#I have this toxic trait tho that I always think I’ll get it first try and it destroys my motivation

[gatoburr0]

[doctorofmagic]

My thoughts on What If... Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

The very title of the episode sends a shiver down my spine. And this is where we’re going to start.

~ long post under the cut ~

A year ago, I wrote this post as an attemp to dive into one of the most important traits in Doctor Strange’s personality: love. Stephen is a being made of love, made to love, no matter which interpretation you have when you watch Infinity War. If you don’t read comic books, you’ll understand the moment you meet Donna. You’ll begin to understand how her death reshaped his entire subjectivity out of fear of failing, being powerless and unable to control everything around him (especially death), thus the arrogant and yet a disaster of a man we all know.

Where do I even start? Stephen loved her sister deeply and felt responsible for her death. And then, slowly, he also lost his parents and his brother. He fell in love with Clea but he also pushed her away. He loved Zelma platonically and lied to her, which was enough for them to break their bond. He felt attracted to Kanna but screwed things up, even though they remain friends. He was forced to kill the Ancient One, the only father figure he had ever since his father died. And lastly, the only person who would never leave his side... also left. Yes, even Wong. Stephen has SO much love to give but he’s also afraid because he’s cursed. He truly believes his love in poison. And would you look at that? What If really delivered a story where this is actually true.

What If Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

The level of understanding when it comes to the character is... inconceivable. What could possibly reshape Stephen into following a dark path but love? The very premise of the whole episode. This is so much more than a love letter. This is literally too much, in all senses.

Fine, let’s begin.

What if the best of intentions has very strange consequences?

No. You used the word “strange” for the pun but this is not the word. Nah-ah. I’d go with ATROCIOUS, for starters. Things are gonna escalate so quickly, my friends.

Seriously, tho? Christine is SO SO SO SO beautiful, they’re so cute together. I have this feeling that MCU!Stephen was quite toxic because of his arrogance and this is why they didn’t work out. But WhatIf!Stephen???????? He’s always praising her, teasing her in a healthy way, respecting her and listening to her. HE TRULY LOVES HER, I’M GONNA CRY ALL OVER AGAIN, PLEASE, NOT THE CRÈME BRÛLÉE, PLEASE

I’m going to leave this shot here because we need to go back to it later. Hold that thought.

And bonus points to “Yeah, well, I would call that quite remarkable.” / “Well, I would say the same about you.”

GODS. THE PAIN. STOP THE PAIN.

So in this reality, Stephen didn’t caused the car accident because he was checking his phone while driving. Also it was not the reckless attempt to pass the truck. Well, maybe it was the consequence of this act? The fact is, the car behind them loses control, which makes them crash. Does it matter? We’ll learn later that no, it doesn’t.

And yep... Christine dies. Have you noticed the shattered heart? Ah, the pain only gets better and better.

Again, Stephen blames himself. More than anything, this is so important because Stephen is all about guilt. We still need to meet Donna so we can add yet another layer of guilt. But the feeling exists. This is what corrupts Stephen’s heart and soul in all his iterations. This is what makes him the character I love so much. I love this SO. MUCH. In addition, his stubbornness to accept his condition. Man won’t take a no. This, this is Doctor Strange in character. Stop complaining about NWH Stephen, it’s pathetic.

Okay, “grief-stricken”, Stephen found the Mystic Arts and became a sorcerer. That’s when he learned about the Time Stone, the Eye of Agamotto and Dormammu. Nothing changes, he saves the universe. But time does not heal his deepest wound.

I love Wong so much. Every time Wong does something, the world is healed. Really. We’re going back to him as well but for now I’ll just leave this shot.

BUT STEPHEN, DOING SOMETHING RECKLESS? HE’D NEVAH

Aaaaaaaannnnnnd then he did.

He goes back in time. It’s been two years since he lost Christine. I think he reacted pretty nicely, despite the circumstances. Now let’s go back to that shot I said I was saving for later.

Stephen is so light-hearted here. Also, during the first time he lost Christine, he had no idea what “The Price is Right” was. He knows now, which means he probably tried to learn more about the show because of her, because of grief. HAHAHA MORE PAIN

AND THEN HE

AND THEN SHE DIES AGAIN

AND THEN HE KEEPS GOING BACK IN TIME

AND SHE KEEPS DYING

AND THE MUSIC

AND HIS VOICE

AND HE TRIES TO CHANGE FATE BUT IT CAN’T BE AVERTED

HE EVEN TRIES TO STAY AWAY FROM HER LIFE BUT SHE DIES ALL THE SAME, WHY

AND EVERY TIME THEY CRASH, HE FEELS THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, WHY

I’M-- *ugly sobbing noises*

Apparently, not.

And this scene when he simply... closes his eyes before she dies again...?

This is where this episode had me in endless tears. It got me the four times I watched it. I’m dead serious.

Okay, so, next the Ancient One appears to Stephen, explaining that Christine’s death is an Absolute Point in time. It cannot be changed. Stephen needs the accident to become the Sorcerer Supreme and defeat Dormammu.

And this is where Stephen starts his journey into darkness. “Nothing is impossible, you taught me that. I only require more power.” Disobeying the Ancient One, Stephen then travels in time, seeking the Library of Cagliostro. Now, if you’re not aware of that, Cagliostro was a sorcerer who studied time in comics, and later became Sise-Neg (there’s a recent post on this because of the new Defenders run). It’s funny to think that Sise-Neg also destroyed the world when he became a god, however he grew past his pettiness and remade reality. Stephen did not possess such power, as we’re about to see.

PS: “Stop torturing yourself, Stephen.” Naur but he should use this line like a mantra. Especially comics!Stephen.

Not gonna lie, tho. This place reminds me of the Temple of the Vishanti from T&T (of course I was going to insert T&T somewhere, it’s me).

And of course they’d go for a pun with his name haha. I don’t know how to feel about this, tho. I feel like the episode is too heavy and dark for comedy. But it is what it is.

Okay but why some books are in cages??????????? And wow, it seems Cagliostro also gathered knowledge about several fields of magic.

And then Stephen learns that, in order to break an Absolute Point, he needs to absorb more power. This is when I went “oh-oh, here we go”.

And for real, is this Shuma-Gorath? Why are they keeping his name a secret? Is this the same creature from the first episode with Captain Carter, right? RIGHT? It has to be Shuma-Gorath.

Of course he tries to be polite and ends up all hurt haha. O’Bengh warns him about love but he will not listen. “Love can break more than your heart. It can shatter your mind.”/ “Is she worth the pain?”. Please, this is Stephen. He eats pain for breakfast.

Also, also, let’s take a break. We’re finally going to get monsterf0cker tentacle-lover Stephen Strange. It will cost us everything but here we goooooooooooo (yes, I went frame by frame for your more obscure fanservice needs)

Gods, I love this sequence so much it hurts. Okay, here we go.

Shmebulock???????????

AND HE STOLE THE CAPE??????????? AND DREW THE LINE ON BUGS??????

The grasp this man is holding on me right now...

Some of you will understand. I’m with you.

And here are the grostesque ones. These are hard to take SS but I had to.

Animation, sound effects, OST? CHEF’S KISS TO ALL

And lastly... the tentacles. Yeah, if you’re new... this is a thing.

Fanservice. Fanservice everywhere. (low-key the reason I also waited to write this review, I wanted to enjoy this part so badly but I was too sad for that lmao)

Okay so. O’Bengh is suddenly OLD and DYING, until we realize that Stephen spent CENTURIES absorbing mystic beings. CENTURIES. WTF STEPHEN. He had nothing in mind but the goal to save Christine. And people wonder why he went insane???? I’m sorry, O’Bengh, but I can’t take you serious when you still call Stephen Sorcerer Armani. Oh, and also because you watched him absorb beings for centuries in silence lmao. But I guess I have to because you said that Stephen is split in two since the Ancient One cast a spell on him, splitting the timelines and making them exist in the same reality before he could travel back in time. I know, it’s complex. Anything for the plot.

And now good!Stephen has an evil!twin who wants to absorb him back in order to become whole and break the Absolute Point. Cool.

I said I wanted to talk more about Wong because I think people are not talking about him enough. Wong is so important in this episode. He’s the one who’s trying to heal Stephen after Christine. He’s Stephen’s anchor.

