#I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

[dragonroar64]

im finally back with another pvpciv headcanon. I live my brain is finally having more thoughts than just a single sentence. good luck there's more angst ahead

okay so! in the most recent episode, y'know how Evbo goes and gets the other diamond swords to pay for things? that seems perfectly normal, right? wrong. Evbo can respawn. he could've just passed his sword off to whoever had the least amount of durability left and then came back down to buy things himself. but he didn't. he asked others for help(side note:I love the silly little found family going on here it brings me joy. look at them!!!).

my personal theory for why he'd ask the other diamond swords to buy these things for him is because he doesn't want to have to respawn ever again, or more accurately: he doesn't want to die ever again. I imagine if you'd died dozens if not hundreds of times you'd never want to do so again. not even on your own terms, not even when you're going to come back to people who care about you, not even if you wouldn't have to do it again any time soon. Evbo probably doesn't want to experience dying again, probably doesn't want to wake up in his room on the wooden sword level holding a weapon made of the weakest material around, much more vulnerable than he is anyways. do you think being there bothers him? do you think traveling down through the layers makes old memories and old pains flair up?

do you think that the other diamond swords know about this and try to help Evbo avoid going through it again? do you think that's why they help him pay for things without suggesting a respawn? do you think they're reluctant to send him out to the other civilizations? do you think they feel like he's a sort of annoying little brother to them, but still a brother and therefore someone they care about?

anyways I just think this found family thing going on w/the diamond swords should be explored more. like what if they saw how much he devolved on every trip to the golden sword level and just assumed his deterioration was caused just by the golden level itself and only learned later about what exactly happened on the iron sword level? they probably weren't watching all of his video journal updates. he probably didn't make one after every death. what if they didn't find out until just a little while before Evbo made it to the diamond swords level. or what if they didn't find out until after he made it back after Tabi killed him. what if he'd managed to stay strong up until he realized his closest friend didn't actually care about him and after the fact he just spilled his guts out about it to the diamond swords. what if they help him buy stuff because they don't want him to ever have to go through a respawn again

tldr what if the diamond swords help Evbo buy things in the newest episode because they know respawning is a horrible experience for him

[teaboot]

Cause like. I WAS gonna say Death, but dying doesn’t scare me, being separated from my loved ones does- and that’s not so much a Fear as a Sadness, and Sadness is important. I’m not afraid of feeling sad

But the reason I’m not afraid of feeling sad is because it passes. Or it always has before, even if it still hurts- the worst part I think is the lowest point where the world feels like it’s ended and you aren’t ready to stop grieving yet

But if grief were to last forever and never lighten, to truly be permanent, I imagine at some point it would involve a complete loss of hope- an acceptance- and a certainty, I imagine, because this is a sadness that would surpass dying- and catch up with the rest of me.

Complacency in misery. A lack of desire for better. An inability to hope or imagine an end, like an open wound that never scabs over and just keeps getting deeper like a bottomless pit of hurt that you just kind of get used to.

I like Anger. Anger feels powerful and actionable, and as long as I don’t use it to hurt people, it’s an intoxicating sort of euphoria.

Sadness feels good, too. You ever fall asleep after a long awful cry and feel lighter? You ever feel like your sadness was honouring something? I don’t mind sadness.

Pain, too, is a motivator. Hurt of both emotional and physical kinds. Im scared of needles, and falling, and getting stabbed, but those are fleeting fears- once they happen, you do the best you can to fix it. Pain sucks when you can’t do anything about it, but unexpected or abrupt pain is actionable. There’s a forward momentum.

Despair… despair is an acceptance of bad things. No determination, no motivation, no energy. It’s knowing that something horrible has happened or is happening and accepting that there’s nothing you can do and just… giving in.

Despair is a loss of hope, a deafening of anger, an acceptance of pain, and a total neutralizer of anything good about fear.

People watch scary movies, and tragedies, and gore, because a part of us likes a bit of fear and sadness sometimes.

I can’t think of a genre people enjoy because it inspires complete, abject hopelessness.

And more than any amount of pain or fear or loss or danger, I fear a reality in which I no longer react.

This wasn’t initially meant to get deep, but like… emotional paralysis. The possibility of accepting eternal grief and letting it eat my potential alive. Something that leaves me alive and breathing while unable to honour the memories of those I care for.

Despair.

