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not-all-dead · 4 years ago

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angstpril day six: “You don’t belong here.”

this is a part two to yesterday’s prompt, which can be found here

CW: ........more sad

fic under the cut

It had been a few weeks since she and Kya had arrived in the Fire Nation. After their initial homecoming, things had gone back to what was considered “normal” to almost everybody. Kya had adapted to a new normal, starting up a school for waterbenders near the royal grounds, and Mako had transferred from Earth Kingdom official guard to the same position but for Izumi. Izumi and Ursa spent their days doing politics, keeping the country running smoothly. Bolin was working with President Moon in Republic City and hadn’t been back since their first meeting. Iroh had also been away since, his position as a general in the United Forces taking him around the world to wherever he was needed at any given time.

Everyone adapting to life like this should’ve made Lin feel at home. It should’ve, but it didn't. She spent her endless free time wandering the halls of the palace, a few times trying to pick up hobbies but quickly abandoning them. She tried to be happy at the very least when she was around her family, but everyday it got harder. She often found herself trying in vain to remember anything from before, feeling more defeated each time she came up blank. She told herself she kept doing it because she was healing, because someday soon she'd actually have a breakthrough. In reality, she did it for Kya and Izumi. She never mentioned it, but she could tell they were watching her, waiting in anticipation for the day that she suddenly became the person she'd been before again.

She was exhausted trying so hard to be someone she wasn’t all the time. It was during the day, wandering the quiet halls of the palace, that she was able to take a break from the facade. Wandering alone was terribly lonely, though, and she didn’t feel much better afterwards anyway. Today was another day of lonely walking, waiting for Kya and Izumi to get off work only to fake more smiles. Another day of exhaustion to add to the stack.

She’d found yet another wing of the palace, a hallway she’d never been down before. At least, not in a time she could remember. It was walking down this hallway that her day took a sharp turn.

As she approached one of the many doors in the long hallway, she heard crying from within. She slowed her pace, moving towards the sound, listening carefully when the person crying began to speak.

“I love her, Zumi, I love her so much,” Kya said quietly, voice shaking and wet with tears.

“It’s just- I want to help her, I want to make her remember, and I know- I know we did everything we could, and it’s not her fault, but it's hard,” She took in a loud breath and sighed, a slight whine escaping her lips as she began to sob again.

Lin moved closer to the door, peeking around the frame to see in. Izumi held Kya against her chest, stroking her hair gently. She seemed to be whispering reassurances to Kya, who shook with the force of her sobs.

Seeing Kya so distraught because of her made her chest tighten. She hated that she was hurting them, simply because she existed differently now than she had before. She hated that there really was nothing more she could do, other than continuing to try her best to be the Lin they knew from before.

She watched them like that, so close and comfortable with one another, and felt her shame growing further. She was about to continue her aimless wandering, leaving them to each other, when Kya looked up and caught her eye.

“Oh, no, Lin…” Her brows knitted together and she sat up, Izumi’s arms falling from around her.

Lin panicked. She knew that they’d only feel worse if they knew how much she’d heard, and she could already hardly stand how much hurt she was causing. She froze where she stood until Kya began to stand, at which point she ran.

She ran back down the way she’d come, tracing her path exactly. Kya yelled for her to wait, but she just kept running. She ran past her room, past the dining room, past everything, until she came to the grand doors that opened onto the courtyard. She was panting when she got there, her lungs and throat burning with the sudden exercise. She ignored the burn, pushing the large doors open and walking out into the lush green area.

She found a long stone bench under the shade of a silver wisteria tree and sat hunched over. Her hands gripped the edge of the cold stone tightly, her head hanging over her feet. She sat there, focusing on calming her breathing, until the burn from her run was gone. Then, with nothing left to distract her from Kya’s words earlier and her own ungovernable thoughts, she began to weep.

It was not a messy cry. Tears collected in her eyes and fell, soaking into her pants and hitting the stone beneath her feet. Her breath hitched on every inhale, a lump in her throat forming quickly and a thickness growing in her chest. Her mind replayed Kya’s words, adding its own and only making her feel worse. She made no noise sitting there, the faint rustle of the wisteria’s green leaves and the sounds of the city in the distance seeping in through her open ears. It was a long time before anyone found her there.

“There,” Kya said, voice tired and heavy.

Lin heard the swishing of robes, but still nobody approached her. Her eyes were dry now, fixed on her motionless shoes, and her head still hung low.

“Let me talk to her for a minute, alright?” She heard Izumi say quietly to Kya.

Kya gave no audible response, but Izumi walked slowly towards Lin. When she got to her, she knelt on the hard ground in front of her, gently placing a hand on Lin’s knee. She watched Lin for an instant before speaking, her heart breaking at how hopeless Lin seemed.

“Lin, please, look at me. Talk to me,” She said, reaching her other hand up to push a loose strand of hair behind Lin’s ear.

“I don’t belong here,” Lin muttered, not looking up from her feet.

“What?” Izumi breathed, shock coming over her face.

“I don’t belong here,” Lin repeated, louder this time.

“What do you mean, you don’t belong here?” Izumi blinked slowly at Lin, trying to understand.

“I mean I don’t belong here, Zumi. Look at what my being here has done to you and Kya, and probably others too,” She lifted her hard gaze to meet Izumi’s.

“I don’t belong here, just like I don’t belong anywhere. I’m not who I used to be. Hell, I don't even know who I used to be. I don’t belong here because when I’m here I’m only hurting the people I used to love,” Izumi took in a sharp breath and closed her eyes momentarily before Lin continued.

