#I have sexuality ocd
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OCD is so funny bc it can be different each day and also centered on so so many things
I have horrible intrusive thoughts
& contamination ocd & washing my hands dozens of times & like today changing socks multiple times if my brain decides they touched one ‘gross’ thing on the floor
& it’s so centered around everything being connected & sensory issues & thinking “I can’t do that until after this” until I’m not doing anything at all
& being super avoidant bc my mental illness is so exhausting & I can’t do things I haven’t prepared for & I have to be able to go over & over info or plans,,
if I have a certain type of dr appointment or unpleasant thing like a job interview,, I try to plan all the details of how it will go & I get stressed bc I feel weak for not being able to know for sure how it will be or the experience itself bc it hasn’t happened yet
ocd is in everything i do & think now
#I have scrupulosity ocd#I have contamination ocd#I have sexuality ocd#I have suicidal ocd#some people only have one theme their ocd latches onto I think#but mine is like. almost any topic#I’ll have where I’m not able to make sure if I shut the door before leaving/shut the oven off etc#& I’ll have where I wait to see if people think I’m ‘bad’ or *cursed* or *repulsive/revolting*#& then I have where sometimes I clean or organize or feel like I have to hide things#bc I instinctually feel like someone like a family member is judging/mad at me and idk#sometimes I can be so convinced that smth horrible is going to happen#& I used to walk home from work at 1:30-2am & I’d be so convinced there were zombies or other things that might come out & kill me#not actually kill ig or at least I had to deal with the fact that it could happen but felt safe if I just kept going#but yeah I think my thoughts race so fast so I connect so many dots & vivid realistic images of fears that it almost becomes real#like I can feel & picture fictional things to a disturbing degree sometimes#& sometimes my racing thoughts won’t let me choose even a daydream or make a choice bc it keeps picturing & wanting everything all at once#so my brain fixates and fixates and repeats and repeats and won’t let go or calm down from anything
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Happy pride month to everyone who’s labels blend together, who doesn’t quite know what they are.
Happy pride month to everyone who’s queer identities are influenced by their neurology.
Happy pride month to everyone who has a hard time figuring out if their identities are influenced by their neurology
Happy pride month to people who are questioning.
Happy pride to people with personality disorders that effect the way they see the world and the labels they choose.
Happy pride month to everyone with orientation based intrusive thoughts.
Happy pride month to people who’s labels ‘don’t make sense’. Happy pride month to people with “contradictory labels”.
Happy pride month to everyone who’s told their label doesn’t exist, or is too niche. Happy pride month to everyone who’s told the way they live contradicts their identity.
Happy pride month to people who’d rather call themselves queer than explain themselves. Happy pride month to people who like to be understood and explain their identities.
Happy pride month to everyone who can’t find something that fits yet.
Happy pride month to the autistic queers who’s identities and autism are intertwined.
Happy pride month to everyone, whether you know the words that fit who you are yet, or whether you don’t want any. Happy pride month, ily <3
#happy pride 🌈#from an autistic queer who still doesn’t quite get the difference between friends and romantic relationships#but is trying their best!#aromantic#questioning#is so hard#but especially during pride month it can feel isolating but ily#idk if anyone will see this but I wanted to send these vibes into the world <3#pride month#queer#asexual#actually autistic#actually ocd#aroace#unlabeled#voidgender#non binary#a side note if anyone with sexuality ocd does see this#and just in general you’re allowed to exist label or not#you are not lying to anyone or yourself if your label ever changes#and you don’t have to know everything#you can do whatever you want all the time
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my experience with gender and sexuality is that i have been everything and have been everywhere but i end up on the default settings every. single. time. it's okay i think everybody should explore their gender but DAMN all that for default settings. is funny
#lily.txt#yeeeeah cis girl. yes i am one and like#i am bisexual but i have a huuuge lean towards men#to a point i've thought i was faking it and was actually straight (? ocd things.)#and it's like. i like girls but its difficult#i dont even think abt sexuality anymore bc i got a man and i dont mind that rn but#its a funny thought
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"i rearranged all my books in alphabetical order, I'm sooooo OCD hehe" i will personally gut you and rearrange your organs and not in a sexual way.
#oh how i wish that this people actually got ocd and lived with it even just for a day#i have personally never felt the urge to rearrange my books.#i convinced myself that i must've sexually assaulted someone throughout my life without realsiing even though i never touched them#or that i committed voluntary murder when i wasnt in myself and somehow got away with it#ocd makes me go up and down 5 floors 2-3 times a morning to check if i really flushed the toilet and turned off the gas and locked the door#or that i actually ran over a billion people with my car and never realised it because i was distracted#or that i fed my guests poison. or that i fed myself poison. or that i accidentally used bleach as shampoo. or dishsoap as toothpaste. etc#this. this is ocd. it has nothing to do with rearranging books or combing your hair a certain way.#ocd
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this might be a hot take... but if you care about disavowing media made by bad people out of fear of looking like a bad person yourself more than you care about actually doing good things... you might have your priorities (and your morals) screwed up a bit :/
(see my tags for more of my thoughts on this topic! please try to avoid making make bad-faith assumptions about what i mean!)
