#I hope you are all having a super wonderful day!!!

[gyubakeries]

𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 | j.ww

a/n: i had a terrible nightmare, but it inspired this lmao. apologies if the plot seems weird, i just went with the flow. hope you like it! (p.s. took me just a week to write this bad boy, but trust, there's more angst on the way! itll take more time bcs im super busy but i promise im gonna deliver angst)

word count: 5k contents: dystopian au , kinda inspired by divergent too , wonwoo x afab!reader , doctor!wonwoo , reader is going to die , a little graphic at the end but for like 2 seconds , flashbacks , forbidden love , HEAVY angst , sad ending

[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]

"756, your three hours begin now," an automated voice booms through the speakers placed in your cell, reverberating through the small metal chamber you've been kept in for as long as you can remember.

the door to your cell slides open, allowing you your last bit of freedom, last few hours of life, before it was all going to be taken away from you.

hyejun, the girl who occupied the cell next to you, comes into view, her eyes already filled with tears. the two of you had become friends of some sort over the last twenty-one years of captivity. although, your friendship wasn't like the ones people wrote about in books or played out in movies.

the Misfits would never have the privilege of a real friendship.

you couldn't tell each other about childhood memories, dreams, goals, or regrets, because the last twenty-one years of your lives had been spent inside the same grey walls. you couldn't go shopping at the mall, or watch movies at the cinema, because you weren't allowed to leave the facility, no matter what.

yet, hyejun was the closest you'd ever have to a friend, which is why it hurt you to see her cry profusely.

"don't cry, you idiot," you laugh, trying your best to keep yourself calm and composed. nothing good ever came out of the both of you crying together. "don't act like you forgot that this would happen some day."

"it hurt less to pretend like it wasn't," hyejun sobs, hugging you tightly. "why did we have to turn out this way?"

you wish you could answer that question.

there wasn't really any research or accurate information on how the Misfits came to be. the only piece of information told to every Misfit child the day they turn three years old is that they didn't have a place in society.

and the next thing you know, you've been shipped off to a facility to spend the rest of your lives as outcasts; as children who were deprived of their life too quickly.

at least once during their twenty-one years in a prison, every Misfit has wondered how this system came to be. who was it that decided what the Misfits were? was there a war? or an uprising? why was it declared that upon turning twenty-four, every Misfit would be executed?

you had resigned to your fate a long time ago. somewhere between the age of five and eight, when you realized that this was your life—living locked up in the facility. it wasn't as restrictive as a prison, as you were allowed to spend time outside your cell for meals, showers, interacting with others, and visiting the in-house library, theater and much more. but you when you learnt that you were strictly denied any permission to leave the place where childhood innocence came to die—you had given up.

you stopped throwing tantrums and crying like all the other children. you stopped wanting to see the outside world again. you stopped trying to live your life. you stopped hoping. you stopped loving.

it was a cruel realization to come to at such a young age, but you never had a choice. your entire life had been decided for you, because of some goddamn reason no one knew, so you gave up on trying to fight the system.

which is why, on the day of your twenty-fourth birthday, when your last three hours on this earth were announced, there wasn't any dread or anxiety filling you. there wasn't any urge to resist and rebel against the oppression you've been subjected to.

you were just another number on the list, the seven hundred and fifty-sixth person to be killed this year.

one of the things you were thankful for was the painless death. back when you were thirteen, an old lady who worked at the facility as a cleaner had given into hyejun's incessant pleas to know how the executions occurred.

the lady had said, "it doesn't hurt at all. first, they inject you with some drug. then, you're taken into an empty white room. they have a machine in there, which i don't know much about, but in merely three minutes, you're gone."

hyejun had ended up in tears after she got to know, but all you could do was laugh to yourself. three years to live a normal life, three hours to spend before you die, and three minutes to completely wipe out your existence, as if you ever really mattered in the grand scheme of things.

ever since you came into the facility, you've seen countless people being escorted upstairs to meet their end. some scream and yell for mercy, some stab a knife into themselves before they die in a way they're not even aware of, and some people, like you, have this empty look in their eyes. they look like lifeless dolls being dragged to their doom, because anything worth living had already been snatched from their hands.

—

"one hour and fifteen minutes," hyejun whispers, looking at the timer on your wrist counting down your last few moments. "y/n, how am i going to live without you?"

"this isn't called life, junnie," you chuckle, the sound hollow and meaningless. "they should've just killed us before we were brought into this prison. this isn't a life worth living."

"how can you say that?" hyejun asks, and you look at her to gauge her expression. hyejun is one of the many people who still haven't accepted that their days are marked. she's one of the many people who hope that there is a second chance at life.

"i can say it because it's the truth," you sigh. "there's no point in grieving the loss of a life you never had."

hyejun falls silent, her expression distraught, and you feel bad for this being your last conversation with the one person you've spent your entire life with.

your heart softens just a little bit for the person who's shared this meaningless life with you, so you move closer to her on the single bed in your cell.

"i'm sorry, i guess i hadn't realized that you haven't accepted this fate like i have," you apologize, wrapping an arm around hyejun's shoulder to comfort her. "don't be too upset after i'm gone, okay? probably not the best source of motivation, but you'll just have two weeks to spend without me before..... you know." you trail off awkwardly.

"i know," hyejun nods, looking up at you. "promise me you'll find me wherever we end up once we're gone?"

"i promise," you smile, and it's probably the most genuine thing you've felt your entire life.

the two of you huddle closer, spending your last hour in silence.

the door to your cell remains open, which is why you aren't startled when two women, dressed in all-white clothing, appear at the door, one holding a glass of water, and the other a pill.

hyejun isn't as calm as you, and tears quickly spring to her eyes when she sees the two officials at the door. "y/n, it can't be-"

"764, please return to your assigned cell," one woman speaks, her tone cold and sterile, devoid of any emotion.

"i- please, just some more time, please," hyejun begs, her hands clinging onto yours, as if bargaining for more time would do anything to delay the consequence you were going to face.

"please return to your assigned cell," the woman repeats. "i will not hesitate to call security."

"junnie, go," you whisper, slowly freeing your hands from her grip. "i'll be fine, you'll be fine."

hyejun shakes her head, sobbing incessantly. "i'll miss you."

"i'll miss you too," you admit truthfully. "i'll wait for you, okay?"

hyejun nods, and after another threatening glare from the officials, she shares one last knowing look with you, and for a moment, you feel thankful for being loved by someone in this life, no matter how short or miserable it was.

hyejun goes back into her own cell, and you let your last ever interaction with her sink in.

"756, please take this pill, and then follow us upstairs," the second woman instructs, and you get off the bed to approach the women.

"happy birthday to me," you scoff to yourself, taking the pill and swallowing it down with the water.

as if some countdown has started, the two officials spring into action. each grab one arm of yours and escort you out of your room. out of the corner of your eye, you can see hyejun by her door, collapsed to the floor on her knees, sobbing and grieving the only real connection she had with anyone in this ruthless world.

you wish you could say the same, but it would be a lie.

because when you finally climb the last step, and the door to your death is opened in front of you, you find yourself looking into the chocolate-brown eyes you had foolishly let yourself fall into.

jeon wonwoo.

—

[ flashback - 28th october, 2022 ]

"i wasn't aware that you were allowed to be outside your cell past 11 p.m.," a deep voice speaks from behind you, and you nearly jump five feet into the air.

you turn to see a tall, bespectacled man standing in the kitchen, a white lab coat hanging off his broad shoulders.

he's a doctor.

"i-i'm so sorry," you gasp, realizing that you're in deep shit now. realistically, you knew that the only way you were going to leave this facility was when you died, but you had no idea what the protocol was for people who snuck out of their cells at midnight, which was against all the rules. "i just really needed some water and i didn't have any left in the cell and-"

but the doctor just smiles at you, his intimidating demeanour replaced by possibly the only smile you'll ever see that is so beautiful.

