baoyu has to learn and recognise as being a part of his mortal life in “our” world. And there is more and more to this theme but I am not going to dwell on this now…

Bref, Hong Lu made it clear that he lived through the Hunger Games when he was with his family and that there are many things wrong with this latest and Hong Lu’s past and everything surrounding it…

Still no mentions of Lin Daiyu, I keep wondering where will she fit in all of this…

Hong Lu also mention his second oldest aunt which could be Lin Daiyu’s mother (Jia Min) or Xue Pan and Xue Baochai’s mother (Aunt Xue) and Baochai is the one who ends up marrying Jia Baoyu in the book …

Anyway, I am also glad that this event highlighted once again that fact that Hong Lu knows how to read people on an emotional level.

On another note, the story of Hong Lu’s new identity was nice because once again it proves that Hong Lu knows how to observe and analyse others and details but his left eye was not mentioned… so idk what to think because is it it hidden between the lines ? Is his left eye not involved in this ? Or is this a reference to the book? See, for the third option, which I find interesting, it reminded me of the fact that even though the jade with which Baoyu was born is recognise as something precious and magical, its existence is not really questioned nor are his magical powers. Nobody really question how, why Jia Baoyu comes to be born with a jade in his mouth, its just a fact.

[widow-maximov]

Hi, can I request a Nat x fem!reader oneshot where the reader is singing Russian songs she's heard from Natasha's playlist while doing mundane tasks ie paperwork, washing up dishes etc. The reader not knowing a lot of Russian doesn't realise how explicit the songs are just casually sings them in front of the whole avenger's team splitting the group with the members who can speak Russian finding it hilarious and those who can't just thinking it's a good song and Natasha's just sat there with a whole array of mixed emotions but is mostly impressed with how well the reader is singing.

Thanks in advance :)

Russian Songs

Pairing: Natasha x Reader

Warning: The usual tags I don’t really know what other tags would go here, just enjoy :3

Summary: After being moved away from missions and doing everyone's chores. You wanted to be more productive, but was that a good choice?

Word count: 2.7k

A/n: So I couldn't find any explicit songs per say, but I hope this song will work, it's very hard to look for songs in another language, anyway I hope yous enjoy.

My requests are always open so feel more than welcome to pop in a suggestion for the next story :3

⸻⸻⋙☸⋘⸻⸻

You were known to be a singer, well that's around the compound of course, you weren't brave enough to sing in front of thousands of people.

You loved singing all your life but your passion for doing good was too strong and it won over your life. If you were honest, not many knew about your singing ability.

It's not like you would be parading around and singing, it was mostly when you were doing mundane tasks, or when no one was around. It was like your little secret you didn't want to share with the group.

Even after dating Natasha for 2 years, she still had no clue you could sing and she was a spy so that was surprising, that was until recently..

During training with your redhead girlfriend, she has been putting light music but most of it was in Russian, meaning you couldn't understand anything.

It almost sounded like a challenge to you, to learn that song by heart and because it was catchy so you wanted sing it properly and just enjoy what it meant.

But that was exactly that, you didn't understand it so you didn't know what you were learning, even though that didn't stop you, you still learnt it- Well some of the words.

Somehow you ended up doing all of the chores in the tower, actually there was a reason, Natasha along with Tony came up with a 'punishment' for you.

Your own girlfriend came up with a punishment for you, it was because you ended up surrounded by hydra men, who had you tied up and ready to transport as way to kidnap you and use you to get out what they wanted for the Avengers.

It wasn't even your fault, Shields information was misleading that you ended up in the wrong section of the building, with tooo many armed men and you knew you didn't have a chance so you were glad when Steve along with Bucky were sent to help.

That's how you ended up doing months of cleaning, instead of missions, meaning you cooked, cleaned like washing up, paperwork of your teammates.

Natasha was nice enough to leave her own paperwork to herself to not over work you but that didn't mean you weren't tired, of course you stopped training with her as a way to show her you were mad at her.

But still the redhead knew, you wouldn't be mad for too long. When she found out that you were near to being kidnapped, she got scared.

The love of her life was in danger and she couldn't even save you. That's what got to her, that was the reason why she agreed to the punishment.

It kept you off the missions for a while, she knew you would be safe at the tower. Even if you were mad at her, giving her a cold shoulder most of the day, she knew you were safe.

Eventually she was going to talk to you, when things cooled off a little. But seeing how tired you were every night made her feel bad. She done this to you, with good intentions.

But maybe you didn't see it like that. Natasha never overthought before, she was there in the moment. But with you, she was afraid of losing you.

She loved you, so the thought of you getting brutally beaten, whilst she was so far away from you was taking a big toll on her. Seeing you clean and do everything else was easy to watch. To know that you were there.

That's what was happening right now. Everyone including you were in the living room. Well you was cleaning with headphones on, as after doing so many chores for months. You eventually got bored and just started to listen to music.

Helped to kill your time a little, whilst learning songs that you wanted to know. Being with the Russian has taught you some words. So whenever you heard a similar word you smiled, humming it silently.

Your back was to the door whilst you were washing up. In that moment the team went silence and your singing was exposed to everyone who had ears. Natasha's brows raised in amusement as she listened to what you were singing.

Everyone turned around to look at you. Half of the team understanding what you were singing and half was looking with confusion.

Tony was first to speak up. "Is she singing a Russian song?" He questioned as she looked over at Natasha.

She simply nodded with a big smile across her lips, she didn't know that her girlfriend was this talented. Thor smirked. "If my girlfriend sung like Y/n, I wouldn't even let her stop. I bet you are the same Natasha."

She would definitely beg you to sing for her many times if she knew that you could. She knew that you would be embarrassed about it but still follow through.

She still kept quiet as she listened carefully to your words. "Я заливаю глаза керосином...Пусть всё горит, пусть всё горит ( I fill my eyes with kerosene. Let it all burn, let it all burn )"

She nearly choked on the song choice that was spilling out of your mouth. Yelena, along with Clint, Thor and Bucky, looked over at Natasha for some sort of explanation. But there was none.

Yelena laughed, as she stared at her sister when you sang the words. "Выхожу на улицу гладить кота. А его переезжает тачка мента (I go outside to pet the cat. And he's being run over by a cop's car.)"

Shaking her head in disapproval. "What have you taught this poor innocent girl."

Natasha frowned. "That wasn't me. I mean I listened to this song whilst we trained but I didn't know she could sing it."

Tony was having the time of his life whilst he nodded his head at your singing. "Whatever it is, I love it. She will sing at the next event I have."

Natasha shook her head, knowing that when you find out what that songs means you'll be embarrassed to even face the team. Bucky smirked as he nodded his head. "I think that song suits you Natasha, maybe next time explain to your girlfriend what she is trying to sing."

You tried to sing the song perfectly but not knowing what it meant you mumbled most of the lyrics. Carol walked in as her jaw opened to hear the song leak out of your mouth.

"Why is everyone laughing? Someone tell her what she is saying." Carol walked over after waving at you with a fake smile.

Natasha sighed as she knew it had to be her. She nodded as she stood up, making her way towards you. Wanda rushed in as she heard it as well. Finding it all amusing at how you didn't even know what you were saying. Vision appeared, literally everyone was there. Tuning in on your conversation with the Russian.

Natasha gently tapped your shoulder, you looked over, saw her and went back to listening to the song. She sighed, yeah you were still mad at her.

She got closer, pressed herself against your back, taking the cloth out of your hand and the plate that you were wiping clean. Placing it all down as she spun you round to face her.

For a moment you forgot what you were mad about, this is the closet you two have been since the day you received punishment. Your hands hesitantly fell on her shoulders, whilst she took the headphones out.

"Y/n.. Sweetie.. Stop singing." She tried to say it nicely, but she set you off.

You narrowed your eyes at her. "Not only you ground me in the tower but now you're also telling me what to do."

"You know.. This is my choice if I want to sing or not. You can't tell me what to do." That was sometimes the issue with you. Instead of listening to why she said that. You put up walls and tried to deflect any attack on you.

She sighed as she placed her hand over your mouth, the other sat firmly on your hip. You loved when Natasha was dominant with you, it made her look a lot more sexier but not when you were angry.

"Not because I am trying to control you... But because you don't know what you are singing.." She approached it another way. She had to embarrass you for you to understand what she meant.