#melonposting#there is a good case for not wanting to associate with something on account of the creator being harmful. sure whatever#but people have talked at length about the sort of moral ocd that it promotes when that idea is fervently preached and enforced#i don't know about you but i think there's a big difference between#a) not wanting people to associate with something because the media itself spouts harmful rhetoric#and because its bigoted creator both benefits from people engaging with the books and is idolized by many of the books' fans#and b) not wanting people to vocally enjoy ANYTHING made by ANYONE who's held any harmful ideology at any point#because doing so 'inherently' supports and spreads those harmful ideologies#it's true that you cannot separate the art from the artist#but good people can make bad art and bad people can make good art. artistic talent is not inherently correlated with the artist's morals#the goodness/badness of a person CAN seep into the art they make. and it often does. and that can affect one's enjoyment of it#but even then there's nuance to be had on how to deal with it#like my hero academia for example. when i started watching it in middle school i didn't know how misogynistic it would be#of course i ended up seeing it in the show (and god it's so misogynistic)#and i ended up learning that the 'joke' sexual-harasser character is a self-insert for the creator#which of course i could never get behind. the creator is undeniably a horrible guy#at the same time though the show means a lot to me and i've gained a lot from watching it#i won't elaborate here on how but believe me it isn't superficial. if you want to ask me about it i'd be happy to share#i can hold both in my mind. the disgust and the enjoyment. i don't think those have to be mutually exclusive#of course not everyone is like that; you could immediately stop liking the show on discovering the gross stuff. and that's your prerogative#i don't know... i agree with the values behind avoiding media made by people known to have moral failings#and in some cases (like harry potter and jkr) i fully endorse the values and the practice. but such cases are very specific#but in most cases i fear the practice is misguided and unnuanced and ultimately unhelpful in fulfilling one's values#it is largely a philosophical matter: about how an individual regards their moral standing in the context of themselves and other people#which is important to discuss - especially in our globalized internet age! speaking of which feel free to disagree with me#if you want to have a civil discussion i'm more than open to it#but no matter how important this matter... there are way more important ones in the world. especially right now#calling out people who watch a youtuber who said something bigoted 5 years ago does little to stop that bigotry overall#just have good morals and practice them! support oppressed people! be thoughtful and understanding and compassionate!#callouts and dni lists rarely make for impactful advocacy!!!
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ive said it before and i’ll say it again genuine sam haters WILL never understand a warriors bond
#you could never understand the relationship i forged with sam winchester as an ocd tinged younger sibling of fucked up gender and sexuality.#AT age 12. or 13. whatever#and thats okay….not everyone can be enlightened….#i still cant get over having to defend him to my irl. mortifying but necessary#kora.txt#this is not a vague its just that everyone needs to know i am never ever gonna stop being annoying about him. blinks sweetly#she sent me another sam post so im just thinking about it.
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I don't think I've ever explained this to anyone but I'm not unlabeled because i can't find a lable that fits me, I'm unlabeled because I genuinely don't give a fuck. I like who ever I like and I don't need to think about it more than that
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I think everyone who told me I wasn't actually ace, I'm too young to know, or kept trying to get me to hide it when I was younger owes me $100000000 and my therapy bills
#sky vents like amogus#would i have 'analyze your sexuality to death' ocd if it wasnt for these people? probably not!#being aro is easy for my brain to accept and that took me like. 20 years to figure out?#i figured out i was at least acespec when i was 15 and figured out ace when i was 16 but no thats not good enough!#'what if youre not' IT HAS BEEN 22 YEARS AND THERE WAS ONE (1) PERSON YOU MAY HAVE BEEN ROMANTICALLY AND SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO#AND YOU QUICKLY LOST FEELINGS FOR HER WHEN SHE STOPPED TALKING TO YOU. CAN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!#worst part is im scared of talking about this in therapy because i have no idea how he thinks about aroness and aceness! fucking hell world!
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How do I become the right level of sexual to be loved and adored in my own community?