Also, THEY FINALLY USED A SPELL WITH THE NAME OF THE VISHANTI. HOORAAAAY

So, for the sake of our understanding, I’m addressing the characters as evil and good!Stephen. Let’s go. Evil!Stephen summons good!Stephen and gods, he still holds such a strong grasp on me... unbelievable. THE DEEPER VOICE BENEDICT USES???? PLEASE, DIDN’T WE HAVE ENOUGH?

Imagine his strength to hold so many beings inside him, fighting to control him. BRO, THIS IS TOO TOO MUCH

Fine, I’ll not post SS about the fight because I’d be here all night long but I WILL say this: NOT CLOAKIE!!!!! NAAAAAAAAAAUR

Also if you ask me if I recognize any of the spells? Maaaaybe the Flames of Faltine, the not-so-crimson Bands of Cyttorak and a little trick Magik does with her portals. That’s how far I go.

I’ll not comment on the “seducing yourself to stay in the trap”. I will not. I’ll just say that the first person Stephen thought of when “Christine” was talking about the crème brûlée was Wong. That’s it.

And finally evil!Stephen absorbs good!Stephen and releases... UNLIMITED POWER (I love when the stone goes red as if it was bleeding aaaaaaa)

I can fix him...

This scene here? Poetic cinema. (I love his wings so much)

And when Stephen says her name and the other monsters’ voices echo “Christine”, AAAAAACKKKK

AND OF COURSE CHRISTINE WOULD FREAK OUT, BRO. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE BECOME BECAUSE OF YOUR TWISTED LOVE. I’M NOT DOING FINE.

Oh, but it’s too late anyways because Stephen broke reality haha. This scene is interesting because Stephen is the only one who sensed and/or talked to the Watcher until now. I read an interview that the Watcher kinda showed up but it’s also about Stephen’s keen senses. Bit of both, let’s say. Still, man, 616-Watcher is not that cold. 616-Watcher would watch this and say “how about I intervene anyway?”. WhatIf!Watcher is brutal.

The way Christine looks at Stephen one last time also KILLS ME, DESTROYS ME, BREAK ME INTO A MILLION PIECES.

And this is where my soul left my body.

This is how they end the episode. This is how you leave me speechless and with teary eyes. This is how you give me a whole existential crisis.

This... this was brutal to watch. Really.

What can I say after this? I’m used to reading painful things when it comes to Stephen. Aaron’s and Cates’ runs are heartbreaking on so many levels. Hickman’s New Avengers is not easier. Coincidentally, What If? Magik Became Sorcerer Supreme and The End. And now Death of Doctor Strange. And yet, after everything I’ve been through, I’d never expect to watch something so brilliant, so tragic, so heartbreaking and unexpected in the MCU. Never. This is top tier content and this is my favorite character with SO MANY LAYERS and SO MUCH UNDERSTANDING. I can’t put into words how meaningful this whole episode is to me, or how deep it touched my heart and soul.

I’ve been struggling to find the proper words since then, I still can’t. All I can add is, I cried for the 4th time now. This is too, too much, even for Stephen stans. Even for the ones who are used to pain, regardless of which media you’re into: comic books, live actions or animated movies. This is literally more than I can take and yet I’m so, so grateful. The voice acting, gods, how did Benedict manage to create a better Stephen than the one he’s literally playing in real life???????????? HOW

This episode really took the max potential Stephen had to offer as a character, added tons and tons of layers based on his grief, depression, arrogance and need to control everything and created a tragic masterpiece. In 7 years of being a Doctor Strange fan, I've never read or watch something that could go this deep into the character. The closest I can think of is Mr. Misery and the metaphor of Stephen's depression. This is a whole new level of respect and understanding. This is more than a love letter. This is peak maestry. It’s perfect, it’s heartbreaking, it’s... gods, I can’t.

Sorry for dragging you until this far. Before I wrap up this review, I just wanted to remind you all that Stephen will appear again, he will smile again, he will be surrounded by people again. So this is not the end. It was painful but be brave. We still have a few more steps to take.

[rogue-durin-16]

MATCHUP FOR:

@luna-says-stuff

I wanted to send in a Stranger Things request, if that is okay with you. I’ll try to make this short enough, but let’s see where we end. My pronouns are she/her, I am bisexual, and 18+. My most defying traits are probably that I am a cat person, I am obsessed with learning new stuff about things I’ll never use (mythology, true crime, paranormal etc.), and I consider myself a huge nerd. I love walking through bookstores, I collect doctor Martens, lp’s, band shirts, fantasy books, and my closet only exists out of Happy Socks and Christmas socks. This is no joke. You literally cannot find a pair of black socks, even if you dusted off the abandoned corners. Big fan of holidays. There is no such thing as a subtle Christmas, or a subtle Halloween. We have to go all out for that one, boss.

I can be rather impatient, immature, and I tend to procrastinate and run away from responsibilities for as long as I can. I can’t sit quietly to save my life, so I always need to busy my hands. I draw, I paint, I sculpt, I do embroidery, but most of all; I consider myself a writer. I love writing as much as I love to read. I can rant about the things I love for hours, and will not know how to stop (ask me about Tolkien’s works, I dare you). I also cannot stand people chewing. I lose my mind when it’s something crunchy. I absolutely hate it and I can’t explain why.

A toxic trait is that I saw Queen live and I will never let anyone forget. I love going to concerts, and I thankfully have a music taste which allows me to go to concerts often. (Hardrock, classic rock, heavy metal, and - occasionally - death metal, but a very specific corner. Still no fan of the screaming)

From Stranger Things I Ship You With:

Robin Buckley

Ship Dynamic:

The Chaotic Duo™

Quote:

«Meeting you was like listening to a song for the first time and knowing it would be my favorite.»

I can and will elaborate but also you two just go inexplicably well together, everyone shut up.

First things first, while you give an outcast vibe, it's not punk outcast like Eddie, it's more of a "I'm kinda weird and unfit for society's standards for 'cool' so I don't exist for popular kids", which inevitably makes you gravitate towards Robin.

Only that the 'hey we got interests in common, we should bond to survive' turns into 'you're like my favorite person now'.

I kinda see you two being pretty much aloof towards each other at first because meh, forced proximity by standing in the same corner socially speaking but is a true bond worth the effort?

YES IT IS.

While you two got the same general vibe (and by that I mean would definitely befriend you both), you're not even close to being the same.

Robin 100% pulls a face when you tell her about your music taste. You make it your mission to get her to at least try every hard rock subgenre.

She obviously can't say no to you, so as a revenge, she makes you listen to every song of artists like The Bangles and Stevie Nicks.

It becomes a tradition to go and meet up under the bleachers to listen to each other's music tapes during lunch break. I'm not talking about sitting quietly and listening, I'm talking about turning on the dramatic antics and making a full ass spoken essay about what you think of the songs.

You two might or might not enjoy whatever the other brings in the mixtape, but nonetheless you'll tease the hell out of each other.

Enriching each other's music taste as lifestyle.

First time you kiss you're both listening to music and it's very romantic but also very awkward because ✨it's the eighties✨ and you're ✨two girls kissing under the bleachers✨.

Mind you, I don't think either of you would have come out to the other, so it just sort of happens and then it's panic time. You're good tho.

You two don't start dating straight away, Robin wants to go down the old-fashioned, romantic way and take you on a thousand thoughtful dates to make you swoon. Devoted simp queen.

You sketched Robin in class once and she didn't even know how to function after that. Now you draw her a lot when she's not looking because the way this lanky lesbian goes (⁠⊙⁠_⁠◎⁠) is priceless.

Bookstore dates with a lot of bickering because you go for our fantasy Lord and linguistics King J. R. R. Tolkien and she goes for fucking Anthony Olcott????

You two make fun of each other's taste CONSTANTLY but ultimately end up giving it a try and actually enjoying it.

Two energy cannonballs. In this house we don't do control, we only do chaos. You're a menace when you're outside. Be gay do crime etc.

Steve is like, Robin's #1 hypeman in this relationship. He actually pushes her to ask you to be her girlfriend.

