#I hope for my trans brother’s life that I’m wrong

[undeadlobster]

The Ukrainians’s blood is on your hands

The Palestinians’s blood is on your hands

Likely the Taiwaneses’s and South Koreans’s blood is on your hands

I hope sitting out the election because Kamala wasn’t perfect was worth it

Trump will make every goddamn one of these international crisis worse

The women bleeding out in hospital parking lots’s blood is on your hands

The immunocompromised’s blood is on your hands

The queer community’s blood is on your hands

The entire fucking Hispanic population of the USA’s blood is on your hands

We watched this man throw a coup, face no repercussions, and then win by over 5 million votes. He will never leave office again. We gave him the Supreme Court, the House and the Senate

America’s blood is on your hands

The World’s blood is on your hands

I hope not voting was worth it

[needle-thread-thimble-spear]

Revolutionary Girl Utena and Epistemic Violence

or

Why Anthy is not a trans girl (but she is to me)

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Ohtori, as any good setting tends to, carries a lot of thematic weight. It’s a fairy world, where metaphorical illusion blurs personal hopes over a poisoned interior structure, to the point where an outside perspective may struggle to distinguish between what a character is thinking and what is actually happening. Time and memory are suggestions whispered in the ear of its students, a cyclic hell where the same puppets are played in position, memories broken but dreams intact, to test new victims and forge new swords. A kingdom of nowhen, ruled from above by a king that refuses to see that the prison he built cannot ever free him. A hierarchy where the misogyny taught to children to prepare them for the grown up version is baked into the very structure of the world, belying a culture of horrible sexual violence. And at the very bottom of that hierarchy, the victim-witch, is the kings own sister. A sort of broken Omelas, where one girl must suffer forever and ever, not to end the suffering of others, but to keep them in the dark. Especially her brother. What Ohtori is, and the hierarchies that it represents both within the work and outside of it, hinges on the suffering of that girl. And, maybe more importantly, her silence.

~~

Revolutionary Girl Utena changed my life. I’ve been saying this nearly two years now, mostly as a joke, but with distance I can see it really isn’t. When you are in the depths of an abusive relationship, it is extremely difficult to see what’s happening to you. I don’t wish to dwell on my own story here too much, but how can I ignore it? RGU was the language I used to understand what had happened to me. Images from the show flit through my mind as though I were a Tamarian. Utena, in the window. Anthy, with the candelabra. Utena, her hands cut with thorns. Anthy with the white beret. After finishing the show for the first time I felt sickened. Not merely because of the subject matter depicted, raw and horrible as it is, but because I saw myself in it. Why do I feel such a kinship with Anthy?

I think, dear reader, you may be able to imagine the horror inherent to that realization. You might have felt it, you may be feeling it now.

It seemed obvious to me then, for reasons I could not begin to fathom, that Anthy was a trans girl. Reeling from my first watch, this felt like the only conclusion I could draw though I couldn’t tell you why. For years, I have drafted and redrafted essays attempting to justify this feeling. Recently, I posted an reading of Miki as a transfem character, and I don’t feel particularly strongly about that reading! Sure, aspects of his character were relatable to me, I could draw analogies well enough, but that was completely secondary to my actual goal. Practice for the transfem Anthy essay. Looking back on what I’d written now, I don’t. Hate? What I wrote. There’s definitely some aspects I’d repudiate now. If you enjoyed reading it, if it meant something to you, I’m glad. But even as I was writing it it felt incomplete and limited. And I believe I understand why.

What did I get wrong about Miki and Kozue? What lies in Ohtori’s heart? What lies in that bed of rotten rose petals?

We all know what does, but we do not want to see it and certainly don’t want to talk about it.

It’s Nanami’s disgust with Anthy, with herself. It’s Miki and Kozue’s confused but earnest posturing. It’s Utena looking up at Akio, it’s Anthy’s vacant stare.

Even here, I’m speaking in abbreviated reference. But it’s abuse, sexual, at times incestuous abuse, that touches every character in RGU.

I’d recently seen a few posts which I think hit on a really common phenomena among fans of the show. Our own stories, our own disgust, our own fears and our own traumas, sort of get in the way when we talk about RGU. I think it’s a natural consequence. RGU deals with heavy subject matter that is very difficult to sit with. I don’t think it’d be incorrect to say most western fans of RGU are queer in some way. We’re much more likely, as consequence, to suffer from interpersonal abuse. And naturally, we are drawn to these characters since they represent, with so few holds barred, some of our worst experiences. But does that make them like us?

For the record, I think it would be ridiculous to suggest that RGU isn't a queer show and that it isn't filled with queer characters. But, for as obvious a conclusion as this is, a surprising depth of that queerness is veiled in subtext. It’s worth considering, the endless arguments over whether Anthy and Utena are lesbians or bisexual, is sort of inconsequential. The important thing is that they have escaped, together! We could suppose that, were Ohtori a real place, we could go track down the two of them and demand from them an answer. How do you feel, Anthy, about your attraction to Akio? What does that mean to you? Would you please quell that horrible disgust we feel thinking about it? Inquiring readers would like to feel better know!

When one leaves Ohtori, one leaves the view of the audience. Utena and Anthy are in love with one another, but what that means to them (and themselves) is out of our reach.

And yet, I can’t seem to shake my original conclusion, from my first watch. Surely it cannot be intended! Hell, even the fact that Anthy is desi is sort of incidental to any commentary on social injustice, the motivation for depicting her (and Akio) this way was to exoticize them relative to the rest of the school. So is this image of Anthy as a brown trans girl, her position in Ohtori being a result of transmisogyny, some western myopia? Mere projection of the aggrieved self on a character who, by her nature, absorbs the feelings and impressions of those around her?

Sort of?

Revolutionary Girl Utena was created in a Japanese cultural context, to be sure, but it’s worth noting that while the precise execution of (trans)misogyny and other gender injustices may vary from culture to culture, patriarchy isn’t exactly exclusive to the west. There is a lot of different directions we could run in here, but the one I want to focus on is epistemic violence (a good primer linked here if the term is unfamiliar). *

In Ohtori, all girls are like princesses, unless they are like witches. And, sooner or later, all girls are like the rose bride, the doll-witch, the synthesis. This is how patriarchy works. There is a concept of “permissible” femininity, and an “impermissible” feminity. There is the wife, the mother, the domestic servant, who is permitted some limited social power by her utility to a patriarch (primarily as a mother to trueborn children). Then there is, well, everyone else. “Loose” women, sure, but also those who have been damaged by sexual violence. Those who cannot bear children, because of some accident of their physiology. These women are used, for feminized labor, for sex, but because of the stigma associated with them and the issues they present toward patrilineal succession, they are subject to various censure. One does not talk about survivors of sexual violence or sex workers in polite society. It is possible for some to travel between these two categories, although it is far, far easier to go from “type 1” to “type 2” than the other direction. Indeed, for some it is not possible to have ones “virtue” restored. If we aren’t being reduced to predatory inhuman monsters, trans women, both a hypersexualized object of intense fetishization and incapable of bearing children, are placed into the second category automatically. Lots of would be abusers are happy to whisper in our ears, that they will treat us like we are “type 1”, but invariably they do not.**

The most maddening thing to me about being a trans woman is this, inability for anyone to see the violence that happens to you. People don’t believe you can be the subject of (sexual) violence, even though the fact it occurs to you, regularly, should be obvious to anyone who thinks about how we are perceived for just a moment! You cannot speak up without sounding delusional, it can happen right in front of a stranger, your best friend, and they wont bat an eye. That you are so incredibly disgusting, no one would want to hurt you that way.

Anthy isn’t a trans girl. But the system that silences her, treats her like she deserves her victimization, that she is irrevocably tainted by her relationship with Akio, the system that keeps us, the audience, from internalizing the dreadful truth of her character, this veil of silence, of covered ears and closed eyes, is extant in the lives of all misbegotten gender-oppressed rejects. If we are going to draw analogies between ourselves and Anthy, or Utena, or Nanami, or any the rest of them, we need to pull back that veil. Indeed, it's confronting (and then escaping from) that choking, word-stopping bile that sits at the core of RGU's thesis. I don’t think it’s wrong for us to relate to the characters in RGU, and write about that. But we might stop to consider why before we do!

*If you’re curious to read more about patriarchy across cultures, here is a really incisive article on the phenomena of third sexing, the operation of (trans)misogyny and gendered violence in parallel across cultural contexts, and how that relates to the western and desi sphere (but also more broadly).

**It should also be noted that there can be no comparison of suffering of anyone under patriarchy. Even the most vaunted cis man, I suppose. But there can be a comparison of power, and this is why we discuss it rather than throw up our hands.

Thank you for reading, I think this is the last I'm going to write about RGU for a while, though there's quite a bit I want to say about Utena and Anthy's relationship. So someday, I'll get around to more! And a perennial thank you to @empty-movement for the high quality archival images.

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

Aug 11th

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1. Hi guys! This will probably I think goes in the fic finder.

So all I remember is wangxian had gotten together, it was post cannon I think? And they go on a hunt together along with Jiang Cheng or maybe they meet Jiang cheng on the way but either ways, things go wrong and the demon slashes wwx's neck and somehow they all fall down a cliff where lwj and jc try to keep wwx alive.

Thank you!

FOUND? The Warmest Hands by AvoOwO (M, 46k, wangxian, JC & WWX, WWX & LSZ & LWJ, major character injury, hurt WWX, blood & gore, heavy angst w/ happy ending, blindness, PTSD, alcoholism, fights, JC & WWX reconciliation, non-sexual intimacy, tenderness, WIP)

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2. Hi! I hope you are doing well. Please help me find this fic. Wwx erased himself and travel back in time. Wwx saw his parent and they have a little bit conversation, such why the couple never had a child or something. I remember there is a scene where wwx ask ‘how do you know I’m your son?’ then I think csr said ‘I always recognized my husband face everywhere’.

Please help me. Thank you!!!