"it's alright, don't be scared," he assures you, in that rich, warm voice of his. "i'm doctor jeon. you are?"

"y/n," you reply, confused about the whole situation. were doctors supposed to be on a first-name basis with the Misfits? "i'm sorry if this sounds stupid, but are you supposed to be talking to me?"

a flicker of sadness appears in his eyes, and disappears just as quickly. "it's alright for me to talk to you. you do realize i am required to interact with everyone in this facility if they visit the infirmary, right? i'm a doctor, it's kinda my job."

your face burns with embarrassment. "sorry, that was a stupid question."

"no worries, y/n," doctor jeon laughs, seemingly endeared by your mini-meltdown. you had no idea why you were behaving this way. never in your life had you been this embarrassed or flustered around anyone. you've been living in a prison all your life, where showers are taken in communal bathrooms and privacy was a rare luxury. why did this man have to change that?

"i'm going to head back to my cell now," you clear your throat, eyes focused on the water bottle you had just filled for yourself.

"alright," doctor jeon nods. "goodnight, y/n."

you give him a nod in return, stiffly walking past him to tiptoe back to your cell. you catch a glance at his name-tag.

dr. jeon wonwoo.

the name stays on your mind for way longer than it should've.

—

[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]

"have you taken the prescribed pill?" wonwoo asks, his tone formal and cold, as if he's never seen you, never known of your existence.

you know that's far from the truth.

"yes, doctor," you reply promptly, attentively watching as wonwoo goes through a few files on his desk. you see his features harden for a second at the name you addressed him with, a giveaway of how much he hated it when you called him that.

"it'll take a minute for the pill to take effect," wonwoo says. "please head over to the chair."

you wordlessly move over to the black leather armchair in the room, sitting on it as instructed. the situation is built on similar circumstances from the past, but it feels so devastatingly unfamiliar and strange.

you don't know if it's the air-conditioner or the cold look in wonwoo's once-loving eyes that makes you shiver.

—

[ flashback - 24th november, 2022 ]

"i'll walk you to the infirmary," hyejun offers. the morning of your twenty-second birthday, you had woken up with a high fever. your body was so weak, you couldn't even move to get off the bed.

thankfully, despite the prison-like feel, the facility wasn't too restrictive with regards to the cell doors being locked, or neighbouring cellmates interacting, which is why hyejun could come into your cell and take you to the infirmary.

you're barely conscious when you enter. you can hear hyejun's muffled voice talking to the doctor on duty, explaining to them your condition, all while you struggle to stay standing upright.

soon, a familiar pair of glasses swim into your vision, strong arms lift you and place you on one of the beds, and a gentle touch on your forehead lulls you to sleep.

the name-tag catches your attention before your eyes close.

—

"doctor jeon?" you croak out, voice groggy with sleep. the doctor looks up from his desk to see you sitting up in bed, finally awake after being asleep for almost the entire day.

"ah, y/n, you're up," wonwoo smiles at you. "how are you feeling now?"

"the fever seems to be gone," you reply after a moment, feeling much better than earlier in the morning.

"that's good to hear," wonwoo nods. "your friend mentioned that it was your birthday today. happy birthday, y/n."

you sigh. "doctor, i appreciate your gesture, but having a birthday is hardly an occasion that calls for happiness, is it? birthdays are never happy for someone like me."

a similar flicker of sadness flashes in wonwoo's eyes, reminding you of the first encounter in the kitchen a month ago.

"i'm sorry, i should've known-"

"it's alright," you interrupt his apology. "at least the infirmary is a change of scenery. never had a birthday party in here before, doctor." you joke, because somehow, seeing a frown on wonwoo's face felt like it should be a crime for him to be anything but happy.

"call me wonwoo, please," he chuckles. "being called doctor by someone who's the same age feels a little embarrassing."

"we're the same age?" you question, sitting up a little straighter. "next thing you're going to tell me is that we have the same favorite color."

"i like blue," wonwoo says.

"me too!" you gasp, the both of you bursting into laughter instantly.

the infirmary was empty for the rest of the day, and the two of you filled it with laughter and stories. wonwoo gladly took the lead, telling you all about his life up until he was hired to work at the facility six months ago, and you listened eagerly. it felt like you lived life through his stories, and it stirred this dangerous feeling inside you.

you had found something that gave you hope, in a universe where hope never worked in your favor.

—

[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]

"details of subject 756. full name, lee y/n. sex, female. date of birth, 24th november 1999-"

wonwoo's voice reading out all your details, the only pieces of information that gave you any form of self-identity, was getting hard to listen to with no response.

"stop."

"756, not interrupting the procedure would be advised," wonwoo addresses you, not even looking your way, his eyes trained on the file in front of him.

"why are you treating me like you don't know who i am?" you ask him in a quiet voice. "as if we didn't spend almost two years together, in love-"

"756, no interruptions, please." wonwoo grits out, sounding just as hurt as you felt.

"you hated it when i called you doctor, and now you won't even call me by my name?" you scoff, and that seems to rouse a reaction out of wonwoo.

"you are nothing but a number on this long list of people that i have to kill," wonwoo seethes, leaving his desk to come stand in front of you. "this is our reality now, 756. whatever happened in those two years, it was a dream, a fantasy."

"our love wasn't real? the hope you gave me wasn't real?" you challenge, standing up from the armchair. "you promised me, every day, that you'd change this, that i wouldn't have to-"

"then you were stupid for believing me!" wonwoo yells, cutting you off. "you should've known that i was an idiot in love, that i would've promised you anything if it meant i could see you smile. if it meant i could see you live the last few years of your life happily."

—

[ flashback - 1st january, 2023 ]

soon after your twenty-second birthday, you had grown much closer to wonwoo. you'd visit the infirmary for no reason, just to spend hours with him, learning about how the outside world worked. there were afternoons where he'd show you pictures of mountains, oceans, parks, children, and animals that he'd taken. there were evenings where he'd sneak you into his quarters, where he'd read you a book, or turn on a random movie he thought you'd appreciate.

it started feeling less like a friendship, and more like love. the way his eyes would light up when you entered the infirmary to greet him good morning, the way his ears would turn red if any other staff at the facility would get close to figuring out his relationship with you, the way he'd hold your hand or run his fingers through your hair, and the way he'd smile at you, kissing your cheek as a goodnight before going back to his own quarters.

you knew you were foolish for falling in love with wonwoo, especially when you had such limited time to love him properly. so you began to distance yourself from him. you stopped visiting him, avoided his attempts to talk, and tried your best to forget him.

it didn't work.

it only ended up in you being dragged to the infirmary by hyejun, when you woke up on january 1st complaining of a terrible stomach ache.

it was wonwoo who took care of you then.

"you've been avoiding me," wonwoo says quietly, watching you take the medicine he gave you. "did i do something wrong?"

you stay silent, wondering if you should tell him the truth or keep it hidden.

"i've fallen in love with you."

the truth it is then.

wonwoo gapes at you, blinking repeatedly as he tries to process your words. after a minute, he regains his composure and says, "i love you too. now why were you ignoring me?"

he asked you to be his girlfriend three days later, and for the first time since you've entered the facility, your heart starts to long for more time.

—

[ present - 24th november, 2024]

"yeah, i was stupid," you laugh sadly. "i was stupid to believe that you'd actually do something to fight for us."

"and risk both our lives in the process?" wonwoo argues. "if anyone would've found out, we'd both be killed, and not the painless way."

"well, one of us is going to die anyways!" you raise your voice, the tears you've desperately held back finally spilling over. "why did you have to love me? why did you have to make me want to live? do you know how hard it is for your face to be the last thing i see before i die?"

"and you think that this is making me happy?" wonwoo says, anger, love, helplessness, all emotions bleeding into his voice. "i loved you too. heck, i still do, and even after you're gone, i'll-"

"just do it. do whatever you need to do to kill me," you stop him from finishing his sentence. five-year old you had promised to give into your fate no matter what happens. and even though seeing the only man you've loved about to end your life is breaking your heart into a million pieces, you wouldn't be alive for too long to feel that pain.