You swallowed thick at her words, eyes widen in fear at what your girlfriend was saying. So, she continued. "Have you even tried to look up the translation of the lyrics?"

You shook your head after Natasha took her hand away, this was on the Russian. She should've told you what it meant whilst yous were training. But she was so distracted by you and your body that songs just slipped her mind.

Her eyes darted towards the team, who somehow had popcorn appear in their hands. She narrowed her eyes at Wanda, who simply shrugged as she shoved more popcorn in her mouth.

That's when you got the hint that everyone heard you. Fear set when you looked over. You looked back at the redhead who had a cold expression across her face.

"Let me go. I need to go." You were slightly panicking, you never had anyone listen to you singing, you kept it quite quiet from literally everyone you knew.

Natasha's face softened up as she saw your panic. "Y/n it's okay-"

But you interrupted her. "Let. Me. Go." Your eyes flashes red and she moved away, causing you to storm out. Making the redhead sigh as she leaned back on the counter.

Moving to look at the team who now was looking anywhere but at Natasha. She rolled her eyes at them as she followed you out. It was easy to tell where you had wondered off. I mean she was your girlfriend after all.

As you sat on the balcony edge, looking down at the city. Natasha slowly made her way over to you. "Y/n.." She spoke softly, trying to get your attention so you don't get startled.

You sighed as you heard her, you knew she would follow you out here. "You know the whole point of walking out is not to be followed." You were bitter with right reasons.

It wasn't just the singing, it was the unresolved feelings that you both held. She knew that, she wanted to say something about it all the time but it never left her mouth.

She hummed softly, acknowledging your words. "I followed you out because I care Y/n."

You scoffed, rolling your eyes at her words. "I wonder where those words were, when I was punished for being the victim."

She knew you were right, how was she suppose to explain her feelings to you? It was all difficult but she had to. She took a deep breath. Looking at your side profile as she moved her hand over to yours. Gently taking it and intertwining it together.

"детка, I know you are mad. I would be too but I didn't do it if I didn't feel like it was necessary." Maybe it was the way she worded it, but that only made you more angry.

Your head snapped towards her, almost making her take a step back. "You're making decisions for me? Wasn't you the one who promised me that we would both take decisions as you never wanted me to feel the way you felt in the red room?"

That stung, but you were right. Natasha promised exactly that and she broke that when she decided your own fate. She sighed, feeling how you snatched your hand away.

Jumped off the edge and tried to make your way back inside the building, but Natasha had different plans for you. "I did what I did because I was scared."

Her words made you stop, you were still facing away from her but kept quiet so she could continue. "When I received the information that you were no where to be found. That your weapons along with most of your clothes were left at the scene. I thought I was going to die from how much fear I felt."

You never heard Natasha's voice that unsure. Her tone was always gentle and quiet when she opened up to you. Now you were facing the door as she spoke with an upset tone.

"It felt like the world stopped for a moment. The first thing I wanted to do was to rush over there but Nick stopped me. They knew that if I went everything could go even worse." She explained as her voice broke several times.

"I can't imagine my life without Y/n, how was I suppose to think straight when you were kidnapped. I knew you were scared I couldn't even be there." Tears were streaming down her face.

"I knew the second we found you, in that state of barely any conconse, I knew I needed you safely here. Where I could keep my eye on you."

"I know that I should've spoke to you about all of this, but I couldn't.." Her tone was just above a whisper. Yet you could hear her.

You turned your body around to face her. Tears sitting tightly on the edge of your eyelids as you stared at her. Maybe you didn't think this through.

Maybe you should've spoke to her after everything. You were so busy with trying to get over the traumatic experience that you didn't think how that impacted her.

The woman that you love with your whole heart. You were busy being angry at her for not comforting you when you needed it, when in reality it was both of you that needed each other.

A light sob came out of your mouth as you walked over to Nat. Hugging her tightly and melting almost instantly in the embrace. You missed her and you knew she missed you too.

No words were needed at this moment whilst she held you tightly against her. Like she haven't seen you for a long time.

You both were crying but you pulled yourself together. Pulling away as you looked at her. Sandwiching her face between your hands. "I'm sorry."

Her soft expression melted your heart and to be fair, if the Russian was honest. You were the only one who made her this open about her feelings.

She shook her head slightly with a small smile across her lips. "No, I am sorry."

You sniffled as her hands sat on your hips, holding you against her quite close. You could tell that she was telling the truth. You never had to doubt her from the way her eyes only looked for yours.

"I want to kiss you." Natasha choked out, letting a set of tears slowly roll down her cheek.

You smiled as you pressed your forehead against hers. Closing your eyes as you felt her breath hit your lips ever so gently. "What are you waiting for?"

She didn't need to say anything else, because thats all she wanted to do for the past months of you being angry. She wanted you close and just to feel your warmth against her lips.

She leaned in slowly as her lips brushed against yours. Feeling how soft your lips felt was really testing her. She missed you so much. Everything about you.

Zero thoughts were in both of your minds as all that you were really focused on, was feeling Natasha. Her hands tightly holding you, her lips against yours as you tried to keep your breath steady.

She pulled away just a little bit as she muttered out. "I love you" Before her lips collided with yours before you had the chance to say it back.

A slightly protest moan escape your mouth, you wanted to say it back but Natasha didn't let you. Her hands sliding around your body. Not letting you out of her arms.

The emotions changed quite quickly but could you blame yourself? You missed each other very much and being in her arms was the only place that felt like safety you needed right now.

Your fingers tangled in her hair and thats the only thing that was on your mind. The warmth-ish air breezing past the two of you as your embrace became more intimate.

That's what you loved about being with her. The power that you two can over come anything that stood in your way....

And make out whilst you are at it.

⸻⸻⋙☸⋘⸻⸻

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[accio-victuuri]

THE STORY OF THE 85 LOGO 🏍️

Since Yibo was spotted on the race track, the conversation around the logo is picking up again. This has been discussed so many times before & in bits and pieces but I want to give it a go and make my own version of it’s history. It’s a mix of the logo itself as well as the cpn speculation surrounding it’s origin. I’m not gonna talk about other related designer zz candies, this is only for the logo.

I used this video by R背靠大树好乘凉W as a guide on the timeline but i did my own fact checking and added a lot more points especially with Parts II-IV of this post.

I. THE ORIGIN

11/10/2018, Yamaha Racing Team weibo account posts the first look of the 85 logo. At this point, everyone already knew who this is supposed to be. It’s also cute how the time it was posted had the timestamp “28” which is Ai Bo, another clue.

“ driver number 85 is coming soon! “

1/19/2019, The same account officially shared that Yibo will be joining the MLT YAMAHA team for 2019 and Tracer 85 was born. Yibo also reposted this and replied with :

Happy New Year to all! ! ! ! ! racing career has begun! ! ! ! ☺️☺️☺️Please call me driver Wang Yibo! ! ! ! ～～～～～

1/29/2019, the draft for Yibo’s Tracer 85 racing suit was released by the weibo account. It prominently features “85”.

Now a key player in this whole designing mystery is DAINESE a company that describes themselves as: Dedicated to producing the most effective safety solutions in every arena where athletes continually push the human body and mind to surpass their prior achievements. From our motorcycle racing origins to alpine skiing, mountain biking, competitive sailing and outer space. So they posted about the racing suit itself as well as the helmet. Again, both things featured the 85 logo, along with other symbols that is an entirely different cpn on it’s own.

It’s so obvious that a professional company will make this for WYB. Even if we CPN that the logo was made by XZ, or even a rough sketch of it and passed on to Yibo, down to this company’s team to refine. There is just no way that XZ will write his name down as the owner of it, if we didn’t have that BTS video of their conversation about it then we won’t have a confirmation. Even if we have that video, there is still the probability that XZ didn’t follow through.

Then someone asked the company itself about the origin of the logo and they said WYB brought it himself.

The logo of No. 85 is not designed by us, it is brought by Yibo himself

Thank you for your support

If you look at the original post for the racing suit, the comments are all wf being so prissy about who designed it. I know that this post is supposedly about the 85 logo but the suit is a huge part of that. Also I think it’s about time to clear up the fact that cpfs are not trying to discredit anyone who made WYB’s gear. Why can’t we just be happy that he has a cool moto suit with the 85 on it? We are. We really are. It’s just that analyzing the elements within it is something that CPFs love to do. Not even for the relationship part of it but just to understand him better. The thing is, I don’t look at it and think only about how “handsome” yibo is. I also wanna know what it means. The details. This is something that represents him as a racer so I will naturally be curious about what’s on it. Not to say that so/os are shallow or anything, It’s just that we are two different kinds of fans. Our brains don’t work the same way. That’s fine. I wish people will one day accept that we all approach fandom in different ways. If you don’t like something— then ignore it.