FOUND? This unrolled threadfic by cerbykerby (WIP)

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3. For a fic finder:

It was during an AU version of the sunshot campaign where people thought that WWX and YLLZ were separate people and LWJ had fallen for both. LWJ decides to gently let down YLLZ but realizes that the two are the same person because he played/recognized wangxian. Thank you for all the help you provide

Number three on the current finder “The Scarlet Lotus” is wrong, the fic im looking for was a one shot. Thank you for the suggestion, may read the suggested fic later to try it out

NOT FOUND The Scarlet Lotus by rainbowninja167 (M, 137k, WangXian, Marriage of Convenience, Secret Identity, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Canon-Typical Violence, canon-typical war crimes, Yunmeng Bros, the mortifying ordeal of getting seduced by your own husband, nonlinear chronology we die like cql, just kidding nobody dies in this fic, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication)

FOUND! Found the fic, it’s Lan Wangji and the Love(s) of his Life by baobeibaobae (T, 4k, WangXian, Identity Porn, Identity Reveal, Kissing, First Kiss, Marriage Proposal, Love Confessions, Happy Ending, Oblivious WWX, Flirty WWX, Jealous LWJ, Courting Rituals, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, JC is a Good Bro). Thank you anyway and have a nice day

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4. Hello! I'm trying to find this fic where WWX was transported into the body of a female Mo Xuanyu and promptly feels dysphoric about it. When LWJ finds him and takes him back to the Cloud Recesses, he helps WWX feel more comfortable and even allows him to change Mo Xuanyu's name into something else. Somewhere by the end of the fic, it's revealed that the reason why LWJ knows so much about "gender cultivation" is because he himself is trans and found ways to help himself transition.

I can't find it anywhere and I don't wanna lose hope in case it's deleted. Thank you for your help!

FOUND! In Reflection, Truth by Shadaras (T, 55k, WangXian, WWX is summoned into a woman's body, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-Typical Gore, this is a story about being transgender, Dysphoria, Misogynistic Slurs, Ableist Language, it's not slow burn if it's going to be faster than canon, Trans Male Character, Trans wish fulfillment, Canon Divergence - Yunmeng Brothers Have A Real Conversation)

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5. Hii hope you're having a good day!! I was wondering if you could find a fic where wei ying gets his original body back, completely unrecognisable, and decides to stroll around gusu in lan zhans clothing. People see lan zhan and wei ying together and assume that wei ying is a new consort. They later go together to a conference meeting where everyone gets mad because they think lan zhan is cheating

FOUND? Is Your Old Body Considered a Halloween Costume? by The_peregrine_falcon (G, 3k, WangXian, WWX's original body, Junior quartet makes an appearance, LQR's blood pressure is going up, LWJ is chief cultivator, Fluff, Canon Compliant, Post-Canon)

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6. Hello! I sent in this ff a couple months ago with no luck. Hoping to try again to find it! The fic was set during the Cloud Recesses Lectures era and WWX was cursed to lie. Everyone else mistakenly thought he was cursed to only tell the truth, so when he says things like “I hate you” they believe it. WWX gets really depressed that everyone believes that he doesn’t care about them. The curse is eventually broken when LWJ realizes it is a lie curse not a truth curse. If this sounds familiar at all please let me know!

FOUND! A Kiss of True Love to break a Curse by Wangxian101 (T, 5k, WangXian, Teenage Wangxian, Not Canon Compliant, kiss of true love, curse of lies, truth curse, Angst, Fluff, When the only way to break the curse is to kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Teen Angst, They are in love your honour, Oblivious WWX, Oblivious LWJ, there is only one brain cell in this group and it belongs to JC, LXC is the biggest wangxian shipper, jc is a good bro, Love Confessions, Getting Together, Gremlin WWX, Happily Every After, LXC will gut anyone who hurts his precious little brother, True Love’s Kiss, JC is an awkward bean, LWJ POV, WWX POV, WWX is a closet romantic, WWX loves his romance novels, Protective JC, JC loves his gremlin brother, Unrequited Love, Requited Unrequited Love, it all works out in the end)

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7. About 4-5 years ago I read a fic where WW awoke as a god of luck/fortune/fate after the siege. He ends up saving a-qing and she ends up following him after "fixing" XXC's soul, as well as XY's soul being stuck in a sword. God!WWX also ended up saving MXY too. The fic is also very long. the first couple of chapters are average length, but the last few are between 30-70k each. @annacakes2

FOUND? despite it all by novalotypo (T, 292k, wangxian, canon divergence, god of luck WWX, memory loss, non-linear narrative, WIP)

FOUND? Wuqian, the Local God of Yiling by Grace_ShadowWolf (TaubeLePigeon) (M, 80k, wangxian, WWX & LSZ & LWJ, major character death, canon divergence, angst w/ happy ending, god WWX, Chinese mythology & folklore, pining, temporary character death, WIP)

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8. looking for a fic where jin zixuan is a demonic cultivator? it's an au or canon divergence fic where it was him who got the sword in xuanwu. appreciate all the help you give us <3

FOUND! no step had trodden black by Stratisphyre (T, 32k, wangxian, LQR & WWX, JYL/JZX, canon divergence, madam lan lives, past rape, golden core reveal, hurt/Comfort, referenced to attempted suicide & suicidal thoughts, canon-typical violence) most likely not this one, as JZX doesn't go full modao (or even guidao) in it, but he does certainly pick up the sword and is influenced by it; just in case this IS the right one, tho, JZX's bit comes up in chapter 3

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9. Hi! This is for fic finder. I dont remember much because i read that around 3 years ago. I hope this is not a mix between wo fic. I think its an arranged marriage story between Wangxian. Every month WWX leaves CRRS to visit the wen without anyone knowing but LWJ (i think he noticed) because LWJ make some arrangement that allows WWX leaves anytime he likes. 1 month and WWX still come back. Just like the following months until LWJ noticed WWX is not coming back. I think before that the two of them has a fight (? Not sure about this). LWJ search for WWX and found him. Instead of make his presence known, LWJ follows WWX in secret. WWX noticed of course and ignore LWJ. A few days like that and WWX relenta and calls LWJ to follow him without hiding. Thats all i can remember. I dont know if its an ao3 fic or thread fic. Thank you @idontknowwhattowriteforusername

9 is right. For the first half is right (wwx leave every few months) but not the second half (LWJ followed wwx while hiding). I think i mixed two different fic. But the "Light of Stars (and the Destroyer)" Is the one i meant. Thanks

FOUND! 🔒 Light of Stars (and the Destroyer) by Sanguis (T, 22k, WangXian, Legends, Arranged Marriage, Pining, Pining for your spouse, Adoption, Canon Divergence, Married Couple)

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10. hello! i was hoping you can help me find this fic where jiang cheng finds wwx’s journal in the burial mounds and he ends up experiencing(?) the events there. i read it ages ago and can’t find it. thank you!

FOUND? Waiting On You by SmellsLikeDeanSpirit (M, 26k, JC & WWX, WangXian, WIP, Graphic Depicitions of Violence, Major Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending, Memories, Time Travel, Sort Of, the characters watching the show trope but different, WWX has magical diaries that force the reader to experience his memories, JC finds them and reads them, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Bashing, Bad Parent YZY, YZY Bashing, Canonical Character Death, he comes back tho, JC regrets, JC Needs a Hug, WWX Needs a Hug)

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11. Thank you for all the work you do!! I've been driving myself crazy trying to find this fic. All I remember is one scene. At the Jin banquet, Jiang Cheng allows (sends?) WWX to dual Jin What's His Face. WWX obviously trounces him, but nearly has a flashback, prompting JC to pull him back when he realizes that maybe sending his traumatized brother into that situation wasn't the best plan.

It was either a canon diversion or a JC goes back in time fic, but I can't remember which. It was relatively long and it isn't recent.

Ring any bells for anyone? Thanks!! @kirk-spock-in-the-impala

FOUND? Lynchpin by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 103k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Time Travel, Fix-It) JC went back in time and he realized his mistake about the skirmish like right after it happened. The part that they are looking for is in chapter 2.

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12. Hiii thank you so much for the hardwork you do and I enjoy the fics here. I haven't seen this in fic finder yet. I remember lwj leaving gusu for yiling he brought his own money and it was used to buy food and stuff I think. By the end they sell at the market with kids styling lwj hair and gusu saw this the elders was mad mad with the vanity. Lxc asked for bunnies cause the ones in gusu dissapeared(. Thank so much be well.I wrote this today and there was error if there is two pls ignore 🙏) @ladyxyraine

FOUND? 🔒 Share Your Silence series by Terri Botta (Isilwath) (E, 138k, WangXian, Romance, Everybody Lives, Canon Divergence, LWJ Has Feelings, Protective LWJ, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, LWJ Stays at the Burial Mounds, Burial Mounds Ensemble as Family, WangXian in Love, YLLZ WWX, Lan Clan Elders are Assholes, Minor Transgender Character, Qiongqi Path Divergence, LWJ loves his bunnies, Explicit Sexual Content, Burial Mounds, OCs, Drama, NMJ Qi Deviation, Awesome WQ, The Wen Twins, Wen JunZhu | MinYue (OMC), Wen YanJeng | MinYi (OMC), Fluff and Humor, WWX Has Feelings, Lotus Pier, mention of non-con roleplay, Sexual Roleplay, NMJ Needs a Hug, Nie clan sabers, baxia, Unclean Realm, Protective NHS)

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13. Hi im looking for a specific fic. The fic was on ao3 and was a modern au where Wei Ying realizes he might be a bit gay and kisses lan zhan but then freaks out, and they get a bit awkward. He then goes on to forums to see what others might think of his situation, he tries watching gay porn etc. and finds that he's dreaming of lan zhan. He ends up being jumped by homophobes goes on a drinking binge for the next few days as a result and hears that lan zhan has been staying in his room and hasn't been doing well, wei ying thinks it's because he kissed him but later finds out he sent lan zhan a homophobic message when drunk. Any help would be appreciated!!! @livesformitski

FOUND? it's always open by ScarlettStorm (E, 60k, WangXian, Modern, vague north american setting, First Time, Getting Together, Pining while fucking, Some angst, Happy Ending, not straight boy WWX but not NOT straight boy WWX, not practice kissing but not NOT practice kissing, that feeling when you know you're making bad decisions but keep making them anyway, LWJ FUCKS, Sexual exploration, demi WWX, not that he knows that yet, Kissing, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, confused but enthusiastic consent, WWX's not sure about all his options but he's got the spirit, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, truly absurd amounts of naked pillow talk, switch rights)

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14. Hi!! Thank you for all you do 🫶

I’m looking for a fic that was on ao3. It was one where I think WWX was brothers with Hua Cheng and Luo Binghe and I believe he was a god or something of higher power and as a trial he was born as the WWX we knew and he went through everything he did in canon. When he died he ended up back with Hua Cheng and Luo Binghe but LWJ couldn’t move on and he tried to find him there?