Robin buys you weird socks. Once she made fun of your Christmas socks collection and then bought you a pair with that vibe. And then another. And another. And—

This woman hangs anything you create from the wall. Painting? Hung. Rough sketch? Hung. A piece of fabric you randomly embroidered? Hung.

She loves to read whatever you write and actively encourages you to publish it somewhere.

She writes too. Mostly poems. She won't EVER tell you tho because omg so embarrassing going full on Sappho for you.

You probably find the poems at some point because she's a messy queen and you constantly snoop around at her place.

Listening to true crime stories and going to the library to dig into a very specific topic randomly is something you two do constantly and it's just as endearing as it is worrying, because no one —and I mean NO ONE— who's mentally okay runs to the library on a weekend to investigate about sighted UFOs in the last five years just because.

Robin keeping your immaturity and procrastination in check with an iron fist, and you doing the same for her.

Matching costumes for the win.

Robin isn't super big on holidays but she goes out of the way for you.

You say you saw Queen live, I say the two of you saw it and will NEVER let ANYONE forget about it. So sexy of you.

You're that odd couple everyone ships.

[under-the-cherrytree]

ALSO hey Cherry!! If they’re still open, could I get a single matchup thingy? Please take your tiiiime, and delete this if they’re closed! /gen

I am pansexual and demiromantic! 5’2.5, but I usually just round it up to 5’3, cos it’s like,,, basically 5’3. I’m a Libra and infp as well! As for my personality, I talk to you a lot so you probably have a good guess, but I’ll still say! I try my best to be a positive person, tho honestly I’m very sensitive, so I can get sad rather easily- thats probably why I’m a tad clingy, since my friends make me feel happy! I also enjoy going places (literally anywhere,, I just cannot stay home, cos it makes me feel kinda trapped), cats, and hanging out with my friends! Car rides as well- car rides are very nice.

My talents areeee,,,??? Drawing, maybe? Artsy things in general, since writing, reading, and theater are things I like to think I’m alright at. As for dislikes, honestly, it’s mainly just mean people. If someone’s nice to me, I’m going to love them forever and think of them a precious little babey-

I don’t think I have a particular type of person! The only thing I absolutely would need is someone nice, or else I doubt I’d fall for them in the first place. An understanding person as well, who would be interested in my interests, or would at least respect them would be nice. Maybe someone who would be okay with rambles? I dunno qlsnskdndj-

Thank you so much!!! I loooooooooove you!!!

Of course!!! sorry this came out so late i still feel really bad ;-;

Also the fact you want a nice person in your life is just- like when I choose my type I literally would write down every toxic trait there is like “they abused their last wife- I w a n t t h e m” don’t worry, I’m fine-

I love you toooooo!!!!<3

But I pair you up with...

Kou Minamoto!

Damn you two are just the cutest couple-

Kou fell in love with you right away but if it takes you more time to develop feelings for him thats totally understandable!

He finds your positivity adorable and admirable! The way you are positive during the worst situations just help him stay positive as well! 

Kou would notice you get sad and clingy and would be happy with your clinginess! If you ever randomly hugged him his face would turn completely red!

If you ever want to leave your house just call Kou and he will be at your house to walk with you! He would take you anywhere you are interested in or want to go but if you don’t want to go anywhere, he will simply walk and talk with you! He will also invite you to his house if you ever wanted to come over!

He finds it so cool you like to draw; he could watch you draw for hours!! If him staring makes you uncomfortable then he will only take peaks every couple second- 

You do theater arts? He is at every performance! 

You wrote something? He would love to read it!

Read a new book? Please do tell him about it!

He loves everything you do; you are just so perfect to him! Your kindness towards others and him is just something he always loved! 

[frostbytetherebel]

Obey Me! Brothers as songs from BLACKPINK’S ‘The Album’

I’ve been listening to the album on loop since its release. All the songs SLAPS. Eventually I came up with this so yeah let’s get started. 

(All English lyrics are taken from genius.com)

Lucifer: How You Like That 

This one is pretty obvious. 

First single from the album, first track, multiple records hit upon its release - idk sounds pretty much like “the mighty first-born” to me 

The song is basically about escaping a toxic relationship. You know who else has a toxic relationship? That’s right, Mr. Godly Daddy Issues. He literally started a war against his dad.

“Again in such a dark place, light up the sky” & “In such a darker place, shine like the stars” is literally the Morningstar himself in Devildom and no one can change my mind on this. Fact. 

Pridey McPrideface moment: “Look at you, now look at me”

There’s this line in the lyrics: “The day I went down with my wings lost/ Those dark days when I was trapped”, which I think fully represents his fall from heaven. Also queen Roseanne Park NAILED this scene in the MV: 

Yep. That’s the fall of an Archangel for me. 

Mammon: You Never Know 

Tbh I’ve had a hard time deciding on Mammon’s song. 

But then these lyrics hit me: “The words that everyone said so easily/ Maybe you can hear it soon/ I've heard enough I've heard enough/ Of the things that I'm not”

Mammon is constantly harassed by his brothers for being stupid. Sure, he might lack common sense, but it doesn’t give the brothers the full authority to shame him like that. 

“But you'll never know unless you walk in my shoеs/ You'll never know, my tangled strings/ 'Causе everybody sees what they wanna see/ It's easier to judge me than to believe” That’s our classic misunderstood tsundere right there. 

He’s probably the one who’s gonna stick with MC until the very end (y’all know how clingy he can be). “Even if the whole world changes/ I'm still the same”

Also remember during the Lamp event, he was the first one to say that he’d rather be with MC instead of ruling the world? Yeah, the line hits right there. 

At the same time, his feelings for MC? Y O U N E V E R K N O W

(But everyone does eventually) 

Leviathan: Love To Hate Me

“Kinda sad that you always been like that/ See me making waves and you don't like that” Levi usually gets emotional because of mangas/animes/video games (and I wouldn’t be surprised if he would actually flood the House Of Lamentation). And how many times do we see the brothers complain about that throughout the storyline? Countless. 

“Only thing I think about is big stacks” except the stacks are Ruri-chan goods. 

Notice how Levi is the one who gets involved in family drama the least (unless his video games are the direct cause for them)? Sounds a lot like “I keep it light/ No, no, no drama in my life”. 

Classic introvert line: “I need you? Nah, I been good lately/ Blowin' up, workin' busy” because who the fuck needs people when you can binge watch animes and blow shits up in video games all day? 

Poor boy keeps chasing Mammon because of the debt. “I'm takin' back what you've taken from me” yeah you go boy.  

Satan: Pretty Savage. 

The song title speaks for itself. 

Satan is definitely a pretty boy (fight me, I dare you). He shows off a friendly smile way too often that people sometimes forget that he’s the Avatar Of Wrath. 

And yeah, he can be pretty savage. 

He HATES being compared to Lucifer. “It seems similar, but we are different from the core”. He loathes it even more if people start calling him by his bRoThEr’s name. “If you get our name wrong, ddu-du-ddu-du hit” aka prepare for the wrath of kitty boyo.

Did I mention how he loves messing up Lucifer’s life? That’s exactly what “Yeah, we some bitches you can't manage/ I make this difficult thing again” means. 

When he gets angry, well “You better run, run, run”. 

This whole song just fits him perfectly. 

Well, except for the “I wore something similar to you, but it looks better on me” part because this man has absolutely no fashion sense. 

Asmodeus: Bet You Wanna

“MC I know you want meeeeee” 

Horny song for a horny demon boyo. 

Asmodeus is beautiful and he knows it. He’s undeniably the most confident demon in Devildom. He knows his looks are on another level. “Uh, I'm gonna make you go blind/ Every time I walk, my hips, they don't lie”

He’s also a party animal full of energy. Anywhere he goes, he’s gonna make sure all eyes are on him. “You wanna run with my love, I know you wanna/ From the club to the tub, you said you wanna/ Give me an all night hug, I bet you wanna”

And of course, the song screams his signature trait: his lust. “Let's do what we both desire/ On God, like I'm in the choir/ I bet you if you make me sweat, I'll still be on fire” Yeah mister, thank you for announcing your desire to have such intense sex that you’ll moan like a whole choir. Totally useful information. 

Also imagine Asmo singing along to this with Cardi B. 

The S A S S tho. 