So the conclusion here is, 85 was not an idea/logo made by the company DAINESE. Yes, they produced the gear and finalized everything. They were hired by YAMAHA to do so. However the one who drew that logo on a piece of paper is unknown.

Our best guess is Xiao Zhan. 🫶🏼

II. IMPORTANCE OF 85 TO YIBO

85 represents Yibo’s birthday, August 5. But it’s really became his “identity” when Tracer 85 was born. Even if he wasn’t racing, this number became a recurring theme & design with his endorsements. For example when he did a collab with Miniso, the goods had 85 on them.

He has moved to the “Panther” more recently but 85 and 0805 is still very much a Yibo’s thing. There are even endorsements that have 85 on the price they sell his items for ( example is Richora ).

So using 85 is not a spur of the moment thing and goes beyond his racing career.

III. OTHER SIGHTINGS ( of the logo )

Aside from the race track, the most important way the logo was incorporated was through merchandise. Whether it’s the custom phone case that only Yibo has —

or the infamous 85 cap which was repped by yinzheng. the sus part here is yibo commenting, only acknowledging the post but then yz had to reply back with : lemons grow on lemon trees, under the lemon tree there’s me. which means he is jealous and then yibo had to reply back with a series of emojis that makes things more suspicious.

sure, yinzheng can mean that he is jealous of the merch. that yibo has his own now and that the whole tracer 85 now goes beyond being a racer. but the cpf explanation to this is that he is jealous that wyb has someone that made this amazing logo for him too. it's really so cool to have your own designer at home.

a fan favorite would be this cap, released by Day Day Up in their WYB goods line back in 2020. What’s interesting is, the number of pieces available for it’s initial presale was 1005. LOL. 1005 is October 5, of course, XZ’s birthday. I think the number of pieces for a presale though not entirely up to yibo, may still be influenced by him. It could easily be 8500 pieces just to be meta but no. Why 1005? Is it a nod to the guy who made the 85 design? Plus if this logo was owned by Yamaha or Dainese, then why was it allowed to be used commercial by a completely different entity. Our answer is that it’s Yibo.

It’s curious that the cap received this special treatment, because out of all the merch sold in that line, it is the one that had the 85 logo in it’s original form. The rest had their own iteration of 85 but the cap is the closest to the “logo”. This is why a lot of fans, and CPFs specifically wanted to get it.

My favorite memory from when this line came out was the loud speculation about the logo and it’s connection to XZ. There were even talks of 🍤 buying something cause if XZ is the designer, then it’s also a XZ merch. This is the same year when 🍤 was going around SDC3 filming cause XZ was supposedly there. So yeah. This cannot be confirmed and no shrimp will ever admit but it was definitely a rumor going around that time. Looking back, that CPN was beneficial ( in a way ) to shrimps because it casts XZ in a good light. They know XZ’s capability so they can sort of agree to it. Not that we need so/o fans validating our opinions/speculations, but it’s a possible explanation to their reaction. Compared to motos who were angry with the association and insulted XZ. Implying that he isn’t capable, they can say that cause they don’t know XZ.

IV. Connection to Xiao Zhan “the designer” and candies

Turtles pointing to XZ as the designer is not only rooted in CPN, but the fact that making logos was his previous job. Even before the leaked video, it made sense to the community because after all, this is what XZ is good at. He’d done it for years in school and as a professional. There were photos of his previous work that leaked and he also talked about logo-making when he visited the bilibili office. Where he shared how frustrating it was to work with clients. More recently, in one his vlogs, we could see him explaining his thoughts on a visual logo for XZ Studio.

( video is about xz the designer, mostly talking about it during xfire / xnine days )

So his capability, closeness & familiarity with WYB at the time of the logo’s conception is key. CPFs are very familiar with how XZ makes art and logos for himself so to us it’s a rational speculation to think XZ had some influence on this.

There is another talk about Yuehua being the one who made it. They do have people who can make those right? However it was pointed out that with how they make logos for their other artists, it’s unlikely. They did claim the rights to the Panther, but the identity of the artist was left blank on the application. No one ever did claim ownership of this Logo or the Panther in public. Why wouldn’t they? It’s free promotion.

CPN Clues:

• 85 read as 28. Ai Bo + the Z.

• The Z is really my favorite clue 🥺🥺🥺🥺

• How it looks very similar to the M skateboarding logo. Which can also look like a 85.

• Some other explanation on what the 85 could mean. It’s XZ’s style to have hidden meanings aside from what you actually see.

• The minimalist design that screams XZ.

The 85 logo talk and cpn have really been in full swing when EVISU released those photos and I hope BXGs ( especially big accounts on the bird app and beyond ) will rein it in with the Xiao Zhan association. We already know how hostile the environment is so it’s best to not use his full name. It’s actually a common CPF way of doing things, not using their full names in our posts. As excited as we all were, the whole point was that tracer 85 is back, not the CPN. I know it’s tricky to find a balance with how our brains are wired, but you will learn. It should always be them as individuals first.

85 logo and all other “designer GG” is one of those CPN that is very popular and widely circulated in the bxg community — and with good reason. However, it is in no way to take away 85 from Yibo. It’s him. It is his brand and it will always be his.

This is one in a couple of “yizhan mysteries” out there that keeps the BXG flame alive 🔥. These (alleged) silent collaboration/s between them are so great because it shows how well they work together as a team.

-END.

[thewertsearch]

FCG: I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING SOMEONE ELSE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. FCG: IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN OUR SESSION. FCG: SOLLUX HAS THE SAME INTUITION ABOUT IT AS ME, HE THINKS THERE'S SOMETHING FII2HY ABOUT IT.

If Sollux is the one who smells a rat, then maybe the mechanism of the Mistake relates to one of his interests, such as coding. Sollux would surely notice the telltale signs of a botched ~ATH script, or other supernatural programming error. 

Sburb’s source code doesn’t control the Medium - but it did transport the kids there. Maybe they’ll try to reverse this process, opening a gateway out of the Incipisphere to escape their failed session - but since none of them can code properly, the program actually tears holes in unrelated sessions, such as the trolls’. 

FCG: HE SAYS HE'S WORKING ON TRACING THE ORIGIN OF THIS DISASTER.

I love how Kanaya’s sitting right behind the origin of this disaster. 

FCG: IN A WEIRD WAY I'M SORT OF LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING SOMETHING NEW TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT. FCG: IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR NOW ANYWAY.

I totally get it. The whole team must be...

Actually, let’s think about this. Now that I’m familiar with all the trolls, how do I think each of them is reacting to their failure? 

Aradia saw this coming, of course. Before the session, she was completely 0k with their inevitable failure - but now that she’s partially alive again, that might be about to change. We do know that she’s going to be uncomfortable with Project Trolling - but why? 

Tavros misses Prospit. That aside, he’s probably just happy to get to relax after their month-long campaign. 

Sollux is suspicious. Something has gone very wrong, and he suspects that the cause lies outside the session. Plus, he’s apparently been spending a lot of time with Feferi... 

Nepeta probably misses the outdoors. We don’t know much about her role in the session, so I can’t tell if she’s going to be heavily involved in the current crisis. What’s a Rogue to do? 

Kanaya is surrounded by her scared, confused teammates, and her level-headedness is surely being tested. She’s probably working closely with more reasonable trolls like Karkat, and desperately scanning Rose’s guide for any clues about their situation. Once she realizes the truth, she’s going to be livid. 

Terezi’s skills lie with people. She’s keeping a close eye on her peers, trying to figure out how they’re responding to this disaster, and who might become a problem. She also finds the whole thing kind of funny. 

Isn’t it awful, Vriska, to be forced into a loss through no fault of your own?

Equius probably blames the session’s failure on its lowblood leader. He might try to take command, but I think he’ll be distracted by relationship drama with Aradia. That one ain’t gonna last.

Gamzee hasn’t been paying attention, and still thinks the session is in full swing. He’s just chillin’. 

Eridan doesn’t understand what went wrong, and doesn’t care - he’s still struggling with the fallout of Alternian societal collapse. Unlike Equius, he has no relationships to distract him, and I’m expecting an actual coup attempt. 

