#I have soooooo much meta I want to write'

[cellsshapedlikestars]

ok so I don't get involved in fandom drama, but I saw a post that got me thinking about one of my favorite jonsa moments in the books that I feel like is a bit overlooked?

I'm putting it under a cut because my thoughts are scattered and possibly confusing but whatever lol

so I found the post on my for you tab (why do i even go in there?) and it was about how Sansa is super classist for this part: Sansa sighed as she stitched. "Poor Jon," she said. "He gets jealous because he's a bastard."

(Don't worry, the poster did point out that all the Starks are classist to some degree, but Sansa is the most, and how Arya just thinks of him as her brother. gotta love people who try to bury their Sansa hate lol. like there was no other point to the post. it didn't even make me mad cause it was just kind of a dumb, very surface level take that was clearly just meant to point out how Sansa's such a meanie)

now, if you follow me, you probably know that I'm not someone who reads a ton of metas or even believes jonsa will be canon, but if it is, I think this is such an underrated moment.

Because Sansa sees him in a way none of her other siblings do, because she doesn't think of him as her true brother.

Arya thinks of Jon as her brother. For her, she and Jon are the same, but they aren't, and she doesn't see that - because she's 9 years old and for her, Jon is an outsider like her, and that relationship is such a safe space for her. (ugh I actually love the Jon & Arya relationship I really don't get to write it enough because I do tend to focus more on Sansa's relationship with Arya). Anyway, Arya doesn't really understand the implications of Jon being a bastard. Like, that isn't going to change for him, except in a very extreme circumstance. But she will always be trueborn. (we're taking gender out of the equation here, which is its own beast that has been talked about a ton so I won't go into it)

Arya is blinded by her love and adoration of Jon. Robb doesn't see it at all because why would he even consider it? (and even if he did, we don't see it cause there's no Robb POV). Bran and Rickon are probably too young to think about. But Sansa sees Jon for who he is, and what she says is a fact. Is it a nice thing to say? Maybe not, but it is 100% true, and she's clearly emotionally intelligent enough to see his circumstances and understand how that effects his actions.

I think that's why I found the post so funny, cause I'm like - and? Jon IS a jealous bastard. He spends the entire Winterfell feast being soooooo salty about Joffrey and Myrcella and Tommen and even Robb (radiant Sansa gets a pass tho) even though there's literally no other reason for it. He spends the rest of the books trying so hard to suppress how much he wants to be Lord of Winterfell. He loves Robb, but he's jealous of Robb, and he struggles a lot with that and feels guilty for wanting what Robb has.

Anyway, this is one of my fav jonsa foreshadowings (if it ever becomes canon) because to me, it just means that Sansa can see through his bullshit better than a lot of other people. And I like the idea of that, that she sees him.

meanwhile Jon's just over there like "yeah yeah yeah, Sansa's radiant, but have you seen how insipid Myrcella is??"

[leprosycock]

what would you say are *thee* jlud streams. the definition jlud streams. the criterion collection if you will

- name your price + jrma’s hey donna episode double feature [insanely horny, chock full of extremely meta references to the narrative and condition of their relationship and the way they view each other, jrma is needlessly homosexual, they’re very touchy and flirty, “it’s always been me and you babe”, and qt is relentlessly jealous and possessive over lud throughout the entire hey donna episode in a way that she never is on any ordinary stream of hers. this double feature feels like it was written into an indie movie or something because of how tightly and perfectly it’s wound within their narrative and it’s insane]

- beerio kart [shakespearian. words can’t describe the utter yearning, longing, desperation, and desire displayed on screen.]

- juiced [one of the most sexually charged streams they’ve ever done together. tons and tons of physical contact, a ridiculous amount of tension, and a near breaking point that has to be seen to be believed. they choke each other’s own little world out in this stream.]

- dollhouse [you can’t beat the classics. it’s raw. it’s real. it’s the birth of summer love. the intricacies of it and how they both hide it behind layers and layers of fiction as they dance around each other for the very first time is foundational for them and their relationship. never forget that Iudwig stole holly’s choker and wore it for two days of shooting, making it integral to his costume.]

- bro vs bro [they have an insane amount of fun together, j is constantly writhing in embarrassing and the prison of his own self-awareness and insecurity, they play teacher/student, lud is a wrathful sick little freak, j writes fanfiction in his own head about how he was supposed to show up to lud’s house in a milk maid outfit. it’s nonstop thrills]

- chessboxing [AAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA WHAT THE FUCK]

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

- the streamer awards 2022 [this was pretty painful to watch but their interactions were so valuable that it’s necessary to remark upon]

- risk [it’s spread out and pretty underrated but there are some really really good moments in this. jrma is mean and i don’t know why but it’s awesome]

- shufflemania [there is so much bullshit you have to fast forward through but the moments between the two of them are. like. Holy fuck it’s insane. this was during the divorce arc and they clearly wanted each other back so badly]

- the replacement stream [watching this feels like gargling a bucket of thumbtacks but it’s so unbelievably fascinating and it’s exhilarating to watch lud’s jealousy and resentment and possessiveness in action]

- battleship [soooooo cute so so so cute… watching them begin to fall in love with each other makes my heart ache :((((]

- first house flipper tournament [not nearly as insane as a lot of other streams but i go crazy for lud being a jealous crybaby piece of shit and begging for j’s attention and this is like candy in that regard]

[angst-is-love-angst-is-life]

Can you recommend me some good fics where Barry Allen gets kidnapped :) since in one of your tags you said you read a lot of them lol

I read them, I write them, I live and breathe them. Absolutely anon, allow me to dive into my bookmarks.

Just a reminder, always be sure to check the tags and warnings to know what you're getting into. Stay safe out there folks!

Juncture by @pennflinn may be my favorite fic of all time. Technically he gets kidnapped before the story's events but that's because it's an alternate ending to Escape from Earth-2 (and he is held captive for pretty much the entire fic so). The whump is SUPREME and the overall story is so well written. I will always recommend this fic.

One Second by pennflinn. Another one by penn because she is an incredible writer and HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS FIC!! It takes my favorite premise for a fic "What if Barry was kidnapped in this scene/episode when he wasn't in canon!" and brings it to a WHOLE nother level. This one is diverges from 1x14 "Fallout" where, instead of everyone getting away semi-safely, Eiling kidnaps Barry and whump ensures. BUT there's another twist to this fic that (in my opinion) makes it stand out from many others-- every once in a while, there's a glimpse of a parallel universe where the events were different and let's just say some of those universes h u r t. Also, I wanted to kill Eiling so bad after reading this that I wrote a ficlet with the sole purpose of murdering him :) Anyways, go read; it's amazing.

Miles Through The Night by @hedgiwithapen. First off, this is an everyone whump fic, Barry is not the only one who is kidnapped but 1. IT HURTS GODS IT HURTS SO BAD I'M DYING. 2. The writing is spectacular, all the characters are super well done, and the story is INTENSE I'M STILL DYING SORRY I'LL STOP NOW. In this one-- actually nvm, the actual summary will do it justice. "With Eobard Thawne dead, life in Central City can go back to normalish. But Barry’s greatest enemy is not a speedster from the future fixated on him, and Eobard’s threat may have been the only thing keeping Team Flash safe from someone who doesn’t consider any meta to be human." THAT'S RIGHT-- AN EILING FIC! Just. Go read it, it's so good and I'm dying.