"no-" wonwoo shakes his head. "i was stupid. i should've done something sooner. i was scared and i'm sorry. i'll get you out."

—

[ flashback - 19th september, 2023 ]

"i'll get you out," wonwoo whispers into your ear. you've just pulled him into a hug before you go back into your cell for the night when the words are muttered into the skin of your neck. "i won't let you die, y/n. not like this."

"won, what are you saying?" you ask, pulling away to face him. "are you nuts?"

"i love you and i can't bear the thought of having to lose you," wonwoo breathes out, his voice sounding strained. "i can't lose you."

"wonwoo, this is the system," you scoff. "i can't not die, it's not possible."

"just trust me," wonwoo shakes his head. "i'll get you out."

you let yourself believe him.

—

[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]

"i'm not letting myself fall for empty promises anymore," your words ring out loud and clear. "just get this over with, doctor."

"y/n-"

"756. that's how you're instructed to address me, doctor," you correct him.

"i can't. i won't do this to you," wonwoo refuses, moving closer to stand in front of you and place his hands on your shoulders. "we can get out, y/n. please, let me try."

—

[ flashback - 19th september, 2024]

"there's no way out," wonwoo mutters, and you feel the hope building in your chest crumble to dust.

"what- what do you mean?" you stammer. "wonwoo, you said you'd find a way-"

"i couldn't," he sighs. "not with management breathing down my neck. they already suspect i'm in close contact with one of the Misfits, and i don't want to give them a reason to make your last few months any worse."

"did you even try?" your voice breaks, your hopes and dreams slowly getting crushed.

"i didn't," wonwoo replies hesitantly. "i'm being monitored, especially after the promotion-"

"promotion?"

"i've been assigned to the room upstairs."

the room upstairs. where every Misfit goes to die.

"you- you never told me about this," your voice is strangled, the weight of wonwoo's words pressing down on your chest like an invisible weight.

"that's because you had no business knowing about it," wonwoo snaps. "look, y/n, from now on, you and i are nothing but strangers. whatever we had between us, it has to end now."

—

[ present - 24th november, 2024 ]

"you ended things. we're strangers now," you remind wonwoo, and the tears finally escape his eyes. "you shouldn't care this much for strangers, doctor."

"y/n, i'm sorry," wonwoo chokes out, tears streaming down his face, and you belatedly realize that you’re crying too. with the back of your hand, you wipe away the unnecessary and immature tears. this was your fate.

“you didn’t try when you said you would, wonwoo,” you lower your gaze, staring at the floor. "there's no happy ending for us now. there never was."

"i know. i was an asshole for promising you something i couldn't give to you, but i know i'm going to spend the rest of my life regretting not helping you now," wonwoo argues. he holds your hands in his.

"please, y/n, give me another chance."

"you know what's funny, wonwoo?" you laugh bitterly, looking up at the man you will love till the moment you die. "at least you have a lifetime you can spend regretting. at least you have a lifetime to start afresh, find someone else, fall in love. i only had you. you were my world, and it hurt so much when you lied to me and showed me dreams i never should've seen."

"i only said all those things because i loved you then, and i love you now as well," wonwoo's voice is shaky now. he knows your time together is nearing to a close, and with every passing second, he dreads the passing of the remainder of his life without you. "i was foolish to promise you freedom, but it was only because i hated that look of hopelessness in your eyes. and you have all the right to blame me, but let me just try-"

"if you're so sure you can get me out now, why didn't you do it earlier?" you cut him off. "why now? right before i have to die?"

you see the look of guilt flash in wonwoo's eyes. your eyes fall to the white lab coat he's wearing, the symbol of the facility embroidered into the fabric, right above where his name-tag sits.

you raise your hand to brush your fingers against the only name you had desperately hoped to call out for the rest of your life.

you realize that while it was your fate was to die, wonwoo's fate was to live. the purpose of your life was to live twenty-four years on this miserable earth and then vanish, while wonwoo's role was to take your life.

no matter how realistic those two years felt, it was impossible for the two of you to be together. you were carrying out your meaningless life, and wonwoo was fulfilling his duty. a duty that never involved loving you or rescuing you.

the bitterness brewing in you for the last couple of months comes to a rest, because you understand.

"i don't blame you," you utter quietly, hands coming up to rest against wonwoo's chest. if you tried really hard, you could delude yourself into thinking that this was just another morning you would spend with wonwoo, in his embrace, living life as if you had the gift of endless time.

"you were scared too, weren't you?"

wonwoo's face crumbles. he leans forward into you, resting his head on your shoulder as his body shakes with the intensity of his cries.

you hold him tight, and you feel sorry for giving him this warmth and comfort right before you left his life forever.

"you should have never loved me," wonwoo sobs. "i thought i was making your last years something you wouldn't hate, but i just-"

"you made my last years the happiest i've ever been," you stop him. "i don't regret loving you wonwoo, not even for a second. and i'm sorry i was angry at you for not helping me get out. i was too blinded by betrayal to realize that it could cost your life too."

"it wouldn't have mattered if you got to live," wonwoo shakes his head.

"it would've, because i wouldn't have you to live my life with," you say softly. wonwoo pulls away from you. his eyes are red and puffy, and your heart aches with the urge to kiss him, one last time.

"i'm sorry," you whisper. "i'm sorry that we ended up this way. god, if i had it any other way, i would've done anything to grow old with you."

"i'm sorry too," wonwoo sniffles. "for not fighting enough for us."

"it can't be helped now," you smile sadly at him. "maybe in another universe, we get to travel the world with each other and do everything we couldn't do in this one."

"it's time to let go, wonwoo," you say, pressing one final kiss against his lips.

wonwoo inhales deeply after you back away from him. he walks back to the desk, takes out a syringe filled with a clear liquid with shaking hands and comes back to face you.

"i'll find you in every other universe, and i'll love you till the end of time," wonwoo looks into your eyes, and this one feels like a real promise.

"i know you will," you hold the wrist of the hand holding the syringe to steady it.

wonwoo presses the needle into the skin of your neck, the place where he had whispered a promise of a better life before, and you squeeze your eyes shut.

"it won't hurt at all," wonwoo whispers as an assurance, and his free hand holds yours tightly.

the needle breaks through skin, the liquid is injected, and your last three minutes begin.

you open your eyes, and nothing feels like it's changed, but then wonwoo approaches you with a black eye-mask.

"i don't want you to see what happens," he explains, and you nod to give him permission. he slips the fabric onto your head, and your vision is blocked.

the last thing you see is his name-tag.

you hear the turn of a door knob, the sound of a door creaking open, and wonwoo's last words to you.

"i love you."

you feel gentle hands guide you into the room just opened, a pair of lips pressing a kiss to your temple, the warmth of wonwoo leaving you.

you're alone.

you smell the sterile antiseptic used to clean the room, a vague burning scent, your impending death.

your time is nearly up.

you taste the salt of the last tears you'll ever shed, the sour flavor of tragic love, blood.

it's almost over.

and then, nothing. it's like your senses have stopped working all of a sudden, and you're in a vacuum.

your hands tug off the eye-mask, but you can't see anything either. you realize it's the effect of the injection.

and it's good that you can't see, hear, feel, smell, or taste anymore.

otherwise you'd see the transparent glass wall separating you from a sobbing wonwoo, hand trembling above the red button that brought about your end.

you'd hear the lasers in the room charging up.

you'd feel a scorching heat all over your skin.

you'd smell your flesh burning till you're reduced to ashes, meant to be swept off.

you'd taste the kiss of death.

the timer rings; three minutes are up.

dr. jeon wonwoo ticks 756 off his checklist.

- fin.

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[sunshine-zenith]

On my daily rewatch of anw I'm thinking about how people thought Hazel and Dev should've swapped fairies because of how unfair the godparent system was and how Dev needed more experienced godparents or how Peri should've been assigned an easy case and while that may be true, I'm just thinking how that swap would have suited the kids' needs.