Feferi has grown closer to Sollux, who is about to locate the humans. She’s probably involved in this search, since she’s going to unite the two races. 

FCG: LAST SWEEP'S EVE WAS PROBABLY THE LAST HAPPY MEMORY I HAVE IN FACT. FCG: WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO FOR THE LAST HOLIDAY? FCG: ANYONE? FCG: I REMEMBER MY LUSUS HAD BEEN GONE FOR DAYS AND I WAS STARTING TO GET WORRIED. FCG: BUT THEN HE FINALLY RETURNED, TRIUMPHANT. FCG: HE BROUGHT THE FRESH BEHEMOTH LEAVING INTO OUR HIVE, AND TOGETHER WE DECORATED IT. FCG: AND FCG: I DUNNO FCG: THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY, I'M GETTING A LUMP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER.

Alternia hates its young.

It hates them. It really does. They’re forced to prove their worth in the brooding caverns before they can even speak - and even if they survive, many of them will be murdered by the state for arbitrary reasons. They’re killed for being single, for being mutants, and for standing too close to a body of water, for fuck’s sake. This planet hates the children who call it home.

But they still have holidays. 

If that isn’t the most bittersweet thing I’ve ever heard. Alternia scoffs at art, fashion, peace and family, but in a strange twist of fate, it does not scoff at Sweep’s Eve - presumably, the troll equivalent of New Year’s Eve. On this brutal, pragmatic planet, these kids celebrate the simple joy of a new beginning - just like us. 

There’s a crumb of warmth baked into Alternian society, despite everything its leaders have done to stamp it out. 

FCG: I GUESS I'M DONE. FCG: I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW FCG: ON THE STEEL FLOOR OF THIS FRIGID METEOR DRIFTING THROUGH THE BLACK UNCARING VOID OF OUR NULL SESSION. FCG: NULL, KIND OF LIKE THIS MEMO I GUESS

For its inhabitants, this warmth can be rather hard to find... 

But it’s there. 

[cranquis]

This might not be the right place to ask but I always appreciate your insight on this hellsite. I recently finished undergrad and have started doing research to hopefully gain some industry knowledge and eventually go to med school. I have worked in emergency medicine for many years and it has really inspired me to pursue medical school with being an EM physician as a tangible end goal. My problem is that now that I am doing research it feels like the ball is going to drop at any moment. Like in clinic I get anxious that my subject will code while we are talking or seeing the paramedics transporting patients raises my heart rate. I feel fine and calm most of the time but I just have this nagging fear that something terrible is going to happen to my subjects or the people around me. And I know that I have clinic RNs and my MD nearby and I know where the crash cart is but it is still stressing me out. I don’t know how to rationalize it as I have never had any real anxiety or fear surrounding my time in the ED.

I guess the root of this question is that you probably saw a lot of intense things during rotations/clerkships/residency that were in high stress environments like the ED, how do you manage that working in an urgent care where things are less life and death most of the time - obviously there are still critically sick/injured people who show up there instead of the ED and the ED is getting the 2a medication refill requests, but I think you know what I mean.

Sorry if this is rambly, I just haven’t been able to see my ED people in a while and I can’t really talk about this sort of thing with many people outside of them. Once again I appreciate the insight that you bring to these sort of unique to healthcare situations, it has made dealing with patients and a failing system more bearable over the years.

Hello my aspiring colleague! I think I understand and empathize with where you're coming from.

The more you learn about what can go WRONG with a human body, the more you expect it to go WRONG. Like, any moment now. And when you're surrounded by the sickest of the sick, that starts to seem the norm. You expect This Guy, being transported for subacute cough, to crump... because you've seen other Guys with subacute cough crump.

[Crump: verb; to suddenly decompensate clinically, usually right after you told the attending that the patient looks stable.]

In a similar fashion, when I did my pediatrics rotations in med school and residency, I felt like Mrs Cranquis and I should never ever have children, because "look at all these tragically sick unfortunate children! Look at how suddenly these healthy kids can have an accident or develop symptoms from a hidden congenital condition!" It took a few years to put it into statistical perspective and realize that the odds of having a healthy child are actually better than 50:50.

But regarding your increasing worries that someone will crump in your presence - thankfully, the more you learn about what can GO wrong, and the more times you SEE things go wrong, the more you are also learning about what YOU can do to FIGHT wrong. This helps you fine-tune your anxiety into a Spider-sense -- an ability to be aware that your patient might crump even before they crump, which gives you the time to mentally (and clinically) prep for the worst and take steps to prevent it, to marshal your resources and colleagues and even make a "crump preparedness plan".

In fact, with a few years of experience, you learn to be grateful for that sudden ball of stress in your gut, as your subconscious points out the subtle clues that This Guy needs your full attention.

So I hope this helps give you the oomph to keep on going, friend!

[deckerroosevelt]

Chapter 6, part 4

   I was hurt by what Treacher had said to me. But he has a lot of stress right now I guess. But it won’t stop me. I want to prove that my human brain can actually understand this. And I have come to the conclusion that it is quite useful that nobody remembers me outside. Assuming the ones I’m looking for don’t remember me either. But that’s a risk I’m willing to pay. 

   I am going to go to the locations Harding has been spending his time. It would be no use to take anyone else with me as I couldn’t communicate with them and they couldn’t really help me. Good thing is that I won’t need any money for the trip. Makes life easier. I just need some food, water, my note taking stuff and a camera. 

   I had everything ready for the next morning. I would leave early so I went to sleep early. But first I had to plan a bit. 

   “My upcoming notes will be from a trip, I will plan here. Harding has been to Dorking, London and Birmingham. I am going to be asking around if people have seen Harding there. It will be challenging and I might have to repeat myself many times, but I’m hoping for any clues possible. I’m first going to go to Birmingham as I can come down from there then. London I will search lastly because he has been in a more vast area there. This trip will probably take three to four days but I’m not sure yet. I haven’t informed anyone about this, but if I’m in trouble, I’ll get a prepaid phone from a market.

     I have my camera, and I will try to take a picture of Harding because for now we have no pictures of him and it will make searching way easier for others if I’d get one. 

   The main reason I’m doing this is that Neda went missing looking for Harding. I don’t think his grapes affect Neda as she has shown me how she oils her joints. She won’t die from it. But I will try to find something about Avery especially when I get to Dorking and Whimbleton. There was definitely something off about her the last time I saw her.

   Wish me luck ”.

Seven

I hopped on a train leaving at 4:37 from Paddington. I would be in Birmingham at around twenty past seven if there are no delays. I had to change my seat several times as I didn’t have a ticket. I didn’t take anyone’s seat so I didn’t want to think I was a criminal. And if I had a ticket, they wouldn’t have checked it.

   I got off the train and the misty air surrounded me. It had been a cold night and I had felt it when I left. It’s still a bit chilly and it looks like rain. Winter is coming. 

   There were people everywhere and they filled my vision. Nobody noticed me and rushed on with a fast pace. People are always in a hurry, even this early. Is it so hard to just stay put for a while and enjoy the moment? But who am I to judge? I have never been in a hurry really. Nobody has expectations for me. I wouldn’t know.

   A drop of water landed on my nose. I took out my umbrella and started walking away from the train station. My legs felt heavy after the long train journey and a poorly slept night. I stopped by a corner shop to get a coffee. Nobody noticed me until the alarms went off. The high pitched sound sounded utterly familiar to me. No one came after me.

   I sat down at a bus stop and took out my notebook. It was a bit damp but not wet. I took out the map and started inspecting it. If I was here now, I would have to go that way and then turn on that street and hop on a bus there and get off here. I put the notebook back in my backpack and tried to shield it with my lunchbox from the water. I got up again and tried to memorise my way. There should be a hotel in that area where I could stay. Not a fancy one but there is everything I need for one night.

   I felt proud after I made it to the right area and the right road. Aston Hall road. The place wasn’t in the best condition, but I had seen worse. I wanted to locate the hotel first so I wouldn’t have to be outside too late. It wasn’t really safe here in my opinion. It was a tavern and looked quite cosy actually.

   I had marked the spot with a red marker on the map. It was in Aston park right in front of the Aston Hall. I had noted that the remains of the victim were setted up perfectly in the middle of a round spot of grass. The limbs were arranged to form something that looked like a human, but some pieces were in the wrong places. I wondered if it was intended to be found or why had he done it that way. This was the oldest case from him that I could find.