Lightning Bug by Hedgi. The writing in this was SUPERB and Eiling is a fucking bastard as always (count your days general.). And this time we have another speedster in the mix-- a toddler Wally! Ngl, I just reread this while getting the link and it was SO GOOD-- and once again my words can't seem to do it justice so I'll leave you with the summary "Months after the defeat of Zoom, Barry's main concern (aside from the odd metahuman attack) is helping Joe and Iris raise the four and a half year old Speedster Wally West, Cisco-named "Lightning Bug." And while that's hard, it's nice to have this speedster as family, not an enemy. Things are pretty easy.

Unfortunately, that doesn't last. After all, General Eiling's deal was only good for as long as their mutual enemies were still a threat." Eiling needs to die in a ditch as you can see, but there's some really sweet whump in this and it's because of him soooooo-- anyways, go read; it was fantastic.

Can’t Take That Away From Me by SophiaCatherine (or @sophiainspace on here). DUDE. DUDE DUDE DUDE-- I LOVE THIS FIC. I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS FIC. EVen once the whump passes, the A N G S T is so delicious! From the beginning of the first chapter alone; you'll see the sweet whump AND angst this fic has in store. Oh, and it's Coldflash which I somehow forgot to mention even though that's a foundation of the entire fic lmao. I love it, go read. Also, there is a sequel but it's not Barry being whumped this time... double also; there's a prequel and it's really sweet (no whump in that one fyi)

I Never Told Him by messedupstargazer. I am SCREAMING. THIS. FIC. Fyi, it's Coldflash. SO MUCH ANGST THE WHUMP-- IT'S SO GOOD I HAVE NO WORDS. DYING DYING DYING I AM DEAD I HAVE PERISHED.

Looking through all of these at once has filled me with many emotions and I apologize if some parts were incoherent. I'm probably missing a few and may add more as I find them but for now I'll finish with these two I wrote.

12 hours Barry's kidnapped before the events of the story but I think it still counts. He's trapped in Zoom's lair and forced to run for twelve hours every day :)

Trophy this is my beloved and the entire fic is a Barry whump fest (and angst. a lot of angst.). (or will be, There's one chapter posted atm) Technically we haven't seen the kidnapping yet but in the first scene he is in a cell so. Premise is that Zoom wins in the season 2 finale and everything goes to hell from there. I do feel obligated to warn though that there's not a happy ending for this one.

Thanks for asking! I'm always eager to share Barry whump! :D

[a-concert-just-for-me]

Aight, fair is fair. We both know you absolutely have SOMETHING you're absolutely DYING to infodump about.

This took me soooooo long to answer because I could not for the life of me think of anything to infodump about that I haven’t yapped about before, surprisingly.

So uhhhhhh instead, maybe I’ll share a couple poetry WIPs?

But first, full disclosure:

Trigger warnings

Unhealthy mindset towards food

Fatphobia

Disordered eating

Religious themes

So do not click the “read more” ahead if these themes bother you! I can absolutely yap about something else of your choosing lmao, just hmu

So! If you’ve continued reading, the inspiration for these works is just a couple of recent events in my life that once again got me thinking about my family and the kinda weird relationship we have with food sometimes. We definitely do not have full-blown eating disorders or anything like that, but we do have a few dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors when it comes to poor body image, weight loss drugs, yo-yo dieting, and binge eating when stressed, that rear their heads from time to time, in my opinion.

So, onto the meta of this all: I really wanted to challenge myself to incorporate some religious themes to act as metaphors for restricting and idolization. I thought it would be a fun way to try something new as an agnostic person who still very much appreciates a well-placed Bible story reference/motif/character archetype in fiction when I see one, haha.

Also, something something, went for an ironic twist of starvation actually equaling gluttony in this (a concept that comically confused my adhd ass fifteen million times while writing because I kept forgetting my own quirky-ass definitions every five seconds lmao)

I also wanted to experiment with capitalization of letters representing divinity, so I did that in my first attempt, but on the second one, I kinda just gave up on doing that, lol. I still liked the part about the mirror though, so I decided not to scrap the work completely).

The version 2 is consequently a little more concise than the first, and they almost convey different vibes to me. I can’t explain it, but I like both. But without further ado, here are the WIPs.

Version 1

Version 2

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

omg since you’re taking off todya from studying can we hear some of your beatle hottakes?

ughhhhhhh sorry, these are so hard to come up with these days

meta take: I sort of wish we could have a genuine conversation about the blurry line between wishful thinking/headcanon and more objective (or, aspiring to be objective) historical analysis – I get the headcanons, I really do! but just in the past year, there's been several instances of people in good faith asking about sources or questioning "fan favourite" anecdotes and being shouted down for "ruining people's fun". If you want to engage with this stuff in a more lighthearted way, that's fine! but accept that that's what you're doing. Being rude to people trying to get to the truth is not a good look. Your imagination can withstand it, I promise.

more people need to jump on the Day Tripper tinhatting train. shit's crazy up here

the more I listen to Double Fantasy the more I'm offended that a certain brand of John fan basically only names songs from 1970/71 as his best. ditto with Walls and Bridges…

Again And Again And Again: best Denny solo-written Wings song ( it's hard to gauge how much is him and how much is Paul for their collabs. Anyways, No Words my beloved)

Sexy Sadie is kind of perfect… The lyrics, the chords, the distorted doo-wop it all embodies that DISAPPOINTMENT so well. The guitar solo is great, the high-pitched oooooooooohs. No notes, underrated song for sure.

the Mind Games album cover is soooooo deranged but so fucking good. That and Ram might be the best post-Beatles album covers.

this isn't exactly a take but the SADDEST part of Hey Jude is when John harmonizes with Paul. I can't not hear all the unspoken pain.

I kind of hope we get versions of Free As A Bird and Real Love with cleaned up John vocals like Now And Then. I don't want to erase those originals because the audio quality tells a story of its own, but Real Love especially suffers so much from it. I listened to it earlier today and nearly got teary. "No need to be alone" kind of gives me goosebumps. There's something so raw and emotional about all three of these songs…

This is almost the opposite of a hottake, but it kind of Doesn't Matter To Me who Now And Then is about. It could be about Paul, it could pretty easily be about Yoko too, and a few people I've seen say they think it's about May, which could be too! It perhaps not being directed at Paul doesn't take away from the song for me, because the song feels bigger than just its direct inspiration.

On that note, I sort of think that sometimes people could stand to.... Die on fewer hills? Like, the notion that Now And Then could be about Yoko doesn't negate John and Paul's relationship or most things people theorize they may have gotten up to. Now And Then Release Week bonus round, cause it's been long enough to talk about it a bit:

Paul (and Ringo and George! they also have a writing credit, guys!) making editorial choices about John's unfinished song with the blessing of his widow is literally fine. "But John might not have approved–" yes, this is how death works. John also might have found the song embarrassing and not wanted it released at all. It wasn't on Double Fantasy after all! Or maybe he would have specifically wanted to remove the same bit! (which I maintain is musically strange and unfitting at worst and at best a still really rough idea that would probably require a lot of work in of itself – echoing the chord progression in the instrumental bit is the best compromise I could imagine)

I actually really get the George girls who were a bit bummed out by the rollout of the song. He DID get the short end in this situation! but… what would have been better? I saw some people say Paul isn't nearly as good a slide guitarist at George. Okay well then… So Paul should've hired a session musician? How does that makes sense? Paul should've asked Dhani to find some random guitar bit George recorded 25 years ago and frankensteined it onto this song? I'm asking this honestly: what should have been done instead? Because… I sort of got the feeling from some of the criticism that the only acceptable solution was to not release this song at all. And TBH I don't think George "getting the short end" is worse than not allowing Paul and Ringo the closure of completing this song. This wasn't perfect but again: yes, this is how death works.