Thank you for your help!! @bigmeatycl0ws

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15. Hi! Kindly help me finding this fic. Wwx teaches the lan juniors to solve arrays. He makes it diffucult to solve so that he can have time with his husband. I think I remember they was a scene where JL ask the Lans how they can easily solves the arrays and then got jealous when he learn it was wwx who taught them.

FOUND? 🔒 A More Practical Approach by Elhana (T, 9k, WangXian, Canon Compliant, Teacher WWX, Humour, POV Multiple, Implied Sexual Content, when you just want to get frisky with your hot husband but your in-laws crave their peace and quiet, huge conflict of interest right there, WWX is resourceful, wuxia magic shenanigans, Post-Canon)

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16. Hey, this is for the fic finder!

I'm trying to look for this specific Lan Xichen/Nie Mingjue fic where NMJ gets reincarnated as NHS' cousin's son and promptly falls in love with LXC all over again. I can't remember the title and I've been trying to look for it so I can reread it ;w; I think Age Difference was tagged and there's scenes where LXC tries to dissuade NMJ from getting together but in the end they get married and NMJ recovers his memories from his past life.

Thank you in advance ;w;

FOUND? Song of us by Ziane (E, 142k, LXC/NMJ, JC/NHS, Post-Canon Fix-It, Explicit Sexual Content, Reincarnation, Happy Ending, Angst, Fluff, Smut, Soulmates References, Pining, Canon-Typical Gore, Novel Spoilers, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Flirting, Implied LSZ/LJY, Porn with Feelings)

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17. Hi!! I’m back with another request!

It was an ao3 fic where WWX had left the cultivation world behind because he/she (there was a male and female version I believe) was pregnant with A-Yuan and Jingyi and he/she wanted to give them a better life. LWJ does find them eventually (he’s the father) and he gets to meet the kids. They end up staying together and raising the kids there after LWJ fakes his death @bigmeatycl0ws

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18. Hi! I'm looking for a fic where LWJ and WWX have a sex and a love confession during the sunshot campaign. LWJ visits WWX during one night and asks to let him help WWX with his health after using demonic cultivation. WWX , in a fit of rage and a desperate act to drive away LWJ, behaves crudely and proposition him.... I think the name of the fic was "fool for you"? I'm not sure.

Thanks in advance! @grrumpywoof

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19. Hey! Thank you so much for your hardwork 😊😊

Im searching for a fanfic which is completed

Yu ziyuan is present in the sunshot campaign and wwx invents turtle shields. Yzy tries to show wwx as a traitor but fails.

Can you please help me in finding this fic?

FOUND? Lessons relearned by Iamnotawriter (T, 44k, WangXian, LQR & WWX, Not Madam Yu Friendly, Time Travel Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inventor WWX, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, No Golden Core Transfer, YZY Bashing)

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20. Hello! Could you help me find a fic where pre sunshot campaign ends up in a room to watch the future and 4 juniors from the future join them. The main pairings I remember are Wangxian where Sizhui is there biological child. XiCheng Jingyi is their biological child and of course XuanLi with Jin Ling. No one believes them until they pull their parents swords from their sheaths and explain because Wangxian and XiCheng have high cultivation Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng got pregnant. @megdbrew

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[mars-ipan]

God I feel you on this. There are so many avenues for people to get sucked into bullshit infighting too.

I s2g every time I engage with trans content my for you feed starts serving me a ton of discourse about intercommunity transandrophobia or w/e and like... if people are being weird about trans men that's worth talking about sometimes, but I get the impression there are corners of the trans community that are doing nothing but scream at each other in some pointless transmasc vs transfem war. Meanwhile I'm sitting here on TERF island, transfem people right beside me, hoping our HRT and shaky legal rights don't get nuked in the next 5 years 💀

I feel like a general online discourse rule should be that if you're putting more energy into fighting your own community/policing language/etc than fighting people that materially affect our lives, something's gone wrong and you're at high risk of radicalisation into bigotry. Or might already be there.

ghhrgh LITERALLY….. like .

from what i’ve seen a lot of this transandrophobia debate came up in response to seeing trans women talk about transmisogyny. my theory is that a portion of tme folks saw that people have been discussing transmisogyny and felt that they were having their unique experiences erased. which, like, look . i get it. erasure is something i’ve experienced kinda my whole life. i understand that it feels Bad to have your struggles downplayed. i had that same worry at first. BUT. we GOTTA be able to examine how your own fears and anxieties and biases may be coloring your perceptions!!! bc yes being trans does not make you immune to transmisogyny!! we live in a transmisogynistic world implicit bias is Going To Happen.

like. transmisogyny is a real thing that happens and disproportionately affects transfems. transmisogyny is not something non-transfem people experience unless they are falsely perceived to be transfem. it is a uniquely transfeminine experience coming from the intersection of being trans and female (or female-adjacent). it is not just a unique kind of transphobia, but rather the intentional combination of transphobia and misogyny.

is this to say that transmascs don’t experience their own unique kind of oppression? no! but it’s not an intersectional oppression and it shouldn’t be treated as such. also, the name of “transandrophobia” just gives off. a really uncomfortable energy. you’re not being oppressed because you’re male. you’re being oppressed because you’re trans. i don’t feel like we need to give this type of transphobia a name because it is just transphobia. similar to how misogynoir is a word but we don’t have a word for the specific type of oppression black men face because that’s just racism. just because transphobia impacts you in a certain way doesn’t mean it’s a special type of transphobia, and really why are we playing oppression olympics in the first place? we’re ALL hurting. can we just like… help each other out? can we stop accusing transfems of like…. deliberately trying to overshadow transmasc issues or whatever? and for the love of god if we have to argue can we STOP misgendering and degendering each other mid-argument.

like. at the end of the day this is all trivial shit because In Real Life we’re being targeted by horribly cruel legislation and social movements. it’s like we’re in a burning house and i’m watching my brother and sister argue over black mold. like yes that’s a problem but i think !!!! we should focus on putting out the fire !!!! like i live in texas. lawmakers have been trying to pass anti-trans bills here for ages, and a couple of them have gone through! i remember being sat down in gsa in my freshman year of high school and having the club sponsors tell us that if a bill that was up for ratification mandating that teachers out their students to their parents was passed that they would do everything in their power to keep us safe. i have to be careful about how i dress when i go to certain places. and i’m not even someone who’s transitioning medically— lord knows what kind of bullshit hurdles people on hrt have to go through to get it. and we’re arguing over what we want to call our oppression? we’re all facing transphobia at the end of the day can we PLEASE fix that instead of dividing ourselves into little easy-to-eliminate factions please and thank you

[dellamortethelesser]

julian my brother in andraste you do NOT have to apologize for the emo posting. it honestly sounds fucking awful and i hope you find a way out soon.

the brother in Andraste really caught me off guard lmfao ty for that 😭 I’m using ur anon as a vent stage so sorry lmfao😭

I’ve gone thru so much work in therapy to be at peace with a lot of shit in my life but there’s only so much a therapist can do when there is still the gaping hole in my chest (working on it). I can’t cognitive behavioral my way out of fucked up chemical imbalances even if I’ve got all the right coping mechanisms and words for what’s wrong.

not even getting into the trans thing. I’ve given up any real hope of fully socially transitioning in my state and in my lifetime lol and I’ll make my peace with that too. my parents try to understand! or they tried once and now we don’t talk about it. and there’s only so much that effort can count for. my dad agreeing to read my book that teaches a lot of the basics about being transgender doesn’t make up for my mom echoing Elon’s nazi salute or both of them casually using slurs :’)

idk. AUGH. I know they love me but sometimes I wish they didn’t because then it would be easier lol ✌️😙 I don’t have a job so no hope of getting out anytime soon. sink or swim baybeeeeee and brother I’m a shark

[angelic-omega]

Just wanted to go on record and say that dressing to pass won’t guarantee you pass as cis

I spent years dressing a certain way (unlike myself) in hopes of passing as my gender

However, after a certain point I decided to say fuck it and start wearing whatever and let me tell you something! It! Does! Not! Matter!

I consistently get called sir more when I’m wearing whatever I want than when I tried to dress “like a man” and honestly it’s not an exact science! When I was working the drive through I had customers who genuinely thought I was a brother and a sister…

Nowadays it’s almost 50/50 on if I’m getting ma’am or sir if I’m wearing traditionally feminine clothes! The point I’m trying to make is my gender is MY GENDER! I don’t feel the need to “prove” myself to anyone cis or trans. At the end of the day I look in the mirror and I see who I am so it doesn’t matter what anyone else sees!

Wear a skirt! Wear a dress! Don’t bind! Show cleavage! Wear all pink! It does not matter! Most of my clothes are a pink and I still get called sir! If it sounds far fetched I’ll add I’ve been on hormones which does help my case but also on that note my fiancé is pre T and he literally passes so well people call him sir all the time!

Also passing isn’t important, the important thing is you come home and you know who you are! A cis man or even a cis woman wouldn’t question if they were a man or a woman over someone calling them the wrong thing! So just live a little! I know it’s hard and it hurts but don’t let those feelings take hold! I’m especially talking to younger trans people who think they need to dress 100% masculine or 100% feminine in order to be happy with themselves! You don’t…I’m much happier dressing the way I do now!

Just to make sure no one gets mad at me I’d like to add there’s nothing wrong with dressing masculine either! Some people like dressing masculine! If you enjoy dressing masculine dress masculine! If you’re like me and you long to wear dresses and pink dress that way!

It’s your life! It’s you who has to live with your decisions so make ones that benefit you!

[vavuska]

I'm sorry that Vivian - Elon Musk's daughter - is dealing with an oppressive father sharing inaccurate details about her life and spreading false medical information to invalidate trans kids right to self-determination. But I love the fact she is strong enough to call out Elon's lies and persevere, despite his billions of minion around the globe still supporting his bullshits.

I want to give more space and attention to Vivian, who chooses Threads (over X) to mock her father for his lies, hypocrisy, transphobia and bigotry.

To Vivian I wish she cal find all the love and happiness a person can have in this world. I hope we will build together a better place for every queer kid. A special hug to everyone who is struggling with oppressive parents who force them into the closet.