Beelzebub: Ice Cream 

Another obvious one. 

“Wow, a food-themed song! Totally fits the Avatar Of Gluttony perfectly!” 

That’s what you think, right? Well, there’s actually more to that. 

At first glance, we all think that Ice Cream is just another summer song with cheerful and light-hearted beats, right? But haha SIKE BITCH it’s actually a horny song. 

It’s even more horny than Bet You Wanna. See the lyrics for yourself. 

And Beel, he may appear as a totally friendly demon who craves food 24/7 at first. 

But as we go deeper into the storyline, we realise that he’s actually not nice and naive like we thought. 

His personality has darker aspects (aka depressing memories) along with a needy side. 

How many times were MC asked to feed him (and then given the option to have a passionate kiss with him) during the storyline? Idk, I lost count already. 

Also I’m sure that 80% of this fandom wouldn’t mind being a hoe for him. 

Belphegor: Crazy For You 

(SPOILERS FOR LESSON 16)

Oh boy, here comes the yandere vibes. 

Belphie’s love is extremely obsessive. “If you're my (hu)man, I want you to myself”. 

When he was trapped in the attic, he knew he needed a plan to get out. And he knew that plan would eventually trigger Lucifer so much. But he proceeded anyway and approached MC first, because all he needed then was their attention. “I know I'll have enemies long as you're into me/ But I don't care 'cause I got what I need”

Being the natural cunning demon he is, he knows how to manipulate MC into helping him. “I saw you/ And knew what I was trying to do/ I had to play it rеal, real smooth/ And once I finally made my move/ I went crazy over you”

Remember what he did to MC after lesson 16? Cow boyo began pining to us like crazy. That part was so smooth I almost forgot he choked us to death. (Admit it, some of you actually forgot about it.) 

Like Jennie sang, “Feels wrong but it's right, right?”

[lovedlovingly]

Growing up, spec when seen as a daughter, with an abusive mother - u swear to never become like her. Which we all know can be a trap, the mindset can make you overlook the exact traits you silently took with u from her without even noticing it, because your focus is more on "what not to be" than "what to be" and self reflection.

I live with this fear all the time. Not always consciously, but especially when someone makes me feel bad, small, unimportant etc about myself I always go back to "I shouldn't be like my mother" trying to find a response, which isn't... Usually the situation where i should have my focus on [those traits]. But instead see if what I'm feeling is how I felt as a child, and make myself finally heard the way I longed for by a mother figure.

These fear throughts of "am I becoming my mother?" are also strong when ppl come to me with a problem or a need to vent. The way I react to them to be able to give them the sense of being heard and validated is strong, not only because I want to prove something/"someone" wrong, but because it's something I myself long for, it's traits of someone I want to be. Choose to be.

I think this process has been one of the hardest for me, also because I don't have good tools yet! I feel insufficient, as if I could imagine what should be in my toolbox but when I actually look in it there's only a hammer wrench and a couple of nails.

I know I have [toxic traits]. Any human does. What separates me from my own mother is that I want to try to be better. Not only for myself but for those around me. Right now tho, limited edition© for ppl who treat me with kindness, value and respect, because they're things I've been starved of for so long and I need my The Sims™ meter to go up to green. Then I can probably handle other people with no turmoil inside me. But while working with one self, these aren't easy things. Trauma patterns and beliefs are hard, especially from childhood. You have nothing to go back to, no former self. You have to find a new you to create, find out what you even want, find your own needs. It takes time and you stumble and u get angry because u feel with one toe out of line you've fallen all the way back over.

And sometimes that's also connected to the abuse, to be hard on ourselves, to think we can't handle it - not really, that things are too good to be true so we should take a more modest path to set our goals on. There's so many dimensions to this to work with. And it both makes me exited but also really sad.

What's also hard is. Even if you cut your mother out of your life, the people around you know you in a certain way. So changing can be really hard on that point too, you've found a new role with new ppl but u still want more, you still want to recover. I dont know how to solve that either, it feels like an elastic band. You try to move forward but find yourself ending up in old patterns because even if your abuser isn't around you've formed a trauma self, who's the one others know u as. It's weird. I guess the best thing is to try and grow with the ppl around u? And if they can't it's okay to leave them behind. And it's okay for them to leave you behind too! They might not be able to handle the change (ever so small) but it's important for you and for once you want to listen to yourself and not long for suffering.

Because we do bond in suffering. We bond with complaints. But when that's all a friendship is u have to reflect if that's helping you become the person, the version of yourself, you want to see.

And if you only bond in "happiness" in "positive thinking" where there's no room for venting or problem solving. That's unhealthy too, and you won't thrive. You feel like a cactus in a habitat for lotus flowers. It's someone constantly pouring on soil to completely cover a flower and tell it to grow thus their job is done (they give so much nurture but not what's actually needed for said person and it's still neglectful)

I feel recovery is a really lonely path. It's like, you're not alone on your journey, absolutely far from, but it's lonely.

And sometimes the fear of still being the victim is stronger than the fear of becoming my mom. The fear that that loneliness (even though on my way I've met amazing ppl and we've walked the same path for a while) will make me turn around. Sprint back to what I know. What's familiar. Because at least I know that outcome, I know I'll be miserable - and for some that's more comforting than the thought of unknown possibilities. No matter how good they are. Been there too!

So sometimes the bravest thing an abuse survivor can do(being terrified but doing it anyway), is having the courage to take the first step towards the unknown and open the different doors on the way forward and decide if they want to stay there for a while or move forward again. And even though it is lonely at times, we actually never are alone. It's loneliness in community. It's a duality at the same time. It's a coin forever spinning.

Just because our mothers made us feel cut off from the rest of society, because our trauma makes us feel like we're the puzzle piece that doesn't fit in, doesn't mean it's true. There are, sadly enough, so so many survivors in the world to find strength from or to help in your turn when able. And even more amazingly, to work together with.

I hope that in the future, and it might take me 20,30,40 years to get free from all the marionette strings my mother tied to me, but I hope I can look back, from time to time, and be proud of and have so much thankfulness in my heart and compassion with how brave I was for taking that first step towards unknown recovery. And really thank them for bringing me there. Just like I in the present, thank my former self for all the ground work they've done for me to be where I'm at already!

And maybe that's the biggest difference between me and my abuser, I can truly feel love for myself and in turn it makes me want to love others and make them love themselves. All because I'm proud of the former versions of me, even though they've stumbled head first at times and had to learn hard lessons and just like anyone I have things I feel ashamed over in my life. The thing I can be happy over is, in hindsight and who I am rn, I would go back to all those situations and correct them if I could. Apologize if I could. Make amends if I could. Tell ppl to fuck off earlier if I could. It gives me comfort to know I don't feel fear towards who I was. Back then I might have only had a nail in my toolbox! And I did what I could with what I had - just like now.

But one thing remains the same, I've always wanted better for myself but never at the expense of others. If I go up I take u all up with me! And in that I can never become my mother.

[jewpacabruhs]

thoughts on heiman?

i got this like two weeks ago sorry for the late reply

ok so i wasnt big on the s20 and s21 heiman kyman kydi love triangle bullshit but it def was a big deal, because it told us a lot about kyman’s current dynamic, & how cartman might act in a relationship, & how kyle would react to his being in one - lotta good shit. i won’t talk about kyman tho, i’ll stick to heiman. keep in mind i havent seen these eps since they aired but i jus reread summaries so i could recall & answer. so from my recollection, and from meta conversations ive had with my kyman buddies about what the whole heiman plot meant - let’s get started.

first off cartman has a singular basic need, and it’s attention. he’ll try to get it in various ways, and usually the easiest way is to act like an asshole. he gets negative attention that way, but it’s something. and the main four aren’t the healthiest bunch to each other, but they consistently hang out with cartman and pay attention to him, because they are friends, after all - and that’s generally enough for him. i think kyle’s the most important piece there, as he never can disengage like kenny or stan do - and it’s canon that arguing with kyle is cartman’s raison d'etre. so when the whole skankhunt deal happened and cartman got abandoned by everyone, all the people who provided him consistent attention, he went into a weird place, because for the first time he was alone with himself and alone with his thoughts. and for someone like cartman, that’s not fucking good. for anyone who has Bad Thoughts in their noggins, staying distracted is the most important thing in the world. and cartman no longer had anything to keep him busy - no social media and no friends.