   I stood there thinking what would Harding do after murdering a human being. This happened about at the same time he went missing, so I’d assume it was his first victim. But in what state of mind was he? Had he gone totally mad at the time or did he have emotions still left. He had been on a holiday with Avery here before he went missing. They might have had a house here since Avery said that they visited Aston once to twice a year in the missing report. Or they were regulars in some hotel. I wonder if Avery is still coming here.

[lifezvictory]

Okay, so today’s (technically yesterday’s since I’m writing this post at midnight but I don’t really consider it to be the next day until I either go to sleep, or the sun comes up, whatever comes first) episode of SaMS was very emotional, to say the least. Normally I don’t write posts about those because my possibly neurodivergent brain (haven’t been officially diagnosed but I’m almost certain it’s true) doesn’t really know how to formulate coherent, smoothly flowing pros about hyper-emotional stuff, especially when I’ve recently been exposed to it. But, I have some thoughts that I have to share, so I’m releasing them into the chaotic bowels of Tumblr. (These thoughts, of course, contain spoilers for the latest episode so only click read more if you’ve seen it or are willing to be spoiled.)

So, I have a feeling that Eclipse is really, truly dead this time. And when I first got acquainted with this orange menace, I would’ve been extátic at this. I was the first time he “died.” But now? I’ve actually got mixed feelings.

On one hand, Eclipse really was a terrible person and he kind of deserved what he got. But on the other? I’m a little disappointed with the writers’ decision. Because, it felt like they had been leading up to a redemption ark for Eclipse. All this talk about him having nobody and no purpose, I just felt like it could have been leading up to something bigger. And even though I used to hate Eclipse with a burning passion, I have read two amazing fanfics that did an ark for him insanely well, and I would have loved to see the original creators of this character’s take on it. Although, there was a part of me that thought it might not go that direction because in one q & a, someone asked if Eclipse could be redeemable, to which Sun and Moon understandably denied and I thought could possibly be the opinion of the creators themselves, and not just Sun and Moon’s.

The little scene near the end of the video, with Eclipse and Solar Flare in the mindscape right before their death really got to me, especially with Eclipse’s reaction. He was genuinely terrified unlike his first version’s death, and I’m pretty sure the guy went through the five stages of grief in those thirty seconds or so. It resonated with me because it humanizes (animatronicizes?) Eclipse, showing that he fears death as much as anybody else, but it’s also relatable to me, personally, because I have quite a bit of anxiety surrounding my own death.

One thing, or rather one person that i feel like people aren’t focusing enough on however, is Solar Flare. I know many people didn’t care about them much (The Blue Guy, in his video talking about SaMS lore said that they’re basically just Eclipse’s minion which fair) but they always held a special place in my mind. I felt like there was so much possibility for their character, especially the way the lore episodes were going. They were just developing, or at least appearing to develop, sentience and a personality/identity of their own, only to be killed off along with Eclipse when they hadn’t really done anything wrong. They were only following their programming to serve Killcode when he was evil, and actually seemed to be forming into a decent person before their demise. Only for all that potential to just be wiped away in an instant, with not many people taking notice, in universe or out. Eclipse was the only person who got to know the true them, if only slightly, and he never even appreciated them or treated them well. Hell, I don’t think Solar Flare even got a single positive interaction with anyone in their entire short existence. Yet they still somehow managed to remain so well-intentioned and wise? (I have to continue writing my Solar Flare-centric fic in their memory)

In real life, death is just like that. It cuts lives short, removing vibrant beings with lots of potential (I have no clue what happens after death but I’d like to think of it as a permanent absence and not an absolute destruction for the sake of my sanity.) But, this is fiction. And there’s a point where I’d just rather not have fiction be quite this realistic and devastating, you know?

The fact that Solar Flare was so accepting of their death made it even more heartbreaking for me, personally. They were completely accepting of it, and didn’t seem afraid at all (although it could be because they weren’t yet emotionally developed enough to express it.) This, to me, meant that they had nothing left to live for, and felt as though they no longer had a purpose. And for me who, as you would know if you’ve been reading my posts for a while, likes Solar Flare quite a lot, it devastated me. I want to give Solar Flare a big hug.

I’m not sure how to end this post. But, that’s my thoughts on the latest lore. I think this was probably the longest post I’ve made to date.

[myonlyaccomplishmentismydog]

I can’t sleep again

I can’t shake of the feeling, my brain hurts from trying to redirect these negative thoughts. Every time something’s good, it always gets worse ten fold, I don’t mean to sound dramatic that’s just been my experience but worst is getting rejected, especially me as a women that’s in there mid twenties, I’ve always been unliked by the men I was attracted to but it’s so painful still. Now I just wonder if I’ll ever have a chance, if the only attribute people see is how pretty a woman is. I’m not smart, I’m not talented, I suck at learning, I’m chronically ill, I have too much childhood trauma and still live in an unstable household. I’ve tried so hard to work on myself to see a way out, I’ve done therapy so many times, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t and it’s these little things that chip away at me. My brain is on fire, my chest hurts, why would I send him that? I’m so disrespectful for sending him that when I didn’t even know whether or not he felt the same. How could I even think he liked me when all the clues were there but I let my friend’s voice give me false hope. Now I feel so stupid, I opened that part and now I’m hurt and I have to see this person at school everyday. It also sucks that I feel old, I’m about to be 26 and I’m still trying to finish my undergraduate , granted when I finished high school and started school for a year and a half, I left then joined the military, then took a few years raising my dog (to be a service animal but I failed at that too) and working while trying to deal with my mother and little sisters. Still though, I am so lonely because there’s no one who understands or is willing to understand, I just can’t truly connect with people and as soon as I feel too lonely I fall apart. I become annoying and volatile. How can I keep doing life like this, constantly self sabotaging? I had locked that part of myself but now all I want again is so desperately to be loved by someone who I’m attracted to, so many times it’s one sided either for me or for the person who likes me, and I just can’t force myself to like them so I understand the people that reject me but it still hurts like hell. I’m usually in such a deep depression that it’s hard to redirect my thoughts cuz everything has no meaning or joy but I think I can’t stop because I don’t live for myself, my family depends on me though it’s a heavy burden, all I wanted was a sense of security and unconditional love, something that I never received from even those I’m related to, how could I realistically expect it from others?

I don’t even have any real friends, they say in therapy,surround yourself by those who love you but what if you don’t have any of those?

I have a huge assignment I haven’t finished that’s due later today but I couldn’t will myself anymore, I’m a stem major and this is meant to be hard but I’m so overwhelmed and wonder if I’ll ever get better. I constantly fail my exams and I can’t do my homework without help, I’m a fraud. How can I get into grad school? How do I even graduate college? I want to just disappear from this pain.

I think though, if I’m being honest, this is unfair because I have to clean up the trash left behind from my abusers, I have to pick up the pieces and pretend to be a whole person in society, after all that, they still have their grip on me.

[weirdgirlpilled]

do u think reigen is neurotypical?

you know what, out of all my mob psycho analysis inside my head… i’ve never really thought about it.

disclaimer: mostly i focus on characters being possibly autistic (as it relates to my experience) but here’s some more thoughts under the cut- thanks for prompting this anon! :) really enjoyed sorting this out in my head and pondering it!

i think it’s important to recognise author’s intent for characters (while it’s not the sole thing that matters and i think characters in media are free from the author after release and completion from the media) and i don’t think one intended for ANY of the characters in mob psycho to be explicitly autistic- yet, as an autistic person, i read them as so. i think someone’s interpretation of characters can be equally valuable and often influenced by their own experiences.