Be proud of yourself. 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️❤️

There’s a lot of stuff I need to debunk which I will get to don’t worry, but I want to start with what I find the funniest which is the notorious “slightly autistic” tweet. This is gonna be a bit so just bare with me

This is entirely fake. Like, literally none of this ever happened. Ever. I don’t even know where he got this from. My best guess is that he went to the Milo Yiannopoulis school of gay stereotypes, just picked some at random and said “eh- good enough” in a last-ditch attempt to garner sympathy points when he is so obviously in the wrong even in his own fucking story.

I did not have a “love of musicals & theatre” when I was four, because y’know… I was fucking four. I did not know what these things were. My earliest real experience with musicals was when my twin brother had a hamilton phase in 8th/9th grade and overplayed it so much in the car to the point where for a long time I swore off the entire genre.

I never picked out jackets for him to wear and I was most certainly not calling them “fabulous” because literally what the fuck. I did not use the word fabulous when I was four because once again I would like to reiterate… I was four. Like this is so obvious I don’t even think it warrants explanation but apparently people believe this nonsense so here I am.

This entire thing is completely made up and there’s a reason for this. He doesn’t know what I was like as a child because he quite simply wasn’t there, and in the little time that he was I was relentlessly harassed for my femininity and queerness. Obviously he can’t say that, so I’ve been reduced to a happy little stereotype f*g-ing along to use at his discretion. I think that says alot about how he views queer people and children in general.

As for if I’m not a woman… sure, Jan. Whatever you say. I’m legally recognized as a woman in the state of California and I don’t concern myself with the opinions of those who are below me. Obviously Elon can’t say the same because in a ketamine-fueled haze, he’s desperate for attention and validation from an army of degenerate red-pilled incels and pick-mes who are quick to give it to him. Go touch some fucking grass✨

Credits: vivllainous - Vivian Jenna Wilson.

[multi-lefaiye]

the eden linnaeus powerpoint

we did it, gang, we climbed this whole mountain.

inspired by @vacantgodling, here are the slides for my eden linnaeus powerpoint <3 because i love him.

i had a lot of fun making this, so i hope y'all enjoy <33

tagging the Eden Fanclub/people i think would be interested in this: @anexor @skitzo-kero @vacantgodling @invaderskoodge @paradoxspir1t

@drawnecromancy @astral-runic @void-botanist @vampiresdrinkfruitjuice @chaieyestea

slide transcriptions under the cut!

SLIDE 1:

A Guide to Eden Linnaeus

Or: I’m kind of unhinged about this purple boy. And now you will be, too!

by @/multi-lefaiye, your local purple tief enthusiast.

[Image ID: A heroforge model of my character Eden Linnaeus, a purple-skinned tiefling with white hair, a van dyke beard, and black horns. He is shown from the chest up, smirking as he looks to the right. End ID]

SLIDE 2:

Who is Eden?

Eden Linnaeus is the character I play in my fiance’s D&D campaign “Into Darkness We March,” which has been going since 2022.

The basic premise of the campaign is that a group of characters from vastly different time periods have all been revived in modern day, and they’re looking to put a stop to a terrible curse slowly rotting their world from the inside out.

Also, all of these characters fucked up big time in life and were struck with the curse, too! :D

The curse is based on the concept of the seven deadly sins, so each character has an associated Sin. I’ll get into that more shortly.

Anyway, even though Eden was originally made for this campaign, I’ve become so attached to him that I’m keeping him as an OC outside of it as well.

Something about a purple demon boy can just be so personal

SLIDE 3:

Eden Linnaeus is the son of a famous necromancer and a powerful cleric. However, his father, Abdiel, abandoned the family when Eden was very young, leaving him to care for himself, his younger brother, and his dying mother, despite being only a child at the time.

As he grew older, Eden came to deeply resent his father, the rejection and abandonment leaving him feeling worthless and lost. And after his mother’s death, he silently vowed that he would get revenge, that he would punish his father for leaving him behind. He would prove to everyone, especially that deadbeat sack of shit, that he’s not worthless. In fact, he’s the best. And he won’t rest until Abdiel lost everything.

This ambition drove Eden for many years, leading him to become an accomplished and respected magic user. However, it also destroyed him slowly, leading to him pushing away everyone who still cared about him until he was completely alone. Which was fine by Eden--who cared if everyone abandoned him? He’d prove them wrong, too. Fuck them.

But in the end, Eden never had the chance to really prove himself. When he was 28 years old, shortly after finishing his phD, he died in his lab, alone and forgotten by history.

Then, just over 600 years later, Eden came back… and he’s not wasting this second chance.

SLIDE 4:

Basics - 1

Name: Dr. Eden Linnaeus

Yes, he has a fantasy PhD.

Nicknames / Aliases: Ivaebhin (Kader only), Ed (Michael only), Jericho Ferebey (rarely)

Age: 28

Gender: Male

Eden is trans, as a note. He’s got that autistic tboy swag.

Orientation: Gay

Class: Artificer / Warlock

Sin: Pride

Eden’s sin is pretty self-explanatory. For much of his life, he’s been motivated by an intense, all-consuming need to be the best in every situation, better than everyone around him. Even if it destroys him.

[Image ID: A drawing of my OC Eden, shown from the waist up and facing the right. Eden is holding both hands up and smiling at a ball of magic floating above them, depicted as purple with a gold outline and a smiling face in the center. He's wearing a red jacket with a popped collar, a golden necklace, a black t-shirt, and a pair of red fingerless gloves. The background behind him is dark purple with gold accents, and his name is written across the bottom of the image.]

SLIDE 5:

Basics - 2

Species: Tiefling

Languages Spoken: Infernal (native), Common (fluent), Elvish (fluent), Sylvan (proficient)

The version of Elvish that Eden knows is rather archaic compared to modern Elvish, but he still understands modern Elvish decently.

Education: He has a fantasy PhD in alchemy, lmao.

Deepest Fears: Fire, extreme body horror, his body or mind deteriorating, being overshadowed by his father.

Fun fact: Eden can’t stand the smell of cooking meat for the same reason he’s afraid of fire :D

[Image ID: A drawing of Eden sleeping on the floor, with straighter hair than usual and without his facial hair. His eyes are closed and he's resting his head on his arms. The whole drawing is tinted a light purple. End ID]

Outdated art, but still cute!! This is from before I settled on his horn design and decided how curly his hair should be. And before I gave him facial hair.

SLIDE 6:

Appearance

Purple skin, with patches of scales on his face, shoulders, and hips

Curly white hair that grows past his shoulders, usually in a ponytail, and a van dyke beard

Black horns, with a crack in the left one

5’3” (approx 160.02 cm)

Multiple ear piercings and an eyebrow piercing

Various scars, most notably on his arms and face

Details on next slide :3c

Right hand slowly turning dark grey

Little spikes on his tail, especially at the base and near the tip

Usually wears a lot of red and black

[Image ID: A fullbody drawing of my OC Eden Linnaeus, squatting and facing slightly left. Eden is wearing a dark shirt under a red jacket, dark pants, red fingerless gloves, and knee-high boots. He has a small smile on his face, and his tail is curled slightly around him. The background is dark purple, with a yellow gradient starting from the center. End ID]

SLIDE 7:

Notable Scars

A black handprint on his right side.

This scar is from the time his father almost killed him during a magical duel when he was 19.

Jagged scratches across his face.

From the creature that killed him, lashing out and slashing his face in fear.

Long scratches along his arms.

How he actually died :(

A crack in his right horn, and a ring of scar tissue on his tail.

These are from the same event so they go together. Eden cut these parts of him off for a ritual, but they grew back immediately when the ritual was complete, leaving just the scars behind.

[Image Description: A drawing of my OC Eden Linnaeus,, shown shirtless from the waist up with one arm raised and his hand resting on the back of his neck. He wears a red and gold compression bra and black slacks, and he has multiple gold piercings. Notably, he has a black mark on his right side shaped like a handprint, his right hand is covered in a dark mark, and he has scars on his arms and face. The background is a block of dark purple with gold accents and a gold question mark next to Eden. End ID]

SLIDE 8:

Personality

Eden is a very stubborn, egotistical jackass much of the time. He’s better than everyone around him and not shy about telling them that.

… However, under that, he is incredibly, deeply insecure. Eden believes wholeheartedly that he has no inherent worth as a person, and people won’t stay with him if he’s not The Best.

He cares so so deeply about those close to him, but he struggles to accept that they might care about him, too.

Very logical, very low empathy. Articulate and intelligent.

Extremely passionate and excitable, loves to learn and share information.

Lowkey highly self-sacrificing.

[Image ID: A drawing of my OC Eden Linnaeus, shown from the chest up with a tired, disgusted expression on his face. His hair is pulled back into a ponytail and he's holding a cigarette in one hand. End ID]

SLIDE 9:

Key Relationships - 1

Dr. Abdiel Linnaeus is Eden’s father, who left when Eden was only six years old. For most of his life, Eden has been haunted by the shadow his father left behind, fueling a burning resentment for the man who abandoned him. Before his death, Eden dedicated his life to destroying Abdiel’s legacy, desperate to punish the man who hurt him, and also to prove that they have nothing in common.

As much as Eden hates to admit it, he and Abdiel are very similar. Two sides of the same coin, one might say, with very similar sins weighing on them.

Eden wants to destroy Abdiel only a little more than, on his worst days, he wants to destroy himself.

Hannah Linnaeus is Eden’s mother, who died when he was twelve years old. He remembers her very fondly, so much so that he puts her on a pedestal in his mind. Though Hannah tried her best to be a good mother, she ultimately failed to protect Eden, too, and left him deeply, deeply broken and hurt. Many of his insecurities stem from Hannah, and how she compared him to Abdiel at nearly every turn in an attempt to convince him to forgive his father.

Hannah loved Abdiel, even though he left her, until the day she died. And for that, more than anything else, Abdiel deserves to burn, as far as Eden is concerned.

SLIDE 10:

Michael Linnaeus is Eden’s younger brother, who Eden had to raise almost entirely alone, despite only being a child himself. For most of their lives, Eden and Michael were extremely close, and Eden has always been very protective of his brother.

This made it hurt all the more when, as an adult, Michael decided to forgive and reconnect with Abdiel. Eden couldn’t understand why Michael would forgive the man who’d abandoned them, and this sparked a long, drawn-out falling out between the brothers.

By the time Eden died, he and Michael had stopped speaking entirely.

Kader Al-Masri is Eden’s childhood best friend and first romantic love. The two met as young children and became fast friends, and as Eden’s family fell to pieces, Kader’s family stepped in to help out and take care of the Linnaeus brothers. And as Eden and Kader got older, they developed romantic feelings for each other, and they started dating as teenagers.