With Dev, yes, he was a hard case and probably should've had godparent who had more experience with children like him, but he is a child who is lacking in the parental department and needed someone to fill that role.

Same is true for Hazel. She would have been more suited for a first-time godparent, but what she needed and missed the most was her brother and who do we know who has experience with being someone's godbrother? Peri.

I'm probably just rephrasing stuff here so this probably didn't need to be said. Everything more or less worked out for everyone and eventually for others (hopefully).

Anon I have been rotating this ask around in my head since it popped up into my ask box

Confession: I and many others have thought about the similarities between Peri and Hazel, and pointed out that Dev was not a case for a beginner, but I haven’t seriously considered a full out fairy swap until now because I’m actually very fond of the Hazel-Cosmo-Wanda dynamic and the Dev-Peri tragedy dynamic

Still… yeah, you’re kinda right. Dev genuinely would’ve been better suited for experienced godparents, and he might actually benefit from Cosmo and Wanda specifically because A) there’s two of them and B) they’re very parental with their godkids. And Hazel — having Hazel, the kid who misses her brother so much it tipped over the Needs A Fairy edge, be paired up with the godparent who lost his older brother is kinda brilliant

It kinda makes me wonder about how things would be different if we got Hazel-Peri and Dev-Cosmo-Wanda…

Heads up, this gets long

The first thing I wonder about isn’t so much the dynamics, but rather who would be the protagonist? I adore Hazel as a main character, but Cosmo and Wanda are the FOP difacto mascots. They’re the ones who get the cameos and appear in the reboots/sequels. They can exist independently from Timmy/Hazel/Chloe/Viv. If they’re Dev’s fairies, then Dev would be the main POV character. And like. I love Dev, I do, but he’s an asshole. I understand why and I’m down to justify anything he does, but he’s a dick. Plus, well, he’s also super sad. It’d be very hard to make him a fun POV character, especially pre/mid-character development, at least without switching the genre from Heart Felt Comedy Aimed At Children/All Ages to something much darker and more mature. He’s a great side character/deuteragonist, but it would be a Commitment if we followed him 95% of the time

(And before anyone comes at me about Timmy also being The Worst, a lot of that was flanderization. By the time he gets that that point, let’s be real a lot of people stopped watching, and even then he at least had half a dozen I Love Yous and sweet moments with Cosmo and Wanda to make the commitment worth it to the audience.)

Hazel and Peri

So if we keep Hazel as the lead and Peri as her fairy, how’d that work, writing wise? Do we keep his introduction the same and hope the audience is fine with a Sequel Babies Series. Or (and this is just me having fun), do we hypothetically cut out the part where he Introduces Himself With His Deadname For The Audience’s Sake and just hint at him as being Poof from the original series. Then, after Founder’s Day, we introduce Cosmo and Wanda as Dev’s fairies, and the Peri Is Grown Up Poof thing is treated as a Big Reveal, a la Author Of The Journals from Gravity Falls

Now that out of the way, how do I think these dynamics would work, and how would it affect Dev and Hazel’s relationship?

Like you said, Hazel and Peri connecting over missing brothers is a great starting point, and Peri getting to be the big brother for once would be so much fun to watch. Plus, and I’ve pointed this out before, they’re both rule followers (I can totally see a gag of them bonding over Hazel’s DMV love), though Hazel is willing to play things by ear, while Peri gets majorly stressed/anxious/high strung when rule breaking is in question — in fact, that could be a fun angle to some potential conflicts. Hazel makes a wish, but she doesn’t know how to find the words for what she wants, and since Peri is so new, he doesn’t have the experience to confidently guess. He hesitates, both of them get caught in a mini Anxiety Loop, and escalating event happening in the background force them into action, and through hijinx, they both receive character development

I can also see the Antony thing leading to conflict for them — Hazel’s brother is gone, but he comes back. He visits. They reconnect. Meanwhile, Timmy’s gone gone. His memory is wiped. I can see Peri occasionally accidentally fumbling Hazel’s missing Antony with his own likely grief over Timmy. Maybe after another missed flight or phone call, Peri tries to be “supportive” in the same way he tried to cheer Dev up at his birthday, and he accidentally says something that makes Hazel not only miss her old life, but thing she’ll never have any sort of relationship with Antony again.

Or maybe Peri does handle it well until Antony comes back. Then, alongside Hazel trying to recreate the past, Peri gets overwhelmed with jealousy, like he was when Irep tried taking his place with Dev but dialed up by 10. He worries he’ll lose his first godkid AND be fumbling with reawakened grief

(Plus hey, I can actually see this scenario as a good way to justify bringing Timmy back. Maybe Hazel could even include Timmy’s memories as part of her Rule Free Wish in the finally)

Basically Hazel and Peri have so much in common that if they were the main duo, those similarities could lead to so many bonding moments AND dramatic moments where through being mirrors for each other they accidentally hurt each other and help each other to grow as people

(It makes me wonder how Peri would hide himself in Hazel’s day to day life. Peri becomes inanimate objects for Dev, sure, but he doesn’t have a consistent object he hides as. Maybe Peri could have a human disguise, pretending to be a recent college grad who moves into Hazel’s building? Or maybe he could be a “new pet rock”?)

(Also I have a lot of thoughts on C&W being disguised as pets for Timmy and neighbors for Hazel, but that’s a ramble for another day.)

Dev, Cosmo, and Wanda

So the first question is how would Dev become Cosmo and Wanda’s godkid? They weren’t actually assigned to Hazel, they basically just adopted her. Maybe, Cosmo and Wanda could still be traveling and just end up in Dimmadelphia around Founder’s Day, and through their observations, they seen Dev is going through it and come out of retirement for him. This could also lead to a Cookie situation with Dev instead of Hazel (imagine Dev pretending to be a lawyer, there would 100% be a gag of him acting as every shady lawyer stereotype you know.)

I can see Dev still lashing out at them, probably still demanding perfection for hollow wishes since he can’t get what he really wants, BUT C&W would cause mischief as they misinterpret his wishes. I can also see him acting unimpressed/impatient when they take him on little side quests to meet with fairies that specialize in the things he wishes for. He’s have to defrost to them, and they (likely especially Cosmo) would push his buttons. Dev would also probably deny having fun during these adventures. I’m sure he’d eventually come to see them the same way he saw Irep)

A potential conflict could come from the fact that a lot of Dev’s wishes are by nature spiteful/fueled by pride. Again, major Dev apologist here, we’re talking about the kid who wished for a an evil ghost to come from the depths of hell after having a fairy for less than a week. C&W would still grant his wishes, but they wouldn’t approve of him being a bully, and would probably try really hard to get him to realize the error of his ways through these wishes

It’s likely that Dev wouldn’t even get involved with the anti-fairies here. If he did, I can only see this after Dev specifically makes a wish relating to his father loving him, which C&W can’t grant, or something similar — a breakdown after a big, direct moment instead of a breakdown after months of little, indirect moments

I can also see him both clinging to them as parental figures and resenting them as misplaced anger and sadness over his neglectful dad

I can also see him seeing Peri (and maybe even Timmy) as a threat here — Peri is their son, who they adore like Dev wishes Dale adored him. And since Peri isn’t Dev’s godparent here and therefore doesn’t feel the need to look out for/do right by him, Peri would like sass him harder or treat him as an annoyance, an extension of any tension that comes up when C&W their clingy thing. In a scenario where Dev still ended up under an anti-fairy’s influence, he might even wish Peri was Nothing, or still kidnap Peri here out of misplaced resentment

Dev and Hazel

I feel like swapping fairies would also affect their relationship. Part of their comes from Dev’s jealousy over Hazel’s relationship with C&W — she has two while he only has one, she has a positive relationship with her while his “can’t do anything right” (can’t cross the red tape of Da Rules, doesn’t have the experience/comfort level to go buckwild with wishes/has parents that love him/etc). Here, that wouldn’t be a problem— Hazel wouldn’t care that Dev has two fairies instead of one, and C&W would probably have an easier time getting through Dev’s defenses. It’s possible that a lot of their fights and negative interactions just wouldn’t happen here, and if they did, it would be related to Hazel wanting Dev to be nicer to C&W/Peri.