but then he met heidi, and he went “huh. so this is what positive attention feels like?” and then all the lovey-dovey shit - i think cartman struggles with being genuine, so he emulates media with a lot of shit, including his desire to be antagonistic and badass. and while i think he might be cuddly with a future boyfriend (kyle), with heidi it jus felt performative and false. it felt like him 1) trying to show off to everyone and make a scene, and 2) trying to do the things he saw others doing, to the point of excess, to prove it was “real”. cartman always has something to prove. and why heidi went along with it, they don’t really tell us, but the assumption is she just likes romance or whatever & was like “aw this is sweet i like this”... simple as that yanno.

but then it got too much for cartman, and he sabotaged it. i think for certain personality types, too much of a good thing really gets to a person. it can get overwhelming, frustrating, annoying, boring. i say this because i think cartman and heidi’s relationship was too soft. that’s why he started to get awful again; it wasn’t stimulating enough for him, and he started lashing out to try to generate something. he craves relationships (platonic or not) where he can fight with someone - even if you don’t ship kyman, it’s clearly why he likes kyle so much; cartman feeds off of tension. so lacking tension with heidi caused him to be disillusioned - so he started to act the way anyone acts when they’re with someone who irritates them and aren’t good at hiding it. i don’t think he meant to mold her into something he could handle - i think she did that on her own. some people adapt in dangerous ways (ie losing themselves) to please their partners or friends. heidi’s apparently one of those people.

so on heidi’s end, she suddenly didn’t know what was causing cartman to seemingly dislike her, but she didn’t want to give up what they had, she was invested and liked him a lot - likely felt they had a genuine connection. so she enabled his behavior, and deteriorated into someone as unhealthy as cartman in an attempt to please him. i don’t think cartman’s toxic as a whole, but he could easily be in certain situations, because he’s the type who attracts passive insecure types (heidi & butters, namely) & causes them to pick up his traits in order to appeal to him more, or to handle his company better, really. that’s why he needs someone like kyle or wendy, who aren’t as malleable and are significantly more self-assured. he needs to be put in his place, and to be held on a tight leash. when he’s given control of situations, everyone suffers. 

now i don’t remember how kyle fit into things & i’m extremely sick rn so i don’t have the energy to rewatch like i oughta before writing smth like this, so i won’t get into that. but yeah … heidi and cartman only worked when cartman was faking. maybe if he was healthier as a whole they might’ve worked, but as of now cartman’s got too many unchecked issues - honestly, no one deserves to be with him in his current mind state. he’s too destructive, and he drags others down with him if they’re, frankly, dumb enough to get emotionally invested. he needs constant stimulation, man. he collapses in on himself without it. and that wouldn’t change even if he got better - he’s just, hah, high maintenance. so i don’t think him and heidi would ever work in any circumstances. they’re simply not compatible. sometimes opposites attract, but other times, they fucking,,,, eat each other broh. metaphorically and such. heidi needs someone who will let her love them unconditionally, and cartman needs someone who will give him tough love.

also, at the end of the day, i think cartman’s very gay and i hc heidi as a lesbian, lol. so within fanon i like them patching things up in ms/hs & becoming bffs - i think they’d get on well as friends, just not lovers. in a platonic setting, heidi might be a calming positive presence for cartman (and a nice reprieve from the guys, who r prone to teasing each other), to keep him out of trouble but not in a sharp or stern way, just in a “not worth it, eric” way, and cartman is fun and wild and might be a nice change from heidi’s more,,, composed & judgey girl friends. he also wouldnt let her dwell or get too involved in stuff that might hurt her, i could see him bein like “nah do this with me instead”; cartman’s not very intuitive, i just think he would always wanna do what he wants instead of what someone else wants, but that might be good sometimes, might keep someone prone to getting overly invested in smth from getting in too deep. like he’s a bit shallower but i think that might be good for somebody emotional like heidi to be around. yuh. that’s all i got.

[apprentice-nylah]

Now that’s I’ve unlocked Nadia’s reverse ending, I’m going to to a first impression and recap post about it. I’ve read about the general gist of what happens and I’ll tell you right now, I already know I’m going to hate it. But hey, that’s what reverse/”bad” endings are in otome games and I don’t really get everyone being like “omg the reverse endings are so bad.” Like duh? That’s the point? 

I unlocked the upright ending first and that recap post can be found here. 

I do talk about this ending a little in comparison to the upright ending, so there are spoilers for the upright ending in this first thoughts. Just a heads up if you haven’t read anything about and don’t want to be spoiled for it. 

- ok, like I said, I know I’m going to hate this, and may end up hating Nadia in this specific crossroad in her route, but damnit I want to experience it for myself and maybe cry myself to sleep tonight. 

- Ok I know that killing Lucio probably shouldn’t be considered a good thing, but honestly when he begs her to wait and she’s just like “why should I” my monkey brain that really doesn’t like Lucio is just like DO IT DO IT

- oh so Lucio though he was becoming the Devil, not one of his lackeys?

- yes, that. that sounds like an idiotic idea, even for lucio. Like did he really think that would work?

- yep, there’s that “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself” thought process that’s so destructive for Nadia

- uhm.. i mean to be honest in the reverse ending, the apprentice encourages stuff like that so “he got what he deserved.” I guess

- bind the devil. yeah that seems like.. not a great idea

- honestly, I’m not going to lie, after all the choices I’ve had to make to get the reverse ending, it’s so hard conceptually for me to believe that Nadia still loves the apprentice in that ending, though intellectually I know she does (knowing what she does at the end of the route doesn’t help this either)

- yeah Nadia becoming the devil. A part of me thinks that’s incredibly hot, but at the same time, it’s just so bad. Especially after the upright ending

- I do wonder if she became an Arcana, what would happen to her connection to the High Priestess

- So weird for Valerius to be the voice of reason lmao

- ugh. my upright ending brain wants to say “there’s always a choice.” but I suppose playing in character to this ending ”I’ll support you.”

- “let me help, please.” 

- ugh yeah, I already hate it

- I’M THE FOOL baby. 

- again, unconditional loyalty and trust without knowing what is to come... especially given what got us here, I’m super sketched out by that, even knowing what’s to come 

- “let me prove it to you.” o dear, what have I gotten myself into

- While I’m obsessed with sweet, loving Nadia, dominating Nadia is still like... so hot

- “anything you want.” 

- to be honest, its like, they’re playing “if Nadia becomes the Devil, you’ll never see her again.” but then “after everything is over, she’ll give you the world and more.” and those two things just seem.... wrong

- “to be yours.” 

- But. Nadia finally marking the apprentice is sexy

- walking on water. that’s... cute.

- oh. the dogs and they look... pissssssed

- oh no. the high priestess. I’M NOT READY

- yeah, i’m going to hate this

- seeing them fight makes my heart hurt

- also, Nadia saying she’s the only one she can trust is also just sad, because it implies that she feels like she can’t trust the apprentice either, especially when in the upright ending, she relies on the apprentice a lot

- “you’re not foolish” (even tho u fucking are Nadia)

- ugh, letting valdamar and vulgora attack the palace, especially after kicking their asses in the upright ending again, feels bad man. 

- “don’t give up now” though i know this is fucking real

- seeing her bitter at her sisters is also so sad. because we know they genuinely love her lots

- ugh ok i knew that was coming and its still so bad

honestly, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. People actually made it sound like offering up the apprentice came out of the blue and she was betraying the apprentice without any rhyme or reason. While I still hate it, I think I kind of understand what she’s doing. 

Like, I honestly hate the toxicity of her relationship with the apprentice if you get the reverse ending. Because if you get it (like you make the choices you have to make to get it), it basically implies you’ve been enabling her rather bad habits and frankly, some self-destructive behavior. Yeah, there are domination parts that are really hot for me, but at the same time, the idea that she’s so isolated and alone that while she says she loves the apprentice, she still treats them like kind of a possession is just sad. Again, especially in the upright ending where the two are engaged and are on equal footing with one another and they’re just so in love and Nadia seems happy. Whereas the reverse ending, she just seems frustrated and angry all the time. 