HOWEVER, that being said… a big part of his character is the mask he puts on to be more likeable, is it not? which is… you know. masking. could shigeo and reigen’s mentor-mentee relationship be read as an older autistic person pretending to understand how to navigate the neurotypical world we live in and a younger autistic person using their example (which isn’t legitimate as the older one still would struggle but can outwardly mask better) for genuine self improvement and finding this fake example useful? very possibly!

and that’s not even considering that you phrased the question as neurodivergent! i’m mainly speaking about autism here, because that’s my type of neurodivergency and the one i have the most experience and insight in because of my individual experience, however, that opens up so many more different ways reigen can be read- i do particularly like the reading of reigen with adhd- i don’t know how i’d verbalise why i like it, it’s more of a feeling (LOL)

my main personal reading of mob psycho is that being an esper is a metaphor for autism, with the struggles they go through. but where does that leave reigen’s pretence at being an esper? maybe as a neurotypical pretending to have a savant skill? but i don’t feel that’s apt for reigen. i think maybe reigen is a more apt metaphor for a different type of neurodivergency in this situation. perhaps depression? (however, despite her not being an esper, i do read tome as autistic but i THINK that’s just my own projection onto her- don’t know where under this metaphor she’d technically fit in).

so in conclusion: do i think reigen is intended to be neurotypical? probably- but i also think all mob psycho characters are, because of lack of any outside context clues from one. however the individual’s reading from the source material is far more important. do i personally read reigen as autistic? probably not, but i think there are very good points as to why someone would. but do i think he as a character in my own reading is neurotypical? no. i probably need to do a little more research surrounding adhd, and i probably do read him as depressed.

[shadypaperobservation]

Can we Guess which of your SO’s Qualities you Love the Most.

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[pascalepalaces]

"We Lock Lips" in Juked Magazine:

08.02.21

by Pascale Potvin

after Seduced: Inside the NXIVM Cult

That gripe of the city women with the men that tell them to smile—I do sympathize.

I’d accidentally joined a cult, at about nineteen. The members had claimed they’d help me find myself; I’d had no clue what ‘finding oneself’ might even entail, and so I’d figured I was the ideal candidate.

The company had created all of these personal development programs, and healthy lifestyle bootcamps, and all the more countless intensives. I had come to find, in the decade following, that finding oneself should be right down to the bone.

A similar sentiment was expressed to me, too, in more literal terms.

It would just be like digging into myself for gold, I thought; I knew I’d be happy if I was as thin as the others, that they were keeping me accountable in a way I couldn’t alone. I had paid a small debt, too, when I didn’t do my readings; my friends were only paving the roads on which I could push inward.

They did stop pretending, eventually, that the digital parts of my debt weren’t going up the ranks to the one man in the company—the only man, of course, that we’d ever need. Kenneth even broke the gap by texting me directly and often, asking for more pictures whenever he’d heard I’d eaten more than appropriate.

Though it was all innocent I was also all the way attracted to him, I will admit. How couldn’t I have been, knowing his mind, an aphrodisiac? Kenneth was playing Mozart by the age of six; he’d invented a new mathematics at just fourteen; he’d written books of philosophy in his twenties and boisterous prose. He knew he’d solve the hunger crisis as soon as he had the right influence; which teenaged girl wouldn’t worship such virtues no matter how aged?

So, like the others, I stared at every movement of his mouth as one would the Louvre’s latest.

Still, something was inexplicably wrong within me.

You don’t look too happy about it, Kenneth had responded to one November photo, just as I was turning back toward the road home. He had me stop in my tire tracks, again, to keep trying for a grin genuine enough for judgment.

I couldn’t understand why I kept screwing it all up, in the first place. I’d thought of him for so many miles of drives, had often rocked too far into the gas pedal; this task, for me, should’ve been easy. And yet ever since the start of our one-on-one classes I could only hold heat in my stomach.

Even once I managed an acceptable photo (good, but shave yourself when you get home, he’d reminded), I couldn’t feel the same indestructible that I had after his first teachings. The first part of myself I’d sent him had left me high, really believing maybe I could do anything;

It was devitalizing, not reaching something I’d once so easily held.

“So, did you finish your journal?” Alice asked when she found me loading the fridge.

“Yes. Almost,” I mustered for her.

“You know that I wanted it earlier.”

“Of course. But you asked me to fetch the groceries.”

“You know that making excuses only holds yourself back more,” she spoke, in almost a song. “I think I want you to get an early start tomorrow."

Early starts were always exactly four, inconsiderate of night classes prior.

“That isn’t really fair. I just couldn’t do it today," I retried.

But Alice no longer acknowledged me—and so I only put food away as she ate toast.

In a predictable pattern, I couldn’t enjoy my bath that evening either. My skin was still much hotter than the water surrounding me, my eyes still wetter.

Why couldn’t I get comfortable with anything? I had to wonder. What was I missing? Why was I not by some universe allowed to have what the other women had much more?

For months I had tried to tell Alice that I needed intervention—some extra guidance (please, I really needed it)—but she only ever told me I should work harder. I was the only one who could ultimately decide my own fate, with some help from Kenneth whenever he spared it.

After that, things had only seemed more hopeless.

Yet I started to think that if I acquired some proof that my concerns were solid, or a concrete example of how deeply my mind was wounded, then I’d only have to wait for our next family photo and then, she would see. (It was as I was moving my razor up my thigh that I had the quivering idea.)

Nothing happened, initially, when I moved the handle the wrong direction; I did it again just before the blood appeared, bringing with it a ringing pain. I gasped, the water around me.

I was on earth again, escaping.

A different panic came shortly, of course: there was no way Alice should see what I’d done. What an idiotic idea had overcome my idiot head, in its upset; now, everyone would come to see the cuts, and whether she would sympathize would depend on her mood.

Leaving the tub, I held some wet toilet paper against myself and searched the cabinet for some first aid. There was just one bottle of hydrogen peroxide, which bubbled and burned along with my stifling throat.

Later, I settled for toilet paper held up with tape.

There was no group photo for a few days thereafter, and so the first to see my marks was Kenneth at our next meeting. I was surprised to find he didn’t respond to my disrobing but to ask,

"What is it that you were punishing yourself for? Did it help?”

At that, I didn’t want to say anything wrong. “Not smiling well enough,” I mumbled. “And yes, I think it did.”

Kenneth nodded, and the most surprising part—the one that spread up from its cage in my chest through my neck—was when he lifted his head from its place between my legs and stood.

It was the first time I’d seen something in his pants, aroused.

I practically ran when he dismissed me, my vision all in swirls. He was supposed to be celibate beyond human capacity; he’d claimed he never took pleasure from the techniques. They were only for my benefit, meant to help me solve my issues with my body, with general vulnerability.

What had made his hardness too hard to conceal, this time? Was it my cuts? The idea that I’d bled? That I’d bled for him?

If it was just pain that made him bloody in one place, then, how could it be true he wanted us all to find joy?

Alice approached me the next morning, told me she’d like to go over my cuts with a cauterizing pen—to prevent infections, because of our minimalist healthcare, she justified—and I suspected she was making an excuse to brand me for him.

“You finally went out of your comfort zone this week. Let’s keep that rolling,” she was saying, with a coffee-stained sigh at my resistance. “If you get through this most intense pain, think about all the pain that’ll be so manageable in comparison.”

If I were to deny her request or, God forbid, leave entirely, I’d be more punished and my photos spread like spider legs. The cauterizing collateral. That video of me, forced to moan for my deceased father—it’d release like my body never could since the filming.

I had no choice but to take Alice’s advice, one way or another.

So, I accepted it not quite the way that she’d described.

I cut again, much more in the bath that night—this time all over the arms, again showing skin, finding myself in all of my blood and of course bone. Should I have gone even further?, I am wondering. Carved myself into the tiny thing of a woman Kenneth so desired?

Had he been taking secret pleasure, too, every time he’d kissed all of our cheeks and then our lips?

I went to the backyard before dawn and pushed my arms into the wet dirt, digging. I ran some blocks north, did the same in the garden of Blair and Beth and Jenny. I repeated and repeated. Digging for tetanic treasure. Looking for some lockjaw.

[alldaysarenights]

The magic of books

I have no idea, if this article will make sense to anyone. But Tumblr is a magic place where people tend to accept the weirdness in others, so you might even find those ideas I'm introducing appealing. Who knows? Certainly not me, I tend to hide from human interaction, as I don’t understand it, but at least I make an effort to try. 

Ever since, books have been a strange thing to me. When I was young, I tended to look at comics, but not read the bubbles. The pictures were enough, that’s how my brain worked back then and still does occasionally. But then there was my first book, Harry Potter, if you must know. (Side note: I won’t go into detail here, as I learned that the Author isn’t as nice a person as I imagined her and I would presumably start to rant. So to save time, let’s not speak about it) It got me to fall in love with the written word. 

A while back, I applied for a job as librarian, didn’t get the job, but I got something else out of it and that was a question, I took home. Breeding about it. Why didn’t I own a library card? 