[suzukiblu]

Day twenty-five of “obligatory sugar baby Kon” behind the cut. prev: (( chrono || non-chrono ))

Also then he fucking ruins his best non-funerary/non-gala slacks with ground-in gravel, rips a hole in the upper sleeve of his button-down, and nearly wipes out three times but only actually wipes out once, which ends up in him on his back and out of breath with Kon leaning over him and grinning down in delight as he reaches down to offer him a hand up. 

Tim takes it, because why the hell would he ever turn down the opportunity to hold Kon's hand? 

“That fall was sick,” Kon says as he pulls him to his feet, grinning wider at him. Tim isn’t really sure how to take that, considering. Like, Kon seems happy, but also he doesn’t love that Kon’s first comment was about him fucking up, so–“You’re really good at it, bet if you got tossed off a bridge you’d be super-easy to catch!” 

“. . . uh,” Tim says, vaguely bewildered. “Thanks . . .?” 

“And your balance is killer!” Kon continues enthusiastically, grabbing his other hand too and squeezing them both instead of letting go of him, and Tim realizes that Kon was, in fact, actually complimenting him with the comment about falling, which is . . . really weird, okay, but does make him feel better about the first comment thing. And, well . . . it does actually kind of make sense that Kon would be more impressed by examples of control, rather than strength or superpowers or stuff he sees every day. Like–technical skills over just throwing raw power at a problem until it stays the hell down, which is definitely what Kon’s used to. 

But also it makes literally no sense at all, because it’s Kon. The idea of big and bright and flashy Kon who does everything he can to take up space and get attention being the type to appreciate things like the fiddling little balance adjustments he did on the fly and the way he controlled his wipeout just feels, like–weird. 

Maybe it's just another example of a thing Kon is too busy acting cool to show Robin, but doesn't mind showing Tim Drake. 

“Thanks,” Tim says again, briefly wondering why Kon is completely incapable of putting up with Robin getting technical or detailed but can appreciate it in Tim Drake. 

. . . admittedly, the fact Kon wants to make out and, uh–take pictures with Tim Drake probably does make him more inclined to not find him annoying. Also Tim Drake isn’t the one in charge of both him and their entire team in regular stressful situations and there’s no one around who Kon might perceive him as stealing the attention of. 

Yeah, alright, he’s asking himself stupid questions again. 

Well, alright, so everything he was actually trying to impress Kon with is literally not even anything he cares about, all his best and slightly-too-Bat-level attempts aside, but he had pretty much expected it, just hoped that–

“The rail slide thing was so cool,” Kon continues again, sounding just as enthusiastic and back to beaming at him, and Tim . . . pauses, and then–“I dunno how you even did that without flying, and you did it so fast, and–�� 

Tim doesn’t intentionally time it, but he needs to disassociate a little so he’s just counting a bit in his head, and therefore he knows that Kon spends exactly forty-seven seconds talking his ear off about literally every single one of the skate tricks he just did while still holding both his hands. Which doesn’t sound that long, technically, but definitely feels pretty long. 

And also pretty mortifying, because forty-seven seconds of Kon recounting every single trick that Tim is perfectly aware of having just done to him in an excited, delighted tone with his face all lit up in delight is . . . is a thing. That is happening to him. Actively. For forty-seven seconds. 

Forty-seven seconds. 

Tim really does not know how he’s supposed to pretend to not be going insane about this situation. Like that just isn’t a reasonable expectation. 

Kon stops to take a breath at second forty-eight, and Tim decides this is actually the perfect time to be more proactive in their physical relationship without any chance of Kon feeling like he had to drop any hints first. 

Well, no, Tim just grabs Kon’s face and kisses him stupid. But the first option is how he’s gonna explain why he did that to anyone he might ever have to explain it to, as opposed to if I didn’t kiss him right then and there I was going to have to go murder the Joker at LEAST fifteen years early and I just don't think Batman's thinly-veiled excuse for mental health could handle that, which is understandably a more loaded response and might lead to inconvenient follow-up questions he really doesn’t have time for in his schedule. 

Ideally he won’t be explaining himself to anyone, obviously, but contingency plans are contingency plans.

[urban-fleabag]

hi!! i do feel kinda weird for asking for therian tips like right after you got an ask on the same subject but i was def wondering if i could have any feline tips? for reference i am a cladotherian (felidae) and i kinda just have felt kinda disconnected from my therianthropy so i was wondering if theres anything i can do about that? i am not comfy meditating just for personal reasons and i dont do much quads or vocals due to an unsafe environment in my home. i kind of am generally wanting tips and things that can pass as human behavior just as a heads up!! im really sorry again if this is a super picky ask / if you dont want to do another one of these therian tip posts,,, thank you in advance if you end up responding <3 (/p heart)

You're all good, and I don't mind helping out where I can! You're not being picky, you're being specific and that's totally fine.

Anything that makes your room feel more comfortable to you is gonna be a huge help, since it's your space. If I understand right, cladotherians are all of that type of animal, right? That means you've got a ton of options to try out to see what room arrangements feel like a cozy home, and which of those you can pass off as a "nature aesthetic"- when I was a little kid my room was entirely jungle themed because I was absolutely obsessed with animals, and if when I moved in with my grandma I could've kept it I absolutely would've. Having a nature theme in there that's similar to an environment you'd have lived in could make you feel more at home!

Next, birdwatching in the park or your yard can definitely feel like you're watching prey, especially if you're in a housecat type of mood, and that's easily a human behavior too! If you have a couch or chair that gets nice Sunbeam light during the day, I also recommend a nap there once in a while- therian or not that just feels good. If anyone asks, just say you got too cozy and dozed off. And, if you're the type to establish a territory, just walking in nature could really help you out here! Doubly so if you're feeling connected at the moment to a cat that suits the climate and current weather- take a nature walk and remind yourself that you're at home and you're part of all this.

All felines are obligated carnivores, so adding some extra meat (or meat-textured non meat foods if you don't eat meat) to your diet could make you feel like you're feeding your inner cat! If anyone asks, which they shouldn't, say you're just making sure you get enough protein, or if fish is your meat of choice, there are SO many good nutrients in fish that no one's going to question your uptick there.

Make the lack of vocals for you an advantage to you if you can. Many cats, especially feral domesticated cats, don't make a lot of sounds to start with! Housecats only meow as kittens and to humans for the most part, for example! So you might not be able to roar like a lion, but you can absolutely quietly stalk through your house like a panther, silent as to not alert your prey (leftovers in the fridge).

Also, if you've got a FiveBelow near you- they sell cat ear headphones! They're relatively cheap, under 15 iirc, comfortable and with decently good sound. It's gear without it being gear! If anyone questions, it's a trend to put cat ears on headphones right now, especially if you happen to be a gamer. I can personally attest to these, because they were the cheapest ones there for a while I had a couple pairs and they're super comfy.

I also recommend playing games that have you playing as different felines- it's weird to say but Roblox has a lot of these, give some a try and really get into the mindset.

I hope this helped! And remember- one day, your circumstances will change, and you'll be able to be as openly yourself as you want to be. There's a place in this world for creatures like us. ❤️

[loveandthings11]

Christmas in Connecticut ❤️

Summary: After being a little too dedicated to business school work and a little too inattentive to his relationship, Kendall shows up at Rava's house on Christmas Eve to fix things. Sweet Christmas fluff! Read on AO3

Merry Christmas, @tvgremlin!! 😘🎄🎅🏻

“It seems like you probably want space, so I’m going to go,” Rava says as she zips up her suitcase after a week staying with Kendall back at Harvard. It had felt weird to be at the business school after so many of their memories were made in on the undergrad campus. This week, she’d been disappointed to have spent too much time alone while he studied into the night and gave monosyllabic answers while staring down at the pages and declining almost every idea for date nights and parties. She’d decorated his apartment for Christmas while he focused and she tried to be understanding.