[eddiegettingshot]

okay Im the anon that sent you that ask about shannon and eddie + physical and romantic attraction and like the people that think hes only physically attracted to buck/not attracted to women are crazy. he very clearly finds ana attractive when he first sees her and literally the only thing he knows about marisol and their relationship is that he likes to have sex with her (or at least they have a very active sex life). not to mention eddie and shannon using sex as a distraction from talking about their feelings and place in each others life (eddie did once say sex complicates everything). like could be comphet but idk it just reads to me as clearly he experiences physical attraction to these women and has has good physical relationships with them but has a tendency to confuse that with emotional attraction, which is why "nesting" with shannon was a bad idea both times probably and why he was so confused at the end of their relationship and why "nesting" with ana and marisol isnt working out like he thinks it will. and of course adjacent to this is he might not recognize the connection he has with buck as romantic because it is fundamentally different than the connections he has had with women that he views as people he had a strong romantic connection with. like despite the buddie and eddie/shannon parallels re:what eddie is trying to replicate when it comes to his emotional relationship with shannon, buck and eddie's connection even different than eddie and shannon because when their relationship was too emotionally taxing they both ran away (multiple times) but when eddie tried to run away from the 118 because working there was too much for him buck was there the whole time until eddie let him in. and not to say hes not physically attracted to buck but like attraction to men and women are not always the same and buck literally said in the last episode he thought he was staring at guy's asses for funsies lol. anyways thanks for accidentally indulging me because I would much rather write eddie meta than read shannon spec rn lmao

no this is soooooo right. and also buck saying "i think you mean the first woman you slept with" lol (so out of pocket).

the reason i think it's probably genuine attraction is because i think you could make a pretty strong case that eddie not only confuses the two, but actively (if subconsciously) tries to replicate emotional intimacy using sexual intimacy. he has sex and it feels really good, he feels close to someone, he's enjoying himself, she's enjoying herself... that part is easier for him than talking about anything or being vulnerable, and he likes it enough that he can convince himself that sexual connection and emotional connection are interchangeable.

like, with shannon, he wanted desperately to be emotionally close to her again but things were hard as fuck, so they kept sleeping together instead. and with marisol, he was sleeping with her enthusiastically up until the point where he didn't want to be emotionally close to her anymore; he learned something about her that made him question whether he even wanted her in his life and that was when he stopped wanting to have sex with her. and he very obviously thought ana was hot lol it's kind of undeniable.

not to go against the fanon grain, but i'm pretty sure eddie's issue with "casual" isn't that he doesn't want to fuck people he has no emotional connection with, it's that he wants to fuck first and decides afterwards that that means he must also want the emotional connection (real or imagined) that, in his experience, tends to follow (.....it happened with shannon). and because he's obsessed with finding love that feels like magic, well........... like i can see how sleeping with someone he's super attracted to, combined with his intense emotional repression, has historically made the confusion easy lol

[lewis-winters]

would love to hear more about the skinny/speirs confrontation 👀 (I'm sure other would too so feel free to answer publicly)

Ok I did not actually anticipate ppl being interested HAHAHAH but since ya'll asked nicely (@ep6bastogne and @hellofanidea mWAH to you too), here it is under the cut.

Ok so like. Understandably, people are more focused on Web and Lieb when it comes to the mountain top scene and that's perfectly fine. They're the ones I first thought about too. But then the more I watched that scene, the more I nyoomed in on two details: 1) It is implied that Speirs personally gave the order for Liebgott to go up there and deal with the officer, and 2) Skinny is the one who ends up pulling the trigger.

Which brings me to like. This fic I started planning in my head but couldn't quite write down because I am. Lazy. Anyway, it follows several plot points:

1) This is piggyback riding off my meta that Ron had ulterior motives to sending Liebgott up the mountain, which I have outlined in this post. TL;DR Ron used Lieb's anger (and to some extent, Web's too-- in my head, he heard about the incident with the baker in ep9, and he wanted to exploit that, not anticipating that Web's own self-preservation (of both his own person and morals) would get in the way) to do his dirty work, knowing that he wouldn't be questioned because of his position and because of said anger blindsiding all logic Lieb might have.

2) Skinny somehow knows this. He's more intuitive that people give him credit for. If Ron handpicked Lieb and Web because he knew, at least to some extent, that their anger would push them to do what he wants, then what the hell was Skinny doing there?

3) That question will haunt Skinny for awhile. Because why did Ron know, somehow, that Skinny would pull the trigger when either Lieb or Web could not? What anger and violence did Ron see in Skinny that made him think: "ah, yes, him; that's my killer of killers"? And most importantly, why did Skinny prove him right?

This is very much informed by how irl Skinny's PTSD was very much centered on the people he killed as a soldier (as opposed to people he lost). He's constantly cited in his writings and his letters that he felt unforgivable. So it isn't a massive leap for me to go yeah!! that boy killed an unarmed man (albeit a nazi, but I don't think even that could help him justify this) and then was later present when Web says "war's over, anyone would run" which no doubt would add to his already guilty conscience.

Add all of that together, and you have a recipe for a very traumatized lost boy wondering if maybe he's carrying a monster inside of him, and if maybe Ron could see it.

4) the answer, in the end, is that Ron couldn't see it. This was the dialogue I wrote first, and it has had me by the balls ever since:

"So why me? What did you see in me that was so twisted and cruel that you decided I should be up there, huh? Tell me!"

"... Nothing. I just needed a third man."

5) anyway. Ronald does, finally, admit to having used Lieb and Web to get what he wants. But Skinny doesn't care, because all he hears is that he's collateral damage. And that's not quite as comforting as Ron thinks it is.

soooooo. yeah.

**another plot point I have listed but couldn't really put anywhere in this weird ass list: there's also some cognitive dissonance sprinkled in there-- Skinny could justify Lieb and Web's reactions. He'd say Lieb has the right to do it. He'd also say Web's attempt at perserving himself as wise. it's important to note that Skinny went into this with the mindset that he was already unforgivable from the beginning. this just exacerbated it, but also gave him somebody who could probably answer his questions (i.e. am I really unforgivable? am I rreally a monster? am I a murderer? etc etc).

[fillinforlater]

Hey, I just recently started posting my stories to Tumblr, and I was curious how you find stories (I've seen your Monday of Appreciation posts). I'm just wondering because it seems more difficult to gain traction on this site compared to some of the other ones (easily getting 100s of reads in a short time after updates), but I am probably just doing something wrong. Anonymous ask because I don't want to seem like I'm trying to advertise without permission!

Hm, lemme gather some advice for what I believe is somewhat the meta on how to get into MoA, along with bonus advice for our Tumblr-writing-bubble in general.