It’s not because I don’t like libraries. I’m not very fond about the choice of colours in ours, to be honest. The architect could have learned something about the psychology behind colours, but that’s not the point. I remember visiting the school library, back when there still was one. And I’m not quite sure. But I think there also was one at the local church. Yet as a child I didn’t have the possibility to go to town often. Also, nobody told me about the big, public library. And when the surrounding others got closed down, something magical happened. It wasn’t obvious to me, back at the time, but books started to find me, or precisely their way towards me. I never had any troubles to read the books I wanted or needed to. 

My pocket money was all spend on mangas and even though we were poor, my mum took me to special outlets where I was allowed to pick up on all my Stephen King books. Somehow people kept gifting, lending or simply throwing books at me. There was no other reason as for me, carving to read everything that found its way into my hands. Except maybe for books about mathematics, I even nearly destroyed one school book back then, and I would never dream about causing dog-ears to a book. 

Anyway, books kept turning up out of nowhere, even without a library card, and once I’ve started earning money I’ve invested it to start my own library. Something every literate person will do at a certain point. Yet I still find it interesting how books connect to each other and leave traces for you to follow. I will use one example here, that I've found quite interesting, and that hopefully will illustrate what I mean. Apologies in advance, as it’s on an actual topic. I just think that makes understanding my point a bit easier. I could be totally wrong about everything that follows, the thing is just, that my intuition and by that I’m talking about the little Sherlock inside my head, is certain, that I am right here. Well, time will tell. If I’m erroneous, my apologies (again). It’s built into human nature, to learn from mistakes (at least I hope so). 

Like many folks on here, I did watch Good Omens, and ever since, it kept rattling through my brain, as the build up is amazing, and it is written so well and done even better by the whole team, no doubt about that. 

The thing is, at one point I got tired of the depression that season 2 caused me, so I decided to distract me, reading a book about introversion, namely: Quiet by Susan Cain. This book had nothing to do with angels or stuff that would trigger me, so I thought. It was just an interesting read after I’ve watched her TED talk. But I wasn’t prepared for the magic that books work sometimes. There was a sentence, just one. It mentioned the speech for liberty of Patrick Henry and quoted his famous words: “Give me liberty, or give me death!” 

Boom, there it was, a clue, so shiny and bright, I couldn’t ignore it. My physical response made it impossible, to focus on anything else, where should I put all this adrenaline? To say I have been distracted from the book would be an understatement. I did write an article about my theory, on my main blog and have been super excited. Later on I even found, can’t remember exactly where, but I think it was a tweet, where Neil said something like how hard it was to find a name for a coffee shop that wasn’t already used. This made me laugh. Don’t know if this was intentional at the time (for all we know, writers are liars), or just a happy coincidence, but looking on the coffee shop I definitely know how it played out. 

I’m not here to share the whole thing of my theory for S3. I decided that I know as much as I can from the clues given, and that’s enough to still enjoy the thing. Just mentioned it, because I like how everything ties together in the end. I even found another, I’m not so sure about, but this one will remain secret, for now. 

What I tried to show you is, how things are connected in the most unexpected ways. And that reading widely will expand the knowledge and fun of the thing. At least everything builds up on each other. How did Holmes put it? There is nothing new under the sun. 

Not even for Arthur Conan Doyle. As this quote can be traced back to the bible (Ecclesiastes 1:9 in the Old Testament). If you happen to read Edgar Allan Poe, especially the short stories about his detective Dupin, you might even have noticed, that the tone slightly reminds one of Watson. And we know that Doyle was a fan of Poe. 

So, I guess, I’m closing this very long article with a final thought. Everything goes in circles, and if you trust that you’ll find what you need right now, it will find you eventually. If you keep looking or in this case keep reading, even though you might not know what. Trust your instincts and read what comes to your hands or sounds interesting right now. Surprise yourself. The best thing is, that sources of information aren’t limited to reading, you can find them everywhere, if you focus hard enough. Who knows, it might be a source of inspiration. 

[welcometomy20s]

December 27, 2022

I consider myself a rational person, but what that really means is that I’m very good at rationalizing whatever I hear is true. I’m not that good at being an honest and truthful person, in fact perhaps my rationality makes me more disposed to lie and be fooled.

Back when I was in 5th grade, I entered into my first recital. I was wearing stuffy clothes, surrounded by serious people, listening to serious music. All of this made me uncomfortable, it looked as though no one was having fun, and I felt like I needed to do something. So I fidgeted quite a lot, and grumbled a bit.

My mom scolded me for the above behavior and I tried to explain myself above these lines and my mom exploded with anger. It is only now that I realize I was being nervous, this was my first recital after all, and that if I had said I was nervous, my mom would still scold me but she would be more understanding.

I could rationally rattle out all the reasons for hours but the emotional word, nervous, immediately clues the listener into all of those reasons. Emotions are a powerful construct in that sense. It can effectively communicate what is otherwise an absurdly complex situation for others.

Hence my immense distaste for the people who worship rationality and reason above all others. If there is one lesson that permeates my journey through life is that emotional knowledge is much more powerful and useful than whatever rationality has to offer. 

There is a book called Enigma of Reason that starts out with two questions - First, why are we alone in our world? If we believe intelligence is an evolutionary beneficial trait, why don’t more species… have it? Perhaps intelligence is not beneficial at all, some might posit this as a solution to the Fermi Paradox. Intelligent beings are just not preferred in our universe. Second, why are we terrible at making decisions? Rationality is supposed to help us in decision-making, right?

Previously, I used a variation on the Two Envelope Paradox to illustrate why rational approach of ‘expectation value’ fails to work and why our brain is primed with ‘irrational’ concept of loss aversion. To simply put, expectation value usually comes in the form of an infinite series, which only works when the value is absolutely convergent. Many of our situations do not create an absolutely convergent series and therefore we move onto the next best thing, which is loss aversion, which is more general.

Also previously, I talked about sub-optimization, as in general intelligence requires a being to optimize… what is to optimize. This makes sense as a general intelligence has to switch tasks given certain input, if the input wants us to identify an object and then later ask us to finish a game level, then we need to infer from the input what the goal should be. Reason comes from this region, as in reason is a set of intuition about intuitions. As I wrote before, doing lots of communication helps us reason, as it helps us understand the rhyme and rhythm of… well, intuitions. But this does not help any be more grounded in reality. 

The recent spate of artificial intelligence has been going around the news and the discourse lately, and they all suffer from the same problem. All these AIs are very good at reasoning, knowing the rhyme and rhythm of things, but they have little to no intuition, and hence they are never capable of producing any kind of art, as they don’t have an idea to express, merely an interpretation that is good enough.

The conclusion in the Enigma of Reason is similar to one that I and others had about the need of science. Ultimately, reason is there to provide concurrence. We all have intuitions about the world, but science is there to coordinate and present the intuition within a mesh of intuition networks. This is why I fret when people complain about science proving something ‘obvious’. Science’s job is not to prove new truths, but to concur old truths. Participatory science is powerful for this reason. Science gives a firm backing for intuitions had by the community to be explained to the general public.

Current problem with AI starts with a starved input. As Jackson famously points out, one could read and experiment with color but if you did not experience color, then you are missing the intuition about color. These AI are all childs in Jackson’s experiment. There has been no efforts to improve the input of AI. Inputs are a secondary thought to these researchers, indeed they are too focused on the rationality of the AI, rather than trying to build a good set of intuition. Not only do they not check for copyright of these things, but they do not check for possible biases within the data and train the AI to spot and correct these biases.  

[nanakithewarrior]

onewinged-tragedy​:

He had been succeeding in ignoring the beasts like the simple creature he believed him to be, or tried to, but that smooth and sure voice, and the gently spoken yet sharply worded question had him snapping his head in the red ones direction.

“Tch!” was his only answer at first. This creature, he didn’t deserve an answer, not in the least, and he did not intend to give him one. But the question did cause his mind to swim for an answer anyways.

Because, truthfully…he didn’t entirely understand what love felt like. Unless love was…the devotion, the commitment, the sacrifice he gave, all of it, to Mother.

Was that love? If it was….was it not supposed to feel like…more? His gaze narrowed on the red one once more, slit pupils like thing lines between his eyelids.

“And just what do you, a beast within his kin by his side, expect to tell me about love, whether I’ve felt it or not? Forgive me if I can’t imagine you have much to offer.” he scoffed, the harsh response and the cruel laugh to finish hiding his own conflicted head and heart and the state the red creatures question had left him in.