“No, come on, I want you here, I- just, you know, I had to study, you have no idea the pressure I’m under right now-“

“I have no idea? It’s all you talk about anymore,” she says. “I’m pretty sure you’re going to get the job no matter what.” He looks hurt, but she’s just done right now. 

“So- what, you think all this is for no reason because my dad’s just going to let me take over? You don’t think he’s looking for any reason not to give it to me? He already thinks I’m a lazy, partying-“

“Partying? You skipped all three of the Christmas parties with our friends last week, so if he thinks that…“ she trails off and stares at her shoes. Her eyes fill with tears and her voice breaks. “Everyone kept asking me if we’re breaking up.”

He softens and walks over to her.

“No, fuck, no, of course not,” he says as forcefully as he can without upsetting her further. “You- you told them no, right? I mean, you know that’s not happening.”

“Yeah,” she answers, not enthusiastically enough. “I mean, I know you had to study, but could there be a balance? I feel like I barely saw you.” She sighs and he feels annoyance, guilt, and worry converging all at once. She looks at her watch and glances at the sparkly tennis bracelet he’d given her last Christmas. “I have to go home.”

“No- wait, just stay and talk-“ he starts.

“I’ll miss my train,” she says.

“Take the helicopter.” He’s asking more than insisting. She shakes her head. She needs to have some time to herself.

“No… thanks, but just not this time. Okay? I’m gonna be late. I’ll call you.” He feels his stomach flip as she walks over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek and walks out the door.

………..

“You’re leaving on Christmas Eve, Kendall, seriously?” Shiv rolls her eyes and her brother heads toward the door. "You're being dramatic," she echoes Caroline's old catchphrase.

“Yeah, I don’t really know why we’re acting like being in the same room is a good idea and I just- I have to go." He's not in the mood for verbal battles and has more important things to take care of.

“Guys, let’s just understand that our brother has a serious commitment to someone he’d rather be with than us tonight- his coke dealer,” Roman says loudly. Logan almost imperceptibly shakes his head in disapproval and the minuscule movement is missed by no one.

“Right, that's where I'm going,” Kendall snaps at Roman as he walks out, face burning. No matter how many times they spar, he can’t seem to make the words bounce off instead of sink in and cause him pain. Somehow the jokes don’t quite feel like jokes. He thinks about the only person who’s always on his side and feels like he’d do just about anything for one of her endless hugs right now. Maybe she’d see him tonight- it’s been two days since she went home for the holidays and he misses her.

An hour and a half later, he’s nervously standing outside her parents’ house wondering what he was thinking coming here when he’s never met her family before. He hopes she’s the one to answer the door and is relieved she is. She’s a little shocked to see him and quickly realizes that he must have needed an escape. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking up at her even as he’s a little slumped. “I should’ve spent the whole time with you, that was- I don’t want you to think I don’t want you to be there, I always want you to be there.”

“Okay. Well, thank you for that- are you okay?” She asks. Even through the uncertainty and upset feelings, she can’t stand to see that forlorn expression.

“I- yeah. I don’t know.”

“Festivities not so festive?”

He looks down.

“Not so much."

“Because… your dad was terrible and your siblings didn’t care?” Her expression is slightly bored. She doesn’t want to hear the same story as an excuse for him acting so distant last week. He shifts uncomfortably. She must be getting sick of him and his situation. If she’s not sympathizing then no one will.

“No- well, yeah, but I get that you don’t care,” He sighs. “Actually, I don’t even fucking care, I wasn’t even really… there. I was- in my mind I was here, and- I just wanted to see you and tell you I’m sorry. Doing it tonight is probably really dumb, I’ll let you get back to your whole family and everything.”

He turns back to the car and figures he’ll find a hotel somewhere. She looks at the snow on the ground for a second before deciding what to do.

“No, don’t go,” she says. He turns around. “It’s not dumb. I couldn’t really focus on anything here either.” She pauses. “I can’t just let you go back home.”

“No, I could go back to the city, get the Four Seasons, I guess. Last time the Plaza was kind of-“ she’s raising her eyebrows. “Yeah, whatever. Just not… there.” He looks at her and hesitantly takes her hand. “I-I don’t want space from you. I want things to be good.” She nods and holds his mittened hands.

“Me too.” She’s shivering without a coat and he pulls her toward him.

“Fuck, it’s really cold. Can I just… be with you for a while?” He asks, those eyes somehow bigger than they were a minute ago.

Sometimes she can’t believe he can still be vulnerable like this after being in a family like that.

“Of course,” she says. “It really is freezing!” She sees her breath. “Come on,” she says quietly, leading him into the house and closing the door behind him. They’re both relieved at the immediate warmth. She unzips his coat and gives him a hug underneath it to warm up further. He snuggles his face into her hair for a moment, absorbing her as much as he can. She looks up at him and gives him a kiss.

“I’m sorry about your family,” she says gently. She looks sad. “On Christmas Eve, too. I do care. I really care. Sorry it seemed like I didn’t, I was just- mad. You know I’m always here, right?”

He nods as he hugs her back. This is exactly what he was hoping for. They hold hands for a minute longer and she leans into him as he looks around the foyer. The seven-bedroom house is beautiful and spacious and full of cheerful Christmas lights. Happy holiday music wafts in and it smells like sugar cookies. Kendall feels a pang of envy. He thought scenes like this only existed in movies.

“So this is real, huh? You live on the fucking Hallmark Channel,” he smiles. “The cookies, the lights, the garlands, are-are you about to choose your small-town hardware store boyfriend over me?”

“This is Greenwich, Kendall. And you seem to know a lot about the Hallmark Channel,” she smirks at him.

“I work in media,” he insists. She doesn’t need to know about the secret Christmas movie he’d watched last week. It was romantic, but it had made him just a little anxious to see his type being portrayed as a shallow villain, and he wondered if she watched things like that.

“Yes,” she nods gratuitously. “Media. Of course.”

Rava’s mom comes into the room, pearl earrings and white cable knit sweater the perfect picture of the holidays.

“Oh, my God, honey, he really does exist!” She jokes.

“Oh, my God, Mom, you’re the worst,” Rava tries not to grin as Kendall watches her blush. “Mom, this is Kendall.”

“Kendall,” she says warmly. “I’m Cheryl. It is so nice to finally meet you. Just as cute as the pictures. You’re all I hear about from this one.” She pats Rava’s arm as she dies of embarrassment. 

“Okay, Mom.”

Kendall chuckles.

“It’s- really nice to meet you, too. And I’m glad to hear that,” he smiles at Rava, who refuses to look at him. “I brought some champagne,” he says, pulling out a bottle that only those in the know would understand costs as much as a small car.

“Oh, well, you’re even more perfect than I’ve heard,” Rava’s mom smiles in recognition at the bottle. Nothing she’d buy for herself, but something she wished to have. Kendall smiles at the idea of Rava saying he’s perfect. “Come in, come in- you better hang on to him, my beautiful girl.” Cheryl pets Rava’s hair and her daughter rolls her eyes. 

“I don’t have to stay long, you know, interrupt the whole Christmas Eve celebration,” Kendall says carefully as he takes off his coat and hangs it up in the closet.

“Don’t be silly! It’s one holiday of many in this house. We’re thrilled you’re here. Stay as long as you’d like.” Cheryl gestures to the menorah on the mantle with pretty gold twinkle lights strung across the mantle around it. She can picture the kind of cold, awful evening he must have left to come here on Christmas Eve without planning it. She has a feeling if he didn’t stay here he would spend the holidays alone.

“Have a seat by the fire,” she says, leading them in. Kendall and Rava sit on the couch and take in the warmth as she walks to the kitchen. Kendall looks around at the tall, grand Christmas tree, full of colored lights and personalized ornaments.