MoA-Advice:

1. I try to widen my scope of idols I read about, but I won't lie: IZ*ONE, IVE, as well as other idols I really like are a lot more likely to land on MoA. Basically: write them and you have a bigger chance.

2. Appereance is key. Put interesting information about the fic right at the top, below the title (like e.g. I do) or maybe below the pic/gif. Also: USE PICS, but y'all probably know that. It really helps to kickstart the imagination, even idol X might wear sth different.

You don't have to put in every detail at the start like I do, but hints about length, tags, kinks, other interesting trivia are crucial for me to continue reading.

3. Grammar and spelling don't have to perfect, and your style does not have to be exquisite or utterly brilliant like some of the legend on here, but:

Show variety, use different structures for your sentences and unique words. Repetition can make a fic jarring to read.

Tumblr-Bubble-Advice:

1. If your goal is to be succesful, you should try to get a feel for what is Meta in terms of length, idol and kinks.

Length above 5k and below 10k is in my observation what a lot of readers like. It's not too long to take too much time (to fap or whatever filthy things you naughty ppl are doing), but at the same time it's more than just a scene without substance (meaning there is more than dull, blunt sex, probably).

Meta-Idols... are hard to define. Popular groups should always work, but there is still a difference between Mina/Tzuyu and Jihyo/Jeongyeon, so even in a GOAT gg like Twice you should go for more popular members (if success is your only goal). Other than that, Karina, Yuna, Ahn Yujin are always popular; young, big boobs/butts, idols with mature/sexy concepts in their group (LSFM, (G)I-DLE) are often well received.

Daddy-Kink has been overused, but it never fails soooooo feel free to use that. Any kind of dynamic with power (dom!idols sub!reader as well) can definitely work, really depends on the idol though. Rough, hard sex for "sluts" (confident, sexy idols) and cuddles and kisses for cute idols...

2. This one is obvious: DON'T STEAL WORK/IDEAS! Someone will find them and it's also lame af

3. Ignore everything I said as it is only an observation and subject to change because everything does with time. Write what you want, how you want, when you want. Have fun, otherwise it's not worth it.

(We don't get money on here btw, at least not from notes)

(Also: don't write ua idols. Use your brain.)

[all-inmoderation]

"About the Blogger" Meme

thanks for tagging me <3 @razielim

Star Sign(s): Gemini sun (Libra moon, Libra rising)

Favorite Holidays: Eid, and my birthday hehe

Last Meal: Cereal

Current Favorite Musician: Well, Kendrick Lamar was in my top artists for spotify wrapped this year because I listened to his latest album a lot, so I guess him

Last Music Listened To: First Person Shooter by Drake ft. Jcole lol

Last Movie Watched: omg I watched the movie Nimona and loved it! and before that I was obsessed with Across the Spiderverse for months.

Last TV Show Watched: Just started watching Blue Eye Samurai. its soooooo gooddd. and before that I watched Arcane (i'm late) and I also loved that. and before before that I watched The Bear (wow thats a lot of shows in a short period of time i dont usually even have the stamina to watch shows ngl). Has anyone noticed that Caitlyn Kiramman and Mizu look very similar ? lol

Last Book/Fic Finished: omg THE sydcarmy fic "Fundamentals for the Fun and the Mental" by @bioloyg

Last Book/Fic Abandoned: damn idk, maybe the academic books I have to read for my intro to islam class. those thangs are hefty im not reading more than what is assigned

Currently Reading: Islamic Feminism in Iran by Fereshteh Ahmadi. it's research for my final paper in the intro to islam class. very interesting and enlightening tbh

Last Thing Researched for Art/Writing/Hyperfixation: see above. my topic for the paper looks at how iranian muslim women have reconciled with their religion as it was being used against them pre and post-revolution. there's a lotttt of material out there on the topic. despite what we've been led to believe in western culture, my professor stresses that iran is actually the most secular country in the world. and when you look into the history you can clearly see why that is.

Favorite Online Fandom Memory: meeting my friends during the atla renaissance <3

Favorite Old Fandom You Wish Would Drag You Back In/Have A Resurgence: the atla fandom was/is so obnoxious but in its height in 2020 it was fun seeing a really rich meta appear on the dash for every 5 dumb opinions. everybody was making gifsets and art and fics and it was so much fun. now its slowed down a bit and the only parts of fandom still kind of active are the shippers lol

Favorite Thing You Enjoy That Never Had an Active or Big "Fandom" but You Wish It Did: more like a fandom within a fandom- im glad that the "zukaang" ship stayed pretty niche within the atla fandom. like it wasn't so tiny but we stayed in our own spaces (and rlly won the idgaf war when it came to the hate) and it was just full of mature wonderful people writing THE best meta and fics and just genuinely enjoying the show, which was rare in the fandom (ironically enough)

Tempting Project You're Trying to Rein In/Don't Have Time For: so many. i have so many ideas and fics that cross my mind whenever i watch something new but i never have time for them :(. i started a spiderverse miles x miles42 fic and never got to finish it :(((. maybe after finals 🤞

Tagging: @squippy-lemonwhore @enosimania @thefudge @currymanganese @thinkingisadangerouspastime @catty-words @bioloyg @praetorqueenreyna @lady-tortilla-chip @irresistible-revolution @donkeylauncher @unseemingowl as well as ANYONE ELSE who wants to.

[taniushka12]

tagged by @autisticwriterblog!!! thank you, 🤗🤗💞💞

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

on ao3 just 79! been posting there since 2015 but im a busy bee u_u

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

177103 😌

3. What fandoms do you write for?

The most I've written for in the past decade are Haikyuu -> Wolf359 -> Tma -> Alwake

4. Top five fics by kudos

Antropofagia (147) the one and only jon/martin ive ever written where web!martin eats a guy and then ponders about his humanity w/ his boyfriend

Lipstick Stains (143) Jon/Tim/Sasha fluff ♥

The dance of the spider and the flame (126) web!martin/desolation!tim fluff (pseudo fluff? its fluffy to Me) w/ a side of meta

Ridiculous monster man (118) Jon/Tim angst 😔

Un hombro en el cual dormir (86) Tsukki/Yama fluff ♥

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to! sometimes it takes me a Considerate amount of time but I always leave them unread until I get to do it ;o;

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

sticking to remedy (for this and the next question) id say Clouds of pink and storm, where Alice experiences the final reunion w/ Alan in aw:an but then wakes up, assuming it was merely a dream and that he's still dead ;_;

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hypothermia where Alan gets out of the dark place and can finally sleep in peace surrounded by the people he loves ♥♥♥

8. Do you get hate on fics?

one (1) time in my first tma fic, but I just deleted it and moved on ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (joke on them bc that Is my most popular fic lmfao)

9. Do you write smut?

sometimes. I hate writing it almost as much as I like thinking abt it, which puts me on a difficult position 😔

10. Craziest crossover?

😶 do not have one..