Anyway, like I said at the beginning, I really don’t get people who are like “omg the reverse ending is so bad.” It’s considered the “bad” ending for a reason. It’s arguably not necessarily bad, but it does certainly amplify Nadia’s bad/less desirable traits, instead of boosting her positive ones like in the upright ending. 

I also don’t really feel hatred towards Nadia for this. I know I was reading some people saying be prepared to maybe hate Nadia after her reverse ending for what she does at the end, selling the apprentice out to the Devil. But again, we don’t know what her plan is. If she indeed has one. And she has been saying she does. 

What I think I hate more about it is that she’s actually so hyper-fixated on what she feels is saving the world by becoming the Devil herself, that she forgets the people in the real world she has to protect. And also knowing in the upright ending that there is another way. That becoming the Devil isn’t “the only way” it just makes her train of thought less realistic, though, given the context, it makes sense why she thinks this way. Idk, it’s just hard to square the two when you’ve played them both. To be honest, if you have a choice, I’d recommend playing through the reverse ending before the upright ending. Because having the upright ending context then playing through the reverse ending just makes every decision in the reverse ending seem actually stupid. 

Idk. the upright ending is certainly far superior as far as Nadia stans go, but I do think that the reverse ending does have some valuable insight to Nadia’s character and some of the Arcana lore and is worth trying to obtain and play through. 

[galaxyacerodoesart]

FINALLY IM DONE WITH THIS OH MY GOD. My SAI crashed while I was finishing the painting one of the images and my stupid past-self hadn’t save literally since I had finished the lineart, which meant I had to start doing the colors all over again. Which sucked. A  L O T .

BUT, WITHOUT ANY OTHER INTERUPTIONS, I HERE PRESENT, FUTURE!VIRGIL IN MY SANDERS SIDES POKÉMON AU....

Nurse Virgil.

Yes, you guys aren’t seeing or reading wrong, I thought for what I wanted Virgil’s future to be in my AU, and somehow the idea of him becoming a nurse on a pokémon center came to me and I was like “????? it??? somehow fits his character in my AU??? And he would look nice af??? Heck yeah, let’s do this.” Honestly, I was thinking about how he does always try to look out for everyone and everything, and somehow the idea of him in my AU becoming a Nurse clicked and i loved it. So yeah I HAVE thought a little about how and when in his path he decided to follow the path of becoming a pokémon nurse and all, will explain better under keep reading like I always do. But one thing I knew I had to give him, was a new “nurse pokémon” like the ones Nurse Joy always have with her in every generation, and then without even thinking much, I went with Audino simply because it’s shiny is purple. Yes, that was the only reason, and is a valid af reson. 

His old pokémon obviously still are with him, and seems like we have a new addiction BESIDES Audino?? my, my how did that little fella joined the team, I wonder?? Perhaps the information is under the read more....~  and warning. It’s DEFINITELY a LOOOONG one. Told you all I imagined the story behind WHY Virgil took this path. :’D

BUT FIRST. TAGGING LIST! AGAIN, IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO BE ON THIS TAG LIST ANYMORE, PLEASE INFORM ME! My reason behing this list is mainly the feedback received on my past SSPokémon!AU fanarts and such. So yeah...sorry if you didn’t want to be tagged ;u; @revengeraptor @samthekoalabear @not-so-innocent-bi-sander@warnadudenexttime @anxious-fander-talian-bean@flynnisthename@anxiousoddish @madly-handsome @pastel-patton123 @virgil-angsty-sanders @smokeyrutilequartz @heythereprincey @ flowersquirl

 Virgil ended up taking into the nurse path after taking the job of being Nurse’s joy “errand boy” for a while. At that point in his life, he was actually living with Patton in his daycare, finally deciding to stop wondering the world after something he didn’t even know what was. He did help Patton around the daycare, but still liked to help the old nurse on the pokémon center every now and then. Patton obviously had nothing against it and even encouraged Virgil to do so, always happily saying how he could see Virgil’s anxious and reserved self slowly but surely start to dissapear as he could see the boy slowly start to open up easily to others and trust them a little bit more. The Nurse Joy he helped was already pretty old, having worked on what she loved for pretty much all her life, she was also always happy to have Virgil around even if just for the company, something about how when you worked on taking care of pokémon and seeing trainers come and go so fast, she barely was able to take a break, it was nice to have a helping hand other than from her pokémon. Until one day she asked Virgil if HE wasn’t interested in actually becoming a nurse himself, seeing that without even realizing Virgil DID start to do more than just “get her itens and medicine she had bought from town” and actually helping around with treating the pokémon that trainers would bring. Virgil obviously thought she was joking??? Like, Wasn’t becoming a nurse a Joy thing??? All nurses he had seen in his journey WERE Nurses JOY after all. Sure, he might had helped the poor woman with taking care of the pokémon bringing them their medicine and food, but surely being an ACTUAL nurse of a pokémon center was WAY Different than THAT. And most importantly, he still saw himself as an anxious mess, what if he couldn’t treat a pokémon properly?? what if he messed up and ended up giving the wrong treatment???  Joy answered his doubts. And say that no, while most nurses WERE Joys, it wasn’t actually a “only Joy” thing. Anyone could actually apply and study to become one, the Joys were simply the most famous and best at that, but that didn’t mean ALL Joys were nurses, or that all nurses WERE Joys, she knew the poor boy anxiety problem, but still tried to reasure that he would do fine, it wasn’t like he really needed to if he didn’t want to, it was just a suggestion of her, he obviously wouldn’t be at that boat alone, all his pokémon WOULD be able to help him around, even if he probably would get a new “healing pokémon”. All his pokémon already were pretty much therapy pokémon so, it would obviously be completely fine. But still. The final choice to apply and try out all the studies was his. Virgil didn’t think much of it then, but..the more he tought about it, somehow, the less strange it was??? He even talked with Patton and Logan about it, bringing the deal up as a joke, but then they both actually agreed it could be something he could do??? Again, it took a lot of talking from Patton’s and Logan’s side to make Virgil believe it was something he was capable of, and then a little more on Logan’s side pointing out the positive traits the study would bring, and finishing saying “You might study and finish it with golden stars, but it’s not like that means you ARE OBLIGATED to become a Pokémon Nurse. You can go for the knowledge, but if at the end of all, it isn’t something you want to do, you can come back. We won’t bring the deal anymore and we will support you in your decision.” That Virgil decided to actually go back to the Nurse Joy to ask where exactly he could apply to study, who not only gave him the adress, but also a recomendation letter that surely got him in the Pokémon Nurse university, and eventually finished with golden stars.

Now that THAT Part is out of the way... A little bit more about him once he became a Nurse:

While it is an POKÉMON center, specialized in taking care of Pokémon, he also takes care of trainers who might have been injuired or attacked by pokémon. Like, trainers under effects of a Paralizing Powder and stuff like that.

Virgil as a nurse is literally 30% less anxious, 60% more frustrated and 100% DONE.

Ask him “why there isn’t a hot nurse Joy working here instead of an emo kid”, I fucking dare you.

“Geez, I don’t know Derek, Maybe because the poor woman might have other dreams in mind and don’t want to stay behind a desk wearing all the shit that comes out of the mouth of guys like you??? Maybe she just didn’t want to become a nurse??? I DON’T KNOW DEREK, WHY ARE YOU HERE ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS WHEN THERE ARE TRAINERS ACTUALLY NEEDING TO HAVE THEIR POKÉMON HEALED AND ARE HAVING TO WAIT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE THAT IS KEEPING ME FROM DOING MY WORK TO ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS HUH DEREK?!!? WHY?!?!!?”

Definitely not giving up his dark clothes and make-up simply because he now is a nurse. His uniform is literally more purple-ish than pink, and he only allows himself to wear the white apron.

He honestly just...worries. Which is something he always did. But now he is more worried because of how dumb some trainers seem to be like?? Why would you fight a LV35 Ursaring when your poor Bayleef is only LV17???? WHY Would you look at a dark forest full of wild Vileplumes and Glooms and think “Yeah, I can definitely go through there without a repellent or anything like that, i’ll be JUST FINE.” Seriously. He just can’t take all that anymore. 