In the end, they broke up before they left for university, because neither of them wanted to try long distance, but they always thought they might try again someday.

Eden always thought they’d get married someday. But, things don’t always work out that way. Kader found someone else, and his friendship with Eden fell apart when Eden reacted badly to the news.

SLIDE 11:

Family Tree

[Image ID: A simple depiction of my character Eden's family tree, from his grandparents to himself and his brother. On his mother's side, his grandparents are listed as 'Mg. Ansel Ferebey' and 'Jeriah Ferebey.' On his father's side, his grandparents are listed as 'Noa Linnaeus' and 'Sylaris.' His mother is listed as 'Hannah Linnaeus' and his father is listed as 'Dr. Abdiel Linnaeus.' Finally, he and his brother are listed as 'Dr. Eden Linnaeus' and 'Michael Linnaeus' respectively.]

Michael went on to marry and have children of his own as an adult, but Eden never met any of his nieces and nephews, so I didn’t wanna list them here.

SLIDE 12:

"Mini Eden," AKA Eddie

Eddie gets his own slide, because I love him so much.

Baby boy. Baby. Baby bastard.

Eddie is a homunculus, an artificial being created from part of Eden’s soul.

He also has all of Eden’s personality traits turned up to an 11, for better and for worse.

He’s rude, loud, and whiny, but he’s deeply protective of Eden. In many ways, Eddie is basically his son, not that Eden would admit that.

About the size of a gerbil. Soft and warm and furry.

[Image ID: A drawing of my character Eddie, a small, bat-like creature with purple fur and a lighter underbelly. He has a mop of curly gold hair and yellow eyes, as well as darker horns. Eddie is wearing a red vest and his hair is pulled back into a ponytail. He has a vaguely humanoid face and is smirking as he glances to the right.]

SLIDE 13:

Magic Color-Coding:

As a fun treat for myself, Eden’s different spells are color-coded based on the source of the magic powering them. When he uses these spells, they manifest in these colors.

Innate Tiefling Spells: These spells come from Eden’s demonic heritage on both sides of his family tree. Many of them are associated with fire in some way, and as such, these spells manifest in shades of red and orange.

Artificer Spells: Eden’s artificer spells are those he learned growing up or during his time at university, and he knows them inside and out. They don’t feel magical to him anymore, often manifesting as silver or a very light grey.

Warlock Spells: His warlock spells, meanwhile, are an unknown, terrifying new power granted to him by a being whose motives he’s uncertain of. He’s still learning them, and on some level they frighten him deeply. As such, these spells manifest as a very dark purple, almost black.

Cleric Spell: All of the characters in this campaign, regardless of class, have one cleric spell, gifted to them by the goddess Phara. These spells in some way reflect the character’s true souls and intentions. Eden’s cleric spell, Shield of Faith, manifests in gold, with touches of blue to represent the goddess’s influence.

[Additional Details: The color names mentioned in the above text are the colors mentioned.]

SLIDE 14:

Associations

Animal: Lion

Color: Gold

Zodiac: Leo

Flower: Laurel

Tarot: Knight of Wands

Song: Faust, Midas, & Myself - Switchfoot

Misc. Associations for Symbolism: Kintsugi, the sun, Icarus, stars

[Image ID: Two screenshots of Eden as he appears in my save of Baldur's Gate 3. In the left one, he is shown with longer hair that's shaved on one side, his eyes closed as he smiles. He has silver piercings. He's wearing black and red armor and has a gold staff strapped to his back. In the right one, he's shown with different piercings and shorter, spikier hair, his eyes glowing green. Here, he wears leather armor, and he has a black staff strapped to his back. End ID]

Two different screencaps of Eden in BG3--one with short hair, one with long hair. Unfortunately both with wayyy straighter hair than he should have, but none of the curlier options feel like him either, so this is as close as I could get.

He’s such a model to me.

[littlespacereader]

Haiii, I hope this request iss Oki:

I'm a trans male little who sometimes still has to deal with periods.. they make me feel very dysphoric and sad, often causing me to regress..

Could you write a fic with that theme?

I'm not set on one specific fandom, here are some options I'd love to see & you can choose wich one you want to go with!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[The little one would be a trans guy in every scenario.]

Stranger Things:

Steve and Eddie, both are flips in my hc, so it could be each way around.

Cg Argyle & little Jonathan Byers

Cg Nancy Wheeler & little Steve Harrington

Marvel:

Cg Wade Wilson & little Peter Parker

Cg Gwen Stacy & little Miles Morales

Criminal Minds:

Cg Jennifer Jareau & little Spencer Reid (other cg options: Penelope or Derek)

Teen Wolf:

Cg Noah Stilinski & little Stiles Stilinski (other cg options: Melissa or Scott)

Cg Boyd & little Isaac Lahey

Supernatural:

Cg Dean Winchester & little Sam Winchester

American Horror Story coven:

Cg Violet Harmon & little Kyle Spencer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, yeah.. any of those would be cool hehe

Thank you for reading!!

My first ever request!! Thank you so much!! I was so excited and intrigued by your idea! First off I would like to state that I am not trans myself but I am a HUGE Ally to anyone in the LGBTQ+ community! Know that you’re safe with me and I got your back💞 I absolutely loved the list of fandoms and pairings to chose from. I decided to go with Caregiver! JJ and make the Reader the Little with Spencer as an older brother Little. That being said if I don’t do this story justice I apologize from the bottom of my heart! I hope you enjoy this @dino-boyo-agere ! Thank you again for the request!!

Forever Mommy’s Little Boy

Caregiver! JJ & Trans Male Little! Reader with Big Brother Little! Spencer Reid

Tags: mentions of period, pull-ups, hurt and comfort. (Completely SFW)

Relationships: Caregiver! JJ, Uncle Derek Morgan, Big brother little! Spencer Reid, Aunt Penelope Garcia, & Trans male little! Reader.

Nicknames: baby, sweatheart, baby boy, kiddo

Breathe! Just breathe! It’s only about 10 minutes more and we’ll be going home. I can wait that long.

I sat at my desk and was waiting patiently for JJ or Morgan or literally any Caregiver in this office to announce we would be heading home. They would’ve been wrapping up everything by now…what’s taking so long?

The case, like every case before it, was long and exhausting. All I want to do is collapse into JJ’s arms and just be babied for the rest of the night but we were still stuck at work!

Regression played the devil on my shoulder, teasing and taunting me to regress at work. But I couldn’t, not yet. I had to remain big till we got to the car, then I could regress and finally relax for the weekend.

I checked again to see if any Caregivers had finished their files. Morgan sat at the desk across from me and he was still leaned down working, same went for JJ who I wanted more than anyone to finish her paperwork. The rest of the team looked the same, all expect Spencer who, like myself, finished his work early.

Spencer regresses as well. He acts as my older brother, watching out for me and creating all the creative pretend games. I’m so lucky to have him!

With a glance towards him I could see he was struggling to keep from regressing as well. At least I wasn’t alone.

Then suddenly I felt off, like weirdly off. It was a weird feeling I haven’t felt in- oh God no. I must be wrong. I have to be wrong. I quickly stood up from my desk and rushed off to the restroom. I walked in and quickly closed the stall door behind me before checking to see.

Sure enough my period arrived earlier and heavier than expected. And since I was unprepared my pants and underwear are stained noticeably. I tried my hardest to push back tears threatening to spill.

This is dead to me. This…this period, it’s just a nagging reminder of a life that didn’t feel whole. A life that wasn’t really mine, not like now. But this was just a hurtful reminder, one I definitely didn’t need right now.

This combined with my struggle to not regress was not a great combo. With a last ditch effort I cleaned myself up as best as I could before walking out and looking in the mirror. But sad and terrible thoughts plagued my mind.

Tears started to run down my face. There was no holding back my regression now. Immediately I started to just regress, feeling smaller and smaller every minute. I just wanted JJ. I wanted her to hold me and tell me it’s all okay. Tell me I’m her sweet little boy and not-

“Y/n?” Spencer asked before entering the large bathroom. He immediately froze upon seeing me.

“Hey, what’s wrong? What happened?” I must’ve caused a domino effect because I could see Spencer regressing along with me.

“Nothing, I’m fine Spence.” I tried to say, wiping away my tears as fast as possible. But Spencer wasn’t buying it. He also didn’t seem to notice the issue which I was grateful for.

“I know something’s wrong. Let me help! I want to make sure you’re okay…please.” He put a hand in my shoulder and looked me in the eyes.

“I’m fine I just-…. P-Please…get mommy.” I said, barley a whisper. Tears starts to flow again, running down my face as I started to cry.