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i translated many of my hq and w359 fics from spanish to english, if that counts!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope! im pretty protective of my stories... although I lowkey wanna try it sometime, making aus and stories with people is Fun ;o;

14. All time favourite ship?

ALL TIME FAVORITE is hard, but as of Right Now its alan/alice/barry and any permutation of those three ♥ i love them ;o;

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

the hannibalesque au... a martin/elias fic that was supposed to be my tma magnus opus, last time i opened it it was pushing 20k and quite literally only needed two scenes to be complete, but also thinking abt tma always puts me on such a sour mood and, while i love the ship, i couldn't care less about elias himself,,, still love the fic but god getting into the mindset to write it is hard to say the least Q_Q

16. What are your writing strengths?

id like to think characterization! and dialogue 🥰

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

larger plot...? thinking around specific scenes i wanna write sometimes gets tedious so i prefer writing snippets of stuff :/ also staying motivated on the thing 😔

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

if done right it can add flavor to the story! but its a hit or miss and when it misses it can be soooooo so bad Q_Q i dont believe you Need beta reads for fics but in this case you Gotta have someone that speaks the language available, and Please dont just translate words at random

19. First fandom you wrote in?

phineas & ferb :') still got some one shots printed somewhere in my room lmao

20. Favorite fic you've written?

oof. hard to say. but I'll go with:

Desperately Safe (tma, peter/salesa) what if a charismatic yet highly paranoid man and the misanthropic heir of the lonely found refuge in each other? and they were both sailors?

Recognition Through Fear (tma, martin/annabelle) in which the resident "spider monster" lady who was formerly arachnophobic shows signs that she never Actually stopped being scared of them, and the resident "fear buffet" guy who hates her guts (yet loves spiders) tries to make her life just a little bit easier by carefully picking the spiders integrated to her skull. a small moment of kindness in an otherwise unkind world u_u

Hypothermia (alwake, alan/alice/barry) you know that one 😉

tagging: @lostinthewoodsomewhere, @wolf-three-fifty-nine, @florallychaotic and @ilkkawhat 🤗

[saturnaftertaste]

talia <3

love her ♡

Sexuality Headcanon: 100% bi . canonically supported by that one joelle jones panel in batman #33, noncanonically supported by the fact i think she should be bi

Gender Headcanon: none.

A ship I have with said character: brutalia but like they’re divorced. TALIANA…(diana x talia)…like they crossed paths and have RIDICULOUS sexual tension…island women…good with swords…

A BROTP I have with said character: talia and selina. i know a lot of people think talia and selina should fuck but i think they should actually just be friends. less of a weird racist meta power dynamic that way

A NOTP I have with said character: talia and jason . nope no way 👎🏽 gross and weird and talia wouldn’t fucking DO that… disgusting

A random headcanon: she doesn’t believe in anyone’s agenda anymore. not her fathers not batman’s no one’s agenda. secretly she’s just sick of all the pointless fighting and dying and just wants to chill in a cabin by the beach with some good heavy books and some nice tea

General Opinion over said character: soooooo much potential . SO much potential what the fuck . and all of it lost to generic racism and lazy writing ! talia is probably one of their most complex female characters given the least amount of exploration or weight and instead used to rehash old shit again and again . she is one of three arab characters in their entire canon and she’s still disregarded despite being a nexus point for so much lore in the batcanon…very disappointing on behalf of dc actually. a year ago i was so viscerally angry about this i actually used it as the topic of an academic essay that would count towards my highschool graduation and i have so much more to say but tl:dr she’s always just a plot device twisted to suit the narrative, never a character given proper storylines or directions and it’s just disappointing .

[damianbugs]

Hey i just wanted to say, as i think I've worked through almost all of your Batman related fics (I've been trying to pace myself ngl) that you have written some of my favorite pieces for these characters. I really, really love the ways in which you work with everyone's characterization, and how you explore the themes throughout the series as a whole.

You have a really wonderful way of filling in small mundane moments that give a lot of life to characters and their relationships as well! The little gentle things, y'know? My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars, the Hues in Our Hair Compliment One Another, and Don't You Cry, Dry Your Eyes, are all gonna stick with me for a very long time. There's soooooo much nuance in how responsibility, care, and love are felt (and conveyed).

When it comes to conflict and difficult conversations, you do an excellent job of showing how distinctly different people can handle and think through these sorts of things. And how this is impacted with narrators and POV! I really like how you communicate the depth of interactions and manage to convey the stuff going on behind the scenes in non-narrating characters heads all the while.

I also like the ways in which you write that reflect how people change over the course of their lives - the one you have that's Jason's notebook esp - and how a point of conflict is multifaceted. And how resolution and mutual understanding takes time and work to develop. Things feel earned!

Plus I've really appreciated seeing your thoughts on the metatextual implications of things as well! It's given me lots to think about. Overall i just wanted to say thank you! You're a wonderful author!

oh. oh i'm totally, entirely normal about this and not at all tearing up. not at all.

thank you so much! genuinely. i am eternally grateful you not only read and enjoy my writing but also that you took the time to write such a wonderful comment on it all. i think, as you've said, this will stick with me for a very long time too. i hope you don't mind if i respond to this in equally as much detail to show how thankful i am.

the works you have pointed out coincidentally happen to be some of my favourite ones to ever write, and i am so glad you've felt that through the story too! there's a lot to be forgotten when it comes to these handful of dynamics, but that fact alone means that there are infinite conversations and situations you can pick apart for them. it's so important to me that this is shown in every aspect of the fic, from dialogue to descriptions, so again, can not explain how happy i am that this translated over into your reading experience.

another thing i always try to do is create a story outside of the story, just for the added bonus of realism and empathy i hope to develop in the characters, and!! i'm so so happy you've caught it!! i do not know how to explain how insanely grateful i am to hear your analysis on these aspects of my fics!! totally not tearing up again.

time is another villain in a lot of these characters stories, and regardless of the time of fic or plot, it is a theme i try to incorporate heavily in my writing. it is often the route cause of conflict, but also the most powerful form of healing, for both readers and characters. change can be something so violent, and when it is deconstructed, i find the edges can be softened into something less unbearable and something that allows a story to be told on its own.

oh the meta!!! the meta!!!! you are so wonderful tumblr user bittershins!!! i am so incredibly attached to these characters and the stories they tell by simply existing, and i am surely unbearable in my efforts to make that clear through my writing. thank you for noticing!!!!

thank YOU. sincerely. this means the world to me. i hope you will continue to enjoy reading my works and any pertaining these characters, and i hope you know this has inflated my ego to incredible heights. i am about to make it everyone elses problem. thank you <3 !!!

[certifiedceraunophile]

For the Would You Ever Write ask, because I want to see your angry/controversial opinions: would you ever write AU/AH? Klaus can't be a criminal. They have to both be normal people. He can't stab or eat anyone. (And if you would write this, what would the set-up be?) Also, because I know the answer, but I want to see you foam at the mouth: would you ever, under any circumstances, write Caroline as meek?

Firs of all. It’s 9 fucking am in the morning and I hope you’re happy that the first thing I did today was curse your cursed name; I went: Jenn. That Fucking Bitch.

But anyway, Here’s the thing: I actually have this one very specific AH/AU where Klaus and Caroline are Not Murder-y. W i l d as shit I know, I’m entirely sure you’re disappointed in me. BUT! it’s like this very very very Niche trope that I will actually K I L L for.