That scares me

Name the thing you fear the most

Despair

[zt4rztruck]

ykw im doing a fuckery post learn more about my ass

— flynt / finley / sam :3

— any pronouns except she.her,, mainly he.they.it.fang

— my main interests;

– wild kratts

– newsies

– warriors / warrior cats

– hamilton

– metal family

— i have a janitor ai (go follow me and flood my requests with newsies bots)

— im a transmasc agender fictionkin therian furry

— est time zone who uses the 24 hr clock

— im a minor lmfao

— i haves the hds of the ads (im stoopid and have adhd.. sigh)

— im a levayan satanist :)

★ — socials ;

— scratch, wattpad, c.ai ; @/_Jayfl1ght-

— bluesky, twt ; @/zt4rztruck / @/ZT4RZTRUCK

— pin ; @/thecosmosabove

— janitor ai ; @/rustyskittypetcollar

— i update rhis thing of fuckery when i can and the tags i use for my own bullshitery are on here —

[downloadablecreature]

Trying to find info on Apoo’s real-life namesake, Chui A-poo.

His Wikipedia page is very empty/small, which I find suspicious. So I’m trying to do some extra research. Kinda.

This is what I have apart from info from his Wikipedia page (where I found the link to this hellish pdf), a few articles on various websites that may or may not be accurate, and some theories.

Please help me.

[icarusbetide]

this is made explicit in the musical but i'd argue it's also very much applicable to the real hamilton. his childhood experiences probably pushed him on and gave him that great thirst and drive, and he channeled that energy into writing.

and of course, honor was always going to be a touchy subject. illegitimate orphan of a woman called a whore is bad enough, but that combined with actually upper-class, noble familial connections? the fact that his father wasn't even dead so alexander probably kept him in his mind constantly? it probably exacerbated hamilton's issues even more so than if he'd just been a poor man's son. because now you've got a sense that you're owed something and have something to be proud of, but you still have to fight for it tooth and nail every step of the way.

"Why do you write like you need it to survive?" because he does he does he does. he wouldn't have survived if he hadn't begun clerking for the landlord or worked in a trading charter, jobs that inherently require skills in writing. he wrote about the hurricane's destruction of his hometown so poignantly that people decided to help him in furthering his education, KEEPING HIM ALIVE. and as much as he wanted to be something else, as much as he wanted a troop of men to command, hamilton as an adult/young man was NOTHING without his writing. he wouldn't have been washington's right hand man, he wouldn't have gone to the winter's ball to meet eliza, he wouldn't have wooed her with his letters or convinced her father, he wouldn't have built his career or been a founding father. he would have died, a bastard, orphan, impoverished. dead. "Why do you write like you need it to survive?" because he DOES. that's why hamilton could never let an insult go, that's why he always needed to write back, that's why he never stopped reaching for more, because without his writing, without his wit, without his rapid responses, he is NOTHING

[heronoegg]

Someone told me that Aizawa irl would look like Lin Manuel Miranda and I haven’t been the same since.

To further my point I made a demonstration

And yes, I did indeed cry when making this

i didn't know weather to respond to this with:

"enter me (he says in parentheses) don't be shocked when your history book mentions me"

or

"well, hate the sin love the sinner"

[afterlife-2004]

Reminds me of “The World Was Wide Enough”, a song from the musical, Hamilton!

[biblicallyaccuratepigeons]

imagine wanting to die so bad that it makes you immortal from out willing death

sonic in the snapcube sonic riders dub

[unwri-ten]

Omfg now thinking of the snapcube reference I now just connected Leshy and Snapcube Fandub! Sonic tgt..

Now I can't stop thinking about Leshy quoting Hamilton STOPPPPPP

[slowdesire]

[pardonmydelays]

me when i'm trying to make a fun playlist:

[zt4rztruck]

how tf are some people confident to put their face on tumblr or twitter like no im scared someone from my school is gonna recognize me and be like “oh hi [deadname]!” AND THEN MY FUCKING LEGACY IS RUINED.

[emilyjunk]

brain will get a minific idea that could be written in less than an hour and go..... no that is too much work we simply cannot do it!!!!! then the next night will think up an ambitious, sure to be laborious, tens of thousands of words idea and go. yeah. better start writing bitch

[uncensored-aj]

Rewatched the Hamilton Proshot over the weekend and now I’m listening to the album I AM REGRESSING AND I CAN NOT STOP IT.

[makeuphall]

[winner456]

“I’m not afraid to shoot you….” Unprompted

ᝰ.ᐟ “ . . . And I’m not afraid to die . ” his expression remained cold , emotionless . . . it was that of a man who’s had his life on the line for so long that he’d become numb to the sensation of fear . . . his eyebrows furrow , his mind racing at a million miles a minute . he’s cheated death many times before , and he’d be damned if he couldn’t do it again . gi-hun had long been reduced to a husk of a man , but one with purpose : he would end these games , even if it was the last thing he did .