#i feel like i'm appropriating all kinds of things as a MONO STRAIGHT-GUY-FUCKING TGUY FORMER BIHET WOMAN#....or so says my brain#which has ocd#my obsessive thought patterns are basically entirely about leftist morality and sex and sexuality (kink vs no kink mono vs poly etc)#since i was able to afford to live alone and not be constantly consumed by kitchen and hygeine related triggers#it's an overall win i think as i can somewhat address the stuff i have going on now by thinking it over and writing about it#plus being able to afford a lack of stress is a wonderful thing#but omg it feels lonely having these weird hangups that simply don't belong#in an online world obsessed with black and white morality#and yes i have an offline life but many people i befriended have a very 'online' mindset with regards to their thoughts on morality#and i notice it more and more#if you relate to any of the above please message me i'd love to hear from you
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experiencing my bimonthly (every two months) morality spiral of "it's bad that i like men, why am i not as attracted to women, i must be a misogynist if I personally am not as often attracted to women as i am men"
i would say i need to go touch grass to get over it but unfortunately I do that at least once a day and it does not seem to help 😔 (this second paragraph is half joke)
#the ocd is OCD'ing !!!!!! get me OUTTA here !!!!#what actually would help is getting out and being around real life ppl more but. i am so tired fsdjkl that is so difficult#also i am afraid bc my immune system is so fucked up and i really cannot afford physically or mentally to get sick#if i was a man or man-adjacent i wouldn't feel bad about being attracted to men i think#bc then i'd ''at least be gay''#but when i am nonbinary and transneutral then i feel like everyone is just going to see me as girl-lite in a straight relationship#and if i am not attracted to women then surely i MUST be a misogynist! because women are wonderful so why am i not as attracted to them!#its funny bc we have a lesbian in the system and also a gay man and then a few other ppl across the span of sexualities#and im just over here being the only one having mental breakdowns about my sexuality HFDSJGKL#everyone else is like. it literally does not matter the way u seem to think it does. ur fine. wtf are u on about.#and im over here spiralling out into crying breakdowns bc i convince myself i must be a terrible person for not being as attracted to women#i need to figure out how to stop going through this spiral every couple of months bc it is exhausting and so so so stupid oh my god#vent //#dandy.cmd
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Can proshitters stay out of OCD tags please???? Holy shit
I'm trying to figure out if I actually might have this disorder myself because I'm showing symptoms and they're only worsening. Stop bitching about how it's actually okay to read like smut fanfics about kids or some shit IN THE FUCKING OCD TAGS. This isn't the place for that you dense morons. How about you die.
#deezy rambles#tw csa mention#ask to tag#this shit feels like indoctrination#like “oh if you have ocd you'll only feel safe with us!! the guys who SEXUALIZE KIDS''#blocking people isnt enough i need to write their names in a death note
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umhhh I may (??) have bpd 😍✨
tune in for the latest in op's growing collection of mental illnesses next month, on an all-new episode of
disorder hoarder
#shitpost#not rats but worth sharing#there's a chance I got ocd too#who knows bro ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#I'm just to sexie to also be healthy 😍 I'd be unstoppable and overpopulate if I was THAT good#/J#too*#edit: mmm it doesn't seem I check many boxes but#severe rejection sensitivity (especially resulting in abrupt withdrawal)#and the ''favorite person'' phenomenon (minus the ''devaluation'' side)#resonate reeeeal hard in me#I guess it's true I don't tend to fluctuate toward like inexplicable revulsion toward anybody#and I USED to be a lot more emotionally volatile than I am now. and I can still get that way with whoever is my '''fp'''#but the emotions are always super good-feeling ones or super sorrowful/guilty/self-deprecating ones#not anything ):< toward them#and i struggle with codependency.#recently it's come to my attention that i cannot distinguish between it and romantic (+sexual??) attraction#like the ''fp'' thing. i have always assumed this was romantic attraction but. now i know/think it isn't inherently that#I don't know#:/#):
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being trans with ocd is so fucking exhausting dude
#slash sexuality questioning i suppose#slash uestioning in general i suppose#i’ve been half in half out of every label i’ve used for like a year and a half which is very un slay#anyway i told you guys my middle name slaps did i not. and well my indecisive ass is considering making it my first name#one day i will look back on all the gender stuff i did and be glad i did it and/or ill be like this man needed to get rawed#i’m also in like closet purgatory where i’m out as QUEER to p much everyone but what type of queer varies#which may??? be fucking up my mindset in regards to all of this??? having like 3 different normals in kind of an accidental way#thinking and talking about it is exhausting but i probably should lol lmao#the name slaps though. unrelated but i am happy about that#im taking a very long time to decide on a name bc there are a bunch ive cycled through like a BUNCH and i do want to try them all#part of me is like ill only ever start to have more of a handle on this if either i start transitioning and/or live alone at some point#it will stay like this if i keep doing This#karinyo.txt#and it might not be the ocd it might be a bunch of other things (scary) but it certainly doesnt help
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