I have an unhealthy like truly unhealthy obsession with football players [not the bs American kind, get the game’s name out of your damn mouth] but Actual football, like I cannot explain it, I was actually texting Kelly a while ago about how Football players are just a separate brand of HOTNESS, And we’ve both come to the conclusion that like it’s definitely some primal response that makes them so attractive to me, and like evolution of all things is the only thing that can explain why I go feral for them lmfao, and also Ted Lasso [a show entirely about a football club] is my favourite fucking show atm so all of that combined, I would literally die and kill for a Football AU with Klaus as a big mean arrogant and  temperamental football captain playing for one of the giants in the premier league and then Caroline comes along and he like trips down the metaphorical stairs of life and falls face first for her when Caroline is like being her usual snarky mostly tactless borderline bitchy sunshine self, basically Caroline is mean to him and Klaus melts. She does not hold back on letting him know what an absolute jerk he is and Klaus is like “well problem is sweetheart, I want to be your jerk” lmao. Like I imagine Enzo is part of the team and is the biggest lil shit and Caroline and Enzo hit it off as besties and Klaus is just F u m i n g in the sidelines and is like constantly growling beneath his breath about how men who are, biologically speaking, more closely related to the domestic canine species than most people should not have the right to breathe in the same air as His Angelic Caroline. 

OH and Caroline is the team’s  sweetheart and hypewomen, I’m thinking she does PR for them, but basically she’s loved by all [as is law] and Klaus really reallly grapples with his cavemen tendencies to just throw her over his shoulder and go around growling Mine. 

aaaaaaand at one point, in the future, Klaus wants his last name in the jersey changed to FORBES lmao if you know what I mean.

So basically yeah this is the only AH/AU I will write myself where Klaus can’t like Kill and have tea parties with the dead bodies, and it is a Sacrifice I am willing to make only for this one AU because the sizzling Hotness of a Football Player™ is just goddamn irresistible GAH.

Like I’ll be honest, excluding the above AU, I think the best I could do AH/AU wise where Klaus can’t be murder-y will still be a Crime AU, like he’ll have to At Least be a Pretentious Brilliant Thief or Conman or some sort of criminal who maybe doesnt kill but like he HAS to be a Bad Guy™, I mean I can’t possibly imagine myself writing an AU where he isnt criminally fucking shit up as is his calling on Earth.

THAT BEING SAID I LOVE READING HUMAN AU’S WHERE HE’S LIKE NORMAL AND NOT MURDER-Y AND AM GRANDLY ENETRATINED BY THEM, IT’S JUST THAT I  DONT HAVE THE TALENT TO WRITE THEM MYSELF AND ALSO MAKE EM INTERESTING BECAUSE MY INTERESTS AND TALENTS LIE IN MAKING HIM AS LOVABLY DEPLORABLE AS POSSIBLE.

And now as for meek Caroline.  putting this under a cut cuz this shit gets violent.

You’re such a Bitch.

OHMYGOD do you *want* me to go off? do you want me to sit here and yell about all the different torture techniques I will sit through before writing three words that may or may not compound to portray Caroline as this Person who is like Pure [gag] sweet [gag] Do No Bad [gag] and will take all the categorically terrible shit thrown her way cuz that is Grace™, because Lemme tell you I’d rather fling myself into the sun or choke on petroleum before doing that. 

ALSO BEFORE EMBARKING ON THIS RANT I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THESE ARE JUST *MY* OPINIONS THESE ARE BY NO MEANS THE TRUTH OR THE ONLY VALID SET OF OPINIONS; I DONT CLAIM THEM TO BE SO, SO PLEASE DONT ASSUME THIS IS AN ATTACK ON ANYONE WHO HAS A DIFFERENT SET OF OPINIONS WHICH WILL ALWAYS BE JUST AS VALID AS MINE.

Now with that out of they way:

If you write Caroline in a naturally violent/ high stakes/ Dangerous AU where Caroline herself is understandably allowed to be violent, and her immediate response to being wronged isnt Fire and Fury and Vengeance in a stunningly calculated and shrewd fashion, honey sorry to say you’re doing it wrong. Like if Caroline is wronged by Anyone, she will pay them back in kind and she will Not be holding back her punches. 

Caroline takes no shit, from anyone but like least of all from Klaus, and if he fucks up even just once (1) there is no going back Until Caroline has exhausted every last drop of Anger in her. 

Like I simply don’t get how a Caroline who is meek and forgiving and accepting of other people’s wrongs against her can exist? LIKE SHE’S A WHOLEASS BITCH IF YOU HAVENT NOTICED AND SHE’S GONNA TURN AROUND AND FUCK SHIT UP FOR YOU. I cannot understand how Caroline can be written as someone who just conveniently rolls over and takes shit? I mean omg any response to being severely wronged that isnt an immediate thirst for blood, or at the very least, ANGER within Caroline is, as viewed by me, pathetic. Like I’ve read soo many fics [was even forced to read one against my will so my saltiness to an extent, regarding this subject, is valid] where Caroline is supposedly this pure Good Girl™ person who can do no wrong and take no revenge, because vengeance and anger is not only beneath her but reacting violently [aka appropriately] to her being Grossly Wronged would somehow taint the ✨light✨ in her, and now folks We Do Not Want That, because HOW IMPORTANT IS A WOMEN’S LIGHT!!! You gotta be pure Saintly white in all your doings to be able to shine like an LED bulb!!! which btw is a super valid goal you can have!!! Because somehow when Rihanna said “Shine Bright like a Diamond” in the fine print under the Terms and Conditions section it was Clearly stated: Only applicable if a terribly wronged women denounces murder, revenge, vengeance, anger, blood thirst and everything else fun and happy that makes life worth living in the name of Retaining her ~~purity~~ 

 LIKE HONEY STFU AND LET SOME HEADS ROLL. 

Like a Meek Caroline can be written a hundred different ways and all those hundred different ways infuriate me like hell but there are two instances that make me violently froth at the mouth:

One is when people are out here writing Caroline being wronged so G R A V E L Y by Klaus and her response to this is somehow: He’s a Dark Man, I’ve known this All along especially before letting him make Me the final resting place for his dick! so honestly speaking W h o ‘s fault is it?? like omg I wanna bite and chew paper when I see bs like this.

And the other is when it isnt Klaus wronging her and someone else being a bitch I’ve seen ff’s do something Even Worse and get Caroline to outsource the revenge taking part of business to Klaus LIKE TF DOES KLAUS LOOK LIKE, an Indian?? [listen I’m allowed these racist jokes bc I’m Indian] Like BABE NO put that knife back in Caroline’s hands let her stab who ever she wants herself! 