“I don’t belong anywhere anymore, Zumi, because even if you all loved me before, I’m not the same. I’m not ever going to be the same. It doesn’t matter that you might’ve once loved me, because that me is never coming back,” She felt her eyes well up again and tore them away from Izumi’s.

There was a moment of quiet before Izumi found her voice.

“Lin I…” She started, gulping back tears of her own.

“I don’t know what to say,” She finished after a moment of hesitation.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Lin responded.

“I just… don’t treat me like I’m going to magically turn back into the person I used to be. Like it’s just a matter of time before the memories come flooding back and I’m just like I was before,” She turned her head back to face Izumi, tears steadily streaming down her face.

“I’ve tried, Zumi,” Her voice cracked on Izumi’s nickname and she closed her eyes.

“I’ve tried so, so hard. But every time I try to think back to before the accident… it's just empty. There’s nothing. And it scares me, so, so much. And I-,” She inhaled deeply, opening her eyes again to look at Izumi.

“I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep trying to be someone I’m not. I can’t keep hoping I’ll remember when I know that I won’t. And I can’t stay here if it means I’ll have to do exactly that,” She looked up to where Kya stood, hand pressed over her mouth to quiet her crying.

There was another moment of silence before Izumi spoke again.

“Lin I… I am so, so sorry we made you feel that way. I know there are no excuses, but I think Kya and I have been having a hard time accepting the reality of it all. It feels like someone we loved dearly is gone, and yet you’re still here. I think a part of us sees you here and still wants to hope that the old you is still in there somewhere. It’s not fair of us so think like that, to ourselves or to you,” She said, tracing the cracks between the stones of the floor with her eyes.

“I understand that feeling,” Lin said quietly, making Izumi turn back to her quickly for an explanation.

“It’s not exactly the same, and I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you two, but hearing stories… hearing stories of before feels like learning about a family member, someone I should’ve known and loved, someone I never got to meet. It doesn’t feel like they’re my stories, but it still feels like I lost a loved one before ever getting to meet them,” Izumi nodded and wiped her cheeks, sniffing loudly.

Lin looked back up at Kya, who’s hand was by her side again, lips pressed together tightly. Tears streamed down her face as she took a step forward.

“May I?” Her voice quivered and she nodded at the empty bench beside Lin.

Lin smiled and patted the cold stone and Kya came over, sitting just inches away from Lin. She reached her hand out, hesitating for a split second before lightly resting it on Lin’s knee.

“Lin, I loved you with everything I had before the accident. And I- I know I need to accept that the old you is gone, but… it would mean the world to me if you would stay, and at least give me, give us, a chance to fall in love with you again,” She watched as Lin’s face twisted, her tears renewing themselves.

She was about to continue when Izumi butted in.

“You don’t remember loving us, and that's alright, but I truly believe that, if you gave us the chance, we could love you again. And not for who you used to be. Because whoever you happen to be now is just as deserving of love as the old you was, and who better to give you that than us?” Izumi glanced at Kya with worry on her face before looking back at Lin.

Lin stared at her shoes again, furrowing her brows in what looked like angry confusion. She opened and closed her mouth several times before any words came.

“You’re right about the first part,” She started, closing her eyes in an attempt to think more clearly.

“I don’t remember loving you. But that doesn’t mean…” She paused to look at Izumi and then at Kya, taking a hand of each of theirs in her own.

“I can’t lie to you. I- since being here, I’ve-,” She hesitated and turned her eyes back to the ground.

“I’ve fallen in love with both of you all over again. I was too scared to say anything because I felt like if I did, I’d be trapped here, trying to be someone I’m not. Trying to live up to the person you loved before. But if-,” She gasped slightly, fighting back tears.

“If you think there’s a chance you could love me for who I am now and not who I once was…” Her face scrunched and she let out a soft sob.

Kya couldn’t help but let out a small sob of her own. A smile spread across her face despite her shaking shoulders and she looked at Izumi with a pained kind of hope. Izumi’s cheeks were damp too, the same sad hope painted across her features as she looked from Kya to Lin.

“We just want you to be happy, Lin,” Izumi’s voice was thick with tears as she spoke.

“It would mean the world to us if you would stay, but if you do-,” She sucked in a tight breath.

“Stop trying to be the old you for our sake. It’s not right for us to expect that of you. But please, don’t go. We’ll do everything we can to let go of the old you, and to break away from the expectations we were putting on you. We’ll love you for who you are now, just as long as you stay and give us the chance to,” Her lips pulled into a tight smile and tears spilled from her golden eyes as she reached up to cup Lin’s face in her palm.

Lin sobbed again and closed her eyes, leaning into Izumi’s hand. After a moment of sitting like that, she forced her eyes open and shuffled closer to Kya, making room for Izumi to join them on the bench. Izumi pushed herself off the ground at Lin’s invitation, making herself comfortable on the cold stone. Lin’s body shook with sobs and she squeezed her hands around Kya and Izumi’s, hanging her head low once more. Kya and Izumi looked at each other over her shoulders before leaning in, wrapping her in a hug between them and holding her tightly.

“I love you,” She managed to choke through her sobs, warmth spreading through her chest when Kya and Izumi both nuzzled up against her.

She was terrified to hope on the off chance she could be let down, but she couldn’t help but feel that this could be a new beginning for the three of them.

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