“It’s gonna be okay. I’ll go get her.” Spencer right away said. As much as he didn’t want to leave, he knew there was only one person who could fix whatever was happening.

~~~

JJ sat at her desk finishing up the last details on her case file. Even though they were still at work her careful Caregiver eyes spotted Y/n leaving the bullpen, and then Spencer right after.

A sinking feeling fell upon her that something was wrong, call it a Caregiver’s Spidey sense. She wishes for once she was wrong. Spencer came rushing over to her, worried and sad.

“M-…JJ, something’s wrong with Y/n.” He tried to explain sounding like his normal adult self. But his regression was in full swing and JJ could easily see it.

“What’s going on? Where is he sweetheart?” Now she was worried. A thousand questions played in her mind.

“The bathroom. I walked in to see if he was okay and I found him crying by the sink. I tried to help but he only asked for you.” Spencer explained.

JJ stood up from her desk and placed a comforting hand on Spencer’s shoulder. “Thank you for looking out for your little brother and making sure he’s okay. I’m going to take care of this, and while I’m gone I want you to go to Aunt Penelope’s office and keep her company. Okay?”

Spencer nodded. “Okay…but just-.” He stopped for a moment, looking up at JJ with tears in his eyes. “Just make sure he’s okay. I’m worried about him.”

She smiled and kissed the top of his head. “I know you are sweetheart. I promise I’ll make sure Y/N’s okay.”

With that small reassurance Spencer nodded and left heading towards Garcia’s office. With Spencer taken care of JJ turned her attention to the bathroom.

When she arrived she could hear Y/n soft cries and sniffing. She knocked on the door, “Y/N? It’s me baby, it’s Mommy. Can I come in?”

Even though it was a public bathroom filled with different stalls and sinks, she wanted permission to enter his space instead of barging in.

If she wasn’t listening as closely she could’ve missed the soft “You can come in.”

JJ immediately walked in and closed the main bathroom door behind her, locking it. If someone needed the bathroom they could go to the one a floor down. For right now they needed this space, just the two of them.

Once JJ and Y/N made eye contact, it was as if the world paused so the two of them could have a moment alone together.

Her heart shattered seeing Y/N so broken and upset. She instantly made her way over to her boy and wrapped him into a tight comforting hug.

“My baby boy, what’s wrong sweetheart? What’s happened?” She asked but didn’t get much in the way of a response.

Y/N just cried into JJ shoulder, finally getting the comfort he’s wanted after this long case.

JJ decided to help Y/N along with figuring out why he was so upset. She rubbed his back with one hand and played with his hair in the other. She could tell he wasn’t in the mode to talk and that was okay. Yes and no questions it was then.

“Did someone hurt you?” She asked. He shook his head against her.

“Did someone say something to you?” Another no from him.

Thank God those were two no’s. Because if they weren’t, she would’ve killed someone.

“Sweetheart,” She said pulling them apart and looking into his teary eyes. “I want to help you as best I can right now. But I can only do it when I know what’s going on. You don’t have to talk if you don’t feel like it right now. But you have to give me an idea what’s going on.” She explained.

Y/N nodded wearily. He turned around and pointed to his pants which now sadly had a small red blood stain on the back.

Immediately it all clicked into place for JJ. “Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry this happened. You’re okay baby boy, you’re okay.” She pulled him back up against her, holding him in a tight hug once more.

“Baby boy?” He broke apart and looked at JJ.

Her heart shattered at the question. She caressed his face and placed a kiss to the crown of his head, “You will always be my baby boy. This will not change that. It never has and it never will.”

More tears started to run down Y/N’s face hearing those words. JJ almost fell backwards by the force of the next hug he gave her.

“It’s okay baby. You’re okay. Mommy’s going to make it all better.” JJ said, rubbing his back to comfort him so more.

When the tears dried and his breath started to slow to a normal rate, JJ broke apart from her boy and wiped the last of the tears away.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do, I’m going to get you set up in the stall over here. Then I’m going to grab your bag and get you changed into something clean and comfortable. After that we’re going to get your brother and head home. Sound good?” She asked only to get a nod and a small smile from Y/N.

“Okay let’s get you set up then.” Taking his hand in hers, she led him over the the big stall in the bathroom. Inside was your standard public bathroom only this time with a changing table made especially for Littles.

“There,” she smiled. “Now, I’m going to grab your bag from my office. Keep the door locked okay?” That got another small nod from Y/N. With a small kiss to his head she left the stall, hearing a small click of the lock on the way out.

~~~

After JJ left the bathroom I felt uncomfortable again. She just made everything so safe and comfortable. Now without her here everything felt overwhelming, scary again.

But she wouldn’t be long. She just went to grab my bag and then we would go home. I couldn’t wait to be home again, laying on the couch with my favorite stuffie on one side and JJ on the other.

But my beautiful daydream was interrupted by the sound of someone entering the bathroom. Despite my stall door being closed, I backed myself far away from the door, my back hitting the wall.

This was a restroom, it would be ignorant of me to think no one else would use it. But I want to just be alone with JJ. Now with strangers walking into the space I felt more exposed and scared.

But the person who walked in stayed by the sinks. They didn’t walk into a stall or wash their hands. Before I had a moment to really question it further, the man spoke up.

“Hey kiddo it’s just Uncle Derek. Your mom just sent me in here to stop anyone from coming in. You doing alright in there?”

A wave of relief washed over me. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and wiped a few stray tears.

“M’ doing okay.” I managed to say.

“That’s good to hear. You just let me know if you need anything okay?”

I nodded my head. But then I realized he couldn’t see it so I added a quick: “okay.”

Uncle Derek was a life saver! Not once but twice people tried to enter the bathroom but he redirected them away. I’m couldn’t have been more happy to have him there to protect me.

After what felt like years but was only really 15 minutes JJ returned and relieved Morgan of his guard duties. He knocked on the door before leaving.

“See you when you get out kiddo.” He added before leaving the bathroom to JJ and I once more.

I heard the main door to the bathroom lock before JJ knocked on the stall door. I quickly ran over and opened it to her only to see my favorite stuffie in her arms!

“I’m sorry I took so long. I thought your bag was in my office but it turns out it was in my car. But guess who was also in there waiting for you?”

I immediately grabbed the stuffie and brought him close. Between him and JJ being back, everything started to feel calm again.

“Alright baby boy, let’s get you all sorted out.”

JJ opened the changing table, quickly cleaned and placed a cover on. Then she went over to me and helped me and my stuffie up onto it.

With that she started to get to work, taking my shoes off, then my pants and underwear. Then she helped clean up and before I knew it she was sliding a fresh pull-up on me followed by my emergency set of pants.

“There you go,” she said rubbing my belly. “All fresh and clean.”

Suddenly a sad thought came across my head. “Mommy, I can’t wear a pull-up.”

“Why not? You’re too young not to wear one.” She pointed out, making me feeling smaller.

“No, it’s just that…it’s going to have blood on it.”

JJ sighed. She sat me up and held my hand in mine. “I want you to listen to me for a second Y/N. I don’t mind taking care of you whether you’re on or off your period. That changes nothing about the fact you’re my little boy. Do you understand? I still love you the same and I will never see you different. You are and will forever be my baby boy.”

More tears found their way to my eye as she pulled me into a hug once more. I felt so much better now that I was changed, but even more so now that I felt accepted. No matter what anyone said or what my body said, I’m her little boy. Forever.

“Now,” she said breaking apart. “We gotta go catch up with your brother. He’s very worried about you. I’d say he’s so worried he might let you chose the movie we watch tonight.” JJ winked.

“Really?!” I said shocked. Tonight was his movie night choice. But he was gonna let me chose?!

“Really! And if we’re really lucky we might be able to convince Uncle Derek and Aunt Penelope to stay and watch it with us.” JJ added as she helped me down.

Hand in hand the two of us walked out of that bathroom. Once out we went to Aunt Penelope’s office and met up with Spencer again.

He stood up and ran over to me “Y/n! Are you okay? I’ve been so worried!” He wrapped me in a tight hug.

I smiled against his shoulder, “I’m okay Spence.”

“While you were gone I thought of the coolest game we can play when we get home!” Spencer added excitedly once we broke apart.

“I can’t wait!” I smiled back.

“Come on boys, it’s time to go home.” JJ said after talking to Garcia.

Spencer took one hand and JJ took the other as we left the BAU. My little family always knew how to make me feel appreciated and accepted. Caregiver and Little boy. Forever and always.

[wildfloweronwheels]

Well. This is not the post I hoped I’d be writing tonight at all. I’m sure I will have more eloquent and involved thoughts in the coming days, but for now, just know like so many of you, I’m devastated by the decision it seems America has made today. A decision that will have echoes in every country across the world. Green lights for the worst of humanity to bulldoze on ahead and leave decency behind. We can talk about what that dystopian reality will look like when we know more details but for now, I think we can all agree even the tamest version of this situation is pretty fucking awful.

I’ve shed more than a few tears today for women and girls. People of colour. Palestinians. Trans people. The LGBTQIA+ community as a whole. My disabled brothers and sisters. Immigrants. Basically everyone who isn’t a white straight ablebodied cisgender hetereosexual man or boy. But to be honest, I’ve shed tears for them too. Because somehow we’ve gotten here. To this place. Where toxicity and hate have been collectively chosen and agreed upon in the privacy of the voting booth, even when every indicator painted a different picture. Again.

My stomach’s been churning with rage and grief and confusion and a bone-deep sense of dread. Not just at this result but also because I have a movie coming out tomorrow and now it feels wrong to celebrate that. It feels tone deaf or otherwise dismissive to be excited when so many are afraid and in mourning.

I keep telling myself he doesn’t get to steal my joy over finally being able to share Audrey with you, especially when the storm is half a world away. But as an empathetic person whose work and life has so far been committed to fighting for a better world in its many forms, it’s a hard feeling to shake.

I guess I’m hoping that even though Audrey is an absurd and pitch black comedy, that it can be there for anyone who might need an escape or a laugh in the coming days. Isn’t that why we make art?

I’m not sure what the next moves are or what we do about where we’ve landed. But I do know that as always - humanity, joy, connectedness and community are our tools of rebellion. Going to see a movie isn’t changing the world but finding light however small is defiant. And right now, no matter where we are, we need all the defiance we can get.

Maybe that starts with going to see a movie, I don’t know. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I refuse to let him steal the well-deserved moment for all of the people who poured their blood, sweat and tears into this film. We’re all extremely proud of it and we hope it means something to you too. The time and place for more nuanced conversation and action will come. Right now, we all need a minute to feel our feelings and escape in whatever ways keep us safe. If Audrey helped you do that I’d be honoured. And then whenever we’re ready, we take a breath and keep trying. Can we have a group hug now please?

[fossilzfog]

g r a bs y ou

do you have, hcs about terzo and his ghouls, perchance??

*INHALES* (know I’m writting this at like 12 am because I couldn’t sleep lol)

BUT DO I???? Hope ur ready for rambles, some self projecting and A LOT of queer ghouls

-Terzo-

Some may not like me but terzo is a RAGING she/he (sorta like my nihil) BUT unlike Nihil she is more fem leaning. In my head he only used the title papa cause she thought it sounded cooler then mama. He has a tummy tattoo of the grucifix also piercings (which were inspired by her older brother secondo cause to me bros loaded with them). Out of all his siblings he’s closest to Secondo because they r actually twins! (It makes sense with my hc of Nihil ok?) she absolutely LOVES her omega they are married. Would actually see she doesn’t like wine? (He’d prefer literally any fruity cocktail over it) honestly I can see she doesn’t like the taste of alcohol at all.

-Air-

Element: Air

Air is actually on the older side, Air is THEE sore joint haver. He’s older after all, but I do think he’s had these problems his whole life and they simply got worse with age. He loves warm baths, especially when he’s molting, helps get rid of those stubborn stuck feathers! Actually sorta has a father child relationship with zeph, because not only was he zephyrs mentor he also did in fact raise them!

The animal Air resembles: Raven!