And also the idea of Caroline being generally meek, regardless of being wronged, is like huh??? to me, no like seriously did we watch the same show??? this girl literally Bullies Klaus and Klaus melts for her, that is like their whole dynamic, she’s mean as shit to the BIG BAD VIOLENT ALMOST GODLY POWERFUL WOLF and he’s like That One....that’s the Woman I want to spend the rest of eternity with. There isnt even One (1) Canon scene where Caroline lets Klaus get away with his BS, each time every time she holds him accountable and let’s him know what a bitch he is, AND KLAUS LOVES THAT [well not exactly but that’s one of the things that makes Caroline so irresistible to him], So honestly w h o are you doing favours by writing Caroline as someone who just looks at Klaus being a Giant Jerk and goes, it’s ok baby I understand :))))))

But also Caroline in general is a sassy bitch through out the show, like forget Klaus, just by herself she’s mean and catty much like Rebekah or Katherine, Sure she is an adorable sunshine baby who is kind and loving to the people she cares about, is loyal with the strength of the Himalayas and takes it upon herself to pour her love without any restraint over anyone she decides to commit to either platonically or romantically, but like this why we have multifaceted female characters who are bitches while being good lovable people too man. Like honestly fics where Klaus falls for Caroline bc she’s characterized as pure and good and kind or whatever 2-D bullshit makes no sense to me. 

ok so I’ve rambled on a lot but tldr: IF CAROLINE AINT OUT HERE GRABBING MEN BY THE BALLS AND TWISTING THEM LIKE DOORKNOBS FOR BEING JERKS as brought to you by Wherewith to Sate It’s Malice by Jenn RIGHT FROM THE GET-GO [Like I remember Caroline doing that to Klaus during their meet cute lmao because he barged in to her place and was being his usual arrogant dick self] THEN I DON’T WANT IT. 

lmao But also if making Caroline forgiving and small is your thing, you do you babe, just make sure to tag it as Caroline is Everyone’s Lil Bitch on ao3 so I can stay tf away from it.

but ok ok all jokes aside, please if I offended anyone with this post and if some author reads this and thinks it’s directed at them please know it isnt, [it most definitely isnt like I assure you] it’s just me airing my opinions that are as valid as ones that are directly opposite to mine, regarding the subject, and I mean no harm by this post. so please dont be mad lmao.

[i-am-perryshmirtzed]

Perryshmirtz VS. Pandashrine

I find the reversal of what Perry and Heinz want from each other and what Peter and Mystery want from each other quite amusing. I’ve got this headcanon that Perry never stopped to listen to Heinz’s rants and backstories and that that summer was when he actually decided to see what that absolute lunatic O.W.C.A. was making him waste his talents on had to say. And then, we all know what happened. He started to understand what made Heinz tick, what made him do the things he did, and he started to empathize with him. Peter desperately wants something from his nemesis- he’s getting bored of the mystery, so to speak, the enigma the man shrouds himself with. He wants to get closer, but Mystery is scared to let anyone see who he really is. That’s what drove Peter to Heinz- with him he had someone who was fun to fight and someone he could understand. Peter liked listening to Heinz’s schemes and monologues, and while he didn’t like his singing, he kept seeing Heinz, he was so desperate for good company. Perry wanted to keep his walls firmly up; Peter didn’t want his nemesis to do so.

[writing-for-life]

This is exactly it. The presumptions are preposterous in both directions:

a) Those of us who create (whether that’s art or fics or metas or gifs or what-have-you) are doing it anyway. But I said this many times in different contexts, and I’m not going to shut up about it: Art is not a one-way-street, despite the strong impulse (sometimes even compulsion) to create. Art is communication, it’s dialogue. It needs a creator and an audience. Because through that audience, it comes truly alive. If there is no one to perceive it, if there is no one touched by it, it’s pointless. Because through art, we share our humanity.

What is any kind of storytelling if someone talks but no one listens?

It’s not about attention. Again, it’s about shared humanity.

And how do some people not get that? I can tell you why: Because they were never either the creator who got completely ignored or the audience who wished to see themselves in art, but failed to do so.

And to brush that aside as petty entitlement shows how little some people understand art, other than seeing it as a fix they regularly find on their plate because their taste aligns with the majority. That’s why they call it “content” (🤮). Or, more specifically, what it means to be an artist whose vision does not matter to anyone. And to tell them, “Aw, tough luck but good luck,” is a bit cold to be frank, but it doesn’t surprise me. It’s that old spiel about individualism vs community again.

b) Not everyone in fandom writes, draws or creates otherwise. And even amongst those that do, output is vastly different. It shouldn’t be a requirement to “be a part of it” to crank out a fic chapter or one-shot every week, or to do reader requests. Possibly even for a ship you’re not even that invested in, just so you can be part of the community.

No one gets forced to like what they’re not into, but supporting all corners of fandom, to occasionally share stuff that doesn’t get that much exposure by default, or at least engage in some way, surely can’t be that painful? It’s okay different corners of fandom with different interests exist, no one wants to change that. But do they all have to be islands, and do we really have to be that exclusionary? And people who say, “Fandom is so soooooo inclusive, you’re making that up”? Again, I can only assume their tastes and preferences have always aligned fairly well with the majority, otherwise they quite frankly wouldn’t make that statement.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my small bubble and I do my thing, and I love doing it, but I also see (and personally feel) the problems, and simply pretending they’re not a thing is… I don’t even know what to call it anymore…

When the standard response to any critical thought is always, ALWAYS, “Write your own stuff then!”

Me:

Also me:

[nonpracticinghumanbeing]

A Fellow Masochist's Perspective on Izzy

(I wasn’t going to write about Izzy anymore. But then of course I did, because I’m me. We just gotta do what we gotta do. FUCK.)

[This is like half meta about my views on Izzy as a masochist and half my attempt to explain why him being shown the way he is is so important to me on a personal level. I just can’t separate these two issues even though I know I’m getting way too emotional over this. I guess there’s not a lot of people who would be a target audience for this, but I need to get it out of my system.]

Soooooo... So. So so so so. I made this comment on Facebook about how Izzy being a sad little masochistic boy gave me feelings no other fandom has been able to give me in about a decade. Which was a joke, of course, we all laugh at Izzy’s pain kink. Ha ha. But then I realized it’s also very much not a joke. Because I can indeed remember the last time I felt like this and it was when I first watched Lawrence of Arabia. And that movie turns SIXTY this year.

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Let’s be clear. Izzy IS a masochist, plain and simple. I’ve already written about how I think he’s more into power play than pain itself, but then I do realize how often these seem too similar to be simply labeled as one or the other. These things are way too complex to be simply analyzed and quantified as often pain becomes a tool of power. And I don’t necessarily mean “power” as in a relationship between two people, it may also mean (and often does) power over one’s own body, and in a larger perspective, one’s life.

In episode 3 there’s this scene with Izzy back on the ship, giving Blackbeard a report on Stede. He comes into Edward’s cabin and tells him how Stede isn’t interested in meeting. And while doing that, he burns his hand on a candle. Edward has his back to him, so he’s probably unaware that Izzy is even doing it. So he’s not doing it for Ed (I’ve written about the power exchange dynamics between them here), he’s doing it for himself. Is he punishing himself for lying to Edward (’cause he didn’t tell Stede he was working for Blackbeard because he didn't want them to meet)? Is it a way of proving to himself that he’s strong - unlike Stede - and therefore worthy of Edward’s attention? Does he even know why he’s doing it? I really don’t think he does, I think it might be something that he just does instinctivenly and without any deeper thought (especially seeing that he does the same thing in episode 7 while talking to Spanish Jackie and accounting for the fact that he’s not the type of person to analyze his feelings in general). And I absolutely adore it to bits.

It’s shown from a few different angles, so we’re being made aware that it’s important. But at the same time he’s talking to Ed about Stede, like him doing it wasn’t all THAT important. Like it’s just a thing that he happens to do while carrying on with his responsibilities as Blackbeard’s second-in-command. And yet the camera shows him burning his hand with nothing else happening visually. It goes on for about ten seconds, which is A LOT when it comes to movie editing. They’re coding it as something that is BOTH a crucial part of his identity AND just one of his many traits. (And it’s not just here that they’ve done this, the scene when Ed cuts off his toe with Avalanche playing in the background with its lyrics about conquering pain is just pure damn genius.) And honestly, when did that ever happen before?