“Where’s your dad?” He asks.

“On the phone with my aunt and uncle,” she smiles. “They talk forever.”

“That’s nice,” he says genuinely. He can’t imagine. He wishes he and his siblings were like that. He decides he’ll text them something nice on Christmas tomorrow. One step at a time. Rava’s mom comes back in with a plate of decorated sugar cookies and champagne glasses. 

“Have some cookies. Calories don’t count at Christmas,” she winks. She pours the champagne and sits back on the comfortable armchair across from them, tucking a lock of hair back into her elegant updo.

“So, Kendall, how is Harvard part two? Business school as fun as college?”

“Not even close,” he smiles. “But it’s great, I’m- learning a lot.” Rava smiles. She knows he could probably teach some of the classes he’s taking after basically growing up in a business school.

“You probably don’t even need that,” Cheryl laughs. Her laugh is easy and light just like Rava’s.

“Oh, I do,” he says earnestly. “I’m- hoping to take over Waystar someday and I don’t think that would happen without an MBA.”

“Is that definitely what you want to do?” she asks him. Somehow she looks right through the façade in two seconds, just like her daughter.

“Absolutely. Been planning it forever.” She notices the automatic answer. He means it, but she’s guessing he’s never been allowed to think of any answer but that one.

“Then I’m sure you’ll do it,” she says sincerely. His honest look of gratitude makes her want to pat him on the head.

“Thank you,” he says. “I hope so. School’s pretty far from Rava in Connecticut, though,” he laments, looking at her for a second. God, she got prettier in the last two minutes. He didn’t think he could want her more, but he does. Rava looks at him for a second too long for there to be anyone else in the room.

“It is far,” Rava says. 

“I’m sure all those helicopter rides make it better,” Cheryl says with a knowing look. Kendall smiles.

“Yeah, it’s just easier,” he replies casually.

“Well, cheers to that!” She laughs and looks at Rava. “And cheers to your father probably actually attempting to wrap the last-minute gifts he got me. Honey, send out good thoughts that it’s those diamond bracelets we saw last month when we were out shopping!”

“Well, let’s hope!” Rava laughs.

Her mom takes her champagne glass and goes to find her husband.

“Your mom’s great,” Kendall says, already feeling more cheerful. He picks up a cookie and takes a bite. “I feel like- that went pretty well, right?”

“It went so well!” She takes a sip from her glass and pulls him to her for a slow kiss. “I missed you,” she smiles into his lips. He’s so relieved.

“I missed you, too,” he whispers.

She pulls the cashmere throw blanket off the back of the couch and covers them with it, laying her head on his shoulder and looking over at the Christmas tree.

“I’m really happy you’re here,” she says, wrapping her arms around him.

For the first time, he lets himself imagine what his life would be like all the time if he left the Roy fold. It hurts a little to think too hard about. It’s been planned. But he leans into Rava’s embrace. Maybe he can somehow have both. Maybe next Christmas she’ll have some new jewelry on her finger. He smiles at the thought.

“I’m really happy, too.”

[dimeadozencows]

This came to me in an early morning queer haze

Kissing my medics good morning (I am your husband heavy and I love you)

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

ok this is a deeply deeply weird manifesto and i'm sorry but i feel suddenly very burdened to say it so. if you felt like we were friends and i unfollowed you, this is for you. (don't be scared this is not about problems with anyone this is just my mess. that I think is ok to have which is why I'm talking about it)

so I joined tumblr in 2020 when a) the world was isolated b) I had just moved to a new city and was living alone taking Zoom classes in my apartment. what started as a mindless distraction became such a lifeline of connection and friendship! and still such a support as things started to open back up and get busier in 2021, when I was teaching and in class in person but still struggling for close in-person friendships. I know the group dynamic on here has shifted a number of times, as some of you probably experienced from various vantage points. my use of tumblr has shifted too, on and off, as I've needed different things out of it and been in different spiritual and emotional states. and I've kind of come to realize that I probably threw myself in too eagerly in some ways. it was so exciting to have actual friends on here and for them to actually turn into friends in person, that honestly I maybe prized that dynamic too much for what it symbolized over actually valuing the people. I'm sorry for doing that.

anyway, that worked fine for a bit, but as (glory be to God) I've become much more plugged into my in-person community in the last couple years, I've felt more and more emotionally strained. I've taken up a new attitude towards my family that's much more in line with God, but also much more draining as it means I have to just pour out in prayer and love and wait with patient sorrow over some things rather than fighting and defending my perspective as always right and necessary; and then there's the church-related grief my family has gone through over the last year. I've had a very delicate and difficult friendship that pulled up a lot of unresolved stuff from a college situation and felt endlessly wearying at times. I've had another issue from college recur in a way I thought had been healthily resolved years ago. I've had this whole roommate marriage situation that as y'all know is a very weird trial and pressure. My church has been dealing with a strange and tough ongoing struggle that was already stressing me out before I started working there. My small group has been amazing and I've loved connecting with and relying on them more, but that connection also means more fully bearing the griefs of a lot of different people dealing with the different struggles of life. My advisor situation has been so weird and tough, making my academic work really hard, and then this recent church work has been fulfilling but physically and often mentally exhausting. My future location, work, and community is up in the air after a few years of stability. (I really didn't mean to make this a recitation of my woes, but honestly it's really helpful to see it all written out here; helps explain my deep deep exhaustion, I guess.)

If I ever followed you on tumblr, I love you. In a number of different ways. I feel fondness at the thought of you and at your presence; I want to know you more fully; I desire the good for you; and I find my well-being to be, at least a little bit, tied up with yours. That last one is the rub. As I'm sorting through all the callings and duties in my life, trying to identify what counts as changing my tires versus what wears my tires out, I've found that my tumblr dashboard can switch back and forth very unpredictably between one thing and the other. Often it's a delight to come on here and find my friends and the cool things we're showing each other and the joys and sorrows and goofy moments of our lives! But at other times, when what I desperately need is an escape and rest and humor to provide solace from in-person cares, I find myself pricked all over again by the sorrow of the world and the stress of sin--or even just irritated by stuff I find irrelevant or disagree with or don't want to be reminded of.

To be clear, I'm not saying anyone's doing anything wrong on here. The opposite; I love the freedom y'all have to seek out what helps you, whether that's a lot of facts and ideas or a lot of goofy content or recipes or weird TV or music or venting about life or seeking prayer or advice! We all have the freedom and responsibility to determine how to use the tools we have to aid us in pursuing the good, whether the good is a quick laugh or building up virtue. But I think for me, at this point in my life, my duty and calling has swung back towards my in-person connections in a variety of ways, and I have to honor that.

The lie of infinity that the internet offers is just that--a lie. for me, that lie right now is being laid bare in my inability to have infinite care for everyone whose path I cross. I could follow everyone on here whom I'm endeared to, could keep messaging and replying and building relationships, but it would be a lie to think I can offer that love and care to everyone I would like to. In-person friendships are limited by physical proximity and time; online friendships can't be unlimited either. I need to apologize for acting as though they could be, and committing myself beyond my limits; but also, my life has really changed, and I'm not going to be caught either by the lie that online is only worthwhile if it's permanent.