-Zephyr-

Element: Air

Zephyr I feel is not nonbinary but I believe it’s called gender void? (Correct me if I’m wrong!) but basically zephyr has never once felt connected to ANY gender or label. Zephyr also sorta just uses all pronouns. Just like their father Zephyrs got some joint pain more specifically arthritis, so that’s why they sit a lot lol. Also a warm bath enjoyer may I add. Zephyr was actually an orphaned squeak! (Which btw ghestie the word for a baby dove is a squeaker and I think ur missing out on using that for terms for baby ghouls) zephyr was just sorta summoned by accident without their bio parents, so Air got super attached to this tiny little baby and went “this is mine now” no one stopped him

The animal Zephyr resembles: canary! (Yellow is a good colour for them this take is inspired by puppsworld on here!)

-Omega-

Element: Quintessence

Omega is big, he’s also very fatherly, he’s also terzo’s beloved man thing. He’s a very *very* lovey dovey ghoul, grand gestures of affection are like his thing. He volunteers at the nursery! He just loves the itty bitty babies and he must protect. A little sad him and terzo never got to have kits of their own , but at the same time he fully understands that it just wasn’t in the cards. Speaking of cards he’s an avid little card trick guy! Lots of the younger ghouls love getting him to do little tricks for them (Phantom especially). He also likes card tricks, does little magic shows for the kiddos

Animal Omega resembles: a house cat!

-Aether-

Element: Quintessence/Air

Firstly. TRANS AETHER HE IS TRANS, second him and Omega are actually very close! (Someone had to mentor him) Aether actually really looks up to Omega, Omegas even the person who helps him with his T-Shots! On another note Aether is scared of needles, but in the “really works himself up about it. Then he gets the shot and is like “that was easy!” So he agrees to it again” kinda way. Also fond of da kits, but like in the “gets baby fever whenever he sees something small and helpless”. He is an endometriosis haver and literally uses his gf (dew) as his own personal purring hot water bottle (I fuckin wish I had a fire gf for my period problems ugh). Lastly him and dewdrop are T4T babyyyy! (Basically he’s me /hj)

Animal Aether most resembles: A black cat and crow!

-Delta- Element: Quintessence/Water Hmmm I feel Delta is jus sorta there yknow? lol. He replaced Omega when he went and retired, and I feel a possible reason for that is because they are closer. I can also see Delta would like watercolour painting? I don't know guy seems like he would lol. I also feel he might have minor health problems relating to his heart Animal Delta most resembles: A orca and a wolf dog! -Mist- Element: Water

*rubs hands together evily* I **love** Mist, and am a firm believer in she's sorta goes for a gender neutral look. That and all pronouns Mist. Outside of the band I feel like she enjoys a lot of just hands on things? Like my one example I will give is she like whittling, and she often gives her carvings to packmates to show she cares. Because I feel like she may not be the best at properly expressing herself (autism?? Idk maybe me too tho.) Animal Mist most resembles: A reef shark

-Alpha- Element: Earth/Fire Alpha is one of the few canon ghouls who I see as a parent. That being Alpha is the (debatably) proud mama of Ifrit, and yknow it's really embarrassing because Alpha's like one of THOSE moms and calls Ifrit "Apple Fritter" in front of his pack. Alpha and omega did kindaaa have a thing at one point, but like it was really short. So now they are simply best buds!(and yes. Alpha just show alll the embarrassing Kit photos of his Apple Fritter lol). Lastly I feel like Alpha is unlabeled, but in short he likes He/Him but fem terms? Like Mom, Lady, Wife etc (that ones a little self projecty whoops) Animal Alpha most resembles: Thorny devil and domesticated goat -Ifrit- Element: Earth/Fire As mentioned above he's the itty little baby of Alpha, and Alpha will remind him every day that he can never escape his kit pictures/j. He's actually a lot smaller then his mom, like he was born and Alpha had to take a double take cause he was a jellybean to him, now is Ifrit actually small? No not at all Alpha is just freakishly big. (so is Omega!). Now because Ifrit was just soo teeny tiny to Alpha, he freaked out over everything in the beginning because "HES SO SMALL WHAT IF HE GETS HURT???". This was not true to any extent, Ifrit was in fact the biggest kit in the nursery. Good thing is Omega sorta just went "are you dumb?", and helped Alpha realize that his kit was in fact not made of glass lol. Ifrit was born on the surface, and actually does view Omega like a second parental figure (it's really sweet trust) Animal Ifrit most resembles: Same as Alpha

-Pebble- Element: Earth Pebble is in fact the smallest earth ghoul the ministry has ever summoned. But despite what some may believe Pebble does not in fact care. He like Mist likes carving and whittling, they are actually friends because of their common interest. Pebble also likes to stargaze at night, he mainly does this with Ivy. Also him an Ivy got this really weird undisclosed relationship, and by that I mean are they dating? Are they not? No one knows

Animal Pebble most resembles: a white tailed deer

-Ivy-

Element: Earth

Ivy actually had come from a different ministry location! They transferred over to “our” location. Ivy actually is a big fan of tattoos, Ivy even does them for over ghouls! A lot of Ivys tattoos are actually star themed, because it’s special to Ivy since that’s how they and Pebble bonded.

Animal Ivy most resembles: a mountain goat

-Mountain-

Element! Earth

Oh mountain my beloved…Firstly she’s like everyone’s fav cuddle buddy. Because he just lays there and lets the “likely” smaller ghoul friend snuggle riiight up. To no one’s surprise she hates shoes but also socks, the only time he will wear footwear is when glamoured (because hooves gone), and a lot of the time Mountain will wear them because tile floors are Mountains number 1 enemy. Enjoys tattoos like Ivy but gets more botanical themed ones, alongside “special” ones (I.E things designed by her pack or things his pack has said!). He likes poetry

Animal Mountain most resembles: A Shire Horse!!!

-Dewdrop-

Element: Water/Fire

Oh boy ok first. TransFem Dew. Second oooo she likes her big guy Aether acting all lovey dovey to herrr. Like Dew likes classic romance, but also she is definitely the one who will go “mmm excuse me? He asked for no pickles!”, so it’s still probably the most common view of Dew. Like she’s still a hissy gal but in the, “will defend her loved ones with her life” way. She is literally so attached to her whole pack they are hers and she is theirs (besties for life I say!), she likes having any of her pack do her hair while to listen to metal, (Personally I feel Dew would be a NuMetal fan, that or classic heavy). She loves girl nights with Mist, they are basically sisters! Especially since Mist was the one who taught he bass. I also have a strong feeling she likes BBQ…idky-

Animal Dew most resembles!: a koi fish and bush viper!

Anywaaaay those r my like immediate thoughts for the ghouls! (Took lots of breaks writing this because I had to think between abt them lol) so sorry if they are rambley! I really did try! And here’s hoping I didn’t miss anyone lol

[philaet0s]

WIP Wednesday

From two different WIPs because I’ve been writing for two fics aha

First, my fem!Snowbaz one

With a bit if context; my trans Niall headcanon is very dear to me but for plot reasons I needed Niall to be a boy at the beginning of the story when they’re kids, so in this fic Niall is actually Alice, a trans girl!

I keep writing scenes that happen in the future rather than following the timeline in chronological order, so here’s another bit that’ll come late into the fic

SORRY, just like the other scene I shared the other day, it’s sad, all the scenes I’m interested in writing at the moment are the sad ones, I miss angst

(TW: mentions of suicide)

Baz

“Are you still sure you don’t want to tell anyone? Not even Dev?”

Alice tenses. It makes my head move on her stomach. I move it further, craning my neck to look at her. I mostly see her chin, but even from down there I can tell her jaw is set.

“Dev is in love with Niall,” she answers, with enough pain in her voice to make my heart clench inside my chest.

“Dev is in love with you. I’m sure he’d love Alice just as much.”

She shakes her head. “You don’t get it. He likes boys. If I tell him… I don’t want him to break up with me because of someone I can’t even be.”

I flip onto my stomach and hold myself up on my elbows to look at her in the eyes. Hers are staring in the distance, empty.

“You are Alice, though.”

She lets out a sound, a dark, bitter chuckle. “Only with you.”

“No. You always are.”

“Baz. I’m not. And I’ll never be. It’s not… That’s good for your friends in London. Not for me. I’d have it easier if I just… went on like this.”

“Or you’d kill yourself because you’re miserable,” I answer, harshly, making Alice gasp.

The wound of Emily’s passing is still fresh. I never told Alice about Emily. I never told anyone, not even Simone. My friends from home… They’re too far away from everything that goes on in the life of my friends in London. I don’t know if they’d understand. Thankfully, I have Sasha. I can talk to her about that life, those friends, that we share.

“Pretending to be someone you’re not like you are… It’s a way to die, not a way to live. And I don’t want you to die, Alice.”

And then my Fiona/Ebb fic!

Ebb

“Ah, Ebb, you’re so emotional,” she says with a sigh and tender eyes.

“Nothing wrong with that. I like feeling things deeply. It makes me feel more alive, more human.”

“Too human for your own good. When’s the last time you made a selfish decision?”

She probably thinks that this is a question I will need to think about. Because she thinks I don’t make selfish decisions. Fiona never understood people very well. She gets them. She gets what makes them like her, what makes them want to do her favours. But she doesn’t understand them. The inner turmoil inherent to human experience. She’s in her bubble, she only understands what she knows, in other words, herself. I think that is why she matches with my brother better than with me. They’re similar in a lot of ways. Meanwhile, she and I are like night and day.

“You’re a selfish decision,” I mumble under my breath. Because I want her to hear it, but I also don’t.

It’s hard to talk to her about this. It’s another thing she doesn’t understand.

She moves her feet from the coffee table to the couch and turns to me. She’s holding her cup of tea on her lap with one hand. I hope she won’t spill tea on the plaid, I washed it three days ago.

“What do you mean?”

Actions have always had a greater impact on her than words. I lay my hand high on her thigh, and stroke the seam of her jeans with my thumb. “This is selfish. So is not telling Nicky.”

She rolls her eyes. “We’re not doing this again. Telling Nico is the stupidest idea you’ve ever had.”

[randomstealthteen]

Vent tw suicide self harm don’t read if ur in a horrible mental state and I am talking about myself not anyone else even when I say we it’s all about me sorru

I’m getting so tired of my life. One more year, I tell myself, one more year till I go to university.

But I don’t even know that it will get better after that.

It’s not just having people be shit about trans people.

It’s just I can’t stand being so alone.

I am giving up all hope in my parents and brother. All hope that they want to be part of my life. That they like me and care for me.