All his friends are obviously proud as heck of him for becoming a Nurse, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get frustrated with them as well. 

More than once Patton was bought to the center after being poisoned by hugging a Muk. “Patton, tell me..WHY did you hug him?!?!” “HE LOOKED SAD!!!” “PATTON, HE’S LITERALLY MADE OF TOXIC AND POLUTION WASTE!!” “THAT ONLY MEANT HE NEVER HAD BEEN HUGGED, SO I DEFINITELY HAD TO HUG HIM!!!”

The others aren’t any different though.

“Logan, I swear, If you have to be bought here again because you exasted yourself to the point of collapsing, I am tying you up to the table.” “That’s ridiculous, I assure you, I am perfectly FINE! You and Patton are simply exagerating. I can define my working and resting time just fine.” “Logan, You do realize your Alakazam literally knows the pokémon center number right.” “....How does he even know how to dia-” “I gave him orders to keep an eye on you and literally put you to sleep using hypnosis if he sees you overworking yourself again.” “WHA- HOW- HOW DID YOU-” “I talked to him, i know. shocker. Don’t try me Logan. Just do what I say. DOCTORS orders.”

“Remy...what...what are you doing here...it’s...literally 3AM. WHY did you press the emergency alarm?!?!” “...’Cause it’s an emergency???” “... None of your pokémon are with you and you look fine.” “Im out of coffe Virgil.” “...wha-” “there’s none left home! :(” “...Remy, I already told you. The guy that runs the coffe bar here in the pokémon center only comes and open it up at 6:30AM. Go home.” “wait wait! I have another reason!” “...What.” “ I Came...uuuh...to hang?! :D” “Get the fuck out of my pokémon center, before I send you straight to an actual hospital.”

“Aaah, my fair Virgil...isn’t it amazing how after all those years, I’m now a famous Top coordinator, and you are coming out of your shell and helpng so many people! Isn’t it amazing?!?!” “The only amazing thing here Princey, is how the fuck you managed to actually win the Grand Festival when your moves are still mediocre at best. ;)” “ *offended princey noises* “ WHA- HOW DARE- YOU!! I- “Love ya too princey. Now here. Ariel is completely healed, thank you hope to see you soon. ” “....im not sure if you just want to see ME again, or if you want my pokémon to get hurt.” “And that is what you have to think about for the next contest~ Hope to see you in the judges line soon.”

His relationship with Roman still is...strange. They love eachother tho, no one say anything, they probably will realize by themselves. 

Yeah...probably.

He does still love contests and all that, he DID grew up around it. So he often is called to be one of the judges of the contests around, which is something he happily do if he isn’t too busy.

He got Audino from the old nurse Joy that got him to apply in the first place. She was a “new recruit” sended to her, but since she was retiring now that Virgil was taking her place in the Pokémon Center, she decided to let him have her.

Hey, she was purple, he wasn’t complaining.

She also is probably 30% of his emotional control now that he works at the pokémon center, so that is a bonus.

As Joy had said, he was able to keep his old pokémon with him and have them help around the center. Even if neither of them had healing abilities like Audino does, they manage to help in other ways.

Most of the time, they help with bringing itens and medicine he needs, but they also help the trainers around the center to wait for their turn so the whole thing doesn’t become a mess in days where the place is full.

Most people were rather...scared of having a GHOST type like Haunter in a place where it isn’t uncommon to have sick and hurt pokémon. But it didn’t take them long to realize that Virgil’s Haunter was literally the biggest goofball and prankster they had seen. He is AMAZING with baby pokémon and young trainers/children that come around the Pokémon center. There are literally days were schools would bring their pre-school studants to the pokémon center just to see Haunter. Virgil had agreed on it. Haunter definitely is happy to entertain the kids and to help spread that Ghost pokémon aren’t “evil” or something like that.

Mimikyu is ALSO a new addiction to the team, but it’s one that happened BEFORE he went to study. Mimikyu was a gift from one of the other guys to him. Who was that gave him a Mimikyu??? Mimikyu’s type is literally the only and big hint im leaving here. ;)

Mimikyu loves to wear bows, so Virgil always make sure to tie his “uniform” in one. The little guy LOVES it. Mimikyu mainly stays close to Virgil during the day though, helping him more behind the desk than anything. He still isn’t really used to big crowds. Virgil can understand that feeling.

[kayleetriesthings-blog]

Day 1

was difficult. TLDR @ end. This morning I decided to love myself. It’s been weeks since I’d last shaved, so I prepared a bath first thing. I had been suffering regrown hair for way too long now. I started with my face, then my legs, then.. everywhere. Minus my upper back (gotta draw the line somewhere). ... It took a long time. At some point I got so angry at the regrowth that I scraped furiously at my skin with my razor, leaving me with little cuts to nip at my ass and legs every time I sit.

Admittedly, I haven’t liked the appearance of my body this much since.. ever? It’s been a while since I’ve seen this much skin and I’m just overjoyed with how much HRT has already accomplished. Better yet, this is still the least feminine physique I will have going forward. Each day is a new small reward with its growth, but it’s hard seeing time pass and other masculine traits stay the same.

Carrying on the rush of smooth skin, I applied makeup and brushed my hair for a change. I’m still nowhere near a girl’s face, but I feel closer. My hair is long enough that it’s definitively femme. I’ve been clipping back one side with a barrette for extra gender coding, and at this length its use finally felt comfortable and natural. I dressed in a cute sweater and leggings and felt happy (despite continued discomfort in tucking).

Still, I felt so sad trying to leave the house today. I so want to be seen as a girl, but once I talk to anyone I’ll have to use my voice. It’s so bad. I hate talking to people. I’m non-passing and I get treated as such. However much I want people to treat me right, my voice will always convince them otherwise. They “watch their step”, or get so confused they absentmindedly misgender me to my face with a “man” or “dude” tossed in at the end of their sentences. They do this to ingratiate unconsciously, buying them that precious time to process proper social behavior around someone so visibly queer.

Some say it with such intention that I have to believe they think they’re affirming my “male” gender. Like I need affirmation that, indeed! despite my feminine presentation, I should not fear being mistaken for a girl. “Don’t worry dude, you’re still my bro, even if you are gay” is the intonation.

They mean nothing by it. It’s a split second judgement call informed by people’s individual experiences with gender, toxic or otherwise. When it happens every time you try to make yourself look pretty tho? It's fucking demoralizing.

Worst part is, I’ve been there too. I remember years ago deciding I was non-binary, believing gender was fake and ignoring the daily evidence to the contrary. I couldn’t understand when friends came forward as NB; I couldn’t see past their decades of gonadal hormone expression. I would stumble over my words when talking with them, trying to think of the right thing to say, kicking myself for accidental misgendering. People generally don’t understand gender, so they’ll stumble in interactions. That sucks.

Anyways I changed into androgynous clothes before leaving the house so I could function. At least when I get misgendered like this I’m already dissociated and don’t experience that social shot of dysphoria pulling me into it.

I think I’ve been binge eating. I’m considering bulimia. I’ve started hurting myself in little ways. You guessed it, I went the weekend without my anti-depressant. 🎉🎉🎉

Wait, isn’t this supposed to be a sex blog? Fuck.

TLDR: Shaving is hard. Hormone therapy is cool. Getting called dude feels bad. Honestly you should unfollow and come back later when I feel sexy and shit.

[rimalupin]

50 More Interesting Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

Thank you for tagging me @theempresskaizer & @kakihoden! :D <3

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Anything fermented. Like, ew. Also brussel sprouts (Then again, I have yet find someone who can cook brussel sprouts “well.” :b)

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Public transit schedules. They’re so darn inconvenient (And yet I’m commuting for the remainder of my uni career. At least I’m saving money..?). -.-’

3. Have you got any useless talents?: I try to make use of my talents, so I’m gonna say no. :b

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: Taking (good & worthwhile) risks because I’m always so darn careful so I end up not trying new things sometimes.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: ALL THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY I KNOW AND LOVE. <3 Oh, also Emma Watson, Gal Gadot, Shawn Mendes, Tom Holland, and all the other celebs I tend to fangirl about (I can’t name them all rn, haha sorry~. :P).