I want to be clear that I value the connections I've had with you. I've loved exchanging mail and phone calls, messaging fun things back and forth, being online at the same time or learning about your day after the fact. Please know, also, that I have gone to war in prayer for you, and I continue to do so. I wish that I knew how to love widely without feeling pulled apart and worn down, by difference and sorrow and sin (mine and yours). I hope God is sanctifying me toward that end. But right now I'm fairly convinced I need to honor my calling to in-person friendships; I need to protect my mind and heart from even little pricks and distractions, so that I can keep my desires in order and use my energy for prayer and Scripture and to do good work and love the people God's made my physical neighbors. I really do love you, and I wish we had infinite time to talk and think together. I'm so excited to be with y'all in heaven forever. And who knows--maybe my life will shift yet again (it's looking likely) and I'll have a ton of spare energy and love and will come sheepishly back looking to connect with you again. We'll see. You deserve love and attention and connection, in person and online, and I'm sorry that--at least as it feels to me--I held out the promise of giving you that and then had to withdraw it.

so. there's all that. My dash is super quiet these days, thwarting my dopamine search but pushing me towards texting friends, towards meditating more fully on Scripture, towards praying over my work and burdens. I hope you can understand and maybe even be glad that, God willing, this is how I'm able and needing to work for the kingdom right now. love you love you

[tenojan-in-tevinter]

Honestly I really want to be able to side with Solas in dreadwolf. I think it'd be super interesting to play as an elf in Tevinter and be able to just go "yeah actually I think Fen'Harel is right let's tear down that veil." I mean I assume the main conflict will be Solas trying to convince your character to join him, or your character being told they have to try and stop him, and there are not enough games that let you side with the presented "villain" character. I want to see what the world is like with no veil I'm so interested. Also so interested to see what full-on Fen'Harel Solas is like. Is he still as empathetic? Or is he more conniving and distanced from "mortals" like the old stories would have us believe?

[coollyinterferes]

*taps mic; a certain gentleman is standing right beside him*

"Good evenin', everyone!! We're back!! Hope you didn't miss us much!"

"It sure hasn't been that long.... has it....?"

Uhhmmm....

[dariadraws]

@flitwickslittlebrotha hello and happy holidays from your @aftgexchange buddy! all your prompts were super fun so it was genuinely hard to choose which one to make, but in the end i went for Andrew/Kevin slice of life, so please enjoy this little snapshot of a nice, relaxing post-game afternoon. sorry this is a little late but i hope you like it!!

[yuukimiyas]

( ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵ ) good mornin!! its finally the wknd!! yay!! :3 its 12/30 over here in the states but im wishing a HUGE happy nye/new yr to all of my sweets in dif timezones!! ໒꒰ྀི∩˃ ᵕ ˂∩꒱ྀི১ you’ve done an amazing job in 2023 & im so excited to see what 2024 brings you all!! <33 lets finish out this yr strong w spreading sm love & light to others!! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و squeezin you in a HUGE hug!!!

[elegyofthemoon]

SCREAMS

[despairforme]

Wakes up. Chooses violence. Against himself - by knocking his head on the doorframe. Why is this his life.

[astrxealis]

so sad i only started following you after fanfest bro i would have love to meet you :3

OH HELLOO !! nice to meet you online at least omg hehe ^_^ but dw we didn't miss out on meeting each other at fanfest i was Not there (unfortunately... sobs) but next time, maybe, would be super cool ;3 <3

[sundaysundaes]

hi, kana!

i just want to tell you that you’re one of my favorite writers here, and i’m so in love with your works (especially your haechan fics because i’m a haechan girlie).

whenever i need a REALLY good story to read, i just go through your masterlist (which is basically a gold mine for me) and reread your works.

well, what can i say? they’re THAT good. you’re THAT good.

you’re an excellent writer. you write interesting and amazing stories. your humor is unmatched.

and i’m so glad i stumbled upon your blog a year ago or so.

p.s. i hope you’re doing well lately! <3

p.p.s. i just read that you don’t write for nct anymore, but that’s okay! i just hope you don’t stop writing. ily!

Hi, darling 💕💕💕

awwww thank you so much 😭😭😭 I'm so glad you liked them!! I honestly don't know what to say, I just wanna thank you for sending this message to me, you just made my night ❤️ and to have you re-read my stories again... AAAAAA THANK YOU!!!

[clemencetaught]

FERRE; SWEET, WONDERFUL, DEAR FERRE!!!! HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO YOU 🎂🎉🥳🍰!!!!

May this day be full of fantastic moments, pleasant surprises, good company, delicious food and everything great that the world has to offer 💖 I hope this new year for you is covered with happiness, success, good health, memorable experiences and heartwarming situations 😊✨️!! I'm wishing you the best today and ALWAYS!!!

You are such a supportive, understanding, creative and marvelous soul;; your presence is a bright light that brings comfort, ease and joy 🥺 I thank you IMMENSELY for your friendship, for all those lovely chats where we freely go back and forth with our thoughts (I LOVE!! READING ALL YOU HAVE TO SHARE!! I'D READ ENTIRE BOOKS OF THAT!!); for all the stories we've written and developed together (ALL THOSE MARVELOUS PLOTS THAT BRING ME BOTH JOY AND PAIN ((but its okay, I signed up for the wounds 😭😂)), I KEEP THEM ALL IN MY HEART AND I AM CONTINUOUSLY THRILLED TO WRITE AND CREATE WITH YOU!!!) and for!! Giving my muses and I a chance 🥲

It's been nothing but AN HONOR, to get to know you, chat and write with you, and I hope we continue to do this fOR MANY MORE YEARS (I mean…you're stuck with me, THE RECEIPT IS LOST SO YOU CANT RETURN ME HSOWAKBAAJ 😂)!!

It also makes me very happy to celebrate your birthday once more, I HAVE MY PARTY HAT ON AND I'M THROWING HEART-SHAPED CONFETTI ALL OVER THE PLACE 🎉🎉🎉🥳🥳🥳❤️

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, PLEASE HAVE A FANTABULOUS DAY!!! I CARE YOU AND ADORE YOU HEAPS, MY FRIEND!!!!

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! ✨️✨️✨️✨️

@jeoseungsaja alex has me like:

ALEX!!!! 🥰🥰🥰😭😭😭💕

you know nowadays it’s so weird to me?? To remember when there was a time where I wasn’t writing or plotting with you- it's hard to believe that we started writing together about two years ago...which is why i am SO GRATEFUL that you gave me the chance to not only write and plot with you but also be your friend 🥺🥺🥺 you are a SUCH a kind and thoughtful person and i'm sure everyone who is lucky enough to be mutuals with you can testify in my favor here and the judge is also biased towards me, sorry folks, the right to a fair trial in this case?? no such thing fjksldjf 😌

ANYWAYS i can only say i have such wonderful and intricate characters and plots on here because of my wonderful and creative partners such as you and all of our lovely mutuals 🥺🥺🥺 any day i get the chance to interact with you always is a good day in my book!! I always feel like a dash of dophmomine when I see u around 💕💕💕 and you know i am ALWAYS an excited puppy for our plots and  your characters ( and even MORE PLOTS….we could have 1923947373 and I would be down for more still DHDJDJD 😂😂😂 )- I also v sorry for the pain i gib u ( black knight verse )and for the pain coming in the future too ( thg verse WHICH ALSO THANK YOU JUMPING IN THE HOLE AND DRAGGING HYUK AND HAE GEON AND WILDER AND JAEHWAN AND ALL UR OTHER CHARACTERS IN TOO, it’s big enough for everyone 😌 )….if it helps it gives me pain too and any pain u gib me I shall take stride….I’ll also pay u ( and ur charas, hyuk especially )back with happiness I swear ( + tissues and consoling too 🥲🥲🥲 ) 💕💕💕💕

but thank YOU for your sweet, sweet message- I will admit when I woke up on my bday I wasn’t in most amazing of moods but reading ur message put a huge smile on my face ☺️☺️☺️ you are such a bright spot on this hellsite and most certainly a ☀️ on my dash and I am very thankful to have met you- I’m always in awe that I get to be able to interact with someone who is not only an excellent writer with characters that jump off the page but also a decent and genuinely all around good person 🥲🥲🥲 this is all to say just like you said, unfortunately for us both I will be stuck to u like superglue even after this hellsite dies 😂😂😂 not even returning the receipt will help u there!!

all in all though, thank you SO MUCH for the birthday wishes ( and YOUR GIFT DONT THINK YOURE GETTING AWAY WITH ME NOT NOTICING 🤩🤩🤩 )!! care you so much and I know for sure that this year will be as wonderful as the last since you’ll be there 🥰🥰🥰