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Now, I know there’s been a considerable and overall very positive move to normalize BDSM lifestyle and practices. (And I’m certainly NOT talking about the horrible abusive garbage like 50 Shades of Grey or 365 Days.) But it always seems to go one of two ways, neither of which makes me feel the way OFMD makes me feel.

So, on one hand we have the media meant to educate vanilla peope about the issue, while at the same time trying to build their capital on being somewhat naughty, with Netflix’s Bonding being the prime example. I’ll be the first person to say that the show was important in disspelling a number of popular misconceptions and trying to broker some deeper understanding between kinksters and the rest of the populace. Hell, I LOVED the talk about trust and boundaries Tiff is given by her boss in the second season. But its characters - those who are truly into the lifestyle and not just in it for the money - don’t really come off as fully fleshed characters. They are mostly just Tiff’s clients and are often characterised solely by their kinks. And that makes it impossible to relate to them.

Then we get the shows with well rounded characters who just happen to be more or less tangentially connected to BDSM, for whatever reason. Irene Adler being a dominatrix on BBC's Sherlock. Kat doing the video dominatrix stuff in the first season of Euphoria. Joanna and Tyrell doing bondage on Mr. Robot. That whole fake-kidnapping-actual-s&m-roleplay thing on Cucumber. It happens more and more which is great. But it never really felt all that important to who any of these characters really are. It’s usually about money or just a simple way of quickly allievating boredom in the bedroom (which are both totally valid, to each their own, it just doesn’t feel like it’s something that is crucial to the core identity of any of these characters). Or worst of all, it’s just an embarrasing eccentricity intended as a pun. So of course I can’t really relate to any of it, even if I do appreciate it being shown in mainstream media at all.

If hard pressed for an answer about any representation I found compelling, I’d have to say that Transparent hit the closest to home with Sarah’s experiments with BDSM, but even that felt more like a three-episode-long subplot rather than an attempt to really make it an integral part of her character. And then I’m given Izzy. Izzy for whom his masochistic tendencies seem so deeply ingrained that they are crucial to who he is. And yet he isn’t at all reduced to being just the sad little masochistic boy, because there’s also so much more to him. No wonder I’m so drawn to him, because the only other piece of mainstream media that made me feel so seen is sixty years old. 

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I’m not at all saying that what Izzy is doing is in any way healthy. His relationship with Edward - the only meaningful relationship in his life - is very toxic and right out mutually abusive. He’s so fixated on the balance of power which makes him feel safe that he’s willing to suffer a great deal to keep that balance - and willing to hurt Edward as well, even though he’s the closest thing to a friend Izzy has. A point has been made (here) about how he feels that he only deserves physical closeness when it’s justified by his own defeat. He clearly craves submission and yet he has to be forced into it - and I don't mean "forced" in a fun, playful, BDSM-like way, I mean he literally needs things to be done to him without his consent. He doesn’t just need pain (which is fine), he needs abuse (which most definitely isn’t). Because Edward making this decision for him means he doesn't have to acknowledge this need. Because acknowledging that he wants to submit to another man would shatter his self-image and make him feel weak, which he can't afford. None of this is healthy.

But. Let's imagine for a moment that he was to learn to let his guard down and let go of the toxic masculinity he's so dedicated to - which would also very much help him stop seeing his need for submission as shameful (because it's toxic masculinity, with its inherent homophobia, that tells him that no real man would be willing to submit to another). I’m not saying that it’s going to happen, I’m not even sure if I want it to happen. But let’s just imagine it. That wouldn't stop him being a masochist. These needs don't just go away, but you can learn to fulfill them in a safe and healthy (both physically and mentally) way. To find a healthy outlet for them. The feeling OFMD gives me is that everybody around Izzy would be 100% fine with him being like that. And THAT feeling is so very difficult to come by.

Why exactly does the Kraken cut off Izzy’s toe? Sure, it’s a punishment for threatening him and being disrespectful in general, Edward is full of rage and acting out. But I don’t believe he would necessarily do that if Izzy wasn’t the way he is. Blackbeard recognizes that in order to trust him again, Izzy NEEDS that punishment. It is fucked up for sure, because their whole relationship is fucked up, but there IS the act of recognition that this man needs pain (and humiliation of being made to eat the toe) to feel safe in the world. Edward ACKNOWLEDGES that Izzy needs this even though Izzy himself isn’t capable of acknowledging it. What Ed is doing here is that in his own twisted fucked up way he is actually showing respect for who Izzy is. (Then there is the confrontation between Jim and Spanish Jackie’s husband. Jim spits him in the face and he quite matter-of-factly tells them that he’s into that. And everyone around just accepts that, and I didn’t get any feeling that they judged him for that in any way.)

What OFMD was able to do that no other TV show has done for me before is to create a safe space for pretty much everyone (I do get the criticism of it glossing over the implications of Stede being a slave owner, but that’s quite a different conversation). We get multiple queer couples on the show, we get a non-binary representation, we get a huge and diverse POC representation, we get a wonderful discussion of toxic masculinity and a brilliant deconstruction of the stereotypical top/bottom dynamics in gay couples (in the fencing lesson scene, with Edward being the more experienced one and still being the one who gets penetrated by the virgin Stede). And for the first time in oh-so-many years (or maybe ever?) we get a world where I feel being an out masochist would be fully accepted by everyone and yet it wouldn't get you reduced to just this one aspect of your identity in their eyes. 

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As someone whose policy has always been total openness, over the years I’ve had people approach me and ask what the appeal was. Why did I enjoy getting hurt. And I really DO get the curiosity, because it’s very counter-intuitive for most people. It’s just that it’s so hard to explain it to someone who isn’t like that. Either you feel this way or you don’t, and if you don’t, understanding may be quite difficult.

So I’ve always used one of two things to try to explain how I feel about it: Bob Flanagan’s poem Why? or the opening scene from Lawrence of Arabia (the trick, William Potter, is NOT MINDING that it hurts), because these were the only pieces of media I could truly relate to. But then, one of these is just a short poem by a man who’s best known for being that guy from the music video for Happiness in Slavery by Nine Inch Nails, so it’s hardly mainstream media. And the other is a sixty-year-old movie - based on a ninetysomething-year-old book - which is deeply problematic in more than one way (from glossing over just how dishonest Lawrence was with the Arabs concerning their chances for actual independence to Alec Guinness playing an Arab prince which is just totally off-putting).

And then I’m given Izzy. Yes, he is a horrible and toxic man who’s both abusive towards everyone around him and dealing with his own needs in an extremely unealthy way that borders on being self-destructive. BUT. He’s being acknowledged for what he is, both by the characters within the show and the creators who make sure the viewers won’t miss it. And yet he’s not just that, he’s his own person, with his own motivations and feelings that go way beyond his proclivities. AND he exists in a world where him being like that would most probably be completely fine with people around him. No wonder I’m losing my mind over it. Because I was given a piece of modern mainstream media that makes me feel more seen and more validated than I even thought possible. And it’s a feeling I will treasure FOREVER.