From inside the cage he was held in, Nanaki… or so called “Subject Red XIII” now… observed the boy with a mix of distrust and, to some degree, pity.

He hadn’t been long in here since his capture. A month or so, barely enough to get over the shock of his new surroundings. Enough time to get familiar with the sensation of cold metal floor beneath his feet, the many unfamiliar noises of whirring machines coming from everywhere. The complete absence of nature. It was as though he’d been torn away from the Planet entirely.

In this alienating place, he did what he could to find relief by observing and interacting with what little resembled life in this place. The scientists and guards were met with avoidance and distrust, hostility slowly bubbling inside his heart, possibly enough to overcome his cowardice. It was only to the other ‘subjects’ that he would grant some conversation.. or attempts to do so. Most of them were not so keen on language.

All but this one. The four-legged creature had observed him come and go in the laboratory, seemingly granted a degree of freedom that Nanaki could not. But he was not a real human being, that much he could tell. If the scent wasn’t enough of a clue –. and it was – his reptile-like eyes all but confirmed it.

Their exchanges had been short and often ending as soon as they started, usually with some snappy retort from the two-legged one. He looked a little unstable as far as emotions went. There was something stirring inside him. Something dangerous, that Nanaki didn’t wish to trigger.

But he felt that magnetic attraction that came when crossing gazes with someone of a similar life stage. Turbulent teenagers seemed to have a particularly stronger scent than normal, be it because of all of the hormones– or poor hygiene. He wasn’t one to pry. And so, he still spoke.

The last thing he’d said had perhaps hit a little too close to home for the silver-haired, if his reaction was anything to go by.

“You don’t need to be with kin to be loved.” He corrected him, muzzle resting over crossed paws, a pair of half-lidded ochre eyes looking up at the slim figure past the bars of metal that divided them. “When I was born, I was entirely dependant on my caretaker. Cubs like me are born blind, deaf, and unable to control body temperature. Left on their own, they wouldn’t even know when to eat, or release, or sleep. I would have died, were it not for someone who looked after me for weeks and weeks until my eyes finally opened. That is love. Unconditional care, without anything to gain in return. Even at your own expense and risk, at times.”

[ihaveatheoryonthat]

Synchronoise

This is kind of a conglomeration of @hoofpeet ‘s take on one way telepathy and @dragonofthedepths version.

Note: This is unfinished and I likely won’t be returning to it. It ends abruptly and is littered with placeholders/notes. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, you’re better off skipping this. 

---

Emmet has no clue what dictates their broken telepathy, but whatever is at the control panel turns that switch again roughly one week after he’d last heard from Ingo. At that time, his brother had been dealing with [idk], and, for a second, he wonders if that was still an ongoing problem. Then the actual words register.

“Is this normal for me? Did… I just forget?”

Ah. It’s another one of those days. Sympathy pangs in his chest, but there’s nothing to be done; he wishes so badly that there was. It’s difficult to hear and, he suspects, worse to live through.

The pang redoubles, and he’s briefly taken off guard.

“Worrying again? I suppose it’s difficult not to when one has so much on his plate. Hopefully [idk] has been resolved, at least; that would give him some breathing room.”  It’s followed by a pause, and the impression of a heavy sigh, “What in Sinnoh’s name is that?”

Emmet disregards that last part, unable to move past the allusion to [w/e]. There was no reason for that to follow the line of [thought]-- if Ingo was responding to his thoughts, and he’d been reacting to Ingo’s…

“Can you hear me?”  He asks, urgent and anticipatory.

There’s a puzzled psychic silence, followed eventually by, “...what?”

“Yes or no, Ingo. Can you hear me?”

“Yes…?”

Without meaning to, he laughs aloud, triumphant. [?] spares him a look, but quickly goes back to work.

“I did not trigger any change in our connection. Did you do something to alter it? Whatever it was. Don’t do it again.”

��I was just making the rounds, so I’m uncertain what could have happened. I-- I’ll endeavor not to reverse on the tracks, but given the circumstances...”  Ingo doesn’t follow up on what his circumstance entails, opting, instead for, “You consider this normal, then? Do we speak like this often?”

“Always. We’ve been connected our entire lives.”  Emmet says instantly, and the reality that he can finally help is overwhelming. There are so many things he wants to confirm, to clarify or correct, but for now, he has to understand what’s going on. “Can you elaborate on the complication you’ve encountered?”

“Our entire lives...”  Ingo repeats, and, briefly, Emmet gets a vague sense of his whirling thoughts, but with their link back in working order, it’s not the bombardment it could have been, “Pardon me. Yes, I believe that would be mutually beneficial; you will be able to tell me if something is out of the ordinary, correct?”

He can only hope the [hesitation] doesn’t come across as he says, “As they pertain to the both of us, yes. I can. If you are referring to Hisui. Then no.”

“That’s… precisely what I meant to ask you about. Do I make a habit of falling into a new station every few years?”

“...No?”

There’s a short, “Ah.”

“Is that what happened? You fell and landed in Hisui?”

“I’m unable to say how I arrived in Hisui with any certainty.” / “However, that is how I landed… uh, here.”

“You… do not know where you are. It is not within Hisui?”  He barely waits for the negative before going on to [say] “Describe your surroundings to me.”

“I stepped out of a cave.”  Ingo says, and that much at least, he [says] with a confidence that quickly abandons him, “It appears to be a settlement, though far larger than anything I’ve ever seen. There seems to be some manner of… thing sunning itself on the stone walkways? It resembles a Garchomp in the very loosest sense.”

“I see.”  Emmet lies, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are there any landmarks beyond this ‘thing’?”

“There’s a spire in the distance.”  He returns after a moment, and there are so many famous towers across the world it’s impossible to say-- for all Emmet knows, his brother could be looking at Johto’s Tin Tower-- but then he adds, “This is going to sound rather ridiculous, but I believe some of these houses are made of glass.”

“Please,” Emmet thinks without moderating himself, already out of his chair and waving [?] off. To Ingo, mentally [waving off] the confusion his outburst incited, he asks,“You mentioned something sunning itself on a walkway. Is there a building at the track’s end?”

“The glass ones, yes.”

“At the other end.”

“Yes, there is.”

He turns his head and stifles relieved sob into his elbow, running blind for several steps. Fortunately, no echo of it comes across in their conversation, “Good. I want you to enter that building and ask for Skyla. Ideally, you will stay there. But if she has reason to take you elsewhere, relay her directions and follow them.”

Though they haven’t spoken in [timeframe?] Emmet can still read the discussion’s flow and, before Ingo settles on a particular set of words, he says, “Wait for me. I will be there as soon as I am able.”

[There’s a vague affirmative, wondering re: the plane-- he’s told Emmet will explain later, or he can ask Skyla about it]

He steps onto the first west-bound train through the station; it only takes him so far as Driftveil, but that will be enough. Already, he’s working on how to get through the next two stops as fast as humanly possible, humoring the stray thoughts that make it his way, and Ingo’s continuing sense of bafflement. A minute and thirty seconds into the commute, he receives a breathless call from Skyla.

“You need to get over here right now, Emmet.” She says immediately and, after a second’s consideration, follows it up with, “Hi.”

He tilts his head and angles his Xtransceiver to show the interior of the car he’s riding, “I am already on my way.”

“You’re Emmet.”  He hears at the back of his head. It’s less an epiphany, and more two cabs of thought that, while linked for some time, have only just departed together.

“I am! You spent a verrrrry long time trying to remember me.” / “Thank you. I know it was not easy.”

He catches the barest hint of something self-deprecating in reply, and immediately throws it out of the conversation.

The real world [conversation] he’s having continues as Skyla opens her mouth as if to protest what seems, to her, a coincidence, but catches herself midway there, “Your weird twin thing’s back?”

In the background there’s a [?] “We’re twins?” which prompts a grimace from Skyla as she turns to look his way, “Lords, Ingo, what happened to you?”

Emmet is unfazed by the question; Ingo had struggled to recall his name, so how was he meant to remember the exact nature of their relation? The important thing is that he had cared enough to wrest the foggy half-memories free in the first place.

That’s not to say Emmet is completely unmoved, however. It’s the first time in [timeframe] he’s heard his brother’s voice aloud, and it kickstarts [???]; he presses the heel of his free hand against his eyes, dabbing away any evidence.