I just want to be close to a single person. I want to be on meds I want to be stable I want to have a psychiatrist I see consistently who can figure out what is wrong with me whether I’m just weird or I’m autistic or have some personality disorder or some other mental illness or anything. Please explain what’s wrong with me so I can fix it please.

It’s gotten so bad. I have tried to reach out, I’ve called and called. I tried to talk to my mom today after she came back and nope she left to go drink at her friends house. I freaked out because of this and because my dogs were acting insane and stressing me out and I threw a popsicle on the floor as stupid as it sounds. And I left. I walked around for like an hour. No text from my mom or anything. She just went out to her friends house after I had not seen her for days. And when I called her when she was gone she never answered. She came home. She saw me. She said “aren’t you going to say sorry”. I just sat there, for half an hour after she said that. Staring blankly. I didn’t reply.

God I want to do anything to feel better. I don’t drink or do drugs but all my kinda friends do. They’re all mentally ill like me. They’re not bad kids either. But all of them (that I know of) either vape, smoke weed, or get drunk constantly to cope. I don’t. But I think I’m going to have to start to because I can’t live like this. I haven’t hurt myself in a long time. But I’m pretty sure all my friends do. I don’t know. I know it’ll make me feel better when all I do is feel worse and worse. I want to get strong strong meds. Like I want to feel nothing at all. All my emotions are 10x stronger than a normal persons. I am actually fucking insane. I get so angry where I can’t control anything I do and next thing you know whatever is in my hand is thrown to the ground. I don’t physically harm anyone . I don’t abuse anyone . I am mentally ill but I try to be normal but it’s impossible. Some days I want to be back in the psych ward and I know the only way to get there is to hurt myself. The only way for people to help me is to hurt myself . That is the only way they listen. The only time they want to help is when you can’t bare it anymore. Never before it and never after it. They never want to prevent it from getting so bad. They just want to hide you away and make you keep living when really all you do is burden other people.

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to fix myself

I go to therapists

But after a few months something happens and they can’t see me. Sometimes they move jobs, sometimes I see them in school so all summer I don’t see them. They always move jobs I’m so ficking unlucky.

I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live and I’m going insane here and I am so alone and I am so insecure and I need help and I need a psychiatrist or psychologist or therapist ASAP but either an appointment takes months to get or something goes wrong or they change jobs and this happens over and over and i still haven’t gotten any real help or any real ways to cope besides take deep breaths and hold ice cubes.

[sc0rpi0-skies]

Long, kinda braindump-y post:

Y’know, I think it’s actually kind of interesting to analyze early SVU’s attitude with regard to trans people. Because it’s very easy to say “oh it’s totally transphobic and problematic,” but I think it’s actually a bit more nuanced than that. Don’t get me wrong, there are 100% a lot of problematic aspects, it doesn’t take an expert to see that. I mean, the repeated usage of the t-slur is enough to put it in that category. But it’s interesting to look at how the show’s portrayal reflects the societal attitude towards trans people over time — like a period piece of the 2000s.

Now, keep in mind that I am a cis person myself, and I wasn’t alive for the early 2000s, so my opinion is not the gospel in any way, shape, or form. But the reason I’m thinking about this is because I just watched S4E21, where a trans woman named Cheryl is on trial for killing her boyfriend’s brother who tried to rape her, and in the process found out she was AMAB and was likely going to out her. The episode has much of the usual “she’s a dude” rhetoric (with some “she tricked us all” stuff sprinkled in, especially in this kind of awful scene involving Stabler), but by the end, it also elicits a lot of sympathy for the trans victim. Especially through Cabot, who develops immense feelings of guilt for prosecuting Cheryl (and tries to drop out of the case at one point), and Benson, who stands up for Cheryl, including in small ways like using her correct pronouns with Cheryl’s parents, even as they repeatedly misgender and deadname her.

In some ways, I think the episode is actually (for its time) an advocate for trans people, because it really shows a window into the discrimination they face, especially in a less tolerant time. It also allows the audience to comprehend Cheryl’s feelings of being in the wrong body and witness the awful repercussions and trauma she faces for them (being scared of leaving the house, getting kicked out by her parents, etc). It even introduces the biological aspect of trans people’s brains corresponding to their preferred gender. If I was someone in the early 2000s who didn’t know or care much about trans people outside of the usual prejudicial jokes, I think this episode really would’ve introduced me to a new perspective and encouraged me to look at the trans population with greater empathy. Especially in the way it starts out with the expected harmful rhetoric, but over time sheds that as it delves deeper into Cheryl’s story.

Anyway, this was kind of a braindump because this episode really made me think. (In my current first-time binge of SVU, I’ve really been loving episodes that make me do that.) My point is that I think immediately labeling things as completely problematic and unacceptable because they don’t hold up to the standard of the present can sometimes obscure the nuance of the issue. Yes, this episode has a lot of harmful rhetoric that could 100% be triggering to a trans person. This is not me trying to defend that in any way, shape, or form. But I think analyzing “problematic” media in the context of its time period can open up a window into studying the history of a marginalized population and how societal perceptions develop over time. I can never fully understand what life was like for trans people in the early 2000s. But watching this episode made me interested to go out and learn more. And it makes me hope that maybe, just maybe, someone watching this episode in 2003 felt the same.

[nightfallsystem-moved]

Hey, I’m a transgender adult who, despite a lifetime of dysphoria and self-hatred, didn’t realise I wasn’t cis until I was in my late twenties, and then stayed in the closet for another eight years because what if I lost my husband, what if I lost my friends, what if I lost my job, what if someone threw acid in my face…

I had a mental breakdown because it was all too much but I’m still here now just a few months from my 38th birthday. My (formerly cishet) husband has stayed with me every step of the way, he tells people he’s in love with my soul so it doesn’t matter what I look like or call myself, and that two people who love each other transcends gender or labels. He proudly calls me his husband now and would defend me with his dying breath.

My family have welcomed me with open arms, my brothers just laughed and said I had always been the most macho sibling anyway, my Mum marches in her local Pride parade and knits me trans flag sweaters.

My friends say they love me even more now because I’m really me and I’m happy all the time, they don’t have to worry about me anymore and that watching me blossom and thrive has been a beautiful experience.

My work added gender neutral bathrooms and fought with HR to allow me to change my name before I had the official documentation. I work with children with learning disabilities and they have adjusted to my new name and pronouns in a way which is truly humbling, and will defend the fact that I’m ‘not a girl’ to anyone who suggests otherwise. A six year old told me that he’s going to be “a big strong man” like me one day- I’m 5’3 and weigh 130lbs. Two kids at school have come out as queer.

I don’t pass as anything, at all, but nobody who knows me has ever used the wrong pronouns or name, and has happily included me as one of the boys in everything I do- including letting me use the mens changing rooms on swimming days and inviting me to pool night and beers. Coming out has shown me that people are okay, people will care and will stand up for you.

I don’t want to take hormones for various reasons but my husband and my mum are helping me save for top surgery, which I should be able to access in a few years, and I have a strong network of supportive queer friends.

Things are tough, life fucking sucks right now, it feels like the whole world is going to shit. But if you survive, if you persevere, if you live life as your authentic self, the only thing you’ll lose is stuff that didn’t benefit you anyway. It’s cheesy to say “it gets better” but I promise, it does. Fighting all the time is hard, but it’s worth it, and you will get to a place where the suffering seems far away.

I am ALWAYS here if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me any time. Hang in there, friend, I’m rooting for you even if it feels like no-one else is.

Love,

Arthur Xx

THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. i love hearing your story it really gives me hope,, id say more but im really tired,, but THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

[i-will-not-be-caged]

I personally love this, but it also reminded me of something I think a lot of people don’t understand about evangelicalism* unless they grew up in it.

Recently there was a video going around of some state politician saying she would rather her child be dead instead of trans. It was cruel and ghoulish and saying the quiet part out loud, but what I think a lot of people don’t realize is that even the kindest, most well-intentioned evangelicals (and they exist; I know a lot of them) genuinely believe that it is impossible to be happy and fulfilled without Jesus**. Any satisfaction, any belonging, any good feelings that come from elsewhere are just fool’s gold.

I remember as a kid hearing my parents discuss how the brother of a friend of theirs had died young. They said that God had “taken him home” before he could “fall further into sin.” They viewed his death as a mercy and let me tell you, hearing that at a young age had an IMPACT.

I grew up genuinely believing that all non-Christians (and really, non-“Bible-believing” Christians, which was just code for evangelical) were actually miserable. That all their hedonism and pleasure-seeking was an attempt to fill some gaping hole inside of them and that they might feel happy for a time, but would ultimately be miserable without Jesus. This made sense to me because I had a gaping hole of dissatisfaction with my life and as long as it was there, it meant I needed to try harder to really love Jesus so he would fill it.

It wasn’t until I graduated college and ended up with roommates and close friends who hadn’t grown up in that world that I realized people weren’t actually lying about being happy. I watched one of my best friends go through her slut phase and while I was internally judgy about it at the time, it really showed me how wrong my church’s teaching was because she was having a way better time than all the married women in my small group who were having the “right” kind of sex. And it didn’t even do any permanent damage or backfire or anything!

My mom still believes this. It breaks my heart because she is a kind, compassionate person who genuinely believes that she’s actually a miserable sack of shit and only occasionally rises above that through the power of God. And even though I am right in front of her, trans and not a Christian and happier than I’ve ever been in my adult life, I know there’s a part of her that’s waiting for the other show to drop. For me to fall off some cliff of depression or for my life to fall apart until I either “turn back to God” or he “takes me home.”

Anyway, for the politicians who are writing these laws and the lobbyists that are pushing for them, I have no doubt that the cruelty is the point. But for the run-of-the-mill evangelical, especially the ones so ensconced in their bubble that they don’t know any trans people, I really don’t think they understand how cruel it is. They truly believe they are saving us from ourselves. It sucks and I don’t know what to do about it beyond continue to be loudly trans and happy in front of the ones I know and hope that I can be for them what my slutty friend was for me.

* I’m speaking primarily of the theology and the people who genuinely believe it here, not the political movement. They are connected, but not identical, and most of the people stuck in the theology are unwitting pawns in the political movement, not heartless evil masterminds

** By “Jesus” here, I mean the evangelical understanding of a “personal relationship with Jesus Christ,” a phrase that carries a LOT of weight and again means something different to people like my mom than to people like Ron DeSantis