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Singing all the Disney songs (Which I still do nowadays, haha~.). I would also read books, write my own stories, and act as if I was on a Disney Channel show (I was quite the Disney fangirl back in the day. xD)

7. What is something you’re proud of?: My friends who are just starting college/uni this year. Most of them are already setting up their dorms and getting ready for classes. They’re growing up so fast! :’)

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Dishonesty. I don’t associate with phonies.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: I’m a bit of both. Then again, being a follower makes you a kind of leader: you essentially lead people to follow your leader, if that makes sense Okay I’ll shut up about leadership theory sorry y’all. :P

10. What kind of student are/were you?: The diligent one (but people often claim I’m the overachiever even tho I’m not always a straight A student lololol).

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: Ohhhhh yes. This kind of thing has happened to me many times (In like the best ways possible, thankfully.).

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: Being alone/left out (Even though “I’m never really alone” ((Which I know I’m not. Hence the “irrational” part of this particular fear/aversion.)).)

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: Yup. Plenty of ‘em.

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I don’t drink... Yet. My Canadian friends are trying to get me to drink with them since I’m now legal in Canada but I’m scared heeeeeelp. :b I’m usually the wallflower if I don’t know anybody too well at a party. However, if I find people I’m comfortable hanging out with, I’ll stick with their squad throughout the event, talking, eating, dancing and taking pictures/SnapChats to our hearts’ desires~. ^-^

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: Nope. I have to get to know the person before I “fall in love” with them, let alone having a crush on them. Which is why the biggest crushes I’ve had were on some of my closest friends. But I’ve never told them because I didn’t want to risk our friendships IDK I’M A NOOB WHEN IT COMES TO LOVEY-DOVEY THINGS. :b

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend. <3

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: Neat-freak. Definitely a neat-freak. xD

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: 

Both of these locations are places where I’d have more than enough room to move or think. ^-^

Outdoors: Somewhere near the sea, where I could feel the sand on my toes, hear the waves splashing onto the shore, smell the ocean breeze, and watch the orange sunset glowing along the horizon.

Indoors: An empty practice room. Wooden floors, large mirrors in front of the room, dance barres along the side walls, a few windows displaying the outside world, and a speaker/stereo system perfect for blasting the music around the room.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: No kids atm, but I love working with them! Yes, I’d like kids someday~.

20. What was your favorite book as a child?: I read many books as a wee child. But one book I can clearly remember is Stellaluna. It’s an adorable story about a bat who discovers who she truly is thanks to both her adoptive and biological families (The former being a family of birds and the latter being a family of bats.).

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: Fidget spinners. I’m still seeing people freak out about those things. Didn’t the trend die a month or two ago?

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: Myspace. *evil laughs despite the fact that I never had a Myspace account* :P Sorry I couldn’t think of anything else bahaha~

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: I mean, I’ve never met MYSME’s 707 IRL, so I’ll stick with him And we can visit his space station, haha~ ^-^

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Act in a theatrical production. I haven’t done theatre in a year and I already miss it. T.T

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: I’ll definitely speak my mind if I’m well-versed in the topic and if I’m passionate about it. If I want to present a controversial opinion, I have to be sure that I can articulate my POV eloquently and professionally. I’m also more than willing to listen to the other side, as long as they fully know what they’re talking about (Frankly, I will not take any B.S. if I suspect B.S.).

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: I’m blanking... Yeah, IDK, but I’m pretty sure I got caught up in some kind of dumb fad back in middle school. *shivers b/c I don’t want to relive those years*

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: When I was younger (like elementary/middle school-age), I dreamed of becoming a singer. In order to accomplish that dream, I joined my school and church choirs: however, that turned out to be a pretty toxic experience since almost everyone I was singing with treated every single practice and performance as a singing competition. Like, c’mon you guys: we aren’t on Glee. -.-’

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: Honesty: I admire people who are genuine and true.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): Books (people know I’m a huge bookworm), clothes (b/c I’m usually too lazy/don’t have time to shop for my own clothes, LOLOL), stuffed animals (I’m a child at heart and I love cuddly & cute things), sweets (especially chocolate).

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: 

English is my mother tongue.

I apparently used to speak Tagalog fluently when I was very young, but then I stopped speaking that language once I started preschool; however, I’ve picked up some terms over the years, so I can sort of dissect my parents’ conversations w/ the other adults (”Yes, Mom, I knew that you were talking about my uni stuff with Tita *insert name here*.” :P), plus I’m going to take a Tagalog 101 class in Autumn Quarter, so I’ll (hopefully) learn how to say complete sentences instead of just the names of foods, holidays, and Filipino Folk Dances. xD

I learned Spanish throughout my high school career, so I’m okay in that department even though I haven’t practiced speaking/listening/writing in that language recently. I’m still fluent enough to help my sisters with their Spanish homework, so that’s something. :P

I tried learning some French, Japanese, and Korean through various language learning apps, but to no avail.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Can I choose like a little town instead? Big city: the countryside would be MUCH too quiet for me (Plus I’d be much too tempted to run atop every hill Sound of Music style and start singing at the top of my lungs - which would probably annoy a lot of people, myself included. :P).

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: Giles Christophe a.k.a my Midnight Cinderella bias. Ironic, huh? xD <3 Also Jumin Han from MYSME. :P

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: I will hide from the spotlight like I’m a friggin vampire unless there’s a damn good reason for me to be under it.

34. Favorite holiday?: CHRISTMAS!!!

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: If I’m in charge of scheduling something, then I MUST have everything carefully planned. If I’m leaving the scheduling to someone else, then I’ll just go with the flow~.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.): My first trip to Hawaii: I’d love to explore the islands and swim in its oceans again.

37. What hobbies do you have?: Reading, writing, singing, dancing, listening to music, playing the guitar or ukulele, checking social media (JKJK :P), drawing/arts & crafts (If I’m EXTREMELY bored), playing video games, watching TV/YouTube, exploring places both old and new Yeah, I do too many things, haha~

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: “Mildly useful?” (O.o) I guess the ability to learn things VERY quickly - like, master an activity on the first try. I actually have a friend with that ability, which has allowed him to almost effortlessly master almost every sport he’s ever learned: he’s basically a superhuman and I admire and envy him for his “superpower.” :P <3

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: My age: people think that I’m much younger than I actually am, mostly because of my shorter-than-average height and my baby face. I’m basically an adult stuck in a teenager’s body. xD

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: How to apply the Unit Circle to various math problems eff you precalculus and calculus never again ugggghhhhh.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: My broken heart (JKJK, sort of. :P) I got burned by the metal tip of a very hot glue gun. Thanks to that, I have a tiny scar on my upper right arm.

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Does watching playthroughs of horror games through YouTube count?

43. Describe your sense of humor: Clever/witty, sarcastic, sassy. Oftentimes unintentional: jokes will usually come to me naturally through conversation. If we’re close, plenty of embarrassing stories, inside jokes, and horrible puns will be part of our daily doses of humor.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: I’d want to be born in Canada, mostly because I’ve got a lot of family living up there, plus I’d love to live in a place that isn’t completely messed up rn. #SorryNotSorryAmerica *crosses to the Canadian border like a badass*

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: LOL, WHAT’S A SPORT? :b

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: Freshman year of high school. I first moved to my new home that year, so being the new kid sucked for a while, but I eventually made some friends and found more opportunities to grow as a person (through writing and theatre).

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): Ugly tat. At least I’d have a place to hide it. xD

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: Realist. Leaning on the pessimist side. However, I do try to believe that things will get better, that there’ll be more bigger and better opportunities out there, etc. etc.

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: That I’m a hardworking and genuine person. Then again, I don’t do well compliments anyway: I’ll definitely blush and stutter and try to hide behind some kind of an object while complimenting you back. xD <3

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: I’m often quiet and reserved when I’m meeting new people. Some may think I’m naturally calm and composed, others take it as slightly intimidating. But I’m just quiet because I’m awkward, plus I don’t usually start conversations. :b

Tagging: @princessofwysteria, @sukio-sakamaki, @allforthecrown, @o0w0o, @widzzicles, @rizosrojizos, and anyone who wants to do this! (I would’ve tagged more peeps, but I didn’t know if they had been tagged already. So please join in if you haven’t done this already~.). ^-^ <3